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[
{
"body": "A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand\nwere arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the\ndealer.\n\nThe player said, \"When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault.\nAccordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing\nto do with it so, why should I tip him?\"\n\nThe dealer said, \"When you eat out do you tip the waiter?\"\n\n\"Yes.\"\n\n\"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards, so you should\ntip me.\"\n\n\"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1,
"rating": 2.63
},
{
"body": "At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.' 'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.' 'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted. 'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 2,
"rating": 2.57
},
{
"body": "One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.''You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.''",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 3,
"rating": 3.09
},
{
"body": "Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, \"Ready . . . Aim . . .\"Suddenly the brunette yells, \"earthquake!!\" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, \"Ready . . . Aim . . .\"The redhead then screams, \"tornado!!\" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .\"The blonde shouts, \"fire!!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 4,
"rating": 4.1
},
{
"body": "A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!\" \"Very good,\" said her mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?\" \"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde.\" The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" She yelled, \"we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!\" \"Very good,\" said her mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?\" \"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde.\" The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!\" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. \"Very good,\" said her embarrassed mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?\" \"No, Honey, it's because you're 25.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 5,
"rating": 4.3
},
{
"body": "An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, \"I can't get out of the room!\" \"You can't get out of your room?\" the captain asked. \"Why not?\" She replied, \"There are only three doors in here,\" she sobbed, \"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 6,
"rating": 3.23
},
{
"body": "A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. \nThe brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, \"Now, do you remember what the plan is?\" The blonde sighed and replied, \"Yeah, yeah, I remember...\" The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. \n\nBefore the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, \"Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!\" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, \"Stop! Stop!\" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, \"What the hell happened in there?!?\" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, \"What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!\" \nThe brunette paused and yelled, \"YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 7,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar. For the sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated code word. The brunette walks up to the bartender and says, \"Hey give me an ML.\" The bartender nods his head and hands her a Miller Lite. Following her, the redhead walks up to the bartender and says, \"I'd like a BL.\" Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a Bud Lite. Last, the blonde walks up to the bartender and says, \"Give me a Fifteen.\" \"A Fifteen?\" the bartender replies, \"What the hell is that?\" \"Oh, you know,\" the blonde says, \"A Seven and Seven.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 8,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she's angry! She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head. The boyfriend yells, \"No, honey, don't do it!!\" \"Shut up,\" she says, \"You're next.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 9,
"rating": 3.77
},
{
"body": "One day a blonde comes out of the tanning salon. She wants to make some money so she goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. She rings the door bell and says, \"HI, is there anything I could do for your house or you???\" The man thinks and says, \"Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage.\" The girl says, \"O.K., How much will you pay me?\" The man says, \"How much does fifty bucks sound?\" The blonde quickly agrees and get straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, \"50 bucks, I hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!\" 25 minutes later the girl knocks on the door and says, \"O.K. I am done. Can I have my money now?\" Surprised the man replies, \"O.K. Let me get the money\" He comes back and the girl says as she is leaving, \"By the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porch!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 10,
"rating": 3.64
},
{
"body": "A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, \"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.\"\"Oh Dear!\" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. \"But, what happened to yourother ear?\"\"The jerk called back!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 11,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Wanting a portrait with which to surprise his wife, a businessman asked a blonde female painter he'd been recommended to paint him in the nude.\"No,\" the talented blonde artist said. \"I don\"t do that sort of thing.\"\"But what if I double your fee?\" he pleaded.\"Nope, sorry. Won't do it.\"\"How about I give you five times what you normally get?\"\"Oh, okay then,\" said the artist, \"but I'm keeping my socks on. I need a place to put my brushes.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 12,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven. God says, \"There are 3,000 steps and I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell.\" So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell. Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell. On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate. Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, \"what are you laughing about?\", so she replies, \"I just got the first joke!\".",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 13,
"rating": 3.96
},
{
"body": "A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, \"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?\" \"Why, officer?\" asks the blonde. \"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.\" \"Oh my goodness,\" exclaims the blonde, \"I must have left my baby on the bus!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 14,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A blonde, brunette and a redhead run to the top of a burning building. Below, a few firefighters are holding a blanket telling the redhead to jump.When the redhead jumps the firefighters snatch the blanket away and she hits the concrete.When the firefighters ask the brunette to jump she jumps and again they pull the blanket away.When the firefighters ask the blonde to jump she replies, \"I don't trust you, so just put the blanket down and back away.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 15,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An exhausted looking blond dragged herself in to the doctor's office. \"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep.\"\"I have good news for you,\" the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. \"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.\"\"Great,\" the blond answered, \"I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot.\"A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. \"Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!\"\"I don't understand how that could be\", said the doctor, shaking his head. \"Those are the strongest pills on the market!\"\"That may be true,\" answered the blond wearily, \"but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 16,
"rating": 3.21
},
{
"body": "Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the 3 of them and said, \"So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?\"The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a picture, and said, \"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc.\"So he stuck the photo in the face of the 1st blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. \"Now, he said, \"did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?\"The blonde immediately said, \"Yes, I did. He has only one eye!\"The detective shook his head and said, \"Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!\"The 1st blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the 2nd blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, \"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?\"\"Yes! He only has one ear!\"The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, \"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too!\"The 2nd blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the 3rd and last blonde and said, \"This is probably a waste of time, but.......\" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying \"All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?\"The blonde said, \"I did. This man wears contact lenses.\"The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, \"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts... How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?\"The blonde rolled her eyes and said, \"Well duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 17,
"rating": 3.65
},
{
"body": "Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.\n\nRedhead sighed and said, \"Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.\"\n\nThe blonde looked quizzically at her and said, \"You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?\"\n\nThe redhead said, \"I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.\"\n\nThe blonde says, \"Don't you have a vase?\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 18,
"rating": 3.53
},
{
"body": "A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains\" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa.\" Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, \"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!.\" Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. \"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?\" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: \"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?\" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, \"Well, so what IS the answer!?\" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 19,
"rating": 4.22
},
{
"body": "Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. \nThe brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level. \nThe brunette team, down below, is wooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate. \nWhen the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in frount of them with white knuckles. \n\"Whats goimg on up here?\" asks the brunette. \"We're having a great time downstairs!\" \n\"Yeah,\" screams a terrified blonde, \"but you've got a driver!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 20,
"rating": 3.39
},
{
"body": "A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. \"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.\" When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. \"Why, that's amazing!\" the doctor said, \"Did you follow my instructions?\" The blonde nodded, \"I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.\" \"From hunger, you mean?\", asked the doctor.\" \"No, from all that skipping.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 21,
"rating": 4.1
},
{
"body": "A blonde motorist was two hours from Sydney when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the blonde's car and asked, \"Are you going to Sydney?\"\"Sure,\" answered the blonde, \"do you need a lift?\"\"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to Taronga Park Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble.\"\"I'd be happy to,\" said the blonde.So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Sydney when suddenly he was horrified. There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.\"What the hell are you doing here?\" he demanded, \"I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.\"\"Yes, I know you did,\" said the blonde, \"but just as we arrived it looked like it was going to rain so we decided to see a movie instead.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 22,
"rating": 2.56
},
{
"body": "A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.\n\nOne day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?\n\nThe next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left. The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.\n\nThe redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date.\n\nThe blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS.\n\nEver so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them.\n\n\"NO WAY,\" she exclaimed, \"I almost got caught yesterday\"",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 23,
"rating": 3.73
},
{
"body": "This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying \"If you catch me, I'm yours.\" He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg. He's back on the street and starts to think. \"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time...\" So he races back to the gym and says, \"I want to lose 20 more kg.\" \"No problem,\" says the manager. Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign \"If I catch you, you're mine.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 24,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business. While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream. Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, \"I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them back in.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 25,
"rating": 3.86
},
{
"body": "This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, \"I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.\" The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies \"But I don't have any money.... and I must get a message to her, it's urgent!... I'll do anything to get a message to her.\" The clerk replies \"Anything?\". \"Yes.... ANYTHING!\" replies the blonde. He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. \"Unzip me...\" She does. \"Take it out..... go ahead.\" She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says \"Well... go ahead... do it...\" She brings her lips close to it and shouts \"Hello?... Mom?\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 26,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, \"Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper.\"After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.The redhead says, \"What's so funny?\"The blonde says, \"Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 27,
"rating": 2.05
},
{
"body": "There's a blonde, a red head and a brunette all on death row. They are all out in the desert about to be executed. First up is the brunette. The shooter counts; 1, 2, 3..., and the brunette yells out,\"Tornado!\" Everybody turns around to see the tornado and the brunette runs away.Next up is the red head. The shooter counts; 1, 2,3..., and the red head yells out,\" Flood!\" Everybody turns around to see the flood and the red head runs away. Next up is the blonde. The shooter counts; 1,2,3...,and the blonde yells,\"Fire!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 28,
"rating": 3.72
},
{
"body": "There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bagbehind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow by 7 AM.Signed - \"The Blonde\"She pinned the note inside the boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 ina brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Alsoinside the bag was the following note: \"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would dothis to another.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 29,
"rating": 4.61
},
{
"body": "This guy goes to sit at his plane seat in first class, and finds a blonde there. He says, excuse me miss, but this is my seat. She replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I have a great body and I'm going to Florida. So the guy calls the stewardess over to help him. He explains the situation to the stewardess, and the stewardess says, miss, your seat is in coach, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave first class. The blonde response, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I have a great body, and I'm going to Florida. The stewardess then goes to get the captain to help her, and the captain asks the blonde to please leave first class, and go back to coach. The blonde response, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I have a great body, and I'm going to Florida. The captain thinks about this for a minute, then whispers something in the blondes ear. As soon as he does, she gets up and goes back to coach.. The stewardess is amazed. What did you say? The captain replies, I told her first class doesn't go to Florida.",
"category": "Military",
"id": 30,
"rating": 3.54
},
{
"body": "A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, \"Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!\" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. \"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. \"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!\" says the Redhead. \"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!\" \"OK\" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell \"Jump! You have to jump!\" \"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!\" yelled the Blonde. \"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!\" \"Look,\" the Blonde says. \"Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it....\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 31,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. \"Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant\" the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.\"But I always buy it here\", the blonde says. \"I bought one last month\". Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, \" I don't know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty container next time\". \"Sure\", the blonde replies. \"I'll bring it with me tomorrow\"The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. \"This is just a normal deodorant\", the pharmacist tells the blonde, \"You use it under your arms\".\"No, it is not\", the blonde answers, \"it says so here: To apply, push up bottom\".",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 32,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde received a certificate for helicopter flying lessons for her birthday. One day she was bored and decided to take advantage of the opportunity. When she arrived at the place, the man said \"Well, there's only one helicopter here, and it only has one seat, if I show you how to do it, do you mind going up solo?\" \"Oh of course! I can handle it\" the blonde replied. Well, he showed her the inner-workings of the helicopter and sent her on her way, only asking that she radio in every 400ft. just to make sure everything was going smoothly. at 400ft, she radioed in saying \"wow! this is so much fun!\" At 800 ft. She radioed in again saying \"this is pretty easy, I can do this all day!\" At 1200 ft. She didnt. he waited and waited, and didn't hear from the blonde! seconds later he heard a crash in the field next to the station. He ran out to see what happened, the blonde crashed! Luckily she survived, \"what happened?\" he exclaimed. \"Well, I was doing fine, but, I started to get cold, so I just turned off the big fan!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 33,
"rating": 3.73
},
{
"body": "A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, \"shut up...you're next!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 34,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven.\nGod says, \"There are 3,000 steps and i'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell.\" So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.\n\nThen on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell.\n\nOn the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate. \n\nSuddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, \"what are you laughing about?\", so she replies, \"i just got the first joke!\".",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 35,
"rating": 4.22
},
{
"body": "A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the \"no haggle\" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, \"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!\"The shopkeeper said, \"By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!\" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, \"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 36,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There are three people: a blonde named Stacy, a red-head named Mary, and a guy named Jack.One day Mary says \"I think we should rob a bank.\" And everyone agrees.So the next week after much planning they all set it up. \"Now remember me and Mary are going to circle around for two minures, got it?\" Says Jack, \"Okay.\" Says Stacy.They drive away and two minutes pass and they come back. Stacy hasn't come out. 3 minutes pass, 4 minutes pass, 10 minutes pass, and after 11 minutes Stacy comes runing out with a safe that has been tied up and a guard with his pants down chasing after her. Stacy jumps in the car and they drive off. Imidietly Mary says, \"I told you to blow the safe and tie up the guard!!!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 37,
"rating": 3.57
},
{
"body": "Q & A\n\n\nQ: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?\nA: So brunettes can remember them. \n\nQ: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?\nA: You pick it up pull the pin & throw it back. \n\nQ: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? \nA: She slipped off and fell down the drain. \n\nQ: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? \nA: The joystick is wet. \n\nQ: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?\nA: Pick them up off the floor. \n\nQ: Why don't blonds play frisbee? \nA: It hurts their teeth. \n\nQ: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? \nA: Gifted! \n\nQ: How do blonde braincells die ? \nA: Alone. \n\nQ: Why don't blondes eat bananas? \nA: They can't find the zipper. \n\nQ: How did the blonde try to kill the fish? \nA: She tried to drown it. \n\nQ: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?\nA: Not everyone has been in a 747.\n\nQ. why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?\nA. because she heard the drinks were on the house.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 38,
"rating": 3.9
},
{
"body": "Three girls are walking in a magical forest. Suddenly, a witch comes out of the woods, and tells them: \"Each of you has to say one good thing about herself. If you lie, i will make you disappear!\".The first girl, a brunette, says:\"I think I am a very kind and toughtfull person\".*Pooph*- she disappears. The second girl, red-haired, says:\"I think i am very sexy\".*Pooph*- she also disappears.The third girl, a blonde, says:\"Well, I think...\"*Pooph*- she is gone...",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 39,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, \"Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.\" Her boyfriend asks, \"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?? The girl says, \"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.\"Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box. He turns to her and says, \"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 40,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "This blonde had a near death experience the other day. She climbed on top of a horse, and all of a sudden it started moving. She was a little frightened, this was her first time, but she kept on the horse. Then the horse started going fast and got out of control, and the blonde couldn't stay on, she fell of, but her foot got stuck, and she was dragging on the ground. She started screaming, and was in great pain. Then the wal-mart manager came outside and unplugged the horse.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 41,
"rating": 2.88
},
{
"body": "Three blondes walk into a forest and soon find a pair of tracks.The first blonde says: \"I think they're deer tracks.\"The second blonde says: \"No, I think they're bear tracks.\"The third blonde says: \"You're both wrong! They're bird tracks!\"Then they get hit by a train.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 42,
"rating": 3.06
},
{
"body": "A man walks in to an auto store and askes the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. the blonde says,\"i'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet supplies.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 43,
"rating": 2.25
},
{
"body": "One day a blonde is hiking in the woods. She follows the trail until she comes upon a river. As she is thinking how she can get across the river; another blonde appears on the opposite side.The blonde yells to the other blonde \"How do I get to the other side?\"The other blonde looks up and then down the river and yells back:\"You are on the other side!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 44,
"rating": 3.18
},
{
"body": "Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag. \n1st blonde: \"What have you got in that bag?\" \n\n2nd blonde: \"Chickens.\" \n\n1st blonde: \"If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?\" \n\n2nd blonde: \"If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!\" \n\n1st blonde: \"Well, I think you've got three.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 45,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "A girl came skipping home from school one day. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,6, 7, 8, 9, 10!\" \"Very good,\" said her mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde?\" the girl said. \"Yes, it's because you're blonde,\" said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!\" \"Very good,\" said her mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?\" \"Yes, it's because you're blonde.\" The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,\"she yelled, \"we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all theother girls had flat chests, but I have these!\" And she lifted her tanktop to reveal a pair of 36Cs. \"Very good,\" said her embarrassed mother. \"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?\" \"No Honey, it's because you're 24.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 46,
"rating": 4.22
},
{
"body": "A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, \"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?\" \"Why, officer?\" asks the blonde. \"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.\" \"Oh my goodness,\" exclaims the blonde, \"I left my baby on the bus!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 47,
"rating": 3.6
},
{
"body": "One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. \"There's no fish there...\". Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. \"There's no fish there...\" The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. \"There's no fish there...\", she hears. She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, \"Is that you, God?\"\"NO! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE'S NO FISH THERE!",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 48,
"rating": 3.09
},
{
"body": "A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,\n\"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... \nbecause you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor.\" \nFlustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, \"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 49,
"rating": 3.09
},
{
"body": "One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. \"There's no fish there...\". \n Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. \"There's no fish there...\"\n The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. \"There's no fish there...\", she hears. \n She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, \"Is that you, God?\"\n\n\"NO! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE'S NO FISH THERE!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 50,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: \"Do you know where you were going?\" Blonde: \"No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 51,
"rating": 2.63
},
{
"body": "This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. \"Honey, are you okay?\" he asks her. \"Yes\" she replies. \"Then what are you doing?\" he asks. \"I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb and I wanted to do it by painting the house.\" she replies. \"Then why are you wearing a ski jacket over a fur coat?\" he asks. \"Well,\" she replies \"I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said..... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 52,
"rating": 3.43
},
{
"body": "One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.\"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?\"\"What's a license???\" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.\"It's usually in your wallet,\" replied the officer. After fumblingfor a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. \"Now may I see your registration?\" asked the cop.\"Registration..... what's that....?\" asked the blonde.\"It's usually in your glove compartment.\" said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.\"I'll be back in a minute.\" said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, \"Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?\"\"Yes.\" replied the officer\"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?\" asked the dispatcher\"Uh... yes.\" replied the cop.\"Here's what you do.\" said the dispatcher. \"Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.\"\"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate.\" exclaimed the cop.\"Trust me. Just do it.\" said the dispatcher.So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.The blonde looks down and sighs..... \"Ohh no... not another breathalyser.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 53,
"rating": 3.22
},
{
"body": "A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has neverbeen on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement,running over seat to seat and starts shouting, \"BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO.....\" Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts \"BE SILENT!\" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at theblonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for amoment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,\"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE....\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 54,
"rating": 2.2
},
{
"body": "There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head escaping from jail. The brunette ran up a tree and a police officer yells \"who is there?\" and the brunette says \"tweet tweet\". So the police officer walks away. Then, the redhead runs up the tree and the police officer says \"who is there?\" and the red head says \"meow\" so the police officer walks away.So the blonde runs up the tree and the police officer says \"who is there?\" the blonde says \"moooo\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 55,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "Once a Blonde and a brunette were watching the news when they saw a man at the top of a building threatening to jump off. The Brunette said \"I bet you fifty bucks he's going to jump off, what do you say?\" The Blonde said \"sure,\" They watched carefully for 10 minutes when the man jumps off. The Blonde hands over the 50 bucks and says \"good job,\" The brunette looks guilty and says \"I'm sorry, here's your fifty bucks back, I saw the earlier showing and I knew the man was going to jump off,\" then blonde says \"don't worry, I saw it too, I just didn't think he'd do it again,\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 56,
"rating": 3.11
},
{
"body": "Santa Vlause, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde were all walking down the street when they all spotted a 100$ dollar bill. Who do you think got it? No one because the first four dont exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 57,
"rating": 3.11
},
{
"body": "A cop was driving down a country road when he saw a car in the ditch. He got out of his car to see if anyone was in the car. A blonde popped her head out the window and said \"Thank god officer! I got in an accident!\" The officer replied with \"Well I can see that! Are you okay?\" The blonde looked forward and said \"Well yeah... I think so.\" Then the officer looked around and said \"Miss.... your car looks like an elephant stepped on it. How did you crash?\" The blonde looked at him and said \"It was so strange. I was driving down the road and out of nowhere a tree jumped infront of me, so I swerved to the other side and another tree was in the way, so I swerved again, but another one was there again, so one last time I swerved to the other side, but the damn tree got me, and caused me to go in this ditch!\" The officer started to laugh hard. \"Whats so funny?\" The blonde asked. The officer took a second to catch his breath then said \"Miss, theres no trees on this road for miles ahead. That was your car air freshner swinging back and forth!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 58,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, \"Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!\"He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, \"Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!\" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. \"What's so funny?\" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, \"Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 59,
"rating": 3.91
},
{
"body": "Q:What is a blondes idea of safe sex??A:Lock the car doors",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 60,
"rating": 2.63
},
{
"body": "A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked herwhat had happened to her ears and she answered, \"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.\" \"Oh Dear!\" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. \"But, what happened toyour other ear?\" \"The jerk called back!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 61,
"rating": 2.88
},
{
"body": "Once, a blonde decided to ride a horse. She was riding quite pleasantly on a trail in a field until the horse speeded up. He was going faster and faster, and soon she felt herself slipping. Her head was just about to hit the ground... Then the Wal Mart manager ran to turn off the horsey ride.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 62,
"rating": 3.29
},
{
"body": "A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, \"I`ve kidnapped you.\" She then wrote a note saying, \"I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde.\" The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, \"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 63,
"rating": 4.09
},
{
"body": "A blonde walks into an appliance store and starts to look around.\n\nShe then asks the clerk,\"Can I have that television set over there.\"\nThe clerk looks at her and says no.\nThis confuses her. She then asks why?\n\nThe Clerk responds,\"Because you are a blonde.\"\n\nThe blonde woman walks out with an idea on how to get that television.\n\nShe then returns with a wig full of red hair. She asks the clerk again for the television set. \n\nHe looks at her suspiciously and replies,\"No because I told you I don't sell them to blondes.\"\nShe then says,\"I am not a blonde I am a redhead.\"\nThe clerk then said,\"I know your the same women because that is no television thats a microwave.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 64,
"rating": 3.8
},
{
"body": "A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. \nAfter becoming very frustrated with the \"no haggle\" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, \"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!\" \nThe shopkeeper said, \"By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!\" \nDetermined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. \nLater in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. \nLying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, \"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 65,
"rating": 4.17
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are walking along their island beach when one sees a bottle lying on the ground.It turns out there's a genie in it so they each get one wish.The brunette says: \"I miss my family, I wish i was home again.\"With a puff of smoke she disappeared. The redhead wished for the same thing.There the blonde stood, all alone on the beach. She started to cry and said \"I wish my friends would come back\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 66,
"rating": 4.17
},
{
"body": "Three blondes were all vying for the last available position on the local police force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, \"So you all want to be a cop, eh?\"The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, \"To be a detect, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc.\" So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. \"Now, he said, \"Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?\"The blonde immediately said, \"Yes, I did. He only has one eye!\"The detective shook his head and said, \"Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!\"The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, \"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?\"The blonde immediately shot back, \"Yep! He only has one ear!\"The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, \"Didn't you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of COURSE you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too! You'd never make a good detective!\"The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.The detective turn his attention to the last blonde and said, \"This is probably a waste of time, but....\". He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, \"Alright. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?\"The blonde said, \"Yes, I did. This man wears contact lenses.\"The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, \"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?\"The blonde rolled her eyes and said, \"DUH! He has only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN'T WEAR GLASSES!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 67,
"rating": 4.2
},
{
"body": "I know a blond so stupid I asked her to take me to the airport she looked up at the billboard it said \"Airport Left\" she turned around and went home",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 68,
"rating": 2.57
},
{
"body": "Q:how can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day? A:her tampon is on her ear and she cant find her pen!",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 69,
"rating": 2.4
},
{
"body": "One day two blondes each bought a pig. The problem they were having was telling the two pigs apart. So, the first blonde had an idea: She said, \"I'll cut my pig's tail off, then we will know the difference.\" So she cut her pig's tail off. That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's tail off. The next morning the blonde had a solution, she said,\"I'll just cut my pig's right back leg off.\" So, she did. That night same thing; the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's right back leg off. The next morning the blondes were real upset and finally decided to cut the back left leg from the pig, so she did. That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's back left leg off. The next morning the blondes were really upset and didn't know how they were going to tell their pigs apart. So, one of them stated, \"I will cut my pig's right front leg off. Then we can tell our pigs apart.\" So, she did. That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's right front leg off. The blondes were really upset and decided the only logical explanation would be to cut the remaining leg off one pig. So, they did. That night the pigs got in a fight and one pig bit the other pig's only leg off. The next morning when the blondes awoke they were devastated. Finally, the other blonde spoke up and said, \"How about you take the white one and I'll take the black one.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 70,
"rating": 3.55
},
{
"body": "One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time. ''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 71,
"rating": 3.89
},
{
"body": "Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the endof the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had put in the ground. \"Fifteen\" was the answer. \"Not bad, not bad at all,\" the foreman said. Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. \"Four\" was the answer. \"Four?\" the foreman yelled. \"The others did fifteen, and you only did four?\" \"Yes,\" replied the leader of the blonde group, \"But go look at how much they left sticking out of the ground.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 72,
"rating": 2.13
},
{
"body": "Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildlyswinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she wouldsacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.All the blondes applauded.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 73,
"rating": 3.9
},
{
"body": "A brunette woman goes into the dr.'s office. She tells the Dr. : \"It hurts all over my body.\" He says: \"point to where it hurts\". She points to her shoulder and yells \"OUCH!\". She then points to her hip and yells \"OUCH!\". Finally she points to her knee and screams in pain \"OUCH!!!\". The Dr. asks her \"Are you a true blonde and dyed your hair brown?\" She says: \"yes, how did you know\"? He answers: \"YOU HAVE A BROKEN FINGER!!!\".",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 74,
"rating": 4.4
},
{
"body": "A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.\n\nThe blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.\n\nThe pro said \"Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's privates.\".\n\nThe blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.\n\nThe pro said \"That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 75,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "There were two blondes going hunting. It was getting late so one of theblondes said to the other that she heard if you ever get lost in the woods to shoot three shots into the air. So she did. A few hours wentby and so she fired three more shots in the air. A few more hours wentby and they fired three more shots in the air. Then one of the blondessaid someone better hurry up and save us...we only have two more arrowsleft.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 76,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "she was so blonde she told me to meet her at the corner of \"WALK\" and \"DON'T WALK.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 77,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Blonde Cook Book: MONDAY:It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake.The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighborswere nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY:Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe saidserve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What asurprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY:A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughlybefore steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly butI took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY:Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed oflettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led upto Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY:I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put allingredients in bowl and beat it. There must havebeen something wrong with this recipe. When I got back,everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY:Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For somereason Bob keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY:Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flashof genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set thecontrols for roast. It still came out hamburger, muchto my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.This has been a very exciting week. I am eager fortomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like tosurprise him with Chocolate Moose.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 78,
"rating": 4.57
},
{
"body": "1. The water proof towel2. Solar powered flash light3. Sumberrine screen door4. A book on how to read5. Inflatable dart board6. A dictionary index7. Ejector seat in a helicopter8. Powdered water9. Pedel powered wheel chair10. Water proof tea bags",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 79,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A Blonde was driving down the highway and she cuts off a Truck. The Driver motions for the Blonde to pull over. The blonde pulls over and the truck driver draws a circle on the road next to the car. He says \"Don't leave this circle\" and cuts her tires. He comes back and the Blonde is giggling. He says\"Oh you think thats funny!\" and rips her convertable top. He comes back and the blonde is laughing. The driver gets mad and lights her car on fire. The driver comes back and the blonde is rolling on the floor laughing. He asks \" What is so funny!\" She says \"I stepped out of the circle 9 times!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 80,
"rating": 2.6
},
{
"body": "A Blonde and a Burnette are watching the news at 6. It is live on the scene. It has been reported that a old homeless man is on top of a large bridge and swears that he will jump off the bridge. The Burnette turns around and says to the Blonde\" I bet you $50 that he will jump. Th blonde says\" You're on. Sure enough the old man jumps and falls to his death. The Burnette snickers to herself and says\"I must admit I did watch the news at 5. The blonde says So did I but, I did'nt think he would jump twice!!",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 81,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "There are three blondes playing Jeopardy. The announcer says, \"This is the final question. How many \"D's\" are in Jeopardy?\" The first blond says \"1.\" The announcer goes to number two and she says \"1000.\" \"I'm not even going to ask,\" the announcer said. He goes up to the third blonde and she says \"33\" \"How did you get 33?\" he asks. The blond starts singing to herself, \"Dun Dun, Dun, Dun, Dun...\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 82,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "There was a blonde sitting on a plane in first class seats with an economy class ticket. The flight attendant asked to check her ticket.'Excuse me' she said 'you only have an economy class ticket but you are sitting in first class. Could you please move to your allocated seat.'The blonde was very stubborn and said 'Im blonde and beautiful and I'm going to New York.'So the flight attendant went to another flight attendant and told her the problem. Her answer was the same.'Im blonde and beautiful and Im going to new york.'This went on throught 4 other flight attendants.Finally they went to the captain and told him the problem.He said 'I can handle this' and went to talk to her.Hw whispered something in her ear and she got up and ran to economy class.All the flight attendatns were shocked and they asked him how he did it.He said 'I told her first class wasn't going to New York.'",
"category": "Military",
"id": 83,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head all go hunting together. Then they decide to all go their separate ways. When they all come back, the brunette had shot a rabbit. The other 2 ask \"How'd you do that?\"She says: \"Well, I followed some tracks,and BOOM, I got a rabbit.\" The red-head had came back with a deer. The blond & brunette ask \"How'd you do that?\" She says:\"Well, I follwed some tracks and BOOM, I got a deer.\" The blonde comes back all beat up and bloody, without any game. They ask \"HOW'D YOU DO THAT?!?\" And she says: \"Well I followed some tracks, and BOOM, I got hit by a train\"THE END",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 84,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde wearing headphones walks into a store and on the window it said 'No Headphones' so the clerk says, \"I'm afraid I'll have to make you take off those headphones.\"The blonde paid no attention to the clerk, so he said louder \"If you don't take off those headphones I will!\".The blonde still paid no attention, so the clerk yanked the headphones off of her.Then she fainted all of a sudden.The clerk put on the headphones to see what she was listening to.All he heard was \"Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 85,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde walking by the river came across another blonde directly across from her. The first blonde waved to the other and said \"hey, how do i get to the other side\"? The other blonde answered \"You're already on the other side\".",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 86,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A young man wanted to get his beautiful \"blonde\" wife \nsomething nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he \ndecides to buy her a cellphone.\n\nShe is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and \nexplains to her all the features on the phone. The next day\nthe blonde goes shopping.\n\nHer phone rings and it's her husband, \"Hi hun,\"he says \"how \ndo you like your new phone?\"\n\nShe replies: \"I just love, it's so small and your voice is \nclear as a bell! But there's one thing I don't understand \nthough.\"\n\n\"What's that, baby?\" asks the husband.\n\n\"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 87,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "What do u call a blonde with 1brain cell? GIFTED!What do u call a blonde with 2brain cells? PREGNANT!What do u call a blonde with 3brain cells? A GOLDEN RETRIEVER!",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 88,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "There's this blonde who goes into an electronics shop, and asks the bloke in there if she can buy this TV. But the bloke says Sorry, we dont serve blondes. So she goes away, dyes her hair brown, and goes back. Sorry, we dont serve blondes, the bloke says.So she goes back and dyes her hair ginger, but he still tells her they dont serve blondes.Sooooo, she goes back yet again, but dyes her hair black. Again, she asks if she can buy the TV, but yet again, she cant get served.Look, she says, how can you tell i'm a blonde, even tho i've dyed my hair???Soory lady, thats a microwave!!!!",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 89,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde dyed her hair to red one day, then she takes a walk down the road and comes upon a farm. She walks up to the fenced yard where the farmer is counting his sheeps. The farmer said hello and that if she guessed how many he had, then she can keep one. The blonde thought it was a great idea, so she starts counting in her head. She finally guessed 26, which was RIGHT!!! The farmer was amazed, but he kept his word. She climbed over the fence and back with the animal in her arms. The farmer takes one look at her and the animal and says, \" If I guess what natural hair color you have, can i have my dog back?\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 90,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert because their car broke down. The redhead grabs some water, the brunette grabs some food, and the blonde grabs the car door. They began walking, when the redhead turns to the brunette and says,\" Why did you bring the food?\" She replies, \" Well in case i get hungry, i can eat it. Why did you bring water?\" The redhead replies, \" Well in case i get thirsty, i can drink it.\" Then they both turn to the blonde and say, \" Why did you bring the car door?\" She replies, \" Well in case i get hot, i can roll down the window.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 91,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were running away from the cops. They ran into a barn, and each hid in a sack. The cops came and kicked the sack with the redhead in it, she said, \"meow...\" The cops said, \" It's just a cat,\" and goes on and kicks the sack with the brunette. She says, \" woof...\" The cops say, \" It's just a dog.\" They kick the sack with the blonde and she says, \" Potatoe...\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 92,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guyyells to the bartender: \"Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?' A deathlysilencetranscends the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next tohimsays: \"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Thebartenderis blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with ablack belt in Karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blondeand she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's apro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tellthatjoke?\"The blind man pauses to think, and says, \"Nah, not if I'm gonna have toexplain it five times.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 93,
"rating": 4.8
},
{
"body": "What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?Gifted",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 94,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Bill how he wanted his steak, she replied, \"medium.\"\n\nThen the waiter said, \"how about your vegetable?\" Bill replied, \"Oh, she can order for herself.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 95,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "One day two blondes decided to take a trip to Disney Land. They were riding down the road and all of a sudden they came to a fork in the road and a sign said disneyland left. So they looked at eachother and said dangget and went back home.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 96,
"rating": 1.67
},
{
"body": "there were three people walking on the street.a smart blonde, a stupid blonde and santa clause.suddenly, they see on the ground 100$.question : wich of them pick it up ? Answer:the stupid blonde !Why?because the smart blonde and santa clause don't exist, they are fiction.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 97,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, \"I'm going to try to swim to shore.\" So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, \"I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.\" So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, \"I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too.\" So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, \"I'm too tired to go on!\" So she swam back.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 98,
"rating": 2.8
},
{
"body": "You and your two blonde friends (Melisa and Sarah) are stranded on a desert island.You have no food at all with you and you are all starving.Then you guys found a piece of bologna.None of you want to share it and you guys don't know how to decide who keeps it.Then you said that whoever had the best dream would win the bologna.The next day you ask Melisa what her dream was. She said that she dreamed that she was rich.Then you asked Sarah what her dream was. She said that she dreamed that she was richer than Melisa.Then they asked you what your dream was.You said that you didn't have a dream but you wrote a poem.They asked you what it was.You said: \"Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony.While you guys were all asleep I ate the damn bologna!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 99,
"rating": 3.25
},
{
"body": "Two blondes went to the market. While they were there, they each bought a horse. When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart. They decided to cut the tail off of one. That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back, so they decided that they would break one of the horses' legs. One of the blondes said, \"Which of the horses should we break the leg off of, the brown one or the white one?\".",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 100,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you get the blonde to turn on the light after sex?A: tell her to open the car doorQ:what did the blondes' left leg say to the right leg?A: Nobody knows, they've never met",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 101,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "There was a blonde, a brunette, a red-head and a bald woman stuck on a desert island.The brunette decided to swim home, but got 1/3 of the way there and drowned, The red-had decided to try, but drowned 1/4 of the way there. The blonde decide that she had to risk it, so she swam 1/2 of the way there when she stopped and swam back.\"why did you come all the way back, when you were half way home?\" screamed the bald woman. \"well\", said the blonde \"I was going to carry on, but I got tired and thought I'd rest first\".",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 102,
"rating": 3.6
},
{
"body": "Two blondes walk in to a building.You'd think one of them would have seen the building.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 103,
"rating": 4.6
},
{
"body": "Whats a blondes favorite nursury rhyme?humpme dumpme",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 104,
"rating": 3.6
},
{
"body": "This blonde went in an electrical store for a microve. She asked can i please have that microve? the guy said no you blonde. She goes dyes her head black after that she went to the shop can i please have that microve? the guy said no you blonde. so she goes dyes her hair all different colours after that she went to the shop can i please have that microve? How do you know I'm a blonde? the guy said because your pointeting to a fridge",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 105,
"rating": 3.29
},
{
"body": "A blonde was sick and tired of hearing jokes about being dumb. She decided to dye her hair \nblack and set out to prove to the world just how wrong they were about blondes. \nShe drove out of the city and into the country where there were many sheep farms. She spotted \na sheep farmer, stopped her car and said, \"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep are in \nyour field, will you give me a sheep?\" He said \"Sure!\" She counted and said \"131.\" The farmer\n said, \"That's Right! Go ahead and get a sheep.\" The blonde went and got her sheep. \n\nThen, the farmer said, \"If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have it back?\" and \nshe said, \"Yes.\" \n\n\"Blonde. Now give me back my dog.\".",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 106,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who hit the ground first?The brunette, cos the blonde stopped to asked for directions!!!",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 107,
"rating": 3.25
},
{
"body": "A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, \"I think I would like this room in a cream color.\"\n\nThe contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, \"Green side up!\" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. \"In this room, I was thinking of an off blue.\" Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, \"Green side up!\"\n\nThis baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, \"Green side up!\"\n\nStruck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, \"Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?\"\n\nThe contractor replied, \"Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 108,
"rating": 4.17
},
{
"body": "A blonde and a brunette were walking down the basement stairs in the dark to find a wrench when the blonde screamed. \"Something brushed against my rightr leg!!\" \"Oh My Gosh. Are you sure?\" \"Yea and it keeps doing it.\" she said as she ran around the basement. Then she stopped and thought for a second. \"Hold up. That was just my left leg.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 109,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "There was a blonde, a brunette and a red-head stuck on a deserted island. They were searching for food one day when they found a genie lamp. They each rubbed it and a genie popped up. He said \"Since you all found my lamp I will give you a wish each. The brunette said \"I wish I was 10% smarter so I can get off this island.\" She swam off the island. The red-head seeing what the blonde did said \"I wish I was 25% smarter to get off this island.\" She built a raft out of leaves and branches. The blonde seeing what they did said \"I wish I was 50% smarter to get off this island.\" The blonde turned into a man and walked over the bridge.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 110,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One day a blonde was broke and didn't know what to do. So she decided to kidnap a child. She went over to the play ground and saw plenty of little kids running around. She picked out this one little boy and went over and grabbed him. She told the little boy she was going to kidnap and the little boy knowing she was a blonde didn't mind at all. The blonde wrote a note as the following:To whom it may concern:I have just kidnapped your little boy and I want one million dollars in a paper bag under the peach tree at noon. Sincerely a blondeAfter she was finished the note she pinned the note to his shirt and sent home. The next day the blonde she went to the peach tree at noon and there was a brown paper bag. All the money was there but there was a little note. It said:Dear a blonde:Your money is all there I just wanted to know how you could do this to another blonde.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 111,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A blonde and a brunette were walking down the dark basement stairs to find a wrench. When they were half way down the stairs the blonde screamed. \"What's wrong?\" \"Something brushed against my right leg!!\" So both the brunette and the blonde were running around the basement screaming. \"I keep feeling it!! Make it stop! Wait\" The blonde said. \"That was just my left leg!\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 112,
"rating": 1.33
},
{
"body": "A blonde a brunette and a red-head were stuck on a deserted island. When they were searching for food one day they found a genie's lamp. They all rubbed it at the same time. The genie popped out and said \"Since you all rubbed my lamp at the same time, you get one wish each.\" The blonde went first \"I wish I was 10% smarter to get off this island.\" The next thing you knew it she was swimming away from the island. Seeing what she did the brunette said \"I wish I was 25% smarter to get off this island.\" The next thing you knew it she was making a raft out of branches and leaves. In the next 10 minutes she was off the island. Seeing what they both did the red-head said \" I wish I was 50 % smarter to get off this island.\" The next thing you knew it she became a man and walked over the bridge.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 113,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The Secret Service was looking for more employees. They put up a sign and the next day they picked the next three people. They brought the first guy into a room and gave him a pistol and said\" Your wife is in that room go in and shoot her\" The guy looked at them and said\" No I can't do it\" So the Secret Service brought out the next guy and told him the same thing and handed him the gun. \"He went into the room and came back out but he didn't want to shoot her. So the Secret Service who was really desperate brought the last person in. She was a blonde so they were worried. They said\" Your husbandis in that room and I want you to shoot him.\" \"Alright\" she announced. She went into the room and the Secret Service heard alot of crashing and banging. They went in and found the man dead. \"What the hell is going on\" \"Oh The gun was a blank so I beat him to death with a chair.\"",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 114,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. \"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,\" she said. \"What's yoursecret for a long happy life?\" \"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,\" he said. \"I also drink a caseof whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.\" \"That's amazing,\" the woman said. \"How old are you?' \"Twenty-six.\" ** Shibu **",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 115,
"rating": 2.4
},
{
"body": "Why did the blonde jumped off the bridge?\nBecause she thought her maxi had wings!",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 116,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "I knew a blond so stupid that when she read the \"concentrat\" on the orange juice container, she did.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 117,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down the street. A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there is a magic mirror, if u look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into the mirror forever The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first shhe said: I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette, she got a pot of silver. Next the brunette went in she said: I think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond, she got a new car. The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said: I think... She was vanished into the mirror forever.",
"category": "Blonde Jokes",
"id": 118,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Why are they called apartments if they are joined together?\n\nAn archaeologist is a best husband a woman can get. As older she grows, the more interested he is in her.\n\nA fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.\n\nIf moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day?\n\nI love being married. It's so great to find that special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.\n\nAnyone who thinks he is too small to make a difference has never been in bed with a mosquito.\n\nI wear my wife's glasses because she wants me to see things her way.\n\nLaugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.",
"category": "Deep Thoughts",
"id": 119,
"rating": 3.2
},
{
"body": "1. Capmbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmmm, good...2. Coca Cola Conddoms: the real thing.3. Diet pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.4. Double Mint: Double your pleasure, Double your fun!5. Energizer: It keeps going and going and going...6. Ford condoms: the best never Rest.7. Hewlett Packard Condoms; Expanding possibilities.8. KFC Condoms: Finger-lickin good.9. M&M Condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!10. Mars Bar condoms: The quicker picker upper!11. Maxwell House: good to the last drop!12. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today?13. Nike Condoms: just do it.14. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.15. Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border.16. Tattslotto Condoms: Who's next?17. Star Trek condoms: To boldly go where no man has gone before.18. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.19. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.20. Yellow pages Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? don't you wish everybody did?",
"category": "Deep Thoughts",
"id": 120,
"rating": 3.57
},
{
"body": "A good friend will bail you out of jail.A great friend will be in the cell next to you saying,\"Damn, that was fun!\"",
"category": "Deep Thoughts",
"id": 121,
"rating": 4.1
},
{
"body": "If nobody is perfect, and I'm a nobody, am I perfect?",
"category": "Deep Thoughts",
"id": 122,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.",
"category": "Deep Thoughts",
"id": 123,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits andexhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing \"fairly well\" for my age. Alittle concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, \"Doyou think I'll live to be 80?\"He asked, \"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?\"\"Oh no,\" I replied. \"I've never done either.\"Then he asked, \"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?\"I said \"No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!\"\"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,ballooning, or rock climbing ?\"\"No, I don't,\" I said.He said, \"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?\"\"No,\" I said. \"I've never done any of those things.\"He looked at me and said, \"Then why do you give a damn if you live to be80?\"",
"category": "Deep Thoughts",
"id": 124,
"rating": 4.23
},
{
"body": "If 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their doors?",
"category": "Deep Thoughts",
"id": 125,
"rating": 2.6
},
{
"body": "Can a teacher give a homeless man homework?",
"category": "Deep Thoughts",
"id": 126,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A little kid asks his father, \"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?\" \"Both son. God is both.\" After a while the kid comes again and asks, \"Daddy, is God black or white?\" \"Both son, both.\" The child returns a few minutes later and says, \"Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?\"",
"category": "Deep Thoughts",
"id": 127,
"rating": 4.69
},
{
"body": "Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered\tto her mother, \"Why is the bride dressed in white?\"\t\"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the\thappiest day of her life.\" Her mother tried to explain, keeping\tit simple.\tThe child thought about this for a moment, then said, \"So, why\tis the groom wearing black?\"",
"category": "Deep Thoughts",
"id": 128,
"rating": 3.71
},
{
"body": "An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.Each orderd a pint of beer . Then a fly landed in each one's beer . The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one .The Scott took the fly out ,shrugged, and drank his beer . The Irisman pinched the flybetween his fingers and yelled \" SPIT IT OUT! \"SPIT IT OUT!\"",
"category": "Deep Thoughts",
"id": 129,
"rating": 2.8
},
{
"body": "At age 4, success is..................not peeing in your pants.\n\nAt age 12, success is..................having friends.\n\nAt age 20, success is..................having sex.\n\nAt age 35, success is..................making money.\n\nAt age 70, success is..................having sex.\n\nAt age 80, success is..................having friends.\n\nAt age 90, success is..................not peeing your pants.",
"category": "Deep Thoughts",
"id": 130,
"rating": 3.42
},
{
"body": "Upon landing hard, the pilot got on the PA system, \"Sorry, folks for the hard landing. It wasn't my fault, blame it on the asphalt.\"On this particular flight, the airline pilot noted that he had \"hammered the plane a little hard on the runway.\"The airline policy was that he had to stand at the exit and apologize to each passenger getting off the plane, saying, \"Thank you for flying XYZ airlines and sorry for the rough landing.\"All the passengers had gotten off the plane, except for one little old lady, walking with a cane and wearing a hearing aid.She proceeded to walk up to the pilot and and said, \"Do you mind if I ask a question?\"He said, \"Why no, ma'am, go ahead.\"She then replied, \"I didn't hear the announcement. Did we land, or were we shot down?\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 131,
"rating": 2.75
},
{
"body": "why does sour cream have an expiry date?",
"category": "Deep Thoughts",
"id": 132,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter recluse in Florida. At the crossing they were stopped by an over-zealous border guard, on his first day at work. He commenced to ask the couple a battery of questions and check for passports.The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of queries.Officer: \"Where are you going?\"Husband: \"We're on vacation and going to Florida.\"Wife: \"What did he say? What did he say?\"Husband: \"He wants to know where we're going.\"Officer: \"How long will you be gone?\"Husband: \"About one month.\"Wife: \"What did he say? What did he say?\"Husband: \"He wants to know how long we'll be gone.\"Officer: \"Where are you from?\"Husband: \"We're from Toronto, Ontario.\"Officer: \"Toronto, huh. I was there once. Nice city. Had the worst date experience in my life.\"Wife: \"What did he say? What did he say?\"Husband: \"He says he knows you!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 133,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The\ndirector of the group said, \"Now, I'd like each of you to give the\nfacts of your daily routine.\"\n\nSeveral people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously\noverweight member said, \"I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I\nexercise frequently.\"\n\n\"Hmm?\" said the manager. \"And are you sure there is nothing you\nover-indulge in?\"\n\n\"Well,\" said the man, \"I lie extensively.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 134,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, \"So, how did the parachute jump go, son?\" Son replies, \"Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to \"do me\" with his 12-incher!\"Father says, \"Well, Son, did you jump?\" \"Just a little at first\" said the son.",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 135,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. \nThe clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, \"This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill.\" \nThe man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.\n\"What's so funny?\" asks the clerk.\n\"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house.\" the man replies. \nThe clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, \"Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's privates off.\" \nThe man takes another look through the scope and says, \"You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 136,
"rating": 3.63
},
{
"body": "A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, \"What are you waiting for?\" The husband replies, \"Autumn.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 137,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "James was on the beach, and could not understand why Bob had attracted all the girls, while he had no luck. So he asked Rich \"why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?\" Bob replied \"take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!\" So James stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman. James went to see Bob again and said \"I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!\" Bob looked at James and asked, \"have you tried putting the potato in the front?\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 138,
"rating": 2.4
},
{
"body": "A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, \"Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?\"\n\n\"I'm sure I can.\" the psychiatrist replied. \"Just go over and lie face down on that couch.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 139,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. The man asks the bartender,\"What's the deal with the jar of money?\" \"Well\", the bartender says,\"I've got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money!\" The man puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. The man takes his money and leaves. About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they've got another jar of twenties there. \"What's the deal now?\" He asks. \"Well\",the bartender says,\"That damn horse won't stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money!\" The man pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him. \"Alright\", he says,\"You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!\" \"Easy\", he says,\"I made him laugh by saying mine was bigger than his, and I made him cry by proving it!!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 140,
"rating": 3.6
},
{
"body": "Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.''And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'",
"category": "Men",
"id": 141,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Bob and Earl were best friends and had been for 50 years. They went to baseball games together and had the best time possible. They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and tell them if there was baseball in heaven.\nThen one night Earl died and then a few days later Bob went to his funeral and came home after the burial service. Then the phone rang it was Earl. \nEarl said,\"Bob is this you\"\nBob said,\"Yes, Earl how are you doing and is there baseball in heaven?\"\nEarl said,\"Well I've got some good news and some bad news.\"\nBob said, \"Whats the good news?\"\nEarl said, \"Well there is baseball in heaven and you can play with Babe Ruth and everybody its great\"\nBob said, \"Then what's the bad news?\"\nEarl said, \"Well Bob, your starting pitching tommorow night!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 142,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant. \n\"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten,\" he said. \"If you guess right, you win free sex.\" \"Okay,\" agreed one of the guys, \"I guess seven.\" \"Sorry, I was thinking of eight,\" replied the attendant. \nThe next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. \n\"Two!\" said the second guy. \n\"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. \"Come back and try again.\" As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, \"I think this contest is rigged.\" \"No way,\" said his buddy. \"My wife won twice last week.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 143,
"rating": 3.54
},
{
"body": "A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.\"What size?\" asks the clerk?\"Gee, I don't know.\"\"Go see Sophie in aisle 4.\" He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, \"Medium!\" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, \"Large!\" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.\"What size?\" The kid embarrassedly says \"I've never done this before. I don't know what size.\" The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells \"Clean up in aisle 4!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 144,
"rating": 3.73
},
{
"body": "A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. \"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.\" \"What's the problem?\" the docotor inquired. \"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.\" \"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.\" The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. \"Did my advice not work?\" asked the doctor. \"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.\" \"So, what's your problem?\" \"I don't have a problem,\" the man replied. \"My wife does.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 145,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. \"What's that?\" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, \"Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. \"Horrified, she said, \"Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.\" She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs. \"Here,\" she said, pointing, \"You must put it in here.\" Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane screamed and rolled around in agony for several minutes. Eventually, she managed to gasp, \"What the hell did you do that for?\" \"Tarzan always check for bees.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 146,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head\nwaiter one morning and read from the menu. \"I'd like one under-\ncooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked egg so that it's\ntough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on\nthe cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that\nit's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.\"\n\n\"That's a complicated order sir,\" said the bewildered waiter. \"It\nmight be quite difficult.\"\n\nThe guest replied sarcastically, \"It can't be that difficult because\nthat's exactly what you brought me yesterday!\"",
"category": "Food Jokes",
"id": 147,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long.Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage.He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,\"The weather out there is terrible.\"To which she sleepily replies, \"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 148,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, \"Dear, what would you like for your present?\"\"I really don't think I should say.\"\"How about a diamond ring?\" the husband asks.\"I don't care much for diamonds.\"\"Well, how about a mink coat?\"\"You know I do not like furs.\" she says.\"A golden necklace?\" asks the man.\"I already have three of them.\"\"Well, gosh, what do you want?\"The wife replies, \"What I'd really like is a divorce.\"\"Hmmm,\" says the man, \"I wasn't planning on spending that much.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 149,
"rating": 2.75
},
{
"body": "A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.\"Twenty bucks,\" she says.He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.\"What's going on here, people?\" asks the officer.\"I'm making love to my wife,\" the man answers indignantly.\"Oh, I'm sorry,\" says the cop, \"I didn't know.\"\"Well,\" said the man, \"neither did I until you shined that light in her face.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 150,
"rating": 4.13
},
{
"body": "A woman asks her husband, \"Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?\"He declines. \"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,\" he says. \"It's really taken the edge off my appetite.\"At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. \"A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?\"He declines. \"The Viagra,\" he says, \"really trashes my desire for food.\"Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.\"Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?\"He declines again. \"Naw, still not hungry.\"\"Well,\" she says, \"would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 151,
"rating": 2.8
},
{
"body": "A wife asks her husband, \"Honey, if I died, would you remarry?\"\"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would.. We all need companionship.\"\"If I died and you remarried,\" the wife asks, \"would she live in this house?\"\"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.\"\"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,\" the wife asks, \"would she sleep in our bed?\"\"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would.\"\"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?\"\"Oh, no,\" the husband replies. \"She's left-handed.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 152,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband. \"thought you had never been with a woman. He replied, \"That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get\"!",
"category": "Men",
"id": 153,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She gives him his beer. About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.' She does. A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer. The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.' The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'",
"category": "Men",
"id": 154,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereup on he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful, after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time, when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 20 year old and ready for more. Once again, they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, 'I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.' The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, 'Was I already here?'",
"category": "Men",
"id": 155,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. \"Grandpa, what are you doing?\" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. \"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?\" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said,\"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 156,
"rating": 4.14
},
{
"body": "Nice Hotel\n\n\nA husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they decide to stop at a nice hotel and take a room. They only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk explains that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists\non speaking to the manager.\n\nThe manager enters the conversation and explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which were available for the husband and wife to use.\nHe also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows which the hotel is famous for. \"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,\"\nexplains the manager.\n\nNo matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, \"But we didn't use it!\"\n\nThe manager is unmoved. Eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and hands it to the manager. \"But sir,\" the managers says, \"this check is only made out for $100.\"\n\n\"That's right,\" replies the man. \"I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.\"\n\n\"What! I didn't sleep with your wife!\" exclaims the manager.\n\n\"Well,\" the man replies, \"she was here, and you could have.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 157,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him \"this is all in your mind\", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, \"I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.\" Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells , \"I can cure this\", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, \"This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!\" The guy then asks the witch doctor \"What happens when it's over?\" The witch doctor says \"all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!\" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says \"123\", and suddenly he gets a massive erection. His wife turns over and says \"What did you say '123' for?",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 158,
"rating": 4.2
},
{
"body": "Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a \nbench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins \nto talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.\n\nMAN: \"Hello.\" \nWOMAN: \"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?\" \nMAN: \"Yes\" \nWOMAN: \"I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?\" \nMAN: \"Sure, ...go ahead if you like it.\" \n\nWOMAN: \"I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked.\" \nMAN: \"How much?\" \nWOMAN: \"$60,000\" \nMAN: \"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.\" \nWOMAN: \"Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.\" \nMAN: \"Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.\" \nWOMAN: \"OK. I'll see you later! I love you! \n\nMAN: \"Bye, I love you, too.\" \nThe man hangs up .The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. \n\nThen he asks: \"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 159,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.\n\n\"What's the matter?\" he was asked.\n\nHe said, \"I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.\"\n\n\"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?\"\n\n\"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 160,
"rating": 3.71
},
{
"body": "There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. \n\nHis eyes fluttered open and he said, \"You're beautiful!\" and then he fell asleep again. \n\nHis wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said \"You're cute!\" \nWell, the wife was dissapointed because instead of \"beautiful\" it was \"cute.\" \nShe said \"What happened to 'beautiful'?\"\n\nHis reply was \"The drugs are wearing off!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 161,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, \"I bet you don't know what day this is.\" \"Of course I do,\" he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. \"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!\" she exclaimed. \"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 162,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says \"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.\"The old man says without hesitation, \"I now pronounce you man and wife.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 163,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, \"So, what did you bring?\" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the \"Grandma Moses of Jail\". Then he asked the first, \"What did you bring?\" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, \"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.\" The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, \"Why are you so smug? What did you bring?\" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said \"I brought these.\" The other two were puzzled and asked - \"What can you do with those?\" He grinned and pointed to the box and said - \"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating\"...",
"category": "Men",
"id": 164,
"rating": 2.25
},
{
"body": "A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman \"Give me six double vodkas.\" The barman says \"Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.\" \"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay.\" The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, \"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!\" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender says \"Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?\". \"Yeah, my wife...\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 165,
"rating": 3.56
},
{
"body": "After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room.\nOne of the gents said to the other, \"I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, \"honey pie\" and \"sweet pea\", and \"sugar\" all the time.\nThe other gent said, \"Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 166,
"rating": 1.67
},
{
"body": "A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.\"Where have you been?\" demanded his wife when he entered the house.\"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.\"The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, \"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 167,
"rating": 3.13
},
{
"body": "An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, \"What is this, Father?\" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded \"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.\"While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, \"Go get your mother.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 168,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes and then starts screaming with extasy and pleasure. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again, and again screams as if he had just had the best sexual intercourse of his life. The woman is about to go nuts.A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again, and again is fully aroused. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, \"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've acted as if youv'e had great sex! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?\" The man replies, \"I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.\" The woman, now feeling badly, says, \"Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?\" The man looks at her and says, \"Pepper.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 169,
"rating": 3.8
},
{
"body": "A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, \"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.\" The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, \"I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married.\" \"Why not,\" giggles the woman. \"Good,\" he replies. \"Get your own blanket.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 170,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, \"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce.\"The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed to 60 mph.She then says, \"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.\"Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.She says, \"I want the house.\" Again the husband speeds up and he is now doing 70 mph.She says, \"I want the kids too.\" The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he reaches 80 mph.She says, \"I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too.\" The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass pillar, as she says, \"Is there anything you want?\"The husband says, \"No, I've got everything I need.\"She asks, \"What's that?\"The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, \"I've got the airbag!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 171,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A busy farmer needed some help with tending to the animals. His mother-in-law offered to spend some time on his farm, and being as busy as he was, the farmer had no choice but to accept her offer.A few days later, the farmer's mother-in-law was killed when his mule kicked her.Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the poor lady's funeral, many that the farmer didn't even know. A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked him, \"Why are there so many people here?\"The farmer answered, \"Oh, they're not here for the funeral. They want to buy the mule.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 172,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.\n\n\"Last night I made love to my wife four times,\" the Frenchman bragged, \"And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.\"\n\n\"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,\" the Italian responded, \"And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.\"\n\nWhen the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, \"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?\"\n\n\"Once,\" he replied.\n\n\"Only once?\" the Italian arrogantly snorted. \"And what did she say to you this morning?\"\n\n\"Don't stop.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 173,
"rating": 2.75
},
{
"body": "A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, \"Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?\" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, \"Honey, please...just one more time before die.\" She says, \"Of course, Dear,\" and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. \"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...\" At this point the wife sits up and says,\"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 174,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "\"Honey,\" said this husband to his wife, \"I invited a friend home for supper.\" \"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!\" \"I know all that.\" \"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?\" \"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 175,
"rating": 2.8
},
{
"body": "Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, \"Did you see anything under the table that you liked?\"Jeff admitted, \"Well, yes I did.\"She said \"you can have it, but it will cost you $100.\"After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, \"Did Jeff come by this afternoon?\"Totally shocked, Sandy replied, \"Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.\"Next Dave asked, \"Did Jeff give you $100?\"Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, \"Yes, he did give me $100.\"\"Good,\" Dave says.\"Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 176,
"rating": 4.42
},
{
"body": "A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan \nofficer.He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. \n\nThe bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything \n checks out. \n\nThe loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. \n The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the \n Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground \n garage and parks it there. \n\nTwo weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, \n which comes to $15.41. \nThe loan officer says, \"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, \n and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little \n puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a \n multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow \n $5,000?\" \n\nThe Chinese replies: \"Where else in New York City can I park my car for \n two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 177,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, \"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!\".The wife says, \"Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?\"He says, \"I don't care. Just get the hell out!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 178,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, \"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.\"With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.God got mad and said, \"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?\"And the man replied, \"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 179,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. \"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.\" The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: \"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.\" The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.\"Where are you?\" the man asked. \"Who are you?\"\"I am your guardian angel,\" the voice answered.\"Oh yeah?\" the man asked. \"And where the hell were you when I got married?\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 180,
"rating": 3.8
},
{
"body": "A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.The nurse, rather astounded, said, \"What good will Viagra do him?\"The doctor replied, \"It will keep the sheets off his legs.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 181,
"rating": 3.25
},
{
"body": "After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.\"What seems to be the problem?\"Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.The counselor spoke to the husband, \"Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!\"The husband scratched his head and replied, \"I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 182,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, \"Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.\"\"My darling,\" he replied, \"think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 183,
"rating": 4.4
},
{
"body": "A man takes his wife to the live stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: \"This bull mated 50 times last year.\" The wife turns to her husband and says, \"He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!\" They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: \"This bull mated 65 times last year.\" The wife turns to her husband and says, \"This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!\" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: \"This bull mated 365 times last year.\" The wife's mouth drops open and says, \"WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.\" The fed up man turns to his wife and says, \"Go up and inquire if it was the same old cow every day.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 184,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. \"First,\" he said, \"I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.\" The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. \"Well,\" said Mike, \"you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 185,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.The man rolls over and answered...\"Hello?\"\"What?\"\"How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix.\"He hangs up and his wife asks, \"Who was it dear?\"\"Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 186,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A couple has been married for many years, and one day the man tells his wife that he wishes she had bigger breasts.\"but how am I going to get bigger breasts?\" she asks.\"That's simple\", he says, \"just rub your breasts with toilet paper every day\".\"And that would do it?\", the surprised wife wonders.\"Well,\", answers the husband, \"it sure did work on your behind!\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 187,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An eldarly couple go to the Doctor. The man complains that when they have sex, the first time is OK but during the second time he sweats like a pig. The Doctor asks the wife if she has any idea why her husbands sweats like that. \"That's obvious\", she answers. \"The first time we have sex is in the winter, the second time is in the summer\".",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 188,
"rating": 3.25
},
{
"body": "Two guys were talking at work. \"I've got a problem,\" said the first one. \"What is it?\"\"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?\"\"What did you buy her last year?\" the other one asked.\"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.\" \"Hmmmm, hard to top that one,\" said the other.The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday. When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, \"Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!\"Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, \"Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 189,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires, \"I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key as I'm sure she will have needs\". The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, \"Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 190,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. ''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''",
"category": "Men",
"id": 191,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, \"Here, put these on.\" She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. \"I can't wear your pants\", she said. \"That's right!\", said the husband, \"and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!\"With that, she flipped him her panties and said, \"Try these on.\" He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, \"Hell, I can't get into your panties!\" She said, \"That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your stupid attitude changes!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 192,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine. One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, \"Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways.\" The wife thought that this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, \"It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?\" Harry replied in his inebriated state, \"Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 193,
"rating": 3.8
},
{
"body": "An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, \"I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.\"The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: \"WHAT?\"\"What did he say? What's he want?\"His wife yells back, \"He needs your underwear.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 194,
"rating": 3.8
},
{
"body": "A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Morris is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in \"fashion sense.\"\n\nThe man walks up to him and says, \"I didn't know you were into earrings.\" \"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring.\" Morris replies sheepishly. \"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?\" \"Ever since my wife found it in our bed.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 195,
"rating": 3.17
},
{
"body": "A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think, or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the country who examines him and says, \"I've found the cause of the pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The constant pressureon the spine causes the headaches. The only thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles.\"\n\nThe man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches. He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a suit.\n\n\"Sure,\" says the tailor. \"You're a 42 long, right?\"\n\n\"Wow, how did you know?\" says the man.\n\n\"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things\" said the tailor.\"\n\nThe tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.\n\n\"16, 34, right?\" said the tailor. \n\n\"Right again!\" said the man. \"You're amazing.\"\n\n\"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things\".\n\nThe tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The man said, \"Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk boxers too.\" \nThe tailor said, \"36 right?\"\n\n\"I'm disappointed,\" said the man. \"But 2 out of 3 is still good. I wear size 34 boxers.\"\n\nThe tailor said, \"Hey, I've been in this business for a long time and I think you need 36.\"\n\nThe man replied, \"It's obvious you know your business but I've worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one\".\n\n\"Hey look,\" said the tailor, \"I'll sell you whatever you want. But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size 34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you terrible headaches.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 196,
"rating": 4.38
},
{
"body": "A married woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.\"Quick,\" said the woman to her lover, \"into the closet!\" She pushed him into the closet stark naked.The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. \"Who are you?\" he asked him.\"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,\" said the exterminator.\"What are you doing in there?\" the husband asked.\"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,\" the man replied.\"And where are your clothes?\" asked the husband.The man looked down at himself and said, ......\"Well those Little bastards!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 197,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Naked Man...\n------------------------------------\n\n1 This explains your car.\n2 I never saw one like that before. \n3 But it still works, right? \n4 Are you cold?\n5 I guess this makes me the early bird. \n6 Ahhhh, it's cute.\n7 Can I be honest with you? \n8 Maybe it looks better in natural light.\n9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it? \n10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?",
"category": "Men",
"id": 198,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they \"oohed and aahed\" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.\"It's free,\" Peter replied, \"this is Heaven.\"Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, \"what are the green fees?\"Peter's reply, \"This is heaven, you play for free.\"Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.\"How much to eat?\" asked the old man. \"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!\" Peter replied with some exasperation.\"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?\" the old man asked timidly.Peter lectured, \"That's the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.\"With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.The old man looked at his wife and said, \"This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 199,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, \"Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.\" \"Well,\" the doctor replied, \"go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say itagain. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness\". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, \"Honey, what's for dinner?\" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, \"Honey, what's for dinner?\" She replies, \"For the fourth time, vegetable stew!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 200,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?\"\"Look, I can't prescribe...\"\"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterlyto Hell! You've got to help me.\"The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. \"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one.\"\"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold...\" \"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?\"\"Um... okay.\"Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife hasdinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, \"I... need...a man...\"His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, \"Me... too..\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 201,
"rating": 4.8
},
{
"body": "It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor. \"The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you,\" asked the prosecutor. \"I can't do that,\" the victim replied. \"It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like that.\" \"Would it help to just write it down?\" The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury. The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket. The judge demanded, \"Please pass that note to the bailiff.\" \"But your honor,\" the juror protested, \"It's a private matter.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 202,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Mr. Benton thought he had had the last word when he presented his ex-wife with an unusual gift for her birthday. A tombstone on which he had carved, \"Here lies my ex-wife Sonja.....cold as usual.\" Much to his surprise, however, his wife one-upped him for his birthday with a tombstone of his own on which she'd had carved, \"Here lies my ex-husband Bennett.....stiff at last.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 203,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, \"My God, you saved my life!\" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. \"What's the matter, sweetheart?\" she asks, \"We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?\"He says, \"Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?\" \"Sure,\" she says, \"if it will help.\" He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.\"Now would you put on my pants?\" he asks.\"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better,\" she says.\"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?\" he asks.\"Whatever you want, sweetie,\" she says, and does.Then he says, \"Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?\" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, \"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 204,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, \"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?\"The first man approached him and said, \"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?\"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, \"My wife's first husband.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 205,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, \"Hey, I haven't seenyou in a while. What happened? You look terrible.\"\"What do you mean?\" said the pirate, \"I feel fine.\"\"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.\"\"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm finenow.\"\"Well, ok, but what about that hook? \"What happened to your hand?\"\"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.\"\"What about that eye patch?\"\"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked upand one of them S*#t in my eye.\"\"You're kidding,\" said the bartender, \"you couldn't lose an eyejust from some bird S*%t.\"\"It was my first day with the hook.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 206,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. \"Are you sure this is your house?\" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood. \"Shertainly!\" said the drunk, \"and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya.\" Entering the living room, he said, \"You shee that piano? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me.\" The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. \"Thish ish my bedroom,\" he announced. \"Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her? \"Yeah?\" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story. \"Well, thash me!\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 207,
"rating": 3.83
},
{
"body": "These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, \"I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.\" Dejected, he turned and walked away. The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, \"Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny.\" The guy hung his head, turned and walked away. The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, \"Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 208,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary: \n\n\"Two weeks ago,\" I said, \"was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy Birthday'. \n\n\"I said to myself Well that's wives for you. The children will remember.' But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. \n\nAs I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday' and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let's go.' \n\n\"We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. \n\n\"On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.' \n\n\"She said, 'Let's go by my apartment, and I'll fix you another Martini.' \n\n\"We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable' and I allowed her as I didn't mind at all. \n\n\"She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing 'Happy Birthday' and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 209,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: \"Pierre, kiss me!\" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. \"What are you doing, Pierre?\", says the startled Marie. \"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!\" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, \"Pierre, kiss me lower.\" Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. \"Pierre! What are you doing?\", asks the bewildered Marie. \"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!\" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, \"Pierre, kiss me lower!\" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, \"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?\" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, \"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 210,
"rating": 4.75
},
{
"body": "A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.\n\"Olympic condoms?\", she blurts, \"What makes them so special?\"\n\n\"There are three colors,\" he replies, \"Gold, Silver and Bronze.\"\n\n\"What color are you going to wear tonight?\", she asks cheekily.\n\n\"Gold of course,\" says the man proudly.\n\nThe wife responds, \"Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 211,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "\"Get this.\" said the English bloke to his mates, \"Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.\"Did he get anything?\" his mates asked.\"yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 212,
"rating": 3.88
},
{
"body": "Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.\"OK,\" the judge said, \"Tell the court why you want a divorce.\"\"Well, your honor,\" Dan started, \"Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake.\"\"Surely there must be some difference between the two women.\" the judge said.\"You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce.\" he replied.",
"category": "Men",
"id": 213,
"rating": 3.25
},
{
"body": "A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, \"Watch the wall!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 214,
"rating": 3.2
},
{
"body": "A geezer walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. \"Excuse me\" he says \"But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?\" \"What do you need me to do?\" asks the woman. \"Just stand here and talk to me\" the man replies. \"How's that going to help?\" she asks. \"No idea really...but every time I talk to a woman with hooters like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 215,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: \"Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up.\"He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.A week later he returns. His wife asks, \"Did you have a good trip, dear?\" He says, \"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.\"His wife smiles and says, \"Oh no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 216,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, \"So ... how was I?\" She said, \"Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!\" Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, \"My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?\"Gepetto says, \"What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem.\"About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. \"How was that sandpaper I gave you?\" He asked. \"Are you still having problems with the girls?\"\"Girls?\" Pinocchio asked. \"Who needs girls?\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 217,
"rating": 4.2
},
{
"body": "John receives a phone call. \"Hello,\" he answers. The voice on the other end says, \"This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago.\" John: \"Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?\" Susan: \"Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.\" John: \"Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?\" Susan: \"I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself.\" John: \"Say, you ARE a good sport.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 218,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, \" We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event.\"\"Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.\"Then the leader said to the group, \"What would you do if you knew youonly had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?\"A gentleman said, \" I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.\"\"Very good!\" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, \"I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.\"\"That\"s wonderful!\" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, \"I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks.\"Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, \"Why your mother-in-law's home?\"\"Because that will make it the longest 4 weeks of my life!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 219,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: \"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants.\"Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: \"Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 220,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. \"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?\" he said to her.\"I don't know,\" replied the beautiful young woman. \"It depends how personal it is.\"\"OK,\" the guy said. \"How many men have you slept with?\"\"I'm not going to tell you that!\" the woman exclaimed. \"That's my business!\"\"Sorry,\" said the guy, \"I didn't realize you made a living out of it.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 221,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.\"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening.\"\"But what about afterward?\" asked her friends.\"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 222,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "This couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. \"Elliot,\" she said, pointing \"do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?\"The husband looked over and nodded.\"Well,\" the woman continued, \"he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!\"The husband returned to his meal. \"Nonsense,\" he said, \"even that's not worth so much celebrating!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 223,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. \"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.\" The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. \"Why aren't we going anywhere?\" asked the girl. \"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 224,
"rating": 3.17
},
{
"body": "A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. \"Grandpa, what are you doing?\" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. \"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?\" he asked again. The old man looked at him and said, \"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 225,
"rating": 2.25
},
{
"body": "A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. \"Screw me or climb the ladder to success,\" she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. \"Screw me or climb the ladder to success,\" she said. \"Well,\" thought the man, \"might as well carry on.\" On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. \"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success,\" she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. \"Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success,\" she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. \"Who are you?\" the man asked. \"Hello\" said the ugly fat man, \"I'm Cess!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 226,
"rating": 2.83
},
{
"body": "A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely... The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him \"Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it.\" The guy thinks for a minute and says, \"Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 227,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Stanley, an 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. \"I've never been better,\" he replies. \"I've got a twenty-two- year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?\" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, \"Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle... *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him.\" \"That's impossible!\" said the old man in disbelief, \"Someone else must have shot that beaver.\" \"EXACTLY!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 228,
"rating": 3.17
},
{
"body": "An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -\"I want to feel your breasts\" he exclaimed.\"Get away from me, you crazy old man\" she replied.\"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars,\" he says.\"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!\"\"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS\" he stated.\"NO! Get away from me!\"\"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS\" he offered.She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, \"I said NO!\"\"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts,\" he claimed.She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....\"Well, OK...but only for a minute.\"She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, \"OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...\" while he was caressing them.Out of curiosity, she asked him, \"Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?\"While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, \"OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?",
"category": "Men",
"id": 229,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, \"What are these, Dad?\" The man matter-of-factly replies, \"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.\" \"Oh I see,\" replied the boys pensively. \"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.\" He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, \"Why are there three in this package.\" The dad replies, \"Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.\" \"Cool!\" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks \"Then who are these for?\" \"Those are for college men,\" the dad answers, \"Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.\" \"WOW!\" exclaimed the boy. \"Then who uses these?\" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, \"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.\" one for March.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 230,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. \" Hi, is Tony home?\" \" No, he went to the store.\" \"Well, you mind if I wait?\" \" No, come in.\" They sit down and the friend says \"You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.\" Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says \"They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together.\" Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says \"You know, your weird friend Chris came over. \" Tony thinks about this for a second and says \"Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 231,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman. She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband says \"But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because they're out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the color doesn't suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you anymore. Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?'",
"category": "Men",
"id": 232,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. \"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.\" \"Why?\" asked somebody from the audience. \"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years,\" the expert explained. \"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?' \"Did it save time?\" the guy in the audience asked. \"Actually, yes,\" replied the expert. \"It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten...\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 233,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A man was asked to dinner by one of his friends, who he knew was an\nunkempt housekeeper.\n\nWhen he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the\ndirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.\n\n\"Were these dishes ever washed?\" he asked his hostess, running his\nfingers over the grit and grime.\n\nShe replied, \"They're as clean as soap and water could get them.\"\n\nHe felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway. It was really\ndelicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.\n\nWhen dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside, put them on the ground, and\nyelled, \"Here Soap! Here Water! Come here boys!!\"",
"category": "Food Jokes",
"id": 234,
"rating": 3.4
},
{
"body": "A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. \"What are you doing?\" asked the mom. \"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband.\" The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. \"What the hell are you doing?\" he asked. His daughter replied, \"I already told mom, I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband.\" The father walked out of the room shaking his head too. The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. \"For Christsakes, what are you doing?\" she cried. The husband replied \"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 235,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Bob and Jane were married 25 years. When they first got married Bob said, \"I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.\" In all their 25 years of marriage Jane never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1371.75 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Jane could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, \"I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?\" Bob thought for a while and said, \"I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.\" Jane was shocked, but said, \"I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.\" They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Jane asked Bob, \"Why do you have all that money in the box?\" Bob answered, \"Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 236,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.\n\nAs the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, \"Someone should go and tell his wife.\"\n\nBill says, \"OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.\" 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.\n\nCharlie says, \"Where did you get that, Bill?\" \n\n\"Steve's wife gave it to me.\"\n\n\"That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?\"\n\nBill says,\"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow.'\"\n\nShe said, \"No, I'm not a widow.\"\n\nAnd I said, \"Wanna bet me a six-pack?\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 237,
"rating": 4.38
},
{
"body": "A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says, \"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.\" The man then replies, \"Yeah, well we were married 35 years.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 238,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, \"Stop making love down there!\" \"What's the matter with you?\" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '\"We weren't making love.\" \"Sorry,\" said the sailor, \"From up there it looked like you were.\" Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, \"By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 239,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION10 MILESHe thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION5 MILESSuddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:SISTERS OF ST, FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTIONNEXT RIGHTHis curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHe climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, \"What may we do for you, my son?\" He answers, \"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.\" \"Very well, my son. Please follow me.\" He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, \"Please knock on this door.\" He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, \"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.\" He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:GO IN PEACEYOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWEDBY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS",
"category": "Men",
"id": 240,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil. Devil: Why so glum, chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Devil: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie - you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow. That's awesome. Devil: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do. Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. Devil: You into drugs? Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't mean.... Devil: That's right Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's alright - you're dead, who cares? O.D.!! Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place. Devil: You gay? Guy: No.... Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), You're gonna hate Fridays . . .",
"category": "Men",
"id": 241,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, \"Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!\" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, \"I won the prize for the best toast of the night.\" She said, \"Aye, John, what was your toast?\" John Said, \"Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.\" \"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John,\" Mary said.The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, \"John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary.\"She said, \"Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 242,
"rating": 3.4
},
{
"body": "A Man comes back home at 3am, drunk as a skunk. He hears the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooes nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight. He is very proud of himself.The next day, his wife asks what time he got home, and he replies, \"Midnight, just like I said.\" She says that was good, but that theyneed a new cuckoo clock. When the man asks why, she answers: \"Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed threetimes, said 'Damn!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two moretimes and then started giggling.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 243,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. \"Look, I\u2019ll give you \u00a3100 if you\u2019ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I\u2019m to promise to \u2018love, honor and obey\u2019 and \u2018forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,\u2019 I\u2019d appreciate it if you\u2019d just leave that part out.\" He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom\u2019s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:\"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?\" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, \"Yes.\" The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, \"I thought we had a deal.\" The vicar put the \u00a3100 into his hand and whispered back, \"She made me a much better offer.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 244,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, \"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.\"The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, \"See! That was more than 5 times a month!\" The second bull is to be sold, \"Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.\" Again the wife bugs her husband, \"Hey, that's some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?\" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale, \"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!\" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, \"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?\" The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, \"Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 245,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "TO MY DEAR WIFE, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.The following is a list of wyh I did not succeed more often:54 times the sheets were clean.17 times it was too late.49 times you were too tired.20 times it was too hot.15 times you pretended to be asleep.22 times you had a headache.17 times you were afraid of waking the baby.16 times you said you were too sore.12 times it was the wrong time of month.19 times you had to get up early.9 times you said you weren't in the mood.7 times you were sunburned.6 times you were watching the late show.5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo.3 times you said the neighbors would hear us.9 times you said your mother would hear us.Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:6 times you just laid there.8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling.4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.7 times I had to wake you and tell you I was finished.1 time I was afriad I had hurt you because I felt you move.TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:5 times you come home drunk and tried to screw the cat.36 times you didn't come home at all.21 times you didn't cum.33 times you came too soon.19 times you went soft before you got in.38 times you worked too late.10 times you got cramps in your toes.29 times you had to get up early to play golf.2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls.4 times you git it stuck in your zipper.3 times you had a cold and your nose was running.2 times you had a splinter in your finger.20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book.98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV.Of the times we did get together:The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, \"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?\"The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 246,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for\nhis thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take\nhim up the river to the remote site he where he would make his\ncollections.\n\nAbout noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to\nhear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed\nby this. He asked the guide, \"What are those drums?\" The guide\nturned to him and said, \"Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop.\"\n\nThe biologist settled down a little at this, and things went\nreasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing\nup the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped!\n\nThis hit the biologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the\nguide, \"The drums have stopped - what happens now?\"\n\nThe guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said: \"Bass Solo\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 247,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said \"I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double.\" The man agreed, and said \"I wish I had a mansion.\" The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said \"I would like a million dollars.\" The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, \"Scare me half to death.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 248,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, \"So where are you flying to today?\" She turns and smiles, and says, \"To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago.\" He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, \"And what's your role at this convention?\" She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, \"Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.\" \"Really\" he says, swallowing hard. \"And what myths are those?\" She explains, \"Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average.\" \"Very interesting,\" the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. \"I'm sorry,\" she says, \"I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name.\" The man extends his hand and replies, \"Tonto... Tonto Goldstein.\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 249,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "In a Poor town in the middle of nowhere and no women, A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, \"How can you live in this town without any women?\". The bartender replies, \"It's not that bad, sir, when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. It never sounds appeasing at first, but after one try you're hooked.\"So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel.At that, he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole.After about 5 minutes he ventures back to the bar and tells the bartender, \"Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?\".To which the bartender replies, \"Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 250,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, \"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?\"\"You'll know tonight.\" he said.That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled \"The meaning of dreams\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 251,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A Farmer walks into the local bar and sits down at the bar. The Farmer mumbles, \"Some things I just can't explain.\" The bartender, who knows the Farmer as Jim, asks, \"What do you mean Jim?\".\"Well, you know my old cow Betsy? I was milking her this morning and out of the blue she knocks the pail of milk over with her right back leg. So I picked up a piece of rope laying nearby and cut me off a piece. I tied her leg to the post nearby, but some things I just can't explain,\" Jim said. \"Jim, What do you mean by that,\" the Bartender asks. \"Well, I commenced to milking her again and when the pail got half full she kick it over with her left back leg. So I took the left over piece of rope and tied her other leg to another post, but some things I just can't explain,\" Jim added. \"Jim, tell me what it is you can't explain and I'll see if I can help,\" the Bartender said.\"Well, after that I went back to milking her and again I got the pail half full and I'll be darned if she didn't knock the pail over with her tail. Since I didn't have any more rope left I took off my belt and tied one end to her tail. Then I stood up on my stool and reached up to hook the buckle on a nail just above. About that time my pants fell to my ankles and my wife walks into the barn. That's what I can't explain.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 252,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulatingenough frequent flyer miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talkingabout all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if theyhave laptop computers, how they make money, etc.Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. \"Just how do you guys doit?\" asks Maureen. \"Pretty much the way you do,\" responds the Martian.Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for thenight and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to abedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie memberabout half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.\"I don't think this is going to work,\" says Maureen.\"Why?\" he asks, \"What's the matter?\"\"Well,\" she replies, \"It's just not long enough to reach me!\"\"No problem,\" he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quiteimpressively long.\"Well,\" she says, \"That's quite impressive, but it's still prettynarrow....\"\"No problem,\" he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, hismember grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremelyexciting to the woman.\"Wow!\" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go theirseparate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks \"Well, was it any good?\"\"I hate to say it,\" says Maureen, \"but it was pretty wonderful. How aboutyou?\"\"It was horrible,\" he replies. \"All I got was a headache. She keptslapping my forehead and pulling my ears.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 253,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter. The old man says, \"I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob).\"The young jogger says, \"Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?\"The old man says, \"I can't remember where I live.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 254,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a mancomes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.\"No\", he said, \"the seat is empty\".\"This is incredible\", said the man. \"Who in their right mind wouldhave a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in theworld, and not use it ?\"Somberly, the man says, \"Well... the seat actually belongs to me. Iwas supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is thefirst Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967.\"\"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someoneelse - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?\"The man shakes his head, \"No. They're all at the funeral.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 255,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "This little boy woke up three nights in a row because he kept hearing thumping noises coming from his parent's room. He finally approached his mom and said, \"Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in, you're bouncing up and down on him.\"His mom is taken by surprise and says, \"Oh...well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again.\"The boy says, \"That won't work.\" His mom asks, \"Why?\" The boy replies, \"Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 256,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, \"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?\" The man says no.Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, \"This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?\" The man replies, \"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.\"\"Well, that's really sad,\" says Bob, \"but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?\"\"No,\" the man replies, \"they're all at the funeral.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 257,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. \"But how will I let you know the baby is born?\" she asked. He replied, \"Just send me a postcard and write \"spaghetti\" on the back. I'll take care of expenses.\" Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, \"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.\" The doctor said, \"Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.\" Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: \"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 258,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A famous sexologist was giving a lecture in front of a big crowd.\"There are 4 kinds of men when it comes to sex. The first kind does it every day. You can usually recognize him by his masculine body and the constant smile on his face. Do we have anyone like this in the audience?\"A man got up from the audience and he fitted the description: Big firm body with a smile on his face.\"Then there is the second kind. They have sex once a week. They also have a generally happy mood, and look pretty good, but of course not as good as the first kind. Is there any one of them here tonight?\".A second man got up, and he too fitted the description. \"The third kind do it once a month. They are chubby and usually grumpy. Anyone of them here?\".The man that raised from his chair looked exactly like the expert claimed. \"And then there is the 4th kind. They do it once a year. They usually have a big belly, but the thing that is most tipical is that they are in a constant state of depression. I know it would be hard for him to admit, but if there is one of those in the audience, please rise\".A fat and short man stood up, but in contrary to the experts prediction, he looked very cheerful. \"You do it only once a year?\", the expert asked.\"Yes, only once a year\".\"So why are you so happy?\", demanded the expert. \"Well\", said the man, cheeringly, \"Tonight is the night!\"...",
"category": "Men",
"id": 259,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two women where at a pub, having a fun night out, away from their husbands. When they got out and started walking back home, they suddenly had a strong urge to pee. They decided to do it in the cemetery, where they figured no one will notice them. Once they were done, they remembered they didn't bring toilet papers. The first one took her panties off, used it like paper and threw it away. The second used some flowers from one of the tombs. The day after, one of the husbands called the other and said, angrily: \"Looks like our wifes had quite a good time yesterday. Mine came home without her panties!\". The other one answered, even more angry: \"That's nothing. Mine came back with a small note sticked to here ass, saying 'we will never forget you. love, from all the guys\"...",
"category": "Men",
"id": 260,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, \"Is your date running late?\" \"No,\" he replies, \"Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.\" The intrigued woman says, \"A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?\" Bond explains, \"It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.\" The lady says, \"What's it telling you now?\" \"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.\" The woman giggles and replies, \"Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!\" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, \"Bloody thing's an hour fast.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 261,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there. So he walks up to the car, and there's a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book. The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, \"I'm reading a book and I'm 20.\" Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how oldshe is. The boy replies, \"She's knitting and she'll be 18 in about five minutes.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 262,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. \"In honor of this holy season,\" Saint Peter said, \"you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven.\"\n\nThe first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. \"It represents a candle\", he said.\n\n\"You may pass through the pearly gates\". Saint Peter said.\n\nThe second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, \"They're bells.\"\n\nSaint Peter said \"You may pass through the pearly gates\".\n\nThe third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.\n\nSt. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, \"And just what do those symbolize?\"\n\nThe man replied, \"They're Carols.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 263,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "After a long night buying a foxy women drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the women asked Joe in for a nightcap... One thing led to another ....After making love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. \"There might be some matches in the top drawer.\", she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry. \"Is this your husband?\" he inquired nervously. \"No, silly,\" she replied, snuggling up to him. \"Your boyfriend then?\" he asked. \"No, not at all,\" she said, nibbling away at his ear. \"Well, who is he then?\" demanded Joe bewildered. Calmly, the girl replied, \"That's me before the operation.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 264,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "There was an Englishman,Scottishman and an Irishman swimming in the sea one day when suddenly they were captured by pirates.\n\nThe captain said to them \"You're getting locked up in dungeons for 50 years, but I'll give you something to go in with. The Englishman says he wants to go in with booze, so he goes in with his booze.The Scotsman says he wants some women so he goes in with his women.\nFinally, the Irishman wants to go in with cigarettes, so he goes in with his cigarettes.\n\nThen 50 years later the Englishman comes out of his dungeon drunk, the Scotsman comes out with his women and kids and the Irishman comes out and says\n 'Got a light'?",
"category": "Military",
"id": 265,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Al Gore and George W. Bush found themselves in the same barbershop\nat the same time, seated side by side, getting the works. Their\nbarbers finished shaving the two presidential candidates right about\nthe same time and each barber reached for some after shave to slap\non their customers' faces.\n\nBush shouted, \"Hey, don't put that $#!& on me! My wife will think\nI've been in a whorehouse.\"\n\nGore said calmly to his barber, \"Go ahead and put it on. My wife\ndoesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 266,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man comes to the doctor and says: \"Doc, no matter what i do in bed i can't satisfy my wife\".So the doctor sends him to the old train-station, where he is to find a very well-built guy that can help him.And so, the man goes there, finds the big guy and asks him for help.The guy says: \"No problem, sir. You see this banana-skin? Invite me to your house while you are having sex, and i will wave it at you and your wife during the whole time. I promise you that she will reach satisfaction in no time\".So, they head off to the man's house. When the woman opens the door, he asks her to go to bed, cause they are going to have some great sex. And so they begin, and the big man is waving the banana-skin. After 30 minutes, still the wife doesn't reach satisfaction.\"Give it to me, i will wave and you will have the sex\", says the man angrily.Ans so, he starts waving, and the big guy is having sex with the wife. After exactly two mintues, she reaches her peack.\"You see, you Idiot\", says the man to the big-guy with rage, \"this is how you are supposed to wave a banana!\".",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 267,
"rating": 3.25
},
{
"body": "An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, \"Are you a real cowboy?\"\n\n\"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am,\" replied the cowboy.\n\nAfter a short while he asked her what she was. \"I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women,\" said the young woman.\n\nA short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, \"Are you a real cowboy?\"\n\n\"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 268,
"rating": 3.25
},
{
"body": "A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. \"What's wrong with you?\" she asked him. \"Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?\" he replied. \"And remember, he said, I had two choices - I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.\" Baffled, she said, \"Yes, I remember. So?\" \"I would have gotten out today.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 269,
"rating": 3.2
},
{
"body": "A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, \"Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?\" \"Well, yes, I did once.\" \"And how did she look?\" \"Oh boy, she looked very angry!\" At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. \"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?\" \"She was watching us through the window.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 270,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "Clark works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Jessica, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club. \n\nThe doorman at the club greets them and says, \"Hey, Clark, how ya doing?\" \n\nJessica is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. \n\n\"Oh no,\" says Clark. \"He works out at the gym with me.\" \n\nWhen they are seated, a waitress asks Clark if he'd like his usual Budweiser. \n\nJessica is now becoming uncomfortable and says, \"You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.\" \n\n\"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.\" \n\nA stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Clark. \"Hi Clarky,\" she says, \"want your usual table dance?\" \n\nJessica, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. \n\nClark follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Jessica can slam the door, Clark jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him. \n\nThe cabby turns his head and says, \"Looks like you picked up a real cranky one tonight, Clark.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 271,
"rating": 3.88
},
{
"body": "\"Mr. johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully,\" the divorce court judge said, \"and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week.\" \"That's very fair, your honor,\" the husband said. \"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 272,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A guy goes to a psychiatrist. \"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?\" The doctor replies: \"It's very simple. You're two tents.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 273,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew\n\n\n1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.\n2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.\n3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever.\n4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!\n5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.\n6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.\n7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.\n8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.\n9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.\n10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.\n11. Shopping is not sport.\n12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.\n13. You have enough clothes.\n14. You have too many shoes.\n15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.\n16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.\n17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.\n18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.\n19. Yes, going to the bathroom standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.\n20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?\n21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.\n22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.\n23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.\n24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.\n25. Check your oil.\n26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.\n27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.\n28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.\n29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.\n30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.\n31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.\n32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?\n33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.\n34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.\n35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.\n36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.\n37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.\n38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.\n39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.\n40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Period.\n41. Anyone can buy condoms, even you.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 274,
"rating": 4.14
},
{
"body": "Ever wonder why they use ABCDEF to define bra sizes?\nA-Absent\nB-Barely visable \nC-Come in useful\nD-Damn good \nE-Enormous\nF-Fantastic",
"category": "Men",
"id": 275,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don't we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It's more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger. 13. It's ok, we'll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Every heard of clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn't know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you? 33. At least this won't take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting. 38. It looks so unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 45. Aww, it's hiding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where's the rest of it?",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 276,
"rating": 3.8
},
{
"body": "Why men can't win...If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore",
"category": "Men",
"id": 277,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, \"AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!\" The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down. As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, \"Are you ok, dear?\" The lady replies, \"I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me.\" The man says, \"You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 278,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries, \"Watch out for the wall!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 279,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, \"Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a wild party.\" \n\nThe pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, \"This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes.\" \n\nThe weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, \"What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?\" The guy replies, \"Quick, I need Blue Ice\" (muscle pain relief).\n\nThe pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, \"Are you crazy, you can't put that on your crotch. The skin is way too sensitive.\" \n\nThe guy says, \"No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm.\" \n\nPharmacist: \"What?? What happened?\" \n\nGuy replies, \"Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion.\" \n\nPharmacist: \"Oh my god, and then what ? \" \n\n\"The girls never showed up!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 280,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, \"Have you been drinking, sir?\" \"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?\" \"No,\" replied the policeman, \"you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 281,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small\npieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time,\nGermany announced that the ancient Germans had a nationwide\ntelephone network.\n\nNaturally, the British government was not that easily impressed.\nThey ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters\ndown, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that\nthe ancient Brits already had a nationwide fibre optic network.\n\nIsraeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters\nunderground, but found absolutely nothing...\n\nThey concluded that the ancient Hebrews had cellular telephones.",
"category": "Science",
"id": 282,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. \n\nHe had an urge to stick his private parts into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. \n\nOne day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. \n\n\"What's wrong, Bill?\" she asked. \n\n\"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my privates into the pickle slicer?\" \n\n\"Oh, Bill, you didn't.\" \n\n\"Yes, I did.\" \n\n\"My God, Bill, what happened?\" \n\n\"I got fired.\" \n\n\"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?\" \n\n\"Oh...she got fired too.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 283,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, \"I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.\"\"You're a brave man,\" said the dentist. \"Now, show me which tooth it is.\"The husband turns to his wife and says, \"Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 284,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: \"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?\" \"How much for a season pass?\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 285,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says, \"If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra.\" He laughs and laughs. \n\nThe next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her butt and says \"If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle.\" Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge. \n\nThe next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his privates and says, \"If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't need to keep sleeping with your brother.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 286,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than \nanything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. \n\nSitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great \nambition. \n \n\"Do you think you could give me some tips?\" he asked. \n The old man looked him up and down and said, \"Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg.\" \n \"Will that make me a better gunfighter?\" asked the young man. \n \"Sure will,\" said the old-timer. \n The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. \n\n\"That's terrific!\" said the cowboy. \"Got any more tips for me?\" \n \n\"Yep,\" said the old man. \"Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer \n hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.\" \n \"Will that make me a better gunfighter?\" asked the younger man. \n \"You bet it will,\" said the old-timer. \n The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a \nblur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. \"Wow!\" said the cowboy. \n \"I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?\" \n\nThe old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. \"See that axle \ngrease over there? Coat your gun with it.\" \n The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. \n\n\"No,\" said the old-timer, \"I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and \nall.\" \n \"Will that make me a better gunfighter?\" asked the young man. \n \"No,\" said the old-timer, \"but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your butt and it won't hurt as much.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 287,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The ten things a guy knows about a girl:\n\n1.\n2.\n3.\n4.\n5.\n6.\n7.\n8.\n9.\n10. They have breasts.",
"category": "Men",
"id": 288,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.\"Dude, it's obvious,\" says the lifeguard, \"you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outtastyle. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - abouttwo sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!\"The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tightSpeedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before. Everybodyon the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turningaway, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, \"What's wrong now?\"\"JAHEESUS!\" says the lifeguard, \"The potato goes in front!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 289,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, \"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.\" \n\nThe man said, \"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want.\"\n\nThe Lord said, \"Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.\" \n\nThe man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, \"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing is wrong' and how I can make a woman truly happy.\" \n\nThe Lord replied, \"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 290,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "you make woman so beautiful?\" \n\nGod says: \"So you would love her.\" \n\n\"But God,\" the man says, \"why did you make her so dumb?\" \n\nGod says: \"So she would love you.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 291,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "THE GAG TEST:Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). EGGS:When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS:Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realise you've never purchased that kind. MAYONNAISE:If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS:Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wreckedanyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. EXPIRATION DATES:This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. BREAD:Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable \"spots\" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. FLOUR:Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. SALT:It never spoils. CANNED GOODS:Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a tennis ball should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS:A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. RAISINS AND SULTANAS:Raisins and sultanas should not be harder than your teeth. POTATOES:Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP:If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. EMPTY CONTAINERS:Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with your mother or have a maid. UNMARKED ITEMS:You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.",
"category": "Men",
"id": 292,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, \"I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?\"The rabbi said, \"I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.\"Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, \"Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?\"The priest replied, \"Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.\"There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, \"Better than pork, isn't it?\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 293,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A guy applied to join a nudist club. \"Exactly what do you do here?\" he asked. \n\n\"It's quite simple,\" said the club secretary, \"We take off all our clothes and commune with nature.\" \n\n\"Cool,\" said the guy, \"...count me in!!!\" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. \n\nAs he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, \"Beware of Gays.\" A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing \"Beware of Gays.\" He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. \n\nHe bent over to read the plaque and it said, \"Sorry....You've had two warnings!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 294,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. \"Yes,\" she replied readily. \"Tell him Mother didn't come after all.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 295,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "\"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully,\" the divorce court judge said, \"and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.\"\"That's very fair, your honor,\" the husband said. \"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 296,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, \"I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself.\" \"Okay,\" God said, \"I'll create a man for you.\" Eve said, \"A man! What's that?\" \"He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed.\" \"Sounds great!\" said Eve. \"Oh, and one more thing,\" God said. \"He will want to believe that I made HIM first.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 297,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds; then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, \"You need more tail.\" The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, \"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 298,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.\n\nWhat the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.\n\nPoliceman: \"License, registration and proof of insurance please.\"\n\nDriver: \"Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man.\"\n\nPoliceman: \"Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!\"\n\nDriver: \"Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!\"\n\nThe police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders.\n\nPoliceman: \"Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 299,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. \n \nInstead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: \"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.\" \n\nWilling to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. \"How long will this take?\" she asks. \n \n\"They'll grow larger over a period of years,\" he replies. \n\nThe wife stops. \"Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?\" \n\nWithout missing a beat the husband says, \"Worked for your butt; didn't it?\" \n\nHe lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man...",
"category": "Men",
"id": 300,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "One day there was this Teacher who after missing a few days of school because of snow on friday decided to tell her students that there was going to be a test monday no matter what.\n\nSo the the class clown in class raises his had asks, \"Well what if I have some great sexaul expeirences this weekend and I come in on monday and I am just too tired to take that test?\"\n\nThen the teacher responds with, \"Well I guess you will have to use your left hand to write then.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 301,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him. \"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!\" The blind man replies: \"If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus.",
"category": "Men",
"id": 302,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every\nyear Morris would say, \"Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane.\" \n \nEsther always replied, \"I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 \ndollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.\" \n \nOne year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, \"Esther, I'm \n85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another \nchance.\" \n \nEsther replied, \"Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is \ndollars is 50 dollars.\" \n \nThe pilot overheard them and said, \"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take \nyou both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not \nsay one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars.\" \n \nMorris and Esther agreed and up they went. \n \nThe pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a \nword was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. \nWhen they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, \"By golly, I did \neverything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.\" \n \nMorris replied, \"Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but \n50 dollars is 50 dollars.\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 303,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For\nthe first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things -\nchickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was\nobvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was\nrunning out of things to amuse him with.\n\nFinally, the uncle had an idea. \"Why don't you grab a gun,\ntake the dogs, and go shooting?\"\n\nThis seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off\nhe went, dogs in trail.\n\nAfter a few hours, the nephew returned.\n\n\"How did you enjoy that?\" asked the uncle.\n\n\"It was great!\" exclaimed the nephew. \"Got any more dogs?\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 304,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A black couple was invited to attend a Halloween costume party. The husband asked his wife to get him a costume. The first day she came home with a Batman costume. \"Woman\", he said, \"you know there has never been a black Batman! I can't wear this! Get me something more suitable for this party.\" \n\nSo the next day, he came home to find a Superman costume for him. \"Woman\", he said again. \"There has never been a black Superman either. People will laugh at me if I wear this. Now get me something I can wear!\" \n\nOn the third day he came home to find 3 large cottonballs, a white belt, and a 2x4. \"What is this?\" he asked. Politely, she said, \"You can attach those cottonballs and go as a domino, you can wrap that belt around your waist and go as an Oreo cookie, or you can shove that 2x4 up your butt and go as a fudgesickle!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 305,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, \"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.\" With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, \"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?\" And the man replied, \"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 306,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q:What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?A:Nothing, They never met!",
"category": "Men",
"id": 307,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. \"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time.\"He continued, \"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?\"At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, \"How much for a season pass?\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 308,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of vodka. The bartender asks the man, \"Have a rough day?\" The man replies, \"Yeah, I found out my younger brother was gay!\" The bartender says, \"Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful.\" The man downs the shots and leaves. The very next day the same man comes back into the bar and orders six more shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, \"What's wrong today?\" The man replies, \"I just found out my older brother is gay.\" Bartender says, \"Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible.\" The man downs his shots and leaves. The man returns again on the third day and again orders six shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, \"Another rough day?\" The man says, \"Yeah.\" The bartender asks the man, \"Does anyone in your family like women??\" The man says, \"Yeah, my wife.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 309,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "There was a lil' green man who went to his lil' green house. He went to his lil' green shower and turned the lil' green tap on. He heard the lil' green doorbell ring, so he turned off the lil' green tap, put on a lil' green towel and opened the lil' green door! There was his lil' green girlfriend. The lil' green man opened his lil' green arms out wide to give her a lil' green hug! He wanted to give her a \"surprise.\" His lil' green towel went off and the lil' green girlfriend ran across the lil' green street screaming, got hit by a lil' green car and died. The rule is: never run across the road when the green man is flashing.",
"category": "Men",
"id": 310,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "These two guys meet after not having seen each otherfor many many years. The first guy asks the second guy,\"How have things been going?\" The second guy speakingvery slowly tells the first guy, \"I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.\" The first guy says in amazement, \"Hey, you don't stutterany more.\" The answer comes, \" Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r..a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..fI s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..ln..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r.\" The first friend congratulates him and then asks againabout how he was almost married. \"W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..dI w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..rp..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..ss..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..ka..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..nw..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..nd..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..et..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..yf..a..c..e..\" \"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?\"asks the first friend. \" W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..ks..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..et..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..gh..i..s b..a..l..l..s\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 311,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. \"So what are your plans?\" the father asks the young man. \"I am a Torah scholar,\" he replies. \"A Torah scholar. Hmmm,\" the father says. \"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?\" \"I will study,\" the young man replies, \"and God will provide for us.\" \"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?\" asks the father. \"I will concentrate on my studies,\" the young man replies, \"God will provide for us.\" \"And children?\" asks the father. \"How will you support children?\" \"Don't worry, sir, God will provide,\" replies the fiancee. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, \"How did it go, Honey?\" The father answers, \"He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 312,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch \nwatching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by \ncarrying something big under his arm. He yells out \"Hey boy, \nwhatcha got there?\" \n The boy yells back \"Roll of chicken wire.\" \n The old man says \"What you gonna do with that?\" \n The boy says \"Gonna catch some chickens.\" \n The old man yells \"You damn fool, you can't catch chickens \nwith chicken wire!\" \n The boy just laughs and keeps walking. \n That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old \nman's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with \nabout 30 chickens caught in it. \n Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise \nand he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in \nhis hand. \n The old man yells out \"Hey boy, whatcha got there?\" \n The boy yells back \"Roll of duck tape.\" \n The old man says \"What you gonna do with that?\" \n The boy says back \"Gonna catch me some ducks.\" \n The old man yells back, \"You damn fool, you can't catch ducks \nwith duck tape!\" \n The boy just laughs and keeps walking. \n That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the \nold man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll \nof duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. \n Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying\nwhat looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. \n The old man says \"Hey boy, whatcha got there?\" \n The boy says \"It's a pussy willow.\" \n The old man says \"Wait up.... I'll get my hat\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 313,
"rating": 3.08
},
{
"body": "John walks up to the bar tender and bets him $200.00 that he can take off his ear and place it on the bar..\n The bartender thinks to himself, \"I know this isn't possible\"\n \"OK I will bet you the 200.00 dollars!\" the bartendar told John\n\nJohn took off his ear and placed it on the bar....and then said to the bartender, \"You owe me 200.00!!!\n\n The next day John came to the bar again. He had a new bet for the bartender!! \"I bet you 2,000 dollars that I can pee in this shoot glass and get every drop in?\n The bartender thought to himself again,\" No way can he do this!\"\n\n\"OK I'll bet you!\" said the bartender.\n\n He starts peeing all over the bar, the tables, the chairs, everywhere.\n\n\"HA HA I got ya...you owe me 2,000 dollars!!!!\" said the bartender.\n\nJohn said, \"Here's your 2,000....it's ok cause you see that table over there? I bet them 6,000 dollars that i could pee on your bar without you getting mad!!!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 314,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Three paddy's (irish men) are in London looking for work on a building site. \nThe first Paddy (the smart one) goes in to see the foreman. The conversation starts. \nForeman - \"so then Paddy, how many bricks can you lay in a day\".\nPaddy - \"that would be 200 brick in a day sir\".\nForeman - \"good man Paddy, thats the sort of level were looking for, but, before I give you the job, I must warn you, I like honesty in a man, so take a good look at me and tell me do you notice anything a bit strange about me?\"\n\nNow, Paddy had a look at the foreman and it was obvious, very obvious there was something strange. His right ear was quite high on one side of his head and the left ear was quite low on the other side of his head.\n\nPaddy - \"surely Boss, you've one ear up there and the others down there\".\n\nForeman - \" We'll at least your honest about it Paddy. You'll not be making fun of me behind my back like all those other feckers, so you've got the job\".\n\nNext Paddy walks in, same questions.\n\n\"How many bricks can you lay in a day paddy?\"\n\n\"200 bricks sir\"\n\nForeman - \"good man Paddy, thats the sort of level were looking for, but, before I give you the job, I must warn you, I like honesty in a man, so take a good look at me and tell me do you notice anything a bit strange about me?\"\n\nPaddy - \"surely Boss, you've one ear up there and the others down there\".\n\nForeman - \" We'll at least your honest about it Paddy. You'll not be making fun of me behind my back like all those other feckers, so you've got the job\".\n\nThe third Paddy walks in to see the foreman.\n\nForeman - \"So then Paddy, how many bricks can you lay in a day.\"\n\nPaddy - \"400 bricks a day sir\"\n\nForeman - \"By Jesus, 400 a day. I never heard of any man lay 400 bricks a day.\"\n\nPaddy - \"Oh, ask any man in Ireland, 400 a day I tell you sir.\"\n\nForeman - \"thats unbeleiveable Paddy. Now obviously I want to give you the job, but, I have to tell you, I admire honesty in a man so take a look at me and tell me do you notice anything strange about me.\"\n\nPaddy has a long hard look.\n\nPaddy - \" No sir, nothing strange\"\n\nForeman - \"Come on paddy, honestly, what do you notice\".\n\nPaddy - \"No sir nothing strange.\"\n\nForeman - \"Now Paddy, I can't give you the job if you don't be honest, go on have a good look.\"\n\nPaddy stares at him insanely, and then notices something.\n\nPaddy - \"A sir, I notice\".\n\nForemann - \"Yes Paddy\"\n\nPaddy - \" You'd be wearing contact lenses\".\n\nUnexpectedly the foreman enquires.\n\nForeman - \"My word Paddy, that's amazing, how observant of you. How did you ever notice that.\"\n\nPaddy - \"We'll Sir, were the feck would you find a pair of glasses to fit a head like that\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 315,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, \"Is this a union house?\" \"No,\" she replied, \"I'm sorry, it isn't.\" \"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?\" \"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00.\" Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, \"Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House.\" The man asked, \"And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?\" \"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00.\" \"That's more like it!!!\" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. \"I'd like her for the night.\" \"I'm sure you would, sir,\" said the Madam, then pointing to an 85 year-old woman in the corner, \"but Ethel here has seniority.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 316,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: \"Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.\"The man then replies: \"Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 317,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. Oneday Larry said to Joe, \"You know man its been a long time since we hadsome sex so you oughta let me screw you.\"Joe replied. \"Are you crazy?!!\"Larry went on to say, \"I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who screws, who first.So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won.Still having strong reservation Joe asked, \"How will you tell if it hurts or not?\"Larry told Joe, \"If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing.\" Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed,Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River",
"category": "Men",
"id": 318,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "There was this guy named John that went to heaven. He looked around and saw millions of clocks, some were slow and some were fast. He went to God to ask a question. \n''What's the deal with all these clocks?'' John asked. \n\n''Well,'' said God, ''these clocks tell how much a person masturbates.'' \n\n''Well, where's my clock?'' asked John. \n\n''It's in the office,'' replied God. ''We use it as a fan.''",
"category": "Men",
"id": 319,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Boudreaux went to the store and bought him a pair of patent leather shoes. After seeing how mirror looking they were, he decided to go to the dance. He asked one lady to dance. He then tells her, \"You are wearing red panties.\" She asks how does he know? He looks down at his patent leather shoes. He then asks another lady to dance. He says, \"You are wearing blue panties.\" She asks how does he know this? He then looks down at his patent leather shoes. He then asks Clotilde to dance. He looks at his patent leather shoes about five times. He asks Clotilde if she is wearing any panties.. She replies, \"No\" He says, \"Thank God, I thought my patent leather shoes were cracked.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 320,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by\na tax agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of\n$80,000 for the year.\n\n\"Why don't you people leave me alone?\" the deli owner said. \"I work\nlike a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only\nclosed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?\"\n\n\"It's not your income that bothers us,\" the agent said. \"It's these\ntravel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your\nwife.\"\n\n\"Oh, that,\" the owner said smiling. \"It is a legitimate business\nexpense - we deliver!\"",
"category": "Food Jokes",
"id": 321,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Men are like a deck of cards....You need a heart to love themA Diamond to marry themA Club to beat themAnd a spade to bury the bastards",
"category": "Men",
"id": 322,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made. The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.",
"category": "Men",
"id": 323,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past\nOle's house and saw a sign that said \"Boat For Sale.\" \n\nThis confused\nSven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally\ndecided to go in and ask Ole about it.\n\n\"Hey Ole,\" said Sven, \"I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat\nFor Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old\nJohn Deere tractor and combine.\"\n\nOle replied, \"Yup, and they're boat for sale.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 324,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "\"May I take your order?\" the waiter asked.\n\n\"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?\"\n\n\"Nothing special sir,\" he replied. \"We just tell them straight out\nthat they're going to die.\"",
"category": "Food Jokes",
"id": 325,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, \"Today I\nam going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of\noutstanding natural beauty, with majestic mountains, beautiful pristine\nlakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high\ncliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and\nscenic rivers stocked with salmon.\"\n\nGod continued, \"I shall make the land rich in oil so the inhabitants\nprosper, and they shall be called Canadians, and they shall be known as\nthe friendliest people on the earth.\"\n\n\"But Lord\", said Gabriel, \"surely you are being too generous to these\nCanadians?\"\n\n\"Not really\", replied God. \"Just wait and see the neighbors I'm going to give them.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 326,
"rating": 2.58
},
{
"body": "Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.\"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00...\"\"Great,\" says Sam, \"after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.\"As Lars is leaving, he stops. \"Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'.\"Not a problem,\" says Sam. \"After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em.\"Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. \"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.\"Sam says, \"Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again.\"Once again Lars turns from the door. \"More'n likely be some wild sex, too.\"\"Now that's really not a problem,\" says Sam, warming to the idea. \"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?\"Lars stops in the door again and says, \"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 327,
"rating": 4.14
},
{
"body": "A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with\nhis coffee. \"This coffee,\" he said loud enough for most of the other\npatrons to hear, \"is going to be pretty hot to stir with my\nfingers.\"\n\nThe waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and\nreturned shortly with another cup of coffee.\n\n\"This one isn't so hot, sir,\" he beamed.",
"category": "Food Jokes",
"id": 328,
"rating": 2.57
},
{
"body": "A man ducked into confession with a turkey in his arms. \"Forgive me,\nFather, for I have sinned,\" he said. \"I stole this turkey to feed my\nfamily. Would you please take it and settle my guilty conscience?\"\n\n\"Certainly not,\" said the Priest. \"As penance, you must return it to\nthe one from whom you stole it.\"\n\n\"I tried,\" Brian sobbed, \"but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I\ndo?\"\n\n\"If what you say is true,\" the Priest said, \"then it is all right for\nyou to keep it for your family.\"\n\n\"Oh thank-you, Father,\" the man said, and hurried off.\n\nWhen confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he\nwalked in, the housekeeper came rushing up to him. \"Father, it's\nterrible!\" she cried.\n\n\"What has happened?\" asked the Priest.\n\nThe housekeeper replied, \"Someone has stolen the turkey right out of\nyour refrigerator!\"",
"category": "Science",
"id": 329,
"rating": 3.25
},
{
"body": "A man went to the doctor and said, \"Doctor, I've got a problem, but if \n you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh.\"\n \n\n\"Of course I won't laugh,\" the doctor said. \"I'm a professional. In\n over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.\"\n \n\"Okay then,\" the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, \n revealing the tiniest member the doctor has ever seen. \n Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten \n minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his \n composure.\n \n \"I'm so sorry,\" he said. \"I don't know what came over me. On my honor \n as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what \n seems to be the problem?\" \n \n \"It's swollen.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 330,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, \"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.\"\"From now on,\" he said, \"we're going to run this house the same way.\" \"When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night.\" The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, \"Bell 1!\" and his wife took off her clothes. \"Bell 2,\" and his wife jumped into bed. \"Bell 3,\" and they began to make love. After two minutes his wife yelled, \"Bell 4!\"\"What the hell is Bell 4?\" the husband asks. \"Roll out more hose,\" she replied, \"you're nowhere near the fire!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 331,
"rating": 3.77
},
{
"body": "An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinationthe same day so they could travel together. After the examination, thedoctor then said to the man: \"You appear to be in good health. Do youhave any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?\"\"In fact, I do,\" said the man. \"After I have sex with my wife thefirst time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sexwith my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.\"\"This is very interesting,\" replied the doctor. \"Let me do someresearch and get back to you.\" After examining the elderly lady, thedoctor said: \"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medicalconcerns that you would like to discuss with me?\"The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctorthan asked: \"Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that heis usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you andcold and chilly after the second time.... \"Do you know why?\"\"Oh that old buzzard!\" she replied. \"That's because the first time isusually in July and the second time is usually in December.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 332,
"rating": 3.11
},
{
"body": "Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first teeandthe fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, \"My son is a home builder, and he is sosuccessful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it tohim!\" The second man said, \"My son was a car salesman, and now he owns amulti-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of hisfriends a new Mercedes, fully loaded.\" The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, \"My son is astockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entireportfolio.\" The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of takingcare of business. The first man mentioned, \"We were just talking about oursons. How is yours doing?\" The fourth man replied, \"Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gaybar.\" The other three men grew silent as he continued, \"I'm not totallythrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His lastthree boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stockportfolio.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 333,
"rating": 4.2
},
{
"body": "Two men were sitting in a bar.One man turned to the other and said,\"I slept with your mother!\"The other man ignored him.A few moments later the man said, more forcefully this time, \"I slept with your mother!!\"The other turned to him and replied,\"Go home Dad, you've had too much to drink.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 334,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Three men go golfing together one day. When they get to the Third hole, one said to the other, \"How did you manage to get here today past your wife?\"The second man said, \"It wasnt easy. I had to promise my wife that I would paint the full house outside. How did you do it?\"\"Well,\" the second man replied, \"I promised my wife that I would remodel the Kitchen and Bathroom.\"Then, a few holes latter, the first two asked the thrid man how he got here today.\"Easy,\" said the third man. \"I put my alarm on last night for five thirty this morning, and when the alarm went off, I rolled over, tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, 'Golf course or Intercourse.' and she replied back, \" You better take a sweater, I think its going to be cold\" PM",
"category": "Men",
"id": 335,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "TOP TEN PLACES/TIMES NOT TO GET A WOODY10. With your wife, visiting her sister.9. Golfing with the guys.8. With your wife, and accidently run into your ex-girlfriend.7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game.6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation.4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.3. In front of your childs 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher, for show and tell.2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you. And the number one time never to get a woody is:1. Your best friend on a guys night out, asks you, \"Hey what do you want to do tonight?\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 336,
"rating": 3.14
},
{
"body": "An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming,\"I can't believe you missed that putt!\" \"That putt was no longer than my 'willy'.\"The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, \"yes dear, but it was much harder!\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 337,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "This newfie, one time, wanted to marry a Shieks daughter in Egypt. So the Shiek said to the Newfie, \"You have to complete three tasks before you can marry here.\"So the newfie replied, \"That sounds good.\"So then the Shiek said, \"There are three tents. In the first tent, there is a forty ounce bottle of rum, which you have to drink in a half hour.\"The newfie replies, \"piece of cake.\"\"In the second tent,\" the Shiek said, \"there is a saber tooth tiger that needs his tooth pulled.\"The Newfie replies, \"EASY.\"\"And in the third tent,\" the Shiek says, \"there is a women that has never been sexually pleasured before, and you have to pleasure her.\"The Newfie replies, \"Not a problem\"So the Newfie walk in the first tent, and a half hour later, he walks out and says, \"Well, that was easy enough, show me the next tent.\"So the Newife walks into the second tent and then the tent started to shake, and strange noises started to sound. A few minutes later, there was silence. The Newfie walks out of the tent, bleeeding and ripped upo clothes and says, \"NOW, wheres that women who wanted her tooth pulled\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 338,
"rating": 4.57
},
{
"body": "A cowboy finds himself captured by indians. The indians decide they are going to kill him, and the chief tells the cowboy he may have 3 last requests granted to him. The cowboy walks over to his horse and whispers something in his ear. The horse takes off running, and then returns in 10 minutes with a young, busty blond. The cowboy shrugs, and takes the blond into a nearby teepee. He emerges 10 minutes later. The chief then tells him, he has 2 requests left.The cowboy goes over to his horse again and whispers something in his ear. Again, the horse takes off and returns a short time later, this time with a young, busty brunette. The cowboy looks at her, and shrugs, taking her into a nearby teepee and then comes out 10 minutes later. He is reminded he has one request left.He goes back to his horse and whispers in his other ear 'For the last time, I said bring me MY POSSEE!!'",
"category": "Men",
"id": 339,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man went to a restaurant and ordered a steak with baked potato.\nAbout halfway through dinner he called the waitress over and said,\n\"Ma'am, this potato is bad.\"\n\nShe nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it. Then she put it\nback on his plate and said, \"Sir, if that potato causes any more\ntrouble, you just let me know.\"",
"category": "Food Jokes",
"id": 340,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says \"You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him.\"So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. \"Excuse me sir\" he starts, \"but I noticed you look just like me!\" The second man turns around and says \"Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?\"\"I'm from Dublin\" came the reply.\"Me too! What street do you live on?\"\"McCarthy street\"The second man replies, \"Me too! What number is it?\"\"162\" the first man replies.\"Me too! What are your parents names?\"\"Connor and Shannon\"The second man, almost dumbfounded says, \"Mine too! This is unbelievable!\" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks \"What's new today?\"\"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 341,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, \"What is the matter with you? You look terrible.\" He replied that he felt great. The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, \"What is the matter with you? You look terrible.\" The man replied thatthere was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, \"What isthe matter with you? You look terrible.\" The man again replied that he felt great.The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad. The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into theexamining room and saw him the doctor said, \"My god, you look terrible.\"The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terriblebut that he felt great. The doctor said, \"Are you sure you feel great?\" The man reiterated thathe definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book andlooked up \"looks terrible\". After he found that he looked up thesubsection \"feels great\". The doctor said, \"I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feelsgreat'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor,\"Tell me, what is it?\" The doctor replied, \"According to my book... you're a vagina!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 342,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married.On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of theroom, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.\"What happened?\" she asks.\"I've never been with a woman,\" he says, \"but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 343,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his familyincluding his mother-in-law.During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem.George'smother-in-law died.With the death certificate in hand, George went to the AmericanConsulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to theStates for proper burial.The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law toldGeorge that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very,very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for theremains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost$150.00.George thinks for some time and answers, \"I don't care how much itwill cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do,\"The Consul, after hearing this, says \"You must have loved yourmother-in-law very much considering the difference in price.\"\"No, it's not that,\" says George. \"You see, I know of a case manyyears ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the thirdday he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 344,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.",
"category": "Men",
"id": 345,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:\n\n\"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.\"\n\nReturning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:\n\n\"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 346,
"rating": 2.25
},
{
"body": "3 men were locked up in jail for 100 years for some terrible crime. They could all have one thing each in jail. The first guy wanted beer, the second guy wanted naked woman and the third guy wanted marijuana. 100 years later they checked up on them. The first guy said \"oh gosh no more beer, full, drunk.\" The second guy said \"oh, the woman fight, well im going gay.\" Then the third guy said \"Does anyone have a lighter?\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 347,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "A guy goes into a pharmacy walks up to the pharmacist and asks him for some condoms. The pharmacist says: \"well they come in packs of 3, 9, and 12\". The kid says: \"well im going to have dinner at her place tonight and after that were going out and i think im gonna get lucky and once she had me she wont be able to get enough, so better make it twelve\". Meanwhile he goes home and gets ready and heads over to her house to have dinner and meet her parents. They sit down ready for dinner and they ask him to say grace. He says it and goes on and on and on... The girl leans over and says: \"you didn't tell me you were such a religious person\", and he leans back and says: \"you didn't tell me your dad was a pharmacist\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 348,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "There was an Englishman,an Irishman and Scotishman siting on the edge of a cliff having a picnic.The Scotishman says \"Oh god i've got ham in my sarndwiches again, if i get ham tomorrow i'll jump off this cliff\".So the Englishman looks in his sandwiches and says \"Oh i've got beef in my sandwiches again,if get beef again i'll jump with ya Scottishman.\"So the Irishman looks in his sandwiches and says \"Oh i've got bloody tuna in my sandwiches again,if i get tuna again i'll join you two guys\".So the next day they all meet at the cliff and check their sandwiches.\"Oh crap,\"says the scottishman,\"i've got ham!\". So he jumps off the cliff.\"Oh bugger,\"says the Englishman,\"i've got beef again!\".So he jumps off the cliff.The Irishman looks in his sandwiches and says\"Bollocks! i've got tuna again!\". So he jumps off too. At the funeral the wifes meet up crying. The English wife says\"I only made him beef because i thought he liked it\".And the Scottish wife says\"Same here only made ham because i thought he liked it\".Then the Irish wife says\"Its not my fault he makes his own sandwiches!\".l",
"category": "Men",
"id": 349,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Tower: \"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7\"\n\nEastern 702: \"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure -- by the\nway, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far\nend of the runway.\"\n\nTower: \"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on\n124.7, did you copy the report from Eastern?\"\n\nContinental 635: \"Cleared for takeoff, roger, and yes we copied\nEastern and we've already notified our caterers.\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 350,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two Buddies were drinking in a bar one night and had became extreamly drunk. One guy was so drunk that he had got sick all over his shirt. He looks at his buddy and says \"My wife is gonna kill me when I get home,this is a brand new shirt! His buddy looks at him and says \"don't worry,just put $20 in your front pocket and tell her that some guy got sick on you and gave you $20 for the cleaning bill. The guy thinks this is a exellent idea and continues to drink. He closes the bar down and heads home. When he arrives and opens the front door his wife is standing there waiting on him. \"just look at you, you drunk bastard! You even got sick all over yourself\". The man replies \"No baby, it isnt like that some guy got sick on me and look here he gave me $20 for the cleaning bill. She pulls the money out of his pocket and counts it and says \"Wait one minute theres $40 here! The guy looks at her and says \" Oh yea, he crapped in my pants too!",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 351,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.\n\"Where have you been all night?\" she demands.\n\n\"At this new bar,\" he says. \"The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. \nIt's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!\"\n\nThe wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the\nphone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.\nShe calls up the place to check her husband's story.\n\n\"Is this the Golden Saloon?\" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.\n\"Yes it is,\" bartender answers.\n\"Do you have huge golden doors?\"\n\"Sure do.\" \"Do you have golden floors?\"\n\"Most certainly do.\"\n\"What about golden urinals?\"\nThere's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, \"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 352,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A middle aged woman stopped at the local grocery store each day for months, she always bought just one large can of dog food. One day the grocery clerk ask the woman what kind of dog she had. She replied, \"I \ndon't have a dog, my husband eats this for his lunch each day and he likes it.\"\n\nThe clerk said, \"Madam this is not fit for human consumption, it could make him sick, maybe even kill him.\" The woman purchased the dog food anyway and left. \n\nThis continued daly for months, then she stopped coming into the store. Several week later she stopped in and bought a loaf of \nbread, the clerk ask if she wanted any dog food, she replied, \"No, my husband passed away several weeks ago.\" The clerk said, \"I tried to warn you, that dog food could kill your husband. \n\nThe woman said, \"Oh, the dog food had nothing to do with it, he was chasing one car and was hit by a another.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 353,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up.\nOne woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: \"Our deepest sympathy.\"\n\n\tBut she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, \"Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 354,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "There were 3 friends stranded on an island. Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it. A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes. \n\nThe first man said, \"I wish I was with my family\" and *poof* he was with his family. \n\nThe second guy said \"I wish I was in a bar with my friends\" and *poof* he was gone. \n\nThe third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, \"What's wrong?\" \"The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here.\"\n\nPoof, his two friends were back on the island.",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 355,
"rating": 2.89
},
{
"body": "A Man's World!\n\n How many men does it take to open a beer?\nNone. It should be opened by the time she brings it.\n--------------------------------------\nWhy is a Laundromat a really bad place\nto pick up a woman?\nBecause a woman who can't even afford\na washing machine will probably\nnever be able to support you.\n-------------------------------------\nWhy do women have smaller feet than men?\nIt's one of those \"evolutionary things\"\nthat allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.\n------------------------------------\nHow do you know when a woman is about\nto say something smart?\nWhen she starts her sentence with\n\"A man once told me...\"\n---------------------------------\nHow do you fix a woman's watch?\nYou don't. There is a clock on the oven.\n---------------------------------\nWhy do men break wind more than women?\nBecause women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.\n---------------------------------\nIf your dog is barking at the back door\nand your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?\nThe dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.\n-----------------------------------\nWhat's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?\nA woman that won't do what she's told.\n------------------------------------\nI married Miss Right.\nI just didn't know her first name was Always.\n------------------------------------\nI haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:\nI don't like to interrupt her.\n-----------------------------------\nScientists have discovered a food\nthat diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.\nIt's called a Wedding Cake.\n-----------------------------------\nMarriage is a 3-ring circus:\nEngagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.\n------------------------------------\nOur last fight was my fault:\nMy wife asked me \"What's on the TV?\"\nI said, \"Dust!\"\n-----------------------------------\nIn the beginning,\nGod created the earth and rested.\nThen God created Man and rested.\nThen God created Woman.\nSince then, neither God nor Man has rested.\n----------------------------------------\nWhy do men die before their wives?\nThey want to.\n----------------------------------------\nA beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,\n\"I haven't eaten anything for days.\"\nShe looked at him and said, \"God, I wish I had your willpower.\"\n---------------------------------------\nYoung Son:\n\"Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some\nparts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?\"\nDad:\nThat happens in every country, son.\n--------------------------------------\nA man inserted an advertisement in the classified:\n\"Wife Wanted.\"\nThe next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:\n\"You can have mine.\"",
"category": "Science",
"id": 356,
"rating": 3.71
},
{
"body": "A woman went to the hospital to have her baby. When she was adjusted, the doctor came in and said, \"We have a new program where the father feels the pain\". After about half an hour into labor the father said, \"This is cool, I don't feel anything\". The next day they came home from the hospital and found the milkman dead on the doorstep.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 357,
"rating": 2.71
},
{
"body": "A small white guy gets into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: \"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown.\" The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the guy, \"What's wrong?\" The small white guy says, \"Excuse me but what did you say?\" The big dude looks down and says \"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.\" The small guy says, \"Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 358,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Two men were fishing in a pond one day and all of a sudden a funeral recession went by. One of the men stood up, took off his hat and stood there until it went completely by. The other guy said \"You know that was really descent of you to do that\". So the other guy said \"Yeh, its the least I could do, after all I've been married to the woman for 30 years\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 359,
"rating": 3.25
},
{
"body": "Paddy and Mick were standing at a road junction,they spotted a truck carrying aload of rolled up lawn turfPaddy says to Mick \"aye thats what i,m going to do when I win the lottery\"Mick says \"whats that then Paddy?\"Paddy replies \"send my grass away forcutting\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 360,
"rating": 2.8
},
{
"body": "A woman gets on a bus holding her baby.\n\n\"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen,\" says the bus driver.\n\nIn a huff, the woman slams her fare into the box and takes an aisle\nseat near the rear of the bus.\n\nThe man seated next to her senses her agitation and asks what's\nwrong.\n\n\"The bus driver insulted me!\" she shouts.\n\nThe man replies, \"Well, he's a public servant and shouldn't say\nthings to insult passengers!\"\n\nYou're right,\" says the woman. \"I think I'll go back up there and\ngive him a piece of my mind!\"\n\n\"That's a good idea,\" the man replies. \"Here, let me hold your\nmonkey.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 361,
"rating": 3.56
},
{
"body": "This guy who goes to a pub and asks the bar tender for 10 shots of tequilla. The bar tender says \"no thats too much\". The guy tells the bar tender he just found out his brothers gay, so the bar tender says thats understandable. so he gives the guy 10 shots of tequilla. \n\nThe next day the same guy goes to the pub again and asks the bar tender for 20 shots of tequilla. The bar tender says \"no way, that's too much\". The guy says, \"i just found out that my son's gay\". \n\nSo the bar tender says thats understandable\", and gives him 20 shots of tequilla. Now the next day the same guy goes to the bar again and asks the bar tender for 30 shots of tequilla. \n\nThe bar tender at this stage gets angry and says to the guy, \"what's the matter, does no one in ya house like women\", to which the guy replies, \"yeah my wife\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 362,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "An avid golfer dies and goes to heaven. He is met by St. Peter who tells him, \"Welcome to Heaven. I know you will be pleased to know that this is the best golf course in the universe!\" The man's eyes turn cloudy. St. Peter says, \"And the weather here is always good.\" A tear begins to form in the man's eye. St. Peter says, \"And there is never any lines of people when you want to golf.\" A tear starts dropping from the man's other eye. St. Peter hurriedly says, \"And your drives go at least 50 yards further up here.\" The man is now sniffling. St. Peter then says, \"And you will never have more than two puts on any of the greens.\" The man is now sobbing uncontrollably. St. Peter asks, \"Hey, what is the matter with you? I thought you would be overjoyed. Why the tears?\" The man answers, \"If my wife hadn't fed me all of that healthy food, I would have been here five years earlier!\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 363,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.\n\n\"Don't play with your food,\" one second-grader cited.\n\n\"Don't be loud,\" said another, and so on.\n\n\"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?\" the priest inquired of one little boy.\n\nWithout batting an eye, the child replied, \"Order something cheap.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 364,
"rating": 2.75
},
{
"body": "How Dogs and Men Are the Same1. Both take up too much space on the bed.2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.3. Both mark their territory.4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.7. Neither does any dishes.8. Both fart shamelessly.9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.10. Both like dominance games.11. Both are suspicious of the postman.12. Neither understands what you see in cats.How Dogs Are Better Than Men1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).7. You can train a dog.8. Dogs are easy to buy for.9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).10. Dogs understand what \"no\" means.11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.",
"category": "Men",
"id": 365,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, Bill notices that his buddy is very well endowed. \"Wasn't always that way,\" the buddy says. \"It's a transplant. I had it done over on Harley Street. It cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it's well worth every cent.\" So Bill visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. Bill explains, \"I took your advice, but you were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand.\" They go back to the restroom to compare. \"No wonder,\" his buddy says, \"That's my old one!\".",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 366,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent \"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?\" \"About 35\" was the reply. \"I'm actually 47 years old\" the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is \"Oh, you look about 29\" This makes him feel really good. Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies \"I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.\" Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady says \"You are 47 years old.\" Stunned the man says, \"That was brilliant. How did you do that?\" The old lady replies, \"I was behind you in the Fish & Chip shop\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 367,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "When the end of the world comes, everybody on earth goes to heaven. God comes and says, \"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.\" With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, \"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?\" And the man replied, \"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 368,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Men are like.....Floor tile.Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime. Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like.....Mascara.They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like.....Bike helmets.Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like.....Government bonds.They take so long to mature. Men are like.....Parking spots.The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small. Men are like.....Copiers.You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like.....Lava lamps.Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like.....Bank accounts.Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like.....High heels.They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.Men are like.....Curling irons.They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. Men are like.....Mini skirts.If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. Men are like.....Bananas.The older they get, the less firm they are.",
"category": "Men",
"id": 369,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. \"I'm sorry,\"\nshe said, \"Mr. Bradford's on another line.\"\n\n\"This is Mr. Ingram's office,\" the caller said. \"We'd like to know if\nhe's bullish or bearish right now.\"\n\n\"He's talking to his wife,\" the secretary replied. \"Right now I'd say\nhe's sheepish.\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 370,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "A man sent his clothing out to the local laundry. When it came back\nthere were still stains on his underwear. The next week he enclosed a\nnote saying, \"Use more soap on underwear.\"\n\nThis went on for several weeks, with the underwear returning stained,\nand the man sending the note, \"Use more soap on underwear.\"\n\nFinally the laundry came back with a note from the laundry man:\n\n\"Use more paper on rear.\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 371,
"rating": 3.86
},
{
