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[
{
"body": "What do you call a cow with no legs?\r\n\r\nGround Beef!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1,
"title": "Cow With No Legs"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?\r\n\r\nUtter destruction.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2,
"title": "Jumping Cow"
},
{
"body": "What's black and white and red all over?\r\n\r\nA newspaper.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4,
"title": "Black, White and Red"
},
{
"body": "So, this guy walks into a bar.\r\n\r\nAnd says, \"ouch\".",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 5,
"title": "Guy in a Bar"
},
{
"body": "If the opposite of pro is con, isn't the opposite of progress, congress?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6,
"title": "Progress"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean?\r\n\r\nBob!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7,
"title": "Guy with no Limbs"
},
{
"body": "I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8,
"title": "Antenna"
},
{
"body": "There's this dyslexic guy... he walked into a bra...",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 9,
"title": "Into the Bar"
},
{
"body": "Joel: \"How's the progress on new house that you are building Pete?\"\r\nPeter: \"Things are really slow at the moment.\"\r\nJoel: \"Yeah, I guess all this rain would be putting a dampener on things...\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10,
"title": "Rain"
},
{
"body": "A white horse walked into a bar. The barman saw him and said, \"We have a whiskey named after you!\"\r\n\r\nThe horse looked puzzled and said, \"What, Eric?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11,
"title": "White Horse"
},
{
"body": "There was a dyslexic insomniac agnostic.\r\n\r\nHe laid awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12,
"title": "Pondering the afterlife"
},
{
"body": "What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?\r\n\r\nA start.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 13,
"title": "500 Lawyers"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?\r\n\r\nA bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 14,
"title": "What's the difference?"
},
{
"body": "Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. \r\n\r\n\"Hallo! Mr. Hussein,\" a heavily accented voice said. \"This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, Paddy,\" Saddam replied, \"this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?\" \r\n\r\n\"At this moment in time,\" said Paddy after a moment's calculation, \"there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!\" \r\n\r\nSaddam sighed. \"I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command.\" \r\n\r\n\"Begorra!\" said Paddy, \"I'll have to ring you back!\" \r\n\r\nSure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. \"Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!\" \r\n\r\n\"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?\" Saddam asked. \r\n\r\n\"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm.\" \r\n\r\nOnce more Saddam sighed. \"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke.\" \r\n\r\n\"Really?\" said Paddy \"I'll have to ring you back!\" \r\n\r\nSure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. \"Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!\" \r\n\r\nSaddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. \"I must tell you Paddy that I have a thousand bombers, 500 MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million.\" \r\n\r\n\"Faith and begorra!\" said Paddy, \"I'll have to ring you back.\" \r\n\r\nSure enough, Paddy called again the next day. \"Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry to hear that,\" said Saddam. \"Why the sudden change of heart?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said Paddy \"We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15,
"title": "Hello! Mr Hussein?"
},
{
"body": "A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, \"Doctor I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent.\"\r\n\r\n\"As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.\" The doctor says, \"I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.\" \r\n\r\nThe next week the lady goes back to his office. \"Doctor,\" she says, \"I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!\" \r\n\r\nThe doctor says, \"Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 16,
"title": "Windy"
},
{
"body": "Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17,
"title": "Infants vs Adults"
},
{
"body": "If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 18,
"title": "Pig"
},
{
"body": "Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.\r\n\r\nThey begin talking. After about five minutes, Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.\r\n\r\nConfused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later, the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.\r\n\r\nBut when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.\r\n\r\n\"I'm going back home!\" he tells the Iraqi. \"We'll finish these talks in two weeks!\"\r\n\r\nA fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.\r\n\r\nThey begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.\r\n\r\n\"Forget this,\" says Saddam. \"I'm going back to Baghdad!\" Bush says through tears of laughter, \"What Baghdad?\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 19,
"title": "Buttons"
},
{
"body": "During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. \"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out.\" He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.\r\nIt is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:\r\n\"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?\"\r\nThe groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, \"Yes.\"\r\nThe groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, \"I thought we had a deal.\"\r\nThe pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, \"She made me a much better offer.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 20,
"title": "Bride & Groom"
},
{
"body": "Doctor: Well I hope you enjoy changing diapers, Mrs Jones?\r\nMrs Jones: Why, Am I pregnant?\r\nDoctor: No, you have bowel cancer!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 21,
"title": "Am I Pregnant?"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a blond with half a brain?\r\n\r\nGifted.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 22,
"title": "Clever Blond"
},
{
"body": "Q What has two legs, and bleeds?\r\n\r\nA Half a dog!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 23,
"title": "Two Legs"
},
{
"body": "An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.\r\n\r\n\"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress,\" she says.\r\n\r\n\"Come again?\" says the clerk, cupping his ear.\r\n\r\n\"No\" she replies. \"This time it's mayonnaise.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 24,
"title": "Dry Cleaners"
},
{
"body": "A drunk man walked up to an elevator. He pressed the up button and opened the doors before the elevator could come down to him. He fell all the way down, and said, \"Darn it, I said up.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 27,
"title": "I Said Up"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 28,
"title": "Pepsi Challenge"
},
{
"body": "You know you're a redneck if you introduce a friend to your wife and sister and he only has to shake one hand.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 29,
"title": "How You Can Tell Your A Redneck.."
},
{
"body": "A patient wakes up after having surgery to remove a gangrenous leg.\r\n\r\nDoctor: \"I have good news and bad news.\"\r\nPatient: \"What's the bad news?\"\r\nDoctor: \"The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg.\"\r\nPatient: \"That's terrible! What's the good news?\"\r\nDoctor: \"We think the other leg is going to make it alright.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 30,
"title": "Amputation"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, that to get her out of a phone booth we had to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie into the street.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 31,
"title": "Phone Booth"
},
{
"body": "A man and his wife were cleaning out their attic when the man found a shoe repair stub in the pocket of an old jacket. \"Hey - check this out,\" he said to his wife, \"this stub is 20 years old. I wonder if the shop still has the shoes.\"\r\nSo the next day the man went to the shoe shop and asked the owner if he still had the shoes. The owner disappeared into the back of the shop for about five minutes.\r\nWhen he returned, he replied happily, \"Yup, believe it or not, we've still got the shoes. They'll be ready next Thursday.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 32,
"title": "Shoe Repair"
},
{
"body": "A bishop, a priest, and a Rabbi walk into a bar.\r\n\r\nThe bartender looks at them and says, \"What is this, a joke?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 33,
"title": "Bishop, Priest, Rabbi"
},
{
"body": "The Pope, a hippie, and George Bush were all on a plane that was crashing. The pilots had already jumped to safety and there were only two parachutes left. Without a moment's hesitation, Bush grabbed a pack, yelled \"I'm the most powerful man in the universe! I have to survive!\", and jumped from the plane.\r\nThe Pope, being the generous man that he is, said to the hippie, \"You go ahead and take the last parachute. I'm an old man and I have lived a very full life.\" \r\nThe hippie thanked the Pope but said, \"Don't worry - we'll both be fine. The most powerful man in the universe just jumped off the plane with my backpack.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 34,
"title": "Crashing Plane"
},
{
"body": "Economic times were very bad, so the plant owner had a difficult time finding people to work in his new factory. In an act of desperation, he hired a tribe of cannibals. At their orientation he made it very clear that he would not tolerate any acts of cannibalism in the plant.\r\n\r\nThree months went by without incident, when all of a sudden a secretary disappeared without a trace.\r\n\r\nThe manager rounded up all of the cannibals.\r\n\"If I find out that one of you ate the secretary,\" he said, \"I'm going to fire all of you!\" and with that, stormed out of the room.\r\n\r\nAfter he left the room, one of the cannibals stood up and said, \"This is a disgrace! For months we've been eating managers and no one has even noticed! Which one of you fools ate a secretary?!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 35,
"title": "Cannibals"
},
{
"body": "Jim is in a hot-air balloon, completely lost. He sees a man in a field below and flies down to him.\r\n\r\n\"Excuse me sir, but can you tell me where I am?\"\r\n\r\nThe man in the field replied \"You're in a balloon.\"\r\n\r\nJim said \"You're an engineer, aren't you?\"\r\n\r\n\"Why yes, I am. How did you know?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because you gave me a perfectly logical, yet completely useless answer.\"\r\n\r\nJim continued flying, when he saw another man in a field. \"Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me where I am?\" he asked.\r\n\r\n\"Well, you're about two miles north of Ogdenville. If you go to the west side of town you'll find an airstrip that you can safely land on.\"\r\n\r\nJim replied \"Thank you very much, sir. That was extremely helpful. Say, I'll bet you're a manager, aren't you?\"\r\n\r\n\"Why yes, I am, how did you know?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because your pants are on backward\".",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 36,
"title": "Balloon Ride"
},
{
"body": "An Engineering Major says \"How does it work?\"\r\n\r\nA Science Major says \"Why does it work?\"\r\n\r\nAn Accounting Major says \"How much will it cost?\"\r\n\r\nA Liberal Arts Major says \"Do you want fries with that?\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 37,
"title": "How Does It Work?"
},
{
"body": "How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nOnly one, but the bulb has got to WANT to change.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 38,
"title": "Psychologist Handyman"
},
{
"body": "A man was sitting next to the Pope on a cross-country flight. The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. He turned to the man and asked \"Do you know a four-letter word for 'woman' that ends in U-N-T?\"\r\n\r\nThe man thought for a minute and said \"Aunt.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh yes, of course,\" the Pope replied. \"Do you have an eraser?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 39,
"title": "Pope's Crossword Puzzle"
},
{
"body": "A brunette was walking down the middle of the street, saying \"34...34...34\" over and over again. A blonde stopped her and asked why she was doing that.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, it's great fun,\" replied the brunette. \"You should try it\".\r\n\r\nSo the blonde walked down the street repeating \"34...34...34...\" when all of a sudden a car sped by and ran her over.\r\n\r\nThe brunette then started walking down the road again, saying \"35...35...35...\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 40,
"title": "34...34...34..."
},
{
"body": "How can you tell if a blonde woman has been dating?\r\n\r\nBy the belt buckle imprint on her forehead.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 41,
"title": "Dating Blonde"
},
{
"body": "What does a blonde say when she loses her virginity?\r\n\r\n\"So are you guys all on the same team?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 42,
"title": "Blonde Deflowering"
},
{
"body": "How many lawyers does it take to shingle the roof of a house?\r\n\r\nIt depends on how thin you slice 'em.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 43,
"title": "Shingles"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf?\r\n\r\nHe chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 44,
"title": "Polish Wolf"
},
{
"body": "A polar bear walked into a bar and said\r\n\"Can I please have a gin and............................................tonic?\"\r\nThe bartender replied \"Sure, but why the large pause?\"\r\n\"I don't know, I've always had them!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 45,
"title": "Polar Bear"
},
{
"body": "A termite walks into a bar and asks, \"Is the bartender here?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 46,
"title": "Termit"
},
{
"body": "Did you know diarhea is part of your inheritence?\r\n\r\nYa, it flows in our genes.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 50,
"title": "Diarhea"
},
{
"body": "It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.\r\n\r\nConsider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.\r\n\r\nUnfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing\r\nscream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.\r\n\r\nAt the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:\r\n\r\nDearest Wife,\r\n\r\nJust got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.\r\n\r\nPS. Sure is hot down here.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 51,
"title": "E-mails"
},
{
"body": "There's this guy he goes to see the doctor and says, \"Doctor, Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I have a strawberry stuck up my bottom.\"\r\nThe doctor says, \"It's ok, I'll give you some cream to put on it.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 52,
"title": "Strawberry Issues"
},
{
"body": "The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.\r\n\r\nThe new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.\r\n\r\nThe old priest suggests, \"Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.\" The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, \"Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'\"\r\n\r\nThe new priest says those things, trying them out.\r\nThe old priest says, \"Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 53,
"title": "Sound Advice"
},
{
"body": "Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. \r\nThat way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 54,
"title": "Judgement"
},
{
"body": "When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 55,
"title": "Bayl"
},
{
"body": "A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.\r\n\r\nAt about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. \"Is this the vet?\" asked an elderly lady.\r\n\r\n\"Yes, it is,\" replied the vet, \"Is this an emergency?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, sort of,\" said the elderly lady, \"There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?\"\r\n\r\nThere was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, \"Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone.\"\r\n\r\n\"Really?\" said the elderly lady, \"Will that stop them?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, it should,\" said the vet, \"It stopped ME!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 56,
"title": "Cat Calls"
},
{
"body": "Six-year-old Jerry came downstairs bellowing lustily. \"What's the matter?\" asked his mother. \"Papa was hanging pictures, and he just\r\nhit his thumb with a hammer,\" said Jerry. \"That's not so serious,\" soothed his mother. \"A big man like you shouldn't cry at a trifle like that. Why didn't you just laugh?\" \"I did,\" sobbed Jerry.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 57,
"title": "Sobbing Jerry"
},
{
"body": "The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one\r\ngeneration to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.\r\n\r\nHowever, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:\r\n\r\n1. Buying a stronger whip.\r\n\r\n2. Changing riders.\r\n\r\n3. Threatening the horse with termination.\r\n\r\n4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.\r\n\r\n5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.\r\n\r\n6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.\r\n\r\n7. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.\r\n\r\n8. Change the form so that it reads: \"This horse is not dead.\"\r\n\r\n9. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.\r\n\r\n10. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.\r\n\r\n11. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby\r\ndeducting its full original cost.\r\n\r\n12. Provide additional funding to increase the horse's performance.\r\n\r\n13. Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.\r\n\r\n14. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.\r\n\r\n15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 58,
"title": "Dead Horse Management"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a donkey with one leg?\r\nA wonky donkey\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?\r\nA winky wonky donkey\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye making love?\r\nA bonky winky wonky donkey\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while breaking wind?\r\nA stinky bonky winky wonky donkey\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while\r\nbreaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?\r\nA honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while\r\nbreaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?\r\nA plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, making love while\r\nbreaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a truck?\r\nBloody talented!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 59,
"title": "The Donkey"
},
{
"body": "An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, \"Oh God, I'm screwed.\"\r\n\r\nThe sky darkens and a voice booms out, \"No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.\"\r\n\r\nSo with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives...\r\n\r\nThe voice booms out again, \"Okay... NOW you're screwed.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 60,
"title": "Gee, thanks."
},
{
"body": "One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls. \r\n\"You see, there are the originals,\" said the first monk. \"All the new scrolls were copied from these.\" \r\n\r\n\"Can I see one?\" \r\n\r\n\"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom . . \" All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees. \r\n\r\n\"What? What does it say?\" \r\n\r\n\"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 61,
"title": "Astounding Discovery"
},
{
"body": "\"Doc,\" says Steve, \"I want to be castrated.\" \r\n\"What on earth for?\" asks the doctor in amazement. \r\n\r\n\"It's something I've been thinking about it for a long time and I want to have it done\" replies Steve. \r\n\r\n\"But have you thought it through properly?\" asks the doctor, \"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, OK.\", says the doctor, \"But it's against my better judgment!\" \r\n\r\nSo Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. \r\n\r\n\"Hi there,\" says Steve,\"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the patient, \"I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.\" \r\n\r\nSteve stared at him in horror and screamed, \"Shit! THAT'S the word!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 62,
"title": "Know Your Medicine"
},
{
"body": "A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring \"Run....Run!\" \r\nThe next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: \"R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!\" \r\n\r\nA third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams \"R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!\" \r\n\r\nThe next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells \"R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!\" \r\n\r\nAll the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, \"He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.\" \r\n\r\nAfter this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, \"Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 63,
"title": "Take a Walk"
},
{
"body": "Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks \"Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?\" \r\nThe nine-year-old replies, \"Nope, not for my mom.\" Without thinking, the cashier responded, \"Well, they must be for your sister then?\" The nine-year-old responded, \"Nope, not for my sister either.\"\r\n\r\nThe cashier had now become curious. \"Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?\" \r\n\r\nThe nine-year old says \"They're for my four-year-old little brother.\" The cashier is surprised: \"Your four year-old-brother?\" \r\n\r\nThe nine-year-old explains: \"Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 64,
"title": "Advertising"
},
{
"body": "Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, \"Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane.\" \r\nAnd every year Martha would say, \"I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.\" \r\n\r\nOne year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, \"Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.\" \r\n\r\nMartha replied, \"Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.\" \r\n\r\nThe pilot overheard them and said, \"Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars.\" \r\n\r\nStumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, \"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.\" \r\n\r\nStumpy replied, \"Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 65,
"title": "10 Dollars"
},
{
"body": "A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, \"Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!\" \r\nAnother young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, \"Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!\" \r\n\r\nAbout three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, farts, and says, \"Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 66,
"title": "Sharp Retort"
},
{
"body": "The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.\r\n\r\nThe war-weary soldier asked: \"Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?\" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said; \"You Americans, you are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?\" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked: \"Please, lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired.\" The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, \"You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!\"\r\n\r\nThe soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.\r\n\r\nAn English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up; \"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand; you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road, and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 67,
"title": "Weary Soldier"
},
{
"body": "A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.\r\n\r\nOn his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:\r\n\r\n\"Get me an fucking cup of coffee, quickly!\"\r\n\r\nThe voice from the other side responded,\r\n\r\n\"You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" replied the trainee.\r\n\r\n\"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!\"\r\n\r\nThe trainee shouted back,\r\n\r\n\"And do you know who YOU are fucking talking to, you idiot?\"\r\n\r\n\"No!\" replied the Managing Director indignantly.\r\n\r\n\"Thanks for that!\" replied the trainee and put down the phone.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 68,
"title": "Inside Knowledge"
},
{
"body": "Two guys walked into a bar... you would have thought the second one would have ducked.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 69,
"title": "Two Guys"
},
{
"body": "Two cows were standing next to each other in a field.\r\n\r\nDaisy says to Dolly, \"I was artificially inseminated this morning.\"\r\n\"I don't believe you,\" said Dolly.\r\n\"It's true, straight up, no bull!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 70,
"title": "Two Cows"
},
{
"body": "Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says \"Dam\".",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 71,
"title": "Concrete Wall"
},
{
"body": "A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.\r\n\r\nAll of sudden, he said out loud, \"Lord grant me one wish.\"\r\n\r\nSuddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, \"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me always, I will grant you one wish.\" \r\n\r\nThe man said, \"Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.\"\r\n\r\nThe Lord said, \"Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. \r\n\r\n\"Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me.\"\r\n\r\nThe man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, \"Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy.\" \r\n\r\nAfter a few minutes God said, \"You want two lanes on that bridge or four?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 72,
"title": "Infinite Wisdom"
},
{
"body": "The darkest hours come just before the dawn.\r\n\r\nSo if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 73,
"title": "The Darkest Hours"
},
{
"body": "Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 74,
"title": "Always Remember"
},
{
"body": "If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 75,
"title": "If at First..."
},
{
"body": "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day...\r\n\r\nTeach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 76,
"title": "Give a Man a Fish..."
},
{
"body": "There's a lovely young woman in New Zealand who is getting her house redecorated. She is walking around the house with the builder, telling him what colors she is thinking of painting the walls. \r\n They go firstly into the dining room, and she says that she'd like it painted a nice lilac color. The builder nods, before yelling out the window, \"GREEN SIDE UP!\" \r\n They then move into the kitchen. The woman says she was thinking of a pale blue for this room. The builder nods, before again yelling out the window, \"GREEN SIDE UP!\" \r\n They then continue into one of the bedrooms, and the woman says she wanted this one a yellow color. The builder nods once again, then yells out the window, \"GREEN SIDE UP!\" \r\n The woman then finally turns to him with a puzzled expression, and says \"Look, I have to ask. No matter what color I ask for, you yell out the window 'Green side up', what's going on?\"\r\n \"Oh don't worry about that\" says the builder \"I've got a couple of Aussies laying turf out front!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 77,
"title": "Green Side Up"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a blind deer?\r\n\r\nNo idea (no eye deer.)\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a blind deer with no legs?\r\n\r\nStill no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer)",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 78,
"title": "The Deer"
},
{
"body": "Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 79,
"title": "Point of Note"
},
{
"body": "A duck walked into a store one day and asked the clerk, \"Do you have any grapes?\" The clerk said, \"No.\" So the duck walked out and came back the next day and said, \"You got any grapes?\" and the clerk said, \"No.\" So the duck walked out and came in next time and said, \"You got any grapes?\" and the clerk said, \"No, and if you come in again and ask if we have any grapes, I'll staple your feet to the floor.\" So the duck walked out and came in again and said, \"You got any staples?\" the clerk said, \"No...\" so the duck said, \"You got any grapes?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 80,
"title": "Duck and Grapes"
},
{
"body": "Your momma's so ugly, she's not bald, it's her hair running away from her face!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 81,
"title": "Bald"
},
{
"body": "ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION \r\n\r\n\r\nName:\r\n(_) Billy-Bob \r\n(_) Billy-Joe\r\n(_) Billy-Ray \r\n(_) Billy-Sue \r\n(_) Billy-Mae \r\n(_) Billy-Jack \r\n(_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box) \r\n\r\nAge: ____ \r\nSex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A \r\n\r\nShoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right \r\n\r\nOccupation: \r\n(_)Farmer \r\n(_)Mechanic \r\n(_)Hair Dresser \r\n(_)Unemployed \r\n\r\nSpouse's Name: __________________________ \r\n\r\nRelationship with spouse: \r\n(_) Sister \r\n(_) Brother \r\n(_) Aunt \r\n(_) Uncle \r\n(_) Cousin \r\n(_) Mother \r\n(_) Father \r\n(_) Son \r\n(_) Daughter \r\n(_) Pet \r\n\r\nNumber of children living in household: ___ \r\nNumber that are yours: ___ \r\n\r\nMother's Name: _______________________ \r\nFather's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) \r\n\r\nEducation: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) \r\n\r\nDo you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? \r\n(Check appropriate box) \r\n\r\n___ Total number of vehicles you own \r\n___ Number of vehicles that still crank\r\n___ Number of vehicles in front yard \r\n___ Number of vehicles in back yard\r\n___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks \r\n\r\nFirearms you own and where you keep them:\r\n____ truck \r\n____ bedroom \r\n____ bathroom \r\n____ kitchen\r\n____ shed \r\n\r\nModel and year of your pickup: ___________194_ \r\n\r\nNewspapers/magazines you subscribe to: \r\n(_)The National Enquirer \r\n(_)The Globe \r\n(_)TV Guide \r\n(_)Soap Opera Digest \r\n\r\n___ Number of times you've seen a UFO \r\n___ Number of times you've seen Elvis \r\n___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO \r\n\r\nHow often do you bathe: \r\n(_)Weekly \r\n(_)Monthly \r\n(_)Not Applicable \r\n\r\nColor of teeth: \r\n(_)Yellow \r\n(_)Brownish-Yellow\r\n(_)Brown \r\n(_)Black \r\n(_)N/A \r\n\r\nBrand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man \r\n\r\nHow far is your home from a paved road? \r\n(_)1 mile \r\n(_)2 miles \r\n(_)don't know",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 82,
"title": "Redneck State Form"
},
{
"body": "The gap between your teeth is so big, I don't know whether to smile back or kick a field goal.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 83,
"title": "Gap"
},
{
"body": "You are so stupid, you took a ruler with you to bed to see how long you slept!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 84,
"title": "Sleep"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so big, she had to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 85,
"title": "Toenails"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nAnita.\r\nAnita who?\r\nAnita really warm place to sleep tonight, it's cold out here.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 86,
"title": "Who's There?"
},
{
"body": "You're so fat, when you sit around the house, you really sit around the house.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 87,
"title": "Around the House"
},
{
"body": "1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife. \r\n2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations. \r\n3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house. \r\n4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket. \r\n5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday. \r\n6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper. \r\n7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops. \r\n8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway. \r\n9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby. \r\n10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 88,
"title": "Ways You Know You are a Redneck"
},
{
"body": "What do you call 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 89,
"title": "Thirty-two Rednecks"
},
{
"body": "One day there were two men walking down a dirt path. One of them had a big potato sack over his shoulder. The other decided to ask what was in the sack. \r\nWhen he asked, the man said, \"I got me some chickens for dinner tonight. Mmm Mmm Mmm... Chicken sure sounds good tonight.\" \r\n\r\nThe other one wanted to know how many chickens were in the sack. \r\n\r\n\"Well, I'll tell you,\" replied the man, \"If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this here sack I'll give them both to you.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 90,
"title": "Chickens"
},
{
"body": "Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president some day.)\r\nName the four seasons.\r\nSalt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.\r\n\r\nExplain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.\r\nFlirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.\r\n\r\nHow is dew formed?\r\nThe sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.\r\n\r\nWhat is a planet?\r\nA body of earth surrounded by sky.\r\n\r\nWhat causes the tides in the oceans?\r\nThe tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.\r\n\r\nIn a democratic society, how important are elections?\r\nVery important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.\r\n\r\nWhat are steroids?\r\nThings for keeping carpets still on the stairs.\r\n\r\nWhat happens to your body as you age?\r\nWhen you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.\r\n\r\nWhat happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?\r\nHe says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.\r\n\r\nName a major disease associated with cigarettes.\r\nPremature death.\r\n\r\nHow can you delay milk turning sour?\r\nKeep it in the cow.\r\n\r\nHow are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)\r\nThe body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.\r\n\r\nWhat is the Fibula?\r\nA small lie.\r\n\r\nWhat does \"varicose\" mean?\r\nNearby.\r\n\r\nWhat is the most common form of birth control?\r\nMost people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.\r\n\r\nGive the meaning of the term \"Caesarean Section.\"\r\nThe caesarean section is a district in Rome.\r\n\r\nWhat is a seizure?\r\nA Roman emperor.\r\n\r\nWhat is a terminal illness?\r\nWhen you are sick at the airport.\r\n\r\nGive an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?\r\nMushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.\r\n\r\nWhat does the word \"benign\" mean?\r\nBenign is what you will be after you be eight.\r\n\r\nWhat is a turbine?\r\nSomething an Arab wears on his head.\r\n\r\nWhat is a Hindu?\r\nIt lays eggs.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 91,
"title": "Questions"
},
{
"body": "How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck? \r\nIf it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a \"teethbrush\".",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 92,
"title": "Arkansas Toothbrush"
},
{
"body": "The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over \"Ebonics,\" has decided to designate Southern slang, or \"Hickphonics,\" as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary: \r\n\r\nHire yew - noun. Greeting - How are you - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.\r\nUsage: \"Howdy. How are you.\"\r\n\r\nBard - verb. Past tense of the infinitive \"to borrow.\"\r\nUsage: \"My brother bard my pickup truck.\"\r\n\r\nJawjuh - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Atlanta.\r\nUsage: \"My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.\"\r\n\r\nMunts - noun. A calendar division.\r\nUsage: \"My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts.\"\r\n\r\nIgnert - adjective. Not smart. See \"Arkansas native.\"\r\nUsage: \"Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!\"\r\n\r\nRanch - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.\r\nUsage: \"I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.\"\r\n\r\nAll - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. \r\nUsage: \"I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.\"\r\n\r\nFar - noun. A conflagration.\r\nUsage: \"If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.\"\r\n\r\nBahs - noun. A supervisor.\r\nUsage: \"If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!\"\r\n\r\nTar - noun. A rubber wheel.\r\nUsage: \"Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck.\"\r\n\r\nTire - noun. A tall monument.\r\nUsage: \"Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.\"\r\n\r\nRetard - Verb. To stop working.\r\nUsage: \"My grampaw retard at age 65.\"\r\n\r\nTarred - adverb. Exhausted.\r\nUsage: \"I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.\"\r\n\r\nFat - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.\r\n\r\nAr - pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.\r\n\r\nRats - noun. Entitled power or privilege.\r\nUsage: \"We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats.\"\r\n\r\nFarn - adjective. Not local.\r\nUsage: \"I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country.\"\r\n\r\nDid - adjective. Not alive.\r\nUsage: \"He's did, Jim.\"\r\n\r\nEar - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). \r\nUsage: \"He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!\"\r\n\r\nBob war - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.\r\nUsage: \"Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.\"\r\n\r\nJew - Noun and verb contraction. \r\nUsage: \"Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?\"\r\n\r\nHaze - a contraction.\r\nUsage: \"Is Bubba smart?\" \"Nah... haze ignert.\" \r\n\r\nSaw - verb, past tense.\r\n\r\nView - contraction: verb and pronoun.\r\nUsage: \"I ain't never seed New York City... view?\" \r\n\r\nHeavy dew - phrase. A request for action.\r\nUsage: \"Kin I heavy dew me a favor?\" \r\n\r\nGummit - noun. A bureaucratic institution.\r\nUsage: \"Them gummit boys shore are ignert.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 93,
"title": "Redneck Words"
},
{
"body": "Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. \r\n\"What's the matter, Mr. President?\" the Vice President inquired.\r\n\r\n\"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!\" the President beamed. \r\n\r\n\"How long did it take you?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 94,
"title": "President's Puzzle"
},
{
"body": "A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. \r\nA short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" he whispered, \"I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'\" \r\n\r\n\"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'\" \r\n\r\n\"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 96,
"title": "Tragedy"
},
{
"body": "Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. \r\nWhen she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, \"We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.\" Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked \"Where is Bill's clock?\"\r\n\r\nSt. Peter replied,\"Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 97,
"title": "Clocks"
},
{
"body": "1. Britney Spears & Eminem\r\nwho, combined, have written more books than they've read.\r\n\r\n2. Dr. Phil McGraw \r\nwho has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues. \r\n\r\n3. America's Oil Companies\r\nfor a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don't mix. \r\n\r\n4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon\r\nfor those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other. \r\n\r\n5. Bill Gates\r\nfor creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession. \r\n\r\n6. The Editors of Maxim\r\nfor managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models. \r\n\r\n7. Jared\r\nof the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one. \r\n\r\n8. Jennifer Lopez\r\nwho, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass. \r\n\r\n9. That 300 Pound Guy\r\nwho always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights. \r\n\r\n10. Glaxo\r\nwho has managed to make \"loose stools\" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 98,
"title": "Nobel Prizes"
},
{
"body": "W a t e r\r\n1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population.) \r\n2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger. \r\n\r\n3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%. \r\n\r\n4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study. \r\n\r\n5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. \r\n\r\n6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. \r\n\r\n7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page. \r\n\r\n8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. \r\n\r\nAre you drinking the amount of water you should every day? \r\n\r\nC o k e\r\n1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. \r\n\r\n2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days. \r\n\r\n3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the \"real thing\" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China. \r\n\r\n4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. \r\n\r\n5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. \r\n\r\n6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. \r\n\r\n7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. \r\n\r\n8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. Check it out. \r\n\r\nFor Your Info :\r\n1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis. \r\n\r\n2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials. \r\n\r\n3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! \r\n\r\nNow the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 99,
"title": "Water or Coke"
},
{
"body": "1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order. \r\n2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for. \r\n3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands. \r\n4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight. \r\n5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels. \r\n6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in. \r\n7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on. \r\n8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup. \r\n9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box. \r\n10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on. \r\n11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, \"May I take your order?\" \r\n12. When asked if they can take your order say, \"Why, can I take yours?\" \r\n13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you. \r\n14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away. \r\n15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom. \r\n16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it. \r\n17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene. \r\n18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it. \r\n19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare. \r\n20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 100,
"title": "20 Things To Do In The Drive Through"
},
{
"body": "1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.\r\n\r\n2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. \r\n\r\n3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. \r\n\r\n4. Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in. \r\n\r\n5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.\r\n\r\n6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms. \r\n\r\n7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible \"Sex and Candy.\" \r\n\r\n8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, \"I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares.\" and see what happens. \r\n\r\n9. Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10. \r\n\r\n10. Play with the automatic doors. \r\n\r\n11. Walk up to complete strangers and say, \"Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!...\" etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. \r\n\r\n12. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, \"Who BUYS this shit, anyway?\"\r\n\r\n13. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department. \r\n\r\n14. Put pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually. \r\n\r\n15. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins. \r\n\r\n16. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. \r\n\r\n17. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, \"Wow, Magic!\" \r\n\r\n18. Put M&M's on layaway. \r\n\r\n19. Move \"Caution: Wet Floor\" signs to carpeted areas. \r\n\r\n20. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. \r\n\r\n21. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. \r\n\r\n22. Nonchalantly \"test.\" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. \r\n\r\n23. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, \"I'm Batman! Come, Robin -- to the Batcave!\" \r\n\r\n24. TP as much of the store as possible. \r\n\r\n25. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. \r\n\r\n26. Play with the calculators so that they all spell \"hello\" upside down. (0.1134) \r\n\r\n27. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, \"Why won't you people just leave me alone?\" \r\n\r\n28. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, \"Red Rover!\" \r\n\r\n29. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. \r\n\r\n30. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. \r\n\r\n31. Take bets on the battle described above. \r\n\r\n32. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect...) \r\n\r\n33. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. \r\n\r\n34. While no one's watching, quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms. \r\n\r\n35. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from \"Mission: Impossible.\" \r\n\r\n36. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. \r\n\r\n37. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. \r\n\r\n38. Fill an entire cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them. \r\n\r\n39. Set up a \"Valet Parking\" sign in front of the store. \r\n\r\n40 Two words: \"Marco Polo.\" \r\n\r\n41. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. \r\n\r\n42. \"Re-alphabetize\" the CDs in Electronics. \r\n\r\n43. In the auto department, practice your \"Madonna\" look with various funnels. \r\n\r\n44. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like \"the fat man walks alone...\" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them. \r\n\r\n45. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. E.g. The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying \"How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won.\" Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions. \r\n\r\n46. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, \"No, no! It's those voices again!\"\r\n\r\n47. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out. \r\n\r\n48. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. \r\n\r\n49. Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying \"Good girl, good Bessie.\"\r\n\r\n50. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles. \r\n\r\n51. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. \r\n\r\n52. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. \r\n\r\n53. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. \r\n\r\n54. Test the fishing rods and see what you can \"catch\" from the other aisles. \r\n\r\n55. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditisily as possible: \"Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).\" When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. \"Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).\" \r\n\r\n56. Hold indoor shopping cart races. \r\n\r\n57. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. \r\n\r\n58. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOWLY, especially through narrow aisles. \r\n\r\n59. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. \r\n\r\n60. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. \r\n\r\n61. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. \r\n\r\n62. Say things like, \"Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?\" \r\n\r\n63. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., \"Do you have any Shnerples here?\"\r\n\r\n64. Ride a display bicycle through the store -- claim you're taking it for a \"test drive.\"\r\n\r\n65. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 101,
"title": "65 Fun Things to Do at Walmart"
},
{
"body": "1. Only in America . . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.\r\n\r\n2. Only in America . . . are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.\r\n\r\n3. Only in America . . . do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.\r\n\r\n4. Only in America . . . do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.\r\n\r\n5. Only in America . . . do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.\r\n\r\n6. Only in America . . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.\r\n\r\n7. Only in America . . . do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.\r\n\r\n8. Only in America . . . do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.\r\n\r\n9. Only in America . . . do we use the word \"politics\" to describe the process so well: \"poli\" in Latin meaning \"many\" and \"tics\" meaning \"bloodsucking creatures.\"\r\n\r\n10. Only in America . . . do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 102,
"title": "Only in America"
},
{
"body": "A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with: \r\n\r\nBetter to be safe than... punch a 5th grader. \r\nStrike while the... bug is close. \r\nIt's always darkest before... daylight savings time. \r\nNever underestimate the power of... termites. \r\nYou can lead a horse to water but... how? \r\nDon't bite the hand that... looks dirty. \r\nNo news is... impossible. \r\nA miss is as good as a... Mr. \r\nYou can't teach an old dog... math. \r\nIf you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning. \r\nLove all, trust... me. \r\nThe pen is mightier than... the pigs. \r\nAn idle mind is... the best way to relax. \r\nWhere there is smoke, there's... pollution. \r\nHappy is the bride who... gets all the presents. \r\nA penny saved is... not much. \r\nTwo is company, three's... The Musketeers. \r\nNone are so blind as... Helen Keller. \r\nChildren should be seen and not... spanked or grounded. \r\nIf at first you don't succeed... get new batteries. \r\nYou get out of something what you... see pictured on the box. \r\nWhen the blind lead the blind... get out of the way. \r\nThere is no fool like... Aunt Edie. \r\nLaugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 103,
"title": "Proverbs"
},
{
"body": "Alabama:\r\nAt Least We're not Mississippi\r\n\r\nAlaska:\r\n11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!\r\n\r\nArizona:\r\nBut It's a Dry Heat\r\n\r\nArkansas:\r\nLitterasy Ain't Everthing\r\n\r\nCalifornia:\r\nAs Seen on TV\r\n\r\nColorado:\r\nIf You Don't Ski, Don't Bother\r\n\r\nConnecticut:\r\nLike Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character\r\n\r\nDelaware:\r\nWe Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water\r\n\r\nFlorida:\r\nAsk Us About Our Grandkids\r\n\r\nGeorgia:\r\nWithout Atlanta we're Alabama\r\n\r\nHawaii:\r\nHaka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru\r\n(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)\r\n\r\nIdaho:\r\nMore Than Just Potatoes...\r\nWell Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good\r\n\r\nIllinois:\r\nPlease Don't Pronounce the \"S\"\r\n\r\nIndiana:\r\n2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free\r\n\r\nIowa:\r\nWe Do Amazing Things With Corn\r\n\r\nKansas:\r\nFirst Of The Rectangle States\r\n\r\nKentucky:\r\nFive Million People; Seven Last Names\r\n\r\nLouisiana:\r\nWe're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,\r\nBut That's Our Tourism Campaign\r\n\r\nMaine:\r\nWe're Really Cold,\r\nBut We Have Cheap Lobster\r\n\r\nMaryland:\r\nA Thinking Man's Delaware\r\n\r\nMassachusetts:\r\nOur Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's\r\n\r\nMichigan:\r\nFirst Line of Defense From the Canadians\r\n\r\nMinnesota:\r\n10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes\r\n\r\nMississippi:\r\nCome Feel Better About Your Own State\r\n\r\nMissouri:\r\nYour Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work\r\n\r\nMontana:\r\nLand of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else\r\n\r\nNebraska:\r\nAsk About Our State Motto Contest\r\n\r\nNevada:\r\nWhores and Poker!\r\n\r\nNew Hampshire:\r\nGo Away and Leave Us Alone\r\n\r\nNew Jersey:\r\nYou Want a ##$%##! Motto?\r\nI Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!\r\n\r\nNew Mexico:\r\nLizards Make Excellent Pets\r\n\r\nNew York:\r\nYou Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...\r\n\r\nNorth Carolina:\r\nTobacco is a Vegetable\r\n\r\nNorth Dakota:\r\nWe Really are One of the 50 States!\r\n\r\nOhio:\r\nWe Wish We Were In Michigan\r\n\r\nOklahoma:\r\nLike the Play, only No Singing\r\n\r\nOregon:\r\nSpotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner\r\n\r\nPennsylvania:\r\nCook With Coal\r\n\r\nRhode Island:\r\nWe're Not REALLY An Island\r\n\r\nSouth Carolina:\r\nWe Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North\r\n\r\nSouth Dakota:\r\nCloser Than North Dakota\r\n\r\nTennessee:\r\nThe Educashun State\r\n\r\nTexas:\r\nA Whole 'Nother Country!\r\n\r\nUtah:\r\nOur Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus\r\n\r\nVermont:\r\nYep\r\n\r\nVirginia:\r\nWho Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?\r\n\r\nWashington:\r\nHelp! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!\r\n\r\nWashington, D.C.:\r\nWanna Be Mayor?\r\n\r\nWest Virginia:\r\nOne Big Happy Family -- Really!\r\n\r\nWisconsin:\r\nCome Cut Our Cheese\r\n\r\nWyoming:\r\nWynot?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 104,
"title": "State Slogans"
},
{
"body": "Q: What is your date of birth? \r\nA: July fifteenth. \r\nQ: What year? \r\nA: Every year. \r\n\r\nQ: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all? \r\nA: Yes. \r\nQ: And in what ways does it affect your memory? \r\nA: I forget. \r\nQ: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? \r\n\r\nQ: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to? \r\nA: Oral. \r\n\r\nQ: How old is your son - the one living with you. \r\nA: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. \r\nQ: How long has he lived with you? \r\nA: Forty-five years. \r\n\r\nQ: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? \r\nA: He said, \"Where am I, Cathy?\" \r\nQ: And why did that upset you? \r\nA: My name is Susan. \r\n\r\nQ: Sir, what is your IQ? \r\nA: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. \r\n\r\nQ: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? \r\nA: We both do. \r\nQ: Voodoo? \r\nA: We do. \r\nQ: You do? \r\nA: Yes, voodoo. \r\n\r\nQ: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? \r\n\r\nQ: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?\r\n\r\nQ: Were you present when your picture was taken? \r\nQ: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? \r\n\r\nQ: Did he kill you? \r\n\r\nQ: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? \r\n\r\nQ: You were there until the time you left, is that true? \r\n\r\nQ: How many times have you committed suicide? \r\n\r\nQ: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? \r\nA: Yes. \r\nQ: And what were you doing at that time? \r\n\r\nQ: She had three children, right? \r\nA: Yes. \r\nQ: How many were boys? \r\nA: None. \r\nQ: Were there any girls? \r\n\r\nQ: You say the stairs went down to the basement? \r\nA: Yes. \r\nQ: And these stairs, did they go up also? \r\n\r\nQ: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? \r\nA: I went to Europe, sir. \r\nQ: And you took your new wife? \r\n\r\nQ: How was your first marriage terminated? \r\nA: By death. \r\nQ: And by whose death was it terminated? \r\n\r\nQ: Can you describe the individual? \r\nA: He was about medium height and had a beard. \r\nQ: Was this a male, or a female? \r\n\r\nQ: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? \r\nA: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. \r\n\r\nQ: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? \r\nA: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. \r\nQ: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? \r\nA: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. \r\nQ: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? \r\nA: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 105,
"title": "Things Said In Court"
},
{
"body": "(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down....)\r\n\r\nDarth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father. \r\nLuke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him! \r\nDarth Vader: No, Luke... I am your father! \r\nLuke: No! It's not true! It's impossible. \r\nDarth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true. \r\nLuke: NO! \r\nDarth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours? \r\nLuke: Threepio? \r\nDarth Vader: Yes, C-3PO. I built him -- when I was only seven years old. \r\nLuke: No! \r\nDarth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself: No lightsaber, no hand, no job and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp. \r\nLuke: I destroyed the Death Star! \r\nDarth Vader: When you were 20! When I was ten, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship! \r\nLuke: Well, it's not my fault... \r\nDarth Vader: Oh, here we go... “Poor me! My father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!” \r\nLuke: Shut up. \r\nDarth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights! \r\nLuke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon! \r\nDarth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor...! Listen, ten years old and winner of the Boonta Eve Open, the only human to ever fly a Pod Racer -- right here, baby! \r\n(Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.) \r\nDarth Vader: I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine. (Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.) \r\nDarth Vader: Get a haircut!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 106,
"title": "Real Skywalker Scene"
},
{
"body": "At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, \"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?\" \r\nThe little boy nodded in the affirmative. \r\n\r\n\"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?\" \r\n\r\nThe little boy nodded yes. \r\n\r\n\"So,\" the coach continued, \"when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?\" \r\n\r\nAgain the little boy nodded. \r\n\r\n\"Good,\" said the coach, \"now go over there and explain it to your mother.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 107,
"title": "Good Sport"
},
{
"body": "In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression. \r\nThe instructor asked, \"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?\" \r\n\r\nA young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, \"A basketball coach?\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 108,
"title": "Psyched Up"
},
{
"body": "G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, \"Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you.\" \r\nShe conference calls Tony Blair in and asks, \"Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?\" \r\n\r\nTony Blair replies, \"It's me!\" and hangs up. \r\n\r\nG.W. Bush then calls Dick Cheney and says, \"Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?\" \r\n\r\nAnd Cheney says, \"Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you.\" \r\n\r\nSo Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, \"Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?\" \r\n\r\nAnd Colin Powell says, \"It's me!\" \r\n\r\nSo Cheney calls Bush and says, \"It's Colin Powell.\" \r\n\r\nAnd Bush says, \"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 109,
"title": "Bush's Advisors"
},
{
"body": "OBJECTIVE\r\nTo sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior. \r\nEDUCATION\r\nSchool: Very Expensive \r\nMajor: Not Important \r\nGPA: Don't Ask \r\n\r\nEMPLOYMENT\r\nNETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages. \r\nDEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.\r\nRESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling. \r\n\r\nCOMPUTER SKILLS\r\n*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS\r\n*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother's wedding *High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine \r\n\r\nFor further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 110,
"title": "Resume"
},
{
"body": "\"Did ya hear I got married?\" \r\n\"Oh, that's good.\" \r\n\"No, that's bad! She's ugly!\" \r\n\"Oh, that's bad.\" \r\n\"No, that's good! She's rich.\" \r\n\"Oh, that's good!\" \r\n\"No, that's bad! She won't give me a cent.\" \r\n\"Oh, that's bad.\" \r\n\"No, that's good! She bought me servants and a big house\" \r\n\"Oh, that's good.\" \r\n\"No, that's bad! The house burnt down.\" \r\n\"Oh, that's bad.\" \r\n\"No, that's good! She was in it.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 111,
"title": "That's Good"
},
{
"body": "A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... \r\nOfficer: What's 2+2? \r\n\r\nBlonde: Ummmmm... 4! \r\n\r\nOfficer: What's the square root of 100? \r\n\r\nBlonde: Ummmm... 10! \r\n\r\nOfficer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? \r\n\r\nBlonde: Ummmm... I dunno. \r\n\r\nOfficer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. \r\n\r\nThe blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, \"Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 112,
"title": "Murder Case"
},
{
"body": "I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! \r\nFor starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating, musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. \r\n\r\nAnother problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped onto the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. \r\n\r\nEven if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. \r\n\r\nOther reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: \r\n\r\n* Men can't pack a bag.\r\n* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.\r\n* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.\r\n* Men don't answer their mail.\r\n* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a \"bowlful of jelly.\"\r\n* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.\r\n* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.\r\n* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. \r\n\r\nI can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone-screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. However, as long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of \"The Christmas Song,\" it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 113,
"title": "Santa A Guy?"
},
{
"body": "Tech Support \r\n\r\nJust in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:\r\n\r\n 1. Compaq is considering changing the command \"Press Any Key\" to \"Press Return Key\" because of the flood of calls asking where the \"Any\" key is.\r\n\r\n 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.\r\n\r\n 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.\r\n\r\n 4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.\r\n\r\n 5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.\r\n\r\n 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the \"send\" key.\r\n\r\n 7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.\r\n\r\n 8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was \"bad and an invalid\". The tech explained that the computer's \"bad command\" and \"invalid\" responses shouldn't be taken personally.\r\n\r\n 9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it \"couldn't find printer\". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't \"see\" the printer.\r\n\r\n 10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, \"I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.\" The \"foot pedal\" turned out to be the computer's mouse.\r\n\r\n 11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked \"What power switch?\"\r\n\r\n 12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:\r\n\r\nCaller: \"Hello, is this Tech Support?\"\r\nTech: \"Yes, it is. How may I help you?\"\r\nCaller: \"The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?\"\r\nTech: \"I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?\"\r\nCaller: \"Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.\"\r\nTech: \"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?\"\r\nCaller: \"It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.\" At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!\r\n\r\n 13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. \"I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in...\" The user hadn't realized that \"Insert Disk 2\" meant to remove Disk 1 first.\r\n\r\n 14. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.\r\n\r\n As Ripley would say, believe it or not!",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 114,
"title": "Oh, My, God"
},
{
"body": "I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, \"Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?\" \r\nI worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on. \r\n\"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?\" \r\n\"A little. What's wrong?\" \r\n\"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.\" \r\n\"How did you load the sheet?\" \r\n\"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it.\" \r\n\r\nI recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. \"Do you need some help?\" I asked. \r\n\"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote control door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that store would have a battery for this?\" \r\n\"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?\" I asked. \r\n\"No, just this remote,\" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. \r\nAs I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said, \"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries? It's a long walk.\" \r\n\r\nTech Support: What does the screen say now?\r\nCaller: It says 'Hit ENTER when ready.'\r\nTech Support: Well?\r\nCaller: How do I know when it's ready? \r\n\r\nA man moved to New Mexico and called his credit company to change his address. When he told the girl where he was moving, she told him that she couldn't help him since they didn't issue cards outside of the United States! \r\n\r\nMy friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, \"Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?\" \r\n\r\nSeveral years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day, he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, \"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?\" \r\n\"Just use copier machine paper,\" she told him. \r\nWith that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. \r\n\r\nOne of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named \"i386.\" \r\nHe started to type it and paused, asking me, \"Where's the key for that line thing?\" \r\nI asked what he was talking about, and he said, \"You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark.\" \r\nI replied, \"You mean the letter 'i'?\" \r\nAnd he said, \"Yeah, that's it!\" \r\n\r\nI was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like it had been an extra in \"Twister.\" I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and then went in back to make a sandwich.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 115,
"title": "Stories From the Crypt"
},
{
"body": "Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, \"I'm Stupid.\" That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, \"Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign.\"\r\n\r\n It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says \"Hey, you moving?\" \"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.\"\r\n\r\n A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, \"Hey, y'all catch all them fish?\" \"Nope; talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.\"\r\n\r\n I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit; and there's only one way to test it. \"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.\" \"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it.\"\r\n\r\n Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, \"Tire go flat?\" I couldn't resist. Said, \"Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.\"\r\n\r\n We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, \"Darn that's hot!\" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.\r\n\r\n I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ok, no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign until he asked \"So..is your truck stuck?\" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said \"No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 116,
"title": "Stupid Signs"
},
{
"body": "WINDERS 98 \r\n\r\nMICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:\r\nIt has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding the commands.\r\nThe Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.\r\n\r\n\r\n It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.\r\n\r\nAlso note:\r\n\r\nRecycle Bin is labeled Outhouse\r\nMy Computer is called This Infernal Contraption\r\nDialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys\r\nControl Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard\r\nHard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive\r\nFloppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.\r\n\r\nOther features:\r\n\r\n Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.\r\n\r\nOK = ats aww-right\r\ncancel = hail no\r\nreset = awa shoot\r\nyes = shore\r\nno = Naaaa\r\nfind = hunt-fer it\r\ngo to = over yonder\r\nback = back yonder\r\nhelp = hep me out here\r\nstop = ternit off\r\nstart = crank it up\r\nsettings = sittins\r\nprograms = stuff that does stuff\r\ndocuments = stuff I done done\r\n\r\n Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.\r\n\r\n Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:\r\n\r\ntiperiter................A word processor\r\ncolering book............a graphics program\r\naddin mershene...........calculator\r\nscratch paper ...........notepad\r\njupe-box ................CD Player\r\ninner-net................Microsoft Explorer\r\npichers..................A graphics viewer\r\nIRS......................M/S accounting software\r\nIRS2.....................M/S accounting software with hidden files\r\ncoon dog.................American kennel club records\r\nfishin...................Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.\r\nNRA......................National Rifle Association\r\nshot gun ................Remington Arms price list\r\nriffel...................Winchester price list\r\npisstel..................Smith & Wesson price list\r\ntruck....................Ford & Chevrolet dealers in GA. by zip code\r\nhouse....................Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code\r\ncar .....................same as truck, just need two lists in Texas\r\ncuzzins..................family history usually a 3 meg file\r\ntax records..............usually an empty file\r\nshells...................ammunition inventory, another 3 meg file\r\nbud......................list of Budwiser dealers by zip code\r\nracin....................NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race car n' truck\r\nParts.......nearest Junk yard by zip code\r\ndoc .....................veterinarians by zip code\r\n\r\n We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 117,
"title": "Georgia Microsoft"
},
{
"body": "A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, \"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.\" He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, \"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.\" \r\nThe programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, \"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want.\" Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. \r\nFinally, the frog asked, \"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?\" The programmer said, \"Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 118,
"title": "Programmer and a Princess"
},
{
"body": "This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned, so he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease; however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently. \r\nSeveral months later the guy's eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding - more so now that his hair is gone, so this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles. The guy has the surgery only to find his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding. \r\n\r\nDetermined to find out what is wrong with him, he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated. \r\n\r\nOn a follow-up visit to this doctor the doctor informs him that while they were doing the surgery on his hands, they made a deadly mistake and that he only has months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up, so he goes out to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe. However, when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a 17-inch neck. \r\n\r\n\"No, I've always taken a 15-inch neck.\" \r\n\r\n\"But sir, you have a 17-inch neck.\" \r\n\r\n\"Listen - I'm 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I've taken a 15-inch neck.\" \r\n\r\n\"Okay, I'll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?\" \r\n\r\n\"What?\" \r\n\r\n\"It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 119,
"title": "I'm gonna kill that doctor."
},
{
"body": "A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, ''If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'' With even greater emphasis he said, ''And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'' And then finally, he said, ''And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'' Sermon complete, he then sat down. \r\nThe song leader stood very cautiously and announced, \"And today we will let someone in the crowd pick our closing song.\" A Alabama man raised his hand and said, \"Fer are closin song, we gonna sing dat one Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'''",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 120,
"title": "Redneck Religion"
},
{
"body": "This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for \"Termination without Cause.\"\r\n\r\nActual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:\r\n\r\n\"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.\"\r\n\r\n\"What sort of trouble?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.\"\r\n\r\n\"Went away?\"\r\n\r\n\"They disappeared.\"\r\n\r\n\"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?\"\r\n\r\n\"Nothing.\"\r\n\r\n\"Nothing?\"\r\n\r\n\"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.\"\r\n\r\n\"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?\"\r\n\r\n\"How do I tell?\"\r\n\r\n\"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?\"\r\n\r\n\"What's a sea-prompt?\"\r\n\r\n\"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?\"\r\n\r\n\"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type.\"\r\n\r\n\"Does your monitor have a power indicator?\"\r\n\r\n\"What's a monitor?\"\r\n\r\n\"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't know.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I think so.\"\r\n\r\n\"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.\"\r\n\r\n\".......Yes, it is.\"\r\n\r\n\"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?\"\r\n\r\n\"No.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.\"\r\n\r\n\".......Okay, here it is.\"\r\n\r\n\"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.\"\r\n\r\n\"I can't reach.\"\r\n\r\n\"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?\"\r\n\r\n\"No.\"\r\n\r\n\"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.\"\r\n\r\n\"Dark?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, turn on the office light then.\"\r\n\r\n\"I can't.\"\r\n\r\n\"No? Why not?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because there's a power outage.\"\r\n\r\n\"A power... A power outage? Ah, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.\"\r\n\r\n\"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.\"\r\n\r\n\"Really? Is it that bad?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I'm afraid it is.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?\"\r\n\r\n\"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 121,
"title": "WordPerfect Assistant"
},
{
"body": "TWO POINT GAGS\r\n\r\nRun one lap around the office at top speed\r\nGroan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player' must be in the bathroom at the time)\r\nIgnore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you\r\nPhone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say \"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye\"\r\nTo signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.\r\nWhen someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,\"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!\"\r\nLeave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, \"Sorry, I really prefer it this way\"\r\nWalk sideways to the photocopier.\r\nWhile riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.\r\n\r\n THREE-POINT GAGS\r\n\r\nSay to your boss, \"I like your style\" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers\r\nBabble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask \"Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it\"\r\nPage yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)\r\nKneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).\r\nShout random numbers while someone is counting.\r\n\r\n FIVE POINT GAGS\r\n\r\nAt the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).\r\nWalk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.\r\nFor an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.\r\nAnnounce to everyone in a meeting that you \"really have to go do number two\".\r\nAfter every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent.\r\nAs in, \"the report's on your desk, mon\". Keep this up for one hour.\r\nWhile an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.\r\nIn a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, \"Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!\"\r\nAt lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce \"As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again\".\r\nIn a colleagues diary, write in 10am: \"See how I look in tights\".\r\nCarry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask \"You wanna trade?\"\r\nRepeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: \"Do you hear that?\" \"What?\" \"Never mind, it's gone now\"\r\nCome to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, \"I can't talk about it\"\r\nPosing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go.\r\nSpeak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.\r\nFind the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.\r\nHang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.\r\nRollerblade around the floor throwing sweets",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 122,
"title": "Office Gags"
},
{
"body": "Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about 50 years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as \"Bonkistry\". He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. \r\nAnyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there. \r\n\r\nThey did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. \r\n\r\nBonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. \r\n\r\nThey looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. \"Cool,\" they thought, \"this is going to be easy.\" They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page... \r\n\r\nWHICH TIRE? (95 points)",
"category": "College",
"id": 123,
"title": "Whoops!"