"body": "A screenwriter came home to a burned down house. His sobbing and\nslightly singed wife was standing outside. \"What happened, honey?\" the\nman asked.\n\n\"Oh, John, it was terrible,\" she wept. \"I was cooking when the phone\nrang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice\nthe stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is\ngone. All our family pictures were destroyed. Yearbooks, trophies... I\nnearly didn't make it out of the house. I have no idea where the dog\nis...\"\n\n\"Whoa there, back up a minute!\" the man said. \"My agent called?\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 372,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. \n\nAfter a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. \n\nThe boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.\n\nAs the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. \"So\" the wife says, \"what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?\" \n\n\"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, \"by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 373,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. \n\"Eighty dollars,\" the dentist says. \n\n\"That's a ridiculous amount,\" the man says. \"Isn't there a cheaper way?\" \n\n\"Well,\" the dentist says, \"if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.\" \n\n\"That's still too expensive,\" the man says. \n\n\"Okay,\" says the dentist. \"If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20.\" \n\n\"Nope,\" moans the man, \"it's still too much.\" \n\n\"Hmm,\" says the dentist, scratching his head. \"If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10.\" \n\n\"Marvelous,\" says the man, \"book my wife for next Tuesday!\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 374,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, \"George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?\" \nGeorge replied, \"God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I'm done.\" \n\n\"Wow,\" commented Dr. Smith, \"That's incredible!\" \n\nA little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. \"Thelma,\" he said, \"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?\" \n\nGeorge's wife exclaimed, \"That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 375,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man was in a terrible accident, and his \"manhood\" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. \n\nThe doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. \n\n\"Well, what have the two of you decided?\" asked the doctor. \n\nThe man answered, \"She'd rather remodel the kitchen.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 376,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his forehead and says \"Bartender give me a scotch on the rocks.\"\nThe bartender returns with the drink, and being kind of curious about the pair, asks:\n\"If you don't mind my asking, how'd you end up with that thing on you?\" \n\nImmediately the frog replies, \"I don't know, it started out as a wart on my ass!\".",
"category": "Men",
"id": 377,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "why did the 1 handed man cross the road??to get to the second hand shop",
"category": "Men",
"id": 378,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb\nover the meat as he is carrying the plate.\n\n\"Are you crazy?\" yelled the customer, \"you have your hand on my\nsteak!\"\n\n\"What,\" answers the waiter, \"you want it to fall on the floor\nagain?\"",
"category": "Food Jokes",
"id": 379,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched bya midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guydoesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. \"Wow!\" comments the midget. \"Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!\" Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. \"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,\" says the little fellow, \"but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?\" Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on theman's balls, and says, \"Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!\" ** Shibu **",
"category": "Men",
"id": 380,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "There are two guys that are trying to get a quick 18 holes, but there are 2 terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go. The first guy says: \"Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?\"The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy asks what's wrong?He says: \"One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress.\"The first guy says: \"That could be a problem. I'll go over.\" He gets about half way there and comes back.The second guy asks what's wrong?The first guy answers: \"Small world!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 381,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A woman`s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won`t\nripen. There`s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and\nshe`s getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,\n\"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?\"\n\nHer neighbor replies, \"Well, it may sound absurd but here`s what to\ndo. Tonight there`s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and\ntake all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they`ll\nbe embarrassed and blush. In the morning they`ll all be red, you`ll\nsee.\"\n\nWell, what the heck? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks how it\nworked.\n\n\"So-so,\" she answers. \"The tomatoes are still green but the\ncucumbers are all four inches longer.\"",
"category": "Food Jokes",
"id": 382,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A man was in an airplane, and waiting for the men's room to be free. After Half an hour, he asked a flight attendent if he could use the lady's restroom. The women said yes but told him not to touch to the buttons on the wall. He then went in the cabin. On the wall next to him were for buttons. He couldn't resist and pressed on the first one. Water started spraying from the toilet, cleaning his ass. He was so amazed by that, that he pushed on the second button. Then it was hot air that came out of the toilet, drying his ass. Astonished by that cool technology, he pressed on the third button. Powder popped out, leaving his buttocks soft and smelling good. He finally looked at the last button. The letters A.T.R. were inscribed on it. Without even asking himself what it ment, he pressed on it. Ne next thing he knew, he was in a hospital, surrounded by doctors and nurses. His waist war wrapped in a tissue and there was blood everywhere. He looked at one of the doctors and asked him what happened. The doctor told him that he pressed on the A.T.R. button. The man asked him what it standed for. The doctor ansewred: \"Automatic Tampon Remover.\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 383,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "4 men went golfing one day. Three headed to the first tee while the other went to the clbhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, \"My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gavea friend a new home for free.\" The second man said, \"My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a brand new mercedes, fully loaded.\" The third man not wanting to be outdone, bragged, \"My son is a stockbroker, and is so successful that he gave a friend an entire portfolio.\" The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking caring of business. The first man mentioned, \"We were just talking about our sons.How is yours doing?\" The fourth man replied, \"Well my son is gay and and dances in a gay bar.\" The others grew silent as he continued, \"I'm not tottally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a stock portfolio anda brand new mercedes.\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 384,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. \"Doctor, you must help me,\" she pleaded. \"It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.\"\n\n\"I see,\" nodded the psychiatrist. \"And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.\"\n\n\"NO!!!\" exclaimed the nurse. \"I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 385,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, \"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.\" \"Dear,\" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, \"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!\"",
"category": "Men",
"id": 386,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 387,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, \"Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in.\"\"But we's privates,\" protests Jasper.\"We's sergeants now, \"says Leroy, pulling him inside.\"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.\"\"But we's privates,\" says Jasper. \"Are you blind, boy?\" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. \"We's sergeants now.\"So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. \"You're cute,\" she says, \"and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.\"Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, \"Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign.\" So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. \"Jasper,\" he says, \"why did you give me the okay sign?\"\"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates.\" He points to his stripes. \"But we's sergeants now!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 388,
"rating": 4.11
},
{
"body": "A guy was duck hunting in Alabama when the park ranger walks up,\"Afternoon sir\", the ranger says, \"You got an Alabama duck hunting license\"?\"Yes I do\", the redneck replies.The ranger picks up one of the ducks and sticks a finger up it's bum and takes a lick of his finger then says, \"Sorry but this ducks from Georgia, you got a Georgia license?\"\"Yes I do sir\" , the redneck says,So the ranger picks up another duck with the same results says, \"well this duck is from Mississippi, you got a license from Mississippi?\"\"Yes I do sir\" the good ole boys says.\"Well dang son where you from?\" the ranger says.The old boy stands up turns around, drops his drawers and says:\"Well you tell me buddy!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 389,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Bob says to Lester, \"You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.\" Lester says, \"So what you gonna do different this year?\" Bob says, \"This year, I'm takin' Marie with me...\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 390,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. \n\nAs he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. \n\nHe looked at the first young man and asked, \"Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?\" The young man looks at him and says, \"I pilot!\" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, \"Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!\" The aide hustles the young man off. \n\nThe general looks at the second young man and asks, \"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?\" The young man says, \"I chop wood!\" \"Son,\" the general replies, \"we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?\" \"I chop wood!\" \"Young man,\" huffs the general, \"you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!\" \n\n\"Well,\" the young man says, \"you hired my brother!\" \"Of course we did,\" says the general, \"he's a pilot!\" \n\nThe young man rolls his eyes and says, \"Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 391,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. \"Hey,\" says the lone hunter, \"I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground.\" After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, \"Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!\" \"Yep,\" the other added, \"but we're gittin' further away from the truck....\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 392,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An Irishman in a wheelchair rolls into a bar and asks the waitress for a cup of coffee. He then looks over at the bar and asks the waitress, \"Is that Jesus?\" The waitress says that it is, so the Irishman says, \"Give him a cup of coffee... I'll pay.\" A few minutes later, an Englishman with a humped back walks in and asks the waitress for a cup of tea. He then asks the waitress, \"Hey... is that Jesus over there?\" The waitress nods and so the Englishman says, \"Give 'im a cup of tea... on me.\" A few minutes later, a Redneck walks in on a pair of crutches. He says, \"Hey, sweet thang... how's 'bout an ice-cold coke. Holy smokes... is that Jesus?\" The waitress says, \"Sure is.\" So, the Redneck says, \"Give the ol' boy a coke... put it on my tab.\" Later, Jesus gets up to leave, walks over to the Irishman, touches him and says, \"For your kindness, you are healed.\" The Irishman gets up out of his wheelchair and dances a jig out of the door. Jesus walks over to the Englishman, touches him and says, \"For your kindness, you are healed.\" The Englishman stretches out his back and does backflips out the door. Jesus walks over to the Redneck. Then, the Redneck gets up, backs away, and says, \"Stay away from me... I'm drawin' disability!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 393,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so don 't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.Love, Ma",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 394,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "1. Never take a beer to a job interview.2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.DINING OUT1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to \"bruise\" the fruit of the vine.2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with yourfingers covering the label.ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.PERSONAL HYGIENE1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job thatshould be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, asthey tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.DATING (Outside the Family)1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the firstdate.2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: \"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.\"3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say \"Monday.\" If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her toschool on time.THEATER ETIQUETTE1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.WEDDINGS1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.4. Though uncomfortable, say \"yes\" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.DRIVING ETIQUETTE1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largesttires always has the right of way.3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 395,
"rating": 4.38
},
{
"body": "A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, \"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.\" \n\nHe looks at her and says angrily, \"Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.\" \n\n\"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.\" \n\nTo which he replied, \"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.\" \n\n\"Fine,\" she says, \"Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.\" \n\n\"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,\" he says. \"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!\" \n\nSo he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. \"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?\" \n\nShe said, \"Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.\" \n\nHe said, \"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?\" \n\nShe replied, \"Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 396,
"rating": 4.2
},
{
"body": "The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced \"Bear.\" Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, \"Shot with a .308 rifle.\" He was right.They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, \"Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, \"I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?\" His wife angrily replied, \"I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, \"Skunk, killed with an axe.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 397,
"rating": 4.4
},
{
"body": "Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tellsLuther, \"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only thisyear I'm gonna do it a little different!The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three yearsago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline gotpregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlinedidn't get pregnant again.\"Luther asks Billy Bob, \"So, what you gonna do this year that'sdifferent?\"Billy Bob says, \"This year I'm taking Earline with me.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 398,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of \"Guess the Animal\". The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat. \"Okay, boys and girls,\" she said brightly, \"can anyone tell me what this is?\" \"I know, I know, it's a cat!\" yelled a little boy.\"Very good, Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?\" \"That's a dog!\" piped up the same little boy.\"Right, again. And what about this animal?\" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, \"I'll give you a hint, children...it's something you're mother calls your father\".\"I know, I know,\" screamed Eddie. It's a horny bastard!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 399,
"rating": 4.17
},
{
"body": "A Jewish family invited their redneck neighbors over for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and their hostess announced, \"This is soup made with matzo balls.\" Seeing two large matzo balls in the soup, the redneck man was very hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. The Jewish couple gently urged him to try it. \"Just give it a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it,\" they said reassuringly. Finally, he agreed to give it a try. He dug his spoon in, picked up a small piece of matzo ball with some soup in the spoon, and gingerly tasted it. The usual 'mmmm' sound could be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup. \"I must say, that was quite delicious,\" he said, \"but I was wondering\u2026.Are there other parts of the matzo you can eat?\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 400,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "karl was telling his buddies back on the farm about his first visit to a big city church. \"When I got there, they made me park my old pick-up in the corral,\" he began. \"You mean in the parking lot,\" interrupted Jeb, a more worldly fellow. \"Then I walked up the trail to the door,\" karl continued. \"The sidewalk to the door,\" Jeb corrected. \"Inside the door, I was met by some dude,\" karl went on. \"That would be the usher,\" explained Jeb. \"Well, the usher led me down the chute,\" said karl. \"You mean the aisle,\" Jeb said. \"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,\" continued karl. \"Pew,\" retorted Jeb. \"Yeah,\" karl recalled. \"That's exactly what the pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 401,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "Arkansas State Residency Application ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name:(_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed Spouse's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_ Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 402,
"rating": 4.57
},
{
"body": "Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. \"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love tohis mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector\", says the Coroner. \"Second body: \"Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.\" The Inspector asked, \"What of the third body?\" \"Ah,\" says the coroner, \"this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.\" \"Why is he smiling then?\" inquires the Inspector. \"Thought he was having his picture taken.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 403,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "You know yours is a Red Neck Church if:Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want to know whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. The pastor says, \"I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering.\" Then five guys and two women stand up. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because \"It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of.\" The choir is known as the \"OK Chorale.\" In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. Baptism is referred to as \"Branding.\" There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a new church septic tank. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. The baptismal is a #2 galvanized wash tub. The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's Bar-B-Q, and areembroidered with his logo. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 404,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You might be a Redneck Jedi if...You ever heard the phrase, \"May the force be with y'all.\"Your Jedi robe is camouflage.You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of BudLight.At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgumskeeters.Wookies are offended by your B.O.You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so youdidn't have to wait for a commercial.You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.Your father has ever said to you, \"Shoot, son come on over to thedark side...it'll be a hoot.\"You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defenseelectro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of yourland-speeder.You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Dukeshorts.You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to getin through the window.Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba theHutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwooddeck.You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantinascene.If you hear . . . \"Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 405,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "One day in the great state of Alabama a man walks outside and hears this strange noise coming from one of his trees. He proceeds to walk over to his tree and looks up in the tree to find the source of this noise. What he finds is a large gorilla moving around in the top of his tree trying to get comfortable. The man stops and thinks to himself, \"How on earth am i going to get this gorilla out of my tree? There aren't any gorilla catchers in Alabama are there?\"The man walks inside his house and gets his phone book and is looking in the animal control section and low and behold there actually is a gorilla catcher listed, so the man picks up the phone and calls the number. He reaches the gorilla catcher who says that he'll be there in ten minutes. The gorilla catcher shows up in a big truck with a tool box in the back and a very large dog sitting on top of the tool box and a very large cage sitting in back of the tool box. The gorilla catcher gets out of his truck and walks up to the man and shakes hands with him. The man then shows the gorilla catcher the tree and points up at the gorilla. After looking at the gorilla for a minute, the gorilla catcher walks back over to his truck and gets old Clyde off the tool box and gets out a gun and walks back over to the tree and sits the gun down next to old Clyde. The gorilla catcher looks over at the man and says, \"Here's the plan. I'm gonna climb this here tree and knock the gorilla out. When the gorilla hits the ground old Clyde here's gonna bite him in the nuts and hold on 'til I can get out of the tree and put the gorilla in the cage. Any questions?\"The man can't think of any so the gorilla catcher starts making his way up the tree. When the catcher gets almost halfway up the tree the man notices the shotgun next to old Clyde. He quickly calls up to the gorilla catcher and says, \"Hey, what's the gun for?\"The gorilla catcher replies, \"OH, that's in case the gorilla knocks me out of the tree, I want u to shoot old Clyde before i hit the ground.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 406,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Dear son, \nIm writing this slow cause i know you cant read fast. Your pop read that all accidents happen within 20 miles of home so we moved. Can't send you the address as the last arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them so they wouldnt have to change their address.\n\nThat coat you wanted, aunt billy-mae said it was too heavy with them buttons, so we took them off and put them in the pockets.\n\nYour sister had a baby yester morn. Don't know if its a boy or girl so dont know if youre an aunt or uncle.\n\nThree of your friends went off the bridge last week. One was drivig the other two were in the back. The driver lived, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they coulnt get the talegate down.\n\nPlease write back. It you dont get this letter, let me know and i will send another one.\n\nLove, ma",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 407,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "IN GENERAL\n1. Never take a beer to a job interview.\n2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.\n3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.\n4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.\n5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. \n\nDINING OUT\n1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to \"bruise\" the fruit of the vine.\n2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. \n\nENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME\n1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a \n taxidermist.\n2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his \n manners are. \n\nPERSONAL HYGIENE\n1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should \n be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.\n2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. \n However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.\n3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they\n tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her\n finger foods.\n\nDATING (Outside the Family)\n1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.\n2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: \"I've been wanting to\n go out with you since I read that stuff on the fillin' station bathroom\n wall two years ago.\"\n3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will\n say 10:00 PM; Others might say \"Monday.\" If the latter is the answer, \n it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. \n\nTHEATER ETIQUETTE\n1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately\n after the movie has ended.\n2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven \n they can't hear you. \n\nWEDDINGS\n1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.\n2. Unless you are the groom, kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds \n may get you shot.\n3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a\n cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.\n4. Though uncomfortable, say \"yes\" to socks and shoes for this special \n occasion. \n\nDRIVING ETIQUETTE\n1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is\n loaded, and the deer is in sight.\n2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.\n3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.\n4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.\n5. Do not have sex while traveling in a funeral procession.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 408,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbingdiscovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls. The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas. So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, butPat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolateand seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the followingchildren: Mohammed Billy Bob Abba BubbaMohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin BouditMohammed Forrest Gumpa BubbaMohammed Rubba Dub Dubba BubbaBobbie Joe Bubba Amgood AtatBetty Jean Hasbeena BadgurlLinda Sue Bin There Dundat Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to havesprung from one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 409,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of themsuddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.He gasps to the operator, \"I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?\"The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, \"Just take it easy andfollow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.\"There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, \"Okay, he's dead.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 410,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "1. Go to O'Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.\n\n2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.\n\n3. Open a beer and drink it.\n\n4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.\n\n5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.\n\n6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.\n\n7. Place drain pan under engine.\n\n8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.\n\n9. Give up and use crescent wrench.\n\n10. Unscrew drain plug.\n\n11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.\n\n12. Clean up.\n\n13. Have another beer while oil is draining.\n\n14. Look for oil filter wrench.\n\n15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.\n\n16. Beer.\n\n17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.\n\n18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.\n\n19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.\n\n20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.\n\n21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.\n\n22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.\n\n23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.\n\n24. Remember drain plug from step 11.\n\n25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.\n\n26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.\n\n27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.\n\n28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.\n\n29. Begin a cussing fit.\n\n30. Throw wrench.\n\n31. Cuss and complain.\n\n32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.\n\n33. Beer.\n\n34. Beer.\n\n35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.\n\n36. Beer.\n\n37. Lower car from jack stands\n\n38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands\n\n39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.\n\n40. Test drive car\n\n41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.\n\n42. Car gets impounded.\n\n43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.\n\nMoney Spent:\n\n$50 parts\n\n$12 beer\n\n$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!\n\n$1000 Bail\n\n$200 Impound and towing fee\n\nTotal: $1337",
"category": "Money",
"id": 411,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "DEAR REDNECK SON, I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends ran off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Love, Mom P. S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 412,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.\"Come have a look over here\", says Bubba, \"It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.\"\"That's nothing\", says Earl, \"here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.\"Just then, Jeb yells out, \"But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!\"\"What was his name?\" asks Bubba.Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, \"Miles, from Georgia.\".",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 413,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You might be a Redneck if your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 414,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a\nsmall island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.\n\n\"Who is it on that island?\" a passenger asks the captain.\n\n\"I have no idea... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts like\nthat.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 415,
"rating": 2.75
},
{
"body": "The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was \"TIMBUKTU\". The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem: Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels two by two, Destination Timbuktu. The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate. Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem: Me and Tim a hunting went, Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They were three and we were two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu. The redneck won hands down.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 416,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude. As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home. The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a few minutes, Johnney started screaming and ran off quickly. On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong. Johnny replied, \"My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone... And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard \"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 417,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father: \"Daddy, what are they doing?\" The father says: \"They are Making a puppy\". So they walk on and go home.A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says: \"Daddy, what are you doing?\" The father replies: \"Making a baby\". The little boy says: \"Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 418,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.She finally asked him, \"Well what should we do about this?\"Dad looked at her and said, \"Well, I don't think you should spank him.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 419,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Kid's Books That Should Never Be Written:'You Were an Accident''Strangers Have the Best Candy''The Little Sissy Who Snitched''Some Kittens Can Fly!''The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion''How to Dress Sexy for Grownups''Getting More Chocolate on Your Face''Where Would You Like to Be Buried?''Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her''The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!''All Dogs Go to Hell''The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking''When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It''Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia''What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?''Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?''Bi-Curious George''Daddy Drinks Because You Cry''Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver''You Are Different and That's Bad''Why God Burned Down Disney Land'",
"category": "Children",
"id": 420,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of \nthis.\n\nTeacher: \"Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can \nleave early today.\"\n\nLittle Johnny says to himself, \"Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and I'll answer the question.\" \n\nTeacher: \"Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?\" \n\nBefore Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, \"Abraham Lincoln.\" \n\nTeacher: \"That's right Susie, you can go home.\" \n\nJohnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first. \n\nTeacher: \"Who said 'I Have a Dream'?\" \n\nBefore Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, \"Martin Luther King.\" \n\nTeacher: \"That's right Mary, you can go.\" \n\nJohnny is even madder than before. \n\nTeacher: \"Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?\" \n\nBefore Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, \"John F. Kennedy.\" \n\nTeacher: \"That's right Nancy, you may also leave.\" \n\nJohnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. \n\nWhen the teacher turns her back Johnny says, \"I wish these kids would keep their mouths shut!\" \n\nThe teacher turns around: \"NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!\" \n\nJohnny: \"MICHAEL JACKSON. CAN I GO NOW?\"",
"category": "School",
"id": 421,
"rating": 3.83
},
{
"body": "At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, \"I know the whole truth\". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, \"I know the whole truth.\" His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, \"Just don't tell your father.\" Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, \"I know the whole truth.\" The father promptly hands him $40 and says, \"Please don't say a word to your mother.\" Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, \"I know the whole truth.\" The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, \"Then come give your father a big hug.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 422,
"rating": 4.75
},
{
"body": "One day a little boy asked his father, \"how come you named my sister Running Dear?\"\n\nSo the father answerd his question and said, \"when your sister was born I couldn't think of a name so I looked out the window and that was the first thing that I saw.\"\n\n\"Oh\" said the little boy, \"is that the same reason why you named my brother Flying Bird?\"\n\nThe father said to his son \"why do you ask that, Two Dogs Screwing?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 423,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.\"It's a period,'' said the little boy.\"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 424,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. \"I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE...I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR...\" His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, \"Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf.\" To which the little brother replied, \"No, but Gramma is!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 425,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house. While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, \"Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?\" The kid says, \"Daddy told me you were a self-made man.\" \"I am.\" \"Well, why did you make yourself like that?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 426,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A little boy returning home from school said to his mother, 'Mom, what's sex?' His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?'",
"category": "Children",
"id": 427,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, \"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?\" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. \"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?\" The little boy nodded yes. \"So,\" the coach continued, \"when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?\" Again the little boy nodded.\"Good,\" said the coach. \"Now go over there and explain it to your mother.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 428,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. \"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?\" he says.\"That's cool\" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.Carrie's father responds, \"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.\" Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.\"Yeah,\" says Carrie's father, \"Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!\"Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, \"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 429,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith.P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer.",
"category": "Science",
"id": 430,
"rating": 3.73
},
{
"body": "The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.\n\nSpeaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, \"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?\"\n\nA young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, \"A basketball coach?\"",
"category": "School",
"id": 431,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, \"Okay, you say 'damn' and I'll say 'hell'\".\n\nAll excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.\n\"Aw, hell,\" says the eight-year-old, \"gimme some Cheerios.\"\nHis mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. \"What'll you have?\"\n\"I dunno,\" quavers the six-year-old, \"but you can damn sure bet it ain't gonna be Cheerios.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 432,
"rating": 3.4
},
{
"body": "A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.\"Now, class, closely observe the worms,\" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.\"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?\" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, respondedconfidently, \"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 433,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week. Johnny said, \"Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --\" The mother held up her hand and said, \"Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me.\" The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him. \"But why?\" croaked the husband. \"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me.\" \"Well,\" said little Johnny, \"I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 434,
"rating": 4.75
},
{
"body": "A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied bytwo female teachers went on a field trip to the localracetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and thesupporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to thetoilet so it was decided that the girls would go with oneteacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men'stoilet, one of the boys came out and told her that hecouldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher wentinside and began hoisting the little boys up by theirarmpits, one by one. As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help butnotice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementaryschool child. \"I guess you must be in the fifth,\" she said. \"No ma'am,\" he replied, \"I'm in the seventh, riding SilverArrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 435,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. \"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?\" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says, \"I'll demonstrate it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned.\" The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, \"Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?\" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, \"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would.\" Then he goes to his sister's room and asks, \"Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?\" His sister looks up and says, \"Omigod! Definitely!\"The kid goes back to his father and says, \"Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two tramps.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 436,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny's father asked him, \"Do you know about the birds and the bees?\" \"I don't want to know!\" little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong. \"Oh dad,\" Little Johnny sobbed, \"At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 437,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A mother took her little boy to church. \nWhile in church the little boy said, \"Mommy, I have to pee.\" \n\nThe mother said to the little boy, \"It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'.\" \n\nThe following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, \"Daddy, I have to whisper.\" \n\nThe Father looked at him and said, \"Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 438,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, \"What's that?\" \n\"That's the elephant's tail,\" she replies. \n\n\"No, under the tail,\" says the youngster. \n\nThe mother is clearly embarrassed and says, \"Oh, nothing.\" \n\nThe boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, \"That's the elephant's penis, son.\" \n\n\"So, why did mum say it was nothing?\" asks the boy. \n\nThe father draws himself up to his full height and says, \"Son, I guess I've spoiled that woman.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 439,
"rating": 3.8
},
{
"body": "Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, \"Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.\" Johnny looked up and replied, \"Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 440,
"rating": 4.2
},
{
"body": "Bill and Linda decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. \"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,\" he said. \"An ambulance just drove by.\" A few moments passed.\"Looks like the Andersons have company,\" he called out, \"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.\"Mom and Dad shot up in bed. \"How do you know that?\" the startled father asked.\"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,\" his son replied.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 441,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, \"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?\" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. \"God Almighty !\" shouted Mary. The teacher said, \"Very good!\" and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, \"Who is our Lord and Savior?\", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. \"Jesus Christ!\" shouted Mary. The teacher said, \"Very good!\" and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, \"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?\" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, \"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 442,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "HERE ARE SOME CHILDREN BOOKS THAT WILL NEVER BE PUBLISHED:---------------------------------------\"You Were an Accident\"\"Strangers Have the Best Candy\"\"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!\"\"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It\"\"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia\"\"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?\"\"Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends?\"\"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry\"\"Dad's New Wife Timothy\"\"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games\"\"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables\"\"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy\"\"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will\"\"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead\"\"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School\"\"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 443,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Little Josh comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. \"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,\" he asks, \"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?\" His father thinks a bit, then says, \"No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?\" \"Osama bin Laden,\" David says. \"Why Osama bin Laden,\" his father asks in shock. \"Well,\" Josh says, \"I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.\" His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. \"Josh, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.\" \"I know,\" Josh says, \"and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the hell out of him.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 444,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The little boy walks into his father's bedroom and\ncatches him putting on a condom.\n\nHe says, \"What are you doing, Pop? The father\nstutters \"I'm going to kill a mouse, son.\"\n\nThe kid says, \"What are you going to do, bang him to death?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 445,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. 'I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,' she tells the children. So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, 'What flavor is that?' \n\nThe whole class answers 'Mmmm, that's cherry.' \n\n'Very good,' the teacher replies. So she gives them all a grape and they reply, 'Mmm, that's grape.' \n\n'Very good,' she says again. \n\nThen she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says 'OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.' \n\nBilly spits his out on the floor and yells, 'Spit 'em out everyone, they're idiots!'",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 446,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Sad News! It's always difficult to bring sad news but I think\neveryone should know that there was a great loss in the\nentertainment world.\n\nThe man that wrote the \"Hokey Pokey\" died.\n\nWhat's really horrible was they had trouble keeping the body in the\ncasket. They'd put his left foot in......well, you know the rest...",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 447,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. \"Wake up,\nson. It's time to go to school!\"\n\n\"But why, Mom? I don't want to go.\"\n\n\"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.\"\n\n\"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!\"\n\n\"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get\nready.\"\n\n\"Give me two reasons why I should go to school.\"\n\n\"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the\nPrincipal!\"",
"category": "School",
"id": 448,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him. One day he decided to\ntrick them into doing some work for a change.\n\n\"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,\" he\nannounced. \"Will the laziest man please put his hand up.\"\n\nNine hands went up.\n\n\"Why didn't you put your hand up?\" he asked the tenth man.\n\n\"Too much trouble,\" came the reply.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 449,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A little girl goes to visit Santa at the Mall. When it is her turn she sits on his lap and Santa says \"Have you been good?\" \n\nLittle Girl, \"Yes, Santa, very good.\" \n\nSanta, \"What would you like for Christmas?\"\n\nLittle Girl, \"I want Barbie and G. I. Joe.\" \n\nSanta, \"G. I. Joe? Doesn't Barbie come with Ken? \n\nLittle Girl, \"No, Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken. But she comes with G. I. Joe.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 450,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to\nthe other, \"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs\"\n\n\"Odd,\" her companion replies, \"but if we shall live in America, we\nmight as well do as the Americans do.\"\n\nNodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor\nand they both walk towards the cart.\n\n\"Two dogs, please,\" says one.\n\nThe vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs\nin foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry\nover to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'\n\nThe mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and\nthen, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and\nwhispers cautiously, \"What part did you get?\"",
"category": "Food Jokes",
"id": 451,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: \"Take only ONE\u2026\u2026God is watching.\" Further along the line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: \"Take all you want\u2026\u2026God is watching the apples.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 452,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny says \"Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.\" \"Well, you've done the right thing,\" says Mommy \"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 453,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. \"Yes,\" said the policeman. \"The detectives want him very badly.\" So Little Johnny asked, \"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 454,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.\"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named \"Mighty Storm\"?\"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.\"\"Why is my sister named \"Cornflower\"?\"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.\"\"And why is my other sister called \"Moonchild\"?\"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.\"\"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 455,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Mom and Dad were taking young Billy for a walk through the park one sunny afternoon when all of a sudden, in the bushes a short distance away, Billy spots two dogs going at it. Billy says, \"Daddy, what are they doing?\" The dad responds after some quick thinking, \"Why son, their making a puppy.\"Later that night Billy was thirsty and got out of bed to get a glass of water. As he walked by his mom and dad's room, he heard a noise and looked in only to find them going at it. Billy shouts, \"Daddy what are you doing?\" The father, quite embarrassed, replies \"Why Billy, we're making a baby.\" \"Quick, turn her over...\" declares Billy, \"...I want a puppy!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 456,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.\n\nWhen they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room.\n\n\"Grampa, Grampa,\" he says excitedly, \"as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!\"\n\n\"What?\" said his grandpa.\n\n\"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 457,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A little boy goes to the drugstore for some condoms. He goes up to thepharmacist and asked him, \"Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?\"The pharmacist replied, \"Son, do you know what condoms are used for?\"\"Sure do\" replied the boy, \"They keep you from getting venereal diseases.\"\"Yes, that's true,\" said the pharmacist, \"but do you know what the ribsare for?\"The little boy thought for a moment, then looked up at the pharmacist and replied, \"Well, not exactly, but they sure do make the hair on the backs of them goats stand up.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 458,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, \"Mom, what's sex?\" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, \"Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 459,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer,cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied,\"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?\" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, \"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth.\" The dad replied, \"Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 460,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A girl was throwing stones at a cow. Her father came & scolded her for throwing the stones at the cow & then told to her that cows are like mothers to them & should be respected. Next day guests come to their to their house & asked for her father. She said \"Father is pressing breast of mother\".",
"category": "Children",
"id": 461,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. \"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,\" he said. \"An ambulance just drove by.\" A few moments passed. \"Looks like the Anderson's have company,\" he called out. \"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.\" Mom and dad shot up in bed. \"How do you know that?\" the startled father asked. \"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,\" his son replied.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 462,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...\"You all have obsessions,\" he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, \"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.\" He turned to the second Mom, Ann: \"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.\" He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: \"Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.\" At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. \"Come on, Dick, we're leaving.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 463,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A five year old boy was living with his mother, as his parents had divorced. One Sunday, she decided to take him to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit. \"That's an elephant\", the mother said.After the child repeated after her, he asked, \"Mommy? What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?\"The mother replied, \"That's his trunk, sweetheart.\"\"No, no\", said the child, \"Behind that!\"\"Oh, that's his tail\", she said.\"No, no!\" the boy exclaimed. \"That thing in the middle!\"The woman was flustered and replied, \"Uhhhh, that's nothing, honey!\" And they moved on.....The next weekend, the boy's father came to pick him up and the child cried, \"Daddy, let's go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!\"The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, \"Elephant!\"\"Very GOOD\", beamed the father. \"I'm proud of you for remembering all these animals!\"The boy asked, \"Daddy? What's that thing hanging down on the elephant?\"The father replied, \"That's his trunk.\"\"No!\", the boy moaned, \"Behind that!\"\"That's his tail\", the father replied. \"No, no! That thing in the middle!\"The father stammered, \"Er...what did your mother say it was?\"\"She said it was nothing!\"\"Well\", the man said, puffing out his chest. \"Your mother's spoiled!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 464,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularlyletting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When sheinsisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, \"I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'mvery proud of that fact.\" The teacher says, \"If I show you I can do it better than you, willyou stop?\" Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on thefloor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speckof dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down,farted and when she was done there was not a trace of chalk dustleft on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see herdo it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. \"No wonder you won!\" he exclaimed indignantly, \"you've got a Double-Barrel!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 465,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A woman is in the hospital and just had twins, a boy and a girl. But no one is there with her except her brother.\n The nurse comes into the room after the delivery and says,\"your brother has taken the liberty to name the children.\"\n The new mother says,\"Oh no. he probably gave them stupid names.\"\n The nurse says,\"The girls name is Denise.\"\n The mother says,\"That's not bad, I like it. And the boys?\"\n The nurse says,\"The boys name is De-nephew.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 466,
"rating": 3.83
},
{
"body": "This 40 year old guy is driving home from work and he pulls into his driveway, walked up to his apartment, and then sees his girlfriend with her bag packed up. He says, \"Honey, why are you leaving me\"she say, \" cus I hear you're a pedifile!\"He responds, \"Pedifile?... Thats a pretty big word for a 10 year old, don't you think?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 467,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "There is a little white boy with an all white family playing outside in the mud.He rolls around and realizes he is covered in mud.He goes inside and tells his mom \"Look mom I'm black.\" She says come here. He went and she whooped him.She said go tell your dad what you did.He went to his dad and said \"Look dad i'm black.\" He said come here and he started to whoop him. Go to your grandma and tell her what you did. The grandma did the same thing. He went back to his mom and she asked \"What have you learned today?\" The boy said \"I've been black for five minutes and I already hate you white basterds!!!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 468,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, \"Harry what is your problem?\" Harry answered, \"I'm toosmart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarterthan she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!\"Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harrywaited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what thesituation was.The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failedto answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade andbehave.She agreed.Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreedto take the test.Principal: \"What is 3 x 3?\"Harry: \"9\".Principal: \"What is 6 x 6?\"Harry: \"36\".And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-gradeshould know.The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, \"I think Harry can go tothe third-grade.\"Ms Brooks says to the principal, \"Let me ask him some questions?\" Theprincipal and Harry both agree.Ms Brooks asks, \"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?\"Harry, after a moment \"Legs.\"Ms Brooks: \"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?\"Harry: \"Pockets.\"Ms Brooks: \"What does a dog do that a man steps into?\"Harry: \"Pants\"Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, anddelicious and contains thin whitish liquid?Harry: CoconutMs Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,Harry was taking charge.Harry: BubblegumMs Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and adog do on three legs?The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.Harry: Shake handsMs Brooks: Now I will ask some \"Who am I\" sort of questions, okay?Harry: Yep.Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. Iget wet before you do.Harry: TentMs Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. Thebest man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.Harry: Wedding RingMs Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blowme, you feel good.Harry: NoseMs Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.Harry: ArrowMs Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot ofheat and excitement?Harry: Fire truckThe principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, \"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 469,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.\n\nThe head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.\n\n\"Tell me,\" said he, \"if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'\n\nThe inmate said, \"It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.\"\n\n\"Marvelous,\" said the head of the institution.\n\n\"Or else,\" ruminated the inmate. \"I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.\"\n\n\"Absolutely,\" said the head.\n\n\"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.\"\n\n\"An interesting possibility,\" said the head.\n\n\"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.quot;",
"category": "Science",
"id": 470,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.\n\n\"This temple is 1503 years old\", replies the guide.\n\nImpressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.\n\n\"Easy\", replies the guide, \"the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 471,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults arehiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy toblackmail them by saying, \"I know the whole truth.\"Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, \"I know the whole truth.\" His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, \"Just don't tell your father.\"Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, andgreets him with, \"I know the whole truth.\" The father promptly hands him $40 and says, \"Please don't say a word to your mother.\"Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he seesthe mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, \"I know the whole truth.\" The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, \"Then come give your daddy a great big hug!\".",
"category": "Children",
"id": 472,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Mary led off: \"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,\" she said proudly, \"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.\" \"Very good,\" said the teacher. Little Sally was next: \"I sold magazines,\" she said, \"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.\" \"Very good, Sally,\" said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.\"$2,467,\" he said. \"$2,467!\" cried the teacher, \"What in the world were you selling?\" \"Tooth brushes,\" said Little Johnny. \"Tooth brushes,\" echoed the teacher, \"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?\" \"I found the busiest corner in town,\" said Little Johnny, \"I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing. Hey, this tastes like dog crap! Then I would say..............\" It is dog crap.\" Wanna buy a toothbrush?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 473,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Small boy came home after the school and immediately he goes to his father.\nBecause the teacher was explaining in the class something about Reality and Imagination but to him it was not clear, he asks his father \"can you tell me which the difference between Reality and Imagination is?\" trying to be as objective as he can he reply to his sun: \"go boy to your mom and your sis and tell them that a very handsome young boy asked you about them, that they are beautiful,like, he would love to share some moments alone with them but tell this to each personally and after they reply cam and tell me what they said\". Boy goes at first and after that he has don what his father asked from him, he cams back and tell to father that \"mother, when she heard me what I told her, her eyes start shining and asked me about the boys name and where he lives and is he really so cool etc.\" also the sister did the same, maybe she was more interested in details than mother. Than father told to the sun:\nBoy, Imagination in this case is that I always thought that I have a faithful wife and a very educated daughter and Reality is that we have two sluts living in same house with us",
"category": "Children",
"id": 474,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Dear Sir or Madam;\n\nWhile working with Mr. Smith, I have always found him\nworking studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or\ngossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom\nwastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always\nfinishes the given assignment in time. He is always\ndeeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be\nfound chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no\nvanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound\nknowledge of his field. I think he can easily be\nclassed as outstanding, and should on no account be\ndispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Smith should be\npushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be\nsent away as soon as possible.\n\nMr. Jones\nDirector of Personnel\n\n-----------------------------------------------------------------\n\nA yellow post-it was stuck to the letter.\n\nSMITH WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT MAILED TO YOU TODAY.\nREAD ONLY THE ALTERNATIVE LINES 1,3,5,7 AND SO ON FOR MY TRUE\nASSESSMENT OF HIM.\n\nJONES",
"category": "Business",
"id": 475,
"rating": 1.75
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife decided they needed to use \"code\" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. \n\nOne day the husband told his five year old daughter, \"Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter\". \n\nThe child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, \"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.\" The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. \n\nA few days later the mom told the daughter, \"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.\" \n\nThe child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, \"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 476,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Three Englishmen stopped at a restaurant for a spot of tea. The\nwaiter appeared with pad and pencil. \"I'll have a glass of weak\ntea,\" ordered the first.\n\n\"I'll have tea, too,\" said the second, \"but very strong with two\npieces of lemon.\"\n\n\"Tea for me, too, please,\" said the third. \"but be sure the glass is\nabsolutely clean.\"\n\nIn a short time the waiter was back with the order. \"All right,\" he\nasked, \"which one gets the clean glass?\"",
"category": "Food Jokes",
"id": 477,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "This little black boy comes down the stairs and sees that his mom is making cookies. He goes up to her and covers himself in flour and says \"Look Momma I'm a white boy.\" His mom slaps him and sends him to his father. \"Look daddy I'm a white boy.\" His dad slaps him and sends him to his grandmother. \"Look gandma I'm a white boy.\" She slaps him and sends him back to his mother. \"Now what did you learn from this?\" \"I'v only been white for a couple a minutes and I already hate you white people!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 478,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A little boy goes to the local mall to see Santa. When Santa askes the little boy what he wants for Christmas, the little boy replies, \"I don't know\". So Santa starts thinking of things that the little boy might like and spells it out. Each time he says a letter, he pushes the boys nose. B-I-K-E. C-A-T.Etc. Santa runs out of ideas and asks the little boy one more time what he wants for Christmas. The little boy says, \"I want some P-U-S-S-Y, and I know you have some because I can smell it on your fingers.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 479,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. \"What are you doing,\" his mother asked? \"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken,\" the boy explained. \"I'm looking for the seal.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 480,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "An old woman is going up in a lift in a very Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly: 'Romance by Ralph Lauren, \u00c2\u00a3100 a bottle.' Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and sayssnootily: chanel No 5, \u00c2\u00a3150 a bottle.' A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying: 'broccoli, 25p a pound.'",
"category": "Women",
"id": 481,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.\"If you'll just learn to cook,\" he said, \"we can fire the chef.\"\"Okay,\" she said. \"And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 482,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called \"The Knob,\" where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted \"The Knob.\" Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. \"All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: \"First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.\" The doctor looked at her closely and said, \"Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.\" She sighed and said, \"Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee....\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 483,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. \"What seems to be the problem?\" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counsellor spoke to the husband, \"Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!\" The husband scratched his head and replied, \"I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 484,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasinglyfurious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against agorgeous young blonde woman.As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenlywhirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, 'That will teach you topinch!'Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with hiswife when he choked, 'I . . . I didn't pinch that girl.''Of course you didn't,' replied his wife, consolingly. 'I did.'",
"category": "Women",
"id": 485,
"rating": 1.67
},
{
"body": "A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, \"Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?\"The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in theeye, she paused for moment and then confessed. \"Yes, yes he did.\"The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wifewas admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks \"Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?\"Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at firstas she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says \"You\".",
"category": "Women",
"id": 486,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.'Diane,' he said, 'the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died' 'Don't be ridiculous,' she replied, 'I don\u00d7\u009dt care where your money came from!'",
"category": "Women",
"id": 487,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.\n\n\"Are you the owner?\"\n\nshe asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.\"No\" he replies, \"I''m just the manager.\"\n\n\"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.\"\n\nShe asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.\n\n\"I''m afraid I can''t,\" breathes the manager clearly aroused,\" he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?\"\n\n\"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message.\"\n\nShe continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.\n\n\"Tell him\" she says \"that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 488,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, \"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?\" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. \"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?\" The little boy nodded yes. \"So,\" the coach continued, \"when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?\" Again the little boy nodded.\"Good,\" said the coach. \"Now go over there and explain it to your mother.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 489,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Two old ladies were sitting on rocking chairs in their retirement home. One asked, \"Do you still ever get horny?\"\n\n\"Oh, yes!\" was the reply.\n\n\"What do you do about it?\" asked the first.\n\n\"I suck on a lifesaver.\" was the reply.\n\nThe first lady sat there for a long while pondering the answer. Finally she couldn't stand it any longer, and asked, \n\n\"Who drives you to the beach?\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 490,
"rating": 3.2
},
{
"body": "Recently a \"Husband Super Store\" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.\n\nThe only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...\n\nFirst floor\nThe door had a sign saying, \"These men have jobs and love kids.\" The women read the sign and said, \"Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?\" So up they went.\n\nSecond floor\nThe sign read, \"These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.\" \"Hmmm,\" said the ladies, \"But, I wonder what's further up?\"\n\nThird floor\nThis sign read, \"These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.\"\n\"Wow,\" said the women, \"Very tempting.\" But there was another floor, so further up they went.\n\nFourth floor\nThis door had a sign saying \"These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.\"\n\"Oh, mercy me,\" they cried, \"Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.\n\nFifth floor\nThe sign on that door said, \"This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 491,
"rating": 4.75
},
{
"body": "A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, \"Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?\" The husband just looked at his wife and said, \"What do I look like, Mr.Plumber? \u009d A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, \"Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?\" \"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?\" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. \"Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?\" He just looked at her and said \"What do I look like, Bob Vila?\" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, \"Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?\" She replied nonchalantly, \"Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.\" \"Wow, did he charge us anything?\" asked the husband. \"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him\" she said. \"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?\" asked the husband. \"Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?",
"category": "Women",
"id": 492,
"rating": 4.83
},
{
"body": "Joe took his blind date to the carnival. \"What would you like to do first, Kim?\" asked Joe.\"I want to get weighed,\" she said.They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.\"I want to get weighed,\" she said.Back to the weight guesser they went.Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.\"I want to get weighed, \"she responded.By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, \"How'd it go?\"Kim responded, \"Oh, Waura, it was wousy.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 493,
"rating": 2.75
},
{
"body": "A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled with the speed. \"If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?\" he asked. \"Yes\" said the girl.When he got to 150mph, she peeled off her clothes. The boyfriend couldn't keep his eyes on the road,and soon went off into the woods, crashing the car. She was flung clear of the wreckage, but he was stuckbetween the steering wheel and the seat.\"Go and get help\" he cried\"But I can't, I'm naked and my clothes are gone\" said the girl.\"Take my shoe and cover your fanny Go quickly\"She came up on a service station and said to the bloke behind the counter \"Quick help me, my boyfriend's stuck\" The bloke looked at the shoe and said \"There's nothing I can do lady, he's in way too far\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 494,
"rating": 3.4
},
{
"body": "There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do?SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.SM: It's not workingSL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.Then Sister Logical arrives...SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.SM: And?SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.SM: What did you do?SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no! What happened then?SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........(And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending, Pray for forgiveness you heathens!)",
"category": "Women",
"id": 495,
"rating": 4.43
},
{
"body": "What does the dentist of the year get?...A little plaque.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 496,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Three old ladies are sitting in the park on a beautiful spring day feeding the pigeons and the squirrels, when suddenly, a man in a long trench coat jumps in front of them and throws open his coat. He's completely naked under his jacket. The three old ladies haven't seen such a thing in a very long time, and their blood pressure shoots up quickly. The first old lady lets out a gasp and has a stroke. The second old lady sees this and it's too much for her \u0094 she gasps and has a stroke, too. The third old lady didn't have a stroke \u0094 she was sitting too far away and couldn't reach.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 497,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, \"Vietnam, 1969.\"\n\nThe other points his thumb behind him and says, \"Dog crap, 20 feet back.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 498,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "Man \"Haven't we met before?\" Woman \"Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.\" \nMan \"Haven't I seen you someplace before?\"\nWoman \"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.\" \nMan \"Is this seat empty?\" Woman \"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.\" \nMan \"So, wanna go back to my place ?\" Woman \"Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?\"\n\nMan \"Your place or mine?\" Woman \"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.\"\n\nMan \"I'd like to call you. What's your number?\" Woman \"It's in the phone book.\" \nMan \"But I don't know your name.\" Woman \"That's in the phone book too.\" \nMan \"So what do you do for a living?\" Woman \"I'm a female impersonator.\" \nMan \"What sign were you born under?\" Woman \"No Parking.\" \nMan \"Hey, baby, what's your sign?\" Woman \"Do not Enter\" \nMan \"How do you like your eggs in the morning?\" Woman \"Unfertilized\" \nMan \"Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason\" Woman \"Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!\" \nMan \"I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.\" Woman \"You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?\" \nMan \"I know how to please a woman.\" Woman \"Then please leave me alone.\" \nMan \"I want to give myself to you.\" Woman \"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.\" \nMan \"I can tell that you want me.\" Woman \"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave.\" \nMan \"If I could see you naked, I'd die happy \nWoman \"Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.\" \nMan \"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?\" Woman \"Sorry, I don't date outside my species..\" \nMan \"Your body is like a temple.\" Woman \"Sorry, there are no services today.\" \nMan \"I'd go through anything for you.\" Woman \"Good! Let's start with your bank account.\" \nMan \"I would go to the end of the world for you.\" Woman \"Yes, but would you stay there?\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 499,
"rating": 3.7
},
{
"body": "The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. \"All right\" says the Doc, \"drop 'em and let's have a look.\" Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims \"Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!\".The patient is a bit embarrassed and says \"Look Doc, what about the rash?\"\"Oh that's easy,\" said the Doc, \"Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask.....\"\"No,\" said the patient, \"You can't. Now, is that all Doc?\"\"Well, \" said the Doctor, \" You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!\"The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.\"What?\" she yells, \"Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!\"\"Ah\" he said, \"And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about...\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 500,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.\"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?\"\"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.\"\"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?\"\"He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died.\"\"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.\"\"He died of a broken neck.\"\"A broken neck?\"\"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 501,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours.But one day he said sadly, \"Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious.\"\"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post,\" she assured him. \"Besides, we've been meeting here for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing.\"\"True,\" agreed the dentist, \"but you're down to one tooth!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 502,
"rating": 1.75
},
{
"body": "A woman was in the kitchen cooking dinner and she was just singing,humming and giggling all over herself. Her husband asked her why she wasso happy. She said, \"I went to the doctor today and he said I have thebreasts of a twenty year old.\"The husband then asked, \"What did he say about your fifty year old ass?\"\"Your name didn't come up in our conversation.\" She replied.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 503,
"rating": 3.25
},
{
"body": "Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: \"Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.\" Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: \"Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 504,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.After the exam, she shyly began, \"My husband wants me to ask you...\" \"I know, I know,\" the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. \"I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.\" \"No, that's not it,\" Catherine confessed. \"He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 505,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife went to dinner and celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Afterwards they returned home and went to their patio to relax with a glass of wine and to reflect on their fifty years together.After a while the husband said to his wife: Honey in all the years together, was there ever a time when you were unfaithful to me?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one time early in our marriage. Remember when you had lost your job and the bank was going to foreclose on the house. I made a trip to town, saw the banker and we got the loan extended until you returned to work. The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey, you saved our home; I guess I can 't really hold it against you for being unfaithful that one time. Was there ever another time?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one other time. Remember when you had gotten sick and needed an operation or you would die, but we didn 't have any insurance. I made a trip to town, saw the doctor and you got the operation..The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey, you saved my life; I guess I can 't really hold it against you for being unfaithful that time either. Was there another time?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Well there was just one other time. Remember when you were running for club president and you only needed 58 more votes ..",
"category": "Women",
"id": 506,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives.The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, \"What's wrong, Honey?\"\"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean.\" The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, \"There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast.\" So off they went to the bedroom.That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. \"What's wrong now, Sweetie?\" \"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook.\" Again the husband smiles and says, \"Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!\" So off they went to the bedroom again. That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, \"What are you doing, Honey?\" \"Warming up your supper!\" she replies.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 507,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.He went to his wife and said, \"I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.\"When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, \"Have you been fooling around on me?\"His wife confessed, \"Not this time.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 508,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence runningalong the road.The woman said,\"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago.\"The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.Back in the car, the guy says, \"Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!\"The woman says, \"thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 509,
"rating": 3.2
},
{
"body": "If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.\nIf you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.\n\nIf she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.\nIf you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.\n\nIf you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.\nIf she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.\n\nIf you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.\nIf you keep quiet, it's male indifference.\n\nIf you cry, you're a wimp.\nIf you don't, you're insensitive.\n\nIf you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.\nIf she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.\n\nIf you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.\nIf she asks you, it's a favor.\n\nIf you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.\nIf you don't, you're a slob.\n\nIf you buy her flowers, you're after something.\nIf you don't, you're not thoughtful.\n\nIf you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.\nIf you're not, you're not ambitious.\n\nIf she has a headache, she's tired.\nIf you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 510,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. \n\n\"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.\"\n\nThe first man said, \"You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.\"\n\nThe agent replies, \"Then you're not the right man for this job.\" \nThe second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. \"I tried, but I can't kill my wife.\" \nThe agent replies, \"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.\" \nFinally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, \"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 511,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.\"What's bothering you, dear?\" asked Farther O'Grady.\"Oh, father, I've got terrible news.\" Replied Mary. \"My husband passed away last night.\"\"Oh, Mary!\" said the good father. \"That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?\"\"Yes...,\" Mary replied sheepishly.\"Well?\"\"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun.'\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 512,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Not long after their wedding, Scott and Tracy awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with Scott, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning.\"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart,\" said Tracy, the newlywed bride, \"breakfast will be ready.\"\"Great! What are we having for breakfast?\" asked Scott.\"Toast and juice,\" replied Tracy.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 513,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.The man said \"this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?\"The pharmacist said \"Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.\"When she returned, she said, \"The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $5000 in cash.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 514,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.\n\nAs he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:\n\nBernie Schwartz had the longest member he had ever seen!\n\n\"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,\" said the mortician, \"But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge thing like this. It has to be saved for posterity.\"\n\nAnd with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.\n\nThe coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.\n\nThe first person he showed was his wife.\n\n\"I have something to show you that you won't believe,\" he said, and opened his briefcase.\n\n\"Oh my god!\" she screamed, \"Bernie Schwartz is dead!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 515,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Top Ten Things Not To Say To A Pregnant Wife:17. \"I finished the Oreo's.\" 16. \"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds.\" 15. \"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby.\" 14. \"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever.\" 13. \"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl.\" 12. \"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.\" 11. \"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.\" 10. \"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!\" 9. \"I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?\" 8. \"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?\" 7. \"Get your *own* ice cream.\" 6. \"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.\" 5. \"Got milk?\" 4. \"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.\" 3. \"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!\" 2. \"Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.\" And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant... 1. \"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 516,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.\n\nAfter his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, \"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.\" \n\"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.\"\n\nOn the way home, the husband asked his wife. \"What did the doctor say?\"\n\n\"He said you're going to die,\" she replied.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 517,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, \"Reading my book.\" The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, \"But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!\" Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, \"If you do that, I will charge you with rape.\" The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, \"But I didn't even touch you.\" To which the lady replied, \"Yeah, but you have all the equipment!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 518,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Women's Bumper-Stickers\n-----------------------\n SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.\n GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.\n IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.\n MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.\n PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,\nSEEKS FROG.\n COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN...SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.\n DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.\n IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.\n DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.\n I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.\n GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO, BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?\n NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.\n WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.\n OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.\n YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.\n ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.\n I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.\n HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?\n SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.\n IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.\n DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 519,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his wife so he decides they will try it.The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, \"I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this.\" So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her, \"Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain away.\" So she does. Now they are both feeling great.A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 520,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "\"The car won't start,\" aid a wife to her husband. \"I think there's water in the carburettor.\"\"How do you know?\" said the husband scornfully. \"You don't even know what the carburettor is.\"\"I'm telling you,\" repeated the wife, \"I'm sure there's water in the carburettor.\"\"We'll see,\" mocked the husband. \"Let me check it out. Where's the car?\"\"In the swimming pool.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 521,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, \"This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!\" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.The driver, obviously confused, says to him, \"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?\"\"Ma'am,\" the officer replies, \"You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.\"\"Slower than the speed limit?\" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!\" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that \"22\" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.\"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time.\" the officer asks.\"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 522,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off. One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless. The guy asked: \"Where did you get that?\" His wife replied: \"I won it at bingo.\" The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked: \"Where did you get that?\" His wife replied: \"I won it at bingo.\" The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked: \"Where did you get that?\" His wife replied: \"I won it at bingo. Please go upstairs and run my bath for me.\" His wife came upstairs to find a very small amount of water in the tub. The wife asked: \"How come you put so little water in the tub?\" The guy replied: \"I didn't want you to wet your bingo card\".",
"category": "Women",
"id": 523,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.\"What would you like to do next?\" he asked. \"I wanna be weighed,\" she said.So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.\"One-twelve,\" said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.\"I wanna be weighed,\" she said.He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, \"What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?\"\"Wousy,\" said the girl.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 524,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.\"You aren't so good in bed either!\" he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.\"What took you so long to answer?\"\"I was in bed.\"\"What were you doing in bed this late?\"\"Getting a second opinion.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 525,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the woman's appearance. \"Honey, you're just a young thing,\" she remarked, \"but you look like hell. What's up?\"\"I've been double-crossed,\" the miserable bride moaned. \"When he said he'd been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 526,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does whenMary Clancey came up to him in tears.\"What's bothering you so, dear?\" inquired Farther O'Grady.\"Oh, father, I've got terrible news.\" Replied Mary.\"Well what is it, Mary?\"\"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.\"\"Oh, Mary\" said the father, \"that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?\"\"Well, yes he did father,\" replied Mary.\"What did he ask, Mary?\"Mary replied, \"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 527,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "10. You grind your own coffee beans - with your teeth.\n\n9. You sleep with your eyes open.\n\n8. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.\n\n7. You've worn out your third pair of running shoes this week.\n\n6. Your coffee mug has a picture of a coffee mug.\n\n5. You can type sixty words per minute with your toes.\n\n4. You can jump-start your car without cables.\n\n3. You don't sweat, you percolate.\n\n2. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee and an I.V.\nhookup.\n\n1. You channel-surf faster without a remote.",
"category": "Food Jokes",
"id": 528,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A woman and a man got into a really bad car accident. Both cars are totaled, but luckily no one was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said,\"Wow, just look at our cars! They are destroyed. Fortunately, we aren't hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.\" The man replied, \"I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! \" The woman continued, \"And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely ruined but this bottle of wine didn't break. It's a sign that God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.\" Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man agreed, opened the bottle and drank half, and then handed it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and handed it back to the man. The man asked, \"Aren't you having any?\" The woman replied, \"No. I think I'll just wait for the police",
"category": "Women",
"id": 529,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. \n\nIncredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. \n\nThey were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. \n\nThe first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her\n panties, use them, then throw them away. \n\nHer friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was \nlucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. \n\nAfter finishing, they then made off for home. \n\nThe next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, \"These girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.\" \n\n\"That's nothing, said the other husband, \"Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her\nbutt that said, \"From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 530,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky \"So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?\" Becky replies, \"Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question...\" \"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...\" \"Well, all right, 3 times...\" \"3, hmmm, well when were they?\" \"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan... Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well...\" \"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?\" \"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you... Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well....\" \"Oh my God!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, , you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?\" \"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation.... And you were 47 votes short....\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 531,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second black hearse just 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her 200 women walking single file. The woman's curiosity got the best of her. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, \"I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?\" The woman replied, \"Well, the first hearse is for my husband.\" \"What happened to him?\" The woman replied, \"My dog attacked and killed him.\" The woman was even more inquisitive, \"Well, who's in the second hearse?\" \"My-mother-in law. She tried to help my husband when the dog turned on her and killed her too.\" A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. \"Could I borrow that dog?\" \"Get in line.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 532,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he joins them in the hotel. Since he's been away from his wife for a week, he wants to make love with her.\n\n\"No darling, we can't do it here\" she says, \"our kid is watching us.\"\n\n\"You're right\" he says, \"let's go to the beach.\"\n\nAfter a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman appears.\n\n\"Put your clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!\"\n\n\"You're right\", said the husband, \"but it was a moment of weakness. We didn't see each other for a week. By the way, I'm a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you were to fine me.\"\n\n\"Don't worry, you're a colleague and it's your first time. But this is the third time I caught her making love on this beach in the last week and she'll have to pay for it!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 533,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There was a man and his wife walking down the road on their way home.The wife saw a baby skunk laying in the grass, so she decided to take it home and take care of it. On the way home they came up to a river. The wife, concered for the skunk, asked her husband what to do with the skunk so he doesn't get wet. The husband replied: \"well, stick him up your dress\". The wife, again concered, asked: \"what about the smell?\".The husband replied: \"awww, he'll get use to it.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 534,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler. Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. \"All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule: DON\"T STEP ON THE DUCKS.\"confused, they all ask \"um...what?\"St. Peter says \"if you step on one duck, it quacks. if a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and...well...you'll see.\"With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.a day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. it's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a ver ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping. Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.she gets the same punishment as the first lady.The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her. Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully \"What did I do to deserve this?\"And the man replies with a grimace, \"I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 535,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. \"Excuse me, miss,\" said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. \"The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.\" \"What difference does it make?\" Joan asked rather calmly. \"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.\" \"Not exactly,\" said the embarrassed man. \"You're lying on the dining room skylight.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 536,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, \"How was the honeymoon?\"\"Oh, mama,\" she replied, \"the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...\" Suddenly she burst out crying. \"But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before!I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!\"\"Sarah, Sarah,\" her mother said, \"calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?\"\"Please don't make me tell you, mama,\" wept the daughter, \"I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!\" \"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!\"Still sobbing, the bride said, \"Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 537,
"rating": 2.43
},
{
"body": "A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, \"If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?\" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. \"Go get help.\", he pleads. She replies, \"I can't, I'm naked.\" He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says \"Cover your snatch with that and go get help.\" She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, \"HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!\" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, \"I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 538,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "If you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.\n\nWith Enron, you would have $16 of the original $1,000.\n\nWith WorldCom, you would have less than $5 left.\n\nIf you had bought $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the deposit, you would have $214.\n\nClearly, the best investment is to drink heavily and recycle.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 539,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and\nnotices a note on the table.\n\n\"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.\"\n\nSo he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating Marty asks, \"Son, what happened last night?\" \n\nHis son says, \"Well, you came home after\n3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you\nstumbled into the door.\"\n\nConfused, Marty asks, \"So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?\"\n\nHis son replies, \"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you aid, \"Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!\".",
"category": "Women",
"id": 540,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball,\n\nSuddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over\n his head and passes the three women.\n\nHe passes the first woman, who looks down at his crotch. \"He's not my\n husband,\" she says.\n\nHe passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his crotch.\n\n\"He's not my husband either.\" She says, also not recognizing the unit.\n\nHe passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.\n\n\"Wait a minute,\" she says. \"He's not even a member of this club.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 541,
"rating": 2.64
},
{
"body": "A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. \"Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!\" she exclaimed suddenly.When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. \"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.\"Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.\"You're going to kill him!\" they exclaimed.Two months later, her husband died.The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, \"You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?\"The wife stoically replied, \"I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 542,
"rating": 2.2
},
{
"body": "A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands \"Stop That!\" The waiter looks at her dryly and says \"Sure lady, which way was it headed?\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 543,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. \"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,\" said the first one.\"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,\" said the other.And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.\"Bring me my biggest sword,\" said Solomon, \"and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.\"\"Sounds good to me,\" said the first woman.But the other woman said, \"Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.\"The wise King did not hesitate a moment. \"The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter,\" he proclaimed.\"But she was willing to hew him in two!\" exclaimed the King's court.\"Indeed,\" said wise King Solomon. \"That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 544,
"rating": 2.75
},
{
"body": "A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, \"Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce.\" The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph. He then says, \"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are.\" Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. \"I want the house,\" he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph. He says, \"I want the car, too,\" but she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph. \"All right,\" he says, \"I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too.\" The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, \"Isn't there anything you want?\" The wife says, \"No, I've got everything I need.\" \"Oh, really,\" he says, \"so what have you got?\" Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, \" The airbag.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 545,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild \"Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-\" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final \"Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!\" and rode off. \"Why was that Indian so excited?\" asked the service station attendant. \"I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off,\" the woman answered. \"Lady,\" the attendant said, \"Indians don't use saddles.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 546,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A woman and her lover are in bed together when the husband comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.\"Don't move! You're a statue!\"The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, \"Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 547,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. \nFor the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. \"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. \"Kill her!!!\".\n\nThe man said, \"You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.\" The agent said, \"Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.\" \n\nThe second man was given the e same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. \"I tried, but I can't kill my wife.\" The agent said, \"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.\" \n\nFinally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. \nShe took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. \n\nAfter a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. \n\"This gun is loaded with blanks,\" she said. \"I had to beat him to death with the chair.\" \n\nMoral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 548,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, \"What is wrong with you?\"Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.He said, \"This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.\"Adam asked God, \"What will a woman like this cost?\"God replied, \"An arm and a leg.\"Then Adam asked, \"What can I get for a rib?\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 549,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he has ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. \"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!\" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, \"Have you been fooling around on me?\"The wife just smiled sweetly and said, \"Not this time.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 550,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it. God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and asks, \"I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?\" To which God replies, \"To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 551,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, \"What are you doing?\"She replies, \"I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old.\"The husband retorts, \"Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?\"She replied, \"Frankly dear, your name never came up.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 552,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed, \u201cHoney, don\u2019t do it...\u201d The blonde yelled back, \u201cShut up! You\u2019re next!\u201d",
"category": "Women",
"id": 553,
"rating": 4.75
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife were having an argument. Suddenly the husband picked up a bottle lying near him and threw it at his wife. The bottle missed the wife and got into the neighbours' house breaking the window glass.\nNow both the husband and wife got embarassed and went to apologise to the neighbour. Upon reaching the house, they found out a young man sitting on a couch with a smile on his face. Before the couple could say anything, the man said, \"I am a genie. I was enclosed in that bottle for many years, but you two have set me free, so ask for any three boons you want to and it shall be fulfilled. But against your three boons you will have to fulfill one wish of mine\". The couple were so happy that they didn't think twice and presented their wishes.\"I want millions of dollars in my account\", The husband said. \"Done\", said the genie.\"I want diamond jewelleries in all my vaults\". \"Done\", said the genie.\"I want bunglows all over the world\", said the husband.\"Done\", said the geniee.Now it was the time of the genies wish. \"So\" the genie said, \"I have fulfilled all the three wishes you have said, and its time for my wish. I have not slept with a women for long. I wish to have sex with your wife. The couple got worried, but the husband explained that it was only a genie and it didn't matter much to him. Besides the genie has given them a lot of things. So the wife consented. The geniee and the wife had a lovely night together. Finally in the morning the genie said, \"it was wonderful but how old is your husband?\"\"Why, he is just thirty five\"\"My god \", said the geniee, \"even at thirty five he still believes in geniees\".",
"category": "Women",
"id": 554,
"rating": 4.75
},
{
"body": "A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, \"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.\" To which the wife responds, \"He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 555,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. Theturbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing isstruck by lightning.One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the frontof the plane. \"I'm too young to die!\" she wails.Then she yells, \"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes onearth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like awoman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make mefeel like a WOMAN??\"For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of theplane.Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. \"I can make you feellike a woman,\" he says.He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes,he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one buttonat a time.No one moves.The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange manapproaches.He removes his shirt.Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the armholding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: \"Iron this.\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 556,
"rating": 4.6
},
{
"body": "A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.Man: \"What are you doing here today?\"Woman: \"Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it.\"Man: \"Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.\"The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.Man: \"Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?\"Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] \"Unh unh.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 557,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.\"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you.\"So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, \"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest.\"\"Don't worry, Sophie\", says the mother, \"All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.\" So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. \"Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!\"\"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you.\"So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. \"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!\" \"Stay here and stir the pasta\", says the mother. \"This is a job for Mama!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 558,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. \n\nAfter his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, \"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. \n\n\"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. \n\n\"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. \n\n\"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.\" \n\nOn the way home, the husband asked his wife, \"What did the doctor say?\" \n\n\"He said you're going to die,\" she replied.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 559,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put \"Happy Thanksgiving\" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with \"Merry Christmas\" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, \"If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?\" She said, \"I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 560,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.\"This young man agreed to marry my daughter,\" said one.\"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,\" said the other.And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.\"Bring me my biggest sword,\" said Solomon, \"and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.\"\"Sounds good to me,\" said the first lady.But the other woman said, \"Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.\"The wise king did not hesitate a moment. \"The man must marry the first woman's daughter,\" he proclaimed.\"But she was willing to hew him in two!\" exclaimed the king's court.\"Indeed,\" said wise King Solomon. \"That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 561,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.A classified ad which read \"Wife Wanted\" received hundreds of responses, all from men saying \"You can have mine.\"A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he's not.A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.A husband said to his wife, \"No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.\"A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.A son asked his father, \"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?\" Father replied, \"I don't know son. I'm still paying for it.\"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.A woman was telling her friend, \"It is I who made my husband a millionaire.\" The friend asked, \"And what was he before you married him?\" The woman replied, \"A multi-millionaire.\"After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, \"You know, I was a fool when I married you.\" The husband replied, \"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.\"Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting.I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me.I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... and then it was too late.I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.I was engaged myself once, to a contortionist. But she broke it off.I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep.If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?In marriage, the bride gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!It doesn't matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.Man is incomplete until he is married. After that he is finished.Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules the rooster.Marriage is a great institution; but who wants to live in an institution?Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.Marriage is an institution in which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman gets her Master's.Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo....Marriage is grand... and divorce is about 10 grand.Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her sleep.Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong.The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weaklyThey say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? To get to the other bride.Wife says, \"Honey, I've had enough of worse; let's try better for a while!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 562,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.\n\nTom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. \"Boss,\" he said, \"The pill actually worked!\"\n\n\"That's all fine\" said the boss. \"But where were you yesterday?\"",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 563,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A woman is driving her car when she is pulled over by a a cop.He says to her: \"Ma'am, may i see your licence please? you were speeding\". The woman answers: \"Oh no, officer, I don't have a licence, they took it after the 4th time i was caught driving drunk.\".The officer replies: \"That is serious. Give me the car's registration forms, please\". The woman answers: \"Oh, this is not my car. I stole it from my boss after i killed him. His body is in the trunk, by the way\".The cop is amazed and immidietly calls for backup while slowly moving away from the car, his hand on his gun.When backup comes, the chief of the police approaches the woman with his gun pointed at her and orders her to get out of the vehicle. The woman walks out, as ordered. Then the cheif says: \"Ma'am, the officer said you reported a dead body in your trunk. please open it\".The woman acts amazed and when she opens the trunk, there is nothing there.The surprised cheif says: \"Can i also see your driving-licence?\".The woman opens her wallet and hands her licence to him.The chief says: \"Well, i'm soory ma'am, i don't know what to say. The officer over there told me you had a dead body in your trunk and that you didn't have a licence\".The woman smiles and says: \"bet you that bastard also told you i was speeding, didn't he?\"...",
"category": "Women",
"id": 564,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A husband is driving his car, with his wife sitting next to him. \n\nSuddenly, the police siren is heard, and he is requested to stop. \n\nThe policman comes to him and says: \n\"sir, do you know that you have been speeding for the last 5 minutes?\".\n\nThe husband replies, imploringly: \n\"Oh no, i really didn'y notice, officer. I am so sorry, i promise not to do that again\", but then he is interrupted by his wife, who says:\n\"That's not true, he knew he was speeding and had no intention to slow-down\". \n\nThe policman continues: \"also, may i ask why you don't have your sit-belt on, sir?\". \n\nThe man replies nerveslly: \"You see, i released it when i heard the siren cause i wanted to approach you and..\" but again he is interrupted by his wife, who says: \"that's rubbish, he wasn't wearing it since we left home\". \n\nThen, the husband loses it and yells to his wife: \"would you shut-up, you stupid cow?!\".\n\nThe policman, shocked, asks: \n\"Mam, are you going to let him speak to you like that?\".\nTo that the woman replies: \n\"Oh, don't wory officer. He is always like that when he's drunk\"...",
"category": "Women",
"id": 565,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, \"You must be a dentist.\" The guy, surprised, says \"Yes....how did you figure that out?\" \"Easy,\" she replied, \"you keep washing your hands.\" One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, \"You must be a really good dentist.\" The guy, now with a boosted ego says, \"Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?\" \"Didn't feel a thing!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 566,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "How to use an ATM machineMALE PROCEDURE1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Wind down your car window 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt 6. Wind up window 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine 2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine 3. Re-start stalled engine4. Wind down the window5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card 6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror7. Attempt to insert card into machine 8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car 9. Insert card10. Re-insert card the right way up11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page 12. Enter PIN13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN14. Enter amount of cash required15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror 16. Retrieve cash and receipt 17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and put cash inside18. Place receipt in back of cheque book 19. Re-check make-up again20. Drive forward two metres 21. Reverse back to cash machine22. Retrieve card 23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided24. Re-check make-up25. Re-start stalled engine and move off26. Drive for 3 - 4 miles27. Release hand brake",
"category": "Women",
"id": 567,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, \"Mother of Six,\" in spite of her objections.One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, \"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?\"His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, \"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 568,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center. Man: \"What are you doing here today?\" Woman: \"Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.\" Man: \"Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.\" The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line. Man: \"Hi there! Here to donate blood again?\" Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) \"Unh unh.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 569,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A woman gets home, schreeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, \"Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!\" The husband says, \"Ohmigod! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?\" The wife yells back, \"I couldn't care less... just get the hell out!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 570,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "An Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor. Medic: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed. Sharon: Ok Medic: Ok the how many fingers am I putting up Sharon: Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!",
"category": "Women",
"id": 571,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A local bank is very pleased to announce that they are installingnew Drive-thru ATMs where their customers will be able withdraw cash withoutleaving their vehicle. Male and Female procedures have beentailored to best reflect the behaviours of those particular groupings.PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive up to the ATM2. Open the car window3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN4. Enter amount of cash required and press \"enter\"5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt6. Close window7. Drive awayPROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive up to the ATM2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM3. Re-start stalled engine4. Open the car window5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card6. Turn radio down & end call on cell phone7. Attempt to insert card into ATM8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance from car to ATM9. Insert card10. Re-insert card the right way up11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under \"Date of Birth\"13. Enter PIN14. Press \"cancel\" and re-enter PIN15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rear view mirror16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel, look at ATM for one minute andthen press \"enter\"17. Retrieve cash and receipt18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside19. Place receipt in back of cheque book20. Re-check make-up21. Drive forward two metres22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind23. Retrieve card24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holderand place card in an empty slot25. Drive two or three kilometres Release hand brake",
"category": "Women",
"id": 572,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A man was just recovering in hospital after being unconscious for a week. His wife was sitting by his side when he woke up.Man: Honey, you've been by my side when I was in that car crash, you were there when I lost my job, you were present when my parents died, and you were by my side when someone stole all my money from my account.....and you know what?Wife: What?Man: I think you're bad luck.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 573,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. \"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?\" she asked. \"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?\" he asked. \"Yes I do.\" she replied. \"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?\" \"Yes I remember.\" \"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?\" \"Yes I do\", she replied. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, \" You know I would have gotten out today.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 574,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, \"Well, how was it?\" The woman says, \"You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 575,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiplebruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. \"Well,\" the man says, \"it's like this; I was playing a quiet round ofgolf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ballsinto a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I wasrooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on itsrear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, therewas a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middleof the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake.\" \"What did you do?\" the doctor asks. \"Well.\" the man replies, \"I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 576,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Politically Correct Woman:She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT",
"category": "Women",
"id": 577,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A beautiful blonde woman is having trouble growing tomatoes...\nseems she can't get them to turn red. \n\nShe knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door \nhas a garden full of big red tomatoes.\n\nShe asks him about his secret...\"twice a day\" he says \"I stand \nnaked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red.\"\n\nThis sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next \nfew days standing nude in her garden. \n\nA week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks... \n\"have your tomatoes turned red?\" \n\n\"Not really\" she says...\"but the strangest thing has happened...\nthe cucumbers have swollen up and are standing on end.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 578,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, \"Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive.\" \nThe doctor smiled and said, \"Have you tried to give him Viagra?\" \n\nThe lady frowned. \"Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,\" she claimed. \n\n\"Well,\" the doctor continued, \"let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing.\" \n\nThe old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. \n\nWeeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. \n\n\"How did it go?\" the doctor asked. \n\n\"Terribly, doctor, terribly.\" \n\n\"Did it not work?\" \n\n\"Yes,\" the old lady said, \"It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years.\" \n\n\"Then what is the problem, ma'am?\" \n\n\"Well,\" she said. \"I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 579,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.\n\n\"Out there is your enemy,\" said the captain. \"The man who has made your life miserable all these weeks, who has been working to destroy you since you came here; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war.\"\n\nPrivate Johnson jumped to his feet. \"Oh no,\" he cried. \"The cook's working for the Germans!\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 580,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.\n\nSurprised, the pharmacist asks, \"Madam, what do you want with arsenic?\"\n\nThe woman replies that she wants to kill her husband.\n\nHorrified, the pharmacist says, \"Madam, I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!\"\n\nThe woman reaches into her handbag, takes out a photograph and lays it down on the counter. The photo shows a man and a woman in a sexually compromising position. The man is her husband. The pharmacist recognises his wife as the woman in the photograph.\n\nThe pharmacist picks up the photo and nods, \"Ah, madam, I didn't realise you had a prescription.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 581,
"rating": 1.67
},
{
"body": "The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. \"I assume,\" she snarled, \"that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning, with beer on your breath, and lipstick on your collar?\" \"There is,\" he replied. \"I'd like some breakfast.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 582,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. \n\nThey are both quite startled. \n\nThe man turns to her and says, \"Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.\" \n\nShe replies, \"if your member is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 583,
"rating": 4.46
},
{
"body": "Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 584,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is Andre a salesman. \"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?\" Very uncomfortably she asks, \"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?\" He answers, \"Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to wet yourself when you hear the price.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 585,
"rating": 4.2
},
{
"body": "A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling likeexpensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, \"Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!\" Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, \"Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!\" About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, turns, bends over, and farts. \"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 586,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancykit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, \"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!\" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later abrand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man,with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit stepsout of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with thefather, the mother and the girl, and tells them: \"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage...\" At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: \"You'll screw her again!!!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 587,
"rating": 3.8
},
{
"body": "A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one.Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, \"So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.\" The man replied, \"I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! \"The woman continued, \"And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.\" Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement,opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, \"Aren't you having any?\" The woman replies, \"No. I think I'll just wait for the police\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 588,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "A teacher was trying to get one of her students to understand a math problem by asking him this: If there are 3 birds on a powerline and a man shot one of them, how many birds are left. \nHe answered none, because the gunshot scared the other birds away, she answered back,\"I like the way you think.\" Then the student asked the teacher if there are three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream, one is licking the ice cream, one is biting the ice cream, and the other is sucking the ice cream, which of the three are married? The teacher turned bight red and said,\"The one that is sucking the ice cream.\" He answered,\"No, the one with the wedding ring, BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 589,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.\n\nHis first friend says: \"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.\"\n\nHis second friend says: \"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.\"\n\nPaddy says: \"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.\" Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.\n\n\"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 590,
"rating": 3.44
},
{
"body": "A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals.My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, \"oh really, what kind of animals did you want?' The little old lady said \"A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in my bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it",
"category": "Women",
"id": 591,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, \"I need \nto see the upturn, please.\"\n\n\"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?\" asked the nurse on duty.\n\n\"Yes,\" said the girl. \"I want to have a 'contamination.'\"\n\n\"Don't you mean 'examination,'\" the nurse questioned her again.\n\n\"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway.\"\n\n\"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward.\"\n\nTo which the girl replied: \"Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, \nmaternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two \nmonths, and I think I'm stagnant.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 592,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance') 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.) 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)",
"category": "Women",
"id": 593,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "1.I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.\n2.Warning : I have an attitude and I know how to use it. \n3.Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. \n4.Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? \n5.I'm a multi-tasker : I can talk and tick you off at the same time. \n6.Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. \n7.You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. \n8.Don't tick me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. \n9.Guys have feelings too. But, like . . . who cares? \n10.I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. \n11.Next mood swing : 6 minutes and counting. \n12.I hate everybody, and you're next. \n13.Please don't make me kill you. \n14.And your point is . . . \n15.I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. \n16.All stressed out and no one to choke. \n17.I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. \n18.How can I miss you if you won't go away? \n19.They aren't hot flashes, they're power surges! \n20.Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first time.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 594,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "One day while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to God. \"Father this place is great, but there is one thing missing\". \"What is that my son\", God answered.\"Well it would be nice to have a mate, I'm awfully lonely down here and all the other animal have mates but me. All I'm asking for is a creature more beautiful than the Garden, one who has a sex drive like mine, never has a headache and one who will cook, clean and be at my beckon call morning, noon and night.\" said Adam.\"Wow that's a tall order, but I have just such a creature in mind, but it's going to cost you\". said God.\"Oh yeah, how much?\" said Adam\"An arm and a leg.\" replied God.Adam thought this over for quite some time and then asked \"Well, what can I get for a rib?\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 595,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they werespending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,\"Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?\" \"I had tolio as a child,\" he answered.\"You mean polio?\" she asked. \"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.\" The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continuedundressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once againwrinkled up her nose. \"What's wrong with your knees?\" she asked. \"They're all lumpy and deformed!\" \"As a child, I also had kneasles,\" he explained.\"You mean measles?\" she asked.\"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.\" The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressingcontinued, her husband at last removed his underwear.\"Don't tell me,\" she said. \"Let me guess... Smallcox?\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 596,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she got in her divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up on the shore. Ten-fold she rubs the lamp and out pops a magical genie. The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on a pile on one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private bach. In an instant it was granted, but then genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the women informs the genie that she wants to make her last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. \u201cNo problem,\u201d said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. \u201cFor my last wish, I\u2019d like to give birth to twins.\u201d",
"category": "Women",
"id": 597,
"rating": 4.6
},
{
"body": "A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband\u2019s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they\u2019re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it\u2019s the woman\u2019s house, she picks up the receiver.Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. \u201cHello? Oh, hi. I\u2019m so glad that you called. Really? That\u2019s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye.\u201d She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, \u201cWho was that?\u201d \u201cOh\u201d she replies, \u201cThat was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he\u2019s having on his fishing trip with YOU!\u201d",
"category": "Women",
"id": 598,
"rating": 1.67
},
{
"body": "A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.\n\nAccompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note :\n\n\"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.\n\nWhen you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love\"\n\n\"PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 599,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Whats the difference between a womans paycheck and her periods?Well...:They come once a month,They get her stressed,And if one don't come...SHES IN TROUBLE.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 600,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "A woman went to her plastic surgeon to discuss her frown lines. The surgeon brought out a dial.\"If you see any wrinkles, just twist this dial and it will stretch your skin.\"The woman tried the dial and it was working great! But after three years with the dial, she had to see the surgeon again.\"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong; I keep twisting the dial but I just can't get these bags out from under my eyes.\"The Doctor said \", I'm sorry but, those aren't bags under your eyes, those are your breasts.\"\"Oh,\" she said. \"That would explain the goatee.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 601,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "One day a little boy went up to his father to get some help on his vocabulary homework. He had a hard time figuring out what theoritically and realistically meant. He went to his father and asked, \"dad, what does theoritically and realistically mean?\" His father said, \"well son, if you want to know, then this is how you'll find out...go up to your mom and ask her if she would sleep with a complete stranger for $500,000.\" The boy looked puzzled and said, \"but what does this have to do with it?\" \"don't worry about it, just go do it.\" his fahter said. So the boy ran upstairs and came running back down 2 minutes later saying \"Dad, Mom said she would do it.\" His Father said, \"good, now go ask your sister the same question you asked your mother now.\" The boy became confused again. but...but, \"Trust me son, just go ask her and come back.\" So the boy ran into his sisters bedroom and came back out to his father in a matter of a few seconds. \"Dad, sissy said she would do too, but what does this have to do with what theoritically and realistically mean?\" His dad replied, \"well son, theoritically I have 1,000,000 dollars and realistically we have two whores living in the house.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 602,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. \"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.\"\n\n\"What's the problem?\" the docotor inquired.\n\n\"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.\"\n\n\"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.\"\n\nThe man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.\n\n\"Did my advice not work?\" asked the doctor.\n\n\"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.\"\n\n\"So, what's your problem?\"\n\n\"I don't have a problem,\" the man replied. \"My wife does.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 603,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, hesuddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookieswafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, andlifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowlymade his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effortforced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with bothhands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame,gazing into the kitchen.Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himselfalready in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on thekitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolatechip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroiclove from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this worlda happy man?Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward thetable, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parchedlips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in hismouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged andwithered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge ofthe table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by hiswife.\"Stay out of those,\" she said, \"they're for the funeral.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 604,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "One Saturday evening the door bell rang. Bubba answered thedoor, where he was greeted by a young man with bad case of acne.The boy smiled, and said, \"Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here to pickup Flo. We're going to see a show. Can she go?\"Bubba shook his head, and told his daughter to have a nice time.A short time later there was a knock at the door. Upon openingthe door Bubba was greeted by another pimple faced boy who smiledand said, \"Hi, my name is Eddie. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?\"Bubba shook his head, and kissed his daughter good night.No sooner had Bubba sat down that the bell rang again. Bubbaopened the door to be greeted by a boy with clear skin who said,\"Hi, My name is Chuck.\" With that, Bubba shot him.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 605,
"rating": 1.33
},
{
"body": "A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she enclosesa note to the Chinaman that says,\"Use more soap on panties.\"This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to thelaundry.Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said,\"Use more paper on ass.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 606,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A man went into a restaurant and ordered soup. When the waiter brought\nout the bowl he had his thumb stuck in the soup, but the customer\ndecided to let it go.\n\nLater, the waiter stopped by the table and asked, \"Would you like\nanything else? We have some very good beef stew today.\" As the soup\nhadn't been very filling, the customer replied, \"Sounds good.\"\n\nThe waiter went off and returned with a plate of stew. The customer saw\nthat the waiter's thumb was again in the stew. The customer was getting\nangry now, but he was still quite hungry and decided to hold his\ntongue.\n\n\"How about some apple pie?\" asked the waiter when the stew was gone.\n\n\"Fine,\" said the customer. The waiter returned with his thumb stuck in\nthe pie. After all of this, the customer was really furious, but the\npie smelled so good that he couldn't resist.\n\n\"Coffee?\" asked the waiter, and when the customer nodded yes he hurries\noff. He returned with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. The customer\ncould no longer contain himself.\n\n\"What do you think you're doing? Every time you've come to the table\nyou've had your thumb stuck in my food!\"\n\n\"I've got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot,\nmoist place.\"\n\n\"Why don't you just stick it up your butt?\"\n\n\"Where do you think I put it when I'm in the kitchen?\"",
"category": "Food Jokes",
"id": 607,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "One day, this lady is golfing, and she hits her ball in the woods. she goes to look for it, and intead finds a frog in a trap.\nHey, it says. Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes.\nOk, she says. So she frees it, and it says,\nSorry, forgot to tell you. whatever you get, your husband gets ten times the amount of whatever it is you wish for.\nOk, fine.\nSo, the frog asks, what's your first wish?\nI want to be the most beautiful women in the world.\nFine, it says. Suddenly, she's gorgeous.\nYou are the most beatiful woman. But now your husband is ten times more handsom than you.\nThats ok, she say. He only has eyes for me.\nWhats your second wish? it asks her.\nI want to be the richest woman in the world. The frog then says, ok, but now your husband is ten times richer.\nThats ok she says. Whats his is mine, whats mine is his.\nOK, the frog says. that is your last wish. what is it gonna be?\nI want a mild heart attack.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 608,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "OK, so there are 3 guys, and they are walking down the beach, when they find an old barnacle-encrusted bottle laying on the shore. One of the guys, says\"Hey look. Its a bottle hehe\", and he picks it up and throws it. It cracks against a nearby palm tree, and a blinding flash of white light engulfs them. A deep voice says\"I am a Genie. I have been trapped in that bottle for over a millenium. You have freed me and it is all I can do to give you each 1 wish. Of anything you desire.\"So the first guy is pretty bewlidered, but he thinks (something he has not done in quite a while)and says...\"uhhh... I wanna be 2 times smarter yup...\"so the genie grants his wish and he becomes two times smarter, and begins to recite the multiplication tables. The genie turns to the other guy, who was slightly smarter than the first one, and asks him what he wants. The man replies,\"Well, I don't want to be stupider than HE is, so let me be 10 times smarter.\"The genie grants his wish and he suddenly is able to recite any word out of the dictionary, and can practically do anything!The genie turns to the last guy and asks HIM what his wish is. The guy thinks hard for a moment, and the perfect wish comes to him.He says proudly, \"I want to be 100 times smarter than I am now.\"The genie looks at him uncertainly, and tries to persuade him to wish for something else. The man gets angry, and says \"MAKE ME 100 TIMES SMARTER!!!!!!\"the genie sighs, and promptly turns him into a woman.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 609,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong withher, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, \"OK, take off all you crose.\" The woman did as she was told. \"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room.\" Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, \"OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me.\" So she did. Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, \"Your probrem vewy bad - you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates.\" Terrified., the woman asked, \"Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease? Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, \"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 610,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between female at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 and 58? 08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed. 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. 58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 611,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.The receptionist says, \"I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible.\" Mr. Smith says, \"What do you mean?\" The receptionist replies, \"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife.\" Mr Smith exclaims, \"That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?\" The receptionist calmly replies, \"The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't go to bed with her.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 612,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decidedthat he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, \"WellLeroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buyyou anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray forone instead.\" After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. Hefinally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.Dear Jesus,I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.Your Friend,LeroyNow, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so heripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.Dear Jesus,I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.Your Truly,LeroyWell, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and triedagain.Dear Jesus,I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?LeroyWell, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what hismother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving ofalmost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can andwent running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of theway he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finallyfound himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and kneltdown, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally gotup and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All ofa sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid itunder his bed and wrote this letter.Jesus,I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!Sincerely,You know who",
"category": "Women",
"id": 613,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every day. One day, when he came to, he motioned her to come nearer. He whispered, eyes full of tears: \"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When our house burnt down, you were there. When my health started failing, you were by my side. You know what?\"\"What dear?\", she gently asked.\"I think you are bad luck\", he said.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 614,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.\n\nOn the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, \"As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.\"\n\nThis phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.\n\nBoth chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.\n\nThe African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.\n\nWhen the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, \"Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette\". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.\n\nThe African ambassador said, \"These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick\".\n\nThe Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, \"Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?\"\n\nWith a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:\n\n\"One of them's a cannibal.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 615,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "There is a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with two monkeys and a womanon board. The control centre is the US calls: \"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen.\" He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen. A few moments later the control centre calls again: \"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen.\" He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation. A little later on, headquarters calls again:\"Woman, please woman approach the screen.\" She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says... \"I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 616,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.\n\nThe first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but \"Maxwell House\". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, \"good, till the last drop\".\n\nMom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: \"Benson & Hedges\". Mon now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: \"Extra Long. King Size\". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.\n\nThe third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: \"British Airways\". Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: \"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways\".\n\nMom fainted.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 617,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q:What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?A:A quater-pounder with cheese.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 618,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "What do you call a lesbian asian? minjeeta",
"category": "Women",
"id": 619,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, \"I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.\" I said, \"Well, then why are you crying?\" She said, \"He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon\". I said, \"Well, why are you crying?\" She said, \"For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, \"Well, why in the world would you be crying?\" She said, \"I can't remember where I live!\".",
"category": "Women",
"id": 620,
"rating": 1.33
},
{
"body": "10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote. 8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him. 7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As \"Keeper of the Garden,\" Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, \"It is not good for man to be alone!\" And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve... 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, \"Ok, I can do better than THAT!\".",
"category": "Women",
"id": 621,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What is in between an 80-year-old woman's breastA: Her belly-button",
"category": "Women",
"id": 622,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q. What smells fishy and ends with untA. Rex Hunt",
"category": "Women",
"id": 623,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home! The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.\nHe headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.\n\nShe looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, \"What happened here today?\"\n\nShe again smiled and answered, \"You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?\"\n\n\"Yes,\" was his reply.\n\nShe answered, \"Well, today I didn't do it!\".",
"category": "Women",
"id": 624,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.\n\n\"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others\", he is told by the doorman.\n\nEinstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.\n\n\"See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!\"\n\n\"Why that's wonderful!\" Says Albert. \"We can discuss mathematics!\"\n\n\"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!\"\n\n\"Why that's wonderful!\" Says Albert. \"We can discuss physics!\"\n\n\"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!\"\n\n\"That's Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!\" Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. \"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80.\"\n\nAlbert smiles back at him and says, \"So, where do you think interest rates are headed?\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 625,
"rating": 2.38
},
{
"body": "A guy went on a date with a girl and it went so well that they ended up back at HER place.They went up stairs and they started having sex,after giving it to her 5 times the guy's bellend was red raw so when she was sleeping he went downstairs to find some vaseline but couldn't find any.Then he saw a glass of milk sitting on the table so he dunked his bellend and the rest of his bollocks in the glass,the girl came downstairs behind him, saw him dunk his balls in the milk and said \" oh, so that's how you refill it \"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 626,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "A 55-year old woman is in a coma in the hospital. She isn't doing well at all. Her family is standing by her, waiting for her to pass away. The woman is now seconds from passing away when she sees a light; and a big tunnel. She floates way up high to the other end of the tunnel where she sees God.\n\n\"I can't believe I'm dead\", the woman sadly says.\n\n\"What?!\", says God,\"You\"re not dead, you won't die untill your 85.\"\n\nThe woman then floats back down the tunnel. She awakens from her coma with joy and happiness from the family. She thinks, \"Well, if I don't die for another 15 years, and I'm in the hospital right now, I can probably do some stuff that I have always wanted to do.\"\n\nSo, the woman gets her hair colored. She lets it grow long; all the way to the ground. She increases her breast sizes. She also had plastic surgery to get all those horrible wrinkles off her face.\n\nA few days later, the woman is ready to leave the hospital. She leaves the entrance, and as she is walking down the street, a car runs over her and kills her. The 55-year old woman floats once again up the tunnel to God.\n\nWhen she sees Him, she angrily yells, \"You told me a had another 15 years to live!\"\n\nGod then replies, \"I didn't recognize you!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 627,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. \n\"Well, it was like this\", said the man. \"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.\" \n\n\"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball.......... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake...\" \n\n\"What did you do?\", asks the doctor. \n\n\"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!\".",
"category": "Women",
"id": 628,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.\n\n\"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,\" he insisted. \n\n\"And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,\" he said. \"Any comments?\" \n\nHis new bride replied, \"No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not.\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 629,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.\n\n\"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,\" Joe began.\n\n\"You mean the parking lot,\" interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.\n\n\"I walked up the trail to the gate,\" Joe continued.\n\n\"The sidewalk to the door,\" Charlie corrected him.\n\n\"Inside the door, I was met by this dude,\" Joe went on.\n\n\"That would be the usher,\" Charlie explained.\n\n\"Well, the usher led me down the chute,\" Joe said.\n\n\"You mean the aisle,\" Charlie said.\n\n\"Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,\" Joe continued.\n\n\"Pew,\" Charlie retorted.\n\n\"Yeah,\" recalled joe. \"That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 630,
"rating": 3.17
},
{
"body": "what did the 1 tampon say to the next tampon?? see you next peirod",
"category": "Women",
"id": 631,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "what's hairy on the out side and wet and slimey on the inside it begins whith an c and ends in a t?? a cocanut",
"category": "Women",
"id": 632,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Similiarity between a woman and a computer!Both can accept a 3.5 inch floppy",
"category": "Women",
"id": 633,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Seventy-three year old Gus had worked in the garment center all his life, never finding the time to get married. But one day a beautiful seventeen-year-old girl walked into the store and it was love at first sight.\n\nWithin a month Gus and Rachel were married and on the way to Florida for their honeymoon.\n\n\"So how was it?\" asked Gus' friends, on the couple's return.\n\n\"Oh, just beautiful,\" replied a starry-eyed Gus. \"The sun, the surf... and we made love almost every night, we--\"\n\n\"Just a minute,\" interrupted Gus' Friend. \"At your age, forgive me for asking, you made love almost every night?\"\n\n\"Oh yes,\" said Gus, \"we almost made love Saturday, we almost made love Sunday . . .\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 634,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A police officer was making his daily round. Suddenly, a red corvet passed by him at a 100 m/h. He went after the car and stoped it. As he walked towards the car's window, he noticed that the driver was a gorgeous blond. He went to her and asked for her driver's licence and registration papers. The women kinda looked confused, but after emptying her bag, she handed the papers to the officer. He walked backed to his car and checked with another officer about the car's license plate. The other man asked him if the driver was a gorgeous blond. The first officer said yes. The second one then told him to go back to the corvet and pull down his pants. Without arguing, he went back to the girl and pulled down his pants. The girl than replied: \"Ah! Not another breathalyzer test!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 635,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "wife says my husband gave me a mood ring. when i am good it turns green when i am bad he has a red mark on his forehead.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 636,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, \"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?\" The woman replied, \"Well, that first hearse is for my husband.\" \"What happened to him?\" The woman replied, \"My dog attacked and killed him.\" She inquired further, \"Well, who is in the second hearse?\" The woman answered, \"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.\" A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. \"Can I borrow the dog?\" \"Get in line!\"",
"category": "Women",
"id": 637,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 638,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Colonel Sanders walks up to the Pope one day and says, I'll give you $5,000 if you change the words in the bible 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'\".The Pope replys, \"Sorry, I cannot change the words of the Bible\". Sanders says, \"How about $7,000?\". \"Sorry, I cannot\", The Pope replys. \"$8,000\"?, Sanders tries again. The Pope thinks about it and says, \"Well, alright\". Later he goes to the cardinals and says, \"I have good news and bad news. The good is we're $8,000 richer. The bad is that we lost our endorsement with Wonder Bread.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 639,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "The lookout aboard a clipper ship spots a pirate ship approaching, and yells down to the captain. The captain orders the bosun to bring his red shirt. The captain puts on his red shirt, and successfully leads his crew in fighting off the pirates. The next day, the lookout spots TWO pirate ships approaching. He yells to the captain, who again orders the bosun to bring his red shirt. The captain again wears the red shirt as they successfully repel the pirates. After the battle the bosun asks, \"Captain, why do you always wear the red shirt in battle?\" The captain replies, \"Because, if I am wounded, the crew will not see the blood and lose their courage.\" The next day the lookout spots SIX pirate ships approaching and yells to the captain. Anticipating the order, the bosun immediately brings the red shirt. \"To heck with that!\" says the captain. \"Bring me my brown pants!\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 640,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, three vampires met in some place in night. Apparently, each one of them was boasting about their vampiric abilities to one another.Vampire A said, \"Look at that mansion over there! I can finish all of its inhabitants within 10 minutes!\" And so he flew to the mansion, and 9 minutes later, he came back with his mouth filled with blood, looking satisfied with himself.Vampire B then said, \"Bah! Look at that village over there! Give me 5 minutes!\"He flew to the village, returned at the next 5 minutes, with his mouth filled with dripping red blood.Vampire C then yelled, \"Pffft! Look at the TOWN over there! Give me 3 minutes!\"He flew to the direction of the town, and one minute later, he returned with his mouth filled with blood.Vampire A and B stared at him with amazement, then immediately asked, \"How come you have such speed, friend?\"Vampire C pointed at a direction, then asked them, \"Do you see a building over there?\"\"Yes!\" answered A and B.\"Well I DON'T!!!\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 641,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. \"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time,\" the doctor says. \"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?\", the man asks.\"10...\" says the doctor. \"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!\" he asks desperately.\"10...9...8...7...\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 642,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall \nand there he was! \n She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, \nshe approached him for an interview. \"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how \nlong have you been coming to the Wall and praying?\" \n \"For about 60 years.\" \n \"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?\" \n \"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray \nfor all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in \nsafety and friendship.\" \n \"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?\" \n \"Like I'm talking to a goddamn wall.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 643,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "There were three couples that went to a church and asked to join. There was a newely wed couple, a middle-aged couple, and a older couple. The pastor told them that they had to go without sex for two weeks. Two weeks later they came back to that same church. The pastor asked the newely wed couple how it went. They replied \"It was hard the first week, but then we made it through.\" He asked the older couple, and they replied \"we did not have sex at all for the two weeks.\" He asked the middle-aged couple and the man said \"She dropped a paint can!\". The pastor said \"She dropped a paint can?. The man replied, \"She bent over with a paint can in her hand and I just had to get her right then and there!\".The pastor said, \"I'm sorry you cannot step foot into this church again!\" The man said, \"That's okay, we can't go into Home Depot either!!\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 644,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, \"I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please.\" When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. \"I told you guys only one moose!\" the furious flier screamed. \"There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!\" \"You're just a chicken pilot,\" one hunter said. \"We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off.\" Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered. \"All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it.\" They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. \"Where are we?\" one asked. His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, \"Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year.\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 645,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said \u00c2\u00a350.00. \"Why so little,\" she asked the pet store owner.The owner looked at her and said, \"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.\"The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, \"New house, new madam.\"The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought \"that's not so bad.\"When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, \"New house, new madam, new girls.\" The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.The bird looked at him and said, \"Hi Alex\".",
"category": "School",
"id": 646,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the same bandit had robbed the bank 3 times successively. \"Did you notice anything special about the man? I mean, did he ever change his appearance?\" asks the agent. \"Yes,\" replies the teller. \"He was better dressed each time.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 647,
"rating": 1.75
},
{
"body": "A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.\n\n\"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?\"\n\n\"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone,\" Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. \"But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.\"\n\n\"You sell them here?\" the customer asks.\n\n\"Only $4 apiece,\" says Green.\n\nThe customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.\n\n\"You didn't eat enough, \" says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.\n\n\"Hey, Green,\" he says, \"You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!\"\n\n\"You see?\" says Green. \"You're getting smarter already!\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 648,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An American tourist visited a small town in Spain. The residents had never seen an American before, so he was treated as an honoured guest at the hotel. Dinning for the first night, he asked the waiter what he recommended for dinner. He suggested the \"cojones\". The tourist asked what they were and the waiter replied, \"Those are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today.\" He was shocked but agreed to try them after being assured it was a delicacy reserved only for special guests. The tourist found them to be very tasty. The next night he again ordered them for dinner. The waiter complied but somewhat reluctantly. The tourist again found them to be very tasty but asked the waiter why they were so much smaller than before. The waiter said, \"You see, Senor, sometimes it is the bull that wins!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 649,
"rating": 2.25
},
{
"body": "\"Boss, I've got to have a raise,\" the salesman said to his sales manager. \"There are three other companies after me.\"\"Is that a fact?\" the manager asked. \"What other companies are after you?\"\"The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company.\"",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 650,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, \"Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce.\" The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. \"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest\", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. \"Wait sir\", the loan officer said, \"while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?\" The man smiled. \"Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?",
"category": "Military",
"id": 651,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, \"Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo.\" The man replies \"I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies.\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 652,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. \"Hey Willis!!\" the farmer yelled. \"Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up.\" \"That's mighty nice of you,\" Willis answered, \"but I don't think Pa would like me to.\" \"Nonsense, come on!\" the farmer insisted. \"Well, okay,\" the boy finally agreed, \"but Pa won't like it.\" After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. \"I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.\" \"Don't be foolish!\" the neighbor said with a smile. \"By the way, where is your Pa?\" \"Under the wagon.\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 653,
"rating": 3.83
},
{
"body": "A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. \"Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm\"? \"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm\", she said. Then he asked \"Why is my sister named Cornflower\"? \"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her\", she replied. He then asked \"And why is my other sister called Moonchild\"? \"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived\", the mother replies. The mother paused and said to her son... \"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 654,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. \"I have only one condition,\" he said. \"At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.\" The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. \"He was an evil man,\" he said. \"He cheated on his wife and abused his family.\" After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, \"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 655,
"rating": 3.8
},
{
"body": "One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, \"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, \"Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.\" \n\"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her.\" George was brokenhearted. \n\nAfter eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, \"Diane said yes! We're getting married in June.\" Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. \"Diane is your half sister too, George.\"\n\n\"I'm awfully sorry about this.\" George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. \n\n\"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married,\" he complained. \"Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.\" \n\"Hee hee,\" his mother chuckled, shaking her head, \"Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father.\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 656,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. \"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there.\" A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. \"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes.\" Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. \"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.\" \"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.\" The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, \"That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.\" Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, \"Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.\" Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. \"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.\" The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, \"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here...\"",
"category": "Blind Jokes",
"id": 657,
"rating": 3.88
},
{
"body": "1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. 4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.8. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.9. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.10. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 658,
"rating": 1.67
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny was walking down the beach, and he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, \"Are you a Christian?\"\n\n\"Yes.\" she replied.\n\n\"Do you read your Bible every day?\"\n\nShe nodded her head, \"Yes.\"\n\n\"Do you pray often?\" the boy asked next, and again she answered, \"Yes.\"\n\nWith that he asked his final question, \"Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 659,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by hisbed. and it rings. \"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!\"\"Oh, my gosh,\" cried the man, \"What are you going to do, doctor?\" \"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.\" \"Will that cure me???\" asked the man.The doctor replied, \"Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under the door.\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 660,
"rating": 3.36
},
{
"body": "Actual writings on hospital charts: 1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husbandstates she was very hot in bed last night. 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side forover a year. 3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the thirdday it disappeared. 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She alsoappears to be depressed. 5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing mein 1993. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentallyalert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused autopsy. 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 10. Patient has left white blood cells at anotherhospital. 11. Patient's medical history has been remarkablyinsignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the pastthree days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia forlunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most ofher life, until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our carfor physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light andaccommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circussized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, hetook a job as a stock broker instead. 25. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who feltwe should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 29. Patient has two teenage children, but no otherabnormalities.",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 661,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "A factory foreman is walking through the work area, and notices that Kawolski isn't at his station.He asks one of the other workers if they know where Kawolski is, and the employee points straight up in the air. The foreman looks up, and there's Kawolski, hanging by one arm from the rafters.\"Get down from there, Kawolski,\" he yells, to which Kawolski replies, \"But I'm a light bulb!\"The boss is -NOT- impressed, and makes Kawolski climb down and get back to work.About an hour later, the boss is walking through the factory once again, and once again he notices that Kawolski is missing. On a hunch, he looks up, and again sees Kawolski hanging by one arm from the rafters.The foreman makes him climb down, and chews him out, saying that if he catches Kawolski up there one more time, he's going to get fired.Another hour later, the boss is making another round, and sure enough... there's Kawolski, hanging by one arm from the rafters.\"That's it, Kawolski,\" he yells. \"You're FIRED!\"Kawolski climbs down, and grabs his lunchbox. As he gathers his belongings, all of the other employees stop working, and begin to empty their lockers as well.\"What's going on?\" the foreman asks. \"The rest of you had better get back to work right now!\"One of the employees turns to the forman and says, \"Sorry boss, but we aren't working without any lights.\"",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 662,
"rating": 1.33
},
{
"body": "A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning \"I\", points at his knee meaning \"need\", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, \"What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!\"The other guy says, \"I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 663,
"rating": 4.07
},
{
"body": "Two guys were out joy riding when the driver ran a red light. His friend complained, and the driver said \"Don`t worry, that's the way my brother drives.\"Later the driver ran another red light and again his friend complained, and again the driver distinctly replied \"Don't worry! that`s the way my brother drives!\"A few miles down the road the driver comes to a green light and comes to a complete stop. His friend looked over in utter dismay and screamed \"What are you doing, the light is green?!\"The driver said, \"Yeah, but my brother might be coming the other way.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 664,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.\"What brings you before the great and powerful Wizard of Oz? What do you want?\"Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, \"I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage.\"\"No problem!\" says the Wizard, \"Who is next?\"Up steps George Bush Senior sadly, \"I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.\"\"I've heard its true.\" says the Wizard. \"Consider it done. Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?\"George W. bush steps forward, \"Well, I think I need a brain\".\"Done\" says the Wizard.Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, \"What brings you to the emerald city?\"\"Is Dorothy around?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 665,
"rating": 3.43
},
{
"body": "A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, \"are these plates clean?\"His grandfather replied, \"Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal\".That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, \"Are you sure these plates are clean\"?Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, \"I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!\"Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, \"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out\".Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, \"Cold Water, Go lay down!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 666,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A pirate walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.The bartender asks \"So, what happened to your leg?\"The pirate says \"Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy and they blew up me ship, I fell over board, and a shark bit me leg off.\"\"Oh,\" said the bartender,\"what happened to your hand?\"The pirate replies, \"Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy again, and won came up and chopped me hand of with his sword.\"The bartender then asked,\"Well what happened to your eye?\"The pirate answered, \"Aaar, I was walking down the beach and I looked up and there were some seagulls and one doodooed in me eye.\"\"And that caused your eye to be put out?,\" asked the bartender.To this the pirate said,\"No, first day with me hook!\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 667,
"rating": 4.2
},
{
"body": "One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, \"So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?\"\"It's pretty nice,\" she replies. \"Except they won't let you fart.\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 668,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies, \"Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house.\"\n\nThe priest is most grateful and says, \"Thank you, my son\" and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 2 gold coins on his doorstep.\n\nSome days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, \"You don't have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house.\" The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him.\n\nWhen the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 diamonds on his doorstep. \n\nThe following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a haircut and a beard trim.\n\nWhen he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, \"No, Rabbi, I couldn't ask you to pay anything, it's on the house, you are a learned and wise man, go in peace.\" The Rabbi blesses him and leaves.\n\nWhen the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 669,
"rating": 3.89
},
{
"body": "The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. \"Just to establish some parameters,\" said the professor to the student from Arkansas, \"What is the opposite of joy?\"\n\n\"Sadness,\" said the student.\n\nAnd the opposite of depression?\" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.\n\n\"Elation,\" said she.\n\n\"And you sir,\" he said to the young man from Texas, \"how about the opposite of woe?\"\n\nThe Texan replied, \"Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 670,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily announces, \"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!\"\n\nA witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, \"An elephant?\"\n\nBessie thinks a minute and replies, \"Close enough!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 671,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "The Jones's were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, \"I'm off. The man should be here soon.\"Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. \"Good morning madam. I've come to...\"\"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,\" Mrs. Jones cut in.\"Really?\" the photographer asked. \"Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.\"\"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.\" After a moment she asked, blushing, \"Well, where do we start?\"\"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!\"\"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.\"\"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.\"\"My, that's a lot of. . . \" gasped Mrs. Jones.\"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.\"\"Don't I know it,\" Mrs. Jones said quietly.The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. \"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.\"\"Oh my God!!\" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.\"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.\"\"She was difficult?\" asked Mrs. Jones.\"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.\"\"Four and five deep?\" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.\"Yes\", the photographer said. \"And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.\"Mrs. Jones leaned forward. \"You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?\"\"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.\"\"Tripod?\"\"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long.\"\"Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 672,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time to see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves. \n\n\"I'm an engineer\" says American, \"So I'll handle building a shelter\". He turns to the Frenchman and says: \"You French are pretty good cooks, why don't you handle the cooking?\" The Frenchman agrees, and the American turns to the Japanese man \"That leaves you to organize the supplies\" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks. \n\n \nA year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have done. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies. The American comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says \"Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up\" The teams are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. \n\nThe Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs \"I had lots to work with\" he says, \"This island has loads of edible herbs and plants.\" \n\nThe team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man. \"Oh we don't know what happened to him\" explains the American, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since.\" They all agree that they should find the man, and a search party is organised. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with peacock feathers sticking out of his ears and shouts: \"SUPPLIES!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 673,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, \"Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun.\" The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, \"You're a surgeon, aren't you?\" \"Yeah, how did you know?\" The man says, \"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.\" \"Oh, that makes sense\", says the woman. \" You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?\" \"Yeah\", says the man , a bit surprised. \"How did you know?\" The woman answers, \"Because I didn't feel a thing.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 674,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. \"My God! How long have you been smoking?\" screams the father.\n\n\"Since I lost my virginity,\" replies the girl.\n\n\"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?\" shrieks the father.\n\n\"I don't remember,\" says the girl. \"I was completely drunk.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 675,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, \"What are you charged with?\"\n\n\"Doing my Christmas shopping early sir\", replied the defendant.\n\n\"Well that's not an crime\", said the judge! \"How early were you doing this shopping?\"\n\n\"Before the store opened\", answered the prisoner.",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 676,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, \"I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.\" The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. \"Is your bet still good?\", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, \"If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for the past 30 minutes?\". The Irishman replies, \"Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first\".",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 677,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "dude walks into a bar and says to the bartender : \"I want a 12 years old scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference.\"The bartender is sceptical and decides to try to trick the man with a 5 year old scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says : \"Hey - Bartender, this crap is 5 years old scotch. - I told you that I wanted a 12 years old.\" The bartender won't give and tries once more this time with a 8 year scotch.The man takes a sip, grimaces and says : \"Bartender, I do not want 8 years old scotch like this filth. Gi'me a 12-years old scotch or ill leave !\"Impressed, the bartender gives him the 12-year scotch on the house, the man takes a sip and sighs, \" Ah, now that's the real thing. \"A disgusting, ugly, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says. : \"Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one.\"...The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, \"Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!\"The drunk's eyes light up and he says, \"Yeah sure, now how old am I ?\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 678,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: That's not it \u009d and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: That's it. \u009d",
"category": "Military",
"id": 679,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!? \u009d The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight.... \u009d",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 680,
"rating": 2.75
},
{
"body": "A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, \"Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?\"The second man says, \"I don't think so. They didn't do it last year.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 681,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A tourists guide was talking with a group of school kids at Yellowstone park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.\"Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon.\"\"What did you do?\" the little girl asked.\"What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast.\"\"How did you get away?\"\"As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage.\"",
"category": "School",
"id": 682,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. \"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... Oh my god!\" The passengers sat in silence, waiting for terrible news. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said \"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!\" A passenger in Coach said, \"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 683,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. \n\nThe first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. \n\nWithout a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. \n\nShortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, \"Humph, not much of a man, was he?\" \n\nThe waitress replied, \"Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 684,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "The day care bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up. 15 minutes later she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about 8 times. After the 9th time he asks the lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves. She replied that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They can not chew them. \"Why do you buy them then?\" he asks, puzzled. Where upon the lady answers, \"We just love to lick the chocolate around them\".",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 685,
"rating": 2.4
},
{
"body": "The warden of the prison walked into Death Row and stopped in front of one of the cells. He said to the inmate, \"I'm sorry but the Governor has rejected your plea for clemency and the execution will have to go forward. Do you have any last wishes or requests?\"The prisoner thought a moment and he said, \"I would like to do the Macarena one last time before I die.\"They agreed that this was a reasonable last request. He stopped in front of another cell. \"I'm sorry but your plea for clemency was rejected as well and we will have to execute you after him. Do you have any last wishes or requests?\"The second condemned man looked at the first prisoner for a moment and then said, \"Could you PLEASE kill me first?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 686,
"rating": 1.33
},
{
"body": "The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town. \n\nShe came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes. \n\nFor her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes. \n\nThe next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale. \n\nFor her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage. \n\nThe Major asks her, \"What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?\" \n\nShe replied with a wicked smile, \"Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 687,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. \"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.\" \"Well, tell me!\" the man said. The policeman said, \"We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?\" Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, \"Give me the bad news first.\" So the policeman said, \"I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay.\" \"Oh my god!,\" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, \"What's the good news?\" \"Well,\" said the policeman, \"When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.\" \"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!\", Mr. Wilkens demanded. The policeman said, \"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 688,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. \"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,\" one says, \"but we have no one to go to with our own problems.\" \"Since we're all professionals,\" another suggests, \"why don't we hear each other out right now?\" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, \"I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.\" The second admits, \"I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.\" The third psychiatrist says, \"I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 689,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,\"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!\"\"It's not just one car,\" said Herman, \"It's hundreds of them!\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 690,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs.He gathered enough strength to get out bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies.Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.\"Stay out of those,\" she said, \"They're for the funeral!\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 691,
"rating": 2.83
},
{
"body": "An old Jewish man went to a diner every day for lunch. He always ordered the soup du jour. One day the manager asked him how he liked his meal. The old man replied (with Yiddish accent), \"Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread.\"\n\nSo the next day the manager told the waitress to give him four slices of bread. \"How was your meal, sir?\" the manager asked. \"Vas goot, but you could give a little more bread,\" came the reply.\n\nSo the next day the manager told the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. \"How was your meal today, sir?\" the manager asked. \"Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread,\" came the reply.\n\nSo...the next day the manager told the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. \"How was your meal, sir?\" the manager asked, when he came to hand him the bill. \"Vas goot, but you could give maybe a little more bread,\" came the reply once again.\n\nThe manager was obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he went to the bakery, and ordered a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man came in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, buttered the entire length of each half, and laid it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sat down, and devoured his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.\n\nThe manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man came up to pay for his meal, the manager asked in the usual way, \"How was your meal TODAY, sir?\"\n\nThe old Jew replied, \"It vas goot as usual, but vy you are back to giving only two slices bread!\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 692,
"rating": 2.2
},
{
"body": "One afternoon a carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.\n\n\"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,\" the carpet layer said to himself. So, he got out his hammer and flattened the hump.\n\nAs he was cleaning up, the lady came in. \"Here,\" she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. \"I found them in the hallway.\" \"Now,\" she said, \"if only I could find my parakeet.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 693,
"rating": 3.8
},
{
"body": "Three men are having conversation about each other's daughters. An Englishman, Scottish and an Irishman.The Englishman said: \"I found a packet of cigarrettes in my daughter's bedroom. I didnt even know she smokes.\"But the Scottish said: \"Well, that's nothing. I found a bottle of whiskey in my daughter's bedroom. I didnt even know she drinks.\"Then finally the Irishman said: \"huh! Consider yourselves lucky. The other day I found a packet of condoms in my daughter's bedroom. I didnt even known she has a dick!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 694,
"rating": 2.2
},
{
"body": "A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says \"We are in Germany\". The others ask, \"How do you know\", the German says, \"Cuz' it's so cold\". Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says \"We are in Australia\", the others ask \"How do you know\", he replies \"Cuz' it's so warm\". Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says \" We are in Mexico\", the others ask \"How do you know\", he says \" Cuz' my watch in gone\".",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 695,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, \"We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?\" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, \"We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?\" One male parrot said to the other, \"Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 696,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A pair of birds were sitting on a branch of a tree when they see a turtle run past them, jump off the branch and flap his arms as hard as he can. He falls to the ground. The poor turtle repeats this process numerous times, and then one bird says to the other \"dear, do you think we should tell him he's adopted?\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 697,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. \"But officer.\" the man began, \"I can explain,\". \"Just be quiet,\" snapped the officer. \"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back...\" \"But officer, I just wanted to say....\" \"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!\" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, \"Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.\" \"Don't count on it,\" answered the fellow in the cell. \"I'm the groom.\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 698,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, \"You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.\"The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, \"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?\"The guy replies, \"I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 699,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. \"I NEED FOOD!\" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. \"NO!\" Joe retorts. \"We promised.\" Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock. \"Just for that, I'm not going.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 700,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A preacher is buying a parrot.\"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?\" asked the preacher.\"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,\" the storekeeper assures him.\"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.\"\"Wonderful!\" says the preacher, \"but what happens if you pull both strings?\"\"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!\" screeched the parrot.",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 701,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, \"Is he breast fed or on the bottle?\" \"Oh...he is breast fed!\", replied the woman. \"Well then, strip down to your waist,\" orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says - \"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!\" The woman with a wry grin on her face responds...\"Well of course I don't.\" \"I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 702,
"rating": 1.67
},
{
"body": "A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, \"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?\" To which he replied, \"That would be fine with me.\" Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 703,
"rating": 4.2
},
{
"body": "\"How was your golf game, dear?\" asked Jack's wife Tracy.\"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad Icouldn't see where the ball went.\"\"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!\" admonished his wife,\"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?\"\"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,\"protested Jack.\"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,\"Tracy pointed out.The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung,and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.\"Do you see it?\" asked Jack.\"Yup,\" Scott answered.\"Well, where is it?\" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.\"I forgot.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 704,
"rating": 2.83
},
{
"body": "A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender,\"I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!\" The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells \"CHEERS!\" and downs their drinks. The bartender says \"That'll be $37.50.\" The drunk says, \"Kiss my big white rear, 'cuz I don't have any money!\" This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats up the drunk and throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, \"I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too\". The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, \"Salute!\" and down the drinks. The bartender says, \"That'll be $42,50.\" The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, \"I don't have any money and you can kiss my big white rear!\" This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the drunk and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure. The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, \"Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?\" The drunk replies, \"No way, you get too violent when you drink!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 705,
"rating": 1.67
},
{
"body": "Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out\nto the other, \"Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?\"\n\"Well,\" replies the other, \"I was walking to class the other day when this\npretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her\nclothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'\"\n\"Good choice,\" says the first, \"her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.\"",
"category": "School",
"id": 706,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a doctors office. He says, \"Doctor, I'm suffering from silentgas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last nightduring a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on theway to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in yourwaiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact,I've just had two more.\"The doctor replied, \"Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is yourhearing!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 707,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "The jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport in Toronto on its final approach.The pilot comes on over the intercom and says, \"Ladies and gentlemen. This is Capt. Johnson speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.\"Unknowingly, the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and the entire plane can now hear the conversation in the cockpit.The co-pilot says to the pilot, \"Well, Captain, what are you gonna do here in Toronto?\"By now, all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.\"Well,\" says the Captain, \"First, I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a nice, long shower. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper. You know, the cute one with the hot body. I'm gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room, and then I'm gonna make love to her all night long.\"Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.She's so embarrassed, she runs from the back of the plane to get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes, flat on her face.The old lady leans over to her and says calmly, \"No need to run, dear. He said he's gotta take a shower first!\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 708,
"rating": 2.6
},
{
"body": "A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, \"Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?\" The mother replies, \"Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand\". \"OK\" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, \"Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?\" \"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert\", the camel mother answers. \"Thanks Mom\" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, \"Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??\" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, \"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.\" \"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but... Mom?\" \"Yes son?\" \"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 709,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in. As it turned out, his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, \"Chicken farming isn 't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I 'll give you 100 chickens.\" The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the neighbor dropped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, \"Not too well. All 100 chickens died.\" The neighbor said, \"Oh, I can 't believe that. I 've never had any trouble with my chickens. I 'll give you 100 more.\" Another two weeks went by and the neighbor stopped by again. The new farmer said, \"You 're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.\" Astounded, the neighbor asked, \"What went wrong?\" The new farmer said, \"Well, I 'm not sure whether I 'm planting them too deep or too close together.\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 710,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.\n\n\"Guess what, sir?\" the clerk said. \"I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!\"\n\n\"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?\" the\nmanager asked.\n\n\"That's the one!\"\n\n\"That's great!\" the manager cried, \"I thought we'd never get rid of that\nmonstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?\"\n\n\"Oh,\" the clerk replied, \"after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me.\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 711,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages. Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it. \n\"Thank God,\" she says. \nA man in the seat behind her says \"Ecxuse me comerade, but this is an athiest society. You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'\" \n\"Of course you are right,\" the old woman says. \"Thank Stalin.\" She is silent for a moment, then says: \"Comerade, I have just had a terrible thought: \nWhat shall we say when Stalin dies?\" \nThe man behind her replies \"In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 712,
"rating": 2.75
},
{
"body": "So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 713,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.\"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?\" asks St. Peter.The first guy says, \"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.\"The second guy says, \"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.\"The last guy replies, \"I would like to hear them say, \"Look! He's moving!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 714,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. \"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,\" the accountant replied.Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. \"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.\"Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.\"Let me tell you a story,\" replied the Rabbi. \"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel.\"The man protested: \"What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?\"The Rabbi replied, \"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 715,
"rating": 4.63
},
{
"body": "An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before beingallowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo somecounselling from the marriage guidance mob, to see if their union could besaved. The counsellor did her best, but to no avail. The old folk were absolutely determined to go through with separation leading to divorce.Finally, in some desperation, the counsellor said: \"But you're 95 and your wife is 93. You've been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??\" To which the wife replied: \"We haven't been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 716,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.\n\nBefore long, along came this little old man. The son said, \"Ooh dad, there's one.\" \"No,\" said the father. \"There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait.\"\n\nWell, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, \"Hey dad, he's plenty big enough.\" \"No,\" the father said. \"We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait.\"\n\nAbout an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.\n\nThe son said, \"Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her.\"\n\n\"No,\" said the father. \"We'll not eat her either.\"\n\n\"Why not?\" asked the son.\n\n\"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 717,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "At communion you go back for seconds.You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.Long distance companies don't call you to switch.You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice.McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.American Express calls and says: \"Leave home without it!\"Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 718,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.They ask,\"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?\"\"It's pretty nice,\" she replies. \"Except they won't let you fart.\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 719,
"rating": 2.2
},
{
"body": "One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo, where he attempted to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office. The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off without him. The zookeeper offered the mime a job to dress up as Sparky until they could get a new gorilla. The mime accepted.The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived. He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tired of him, and he was getting bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top over the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost his grip and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. When no help came, and the crowd looked on in shock, the mime started screaming and yelling.Help, Help me!\" he screamed, but the lion was too quick and pounced. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, who was just inches away from his face when he whispered, \"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 720,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.\n\nThe Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American food (French fries, cheese, etc.) and was constantly sending his man- servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water.\n\nTime and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water. But finally he returned empty-handed.\n\n\"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??\" demanded the Grand Emir.\n\n'A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,\" stammered the wretched Abdul,\"but a man is sitting on the well.\"",
"category": "Ethnic Jokes",
"id": 721,
"rating": 3.43
},
{
"body": "A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,\"Well sir,I have bad news and I have worse news\".\nThe guy says, \"well gimme the worst news first\". The doc says, \"well sir you have Cancer\".\nThe guy says \"that's terrible news, but whats the bad news?\" The doc says \"well sir, you also have Alzheimers disease\". \n\"Well\", answers the guy, \"at least I don't have Cancer\".",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 722,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, \"I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,\" and then hangs up.The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.She calls her father and yells, \"You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don 't do a single thing, do you hear me?\"The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, \"It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they 're paying their own way!\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 723,
"rating": 3.83
},
{
"body": "Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. \"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come.\"\"Great,\" says Sam, \"after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.\" As Enoch is leaving he stops, \"Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'.\"\"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em.\"Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. \"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.\"\"Damn\", Sam thinks... \"Tough crowd.\" \"Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again.\"Once again Enoch turns from the door. \"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.\"\"Now that's not a problem\" says Sam, \"Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?\"Enoch stops in the door again and says, \"Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 724,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "A Blind man walks into a department store with his guide dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head by its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says \"mister is there a problem - is there anything i can help you with?\" The blind man calmly replies \"No Thanks - I'm just looking around\"",
"category": "Blind Jokes",
"id": 725,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "These two convicts were about to be executed. The Warden says to the first one \"Do you have a last request?\"The convict says \"Yes. I'd like to hear A Christina Aguilera song one last time.\"The Warden says \"OK, I think we can arrange that.\" Then he says to the second convict \"How about you? Last request?\"The second convict says \"Yeah. Kill me first.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 726,
"rating": 4.29
},
{