},
{
"body": "One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. \r\nAfter the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. \r\n\r\nA very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. \r\n\r\nHer eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, \"I'll take him and him and him.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 124,
"title": "Charity"
},
{
"body": "Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when all of a sudden, the skies opened up and rained torrents on everybody. They ran for their car, jumped in, and gunned it. They were going pretty fast when an old man's face appeared in the passenger window, knocking on it! The passenger screamed, but decided to roll down his window halfway.\r\n\r\n''What do you want?'' he asked.\r\n\r\n''Do you have any tobacco?'' asked the old man. The passenger handed the old man a cigarette, and he went away.\r\n\r\n''Go faster!'' said the passenger. ''I don't want to see him again!'' So the driver pushed the spedometer to 80 mph. But soon, the old man appears at the window again! Scared, the passenger rolls down his window again.\r\n\r\n''Do you have a light?'' said the old man's face. Trembling, the passenger handed him a pack of matches. And the old man went away.\r\n\r\n''Drive faster!'' said the passenger. So they pushed it to 100 mph. But ten minutes later, the face returns. ''What do you want from us?'' screamed the passenger.\r\n\r\nThe old man gently replied ''You weirdos want some help getting out of the mud?''",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 125,
"title": "Stupid"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, \"He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.\" So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans. \r\nA year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. \r\n\r\nUpon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, \"Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.\" He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back, then he went to answer the phone. \r\n\r\nThe baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming from a pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 126,
"title": "Gas"
},
{
"body": "One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, \"Why are you eating grass\". \r\n\r\nThe man replied, \"I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat.\" \r\n\r\nSo the laywer said, \"Poor guy, come back to my house.\" \r\n\r\nThe guys then said, \"But I have a wife and three kids.\" The layers told him to bring them along. \r\n\r\nWhen they were all in the car, the poor man said, \"Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you.\" \r\n\r\nThe laywer said, \"You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 127,
"title": "Idiot Lawyer"
},
{
"body": "An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. \r\nOne day God called to Satan to mock him, \"So, how's it going down there in Hell?\" \r\n\r\nSatan replied, \"Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\" \r\n\r\nGod was surprised, \"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gone down there in the first place. Send him back up here.\" \r\n\r\n\"No way,\" replied Satan. \"I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him.\" \r\n\r\nGod threatened, \"Send him back up here now or I'll sue!\" \r\n\r\nSatan laughed and answered, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 128,
"title": "Improvements"
},
{
"body": "Sherlock Holmes and his companion Watson are chasing down a criminal and have come to a time in the chase in which it is too late to head back home and too late to keep traveling after him. Considering that they were in the middle of the woods, Holmes, being as smart as he was, figured that this would happen. He had brought along most of the materials that they would need to go camping.\r\n\r\nThey set up camp, putting up their tent, making a fire to cook and for the warmth. Soon, they thought it best to go to sleep. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes up, and immediately wakes up Watson.\r\n\r\nAfter Watson awoke he simply said, \"Watson my friend, look up and tell me, what do you see?\"\r\n\r\nAfter looking up, Watson replies, \"Stars, so many stars out there and so far apart that they truly show us how small and miniscule our planet is to the entire universe. Thus showing, that our planet is miniscule, that we are basically nothing. Truly the trifle things that we go through every day do mean nothing in its effect to the entire universe.\"\r\n\r\nHolmes starts shaking his head and says, \"Watson, you bumbling fool, someone has stolen our tent!!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 129,
"title": "Holmes"
},
{
"body": "In the words of Albert Einstien \"There are two things infinite; the universe and human stupidity,\" if this doesn't prove one of them, I am not sure what will. (Oh, and let me tell you, this doesn't prove anything about the universe)\r\n\r\n1. On a blanket from Taiwan - \r\nNOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. \r\n\r\n2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - \r\nREMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. \r\n\r\n3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - \r\nUSE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. \r\n\r\n4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - \r\nAFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. \r\n\r\n5. On a New Zealand insect spray - \r\nTHIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. \r\n\r\n6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - \r\nTO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE \r\nBEFORE OPENING. \r\n(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) \r\n\r\n7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - \r\nLIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR\r\nAPPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. \r\n\r\n8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - \r\nOPEN OTHER END. \r\n\r\n9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - \r\nWHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? \r\n\r\n10. On a Sears hairdryer - \r\nDO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. \r\n\r\n11. On a bag of Fritos - \r\nYOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. \r\n(The shoplifter special!) \r\n\r\n12. On a bar of Dial soap - \r\nDIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. \r\n(And that would be how?) \r\n\r\n13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -\r\nDO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. \r\n(Too late! You lose!) \r\n\r\n14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - \r\nPRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. \r\n(Are you sure? Let's experiment.) \r\n\r\n15. On a Korean kitchen knife - \r\nWARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. \r\n(Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?) \r\n\r\n16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - \r\nFOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. \r\n(As opposed to use in outer space?) \r\n\r\n17. On a Japanese food processor - \r\nNOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. \r\n(Now I'm curious.) \r\n\r\n18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - \r\nWARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. \r\n(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?) \r\n\r\n19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts \r\nINSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. \r\n(I'm glad they cleared that up.) \r\n\r\n20. On a Swedish chainsaw - \r\nDO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. \r\n(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?) \r\n\r\n21. On a child's superman costume -WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. \r\n(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!) \r\n\r\n22. On some frozen dinners: \r\nSERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. \r\n\r\n23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: \r\nFITS ONE HEAD. \r\n\r\n24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: \r\nDO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. \r\n\r\n25. On Boot's \"Children's\" cough medicine: \r\nDO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY. \r\n\r\n26. On Nightly sleep aid: \r\nWARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. \r\n(Duh!)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 130,
"title": "19 Directions"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\ninterrupting cow\r\ninterrupting co---\r\nMOO",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 131,
"title": "Interrupting Cow"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so ugly she went into a haunted house and came out with a job application.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 132,
"title": "So Ugly"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so stupid she got hit by a parked car.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 133,
"title": "So Stupid"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said \"Sorry, no professionals...\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 134,
"title": "Ugly Contest"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, \"What a treasure!\" and her dad said, \"Yeah! Let's go bury it!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 135,
"title": "Treasure"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled \"rape\", they yelled \"NO!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 136,
"title": "Break and Enter"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, and the zookeeper said \"I didn't know an animal had escaped.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 137,
"title": "Zoo Trip"
},
{
"body": "Your momma is so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 138,
"title": "Halloween"
},
{
"body": "A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the mechanic.\r\nThe mechanic, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have some fun. \r\nSo he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. \r\nAfter 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing. \r\n\"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working.\" \r\n\"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 139,
"title": "Blonde Mechanics"
},
{
"body": "On a nightly stroll a blonde came across an office building. A sign said, \"Press bell for Watchman.\" She presses it and hears an old man coming down the stairs. He turns on the light, unlocks the gate, and shuts off the security system. When he asked what the blonde wanted, she replied, \"Why can't you press that button for yourself?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 140,
"title": "Watchmen"
},
{
"body": "Blonde inventions:\r\n\r\nWaterproof towel\r\nUnbreakable egg\r\nSubmarine screen door\r\nSolar powered flash light\r\nHelicopter ejection seat\r\nInflatable dart board\r\nPedal powered wheel chairs",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 141,
"title": "Inventions"
},
{
"body": "What do you call the skeleton of a blonde you find in a closet?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n1950's Hide-n-seek champion.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 142,
"title": "Closet"
},
{
"body": "2 blondes are walking in the park and the 1st blonde says, \"LOOK! Dead bird!\"\r\nThe 2nd blonde looks up into the sky and yells \"Where?!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 143,
"title": "Birdy"
},
{
"body": "What's a blonde doing if her hands are covered tightly over her ears and her mouth is completely shut?\r\n\r\n\r\nShe's trying to hold onto a thought.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 144,
"title": "Blondes Head"
},
{
"body": "Why should you never ask a blonde to make ice cubes for you?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nShe'll never remember the recipe.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 145,
"title": "Ice Cubes"
},
{
"body": "One day a blonde was in a store, and saw a sign advertising a huge TV sale. She goes up to the salesman, and points to a shelf and says, \"I want to buy that TV.\"\r\n\r\nThe man says \"No.\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde, assuming its because he hates blondes, goes home and dyes her hair brown. She goes back to the store and asks again, only to again be told again, \"No.\"\r\n\r\nShe goes home dies her hair black, and returns yet again. She asks for the TV, and is told \"No, go home you blonde!\"\r\n\r\nSo she finally snaps and cries, \"I've died my hair twice!How the hell do you know I'm blonde?\"\r\n\r\nThe salesman replies, \"That's a microwave.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 146,
"title": "Television Sale"
},
{
"body": "How do you get a blonde to marry you?\r\n\r\nTell her she's pregnant.\r\n\r\nWhat will be her response?\r\n\r\n\"Is it mine?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 148,
"title": "Marriage"
},
{
"body": "Why did the first blonde president move out of the oval office?\r\n\r\nShe couldn't find a corner to put her stuff in.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 149,
"title": "President"
},
{
"body": "Your momma is so ugly when she walks through the woods during hunting season she wears a sign saying \"DONT SHOOT! FROM THE FRONT I LOOK ALMOST HUMAN!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 150,
"title": "Hunting"
},
{
"body": "Why did the blonde steal a parked police car?\r\n\r\n\r\nShe saw \"911\" and thought it was a Porsche. (Porsche 911)",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 151,
"title": "Grand Theft Auto"
},
{
"body": "A blonde went into a local salon for a haircut. She was wearing a pair of headphones and she refused to take them off. The hairdresser tried to slip them off to cut her hair but the blonde just screamed \"NO, DONT DO IT!\"\r\nIn a few minutes the blonde fell asleep from all the thinking she had to do to pick out a hairstyle. The hairdresser takes off the headphones and in a few minutes the blonde dies. \r\nThe hairdresser, shocked, then hears the headphones. It was repeating the words \"Inhale... exhale.... inhale..... exhale....\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 152,
"title": "Haircut"
},
{
"body": "How do you tell a blondes been using your computer?\r\n\r\nThere's whiteout on the screen",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 153,
"title": "Computer"
},
{
"body": "A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. \r\nThe pharmacist promptly reaches down, pulls out a knife, and lunges at the man.\r\nThe man backs away and yells \"WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?\"\r\n\"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?\" replies the pharmacist.\r\nThe man says, \"No I don't, you jerk; but my wife out in the car still does!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 154,
"title": "Hiccups"
},
{
"body": "Adam was in the Garden of Eden and was very very lonely. So God decides to build him a friend and lover. He decides to call it a \"Woman\". So he sets out to work but realizes he'll need to borrow a few parts from Adam, so he goes to Adam and explains the situation. God says \"I'll build the perfect companion, she'll cook, clean, take care of your every wish and need and will never nag or complain or be angry at you for no reason. It'll only cost you an arm and a leg.\"\r\nAdam says \"But I need my arm and leg... what can I get for just a rib?\"\r\n\r\nAnd the rest is history...",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 155,
"title": "Adam and Eve"
},
{
"body": "You're so ugly when you go outside your arrested for indecent exposure.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 156,
"title": "Indecent"
},
{
"body": "Your momma is so poor I saw her kicking a cardboard box down the street and when I asked her what she was doing she said \"Moving!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 157,
"title": "Poor"
},
{
"body": "How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nFish!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 158,
"title": "Light Bulb"
},
{
"body": "How many little brothers does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nThree- one to hold onto the bulb and two to turn the ladder.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 159,
"title": "Little Brothers"
},
{
"body": "How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nTwo- One to screw in the idea, and one to give it a suprising twist at the end.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 161,
"title": "Mystery Writers"
},
{
"body": "How many boy scouts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nThree- Each to do one good turn daily.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 162,
"title": "Boy Scouts"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama's so fat, she didn't have a birth certificate, she had a blueprint!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 163,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so fat, she sells shade, and that gives her enough to feed a family!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 164,
"title": "Shade"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so poor, I blew my nose, and she said, \"Lord thank us, we have food!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 165,
"title": "So Poor"
},
{
"body": "One Halloween, a boy dressed up as a cowboy. He went to a house, and an elderly lady opened the door. She said, \"What might you be?\" and the kid in front of the boy said, \"I'm an Indian! All day, I hunt buffalo and make teepees and wigwams!\" and the lady gave him some candy. Then the boy was up in line. The elderly lady said, \"What might you be?\" and he replied, \"I'm a cowboy! All day, I round up cattle and take them to corrals!\" The lady gave him some candy. \r\n\r\nSo he went to the next house, and a scorching hot teenage girl opened the door. She said, \"What might you be?\" and the girl in front of the boy said, \"I'm a lesbian. All day I think of women, all afternoon I think of women, and all night I think of women.\" The teenage girl gave her some candy, and next the boy was up. The teenage girl said, \"What might you be?\" The boy looked her up and down, and said, \"Well, I thought I was a cowboy!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 166,
"title": "Halloween"
},
{
"body": "One evening, on her first date, a blond went to an amusement park with her boyfriend. After they went on the roundabout, the boy said, \"What do you want to do next?\" \r\n\r\nThe girl said, \"I want to be weighed.\" So he weighed the blond on a guess the weight game. Then they went on the roller coaster, and afterwards the boy said, \"What do you want to do next?\" \r\n\r\nThe girl said, \"I want to be weighed.\" So he weighed the blond again, and she weighed the same, so he took her home. \r\n\r\nWhen she got home, she flumped on the couch and her mother said, \"How was the date?\" \r\n\r\nThe blond said, \"Weewy Weewy Wousy.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 167,
"title": "Amusement Park"
},
{
"body": "These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:\r\n\r\n1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. \r\n\r\n2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. \r\n\r\n3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33. \r\n\r\n4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. \r\n\r\n5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. \r\n\r\n6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. \r\n\r\n7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. \r\n\r\n8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. \r\n\r\n9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. \r\n\r\n10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. \r\n\r\n11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.] \r\n\r\n12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. \r\n\r\n13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. \r\n\r\n14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. \r\n\r\n15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears. \r\n\r\n16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. \r\n\r\n17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. \r\n\r\n18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. \r\n\r\n19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. \r\n\r\n20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. \r\n\r\n21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. \r\n\r\n22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 168,
"title": "Actual School Excuse Notes"
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 169,
"title": "Ode to Valentine's Day"
},
{
"body": "Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. \r\nFascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. \r\n\r\nCommunism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. \r\n\r\nCapitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. \r\n\r\nEnron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 170,
"title": "Voodoo Enronomics"
},
{
"body": "This Story is true! For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *don't* know! Now get this. \r\nI was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.\r\n\r\nA man answered nicely saying, \"Hello?\"\r\n\r\nI politely said, \"This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?\"\r\n\r\nSuddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had written the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.\r\n\r\nWhen the same person once more answered, I yelled, \"You're a jackass!\" and hung up.\r\n\r\nNext to his phone number I wrote the word \"jackass,\" and put it in my desk drawer.\r\n\r\nEvery couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.\r\n\r\nHe'd answer, and I'd yell, \"You're a jackass!\"\r\n\r\nIt would always cheer me up.\r\n\r\nLater in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.\r\n\r\nThen one day I had an idea.\r\n\r\nI dialed his number, then heard his voice say, \"Hello,\" I made up a name. \"Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?\"\r\n\r\nHe went, \"No!\" and slammed the phone down.\r\n\r\nI quickly called him back and said, \"That's because you're a jackass!\"\r\n\r\nThe reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.\r\n\r\nThe old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.\r\nFinally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. \"Great,\" I thought, \"she's finally leaving.\" All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.\r\n\r\nI started honking my horn and yelling, \"You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!\" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, \"This guy's a jackass.\r\nThere sure a lot of jackasses in this world.\"\r\n\r\nI noticed he had a \"For Sale\" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number, then I hunted for another place to park.\r\n\r\nA couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, \"You're a jackass!\" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.\r\n\r\nAfter a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, \"Hello.\"\r\n\r\nI said, \"Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?\" \r\n\"Yes, it is.\"\r\n\r\n\"Can you tell me where I can see it?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.\"\r\n\r\nI said, \"What's your name?\"\r\n\r\n\"My name is Don Hansen.\"\r\n\r\n\"When's a good time to catch you, Don?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm home in the evenings.\"\r\n\r\n\"Listen Don, can I tell you something?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes.\"\r\n\r\n\"Don, you're a jackass!\" and I slammed the phone down.\r\n\r\nAfter I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:\r\n\r\nFirst, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.\r\nA man answered nicely saying, \"Hello.\" \r\n\r\nI yelled \"You're a jackass!\" but I didn't hang up.\r\n\r\nThe jackass said, \"Are you still there?\"\r\n\r\nI said, \"Yeah.\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"Stop calling me.\"\r\n\r\nI said, \"No.\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"What's you name, pal?\"\r\n\r\nI said, \"Don Hansen.\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"Where do you live?\"\r\n\r\n\"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!\" and I hung up.\r\n\r\nThen I called Jackass #2. He answered, \"Hello.\"\r\n\r\nI said, \"Hello, Jackass!\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"If I ever find out who you are...\"\r\n\r\n\"You'll what?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'll kick your butt.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, Jackass!\" And I hung up.\r\n\r\nThen I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.\r\n\r\nAnother quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.\r\n\r\nAfter that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!\r\n\r\nName withheld to protect the guilty.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 171,
"title": "The Jackasses"
},
{
"body": "Proof That Santa Doesn't Exist - For Nerds! \r\n\r\nThere are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. \r\nSanta has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. \r\n\r\nAssuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. \r\n\r\nThis means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). \r\n\r\nA mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. \r\n\r\nA 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 172,
"title": "Santa!"
},
{
"body": "At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story: \r\nOn March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. \r\n\r\nHe left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. \r\n\r\nOrdinarily, Dr. Mills continued, \"a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended\", is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. \r\n\r\nThe room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. \r\n\r\nWhen one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her, therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded. \r\n\r\nThe continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. \r\n\r\nThe case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. \r\n\r\nNow comes the exquisite twist; further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 173,
"title": "Murder? Or Suicide?"
},
{
"body": "Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. \r\nKnown to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who \"never knew how much he was kneaded.\"\r\n\r\nFresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up. \r\n\r\nStill, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 174,
"title": "Pilsbury Doughboy Obituary"
},
{
"body": "How is a computer like an air conditioner? \r\nWhen you open Windows it won't work!",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 175,
"title": "Computer vs. Air Conditioner"
},
{
"body": "A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: \"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!\"\r\nThe ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, \"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 176,
"title": "Ventriloquist"
},
{
"body": "20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.\r\n19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind. \r\n18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow. \r\n17. It's a game of inches. \r\n16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it. \r\n15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding. \r\n14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow. \r\n13. He found his tight end. \r\n12. End around. \r\n11. He had to stretch to get it in. \r\n10. He gets penetration in the backfield. \r\n9. He blows them off (at the line). \r\n8. He bangs it in. \r\n7. He could go all the way. \r\n6. He gets it off just in time. \r\n5. He goes deep. \r\n4. He found a hole and slid through it. \r\n3. He pounds it in. \r\n2. He beats them off (the line) \r\n1. He's got great hands.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 177,
"title": "Things in American Football that Sound Dirty"
},
{
"body": "-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. \r\n-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. \r\n\r\n-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. \r\n\r\n-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. \r\n\r\n-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. \r\n\r\n-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. \r\n\r\n-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. \r\n\r\n-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. \r\n\r\n-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. \r\n\r\n-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. \r\n\r\n-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. \r\n\r\n-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child. \r\n\r\n-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 178,
"title": "What We Know from Movies"
},
{
"body": "1. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. \r\n2. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her. \r\n3. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. \r\n4. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread. \r\n5. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape. \r\n6. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. \r\n7. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. \r\n8. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. \r\n9. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. \r\n10 Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. \r\n11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire. \r\n12. When someone has a good reason for doing something, they will most likely be hated by everyone.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 179,
"title": "What We Learn from Movies 2"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White? \r\nA: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 180,
"title": "Vanna"
},
{
"body": "A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks \"How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!\". The jumper responds by slurring, \"Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.\" He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, \"You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 181,
"title": "Gravity Defying Tequila"
},
{
"body": "What's the definition of bravery? \r\nA man with diarrhea chancing a fart!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 182,
"title": "Bravery"
},
{
"body": "How does santa greet the three blonde sisters?\r\n\r\n\r\nHo. Ho. Ho.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 183,
"title": "Santa"
},
{
"body": "You were so ugly as a baby you were the poster child on the birth control posters.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 184,
"title": "Birth Control"
},
{
"body": "If you're on a plane going to California and you're stuck in an aisle seat how do you trick a blonde into giving you her window seat?\r\n\r\n\r\nTell her only the aisle seats are going to California.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 185,
"title": "Plane Trip"
},
{
"body": "Why are New Yorkers always depressed?\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 186,
"title": "New York"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar and a drunk is sitting there mumbling something quietly. Curious the man takes the seat next to him. The drunk is mumbling, \"Looks like plastic, feels like rubber.\" While looking at something in his hand. \r\nThe man asks the drunk if he may see what he means. The man feels the object and says, \"It does look like plastic and feels like rubber. Where did you get it?\"\r\nThe drunk replies, \"From my nose.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 187,
"title": "Plastic, or Rubber?"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama's so dumb she took a spoon to the Superbowl!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 188,
"title": "Football"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama's so stupid, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 189,
"title": "Long Time"
},
{
"body": "The day before Christmas break, a few kindergarten students decided to give their teacher a gift.\r\n\r\nThe first gift was from a little girl whos daddy was a florist. The teacher takes the present unwraps it and discovers it's flowers. She thanks the girl and takes the next present.\r\nIts from a little boy whose daddy own a candy store. She unwraps the present and sure enough there's a box of chocolates. She thanks the boy and takes the last gift.\r\nThe last gift is from a boy whose daddy owns a liquor store. The gift is dripping with a weird liquid. Shocked that the boy's father would give him alcohol to give to a teacher, decides to say nothing and guess what it is.\r\n\"Is it champagne?\" \r\nThe boy replies \"No.\"\r\n\"Is it wine?\"\r\nThe boy again replies \"Nope.\"\r\nThe teacher gives up and asks what it is. \r\nThe excited boy yells, \"ITS A PUPPY!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 190,
"title": "Teachers Present"
},
{
"body": "A little blind rabbit and a little blind snake met each other in the woods one day and, as neither of them could see what species they were so they decided to feel each other and then describe each other so that the rabbit would know what kind of animal he was and the snake would also know what species he was. The snake ran his tongue over the rabbit.\r\n\r\n\"Why, you are fluffy and soft and have a wet nose,\" the snake said; \"you must be a rabbit.\"\r\nThe rabbit then ran his paws over the length of the snake and said, \"Well, you are cold, slimy, scaly and hard .... you must be a lawyer!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 191,
"title": "Rabbit and the Snake"
},
{
"body": "A man and a woman are having an intimate dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the man quietly slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice.The waitress comes over and says, \"Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.\" \r\nThe woman says, \"No he didn't, he just walked in the door.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 192,
"title": "Dinner Troubles"
},
{
"body": "Your momma so old and fat when God said let there be light, he asked your momma to move the hell out of the way because she was blocking the sun.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 193,
"title": "Light"
},
{
"body": "One day a priest had a doctor's appointment and needed someone to cover for him at the confessional, so he calls over an old school chum of his who happens to be a rabbi.\r\nThe rabbi had no idea what to do but agreed to cover for the priest. The priest needed to show the rabbi how everything worked, so when the first person came in the priest said, \"What is your sin my son?\"\r\nThe man said \"I've commited adultery.\"\r\nThe priest asks, \"How many times?\"\r\nThe man says, \"3 times.\"\r\nThe priest replies, \"Do 10 Hail Marys, then put $5 in the donation box.\"\r\nThen the second man comes in and says he committed adultery also. When asked how many times he said 3. The priest replied again, \"Do 10 Hail Marys then put $5 in the donation box.\"\r\nThe rabbi tells the priest he has got the hang of it and that he should go to the doctor's now.\r\nAfter the rabbi is alone another man comes up to the confessional.\r\nThe rabbi asks, \"What is your sin?\"\r\nThe man replies, \"I've committed adultery.\"\r\nThe rabbi asks, \"How many times?\"\r\nThe man says, \"Once.\"\r\nThe rabbi says, \"Go home, do it 2 more times. We're having a special today. 3 for $5.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 195,
"title": "A Rabbi and a Confessional"
},
{
"body": "One day a blonde came home from work early and when she walked into her house, she saw her husband in bed with another woman. She pulls her gun out of her purse and points it to her head. Her husband screams, \"NO DON'T DO IT! I'm sorry!\"\r\n\r\nTo which the blonde replies \"SHUT UP! You're next!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 196,
"title": "Suicidal Blonde"
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work together in an office building. Their female boss always leaves work early. So one day the brunette says, \"Lets skip out early today. No one will notice.\"\r\n\r\nSo they all leave work early. The brunette goes to a movie, and the redhead goes to a few bars. The blonde though wanted to go home and have sex with her husband.\r\n\r\nShe arrives home and goes into her bedroom where her husband and her boss are having sex. The blonde quietly slips out the door and runs from her house. \r\n\r\nThe next day when the brunette suggested they skip work again the blonde replied, \"No way! I almost got caught yesterday.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 197,
"title": "Skipping Work"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nSomeone too short to ring the doorbell.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 199,
"title": "Duh..."
},
{
"body": "A college student sent the following letter to her parents:\r\n\r\nHi Parent$!\r\n\r\nToday i$ $eptember 15. I'm doing $uperb in $chool (or, $hould I $ay, college). The teacher$ are great, my roommate$ are great, and I'm having a $uper time! All I could u$e right now is a little ca$h.\r\n\r\nTo which the parents responded:\r\n\r\nHi daughter!\r\n\r\nNOthing happening on this end. Something's wrong, because you kNOw, we got this letter in NOvember. I am NOt worrying about anything down here, kNOck on wood huh?\r\n\r\nYour loving parents,\r\nNOrden and Morden Finkelstein.",
"category": "College",
"id": 200,
"title": "A College Student Sent a Letter to Her Parents..."
},
{
"body": "Two buzzards were eating a dead clown. One said to the other, \"Does this taste funny to you?\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 201,
"title": "Two Buzzards..."
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so dumb, she had you.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 202,
"title": "Yo Mama"
},
{
"body": "Politics comes from the root \"poli-\", which means many, and \"-tics\", which means, blood-sucking creatures.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 203,
"title": "Politics"
},
{
"body": "Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 204,
"title": "ATM"
},
{
"body": "Can women put mascara on with their mouth closed?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 205,
"title": "Women"
},
{
"body": "Ok, 3 canadians were walking along the beach, one from the Yukon, one from Quebec, and one from Newfoundland. Now, it happened that they found a magic lamp. After rubbing it, the genie promised each of them one wish. The Yukon said, \"I wish for fish teeming in our waters for a million years.\" The genie snapped his fingers and said, \"Done.\" \r\nThe Yukon man went off to go fish. Now the Quebec man said, \"Being as the Quebecois's (is that right?) are a superior race, I want a wall a mile high and a mile thick all the way around Quebec so no one can get in, and no one can get out. \r\nSo the genie snapped his fingers, and transported the Quebecois to Quebec so there were no problems. \r\nThe Newfie stepped up and said, \"Ok, it's a mile high and a mile thick, and no one can get in or out right?\" \r\n\"Correct.\" said the genie. \r\n\"Fill it with water.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 206,
"title": "Three Canadians..."
},
{
"body": "Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 207,
"title": "Depression"
},
{
"body": "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 208,
"title": "Birds"
},
{
"body": "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 209,
"title": "Eagles"
},
{
"body": "I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 211,
"title": "Cholesterol"
},
{
"body": "Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 212,
"title": "Success"
},
{
"body": "When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 213,
"title": "Freeway"
},
{
"body": "Laundromat sign:\r\n\r\nAutomatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 215,
"title": "Sign"
},
{
"body": "Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 216,
"title": "Sign #2"
},
{
"body": "Sign at an office kitchen:\r\n\r\nAfter the tea break, the staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain-board.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 217,
"title": "Signs #3"
},
{
"body": "antique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 218,
"title": "Daffynition"
},
{
"body": "Jack told me you told him that I told you that he was ugly, and I told you not to tell him I told you that!\r\n It's his fault! I told him not to tell you I told him what you told me!\r\n Well, don't let it happen again--and don't tell him I told you he told me.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 219,
"title": "Ouch, My Head!"
},
{
"body": "A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 220,
"title": "Good Way"
},
{
"body": "Silence is golden, because you never have to explain something you didn't say.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 221,
"title": "Golden"
},
{
"body": "I'm such an insomniac, the sheep fall asleep before I do.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 222,
"title": "Insomnia"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so fat, when she walks by the television set you miss three episodes.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 223,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 224,
"title": "I Know"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so fat when she wears high heels 2 hours later they're flip flops.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 225,
"title": "She So Fat"
},
{
"body": "Your Mom is so fat she rolled over a SuperNintendo and made 4 Game Boys.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 226,
"title": "Nintendo"
},
{
"body": "Your mom is so fat her picture fell down.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 227,
"title": "Pictures"
},
{
"body": "Your Mom is so fat, she's the only one at the beach that gets a tan.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 228,
"title": "Tan"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so fat she had a dream of marshmallows, and when she woke up, her pillows were gone.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 229,
"title": "Pillows"
},
{
"body": "When the body was first made all the parts of the body were fighting to see who would become the boss of the body. The fight for power was most intense between the limbs, the brain, and ..... the asshole. \r\n\r\nThe limbs said they should be boss because they control the human, and without them the body was useless and couldnt move or do anything.\r\n\r\nThe brain said it should be boss becauses it has to control the whole body and without the brain nothing in the body would function, neither the limbs or the asshole.\r\n\r\nThe asshole said simply, \"I'm the boss.\"\r\n\r\nThe brain and limbs laughed at him. The asshole was so mad he closed up and the body became constipated. The brain couldnt think straight and became fuzzy, the limbs became cold, sweaty and clammy, the body was going to hell. So the brain and limbs decided the asshole was the boss.\r\n\r\nMorale of the story is that it doesnt matter how good you are or what you do for others, only the asshole will become the person in charge.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 231,
"title": "Who's the boss"
},
{
"body": "Your momma so fat she uses pillows for pantyliners\r\n\r\nYour momma so fat she got stuck in the Grand Canyon",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 232,
"title": "3 Yo Momma So Fat Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Your momma so ugly when she walked through the graveyard 2 men came after her with shovels.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 233,
"title": "Graveyard"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat when she sat on a rainbow skittles came out!",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 234,
"title": "Skittles"
},
{
"body": "Your momma so fat when she broke a leg gravy came out.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 235,
"title": "Gravy"
},
{
"body": "Your momma so ugly when she went to the horse track people started placing bets on her.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 236,
"title": "The Track"
},
{
"body": "A drunk guy stumbles into the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, \"No way, you've had enough.\"\r\nSo the drunk leaves.\r\nThe drunk then enters the bar from the rear door and asks the bartender for a drink.\r\nThe bartender refuses and asks the drunk to leave.\r\nThe drunk comes back into the bar through the front door and asks for a drink.\r\nThe bartender says, \"Listen, I'm not giving you a damn drink, you're already drunk enough.\"\r\nThe drunk says, \"DAMN, MAN! How many bars do you work at?\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 238,
"title": "The Drunk"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into the bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. He even tells the bartender to pour himself one. So the bartender gives everyone the round and pours one for himself. He asks the man to pay, but the man says he has no money. The bartender is pissed so he beats up the man pretty bad then throws him out. \r\nThe next day the same man walks back in and orders a round of beer for everyone and even tells the bartender to give himself one. The bartender thinks the man isn't stupid enough to do the same thing twice, so he does it and asks the man to pay. So the man says again he has no money. Again the man is beat up and thrown out.\r\nThe next day the man comes back in and tells the bartender to give a round of beers to everyone.\r\nThe bartender replies in an angry voice, \"What? No beer for me this time?\"\r\nThe man says, \"No way man, you're violent when you drink.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 239,
"title": "Rounds For Everyone"
},
{
"body": "2 cops are sitting in their car outside of a local bar. They were waiting to see if anyone would drive home drunk. A guy stumbles out, obviously drunk out of his mind. He falls down flat on his face.\r\n\r\n5 bar patrons leave the bar. The cops don't care about the other patrons, they are just waiting for him to start up his car. He falls again on his face.\r\n\r\n5 more patrons leave the bar. Finally the drunk stumbles to his car door and opens it up and sits inside.\r\n\r\n6 patrons leave the bar. Finally the drunk starts up his car but before he could move the cops are on him sticking a breathalyzer in his face.\r\n\r\nHe takes the test and passes with blood alcohol level of 0.00. The cops are pissed and asked him what the hell he was doing. \r\n\r\nThe drunk replies, \"I'm the designated decoy.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 241,
"title": "Drunk Guy"
},
{
"body": "A drunk is out drinking and he gets really wasted. He looks at the time and it's 3 a.m. He screams and heads home before his wife screams at him. He tries to walk but he can't. His legs won't work. Figuring he's too drunk to walk home he crawls. It was long and hard but he makes it home in a half hour. He silently crawls into bed and his wife is still sound asleep. He relaxes and lays back. \r\nThen his wife whispers, \"I know you've been out drinking and right now your wasted.\"\r\nThe man whispers, \"No I haven't, and no I'm not.\"\r\nThe woman replies, \"Then where's your wheelchair?\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 242,
"title": "So Drunk He Can't Walk"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. \r\nThe bartender thinks, \"This guy doesn't know the difference,\" so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. \r\nThe patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender, \"I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!\" \r\nStill unimpressed, the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. \r\nThe patron takes a sip...same reaction. \r\nBut the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron. \r\nFinally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. \r\nAll the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. \r\nHe slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: \"Shay mishter, tashte this!\" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out. \r\n\"That tastes like pee!\" he shoots back at the drunk. \r\nThe drunk replies: \"It ish. Now how old am I?\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 243,
"title": "Scotch Expert"
},
{
"body": "A man goes into the bar and orders a scotch. He gulps it down, and looks in his hand. He orders another one. He gulps it down and orders another one. He again looks in his hand. He orders 2 scotches this time and gulps them both down. He looks in his hand. The bartender, curious, asks the man what's going on.\r\nThe man replies, \"It's a picture of my wife. When she starts to look good, I'm going home.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 244,
"title": "The Drunk Test"
},
{
"body": "Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. \r\nThey took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window. \r\nAfter they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, \"Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?\"\r\nThe nun replied, \"Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break?\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 246,
"title": "Nuns"
},
{
"body": "A burglar had just broken into a house and was stealing anything he could get his hands on. Then he heard a voice. It said, \"Jesus is watching you.\" Thinking its in his head he continues on his business. Then he hears it again, \"Jesus is watching you.\"\r\nThe burglar not very religious but still scared says, \"Who are you?\"\r\nThen he flipped on the light not caring if he was caught by the house owners. All he sees is a parrot in the corner. The parrot then says, \"Jesus is watching you.\"\r\nThe burglar asks the parrot his name. The parrot replied, \"Satan.\"\r\nThe burglar laughs and says, \"Who would name their parrot Satan?\"\r\nThe parrot says, \"Same person who would name their rottweiler Jesus.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 247,
"title": "Jesus is Watching You"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. \r\n\"Sorry, we don't need anyone...\" they replied. \r\n\"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything any time!\" \r\n\"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job.\" \r\nHe was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000. \r\n\"How in the world did you do that?\" they asked. \r\n\"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, any time!\" \r\n\"Did you get a urine sample?\" they asked him. \r\n\"What's that?\" he asked. \r\n\"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.\" \r\nHe was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, \"Here's Mr. Jones' and this one is Mrs. Johnson's.\" \r\n\"That's good,\" they said, \"but what's in those two buckets?\" \r\n\"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 248,
"title": "The Insurance Salesman"
},
{
"body": "A blonde walked in a library and went to the librarian, pulls out a thick book and started screaming at her. \r\nShe yells, \"THIS BOOK IS HORRIBLE! THERE ARE TOO MANY CHARACTERS AND NO PLOT WHATSOEVER!\"\r\nThe librarian stares at her, then calmly replies, \"So you're the one who took our phone book.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 249,
"title": "Library Blonde"
},
{
"body": "There once was a redneck and his redneck wife. The wife didn't want another child, and asked the redneck husband to get surgery so he can't impregnate his wife.\r\n\r\nThe redneck goes to a very expensive doctor. The doctor who is in a hurry and is sure the redneck can't pay for his operation, just hands the redneck a firecracker and says, \"Light this, hold it, count to 10.\" The redneck is confused but the doctor seems to know what he's doing.\r\n\r\nThe redneck goes home and lights the firecracker. He starts counting with the aid of his fingers... \"1...2...3...4...5...\" The redneck pauses, puts the firecracker between his legs and resumes counting on the other hand....",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 250,
"title": "Surgery the Redneck Way"
},
{
"body": "Two guys are in the woods camping out when a bear attacks them. While the bear sniffs around the food, the first guy starts lacing up his sneakers.\r\nThe second guys goes, \"Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear!\"\r\nThe first guy replies, \"I dont need to; I only have to outrun you.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 251,
"title": "Bear Attack"
},
{
"body": "A drunk is in the bar and crying uncontrollably. \r\nThe man beside him asks him what's wrong.\r\nThe drunk says, \"I forgot what my wife told me, she said if I went out drinking again she'd divorce me and take the kids.\"\r\nThe man says, \"Well don't go home yet. It's only 6 p.m. Walk it off\"\r\nThe drunk replies, \"GREAT IDEA!\" Then he barfs all over his shirt, and now he is crying even more.\r\nThe man says, \"Look... you got 20 dollars on you?\" The drunk hands him $20. The man puts the bill in the drunk's shirt pocket and says, \"When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk stumbled out onto the street, bumped into you and puked on you. And he gave you $20 for the dry cleaning.\"\r\nThe drunk is so happy now and heads home.\r\nWhen he gets home his wife starts screaming at him. The drunk just says, \"Honey I wasn't drinking. A drunk came out of a bar and bumped into me and then he puked all over me, then he put $20 in my pocket for dry cleaning.\"\r\nThe wife looks in the pocket and pulls out 2 $20 bills.\r\nThe man says, \"O yeah, he also crapped in my pants.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 252,
"title": "The Upset Drunk"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama is so fat that the local restaurant says :Maximum occupancy 115 people or yo mama.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 253,
"title": "Yo Mama*2"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama is so fat that when she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 254,
"title": "Milk Carton"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama is so ugly, when she looks in the mirror her reflection ducks.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 255,
"title": "Yo Mama*3"
},
{
"body": "Your momma so fat that when she layed on the beach, four guys from greenpeace tried to throw her back in.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 256,
"title": "On the Beach"
},
{
"body": "It is said that \"it is always in the last place you look\"\r\nWell of course! Are there some people out there who keep looking after they find it?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 257,
"title": "Searching"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?\r\n\r\nA stick.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 258,
"title": "Boomerang"
},
{
"body": "A horse walked into a bar.\r\nThe barman said,\r\n\"Why the long face?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 259,
"title": "Horse"
},
{
"body": "A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. \r\nThe bartender says, \"Dang, why are you drinking so fast?\" \r\n\r\nThe guy says, \"You would be drinking fast if you had what I have.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender says, \"What do you have?\" \r\n\r\nThe guy says, \"75 cents.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 260,
"title": "Twelve Shots"
},
{
"body": "TO: Boss\r\nFROM: Blondie\r\nRE: Changing Calendars from Y2K \r\nI hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months: \r\n\r\n\r\nJanuark\r\nFebruark\r\nMak\r\nJulk\r\n\r\nI also changed all the days of each week to: \r\n\r\nSundak\r\nMondak\r\nTuesdak\r\nWednesdak\r\nThursdak\r\nFridak\r\nSaturdak \r\nWe are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 261,
"title": "Y2K"
},
{
"body": "Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons. \r\n\"My son,\" the first one says, \"started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!\" \r\n\"My son,\" said the second, \"started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!\" \r\n\"My son,\" said the third, \"started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock.\" \r\n\"Well,\" the fourth guy said, \"my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in stock for his birthday.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 262,
"title": "Bragging"
},
{
"body": "One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help. \r\n\"Yes!\" he says looking and sounding relieved, \"This is very important.\" \r\n\r\nGlad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, \"Thanks, I only need one copy.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 263,
"title": "Dumb C.E.O"
},
{
"body": "In the beginning was the Plan\r\nAnd then came the assumptions\r\nAnd the assumptions were without form\r\nAnd the Plan was completely without substance\r\nAnd darkness was upon the faces of the workers\r\n\r\nAnd they spake unto their Group Heads, and sayeth:\r\n\"It is a crock, and it stinketh!\"\r\n\r\nAnd the Group Heads went unto their Section Heads, and sayeth:\r\n\"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof.\"\r\n\r\nAnd the Section Heads went unto their Managers, and sayeth unto them: \r\n\"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.\"\r\n\r\nAnd the Managers went to their Director, and sayeth unto him:\r\n\"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.\"\r\n\r\nAnd the Director went unto his Vice-President, and sayeth:\r\n\"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.\"\r\n\r\nAnd the Vice-President went unto the President, and sayeth unto him:\r\n\"It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful.\"\r\n\r\nAnd the President went unto the Chairman of the Board and sayeth unto him:\r\n\"This powerful new Plan will actively promote growth and the efficiency of the Company.\"\r\n\r\nAnd the Chairman looked upon the Plan\r\nAnd saw that it was good.\r\nAnd the Plan became Policy.\r\n\r\n-source unknown",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 264,
"title": "The Creation"
},
{
"body": "Knock, knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nDwayne\r\nDwayne who?\r\nDwayne the bathtub mommy, I'm dwowning.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 265,
"title": "Dwayne"
},
{
"body": "Yo Dad said to yo mama, \"We're getting a color TV!\" and yo mama asked, \"What color?\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 266,
"title": "tv's"
},
{
"body": "Your mom is so stupid, when the doctor told her she had to take a pregnancy test, she asked how long she had to study",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 267,
"title": "Testing, 1, 2"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so stupid she waited at a Stop sign until it said Go.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 268,
"title": "Driver"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see the other side.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 269,
"title": "Glass"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so stupid she stole a free sample.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 270,
"title": "Restaurants"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so stupid she couldn't even pass a blood test.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 272,
"title": "Blood"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so stupid she thinks these jokes are funny.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 273,
"title": "Lol"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so stupid, she got locked in McDonalds, and lost 300 pounds.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 274,
"title": "Weight"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama is so poor, I walked in and dropped a cigarette butt on the floor, and she said, \"Clap your hands and stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got heat\".",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 275,
"title": "Heat It Up"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so stupid, she put a free sample on layaway.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 276,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so poor that when I walked in the front door, I tripped over the back gate.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 277,
"title": "Doorway"
},
{
"body": "An actual headline: \"Include Your Children When Baking Cookies\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 278,
"title": "Actual Headline"
},
{
"body": "An actual headline: \"Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 279,
"title": "Actual Headline#2"
},
{
"body": "An actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 280,
"title": "Headline#3"
},
{
"body": "An actual headline: Deer Kill 17,000",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 281,
"title": "Headline#4"
},
{
"body": "Every \"Hormone Hostage\" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands.\r\n\r\nThis is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.\r\n\r\nDANGEROUS: What's for dinner?\r\nSAFER: Can I help you with dinner?\r\nSAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?\r\n\r\nDANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?\r\nSAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.\r\nSAFEST: Wow! Look at you!\r\n\r\nDANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?\r\nSAFER: Could we be overreacting?\r\nSAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.\r\n\r\nDANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?\r\nSAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.\r\nSAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?\r\n\r\nDANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?\r\nSAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.\r\nSAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 282,
"title": "The Must-Have Wallet Guide"
},
{
"body": "A blonde has just inherited a Ranch but only had two horses. The problem was she couldn't tell them apart. So she goes to her neighbor rancher and asks for help. He suggests cutting ones tail a bit shorter then the other. She does it but then a week later she comes back and tells the neighbor rancher that it grew back. So he tells her to tie a different colored string around one of the horses neck. She does it but a week later the tie slips off and she has to go back to the neighbor. So he suggest she paint a different color spot on each of the horses. She does and comes back a week later with cookies. \r\nShe tells the neighbor rancher, \"Here I baked these for you. Your plan worked perfectly. I painted a red spot on the black horse and a blue spot on the white horse.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 283,
"title": "A Blonde Rancher"
},
{
"body": "How do you keep a Rhino from charging?\r\n\r\nTake away its credit card.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 284,
"title": "Charging Rhino"
},
{
"body": "How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? \r\n \r\nOnly one-they don't like to share the spotlight.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 285,
"title": "Actors"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a lightbulb ? \r\nA: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going \"To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right...\"",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 286,
"title": "Aerobic Instructors"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? \r\n\r\nA: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 287,
"title": "Mechanics"
},
{
"body": "PARATROOPER \r\n\r\nA young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper. \r\n\r\n\"Dad\" he says, \"on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergeant standing behind me told me that if I didn''t jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well did you jump?\" asks his dad. \r\n\r\n\"Just a little at first\" answered the boy.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 288,
"title": "Paratrooper"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a short psychic on the lam?\r\n~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\r\nA small medium at large!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 289,
"title": "Psychic"
},
{
"body": "How do you praise a computer?\r\nSay \"Data Boy\"!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 290,
"title": "Computer"
},
{
"body": "Three men, two brunettes and a blond, are being chased by a tiger through the jungle. They get to a river and have two choices: 1. Get across the river without being eaten by pirannhas or 2. Get eaten by the tiger.\r\n They spot a genie and the genie says I can grant you one wish.. \r\n\r\nThe first blond man thinks \"I wish I can get across safely.\" He swims across and makes it without a scratch. \r\nThe second blond man says \"I want to be even smarter than the first man.\" He climbed onto a raft and paddled across. \r\n The brunette thinks \"I want to be the smartest of them all\". Instantly, he turned into a woman, and she walked across a nearby bridge.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 291,
"title": "Jungle"
},
{
"body": "One day, a cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,\"You've been a good cat all of your life, anything you want is yours.\" The cat says\"Well, I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wood floor.\" Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. The cat hops onto it and falls asleep. \r\n\r\nA week later, five mice die and go to heaven as well. God meets them at the gate and makes them the same offer. They reply \"All of our life, we've been chased by cats, dogs, and women with brooms. If only we didn't have to run anymore....\" They are each fitted with a custom pair of roller skates.\r\n\r\nA month later, God decides to check up on the cat. He asks \"How are you doing? Are you happy?\" Kitty answers \" Life here is SUPER! Oh, and by the way, those meals on wheels you've been sending over are the best!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 292,
"title": "Cat and Mouse"
},
{
"body": "A doctor who works at the mental hospital wants to take his patients out to a baseball game seeing as they're so well behaved. He goes to his colleagues and asks them if it's ok. They don't want to let him take them in case they misbehave or do something wrong seeing as they're complete nutcases. \r\n\r\nBut the doctor wants to show them that the patients are really good. So he brings them in and says, \"Sit Nuts.\" And all the patients sit.\r\nHe then says, \"Stand Nuts.\" And all the patients stand. He then says \"Talk Nuts.\" And they all start chatting. The other doctors are impressed and agree its ok. \r\n\r\nSo they go to the stadium and the doctor leaves to go get snacks. When he comes back out everyone is running and screaming. He stops a guy and asks him what the heck is happening. The man replies, \"The vendor came by and started yelling PEANUTS! and a bunch of people started pissing all over the place.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 293,
"title": "Mental Patients"
},
{
"body": "A man goes into a shoe store and asks to try on a pair of shoes. They were a bit snug.\r\n\r\n\"Well, they feel a bit tight,\" says the man.\r\n\r\nThe salesman bends down and feels around. He suggests pulling the tongue out, then asks, \"How do they feel now?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, dey shtill feel a bit thight\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 294,
"title": "Trying on Shoes"
},
{
"body": "A man is sitting at his register and a beautiful young women comes in asking to use the bathroom. Even though she is beautiful the man refuses to let her use it. At least until she buys something. So she buys a pack of gum and then asks again. He says, \"yes.\"\r\n\r\nShe comes out a few minutes later, and in her most seductive voice starts talking to him, she slips her finger in his mouth and lets him lick it for awhile. After a while she pops her finger out of his mouth and says, \"You're out of toilet paper.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 295,
"title": "Public Restroom"
},
{
"body": "A man is at the gates of heaven, but his life was very borderline good and bad; so St. Peter decides to have a contest. He gives the choice of the man answering a question or asking a question. If the man cannot get the answer he's asked or St. Peter can't answer the question then the man gets into heaven. \r\nThe man decides to ask.\r\nHe takes a piece of paper, pokes 1000 holes in it, and puts it to his butt and farts. He then asks St. Peter, \"Which hole did my fart come out of?\"\r\nSt. Peter replies, \"That's easy; this one,\" and he points to a hole.\r\nThe man smiles and says, \"Nope! It came out of this one!\" and he points to his ass.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 296,
"title": "The Contest"
},
{
"body": "Three men, a French, Chinese, and American, decided to have a contest. They wanted to see whose dog could go the longest without going to the bathroom. The Chinese man won after a few hours. A news reporter asked him how he acheived such a feat. He replied, in a rather sing-song way, \"Me Chinese, me no dumb, me stick rock up doggie's bum!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 298,
"title": "Three Men and Dogs"
},
{
"body": "A man was on a bridge as a news reporter walked by. She was told that if she didn't cover another story in 2 hours, she'd be fired. All of a sudden, the man starts to count \"1,2,..\"\r\n\"Wait!\" interrupts the reporter.\r\n\"What is it?\"\r\n\"What are you trying to do?\"\r\n\"I'm going to commit suicide.\"\r\n\"May I join you?\"\r\n\"Certainly.\"\r\nThe two shout \"1,2...\"\r\nThey're interrupted by a man walking down the street.\r\n\"May I join you?\" he asks.\r\n\"Sure.\"\r\n\"1,2...\"\r\n\r\nAs soon as the two men said 3, they jumped off, but the clever reporter stayed behind. \r\n\r\n\"3,2,1, and cue!\"\r\n\"Good evening, I am just arriving at the scene of a crime. Two men just jumped off of this bridge.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 299,
"title": "1,2..."
},
{
"body": "There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy. \r\n\r\n\"Can I touch it?\" \r\n\r\n\"No way -- you already broke yours off!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 300,
"title": "Bathtub"
},
{
"body": "A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, \"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it.\" \r\n\r\nThe old farmer replied. \"This is my property, and you are not coming over here.\" \r\n\r\nThe indignant lawyer said, \"I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.\" \r\n\r\nThe old farmer smiled and said, \"Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule.\" \r\n\r\nThe lawyer asked, \"What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?\" The farmer replied. \"Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.\" \r\n\r\nThe attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. \r\n\r\nHis first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited. \r\n\r\nThe geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. \r\n\r\nThe barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. \r\n\r\nThe lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, \"Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn.\" \r\n\r\nThe old farmer said, \"Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 301,
"title": "Lousiana Law"
},
{
"body": "A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, \"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?\" She responded, \"Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.\" \r\n\r\nThe lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, \"Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?\" \r\n\r\nShe again replied, \"Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.\" \r\n\r\nAt this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, \"If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 302,
"title": "The Witness"
},
{
"body": "A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought 'Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down this lawyer!' and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. \r\n\r\nHe turned to the priest and said 'Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.' The priest said 'Don't worry son, I got him with my door'",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 303,
"title": "The Priest and the Lawyer"
},
{
"body": "A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him \"What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?\" \r\nThe Lawyer thought a moment, then said, \"A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.\" \r\n\r\nSaint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. \r\n\r\nSaint Peter said, \"Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.\" \r\n\r\nThe Lawyer said, \"Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.\" \r\n\r\nSaint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. \r\n\r\nSaint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, \"Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?\" \r\n\r\nGabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, \"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 304,
"title": "Heaven or Hell"
},
{
"body": "After successfully passing the bar exam, a young man opened his own law office. One day he was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.\r\n\r\n\"Show him right in!\" the lawyer replied.\r\n\r\nAs Mr. Jones was being ushered in the lawyer had an idea. He quickly picked up the phone and shouted into it \"...and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!\"\r\n\r\nSlamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones, \"Good morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm from the telphone company,\" Mr. Jones replied. \"I'm here to connect that phone.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 305,
"title": "The Phone Call"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?\r\nA: There are skid marks in front of the dog.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 306,
"title": "Lawyers and Dogs"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?\r\nA: Professional courtesy.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 307,
"title": "Sharks"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?\r\nA: Not enough sand.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 308,
"title": "Buried"
},
{
"body": "Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?\r\nA: Stick his bill up his rear.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 309,
"title": "Geese and Ducks"
},
{
"body": "A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, \"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined.\" \r\n\r\n\"It's in the judge's hands now,\" said the lawyer. \r\n\r\n\"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?\" asked the defendant. \r\n\r\n\"Oh no!\" said the lawyer. \"This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge.\" \r\n\r\nWithin the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, \"Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked.\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them,\" said the lawyer. \r\n\r\n\"But I did send them,\" said the defendant. \r\n\r\n\"What?? You did?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, That's how we won the case.\" \r\n\r\n\"I don't understand,\" said the lawyer. \r\n\r\n\"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card...\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 310,
"title": "THE CIGARS"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nBoo!\r\nBoo who?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nDon't cry it's just a joke",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 312,
"title": "Boo!"
},
{
"body": "How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\n\r\nTwo (think about it)",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 314,
"title": "Mice"
},
{
"body": "A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are all about to be shot by a firing squad. The redhead goes out first and stands in front of them. Right before they shoot, the redhead screams, \"Tornado!\" The firing squad turns to look, and the redhead runs away. \r\n\r\nThe brunette is up next, and decides it would be a good idea to to do the same thing that the redhead did. So, just as the firing squad is about to shoot, she screams, \"Earthquake!\" The firing squad looks around for a moment, distracted, giving the brunette just enough time to run away. \r\n\r\nThen the blonde comes up and decides to copy the redhead and the brunette. Just as the firing squad is about to shoot, the blonde screams, \"Fire!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 317,
"title": "Firing Squad"
},
{
"body": "A man and a woman are in a lamaze class, and the woman is 7 months pregnant. In this class, the lamaze instructor is trying to get the husbands to understand what their wives are going through. All the men put on fake bellies, and the lamaze instructor walks up to the first man and drops a pencil in front of him. \r\n\r\n\"Okay, now pick up that pencil exactly as your wife would,\" says the lamaze instructor. \r\n\r\nThe husband smiles slyly. \"You want me to pick it up 'exactly' how my wife would? He asks. \r\n\r\n\"Yes, exactly how your wife would,\" the lamaze instructor repeats, impatiently. \r\n\r\nThe man looks at his wife, and says, \"Honey, pick up that pencil.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 319,
"title": "Lamaze Class"
},
{
"body": "A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on an airplane. The lawyer gets bored, so he looks over to the blond and smiles, thinking maybe he can make use of his time. \"Hey,\" he says to the blonde, \"Do you want to play a game?\" The blonde shakes her head and goes back to her reading. \r\n\r\nFive minutes later, the lawyer asks her again. She shakes her head again. When the lawyer asks her for a third time, she is exasperated and finally asks him what the game is just to get this lawyer off her back. \r\n\r\n\"It's simple. I ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you give me five bucks. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll give you five bucks.\" Seeing the blonde looks skeptical, he smiles, thinking she doesn't look very smart so he'll still make money if he changes things around a little bit. \"Fine, how about this - if I get the question you ask me wrong, I pay you a HUNDRED bucks instead.\" Finally the blonde shrugs and looks at the man. \r\n\r\n\"How many miles are there from the earth to the sun?\" asks the lawyer. The blonde silently reaches into her purse and hands him five dollars. The lawyer smiles. \"Your turn,\" he says in a friendly tone of voice. The blonde paused, then said, \"What has 7 legs in the daytime and 2 legs at night? \r\n\r\nThe lawyer was stumped by this. He took out his laptop and emailed all his colleagues, to no avail. Finally he shakes his head and hands the blonde a hundred dollar bill. He sits in silence for a moment, then says, \"So what's the answer?\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde silently reaches into her purse and hands the lawyer a five dollar bill.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 321,
"title": "The Plane Trip"
},
{
"body": "Bad news: A man fell out of an airplane\r\nGood news: He had a parachute\r\nBad news: The parachute didn't work\r\nGood news: There was a haystack beneath him\r\nBad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack\r\nGood news: He missed the pitchfork\r\nBad news: He missed the haystack",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 322,
"title": "Good News/Bad News"
},
{
"body": "A man walks up to the bartender in a bar and says, \"I bet you twenty dollars I can pee into that cup over there.\" He points to a cup over the bar about 4 feet away. The bartender says sure, positive that the man can't do it and he's about to make 20 bucks. Sure enough, the man ends up peeing all over the bar, anywhere but in the cup. The bartender, laughing, collects twenty dollars. The man is still smiling. Curious, the bartender asks, \"You just lost your bet. Why are you smiling?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the man, \"I just bet that man over there that I could pee all over your bar and you wouldn't do anything but laugh.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 323,
"title": "Betting"
},
{
"body": "A pig walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. It drinks it, then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and pays no more attention to the pig. \r\n\r\nAnother pig walks into the bar, orders two glasses of water. He drinks them and asks where the bathroom is. The bartender points him in the right direction and then turns his attention back to his work. \r\n\r\nA third pig walks in, orders five glasses of water, and drinks them all down. He gets up to leave and says goodbye to the bartender. \"Wait,\" says the bartender, curious, \"Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?\" \r\n\r\n\"Nope,\" says the pig, \"I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.\" \r\n\r\n-Courtesy of my cousin",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 324,
"title": "Three Little Pigs"
},
{
"body": "Roses are red\r\nViolets are blue\r\nI'm schizophrenic\r\nAnd so am I!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 326,
"title": "Roses are Red"
},
{
"body": "The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this warning...\r\n\r\n\"Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognise the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 327,
"title": "Grizzly Bear Warning"
},
{
"body": "Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat', 'deduct', 'defence' and 'detail'. Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply.\r\n\r\n\"Defeat of Deduct went over defence before detail!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 328,
"title": "Make a Sentence"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama is so fat, she went to buy a water bed and they put a blanket over the Altantic Ocean.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 329,
"title": "So Fat..."