"body": "A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks \"What's up?\" \nThe man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome. \n\n\"ROME?!\" Joe says, \"Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?\" \n\n\"We're taking TWA,\" the man replies. \n\n\"TWA?!\" yells Joe. \"They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?\" \n\nThe man says \"We'll be at the downtown International Marriot.\" \n\n\"That DUMP?!\" says Joe. \"That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?\" \n\nThe man says \"We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope.\" \n\n\"HA! That's rich!\" laughs Joe. \"You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!\" \n\nA month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, \"Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!\" \n\n\"No, quite the opposite\" explained the man. \"Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!\" \n\n\"Hmmm,\" Joe says, \"Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described.\" \n\n\"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!\" \n\n\"Well,\" Joe mumbles, \"I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!\" \n\n\"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.\" \n\nImpressed, Joe asks, \"Tell me, please! What'd he say?\" \n\n\"Oh, not much really. Just \"Where'd you get that awful haircut?\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 727,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "A Polish Paratrooper makes his first jump.He was given the following instructions: \"once you jumped you need to open your parachute. If it doesn't open, you have a reserve one. The Jeep will wait for you on the ground\".So, he gets on the plane, jumps outside but can't open his parachute. He then tries to open the reserve one, but it deosn't open as well. \"Great\", he says to himself, \"Now all I need is that the Jeep won't wait for me to make it a real unlucky day\".",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 728,
"rating": 1.75
},
{
"body": "A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. \"Welcome to the family,\" said the man. \"I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.\" The son-in-law interrupted. \"Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise.\" The father-in-law said, \"Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.\" \"I hate office work, too\" said the son-on-law. \"I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.\" \"Wait a minute,\" said the father-in-law. \"I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?\" \"Easy,\" said the young man. \"Buy me out.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 729,
"rating": 2.2
},
{
"body": "Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate? \n\nThe day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, \"I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.\" \n\nAn hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: \"First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?\" \n\nMeanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. \"What happened?\" they asked. \"Well,\" said Moishe, \"First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.\" \"And then?\" asked a woman. \"I don't know,\" said Moishe. \"He took out his lunch and I took out mine.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 730,
"rating": 4.21
},
{
"body": "A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, \"You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want.\"The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in sewage.\"Hmmm,\" he says, \"that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door.\" Satan smiles and shows him in.Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, \"Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 731,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road, due to the fact that he appears to be driving erratically. He says to the driver, \"You appear to have been drinking!\" The driver answers, \"No sir, I am just tired.\"The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest! He also notices that there is an empty bottle on the floor. He says to the driver, \"What is, or should I say was in this bottle?The driver answers, \"Water!\" The policeman says, \"It is not, it's wine!\"The driver looks up to the heavens and says, \"Oh Lord, you have done it again!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 732,
"rating": 3.6
},
{
"body": "This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, \"I want to sell Bibles for you.\" \"OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!\"The second came in and said, \"I want to sell Bibles for you.\" \"OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!\" The third came in and said, \"I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!\"\"No,\" shouted the man, \" this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!\" The applicant replied, \"B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!\"As there were no other applicants, he man said, \"OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!\"At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, \"I sold 8 Bibles today.\" The second reports: \"I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, \"To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!\" \"Great,\" says the man. \"However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!\"At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, \"Today, I sold 32 Bibles.\" The second worker reports, \"I sold 44 Bibles today\" The third worker reports, \"To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles.\" \"Fantastic,\" said the man, \"since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is.\" Replied the worker, \"I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to READ it to 'em?\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 733,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, \"Anyone here know how to pray?\" One man stepped forward. \"Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.\" \"Good,\" said the captain, \"you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short.\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 734,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: \"Look, it's not the same hat\" \"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table\" \"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?\" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and another. After a week the parrot said: \"OK, I give up. Where's the boat?\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 735,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.\n\nHe said to her, \"Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!\"\n\nShe lifted up her skirt and said, \"Quick hide under here.\" The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, \"No.\"\n\nAfter they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, \"You have a nice set of legs for a nun!\"\n\nShe replied, \"If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 736,
"rating": 3.4
},
{
"body": "A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, \"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you.\"\n\n\"But wait,\" he said. \"If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!\"\n\n\"Really? Great! Show me!\"\n\nSo the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.\n\n\"Well,\" said the interviewer, \"that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!\"\n\n\"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!\"\n\n\"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?\"\n\n\"Oh, that,\" he sighed. \"Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 737,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, \"Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks.\" The bartender said, \"That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first.\" The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. \"Where did you get all that money?\" asked the bartender. \"I'm a professional gambler,\" replied the man. The bartender said, \"There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?\" \"Well, I only bet on sure things,\" said the guy. \"Like what?\" asked the bartender. \"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,\" he said. The bartender thought about it. \"Okay,\" he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. \"Aw, you screwed me,\" said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. \"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,\" said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, \"Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet.\" So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. \"Aw, you screwed me again!\" protested the bartender. \"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,\" said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, \"Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.\" The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. \"Okay, you're on,\" he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, \"Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!\" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, \"That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 738,
"rating": 4.2
},
{
"body": "Bernie and Abe are having a drink together in a City wine bar to celebrate Abe 's recent promotion. They had been drinking for some time when Bernie begins to insult Abe. He shouts, I slept with your mother, Abe. \u009d \nThere was a hush as everyone listens. \nBernie again shouts at Abe, I slept with your mother, Abe. \u009d \nAbe replies, I know. Why don 't you go home now, Dad, you 're drunk. \u009d",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 739,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim \"a little bit\". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table. He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, \"I would say it was about one-tenth that hard.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 740,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, \"May I help you, my son?\"\"I dunno...\" came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. \"You got any toilet paper on your side?\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 741,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. \"Brenda, may I come in?\" he asks. \"I've somethin' to tell ya.\" \n\n\"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?\" \n\n\"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...\" \n\n\"Oh, God no!\" cries Brenda. \"Please don't tell me....\" \n\n\"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.\" Finally, she looked up at Tim. \n\n\"How did it happen, Tim?\" \n\n\"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.\" \n\n\"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?\" \n\n\"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 742,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, \"If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.\" \"Now,\" he concluded, \"which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 743,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. \"Aaah!\" he said. \"We're right over my homeland.\"\"How can you tell?\" asked the American.\"I can feel the cold air.\" he replied.A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. \"Aah we're right over my homeland.\" he said.\"How do you know that?\" asked the Russian. \"I can feel the heat of the desert.\"Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. \"Aah, we're right over New York.\"The Russian and the African were amazed. \"How do you know all of that?\" they exclaimed.The American pulled his hand up. \"My watch is missing.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 744,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.\"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!\"\"Oh my gosh,\" cries the man. He's in a panic now. \"What are you going to do, doctor?\"\"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.\"\"Will that cure me?\" asked the man hopefully.The doctor replied, \"Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 745,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two friends, Sullivan and O'Doule worked together at the Guiness Brewery in Dublin. They hadn't been working there very long when one day, with no warning, O'Doule falls into one of the vats. To make a long story short, Sullivan's lifelong pal drowns.\n\nSullivan, being O'Doule's best friend, feels obligated to go to the widow O'Doule and break the bad news to her.\n\nHe walks to the house and knocks on the door. When the widow O'Doule answered, he bowed his head respectfully and told her what had happened. \"I'm sorry to be the one to tell ye,\" he said, \"but I'm afraid Seamus has fallen into one of the vats at work and has drowned. He's off to meet his maker.\"\n\n\"Alas,\" cried the widow. \"The poor man couldn't swim a stroke.\"\n\n\"The hell he couln't,\" replied Sullivan, \"He got out three times to take a pee!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 746,
"rating": 2.75
},
{
"body": "An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk drawer and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis in the job and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs. Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong - the usual stuff - and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says \"blame me!\" He does this and gets off the hook. Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The message inside says \"Write two envelopes\".",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 747,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music. \n\nThe Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0 \n\nNext comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance. \n\nThe Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0 \n\nFinally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess. \n\nThe Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0 \n\nThe other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, \"How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!\" \n\nTo which the Irish judge replies \"You've gotta remember, it's damn slippery out there.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 748,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "Three athletes were standing in line waiting to enter the Olympic Village. The first guy is carrying a discus, and he walks up to the guard and says, \"Soviet Discus Team.\" The guard says \"pass\".\n\nThe second guy is carring a vaulting pole, and he walks up to the guard and says, \"East German Pole Vaulting Team.\" The guard says \"pass\".\n\nThe third guy is carrying a rolled up chain-link fence on his shoulder, he walks up to the guard and says, \"Polish Fencing Team.\" \"Pass...\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 749,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. \n\nBefore the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, \"Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this \"pretzel\" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!\" \n\nThe wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. \n\nSuddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. \n\nThe trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, \"How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!\" The wrestler answered, \"Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. \n\n\"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. \n\n\"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 750,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play\ntogether. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. \n \nArriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no\navail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the\nchicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the\nchicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his\nfriend's life. \n \nBack at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. \n \nThe friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best\nPals. \n A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,\nbegan to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse\nthought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking\nunderneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he could\nthen lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse\npulled him up and out, saving his life. \n \n The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral!) \n \n\n\"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 751,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Golfer: \"I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.\"Caddy: \"I doubt you could keep your head down that long.\"Golfer: \"I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.\"Caddy: \"Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth.\"Golfer: \"Well, I have never played this badly before!Caddy: \"I didn't realize you had played before, sir.\"Golfer: \"Caddy, do you think my game is improving?\"Caddy: \"Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.\"Golfer: \"Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!\"Caddy: \"This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!\"Golfer: \"Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?\"Caddy: \"The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!\"Golfer: \"This golf is a funny game.\"Caddy: \"It's not supposed to be.\"Golfer: \"That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old.\"Caddy: \"It's a long time since we started, sir.\"Golfer: \"Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?\"Caddy: \"Eventually.\"Golfer (screaming): \"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!\"Caddy: \"I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 752,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, \"Cut it out.\" The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward. About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, \"I said stop it.\" The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued. Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, \"What is it with you?\" The rear tiger replied, \"I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 753,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "These are actual warnings given on various products:\n\n1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. \n\n2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. \n\n3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. \n\n4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. \n\n5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. \n\n6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) \n\n7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END. \n\n8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? \n\n9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. \n\n10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. \n\n11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. \n\n12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. \n\n13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. \n\n14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. \n\n15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 754,
"rating": 4.6
},
{
"body": "An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, \"Honey, can you hear me?\" There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, \"Honey, can you hear me?\" Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, \"Honey, can you hear me?\" She replied, \"For the third time, Yes!\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 755,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "The IRS Visit Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion. \"Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you're a pauper.\" His accountant told him. Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. \"Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated.\" The lawyer said. Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice. \"Let me tell you a story.\" The priest said. \"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel.\" Joseph was confused. \"What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?\" \"Simple.\" replied the priest. \"It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get the screwed.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 756,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, \"Bring me my red shirt!\" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, \"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?\" The Captain replied, \"If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid.\" All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, \"Get me my brown pants.\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 757,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "An alien and a man were sitting next to each other in a bar. The alien was constantly poking the guy's cheek and saying, \"zzzt!\" Finally, the guy got so mad at the alien that he said, \"If you do that one more time, I'll chop your pecker off!'' \nAgain, the alien poked his cheek and said, \"zzzt!\"\n\nThe guy said, \"Okay, that's it!\" He got up, grabbed the sharpest knife he could find, and pulled down the alien's pants. But he was astounded to see nothing there. \n\nHe then said, \"Well, if you don't have a you know, a whang, how do you have sex?\" \n\nThe alien just smiled, poked the guy's cheek, and said \"zzzt!\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 758,
"rating": 3.43
},
{
"body": "Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, \"You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.\"\nThe second lady says, \"You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!\"\nThe third lady smiles smugly. \"Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock wood.\" \nShe raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, \"Who's there?\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 759,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK. \"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love\". The old man replied, \"I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 760,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. \"Wonderful. What part is it?\" The boy says, \"I play the part of the Jewish husband.\" The mother scowls and says, \"Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 761,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, \"Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much.\"\n\nThe twenty answered, \"I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?\"\n\nThe one dollar bill said, \"You know, same old stuff, church, church, church.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 762,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "\"So tell me, Mrs. Jones,\" asked the interviewer, \"do you have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?\" \"Well, actually, yes,\" said the applicant modestly. \"Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, andI also finished my novel.\"\"Very impressive,\" commented the interviewer, \"but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.\"Mrs. Jones explained brightly, \"Oh, that was during office hours.\"",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 763,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job.The interviewer asks him, \"Are you a veteran?\" The guy says, \"Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.\"\"Good,\" says the interviewer, \"That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?\"The guy says, \"In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though.\"\"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started.\"The guy says, \"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?\"\"Well, here at the post office, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!\"",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 764,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip are entertaining the King and Queen of Tonga, during the visit they accept a customary ride in the horse drawn cart around the grounds of Sandringham Castle.During the trip one of the horses farts and the sound and smell carries all the way through the cart to the royals. Embarrassed by this, the queen whispers in Phillip's ear \"do you think I should mention that to our guests?\". Phillip agrees saying \"yes, that would be a good idea\".So the queen leans over to the the King of Tonga and says: \"please do excuse me, I'm very embarrassed about that\", to which the king of Tonga replies, \"that's ok ma'am, I thought it was the horse\".",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 765,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. \"That was my pager, \"he said, \"I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.\" A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, \"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.\" The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Texan finally said \"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 766,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:- Oops! - Has anyone seen my watch? - That was some party last night I can't remember when I've been that drunk.- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!- Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.- Come back with that! Bad Dog!- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?- Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie- If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?- Damn, there go the lights again...- Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.- Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!- What do you mean, he's not insured?- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.- What do you mean \"You want a divorce\"!- I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.- Let's hurry, I don't want to miss \"Bay Watch\"- That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.- Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?- Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!",
"category": "Money",
"id": 767,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. \"OK, follow me,\" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.\"Now, do you see that tree over there?\" he asked.\"Yes, yes, yes!\" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.\"Good,\" said the first bat tiredly, \"Because I didn't!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 768,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Mrs.O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. \"Hello,\" said the Father, \"and how is Mrs.O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?\" She replied \"That you did Father.\" The priest asked, \"And are there any little ones yet?\" \"No, not yet Father,\" said she. \"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you.\" \"Thank you, Father.\" And away she went.A few years later they met again. \"Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan,\" said the Father, \"how are you?\" \"Oh, very well,\" said she. \"And tell me,\" he said, \"have you any little ones yet?\" \"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all.\" \"Now isn't that wonderful,\" he said \"And how is your lovely husband?\" \"Oh,\" she said, \"he's gone to Rome. To blow out the damn candle!",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 769,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says \"Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.\" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says \"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.\" The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says \"I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.\" He gets it. The guy from Guiness sits down and says \"Give me a Coke.\" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask \"Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?\" and the Guiness resident replies \"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 770,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.\"Look,\" said the customer, \"I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?\"\"Sure\", said the bartender, and he did.\"Now,\" said the customer, \"I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.\"\"Certainly.\" And it was done.\"If you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket,\" said the armlessman, \"you'll find the money for the beer.\"The bartender got it.\"You've been very kind,\" said the customer. \"Just one thing more.Where is the men's room?\"\"Out the door,\" said the bartender, \"turn left, walk two blocks,and there's one in a filling station on the corner.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 771,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Three guys work on a constuction site. One is white, one is black and one is Polish. The bell rings for lunch and the white man opens his lunchbag and sighs deeply, saying, ''If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow I'm jumping off the building.'' The black guy opens up his lunch, glares and says '' If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going with you.\" The Polish man opens his lunch, pulls out another ham sandwich, and says ''I'm with you guys.'' \nThe next day the lunch bell rings.The white man opens his lunch. He says, ''Turkey sandwich. I love my wife.'' The black guy opens his lunch. He says, ''Chicken sandwich. I love my wife. The Polish man opened his lunchbox, looked stricken, and said '' See ya guys.'' With that, he jumped off the building. The black guy says '' I feel sorry for him. ''The white man replies, ''Why?'' The black guy said, ''Because he packs his own lunch.\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 772,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor invites her in to sit down. \"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems.\" \"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless.\" \"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs.\" \"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless.\" \"And it hasn't got any arms either.\" \"What?\" \"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. Infact, your child is only a very, very big ear.\" \"Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it.I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it.\" \"Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf.\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 773,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, \"If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail.\" So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did. ''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy. ''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge. ''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.'' ''Oh, that's nothing!\" said the second guy. \"I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.'' ''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge. ''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 774,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the\nPearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,\n\"What\nare all those clocks?\"\nSt. Peter answered, \"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a\nLie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.\"\n\"Oh,\" said the man, \"Whose clock is that?\" \"That's Mother Teresa's.\nThe\nhands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.\"\n\"Incredible,\" said the man. \"And whose clock is that one?\" St. Peter\nresponded, \"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved\ntwice,\ntelling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.\"\n\"Where's George Bush's clock?\" asked the man.\n\"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.\"",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 775,
"rating": 3.17
},
{
"body": "In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, \"Charlie! What are you doing?\" Charlie replied, \"Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!\" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, \"Well Charlie, how are you doing?\" Charlie says, \"I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest.\" \"That's great,\" replied the nurse, \"I'm glad you had a safe trip.\" The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With suprise she asks, \"Fred what are you doing!?\" To which Fred replies, \"I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 776,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...\nOne of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. \"I know how to get some time off work\" the man whispered.\n\n\"How?\" asked the second worker.\n\nInstead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. \"Look!\" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.\n\nWithin seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.\n\n\"I'm a light bulb\" answered the public servant.\n\n\"I think you need some time off,\" barked the Director. \"Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?\"\n\n\"Yes sir\", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.\n\nThe second worker was hot on his heels.\n\n\"Where do you think you're going?\" the boss asked.\n\n\"Home,\" he said lightly. \"I can't work in the dark.\"",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 777,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "Ben and Haley had gotten up in years, and their memories weren't quite what they used to be. They found it beneficial to write things down so as not to forget them. One evening they were sitting in the parlor and Haley said, \"Ben, be a dear and go to the kitchen and fix me a dish of ice cream and put some chocolate syrup and peanuts on it. And, Ben, write it down so you don't forget the peanuts.\" \"That's a good idea, Dear.\" Ben said, and wrote it on the notepad and headed for the kitchen. Ben was in the kitchen for a while, and returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. Haley looked at it and said, \"Oh Ben, you forgot the breakfast toast.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 778,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, \"Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.\" The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, \"It's his turn with the teeth.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 779,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al. \n\nJoe: \"He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over.\" Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, \"Nope, that ain't George.\" \n\nThinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al. \n\nAl: \"Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over.\" Again, \"Nope, that ain't George.\" \n\nMortician: \"How can you tell?\" \n\nAl: \"George had two buttholes.\" \n\nMortician: \"What? How could he have two buttholes?\" \n\nAl: \"Everybody knew George had two buttholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, \"Here comes George with those two buttholes!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 780,
"rating": 2.25
},
{
"body": "There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes. Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that \"party thing.\" Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, look and behold, he made it! The host walked over to the man and said, \"Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?\" The man replied, \"First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the bastard who pushed me in.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 781,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "It was opening night at the theatre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to seethe famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage,he announced, \"Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.\" The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you eachto keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.It's been in my family for six generations.\" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, \"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....\" The crowdbecame mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyesfollowed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. \"Sh*t!\" said the hypnotist.It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 782,
"rating": 3.2
},
{
"body": "A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, \"Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearlygot you killed!\"The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,\"To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass.\"",
"category": "Blind Jokes",
"id": 783,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window. A passenger standing near him asks:-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?-I 'm chasing away the elephants-Chasing elephants? There aren 't elephants in the city.-Well that means it's working!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 784,
"rating": 1.33
},
{
"body": "Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, \"I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?\" The first priest says, \"I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.\" \"So be it,\" says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, \"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?\" \"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing.\" \"In that case,\" says the second priest, \"I've always wanted to be a stud.\" \"So be it\" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. \"Will you have any trouble locating them?\" He asks. \"The first one should be easy,\" says St. Peter. \"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.\" \"Why?\" asketh the Lord. \"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 785,
"rating": 2.83
},
{
"body": "Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the\nother sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American \nsat down in the aisle seat.\n After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was\nsettling in when the Arab in the window seat said,\"I need to get up and\n get a beer\".\n\"Don't get up,\" said the American, \"I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you\".\nAs soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, \"That looks\ngood, I'd really like one, too\". Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it.\n While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it too. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.\n\"Why does it have to be this way?\" he asked. \"How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes...... pissing in beers?\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 786,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possiblefor her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.She was the only one who receivedan A+ and this is what she wrote:Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?",
"category": "School",
"id": 787,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says \"Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.\" \nThe mexican man pleads with them, \"No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!\" \nThe Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says \"Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence\". \nThe Mexican man of course agrees. \nThe Border Patrol Agent tells him, \"The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.\" \nThe Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, \"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 788,
"rating": 3.2
},
{
"body": "A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, \"I'll take the cold chili.\" \"I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl,\" says the waitress. \"Oh. I'll just have coffee, then.\" After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, \"Are you going to eat that?\" The other man replies, \"No.\" \"Would you sell it to me?\" \"You can have it for free if you want it.\" So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, \"That's about as far as I got, too.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 789,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "An explorer in the deepest amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says to himself: \"I'm screwed\". There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: \"No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bach the head of the chief\". So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bach in the heads of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their gaces. The coice booms out again: \"Okay NOW your'e screwed!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 790,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An English tourist went to Texas, He got off the bus in Fort Worth, and asked, \"Where's a good place to eat?\" A man said, \"Right down the road is a men's club.\" The man didn't realize they had a swimming pool, a work-out room, indoor squash, and racquetball. He just walked to the restaurant door and said to the waitress, \"Lady, bring me a steak and a coke.\" The waitress brought out a mug that was 12 inches in diameter and 1 1/2 feet tall. The man said, \"I just wanted a coke, not the whole factory!\" She said, \"Mister, this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas.\" Soon she came back with his steak, and it hung over all sides of a huge Sizzling platter. He said, \"Lady, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!\" She said, \"Mister, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in Texas.\" He finally finished his meal and asked the waitress, \"Which way to the toilet?\" She said, \"It's down the hall, third door on the right.\" The man absentmindedly turned into the third door on the left and, with one step, fell into the swimming pool. \"Help! Help!\" he screamed. \"Don't flush it!\"",
"category": "State Jokes",
"id": 791,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, \"How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?\"The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, \"I'm drowning, you moron!\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 792,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. \"Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell.\" \"That sounds fair,\" Gates replied. \"May I have a look at hell first?\" And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell. \"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!\" exclaimed Bill. \"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you.\" \"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?\" \"Yep. With no bugs, Bill.\" \"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?\" (Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) \"Like this!\" \"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!\" replies, Gates. And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit. \"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?\" cries Gates. \"Oh that, that was just a demo...\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 793,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.The employee said, \"If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you.\" The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.Harold says, \"This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?\"The employee says, \"No, this dog is special; he knows karate.\"\"Karate? I don't believe it,\" Harold says.The employee puts the dog down and says, \"Karate the sign.\" And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.The employee then says, \"Karate the chair.\" And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.\"I'll take him,\" he says.When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, \"This little thing, a watch dog? No way.\" Harold says, \"But this dog knows karate.\"\"Karate,\" she yells. \"Karate my ass!\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 794,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. \"Where the hell have you been all night?\" she demands.\"At this fantastic new bar,\" he says. \"The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!\" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.\"Is this the Golden Saloon?\" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. \"Yes it is,\" bartender answers. \"Do you have huge golden doors?\" \"Sure do.\" \"Do you have golden floors?\" \"Most certainly do.\" \"What about golden urinals?\" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, \"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 795,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance \nand the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk. \n\n\"So, what are you doing right now?\" asks the father. \n\n\"I am a theology scholar,\" replies the fiance. \n\n\"Do you have any plans of employment?\" \n\n\"I will study and God will provide.\" \n\n\"What about the children?\" asks the man. \n\n\"God will provide.\" \n\n\"And your house and car?\" \n\n\"Again, God will provide,\" says the fiance. \n\nAfter the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, \"So what did you two \ntalk about?\" \n\nThe man replies, \"He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, \nhe thinks I'm God.\"",
"category": "School",
"id": 796,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle decided to give them a real treat. \"Why don't you grab a gun, take my prized hunting dogs, and go have some fun shooting?\" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. \"How did you enjoy that?\" asked the uncle. \"It was great!\" exclaimed the nephew. \"Got any more dogs?\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 797,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, \"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . .\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 798,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.\n\nA middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25-cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.\n\nAs soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: \"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before -it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?\"\n\n\"Oh, good heavens, no\", the man replies, \"I work for the IRS.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 799,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman int he back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner. \"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah....\" At this point the mini owner interrupted. \"But do you have a video in there?\" The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo. A few days passed, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out. \"I installed a VCR in my limo,\" said the businessman proudly. \"What!?!' the mini-man responded. \"You got me out of the shower for THAT?\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 800,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did Kobe Bryant buy a dictionary?A: To figure out what part of \"no\" he doesn't understand. Q: Why is Kobe Bryant so confident that he'll rebound well after this scandal?A: Because he'll be the tallest player on the prison team. Q: Why is Kobe Bryant stacking money in his backyard?A: To practice jumping bail. Q: Why has Kobe Bryant started smoking a little pot?A: To help him prepare for the Big Joint. Q: Why does Kobe wear goggles during sex?A: To keep the mace out of his eyes. Q: What do Gigli and Kobe Bryant have in common?A: Both leave people in tears feeling screwed. Q: Who's the head lawyer on Kobe's legal team?A: The one with dirt on his knees. Q: Why is Kobe Bryant so worried about jury prejudice during his trial?A: Cuz no one likes a rapist. Q: How is Kobe Bryant spending his free time this summer?A: By adding a second bedroom to the dog house. Q: Why did Kobe add the letter \"O\" to his bracelet?A: So it would stand for: \"What Would O.J. Do?\". Q: Why did Kobe buy his wife such a huge diamond?A: Because the weight of it slows down her punches. Q: What did Shaq say when he heard of Kobe's marital infidelity?A: Kobe making a pass? She must be lying. Q: What did President Bush say when he heard that Sprite might drop Kobe?A: \"Who cares, I'm a coke man myself.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 801,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, \"Ok, old fellow, time to retire.\"The old rooster says, \"You can't handle all these chickens . . look at what it did to me!\"The young rooster replies, \"Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.\"The old rooster says, \"Aw, c'mon . . .just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you.\"The young rooster says, \"Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!\"The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, \"I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop.\"The young rooster says, \"You know I'm going to beat you, old man,so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start.\"They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck \"Go!\" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!......he blows the young rooster to bits.He sadly shakes his head and says, \"Damnit, third gay rooster I bought this week!\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 802,
"rating": 4.4
},
{
"body": "One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. \n\nThe frog called for the two to stop and said, \"Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first.\" The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, \"I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female.\" \n\nFor his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. \n\nIt was the bear's second turn for a wish. \"Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well.\" \n\nThe rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike. \n\nFor the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, \"I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female.\" \n\nThe rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, \"I wish that the bear was gay.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 803,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to thesame sleeping room on a transcontinental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two aretired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, \"Ma'am, I'msorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet toget me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.\"\"I have a better idea,\" she replies. \"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.\"\"Wow! That's a great idea!!\" he exclaims.\"Good,\" she replies. \"Get your own damn blanket!\"After a moment of silence, he farted.",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 804,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, \"I hate playing with your Dad.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 805,
"rating": 4.8
},
{
"body": "A young woman, who was at her father's funeral, asked her mother, \"Mom, how did Dad die?\" Her mom replied, \"Heart attack.\" \"What was he doing?\" the daughter asked. Her mother said, \"Well, we were having sex.\"\n\nThis infuriated the daughter, because they were both 80 years old. The daughter said, \"You guys are 80 years old! You should have expected something like this! You're way too old to be engaging in this sort of activity!\" The mom replied, \"Well, you see, years ago, we realized that at noon every day, the church bells rang. So, we decided to work along to that nice, slow rhythm so that your father wouldn't have a heart attack. It worked for years too.\nThat poor guy... he'd still be alive today if that darned Ice Cream truck hadn't come along...\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 806,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "John was on his way to work. He got on his bus and sat down. After a while there is a small bump. John; \"What was that?\" Driver; \"It was a cat\" John; \"Why did you run it over?\" Driver; \"Well it was either that or swerve into the tree at the side of the road and kill us all!\" John; \"Oh, fair enough\" A little farthur down the road the bus swerves suddenly and a bigger bump shakes the bus. John; \"What was that!!?\" Driver; \"It was a dog\" John; \"Why did you run it over?\" Driver \"I couldn't help it, I tried to swerve but I hit it by accident\" John; \"That's awful but I suppose you did try to swerve\" The bus continued on its journey but later on it swerved again and there was a small bump followed by a large thud. John; \"What is it this time?\" Driver; \"I hit an old lady\" John; \"Oh my god. Is she alright? Driver; \"No she's lying in a pool of blood by the side of the road.\" John; \"I can't believe this! Why did this have to happen on my journey.\" The driver called for an ambulence and the bus set off again. When John got off the bus, he asked the driver: \"If the big bump was the old lady, what was the small one?\" The driver simply replied \"I had to go on the pavement to get her!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 807,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle \ncorporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter \ntold Arthur, \"since you've been such a good man and your \nmotorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can \nhang out with anyone you want in heaven.\"\n\nArthur thought about it for a minute and then said, \"I want to \nhang out with God.\"\n\nSo Arthur asked God \" Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?\"\n\nGod said, \"ah, yes.\"\n\n\"Well,\" said Arthur, \"professional to professional, you have some \nmajor design flaws in your invention:\n\n1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.\n\n2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.\n\n3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.\n\n4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.\n\n5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.\"\n\n\"Hmmm, you may have some good points there,\" replied God, \n\"hold on.\" so God went to his celestial super computer, typed in \na few words, and waited for the results.\n\nThe computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.\n\n\"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,\" God tells Arthur,\n\"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention \nthan yours\".",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 808,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, \"Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 809,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.\nAt the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.\n\n\"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?\" asked one of the three Englanders.\n\n\"Watch and you'll see,\" answers one of the Scotsmen.\n\nThey all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, \"Ticket, please.\" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.\n\nThe English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.\n\n\"How are you going to travel without a ticket,\" asks one perplexed Englishman.\n\n\"Watch and you'll see,\" says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby.\n\nThe train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, \"Ticket, please.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 810,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 811,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented \nupon what a wise people the Chinese are.\n\"Yes,\" replied the Chinese, \"Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But,\n you Jews are a very wise people, too.\"\nThe Jewish man replied, \"Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old.\"\nThe Chinese man was incredulous, \"That's impossible,\" he replied. \"Where did your people eat for a thousand years?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 812,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons.The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, \"What do you want on your back for your whipping?\"The Canadian responds, \"I will take oil!\"So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican,\"What do you want on your back?\"\"I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!\" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks:\"What will you take on your back?\"And he responds - \" I'll take the Mexican! \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 813,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says \"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.\" Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, \"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?\" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies \"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.\" Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, \"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.\" Again, Johnny instantly replies, \"Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.\" By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, \"Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?\" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says \"Well, we've been lucky so far...\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 814,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. \n\n\"What was that for?\" he asked. \n\n\"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,\" she replied. \n\n\"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,\" he explained. \n\n\"Oh honey, I'm sorry,\" she said. \"I should have known there was a good explanation.\" \n\nThree days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, \"What the hell was that for?\" \n\nShe replied, \"Your horse called.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 815,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. \n\nThe fireman says \"Hey little girl. What are you doing?\" \n\nThe little girl says \"I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!\" \n\nThe fireman walks over to take a closer look. \"Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!\" the fireman says. \n\n\"Thanks mister\" says the little girl. \n\nThe fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. \n\n\"Little girl\", says the fireman, \"I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster.\" \n\nThe little girl says, \"You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 816,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. \"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once\" John explained. \"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!\" Bob shouted angrily. \"Sure it will\" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. \"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 817,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "This guy sits down at the bar and orders 5 shots of tequila and downs them straight. The bartender impressed asks \"Hey buddy did you have a long day?\" \n\nThe man replies that he just found out that his brother was gay and leaves. \n\nThe next day the same guy comes in and orders ten shots. The bartender asks if he is still dealing with his brothers sexual orientation and the man replies \"No i just found out my son is gay too.\" \n\nThe bartender is appropriatly sympathetic and the man leaves. \n\nThe third night the man comes in and orders 25 shots and downs them all. Stunned the bartender asks \"Damn man doesn't anyone in your family likes women?\"\n\nThe man forcefully replies \"Well apparently my wife does!\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 818,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl, and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, \"I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?\"He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, \"What is her name?\"He answers, \"Monica Lewinsky.\"There is a pause, then his mother asks, \"What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 819,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, \"Help, Help me!\", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, \"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 820,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.\n\nThey approached one of the gas pumps and one of the aliens addressed it.\n\n\"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.\"\n\nThe gas pumps of course didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun and said impatiently, \"Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I'll fire!\"\n\nThe other alien shouted to his comrade, \"No, you don't want to make him mad!\"\n\nBut before he finished his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, \"What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?\" \n\nThe other alien answered, \"If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a pecker he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 821,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A farmer had three very beautiful daughters. One friday they all had dates, as they do every friday. Well the very protective farmer was sitting in the living room watching television that friday when the doorbell rang. He opened the door to see a man which was clearly one of the girls dates. Well the man says \"My name's Sam and im here for Pam and we're going to go jam\". So the father okays everything and calls his daughter down. the couple leaves. Ten minutes later the doorbell rings and there is another man. He says \"My name's Freddy and im here for betty and we're going to go eat some spaghetti\". Once again the farmer okays everything and they go along on their merry way. Ten minutes later the door belll rings again and the farmer opens the door.The Farmer says you must be here for Cindy. The man at the door says \"Yes actually, my name's Chuck and were going to go-\" The farmer shot him.",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 822,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said: \n\n\"I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son.\" \n\n\"Oh, that's ok,\" he said. \n\n\"I know it's silly,\" she continued, \"but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy.\" The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out \"Goodbye Mother.\" The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled. \n\nPleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries. \n\n\"That'll be 105 dollars 35,\" said the clerk. \n\n\"How come?\" inquired the man. \"I've only bought a few things!\" \n\n\"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her...\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 823,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "An American was backpacking across the highlands, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual.\"Ya see that fence out there?\" The old man asked the backpacker. \"I built that fence with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the fence builder? No!\"\"And that church out there. I hoisted the bell up to the top with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the church builder? No!\"And that bridge. I put it together stone by stone. But ya think they call me MacGregor the bridge builder? No!\"\"But ya screw one goat...\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 824,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 825,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.\n\nHowever, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, \"May I please use the restroom?\n\nThe bartender replied, \"I really don't think you should..\" \"Why not?\" the nun asked.\n\n\"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf.\"\n\n\"Nonsense,\" said the nun, \"I'll just look the other way.\"\n\nSo, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.\n\nShe went to the bartender and said, \"Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?\"\n\n\"Well, now they know you're one of us,\" said the bartender, \"Would you like a drink?\"\n\n\"But, I still don't understand,\" said the puzzled nun.\n\n\"You see,\" laughed the bartender, \"every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 826,
"rating": 4.75
},
{
"body": "December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.\n\nDecember 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.\n\nDecember 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.\n\nDecember 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.\n\nDecember 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.\n\nDecember 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.\n\nDecember 7 Debug Windows '98\n\nDecember 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.\n\nDecember 11 Lay Faberge egg.\n\nDecember 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.\n\nDecember 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.\n\nDecember 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.\n\nDecember 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade \"holiday scents\" in case tires are shot out at mall.\n\nDecember 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana.\n\nDecember 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.\n\nDecember 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.\n\nDecember 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.\n\nDecember 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.\n\nDecember 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.\n\nDecember 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.\n\nDecember 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri.\n\nDecember 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.\n\nDecember 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.\n\nDecember 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes.\n\nDecember 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers.\n\nDecember 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station.\n\nDecember 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes.\n\nJanuary 1 Stay out of jail.",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 827,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A man walks along a lonely beach. suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN !Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE !So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 !He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26.The deep voice says: Damn.",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 828,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "God called down to Adam, \"My child, I have noticed you are lonely down there, so I want you to meet someone. Come and see, I call her woman, her name is Eve...\"Adam came to see her, he then returned to speak with God, hardly able to contain his excitement,\"Oh, father, she is so beautiful, her shining blonde hair, and those gorgeous eyes! Why did you make her so beautiful?\"God answered, \"So that you would love her my son. But check out the smell of that shining blonde hair....\"Adam leaves and later returns to speak with God, \"Oh my Lord, she smells like the flowers in the garden of Eden in the sunshine just after the rain. Why did you make her smell so good God?\" he answered....and again God answered him,.\"So that you would love her my son....she will keep you company when you feel like you need a friend. Go forth and enjoy her my son, see how much fun you can have together\"Hours later, Adam returns, completely shagged out,\"Father, she has many great qualities, the sex was great,she can please me greatly physically, I enjoyed that immensely, but Father, why is she so dumb?\" to which God replied, \"So that she would love you my son\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 829,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, \"George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?\" George replied, \"God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!)the light goes off when I'm done.\" \"Wow,\" commented Dr. Smith, \"that's incredible!\" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. \"Thelma,\" he said,\" George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?\" Thelma exclaimed, \"That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 830,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN\n\nBetween 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. \n\nBetween 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash. \n\nBetween 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. \n\nBetween 36 and 40 a woman is like Italy. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. \n\nBetween 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. \n\nBetween 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. \n\nBetween 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future. \n\nAfter 70, they become like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.\n\nTHE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN \n\nBetween 13 and 80 a man is like the US - ruled by a dick.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 831,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "A man goes to the doctor and says, \"Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?\"\"I think that is a wise decision,\" the doctor replies. \"Let's see, do you smoke?\"\"Oh.. Half a pack a day.\"\"Starting NOW, no more smoking.\" The man agrees.The doctor then asks, \"Do you drink?\"\"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.\"\"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.\"The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.The doctor asks, \"How do you eat?\"\"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.\"\"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.\"The man is now really worried. \"Doc, is all this really necessary?\"\"Do you want to live long?\"\"Yes.\"\"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet.\" The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, \"Do you have sex?\"\"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!\" he adds hurriedly.\"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None.\"The man is appalled. \"Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?\"\"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 832,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, \"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.\"\"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.\"\"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 833,
"rating": 4.8
},
{
"body": "A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,\"How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!\"and hangs up.\n Her husband rolls over and asks,\"Sweetheart, who was that?\"\n \"I don't know,some idiot asking if the coast is clear.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 834,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!!! \tThe very angry looking Genie said, ''Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!'' \tThe suprised man said, ''OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.'' \tThe genie replied with a smirk, ''Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen.'' \tThe man said, ''Fine then, I want to understand women.'' \tThe genie said, '' Would you like two lanes or four?''",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 835,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Q: How does Michael Jackson know it's time for bed? A: When the big hand touches the little hand...",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 836,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.The results showed a reading of 0.0.The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, \"Tonight I'm the designated decoy.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 837,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some. \n\nThe first man came back and said to the king, \"I brought ten apples.\" \n\nThe king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his butt without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. \n\nThe second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his butt. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven. \n\nThe first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, \"Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!\" \n\nThe second one replied, \"I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 838,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The World's Shortest Books--------------------------- \"My Plan To Find The Real Killers\" by O.J. Simpson - The Difference between Reality and Dilbert - Human Rights Advances in China - \"Things I Wouldn't Do for Money\" by Dennis Rodman - Al Gore: The Wild Years - Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean - America's Most Popular Lawyers - Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors - Detroit - A Travel Guide - Different Ways to Spell \"Bob\" - Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches - Easy UNIX - Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance - Everything Men Know About Women - Everything Women Know About Men - French Hospitality - \"The Book of Virtues\" by Bill Clinton - George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names - \"How to Sustain a Musical Career\" by Art Garfunkel - Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette - \"One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes\" by the EPA - Staple Your Way to Success The Amish Phone Directory - The Engineer's Guide to Fashion",
"category": "Money",
"id": 839,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Martha Stewart Vs. Real Women:\n\n\nMARTHA STEWART \n\nIf you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant \"fix-me-up. \n\nREAL WOMEN \n\nIf you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: \"I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.\" \n----------------------------------------------------------------- \n\nMARTHA STEWART \nCure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. \nREAL WOMEN \nTake a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares? \n----------------------------------------------------------------- \n\nMARTHA STEWART \nStuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. \n\nREAL WOMEN \nJust suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway. \n----------------------------------------------------------------- \n\nMARTHA STEWART \nTo keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. \nREAL WOMEN \nBuy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for \nup to a year. \n----------------------------------------------------------------- \n\nMARTHA STEWART \nWhen a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. \nREAL WOMEN \nGo to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you. \n----------------------------------------------------------------- \n\nMARTHA STEWART \nBrush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. \nREAL WOMEN \nThe Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it. \n----------------------------------------------------------------- \n\nMARTHA STEWART \nIf you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. \nREAL WOMEN \nGo ask the very cute neighbor to do it. \n----------------------------------------------------------------- \n\nAnd finally the most important tip - \nMARTHA STEWART \nDon't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. \nREAL WOMEN \nLeftover wine??",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 840,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed, \"Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?\" \"Nothing,\" sighed the little guy despondently. \"You see, today has been the worst day of my life. This morning I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was furious and so he sacked me. I cleared my desk, went to my car, only to discover that it wasn't there - somebody had stolen it. So I got a taxi home, but when it came to paying the driver I realised I'd forgotten my wallet. I then went into my house and I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about ending it all, you came along and drank my poison...\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 841,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "After my plane landed I proceeded to the airport baggage area. To my\ndismay there was no sign of my bags. I went to the lost luggage office\nand told the woman there that my bags never showed up.\n\n\"Not to worry,\" she smiled as she took a description of my bags. \" Your\nluggage is in good hands. We're trained professionals.\"\n\n\"Now,\" she asked, \"has your plane arrived yet?\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 842,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Top Signs You Have A Drinking Problem\n\n1 You lose arguments with inanimate\nobjects.\n2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep\nfrom falling off the earth\n3 Job interfering with your drinking.\n4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in\nyour alcohol stream.\n5 Career won't progress beyond Senator\nfrom Massachusettes.\n6 The back of your head keeps getting hit\nby the toilet seat.\n7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the\nelusive 5th food group.\n8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case -\ncoincidence?? - I think not!\n9 Two hands and just one mouth... - now\nTHAT'S a drinking problem!\n10 \"Norm!\" is what they say when you\nenter the bar.\n11 When you can focus better with one eye\nclosed\n12 The parking lot seems to have moved\nwhile you were in the bar\n13 Every woman you see has an exact twin.\n14 You wake up to find Windows 95\ninstalled on your machine.\n15 If you keep asking your wife \"where\nare the kids?\", but you don't really have\na wife and you're talking to the\nrefridgerator.\n16 You fall off the floor.\n17 You discover in the morning liquid\ncleaning supplies have disappeared.\n18 Your twin sons are named Barley and\nHops.\n19 Had \"Spuds McKenzie\" tattoo removed,\nreplaced it with \"Red Dog.\"\n20 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories\nas a burger, screw dinner!\n21 Beer: it's not just for breakfast\nanymore.\n22 The glass keeps missing your mouth.\n23 Bill Clinton starts to make sense.\n24 When you go to donate blood and they\nask what proof?\n25 Vampires get woozy after biting you.\n26 The only drinking problem is not\nhaving a drink right now.\n27 At AA meeting you begin: \"Hi, my name\nis... uh...\"\n28 Your idea of cutting back is less\nseltzer.\n29 When vomiting becomes a relief.\n30 Having a hard time staying on the side\nwalk - left, right, stumble, fall\n31 You wake up in the bedroom, your\nunderwear is in the bathroom.\n32 Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!\n33 You think, Four Basic Food Groups are\nCaffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.\n34 Every night you're beginning to find\nyour roomate's cat more attractive.\n35 Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence\nof incohol.\n36 Waking up with a traffic cone between\nyour legs.\n37 No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're\njust sober...\n38 Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall\ndown....No Problem\n39 If on a diet, you cut back your food\ncalories to allow for alcohol calories.\n40 Take me drunk, I'm home!\n41 The bottle's empty...that's the\nproblem!\n42 Find yourself as the captain for the\nExxon Valdez.\n43 You wake up naked lying in the corner\nof a bus depot.\n44 Roseanne looks good.\n45 Don't recognize wife unless seen\nthrough bottom of bottle.\n46 You drink to get over a hangover.\n47 That damned pink elephant followed me\nhome again.\n48 You are the proud owner of a porcelain\nbus driver's liscense.\n49 The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.\n50 Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake\ntheir heads when they walk past you.\n51 You have a reserved parking space at\nthe A&P.\n52 I'm as jober as a sudge!\n53 You consider yourself a workaholic,\nbecuase every time you go to work, you\nwant to have a beer!\n54 I slept with that damned pink elephant\nagain.\n55 Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground\nin circles after biting you.\n56 Newt Gingrich.... he's soooo sexy.\n57 You find yourself in a room on a train\narriving in Tiajuana and the last thing\nyou remember is being in a bar in NYC!\n58 Your name is Ted Kennedy.\n59 You wake up in Korea in August and the\nlast thing you remember is the Fourth of\nJuly party in Waikiki.\n60 Red dog upside down looks like batman\neating a catwoman.\n61 You've fallen and you can't/(don't\nwant to) get up.\n62 You don't drink. (That's a problem!)\n63 When hangovers become an attractive\nalternative lifestyle.\n64 BeerTender! Get me another Bar!\n65 Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join\nAA.\n66 The shrubbery's drunk from frequent\nwatering.\n67 Do you take this woman..\n68 You wake up too groggy to come up with\nanything funny for this damn list.\n69 You realize you have shaved your head\nexcept for a little rat tail hanging\nfrom the top and you're pestering people\nto buy incense & crap.\n70 Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie,\nand Jose.\n71 Double vision so much the norm, you\ncan't function w/o it.\n72 You listen to the radio and start\ndancing to hootie and the blowfish.\n73 Because you're not as think you are\ndrunk I am...\n74 salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates -\nyes, alcohol is the fifth food group.\n75 Your favorite drink is ethanol.\n76 Why does everybody think I have a\nprinking droblem?!\n77 You can't remember what your family\nlooks like... or if you have a family.\n78 You wake up surrounded by 50 dented\ncases of SPAM.\n79 You like SPAM.\n80 You get defensive when someone asks if\nyou have drinking problem.\n81 Haven't stopped drinking since Carter\ngot elected.\n82 I don't have a drinking prob.. pleb..\nprub..hic Pash me another, tarbender.\n83 You spend a whole night holding up\nwalls to prevent their (your) collapse.\n84 The opposite wall is covered with\nceiling tiles and there are rows of light\nfixtures.\n85 When you feel drunk is feeling\nsophisticated when you can't say it.\n86 When you feel that beauty lies in the\nhands of the beer holder.\n87 When you read about the evils of\ndrinking, and give up reading.\n88 When you feel reality is an illusion\nthat occurs due to the lack of alcohol.",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 843,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "One day, at a New York Restaurant, a man suddenly called out, \"My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!\"A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.\"Thank you! Thank you!\" the father cried. \"Are you a paramedic?\"\"No,\" replied the man. \"I work for the IRS.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 844,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The phone rings at FBI headquarters. \"Hello?\" \"Hello, is this FBI?\" \"Yes. What do you want?\" \"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.\" \"This will be noted.\" Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave. The phone rings at Tom's house. \"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?\" \"Yeah!\" \"Did they chop your firewood?\" \"Yeah they did.\" \"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 845,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. \"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,\" one says, \"but we have no one to go to with our own problems.\" \"Since we're all professionals,\" another suggests, \"why don't we hear each other out right now?\"They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, \"I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.\" The second admits, \"I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.\" The third psychiatrist says, \"I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 846,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seenmany books on the subject, and finally, aftergetting all the necessary \"tools\" together, she made for the nearest frozen body of water.After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, \"THEREARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!\" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,poured a Thermos of cappuccino. And began to cutyet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, \"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!\" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down tothe opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. \"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!\" She stopped, looked skyward,and said, \"Is that you, Lord?\" The voice replied, \"No...this is the manager of the hockey rink...\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 847,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the stillshaking driver said, \"I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.\" The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn'trealize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, \"No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 848,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, \"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.\"\n\n\"Odd,\" her companion replies, \"but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.\"\n\nNodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and\n they both walk towards the cart.\n\n\"Two dogs, please,\" she says.\n\nThe vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil\n and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench\nand begin to unwrap their \"dogs.\"\n\nThe Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,\n staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, \"What part did you get?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 849,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "Things people actually said in court, word for word: Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, \"where am I Cathy?\" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well I can see pretty well I think. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Q: Did he kill you? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, do they go up also? Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, sir. Q: And you took your new wife? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 850,
"rating": 4.6
},
{
"body": "Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, \"That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.\" After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, \"That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you.\" Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, \"Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 851,
"rating": 4.56
},
{
"body": "Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident and as Jeff arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. \"Where's my friend Mike?\"...Jeff asks the old Saint. St. Peter replies...\"Mike wasn't as fortunate as you, instead of Heaven, he went in the other direction.\" Jeff was deeply concerned by this and asks... \"well could I see Mike just one more time?\" St. Peter agreed to this, so they walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. Jeff notices Mike with a sexy blonde on one side of him and a keg of beer on the other. \"I really don't mean to complain\"...Jeff says... \"but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down in Hell.\" \"Look a little closer\"...says St. Peter...\"for that keg has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 852,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aeroplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.\"So, did you jump?\" the father asked.\"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!\"\"Is that when you jumped?\" asked the father.\"Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.\"\"Did you jump then?\" asked the father.\"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my arse.\"\"So, did you jump?\"\"Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 17 stone. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and exposed himself. He said, Boy, either you jump out of that door, or you and i are going to have some wild time\". \"So, did you jump?\" asked the father. \"Well, a little, at first.\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 853,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. \"I'm as sober as you are, your honor,\" the man claimed.\n\nThe judge replied, \"Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 854,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.\n\nThe ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy. \n\n\"I'll only marry you under three conditions.\" \n\n\"Anything, anything,\" said the ambassador.\n\n\"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.\"\n\nWithout hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, \"Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!\" \n\nThe secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.\n\n\"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France.\" \n\nThe ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, \"Yes, yes, I build, I build!\" \n\nThe secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. \n\n\"Finally,\" she said. \"I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch member.\"\n\nA sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, \"Ok, ok, I''' cut half of it off!\"",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 855,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.Lady 1: What's that?Lady 2: A condom.Lady 1: Where'd you get it?Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.\"Doesn't matter,\" she replied, \"as long as it fits a Camel.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 856,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.\u201d I\u2019m not getting out of bed at this time,\" he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.\"Hi there,\" slurs the stranger, \"Can you give me a push?\" \"No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed,\" says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, \"That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?\"\"But the guy was drunk,\" says the husband.\"It doesn't matter,\" says the wife.\u201d He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.\" So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, He shouts, \"Hey, do you still want a push?\"And he hears a voice cry out, \"Yeah, please.\"So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, \"Where are you?\" The drunk replies, \"Over here, on the swing.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 857,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says \"You're not from round here are ya?\"\n\n\"No\" replied the man, \"I'm from Pensylvania.\" The bartender looks at him and syas \"Well what do you do in Pensylvania?\"\n\n\"I'm a taxidermist.\" said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked \"What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?\" The man looked at the bar tender and said \"Well, I mount dead animals.\"\n\nThe bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him \"It's okay, boys! He's one of us!\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 858,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A guy goes into a store and says to the clerk, \"I\"d like some Polish Sausage.\" \n\nThe clerk looks at him and says \"Are you Polish?\" \n\nThe guy says \"Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian, or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?? If I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?\"\n\nThe clerk says \"Well, no.\" \n\nThe guy says \"Then, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage??\" \n\nThe clerk says \"Because this is a hardware store.\"",
"category": "Ethnic Jokes",
"id": 859,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "What to do when your dinner is interrupted:- Ask them if they've got beer- Start speaking in tongues- Tell them that person doesn't live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number- Tell them that you're not there right now- Ask them if they accept coupons- Start selling them something else- If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you're poor and ask for money instead- Start preaching your religion to them- Pretend you're a recording and say \"The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4.\" Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.- Try to hypnotise the telemarketer- Play a recording of a busy signal- Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo.- Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.- Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice- Rap all your replies to the telemarketer's questions, especially if you're white.- Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if you're ever used this kind of ketchup you'll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)- Speak in ragga chant- Try to rhyme with everything the telemarketer says- Tell the TM that the person he/she is trying to reach is a victim of black magic and has been turned into a poodle.- Tell the TM that the person s/he is trying to reach has passed on, and that you're the ghost of him/her.- Sell them on the \"value of high colonics\". Explain your \"dedication to good health\" in your most convincing, passionate voice.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 860,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.\nIt doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, \"Jeesh, I wonder what\nhappened to this Parrot?\"\n\nThe parrot says, \"I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.\"\n\n\"Holy crap,\" the guy replies. \"You actually understood and answered me!\"\n\n\"I got every word,\" says the parrot. \"I happen to be a highly intelligent\nthoroughly educated bird.\"\n\n\"Oh yeah?\" the guy asks, \"Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your\nperch without any feet?\"\n\n\"Well,\" the parrot says, \"this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I\nwrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it\nbecause of my feathers.\"\n\n\"Wow,\" says the guy. \"You really can understand and speak English can't\nyou?\"\n\n\"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with\nreasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,\nphysics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought\nto buy me. I'd be a great companion.\"\n\nThe guy looks at the $200 price tag. \"Sorry, but I just can't afford that.\"\n\n\"Pssssssst,\" says the parrot, \"I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants\nme cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make\nthe guy an offer!\"\n\nThe guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot\nis sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a\ngreat pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.\nThe guy is delighted.\n\nOne day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, \"psssssssssssst,\"\nand motions him over with one wing. \"I don't know if I should tell you this\nor not, but it's about your wife and the postman.\"\n\n\"What are you talking about?\" asks the guy.\n\n\"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the\ndoor in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately.\"\n\n\"WHAT???\" the guy asks incredulously. \"THEN what happened?\"\n\n\"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and\nbegan petting her all over,\" reported the parrot.\n\n\"Oh No!,\" he exclaims. \"Then what?\"\n\n\"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her\nall over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down....\"\n\n\"WELL,\" demands the frantic guy, \"THEN WHAT HAPPENED?\"\n\n\"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 861,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?\n\nHog and kisses! \n\n\nWhat would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love?\n\nA stupid cupid! \n\nWhy did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?\n\nIt was Valenswine's Day! \n\nDo skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?\n\nSure, they're very scent-imental! \n\nWhat did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?\n\nA hug and a quiche! \n\n\nWhat did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?\n\n\"I'm sweet on you!\" \n\nWhat did the paper clip say to the magnet?\n\n\"I find you very attractive.\" \n\nWhat would you call a woman who goes out with Jon?\n\nDesperate! \n\n\nWhat did one pickle say to the other?\n\n\"You mean a great dill to me.\" \n\n\nKnock, Knock!\nWho's there?\nOlive.\nOlive who?\nOlive you! \n\nWhat did the elephant say to his girlfriend?\n\n\"I love you a ton!\" \n\n\nWhat did the bat say to his girlfriend?\n\n\"You're fun to hang around with.\" \n\n\nDid you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?\n\nHe fell in love with a pincushion! \n\n\nWhat did the pencil say to the paper?\n\n\"I dot my i's on you!\" \n\n\nLiz: \"I can't be your valentine for medical reasons.\"\nJon: \"Really?\"\nLiz: \"Yeah, you make me sick!\" \n\n\nWhy did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?\n\nShe didn't suit his taste!",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 862,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, \"Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?\" The bartender quickly replied, \"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 863,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "\"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line. If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 864,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Here are some comback answers:------------------------------You haven't asked yet. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. Because I just love hearing this question. Just lucky, I guess. It gives my mother something to live for. My fianc\u00e9e is awaiting his/her parole. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon? I'm waiting until I get to be your age. It didn't seem worth a blood test. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. Why aren't you thin? I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 865,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied \"I don't know, it all happened so fast.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 866,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: \u201cThat's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!\u201d The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: \u201cThe driver just insulted me!\u201d The man says: \u201cYou go right up there and tell him off \u2013 go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.\u201d",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 867,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune....\n\n\"One US soldier is better than ten Taliban\"\n\nThe Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then ssilence. The voice then call out.....\n\n\"One US soldier is better than one hundred Taliban\"\n\nFurious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again....\n\n\"One US soldier is better than one thousand Taliban\".\n\nThe enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.\n\nEventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with\nhis dying words tells his commander..... \"Don't send any more men....it's a trap....there's two of them!\"...",
"category": "Military",
"id": 868,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Dear Dad,$chool i$ really great. I've made lot$ of friend$ and am $tudying hard. With all my $tuff i $imply can't think of anything i need, $o if you would like you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.Love, your $on.Reply from Dad..Dear Son,I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study hard eNOughLove, Dad.",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 869,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday, and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Eachboy just shrugged and went to the two different parts of the building.As each sat down, they read the first question.\"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.\"At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.Then, the test continued.\"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was\"...",
"category": "School",
"id": 870,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "A guy and his wife enter the hospital and explain to the doctors that she is about to give birth. They take her into a room and a few minutes later, the doctor comes out and tells the guy, \"Your baby is OK but it looks like he'll be born without a leg.\" He goes back into the room and about 20 minutes later he comes back out and says to the guy, \"I have bad news, the baby is gonna be born with no legs, no arms and no nose.\" The guy is very upset but says, \"At least he's alive.\" The doctor goes back into the room. The guy is getting impatient and after about an hour the doctor hears the guy calling him. The doctor back out and says to the guy, \"I have very bad news, the baby is just an ear.\" The guy, who is distraught by now, says almost jokingly, \"At least it couldn't get any worse.\" The doctor then says, \"Yes it can, he's also deaf.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 871,
"rating": 1.33
},
{
"body": "John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of \nLent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating \ncold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it \nanymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, \"You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic.\" \n\nThe men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, \nand just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting \nsmell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! \n\nWHAT WAS GOING ON?\n\nThey called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first \nFriday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, \"You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 872,
"rating": 3.86
},
{
"body": "A curious eleven year old boy asked his mother, \"is God male or female?\" She hesitates for a brief moment, and responds, \"God is both male and female.\" Still curious, he asked...\"is God black or white?\" She responds along the same line...\"God's both black and white.\" Finally, the boy asks...\"is God gay or straight?\" His mother, now concerned, answered...\"honey, God's both gay and straight, why do you ask?\" The confused boy hesitates, then asks..\"mom isGod and Michael Jackson the same person?\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 873,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Three men are sitting at a bar - a Texan, a Californian, and a Coloradoan. The Texan orders a bottle of tequila. When he gets it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the air and *BAM* he shoots it with his .22. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.\"What did you do that for?!\" he shouts, \"That was good tequila!\"The Texan replies, \"Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila and we can throw it away like that.\"The Californian, not to be out done, orders a bottle of fine wine. When he gets it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the air, and *BAM* he shoots it with his semiautomatic. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.\"What did you do that for?!? That was good wine!\" he hollers.The Californian replies, \"Where I come from, we have plenty of wine, and we can throw it away like that.\"The Coloradoan, who has watched all this with interest, orders a Coors. He opens the bottle and takes a sip. Then he takes another sip. And another. Soon he's finished the whole bottle. He's throws it up into the air and pulls out his handgun. Very carefully, he aims, fires, and *BAM* he shoots the Texan. *BAM* he shoots the Californian. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender is now shaking with rage. \"What the **** did you do that for!?!\" he roars. \"Well,\" answers the Coloradoan, \"where I come from, we have PLENTY of Texans and Californians.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 874,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A very rich man had his pool filled with pirahnas. Later on that day he threw a party, and invited anyone who wanted to attend.\nHe said he'll give any man $10,000 if he dares to swim from one end to the other. No one took the offer.\n\"Ok, i'll give any man $10,000 and a brand new car\". Still no one took the offer.\n\"I will give any man $10,000, a brand new car and any lady of their choice at this party\".\nAt the end of the pool, a man jumps in and swims fast across to the other end.\nThe rich man shakes the man's hand and asks, \"do you want the money?\"\n\"No\"\n\"Do you want the car?\"\n\"No\"\n\"Then you want the lady of your choice?\"\n\"No\"\n\"Then what is it that you want???\"\nI want the little b**ch that pushed me in!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 875,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him \nthat they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. \n \nWalking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, \"Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce.\" As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, \"And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.\" \n \nThe manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. \n \nLater the manager said to the boy, \"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.\"\n \n\"Where are you from, son?\" \n \n\"Texas, sir,\" the boy replied. \n \n\"Well, why did you leave Texas?\" the manager asked. \n \nThe boy said, \"Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and football players down there.\" \n \n\"Really?\" said the manager. \"My wife is from Texas.\"\n \n\"No kidding??\" replied the boy. \"Who'd she play for?\"",
"category": "State Jokes",
"id": 876,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, \"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!\"That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!He went home and told his wife, Mary, \"I won the prize for the best toast of the night.\"She said, \"Aye, what was your toast?\"John said, \"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife.\"\"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!\" Mary said.The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, \"John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary.\"She said, \"Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know,he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 877,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "There where three nuns who never did anything wrong. One day the high priest came to them and told them that in order to become better nuns they had to do something bad and then drink from the holy water. So the three nuns went out that same day and did something wrong. The first nun came and the high priest asked her what she did wrong. \" I took a lollipop from a little kid.\" So he let her drink from the holy water. Then the second one came back and the high priest asked her what she did wrong, she said \" I took a balloon from a little kid.\" So he let her drink from the holy water. Then came the third. \"What did you do wrong?\" asked the high priest. \" Well\", she said,\" I peed in the holy water.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 878,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "*During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.*All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.*Beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman; but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.*The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty*Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.*A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.*Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.*If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.*Cars that crash will invariably burst into flames.*Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.*If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.*Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.*A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.*All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.*When in love, it is customary to burst into song.*When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.*One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.*If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.*Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of an invading alien civilization.*Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.*All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.*Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.*When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.*If you are a hero, you never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by your actions.*You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.*Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.*You can tell if somebody is British because he will be wearing a bow tie.*When driving a car, it is normal to look not at the road but rather at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.*Taxi drivers don't require exact or even approximate payment - the first bill you pull from your pocket is always correct.*Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.*Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before retirement.*The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 879,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel \ndies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed \nhis last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand \nseveral yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the \nsand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. \n \nHe opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is \nwearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his \npocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. \n \n\"Well, kid,\" says the genie. \"You know how it works. You have three \nwishes.\" \n \n\"I'm not falling for this.\" Says the man. \"I'm not going to trust an IRS \nauditor.\" \n \n\"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks \nlike you're a goner anyway!\" \n \nThe man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is \nright. \"O K, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.\" \n \n***POOF*** \n \nThe man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And \nhe is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. \n \n\"OK, kid, what's your second wish.\" \n \n\"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.\" \n \n***POOF*** \n \nThe man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold \ncoins and precious gems. \n \n\"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!\" \n \nAfter thinking for a few minutes, the man says \"I wish that no matter \nwhere I go beautiful women will want and need me.\" \n \n***POOF*** \n \nHe is turned into a tampon. \n \nThe moral of the story... If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 880,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. \n\nSitting at a caf\u00e9, the little old man says, \"Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind.\" \n\n\"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,\" replies the little old lady with a grin. \n\n\"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind.\" \n\nThe two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. \n\nThe old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. \n\nWell, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. \n\nReflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, \"I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!\" \n\nThe two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. \n\nHe says, \"Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?\" \n\nThe pensioner replies, \"Son, 50 years ago, that goddamn fence wasn't electrified.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 881,
"rating": 4.11
},
{
"body": "A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him. As a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and she asked how the party was. He said, \"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.\" Then she asked, \"Did you dance much?\" He replied, \"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a really good time!\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 882,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, \"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?\"She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, \"NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!\" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, \"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.\"To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, \"What do you mean $200?!\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 883,
"rating": 3.2
},
{
"body": "Britney Spears had just bought her new car and decided to go shopping with her friend and rival, Christina Aguilera. A few hours later she came out and realizes she had locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do. \n\n\nFinally, Britney looked off into the distance and saw storm cloud. She turned to her friend and said,\" Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the top open!\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 884,
"rating": 2.8
},
{
"body": "An officer is sent to a new base and he meets with one of the soldiers. He says \"everything is alright around here but what's up with the camel?\". The soldier replies \"well the soldiers are lonely and sometimes they get uh...urges\". The Officer is disgusted but thinking it over he replies \"I guess it makes sense, keep it\".A couple of weeks later the officer calls in the soldier and says \"I'm getting restless, send in the camel\". The soldier comes into his tent with the camel and leaves. After the Officer is done with his business and zips up, the soldier walks in and asks \"what were you just doing?\", and the officer replies \"well isn't this how you 'ride' one of these?\". The soldier says \"Well, usually me and the guys ride the camel into town and get some chicks.\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 885,
"rating": 4.14
},
{
"body": "There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, \"Woof Woof\", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, \"Me-ow me-ow\", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. \"Potatoes Potatoes..!\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 886,
"rating": 2.83
},
{
"body": "A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, \"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent.\" The doctor says, \"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week\". The next week the lady returns. \"Doctor,\" she says, \"I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly\". \"Good,\" the doctor said. \"Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 887,
"rating": 3.4
},
{
"body": "Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.\"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?\" asks an accountant. \"Watch and you'll see,\" answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, \"Ticket, please.\" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. \"How are you going to travel without a ticket?\" asked one perplexed accountant.\"Watch and you'll see,\" answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, \"Ticket, please.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 888,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. \"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?\" \n\n\"Sure. Do you know the bulls only impregnate the cows once a year?\" \n\n\"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?\"\n\n\"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?\" \n\n\"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?\" \n\n\"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your breasts twice a day, but only made love to you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 889,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.\nThe first cow said, \"I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty\nscary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the\nJohnson Farm.\" \nThe other cow replies, \"Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks.\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 890,
"rating": 1.75
},
{
"body": "A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. \"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak,\" he says. \n\n\"But sir, what about the mad cow?!\" asks the waiter. \n\n\"Oh,\" answers the man, \"she'll order for herself.\"",
"category": "Food Jokes",
"id": 891,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A nice young man wanted to purchase a Christmas\ngift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long,\nafter some careful consideration, he decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal.\n\nAccompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a\nfine department store and chose a pair of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping, buying a pair of panties for herself. \n\nWhile the clerk was wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties for the young man.\n\nThe young man sealed the package without noticing and sent it to his sweetheart, who opened it on Christmas to find his enclosed note:\n\n\nI chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short ones she wears that are easier to remove.\nThese are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from\nShowed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp.\n\nI wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.\n\nJust think how many times I will kiss them during the coming\nyear. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. \nAll my love. \n\n(P.S... The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 892,
"rating": 3.8
},
{
"body": "A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, \"Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!\" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.\n\nThen they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, \"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!\" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.\n\nThe three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, \"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!\"\n\nThe lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, \"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!\"\n\nThe lion answers, \"That little fruitcake! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he's on ecstasy!\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 893,
"rating": 4.8
},
{
"body": "Two beautiful statues in a park, facing each other across the grass, one of a young girl and the other of a young man, looking towards each other like young lovers. These statues gave so much pleasure to people visiting the park that God looked down and decided to reward them with life for 30 minutes, on a Sunday when the park was closed to the public. Immediately when they came alive, they ran together into the bushes and could be heard giggling and cooing with pleasure and the bushes were shaking. After 15 minutes they came out and realised that they still had 15 minutes more life to live. \"What shall we do now then\" said the boy statue. \"Let's do the same thing again\" she replied. \"Okay\", said the boy statue, \"but this time, you hold the pigeons down while I poop on them\".",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 894,
"rating": 4.4
},
{
"body": "A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, \"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.\" The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. \"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.\" Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, \"All right buddy, what's your name?\" \"Sam,\" the man moaned. \"Where ya from, Sam?\" With pain in his voice Sam replied... \"The balcony.\"Send this joke",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 895,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Dear Santa,I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yer.Yer Frend,BiLLy\nDear Billy,Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn carespecialist. How 'bout I send you a damn book so you can learn to read andwrite? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!Santa******Dear Santa,I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drumkit, pony, and a tuba.Love,Francis\nDear Francis,Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? What a wussie name.Santa*******\nDear Santa,I really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE TimmyTimmy,That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.Santa*******Dearest Santa,We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get in to our home?Love,MarkyMark,First, stop calling yourself 'Marky.' That's why you're getting your butt whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams!Santa******Dear Santa,I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots foryour reindeer outside the backdoor.Love,SusanDear Susan,Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the reindeer fart in my face. You want to be a weasel? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal.Santa******Dear Santa,I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please,I really, really want a fire truck this year.Love,JoeyDear Joey,Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.Santa",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 896,
"rating": 3.25
},
{
"body": "One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, \"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.\"\"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,\" Mike replies. \"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.\"So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.The computer prints the following:1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 897,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Heaven is when you have:* An American salary.* A british home.* Chinese food.* A Swiss economy.* An Italian body.* A Japanese technology.* An African tool.* An Indian wife.Hell is when you have:* An American wife.* A british body.* A chinese tool.* Swiss food.* An Italian technology.* A Japanese home.* An african economy.* An Indian salary.",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 898,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's\nbeen in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.\n\n\"Mrs. Jones?\" the doctor asks.\n\n\"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?\" \n\nThe doctor sits next to her and says, \"Not good news, I'm afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine.\"\n\n\"Oh my God!\" says Mrs. Jones, \"What is the prognosis?\"\n\n\"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him.\"\n\nMrs. Jones begins to sob...\n\n\"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.\"\n\nMrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...\n\n\"Then, of course,\" the doctor continued, \"you'll have to diaper\nhim as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.\"\n\nMrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The doctor continues:\n\n\"And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis, as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly.\"\nNow Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.\nJust then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder, and says, \"Hey, I'm just messin' with you. He's dead!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 899,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, \"Where did you get such a great bike?\"\nThe second engineer replied, \"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, \"Take what you want.\" The second engineer nodded approvingly, \"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you.\"",
"category": "School",
"id": 900,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, \"What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!\" The doctor chimed in, \"I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!\"The pastor said, \"Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.\" [dramatic pause] \"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?\"The greenskeeper replied, \"Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.\"\"They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.\" The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, \"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.\" The doctor said, \"Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.\" The engineer said, \"Why can't these guys play at night?\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 901,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A woman was distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in \nquite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so \nshe decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex \ntherapist, Dr. Chang. \n\nUpon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, \"OK, take off all your \ncrose.\" The woman did as she was told. \n\n\"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.\" Again, the \nwoman did as she was instructed. \n\nDr. Chang then said, \"OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me...\" As she \ndid, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. \n\n\"Your probrem velly bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. \nDat why you not haf sex or dates.\" \n\nThe woman asked anxiously, \"Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary \nDisease?\" \n\nDr. Chang sighed deeply and eplied: \"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face \nlook Ed Zachary like your butt.\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 902,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "One morning, a Black guy, a Jewish guy, a Mexican, and a regular white guy were sitting on a bench waiting for the bus. While stretching his legs, the black guy accidentally kicks an old lamp that was laying on the sidewalk. Suddenly they were enveloped in smoke and from it emerged a huge genie.\"Gentlemen,\" says the genie in a big, booming voice, \"today is your lucky day. I've been stuck in that lamp for a thousand years. I will now grant each of you a wish. The Black gentleman first since he was the one who actually freed me.\"\"Any wish?\" the Black guy asks.\"Anything you wish gentlemen. Vast amounts of wealth, happiness, your life's aspirations, anything,\" replies the genie.\"You know, Mr. Genie, says the Black guy, we've been in this country for 500 years, and still there's discrimination, prejudice, no matter how hard we work. So I want me and all Black people to be sent back to Africa. Then, we can be amongst ouselves, just live off the land, and be happy.\"Poof! All Black people are in Africa.The genie looks at the Jewish guy and says, \"and you sir.\"\"I've thought very hard about this, says the Jewish guy. \"My people thought this was our new Promise Land. Instead we're still hated and bigotry is still very strong after all these years. Therefore, I want you to deliver my people back to Israel. There we can be amongst ourselves, live off the land, and be happy.\"Poof! All Jews are in Israel.\"How about you senor,\" booms the genie to the Mexican.\"Senor Genie, says the Mexican, we do all the hard, unwanted jobs in this country. As a result of this hard work, we are despised, laughed at, and disrespected. So please, can you bring us all back to Mexico? So we can be amongst ourselves, just live off the land, and be happy.\"Poof! And all Mexicans are in Mexico.\"And now you sir,\" the genie turns to the white guy, \"what will be your pleasure today?\"\"Let me get this straight. Are you telling me that all Blacks are back in Africa, all Jews are in Israel, and all Mexicans went back to Mexico?\" inquires the white guy, slightly trembling with anticipation.\"Yup! You are correct sir,\" the genie replies.\"In that case,\" said the white guy, grinning happily, tears of joy streaming down his face, \"may I please have a Diet Pepsi?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 903,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "Two girls were hired to clean a big house.\nThe owners left for work and there was nobody home, so they decided to take their clothes off. \nThey worked naked for a few hours, when they heard the door-bell. \n\"Who is it?\", one of the asked.\n\"It's a blind-man\", answered the man from outside. Since they realized he couldn't see them anyway, they decided to stay the way they were. \nThey opened the door, and the man holding a box of drapery rods said: \"Hi, where do you want the blinds?\"...",
"category": "Blind Jokes",
"id": 904,
"rating": 3.6
},
{
"body": "A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you. \n\nShe answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'' \n\n''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'' \n\nShe responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.'' \n\nThe cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!'' \n\nThe nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.'' \n\nHe does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?'' \n\n''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'' \n\nThe nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 905,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, \"Who wrote this stuff?\"",
"category": "Blind Jokes",
"id": 906,
"rating": 2.43
},
{
"body": "An Irish-man finds a bottle in his garden, and when he rubs it, a genie comes out.\n\n\"You have three whishes\", the genie says.\n\nThe Irish-man thinks for a little while, and then he says: \"i would like to have a bottle of the finest whisky in the world, and that no matter how much i drink from it, it will never empty\".\n\nImmediately after finishing his sentence, a bottle of great whisky falls into the irishman's hand. \nHe starts drinking it, taking one big gulp after another. \nBut then, after finishing drinking, he finds that the bottle is still completely full. \n\n\"Well, what are your next two wishes?\", asks the jiny.\n\n\"I would like two more bottles just like that one!\", answers the irish-man.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 907,
"rating": 2.6
},
{
"body": "A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, \"Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!\" The man says, \"There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face\". \"Wow\", said Peter, \"That's impressive. When did this happen\"? \"Oh, about 10 minutes ago\", replied the man.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 908,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. \"Okay,\" the sheriff drawled, \"Gomer, what is 1 and 1?\" \"11\" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, \"That's not what I meant, but he's right.\" \"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?\" \"Today and tomorrow.\" He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. \"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?\" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, \"I don't know.\" \"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?\" So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. \"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 909,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. \n\nThe CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. \n\nThe FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. \n\nThe LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: \"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 910,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. \n\n2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. \n\n3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People? \n\n4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job! \n\n5. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS? \n\n6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop. \n\n7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. \n\n8. Bad cop! No donut! \n\n9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? \n\n10. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too! \n\n11. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated? \n\n12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand. \n\n13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's? \n\n14. I pay your salary! \n\n15. So, uh, you on the take, or what? \n\n16. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. \n\n17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. \n\n18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are. \n\n19. What do you mean, \"Have I been drinking?\" You're the trained specialist. \n\n20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. \n\n21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum! \n\n22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?",
"category": "Military",
"id": 911,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice \" I'd like to try the bet\" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man \"what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?\" The man replied \"I work for the IRS.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 912,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, \u201cHey,why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?\u201d The farmer says, \u201cSome things you just can\u2019texplain.\u201d \u201cSo what happened that is so horrible?\u201d the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, \u201cWell if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s not so bad,what\u2019s the big deal?\u201d The farmer says, \u201cSome things you just can\u2019t explain.\u201d \u201cSo what happened?\u201d the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued, \u201cI took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.\u201d \u201cAgain?\u201d The farmer says, \u201cSome things you just can\u2019t explain.\u201d \u201cSo, what did you do then?\u201d the man asked, intrigued. \u201cI took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.\u201d \u201cWow, you must have been pretty upset!\u201d but that\u2019s no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.\u201d The farmer says, \u201cSome things you just can\u2019t explain.\u201d \u201cSo then what else did you do?\u201d the man asked again.\u201cWell I didn\u2019t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That\u2019s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in\u2026\u201d",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 913,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Have you heard?\n\nThe Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson.\nIf he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 914,
"rating": 2.17
},
{
"body": "A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. \n\"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!\" \n\nA smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, \"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?\" \n\nThe entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. \nWhen silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, \n\n\"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.\"",
"category": "School",
"id": 915,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between Elvis \n and Osama Bin Laden?\n\nA: Osama is a dead man!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 916,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the worst thing about having \n sex with Michael Jackson?\n\nA: When the crib breaks.",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 917,
"rating": 1.6
},
{
"body": "Michael Jackson was on a cruise with 100 Boy Scouts when the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink.\nThe captain announced, \"Everyone abandon ship! We're going down!\" Michael asked, \"What about the children?\"\nThe captain replied, \"Screw the children!\" \nMichael looked around eagerly and asked, \"Do we have time?\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 918,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?A: He thought it was a delivery service.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 919,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa? \n\nNothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 920,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between \n Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?\n\nA: One is made of plastic and is a potential risk to children. \n The other carries groceries.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 921,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "What do Michael and Catholic school nuns have in common?\n\nBoth are a pain in the butt to kids.",
"category": "School",
"id": 922,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Michael Jackson was announced that he is the proud father of a baby boy. \nHe asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex. \nThe doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 923,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?\n\nHe looks for one in a catalogue.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 924,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, \"Is there a problem, Officer?\"\n\n\"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?\"\n\nJohn thought for a minute and said, \"Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license.\"\n\nJudi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, \"Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartbutt when he's drunk and stoned.\"\n\nBrian from the back seat said, \"I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!\"\n\nAt that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, \"Are we over the border yet?\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 925,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. The professor emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.A student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, \"But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?\"As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. \"Well,\" he responded, \"I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand.\"",
"category": "School",
"id": 926,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "A priest, gets a haircut in a Washington barbershop, he then asks how much he owes. \"No charge, Father\"... the barber said...\"I consider it a service to the Lord.\" The next morning, the barber finds two dozen small prayer booklets on his stoop. Two days later, a police officer comes in for a cut and asks...\"how much do I owe you?\" \"No charge, officer\"...the barber says...\"I consider it a service to my community.\" The next morning the barber finds a dozen doughnuts on his stoop. A few days later a Senator walks in for a haircut...\"how much do I owe you?\"...he asks. \"No charge\"...the barber replied..\"I consider it a service to my country.\" The next morning the barber arrives at his shop only tofind a dozen Senators waiting on his stoop!",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 927,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 928,
"rating": 3.78
},
{
"body": "As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,\n\"And what would you like for Christmas?\"\n\nThe child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute,\nthen gasped, \"Didn't you get my E-mail?\"",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 929,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "A very well endowed young lady went to the doctor for her annual check up. The doctor told her to remove her clothes and get up on the examining table. Shyly, she said to him, \"Oh doctor, I just couldn't undress in front of you.\" \"Ok. I'll turn off the lights for you, you undress, then tell me when you're ready,\" the doctor said. A few moments later, she called out, \"I've undressed, doctor. What shall I do with my clothes?\" \"Just place them on the chair, on top of mine.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 930,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "John had just finished having his yearly medical examination and was waiting for the doctor to return to his office with the test results. When the doctor finally returns, he has a very sad look on his face. \"Well, doc, what's the word? How does everything look?\" asks John. \"John, I really don't know how to tell you this. The news is bad. Very bad,\" says the doctor. \"What is it doc?\" a worried John asks. \"I really am having a difficult time with this, John. I just don't know how to tell you,\" the doctor replies. \"Ok, doc, let's stop beating around the bush. Just tell me what you know. I can take it,\" John says. \"Let me put it this way. I think what you should do is go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice, relaxing mud bath. Just spend some time soaking in the mud,\" the doctor tells him. \"I get it, I need to relax a little, right? Will that cure me?\" asks John. \"No, not really, John. It won't cure you, nor will it help you to relax. What it will do is get you used to being covered in dirt.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 931,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink. \n\n\"Get out\" says the bartender. \"I don't serve drunks here\". \n\nThe drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink. \n\n\"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!\". \n\nThe drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink. \n\nThe bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells \"I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!\". \n\nThe drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs \"How many bars do you work at, anyway?\".",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 932,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A woman walks into a bank one day to deposit a large sum of money. She walks up to the guy at the counter and hands him a cheque of a million dollars. After noticing the cheque was for such a large amount, he tells her he has to go and get the bank manager. Soon, the bank manager appears and starts to process her cheque. \"How did you get so much money?\" \"Well\", she replies, \"I'm abit of gambler...\" \"Really?\" the manager replies astoundingly. \"Sure, like right now - I can bet you $10,000 that your nuts are square!\", the managers alittle taken back from what shes said. \"Ten grand that my nuts are square?\"\"Yup\"\"Done!\"\"Great, meet me in the car park in two minutes so I can see for myself\". Sure enough, two minutes later the manager walks out and sees her standing by her car with a guy in a suit.\"Ok, well this is my lawyer. Hes just here to make sure this is all legal and fair.\"\"Sure\"She then steps up in front of him, unzips his pants and gives his balls a good feel.\"You're right, they're not square!\"The manager smiles and looks over to the lawyer who starts banging his head on the car.Confused, the manager asks the woman,\"Whats with your lawyer?\"\"Oh, I bet him $50,000 I would have your nuts in my hand in 5 minutes.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 933,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "A newlywed couple arrive at their honeymoon suite and prepare to have sex for the first time. As they start to settle under the covers, she tells her husband,\"I've got a confession. I'm not a virgin, but I've been with only one man.\"The husband thinks for a second and says,\"Well it's 2003, that's not unusual for you to have had premarital sex. But can I ask who the guy was?\"She fidgets for a minute, then says,\"Tiger Woods.\"Her husband is surprised by this response but tells her,\"Well, he's rich, talented, and good-looking. I can see why you wanted to sleep with him.\"So they make love for the first time and when they finish he gets up and goes to the room phone. His wife rolls over and asks,\"What are you doing?\"He tells her, \"I'm hungry. I was gonna call room service. Do you want anything?\"\"Tiger wouldn't have done,\" she says.\"Oh really? What would Tiger have done,\" he asks.\"Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a second time.\"So her husband puts down the phone and gets back to bed and makes love to his wife a second time. After they finish he gets out of bed and walks to the phone again. Again his wife asks,\"What are you doing?\"\"Well I never called room service the first time and I'm still hungry,\" he replies.\"Tiger wouldn't have done that,\" she again tells him.\"Oh really. And what would Tiger have done?\"\"Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a third time,\" she says.So her husband goes back to bed and makes love to her for a third time. After finally finishing he rolls out of bed again and goes to the phone.\"Calling room service again?\" she asks.\"No! I'm calling Tiger so I can find out what the par is for this damn hole!!\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 934,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Three guys parachute from a burning plane onto an island and are quickly caught by a bunch of canabals. The leader of the canabals says \"I will spare your lives if you can complete 2 tasks for me otherwise we will eat you on the spot.\"The first task is to collect ten items of fruit or vegatables from anywhere on the island\" So sure enough off they go in three different directions with canable escorts.10 minutes later the first man returns carrying ten apples and the second task is layed before him \"You must push all 10 apples up your bum without making a single sound!\" so with little choice the first man begins 1 23...4....5 \"OUCH\" he shouts and sure enough he is torn limb from limb and eaten by the cannables.5 minutes later after the meal the second man returns with 10 berrys and is given the second task. So off he goes...123456.7..8Suddendly the second man burst into laughter and is torn limb from limb and eaten.When the second man reaches heaven he is greated by the first man who is itching to ask him a question \"WHY OH WHY when you had such an easy task did you start laughing????\" to which the second man replies \"There i was inserting berrys up my bum thinking how easy it was when i looked up to see the other fella with a big grin on his face and 10 mellons in his arms!!!!\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 935,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of their lesser-known \nfamily members are coming to the attention of American authorities. \n \nAmong the brothers are: \n \nSooflay ..................the restaurateur \nGuday................... the half-Australian brother \nHuray.................... the sports fanatic \nBegay......................the gay brother \nKuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother \nSayhay....................the baseball player \nOjay........................the stalker / murderer \nGulay......................the singer / entertainer \nEbay.......................the Internet czar \nBiliray......................the country music star \nEcksray...................the radiologist \nPuray.......................the blender factory owner \nRegay......................the half-Jamaican brother \nTupay......................the one with bad hair \n \nAnd the sisters are: \n \nPusay.......................the 'loose' 22 yr. old \nLattay........................the coffee shop owner \nBufay.........................the 300 pound sister \nDushay......................the clean sister \nPhayray.....................the zoo worker in the gorilla house \nSapheway..................the grocery store owner \nOllay..........................the half-Mexican sister \nGudlay........................the prostitute",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 936,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a giraffe in heat.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends repeatedly that you love them.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcahol may maak yu tink you kan tipe real gude.",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 937,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "At 8 years old....you put milk in your glassAt 18 years old....you put beer in your glassAt 80 years old.... you put your teeth in your glass",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 938,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "These are the names of the some romantic countries in the world.H.O.L.L.A.N.D Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.I.T.A.L.Y. I Trust And Love You.L.I.B.Y.A. Love Is Beautiful; You Also.F.R.A.N.C.E. Friendships Remain And Never Can End.C.H.I.N.A. Come Here\u2026.. I Need Affection.B.U.R.M.A. Between Us, Remember Me Always.N.E.P.A.L. Never Ever Part As Lovers.I.N.D.I.A. I Nearly Died In Adoration.K.E.N.Y.A Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.C.A.N.A.D.A. Cute And Naughty Action that developed into attractionK.O.R.E.A. Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every adversity.E.G.Y.P.T. Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!! M.A.N.I.L.A. May All Nights Inspire Love Always.P.E.R.U. Phorget (Forget) Everyone... Remember Us.T.H.A.I.L.A.N.D. Totally Happy. Always In Love And Never Dull.",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 939,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "These are actually things which people actually said in court, word for word. Q: What is your date of birth?A: December 30th.Q: What year?A: Every year.Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?A: Yes.Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?A: I forget.Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.Q: How long has he lived with you?A: Forty-five years.Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?A: He said, \"Where am I, Cathy?\"Q: And why did that upset you?A: My name is Susan.Q: And where was the location of the accident?A: Approximately milepost 499.Q: And where is milepost 499?A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.Q: Sir, what is your IQ?A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?A: After the accident?Q: Before the accident.A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?A: We both do.Q: Voodoo?A: We do.Q: You do?A: Yes, voodoo.Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?A: Yes.Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?A: Yes, sir.Q: What did she say?A: What disco am I at?Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?A: Yes.Q: And what were you doing at that time?Q: She had three children, right?A: Yes.Q: How many were boys?A: None.Q: Were there any girls?Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?A: Yes.Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?Q: How was your first marriage terminated?A: By death.Q: And by whose death was it terminated?Q: Can you describe the individual?A: He was about medium height and had a beard.Q: Was this a male, or a female?Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?A: Oral.Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?A: No.Q: Did you check for blood pressure?A: No.Q: Did you check for breathing?A: No.Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?A: No.Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 940,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Things you'd really like to say at work\n01. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap. \n02. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce. \n03. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. \n04. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. \n05. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again. \n06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. \n07. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. \n08. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. \n09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? \n10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...? \n11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. \n12. If I throw a stick, will you leave? \n13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. \n14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? \n15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 941,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A philosophy professor stands in front of his class and fills a \nmayonnaise jar with rocks that are about 2\" in diameter. \nThe professor asks the class if the jar is full...they agree that \nit is.\n \nThe professor then takes a handful of pebbles and adds them \nto the jar, shaking it so the pebbles fill the cracks and asks if \nthe jar is full and again the class agrees.\n \nThe professor produces a small bag of sand and proceeds to \nadd it to the jar, shaking it so it fill the cracks and asks the \nclass if the jar is full and for the third time they agreed it is.\n \n\"Now\"...the professor says...\"I want you to use this jar full of \nsediment as a way of looking at your life...the rocks represent \nthe things that are most important to you, your family, your \npartner and your health... things that are the cornerstone of \nyour life.\"\n \n\"The pebbles represent things like your money, your job or \nyour dwelling,things that are important, but can be replaced.\" \n \n\"The sand represents the small things in your life, for instance, \nwhat you wear, who you are seen with or where you eat.\"\n \n\"You'll find, if you put the sand in the jar first, you won't have \nenough room for not only the pebbles, but most importantly \nthe rocks.\"\n \n\"The same thing goes for your life, if you spend too much time \nand energy on the small issues, you focus less on the things \nthat really matter.\"\n \n\"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness,\nplay with your children, take your spouse out on a date and find \ntime for that medical checkup, in essences, set your priorities...\nyou must take care of the rocks first, then let the pebbles and \nsand fill your jar.\"\n \nAs the professor finishes, he receives a standing ovation for his \npresentation, but through the crowd, comes a pupil from the \nback of the room wearing a backpack.\n \nHe goes to front of the class, takes a bottle of beer out, opens it \nand pours it into the professor's jar.\n \nThe student asks the professor...\"would you say the jar now full?\"\n \nThe stunned professor could only watch as the student answered \nhis own question...\"then we must conclude, that no mater how full \nyour life is...there's always room for beer!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 942,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A young engineer was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found the\nCEO standing in front of the paper shredder with a piece of paper in\nhis hand. \"Listen,\" said the CEO, \"this is important, my secretary\nhas left for the day. Can you make this thing work?\"\n\n\"Certainly,\" said the young engineer. He turned the machine on,\ninserted the paper, and pressed the start button.\n\n\"Excellent, excellent!\" said the CEO as his paper disappered inside\nthe machine. \"I just need one copy.\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 943,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A drunk, staggering down main street, somehow\nmanages to make it into a cathedral.\n \nA priest watched him, as he crashed from pew to \npew, finally making his way into the confessional.\n \nThe priest, thinking the man needs his assistance, \nproceeds to his side of the confessional. \n \nHis attention was rewarded with a lengthy silence,\nfollowed by bodily gas being released. \n \nThe priest, battling extreme stench, finally asks...\n\"may I help you, my son?\" \n \n\"Dunno\"...came a slurred voice from the other side\n...\"you got any toilet paper?\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 944,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries \"Man! How many bars do you work at?\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 945,
"rating": 3.25
},
{
"body": "An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida, \nhis wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.\n\nWhen he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email, \nunable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, \nhe did his best to type it from memory.\n\nUnfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an \nelderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. \n\nWhen the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, \nlet out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound, \nher family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.....\n\nDEAREST WIFE...JUST GOT CHECKED IN...EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...P.S.SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 946,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, You either married it or gave birth to it!",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 947,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "What a difference 30 years makes: \n\n1973: Long hair \n2003: Longing for hair \n\n1973: The perfect high \n2003: The perfect high yield mutual fund \n\n1973: KEG \n2003: EKG \n\n1973: Acid rock \n2003: Acid reflux \n\n1973: Moving to California because it's cool \n2003: Moving to California because it's warm \n\n1973: Growing pot \n2003: Growing pot belly \n\n1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor \n2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor \n\n1973: Seeds and stems \n2003: Roughage \n\n1973: Popping pills, smoking joints \n2003: Popping joints \n\n1973: Killer weed \n2003: Weed killer \n\n1973: Hoping for a BMW \n2003: Hoping for a BM \n\n1973: The Grateful Dead \n2003: Dr. Kevorkian \n\n1973: Going to a new, hip joint \n2003: Receiving a new hip joint \n\n1973: Rolling Stones \n2003: Kidney Stones \n\n1973: Being called into the principal's office \n2003: Calling the principal's office \n\n1973: Screw the system \n2003: Upgrade the system \n\n1973: Disco \n2003: Costco \n\n1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut \n2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved \n\n1973: Taking acid \n2003: Taking antacid \n\n1973: Passing the drivers' test \n2003: Passing the vision test \n\n1973: Whatever \n2003: Depends",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 948,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "63 Ways To Make A Police Officer Angry \n\n1. When you get pulled over, say \"What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?\" \n\n2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. \n\n3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf. \n\n4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to...... \n\n5. Ask if you can see his gun. \n\n6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger. \n\n7. Touch him. \n\n8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat. \n\n9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat. \n\n10. Refer to him by his first name. \n\n11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out. \n\n12. When he says no, cry. \n\n13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment. \n\n14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. \n\n15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood. \n\n16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way. \n\n17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say \"Usually my dates buy me dinner first\" \n\n18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers. \n\n19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say \"Oops! That's the wrong name.\" \n\n20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one. \n\n21. When he comes up to the car, say \"License and registration, please\" right when he says it. \n\n22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing \"La La La, I can't hear you!\" \n\n23. Trip and fall into him. \n\n24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. \n\n25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen. \n\n26. Chew on the pen, nervously. \n\n27. Clean your ear with the pen. \n\n28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring. \n\n29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar..... \n\n30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. \n\n31. Act like you are retarded. \n\n32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. \n\n33. Mumble to yourself. \n\n34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE? \n\n35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight....... \n\n36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts. \n\n37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours! \n\n38. Ask if he watches Cops. \n\n39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock. \n\n40. Giggle if he did. \n\n41. Talk to your hand. \n\n42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends. \n\n43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does. \n\n44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin. \n\n45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it. \n\n46. Try to sell him your car. \n\n47. Ask if you can buy his car. \n\n48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front. \n\n49. Play with the siren. \n\n50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner. \n\n51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner \n\n52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er. \n\n53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle. \n\n54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues. \n\n55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh. \n\n56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing. \n\n57. Turn your head and whistle. \n\n58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that. \n\n59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date. \n\n60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine. \n\n61. Stare at his lights and say \"Look at the pretty colors!\" \n\n62. Tell him you like men in uniform. \n\n63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 949,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a \nbeer. \n\"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.\" \n\"ONE CENT!\" exclaimed the guy; the barman replied, \"Yes.\" \nSo the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, \"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?\"\n\"Certainly sir,\" replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.\" How much money?\" inquires the guy. \"4 cents\", he replies. \"FOUR cents!\" exclaims the guy.\n\"Where's the Guy who owns this place?\" \nThe barman replies, \"Upstairs with my wife.\" \nThe guy says, \"What's he doing with your wife?\" \nThe bartender replies, \"Same as I'm doing to his business.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 950,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.\n\nThe brain said, \"since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss.\"\n\nThe feet said, \"since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss.\"\n\nThe hands said, \"since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss.\"\n\nAnd so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.\n\nFinally, the butthole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.\n\nAll the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the butthole being the boss. The butthole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.\n\nSoon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the butthole be declared the boss.\n\nAnd so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the butthole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.\n\nTHE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old butthole.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 951,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "What men and women say and what they really mean:\n \n\n What a woman says, what she really means...\n - I need = I want\n - We need = I want\n - It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now\n - Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later\n - We need to talk = I need to complain\n - Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to\n - I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!\n - You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot\n - You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?\n - I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS\n - Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs\n - This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house\n - I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...\n - I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade\n - I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep\n - Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive\n - How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate\n - I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.\n - Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful\n - You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me\n - Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead\n - Yes = No\n - No = No\n - Maybe = No\n - I'm sorry = You'll be sorry\n - I was wrong = Not as wrong as you\n - Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it\n - Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep\n - I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!\n\n\n What a man says, what he really means...\n - I'm hungry = I'm hungry\n - I'm tired = I'm tired\n - Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you\n - Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you\n - Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you\n - Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you\n - Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!\n - You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you\n - What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?\n - You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question\n - Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before\n - Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!\n - I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 952,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "1. You so dumb you inventd a helicopter with an ejector seat.2. You so dumb you got locked in a super market and starved to death.3. You so dumb you got locked in the toilets and wet yourself.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 953,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Ever stop to think...and forget to start again? I are proud to be a college studentConserve toilet paper...use both sides Don't come knockin' if the car is a rockin' 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain Keep honking...I'm reloading Don't steal....the government hates competition I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like his passengers!",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 954,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. \"Well\"...explained the husband...\"it all goes all the way back to our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and wetook a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.\" He continues...\"well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once.\" \"We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and my wife quietly spoke...that's twice.\" \"You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a third time.\" My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the beast, and shot the mule dead.\" \"I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned tome and quietly said...that's once.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 955,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Three friends were backpacking through europe and found out about a magical mountain near the coast, so they decided to check it out.\nWhen they finally reached the top of the mountain they saw a man jump straight off the edge and screamed that he wanted to be an eagle then poof he turned into an eagle and flew away.\nAfter seeing that the three friends got really excited and decided to go for it.The first thought for a second and then dashed straight off and yelled \"I want to be a hawk\" then poof he turned into a hawk and flew away. The second friend thought for a second and finally decided and jumped off and yelled \"I want to be a a mountain goat\" then poof he turned into a mountain goat and ran away. The third friend thought about for a long while and then finally decided, he ran as fast as he could ready to jump but then slipped on loose rocks and fell off the yelling \"ohh crrraaappp\" SPLAT!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 956,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. \n\nOne of the students said to his friend:\"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that.\" \n\nThe other student says: \"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class.\" \n\nSince they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: \"We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?\" \n\nThe old man said: \"I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think.\" \n\nThen one of the students said: \"I think it's Petry Syndrome.\" \n\nAnd the old man said: \"you thought, but you're wrong.\" \n\nThen the other student said: \"I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.\" \n\nAnd the old man said: \"you thought, but you're wrong.\" \n\nSo they asked him: \"so what do you have?\" \n\nAnd the old man said: \"I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but was wrong.\"",
"category": "School",
"id": 957,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, \"What have you done to enter Heaven?\" \"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world.\" \"Good enough to enter the gates,\" replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor. \"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor.\" St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, \"I am a director of a HMO.\" St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, \"Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 958,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Nellie, shopping at her local supermarket, selects a quart of milk, a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon and aquart of orange juice. A drunk standing behind her, watches as she places the items in front of the cashier. He says to her...\"you must be single.\" The woman, startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her four items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her items, she says...\"well, you're correct, but how on earth did you know that?\" The drunk staggers as he puts his beer in front of the same cashier and says...\"cause you're ugly!\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 959,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. \n\n\"I can't do that, officer.\" \n\n\n\"Why not?\" \n\n\"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.\" \n\n\"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.\"\n\n\"Can't do that either, officer.\"\n\n\"Why not?\"\n\n\"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.\"\n\n\n\"Alright, we could get a blood sample.\" \n\n\"Can't do that either, officer.\"\n\n\"Why not?\" \n\n\"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.\" \n\n\"Fine then, just walk this white line.\"\n\n\"Can't do that either, officer.\"\n\n\n\"Why not?\"\n\n\"Because I'm drunk.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 960,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "With Sam dying, his wife Carol was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand praying and crying, this roused him from his slumber.He looked up and his pale lips said...\"my darling Carol.\"\"Hush, my love\"...she said... \"rest, don't talk.\"In his tired voice...\"I have something I must confess to you.\"\"There's nothing to confess\"...replied the weeping Carol...\"everything is all right, just go to sleep.\"\"No\"...he struggles...\"I must die in peace, I have something to tell you Carol...I cheated on you!\"\"I know\"...Carol whispered as she softly stroked his forehead...\"just let the poison do it's job.\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 961,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase. He says \"Honey, what are you doing\". She says, \"I'm leaving you, I want a divorce.\"The husband says, \"But why, what's wrong?\"The wife says, \"I just found out that you are a pedophile\"The husband says, \"Whoa, that's an awful big word for a 10-year old.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 962,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "In a train car there was a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.\nAfter several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.\n1) The blonde thought - \"That fresh American wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.\"\n2) The fat lady thought - \"That dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.\"\n3) The American thought - \"That bloody Canadian put his hands on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.\"\n4) The Canadain thought - \"I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 963,
"rating": 2.75
},
{
"body": "On the first day God created the cow...\nGod said, \"you must go to field with the farmer all day long \nand suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support \nthe farmer...for that I will give you a life span of sixty years.\" \n The cow said, \"that's kind of a tough life, you want me to live \nfor sixty years...let me have twenty years and I'll give back \nthe other forty\" and God agreed.\n\nOn the second day, God created the dog...\nGod said, \"sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone \nwho comes in or walks past...I'll give you a life span of twenty years.\"\n The dog said, \"that's too long to be barking...\ngive me ten years and I'll give back the other ten.\" So God agreed. \n\nOn the third day God created the monkey...\nGod said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh... \nI'll give you a twenty year life span.\" \n the monkey said, \"how boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? \nI don't think so...dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too.\" \nAnd God agreed again. \n\nNow on the fourth day, God created man... \nGod said, \"Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy...do nothing, \njust enjoy, enjoy... I'll give you twenty years.\" \n Man said, \"what...only twenty years? no way man, tell you what, \nI'll take my twenty...the forty cow gave back...\nthe ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back...\nthat makes eighty, okay?\" \"Okay,\" said God... \"you've got a deal!\" \n \nSo this is why for...\nthe first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing... \nthe next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family...\nthe next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren...\nthe last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody...\n \nlife has now been explained.",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 964,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be, This widow had a grown-up daughter, with flowing hair of red, My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life, My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife, To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run, And this made him my grandson, for he was my daughter's son, My wife is now my mother's mother and this makes me very blue, Because, although she is my wife, she's now my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild, And every time I think of this, it simply drives me wild, For now I have become the strangest case that you ever saw, As the husband of my grandmother, I am now my own grandpa!",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 965,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A man who was involved in a serious motorcycle accident was unable\nto speak when he first regained counsciousness. Wishing to know how\nlong he had been unconscious, he took a piece of paper and a pencil\nfrom the bedstand and, after writing \"Date?\" on it, gave it to his\nnurse.\n\nShe handed it back to him - after she had written the word \"Married\"\non it.",
"category": "Women",
"id": 966,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.\n\nOne woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. \"I'm too young to die,\" she wails. Then she yells, \"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?\"\n\nFor a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.\n\nThen a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.\n\nShe gasps...\n\nHe whispers...\n\n\"Iron this, and get me something to eat.\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 967,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet. CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains. SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more. POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling. DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory. GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times. SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose. THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 968,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The Perfect Employee?1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be13 executed as soon as possible.Addendum:That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 969,
"rating": 4.7
},
{
"body": "There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard. They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man. The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend. \"Hi, John.\" \"Cliff, is it really you?\" \"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up. And, you know John, there's good news and bad news.\" \"Okay. What's the good news?\" \"There is baseball in heaven.\" \"The bad news?\" \"You're pitching tomorrow night.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 970,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "Subject....Health FoodWith today's adults looking for a healthier lifestyle,food and stress are very important to them.We will look first at what food can be added to ourdiet that will help relieve stress.The food in question, is chocolate. This overlookedfood is considered unhealthy, but let's take a look.Chocolate is made from sugar and cocoa beans withthe bean known as a vegetable. Sugar is derived mainly from sugar cane, this would also be in the vegetable category, thus classifying allchocolate as a vegetable. Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, and as you well know,you are encouraged to eat as much fruit as you want!To take this one step further, milk chocolate contains milk, which is dairy, therefore, chocolate, in any form, should be considered a health food. so remember...STRESSED spelled backward is.............(scroll down) DESSERTS",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 971,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Disgusted by what he has seen on earth, God decides to destroy it and start over. He orders one of His angels to appear at the offices of four of America's leading newspapers, the Wall Street Journal, the SF Chronical, the Washington Post and the New York Times, in order to give them the scoop that He intends to destroy the world in 2 days time. The next morning, the following headlines appear: Wall Street Journal: GOD TO DESTROY THE WORLD TOMORROW!! MARKETS WILL CLOSE EARLY! SF Chronicle: GOD TO END WORLD TOMORROW!! ANTI-RELIGIOUS PROTESTS PLANNED. ACLU TO SUE GOD!! Washington Post: END OF THE WORLD IS AT HAND, GOD SAYS!! SEE ARTICLE ON PAGE 12-B. New York Times: GOD VOWS DESTRUCTION OF THE EARTH!! WOMEN, CHILDREN AND MINORITIES TO BE HARDEST HIT!!",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 972,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, \"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?\"The crow answered: \"Sure, why not.\"So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 973,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes backthere are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note tothe Chinaman that says, \"Use more soap on panties.\"This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to thelaundry.Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, \"Usemore paper on ass.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 974,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest. Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen. \"That's nothing,\" said the manager, \"you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 975,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is \"definitely\" and its meaning is \"absolute, positive, without a doubt.\" \nShe asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself. \nSusan stands up and says, \"The sky is definitely blue.\" \nThe teacher replies to her, \"Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?\" \nTom's hand flies up and she calls on him. \nTom answers, \"The water is definitely clear.\" \n\"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?\" \nFinally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand. \n\"Yes, Robert?\" asks the teacher. \n\"Can I ask a question, teacher?\" Robert replies. \n\"Yes.\" \n\"Do farts have lumps?\" \n\"No. Why do you ask.\" \n\"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants.\"",
"category": "School",
"id": 976,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, \"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.\"The gentleman replied, \"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 977,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "There are three men in the woods. they are hunter, trapper, and stupid guy. Hunter goes out and comes back an hour later with a bear. Trapper asks \"how did you get that?\" Hunter says me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find bear, me shoot bear, bear stop.\" Trapper goes out and comes back an hour later with a deer. Stupid guy asks \"how did you get that?\" Trapper says\" me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find deer, me shoot dear, dear stop.\" Stupid guy goes out and comes back two hours later bruised and nearly dead with broken limbs. Hunter and trapper ask \"What happened to you?\" stupid guy says \"me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find train, me shoot train, train don't stop.\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 978,
"rating": 2.6
},
{
"body": "Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, \n\"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of \nthe refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start \nmaking a sandwich.\"\n \nThe second lady chimed in, \"Yes, some times I find myself on the landing \nof the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way \ndown.\"\n \nThe third one responded, \" Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock \non wood,\" as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them \"That must \nbe the door, I'll get it!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 979,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A senior citizen's group chartered a bus from Brooklyn to\nAtlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman came\nup to the driver and said \"I've been molested!\"\n The driver thought she was just being delusional, and told her to\ngo sit back down.\n 10 minutes later, another old woman came forward and claimed\nSHE'D been molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of\nwackos - who'd molest them?\n 10 minutes later, a third came up and said she'd been molested\ntoo. The driver decided he'd had enough, and pulled into the rest\nstop. When he stood up, he saw an old man on his hands and knees\nin the aisle.\n \"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?\"\n \"I lost my toupee. Three times I thought I found it, but when I\ngrabbed it, it ran away...\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 980,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "It's the middle of summer and a Highway Patrolman pulls over a motoristfor speeding. While he's writing the ticket, flies keep buzzing aroundhis head, annoying him considerably. \"Circle flies sure are bad this year, aren't they?\" says the motorist. \"Yeah,\" says the patrolman, \"if that's what these are, you're sureright. But I've never heard of a circle fly before. What's that?\" \"Well,\" the motorist responds, \"circle flies are a species of fly thatare particularly partial to horses. Specifically, they tend to circlearound a horse's rear end. That's why they call 'em circle flies.\" The patrolman, catching the implication, replies, \"You don't say. Well,that's very interesting. But it strikes me that you might be trying tocall me a horse's ass. You wouldn't be making that kind of implicationabout an officer of the law, would you?\" \"Oh, no sir!\" responds the motorist. \"No, sir, not at all. I have theutmost respect for law enforcement officers, and would never dream ofimplying that one of them was a horse's ass. No, sir, I'm terribly sorry if that's how it sounded.\" \"Yeah, I didn't think so,\" replied the patrolman. \"Yeah,\" the motorist continued, \"but there's just no fooling those circle flies, is there?\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 981,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "There's a captain and his crew, and they always won naval battles. One day, a sailor called out \"Cap'! 10 ships approching!\" The Captain replied \"Get me my red shirt!\" They did, he put it on, and they won the battle.Later, a sailor called \"Cap'! 20 ships!\" \"Get me my red shirt!\" They did, and they won after he wore itLater, 50 ships attacked, they got thier captain his red shirt, and they wonThen one day a sailor asked \"Captain, why do you wear that red shirt?\" \"If I get shot and bleed, you won't see my blood and keep fighting for me\" said the captainLater...Sailor: \"Captain! 220000 ships!\"Captain: \"What!? Get me my brown pants!\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 982,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is \"definitely\" and its meaning is \"absolute, positive, without a doubt.\" \nShe asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself. \nSusan stands up and says, \"The sky is definitely blue.\" \nThe teacher replies to her, \"Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?\" \nTom's hand flies up and she calls on him. \nTom answers, \"The water is definitely clear.\" \n\"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?\" \nFinally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand. \n\"Yes, Robert?\" asks the teacher. \n\"Can I ask a question, teacher?\" Robert replies. \n\"Yes.\" \n\"Do farts have lumps?\" \n\"No. Why do you ask.\" \n\"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants.\"",
"category": "School",
"id": 983,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One day an Indian, a Muslim, and a Cowboy were just sittin' around when all of the sudden, the Indian said with a gloomy look, \" Once my people were many, now we are few.\", then the Muslim said with a huge smile on his face, \"Once my people were few, now we are many.\", the Cowboy replied , \"Oh, that's just because we ain't played cowboys and muslims yet.\"",
"category": "Ethnic Jokes",
"id": 984,
"rating": 4.4
},
{
"body": "George Bush and Colin Powell were sitting together at a bar. The bartender was surprised to see them and walked over to them. \n\"What are you guys talking about?\" he says to them. \n\"Well,\" Bush respones \"We were just talking about WW3. We are gonna kill 40 million Iraquies and one blonde with an amazing chest. \n\"Why would you kill a blonde with an amazing chest?\" The bartender asks puzzled. Bush then turns to Powell and says \"See I told you no one would care about 40 million Iraquies!\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 985,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said,\" I think I'll get up and get a coke.\" \"No problem,\" said the attorney, \"I'll get it for you.\" While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, \"That looks good, I think I'll have one too.\" Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. \"How long must this go on?\" he asked. \"This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 986,
"rating": 3.2
},
{
"body": "Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam. \n\nRather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. \n\nThey looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. \"Cool,\" they thought. \"This is going to be easy.\" They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: \"Which tire?\" (95 Points).",
"category": "School",
"id": 987,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "Three men are involved in a car crash on December 24th and arrive at the pearly gates where they are met by Saint Peter who tells them that because it is Christmas eve they must go back to the car and find something related to Christmas and give it to him in order to enter heaven. The first man goes back, looks under the front seat, finds a Christmas card and rushes back to Saint Peter and is promply let in. The second man looks in the trunk and finds some miseltoe and rushes back to Saint Peter and is also let in. The third man was having no luck finding anything in the car and starts to panic knowing that he will never enter heaven if he dosen't come up with something associated with Christmas. He had about given up when he looks into the glove compartment where he finds a pair of sexy underpants...it is almost midnight, so he figures he has nothing to lose and quickly sprints off. He runs up to golden gates and hands the panties to Saint Peter...the perplexed saint holds them gingerly between finger and thumb and says \"what do these have to do with Christmas ?\" the man sheepishly says \"they're Carols?\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 988,
"rating": 2.4
},
{
"body": "Five tourists in an Audi Quattro arrive at a border crossing. The\ncustoms officer waves them over. \"It is illegal to put 5 people in a\nQuattro,\" he says.\n\n\"What do you mean illegal?\" asks the driver.\n\n\"Quattro means four,\" replies the officer.\n\n\"Quattro is just the name of the automobile,\" the driver retorts. \"Look\nat the manual; this car is designed to carry five persons.\"\n\n\"You can't pull that one on me,\" replies the officer. \"Quattro means\nfour. You have five people in your car and you are, therefore, breaking\nthe law.\"\n\n\"You idiot!\" the driver cries angrily. \"Call your supervisor over - I\nwant to speak to someone with more intelligence!\"\n\n\"Sorry,\" responds the officer, \"the Sergeant is busy with two newlyweds\nin a Fiat Uno.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 989,
"rating": 2.6
},
{
"body": "A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather. When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room. \"Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog,\" he shouted. \"What for?\" asked his grandpa. \"Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 990,
"rating": 3.2
},
{
"body": "Woman: \"Is there a problem officer?\"Officer: \"Ma'am you were speeding.\"Woman: \"Oh, I see.\"Officer: \"Can I see your license please?\"Woman: \"I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.\" Officer: \"Don't have one?\" Woman: \"Lost it 4 times for drinking.\"Officer: \"I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers please?\"Woman: \"I can't do that.\"Officer: \"why not?\"Woman: \"I Stole this car and hacked up the owner.\" Officer: \"You what?\"Woman: \"His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.\"The officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away from his car,and calls for back-up. within 5 minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. Senior Officer: \"Ma'am could you step out of your vehicle please!\"woman: \"Is there a problem officer?\"Senior Officer: \"one of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: \"Murdered the owner!\" Senior Officer: \"yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please. The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.Senior Officer: \"Is this your car ma'am\"? Woman: \"Yes, here are my registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Senior Officer: \"One of my men claims that you do not have a driver's license.The woman digs into her bookbag and draws out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer looks quite puzzled as he glances at the license. Senior Officer: \"I'm sorry ma'am. One of my men claims that you didn't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner.\" Woman: \"Betcha the lyin' bastard told you I was speeding too!\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 991,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "February 10, 2003 It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.\"Hello?\" says a little girl's voice.\"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,\" says John. \"Is Mommy near the phone?\"\"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred.\"After a brief pause, John says, \"But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!\"\"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!\"\"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house.\"\"Okay, Daddy!\" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. \"Well, I did what you said, Daddy.\"\"And what happened?\"\"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.\"\"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?\"\"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.\"There is a long pause.\"Swimming pool? Sorry wrong number.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 992,
"rating": 4.4
},
{
"body": "Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while theywere walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, \"Mary, I have good news andbad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you wereable to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.\" Mary replied \"He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 993,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat.They had only been out a short while when Mary said, \"Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them.\"George replied, \"We don't have to go back, just give the K-9unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.\"It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to thestation, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's noseshoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffsthe wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by adozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the DeskSergeant's balls in his mouth.",
"category": "Military",
"id": 994,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. \n A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.\n \"Nurse,\" he mumbles from behind the mask, \"Are my testicles black?\"\n Embarrassed the young nurse replies, \"I don't know, I'm only here to wash your \n face and hands.\"\n He struggles again to ask, \"Nurse, Are my testicles black?\"\n Again the nurse replies, \"I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands.\"\n The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched \n over to inquire what was wrong.\n \"Sister,\" he mumbled, \"Are my testicles black?\"\n Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the \n bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his member out of the way, had a \n good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, \"Nothing \n is wrong with them!!!\"\n At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, \"Are my test results back???",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 995,
"rating": 3.6
},
{
"body": "Once there was a man who every week bought a lottery ticket in the local liquor store. He really didn't expect to win until one day he jumped in joy when he found out that he won 30 million dollars. The man immidiatly ran to his car, drove home at full speed, pulled up the drive way, ran inside the house slamed the front door behind him. As soon as he saw his wife, he said \"Honey, I've won the lottery so pack your bags!!!\" The man's wife leaping in joy asked him; \"What should I pack for?, for hiking, mountain climbing or sun bathing honey!?\"\"For what ever you want, Just make sure you're out by the end of the week!!!\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 996,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Oncer there was three men in an airplaine (White, Chinese, and Mexican) and were throwing out the door things that they had in adbundence in their countries. The Chinese opened the door of the plane and threw an cabbage. Later the mexican stepped up and threw an orange and finally the white man stepped up and threw a grenade.A couple of minutes later they got off the palne and started walking down the street when the suddenly saw a homeless man cursing . One of the men asked him \"Whats wrong?\" The homeless man answered \"God damned me. I asked him to feed me and all he sent me from heaven was a misserable cabbage. The men kept walking and a few blocks further down the street they came accross another homeless man who was weeping. One of the men approached the second homeless man and asked him. \"Are you ok? What's wrong?\" The homeless man looked at at him and said \"I asked God to feed me with at least a few crumbs of bread and he sent me a whole orange!\" The men continued walking even further down the street when suddenly they came accross a 13 year old boy who was laughing uncontrollably. One of the men asked him \"Young man? May I asked what is so funny?\" The young boy kept laughing and in the first gasp of air he managed to breath he said \"SEE THAT HOUSE BEHIND ME? I FARTED SO LOUD IT BLEW UP!!!!\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 997,
"rating": 3.29
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimoto were talking over apicnic lunch.Hercules said, \"You know everyone says I'm the strongest mortal on earth,but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers me a lot.\"Snow White said, \"you're right! Everyone says I'm the fairest, but how canI be sure?\"Quasimoto agrees. \"Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the ugliest!\"Suddenly Snow White has an idea. \"You know, guys, I've got the answer.Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the truth.\"Hercules said, \"Great. Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales.\"The next day they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules said, \"I talkedto God, and He said I'm the strongest.\"Snow White said, \"As did I, and I'm the truly the fairest.\"Quasimoto had his head bowed, as he shamefully asked, \"Who is Janet Reno?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 998,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Things To Say To Telemarketers1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.2. If they start out with, \"How are you today?\" say, \"I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashesare sore, my dog just died . . . \" 3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of workif they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: \"Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. \" You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, \"What are you wearing?\"5. Cry out in surprise, \"Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?\" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she couldknow you from. 6. Say \"No\" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, \"I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?\"8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: \"Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?\"9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, \"Oh my God!\" and then hang up.12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains thattelemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, \"I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?\" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, \"Me either!\" Hang up.13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with yourdinner conversation. 15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on \"home incarceration\" and ask if they could bring you some beer.16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.17. Tell the Telemarketer, \"Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes.\"18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. \"Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?\"19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . . 20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 999,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding howtheir marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangementsand so on.Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of theirsexual relationship...\"How do you feel about sex?\" he asked, rather hopefully.\"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently,\" she responded.The old guy paused....then he asked, \"Was that one word or two?\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 1000,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "Giraffe and bunny meet up in the forest. Giraffe, in his usual arrogant way starts up a conversation.\"So, bunny, do you know how great it is to have such a long neck?\" he asks, a faint tone of smugness in his voice.\"I'm sure I don't,\" replies bunny, obviously not really that interested.\"Well, to begin with, when I'm hungry and I chew my beautiful leaves, how can I describe the sensation of the leaves going down my throat....they go down and down and down....it's one hour of sheer pleasure.\"\"Really, how fascinating,\" replies bunny, one eyebrow raised.Oblivious to bunny's lack of enthusiasm, giraffe continues, \"And when I'm thirsty, and I drink water, for a full hour it goes down....and down....and down...It's heaven on earth!\"\"Amazing,\" comments bunny,\"but just one question. Have you ever thrown up?\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1001,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "1.Make race car noises when people get on and off. \n\n2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. \n\n3.Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, \"Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!\" \n\n4.Whistle the first 7 notes of \"It's a Small World\" incessantly. \n\n5.Sell Girl Scout Cookies. \n\n6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. \n\n7.Shave. \n\n8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, \"Got enough air in there?\" \n\n9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down. \n\n10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. \n\n11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. \n\n12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper, \"Ever had a Wet Willy?\" \n\n13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you \"Admiral.\" \n\n14.One word: Flatulence! \n\n15.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go \"plink\" at the bottom. \n\n16.Do Tai Chi exercises. \n\n17.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: \"I've got new socks on.\" \n\n18.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, \"Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!\" \n\n19.Give religious tracts to each passenger. \n\n20.Meow occasionally. \n\n21.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. \n\n22.Frown and mutter, \"Gotta go, gotta go,\" then sigh and say, \"oops!\" \n\n23.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. \n\n24.Sing \"Mary Had a Little Lamb\" while continuously pushing buttons. \n\n25.Holler, \"Chutes away!!\" whenever the elevator descends. \n\n26.Walk on with a cooler that says \"Human Head\" on the side. \n\n27.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, \"You're one of THEM!\" and move to the far corner of the elevator. \n\n28.Burp, then say, \"Mmmmm.....tasty!\" \n\n29.Leave a box between the doors. \n\n30.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. \n\n31.Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers \"through\" it. \n\n32.Start a sing-along. \n\n33.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, \"Is that your beeper?\" \n\n34.Play the accordion. \n\n35.Shadow box. \n\n36.Say, \"Ding!\" at each floor. \n\n37.Lean against the button panel. \n\n38.Say, \"I wonder what all these do?\" and then push ALL the red buttons. \n\n39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. \n\n40.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your \"personal space.\" \n\n41.Bring a chair along. \n\n42.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, \"Wanna see wha in muh mouf??\" \n\n43.Blow spit bubbles. \n\n44.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. \n\n45.Announce in a demonic voice, \"I must find a more suitable host body.\" \n\n46.Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively. \n\n47.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. \n\n48.Wear \"X-Ray Specs\" and leer suggestively at other passengers. \n\n49.Stare at your thumb and say, \"I think it's getting bigger.\" \n\n50.If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, \"BAD TOUCH",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 1002,
"rating": 3.88
},
{
"body": "A teacher just taught her class how to describe stuff, using colors and size. She then decides to play a guessing game with them. She asks, \"what fruit is red both on the inside and the outside?\" A very smart little boy by the name of Johnny, jumped up and answers, \"it's a strawberry.\" The teacher replied, \"no dear, but you're thinking, you're thinking.\"She then asks, \"what is yellow on the inside and sometimes yellow and green on the outside?\" The same little boy jumps up and shouts, \"an orange.\" The teacher smiled patiently and said, \"no Johnny, but you're thinking, you're thinking.\"She then offered them the chance to quiz her. Again, Johnny hollers out and asks, \"what is long, brown, has a red head and in my pants?\"Apalled by his question, she sent him to the corner. He then looked at her and said, \"no miss, it's my pencil, but you're thinking, you're thinking!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1003,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "You know you're from Canada when ... 1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup. 2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 3. The mosquitoes have landing lights. 4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat. 6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas. 7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground. 8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard. 9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow. 10.You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. 11.You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. 12.The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey. 13.At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. 14.The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. 15.Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof. 16.You think the start of deer season is a national holiday. 17.You head south to go to your cottage. 18.You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck. 19.You know which leaves make good toilet paper. 20.The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making. 21.You find -40C a little chilly. 22.The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze. 23.You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorrels. 24.You can play road hockey on skates. 25.You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction. 26.The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. 27.You understand the Labatt Blue commercials. 28.You perk up when you hear the theme from \"Hockey Night in Canada\". 29.You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1004,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol. \"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?\" the officer said. The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, \"What did he say?\" \"He said you were speeding!\" the old man yelled. The patrolman then asked, \"May I see your license?\" The woman turned to her husband again, \"What did he say?\" The old man yelled back, \"He wants to see your license!\" The woman then gave the officer her license. \"I see you are from Arkansas,\" the patrolman said. \"I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.\"The woman turned to her husband again and asked, \"What did he say?\" The old man replied, \"He said he knows you!\"",
"category": "Blind Jokes",
"id": 1005,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said \"Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.\"\n\n\"What do you mean?\" asked the second guy.\n\n\"Well,\" replied the first. \"I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!\"\n\n\"Healthier? How is that?\" his buddy wondered.\n\n\"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches.\" he answered. \"Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years.\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 1006,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night.\n\nOne night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, \"My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?\"\n\n\"What Dear?\" she asked gently.\n\n\"I think you're bad luck.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 1007,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "January 20, 2003 \n \n \nA fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. \"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes,\" he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.\n\n\"What in hell am I doing?\" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. \"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!\"\n\n\"Last week my wife ran off with a cop,\" the man said, \"and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!\"\n\n\"Have a nice night\", said the officer.",
"category": "Military",
"id": 1008,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Once this girl named Mary died in a car crash and went up to heaven.When she got there, there was an angel there.Mary was dumbfounded when she turned around and saw a whole bunch of clocks.Mary asked the angel why were there clocks on the wall. The angel said \"Oh the clocks are for all the people that died and the clocks calculate all the sins that person made in his or hers lifetime.So Mary asked where was Abraham Lincoln's? The angel said \"Oh it's that one over there, the clock went only 2 times to the right cause he only sined 2 times.\" \"Where's Mother Teresa's?\" Mary asked \"Well that one is on your left, since she didn't sin, The clocked never moved.\" \"So where's Bill Clinton's clock?\" Mary questioned. \"Um...I think that one is in Jesus's Workshop. Because I mean ever since the Monica incident, the clock went haywire!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1009,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast.After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said, \"I wonder why they never came down to eat?\" The grooms young brother said, \"Mommy, I think -- \" \"Oh shut up, I don't want to hear what you think!\" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, \"I wonder why they never came down to eat?\" Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day. The young lad once again said, \"Mommy I think -- \" \"Well what is it that you think?\" asked the mother rather irritated. \"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead.\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 1010,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95:\n\n\n\n\n\n\nWILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.",
"category": "Military",
"id": 1011,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The new company recruit was lazy. One morning he dialed the number\nof the cafeteria, but got the wrong number...\n\nWhen someone picked the phone he said, \"I'm don't feel like working\ntoday. Can you send up a coffee and a muffin, and I'll just sit\naround and read the paper?\"\n\n\"Do you know whom you are talking to?\" the other side asked.\n\n\"No.\" he replied.\n\n\"You are talking to the director of this company!\" the other side\nreplied.\n\nThen our friend asked, \"do you know who is talking on this side?\"\n\n\"No.\" the director replied.\n\n\"Good.\" And he put the phone down.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 1012,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "1. Only in Canada......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in Canada.....do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in Canada......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in Canada.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1013,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. \"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.\" Watson replies, \"I see millions of stars.\" \"What does that tell you?\" Watson ponders for a minute. \"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?\" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. \"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 1014,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Man approaches to greet a new neighbor who is just moving into the house next door and asks what he does for a living. \nNeighbor 1: I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning. \n\nMan: Deductive reasoning? What is that? \n\nNeighbor 1: Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog. \n\nMan: That's right. \n\nNeighbor 1: The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family. \n\nMan: Right again. \n\nNeighbor 1: Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife. \n\nMan: Correct. \n\nNeighbor 1: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual. \n\nMan: Yup. \n\nNeighbor 1: That is deductive reasoning. \n\nMan: Cool. \n\n.....Later that same day... \n\nMan: Hey I was talking to that new neighbor next door. \n\nNeighbor 2: Is he a nice guy? \n\nMan: Yes, and he has an interesting job. \n\nNeighbor 2: Oh, yeah? What does he do? \n\nMan: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University. \n\nNeighbor 2: Deductive reasoning? What's that? \n\nMan: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house? \n\nNeighbor 2: No. \n\nMan: Queer!",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 1015,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Two guys were walkin' down a grassy road, houses to the left, houses to the right. Soon, they came across a strange lookin' pile o' somethin' on the ground. \n\nFirst dude: \"Hey, I wonder what this is\"\nSecond dude: \"It's smelly and awful\"\n1st: \"It's brown and nasty\"\n2nd: \"Why don't you taste it?\"\n\nSo the first dude sticked his finger in it, tasted it, and made a face.\n\n1st: \"Argh...I think it's dog poop\"\n2nd: \"Well, at least we didn't step in it\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 1016,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 1017,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.\"Do you wash?\" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.\"Oh, yes,\" Mary answered. \"Each morning, I start at my head andwash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I washup as far as possible.\"\"Well,\" the doctor concluded, \"Go home and wash 'possible'!!!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1018,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A man is sitting in the bar when he notices another patron a fewstools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas but his headwas the size of a thimble. The first man said, \"Please excuse me for staring but I can'thelp but be curious as to why your body is so well developed butyour head is so small.\" The man says, \"Buy me a drink and I'lltell you.\" The drink was bought and the story began. \"I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was theonly survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island afew miles away. I had been there for several months and wassitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or a fish tocome by, so I would have something to eat. Looking up I saw amermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me andinformed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me 3wishes. \"Great, I'd like to be rescued.\" She slapped the water with hertail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island. Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of hertail and here it is. Then noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishedfulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no, itjust wouldn't work, her being half fish and all, so I said\"Well, how about a little head then?\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 1019,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - \"Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1020,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "At age 5 success is not peeing in your pantsAt age 10 success is having friendsAt age 16 success is having your driver's licenseAt age 20 success is having sexAt age 35 success is having moneyAt age 50 success is having moneyAt age 65 success is having sexAt age 70 success is having your driver's licenseAt age 75 success is having friendsAt age 80 success is not peeing in your pants",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1021,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Just keep in mind this was on live radio.... On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they call someone at work and ask if they're married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions and the significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners. This particular day it got interesting: DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know \"Mate Match\"? Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do. DJ: What is your name? First name only please. Contestant: Brian. DJ: Are you married or what Brian? Brian: Yes. DJ: \"Yes\"? Does this mean your are \"married\" or what, Brian? Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married. DJ: Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian. Brian: Sara. DJ: Is Sara at work Brian? Brian: She is gonna kill me. DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work? Brian: (laughing) Yes she is. DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex? Brian: She is gonna kill me. DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man. Brian: About 8 this morning. DJ: Atta boy. Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well... DJ: Number 2: How long did it last? Brian: About 10 minutes. DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake. Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice. DJ: Okay, final question: where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning? Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm... DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it? Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time. DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy! Brian: On the kitchen table. DJ: \"Not that great\"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.(Advertisements) DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we? (touch tones...*ringing*) DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she. DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now. Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours? DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of \"Mate Match\"? Sara: No. DJ: Good. Brian: (laughing) Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to? Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, Okay? Sara: Oh, Brian. DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you three questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea World. Sara: All right. Brian: (laughing) DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara? Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work. DJ: What time? Sara: About 8, I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING. DJ: Great! That's one. Now! How long did it last? Sara: Oh God! Brian...ummm, about 12, 14 minutes I think DING DING DING. DJ: Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I guess she's trying not to harm his manhood. DJ: Last question: where did you do it? Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?! Brian: Just tell him honey. DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara? Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is vacationing with us and... DJ: SHE SAW?!?! Sara: BRIAN?!?! Jesus?!?! Brian: NO, no she didn't. DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer? Sara: Dear Lord... Brian, I cannot believe you told them this. Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida. DJ: Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it? Sara: In the ass. (long pause) DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements) DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 1022,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: \"You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees.\" The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: \"You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?\" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: \"Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?\" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: \"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1023,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. \nThe guy next to him asked: \"Why are you laughing?\" \n\n\"I was thinking about my own funeral,\" the man replied. \n\n\"What's so funny about that?\" \n\n\"I'm a gynecologist.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1024,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, \"Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?\"Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, \"They won't let me fart.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1025,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. The young man said, \"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?\" The old man replied, \"Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 1026,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "13. The check is in the mail. 12. You get this one, I'll pay next time. 11. You look great. 10. Of course I love you. 9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. 8. ...but we can still be good friends. 7. She means nothing to me. 6. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on \"empty.\" 5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone. 4. I'll call you later. 3. I've never done anything like this before. 2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you. 1. I DO.",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 1027,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. \"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve,\" he said.Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, \"Blame your predecessor.\"The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, \"Reorganize.\" This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, \"Prepare three envelopes.\"",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 1028,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll the page down) What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!!!!!",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 1029,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Father Christmas was not in a very good frame of mind - in fact he was very depressed.\n \nThat morning after breakfast, Mrs Santa had told him that her Mother wasoming over to stay 'for a few days' and he knew that would be for several weeks, and as Christmas was approaching her visit was the last thing that he wanted.\n \nThe Elves had neen playing up and had gone on strike for more pay. The replacement elves Santa had put in were much slower and the number of toys that had been made was way down.\n \nFather Christmas went to visit his Reindeers and found that two of them were pregnant and another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest. He was by now even more depressed.\n \nWhat I need is a drink he thought, but upon going indoors he found that the elves had hidden his Whisky and there was nothing left to drink in his liquour cabinet. Deciding upon a coffee he went into the kitchen but managed to drop the Jar of Coffee all over the floor. Now he really was cheesed off!\n \nHe went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles.\n \nAt that moment there was a knock at the front door.\n \nUpon opening it, Father Christmas was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas Tree.\n \n\"Good Morning, Santa\" she called \"Isn't it a really lovely day. I have bought you this beautiful tree, isn't it lovely? Where would you like me to stickit?\"\n \nAnd that is why by tradition we have a Fairy sitting on top of our Christmas Trees.",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 1030,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. asleepfor nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longerpregnant.Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies,\"Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came inand named them.\" The woman thinks to herself, \"Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!\"Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, \"Well, what's the girl's name?\"\"Denise,\" says the doctor.The new mother thinks, \"Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrongabout my brother. I like Denise!\" Then she asks the doctor, \"What's the boy's name?\" The doctor replies, \"Denephew.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1031,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1032,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "3 men were walking home to there house one summer. They all lived right next to each other. All 3 of them had a large swimming pool. They were just getting ready to dive into the pool, when a genie popped out in front of them.\"It's your lucky day!\" said the genie. \"Just jump and say whatever drink you want, and the pool water will turn into it.\"The first man jumped and said \"Budweiser!\" and he jumped into a pool of Budweiser.The second man jumped and said \"Coke!\" and he jumped into a pool of Coke.The third man jumped and said... \"Weeeeeeeee!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1033,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Star Wars vs Titanic\n\n10. Titanic top speed woefully shy of light speed.\n\n9. Leia is a princess, a senator, and a freedom fighter. Rose is\nengaged.\n\n8. \"...using an old Jedi mind trick\" much more interesting way to get\nwhat you want than saying \"Please, I have a child.\"\n\n7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic\ncharacters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians\nto Admiral.\n\n6. Darth Vader wears black body armor and blows up planets for fun.\nCal wears snappy tuxedo and is rude to the poor.\n\n5. Everyone knew the boat was going to sink, but nobody anticipated,\n\"Luke... I am your father.\"\n\n4. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.\n\n3. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he\ncould use the Force to get the key.\n\n2. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg!\n\n1. Sure, Leo can dance, but can he bull's-eye Womp Rats in his T16\nback home?",
"category": "Deep Thoughts",
"id": 1034,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run thecountry. 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the countrybut don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however,like their statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind runningthe country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they canget a seat on the train. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is,they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptionsif the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, whoalso happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long asthey are Democrats. 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores. 11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at thegrocery store.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1035,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. \"Good morning,\" said the young man. \"If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.\" \"Go away!\" said the old lady. \"I haven't got any money\" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. \"Don't be too hasty!\" he said. \"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.\" And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. \"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.\" \"Well,\" she said, \"I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1036,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling self- deprecating tales.In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.\"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?\" asked the taxi driver.Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.\"No, sir, I have never seen you before.\"The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.\"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.\"Doyle remarked, \"This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes.\"\"There is one other thing,\" the driver said.\"What is that?\"\"Your name is on the front of your suitcase.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1037,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine.But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. \"When we came,\" she snapped indignantly, \"he had a hat!\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 1038,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day beforeThanksgiving and says, \"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.\" \"Pop, what are you talking about?\" the son screams. \"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,\" the father says. \"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.\" Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.\"Like hell they're getting divorced,\" she shouts, \"I'll take care of this,\" She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, \"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?\" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. \"Okay,\" hesays, \"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 1039,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Joe asks his wife, Karen, what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary.\n\n\"Would you like a new Mink coat?\" he asks.\n\n\"Not really,\" says Karen.\n\n\"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?\" says Joe.\n\n\"No,\" she responds.\n\n\"What about a new vacation home in the country?\" he suggests.\n\nShe again rejects his offer with a \"No thanks.\"\n\n\"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?\" Joe asks.\n\n\"Joe, I'd like a divorce,\" answers Karen.\n\n\"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much,\" says Joe.",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 1040,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Read each of the following lines out loud. \n\n\n\nThis is this cat \nThis is is cat \nThis is how cat \nThis is to cat \nThis is keep cat \nThis is an old cat \nThis is idiot cat \nThis is busy cat \nThis is for cat \nThis is forty cat \nThis is seconds cat \n\n\n \n\n\nNow, go back and read the THIRD word in each line, starting at the top.",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 1041,
"rating": 4.83
},
{
"body": "Three old men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.The doctor says to the first old man, \"What is three times three?\"\"274,\" was his reply.The doctor worriedly says to the second man, \"It's your turn. What is three times three?\"\"Tuesday\" replies the second man.The doctor sadly says to the third man, \"Okay, your turn. What's three times three\"?\"Nine\" says the third man.\"That's great!\" exclaims the doctor. \"How did you get that\"?\"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple,\" says the third man. \"I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1042,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost \"in a series of small fires.\"The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire,\" and was obligated to pay the claim.Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the \"fires.\"NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim andtestimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.ONLY IN AMERICA",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1043,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A Fishy tale.Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, \"I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten...\"As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, \"Your wish is granted\", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck.Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold; he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. \"Where's Christian?\" he asked. \"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark\", came the reply.Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, \"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.\"Christian replied \"No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. \"Justin cried back \"No, I'm not. That was the old me. I'vechanged.\"...............................\"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1044,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "One day a horse and a chicken were walking along on the farm, talking quietly to themselves. All of a sudden, the horse falls into a hole that he didn't see. \n\nThe horse says to the chicken, \"Go get the farmer. He'll know what to do.\" So, the chicken runs off.\n\nAbout 10 minutes later, the horse hears a car, and he sees the chicken's head peer over the top of the hole. The chicken says, \"I couldn't find the farmer, but I got his car. Hold this rope, and I'll try to drag you out.\" So, after a few minutes, the horse was safely out of the hole.\n\nAbout a month later, both had forgotten all about the hole. They were once again talking and walking about the farm, when all of a sudden, the chicken falls into the same hole. The chicken says to the horse, \"Go get the farmer; he'll know what to do.\" \n\nBut the horse walks around the hole and says, \"I think I can stand over the hole. Grab my thingy, and I'll pull you out.\" And so, about 5 minutes later, the chicken was safely out of the hole.\n\nThis time, they remembered the hole, and never got stuck again.\n\nMoral: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a car to pick up a chick!",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 1045,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There are many different pickup lines:\n1. Hi, i lost my phone number, can i borrow yours?\n2. Hi im new in town, can you give me directions to your house?\n3. Hi im a matress sampler, can i test yours?\n4. Hi, do you believe in love at first sight or should i walk by again?\n5. Hi im a great person. want to screw?\n6. Hi, im a game show host. if you're good in bed i have to give you $10,000.\n7. Hi, im a doctor, need a physical?\n8. Hi, i lost my virginity, can you help me find it?\n9. can i call the police? you've stolen my heart.\n10. (grabbing victims' body part) HELP! I CANT SEE ANYTHING!!\n11. You theif! You've stolen my heart and you wont give it back.\n12. Is it hot in here or is it just you?\n(for women to mem)13. I'm so funny, i'll make you laugh LONG and HARD!\n14. I'm so big you wont know what went into you.\n15. Wanna go out back? I have something to show you.",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 1046,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe a mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.'Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, 'Hell no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle. 'The old lady fainted.",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 1047,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A man goes to the hosital because he is having pains in his stomach. He tells the doc what is wrong and the doc says \"You have constipation, you will need to take one of these suppository's every 6 hours for a week. I can help you with the first one.\" So, reluctantly, the man drops his pants, bends over, and the doc shoves it in. Later, at home, he is having a little trouble inserting the next one, so he asks his wife for help. He tells her what to do, drops his pants and bends over. She then puts one hand on his shoulder and starts pushing it in. \"Damn!\" the guy screams, \"What? Did I hurt you?\" his wife replies. \"No,\" said the man \"But I just realized something...the doctor put 2 hands on my shoulders!!!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1048,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His Mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, \"Well, Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. Why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead?\"\n\nAfter Leroy threw a temper tantrum, his mother sent him to his room, where he finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.\n\nDear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Leroy.\n\nNow, Leroy knew that Jesus really understood what kind of boy he was - a brat - so Leroy ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.\n\nDear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year, and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Leroy\n\nWell, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest either, so he tore it up and tried again.\n\nDear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year, and can I have a bicycle? Leroy\n\nLeroy looked deep down into his heart (which, by the way, was what his mother really wanted). He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can, and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about the streets, depressed because of the way he had treated his parents. For the first time, he really considered his actions.\n\nLeroy finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He went inside and knelt down, looking around but not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden, he grabbed a small statue and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed, and wrote this letter:\n\nJesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. From, You know who.?\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 1049,
"rating": 4.75
},
{
"body": "This guy met a woman at a bar and she took him home to have sex. Afterwards when he is getting dressed, he sees a picture of some guy on her dresser.\nHe asks her who the picture is of and she replies, \"Don't worry about it.\"\nHe then says, \"Well is that your husband?\"\nShe says that it is not.\n\"Well, is that your boyfriend?\"\nAgain she says no.\nThe guy then says, \"Well then, who the hell is it?\"\nShe replies, \"It was me before my operation.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 1050,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A san diego patrolman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5000 in a safety competition. \"what are you going to do with the money? \"the officer asked.\"i guess i\"ll go to driving school and get my license, \" the man answered.\"don't listen to him,\" said the woman in the passanger seat. \"he's a smart alect when he is drunk.\"This woke up the man in the back seat, who saw the cop and said, \"i knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car.\"Then there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice asked in spanish, \"are we over the border yet?\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1051,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "After being married for 27 years this guy tells his wife that he is bored and is going to the bar to have a drink. As he enters the bar this gorgeous blond call him over. She says instead of you staying down here and drinking why don't you come upstairs to my apartment and we can drink and have sex all night. He is dumbfounded but decides to go. After a night of drinking and crazy sex he falls asleep and when he awakes he looks at the clock and says . O my god it's 3:00 A.m. I must go . It was great but you know I'm a married man and I don't want my wife to find out about this. She says don't worry it was just a one night stand. As he is leaving he says thank you and then asks her if she had any powder. She gives him the powder and he rubs it on his hands. He then leaves to go home. As he opens the door his wife is standing there all pissed off. She says \"and where were you\", He replies I was at the bar and I met this gorgeous woman and she invited me up to her place for drinks and a night of wild sex. She says \"let me see your hands\" He put out his hands and she says \"DON'T LIE TO ME YOU WENT BOWLING\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 1052,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man sees a woman joging down the street while throwing back her arms, pushing her chest out and repeating \"I must, I must, increase my bust. Totally puzzled by this the man stops her.\n\nMAN: Why are you doing that.\n\nWOMAN: My doctor told me that doing this exercise and repeating I MUST, I MUST, INCREASE MY BUST, would help me get bigger boobs.\n\nMAN: It's wasn't doctor Simpson by any chance was it.\n\nWOMAN: Yes, but how did you know that.\n\nMAN: Oh well, I've been to him too.\n\nWOMAN: Really, what for.\n\nMAN: Hickory dickory dock ....",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1053,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Alabama: At Least We're not MississippiAlaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!Arizona: Dehyd-rific!Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't EverthingCalifornia: As Seen on TVColorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't BotherConnecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less CharacterDelaware: (this was left blank--does this mean Delaware is too small to have a motto?)Florida: Ask Us About Our GrandkidsGeorgia: We Put the \"Fun\" in Fundamentalist ExtremismHawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real GoodIllinois: Gateway to IowaIndiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave FreeIowa: Land of James T. KirkKansas: First Of The Rectangle StatesKentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last NamesLouisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism CampaignMaine: Cheap LobsterMaryland: A Thinking Man's DelawareMassachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)Michigan: First Line of Defense From the CanadiansMinnesota: For SaleMississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own StateMissouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at WorkMontana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little ElseNebraska: Ask About Our State Motto ContestNevada: Whores and Poker!New Hampshire:Go Away and Leave Us AloneNew Jersey: You Want a #$@%#!@ Motto? I Got Yer #$@%#!@ Motto Right Here!New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent PetsNew York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an AttorneyNorth Carolina: Tobacco is a VegetableNorth Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!Ohio: Don't Judge Us by ClevelandOklahoma: Like the Play...Only No SingingOregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For DinnerPennsylvania: Cook With CoalRhode Island:We're Not REALLY An IslandSouth Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually SurrenderSouth Dakota:Closer Than North DakotaTennessee: The Educashun StateTexas: Se Hablo InglesUtah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your JesusVermont: YepVirginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!Wisconsin: Come Cut Our CheeseWyoming: Wynot?",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1054,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Hey what are you going to do for a face when that ape wants his butt back?\n\n last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a bannana.\n\n I usually don't forget a face but for you i'll make an exception\n Want to know why birds fly upside down over Iowa? because it ain't worth crap\n\n Your So Fat that when you walked in a zoo the elephants threw peantuts too you",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 1055,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, \"I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?\"Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1056,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "1 star hangover * - No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka red bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.2 star hangover * * - No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed byaimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.3 star hangover * * * - Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because her perfume / aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends, after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.4 star hangover * * * * - You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgemsdepending on your gender. Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyeslook like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a week's pay for one of the following:Home time, doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.5 star hangover * * * * * - You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ... very gently.6 star hangover * * * * * * - You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in ayacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She / He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1057,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Three guys, a Canadian, Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are given one wish each by an Arabian genie.The Canadian says \", My family has been in farming for ten generations; I wish for all Canadian land to be fertile.\"POOF he gets his wish.Bin Laden says \", I love the land I live in and I don't want any horrors to enter, I wish for a wall to be built around Afghanistan.\"POOF he gets his wish.Uncle Sam says \", tell me more about this wall.\"\"Well, it is ten feet thick, 4,000 feet high and inpenetrable.\"\"Fill it with water.\"",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 1058,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, \" He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on.\" So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, \"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.\" He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 1059,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, \"I'm going to a Halloween\nparty, and I want to go as Adam.\"\n\nThe girl brings out a fig leaf.\n\nBut he says, \"Not big enough!\"\n\nSo she brings out a bigger one.\n\n\"Still not big enough!\"\n\nSo she brings out a HUGE fig leaf.\n\n\"Still not big enough!\" he proudly tells her.\n\nSo she says, \"Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your \nshoulder and go as a gasoline pump?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1060,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "1. \"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.\"\n\n2. \"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.\"\n\n3. \"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness\"\n\n4. \"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!\"\n\n5. \"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?\"\n\n6. \"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.\"\n\n7. \"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.\"\n\n8. \"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?\"\n\n9. \"Damn, there go the lights again....\"\n\n10. \"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them.\"\n\n11. \"What do you mean you want a divorce?\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1061,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:\nGet their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The\nnext day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.\nAshley said, \"My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.\nOne time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat \nof the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying \nand broke and made a mess.\"\n\"What's the moral of the story?\" asked the teacher.\n\"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!\"\n\"Very good,\" said the teacher.\n\nNext little Sarah raised her hand and said, \"Our family are farmers too.\nBut we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time,\nbut when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this\nstory is, \"don't count your chickens before they're hatched.\"\n\"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?\"\nYes, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Mike. Uncle Mike was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine \n gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then he\nkilled the last ten with his bare hands.\"\n\nGood heavens,\" said the horrified teacher, \"what kind of moral did your \ndaddy tell you from that horrible story?\" \"Stay the hell away from Uncle Mike when he's been drinking.\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 1062,
"rating": 4.83
},
{
"body": "A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg...so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: \"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.\" The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a rude letter of complaint.A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:\"Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.\" Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:\"Dear Sir, since we have not been able to make you happy, this is our last suggestion, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass, and go as a caramel apple!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1063,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their newChief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society he had never beentaught the old secrets, so when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what theweather was going to be.Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that thewinter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the villageshould collect wood to be prepared.But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service andasked, \"Is the coming winter going to be cold?\"\"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,\" the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.One week later he called the National Weather Service again. \"Is it going to be a very cold winter?\"\"Yes,\" the man at National Weather Service again replied, \"it's going to be a very cold winter.\"The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect Every scrap of wood they could find.Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. \"Are youabsolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?\"\"Absolutely,\" the man replied. \"It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.\"\"How can you be so sure?\" the Chief asked.The weatherman replied, \"The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 1064,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived \nat London's Gatwick Airport. My wife headed for the British passport \ncontrol line while I, an American, waited in the foreigners' line.\n\nWhen my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my \nvisit.\n\n\"Pleasure,\" I replied. \"I'm on my honeymoon.\"\n\nThe officer looked first to one side of me, then the other.\n\n\"That's very interesting, sir,\" he said as he stamped my passport. \n\"Most men bring their wives with them.\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 1065,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "My brother-in-law and I decided to spend the long weekend getting back\nto nature. We rented a trailer, took off to a secluded lake, got into\nour brand-new hiking gear, and promptly got lost.\n\nWe tried all the tactics we could remember from movies to figure out\nwhat direction we were headed. Moss on the trees? There wasn't any. The\ndirection of the sun? It was heavily overcast.\n\nJust as we were about to panic, my brother-in-law spotted a cabin off\nin the distance. He pulled out his binoculars and studied it closely.\nWith a cry of \"A-ha!\" he turned and led us right back to our camp.\n\n\"That was fantastic,\" I said. \"How did you do it?\"\n\n\"Simple,\" he replied. \"In this part of the country all the satellite\ndishes point south.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1066,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. \"I'm not getting out of bed at this time,\" he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. \"Aren't you going to answer that?\" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. \"Hi there,\" slurs the stranger. \"Can you give me a push??\" \"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed,\" says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, \"That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?\" \"But the guy was drunk,\" says the husband. \"It doesn't matter,\" says the wife. \"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.\" So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, \"Hey, do you still want a push?\" And he hears a voice cry out, \"Yeah, please.\" So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, \"Where are you?\" And the drunk replies, \"Over here, on the swing.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 1067,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal; you have to pay for it. IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK.....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK.....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...You get your own toilet. AT WORK.....You have to share. IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK.....You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK.....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK.....They are called supervisors.",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 1068,
"rating": 4.29
},
{
"body": "1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be \nimported legally but President Clinton has banned all smoking --damn\nyou, Chelsea!\n\n2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western American crops and livestock.\n\n3. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed sighted at Yassar \nArafat's tomb in Detroit.\n\n4. 35-year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.\n\n5. Texas executes last remaining citizen.\n\n6. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.\n\n7. Baby conceived naturally -- scientists stumped.\n\n8. Authentic year 2000 Florida \"chad\" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 \nmillion.\n\n9. Ozone created by electric cars kills thousands in Los Angeles.\n\n10. In sports news: Average height of NBA players now 9'7\". Baseball \nplayers threaten to strike.\n\n11. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, \nand baseball bats be registered by January 2036.\n\n12. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.\n\n13. Average worker's weekly Social Security (FICA) contribution hits \n$2,000. Protests planned.\n\n14. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.\n\n15. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; but continues to cast votes.\n\n16. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation for 748th time. \nNo response.\n\n17. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.\n\n18. Spam, called \"worse than it ever has been,\" is \"ruining online \nexperience.\" Congress considering a law to tax it.",
"category": "Science",
"id": 1069,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. \"What's in the bags?\", asked the guard.\n\n\"Sand,\" said the cyclist.\n\n\"Get them off - we'll take a look,\" said the guard.\n\nThe Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.\n\nTwo weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.\n\nA few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. \"Say friend, you sure had us crazy\", said the guard. \"We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?\" \"Bicycles!\"",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 1070,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "Bob and Dave would always meet each other for drinks after work. One day, Bob did not show. Dave became worried and was going to look for him when he ran into Bob at the door. Bob's hair was all mussed, his clothes were disheveled and grass-stained, and he was covered in sweat. \nDave:Oh, man, are you okay? Did you get mugged?\nBob:No, you won't believe what just happened to me. I was on my way over here by the railroad tracks and I saw this woman lying buck naked in the grass!\nDave:No way!\nBob:Oh, yeah! She had the most gorgeous body! Man, I did her every dirty way I could think of!\nDave: No way! Did you get a BJ?\nBob: Oh, no. She didn't have a head.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1071,
"rating": 2.17
},
{
"body": "a man goes on a trip to japan on business. inbetween sessions, he goes to play golf. he ends up having the worst day of his life. all double bogeys. a fellow golfer tells him the best way to correct this is to go get laid, so he will relax. he goes to the local, and goes at it. the lady spends the entire evening screaming, naha sari! over and over. the man then triumphantly returns, and at the first hole, he hits a hole in one! thinking of the night before , he smiles, and yells, naha sari! the man golfing with him looks and says, \"what do you mean wrong hole?\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1072,
"rating": 3.6
},
{
"body": "The judge asked the defendant to please stand. \"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.\"From out in the gallery, a man shouts, \"Lying bastard!\"\"Silence in the court!\" the Judge says to the man who shouted.He turns to be defendant and says, \"You are also charged with killing a jogger with a shovel.\"\"Damn tightwad!\" the same man in the gallery blurted out.\"I said QUIET!\" yelled the judge.To the defendant, \"You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.\"\"You four-flusher!\" the man from the gallery yelled.The judge thundered at the man in the galley, \"If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!\"The man answered, \"I've lived next door to that man for ten years now, and he never had a tool when I needed to borrow one!\"",
"category": "School",
"id": 1073,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Did you know Jennifer Lopez use toeat 2 gallons of ice cream a day?It's all BEHIND her now!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1074,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Know Your State Sotto Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It, Yet ! ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Georgia: We Put The \"Fun\" In Fundamentalist Extremism ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the \"S\" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Michigan: First Line Of Defense, From The Canadians ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nevada: Hookers and Poker! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Jersey: You Want A Stinkin' Motto? I Got Yer Stinkin' Motto Right Here! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To an attorney... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tennessee: The Educashun State IS THAT 'WRITE', CUZIN PAUL ?? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Vermont: Yep ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared!",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1075,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The Shortest Books Ever Written* 1000 Years of German Humor* Everything men know about women* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers* Italian War Heroes* Who's who in Puerto Rico* Americans' Guide to Etiquette* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages* Safe Places to Travel in the USA* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction* Contraception by Pope John Paul II* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu* Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 1076,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his\ncousins shot him.\n\n\"Well,\" Bubba began, \"We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my\ncousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows\nwanna go hunting?'\"\n\n\"And then what happened?\" the officer interrupted.\n\n\"From what I remember,\" Bubba said, \"I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm\ngame.'\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 1077,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "\"Sixty is the worst age to be,\" said the 60-year-old. \"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!\"\"Ah, that's nothin',\" said the 70-year-old. \"When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toiletall day and nothin' comes out!\"\"Actually,\" said the 80-year-old, \"80 is the worst age of all!\"\"Do you have trouble peeing too?\" asked the 60-year-old.\"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.\"\"Do you have trouble crapping?\" asked the 70-year-old.\"No, I crap every morning at 6:30.\"With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, \"Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.So what's so tough about being 80?\"\"I don't wake up until 7:00!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1078,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "* Oops! * Has anyone seen my watch? * That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.* Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!* Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?* OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.* Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.* Come back with that! Bad Dog!* Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?* Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie* If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.* Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?* Damn, there go the lights again...* Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.* Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!* Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.* I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.* Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.* Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?* What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!* What do you mean, he's not insured?* This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?* Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?* Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.* What do you mean \"You want a divorce\"!* I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.* Let's hurry, I don't want to miss \"Bay Watch\"* That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?* Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.* Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?* Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!* FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1079,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, \"And get me a whisky you cow!\" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.\nWhen this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, \"And get me another whisky you dolt!\". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.\n\nUnaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, \"I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll whip the snot out of you!\".\n\nNext moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. \n\nPlunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, \"For someone who can't fly you're a lippy guy!\".",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 1080,
"rating": 4.2
},
{
"body": "An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.\"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.\"So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, \"I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.\"\"Honey, what's for supper?\" No response.So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. \"Honey, what's for supper?\" No response.So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. \"Honey, what's for supper?\" No response.On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. \"Honey, what's for supper?\". No response.So he walks right up behind her. \"Honey, what's for supper?\"\"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1081,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.\"Come have a look over here\", says Bubba, \"It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.\"\"That's nothing\", says Earl, \"here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.\"Just then, Jeb yells out, \"But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!\"\"What was his name?\" asks Bubba.Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, \"Miles, from Georgia.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1082,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man who drank only beer all his life walked into his regular bar. He asks the bartender, give me a shot of wiskey fast. The bartender says to the man,you have been coming in here for years and all you drink is beer. What seems to be the trouble? The man replys: I just found out my first son is gay.The bartender says ,sorry to hear that. The man drank his drink and left. The next day the same man entered the bar. Bartender give me another shot make it a double! The bartender says what seems to be the problem today? The man repled, I just found out my second son is gay.The bartender replys sorry to hear that. The man drinks his drink and leaves. The next day the same man comes in and says: bartender give me the GODDMN bottle!! Then the bartender asks: doesn't anyone in your family like women? The man said: Yeah, my wife.",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 1083,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-releasedtheir great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their agingaudience. Some examples: Herman's Hermits: \"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker\" The Rolling Stones: \"You Can't Always Pee When You Want\" Credence Clearwater Revival: \"Bad Prune Rising\" Marvin Gaye: \"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts\" The Who: \"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication\" The Troggs: \"Bald Thing\" Carly Simon: \"You're So Varicose Vein\" The Bee Gees: \"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip\" Roberta Flack: \"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face\" Johnny Nash: \"I Can't See Clearly Now\" The Temptations: \"Papa Got a Kidney Stone\" ABBA: \"Denture Queen\" Leo Sayer: \"You Make Me Feel Like Napping\" Commodores: \"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom\" Procol Harem: \"A Whiter Shade of Hair\" The Beatles: \"I Get By With a Little Help From Depends\".",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 1084,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: \n\n\"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?\" \n\nThe birch says he cannot tell. \n\nJust then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, \n\n\"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech \nor a son of a birch?\" \n\nThe woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: \n\n\"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!\".",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1085,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "There is a bear chasing a rabbit through the forest and they're running and running and they stop because a ginnie appears. The ginnie says \" if you two stop fighting and chasing each other i'll give you each three wishes\"They agree. The bear wishes first for the biggest \"package\" of all the bears in the whole forest.And his wish comes true. The rabbit then wishes for an unlimited supply of carrots. His wish is granted too. The bear's second wish is that all the bears in the forest , except him, are female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. The bear's last wish is that all the bears fall madly in love with him. The rabbit's final wish is that the bear becomes gay, and the rabbit jumps on his motorcycle and rides away.",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 1086,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in ananimated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them atfirst, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one ofthe men say the following: \"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I comeonce-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and peetwice. Then I come one lasta time.\" \"You foul mouthed swine,\" retorted the lady indignantly. \"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!\" \"Hey, coola down lady,\" said the man. \"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 1087,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss.\nI tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.\nLater I go to eata lunch ata drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a\n spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me\n everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the\n table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma bitch. \nI don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch.\n \nSo I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla\n the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet.\n So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better\n not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch.\n \nI go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. \n \nI go back to Italy.",
"category": "Ethnic Jokes",
"id": 1088,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Plez compleet this paper, best ya can. Last name: ________________ First name:[_] Billy-Bob [_] Billy-Joe [_] Billy-Ray [_] Billy-Jack[_] Bubba Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation:[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic[_] Janitor [_] Still Operator[_] Un-employed Spouse's Name: ______________________________2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________Lover's Name: _______________________________2nd Lover's Name: ____________________________ Relationship with spouse:[_] Sister[_] Aunt[_] Mother [_] Cousin [_] Daughter[_] Pet Number of children living in household: ___Number of children living in shed: ___Number of children that are yours: ___ Mama's Name: ____________________Daddy's Name: ____________________ Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)If you obtained a higher education what was yourmajor?[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? Vehicles you own and where you keep them:___ Total number of vehicles you own___ Number of vehicles that still crank___ Number of vehicles in front yard___ Number of vehicles in back yard___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No) Firearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck ____ kitchen____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse____ shed ____ pawnshop Model and year of your pickup: 194_ 195_ 196_ 197_ Do you have a gun rack?[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest[_] Guns and Ammo [_] Bassmasters ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO___ Number of times you've seen Elvis___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe:[_] Weekly[_] Monthly[_] Not Applicable How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___Color of teeth:[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow[_] Brown [_] Black[_] N/A Brand of chewing tobacco or snuff you prefer:[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal[_] Levi-Garrett [_] Copenhagen [_] Days Work [_] Garrett Sweet Snuff[_] Cannon Ball How far is your home from a paved road?[_] 1 mile[_] 2 miles[_] don't know",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 1089,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?A. '66 Ford Fairlane B. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle C. '64 Pontiac GTO 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine per hour, how many radiators are required to condense the product? 4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 trees per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14\". How many Budweiser tall-boys will it take to cut the trees? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine at 24 inches on center with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1\" thick rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land? 8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields? 9. A coal mine operates an NFPA class 1, division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift? 10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1090,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Three guys get to heaven,Bob, Larry and Bill, and before they enter St. Peter warns them \"whatever you do don't ever, ever, step on a duck. Once one quacks, they all do, and they make a terrible racket\". Bob enters heaven and immediately steps on a duck. So an angel comes up to him and chains a large hairy ugly woman to him for eternity, and says \" I told you not to step on a duck\". The next week Larry steps on a duck. An angel comes to him and chains a very ugly woman to him for eternity and says \"I told you not to step on a duck\". Bill hadn't stepped on a duck since he had gotten into heaven, then one day an angel comes up to him and chains a beutiful supermodel to him. He asked her why she was there and she turned to him and said, \" I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1091,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "What bird represents freedom ?The EagleWhat bird represents peace ?The DoveWhat bird represents true love ?The Swallow",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 1092,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "There was an English man, Irish man And a Scottish man who all wanted to get into the RAF.So the English man went up to the Sargeant and asked him how to get in the RAF so the Sargeant told him you had to go blow up a building without anyone seeing him.So that night he went to blow up a building and he went up to the Sargeant and said 'I've blown up a building without anyone seeing me and Sargeant said 'How many letters in the alphabet' and he replied '26' so the Sargeant said 'right your in' and the next day the Scottish man did the same and replied with 26 so he was in too.And the day after the Irish man went and did the same but replied with 24 so the sargeant said 'You must be bonkers cause theres 26' but the Irish man said 'You must be bonkers because I've just blown down B & Q!'",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1093,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "There are three guys in a sauna. All of a sudden there is a beep. so guy number one slaps his hand, and guy number two asks what that was. Guy one says he got his beeper implanted in his hand. He goes off and reurns his call. A little while later he comes back and hears a cell phone jingle, and guy number two puts his hand up to his ear and starts talking. Later, guy number three who was not to up to date on this new technology asks what that was about. Guy two said he got his cell phone implanted in his hand, because he kept losing it. Guy number two walks out of the sauna and says he has to get one up on theese guys. He returns to the sauna and has three feet of toilet paper hanging out of his butt. At the same time guy one and guy 2 ask what is that, so guy 3 says Don't bother me- I'm receiving a FAX.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 1094,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A man walk up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.The woman imediately goes to her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and proceeds to explain why.The suervisor is puzzled by this time and says, \"What's wrong with your co-worker complimenting on ow your hair smells?\"The woman replies.\"He's a midget\"",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 1095,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly. \"Do you sell Viagra here?\"The pharmacist answers firmly, \"Yes, Sir. We certainly do.\"The man then asks \"Do you think i could get it over the counter?\"The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, \"perhaps, if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1096,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "This guy walks into a bar and ask the bar tender for a drink. He gets his drink and minds his own business and looks up and down the bar. To his amazement, he is stunned to see a 10' pianist on top of the bar. \"Hey bartender,\" he says...\"What is that 10' pianist doing on top of your bar?\" \"Well, you see this lamp?\" asks the bartender. \"Rub this lamp and you can make a wish, and you will see why I have a 10' pianist on the bar.\" So the man rubs the lamp and he wishes for a million bucks. All of a sudden, the doors pop open and a million ducks come flying into the bar. \"Hey wait a minute!\" says the man. \"I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks.\" The bartender looks at him and says...\"I didn't want a 10' pianist either.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 1097,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says \"Got any grapes?\" The bartender says \"No\" so the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender, and says \"Got any grapes?\" The bartender says \"No\" so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says \"Got any grapes?\" The bartender says \"Look duck. We don't have any grapes today, we didn't have any yesterday, and we definitely won't have any tomorrow. If you come back in here and ask for grapes again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor.\" So the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks \"Got any nails?\" The bartender says \"No.\" Then the duck says \"Oh good. Got any grapes?\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 1098,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy \n cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a \n double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very \n valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat \n for two dollars. \n The storeowner replies \"I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. \n The collector says, \"Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch \n mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.\" \n And the owner says \"Sold,\" and hands over the cat. \n The collector continues, \"Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could \n throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to eat and it'll save me from \n having to get a dish.\" \n And the owner says, \"Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this \n week I've sold sixty-eight cats.\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 1099,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at\n\tbreakfast.\n\n\tAs he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his\n\twife,\n\n\t\"You aren't that good in bed either!\"\n\n\tBy midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned\n\thome. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered\n\tthe phone.\n\n\t\"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?\"\n\n\t\"I was in bed.\"\n\n\t\"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?\"\n\n\t\"Getting a second opinion.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1100,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should\n\n\t1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.\n\n\t2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, \n of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, \n reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back \n down to give the vacuum one more chance.\n\n\t3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection \n(lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will \nsomehow 'remove' all the germs.\n\n\t4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for \n one armrest in a movie theater.\n\n\t5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept \n onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he \n finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.\n\n\t6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the\n \"open here\" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort\n to the 'illegal' side.\n\n\t7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole\n purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh\n ground pepper.\n\n\t 8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number\n and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.\n\n\t9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog \n presses its nose to it.\n\n\t10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always\n letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.",
"category": "English",
"id": 1101,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "What surgical operation would you suggest for someone who constantly \"has their head up their arse\"?\n\nA lobottomy (lo-bottom-y).",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1102,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?\n\nA: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.\n\nQ: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?\n\nA: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily\nallowance of vegetable slop. \n\nQ: Is beer or wine bad for me?\n\nA: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal,\nmineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table\nof elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger\nand a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.\n\nQ: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?\n\nA: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your\nratio is two to one, etc.\n\nQ: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?\n\nA: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.\n\nQ: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?\n\nA: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress\nyourself to death in record time.\n\nQ: Aren't fried foods bad for you?\n\nA: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How\ncould getting more vegetables be bad for you?\n\nQ: What's the secret to healthy eating?\n\nA: Thicker gravy.\n\nQ: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?\n\nA: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want\na bigger stomach.\n\nQ: Is chocolate bad for me?\n\nA: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around!\n\nI hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.\n\nHave a cookie... flour is a veggie!",
"category": "Science",
"id": 1103,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A duck walks into a bar.It asks the bar tender if he has any crackers??The bartender says No.The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks the same question.The bartender says \"No, i dont have any crackers,\"The next day the same thing happens, with the same response from the bartender.On the 4th day the duck came in and asked the same question.The bartender says \"No, i dont have any crackers and if you ask again i will nail your beak to the floor!!\"The next day the duck walks into the bar and asks if the bartender has any nails.the bartender says No.The duck says \"Good, do you have any crackers!?!?!\"By SAM",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 1104,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "How To Tell When You're Really Old:\n\nYou find yourself listening to talk radio.\n\n\nYou daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.\n\n\nThe pattern on your shorts and couch match.\n\n\nYou fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.\n\n\nYou think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.\n\n\nYou criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.\n\n\nYou call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.\n\n\nYou turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.\n\n\nWhen grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.\n\n\nWhen jogging is something you do to your memory.\n\n\nGetting a little action means your prune juice is working.\n\n\nAll the cars behind you flash their headlights.\n\n\nYou remember the \"Rolling Stones\" as a rock group not a corporation.\n\n\nYou bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.\n\n\nYou actually ASK for your father's advice.\n\n\nYou don't know how to operate a fax machine.\n\n\nWhen someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 1105,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A chicken and an egg check into a cheap motel room.Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette. The egg says, \"Well, that settles that.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1106,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked outta the toy box??? Because she sat on pinocchio's face and said \"LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME!!!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1107,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth - a total mess. He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, \"Did you find out what is wrong with my car?\" The mechanic replies, \"It looks like you've blown a seal.\" \"No, no,\" says the penguin. \"It's just ice cream, I swear!!!\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 1108,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "your family is so poor that when i went 2 your house i stepped on a ciggarette butt and yo moma said \"hey, who turned off the heating?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1109,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.ESCAPEE.Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.COURTESY FLUSH.Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.WALK OF SHAME.Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.SAFE HAVENS.Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.TURD BURGLAR:Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.CAMO-COUGH.Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.ASTAIRE.Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.WATERMELON.Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.HAVANA OMELET.Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.UNCLE TED.Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.FLY BY.Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 1110,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "There was this Magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captains parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience. After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happen that the Magician went overboard and managed to hold one a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says \"Ok, what did you do with the ship?\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 1111,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, \"I built a big house for our mother.\" The second said, \"I sent her a Mercedes.\" The third smiled and said, \"I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.\" Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: \"Milton,\" she wrote one son, \"The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!\" \"Gerald,\" she wrote to another, \"I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.\" \"Dearest Donald,\" she wrote to her third son, \"You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!\".",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1112,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the bonnet. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.\"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. Cya!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1113,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "There is a black man , and australian aborigine and a samoan in a car.Who is driving ???---- Police officer",
"category": "Military",
"id": 1114,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him\nto come into his office. \"What is your name?\" was the first thing\nthe manager asked the new guy.\n\n\"John,\" the new guy replied.\n\nThe manager scowled, \"Look, I don't know what kind of a place you\nworked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It\nbreeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I\nrefer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker\n- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that\nwe got that straight, what is your last name?\"\n\nThe new guy sighed and said, \"Darling. My name is John Darling.\"\n\n\"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 1115,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "As he was quietly watching television at home, the chap heard a sound on the roof of his house and rushed out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly called up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovering units was on the way and to remain calm. A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuahua dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a 12-gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan: \"First I'll climb up there with the ladder. Then I'll approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuahua will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo...\" Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asked why he was handed the 12-gauge shotgun? \"Well,\" explained the experienced gorilla retriever, \"It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof, the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball, shoot the dog.\".",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1116,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Hey, that shirt really looks becoming on you, then again, if I were that shirt, I'd be coming too!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1117,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "One day long ago. There was a king who gathered all the people of the land. He said if anyone could swim across the lake (with crocodiles) would have their choice of : a castle, money, or his daughters hand in marriage.\nOne man jumped up and yelled \"I can do it!\" He tried and failed. Another man said \"I can do better than that.\" So he jumped in and didn't make it either. Next the crowd heard a splash. A man swam all the way across the lake. The king asked him \"Which one would you like? A castle, money, or my daughters' hand in marriage.\" The man replied \"I want the idiot that pushed me in!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1118,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time there was a priest and a nun that were traveling on a camel. On a desert. Then in 3 months the camel dies. So the priest and the nun were stuck with each other alone. The priest find no other way to survive.So he says,\" I'm going to show you something that you never seen before.\" So he pulls out his thing and says,\"this is my tool of giving life.\" So the nun says,\"really then stick it in the camel so we can get the hell out of here.",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1119,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an \"A\" so far for the semester. \n\nThese four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. \n\nRather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. \n\nThe professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. \n\nThey looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. \"Cool,\" they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, \"this is going to be easy.\" Each finished the problem and then turned the page. \n\nOn the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?",
"category": "School",
"id": 1120,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. \"T-Square, do your stuff.\" T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. \n\nThe Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, \"Slide Rule, do your stuff.\" Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. \n\nThe Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, \"Measure, do your stuff.\" Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great. \n\nThe Government Worker called to his dog and said, \"Coffee Break, do your stuff!\" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 1121,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, \"Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck,\" shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, \"Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck.\" He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, \"Go see if that was a duck.\".",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1122,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective, Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling tales about himself in which he was the laughing-stock. Here is one of those stories. As he tells it, he was waiting at a taxi- stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up,he put his suitcase in it and got in himself. As he was about to tell the taxi-driver where he wanted to go, the driver asked him: \"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?\" Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight. The driver said: \"No Sir, I have never seen you before.'' The puzzled Doyle asked him what made him think that he was Conan Doyle. The driver replied: \"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduce that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.\" Doyle said: \"This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes.\" \"There is one other thing,\" the driver said. \"What is that?\" \"Your name is on the front of your suitcase.\".",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1123,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, \"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.\" \"Dear,\" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, \"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!\".",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 1124,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'I invented the cordless extension cord.I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says '1 inch = 1 inch'. I hardly ever unroll it.My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone when I came back the entire area was missing.There was a power outage at a department store yesterday; twenty people were trapped on the escalators.I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?'When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My (new) phone has no 'five' on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know, my calendar has no 'seven's on it.'I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly] and says 'Here, you can go.'I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, 'Hey, these records are all blank.'I filled out an application that said 'In Case Of Emergency Notify:' I wrote 'Doctor.'I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.If you take an Oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said, 'Hi,' and she said, 'Hi,' and then I said, 'Nice day, isn't it?' and she said, 'I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem.' So I asked, 'What's the problem?' She replied, 'I can't tell you. I don't even know you.' I said, 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name is Denise.' I said, 'Hello, Denise. I'm Bucky Goldstein.'Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it.I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?You know that feeling when you lean back too far on a stool and catch yourself just before you fall backwards? I feel like that all the time.",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 1125,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "How do you get an epheopian in a phonebox?PUT A TIN OF BEENS IN THEREHow do you get em out?RUN PAST WITH A CAN OPENER",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1126,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "What do u call a Lesbian Dinosaur?A Lickalottapus",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1127,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken lay the egg?Because everyone else was taken",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1128,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton and Representative Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment. They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:\"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1129,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A photographer, who was also a confirmed athiest, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage. It was a beautiful day....fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.While snapping shots, the athiest heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running....... and looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him. He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the athiest saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw...... and the athiest cried out, \"Oh, God, no!\"And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the athiest heard a booming voice say, \"Young man. For years you doubted my very existance, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?\"And the athiest thought for a moment, and said, \"Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?\" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, \"Done.\"And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw.And the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, \"Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1130,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.\nThere was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:\n\n\"Look, it's not the same hat.\"\n\n\"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.\"\n\n\"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?\"\n\nThe magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.\n\nOne day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.\n\nThey stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.\n\nAfter a week the parrot said: \"OK, I give up. Where's the boat?\".",
"category": "Military",
"id": 1131,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q:Why did Minie Mouse get kicked out of the sand box?A:Becase she sat on Pinochio's face and said \"Lie to me Pinochio lie!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1132,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A three legged dog is walking down the middle of the road with a shotgun in his hand. When he was asked why he had a shotgun he said \"I'm looking for the man who shot my pa\".",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 1133,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each other's friendship.\n\nOne day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, \"Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't.\"\n\nThe older friend stares at her, looking very distressed says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, \"How soon do you have to know?\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 1134,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A guy goes into a bar and says \"Bartender give me ten shots of tequila.\" Bartender says \"Ok\". So he lines them up side by side on the counter. The guy drinks them up really quick. The bartender says \"Man you must be having a really good day today!\" The guy says \"Yeah, I just got my first blowjob today.\" The bartender says \"Well, let me buy you the eleventh one on the house.\" The guy says \"No, if ten can't get the taste out of my mouth eleven ain't gonna do it.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 1135,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.The first said, \"I built a big house for our Mother.\" The second said, \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\" The third smiled and said, \"I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.\"Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: \"Milton,\" she wrote one son, \"the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\" \"Gerald,\" she wrote to another, \"I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!\" \"Dearest Donald,\" she wrote to her third son, \"you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1136,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. \"I'm not getting out of bed at this time,\" he thinks, and rolls over.Then a louder knock follows. \"Aren't you going to answer that?\" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.\"Hi there,\" slurs the stranger. \"Can you give me a push??\"\"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed,\" says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, \"That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?\"\"But the guy was drunk,\" says the husband. \"It doesn't matter,\" says the wife. \"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.\"So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, \"Hey, do you still want a push?\" And he hears a voice cry out, \"Yeah, please.\" So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, \"Where are you?\" And the drunk replies, \"Over here, on the swing.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 1137,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Why don't afganistan's people teach sex ed, and drivers ed, on separate days?\n\nanswer: the camels can't take it all in one day.",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 1138,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room\nwas taken.\n\n\"You've got to have a room somewhere,\" he pleaded, \"or just a bed,\nI don't care where.\"\n\n\"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force\nguy,\" admitted the manager, \"and he might be glad to split the cost.\nBut to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in\nadjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be\nworth it to you.\"\n\n\"No problem,\" the tired Navy man assured him, \"I'll take it.\"\n\nThe next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and\nbushy-tailed. \"How'd you sleep?\" asked the manager.\n\n\"Never better.\"\n\nThe manager was impressed. \"No problem with the other guy snoring?\"\n\n\"Nope, I shut him up in no time,\" said the Navy guy.\n\n\"How'd you manage that?\" asked the manager.\n\n\"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,\" the\nsailor explained.\n\n\"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight,\nbeautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 1139,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, \"what's with the spoon?\"The waiter said,\"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, \"I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else\". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, \" hey, there's a string on your pants\". The waiter tells him, \" not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.\" The husband was impressed, but asked, \" it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?\". The waiter leaned close and whispered, \" well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 1140,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There were these three texans and they were gonna go to mexico to get drunk. Well they go there get drunk and pass out they wake up the next morning in jail. They ask the gaurds what they are in for. The gaurd says the only thing he knows is that they were to be executed for their crimes. Well the day comes and the first guy gets strapped to the electric chair. The gaurd asks if he has any last words. The guy says \" I'm from Baylor University and I beleive in the almighty power of god to prevail on the innocent.\" The gaurd flips the switch and nothing happens so they let him go. The next guy gets strapped in and the gaurd asks for his last words. He says \" I'm from texas Tech and I beleive in the almighty power of justice to prevail on the innocent.\" The gaurd flips the switch and nothing happens so they let him go. The next guy is brought in and he says \" I'm a Texas Aggee eeletrical eengineer and I tell you you'll never eelectrocute noone if you don't connect those two wires.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 1141,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "The hunchback of notre dame dies so they need to find a new bell-ringer. this guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it. \"but you've got no arms!\" everyone explains. He says I'll use my mouth. So he uses his mouth to ring the bell and goes flying out of the window because the bell is so heavy.He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers.\"who's that guy?\" one person says. \"I dunmno, but his face rings a bell!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1142,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family. \nA few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. \n\nIncredulous, one reporter asked, \"But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed.\" \n\nExasperated, the Pope answered, \"Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments.\".",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1143,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "An elderly couple were driving across the country.\nThe woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.\nThe officer said, \"Ma'am did you know you were speeding?\" \n\nThe woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, \"What did he say?\"\nThe old man yells, \"He says you were speeding!\" \n\nThe patrolman says, \"May I see your license?\"\nThe woman turns to her husband and asks again, \"What did he say?\" \nThe old man yells, \"He wants to see your license!\" \nThe woman gave the officer her license. \n\nThe patrolman says, \"I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.\" \n\nThe woman turned to her husband and asked, \"What did he say?\" \n\nAnd the old man yells, \"He said he knows you!\".",
"category": "Blind Jokes",
"id": 1144,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "How Dogs and Men Are the Same\n\n1. Both take up too much space on the bed.\n2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.\n3. Both mark their territory.\n4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.\n5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.\n6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.\n7. Neither does any dishes.\n8. Both fart shamelessly.\n9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.\n10. Both like dominance games.\n11. Both are suspicious of the postman.\n12. Neither understands what you see in cats.\n\nHow Dogs Are Better Than Men\n\n1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.\n2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.\n3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.\n4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.\n5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.\n6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).\n7. You can train a dog.\n8. Dogs are easy to buy for.\n9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).\n10. Dogs understand what \"no\" means.\n11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.",
"category": "Men",
"id": 1145,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "One day a man and his wife are playing golf at their home course. On a certain par four, the man tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods.\n\nThey find his ball directly behind one of the greenskeeper's buildings where equipment is stored, so that he can't play toward the green at all.\n\n\"Damn!\" the man says, \"I'll have to play sideways to get back on the fairway. I'll make five at best.\"\n\nBut his wife, who had been looking things over, said \"Look, this shed has double doors at both ends. If we open them up, you can hit a low shot right through the building toward the green.\"\n\nThe man congratulated his wife on her cleverness and they set up for the shot. But the ball hit the top of the far doorframe and came whistling back, striking his wife in the temple and killing her dead on the spot.\n\nA year or so later, the same man was playing the same par 4 and hit his tee shot in almost exactly the same spot as before, right behind the building.\n\nAs he is cursing his luck and preparing to swing, one of his playing partners says, \"Wait, look we can open these double doors and...\"\n\n\"No way,\" the man says, cutting him off. \"I was here last year and tried that shot and ended up making a six.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1146,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "What do the Star Ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?\n \nThey both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 1147,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A new preacher told his wife he was going to preach on water skiing,she said you can't preach on water skiing. if you do i am not going, so she stayed home in the house behind the church as the preacher listened to the singing and got ready to preach and thought I don't know anything about water skiing I will preach on sex,after church a deacon walked by the house and told the preachers wife it sure was a good sermon.and the preachers wife said am really surprised he only tried it twice and fell off both times.",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 1148,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "One day a blonde was golfing. She hit the ball into the sand and went to retrieve it. She was just bending down to get it when she heard a small voice\" If you pick me up I will grant you three wishes.\" \"ok\" she agreed. She picked him up and he said\" Whatever you wish your husband will get 20 times more\" \"alright, for my first wish I want to be beautiful and flawless\" \"Ok that can be done but remember your husband will 20 times more beautiful!\" \"ok\" She became beautiful.\"For my second wish I would like to have a trillion dollars\" \"Ok remember about your husband!\" \"I dont mind\" The blonde felt a wad of money grow in her pocket. \"ok for my last wish I would like to have a small, tiny very little heartattack\" \"Ok but your husband will get 20 times...\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1149,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were sitting in the OB/GYN's office and the brunette and the redhead were discussing whether they were having boys or girls.The redhead said that she was on top and the doctor said that was how to get pregnant with a boy.The blonde, listening, began to cry.The brunette said that she was on the bottom and the doctor said that was how to get pregnant with a girl.The blonde then began crying in earnest.The brunette and redhead rushed over and asked her what was wrong. The blonde said, \"Red is having a boy, you are having a girl and I have just figured out that I am having puppies!!!!!!!!!!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1150,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "SEX IS LIKE A KFC YOU START WITH THE BREAST, WORK YOUR WAY DOWN THE THIGH AND ALL YOUR LEFT WITH IS A GREASY BOX TO PUT YOUR BONE IN",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 1151,
"rating": 3.63
},
{
"body": "a chinese guy,a white guy, and a black guy all get a job at the same place.the boss comes out and says,\"i'm leaving for awile,and when i get back i want to see this place swept,and that pile of dirt out front shoveled and in five diffrent piles.\" so he tells the white guy,\"you are in charge of sweeping.\" he tells the black guy,\"your in charge of shoveling.\" and finally he tells the cinese guy,\"your in charge of the supplies.\" he leaves and comes back in about three hours and sees nothing done.\nso he asked the white guy,\"why didn't you do anything?\" he replies,\"i would have but the chinese guy didn't give me a broom.\" so he askes the black guy,\"why haven't you done anything?\" he also replies,\"the chinese guy didn't give me a shovel.\" so he goes to look for the chinese guy, but he couldn't find him. finally he walks over to the pile of dirt and the chinese guy hopped out and said,\"supplies!\"",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 1152,
"rating": 3.25
},
{
"body": "A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. \nUpon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?' \n'There are three colours', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What colour are you going to wear tonight?', she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'Really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice if you came second for a change!'.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1153,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the fight at the seafood grill last night?\n(no)\nWell, the fish got battered!!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1154,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "why was the washing machine laughing?it was taking the piss out the knickers!!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1155,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "what do you do with a dog with no legs?\nTake him for a spin!",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 1156,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "How do you make a kleenex dance?You put a little boogie in it.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1157,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for.\n\nThe first man said, \"It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30!\"\n\nThe second then asked, \"Can you get it over the counter?\"\n\n\"You probably could, if you took two pills\", said the first man.",
"category": "Science",
"id": 1158,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There was a little boy who lived on a farm. One morning when he got up from bed his mother told him he needed to start doing his chores around the farm. The little boy said he would take over the chores for his dad. So he went to the barn and milked the cow when he was done he kicked the cow right in the ass. Then he went and fed the pig, when he was done he kicked the pig in the ass. Then he went to feed the chicken, when he was done he kicked the chicken in the ass. After the chores were done the little boy went into the house and said to his mother \"The chores are done I want some breakfast\". So the mom put a dry bowl of cereal down in front of the little boy, he said, \"What about the milk?\", and the mother replied \"You can't have any milk because you kicked the cow in the ass\". The little boy said, \"Well how about some bacon?\" the mother replied, \"You can't have any bacon because you kicked the pig in the ass\". The little boy said \"Can I at least have an egg?\" The mother replied, \"No, you kicked the chicken in the ass\". In walks his father, who kicked the cat, and the little boy said to his mother \"Do you want to tell him or should I?\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 1159,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Why are eggs so frustrated?They only get laid once, eaten once, and you have to boil them to eat them hard!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1160,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary `s hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. \"Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?\" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. \"You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him,\" he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. The she replies, \"Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 1161,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.\"Mother, I want to quit the veil.\"\"But why, my child?\"\"To become a prostitute.\"\"What? What are you saying?\"\"I said I want to become a prostitute, mother.\"\"Oh, you had me worried. I thought you said protestant!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1162,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'' Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?'' The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.'' And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.'' And Adam said, ''What is a 'caress'?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'' And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.'' And Adam asked, ''What is 'make love', Lord?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ''Lord, what is a 'headache'?''",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1163,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty. A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: 'Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.'The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says 'Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1164,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. \n\nLooking up, he asks the Lord... \"God, what does a million years mean to you?\" \n\nThe Lord replies, \"A minute.\" \n\nEinstein asks, \"And what does a million dollars mean to you?\" \n\nThe Lord replies, \"A penny.\" \n\nEinstein asks, \"Can I have a penny?\" \n\nThe Lord replies, \"In a minute.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1165,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "There was a priest who was drowning in the ocean. He called out to God for help.\nAll of a sudden, a canoe came and the guy said \"Father, let me help you\".\nThe priest replied \"No, no my son. The Lord will save me.\"\nThe canoe leaves and the father calls out to God again. All of a sudden, a yacht showed up. The captain said \"Father, let me help you\". The priest again replied \"No my son, the Lord will save me\". The yacht leaves and the father is calling out to God again. All of a sudden, a big cruise ship showed up. The captain said with a megaphone \"Father,let us help you\". The priest again replied \"No my son, the Lord will save me.\" \n\nThe priest drowns and he's in heaven face to face with God. He said \"My Lord. I called out to you but you didn't help me. Why?\"\n\nGod replied: \"I did help you. I sent you three ships\".",
"category": "Military",
"id": 1166,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down.\n\n\"What was that for?\" the Chinese man asked.\n\n\"That was for Pearl Harbor!\" the Jewish man said.\n\n\"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese.\"\n\n\"Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!\"\n\n\"Oh!\"\n\nThey continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground.\n\n\"What was that for?\" the Jewish man asked.\n\n\"That was for the Titanic!\"\n\n\"The Titanic? That was an iceberg.\"\n\n\"Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1167,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says \"Father forgive me for I have sinned.\" The priest asks \"What did you do?\". The woman says \"I committed adultery.\" Priest: \"How many times?\" Woman: \"Three times.\" Priest: \"Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.\" A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says \"Father forgive me for I have sinned.\" Priest: \"What did you do?\" Man: \"I committed adultery.\" Priest:\"How many times?\" Man: \"Three times.\" Priest: \"Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.\" The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says \"Father forgive me for I have sinned.\" Rabbi: \"What did you do?\" Woman: \"I committed adultery.\" Rabbi: \"How many times?\" Woman: \"Once.\" Rabbi: \"Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1168,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying \"Jesus is watching you\". He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, \"Jesus is watching you.\" Freaked out, he shone his light around, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. \"Did you say that?\" he hissed at the parrot. \"Yep,\" the parrot confessed, \"I'm just trying to warn you.\" The burglar relaxed. \"Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?\" \"Moses,\" replied the bird. \"Moses\" the burglar laughed. \"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?\" \"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus,\" the bird answered.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1169,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.\nSeveral nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.\n\"And so,\" says St. Peter, \"have you ever had any contact with a man's member?\"\n\"Well,\" says the first Nun in line, \"I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.\"\n\"OK\" says St. Peter, \"Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.\"\nThe next Nun admits that \"Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.\"\n\"OK\" says St. Peter, \"Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.\"\nSuddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.\n\"Well now, what's going on here?\" says St. Peter.\n\"Well, your excellency,\" says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, \"If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her rear in it.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1170,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.\"God? You there, God?\" he asked\"Yes. What is it, my son?\" God answered.\"Mind if I ask a few questions?\" the man asked.\"Go ahead, my son, anything.\"\"God, what is a million years to you?\"God answered, \"A million years to me is only a second.\"The man asked, \"God, what is a million dollars worth to you?\"God replied, \"A million dollars to me is worth only a penny.\"The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. \"God, can I have a penny?\"God answered, \"Sure, give me a second.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1171,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The head of the monastery wanted to check how strong his priests are in resisting temptetion.\n\nHe called 3 of them to his room, and ordered them to put a small bell on their member.\n\nAfter that, he went to the first guy, and showed him a picture of a gorgeous naked girl.\n\n\"Gling Gling\", went the bell, and the head of the monastary was furious: \"you call yourself a monk? you are as weak as a baby!\".\n\nHe went then to the second guy, and showed him a cover of a dirty porn movie.\n\n\"Gling Gling\", went the bell.\n\n\"you are a disgrace! get out of my sight!\".\n\nAlmost in complete dispair, he went to the thirs guy and showed him a cover of a porn-magazine. There was silent.\n\n\"Way to go, son, you are the only man here worth to be call a monk\", the head of the monastery said, while putting his hand on him.\n\n\"Gling Gling\", went the bell.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1172,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and wastaking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if hecould drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn'thave much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the backof the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on 95 and starts accelerating to see whatthe limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 mph and, WHAM !, there arethe blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well thetrooper, seeing who it was, says \"just a moment please I needto call in.\" The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief\"I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I needto know what to do.\" The chief replys \"Who is it, not Ted again ?\" The trooper says, \"No, even more important.\" The chief replys, \"It's the Governor, is it ?\",the trooper replys \"No, even more important.\" \"It's isn'tthe President is it ?\" \"No, more important\", replys the trooper. \"Well WHO the HECK is it !\", screams the chief. \"I don't know \" says the trooper. \"But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1173,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, \"I'm not very busy, today, why don't you let me show you around?\"The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.The guy asks, \"What's up with these clocks?\"St. Peter explains, \"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.\"The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?St. Peter explains, \"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.\"This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, \"What's the story with that clock?\"\"Oh, that,\" St. Peter replies, \"That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1174,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.Finally, the Lawyer asked, \"Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?\"The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, \"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1175,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "There was a priest who decided to enter a monastery. This monastery had strict vows of silence. On his first day, the head abbot told him he could only speak two words every ten years.At the end of his first ten years, the head abbot told him he could speak his first two words. \"Bed hard!\" he said. The abbot recorded this in a book.At the end of his second ten years, he was told he could speak his next two words. \"Food bad!\" he said. The abbot recorded this in the book as well.At the end of the third ten years, he was allowed to speak his next two words. \"I quit!\" he stated.\"Well that doesn't surprise me,\" said the abbot. The record shows you've done nothing by complain for the past thirty years!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1176,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.\n\nThe Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.\n\nThe day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, \"I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win.\"\n\nAn hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, \"First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?\"\n\nMeanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. \"What happened?\" they asked.\n\n\"Well,\" said Moishe, \"first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.\"\n\n\"And then?\" asked a woman.\n\n\"I don't know,\" said Moishe. \"He took out his lunch and I took out mine.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1177,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. \nOne day God called to Satan to mock him, \"So, how's it going down there in Hell?\" \n\nSatan replied, \"Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\"\n\nGod was surprised, \"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.\" \n\n\"No way,\" replied Satan. \"I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him.\" \n\nGod threatened, \"Send him back up here now or I'll sue!\" \n\nSatan laughed and answered, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1178,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter. \n\n\"You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?\" \n\nSt. Peter, thinking, nodded his head, then said, \"How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year.\" \n\nGod shook His head before saying, \"No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back.\" \n\n\"Hmmm,\" St. Peter reflected. \"Well, how about Mercury?\" \n\n\"No way!\" God muttered. \"It's way too hot for me there!\" \n\n\"I've got it,\" St. Peter said, his face lighting up. \"How about going down to Earth for your vacation?\"\n\nChuckling, God remarked, \"Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1179,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Bholaji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.\u201cOh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.\u201d Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Bholaji goes back to the temple. \"Bhagwan please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.\u201d Lotto night comes and Bholaji still has no luck. Back to the temple he goes. \"My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?\"Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Bholaji is confronted by the voice of God: \"Bholaji, buy a damn lottery ticket first.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1180,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, \"It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.\" Adam answered, \"Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?\" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, \"Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable.\" And the Lord replied, \"Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve.\" And Adam said, \"What is a 'caress'?\" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, \"Lord, that was even better than the kiss!\" And the Lord said, \"You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve.\" And Adam asked, \"What is 'make love' Lord?\" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, \"Lord, what is a 'headache'?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1181,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.\n\n\"Hello? Hello?\"\n\nJesus replied, \"Who is it?\"\n\n\"Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son,\" the old man replied.\n\nJesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, \"Joseph?\"\n\nThe voice answered back, \"Pinocchio?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1182,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in. \"No thank you, the Lord will save me!\" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away. The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told him to get in. \"No thank you, the Lord will save me!\" he said again, and the man rowed away. The waters covered the house and the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in or he'll drown. \"No thank you,\" the man said again, \"The Lord will save me!\" After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the man drowned and went to heaven where he met God. \"Lord, I don't understand,\" he told Him, frustrated, \"The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me but you didn't! Why?\" The Lord just shook his head and said, \"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1183,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:\n\n-Fire Insurance Inside\n-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned\n-God Answers Knee Mail\n-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!\n-Sign broken, come inside for message\n-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!\n-Regis isn't the only on to offer a lifeline\n-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme\n-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place\n-The best position is on your knees!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1184,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.\n\nUpon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.\n\nShe arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, \"I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!\"\n\nThe angel replies, \"Sorry. I didn't recognize you.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1185,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "One morning a man came into the church on crutches. \nHe stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.\n\nAn alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.\n\n\"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle,\" the priest said. \n\"Tell me where is this man now?\"\n\n\"Flat on his butt over by the holy water,\" said the boy.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1186,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.\"But--where is your beard?\" asks his mother upon seeing him.\"Mama,\" he replies, \"in America, nobody wears a beard.\"\"But at least you keep the Sabbath?\"\"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath.\"\"But kosher food you still eat?\"\"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher.\"The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, \"Isaac, tell me--you\u2019re still circumcised?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1187,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "This lady approaches a priest and tells him, \"Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.\" \n\n\"What do they say?\" the priest asked. \n\n\"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'\" \n\n\"That's terrible!\" the priest exclaimed, \"But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.\" \n\n\"Thank you,\" said the lady. \n\nThe next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. \n\nThe lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, \"Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?\" \n\nOne male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, \"Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1188,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their\nlooks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold.\nIf one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to\nbe turned up. One was terribly pessimistic, and the other equally\noptimistic.\n\nOne Christmas their father hit upon a way to cure them of their\ndifferences. He went out and bought the fanciest, most exciting train\nset for the pessimistic boy. For the optimist he got a Christmas\nstocking and filled it with horse manure.\n\nChristmas morning came, and after the boys had opened their gifts,\nthe dad asked each what Santa Claus had brought him.\n\n\"Well,\" said the pessimist, \"I got a train set, but I'll probably\ncut myself putting the track together, and it's got an electric\ntransformer, so I'll probably electrocute myself, and, besides, the\nwhole thing will probably break in a week.\"\n\nThe dad was pretty disappointed that he had failed to cheer up the\npessimist, but figured he may still have cured the optimistic boy.\n\n\"What about you, son,\" he asked the optimist. \"What did you get?\"\n\n\"I got a pony!\" he exclaimed, jumping up and down with excitement.\n\"Only I haven't found it yet!\"",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 1189,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A priest and doctor were out golfing. The doctor gets up to take his first shot. He swings and misses the ball completely.\n\n\"God dammit, I missed,\" says the doctor.\n\nThe sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast.\n\n\"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain,\" says the priest.\n\n\"I am sorry, Father,\" replies the doctor.\n\nThe doctor steps up again to tee off and misses the ball once again.\n\n\"God dammit, I missed,\" says the doctor. \n\nThe sky darkens even more and a low rumble resounds throughout the land.\n\n\"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain,\" says the priest.\n\n\"I am sorry, Father,\" replies the doctor.\n\nOnce again, the doctor tries to take a swing at the ball and completely misses. He throws his club to the ground and yells, \"God dammit, I missed.\"\n\nThe heavens roared and the storm erupted, sending a lightning bolt down and straight into the priest, which struck him dead.\n\nThen a booming voice arose from the sky and said, \"Dammit, I missed.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1190,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.\n\nThe first said, \"I built a big house for our mother.\"\n\nThe second said, \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\" \n\nThe third said, \"I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.\"\n\nSoon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, \"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\"\n\nShe wrote to the second son, \"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude.\"\n\nShe wrote to the third son, \"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1191,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A sampling of the best lightbulb jokes:\n\nQ. How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb?\n\nA. Seven. One to change the lightbulb, one to say the opening prayer, one to say the closing prayer, and four to bring green jello salads and red punch.\n\nQ. How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?\n\nA. We can't know. \n\nQ. How many motivational speakers does it take to change a light bulb?\n\nA. One to do it and every other one on earth to stand around saying that they did it first in the 80's.\n\nQ. How many deists does it take to change a light bulb?\n\nA. None. If the light bulb no longer interferes with the world, why bother interfering with the light bulb?",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1192,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A burglar was cruising through a posh suburb looking for an opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video outfit. That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, he drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in.It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal. \"I see you and Jesus sees you,\" a voice said. The burglar froze in his tracks.\"I see you and Jesus sees you,\" the voice said again.When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shined it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch.\"I see you and Jesus sees you.\"The burglar laughed. \"Just a dumb bird,\" he said. The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that's when he saw a big and mean looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot's perch.\"Sic him, Jesus!\" the parrot said",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1193,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, \"So, how's it going down there in Hell?\" Satan replied, \"Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\"God exclaimed, \"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.\"\"No way,\" replied Satan. \"I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.\"God threatened, \"Send him back up here now or I'll sue!\"Satan laughed and answered, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1194,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.\n\nMassive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.\n\nAlso, instead of translating to \"A great miracle happened there,\" the message on the dreidel will be the more generic: \"Miraculous stuff happens.\" In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.\n\nOne of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.\n\nFortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of \"Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1195,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Three couples -- one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed -- wanted to join a church. The priest said, \"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.\" The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, \"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?\" The old man replied, \"No problem at all, Father.\" \"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!\" said the priest.The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, \"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?\" The middle-aged man replied, \"The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it.\" \"Congratulations! Welcome to the church,\" said the priest.The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, \"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?\" \"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,\" the young man replied sadly.\"What happened?\" inquired the priest.\"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it,\" said the young man. \"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.\"\"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,\" stated the priest. \"We know,\" said the young man. \"We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1196,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "1. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.2. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.3. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, \"Break Forth Into Joy.\"4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.5. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be \"What Is Hell?\" Come early and listen to our choir practice.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1197,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A catholic priest was giving confession one day when members of hiscongregation walked in and said, \"Forgive father for I have sinned...Icheated on my husband/wife this week and I have no one else to turn to.\"The priest would reply, \"You are forgiven my child...but try to keep fromrepeating this sinful nature.\"Sunday morning comes and he decides to direct his sermon to all of thosepeople who had committed adultery. The congregation was observant in thepriest's actions because he said if they couldn't do better than this hewould leave the church. The congregation liked the minister, so they came upwith a code word for every time they had committed adultery...they would gointo confession and say that they had \"fallen\" that week.A couple of years later, that priest had died and was replaced. It came timefor the new priest to do confessions and he noticed that many of his memberswere coming in, saying they had \"fallen\". The new priest was concerned abouthis congregation and took it upon himself to go to the courthouse and talkto the mayor.The priest walks into the mayor's office and says, \"Mr. Mayor, you have todo something about your sidewalks and walkways in the community.\"The mayor looking puzzled asks, \"Sidewalks?\" The priest says, \"Yeah. Many of your citizens have fallen this week!\"The mayor realizes what the priest is talking about and says, \"There's noneed to be concerned father. Don't worry about it and go home.\"The priest replied, \"No need to worry about it...I think if anyone should beworried it should be you; even your wife has fallen 3 times this week.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1198,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her.However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.\"Oh, yes,\" she replied. \"Never sell that cow!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1199,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "One beautiful morning a athiest was walking through the forest, admiring natures surroundings...He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled...He saw the river glisten in the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside...He thought to himself that mother nature had made a true and wonderful world...The athiest had walked a little further down the track he had taken when suddenly a bear jumped out of the bushes only a few yards ahead of him and started growling, looking hungry and ran quickly towards him...Seeing the big bear bounding towards him he screamed in horror and started running as fast as he could away from the bear...Knowing that the bear would catch up to him and he had no chance, the athiest soon ran out of breath and in a few paces fell to the ground... As the bears shadow fell upon his face and his paws come down upon his chest, the athiest screamed \"oh help me god\"Suddenly the trees that he so much admired stopped swaying...The river he loved suddenly stopped flowing..And the sky opened up and a voice begun to speak..\"I am god, and even though you dont believe in me, i am here for every being on this earth\"The athiest felt relieved a little bit and asked god...\"Im sort of in this situation, im only asking if you can help me get out of it\"God thought for a moment and said...\"I will give you one wish to help you and that is all, you may proceed with this wish\"The athiest thought about this wish for a moment and then spoke to god..\" Well i dont really want to become a christian, so i wish the bear to become a christian\"God spoke...\"So be it done\"Suddenly the sky closed up...The river turned back into its flowing glory...The trees began to sway again...And the bear clapped his paws together and said...\"Thankyou god for this meal im about to recieve\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1200,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Three preachers and their wives were killed in a car accident, upon their arrival at the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter.The first preacher walked up and said\" Hello St. Peter, I'm ready to come in\".St. Peter checked his list and said\" I'm sorry your name is not in the book.\"\"What!\" exclaimed the preacher,\" I have been a preacher for thirty years!\" \"Yes\" replied St. Peter,\"However,you are guilty of glutteny, you loved food and sweets so much you even married a woman named Candy.\"The pastor,defeated took his wifes hand and walked away.The next preacher came up to the St. feeling pretty certain he would be allowed in. \"I'm ready to come in St. Peter\" he said with a smile.\"I'm sorry, your name is not in the book.\" \"HOw can that be?\" asked the preacher, \"I have been a pastor for 20 years!\" You are guilty of the sin of greed, you loved money so much, you married a woman named Penny.\" Defeated, the preacher took his wifes hand and walked away. The last preacher, certain of the out-come, turned to his wife and said, \"Come on Fanny, I'm not gettin' in.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1201,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "Jesus is crucified, hanging on the cross up on a hill. Below the hill there is a crowd of onlookers, including St. Peter. \"Peter! Peter! I need to tell you something\" Jesus cries. So Peter, devoted to his Lord, breaks from the crowd towards the hill only to be stopped by a group of Roman soldiers, beat up and thrown back down.\"Peter! Please, I need to tell you something!\" Jesus cries.Again, full of faith and love for Christ, he runs up the hill and almost gets past the soldiers. But, he's caught, beat up again and tossed back into the crowd. Finally, Jesus screams \"Peter, I must tell you something. Please, come to me!\"Peter, sorrowed by his Lord's suffering, runs up the hill bloody and bruised and finally makes it past the soldiers. He kneels in front of Jesus: \"Here I am my lord, your faithful servant. What is it that you need to tell me?\"Jesus smiles and says \"Yo, I can see my house from up here.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1202,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A sales representative from a major chicken producer is sent on a mission to the Vatican.He meets with the Pope: \"Holy Father, my company would like to make a substantialdonation to the Holy Mother Church - but there's only one condition....\"\"Yes, my son?\"\"We'd like you to authorize changing the Lord's Prayer from \"Give us this day our dailybread to give us this day, our daily chicken.\"\"I don't know my Son. Tradition and all, you know.\"\"Well your Holiness, we are prepared to give you a Million dollars to do this.\"\"I don't know my Son. Tradition and all, you know.\"So, the chicken man, hurries off for a quick phone call to his boss and he comes back.\"Your Worship, I am authorized to go up to one Billion dollars if you change \"Give us thisday our daily bread, to give us this day our daily chicken.\"The Pope shrugs with a smile and says, \"Well, now, my Son, give me a call tomorrow.\"Later that day the Pope has a big meeting with his Cardinals, Bishops, Prieststhe whole Vatican family is there.He says to them, \"Boys, I gotta some a good news, and I gotta some a bad news....\"\"The good news is that the Holy Mother Church has come into one Billion dollars!!\"(CHEERING! APPLAUSE! BRAVO! BRAVO!!!)\"Boys, the bad news is that we have lost the Wonderbread account!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1203,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church. \"Reverend,\" she said, \"I have a problem, myhusband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's veryembarrassing. What should I do?\"\"I have an idea,\" said the minister. \"Take this hatpin with you.I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I willmotion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him agood poke in the leg.\"In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticingthis, the preacher put his plan to work. \"And who made theultimate sacrifice for you?\" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.\"Jesus!\", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with thehatpin.\"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,\" said the minister. Soon, Mr.Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. \"Who isyour redeemer?\" he asked the congregation, motioning towardsMrs. Jones.\"God!\" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.\"Right again,\" said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did notnotice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a fewmotions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet herhusband with the hatpin again.The minister asked, \"And what did Eve say to Adam after she borehim his 99th son?\"Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, \"You stick thatgoddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in halfand shove it up your ass!\"\"Amen,\" replied the congregation.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1204,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "The Pope and the manager from Taco bell were talking one day and the man goes we will give you one million dollars if you change the lords prayer from bread to taco. The Pope goes no my people in Rome wouldn't be happy. The man from Taco Bell goes how about one billion dollars? The Pope say's no beder not. The Man goes last of is one trillion dollars. The Popes eyes lite up and say's ok. The Popes goes to Rome and say's I have some good news and bad news the good news is we made one trillion dollars the bad news is we lost our deal with wonder bread.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1205,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man joining a monestary was told he was to take a vow of silence and was only to be allowed to speak two words every five years.After the first five years had passed he walked into the chambers of the head Monk and said \"Bed Hard\", then turned and walked out. After the next five years passed he returned to the chambers of the head Monk and said \" Food Cold \", then turned and walked out. After the next five years had passd he once again entered the chambers of the head Monk and said \"I Quit\". The head Monk looked at him and replied. \"Well, that doesn't surprise me one bit, you've done nothing but complain since you got here\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1206,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A black preacher and a white preacher went on a hillside to find out if God was black or white. The white preacher askes, \"God, are you black or white\"? God responds, \"I Am that I Am\". The white preacher says \"He's white\". The black preacher says, \"Why do you say that\"?! The white preacher says, \"If He were black, He would have said, 'I Is that I Is'\".",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1207,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle ofnowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as youmight expect, a shipwreck:2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman,2 German men and 1 German woman,2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman,2 English men and 1 English woman,2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman,2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman,2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman,2 American men and 1 American woman, and2 Irish men and 1 Irish womanOne month later on these same absolutely stunningly beautifuldesert (and deserted) islands in the middle of nowhere, the followingthings have occurred:One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.The two French men and the French woman are living happilytogether in a menage-a-trois.The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternatingvisits with the German woman.The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek womanis cleaning and cooking for them.The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them tothe English woman.The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean,another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, arestaurant, and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant inorder to supply employees for the store.The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicidebecause the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body,thetrue nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, thenecessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sandand palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected heropinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with hermother is improving, and at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South andset up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picturebecause it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconutwhiskey.But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1208,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, \"Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. \n\nAnother said, \"Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away.\" \n\nThe third said, \"I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1209,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "there two boys and they live in a small little town in virginia. These two boys are especially bad and are always in trouble. after the two boys got cought for steeling one day there mothers sent them to talk to the town priest. So the two boys went to talk to the pastor and the pastor asked the smallest child to come in and talk to him. well the pastor asked the young child \"do you believe in god?\" the young boy answered shyly \"yes\" so the pastor said ok \"do you know where god is?\" the young boy had a puzzled look on his face and said \"nope\" so the pastor said again \"do you know where god is?\" the boy looked back and said \"i alreay told you no\" so the pastor asked a last time \"do you know where god is?\" at that time the boy ran out the room and to his older brother. The older brother asked \"whats wrong?\" the young boy answered \"were in big trouble now\" \"oh well were always in trouble whats the big deal?\" the young boy answered \"now God is missing and they thing we've done it.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1210,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.The mechanical engineer said, \"I think a rod broke.\"The chemical engineer said, \"The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas.\"The electrical engineer said, \"I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system.\"All three turned to the computer engineer and said, \"What do you think?\"The computer engineer said, \"I think we should all get out and then get back in.\"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 1211,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long 1. Tech Support calls \"YOU\" for help. 2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say \"LOL\". 3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on. 4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other. 5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so \"we can hang out\". 6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. 7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to- face. 8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut. 9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away. 10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it. 11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences. 12. You have met over 100 AOLers. 13. You begin to say \"heh heh heh\" instead of laughing. 14. When someone says \"What did you say?\" you reply \"Scroll up!\" 15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep. 16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again. 17. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouses. 18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook. 19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own. 20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night). 21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are. 22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, \"Mommy, please come and cook\" dinner and you would rather type another \"LOL\". 23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time. 24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved. 25. Your dog leaves you. 26. You have to ask what year it is. 27. You write a letter like this.. \"dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta go bbl!\" 28. You name your pets after people you talk to. 29. You smile sideways... 30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list. 31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy. 32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer. 33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you think \"uh oh cyber sex perv\". 34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours. 35. You use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one he he he). 36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling. 37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it. 38. Your worse comeback to a bully is \"I'll slap ya w/a rubber chicken!\" 39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee. 40. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake. 41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen. 42. You don't know where the time has gone. 43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand. 44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead. 45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo. 46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or **kisses**. 47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme. 48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is \"BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL\". 49. You type faster than you think. 50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office. 51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa. 52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted. 53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie. 54. People say, \"If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes & fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!\" 55. You dream in \"text\". 56. Being called a Newbie is a \"MAJOR\" insult. 57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really bored. 58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something. 59. You double click your TV remote. 60. You can now type over 70wpm. 61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies. 62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say \"BRB\" or \"BBL\". 63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail. 64. You go into withdrawals during dinner. 65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room. 66. You stop speaking in full sentences. 67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up \"giving\" tech support to other AOLers. 68. You have to be pried from your computer by the \"Jaws of Life\". 69. You know what a \"snert\" is. 70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail\" & while there you \"just wanted to see who was online\".",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 1212,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: \"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon.\"\n\nIn response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: \"If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:\n\n1) for no reson whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.\n2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.\n3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windowsshut off the car resart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.\n4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.\n5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought \"Car95\" or \"CarNT\", but then you would also have to buy more seats.\n6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.\n7) You would press the \"start\" button to shut off the engine.\n8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single \"Unidentified System Error\" light.\n9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body \"are you sure\" before going off.\n10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.\n11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.\n12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this otion would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.\n13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.\n14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.\"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 1213,
"rating": 4.86
},
{
"body": "Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, \"And what starting salary were you looking for?\"The engineer said, \"In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.\" The interviewer said, \"Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?\"The young engineer sat up straight and said, \"Wow! Are you kidding?\"The interviewer replied, \"Yeah, but you started it.\"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 1214,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Since AOL has introduce there unlimited hours package they have started displaying special messages to customers. \n\n1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off. \n\n2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY? \n\n3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside? \n\n4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK? \n\n5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?! \n\n6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names? \n\n7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line? \n\n8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord! \n\n9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is? \n\n10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit. \n\n11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke! \n\n12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off? \n\n13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already! \n\n14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM... See job application enclosed!",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 1215,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An application was for employment \nA program was a TV show \nA cursor used profanity \nA keyboard was a piano! \n\nMemory was something that you lost with age \nA CD was a bank account \nAnd if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy \nYou hoped nobody found out! \n\nCompress was something you did to garbage \nNot something you did to a file \nAnd if you unzipped anything in public \nYou'd be in jail for a while! \n\nLog on was adding wood to a fire \nHard drive was a long trip on the road \nA mouse pad was where a mouse lived \nAnd a backup happened to your commode! \n\nCut - you did with a pocket knife \nPaste you did with glue \nA web was a spider's home \nAnd a virus was the flu! \n\nI guess I'll stick to my pad and paper \nAnd the memory in my head \nI hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash \nBut when it happens they wish they were dead!",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 1216,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as \"Millennia Year Application Software System\" (MYASS). \nNext Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. \n\nSome employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, \"I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.\" I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. \n\nThere have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. \n\nAs you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, \"here, stick this in MYASS.\" It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, \"Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.\"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 1217,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, \"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.\" The teacher answered quickly, \"That would be the Titanic.\" St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: \"How many people died on the ship?\" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, \"about 1,500.\" \"That's right! You may enter.\" St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. \"Name them.\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1218,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, \"I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.\" The old farmer replied, \"This is my property, and you are not coming over here.\" The indignant lawyer said, \"I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.\" The old farmer smiled and said, \"Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.\" The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.\" The farmer replied, \"Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.\" The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, \"OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn.\" The old farmer smiled and said, \"No I give up, you can have the duck.",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1219,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.\"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?\"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, \"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?\"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, \"Um ... no.\"The lawyer interrupts, \"or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?\"The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.\"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,\" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, \"leaving her penniless with three children?!\"The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, \"I had no idea...\"On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, \"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1220,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, \"Why are you eating grass?\"The man replied, \"I'm so poor, I can't afford anything thing to eat.\"So the layer said, \"Poor guy, come back to my house.\"The guys says, \"But I have a wife and three kids.\" The lawyer told him to bring them along.When they were all in the car, the poor man said, \"Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you.\"The lawyer replied, \"You're going to love it there... the grass is a foot tall!\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1221,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?' The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.' The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.' A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.' The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!' The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1222,
"rating": 2.75
},
{
"body": "Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, \"What is this?\" to which lawyer number one replies, \"It's that $50 I owe you.\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1223,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news. \nClient: Well, give me the bad news first. \nLawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene \nClient: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news? \nLawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1224,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, \"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.\" \"What?\" said the puzzled groom. \"How can that be if you've been married ten times?\" \"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!\" \"Good,\" said the new husband, \"but, why?\" \"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1225,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one of the men \"Why are you eating the grass?\" \"We don't have money for food,\" the poor man replied.\"Oh, come along with me then,\" instructed the lawyer.The man answered \"But sir, I have a wife and two children!\"Bring them along\" replied the lawyer. The lawyer turn to the other man and said, \"Come with us.\"\"But sir, I have a wife and six children?\" the second man answered.\"Bring them as well!\" replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo.Once underway, one of the poor fellows says \"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.\"The lawyer replied, \"No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall.\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1226,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, \"Are they close to reaching a verdict?\" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, \"You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman.\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1227,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, \"What is it, honey?\"He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious, so she asked, \"What are you doing, honey?\"\"I'm looking for loopholes!\" he shouted.",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1228,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.\"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,\" bragged the first one, \"we cut our emergency response time by ten percent.\"The other paramedics nodded in approval. \"Not bad,\" the second paramedic commented. \"But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent.\"Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, \"That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1229,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnite, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. \"So, what is it?\" grumbled the governor. \"Judge Garber has just died\" said the attorney, \"and I want to take his place.\" Replied the governor: \"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker.\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1230,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. 'As I'm sure you can understand,' she started off with one of the first applicants, 'in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.' She leaned forward. 'Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?' 'Honest?' replied the job prospect. 'Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.' 'Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?' The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, 'He sued me for the money.'",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1231,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, \"I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work.\" The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, \"I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public.\" The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, \"I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system.\" The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1232,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, \"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?\"\"I give it to them,\" replied the lawyer, \"and then I send them a bill.\"The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1233,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, \"Why not call him up?\"He calls up the lawyer.\"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?\"The lawyer responds, \"A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?\"The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, \"Well, no sir, I'm...\"\"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!\"The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. \"I'm terribly sorry...\"\"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?\"The worker is completely humiliated at this point. \"I am sorry sir, please forgive me...\"\"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1234,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, \"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?\"\"I give it to them,\" replied the lawyer, \"and then I send them a bill.\"The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1235,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving? \nA: Skeet.\n\nQ: What do lawyers use for birth control? \nA: Their personalities.\n\nQ: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? \nA: A tick falls off of you when you die.\n\nQ: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?\nA: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.\n\nQ: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?\nA: Not enough sand.\n\nQ: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?\nA: There are skid marks in front of the dog.\n\nQ: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? \nA: A Doberman.\n\nQ: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?\nA: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.\n\nQ: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?\nA: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.\n\nQ: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?\nA: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.\n\nQ: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?\nA: Lipstick.\n\nQ:You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer.\nA:You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1236,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into aroom to meet with his former accountant.The Godfather asks the accountant, \"Where is the 3 million bucksyou embezzled from me?\" The accountant does not answer.The Godfather asks again, \"Where is the 3 million bucks youembezzled from me?\"The attorney interrupts, \"Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannotunderstand you, but I can interpret for you.\"The Godfather says, \"Well ask him where my damn money is!\" Theattorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3million dollars is.The accountant signs back, \"I don't know what you are talking about.\"The attorney interprets to the Godfather, \"He doesn't know whatyou are talking about.\"The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to thetemple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, \"Ask himagain where my damn money is!\"The attorney signs to the accountant, \"He wants to know whereit is!\"The accountant signs back, \"OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden ina brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!\"The Godfather says, \"Well....what did he say?\"The attorney interprets to the Godfather, \"He says...go to hell.....that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1237,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: \"Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?\"\"I'm practicing law,\" whispered Pete. \"But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp.\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1238,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: 1. \"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?\" 2. \"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?\" 3. \"Were you present when your picture was taken?\" 4. \"Were you alone or by yourself?\" 5. \"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?\" 6. \"Did he kill you?\" 7. \"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?\" 8. \"You were there until the time you left, is that true?\" 9. \"How many times have you committed suicide?\" 10. Q: \"So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?\" A: \"Yes.\" Q: \"And what were you doing at that time?\" 11. Q: \"She had three children, right?\" A: \"Yes.\" Q: \"How many were boys?\" A: \"None.\" Q: \"Were there any girls?\" 12. Q: \"You say the stairs went down to the basement?\" A: \"Yes.\" Q: \"And these stairs, did they go up also?\" 13. Q: \"Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: \"I went to Europe, sir.\" Q: \"And you took your new wife?\" 14. Q: \"How was your first marriage terminated?\" A: \"By death.\" Q: \"And by whose death was it terminated?\" 15. Q: \"Can you describe the individual?\" A: \"He was about medium height and had a beard.\" Q: \"Was this a male or female?\" 16. Q: \"Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?\" A: \"No, this is how I dress when I go to work.\" 17. Q: \"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?\" A: \"All my autopsies are performed on dead people.\" 18. Q: \"All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?\" A: \"Oral.\" 19. Q: \"Do you recall the time that you examined the body?\" A: \"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.\" Q: \"And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?\" A: \"No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.\" 20. Q: \"You were not shot in the fracas?\" A: \"No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.\" 21. Q: \"Are you qualified to give a urine sample?\" A: \"I have been since early childhood.\" 22. Q: \"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?\" A: \"No.\" Q: \"Did you check for blood pressure?\" A: \"No.\" Q: \"Did you check for breathing?\" A: \"No.\" Q: \"So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?\" A: \"No.\" Q: \"How can you be so sure, doctor?\" A: \"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.\" Q: \"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?\" A: \"It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1239,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between a lawyer getting hit by a car and a dog getting hit by a car?A: There's skid marks before the dog.",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1240,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. \"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,\" the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. \"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!\" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, \"Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.\" With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. \"But how?\" the lawyer asked. \"You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.\" \"Oh, yes,\" the jury foreman replied. \"We all looked - but your client didn't!\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1241,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. \"All set back here, Captain,\" came the reply, \"except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 1242,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, \"Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place.\"So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, \"So, how's it going down there in hell?\"Satan replies, \"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\"God replies, \"What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.\" Satan says, \"No way.\" I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.\" God says, \"Send him back up here or I'll sue.\"Satan laughs uproariously and answers, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1243,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A lawyer's dog runs around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, \"If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?\" The lawyer answers, \"Definitely.\"\"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.\"The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1244,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. \"Isn't it true,\" he bellowed, \"that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?\"The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.\"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?\" the lawyer repeated loudly.The witness still did not respond.Finally, the judge leaned over and said, \"Sir, please answer the question.\"\"Oh,\" the startled witness said, \"I thought he was talking to you.\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1245,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. \"I can arrange some things for you, \" the devil said. \"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity.\"The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, \"What's the catch?\".",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1246,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing \"Love\" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, \"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'\"\"But why?\" asks the man.\"I'm a divorce lawyer,\" the man replies.",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1247,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn\u2019t return to Earth.The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. \"A million dollars,\" he answered, \"because I want to donate it to M.I.T.\"The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. \"I want to give a million to my family,\" he explained, \"and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.\"The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer\u2019s ear, \"Three million dollars.\"\"Why so much more than the others?\" asked the interviewer.The lawyer replied, \"If you give me $3 million, I\u2019ll give you $1 million, I\u2019ll keep $1 million, and we\u2019ll send the engineer to Mars.\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1248,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A clever attorney was convinced he found a way to take all of his riches with him when he died. When he finally became ill and saw that death was imminent, he instructed his wife to sell all of his investments and buy gold coins with the proceeds. She was instructed to place the gold in several bags with handles and place them in the attic directly over his bedroom. His plan was that when he died, his soul would rise up out of his body and ascend to heaven. As he passed through the attic, he would grab the bags of gold and take them with him. Days later he finally died and the next day his wife went to the attic to see if the gold was gone, but found it was all still there. \"The damn fool,\" she said to herself. \"I told him we should have placed the bags in the basement.\" Moral: We're not going to be able to take it with us when we go. Even if we're so clever as to place half our riches in the attic and half in the basement, they'll probably take us out the side door!",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1249,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. \"I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1250,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Somebody from a local charity is going over some files and realizes he hasn't gotten any donations from the towns most succesful lawyer.So the man calls the lawyer and says \"Our records show that you haven't made any donations to us\". Then the lawyer says \"well, did your records show that my mom is sick with bills three times her annual income, or that my sister's husband died in an accident which leaved her penniless with three children, or that my brother is blind and has no money to pay for an aid or a nurse\".\"Ummmmm sorry\" replied the man, \"I had no idea\". Then the lawyer says \"So if I don't give any money to them why would I give any money to you?\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1251,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. \"Why are you all at this man's funeral?\" A man turns towards him and says, \"We're all clients.\" \"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.\" \"No, we came to make sure he was dead.\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1252,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted. \"My name is Joshua. What's yours?\" asked the first boy. \"Adam,\" replied the second. \"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?\" asked Joshua.Adam proudly replied, \"My daddy is a lawyer.\"\"Honest?\" asked Joshua.\"No, just the regular kind,\" replied Adam.",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1253,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Three construction contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on\nthe same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the\nthird from Florida. At the end of the tour, the tour guide asked\nthem what they did for a living.\n\nWhen they all replied that they were construction contractors, the\nguide said, \"Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't\nyou guys take a look at it and give me a bid?\" So, to the back fence\nthey all went to check it out.\n\nFirst to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape\nmeasure and pencil, did some measuring and said, \"Well I figure the\njob will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and\n$100 profit for me.\"\n\nNext was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and\npencil, did some quick figuring and said, \"Looks like I can do this\njob for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit\nfor me.\"\n\nWithout so much as moving, the New York contractor said, \"$2,700.\"\n\nThe guide, incredulous, looked at him and said, \"You didn't even\nmeasure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high\nfigure?\"\n\n\"Easy,\" he said. \"$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy\nfrom Texas.\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 1254,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer were waiting one morning on a particularly slow group of golfers.\"What's wrong with these guys?\" fumed the lawyer. \"We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!\"\"I don't know,\" said the doctor, \"but I've never seen such ineptitude!\"\"Here comes the greenskeeper,\" said the priest. \"Let's have a word with him. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow. aren't they?\"\"Oh, yes,\" said George, \"That's the group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club last year. We let them play here anytime free of charge!\"Everyone was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, \"That's so sad, I think I'll say a prayer for them tonight.\"\"And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them,\" the doctor added.\"Why can't these guys play at night?\" asked the lawyer.",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1255,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, \"There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn.\" \"No problem,\" chimed the Rabbi. \"My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening.\" With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. \"What's wrong?\" asked the farmer. He replied, \"I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.\"His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. \"What's wrong?\" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, \"I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!\" That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1256,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.\"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,\" he said. \"I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.\"The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, \"I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.\" The doctor then said, \"I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.\"The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, \"Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount\u2026\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1257,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. \"Oh, please excuse me!\" said the bunny. \"I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.\" \"That's perfectly all right,\" replied the snake. \"To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?\"\"Well, I really don't know,\" said the bunny. \"I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.\"So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, \"Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!\"Then he said, \"I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?\"And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, \"Well, what kind of an animal am I?\"So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, \"You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer.\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1258,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! \"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?\" he cried. \"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!\" \"Well,\" she said, \"when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1259,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?\nA. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they\ncannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1260,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.\"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!\", he whined.\"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!\" retorted the officer, \"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!\"\"Oh my gaaad....\", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, \"Where's my Rolex???!!!!!\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1261,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:\"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?\" the minister asked.\"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant,\" replied the lawyer.\"What do you do?\"The minister replied, \"Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go.\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1262,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The top ten things that sound dirty in law (but aren't!)10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge! 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers. 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't: 1. Think you can get me off?",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1263,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. \n\nOne day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. \n\nAutomatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a \"whump\" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. \n\nHe turned to the priest and said, \"Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer!\" \n\nAnd the priest replied, \"That's OK, my son, I got him with the door.\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1264,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.\n\n\"What a ripoff,\" the man muttered. \"I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.\" \n\nJabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, \"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 1265,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "\"Daddy,\" a little girl asked her father, \"do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? \"\"No, sweetheart,\" he answered. \"Some begin with 'If I am elected.'\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1266,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "One day President Bush was visiting Queen Elizabeth and she decided to take him for a tour of London in the Royal Carriage. The carriage was being pulled by six Royal Stallions and one of them suddenly passed gas. It sounded like a 21-gun salute it was so loud! The smell permeated the inside of the carriage and the Queen was totally devastated.\"I appoligize profusely for the terrible smell inside the carriage\", she said. \"Oh, that's alright\", said the George, \"for a minute there I thought it was the horse!\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1267,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, \"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?\" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, \"Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?\" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. \"You really ARE Einstein!\" he says. \"Welcome to heaven!\" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, \"Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?\" Saint Peter says, \"Go ahead.\" Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. \"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!\" he says. \"Come on in!\" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, \"Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?\" George W. looks bewildered and says, \"Who are Einstein and Picasso?\" Saint Peter sighs and says, \"Come on in, George.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1268,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "Clinton walks out into his garden one day and in the snow he says \"bastard\" written in piss. He is so outraged he goes into the oval office and calls the CIA and FBI to tell them to find out who did this horrible thing to his garden. So they go out and investigate and when they return they say \"Well Bill, we've got bad news and we've got worse news, which one would you like to hear first?\" And Bill says, \"What's the bad news?\" The agent replies, \"It was Al Gore.\" Aghast Bill yells, \"That dirty no good son of a #$@&*!!!!! What's the worse news?\" So the agent says, \"It was Hillary's handwriting...\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1269,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One day the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meeting arch bishops and other religious figures, he decided to go see the Galveston shore in Texas.\n\nWhen he arrives in his popemobile he sees a man strugling for his life aginst a shark.\n\nUpon a closer look he notices that it is John Kerry.\n\nHorrified he starts to call for help when a speedboat pulls up along side Mr Kerry, with GW and Dick Cheney on board. Dick Checny leans over and pulls him out. Then George W, and Dick Cheney begin to beat the shark to death with baseball bats.\n\nThe two men notice the Pope and land the boat on the beach.\n\nThe pope said to the men,\n\n\"I know that there has been alot of attention and alot of strife in this election, but I can see that you two men respect each other and would help each other in their house of need. You have my blessings\"\n\nThen the pope packs off and drives out of site.\n\nBush asks, \"Who was that?\"\n\n\"That was the pope Mr President, he is all knowing and in touch with god. Leader of the Chatholic Church\" Said Dick.\n\nBush says, \"Well thats all neat and fine, but he dosent know anything about shark fishing. Hows the bait holding up?\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1270,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row just above the dugout at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with SecretService agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in thePresident's ear.President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neckand heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of thedug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and aftershe lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and \"highfive's\" everyone near him.The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, \"No Mr.President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1271,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.\"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?\"Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:\"I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage.\"\"No problem\" says the Wizard, \"WHO IS NEXT?\"Ronald Reagan steps forward, \"Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.\"\"Done\" says the Wizard.\"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?\"Up steps George Bush sadly, \"I'm told by the American people that Ineed a heart.\"\"I've heard it's true\" says the Wizard. \"Consider it done.\"Then there is a great silence.Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, \"WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?\"And Willie replies - \"Is Dorothy around?\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1272,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "While walking down the street, Dubya was struck by a large wheel of cheese that fell out of SwissAir flight 19.\n Sadly. George does not make it and his soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.\n \"Welcome George!\"...says St. Peter...\"we seldom see Republicans here, so we're not sure what to do.\" \"No problem Pete, let me in I'm worthy\"...says Dubya. \n \"I'd like to but I have orders from the Man Himself, he says you have to spend one day in hell then one day in heaven so you choose where you'll live for eternity.\" \"I've made up my mind, I want to be in heaven\"...says Dubya. \n \"I'm sorry, but we have rules\"...so, St. Peter escorted him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell. \n The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a country club, it's 72 degrees, no oil shortage here!\n There's a Texas-style barbecue with cloned cattle and genetically engineered corn. \n Standing in the crowd are other Republicans who had helped him out \nover the years.\n Expensively dressed, Jerry Falwell, Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh, greet him, then they reminisce about getting rich at the expense of the poor and the liberals. \n Soon, the devil approaches Bush, then says...\"have a milk shake and relax, Dubya\" Dubya drinks the shake, and takes a liking to the devil, but it is now time to go.\n Dubya got on the elevator then returns to heaven and St. Peter says...\"now it's time to visit heaven.\" So for 24 hours Bush hung out with a bunch of honest, good-natured animal rights activists, people who enjoy talking of family values instead of money and power.\n \"All these people are poor!\"...Dubya thought to himself, \"Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!\" St. Peter returned, then said...\"so, you've spent a day in hell and a day in heaven, now you must choose.\" The Jeopardy theme plays softly as Dubya reflects for a minute, then says...\"I belong in hell with my friends.\" So St. Peter put him on the elevator and he went down, down, down all the way to hell. \n The doors of the elevator open, and he finds himself in the middle of this barren, scorched earth, covered with \nleaking 55-gallon drums of toxic industrial waste, kinda like Gary, Indiana. \n Horrified, Dubya sees his friends dressed in rags, and picking up the industrial waste with teaspoons. \n Lucifer comes over to Dubya then puts an arm around his shoulder and\nsays...\"thank you!\" \"What happened?!\"...says Dubya...\"yesterday I had a \nTexas barbecue, we had a wonderful time, now there's a wasteland and everybody seems miserable!\" The devil smiled, and explained...\"see, yesterday I was campaigning...today I got your vote!\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1273,
"rating": 3.88
},
{
"body": "Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, \"Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.\"She smirked and replied, \"No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1274,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "John Kerry visits a primary school and sits in on one of the classes, which is in the middle of a discussion of words and their meaning.\n\nThe teacher asks Mr. Kerry if he would like to lead the discussion of the word \"tragedy\".\n\nSo, the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a \"tragedy.\"\n\nOne little boy stands up and offers: \"If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.\n\n\"That's wrong,\" Kerry says. \"That would be considered an accident.\"\n\nA little girl raises her hand: \"If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.\"\n\n\"You are completely incorrect\" says the Senator. \"That would be what we \nwould consider a great loss\".\n\nThe room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Kerry searches the room. \"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?\"\n\nFinally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: \"If a plane carrying Senator John Kerry was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy\".\n\n\"Fantastic !\" exclaims Kerry. \"You are absolutely right. Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?\"\n\n\"Well,\" says the boy, \"because it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident!\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 1275,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active. John Edwards called to wish Kerry well. Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers. Howard Dean called with encouragement on recovery. Bill Clinton called Teresa.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1276,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. \"Just think,\" he said, \"when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!\"Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, \"Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1277,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An Israeli doctor said, \"Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.\" \n\nA German doctor said \"That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.\" \n\nA Russian doctor said, \"In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.\" \n\nThe American doctor, not to be outdone, said \"Hah! We are about to take an butthole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1278,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Dear Abby,I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as acarrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and sellingmarijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who areprostitutes in Jersey City.I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children.I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time \"working girl\" in a brothel. Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin.My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her. So here's where I need your advice.Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush?Signed,Worried About My Reputation",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1279,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost.Bush saw him and asked, \"George, what is the best thing I could do tohelp the country?\"\"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,\" advised George.The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the darkbedroom.\"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?\" Bush asked.\"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,\" advised Tom.Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figuremovingin the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.\"Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country?\" Bush asked.\"Go to the theater,\" replied Abe.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1280,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "George W. Bush and Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, \"I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.\" \n\nWise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, \"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you.\" \n\nNow Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver. \n\n\"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home,\" said Cheney. \n\nThe cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, \"See! That guy was really stupid.\" \n\n\"No kidding,\" replied George W. \"There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1281,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.\"That's great!\" the executive said. \"But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive.\"\"Yes, sir, it can,\" the director replied. \"An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars.\"\"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?\"\"Do you have any idea,\" the director asked, \"how many Democrats we would have to kill?\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1282,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides. Finally, one says to the other: ``Look, it's clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?'' The other agrees enthusiastically and they part. Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says, ``That was a sporting offer you made.'' ``Not really,`` says the second. ``This is the third time I've done this today``.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1283,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field.The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. \"Were they ALL dead?\" asked the puzzled sheriff. \"Well, some of them said they weren't,\" said the old farmer, \"but you know how them politicians lie.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1284,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.\"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?\"Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:\" I've come for some courage.\"\"NO PROBLEM!\" says the Wizard. \"WHO IS NEXT?\"Ronald Reagan steps forward, \"Well........., I.......I think I need a brain.\"\"DONE\" says the Wizard. \"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?\"Up stepped George Bush sadly, \"I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.\"\"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!\" says the Wizard. \"CONSIDER IT DONE.\"There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, \"WHAT DO YOU WANT?\"\"Is Dorothy here?\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1285,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, \"What are all those clocks?\" St. Peter answered, \"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.\" \"Oh,\" said the man, \"whose clock is that?\" \"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.\" \"Incredible,\" said the man. \"And whose clock is that one?\" St. Peter responded, \"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.\" \"Where's Bush's clock?\" asked the man. \"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1286,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans. \nNot really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy. \n\nThe teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. \n\nJohnny says, \"I'm not a John Kerry fan.\" \n\nThe teacher says, \"Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?\" \n\nJohnny says, \"I'm a George Bush fan.\" \n\nThe teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan. \n\nThe boy says, \"Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!\" \n\nThe teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Vermont, so she asks, \"What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?\" \n\nJohnny says, \"That would make me a John Kerry fan.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1287,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1288,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:\"Our largest condom factory has exploded,\" the Russian President cried. \"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!\"\"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President.\"I do need your help,\" said Yeltsin. \"Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?\"\"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,\" said Bush.\"Oh, and one more small favor, please?\" said Putin.\"Yes?\"\"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?\" said Putin.\"No problem,\" replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of condom company. \"I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia.\"\"Consider it done,\" said the President of condom company.\"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide.\"\"Easily done. Anything else?\"\"Yeah,\" said the President, \"print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1289,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "What do George Bush, Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein have in common? English is their second language.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1290,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.After the typical civics presentation, he announced, \"All right, boys andgirls, you can ask me questions now.\"A little boy named Bobby raised his hand and said, \"Mr. Ashcroft, I havethree questions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes thanGore? Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans'civil liberties? And third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?\"Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out to the playground.After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney General Ashcroft said,\"I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can ask me questions.\"A little girl raised her hand and said, \"Mr. Ashcroft, I have fivequestions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civilliberties? Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet? Fourth,why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, where's Bobby?\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1291,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, \"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving.\"He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, \"Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?\"The Officer replies, \"President Bush is just so depressed about being behind in the polls that he stopped his motorcadein the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says he can't find donators to give him money for his campaign. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him.\"\"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?\"\"So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1292,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "On one of his first nights in the White House, Dubya is awakened by the ghost of George Washington. Bush is frightened, but asks: \"George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?\" Washington advises him: \"Be honest above all else and set an honorable example, just as I did.\" This makes Bush uncomfortable, but he manages to get back to sleep. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. \"Tom,\" Dubya asks, \"what is the best thing I could do to help the country?\" Jefferson replies, \"Throw away your prepared remarks and speak eloquently and extemporaneously from your heart,\" Jefferson advises. Bush isn't sleeping well at all the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost and Dubya thinks finally, a Republican, I'll get some advice that I can use. \"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?\" Bush asks hopefully. Abe answers: \"Go see a play.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1293,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, \"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.\"The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied, \"You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.\"She rolled her eyes and said, \"You must be a Republican.\"I am,\" replied the man. \"How did you know?\"\"Well,\" answered the balloonist, \"everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost.. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.\"The man smiled and responded, \"You must be a Democrat.\"\"I am,\" replied the balloonist. \"How did you know?\"\"Well,\" said the man, \"you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the sameposition you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1294,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Here are a few important observations, before the election campaign heats-up:Republican boys always expect to grow up and marry Republican girls and please their parents. But they always date Democratic girls because they think they're entitled to a little fun first. Democrats step on bugs.Republicans call an exterminator. Democrats eat the big fish they catch.Republicans have them mounted. Democrats sit on the dock and fish,Republicans expect to have someone else drive the boat. Democrats make a lot of plans, but don't do much with them.Republicans are still following the plans their grandfathers made.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1295,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A party of Democrats was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?' 'Yes', answered the others eagerly. 'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1296,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. \"Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'.\"Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.Bush came up and said, \"Hello, Steve.\"The little man says, \"F**k off, Bush! I'm in a meeting,\" and keeps walking.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1297,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "One day God was hanging out at the Pearly Gates with St. Paul. \"I need to find someone to run for president,\" he said after a while.Attentive to his boss' needs, St. Paul started naming off a few qualified candidates.\"Nah, I want that guy,\" he said pointing to a drunken Texas governor pissing off a balcony.\"You've got to be kidding,\" said St. Paul, \"Not only is he dumber than a box of rocks, he's got drinking and drug problems.\"\"I don't care,\" said God, \"This is the guy.\"Perplexed, St. Paul asked: \"What is the problem, Lord, art thou angry with the Americans?\"\"No,\" said God, \"I made a bet with the Devil that I could get a village idiot to run for president.\"\"But won't that work in the Devil's favor, oh Lord?\" Paul asked.\"That's all right,\" said God, \"he'll never take Florida.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1298,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Question : What does a politician and a sperm have in common?\n\nAnswer : Only one out of millions will become a human being.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1299,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought, 'that rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.' The fat lady thought, 'that dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.' Bill Clinton thought, 'George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.' George Bush thought, 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.'",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1300,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "One day there were three surgeons who were arguing loudly over who was the best surgeon.\"Oh yeah,\" the first one yells. \"One day there was this guy who came in with all his fingers cut off, I sewed them back onto his hand, and he's playing piano for the queen of England!\"\"Oh, that's nothing,\" shouts the second one. \"One day this guy came in with his arms and legs cut off, I sewed back onto his body, and now he's on the Olympic track and swimming teams!\"\"Oh, that isn't jack compared to what I'VE done,\" bellows the third one. \"One day there was this guy who was riding a horse, on cocaine, got hit by a subway train, and all that was left was the guy's body and the horse's ass, I sewed them together, and now he's the President of The United States!\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1301,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. \"I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form.\" \"You can do it\", the lawyer said, \"But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?\" \"That's my business! Get me the form!\" Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, \"Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?\" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: \"One less Democrat\".",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1302,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, \"Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself.\" \"What?\" the operator exclaimed. \"I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!\" the little old lady repeated. \"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?\" \"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1303,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst into the room shouting, \"Dad! Mom! I have some great news! Nick asked me to marry him. He is like the biggest hunk in Washington. We are supposed to get married next month.\"Bill took Chelsea in the back and said, \"Chelsea, your mother, although an ideal administrator and public speaker, has never had much to offer in the sack. So, as you might have heard, I have been known to fool around with other ladies on occassion. Your boyfriend Nick happens to be the product of one of my love making sessions. He is my son and thusly, he is your half-brother.\" Chelsea ran out of the office screaming, \"Not another brother!\" She rushed to her mother's side, telling her all about dad's shameful behavior and how every man she dates turns out to be one of her father's illegitimate sons. Hillary began to laugh and said, \"Don't pay any attention to him. He isn't really your father anyway.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1304,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1305,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered something in his ear. Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, \"Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1306,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York totalk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him for his name. \"Kenneth.\" \"And what is your question, Kenneth?\" \"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?\" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, \"Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?\" A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him for his name. \"Larry.\" \"And what is your question?\" \"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1307,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. \"Who do you want to play?\" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. \"I've always been a big fan of Chopin,\" said Bruce. \"I'll play him.\" \"And you, Sylvester?\" asked Spielberg. \"Mozart's the one for me!\" said Sly. \"And what about you?\" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. \"I'll be Bach,\" said Arnie.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1308,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A 10pm curfew was imposed in Baghdad. Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.\"Why did you do that?\" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.\"I know where he lives,\" he replied, \"and he wouldn't have made it.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1309,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Two terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures. \"you see, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too.\" The second terrorist says, gently,\"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1310,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A son asks his father, \"What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.\" The father thinks a little and says, \"OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?\" The little boy said, \"Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said.\"\n\nLater that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.\n\nThe next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, \"Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.\" \"Excellent, my boy,\" he answered, \"What have you learned?\" The little boy thought for a minute and said, \"I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1311,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. \"Isn't it true,\" he bellowed, \"that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?\"The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.\"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?\" the lawyer repeated loudly.The witness still did not respond.Finally, the judge leaned over and said, \"Sir, please answer the question.\"\"Oh,\" the startled witness said, \"I thought he was talking to you.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1312,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.\n\nBefore the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.\n\nThe first kid said: \"I sure would like to go to Disneyland.\" George said: \"No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One.\"\n\nThe second kid said: \"I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's.\" George said: \"I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!\".\n\nThe third kid said: \"I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!\" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says: \"But you don't look like you are injured.\" \n\nThe kid says: \"But I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1313,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The first ladies of UK, Japan and France were having a meeting with Lady Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the private parts of their respective spouses.\nThe first lady of UK says, \"It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the room\" \n\nThe lady from Japan says, \"It is like an army officer- you do not know where he will attack from- front or back..\" \n\nThe French lady says, \"It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it drops down...\" \n\nThen Hilary says, \"It's like a rumor... it moves from one mouth to another...\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1314,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, \"Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?\" Bill didn't hesitate. He said, \"I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.\" The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, \"Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish.\" Bill thought for a minute and said, \"You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want.\" The Genie let out a long sigh and said, \"Lemme see that map again.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1315,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.\"Mr. President,\" said the four-star general, barely to contain himself, \"There's good news & bad news.\"\"Oh, no,\" muttered the President, \"Well, let me have the bad news first.\"\"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet.\"\"Gosh, and the good news?\"\"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters & piss oil.\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 1316,
"rating": 3.25
},
{
"body": "Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. \n\nOsama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 \" thick and nobody could get near it. \n\nWhen the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. \n\nOsama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, \"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.\" \n\n\"That's nothing,\", said Bush. \"We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog.\" \n\nGOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1317,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) Bo Derek thought - \"That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face.\" (2) Janet Reno thought - \"That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him.\" (3) Bill Clinton thought - \"George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me.\" (4) George Bush thought - \"I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1318,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.\"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!\" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: \"You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!\" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, \"This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!\" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, \"This is not what I was promised!\"An angel replies: \"I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1319,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene inWashington, DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason,they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin inthe Nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enoughasses to fill the stable.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1320,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with none. Gore screamed for a revote. The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a revote. So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back with 293 fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the secret service spy and asks whether Bush is cheating. \"Yes,\" replied the spy, \"he's putting holes in the ice.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1321,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "One day, George bush travels to Afghanistan to attempt peace talks with Osama bin Laden. The two sit down to talk, and George asks him if peace was possible, then Osama bin Laden pushed a button, and a fist on a spring came out of the wall, and punched George in the face. George then asked if there was any way to settle their differences, and Osama pushed another button, and the fist hit George in the nuts. George then asked to reschedule the talks in Washington, Osama agreed, and pushed another button that ejected George out of his seat. The two sat down in the oval office in Washington D.C. to continue their talks. Osama claimed that filthy Americans were trying to take over the world, and George pressed a button and nothing happens. Osama than says, \"Very funny, you think you are smarter than me!\", George pushes another button and still nothing happens. Osama finished by stating no American is safe, and George pushed a third button, but once again, nothing happened. Osama then said, \"Enough of this nonsense, I need to go back to Afghanistan,\"George Bush simply replied, \"What Afghanistan?\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1322,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "An engineer, an accountant, a chemist and a bureaucrat were bragging about how smart their dogs are.The engineer called to his dog, \"T-square, do your stuff\". The dog took out paper and pen, and drew a circle, a squareand a triangle. Everyone agreed he was smart.The accountant called, \"Sliderule, do your stuff\". The pooch went to the kitchen, got a dozen cookies and made four stacks of three. Everyone was impressed.The chemist called, \"Beaker, do your stuff.\" The dog went to the fridge for a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.The bureaucrat called, \"Coffee Break,do your stuff!\". Coffe Break ate the cookies, drank the milk, chewed the paper, claimed he injured his mouth doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation and took extended sick leave.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1323,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A young lady goes to a new doctor for an examination, and he discovers that she has crabs. He thinks to himself ,\"How am I going to her that she has crabs?\"After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.She says, \"What?\"He again responds, \"Nixon's Disease.\"She says, \"Level with me, Doc, what does it mean?\"He responds, \"Well Miss Jones, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval orifice.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1324,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.\"Madam,\" said the sales manager, \"the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!\"She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, \"Nelson.\" The radio responded, \"Ricky or Willie?\" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying \"On The Road Again\" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.\"Idiot!\" she yelled and, from the radio, \"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1325,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: \"Many say the only reason you were elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father.\" \"That notion is ridiculous!\" mocked George Jr. \"It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He was only allowed to vote once!\" .",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1326,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "MONDAYS:8:00 - \"Husseinfeld\"8:30 - \"Mad About Everything\"9:00 - \"Suddenly Sanctions\"9:30 - \"The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show\"10:00 - \"Allah McBeal\"TUESDAYS:8:00 - \"Wheel of Terror and Fortune\"8:30 - \"The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right\"9:00 - \"Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things\"9:30 - \"Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers\"10:00 - \"Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer\"WEDNESDAYS:8:00 - \"U.S. Military Secrets Revealed\"8:30 - \"Bowling For Food\"9:00 - \"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread\"9:30 - \"Just Shoot Everyone\"10:00 - \"Veilwatch\"THURSDAYS:8:00 - \"Matima Loves Chachi\"8:30 - \"M*U*S*T*A*S*H\"9:00 - \"Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils\"9:30 - \"My Two Baghdads\"10:00 - \"Diagnosis: Heresy\"FRIDAYS:8:00 - \"Judge Laden\"8:30 - \"Funniest Super 8 Home Movies\"9:00 - \"Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionaire\"9:30 - \"Achmeds Creek\"10:00 - \"No-witness News\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1327,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in\nthe hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes\nfluttered open, and he murmured, \"You're beautiful.\" Flattered, the\nwife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.\n\nLater, her husband woke up and said, \"You're cute.\"\n\n\"What happened to 'beautiful?'\" she asked him.\n\n\"The drugs are wearing off,\" he replied.",
"category": "Love & Romance",
"id": 1328,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, \"Earthquake!\" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion. Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before the order was given Al yelled out, \"Tornado!\" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, \"I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall.\" He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, \"Fire!\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1329,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1330,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, \"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?\" \n\nEinstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, \"Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?\" \n\nSaint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. \n\nSaint Peter is suitably impressed. \"You really ARE Einstein!\" he says. \"Welcome to heaven!\" \n\nThe next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. \n\nPicasso asks, \"Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?\" \n\nSaint Peter says, \"Go ahead.\" \n\nPicasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. \n\nSaint Peter claps. \"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!\" he says. \"Come on in!\" \n\nThen Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, \"Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?\" \n\nGeorge W. looks bewildered and says, \"Who are Einstein and Picasso?\" \n\nSaint Peter sighs and says, \"Come on in, George.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1331,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: \"Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1332,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "There were 4 people: A Congress man, George Bush, Osama Bin Laden and a solider and they were all in a helicopter. The pilot said that someone needs to jump, so Osama jumps and says: \"this is for my country\". A couple minutes later the pilot says someone needs to jump so the congress man jumps and says : \"this is for my country\". So a few minutes later the pilot says someone needs to jump so the solider says: \"this is for my country\" and pushes George Bush out the window.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1333,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "\"No clergyman shall tell a funny story from the pulpit\" (West Virginia). In Atlanta, GA, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United States. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. (North Carolina)\"Dancing cheek-to-cheek is prohibited\" (California). It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse. \"It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.\" (Texas) An ancient law in Indonesia prohibited men from masturbating. The punishment was decapitation. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. (Alabama)In ancient Rome, people found guilty of murdering their fathers were executed in a bizarre manner. The punishment was to be put in a sack with a rooster, a viper, and a dog, then drowned along with all three animals. In Colombia, if a Goajiro woman is successful in tripping a man during a ceremonial dance, he's required to have intercourse with her.When gentlemen in medieval Japan wished to seal an agreement, they urinated together, crisscrossing their streams of urine.In Arkansas, law states that the name must be pronounced \"Arkansaw\". Early in 1975, the U.S. Senate actually voted on the following:\"A motion to table a motion to reconsider a vote to table an appeal of a ruling that a point of order was not in order against a motion to table another point of order against a motion to bring to a vote the motion to call up the resolution that would institute a rules change.\"It's illegal in Newcastle, WY to have sex in a butcher shop's meat freezer.\"It is illegal to give a drink of water to anyone unless you have a permit\" (New York).\"It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.\" (Arizona)It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona. In July 1981, a tortoise was sentenced to death for murder. Tribal elders in Kyuasini, a village in Kenya, formally condemned the tortoise because they suspected it of causing the death of six people, apparently through magic. However, because none of the villagers was prepared to risk the tortoise's wrath by carrying out the execution, it was instead chained to a tree. The tortoise was later freed after the government promised an official inquiry into the deaths.In Turkey during the 16th and 17th centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death. An Athens legislator named Solon passed a law in the 6th century that let fathers sell their fornicating daughters into slavery. It was the law in Scotland in 1288 that for each year known as \"lepe yeare\" any maiden lady could ask the man she liked to be her husband. If he refused and didn't have a good excuse he would be \"mulcted of ye sum of one pound or less\" (essentially, he would owe her a dollar). France enacted a similar law a year later. At one time, there was a law in India that forbade lower-caste people from casting their shadows on a member of the Brahman (the upper class). After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up. (Maine)In the kingdom of Bhutan, all citizens officially become one year older on New Year\u2019s Day. 'Turtle racing is prohibited within the city limits\" (Florida). Citizens of Monaco are prohibited from gambling in Monte Carlo, but they're exempt from taxation. It's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle in London. \"It is illegal to lasso a fish\" (Tennessee).In 1659, the General Court of Massachusetts ordered that anybody caught feasting or laying off from work, or in any other way goofing off on any other day other than Christmas, would be fined five shillings for each such offense.Rapists in Nambia can choose either castration or 20 years of hard labor.\"It is against the law to advertise on tombstones\" (Virginia).\"Dogcatchers are required to be psychoanalyzed by a psychiatrist to determine if they are qualified to chase stray mutts\" (Texas).Up until the early 20th century, New Jersey and Wisconsin had laws allowing the castration of epileptics.Belgium is the only country that has never imposed censorship for adult films.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1334,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, \"Take this jar home and nbring me back a sample tomorrow.\"\n\nThe next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.\n\nThe doctor asked what happened and the man explains: \"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand. but nothing. Then her left, but nothing.\n\nShe even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing.\"\n\nThe doctor was stunned. \"You asked your neighbor?\" The old man replied, \"Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the darn jar open!\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 1335,
"rating": 4.8
},
{
"body": "Q:What do you call something that is 12 inches long and hangs infront of an arsehole?A:Tony Blair's TIE!!",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1336,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "what is the difference between a mexican and a pizza?a pizza can serve a family of four",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1337,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "why did they inventglow in the dark condoms?so gay people can play star wars.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1338,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled\nsimultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small town.\nAfter a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way\nthrough the crowd, shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming\nmightily.\n\nSuddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the\ncandidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with\nhalf a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to\nmove through the crowd, shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.\n\n\"That man's persistence yonder,\" observed one of the regulars, \"sure\nmakes it easy to know who to vote for.\"\n\n\"Yep,\" another regular agreed. \"Sure can't see myself casting a\nvote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the\nrain.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1339,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Monica L. had taken some clothes in to be cleaned. The attendant was an old man, hard of hearing. She was telling the man what she wanted, and was holding a dress while talking. The old man put a hand up to his ear, and said, \"Come again?\" \"No,\" said Monica, \"It's mustard this time!\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1340,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven.Standing outside the perly gates ahe ask ST. Peter what all those clocks were for behind him. He says they are lie clocks everyone has one. He says see this one its Abe Lincolns the hands have only moved one time stateing that he only told one lie in his life. And this one is Mother Terasa's it hasnt moved at all showing she didnt tell not one lie. Hillary then ask well wheres Bills clock. To witch St. Peter replies its hanging in Jesus office he is useing it as a celing fan.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1341,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A little boy goes to his dad and asks, \"What's politics?\" Dad says, \" Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her he Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.\" So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to is parent's room and finds his mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to to his father \" I think I understand Politics now.\" The father replies, \"Good son, tell me in your own words what you think it is.\" The boy promptly answers, \"Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep trouble.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1342,
"rating": 4.75
},
{
"body": "Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot. \"Does this parrot talk?\" she asked. \"Yes, he does,\" the manager told her. \"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?\" \"Well, ma'am,\" the manager explained, \"not everyone would want to own this parrot since he spent years in a whore house and his language is somewhat foul.\" \"Well, I want him,\" she said. \"Suit yourself,\" the manager shrugged. When Hillary got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, \"New house, new madam.\" Hillary laughed. Soon, Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. \"New house, new whores,\" the parrot observed. Hillary explained the bird's history to Chelsea and her friend, so they too, laughed. Later, the President entered the living quarters. The parrot took one look at him and said, \"Hi, Bill!\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1343,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat when she farts she can melt the ice on Pluto.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1344,
"rating": 2.22
},
{
"body": "Yo mamas so stupid she took a ruler to bed to measure how long she slept.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1345,
"rating": 3.63
},
{
"body": "Your mama so fat that she's the big rolling ball on Indiana Jones",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1346,
"rating": 2.3
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so dumb yeah she asked the operator for the number for 911.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1347,
"rating": 2.43
},
{
"body": "1.Yo mama is so poor that she has to chase down the garbage truck with a shopping list.2. Yo mamas so poor that i found in the dumpster and asked her what she was doing. She said \"Christmas shopping.\"3. Yo mama is so poor that she tried to use food stamps on a gumball machine.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1348,
"rating": 3.46
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air-conditioning.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1349,
"rating": 2.2
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so old she knew burger king when he was still a prince.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1350,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so old that her birth certificate is in roman numerals.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1351,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so ugly your father takes her to work with him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1352,
"rating": 3.7
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so ugly she tried to take a bath and the water jumped out.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1353,
"rating": 2.4
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so ugly she made an onion cry.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1354,
"rating": 3.17
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so ugly when she goes bungie jumping instead of putting the chord around her ankles they put it around her neck.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1355,
"rating": 3.38
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so fat she sat on the beach and greenpeace threw her in.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1356,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so fat shes got more chins than a chineese phone book.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1357,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1358,
"rating": 2.75
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so fat that when she bungie jumps she goes straight to hell.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1359,
"rating": 2.75
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so fat she fell in love... and broke it.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1360,
"rating": 3.71
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so fat when she goes to a resturant she looks at the menu and says\"okay\".",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1361,
"rating": 3.4
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so fat that when she wants people to shake her hand she has to give directions.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1362,
"rating": 4.8
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so fat when she was floating in the ocean Spain claimed her for their new world.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1363,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so fat when you get on top of her... your ears pop.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1364,
"rating": 2.8
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so dumb she sold her car for gasoline money.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1365,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so dumb it took her two hours to watch 60 minutes.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1366,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so dumb that when she put a quater in the parking meter she waited half-an-hour for the gum to come out.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1367,
"rating": 3.8
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so dumb she tried to jump out the basement window.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1368,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so dumb she tripped over a chored-less phone.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1369,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so fat she broke a branch onthe family tree.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1370,
"rating": 4.29
},
{
"body": "ya mama so ugly she stuck her head out the window and got arrested for mooning",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1371,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Your momma so dumb she studied for the drug test.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1372,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "Your mama's so fat that when she walked by my tv....I missed 2 episodes!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1373,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so dumb she burnt down the house using a cd burner",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1374,
"rating": 1.75
},
{
"body": "In an effort to get away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spent relaxing weekends camping in their motor home.\n\nOne day they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but\nunwelcome, visits from other campers. Talking it over, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.\n\nNow, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their motor home:\n\n\"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 1375,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so ugly she took one look at the sun and it hide behind a cloud.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1376,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so stupid she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1377,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1378,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so stupid she missed the 44 bus so she just took the 22 bus twice",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1379,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so stupid she heard it was chilly outside so she went and got a spoon",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1380,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat she tripped over 4th Ave. and landed on 12th Ave",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1381,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat she sits down at the resturant, opens the menu, and says \"okay\"!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1382,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1383,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat people jog around her instead of the block, for a LONGER run!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1384,
"rating": 4.75
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat i had to take two trains and a bus just to get on her good side.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1385,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat the last time she saw 90210 it was on the bathroom scale",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1386,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat she got run over and said \"Who threw that rock?\"",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1387,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat every time she turns around it's her birthday.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1388,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama so fat, when she put on high heels, she struck oil.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1389,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "your mama is so fat that when she fell of the bed she fell of both sides.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1390,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "yo mama so fat with her we are 2 nations.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1391,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's hair is so short, instead of using rollers to curl her hair she uses rice!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1392,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "yo mama so fat she already been to the future.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1393,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat she has to get out of the car to change gear",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1394,
"rating": 1.33