},
{
"body": "A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.\r\n\"Yes,\" says the blonde.\r\n\"Are their lights on?\"\r\nThe blonde has to think for a moment, then says, \"Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 330,
"title": "Look Out For Cops"
},
{
"body": "Two blonds decided to go shopping. A few hours later they come out and the first blond realizes that she has locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing around the car trying to figure out what to do. Finally, the first blond looks off into the distance and sees storm clouds. She turns to her friend and says, \"Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I left the convertible top open!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 331,
"title": "Two Blonds"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, \"Geez that's a weird dog; he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.\" \r\n50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. \r\n\r\nAnother drinker says his pit bull will win, but the bet is 100 bucks. \r\n\r\nAnother trip to the yard and when it's finished there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and asks, \"Say what breed is that anyway?\" \r\n\r\nThe owner says, \"Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 332,
"title": "Dog Fight"
},
{
"body": "In the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.\r\n\r\nMoses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humour thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.\r\n\r\nMoses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.\r\n\r\nDavid was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.\r\n\r\nJesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, \"Man doth not live by sweat alone.\"\r\n\r\nThe people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.\r\n\r\nSt. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 333,
"title": "Children's Bible Essays"
},
{
"body": "Looking in the mall for a nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same item. This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very \"with it\" attitude. \r\n \r\n \"I see we have the same taste,\" I said proudly to the 20- something behind me. \r\n \r\n \"Yes,\" she replied. \"I'm getting this for my grandmother.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 334,
"title": "The Lingerie"
},
{
"body": "I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, \"Do I click the square?\" I said yes.\r\n \r\nShe then asked me, \"Single click or double click?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 335,
"title": "Seatbelt"
},
{
"body": "One day, an old man went to a teenager with spiked hair. He asked him, \"Have you done anything crazy in your life?\"\r\nThe teen replied, \"No\".\r\nSo the old man said, \"Well, about 15 years ago, I was drunk, and I saw a porcupine. Now I am wondering if you are my son.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 336,
"title": "Peacock"
},
{
"body": "One day, a teen went to the docter, and said: \"DOCTOR! Whenever I go to the bathroom, nickels come out!\" The docter replies, \"Drink lots of water, and keep your feet elevated.\" The next week, the teen comes back and says that dimes come out. The doctor says the same thing. Next week, he says that quarters are coming. Then half dollars. The doctor finally replies, \"You're at the time where you go through change.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 337,
"title": "Change"
},
{
"body": "When Eve was first created, she had 3 breasts. She asks God, \"What shall I do with this extra breast?\" And God created Adam.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 340,
"title": "How Man Was Created"
},
{
"body": "Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.\r\n\r\n\"And how do you find the English students, Donald?\" she asked.\r\n\r\n\"Mother,\" he replied,\"they're such terrible, noisy\r\npeople. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?\"\r\n\r\n\"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 341,
"title": "Noisy Neighbors"
},
{
"body": "\"And will there be anything else, sir?\" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.\r\n\r\n\"No, thank you,\" the gentleman replied. \"That will be all.\"\r\n\r\nAs the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. \"Anything for your wife?\" he asked.\r\n\r\n\"Yeah! That's a good idea,\" the fellow said...\r\n\r\n\"Please bring up a postcard. I'll mail her a note!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 343,
"title": "The Postcard"
},
{
"body": "A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, \"PIG!!\"\r\n\r\nThe man immediately leans out his window and replies,\r\n\"BITCH!!\"\r\n\r\nThey each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 345,
"title": "If Only Men Would Listen"
},
{
"body": "A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 am.\r\n\r\nThe next day at 8:45 am, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door, and the assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.\r\n\r\nHe says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.\r\n\r\nSure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.\r\n\r\nThe personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, \"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 346,
"title": "The Elmo Misunderstanding"
},
{
"body": "There are three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.\r\n\r\nAfter a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, \"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?\"\r\n\r\nThe third fellow says, \"I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.\"\r\n\r\nThe first two guys were amazed. \"Wow! What happened then?\" they asked.\r\n\r\nThe third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and\r\nuttered, \"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 347,
"title": "Wives"
},
{
"body": "A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer.\r\n\r\nThe bartender replies, \"Sorry, we don't serve food here\".",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 348,
"title": "Hotdog"
},
{
"body": "Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty. \r\n\r\nA priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck \"My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?\"\r\n\r\nOn hearing this, the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and says, \"Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 349,
"title": "Beggers"
},
{
"body": "Why are the blonde's boobs square?\r\n\r\nShe forgot to take the tissues out of the box!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 350,
"title": "Square"
},
{
"body": "A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road, so he decides to pull over. On approaching the door he reads a sign: \"NO NERDS\". He shrugs it off and enters. He is greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. \"Are you a nerd?\" the bartender asks. \"No, I'm a truck driver\", he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.\r\n\r\nWhile he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glasses. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. \"What the hell did you do that for!?\" Asks the trucker. \"Well,\" the bartender answers, \"it's nerd season\". \"Nerd season?\" asks the trucker, confused. \"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season\".\r\n\r\nSo, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road. While he's driving, the car in front of him suddenly swerves and crashes. To avoid becoming part of the disaster, he swerves to get out of the way, loses control, and his trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this and remembers what the bartender told him. He goes back to his truck, pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.\r\n\r\nWhile doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, \"STOP! STOP!\" \"What?\" the trucker asks, confused, \"I thought it was nerd season.\" \"Well, yeah,\" the officer answers, \"but you can't bait 'em!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 351,
"title": "Huntin' Nerds"
},
{
"body": "An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his\r\npredicament.\r\n\r\nDear Bubba,\r\n\r\nI am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.\r\n\r\nLove Dad\r\n\r\n\r\nA few days later he received a letter from his son.\r\n\r\n\r\nDear Dad,\r\n\r\nFor heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES!\r\n\r\nLove Bubba\r\n\r\n\r\nAt 4 the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police\r\nshowed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.\r\n\r\n\r\nDear Dad,\r\n\r\nGo ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.\r\n\r\nLove Bubba.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 353,
"title": "Dig the Potato Garden"
},
{
"body": "How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail?\r\n\r\nYou see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 354,
"title": "Dummy E-mail"
},
{
"body": "How do a blond's braincells die?\r\n\r\nAlone.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 355,
"title": "Braincells"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 356,
"title": "Law Professor"
},
{
"body": "A judge asks a defendant to stand. \"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.\" From out of the audience a man shouts \"You lying maggot!\"\r\n\r\n\"Silence in the court!\" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, \"You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.\"\r\n\r\n\"You Goddamned tightwad!\" blurted the spectator.\r\n\r\n\"Quiet!\" yelled the judge. \"You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.\"\r\n\r\n\"You cheap son of a...\" the man starts to shout when the judge thunders back \"If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!\"\r\n\r\n\"I've lived next to that lying maggot for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a f*****g tool when I needed to borrow one!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 357,
"title": "Judge"
},
{
"body": "Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 358,
"title": "Sword"
},
{
"body": "Every Sunday 3 boys would go to church and confess. So the first boy went up to the priest. The priest says \"What have you done bad in your life son\". \r\n\r\nThe boy responds with \"I've swore to my mother.\"\r\n\r\nThe priest says,\"Take one sip of holy water.\" \r\n\r\nThe second boys goes up to the priest and the priest asks, \"What have you done bad in your life son?\"\r\n\r\nThe boy responds with, \"I've stolen something\".\r\n\r\nThe priest says \"Take two sips of holy water.\"\r\n\r\nAfter every sip the third boy is laughing his head off.\r\n\r\nSo the third boy goes up to the priest and the priest says, \"What have you done bad in your life son\" \r\n\r\nThe boy responds with, \"I peed in the holy water.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 359,
"title": "Holy Water"
},
{
"body": "Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursdays\r\nat 7:30 to 8:30, Please use the back door.\r\n\r\nWeight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use\r\nlarge double doors at the side entrance.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 360,
"title": "Groups"
},
{
"body": "A guy receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the upper corner of the stadium; he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter he sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.\r\n\r\nAs he sits down he ask the gentleman sitting next to him, \"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?\" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, \"This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!\"\r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was suppose to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at, since we got married.\r\n\r\nWell, \"Thats really sad, but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?'\r\n\r\n\"No,\" the man replies, \"They're all at the funeral.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 361,
"title": "Superbowl"
},
{
"body": "A young man went to a house to pick up his blind date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger. \r\n\r\nSuddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart and didn't know what to do, however, since the dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and feign innocence. \r\n\r\n\"Brrroough,\" went the fart! Dad peered over his newspaper and said, \"Rover! Get off that couch!\" \r\n\r\nThe young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let it rip, assured that Rover would once again be blamed. \r\n\r\nSure enough, Dad peered over his newspaper and said more sharply, \"Rover! I said get off the couch!\" \r\n\r\nHappily, the young man decided that he could fart whenever the urge arose and he let yet another one fly. \r\n\r\nFinally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust and bellowed, \"Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF THAT COUCH BEFORE HE craps ON YOU!!!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 362,
"title": "CRAP"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so dumb that when she got locked in the grocery store she starved to death!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 363,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama stinks so bad that when she puts on her 'Secret' deodorant it tells! ha ha :)",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 364,
"title": "Duh"
},
{
"body": "A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. \r\nThen St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. \r\n\r\nThe lawyer said, \"I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?\" \r\n\r\nSt. Peter replied, \"Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 365,
"title": "Old Lawyer"
},
{
"body": "As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa. Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport, Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version of your roulette.'' \r\n\r\nA year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms. \r\n\r\n''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.'' \r\n\r\n''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.'' \r\n\r\n''But my friend, where is the danger in this?'' \r\n\r\nUmballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 366,
"title": "Zambian Roulette"
},
{
"body": "1. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. \r\n2. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. \r\n3. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. \r\n4. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. \r\n5. Forgot to pay his brain bill. \r\n6. A few clowns short of a circus. \r\n7. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. \r\n8. Too much yardage between the goal posts. \r\n9. A few beers short of a six-pack. \r\n10. Dumber than a box of hair. \r\n11. A few peas short of a casserole. \r\n12. One taco short of a combination plate. \r\n13. All foam, no beer. \r\n14. The cheese slid off his cracker. \r\n15. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. \r\n16. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. 2\r\n17. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 18. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. \r\n19. As smart as bait. \r\n20. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. \r\n21. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. \r\n22. Surfing in Nebraska. \r\n22. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most. \r\n23. One sandwich short of a picnic. \r\n24. The light's on, but nobody's home. \r\n25. If dumb were dirt, he'd cover about an acre.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 367,
"title": "He's Dumb!"
},
{
"body": "The bumper sticker on your car reads: \"What Would Dawson Do?\" \r\nIn the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to use a lifeline. \r\nYou need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out. \r\nIn the late evening, you look forward to sitting back and catching the latest informercial. \r\nIf you're a witness to an argument, you instinctually shout, \"Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!\" \r\nYou try to impress the opposite sex by saying, \"Hey, I get 120 channels!\" \r\nYour entire CD collection consists of \"Greatest Hits\" albums by the decade. \r\nYou have a gold-plated \"clicker.\" \r\nYour intellectual discussions all stem from The Discovery Channel. \r\nAfter 15 minutes of work, you need a two-minute break.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 368,
"title": "Signs You're Watching Too Much TV"
},
{
"body": "There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been really good friends for a long time. Well, one day the deacon got sick and was taken to hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend. When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and stuff they had going into the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, \"How ya doing?\" The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. \"You want that?\" the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died. At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. \"He was a good man and I'll never forget him,\" the preacher said, \"I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.\" The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. \"Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 370,
"title": "Deacon and Preacher"
},
{
"body": "Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there. \r\n''Why?'' he asks. \r\n\r\nSt. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why. \r\n\r\nSt. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?'' \r\n\r\n''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 371,
"title": "Punishment"
},
{
"body": "This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. \r\nFinally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting. \r\n\r\nAfter several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes to shit. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). \r\n\r\nThey get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). \r\n\r\nUnfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. 'Oh shit,' he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. \r\n\r\nOn the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. 'Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?' he asks. 'No problem, I'd like to look around too,' she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. \r\n\r\nOur hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) 'Just the pants.' 'What?' asks the Gap girl. 'Just the pants!' (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: 'Oh, OK.' He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store. \r\n\r\nThey board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 372,
"title": "Bad Date"
},
{
"body": "1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than have you pet it. \r\n2. All the numbers in your little black book start with \"1-900.\"\r\n3. Due to excessive hazing and ridicule, you decided to drop out of the Origami Club. \r\n4. You were almost involved in a threesome, but your left hand fell asleep. \r\n5. Fantasizing out loud before falling asleep is your idea of \"pillow talk.\" \r\n6. Your personal ad reads: \"Seeking Anybody.\" \r\n7. Next to your name in the phone directory, the phone number is replaced with the phrase \"Who cares?\" \r\n8. You look forward to the dinner time calls from telemarketers.\r\n9. The last time you were invited to a party, you were grooving to the lyric, \"Put your right foot in, take your right foot out.\" \r\n10. You spent last summer following around the 2000 Bible Belt Trekkie Convention Tour.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 373,
"title": "Signs You're A Loser"
},
{
"body": "A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in. \r\n\"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!\" \r\n\r\n\"Dad,\" the boy said, \"I'm over here.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 374,
"title": "Blind"
},
{
"body": "A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.\r\n \r\nBefore the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. \r\n\r\nWhen the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. \r\n\r\n\"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,\" he said. \"You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.\" \r\n\r\n\"How can you say such a thing?\" asked the lawyer. \r\n\r\nThe cop replied, \"Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.\" \r\n\r\n\"Ahhh!\" screamed the lawyer. \"Where's my Rolex?\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 375,
"title": "Hit and Run"
},
{
"body": "If Men Ruled the World \r\n\r\n\r\nAny fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. \r\nNodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to \"I love you.\" \r\nHallmark would make \"Sorry, what was your name again?\" cards. \r\nIf your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. \r\nBreaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a \"Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time,\" would pretty much do it. \r\nBirth control would come in ale or lager. \r\nYou'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like \"Heywood J'Blowme.\" \r\nEach year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. \r\nThe funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. \r\n\"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night\" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. \r\nAt the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. \r\nIt'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. \r\nLifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the \"public ugliness\" ordinance. \r\nTanks would be far easier to rent. \r\nGarbage would take itself out. \r\nInstead of beer belly, you'd get \"beer biceps.\" \r\nInstead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, \"You're #1!\" \r\nValentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. \r\nOn Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. \r\nSt. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. \r\nBut it would be celebrated every month. \r\nCops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. \r\nTwo words: Ally McNaked. \r\nRegis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. \r\nThe victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. \r\nThe only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. \r\nIt would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. \r\nEvery man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. \r\nWhen a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. \r\n As in: Cop: \"You know how fast you were going?\" \r\n You: \"All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.\"\r\n Cop: \"Nice one. That's $10 off.\" \r\nFaucets would run \"Hot,\" \"Cold,\" and \"100 proof.\" \r\nThe Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. \r\nPeople would never talk about how fresh they felt. \r\nDaisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. \r\nTelephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 376,
"title": "If Men Ruled the World"
},
{
"body": "A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn respectable. So he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her. \r\n\"Oh, my child,\" he said, \"your dress is most lovely.\" \r\n\r\n\"Thank you, Father,\" she replied. \r\n\r\nThe radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked. \r\n\r\n\"Oh, my child,\" said the priest, \"your conversation is most lovely.\" \r\n\r\n\"Thank you, Father,\" said the prostitute. \r\n\r\nFinally, the priest sat her down and said, \"Oh, my child, there is one thing I have against you.\" \r\n\r\nAnd the prostitute said, \"Yes, I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 377,
"title": "Priest and Prostitute"
},
{
"body": "Christmas Italian Style \r\n\r\n'Twas the night before Christmas, \r\nDa whole house was mella \r\nNot a creature was stirrin', \r\nCuz I had a gun unda my pilla. \r\n\r\nWhen up on da roof \r\nI heard somethin' pound, \r\nI sprung to da window, \r\nTo scream, \"YO! Keep it down!\" \r\n\r\n\r\nWhen what to my \r\nWonderin' eyes should appear, \r\nBut da Don of all elfs, \r\nAnd eight friggin' reindeer! \r\n\r\n\r\nWit' slicked back black hair, \r\nAnd a silk red suit, \r\nDon Santa wuz here, \r\nAnd he brought all da loot! \r\n\r\nWit' a slap to dare snouts, \r\nAnd a yank on dare manes, \r\nHe cursed and he shouted, \r\nAnd he called dem by name. \r\n\r\n\"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, \r\nYo Vinny, Yo Vito, \r\nAy Joey, Ay Paulie, \r\nAy Pepe, Ay Guido!\" \r\n\r\n\r\nAs I drew out my gun \r\nAnd hid by da bed, \r\nHe flew troo da winda \r\nAnd slapped me 'side da head. \r\n\r\n\"What da hell you doin' \r\nPullin' a gun on da Don? \r\nNow all you're gettin' is coal, \r\nYou friggin' moron!\" \r\n\r\nDen pointin' a fat finga \r\nRight unda my nose, \r\nHe twisted his pinky ring, \r\nAnd up da chimney he rose. \r\n\r\nHe sprang to his sleigh, \r\nObscenities screamin', \r\nAway dey all flew, \r\nBefore he troo dem a beatin' \r\n\r\nDen I heard him yell out, \r\nWhat I did least expect, \r\n\"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all, \r\nAnd yous better show some respect!\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 378,
"title": "Italian Christmas"
},
{
"body": "Did you get any under the tree? \r\nI think your balls are hanging too low. \r\nCheck out Rudolph's honker! \r\nSanta's sack is really bulging. \r\nLift up the skirt so I can get a whiff. \r\nDid you get a piece of the fruitcake? \r\nI love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy. \r\nFrom here you can't tell if they're artificial or real. \r\nCan I interest you in some dark meat? \r\nTo get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 380,
"title": "Dirty Things at Christmas"
},
{
"body": "A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. \r\nShe tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. \r\n\r\nFinally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. \r\n\r\nShe starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 381,
"title": "Blonde and a Horse"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, \"You have acute appendicitis.\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde yelled at the doctor, \"I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 382,
"title": "Appendicitis"
},
{
"body": "There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery. \r\nOne Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, \"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!\" \r\n\r\nWell, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.' \r\n\r\nThis seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age. \r\n\r\nA few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. \r\n\r\n\"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen.\" \r\n\r\nThe mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, \"I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 383,
"title": "New Priest"
},
{
"body": "A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son \r\n\r\n\r\n Dear Son,\r\n\r\n I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.\r\n\r\n This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.\r\n\r\n It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.\r\n\r\n The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.\r\n\r\n We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.\r\n\r\n About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.\r\n\r\n Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.\r\n\r\n Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.\r\n\r\n Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.\r\n\r\nLove, Ma",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 384,
"title": "Redneck Letter from Home"
},
{
"body": "40 Things Never Said By Southerners \r\n\r\n\r\n40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.\r\n39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.\r\n38. Duct tape won't fix that.\r\n37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.\r\n36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.\r\n35. We don't keep firearms in this house.\r\n34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?\r\n33. You can't feed that to the dog.\r\n32. I thought Graceland was tacky.\r\n31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.\r\n30. Wrasslin's fake.\r\n29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?\r\n28. We're vegetarians.\r\n27. Do you think my gut is too big?\r\n26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.\r\n25. Honey, we don't need another dog.\r\n24. Who's Richard Petty?\r\n23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.\r\n22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.\r\n21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.\r\n20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.\r\n19. Trim the fat off that steak.\r\n18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.\r\n17. The tires on that truck are too big.\r\n16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.\r\n15. I've got it all on the C drive.\r\n14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.\r\n13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?\r\n12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.\r\n11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.\r\n10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.\r\n09. Checkmate.\r\n08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.\r\n07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?\r\n06. Hey, here's an episode of \"Hee Haw\" that we haven't seen.\r\n05. I don't have a favorite college team.\r\n04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.\r\n03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.\r\n02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.\r\n01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 386,
"title": "Things"
},
{
"body": "One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: \"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.\" \r\n\r\nThe father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. \r\n\r\nThe next night, he heard his son praying again: \"God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.\" \r\n\r\nThe father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. \r\n\r\nReally scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: \"God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.\" \r\n\r\nNow the father was crapping in his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, \"Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 387,
"title": "A Child's Prayer"
},
{
"body": "There once was a set of twin alligators that grew up in the same bayou. One, however, was much larger and stronger than the other. \r\n\r\nOne day the twins were sitting there talking, and trying to figure out why one was so much bigger - since they were the same age, had the same genes, and grew up in the same place. The bigger alligator asked his smaller brother where he had been feeding. The smaller said, \"down in that parking lot at the end of the bayou, why?\". The bigger said, \"well, thats where I feed too, what's your technique?\" \r\n\r\nThe smaller then looked at him and said \"well, I go over to one of those lawyers cars, and hide up under it, when he comes out, I grab him, shake the shit out of him, and then eat him.\" \r\n\r\nThe larger then exclaimed, \"that's it! by the time you shake the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but the briefcase!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 389,
"title": "Alligators"
},
{
"body": "In a 4 story building there lived 4 people:\r\nOn the 1st floor lived a cop\r\nOn the 2nd floor lived a thief\r\nOn the 3rd floor lived a blind man\r\nOn the 4th floor lived a very clean woman that took alot of showers.\r\n\r\nOne day the woman on the 4th floor got into the shower. She heard a knock on the door. \"Who is it?\" she asked, \"It's the cop\". \r\n\r\nSo the woman pur her robe on and went to open the door. \"Wish me Mazel Tov!\" said the cop. The woman asked him why, and he said: \"Because I caught all the thiefs except one!\". She says Mazel Tov and goes back to the shower. \r\n\r\nShe heard another knock on the door. \"Who is it?\" she asked, \"It's the thief\". So the woman pur her robe on and went to open the door. \"Wish me Mazel Tov!\" said the thief. The woman asked him why, and he said: \"Because the cop caught all the thiefs exept me!\". She says Mazel Tov and goes back to the shower. \r\n\r\nAnother knock was heard, so she asked \"Who is it\" and the voice said \"It's the blind guy\", so she decides not to put on the robe and opens the door. The blind guy says \"Wish me Mazel Tov!\" and she asks \"Why?\" so he says: \"Because I CAN SEE!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 390,
"title": "4 Floors"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why do women fart less than men? \r\n\r\nA: Because they won't shut up long enough to\r\nbuild up pressure.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 391,
"title": "Pressure"
},
{
"body": "\"I never forget a face. However, in your case, I'll\r\nbe glad to make an exception.\"\r\n\r\n-Groucho Marx",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 393,
"title": "Faces"
},
{
"body": "Is your computer male of female? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., \"Steady as she goes\", or \"She's listing to starboard, Captain!\" Recently a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusions follow:\r\n\r\n1. No one but the creator understands their internal logic.\r\n\r\n2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.\r\n\r\n3. The message \"Bad command or file name\" is about as informative as \"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you.\"\r\n\r\n4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retieval.\r\n\r\n5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.\r\n\r\nHowever, another group of computer scientists (all female) claim that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:\r\n\r\n1. They have lots of data but are still clueless.\r\n\r\n2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.\r\n\r\n3. As soon as you commit to one you realise that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.\r\n\r\n4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.\r\n\r\n5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 395,
"title": "Mr. or Mrs. Computer"
},
{
"body": "Our lager, \r\nWhich art in barrels, \r\nHallowed be thy drink. \r\nThy will be drunk, \r\nI will be drunk, \r\nAt home as it is in the tavern. \r\nGive us this day our foamy head, \r\nAnd forgive us our spillages, \r\nAs we forgive those who spill against us. \r\nAnd lead us not to incarceration, \r\nBut deliver us from hangovers. \r\nFor thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 396,
"title": "Bar Prayer"
},
{
"body": "A well dressed man walks into a bar in a rather rough side of town. The bartender watches to make sure no fights break out with him.\r\nTo the bartenders suprise, the man starts hitting his hand like hes dialing a telephone. He puts his hand to his ear and starts talking.\r\nThe bartender goes over to him and says, \"What are you crazy? People see you doing that, they'll kick your ass.\"\r\nThe man replies, \"No, no it's the state of the art telephone built into my hand. Here have a look.\"\r\nThe bartender has a nice chat with his mom on the mans hand and says, \"wow, that's impressive.\" Then goes back to work. \r\n10 minutes later the man goes into the bathroom and a bunch of gang-bangers go in after him. The gang leaves laughing and the man is nowhere to be seen. \r\nHorrified to what he might find he runs into the bathroom and sees the man spread eagle out on the floor with a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.\r\nThe bartender asks, \"Are you OK? What did they do??\"\r\nThe man replies, \"Huh? Oh, don't worry. I'm just waiting for a fax.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 397,
"title": "Man and his Technology"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. \r\nThe bartender screams at the guy, \"Did you see what your monkey just did?\" The guy says, \"No, what?\" \"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!\", says the bartender. \"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,\" replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.\" He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. \r\nTwo weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. \r\nThe bartender is disgusted. \"Did you see what your monkey did now?\", he asks. \r\n\"Now what?\", responds the patron. \r\n\"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!\" says the barkeeper. \r\n\"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,\" replied the patron. \"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 398,
"title": "Hungry Monkey"
},
{
"body": "What do you call an honest lawyer?\r\n\r\nAn oxymoron.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 399,
"title": "Honest Lawyer"
},
{
"body": "A man goes into a bar. He sits down and starts staring at a young punk with spiked red hair, multicolored clothes, and an earring.\r\nThe punk gets mad turns around and says, \"Hey old man, what are you looking at?\"\r\nThe old man says, \"Nothing, it's just that when I was in the army, I got really drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 402,
"title": "Punk and Old Man."
},
{
"body": "So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this \"Ladies Night Club.\" \r\nOne of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. \r\nThe \"dancer\" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek. \r\nNot to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek. \r\nStill attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? \r\nI got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 403,
"title": "Ladies Club"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on. \r\nThe woman reporter shouted out \"This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!\". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, \"I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!\" The blonde responds back \"That's a bet you have there!\". \r\nSo, both of the women stared at the news waiting to know what's gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said \"I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', I knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff.\" \r\nAnd the blonde says \"Well, I did too! But I never would have thought that the man would do it again!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 404,
"title": "The Bet"
},
{
"body": "A brunette, blonde and a redhead walk into a bar.\r\n\r\nThe bartender tells them there is a magic mirror in the back room and if you stand in front of it and say something you think that's true you'll get something nice. But if you lie you'll be sucked in, never to be heard from again.\r\n\r\nThe brunette says, \"I think I am the prettiest person in the bar,\" and she gets a brand new Corvette.\r\n\r\nThe redhead says, \"I think I am the smartest person in the bar,\" and she gets 1 million dollars.\r\n\r\nThe blonde says, \"I think---\" And she disappeared.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 405,
"title": "Magical Mirror"
},
{
"body": "Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?\r\n\r\n\r\nA: The old drunk of course; the other three are mythical creatures.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 406,
"title": "100 Dollar Bill"
},
{
"body": "One day a group of eminent scientists got together and decided that mankind had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.\r\n\r\nThe scientist walked up to God and said, \"God, we've decided that we no longer nee You. We're at the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, sop why don't You just retire?\"\r\n\r\nGod listened very patiently to the man and then said, \"Very well, but first, how about this: Let's have a man-making contest.\"\r\n\r\nTo which the scientist replied, \"Okay, great!\" But God added, \"Now we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.\"\r\n\r\nThe scientist said \"Sure, no problem!\" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.\r\n\r\nGod looked at him and said, \"No, no, no. You got to get your own dirt!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 408,
"title": "God v. Scientists"
},
{
"body": "Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 409,
"title": "Definition of Diplomacy"
},
{
"body": "There were three blondes living together. Blonde #1 was coming back from grocery shopping, and she dropped her keys. She walked down the stairs to get them, and she said to herself, \"Am I going up the stairs or down the stairs?\" So she stood there puzzled, the bags of groceries still in her hands.\r\n\r\nBlonde #2 was taking a bath, and was draining the tub because it was too cold. With her hair still dry she said to herself, \"Was I getting in the tub or out of the tub?\" She stood there, just thinking about it.\r\n\r\nBlonde #3 was sitting in the living room in front of the coffee table, and she said to herself, \"Knock on wood I'm not as stupid as the other two!\" She knocked on the table. \"Was that the front door or the back door?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 410,
"title": "Three Blondes..."
},
{
"body": "Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?\r\n\r\nA: Because it had no body to go with.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 411,
"title": "Lone Bones"
},
{
"body": "Q: What does a fish use to get high?\r\n\r\nA: Seaweed!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 412,
"title": "Fish says, \"Duuuuude!\""
},
{
"body": "A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church, the husband, as always, fell asleep. \r\n\r\n\"Who created the earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?\" the preacher asked. The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, \"Oh, my God!\" The preacher said \"That's correct.\" And the husband sat down mumbling to himself. He soon fell asleep again.\r\n\r\nThe preacher got to the question, \"Who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?\" The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, \"Jesus Christ!\" The preacher said, \"Right again.\" With this, the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife. \r\n\r\n\"What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?\" the preacher asked. The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, \"If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm gonna break it in half!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 413,
"title": "And God Created A Sleeping Man"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?\r\n\r\nA: In the end, someone's gonna lose a trailer.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 414,
"title": "Tornado and Redneck Divorce"
},
{
"body": "A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.\r\n\r\n\"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. That's when I made my mistake.\"\r\n\r\n\"What did you do?\" asks the doctor.\r\n\r\n\"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 415,
"title": "A Golfer Goes to the Emergency Room"
},
{
"body": "Little Nancy was in the backyard filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the girl was up to he asks, \"What are you up to there Nancy?\"\r\n\r\n\"My goldfish died,\" replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, \"and I've just buried him.\"\r\n\r\nThe neighbour was concerned, \"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?\"\r\n\r\nNancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, \"That's because he's inside your f*****g cat!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 416,
"title": "Little Nancy's Pet"
},
{
"body": "Prison v. Work\r\n\r\nIn prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' by 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' by 8' cubicle.\r\n\r\nIn prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.\r\n\r\nIn prison you get time off for good behaviour. At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.\r\n\r\nIn prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.\r\n\r\nIn prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.\r\n\r\nIn prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.\r\n\r\nIn prison you get your own loot. At work you have to share.\r\n\r\nIn prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.\r\n\r\nIn prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.\r\n\r\nIn prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.\r\n\r\nIn prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.\r\n\r\nIn prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.....\r\n\r\nAt work we have managers.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 417,
"title": "Prison v. Work"
},
{
"body": "The true meanings of some common male phrases:\r\n\r\n \"I'm going fishing.\"\r\nReally means... \"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.\"\r\n\r\n\"It's a guy thing.\"\r\nReally means... \"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.\"\r\n\r\n\"Can I help with dinner?\"\r\nReally means... \"Why isn't it already on the table?\"\r\n\r\n\"Uh huh,\" \"Sure, honey,\" or \"Yes, dear.\"\r\nReally means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.\r\n\r\n\"It would take too long to explain.\"\r\nReally means... \"I have no idea how it works.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm getting more exercise lately.\"\r\nReally means... \"The batteries in the remote are dead.\"\r\n\r\n\"We're going to be late.\"\r\nReally means... \"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.\"\r\n\r\n\"Take a break honey, you're working too hard.\"\r\nReally means... \"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's interesting dear.\"\r\nReally means... \"Are you still talking?\"\r\n\r\n\"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.\"\r\nReally means... \"I forgot our anniversary again.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's women's work.\"\r\nReally means... \"It's difficult, dirty and thankless.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 418,
"title": "Translating Male Phrases"
},
{
"body": "More male phrases explained:\r\n\r\n\"You know how bad my memory is.\"\r\nReally means... \"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal.\"\r\nReally means... \"I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.\"\r\n\r\n\"I do help around the house.\"\r\nReally means... \"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.\"\r\n\r\n\"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.\"\r\nReally means... \"I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon.\"\r\n\r\n\"I can't find it.\"\r\nReally means... \"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.\"\r\n\r\n\"What did I do this time?\"\r\nReally means... \"What did you catch me doing?\"\r\n\r\n\"I heard you.\"\r\nReally means... \"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at me.\"\r\n\r\n\"You look terrific.\"\r\nReally means.. \"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.\"\r\n\r\n\"I missed you.\"\r\nReally means... \"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we're out of toilet paper.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.\"\r\nReally means... \"I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't need to read the instructions.'\r\nReally means... \"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 419,
"title": "Translating Male Phrases 2"
},
{
"body": "Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded the younger birds.\r\n\r\n\"You turkeys are always into mischief,\" she gobbled. \"If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 420,
"title": "Thanksgiving"
},
{
"body": "The bartender at our golf club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honour of one of the members.\r\n\r\nEvery time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 421,
"title": "Lilac Crazy"
},
{
"body": "A teacher is writing a problem on the blackboard when she turns around and says, \"If you are stupid, please stand up.\" \r\nAfter a while, a student stands up and says,\"I really don't think I'm stupid, but I feel bad for you standing there by yourself.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 422,
"title": "\"Smart\" Teacher"
},
{
"body": "A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.\r\n\r\n\"How did this happen?\" the emergency room doctor asked her. \r\n\r\n\"Well, I was trying to commit suicide,\" the blonde replied. \r\n\r\n\"What?\" sputtered the doctor. \"You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?\" \r\n\r\n\"No, Silly!\" the blonde said. \"First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.\" \r\n\r\n\"So then?\" asked the doctor. \r\n\r\n\"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.\" \r\n\r\n\"So then?\" \r\n\r\n\"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 423,
"title": "Suicidal Blonde"
},
{
"body": "Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes car to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.\r\n\r\nJan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.\r\n\r\nFive minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, \"Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!\"\r\n\r\n\"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" she said, \"I did better than that! I got the license plate number!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 424,
"title": "Stolen Car"
},
{
"body": "There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all the states and capitals. \r\n\r\nThat night when he got home he told his joke. She says, \"I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me.\" \r\n\r\nHe thought for a moment and asked, \"What is the capital of Massachusetts?\" \r\n\r\nShe quickly replied, \"M.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 425,
"title": "Capitals"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.\r\n\r\nShe went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, \"I've kidnapped you.\"\r\n\r\nShe then wrote a note saying, \"I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10, 000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.\r\n\r\nThe next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.\r\n\r\nThe blonde opened the bag and found the $10, 000 with a note that said, \"How could you do this to a fellow blonde?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 426,
"title": "The Kidnapping"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was swerving all over the road, driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.\r\n\r\nThe cop walked up to her window and asked, \"Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde said, \"I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!\"\r\n\r\nThe cop looked at her and said, \"Lady, that's your air freshener.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 427,
"title": "Blonde Driving"
},
{
"body": "The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, \"You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?\"\r\nThe driver is understandably hesitant and says, \"I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that.\"\r\nBut the Pope persists, \"Please?\"\r\nThe driver finally lets up, \"Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope.\"\r\nSo the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.\r\nCop: Chief, I have a problem.\r\nChief: What sort of problem?\r\nCop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.\r\nChief: Important like the mayor?\r\nCop: No, no, much more important than that.\r\nChief: Important like the governor?\r\nCop: Way more important than that.\r\nChief: Like the president?\r\nCop: Much more important.\r\nChief: \"Who's more important than the president?\"\r\nCop: \"I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 428,
"title": "The Pope Driving"
},
{
"body": "Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. \r\n\r\n\"Help, help!\" yelled one of the blondes. \r\n\r\n\"Help us, help us!\" yelled the other. \r\n\r\n\"Maybe it would help if we yelled together,\" said the first blonde. \r\n\r\n\"Good idea,\" said the other. \r\n\r\n\"Together, together!\" they yelled.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 429,
"title": "Fire!"
},
{
"body": "My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 430,
"title": "Complaining Wife"
},
{
"body": "What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?\r\n\r\nPull the pin and throw it back.\r\n\r\n\r\nWhat do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?\r\n\r\nRun like hell! She's got a grenade in her mouth!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 431,
"title": "Blond and Grenades"
},
{
"body": "There's a blonde and a brunette working for a painting company. They need to paint the yellow lines on a road by hand for the city since the trucks are broken.\r\nThe first day the blonde paints 5.4 miles of road, the brunette paints 6 miles of road.\r\nThe second day the blonde paints 4.1 miles of road, the brunette paints 6.7 miles of road.\r\nThe third day the blonde paints 2.9 miles of road, the brunette paints 6.9 miles of road.\r\nWorried about the blonde, the supervisor goes to the blonde and asks why she is painting less and less road each day. \r\nShe replies, \"The bucket just keeps getting further and further away.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 432,
"title": "Line Painters"
},
{
"body": "A blonde wanted to sell her car but failed many times. Even though the car looked pratically new it had over 400 000 miles on it. So she goes to a bar and theres a brunette sitting a few barstools away and she's wearing mechanic's overalls. They start talking and the blonde tells the brunette her problems. The brunette feels sorry for her.\r\nThe brunette says, \"Well I'm a mechanic. I can help you sell your car but it's not legal.\"\r\nThe blonde says she'll do whatever it takes.\r\nThe brunette says, \"Well I can change your odometer back to 40 000 miles and it'll be easier to sell.\"\r\nThe blonde agrees and gives the brunette her keys.\r\nSo the brunette takes the car back to her garage and sets back the counter. Then the next morning returns the car.\r\nA week later they run into each other and the brunette asks the blonde if she sold her car.\r\nThe blonde says, \"Why would I sell my car?? It only has 40 000 miles on it.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 433,
"title": "Selling a Car"
},
{
"body": "On her birthday, a blonde was given a fishing rod. She decides to use the gift on the weekend and have a good time, so she goes and buys fishing gear and sets out. She goes to what she thinks is a nice fishing spot and drills a hole, then puts her rod in.\r\nShe hears a man say, \"There is no fish in there.\"\r\nSo she goes someplace else and drills and puts her rod in.\r\nThen hears a man say in an irritated tone, \"There is no fish in there.\"\r\nSo she repeats the process a third time and again hears the man tell her, \"There is no fish in there.\"\r\nAngry, the blonde gets up and faces the man and says, \"How do you know there is no fish in there?\"\r\nThe man replies, \"This is an ice hockey rink.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 434,
"title": "Ice Fishing"
},
{
"body": "People say you are the perfect idiot. I say you are not perfect, but you are doing pretty good.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 437,
"title": "Perfect Idiot"
},
{
"body": "A pirate walks into a bar and has a seat. The bartender notices the pirates peg-leg, eyepatch and hook for a hand.\r\nThe bartender and the pirate start talking and the bartender casually slips in the question of how the pirate lost his leg.\r\nThe pirate says, \"I fell overboard and a shark bit my leg off.\"\r\nThey talk more and the bartender asks how the pirate got the hook.\r\nThe pirate says, \"We were boarded by enemy pirates and they cut off my hand before running away.\r\nThey talk some more and the bartender finally asks how the pirate got his eyepatch.\r\nThe pirate said, \"A seagull crapped in my eye.\"\r\nThe bartender says, \"Wow! You lost your eye to seagull poo in your eye?\"\r\nThe pirate says, \"Well no... it was my first day with the hook.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 438,
"title": "Pirate"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar and has a few drinks. The bartender gives him the bill but the man has left his wallet at home. So the man tells the bartender he paid already.\r\nThe bartender says, \"If you say you paid I believe you.\"\r\nThe man leaves and sees a co-worker on the other side of the bar. He tells the co-worker the bartender can't keep track of who paid and who hasn't.\r\nThe co-worker drinks some more and gets the bill.\r\nThe co-worker says, \"But I've paid already.\"\r\nThe bartender says, \"Well I guess you could of. I believe you.\"\r\nThe co-worker leaves and sees an old friend of his on the street. The co-worker tells the friend about the nice little scam in the bar.\r\nThe friend goes in the bar and drinks alot. The bartender talks to the friend and tells him, \"You know, 2 guys came in here earlier claiming they paid. The next guy who tries that is gonna get punched in the face.\"\r\nThe friend says, \"Don't bother me with your problems. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 440,
"title": "Paying the Bill"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar and has a lot of drinks. He gets completely wasted. He mentions to the bartender that he has his girlfriend sitting in his new corvette outside so she can drive him home. \r\n\r\nWhile the bartender went outside to throw out the garbage he notices a corvette with a man and a woman making out in it. He goes back into the bar and tells the man to go check on his girl.\r\n\r\nThe man leaves and comes back laughing and staggering a few minutes later.\r\n\r\nConfused the bartender asks what is so funny.\r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"My friend Bobby is so wasted he thinks he's me!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 441,
"title": "The Girlfriend"
},
{
"body": "Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. \r\nOne blonde yells to the other, \"How do you get to the other side?\" \r\n\r\n\"You are on the other side,\" the other blonde yells back.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 443,
"title": "A Side Order of Blondes"
},
{
"body": "Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: \"Disneyland Left.\" \r\n\r\nSo they went home.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 444,
"title": "Adventures in Disneyland"
},
{
"body": "A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. \r\nExcited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: \"Justice prevailed.\" \r\n\r\nThe senior partner replied in haste, \"Appeal immediately.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 446,
"title": "Justice Prevailed"
},
{
"body": "Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? \r\n\r\nHe threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 447,
"title": "747 Full of Lawers"
},
{
"body": "A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. \r\nThe two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. \r\n\r\nThe parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, \"Where is God?\" \r\n\r\nThe boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, \"Where is God?\" \r\n\r\nAgain the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, \"WHERE IS GOD?\" \r\n\r\nAt that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, \"What happened?\" \r\n\r\nThe younger brother replied, \"We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 448,
"title": "Where is God?"
},
{
"body": "A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. \r\n\"I'm free, I'm free!\" he shouted. \r\n\r\n\"So what,\" said a little girl. \"I'm four.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 449,
"title": "And in a Year I'll be Five."
},
{
"body": "During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.\r\n\r\nAfter trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.\r\n\r\nWorkers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 451,
"title": "Boats."
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?\r\n\r\nDid you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the \"Vacant\" sign up?\r\n\r\nDid you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?\r\n\r\nDid you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 453,
"title": "A Few Jokes"
},
{
"body": "A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.\r\n\r\nThe old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks \"What kind of car ya got there, sonny?\".\r\n\r\nThe dude replies \"A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's a lotta money!\" says the old man, shocked. \"Why does it cost so much?\"\r\n\r\n\"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!\" states the cool dude proudly.\r\n\r\nThe old man asks \"Can I take a look inside?\"\r\n\r\n\"Sure\" replies the owner.\r\n\r\nSo the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says \"That's a pretty nice car, alright!\"\r\n\r\nJust then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!\r\n\r\nWhhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!\r\n\r\nThe guy wonders \"what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?\" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.\r\n\r\nWhooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!\r\n\r\nWhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.\r\n\r\nThe guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks \"You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?\"\r\n\r\nThe old man replies \"Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 455,
"title": "The Turbo Beepbeep"
},
{
"body": "GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS DETROIT-- \r\n\r\nWith third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's 1997 cars.\r\n\r\n\"Auto accidents have never been so exciting,\" said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. \"When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year's worth of free Mobile gasoline.\"\r\n\r\nThough it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. \"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'\" said Cincinnati's Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck.\r\n\r\n\"When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!\" \r\n\r\n\"It's really addictive,\" said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung.\r\n\r\n\"I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills me!\" Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.\r\n\r\nGM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. \"In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal,\" GM CEO Paul Offerman said. \"But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could mean serious cash.\r\n\r\n\"Who wouldn't like that?\" Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000.\r\n\r\nStatistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly worse. \"If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion.\"\r\n\r\nFurther, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will inflate. \"I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier,\" said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. \"My car was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just wrong.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 456,
"title": "Car Airbags"
},
{
"body": "Don't steal. The government hates competition.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 457,
"title": "Stealing"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of\r\nwaterskis?\r\n\r\nShe's still looking for a lake with a slope!!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 459,
"title": "Skiing"
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between men and\r\ngovernment bonds?\r\n\r\nThe bonds mature. Eventually.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 460,
"title": "Government vs. Men"
},
{
"body": "Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, \"We don't serve your kind in here.\" One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, \"Why not? We're cultured individuals.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 461,
"title": "Yogurt"
},
{
"body": "Why is the word abbreviation so long?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 462,
"title": "Abbr."
},
{
"body": "Great Thinkers of Our Time?\r\n\r\nQuestion: If you could live forever, would you and why?\r\n\r\nAnswer: \"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.\"\r\n-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest\r\n\r\n\"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.\"\r\n-- Mariah Carey\r\n\r\n\"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.\"\r\n-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22\r\n\r\n\"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.\"\r\n-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations\r\nthat he failed to pay his taxes.\r\n\r\n\"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.\"\r\n-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign\r\n\r\n\"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my\r\nbody.\"\r\n-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward\r\n\r\n\"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.\"\r\n-- Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.\r\n\r\n\"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.\"\r\n-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks\r\n\r\n\"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.\"\r\n-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed\r\ndocuments\r\n\r\n\"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.\"\r\n-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle\r\n\r\n\"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a\r\njackass, and I'm just the one to do it.\"\r\n-- A congressional candidate in Texas\r\n\r\n\"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.\"\r\n-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots\r\n\r\n\"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away\r\nfrom them. There were great numbers of people who needed new\r\nland, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for\r\nthemselves.\"\r\n-- John Wayne\r\n\r\n\"Half this game is ninety percent mental.\"\r\n-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark\r\n\r\n\"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the\r\nimpurities in our air and water that are doing it.\"\r\n-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle\r\n\r\n\"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the\r\npublic mind.\"\r\n-- General William Westmoreland\r\n\r\n\"It's like changing the rules in the middle of the stream.\"\r\n-- Rev. Jesse Jackson\r\n\r\n\"I don't know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me, except maybe everyone else in America.\"\r\n-- President William Jefferson Clinton\r\n\r\n\"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.\"\r\n-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle\r\n\r\n\"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.\"\r\n-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin\r\n\r\n\"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.\"\r\n-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle\r\n\r\nAnd in 2000, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the\r\nRepublicans would definitely nominate someone this time who\r\nwould beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again...\r\n\r\n-Credit to Net3Media and my friend who forwarded the email to me.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 463,
"title": "Great Thinkers of Our Time"
},
{
"body": "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 464,
"title": "Grandma"
},
{
"body": "If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 465,
"title": "Cross-Country"
},
{
"body": "I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 466,
"title": "I Don't Exercise..."
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question: \r\n \r\n\"How many D's are there in \"INDIANA JONES?\" \r\nThe brunette thinks for a second and responds \"One.\" \r\n \r\nThe interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates. \r\n \r\nThe redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: \"How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES?\" \r\nShe immediately says \"One.\" The interviewer says, \"OK, we'll let you know.\" \r\n \r\nThen the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: \"How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES?\" \r\nShe gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: \"2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm \u00ef\u00bf\u00bd wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?\" \r\n \r\nAfter going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: \"Thirty two\" \r\n\r\nThe interviewer is stunned and asks her: \"Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?\" \r\n\r\n\"Simple... Daaaa da da daaaa daaaa da daaaa... Daaaa da da daaa daa da daaaa da da... sing along now you remember it\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 467,
"title": "Indiana Jones"
},
{
"body": "The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper: \r\n\r\n\"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.\" Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof. \r\n\r\nOne student, however, wrote the following: \r\n\r\nFirst, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. \r\n\r\nWith birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. \r\n\r\nThis gives two possibilities: \r\n\r\n1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. \r\n2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. \r\n\r\nSo which is it? \r\n\r\nIf we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that \"it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you\" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic. \r\n\r\nThis student got the only A.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 468,
"title": "Theory on Hell"
},
{
"body": "A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, \"Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, \"Gimme another one.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender pours the drink but says, \"Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?\" \r\n\r\nThe man begins his tale. \"Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true.\" \r\n\r\nHe continues, \"She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes. But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door.\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde says, 'Oh, my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!' \r\n\r\nI opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but I figured that he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me...\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender says, \"Well, I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open, and he yells, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?' \r\n\r\nThe girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.' \r\n\r\nWell, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' \r\n\r\nI think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' \r\n\r\nBut by now the blonde is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time. I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender says, \"Oh man, that would have pissed me off for sure.\" \r\n\r\n\"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold this glass.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, \"Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset.\" \r\n\r\n\"No, that wasn't what really pissed me off.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender then asks in exasperation, \"Well, then, what did finally piss you off?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 469,
"title": "Pissed Off"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. \r\n\r\nOne snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. \r\n\r\nThere stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. \r\n\r\nWho was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.) \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThe perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nSo, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, it illustrates another point: Women never listen either.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 470,
"title": "Perfection"
},
{
"body": "Two nuns go out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. \r\n\r\nSL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour? \r\n\r\nSM: Yes, I wonder what he wants. \r\n\r\nSL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. \r\n\r\nSM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do? \r\n\r\nSL: The only logical thing to do of course is to start walking faster. \r\n\r\nSM: It is not working. \r\n\r\nSL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too. \r\n\r\nSM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. \r\n\r\nSL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. \r\n\r\nSo they split up and the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives. \r\n\r\nSM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened! \r\n\r\nSL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me. \r\n\r\nSM: So, what happened? Please tell us. \r\n\r\nSL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could. \r\n\r\nSM: So what happened? \r\n\r\nSL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could. \r\n\r\nSM: And what else? \r\n\r\nSL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me. \r\n\r\nSM: Oh, no! What did you do then? \r\n\r\nSL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. \r\n\r\nSM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do? \r\n\r\nSL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. \r\n\r\nSM: Oh, no! What happened then? \r\n\r\nSL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down...",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 471,
"title": "Sisters"
},
{
"body": "A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. \r\n\r\nThe old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, \"Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer cannot take that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?\" \r\n\r\nThe wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses for a moment longer and then confesses, \"Yes. Yes, he did.\" \r\n\r\nThe old man is very shaken. The reality of what his wife had done hit him harder than he had expected. \r\n\r\nWith a tear in his eye, he asks, \"Who? Who was he? Who was the father?\" \r\n\r\nAgain, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. \r\n\r\nFinally, she says, \"You.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 472,
"title": "The Different Son"
},
{
"body": "Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, is never\r\nlazy. He's always \r\nhard at work in his cubicle. Bob is always\r\nworking independently, without \r\nwasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never \r\nthinks twice about assisting fellow employees.\r\nHe is great. \r\nHis assignments are always\r\non time, never\r\nlate.\r\nYou should hire him. \r\nOften, Bob skips \r\nhis coffee breaks to compelte his\r\nwork.\r\nHe has worked dillegently.\r\nBob is an individual who has absolutely no \r\nvanity in spite of his high accomplishments and \r\nknowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classified as worthy employee, and cannot be \r\ndispensed with. \r\nConsequently, I duly recommend that Bob should be \r\npromoted, and a proposal will be \r\nexecuted as soon as possible. \r\n\r\nRegards, \r\nProject Leader \r\n\r\nKEEP READING... \r\n\r\nShortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader: \r\n\r\nSorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment. \r\n\r\nRegards, \r\nProject Leader",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 473,
"title": "Letter of Recommendation"
},
{
"body": "The following is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations: \r\n\r\n#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. \r\n\r\n#2: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to south to avoid a collision. \r\n\r\n#1: This is the captain of a U. S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. \r\n\r\n#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. \r\n\r\n#1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE U. S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! \r\n\r\n#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 474,
"title": "Naval Operations"
},
{
"body": "Titanic Video vs Clinton Video \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70 percent. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. \r\nCLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 477,
"title": "Clinton V Titanic"
},
{
"body": "In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. \r\n\r\nAs the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! \r\n\r\nSo, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step. \r\n\r\nAbout this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. \r\n\r\nWell, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, \"How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!\" \r\n\r\nAt this the Texan drawled \"Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 480,
"title": "The Bus Stop"
},
{
"body": "A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. \"Well,\" he said, \"I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's \"the\" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.\" The young man makes his purchase and leaves. \r\n\r\nLater that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, \"You never told me that you were such a religious person.\"\r\n\r\nHe leans over to her and says, \"You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 482,
"title": "The Pharmacist"
},
{
"body": "Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. \r\n\r\n\"Jake,\" she said. \r\n\r\n\"Hush,\" he quickly interrupted, \"don't talk.\" But she insisted. \r\n\r\n\"Jake,\" she said in her tired voice. \"I have to talk. I must confess.\" \r\n\r\n\"There is nothing to confess,\" said the weeping Jake. \"It's all right. Everything's all right.\" \r\n\r\n\"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you.\" \r\n\r\nJake stroked her hand. \"Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it\", he sobbed. \"Why else would I poison you?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 485,
"title": "Deathbed Confession"
},
{
"body": "One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk. \r\n\r\nShe tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter. \r\n\r\nThree years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she \r\ncooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives him all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it. \"Fair enough,\" says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic. \r\n\r\nOn their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. \"Honey,\" he says, \"we've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had a heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk?\" The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great sex. \"I don't care,\" he tells her. \"After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this goddamn trunk!\" \r\n\r\nSo, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside is three ears of corn and 25 thousand dollars in cash. \r\n\r\n\"Jesus Christ!\" shouts the surprised husband. \"What's going on here? Where did all of this come from?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, sweetie,\" replies the wife, \"you said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk.\" \r\n\r\nThe husband cannot believe the shocking confession that he has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, \"All right, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three incidents of infidelity in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" she replies, \"whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 486,
"title": "The Steamer Trunk"
},
{
"body": "Dear Mr. Conners, \r\n\r\nThank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company. \r\n\r\nThis year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. \r\n\r\nDespite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. \r\n\r\nSincerely, \r\n\r\nXXXXXXXX",
"category": "College",
"id": 487,
"title": "Acceptance Upon Rejection"
},
{
"body": "A married man and his secretary are having an affair. They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking. They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8 o'clock that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass. The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.\r\n\r\nThe man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.\r\n\r\nThe husband replies, \"I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep. That's why I'm late!\"\r\n\r\nThe wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, \"I see those grass stains all over your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 488,
"title": "The Affair"
},
{
"body": "A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog. \r\n\r\nThe physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, \"Hippocrates, come!\" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. \r\n\r\nThe architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, \"Sliderule, come!\" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie. \r\n\r\nThe attorney watched the other two dogs, and called \"Bullshit, come!\" Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately screwed the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 490,
"title": "Extraordinary Dogs"
},
{
"body": "2 women were playing golf. On the third hole there were 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway. The first woman said, \"I'll tee off, he is far enough away.\" She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the farway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned he was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs. \r\n\r\nShe ran to him, apologizing and saying, \"Let me help I am a physical therapist.\" He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him. \r\n\r\n\"How does that feel?\" she asked. He said, \"Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 491,
"title": "FORE!"