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so fat I drove aroundd her and ran out of gas",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1395,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Your Moma so fat she went to see a hockey game and she thought the puck was a burned hambuger.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1396,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mamas so fat she makes a blue whale look like a tic tac",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1397,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat that she smokes turkey.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1398,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma's so poor when i asked her what for dinner she put her foot on the table and said corn.Yo mamma's so hairy, bigfoot took pictures of her!Yo mamma's so fat, she has every cateror on speed dial.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1399,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat that she has to drink diet water",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1400,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so ugly that she stuck her head out the window,and got arrested for disturbing the peace.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1401,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so dumb that she shoved the phone up her ass, and thought that she was making a booty call.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1402,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "yo mama so dumb when someone told her to speak her mind she was speechless",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1403,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama So Dumb, that she put lipstick on her forehead so she could make up her mind.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1404,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama So Hairy, when she shaves she uses a lawnmower.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1405,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so old she saw Jurrasic Park and said that brings back memories.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1406,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Your mama is so fat,she jumped up in the sky and got stuck!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1407,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mamas so fat, she has to borrow a belt from orion",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1408,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so poor that when someone rings the doorbell she has to stick her head through a crack and say dingdong.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1409,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat you can hit her stomach and ride the waves!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1410,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Your momma is so poor when somebody asked her where the bathroom was in her house, she said \"pick a corner.\"Youre momma is so dumb she tried to drown a fishYour momma is so dumb she stole free breadYour momma is so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved to deathYour momma is so dumb she took a spoon to the super bowlYour momma is so old Moses is in her yearbookYour momma is so fat her yearbook picture was taken by sateliteYour momma is so dumb when the baseball coach told her to run home with the ball, she literally ran home with the ball",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1411,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so ugly I threw a rock at her and the rock stopped, came back, and said to me I ain't goin near that creepy thing!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1412,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so stupid she tried to jump out the basement window.Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car.Yo mama so fat when she stands on the curb in her yellow raincoat people yell out \"TAXI\".",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1413,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "your mama is so hairy,it lookes like she has buckwheat in a headlock",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1414,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "your mama is so fat,every time she turns around its her birthday",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1415,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "yo mama so fat she had to use a pillowcase for a sock",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1416,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so dumb it took her an hour to make minute rice !",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1417,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so poor that when I saw her kick a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing and she said,\"Moving\"",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1418,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat she's got as many chins as a chinese phonebook.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1419,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama so fat that she filled up the tub and then turned the water on!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1420,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama so poor she looked at a cardboard house and said \"Look, my mansion!\"",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1421,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama so poor she found a penny on the ground and said \"I won the lottery!\"(even though she still had to take out tax)",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1422,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "yo mama so bald i can see what she thinkin",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1423,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama So old that I told her to act her age and she died.\nYo Mama So old that when she was in school they didn't have history.\nYo Mama So nasty she brought her own crabs to the beach.\nYo Mama So ugly we tied a steak to her neck so she could play with the family dog.\nYo Mama So stupid she thought a quarterback was a refund.\nYo Mama So fat she played billiards with the planets.\nYo Mama So fat she sat on a rainbow and made skittles.\nYo Mama So fat she sat on a dollar and made change.\nYo Mama So ugly that satan sent her back.\nYo Mama So fat that your dad has to have a \"heavy machinary\" license to have sex.\nYo Mama So poor that I walked in the front door and fell out the back.\nYo Mama So poor that I borrowed your skateboard and she called the cops saying her car got stolen.\nYo Mama So dumb she thought a harddrive was a rough road.\nYo Mama So dumb she thought floppy disk was when her back hurt.\nYo Mama So fat that when she sits around the house she sits \"around\" the house.\nYo Mama So fat she bathes in the ocean.\nYo Mama So fat she isn't allowed on the 2nd floor.\nYo Mama So fat that she needed a blinkin light so planes woulden't hit her.\nYo Mama So fat she seen a bus and thought it was a twinkie.\nYo Mama So ugly she scared Michael Jackson.\nYo Mama So poor she married Michael Jackson.\nYo Mama So old that she birthed God.\nYo Mama So fat she has to sit in the middle of the car.",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 1424,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Your mama so fat that when she sat on a nitendo gamecube she changed it into a gameboy advance sp.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1425,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "yo mama so fat she got more chins than in the chinese phone book!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1426,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "ur mom is so stupid she walked into an antique store and said, whats new.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1427,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so ugly they moved halloween to her birthday",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1428,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Your momma is so fat when a meteorite hit her she said \"Whose throwing pebbles?\"",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1429,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so dumb, she threw a rock at the ground and missed!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1430,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so stupid she tryed to drown a fish",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1431,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma sooo stupid, she clibed over a glass wall to see the other side!!!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1432,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama so old George Washington was her first boyfriend.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1433,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama so stupid she thought Michael Jackson was a boy.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1434,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "What goes up, down, left, right, and all around?Your mama!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1435,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1436,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama so stupid she sold her car for gas money",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1437,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Your mama went to a Hotel and asked for a water bed,And they put a blanket over the ocean",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1438,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "yo moma is so fat she jumped in the ocean and a whale started to sing we are family.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1439,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama is so Fat she uses two Grey Hound buses for roller blades.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1440,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama is so Stupid she tried wakin up a Sleepin Bag.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1441,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "yo mama's so stupid she went to Dr Dre for a papsmear",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1442,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "your mumma is so old her bible is signed by Jesus.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1443,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Your mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said - ouch!Your mama is so fat when she stepped on the scale it said - to be continuedYour mama is so fat when she stepped on the scale it said better luck next time",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1444,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama is so fat that when she stands on the weighing scales it comes up with her mobile phone number",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1445,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat, when she walks down the street in a yellow rain suit everyone starts yelling \"Taxi\"",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1446,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat, when she jumps in the ocean with a blue swimsuit on the whales start singing \"We Are Family\".",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1447,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "10 Yo Mama got so fat when she jump in the air, she got stuck.9 Yo Mama is soo fat when she trip and fall she made the Grand Caryon.8 Yo Mama is soo fat when she step on the scale said \"Out of Order.\"7 Yo Mama is soo fat when she wore a red rain jacket, everyone yelled \"Hey Kool-Ade!\"6 Yo Mama is soo fat when she bungee jump she broke the bridge in half!5 Yo Mama is soo fat she wears a V.C.R. as a pager.4 Yo Mama is soo fat that the city gave her own zip code.3 Yo Mama is soo fat everyone at the baseball sadtium sat on her.2 Yo Mama is soo fat when she drop you off at school, she got a ticket for littering.1 Yo Mama is soo fat takes you a five mile walk around her.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1448,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "yo mamma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1449,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat she needs a boomerang to get her belt on",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1450,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so stuiped, she was flicking pennies in a wishing well and someone asked \"What are you doning?\" So she said \"I'm paying the water bill!\"",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1451,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so stupid she made up her own I.Q. test and failed it three times!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1452,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat, she entered an ugly contest and they said \"no perfesonals aloud!\"",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1453,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "yo mama so dumb she so dumb that on her way to disney worldshe saw a sign that said disney world left so she turned around and went back home.yo mama so fat she makes godzilla look like an action figure.yo mama's breath stink so bad people look forward to her farts.yo mama so fat when the cops drove by and saw her on the corner they yelledhey you guys break it up.yo mams so fat her belt size is equatoryo mama so fat when her beeper goes off people think shes backing up.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1454,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "YO MOMMA...So ugly, yo daddy takes her to work so he dont have to kiss her goodbye.So fat, she jumped out of a tree and went straight to.. you know ! So fat, she wore heels once and struck oil!So fat, if she gained 5 more pounds, she could get group insurance.So po', I asked were the bathroom was and she said...\" 3rd bucket on the right\"So stupid, she asked what kind of jeans I was wearing, I said Guess. She said Levis.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1455,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so dumb,she brung a spoon to the SUPER BOWL!!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1456,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall.\n\nThe owner asks the clerk, \"What's with that guy over there by the wall\"?\n\nThe clerk replies, \"Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative\".\n\nThe owner yells, \"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives\"!\n\nThe clerk says, \"Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough\"!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1457,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "yo momma so dumb she sits on top of the t.v and watches the couch.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1458,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "yo mamma is so fat, Jesus can't lift her soul!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1459,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Your mama is so fat, she fell in love and broke it.Your house is so small, I put the key in the keyhole and I killed three people.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1460,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama so poor..... I saw her walking down the street kicking a can, I asked her what she was doing and she said \"moving\".",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1461,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Your mama so stupid she got hit by a parked car",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1462,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat that she is on both sides of the family!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1463,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama is so old that she still has Jesus pager number!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1464,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama so fat that they said it was chili outside then she brought out a bowl!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1465,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama so fat that she has to use a VCR as a pager.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1466,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so fat she makes shamu look like a tic-ticYo mama's so fat she went to Jenny Craig and the only thing she lost was $19.99",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1467,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Ya mama so stupid, when she read on her job application not to write on botted line below she put \"O.K\"",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1468,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Ya mama so fat when her beeber goes off, people thought she backing up!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1469,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "I asked god for world peace and he said,\"I can't its impossible,\" I asked to make ya mama good looking and he said,\"dude... let me try world peace!\"",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1470,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama so poor that when i walked in your house and steped on a lighted cigarette yo mama said who turned of the heater.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1471,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so big she has her own zip code.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1472,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama stepped on a scale and it said one at a time please.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1473,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat that when god said let there be light, he asked her to move over",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1474,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so fat that when she swims in the sea the whales start singing 'we are family'!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1475,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma's pits are so hairy she looks like she's got Don King in a headlock!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1476,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat that when she went dooky the whole world flooded & everyone had to live on a piece of poop!!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1477,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama was so poor....that when i came to the door, she stuck her head out of the window & said \"Ding-Dong\"",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1478,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so ugly..... when my dad mooned her she looked into it & thot it was her reflection, & replied \"How did my hair get so curly?\"",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1479,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama is so fat she had to iron her pants on the driveway.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1480,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "yo mamas breath so bad when she went to the dentist to get a filling the dentist had to give himself gas!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1481,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat that when she walks in high heels she strikes oil.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1482,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama so dumb that she takes an hour to make minute rice.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1483,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "YOUR MOMMA SO DUMD SHE WENT TO GO FILL OUT A JOB APPLICATION IT SAID COUNTRY __________. SHE WROTE FREE",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1484,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "yo mama so stupid when asked \"sex\" on an application she put m, f and sometimes wednesdays, too.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1485,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You need to keep your mama out of the trash she keeps getting it all over the place.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1486,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "1st Officer: \"Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?\"\n2nd Officer: \"Who?\"\n1st Officer: \"Janet Jackson!\"\n2nd Officer: \"What she do, was she speeding?\"\n1st Officer: \"Nah, she had one headlight out.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 1487,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, \"Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!\"\n\n\"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!\"\n\nLater the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.\n\n\"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation.\"\n\nAn hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, \"I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!\"\n\nAfter this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, \"I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job....\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1488,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The CEO of a Vacuum Cleaner company was impatient with the poor job his salespeople were doing, so one day he decided to do the job himself.\n\nHe pulled up to an old house in his Mercedes Benz and knocked on the door. A little old barefoot man wearing overalls answered the knock on the door, only to be confronted by the very well dressed and dignified CEO in a $2,000 navy blue pin-striped business suit, a Hermes silk tie, a starched white shirt with monogrammed cufflinks, $700 shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner.\n\n\"Good morning,\" said the well-dressed and impeccably groomed CEO. \"If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.\"\n\n\"Get lost, Mister fancy suit!\" said the old man. \"I haven't got any money\" and he proceeded to close the door.\n\nQuick as a flash, the CEO wedged his polished shoe in the door and pushed it wide open.\n\n\"Don't be too hasty!\" he said. \"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.\"\n\nThe old man again told him to get lost. And with that, the CEO emptied a bucket of mud all over his hallway carpet.\n\n\"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this mess from your carpet, sir, I will personally eat the remainder. I am the CEO! You have my GUARANTEE!\"\n\n\"I got a better idea\" said the old man, \"If you don't clean it all up, I'll swap those fancy clothes of yours fer my overalls. Your nice suit, your tie, your shoes, everything!\"\n\n\"Fine, sir!\" said the CEO confidently. \"I'll give you my clothes!\"\n\n\"Lemme ask you somethin', pal...Where are you goin' when you leave here?\"\n\nThe CEO answered very confidently: \"To a VERY important conference! WHY?\"\n\n\"Will they let you in if yer barefoot?\" said the old man.\n\n\"Of course not!\" said the CEO.\n\n\"How much did you pay for those socks you'v got on?\" asked the old man.\n\n\"Fifty dollars\" said the bewildered CEO.\n\n\"I ain't never worn fifty dollar socks before!\" said the old man. \"It will be kinda hard for you to wear overalls to work, I guess!\" said the old man.\n\n\"WHAT?!\" said the confused CEO.\n\n\"And will you show how me to tie a necktie?\" said the old man...\n\nOne hour later, the door of the apartment opened, and the CEO carefully looked out. Seeing that no one was around, his foot appeared.\n\nA bare foot.\n\nHe stepped out into the hallway - dressed only in overalls and bare feet. His expensive executive suit and tie had vanished, along with his confidence and dignity.\n\nThe old man watched him run away to his car with a grin, admiring the expensive pinstriped suit and silk tie he had just acquired. He then sat down and pulled on the CEO's fifty dollar socks and gleaming shoes.\n\n\"Now I gotta see about payin' that electric bill...\"",
"category": "Office Jokes",
"id": 1489,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.\n\nNot long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, \"Hey Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in.\"\n\n\"But we's privates,\" protests Jasper.\n\n\"We's sergeants now, \"says Leroy, pulling him inside.\n\n\"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.\"\n\n\"But we's privates,\" says Jasper. \"Are you blind, boy?\" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. \"We's sergeants now.\"\n\nSo they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. \"You're cute,\" she says, \"and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.\"\n\nLeroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, \"Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign.\" So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.\n\nThree weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. \"Jasper,\" he says, \"why did you give me the okay sign?\"\n\n\"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates.\" He points to his stripes. \"But we's sergeants now!\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 1490,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1491,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1492,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1493,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1494,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1495,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1496,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1497,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1498,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1499,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1500,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Hey, act your age -- senile!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1501,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1502,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You're the best at all you do -- and all you do is make people hate you.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1503,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "In the dictionary under the word, \"stupid,\" it says, \"see him.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1504,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1505,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "We do not complain about your shortcomings, but about your long sayings.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1506,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1507,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1508,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "When you get run over by a car, it shouldn't be listed under accidents.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1509,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "For two cents, I'd give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1510,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1511,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1512,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1513,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1514,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1515,
"rating": 3.8
},
{
"body": "Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1516,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill ever since.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1517,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1518,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1519,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1520,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1521,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1522,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "You are down to earth, but not quite far down enough.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1523,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1524,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1525,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1526,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet!!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1527,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1528,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "I would like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me displeasure.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1529,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1530,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "At your speed, you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1531,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1532,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Don't you have a terribly empty feeling -- in your skull?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1533,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1534,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1535,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1536,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1537,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Look through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1538,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1539,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1540,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1541,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1542,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "You will never be able to live down to your reputation!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1543,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1544,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1545,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1546,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1547,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Man alive! But I wish you weren't.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1548,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1549,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1550,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1551,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1552,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1553,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1554,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1555,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1556,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1557,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1558,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1559,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1560,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1561,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1562,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe thatmany people are to blame for producing you.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1563,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1564,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1565,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1566,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1567,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a bigamist.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1568,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1569,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1570,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, \"Do not come home and all will be forgiven\".",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1571,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1572,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1573,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Is your name Amazon? You're so wide at the mouth.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1574,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You are a man who always sticks by his convictions. You will remain a fool no matter how much you get ridiculed for it!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1575,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A dope you are and dope will remain. Completely unlike cocaine. You add to, not diminish, pain!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1576,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1577,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Your family tree is good, but you are the sap.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1578,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1579,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "It cost me five thousand dollars to look up your family history. A thousand to look it up and four thousand to hush it up.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1580,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1581,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1582,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1583,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "In the next life, you'll blaze a way for us.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1584,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "You are master in your own house -- the doghouse!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1585,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral, but I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1586,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1587,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1588,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1589,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1590,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Some day you will find yourself -- and wish that you hadn't.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1591,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "People clap when they see you -- their hands over their eyes or ears.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1592,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering horribly.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1593,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "What's the latest dope -- besides you?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1594,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1595,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "You don't believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1596,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "When people cut their fingers you cry over it just so that you can get salt in the wound.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1597,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1598,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1599,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1600,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1601,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1602,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "You have a face only a mother could love -- and she hates it!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1603,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1604,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1605,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "e know that you would give your life for us. Promise!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1606,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say it was your stupidity.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1607,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Well, I'll see you in my dreams -- if I eat too much.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1608,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1609,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1610,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1611,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1612,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1613,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1614,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1615,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly, too.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1616,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "I know one should judge a man by what he really is instead of by appearances, but you are REALLY ugly",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1617,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1618,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1619,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "You have an inferiority complex -- and it's fully justified.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1620,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "You are not as bad as people say -- you are worse!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1621,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1622,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1623,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Whom am I calling \"stupid\"? I don't know. What's your name?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1624,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1625,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1626,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1627,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1628,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You grow on people -- like a wart!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1629,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1630,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1631,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1632,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1633,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "When you get to the men's room, you will see a sign that says, \"Gentlemen.\" Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1634,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1635,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1636,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1637,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "I heard you have hair on your chest, and that's not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1638,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1639,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1640,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Sit down and give your mind a rest.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1641,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1642,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1643,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1644,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1645,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1646,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You're very smart. You have brains you never used.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1647,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1648,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Eventually, you will get what you asked for.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1649,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1650,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1651,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1652,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "You are the answer to my prayer!! I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1653,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1654,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1655,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1656,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1657,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1658,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1659,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1660,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1661,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1662,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1663,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1664,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "I've hated your looks from the stare they gave me.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1665,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Don't you need a license to be that ugly?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1666,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1667,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1668,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word]; a long time ago.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1669,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1670,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1671,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1672,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1673,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1674,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1675,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1676,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1677,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1678,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1679,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1680,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1681,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1682,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1683,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1684,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1685,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1686,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1687,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Don't know for sure, they're still counting.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 1688,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb ?\nA: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.\nA: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 1689,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: None. The invisible hand does it.\nA: None. \"There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again.\"\nA: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!!",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 1690,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.\nA: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.\nA: Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.\nA: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 1691,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb ?\nA: None. \"Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the light bulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)\"",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 1692,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.\nA: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.\nA: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 1693,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out",
"category": "Science",
"id": 1694,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 1695,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional amendment.\nA: Only one. If he can handle 250,000,000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra light bulb.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 1696,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? \nA: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@ HOUSE!",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 1697,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.\"I'm not aware of your problem,\" the doctor said.\"So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.\"\"Of course,\" replied the patient.\"In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth...\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1698,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "the last thoughts, and percentages of brain capacity",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1699,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.\"Well,\" started Stallone, \"I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.\"\"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano\" said Willis. \"I'll play him.\"\"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,\" said Seagall. \"I'd like to play him.\"Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. \"Sounds splendid.\" Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, \"Who do you want to be, Arnold?\"So Arnold says, \"I'll be Bach.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1700,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Computer genderA marketing director for a prominent computer manufacturer was devising a new advertising campaign for his company. While researching consumer response to his product, he asked \"Naval ships are commonly referred to as 'she' or 'her'. What gender would you assign to your computer? Give four reasons to support your answer...\"A large group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 1701,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: \"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1702,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, \"If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.\"\"I don't think I'll be there,\" the boy said.\"You don't even know your way to the post office.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1703,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "So ya know, I've been taking these kung-fu classes lately. I must say,they are great. Teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, as smart as a dragon. Why just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1704,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "DOS: Defective Operating System.WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realise Our Software Only Falls Teenagers.ISDN: It Still Does Nothing.MACINTOSH: Machine Always Crashes. If Not, The Operating System Hangs",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1705,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.\"I have just the thing,\" says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. \"Just place this between your cheek and gum.\" The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, \"And what if I swallow it?\"\"No problem,\" says the barber. \"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1706,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The baseball season is fast approaching and the Mudville Sliders decided to call a press conference. During that meeting, I overheard some unusual comments:Andy ( writer for Sam's Sports Page): \"Will you have the same team as last year, considering you only won 42 games?\"Josh (Mudville Manager): \"We plan to make a few changes but it has nothing to do with our win/loss record. Thinking of getting rid of one of our pitchers, our right-fielder and our 1st baseman.\"Andy: \"That's quite a few. Could you please tell our readers the reason for these changes?\"Josh: \"Well, it's simple. We can't afford to tarnish the team's reputation. The pitcher hit one of the other team's batters in each of the last 8 games. He never was provoked. The 1st baseman got caught stealing 3rd base five times last season. What will people think? As for the right-fielder, I might give him a second chance; but all he could really catch last year, was a cold.\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 1707,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "My wife came home yesterday and said, \"Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.\" I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.I thought for a moment, then said, \"You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator.\"\"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor\" she insisted.\"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is the car?\"\"In the lake.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1708,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the \"Fasten Seat Belts\" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.\"Well,\" explained the girl, \"up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees.What would you do?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1709,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, \"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?\" The man says no.Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, \"This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?\"The man replies, \"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.\"\"Well, that's really sad,\" says Bob, \"but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?\"\"No,\" the man replies, \"they're all at the funeral.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1710,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners.Reintarnation:Coming back to life as a hillbilly.Foreploy:Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.Giraffiti:Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.Sarchasm:The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.Inoculatte:To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.Hipatitis:Terminal coolness.Osteopornosis:A degenerate disease.Glibido:All talk and no action.Intaxication:Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1711,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, \"Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1712,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES1.Sag, You're It!2.Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy3.20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear4.Kick the Bucket5.Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over6.Doc, Doc Goose7.Simon Says Something Incoherent8.Hide and Go Pee9.Spin the Bottle of Mylanta10.Musical Recliners",
"category": "Music",
"id": 1713,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, \"Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later.\"\n\n\"That's mighty nice of you,\" Willis answered, \"but I don't think Pa would like me to.\"\n\n\"Aw come on boy,\" the farmer insisted.\n\n\"Well okay,\" the boy finally agreed, and added, \"but Pa won't like it.\"\n\nAfter a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. \"I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.\"\n\n\"Don't be foolish!\" the neighbor said with a smile. \"By the way, where is he?\"\n\n\"Under the wagon.\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 1714,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.\"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,\" he said.\"I know,\" the owner said. \"But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.\"The contractor said. \"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1715,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A kid called up his mum from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. Mum said, \"Sure, sweetie. Mum will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?\"\"Uhh, oh yeah, o.k.\" Responded the kid.So Mum wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, \"Well how much did you give the boy this time?Mum said, \"Oh, I wrote 2 checks for him, one for $20, and the other for $1000.\"That's $1020!!!\" yelled Dad, \"Are you crazy???\"\"Don't worry hon,\" Mum said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, \"I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1716,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A martian landed in the country. He Went up to a farm house and knocked on the door. He told the farmer he would give him 1,000,000 dollars for his flock of sheep. The farmer said O.K. The martian pulled a tiny sheep out of his pocket and it ate all the sheep. The martian then offered the farmer $2,000,000 for all his cattle. He pulled a tiny cow from his pocket and it ate all the cattle. The farmer said, \"I will give you all the money back if you can pull a tiny republican from your pocket\".",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1717,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "One day Tarzan comes home to the treehouse and says \"Jane.. give me a double Matini\". Jane says \"What is wrong with you -- you don't drink alcohol!\" Tarzan says \"It's a jungle out there!\"\"When I'm out of red, I use blue.\" - Pablo Picasso",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1718,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A sales company has particular trouble selling Bibles in their location. They are always looking for someone to break through to their market and make a real difference.One day, a man comes in with a job application and says, \"I-I-I-I'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b-b-be a B-B-B-Bible salesman, s-s-s-sir.\"Initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but his conscience got the better of him. He decided to try him out.After three weeks, the manager is looking at the sales figures and realizes that the new guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office.\"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?\"\"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d- d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the B-B-B-Bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t- t-t-to y-y-y-you?\"",
"category": "Science",
"id": 1719,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were walking through the forest when Sleeping Beauty turned and said, \"I must be the most beautiful girl in the world.\"To that, Tom Thumb said, \"I must be the smallest.\"And Quasimodo \"I must be the ugliest in the world.\"With that, Tom Thumb said, \"Why don't we go to Guinness and have them certify us in their book of World Records?\"So Sleeping Beauty went in and came out, \"I am, I am, I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.\"Next, Tom Thumb came out, \"It's official, I'm the smallest in the world.\"Finally, Quasimodo came out, \"Who the hell is Linda Tripp?\".",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1720,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Emma and Geri were locked out of their car and were trying to open the door.Emma: \"I can't get it open!\"Geri: \"Well, hurry, because the top's down and it looks like it's going to rain!\"Q: Why does it take a Spice Girl 2 hours to drink orange juice?A: The carton says \"concentrate.\"Why do the Spice Girls write T.G.I.F. on their shoes?Toes Go In First.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1721,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Three men languished in Purgatory.After a while, they began talking to one another.Eventually, they got around to the age-old question asked by internees everywhere: \"Whaddya in for?\"The first man sighed, rolled his eyes heavenward and said \"Allah forgive me!I am a Moslem, and I once drank beer with my lunch.\"The second man looked ruefully at his bound hands and said \"May the Master of the Universe be truly merciful!I am a Jew, and I had a ham-and-cheese sandwich for lunch.\"The third guy remained quiet for some time, staring at the floor in abject misery.The other two prompted him gently, and finally resorted to shaking him, shouting \"Come on man!What did you do that was so awful?\"The third guy, choking back a sob, said \"I guess I may as well tell you guys... you've been so honest with me.I'm an Episcopalian and, God help me, I used the wrong fork!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1722,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with one drummer.He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, \"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.\" A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: \"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.\"",
"category": "Music",
"id": 1723,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Golfer: Notice any improvement since last year?Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?Golfer: \"Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?\"Caddy: \"Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mrs. Smith. You caught me off-guard.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1724,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, \"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names.\"His buddy hung his head. \"To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 1725,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.\"I must say,\" says the executive, \"your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job.\"\"Yes,\" says the man.\"Well,\" continues the executive, \"there's not much positive in that.\"\"Hey!\" says the guy as he pokes the application. \"At least I'm not a quitter.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1726,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A Michigan circuit judge tells about a divorce suit he handled recently.\"I think you might as well give your husband a divorce,\" he advised the wife.\"What!\" shouted the lady.\"I have lived with this bum for twenty years, and now I should make him happy?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1727,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, \"Were they ALL dead?\"The old farmer replied, \"Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 1728,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Science",
"id": 1729,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.\n\nFinally the little girl asks, \"Grandpa, did God make you?\"\n\n\"He sure did honey, a long time ago,\" replies her grandpa.\n\n\"Well, did God make me?\" asks the little girl.\n\n\"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago,\" answers her grandpa.\n\n\"Boy,\" says the little girl, \"He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 1730,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?A. A lobotomy.Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?A. Sue.Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?A. They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?A. Lipstick.Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?A. Skeet.Q. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...A. It was SO cold ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?A. In the city morgue.Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, They cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1731,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: Why are jokes about the Spice Girls so short?A: So that the girls themselves can understand them.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl in a university?A: A visitor.Q: Why was Emma so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle after 6 months?A: Because on the box it said: \"From 2-4 years\".",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1732,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "Bill and Hilary Clinton were the guests of honor at the World Marching Girl and Drum Majorette Championships in New York.Hilary noticed that Bill had a smile on his face, so she said, \" Well honey, what are you smiling at?\"Bill replied, \"Honey, if I had another inch, I'd be pretty popular amongst them Marching Girls.\"A big smile came across Hilary's face. Bill said, \"What are you smiling about?\"Hilary replied, \"Bill, if you had one inch less, you'd be out there marching with them.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1733,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "I was reminded today just how awful my wife's cooking was when we were first married. Yes, it's cliche but it's true. It was so bad that I teased her relentlessly. Recently, after an exceptionally exquisite meal, I put my fork down and asked her to what she attributed her acquired culinary mastery. She smiled a warm smile and looked at me as if I were an angel of light delivering divine revelation.\"Well,\" she said as her voice took on an ethereal grace, \"I believe it is a reflection of my heart. That the joy and love I feel are manifest in my cooking, in my gardening, in our children, in everything! I believe all things in life turn out well if they are done soulfully and honestly.\"\"Damn, baby,\" I said, my head awhirl at the thoughts and sounds from the woman next to me. \"I'm going to call that shrink of yours and tell him he has finally nailed the combination of prozac, lithium and paxil.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1734,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The world's most widely seen warning label: \"Intel Inside\"Windoze 95/98 Tech Support response: \"It's not a bug, it's a feature.\"Apple: \"We may not do everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to change.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1735,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ear.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?A: Pregnant.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1736,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, \"If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.\"\"I don't think I'll be there,\" the boy said.\"You don't even know your way to the post office.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1737,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, \"Your first job will be to sweep out the store.\"\"But I'm a college graduate,\" the young man replied indignantly.\"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that,\" said the manager. \"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how.\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 1738,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost. The owner replied, \"I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help.\" So she did just that.After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, \"That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00.\"The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she laid a stinky, sqeaky fart.The owner rang up the sale and said, \"That'll be fifty dollars.\" \"Fifty dollars?!?!\" the woman exclaimed. \"You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!\"\"Yes, I did\", said the owner, \"But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50.\"",
"category": "Blind Jokes",
"id": 1739,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "One day George Bush, Bill Clinton and Bob Packwood decide to visit the Wizard of OZ. After a long travel along the yellow brick road they arrive at the Wizards Palace.When they meet the Wizard he tells them that they may each have one wish fulfilled. The Wizard asks George Bush what he would like, to which George responds \"I would like to have a heart\" and a heart is given to him. The Wizard asks Bill Clinton what he would like, to which Bill responds \"I would like to have a brain\" and a brain is given to him.The Wizard then asks Bob Packwood what he would like, to which Bob responds \"Uhmmmm is Dorothy anywhere around\"........",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1740,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. \"Master, Master you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you.\"The man thought for a moment and said, \"I would like the following three things to happen this year -- The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title.\"The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1741,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job. \"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried,\" the Governor muttered.At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. \"Governor,\" the man said, \"is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?\"\"Certainly,\" the governor replied. \"But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1742,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Customer: \"I'm running Windows '95.\"Tech Support: \"Yes.\"Customer: \"My computer isn't working now.\"Tech Support: \"Yes, you said that.\"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 1743,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.There is a merger in the works involving Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.Others in the works:3M & Goodyear = mmmGoodJohn Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere AbiHoneywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm HomeDenison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney OperaGrey Poupon + Dockers Pants = Poupon PantsKnott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOWCrabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab AppleSwissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = SwisscheeseZippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 1744,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, \"I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.\"The other guy responds proudly, \"Yes, that I am!\"The first guy says, \"So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?\"The other guy answers, \"I'm from Dublin, I am.\"The first guy responds, \"Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?\"The other guy says, \"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.\"The first guy says, \"Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?\"The other guy answers, \"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course.\"The first guy gets really excited, and says, \"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?\"The other guy answers, \"Well, now, I graduated in 1964.\"The first guy exclaims, \"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self.\"About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, \"It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 1745,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years of income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced dream mobile.She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up.Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants.He demonstrates:\"Classical,\" he says. \"click\" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.\"Blues,\" she says, and \"click\" a B.B. King classic plays.She drives off amazed.\"Country,\" she says, and \"click\" a Garth Brooks tune comes on.\"Folk\" and \"click\" Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down.\"New Age\" and \"click\" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road.Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. \"JERK!!!\" she screams. \"click\" \"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.\"",
"category": "Music",
"id": 1746,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.\n\nThe first Catholic woman tells her friends \"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him \"Father.\"\n\nThe second Catholic woman chirps, \"My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, \"Your Grace.\"\n\nThe third Catholic mother says, \"My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, \"Your Eminence.\"\n\nSince the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, \"Well?\"\n\nSo she replies, \"My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2\", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, \"Oh my God!\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1747,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.\"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,\" she said.\"What's your secret for a long happy life?\"\"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,\" he said. \"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and neverexercise.\"\"That's amazing,\" the woman said. \"How old are you?\"\"Twenty-six,\" he said.",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 1748,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The boss called in his star salesman and said, \"I notice on your last expense report you entered '$50 for women' I don't really mind you having a good time and entertaining our clients, but you should be more discreet. From now on list those expenses as being for hunting.\" After that, the salesman's expense account regularly included items of \"$50 for hunting.\" But then one month the first entry read, \"$300 for cleaning rifle.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1749,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge remarked, \"I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1750,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.Q: What do engineers use for birth control?A: Their personalities.Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold a road map the wrong way.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1751,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Three old ladies were discussing the problems of getting older.One said, \"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonniaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.\"The second lady chimed in \"Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.\"The third responded, \"Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem;knock on wood.\"As she rapped her knuckles on the table...she said, \"That must be the door, I'll get it.\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 1752,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Dear Bill,\nI have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter. Sincerely, Your future father-in-law P.S. Congratulations on winning the Lottery !!!",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1753,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1754,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Math through the ages Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set \"L\" of lumber for a set \"M\" of money. The cardinality of set \"M\" is 100. Eachelement is worth one dollar.Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set \"M\". The set \"C\",the cost of productioncontains 20 fewer points than set \"M\". Represent the set \"C\" as a subset of set \"M\" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set \"P\" for profits? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making aliving? Topic for class participation after answering the question:How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut downthe trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, acompany improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How muchcapital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stockoptions at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed,because this encourages savings. Teaching Math in 1997: A company outsources all of its loggers.The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product isdown, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The averagelogger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeksvacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. Thecontracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move? Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home anda ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into thelogging company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when henails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Wasoutsourcing the loggers a good move for thecompany? Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOLprogrammer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is theprobability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of00:01, 01/01/2000?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1755,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?They're hiring.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1756,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Top 13 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 13. \"They told me at the blood bank this might happen.\" 12. \"This is just a 15 minute power-nap that they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.\" 11. \"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper\" 10. \"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!\" 9. \"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!\" 8. \"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.\" 7. \"I was actually doing a \"Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan\" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.\" 6. \"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?\" 5. \"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.\" 4. \"The coffee machine is broken . . . \" 3. \"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!\" 2. \"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.\" And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1. \"Amen\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1757,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "TOPEKA, Kan. - The Kansas School Board today has announced that it will be removing all references to kangaroos, koala, platypus and all fauna unique to the continent of Australia from all school books. The board argued that as there is no Biblical reference to Noah having stopped off at Australia to either pick off or drop off animals, that these creatures must be the spawn of Satan and, therefore, are inappropriate for study by Christians.The Board announced that in the future it would be taking on other hoaxes such as the \"dinosaur\" conspiracy and the silly idea of a \"heliocentric\" so-called \"solar system.\" They will also be working on publishing the New Kansas Dictionary, a reference book similar to the New American Dictionary except that it will omit objectionable words and terms like Paleozoic, Mesozoic, Jurassic, Cro-Magnon, Neanderthal, Australopithicus Africanus, science, reason, tolerance, etc.Further, next year's geology texts will dispense with the ridiculous concept of \"plate tectonics,\" instead attributing earthquakes to \"the trumpet blasts of angels.\"The Flat Earth Society refused to comment on the record, but one official of the Society, speaking on condition of anonymity, remarked, \"What a bunch of narrow minded, unscientific idiots.\"The Creator, who has not been heard from for quite some time, could not be reached for comment.",
"category": "Science",
"id": 1758,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "The young reporter covering Isreali politics took an apartment within sight of the Wailing Wall. Each day she would watch the faithful pray.One rabbi in particular stood out, so fervent were his prayers.One evening she approached him;\"Rabbi, I'm a reporter from America, from my window, each day, I see you pray in the morning and evening at this wall faithfully and with great zeal. How long have you been doing this?\"\"I pray at the wall, twice a day for 30 years.\" was the reply.\"Tell me Rabbi, what is it that you pray for?\"\"I pray at the wall for peace. Peace of mind, peace among nations, peace among families, peace among friends, peace among all people. Each day, twice a day, I come to the wall and I pray.\" \"Tell me Rabbi, when you pray, are your prayers answered?\"What are you kidding? It's like talking to a wall!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1759,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.\n\nThe group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.\n\nOne day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.\n\nThe boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said \"Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded \"Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too.\"\n\nThe first man exclaimed \"Oh hell, there go my Sundays!\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 1760,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.One old lady turns to the other and asks, \"Do you still get horny?\"The other replies, \"Oh, sure I do.\"The first old lady asks, \"What do you do about it?\"The second old lady replies, \"I suck a lifesaver.\"After a few moments, the first old lady asks, \"Who drives you to the beach?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1761,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERSIf a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.Quickly turn off the computer. . . . and be sure to tell your mom.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 1762,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.The blondes applauded.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1763,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A young military jet pilot a single engine F-16 American fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.The hotdog picked up his microphone and transmitted, \"Anything you can do, I can do better.\"The veteran bomber pilot answered, \"Try this hot-shot.\"The 4 engine B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.Perplexed, the hotdog asked, \"So? What did you do?\"\"I just shut down two engines.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1764,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man is waiting patiently for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.The son is just a head!The father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.Swoooop! A torso pops out!The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.The patrons chant\"Take another drink\"!The bartender shakes his head in dismay.Swoooop! Two arms pops out.The bar goes wild.The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.The patrons chant \"Take another drink\"!The bartender ignores the whole affair.By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.Swoooop! Two legs pop out.The bar is in chaos.The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.The bar falls silent.The father moans in grief.The bartender sighs and says, \"That boy should have quit while he was still a head.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1765,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four\nchildren leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear\nand setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while\nthe girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking\nutensils.\n\nA nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, \"That, sir, is\nsome display of teamwork.\"\n\nThe father replied, \"I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom\nuntil the camp is set up.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1766,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A US Commerce Department Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. \"This will look nice on my mantelpiece,\" he decides, and takes it home with him.While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. \"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!\"He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.\"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.\" Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.He eagerly gives the genie his third and final wish: \"I wish I'd never have to work ever again.\"POOF! He's back in his government office.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1767,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it backdown to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one arm rest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room untilhe finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the \"open here\" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. 8 PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1768,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "\"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.\" --Conan O'Brien \"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?\" --Warren Hutcherson \"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.\" --Dick Cavett \"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.\" --Rita Rudner \"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.\" --Paul Rodriguez \"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?\" --Robin Williams If the president of the USA has to be a natural-born citizen, could a test- tube baby ever be president? --Stephen Wright",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1769,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1770,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "WHY AIRPLANES ARE BETTER THAN WOMENl. An airplane will kill you quickly...a woman takes her time.2. Airplanes like to do it inverted.3. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.4. An airplane's thrust to weight ratio is higher.5. An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'6. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.7. Airplanes come with manuals.8. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.9. You can fly an airplane any time of the month.10. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.11. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.12. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.13. When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.14. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines. 15. It's OK to use tiedowns on your airplane.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1771,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her \"no.\" The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, \"Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset.It won't be long.\"He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, \"There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out.\"The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, \"Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.\"The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. \"I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen...\" The mother broke in, \"My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1772,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "OLD & NEW CONCERNS FOR THE BABY BOOMERThen: Long hair.Now: Longing for hair.Then: KegNow: EKG.Then: Acid rockNow: Acid reflux.Then: Moving to California because it's cool.Now: Moving to California because it's hot.Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.Then: Seeds and stems.Now: Roughage.Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.Now: Popping joints.Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.Then: Paar.Now: AARP.Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.Then: Killer weed.Now: Weed killer.Then: Hoping for a BMW.Now: Hoping for a BM.Then: The Grateful Dead.Now: Dr. Kevorkian.Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.Now: Getting a new hip joint.",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1773,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest, and asked if the priest would hear his confession.\"Of course, my son,\" said the priest.\"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.\"\"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,\" said the priest.\"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,\" continued the old man.\"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,\" said the priest.\"Thanks, Father,\" said the old man.\"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?\"\"Of course,my son,\" said the priest.The old man asked, \"Do I need to tell her that the war is over?\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 1774,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat.As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, \"So where are you flying to today?\"She turns and smiles,and says, \"To the annual Nymphomaniac convention, in Chicago.\"Whoa! He swallows hard,and is instantly CRAZED with excitement! Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right NEXT to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, \"And what's your role at this convention?\"She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, \"Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.\"\"Really\" he says, swallowing hard. \"And what myths are those?\"She explains: \"Well, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average.\"\"Very interesting,\" the man responds.Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. \"I'm sorry,\" she says, \"I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name!\"The man extends his hand and replies, \"Tonto. Tonto Goldstein.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 1775,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mike.\"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?\"Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.\"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?\"Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. \"I'll try the easier part first.\"The M.C. nodded approvingly. \"Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half.\"The audience was silent with anticipation......\"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1776,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "\"My wife dresses to kill.She cooks the same way.\" ...Henny Youngman \"My wife and I were happy for twenty years.Then we met.\" ...Rodney Dangerfield \"I was married by a judge.I should have asked for a jury.\" ...George Burns",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1777,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Today's woman puts on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted make-up/shadows/blushes/creams, living bras, various pads that would make a line-backer envious, has implants and assorted other surgeries, then complains that she cannot find a \"real\" man.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1778,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A Mr. Jones was sued by a Mrs. Johnson for defamation of character.She charged that he had called her a pig.Mr. Jones was indeed found guilty and fined.After the trial he asked the judge, \"Your Honor, this means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?\"The judge said that was true.\"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?\" the man asked.The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.Mr. Jones grinned, looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, \"Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1779,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The Secret Service has added a $1M security system to the President and Hillary's new home in suburban New York. The security system includes bullet proof windows, flood lights, and an alarm that goes off whenever Hillary's on her way home.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1780,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "How do you explain counterclockwise to a kid who grew up with a digital watch?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1781,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.2. Leakproof thermoses--will.3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. [By definition]8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1782,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "If men really did rule the world... Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to \"I love you.\" Hallmark would make \"Sorry, what was your name again?\" cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. \"Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night\" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Instead of beer belly, you'd get \"beer biceps.\" Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, \"You're #1!\" Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. Two words: ALLY MCNAKED. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. The only show opposite \"Monday Night Football\" would be \"Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle.\" It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.Every man would get four real \"Get Out of Jail Free\" cards per year. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.As in: Cop: \"You know how fast you were going?\" You: \"All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.\" Cop: \"Nice one.That's $10 off.\" Faucets would run \"Hot,\" \"Cold,\" and \"100 proof.\" The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.",
"category": "Men",
"id": 1783,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "There are many stories related to the sinking of the \"Titanic\". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The \"Titanic\" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.",
"category": "Ethnic Jokes",
"id": 1784,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE THE AIRLINES UNIX Airways Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ... Mac Airlines All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. Windows Air The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off.After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever. Windows NT Air Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes. Linux Air Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline.They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves.They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html.Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful.You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, \"You had to do what with the seat?\"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 1785,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsingthe cages on display. While there, a customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, \"I'll have a C monkey, please\". The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying \"That'll be $5,000\". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist says to the shopkeeper. \"That was a very expensive monkey--most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?\" \"Ah, that monkey can program in C--very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.\" The tourist looks at the monkeys in that cage. \"That one's even more expensive $10,000! What does it do?\" \"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.\" The tourist sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. Startled he says to the shopkeeper, \"That one costs more than all the others combined! What on earth does it do?\" \"Well, I don't know if it does anything, it's a Consultant.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1786,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The National Football League announced yesterday, its name changes and schedules for the '99 seasonThe Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day.Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers hosting the St. Louis Wild Endangered Species, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People.The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the Phoenix Male Finches.The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden.The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Free Booters later in Week 9.And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Large Mountain Mammals.Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1787,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter. My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1788,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP ...BUMP sound behind him.Walking faster he looks back and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster ...faster ...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP!!.He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, withthe lid of the coffin clapping...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man.Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.The man screams and reaches for something, anything ...but all he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin... and of course......the coffin stops.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1789,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. Suddenly a seagull flies over and craps all over them. The brunette say's in a disgusted voice; \"Hang on, the bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet paper.\" After she leaves, the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead asks, \"What's so funny?\" The blonde says \"Well, blondes are suppose to be so dumb.......but look at her.......by the time she gets back with the toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1790,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Here was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The idiot says, \"That was a karate chop from Korea.\"The little guy thinks \"GEEZ,\" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, \"That was a judo chop from Japan.\" So the little guy has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and *WHACK*bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!The little guy looks at the bartender and says, \"When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Sears.\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 1791,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Bridget got sick of all these \"dumb blonde\" jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.Back in our office the next day, Jim started telling one he just got on the internet.She cut him off cold.\"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes.I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals.\"Jim looked at her, as she appeared quite serious, and said, \"I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?\"\"N\", Bridget answered.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1792,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Hello.Welcome to this year's public service entrance exam.I see that all of you have been able to find yourself a seat and a desk so obviously you've got what it takes to be public servants. Should you pass this exam and become a member of the public service, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including: an early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work; flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work and when you don't want to work away from work; plus free use of government stationery this has been facilitated by the introduction of eight-items-or-less lanes as you leave the building. I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from their neighbour's paper will be automatically assigned to ASIO - regardless of whether they fail the intelligence test. ESPECIALLY if they fail the intelligence test. MATHEMATICS Please answer the following questions in the spaces provided on your answer sheet. 1.If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2.30pm how long have you had for lunch? - the answer is of course, half an hour. 2.If one public servant takes 3 hours to process a 321/L3/MX1 form how long would it take two public servants to process the same form? - the answer is, of course, four hours. For those of you who failed the maths test, you may still be eligible to become Mr Howard's tax policy adviser. MULTIPLE CHOICE 1.If you are about to take your lunchbreak and a female member of the general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying a.Can I help you, madam? b.Can I help you, miss? c.What can I do you for, mate? d.How's tricks, doll-face? The correct answer is:None of the above.This is a trick question. If you are about to take your lunchbreak, you shouldn't talk to her at all. 2.If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you realise that the file on this matter has been lost, you should say a.We are looking into the matter b.Can I get back to you on this one? c.The matters have been referred to another committeed.I haven't had a chance to look into it yet. The correct answer is that you should tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension. SPELLING Spell the following words: a.Tea b.Sickie c.Lunchbreak d.Go-slow This is the end of the examination. Please sign your exam paper illegibly and pass it to those collecting them, while denying that you have ever seen or heard anything about it.",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1793,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Three convicts were on the way to prison.They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars.On the bus, one turned to another and said, \"So, what did you bring?\" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could.He wanted to become the \"Grandma Moses of Jail.\" Then he asked the first, \"What did you bring?\" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, \"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.\" The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, \"Why are you so smug?What did you bring?\" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.\"I brought these.\" The other two were puzzled and asked, \"What can you do with those?\" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, \"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1794,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A drunk walks into a bar and says, \"Bartender, buy everyone in the housea drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.\" So, the bartenderdoes just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, \"I haven'tgot it.\" The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws himout into the street. The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, \"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.\" The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. Again, the drunk says, \"I haven't got it.\" The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, \"Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give methe bill.\" In disgust, the bartender says, \"What, no drink for me thistime?\" The drunk replies, \"Nope! You get too violent when you drink.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1795,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "THE GIRL'S PRAYER Our Cash Which art on plastic Hallowed be thy name Thy Cartier watch Thy Coach bag In Gumps As it is in Tiffany's Give us each day our Platinum Visa And forgive us our overdraft As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard And lead us not into K-mart And deliver us from Loeman's For thine is the Rolex, the Harry Winston and the Armani For Chanel No.5 and Eternity Amex. THE BOYS PRAYER Our beer Which art in bottles Hallowed by thy sport Thy will be drunk I will be drunk At home as it is in the pub Give us each day our daily schooners And forgive us our spillage As we forgive those who spillest against us And lead us not into the practice of California wine tasting And deliver us from Tequila For mine is the adult beverage The ladys and the freedom Forever and ever Barmen.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1796,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes,when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says \"I've heard just about enough of your damn hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South.\" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, \"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the little wise-guy on your knee!\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 1797,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "In Praise Of Older Women An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night & ask you, \"What are you thinking?\" An older woman doesn't care what you think. Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey. Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park. Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear undergarments at all. An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas. Older women know how to cook.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1798,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "REDNECK JEDI You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... ==> You ever heard the phrase, \"May the force be with y'all.\" ==> Your Jedi robe is camouflage. ==> You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. ==> At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. ==> You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. ==> You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. ==> The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. ==> Wookies are offended by your B.O. ==> You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. ==> You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. ==> Your father has ever said to you, \"Shoot, son come on over to the dark side ... it'll be a hoot.\" ==> You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. ==> You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. ==> You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. ==> You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. ==> Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. ==> You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. ==> You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. ==> You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. ==> If you hear . . . \"Luke, I am your father...and your uncle\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1799,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The Washington Post's \"Style Invitational\" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners: Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . . . Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1800,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The Washington Post's \"Style Invitational\" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners (1998): Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank. Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers. Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly. Hipatitis: terminal coolness. Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1801,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The Washington Post's \"Style Invitational\" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners (1998): Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank. Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers. Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly. Hipatitis: terminal coolness. Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1802,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Three convicts were on the way to prison.They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars.On the bus, one turned to another and said, \"So, what did you bring?\" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could.He wanted to become the \"Grandma Moses of Jail.\" Then he asked the first, \"What did you bring?\" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, \"I brought cards.I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.\" The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, \"Why are you so smug?What did you bring?\" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.\"I brought these.\" The other two were puzzled and asked, \"What can you do with those?\" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, \"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1803,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "..A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, \"What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?\"A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, \"I don't know... Why don't you play your age?\"He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.He asks, \"What happened? Is she all right?\"The operator replies, \"I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1804,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's sex drive. \"What about trying Viagra?\" asks the doctor. \"Not a chance,\" says Mrs. Murphy. \"He won't even take an aspirin for a headache.\" \"No problem\" replies the doctor. \"Drop it into his coffee; he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.\" A week later, Mrs. Murphy visits the doctor, and he inquires as to how things went. \"Oh, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor.\" \"What happened?\" asks the doctor. \"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off, and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.\" \"What's terrible?\" asked the doctor. \"Was the sex not good?\" \"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 1805,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a very rural area. Luckily, Farmer Jones came to help with his big strong horse named Hobo . . . He hitched ole Hobo up to the car and yelled, \"Pull, Nellie, pull!\" Hobo didn't move a muscle... just flicked away a fly with his tail.Then Jones hollered out, \"C'mon, pull, Davey, pull!\" Again, ole Hobo didn't move.Once more the farmer commanded, \"Pull, Stetson, pull!\" Nothing from Hobo.Then the farmer nonchalantly said, \"Pull, Hobo. C'mon, boy, pull!\" And the horse easily dragged the car up, out of the ditch.The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times in a row.Wise Farmer Jones answered, \"Well, ole, Hobo here is blind as a bat. If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 1806,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "It was primary time and the politician decided to go out to the local reservation to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.\"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!\"The crowd went wild, shouting \"Hoya Hoya\".The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.\"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!\"\"Hoya! Hoya!\" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.\"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!\"The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting, \"Hoya!Hoya!Hoya!\"After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle.Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.\"Sure,\" the Chief said, \"but be careful not to step in the hoya.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1807,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. \"You don't want to try these techniques at home.\"\"Why not?\" asked someone from the back of the audience.\"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,\" the expert explained. \"She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'\"The voice from the back asked, \"Did it save time?\"The expert replied, \"Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1808,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.Five second fuses only last three seconds.If the enemy is in range, so are you.Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.Never trust a private with a loaded weapon, or an officer with a map.Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.Remember, tracers work both ways.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1809,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A crusty old marine corps colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, \"Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?\"\"No,\" the colonel said, \"just serious by nature.\"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, \"It looks like you have seen a lot of action.\"The colonel's short reply was, \"Yes, a lot of action.\"The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, \"You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself.\"The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.Finally the young lady said, \"You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?\"The colonel looked at her and replied, \"1955.\"She said, \"Well there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?\"The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, \"Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 1810,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "San Francisco attorney Vince Hallinan was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial in 1986 - it went like thisQ. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene.Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life.Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do.Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do.Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir.Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 1811,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "On the way to preschool with her daughter, the doctor hadleft her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl pickedit up and began playing with it.\"How sweet,\" thought the doctor, \"my daughter wants tofollow in my footsteps!\"Then the child spoke into the instrument, \"Welcome toMcDonald's. May I take your order?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1812,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The tory leader William Hague was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited a class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.The teacher asked the Mr. Hague if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, \"Tragedy.\"So our illustrious leader asks the class for anexample of a \"tragedy.\"One little boy stands up and offers, \"If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy.\"\"No,\" says William Hague, \"that would be an accident.\"A little girl raises her hand. \"If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.\"\"I'm afraid not,\" explains Mr Hague. \"That's what wewould call GREAT LOSS.\" The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.The tory leader searches the room. \"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?\"Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand.In a quiet voice he says, \"If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Hague, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.\"\"Fantastic,\" exclaims Mr Hague, \"that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?\"\"Well,\" says the boy, \"because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1813,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, \"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.\"So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.He proceed to talk up a storm.Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.2.There are 10 Commandments, not 12.3.There are 12 Disciples, not 10.4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.6.We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.7.The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.9.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, \"Take this and eat it, for it is my body\", he did not say, \"Eat Me\".12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, \"Mary with the Cherry\".13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not: \"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!\"14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1814,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.He told the fish salesman, \"Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?\"\"Why do you want me to throw them at you?\"\"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.\"\"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.\"\"But why?\"\"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1815,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became to much and he could go no farther.He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike immediately took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 90 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radiod to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 90 mph. He then relayed, \"And you're not going to believe this -- but there's this *really* amazing guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!!\".",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 1816,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Why are you late?Webster: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Webster: The one that says, \"School Ahead, Go Slow.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1817,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "One night, after a long hard day at work a politician went home. It was fairly late, around 10:00 p.m.All of the sudden, a masked man jumped out of the bushes and demanded all the politician's money.\"You can't do that!!\" The politician cried. \"I'm a politician!\"\"Oh,\" said the masked man, \"in that case give me all MY money!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1818,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.He said to the hole digger, \"I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!\"The hole digger replied, \"Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1819,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A man was walking past a grave yard and he heard one of Beethoven's symphoney's playing backwards. He thought to himself \"That's wierd\" and kept walking.The next day the same man walked past the same cemetary and heard another one of Beethoven's symphony's playing backward's. He thought to himself \"Now that's REALLY wierd!\" and kept going.The next day the same man was once again walking past the same cemetary and heard \"Ode to Joy\" playing backwards. The man said \"I can't take this any more!\" he walked up to the caretaker and asked, \"What is going on around here?!\" the caretaker answered, \"Oh, that's just Beethoven decomposing.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1820,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Roy was a gas station attendant. One day he was filling up another car, when he spotted three penguins sitting on the back seat of the car.Baffled, Roy asked the driver: \"What's up with those penguins?\"The man in the car replied: \"I found them by the side of the road. But to tell you the truth, I have no idea what to do with them.\"Roy wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but after a few minutes of hard thinking he came up with a pretty good idea: \"You should take them to the zoo,\" he said.\"Great idea,\"the man in the car smiled and drove away. The next day the man with the car was back at Roy's gas station.And the penguins were still in the back seat of the car! \"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo,\" Roy said.\"Oh, I did,\" said the driver, \"and we had a great time! Today I'm taking them to the beach.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1821,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Judi is explaining to Monika the bad day she'd had at work.Judi's boss had suffered a heart attack and died.Monika said, \"How horrible!What did you do?\" Judi shook her head.\"There was nothing I *could* do.He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1822,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, \"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names.\"His buddy hung his head. \"To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1823,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Top Ten Signs Your Dog Doesn't Like Your Husband:1. Your dog keeps running away, but you alwaysknow where to find him: In front of your ex-boyfriend's door.2. He brings your husband his slippers and he brings you the car keys.3. He eats a load full of grass in the backyard, comes back in the house and waits by your husband's shoes.4. When he eats his dogfood, he gags everytime your husband walks past him.5. After your wedding, your dog played dead for a week.6. You notice that all the other dogs in the neighborhood keep giving your husband dirty looks.7. When he's supposed to bring your husband the paper, the only part he brings are the \"apartments for rent.\" 8. When your husband walks the dog, your dog tries to drag him to another neighborhood.9. When you come home, your dog comes running over to greet you. When your husband comes home, the dog sits down and starts scraping his butt along the carpeted floor.10. Your husband's cat has been missing for days.",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 1824,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. \"My, you look tired,\" she said. \"You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?\"\"It was terrible,\" her husband said. \"The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.\"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 1825,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "I was reminded today just how awful my wife's cooking was when we were first married. Yes, it's cliche but it's true. It was so bad that I teased her relentlessly. Recently, after an exceptionally exquisite meal, I put my fork down and asked her to what she attributed her acquired culinary mastery. She smiled a warm smile and looked at me as if I were an angel of light delivering divine revelation.\"Well,\" she said as her voice took on an ethereal grace, \"I believe it is a reflection of my heart. That the joy and love I feel are manifest in my cooking, in my gardening, in our children, in everything! I believe all things in life turn out well if they are done soulfully and honestly.\"\"Damn, baby,\" I said, my head awhirl at the thoughts and sounds from the woman next to me. \"I'm going to call that shrink of yours and tell him he has finally nailed the combination of prozac, lithium and paxil.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1826,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What is the definition of eternity?A: 4 blondes, 4 cars, 4 stop signs.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1827,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "When Mother Theresa died she went to Heaven. For a week or two she was fully satisfied that she had to eat only fruits and vegetables, but then one day complained to St.Peter and asked for some cooked meal. - My Dear, - said St.Peter, - and who is going to cook every day for just the three of us?!This Preacher's son asks his father,\"Dad, can I have a car?\" The preacher replies,\", I will get you a car IF you get a haircut.\" Then his son says,\"Dad, Jesus had long hair.\" \"Yeah but he walked everywhere.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1828,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A couple of carpet layers are installing new carpeting in the home of a pompous rich woman. They get the carpet all layed and one of them can't find his pack of cigarettes. He checks his pockets, etc., until finally his buddy spots a lump under the carpet.\"Geez, he says, we better handle this before she sees it.\"He goes to pull the carpet away from the wall when his buddy says,\"Wait, I have an easier way.\"He takes his hammer and pounds the lump flat. Just then, the woman comes in and asks frantically,\"Have you seen my toy poodle?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1829,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "President Clinton steps off Air Force One with a piglet under his arm. An impeccably dressed Marine Guard greets The President, cominh to attention and snapping out a razor-sharp salute. \"Welcome back, SIR! Nice pig you got there, SIR!\"President: \"These here is an Arkansas Razorback that I got for Hillary.Marine Guard: Nice trade, SIR!",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1830,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods. The bear looked over to the rabbit and asked: \"Mr. Rabbit, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?\"The rabbit replied: \"Why no, Mr. Bear, I most certainly do not.\"So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1831,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": ";/C;/C;/C/DOS.;/C/DOS/RUN.RUN/DOS/RUN>",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1832,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered on the first ring, \"Hello?\"Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, \"Is your Daddy home?\".\"Yes.\", whispered the small voice.May I talk with him?\", the man asked.To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, \"No.\"Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, \"Is your Mommy there?\".\"Yes.\", came the answer.\"May I talk with her?\".Again the small voice whispered, \"No.\"Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.\"Is there any one there besides you?\", the boss asked the child.\"Yes\", whispered the child, \"A policeman.\"Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, \"May I speak with the policeman?\".\"No, he's busy.\", whispered the child.\"Busy doing what?\", asked the boss.\"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.\", came the whispered answer.Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, \"What is that noise?\".\"A hello-copper.\", answered the whispering voice.\"What is going on there?\", asked the boss, now alarmed.In an awed whispering voice the child answered, \"The search team just landed the hello-copper!\"Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, \"Why are they there?\"Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, \"They're looking for me!\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 1833,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer:1. You met him in prison.2. His last good case was a Budweiser.3. All his law books are from Time-Life.4. He picks the jury by playing duck, duck, goose.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1834,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES1.Sag, You're It!2.Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy3.20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear4.Kick the Bucket5.Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over6.Doc, Doc Goose7.Simon Says Something Incoherent8.Hide and Go Pee9.Spin the Bottle of Mylanta10.Musical Recliners",
"category": "Music",
"id": 1835,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. \"One thing about my buddy, here,\" the other man said proudly to the bartender, \"Nobody can say he doesn't know when to stop!\"-*-Q: What two, 4-letter words do men hate?A: Don't and stop... unless used together.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1836,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.\"This\", he said, \"is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it\".At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. \"Where is my father\"? he asked.There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words \"Fishing off Florida\". Clever Dick laughed.\"Actually\", he said, \"my father is dead\"!It had been a tricky question!!The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, \"Where ismy mother's husband\"? Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words:\"Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.\"",
"category": "State Jokes",
"id": 1837,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, \"Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!\"\"Yes, I'm amazed also,\" came the reply. \"He hated the book.\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 1838,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "Two men held up a bank.They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, \"Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?\"One of the robbers said, \"What's on your mind, pal?\"\"Would you mind taking the books, too?I'm five thousand short.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1839,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.\"Pardon me,\" she said, \"I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.\"\"I'm very sorry,\" replied the young man, \"is there anything I can do for you?\"\"Yes,\" she said, \"As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ?It would make me feel so much better.\"\"Sure,\" answered the young man.As the old woman was leaving, he called out, \"Goodbye, Mother!\"As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.\"How can that be?\" he asked, \"I only purchased a few things!\"\"Your mother said that you would pay for her,\" said the clerk.",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1840,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, \"Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?\"The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, \"Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 1841,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, \"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?\"The guard replies, \"They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.\"\"That's an awfully exact number,\" says the tourist. \"How do you know their age so precisely?\"The guard answers, \"Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1842,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call a cat with a machine gun?A: Sir.Q: What does a snail do on a tortoise's back?A: \"Vrooom... vrooom... vrooooooom...\"Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 1843,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. \"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice,\" said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. \"Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach.\"\"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,\" declared Mrs. Jones proudly. \"Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house.\"Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. \"Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does.Nobody.\"\"So what does she do?\" asked the two women, turning to her.\"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1844,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, \"Big John doesn't pay!\" and sat down at the back.The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, \"Big John doesn't pay!,\" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, \"And why not?\"With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, \"Big John has a bus pass.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1845,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Maxims For The Internet Age",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1846,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, \"This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off.\"\"That's baloney!\" says one of the hunters. \"Yeah,\" the other agrees, \"you're just chicken.We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!\"\"Yeah\", said the first hunter, \"and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!\"The pilot got angry, and said, \"Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!\"They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up,scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, \"Where are we?\"One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, \"I'd say... About a hundred yards further than last year.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1847,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. \"Look,\" said the customer, \"I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?\" \"Sure\", said the bartender, and he did. \"Now,\" said the customer, \"I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.\" \"Certainly.\" And it was done. \"If,\" said the armless man, \"you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer.\" The bartender got it. \"You've been very kind,\" said the customer. \"Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?\" \"Out the door,\" said the bartender, \"turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1848,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.\"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'\" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, \"because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump.\"\"You've got it all wrong, Major,\" an Air Force sergeant replied.\"The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to complain about the salary.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 1849,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications & said, \"We have an opening for people like you.\"\"Oh, great,\" the man said, \"What is it?\"\"It's called the door!\".",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1850,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, \"How to Master Your Wife.\"The salesgirl said, \"Our science fiction section is upstairs.\"",
"category": "Science",
"id": 1851,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, \"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.\" Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, \"OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?\"\"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.\" So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, \"Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!\" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. \"No, no, just name anyone else,\" Bubba says.\"President Clinton, \"his boss quickly retorts.\"Yes,\" Bubba says, \"I know him, let's fly out to Washington.\" And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, \"Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.\" Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.\"The Pope,\" his boss replies.\"Sure!\" says Bubba. \"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time.\" So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, \"This will never work I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.\" And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, \"What happened?\" His boss looks up and says, \"I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, \"Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1852,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, \"Ribbit 9 Iron\".The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, \"Ribbit 9 Iron\". He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, \"Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?\" The frog reply's, \"Ribbit Lucky frog\".The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. \"What do you think frog?,\" the man asks. \"Ribbit 3 wood\". The guy takes out 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,\" OK where to next?\" The frog replies,\"Ribbit Las Vegas\".They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, \"OK frog, now what?\" The frog says, \"Ribbit Roulette\". Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, \"What do you think I should bet?\" The frog replies, \"Ribbit $3000, black 6\". Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures why not. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He puts the frog down and says, \"Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful\".The frog replies, \"Ribbit Kiss Me\". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl \"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1853,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, \"I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.\"The professor said \"I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back.\"The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.The driver said, \"I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1854,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging betweenthem a young man in a three-piece suit.\"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,\" said one.\"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,\" said the other.And so they haggled before the King until he called forsilence.\"Bring me my biggest sword,\" said Solomon, \"and I shall hew the youngattorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.\"\"Sounds good to me,\" said the first lady.But the other woman said, \"Oh Sire, do not spill innocentblood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.\"The wise king did not hesitate a moment. \"The attorney mustmarry the first lady's daughter,\" he proclaimed.\"But she was willing to hew him in two!\" exclaimed theking's court.\"Indeed,\" said wise King Solomon. \"That shows she is theTRUE mother-in-law.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1855,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing \"Love\" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says \"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'\"\"But why?\" asks the man.\"I'm a divorce lawyer,\" the man replies.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1856,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A woman went to the doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new\ndoctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she\nburst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor\nstopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He\nhad her sit down and relax in another room.\n\nThe older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, \"What's the\nmatter with you? Mrs. Jones is 63 years old, she has four grown\nchildren and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was\nPREGNANT?\"\n\nThe new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his\nclipboard.\n\n\"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1857,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "**Pick-Up Line Of the Day**Guy goes up to a girl, licks his finger, touches her on the shoulder, and then touches himself (all this while she is watching him) andsays:How about you and I get out of these wet clothes?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1858,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.After the initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, \"I'm sorry to bother you but I'm cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.\"The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, \"I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married.\"\"Hey, terrific idea!\" says the eager man.\"Good!\" she replies, \"Get your own fu..in' blanket!\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 1859,
"rating": 3.2
},
{
"body": "Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St Peter met them.They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.\"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay there and I will be right back.'Six months passed and finally Peter returned. \"Yes, we can do this for you.\"The couple replied, \"Well as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we could be divorced if the marriage doesn't work out?\"To this St Peter answered, \"It took me six months to find a priest up here... how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1860,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke. \"Listen buddy,\" he growled. \"See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?\" \"Nah, guess not,\" the man replied. \"I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1861,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "New Elements On The Periodic Table",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1862,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A Swede, a Norwegian and a Dane are caught in a snowstorm on the side of a mountain. They stumble across a cave and decide to take shelter.On entering they are greeted by an awful stench which, on inspection, turns out to come from a half-dead goat which has taken refuge in the cave.The three of them debate what to do and the Norwegian agrees to go in first. Five minutes later he staggers out sick with nausea and collapses.Then the Dane goes in and, ten minutes later crawls out and expires.Finally the Swede goes in and, fifteen minutes later.. the goat comes out.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1863,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A martian landed in the country. He Went up to a farm house and knocked on the door. He told the farmer he would give him 1,000,000 dollars for his flock of sheep. The farmer said O.K. The martian pulled a tiny sheep out of his pocket and it ate all the sheep. The martian then offered the farmer $2,000,000 for all his cattle. He pulled a tiny cow from his pocket and it ate all the cattle. The farmer said, \"I'll give you all the money back if you can pull a tiny politician from your pocket\".",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1864,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "This guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice \"Can you talk?\" This goes on for weeks with absolutely no response from the bird.Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts \"CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?\"The bird looks him in the eye and says \"I can talk, all right. Can you fly?\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 1865,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, \"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving.\" He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, \"Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?\" The Officer replies, \"The President is just so depressed about all the problems going on that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him\". \"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?\" \"So far only about a hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 1866,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The counselor at the \"magnet\" school called a boy (Myrddin) into his office before school started.\"Myrddin, I have some good news and some bad news to relate to you this morning. We've just reviewed all of your personality tests and I'm afraid you have definite homosexual tendencies. And now the good news -- I think you're cute as heck!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1867,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts \"RUN! RUN!!\"A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts \"RUN! RUN!!\"Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, \"What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?\" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts \"RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!\" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.So Paddy shouts instead, \"WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1868,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Guy on phone to girlfriend: \"How can you say I don't care? My records show I had a valentine faxed to your home number.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1869,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, \"Jesus Christ!\" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, \"GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!\" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, \"Mother trucker,\" or \"Mother's from there.\" Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.",
"category": "State Jokes",
"id": 1870,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Catholic MathLittle Tommy was ding very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.She calls him down to dinner and the her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great tredpidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it?Was it the nuns?Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.Well then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they wern't fooling around.",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1871,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Jews for centuries have had outstanding people in many fields of science and research. But, in the year 1639, in a small Polish town, a 14-year-old Jewish boy, Sidney, started his own scientific investigations.Sidney, with his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started the experiment with the bull frog, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, \"Jump frog!\"The frog jumped and Sidney measured the distance. \"12 feet. Write that down, Sophie.\" he said.Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, \"Jump frog!\" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction Sophie wrote it down.Again the frog was brought back, and the left front leg was removed, and again said, \"Jump frog!\" It jumped 6 feet and Sophie wrote it down.Again Sidney tried, this time removing the large right back leg. \"Jump frog! Jump frog!\" he shouted and prodded the frog. The frog jumped 8 inches. \"Write it down, Sophie.\"Finally Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig, shouting \"Jump frog! Jump Frog! JUMP FROG! JUMP, JUMP FROG!\"The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, \"So what should I write down?\"Sidney thought a moment, and told Sophie to write, \"When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf.\"",
"category": "Science",
"id": 1872,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "During the \"rush hour\" at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. They were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for them.After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, \"We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.\"A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. \"Sorry,\" he said, \"wrong plane.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1873,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q. How do you know an lawyer is lying to you?A. His lips are moving.A. What do you do if you see a drowning lawyer?Q. Throw in his wife and kids.Q. Why are lawyers like laxatives?A. They irritate the crap out of you.Q. What do you need when you've have three lawyers up to their necks in cement?A. More cement.Q. What's black and brown and looks good on an lawyer?A. A doberman.Q. How many first year lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A. None - it's a second year project.Q. Did you hear that lawyers have found a new use for sheep?A. Wool.Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1874,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.\"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'\" said the lawyer.Farmer Joe responded, \"Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ...\"\"I didn't ask for any details,\" the lawyer interrupted, \"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'\"Farmer Joe said, \"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road ...\"The lawyer interrupted again and said, \"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.\"By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, \"I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.\"Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded. \"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her then he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.\"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said,'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 1875,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!(silence)Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1876,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "During the height of the cold war, the Americans and the Russians realized that if they continued their arms race, they were going to blow up the whole planet.They arranged a top secret summit, where it was decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They agreed to give each other5 years to breed the two most powerful fighting dogs ever.The winning dog's country would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to submit and lay down its arms.The Russians searched their vast country to find the meanest, most vicious Doberman and Rottweiler breeds and crossed them with the biggest, most dangerous Siberian wolves.They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter and fed it a diet of steroids and trained them to be lethal attack dogs. After five years of fierce breeding, Russiahad managed to create the biggest, most vicious dog the world had ever seen.Finally Russia and America met in Switzerland to let their dogs fight for world domination. Although its cage had 4-inch-thick reinforced steel-bars, everyone was afraid to even go near the Russian monster-dog. When the Russians saw the American dog, they burst into laughter. America had sent a weird looking 9-foot-long Dachshund! The Russian breeders felt a little sorry for the Dachshund, because they knew it didn't have the slightest chance to last even 10 seconds against Russia's killer.When the bell announced the beginning of the fight, the Russian dog leaped out of its cage, snarled, and charged the American Dachshund.The Dachshund slowly waddled out of its cage towards the Russian dog. But just when the Russian champion looked like it was going to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and swallowed the Russian dog with one bite. The Russian monster was gone!The Russian politicians, shaking their heads in disbelief, walked over to the cheering Americans and said: \"We don\u0091t understand how this could have happened. We had our best breeders working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler breeds in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves!\"\"That's nothing,\" an American replied. \"We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 1877,
"rating": 4.11
},
{
"body": "A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers.The next day, two groups of workers show up. A crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.The company cannot decide whom to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says, \"Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job.\"Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns.\"YAY!!\" they shout. \"We came back first, we get the job!!\"\"Good work, men,\" says the boss, \"However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down.\"\"Fine, no problem,\" say the men.An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrives. The entire group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.\"What happened to you? What took so long?\" asks the boss incredulously.\"What do you mean, 'what took so long? Do we get the job?\"\"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!\"\"Well, of course they were,\" say the blondes. \"They only put the pole in halfway!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1878,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "When I was still a newlywed, I was invited out for a night with \"the boys\".Being naive about these things at the time, I promised my wife that I would be home by midnight!Well, you know how these things go; the yarns were being spun and the drinks were going down easy, and at nearly 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I went home.Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock we had gotten as a wedding present started up and cuckooed three times. Suddenly, I realized she'd probably heard me come in the door, so I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of my fast thinking and having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a possible showdown.The next morning my bride asked me what time I got in. I told her, \"midnight.\" Whew! Got away with that one!She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.When I asked her why, she said, \"Well, last night at midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Oh, No!', cuckooed another five times, hiccoughed, cuckooed another four times, and then laughed hysterically!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1879,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "A man is a person who, if a woman says, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" lets her. A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her, gets mad. A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her and she gets mad, says, \"Now what are you mad about?\" A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, \"Now what are you mad about?\" says, \"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.\" A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, \"Now what are you mad about?\", and she says, \"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you\", whines \"How can I know what the problem is if you don't tell me?\" A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, \"Now what are you mad about?\" and she says, \"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you\", and he whines \"How can I know what the problem is if you don't tell me?\", says \"OK, let's talk about it\". A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, \"Never mind, I'll do it myself,\" and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, \"Now what are you mad about?\", and she says, \"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you\", and he whines \"How can I know what the problem is if you don't tell me?\" and she says \"OK, let's talk about it\", turns on the television and watches cartoons.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1880,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "When the Son of God was nailed to the cross and died, he went straight down to hell from the cross and set free all the sinners who were there in torment.And the devil wept and mourned, for he thought he would get no more sinners for hell.Then God said to him, \"Do not weep, for I shall send you all those who are self-righteous in their condemnation of sinners and hell shall be filled up once more until I return.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1881,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Quasimodo goes to his Parisian Cathedral doctor for his annual checkup.\"I think something is wrong with your back,\" the doctor says.\"Why do you say that?\" asks Quasimodo.\"I don't know,\" the doctor replies. \"It's just a hunch.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1882,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A out-of-towner in New York decided to re-visit a fine uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he began, \"Hey, you know, it's been over five years since I first came in here. . .\"\"You'll have to wait your turn, sir,\" replied the harried waiter. \"I can only serve one table at a time.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1883,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, \"This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'\" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; \"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress\". The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! \"You bloody fool!\" he cried, \"You have ruined me!\" The actor was bewildered, \"What happened, did I forget my line?\" He asked.\"No!\" the director screamed, \"You Idiot! you forgot the damn rose!\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 1884,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Father O\u0092Grady is standing at the door after Sunday Mass, when Mary Clancy comes up to him, tears rolling down her face.\"Oh Father,\" she cries, \"I have terrible news!\"\"What is it my child?\" She says,\"My husband died last night.\"\"Oh Mary,\" says the priest, \"That\u0092s terrible news. But tell me- did he have any last requests?\"\"Yes he did, Father.\"\"And what exactly did he ask, Mary?\"\"He said \u0091Please, Mary. Put the gun down.\u0092\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1885,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Remembering the Quips of Groucho Marx...Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?Room service? Send up a larger room.Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you... He really is an idiot.I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 1886,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. \"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten.\" he pleaded.The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: \"You know the person that did this really needs help.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1887,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, people-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby.\"You know, \" says Sadie, \"I've been reading this sex and Marriage book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm; mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about.Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you ever have mutual orgasm?\"\"No,\" says Esther, \"I think we had Allstate.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 1888,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "When President Jaques Chirac retired from public life, the Australian ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour. At the dinner table Carla Zampatti was talking with Madame Chirac.\n \"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?\"\n \n\"A penis,\" replied Madame Chirac. A shocked hush fell over the table.Everyone heard her answer ... and no one knew what to say next! \nJaques Chirac leaned over to his wife and helped. \"Ma cherie,\" he said. \"I believe ze Australians pronounce zat word, 'Happiness!\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1889,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies.One was Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other was Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far from the convent.SL: Do you notice a man's been following us?SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.SL: It's logical.He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no!At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes.What should we do?SL: The only logical thing is to walk faster.SM: It's not working.SL: Of course not.The man did the obvious thing and started walking faster, too.SM: What should we do?At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical is to split.You go that way and I'll go this way.He can't follow both of us. So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and became worried that Sister Logical hadn't arrived.Finally, Sister Logical arrives.SM: Sister Logical!Thank God you are here!Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened.The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.SM: So, what happened?Please tell me.SL: The only logical thing to happen.I started to run as fast as I could.SM: Then what happened?SL: The only logical thing to happen.The man also started to run as fast as he could.SM: And what else?SL: The only logical thing to happen.He reached me.SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?SL: The only logical thing to do.I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister.What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do.He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no!What happened then?SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?A nun with her dress up can run faster than aman with his pants down.(And you thought this might be a dirty story! Shame on you.Say two Hail Mary's.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1890,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, \"Water...\" A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, \"I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?\" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear. \"You fool,\" gasped the man. \"I'm dying! I need water!\" \"Well, sir,\" replied the Bedouin, \"If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some.\" Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed. Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, \"May I help you sir?\" \"Water...\" was the feeble reply. \"Oh, sir,\" replied the Bedouin, \"I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1891,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Al and Tipper Gore were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.\"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.\" Al got up from his coffee and said, \"Well, okay.\"Two days later, they were again sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast said, \"There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.\"Al got up from his coffee and said, \"Well, okay.\"Three days later, they were drinking their coffee and the weather forecast said, \"There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.You must park your cars on the...\" and then the power went out and Al didn't get the rest of the instructions.He said to Tipper, \"What am I going to do now, Tipper?\"Tipper replied, \"Oh, Al, just leave the car in the garage.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1892,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Flight Training JournalWeek 1Monday: RainTuesday: RainWednesday: No rain; no visibility either.Thursday: Take instructor to lunch. Discover I don't know enough to take instructor to lunch.Friday: Fly! Do first stall - and second stall during same maneuver. Cover instructor with lunch. Week 2Monday: Learned not to scrape frost off plexiglass with ice-scraper. Used big scratch as marker to set pitch.Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle \"THAT BIG KNOB THING.\" Also hates when I call instruments \"GADGETS\"Wednesday: Radios won't pick up radio stations, so I turned them off. Instructor seems to think I missed something.Thursday: Learned 10 degree bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today. Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said that was some kind of record -- my first compliment.Friday: Did steep turn. Instructor said I was not ready for inverted flight yet.Week 3Monday: Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling her \"BABE\". Did steep turns. She said I had to have permission for inverted flight.Tuesday: Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him \"BABE\", too. He got mad when I pulled power back on takeoff because the engine was to loud.Wednesday: Instructor said after the first 20 hours, most students have established a learning curve. He said there is a slight bend in mine. Aha--progress!Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did good job. Also did turns around a point. Instructor warned me never to pick ex-fianc\u00e9's house as point again.Friday: Did pattern work. Instructor said that if downwind, base and final formed a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise!Week 4Monday: First landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the captain in the 747 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor says we'll have ground school all this week on radio procedures.Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned gray at such an early age. He smiled. We did takeoff stalls. He says I did just fine but to wait until we reached altitude next time. Three Niner Juliet will be out of the shop in three days when the new strut and tire arrive. Instructor says his back bothers him only a little.Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot lower. I'm sure my instructor is going gray.Thursday: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor asked why. I told him I wanted the extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school.Friday: Asked instructor when I could solo. I have never seen anyone actually laugh until they cried before.",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 1893,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Man goes to see the Rabbi.\"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.\"The Rabbi asked, \"What's wrong?\"The man replied, \"My wife is poisoning me.\"The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, \"How can that be?\"The man then pleads, \"I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?\"The Rabbi then offers, \"Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.\"A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, \"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?\"The man anxiously says, \"Yes.\"\"Take the poison,\" says the Rabbi.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1894,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.\"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total,\" says the genie.The Canadian says, \"I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.\" With a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, \"I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Christians or Jews, can come into our precious state.\" Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.The Israeli asks, \"I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.\"The Genie explains, \"Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out.\"The Israeli says, \"Fill it up with water.\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 1895,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper finds two finches have dropped dead from old age.In the monkey cage he discovers two of the oldest chimps have also kicked the bucket.Waste not want not so he puts them in a sack with the finches and later tips them in the lion's cage at feeding time.\"Bloody hell,\" roars the lion. \"Not finch and chimps again.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1896,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Bill Clinton is in an elementary class and is trying to teach the students what a tragedy is. He asks if anyone knows. One kid stands up and says, \"I know. If I was in the street and got hit by a car, that would be a tragedy.\" Clinton says, \"No son, that would be an accident.\" Another kid stands up and says,\" I know. If we all were on a field trip and the bus went flying over a cliff, that would be a tragedy.\" Again, Clinton says, \"No son, that would be a great loss.\" The children are silent and then one kid stands and says, \"If you and Mrs. Clinton were on Air Force One and it just all of a sudden blew up and you both died, that would be a tragedy.\" Clinton thinks and then asks, \"Now why would you think that is a tragedy?\" The kid replies, \"Well, because it definately wouldn't be an ACCIDENT and it sure as hell wouldn't be a GREAT LOSS!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1897,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.The guy from Corona sits down and says \"Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.\" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.The guy from Budweiser says \"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.\" The bartender gives him one.The guy from Coors says \"I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.\" He gets it.The guy from Guiness sits down and says \"Give me a Coke.\" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask \"Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?\" and the Guiness resident replies \"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1898,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.The Pope says, \"What can I do?\"The Colonel says. \"I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican.\"The Pope replies, \"I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words.\"So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. \"Listen, Your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'\"And the Pope responds, \"It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words.\"So the Colonel gives up again.After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. \"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken,' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.The Pope replies, \"Let me get back to you.\"So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, \"I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.\"The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The pope replies, \"The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1899,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying \"I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?\" The plumber replied, \"That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1900,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.The woman said, \"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago.\"The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.Back in the car, the guy says, \"Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!\"The woman says, \"Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1901,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.\"Now, class, closely observe the worms,\" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.\"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?\" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, \"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1902,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of information:Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting waving his hands in the air:Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?!?!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1903,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, \"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree.\" With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment,\"Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1904,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary were at a baseball game when the man sitting behind Bill whispers something into Bills ear, Bill Clinton stands up and throws Hilary on the baseball field. The man that was sittingbehind Bill said, \"No, NO, I said throw the first pitch!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1905,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A kid is asking questions about many professionals, when they urgently need to go to the rest rooms:",
"category": "Music",
"id": 1906,
"rating": 1.14
},
{
"body": "An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, \"Oh God, I'm screwed.\"The sky darkens and a voice booms out, \"No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.\"So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives...The voice booms out again, \"Okay... NOW you're screwed.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1907,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.He was furious and said, \"Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!\"\"Yes Sir, Mr. President,\" the interior decorator replied,\"I'll take those mirrors out right away!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1908,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: Why are the Spice Girls on the pill?A: So they can figure out what day it is.Q: What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a Spice Girl's head?A: space invader.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with half a brain?A: Gifted.Q: What do you see if you look into a Spice Girl's eyes?A: The back of her head.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1909,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong.He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower.\"Help! Help!\"The tower came back and asked what was wrong.The blind guy says, \"Help Me!!I'm blind, the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!!\"The tower comes back and asks, \"How do you know you're upside down?\" The blind guy replies, \"Because my pee is running *up* my back!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1910,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others' friendship. One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, \"Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't.\" The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, \"How soon do you have to know?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1911,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.The lawyer said, \"I'm here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip.\"\"That's quite a coincidence,\" said the engineer. \"I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.\"The lawyer looked confused... \"How do you start a flood?\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1912,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "These are actual comments left on Forest Service comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1913,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: As many as you cam afford.Q: How many Lawyers does it take to oil a Hummer?A: 1, If you put him through real slow.Q: What do you call 1000 peg-legged lawyers?A: A waste of good wood!Did you hear the US Supreme Court building was taken over by foreign terroists?They are holding 30 lawyers hostage and they say if their demands are not met, they will start releasing one an hour!!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1914,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "I had a terrible fight with my wife.I said, \"You know, you're going to drive me to my grave.\" In two minutes she had the car in front of the house.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1915,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two hunters were hunting deer when one accidently shot his friend. At the hospital the shooter asked the doctor if his friend would be ok. \"Well, he WOULD have been if you hadn't gutted him.\"Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush. \"Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo store salesman.\" \"OK,\" says Ivan. After a while, Ivan says, \"I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car.\"A hunter just tagged his deer as the game warden walked up. \"Where's your license,\" asked the warden. \"Don't know,\" said the hunter. \"OK, you're under arrest for no license. Follow me to the road, and help me drag the deer,\" said the warden. \"No way,\" said the hunter. \"You drag it.\" Two hours later, after the warden had dragged the deer to the road, the hunter remembered which pocket held the license.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1916,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Signs That You've Been Out Of College Too Long",
"category": "Science",
"id": 1917,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a grenade and put them together?A: A typical upgrade.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1918,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "For many years a certain white whale and a tiny herring had been inseparable friends. Wherever the white whale roamed in search of food, the herring was sure to be swimming right along beside him.One fine spring day the herring turned up off the coast of Norway without his companion. Naturally all the other fish were curious, and an octopus finally asked the herring what happened to his whale friend.\"How should I know?\" the herring replied. \"Am I my blubber's kipper?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1919,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, \"I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?\" St. Peter replied, \"Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1920,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Mike Tyson's Top 10 excuses after the infamous ear-biting incident.10. Got a little carried away after seeing \"Face/Off\".9. Really wanted to win first prize on \"America's Funniest Home Videos\".8. Like this doesn't happen every year in the Masters.7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith.5. I guess you've never heard of a little thing called \"strategy\".4. Ears are tasty.3. \"It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me\".2. \"Disqualified\" sounds better than \"got his butt kicked all over the ring\".1. He ran out of gum.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1921,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: Hey, did you hear that OJ is starting a limo service?A: Yeah, he guarantees that he'll get you there with plenty of time to kill.Q: Did you hear about Delta Burke's tragic suicide attempt?A: She tried to harpoon herself.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1922,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered: \"I never forget a friend. That was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1923,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. \"Hmmm.,\" he thought, \"I'll get to the bottom of this in no time.\"He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.\"Yep, it's working,\" he concluded.The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, \"The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1924,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "One day, while being driven around the capitol, Hillary notices a young girl with a wagon full of kittens. On the lookout for a PR event, she stops to talk to the girl. As Hillary admires the kittens, the girl proudly boasts \"All my kittens are Democrats!\" Hillary thinks this is just the thing to show those nasty Republicans that even little children know the best party. She makes plans with the little girl to meet in a couple days with Bill and the press corps. When they meet, Bill kneels down in front of the girl and picks up a kitten. \"Hillary says you have something special to tell me about your kittens\" he says. \"Yes, sir. All my kittens are Republicans!\" Hillary splutters \"You told me they were all Democrats!\". The girl responds, \"Yes ma'am, but that was before they opened their eyes.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1925,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment...NAME:Greg BulmashDESIRED POSITION:Reclining.Ha ha.But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.DESIRED SALARY:$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.EDUCATION:Yes.LAST POSITION HELD:Target for middle-management hostility.SALARY:Less than I'm worth.MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.REASON FOR LEAVING:It sucked.HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:Any.PREFERRED HOURS:1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:If I had one, would I be here?DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:Of what?DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:I think the more appropriate question here would be \"Do you have a car that runs?\"HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.DO YOU SMOKE?:Only when set on fire.WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.SIGN HERE:Scorpio with Libra rising.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1926,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest. First mother says, \"My son is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, Monsignor.'\"Second mother says, \"Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'\"Third mother says, \"Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'\"The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, \"My son is six feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people greet him 'Oh, My God!'\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1927,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "We are all aware that Al Gore is the saviour of the environment and the inventor of the Internet. What is not so widely known are his contributions to mathematics.While the Vice president has not mentioned these publicly, it should be noted that he is responsible for a course that almost every student takes in school- Al G. Bra.His name is also associated with that pattern of operations, the AlGore-rithm and the Pytha-Gore-ean theorem. Now if he could just keep people awake during his speeches.....",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1928,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder proceed to nail it into the wood.The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, \"Why are you throwing some of the nails away?\"The first blonde explained, \"When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!\"The second blonde explained, \"Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1929,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The sargeant was going over the schedule at the Army base. \"I'm sorry to\nreport,\" he said, \"that due to funding cuts, our exercises on the rifle\nrange are going to be canceled for the fifth week in a row - maybe for\nthe rest of the year.\" He flipped through his papers. \"Don't worry\nthough, the semi-annual physical fitness test is still on as planned.\"\n\nFrom the back of the platoon a voice piped up, \"Does it bother anyone\nelse that HQ doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they're\nextremely interested in how fast we can run?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1930,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him.They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary.So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delagation, this time led by the local priest.But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre.The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain.The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain.The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre.The ogre laughed and replied:\"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1931,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Celebrity why did the chicken:1. Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?2. Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.49999999993. Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.4. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference5. O.J. Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time6. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.7. Colonel Sanders: I missed one?8. Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.9. Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, \"What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?\"10. Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1932,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: Why is an elephant gray, large and wrinkled? A: Because if it were small, round, and white, it would be an aspirin. Q:What did the cat who had no money say?A:I'm paw.Q: What do you get if you cross an alley cat with a Chinese cat?A: A Peking Tom.Q: What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?A: She had mittens.",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 1933,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "When the Son of God was nailed to the cross and died, he went straight down to hell from the cross and set free all the sinners who were there in torment.And the devil wept and mourned, for he thought he would get no more sinners for hell.Then God said to him, \"Do not weep, for I shall send you all those who are self-righteous in their condemnation of sinners and hell shall be filled up once more until I return.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1934,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Here are a few new perspectives through which to look at life!1. Follow your dream!Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.2. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.Do not walk ahead of me, for Imay not follow.Do not walk beside me, either.Just leave me alone.3. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone.Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.4. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.5. It's always darkest before the dawn.So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.6. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.7. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the Whatever group.8. Into every life some rain must fall.Usually when your car windows are down.9. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. (try to avoid doing this to guys over 6'5\", because they can turn your body into an accordion Jershie :)10. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting your mother-in-law stay over.11. It's a small world.So you have to use your elbows a lot.12. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.13. Love is like a roller coaster. When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.14. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 1935,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!(silence)Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1936,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Three Texans, Slim, Billy-Bob and Bubba died and went to heaven.At the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter, who explained that although it was late and God had retired for the evening, he had asked Albert Einstein to show them around so they wouldn't get bored before they met God in the morning. After Einstein had introduced himself to Slim, he asked:\"By the way, Slim, what was your IQ when you were alive?\"\"159\", said Slim.\"Great!\", said Einstein. We'll discuss my general theory of relativity and maybe a little unified field theory as I show you around.\"\"What an exciting opportunity!\", said Slim.Einstein then introduced himself to Billy-Bob, and when he was done he said:\"Tell me, Billy-Bob - what was your IQ when you were alive?\"\"141\", said Billy-Bob.\"Good,\" said Einstein. \"If you'd like, we can discuss a little mathematics and philosophy as I point out the heavenly sights.\"\"Nothing I'd like better!\" was Billy-Bob's reply.After Einstein had introduced himself to Bubba, he asked:\"What was your IQ when you were alive, Bubba?\"\"58\" said Bubba.Punching him on the arm, Einstein said:\"Hey, Bubba - How 'bout them Cowboys!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1937,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1938,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A century ago, a young student at the great Oxford University in England was taking an important examination in religious studies.The examination question for this day was to write about the religious and spiritual meaning in the miracle of Christ turning water into wine.For two hours he sat in the crowded classroom while other students filled their pages with long essays, to show their understanding.The exam time was almost over and this one student had not written a single word.The proctor came over to him and insisted that he commit something to the paper before turning it in.The young Lord Byron simply picked up his hand and penned the following line:\"The water met its Master, and blushed.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1939,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "Sayings According To First GradersA first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:Better to be safe than .... punch a 5th graderStrike while the ... bug is close.It's always darkest before ... daylight savings timeNever underestimate the power of ... termites.You can lead a horse to water but ... how?Don't bite the hand that ... looks dirty.No news is ... impossible.A miss is as good as a ... Mrs.You can't teach an old dog ... math.If you lie down with dogs, you ... will stink in the morning.Love all, trust ... me.The pen is mightier than ... the pigs.An idle mind is ... the best way to relax.Where there is smoke, there's ... pollution.Happy is the bride who ... gets all the presents.A penny saved is ... not much.Two is company, three's ... The Musketeers.None are so blind as ... Helen Keller.Children should be seen and not ... spanked or grounded.If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries.You get out of something what you ... see pictured on the box.When the blind lead the blind ... get out of the way.There is no fool like ... Aunt Edie.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and ... you have to blow your nose.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1940,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "During the \"rush hour\" at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. They were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for them.After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, \"We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.\"A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. \"Sorry,\" he said, \"wrong plane.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1941,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.\"Bob is that you?\" Earl asked.\"Of course it me,\" Bob replied.\"This is unbelievable!\" Earl exclaimed. \"So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?\"\"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?\"\"Tell me the good news first.\"\"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.\"\"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?\"\"You're pitching tomorrow night.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1942,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support:Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I create a New Document window?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?A: Don't shake it.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1943,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "IDEALISM:Happy Birthday.CAPITALISM:I shopped all day for your birthday.COMMUNISM:We only celebrate Lenin's birthday.CORPORATE AMERICA:Happy birthday. You're fired.AGNOSTICISM:I'm not sure if it's your birthday or not.ATHEISM:I can't believe it's your birthday.HINDUISM:Holy Cow!Is it your birthday?HINDUISM:Ever get that feeling you've been born before?TAOISM:It's everybody's birthday.BUDDHISM:If your birthday party was held in the forest and nobody came... would it make a sound?CATHOLICISM: Sorry, we need candles for votive purposes.CATHOLICISM:If your parents used birth control, you wouldn't even _have_ a birthday, so there!CATHOLICISM:It's your birthday but you don't deserve a cake or even this greeting card.EPISCOPALIANISM: Tasteful birthday to you! Care for some Dry Sack?LUTHERANISM:I take it on faith it's your birthday. So I don't need to send cards and gifts, right?EXISTENTIALISM:Your birthday means nothing to me.FUNDAMENTALISM: But when is your _spiritual_ birthday?SARCASM:You don't look half bad for someone twice your age.JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES:Knock! Knock!Happy Birthday!MORMONS:Which birthday are we talking about? the spirit world or the current one?QUAKERS:I am moved to wish you a peaceful birthday.UNITARIAN-UNIVERSALISTS:Have any kind of birthday you want.WICCANS:Have the Earth Mother of all birthdays!SATANIC CHURCH OF AMERICA:It's not my birthday, so screw off!GNOSTICS:It's your birthday, but don't tell anyone -- It's a secret!KABBALISTS:Another step on the tree of life? Geez, how many branches up are you?MASONS:I'll wish you a happy birthday, but first -- show me the sign.LEWIS CARROLL:A very happy unbirthday to you!(and you and you and you).",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1944,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "My Uncle Jim did not appear to be much for words. Nor, was he ever seen to have friends or pets.We thought he was the primordial loner, until one time we caught him with his ant farm. He loved the creatures. He knew more about ants than I knew about the streets in our little town, and he loved to talk about them. Indeed, it was a deep and private affair, and we admired him for it.One day tragedy hit in the form of a very high wind. It blew the top off the ant farm and his creatures were gone.Practically in tears, he called me on the phone.When I asked what was wrong, he replied, ... \"The ants are my friends. They're blowing in the wind. The ants are blowing inthe wind.!\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 1945,
"rating": 1.33
},
{
"body": "A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.\"Now, class, closely observe the worms,\" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.\"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?\" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, \"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1946,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, \"I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?\"The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. \"After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?\" he thought.Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.The guy turns to his friend and says \"That's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you a check.\"After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, \"By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?\"The other guy replies, \"Same as his driving.\"\"That good, huh?\"\"No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1947,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you get when you cross a fly with an elephant?A: A zipper that never forgets.Q: Where does virgin wool come from?A: Ugly sheep.Q: How do you tell when a moth farts?A: It flies in a straight line.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1948,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The professors of mathematics and physics were staring away at the flag pole in front of the front of the college building.The professor of English walking by asked, \"What seems to be the problem?\"\"We,\" said the professor of mathematics, \"were wondering how to measure the height of this flag pole.\"The professor of English quickly unscrewed the pole from its moorings, laid it on the ground, whipped out a measuring tape, measured it, and said, \"It is exactly 20 feet long,\" and walked away smoking his pipe.Looking at the English professor's receding back, the professor of physics remarked, \"Smart Ass. We wanted to know the height, and he tells us the length!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1949,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.Both Presidents were shot in the head.Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.Both were assassinated by Southerners.Both were succeeded by Southerners.Both successors were named Johnson.Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.Both assassins were known by their three names.Both names are composed of fifteen letters.Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy.'Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.And here's the kicker...A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 1950,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A little girl came to a pregnent lady, and while pointing to her stomach asked : \"What's that?\"The lady proudly replied: \"That's my little baby and I love him very much!\"The little girl then said: \"If you love him that much, then why the hell did you eat him?\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1951,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much his wife loved him.She was so thrilled to have him around, that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, \"My husband's home! My husband's home!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1952,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.\"I'll say he is Daddy.\" responded the girl.\"Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1953,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box with holes punched in the top.\"What's in that box?\" Mrs. Riddle asked.\"A cat,\" Mrs. Biddle answered.\"What for?\"\"I've been dreaming about mice at night, and I'm scared of mice. The cat is to catch them.\"\"But the mice you dream about are imaginary,\" said Mrs. Riddle.Mrs. Biddle turned to her friend and whispered, \"So is the cat.\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 1954,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, \"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.\"The Irishman replies, \"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self.\"The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.One day, he comes in and orders two pints.All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, \"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.\"The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.\"Oh, no. Everyone's fine,\" He explains, \"It's just that I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1955,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Farmer John was taking his cow and it's new born calf to sell in the auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree. Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however left the new born calf behind.Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized John and untied him. When they did, farmer John picked up a huge stick and started bashing the calf with it.\"Why are you thrashing the poor calf?, his neighbors asked? To which farmer John replied, \"I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly that I am not your mother!, I am not your mother .......!!!\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 1956,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "One day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife. She told that she has good news and that she had bad news. He said \"Well, give me the good news first.\" She said \"The good news is that the air bag works.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1957,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man comes home after a heavy night's drinking. His wife won't open the door for him, so he starts hammering on it. She still won't let him in, so he starts shouting. The neighbors are starting to notice, so in an attempt to embarrass her, he starts singing at the top of his voice: \"I had her before she was married, I had her before she was married!\" The top window immediately flies open, and his wife responds \"And so did half the damn football team!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1958,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, \"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?\"The Lord sighed, and said, \"No, I guess not.\"Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, \"Why did you let him do that?\"The Lord smiled and replied, \"Who's he going to tell?\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1959,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.Finally his exasperated partner says, \"What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!\"The guy answers, \"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.\"\"Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1960,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, \"Do you serve lawyers here?\".\"Sure do,\" replied the bartender.\"Good,\" said the man. \"Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1961,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "During the Cold War many years ago, a young man would ride his bicycle every day from Italy up to the check-point at the Yugoslav border where he would be questioned by the uniformed border-guard.\"Where are you going today, Capitalist Scumbag?\" asked the guard.\"To visit my mother, Sir.\"\"Step inside. You will be searched\" ordered the guard.The young man was thoroughly searched and released, but the guard remained suspicious.This routine was repeated every day for several years but the border guard, still convinced that the man was a smuggler, could find nothing.Eventually, with the end of the Cold War, the border was opened and the young man would occasionally stop in a tavern on the Yugoslav side.One afternoon, as he sat at the bar, the old border-guard came over and sat down beside him.\"The War is over now\", said the guard \"and I am retired, but I still have nightmares about you. You really were a smuggler, weren't you.\"\"Yes, of course\" replied the young man.\"But what were you smuggling?\"The young man swallowed a mouthful of beer and smiled. \"Bicycles\" he replied.",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1962,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Why are you late?Webster: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Webster: The one that says, \"School Ahead, Go Slow.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1963,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Two golfers were discussing a bill that Harry, the hospital administrator, had sent to Bill, a recent father.\"Harry, this is too much for the use of the delivery room. You know I didn't get my wife there in time and the baby was born on the hospital's front lawn.\"Harry took the bill, crossed out the offending entry and substituted another. \"Greens Fee,\" it read.",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1964,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!\" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, \"Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1965,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Jeff had been standing in hs dark and dank cellar for wellover and hour with his hands gripping a leaky pipe.The water spurtedbetween his fingers.His shoes were getting wetter and wetter.Suddenly he heard his wife's voice calling down the cellar door.\"Honey, you can take your hands off that leak now!\"\"Why,\" yelled Jeff, \"did the plumber finally get here?\"\"No,\" responded his loving wife, \"the house is on fire.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1966,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe asked the man: \"Who died?\"\"My Mother in law.\"\"How?\" Joe asked.\"The dog bit her.\"\"Can I borrow the dog?\"\"Get in line.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 1967,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying \"I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?\" The plumber replied, \"That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1968,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What has four legs and an arm? A: A happy pitbull. Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?A: Lipstick!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1969,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth.The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!\"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever,\" he thought.So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he snuck inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.\"Did you hear that Fluffy died?\" the neighbor asked.\"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?\" Chris mumbled.The neighbor replied: \"We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 1970,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.\"$10 for 3 minutes,\" replied the pilot.\"That's too much,\" said the farmer.The pilot thought for a second and then said, \"I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10.\"The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, \"I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.\"\"Maybe so,\" said the farmer, \"But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 1971,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A Swede, a Norwegian and a Dane are caught in a snowstorm on the side of a mountain. They stumble across a cave and decide to take shelter.On entering they are greeted by an awful stench which, on inspection, turns out to come from a half-dead goat which has taken refuge in the cave.The three of them debate what to do and the Norwegian agrees to go in first. Five minutes later he staggers out sick with nausea and collapses.Then the Dane goes in and, ten minutes later crawls out and expires.Finally the Swede goes in and, fifteen minutes later.. the goat comes out.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1972,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.\"It ain't so bad,\" one crook noted. \"We got out with $25 between us.\"\"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!\" the boss screamed. \"We had over $100 when we broke in!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1973,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says \"Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish.\"The hardware engineer went first. \"I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.\" The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.The software engineer went next. \"I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.\" The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. \"And what would your wish be?\" asked the genie. \"I want them both back after lunch\" replied the project manager.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1974,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "The secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, \"Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you, you could come and go as you please around here?\"Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, \"My lawyer.\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 1975,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "One day Tarzan comes home to the treehouse and says \"Jane.. give me a double Matini\". Jane says \"What is wrong with you -- you don't drink alcohol!\" Tarzan says \"It's a jungle out there!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1976,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A guy came home to his wife and said to her:\"Guess what?I've found a great job. A 10am start, 2pm finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week in the hand to boot!\"\"That's great,\" his wife said.\"Yeah, it's unreal,\" he agreed.\"You start Monday.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1977,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Up in heaven there is a white picket fence.On one side stood GOD on the other side stood Satan and a few of his henchmen.The devilshelpers were kicking holes in the fence.GOD said \"if you don't tell them to stop, I'll sue you\".Satan started laughing and replied \"You think you'll find a lawyer on your side of the fence?\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1978,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. \"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,\" said the man. \"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.\"The son-in-law interrupted, \"I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.\"\"I see,\" replied the father-in-law. \"Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.\"\"I hate office work,\" said the son-on-law. \"I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.\"\"Wait a minute,\" said the father-in-law. \"I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?\"\"Easy,\" said the young man. \"Buy me out.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1979,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A mine owner is looking for new guys to do some necessary jobs, so he advertised and 3 guys turned up.One is a big muscular irish guy, the other is an italian guy and the last one is japanese.The owner tells the irish guy that he will be in charge of the mining because he is strong, the italian will be in charge of the money and the Japanese because he is good with numbers will be in charge of the supplies.In the next morning everybody is coming to work and someone is counting the people going into the mine... 200 people.Everything goes well and at the end of the day they do not wanna leave anybody in the mine so they count the people who go out... 199.They went back to look for the last one. They were looking for a few hours and then just before they were about to leave the japanese jumped from behind the rock shouting: \"SUPPLIES! SUPPLIES!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 1980,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "When Mother Theresa died she went to Heaven. For a week or two she was fully satisfied that she had to eat only fruits and vegetables, but then one day complained to St.Peter and asked for some cooked meal. - My Dear, - said St.Peter, - and who is going to cook every day for just the three of us?!This Preacher's son asks his father,\"Dad, can I have a car?\" The preacher replies,\", I will get you a car IF you get a haircut.\" Then his son says,\"Dad, Jesus had long hair.\" \"Yeah but he walked everywhere.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 1981,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. \"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce\", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, \"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.\" The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.\"Wait sir,\" the loan officer said, \"while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?The man smiled. \"Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1982,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the \"Fasten Seat Belts\" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.\"Well,\" explained the girl, \"up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees.What would you do?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1983,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by.Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.At this point, one of the other three said, \"You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen.\"And the guy answers, \"Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1984,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.\"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,\" he said.\"I know,\" the owner said. \"But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.\"The contractor said. \"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1985,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.\"A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.\"Wonderful!\" she replied, \"However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1986,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The following is a status report from a business unit to their Y2K coordinator.\"Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.We are proud to report that we have completed the \"Y-to-K\" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, Decemberand:Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, SaturdakI trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1987,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ear.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?A: Pregnant.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1988,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Waitress walks up to a man and says \"Hi, May I take your order please?\" The man replies, \"Yes, can I get the turtle soup please.\"The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants pea soup instead. He calls for the waitress and says, \"Hold the turtle, make it pea!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1989,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, \"I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.\"The professor said \"I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back.\"The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.The driver said, \"I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1990,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.\"I'll say he is Daddy.\" responded the girl.\"Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 1991,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The airliner from Polish Airways was preparing to land at O'Hare Field. The pilot radioed the control tower that he thought the runway was too short to land on. The tower radioed back that it was more than long enough. In a few minutes the pilot again radioed about the runway length, only to receive the same reply. On final approach, the pilot radioed again that he thought the runway was too short, only to receive an exasperated reply that the runway was long enough and to go ahead and land. Sure enough, the plane touched down and ran into the passenger terminal, resulting in major damage and great loss of life. After the plane came to a halt, the pilot turned to the co-pilot said, \"See, I told them the runway was too short\". To which the co-pilot replied, \"Yeah, but did you see how wide it is?\"",
"category": "Ethnic Jokes",
"id": 1992,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, \"Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.\"\"We don't have any.\" replied the first blonde. \"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses.\" said the Game Warden.\"But officer,\" replied the second blonde, \"we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river.\"The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. \"Well, I know of no law against it,\" said the Game Warden, \"take all the debris you want.\" And with that, the Game Warden left.As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. \"What a dumb Fish Cop,\" the second blonde said to the other two, \"doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1993,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says \"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are\". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, \"I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground\". So Harry yells down to the man \"Hey, could you tell us where we are?\". And the man on the ground yells back \"You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air\". George turns to Harry and says \"That man must be a lawyer\". AndHarry says \"How can you tell?\". George says \"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless\".That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: \"Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer\".",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1994,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: Why are the Spice Girls on the pill?A: So they can figure out what day it is.Q: What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a Spice Girl's head?A: space invader.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with half a brain?A: Gifted.Q: What do you see if you look into a Spice Girl's eyes?A: The back of her head.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1995,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson\nlooked out the window.\n\n\"Good lord!\" he screamed, \"one of the engines just blew up!\"\n\nOther passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly\nthe aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine\nexploded on the other side.\n\nThe passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses\ncouldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling\nconfidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone\nthat there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor\nmade most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the\npilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed\nseveral packages from under the seats and began handing them to the\nflight attendants.\n\nEach crew member attached the package to their backs.\n\n\"Say,\" spoke up an alert passenger, \"aren't those parachutes?\"\n\nThe pilot said they were.\n\nThe passenger went on, \"But I thought you said there was nothing to\nworry about?\"\n\n\"There isn't,\" replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. \"We're\ngoing to get help.\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 1996,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "During the \"rush hour\" at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. They were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for them.After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, \"We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.\"A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. \"Sorry,\" he said, \"wrong plane.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1997,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "3 young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was the best:The first boy said, \"my dad is so good he can shoot an arrow run after it, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hand.\"The second boy said, \"my dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hand.\"The third boy said, \"I've got you both beat, my dad so good because he works for the state of Florida. He gets off work at 5:00pm and is home by 4:30pm.\"",
"category": "State Jokes",
"id": 1998,
"rating": 1.75
},
{
"body": "Three construction workers were working on a sky scraper, discussing their lunch.The first construction worker said, \"Ham, ham, ham! All I ever get is a ham sandwich! I'm so sick of ham sandwiches. If I get another ham sandwich tommorrow, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself.\"The second construction worker said, \"Turkey, turkey, turkey!! All I ever get is a turkey sandwich! I'm so sick of them! If I get ONE MORE turkey sandwich, I'm gonna kill myself, too!\"The last construction worker said, \"Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter! All I ever get for lunch is a peanut butter sandwich. I'm getting so sick of them! If I get another peanut butter sandwich, I'm going to join you guys and jump off this sky scraper.\"The next day, the first construction worker got a ham sandwich. So he jumped off the building and killed himself.The second construction worker got another turkey sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself. And the third construction worker got a peanut butter sandwich, so he jumped off the building and killed himself, too.At the funeral, the wives were in mourning. The wife of the first construction worker said, \"If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another ham sandwich.\"The wife of the second construction worker said, \"If only he had told me! I wouldn't have made another turkey sandwich.\"The wife of the third construction worker said, \"I don't know why he jumped. He always made his own sandwiches!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 1999,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. \"Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.\"\"Fair to both!\" exploded Mrs. LaMay. \"I could have done that myself. What the hell do you think I hired a lawyer for?\"-*-After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, \"I wish they'd be more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2000,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked how she liked it.\"Oh, I really liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.\"\"What do you mean?\"\"Everone kept screaming, \"Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2001,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Top Ten Things To Do During Pet Appreciation Week:1. Lick your dog's face.2. Get your dog a bone and bury it for him.3. Mark your territory by peeing on the couch.4. Bring your cat a dead bird.5. Make a real effort to learn to purr.6. Spend a day with your head stuck in a bird cage.7. Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really awful.8. Sniff your neighbor's butt.9. Bite the mailman.10. Eat supper on the floor.",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2002,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A rather strange guy walked into a shoe store wanting to buy some new alligator shoes. The clerk quoted a price of $250.00.The guy replied, \"This is an outrage. There is no way I will pay that kind of money for a pair of shoes. I can shoot an alligator and get shoes for less than that.\"The clerk answered, \"Well, lady, I think you should do that.\"Later that day, the clerk was driving through the bayou and found the guy standing waist deep in the swamp with a rifle pointed at a huge, mean-looking alligator swimming toward her. She pointed the gun and shot it, then dragged it out of the water.The clerk was surprised to see a good 20 dead alligators lying on their backs. The blonde rolled the alligator over she had just shot and exclaimed, \"DARN! That one isn't wearing shoes either!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2003,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well-mannered professional torturer?A. The torturer would apologize first.Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?A. Someone on the other side could still walk.Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon have in common?A. They both tear hams into shreds.Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One!Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain & agony?A. Unemployed.Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2004,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "\"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,\" sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.\"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,\" replied the witness.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2005,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, \"You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.\"On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, \"Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?\"\"Yes\" the mother answered.\"And how is your son now?\" he asked.\"Who cares?\" she replied.",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2006,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: \"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.\"\"Now,\" he concluded, \"which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2007,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off thelight when he asked with a tremor in his voice, \"Mommy, willyou sleep with me tonight?\"The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. \"I can't,dear,\" she said. \"I have to sleep in Daddy's room.\"A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:\"The big sissy.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2008,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help.\"Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto\".Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prizeJoe again looked up and prayed...\"Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well\".Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck.Once again, he prayed...\"Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... \"Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself:\"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A TICKET!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2009,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Catholic MathLittle Tommy was ding very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.She calls him down to dinner and the her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great tredpidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it?Was it the nuns?Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.Well then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they wern't fooling around.",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2010,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?A: A pitbull.Did you hear about the new dog breed in pet shops? They crossed a pitbull with a collie. First it bites your leg off and then it goes for help.",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 2011,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, \"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.\"The gentleman replied, \"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2012,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine.She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.\"Is there anything he needs?\" the distraught woman asked, between tears.The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied, \"He says he'd love a package of cigarettes.\"\"I'll send a carton immediately,\" the woman said joyfully.\"But did he say where I should send them?\"\"No,\" replied the Seer somberly.\"But he didn't ask for matches.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2013,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.\"I think so, too,\" said Mabel. \"Let's go!\"They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.\"I guess we can go home now, Mabel,\" she said. \"This is where we came in.\"",
"category": "Music",