},
{
"body": "Two beautiful statues were in a park, facing each other across the grass, one of a young girl and the other of a young man, looking towards each other like young lovers. These statues gave so much pleasure to people visiting the park that God looked down and decided to reward them with life for 30 minutes, on a Sunday when the park was closed to the public. \r\n\r\nImmediately when they came alive, they ran together into the bushes and could be heard giggling and cooing with pleasure and the bushes were shaking. After 15 minutes they came out and realised that they still had 15 minutes more life to live. \r\n\r\n\"What shall we do now then,\" said the boy statue. \"Let's do the same thing again,\" she replied. \"Okay,\" said the boy statue, \"but this time, you hold the pidgeons down while I shit on them.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 492,
"title": "Let There Be Life"
},
{
"body": "During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. \r\n\r\nA single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, \"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.\" \r\n\r\nThe agent replied, \"I'm sorry sir. I''ll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we''ll be able to work something out.\" \r\n\r\nThe passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, \"Do you have any idea who I am?\" \r\n\r\nWithout hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. \"May I have your attention please?\" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. \"We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.\" \r\n\r\nWith the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore \"F_ _k you.\" \r\n\r\nWithout flinching, she smiled and said, \"I'm sorry, sir, but you''ll have to stand in line for that, too.\" \r\n\r\nThe man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 493,
"title": "Fly the Friendly Skies"
},
{
"body": "A manager in a big company needed to contact one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered voice on the first ring, \"Hello?\" \r\n\r\n\"Is your Daddy home?\" the boss quickly asked. \"Yes\", whispered the small voice. \"May I talk with him?\" the man asked, feeling somewhat put-off by this delay. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, \"No.\" \r\n\r\nWanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, \"Is your Mommy there?\" \"Yes\", came the answer. \"May I talk with her?\" Again the small voice whispered, \"No.\" \r\n\r\n\"Son, is there any one there besides you?\" the boss impatiently asked the child. \"Yes\", whispered the child, \"A policeman.\" \r\n\r\nWondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, \"May I speak with the policeman?\" \"No, he's busy\", whispered the child. \"Busy doing what?\" asked the boss. \"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman\", came the whispered answer. \r\n\r\nGrowing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, \"What is that noise?\" \"A hello-copper.\", answered the whispering voice. \"What is going on there?\" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed voice the child answered, \"The police just landed the hello-copper!\" \r\n\r\nAlarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, \"Why are they there?\" \r\n\r\nAfter a muffled giggle, the young voice replied in a very low whisper, \"They're looking for me!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 494,
"title": "Where is He?"
},
{
"body": "One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. \r\n\r\nTwo attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. \r\n\r\nLater the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. \r\n\r\nThey ask,\"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?\" \r\n\r\n\"It's pretty nice,\" she replies. \"Except they won't let you fart.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 495,
"title": "The Perfect Nursing Home"
},
{
"body": "Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, \"Man, that's a deep hole!\" \r\n\r\nThinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. They pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with its head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast! \r\n\r\nThe two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, \"Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!\"\r\n\r\nSo they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened. \r\n\r\n\"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?\", one of the men asked. The farmer replies, \"Yeah, why do you ask?\" The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat. \r\n\r\nThe farmer said, \"Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat was really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I had him tied to this big, old cinder block.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 496,
"title": "The Bottomless Hole"
},
{
"body": "A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. \r\n\r\nThe vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, \"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.\" \r\n\r\nThe man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black labrodour retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, \"I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.\" \r\n\r\nThe man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, \"$650.\" \r\n\r\n\"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?\" exclaims the man. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" the vet replies, \"I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 497,
"title": "Vet Bill"
},
{
"body": "One dark night in hell, the Devil, bent upon his ultimate revenge, determined to become a computer programmer. \r\n\r\nSecretly he pored over main pages, Microsoft press releases, and hex dumps of the renowned SATAN program, until, satisfied that he was master of the unclean craft, he began to work his mischief. \r\n\r\nLounging near the back gate to heaven, he remarked to Jesus that there were some things the Devil could do better than God. Perl programming, for instance. \r\n\r\nThe Savior, knowing something was afoot, but unwilling to let the slight go unchallenged, suggested a programming contest to last from sunrise to sunset, to see who could solve the halting problem in the fewest lines of Perl code, with God Almighty as the judge. \r\n\r\nSparks flew from the keyboard, and a sublime glow emanated from the monitor of the Prince of Darkness and the Prince of Peace, respectively, until five minutes before sunset, when a bolt of lightning flashed and the computers went dead. \r\n\r\nA few minutes later God arrived and asked for the results. The Devil fumed and complained bitterly, as he had lost the whole day's work. \r\n\r\nJesus fared considerably better and won the contest because, as everyone knows, Jesus saves.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 498,
"title": "Perl Code"
},
{
"body": "On a Septic Tank Truck sign:\r\n\"We're #1 in the #2 business.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nSign over a Gynaecologist?s Office:\r\n\"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAt a Proctologist's door:\r\n \"To expedite your visit please back in.\"\r\n **************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOn a Plumber's truck:\r\n\"We repair what your husband fixed.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAt a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:\r\n\"Invite us to your next blowout.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOn a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:\r\n\"Hello. Can we pick your nose?\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOn an Electrician's truck:\r\n\"Let us remove your shorts.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIn a Non-smoking Area:\r\n\"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAt an Optometrist's Office:\r\n\"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOn a Taxidermist's window:\r\n\"We really know our stuff.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIn a Podiatrist's office:\r\n\"Time wounds all heels.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOn a Fence:\r\n\"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOutside a Muffler Shop:\r\n\"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIn a Veterinarian's waiting room:\r\n\"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAt the Electric Company:\r\n\"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIn a Restaurant window:\r\n\"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIn the front yard of a Funeral Home:\r\n\"Drive carefully. We'll wait.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAt a Propane Filling Station:\r\n\"Tank heaven for little grills.\"\r\n**************************\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnd don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:\r\n\"Best place in town to take a leak.\"\r\n**************************",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 499,
"title": "The Ultimate Collection of Signs"
},
{
"body": "A little girl and her mother were out and about when, out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, \"Mommy, How old are you?\" \r\nThe mother responded, \"Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.\" \r\n\r\nThe girl then asked, \"Mommy, how much do you weigh?\" \r\nHer mother responded again, \"That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up.\" \r\n\r\nThe girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, \"Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?\" \r\n\r\nThe mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, \"Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now.\" \r\n\r\nThe little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. \r\n\r\nThe girlfriend said, \"All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.\" \r\n\r\nLater, the little girl and her mother were out and about again. \r\nThe little girl started off with, \"Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, I know how old you are. You're 32 years old.\" \r\nThe mother was very shocked. She asked, \"Sweetheart, how do you know that?\" \r\n\r\nThe little girl shrugged and said, \"I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.\" \r\n\r\n\"Where did you learn that?\" \r\n\r\nThe little girl said, \"I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 500,
"title": "How Old Are You?"
},
{
"body": "A phone rings at KGB headquarters. \r\n\r\n\"Hello?\" \r\n\r\n\"Hello, is this the KGB?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes. What do you want?\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his fire wood.\" \r\n\r\n\"This will be noted.\" \r\n\r\nThe next day, the KGB goons visit Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the fire wood is kept, break every piece of wood there, but find no diamonds. They swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. \r\n\r\nThe phone then rings at Rabinovitz's house. \r\n\r\n\"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes.\" \r\n\r\n\"Did they chop up your firewood?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, they did.\" \r\n\r\n\"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 501,
"title": "Help From the KGB"
},
{
"body": "A baby boy was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing - I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little guy in front of his worried parents. He just kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers to check if his hand was all right, and guess what he found? \r\n\r\nScroll down. \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\n* \r\n\r\nThe birth control pill.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 502,
"title": "Laughing Baby"
},
{
"body": "A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, \"I had an affair with a woman... almost.\" \r\n\r\nThe priest says, \"What do you mean, almost?\" \r\n\r\nThe man says, \"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.\" \r\n\r\nThe priest replies, \"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.\" \r\n\r\nThe man leaves confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and starts to leave. \r\n\r\nThe priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over and says, \"I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!\" \r\n\r\nThe man replied, \"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it, and you said it was the same as putting it in!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 503,
"title": "As Good As Putting It In"
},
{
"body": "There was once a big ol' tough bear strolling through the forest looking for some silly hunter to maul, when he suddenly got the urge to pass the last hunter he had eaten. He stopped by the side of the path and proceeded to dump away. Well, as he was sitting there, a cute little bunny came bounding along merrily on his way and stopped right beside the bear and also took a dump. Well, the bear was finishing up and hadn't really said a word to the little bunny so popped a question, \"Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur, little bunny?\" The bunny looked up and replied, \"Why no, certainly not.\" \r\n\r\nImmediately the bear picked up the bunny and wiped his ass with him.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 504,
"title": "The Bear and the Rabbit"
},
{
"body": "A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went. \r\n\r\nAs the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. \r\n\r\nPuzzled by her actions, the man asked her, \"Is something wrong?\" \r\n\r\nShe replied, \"There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 505,
"title": "Blonde Mail Call"
},
{
"body": "A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the salary but not what he would be doing. He soon learns that the zoo's gorilla had unexpectedly passed away. The zoo had just spent millions on promotions that focused on the gorilla, and now they needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the money was good so he accepted. \r\n\r\nEvery day, he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage, and be the gorilla. After a while, he started enjoying himself. He would scare little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas. As time wore on, he became the main attraction at the zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him. \r\n\r\nOne particularly busy Saturday, he was swinging around and accidentally swung over his fence and landed in the lion's cage. The lion slowly opened his eyes and saw the gorilla. The lion began to talk. The lion, now drooling and wide awake, slowly approached the gorilla that was backed up against the fence. The lion was ready to jump. The gorilla started yelling, \"Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! Help, help!\" \r\n\r\nThen the lion said, \"Shut up, stupid, or we'll both get fired!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 506,
"title": "Zoo"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a Canadian fire?\r\n\r\nA Calgary Flame.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 507,
"title": "Hockey"
},
{
"body": "What does Monica Lewinski and a coin machine have in common? \r\n\r\n insert bill here!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 508,
"title": "Bill Clinton"
},
{
"body": "A man was driving home late one afternoon above the speed limit. He noticed a police car with its red lights in his rearview mirror. He thought, \"I can outrun this guy,\" so he floored it and the race was on. The cars were racing down the highway at 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passed 100, the guy figured, \"What the heck,\" and gave up. He pulled over to the curb. The police officer got out of his cruiser and approached the car. \r\n\r\nHe leaned down and said, \"Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go.\" The man thought for a moment and said, \"Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rearview mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!\" \r\n\r\nThe officer let him go.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 510,
"title": "Police"
},
{
"body": "A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. \r\n\r\nHalfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't be so bad, except that he has a couple of empty bottles in his back pockets, and they broke so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. He is so drunk that he doesn't know he is hurt. \r\n\r\nA few minutes later, as he is undressing, he notices blood, so he checks himself in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind is cut up something terrible. He repairs the damage as best he can under the circumstances and goes to bed. \r\n\r\nThe next morning, his head is hurting, and his rear is hurting, and he is hunkering under the covers trying to concoct some good story, when his wife comes into the bedroom. \r\n\r\n\"Well, you really tied one on last night,\" she says. \"Where'd you go?\" \r\n\r\n\"I worked late,\" he says, \"and I stopped off for a couple of beers.\" \r\n\r\n\"A couple of beers? That's a laugh,\" she replies. \"You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?\" \r\n\r\n\"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" she replies, \"my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 511,
"title": "Drinking"
},
{
"body": "A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself. \r\n\r\nShe returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring. \r\n\r\nOutside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, \"A little more to the left...a little more to the right!...\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 513,
"title": "Locked Car"
},
{
"body": "Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. \r\n\r\nUpon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, \"Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.\" \r\n\r\n\"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct,\" asked the rejected applicant. \r\n\r\n\"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,\" said the Department manager. \r\n\r\n\"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?\" the rejected applicant inquired. \r\n\r\n\"Simple,\" said the Department manager, \"Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 514,
"title": "Test"
},
{
"body": "A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. \r\n\r\nThe interviewer looks over his papers and says, \"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. \r\n\r\n\"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry... We can't hire you.\" \r\n\r\n\"But wait,\" he says. \"If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!\" \r\n\r\n\"Really? Great! Show me!\" \r\n\r\nThe applicant reaches into his pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the interviewer, \"that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!\" \r\n\r\n\"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, then, how do you explain all these condoms?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, that,\" he sighed. \"Have you ever walked into a pharmacy winking and asked for aspirin?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 515,
"title": "Winking"
},
{
"body": "An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton. \r\n\r\nAs he paid his bill, he said to the manager, \"By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, that's Big Chief Forget-Me-Not,\" said the manager. \"The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as Big Chief Forget-Me-Not because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life.\" \r\n\r\nThe travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. \r\n\r\n\"G'dye, myte!\" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. \"What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?\" \r\n\r\n\"Eggs,\" was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up. Indeed, the Aussie was impressed. \r\n\r\nHe went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not's great memory. (One local noted that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'G'dye myte.') \r\n\r\nOn his return to the Vancouver Hilton 6 months later, he was surprised to see Big Chief Forget-Me-Not still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick. \r\n\r\n\"How,\" said the Aussie. \r\n\r\n\"Scrambled,\" said the chief.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 516,
"title": "Great Memory"
},
{
"body": "A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. \r\n\r\n\"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HORSE?\" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. \r\n\r\nNo one answered. \r\n\r\n\"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HORSE AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!\" \r\n\r\nSome of the locals shifted restlessly. \r\n\r\nHe had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled-up and started to ride out of town. \r\n\r\nThe bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, \"Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?\" \r\n\r\nThe cowboy turned back and said, \"I had to walk home.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 517,
"title": "Cowboy Riding Into Town"
},
{
"body": "Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking them how they enjoyed their trip. \r\n\r\nResponses are still pouring in asking, \"What trip?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 518,
"title": "Pouring In"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, \"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?\" \r\n\r\n\"None,\" replied Johnny, \"cause the rest would fly away.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, the answer is four,\" said the teacher, \"but I like the way you're thinking.\" \r\n\r\nLittle Johnny says, \"I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the teacher nervously, \"I guess the one sucking the cone.\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" said Little Johnny, \"the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 519,
"title": "Little Johnny"
},
{
"body": "I did not do it in a car \r\nI did not do it in a bar \r\nI did not do it in the dark \r\nI did not do it in the park \r\nI did not do it on a date \r\nI did not ever fornicate \r\nI did not do it at a dance \r\nI did not do it in her pants \r\nI did not get beyond first base \r\nI did not do it in her face \r\nI never did it in a bed \r\nIf you think that, you''ve been misled \r\nI did not do it with a groan \r\nI did not do it on the phone \r\nI did not cause her dress to stain \r\nI never boinked Saddam Hussein \r\nI did not do it with a whip \r\nI never fondled Linda Tripp \r\nI never acted really silly \r\nWith volunteers like Kathleen Willey \r\nThere was one time, with Margaret Thatcher \r\nI chased her ''round, but could not catch her \r\nNo kinky stuff, not on your life \r\nI wouldn''t, even with my wife \r\nAnd Jennifer Flowers'' tale of woes \r\nWas paid for by my right-wing foes \r\nAnd Paula Jones, and those State Troopers \r\nAre just a bunch of party poopers \r\nI did not ask my friends to lie \r\nI did not hang them out to dry \r\nI did not do it last November \r\nBut if I did, I don''t remember \r\nI did not do it in the hall \r\nI could have, but I don''t recall \r\nI never did it in my study \r\nI never did it with my dog, Buddy \r\nI never did it to Sox, the cat \r\nI might have -once with Arafat \r\nI never did it in a hurry \r\nI never groped Ms. Betty Currie \r\nThere was no sex at Arlington \r\nThere was no sex on Air Force One \r\nI might have copped a little feel \r\nAnd then endeavored to conceal \r\nBut never did these things so lewd \r\nAt least, not ever in the nude \r\nThese things to which I have confessed \r\nThey do not count, if we stayed dressed \r\nIt never happened with a cigar \r\nI never dated Mrs.Starr \r\nI did not know this little sin \r\nWould be retold on CNN \r\nI broke some rules my Mama taught me \r\nI tried to hide, but now you''ve caught me \r\nBut I implore, I do beseech \r\nDo not condemn, do not impeach \r\nI might have got a little tail \r\nBut never, never did inhale",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 520,
"title": "Clintons Testimony By Dr Seuss"
},
{
"body": "During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. \r\n\r\n\"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.\" \r\n\r\nVisibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. \r\n\r\n\"Will I be acquitted?\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 521,
"title": "The Fortune Teller"
},
{
"body": "This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words \r\nLewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners. \r\n\r\nEntry # 1 \r\nThere once was a gal named Lewinsky \r\nWho played on a flute like Stravinsky \r\n'Twas \"Hail to the Chief\" \r\non this flute made of beef \r\nthat stole the front page from Kaczynski. \r\n\r\nEntry # 2 \r\nSaid Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky \r\nWe don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, \r\nSince you look such a mess, \r\nuse the hem of your dress \r\nAnd wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. \r\n\r\nEntry # 3 \r\nLewinsky and Clinton have shown \r\nwhat Kaczynski must surely have known: \r\nthat an intern is better \r\nthan a bomb in a letter \r\ngiven the choice of how to be blown.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 522,
"title": "Limerick Contest"
},
{
"body": "This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Louisiana, and sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale.\r\n\r\nThis guy is on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passes slowly and no cars come by. The storm is so strong he can see hardly a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly creeps toward him and stops. Reflexively, the guy gets into the car and closes the door, then realizes that there is nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly starts moving again.\r\n\r\nThe guy is terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy sees that the car is slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy starts to pray, begging for his life, sure the ghost car will go off the road\r\nand he will plunge to his death when, just before the curve, a hand appears thru the window and turns the steering wheel, guiding the car safely\r\naround the bend.\r\n\r\n\r\nParalyzed with terror, the guy watches the hand reappear every time they reach a curve. Finally, the guy gathers his wits and leaps from the car, and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a bar and, voice quavering, orders two shots of tequila, and tells everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy is apparently sane and not drunk.\r\nAbout half an hour later two guys walk into the same bar. One says to the other, \"Look Boudreaux, that's the idiot that rode in our car when we\r\nwere pushing it.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 523,
"title": "The Haunted Car"
},
{
"body": "Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. \"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,\" she asks, \"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?\"\r\n\r\nMelissa's father thinks a bit, then says \"No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?\"\r\n\r\n\"Osama Bin Laden,\" she says.\r\n\r\n\"Why Osama Bin Laden?\" her father asks in shock.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" she says, \"I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.! \"\r\n\r\nHer father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. \"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.\"\r\n\r\n\"I know,\" Melissa says, \"and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 524,
"title": "Happy Valentines Day"
},
{
"body": "Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally\r\nprepared for the test.\r\n\r\nAnd best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in your home.\r\n\r\nEXERCISE ONE:\r\n\r\nOpen your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold\r\nthat position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.\r\n\r\nEXERCISE TWO:\r\n\r\nVisit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.\r\n\r\nEXERCISE THREE:\r\n\r\nFreeze two metal bookends over night. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room.\r\nPress the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends \r\ntogether as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to\r\nmeet next year and do it again.\r\n\r\nYOU ARE NOW TOTALLY PREPARED!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 525,
"title": "How to Prepare for a Mammogram"
},
{
"body": "To help students remember the word for \"wear\" in Latin, the professor used the phrase:\r\n\r\nsemper ubi, sub ubi\r\n\r\nTranslation:\r\n\r\nAlways wear under wear.",
"category": "College",
"id": 526,
"title": "Latin Class"
},
{
"body": "20. The cucumber has left the salad. \r\n19. I can see the gun of Navarone. \r\n18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. \r\n17. You've got Windows in your laptop. \r\n16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. \r\n15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now. \r\n14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell. \r\n13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... \r\n12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. \r\n11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal. \r\n10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! \r\n9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. \r\n8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! \r\n7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. \r\n6. Dr. Kimble has escaped! \r\n5. You've got your fly set for \"Monica\" instead of \"Hillary.\" \r\n4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction... \r\n3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. \r\n2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it? \r\n \r\nAND THE NUMBER ONE WAY \r\nTO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED... \r\n \r\n1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 527,
"title": "Top twenty ways to say \"your fly is open.\""
},
{
"body": "Two Boy Scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. \r\n\r\nWhen they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came upon a cemetery. The boys decided that it would be a good place to stop and rest to divide the nuts. \r\n\r\nThe two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts into a large pile. In the process, two of the nuts rolled away and settled near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide the nuts. \r\n\r\n\"One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me...\" \r\n\r\nAs they were doing this, another boy passed by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town. \r\n\r\n\"Father! Father!\" he yelled as he entered his house. \"The cemetery. Come quick!\" \r\n\r\n\"What's the matter?\" his father asked. \r\n\r\n\"No time to explain,\" the boy frantically panted. \"Follow me!\" \r\n\r\nThe boy and his father ran up the country road and until they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong. \r\n\r\n\"Do you hear that?\" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. \r\n\r\n\"One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you...\" \r\n\r\nThe boy then blurted out, \"The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!\" \r\n\r\nThe father was skeptical but silent... until a few moments later, as the Scouts completed dividing the nuts and one Scout said to the other, \"Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 528,
"title": "Dividing Nuts"
},
{
"body": "\"You don't have anything in your head except soccer,\" said a wife to her husband. \"I'm sure you've even forgotten when we got married!\"\r\n\r\n\"Of course I haven't forgotten,\" replied the husband. \"That was the day England beat Italy 2-1.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 529,
"title": "Remembering Important Dates"
},
{
"body": "A general was confined to a military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week, he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest, and so on. \r\n\r\nOne afternoon, an orderly entered the room. \r\n\r\n\"Time to take your temperature, General,\" the orderly said. \r\n\r\nAfter growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. \"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end,\" the orderly told him. A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. \r\n\r\nThe orderly then told the general, \"Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you,\" and withdrew. \r\n\r\nAn hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, \"What's going on here?\" \r\n\r\n\"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?\" the general barked. \r\n\r\n\"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 530,
"title": "Take the Temperature"
},
{
"body": "3 men were being interviewed for a position for the FBI. The interviewers needed to know the men were going to be loyal to the FBI until the very end. So they set up a little test. They put each of the 3 men's wives in the room.\r\nThey sent the first man in with a gun, and told him to kill his wife.\r\nA few minutes later the man comes out crying. He says, \"I just can't do it. I love her.\" He gives back the gun.\r\nThey send the second man in and he comes out crying a few minutes later, hands back the gun, and says, \"We've had too many good years. I just can't kill her. I'm sorry.\"\r\nSo finally they send in the third applicant. They listen closely to the door and try to see if this man will succeed. They hear a soft click, then a huge commotion. Things were being broken and smashed and a lot of screaming.\r\nComing out tired, the man says to the interviewers, \"The damn gun you gave me was loaded with blanks! I had to beat her to death!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 531,
"title": "FBI Training"
},
{
"body": "A lawyer had just rented a cabin up north and was planning to do some hunting. So he goes up and finds that he has a neighbor. The neighbor is from Czechoslovakia. They decide to go hunting together and become good friends. While they camped out during the night 2 bears, a male and a female, attacked them. The lawyer just managed to get away. He stole a glance back and saw his Czechoslovakian friend get eaten whole by the male bear.\r\n\r\nThe lawyer runs to the police and tells them to come and hurry and bring some tranquilizer guns. They run up into the woods where their camp was and they stumble across the 2 bears sleeping.\r\n\r\nThe police say, \"Which bear ate your friend?\"\r\n\r\nThe lawyer says, \"The male bear. That one!\" And points to the one on the right.\r\n\r\nThe police immediately shoot the female bear and the male bear wakes up and runs off unharmed.\r\n\r\nThe lawyer screams, \"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? I SAID HE WAS IN THE MALE BEAR!\"\r\n\r\nThe police calmly said, \"Would you believe a lawyer who said the Czech was in the male?\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 533,
"title": "Lawyer and a Czech"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why do young blondes carry goldfish in their\r\npockets?\r\n\r\nA. So they can smell like old blondes.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 534,
"title": "Fish"
},
{
"body": "A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, and driving his partner nuts. \r\n\r\nFinally, his exasperated partner said, \"What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!\" \r\n\r\nThe guy answered, \"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.\" \r\n\r\n\"Forget it, man. You don't stand a chance in hell of hitting her from here!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 535,
"title": "Perfect Shot"
},
{
"body": "A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. \r\nThe next day the farmer drove up and said, \"Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well then, just give me my money back.\" \r\n\r\n\"I can't do that. I went and spent it already.\" \r\n\r\n\"OK then, just unload the donkey.\" \r\n\r\n\"What ya gonna do with em.\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm gonna raffle him off.\" \r\n\r\n\"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!\" \r\n\r\n\"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead.\" \r\n\r\nA month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, \"What happened with the dead donkey?\" \r\n\r\n\"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898.\" \r\n\r\n\"Didn't anyone complain?\" \r\n\r\n\"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 536,
"title": "Donkey Raffle"
},
{
"body": "A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas-pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. \r\nHe asks the driver, \"What's up with the penguins in the back seat?\" \r\n\r\nThe man in the car says \"I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue.\" \r\n\r\nThe clerk ponders a bit then says, \"You should take them to the zoo.\" \r\n\r\n\"Hey, that's a good idea,\" says the man in the car and drives away. \r\n\r\nThe next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. \r\n\r\n\"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, I did,\" says the driver, \"And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 537,
"title": "2 Penguins"
},
{
"body": "One day a man and a woman were driving and they get into a terrible collision with each other. Both cars are wrecked beyond recognition, but they both crawl out of the wreckage unhurt.\r\nThe woman says, \"In a terrible accident...both of us are alive and, well, this must be a sign from God!\"\r\nThe man agrees.\r\nThe woman says, \"Well, we should celebrate our lives...here, let's drink to our celebration.\" She reaches into her wreckage of her car and pulls out a bottle of champagne which miraculously was not broken or even cracked. The man takes a huge gulp of the wine and passes it to the woman who politely waves it away.\r\nThe man says, \"Don't you want any? It was your idea.\"\r\nThe woman says, \"No thanks, I'll wait until the police get here.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 538,
"title": "The Crash"
},
{
"body": "Chucky wanted $100 to buy a remote control car, so he prayed like crazy for two weeks ... but nothing happened.\r\n\r\nChucky decided to write God an urgent letter, requesting $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, USA, they forwarded the letter to the president.\r\n\r\nThe president was so amused by the letter that he told his secretary to send Chucky a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.\r\n\r\nWhen Chucky received the cash, he was so delighted that he wrote a thank you note which read: \r\n\r\nDear God: \r\nThank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through Washington, D.C. Next time, don't do that because, as usual, those jerks took 95%.\r\nLove, \r\n\r\nChucky",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 539,
"title": "Letter to God"
},
{
"body": "Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?\r\n-It doesn't show the dirt\r\n\r\nWho makes all the bras for brunettes?\r\n-Fisher-Price.\r\n\r\nWhy didn't Indians scalp brunettes?\r\n-The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.\r\n\r\nWhy are most brunettes flat-chested?\r\n-It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts.\r\n\r\nWhy are brunettes so proud of their hair?\r\n-It matches their mustache.\r\n\r\nWhy is the color brunette considered evil?\r\n-When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch?\r\n\r\nHow can you tell a brunette is lonely?\r\n-Check her for a pulse.\r\n\r\nWhat is the most frustrated animal in the world?\r\n-A brunette rabbit\r\n\r\nWhat did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?\r\n-\"What part of 'yes' do you not understand?\"\r\n\r\nWhy did God create brunettes?\r\n-So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.\r\n\r\nWhat do brunettes miss most about a great party?\r\n-The invitation.\r\n\r\nWhere do brunettes get the hair for a transplant?\r\n-From their underarms.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?\r\n-Gay, married, or a hostage.\r\n\r\nHow did Revlon come up with its brunette hair color?\r\n-By studying what oil spills did to seaweed.\r\n\r\nWhy do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job?\r\n-Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch.\r\n\r\nHow do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?\r\n-Startled.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 540,
"title": "Revenge For Blondes"
},
{
"body": "A very old man and a woman are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The man starts crying quietly. Touched by the mans sensitive side, she goes over to him, hugs him, and asks him whats the matter.\r\nThe man says, \"Remember when we were 15 and your daddy who was a sheriff caught us? And remember he said I either had to marry you for what we did or I spend 50 years in jail?\"\r\nThe woman nods.\r\nThe man says, \"Well today I could have been a free man.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 541,
"title": "The Anniversary"
},
{
"body": "1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?\r\n\r\nA: Gifted!\r\n\r\n2. Q: How do blonde brain cells die?\r\n\r\nA: Alone.\r\n\r\n3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?\r\n\r\nA: Pregnant.\r\n\r\n4. Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?\r\n\r\nA: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.\r\n\r\n5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?\r\n\r\nA: Artificial intelligence.\r\n\r\nA2: By doing the splits.\r\n\r\n6. Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?\r\n\r\nA: She missed the Earth!\r\n\r\n7. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?\r\n\r\nA: Because they can't even keep two calves together!\r\n\r\n8. Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?\r\n\r\nA: Nothing. They've never met.\r\n\r\n9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?\r\n\r\nA: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!\r\n\r\n10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?\r\n\r\nA: After a dye job.\r\n\r\n11. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?\r\n\r\nA1: She'd just dyed her hair.\r\n\r\nA2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.\r\n\r\n12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?\r\n\r\nA: To catch everything that goes over their heads.\r\n\r\n13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?\r\n\r\nA: You can park in the handicap zone.\r\n\r\n14. Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?\r\n\r\nA: An IN-body experience!\r\n\r\n15. A: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?\r\n\r\nShe was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymen lick Maneuver.\r\n\r\n16. Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?\r\n\r\nA: She slipped off and fell down the drain.\r\n\r\n17. Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?\r\n\r\nA: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.\r\n\r\n18. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?\r\n\r\nA: Shine a flashlight in their ear.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 542,
"title": "Short Jokes 1"
},
{
"body": "19. How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?\r\nShine a torch in her ears.\r\n\r\n20. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?\r\nIt takes too long to retrain them.\r\n\r\n21. How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?\r\nThere's white-out on the screen.\r\n\r\nHow can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?\r\nThere's writing on the white-out.\r\n\r\n22. What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?\r\nYou only have to punch information into a computer once.\r\n\r\n23. What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen?\r\nFar-from-thinking\r\n\r\n24. What did the blonde think of the new computer?\r\nShe didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.\r\n\r\n25. Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?\r\n(With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!\r\n\r\n26. How do you kill a blonde?\r\nPut spikes in their shoulder pads.\r\n\r\n27. How do blondes pierce their ears?\r\nThey put tacks in their shoulder pads.\r\n\r\n28. Why don't blondes eat Jello?\r\nThey can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.\r\n\r\n29. Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?\r\nShe liked kids...\r\n\r\n30. Why don't blondes eat pickles?\r\nBecause they can't get their head in the jar.\r\n\r\n31. Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?\r\nBlonde: I don't know. Why?\r\nTeller: It was easier to spell.\r\nBlonde: Easier than what?\r\n\r\n32. Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?\r\nThey have to have some place to rest their ankles.\r\n\r\n33. Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?\r\nTo put their feet through.\r\n\r\n34. How many blondes does it take to play tag?\r\nOne.\r\n\r\n35. Why do blondes wear green lipstick?\r\nBecause red means stop.\r\n\r\n36. How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?\r\nTwo, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!\r\n\r\n37 How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?\r\nHo, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.\r\n\r\n38. Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?\r\n\"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!\"\r\n\r\n39. Why did the blonde fail her driver's license ?\r\nShe wasn't used to the front seat!\r\n\r\n40. What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?\r\nShe picks up her purse and goes home.\r\n\r\n41. Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?\r\nThe vegetable garden.\r\n\r\n42. What's the mating call of the blonde?\r\n\"I'm *sooo* drunk!\"\r\n\r\n43. What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?\r\n(Screaming) \"I said: I'm drunk!\"\r\n\r\n44. How did the blonde die ice fishing?\r\nShe was run over by the Zamboni machine.\r\n\r\n45. What's a brunette's mating call?\r\nHas that blonde gone yet?\r\nWhen is that blonde bitch going to leave!?\r\n\"All the blondes have gone home!\"\r\n\r\n46: Why do blondes drive BMWs?\r\nBecause they can spell it.\r\n\r\n47. Why do blondes like the GST? (GST - Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)\r\nBecause they can spell it.\r\n\r\n48. What is 74 to a blonde?\r\n69 plus G.S.T.\r\n\r\n49. Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?\r\nToes Go In First.\r\n\r\n50. Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?\r\nTits Go In Front.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 543,
"title": "Short Jokes 2"
},
{
"body": "51. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?\r\n\r\nA: An interpreter.\r\n\r\n52. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?\r\n\r\nA: A mental block.\r\n\r\n53. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?\r\n\r\nA1: Blow in her ear.\r\n\r\nA2: Buy her another beer.\r\n\r\n54. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?\r\n\r\nA: \"Have another beer.\"\r\n\r\n55. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?\r\n\r\nA: Pack their lunch and send them to work.\r\n\r\n56. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?\r\n\r\nA1: Introduces herself.\r\n\r\nA2: Walks home.\r\n\r\n57. Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?\r\n\r\nA: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.\r\n\r\n58. Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?\r\n\r\nA: She fell out of the tree.\r\n\r\n59 Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?\r\n\r\nA: A thought.\r\n\r\n60. Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?\r\n\r\nA: One.\r\n\r\n61. Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?\r\n\r\nA: She didn't know what ONE came first...\r\n\r\n62 Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?\r\n\r\nA: Divorced.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 544,
"title": "Short Jokes 3"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?\r\n\r\nAn Air-Bag",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 545,
"title": "Steering Wheel"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar and has a drink.\r\nThen he hears a tiny voice say, \"You are so handsome.\"\r\nHe looks to see who said that but finds no one. So he drinks again.\r\nThen he hears a tiny voice say, \"You are so smart and kind.\"\r\nHe looks around again and doesn't find anyone. He asks the bartender whats going on.\r\nThe bartender says, \"O that, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 546,
"title": "Compliments"
},
{
"body": "3 men die in a car crash and are sent to the pearly gates. Having all lived good lives, they were all allowed in but they had certain restrictions. God told them that he would ask them a question. They should answer truthfully and depending on how they answer they will receive a home and a vehicle.\r\nGod asked the first man, \"How many times have you cheated on your wife?\"\r\nThe man said, \"None. Never once.\"\r\nGod says, \"Good. For being faithful you get a mansion and a stretch limo with a chaffeur.\"\r\nThen God asks the second man how many times he's cheated.\r\nThe man says, \"Only twice.\"\r\nGod says, \"That is bad but at least you lived the rest of your life well. Have a 2 story house and a nice SUV.\"\r\nThen God asks the third man the same question as the first two.\r\nThe third man says, \"Lord, 8 times. I am sorry.\"\r\nGod is appalled, but the man is still a good man and he lets him in with an apartment and a used station wagon.\r\nLater the second and third man see the first man crying his eyes out.\r\nThey say, \"You got the limo and a mansion; why are you crying?\"\r\nThe man says, \"Earlier today, I saw my wife on rollerblades!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 547,
"title": "3 Men at the Pearly Gates"
},
{
"body": "3 guys die in a car wreck and are sent to heaven.\r\nAt the gates St. Peter asks the three men what they would want their families to say at the funeral.\r\nThe first man says, \"I want them to say I was an excellent husband and a great police officer.\"\r\nThe second man says, \"I want them to say I was a great husband, a wonderful teacher and that I made a huge difference in their lives.\"\r\nThe third man says, \"I wish they would say...LOOK! HE'S MOVING!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 548,
"title": "What Would They Say..."
},
{
"body": "Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 549,
"title": "Lawyers Creed"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? \r\n\r\nA: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 550,
"title": "Services"
},
{
"body": "Jon and Adam are in a mental institution. This place has an annual contest, where they pick two of the best patients and give them two questions. If they get them correct, they are deemed cured and are free to go. \r\n\r\nJon is called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understands that he would be free if he answers the questions correctly. The doctor says, \"Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?\" \r\n\r\nJon answers, \"I'd be half blind, doc.\" \r\n\r\n\"That's correct. What if I poked out both of your eyes?\" \r\n\r\n\"I'd be completely blind.\" The doctor got up, shook his hand and told him he was free. \r\n\r\nOn Jon's way out, while the doctor is filling out the paperwork, Jon mentions the exam to Adam. He tells him what questions are going to be asked, and also the answers. Adam is called in. The doctor goes through the formalities and asks, \"What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?\" \r\n\r\nAdam, remembering what Jon said was the correct answer, says, \"I'd be half blind.\" \r\n\r\nThe doctor is a little puzzled, but he carries on. \"What if I cut off both of your ears?\" \r\n\r\n\"I'd be completely blind.\" Adam answers. \r\n\r\n\"Adam, can you explain how you'd be blind?\" \r\n\r\n\"My hat would fall over my eyes.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 551,
"title": "Answers Given"
},
{
"body": "Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack. \r\n\r\nEveryone in town knew Jack as a very optimistic person. Jack, whenever placed in a terrible situation, would say, \"It could have been worse.\" Everyone in town was tired of hearing Jack say that, so one day they decided to lie to him. \r\n\r\nThey went up to him and said, \"Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't it terrible?\" \r\n\r\nThen Jack said, \"Well, yes it's terrible, but it could've been worse!\" \r\n\r\nThe townspeople said, \"How could that possibly be worse?\" \r\n\r\nJack replied, \"Well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 552,
"title": "Optimistic Jack"
},
{
"body": "A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. \r\n\r\nThe doctor asked the man, \"Do you smoke or drink?\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" he replied. \"I've never done either.\" \r\n\r\n\"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?\" inquired the doctor. \r\n\r\n\"No, I've never done any of those things either.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, then,\" said the doctor, \"what do you want to live to be a hundred for?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 553,
"title": "100 Years Old"
},
{
"body": "Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial straits. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes to the synagogue and begins to pray. \"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money soon, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.\" \r\n\r\nLotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue. \"God, please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and now I'm even going to lose my car as well!\" \r\n\r\nLotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck. Back to the synagogue, \"My God, why have you forsaken me so? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?\" \r\n\r\nSuddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open up. Jacob is confronted by the voice of God himself. \r\n\r\n\"Jacob, my son.... meet me halfway on this one. Buy a goddamn ticket!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 554,
"title": "Jacob's Prayer to God"
},
{
"body": "A blonde and a brunette go parachuting. The blonde jumps first, pulls her parachute cord, and slowly drifts in the air and enjoys the view. \r\n\r\nThe brunette jumps after her and pulls her parachute cord, but nothing happens! She pulls it again, this time as hard as she can, but still nothing. She pulls the cord to the emergency chute, but that doesn't open either. She passes by the blonde like a speeding bullet! \r\n\r\nThe blonde looks at her and says, while getting her parachute off her shoulders, \"So, you want to race, do you?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 555,
"title": "Parachuting"
},
{
"body": "A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: \r\n\r\n\"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well put,\" the judge replied. \"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.\" The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 556,
"title": "Defending My Arm"
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded in the desert because their car broke down. The redhead grabs some water, the brunette grabs some food, and the blonde grabs the car door. \r\n\r\nThey began walking, when the redhead turns to the brunette and says,\" Why did you bring the food?\" \r\n\r\nShe replies, \" Well in case I get hungry, I can eat it. Why did you bring water?\" \r\n\r\nThe redhead replies, \" Well in case I get thirsty, I can drink it.\" \r\n\r\nThen they both turn to the blonde and say, \" Why did you bring the car door?\" \r\n\r\nShe replies, \" Well in case I get hot, I can roll down the window.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 559,
"title": "Desert"
},
{
"body": "A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the bartender: \"Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?' A deathly silence transcends the bar. \r\n\r\nIn a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to him says: \"Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with a black belt in Karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a \r\npro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?\" \r\n\r\nThe blind man pauses to think, and says, \"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 560,
"title": "Blonde Joke"
},
{
"body": "Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. \r\n\r\nOne day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. \r\n\r\nThat night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad \r\nreplied, \"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?\" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, \r\n\"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth.\" \r\n\r\nThe dad replied, \"Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 561,
"title": "Outhouse"
},
{
"body": "The Egyptologist sneezed: Hapshepsut!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 562,
"title": "Egyptologist"
},
{
"body": "Ever notice that \"fat chance\" and \"slim chance\" mean the same thing?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 564,
"title": "Fat Chance"
},
{
"body": "Take your income and add 10%",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 565,
"title": "How to Calculate the Cost of Living"
},
{
"body": "A husband & wife are talking. \r\nHusband: \"How many times have you cheated on me?\"\r\nWife: \"Only twice.\"\r\nHusband: \"Tell me about them.\"\r\nWife: \"Remember when you were very sick, and we didn't have money to pay for the doctor? Well, I slept with him.\"\r\nHusband: \"That's not so bad; and the other?\"\r\nWife: \"Remember when you were running in the elections, and you needed 450 votes?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 566,
"title": "Cheating On Your Husband"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a teacher and a train?\r\n\r\nA train goes \"chew, chew, chew,\" and a teacher says, \"Spit that gum out!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 567,
"title": "What's the Difference..."
},
{
"body": "How many FBI agents does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nShut up! We'll be asking the questions here.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 568,
"title": "FBI"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA: 3. One to change it and the other two to argue whether the lightbulb really exists.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 569,
"title": "Philosophers"
},
{
"body": "\"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.\"\r\n\r\n-Phyllis Diller",
"category": "Children",
"id": 571,
"title": "Talkin' Walkin' Kids"
},
{
"body": "Every solution breeds new problems.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 572,
"title": "Solutions"
},
{
"body": "Join the Marines: Visit exotic places, meet\r\ninteresting people and then kill them.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 573,
"title": "Marines"
},
{
"body": "A guy goes to the movies one day, and in the front row there's an old man. With him was his dog. It was a sad, funny kind of film. You know the type. In the sad part the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part the dog laughed his head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended the guy decides to go and speak to the man.\r\n\r\n\"That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen,\" he said. \"Your dog really seemed to enjoy the film.\"\r\n\r\nThe man turned. \"Yeah, it really is amazing, because he hated the book.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 574,
"title": "Doggie"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the new Polish million dollar lotery?\r\n\r\nYou get a dollar a year for a million years!!!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 576,
"title": "$1,000,000"
},
{
"body": "I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her \r\nfirst name was Always.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 577,
"title": "Miss Right"
},
{
"body": "Why does a blonde smile at lightning?\r\n\r\nShe thinks she's getting her picture taken.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 578,
"title": "Smile!"
},
{
"body": "What if people bought cars like they buy\r\nComputers?\r\n\r\nThe car companies don't have help lines\r\nfor people who don't know how to drive,\r\nbecause people don't buy cars like they\r\nbuy computers, imagine if they did.....\r\n\r\nHelpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help\r\nyou?\r\n\r\nCustomer: I got in my car and closed the door and\r\nnothing happened!\r\n\r\nHelpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot\r\nand turn it?\r\n\r\nCustomer: What's an ignition?\r\n\r\nHelpline: It's a starter motor that draws current\r\nfrom your battery and turns over the engine.\r\n\r\nCustomer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How\r\ncome I have to know all these technical terms to\r\nuse my car.\r\n\r\nHelpline: Toyota Helpline, how can I help you?\r\n\r\nCustomer: My car ran fine for a week and now it\r\nwon't go anywhere!\r\n\r\nHelpline: Is the gas tank empty?\r\n\r\nCustomer: Huh? How do I know?\r\n\r\nHelpline: There's a little gauge on the front\r\npanel with a needle and markings of 'E' and 'F'.\r\nWhere is the needle pointing?\r\n\r\nCustomer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that\r\nmean?\r\n\r\nHelpline: It means you have to visit a gasoline\r\nvendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can\r\ninstall it yourself or pay the vendor to install\r\nit for you.\r\n\r\nCustomer: What? I paid $18,000 for this car!\r\nAnd you're telling me I need to keep buying more\r\ncomponents? This is outrageous! I want a car that\r\ncomes with everything built in!\r\n\r\nHelpline: Ford Helpline, how can I help you?\r\n\r\nCustomer: Your cars suck!\r\n\r\nHelpline: What's wrong?\r\n\r\nCustomer: It crashed, that's what's wrong!\r\n\r\nHelpline: What were you doing?\r\n\r\nCustomer: Well I wanted to go faster, so I pushed\r\nthe accelerator pedal all the way to the floor, it\r\nworked for a while and then it when off the road\r\nat a corner and crashed and it won't start now!\r\n\r\nHelpline: It's your responsibility if you misuse\r\nthe product. What do you expect us to do about it?\r\n\r\nCustomer: I expect you to send me one of the\r\nlatest versions that doesn't crash!\r\n\r\nHelpline: BMW Helpline, how can I help you?\r\n\r\nCustomer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I\r\nchose your car because it has automatic\r\ntransmission, cruise control, power steering,\r\npower brakes, power door locks, power seats,\r\npower..\r\n\r\nHelpline: Well,.. thanks for buying one of our\r\ntop of line cars. So how can I help you?\r\n\r\nCustomer: Well, how do I work it?\r\n\r\nHelpline: Do you know how to drive?\r\n\r\nCustomer: Do I know how to what?\r\n\r\nHelpline: Do you know how to drive?\r\n\r\nCustomer: Look, I'm not a mechanic. I'm not even\r\nvery technical. I just want to go places in my\r\nnew car!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 582,
"title": "Cars"
},
{
"body": "Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the \r\nbathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come \r\nout of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you \r\nare in the bathroom?\r\n\r\nA. EUROPEAN... of course!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 583,
"title": "Bathroom Humor, Literally!"
},
{
"body": "A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. \r\nHer boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, \"What's the matter?\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde replies, \"Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde very calmly explains, \"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.\" \r\n\r\nThe boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. \"If you need anything, just let me know,\" he says. \r\n\r\nA few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, \"Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" replies the blonde, \"I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 584,
"title": "Dead Mama"
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. \r\nOne day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. \r\n\r\nThe genie says, \"Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.\" \r\n\r\nThe brunette says, \"I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home.\" \r\n\r\nPOOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. \r\n\r\nThen, the red head says, \"I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too.\" \r\n\r\nPOOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. \r\n\r\nThe blonde starts crying uncontrollably. \r\n\r\nThe genie asks, \"My dear, what's the matter?\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde whimpers, \"I wish my friends were still here.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 585,
"title": "Three Wishes"
},
{
"body": "A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. \r\nA nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, \"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?\" \r\n\r\n\"Why, officer?\" asks the blonde. \r\n\r\n\"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh my goodness,\" exclaims the blonde, \"I left my baby on the bus!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 586,
"title": "Indecent Exposure"
},
{
"body": "A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. \r\nThe old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. \r\n\r\nThe old farmer told him he had buried them. \r\n\r\nThe sheriff asked the old farmer, \"Lordy, were they ALL dead?\" \r\n\r\nThe old farmer said, \"Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 587,
"title": "Country Politics"
},
{
"body": "Why did a blonde take an empty glass and a glass full of water to bed?\r\n\r\nShe wasn't sure if she would get thirsty during the night.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 588,
"title": "Glass of Water"
},
{
"body": "What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?\r\n\r\nThank you for the refill.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 589,
"title": "Blow in the Ear"
},
{
"body": "A man dies and goes to hell. When he arrives Satan gives him a choice of what eternal punishment he'll be given.\r\nThey go to a wall with 3 doors. Satan opens the first door and there are people standing on their heads on blocks of ice.\r\nThe man says, \"No way, I cant do this punishment.\" So they move on to the next room.\r\nSatan opens the second door and there are people standing on their heads on a brick floor.\r\nThe man says, \"No way, that would give me headaches forever.\" So they move on to the next room.\r\nSatan opens the door and inside there are people sitting in cow manure drinking tea and eating cookies.\r\nThe man figures it can't be that bad so he chooses to spend eternity in that room.\r\nJust before Satan closes the door he yells back, \"Alrite break time is over! Back on your heads!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 590,
"title": "The Rooms"
},
{
"body": "How many republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nNone, they only screw the poor.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 591,
"title": "Republicans"
},
{
"body": "How many blondes does it take to screw in a lighbulb?\r\n\r\nNone, they just assume they've gone blind.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 592,
"title": "Blondes"
},
{
"body": "A drunk man stumbles into the bar to the only other customer and asks if the man would buy him a drink.\r\nThe second man says yes.\r\nThey have a drink, and the first man decides to fill the quiet gap.\r\nHe asks, \"So where you from?\"\r\nThe second man replies, \"Ireland.\"\r\nThe first man says, \"WOW! Me too. Let's drink to Ireland.\"\r\nThey drink and the second man says, \"So what part of Ireland ya from?\"\r\nThe first man says, \"Dublin. So...what school did you go to?\"\r\nThe second man says, \"St. Sebastians. Graduated in 1969.\"\r\nThe first man astonished says, \"ME TOO! Damn, what a coincidence.\"\r\nJust then a regular comes in the bar and asks the bartender what's going on.\r\nThe bartender replies, \"Nothin' much. The O'Malley twins are drunk again.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 593,
"title": "Drinking to Ireland"
},
{
"body": "Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.\r\n\r\n-- Robert Orben",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 594,
"title": "Me Against the World"
},
{
"body": "A wealthy Australian man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Dingo along for company.\r\n\r\nOne day, the Dingo starts chasing butterflies, and before long he discovers that he is lost.\r\n\r\nWandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, \"Geez, I'm in deep poop now!\" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.\r\n\r\nJust as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, \"Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?\"\r\n\r\nHearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. \"Whew,\" says the leopard. \"That was close. That dingo nearly had me.\"\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dingo sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.\r\n\r\nThe monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, \"Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Aussie canine.\"\r\n\r\nNow the dingo sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, \"Struth, what am I going to do now?\" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the dingo says, \"Where the bloody hell's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.\"\r\n\r\nMORAL: SOMETIMES IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, THEN BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 595,
"title": "Dingo Antics"
},
{
"body": "One day a secretary noticed her boss's fly was open.\r\nNot wanting to embarrass him, she whispers in his ear, \"Your barracks are open, and your soldier is saluting at the gates.\"\r\nThe man, realizing what she means, decides to have some fun and says, \"Do you see the colonel standing to attention?\"\r\nShe whispers back, \"No; all I see is a veteran sitting on his two duffel bags.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 596,
"title": "Soldiers Salute"
},
{
"body": "A drunk phones the police.\r\nHe yells, \"Come quick! Thieves have stolen my dashboard, steering wheel, brake and gas pedal, and my dang radio!! MY RADIO!!\"\r\nThe police are just about to send out an officer when the drunk phones back.\r\nHe says very calmly, \"Sorry officers. It turns out I just got in my backseat.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 597,
"title": "Scrapped Car"
},
{
"body": "A blonde is speeding down a deserted street when she is pulled over by a police officer.\r\nThe officer very politely requests to see the blondes license.\r\nThe blonde very indignant replies, \"You know what? I'm getting tired of you cops. You just can't make up your mind. Last week you took away my license, and now you want me to show it to you?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 598,
"title": "Speeding"
},
{
"body": "Q. How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nA. Only one, but he has to do it while you're eating dinner.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 599,
"title": "How Many Telemarketers..."
},
{
"body": "Sign seen on a maternity-ward door:\r\n\r\nPush! Push! Push!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 600,
"title": "Maternity Ward"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer?\r\n\r\nA: The cleaner pays if he loses your suit. A lawyer can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 601,
"title": "Lawyer vs Dry Cleaner"
},
{
"body": "After they'd brought their first baby home from the hospital, a young wife suggested to her husband that he try his hand at changing diapers. \"I'm busy,\" he said. \"I'll do the next one.\"\r\n\r\nThe next time the baby was wet, she asked if he was now ready to learn how to change diapers. He looked puzzled. \"Oh,\" he replied finally. \"I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 602,
"title": "Changing Diapers"
},
{
"body": "Tarzan swings through the air\r\nTarzan loses his underwear\r\nTarzan says \"Me no care,\r\nJane make me another pair.\"\r\n\r\nBoy swings through the air\r\nBoy loses his underwear\r\nBoy says \"Me no care,\r\nJane make me another pair.\"\r\n\r\nCheetah swings through the air\r\nCheetah loses his underwear\r\nCheetah says \"Me no care,\r\nJane make me another pair.\"\r\n\r\nJane swings through the air\r\nJane loses her underwear\r\nJane says \"Me no care,\r\nTarzan like me better bare!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 603,
"title": "Tarzan Swings"
},
{
"body": "There once was a farmer who took a young miss\r\nOut back of the barn where he gave her a ... \r\nLecture on horses and cattle and eggs\r\nAnd told she had the most wonderful ...\r\nManners that suited a girl of her charms\r\nA girl that he wanted to take in his ...\r\nWashing and ironing and then if she did\r\nThey could get married and raise lots of ...\r\n\r\nSweet violets, sweeter than all the roses\r\nCovered all over from head to toe\r\nCovered all over with sweet violets\r\n\r\nThe girl told the farmer that he better quit\r\nThen she called her father and he took a ...\r\nTaxi and got there before very long\r\n'Cause someone was treating his little girl ...\r\nRight for a change and so that's why he said\r\nIf you marry my daughter, you're better off ...\r\nSingle, for son it has always been my belief\r\nThat marriage will bring a man nothing but ...\r\n\r\nSweet violets, sweeter than all the roses\r\nCovered all over from head to toe\r\nCovered all over with sweet violets",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 604,
"title": "Sweet Violets"
},
{
"body": "\"Are you sure you don't want some Novocain?\" asked the dentist.\r\n\r\n\"I'm sure,\" replied the maharishi. \"I wish to transcend dental medication.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 605,
"title": "Novocain"
},
{
"body": "\"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition,\" the doctor told his patient. \"We're going to put you in an isolation unit, where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza.\"\r\n\r\n\"Will pancakes and pizza cure my condition?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" replied the doctor. \"They're the only things we can slip under the door.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 606,
"title": "Pancakes and Pizza"
},
{
"body": "Two men were sitting by the swimming pool at a nudist colony when they noticed a beautiful young woman walking towards the pool. Her tan lines traced the outline of a tiny bathing suit with elaborately criss-crossed straps across the back.\r\n\r\n\"I'll bet she looks great in that suit,\" one of the men said wistfully.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 607,
"title": "Nudist Colony"
},
{
"body": "An RCMP officer pulled over a vehicle that had performed a rolling stop at a stop sign.\r\n\r\nWhen the driver was told this, he replied, \"But it says STOP, not STAY!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 608,
"title": "Stop!"
},
{
"body": "A police officer pulled over a vehicle that had just driven through an intersection without slowing for the traffic light, which flashes red continually. (It flashes amber for the cross direction.)\r\n\r\nThe driver, blonde of course, explained, \"But I didn't go through on the RED, I went through on the BLACK!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 609,
"title": "Intersection"
},
{
"body": "Seen on a bumper sticker:\r\n\r\n\"I don't care who's on board, what you love, who you brake for or what you'd rather be doing.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 610,
"title": "Bumper Sticker Rebuttal"
},
{
"body": "\"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I\r\nshould have been more specific.\"\r\n\r\n-Jane Wagner",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 611,
"title": "Someone"
},
{
"body": "\"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.\"\r\n\r\n-Dave Barry",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 612,
"title": "Karate"
},
{
"body": "How do you confuse a stupid person?\r\n\r\nPut them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 614,
"title": "Round Room"
},
{
"body": "Why do blondes hate making Kool-aid? \r\n\r\nThey can't fit the 8 cups of water in the \r\nenvelope!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 615,
"title": "Kool-Aid"
},
{
"body": "You know that little indestructible black box that\r\nis used on planes?\r\n\r\nWhy can't they make the whole plane out of the\r\nsame stuff?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 616,
"title": "Black Box"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat that the last time she saw 90210 is when she stepped on the bathroom scale!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 617,
"title": "90210"
},
{
"body": "This American is on a business trip to Mexico and has the first day off. He decides he wants to ride a donkey, a traditional Mexican thing. \r\n\r\nHe asks this local man if he can rent a donkey for the day. The man says, \"Gringo we call them asses here in Mexico. If you want him to stop though you need to scratch him.\" The American agrees and pays the Mexican man his money and rides away. \r\n\r\nThe man then decides that he wants something to eat so he rides to a hot dog stand. He asks the man if he can get a hot dog with mustard and relish. The man then replies \"Sir, we call them weeners here.\" The American agrees and hands the man his money. \r\n\r\nHe then sees that his donkey is slowly walking away. So he asks another man standing by him who is also American if he would \"hold his weener so he can scratch his ass\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 618,
"title": "This is What We Call it Here"
},
{
"body": "Why can't Dolly Parton be a teacher?\r\n\r\nBecause every time she turns around she erases the black board.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 619,
"title": "Dolly Parton"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more\r\nthan 1989 American dollar bills?\r\n\r\nA. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar\r\nbills are worth one dollar more than one thousand\r\nnine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 620,
"title": "1990 vs. 1989"
},
{
"body": "A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of\r\nthe cars.\r\n\r\nThe manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. \"What the heck are you doing?\" he asks the drunk.\r\n\r\n\"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.\" he replies.\r\n\r\n\"So how does feeling the roof help you?\" asks the puzzled manager.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" replies the drunk earnestly, \"My car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!\".",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 621,
"title": "Roof Tops"
},
{
"body": "Q:What's the difference between a new husband and \r\na new dog? \r\n\r\nA: A dog only takes a couple of months to train.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 622,
"title": "Dog vs. Husband"
},
{
"body": "Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor\r\npine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies\r\nwhile sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.\r\n\r\nWe take English for granted. But if we explore it's paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.\r\n\r\nAnd why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of\r\ntooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?\r\n\r\nDoesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a\r\nsingle annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?\r\n\r\nIf teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?\r\n\r\nSometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what\r\nlanguage do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run\r\nand feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?\r\n\r\nHow can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and\r\noversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold\r\nas hell another?\r\n\r\nHave you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?\r\n\r\nYou have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you\r\nfill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.\r\n\r\nEnglish was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of\r\ncourse, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 623,
"title": "English Language"
},
{
"body": "To the tune of \"I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover\":\r\n\r\nI'm looking over my dead dog Rover\r\nThat I ran over with the power mower\r\nOne leg is missing, another is gone\r\nThe third leg is scattered all over the lawn\r\nNo need explainin' the one remainin'\r\nIs under the car port door\r\nI'm looking over my dead dog Rover\r\nThat I overlooked before!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 625,
"title": "Rover"
},
{
"body": "\"Mommy, I hate my sister's guts!\"\r\n\r\n\"Shut up and eat what's put in front of you!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 626,
"title": "Yuck!"