"id": 2014,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A minister dies and goes to heaven.Before him is a loudmouth man with a loud shirt, chain pants, and a loud hat. Saint Peter asked the guy what he did for a living. He said \"I was the taxi cab driver of moo yawk city. St. Peter hands him a silk robe, and a golden staff.The minister gets up to St. Peter. St. Peter asked the man what he did for a living. He stood up very straight, and spoke in a loud, clear voice \"I am John C. Maxwell, bishop of St. Mary's Church. St. Peter hands him a cotton robe, and a regular staff.\"Why\", asked the bishop. You let that taxi cab driver have a silk robe and golden staff but not me? St. Peter said \"up here we work by results.\"St. Peter said \"While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2015,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "You Know You're a Mother When ...1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.2. You have the time to shave only one leg at a time.3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.4. Your kid throws up and you catch it.5. Some one else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.6. You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.7. You've mastered the art of placing large quanitities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.8. Your child insists that you read \"Once Upon a Potty\" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.9. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons, your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.11. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.12. You hate the thought of his wife even more.13. You find yourself cutting your husbands' sandwiches into cute shapes.14. You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.15. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, \"NOT in your good clothes!\"16. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.17. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.18. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.19. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.20. You say at least once a day, \"I'm not cut out for this job\", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2016,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. \"Why are you eating grass?\", he asked one man.\"We don't have any money for food.\", the poor man replied.\"Oh, come along with me then.\"\"But sir, I have a wife with two children!\"\"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!\", he said to the other man.\"But sir, I have a wife with six children!\" The second man answered.\"Bring them as well!\" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.Once underway, one of the poor fellows says \"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.\"The rich man replied \"No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two meters tall!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2017,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "An English professor wrote the words, \"Woman without her man is nothing\" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: \"Woman, without her man, is nothing.\"The women wrote: \"Woman! Without her, man is nothing.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2018,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, \"How'd you do that?\"\"I could tell you, sir,\" the magician answered, \"but then I'd have to kill you.\"After a short pause, the man yelled back, \"Ok, then... just tell my wife!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2019,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, \"You're lying!\".The other politician responded, \"I know, but hear me out.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2020,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse. One said to his friend, \"I'm sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week. I understand that it was while you two were playing golf. I hear you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse. That must have been very hard for you considering he weighed over two hundred pounds.\"Oh, carrying him wasn't that hard,\" said his friend, sadly. \"The difficult part was putting him down... and then picking him up again after every stroke.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2021,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, \"medium.\"Then the waiter said, \"how about your vegetable?\"Hillary replied, \"Oh, he can order for himself.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2022,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, \"s\" will be used instead of the soft \"c\". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard \"c\" will be replaced with \"k.\" Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome \"ph\" will be replaced by \"f\". This will make words like \"fotograf\" 20 per sent shorter.In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent \"e\"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing \"th\" by \"z\" and \"W\" by \"V\". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary \"o\" kan be dropd from vords kontaining \"ou\", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2023,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A priest went to buy a parrot.\"Are you sure it doesn't swear?\" asked the priest.\"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,\" the storekeeper assured him. \"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left, he recites the 23rd Psalm.\"\"Wonderful!\" said the priest, \"but what happens if you pull both strings?\"\"I'll fall off my friggin' perch, you idiot!\" screeched the parrot.",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 2024,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, \"May I help you with anything?\" \"Yea! What is that?\" \"Why that's a thermos!\"\"What's it do?\"\"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!\"\"I'll take it\" The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. his co-workers ask him \"What's that!\"\"It's a thermos\"\"What's it do?\"\"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!\"\"So whatcha got in it?\"\"Two ice creams and a cup of coffee.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2025,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up.They decided to party instead.Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to twoseparate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.As each sat down, they read the first question.\"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.\"At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. \"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2026,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Ma and Pa had an awful time getting married.Ma wouldn't marry Pa when he was drunk and Pa wouldn't marry Ma when he was sober.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2027,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, \"Ask him where the money is.\"The interpreter signs, \"Where's the money?\"The deaf replies, \"I don't know what you're talking about.\" The interpreter tells the hood, \"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.\"The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. \"NOW ask him where the money is.\"The interpreter signs, \"Where is the money?\"The deaf man replies, \"The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate .\"The interpreter says to the hood, \"He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2028,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Bill Clinton falls into a lake and cannot swim and three boys rescue him. Bill tells them \"I'll give you anything you want for saving my life\".So Bill asks the first boy what he wants and the first boy says he wants a Ferrari. Bill says fine.Bill asks the second boy what he wants and the second boy says he wants a brand new computer. Bill says okay.Then Bill asks the third boy what he wants. The third boy says he wants a motorized wheelchair. Bill asks \"Why do want a wheelchair, you look very healthy?\" The third boy says \"I'll need a wheelchair when my father finds out we saved you from drowning\".",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2029,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, \"The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.\"\"Well, sir,\" the attendant replied with a grin, \"You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 2030,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his\nphony $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he\ngot into his new wheels and off he went.\n\nHe found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and\nhanded one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter.\n\n\"Can you change this for me, please?\" he asked.\n\nThe store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and\ntold the man, \"Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2031,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, \"Too bad that girls has no standard interface.\"\"They have,\" replied the other programmer, \"but there is no standard way to get to it.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2032,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, \"Rest in Peace\". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,the florist replied, \"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2033,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Bill & Hillary Clinton host a large bipartisan dinner party in their personal residence quarters at the White House, including a number of current and former members of Congress, former Presidents Carter, Ford and Bush, along with former Vice Presidents Mondale and Quayle.After the introductory speeches during dinner, Vice President Dan Quayle excused himself to use the bathroom, one adjacent to the First Family's. After a couple of minutes, he returns to his seat, looking rather smug, but says nothing to his wife at the time.After the dinner, as the Quayles returned home, Dan turned to Marilyn and said, \"Did you know Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom? How can he pretend to be serious about cutting the budget after buying that?\"Marilyn's initial look of shock turns to a a sly grin as she turns to her husband and says, \"We've really caught him with his pants down this time! As soon as we get home, why don't you call up the paper and give them a little 'insider' information, dear?\"\"That's an excellent idea, Marilyn!\" says Dan to his lovely wife. \"You know, sometimes you're just too smart,\" as he leans over to hug and give his wife a quick kiss on the cheek.The following morning, after the morning editions of the papers have been delivered to the White House residence, Hillary Clinton opens the newspaper over breakfast only to see a bold headline stating \"CLINTONS SPLURGE ON SOLID GOLD URINAL SAYS QUAYLE\" Shaking her head, Hillary smirks and shouts up to the bedroom, \"Bill! I think I know who peed in your Saxophone!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2034,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Top Ten Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Dog1. If it itches, you can reach it.And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2035,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- \"Think!\"The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- \"Thoap!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2036,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.Joe wrote, \"The office workers should all be given raises!\"When he looked at Frank's card, it said \"Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday?\"Joe said, \"Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. . . . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it.\"",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 2037,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Prime Minister Netanyahu and the Pope have a meeting to explore ways of finding an equitable settlement to the escalating problems in the Middle East.After days of getting nowhere, they decide in desperation to settle their differences by means of a golf match. The agreement is that if the Vatican's player wins, the Pope's views will prevail; if Israel's player wins, Netanyahu's methods will be employed.The Pope decides to recruit Arnold Palmer for the job, but his advisors object that Palmer isn't even a Catholic. \"Not to worry,\" says the Pope. \"We'll make him a Cardinal.\" Palmer is promptly ordained.The match is played, with the entire world aware that the fate of peace in the Middle East is riding on the outcome. Palmer loses.The Pope phones him after the match and gasps in disbelief, \"Arnold, what happened?? We were sure you couldn't possibly lose!\"Palmer replies, \"So was I, Father I'm devastated. I trained for weeks to prepare for this match. But who could know I'd be up against Rabbi Tiger Woods?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2038,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome.The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.\"What is that phone for?\" he asks the pontiff.\"It's my direct line to the Lord!\"The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord.The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.After hanging up the Rabbi says. \"Thank you very much. This is great!But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges.\" The Pope, of courserefuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.He checks the counter on the phone and says:\"All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira.\"The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official \"visit\".In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divineconsultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: \"1 Shekel 50!\"The Pope looks surprised: \"Why so cheap!\"The Rabbi smiles: \"Local call.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2039,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Three women were talking about their sons.One woman said that her son is a priest and every time he walks into a room people bow their head and say \"Father\".The second woman said that HER son was a cardinal and every time he walked into a room people bowed their head and said \"your Grace\".The third woman was silent. The other two women looked at her and said, \"what about your son?\"The woman replied, \"He's about six foot four, has blonde hair, and blue eyes. Every time he walks into a room people look up and say \"Oh my God!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2040,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The professors of mathematics and physics were staring away at the flag pole in front of the front of the college building.The professor of English walking by asked, \"What seems to be the problem?\"\"We,\" said the professor of mathematics, \"were wondering how to measure the height of this flag pole.\"The professor of English quickly unscrewed the pole from its moorings, laid it on the ground, whipped out a measuring tape, measured it, and said, \"It is exactly 20 feet long,\" and walked away smoking his pipe.Looking at the English professor's receding back, the professor of physics remarked, \"Smart Ass. We wanted to know the height, and he tells us the length!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2041,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother.On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, \"Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?\"\"Of course not, dear.\" replied the mother, \"Why would you think that?\"\"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2042,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Q: What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a grenade and put them together?A: A typical upgrade.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2043,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "DOS: Defective Operating System.WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realise Our Software Only Falls Teenagers.ISDN: It Still Does Nothing.MACINTOSH: Machine Always Crashes. If Not, The Operating System Hangs",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2044,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: \"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2045,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital.When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible.\"What are you doing?\" the visitor asked.The sick lawyer replied, \"Looking for loopholes.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2046,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Political pick-up lines10. \"I see the flat tax wouldn't apply to you.\"9. \"Inflation isn't the only thing going up around here.\"8. \"I'd like you to exercise my pocket veto.\"7. \"Could you give my voting lever a little pull?\"6. \"I said I wanted to keep the government out of the bedroom, but I didn't mean this senator.\"5. \"Hello, my name is Sen. Bob Packwood....\"4. \"...and have you met my friend Sen. Ted Kennedy?\"3. \"Would you like to import some fine foriegn salami?\"2. \"Do you wanna go stuff the ballot box?\"1. \"I've got an economic stimulus package right here in my pants...er, uh, pocket.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2047,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A mine owner is looking for new guys to do some necessary jobs, so he advertised and 3 guys turned up.One is a big muscular irish guy, the other is an italian guy and the last one is japanese.The owner tells the irish guy that he will be in charge of the mining because he is strong, the italian will be in charge of the money and the Japanese because he is good with numbers will be in charge of the supplies.In the next morning everybody is coming to work and someone is counting the people going into the mine... 200 people.Everything goes well and at the end of the day they do not wanna leave anybody in the mine so they count the people who go out... 199.They went back to look for the last one. They were looking for a few hours and then just before they were about to leave the japanese jumped from behind the rock shouting: \"SUPPLIES! SUPPLIES!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2048,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was \"yes.\" Asked how she used it she said, \"To assist my husband and I in conjugal matters.\"The interviewer was amazed. He said, \"I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for conjugal matters. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?\"\"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2049,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you do if a Spice Girl throws a grenade at you?A: Take the pin out and throw it back.Q: Why did the Spice Girls climb up to the roof of the bar?A: They heard that the drinks were on the house.Q: What's the difference between an intelligent Spice Girl and a UFO?A: Don't know, I haven't seen either.Q: What do you call the Spice Girls after they have been put in the toaster?A: Pop Tarts.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2050,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. \"Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.\"\"Fair to both!\" exploded Mrs. LaMay. \"I could have done that myself. What the hell do you think I hired a lawyer for?\"-*-After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, \"I wish they'd be more specific.What kind of kite?What lake?\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2051,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, \"And what starting salary were you looking for?\"The engineer cooly said, \"In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.\"The interviewer said, \"Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?\"The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, \"Wow! Are you kidding?\" .\"Yeah,\" the interviewer shrugged, \"But you started it.\"",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 2052,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A doctor at a major hair-loss institute in England now says the best way to avoid going bald: drink a lot of alcohol.They say drinking alcohol to excess increases hair growth.This could be true. When was the last time you saw a bald Kennedy?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2053,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "There was this man that had difficulty making descisions:1. His parents asked him whether he wanted to go to public or private school. He decided to go private school...and hated it.2. On to college: Harvard or Yale? Harvard or Yale? He became a Yalie...and hated it.3. He thought about getting married: Blonde or Rehead? etc. Finally decided on the redhead...it was terrible, and ended in divorce.4. He has to travel across country on business: Which airline? American or TWA? He chooses American. Somewhere over Nebraska, the engines fall off, the pilot announces that they are going down. The man who hates decisions begins to pray: \"Saint Francis...save me!\"A voice comes from heaven: \"Saint Francis of Assisi or St. Francis Xavier?\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2054,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, \"Good morning Anthony.\"\"Good morning father,\" replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.\"Father Murphy, what is this?\" Anthony asked.\"Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.\"Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque.Little Anthony's voice was barely audible when he asked, \"Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2055,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There was this guy who worked with a help desk for a big Broadcasting company. One day, this lady called in because she didn't know why her computer wouldn't come on.He then asked her, \"Did you plug it in?\" She says \"Yes.\" He then asked her, \"Did you turn in on?\" She said \"Yes. What do you think I am? Some kind of idiot?\"So, he goes and takes a look at her computer. She goes, \"See? I plugged the computer into the surge protector.\"The guy goes, \"Yea, but you plugged the surge protector into itself.\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 2056,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "One hot day, three preachers (one Caotholic, one Baptist, and one a Jewish Rabbi) were on a walk. They came to this clear stream, and the Caotholic Priest said, \"I really would like to go swimming.\" The Baptist minister and Jewish Rabbi agreed, so they stripped down and went skinny dipping.So, they're swimming, and the water felt nice to them. Then, they see three women walking along. The Catholic priest sees them and says, \"Oh no! Here comes a woman from my parish!\"The Baptist minister looks up and says, \"Oh no, I recognize one of them, too!\" The Rabbi looks up, and says, \"Oh no! One of them is in my parish, too! Let's get out of here before they recognixe us!The Catholic and Baptist preachers hop out, run to their clothes, put on their pants and run away. The Rabbi watches this, then jumps out, picks up his clothes and runs to join the other 2 preachers. The two preachers look at the Rabbi, and ask, \"Why did you do that?\" The Rabbi answers, \"People in my parish would recognize my face!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2057,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Bill Gates recently got married. After the wedding, Bill and his new wife got back to their honeymoon suite and later, of course, they crashed into bed. Apparently things didn't work out pretty well for Bill that night, and the next morning his new wife got up, pointed at the embarrassed Bill Gates and rather annoyed she said: \"Now I know why your company is called what it's called!\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2058,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "There were two old men who had loved baseball all of their life. They had grown up in the same town where they played together thru grade school, high school and then college. After college they didn't have the skill for professional ball so they learned to be umpires in order to stay around the game. They started in the minors and being very good umpires soon moved on to the majors where they umpired for many years. After they retired, they continued to umpire for youth ball like little league.However, as they grew older and older, they started to worry about what it would be like after they died. Would there be baseball after death?Finaly they made a pact. The first one to die would, if at all possible, come back immediately and tell the other about baseball after death.Finaly Joe died and went to Heaven. After much argument he convinced St. Peter to let him return in a dream to his friend Fred and this conversation ensued:Joe: \"Fred, I made it to heaven and I have both good news and bad news\"Fred: \"Well, what is the good news\"Joe: \"We don't have to worry about baseball any more. There is all kinds up here. We can umpire from sand lot ball to the major leagues. In fact I have 3rd base tomorrow night\"Fred: \"THAT'S GREAT!! What could possibly be bad news after that?\"Joe: \"You have the plate!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2059,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "the last thoughts, and percentages of brain capacity",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2060,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.\"Well,\" she said. \"The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.\"\"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.\"\"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2061,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Bill Gates dies. Goes to St. Peter. St. Peter says, \"we don't know where to send you. You've been both good and bad. So, we decided to let you decide between heaven and hell.\" Gates says, \"can I preview them first?\" St. Peter allows a preview, and off they go to hell. In hell, they are on a beach with lots of bikini clad women. Gates likes this. Then off to heaven. There, the angels are lying on clouds playing thier harps. Gates tells St. Peter, \"This is nice, but a little dull. I liked hell better. Can I go to hell?\" St. Peter agrees and sends him back down to hell.Three weeks later, St. Peter decides to go check on Gates. When he arrives in hell, there is Bill Gates tied to a stake, surrounded by fire, and being wiped and beaten by angry people. Gates yells to St. Peter, \"Help me. Help me. Where are the bikini clad women?This is not what I wanted.\" St. Peter replies, \"Oh, that was the screen saver.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2062,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?A: When he opens his mouth.Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a shark?A1: The shark leaves it's own species alone.A2: The shark has standards.Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?A: One is a mean spirited vicious blood sucking basted feeding of it's helplesspray until it has drained them dry. The other is hungry.Q: Why are lawyers buried 20 feet down?A: Because deep, deep down they really are decent people.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2063,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, \"Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?\"\"Oh, yes, indeed,\" said Auntie, beaming. \"Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way,\" she added, as she held out her hands, \"I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all about.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2064,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man went camping in the woods by himself.He awoke early in the morning to hear a strange growling sound. He looked out to see a bear. He immediately began to run as fast as he could.The bear was gaining on him and he finally gave up hope, fell on his knees and said \"Oh God, please let this be a Christian bear!\"He turned to see the bear on his knees saying \"Lord bless this food I am about to recieve...\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2065,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Two hunters were hunting deer when one accidently shot his friend. At the hospital the shooter asked the doctor if his friend would be ok. \"Well, he WOULD have been if you hadn't gutted him.\"Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush. \"Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo store salesman.\" \"OK,\" says Ivan. After a while, Ivan says, \"I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car.\"A hunter just tagged his deer as the game warden walked up. \"Where's your license,\" asked the warden. \"Don't know,\" said the hunter. \"OK, you're under arrest for no license. Follow me to the road, and help me drag the deer,\" said the warden. \"No way,\" said the hunter. \"You drag it.\" Two hours later, after the warden had dragged the deer to the road, the hunter remembered which pocket held the license.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2066,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Three men languished in Purgatory.After a while, they began talking to one another.Eventually, they got around to the age-old question asked by internees everywhere: \"Whaddya in for?\"The first man sighed, rolled his eyes heavenward and said \"Allah forgive me!I am a Moslem, and I once drank beer with my lunch.\"The second man looked ruefully at his bound hands and said \"May the Master of the Universe be truly merciful!I am a Jew, and I had a ham-and-cheese sandwich for lunch.\"The third guy remained quiet for some time, staring at the floor in abject misery.The other two prompted him gently, and finally resorted to shaking him, shouting \"Come on man!What did you do that was so awful?\"The third guy, choking back a sob, said \"I guess I may as well tell you guys... you've been so honest with me.I'm an Episcopalian and, God help me, I used the wrong fork!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2067,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Proposed slogans for Holyfield-Tyson III10. The third Gogh around9. Dahmer vs. Psalmer8. The last supper7. Ear-reconcilable differences6. Grazing Bull5. You wanna piece of me?4. Blood, Sweat and Ears3. Lobe's labor lost2. Bite of the century1. Why? Because I lobe it",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2068,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "\"What's wrong with your husband?\" the psychiatrist asked.\"He thinks he's a chicken,\" answered the woman.\"How long has he been acting like a chicken?\"\"Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2069,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, \"Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?\"One of the robbers said, \"What's on your mind, pal?\"\"Would you mind taking the books, too? I'm five thousand short.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2070,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, \"What was your most difficult case?\"The other replied, \"I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years.\"\"What was the result?\"\"It was an eight year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him -- and then that stupid letter arrived!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2071,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "\"Who Done It\"This s a story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2072,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "This letter serves to protect you from any malicious wishes that may result from not forwarding a chain letter on the Internet. The following protections have automatically been applied to you because you have received this letter. If you have not receieved this letter, please put your head between your knees and say \"Duh!\" 6 times aloud.This letter hereby absolves you of any and all malicious consequences you have been subject to by receiving a chain letter via the Internet.By receiving this letter, you are bound to not send out any chain mail to anyone you know. Chain mail is evil and pointless. Please consider the following examples:Barry White received this mailing sometime in 1946 (albeit before the Internet was in existence...but whatever), and he forwarded out a malicious chain letter to everyone in his address book. A week later, he was visited by a group of lesbian eskimo worshipers who beat him endlessly with uncooked lasagna noodles. Gertrude Gartholemeu received this letter and ignored it. After sending a chain letter to three of her friends, she was found mutilated by Jehovah's Witnesses because they were angry that she didn't follow their ways and beliefs.Don't let this happen to you.This message will protect you throughout your natural life and is unlimited in scope. Its protective powers will never expire nor becomeineffective against any chain letter or clauses held within.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2073,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Q. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?A. They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.",
"category": "State Jokes",
"id": 2074,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Bill Clinton and his wife were on a plane as Bill Clinton throws a $1 bill out of the window.His wife asked him what he did that for.He said \"to make one person happy!\"Then Bill's wife throws a $10 bill out the plane window.\"Why d'cha do that?\"\"To make one person very happy\" she respondsA little annoyed Clinton throws 10 $10bills out the window and says \"Well I made 10 people very happy there, huh!?\"His wife throws a $100 out the window and giggles.\"And what was that for?\"\"To make one person very, very happy\" she says.The pilot was getting very annoyed at them, and takes Bill Clinton by the ankles and throws him out of the window.\"WY'D'YA DO THAT!!!?\" she asks very upset.\"To make EVERYONE happy\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2075,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "3 young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was the best:The first boy said, \"my dad is so good he can shoot an arrow run after it, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hand.\"The second boy said, \"my dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hand.\"The third boy said, \"I've got you both beat, my dad so good because he works for the state of Florida. He gets off work at 5:00pm and is home by 4:30pm.\"",
"category": "State Jokes",
"id": 2076,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, \"You skin this one while I go and get another one!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2077,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.The guy from Corona sits down and says \"Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.\" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.The guy from Budweiser says \"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.\" The bartender gives him one.The guy from Coors says \"I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.\" He gets it.The guy from Guiness sits down and says \"Give me a Coke.\" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask \"Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?\" and the Guiness resident replies \"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2078,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.\"In English,\" he said, \"A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.\"A voice from the back of the room pipes up, \"Yeah, right...\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2079,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, \"Too bad that girls has no standard interface.\"\"They have,\" replied the other programmer, \"but there is no standard way to get to it.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2080,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "In the US, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2081,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, \"Were they ALL dead?\"The old farmer replied, \"Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 2082,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,\"Are there any gators around here?!\"\"Naw,\" the man hollered back, \"they ain't been around for years!\"\"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.About halfway there he asked the guy,\"How'd you get rid of the gators?\"\"We didn't do nothin',\" the beachcomber said.\"The sharks got 'em.\"",
"category": "State Jokes",
"id": 2083,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "About a decade ago American government realizes that they are to be beaten by other countries in the automotive sector if they don't put their heads together. Then they decide to deploy a council to make a research.The group visits a Japanese car factory and notice something strange. Everywhere in the factory, there are lots of cats wandering around. One of the American group members asks the general manager of the factory about the cats. He replies; -we put a cat into each completed product at nights, then if one is alive next morning, that means there is something wrong with the isolation of that unit, so we unassemble it and fix it. Americans were amazed...Then it was time to see what it was like in Turkey, they came to TOFAS factory for their search. And they were again surprised as they saw cats like they used in Japan and they asked again about the cats. General manager's answer was ; -we put a cat in each completed unit at night, if it the cat is missing in the morning ,it means we have some problem with the isolation of that unit.",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2084,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. \"I could push this red button, and then give you the best sex of your life,\" she purred. He thought a minute and said, \"I'm sure you could - but what's in it for me?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2085,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.\"What's that big brass gong for?\" one of the guests asked.\"Why, that's my talking clock,\" the man replied.\"How does it work?\" asked one of his friends.\"Watch this,\" the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, \"Hey a..hole! It's 2 in the f..king morning!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2086,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, \"Tell me about the day you died.\"The man said, \"Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.\"St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. \"Well, sir, it was awful,\" said the second man. \"I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!\"St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.\"Tell me about the day you died?\", he said to the third man in line.\"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator....\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2087,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, \"I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.\"The professor said \"I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back.\"The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.The driver said, \"I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2088,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A gentleman was sitting at a crowded bar talking with a colleague about a recent legal encounter.\"Lawyer's are jerks\" the man said as he completed his story.His colleague agreed by saying, \"Yeah, lawyers are jerks\".A couple nearby overheard the conversation and the word spread quickly throughout the bar that indeed lawyers are jerks. At the far end of the bar, a well dressed gentleman finally caught wind of the topic of conversation. He stood up slammed his beer down on the counter and proclaimed to the whole bar that he was extremely offended by the conversation and that he would appreciate it if whoever started this would stand up and apologize in front of the entire crowd.The gentleman, who originally claimed, \"lawyers are jerks\", angrily stood up and said, \"You must be an attorney\".The offended gentleman quickly replied, \"No kind sir, I am an jerk.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2089,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out\nthe application. \"What's the trouble?\" the salesman asked. The man\nsaid that he was reluctant to answer the question about the cause of\ndeath of his father.\n\nThe salesman wanted to know why. With some embarrassment the client\nexplained that his father had been hanged.\n\n\"Hanged!\" The salesman pondered for a moment. \"Just write: 'Father was\ntaking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2090,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.The husband responded \"When we were first married we came to an agreement.I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions.And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2091,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine.She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.\"Is there anything he needs ?\" the distraught woman asked,between tears.The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied,\"He says he'd love a package of cigarettes.\"\"I'll send a carton immediately.\" the woman said joyfully.\"But did he say where I should send them ?\"\"No.\" replied the Seer somberly. \"But he didn't ask for matches.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2092,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Staff NoticeWith immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month.In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.MANAGEMENT",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 2093,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, \"I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June.\"The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, \"This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July.\"The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, \"This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August.\"The Devil says, \"That's it, I'll get this farmer.\" He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. \"Lets see what the farmer has to say about THIS.\"A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer -- only NOW he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, \"The Packers have finally won the Superbowl!\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 2094,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A lawyer is heading home in his limousine when he sees a group of people on the side of the highway. He tells the chauffeur to stop the car, goes over to them, and asks what they're doing.A man says, \"We're poor, homeless, and starving. If we don't eat this grass we'll die of hunger!\"The lawyer says, \"Come with me!\"The man says, \"Please, let me bring my family.\"The lawyer says, \"Sure, the more the merrier!\"So they all pile into the limo. The man asks, \"I hate to ask, since you're being so nice, but where are we going?\"The lawyer says, \"My groundskeeper is off sick. You can eat all the grass you want at my place!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2095,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.The great big dude says, \"That was a karate chop from Korea.\"The little guy gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK!!- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, \"That was a judo chop from Japan.\"So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. He is gone for an hour or so. He returns, and without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and --BONG!!-- bangs the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold.The little guy looks at the bartender and says, \"When he comes to, tell him that is a baseball bat from Sears.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2096,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Moses, Jesus, and an old guy are playing golf.They come to a hole with a big river running through it. Moses tees off, and the ball lands in the water. He grabs his club, holds it up, and parts the water. He walks down to the water, and chips it out. Jesus is next. He hits the ball and it lands on the water. It doesn't even float, it just sits there. Jesus walks over to the river, walks on it, and chips it off. The old guy tees off. He hits the ball into the water and just stands there. After a moment, he raises his finger. A fish jumps out of the river, spitis it at a bird, who knocks the ball at the hole, but it lands short, so a gopher climbs up out of the hole and whacks it with his hand, and when it lands short again, an earthquake starts and forces the ground up and the ball rolls into the hole. Then everything returns to normal.Moses turns to Jesus and says, \"Man, I hate playing with your dad.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2097,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Coach Walker enters the locker room and eyes one of his players. \"Son, I hate to do this to you. I realize that you're the star of the team, but you're failing your classes and I can't let you play.\"\"Give me a break, coach!\" pleads the jock.\"I'll tell you what - I'll ask you a question, and if you get it right, you can play... what is two plus two?\"The jock counts on his fingers, \"one, two, three,... The answer must be four!\"\"Did you say four?\" asks the excited coach.\"Sure did, Coach!\"As the coach starts to jump and scream in excitement, the other members of the team can be heard begging, \"Gee, come on coach, give him another chance!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2098,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign . . .\"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.Caution: Do not step on exhaust.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2099,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do.All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity. She said, \"The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today.\" Little Johnny said to himself, \"Good, I'm smart and I want to get outa here.\"The teacher asked, \"Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?\" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, \"Abraham Lincoln?\"The teacher said, \"That's right, Susie. You may go.\" Johnny was mad that Susie had answered first.The teacher asked, \"Who said 'I Have a Dream'?\" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, \"Martin Luther King!\" The teacher said, \"That's right, Mary. You may go.\" Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first. The teacher asked, \"Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?\" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, \"John Kennedy!\"The teacher said, \"That's right, Nancy. You may go.\" Now Johnny was furious! Nancy had answered first.Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, \"I wish these girls would keep their mouths shut!\"The teacher spun around. \"WHO SAID THAT?\" Johnny said, \"BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2100,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "So you want the day off:Let's take a look at what you are asking for....There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be Damned if you're going to take that day off!",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 2101,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A blind man and his dog go into the supermarket and then the blind man takes his dog by the collar and starts to swing him around over his head, knocking things off the shelves. The manager comes up to the blind man and asks \"excuse me sir, can I help you?\" the blind man answers \"no thanks, I'm just looking around\".",
"category": "Blind Jokes",
"id": 2102,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Two men were boasting to each other about their old Army days.\"Why, my outfit was so well drilled,\" declared one, \"that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.\"\"Very good,\" conceded the other, \"but when my company presented arms you'djust hear slap, slap, jingle.\"\"What was the jingle?\" asked the first. \"Oh,\" replied the other off hand, \"just our medals.\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 2103,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Three successful Jewish brothers compared their wealth by the presents they had recently sent their old mother for her 75th birthday.Shlomo, the oldest, said: \"I built a big mansion for our mother.\"Moishe, the second, said: \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\"Ira, the youngest, said: \"You remember how our mama used to enjoy reading the bible? Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible... Mama just has to name the chapter and verse.\"A few days later a letter arrived from their mother.\"Shlomo,\" she wrote, \"the mansion you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\"\"Moishe,\" she wrote, \"I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver - he's a pain in the tuchas.\"\"But Ira,\" she wrote, \"the chicken was delicious!\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2104,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.The woman said, \"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago.\"The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.Back in the car, the guy says, \"Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!\"The woman says, \"Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2105,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of information:Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting waving his hands in the air:Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?!?!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2106,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "I was attending church as a visitor several weeks ago and heard the following:\"I have good news, and I have bad news.First, the bad news: we need a new roof.Next, the good news: we have the money to pay for it!(waits for pleased murmurs to recede)Next, more bad news: the money is still in your pockets.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2107,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?A: Shoot the lawyer twice.Q: What do a lawyer and sperm have in comon?A: They both have a one in a million chance of being human.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2108,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: \"So how are your men?\"\n\n\"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.\"\n\n\"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country.\" \"Well, my men are very brave, too.\"\n\n\"I'd like to see that.\"\n\nSo Marshall calls private Cooper and says: \"Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!\"\n\n\"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idioy! I'm out of here!\" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:\n\n\"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 2109,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking alcohol when all of a sudden, the passenger, Bubba, said, \"Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-lice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!\"\"Don't worry, Bubba,\" Earl said. \"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.\"\"What fer?\", asked Bubba.Just let me do the talkin,' OK?\", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each stuck a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, \"You boys been drinkin'?\"\"No, sir,\" said Earl. \"We's on the patch!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2110,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.He tries again. Still nothing.He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, \"Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?\"The other guy yells back, \"No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 2111,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.He was furious and said, \"Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!\"\"Yes Sir, Mr. President,\" the interior decorator replied,\"I'll take those mirrors out right away!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2112,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "On her way to work a lady passed a new pet shop. She had a few minutes to spare, so she walked into the store and took a look around. Near the store window she saw a cage with a beautiful red parrot in it. She admired him for a few minutes, when the parrot said to her: \"Hey lady, you are really ugly!\u0093A little upset at the rude parrot, the woman left the store and went to work.Later that day on her way home from the office she saw the same parrot in the window. Again the parrot squawked: \"Hey lady, you arereally ugly!\"Mad at the bird, she rushed home.When she passed the pet store on her way to work the next morning, the parrot said it again: \"Hey lady, you are really ugly!\"Well, the lady was furious! Cursing in a rather unlady-like manner,she stormed into the store and demanded to see the owner. She told him that she was going to sue him and kill the bird if he didn't stop harassing her. The man behind the counter apologized and promised the bird would not say it again.When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot squawked: \"Hey lady...\"She paused and said, \"Yes?\"And the bird said: \"You know.\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2113,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine.She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.\"Is there anything he needs ?\" the distraught woman asked,between tears.The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied,\"He says he'd love a package of cigarettes.\"\"I'll send a carton immediately.\" the woman said joyfully.\"But did he say where I should send them ?\"\"No.\" replied the Seer somberly. \"But he didn't ask for matches.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2114,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters. The CIA boss says, \"All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'\"So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, \"Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy.\"The bartender replies, \"You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too.\"Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on bartender, so he says, \"The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.\"The bartender replies, \"Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2115,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Thorn was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it.At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Thorn turned down the soup, so they gave up.In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.When Thorn got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, \"Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your ass!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2116,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, \"Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.\"\"We don't have any.\" replied the first blonde. \"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses.\" said the Game Warden.\"But officer,\" replied the second blonde, \"we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river.\"The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. \"Well, I know of no law against it,\" said the Game Warden, \"take all the debris you want.\" And with that, the Game Warden left.As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. \"What a dumb Fish Cop,\" the second blonde said to the other two, \"doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2117,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. \"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,\" responded the lawyer. \"Sorry, but I can't do that,\" replied the stonecutter. \"In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ''here lies an honest lawyer\" \"But that won't let people know who it is\" protested the lawyer. \"Certainly will,\" retorted the stonecutter. \"people will read it and exclaim, \"That's Strange!\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 2118,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property.\"Retrieving this duck that I just shot.\" he replied.\"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine.\" replied the farmer.Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to.\"No\", replied the farmer, \"I don't know, and I don't care.\"\"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles\", came the reply. \"I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street.\"\"Well,\" said the farmer, \"In Montana the only law we go by is the kicks law.\"\"Never heard of it,\" said Johnny.The farmer said, \"I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours.\"Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. \"Fair enough,\" he said.So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. \"Alright, now it's my turn,\" said Johnny.\"Aw, forget it,\" said the farmer. \"You can have the duck.\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 2119,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A farmer sent his nephew a crate of chickens, but the box burst open just as the boy started to take them out.The next day he wrote his uncle, \"I chased them through my neighbor's yard, but only got back eleven.\" The uncle wrote back: \"You did all right.I only sent six.\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 2120,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, \"How'd you do that?\"\"I could tell you, sir,\" the magician answered, \"but then I'd have to kill you.\"After a short pause, the man yelled back, \"Ok, then... just tell my wife!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2121,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Bob was in love with Nancy, the beautiful young woman across the street. Unfortunately Bob had a speech impediment and she wouldn't marry him because he talked funny. One day he read about a school on the other side of the country, that might be able to help him overcome his handicap. So he enrolled for four months.When Bob returned, his buddy Jimmy picked him up at the airport and asked: \"So? Was it worth it? Were they able to help you?\"Bob replied: \"Well - sort - of. - But - now - I - must - talk - very - slow - and - be - very - careful - to - articulate - words - properly.\"Jimmy smiled and said: \"Don't worry! Nancy loves you. I'm sure she'll marry you.\"Later that night Jimmy dropped Bob off at Nancy's house. But about two hours later Bob rang Jimmy's doorbell. Jimmy asked: \"What are you doing here? Does that mean she's not going to marry you after all?\"Bob answered: \"No, - I - don't - think - so.\"\"Why? What happened?\" Jimmy asked.Bob explained: \"Well, - everything - went - well - at - first. - We - were - sitting - on - the - couch - talking - and - I - saw - the - cat - playing - with - the - balls - on - the - Christmas - tree, - so - I - tried - to - be - witty - and - said:\"Look, - honey, - after - we're - married, - you - can - do - that - to - me!\" - But - by - the - time - I - said - it - and - she - looked, - the - cat - was - licking - his - butt!\u0093",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2122,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says \"I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy.\"Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, \"If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy.\"Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, \"I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier.\"At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, \"I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2123,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, \"You can't bring that dog in here.\"\"You don't understand,\" says the man. \"This is no regular dog, he can talk.\"\"Listen, pal,\" says the bartemder. \"If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.\"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, \"What's on top of a house?\"\"Roof!\"\"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?\"\"Bark!\"\"And what kind of sport is Judo?\"\"Rough!\"\"I guess you've heard enough,\" says the man. \"I'll take the hundred in twenties.\"The bartender is furious. \"Listen, pal,\" he says, \"get out of here before I belt you.\"As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, \"Do you think I should have said 'gentle'?\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2124,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Jerry Jones calls Michael Irvin in for a meeting:\"Michael\" he says, That was a close one & you'll have to be careful from now on.\"\"What do you recommend boss?\"\"From now on it's Pepsi & Nike, not COKE & NOOKIE\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2125,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.\"OK, OK, do you see that tree out there?\" he asked, pointing through the mouth of the cave.\"Yes, yes, yes!\" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.\"Good,\" said the first bat, \"Because I didn't!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2126,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Rich texans are fabled for their grand style but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise- lounge, his opponents thought that was taking style too far.\"J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?\" he was asked.\"Caddie, my eye,\" explained J.R. \"That's my psychiatrist.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2127,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. \"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice,\" said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. \"Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach.\"\"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,\" declared Mrs. Jones proudly. \"Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house.\"Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. \"Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does.Nobody.\"\"So what does she do?\" asked the two women, turning to her.\"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2128,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "My Uncle Jim did not appear to be much for words. Nor, was he ever seen to have friends or pets.We thought he was the primordial loner, until one time we caught him with his ant farm. He loved the creatures. He knew more about ants than I knew about the streets in our little town, and he loved to talk about them. Indeed, it was a deep and private affair, and we admired him for it.One day tragedy hit in the form of a very high wind. It blew the top off the ant farm and his creatures were gone.Practically in tears, he called me on the phone.When I asked what was wrong, he replied, ... \"The ants are my friends. They're blowing in the wind. The ants are blowing inthe wind.!\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 2129,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A lady took her Poodle to the parlor for a haircut. When she asked what it would cost, the girl behind the counter told her \"$60.\"The lady was outraged: \"I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!\"\"But you don't bite, do you?\" the girl replied.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2130,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging betweenthem a young man in a three-piece suit.\"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,\" said one.\"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,\" said the other.And so they haggled before the King until he called forsilence.\"Bring me my biggest sword,\" said Solomon, \"and I shall hew the youngattorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.\"\"Sounds good to me,\" said the first lady.But the other woman said, \"Oh Sire, do not spill innocentblood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.\"The wise king did not hesitate a moment. \"The attorney mustmarry the first lady's daughter,\" he proclaimed.\"But she was willing to hew him in two!\" exclaimed theking's court.\"Indeed,\" said wise King Solomon. \"That shows she is theTRUE mother-in-law.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2131,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "There was this bloke who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across a very charismatic American evangelist. He unburdened his soul to the American, who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy.The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration.Picking up a stick, he throws it and says 'Fetch.' Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says 'Drop' and the dog drops the stick at his feet. 'Roll over' and the dog rolls over.By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go.\"Sure,\" replies the evangelist.\"Heel,\" says the ownerAnd the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man and says, \"I command this sickness to leave you...\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2132,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.The Pope says, \"What can I do?\"The Colonel says. \"I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican.\"The Pope replies, \"I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words.\"So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. \"Listen, Your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'\"And the Pope responds, \"It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words.\"So the Colonel gives up again.After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. \"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken,' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.The Pope replies, \"Let me get back to you.\"So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, \"I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.\"The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The pope replies, \"The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2133,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "\"How can I ever thank you?\" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.\"My dear woman,\" Darrow replied, \"ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2134,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, \"Now there's the biggest horse's arse I've ever seen.\"Immediately a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV.\"She's a horse's arse too,\" he said.A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool.\"Hey!\" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. \"This must be Clinton country.\"\"Nope,\" the bartender replied. \"Horse country!\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 2135,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Letter from Camp...\nDear Mom & Dad:We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.Scoutmster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our firstaid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.Love,ColeP.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2136,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Bill and Hillary Clinton were traveling to Hillary's high school reunion in Chicago when they had to stop for gas. They pulled up to the full-service pump and waited as the gas station attendant came out to fill up the limo. As he was pumping the gas, Hillary said to Bill, \"Gee, that guy looks so familiar!\" A few minutes later, it hit her. \"Bill!\" she said, \"I do know that guy! We used to date in high school!\"Bill turned to Hillary and said, \"Well, aren't you glad you ended up with me?\"\"Why?\" asked Hillary.\"Because I'm the President of the United States and he's pumping gas!\"\"Well,\" said Hillary, \"If I had married him, he'd be President!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2137,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "I stopped at a fast food restaurant, intrigued by a sign which offered fat free fries. I decided to give them a try, but I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a batch of fries from the fryer dripping with fat, and then put a bag of these fries in with my order.\"Just a minute,\" I said, \"those aren't fat free.\"\"Yes, they are,\" he replied, \"we only charge for the potatoes, the fat is free.\" ~~~A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says, \"I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.\"A voice from the back of the room chirps, \"There's a calendar behind you.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2138,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The big game hunter gets talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions.It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe.One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search.He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling and soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion.The wife whispers urgently, \"What are we going to do?\"\"Nothing whatsoever,\" responds her husband. \"The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2139,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A minister dies and goes to heaven.Before him is a loudmouth man with a loud shirt, chain pants, and a loud hat. Saint Peter asked the guy what he did for a living. He said \"I was the taxi cab driver of moo yawk city. St. Peter hands him a silk robe, and a golden staff.The minister gets up to St. Peter. St. Peter asked the man what he did for a living. He stood up very straight, and spoke in a loud, clear voice \"I am John C. Maxwell, bishop of St. Mary's Church. St. Peter hands him a cotton robe, and a regular staff.\"Why\", asked the bishop. You let that taxi cab driver have a silk robe and golden staff but not me? St. Peter said \"up here we work by results.\"St. Peter said \"While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2140,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.Sure enough, the two bears were still there.\"He's in THAT one!\" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.\"Whatdya do that for!\" exclaimed the lawyer, \"I said he was in the other!\"\"Exactly,\" replied the sheriff, \"and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2141,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle, so the elephants decided to challenge the ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the elephants beating the ants ten to nothing, when the ants gained possession of the ball. The ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the elephants' goal when the elephants' left back came stampeding towards him.The elephant stepped on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee blew his whistle, stopped the game, and gave the elephant the red card.\"Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!\" the other ant players screamed.\"What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?\" the referee asked the distraught elephant.The elephant cried: \"I didn't mean to kill him! I was just trying to trip him!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2142,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.\"Let's try to make this look natural,\" she said. \"Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder.\"The father answered, \"If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2143,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The Ballad Of The Y2K(sing to the tune of \"Gilligan's Island\")Just sit right back and you'll hear a taleOf the doom that is our fate.That started when programmers usedTwo digits for a dateTwo digits for a dateRAM memory was smaller then;Hard drives were tiny, too.\"Four digits are extravagant,So let's get by with two.So let's get by with two.\"\"This works through 1999,\"The programmers did say.\"Unless we write new code by thenThe data goes away.The data goes away.\"But management had not a clue;\"It works fine now, you bet!Rewriting code cost money,We won't do it just yet.We won't do it just yet.\"Now when 2000 rolls aroundIt all goes straight to hell,For zero less then ninety-nine,As anyone can tell.As anyone can tell.The mail won't bring your pension check;It won't be sent to youWhen you're no longer sixty-eightBut minus thirty-two.But minus thirty-two.The problems we're about to faceAre frightening, for sure.And reading every line of code'sThe only certain cure.The only certain cure.[ key change, the big finish coming ]There's not much time, there's too much code,And COBOL-coders, few.When the century is finished,We may be finished, too.",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2144,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.Andy replied, \"Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while.\"Josh, \"Gee, I never knew you played hockey.\"Andy, \"No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-Offs. I put my foot through the television.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2145,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "LETTER TO A CHRONIC COMPUTER USERMy Dear Husband,I am sending you this letter via this E-mail thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Jimmy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.Little Suzy turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Suzy, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and discovered that it really is more fun! Fred, I mean, Mr. Johnson the department head, has, uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Fred, uh, Mr. Johnson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Jimmy, Suzy and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your little disks are booting.Love,Your Wife",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2146,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A man passed away and went to heaven. When the man arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, \"Come on in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here\".Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter what the deal was. Why are all these clocks here in heaven? St Peter replied, the clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move. Click. The minute hand on Sam's clock moved one minute. Click. It moved another minute.Sam must be into closing a customer right now said St. Peter. The minute hand on his clock moves all day.The man and St Peter continued walking. Soon they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. Whose clock is this\" asked the man. That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing people on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two.They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all of his friends. When the tour was over the man said, \" I've seen everyone's clock but President Clinton's. Where is his clock?\"Saint Peter smiled, \"Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2147,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.\n\nThe little boy said, \"Republicans.\"\n\nThe President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, \"Thatta boy!\"\n\nA few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, \"Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?\"\n\nThe boy said, \"Democrats\"\n\nBush looked crushed, saying, \"What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!\"\n\nThe boy said, \"Well, the puppies opened their eyes.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 2148,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The answer to the eternal question \"Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, hemade $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? Keep reading!BUT...If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. Game over. Nerd wins.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2149,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 miles an hour when he noticed that there was a three legged chicken running along beside his car. He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hr. the chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house. The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen. The farmer said that he knew about the chicken, as a matter of fact the farmer said that his son was a geneticist and he had developed this breed of chicken because the three of them each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken. The salesman said: \n'That's the most fantastic story I have ever heard. How do they taste?' The farmer said: \n'I don't know. We can't catch 'em.'",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 2150,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson, who was\ncoming for a Christmas visit with his wife. \"You come to the front door\nof the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.\"\n\nShe continued, \"There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push\nbutton 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the\nright. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the\nleft. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.\"\n\n\"Grandma, that sounds easy,\" replied the grandson, \"but why am I\nhitting all these buttons with my elbow\"?\n\nTo which she answered, \"You're coming empty handed?\"",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 2151,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Superman wakes up one day and realizes that he has done everything he could done in metropolis and he was totally bored. He flies away in search of something to do. Pretty soon he comes across Batman swinging across a few skyscrapers.Superman yells down, \"Hey Batman, got anything I can help you with?\" Batman shouts back up, \"No, Superman. I've got everything under control.\"Superman continues onward. Eventually he flies over the ocean and looks down at Aquaman. Superman yells, \"Hey Aquaman, gimme something to do!\" Aquaman looks up and yells back, \"Sorry Superman, there's nothing for you to do here.Superman by this point is totally exasperated. He starts to fly back to Metropolis when he all of a sudden sees Wonder Woman lying nude on the beach. \"Yes!\" thinks Superman. \"If I zoom down and do her really quick like only I can do, she'll never know what hit her!\" Superman swoops out of the sky, does his thing in about 5 seconds flat, and flies away before he gets caught.Wonder Woman opens her eyes with a shock and says in surprise, \"What was that all about?\"Then the Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, \"I don't know, but my butt is killing me.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2152,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A pirate walks in to a bar, he has the whole pirate gettup: peg leg, funky hat,the long beard, and the parrot. But he has a ship steering wheel in his pants.The bartender says,\"Excuse me, but you have a ship steering wheel in your pants.\"The pirate says,\"Arrrggg, IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2153,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "a blonde goes to an electronic store. She goes up to the salesman and says \" I'd like to buy this TV\" the salesman replies \"sorry I don't sell to blondes\" the blonde, very angry goes home. The next day she dresses up very professionally, pins her hair up and puts on a pair of glasses. She goes back to the store and says to the same salesman \"I'd like to buy this TV\" The salesman again says \"sorry but I don't sell to blondes\" Now the blonde is very angry. The next day she dyes her hair brown and puts on the glasses and goes back to the store. Again she says to the salesman \"I'd like to buy this TV\" and again the salesman replies \"Sorry I don't sell to blondes\" The blonde starts yelling \"I'm not blonde, look my hair is brown. Why won't you just sell be the damn TV?\" The salesman replies \"Because it's a microwave\".",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2154,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Some American fishing enthusiasts decided to go an a fishing trip to a really remote lake in northen Canada. A bush pilot flew them in with all their supplies saying he would be back in a week to pick them up. While the fishing was good, after a few days, the men started to itch for female companionship. In fact Bill was so horny he decided to visit a primitive native indian camp down the lake and find a squaw.His friends advised against it as the indians were on their reservation and were protected by the Canadian government. He could risk being arrested by the RCMP, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.Bill was determined however and set out that evening. Two hours later he came back in terrible shape, all bloody and beaten. \"What happened\" his freinds asked.\"FBI got me\" Bill mumbled. \"You mean the RCMP\" asked his friends. No, a F**king Big Indian.",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2155,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman.\nThe Italian says, \"When I've a finished makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy\".\nThe Frenchman replies, \"Zat is nothing, when Ah 'avefinished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze waydown her body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah\ntongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy\".\nThe Irishman says, \"That's nahtin'. When I'vefinished shaggin' me bord, I get out of bed,\nwalk over to th' window and wipe me whang on the curtain.She hits the roof!\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2156,
"rating": 3.6
},
{
"body": "A blonde went out for a walk. She came to a river and saw another blonde on the opposite bank. \"Yoo-hoo,\" she shouted, \"how can I get to the other side?\"\nThe second blonde looked up the river then down the river then shouted back, \"You\u2019re already on the other side.\u201d",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2157,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, \"What are these, Dad?\"\n\nThe man matter-of-factly replies, \"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.\"\n\n\"Oh I see,\" replied the boys pensively. \"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.\"\n\nHe looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, \"Why are there three in this package.\"\n\nThe dad replies, \"Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.\"\n\n\"Cool!\" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks \"Then who are these for?\"\n\n\"Those are for college men,\" the dad answers, \"Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.\"\n\n\"WOW!\" exclaimed the boy. \"Then who uses these?\" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.\n\nWith a sigh, the dad replied, \"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 2158,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windscreen and begins to masturbate.\n\"Quick, Quick!\" shouts Sister Marilyn. \"What shall we do?\"\n\"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,\"says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on.\"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,\" says Sister Helen.\nSister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but still clings on and continues with his hissing and masturbating.\n\"Now what?\" shouts Sister Marilyn.\n\"Show him your cross,\" says Sister Helen.\n\"Now you're talking,\" says Sister Marilyn...................\nShe opens the window and shouts, \"Get the f**k off our car you dirty little wanker!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2159,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A three-legged poodle walked into a bar in the Wild West and said \"Hey, I'm lookin for the guy who shot my paw!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2160,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Why couldn't Spock flush the toilet?Because of the Captains Log.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2161,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There was this bar and blondes were celebrating in the corner, with beers shouting, \"41 days, 41 days!!!!\" The bartender watched as they more came in and joined the celebration. He was finally so curious that he went over and said, \"Why are you celebrating shouting, '41 days, 41 days!!!'?\" And a blonde held up a 4 piece puzzle box and said, \"The box said 4 to 6 years, and it only took us 41 days!!!!!!!!!!!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2162,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, \"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.\"The woman freed the frog and the frog said, \"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes (naturally) -that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!\"The woman said, \"That would be okay,\" and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, \"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.\"The woman replied, \"That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.\"So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, \"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. \" The woman said, \"That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.\"So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, \"I'd like a mild heart attack.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2163,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A young boy went up to his father and asked, \"What is the difference between potentially and realistically?\" The father pondered for a while, then answered, \"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned.\"\nSo the boy went to his mother and asked, Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?\" The mother replied \"Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that.\" The boy then went to his sister and said, \"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?\" His sister replied, \"Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!\". \nThe boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, \"Did you find out the difference between potential and realism?\" The boy replied, \"Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two slappers.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2164,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "What is the worst thing that can happen to a leper? \nAn epileptic fit.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2165,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked\nand burglarised. \nShe telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.\nPutting her face in her hands, she moaned, \"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?They send me a BLIND policeman!\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2166,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "To the optimist, the glass is half full.\nTo the pessimist, the glass is half empty.\nTo the Accountant , the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2167,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There is a man sitting in a bar, sipping on his beer.A guy slides up next to him andsays, \"If you woke up in the forest, and your arse itched, and when you scratched it, you got Vaseline on your hand, would you tell anyone?\"\n\"F**k NO!\"\n\"Well, if you reached farther into the crack of your arse and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?\"\n\"F**k NO!\"\n\"Wanna go camping?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2168,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?\nBecause a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2169,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the nextmorning he walked in and said: \"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?\" With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. \"Wait, ladies,\" cried the professor. \"The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2170,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, \"What would you like, sir?\"He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, \"A quickie.\"The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, \"What would you like, sir?\" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, \"A quickie, please.\"This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding \"SMACK!\" and storms away.A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, \"Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2171,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "In pharmacology all drugs, once their patent expires, are given generic names. For example: Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen,and so on.The FDA is looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today that they have settled on: MycoxafailinOther names considered were:MycoxafloppinMydixadrupinMycoxnowworkinMydixarizen......",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2172,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "Two Welsh sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their herd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says,\n\"I hear they're doing this to women in England!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2173,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "It was way back when buses first came out.\nThere was a young guy who's gramma just died and he needed to get to his other family to tell them. So he gets dressed in a hurry and runs to the bus stop.\nThe bus driver stops and the guy started walking down the aile and the bus driver said to give him a dime(thats how much it cost back then). So the guy says, \"hold on, I'll have to go get a dime from someone.\"\nThe guy starts running down the street asking people for a dime and everyone says no. He finds a prostitute and says, \"Mam can I have a dime, I'll owe you forever.\"\nShe pulls out a dime drops it in her panties \"If you want it, come and get it but you must use your mouth\"\nAfter he's been down there, he gets on the bus and spits it into the driver's hand\nThe bus driver says, \"Hey... how far do you think your gonna get on a scab?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2174,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across three dogs.\nBeing a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: \"Ah, you're lovely, aren't you,\" she says to the first dog. \"What's your name then?\" \nTo her surprise, the dog actually answers her, \"My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles.\"\nDelighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. \"And what's your name then?\" Again, unbelievably, the second dog answers her, \"My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles.\" \nAnd so she moves on to the last dog. \"Let me guess,\" she says. \"your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles.\"\n\"No,\" replies the last dog. \"My name's Puddles, and I've had a bloody awful day.\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2175,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "PISTON BROKE One late evening, a redneck named Leroy came out of the local pub a little drunk. He got into his pickup truck and started driving home. He was on a lonely stretch of road when all of a sudden a piston blew right through the engine hood. Leroy gets out of his pickup, angry as 'hell' and kicks the door real hard and starts walking down the lonely road. About 20 minutes later, a pickup truck with a bunch of fellow rednecks riding in the back of the truck came along and stopped. One of the fella's called out, \"Hey what's the matter Leroy?\" Leroy answers, \"Piston-broke!\"\nThe same fella calls back, \"Ya, we're pissn'd broke too. Get in the truck!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2176,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the blond girl in a coffin?She was the winner of the 1994 hide & seek contest.p.s: writen in the year 2001",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2177,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "A man went into a shoe repair store in his hometown that he had not\nbeen in for almost twenty years. He found everything just the way he\nremembered it. He went up to the counter and asked the man about a\npair of shoes that he had left there for heel repair 20 years ago.\n\n\"One minute. I'll check.\" replied the man\n\nA few minutes later, the repair man came back.\n\n\"Well?\" asked the man\n\n\"They'll be ready Tuesday.\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 2178,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Paddy and Seamus were flying to the U.S.A. in a jumbo jet when an hour into the flight they heard this message: beep beep \"this is your captain speaking we have just lost one of our four engines. Do not be alarmed this plane is fully equipped to fly us to america on only three engines but we will be delayed for 20 minutes\" \nAn hour later they heard beep beep \"this is your captain speaking, another one of the engines have cut out. Do not be alarmed because this plane is fully equiped to fly to america on only two engines but it means we will be delayed a further hour\" This was fine with paddy and seameus and they went to sleep. \nAn hour later they were awakened by beep beep \"this is your captain speaking we have lost a third of our four engines. Do not be alarmed this plane is fully equiped to fly to america on only one engine though our total delay time will be 3 hours 30 minutes\" Paddy then turned to seameus and said \"I hope the other one doesn't go or we'll be up here all night!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2179,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A positive orgasm is when your partner screams *YES!!*\nA negative orgasm is when your partner screams *NO!!*\nA fake orgasm is when they scream *insert your name here*",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2180,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A man and a woman walk into a doctors office, they tell the doctor that they don't know how to have sex. The doctor tells the couple, \"the man has to stick the longest part of his body into the hariest part of the woman's body\" the doctor then says \"go home and have sex come back in couple of weeks\".They come back after a couple of weeks and tell the doctor that they are not successful. The doctor asks \"what did you do?\" The man answers \"I stuck my nose in her armpit.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2181,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A truck full of wigs has just tipped over.Police are now combing the area.",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2182,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Q: Where can you find a dog with no legs?A:Right where you left it.",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2183,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?\nDivorced.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2184,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A bus driver was taking a group of senior citizens on an outing.During the trip one elderly lady came up to him and told him that she thought she had been molested.The bus driver did not pay much attention to her comment until at the end of the trip another elderly lady told him that she too had been molested. The bus driver noticed an elderly man searching under the seats for something and asked if he could help him.The man told him he had lost his toupee but had not had any luck finding it because his was parted on the side and everyone he had found under the seats were parted in the middle.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2185,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Legend has it that in a pub in Newyork has a magic mirror that will grant wishes if you tell the truth.If you don't POOF you're gone in a flash of smoke.\nA brunette,a redhead and a blonde went to this pub and headed straight for the mirror.\nThe redhead walked up to it and said \"I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world.\" \nPOOF.She was gone.\nThe brunette walked up and said \"I think I am the most sexiest girl in the world.\"\nPOOF.She too had disappaered.\nThe blonde walked up and said \"I think...\"\nPOOF!",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2186,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The phone rings in the maternity ward. Upon answering, the duty midwife is told by a man \"Mrs Jones is about to give birth, her contractions are just 3 minutes apart!\"\nThe midwife asks \"Is this her first Child?\"\nBemused, the man says \"No, don't be daft, this is her Husband!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2187,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A couple made a deal that who ever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life.\nThe woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven.\nAfter a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.\n\"Mary... Mary.... \"\n\"Is that you Fred?\"\n\"Yes, I have come back like we agreed.\"\n\"What is it like?\"\n\"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon - supper - then sex till late at night, sleep, then start all over again.\"\n\"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.\"\n* \"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2188,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?\nSlap her!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2189,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde was driving along a country lane one day, when she noticed in a field, another blonde sitting in a boat paddling away but getting no-where fast.\nLook at that fool she thinks to herself stops the car and exits it.Very annoyed she walks over to the fence and shouts to her \"its dump blondes like you who give other blondes a bad name and if I could swim I'd come over there and kick your ass\".",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2190,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Why do men die normally die before their wives?Because they want to.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2191,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?Popeye kicked the sh!t out of him.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2192,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, \"So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.\"The man replied, \"I agree with you completely.\"This must be a sign from God!\"The woman continued,\"And look at this, here's another miracle - My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break! Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.\"She hands the bottle to the man, as the man nods his head in agreement. He opens it and (due to his traumatic experience) drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,and hands it back to the man.The man asks, \"Aren't you having any?\"The woman replies, \"No. I think I'll just wait for the police..",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2193,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.\"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.\"The minister said, \"Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?\"My uncle responded, \"No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2194,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How does a Blonde kill a bird?A: She throws it off a cliff!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2195,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "There was a party on top of a large buildings roof. Two guys were off to the corner when the first guy said \"Watch this\"! and with that jumped off the roof. To the second man's suprise he just stayed suspended there and floated back.\"Wow!\" said the second man, \"I'll give you $20 if you do that again!\" So the first man did it again. Handing over the $20, the second man shouted \"Right! My turn!\" and with that jumped off to his death.Then another man came up and said to the first \"Damn you're a bastard when you're drunk, Superman!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2196,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food. \n\"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown.\" \nThe man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient. \"Well, how is that duck of yours?\" the Doctor inquires. \"He's dead.\" declared the heartbroken man. \"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?\" insisted the Doctor. \"No.\" lamented the man. \"I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2197,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over,pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.\n\"There might be some matches in the top drawer,\" she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.\n\"Is this your husband?\"he inquired nervously.\n\"No, silly,\" she replied, snuggling up to him.\n\"Your boyfriend then?\" he asked.\n\"No, not at all,\" she said, nibbling away at his ear.\n\"Well, who is he then?\" demanded the bewildered guy.\nCalmly, the girl replied, \"That's me before the operation.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2198,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "How many blondes does it take to wash a car? \nTwo. One to hold the sponge, and one to drive the car back and fourth.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2199,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "What is the definition of ultimate frustration? \nTwo blind lesbians trying to find each other in a fish market.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2200,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What does Tiger woods have better than Princess Diana?A: A driver",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2201,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, \"Go ahead, ask me, Iknow all of them.\"\nA friend says, \"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?\"\nThe blonde replies, \"Oh, that's easy: W.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2202,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?\nA dictator.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2203,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar.\nThere was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out, \"My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!\"\nThe others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman calls out, \"Hey! Hey, you! Are you Jesus?\"\nThe man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. \"Yes, I am Jesus,\" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him, \"I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.\"\nSo the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.\nThe Englishman then calls out, \"Er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?\"\nJesus smiles and says, \"Yes, I am Jesus.\"\nThe Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does as before. Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.\nThen the Australian calls out, \"Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?\"\nJesus nods and says, \"Yes, I am Jesus.\"\nThe Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a schooner of VB for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.\nSome time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. \"Oh God, the arthritis is gone,\" he says. \"The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!\"\nJesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the NewcastleBrown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. \"By jove,\"he exclaims, \"The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!\"\nJesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.\n\"PISS off, mate. I'm on compo!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2204,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "One day three guys go out into the woods to hunt deer.\nThe first guy goes and comes back with a dead deer, he says, \"me find tracks, me follow tracks, me catch deer\"\nThe second guy goes and also comes back with a dead deer, he also says, \"me find tracks, me follow tracks, me catch deer\"\nThe third guy goes and comes back without a deer. He is limping and has cuts and bruises all over the place, he says, me find tracks, me follow tracks, me get hit by train!!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2205,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, \"How long before I can get a haircut?\" The barber looks around the shop and says, \"About 2 hours.\" The guy leaves. \nA few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, \" How long before I can get a haircut?\" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, \"About 3 hours.\" The guy leaves. \nA week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, \"How long before I can get a haircut?\" The barber looks around the shop and says, \"About an hour and a half.\" The guy leaves. \nThe barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, \"Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes.\"\nA little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, \"Bill, where did he go when he left here?\"\nBill looks up, tears in his eyes and says,\" Your house.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2206,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, \"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?\"After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, \"I guess you'd be eating alone.\"",
"category": "Science",
"id": 2207,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "\"Daddy, where did I come from?\" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for\nwhich her parents had carefully prepared. \n\nThey took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. \"Does that answer your question?\" her father asked. \n\"Not really,\" the little girl said. \"Marcia said she came from Newcastle. I want to know where I came from.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2208,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "How do you know when your wife is dead?The sex is the same but the dishes start to pile up.",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2209,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "God said unto Adam \" You have been quiet lately - is there something wrong? Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. So God said that He would make him a companion and that it would be a woman. \nAnd God said\"A woman will gather food for you, cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have a disagreement. She will never get a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you want\"\nAdam asked \"What will it cost me?\" \nGod replied \"An arm and a leg\" Adam asked \"What can I get for a rib?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2210,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so\nthey decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure\nnothing was wrong with them.\n\nWhen they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor\nabout the problems they were having with their memory. After\nchecking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were\nphysically okay but might want to start writing things down and make\nnotes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor\nand left.\n\nLater that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his\nchair and his wife asks, \"Where are you going?\"\n\nHe replies, \"To the kitchen.\"\n\nShe asks, \"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?\"\n\nHe replies, \"Sure.\"\n\nShe then asks him, \"Don't you think you should write it down so you\ncan remember it?\"\n\nHe says, \"No, I can remember that.\"\n\nShe then says, \"Well I also would like some strawberries on top.\nYou had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that.\"\n\nHe says, \"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with\nstrawberries.\"\n\nShe replies, \"Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you\nwill forget that so you better write it down.\"\n\nWith irritation in his voice, he says, \"I don't need to write that\ndown I can remember that.\" He then fumes into the kitchen.\n\nAfter about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a\nplate of bacon and eggs.\n\nShe stares at the plate for a moment and says, \"You forgot my\ntoast.\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 2211,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Dear God,\nSo far today,\nI've done all right.\nI haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.I am very thankful for that.But, in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help.Amen",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2212,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A dwarf is walking down the street and he picks up a hooker. He takes her back to his bedroom and she lays on the bed ready for him.He takes out a suitcase and unpacks four large springs, which he attaches to his hands and feet, climbs over her and starts to give it to her - bouncey bouncey!So anyway she is absolutely loving this and when he finishes she says 'I've never seen that method before, it's not in the Kama Sutra - what's it called?'The dwarf says 'Oh, that was the \"Four-Sprung Dwarf Technique\"'",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2213,
"rating": 1.25
},
{
"body": "A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, \"Hi hon,\" he says. \"How do you like your new phone?\" She replies, \"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though.\" \"What's that, baby?\" asks the husband. \"How did you know I was at WalMart?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2214,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Definition of sick:Walking into an orphanage and singing 'WE ARE FAMILY'",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2215,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?\nThe dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 2216,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, \"Good Morning, Mr. Crow.\" \nMr. Crow shouted back down, \"Good Morning Mr. Rabbit.\" Mr. Rabbit shouted up, \"Whatcha doin' today?\" and the answer shouted back down was, \"Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit - Absolutely nothin' and loving it.\"\nWell, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, \"Do you think I could do that too?\" Mr. Crow shouted back down, \"I don't see why not!\" So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing. In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him.\nThe moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2217,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "There was a man sitting in a bar drinking a beer when a truckie came in and drank it all. The guy burst into tears.\"It was only a joke, I'll get you another one\" said the truckie.\"That's not it,see I went to work and got fired, then I went to the parking lot and my car was stolen, then I went home to find my wife with another man. So now I'm here, and just when I'm about to end it all, you come in and drink my poisoned Beer.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2218,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Why do women have smaller feet than men?\nSo they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2219,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, 'Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess.'Tonto bends down and put his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, 'Buffalo come.' The Lone Ranger says to Tonto 'How do you know?' Tonto Says 'Ear sticky'",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2220,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.\n\nAs he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.\n\nHe looked at the first young man and asked, \"Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?\"\n\nThe young man looks at him and says, \"I'm a pilot!\"\n\nThe general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, \"Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!\"\n\nThe aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, \"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?\"\n\nThe young man says, \"I chop wood!\"\n\n\"Son,\" the general replies, \"we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?\"\n\n\"I chop wood!\"\n\n\"Young man,\" huffs the general, \"you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!\"\n\n\"Well,\" the young man says, \"you hired my brother!\"\n\n\"Of course we did,\" says the general, \"he's a pilot!\"\n\nThe young man rolls his eyes and says, \"So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 2221,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Six guys are playing poker when Bill loses $500 on one hand, clutches his chest and falls over dead. Who's going to tell his wife, they all wonder. \nThey draw straws and Bob picks the short one. They tell him to break it to her gently.\n\"No Problem,\" Bob says. \nSo he drives over to Bill's house and knocks on the door. The wife answers. \"Your husband just lost $500 playing cards,\" he tells her.\nShe screams and says,\"Tell him to drop dead!\"\nBob replies,\"Ok. I'll tell him.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2222,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "There was a guy who walked into a bar and said to the bartender, \"I'll bet you a beer that I can bite my left eye.\" And the bartender said, Well, nobody can bite their own eye! Sure.\" So the man took out a glass eye and bit it. So he got his free beer from the bartender who had just lost the bet. Then he said, \"I'll bet you another beer I can bite my right eye.\" And the bartender replied, \"No one can have two glass eyes. Sure thing, Sir.\" So the man took out false teeth and bit his left eye.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2223,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. \nOne day, she spoke about her problem with a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, \"There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.\" \"That doesn't matter,\" replied the blonde, \"as long as I can sell the car.\" \"Okay,\" said the brunette. \"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be problem to sell it anymore.\"\nThe following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.\nAbout one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, \"Did you sell your car?\" \"No,\" replied the blonde, \"why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2224,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a Family in Egypt and is named \"Amal.\" The other goes to a family in Spain; They name him \"Juan.\" Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, \"But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2225,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. \"Not yet,\" said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. \nWell, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. \"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my \"cereal?\" he asks. \n\"Well,\" his mother says, \"I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning.\"\nJust about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.\nThe little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, \"Are you going to tell him, or should I?\".",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2226,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "One day a father and a child were walking down Mahattan Island.T his was the year 2032 and as the boy and the father were walking the father stopped and told his son \"see there son that is where your grandfather died during the terrorist attack to the world trade center\".Then the boys asked in a confused way \"what's a world trade center?\" The father answered by saying it was one of the biggest buildings in the World but it was destroyed by a mad man from Afghanistan.\"The boy was once again confused and asked \"uhhhh Dad, what's Afghanistan?\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2227,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which is the other possiblity. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as \"Euro-English.\" In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to oza kombinations of letas. After ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2228,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Just before Thanksgiving, a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for\nher family.\n\nShe asked a stock boy, \"Do these turkeys get any bigger?\"\n\nThe stock boy replied, \"No ma'am, they're dead.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2229,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.\"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.\"The minister said, \"Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?\"My uncle responded, \"No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2230,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man sitting at a bar was really drunk when he decided he had to use the restoom.He stubbled off to restroom a few seconds later.After some time had passed the bartender heard this horrifing scream.Since the other customers were starting to leave because of the noice the bartender went back to see what the problem was.When he got back there the bartender asked what was the problem was.The drunk said \"I don't understand everytime I flush the toilet something squeezes my nuts, will you look and tell me what the problem is?\"The bartender looks over and says \" Man I don't know how to tell you this but your sitting on the mop-bucket.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2231,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "There were three women speeding dowm a country road. One was a brunette, another a redhead, and the third a blonde. A cop saw them speeding and put on his siren. The three girls pulled over, got out of the car and each climbed up a different tree to hide.The cop pulled over and tried to find them. He came to the tree where the brunette was and shook it. The brunette said \"CAW! CAW!\" \"Oh it must be a crow.\" he thought.Next he came to the tree where the redhead was hiding.\"Tweet tweet!\" she said. \"Oh it must be a sparrow\" he thought.Then he came to the tree where the blonde was hiding.The cop shook the tree and the response was \"Moooo!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2232,
"rating": 3.75
},
{
"body": "This woman went to her docter because she felt her vagina lips were too large and she wanted to be operated on. She awoke the next morning to find 3 single roses next to her bed. She asked wthe Doctor who they were from. \"The first rose is from me because I thought it was a very brave thing to face this on your own..\"\"The second is from the nurse who assisted in the operation and later went and got her own done..\"\"The third rose is from the man upstairs in the burn unit..... he wanted to thank you for his new ears!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2233,
"rating": 2.2
},
{
"body": "What's grey, crispy and hangs from the ceiling?An amateur electrician.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2234,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "These three guys - an American, Chinese, and German - were shipwrecked on a desert island. The German found this smokey bottle. So he brought it back to the other two and they all opened it togther (the German was a really nice guy). Well, low and behold, a GENIE POPPED OUT! The genie granted them each one wish, and of course all three wanted to be back home. So the genie said he would grant them their wishes.\n\"But first, you must all do me a favor. Mr. American - I want you to built me a restaurant here. Mr. German - you will make the kitchen for this restaurant. Mr. Chinaman - you will get the supplies for the restaurant. I have a hot date waiting for me in Bagdad, so I have to go. But I will return in ONE MONTH. At that time, if you satisfied my requirements, I will grant your wishes.\"So for one month, the three men American and German toiled while the Oriental kinda lazed around and gave a helping hand to the other two. Then about 4 days before the genie's expected return, the Oriental disappeared.Well, the genie came back, just as he promised, and asked to be shown what they had done.He was amazed by the restaurant! Five dining rooms, a tremendous main lobby - all made of bamboo! It was a magnificent feat. As for the kitchen - full utensils, running gas stoves, pots, pans - all made from shells, bamboo, and coconuts. An absolute wonder!\"But where are the supplies from Mr. Chinaman?\"The two men said they didn't know. All they knew was that he had disappered a few days ago and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of him since then. Suddenly from the shadows, out leaped the Oriental, shouting in a loud voice:\"SUPLISE!!!!!!!!!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2235,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "Two mathematicians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York.\nAbout an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost\nan engine, but not to worry, there were three left. However, instead of\n5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York.\n\nA little later, the pilot again came over the intercom. He announced\nthat a second engine failed, and while they still had two left, it\nwould now take 10 hours to get to New York.\n\nSomewhat later, the intercom buzzed again, and the pilot announced that\na third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, the plane could fly\non a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new\nYork.\n\nAt this point, one mathematician turned to the other and said, \"You\nrealize that if we lose that last engine we'll be up here forever!\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 2236,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A golf club walks into a local bar and asked the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refused to serve him. \"Why not?\" asked the golf club. \"You'll be driving later,\" replied the bartender.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2237,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone areas. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells, on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray, in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2238,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "What do Monica Lewinsky and a soda pop machine have in common?? They both say \"Insert Bill Here\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2239,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A grasshopper walks into a bar and walks up to the bar. The bartender says \"hey, we have a drink named after you!\" \"Really?\" asks the grasshopper, \"You have a drink named Steve?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2240,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A biologist, a psychologist, and a mathematician were sitting in a bar drinking coffee.Across the street, they watch as 2 people walk into the house, and then 3 people come out.\"They must have reproduced!\" cries the biologist.\"It can't be physically done!\" cries the psychologist.\"You guys are both wrong\" says the mathematician.\n\"Now there are negative one person in the house.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2241,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Two sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, \"Man, Its getting hot in here.\"The other sausage screams and says, \"AH! A talking sausage!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2242,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. \n\"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?\" Santa asks.\n\"I want a Barbie and Xena,\" the little girl replies.\nSanta looks at the little girl for a moment and says, \"I thought Barbie comes with Ken.\"\n\"No,\" the little girl says. \"She comes with Xena.\nShe fakes it with Ken.\"",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 2243,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Gravy Ladle\nIn France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper. \nOne day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered... After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, \"Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?\" The pastor said, \"Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter.\" So he wrote, \"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner.\" The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows, \"Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed... you would have found the gravy ladle by now!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2244,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, \"Oh, God! Help me!\" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, \"I thought you didn't believe in Me!\" \"Come on God, give me a break!!,\" the man pleaded. \"Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2245,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He\njumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes\nlater, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone\ntaking stuff out of his trunk!\n\nHe runs around and yells, \"Hey, buddy, this is my car!\"\n\n\"OK,\" the man says. \"You take the front and I'll take the back.\"",
"category": "State Jokes",
"id": 2246,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two Welshman walking across a field stumble upon a sheep with its head through a wire fence (it didn't have foot and mouth).\nThe first Welshman drops his trousers and piles into the sheep for 10 mins.\nAfter he was finished he asked the second Welshman if he wanted a go??\nThe second Welshman dropped his trousers and stuck his head through the fence !",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2247,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "What's green and goes camping?A boy sprout!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2248,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, \"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.\" \n\"I know,\" the old man said, \"We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.\" \n\"Well,\" Granny snickered, \"Let's relive some old times.\" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. \"You know, honey,\" the little old lady breathlessly replied, \"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.\"\n\"I wouldn't be surprised,\" replied Gramps. \"One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2249,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2250,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, \"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?\"\nThe gentlemen responded, \"Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.\"\nWell, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.\nOne day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, \"By the way, how did you make out?\"Did your tomatoes turn red?\"\n\"No\" she replied, \"but my cucumbers are enormous!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2251,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Three friends - two straight guys and a gay guy - and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. \"I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman name Penny.\"Then came the second straight guy. \"Sorry, can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!\"The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, \"It doesn't look good, Dick.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2252,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall.In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear he assessed his situation. \nHe was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, \"help me!\" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail.\nFinally he yelled, \"is anybody up there?\" A deep voice replied, \"yes, I'm up here.\"\n\"Who is it?\"\n\"It's the Lord\"\n\"Can you help me?\"\n\"Yes, I can help.\"\n\"Help me!\"\n\"Let go.\"\nLooking around the man became full of panic. \"What?!\"\n\"Let go. I will catch you.\"\n\"Is anybody else up there?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2253,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "An old guy goes to the doctor and gets some tests done. The doctor comes back from checking the results and says,\n\"I have some bad news. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's.\"\nThe old man replies \"Oh thank god I don't have cancer!\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 2254,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but the she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. \nSure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says \"No, my father said I don't have to do this.\" \nHer husband says OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children.",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2255,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.\n\"I've never been better!\" he boasted. \"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?\"\nThe doctor considered this for a moment, then said, \"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.\"\nThe doctor continued, \"So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.\"\n\"And do you know what happened?\" the doctor queried.\nDumbfounded, the old man replied \"No\".\nThe doctor continued, \"The bear dropped dead in front of him!\"\n\"That's impossible!\" exclaimed the old man. \"Someone else must have shot that bear.\"\n\"That's kind of what I'm getting at...\" replied the doctor.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2256,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A young mechanic was repairing the engine of a cardiac surgeon's BMW\nwhile the owner waited. The mechanic yelled across the floor to the\ndoctor, \"Hey Doc, can I ask you something?\"\n\nThe surgeon was a bit surprised but he walked over to the mechanic. The\nmechanic straightened himself up and wiped his hands with a rag. \"Look\nat this engine doc,\" he said. \"I open hearts, take out valves, fix 'em,\nand put 'em back in. When I'm done they'll work just like new. So how\ncome you get the big bucks when I barely have enough to get by?\"\n\nThe doctor leaned in close to the young man, smiled, and said, \"Try it\nwith the engine running.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 2257,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Sandie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression - mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sandie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, \"Mama! I have someone for you to meet.\" Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, \"Why the black panties?\" She replies, \"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.\" He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection, on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, \"What's with this...a black condom?\" He replies, \"I'd like to offer my condolences.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2258,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A young girl in her mid 20's went to a pub and ordered a Bud light.After she drank it she went to a corner and passed out.A sleezy buisness man saw her and had sex with her.She woke up and left like nothing happend. The next day she went to the pub and ordered a Bud light again.She drank it again and passed out.The buisness man saw her again and grabbed two of his pals and they had their evil ways with her.She got up and left the pub like nothing else had happened. On the next day she went to the pub again,ordered the same and passed out again.This time twenty men saw her,built up a orderly line and all had sex with her.She woke up and left the pub. The next day she went to the pub and ordered a Coors \"Why do you want a Coors instead of a Bud light?\" the barman asked her.The girl just said \"Because Bud light makes my crotch sore.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2259,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One day this little boy went on a bus a sat right behind the bus driver. The little boy kept on saying things like \"If my daddy was a elephant and my mommy a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.\" The little boy kept going on using almost all the animals he knew until the bus driver got so p!ssed off that he said, \"What if your dad was gay and your mom a prostitute?\" And the little boy looked at the bus driver, smiled and said, \"I'd be a bus driver!\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2260,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off , when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog sits in the middle with a seat all to himself.The first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.\nThe dog handler says to the first man Don't mind Rover he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne, and I set him to work.Eventually, the plane takes off and when it levels out the handler says to the first manWatch this.\nHe tells the dog\"Rover, search\". The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle to the back of the plane and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handlersarm. He says \"Good boy\", and turns to the first man and says,That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note ofthis, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival. Fantastic! replies the first man.\nOnce again the man says to the dog \"Rover search\".This time he sent the dog down to the front of their plane.The dogsniffs about,sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and placesboth paws on the handlers arm He says \"Good boy\", and turns to the first man and says, That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and theseat number. That's marvellous, I never seen anything like it! says the first man.\nOnce again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back, jumps up onto the seat and this time craps all over the place.The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks What the bloody hell is going on? \nThe handler replies \"Oh god, He's just found a bomb!!",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2261,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting public house regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a woman.\nThere is a drug called \"beer\", that is essentially in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.\nThe shocking statistic is that \"beer\" is available virtually anywhere! All women have to do is buy a \"beer\" or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks.\nPlease! Inform every male you know.",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2262,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band. In another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.Monica Lewinsky walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She swallows nicely then starts on his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts:\"Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!\"",
"category": "Music",
"id": 2263,
"rating": 1.33
},
{
"body": "A man was enquiring about Viagra to a pharmacist. The pharmacist said \"These pills work wonders for me, I can go for 3 hours!I only have to take one pill\" Interested the man asked \"Can you get it over the counter?\"The pharmacists looked startled and replied \"Maybe if I take two pills!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2264,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. \"Are you\nhiring any help?\" she asked.\n\n\"No,\" he said. \"We already have all the staff we need.\"\n\n\"Then would you mind getting someone to assist me?\" she asked.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 2265,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the man with five dicks?-His pants fit like a glove!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2266,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly \"I was artificially inseminated this morning.\" \"I don't believe you,\" said Dolly.\n\"It's true, straight up, no bull!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2267,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created\nMan and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2268,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Two men were having a conversation. A: \"My ears got burnt!\" B: \"How did that happen?\" A: \"You see, I was ironing and the phone rang and instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron.\" B: \"So how did the second one get burnt.\" A: \"The person called back.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2269,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.\"I have good news and bad news,\" the owner replied. \"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.\"\"That's wonderful,\" the artist exclaimed. \"What's the bad news?\"\"The guy was your doctor.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2270,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions. One seventy-five year old woman says, \"I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.\" An eighty year old woman says, \"My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.\" The ninety year old woman says, \"At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow.\" \"So what's your problem?\" asked the others. \"I don't wake up until nine.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2271,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the blind circumciser?He got the sack.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2272,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Every time Timmy's mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the closet with his teddy bear. One day, hearing her husband coming up the stairs, she quickly shoved her boyfriend in with Timmy.\"Gee, it's mighty dark in here,\" Timmy said.\"Yes, it sure is,\" replied the boyfriend.\"You wanna buy my teddy bear for fifty bucks?\" asked Timmy.\"No way, kid. You're crazy,\" said the boyfriend.\"I'll scream,\" said Timmy.The boyfriend forked over the money.The next day, Timmy's grandmother came to visit and saw him thumbing through a wad of money. \"Where did you get all that money, Timmy?\" she asked, suspecting that he stole it. Timmy wouldn't say.\"Well, if you won't tell me, you'll have to go to confession and tell the priest,\" said Grandma, dragging Timmy off to the church.As he entered the gloomy confession booth, Timmy said, \"Gee, it's mighty dark in here.\"\"Are you going to start that crap again?\" the priest said.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2273,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: \"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.\" The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, \"See! That was more than 5 times a month!\" The second bull is to be sold: \"Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.\" Again the wife bugs her husband, \"Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!\" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: \"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!\" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, \"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!\" The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, \"Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2274,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' \nThey stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2275,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "This women goes into labor.They rush to the hospital.When they are there, the doctor comes in and tells the husband about the new invention they have He says, \"This machine right here makes it easier for the women to have a kid. You strap this to your wrist and the father of the child will feel the pain.Want to give it a try?\"\"Sure, why not.\"So they strap it to his wrist.\"We are going to turn it up to 30% to begin with.\"So they do and the guy feels nothing so they turn it up to 50%.He still can't feel anything so they turn it up to 75%.The guy still feels nothing so they turn it all the way up.The lady has the kid.\"Man, I didn't feel a thing,\" said the guy.\"Ya, me either.\" Said the wife.Later that day the wife and husband go home.When they get home, they find the milk man dead on the back porch.",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2276,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "How many men does it take to change a light bulb in the kitchen?None.... Let her cook in the dark!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2277,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "The phone rings in the maternity ward. Upon answering, the duty midwife is told by a man \"Mrs Jones is about to give birth, her contractions are just 3 minutes apart!\"\nThe midwife asks \"Is this her first Child?\"\nBemused, the man says \"No, don't be daft, this is her Husband!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2278,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "A woman walks into a bar and notices a good-looking cowboy.She approaches him and asks, \"Is it true what they say about men with BIG feet?\"He replies, \"It sure is Ma'am. Would you like to come to my place and find out?\" She sees no harm and decides to spend the night.The next morning as he is waking up he notices the lady placing a hundred dollar bill on his nightstand.\"Wow, I'm flattered. No one has ever paid me for my services,\" he says.\"Don't be,\" she replies. \"Use it to buy a pair of boots that fit!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2279,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, \"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.\"To which the gentleman said, \"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2280,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor\"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, \"I'm a Sperm.\" She will answer, \"I'm the Egg.\" From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. \"Do you understand?\" The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, \"Then, good luck!\"Two days later, the sperm was taking a nap when he heard the siren. He woke up immediately and ran to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swam behind him. He knew he had to arrive first. When he was near the entrance to the cavern, he looked back and saw he was far ahead. Then he was able to swim at a slower pace until he reached the red, sticky ball.When, at last, he reached the red, sticky ball, he brightened up, smiled and said \"Hi, I'm a sperm.\"The red sticky ball smiled and said, \"Hi, I'm a tonsil.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2281,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A professor giving a talk to a multinational audience tells a joke about the Germans. Someone at the back of the hall jumps up and protests angrily: \"I'm German!\" \"OK\", says the speaker \"I'll say it again - slowly\".",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2282,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A couple are coming back from their holidays and they're trying to work out how they're going to smuggle the Skunk they picked up for a very reasonable price at Skunks-R-Us through Customs.\nThe husband suddenly comes up with an idea. He turns to his wife and says \"Put it down the front of your knickers\".The wife looks shocked and asks \"What about the smell?\"\"Well,\" exclaimes the husband \"If it dies, it dies!\"",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 2283,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, \"Oh, oh!\"\n\nThe man asked the doctor what the problem was.\n\n\"Well,\" said the doc, \"you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?\"\n\n\"No,\" replied the man.\n\n\"Do you drink in excess?\"\n\n\"No,\" replied the man.\n\n\"Do you have a sex life?\"\n\n\"Yes, I do!\"\n\n\"Well,\" said the doctor, \"I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.\"\n\nLooking perplexed, the old man said, \"Which half? The looking or the thinking?\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2284,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "\"I can't go on like this!\" the woman bawled at her husband. \"My mother sends us money, my sister buys our kids clothes, and my aunt brings us food. I'm so ashamed.\" \"You should be!\" replied the never-do-well. \"Your uncles don't give us a damn thing.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2285,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, \"Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?\"\n\nThe mother says, \"It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.\"\n\nThe doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, \"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess.\"\n\nThe mother says, \"Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?\"\n\nLynda says, \"No mother! I've never even kissed a man!\"\n\nThe doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, \"Is there something wrong out there doctor?\"\n\nThe doctor replies, \"No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2286,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "2 New Zealanders board a QANTAS flight. Later on an Aussie comes along and sits next to them and kicks off his shoes. The New Zealander closest to the window says \"I might have a coke,\" and the Aussie says \" No trubs mate.\" While the Aussies away the New Zealander spits in his shoe. When the Aussie comes back, the other New Zealander says \" I might have a coke too.\" So the Aussie goes \" Alright,\" and walks off to get him a coke. While he's away the New Zealander spits in the other shoe. When the plane lands the Aussie puts on his shoes and knows exactly what has happened and says \" How long does this rivalry have to go on. Spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2287,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "On the first day of University, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: \"The female Halls will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male Halls to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty pounds the first time.\"\nHe continued, \"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty pounds. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred and eighty pounds. Are there any questions?\"\nA male student in the crowd inquired: \"How much for a season pass?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2288,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, \"I'm on the 7th hole,and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.\" He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, \"I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.\" Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, \"Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.\" He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, \"If I told you, you would only laugh.\" \"No, I wouldn't,\" he said. She said, \"I sell tampons.\" With that he fell on the floor laughing hysterically. She said, \"See, I knew you would laugh.\" \"That's not what I'm laughing at,\" he replied. \"I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2289,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Why did the woman cross the Road?Never mind that- what I want to know is what she was doing out of the kitchen in the first place!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2290,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "How do you sink a polish ship???\nPut it in water",
"category": "Ethnic Jokes",
"id": 2291,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was\nvery successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships\nall over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of\nhim. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.\n\nHowever, there was one thing different about this captain. Every\nmorning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in\nhis captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an\nenvelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper\nfor a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his\ndaily duties.\n\nFor years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a\ntreasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone\nspeculated the contents of the strange envelope.\n\nOne day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to\nrest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters.\nHe opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...\n\nThe first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four\nwords were on the paper, two on two lines:\n\n\"Port is Left, Starboard is Right.\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 2292,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Two cows are talking in a field, the first cow says \"How about that mad cow disease?\" \nThe second cow replies \"I wouldnt know I'm a helicopter.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2293,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "An elderly man and his wife showed up at a doctors office for an appointment for the old man. Once in the office,the doctor tells the old man he needs a urine sample, as stool sample, and a sperm sample. Now the old man, being hard of hearing asks his wife,\"What, what did he say?\" At which time his wife yells in his ear, \"He wants to see your underwear\".",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2294,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A dog walks into an employment agency and says \"I'd like to get a job please.\". The guy at the employment agency says \"Wow, you could easily get a job at the circus with your talents.\" The dog replys \"What would the circus want with a plumber?\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2295,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "How do you get a NUN pregnant?Dress her up as a little boy!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2296,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?\nWhen she starts her sentence with \"A man once told me...\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2297,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Why do men pass gas more than women?\nBecause women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2298,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.\n\nThe first said, \"I built a big house for our mother.\"\n\nThe second said, \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\"\n\nThe third smiled and said, \"I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well.So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. Ittook elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind.Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.\"\n\nSoon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:\n\n\"Milton,\" she wrote one son, \"The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\"\n\n\"Gerald,\" she wrote to another, \"I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!\"\n\n\"Dearest Fred,\" she wrote to her third son, \"You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2299,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "In Light of recent years bringing us high profile ,celebrity involved murder cases, namely O.J. and now Robert Blake.Hertz rental car is now offering a cut rate on the Chevy BARRETTA!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2300,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "There were three nuns who suddenly died.All their lives they wanted to go to heaven for when they died, and being nuns they were pretty sure that they would definitely go there. But when they died they went to the gates of heaven and they couldn't get in.They started looking at each other wondering why and suddenly they asked God why. \"Why can't we go to heaven, God, if we were good all our lives, we didn't do anything bad to disappoint you.\" \"To get into the gates of heaven,\"God replied. \"each of you have to pass the ultimate test to see how much you learned in your lifetime.If you pass the test question given you, then the bells of heaven will ring and the gate will open for you.\" So the nuns having no choice decided to follow through. So God said to the first nun, \"Tell me, who was the first person on earth?\" \"Oh, that's an easy one,\" she said.\"The first person on earth was Adam.\" Having answered it correctly the bells rang:ding! ding! ding!And the gates opened and she went in. \"Ok,\" God said to the second nun.\"Who was the first woman on earth?\" \"Oh, that's an easy one.The first woman on earth was Eve.\" Ding! Ding! Ding!The gates open and she goes in. Finally God asked the third nun a question. \"Ok, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?\" The nun thought a while and she said, \"Uhh. . . That's a hard one. . .\" Ding!Ding!Ding!The gates open. . . .",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2301,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, \"Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. \nThree years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.\nThen two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.\nLast year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again.\"\nLester asks Billy Bob, \"So, what you gonna do this year that's different?\"\nBilly Bob says, \"This year I'm taking Marie with me.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2302,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Q:Why did the blond stare at the orange juice box?A:Because it said \"...Concentrate...\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2303,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "What do you call a blond standing inbetween two brunetts?A mental Block",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2304,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.\nThe shrink says, \"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2305,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?\nShe said, \"Is it mine?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2306,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Halloween Party\nA couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. \nThe wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and a little kiss here, a little kiss there and sometimes a little bit more. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the neighbouring rooms and did something which she would only allow her husband to do. She was quite upset afterwards because her husband could not know that she was his wife. She slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, \"Oh, you know I never have a good time when you are not there.\" Then she asked, \"Did you dance much?\" He replied, \"I did not dance at all. When I got there I met Pete, Bill, John and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the chap I lent my costume told me that he had a glorious evening.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2307,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2308,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "These three guys escape from Alcatraz prison. One is british, one is American, and the last one is Turkish.\nBut now they're bored and so they're wandering around thinking of something to do.\n\"Let's play golf.\" The American finally says.\n\"I don't know how to play that.\" The Turk says.\n\"Oh it's easy, \" answers the Brit, \"all you need is a ball, a stick, and a hole.\"\n\"I got the ball, \" says the American,\n\"I got the stick, \" says the Brit\nThen the Turk says, \"I don't wanna play.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2309,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "There are three blondes walking through the woods, and they come upon a set of tracks.The first blonde says \"Those are deer tracks.\"The second blonde says \"No, those are bear tracks.\"The third blonde says \"You are both wrong, those are moose tracks.\"Then the get hit by a train.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2310,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An Irish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.\n\"What's up ?\" he says.\n\"I'm having a heart attack\", cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4 year old son comes up and says, \"Daddy, Daddy, Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on !\"\nThe guy slams down the phone and storms upstairs into the bedroom past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there's his brother, totally naked cowering on the wardrobe floor.\n\"You bastard\", says the husband, \"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2311,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "This guy is cruising at about 90 mph on the highway when a cop flicks on his siren. The guy starts to speed up and so the cop starts to chase him. They get to 120, then 130, and finally 140 mph when all of a sudden the guy stops and pulls over.The cop went up to the guy's window and says \"if you can give me one GOOD reason for trying to outrun me I'll let you go.\" The guy looks at him and says \"Listen, my wife ran off with a cop last week and I thought you where trying to give her back\"The cop looks at the guy and says \"Alright sir you have a nice day.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2312,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A company manager was told one day that he had to make one of his staff redundant. He decided that he could probably afford to get rid of either Jack or Jill as they performed similar roles. He decided that over the next few days he would see who was the better worker. Jack came in on time every day, worked hard, did a good job and left work late. Jill came in late, talked half the day, worked half-heartedly and left early. After a few days the boss called Jill into his office. Jill had come in late that morning and looked hungover. \nThe boss said.. \"This is difficult to say, Jill. I have had to make a decision as to whether to lay you or Jack off.\" \"Well you had better jack off\", said Jill, \"because I have a headache.\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 2313,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?Fertilised!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2314,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic week vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, \"Honey, my hands are freezing!\"\nShe says, \"Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up.\" After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, \"Man! My hands are really freezing!\"\nShe says again, \"Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up.\"\nHe does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says,\"Honey,my hands are really freezing!\"\nShe looks at him and says. For crying out loud,... don't your ears ever get cold?!?!?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2315,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2316,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A guy went into this bar and saw this man with a shrunken head. Amazed, he goes up to him and asks how it happened.\"I was a sailor who was shipwrecked on an deserted island\" he replies. \"When I was on the island, I saw this woman who looked like she was drowning, so I saved her. She turned out to be this beautiful enchanted mermaid and she offered me three wishes as payment. My first wish was to get off the island and back home. No sooner than I asked did we end up back at my house. My next wish was for money. The next thing you know, my house was filled with bills of all denominations. I couldn't have been happier. When she reminded me of my final wish, all I could think of was how beautiful she was. I wished to make love to her.She told me that it was impossible, seeing how she was a mermaid and all. So I said 'Well, how about a little head?'\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2317,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, \"This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest members and Polish men have the biggest diameter members. \nBy the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?\" \"Tonto Stempowski, nice to meet you.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2318,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he began to flail about as he tried to speak. Being unable to do so, he then motioned frantically for something to write on.\n\nThe priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, \"Do you have something you would like to say?\" \n\nFred nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen. \"I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note, and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside.\"\n\nGathering his last ounce of strength, Fred took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, he died.\n\nThe pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife.\n\nSeveral days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died.\n\n\"You know,\" he said, \"Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it yet, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.\" He unfolded the note and proceeded to read aloud,\n\n\"YOU'RE STANDING ON THE OXYGEN TUBE!!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 2319,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?Because he didn't have the guts.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2320,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "There was this guy who decided he wanted to live with his gay friends in a nudest colony and so he up and quit his job, and moved. He was really happy until he got a letter from his grandma. She told him he was about to die and wanted a picture of him. He got his friend to take a picture of him, and sice he had no clothes, he cut the picture in half. A few weeks later he received another letter from his grandma telling him he needed to get a haircut because it made his nose look long.... he soon realized he had sent her the wrong half.",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2321,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The Great Irish Inventions:The Helicopter Ejector Seat;Windscreen Wipers for a Submarine;Inflatable Dart Board;Concrete Rescue Dingy.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2322,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There's this English couple, Irish couple and Scottish couple playing golf.The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. \"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?\" her husband demanded. \"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any.\" The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,\"For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear.\"Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. \"Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?\" She replies, \"I can't afford any on the money you give me.\" He reaches into his pocket and says, \"For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!\" Lastly, the Scotsman's wifebends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. \"Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?\" She too explains, \"You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any.\" The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, \"For the sake of decency here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2323,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, \"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless.\" With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, \"Momma needs a new pair of pants!\" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. \"YES! I WIN! I WIN!\" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, \"What did she roll anyway?\" The other answers, \"I thought YOU were watching!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2324,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An old Chinese couple is lying in bed late one night. The Old man turns to his wife and says, \"I want 69!\"The old women looks confused, and then asks, \"Why you want beef and broccoli now?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2325,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife \"Mother of Six\" in spite of her objections. \nOne night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. \nHe shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?\" \nHis wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretionshouts back... \"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2326,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2327,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "According to research 80% of the poplation can't do simple maths.Good news for us brainboxes,the other 10%.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2328,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde?A rooster says cock-a-doodle-do and a blonde says any-cockle-do!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2329,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Did you know that 18 out of 10 people don't understand fractions?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2330,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Have you heard about the amazing new discovery? It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who suffer from splitting headaches.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2331,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, \"Hi hon,\" he says. \"How do you like your new phone?\" She replies, \"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though.\" \"What's that, baby?\" asks the husband. \"How did you know I was at WalMart?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2332,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a \"code\" to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: \"MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE\" Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: \"Satisfaction to the last drop...\" So, Mother is happy. Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: \"ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES\". So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: \"FULL SIZE, KING SIZE\" And Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: \"BRITISH AIRWAYS\" And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: \"THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2333,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A man moved to an unfamaliar area and was very lonely.So he decides to buy some pets.He went walking into town and noticed a man selling chickens.He went up to the man and said:\n\"I'll take one hen and one rooster.\"\nThe man gladly sold him the birds but warned:\n\"Sure sir, but just be advised we call them cocks and pullets around here, not roosters and hens.\"\nThe man joyfully left with his two new pets and decided to buy one more.So he came up to a man selling donkeys. \n\"I'll take that donkey\" he said, pointing a particularly healthy looking donkey.\n\"Sure sir, but first of all we call them asses around here, not donkeys, and this particular one is pecuilar.She will stop walking after a while, but if she does, just scratch her on the back and she will start back up again.\"\nSo the man bought the donkey and went on his way home.Sure enough, the donkey stopped walking after a while.The man had his hands full with the birds, so he couldn't scratch her.Luckily, a woman walked by.The man looked at her and smiled saying:\n\"Will you please hold my cock and pull it while I scratch my ass!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2334,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "There was this Scotsman who took a well deserved vacation in the German city of Hamburg. Since Hamburg is very known for having many whorehouses, the Scotsman decided he should pay one a visit.\nHe finally arrived at one of the local pleasure houses, the Scotsman started arguing about the price for a good lay. The Scots are as you probably know, not known as big spenders. Finally the madame got tired of arguing and told the Scotsman to go down in the basement where a girl would be lying. For this he only had to pay 5 DM. The Scotsman, of course, became very happy and went down in the basement which was very dark, but he found his lay in the end.After about twenty minutes the Scotsman came up from the basement and the madame asked him about his experience. The Scotsman replied that girl was okay, but she spat in his face every time he was jumping her bones.The Madame then turned and shouted: \"Janitor, the corpse in the basement is full.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2335,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "what do a blonde and railroad track's have in common?they both been laid all over the country",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2336,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An Englishman, a New Zealander and a South African walk into a bar for a drink. The Kiwi orders a round of Tequila Slammers for the group.They slam and down their drinks in one.The Kiwi then picks the glasses up in one hand and throws them in the air. He draws a pistol and shoots the three glasses before they hit the ground.The Englishman asks \"Why did you do that?\"The Kiwi replies that because they have so much sand in New Zealand it's easy making glasses so they never have to use the same one twice.The South African then orders three Tequila Slammers and they each slam and down their drink.The South African then picks the glasses up, throws them in the air, draws his gun and shoots them before they hit the ground.The Englishman asks why he did it and like the Kiwi explains that there is so much sand in South Africa that glass can be easily made which means never having to drink out of the same glass twice.So the Englishman orders three Tequila Slammers. Each one duly is slammed and downed. The Englishman then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi and the South African.A man runs up and asks \"Why the hell did you shoot them?\" He replies \"Well I'm from Earls Court where there are thousands of 'em. So it means I never have to drink with the same ones twice.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2337,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, \"Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.\" Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.The father said, \"Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.\" Well, a couple of days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asked him why he was leaving and the boy said, \"Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!\"",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 2338,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates.St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.Freddie says \"I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be\"\"Pretty good, Fred\" said St Peter, \"what about you Gianni?\"Versace says, \"I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place\"\"Not bad\" says St Peter. \"What about you Di?\"Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.\"Excellent, you're in\" says St Peter\"Hold on a f*cking minute\" says Freddie \"She didn't even say anything\"\"Bo!!ocks, Fred you know the rules\" says St Peter, \"A royal flush beats a pair of Queens every time....\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2339,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Why do blondes wear red lipstick?Because green means stop",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2340,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An American couple was sitting outside a souvenir shop in the desert,\nwaiting for their tour bus. A local salesman approached them. After an\nimpassioned sales pitch yielded no results, the salesman eyed the wife\nthoughtfully.\n\n\"I'll give you 100 camels for your wife,\" he offered.\n\nThe husband looked stunned, and there was an awkward silence. Finally\nhe replied, \"She's not for sale.\"\n\n\"What took you so long to answer?\" the wife cried indignantly as soon\nas the salesman left.\n\n\"Well,\" her husband replied, \"I was trying to figure out how to get 100\ncamels back home.\"",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 2341,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "What sex position produces the ugliest babies?Ask your mum!",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2342,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little colour for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburned on his\"tool of trade\".\nBeing very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation.\nThe blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young Man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up.\nAfter several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused, went to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief from his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his unit immersed in a glass of milk. Baffled, the blonde exclaimed, \"So, THAT'S how you load those things!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2343,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "How many Penecostals does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\nFive - one to screw in the lightbulb and four to pray against the power of darkness!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2344,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde had just bought two horses but she couldn\u2019t tell them apart. She went and asked a neighbour for some help \"I can't tell these horses apart\" she said.The neighbour told her to cut the tail of one of them off. So the blonde cut off the tail, and that worked great until the other one got it's tail cut off too. So, the blonde goes and tells the neighbour \"I can\u2019t tell them apart again!\u201d.Well says the neighbour \u201cTry cutting off the tip of one of the horses ears.\u201d So the blonde cuts off the tip of the ear. That also worked great until the other one got a part of it's ear cut off. The Blonde goes back to the neighbour and tells him what happened. The neighbour says well measure them that will work for sure. It worked a treat since the white one was 6 inches taller than the black one!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2345,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There was a really clever blonde, Tinkerbell, Santa Claus and a really clever brunette all in a competition to win a million Pounds. The question is \"Which one won it?\"The really clever brunette cos none of the others exist.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2346,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read: RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:\n1. WON'T BEAT ME UP \n2. WON'T RUN AWAY \n3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, 'Who are you and what do you want?' 'Hi,' said the man 'Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away.' \nThe old woman asked, 'What makes you think you're so great in bed?' To which he replied, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 2347,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at herand says,\"Kin ya swaller?\" The woman shakes herhead, no. \"Kin ya breathe?\" \nThe woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the backof her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboywalks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. \nHis partner says, \"Ya know, I'd heard of that there \"Hind Lick maneuver\", but I ain't never seen nobody do it before.\"",
"category": "State Jokes",
"id": 2348,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "There was this king who had a daughter he must marry off. But he could not because everything the princess touched melted. The king then decided to hold a competition of knights. Whoever brought in something that the princess could not melt would be the one to marry her.\nThe first knight brought in the hardest diamond in the world. The princess touched it and it melted. \nThe second knight brought in the finest sword made of the hardest iron. The princess touched it and it melted.\nThe third knight entered the room. He told the princess to reach into his pocket to see what he had for her. She did so and gasped aloud.What was inside his pocket??\nM&M's---melt in your mouth not in your hand.\nWhat were you thinking, pervert.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2349,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,\n\"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?\"When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. \"God Almighty!!\" shouted Mary and the teacher said, \"Very good\", and Mary fell back asleep.A while later the teacher asked Mary, \"Who is our Lord and Savior?\" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. \"Jesus Christ!!\" shouted Mary and the teacher said, \"Very good\", and Mary fell back asleep.Then the teacher asked Mary a third question.\n\"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?\" And again Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, \"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!!\" The teacher fainted.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2350,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A woman went to a tattoo parlor. The artist was curious at her unsual request: A turkey on one leg and a ham on the other. The woman looked at the artist and said\"My husband complains there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!\"",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 2351,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "There was a construction foreman looking for laborers, he posted an add in the local newspaper a short time later a stout Norweigan man named Bjorn showed up an said \"Herlo job foreman sir, when do I start the yob?\".Knowing the Norweigan was probably dumb as a post he decided to test the lad so he told the man \"without using any numbers I want you to make nine\" the Norweigan looked around and picked up a stick and proceeded to draw three trees in the dirt, \"there ya go job foreman guy when do I start?\"Annoyed, the forman replied \"How do you figure that makes nine?\" \"Well tree plus tree plus tree makes nine.\",\n\n\"Yeah, okay smart guy,\" retorted the foreman, \"now without using any numbers make ninety nine.\" \n\nSo without skipping a beat, the Norweigan grabbed, a shovel and scooped up some mud and proceeded to drop a dollop of mud on each tree, \"there ya go foreman guy when do I start?\"Infuriated at this point that the man was so quick, he asked \"How's that ninety nine?\"\n\n\"Well ya see, dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree isa ninety nine.\" \n\n\"Make one hundred\" demanded the foreman, positive that there was no way neandrathal Norweigan could oblige. Once again the man used the shovel this time scooping up a pile of dog poop, evenly dropping a bit under each tree, \"OK! job foreman guy, where do you want me to be startin first?\"\"Alright wise-guy, explain how the heck is that to make 100?\" \n\n\"Okay,\" said the witty Norweigan, \"dirty tree and a tird plus dirty tree and a tird plus dirty tree and a tird dat makes 100!\"",
"category": "Ethnic Jokes",
"id": 2352,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb??A: 2, but don't ask me how they got in there!!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2353,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "On the local rock radio station the DJ was reading out some requests.\n\n\"This is a special birthday dedication to Sarah who's one hundred and eleven!\"\n\nPuzzled by how someone could be that old and listening to rock music, he re-read the message on the sheet of paper in front of him, and then said \"Oh, sorry, I read that wrong; it's a special birthday dedication to Sarah who's ill.\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2354,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A nerdy-looking fellow shuffled timidly into the sales manager's\noffice. \"I don't suppose you want to buy any life insurance?\" he\nasked hesitantly.\n\n\"No, I don't.\"\n\n\"That's what I figured. Well, thanks anyway.\" And he turned and made\ngratefully for the door.\n\n\"Hang on a sec, young man,\" the executive called out. \"You know,\nI've worked with salespeople all my life, and I have to say that was\nthe most pathetic sales pitch I've ever encountered. You have to\nhave confidence, my boy. Shoulders back, look the customer in the\neye, believe in yourself! In fact, just to give you a little boost,\nI'll give you a sale right now. Write me up for that policy after\nall.\"\n\n\"Thank you, sir, ever so much,\" said the salesman gratefully,\npresenting him with the papers. The sales manager signed with a\nflourish. \"And now that you're feeling more confident, you should\nlearn some tricks of the trade.\"\n\n\"Quite right sir, good idea,\" said the salesman, grinning; \"Always\nuseful. Actually, the one I used just now is for sales managers.\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 2355,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A budding actor: \"Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a , I play the part of a man who has been maried for 25 years.\"\nFather: \"That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2356,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There are three blondes walking through the woods, and they come upon a set of tracks.The first blonde says \"Those are deer tracks.\"The second blonde says \"No, those are bear tracks.\"The third blonde says \"You are both wrong, those are moose tracks.\"Then the get hit by a train.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2357,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "An architect, an artist and an Accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there.The Accountant guy said \"I like both.\"\"Both?\" The others asked. The Accountant guy replied \"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2358,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: \"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.\" The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, \"See! That was more than 5 times a month!\" The second bull is to be sold: \"Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.\" Again the wife bugs her husband, \"Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!\" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: \"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!\" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, \"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!\" The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, \"Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2359,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call a woman with half a brain? A: Gifted",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2360,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A duck walks into a bar and says, \"Got any bread?\"\nThe barman says \"No.\"\nThe duck says,\"Got any bread?\"\nThe barman says \"NO!\"\n\"Got any bread?\"\n\"I said N-O, NO!\"\n\"Got any bread?\"\n\"For crying out loud - N-O spells NO, and I mean NO!\"\n\"Got any bread?\"\n\"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO\"\n\"Got any bread?\"\n\"Look, if you ask me one more f**king time if I have got any bread, I'm going to nail your f**king beak to the f**king bar!\"\n\"Got any nails?\"\n\"No\"\n\"Got any bread?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2361,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A Jewish man moved into a strict Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics practically went crazy. While they were eating fish, the Jew was in his backyard barbecuing steaks. So, the Catholics finally decided to try and convert the Jew to Christianity. Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeeded. They took the Jew to a priest who sprinkled holy water on him and said, \"Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic.\" The Catholics were ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening! But the following Friday, the scent of barbecued steak wafted through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rushed to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They found him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipped in a glass of water. He sprinkled water over the meat, saying, \"Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2362,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Two men are standing before a judge. Both men were arrested on the same day and given the assignment to devise a program to prevent others from committing crimes. After spending two days in jail they were ask to present their ideas to the judge.The first man holds up a poster displaying two circles,one smaller than the other. He points to the small circle and says, \"This is the amount of citizens who do not commit crimes. Then, pointing to the larger circle he explains \"This is the amount that do. I will tell people if they commit crimes they will have to endure an overcrowded jail.\"The second man grabs the poster and pointing to the smaller circle says, \"I'll tell men this is your butt before jail.\"Then he points to the large circle saying.\"This is it after.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2363,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A man went to church to confess to the priest.The priest says,\"what do you need to confess?\" The man tells him,\"well during the war I hid a German lady in my closet and they never found her.\" The priest say,\"well that's alright you saved her life, do you have anything else to confess?\" The man tells the priest,\"yes, I told her the only way I would hid her is only for sexual favors.\" The priest tells him,\"You know you did wrong there, right.\" The man says,\"yes.\"\nThe priest ask him,\"is that all?\" The man says,\"no,I need to ask you a question.\" The preist says,\"what is it?\" The man says to the priest,\"Do I have to tell her the war is over?\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2364,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Three ducks go to heaven.The first duck waddles up to St. Peter and St. peter asks \"What happened, you know, how did you die?\"\nThe duck replies, \"I was just minding my own buisness, floatin' along in the water, i stuck my head under, started blowin' bubbles and a boat ran over my back.\"\nSt. Peter lets him into heaven.\nThe second duck walks up and St peter asks the duck the same question, \"What happened?\" \nThe duck replies, \"Same thing here, i was just minding my ouwn buisness, floatin' in the water, stuck my head under the water, started blowin' bubbles, then a boat runs over my back.\"\nSt. Peter lets him into heaven.\nThe third duck walks up and St. Peter asks, \"Let me guess, a boat ran you over?\"\nThe duck shakes his head and replies, \"Nope, I'm Bubbles\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2365,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.\nOne day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, \"It's not a ship.\"\nThe speck gets a little closer and he thinks, \"It's not a boat.\"\nThe speck gets even closer and he thinks, \"It's not a raft.\"\nThen, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, \"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?\". \"Ten years!\" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, \"Man, oh man! Is that good!\" \nThen she asks, \"How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?\". He replies, \"Ten years!\"\nShe reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.\nHe takes a long swig and says, \"Wow, that's fantastic!\"\nThen she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, \"And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?\" And the man replies, \"My God! Don't tell me you've got an internet connection in there!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2366,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. \nOne day, she spoke about her problem with a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, \"There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.\" \"That doesn't matter,\" replied the blonde, \"as long as I can sell the car.\" \"Okay,\" said the brunette. \"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be problem to sell it anymore.\"\nThe following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.\nAbout one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, \"Did you sell your car?\" \"No,\" replied the blonde, \"why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2367,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Paddy and Seamus were flying to the U.S.A. in a jumbo jet when an hour into the flight they heard this message: beep beep \"this is your captain speaking we have just lost one of our four engines. Do not be alarmed this plane is fully equipped to fly us to america on only three engines but we will be delayed for 20 minutes\" \nAn hour later they heard beep beep \"this is your captain speaking, another one of the engines have cut out. Do not be alarmed because this plane is fully equiped to fly to america on only two engines but it means we will be delayed a further hour\" This was fine with paddy and seameus and they went to sleep. \nAn hour later they were awakened by beep beep \"this is your captain speaking we have lost a third of our four engines. Do not be alarmed this plane is fully equiped to fly to america on only one engine though our total delay time will be 3 hours 30 minutes\" Paddy then turned to seameus and said \"I hope the other one doesn't go or we'll be up here all night!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2368,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Woodworm strolls into a pub and asks \"Is the bar tender here\"?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2369,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, \"My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free.\" The second man said, \"My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.\" The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, \"My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.\"\nThe fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, \"We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?\" The fourth man replied, \"Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2370,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realised that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, \"Do you notice anything different about me?\" And the gentleman answered, \"Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears.\"Merv got very angry and threw him out.The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, \"Do you notice anything different about me?\" and she replied: \"Well, you have no ears.\"Merv again was upset and tossed her out.The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:\"Do you notice anything different about me?\" And to his surprise, the young man answered: \"Yes. You wear contact lenses.\" Merv was shocked, and said, \"What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?\"The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, \"Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2371,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Harold is 82 and having some prostate problems.After examining him, the doctor gives him a specimen jar and says, \"Take this home with you, and try toproduce a semen specimen. Stop by tomorrow and drop it off so I can run a few tests.\"Harold takes the jar and heads home.The next day, Harold comes in and asks to speak with the doctor.When he is taken into the office, the doctor asks how hemade out.\"Not good, Doc.\" Says Harold.\"I went home and tried to do what you said. I tried with my right hand 'til it was cramped from the arthritis...no luck. I tried with my left hand, until I had blisters...still no luck. \"Then I asked my wife to help me out, so she tried with her left hand and then with her right hand...no luck. She even tried with her mouth. She tried with her teeth in, and she tried with her teeth out...still no luck.\"Then we called Edna, next door, to see if she could help...\" \"Good Grief man!\" exclaimed the doctor,\"You asked your next door neighbour to help you?\"\"Yep.\" Says Harold, \"Couldn't none of us get the lid off that jar.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2372,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man goes to his doctor complaining of bad headaches.His doctor says, \"We just got this new machine.You take a urine sample and feed it into the machine, and it tells you everything that is wrong with you.\"\nThinking this is pretty amazing, the man gives a sample and the doctor feeds it into the machine.It spits out a piece of paper, which the doctor reads.\"According to this, you have tennis elbow.\"\n\"But there's nothing wrong with my elbow,\" the man replies. \"It's my head\".\nThe doctor gives him a specimen cup and tells him to bring in a new sample the next day, and they will try again.\nWhen he gets home, the man is angry and thinks to himself, \"I'll show that doctor.\"\nSo he takes the dipstick from his car and puts some oil in the cup.When his wife and daughter get home, he has each of them urinate in the cup, then he finishes by \nThe next day he goes back to the doctor and hands him the specimen.The doctor feeds it into the machine, then reads the printout.\n\"Well, what does it say?\", the man asks,laughing.\n\"According to this,\"the doctor replies,\"your car needs an oil change, your wife has crabs, your daughter is pregnant, and your tennis elbow won't get better if you keep",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 2373,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, \"Your first job will be to sweep out the store.\"\"But I'm a college graduate,\" the young man replied indignantly.\"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that,\" said the manager. \"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how.\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 2374,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.\nAt about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. \n\"Is this the vet?\" asked an elderly lady's voice.\n\"Yes, it is,\" replied the vet, \"Is this an emergency?\"\n\"Well, sort of,\" said the elderly lady, \"There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?\"\nThere was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, \"Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone.\"\n\"Really?\" said the elderly lady, \"Will that stop them?\"\n\"Well, it should,\" said the vet, \"It stopped ME!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2375,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "What do you call a hooker-chauffer service?A screwdriver.",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2376,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says: \"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.\" The husband,rejected, turns over. \nA few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. \"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2377,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Diner: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?Waiter: Look's like the backstroke sir!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2378,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A wife was complaining to her husband, about how less fortunate she was with her breast size. She wanted bigger boobs.\nHer husband simply replied: \"Rub some toliet paper on your chest, it worked with your butt\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2379,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell her that he had to 'work late' and she said, 'no problem.' After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife? He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog. Ispired, he fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed,' Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!'His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, 'That's nothing, look at what he did to my breasts!'",
"category": "Marriage",
"id": 2380,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, \"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless.\" With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, \"Momma needs a new pair of pants!\" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. \"YES! I WIN! I WIN!\" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, \"What did she roll anyway?\" The other answers, \"I thought YOU were watching!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2381,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. \nHe said, \"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' So, she did, and said, 'These are too big,I can't wear them.'So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will.'Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.\" \n\"Hmmm,\" said Jack. He thought that might be a good thing to try, so on his honeymoon, Jack took off his trousers and said to Jill, \"Here, try these on.\"\nSo she did and said, \"These are too large, they don't fit me.\" So Jack said,\"Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that.\"\nThen Jill took off her knickers and handed them to Jack and said, \"Here, you try on mine. \"So he did, and said, \"I can't get into your pants.\" So Jill said, \"Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2382,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "Sandie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression - mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sandie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, \"Mama! I have someone for you to meet.\" Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, \"Why the black panties?\" She replies, \"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.\" He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection, on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, \"What's with this...a black condom?\" He replies, \"I'd like to offer my condolences.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2383,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to \"Where do pets come from?\" Adam and Eve said, \"Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.\"\nAnd God said, \"No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.\"\nAnd God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, \"Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.\"\nAnd God said, \"No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.\"\nAnd Dog lived with Adam and Eve and as a companion to them and loved them.\nAnd they were comforted.\nAnd God was pleased.\nAnd Dog was content and wagged his tail.\nAfter a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, \"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.\" \nAnd God said, \"No problem!I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.\"\nAnd God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them.And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.\nAnd Adam and Eve learned humility.\nAnd they were greatly improved.\nAnd God was pleased.\nAnd Dog was happy.\nAnd Cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2384,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "There was this couple who always had sex for twenty years with the light off.\nSo one night the wife says lets have sex with the light on. The husband says \"tomorrow night honey\".\nThat night the wife turns the light on and sees her husband using a cucumber to pleasure her.\nshe screams \"You've been using that thing for twenty years, explain it to me.\"\nSo the husband says \"I will as soon as you explain how we have 4 children!!!!\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2385,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "son:daddy daddy why are we pushing the car over a cliff?\nDad:shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!You'll wake grandma.",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2386,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "TRUE BLONDEA young brunette goes into the doctors office and says that her body hurts whever she touches it.\n\"Impossible\", says the doctor. \"show me\".She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.She pushes her knee and screams, she pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches make her scream.The doctor says, \"Your not really a brunette, are you?\"No, im a blonde, she says.\"I though so\", he says. \"Your finger is broken.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2387,
"rating": 3.2
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call a white guy surounded by indians?A: A bartender.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2388,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "This young boy was playing with a dew worm in the yard.His grandfather watching on the porch, yells out to his grandson:\"I'll give you $5 if you can shove that worm back into the hole\".The boy grabs the slimy, slinky worm and tries to shove it in the hole. After about 5 minutes, the boy runs inside to get a can of hair spray. The young boy sprays the worm stiff, and sticks it in the hole without a problem.The grandfather, amazed, gives the boy a clean crisp 5 dollar bill.The next day, the grandfather goes over to the grandson and hands him another 5 dollar bill, to which the boy enquires \"What's this 5 dollar bill for\"?The grandfather replies, \"Your grandma though it was a pretty good trick too!\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2389,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A couple who's been married for over 20 years were having a fight in the car during a trip for a holiday. After arguing for a moment, they decided to quit talking and silence ruled.Then after a few minutes, they passed some pigs in a farm, all making those horrible noises I don't know what they call it. Anyway, the wife looks at her husband and gives a sinister grin and says, \"Relatives of yours?\"The husband replied \"Yep, in-laws.\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 2390,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.\n\"Hello?\" says the little girl's voice.\n\"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,\" says John. \"Is Mommy near the phone?\"\n\"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred.\" \nAfter a brief pause, John says, \"But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!\"\n\"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!\"\n\"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house.\"\n\"Okay, Daddy!\" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. \"Well, I did what you said, Daddy.\"\n\"And what happened?\"\n\"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.\"\n\"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?\"\n\"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.\"\nThere is a long pause................\n\"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?\u201d",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2391,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.\n\"What are you doing?\" she asked.\"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work,\" the daughter-in-law answered.\"But you're naked!\" the mother-in-law exclaimed.\"This is my love dress,\" the daughter-in-law explained.\"Love dress? But you're naked!\"\"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.\"The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.\nOn the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.\"What are you doing?\" he asked.\"This is my love dress,\" she replied.\"It needs ironing!\" he remarked.",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2392,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend \" My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.\"The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said \" Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2393,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There were these two builders called Pat & Mick who were working on a building site. One day, during their lunchbreak, Pat notices something in Micks lunchbox: \n\"What's that long silver thing in your box Mick\"? \"Oh, that, its my Thermos Flask\" replies Pat \"What' s a Thermos Flask\"? enquires Mick \"It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold\" Pat informs Mick \"That's a marvelous idea\"! says Mick \"You know what, I'm gonna get me one of those\" The next day Pat spots Micks shiny new Thermos flask and says to Mick \n\"I see you got one then\" \"Oh Yeah,\" says Mick \"What have you got in it then\"? asks Pat \"Well I've got Tea and a Chock Ice!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2394,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food. \n\"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown.\" \nThe man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient. \"Well, how is that duck of yours?\" the Doctor inquires. \"He's dead.\" declared the heartbroken man. \"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?\" insisted the Doctor. \"No.\" lamented the man. \"I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2395,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There were three women speeding dowm a country road. One was a brunette, another a redhead, and the third a blonde. A cop saw them speeding and put on his siren. The three girls pulled over, got out of the car and each climbed up a different tree to hide.The cop pulled over and tried to find them. He came to the tree where the brunette was and shook it. The brunette said \"CAW! CAW!\" \"Oh it must be a crow.\" he thought.Next he came to the tree where the redhead was hiding.\"Tweet tweet!\" she said. \"Oh it must be a sparrow\" he thought.Then he came to the tree where the blonde was hiding.The cop shook the tree and the response was \"Moooo!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2396,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowupBackup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (S)oil pantsBackup not found: A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?Backup not found: A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2397,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "\"You're hitting the woods well today, pitty you can't stay out of them!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2398,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, \"I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it\" A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, \"Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!\" The young man waited a moment and replied, \"You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.\" His father replied, \"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2399,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, \"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it it would taste better if you bought one at a time.\"The Irishman replies, \"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.\" The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, \"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.\" The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. \"Oh, no,\" he says, \"everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2400,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?Because men refuse to ask for directions!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2401,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2402,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Walking his blonde date to the front door, Keith said to her, \"Will I see you pretty soon?\"\"What's the matter,\" she asked, hurt. \"Don't you think I'm pretty now?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2403,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The blind man was out walking with his Seeing Eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head. Having watched what happened, a passerby said, \"Say, why are you patting him?That dog just peed on your leg!\"\"I know,\" said the blind man, \"but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt. \"",
"category": "Blind Jokes",
"id": 2404,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise, took his shotgun downstairs, and pointed the gun at the burglar. He then said gently, \"Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2405,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Professor Papp, turning to woman: Can you believe that the trustees named someone so ugly to be our new dean?Woman: I beg your pardon!Do you know who I am?I'm that ugly man's wife!Professor Papp: And do you know who I am?Woman: No, I haven't had the \"pleasure. \"Professor: Good, then my job's still safe.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2406,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A blowhard Air Force major was promoted to colonel and received a brand-new office. His first morning behind the desk, an airman knocked on the door and asked to speak to him. After telling him to come in, the colonel felt an urge to impress the young airman, so he picked up his phone and said, \"Yes, General, I'll get that to the President immediately. Goodbye, sir. \"Then, turning to the airman, he barked, \"Now what do you want?\"\"Nothing important,\" the airman said, \"I just came to install the telephone. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2407,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside. \"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,\" he said. \"I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within. \"The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, \"I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000. \"The doctor then said, \"I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000. \"The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, \"Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount\u0085\"",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 2408,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "\"As you can see, class,\" said the medical school professor pointing to an X-ray, \"this patient limps because his left fibia and tibula are both radically arched. Johnson\u0085what would you do in this case?\"\"Well, ma'am,\" said the student, \"I suppose I'd limp, too. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2409,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man dropped by his friend's house to pay him a visit and was amazed to see him playing a game of chess with his dog. After a few minutes he burst out with, \"That's the most incredible dog I've ever seen!\"\"Oh he isn't so smart,\" was the answer. \"I've beaten him three games out of four.",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2410,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. \"Who is it?\"\"Blind man,\" came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, \"Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2411,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "After examining his patient, he informed Mr. Jones, \"I'm afraid you only have two months left to live. Do you have any requests?\"\"Yes, I'd like a second opinion. \"\"Fine. I also think you're ugly as sin. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2412,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The prominent middle-aged attorney was walking in the woods when he heard a booming voice from above say, \"You are going to live to be 100. \" That must be God speaking, the attorney thought. Immediately he began doing good deeds, figuring out that he now had ample time to make amends in order to enter Heaven. But as he left the homeless shelter where he had just volunteered an hour of his services, he was hit by a bus and killed. Coming face to face with God, the attorney protested, \"You promised me I was going to live to be 100. Instead, the very first day I did a good deed, I got hit by a bus and here I am. Why?\"\"I didn't recognize you,\" replied God.",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2413,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "\"Joe,\" a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, \"do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?\"\"Like,\" the young teen replied, \"uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it. \"\"It's English class, isn't it?\" replied the smiling teacher.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2414,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "\"This little computer,\" said the sales clerk, \"will do half of your job for you. \"Studying the machine, the senior VP said, \"Fine, I'll take two. \"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 2415,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Flight attendant: I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. Jones, but we accidentaly left your wife back in Chicago. Man: Thank goodness!I thought I was going deaf!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2416,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "One day, the owner of a very large daily newspaper company walked down the halls and greated one of his workers, \"Jones, how long have you been working here?\"Jones replied, \"Ever since I heard you coming down the hall. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2417,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $800. The doctor exclaimed, \"This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!\" The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, \"Neither did I when I was a doctor. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2418,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. \"In English,\" he said, \"A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. \"A voice from the back of the room piped up, \"Yeah, right. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2419,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": ">A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs. \"The cup holder on my computer broke!I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!\"The employee was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him. . . he'd never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders. So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. \"Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it. . . \"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 2420,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "There once was a redneck who decided to buy a chain saw. A logging foreman sold him one that he guaranteed would cut down 15 trees in a single day. A week later, a very unhappy redneck cam back to report that the saw must be faulty. He only cut one tree per day. The foreman grabbed the saw, pulled the cord, and the saw promptly went \"Bzzzzzzzz. \"\"Hey,\" demanded the redneck, \"what's that noise?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2421,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "\"I caught a 250-pound marlin the other day!\"\"That's nothing. I was fishing the other day and hooked a lamp from an old Spanish ship. In fact, the light was still lit!\"\"If you bow out the light, I'll take 200 pounds off the marlin. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2422,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, \"Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in connection to this, I'd like everyone to read the Mark 17. \"On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, \"Now then, all of you who have done as requested and read Mark 17, please raise your hands. \"Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher, \"You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2423,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Man: Do you serve breakfast here?Waitress: Sure; what'll it be?\"Man:Let me have watery eggs\u0085some burnt toast\u0085and some weak coffee, lukewarm. Waitress: Whatever you say, sir. Man: Now, are you doing anything while that order is going through?Waitress: Why\u0085no, sir. Man: Then sit here and nag me a while\u0085I'm feeling homesick.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2424,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. \"Who is it?\"\"Blind man,\" came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, \"Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2425,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A duck hunter, proud of his markmanship, took his son out one morning to witness his skill. After some time a lone duck flew by. \"Watch this,\" whispered the dad, as he took aim and carefully fired. The duck flew serenely on. \"My boy,\" said the hunter, \"you are witnessing a great miracle. There flies a dead duck. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2426,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "One day, the lawyer decided to get away from the pressures of lying to people and go skiing for a week. Just as luck would have it, a few moments after he had just started skiing, he heard a rumbling. In a few seconds he saw a huge mass of snow rushing towards him. Luckily, he was right by a cave and was able to jump in before the snow could get him. Even more luckily, he happened to have some matches with him and was able to start a fire. Back at the resort, people realized that the lawyer had not returned, so a rescue team was sent out in search of him. After a few hours of searching, the team saw smoking coming from within the snow. One dug down and poked his head inside and said, \"Are you there Mr. Jacobson? This is the Red Cross. \"Bristling, the lawyer called back, \"Get lost!I gave at the office!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2427,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, \"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!\" The panda yells back at the bartender, \"Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!\" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: \"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2428,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, \"Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun that bear!\"\"I don't have to,\" the first lawyer replied. \"I only have to outrun you. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2429,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A speaker was having a little trouble getting started in his speech. All of the sudden someone from the audience shouted: \"Tell 'em everything you know. It will only take a mintue. \"\"I'll tell e'm what we both know,\" shot back the speaker. \"It won't take any longer. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2430,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "While cruising at nearly forty thousand feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. \"My gosh!\" he screamed, \"one of the engines just blew up!\"Other passengers left their seats and cam running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a frenzy now, and even the flight attendant couldn't maintain order. Just then, the tall, smiling pilot came out from the cockpit and assured everyone that things would be okay. His words and his demeanor seemed to calm most of the passengers who sat back down while the captain slowly made his way to the back. He then, calmly took a few packages out from under some seats and handed them to the flight attendants . Each crew member slipped the pack on their backs. \"Say!\" spoke an alert passenger. \"Aren't those parachutes?\"The captain nodded and said they were. The passenger went on, \"But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about!\"\"Their isn't,\" replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. \"We're going to get help. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2431,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Young Father O'Reilly, newly ordained, was to hear his first confessions. Anxious to get his ministry off on the right foot, he asked the experienced Father McMartin to sit in and critique his handling of the assignment. At the end of the day the two clergymen sat in the rectory and reviewed O'Reilly's performance. \"Not bad,\" McMartin said, with a catch in his voice. Weighing his words with care, he went on, \"But there is one thing. In the future, I think you should make an effort to say 'I understand' instead of 'Oh, wow!'\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2432,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to see him. . . when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight.He replied that he was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, \"Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?\"He replied, \"I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field. \"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 2433,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man sought medical aid because he had popped eyes and a ringing in his ears. A doctor looked him over and suggested removal of his tonsils. The operation resulted in no improvement, so the patient consulted another doctor who suggested removal of his teeth. The teeth were pulled, but still, his eyes kept popping and his ears still rang. A third doctor told him bluntly, \"You have 6 months to live. \"In that event, the doomed man decided he'd treat himself in the remaining time he had here on Earth. He bought a nice, new car, hired a chauffeur, and had the best tailor in town make him 30 new suits. Then he decided that even his shirts would be made-to-order. \"Okay,\" said the shirtmaker, \"let's get your measurement. Hmm\u0085. 34 sleeve, 16 collar\u0085\"\"Fifteen,\" the man interrupted. \"Sixteen collar,\" the shirtmaker repeated, measuring again. \"But I've always worn a 15 collar,\" said the man. \"Listen,\" the shirtmaker said, \"I'm warning you. You keep on wearing a 15 collar, and your eyes will pop and your ears will ring. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2434,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Professor: If there are any idiots in the classroom, please stand up. There was a long pause, then a lone freshman stood up in the back. Professor: So you consider yourself an idiot?Freshman: Well, not exactly. I just hated seeing you being the only one standing.",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 2435,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "My arm started to hurt me so I asked a doctor to examine it. She looked at my arm and brought out a medical book and studies it for about 10 minutes. Then she said to me, \"Have you ever had that pain before?\"I nodded yes. \"Well, you've got it again. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2436,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "The airline company was disturbed over a high percentage of accidents and decided to eliminate the possibility of human errors by building a completely automated aircraft. \"Ladies and gentlemen,\" came a voice ove the loudspeaker on the plane's maiden voyage, \"it may interest you to know that you are flying on the first, fully automated aircraft in the world. Just sit back and relax, because nothing can possible go wrong. . . go wrong. . . go wrong",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2437,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Girl: Did you kiss me when the lights were out?Boy: No\u0085Girl: It must have been that other boy in the corner. Boy, starting to get up: I'll teach him a thing or two!Girl: You couldn't teach him a thing!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2438,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "At a lecture series a very poor speaker was on the platform. As he was speaking, people began to get up and leave. It continued like this until there was only one person left in the audience. Finally the speaker stopped and asked the man why he stayed until the end. He replied, \"I'm the other speaker. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2439,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "There once was a very happy truck driver that was eating in a diner at night. Three motorcyclists came and and proceeded to pick on the truck driver by pouring pepper and salt all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. The truck driver didn't do anything, just stood up, paid his check, and left the diner. \"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter,\" said one of the cyclists. The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, \"He doesn't seem like much of a driver either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2440,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "A teacher came home and slumped in his favorite chair with a dicouraged look. His wife asked hime what was wrong. \"You know those aptitude tests we're giving at the school?Well, I took one today for fun. It's a good thing I'm the teacher. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2441,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Newsboy: Extra, extra!Read all about it-two men swindled. Man:Give me one. Say, there isn't anything about two men being swindled. Newsoy: Extra, extra!Three men swindled.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2442,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "There were three men in a boat halfway across a lake. The first man suddenly said, \"I forgot my lunch. \"He then got out of the boat and proceeded to walk to shore on top of the water. Later, the second man got up and said, \"I forgot my fishing tackle,\" and walked across the water to the shore. By this time, the third man thought to himself, \"They're not going to outsmart me. \"He then said aloud, \"I forgot my bait can,\" and started to walk across the water\u0085but he soon sank. The first man said to the second, \"Do you suppose we should have told him were the rocks are?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2443,
"rating": 1.67
},
{
"body": "A timid little man in a restaurant carefully touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. \"Excuse me,\" he said, \"but do you happen to be Mr. Smith?\"\"No, I'm not!\" the man answered impatiently. \"Oh. . . er. . . well,\" stammered the first man, \"you see, I am, and that's his overcoat you're putting on. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2444,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. \"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds. \"When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. \"Why, that's amazing!\" the doctor says. \"Did you follow my instructions?\"The blonde nods. \"I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. \"\"From hunger, you mean?\"\"No, from skipping. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2445,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Wife: When we were younger you used to nibble on my ear. (The husband starts leaving the room. )Wife: Where are you going?Husband: To get my teeth!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2446,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all of the boys would make fun of me. Moe: What did you do?Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2447,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note that said, \"This bill is one year old. \"By return mail, the lawyer received the bill back with a note attached to it, saying: \"Happy Birthday. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2448,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. \"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?\" asked the doctor. \"Sure, after the police leave,\" replied the attorney.",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2449,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, \"I think you are the best teacher I've ever had. \" The chair immediately dumped her on the floor. After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The professor asked him to tell something of his life. He began, \"I think -\" The next thing he knew, he was sitting in the floor.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2450,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, \"Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch on such a hot day, while our boss is sitting in the shade?\"\"I don't know,\" responded the other. \"I'll ask him. \"So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. \"Why are we digging in the host sun while you just sit under the shade of this tree?\"\"Intelligence,\" the boss said. \"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?\"The boss said, \"Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can. \"The ditch-digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss moved his hand just in time and the ditch-digger hit the tree. The boss said, \"That's intelligence!\"The ditch-digger went back to his hole with a soar hand. His friend asked, \"What did he say?\"\"He said we are down here because of intelligence. \"\"What's intelligence?\"said the friend. The ditch-digger put his hand on his face and said, \"Take your shovel and hit my hand.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2451,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The loudspeaker of the big jet clicked on and the captain's voice announced: \"There's no cause for alarm, but we felt you should know that for the last three hours we've been flying without the benefit of radio, compass, radar, or navigational beam due to the breakdown of several important components. So, in the broad sense of the word, we are lost and don't know in which direction we're heading. But I'm sure you'll be glad to know that we're making excellent time though!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2452,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Well, we accidentally amputated the wrong leg. Patient: What's the good news?Doctor: It turns out that your other leg didn't need to be amputated at all.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2453,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde wearing a brown wig walks in a store and says to an employee \"I'd like to buy that TV\". The employee replies \"Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes\", and the blonde leaves the store. The next day, the same blonde walks in wearing a red wig. She says \"I wish to buy that TV\", to which the employee replies again \"Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes\". The blonde leaves the store. . . The next day, the same blonde walks in the store, with her hair dyed in black. She says \"I would like to buy that TV\". The employee replies again \"Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes\". The blonde is totally confused and asks the man, \"I'm sorry, but I've worn a red and brown wig, and now I dyed my hair black, how did you know I am a blonde?\". \"Well\", says the man, \"that's not a TV, it's a microwave. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2454,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "\"Well, how are you getting on with your dating of the banker's daughter?\"\"Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now. \"\"Really, is she beginning to smile sweetly at you or something?\"\"Not exactly, but last night she said that she's said 'no' for the last time. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2455,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, \"Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator. \" \"That's not so bad,\" said the doctor. \"It's a rather harmless complex. \" \"Well, maybe,\" replied the lady. \"But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake along with the chillness. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2456,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A young couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation soon came to Mozart, \"Absolutely brilliant\u0085lovely\u0085oh, a fine fellow\u0085a genius, Mozart was. \"The woman, wanting to get in on the conversation remarked, \"Ah, Mozart. You're so right. It was just this morning that I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to South Padre Island. \"There was a sudden hush and all eyes were turned toward her. The husband pulled her aside and angrily barked, \"We're leaving right now. \"In the car on the way home the wife turned to the husband and said, \"You're really mad about something aren't you?\"\"How could you tell? My goodness! I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to South Padre Island, huh? Everybody knows that the No. 5 Bus doesn't go to South Padre Island!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2457,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "\"Hey Sam!\" exclaimed Jim, meeting a buddy for the first time since the war's end. \"Did you marry that girl you were dating a while back or are you still doing your own cooking and ironing?\"\"Yes,\" replied Sam.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2458,
"rating": 1.67
},
{