},
{
"body": "Then there was the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a good figure.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 627,
"title": "Model"
},
{
"body": "She frowned and called him Mr.\r\nBecause in sport he kr.\r\nAnd so in spite\r\nThat very night\r\nThe Mr. kr. sr.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 629,
"title": "Abbreviations Limerick"
},
{
"body": "\"How can you stand it?\" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. \"Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!\"\r\n\r\n\"Who listens?\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 630,
"title": "Psychiatrists"
},
{
"body": "Then there was the neat nurse, who made the patient without disturbing the bed.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 631,
"title": "Neat Nurse"
},
{
"body": "Then there were the three bears. One married a giraffe. The other two put him up to it.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 632,
"title": "Three Bears"
},
{
"body": "Mind Over Matter \r\n\r\nIf you don't mind, \r\nit doesn't matter.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 634,
"title": "Mind Over Matter"
},
{
"body": "\"Madame,\" said the psychiatrist, \"you haven't got a complex; you ARE inferior.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 635,
"title": "Complex"
},
{
"body": "Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with\r\nstealing several paintings from the Louvre.\r\n\r\nHowever, after planning the crime, and getting\r\nin and out past incredible security, he was\r\ncaptured only two blocks away when his Econoline\r\nran out of gas.\r\n\r\nWhen asked how he could mastermind such a crime\r\nand then make such an obvious error, he replied:\r\n\r\nI had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 636,
"title": "Louvre"
},
{
"body": "The wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, \"Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 637,
"title": "Hollywood Story"
},
{
"body": "The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 638,
"title": "Roman Holidays"
},
{
"body": "Why is it that when we talk to God we call it\r\npraying, yet when God talks to us we are schizophrenic?\r\n\r\n-Lily Tomlin",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 639,
"title": "Praying"
},
{
"body": "Did you see that movie about the pirate? \r\n\r\nIt's rated Arrr!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 640,
"title": "Pirate Movie"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, it takes 2 toilets to fit one cheek!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 641,
"title": "Toiletry"
},
{
"body": "Your mama so fat that she has to wear traintracks for a belt!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 642,
"title": "A Belt?"
},
{
"body": "Your mama so old and fat that she went to see Mt. Rushmore and sang \"We Are Family\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 643,
"title": "Mt. Rushmore"
},
{
"body": "Your mama so big that people walk around her for exercise.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 644,
"title": "Walking"
},
{
"body": "Little Jimmy bit his fingernails all the time. His parents tried everything to get him to stop, but to no avail. Finally, his mother, exasperated, decided to tell him a little white lie to get him to stop. \r\n\r\n\"Jimmy,\" she said, \"You'd better stop biting your fingernails. If you don't, then those fingernails will pile up inside your stomach and soon your stomach will be huge and full of fingernails.\" Jimmy, worried about the idea of fingernails in his stomach, agreed to stop. \r\n\r\nThe next day, Jimmy and his mom were shopping in a supermarket. They went to check out, and a pregnant woman was waiting in line in front of them. Jimmy beamed at the pregnant woman and said, \"I know what YOU'VE been doing....\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 647,
"title": "Biting Your Fingernails!"
},
{
"body": "Duck #1: Quack\r\nDuck #2: Quack\r\nDuck #3: Quack Quack\r\nDuck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3. \r\nDuck #2: \"Why did you shoot him?\" \r\nDuck #1: \"He knew too much.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 648,
"title": "Quack Quack"
},
{
"body": "One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking in the woods. She put her head between some bushes and suddenly she sees the wolf with his eyes wide open and red.\r\nShe asks him, \"Why are your eyes so big, wolf?\" \r\nThe wolf answers, \"Shut up and let me shit in peace!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 649,
"title": "Little Red Riding Hood"
},
{
"body": "A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, \"Is my time up?\r\n\r\nGod said, \"No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live.\" Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a \r\nface lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.\r\n\r\nAfter her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.\r\n\r\nArriving in front of God, she demanded, \"I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?\"\r\n\r\nGod replied, \"Girl, I didn't recognize you.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 650,
"title": "Time Left to Live"
},
{
"body": "What is Mary short for?\r\n\r\nFor having no legs, of course...If you didn't have any, you would be short too.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 651,
"title": "Mary Short For..."
},
{
"body": "Hey, have any of you heard of the kidnapping in the woods?\r\n\r\nYeah, well, it all turns out OK, though, since he woke up...",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 652,
"title": "Kidnapping in the Woods..."
},
{
"body": "A man has returned to his car after coming out of a local shopping centre and notices that his rear bumper is completely bashed in and the back half of his car is severely crushed. He goes to the front to see if there's any damage there and finds a note on the windshield. Relieved that the other motorist left a note he opens it up and reads it.\r\nIt says,\r\n\"Dear Sir or Madam, So very sorry about your car. But you see, I don't currently have insurance so I can't afford to pay you for the damages. But a crowd was gathering after I had smashed your car and I had to look like I was writing down my name and phone number. And since I couldn't do that, I decided to write this instead. Have a nice day.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 654,
"title": "Hit and Run"
},
{
"body": "Two guys are sitting there enjoying the Saturday night baseball game. It is the top of the 2nd inning when suddenly they notice two Nuns arrive at the game. Lo and behold the Nuns enter the row in front of them and make there way along, of course sitting directly in front of them. \r\n\r\nWell, their disgust was overwhelming... Nuns... at a baseball match!!! One of them immediately comes out with the comment \"Go to a basketball game, ya wouldn't find Nuns there now would ya!?\". \r\n\r\nA little while on, the other of the two comments \"Go to a football game, ya wouldn't find Nuns there now would ya!?\". \r\n\r\nAgain, not more than five minutes later, the first one mentions \"Go to a Ice Hockey game, you wouldn't find Nuns there now would ya!?\". \r\n\r\nWell that was obviously the breaking point and immediately one of the Nuns turned to the two men, bellowing \"Go to hell! Ya won't find Nuns there either!!!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 655,
"title": "At the Baseball"
},
{
"body": "A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, \"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.\"\r\n\r\nSo next Sunday, he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.\r\n\r\nUpon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:\r\n\r\n1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.\r\n2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.\r\n3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.\r\n4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.\r\n5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.\r\n6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.\r\n7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.\r\n8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.\r\n9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.\r\n10) We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.\r\n11) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.\r\n12) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 656,
"title": "The New Priest"
},
{
"body": "A man goes to the doctor and says \"Doctor doctor! I can't eat food through my mouth cause it hurts\" The doc says \"Try eating through your bum, it might help\" A few weeks later the doctor sees the man walking down the road in a very weird way, he asks \"Why are you walking like that? Are you hurt?\" The man replies \"No you fool! I'm chewing a toffie\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 657,
"title": "Hum Hum"
},
{
"body": "In your next life would you rather be a female bear?\r\n\r\nIf you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. Could you deal with that?\r\n\r\nBefore you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. Could you deal with that too?\r\n\r\nIf you're a bear, you give birth to your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. Could you deal with that?\r\n\r\nIf you're a mumma bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. Could you deal with that?\r\n\r\nIf you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.\r\n\r\nAny women out there rather be a bear?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 658,
"title": "The Next Life"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. \r\n\"Hello?\" she cried...but no answer. \r\n\"Is there anyone here?\" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.... \r\nNow the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: \r\n\"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?\" \r\n\r\nThen she heard a voice from far, far away ... \"Hello - we're all down here....\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 659,
"title": "Brain Cell"
},
{
"body": "Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They're in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the \"Rev\" Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word \"tragedy.\"\r\n\r\nSo the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a \"tragedy\". One little boy stands up and offers: \"If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" says the Great Jesse Jackson, \"That would be an accident.\"\r\n\r\nA little girl raises her hand: \"If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm afraid not,\" explains the exalted spiritual leader. \"That's what we would call a great loss.\"\r\n\r\nThe room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. \"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?\"\r\n\r\nFinally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: \"If a jet carrying the Rev. and Mrs. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.\"\r\n\r\n\"Fantastic!\" exclains Jackson, \"That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" says the boy, \"because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 660,
"title": "Jesse Jackson"
},
{
"body": "One day, George W. Bush was leaving a very interesting meeting of the United Nations. Once stepping outside, he was met by the Iraqi ambassador, and he started to talk to George. \r\n\r\n\"You know, George, my children are here on this trip with me to the States, and they have gained interest in your television programs. They have especially like the television show Star Trek, although one thing is bothering them about it...The show shows how the races of the Earth can come together in the starship Enterprise, although, they have never seen an Iraqi citizen aboard the ship, and they were just wondering; Why is that?\"\r\n\r\nGeorge chuckles a little and gives him a short answer to his question. \"Because it takes place in the FUTURE!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 661,
"title": "Star Trek"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat she used Saturn's rings as hoola-hoops!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 662,
"title": "Saturns Rings"
},
{
"body": "What are two blondes doing in front of a motorcycle?\r\n\r\nArguing about who get a window seat.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 663,
"title": "Motorcycle"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a smart blond?\r\n\r\nAn Endangered species",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 664,
"title": "Smart Blond?"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a movie about a man trying to make a blond smart?\r\n\r\nMission Impossible",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 665,
"title": "Mission Impossible"
},
{
"body": "There are 99 Blonds on a plane and 1 Brunette. The captain radios in that they are going down, So they drop all the luggage. They were still going down so they drop out all the chairs. They were still going down so they dropped the floor. So they are hanging by their hands from the top on the plane with no floor. So the captain say's \"1 person jump out\" the Brunette say's \"I'll sacrifice my life\", and all the Blonds start clapping.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 666,
"title": "99 Blonds and 1 Brunette"
},
{
"body": "Why do blondes climb chain-link fences?\r\n\r\nTo see what's on the other side.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 667,
"title": "Chain Link Fence"
},
{
"body": "Why does a blond wear a tight skirt?\r\nTo keep her legs closed",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 668,
"title": "Tight Skirt"
},
{
"body": "What is more stupid then a brunette trying to start a fire in a pool? \r\nA blonde trying to put it out.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 669,
"title": "Pool Fire"
},
{
"body": "What do you call an intelligent blonde?\r\n\r\nA Golden Retriever",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 670,
"title": "Intelligent Blonde?"
},
{
"body": "A blonde is on the road when suddenly she gets a phonecall from her friend: \"Watch out! I heard on the radio that some lunatic is going against traffic!\" So the blonde says, \"Only one? They all are!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 674,
"title": "Blonde on the Road"
},
{
"body": "How many Dyslexics does it take to change a Lit Blub?",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 675,
"title": "Dyslexics"
},
{
"body": "Anyone remember Roy Clark, host of TV's \"Hee Haw\"?\r\n\r\nOnce, cohost Buck Owens was visiting Roy's home in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. Roy was upset because he had just bought a beautiful new pair of genuine leather boots that were completely destroyed by a mountain lion the night before when Roy had left them on the back porch.\r\n\r\nRoy was bound and determined to get the animal, so he and Buck, and several townspeople, took up arms and searched the hills. The group searched for hours to no avail. Then suddenly, Buck heard a feline wail.\r\n\r\nBuck turns to his friend and sings:\r\n\r\n\"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 676,
"title": "Roy's Cowboy Boots"
},
{
"body": "Why do ducks have webbed feet? \r\nTo stamp out fires. \r\nWhy do elephants have flat feet? \r\nTo stamp out burning ducks.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 677,
"title": "Elephants & Ducks"
},
{
"body": "This was unveiled by scientists as \"The Funniest Joke in the World\":\r\n\r\nTwo hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.\r\nHe gasps: \"My friend is dead! What can I do?\" The operator says: \"Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.\"\r\nThere is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: \"OK, now what?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 678,
"title": "Two Hunters"
},
{
"body": "A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. \r\n\"What are you doin?\" his mother asked; \"you can't eat them if the seal is broken.\"\r\nThe boy explained, \"I'm looking for the seal.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 679,
"title": "Animal Crackers"
},
{
"body": "A waiter asks a man, \"May I take your order, sir?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" the man replies. \"I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?\"\r\n\r\n\"Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 682,
"title": "Chicken"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat, she coughed next to a corn field and made popcorn.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 684,
"title": "Popcorn"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between men and women?\r\n\r\nWomen zoom with a camera by walking closer or farther away; men just push the button!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 685,
"title": "Camera"
},
{
"body": "10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures. \r\n9. Is overly enthusiastic about 'Dungeons and Dragons' and other role playing games. \r\n8. Very familiar with megahertz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture. \r\n7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up. \r\n6. Says 'Whom' instead of 'Who.' \r\n5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning. \r\n4. Prefers NPR to any music. \r\n3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about. \r\n2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game. \r\n1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of his choice.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 687,
"title": "10 Signs to See If Your Kid is a Nerd."
},
{
"body": "Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table. \r\n\"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?\" said the first gal. \r\n\"Could you pass me the honey, honey?\" said the second. \r\n\"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?\" said the third.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 688,
"title": "3 Couples..."
},
{
"body": "A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.\r\nHis friend says: \"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.\"\r\n\r\nThe man then replies: \"Yeah, well we were married 35 years.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 689,
"title": "On the Golf Course"
},
{
"body": "When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. \r\n\r\nThe Russians used a pencil.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 690,
"title": "A Pen in Space"
},
{
"body": "A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: \"That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!\" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: \"The driver just insulted me!\"\r\nThe man says: \"You go right up there and tell him off; go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 691,
"title": "The Ugliest Baby"
},
{
"body": "What did the wall say to the picture?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nHow's it hangin`?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 692,
"title": "Wall to Wall"
},
{
"body": "Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began. \r\n\"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ.\" \r\n\r\n\"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P? \r\n\r\n\"It's running down my leg.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 694,
"title": "Where's the P?"
},
{
"body": "I wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 697,
"title": "Gas"
},
{
"body": "You are so stupid you tripped over a cordless phone!\r\n\r\nYou are so stupid you got locked in a furniture store and sat on the floor!\r\n\r\nYou are so stupid you didn't know how to swim so you got in the fish tank to try and learn!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 698,
"title": "You Are...."
},
{
"body": "What happens when the smog clears over southern California?\r\n\r\nUCLA",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 701,
"title": "California"
},
{
"body": "Mama Skunk had two children named In and Out.\r\n\r\nThe two were always on the go, but rarely in one place at the same time. Whenever In was in, Out was out. Whenever In was out, Out was in.\r\n\r\nOne day at dinner time, Out was home, but In was no where to be seen. Mama Skunk sent Out out to bring In in for dinner. Out quickly returned with In and Mama was amazed.\r\n\r\n\"However did you find In so quickly in all the vast forest?\" asked Mama.\r\n\r\n\"Easy,\" said Out. \"Instinct!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 702,
"title": "In and Out"
},
{
"body": "A man was enjoying a pleasant afternoon of golf.\r\n\r\nOn the 15th hole, he drove his ball to the right of the fairway into a patch of buttercups. As he neared the ball, he heard a small voice say, \"Please sir, don't hurt my buttercups!.\"\r\n\r\nHe looked around, but there was no one nearby. So he starts towards his ball again and hears, \"Please sir, don't hurt my buttercups!\"\r\n\r\nWell, the man is a little disturbed by this, so he decides to leave that ball and play another, even though this will cost him a stroke. After he makes his play, an elf appears!\r\n\r\n\"Thank you, sir, for not hurting my buttercups. As a reward, I will give you all the butter you could ever want.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, that's great,\" replied the man, \"but where were you when I was in the pussy willows?!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 703,
"title": "Buttercups"
},
{
"body": "Roses are red,\r\nViolets are blue,\r\nI thought I was stupid,\r\nThen I met you!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 704,
"title": "Roses are Red"
},
{
"body": "There were 3 men who wanted to buy toilets, so they went to the nearest store and were looking at the new designs of the toilets.\r\n\r\nThe first guy asks for a toilet that would go nice in his log cabin out in the woods, so the salesman sells him a toilet made of wood.\r\n\r\nThe second guy asks for a toilet that would be nice for an igloo, so the salesman sells him a toilet made of ice.\r\n\r\nThe third guy asked for the nicest toilet they have that would go in the National History of Canada Museums employee restroom, so the salesman sells him a singing toilet with a picture of the Canadian flag on the tank.\r\n\r\nWell, they all get what they asked for.\r\n\r\nThe next day all 3 men come back with their toilets.\r\n\r\nThe first man says, \"This toilet sucks. Whenever I try to use it, I get pieces of wood stuck in my butt.\"\r\n\r\nThe second man says, \"This toilet sucks. Whenever I try to use it my butt gets frozen to the seat and I have to use a hairdryer to get my butt off.\"\r\n\r\nThe third man says, \"This toilet is too patriotic. Whenever I want to use the toilet, I sit down and the toilet plays 'O Canada, and I have to stand up'.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 705,
"title": "3 Toilets"
},
{
"body": "Man#1 is mowing his lawn when 2 hearses come down his street going very very slowly. The hearses are followed by a man walking a dog. And behind the man and the dog is a line of men walking single-file. There must have been 5 or 6 dozen men following. Curious about the procession Man#1 runs to catch up with Man#2 and his dog.\r\nMan#1 asks Man#2 who's in the first hearse.\r\nMan#2 replies, \"My wife. My dog bit her. And she died in the hospital a bit later.\"\r\nMan#1 says, \"I'm so very sorry for your loss. Mind if I ask who's in the second hearse?\"\r\nMan#2 says, \"Not at all, it's my mother in law. My dog also bit her and she died later in the hospital.\"\r\nMan#1 replies, \"Can I borrow your dog?\"\r\nMan#2, \"Get in line.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 706,
"title": "The Dog"
},
{
"body": "How do you know a blonde is having a bad day?\r\n\r\nHer tampon is behind her ear, and she's looking for her pencil.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 707,
"title": "Bad Day"
},
{
"body": "The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. \"Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?\" demands the gangster. The accountant is silent. \"Where's my $3 million?\" the crime boss shouts.\r\n\r\nThe lawyer explains: \"Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate.\"\r\n\r\nUsing sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money; the message relayed back is that the accountant knows nothing about it.\r\n\r\nFurious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer, \"Ask him again where my %#*!@#&*# money is!\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay! Okay!\" the deaf accountant signs back. \"The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my backyard.\"\r\n\r\n\"What did he say?\" demands the enraged crime boss.\r\n\r\nThe attorney replies, \"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 709,
"title": "Deaf Accountant"
},
{
"body": "1960's arithmetic test: \r\nA logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four fifths of that amount. What is his profit?\r\n\r\n1970's new-math test:\r\nA logger exchanges a set (L) of lumber for a set (M) of money. The cardinality of set M is 100. The set C of production costs contains 20 fewer points. What is the cardinality of set P of profits?\r\n\r\n1980's \"dumbed down\" version:\r\nA logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost is $80, his profit is $20. Find and circle the number 20.\r\n\r\n1990's version:\r\nAn unenlightened logger cuts down a beautiful stand of 100 trees in order to make a $20 profit. Write an essay explaining how you feel about this as a way to make money. Topic for discussion: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 710,
"title": "Arithmetic Test"
},
{
"body": "I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 711,
"title": "Old-fashioned Way"
},
{
"body": "\"My husband won a trip for two to Hawaii,\" a woman complained to her marriage counsellor. \r\n \"He went twice!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 712,
"title": "Trip to Hawaii"
},
{
"body": "Jack tells his shrink, \"Last night I dreamed you were my mother.\"\r\n\r\n\"How did you feel about it after you woke up?\" asks the psychiatrist.\r\n\r\n\"I overslept,\" answers Jack. \"Then I remembered I had an appointment with you, so I grabbed a Coke and some cookies for breakfast and came right over. I didn't really have time to think about it. What does it mean, doc?\"\r\n\r\n\"A Coke and some cookies?\" says the psychiatrist. \"You call that breakfast?\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 713,
"title": "Dream"
},
{
"body": "NAMES OF ACTUAL COUPLES GETTING MARRIED:\r\nBroken-Bridge\r\nSarry-Huney\r\nBig-Theisman\r\nLossin-Hare\r\nRedder-Bottum\r\n\r\nCAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW LONG THOSE COUPLES LAST!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 714,
"title": "Weird Weddings"
},
{
"body": "Actual Newspaper Headline:\r\n\r\nKids Make Great Snacks For Teachers.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 715,
"title": "Headline"
},
{
"body": "An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, \"Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?\"\r\n \r\n\"There's something wrong with my penis,\" he replied.\r\n \r\nThe receptionist became irritated and said, \"You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that.\"\r\n \r\n\"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,\" he said.\r\n \r\nThe receptionist replied, \"You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong \r\nwith your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.\"\r\n \r\nThe man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.\r\n \r\nThe receptionist smiled smugly and asked, \"Yes?\"\r\n \r\n\"There's something wrong with my ear,\" he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.\r\n \r\n\"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?\"\r\n \r\n\"I can't piss out of it,\" the man replied.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 716,
"title": "Snotty Receptionist"
},
{
"body": "A few minutes before the church services start the parishioners are sitting \r\nin their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appears at the front of the\r\nchurch. Everyone starts screaming and running for the door, trampling\r\neach other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon\r\neveryone is gone except for an elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew, \r\nseemingly unaware that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.\r\n\r\nSatan walks up to the old man and asks, \"Don't you know who I am?\"\r\n\"Yep,\" the old guy replies, \"sure do.\"\r\n\"Aren't you afraid of me?\" Satan asks.\r\n\"Nope, sure ain't.\" says the man.\r\n\"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?\"\r\n\"Don't doubt it for a minute.\" says the old man.\r\n\"Don't you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying, physical\r\nAGONY for all eternity??\" persists Satan.\r\n\"Yep.\" is the calm reply.\r\n\"And you're still not afraid??\"\r\n\"Nope.\"\r\nFrustrated and more than just a little perturbed now Satan asks, \"Well,\r\nwhy aren't you afraid of me???\"\r\n\r\n\"I've been married to your sister for over 50 years\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 717,
"title": "Devil in Church"
},
{
"body": "The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, \"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.\"\r\n\r\n On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. \"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.\"\r\n She calmly turned her head and said, \"In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.\"\r\n\r\n To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, \"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you - put the tray up, bitch!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 718,
"title": "The Flight Attendant"
},
{
"body": "A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen.\r\nIt only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say \"Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant.\" \r\nThe mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.\r\nThe doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an screamed,\r\n\r\n\"Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 720,
"title": "Staring Out The Window"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n \r\nA: One. \r\nOnly ONE!!\r\n And do you know why it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNT OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they have been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*%&$ LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS........... \r\n I'm sorry...what did you ask me?",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 721,
"title": "Women"
},
{
"body": "The following ad is reported to have gotten numerous calls:\r\n\r\nSINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant..\r\nI'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.\"\r\n \r\n \r\n \r\nCallers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Labrador Retriever.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 722,
"title": "Want Ad"
},
{
"body": "Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, \"Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess.\"\r\nTonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, \"Buffalo come.\"\r\nThe Lone Ranger says to Tonto, \"How do you know?\"\r\nTonto says, \"Ear sticky.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 723,
"title": "Lone Ranger"
},
{
"body": "1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.\r\n2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. \r\n3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. \r\n4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. \r\n5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. \r\n6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. \r\n7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. \r\n8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw. \r\n9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. \r\n10. Rinse conditioner off hair (take at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). \r\n11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. \r\n12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure. \r\n13. Turn off shower. \r\n14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. \r\n15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. \r\n16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. \r\n17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. \r\n18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 725,
"title": "How to Shower Like a Woman"
},
{
"body": "1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. \r\n2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the \"woo\" sound. \r\n3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch \r\nyour \"privates\" and smell your fingers for one last whiff. \r\n4. Get in the shower. \r\n5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one). \r\n6. Wash your face. \r\n7. Wash your armpits. \r\n8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. \r\n9. Wash your privates and surrounding area. \r\n10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar. \r\n11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). \r\n12. Make a shampoo Mohawk. \r\n13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. \r\n14. Pee (in the shower). \r\n15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. \r\n16. Partially dry off. \r\n17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again. \r\n18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. \r\n19. Leave bathroom fan and light on. \r\n20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go \"Yeah baby\" and thrust your pelvis at her.\r\n21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 726,
"title": "How to Shower Like a Man"
},
{
"body": "1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it. \r\n\r\n2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. \r\n\r\n3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. \r\n\r\n4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. \r\n\r\n5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does. \r\n\r\n6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, today along came today. \r\n\r\n7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain \r\nconsciousness. \r\n\r\n8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes! \r\n\r\n9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, \"Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?\" \r\n\r\nClear as a bell my body said, \"Listen fatty....do it and die.\" \r\n\r\n10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 727,
"title": "Divine Secrets of the YAYA Sisterhood"
},
{
"body": "Why don't blind people sky dive?\r\n\r\nBecause it scares the crap outta the dog.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 728,
"title": "Blind Sky Diving"
},
{
"body": "What do Constipated Mathematicians do?\r\nWork it out with a pencil.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 729,
"title": "Mathematician"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama's so ugly not even the tide would take her out.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 730,
"title": "So Ugly"
},
{
"body": "A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, \"Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, how about that!\" he exclaimed. \"They've got three people buried in one grave.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 731,
"title": "Epitaph"
},
{
"body": "Overheard in a doctor's waiting room:\r\n\r\n\"My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour's bed at the time.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 732,
"title": "Cough"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?\r\n\r\nHe got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination but knocks on the door when it gets there.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 733,
"title": "Pigeon and Woodpecker"
},
{
"body": "What did the Zen Buddhist say to the New York hot-dog vendor?\r\n\r\n\"Make me one with everything.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 734,
"title": "Zen"
},
{
"body": "Mother to teenage daughter:\r\n\r\n\"The bad news is, we're moving to a different city. The good news is, your new school is full of boys who didn't see you get sick in the cafeteria last month.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 735,
"title": "Bad News/Good News"
},
{
"body": "Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale.\r\n\r\nPanic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 736,
"title": "Pride and Panic"
},
{
"body": "A priest was walking down the street when he saw a little boy jumping up and down to try to reach a doorbell. So the priest walked over and pressed the button for the youngster. \"And now what, my little man?\" he asked.\r\n\r\n\"Now,\" said the boy, \"run like hell!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 737,
"title": "Helpful Priest"
},
{
"body": "A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.\r\n\r\nOn this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, \"I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is.\" The children nodded eagerly.\r\n\r\n\"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)...\" No hands went up. \"And it is grey (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)...\" The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. \"And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)...\"Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.\"Well,\" said the boy, \"I KNOW the answer is suposed to be Jesus ...but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 739,
"title": "Bad Object Leason"
},
{
"body": "One Sunday morning, as was his custom, the pastor of a small church had all the children come up front for a brief children's church. He enjoyed asking the children various questions, and hearing their answers. On this particular morning, he noticed little Susie feeling a bit shy, so he leans over to her and says, \"Susie, that's certainly a lovely dress you're wearing!\" Little Susie then leans over and says right into the pastor's lapel mic, \"yes, and my mommy says its a bitch to iron\".",
"category": "Children",
"id": 740,
"title": "The Pretty Dress"
},
{
"body": "Two boys are playing football at this park in a small town in South Carolina when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking\r\nquickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend.\r\n\r\nA sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write the story and says, \"I'll title it 'Young Tiger Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal.'\" \"But I'm not a Tiger fan\", the little hero replies. \"Sorry, since we're in South Carolina, I just assumed you were\", says the reporter and\r\nhe starts writing again.\r\n\r\nHe asks, \"How does 'Gamecock Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack' sound?\"\r\n\"I'm not a Gamecock fan either\", the boy says.\r\n\"Oh, I thought everyone in South Carolina was either for the Tigers or the Gamecocks. \"What team do you root for?\", the reporter asks.\r\n\r\n\"I'm just visiting my cousin, I'm a Georgia Bulldog fan\", the boy replies, \"they're just the best!\"\r\nThe reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: \"Little Redneck Bastard From Georgia Kills Beloved Family Pet\".",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 741,
"title": "Georgia Bulldog"
},
{
"body": "HIS and HERS Road Trip \r\n\r\nHERS: \r\n\r\n1. Pulls off at wrong exit. \r\n2. Opens window \r\n3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer \r\n4. Arrives at destination presently. \r\n\r\nHIS: \r\n\r\n1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one. \r\n2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right. \r\n3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case. \r\n4. Finally rolls down window \r\n5. Hocks a loogie \r\n6. Pulls up to a 7 -11 \r\n7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky \r\n8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway. \r\n9. Gets back into car. \r\n10. Farts \r\n11. After he closes the door. \r\n12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11. \r\n13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was. \r\n14. Almost hits a deer \r\n15. Curses the night \r\n16. Curses you \r\n17. Curses the large slurpee \r\n18. Stops by the side of the road \r\n19. Takes a leak \r\n20. Still taking a leak. \r\n21. Almost done \r\n22. I think. \r\n23. Returns to car \r\n24. Drives and fiddles with radio. \r\n25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again \r\n26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway. \r\n27. He hates your sister. \r\n28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel \r\n29. He had to look up pernicious. \r\n30. Couldn't find a dictionary. \r\n31. Finally found a dictionary \r\n32. Couldn't spell pernicious. \r\n33. Seethes at the memory of it all \r\n34. But she is laughing inside... \r\n35. And of course you're still lost.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 742,
"title": "Roat Trip"
},
{
"body": "You hear crack is illegal and you pull up your pants.\r\nSomeone yells \"Hoe Down\" at a dance and your wife falls to the floor.\r\nYou use newspapers for more than 3 uses in your home.\r\nYour family tree is a wreath.\r\nIf your home is mobile but the 4 cars in your yard are not.\r\nYour father gave you this advice, \"If you can't keep it in your pants, at least keep it in the family.\"\r\nThe last thing relatives say before they die is, \"Hey Ya'll! Watch this!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 743,
"title": "You Know You're A Redneck If..."
},
{
"body": "A drunk stumbles into a confessional.\r\nThe priest on the other side hears someone enter but yet the man does not speak.\r\nSo the priest knocks on the wall of the confessional and hears the drunk say, \"Forget it buddy, theres no toiletpaper in this one either!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 744,
"title": "The Mistaken Drunk"
},
{
"body": "TEXAS SALESMAN -\r\n\r\nA young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, \"Do you have any sales experience?\"\r\n\r\nThe kid says, \"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.\" The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.\" You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.\" His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. \"How many sales did you make today?\"\r\n\r\nThe kid says, \"One.\"\r\n\r\nBoss says, \"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?\" The kid says \"$101,237.64.\"\r\n\r\nBoss says \"$101,237.64? What the heck did you sell?\"\r\n\r\nThe kid says, \"First I sold him a small fish hook; then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook; then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.\"\r\n\r\nThe boss said, \"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?\"\r\n\r\nThe kid says, \"No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, \"Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 745,
"title": "The Salesman"
},
{
"body": "\"For Gods sakes Bill! Help her find it!.\" ~Hillary after walking in with Monica on her hands and knees in front of Bill",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 746,
"title": "Hillary, Monica, and Bill"
},
{
"body": "Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.\r\n\r\nSuddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After few moments it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.\r\n\r\n\"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head, \"No.\" \"Kin yah breathe?\" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head, \"NO\" again.\r\n\r\nThe first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs\r\nhis tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the\r\nobstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.\r\n\r\nThe cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, \"Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 747,
"title": "All Choked Up"
},
{
"body": "A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game\r\nfor the first time.\r\nAfter the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked\r\nthe game. \"Oh, I really liked it,\" she said, \"but I\r\njust couldn't understand why they were killing each\r\nother for 25 cents.\"\r\nWhat on earth do you mean???\"\r\nWell, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and\r\nthen for the rest of the game all they kept screaming\r\nwas: \"Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 748,
"title": "Blonde Football"
},
{
"body": "A young child walks into a corner store and picks up a big box of laundry detergent.\r\nThe storekeep trying to be friendly says, \"Got a lot of laundry to do?\"\r\nThe boy says, \"Haha no. I'm actually going to go wash my dog with it.\"\r\nThe storekeep says, \"Son, that stuff is very powerful. If you use it to wash your dog the dog might become sick or even die!\"\r\nThe boy replies, \"Don't worry, he'll be fine.\"\r\nAnd the boy leaves. The next day the boy returns to buy some candy.\r\nThe storekeep asks the boy about his dog and how the washing went.\r\nThe boy replies sadly, \"He died...\"\r\nThe storekeep says as gently as he can, \"I'm sorry son. But I warned you this might happen if you wash the dog with detergent.\"\r\nThe boy replies, \"I don't think it was the laundry detergent that killed him. I think it was the spin cycle.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 749,
"title": "Washin The Dog"
},
{
"body": "A man asked people for fifty-thousand dollars for his talking dog. He brings him into the bar, but the bartender doesn't believe the dog can talk so the guy asks the dog, \"What's the opposite of smooth?\" \r\n\r\nThe dog says, \"Rough.\" \r\n\r\nAnd then the guy asks the dog, \"What's the part of the house that has the chimney sticking out of it?\"\r\n\r\n\"Roof.\" \r\n\r\n\"And who was the great homerun hitter in the twenties and thirties?\" \r\n\r\n\"Ruth!\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender says, \"You big fake, get that dog out of here.\" So the guy and his dog go outside. Then the dog says, \"What was I supposed to say? Mel Ott?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 750,
"title": "Talking Dog"
},
{
"body": "\"Excuse me, Sir.\"\r\n \r\n\"Is that you again, Moses?\"\r\n\r\n \"I'm afraid it is, Sir.\"\r\n\r\n \"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?\"\r\n\r\n \"How did you guess?\"\r\n\r\n \"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?\"\r\n\r\n \"Oh, yes; I forgot.\"\r\n\r\n \"Tell me what you want, Moses.\"\r\n\r\n \"But you already know, Sir. Remember?\"\r\n\r\n \"Moses!\"\r\n\r\n \"Sorry, Sir.\"\r\n\r\n \"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out.\"\r\n\r\n \"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?\"\r\n\r\n \"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?\"\r\n\r\n \"That's it. I was wondering if they are important.\"\r\n\r\n \"What do you mean 'if they are important', Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you.\"\r\n\r\n \"Well - sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that.\"\r\n\r\n \"What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?\"\r\n\r\n \"No, Sir; I forgot.\"\r\n\r\n \"You should always save, Moses.\"\r\n\r\n \"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though.\"\r\n\r\n \"And did you hear back from any of them?\"\r\n\r\n \"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?\"\r\n\r\n \"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning.\"\r\n\r\n \"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?\"\r\n\r\n \"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that.\"\r\n\r\n \"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?\"\r\n\r\n\"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses.\"\r\n\r\n \"Oh, yes. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff,and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer.\"\r\n\r\n \"And what did he say?\"\r\n\r\n \"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those - err - plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?\"\r\n\r\n \"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses.\"\r\n\r\n \"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them.\"\r\n\r\n \"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers\"\r\n\r\n \"I was afraid you would say that, Sir.\"\r\n\r\n \"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?\"\r\n\r\n \"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer.\"\r\n\r\n \"It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?\"\r\n\r\n \"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?\"\r\n\r\n \"No, Moses.\"\r\n\r\n \"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?\"\r\n\r\n \"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to.\"\r\n\r\n \"Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'\"\r\n\r\n \"Say good night, Moses.\"\r\n\r\n \"Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back.\"\r\n\r\n \"Which ones are they, Moses?\"\r\n\r\n \"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'\"\r\n\r\n \"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 751,
"title": "Moses Talks to God"
},
{
"body": "How many men does it take to change a roll of\r\ntoilet paper?\r\n\r\nWe don't know, it has never happened.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 752,
"title": "Toilet Paper"
},
{
"body": "2 old ladies are at the bus stop waiting for a bus when it starts to rain. Not wanting to lose her cigarette, one of the old ladies took a condom and a pair of scissors out of her purse, snipped off the end of the condom and slid it over her cigarette.\r\nThe 2nd lady noticed this and thought it was a brilliant idea, so the next day she goes to the pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms.\r\nThe man says, \"Sure, what size would you like?\"\r\nThe woman, thinking about her cigarettes, says, \"One that will fit a Camel.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 753,
"title": "2 Women Smoking"
},
{
"body": "Seeing her son is still in bed, Mary goes to wake him up for school. When she wakes him up he says, \"But I don't want to go to school mom.\"\r\nMary quite annoyed at this childlike behaviour says, \"Well why not? You have to go.\"\r\nThe son replies, \"But I don't like it. The kids are mean to me, the teachers hate me, and everyone makes fun of me.\"\r\nMary calmly replies, \"I'm sorry son. But you MUST go to school!.\"\r\nThe son says, \"But whyyyy?\"\r\nMary annoyed at the delay says, \"Because you're the damn principal!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 754,
"title": "I don't wanna go..."
},
{
"body": "With the daily time taken working on computers, avoiding things like RSI and any strain related illnesses is crucial to maintaining a healthy working environment. The following excercise has been devised by medical experts in the field of RSI research to ensure that if performed, will place the exerciser in a position of minimal risk. Simply follow the on-screen instructions.\r\n\r\nScroll down.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\nScroll Up",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 755,
"title": "Computer Exercises"
},
{
"body": "A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.\r\n\r\n\"Nurse,\" he mumbles from behind the mask, \"Are my testicles black?\"\r\n\r\nEmbarrassed, the young nurse replies, \"I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands.\"\r\n\r\nHe struggles again to ask, \"Nurse, are my testicles black?\"\r\n\r\nAgain the nurse replies, \"I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands.\"\r\n\r\nThe ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.\r\n\r\n\"Sister,\" he mumbled, \"Are my testicles black?\"\r\n\r\nBeing a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of\r\nthe way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, \"Nothing wrong with them!!!\"\r\n\r\nAt this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, \"Are my test results back???\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 756,
"title": "My Prognosis Is?"
},
{
"body": "A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, \"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?\" \r\nShe responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, \"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!\" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. \r\nNaturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. \r\nAfter a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, \"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.\"\r\nTo which he responds, at the top of his lungs, \"What do you mean, $200?\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 757,
"title": "Psychology Student"
},
{
"body": "What's the definition of Endless Love?\r\n\r\nStevie Wonder playing Ray Charles at Tennis!\r\n\r\nEndless Love!",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 758,
"title": "Endless Love"
},
{
"body": "The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, 'I have some good news and some bad news.' They ask for the good news first.\r\n\r\nAziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.'\r\n\r\n'And the bad news?' they ask.\r\n\r\nAziz replies, 'He's lost an arm'.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 761,
"title": "Body Doubles"
},
{
"body": "A man has just been in a car accident and has severe brain damage. So his sister is called in to take care of his medical decisions. First off, the doctor decides the man needs a new brain since his is so badly damaged. So they need to go find a brain for the transplant.\r\nThey go down to the basement where all the brains are and there are 3 jars.\r\nThe doctor points to the first jar and says, \"That brain belonged to a woman. It will cost your brother $20 a gram.\"\r\nThe doctor then points to the second jar, \"That will cost you $40 a gram. It once belonged to one of our female doctors and she was quite a brilliant person.\"\r\nThe doctor then points to the third jar and says, \"That is a brain that once belonged to a man. It costs $200 a gram.\"\r\nThe sister replies, \"Why is the male brain so much more expensive?\"\r\nThe doctor replies, \"Are you joking!? Do you know how hard it is to find a gram of a male's brain??\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 762,
"title": "The Brains"
},
{
"body": "A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, \"Pull over!\" at the top of his lungs. \"No!\" the blonde yelled back, \"Scarf!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 764,
"title": "Knitting Blonde"
},
{
"body": "A man hadn't been feeling well, so he went to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor came out with the results. \"I'm afraid I have some very bad news,\" the doctor said, \"you're dying, and you don't have much time left.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, that's terrible!\" said the man. \"How long have I got?\" \r\n\r\n\"Ten,\" the doctor said sadly. \"Ten?\" the man asks. \"Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!\" \r\n\r\nThe doctor interrupted, \"Nine...\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 766,
"title": "Ten..."
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing \"Love\" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.\r\n\r\nHis curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says \"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'\" \"But why?\" asks the man. \"I'm a divorce lawyer,\" the man replies.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 767,
"title": "Valentines"
},
{
"body": "A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, \"Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?\" The doctor replied, \"Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.\" The lawyer looked puzzled. \"Gee,\" he asked, \"how did you start the flood?\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 769,
"title": "On Vacation"
},
{
"body": "A guy phones a law firm and says, \"I want to speak to my lawyer.\" The receptionist says, \"I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week.\" The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, \"I want to speak to my lawyer.\" Once again the receptionist replies, \"I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week.\"\r\n\r\nThe next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and says, \"I want to speak to my lawyer.\" \"Excuse me sir,\" the receptionist says, \"but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?\" The guy replies, \"Because I love hearing it!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 770,
"title": "Dead Lawyer"
},
{
"body": "A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, \"Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire.\" The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there. The cop said, \"I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations.\" The marine asked, \"How much do you have so far?\" The cop replied, \"Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 771,
"title": "Suicide"
},
{
"body": "One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, \"Good morning, Little Johnny.\"\r\n\r\n\"Good morning, Father,\" replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. \"Father Scott, what is this?\" Little Johnny asked. \"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.\" Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, \"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 772,
"title": "The Service"
},
{
"body": "\"Squawks\" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.\r\n\r\n(P) = Problem (S) = Solution\r\n\r\n(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement\r\n(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire\r\n\r\n(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough\r\n(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft\r\n\r\n(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid\r\n(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage\r\n\r\n(P) Something loose in cockpit\r\n(S) Something tightened in cockpit\r\n\r\n(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear\r\n(S) Evidence removed\r\n\r\n(P) DME volume unbelievably loud\r\n(S) Volume set to more believable level\r\n\r\n(P) Dead bugs on windshield\r\n(S) Live bugs on order\r\n\r\n(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent\r\n(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground\r\n\r\n(P) IFF inoperative\r\n(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)\r\n\r\n(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick\r\n(S) That's what they're there for\r\n\r\n(P) Number three engine missing\r\n(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search\r\n\r\n(P) Aircraft handles funny\r\n(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, \"fly right\" and be serious\r\n\r\n(P) Target Radar hums\r\n(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 773,
"title": "Airplane Maintenance"
},
{
"body": "A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read this: \r\n\r\nRICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS: \r\n1) WON'T BEAT ME UP \r\n2) WON'T RUN AWAY \r\n3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED \r\n\r\nFor several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications. \r\nThen one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat. \r\nPerplexed, she asked, \"Who are you? And what do you want?\" \r\n\"Hi,\" he said, \"your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away.\" \r\n\"Well, then,\" she said, \"what makes you think that you're so great in bed?\" \r\nTo which he replied - \"Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 775,
"title": "Perfect Man"
},
{
"body": "A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question. \r\n\"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?\" \r\nAfter pondering the question she answered, \"I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet.\" \r\nThey said, \"Well okay, thank you.\" And told her that they would get back to her. \r\nNext, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, \"I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings.\" Again, \"Thank you,\" and they would get back to her. \r\nFinally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, \"I would like to go to the sun.\" \r\nThe people from NASA replied, \"Why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?\" \r\nThe blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. \"Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 777,
"title": "Blond in Space"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads \"one at a time, please\"!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 778,
"title": "On the Scale"
},
{
"body": "Contrary to popular opinion, life is NOT a bi**h.\r\n\r\nLife is a virgin.\r\n\r\nA bi**h would be easy.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 779,
"title": "Life"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?\r\n\r\nYou can't hear an enzyme!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 780,
"title": "Enzymes and Hormones"
},
{
"body": "A decrepit old gas man named Peter\r\nWhile hunting around for the meter\r\nHis torch he did light\r\nHe arose out of sight\r\nAnd, of course, as a result, he totally, completely and utterly destroyed the meter!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 781,
"title": "Poetic Meter"
},
{
"body": "A man and a woman are having an affair.\r\n\r\n One day, the woman's husband comes home early from work. To avoid being caught, the cheating man runs over to hide in the closet. As he closes the door he hears a little voice say, \"It's dark in here.\" This startles the man, and he looks down to see the woman's son. He then asks, \"You're not going to say anything, right kid?\" The boy says, \"You know, I could really use a new baseball glove,\" to which the man replies, \"Ok, ok here's $25 if you keep quiet.\" \"You got a deal mister,\" the boy says, and he leaves the closet.\r\n\r\nThe next week, the woman's husband comes home again. As the cheater goes into a closet, he hears a voice say, \"It's dark in here\". The man says \"What are you doing in here again kid?\" The boy tells him, \"I could really use a new baseball bat,\" and the man grumbles, \"Yeah , ok, here's $50, now leave me alone.\"\r\n\r\nAfter a few weeks of getting a new glove, bat, ball, and uniform, the boy feels guilty, so he goes to church to confess. He enters the confessional and sits down, saying, \"It's dark in here.\" The priest next to him says, \"Now don't start that shit again!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 782,
"title": "Closet"
},
{
"body": "Q: Where do cows go on Saturday nights? \r\nA: To the moovies",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 784,
"title": "Cows Night Out"
},
{
"body": "It's a little known fact that William Tell and his son were avid bowlers as well as archery buffs. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in a fire, so it may never be known for whom the Tells bowled.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 785,
"title": "William Tell"
},
{
"body": "I recently went to my 30th class reunion from nursery school. I didn't want to go because I've put on maybe 90 or 100 pounds since then.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 786,
"title": "Class Reunion"
},
{
"body": "A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style. \"If you'll just learn to cook,\" he said, \"we can fire the chef.\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay,\" she said. \"And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 787,
"title": "Lost Fortune"
},
{
"body": "A bear goes into a bar and orders a beer.\r\nThe bartender replies, \"Sorry we dont serve bears here.\"\r\nThe bear, upset, says angrily, \"Gimme a beer or I'll eat that lady over there!\"\r\nThe bartender says, \"Go ahead, I don't care.\"\r\nThe bear goes and savagely mauls the woman then eats her in front of the bartender.\r\nThe bear goes and says, \"Now give me a beer or I'll eat someone else.\"\r\nThe bartender says, \"I'm sorry we don't serve bears on drugs in here.\"\r\nThe bear goes, \"What? I'm not on drugs!\"\r\nThe bartender says, \"What about the barbituate?\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 788,
"title": "Drugged Up Bear"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was walking past a schoolyard during recess when she saw a young girl standing all alone on one end of the soccer field, while the other children all played a game of soccer. Feeling sorry for the poor child, she went up to the girl and made small talk.\r\nShe asked the little girl if she was OK.\r\nThe little girl replied she was fine.\r\nThe blonde then said, \"Why don't you go play with the other children?\"\r\nThe little girl replied, \"I already am.\"\r\nThe blonde, a bit annoyed said, \"What do you mean, you already am?\"\r\nThe girl replied, \"I am playing.\"\r\nThe blonde, thinking the girl was lying so she wouldnt be embarassed, said, \"Wanna be friends?\"\r\nThe girl hesitated, then reluctantly said Sure.\r\nThe blonde, feeling she made progress, says, \"Would you like to go play in the sandbox?\"\r\nThe girl replies, \"Sure... after I'm done playing soccer. I'm the goalie.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 789,
"title": "Wanna be Friends?"
},
{
"body": "Why can't you trust a blonde to call for an ambulance?\r\n\r\nShe can't find the 11 to call 911.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 790,
"title": "911"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so bald when she wears a turtleneck she looks like a broken condom.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 791,
"title": "Baldie"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so fat when she stepped on my dog's tail I had to change his name to \"Beaver.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 792,
"title": "Beaver"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was out shopping in Lousiana when she saw a beautiful pair of shoes made from genuine alligator skin. She goes into the store and asks the price. The shopkeeper says, \"$1000\"\r\nThe blonde not having that kind of money tried to haggle with the store's owner, until the owner finally got fed up and threw her out of his store.\r\nThe blonde furious yells at the store owner, \"FINE! KEEP YOUR DAMN SHOES! I'LL GO HUNT MY OWN ALLIGATOR AND THEN GET MY OWN SHOES FOR A FAIR PRICE!!!!\"\r\nDriving home the store owner sees the blonde in a local swamp, up to her waist in the muddy waters holding a double-barrel shotgun. Just then he sees the blonde take aim at a nearby alligator taking a nap and shoots it straight in the gut. With great effort he watches her drag the alligator to the shore, where to his suprise, a half dozen more alligators all lay dead. He then sees the blonde flip the alligator over onto his back. Then watching, he sees the blondes face turn a deep red and hears her yell, \"DAMMIT! THIS ALLIGATOR ISNT WEARING ANY SHOES EITHER!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 793,
"title": "Alligator Shoes"
},
{
"body": "Why did the blonde call the welfare office?\r\n\r\nShe wanted to know how you cook food stamps.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 794,
"title": "Welfare Blonde"
},
{
"body": "A smart blonde (no, that's not the joke) goes into a bank in New York and asks if she can take out a loan of $1000. The banker, not trusting the woman, asks her for collateral. The woman decides she'll give the man her brand new BMW for collateral until she can pay the man back. The banker, thinking that she's such a dumb blonde she's willing to put a car worth a ton of money up for a measly $1000, jumps on the deal, so he takes the car and gives her the money.\r\n2 months later, the blonde comes back with a briefcase and opens it up before the banker. Inside is the $1000 neatly placed inside. The banker is amazed but responds, \"Um, you forgot the interest. It'll be $50.\"\r\nThe blonde quietly takes out her purse and pulls out a crisp new $50 bill. The teller also caught a quick glance at the inside of her purse and noticed numerous amounts of $50s, $100s and even a $1000 bill.\r\nThe banker replies, \"Wow, did that $1000 dollars I lent you help you make all that?\"\r\nThe woman replies, \"No, sir. I've always had this much money. I'm extremely wealthy.\"\r\nThe banker says, \"Well, now I understand how you could afford the BMW, but if you're so wealthy how come you borrowed $1000?\"\r\nThe blonde replies, \"Well, where else could I find parking in New York for my car for only $50 for 2 months?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 795,
"title": "A *SMART* Blonde"
},
{
"body": "The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 796,
"title": "Tired?"
},
{
"body": "They say one way to build character is to do things you don't want to do.\r\n\r\nEvery day I do two things I don't want to do: I get out of bed in the morning and go to bed at night!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 797,
"title": "Things You Don't Like"
},
{
"body": "Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is.\r\n\r\nFortunately, I love money.\r\n\r\n-- Jackie Mason",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 798,
"title": "The Most Important Thing"
},
{
"body": "The perfect climate is in bed.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 799,
"title": "Perfect Climate"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call an oxymoron?\r\n\r\nA: A smart blonde!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 801,
"title": "Oximoron"
},
{
"body": "Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 802,
"title": "Dirty Joke"
},
{
"body": "A doctor came to a sanitarium to check up on the patients. He sees that everybody is walking around with an empty leash. So he asks a few patients what they are doing.\r\n\r\nThey all answered that they are taking their dog out on a walk. Only one of the patients said \"What are you, blind? I'm holding an empty leash!\" \r\n\r\nSo the doctor says \"Very good, I see you are not as crazy as everyone else.\" \r\n\r\nWhen the doctor leaves, the patient says, \"Did you see how we fooled him, Sparky?!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 803,
"title": "Sanitarium"
},
{
"body": "A doctor goes into a sanitarium one day to check up on the patients. He sees they are all lined up with bathing suits on, jumping into the air and landing hard on the floor. \r\n\r\nHe asks them what they are doing, and they all answer \"We're diving into the pool\". \r\n\r\nOnly one of them sits aside watching them. \"I see you're not diving into the pool\" the doctor says. The patient replies \"I'm the lifeguard.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 804,
"title": "Sanitarium 2"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you breed a blonde and a New York gangster?\r\n\r\nA juvenile deliquent who spray paints chain link fences.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 809,
"title": "Offspring"
},
{
"body": "A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. \r\n\r\nShe raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,\r\n\r\n\"What man here will buy a lady a drink?\" \r\n\r\nThe bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,\r\n\r\n\"Give the Ballerina a drink!\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down in one. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, \r\n\r\n\"What man here will buy a lady a drink?\" \r\n\r\nOnce again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and boomed, \r\n\r\n\"Give the Ballerina another drink!\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender approached the little drunk and said, \"I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the Ballerina?'\" \r\n\r\n\"As far as I'm concerned,\" the drunk replied, \r\n\r\n\"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a Ballerina!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 812,
"title": "Ballerina"
},
{
"body": "A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate. \r\n\r\nAll is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. \"What's wrong,\" asks the mother.\r\n\r\n\"Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out,\" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.\r\n\r\nAbout a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.\r\n\"Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out.\" The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.\r\n\r\nAnother week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.\r\n\"It's okay,\" says the mother, \"I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out.\"\r\n\"No,\" says the boy, \"I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog....\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 814,
"title": "BANG BANG BANG"
},
{
"body": "A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had\r\nlost his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the\r\nisland in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on\r\nthe beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the role of magic lamps in jokes) he rubbed it.\r\n\r\n POOF!\r\n\r\nA Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie. \"Vey!\" he said. \"Am I glad to be outta\r\n there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?\"\r\n\r\nThe Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes. \"Wishes, Schmishes!\r\nCourse I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think\r\nabout my margins.\"\r\n\"Well,\" said the Jamaican after some consideration \"I'd like to be white\r\nand surrounded by women.\"\r\n \"No problem\" said the Genie.\r\n\r\nPOOF! - the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.\r\n\r\n Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie - there's always a string attached",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 815,
"title": "Genie"
},
{
"body": "CLASSIC QUOTE: A quote from Sky News\r\n\r\n\"Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton,\" UK defence minister Geoff Hoon said in the Commons yesterday.\r\n\r\n\"He's either never been to Southampton, or he's never been to Umm Qasr,\" says a British squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr.\r\n\r\nAnother soldier added: \"There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's more like Portsmouth.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 816,
"title": "Sky News"
},
{
"body": "A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. Problem was, the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to \"clean up\" the bird's vocabulary, but to no avail.\r\n\r\nFinally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.\r\n\r\nThen suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.\r\n\r\nFearing that he'd killed the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm\r\nand said, \"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.\"\r\n\r\nJohn was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued.\r\n\r\n\"May I ask what the chicken did?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 817,
"title": "Rude Parrot"
},
{
"body": "Microsoft Vs. General Motors\r\n \r\n \r\nAt a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,\r\n \"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would the be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.\"\r\n \r\n In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release\r\nstating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:\r\n \r\n 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.\r\n \r\n 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.\r\n \r\n 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut\r\noff the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.\r\nFor some reason you would simply accept this.\r\n \r\n 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.\r\n \r\n 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would run on only five percent of the roads.\r\n \r\n 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single \"This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation\" warning light.\r\n \r\n 7. The airbag system would ask, \"Are you sure?\", before deploying.\r\n \r\n 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.\r\n \r\n 9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.\r\n \r\n 10. You'd have to press the \"Start\" button to turn the engine off.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 818,
"title": "Microsoft v General Motors"
},
{
"body": "A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, \"Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?\"\r\nHer husband replies, \"Put it between your legs to keep it warm.\"\r\nShe asks,\r\n\"What about the smell?\"\r\n He says, \"Hold its nose.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 819,
"title": "Skunk"
},
{
"body": "A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him,\r\n \"Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?\"\r\nThe other guy says, \"Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'........... So she socked me a good one.\r\n \r\nThe first guy replied, \"Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'\r\nBut I accidentally said,\r\n \r\n'You ruined my life you evil fat slag.'\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 822,
"title": "On The Plane"
},
{
"body": "A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.\r\nIn the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, \"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly\r\npass me another blanket.\"\r\nThe man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, \"I've got a better idea.....let's pretend we're married.\"\r\n\"Why not?\" giggles the woman.\r\n\"Good,\" he replies. \"Get your own f***ing blanket.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 823,
"title": "On A Train"
},
{
"body": "A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around\r\nwith a fly swatter. \"What are you doing?\" She asked.\r\n\"Hunting Flies\" He responded.\r\n\"Oh!, Killing any?\" She asked.\r\n\"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females\", he replied.\r\nIntrigued, she asked. \"How can you tell?\"\r\n\"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 824,
"title": "Flies"
},
{
"body": "When I take a long time, I am slow.\r\nWhen my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.\r\n\r\nWhen I don't do it, I am lazy.\r\nWhen my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.\r\n\r\nWhen I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.\r\nWhen my boss does the same, that is initiative.\r\n\r\nWhen I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.\r\nWhen my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.\r\n\r\nWhen I do good, my boss never remembers.\r\nWhen I do wrong, he never forgets.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 825,
"title": "Bosses v. Workers"
},
{
"body": "A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. \"In English,\" he said, \"A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.\"\r\n\r\nA voice from the back of the room piped up, \"Yeah, right.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 826,
"title": "English Lecture"
},
{
"body": "When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. \"Good heavens,\" he said, \"what is this?\"\r\n\r\n\"Why, it's bean soup,\" she replied.\r\n\r\n\"I don't care what it has been,\" he sputtered. \"What is it now?\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 827,
"title": "What is This?"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so skinny she had to run arround the shower to get wet.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 831,
"title": "Shower"
},
{
"body": "To make a long story short, well, it helps if the boss walks in!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 833,
"title": "Make a Long Story Short"
},
{
"body": "I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 834,
"title": "Stereo"
},
{
"body": "Grow some dope... plant a man.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 836,
"title": "Dope"
},
{
"body": "A really really drunk man stumbled out of a local bar and right into the nun. Quickly the man punched the nun right in the face. Stunned the nun tried to run away, but the drunk just ran after her and pushed her to the ground. The drunk then proceeded to kick the nun repeatedly until the nun was begging for mercy.\r\nThe drunk leans down and looks at the nun and says, \"Not so tough now, eh Batman?\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 837,
"title": "Nun Bashing"
},
{
"body": "Two robins were sitting in a tree. \r\n\r\n\"I'm really hungry,\" said the first one. \"Let's fly down and find some lunch.\" \r\n\r\nThey flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more. \r\n\r\n\"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree,\" said the first one. \r\n\r\n\"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,\" said the second. \r\n\r\n\"OK,\" said the first. \r\n\r\nSo they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came by and gobbled them up. \r\n\r\nAs the cat sat washing his face after his meal, \r\nhe thought... \r\n\r\n \r\n\"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 843,
"title": "Two Robins"
},
{
"body": "Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts. \r\n\r\n\"No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 844,
"title": "Bill at a Baseball Game"
},
{
"body": "An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, \"Daddy, what is sex?\" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.\r\n\r\nHe proceeded to tell her all about the \"birds and the bees.\" When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, \"Why did you ask this question?\" The little girl replied, \"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 845,
"title": "Question"
},
{
"body": "Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, \"What starting salary were you thinking about?\"\r\n\r\nThe Engineer said, \"In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.\" \r\n\r\nThe interviewer said, \"Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?\" \r\n\r\nThe Engineer sat up straight and said, \"Wow! Are you kidding?\" \r\n\r\nThe interviewer replied, \"Yeah, but you started it.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 846,
"title": "Starting Salary"
},
{
"body": "Two Vampire bats are in a cave, both very hungry. The first bat goes out looking for some food. He comes back later with nothing.\r\n \r\nThe second bat tries not long afterwords. 5 minutes later he returns, blood all over his face!\r\n\r\n\"Wow!\" said the first bat \"You must've had a big meal, where did you get that?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, can you see that large redwood over there?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes\" replies the first bat.\r\n\r\n\"Well I bloody well didn't.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 849,
"title": "Hungry Bats"
},
{
"body": "Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. \r\nThe first said, \"I built a big house for our mother.\" \r\nThe second said, \"I sent her a Mercedes.\" \r\nThe third smiled and said, \"I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.\" \r\nSoon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: \r\n\"Dear Milton,\" she wrote one son, \"The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!\" \r\n\"Dear Gerald,\" she wrote to another, \"I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.\" \r\n\"Dearest Donald,\" she wrote to her third son, \"You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. \r\nThe chicken was Dee-licious!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 851,
"title": "Three Gifts"
},
{
"body": "alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 852,
"title": "Definition of an Alarm Clock"
},
{
"body": "Penguins mate for life.\r\n\r\nThis is not surprising, as they all look the same. It's not like they have to wait and wonder if someone better will come along!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 853,
"title": "Penguins"
},
{
"body": "The captain of a ship hears his first mate calling from above deck, \"captain, there is a pirate ship off the starboard side!\" The captain takes the looking glass, sees the ship, and tells the first mate, \"ready the cannons and swords, prepare the men for battle, and bring me my red shirt\". \"Aye, aye captain,\" says the first mate, and carrys out the orders. \r\n\r\nThe men fight bravely, and after a long battle, defeat the pirates. The first mate asks the captain, \"Well done sir, but why did you need the red shirt?\" to which the captain replied \"if I was wounded, I didn't want the men to see the blood and become disheartened, and so, lose the battle\". \r\n\r\nThe next day, the captain hears his first mate calling from above deck \"captain, there are ten pirate ships off the starboard side!\" The captain takes the looking glass, sees the ships, and tells the first mate, \"ready the cannons and swords, prepare the men for battle, and bring me my brown pants\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 854,
"title": "Pirate Attack"
},
{
"body": "Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out, \"Lord, I have a problem.\" And the Lord said, \"What's the matter, Eve?\"\r\n\r\n\"I know You created me and this beautiful garden. But I'm lonely - and I'm sick of eating apples.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, in that case,\" replied the Almighty, \"I'll create a man for you.\"\r\n\r\n\"What's a man?\"\r\n\r\n\"He's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals.\"\r\n\r\n\"Sounds great!\" replied Eve.\r\n\r\n\"There's one condition,\" added the Lord. \"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 855,
"title": "Eve and Adam?"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicles who resigned on Tuesday? He tried to resign on Monday, but discovered he'd been standing in the wrong line.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 856,
"title": "DMV"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a porcupine with a sheep? They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 857,
"title": "Porcupine and Sheep"
},
{
"body": "The assistant curator of the musuem came to the head curator with a couple of problems. \"Sir, the mummy is damp and getting mouldy. And the white mouse in the maze exhibit has developed dry skin.\"\r\n\r\nThe head curator thought for a minute, then advised, \"Put your mummy where your mouse is.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 858,
"title": "Museum Curator"
},
{
"body": "(From a machine at a college dorm:)\r\nA is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.\r\n\r\nHi. This is John:\r\nIf you are the phone company, I already sent the money.\r\nIf you are my parents, please send money.\r\nIf you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.\r\nIf you are my friends, you owe me money.\r\nIf you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.\r\n\r\n(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it\r\nin time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.\r\n\r\n\"Hi. Now you say something.\"\r\n\r\n\"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.\" \"Beep\" \"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?\"\r\n\r\n(From my Japanese friend in Toronto)\r\nHe-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!\r\n\r\n\"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his\r\nrefrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.\"\r\n\r\n\"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.'\r\n\r\n\"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with\r\nme, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.\"\r\n\r\n\"This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and\r\nI'll think about returning your call.\"\r\n\r\n\"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.\"\r\n\r\n\"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.\"\r\n\r\n\"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.\"\r\n\r\n\"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.\"\r\n\r\n\"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and\r\nimmoral purposes. \r\nThere is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly\r\nat the sound of the tone. Thank you.\"\r\n\r\nPlease leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.\r\n\r\n~Credit to an email from a friend of mine",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 859,
"title": "Answering Machine Messages"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so dumb, she tried to spell out the alphabet with M&M's.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 861,
"title": "DUMB"
},
{
"body": "One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly gates by St. Peter himself. \r\n\"Welcome to Heaven,\" said St Peter, \"Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you.\"\r\n\"No problem, just let me in,\" said the woman.\r\n\"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we are going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an Eternity in.\"\r\n\"Actually, I think I've made up my mind. I prefer to stay in Heaven,\" said the HR Director. \r\n\"Sorry, we have rules.\"\r\nAnd with that St. Peter put the HR executive in a lift and down it went to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all friends and fellow executives she had worked with and they were all cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy. She had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got in the lift. The elevator opened at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. \r\nShe spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.\r\n\"So you have spent a day in hell, and a day in Heaven. Now choose your eternity,\" he said.\r\nThe woman replied: \"Well I never thought I would say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.\"\r\nSo St. Peter escorted her to the lift and again she went back to Hell. When the doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in rubbish and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the rubbish and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.\r\n\"I don't understand,\" stammered the HR Director. \"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate steak and lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is are wastelands and rubbish and all my friends look miserable.\"\r\nThe Devil looked at her and smiled. \"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 862,
"title": "Human Resources"
},
{
"body": "Men's Rules for Women\r\n---------------------------\r\n \r\n1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.\r\n \r\n2) Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.\r\n \r\n3) Saturday = sports.\r\n \r\n4) Crying is blackmail.\r\n \r\n5)Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!\r\n \r\n6) We don't remember dates. Mark them on a calendar and remind us frequently.\r\n \r\n7) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.\r\n \r\n8) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.\r\n\r\n9) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.\r\n \r\n10) Check your oil.\r\n \r\n11) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.\r\n \r\n12) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer that question anymore.\r\n \r\n13) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.\r\n \r\n14) Let us look. It doesn't hurt anyone, to look. And for us, it's genetic.\r\n \r\n15) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.\r\n \r\n16) Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.\r\n \r\n17) ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.\r\n \r\n18) We are not mind readers and we never will be.\r\n \r\n19) If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will believe you.\r\n \r\n20) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.\r\n \r\n21) You have enough clothes.\r\n \r\n22) You have too many shoes.\r\n \r\n23) It is neither in your best interest or ours to take any quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.\r\n \r\n24) BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.\r\n \r\n25) Thank you for reading this: Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that - it's like camping.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 863,
"title": "Rules for Women"
},
{
"body": "These are all true cuttings,\r\n\r\nIrish police are being handicapped\r\nin a search for a stolen van\r\nbecause they cannot issue a description. It is\r\na Special Branch vehicle and they\r\ndo not want the public to know what it\r\nlooks like. (The Guardian)\r\n\r\nPolice reveal that a woman\r\narrested for shoplifting had a\r\nwhole salami in her knickers. When asked why she\r\nsaid it was because she was\r\nmissing her boyfriend. (Reuters via The\r\nManchester Evening News)\r\n\r\nAfter being charged 20 [pounds] for a 10 [pound]\r\noverdraft, 30 year old Michael\r\nHoward of Leeds changed his name by deed\r\npoll to \"Yorkshire Bank PLC Are\r\nFascist Bastards\". The bank has now asked\r\nhim to close his account and Mr.\r\nBastards has asked them to repay the 69p\r\nbalance by cheque made out in his\r\nnew name.\r\n(The Guardian)\r\n\r\nNotice seen in the Churchtown\r\nParish Magazine: Would the\r\ncongregation please\r\nnote that the bowl at the back of\r\nthe church labelled \"For the sick\"\r\nis for monetary donations only.\r\n\r\nThere must, for instance, be\r\nsomething very strange in a man\r\nwho, if left alone in a room with a tea cosy,\r\ndoesn't try it on. (Glasgow\r\nEvening News)\r\n\r\nA young girl who was blown out to\r\nsea on a set of inflatable teeth\r\nwas rescued by a man on an inflatable\r\nlobster. A coastguard spokesman\r\ncommented:\r\n\"This sort of thing is all too\r\ncommon?\" (The Times)\r\n\r\nAt the height of the gale the\r\nharbourmaster radioed a coastguard\r\non the spot and asked him to estimate the wind\r\nspeed. He replied that he was sorry but\r\nhe didn't have a gauge. However if\r\nit was any help the wind had just\r\nblown his Land-Rover off the cliff.\r\n(Aberdeen Evening Express)\r\n\r\nCommenting on a complaint from a\r\nMr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas\r\nbill a spokesman for North West Gas\r\nsaid: \"We agree it was rather high\r\nfor the time of year. It is possible Mr. Purdey\r\nhas been charged for the gas used\r\nup during the explosion that blew his\r\nhouse to pieces.\" (Bangkok Post)",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 864,
"title": "Press Cuttings"
},
{
"body": "\"What possible reason can you have for acquitting this defendant?\" the judge shouted at the jury.\r\n\r\n\"Insanity, Your Honour,\" replied the foreman.\r\n\r\n\"All TWELVE of you?\" bellowed the judge.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 865,
"title": "Acquittal"
},
{
"body": "\"Please, God,\" the man prayed, \"you know me. I'm always praying to you, yet I've had nothing but bad luck, misery and despair. Look at the butcher next door. He's never prayed in his life, and he enjoys prosperity, health and happiness. How come a believer like me is always in trouble, and he's always doing so well?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because,\" a voice boomed from the heavens, \"the butcher doesn't bug me, that's why!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 866,
"title": "Believer"
},
{
"body": "Opera: where somebody gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, sings.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 867,
"title": "Opera"
},
{
"body": "Couple of things you oughta know\r\nFirstly, when I'm born, I'm black!!\r\nWhen I grow up, I'm black\r\nWhen I get sick, I'm black\r\nWhen I go out in the sun, I'm black\r\nWhen I'm cold, I'm black\r\nAnd when I get scared,\r\nGee, I'm black\r\nAnd When I die, I'm still black\r\nBut you white fella...\r\nWhen you born, you pink\r\nWhen you grow up, you white\r\nWhen you get sick, you green\r\nWhen you go out in the sun, you red\r\nWhen you get cold, you go blue\r\nWhen you get scared, you yellow\r\nAnd when you die, you purple\r\nAnd YOU got the cheek to call ME coloured??!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 868,
"title": "Dear White Fella..."
},
{
"body": "Two Eskimos sitting in their boat were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the boat, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 869,
"title": "Two Eskimos"
},
{
"body": "A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other went to a family in Spain, and they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished that she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, \"But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 870,
"title": "Juan & Amal"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama was so Ugly as a child your granddaddy had to put a pork chop round her neck so the dog would play with her.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 871,
"title": "Dog Ugly"
},
{
"body": "What two things in the air can make a blonde pregnant?\r\n\r\nHer Legs",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 872,
"title": "Pregnant"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny was sitting outside a church playing with sulphuric acid.\r\n\r\nThe priest came up to him and said \"Child why are you playing with sulphuric acid? Thats dangerous! I've got some holy water inside that is much more powerful.\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny relied \"How come?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well last week I splashed some holy water on Mrs.Wilson's tummy and she passed a baby!\" said the priest proudly.\r\n\r\n\"Thats nothing,\" retorted Little Johnny \"I spashed some sulphuric acid on my dog's balls and he passed a Ferrari!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 874,
"title": "Battery Acid"
},
{
"body": "Whats the difference between a good egg and a good fart?\r\n\r\nYou can't beat a good fart!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 875,
"title": "Good Egg"
},
{
"body": "Blind Hookers eh? You've got to hand it to them.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 876,
"title": "Hookers"
},
{
"body": "A man and a women are making love for the first time. \"Cor what a small organ!\" the women sniggered\r\n\"It may be small, darling\" replied the man \"but it's never played in a Cathedral before!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 878,
"title": "Size"
},
{
"body": "How many men does it take to open a beer?\r\nNone it should be open by the time she brings it to you.\r\n\r\nWhy are women's feet so small?\r\nSo they can stand closer to the sink.\r\n\r\nHow much does it cost to fix a woman's watch?\r\nNothing, theres a clock on the oven.\r\n\r\nYour wife is at the front door yelling at you to open the door for her and your dog is at the back door barking his head off to be let in. Which one do you let in first?\r\nThe dog, he shuts up when you let him in the house.\r\n\r\nWhat's worse than a Male Chauvinist?\r\nA woman who won't shut up and do what a man tells her.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 879,
"title": "Women Bashing Questions"
},
{
"body": "Four Catholic women are sitting in a cafe sipping their tea, talking about their great sons. Soon it begins as a contest to see who has the best son.\r\nThe first woman proudly declares, \"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room people call him 'Father.\"\r\nThe second woman replies even more proudly, \"My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'My Grace.\"\r\nThe third woman thinking she wins replies, \"My son is a Cardinal! When he walks into a room people say, 'My Eminence.\"\r\nThe fourth woman says nothing but sips her tea quietly.\r\nThe three women stare at her and then ask her what is so special about her son.\r\nWith a smug look on her face she replies, \"My son is a 6' 5\" muscular man, with a chiseled jaw and arms as big as pipes. And when he walks into a room all the woman say, 'Oh My God.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 880,
"title": "Four Catholic Women"
},
{
"body": "A woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 881,
"title": "Women and Toys"
},
{
"body": "A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the clerk, \"I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!\" \"Blowjobs!\" the woman replied. \"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,\" he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.\r\n\r\nWhen she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. \r\n\r\nIn the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.\r\n\r\n\"What are you two doing at this hour?\" she asked. \r\n\r\nThe husband replied, \"If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 882,
"title": "Bullfrogs and Blowjobs"
},
{
"body": "Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender asks the first one, \"What can I getcha?\"\r\n\r\nThe first vampire replies, \"I'll have a pint of blood\".\r\n\r\nThe bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too orders a pint of blood.\r\n\r\nThe bartender turns to the third vampire and asks, \"What about you?\"\r\n\r\nThe third vampire says, \"I think I'll have a pint of plasma.\"\r\n\r\nThe bartender says, \"OK, so that will be two Bloods and one Blood Lite.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 883,
"title": "Three Vampires"
},
{
"body": "There are three well known rings to marriage: \r\n\r\nEngagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 884,
"title": "3 Rings"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's like Humpty Dumpty.... first she gets humped, then she gets dumped!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 889,
"title": "Humpty Dumpty"
},
{
"body": "If you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 897,
"title": "Bad Driver"
},
{
"body": "Overheard at an exhibit in the science museum:\r\n\r\n\"It says here that oxygen was discovered over two hundred years ago.\"\r\n\r\n\"Wow! What did people breathe before that?\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 899,
"title": "Oxygen"
},
{
"body": "A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.\r\n\r\nThe girl looked at her dad and said, \"It was Mom.\"\r\n\r\n\"How do you know?\"\r\n\r\n\"She didn't say anything.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 900,
"title": "Dishes"
},
{
"body": "From the instruction manual for the first stewardesses (in 1930):\r\n\r\nKeep the clock and altimeter wound up.\r\n\r\nCarry a railroad timetable in case the plane is grounded.\r\n\r\nWarn the passengers against throwing their cigars and cigarettes out the windows.\r\n\r\nKeep an eye on passengers when they go to the lavatory to be sure they don't mistakenly go out the emergency exit.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 901,
"title": "Early Aviation"
},
{
"body": "There were two guys at a bar. One of them was rich and the other was poor. They both start talking and they find out their anniversary is on the same day, which is tomorrow.\r\n\r\nPoor guy- \"What did you get your wife?\"\r\nRich Guy- \"I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz.\"\r\nPoor guy- \"Why did you give her those??\"\r\nRich Guy- \"Because if she doesn't like the ring she can run the car off a cliff and go screw herself. What did you get your wife?\"\r\nPoor guy- \"A pair of slippers and a dildo\"\r\nRich Guy- \"Why did you give her those??\"\r\nPoor guy- \"Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go screw herself!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 902,
"title": "Screw Her Self"
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 904,
"title": "Faster Than Light"
},
{
"body": "A 90 year old man is having a checkup at his doctors office. The old man is chatty that day and starts to brag about his life. He boasts about his 20 year old wife who is having a baby because he got her knocked up. He claims it's an amazing feat considering his old age. The doctor listening to this very intently says, \"Well, this reminds me of a story. Let me tell you about it.\"\r\n\r\n\"I know this man who is a hunter who goes bear hunting every single season. One day during hunting season the man is in such a rush to get out into the woods he grabs an umbrella instead of his shotgun. Anyway, he was out in the woods and he comes across a ferocious grizzly who is very mad. Horrified he raises his umbrella and points it at the bear trying to scare it away. He closes his eyes and squeezes the handle tightly. Then BOOM! the bear drops dead from a gunshot wound to the head.\"\r\n\r\nThe old man replies, \"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot the bear.\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor replies, \"Exactly...\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 906,
"title": "Whodunit"
},
{
"body": "How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?\r\n\r\n Through a catalogue!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 907,
"title": "M. J."
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath? Enough tequila mockingbird.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 908,
"title": "Tequila"
},
{
"body": "A man walked into a stockbroker's office and said to the receptionist, \"I just won the lottery, and I want to open an account with your %**!&%*! company.\"\r\n\r\nHeads turned in shock at hearing the man's language. \"I'm sorry, but we don't allow that kind of talk here,\" the receptionist said. \"You'll have to leave.\"\r\n\r\n\"I told you I want to open an account with this %**!&%*! company,\" the man insisted.\r\n\r\nSuddenly the manager came out. \"What's all the swearing about?\" he asked.\r\n\r\n\"I just won $12 million and I want to open an account with your %**!&%*! company,\" the man replied.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, I see,\" said the manager. \"And are these %**!&%*! people giving you a hard time?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 909,
"title": "Lottery Winner"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock!\r\nWho's there?\r\nChips.\r\nChips who?\r\n\r\nChips Ahoy!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 911,
"title": "Chips"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so dumb, she spent twenty minutes staring at a orange juice bottle because it said, 'Concentrate'.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 914,
"title": "Concentrate"
},
{
"body": "Q. How do you kill a blond?\r\n\r\nA. Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 915,
"title": "How to Kill a Blond"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat, when she got on the scale it said To be Continued!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 916,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so dirty she has to sneak up on the water",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 917,
"title": "DIRTY"
},
{
"body": "Your momma such a bitch, PMS cheers her up.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 918,
"title": "PMS"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale she screwed it to the bottom of the floor.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 920,
"title": "Yo Mama"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the new dictionary for masochists?\r\n\r\nIt has all the words, but they're not in alphabetical order.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 921,
"title": "New Dictionary"
},
{
"body": "A tearful woman phoned a reducing salon to wail that her husband had just given her a lovely present and she couldn't get into it. The operator gave her an appointment and added, \"Don't worry, madam, we'll have you wearing that dress in no time.\"\r\n\r\n\"Dress?\" the matron sobbed. \"It's a Porsche!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 922,
"title": "Reducing Salon"
},
{
"body": "Never ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 923,
"title": "Tips on Pill Taking"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells him the price is $3.\r\nThe man pulls out a $20 bill and hands it to the bartender.\r\nThe bartender replies, \"Sorry I can't accept that.\"\r\nThe man then pulls out a $10 bill and hands it to the bartender.\r\nThe bartender refuses to accept it.\r\nThe man finally pulls out a $5 bill and gives it to the bartender.\r\nThe bartender once again refuses to accept it.\r\nWhen the man asks the bartender why he won't accept any of the bills the man is giving him, the bartender replies, \"Sorry sir, this is a singles bar.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 924,
"title": "Paying the Bill"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a beer. The whole bar is looking at the man curiously as he sits down. The bartender looks at his nice suit and tie and asks him if he's from around here. \r\nThe man replies, \"No sir, I'm from Pennslyvania.\"\r\nThe bartender asks the man what he does for a living up in Pennyslyvania.\r\nThe man replies, \"I am a Taxidermist.\"\r\nThe bartender slowly asks, \"What is a Taxidermist?\"\r\nThe man answers back, \"Oh, I just mount animals.\"\r\nThe bartender grins wide and yells to the whole bar, \"It's OK Boys!! He's one of us!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 925,
"title": "Taxidermy"
},
{
"body": "2 guys decide to go down to Mexico and start a bungee jumping business. So they go down to Mexico and start setting up the equipment on a bridge while a curious crowd gathers at the bottom of the bridge and watches. Once the equipment is set up one of the friends decides to test out the stuff. So he sets off and as he bounces back up the first time he comes up with a bloody lip. The second time he bounced back up he had a black eye and a gash on his face to go along with the bloody lip. The other friend tried to catch him but missed. The third time he came back up his face was swollen on the right side and he had blood all over his face. The friend finally caught the other man and tried to tend to the wounds. He asks the friend if the cord was too long.\r\nThe friend replies, \"No...Cord....fine....\"\r\nThe first friend cries out, \"Well what the hell happened down there??\"\r\nThe second friends slowly replies, \"What...the....hell.... is a...pinata?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 926,
"title": "Bungee Jumping"
},
{
"body": "I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed-time finally came, I laid down the law: \"We're putting on your p.j.s, brushing your teeth, and reading ONE book. Then it's lights out!\" \r\n\r\nHer arms went around my neck in a gentle embrace, and she said, \"We learned in Sunday school about little boys and girls who don't have mommies and\r\ndaddies.\" \r\n\r\nEven after I'd been such a grouch, I thought, she was still grateful to have me. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes, and then she whispered, \"Maybe you could go be THEIR mom?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 927,
"title": "Mommies"
},
{
"body": "\"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son.\"\r\n\r\n\"OK: He's most likely suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery.\"\r\n\r\n\"How can you say all that without even meeting him?\"\r\n\r\n\"I thought you said he's 13?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 928,
"title": "doctor's visit"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so dumb she had to call 411 to get the number for 911.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 929,
"title": "411"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama so dumb, her favorite color is clear.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 931,
"title": "Clear"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama so big, fat, and clumsey, when she tried to get to Wal-Mart, she stumbled over K-Mart and landed right on Target.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 932,
"title": "Big, Fat, and Clumsey"
},
{
"body": "How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below) \r\nHow do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 933,
"title": "Keeping a Blonde Busy"
},
{
"body": "A dumb blonde, a smart blonde, and Santa Claus were invited to a party. \r\n\r\nOn the way, the dumb blonde's car broke down. The smart blonde missed the bus. Two of Santa Claus' reindeer ran away. \r\n\r\nWho got to the party first? \r\n\r\nThe dumb blonde, because the other two don't exist!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 935,
"title": "Blondes & Santa"
},
{
"body": "Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, \"Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins.\" \r\n\r\n\"What a coincidence!\" the man said with some obvious pride. \"I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.\" \r\n\r\nThe nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, \"You, sir, are the father of triplets.\" \r\n\r\n\"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence\", he answered. \"I work for the 3M Corporation.\" \r\n\r\nAn hour later, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. \r\n\r\nStunned, he barely could reply. \"Don't tell me, another coincidence\", said the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said, \"I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!\" \r\n\r\nAfter hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. The nurse asked, \"Sir, are you all right?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" says the man, \"I'm okay now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 936,
"title": "A Lot of Babies"
},
{
"body": "A local psychic hotline opened up a new number especially for frogs, called \"The Psychic Frog-line.\" A frog called, wanting to know his future. \r\n\r\n\"You will meet a beautiful young girl,\" predicted the psychic. \r\n\r\n\"This is great!\" said the frog. \"Where will I meet her? At a party? At the pond?\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" replied the psychic. \"Next semester in a biology class.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 937,
"title": "Psychic Frog Hotline"
},
{
"body": "How many paranoids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nWhat exactly do you mean by that?",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 938,
"title": "How Many Paranoids?"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was recently fired from her cashier job, because she kept stealing money from the register. She went looking for work the next day. \r\n\r\nA few days later, she came to a man who needed someone. \"I'm here for the paint job\", the blonde said eagerly. \"Alright. Take this paint and brush, and go paint my backyard porch\", replied the man. \r\n\r\nThe blonde immediately started painting. After she was done, she decided to do a second coat. When she was finished, she went to the man to get her pay. \r\n\r\n\"I finished it, and did a second coating too! By the way, that's not a Porsche, it's a new BMW\".",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 939,
"title": "The Job"
},
{
"body": "How was copper wire invented?\r\n\r\nTwo lawyers were fighting over a penny.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 941,
"title": "Copperwire"
},
{
"body": "A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, not wanting to serve a mushroom, says \"Uh uh, I'm not serving no mushroom.\"\r\n\"Aw, come on - I'm a fungi!\" the mushroom replies.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 943,
"title": "A Mushroom"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was standing in front of a vending machine. She put in a dollar, pushed a button and a coke came out. She put in another dollar, pushed a different button and an iced tea came out. The blonde kept doing this, until the man behind her became impatient. \"Excuse me, can I just get a drink, THEN you can continue whatever you're doing???\" \"No way!\" exclaimed the blonde. \"I'm not giving up this machine when I'm winning!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 945,
"title": "Vending Machine"
},
{
"body": "A cat's dictionary.\r\n\r\nPurring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.\r\n\r\nPurrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.\r\n\r\nPurranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.\r\n\r\nHuman Being: Automatic door opener for cats.\r\n\r\nPurrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.\r\n\r\nPurrson: A male kitty.\r\n\r\nPurrpetual motion: A kitty playing.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 946,
"title": "Cat Dictionary"
},
{
"body": "3 men were on the way to Heaven, but God would only let the man with the worst death in. The first man says, \"Well, I was on the way to my apartment because I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So when I got to my apartment on the 3rd story, my wife was in the shower, but there was a guy hanging from a window sill. I step on his fingers, but he didn't budge. So I took a hammer and smashed his fingers so he fell, but wasn't dead. So I took the refrigerator and threw it down on him. I got a heart attack because it was the first time I killed someone.\"\r\nThe second man says, \"I was climbing down the stairs of my apartment on the 4th story when I tripped, and I was hanging on a window sill. A guy comes, and steps on my fingers for no reason. I didn't want to fall, so I held on. But he took a hammer and smashed my fingers. Then I landed on bushes, so I was alive still. A refrigerator came out of nowhere and killed me.\"\r\nThe third man says, \"How would you feel if you were hiding in a refrigerator because you had an affair with a guy's wife, and the guy throws the fridge down to kill an innocent guy?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 947,
"title": "Death"
},
{
"body": "Two women were sitting beside each other in the airport. \r\n\r\n\"Where are you flying to?\", the woman on the right asked. \r\n\r\nWith an attitude, the other replied \"You should never end a sentece with the word 'to'\". \r\n\r\n\"Ok\", said the woman on the right. \"Where are you flying to, bitch?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 948,
"title": "At The Airport"
},
{
"body": "A man went to a psychiatrist and explained his problem. \"Two weeks ago I had a dream that I was a tippee. Then, the next day, I dreamt I was a wigwam. In my next dream, I was a teepee again, and this has been happening the whole too weeks! What's wrong with me, Doc?\".\r\n\"It's simple. You're just two tents\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 950,
"title": "I'm Dreaming"
},
{
"body": "Two scientists were discussing their latest behaviour-modification research. \"We've started something new,\" said the first scientist. \"For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now using lawyers.\"\r\n\r\n\"Lawyers?\" questioned her colleague. \"But we've always used rats.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, you know how it is. You get so attached to the rats.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 951,
"title": "Research"
},
{
"body": "My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 952,
"title": "High Tech Delivery"
},
{
"body": "Q. How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nA. I'm just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 953,
"title": "Car Salesmen"
},
{
"body": "Why don't ghosts make good magicians?\r\nYou can see right through them!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 955,
"title": "Ghosts"
},
{
"body": "Patient: Doctor doctor, J keep seeing doubles!\r\nDoctor: Please take a seat.\r\nPatient: Which one?",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 956,
"title": "DOCTOR, DOCTOR:..."
},
{
"body": "One time, when I was a kid, I forgot to do my homework, so I stole someone else's and turned it in. After class, the teacher pulled me over. She asked why I didn't turn in the homework. I said, guess I forgot to change the name on it!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 959,
"title": "Stolen Homework"
},
{
"body": "I had four cappuccinos at one time. I was bouncing off the walls. Good thing they were padded.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 960,
"title": "Cappuccino Buzz"
},
{
"body": "I didn't mean to agitate the police officer. Water balloons are good fun, but he had to get all mad. Then he grabbed that metal baton thingy. That's a lot less fun than a water balloon. I even said \"think fast!\" He didn't say that to me when he used the baton on my face.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 963,
"title": "Nightsitck"
},
{
"body": "Why is boxing a sport? If I beat someone up in an alley and someone sees it, I get arrested. If I beat someone up in an arena where thousands see it happen, I get cheered. I've done both. I like the alley better though.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 967,
"title": "Boxing's not a sport: proof"
},
{
"body": "How many Existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nWhat light bulb?",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 972,
"title": "Existentialists"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so big that when pirates see her they say, \"LAND HO!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 973,
"title": "Pirates See Her"
},
{
"body": "A mom was out walking with her 4 year old daughter. the child picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. The mother asked her not to do that.\r\n\r\n\"Why?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.\"\r\n\r\nAt this point, the child looked at her mom with total admiration and asked, \"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?\"\r\n\r\n\"Uh,\" the mom was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, \"Um, it's on the mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mommy.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh.\"\r\n\r\nThey walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but the child was evidently pondering this new information.\r\n\r\n\"I get it!\" she beamed. \"Then if you flunk, you have to be the daddy.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 978,
"title": "Mommy Test"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so dumb, she thought that a Playstation was a day care place.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 980,
"title": "Playstation"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nMadam\r\n\r\nMadam who?\r\n\r\nMadam foot's caught in the door!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 981,
"title": "Madam"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so fat that when she went bungee jumping, she took down the whole bridge with her.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 982,
"title": "Bungee Jumping"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so fat that she rents herself out as a jumping castle.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 983,
"title": "Fun Fun Fun"
},
{
"body": "A trucker has just turned a corner on a deserted roadway and was proceeding to change lanes when a blonde in a speedy corvette cut right in front of him almost making him get run off the road. Enraged the trucker sped up and overtook the blonde then forced her to slow down. When the blonde finally stopped the trucker stepped out of his truck, went over the to corvette and yanked the blonde out.\r\n\r\nHe then drew a circle with a piece of chalk he had around the blonde.\r\n\"If you step outside of this circle, I will kill you. You hear? You just stay right there missy,\" said the Trucker.\r\nThe trucker went to his truck and grabbed a wooden bat. He smashed the corvettes windows in and knocked off the rear-view mirror. Then he stops and hears a tiny giggle. He turns around and the blonde is trying not to laugh.\r\nHe turns back to work and stabs the tires with his swiss army knife, then smashes in the car windows. Then he hears a snicker from behind him. He turns around and the blonde is red from trying to hold in a laugh. Getting angry the trucker proceeds to smash the taillights, and dent the hell out of the cars body. Wanting to completely obliterate the car, he went into his semi-truck and ran over the car crushing it into a flattened piece of metal.\r\nAs he gets out to admire his demolition work, he sees the blonde on the ground laughing like a madwoman and rolling around holding her sides.\r\nHe goes and grabs the blonde by her hair and yells in her face, \"WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING YOU FOOL??\"\r\nThe blonde tries to put on a straight face and says, \"While you were looking away, I stepped out of the circle 3 TIMES!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 984,
"title": "Trucker versus the Blonde"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nJuly\r\n\r\nJuly who?\r\n\r\nJuly like Bill Clinton",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 985,
"title": "July"
},
{
"body": "One day on a farm a farmer gets a new rooster and puts it in the hen house. The new rooster is talking to the old rooster and the old rooster says, \"Just let me have 2 chickens and I'll leave you alone.\" The young rooster says, \"No old man these are my chickens.\" \r\n\r\nSo the old rooster says, \"Why don't we have a race around the chicken coop to see who deserves the chickens?\" The young rooster figuring he is faster agrees, and even desides to give the old rooster a 15 second head start. \r\n\r\nSo when the race begins the old rooster takes off and 15 seconds later the young rooster begins running. By the time the roosters round the first bend the young rooster has almost caught the old rooster. Then as the go by the house \"BANG\" the farmer fires his shoot gun and says, \"Damn, third gay rooster this month.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 986,
"title": "Roosters"
},
{
"body": "Famous Last Words\r\n\r\n\"Oh come on, nobody's died from this in years.\"\r\n\r\n\"I saw it on Jackass last night.\"\r\n\r\n\"My dad did it when he was a kid.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I'm sure that the power is off.\"\r\n\r\n\"It'll only hurt for a couple of days.\"\r\n\r\n\"See, I'm not afraid of heights.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 987,
"title": "Famous Last Words"
},
{
"body": "Famous Last Words:\r\n\r\n\"The gun isn't loaded, ok?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I double checked.\"\r\n\r\n\"This fuse should give us plenty of time.\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't think he has a gun.\"\r\n\r\n\"This is a very safe neighborhood!\"\r\n\r\n\"I am 100% sure of the blast radius.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 988,
"title": "Famous Last Words"
},
{
"body": "This is off a Coast Guard bumper sticker:\r\n\r\nSupport Search and Rescue: GET LOST!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 990,
"title": "Coast Gaurd Bumper Sticker"
},
{
"body": "My college doesn't allow pets in my dorm, so when I got a kitten I had the guys in my dorm refer to him as \"the Book\" to avoid suspicion.\r\n\r\nOne morning, as I carried the kitten out to my car in a crate, my girlfriend stopped me and asked, \"where are you taking the Book?\"\r\n\r\n\"She's getting Spayed today,\" I said.\r\n\r\n\"Hmm...\" she said. \"I guess that means no sequels!\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 991,
"title": "Kitten of the Dorm"
},
{
"body": "Darn those pushy metric system advocates! \r\nGive them 2.54 cm., and they'll take 1.6093 km!",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 992,
"title": "Metric System"
},
{
"body": "Famous Last Words\r\n\r\n\"We'll be safe here, trust me.\"\r\n\r\n\"Who cares about the severe weather warning, those forecasters are always wrong anyway.\"\r\n\r\n\"We're not as high up as it looks, here I'll show you.\"\r\n\r\n\"Who cares about those heart condition warnings anyway, I wanna ride this thing!\"\r\n\r\n\"My friend did this a while ago. I don't know how it turned out, I haven't seen him since.\"\r\n\r\n\"It's just a slight tingle.\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!???\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 993,
"title": "Even More Famous Last Words"
},
{
"body": "FAMOUS LAST WORDS \r\n\r\n\"One sec, I've got to go the bathroom!\"\r\n\r\n:)\r\n\r\n\"It doesn't hurt... that... bad...\"\r\n\r\n\"This stuff works just as well!\"\r\n\r\n\"It looks like it's coming right towards us!\"\r\n\r\n\"Here, let me handle this, forget the cops!\"\r\n\r\n\"I read this in a 'how-to' magazine once.\"\r\n\r\n\"No I'm not a skydiver, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express Last Night.\"\r\n\r\n\"Proper equipment is for rich people.\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't know. Let's find out!\"\r\n\r\n\"I did it in a video game last night.\"\r\n\r\n\"Did you hear that? Sounded like something big. Where's that flashlight?\"\r\n\r\nAnd finally...\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\"OH SHIT!!!!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 994,
"title": "Famous Last Words AGAIN (i Love These!)"
},
{
"body": "THE SEQUELS CONTINUE\r\n(these are all by me by the way)\r\n\r\n\"Hmm... Let's go for the gusto today!\"\r\n\r\n\"Here's my ticket to fame, fortune, and Ripley's Beleive it or Not!\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm not as think as you drunk I am!\"\r\n\r\n\"Gotta match?\"\r\n\r\n\"Now, why in the name of God's green Earth did I do that?!\"\r\n\r\n\"We'll just mix these two together and that should...!\"\r\n\r\n\"No honey, there's no one in your closet. Now go to sleep. Quit crying. Here, I'll look just to make sure.\"\r\n\r\n\"It's the red wire, right? The blue wire? There is no blue wire. The black one then? You're so wishy-washy. Here I'll just cut them both!\"\r\n\r\n\"Wow. A real dud grenade! Can I pick it up?\"\r\n\r\n\"Hey what's with the mask! I'm just visiting the hospital! Zzzzzzzzz...\"\r\n\r\n\"Sister Loretta, I'm telling you, I DID NOT TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN. Geez! That's the biggest ruler I've ever seen!\"\r\n\r\n\"Don't move. DONT'T MOVE! Ah! To hell with it I'm runnin'!\"\r\n\r\n\"Hey, hey, hey! Were friends, right? Then put down the flame thrower. I said: put down the flamethrower! What do you mean by \"Good idea, I'll use my pistol instead\"?!!!\"\r\n\r\nAnd finally...\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!\r\nWhew. That was close............?.... OOHHHH MY LORD!!!!! WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT??? WHAT IN THE HELL...... IS THAT??? WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM??? Wait a minute... Wait a minute....\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOH SHIT!!!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 996,
"title": "MORE MORE EVEN MORE FAMOUS LAST WORDS!!!"
},
{
"body": "I broke in to a gun shop last week. I didn't know that the owner lived on-site. He must have spent every night for the last ten years thinking of what he would do to the poor, hapless soul who would try to break in. I pointed my gun at him and he held up a grenade as he ran at me. I should be able to breath again in a few years. The old shopkeeper is dead, but, man, he got a hell of a laugh in before he left the world, Kamikaze style.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 998,
"title": "Gun Shop Robbery"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so fat, her Inuit name is Denali!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 999,
"title": "Mt. Mama"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so dumb, she thought a GameCube was a Rubik's puzzle.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1000,
"title": "GameCube"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so fat, when she jumps in the ocean, people head for higher ground.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1001,
"title": "Tsunami Mommy"
},
{
"body": "Yo self-centered momma is so fat, the world really does revolve around her!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1002,
"title": "Self Centered Momma"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat, your family photos have to be shot from a plane.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1004,
"title": "Big Momma at the Family Reunion"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat and lazy, that her hair-do has been turned into a National Forest.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1005,
"title": "Get a Haircut, Momma!"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama so stupid, she got fired at the M & M factory because she threw out all the W's!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1006,
"title": "Factory"
},
{
"body": "3 people were asked to find the \"hardest\" word in the dictionary. One person found the word \"happiness\". One person found the word\"photosynthesis\". The last person found the word \"dick\".",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1007,
"title": "Hardest Word"
},
{
"body": "How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nNone, blondes usually screw in cars!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1008,
"title": "Lightbulb"
},
{
"body": "What do railroad tracks and blondes have in common?\r\n\r\nThey are both laid all over America!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1009,
"title": "What Do Railroad Tracks..."
},
{
"body": "How do you get a blonde to laugh on Friday?\r\n\r\nTell her a joke on Monday!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1012,
"title": "How Do You Get a Blonde to Laugh on Friday?"
},
{
"body": "What does a blonde do when she wakes up?\r\n\r\nShe goes home!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1013,
"title": "Blondesssss"
},
{
"body": "A blonde is like a door knob, everyone gets a turn!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1015,
"title": "Door Knob"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock! \r\nWho's there? \r\nLittle boy blue. \r\nLittle Boy Blue who?\r\nMicheal Jackson!!!!!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 1016,
"title": "Little Boy Blue"
},
{
"body": "Why are constipated people so mean and rude?\r\n\r\n..because they don't give a crap!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1018,
"title": "Why Are....."
},
{
"body": "What do hookers and bungee jump cords have in common?\r\n\r\nThey're both cheap, fast and if the rubber breaks, your dead!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1019,
"title": "Bungee Jump"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so old that when I told her to act her age, she died!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1020,
"title": "Old"
},
{
"body": "Bob and Bo are hunting. Bob had a sever case of diarrhea so he decided to stay and rest up. Bo goes out and kills a big deer and guts it. He then thinks it would be funny if he laid the deers guts in Bob's sleeping bag so he does and goes to sleep. Then he wakes up the next morning and see's that Bob and the guts are gone. Then he notices Bob and asks how's he feeling. Bob says, \"My diarrhea was so bad I crapped my guts out but with God's grace and these two fingers I got them all back in.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1022,
"title": "Hunted"
},
{
"body": "Timmy had been having a hard time in math class and got an 'F' on almost all of his report cards. His mom thought he'd be better off if he went to a private Catholic school. The very first day of school Timmy came home, went straight to his room and began working until he finally just fell asleep on his bed. This continued for a long time until he got his first report card from the new school and his mom was so proud when he got an 'A' in Math. She said, \"I knew you'd do better in a private school.\" \r\n\r\nThen she says how did you do so well?\" and Timmy replies, \"When I walked in and saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1023,
"title": "Little Timmy"
},
{
"body": "If it sounds like a duck, has a beak like a duck and feet like a duck, and swims like a duck, you still better make sure that it ain't a platypus!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1024,
"title": "Is it a Duck?"
},
{
"body": "During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: \r\n\r\nChange the last line of the Lord's prayer from \"give us this day our daily bread\" to \"give us this day our daily chicken.\" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. \r\n\r\nTwo weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. \r\n\r\nAt a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. \"The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1030,
"title": "Business As Usual in the Vatican"
},
{
"body": "A man is driving along an old dirt road when he sees this giant mud hole, but, he is not quick enough to swerve and avoid it. He climbs out of his car and walks along the road until he reaches a farm house. \r\n\r\nHe goes in and asks the farmer to help him out of the hole. The farmer agrees and between the two of them they get the car out in about 15 minutes. The man offers to pay the farmer and asks how much he should give. \r\n\r\nThe farmer says, \"$200 should cover it because it took me a whole day.\" The man gets angry and shouts, \"All day! It hardly took you 15 minutes.\" The farmer says, \"Yea, but I had to fill the hole with mud too.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1033,
"title": "Farmer's Income"
},
{
"body": "A boy asks his dad,\"Dad, what is 6.9?\"\r\nThe dad answers, \"69 interrupted by a period!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1035,
"title": "6.9"
},
{
"body": "Why does Santa have such big balls?\r\n\r\nBecause he only comes once a year!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1036,
"title": "Santa"
},
{
"body": "You're so stupid that you sold your car for gas money!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1038,
"title": "You're So Stupid You..."
},
{
"body": "One blonde was so dumb she got locked in a bathroom and pissed her self!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1040,
"title": "Bathroom"
},
{
"body": "A blonde is like a turtle. If either one is on their back, they are screwed!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1041,
"title": "Turtles"
},
{
"body": "How do you confuse a blonde?\r\n\r\nPut her in a circular room and tell her there is a vibrator in the corner. \r\n\r\nHow does a blonde confuse you?\r\n\r\nWhen she comes out and says she found it.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1046,
"title": "Corner Room"
},
{
"body": "How many blonde jokes are there?\r\n\r\nOne. The rest are all true stories.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1047,
"title": "True"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a blonde and the internet?\r\n\r\nNot everyone has been on the internet!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1048,
"title": "Internet"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time 5 Indians captured 3 Americans and they said to go get fruit or they'll beat them up.\r\n\r\nThe 1st guy comes back with apples and the Indians tell him to shove 10 apples up his butt. He says \"Ok - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...\" then he dies and goes to Heaven.\r\n\r\nThe 2nd guy comes back with oranges and he was told the same. \"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...\" then he bursts out laughing and laughs himself to death and he goes to Heaven. The 2 guys meet in Heaven and the 1st one says \"why did you stop? you were so close!\"\r\n\r\n\"Because I saw the 3rd guy, he had pineapples!!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1050,
"title": "3 Americans"
},
{
"body": "How do you fit 4 gay guys on a chair?\r\n\r\nTurn it upside down!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1054,
"title": "How Do You Fit..."
},
{
"body": "What do Osama Bin Laden and crabs have in common.\r\n\r\n\r\nThey both irritate bush!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1055,
"title": "What Do Osama Bin Laden"
},
{
"body": "2 men were out camping. At about 3:00 one man had to go to the bathroom. There were no toilets around and the men had no toilet paper! The man took a crap in the forest, but then had noting to wipe his butt with. He asked his friend what to do, and his friends said to wipe his butt with a 1 dollar bill. 5 minutes later the man came back with crap all over his hands. The friend asked what happened and the man said, \"I didn't have a 1 dollar bill, so I used 4 quarters!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1057,
"title": "Two Men Camping"
},
{
"body": "What is grosser than gross?\r\n\r\nWhen a midget walks by and says your hair smells nice!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1059,
"title": "Midgets"
},
{
"body": "What is the name for a bandaid on a pumpkin?\r\n\r\nA pumpkin patch!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1061,
"title": "Pumpkin"
},
{
"body": "You're so stupid, you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1063,
"title": "Killing a Bird"
},
{
"body": "Your so stupid you tried to kill a fish by drowning it!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1064,
"title": "Killing Fish"
},
{
"body": "Your so stupid you invented glow in the dark sun glasses!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1065,
"title": "Solar Powered"
},
{
"body": "You're so dumb you invented water proof tea bags!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1067,
"title": "Waterproof"
},
{
"body": "You're so fat, when you went outside wearing a yellow dress everybody called \"TAXI\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1068,
"title": "TAXI"
},
{
"body": "You're so ugly, you can't even turn on a lightbulb!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1069,
"title": "UgLy"
},
{
"body": "You're so fat that everybody has to talk behind your back!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1073,
"title": "Behind Back"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so ugly, when she went to go rob a bank she didn't have to use no gun, she just reached her head over the counter and said put the money in the bag!!!!!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1074,
"title": "Uglyness"
},
{
"body": "A man had just got his car stuck in a mudhole during a drive in the country and he needed help getting it out. So he walked until he found a farm and asked the farmer for help. The farmer agrees to help the guy out. So he takes a horse out of the stable and leads him to the car. The farmer then ties a harness around the horse and the other end to the car.\r\nThe farmer yells, \"Pull, Sandy!\"\r\nThe horse just stands there.\r\nThe farmer yells, \"Come on now, pull Twister!\"\r\nThe horse once again just stands there.\r\nFinally the farmer yells, \"Ok dangit, PULL RANGER! You're just standing there!\"\r\nFinally the horse springs forward and with all the strength he has he pulls the car out of the ditch and onto the roadside.\r\nThe man thanks the farmer many times, but before leaving asks the farmer why he yelled out names of horses that weren't there.\r\nThe farmer just smiles and replies, \"Oh, you see Ranger there is completely blind and a lazy horse. He wasn't going to pull if he thought he was the only one trying.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1075,
"title": "Pull!"
},
{
"body": "One day, I went to the shooting gallery at the fair, one with the smiling clowns. I aimed and fired. Imagine my reaction when the target started yelling obscenities and charged.\r\n\r\n\"WOW! These fairs are really getting high-tech,\" I thought. Just to impress the girls watching, I held my ground and continued firing. Pretty soon, he lost all of his teeth, but he still kept coming. And that was some realistic blood! I aimed up at the forehead, and the target dropped like a rock. A security guard walked up to me and said, \"How do you feel? You just killed a carnie, you sicko!\"\r\n\r\n\"Wow, real carnival people!\" I said, \"I gotta get some of those for my shotgun at home! Carnies are cheaper than paper targets, and you don't have to worry about the guilt from killing the precious trees!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1077,
"title": "A Day at the Fairgrounds"
},
{
"body": "A city mouse had a country mouse stay for the weekend, and spent the whole time offering urban advice. On the last evening of the country mouse's visit, they were dining in the kitchen when in \r\ncame the largest cat the country mouse had ever seen.\r\n\r\n\"Don't panic,\" said the town mouse, \"Leave this to me.\"\r\n\r\nMarching up to the cat she said, \"Bow wow wow wow! The cat turned and ran from the room. \r\n\r\n\"How did you do that?\" asked the country mouse.\r\n\r\n\"Like I told you,\" said the town mouse, \"it pays to learn a second language.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1081,
"title": "A Mouse Story"
},
{
"body": "There were three guys on the C.N. tower and the tour guide told \r\nthem that if either one of them could throw their watches over \r\nthe side and run down and catch it, they would win 1 million \r\ndollars.\r\n\r\nThe first guy threw his watch over and when he got down, it was\r\nshattered into a million pieces. The same thing happened to the \r\nsecond guy. The third guy threw his watch over, went home and got\r\na shower, had his dinner, and came back and caught his watch. \r\nThe all wondered how he did it and he said, \" I set it two hours \r\nslow\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1083,
"title": "C.N. Tower Time"
},
{
"body": "The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. \r\n\r\nAfter some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.\r\n\r\nThe ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, \"You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.\" \r\n\r\n\"Impossible,\" said the embarrassed man, \"You really know what I think?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" the lady replied, 'I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1084,
"title": "Reading Minds"
},
{
"body": "One night Aggie says to George \"Think I'll go to bingo the night \r\nGeorge... when I'm gone you make sure the youngsters get in and \r\ngo to bed\"\r\n\r\nNow George and Aggie had thirteen kids the last time they counted.\r\nSo when Aggie went off to bingo, George went out and made the \r\nyoungsters come in and get to bed. For about three or four hours,\r\none little boy kept crying and crying, so George takes off up \r\nwith a split and hits the floor, the little boy cries harder and\r\nharder.\r\n\r\nGeorge sputters out \"What are you bawling about?\" \r\n\r\nThe little boy replies \"I want to go to me own home.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1085,
"title": "Off to Bed With Ya"
},
{
"body": "A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, \"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?\" \r\n\r\nThe first man approached him and said, \"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?\" \r\n\r\nThe mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied... \r\n\r\n\"My wife's first husband.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1086,
"title": "Mourning the Departed"
},
{
"body": "A Blonde is getting on an elevator and meets a gentleman on \r\nboard.\r\n\r\n\"T.G.I.F.\" she says.\r\n\r\n\"S.H.I.T\" was his reply. \r\n\r\nPuzzled she replied \"T.G.I.F\"\r\n\r\nThe gentleman was getting a little disturbed the the remark, so \r\nhe says again. \"S.H.I.T.\". \r\n\r\nThe Blonde leans over and whispers \"THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY\". \r\n\r\nThe gentleman responses with \"SORRY, HONEY IT'S THURSDAY\".",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1087,
"title": "T.G.I.F"
},
{
"body": "Two guys own a zoo. To their angst their lone female gorilla\r\ngoes into heat. Knowing she will be violent if not looked after \r\nthey take her to a vet for advice. He says she needs to be bred\r\nby a male gorilla. Knowing they can't find a male they weigh \r\ntheir options. One says to the other, hey that guy that cleans \r\nthe cages is kind of crazy, maybe he'll do it. They ask him if \r\nhe'd do it for $500. He asks for some time to think about it.\r\n\r\nThe next day he comes back to the guys and says he'll do it on \r\nthree conditions. \r\n\r\n 1) No commitments, once it's done it's over.\r\n 2) If there is any kids I'm not responsible.\r\n\r\nThe two say O.K. no problem, what's your third condition? \r\n\r\nWell he says it's going to take me a few weeks to come up with \r\nthe 500 dollars......",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1088,
"title": "Zookeeper"
},
{
"body": "1. Log on: Make the wood stove hotter\r\n2. Log off: Don't add no more wood\r\n3. Monitor: Keep an eye on that wood stove\r\n4. Download: Getting the firewood off the truck\r\n5. Floppy Disk: What you fet from trying to carry to \r\n much firewood\r\n6. Ram: The thing that splits the firewood\r\n7. Hard Drive: Getting home in the winter\r\n8. Prompt: \"Throw another log on the fire\"\r\n9. Window: What to shut when it's cold outside\r\n10. Screen: What to shut in fly season\r\n11. Byte: What flies do\r\n12. Bit: What the flies did\r\n13. Mega Byte: What BIG flies do\r\n14. Chip: Munchies when monitoring\r\n15. Micro Chip: What's left after you eat the chips\r\n16. Modem: What you did to the hay fields\r\n17. Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrixs' wife\r\n18. Lap top: Where kitty sleeps\r\n19. Software: The dumb plastic knives and forks they\r\n give you at the Big R\r\n20. Hardware: Real stainless steel cutlery\r\n21. Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn\r\n22. Main Frame: What holds up the barn\r\n23. Enter: City talk for \"Come on in, b'y\"\r\n24. Web: The things spiders makes\r\n25. Web Site: The barn or attic\r\n26. Cursor: Someone who swears a lot\r\n27. Search Engine: What you do when the car dies\r\n28. Screen Saver: A repair kit for the torn window screen\r\n29. Home Page: A map you keep in your back pocket just\r\n in case you get lost when picking burries\r\n30. Upgrade: Driving up Barters' Hill\r\n31. Server: The Mrs. at Donovan's who brings the\r\n jigs' dinner\r\n32. Mail Server: The guy at Big R with grade 8 who brings\r\n fish\r\n33. MS-DOS: Some new disease they discovered\r\n34. Sound Card: One of them technological birthday cards\r\n that plays music\r\n35. User: Buddy down your street who keeps coming\r\n over borrowing stuff\r\n36. Browser: What they call you when your eyebrows\r\n grow together\r\n37. Network: When you have to repair your fishin net\r\n38. Internet: Where the fish get caught\r\n39. Netscape: When a fish gets away\r\n40. On-line: When you gets the laundry on the washline\r\n41. Off-line: When the clothespins let go and the\r\n laundry falls on the ground",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1089,
"title": "Newfoundland Computer Lingo"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat, when she sat on a quarter, boogers came out of George Washington's nose.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1090,
"title": "Boogers"
},
{
"body": "What did the Lawyer name his daughter?\r\n\r\nAnswer: Sue",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 1091,
"title": "Name?"