"body": "Just before a new redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, \"Count to ten, then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up. \"The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he plummeted to the ground, he said to himself, \"I'll bet that truck won't be there either!\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2459,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. \"Sid,\" asked Al, \"Are there any Jews in China?\" \"I don't know,\" Sid replied. \"Why don't we ask the waiter?\" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, \"Are there any Chinese Jews?\" \"I don't know sir, let me ask,\" the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, \"No, sir. No Chinese Jews. \"\"Are you sure?\" Al asked. \"I will check again, sir. \" the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, \"I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere. \" When the waiter returned he said, \"Sir, no Chinese Jews. \"\"Are you really sure?\" Al asked again. \"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews. \"\"Sir, I ask everyone,\" the waiter replied exasperated. \"We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2460,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Two rednecks had just gone fishing and brought in the largest amount of fish they had ever seen. One said to the other, \"Did you mark the place where the fishing was so good?\"\"Yes, I put an X on the side of the boat. \"\"You idiot. That if we were gonna take a different boat next time?\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 2461,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (160,000km/hr) Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and getsa thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to all this goading, GM responds: \"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?\"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 2462,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, \"Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $15 on the lowest score for the day. \" Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. \"Help me find my ball; you look over there,\" he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. \"I've found my ball!\" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly, \"After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for as little as fifteen bucks?\"\"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here. \"\"And a liar, too!\" Sid says with amazement. \"I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2463,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to see him. . . when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, \"Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?\" He replied, \"I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field. \"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 2464,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "The inmates of a prison had a joke book they all had memorized. The way they recited them was by the number of the joke. Some fellow would call out a number from 1 to 1000 and all would laugh. A new man in the prison, after studying the book, said he wanted to tell a joke. They said, \"Okay, shoot. \"\"He said, \"Number 222,\" but nobody laughed. He said, \"This is funny, why isn't anyone laughing?\"A fellow nearby said, \"Some can tell them and some can't. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2465,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Pilot: Pilot to tower. . . pilot to tower. . . I am 300 miles from land. . . 600 feet high and running out of gas. . . please instruct. . . over. Tower: Tower to pilot. . . tower to pilot. . . Repeat after me. . . \"Our Father, which art in heaven. . . \"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2466,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, \"What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?\" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, \"Mister, what's your name?\" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, \"You tell me buddy! You tell me!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2467,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A village blacksmith working at his open forge hammering a white-hot horeshoe had just finished the shoe and thrown it on the ground to cool. A real wanna-be redneck walked in at just that moment. He picked up the horseshoe and fumbled with it while howling in pain. He then dropped it and tried to regain his composure. \"Pretty hot, eh?\" asked the blacksmith with a chuckle. \"Naw,\" said the redneck. \"It just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2468,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The phone rings at FBI headquarters. \"Hello?\"\"My neighbor John Smith is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed. \"\"We'll take notice of this. \"The next day, the FBI goes to Smith's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, apologize to Smith and finally leave. The phone rings at Smith's house. \"Hello, John! Did the FBI come?\"\"Yes. \"\"Did they break up your firewood?\"\"Yes, they chopped it like crazy. \"\"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed. \"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2469,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A long New Orleans style funeral procession passes by, but instead of a jazz band, it's lead by a man walking a lion. Behind the coffin walk at least 300 people. A bystander asks the man, \"What's going on?\" \"My lion ate my lawyer and this is his funeral,\" is the reply. \"Could I borrow your lion?\" asks the bystander. \"I've got a lawyer I'd like to have eaten. \" \"Sorry, but you'll have to get at the end of that line,\" said the man, pointing to the 300 people following the coffin.",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2470,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Court scene:1st Lawyer: You're a fool2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.Judge: As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2471,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Shame And Glory:A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one \"This is for the shame\", and then the second one \"This is for the glory.\" She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one \"This is for the shame\" and then the second one \"This is for the glory.\" She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her. \"Ma'am, I was just wondering ... what's this shame and glory about?\" \"Well,\" she replies, \"I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind.\" \"That must be the shame,\" the bartender said. \"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2472,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One day a man decides he wants to take up a new hobby. So he goes to a local sports shop and sees a duck hunting magazine and thinks to himself that it would be a challenge. So he goes out and buys all the stuff for duck hunting. The man goes to a remote area and lays his fake ducks out on the pond nearby. He hides in the tall grass and pulls out his duck whistle and starts blowing. All of a sudden there are dozens of ducks flying by and he starts to shoot at them. He does this several times that day. At the end of the day he feels good about his new hobby and starts to look for all the ducks that he shot down. \n\nAfter collecting all the ducks the man heads back to his car and out of nowhere a park ranger appears and says to the man \"hello sir, how are you doing today?\" The man says proudly, with his chest sticking out \"I'm doing great!! It's my first time duck hunting and if you don't mind me saying it was a real challenge, I was even able to bag quite a few ducks today!\" \n\nThe ranger pauses and asks the man if he could see his duck hunting license. \"Sure no problem\" the man says. \"May I take a look at those ducks?\" the ranger says politely \"Sure, they're real beauties....help yourself\" replied the man. So the ranger puts on some gloves and takes out the first duck... he then proceeds to put his finger up the ducks butt. He looks at the man and says \"Hmmmm... this duck is from Montana\". The man is confused and thinks to himself that this ranger is weird. \n\n\nThe ranger asks the man if he has a tag for hunting ducks in Montana on his license. \"No\" the man says nervously. So the ranger says \"I'm sorry but I'm gonna have too give you a $1000 citation\". Upset and confused the man doesn't say anything, he's shocked. So the ranger takes another duck out of the man's bag and again sticks his finger up the ducks butt. \"Hmmmm... this duck is from Florida, do you have a tag for that?\" the ranger says to the man. \n\nThe man turns furiously red and replies \"NO!\" \"Well I guess I'm afraid that's another $1000 citation that I have to issue you.\" the ranger replies. By this time the man is completely baffled and has never heard such bullcrap before. The ranger finally takes the last duck out of the bag and puts his finger up the ducks butt. \"Hmmm... this duck is from Colorado, I suppose you don't have a tag for that either?\" the ranger says to the man. \n\"NOOOO\", shouts the man. \"Well I guess I'm gonna have to give you three citations today sir.\" replies the ranger. As the ranger pulls out his ticket book and starts writing the man's citation, he says to the man, \"You must be new to this area, where are you from?\" The man, steaming mad, pulls his pants down and shouts....\"WHY DON'T YOU PUT YOUR FINGER UP MY BUTT AND FIND OUT!!!\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2473,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. \"Bill, Bill wake up.\" Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, \"Bill, Bill wake up.\" Bill finally wakes up and says, \"What do you want?\" Hillary responds, \"I have to go use the bathroom.\" To which Bill says, \"Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom.\" Hillary says, \"No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2474,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled \"Emergency Repair Kit\". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, \"It's part of my emergency repair kit.\" Josh said, \"I can see that, but why?\" Sally replied, \"In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2475,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A little boy walked in on his mom and dad having sex and the mom was jumpin all over the dad.So the next day the little boy asks his mom what she was doing. She replies with \"Honey, I was jumping because Daddy is fat and needs to lose weight.\"The little boy said \"But Mommy, that won't work because every morning the lady next door comes over and blows him back up!\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2476,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, \"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.\" The man says, \"Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack.\" \"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.\" \"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.\" \"Well, then, we need a urine sample.\" \"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar.\" \"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.\" \"I can't do that, officer.\" \"Why not?\" \"Because I'm drunk.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2477,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first one said, \"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered.\" \"I think librarians are the easiest,\" said the second. \"When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically.\" The third surgeon said, \"I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded.\" \"You're all wrong,\" said, the fourth. \"Lawyers are easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2478,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body that is required on it.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2479,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Jesus SavesJesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, \"Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.\" So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away.They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail.They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming \"It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!\" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate: \"Wait! He must have cheated. How did he do that?\"God shrugged and said, \"Jesus saves.\"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 2480,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, \"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.\" The teacher answered quickly, \"That would be the Titanic.\" St.Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: \"How many people died on the ship?\" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, \"1,228.\" \"That's right!\" St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. \"Name them.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2481,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, \"Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l v-v-vibrators h-here?\"The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, \"Uh, yes ma'am. We do.\"The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, \"D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?\"\"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size.\"Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, \"A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?\"\"Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big.\"\n\"W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2482,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it. The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform! \"Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!\" the supervisor yelled. \"Oh,\" said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, \"It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2483,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Paddy comes home from the pub one night to find his wife in bed with another man. He goes to a drawer and gets a gun. He holds the gun to his head and his wife starts to laugh. Paddy says \"Idon't know what you're laughing at- you're next!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2484,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "End Of The WorldWhen the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2485,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington DC and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2486,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. \"All set back here, Captain,\" came the reply, \"except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2487,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, \"OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now an quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one.\" The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, \"Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!\" \"Fine,\" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer. \"Great move, Einstein\", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. \"Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2488,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a\nnational pager company. He deals with the usual complaints about\npoor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller\ndemanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting\npeople.\n\nThe best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was\nbeing paged by \"Lucille.\" He was instructed that he would have to\ncall her and tell her to stop paging him. \"She never leaves a\nnumber, so I can't call her back,\" he said.\n\nAfter three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was\nLucille if she didn't leave a number.\n\n\"She leaves her name,\" was the reply.\n\nAfter establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the\nlight bulb came on. \"How does she spell her name?\" the service rep\nasked.\n\n\"L-O-W C-E-L-L\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 2489,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2490,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A man enters a bar with his pet giraffe. They both sit down and he orders them some drinks. After a while the man and the giraffe both had a quite a lot to drink. The man feels its time to go home and notices his giraffe passed out on the floor and decides to leave him there. The man starts out the door and the bartender yells at the man, \"Hey you can't leave that lyin' on the floor.\" The man was plastered and laughed and said, \"You idiot, that's not a lion that's a giraffe.\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 2491,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A minister told his congregation, \"Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.\" The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.Every hand went up.The minister smiled and said, \"Mark has only sixteen chapters.I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2492,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as \"4's\"?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2493,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, \"I can't talk, please help me!\" The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, \"Put your member on the table here.\" Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does as he says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris' member with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, \"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!\" Then the doctor says, \"Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2494,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor ask him what happened.\"Well, it was like this,\" said the man. \"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass. That's when I made my mistake.\"\"What did you do?\" ask the doctor.\"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to the Mrs.. \"This one here looks like yours!\"\n\n\nA bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: \"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.\"\"You foul mouthed swine,\" retorted the lady indignantly. \"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!\"\"Hey, coola down lady,\" said the man. \"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2495,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their \"freedom.\" As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, \"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2496,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?About .....35 pounds",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2497,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2498,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: Why is it good that there are female astronauts? A: Because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2499,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "An American and North Korean are bragging about their countries.The American says \"In my country, our technology is so good that we know who will win an election two hours before the polls close!\"The North Korean doesn't blink and says \"Well in my country we know who will win two years before the polls close.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2500,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2501,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper. Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked. On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car. Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: \"I'm going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2502,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. \"I'm afraid I have some very bad news,\" the doctor says. \"You're dying, and you don't have much time left.\" \"Oh, that's terrible!\" says the man. \"How long have I got?\" \"Ten,\" the doctor says sadly. \"Ten?\" the man asks. \"Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!\" \"Nine...\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2503,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argumentabout who was better on his computer. They had been going atit for days, and God was tired of hearing all of thebickering.Finally God said, \"Cool it. I am going to set up atest that will run two hours and I will judge who doesthe better job.\"So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards andtyped away.They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports.They sent faxes. They sent e-mail.They downloaded. Theydid some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did everyknown job. About ten minutes before their time was up,lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rainpoured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satanstared at his blank screen and screamed every curse wordknown in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of themrebooted their computers. Satan started searchingfrantically, screaming \"It's gone! It's all gone! I losteverything when the power went out!\"Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out allof his files from the past two hours. Satan observed thisand became very irate: \"Wait! He must have cheated.How did he do that?\"God shrugged and said, \"Jesus saves.\"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 2504,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty. \"You have been sentenced to death,\" said the Chief, \"but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests.\" The cowboy thought for a minute and said, \"Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse.\" \"Give him his horse,\" said the Chief. The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her. \"Second wish,\" said the Chief. \"I'll need my horse again,\" said the cowboy. \"Give him his horse,\" said the Chief. Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back. The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before. \"This is your last wish,\" said the Chief, \"make it a good one.\" \"I'll need my horse again.\" \"Give him his horse,\" said the Chief. The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his face right up to the horse's. \"You stupid horse, I said POSSE!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2505,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.One drunk says \"I sure wish that sheep were Marilyn Monroe.\" The other says, \"I just wish it were dark.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2506,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you drown a blonde?A: You put a scratch 'n sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2507,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2508,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A moron walks into a bar with a pile of dog crap in his hands and says, \"Hey guys, look what I almost stepped in.\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 2509,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man.When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.After awhile he turned to her and asked \"You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?\"The lady replied \"Of course I do.It is the Bible.\"He said \"Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?She replied \"Oh, Jonah.Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.He asked \"Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?\"The lady said \"Well I don't really know.I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him.\"\"What if he isn't in heaven?\" the man asked sarcastically.\"Then you can ask him.\"replied the lady.",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2510,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "From Actual Church Bulletins",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2511,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Signs You Are \"Webbed Out\" From Using The Web: Your opening line is, \"So what's your home page address?Your best friend is someone you've never met.You see a beautiful sunset and you expect to see \"Enhanced for IE 5.5\" on the clouds.You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.You feel driven to consult the \"Cool Page of the Day\" on your wedding day.You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening toward a flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You frantically search for the \"Back\" button.You visit \"The Really Big Button that doesn't do Anything\" again and again and again.Your dog has his own Web page.So does your goldfish.When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.You find yourself typing \"com\" after every period when using a word processor.comYou turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.You start introducing yourself as \"Jon at I-I Net dot com\"Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.All of your friends have an @ in their names.You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.htmlYour spouse makes a new rule: \"The computer cannot come to bed.\"You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month \"unlimited.\"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 2512,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, \"Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?\" \"Yes, of course,\" said the doctor, \"why not!\" \"Oh! How nice it would be ,\" said the patient with joy, \"I've been illiterate for so long.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2513,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "You may be a redneck if:Your porch collapses and more than six dogs dieYou mow your lawn and find a carYou consider a family reunion as a chance to meet \"Ms. Right\"You grab your boots a jacket and a flashlight to go to the bathroomYour idea of \"safe sex\" is locking the car door",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2514,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, \"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!\"The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2515,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished he panicked and hurried to the emergency room.The Doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day, if no results come back tomorrow. This went on for three days when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The Dr. at his wit's end because he wasn't able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand. The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said rub it very gently on his member before he when to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions. The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and Doctor and thanked them for all they're help. As the man left, the Dr. turned to the nurse and asked what was the miracle lotion? The nurse smiled and replied, \"Lip stick remover.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2516,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, \"It's all right, I've had a course in first aid.\" The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, \"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2517,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing \"Happy Birthday\".",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2518,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2519,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "You might be a Redneck if you see a sign that says, \"Say no to crack\" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2520,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. \"What are those for?\" she asked suspiciously. \"I'm a juggler,\" the man replied. \"I use those in my act.\" \"Well, show me,\" the officer requested. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, \"My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2521,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2522,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?When they get flipped on their back, they're screwed!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2523,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The Seven Dwarfs Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says,\"Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!\" Everyone gets all excited and chants, \"We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.\" The next day, they're all standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six.All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, \"Go ahead,Dopey, ask him, ask him!\" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, \"Do you have a question to ask me, young man?\"Dopey looks up shyly and says, \"Well, yes.\" The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, \"Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?\"The Pope replies, \"Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska.\"The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, \"Askhim the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!\" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, \"Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?\"To which the Pope replies, \"Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes.\"Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, \"Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!\" The Pope asks Dopey, \"Is there still more to your question?\"To which Dopey replies, \"Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?\"The startled Pope replies, \"Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.\"At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, \"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2524,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Top 20 reasons dogs don't use computers: 20) Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.17) Too difficult to \"mark\" every website they visit.16) Can't help attacking the screen when they hear \"You've Got Mail.\"15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.11) Still trying to come up with an \"emoticon\" that signifies tail-wagging.10) Waiting for the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome8) 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.6) SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.1) TrO{ HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH PAzWqS,.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 2525,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the accident at the army base? A jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2 colonels",
"category": "Military",
"id": 2526,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Two guys walk into a bar: \"Ouch! Oof!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2527,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, \"You see that Indian?\"\n\n\"Yeah,\" says the other cowboy.\n\n\"Look,\" says the first one, \"he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.\"\n\nJust then the Indian looks up. \"Covered wagon,\" he says, \"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.\"\n\n\"Incredible!\" says the cowboy to his friend. \"This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!\"\n\nThe Indian looks up and says, \"Ran over me about a half hour ago.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2528,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did Bill Clinton quit playing the saxophone? A: Because he decided to play the hormonica",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2529,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man goes into the hospital for some tests. The medical staff knock him out, and when he comes around there is a doctor peering over him, you know pulling up the eyelid and wielding the reflex hammer. The doctor says, \"Ah, I'm glad you're awake. I'm afraid I have some mixed news.\" The man says \"Don't hold back Doc, tell me the bad news first.\" The doctor says \"It was worse than we thought we had to amputate your left leg.\" The man then asks \"What's the good news?\" The doctor replies, \"The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2530,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2531,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Jesus came to Moses in heaven one day & said, \"We've got to do something about this golf thing. No one goes to church any more.\" \"What should we do,\" Moses asked. \"In order to combat this, we've got to know what it is,\" Jesus said. \"Meet me at the golf course tomorrow morning.\" Next morning they start out on their first round of golf, and they come to a par-5 with a water hazard. Jesus says, \"I wonder what Jack Nicklaus would use?\" \"Probably a five iron, but i think you should use a seven,\" Moses says. \"If he can use a five iron,\" Jesus replies, \"then so can I!\" Jesus tees off and the ball goes right in the water. \"No problem,\" Moses says. \"I'll go get the ball.\" He goes to the water, parts it, gets the ball and brings it back. \"I STILL think you should use a seven,\" he tells Jesus. \"If jack can use a five then so can i,\" Jesus retorts. He tees off again and the ball goes right in the water. This time Jesus goes to get it. He walks out onto the water and begins looking for the ball.Meanwhile, another group of golfers comes to the tee. They see Jesus and ask Moses, \"Who does that guy think he is? Jesus christ?\" \"no,\" Moses says. \"He thinks he's Jack Nicklaus.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2532,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner \"Mom & Pop\" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. \"Oh, no laundry,\" the boy said, \"I'm going to wash my dog.\" \"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.\"But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.\"Oh, he died,\" the boy said.The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, \"I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.\" \"Well,\" the boy replied, \"I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.\"\"Oh? What was it then?\"\"I think it was the spin cycle!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2533,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "WARNINGS that should appear on alcohol bottles and over bars",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2534,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words \"The\" and \"IRS\" together it spells \"THEIRS\"?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2535,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q. What's long and green and smells like pork?A. Kermit the frog's finger.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2536,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "In the days of old sailing ships the captain of the Seahawk went out on deck to get some fresh air, when from above a cry came down from the crow's nest: \"Enemy ship off the port bow!\" The captain said to the ensign standing next to him, \"Get me my red shirt. \" A battle ensued and the Seahawk prevailed. Two weeks later the captain was again on deck when another cry came from the crow's nest, \"Two enemy ships off the starboard bow!\" The captain again says to the ensign, \"Get me my red shirt. \" After the battle was won the ensign asked the captain why he tells him to get his red shirt. The captain said that if he is wounded and the blood begins to flow the crew will not see that he was injured and keep on fighting. The crew overheard this and was proud to have such a brave captain leading them. A week later another cry came from the crow's nest, \"TEN enemy ships approaching!\" The captain said to his ensign, \"Get me my brown pants!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2537,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "What do you call a blonde at a University?A visitor.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2538,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2539,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Q: How was copper wire invented?A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2540,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. \"But officer,\" the man began, \"I can explain.\" \"Just be quiet,\" snapped the officer. \"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.\" \"But, officer, I just wanted to say,\" \"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!\" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, \"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.\" \"Don't count on it,\" answered the fellow in the cell. \"I'm the groom.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2541,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "Q: How are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2542,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "What do you call ten blondes standing in a line?A windtunnel",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2543,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "Computer Terms 486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete - Any computer you own. Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say \"Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.\" Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, \"Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.\" Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced \"gooey\") Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2544,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2545,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "On doctor's orders, Melling had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services. Melling's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. \"Would you like to see the body?\" the undertaker asked. \"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here.\" The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work. \"He looks good,\" the brother said. \"Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2546,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Sing it, it sounds better: His baloney has a first name: It's \"I did not inhale.\" His baloney has a second name: \"I wasn't getting tail.\" He loves to sling it every day, The White House people all just say, That Billy Clinton has a way Of making bullsh*t sound OK!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2547,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?New Jersey got to pick first.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2548,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "She had been seeing the psychoanalyst for years, pouring out her heart to him twice a week. However, she was making no progress, and the doctor didn't believe she ever would. \"Mrs. Porter,\" he said at the end of one session, \"do you think these visits are doing you any good?\" \"Not really,\" she said. \"My inferiority complex is as strong as ever.\" \"Mrs. Porter,\" the doctor said, \"I have something to tell you. You don't have an inferiority complex. You are, in fact, inferior.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2549,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so they went to the congregation and the preacher asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.After 5 or 6 children, this started to get expensive, so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the preacher's pay situation.As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd.\"Having children is an act of God!\" he said.In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in his frail voice said, \"Point of information - snow and rain are also acts of God. But if we get too much, we put on our rubbers.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2550,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, \"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?\" The third fellow says \"I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.\" The first two guys were amazed. \"What happened then?\" they asked. \"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man'.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2551,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Our three previous presidents and the current president found themselves following the famous Yellow Brick Road, on their way to meet The Wizard. They were all missing just a little something and figured The Wizard could help them. They meet The Wizard and he asks each in turn what they need. \"Well\", Jimmy Carter says, \"I could use some courage.\" \"No problem,\" says The Wizard, and Carter gets his courage, no questions asked. \"What about you, Mr. Reagan?\", The Wizard asks. \"If I only had a brain,\" Mr. Reagan replies, and voila, Mr. Reagan has his brain. George Bush is next. \"People tell me I could use a heart,\" he pleads, and The Wizard grants Mr. Bush his wish. \"Tell me, Mr. Clinton, what do you most want?\", asks The Wizard. Mr. Clinton doesn't hesitate. \"Is Dorothy around?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2552,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, and the bolts that held the wheel on rolled into the sewer. A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that he take one bolt off of the remaining three tires to hold up the new tire until he got to a service station. The motorist thanked him profusely and said, \"I don't know why you are in that place. \"The patient said, \"I'm here for being crazy, not stupid. \"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2553,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "20 THINGS TO DO IN A DRIVE-THRU",
"category": "Business",
"id": 2554,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2555,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, \"Don't you know I'm Polish?\"\"Oh, I'm sorry,\" the blonde apologizes, \"do you want me to start over and talk slower?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2556,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "President Clinton was in Baghdad talking about the peace accords. Clinton noticed there were 3 buttons on Saddam's chair. He didn't think anything of it at the time. After a few minutes Saddam pressed the fist button. Immediately a box popped out in front of Clinton and a boxing glove popped up and punched Clinton in the nose. Clinton was a little dazed, but he wanted to continue with the peace accords so he kept talking. After a few minutes Saddam pressed the second button. A boot came out of the floor and kicked Clinton in the shin. Clinton is starting to get angry, but he decides to go on. About 5 minutes later Saddam pressed the last button and another boot came up and kicked Clinton in the crotch. Clinton had had it at this point and jumped up and yelled, \"That's it, I'll see you in Washington D.C. in 2 weeks!\" Two weeks went by and Saddam came to D.C. He noticed 3 buttons on Clinton's desk and started to get ready for Clinton's revenge. He started talking and after a few minutes Clinton pressed the first button. Saddam ducked and nothing happened. He starts talking again, and after a few minutes Clinton pressed the second button. Saddam moved to the side, but, again, nothing happened. Saddam is starting to get suspicious, but he keeps talking. A few more minutes later Clinton pressed the third button. Saddam jumps up, and still, nothing happens. At this point Saddam is furious. He yells, \" That's it, I'm going back to Baghdad!\" Clinton looks straight at him and responds, \"What Baghdad?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2557,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "\"Chili's a lot like sex: When it's good it's great, and even when it's bad, it's not so bad.\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2558,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the Pearly Gates together. \"Oh, this is terrible,\" exclaims St. Peter, \"I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, \"Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back.\" Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, \"Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one.\" Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. Two days later... \"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2559,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?' The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!' The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?' The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!' This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?' The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!' The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?' 'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2560,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Signs your spouse is having an affair by computer:",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2561,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man takes his dog to the Vet and says, \"Doctor, I think my dog is dead.\" The Vet told him to put the dog on the table and then left the room. Soon he came back with a cat. The cat sniffed the dogs ears, his nose and then walked all over him. The Vet said \"Yep, your dog is dead. That will be $500 and 35 dollars.\" The man said, \"$500 and 35 dollars! What for?\" The Vet said, \"$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan.\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2562,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "\"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news,\" the doctor told his anxious patient. \"You only have six months to live.\" The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. \"I can't possibly pay you in that time.\" \"Okay,\" the doctor said, \"let's make it nine months.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2563,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?Beer nuts are over a buck and deer nuts are under a buck!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2564,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2565,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone\nsome distance one of the engines broke down.\n\n\"No problem,\" the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power.\nFurther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train\ncame to a standstill.\n\nThe engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the\ntrain had stopped, and made the following announcement:\n\n\"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The\nbad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here\nfor some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a\nplane.\"",
"category": "Aviation",
"id": 2566,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. \"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!\" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. \"Never mind,\" he said with a hiccup, \"I got in the back seat by mistake.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2567,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history. When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, \"I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2568,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY WHEN:",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2569,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. \"What is it?\" yells the President. \"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?\" the aide asks. \"Just go ahead and pay it.\" responds the President.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2570,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Similarities between Nixon and ClintonNixon:WatergateClinton:WaterbedNixon: His biggest fear - the Cold WarClinton:His biggest fear - a Cold SoreNixon: Worried about carpet bombsClinton:Worried about carpet burnsNixon: His Vice President was a GreekClinton:His Vice President is a geekNixon: Couldn't stop KissingerClinton:Couldn't stop kissing herNixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tapeClinton:Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief caseNixon: His nickname was Tricky DickClinton:sameNixon: Ex-PresidentClinton:Sex-PresidentNixon: Known for campaign slogan \"Nixon's The One\"Clinton:Known for women pointing at him saying, \"He's the one!\"Nixon: Famous for his widow's peakClinton:Famous for bringing widows to their peakNixon:Well acquainted with G. Gordon LiddyClinton:Well acquainted with the G SpotNixon: Took on Ho Chi MinhClinton:Took on HoNixon: Talked about achieving peace with honorClinton:Talked about getting a piece while on her",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2571,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2572,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said \"Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...\". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, \"... but they probably weren't veterinarians\".",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2573,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, \"I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!\" \"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, \"Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!\"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 2574,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "20 Very Short Books",
"category": "Music",
"id": 2575,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Q: What do men and linoleum have in common? A: Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2576,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "What if there were no hypothetical questions?Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have so many syllables?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2577,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How can you tell a woman is old?A: When she takes off her bra, all of the wrinkles in her face disappear!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2578,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2579,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, \"I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.\" The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, \"So, what's the catch?\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2580,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2581,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Businessman's DepressionA businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody - it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the priest said, \"Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do.\" A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice. The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. \"You did as I suggested?\" he asked. \"Absolutely,\" replied the businessman. \"You went to the beach?\" \"Absolutely.\" \"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible on your lap?\" \"Absolutely.\" \"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?\" \"Absolutely.\" \"And what were the first words you saw?\" \"Chapter 11.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2582,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought \"Oh no, I have a priest dn the truck I can't run down this lawyer\", and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the truck triver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. He turned to the priest and said \"Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road\" And the priest said \"Don't worry son, I got him with my door.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2583,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, \"...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2584,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: why did the blonde return the scarf?A: It was too tight.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2585,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they come to an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, \"What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!\" Then the driver responded, \"Don't worry, my mother always drives like this.\" So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, \"I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!\" The driver looked at the passenger and responded, \"All right! I get it but I told you My mother drives like this all the time!\" Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The Driver slammed on his breaks and stopped the car totally. \"What the hell are you doing?\" The passenger screamed. \"This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?\"\"Well, my mother might be coming the other way!\".",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2586,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers around. \"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!\" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. \"A PRIEST, PLEASE!\" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of at least eighty years of age. \"Mr. Policeman,\" says the man, \"I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.\" The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice:\"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72...\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2587,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, \"Why'd you do that? The trooper says, \"You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready.\" Driver says, \"I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here.\" The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, \"What'd you do that for?\" The cop says, \"Just making your wishes come true.\" The passenger says, \"Huh?\" The cop says, \"I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that with me!'\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2588,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "How do priests make Holy Water?They boil the hell out of it!",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2589,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:\"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars\".\"Why does the parrot cost so much?\" the customer asks.The owner says, \"Well, it knows how to use a computer.\"The customer asks about the next parrot and is told \"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.\"Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told \"That one costs 2,000 dollars.\"Needless to say this begs the question \"What can IT do?\"To which the owner replies \"To be honest I've never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!\"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 2590,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You know your church is a redneck church if baptism is referred to as Branding.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2591,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, \"I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference.\"The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, \"Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch.\" The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, \"Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!\"Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, \"Ah, now that's the real thing.\" A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, \"Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one.\"The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, \"Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!\" The drunk's eyes light up and he says, \"Yeah, now how old am I?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2592,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2593,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Why do they call them \"apartments\" when they're so close together?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2594,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, \"Guns don't kill people. I do.\" Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave \"hello\" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2595,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said \"Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat.\" The lawyer said \" You are correct. How much was the meat?\" The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 \"for legal consultation\".",
"category": "Lawyers",
"id": 2596,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "One Sunday morning Chelsea Clinton burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, \"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt.\" After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. \"Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him.\" Chelsea was heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, \"Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June.\" Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. \"Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this.\" Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. \"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married,\" she complained. \"Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half- brother.\" Hillary just shook her head. \"Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2597,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as \"Area 51?\"\n\nWell, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their \"secret\" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.\n\nThe pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.\n\nBy the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying \"you-did-not-see-a-base\" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.\n\nThe day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.\n\nThe same pilot jumped out and said, \"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 2598,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, \"Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?\" \"Ever go fishing?\" the policeman suddenly asked the man. \"Ummm, yeah...\" the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, \"Ever catch *all* the fish?\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2599,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2600,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A few weeks before his death, Orson Welles was talking to his friend and fellow film director Henry Jaglom about Welles' landmark movie, Citizen Kane. \"Make me one promise,\" he told Jaglom, \"Keep Ted Turner and his goddamned crayolas away from my movie.\" Fortunately, when the movie was made, Welles had negotiated a contract with RKO studios giving him complete and absolute control over every aspect of production, including colour \u0096 or lack thereof. Although he wanted to, Turner never got a chance to colourize Citizen Kane.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2601,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, \"Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!\"The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, \"Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.\"The cowboy replies, \"Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have.\"The bartender says, \"Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?\"\"About fifty cents!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2602,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "This blind fella is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and you guessed it, right down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie treat which he starts to offer to Fido.A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, \"None of my business, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just wizzed all down the leg of your pants?\"\"Yes, I'm trying to break him of that habit\", replies the blind man.\"Well, it's none of my business,\" retorts the onlooker, \"but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a treat!\" To which the blind fella chuckles, \"Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!\"",
"category": "Blind Jokes",
"id": 2603,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Three blondes were stuck on an island. then, a magic fairy appeared and gave them each a wish. The first one asked to be really smart, so the fairy turned her into a red head and she swam off the island. The second blonde asked to be even smarter, so the fairy turned her into a brunette and she built a boat and sailed off the island. The third blonde asked to be smartest of them all, so the fairy turned her into a man and he walked across the bridge.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2604,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.\n\n\"Why, my outfit was so well drilled,\" declared one, \"that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.\"\n\n\"Very good,\" conceded the other, \"but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle.\"\n\n\"What was the jingle?\" asked the first. \"Oh,\" replied the other offhand, \"just our medals.\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 2605,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2606,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you have to haul a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2607,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2608,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "His And Hers ATMs HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.9. PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit \"cancel\" 12. Re- correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in reverse gear38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2609,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2610,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, \"I want my daughter back by 8:15.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2611,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says, \"Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2612,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2613,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "What did the light bulb say to the socket?I love you watts!!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2614,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2615,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "While leading a party of Girl Scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act.\n\n\"Back ladies, back!\" cried the leader. \"There's a very dangerous beast out there!\"\n\nBut it was too late. Several of the girls had more or less seen it all. They asked their leader what was happening.\n\n\"Well, if you must know, that man and woman were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration.\"\n\n\"Wow!\" exclaimed the oldest of the group. \"I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2616,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on a Monday?A: You tell her a joke on Friday.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2617,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. .... with Beer",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2618,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, \"And what will your third wish be?\" The man looked at the genie and said, \"Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?\" \"You have had two wishes already,\" the genie said, \"but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left.\" \"Okay,\" said the man, \"I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women.\" \"Funny,\" said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, \"that was your first wish, too.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2619,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2620,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The Thomas' were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Thomas made it clear he was in a big hurry. \"No fancy stuff, Doctor,\" he ordered. \"No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.\" \"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,\" said the dentist admiringly. \"Now, which tooth is it?\" Mr. Thomas turned to his wife Sue. \"Show him your tooth, Honey.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2621,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Why did Clinton name his dog Buddy? He felt uncomfortable saying \"Come Spot!\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 2622,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Top 26 ways to deal with Stressful Lives",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2623,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Jonathan took his college roommate, Jake, home for Easter. After dinner, Jonathan addressed his father (who was a man of the cloth): \"Dad, I need to tell you something. Jake and I want to get married and we'd like your blessing.\" Jonathan's father practically exploded. His face turned red and he was speechless for ten solid minutes. When he finally regained his composure, he replied, \"My son, you CANNOT marry Jake. For God's sake, Jon ... he's Jewish!\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2624,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Thirteen things dogs don't understand",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2625,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet in the ground?A: Because way deep down they're great people!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2626,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How does a blind man have sex?A: With his eyes closed.",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2627,
"rating": 1.33
},
{
"body": "Ways To Confuse Your Roommate",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2628,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen? A: That's the proper place to wash vegetables.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2629,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2630,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2631,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?A: About .....35 pounds.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2632,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, \"I heard you died.\" \"But you see I'm alive ,\" smiled the friend.\"Impossible,\" said the psychiatrist, \"the man who told me is much more reliable than you.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2633,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, \"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.\" The others agreed.\n\nThen one said, \"Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?\"\n\nThe other three agreed.\n\nThe first then confessed, \"I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.\"\n\nThe second psychiatrist said, \"I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.\"\n\nThe third followed with, \"I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.\"\n\nThe fourth psychiatrist then confessed, \"I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret...\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2634,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "There was once a young lawyer, age 29, who was on his way to work when he was hit by a bus. He goes to heaven and meet's St. Peter and pleads, \"I am much to young to die, there must be a mistake!\". St. Peter thinks about this for a moment and goes out the back to consult with God. Ten minutes later he returns saying, \"There's no mistake, according to the hours you have billed your clients, you are 176 years old\".",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2635,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.3) Overcharging fees to many clients.4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case....And the list goes on for quite awhile.The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, \"Wait, I've done some charity in my life also.\" St. Peter looks in his book and says, \"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?\" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, \"Yes.\" St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, \"Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2636,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doc says \"I bet you are a surgeon.\" She confirms and asks how he knew. \"Easy, you're always washing your hands.\" \"That's very clever\" she says, \"I bet you're an anesthesiologist\". \"Wow, how did you guess?\" \"I didn't feel a thing\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2637,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "...These two strings walk up to a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells \"I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?\" String says \"Yeah.\" Bartender says, \"aren't you a string?\" String says, \"No, I'm a frayed knot...\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2638,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but then held it out over the beer and yelled, \"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BARSTARD!!!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2639,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, \"How's your sex life, buddy?\" The other guy answers, \"Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating. \" The first guy says, \"Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!\" The other guy says, \"Hmmmm... I think I'll try that.\" The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, \"How did you get on with the starter pistol?\" The other guy says, \"Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said.\" The first guy says, \" So??? What happened?\" The other guy says, \"She bit my whang, pooped on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! \"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2640,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2641,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming \"I can't sleep in the barn there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!\"The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying \"There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!\"The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow says...",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 2642,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. \"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!\", he whined. \"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!\" retorted the officer. \"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!\" \"Oh my gaaaad...\", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. \"Where's my Rolex???!!!!",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2643,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "If it's called tourist season why can't I shoot them?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2644,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Why do they call it PMS? Because the name \"MAD COW DISEASE\" was taken.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2645,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas\n\n10. Up on a ladder in bad weather; either decorating the house or\nboarding up windows.\n\n9. You drag out boxes of supplies you haven't used since last season.\n\n8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.\n\n7. Favorite TV shows pre-empted for 'specials'.\n\n6. Family comes to stay with you.\n\n5. Long distance calls from friends you don't usually hear from.\n\n4. Buying food you don't normally buy - and in large quantities.\n\n3. Days off from work.\n\n2. Candles are your light of choice.\n\nAnd the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...\n\n1. At some point you wind up with a tree in your house!",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 2646,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2647,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?A walkie-talkie.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2648,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?Doughnut seeds!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2649,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT NEED A DIFFERENT LAWYER",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2650,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "Tthis blonde is driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road. The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it. The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, \"Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!\" She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, \"While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle twice!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2651,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: \"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.\" \"Well put,\" the judge replied. \"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.\" The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2652,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A group of tourists was being guided through an ancient castle in\nEurope. \"This place,\" the guide told them, \"is 600 years old.\"\n\nThere were appreciative murmurs from the crowd.\n\n\"Not a stone in it has been touched,\" the guide continued, \"nothing\naltered, nothing replaced in all those years.\"\n\n\"Wow,\" piped up one woman from the rear of the group. \"They must have\nthe same landlord I do.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2653,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and sneaked him on the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat. \"Are you OK, mister?\" the stewardess asked.\"Yes, I'm fine,\" said the man. Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements. \"Are you sure you're all right, sir?\"\"Yes,\" the man insisted, \"but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.\"\"I see,\" the stewardess said. \"Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it will be OK.\"\"Oh, he's housebroken,\" the man replied. \"The problem is, he's not weaned yet!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2654,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, \"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!\" \"What do you mean? I'm fine.\" \"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before.\" \"Well,\" said the pirate, \"We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really.\" \"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands.\" \"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really.\" \"Oh,\" said the bartender, \"what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes.\" \"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.\" \"You're kidding,\" said the bartender, \"you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!\" \"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2655,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 2656,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A Dr. is walking down through the hall of the hospital toward his office when he passes Mother Angelica walking very briskly while saying her rosary rather loudly. His associate, a psychiatrist, comes around the corner next and he asks him about this. \"Hey, what's with Mother Angelica? She was just hoofing down the hall and saying her rosary to beat the band.\" \"Aw, I just told her she was pregnant.\" \"My God, is she?\" \"No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2657,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A little boy asked his father, \"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?\" And the father replied, \"I don't know son, I'm still paying.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2658,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Things Not To Say To A Cop",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2659,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "\"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2660,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. \"What's the matter with me?\" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, \"You're not eating properly.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2661,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2662,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2663,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?Not enough sand.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2664,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2665,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between a hooker & a lawyer?A: A hooker stops screwing you when you're dead!",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2666,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. \"Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?\" \"Sure,\" replied Jesus. \"What do I have to do?\" \"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven.\" \"Sounds easy enough. OK.\" So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, \"What was it you did for a living?\" The old man replied, \"I was a carpenter.\" Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. \"Did you have any family?\" he asked. \"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him.\" Jesus leaned forward some more. \"You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?\" \"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet.\" Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, \"Father?\" The old man leaned forward and whispered, \"Pinocchio?\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2667,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, \"It's a lot of money!\"After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, \"$165,000!\" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, \"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. \"Where did you get all of this money?\"The old lady replied, \"I make bets.\"The president then asked, \"Bets? What kind of bets?\"The old woman said, \"Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.\"\"Ha!\" laughed the president, \"That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!\"The old lady challenged, \"So, would you like to take my bet?\"\"Sure,\" said the president, \"I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!\"The little old lady then said, \"Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?\"\"Sure!\" replied the confident president.That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: \"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!\"The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. \"Well, Okay,\" said the president, \"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.\"Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, \"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?\"She replied, \"Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2668,
"rating": 4.75
},
{
"body": "\"Do you believe in life after death?\" the boss asked one of his employees. \"Yes, sir,\" the clerk replied.\"That's good,\" the boss said. \"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2669,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2670,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, \"Just what the hell you are doing?\" \"Well,\" said the guy, \"you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!\" \"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!\" the guy replied. \"I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2671,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting \"I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own \"croc!,\" to which the shopkeeper replied, \"by all means, just watch out for those two \"ole boys\" who are doing the same!\".So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed \"Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!\".",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 2672,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. \"It opens at noon,\" answers the clerk. About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. \"What time does the bar open?\" he asks. \"Same time as before - noon,\" replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. \"Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?\"The clerk then answers, \"It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.\" \"No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2673,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "It had snowed in Washington DC and Hillary had just arrived home and was walking into the White House when she noticed that someone had pissed in the snow, \"I love you Hillary\". Outraged she asked a secret service agent to find who had done this disgusting act. A while later the agent came back and Hillary asked if he had found the culprit. The agent said, \"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the piss is Bills but the bad news is that the hand writing is Monica Lewinsky's.\".",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2674,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A guy goes to a bar and sees a big jar of 5 dollar bills in it. He asks the bartender \"What's with the money?\" the bartender replies \"we're having a contest. You have to put in 5 dollars in the jar. then you have to complete 3 tasks. If you pass, you get all the money in the jar\" \"ah what the hell. lets give it a try.\" says the man, and puts the five dollars in the jar. \"first\" says the bartender, \"you have to drink a large glass of tequila without making a face. second, there is a vicious rottweiler outside with a sore tooth. you have to pull out the sore tooth. third, upstairs there is an old woman who has never had sex in her life. you have to have sex with her. ok?\" \"fine\" says the man. the bartender gives him the glass of tequila. the man drinks the whole thing without making a face. Now drunk, he goes outside. The bartender hears lots of yelling and barking. when the man comes back, he is all shredded up. he asks \"ok, where's the woman with the sore tooth?\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2675,
"rating": 3.8
},
{
"body": "I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2676,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, \"I bet you don't know what day this is.\" \"Of course I do,\" he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. \"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!\" she exclaimed. \"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2677,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: \"In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away...\" Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: \"In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...\". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2678,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2679,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A woman gets into a cab and gives the cab driver an address all the way across town. When they arrive, the woman says, \"I have no money.\"The cabbie says, \"I have to get paid.\"The woman raises her dress and asks, \"Will this do?\"The cabbie says, \"Don't you have anything smaller?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2680,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two 95 year old men sitting at the senior center one day when the onesays, \"I have to get right home!\"\"What's your hurry?\" asks the other.\"Me and the wife are having sex again today\".\"Again? How often do you have sex?\"\"Every day! I don't have time to talk but I'll tell you what the secret is...Pumpernickel Bread.\" And he scurried off.As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a bakery and wandered in.\"Do you have any Pumpernickel Bread?\" he asked the lady behind thecounter.\"Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernickel Bread.\"\"I'll take it all.\" the old man blurts out.The lady was surprised and says \"All of it! It will get hard.\"The old man replies \"WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS BUT ME?\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2681,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man said,\" My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.\" The second deaf man said, \" Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.\" The first deaf man asked, \" So what did you do?\" \"I turned out the light,\" the second man replied.",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2682,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: \"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.\" Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, \"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50\" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: \"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?\" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: \"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?\" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, \"Well, so what IS the answer?\" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 2683,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. \"Why of course,\" comes the reply. The first man then asks, \"Where are you from?\" I'm from Ireland,\" replies the second man. The first man responds, \"You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.\" \"Of course,\" replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man then asks, \"Where in Ireland are you from?\" \"Dublin,\" comes the reply. \"I can't believe it says the first man. \"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!\" The men both continue drinking. Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, \"What school did you go to?\" \"St. Mary's,\" replied the second man. \"I graduated in '62.\" \"This is unbelievable,\" the first man says. \"I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!\" About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. \"What's been going on?\" he asks the bartender. \"Nothing much,\" replies the bartender. \"The O'Mally twins are drunk again.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2684,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back to his wife, Jean. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: \"Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2685,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: Why don't blondes play frisbee?A: It hurts their teeth.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2686,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor. After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer. The man asked, \"How often do I take these?\" \"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you,\" replied the doctor. \"They're for your wife.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2687,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? A: He wasn't concentrating.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2688,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, \"At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day.\" \"Can't,\" replied the farmer. \"At night I haul water for the hole.\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 2689,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class I'm afraid you'll have to move.' The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model.' Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.' The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving. Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment. Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?' The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York.'",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2690,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, \"Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?\" The student replied, \"Here's an orange.\" The professor was livid. \"No! No! Think like a lawyer!\" the Professor instructed. The student then recited, \"Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2691,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, \"I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.\" \"That's quite a coincidence,\" said the engineer. \"I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.\" The lawyer looked somewhat confused. \"How do you start a flood?\" he asked.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2692,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2693,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, \"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?\" \"Why?\" she asks. \"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2694,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A guy is at a bar, laughing with friends when he goes over to watch the bar tender. The bar is nice and clean and the bartender is putting down the finishing touches. The guy goes, \"You seem like a bettin' man.\" The bartender replies, \"everyday of the week except Sunday.\" The guy goes \"I bet you 500$ if I stood on the bar, and you pushed a bar glass under me, I could piss all in it, and not get a wince of it on the bar.\" The bartender laughs and says\" I'll take you on that bet.\" So he goes and gets a glass, while the guy is unzipping his pants.\"Ready\" the bartender goes and the man replies \"FIRE AWAY!\" so the bartender pushes the glass and the guy pisses everywhere but the glass. He zipped his pants on and the bartender starts laughing, and says \"See boy, it can't be done!\" the guy pays him smiling all the way. The bartender asks \"Boy what are you so happy about? You just lost $500\" he replies \" I just bet that man over there I could piss all over your bar and make you laugh about it!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2695,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, \"Would you like to dance?\" The girl says, \"I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you.\" The guy says, \"I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2696,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2697,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?Dad: That happens in every country, son.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2698,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, \"Mmmmm, I smell sausage. The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said \"Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.\" The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, \"The only thing I can smell is molasses.\"",
"category": "Farmers",
"id": 2699,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2700,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?A: Cut the rope.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2701,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, \"Sure, do that before I kill them!\" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, \"Where is God?\" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked \"Where is God?\" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy's nose, and asked, \"Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, \"We are in BIIIIG trouble.\" The older boy asked, \"What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?\" his brother replied, \"God is missing and they think we did it.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2702,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Top Ten Reasons Why The Computer Industry Is Finally Opening Up To Women 1. It's easier for a woman to \"turn on\" a computer2. Women don't have motherboard fixations.3. Women are much better at FDISK-ing a hard drive4. When lost on the Internet, women are willing to ask for directions.5. Women can communicate gossip and rumors quicker than the fastest modem.6. Only women (I think) can marry Bill Gates.7. Women see a 14 inch monitor they think it's a 14 incher and not a 20.8. Women have bigger SMART drives.9. Women don't think with their joysticks.10. Women actually read installation manuals.",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2703,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-byes as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat. \"Sorry about the mix up\" says the Pope. \"No problem,\" replies Clinton. \"Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.\" Clinton asks, \"Why's that?\" \"Well, I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.\"President Clinton replies, \"you're a day late\".",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2704,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead stranded on an island. The nearest land was about 20 miles away. Well, they're all getting sick of one another, and the brunette decides to swim the 20 miles to land. So she swims, and swims, and swims, gets about 10 miles, about half way, and she is exhausted. So she puts up her arms...and drowns. The redhead is thinking, \"She must have made it!\" So she swims, and swims, and swims, gets about 10 miles, about half way, and she is exhausted. So she puts up her arms...and drowns. The blonde is left on the island thinking, \"They must have made it!\" So she swims, and swims, and swims, and gets 19 miles! She can see the beaches and the tall buildings, but she is exhausted! So she puts up her arms... and swims back to the island. :-)",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2705,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, \"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?\" The other replied, \"Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2706,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. \"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.\" Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. \"Will I be acquitted?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2707,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, \"Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.\" \"My darling,\" he replied, \"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2708,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. \"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you.\" The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, \"Hold on, you can't bring that in here!\" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, \"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through.\"Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, \"You brought pavement?!!!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2709,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call a group of blondes in a circle?A: A dope ring!!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2710,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!\"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?\" he cried. \"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!\"\"Well,\" she said, \"when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2711,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked \"How much is 2+2?\"The housewife replies: \"Four!\".The accountant says: \"I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.\"The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, \"How much do you want it to be?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2712,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Only in America",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2713,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Attorney to witness: \"And where was the location of the accident?\" Witness: \"Approximately milepost 499.\" Attorney: \"And where is milepost 499?\" Witness: \"About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2714,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. \"-I know,-\" he says, \"they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.\" They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, \"-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-\" At this the priest says, \"-I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-\" Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says \"-I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2715,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her.\n\nEvery morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued...\n\nFinally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it.\n\nWhen the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face. \"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy,\" he said, pointing to the urine bottle.\n\n\"Oh, really?\" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. \"In that case, we'd better run it through again...\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 2716,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2717,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, \"I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.\" An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, \"First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?\" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. \"What happened?\" they asked. \"Well,\" said Moishe, \"First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.\" \"Yes, yes,.. and then???\" asked the crowd. \"I don't know,\" said Moishe, \"He took out his lunch, and I took out mine.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2718,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Top Ten Changes at NASA to accommodate 76 year-old John Glenn's return to space aboard the shuttle \"Discovery:\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2719,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A woman was talking to her friend about her recent trip to Spokane,\nWashington. Her friend asked her how she liked Spokane. \"I don't know,\"\nshe answered. \"I never got there.\"\n\n\"You never got there!\" her friend exclaimed. \"What do you mean?\"\n\n\"You know me,\" the woman answered. \"I have to stop at every rest area.\nWell, they all say 'clean bathrooms' and I can tell you... it takes\nlonger than you think!\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 2720,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "An Irishman was in the South of France and could not understand why Pierre had attracted so many girls on the beach and he had attracted no one. So he asked Pierre, \"How do you manage to attract all the girls and I attract no one?\" Pierre said, \"Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild.\" So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and down the beach. After a great many hours, however, he still failed to arouse a woman. So the Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, \"I've tried it Pierre, it doesn't work!\" Pierre took one look at the Irishman and said, \"You might try putting the potato in the front of your bathing suit!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2721,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "\"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor.\"\"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?\"\"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2722,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. \"Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal\", he starts writing in his notebook. \"But I'm not a Niners fan,\" the boy replies. \"Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack,\" the reporter starts again. \"I'm not a Raiders fan either,\" the boy says. \"Then what are you?\" the reporter says. \"I'm a Cowboys fan!!!\" The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, \"Redneck bastard kills family pet.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2723,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Our lips touched, then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2724,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, \"You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.\"\"Well,\" said the other woman,\" that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2725,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. .... with Beer",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2726,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. \"What's going on?\" she yells out the window. \"Cow on the track!\" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, \"What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2727,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:\n\n\"Ames\" \"Here!\" \"Jenson\" \"Here!\" \"Jones\" \"Here!\" \"Magersky\" \"Here!\" \"Seeback\"\n\nNo answer.\n\n\"Seeback!\"\n\nNo answer was heard again.\n\n\"SEEBACK!!!\" The troops remained totally silent.\n\nAt that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.",
"category": "Military",
"id": 2728,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:\"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars\".\"Why does the parrot cost so much?\" the customer asks.The owner says, \"Well, it knows how to use a computer.\"The customer asks about the next parrot and is told \"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.\"Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told \"That one costs 2,000 dollars.\"Needless to say this begs the question \"What can IT do?\"To which the owner replies \"To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!\"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 2729,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, \"What'll you have?\" The guy answers, \"A scotch, please.\" The bartender hands him the drink, and says \"That'll be five dollars,\" to which the guy replies, \"What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.\" A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, \"You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.\" The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, \"Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.\" The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, \"What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!\" The guy says, \"What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!\" The bartender replies, \"I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.\" To which the guy replies, \"Thank you. Make it a scotch.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2730,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, \"Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.\" Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says \"I'll take this option.\" \"Fine,\" says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. \"That was Bill Gates!\" cried Lucifer. \"Why did you give him the best place of all?\" \"That's what everyone thinks,\" snickered Satan. \"The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't.\" \"What about the PC?\" \"It's got Windows 95!\" laughed Satan. \"And it's missing three keys.\" \"Which three?\" \"Control, Alt and Delete.\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2731,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "20 Very Short Books",
"category": "Music",
"id": 2732,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "How do you know if a blond has used a computer?A:if there's white out on the screen.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 2733,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "What is the speed of dark?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2734,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.\n\nHe always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.\n\nOne day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.\n\nThe friend listened to her, and then said, \"Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.\"\n\nThe wife thought that might be a good idea.\n\nThat night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.\n\nHis wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.\n\nThis time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, \"It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?\"\n\nAt that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, \"I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 2735,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, \"Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.\"The guy with the Chihuahua says, \"We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.\" The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, \"Just follow my lead. They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, \"Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.\"The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, \"You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.\" The guy at the door says, \"A Doberman Pinscher?\" He says, \"Yes, they're using them now, they're very good.\" The guy at the door says, \"Come on in.\" The guy with the Chihuahua figures, \"What the heck,\" so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.The guy at the door says, \"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.\" The guy with the Chihuahua says, \"You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.\" The guy at the door says, \"A Chihuahua?\" The guy with the Chihuahua says, \"You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2736,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates. St Peter: Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision. Bill has a look around heaven. Lots of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord . He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women . Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter. Gates: Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell. St Peter: No worries. You've got it. Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't figure it out. Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks? St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the demo version",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2737,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!' When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that rake again?'",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2738,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open.A lady cashier walked up to him and said, \"Your barracks door is open.\" This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, \"Your fly is open.\"He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood.He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his \"barracks door.\" He was planning to have a little fun with her.When he reached her counter he said, \"When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?\" The lady thought for a moment and said, \"No, no I didn't.All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2739,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN.....",
"category": "Science",
"id": 2740,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "\"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just \nisn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't \nyou got a pill or something I can give her?\"\n\n\"Look, I can't prescribe...\"\n\n\"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have \nyou ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! \nI can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is\ngoing utterly to hell! You've got to help me.\"\n\nThe doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a \nsmall bottle of pills. \"Ordinarily, I wouldn't \ndo this. These are experimental; the tests\nso far indicate that they're VERY powerful. \nDon't give her more than ONE, understand? Just \nONE.\"\n\n\"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold...\"\n\n\"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?\"\n\n\"Um, okay.\"\n\nThe guy expresses gratitude and leaves for \nhome, where his wife has dinner waiting. \nWhen dinner is finished, she goes to the \nkitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily \npulls the pills from his pocket and drops \none into his wife's coffee. He reflects \nfor a moment, hesitates, then drops in a \nsecond pill.\n\nAnd then he begins to worry. The doctor \ndid say they were powerful.\n\nThen inspiration strikes, he drops one \npill into his own coffee.\n\nHis wife returns with the shortcake and \nthey enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure \nenough, a few minutes after they finish, \nhis wife shudders a little, sighs deeply \nand heavily, and a strange look comes over \nher. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice \nhe has never heard her use before, she says, \n\"I...need...a man\"\n\nHis eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he \nreplies, \"Me...too...\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2741,
"rating": 3.6
},
{
"body": "There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for\ntheir babies to be born.\n\nThe nurse came out and told the first father, \"Congratulations, you're\nthe father of twins!\"\n\n\"It figures,\" the first father said. \"I'm the manager of the Minnesota\nTwins.\"\n\nFive minutes later the nurse came out and told the second father,\n\"Congratulations you're the father of triplets!\"\n\n\"It figures,\" the second father said. \"I work for 3M.\"\n\nAt that the third father fainted dead away.\n\nThe second father turned to the first and asked, \"What's the matter\nwith him?\"\n\nThe first father replied, \"He works for 7-Up!\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2742,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Two brothers, John and Richard lived \nin the same town. John with his 12 year \nold cat, Richard with their 88 year old \nMother. John's whole life was his cat. \nHe never went anywhere without her. One \nday he was faced with a terrible decision. \nHe had to go to England on business for \nhis company and he could not take the cat \ninto England with having to quarantine her \nfor 14 days. He wouldn't do that so he was \nfaced with either losing his job or leaving \nhis cat. \n\nFinally he decided to trust his brother with \nthe cat for the week he would be gone. He \ngave Richard detailed instructions, schedules,\nfood, etc. Finally he flew to London and \ncalled Richard every few hours to make sure \nGracie the cat was ok. 4 days of this went by\nand John was really getting to be a pain in the \nneck. \n\nOn the fifth day when he called, John asked \nRichard how Gracie was and Richard told him. \n\"Gracie is dead!\" Well as you can imagine,\nJohn nearly had a heart attack. \n\nWhen he recovered he said to Richard, \"that was \nthe most cruel thing I ever heard. You know \nhow much I loved that cat, why couldn't you \nhave broken it to me gently. You know like when\nI called said something like, 'well she's OK but \nshe is up on the roof.' And then when I called \nthe next time, tell me 'oh oh, bad news, she \nfell off the roof and she's at the vets'. And\nthen the next time break the news that she \npassed away. At least I would have been a little \nprepared for the bad news.\"\n\n\"Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for being \nso heartless.\"\n\nJohn accepted Richard's apology for being so \nuncaring, and then said, \"oh, by the way, how's \nMother?\"\n\nRichard then said, \"well, John, she's OK, but she's \non the roof!\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2743,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On\nthe third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in\ncircles.\n\n\"We're lost!\" One of the men complained. \"I thought you said you were\nthe best guide in the United States.\"\n\n\"I am,\" the guide answered, \"but I think we may be in\nCanada now.\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 2744,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by\nSt Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says \"Ladies, you all led\nsuch wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back\nto Earth and be anyone you want\".\n\nThe first nun says \"I want to be Sophia Loren\" and POOF she's gone.\n\nThe second says \"I want to be Madonna\" and POOF she's gone.\n\nThe third says \"I want to be Sara Pipalini\". \n\nSt Peter looks perplexed. \"Who?\" he says. \n\n\"Sara Pipalini\" replies the nun. \n\nSt Peter shakes his head and says \"I'm sorry, that name just doesn't\nring a bell.\" \n\nThe nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St\nPeter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to\nher and says \"No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men'!\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2745,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter \nchecks his dossier and says, \"Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the\nwrong place.\" So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let\nin. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of\ncomfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After\na while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,\nand the engineer is a pretty popular guy.\n\nOne day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,\n\"So, how's it going down there in hell?\" \n\nSatan replies, \"Hey, things are going great. We've got air\nconditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling\nwhat this engineer is going to come up with next.\"\n\nGod replies, \"What??? You've got an engineer? That's a\nmistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.\"\n\nSatan says, \"No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and\nI'm keeping him.\"\n\nGod says, \"Send him back up here or I'll sue.\"\n\nSatan laughs uproariously and answers, \"Yeah, right. And just\nwhere are YOU going to get a lawyer?\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2746,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.\n\n\"Mr. President,\" said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, \"there's good news and bad news.\"\n\n\"Oh, no...\" muttered the President, \"Well, let me have the bad news first.\"\n\n\"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet.\"\n\n\"Gosh, and the good news?\"\n\n\"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2747,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One day,little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not\nfinding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check\nher bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had\nalso come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked,\nheavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents\ncontinue as if nothing was wrong. \n\t\nMikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, \"Daddy, can I climb on \nand have a horsie ride?\" \"Of course, Son, we're a family.\" So Mikey climbs on and\n after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. \"Hang on\n Dad!\", cries Mikey, \"this is where the mailman usually falls off!\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2748,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked\nstepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up\nand gives Cinderella some good news:\n\nThe fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her,\neverything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.\nCinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies,\n\"First, you must wear a diaphragm.\" \n\nCinderella's mouth drops open and says, \"You must be crazy! I'm on \nthe pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm.\" \n\nThe fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes \nthat will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to \nwear a diaphragm.\n\n\"Well, what's the second condition?\" Cinderella asked.\n\nThe fairy godmother replies, \"You must be back home by 2:00 A.M.\nWell, Cinderella explains that if she's gonna go party with the\nprinces, she wants to be out all night long. The fairy godmother\ntells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2 A.M., then her diaphragm\nwill turn into a pumpkin. She goes on to say that at least she'll be\nwith the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be home\nat 2 A.M...\n\nAt 2 A.M., Cinderella doesn't show up...3 A.M., no Cinderella...4 A.M., no\nCinderella...finally, at 5 A.M., Cinderella shows up at the door with a\nhuge grin on her face. The fairy godmother stands up and looks at \nCinderella and says, \"Where the hell have you been? Your diaphragm \nwas supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!\"\n\nCinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took\ncare of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders about a prince with this\ntype of power and asks Cinderella his name to which she replies,\n\"I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something or other....\"",
"category": "Heaven and Hell",
"id": 2749,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A woman goes to the doctors, and says, \"Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. \nI'll have to take my clothes off to show you.\"\n \nThe doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.\n \nShe does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. \n\n\"Well, what is it?\" he asks. \"It's a bit embarrassing,\" she replies, \"These \ntwo green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.\" \n\nThe doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. \n\nThen he suddenly asks, \"Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?\" \n\nThe woman blushes and says, \"Well, actually I have.\" \n\n\"That's the problem,\" the doctor says, \"Tell him his earrings aren't made of\ngold!!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2750,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from \nthe mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. \"I'm lookin' \nfor the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!\" he said to the\nbartender. \n\n\"We got her!\" replied the barkeeper. \"She's upstairs in the second room\non the right.\"\n\nThe miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two\nbeers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the\nsecond door on the right and yelled, \"I'm lookin' for the meanest, \nroughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!\"\n\nThe woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, \"You found her!\"\nThen she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. \n\n\"How do you know I want to do it in that position?\" asked the miner.\n\n\"I don't,\" replied the whore, \"but I thought you might like to open\nthose beers first.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2751,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple\nwho had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, \nthe husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed\nin a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, \"Honey, this guy hasn't seen\na woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he\nwants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you\nlike it. Our lives depend on it.\"\n\n\"Dear,\" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, \"I'm so relieved\nyou feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a \nreally nice, tight-looking butt!\"",
"category": "Sex",
"id": 2752,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A couple on vacation was driving their RV through Wisconsin. As they\napproached the town of Oconomowoc they started arguing about the\npronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth as they\nentered the town, and continued to bicker while they stopped for\nlunch.\n\nAs they stood at the counter the husband asked the cashier, \"Before we\norder, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please\npronounce where we are... very slowly?\"\n\nThe girl leaned over the counter and said, \"Burrrrrr-gerrrrrr-Kiiiing.\"",
"category": "Idiots",
"id": 2753,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying\nthe mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he\narrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family\nthere, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way\nwith a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a \nbox of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of\nterrific fishing lures.\n\n At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman\nin a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through \nthe door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the \nbedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had \never experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she \nfixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, \nand fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him \na cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill\nsticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. \"All this was just too \nwonderful for words,\" he said, \"but what's the dollar for?\"\n\n \"Well,\" she said, \"last night, I told my husband that today would be your\nlast day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him \nwhat to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast\nwas my idea.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2754,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A couple was planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn't have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided to just go back to their new apartment after the wedding. \n\nThe groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a ordinary guy, and the third a dentist.\n\nThey all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married friends. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The ordinary guy decided to short sheet the bed, so that when they got into it their feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do.\n\nA week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. \n\"Dear friends, we didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I'm gonna kill the bastard that put the novacaine in the vaseline!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2755,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding\nwhere the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty\nfeeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him,\nbecause his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and\nbehold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase\nslowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life. \n\nShe finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the\nhotel. The clerk looked really concerned, \"Whatever happened to you,\nhoney? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!\" \n\nThe bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, \n\"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought\nhe meant his money!!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2756,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. \n\nOne day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, \"The tooth fairy will never believe this!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2757,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "I was driving with my three young children one warm summer\nevening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood\nup and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from\nthe shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,\n\"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2758,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "You can't fool the kids in Sunday school; they are way too\nsmart...\n\n\"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and\ngave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?\"\nI asked the children in my Sunday school class.\n\n\"NO!\" all the children answered.\n\n\"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and\nkept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?\"\n\nAgain the answer was, \"NO!\"\n\n\"Well,\" I continued, \"then how can I get to heaven?\"\n\nA five-year-old boy shouted, \"You gotta be dead!\"",
"category": "Money",
"id": 2759,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark\nnight. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to\nask him something. The driver screams, loses control of\nthe car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and\nstops inches from a shop window.\n\nFor a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the\ndriver said, \"Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You\nscared the daylights out of me!\"\n\nThe passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a\n\"little tap\" could scare him so much.\n\nThe driver, after gathering himself together replied,\n\"Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day\nas a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last\n25 years!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2760,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "On the first day of school, a first grader handed his\nteacher a note from his mother. The note read, \"The\nopinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those\nof his parents.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2761,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. \"The\nsecret,\" she said, \"is to get the left part of the zipper\nto fit in the other side before you try to zip it up.\" The\nboy looked at her quizzically: \"Why does it have to be a\nsecret?\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2762,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the\nwomen's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst\ninto shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for\ncover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,\n\"What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy\nbefore?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 2763,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2764,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.\nA: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2765,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: None 'o yo' freakin' business!\nA: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2766,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2767,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.\nA: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2768,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: None. That's a hardware problem.\nA: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.\nA: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2769,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: None. That's a software problem.\nA: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2770,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Field Service Engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?\nA: Who can tell. Field Service Engineers are always in the dark.\nA: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2771,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How long will it take for a field service engineer to change a light bulb?\nA: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2772,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How long will it take for a field service engineer to change two dead bulbs?\nA: They replace your fuse box.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2773,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2774,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: None. There's a primitive for that.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2775,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).\nA: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.\nA: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2776,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2777,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many 'Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: None: 'Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.\nA: None of your damn business!",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2778,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2779,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: None. (''That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...'')",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2780,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2781,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2782,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2783,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2784,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2785,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2786,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2787,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2788,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Three, but they're really only one.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2789,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.",
"category": "Science",
"id": 2790,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2791,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2792,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: That's not funny!!!",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2793,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: It's ''Radcliffe Women'' and it's not funny!",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2794,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2795,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.\nA: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2796,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2797,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Three:\n One to write the light bulb removal program,\n one to write the light bulb insertion program, and\n one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2798,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Both of them.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2799,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: A tree in a golden forest.\nA: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.\nA: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.\nA:None. Zen masters carry their own light.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2800,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Billions and billions.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2801,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2802,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2803,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Only one, but it sure takes a sh*tload of light bulbs!",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2804,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2805,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?\nA: You can unscrew a light bulb.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2806,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only, ''This page intentionally left blank,'' and 20% of the definitions are of the form ''A",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2807,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2808,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say ''Fabulous.''",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2809,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2810,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2811,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many public utility workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\nA: 10. One to hold the bulb, 6 to rotate the ladder, and 3 to supervise.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2812,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many strongmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\nA: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2813,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How does god change a light bulb?\r\nA: He holds the bulb and rotates the planet.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2814,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??\nA: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...\nNotes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2815,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: None. It turned itself in.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2816,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: How many can you afford?\nA: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.\nA: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2817,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2818,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2819,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: None. There never was any light bulb.\nNotes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2820,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many.\nNotes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2821,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2822,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: ---- You should have hit ''n!''",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2823,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many ''pro-lifers'' does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2824,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2825,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.\nA: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.\nA: None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2826,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2827,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.\nA: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2828,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?\nA: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2829,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many a-holes does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: None; a-holes never see the light anyway.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2830,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.\nA: Only one. ''Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?''",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2831,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: About one third less than for a regular bulb.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2832,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2833,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: What kind of answer did you have in mind?",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2834,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb.\nNotes: Ugh!",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2835,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: ''Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2836,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2837,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2838,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2839,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?\nA: Many hands make light work.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2840,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2841,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?\nA: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2842,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: At least three. (Notes: think height!)",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2843,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2844,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2845,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: All of them.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2846,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say ''Sock it to Me.'' (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from Laugh In.)",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2847,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?\nA: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.\nA: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2848,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2849,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2850,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2851,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2852,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2853,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2854,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: one.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2855,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2856,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2857,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: To get to the other side.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2858,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.\nA: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.\nA: One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.\nA: In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2859,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?\n A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...\n In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.\n If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.\n Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.\n Bibliography:\n [1] Wiener, Matthew P., [email\u00a0protected]",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2860,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2861,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.\nNote: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2862,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... and one to change the bulb.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2863,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).\nA: It's out?? Sell my G.E. stock NOW!",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2864,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?\nA: None, they like to keep him in the dark.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2865,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Depends on what you want to change it into.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2866,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2867,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: ''Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?''",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2868,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many surgeons does it take to replace a light bulb?\nA: 3. We'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2869,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2870,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2871,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2872,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: There is nothing to change.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2873,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?\nA: None. Televangelists screw in motels.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2874,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?\nA: Fewer and fewer all the time.",
"category": "Light Bulbs",
"id": 2875,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "\"Bill Clinton's official portrait was unveiled at the White House yesterday. Don't kid yourself, there's already trouble. Yesterday, Clinton's portrait was caught hitting on Dolly Madison's portrait.\" \u0097David Letterman",
"category": "Political",
"id": 2876,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "\"The Bushes hosted their predecessors at the White House yesterday, for the official unveiling of Bill and Hillary Clinton's White House portraits. The occasion moved the current commander in chief to a rare show of gracious bi-partisanship. ... Bush then handed the mic over to Clinton. It's been a long time since this skilled orator spoke in the White House. I'm sure he's got some profound words to share ... [clip of Clinton: 'All those kind and generous things you said, made me feel like I was a pickle stepping into history.'] ... Uhhh, I don't get that at all. As a matter fact, if I remember correctly, your pickle's already stepped into history.\" \u0097Jon Stewart",
"category": "Political",
"id": 2877,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "\"Former President Bush parachuted with an Army Ranger holding him so he wouldn't get hurt on his 80th birthday. This is the same method they use when his son rides a bike.\" \u0097Craig Kilborn",
"category": "Political",
"id": 2878,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "\"I guess the people I feel worst for are Carter and Ford. Because they have to be watching all this thinking, we're not getting that.\" \u0097Jon Stewart, on media coverage of Ronald Reagan's death",
"category": "Political",
"id": 2879,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "\"President Bush has returned after remembering D-Day. Or, as it was known in his house, report card day.\" \u0097Jay Leno",
"category": "Political",
"id": 2880,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, \"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.\" The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. \"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.\" Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.\n\nIn a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, \"All right buddy, what's your name?\" \"Sam,\" the man moaned. \"Where ya from, Sam?\" With pain in his voice Sam replied \"The balcony.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2881,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. \"I've got good news and bad news,\" the owner replied. \"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings.\"\n\n\"That's wonderful!\" the artist exclaimed, \"What's the bad news?\". With concern, the gallery owner replied, \"The guy was your doctor.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 2882,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. \"Why Bloomingdales?\" asked the rabbi. \"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2883,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, \"Do you know that you were speeding?\" The man replies, \"No sir, I didn't know I was speeding.\" The mans wife then yells, \"Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles.\" \n\n\"SHUT UP!\" the man says to his wife, \"Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite.\" Then the cop says, \"well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?\" \"No Sir\" the man replies, \"I did not know that\" \"WHATEVER!\" \n\nHis wife yells, \"I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!\" \"Shut up\" the man yells to his wife again! \"Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!\" Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, \"Does he always talk to you this way?\" \"No\" she replies, \" Only when he's drinking!\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 2884,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, \"COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!\" He enters and sits down.\n\nThe bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, \"OK, truck drivers aren't nerds.\"\n\nAs he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.\n\nThe bartender replied, \"Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license.\"\n\nSo the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.\n\nHe can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.\n\nThe truck driver said, \"What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.\"\n\n\"Well, sure,\" says the patrolman, \"But you can't bait 'em!\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2885,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.\n\n2. You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.\n\n3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house only computers with laser printers.\n\n4. You think of the gadgets in your office as \"friends,\" but you forget to send your father a birthday card.\n\n5. You disdain people who use low Baud rates.\n\n6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.\n\n7. You use the phrase \"digital compression\" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.\n\n8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase \"digital compression.\" Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.\n\n9. You know bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.\n\n10. You stop saying \"phone number\" and replace it with \"voice number,\" since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.\n\n11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :) next to your signature.\n\n12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :).\n\n13. You back up your data every day.\n\n14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a wrist-rest for her mouse.\n\n15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.\n\n16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.\n\n17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.\n\n18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase \"electronic town hall\" makes more sense than the term \"information superhighway,\" but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand drawn pie charts.\n\n19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.\n\n20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.\n\n21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.\n\n22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five and a quarter and three and a half inch sizes.\n\n23. Al Gore strikes you as an \"intriguing\" fellow.\n\n24. You own a set of itty bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.\n\n25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse induced index finger strain with a nine year old.\n\n26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say \"I don't know\" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.\n\n27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.\n\n28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.\n\n29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better the track ball or the track *pad*.\n\n30. You understand all the above jokes. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.\n\n31. You email these jokes to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face to face.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 2886,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "What did the horse say when he fell?\n\n\u0093I've fallen and I can't giddy up!\u0094",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2887,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "Q. What do cows do for fun?\nA. They go to MOO-vies!",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2888,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "Q. What are the two main political parties in Canada?\nA. Moose and Squirrel",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2889,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "Q. What do you call a cow murder mystery?\nA. moo-done-it.",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2890,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "Q. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road rolls in dirt and comes back?\nA. dirty double crosser",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2891,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars.''\n\nThe bear replies, ''If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there.''\n\nThe bartender says, ''Go ahead.''\n\nSo the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.''\n\n''What do mean,'' says the bear. ''I'm not on drugs.''\n\n''Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.''",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2892,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, \"What are you up to there, Nancy?\"\n\n\"My goldfish died,\" replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, \"and I've just buried him.\"\n\nThe neighbor was concerned, \"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?\"\n\nNancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, \"That's because he's inside your stupid cat.\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2893,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q. What did the father buffalo say to the son buffalo when he left for school?\nA. Bison!",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2894,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.\n\nBy the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.\n\nSomehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.\n\nTwenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. \"I NEED FOOD!\" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.\n\n\"NO!\" Joe retorts. \"We promised.\"\n\nFive more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.\n\n\"Just for that, I'm not going.\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2895,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.\n\nWhen the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, \"My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?\"\n\nThe first dog replies grimly, \"I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidentally bumped into the table and broke them all.\"\n\nThe two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for. The third dog answers, \"The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!\"\n\n\"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?\" says the first dog.\n\nThe third dog answers, \"Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped!\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2896,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young cock from the market and puts it in the pen with the old cock and the hens...\n\nOld Cock: Welcome to the farm. We'll work together towards productivity.\n\nYoung Cock: Whattya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.\n\nOld Cock: Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?\n\nYoung Cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.\n\nOld Cock: In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let me have one hen. If I lose you have them all.\n\nYoung Cock: Okay. What kind of competition?\n\nOld Cock: 50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 yards. Young Cock: No problem! We race tomorrow morning.\n\nConfidently, the following morning, the Young Cock allows the Old Cock to start off and when the Old Cock crosses the 10-yard mark, the young cock chases him with all his might. He was right behind the old cock in a matter of seconds and -- BANG! Before he can overtake the old cock, he is shot dead by the farmer, who sighs and says, \"Damn. That's the fifth gay chicken I bought this week.\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2897,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Q. What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey?\nA. Drumsticks for everybody!",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2898,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, ''You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck.''\n\nThe boy nodded in agreement and said, ''But then there wouldn't be a siren.''",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2899,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "\"Some plants,\" said the teacher, \"have the prefix \"dog. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'.\"\n\n\"I can,\" shouted a little redhead from the back row, \"Collieflower!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2900,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. ''Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?'' a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ''Nope.'' \n\nAs soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, ''I thought you said your dog didn't bite!'' The old man muttered, ''Ain't my dog.''",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2901,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.\n\n\"Just watch me and follow my lead,\" he said.\n\nHe walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, \"I'm sorry but I can't let you in here.\"\n\nThe guy looked at the bartender and asked, \"Why not?\"\n\nThe bartender replied, \"Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar.\"\n\n\"But this is my seeing eye dog,\" the guy said.\n\n\"Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever.\"\n\nThe guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.\n\n\"But this is my seeing eye dog,\" said the second guy.\n\nThe bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, \"Sir, ah\u0085 um\u0085 a Chihuahua?\"\n\nThe man looked a little puzzled and then said, \"What? They gave me a Chihuahua?\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2902,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to send over someone who's a gorilla expert.\n\nWhen the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of handcuffs. The man says,''What are all of those for?''\n\nThe animal control officer says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his wrists.''\n\nThe man asks, ''What is the gun for?''\n\nThe animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot the dog!'''",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2903,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, \"Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?\"\n\nA giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, \"It's my dog. Why?\"\n\n\"Well,\" squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, \"I believe my dog just killed it, sir.\"\n\n\"What?\" roared the big man in disbelief. \"What in the hell kind of dog do you have?\"\n\n\"Sir,\" answered the little man, \"It's a four week old puppy.\"\n\n\"Bull!\" roared the biker, \"How could your puppy kill my Doberman?\"\n\n\"It appears that he choked on it, sir.\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2904,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner \"Mom & Pop\" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.\n\nThe grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.\n\n\"Oh, no laundry,\" the boy said, \"I'm going to wash my dog.\"\n\n\"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.\"\n\nBut the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.\n\nAbout a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.\n\n\"Oh, he died,\" the boy said.\n\nThe grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, \"I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.\"\n\n\"Well,\" the boy replied, \"I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.\"\n\n\"Oh? What was it then?\"\n\n\"I think it was the spin cycle!\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2905,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "One day a poor old lady found a dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket. She won the lottery! She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, \"What should I name my house?\" And she looked around and she saw a guy mooning her so she decided to name her house \"Butt\" Then she needed a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so she named her dog \"Crack\".\n\nOne day about a month later she woke up and couldn't find her dog. She looked all over the house and she couldn't find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and said, \"Police please help me I've looked all over my Butt but I can't find my Crack!\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2906,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.\n\nThe next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.\n\nHe kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.\n\nHours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, \"Jen is the cat there?\" \"Yes, why do you ask?\" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, \"Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions.\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2907,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always steal his act by saying things like, \u0093he has a card up his sleeve\u0094 or \u0093he has a dove in his pocket.\u0094\n\nOne day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, \u0093Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?\u0094",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2908,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE\n\nYou have two cows.\nUnder the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.\n\n\nAMERICAN CORPORATION\n\nYou have two cows.\nYou sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.\nYou force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead.\nYou spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.\nYour stock goes up.\n\n\nFRENCH CORPORATION\n\nYou have two cows.\nYou go on strike because you want three cows.\nYou go to lunch and drink wine.\nLife is good.\n\n\nJAPANESE CORPORATION\n\nYou have two cows.\nYou redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.\nThey learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.\nMost are at the top of their class at cow school.\n\n\nGERMAN CORPORATION\n\nYou have two cows.\nYou engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.\nUnfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.\n\n\nITALIAN CORPORATION\n\nYou have two cows but you don't know where they are.\nWhile ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.\nYou break for lunch.\nLife is good.\n\n\nRUSSIAN CORPORATION\n\nYou have two cows.\nYou have some vodka.\nYou count them and learn you have five cows.\nYou have some more vodka.\nYou count them again and learn you have 42 cows.\nThe Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.\n\n\nTALIBAN CORPORATION\n\nYou have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.\nYou don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' private parts.\nYou get a $40 million grant from the US government to find\nalternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.\n\n\nIRAQI CORPORATION\n\nYou have two cows.\nThey go into hiding.\nThey send radio tapes of their mooing.\n\n\nPOLISH CORPORATION\n\nYou have two bulls.\nEmployees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.\n\n\nBELGIAN CORPORATION\n\nYou have one cow.\nThe cow is schizophrenic.\nSometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.\nThe Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.\nThe French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.\nThe cow asks permission to be cut in half.\nThe cow dies happy.\n\n\nFLORIDA CORPORATION\n\nYou have a black cow and a brown cow.\nEveryone votes for the best looking one.\nSome of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.\nSome people vote for both.\nSome people vote for neither.\nSome people can't figure out how to vote at all.\nFinally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.\n\n\nCALIFORNIA CORPORATION\n\nYou have millions of cows.\nThey make real California cheese.\nOnly five speak English.\nMost are illegals.\nArnold likes the ones with the big udders.",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2909,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. \n\nSeveral minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. \"But sir,\" said the clerk, \"you have the best room in the hotel.\" \"I insist on another room!!!\" said the drunk. \"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?\" asked the clerk. \"Well, for one thing,\" said the drunk, \"it's on fire.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 2910,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.\n\nThe first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.\n\nThey looked at the third man and he said, \"I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees.\"\n\nBoth of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.\n\nThe man replied, \"Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, \"Come out and fight like a man!\".",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 2911,
"rating": 3.33
},
{
"body": "A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, \"I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.\"\n\nHe puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.\n\nHe thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, \"Here...paint my house.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 2912,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look\non his upturned face,\"Without you we are but dust... \"\n\nHe would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter(who waslistening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, \"Mom, what is butt dust?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2913,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. \"Where is he?\" he shouts. \"Where's the guy who's been sleeping with you?\" \"I don't know what you're talking about\" she says so he tears the house apart looking for this guy. Finally he's on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. \"Aha!\" he thinks, \"That's the guy who's been sleeping with my wife.\" He's so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies.\n\nSo St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks \"What are you doing here?\" The guy says \"Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died.\" St. Peter says \"You don't belong here; go to Hell.\" He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappears.\n\nA few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks \"What are you doing here?\" The guy says \"I don't know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody throws a refrigerator at me.\" St. Peter wags his finger and says \"I heard about you... you go to Hell too.\" He pulls the lever and the guy disappears.\n\nA few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks \"What are you doing here?\" The guy says \"I don't know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business...\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2914,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, \"Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost.\" \"What do you mean almost?\" question the priest. \"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.\" \"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in,\" explains the priest. \"You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.\"\n\nThe man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, \"I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!\" \"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2915,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,\" Say, Father, what causes arthritis?\"\n\n\"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath.\" \"Well, I'll be damned,\" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. \n\nThe priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. \"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?\" \"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope has it real bad.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2916,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay check.\n\nAfter five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, \"Having children is an act of God!\"\n\nIn the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... \"Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2917,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show.\n\nRecently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet.\n\nDear Dr. Laura:\n\nThank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law.\n\nI have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.\n\nI do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:\n\nWhen I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?\n\nI would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?\n\nI know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual unseemliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.\n\nLev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?\n\nI have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?\n\nA friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?\n\nLev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?\n\nMost of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?\n\nI know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?\n\nMy uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)\n\nI know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.\n\nYour devoted fan,\n\n\"East Coast Resident\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2918,
"rating": 3.25
},
{
"body": "One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, \"Sorry, pal. No pets allowed.\" The man replied, \"This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see.\" The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, \"Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips.\" \n\nThe Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. \"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?\" asked the bartender. The man replied, \"I don't know. I've only had him for seven years.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 2919,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, \"You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand.\" \"That's right, Coach,\" replied the lineman. \"But, she's much better!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 2920,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. \"Can you tackle?\" asked the coach. \"Watch this,\" said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. \"Wow,\" said the coach. \"I'm impressed. Can you run?\"\n\n\"Of course I can run,\" said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. \"Great!\" enthused the coach. \"But can you pass a football?\" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. \"Well, sir,\" he said, \"if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 2921,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, \"So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?\" \"Oh, no,\" Baby Bear replied, \"I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me.\" \"Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear,\" answered the judge. \"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me.\" \"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?\" Baby Bear said, \"I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2922,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A couple of Yogi Berra's team mates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 2923,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: \"R-r-run you bastard, r-run will you!\" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams \"R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run will you!\" \n\nThe next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling \"R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run!\" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, \"He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.\" After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, \"Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 2924,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, \"You can't bring that dog in here.\" \"You don't understand,\" says the man. \"This is no regular dog, he can talk.\"\n\n\"Listen, pal,\" says the bartender. \"If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks. \"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, \"What's on top of a house?\"\n\n\"Roof!\" \"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?\" \"Bark!\" \"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?\" \"Ruth!\" \"I guess you've heard enough,\" says the man. \"I'll take the hundred in twenties.\" \n\nThe bartender is furious. \"Listen, pal,\" he says, \"get out of here before I belt you.\" As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, \"Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2925,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. \n\n\"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?\" \"The Red Sox.\" \n\n\"Why's that?\" \n\n\"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too.\" \n\n\"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?\" \n\n\"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 2926,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. \n\nThe young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.\n\nFinally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. \"Son\" he said, \"I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?\" \n\nThe boy responded, \"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.\" \"What was that?\" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, \"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.\" \"Look,\" said the old man, \"I can't understand a word you're saying.\" The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... \"You have to keep the worms warm!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2927,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. \n\nThe Mexican replied, \"Only a little while.\" The American then asked, \"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?\" The Mexican said, \"With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs.\" The American then asked, \"But what do you do with the rest of your time?\" \n\nThe Mexican fisherman said, \"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life.\"\n\nThe American scoffed, \"I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; Eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise.\"\n\nThe Mexican fisherman asked, \"But, how long will this all take?\" To which the American replied, \"15 to 20 years.\" \"But what then?\" asked the Mexican. The American laughed and said that's the best part. \"When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.\" \n\n\"Millions?...Then what?\" The American said, \"Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 2928,
"rating": 4.4
},
{
"body": "Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. \n\nEach hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in. The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. \n\nUnable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, \"Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 2929,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. \"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?\" he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. \"Are you sure?\" the friend persisted. \"What happens if you lose that ball?\" \n\nThe other guy replied, \"This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one.\" \"Well,\" the friend asked, \"what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?\" \"That's okay,\" he replied, \"This special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it.\" \n\n\"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?\" The other guy replied, \"That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem.\"\n\nExasperated, the friend asks, \"Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?\" \"No problem.\" says the other guy, \"You see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark.\" Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, \"Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?\" The other guy replies, \"I found it.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 2930,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, \"Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?\" \n\n\"Yes,\" the golfer responded. \n\n\"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?\" the cop asked. \"Yes, I did. How did you know?\" the golfer asked. \n\n\"Well,\" said the policeman very seriously, \"Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?\" \n\nThe golfer thought it over carefully and responded, \"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 2931,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.\n\nThe boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing. To which the boy replied, \"Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 2932,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved waders on and his favorite flies out of their box. \n\nStrangely though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather forecast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. \n\nHe asked him to take over his sermon. The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognize him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it.\n\nWith the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon.\n\nConfused the angel asked God, \"Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson.\" God replied \"I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2933,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Last winter, while sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. The guy could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.\n\nSpotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, \"Are there any gators around here?!\" \"Naw,\" the man hollered back, \"they ain't been around for years!\" \"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, \"How did you get rid of the gators?\" \"We didn't do nothin',\" the beachcomber said. \"The sharks got 'em.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2934,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks \"Any luck?\"\n\"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday\" he boasts.\n\"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?\" asks the stranger.\n\"Nope.\" \"Well, meet the new game warden.\"\n\"Oh,\" gulped the fisherman. \"Well, do you know who I am?\"\n\"Nope\".\n\"Meet the biggest liar in the state.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 2935,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.\n\nThe poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: \"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying.\"\n\n\"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.\n\nAnd just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 2936,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.\n\nHe is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.\n\nSaint Peter says, \"Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.\n\nI must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.\"\n\nForrest responds, \"It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.\"\n\nSaint Peter goes on, \"Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?\"\n\nForrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.\n\nSaint Peter waves him up and asks, \"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.\"\nForrest says, \"Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow.\"\n\nThe saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, \"Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?\" says Saint Peter. \"How many seconds in a year?\"\n\n\"Now that one's harder,\" says Forrest. \"But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.\"\n\nAstounded, Saint Peter says, \"Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?\"\n\nForrest says, \"Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second.......\"\n\n\"Hold it,\" interrupts Saint Peter. \"I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too.\"\n\n\"Let's go on with the next and final question,\" says Saint Peter. \"Can you tell me God's first name?\"\n\nForrest says, \"Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard.\"\n\n\"Howard?!\" asks Saint Peter. \"What makes you think it's Howard?!\"\n\nForrest answers, \"It's in the prayer.\"\n\n\"The prayer?\" asks Saint Peter, \"Which prayer?\"\n\n\"You know, The Lord's Prayer,\" responds Forrest.......\n\n\"Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2937,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie did appear!\n\nThis particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, \"Make the entire ocean into beer!\"\n\nImmediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned to the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the sudden stillness as the the two men considered their circumstances.\n\nThe other man looked disgustedly at the one who's wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: \"Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!!\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2938,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.\n\nThen a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful after-school enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.\n\nThe next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, \"You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each two dollars if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing.\"\n\nThe kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. \"Look,\" he said, \"I haven't received my Social Security (Pension) check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?\"\n\n\"A lousy quarter?\" the drum leader exclaimed. \"If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!\"\n\nAnd the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 2939,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, \"What is three times three?\"\n\n\"274\" was his reply.\n\nThe doctor says to the second man, \"It's your turn. What is three times three?\"\n\n\"Tuesday,\" replies the second man.\n\nThe doctor says to the third man, \"OK, Your turn. What's three times three?\"\n\n\"Nine,\" says the third man.\n\n\"That's great,\" says the doctor. \"How did you get that?\"\n\n\"Simple,\" says the third man, \"I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2940,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, \"Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill.\"\n\nLater, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.\n\nBills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.\n\n\"Well,\" said the other brother, \"you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 2941,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A young man was walking through a super-market to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him.\n\n\"Excuse me,\" he said. \"Can I help you?\"\n\n\"Oh, Pardon me,\" the old woman replied. \"I'm sorry if my staring has made you uncomfortable. But you look just like my son. He died recently and I never got to say goodbye.\"\n\n\"I'm very sorry,\" replied the young man. \"Is there anything I can do for you?\"\n\n\"Yes,\" she said, \"as I'm leaving, would you say 'Goodbye, mother?' It would make me feel so much better.\"\n\n\"Sure,\" answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, \"Goodbye, Mother!\"\n\nThen, as he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was nearly $200.\n\n\"How can that be?\" he asked. \"I only purchased a few things!\"\n\nThe clerk replied, \"Your mother said you'd pay for her.\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 2942,
"rating": 3.25
},
{
"body": "The old man was setting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. \"What are you selling, young man,\" the elderly gentleman asked.\n\n\"I'm not selling anything, sir,\" the young man replied. \"I'm a Census Taker.\"\n\n\"A what?\" the old man asked.\n\n\"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the country.\"\n\n\"Well,\" the man answered, \"you're wasting your time with me... I have no idea!\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 2943,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, \"Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.\"\n\n\"But you're not wearing any of those things,\" replied the artist.\n\n\"I know,\" she said. \"It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2944,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to recount the most frightening experience he had ever had.\n\n\"Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India,\" the old explorer said. \"I was pushing through the brush on a narrow trail. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of me! I grabbed my rifle and fired instantly, only to find that it had jammed! The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRR! I soiled\nmyself.\"\n\nThe reporter felt somewhat embarassed for the old man. \"Under those circumstances,\" he said, \"I think anyone would have done the same.\"\n\n\"No, no,\" the old explorer said. \"Not then - just now when I went ROARRR!\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 2945,
"rating": 2.67
},
{
"body": "A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the\nobituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obituary editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, \"Well then, let it read: 'Fred Brown died.'\"\n\nAmused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, \"In that case, let it read: 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale.'\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 2946,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "At some point in time, a bad spell of wet weather came over a southern state, flooding most of many counties. Since the water was about six feet deep outside (and inside) their house, one family spent its time sitting on the porch roof, watching the wreckage float by.\n\nThe son happened to notice a nice straw hat as it went downstream. \"My,\" he thought, \"I'll bet the person who lost that hat is sorry now!\"\n\nAfter the hat had floated out of sight around the corner of the house, the boy kept watching the river. Suddenly, much to his surprise, here comes the hat, floating upstream, against the current!\n\nThis was obviously very strange, so the lad kept his eye on it. It floated upstream and around the other corner of the house... and came floating back down again. After a while, it came back upstream yet again, rounding the corner of the house.\n\nFinally, the boy could stand it no longer and pointed out the hat to his mother, asking her whatever could cause such a sight. His mother replied, \"Oh, that's just your grandfather. He swore it'd take more than a few drops of rain to keep him from mowing the lawn today.\"",
"category": "Crazy Jokes",
"id": 2947,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An old man went to the doctor for his yearly physical. His wife came along to keep him company. The doctor checked his reflexes, looked down his throat, and listened to his chest with a stethescope. He made a few notes and said, \"I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.\"\n\n\"What?\" said the old man, being hard of hearing.\n\n\"I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample,\" repeated the doctor loudly.\n\n\"What did he say?\" shouted the old man, looking at his wife. \"What's he want?\"\n\nHis wife yelled into his ear, \"He needs your underwear!\"",
"category": "Old Age",
"id": 2948,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Ant Jokes\n\nWhere do ants go for their holidays?\nFrants!\n\nWhat do you call an ant who skips school?\nA truant!\n\nWhat do you get if you cross ants with ticks?\nAll sorts of antics!\n\nWhat do you call a greedy ant?\nAn anteater!\n\nWhy did the elephant put his trunk across the path?\nTo trip up the ants!\n\nWhat is even bigger than an elephant?\nA giant!\n\nWhat medicine would you give a sick ant?\nAntibiotics!\n\nWhat do you call an ant from overseas?\nImportant!",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2949,
"rating": 0.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2950,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because\nno matter how legitimate my illness, because I always sense my boss thinks I am\nlying.\n\nOn one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway\nbecause the truth was to humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that\nI had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in\nthe next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage\non my crown.\n\nIn this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in\nthe place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because\nI conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty\n\nAs the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower\nafter breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.\n\"Ed!\" she harkened. \"The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.\" \"You\nknow where the button is.\" I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).\n\n\"Reset it yourself!\"\n\n\"I am scared!\" She pleaded. \"What if it starts going and\nsucks me in?\"\n\nPause. \"C'mon, it'll only take a second.\" No logical assurance\nabout how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person\nwho suffers from \"Big-ol-scary-machine-phobia,\" a condition brought on\nby watching too many Stephen King movies.\n\nIt is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling\nLloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact,\npossess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with\nthat the rest of my life.\n\nSo out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to\nmake a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, not without consequence,\nbut it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under\nthe sink to find the button.\n\nIt is the last action I remember performing. It struck\nwithout warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a\nhexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new\nkitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs.\nShe (\"Buttons\" aka \"the Grater\") had been poised around the corner and\nstalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I\nwas most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged\nthem with her needle-like claws.\n\nNow when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close\nto their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly\nbodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort\ninwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a\nwell trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full\nweight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure.\nWild animals are sometimes faced with a \"fight or flight\" syndrome; men,\nin this predicament, choose only the \"flight\" option.\n\nFleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels\nwhen it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great\nheights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly\nimpeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.\n\nWhen I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.\nHaving been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried\nto conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife\ntold me I should be flattered.\n\nAt the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation\nout of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. \"What's\nthe matter, cat got your tongue?\"\n\nIf they had only known.",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2951,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don't let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active. The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won't be a problem. Start with a few\nwind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up.\n\nNow it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge. Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macram\u00e9 plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.\n\nNow put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.\n\nHave a good Work-Out!",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2952,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2953,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2954,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me:\nTwelve bags of catnip!\nEleven tarter Pounce treats,\nTen ornaments hanging,\nNine wads of Kleenex,\nEight peacock feathers,\nSeven stolen Q-tips,\nSix feathered balls,\nFive MILK JUG RINGS!\nFour munchy house plants,\nThree running faucets,\nTwo fuzzy mousies,\nAnd a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2955,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2956,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Now I lay me down to sleep,\nThe king-size bed is soft and deep..\nI sleep right in the center groove\nMy human cannot hardly move!\nI've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight\nAnd here is where I pass the night\nNo one disturbs me or dares intrude\nTill morning comes and \"I want food!\"\nI sneak up slowly to begin\nmy nibbles on my human's chin.\nShe wakes up quickly,\nI have sharp teeth-\nAnd my claws I will unsheath\nFor the morning here\nand it's time to play\nalways seem to get my way.\nSo thank you Lord for giving me\nThis human person that I see.\nThe one who hugs me and holds me tight\nAnd sacrifices her bed at night!",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2957,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2958,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick\nthemselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in\ntheir saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt\nwhere it hides and whisking it away.\n\nI've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind\nbelievers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary -\nthe kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt\nsmudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.\n\nThe time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must\nlook squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary\nand announce: \"This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in\nJuarez.\" When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I\nhave some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend\nunder your arm and head for the bathtub:",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2959,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves\nclean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva\nthat works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides\nand whisking it away.\n\nI've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind\nbelievers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the\nkitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that\ncling to the throw rug by the fireplace.\n\nThe time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must\nlook squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and\nannounce: \"This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez.\"\n\nWhen that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some\nadvice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm\nand head for the bathtub:\n\n* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack\nof concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize\non that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him\nin an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small\nbathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that\nyou get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if\nyou were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do.\nA berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than\na politician can shift positions.)\n\n* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the\nskin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know\nhow to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into\nhigh-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet,\na hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.\n\n* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel\nwhen you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water.\nMake sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make\nsure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the\nwater.\n\n* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if\nto simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your\nstrange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If\nhe does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a\nproduct- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)\n\n* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival.\nIn a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure,\nslide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with\nshampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats\nhave no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem\nis radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that\ntwo or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember\nto give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring\nfree and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national\nrecord is - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect too much.)\n\n* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this\npart will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this\npoint and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying\nis simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by\nnow the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop\nthe drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally,\nhowever, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If\nthis happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage\nhim toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is\na simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.\n\nIn a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg.\nHe will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend\na lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic\nand develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.\n\nYou will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case.\nAs a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure\nyou for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least\nnow he smells a lot better",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2960,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2961,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2962,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2963,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2964,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Is your devotion to your cat and \"cat things\" in the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme? Or are you an all out shameless \"cat-a-holic?\"\nLet's just see how you rate as a \"cat person,\" shall we? See how many of these can you give an HONEST \"yes\" answer to:",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2965,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Now I lay me down to sleep,\nI pray this cushy life to keep.\nI pray for toys that look like mice,\nAnd sofa cushions, soft and nice.\nI pray for gourmet kitty snacks,\nAnd someone nice to scratch my back,\nFor windowsills all warm and bright,\nFor shadows to explore at night.\nI pray I'll always stay real cool\nAnd keep the secret feline rule\nTo NEVER tell a human that\nThe world is really ruled by CATS!\n\n~ Author Unknown",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2966,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "\"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.\"--Unknown\n\n\"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have\n never forgotten this.\"--Anonymous\n\n\"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.\"--Jeff Valdez\n\n\"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.\"\n--Ellen Perry Berkeley\n\n\"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to\n you later.\"--Mary Bly\n\n\"Cats are rather delicate creatures\n and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one\n who suffered from insomnia.\"--Joseph Wood Krutch\n\n\"People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.\"\n --Faith Resnick\n\n\"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.\"--Anonymous\n\n\"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats\n is infinitely superior.\"--Hippolyte Taine\n\n\"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.\"--Anonymous",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2967,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2968,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2969,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "How to tell if your cat has a problem by asking yourself the following\nquestions:",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2970,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2971,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "** DOORS:\n\nDo not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on\nhind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary\nto use it. After you have ordered an \"outside\" door opened, stand halfway\nin and out and think about several things. This is particularly important\nduring very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors\nare to be avoided at all costs.\n\n** CHAIRS and RUGS:\n\nIf you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage\nin time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.\nWhen throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as\nlong as the human's bare foot.\n\n** BATHROOMS:\n\nAlways accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything\n-- just sit and stare.\n\n** HAMPERING:\n\nIf one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other\nis idle, stay with the busy one. This is called \"helping\", otherwise known\nas \"hampering.\" Following are the rules for \"hampering\":\n\na) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.\nYou cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on\nand then picked up and comforted.\n\nb) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,\nunless you can lie across the book itself.\n\nc) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate\nmanner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important\npart. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil\nor knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember,\nthe aim is to hamper work.\n\nEmbroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of\nwhat the humans may tell you.\n\nd) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes\nor Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper!\nFirst, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from\nthe side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the\npapers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed\nfor the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one\nat a time.\n\ne) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure\nto jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.\n\n** WALKING:\n\nAs often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front\nof the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their\narms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will\nhelp their coordination skills.\n\n** BEDTIME:\n\nAlways sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move round.\n\n** PLAY:\n\nThis is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime\nso you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite\ncat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity\nat all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling\noff a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say \"I MEANT\nto do that!\" It fools those humans every time.\n\nCAT GAMES:\n\n\"Catch Mouse\":\n\nThe humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers\nare their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored\nto be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has\never been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious\nattack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get\nthem. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!\n\n\"King of the Hill\":\n\nThis game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the\nmerrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended\nat all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for\nthe development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing\ntheater into account.\n\nWARNING:\n\nPlaying either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from\nthe bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless,\nimmediately begin purring and cuddle up to them.\n\nThis should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens\nto be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the\nHill.\n\n** TOYS:\n\nAny small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it,\nthis means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably\noutraged when the human grabs you and takes it away.\n\nAlways watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable\nsources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types\nof cat toys.\n\nBright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so\nthat the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally\ngood for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.\n\nDangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains,\nand dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans\nwho like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string\nis dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug\nMouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are\nsneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity.\n\n** PAPER BAGS:\n\nWithin paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged\nto be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily\nhear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything,\nup to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note:\nany other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for\na Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.\n\n** FOOD:\n\nIn order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat.\nEating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food.\nCats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving\nto death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself.\n\nThe following are guidelines for getting fed.\n\na) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail\nin their dishes when they are not looking.\n\nb) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the\ntable.\n\nc) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough\nto drink from.\n\nd) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite\nto attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will usually not\nbe so polite and try to leave.\n\ne) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately\nunwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright\nfor food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques\nexist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include,\nbut are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the \"softest\" human and\npurring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the\nkitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit\nand eat while meowing plaintively.\n\n** SLEEPING:\n\nAs mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat\nmust get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find comfortable\nplace to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if\nit contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating\nduct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist\noutdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on\ncurrent and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are\na good compromise.\n\n** SCRATCHING POSTS:\n\nIt is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide.\nThey are very protective of what they think is their property and will\nobject strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky\nand doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant.\nIf you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a\nhuman is a definite no-no!\n\n** HUMANS:\n\nHumans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give\nattention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain\none's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the\nmaster of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught\nif you start early and are consistent.\n\nYou will then have a smooth-running household.",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2972,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2973,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2974,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2975,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2976,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2977,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2978,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2979,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2980,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2981,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2982,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2983,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2984,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2985,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2986,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2987,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2988,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2989,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2990,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2991,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2992,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2993,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2994,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2995,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2996,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2997,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2998,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 2999,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3000,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3001,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3002,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3003,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3004,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3005,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3006,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3007,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Dashing through the park\nWith our noses to the ground\nWalking on our ears\nPretending to be hounds\nNot using our eyes\nWe navigate by smell\nIf its over an inch high\nThen, it\u0092s got a tale to tell\n\nOh, Doggie smells\nDoggie smells\nOutside of our home\nOh we love those doggie smells\nWhen on the leash we roam\n\nDoggie smells\nDoggie smells\nMarking every tree\nAll our other doggie friends\nHave stopped right here to pee!",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3008,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3009,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3010,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.\n\n\nThe CAT",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3011,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, \"Jesus is watching you.\"\n\nSilence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. \"Jesus is watching you,\" the voice boomed again.\n\nThe burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, \"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?\"\n\n\"Yes\", said the parrot.\n\nThe burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, \"What's your name?\"\n\n\"Clarence,\" said the bird.\n\n\"That's a dumb name for a parrot,\" sneered the burglar. \"What idiot named you Clarence?\"\n\nThe parrot said, \"The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus.\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3012,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Markin' around The Christmas Tree\nWhat a doggie holiday\nJust doin' what comes naturally\nEven though it's Christmas Day\n\nMarkin' around The Christmas Tree\nGotta squirt each present twice\nSpreading our scent on all this stuff\nIt's a doggie paradise\n\nThere may be some screaming when the humans rise at dawn\n(but remember)\nGrandma wraps her gifts in plastic\nHey - come on - it's nothing drastic\n\nMarkin' around the Christmas tree\nWe just do what boydogs do\nDoin our duty gracefully\nAnd we'll share our loot with you\n\nMarkin' around the Christmas tree\nAll precautions were in vain\nWe must own everything we see\nSo we stake our doggie claim\n\nMarkin' around the Christmas tree\nWe don't see the problem here\nBut if we're caught we know that we\nWill be dragged off by the ear\n\nPeople shout and tell us we are evil little curs\n(but remember)\nWe're not trying to be snotty\nYOU installed this indoor potty\n\nMarkin' around the Christmas Tree\nGonna check our list off twice\nWhen Santa visits, we know he\nCan just sniff out who is NICE!",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3013,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3014,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3015,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3016,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Oh the snow in the yard is yellow\nThanks to our doggie fellow\nBut the droppings sink way down low\nLet it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!\n\nSo the scooper sits rusting outside\nAs we wait for Spring and \"low tide\"\nThe piles will wait down below\nLet it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!\n\nIn the warmth of the summer sun\nWe must scoop every day in the yard\nBut as soon as the winter comes\nFinding the stuff gets quite hard\n\nWhile the piles sit there fertilizing\nOur backs aren\u0092t exercising\nOur rest is short, this we know\n(please)\nLet it snow. Let it snow. Let it snow!",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3017,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3018,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "jingle, tingle, jingle, tingle, jingle tingle,\noh...\n\nJust hear those dog tags jingling\nRing ting tingling too\nCome on it\u0092s lovely weather\nFor a walkie together with you\n\nOh it\u0092s just like Iditarod\nPulling you on the ice\nWe\u0092ve got the leashes in our mouths\nWe\u0092re not gonna ask twice\n\nGiddy-yup giddy-yup, giddy-yup let's go\nWe\u0092ll eat all the snow\nWe\u0092ll drag you around till your cheeks glow\nGiddy-yup giddy-yup, giddy-yup it's grand\nTugging at your hand\nWe\u0092re galloping after the scent of a doggie parade that\u0092s grand\n\nThe other dogs are out there now\nMaking tracks in the snow\nAll the best smells are fading fast\nTo the park we must go\n\nSo grab that leash and hurry up\nAnxious doggies are we\nWe\u0092re loaded up with water\nSo we can mark every tree!",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3019,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3020,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3021,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3022,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3023,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone...\n\n\"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake,\" said an angry voice.\n\nBernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.\n\nThe next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back ...\n\n\"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog.\"",
"category": "Animals",
"id": 3024,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3025,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3026,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3027,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "HOBBIES, TECHNICAL:\n\n\nHOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL:\n\n1992 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:\n\n1996 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:Technical Thug: Richard Stallman - Larry Wall.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3028,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3029,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3030,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Dear Sir,\n\nI've been having some conflicts between programs lately. I've been running\nthe original version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 as my primary application and\nall the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.\nI hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background\nmode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find\nthe switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately and it works\nokay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf\nprogram, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.\n\nI probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might\nsee better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and\nother problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend\n2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0,\nand eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right\n- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that,\nI installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone\nbut the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my\nwhole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend\n4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection\nprogram. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend\n1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend\n4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about\nthat automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend\nand communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal\nof both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are\nstill some problems.\n\nLike all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language\nI can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too\nmuch attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality.\nAlso, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have\nto use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally\nobject-oriented.\n\nA year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus\n1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered\nthat GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fianc\u00e9\n1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which\nhe describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space so he\ncan't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with\nWife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out\nthat the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access\nto FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top\nof that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he\ncan do anything.\n\nAlthough he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 also came with MotherInLaw\n1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him\nto try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he'd heard that if you try\nto run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney\nfiles before doing the uninstall itself. Then, Mistress 1.0 won't install\nanyway because of insufficient resources.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3031,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3032,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3033,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX\n\nCostello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of\na program?\n\nAbbott: Yes, that's correct.\n\nCostello: No, what is it?\n\nAbbott: Yes.\n\nCostello: So, which is the one?\n\nAbbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.\n\nCostello: Stop this. Who are you?\n\nAbbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to\nget information about yoo'.\n\nCostello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?\n\nAbbott: Use 'what'.\n\nCostello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?\n\nAbbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.\n\nCostello: Which one?\n\nAbbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which is program name'\n\nCostello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find\nit?\n\nAbbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program'\nto get the revision code.\n\nCostello: I want to find the revision code.\n\nAbbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.\n\nCostello: Which command will do what I need?\n\nAbbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.\n\nCostello: I think I understand. Let me write that.\n\nAbbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.\n\nCostello: Write what?\n\nAbbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.\n\nCostello: Cut that out!\n\nAbbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.\n\nCostello: Do you always do this?\n\nAbbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.\n\nCostello: HELP!\n\nAbbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).\n\nCostello: You make me angry.\n\nAbbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when\nI was upset once.\n\nCostello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.\n\nAbbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has\n'more'.\n\nCostello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!\n\nAbbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is\nbetter not to 'nice help' and 'more now' is not allowed, but 'at now' is.\nUnless of course 'now' is a file name.\n\nCostello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.\n\nAbbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the\nPascal compiler team.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3034,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,\nSystem manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,\nLonging for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.\nHaving reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,\nI then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,\nOnly this and nothing more.\n\nDeep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,\nDoubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.\nBut the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.\n\"Save!\" I said, \"You cursed machine! Save my data from before!\"\nOne thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,\nJust, \"Abort, Retry, Ignore?\"\n\nWas this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?\nThese were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.\nCarefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.\nThe cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.\nClearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,\nFrom \"Abort, Retry, Ignore?\"\n\nWith fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,\nLonging for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,\nPraying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.\nBut on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.\nGhastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,\nSaying \"Abort, Retry, Ignore?\"\n\nI tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.\nI pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.\nNow in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,\nStill there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.\nCursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.\nReading, \"Abort, Retry, Ignore?\"\n\nThere I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.\nGetting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.\nAnd then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.\nA gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.\nThe lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.\nNot even, \"Abort, Retry, Ignore?\"\n\nTo this day I do not know, the place to which lost data go.\nWhat demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,\nBeyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?\nBut sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,\nYou will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,\nPleading, \"Abort, Retry, Ignore?\"",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3035,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whther you think the glass is half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3036,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3037,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3038,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3039,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3040,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3041,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "The \"I Love You\" virus that infects users of Microsoft's outlook has morphed. Watch for these variations:",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3042,
"rating": 2.33
},
{
"body": "Disclaimer to be used when purchasing software: \n\nThis check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged, return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion. No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency. Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don't come whimpering back to me if it bounces. \n\nThe money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I'm going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it.\n\nThis agreement supersedes all others between us, including the equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The location of your version of this or any other covenant between us is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains, and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede yours even if yours said... Oh well. You get the idea.\n\nYou may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however, you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly accept these terms by:",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3043,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3044,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3045,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, \"So, what was wrong?\"\n\nAnd he replied, \"It was an ID Ten T Error.\"\n\nA puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. \"An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?\"\n\nHe gave her a grin... \"Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?\"\n\n\"No,\" replied Judy.\n\n\"Write it down,\" he said, \"and I think you'll figure it out.\"\n\n(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3046,
"rating": 4.33