},
{
"body": "Can you go skinny dippin' if you're fat?\r\n\r\nIs it possible to fight on a luv seat?\r\n\r\nIf you drink tap water can you tap dance? \r\n\r\n by:lilpapa92",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1092,
"title": "QUESTIONS"
},
{
"body": "The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, \"I'm the Boss\". He then taped it to his office door.\r\n\r\nLater that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. \"Your wife called, she wants her sign back",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1093,
"title": "He's the Boss"
},
{
"body": "A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. \r\n\"What the hell do you think you're doing?\" \r\n\"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line.\" \r\n\"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 1094,
"title": "A Few Good Lawyers"
},
{
"body": "1. The female always makes the rules. \r\n2. The rules can change without notice. \r\n3. Males can't know the rules. \r\n4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some of the rules. \r\n5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong. \r\n6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said which was wrong. \r\n7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the misunderstanding. \r\n8. The female can change her mind. \r\n9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of the female. \r\n10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. \r\n11. The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. \r\n12. The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. \r\n13. If the female has PMS, there are no rules. \r\n14. The male cannot diagnose PMS.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1095,
"title": "Rules for Males and Females"
},
{
"body": "Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch? \r\nHer blinker was on.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1096,
"title": "Blonde Driver"
},
{
"body": "One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, \"Please send me a sister.\" \r\nSanta Clause wrote him back, \"Ok, send me your mother.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1097,
"title": "A Letter to Santa"
},
{
"body": "A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.\r\n\r\n\"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex,\" she said.\r\n\r\nThe boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.\r\n\r\n\"Why aren't we going anywhere?\" asked the girl.\r\n\r\n\"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1099,
"title": "The Last Laugh"
},
{
"body": "How do you keep a blonde busy on a rainy day?\r\n\r\nTell her to touch the rainbow.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1100,
"title": "Rainy Day"
},
{
"body": "A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. \r\n\r\nThe visiting hunter asked, \"When did you bag him?\" \r\nThe host said, \"That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife.\" \r\n\"What's he stuffed with?\" asked the visiting hunter, and the host said, \"My wife.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1102,
"title": "Stuffed Lion"
},
{
"body": "Two blondes rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One blonde said to her friend, \r\n\"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow.\" \r\nThe next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same blonde asked her friend, \"Did you mark that spot?\" \r\nHer friend replied, \"Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat.\" \r\nThe first one said, \"You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1103,
"title": "Blondes Go Fishing"
},
{
"body": "College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version\r\n\r\nTime Limit: 3 Weeks\r\n\r\nName: _____________________________\r\n\r\n1. What language is spoken in France?\r\n\r\n2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.\r\n\r\n3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to\r\n___ (a) build a bridge\r\n___ (b) sail the ocean\r\n___ (c) lead an army or\r\n___ (d) WRITE A PLAY\r\n\r\n4. What religion is the Pope?\r\n___ (a) Jewish\r\n___ (b) Catholic\r\n___ (c) Hindu\r\n___ (d) Polish\r\n___ (e) Agnostic (check only one)\r\n\r\n5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?\r\n\r\n6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?\r\n\r\n7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)\r\n\r\n8. What are people in America's far north called?\r\n___ (a) Westerners\r\n___ (b) Southerners\r\n___ (c) Northerners\r\n\r\n9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton\r\nBush: __________________________________________\r\nCarter: __________________________________________\r\nClinton: __________________________________________\r\n\r\n10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five:\r\n\r\n11. Where does rain come from?\r\n___ (a) Macy's\r\n___ (b) a 7-11\r\n___ (c) Canada\r\n___ (d) the sky\r\n\r\n12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?\r\n___ (a) yes\r\n___ (b) no\r\n\r\n13. What are coat hangers used for?\r\n\r\n14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?\r\n\r\n15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.\r\n\r\n16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?\r\n\r\n17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?\r\n___ (a) New York\r\n___ (b) Florida\r\n___ (c) Canada\r\n___ (d) Wisconsin\r\n\r\n18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?\r\n\r\n19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?\r\n\r\n20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?\r\n___ (a) B.C.\r\n___ (b) A.D.\r\n\r\n * You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1104,
"title": "College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version"
},
{
"body": "Sometimes advertisers get it all wrong. Here are some funny examples of advertising campaigns that ended up being entirely inappropriate.\r\n\r\n1. Coors put its slogan, \"Turn it loose,\" into Spanish,\r\nwhere it was read as \"Suffer from diarrhea\".\r\n\r\n2. Clairol introduced the \"Mist Stick\", a curling iron,\r\ninto German only to find out that \"mist\" is slang for\r\nmanure. Not too many people had a use for\r\nthe \"manure stick\".\r\n\r\n3. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of \"I saw the Pope\" (el Papa), the shirts read \"I saw the potato\" (la papa).\r\n\r\n4. Pepsi's \"Come alive with the Pepsi Generation\"\r\ntranslated into \"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave\", in Chinese.\r\n\r\n5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.\r\n\r\n6. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, \"it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken\" was translated into Spanish as \"it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate\".\r\n\r\n7. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as\r\n\"Ke-kou-ke-la\", meaning \"Bite the wax tadpole\" or \"female horse stuffed with wax\", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent \"ko-kou-ko-le\", translating into \"happiness in the mouth\".\r\n\r\n8. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, \"it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you\". Instead, the company thought that the word \"embarazar\" (to impregnate) meant to\r\nembarrass, so the ad read: \"It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant\". OOPS!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1105,
"title": "Crazy Advertisements!"
},
{
"body": "You're so stupid that when you send a FAX you put a stamp on it",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1106,
"title": "You're so stupid........FAX"
},
{
"body": "Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.\"\r\n\r\nThe first man went down yelling, ''Beeeerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer. \r\n\r\nThe second guy went down the slide yelling,''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade. \r\n\r\nThe third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1107,
"title": "3 Men, 3 Wishes"
},
{
"body": "APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: \r\n\r\nThis application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. \r\n\r\n1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________ \r\n\r\n2. HEIGHT ____________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.______ \r\n\r\n3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________ \r\n\r\n4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________ \r\n\r\n5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _________ \r\n\r\n6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________________ If No., EXPLAIN ___________________________________________________ \r\n\r\n7. Number of years your parents have been married ____________________________ \r\n\r\n8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _______ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? A tattoo_________________ (If \"yes\" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises ) \r\n\r\n9. In 50 words or less, what does \"LATE\" mean to you?____________________ _______________________________________________________________________ \r\n\r\n10. In 50 words or less, what does \"DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER\" mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ \r\n\r\n11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE\" mean to you? _____________________________________________________________________ \r\n\r\n12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend __________________ \r\n\r\n13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________ \r\n\r\n14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)\r\n\r\na) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________ \r\n\r\nb) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________ \r\n\r\nc) A woman's place is in the ________________________________________ \r\n\r\nd) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________ \r\n\r\ne) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her ______________ \r\n\r\n( NOTE: If your answer begins with \"T\" or \"A\", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.) \r\n\r\n15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________ \r\n\r\nI SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.\r\n\r\n________________________________________ Signature ( That means your name, moron) \r\n\r\nThank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (You might want to watch your back)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1108,
"title": "Application to Date My Daughter"
},
{
"body": "Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1109,
"title": "Battle of the Sexes"
},
{
"body": "An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church\r\nmembers), to come to his home.\r\n\r\nWhen they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.\r\n\r\n Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, \"Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?\"\r\n\r\nThe old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, \" Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 1110,
"title": "Old Preachers Last Wish"
},
{
"body": "A man and his friend are out camping and the first one needs to go to the bathroom and they have no toliet paper so he asks his friend what to do. His friend says just wipe it with your hand and smack it on a rock. So the man does so and smacks his hand on a rock and it hurts him really bad, so to reduce the pain he sucks on his hand.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1114,
"title": "TP Usage"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of whiskey. \r\n\r\nThe bartender asks, \"What happened?\" \r\n\r\nThe guy replies, \"I just found out my younger brother is gay.\" He finish's his shots and leaves. \r\n\r\nThe next day he comes back and orders five shots and the bartender asks, \" What happened this time?\" \r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"I just found out my older brother is gay and I always looked up to him.\" The man finish's his shots and leaves. \r\n\r\nThe next day he comes back and orders twelve shots. The bartender says, \"Doesn't anybody in your family like women?\" \r\n\r\nThe man replies, \" Yea, my mom.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 1115,
"title": "Poor Guy"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1118,
"title": "Love..."
},
{
"body": "Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, \"Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?\" \r\nThe other cow answers, \"Yeah, makes you glad we're penguins, doesn't it?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1119,
"title": "Mad Cow"
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine? \r\nA porcupine has pricks on the outside.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1120,
"title": "BMWs & Porcupines"
},
{
"body": "A bear and a rabbit are walking together and they find a magic lamp. They decide to rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, \"Thank you for releasing me I will give you both 3 wishes.\" \r\n\r\nThe bear thinks and says, \"I wish all the other bears in this forest were lady bears.\" Then the rabbit says, \"I wish for a little motorcycle that is perfect for me.\" The genie grants both wishes. \r\n\r\nThen the bear decides his second will be for all the bears in the country besides him to be female The rabbit wishes for a little helmet that fits his head and has holes for his ears. \r\n\r\nThen the bear says, \"Why not have all the bears in the world be girls.\" Then the rabbit, thinking quickly, says, \"I wish the bear was gay,\" and speeds off on his motorbike.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1122,
"title": "A Bear and a Rabbit"
},
{
"body": "In Midtown Manhattan a police officer arrives at the scene of what appears to be a bad accident. A pedestrian is lying in the crosswalk. The driver of the car under suspicion says, \"I swear I didn't touch him! I saw him at the crosswalk, I came to a complete stop, motioned for him to cross, and he fainted.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1126,
"title": "Crosswalk"
},
{
"body": "The movie producer was planning his next blockbuster - an action docudrama about famous composers. So he set up a meeting with Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger and offered them the chance to select which famous musicians they'd portray.\r\n\r\n\"Chopin has always been my favorite,\" said Van Damme. \"That's the part for me.\"\r\n\r\n\"I've always admired Mozart,\" Stallone said. \"I'd love to play him.\"\r\n\r\nThe producer turned to Schwarzenegger. \"And you, Arnold? Who do you want to be?\"\r\n\r\nThere was a long silence, then he replied, \"I'll be Bach.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1127,
"title": "Blockbuster"
},
{
"body": "The sky was dark\r\nthe moon was high\r\nall alone\r\njust her and I\r\nHer hair was so soft\r\nHer eyes so blue\r\nI knew just what\r\nshe wanted to do\r\nher skin so soft\r\nher legs so fine\r\nI ran my fingers\r\ndown her spine\r\nI didn't know how\r\nBut I tried my best\r\nI started by placing\r\nmy hand on her breast\r\nI remember my fear\r\nMy fast beating heart\r\nbut slowly she spread\r\nher legs apart,\r\nand when I did it\r\nI felt no shame\r\nand all at once\r\nthe white stuff came\r\nAt last it's finished\r\nit's all over now\r\nmy first time ever\r\nat milking a cow",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1131,
"title": "My First Time Ever!"
},
{
"body": "That sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears. \r\n\r\nSometimes when you're sad, no one understands your pain. \r\n\r\nSometimes when you're happy, no one sees your smile. \r\n\r\nBut you just have to fart once, and EVERYBODY knows.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1132,
"title": "Have You Ever Noticed"
},
{
"body": "Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)\r\n\r\n1. Elementary map reading\r\n2. Crying and law enforcement\r\n3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR\r\n4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours\r\n5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.\r\n6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine (\"It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.\")\r\n7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions\r\n8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights\r\n9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed\r\n10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water\r\n11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament\r\n12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, \"Me too\" equals \"I love you\")\r\n13. How to earn your own money\r\n14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, \"Fabric bad, electronics good\")\r\n15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side\r\n16. Beyond \"Clean and Dirty\" - The nuances of wearable laundry\r\n17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station\r\n18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels\r\n19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy\r\n20. His best friend can be yours too\r\n21. His poker games: Deal yourself out\r\n22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, \"Wedlock Schmedlock\")\r\n23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above \"I do\"\r\n24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house\r\n25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1133,
"title": "Seminars for Women"
},
{
"body": "Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females)\r\n\r\n1. Combatting stupidity\r\n2. You too can do housework\r\n3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut\r\n4. How to fill an ice tray\r\n5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us\r\nmoney\r\n6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am\r\n7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, \"Don't wash my silks\")\r\n8. Parenting: It doesn't end with conception\r\n9. Get a life; learn to cook\r\n10. How not to act like a jackass when you're obviously wrong\r\n11. Spelling: Even you can get it right\r\n12. Understanding your financial incompetence\r\n13. You: The weaker sex\r\n14. Reasons to give flowers\r\n15. How to stay awake in public\r\n16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom\r\n17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb\r\n18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try\r\n19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower\r\n20. I'll wear it if I damn well please\r\n21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled \"No, it's not a bidet\")\r\n22. \"The weekend\" and \"sports\" are not synonyms\r\n23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull\r\n24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost\r\n25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency\r\n26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex\r\n27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes\r\n28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too\r\n29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home\r\n30. You too can be a designated driver\r\n31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, \"You don't look like Mel Gibson when naked\")\r\n32. Changing your underwear: It really works\r\n33. The attainable goal: removing \"tits\" from your vocabulary\r\n34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary\r\n35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1134,
"title": "Seminars for Men"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the sailor who died, and wanted to be buried at sea by his 5 blonde daughters?\r\n\r\nHis daughters all drowned digging the grave.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1135,
"title": "Buried at Sea"
},
{
"body": "A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.\r\n\"Excuse me,\" he says, taking the guy aside, \"but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?\"\r\n\"Maybe I can help a leetle beet,\" says the Frenchman. \"What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way.\"\r\n\"Wow! Thanks!\" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.\r\nSo he goes back to the Frenchman. \"I'm sorry to bother you again,\" he says, \"but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl.\"\r\n\"Okay,\" says the Frenchman, \"I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way.\"\r\n\"Thanks!\" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it any more and goes back to the Frenchman.\r\n\"Look,\" he says, \"I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?\"\r\n\"Well,\" says the Frenchman, \"maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 1136,
"title": "Redneck in France"
},
{
"body": "A couple is having a nice dinner at a local restaurant, having a good time telling blonde jokes. Suddenly a blonde approached them and slapped her hand down on the table. She angrily tells them that she can take a blonde joke as well as the next person, but it isn't nice to keep bashing them in public.\r\nThe couple apologize and changes the topic.\r\nA few minutes later the woman needs to go to the restroom, so she goes off, and she is followed by the blonde.\r\nAfter 10 minutes the blonde comes out frusturated, and storms out the front door. The woman calmly comes out and sits down at her table.\r\nThe man asks what happened in there.\r\nThe woman replies, \"Well, as I was washing my hands, the blonde came in and pulled a razor on me!\"\r\nThe man replies, \"Oh my god, what happened?\"\r\nThe woman bursts out laughing, \"Well, nothing, luckily she didn't find a place to plug it in!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1139,
"title": "Razors"
},
{
"body": "You're so poor I went in your front door and came out the back.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1142,
"title": "You're So Poor"
},
{
"body": "Why did the boy eat his homework? \r\nBecause his teacher said it was a piece of cake",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1143,
"title": "After School Snack"
},
{
"body": "The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, \"What's with that guy over there by the wall?\" \r\nThe clerk says, \"Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.\" \r\n\r\nThe owner says, \"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!\" \r\n\r\nThe clerk says, \"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1144,
"title": "Juicy Squirt"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, \"I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?\" \r\nThe doctor replied, \"Well, I can clearly see your nuts!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1145,
"title": "Peek-A-Boo"
},
{
"body": "Why don't you slip into something comfortable.\r\n\r\nLike a coma.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1147,
"title": "Be Comfortable"
},
{
"body": "I haven't seen anyone run that fast since Twinkies went on sale.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1148,
"title": "Twinkies"
},
{
"body": "Blondes are like a rollercoaster, everyone gets a ride!!!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1149,
"title": "Rollercoaster"
},
{
"body": "1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.\r\n\r\n2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.\r\n\r\n3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.\r\n\r\n4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.\r\n\r\n5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.\r\n\r\n6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.\r\n\r\n7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.\r\n\r\n8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.\r\n\r\n9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.\r\n\r\n10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1151,
"title": "The Difference Between Men and Women"
},
{
"body": "Dear Tech Support: \r\nLast year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? \r\nDesperate \r\n******************************************** \r\nDear Desperate: \r\nFirst keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. \r\nThese are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. \r\nIn summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. \r\nGood Luck, \r\nTech Support.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1152,
"title": "Software Upgrade"
},
{
"body": "A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, \"Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal.\" \r\n\"A rehearsal?\" his buddy asks, \"Don't you mean a performance?\" \r\n\r\n\"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1153,
"title": "Honey I Can't Perform!"
},
{
"body": "Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. \r\n\r\nFinally one day Justin said to Christian, \"I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten...\"\r\n\r\nAs Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, \"Your wish is granted,\" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. \r\n\r\nHorrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.\r\n\r\nTime went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. \r\n\r\nWhile out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold,he is turned back into a prawn.\r\n\r\nWith tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. \r\n\r\n\"Where's Christian?\" he asked.\r\n\r\n\"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark,\" came the reply.\r\n\r\nEager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, \"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.\"\r\n \r\nChristian replied \"No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked.\"\r\n \r\nJustin cried back \"No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.\"\r\n\r\n\"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1157,
"title": "Caribbean Prawns"
},
{
"body": "The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, \"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?\"\r\n\r\nNo one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, \"You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!\"\r\n\r\nWith a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.\r\n\r\nMrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, \"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?\"\r\n\r\nLittle Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, \"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, \"Anybody?\"\r\n\r\nFinally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, \"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.\"\r\n\r\nMrs. Parks said, \"Very good, Billy,\" then turned to Mary and continued, \"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:\r\n\r\nOne, you have a dirty mind,\r\nTwo, you didn't read your homework, and\r\nThree, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1158,
"title": "Ten Times"
},
{
"body": "On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. \"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir\" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick \"hello\" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. \"What are those?\" asks the attendant. \"They're called tees\" replies Tiger. \"Well, what on the good earth are they for?\" inquires the Irishman. \"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving\" says Tiger. \"Frickin 'eck\" says the Irishman, \"BMW thinks of everything!\".",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1159,
"title": "Driver"
},
{
"body": "What do you call an Irishman sitting in your backyard?\r\n\r\nPaddy O'Furniture",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1160,
"title": "Irishman"
},
{
"body": "A tutor who tooted the flute\r\nTried to teach two young tooters to toot\r\nSaid the two to the tutor\r\nIs it harder to toot or\r\nTo tutor two tooters to toot?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1161,
"title": "Tutor"
},
{
"body": "Broccoli, while not exoccoli,\r\nIs within an inach of being spinach.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1162,
"title": "Broccoli"
},
{
"body": "Q. What's worse than raining cats and dogs?\r\n\r\nA. Hailing taxicabs!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1163,
"title": "Raining Cats and Dogs"
},
{
"body": "A little girl got on her grandpa's lap and said, \"Did God make me?\" \r\n\"Yes,\" the grandpa replied. \r\n\r\n\"Did God make you, too?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" the grandpa said. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" the little girl said, while running her fingers down his wrinkles and looking at his thinning hair, \"He sure is doing a better job nowadays.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1164,
"title": "A Wrinkle in Time"
},
{
"body": "A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'.'' \r\n\r\nThe 4-year-old happily agrees. \r\nAs the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, ''Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios.\" \r\n\r\nThe surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, ''And what would YOU like for breakfast?'' \r\n\r\n''I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers, ''but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!''",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1166,
"title": "Anything But Cheerios"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, \"Mommy, can little girls have babies?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" said his mom, \"Of course not.\" \r\n\r\nLittle Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, \"It's okay, we can play that game again!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1167,
"title": "Baby Talk"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police? \r\nA: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1168,
"title": "Blonde Driving"
},
{
"body": "Some useful descriptions of people you may come into contact with from day to day.\r\n1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.\r\n2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.\r\n3. A room temperature IQ.\r\n4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.\r\n5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.\r\n6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.\r\n7. Bright as Alaska in December.\r\n8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.\r\n9. Fell out of the family tree.\r\n10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.\r\n11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.\r\n12. He's so dense, light bends around him.\r\n13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.\r\n14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.\r\n15. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.\r\n16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.\r\n17. Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch \"60 Minutes\".\r\n18. One burger short of a happy meal.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1170,
"title": "Polite Ways of Putting it"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the accident at the mall?\r\n\r\nThere was a power outage and a group of blondes was stuck on the escalator for 3 hours!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1171,
"title": "Help! I'm stuck"
},
{
"body": "In order to be a guy, a guy must follow the following rules at all times without question:\r\n\r\nAny Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. \r\n\r\nUnder no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. \r\n\r\nIt is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: \r\na. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master \r\nb. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse \r\nc. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari \r\nd. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game \r\n\r\nUnless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. \r\n\r\nAcceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident. \r\n\r\nIf you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her. \r\n\r\nThe maximum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum. \r\n\r\nComplaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable. \r\n\r\nNo man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional). \r\n\r\nWhen stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. \r\n\r\nIt is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free. \r\n\r\nUnless you're in prison, never fight naked. \r\n\r\nFriends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. \r\n\r\nIf a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'. \r\n\r\nWomen who claim they \"love to watch sports\" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. \r\n\r\nYou must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan. \r\n\r\nNever join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. \r\n\r\nNever talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. \r\n\r\nYou cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes. \r\n\r\nFinally...Always split aces and eights. No arguments!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1172,
"title": "Rules to Being a Guy"
},
{
"body": "Why it's better to be a Woman!\r\n\r\n1. We got off the Titanic first. \r\n2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. \r\n3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. \r\n4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. \r\n5. We can cry and get off speeding fines. \r\n6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game. \r\n7. Taxis stop for us. \r\n8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. \r\n9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. \r\n10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point). \r\n11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. \r\n12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay. \r\n13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. \r\n14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. \r\n15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. \r\n16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. \r\n17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt. \r\n18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. \r\n19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. \r\n20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. \r\n21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. \r\n22. We have the ability to dress ourselves. \r\n23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. \r\n24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. \r\n25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. \r\n26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. \r\n27. We'll never regret piercing our ears. \r\n28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. \r\n29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. \r\n30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1173,
"title": "Why Being a Woman is Better..."
},
{
"body": "Pity us men......... \r\n\r\nIf you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. \r\nIf you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy. \r\n\r\nIf you work too hard, there is never any time for her. \r\nIf you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. \r\n\r\nIf she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. \r\nIf you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better. \r\n\r\nIf you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. \r\nIf she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. \r\n\r\nIf you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. \r\nIf you keep quiet, it's male indifference. \r\n\r\nIf you cry, you're a wimp. \r\nIf you don't, you're an insensitive jerk. \r\n\r\nIf you thump her, it's wife bashing. \r\nIf she thumps you, it's self defense. \r\n\r\nIf you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. \r\nIf she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. \r\n\r\nIf you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. \r\nIf she asks you, it's a favor. \r\n\r\nIf you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. \r\nIf you don't, you're gay. \r\n\r\nIf you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. \r\nIf you don't, you're unromantic. \r\n\r\nIf you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. \r\nIf you don't, you're a slob. \r\n\r\nIf you buy her flowers, you're after something. \r\nIf you don't, you're not thoughtful. \r\n\r\nIf you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. \r\nIf you don't, you're not ambitious. \r\n\r\nIf she has a headache, she's tired. \r\nIf you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. \r\n\r\nIf you want it too often, you're oversexed. \r\nIf you don't, there must be someone else.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1174,
"title": "Why You Should Pity Men..."
},
{
"body": "1...Silence, the final frontier - Where no woman has gone before. \r\n2...The undiscovered side of Banking - How to make deposits. \r\n3...Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome - You don't need new shoes everyday. \r\n4...Learn how not to inflict your diets on other people. \r\n5...Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife. \r\n6...An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit. \r\n7...Man Management - Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game. \r\n8...Personal Space - Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partner's toothbrush. \r\n9...Valuation - Just because it's not important to you. \r\n10..Communication Skills I - Tears as the last resort and not the first. \r\n11..Communication Skills II - How to think before speaking. \r\n12..What he really wants - Is buying the right razor blades so difficult? \r\n13..Driving a car safely - A skill you can also acquire. \r\n14..Real women drink their share at a party. \r\n15..Telephones - How to hang up. \r\n16..Parking - Beginner's Course. \r\n17..Parking (Advanced) - Reversing into a parking space. \r\n18..The Natural Habitat of the Towel - Why they prefer the floor. \r\n19..Managing your weight - It's not water retention, it's fat. \r\n20..Learning to cook I - Bran in not food. \r\n21..Learning to cook II - Bringing back bacon and eggs. \r\n22..Compliments - How to accept them gracefully.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1175,
"title": "Seminars for Women II"
},
{
"body": "It was the first day of college, and time for the usual 'authoritative declaration of the not to be broken rules'. The principal, in typical intimidating fashion, addressed the students:\r\n\r\n\"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students. The male dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all the female students\". The principal, sensing he was on a roll, stood tall and powerful as he covered the punishments for breaking the rules. \"Be wary, anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20. It doesn't stop there though, anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?\" \r\n\r\n\"How much for a season pass?\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 1176,
"title": "College Rules"
},
{
"body": "A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at his local zoo when along came a gust of wind which swept some dust into his eye. The guy rubbed his eyelid which sent the gorilla crazy. He bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.\r\n\r\nWhen the guy finally came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. The zookeeper nodded knowingly as he explained that pulling down your eyelid means \"screw you\" in gorilla language. Obviously this didn't make the victim feel all that compensated for what had happened so he vowed revenge. \r\n\r\nThe next day, shopping list in hand, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Placing the sausage in his pants, off he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Of course he knew that gorillas were natural mimics so he proceeded to put on one of the party hats. As expected, the gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. \r\n\r\nNext, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up the other horn, and did the same. Finally, the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1177,
"title": "Gorilla Language"
},
{
"body": "There was once this guy who was on a quest to cross the Sahara desert solo, we will call him Simon, for that is a good name for a camel rider. Well he started out and things were going along just fine for weeks, however gradually he noticed a change in his camel, slowly but surely it seemed to be traveling slower and slower. \r\n\r\nIt had been a while since he had drunk water but camels were supposed to be able to survive for long periods without water he thought to himself. Well eventually the poor ol' camel just stopped altogether. \r\n\r\n\"Great!\" thought Simon, \"now I'm really in trouble\". After some time trying to pull the camel, push the camel and do anything he could to get the camel moving, he was resigned to the fact that he wasn't going anywhere fast.\r\n\r\nSuddenly, almost out of nowhere this guy comes driving up to him in a small truck with a sign on the side \"Camel Starters R US\". Well Simon couldn't believe his luck. \"This is unbelievable!\" he says as the truck approaches. \r\n\r\nThe driver leans out the window and says \"Got some camel trouble there buddy?\" The reply was swift, \"Sure have, can you help?.\" \"Sure I can,\" says the driver and before you know it he has the camel up on the back of the truck and he says to Simon \"Hop in.\"\r\n\r\nAfter a bit of a drive they arrive at what appears to be the Camel Starters R US workshop. The driver loads the camel onto the mechanics 'pit' and proceeds down underneath to look at the underside of the camel. \"Yep, I can see what the problem is there I'll have your camel started in no time matey. Sometimes they just get a bit disoriented and lose their way, but we know the trick to get 'em going again, don't you worry.\" \"Fantastic\" Simon replies. \r\n\r\nThe driver then grabs a couple of bricks extends his arms out horizontally and brings them together in a mighty thump right on the camels balls. VRRRROOOOOOOMMMMMMMM... the camel is gone in a plume of dust. \"Incredible, look at him go!\" says Simon \"But I just have one problem, the camel is definitely started, but how the heck am I going to catch him?\" The driver responds, \"Hop up on that stand for me son.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1178,
"title": "Camel Starter"
},
{
"body": "Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? \r\nIt's called, Sosumi.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 1179,
"title": "Lawyers Love Sushi"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?\r\n\r\nA: Pollution. \r\n\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge? \r\n\r\nA: Solution.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 1180,
"title": "Lawyers Off Bridge...."
},
{
"body": "There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, \"You're beautiful!\" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said \"You're cute!\" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of \"beautiful\" it was \"cute.\"\r\n\r\nShe said, \"What happened to 'beautiful?'\"\r\n\r\n His reply was, \"The drugs are wearing off!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 1181,
"title": "Beautiful?"
},
{
"body": "-Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. \r\n-Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. \r\n\r\n-Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. \r\n-Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it. \r\n\r\n-Good girls wax their floors. \r\n-Bad girls wax their bikini lines. \r\n\r\n-Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. \r\n-Bad girls know they could do it better. \r\n\r\n-Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. \r\n-Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls. \r\n\r\n-Good girls wear high heels to work. \r\n-Bad girls wear high heels to bed. \r\n\r\n-Good girls say, ''Don't... Stop...'' \r\n-Bad girls say, ''Don't Stop...''",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1182,
"title": "Good Girls vs Bad Girls"
},
{
"body": "One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!'' \r\n\r\n''No. You had your chance.'' \r\n\r\nA minute later the boy screamed ''Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?'' \r\n\r\n''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.'' \r\n\r\n''Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass of water?''",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1183,
"title": "Bed Time"
},
{
"body": "A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned. \r\n\"What happened, my child?\" \r\n\"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie, so I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye.\" \r\n\"Okay; how did you get the other black eye?\" \r\n\"Well, I thought I'd done something wrong, so I put her wedgie back.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1184,
"title": "Black Eyes"
},
{
"body": "A lawyer was having a nice peacful time at home one day when the phone rang. He answered it and it was a man asking for donations towards a charity.\r\n\r\nThe lawyer tries to tell the man politely that he wouldn't donate. But the man kept pushing and pushing. The man said over the phone, \"But Sir, I know for a fact you are a very wealthy lawyer, you make tons of money each year, and as I look over this information sheet I don't see any donations you have made to any charities in the last five years. Don't you think it's time you gave something back to the community that's treated you so well?\"\r\n\r\nThe lawyers now pissed replies, \"Look! I have a sick mother who requires an expensive surgery, my brother is handicapped and needs money to install ramps into his home so he can get back to a normal life, my sister needs money to get her dog an operation, and my father was injured on the job and now they're repossessing his house unless he comes up with $5000 by the end of the week.\"\r\n\r\nThe man over the phone stammers, \"I-I-I'm sorry sir. I had no idea that many people needed money from you.\"\r\n\r\nThe lawyers replies, \"Damn right! And if they can't get me to give them a dime, what makes you think you stand a chance??\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 1185,
"title": "Charity"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama's so fat the only thing stopping her from getting into Jenny Craig is the door!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1187,
"title": "Fat"
},
{
"body": "A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth, and in the end, there were two little baby boys.\r\n\r\nThe blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, \"All right, who's the other father?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1188,
"title": "Blond Dad"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nJoe\r\nJoe who?\r\nJo mama",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 1189,
"title": "Joe"
},
{
"body": "I would punch you but I couldn't make you any uglier.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1191,
"title": "I Would Punch You"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock\r\nWhose there?\r\nSays\r\nSays who?\r\nSays me",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 1192,
"title": "Says"
},
{
"body": "An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, \"Don't touch me!\" \r\n \r\n\"Why not?\" he asks. \r\nShe answers back, \"Because I'm dead.\" \r\n \r\nThe husband says, \"What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.\" \r\n \r\nShe says, \"No, I'm definitely dead.\" \r\nHe insists, \"You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?\" \r\n \r\n\"Because nothing hurts.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1193,
"title": "Nothing Hurts"
},
{
"body": "Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After hertalk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is. \r\n\r\n\"Billy,\" the lad replies. \r\n \r\n\"And what is your question, Billy?\" asks the Senator. \r\n \r\nI actually have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second -why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?\" \r\n \r\nJust then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. \r\n\r\nWhen they resume Hillary says, \"Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?\" \r\n \r\nA different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. \r\n\r\n\"Larry,\" replies the boy. \r\n \r\n\"And what is your question?\" she asks. \r\n \r\n\"I have five questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you tookwhen you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Billy????",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1194,
"title": "Hillary"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?\r\n \r\nA: Bunny farts!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1195,
"title": "Bunnies and Carrots"
},
{
"body": "Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.\r\nThe little girl was softly sobbing. \r\n\"Why are you crying?\" asked the little boy. \r\n\r\n\"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger,\" said the girl. \r\n\r\nWhen he heard this, the little boy started to cry. \r\n\r\n\"Why are you crying?\" asked the girl. \r\n\r\nThe boy looked at her worriedly and said, \"I'm here for a urine test.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1196,
"title": "Going to the Doctor"
},
{
"body": "What is Beethoven doing today?\r\n-Decomposing.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1199,
"title": "Beethoven"
},
{
"body": "An Ontario coupling were on vacation, driving around the province of Nova Scotia. At noon, they arrived at the town of Tatamagouche. The two began to bicker about the pronunication of the town's name. The husband suggested that they stop for lunch and ask.\r\n\r\nAt the restaurant, they placed their order. The wife asks, \"Excuse me, but could you slowly pronounce the name of this place?\"\r\n\r\nThe employee looks surprised, but complies.\r\n\r\n\"Bur ... ger ... King\"\r\n\r\n\r\n(BTW the town's name is pronounced Tat ah mah goosh)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1201,
"title": "Tatamagouche"
},
{
"body": "One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, \"Dear God, please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church....\" And, as she was running she tripped and fell. \r\n\r\nWhen she got back up she began praying again, Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1202,
"title": "Goin' to Church"
},
{
"body": "According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. \r\nThat was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. \r\n\r\nEvery night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. \r\n\r\nTo demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. \r\n\r\nThere are teachers, and then there are educators...",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1203,
"title": "Lipstick at School"
},
{
"body": "There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.\r\nThey would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel - they said, because it was bigger.\r\n\r\nOne day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, \"Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?\"\r\n\r\nSlowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, \"Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1204,
"title": "Nickel Johnny"
},
{
"body": "A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. \r\n\r\nThere was only one problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show, \"Look, it's not the same hat.\" \r\n\r\n\"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.\" \r\n\r\n\"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?\" \r\n\r\nThe magician was furious but couldn't do anything; after all, it WAS the captain's parrot. One stormy day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean... of course, the parrot was adrift on this same very piece of wood with him. \r\n\r\nThey stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... then another ... and then another. After almost three days the parrot finally says, \"OK, I give up. Where the heck is the boat?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1205,
"title": "Magicians Parrot"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, \"Attention, K-mart shoppers!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 1206,
"title": "Redneck Baby"
},
{
"body": "Boy: Will you punish me for something I\r\ndidn't do? \r\n\r\nTeacher: Of course not! \r\n\r\nBoy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1207,
"title": "No Punishment"
},
{
"body": "An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. \r\nAfter considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. \r\n\r\nSo she shot herself in the left kneecap.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1208,
"title": "Ending it All"
},
{
"body": "Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. \r\n\r\n\"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on,\" said the first surgeon. \"You open them up and everything inside is numbered.\" \r\n\r\n\"I think librarians are the easiest to operate on,\" said the second. \"You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.\" \r\n\r\n\"I like to operate on electricians,\" said the third. \"You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.\" \r\n\r\n\"I like to operate on lawyers,\" said the fourth. \"They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable.\" \r\n\r\n\"I like engineers,\" said the fifth. \"They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end...\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1209,
"title": "Five Surgeons"
},
{
"body": "Beckham went into training one day and saw Owen with a thermo-flask. He asked him what it was for and Owen said \"It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold\". \r\n\r\nThe next day Beckham came into training with a thrmo-flask. So Owen asked him what he had in it. He said \"well you said it kept hot things hot, and cold things cold so Posh told me to put in some coffee and enough choc-ices for the lads but when I looked into the thermo-flask, when I got here, the choc-ices had melted!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1210,
"title": "Beckham Joke"
},
{
"body": "A little boy was watching a handyman at work on the upper story of a house. Suddenly the man drops a hammer, and comes down the ladder to retrieve it.\r\n\r\nThe little boy calls out, \"My daddy would have two hammers so he wouldn't have to come the ladder when he dropped one.\"\r\n\r\nThe handyman says, \"Yeah, that's great, kid\", and climbs back up the ladder and returns to work. Within a few minutes, he drops his screwdriver, and comes back down the ladder.\r\n\r\nThe little boy calls out again, \"My daddy would have two screwdrivers so he wouldn't have to come down the ladder when he dropped one.\"\r\n\r\nThe handyman mutters something and returns up the ladder. A few minutes later, the man realizes he has to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately, he has no way into the house, so he climbs down the ladder and goes behind a bush. \r\n\r\nWhen he's finishing up, he notices that the little boy has followed him. \"I suppose your daddy has two of these too?\" he asked.\r\n\r\n\"Nope,\" says the little boy, \"but my daddy's is twice as big!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1211,
"title": "Take Two"
},
{
"body": "A man's car broke down in the middle of the Nullarbor plain (in other words : middle of nowhere). There was not another car in sight, so he started walking...\r\nThree hours later no cars had passed and he was getting very, very thirsty. Just then a man riding a kangaroo bounced up. \r\n\"Want to buy a tie?\" he asked.\r\n\"No! Water - quick, help, water.\"\r\n\"Sorry, I've only got ties.\" and the man and roo bounded off.\r\n\r\nHours later, the stranded man was still staggering along - desperate now for a drink. Another man (and another kangaroo) bounded up to him.\r\n\"Water, help I need water.\" gasped the stranded man.\r\n\"Oh, wouldn't you like to buy a tie?\" said the mounted man.\r\n\"No! Water - quick, help water!\"\r\n\"Sorry mate, I can do you with a nice polka dot or a paisley or even a hand painted lady - but can't help with water.\" and off he went.\r\n\r\nThe man was crawling now, inch by inch he clambered over the baked desert soil. Then he noticed a shimmering in the distance. It looked like a big building. He crawled slowly towards it even though he was sure it was a mirage. But the building became more and more solid looking. Could it be? Yes, it was a giant R.S.L. club there in the middle of nowhere. The man spent his last effort and crawled desperately to the door where he gasped to the doorman, \"Let me in, I need water!\"\r\nSorry mate,\" said the doorman, \"I can't let you in without a tie.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1212,
"title": "Gotta Tie?"
},
{
"body": "A man speaks frantically into the phone, \"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!\"\r\n\"Is this her first child?\" the doctor queries.\r\n\"No, you idiot!\" the man shouts. \"This is her husband!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1214,
"title": "You Idiot!"
},
{
"body": "One day when Jimmy was at school, the teacher told him that for his homework he had to write out the first three letters of the alphabet.\r\n\r\nWhen he went home he was struggling so decided to ask his mum. His mum was in the kitchen cutting the salad when he asked her \"Mum, what is the first letter of the alphabet?\"\r\nJust as he had finished asking this question his mum sliced her finger open and shouted \"SHIT!!!\"\r\nJimmy wrote this down and went outside to see his older brother.\r\n\r\nHe asked him \"big brother, whet is the second letter of the alphabet?\"\r\nHis brother was crouched on the floor talking to a drugged up teenager and jimmy heard him say \"only if you give me some heroin!\"\r\n\r\nJimmy wrote this down and went into the living room and saw his little sister watching superman.\r\n\"Sister, what is the third letter of the alphabet?\"\r\nHis sisters eyes were fixed on the the TV and she ignored Jimmy. \"Superman!!!\" she shouted out in excitment.\r\n\r\nThe next day when Jimmy went into school the teacher asked him if he had done his homework.\r\nJimmy then shouted out \"SHIT!!!\" (the first letter of the alphabet.)\r\n\r\nHis teacher was very angry and shouted \"right young man, you're going to the head teacher!\"\r\nand Jimmy replied by saying \"only if you give me some heroin!\" The teacher's face went red with anger and dragged Jimmy to the head teacher's office by his ear. When Jimmy and the teacher were in the head teacher's office the headteacher asked, \"who do you think you, are young man?\"\r\n\r\nSo Jimmy shouted \"SUPERMAN!!!!!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1216,
"title": "Alphabet For Homework"
},
{
"body": "There was a pregnant women. On the way to the hospital, she got into a wreck. When she woke up her babies were already born. She asked the docter if she could see her babies. He said yes, and don't worry your brother named them. The pregnant woman freaked out and said her brother was an idiot. The doctor said the girl's name is Denice. The pregnant women said, \"Maybe my brother is not such an idiot.\" Then the docter said that the boy's name is \"da nephew\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1219,
"title": "The Pregnant Women"
},
{
"body": "A girl and her best friend were at a cafe. The girl said her boyfriend finally told her about marriage. Her best friend asked her what he said. \"He is married and has 3 kids,\" she replied.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1220,
"title": "Marriage"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat she has more chins than a chinese phone book!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1222,
"title": "Chins"
},
{
"body": "1. Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met. \r\n\r\n2. Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today. \r\n\r\n3. Ask people if they have seen your pet shark. \r\n\r\n4. Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys. \r\n\r\n5. Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim. \r\n\r\n6. Hit strangers with your flutter board. \r\n\r\n7. Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you. \r\n\r\n8. Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....'' \r\n\r\n9. Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move. \r\n\r\n10. Swim near a stranger and say, ''Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.'' \r\n\r\n11. Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool. \r\n\r\n12. Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!'' \r\n\r\n13. Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board. \r\n\r\n14. Laugh at fat people in swimsuits. \r\n\r\n15. Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool. \r\n\r\n16. Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed. \r\n\r\n17. Try to negotiate the price of getting in. \r\n\r\n18. Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off. \r\n\r\n19. When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount. \r\n\r\n20. Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ''Wheee! I'm Batman!'' while running around. \r\n\r\n21. Hit strangers with your wet towel. \r\n\r\n22. Throw people's things into the pool. \r\n\r\n23. Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale. \r\n\r\n24. Play Marco-Polo by yourself. \r\n\r\n25. Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1225,
"title": "25 Ways to Have Fun at a Swimming Pool"
},
{
"body": "\"COMPETITIVE SALARY\" \r\nWe remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.\r\n\r\n\"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY\" \r\nWe have no time to train you.\r\n\r\n\"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE\" \r\nWe don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.\r\n\r\n\"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED\" \r\nYou'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.\r\n\r\n\"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED\" \r\nSome time each night and some time each weekend.\r\n\r\n\"DUTIES WILL VARY\" \r\nAnyone in the office can boss you around. \r\n\r\n\"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL\" \r\nWe have no quality control.\r\n\r\n\"CAREER-MINDED\" \r\nFemale Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).\r\n\r\n\"APPLY IN PERSON\" \r\nIf you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.\r\n\r\n\"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE\" \r\nWe've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.\r\n\r\n\"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE\" \r\nYou'll need it to replace three people who just left.\r\n\r\n\"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST\" \r\nYou're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.\r\n\r\n\"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS\" \r\nYou'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.\r\n\r\n\"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS\" \r\nManagement communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1226,
"title": "The Human Resources Dictionary"
},
{
"body": "A man and his wife are in bed getting hot and heavy when the wife just pushes him away and says, \"No, actually I don't feel like sex tonight. Could you just hold me?\"\r\n\r\nThe man very mad says, \"What?! Why the hell can't we have sex??\"\r\n\r\nThe woman replies, \"This is so typical, you have no idea what it's like to be a women! You just don't understand me!\" And she turns over and goes to sleep.\r\n\r\nThe next day the man tells his wife he is so sorry and to make up for his mistakes they are going to the mall.\r\nSo the man takes her to the clothing department of a very expensive store and has her try on outfits. She can't decide which one she likes, so the man tells her to take them all. She jumps up and down and hugs him. Then they go over to the jewelry department, The woman sees a nice pair of diamond earrings but the husband says the price isn't right. It's too low, so he gives her a tennis bracelet worth twice the amount of the earrings.\r\nThinking she's had enough of shopping the man goes to the till.\r\n\r\nThe man goes up to the cashier and gives her all the items, and says, \"We've changed our minds. Could you put these back for us?\"\r\n\r\nThe woman has a stunned look on her face and asks her husband what the hell he's talking about.\r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"You thought I was gonna buy all this?? That's so typical, you don't know what it's like to have to work for money that you spend. I just wanted you to HOLD them for awhile.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1227,
"title": "Holding"
},
{
"body": "If two's a company and three's a crowd... what's four and five? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nNINE!!!!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1228,
"title": "Numbers"
},
{
"body": "Quickly read through the following text and count the number of F's in it.\r\n\r\nFINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS \r\n\r\nManaged it?\r\n\r\nScroll down only after you have counted them!\r\n> \r\n>> \r\n>>> \r\n>>>> \r\n>>>>> \r\n>>>>>> \r\n>>>>>>> \r\n>>>>>>>> \r\n>>>>>>>>> \r\n>>>>>>>>>> \r\n>>>>>>>>>>> \r\n>>>>>>>>>>>> \r\n>>>>>>>>>>> \r\n>>>>>>>>>> \r\n>>>>>>>>> \r\n>>>>>>>> \r\n>>>>>>> \r\n>>>>>> \r\n>>>>> \r\n>>>> \r\n>>> \r\n>> \r\n> \r\nOK?\r\n\r\nHow many?\r\n\r\nThree?\r\n\r\nWrong, there are six - no joke! Read again!\r\n\r\nFINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS \r\n\r\nThe reasoning is that the brain cannot process the word \"OF\".\r\n\r\nIncredible or what?\r\n\r\nAnyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius. Three is normal.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1229,
"title": "FFFFFFFF'S!!!"
},
{
"body": "Ghost Stories by I.C. Spooks\r\n\r\nRocket to the sun by R.U.Nuts\r\n\r\nYour Book of Glamour by Q.T Pie\r\n\r\nThe Camel Ride by Major Bum - issore\r\n\r\nHow to Grow Shorter by Neil Down\r\n\r\nHow to Grow Taller by Stan Dup",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1231,
"title": "Batty Books"
},
{
"body": "Crime and Punishment by Laura Norda\r\n\r\nThe Use of Natural Fertilizers; by G.G. Dunnit\r\n\r\nThe Way to Quick Riches; by Robbin Banks\r\n\r\nHolidays in Britain; by A. Pauline Whetha\r\n\r\nContagious Diseases; by Willie Catchit\r\n\r\nDriving Through Germany; by Otto Mobile\r\n\r\nBroken Window; by Eva Brick\r\n\r\nMonsters; by Frank N. Stein\r\n\r\nCliff Tragedy; by Eileen Dover\r\n\r\nEven More to come, i promise!!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1232,
"title": "Batty Books 2!"
},
{
"body": "A Hole in the Bucket by Lee King\r\n\r\nLong Walk by Miss. D. Bus\r\n\r\nThe Playground by C. Saw\r\n\r\nFitting Carpets by Walter Wall\r\n\r\nAround the World by Sir Cumfrence\r\n\r\nFlexibility by Ben Dover\r\n\r\nBladder Controld by Idon P. Freely",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1233,
"title": "Batty Books ... final one!!! :<"
},
{
"body": "Three men are outside a pub when one said, \"I dare you to go in and ask for a free glass of milk!\"\r\nOne of the other men went in the pub and said, \"Can I have a free glass of milk?\"\r\n\"Only if you pick the scabs of my daughter's fanny!\"\r\nreplied the barmaid.\r\n\"Screw that!\"\r\nThe other man walked in and said, \"Can I have a free glass of milk?\"\r\n\"Only if you pick the scabs off my daughter's fanny!\"\r\nreplied the barmaid.\r\n\"Screw that!\"\r\nWhen the two men went back outside they told the third one that they could only get a free glass of milk if they picked the scabs off the barmaid's daughter's fanny.\r\nThe third man said, \"I wouldn't mind doing that.\"\r\nThe third man went in and said I will pick the scabs off your daughter's fanny if you give me a free glass of milk.\"\r\n\"Ok,\" agreed the barmaid.\r\nHe went upstairs and picked the scabs of her daughter's fanny and put them in a crisp packet and sealed it up for freshness, then chucked it out the window.\r\nHe went outside to meet the others and told them that he got a free glass of milk.\r\nThe others said, \"So...we got a free packet of crisps that flew from the sky!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1234,
"title": "Scabs"
},
{
"body": "A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. \r\n\"It's a period,'' said the little boy. \r\n\"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?'' \r\n\" I don't know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1235,
"title": "Missing!"