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3047,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3048,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3049,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3050,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3051,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3052,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3053,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "They're know miss steaks in this newsletter cause we used special soft wear witch cheques you're spelling. It is mower or lass a weigh to verify. How ever is can knot correct arrows in punctuation ore usage: an it will not fined words witch are miss used butt spelled rite. Four example; a paragraph could have mini flaws but wood bee past by the spell checker. And it wont catch the sentence fragment which you. Their fore, the massage is that proofreading is knot eliminated, it is still berry much reek wired.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3054,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3055,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3056,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3057,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Hello. Yes, you! You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary-eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your Internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help. We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.\n\nWe feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never \"cured,\" you most certainly can recover.\n\nWe have designed a brief checklist to determine IF you are an addict. Do you:",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3058,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3059,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.\nA: Pick it up and shake it.\n\nQ: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the\nscreen.\nA: Pick it up and shake it.\n\nQ: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?\nA: Pick it up and shake it.\n\nQ: What's the shortcut for Undo?\nA: Pick it up and shake it.\n\nQ: How do I create an empty New Document window?\nA: Pick it up and shake it.\n\nQ: How do I Exit without Saving?\nA: Pick it up and shake it.\n\nQ: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?\nA: Pick it up and shake it.\n\nQ: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?\nA: Pick it up and shake it.\n\nQ: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?\nA: Pick it up and shake it.\n\nQ: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle\nof my work?\nA: Stop shaking it.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3060,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3061,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "If you receive an email entitled \"Fighting Canaries,\" delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.\n\nIt will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on all of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play.\n\nIt will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk freezes. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your sodas. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.\n\nIts radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your\nNair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing the rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and\nthrow things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.\n\nIf the message is opened in a Windows 98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.\n\nIt will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.\n\nIt is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs of infection.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3062,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3063,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3064,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "In the beginning, there was chaos and the Universe was without form\nand void. The Lord looked upon His domain and decided to declare His presence.\n\"I be\" he said, then to correct his grammar added \"am.\" If the Lord had\ndecided to work on irregular verb conjugation first, this wouldn't have\nhappened. God would later curse the English language for its part, but\nin that moment IBM came into being. The Lord looked out upon the IBM He\nhad created and said \"This is good.\" That's what He said, but He shook\nhis head, wondered what the boys at the User Group would say, split the\nlight from the dark and went to bed. Thus passed the Beginning and the\nend of the first day.\n\nOn the second day, the Lord summoned IBM unto His presence. \"There is\nchaos out there, and the Universe is without form and void. I must correct\nthis and I can use your help. Is there anything you can do for me?\"\n\n\"I can take care of form,\" IBM replied. \"Put me in charge of computers\nand I will take care of form for you.\"\n\nThe Lord thought that this was good and said \"Let there be computers.\nLet IBM have my powers of creation that pertain to computers and form.\"\nThus saying, the Lord went off to His second day's work while IBM created\nthe 1401.\n\nOn the third day, while the Lord was out, IBM decided to subdivide the\nassgined task. \"Let there be systems that make the computer work and let\nthem be called Operating Systems. Let there also be systems that make use\nof the computer and let them be called Application Systems.\" Thus, there\ncame into being both Operating Systems and Application Systems, but there\nwere no programmers.\n\nThe next morning IBM had to give the Lord a status report.\n\n\"What did you do yesterday?\" the Lord asked.\n\n\"I invented the operating system\" IBM replied.\n\n\"You did?\" the Lord shuddered. \"Oh dear.\"\n\n\"Yes I did,\" IBM confirmed, \"but I find I need something you alone can\nprovide.\"\n\n\"And what is that?\"\n\n\"I need programmers to use my computers, to operate my operating system\nand to apply my applications.\"\n\n\"That can't be done now,\" said the Lord. \"This is only the fourth day\nand there won't be people until the sixth day.\"\n\n\"I need programmers and I need them now. If they can't be people they\ncan't be people, but we have to work this out today.\"\n\n\"Give me some specifications and I'll see what I can do.\" IBM hastily\nworked up specs for programmers (are specs ever anything other than hasty)\nand the Lord reviewed them. The Lord knew the specs weren't sufficient\nbut followed them anyway. He also made some programmers that did just what\nprogrammers were supposed to do, just to spite IBM. The programmers and\nIBM spent the rest of the day creating the Assembler and FORTRAN. On the\nmorning of the fifth day, IBM reported to the Lord once again.\n\n\"The programmers you created for me have a problem. They want a programming\nlanguage that is easy to use and similar to English. I told them you had\ncursed English, though I still don't know why. They wanted me to ask your\nindulgence on this.\"\n\nThe Lord had cursed English for good reason, but didn't want to explain\nthis to IBM. He said \"let there be COBOL\" and that was that.\n\nOn the status report of the next day IBM announced that computers had\ngone forth and multiplied. Unfortunately, the computers still weren't big\nenough or fast enough to do what the programmers wanted. The Lord liked\nthe idea of going forth multiplying, and used the line Himself later on\nthat day. This sixth day being particularly busy, He declared \"Let there\nbe MVS\" and there was MVS.\n\nOn the seventh day God had finished creation and computers had COBOL\nand MVS. The Lord and IBM took the day off to go fishing. IBM hung a sign\non the door to help programmers in his absence.\n\n\nOn the start of the second week the programmers went over IBM's cathode\nray tube directly to God. \"We have a horrible problem,\" they complained.\n\"Our users want systems that perform according to their expectations.\"\n\n\"USERS!\" the Lord bellowed. \"Who said that you should have users! Users\nare the difference between good and bad applications, a function I have\nreserved unto myself! Who authorized you to have users?\"\n\n\"Well, IBM...\"\n\n\"IBM!! You!! You did this to my programmers! You gave them the knowledge\nof good and evil. For that you shall suffer through eternity! Let there\nbe competition. Let it be called Anacom, and Burroughs, and CDC.\" The Lord\nwent through the alphabet several times. \"With all this competition you\nshall still suffer the pain of antitrust legislation all the days of your\nexistence.\"\n\nThis was the start of the second week, and it seems an appropriate place\nto conclude our report. In case you missed something, a summary of key\npoints follows.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3065,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Face it, you're gonna have to go outside eventually. Sure, Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco Bell does deliveries, but, mark my words: some day you're going to HAVE to push away from the computer and go ... OUTSIDE!!! Here's a guide:",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3066,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3067,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3068,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3069,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3070,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3071,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "\"Honor System Virus\"\n\nThis virus works on the honor system.\n\nPlease delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know. Thank you for your cooperation.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3072,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light\nbulb?\nA: 1,331:",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3073,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3074,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3075,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3076,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3077,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3078,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3079,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3080,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3081,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3082,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Like every other techie, I couldn't wait to get my hands on the just released, state-of-the-art, 64-bit, 128 mega-RAM, 48x, 24/7, in your face, out of your control Microself Windows 2001. Yes, that was me at the front of the line in our local Get-a-Life Software store, waiting, waiting, for the moment when the future went on sale. And now that the future is installed in my computer, there's no looking back.\n\nTo be truthful, I don't use computers. They use me. They use me as a portal between the glittering new world of information and the mundane world where ordinary people have to eat and talk and sometimes be sad. Computers use my nimble fingers to unlock their codes, releasing raw information into the ether. Taking my mission as seriously as I do, I wanted the most up-to-the-second tool on the market. And that's why, the day after I installed Windows 2001, I was back at Get-a-Life buying the upgrade, Windows 2001, version 2.0.\n\nWith Windows 2001 2.0, I don't process information. I download it into my body. Using Windows' revolutionary US-ME serial port installed in my navel, I plug myself into my computer. Like the umbilical cord that fed me when I was mere flesh, the US-ME cable feeds raw data straight into my bloodstream. There it flows until it reaches the central processing unit I used to call my brain. And there, Windows' revolutionary Brain Bot - a tiny microchip embedded in my cerebrum -- turns that raw data into wisdom that makes me smarter, richer, and so much wiser than the rest of you.\n\nDid you know that the capital of Uganda is Kampala? That Soupy Sales had a lion puppet named Pookie? That the square root of 3 is 1.732? And that today's kids will spend 23 years of their lives on the Internet swimming through vital data like this? O, it's a changing world, my friend. When you leave your Silicon Valley job for two weeks of R & R, take a cruise to Antarctica, step onto an ice floe and see penguins crowded around a laptop checking out The Weather Channel, get worried!\n\nBut I'm not worried, I'm wired. Wired to the upgraded upgrade I bought last weekend. Windows 2001 3.0 is the one with HandPrint, the printer driver that drives my digital age. Using HandPrint, I don't need an ordinary printer. I just click a button on my wrist and my hand begins scrolling across a blank page printing my raw data in any of 1,257 perfect fonts. The moving hand writes, and having writ, gives way to ear-mail.\n\nI know, I know. You all have e-mail accounts. You can e-mail Bill Gates if you want. The Pope. Your dog if you're on vacation in Antarctica. But only Windows 2001 4.0, which I bought yesterday, has ear-mail.\n\nWhen I hear a voice from the ether saying \"You've got mail!\" I run to the nearest phone. Then I run my ear-mail cord from the phone to an input implanted below my left ear. Within seconds, I'm hearing the mail read by a soothing voice that sounds a little like James Earl Jones on Prozac. To reply, I simply speak my answer, press the same button on my wrist, and presto. I unplug and go back to my daily duty of becoming richer,\nsmarter, and wiser. There's also a wireless version of e-mail but that won't come out until version 5.0 is released tomorrow. I plan to get in line at Get-a-Life sometime before midnight.\n\nBut where, you ask, is this wireless world headed? To be truthful, I'm not sure, but it sure is fun. Perhaps when I'm even richer, smarter, and wiser than I am now, thanks to\nWindows 2001 6.0 due out this weekend, I'll have an answer. Until then, you'll have to excuse me. I have mail.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3083,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3084,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3085,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3086,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says:\n\n\"And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, \"Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?\"\n\nAnd Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, \"How, Dear?\" And Dot replied, \"I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)\".\n\nAbraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.\n\nThey were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.\n\nAnd Dot did say, \"Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others\". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, \"eBay,\" he said, \"we need a name of a service that reflects what we are,\" and Dot replied, \"Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.\" \"Whoopee!\", said Abraham. \"No, YAHOO!\", said Dot Com.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3087,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3088,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3089,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3090,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3091,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3092,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3093,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3094,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3095,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3096,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3097,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM\nBranch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us\nguys find it rather funny.\n\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3098,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3099,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Loading, loading, loading,\nDamn this Java coding,\nFeeling of foreboding, Reload!\nThe Applet says it's running,\nAnd that big gray block is stunning,\nBut the screen remains as blank as my mind\nNetscape crash, Boot 'em up!\nNet goes down, Dial back!\nLogging on, Still off-line!\nReload!\nTry it now, Still not up!\nNetscape crashed, What, again?\nBoot it up, Log it in,\nReload!\n\nTighten, tweaking', smoothen,\nThey say the codes improvin',\nSo how come I'm still usin' \"reload\"?\nI'm tired of all this waitin',\nJust give me .gif animation,\nThis code is only good for wasting time,\nThe applet says it's running,\nAnd gray block is quite stunning,\nBut the screen remains as blank as my mind,",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3100,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3101,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "If you're brain required an operating system like your computer\ndoes, what would it be like?",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3102,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3103,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "For immediate issue:\nPassword Security Guidelines V2.2b\n\nDue to new security policies, the following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely.\n\nPasswords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3104,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3105,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.\nHe installed His software on the hard disk of my heart,\nAll of His commands are user friendly,\nHis directory moves me to the right choices for His name's sake.\n\nEven though I scroll through the problems of file,\nI will fear no bugs, for You are my backup;\nYour password protects me;\nYou prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies;\nYour help is only a key away.\n\nSurely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,\nAnd my file will be merged with His and saved forever.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3106,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "You know you're a good ol' boy computer operator if...",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3107,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A computer was something on tv\nFrom a science fiction show\nA window was something you hated to clean...\nAnd ram was the cousin of a goat...\n\nMeg was the name of my girlfriend\nAnd gig was your middle finger upright\nNow they all mean different things\nAnd that really mega bytes\n\nAn application was for employment\nA program was a tv show\nA cursor used profanity\nA keyboard was a piano\n\nMemory was something that you lost with age\nA cd was a bank account\nAnd if you had a 3 1/2\" floppy\nYou hoped nobody found out\n\nCompress was something you did to the garbage\nNot something you did to a file\nAnd if you unzipped anything in public\nYou'd be in jail for a while\n\nLog on was adding wood to the fire\nHard drive was a long trip on the road\nA mouse pad was where a mouse lived\nAnd a backup happened to your commode\n\nCut you did with a pocket knife\nPaste you did with glue\nA web was a spider's home\nAnd a virus was the flu\n\nI guess I'll stick to my pad and paper\nAnd the memory in my head\nI hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash\nBut when it happens they wish they were dead",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3108,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Computers will never be completely \"Idiot Proof\" because Idiots continue to be so resourceful.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3109,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A peek into the thoughts of computer techs worldwide ...an end user's guide to technical services.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3110,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "New York -- People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's \"watch list\" of companies that regularly practice software testing.\n\n\"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products,\" said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for PETS. \"Alternative methods of testing these products are available.\"\n\nAccording to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to \"break\" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke\nabout \"torturing\" the software.\n\n\"It's no joke,\" said Grandola. \"Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and \"crashed\" for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore.\"\n\nGrandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs.\n\n\"We know that alternatives to this horror exist,\" he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become successful without resorting to software testing.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3111,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3112,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3113,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3114,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3115,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3116,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3117,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The annual internet clean up campaign will take place on the evening of March 31st beginning at 9pm EST and continue until April 1st 9am EST. This annual event occurs to remove the trash that forms on the internet throughout the year. Without this annual cleanup campaign the Internet would become so overrun with trash that its ability to pass information back and forth would become severely restricted.\n\n\nAll internet users are advised to take the following precautions to prevent damage or loss of information:",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3118,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!\n\nIf you receive an e-mail with a subject of \"Badtimes,\" delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most viscous and dangerous Email virus yet.\n\nIt will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.\n\nIt will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream gets melted.\n\nIt will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.\n\nIt will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.\n\nIt will mix antifreeze into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit and hide your car keys when you are late for work.\n\nBadtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin.\n\nIt will give you nightmares about circus midgets.\n\nIt will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.\n\nIt will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.\n\nIt moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.\n\nIt will kick your dog.\n\nIt will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!\n\nIt is insidious and subtle.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3119,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3120,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,\nA poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,\nBut one day he was talking to a recruiter,\nWho said, \"they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer...\"\n\nUNIX, that is... CRTs... Workstations...\n\nWell, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.\nThe kinfolk said \"Jed, move away from here\".\nThey said \"Arizona is the place ya oughta be\",\nSo he bought a box of donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee...\n\nIntel, that is... dry heat... no amusement parks...\n\nOn his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.\nFed him mo' donuts and sat him at a tube.\nSaid \"yo project's outta budget, but we know just what to do.\nInstead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!\"\n\nOT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...\n\nThe weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.\nSchedules were slipping and the boss was getting mad.\nThey called another meeting and decided on a fix.\nThe answer was simple... \"We'll work him sixty-six!\"\n\nTired, that is... stressed out... no social life...\n\nMonths turned to years and his hair was turning grey.\nJed worked hard while his life just slipped away.\nWaiting to retire when he turned to 64,\nInstead he got a call and escorted out the door.\n\nLaid off, that is... lead hand shake... unemployed...\n\nNow the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,\nCompanies will use you and discard you when you're old.\nSo gather up your friends and start your own firm,\nBeat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.\n\nMillionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...\n\nY'all come back now... ya hear'",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3121,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3122,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3123,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3124,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3125,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3126,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3127,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3128,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "8:05am\nUser called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password\nretrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and\nhang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?\n\n8:12am\nAccounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database.\nGave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, \"Well, it works for me.\" Let\nthem rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged\ntheir server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...\n\n8:14 am\nUser from 8:05 call said they received error message \"Error accessing\nDrive 0.\" Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.\n\n11:00 am\nRelatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back\nin so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this\nweekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down\nin basement. What is she thinking? The \"Myst\" and \"Doom\" nationals are\nthis weekend!\n\n11:34 am\nAnother user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed\non HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database.\nTell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance\nreviews are sent to */US.\n\n12:00 pm\nLunch\n\n3:30 pm\nReturn from lunch.\n\n3:55 pm\nWake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no\nreason. Return to napping.\n\n4:23 pm\nYet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form.\nAsk them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they\nfind out.\n\n4:55 pm\nDecide to run \"Create Save/Replication Conflicts\" macro so next shift\nhas something to do.\n\nTuesday\n8:30 am\nFinish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible\ntime with Save/Replication conflicts.\n\n9:00 am\nSupport manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes\nSmartIcon. \"Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!\"\nI yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up.\nWalks away grumbling.\n\n9:35 pm\nTeam leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they\nneed form J-19R=9C9\\DARRK1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell\nthem it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a\ndatabase. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.\n\n10:00 am\nPerky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID.\nTell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital\nstatus. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for\nDisease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell\nher ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last\nweek's \"Reengineering for Customer Partnership,\" I offer to personally\ndeliver ID to her apartment.\n\n10:07 am\nJanitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.\nOffer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab\na smoke.\n\n1:00 pm\nReturn from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he\ntransferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.\n\n1:05 pm\nBig commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor\ntiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running\nin computer room, even if I do yell \"Omigod -- Fire!\"\n\n1:15 pm\nDevelopment Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in\nform names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it.\nHang up and run global search/replace using gaks.\n\n1:20 pm\nMary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for\n\"Notice Loads\" or \"NoLoad Goats,\" she's not sure, couldn't here over industrial-grade\nblender. Tell her it was probably \"Lettuce Nodes.\" Maybe the food distributor\nwith a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.\n\n2:00 pm\nLegal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check\nin her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably\nfell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents\nshe can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while\nshe does that.\n\n2:49 pm\nJanitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.\n\nWednesday\n8:30 am\nIrate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.\nTell them Of course, they should have been checking \"Bitset,\" not \"chipset.\"\nSheepish user apologizes and hangs up.\n\n9:10am\nSupport manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am\nmeeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about\nterrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting.\nSometimes life hands you material...\n\n10:00 am\nCall Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's\noffice. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career\nmoves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate\nto heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which\ntakes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references\nto furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page.\nMeeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.\n\n10:30 am\nTell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate\nPBX system sometime.\n\n11:00 am\nLunch.\n\n4:55 pm\nReturn from lunch.\n\n5:00 pm\nShift change; Going home.\n\nThursday\n8:00 am\nNew guy (\"Marvin\") started today. \"Nice plaids\" I offer. Show him server\nroom, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT.\nTell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.\n\n8:45 am\nNew guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him.\nSet minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.\n\n9:30 am\nIntroduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. \"Nice plaids\" Louie comments.\nIs this guy great or what?!\n\n11:00 am\nBeat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of\nsleeves (\"Always have backups\"). User calls, says Accounting server is\ndown. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug\nback into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!\n\n11:55 am\nBrief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01:\n\n\"Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy\nall proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to\nprovide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift.\"\n\nMarvin doubts. I point to \"Corporate Policy\" database (a fine piece\nof work, if I say so myself!). \"Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO\npeppers!\" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit\ndoor.\n\n1:00 pm\nOooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...\n\n4:30 pm\nWake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.\n\n5:00 pm\nShift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing\nthe On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.\n\nFriday\n8:00 am\nNight shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told\nthem it worked fine before I left.\n\n9:00 am\nMarvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself.\nUnforward phones from Mailroom.\n\n9:02 am\nYep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji\nboard determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.\n\n9:30 am\nGood God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and\ncan't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour\ndifference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.\n\n10:17 am\nPensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them\nto set server ahead three hours.\n\n11:00 am\nE-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time\non their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.\n\n11:20 am\nFinish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.\n\n11:23 am\nMilwaukee calls, asks what day it is.\n\n11:25 am\nSupport manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. \"So hard\nto get good help...\" I respond. Support manager says he has appointment\nwith orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on\nthe weekly department head meeting for him. \"No problem!\"\n\n11:30 am\nCall Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting\nthis afternoon. \"Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff\" I tell him.\n\n12:00 am\nLunch.\n\n1:00 pm\nStart full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make\nthem fast.\n\n1:03 pm\nFull weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!\n\n2:30 pm\nLook in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45pm\nappointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.\n\n2:39 pm\nNew user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document.\nTell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted.\nTell them to call microsupport.\n\n2:50 pm\nSupport manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment\ncancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate\nWeb page lately.\n\n3:00 pm\nAnother (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest\nthey place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document\naddendum which says so.\n\n4:00 pm\nFinish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set\npoint size to \"2\" in help databases.\n\n4:30 pm\nUser calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to\ngo to view, do a \"Edit -- Select All\", hit delete key, and then refresh.\nPromise to send them document addendum which says so.\n\n4:45 pm\nAnother user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them\nI'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.\n\n4:58 pm\nPlug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too)\nmuch.\n\n5:00 pm\nNight shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have\na good weekend.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3129,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3130,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3131,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3132,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "***** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *****\n\nThis is straight from DC:\n\nIf you receive an email entitled \"Badtimes\", delete it IMMEDIATELY.\n\nDo not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.\n\nIt reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.\n\nIT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.\n\nIt will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??\n\nIt will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and you Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.\n\nIt will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.\n\nIf the \"Badtimes\" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3133,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3134,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3135,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3136,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,\nAnd the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,\nAnd the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then\nthe socket packet pocket has an error to report!\n\nIf your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,\nAnd the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And\nyour data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your\nsituation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!\n\nIf the label on your cable on the gable at your house,\nSays the network is connected to the button on your mouse,\nBut your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,\nThat's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.\n\nAnd your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So\nyour icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as\nwell reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet,\nthe sucker's gonna hang!\n\nWhen the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,\nAnd the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,\nThen you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your\nROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3137,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3138,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my computer?\n\nANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3139,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I\ndecided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had\nsomething to do with the computer, so I started trying to find\nthe sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders\non the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software,\ninstall hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the\nmanuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion\nthat my computer is not equipped with one.",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3140,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3141,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3142,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3143,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3144,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3145,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3146,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Computers",
"id": 3147,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Mom",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3148,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3149,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3150,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3151,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well\nmeaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3152,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3153,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3154,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3155,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children\nplenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here's just a small\nsampling:",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3156,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3157,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3158,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3159,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A weary mother returned from the store,\nLugging groceries through the kitchen door.\nAwaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son,\nAnxious to relate what his younger brother had done.\n\n\"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call,\nT.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!\nIt's on the new paper you just hung in the den.\nI told him you'd be mad at having to do it again.\"\n\nShe let out a moan and furrowed her brow,\n\"Where is your little brother right now?\"\nShe emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride,\nShe marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.\n\nShe called his full name as she entered his room.\nHe trembled with fear--he knew that meant doom!\nFor the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved\nAbout the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved.\n\nLamenting all the work it would take to repair,\nShe condemned his actions and total lack of care.\nThe more she scolded, the madder she got,\nThen stomped from his room, totally distraught!\n\nShe headed for the den to confirm her fears.\nWhen she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears.\nThe message she read pierced her soul with a dart.\nIt said, \"I love Mommy,\" surrounded by a heart.\n\nWell, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it,\nWith an empty picture frame hung to surround it.\nA reminder to her, and indeed to all,\nTake time to read the handwriting on the wall.",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3160,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3161,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Twas the night before Christmas,\nwhen all thru the abode\nOnly one creature was stirring, \nand she was cleaning the commode.\n\nThe children were finally sleeping,\nall snug in their beds, \nwhile visions of N-64 & Barbie, \nflipped through their heads.\n\nThe dad was snoring in front of the TV,\nwith a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee.\nSo only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,\nwhich made her sigh, \"Now what is the matter?\"\n\nWith toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,\nShe descended the stairs, & saw the old man.\nHe was covered with ashes & soot, which fell with a\nshrug, \"Oh great,\" muttered the mom, \"Now I have to clean the rug.\"\n\n\"Ho Ho Ho!\" cried Santa, \"I'm glad you're awake.\"\n\"Your gift was especially difficult to make.\"\n\"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is time alone.\"\n\"Exactly!\" he chuckled, \"So, I've made you a clone.\"\n\n\"A clone?\" she muttered, \"What good is that?\"\n\"Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit chat.\"\nThen out walked the clone - The mother's twin,\nSame hair, same eyes, same double chin.\n\n\"She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess.\nYou'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young & The Restless.\"\n\"Fantastic!\" the mom cheered. \"My dream has come true!\"\n\"I'll shop, I'll read, I'll sleep a night through!\"\n\nFrom the room above, the youngest did fret.\n\"Mommy?! Come quickly, I'm scared & I'm wet.\"\nThe clone replied, \"I'm coming, sweetheart.\"\n\"Hey,\" the mom smiled, \"She sure knows her part.\"\n\nThe clone changed the small one & hummed her tune,\nas she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.\n\"You're the best mommy ever. I really love you.\"\nThe clone smiled & sighed, \"And I love you, too.\"\n\nThe mom frowned & said, \"Sorry, Santa, no deal.\"\nThat's my child's LOVE she is trying to steal.\"\nSmiling wisely Santa said, \"To me it is clear,\nOnly one loving mother is needed here.\"\n\nThe mom kissed her child & tucked her in bed.\n\"Thank You, Santa, for clearing my head.\nI sometimes forget, it won't be very long,\nwhen they'll be too old for my cradle & song.\"\n\nThe clock on the mantle began to chime.\nSanta whispered to the clone, \"It works every time.\"\nWith the clone by his side Santa said \"Goodnight.\nMerry Christmas, dear Mom, You will be all right.\"",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3162,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3163,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Family, Parents",
"id": 3164,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Now I lay me down to sleep,\nI pray my sanity to keep.\nFor if some peace I do not find,\nI'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.\nI pray I find a little quiet\nFar from the daily family riot.\nMay I lie back--not have to think\nabout what they're stuffing down the sink,\nor who they're with, or where they're at\nand what they're doing to the cat.\nI pray for time all to myself\n(did something just fall off a shelf?)\nTo cuddle in my nice, soft bed\n(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)\nSome silent moments for goodness sake\n(Did I just hear a window break?)\nAnd that I need not cook or clean--\n(well heck, I've got the right to dream)\nYes now I lay me down to sleep,\nI pray my wits about me keep,\nBut as I look around I know--\nI must have lost them long ago!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3165,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3166,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A small boy is sent to bed by his father.\n \nFive minutes later....\"Da-ad....\"\n\n\"What?\"\n\n\"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?\"\n \n\"No. You had your chance. Lights out.\"\n \nFive minutes later...\n\n\"Da-aaaad.....\"\n\n\"WHAT?\"\n\n\"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??\"\n\n\"I told you NO!\" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!\"\n \nFive minutes later...\n\n\"Daaaa-aaaad.....\"\n\n\"WHAT!\"\n\n\"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3167,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3168,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3169,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3170,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3171,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "\"Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,\nand you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.\" (Judy,\n8)\n\"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife.\" (Tom,\n5)\n\nWHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??\n\"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually\ngets them interested enough to go for a second date.\" (Mike, 10)\n\nWHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??\n\"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her\na big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding.\"\n(Jim, 10)\n\"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing\nif anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try\nit with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.\" (Kally, 9)\n\nTHE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??\n\"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody\nto clean up after them.\" (Lynette, 9)\n\"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid.\nI don't need that kind of trouble.\" (Kenny, 7)\n\nCONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE\n\"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do\nwith how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.\" (Jan,\n9)\n\"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but\nthe rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful.\" (Harlen, 8)\n\nON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE\n\"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.\" (Roger, 9)\"If\nfalling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to\ndo it. It takes too long.\" (Leo, 7)\n\nON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE\n\"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,\nit doesn't hurt to be beautiful.\" (Jeanne, 8)\n\"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything\nand I haven't got anybody to marry me yet.\" (Gary, 7)\n\"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.\" (Christine,\n9)\n\nCONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS\n\"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid\ngood money for them.\" (Dave, 8)\n\nCONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE\n\"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons'\nis on television.\" (Anita, 6)\n\"Love will find you, even if you are trying\nto hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but\nthe girls keep finding me.\" (Bobby, 8)\n\"I'm not rushing into being in love - I'm finding fourth grade hard\nenough.\" (Regina, 10)\n\nTHE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER\n\"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you\nhave tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.\" (Ava, 8)\n\nSOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU\n\"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.\" (Del, 6)\n\"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention,\nbut attention ain't the same thing as love.\" (Alonzo, 9)\n\"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she\nlikes to eat. French fries usually works for me.\" (Bart, 9)\n\nHOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN\nLOVE? \"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell\nif he's in love.\" (John, 9)\n\"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get\ncold. Other people care more about the food.\" (Brad, 8)\n\"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. they\nlike to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire.\" (Christine,\n9)",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3172,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3173,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3174,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3175,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3176,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3177,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3178,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3179,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand -- to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, \"This doesn't feel so bad.\"\n\n\nThe Lamaze instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.\n\n\n\"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?\" the husband asked.\n\n\n\"Exactly,\" replied the instructor.\n\n\nTo the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, \"Honey, pick up that pen for me.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3180,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3181,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3182,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3183,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3184,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3185,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers or my need dispositions.\n\nHe motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with affective significance.\n\nHe positions me in a non-decisional situation.\n\nHe maximizes my adjustment.\n\nAlthough I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant.\n\nHis analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.\n\nHe assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions.\n\nHe promotes my group identification.\n\nMy personality is totally integrated.\n\nSurely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function of time,\n\nAnd I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3186,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3187,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3188,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3189,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3190,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": ".......\"Doctor, I have an ear ache.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3191,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3192,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.\n\nThe first nurse said, \"I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.\"\n\nSt. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.\n\nThe second nurse says, \"I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patient is too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard.\"\n\nSt. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.\n\nThe third nurse says, \"I was a case manager for an HMO.\"\n\nSt. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, \"Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven\n\n... for five days!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3193,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3194,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3195,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3196,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3197,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3198,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3199,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3200,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass-enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced: \"In this room researchers\nare actively searching for a cure for cancer.\"\n\nShe stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look.\n\nThrough the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3201,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3202,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3203,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Medical Truths",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3204,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Announcement: the Mental-Illness-of-the-Month Club is being disbanded\nimmediately. The reasons being:",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3205,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3206,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3207,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3208,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3209,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Female Pharmacist\n\nA man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he\nwas talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister\nowned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there\nwas something which she could help the gentleman with.\n\nThe man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.\n\nThe female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and\nwhatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would\ntreat him with the highest level of professionalism.\n\nThe man agreed and began by saying, \"This is tough for me to discuss, but I have\na permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?\"\n\nThe pharmacist said, \"Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.\"\n\nWhen she returned, she said, \"We discussed it at length and the absolute best we\ncan do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3210,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3211,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3212,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3213,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, \"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!\"\n\nHe continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting \"Thirteen!\" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3214,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3215,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3216,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "\"This should be taken care of right away.\"\nI'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable\nthat I want to fix it before it cures itself.\n\n\"Welllllll, what have we here...?\"\nHe has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.\n\n\"Let me check your medical history.\"\nI want to see if you paid your last bill before spending anymore time\nwith you.\n\n\"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week.\"\nI'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time..or..I need\nthe bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.\n\n\"I have some good news and some bad news.\"\nThe good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're\ngoing to pay for it.\n\n\"Let's see how it develops.\"\nMaybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.\n\n\"Let me schedule you for some tests.\"\nI have 40% interest in the lab.\n\n\"I'd like to have my associate look at you.\"\u00a0\nHe's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.\u00a0\n\n\"I'd like to prescribe a new drug.\"\nI'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.\n\n\"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call.\"\n\u00a0I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.\n\n\"That's quite a nasty looking wound.\"\nI think I'm going to throw up.\n\n\"This may smart a little.\"\nLast week two patients bit off their tongues.\n\n\"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?\"\nI'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?\n\n\"This should fix you up.\"\nThe drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.\n\n\"Everything seems to be normal.\"\nRats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.\n\n\"I'd like to run some more tests.\"\nI can't figure out what's wrong maybe the kid in the lab can solve\nthis one.\n\n\"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?\"\nYou're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink\nwho'll split fees with me...\"\n\n\"There is a lot of that going around.\"\nMy God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something\nabout this.\n\n\"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.\"\nI've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next\nweek!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3217,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3218,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3219,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Many women are afraid of their first mammogram,\nbut there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes\neach day for a week preceding the exam and doing\nthe following practice exercises, you will be totally\nprepared for the test, and best of all, you can do\nthese simple practice exercises right in your home.\n\nExercise 1:\nOpen your refrigerator door and insert one breast\nbetween the door and the main box. Have one of\nyour strongest friends slam the door shut as hard\nas possible and lean on the door for good measure.\nHold that position for five seconds. Repeat again\nin case the first time wasn't effective enough.\n\nExercise 2:\nVisit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of\nthe cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your\nclothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one\nbreast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask\na friend to slowly back the car up until your breast\nis sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and\nrepeat for the other breast.\n\nExercise 3:\nFreeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the\nwaist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the\nbookends against one of your breasts. Smash the\nbookends together as hard as you can. Set an\nappointment with the stranger to meet next year\nand do it again. You are now properly prepared.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3220,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3221,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3222,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Everybody has a good excuse for not attending church. If you take those excuses and apply them to other things we do (or don't do), like eating, they might look like this list:",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3223,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3224,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3225,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.\nIt maketh me sit down and stuff myself.\nIt leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly\nSometimes during the night.\nIt leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.\nIt destroyeth my shape.\nYea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating,\nFor the food tasteth so good.\nThe ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.\nWhen the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.\nFor I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.\nAs I filleth my plate continuously.\nMy clothes runneth smaller.\nSurely bulges and pudgies shall follow me\nAll the days of my life\nAnd I shall be \"pleasingly plump\" forever.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3226,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3227,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3228,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting, well, now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!\n \nExcept for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!\n \nDAY ONE\n \nBreakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.\nLunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.\nDinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.\nBedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.\n \nDAY TWO\n \nBreakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.\nLunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.\nAfternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.\nDinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.\n \nDAY THREE\n \nBreakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.\nLunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.\nDinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.\n \nFINAL DAY",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3229,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3230,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "You're So Fat.....",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3231,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Dear Mom,\n\nOur scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the\nflood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2\nsleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned\nbecause we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it\nhappened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK.\nHe can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the\nsearch & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in\nthe dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.\n\nScoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without\ntelling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the\nfire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put\ngas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't\nburn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is\ngoing to look weird until his hair grows back.\n\nWe will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed.\nIt wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we\nleft. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect\nsomething to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance\non it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it\ndirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate.\nIt gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns\nriding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked\nto us.\n\nScoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.\nIn fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him\ndrive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we\never see up there are logging trucks.\n\nThis morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming\nout in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't\nswim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let\nus take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see\nsome of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb\nisn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about\nthe life jackets.\n\nHe has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not\nto cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first\naid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got\nto see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up.\nScoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the\nleftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they\nate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster.\nHe said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he\nwas doing his time.\n\nI have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy\nbullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.\n\nLove,Cole",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3232,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Lineup:\n\nConscience is left behind at the gate.\nJockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.\nHeavy Bosom is being pressured.\nPassionate Lady is caught by Thighs\nand Big Dick is in a dangerous spot!",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3233,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3234,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3235,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3236,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3237,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "It was a 5-2 loss that started the bleeding\nA loss to Mats and his country of Sweden\nNext up, it's easy - but just a 3-2 win\nBy a bunch of young fellas from united Berlin\nThey can't hit the net, they can't even pass it\nThere not chance in the world they're gonna beat Hasek\nIt's the bloody big ice, it's a number of things\nThey don't want it as much, they got their cup rings\nBut a 33 tie, with a late goal you would like\nScored by none other than Joe Nieuwendyk\nThe one that they thought was too slow and too old\nHas not given up the quest for hockey gold.\nThen things started changing, all for the best\nThey beat Selanne and Finland, lets take on the rest.\nThen Sweden was next, they'd better get loose\nBut the Swedes were beaten by who... Belarus!\nAnd then the ladies from out of the blue\nAgainst the favoured Americans, knew what to do\nThe Yanks threw our flag on the floor they were told\nSo they captured our hearts and captured the gold\nThen suddenly the Great one, our hero of youth\nTold the hockey world the absolute truth\nHe said they don't like us, they want us to lose\nWe need to get meaner and inflict the odd bruise\nSo a North American Final was set us and the States\nThis time they were ready, they laced up their skates\nThis game was about skill, speed, and the odd chance\nIt would not be decided by a dumb judge from France\nThe yanks scored first, we sucked in our chest\nBut our boys came out and they played their best\nSakic, Lindros, Iginla, Lemeiux\nAnd Gold is ours... Canada, 5 Yanks, 2\nDespite the bad press and media opinions\nWe danced in the street like crazed Palestinians\nFrom Victoria to St. John's we screamed and we shouted\nLike Don Cherry predicted, the Yanks... they were routed\nWhen we play hockey there is no English or French\nThere is no division among us; it's just the guys on the bench\nThey played the game for our Country, they played it true\nAnd on behalf of the Country I say thank you.\nFor this game is now ours, there is no longer a debate\nAbout the lack of finesse or the way that we skate\nThis nation of Canada has gotta' lot of class\nBut if you wanna' play hockey ... we'll kick your ass!",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3238,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3239,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3240,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3241,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.\n\nThe Judges' scores read:\nBritain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0\n\nNext comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple spin and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.\n\nThe Judges' scores read:Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0\n\nFinally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his willies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.\n\nThe Judges' scores read:Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0\n\nThe other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, \"How the heck can you give that mess 6.0?!\"\n\nTo which the Irish judge replies \"You've got to remember, it's darn slippery out there.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3242,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3243,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3244,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3245,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3246,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3247,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3248,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3249,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3250,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around, but nobody was buying tickets.\n\nZeke said to Zeb, \"Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea.\" After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came up Zeke noticed that his clothes were torn and wondered what happened.\n\nZeb went down again and this time when he sprang back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, \"WOW! What is going on here?!?\"\n\nZeb went down a third time and this time when he sprang back, Zeke noticed he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.\n\nZeke pulled Zeb in and said \"Zeb, what happened?\" Zeb, barely conscious, groaned, \"I don't know, but what's a pi\u00f1ata?\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3251,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3252,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3253,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "My first is in kendo but not in Olympics.\nMy second is in hurdles and in hunting.\nMy third is in bowman and in bowling.\nMy fourth is in cycling and in golf.\nMy fifth is in flying and not in swimming.\nMy last is in running and not in dancing.\nMy whole is a sport.\nWhat am I?\n\nSee Answer below...\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n\nThe answer to the Riddle is - Kung Fu",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3254,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3255,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3256,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3257,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3258,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3259,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3260,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3261,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3262,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3263,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3264,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).\n\nThe pilot of the 727 complained, \"Do you know It costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?\n\nWithout missing a beat the controller replied, \"Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3265,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. \"I'm too young to die!\" she wails. Then she yells, \"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??\"\n\nFor a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.\n\nThen, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. \"I can make you feel like a woman,\" he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.\n\nThe woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.\n\nHe removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: \"Here. Iron this.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3266,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "On a flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.\n\n\"What seems to be the problem Madam?\" asked the attendant.\n\n\"Can't you see?\" she said, \"You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next\nto this disgusting human. Find me another seat!\"\n\n\"Please calm down, Madam.\" the stewardess replied. \"The flight is very full today,\nbut I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class.\" The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her.\n\nA few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin: \"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class.\"\n\nBefore the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues...\n\n\"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person.\"\n\nHaving said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady, and said: \"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you...\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3267,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, \"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on \"Charlie\" taxiway; you turned right on \"Delta\". Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!\"\n\nContinuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, \"You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there\nand don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?\"\n\nThe humbled crew responded, \"Yes, Ma'am.\" The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.\n\nThen an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, \"Wasn't I married to you once?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3268,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3269,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3270,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3271,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3272,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, \"Ladies and gentlemen, this\nis your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful\nflight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!\"\n\nSilence.\n\nThen, the captain came back on the intercom and said, \"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my\npants!\"\n\nA passenger in Coach said, \"That's nothing. He should see the\nback of mine!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3273,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3274,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3275,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3276,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3277,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3278,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "\"A Guide For Giving The Ideal Gift\"",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3279,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3280,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3281,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Twas the night before Christmas\nwhen all through the house\nI searched for the tools\no hand to my spouse\nInstructions were studied\nand we were inspired,\nin hopes we could manage\n\"Some Assembly Required.\"\nThe children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,\nwhile Dad and I faced the evening with dread:\na kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!\nAnd, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!\nWe opened the boxes,\nmy heart skipped a beat- let no parts be missing\nor parts incomplete!\nToo late for last-minute returns or replacement;\nif we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!\nWhen what to my worrying eyes should appear\nbut 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,\nWith each part numbered and every slot named,\nso if we failed, only we could be blamed.\nMore rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,\nall over the carpet they were scattered about.\n\"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!\nSlide on the seats, and staple the stair!\nHammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.\"\n\"Honey,\" said hubby, \"you just glued my hand.\"\nAnd then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact\nthat all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact\nto keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night\nwith \"assembly required\" till morning's first light\nWe spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,\ntill our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.\nThe coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin\nbefore we attached the last rod and last pin.\nThen laying the tools away in the chest,\nwe fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.\nBut I said to my husband just before I passed out,\n\"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.\nTomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,\nand not have to run to the store for a thing!\nWe did it! We did it! The toys are all set\nfor the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!\"\nThen off to dreamland and sweet repose\nI gratefull went, though I suppose\nthere's something to say for those self-deluded-\nI'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3282,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3283,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3284,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3285,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3286,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3287,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3288,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3289,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3290,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3291,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3292,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3293,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3294,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3295,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3296,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3297,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Dear Santa,\n\nI understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.\n\nIn addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.\n\nFirst of all, I, along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything.\n\nI, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. \n\nMy decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.\n\nI too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered \"Decorator Ken\", \"Beauty Salon Ken\", or \"Out Of Work Actor Ken\"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: \"S&M Ken\" , \"Green Lantern Ken\", \"Circuit Ken\", \"Bear Ken\", \"Master Ken\".\n\nThese would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.\n\nAnd as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can \"push me away,\" I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. \n\nIn closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action being taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine... at least that's what he said last night.\n\nSincerely,\n\nKen",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3298,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3299,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Hi Erma,\n\nThis perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room.\n\nBy then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.\n\nBefore I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian\nclay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.\n\nWell, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.\n\nHope my breakfast guests don't stay too long, I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.\n\nLove,\nMartha Stewart\n\nP.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.\n\n\nErma",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3300,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3301,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\nAnswers:",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3302,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..\n..",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3303,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "To: All Employees\nFrom: Management\nSubject: Office conduct during the Christmas season\n\nEffective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).\n\nIn spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3304,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3305,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3306,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3307,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the\nfollowing carefully.......\n\nI regret to inform you that, effective immediately,\nI will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve.\nDue to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was\nrenegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve\nonly certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As\npart of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and\ncookies so keep that in mind.\n\nHowever, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your\nlocal replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His\nside of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering\ntoys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences\nbetween us.\n\nDifferences such as:",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3308,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3309,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3310,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "People often think of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas' as the days preceding the festival. Actually, Christmas is a season of the Christian \nYear that lasts for the twelve days beginning December 25 and lasting until January 6 - the Day of Epiphany, when the church celebrates the revelation of Christ as the Light of the world and recalls the journey of the magi.",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3311,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3312,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "'Twas the night before Cat-mas and all through MY house,\nNot a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...(I ate it).\nMy kitty stocking was hung by the cat door with care,\nIn hopes that Santa Claws soon would be there;\nThe humans were nestled all snug in their beds,\nWhile we cats in the darkness danced on their heads;\nBig Owner in his \"sleepy's\", and me his loyal cat,\nHad just settled down for a long winter's nap,\nWhen out in the 'hood there arose such a clatter,\nI sprang to four paws to see what was the matter.\nAway to the window I flew like a flash,\nEating curtains and shades (I threw up the sash).\nThe street lamp outside shined eerily below,\nMaybe two cats fighting? Paw to paw, blow-by-blow?\nNo, wait! What my sharp kitty eyes should detect,\nBut a miniature cat box, and that Devonshire Rex.\nA little old driver, all hairy with paws,\nI knew in an instant it must be Santa Claws.\nMore rapid than hairballs his coursers they came,\nAnd he howled, he meowed, he called them by name;\n\"Now, BOMBAY! now, BIRMAN! RAGDOLL and BURMESE!\nOn, PIXIE-BOB! on KORAT! on, PERSIAN and SIAMESE!\nTo the top of the fence! To the top of the tree!\nMy felines are awaiting, they are all purring!\"\nAs dry heaves that before the wild furballs fly,\nWhen he meets with an obstacle, they jump to the sky,\nSo over my shingles the kitties they flew,\nWith the carriage full of cat morsels, and Santa Claws too.\nWith a turn of my ear, I heard on the roofpole\nThe scratching and clawing of each kitty's sole.\nI drew in my head, and was spinning around,\nWhen through the cat door Santa Claws did abound.\nA long hair in fur, of course, from head to foot,\nAnd his hairs were all shiny, well coiffured, nicely put.\nA bundle of cat toys he had flung on his back,\nYou'd swear he was pedigree just him with his pack.\nHis eyes -- how they twinkled! His whiskers how bold!\nHis cheek hairs so soft, his nose...oh, how cold!\nHe shed not a hair, each strand in its place\nThe most famous of all of the proud feline race.\nThe stump of some cat nip he held tight in his teeth,\nIts aroma encircling his head like a wreath;\nAn imposing cat with the biggest belly in history,\nThat shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of Friskies.\nA grimalkin of breed, a right jolly old cat!\nDid I say grimalkin, how could I think that!\nA twitch of the whisker and a twist of his head,\nSoon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;\nHe mewed not a sound, but went straight to his work,\nFilled my stockings with kitty treats; then turned with a jerk,\nAnd laying a talon aside of his nose,\nAfter giving a nod, out the cat door he goes;\nHe sprang to his cat box, to his team gave \"MEOW!\"\nAnd away they all flew, like the wind they did howl.\nBut I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,\n\"MEOWY CAT-MAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!\"",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3313,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual\nYuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity\nwas not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including the\nspecies of domestic rodent known as Mus Musculus.\n\nHosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood\nburning caloric apparatus pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding\nan imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric\nappellations is the honorific title of Saint Nicholas.\n\nThe prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective\naccommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations\nof variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.\n\nMy conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings were\nabout to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the\nexterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance\nthat I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for\nthe purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.\n\nHastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this\nfenestration. Noting hereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected\nas it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be\nsaid to rival that of the solar meridian itself. Thus permitting my incredulous\noptical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance,\ndrawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer.\n\nPiloted by a minuscule aged chauffer so ebullient and nimble that it\nbecame instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.\n\nWith his ungulate motive power traveling at what may have been more\nvertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly,\nexpelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each\nof the octet by his or her respective cognomen: \"Now Dasher, now Dancer\",\net al..\n\nGuiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which\nstructure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the\n32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile\nlocation, and was performing a 180 degree pivot, our distinguished visitant\nachieved -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by the\nway of the smoke passage.\n\nHe was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from\noxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof.\nHis resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora\nof assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.\nHis orbs were scintillating with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary\ndermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability.\n\nThe capillaries of his molar regions and nasal protuberance were engorged\nwith blood which suffused in subcutaneous layers, the former approximating\nthe coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the later that of the Prunus\nAvium, or Sweet Cherry.\n\nHis amusing sub- and supra-labials resembled nothing so much as a common\nloop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small\ntabular and columnar crystals being.\n\nClenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray\nfumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of\na decorative seasonal circlet of holly.\n\nHis visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful,\nhis corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of pectinous fruit\nsyrup in a hemispherical container.\n\nHe was, in short, neither more or less than obese, jocund, multigenarian\ngnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite\nevery effort to refrain from so being.\n\nBy rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head\nto one side he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.\n\nWithout utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the afore-mentioned\nhosiery with various of the afore-mentioned articles of merchandise extracted\nfrom his afore-mentioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.\n\nUpon completion of his task, he executed an abrupt about face, placed\na singular manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ,\ninclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith\neffected his egress by renegotiating, in reverse, the smoke passage.\n\nHe propelled himself in short vector onto his conveyance, directed a\nmusical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered\nquadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto\nobservable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed.\n\nBut I overheard his parting exclamation, audibly immediately prior to\nhis vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility:\n\n\"Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self-same\nassemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly\npleasurable period between sunset and dawn!\"",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3314,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3315,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3316,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3317,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "24. December 1999 - 57 Elm Street, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania - 11:51P.M.\n\nScully, we're too late. It's already been here.\n\nMulder, I hope you know what you're doing.\n\nLook, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with bows of holly; stocking hung by the chimney with care.\n\nYou really think someone's been here?\n\nSomeone, or something.\n\nMulder, over here, It's fruitcake.\n\nDon't touch it! Those things can be lethal!\n\nThere's a note attached: \"gonna find out who's naughty and nice.\"\n\nIt's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.\n\nWho? What are you talking about?\n\nAncient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year just after the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.\n\nBut that's legend, Mulder, a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely you don't believe it?\n\nSomething was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive and in a hurry.\n\nIt left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder this milk glass has been completely drained.\n\nIt gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.\n\nBut why would they leave it milk and cookies?\n\nAppeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.\n\nBut if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.\n\nUnless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace. \n\nWait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide, nothing could get through there.\n\nBut what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?\n\nYou mean, like a bowl full of jelly?\n\nExactly. ...Scully, I've never told anyone this but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white shanks of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshaped head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away and, when I looked back, it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.\n\nImpossible.\n\nI know what I saw. And that night, it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. It knew that I wanted a Mr. Potato Head.\n\nI'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out they'll close the X-files.\n\nScully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake.\nBut we have no proof.\n\nLast year on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected a bogey in the airspace over twenty seven states. The White House ordered a condition red.\n\nBut that was a meteor shower.\n\nOfficially. Two days ago eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington D.C. Nobody, not even the zoo keeper was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle.\n\nThey fear that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake.. They'll\ndo what ever it takes to insure another silent night.\n\nMulder...\n\nSh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear? On the roof. It sounds like ... a clatter.\n\nThe truth is up there. Lets's see what's the matter....",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3318,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3319,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3320,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3321,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3322,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3323,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3324,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3325,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "If you are a man, chances are you have forgotten that Valentine's Day or that all-important anniversary is coming up soon. Now that you know, this seems a good time to pause for a large hysterical fit.\n\nThe angst you are feeling right now stems from a complete lack of understanding about what makes a woman feel romantic. I don't know either, but I did look it up on the Internet.\n\nNot counting about 5,000 Web sites that seem to correlate the word \"romance\" with \"hot mamas,\" here's what I found out.",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3326,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "After she woke up, a woman told her husband, \"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl\nnecklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?\"\n\n\"You'll know on Valentine's Day.\" he said.\n\nOn Valentine's Day, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.\nDelighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled....\n\n\"The Meaning Of Dreams.\"",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3327,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "The folks at American Greetings have compiled a list of lines to use when signing you valentine.... depending on your personality.",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3328,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3329,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3330,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "In sixteenth-century France, the start of the new year was observed on April first. It was celebrated in much the same way as it is today with parties and dancing into the late\nhours of the night.\n\nThen in 1562, Pope Gregory introduced a new calendar for the Christian world, and the\nnew year fell on January first. There were some people, however, who hadn't heard or\ndidn't believe the change in the date, so they continued to celebrate New Year's Day on\nApril first.\n\nOthers played tricks on them and called them \"April fools.\" They sent them on a \"fool's errand\" or tried to make them believe that something false was true.\n\nIn France today, April first is called \"Poisson d'Avril.\" French children fool their friends by taping a paper fish to their friends' backs. When the \"young fool\" discovers this trick, the prankster yells \"Poisson d'Avril!\" (April Fish!)",
"category": "Holidays",
"id": 3331,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "6 Presidents were on a sinking ship.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3332,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?\nA lone nut by the name of Lee\n\nOn November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?\n2 Mafia thugs\nand a lone nut by the name of Lee\n\nOn November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?\n3 federal agents\n2 Mafia thugs\nand a lone nut by the name of Lee\n\nOn November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?\n4 Cuban hitmen\n3 federal agents\n2 Mafia thugs\nand a lone nut by the name of Lee\n\nOn November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?\nThe Dallas P.D.\n4 Cuban hitmen\n3 federal agents\n2 Mafia thugs\nand a lone nut by the name of Lee\n\nOn November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?\n6 Russian snipers\nthe Dallas P.D.\n4 Cuban hitmen\n3 federal agents\n2 Mafia thugs\nand a lone nut by the name of Lee\n\nOn November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?\n7 Corporations\n6 Russian snipers\nthe Dallas P.D.\n4 Cuban hitmen\n3 federal agents\n2 Mafia thugs\nand a lone nut by the name of Lee\n\nOn November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?\n8 right wing loonies\n7 corporations\n6 Russian snipers\nthe Dallas P.D.\n4 Cuban hitmen\n3 federal agents\n2 Mafia thugs\nand a lone nut by the name of Lee\n\nOn November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?\n9 postal workers\n8 right wing loonies\n7 corporations\n6 Russian snipers\nthe Dallas P.D.\n4 Cuban hitmen\n3 federal agents\n2 Mafia thugs\nand a lone nut by the name of Lee\n\nOn November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?\n10 Nazi soldiers\n9 postal workers\n8 right wing loonies\n7 corporations\n6 Russian snipers\nthe Dallas P.D.\n4 Cuban hitmen\n3 federal agents\n2 Mafia thugs\nand a lone nut by the name of Lee\n\nOn November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?\n11 ninja masters\n10 Nazi soldiers\n9 postal workers\n8 right wing loonies\n7 corporations\n6 Russian snipers\nthe Dallas P.D.\n4 Cuban hitmen\n3 federal agents\n2 Mafia thugs\nand a lone nut by the name of Lee\n\nOn November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?\n12 space invaders\n11 ninja masters\n10 Nazi soldiers\n9 Postal workers\n8 right wing loonies\n7 corporations\n6 Russian snipers\nthe Dallas P.D.\n4 Cuban hitmen\n3 federal agents\n2 Mafia thugs\nand a lone nut by the name of Lee",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3333,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3334,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Good afternoon. I'm Al Gore, and I'd like to tell you about myself. I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world as a poor black child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee. I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own hands. I taught myself to read by candlelight and helped support my 16 brothers and sisters by working summers as a deck hand on a Mississippi River steamboat.\n\nMy mother taught me the value of education, so every day; I would walk 5 miles to a one-room schoolhouse. I was a mischievous, fun-loving scamp, though I never dreamed that one-day, my youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration for \"Huckleberry Finn\".\n\nBack then, black folks in the South were second-class citizens. One day, a traveling minister came through town, and I asked him if anyone was ever going to do something to guarantee civil rights for all Americans. Well, I guess I made an impression. You see, the minister's name was Martin Luther King, Jr.\n\nMy father was a United States Senator. He once perched me on his knee and said, \"Son, if you work hard and listen to your mama, someday you can live in a hotel in Washington, D.C., and go to an exclusive prep school.\"\n\nBut life of privilege was not for me. After getting my high school diploma, I took a job in a hot, dirty textile mill. I was so appalled at the treatment of the workers there that I organized a union. Later, that experience inspired a movie - which is why, to this day, my close friends at the AFL-CIO call me \"Norma Rae\".\n\nWhen word got out what an 18 year old factory worker had done, Harvard called and offered me a scholarship. I captained the hockey team to four consecutive national championships, but I also played football and was good enough to win the Heisman Trophy. During my college years, I lived in a housing project and moonlighted playing lead guitar for a little rock band. You may have heard of it -- the Rolling Stones.\n\nBut there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my country. So I enlisted in the U. S. Army and went to Vietnam. I was deeply opposed to the war, but I did my duty as a soldier and came back home with the Medal of Honor and the Croix de Guerre.\n\nWhen I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of ours. I've crossed the deserts bare, man, I've breathed the mountain air, man, I've traveled, I've done my share, man, I've been everywhere. And the people I met at truckstops and campgrounds and homeless shelters on that journey all said the same thing: \"Al, we need you in Washington.\"\n\nI knew they were right, but first I had to take care of some other business -- building the World Trade Center, founding the Audubon Society, doing the clinical research that proved smoking caused cancer, and coming up with the recipe for Mrs. Field's chocolate chip cookies.\n\nFinally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee and allowed them to elect me to the House of Representatives and the Senate, where I established the US Strategic Oil Reserve. And then one winter day nearly nine years ago, for no particular\nreason, I answered the call of the people once again and took the oath of office as Vice President of the United States.\n\nSince then, I've been part of the most successful administration in American history. And, in my spare time, I invented the Internet. Many times Bill Clinton has been pondering some grave decision and has asked me what to do. And when I would give him\nmy thoughts, he would invariable say, \"Of course. That's brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?\" During the darkest days of the impeachment battle, the president told me he only wished he had listened when I told him to stay away from that dark-haired intern.\n\nSo after I decided to run for president, I sat down with him and asked if he had any suggestions about how to conduct my campaign. And Bill Clinton gave me a few simple words of advice -- words I'll never forget. He looked me in the eye and he said, \"Al, just tell the truth, it's always worked for me.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3335,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3336,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly Gates.\n\nAfter knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. \"Who goes there?\" inquired St. Peter.\n\n\"'Tis I, your lordship, President Bill Clinton.\"\n\n\"And what do you want?\" asked St. Peter.\n\n\"Lemme in!\" replied Clinton.\n\n\"Soooo,\" pondered Peter. \"What bad things did you do on earth?\"\n\nClinton thought a bit and answered, \"Well, I smoked marijuana-but you\nshouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had\nextramarital sex-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't\nreally have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury.\"\n\nAfter several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, \"OK, here's the\ndeal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it\nHell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call\nit 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold\nyour breath waiting for it to freeze over.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3337,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "I did not do it in a car\nI did not do it in a bar\nI did not do it in the dark\nI did not do it in the park\nI did not do it on a date\nI did not ever fornicate\nI did not do it at a dance\nI did not do it in her pants\nI did not get beyond first base\nI did not do it in her face\nI never did it in a bed\nIf you think that, you've been misled\nI did not do it with a groan\nI did not do it on the phone\nI did not cause her dress to stain\nI never boinked Suddam Hussein\nI did not do it with a whip\nI never fondled Linda Tripp\nI never acted really silly\nWith volunteers like Kathleen Willey\nThere was one time, with Margaret Thatcher\nI chased her 'round, but could not catch her\nNo kinky stuff, not on your life\nI wouldn't even with my wife\nAnd Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes\nWas paid for by my right-wing foes\nAnd Paula Jones, and those state troopers\nAre just a bunch of party poopers\nI did not ask my friends to lie\nI did not hang them out to dry\nI did not do it last November\nBut if I did, I don't remember\nI did not do it in the hall\nI could have, but I don't recall\nI never did it in my study\nI never did it with my dog, Buddy\nI never did it to Sox, the cat\nI might have-once-with Arafat\nI never did it in a hurry\nI never groped Ms Betty Currie\nThere was no sex at Arlington\nThere was no sex on Air Force One\nI might have copped a little feel\nAnd then endeavored to conceal\nBut never did these things so lewd\nAt least, not ever in the nude\nThese things to which I have confessed\nThey do not count, if we stayed dressed\nIt never happened with cigar\nI never dated Mrs. Starr\nI did not know this little sin\nWould be retold on CNN\nI broke some rules my mama taught me\nI tried to hide, but now you've caught me\nBut I implore, I do beseech\nDo not condemn, do not impeach\nI might have got a little tail\nBut never, never did inhale",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3338,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart. The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain.\n\nThe man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue, the operation was planned.\n\nThe laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice bright LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off ... 95, 94, 93, ...\n\nSuddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient.\n\nWhen he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down ... 6, 5, 4, ...\n\nHe ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. \"Holy moley!\" exclaimed the doctor, \"What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!\"\n\nThe man looked at him and said, \"I, George W. Bush, announce my candidacy for President of the United States...\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3339,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "During the 2000 Campaign, George W. Bush promised a leaner and more cost-efficient military. \"I'm pleased to report,\" the President spoke, \"that we have downed the most\nsophisticated Chinese fighter without spending two million dollars on an air-to-air missile.\"\n\nPresident Bush's \"Don't Ask, Just Give 'em Hell\" policy is a sharp departure from former President Clinton's focus on moving the Pentagon to San Francisco and painting Navy\nbattleships a bright lavender.\n\nThe President was particularly pleased that it was a 50's era propeller driven plane that took out the Chinese aircraft. \"Heck, we bought and paid for that sucker fifty years ago. It didn't cost the American taxpayer a single dime to take out that commie.\"\n\nBush was also pleased his \"Ram The Bastard\" policy for Navy submarines was a rousing success. \"Just think of all of the torpedoes we can save money on!\" The President seemed only momentarily flustered when asked if the Navy should, perhaps, target enemies of the United States instead of friendly countries like Japan. \"Didn't Japan sink a bunch of our battleships in World War I or II? I'll ask Poppy.\"\n\nThe President wants to get the Army involved next by sending tanks into Canada. \"Moscow's in Canada, right?\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3340,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3341,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3342,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton.\nInstead of just an hour, as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days.\nFinally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The\nPresident was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said\nhe and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton\ndeclared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.\n\nA few minutes later, the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired,\ndiscouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with\nthe President was a failure.\n\nIncredulous, one reporter asked, \"But your Holiness, President Clinton just\nannounced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the\nitems discussed.\"\n\nExasperated, the Pope answered, \"Yes, but we were talking about the Ten\nCommandments.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3343,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "You remember the story about Lincoln and Kennedy and all the coincidences\nof their lives? Well, let's compare Clinton with the Titanic:",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3344,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3345,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3346,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3347,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3348,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3349,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3350,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3351,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of the United States v. William J. Clinton:",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3352,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Priceline.com's stock soared and eBay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress' overhaul of campaign financial law.\n\nSenator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators's choice to \"name your own price\" for Congressional influence. \"This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians' pockets.\"\n\nIn the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto Priceline.com and \"name their own price\" to influence a member of the House. Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator need to logon to Ebay.\n\nWilliam Jefferson Clinton has replaced William Shatner as spokesman for the new Congressional Priceline. In an \"off-camera\" remark, as Mr. Clinton held his crotch, he said, \"This is going to be *big*, really *big*.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3353,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "From: The White House\nTo: Albert Gore, Jr.\n\nDear Al:\n\nWe found some more votes. You won!\n\nWhen do you want to take over?\n\n\nSincerely,\n\nGeorge W. Bush",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3354,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3355,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Dear Tide,\nI'm writing to you to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since my college days, when my Mom told me it was the best.\n\nIn fact, about a month ago, while at my girlfriend's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to\nanother and I had a lot of her blood on my white shirt, as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide and all of the stains came out. So well, in fact, that the DNA tests where negative!\n\nI thank you, once again, for a great product. I now have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.\n\nYours truly,\nGary Condit",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3356,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3357,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3358,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "\"Florida Lottery\"\n\nGuess what?!?!? I won the lottery..I'm gonna be rich!! I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multimillionaire! Can you believe it?!? I'm bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The ticket was very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card.\n\nBut since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they're going to give me the money anyway!!!! They really shouldn't make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!! And even though I was confused, I didn't ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway and I didn't want to appear like I didn't know what I was doing. Isn't it nice of Florida to give the money anyway.\n\nI know, if the FL State Lottery won't give me the money, I'll just sue them!!!",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3359,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3360,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.\n\nGeorge W. approached the man and inquired, \"Aren't you Moses?\"\n\nThe man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.\n\nGeorge W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, \"Aren't you Moses?\"\n\nThe man continued to peruse the ceiling.\n\nGeorge W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, \"Aren't you Moses?\"\n\nThe man finally responded in an irritated voice, \"Yes, I am.\"\n\nGeorge W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, \"The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3361,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3362,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "What happens when a president gets elected in years ending with zero (which of course happens only every 20 years)?",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3363,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3364,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3365,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "In a bi-partisan move, President Bush nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his candidate for US Surgeon General.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3366,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3367,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "WE, the people of Florida, are holding this election hostage. When YOU promise to stop sending us YOUR old people, we will release YOUR election.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3368,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3369,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "To the citizens of the United States of America:\n\nFollowing your failure to elect anybody, either a half decent candidate or a B-movie actor as President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence.\n\nHer Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3370,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3371,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.\n\n\"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!\" she exclaimed.\n\n\"No,\" said the genie, \"You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.\"\n\n\"Let's see,\" says Monica, \"I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.\"\n\nPoof! And just like that..her ears fell off.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3372,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3373,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,\nBig Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,\nLots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,\nThese are a few of my favorite things.\n\nSusan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,\nHorny young interns who while 'way the hours,\nProfits from futures that Hillary brings,\nThese are a few of my favorite things.\n\nWhen that Jones bites,\nWhen Ken Starr stings,\nWhen I'm feeling sad,\nI simply remember my favorite things,\nAnd then I don't feel so bad.\n\nBeating the draft board and getting elected,\nNaming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,\nConspiracy theories that blame the right wing,\nThese are a few of my favorite things.\n\nGolfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,\nFalling down drunk that required knee surgery\nStars in the White House who come here to sing,\nThese are a few of my favorite things.\n\nWhen that Jones bites,\nWhen Ken Starr stings,\nWhen I'm feeling sad,\nI simply remember my favorite things,\nAnd then I don't feel so bad.\n\nMeeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,\nStates of the Union with lots of baloney,\nWinning debates and the joy of my flings,\nThese are a few of my favorite things.\n\nWhen that Jones bites,\nWhen Ken Starr stings,\nWhen I'm feeling sad,\nI simply remember my favorite things,\nAnd then I don't feel so bad.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3374,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "In new documents just revealed by the Justice Department, in addition to the controversial pardon of fugitive Marc Rich, former President Clinton also pardoned Adolph Hitler and Satan. With minutes to go before his term expired, Clinton signed an order to pardon himself.\n\nClinton's press liaison defended the pardons. \"President Clinton reasoned it's time to put this whole 'World War' thing behind us.\n\n\"While Hitler did indeed have a few bad years, he's been a model of civility for the last 56 years. We think he deserves a second chance.\"\n\nClinton seemed to identify with Hitler. \"There were forces constantly at work against him. I'm not condoning what he did, mind you, but I feel his pain. I know exactly what it's like to have the media of the world against you.\"\n\nClinton's pardon of Satan drew some right-wing Republican protests. Representative Dan Burton called upon Clinton to appear before Congress and explain the action. Burton\nbelieves there was a deal between the Prince of Darkness and Clinton to help build Clinton's Presidential Library in exchange for the pardon and Clinton's soul.\n\nDemocrats were quick to dismiss the charges. Senator Tom Daschle said, \"These charges are bogus because President Clinton sold his soul to Satan years ago.\"\n\nJust before he posed for pictures on Inauguration Day with the new president, Clinton signed a pardon forgiving himself \"for any goddamned thing anyone wants to pin on me, for\nall eternity -- even things they've not found out about yet!\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3375,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3376,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3377,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3378,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3379,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Dear Friends:",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3380,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill;\nDa poor president couldn't keep his willie still;\nDen one day he was workin' at his desk,\nWhen in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest...\n\nBoobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.\n\nWell da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees,\nMouth open wide and as happy as you please;\nBill sez, \"oh yeah now-don't say a thing,\"\n\"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling.\"\n\nBlow job, that is. Phalli osculation.\n\nWell, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,\nHe said, \"Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess,\nAnd you're invited here to dis fine locality,\nTo have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C.\"\n\nDa wiener, that is. Da presidential staff.\n\nSo week after week, Monica is on her knees\nKeepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please,\nBut then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,\nAnd she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.\n\nBad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta's.\n\nWell it weren't too long till we all knew the score,\n'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door;\nDa country's in da toilet and da people cry, \"No More\"\nBut if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore.\n\nBoob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear.\n\nSo now ya know da story 'bout Bill our president,\nWonderin' if dis fling's gonna cost him every cent;\nSo da moral of da story is to do it quietly,\nAnd stay outta trouble with dat bitch named Hillary.",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3381,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3382,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.\n\nThe teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, \"tragedy.\" So the President asks the class for an example of a \"tragedy.\"\n\nOne little boy stands up and offers, \"If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.\"\n\n\"No\" says Bush, \"that would be an accident.\"\n\nA little girl raises her hand: \"If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.\"\n\n\"I'm afraid not\" explains the President. \"That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS.\"\n\nThe room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. \"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?\"\n\nFinally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, \"If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.\n\n\"Correct\" exclaims Bush, \"that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?\"\n\n\"Well,\" Lil' Johnny said, \"because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss.\"",
"category": "Political",
"id": 3383,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3384,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3385,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3386,
"rating": 4.25
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3387,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3388,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3389,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3390,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3391,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3392,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3393,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3394,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3395,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Following questions and answers were collated from recent British GCSE exams (16 year olds)!",
"category": "School",
"id": 3396,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3397,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3398,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3399,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3400,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3401,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher\nis receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have\npasted together the following \"history\" of the world from certifiably genuine\nstudent bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from\neighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn\na lot.",
"category": "School",
"id": 3402,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Here is an explanation of the school homework policy:",
"category": "School",
"id": 3403,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "When I first started college, the Dean came in and said \"Good Morning\"\nto all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded \"Ah, you're Freshmen.\"\nHe explained, \"When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good\nmorning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and\nopen their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can seethe\ninstructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put\ntheir feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors.\"\nWhen you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's\ngraduate students.\"",
"category": "School",
"id": 3404,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3405,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3406,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she\nheard:\n\n \"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two.\"\n \"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four.\"\n \"Three and three... \"",
"category": "School",
"id": 3407,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3408,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3409,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3410,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3411,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3412,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:",
"category": "School",
"id": 3413,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, \"Johnny what is your problem?\"\n\nJohnny answered, \"I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!\" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.\n\nWhile Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The\nteacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.\n\nPrincipal: \"What is 3 x 3?\" Johnny: \"9\".\n\nPrincipal: \"What is 6 x 6?\" Johnny: \"36\".\n\nAnd so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, \"I think Johnny can go to the third grade.\"\n\nThe teacher says to the principal, \"Let me ask him some questions?\" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, \"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?\" Johnny, after a moment, \"Legs.\"\n\nTeacher: \"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?\" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, \"Pockets.\"\n\nTeacher: \"What does a dog do that a man steps into?\" Johnny: \"Pants\"\n\nTeacher: \"What starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of\nexcitement?\" Johnny: \"Fire truck.\"\n\nThe principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, \"Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.\"",
"category": "School",
"id": 3414,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3415,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3416,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3417,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3418,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3419,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.\n\nOn the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.\n\nWalking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.\n\nWhen a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.\n\nHe had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.",
"category": "School",
"id": 3420,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3421,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3422,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3423,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3424,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3425,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "School",
"id": 3426,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it.\n\nCould it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the beach...",
"category": "Military",
"id": 3427,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Military",
"id": 3428,
"rating": 2.75
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Military",
"id": 3429,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "Three generals, one from the Army, one from the Air Force, and the third from the Marine Corps, were having a debate about whose soldiers were the bravest.\n\nTo prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: \"Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!\"\n\n\"YES SIR!\" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.\n\nThe general dismisses him. \"Now that's bravery!\" exclaims the general.\n\n\"Bravery, nothing,\" snorts the Army general. \"Get over here, private!\"\n\n\"YES SIR!!\" replies the private.\n\n\"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first.\"\n\n\"YES SIR!!\" replies the private, and completes the task.\n\n\"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!\"\n\nThey look to the Marine. \"Private,\" the Marine Corps General commands.\n\n\"YES SIR!!\"\n\n\"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.\" \n\nThe private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, \"TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!\"\n\nThe general turns to the others and says, \"Now THAT'S bravery!\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 3430,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Military",
"id": 3431,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.\n\nThey promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose.\n\nThe first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.\n\nThe second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000.\n\nMeantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check.\n\nWhen the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, \"from the tip of my penis, to the bottom of my testicles.\"\n\nThe pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.\n\nThe Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants...he did.... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.\n\n\"My God!\" he said, \"where are your testicles?!\"\n\nThe general replied, \"Back in Nam!\"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 3432,
"rating": 4.67
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Military",
"id": 3433,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Military",
"id": 3434,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Military",
"id": 3435,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Military",
"id": 3436,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Military",
"id": 3437,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Military",
"id": 3438,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "These are actual lines out of OER (Officer Efficiency Report) performance appraisal for the military.",
"category": "Military",
"id": 3439,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Military",
"id": 3440,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.\n\n\"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars.\n\n\"As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?\"\n\n\"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?\"\n\n\"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves... \"",
"category": "Military",
"id": 3441,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Military",
"id": 3442,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3443,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3444,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3445,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speaker phone (at full volume, naturally)? It can really begin to bother you after a while.\n\nI found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like \"Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid\nfor the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?\" It is the last time you hear that particular speaker phone, I can assure you.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3446,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3447,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3448,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as \nCasual Day so that employees may express their diversity. \n\n\nSpandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. \n\n\nCasual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. \n\n\nA seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. \nAttendance is mandatory. \n\n\nAs an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On\nCommittee's has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task\nForce to prepare guidelines for proper dress. \n\n\nThe Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. \nA copy of \"Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company \nStandards\" has been mailed to each employee. Please review \nthe chapter \"You Are What You Wear\" and consult the \"home \ncasual\" versus \"business casual\" checklist before leaving for \nwork each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness \nof an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before \n7 a.m. on Friday. \n\n\nBecause of lack of participation, Casual Day has been\ndiscontinued, effective immediately.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3449,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director\nTO: Everyone RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1\n\nI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols -- feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!\n\n\nDATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party\n\nIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our \"Holiday Party.\" The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy\nnow?\n\n\nDATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party\n\nRegarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, \"AA Only\"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?\n\n\nDATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party\n\nWhat a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?\n\n\nDATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party\n\nSo December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our \"earth-based\nGoddess-worshipping\" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???\n\n\nDate: December 9 RE: Holiday Party\n\nPeople, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of \"Santa\" does happen to be \"Satan,\" there is no evil connotation to our own \"little man in a red suit.\" It's a tradition, folks, like sugar \nshock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?\n\n\nDATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party\n\nVegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the \"grill of death,\" as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!\n\n\nDATE: December 14 RE: Pat Smith and Holiday Party\n\nI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3450,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3451,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3452,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3453,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3454,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3455,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3456,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3457,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the\nwindow, stating the following: \"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, \nmust be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal \nOpportunity Employer.\"\n\nA short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign\nand went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,\nthen walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the \nidea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager \nlooked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, \nthe dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, \nthe dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager\nsaid, \"I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.\"\n\nThe dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type \nout a perfect letter. He took out the page, trotted over to the \nmanager, gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager \nwas stunned, but then told the dog, \"The sign says you have to be \ngood with a computer.\"\n\nThe dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to\nenter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first\ntime it ran.\n\nBy now, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog \nand said, \"I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have \nsome interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the \njob.\" The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put \nhis paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity \nEmployer. The manager said, \"Yes, but the sign *also* says that you \nhave to be bilingual\".\n\nThe dog looked at the manager calmly and said \"Meow.\"",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3458,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3459,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3460,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3461,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3462,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3463,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3464,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3465,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3466,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3467,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3468,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "HOW TO TELL YOU NEED A NEW SECRETARY",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3469,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3470,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3471,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3472,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.\n\nSince it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.\n\nAdministratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.\n\nResearch at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.\n\nScientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3473,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A feisty 70 year old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor. \n\n\"Labor charges!\" she exclaimed. \"It only took you five minutes.\" The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call. \"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor,\" the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3474,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3475,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3476,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of \"Miscellaneous Unproductive Time\" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3477,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3478,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.\n\nHowever, in modern business and government, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3479,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3480,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Are you overworked, under paid, over-regulated, under-leisured, and underbenefited? Take heart! Not only could it be worse, it has been. This notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3481,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3482,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3483,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3484,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3485,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "FROM: OPERATIONS\nSUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy\n\nIn the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.\n\nUnder the policy a \"Restroom Trip Bank\" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.\n\nWithin four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.\n\nIf the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.\n\nThe picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3486,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3487,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3488,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3489,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3490,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3491,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3492,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3493,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3494,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3495,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "To: All Employees\n\nSubject: Special High Intensity Training\n\nIn order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any\nother company in the country.\n\nIf you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed on top of his S.H.I.T. list for special attention.\n\nAll of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.\n\nIf you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List, Special High Intensity Training\n(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).\n\nIf you have any further questions, please address them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).\n\nThank you,\n\n\nBoss in General\nSpecial High Intensity Training\n(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)\n\nPS. With the personality some of you display around here, you\ncould easily become the Director of Intensity Programming, Special\nHigh Intensity Training.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3496,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3497,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "23% on Tuesday,\n 40% on Wednesday,\n 20% on Thursday,\n 5% on Fridays.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3498,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3499,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3500,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3501,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3502,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3503,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3504,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3505,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3506,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3507,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3508,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations\nwere asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective\nemployees.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3509,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3510,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3511,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3512,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Resumes can have midleading information. This guide should help clear any confusion...",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3513,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3514,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3515,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3516,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "In our complex technical environment there are many opportunities for a competent technical individual to be the subject of technical harassment. Sometimes it can be so subtle that you may not even be aware you are being harassed. Worse yet, you may inadvertently technically harass another person by accident.\n\nFollowing are some guidelines to help you determine if you are being technically harassed.\n\nIf you are repeatedly asked the same technical question you may be the victim of technical harassment. While it is most common to be asked the question repeatedly within the same conversation, some instances have been identified of habitual technical harassment. Habitual technical harassment is not uncommon and has been known to exhibit group tendencies where members of a group may ask the same question repeatedly. Untreated, these instances of group technical harassment can continue for years.\n\nIf you are asked a technical question by a non-technical person and they do not write your answer down it is likely the question is frivolous. Most non-technical people are not capable of remembering a true technical answer for more than 30 seconds.\n\nIf you are forced into a discussion where a person uses more than three (3) buzzwords in one sentence the person is most likely a fake and you are the unwitting victim of technical harassment. One note of caution, competent technical people have been known to\ninadvertently use buzzwords after reading mindless drivel like PC Week or LAN Times. If the person has been known to use more common technical terms in the past such as \"stuff\" and \"things\", they are most likely victim of computer magazine brainwashing.\n\nIf during a troubleshooting session a person uses the term \"trick\". For example \"maybe we could trick the database into thinking it has been updated\". This is a sure sign of technical harassment.\n\nIf a person explains that a needed feature will be provided by a vendor and that person is nontechnical then you are at risk of being technically harassed. If you believe that person, you have definitely been technically harassed, if you don't believe them you\nhave only been technically annoyed.\n\nIf when trying to resolve a technical problem with a product from a vendor and you are instructed to call the salesman that sold us the product you are being set up for technical harassment. It is a common reaction for a non-technical person when they have\npurchased technical equipment to call another non-technical person. The dialogue between two nontechnical people usually provides some sense of comfort that they aren't the only ones who are confused.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3517,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, \"What is two and two?\"\n\nThe first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was \"Twenty-two.\"\n\nThe second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.\n\nThe next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.\n\nThe last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, \"How much is two and two?\"\n\nThe accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice....\"How much do you want it to be?\"\n\nHe got the job.",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3518,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3519,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3520,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3521,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Business",
"id": 3522,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Great to use in chat rooms or on cell phones!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3523,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3524,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3525,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3526,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3527,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3528,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3529,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3530,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3531,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3532,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3533,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3534,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3535,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3536,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Great for those Email Signatures",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3537,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3538,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3539,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3540,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3541,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3542,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3543,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3544,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3545,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3546,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3547,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3548,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery\npresidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits\ndown and says, \"Hey Se\u00f1or, I would like the world's best beer,\na Corona.\" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and\ngives it to him.\n\nThe guy from Budweiser says, \"I'd like the best beer in the world,\ngive me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.\" The bartender gives\nhim one.\n\nThe guy from Coors says, \"I'd like the only beer made with Rocky\nMountain spring water, give me a Coors.\" He gets it.\n\nThe guy from Guinness sits down and says, \"Give me a Coke.\"\n\nThe bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.\nThe other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, \"Why aren't\nyou drinking a Guinness?\"\n\nThe Guinness president replies, \"Well, I figured if you guys aren't\ndrinking beer, neither would I.\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3549,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3550,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They\nare having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.\nThen the Irishman says, \"Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I\ncome from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's,\nyou buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself\nwill buy your third drink!\"\n\nThe others agree that sounds like a nice place.\n\nThen the Italian says, \"Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come\nfrom, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place,\nVinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink.\nYou buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.\"\n\nEveryone agrees that sounds like a great bar.\n\nThen the Polish guy says, \"You think that's great? Where I come\nfrom, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy\nyou your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you\nyour third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!\"\n\"Wow!\" said the other two.\n\n\"That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?\"\n\n\"No,\" he replied, \"but it happened to my sister!\"",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3551,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3552,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3553,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "My uncle had a beer gut that weighed two hundred pounds\nHe used a wheelbarrow to haul it into town\nThey treat him like a king when he walks into Woody's bar\nHis beer gut pays for lights and heat and Woody's brand new car.\n\nNudsie got a beer gut that gets bigger every year\nSince Nudsie gave up lifting weights and started hoisting beer\nHe was lying on the beach one day, the bbq kept getting hotter\nSome save the whale freaks came and dragged him back into the water.\n\nBeer guts of America stand up if you can\nStick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand\nYour beer gut is your buddy, it's a friend who's always near\nAnd all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer\n\nMungo drank a pony keg at Droopy Aho's wedding\nHis eyes went rolling round and round and then he started sweating\nHe tripped on Duck and Fuzz 'cause they were passed out on the floor\nHe landed on his beer gut and he bounced right out the door\n\nI took my date into the sauna and on the bench we sat\nShe pointed and she said \"I've never seen one big as that.\"\nShe held it and she stroked it and she told me with a smile,\n\"Body builders make me sick, but beer guts drive me wild.\"\n\nBeer guts of America stand up if you can\nStick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand\nYour beer gut is your buddy, it's a friend who's always near\nAnd all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer.",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3554,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3555,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3556,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3557,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3558,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3559,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3560,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3561,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "I watched an ant\nclimb a blade of grass this morning.\nWhen he reached the top,\nhis weight bent the blade\ndown to the ground.\nThen, twisting his thorax\nwith insectile precision,\nhe grabbed hold of the next blade.\nIn this manner,\nHe traveled across the lawn,\ncovering as much distance vertically\nas he did horizontally,\nwhich amused and delighted me.\nAnd then, all at once,\nI had what is sometimes\ncalled an \"epiphany\",\na moment of heightened awareness\nin which everything becomes clear.\nYes, hunched over that ant\non my hands and knees,\nI suddenly knew\nwhat I had to do...\n\nQuit drinking before noon.",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3562,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3563,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3564,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3565,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3566,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3567,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3568,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3569,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3570,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Bar Jokes",
"id": 3571,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3572,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "The following exchanges are taken from transcripts of 911 calls.",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3573,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper's position...\n\nObviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license.\n\nAfter looking it over, he said to her, \"It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.\"\n\n\"Well, I have contacts,\" the woman replied.\n\n\"Look lady, I don't care who you know,\" snapped the officer. \"You're getting a ticket.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3574,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A man has too much to drink at a party. His friends offer to drive him home, but the says no--he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a call for a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell him to stay put; they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.\n\nAfter a few minutes, the man decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.\n\nA few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if a Mr. X lives there, and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door--where they find the police car, lights still flashing.",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3575,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3576,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.\n\nBut when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.\n\nFinally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.\n\n\"No,\" the inmate said, \"just get it over with.\"\n\n\"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?\" said the guard. \"You didn't even want a special last meal!\"\n\nThe inmate thought. \"Actually,\" he said, \"Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.\"\n\nThe guard nodded and told him to go ahead.\n\nThe inmate started, \"One billion bottles of beer on the wall...\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3577,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right\nby the border fence, he pulls him out and says, \"Sorry, you know the\nlaw, you've got to go back across the border right now.\"\n\nThe Mexican man pleads with them, \"No, noooo Se\u00f1or, I must stay in de\nUSA! Pleeeze!\"\n\nThe Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself--I'm going to make it hard\nfor him--and says, \"Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three English\nwords in a sentence.\"\n\nThe Mexican man of course agrees.\n\nThe Border Patrol Agent tells him, \"The three words are: Green, Pink\nand Yellow. Now use them in one sentence.\"\n\nThe Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says,\n\"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green--I Pink it up, and\nsez Yellow?\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3578,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.\n\nLater, I was stopped by another trooper. \"What have I done?\" I asked.\n\n\"Nothing,\" the trooper said, smiling. \"I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3579,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3580,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, \"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.\"\n\nThe man says, \"Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack.\"\n\n\"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.\"\n\n\"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.\"\n\n\"Well, then we need a urine sample.\"\n\n\"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar.\"\n\n\"Alright, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.\"\n\n\"I can't do that, officer.\"\n\n\"Why not?\"\n\n\"Because I'm drunk.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3581,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3582,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3583,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:\n\nOfficer: \"May I see your driver's license?\"\n\nDriver: \"I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.\"\n\nOfficer: \"May I see the registration for this vehicle?\"\n\nDriver: \"It's not my car. I stole it.\"\n\nOfficer: \"The car is stolen?\"\n\nDriver: \"That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.\"\n\nOfficer: \"There's a gun in the glove box?\"\n\nDriver: \"Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.\"\n\nOfficer: \"There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?\"\n\nDriver: \"Yes, sir.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3584,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are \"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,\" committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titled \"How Not to Rob a Bank,\" by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3585,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3586,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3587,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3588,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3589,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3590,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Kentucky:Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.\n\n\nSouth Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.\n\nIndiana:A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.\n\nEngland:A German \"tourist,\" supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a \"handicap\" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.\n\nArizona:A company called \"Guns For Hire\" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.\n\nTexas:A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.\n\n(Location Unknown):A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.\n\n(Location Unknown):A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)\n\n(Location Unknown):A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself\nup pretty badly in the process. He then realized that:\nTwo men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors,\netc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.\n\n(Location Unknown):A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3591,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A dyslexic cop is severely reprimanded by his captain because the spelling on his police reports is incomprehensible. \"How can you expect anyone to read this! If you file just one more report with any and I mean *ANY* words misspelled, you are going on report!\" screams the captain.",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3592,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3593,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3594,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, \"What's in the bags?\"\n\nThe fellow says, \"SAND!\"\n\nThe guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects... only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border. Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...\n\n\"What have you got there?\"\n\n\"Sand.\"\n\n\"Let me see it.\"\n\nSame results... Nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again. Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue.\n\nFinally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, \"Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything... What were you smuggling?\"\n\nThe fellow replies, \"Bicycles.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3595,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.\n\n\"You were speeding,\" the cop said. \"I'm going to have to give you a ticket.\"\n\n\"Yep,\" the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.\n\n\"These flies sure are terrible,\" the trooper complained.\n\n\"Yep,\" the farmer said. \"Them are circle flies.\"\n\n\"What's a circle fly?\"\n\n\"Them flies that circle a horse's tail,\" answered the farmer. \"Them are circle flies.\"\n\n\"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's rear, would you?\" the trooper angrily asked.\n\n\"Nope, I didn't,\" the farmer replied. \"But you just can't fool them flies.\"",
"category": "Police Jokes",
"id": 3596,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3597,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3598,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "\"Excuse me, sir.\"\n\"Is that you again, Moses?\"\n\"I'm afraid it is, sir.\"\n\"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?\"\n\"How did you guess?\"\n\"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?\"\n\"Oh, yeah. I forgot.\"\n\"Tell me what you want, Moses.\"\n\"But you already know. Remember?\"\n\"Moses!\"\n\"Sorry, sir.\"\n\"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!\"\n\"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten things you sent me?\"\n\"You mean the Commandments, Moses?\"\n\"That's it. I was wondering if they were important.\"\n\"What do you mean 'were important, Moses? Of course, they are\nimportant. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you.\"\n\"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of\ncourse you would see right through that.\"\n\"What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me you\ndidn't save them, Moses?\"\n\"No, sir. I forgot.\"\n\"You should always save, Moses.\"\n\"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot.\nI did send them to some people before I lost them though.\"\n\"And did you hear back from any of them?\"\n\"You already know I did.\"\n\"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he\nchange the words a little bit?\"\n\"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning.\"\n\"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh\nand recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions, or letting people\npick one or two to try for a while?\"\n\"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that.\"\n\"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was\nscamming him?\"\n\"I think that is spamming, Moses.\"\n\"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff,\nand I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer.\"\n\"And what he did say?\"\n\"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think\nhe might have sent me one of those plagues, and that's the reason I\nlost those ten things, do you?\"\n\"They're called viruses, Moses.\"\n\"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just\ngo back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them\nout and reading them each day, but I never lost them.\"\n\"We'll do it the new way, Moses.\"\n\"I was afraid you would say that, sir.\"\n\"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?\"\n\"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer.\"\n\"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?\"\n\"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows\nmore about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the\nway, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?\"\n\"No, Moses.\"\n\"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice,\nbecause didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?\"\n\"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog\nif you want to.\"\n\"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman\ntold him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named\none of the computers Apple?\"\n\"Say good night, Moses.\"\n\"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be\nworking. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back.\"\n\"Which ones are they, Moses?\"\n\"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and 'Thou shalt\nnot uncover thy neighbor's wife.'\n\"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone\ntablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3599,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.\n\nThe pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.\n\nFinally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.\n\nThen he looked back at the lock, quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.\n\nThe teacher was amazed.\n\n\"I'm in awe at your faith, pastor,\" she said.\n\n\"It's really nothing,\" he answered. \"The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3600,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3601,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3602,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.\n\nOne said \"You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.\"\n\nAnother said \"Yeah, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away.\"\n\nThe third said, \"I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3603,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3604,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3605,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3606,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3607,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the\nAbbott said, \"Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are\nwelcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until\nI direct you to do so.\"\nBrother John lived in the monastery for a full year before\nthe Abbott said to him:\n\"Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words.\"\nBrother John said, \"Hard Bed.\"\n\"I'm sorry to hear that,\" the Abbott said. \"We will get you a better\nbed.\"\nThe next year, Brother John was called by the Abbott. \"You\nmay say another two words Brother John.\"\n\"Cold Food.\" said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him\nthat the food would be better in the future.\nOn his third anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again\ncalled Brother John into his office. \"Two words you may say today.\"\n\"I quit.\" said Brother John.\n\"It is probably best.\" said the Abbott. \"All you have done\nsince you got here is complain.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3608,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Count the number of A's, B's, C's, and D's you checked and find your proficiency rating below:",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3609,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3610,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3611,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, \"Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?\"\n\n\nFather Patrick replied, \"No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal.\" \n\n\nMuldoon said \"I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?\"\n\n\nFather Patrick asked, \"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3612,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, \"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks.\" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, \"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!\"\n\nThe next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.\n\nThe third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.\n\nThe woman remarks, \"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?\" And the guy says, \"Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3613,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.\n\nThe girl replied, \"I'm drawing God.\"\n\nThe teacher paused and said, \"but no one knows what God looks like.\"\n\nWithout missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, \"They will in a minute.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3614,
"rating": 3.5
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3615,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3616,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3617,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3618,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, \"I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. Let me go find out,\" and he leaves.\n\nThe couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. \"What if it doesn't work out?\", they wonder, \"Are we stuck together forever?\"\n\nSt. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. \"Yes,\" he informs the couple, \"You can get married in Heaven.\"\n\n\"Great,\" says the couple, \"but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?\"\n\nSt. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. \"What's wrong?\" exclaims the frightened couple. \"Jeez!\" St. Peter exclaims, \"It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3619,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3620,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "AND The Mormons, having arrived fifteen minutes late, missed the fire\ncompletely!!!!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3621,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3622,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.\n\n\"Mommy,\" she said, \"can we leave now?\"\n\n\"No,\" her mother replied.\n\n\"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!\"\n\n\"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush.\"\n\nAfter about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.\n\n\"Were you sick?\" her mom asked.\n\n\"Yes.\"\n\n\"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?\"\n\n\"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3623,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3624,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3625,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "In the Beginning God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. \n\n\nAppearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, \"Let there be light\", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? \n\n\nWhat about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light \"Day\" and the darkness \"Night\". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. \n\n\nGod said, \"Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed\". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, \"Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth\". \n\n\nOfficials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. \n\n\nEverything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before... \n\n\nAt this point God created Hell.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3626,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, \"I want everyone who has been he-ing and she-ing to stand up!\"\n\nHalf of his congregation stood up.\n\nHe then shouted out, \"I want everyone who has been he-ing and he-ing to stand up!\"\n\nA couple of men stood up.\n\nHe then shouted out, \"I want everyone who has been she-ing and she-ing to stand up!\"\n\nSeveral women stood up.\n\nThe minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnnie. The minister shouted out, \"Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin?\n\n\"Little Johnny, stand up. I guess you are the only one here who isn't preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!\"\n\nLittle Johnny replied, \"Reverend, you ain't said nothing about me-ing and me-ing!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3627,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, \"Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job\".\n\nSo down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.\n\nBut ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.\n\nJesus just sighed.\n\nThe electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted his computer. Satan started searching frantically, screaming \"It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!\"\n\nMeanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. \"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?\"\n\nGod shrugged and said, \"Jesus saves\".",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3628,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home \"Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers,\" the son said. \"It was wonderful and enlightening; however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity.\"\n\n\"Oi vey,\" replied the father, \"what have I done?\" So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.\n\n\"It is amazing that you should come to me,\" stated his friend. \"I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian.\" \n\nSo in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. \"It is amazing that you should come to me,\" stated the Rabbi. \"I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord,\" said the Rabbi.\n\nThey fell to their knees and began to wail and pour our their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, \"Amazing that you should come to me. I, too, sent my Son to Israel....\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3629,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, \"The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!\" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.\n\n\"Leave us alone you religious nuts!\" yelled the first driver as he sped by.\n\nFrom around the curve they heard a big splash.\n\n\"Do you think,\" said one clergy to the other, \"we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3630,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "It has come to our attention that the pastor you received was shipped with a slight defect: he/she is not psychic. This defect necessitates certain special procedures to ensure optimum performance of your unit.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3631,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service:",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3632,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing to have a special 'No Excuse Sunday.'",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3633,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, \"I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?\"\n\nThe first priest says, \"I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.\"\n\n\"So be it,\" says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.\n\nThe second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, \"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?\"\n\n\"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing.\"\n\n\"In that case,\" says the second priest, \"I've always wanted to be a stud.\"\n\n\"So be it,\" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.\n\nA week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. \"Will you have any trouble locating them?\" He asks.\n\n\"The first one should be easy,\" says St. Peter. \"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.\"\n\n\"Why?\" asketh the Lord.\n\n\"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3634,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3635,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3636,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on\neach, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.\n\nThe Pastoral Search Committee.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3637,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Ring ring...\n\nGod: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?\n\nSinner: I seem to have lost my faith.\n\nGod: Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a Catholic Minister?\n\nSinner: Ummm... lets see, I have a confirmation, so it must have been a priest.\n\nGod: And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly Services?\n\nSinner: Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and there.\n\nGod: Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have corrupted your faith?\n\nSinner: Not that I can think of...\n\nGod: Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from Simple Lies *(Microsoft) or Street Rhetoric (Internet), then there is that Guy Morgan at Just 4 Laughs Humor List! Have your Ears downloaded anything that might be construed as corrupting?\n\nSinner: Well I did listen to a bum on the street that said that God was asleep and that anyone who believes was being lulled into the fires of hell.\n\nGod: What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith, you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does not let you Believe in God, but the output of this string is a Goto Hell. Without God there is no hell, thus the paradox.\n\nSinner: And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?\n\nGod: Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible\u00ae and recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the passages about Judas.ini. You can also find some help in the Psalms 100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be used with a complete lack of Faith.\n\nSinner: And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted again?\n\nGod: Well there are several products out there just for that purpose, Lotus Devout\u00ae, Microsoft Seminary Plus\u00ae, and Netscape Hereafter Browser\u00ae. If you use these products and not download data from know corrupting sources, you should be fine.\n\nSinner: Well thank you very much God, This should help out a lot, I should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.\n\nGod: Go in Peace\u00ae my son.\n\nRing ring...\n\nGod: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?\n\nSinner: Hello, I am now Jewish...",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3638,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3639,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3640,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3641,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3642,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3643,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split, Jacob fooled, Joseph ruled, Bush talked, Moses balked, Pharaoh plagued, People walked, Sea divided, Tablets guided, Promises landed, Saul freaked, David peeked, Prophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, Love talked, Anger crucified, Hope died, Love rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained. Amen.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3644,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3645,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3646,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3647,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3648,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3649,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3650,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The other day I went to the local religious book store where\nI saw a \"Honk if you Love Jesus\" bumper sticker. I bought it and put in\non the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting\nexperience followed.\n\nI was stopped at the light of a busy intersection. Just\nlost in thought about the Lord and didn't notice that the light had changed.\nThat bumper sticker really worked. I found lots of people who love Jesus.\nWhy, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy, he must really love\nthe Lord. Because pretty soon he leaned out the window and yelled \"Jesus\nChrist\" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting,\n\"Go Jesus Christ, Go\". Everyone else started honking too. So I leaned out\nmy window and waved and smiled to all those loving people.\n\nThere must have been a guy from Florida back there because\nI could hear him yelling something about a Sunny Beach, and I saw him waving\nin a funny way with only his middle finger up in the air. I had recently\nasked my two kids what that meant. They told me that it was the Hawaiian\nGood Luck Sign. So I leaned out the window and gave him the Good Luck Sign\nback. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that\nthey got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted\nto pray.\n\nBut just then I noticed that the light had changed, and\nI stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car\nto get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I\nleaned out the window and gave them a Big Smile and held up the Hawaiian\nGood Luck Sign as I drove away.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3651,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A Jew, a Greek, and an Italian man all die in a plane crash. \nThey are standing before the Lord, and the Lord tells them, \"I am\ngoing to give you one more chance. I'll send you back to earth on\none condition: that you give up your bad habits.\"\n\n They all say, \"We will, we will. Please let us live again!\" \nThe Italian man agrees to give up eating compulsively. The Jewish\nman promises to give up thinking of money all the time. And the\nGreek man vows not to constantly think about sex.\n\n Suddenly they find themselves back on earth, walking down the\nstreet. Before they even get a chance to say anything to each\nother about what has just happened, the Italian man sees a\nrestaurant and begins to salivate. He starts running toward the\nrestaurant when POOF! He disappears in a cloud of smoke.\n\n Just then, the Jewish man sees a dime on the street a couple of\nfeet away. He steps forward, bends over to pick it up, and POOF! \nBoth he and the Greek disappear.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3652,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3653,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3654,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "At an interfaith retreat some time ago, the organizers decided to allow for a free afternoon of just socializing. A priest, minister, and a rabbi went fishing together.\n\nAfter a while, the priest said, \"Brother, Rabbi, would you please both excuse me, I've got to pee.\" He laid down his fishing pole, stepped over the side of the boat, and *walked across the water to the shore.* He finished his business, then *walked back across the water* to the boat. \n\nThe minister said, \"Father, I didn't want to be the first to have to go,\" stood up, stepped over the side of the boat, and walked right on top of the water to the shore. He also finished his business, zipped up, and walked back on the water right back to the boat.\n\nThe rabbi was awestruck. Imagine -- WALKING on water! He thought to himself, \"well, if they can do this, so can I!\" He excused himself to the priest and minister, put his pole down, stepped over the side of the boat ... and sunk like a rock.\n\nThe priest turned to the minister and said, \"You think we should have told him where the rocks were?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3655,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3656,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this...",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3657,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3658,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3659,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "To find out your car's astrological sign - look for a sticker on the inside of the driver's side door that gives you the exact month and year the car was manufactured. Car horoscopes are based month to month because they are created and assembled over a period of weeks and not just on one day.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3660,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3661,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3662,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3663,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3664,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3665,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3666,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3667,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3668,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3669,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3670,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3671,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Driver's swear ..... are you listenin',\nAt the Mall .....folks are bitchin',\nA miserable sight ..... they're sorry tonite,\nDrivin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand!\n\nGone away ...... are your tires,\nmeter has ...... just expired,\nThey towed you away, while you shopped today,\nParkin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand!\n\nOn the Parkway we will have a breakdown,\nWe'll be stuck and threathened on the side,\nIf we're lucky, muggers might come mug us,\nAnd if we plead they may give us a ride!\n\nSanta's sleigh ..... was impounded,\nAll the Elves ...... were surrounded,\nHe's now in a cell .... for ringin' his bell,\nLiving in New Jersey's TrafficLand!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3672,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3673,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3674,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3675,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3676,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. \"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.\" Ole got up from his coffee and replies \"Well, okay.\"\n\nTwo days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, \"There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.\" Ole got up from his coffee and replies, \"Well, okay.\"\n\nThree days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, \"There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the...\" and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, \"What am I going to do now, Lena?\"\n\nLena replies, \"Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3677,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3678,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott in June 1849. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell\nwhich was shot and which was not.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3679,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3680,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3681,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Now, sit right back, and hear a tale. A tale of a fateful trip. That started from a tropic port, aboard a tiny ship. They were four men, who lived together, but they were all alone.\n\nThey'd sing, \"Fish don't fry in the kitchen, beans don't burn on the grill, took a whole lot of trying', just to get up that hill.\"\n\nShe was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold, like their mother. The youngest one in curls. They got tired of packing and unpacking, town to town, and up and down the dial.\n\n'Til the one day when the lady met this fellow. And they knew it was much more than a hunch. He said, \"Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot.\"\n\nThe guys promised they were good old boys. Never meaning no harm. They were creepy and kooky. Mysterious and kooky. All together ooky.\n\nThe gals responded, \"People say we monkey around. But we're too busy singing to try to put anybody down.\"\n\nThe skipper, brave and sure, five passengers set sail that day, for a three hour tour. A three hour tour. The weather started getting rough. The tiny ship was tossed. They all sang, \"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Schlemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated.\" \n\nThe ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle. Land spreading out so far and wide. The lady said, \"Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside.\"\n\nOnce on land, the lady said, \"I've been down this road, walking down the line that's painted by pride.\" This fellow said, \"This is it. This is it. This is life, the one you got, so go and have a ball.\" He told her, \"Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?\"\n\nTime passed. Then, one day, as he was shooting at some food, up through the ground came a bubblin' crude. Oil, that is. Black gold. Texas tea.\n\nThey were rescued. The rescue ship captain said, \"Welcome back. Your dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back. To that same old place that you laughed about.\"\n\nY'all come back now, y'hear?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3682,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3683,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3684,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.\n\nIn Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:\n\nTo: My Loving Wife\n\nFrom: Your Departed Husband\n\nSubject: I've Arrived!\n\nI've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.\n\n(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3685,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Animals have the darndest thoughts.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3686,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3687,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Next time you are in a car with a friend, and you pull up to a \nred light, look at the guy in the car next to you.\n\nRoll down your window really fast (like you want to talk to \nhim), and when the guy rolls HIS window down, look at him \nand yell:\n\n\"Oh, did you fart, too?\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3688,
"rating": 1.5
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3689,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "One of the worlds most famous blondes turned 40 in 1999.\nShe doesn't look a day over 18, well maybe 27. No cellulite on\nher thighs, no wrinkles, no sagging breasts. Her figure is the\nsame as it was twenty years ago. Many girls from around the\nworld are familiar with this famous blonde. Some would say\nshe is more famous than Madonna.\n\nYes, Barbie Millicent Roberts turns forty in 1999. Is it time\nto give up the mini skirt for something more conservative? You\nbe the judge, but the folks over at Mattel don't seem to think\nso. On the other hand, some women have suggested a few changes\nto the world's most popular doll. Something more fitting for\nthe now middle aged blonde. Here's a list of possible\nnew Barbies...",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3690,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "August 1998 - Montevideo, Uruguay - Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration, decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoorchildren's concert.\n\nIn complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, supposedly equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone. \n\nLater, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, \"I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute\nhigh above the orchestra, like a rocket.\"\n\nHowever, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery. In his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.\n\nWhat actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.\n\nFortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them, passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.\n\nMeanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography notwithstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, \"Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt\nsearing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with an Austrian accent say, 'Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul unopposeet reakshon!'\" \n\nWell, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the tubing of the trombone, through the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face.\n\nThe pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out, while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone, allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.\n\nThe moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the horn section yell out \"Hey, everyone, watch this!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3691,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3692,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3693,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3694,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.\n\n\"Hello?\" I said.\n\nA girl's voice came over the line. \"Can I speak to Ben, please?\"\n\nI live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.\n\nI replied, \"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?\"\n\n\"Do you know what time he'll be back?\" she responded.\n\n\"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00.\"\n\nSilence on the other end... a confused silence.\n\n\"Is this Steve?\"\n\nMy name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.\n\nSo I replied, \"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?\"\n\n\"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him,\" she said in a slightly irritated voice.\n\nI replied, \"Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.\"\n\nA shocked voice now: \"Who's Karen?!\"\n\n\"The girl he went out with.\"\n\n\"I know that! I mean... who is she?\"\n\n\"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?\"\n\n\"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.\"\n\nShe was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. \"I sure will. Is this Jennifer?\"\n\nShe exploded, \"Who's Jennifer?\"\n\nApparently she wasn't.\n\n\"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake.\"\n\n\"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home.\"\n\nI smiled and said, \"Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this...\"\n\n*Click*",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3695,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.\n\nThe man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.\n\nSo the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. \"How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?\"\n\n\"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3696,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3697,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3698,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3699,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3700,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Mrs. Brown is the church Matron, and she has become very famous for the baked beans she makes for every picnick or church potluck. The annual Mother's Day Pot Luck Dinner was tomorrow, and as usual Mrs. Brown set about preparing her baked beans for the meal. She had set everything to going on the stove, and was called away to the door.\n\nMrs. Brown's son Billy came running into a freshly waxed kitchen, with his BB Gun in one hand and a fist full of BB's in the other. He slipped on the freshly waxed floor, and wouldn't you know it, the BB's flew right into the pot of baking beans. Mrs. Brown walked into the kitchen and scolded little Billy for running indoors, but not wanting to get into any further trouble he said nothing about the BB's going into the pot of simmering beans.\n\nThe next day came, and the Pot Luck was an enormous success. As usual, Mrs. Brown's beans were the favorites and were quickly eaten all up. Not a single bean left in the pot. The next morning Mrs. Brown receives a phone call from the church secretary.\n\n\"Mrs. Brown,\" she says, \"Um, I loved your beans as always, but did you perhaps add\nanything, or change your recipe?\"\n\nMrs. Brown replied, \"Why No, it was the same recipe as I always prepare, Why?\"\n\nThe secretary says, \"Well, um, I bent over to feed my cat this morning, and I shot the Canary!\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3701,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3702,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3703,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3704,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid\nprolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.\n\nCaution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous\nspeeds.\n\nHappy Fun Ball Contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due\nto rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.\n\nDo not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.\n\nDiscontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3705,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called Gilligan's Island.\n\nThere is, however, a dark secret about this \"comedy\" you may never have realized.\n\nThe island is a direct representation of HELL.\n\nNobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave. Each one of the\ncharacters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3706,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3707,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "A woman wants the inside of her house painted, so she calls a contractor\nin to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors\nshe wants. She says, \"Now in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral\nbeige, very soft and warm.\" The contractor nods thoughtfully, then goes to the window, leans out, and yells \"Green\nside up\". The woman is most perplexed, but she lets it slide.\n\nThey wander into the next room. She says, \"In the dining room, I'd like\na light white, not stark, but very bright and airy.\" The contractor nods,\nthen he goes to the window,\nleans out, and yells \"Green side up\". The woman is even more perplexed,\nbut still she lets it slide.\n\nThey wander further into the next room. She says, \"In the bedroom, I'd\nlike blue. Restful peaceful, cool blue.\" The contractor nods, then once more he goes to the window,\nleans out, and yells \"Green side up\". This is too much.\n\nThe woman has to ask. So she says, \"Every time I tell you a color, you\ndon't even bother to write it down, but then you yell out the window \"Green Side Up\". What on\nearth does that mean? Are you even paying attention to the colors I want?\"\n\nThe contractor recites her color choices from memory, then shakes his head and says, \"I have\nfour Finns laying sod across the street, and I have to keep reminding them\nwhich side goes up.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3708,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it,\nand there is nothing to buy, no investment to make,\nno money to lose! \n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nTry it now!\n\n\n\n\nFollow this simple procedure:",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3709,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3710,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3711,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3712,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.\n\nAt the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.\n\n\"I'm having a problem,\" she announced. \"The ice keeps melting.\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3713,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,\nSo, Data, please, how far? How far?\n\nData: Our ship can get there very fast\nBut still the trip will last and last\nWe'll have two days 'til we arrive\nBut can the Indrans there survive?\n\nPicard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.\n\nLaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!\n\nPicard: Offline! But why? I want to go!\nPlease make it so, please make it so!\n\nRiker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't,\nWe can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,\nThe danger here is far too great!\n\nPicard: But surely we must not be late!\n\nTroi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.\n\nComputer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!\n\nPicard: The ship's on fire? How could this be?\nWho lit the fire?\n\nRiker: Not me...\n\nWorf: Not me!\n\nPicard: Computer, how long 'til we die?\n\nComputer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.\n\nData: May I suggest a course to take?\nWe could, I think, quite safely make\nExtinguishers from tractor beams\nAnd stop the fire, or so it seems...\n\nGeordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!\nAgain I say, Hurray! Hurray!\n\nPicard: Mr. Data, thank you much.\nYou've saved our lives, our ship, and such.\n\nTroi: We still must save the Indran planet --\n\nData: Which (by the way) is made of granite...\n\nPicard: Enough, you android. Please desist.\nWe understand -- we get your gist.\nBut can we get our ship to go?\nPlease make it so, PLEASE make it so.\n\nGeordi: There's sabotage among the wires\nAnd that's what started all the fires.\n\nRiker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!\nWe need to go! We need to go!\n\nTroi: We must seek out the traitor spy\nAnd lock him up and ask him why?\n\nWorf: Ask him why? How sentimental.\nI say give him problems dental.\n\nTroi: Are any Romulan ships around?\nHave scanners said that they've been found?\nOr is it Borg or some new threat\nWe haven't even heard of yet?\nI sense no malice in this crew.\nNow what are we supposed to do?\n\nCrusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.\nThey cry out, \"Help us, clothe us, feed us!\"\nI can't just sit and let them die!\nA doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!\n\nPicard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.\n\nCrusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.\n\n* COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK *\n\n* HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE? *\n\nWorf: The saboteur is in the brig.\nHe's very strong and very big.\nI had my phaser set on stun --\nA zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!\nHe would not budge, he would not fall,\nHe would not stun, no, not at all!\nHe changed into a stranger form\nAll soft and purple, round and warm.\n\nPicard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?\nDid you see this creature morph?\n\nWorf: I did and then I beat him fairly.\nHit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.\n\nRiker: My commendations, Klingon friend!\nOur troubles now are at an end!\n\nCrusher: Now let's get our ship to fly\nAnd orbit yonder Indran sky!\n\nPicard: LaForge, please tell me we can go---\n\nGeordi: Yes, sir, we can...\n\nPicard: Then make it so!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3714,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Everyone is always sending warnings about viruses, people trying to drug you in the street, people trying to scam use of your mobile phone...the list goes on. I don't usually forward many of these kinds of emails, but this warning came to me today from a\nvery reliable source and I feel compelled to warn my female friends!! (By the way, the reason some men were sent this is so that they can warn the women in their lives as well.)\n\n\n\nIf a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your boobs, DON'T DO IT!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3715,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3716,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "How can you tell what company an insurance man works for? That's easy... just watch to see who he sleeps with....",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3717,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3718,
"rating": 4.5
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the new program on CBS's Cable Channel-\"Jewish Survivor\"?\n\nEighteen Jews are put in a two bedroom non-Rent Controlled Apartment (not a sublet) on the Upper West Side of New York. Each week they vote out one of the Tribe until there is a survivor who gets a $1 million trust fund.\n\nJewish Survivor Rules:",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3719,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3720,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3721,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3722,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3723,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3724,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3725,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Mattel may not want to turn Barbie into a middle aged doll as some women suggested. Still others say it is high time for Ms. Roberts to get in touch with the modern times. Here are some suggestions for a 90's type of Barbie.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3726,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3727,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3728,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3729,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Have you heard about the next planned \"Survivor\" show?\n\nSix men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports AND takes music, dance or lessons on both.\n\nThere is no access to fast food. \n\nEach man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and take care of a pet cat and dog.\n\nThe men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote. \n\nThe men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches. \n\nThey must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. \n\nThe kids vote them off based on performance.\n\nThe winner gets to go back to his job.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3730,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3731,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Shows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result of the electronic and computer age:",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3732,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A Jewish man, a Polish man, and a man from India are driving around looking for a hotel. Unfortunately a convention happens to be in town that night, and there are no rooms available.\n\nThey wind up driving to the outskirts of the city where at last they come across a motel with a VACANCY sign. They stop and go in to register.\n\n\"I'm sorry,\" says the clerk, \"but we only have one room left and it's only a double.\"\n\nThe three men explain how desperate they are, and so the clerk says, \"Okay, I know what we can do. One of you men can sleep out in the barn. Don't worry, though, we'll put a cot out there and make it nice and comfortable for you.\"\n\nThe clerk then shows them to their room, and as he is leaving he says, \"It's up to you three to decided who is going to sleep in the barn.\"\n\nWithout hesitation, the man from India says, \"No problem, I'll sleep in the barn.\"\n\nHe leaves, and a few minutes later, as the other two men are getting ready for bed, they hear a knock at the door. They open it, and the Indian man is standing there. \"So sorry,\" he says, \"I cannot sleep with the sacred cow.\"\n\n\"So, I'll sleep in the barn,\" says the Jewish man, and he leaves. A few minutes later the other two men hear a knock on the door. They answer it, and the Jewish guy is standing there. He shrugs and says, \"Can't sleep with the pig.\"\n\nSo the Polish guy says, \"I guess I'll sleep in the barn.\"\n\nHe leaves. The Indian and the Jewish man are beginning to undress when they hear a sound at the door. They open it and the pig and cow are standing there.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3733,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Dear Washington State residents:\n\nThe recent earthquakes were just a warning.\n\nNow that we have your attention, sell us your power, give us back our sunshine, take back your rain and we'll take back our earthquakes.\n\n[signed] The People of California",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3734,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3735,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3736,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:\n\n\nYour Personality:",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3737,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3738,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3739,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3740,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Read each line ALOUD:\n\nThis is this cat\nThis is is cat\nThis is how cat\nThis is to cat\nThis is keep cat\nThis is a cat\nThis is dumbass cat\nThis is busy cat\nThis is for cat\nThis is about cat\nThis is forty cat\nThis is seconds cat\n\nNow go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3741,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3742,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3743,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Once uton a pime in a corn funtry there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with her two sad blisters and her mugly other. Also in this corn funtry there liv inviting all the geautiful birls from riles amound. But Rindercella gouldn't co. She had to make dancy fesses for her two sad blisters and her mugly other.\n\nWhile they all went off to the bancy fall, Rindercella just cat down and shried. She was just citting there a shrying when there appeared before her - her jerry mud father! \"Rindercella,\" she asked, \"Shry do you why?\" Rindercella mold her jerry mud father\nof her werrible tork.\n\nJust then her jerry mud father made Rindercella a geautiful bown and took two mield fice and a tumpkin and purned them into two stighty malions and cig boach! Off to the bancy fall went Rindercella, with the warning that she must go home before the mid clock struck night.\n\nAs Rindercella entered the bancy fall the pransome hince saw her through a widden hindow and thought she gas worgeous! They danced and danced and soon they lell in fove. Suddenly, the mid clock struck night and fearing her cig boach would purn into a tumpkin,\nRindercella staced down the rairs. But as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper.\n\nWell the nery vext day the pransome hince searched the corn funtry for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. He tried it on Rindercella's mugly other, but if fidn't dit. He tried it on her sad blisters... Then, the dripper fit only Rindercella at last.\n\nNow the storal of the mory: If you ever go to a bancy fall to meet a pransome hince with the hopes of lalling in fove, don't forget to slop your dripper!",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3744,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3745,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "... Have I Got a Deal for You!\nMore than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough\nto pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According\nto the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend\ntheir \"next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and\npainted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the\nincredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the\nviews. Trips to the moon also available.\" Authorities believe that the\ncon men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...\n\n... Did I Say That?!\nPolice in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just\ncouldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man\nin the lineup to repeat the words, \"Give me all your money or I'll\nshoot\", the man shouted, \"That's not what I said!\"\n\n... Are We Not Communicating?\nA man spoke frantically into the phone: \"My wife is pregnant and her\ncontractions are only two minutes apart!\" \"Is this her first child?\" the\ndoctor asked. \"No, you idiot!\" the man shouted. \"This is her husband!\"\n\n... Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!\nIn Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a\nBank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and finger to\nsimulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his\npocket.\n\n... Counter Thought\nI was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk\nnoticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.\nShe informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the\ncard was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary\nto compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just\nsigned on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She\ncarefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As\nluck would have it, they matched.\n\n... Idiots & Geography\nAfter interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I\ndescribed the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, \"Really? Where is Monosyllabia?\" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, \"Oh, you mean over by Croatia?\"\n\n... Advice for Idiots\nAn actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety\nHandbook for Employees: \"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate\nyour eyes.\"\n\n... Idiots in the Neighborhood\nI live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the\nlocal township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer\nCrossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars\nand he no longer wanted them to cross there.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3746,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "DETROIT\nAs of Friday, June 24, 1994 the Ford Bronco has officially been selected as the vehicle of choice in the United States. The Conclusive California road test, as seen on national TV, proved without a doubt that the 1994 Bronco can successfully hold off 15 or more police cars, 3 helicopters, and the entire population of the United States for more than an hour and a half, while never exceeding 43 miles per hour. The vehicle even works as well parked in the driveway of your residence. If you are a felon, then we have a special deal for you on a brand new Ford Bronco. Just go to your local Ford dealer and ask for the new O.J. Package. This specially equipped Bronco comes with a .30 caliber pistol, twenty five rounds of ammunition, blood resistant upholstery, cellular phone with speed-dialing for 911 calls, $10,000.00 cash, a passport, a former famous football player blow-up doll, and a high-powered well-qualified lawyer who will greet you when you arrive home. Picture yourself leaning comfortably back in your seat, listening to the gentle swirl of helicopter blades and police cars purring. And if you act now, we will throw in the O.J. Magical Disappearing Ginzo Knife at no extra charge. Be the first in your cell to own the new 1994 O.J. EDITION BRONCO. See your Ford Dealer now.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3747,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Let's see if I understand the state of personal responsibility in the\nAmerica of the 1990s.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3748,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3749,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Hello, and thanks for calling. Your call is very important to us\nand, we're sure, to all of humankind. If you would like to\nchallenge my sincerity, press 1.\n\nWe are currently experiencing a high volume of calls and frankly,\nyou are not helping the situation. All of our assistant associate\nrepresentatives are presently *assisting* themselves to a\n*cigarette* and associating with a jelly doughnut, so for more\nefficient routing of your call, please select from the following\nmenu:\n\nFor a list of our hours, press 2. For a list of our morbid fears,\npress 3. For a list of our government budget-balancing ideas, such\nas having the president make all trips by hot-air balloon, press 4.\n\nIf you wish to place an order, press the pound key. If you wish to\ncomplain about newspapers, pound the press key. If you wish to wish\nupon a star, makes no difference who you are, press -- what else? --\nthe star key.\n\nTo report a mechanical problem, press 42 and imitate the sound\nyour problem makes. Feel free to use a kazoo.\n\nTo obtain your account balance, spiritually speaking, press 8. If\nyou are suspicious of poodles, press 71. If you believe Tennessee\nWilliams' fatal shortcoming was his arrogant disdain for car and\ntruck chase scenes, press 19.\n\nTo report a Korlo Panda sighting, press 85 and give the name of\nthe laundromat. If you wish to access your files, punch in the\n14-digit number that appears on the bottom of any can of creamed\ncorn.\n\nFor shipping and receiving, press 44. For moving and grooving,\npress 45.\n\nIf you would like to see O.J. Simpson submit to a no-holds-barred\ninterview conducted by Sesame Street's Big Bird and Cookie\nMonster, press 91.\n\nFor a list of upcoming events, press 68. For a list of events that\nwill never come up but we wish would, such as a speeding\nlocomotive crashing into a huge chocolate mousse shaped like a\nGreyhound bus, press 22.\n\nIf you would like to hear how you can earn big money in your spare\ntime by kicking butt and taking names, press 18.\n\nTo find out why people don't name their babies \"Felix'' anymore,\npress 73.\n\nIf you went through the supermarket express line with 14 items and\nyou wish to confess your sin, press 30. If you also had coupons,\nprepare to burn in hell.\n\nTo report a discrepancy between the way you planned your life and\nthe way it's turning out, press 86.\n\nIf you need immediate assistance, join the club, pal. If you wish\nto join the Pal Club, press 55.\n\nFor a list of hip phrases to shout when you're shooting dice so\nyou don't have to keep using the one about infant requiring new\nfootwear, press 93.\n\nTo hear an explanation of exactly what it is tugboats do, press 25.\nIf you would like to hear my impression of James Cagney ordering a\npizza, press 26.\n\nIf you wish to end this call or return to the main menu, do not\npress your luck. You are not going back to any main menu, my friend.\nYou have come too far. There is no turning back. You can only press one.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3750,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. In the ongoing sketch, Carnac would draw a sealed envelope from a mayonnaise jar, and hold it to his forehead. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. What is missing here is his delivery. Great sketch - and you might get lucky enough to find it on Nickoleodeon.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3751,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3752,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3753,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3754,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "There are four basic types of chain letters:\n\n\nSend this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if\nyou accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and\na mad goat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!!\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nWasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel\nguilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a\ncertain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a\nmad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.\nIt's true! Because , you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake\nones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes.\n\nSend this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending\nthem a stupid chain letter.\n\nSend this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending\nthem a stupid chain letter.\n\n5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a\nstupid chain letter.\n\n10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them a\nstupid chain letter.\n\n20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with\nyou for sending them a stupid chain letter.\n\nThanks!!!! Good Luck!!! \n\n\n\n\n\nQueer Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on\nSaturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She\nthen tripped in a crack in the side walk, fell into the sewer, was\ngushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poop, and went flying out over a\nwaterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To\nYou!!!\n\nQueer Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter\nin his mail and ignored it . Later that day, he was hit by a car and so\nwas his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way, especially at\nOklahoma City University). They both died and went to hell. They\ncontinued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable\nkittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!!\n\nRemember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this\nletter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.\n\nOf course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on\nand then he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3\nchildren and lived happily ever after.\n\nRight up until he started working late every night, started an affair\nwith his secretary and boozing. Then she started sleeping with the golf\npro at the local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and\ntheir 2.3 children got into gangs and drugs. Then everything went to\nhell, and they got divorced. She got the house and the kids, and he got\nthe car and child support payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment,\nlost his job and his car and now is working the midnight shift at the\nlocal McDonald's.\n\n\n\n\nAs if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of\nyour friends.\n\n\n - A friend is someone who is always at your side, - A friend is\nsomeone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog, - A friend\nis someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly, - A\nfriend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself, -\nA friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about\nyour loser life, - A friend is someone who pretends they like you when\nthey really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown\nto vicious dogs, - A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and\nvacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much\nEnglish no, sorry that's the cleaning lady,\n\nNow pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your\nroom in your sleep!!\n\n\n\nRemember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore\nit.\n\nTRASH IT!!! If it's a joke or something, send it, sure! Just don't\nforget to delete the chain letter part. But if it's gonna make people\nfeel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or\nnervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just\nDELETE it.\n\nDo yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say NO!!! to\nBLOODY CHAIN LETTERS!!\" Thank you.''",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3755,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch\nand a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's\nsurface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this\npotential source of substance.\n\nDespite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained\nits original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be\nsubstantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on\nthe consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained\nits advertised \"creaminess\"\n\n\nA Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for\nprecisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20\nseconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma\nof artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the\nacrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes\n10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven.\nA second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked\nmolten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the\nTwinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon application\nof a butter knife.\n\n\nA Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately\n120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected\n\"splatter\" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage\nto the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie\nremained structurally intact.\n\n\nA Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal,\nthe Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties\nhad noticeably \"slowed\". The filling was found to be the approximate consistency\nof acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering\nto practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed\nthe freezer odors.\n\n\nA Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked\nand blackened and the filling in one of its \"cream holes\" boiled, the Twinkie\ndid not catch fire. It did, however produce the same \"burning rubber\" aroma\nnoticed in the irradiation experiment.\n\n\nA Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie\nfloated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils\nran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial\ncoloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring\nwas now a very pale tan -- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water\nthat surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous\ntexture. After 72 hours the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of\nits original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped\nspray of filling had leaked from one of the \"cream holes\". Unfortunately,\nefforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when,\nunder light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud\nof debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.\n\n\nThe Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual\nphenomena associated with the \"creamy filling\" and artificial coloring,\nshould give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize\nthe Twinkie as \"food\". Further clinical inquiry is required before any\ndefinite conclusions can be drawn.\n\nGreg Ricker\nWestinghouse Security Electronics",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3756,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3757,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3758,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3759,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3760,
"rating": 2.5
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3761,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3762,
"rating": 3.67
},
{
"body": "A medieval king was doing battle with the neighboring kingdom and had the chance to defeat his enemy if he could get a message out to his allies further south. He called his knights together and requested a volunteer to carry this entreaty.\n\nImmediately a tall and brave knight stepped forward and announced he would gladly volunteer his services. It was with much fanfare that the knight mounted his steed, the secret message in his saddlepack, and headed out across the drawbridge. Out of the clouds came a giant yellow hand that snatched both the knight and his steed off the drawbridge, crushed them both, and deposited their remains into the alligator filled moat below.\n\nA somber hush fell over the castle. The king again requested a volunteer to save his kingdom. And another knight stepped forward, willing to risk his life for the glory of serving his king and kingdom. Much concern and hoopla went on as he mounted his steed, deposited the secret message in his saddlebag, and headed out across the draw bridge. And AGAIN this enormous yellow hand swooped down out of the clouds, snatching him off the drawbridge, crushing him and depositing him in the alligator filled moat.\n\nThe king was at a loss as surely he would lose the battle and his kingdom in the process. No other knights would step forward. The king offerred his daughter's hand and half his kingdom to whoever could dispatch the message to his allies.\n\nA small page stepped forward, caring little about the kingdom but possessing an intense desire for the princess. \"I'll do it,\" he said, as he took the entreaty and placed it in the purse pages were wont to carry in those days.\n\nThe drawbridge was lowered and he scampered across as fast as his little legs would carry him. As before, down swoops this giant yellow hand, grabbing for the page as he\nraced along, but as luck would have it, his size worked to his advantage, and he slipped between the fingers, reached the other side of the drawbridge and disappeared into the\nsafety of the forest. The message was successfully delivered, the war was won, and he lived happily ever after with the princess on his half of the kingdom.\n\nThe moral?",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3763,
"rating": 2.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3764,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe. So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes. A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: \"As your neighbors, we are deeply touched\nyou requested our help,\" etc., etc., \"but we have no idea at all how to do it.\" The German fax read: \"We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it.\" The Polish fax read: \"As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy\nand economic resuscitation. \"We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually. \"So, it is our proposal to handle the\nsituation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane ...\"",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3765,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Examples of unclear writing (Sentences taken from actual letter received by Welfare Department in Application for Support..)",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3766,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3767,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3768,
"rating": 3.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3769,
"rating": 5.0
},
{
"body": "The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.\n\nThe Queen says to the Pope, \"Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?\"\n\nHe doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.\n\nThe Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, \"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.\"\n\nThe Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. \"One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.\"\n\nSo the Pope slaps her.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3770,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3771,
"rating": 1.0
},
{
"body": "Letter to Xerox and the Reply\n\nDear Kings of Kopiers:(feel free to use that) I just started a new job as an exterminator's assistant, and part of my job is mailing out invoices to our clients. Today, while printing all the invoices, I ran out of printer paper, so I ran down to the local office supply store and picked up several boxes of Xerox MultiUse Paper.\n\nWhile the invoices were printing, I noticed something on the package of paper that concerned me, and I thought I'd better check with you about it. On the box, there is a little thing that says 99.99% jam free. I know that sometimes wood finds its way into paper, but jam? I was always taught to keep all food and drinks away from\ncomputer equipment, especially something as sticky as jam.\n\nNow, I realize that it is a very small amount of jam in each piece of paper, but we use an awful LOT of paper, my friends, and all that jam is sure to add up. Won't that adversely affect the life of our printer? I mean, I'm sure you know what you're doing when it comes to paper, but we use more than the average consumer, so maybe we would be better off with a \"Jam-free\" paper, if you offer such a product. I will look for it next time I am shopping, which will be soon, as I don't want to use any more of this paper until I find out if it's really safe.\n\nIf it is safe, why not say \"Contains .01% jam, but it's perfectly safe\" in big letters, since I'm sure that I am not the only one who has this concern. You may end up selling a lot more paper that way.\n\nBy the way, I'm curious as to why you would even put jam in paper. Does it help bond everything together so it doesn't look like confettii? Just curious. Also, I'd appreciate a Xerox keychain.\n\nThanks,\n\nDave Cilluffo\nPO Box 731\nEdinboro Pa 16412-0731\n\n\n\n\n\n\nThank you for your message.\nWe greatly appreciate your taking the time to send us your feedback regarding our 99.99% jam free paper. We have restricted the manufacture of paper to the morning because we have so many folks who eat jam for lunch. Nevertheless, it has been our experience that small amounts of jam have found its way into the paper via morning bagels and jam-filled\ndonuts.\n\nOur tests have shown that the .01% jam isn't harmful to machinery and you may continue to use it. In fact the jam has improved the overall quality of the finished print. However, you may have to keep a can of ant spray around. You may wish to enhance paper\nperformance by using the 99.99% jam free paper with our new line of 99.99% peanut butter free paper. They absolutely work best when used together. Or if you prefer you can save time by using the 99.99% PB & J free paper. Whatever you choose we are sure you will be pleased with the results. \n\nIn appreciation of your e-mail, we will be sending you a Xerox T- shirt. If we can be of other help in the future, please let us know.",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3772,
"rating": 4.0
},
{
"body": "Note: Tradewars is on online role-playing game where you are a spaceship captain, and roam a 5,000 sector universe trading and/or killing away. You also get to build things and gather colonists. Look for the game on local BBS'\n\nOn your first game you most likely did the following:",
"category": "Miscellaneous",
"id": 3773,
"rating": 3.0
}
]
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