},
{
"body": "It was a dark and stormy night in the small Newfoundland village when Jarge's wife suddenly went into labor. The doctor came to the house and realized there was no time to get to the hospital in the city, the baby was coming now!\r\n\r\nJust then the power went out. Jarge brought out the kerosene lantern and held it for the doctor.\r\n\r\nWithin minutes, Jarge's son was born. The elated parents were surprised when the doctor declared that another baby was coming. Soon, another baby had come into the world. And then a third. Jarge, somewhat in shock at the sudden prospect of supporting such a large family, started to back away. But wait, the doctor soon realized the end was not in sight. \"Bring the light closer, Jarge, I think there's another one!\"\r\n\r\n\"No way,\" cried Jarge, fleeing from the room. \"It's the light that's attracting them!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1236,
"title": "Power Outage"
},
{
"body": "My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -\r\n\"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me RELIGION -\r\n\"You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -\r\n\"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me LOGIC -\r\n\"Because I said so, that's why.\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me more LOGIC -\r\n\"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me FORESIGHT -\r\n\"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me IRONY -\r\n\"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -\r\n\"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -\r\n\"Will you \"look\" at the dirt on the back of your neck!\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me about STAMINA -\r\n\"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished.\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me about WEATHER -\r\n\"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -\r\n\"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -\r\n\"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -\r\n\"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -\r\n\"Stop acting like your father!\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me about ENVY -\r\n\"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -\r\n\"Just wait until we get home.\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me about RECEIVING -\r\n\"You are going to get it when we get home!\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -\r\n\"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -\r\n\"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job.\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me ESP -\r\n\"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me HUMOR -\r\n\"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -\r\n\"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me about GENETICS -\r\n\"You're just like your father.\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me about my ROOTS -\r\n\"Do you think you were born in a barn?\"\r\n\r\nMy mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -\r\n\"When you get to be my age, you will understand.\"\r\n\r\nAnd my all time favorite... JUSTICE -\r\n\"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1237,
"title": "Things My Mother taught Me"
},
{
"body": "One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work. \r\nWay up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?'' \r\n\r\n''No, I guess not,'' says God. \r\n\r\nThe priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one. \r\n\r\nSaint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?'' \r\n\r\nTo this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1238,
"title": "Priestly Duties"
},
{
"body": "1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.\r\n\r\n2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.\r\n\r\n3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. \"That's a good point, Sparky.\" \"No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie.\"\r\n\r\n4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: \"If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.\"\r\n\r\n5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.\r\n\r\n6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.\r\n\r\n7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.\r\n\r\n8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.\r\n\r\n9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.\r\n\r\n10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. \r\n\r\n11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.\r\n\r\n12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it \"IN\". \r\n\r\n13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.\r\n\r\n14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, \"Oh you've got to be faster than that.\"\r\n\r\n15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1239,
"title": "How to Annoy Your Co-Workers"
},
{
"body": "An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. \r\n\r\nHe crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table.\r\nHe finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, \"DON'T TOUCH THOSE-they're for the funeral!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1240,
"title": "Chocolate Chip Cookies"
},
{
"body": "One day an elderly couple was out for an afternoon drive and had to \r\nstop for gas.\r\n\r\nAttendant: \" Would you like me to check the oil?\"\r\nWife: \"What did he say?\"\r\nHusband: \"He wants to know if I want the oil checked.\"\r\n\r\nAttendant: \"Would you like me to top up the washer fluid?\"\r\nWife: \"What did he say?\"\r\nHusband: \"He wants to know if I want the fluids topped up.\"\r\n\r\nWhen the attendant heard them talking, he asked, \"By the way,\r\nwhere are you from?\"\r\nThe husband replied, \"We are from Nova Scotia.\"\r\n\"Ah,\" said the attendant. \"Years ago I was in Nova Scotia and\r\nhad the worst love affair ever.\"\r\nThe wife said, \"What did he say?\"\r\nHusband: \"He thinks he knows you!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1241,
"title": "The Afternoon Drive"
},
{
"body": "One day this woman got to thinking about how her and her husband's sex life. She realized they basically didn't have one, so she decided to go to the doctor and get him some pills. \r\n \r\nThe next day she went and the doctor told her to put 1 pill in her husbands coffee every morning. \r\n So, the woman went home and the next morning she did exactly what the doctor perscribed. The woman thought that since the pills worked so well she would put more and more pills in his coffee.\r\n \r\nAs the week passed the doctor decided to call. When the doctor called their daughter answered and when the doctor asked how things were going she \r\nreplied,\"Well, my mom's dead, I'm pregnant, my brothers raw and dad is in the backyard saying,\"here kitty kitty.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1242,
"title": "The Pills"
},
{
"body": "A blonde and brunette jump off a cliff at the same time. Why did the brunette hit the floor before the blonde?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThe blonde asked for directions!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1243,
"title": "Blonde and Brunette"
},
{
"body": "A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.\r\n \r\nWhen his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. \"She slept with nearly every man on the ship,\" his wife reported.\r\n \r\nThe disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.\r\n \r\n\"She was a real lady,\" his mistress said.\r\n \r\n\"How so?\" the encouraged man asked.\r\n \r\n\"She came on board with her husband and never left his side.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1244,
"title": "Vacationing Wife and Mistress"
},
{
"body": "An oil company was drilling test pits on the West coast of Newfoundland and never found anything so instead of filling the hole up they got a clever idea to cover the hole with an outhouse. \r\nSo a week after, a Newfoundlander came across it in the woods and decided to use it. The next day another fella came and found him dead on the toilet.\r\nThe police open an investigation to try and find out what happened to him. They asked his wife if there was anything wrong with him or if he was acting strange that day. His wife replied, \" My husband was in perfect shape, the only thing strange about him is that he holds his breath until he hears a splash.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1246,
"title": "The Downside of Nfld Oil Exploration"
},
{
"body": "A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. \r\nOn a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!\r\n\r\n The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, \"And how much money do you make a week?\" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, \"I make $200.00 a week.\"\r\n\r\n The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, \"Here's a week's pay,now GET OUT!\"\r\n\r\n Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks \" Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?\"\r\n\r\n\r\n With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, \" Pizza delivery guy\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1247,
"title": "Management"
},
{
"body": "I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I\r\nshouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.\r\n\r\nI can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?\r\n\r\nWhen I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.\r\n\r\nI am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the pharmacy.\r\n\r\nI've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead\r\n\r\nThe voices told me to clean all the guns today.\r\n\r\nThe dog ate my car keys, so now I have to hitchhike to the vet.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1248,
"title": "Bad Excuses for Missing Work"
},
{
"body": "The following are quotes made by real police officers:\r\n\r\n\"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.\"\r\n\r\n\"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while.\" \r\n\r\n\"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?\" \r\n\r\n\"No, sir, we don't have quotas any more. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.\" \r\n\r\n\"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.\" \r\n\r\n\"Life's tough; it's tougher if you're stupid.\" \r\n\r\n\"In God we trust, all others are suspects.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1250,
"title": "Actual Police Quotes"
},
{
"body": "1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which. \r\n\r\n2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone new every five minutes. \r\n\r\n3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would. \r\n\r\n4) Act like a hillbilly. Period. \r\n\r\n5) Improvise Italian operas. \r\n\r\n6) Gossip about someone to their face. \r\n\r\n7) Answer every question with a question. \r\n\r\n8) Repeat yourself constantly. \r\n\r\n9) Act like a member of the opposite sex. \r\n\r\n10) Repeat yourself constantly. \r\n\r\n11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons. \r\n\r\n12) Repeat yourself constantly. \r\n\r\n13) Change what you repeat every now and then. \r\n\r\n14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks. \r\n\r\n15) Change what you repeat every now and then. \r\n\r\n16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else. \r\n\r\n17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries. \r\n\r\n18) Change what you repeat every now and then. \r\n\r\n19) One word: Caffeine. \r\n\r\n20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar. \r\n\r\n21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomakeoutwhatyou'resaying. \r\n\r\n22) Using non-existent words like George Bush would. \r\n\r\n23) Change what you repeat again. \r\n\r\n24) Speak in rapid Spanish. \r\n\r\n25) Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space. \r\n\r\n26) When doing number 25, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally. \r\n\r\n27) Change what you repeat again. \r\n\r\n28) You are better than everybody else. Let them know so. \r\n\r\n29) Rudely correct everybody's grammar. \r\n\r\n30) Don't proper grammar use while you are correcting them. \r\n\r\n31) Pretend to be drunk. \r\n\r\n32) Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator. \r\n\r\n33) Change what you repeat again. \r\n\r\n34) Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and don't answer to anything else. \r\n\r\n35) Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys. \r\n\r\n36) Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth. \r\n\r\n37) Change what you repeat again. \r\n\r\n38) For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak. \r\n\r\n39) Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable. \r\n\r\n40) Pretend to be high. \r\n\r\n41) Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. \r\n\r\n42) Change what you repeat again. \r\n\r\n43) You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that. \r\n\r\n44) Speak in Gaelic. \r\n\r\n45) Blink rapidly and constantly. \r\n\r\n46) Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where. \r\n\r\n47) Strut. \r\n\r\n48) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it. \r\n\r\n49) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it. \r\n\r\n50) Become \"The Masked Wedgie Giver.\" \r\n\r\n51) Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it \"Check list for Today.\" Don't let anybody forget that you have it on.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1251,
"title": "51 Ways To Annoy Everyone"
},
{
"body": "At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.\r\n\r\nAuthorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1252,
"title": "Terrorist Alert"
},
{
"body": "A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. \r\nThe doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?'' \r\n\r\nAnd the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.'' \r\n\r\nWell, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.\r\n\r\nHe called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?'' \r\n\r\nAnd she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1255,
"title": "An Amazing Connection with God"
},
{
"body": "A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. \r\n\"What are you going to do with the prize money?\" the officer asked. \r\n\r\nThe man responded, \"I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.\" \r\n\r\nAt that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, \"Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk.\" \r\n\r\nThis woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, \"I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car.\" \r\n\r\nAt that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, \"Are we over the border yet?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1256,
"title": "Bad car Day"
},
{
"body": "Prelim explanation:\r\n\r\nIt was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. \r\n \r\nAs a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.\r\n\r\nHe said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. \r\n \r\nAfter just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, \"F--- you!\".Then he turned to his bride and said, \"F--- you!\" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, \"I'm outta here.\" \r\n\r\nHe had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. \r\n \r\nHis revenge...making the bride's parents pay over$32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. Do you think we might get a MasterCard \"priceless\" commercial out of this?\r\n-----------------------------------------------------------\r\nFinally the funny part: \r\n\r\nElegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends...$32,000. \r\nWedding photographs commemorating the occasion...$3,000. \r\nDeluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui...$8,500. \r\nThe look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man...Priceless. \r\n \r\nThere are some things money can't buy; for everything else there's MASTERCARD!!!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1257,
"title": "Priceless"
},
{
"body": "A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.\r\nAs she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.\r\n\r\nThe girl replied, \"I'm drawing God.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher paused and said, \"But no one knows what God looks like.\r\n\r\nWithout missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, \"They will in a minute.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1258,
"title": "In a Minute"
},
{
"body": "The following are messages written by children to God,\r\n\r\nDear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma\r\n\r\nDear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane\r\n\r\nDear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan\r\n\r\nDear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil\r\n\r\nDear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane\r\n\r\nDear God, Did you really mean \"do unto others as they do unto you\"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!\r\n-Darla\r\n\r\nDear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce\r\n\r\nDear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am)\r\n\r\nDear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.\r\n\r\nDear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce\r\n\r\nDear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny\r\n\r\nDear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry\r\n\r\nDear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -Sam\r\n\r\nDear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions.\r\n-Ruth M.\r\n\r\nDear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan\r\n\r\nDear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.\r\n\r\nDear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris\r\n\r\nDear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna\r\n\r\n-Unknown email sent me it",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1259,
"title": "Messages to God"
},
{
"body": "A man is walking down the docks when he sees a quadriplegic woman crying in a corner. Trying to be a nice guy he walks up and asks her what's wrong.\r\n\r\n\"I've never been hugged.\" replies the woman. The man figures it would be a nice thing to do, so he picks her up and hugs her. She smiles. Then her face drops and she starts crying again.\r\n\r\n\"What's the matter now?\" asks the man. \"I've never been kissed,\" says the woman. The man leans down and kisses the woman on the lips for a brief moment. The woman smiles for a bit, then starts sobbing again.\r\n\r\nThe man, a bit annoyed, asks her again what's wrong. The woman replies, \"Because I don't have arms and legs I've never been screwed.\"\r\n\r\nThe man picks up the woman and carries her down the dock, then tosses her off the side of the dock into the water.\r\n\r\nThe man yells at the woman, \"NOW YOU'RE SCREWED!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1260,
"title": "The Quadriplegic"
},
{
"body": "SHAPING UP FOR A GOOD EXCUSE \r\nA police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, \"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube.\" \r\nThe man says, \"Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack.\" \r\n\"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.\" \r\n\"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.\" \r\n\"Well, then, we need a urine sample.\"\r\n\"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar.\"\r\n\"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.\" \r\n\"I can't do that, officer.\"\r\n\"Why not?\" \r\n\"Because I'm drunk.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1261,
"title": "Shaping Up For A Good Excuse"
},
{
"body": "A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. \r\n\r\n\"Is there a problem Officer?\" \r\n\r\nThe policeman says, \"Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?\" \r\n\r\nThe driver responds, \"I'd give it to you but I don't have one.\" \r\n\r\n\"You don't have one?\" \r\n\r\nThe man responds, \"I lost it four times for drunk driving.\" \r\n\r\nThe policeman is shocked. \"I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry, I can't do that.\" \r\n\r\nThe policeman says, \"Why not?\" \r\n\r\n\"I stole this car.\" \r\n\r\nThe officer says, \"Stole it?\" \r\n\r\nThe man says, \"Yes, and I killed the owner.\" \r\n\r\nAt this point the officer is getting worried. \"You what!?\" \r\n\r\n\"She's in the trunk if you want to see.\" \r\n\r\nThe Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. \r\n\r\nThe senior officer says \"Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!\" \r\n\r\nThe man steps out of his vehicle. \"Is there a problem sir?\" \r\n\r\n\"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.\" \r\n\r\n\"Murdered the owner?\" \r\n\r\nThe officer responds, \"Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?\" \r\n\r\nThe man opens the trunk, revealing nothing. \r\n\r\nThe officer says, \"Is this your car sir?\" \r\n\r\nThe man says \"Yes,\" and hands over the registration papers. \r\n\r\nThe officer, understandably, is quite stunned. \"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.\" \r\n\r\nThe man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. \"Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.\" \r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"I bet you the liar told you I was speeding, too!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1262,
"title": "Speeding Ticket"
},
{
"body": "A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. \r\n\r\n\"Impossible,\" says the doctor. \"Show me.\" \r\n\r\nShe takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream. \r\n\r\nThe doctor says, \"You're not really a brunette, are you?\" \r\n\r\nShe says, \"No, I'm really a blonde.\" \r\n\r\n\"I thought so,\" he says. \"Your finger is broken.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1263,
"title": "True Blonde"
},
{
"body": "3 men were sitting in a plane. They were talking about peace when the subject of weapons came up. They decided to never use weapons again to hurt anyone else.\r\nThe first man pulled out a heavy rock from under his seat and said, \"I used to throw rocks like this at people I disliked. Now I know better,\" and with that he yanked open the emergency exit and tossed out the rock.\r\nThe second man pulled out a knife and decided he didn't want to harm anyone either, so he tossed it out the open door.\r\nThe third man gets up and opens the storage compartment and takes out a bomb. \"Well, I always carry one of these around, I always wondered what it would be like to set it off. Now I know better,\" and he tosses it out the window.\r\n\r\nThe plane lands and the 3 men have to drive back in a rented car to their hotel.\r\nOn the way back they notice a small child sobbing on the street. They ask her what's wrong and she replies, \"I was walking home and I saw this rock come falling from the sky and kill a poor rabbit who was nibbling a carrot.\"\r\nThe first man looks ashamed but says nothing. The 3 men drive away.\r\n\r\nThen a few minutes later they come across an old man sobbing hysterically. They ask him what's wrong.\r\nHe replies, \"My wife of 50 years and I were sitting on a bench feeding the ducks at the pond, when a knife fell out of the sky and killed her!\"\r\nThe second man looks shocked but says nothing. The 3 men drive away again.\r\n\r\nA few more minutes later they come across a red-faced man rolling around on the ground laughing and clutching his sides. They go up to him and ask, \"Why are you laughing? What happened?\"\r\nThe man calms himself down and replies, \"I was sitting outside of my house on my porch, when I farted and my whole house blew up!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1264,
"title": "Throwing Em Out"
},
{
"body": "A man is flying on a very expensive airline in first class when the sudden urge to relieve himself overwhelms him.\r\nHe runs to the bathroom to find its occupied. He bangs and bangs on the door but no one comes out. The flight attendant notices the man is in distress so she tries to help him. She takes him to a bathroom exclusively for the supermodels who frequently fly on this airline. She lets him use it very quickly but warns him to not, under any circumstance, press any of the 3 buttons next to the toilet.\r\n\r\nThe man gets into the bathroom and automatically sees the buttons. They're labeled WW, WA, and ATR.\r\nThe man sits down on the toilet and immediately relieves himself. While sitting down he cant help but wonder about the buttons. He pushes the first one slowly, and all of a sudden warm water comes at his butt and washes it thoroughly. He thinks that the supermodels must really have it made.\r\nHe then pushes the second button. He hears a slight hissing noise then feels warm air gently drying his butt. Wowee, this is the life. Supermodels sure are lucky thinks the man.\r\nThen he decides what the hell, might as well try the last button.\r\n\r\nThe next thing the man knows he is lying in the hospital in extreme pain. The flight attendant is leaning over the man telling him to relax.\r\n\"What happened?\" asks the man.\r\nThe flight attendant turns around and picks up a jar filled with water with a carrot or something floating in it. Then says, \"I told you not to push that button. ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Remover.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1265,
"title": "The Washrooms"
},
{
"body": "A blonde walks into a hospital in slight discomfort.\r\n\r\n\"Can I have a hot towel to put on my nose, please?\"\r\n\r\nThe nurse was curious and asked, \"Why would you like a hot towel to put on your nose?\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde replies, \"Well, I wanted to sniff some coke to see what the big deal was, and I got an ice cube stuck up my nose.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1267,
"title": "Sniffing Coke"
},
{
"body": "A man is walking down the beach when he comes upon a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie pops out.\r\nThe man immediately demands his three wishes.\r\nThe genie first warns the man that whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law will get double. Figuring it wasnt all that bad the man thinks about his wishes.\r\n\r\nFirst he wishes for a billion dollars. *Poof* A huge stack of money appears in front of the man. But his mother-in-law just got 2 billion dollars.\r\n\r\nSecond he wishes for a huge 50 room mansion with full staff to run it. *Poof* A huge mansion appears where his old house to be. (And parts of his neighbors houses too.) But his mother-in-law just recieve a 100 room house built on a beachfront property with double the staff to tend to the home.\r\n\r\nGetting jealous of how his mother-in-law will brag about her riches and make his wishes look small he tries to think of a way to come out on top.\r\nFinally the man says to the genie, \"See that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1268,
"title": "The Genie"
},
{
"body": "A blonde walks into a casino and goes up to the craps table. She tells the dealers she wants to bet $10 000 on a single roll of the dice. The dealers figure that since shes a blonde, she must not know what shes doing, so they allow her to place the bet.\r\nThen the blonde starts to strip. The dealers ask her what shes doing and she replies, \"I'm luckier when I'm naked. Hope ya don't mind.\"\r\n\r\nSo she rolls the dice and jumps up and down screaming, \"I WON! I WON! YAY!\"\r\nShe hugs the dealers and picks up her chips and clothes and jumps excitedly away.\r\n\r\nWhile enjoying the view of the blonde jumping away, the second dealer leans over and whispers to the first dealer, \"What'd she roll?\"\r\nThe first dealer says, \"What? I wasn't checking, I thought you were checking.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1269,
"title": "Another Smart Blonde"
},
{
"body": "A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her \"mother of six\" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.\r\nA few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. \"Mother of six,\" he would say, \"get me a beer!\" \"Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?\" This situation persisted to boiling point. \r\nFinally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, \"Hey, mother of six, I think it's time to go!\"\r\nThe wife seized the moment and shouted back, \"I'll be right with you - father of four!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1271,
"title": "The Proud father"
},
{
"body": "A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. \r\n\r\nIn a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.\r\n\r\nThe wife cried, \"What are we going to do?\"\r\n\r\n\"Nothing,\" said the hunter husband. \"The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1272,
"title": "A Big Game Hunter"
},
{
"body": "Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again. \r\n\r\nHOW TO SATISFY A MAN:\r\nShow up naked with food.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1273,
"title": "Satisfaction-How to satisfy a Woman"
},
{
"body": "One evening, a little boy and his family were having supper at his grandma's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.\r\nWhen he received his plate, the little guy began eating right away.\r\n\"Wait until we a say a prayer,\" his mother admonished.\r\n\" I don't have to,\" he replied.\r\n\"Of course you do,\" his mother insisted. \"We always say a prayer before eating at home.\"\r\n\"That's at home,\" he explained. \"This is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1274,
"title": "Always say a prayer"
},
{
"body": "The beautiful, vain blonde was visiting Las Vegas for the first time. She approached the roulette wheel, but it looked very confusing.\r\n\r\n\"How should I bet?\" she asked the man standing beside her.\r\n\r\n\"Try betting your age,\" he suggested.\r\n\r\nSo the blonde put $500 on the number 32. The ball landed on 36, and the blonde promptly fainted.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1275,
"title": "Roulette"
},
{
"body": "As an architect watched a mechanic remove engine parts from his car, a surgeon, waiting for his own car to be repaired, walked over. They introduced themselves, and began talking about their lines of work.\r\n\"You know,\" said the architect, \"I sometimes believe a mechanic's work is as complicated as the work that we do.\"\r\n\"Perhaps,\" the surgeon commented. \"But let's see him do it with the engine running.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1276,
"title": "Complicated Work"
},
{
"body": "There was a farmer who was very protective of his daughters. Before every date, he would meet the young man at the porch with his shotgun, and if he didn't measure up, he'd make sure they left.\r\n\r\nOne day all three of his daughters were going out on the same night. The first young man drove up and approached the porch.\r\n\r\n\"Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?\" The farmer liked this guy, and let him leave with his daughter.\r\n\r\nShortly, the next guy drove up and approached the porch. \"Hi, my name is Freddy, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?\" The farmer liked this guy too, and let him leave with his second daughter.\r\n\r\nSoon the third guy drove up and approached the porch.\r\n\"Hi, my name is Chuck...\" and the farmer shot him.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1277,
"title": "My Name Is..."
},
{
"body": "The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.\r\n\r\nIf at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.\r\n\r\nThe more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.\r\n\r\nKeep your boss's boss off your boss's back.\r\n\r\nIf you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.\r\n\r\nA pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.\r\n\r\nDon't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.\r\n\r\nIt doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.\r\n\r\nAfter any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.\r\n\r\nYou can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.\r\n\r\nEat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.\r\n\r\nWhen the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.\r\n\r\nThere will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.\r\n\r\nEverything can be filed under \"Miscellaneous.\"\r\n\r\nNever delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.\r\n\r\nTo err is human, to forgive is not our policy.\r\n\r\nAnyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.\r\n\r\nImportant letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.\r\n\r\nIf you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.\r\n\r\nYou are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.\r\n\r\nPeople who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.\r\n\r\nIf it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.\r\n\r\nAt work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.\r\n\r\nWhen you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.\r\n\r\nFollowing the rules will not get the job done.\r\n\r\nGetting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.\r\n\r\nWhen confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, \"How would the Lone Ranger handle this?\"\r\n\r\nNo matter how much you do, you never do enough.\r\n\r\nThe last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1278,
"title": "The Facts of Work"
},
{
"body": "One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. \r\n''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.\" Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: \"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.\" \r\n\r\nLater that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: \r\n\r\n\"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1279,
"title": "The Medical Machine"
},
{
"body": "A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. \r\n\"What's up?\" he asks. \r\n\r\n\"I'm having a heart attack!\" cries the woman. \r\n\r\nHe rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, \"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!\" \r\n\r\nThe guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. \r\n\r\n''You bastard,\" says the husband. \"My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1281,
"title": "Heart Attack"
},
{
"body": "A man took a walk along a railroad track. Not paying attention, he got his foot stuck in a gap in the rails. Just then the whistle of the 10 a.m. train sounded in in the distance.\r\n\r\nHe tried frantically to free himself, but to no avail. Looking up he prayed, \"God, please get me free!\" The Whistle sounded, again he pulled, no movement. \"God! If you get my foot out I will stop smoking.\" The whistle sounded closer. Still pulling, he only seemed to get more stuck. \"God! If you get my foot out I will stop smoking and drinking.\" Looking up he could now see the train engineer in the window of the engine. His foot still would not move. \"God!!! If you get my foot out I will stop, smoking drinking and give my money to the poor!\"\r\n\r\nAt that moment his foot slipped from its grasp in the rail and he rolled clear of the train's wheels............. \"Never mind God I took care of it myself.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1282,
"title": "If you ...."
},
{
"body": "After a party, one man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.\r\n\r\n\"What are you doing out here at 2 o'clock in the morning?\" the officer asked.\r\n\r\n\"I'm going to a lecture,\" the man said.\r\n\r\n\"And who would be giving this lecture at this hour?\" the cop asked.\r\n\r\n\"My wife,\" the guy replied.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1283,
"title": "A Lecture"
},
{
"body": "A groom and his bride are standing at the alter when the woman looks at her prospective husband\r\nand sees he has a set of golf clubs.\r\n\"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?\" she whispers.\r\n\"Well,\" he replies, \"this won't take all afternoon, will it?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1284,
"title": "All Afternoon?"
},
{
"body": "A little old lady answered her door only to be confronted by a young vacuum cleaner salesman.\r\n\"Good morning,\" said the young man. \"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.\"\r\n\"Go away!\" said the old lady. \"I haven't got any money,\" and she proceeded to close the door.\r\nQuick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door. \"Don't be too hasty,\" he said, \"not until you've seen my demonstration.\"\r\nWith that he emptied a bucket of dirt onto her hallway carpet. \"If this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this dirt from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.\"\r\n\"Well,\" she said, \"I hope you're hungry, because the electricity was cut off this morning.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1285,
"title": "The Vacuum Cleaner Salesman."
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybutton?\r\n\r\nA: Because her boyfriend was blond too!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1286,
"title": "Owies!!"
},
{
"body": "An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a fat man are all going skydiving. When they get to jump the Englishman shouts, \"God save England!\"\r\nThe Scotsman shouts, \"God save Scotland!\"\r\nThe Irishman shouts, \"God save Ireland!\"\r\nThen the fat man jumps and shouts, \"God save whoever I land on!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1287,
"title": "Fat Man"
},
{
"body": "A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, \"I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation.\" The angel says, \"We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?\" The preacher says, \"Once in a while someone fell asleep.\" The angel says, \"Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1288,
"title": "The Cab Driver"
},
{
"body": "What's another name for a push-up bra? \r\nFalse advertisement",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1289,
"title": "Fooled you"
},
{
"body": "A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. \r\nThe wife asks, \"What are you waiting for?\" \r\n\r\nThe husband replies, \"Autumn.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1290,
"title": "Art Gallery Nudes"
},
{
"body": "A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ''Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'' \r\n\r\n''My darling,'' he replied, ''think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.''",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1291,
"title": "Turn the Other Cheek"
},
{
"body": "A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, \"If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?\" \"Somebody else's pants.\" the boy replied.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1292,
"title": "Arithmetic"
},
{
"body": "A woman was watching her son pitch in a little league baseball. He wasn't very good, walking all of the batters that came up to bat, but after every pitch, the mom was yelling wildy and cheering her wonderful son on. Because of all the batters he had walked, the score was 14-0 in the 1st inning. Finally, one little boy came up, hit a grounder, and made it safely to first. \"Dang it,\" the mother muttered, \"there goes his no-hitter.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1293,
"title": "Baseball Game"
},
{
"body": "The Chinese say: Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1295,
"title": "Baseball"
},
{
"body": "Men who walk in front of car get tired. Men who walk in back of car get exhausted.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1296,
"title": "Man and car"
},
{
"body": "What kind of soup do you order at a gay Chinese resturant?\r\n\r\nCream of Yungi (Cream of Young Guy)",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1297,
"title": "Ordering Soup"
},
{
"body": "Saddam and an American were in the bathroom peeing in the urinals. When the American was done, he was going to leave without washing his hands.\r\nSaddam said, \"You know, I learned to wash my hands.\"\r\nThe American replied, \"Well, I learned not to pee on my hands.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1298,
"title": "Washing Hands"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so dumb it took her an hour to make minute rice!!!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1301,
"title": "Dumby"
},
{
"body": "When the phone rang, she excused herself from the sofa. A few seconds later she rejoined her male companion.\r\n\r\n\"Who was it?\" he asked. \r\n\"My husband,\" she replied. \r\n\"I better get going,\" he said. \"Where was he?\"\r\n\r\n\"Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1307,
"title": "Playing Poker"
},
{
"body": "How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?\r\nHave YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1308,
"title": "Carrots"
},
{
"body": "Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open.\r\n\r\nConvinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, \"Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1309,
"title": "Cat in the Way"
},
{
"body": "As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. \"How did everything go?\" her mom asked. \r\n\r\n\"Oh, mother,\" she began, \"The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!\" the new bride sobbed over the telephone. \r\n\r\n\"But, honey,\" the mother countered, \"What four-letter words?\" \r\n\r\n\"I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please!\" \r\n\r\n\"Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tell mother what four-letter words he used.\" \r\n\r\nStill sobbing, the bride said, \"Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1310,
"title": "The Honeymoon is Over"
},
{
"body": "A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al. \r\n\r\nJoe: \"He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over.\" Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, \"Nope, that ain't George.\" \r\n\r\nThinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al. \r\n\r\nAl: \"Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over.\" Again, \"Nope, that ain't George.\" \r\n\r\nMortician: \"How can you tell?\" \r\n\r\nAl: \"George had two assholes.\" \r\n\r\nMortician: \"What? How could he have two assholes?\" \r\n\r\nAl: \"Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, \"Here comes George with those two assholes!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1311,
"title": "George"
},
{
"body": "A golfer hooks his drive into the woods to the left of the fairway. While looking for his ball he happens upon a leprechaun. The leprechaun asks him, \"How's your round of golf is going?\" The golfer admits, \"I'm having one of my worst rounds ever.\" The leprechaun zaps the golfer with a magic spell. The leprechaun then asks, \"How's your sex life doing?\" The golfer replies, \"In all honesty, I haven't had any in years.\" So, the leprechaun zaps him with another spell. The golfer goes on to have his best round ever. \r\n\r\nTwo months later the golfer is playing the same course. He checks to see if the leprechaun is still around. Sure enough, he spots him in the woods. The leprechaun asks, \"How's your golf been lately?\" The golfer responds with pride, \"I'm playing the best golf of my life.\" The leprechaun then asks, \"How's your sex life doing?\" The golfer replies happily, \"I've been getting some almost every other week.\" The leprechaun seemed dismayed and said, \"Boy, I would have thought you would be doing much better than that.\" \r\n\r\nThe golfer replied, \"Well for a priest, from a small town, with no car, every other week isn't so bad.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1312,
"title": "The Leprachaun"
},
{
"body": "Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up. \r\n\r\nMoses says: \"The 7 isn't enough club. It'll go in the water\" \r\n\r\nJesus replies: \"If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it.\" \r\n\r\nHe swings the 7-iron and sure enough, straight in the drink. He tees up a second ball and grabs his 7-iron again. Again Moses reminds him of his previous attempt and Jesus says, \"If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it.\" \"PLOP\" in the water, it goes again. He continues this until he has hit all his golf balls into the water. At this point, he begins walking out on the water looking down to locate his lost golf balls. The foursome behind them approaches the tee, spots Jesus out on the lake and says to Moses, \"Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?\" \r\n\r\nMoses replies, \"No, Tiger Woods.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1313,
"title": "Jesus and Moses"
},
{
"body": "\"My friend,\" said St. Peter to the recently deceased, \"you did lead an exemplary life on earth - but there is one instance of your taking the name of The Lord in vain. Would you care to tell us about it?\" \r\n\r\n\"I recall,\" replied the new applicant, \"it was in 1965 on the last hole at Pinehurst. I only needed a par four to break 70 for the first time in my life.\" \r\n\r\n\"Was your drive good?\" asked St. Peter, with increasing interest. \r\n\r\n\"Right down the middle. But when I got to my ball, it was plugged deep in a wet rut made by a drunk's golf cart.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh dear,\" said St. Peter, \"A real sucker! Is that when you...\" \r\n\r\n\"No. I'm pretty good with a 3-iron. I played the ball close to my feet, caught the sweet spot and moved it right onto the green. But it bounced on a twig or something - it was a very windy day - and slid off the apron right under the steepest lip of the trap.\" \r\n\r\n\"What a pity!\" said St. Peter consolingly, \"Then that must have been when...\" \"No. I gritted my teeth, dug in with and open stance, swung a smooth outside arc, and backspun a bucket's worth of sand up onto the green. When everything settled down, there was my ball, only ten inches off into the cup.\" \r\n\r\n\"JESUS CHRIST!\" shrieked St. Peter, \"don't tell me you choked the putt!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1314,
"title": "The Lords Name in Vain"
},
{
"body": "The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation. \r\n\r\n\"Your holiness,\" said one of the Cardinals, \"Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match.\" \r\n\r\nThe Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life. \r\n\r\n\"Not to worry,\" said the Cardinal, \"We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. \r\n\r\nWe'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!\" \r\n\r\nEveryone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. \r\n\r\n\"I came in second, your Holiness,\" said Nicklaus. \r\n\r\n\"Second!?\" exclaimed the surprised Pope. \"You came in second to Shimon Peres!!??\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" said Nicklaus, \"second to Rabbi Palmer.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1315,
"title": "The Cardinal and the Rabbi Play Golf"
},
{
"body": "A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, \"What are you going to use on this hole son?\"\r\n\r\nThe young man says, \"An eight iron, father. How about you?\"\r\n\r\nThe priest says, \"I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.\"\r\n\r\nThe young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.\r\n\r\nThe young man says, \"I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1316,
"title": "Keep Your Head Down"
},
{
"body": "A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, \"I'd give anything to sink this next putt.\" \r\n\r\nA stranger walks up to him and whispers, \"Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?\" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, \"Okay,\" and sinks the putt. \r\n\r\nTwo holes later he mumbles to himself, \"Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.\" The same stranger moves to his side and says, \"Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?\" The golfer shrugs and says, \"Sure.\" He makes an eagle.\r\n\r\nOn the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, \"Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?\" The golfer says, \"Certainly!\" He makes the eagle.\r\n\r\nAs the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, \"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.\" \"Nice to meet you,\" says the golfer. \"I'm Father O'Malley.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1317,
"title": "Deal with the Devil"
},
{
"body": "Fred had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his priest. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. \r\n\r\nThe preacher felt obliged to respond. \"I have observed,\" said he in a calm voice, \"that the best golfers do not use foul language.\" \r\n\r\n\"I guess not, said Fred, \"what the hell do they have to swear about?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1318,
"title": "Fred and the Priest"
},
{
"body": "A country club didn't allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week. \r\n\r\nThe ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's club, and became active. After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from the women's club complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter. After another 6 months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action. After due deliberation they sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1319,
"title": "Equal Privileges"
},
{
"body": "Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. Sunday. But one of them got transferred, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. \r\n\r\nA woman standing near the tee said, \"Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?\" \r\n\r\nThey were hesitant but said she could come once to try it. She said \"Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or quarter to seven.\" \r\n\r\nShe showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said \"Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or quarter to 7.\" \r\n\r\nAgain, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. \r\n\r\nThey had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, \"how do you know if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?\" \r\n\r\nShe said \"That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed.\" \r\n\r\nA guy asked \"what if it's pointed straight up?\" \r\n\r\nShe said \"Then I'll be here at nine o'clock.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1320,
"title": "Tee Time"
},
{
"body": "A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk. \r\n\r\nWhile playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, \"I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.\" \r\n\r\nHe thanked her and went back to his golf. \r\n\r\nOn the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, \"I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.\" \r\n\r\nOnce again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, \"Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?\"\r\n\r\nShe replied, \"If I told you, you would only laugh.\" \r\n\r\n\"No I wouldn't.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well if you must know\", she answered, \"I sell sanitary towels.\" \r\n\r\nShe said, \"See I knew you would laugh.\" \r\n\r\n\"That's not what I'm laughing at\" he replied, \"I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1321,
"title": "A Hole Behind"
},
{
"body": "The lady golfer was a determined, if not very proficient player. At each swipe she made at the ball, earth flew in all directions. \r\n\r\n\"Gracious me,\" she exclaimed red-faced to her caddie, \"the worms will think there's an earthquake.\" \r\n\r\n\"I don't know,\" replied the caddie, \"the worms round here are very clever. I'll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1322,
"title": "Worm Safety"
},
{
"body": "\"I'll go and ask if we can go through,\" said Max to Jerry. The two golfers had been concerned for some time at the snail-like progress of two women, originally some holes ahead and now just in front of them on the ninth fairway. Max returned after only a few paces towards the ladies. \r\n\r\n\"Jerry, this is very embarrassing, but would you mind going? That's my wife up ahead and she's playing with my mistress.\" \r\n\r\nJerry returned having got no further forward than Max. \"I say,\" he said, \"what a coincidence...\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1323,
"title": "Wife and Mistress"
},
{
"body": "He was a smooth operator, and at the club's annual dance he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and was boasting to her. \r\n\r\n\"You know, they're all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, where do you want me to start ?\" came the quick response.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1324,
"title": "Handicap"
},
{
"body": "Bill and Ralph, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and \"play it as it lays\" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 first hole down the middle and about 260 yards. They drive up for the second shot, and Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach, but Ralph slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole. \r\n\r\n\"Guess I get a free drop from the cart path,\" he says. \"Oh no,\" says Bill, \"We agreed. Play it as it lays.\" So Ralph drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and rolls to within 3 ft. of the pin. Ralph drives back to the green. \r\n\r\nBill says, \"Great shot back there! What club did you use?\" Ralph responds, \"Your six iron.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1325,
"title": "Play As it Lays"
},
{
"body": "Four men, well along in years, had played golf as a foursome every Sunday morning, until one of them passed away. The other three asked the club pro if he could find them a compatible gentleman to fill out the foursome again. \"No problem,\" answered the pro. \r\n\r\n\"But, you have to understand,\" one of the guys, named George, explained, \"that Moe, who died, was like our eyes. We're all getting some cataracts, and have trouble seeing the ball. Moe's eyesight was perfect, and he was our spotter.\" \r\n\r\nThe pro promised to see what he could do, and, when the others returned the following Sunday, he introduced them to a truly ancient looking gentleman, named Gary. \r\n\r\n\"How old are you?\" George asked. \r\n\r\n\"I'm ninety-four,\" Gary responded. \r\n\r\n\"Fabulous,\" said George. \"But how's your eyesight?\" \r\n\r\nAt this, Gary blew up. \"Don't insult my eyes,\" he yelled. \"I may be old, but I've got 20-20 vision. I have eyes like an eagle. Don't insult me!\" \r\n\r\n\"Okay, okay,\" the others said. \"Let's play golf.\" \r\n\r\nGeorge was first on the tee, and he hit a long, low drive, that faded significantly after about 200 yards. He turned to Gary. \r\n\r\n\"Did you see where it went?\" he asked the ancient one. \r\n\r\n\"Did I see where it went? I told you not to insult my eyesight. Of course, I saw where it went. I've got eyes like an eagle!\" Gary yelled. \r\n\r\n\"Okay, I'm sorry,\" said George. \"Where did it go?\" \r\n\r\nGary dropped his head, and muttered, \"I forgot.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1326,
"title": "A compatible gentleman"
},
{
"body": "A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.\r\n\r\nJust as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.\r\n\r\nNot being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.\r\n\r\nTo his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.\r\n\r\nFinally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. \r\n\r\nAfter several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, \"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree.\" \r\n\r\nWith that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. \r\n\r\nThe old man offered one more comment, \"Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1327,
"title": "The Pine Tree"
},
{
"body": "Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of his buddies to complete a foursome. His buddies ask him if his friend can play golf. Dick says that he is very good. \r\n\r\nThis guy hits the ball on the first hole in the bush, so his buddies look at him and say, \"You said your friend was a good golfer.\" Dick says \"Yes, he is watch him play.\" They see the ball come out of the bush on the green. This guy takes two putts to make par. \r\n\r\nSecond hole is par 3. This guy hits the ball into the lake. The two buddies looks at Dick again and say \"You said this guy was good\" Dick replies that this guy was a great player. \r\n\r\nSo the guy walks into the the lake. Three minutes later they can't see the guy. All of a sudden they see a hand come out of the water. They tell Dick to dive in the lake to go get his friend, he's drowning. Dick replies \"No, that means he wants a 5 iron\".",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1328,
"title": "He Wants a 5"
},
{
"body": "\"Your late teeing off, Fred.\" \r\n\r\n\"Yup, well being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church, or to play golf\" \r\n\r\n\"But why are you so late?\" \r\n\r\n\"I had to toss for it fifteen times!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1329,
"title": "Late Tee Off"
},
{
"body": "Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, \"Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.\" Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.\r\n\r\n\"Help me find my ball; you look over there,\" he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. \"I've found my ball!\" he announces triumphantly.\r\n\r\nSid looks at him forlornly, \"After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?\"\r\n\r\n\"What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!\"\r\n\r\n\"And a liar, too!\" Sid says with amazement. \"I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1330,
"title": "Liar"
},
{
"body": "The worst (and wealthiest) member of Augusta approached Ben Crenshaw after the Master's Tournament. He challenged him to a match - double or nothing the prize money he had just one. Crenshaw was hesitant but, hey, who doesn't need more money, right? \r\n\r\nTo make it fair he offered the guy any handicap he wanted. The member requested two gottcha's. Crenshaw wasn't sure what a gottcha was but since the man was insistent, he agreed. \r\n\r\nThey went out to the first tee and the member took a swing at his ball and sliced mightily. Crenshaw got up and teed up his ball. The guy came up behind Crenshaw and swung his driver hard between Crenshaw's legs. \"GOTTCHA!\" he screamed. \r\n\r\nCrenshaw squirmed in agony, fell to the floor clutching his groin with tears streaming down his face. \"That's one gottcha gone\" said his challenger. Crenshaw took quite some minutes to compose himself again and played on. \r\n\r\nAt the end of the round the people couldn't believe that Crenshaw had lost. His only comment, \"Ever play a round of golf waiting for the second \"gottcha?\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1331,
"title": "Gotcha"
},
{
"body": "Bill is waiting to tee off for the start of his round when he sees Ralph just finishing his round. Bill notices that Ralph is wet all over the front of his trousers. Curiosity gets the best of him, so Bill asks Ralph how he got so wet. Ralph tells the following story: \r\n\r\nThat day, Ralph had played golf for the first time with bifocals. All day long, he could see two sizes for everything. There was a big club and a little club; a big ball and a little ball; etc. Therefore, Ralph said that he hit the little ball with the big club and it went straight and long all day long. On the green, he putted the little ball into the big cup. He said that he played the best golf of his life. Bill said, \"I understand that, but how did you get all wet?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said Ralph, \"when I got to the 16th, I had to urinate awfully bad. I went into the woods and unzipped my fly. When I looked down, there were two of them also; a big one and a little one. Well, I knew the big one wasn't mine, so I put it back.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1332,
"title": "Bifocals"
},
{
"body": "Bill and Ralph meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. Bill has a little dog with him and on the next green, when Bill holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs. \r\n\r\nRalph is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, \"That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?\" Bill replies, \"Somersaults.\" \r\n\r\nRalph exclaims, \"Somersaults! How many of them does it do?\" Bill calmly replies, \"Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1333,
"title": "Dog Tricks"
},
{
"body": "There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, \"Do you think there's baseball in heaven?\" \r\n\r\nSol thinks about it for a minute and replies, \"I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven.\" \r\n\r\nThey shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, \"Sol... Sol....\" \r\n\r\nSol responds, \"Abe! Is that you?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes it is, Sol,\" whispers the spirit of Abe. \r\n\r\nSol, still amazed, asks, \"So, is there baseball in heaven?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" says Abe says, \"I got good news and I got bad news.\" \r\n\r\n\"Gimme the good news first,\" says Sol. \r\n\r\nAbe says, \"Well... there is baseball in heaven.\" \r\n\r\nSol says, \"That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?\" \r\n\r\nAbe sighs and whispers, \"You're pitching on Friday.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1334,
"title": "Baseball in Heaven"
},
{
"body": "Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't let me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.\r\n\r\nYou are invited to use it without charge... \r\n\r\n01) Beating around the bush \r\n02) Jumping to conclusions \r\n03) Climbing the walls \r\n04) Swallowing my pride \r\n05) Passing the buck \r\n06) Throwing my weight around \r\n07) Dragging my heels \r\n08) Pushing my luck \r\n09) Making Mountains out of molehills \r\n10) Hitting the nail on the head \r\n11) Wading through paperwork \r\n12) Bending over backwards \r\n13) Jumping on the bandwagon \r\n14) Balancing the books \r\n15) Running around in circles \r\n16) Eating crow \r\n17) Tooting my own horn \r\n18) Climbing the ladder of success \r\n19) Pulling out the stops \r\n20) Adding fuel to the fire \r\n21) Opening a can of worms \r\n22) Putting my foot in my mouth \r\n23) Starting the ball rolling \r\n24) Going over the edge \r\n25) Picking up the pieces.\r\n\r\nWhew! What a workout! \r\n\r\nI think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down...",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1335,
"title": "Great Exercise"
},
{
"body": "9. Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. \r\n\r\n8. You know, Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? \r\n\r\n7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car - GO CRAZY. \r\n\r\n6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son? \r\n\r\n5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party. \r\n\r\n4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies - you know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. \r\n\r\n3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring, now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. \r\n\r\n2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. \r\n\r\n1. Father's Day? Aaahh-don't worry about that - it's no big deal.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1336,
"title": "Things Dad Won't Say"
},
{
"body": "The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, \"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?\" \r\n\r\n\"Why?\" \r\n\r\n\"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1337,
"title": "Lost Wife"
},
{
"body": "I. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) \r\n\r\nII. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket. \r\n\r\nIII. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.) \r\n\r\nIV. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. \r\n\r\nV. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.) \r\n\r\nIV. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. \r\n\r\nBut at least now he smells a lot better.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1338,
"title": "How To Bathe A Cat"
},
{
"body": "When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself. \r\n\r\nPleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, \"Does your boss know that you discourage business?\" \r\n\r\n\"Actually, it is my boss's idea,\" the employee replied sheepishly. \"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 1339,
"title": "Printer Repair"
},
{
"body": "If you messed up your life, you could press \"Ctrl, Alt, Delete\" and start all over! \r\n\r\nTo get your daily exercise, just click on \"run\"! \r\n\r\nIf you needed a break from life, click on \"suspend\". \r\n\r\nHit \"any key\" to continue life when ready. \r\n\r\nTo get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. \r\n\r\nTo \"add/remove\" someone in your life, click settings and control panel. \r\n\r\nTo improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. \r\n\r\nIf life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. \r\n\r\nWhen you lose your car keys, click on \"find\". \r\n\r\n\"Help\" with the chores is just a click away. \r\n\r\nYou'd use your diskette to recover from a crash. \r\n\r\nWe could click on \"send\" and the kids would go to bed immediately. \r\n\r\nTo feel like a new person, click on \"refresh\". \r\n\r\nClick on \"close\" to shut up the kids and spouse. \r\n\r\nTo undo a mistake, click on \"back\". \r\n\r\nIs your wardrobe getting old? Click \"update\". \r\n\r\nIf you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on \"delete\".",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 1340,
"title": "Life As A Computer"
},
{
"body": "While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, \"I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!\" \r\n\r\n\"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. \r\n\r\nProudly she replied, \"Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1341,
"title": "I Know Daddy's Password"
},
{
"body": "A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the \r\nexasperated doctor asked the lawyer, \"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?\" \r\n\r\n\"I give it to them,\" replied the lawyer, \"and then I send them a bill.\" \r\n\r\nThe doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. \r\n\r\nWhen he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 1342,
"title": "Free Advice"
},
{
"body": "In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner: \r\n\r\nAttorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? \r\n\r\nCoroner: No. \r\n\r\nAttorney: Did you listen to the heart? \r\n\r\nCoroner: No. \r\n\r\nAttorney: Did you check for breathing? \r\n\r\nCoroner: No. \r\n\r\nAttorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you? \r\n\r\nCoroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 1343,
"title": "The Murder Trial"
},
{
"body": "Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, \"Hmmm, this person looks familiar.\" The second blonde said, \"Let me look!\" The first blonde handed her the compact. The second blonde looked in the mirror and said, \"You dummy, it's me!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1344,
"title": "2 Blondes and a Mirror"
},
{
"body": "A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to see a psychiatrist. \r\n\r\nThe psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He finished the book by the time he reached his house. \r\n\r\nThe man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. \r\n\r\nPointing a finger in her face, he said, \"From now on, I want you to know that - I - am the man of this house, and my word is law! \r\n\r\n\"I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. \r\n\r\n\"Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?\" \r\n\r\nHis wife replied, \"The funeral director.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1345,
"title": "Assertive Husband"
},
{
"body": "A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Costume party. \r\n\r\nThe wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. \r\n\r\nBeing the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. \r\n\r\nSo he took his costume and away he went. \r\n\r\nThe wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened \r\nwithout pain, and as it was still early she decided to go to the party. \r\n\r\nBecause hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around. \r\n\r\nShe joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. \r\n\r\nHis wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new action. \r\n\r\nShe let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. \r\n\r\nJust before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of excuse he would have for his notorious behavior. \r\n\r\nShe was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. \r\n\r\nHe said, \"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.\" \r\n\r\nThen she asked, \"Did you dance much?\" \r\n\r\nHe replied, \"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. \r\n\r\nBut I'll tell you . . . the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one hell of a time!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1346,
"title": "Unmasked"
},
{
"body": "The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. \r\n\r\nWhen she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. \r\n\r\nShe was shocked and stunned and said, \"I've never seen anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?\" \r\n\r\nFinally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, \"Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1347,
"title": "Well Behaved Students"
},
{
"body": "As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. \r\n\r\nShe jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the window. \r\n\r\nThe trucker lowers the window, and she says \"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.\" \r\n\r\nThe trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. \r\n\r\nWhen the truck stops for another red light, the blonde catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the window. \r\n\r\nAgain, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken before, the blonde says brightly, \"Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!\" \r\n\r\nShaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. \r\n\r\nAt the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck window. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says \"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!\" \r\n\r\nWhen the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. \r\n\r\nHe knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says \"Hi, my name is George, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1348,
"title": "Helpful Driver"
},
{
"body": "A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. \r\n\r\n\"So, Miss, can you tell me your age, please?\" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, \"Ehhhh ... 22!\" \r\n\r\nThe interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. \"And can you tell me your height, please?\" \r\n\r\nThe young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, \"Five foot two.\" \r\n\r\nThis isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics. \"And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name, please?\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, \"Mandy!\" \r\n\r\nThe interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, \"Just out of curiosity, Miss, I can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when I asked you your name?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh that!\" replies the Blonde, \"That's just me running through, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you'.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1349,
"title": "Blonde Job Interview"
},
{
"body": "A man called the gorilla exterminator because a gorilla was in the tree in his front yand. When the exterminator came he had a gun, a stick, and a dog. He explained that he would climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until it falls from the tree. \r\n\"Then my dog will bite his testicles off.\"\r\nThe guy suspiciously asked, \"What is the gun for?\"\r\nThe exterminator replied, \"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, then you shoot the dog.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1350,
"title": "Gorilla Exterminator"
},
{
"body": "Have you ever wondered.....\r\n\r\nWhy Most homes have lots of windows in the house, how ever, more than half of them are usually covered up with blinds so people can't see you. \r\n\r\nIf blind people can still see kindness in a person.\r\n\r\nWould they still have the same motto \" No Shirt, No pants, No service\" in a porn shop.\r\n\r\nWhy on \"children's tylonnel\" they put \" Do not drive right after you have taken this\".\r\n\r\nWhy Many packaged peanut bags will say \" May contain traces of peanuts\" on them? \r\n\r\nWill you be smarter if you eat smarties( canadian candy)\r\n\r\nWill you be dumber if you lift dumb bells\r\n\r\nAND FINALLY.....\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nWill you be able to figure out how long you slept if you bring a ruler to bed with you?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1352,
"title": "Have You Ever Wondered...."
},
{
"body": "1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.\r\n\r\n2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.\r\n\r\n3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.\r\n\r\n4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.\r\n\r\n5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, \"Hi Greg. How's your day been?\"\r\n\r\n6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, \"That's mine!\"\r\n\r\n7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.\r\n\r\n8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.\r\n\r\n9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.\r\n\r\n10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.\r\n\r\n11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.\r\n\r\n12) Ask, \"Did you feel that?\"\r\n\r\n13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.\r\n\r\n14) When the doors close, announce to the others, \"It's okay, don't panic, they open again!\"\r\n\r\n15) Swat at flies that don't exist.\r\n\r\n16) Tell people that you can see their aura.\r\n\r\n17) Call out, \"Group Hug!\" and then enforce it.\r\n\r\n18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, \"Shut up, all of you, just shut up!\"\r\n\r\n19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, \"Got enough air in there?\"\r\n\r\n20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.\r\n\r\n21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, \"You're one of THEM!\" and back away slowly.\r\n\r\n22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.\r\n\r\n23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.\r\n\r\n24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.\r\n\r\n25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, \"I have new socks on.\"\r\n\r\n26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, \"This is MY personal space!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1354,
"title": "Things To Do In An Elevator"
},
{
"body": "If you're fat. can you still disapear into thin air?\r\n\r\nIf you're fat, can you still have slim chances of doing something?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1358,
"title": "Wonder????"
},
{
"body": "Joe walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. \r\n\"Can I help you, fella?\" asks the cop. \r\n\r\n\"Yes! Somebody stole my car!\" Joe replies. \r\n\r\nThe cop asks, \"Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?\" \r\n\r\n\"It was at the end of this key!\" Joe replies. \r\n\r\nAt this point, the cop looks down and sees Joe's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Joe, \"Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?\" \r\n\r\nJoe looks down sadly and moans, \"Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 1359,
"title": "Joe the Drunk"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between yo mamma and a water buffalo?\r\n\r\nAbout 20 pounds!\r\n\r\nHow do you even out the difference?\r\n\r\nEither force feed the buffalo or shave your mom.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1360,
"title": "Water Buffalo"
},
{
"body": "You know you're a redneck if:\r\n\r\n1) You drive your house and sleep in your car.\r\n\r\n2) You think a loaded dishwasher means your wife is drunk.\r\n\r\n3) You have more than 2 relatives named Buh Buh.\r\n\r\n4) You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.\r\n\r\n5) You've been to a wedding reception at the waffle house.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 1361,
"title": "You're a Redneck..."
},
{
"body": "This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.\r\n\r\nThere was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.\r\nIt ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1363,
"title": "A Story about 4 Body's"
},
{
"body": "Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations he/she keeps cranking out. Well, here it is:\r\n\r\nAVERAGE: Not too bright.\r\n\r\nEXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.\r\n\r\nACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.\r\n\r\nZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.\r\n\r\nCHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.\r\n\r\nUNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.\r\n\r\nQUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.\r\n\r\nTAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.\r\n\r\nTAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.\r\n\r\nINDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.\r\n\r\nSTERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.\r\n\r\nTACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.\r\n\r\nAPPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.\r\n\r\nA KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.\r\n\r\nNOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.\r\n\r\nEXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.\r\n\r\nSPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.\r\n\r\nCONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.\r\n\r\nMETICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.\r\n\r\nDEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.\r\n\r\nJUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.\r\n\r\nMAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.\r\n\r\nKEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.\r\n\r\nSTRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.\r\n\r\nGETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.\r\n\r\nSLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.\r\n\r\nOF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.\r\n\r\nIS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.\r\n\r\nALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.\r\n\r\nREQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.\r\n\r\nHARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.\r\n\r\nENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.\r\n\r\nHAPPY: Paid too much.\r\n\r\nWELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.\r\n\r\nCOMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.\r\n\r\nCONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.\r\n\r\nWILL GO FAR: Relative of management.\r\n\r\nSHOULD GO FAR: Please.\r\n\r\nUSES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.\r\n\r\nVERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.\r\n\r\nUSES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.\r\n\r\nDESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1364,
"title": "Performance Definitions"
},
{
"body": "You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...\r\nYou automatically double-knot everything you tie. \r\n\r\nYou find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. \r\n\r\nYou hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! \r\n\r\nYou actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. \r\n\r\nYou weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you. \r\n\r\nYou get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells. \r\n\r\nYou spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, \"Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?\" \r\n\r\nYou are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1366,
"title": "You've turned into a Mom When....."
},
{
"body": "A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee. \r\n\r\nShe drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, \"Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?\" \r\n\r\nHer grandson said, \"Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1367,
"title": "A grandson's coffee"
},
{
"body": "Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg. Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth. For Trouser had learned that .... a mime is a terrible thing to taste.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1368,
"title": "Story of a happy dog"
},
{
"body": "Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?\r\n\r\nNew Recruit: Call for backup!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1369,
"title": "Testing a New Recruit"
},
{
"body": "A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.\r\n\r\n\"But officer,\" the man began, \"I can explain.\"\r\n\r\n\"Just be quiet,\" snapped the officer. \"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.\"\r\n\r\n\"But, officer, I just wanted to say,\" \"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!\"\r\n\r\nA few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, \"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.\"\r\n\r\n\"Don't count on it,\" answered the fellow in the cell. \"I'm the groom.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1370,
"title": "Time for the Wedding"
},
{
"body": "It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class! \r\n\r\nThe examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. \r\n\r\n\"You're not going to have time to finish this,\" the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. \r\n\r\n\"Yes, I will,\" replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.\r\n\r\n\"No, you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late.\" \r\n\r\nThe student looked incredulous and angry. \r\n\r\n\"Do you know who I am?\" \r\n\r\n\"No, as a matter of fact I don't,\" replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. \r\n\r\n\"Do you know who I am?\" the student asked again in a louder voice. \r\n\r\n\"No, and I don't care,\" replied the professor with an air of superiority. \r\n\r\n\"Good,\" replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.",
"category": "College",
"id": 1371,
"title": "Do you know who I am?"
},
{
"body": "The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. \"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'\"\r\n\r\nA small voice from the back of the room rang out, \"And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1372,
"title": "Looking back on photos"
},
{
"body": "One spring afternoon, I came home to find two little girls on the steps of my building. Both were crying hard, shedding big tears. \r\n\r\nThinking they might be hurt, I dropped my briefcase and quickly went over to them. \"Are you all right?\" I asked. \r\n \r\nStill sobbing, one held up her doll. \"My baby's arm came off,\" she said.\r\n \r\nI took the doll and its disjointed arm. After a little effort and luck, the doll was again whole. \r\n \r\n\"Thank you.\" came a whisper. \r\n \r\nNext, looking into the tearful eyes of her friend, I asked, \"And what's the matter with you, young lady?\" \r\n \r\nShe wiped her cheeks. \"I was helping her cry,\" she said.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1374,
"title": "Friends"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nBanana.\r\nBanana who?\r\n\r\nKnock Knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nBanana.\r\nBanana who?\r\n\r\nKnock Knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nBanana.\r\nBanana who?\r\n\r\nKnock Knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nBanana.\r\nBanana who?\r\n\r\nKnock Knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nOrange.\r\nOrange who?\r\nOrange you glad I didn't say banana!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 1375,
"title": "Oranges"
},
{
"body": "1 How do you fit an elephant into your fridge within 3 steps?\r\n\r\n2 How do you fit a zebra in your fridge?\r\n\r\n3 King of the jungle , the lion every animal in the jungle will come to his wedding but one animal won't which one is it?\r\n\r\n4 A man needs to get to the other side of a bridge desperately there are killer alligators that live in the river and there is no boat how do you get across??\r\n\r\n1. step 1- open the fridge.\r\n step 2- put elephant in the fridge.\r\n step 3- close the fridge.\r\n\r\n2. step 1- open the fridge.\r\n step 2- take the elephant out.\r\n step 3- put the zebra in.\r\n step 4- close the fridge.\r\n \r\n3. The zebra because it is in the fridge.\r\n\r\n4. Swim because the alligators are at the wedding.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1376,
"title": "Animals of the jungle"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so fat when she sat on a jelly bean it got lost between her butt and her backbone, and we have been looking for it still for 31 years.",
"category": "Yo Mama",
"id": 1380,
"title": "The Jellybean"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between a girls track team and a tribe of pygmies?\r\n\r\nA: The pygmies are cunning little runts.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1381,
"title": "Ladies and Little People!"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call 4 blondes standing side-by-side?\r\n\r\nA: A wind tunnel.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1382,
"title": "4 blondes"
},
{
"body": "Simon the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Simon in tears. \r\n \r\n\"We can't see each other any more...\" she sobbed. \r\n \r\n\"Why?\" gasped Simon. \r\n\"Daddy says that crabs are too common,\" she wailed. \"He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways.\" \r\n \r\nSimon was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. \r\n \r\nThat night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable. \r\n \r\nSuddenly the doors burst open, and Simon the crab strode in. \r\n \r\nThe lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. \r\n \r\nSlowly, Simon the crab made his way across the floor, and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS; yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!\r\n \r\nStep by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the King Lobster in the eye. \r\n \r\nThere was a deadly hush for quite a while. \r\n \r\nFinally, the crab spoke - \"Bugger, I'm pissed.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1384,
"title": "Simon the Crab"
},
{
"body": "The following are 10 ways to tell if you have PMS,\r\n\r\n1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.\r\n2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.\r\n3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.\r\n4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.\r\n5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, \"How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****.\"\r\n6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting\r\npractice.\r\n7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.\r\n8. You're counting down the days until menopause.\r\n9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.\r\n10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1386,
"title": "10 Ways to Tell if You have PMS"
},
{
"body": "The following were actually published,\r\n\r\n-Include your children when baking cookies!\r\n\r\n-Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted\r\n\r\n-Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says\r\n\r\n-British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands\r\n\r\n-Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.\r\n\r\nA superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.\r\n\r\n-Dinner Special -- \r\nTurkey $2.35;\r\nChicken or Beef $2.25;\r\nChildren $2.00.\r\n\r\n-For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.\r\n\r\n-For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.\r\n\r\n-Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.\r\n\r\n-Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.\r\n\r\n-Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory\r\n\r\n-Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.\r\n\r\n-We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.\r\n\r\n-No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.\r\n\r\n-For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.\r\n\r\n-Great Dames for sale.\r\n\r\n-Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.\r\n\r\n-Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.\r\n\r\n-20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.\r\n\r\n-Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.\r\n\r\n-Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.\r\n\r\n-If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.\r\n\r\n-Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.\r\n\r\n-The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.\r\n\r\n-Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.\r\n\r\n-Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1387,
"title": "Mistakes in Publication"
},
{
"body": "More mistakes in publication,\r\n\r\n-Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.\r\n\r\n-Stock up and save. Limit: one.\r\n\r\n-Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.\r\n\r\n-We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.\r\n\r\n-This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.\r\n\r\n-For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.\r\n\r\n-For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.\r\n\r\n-Man, honest. Will take anything.\r\n\r\n-Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.\r\n\r\n-Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.\r\n\r\n-Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.\r\n\r\n-Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!\r\n\r\n-Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.\r\n\r\n-Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.\r\n\r\n-Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.\r\n\r\n-Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.\r\n\r\n-3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.\r\n\r\n-Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.\r\n\r\n-Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.\r\n\r\n-Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.\r\n\r\n-See ladies blouses. 50% off!\r\n\r\n-Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.\r\n\r\n-Illiterate? Write today for free help.\r\n\r\n-Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.\r\n\r\n-Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.\r\n\r\n-Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.\r\n\r\n-Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.\r\n\r\n-Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.\r\n\r\n-And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.\r\n\r\n-We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1388,
"title": "More Mistakes in Publication"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a bear who's into gardening?\r\n\r\nA Hairy Potter!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1389,
"title": "Warning- very corny!"
},
{
"body": "How do you turn a blonde into a brunette?\r\n\r\nMake her do a cartwheel!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1391,
"title": "Presto-chango"
},
{
"body": "A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph, with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, \"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce.\" The husband says nothing, but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.\r\nShe then says, \"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.\"\r\nAgain the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, \"I want the house.\" Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, \"I want the kids too.\"\r\nThe husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, \"I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.\" The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, \"Is there anything you want?\"\r\nThe husband says, \"No, I've got everything I need.\" She asks, \"Really? What's that?\"\r\nThe husband replies, just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, \"I've got the airbag!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1395,
"title": "A really nasty divorce"
},
{
"body": "Insurance Form Statements...\r\n\r\nComing home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.\r\n\r\nThe other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.\r\n\r\nI thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.\r\n\r\nI collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.\r\n\r\nA truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.\r\n\r\nThe guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.\r\n\r\nI pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.\r\n\r\nIn an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.\r\n\r\nI had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.\r\n\r\nAs I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.\r\n\r\nI had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.\r\n\r\nI was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.\r\n\r\nAs I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.\r\n\r\nTo avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.\r\n\r\nMy car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.\r\n\r\nAn invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.\r\n\r\nI was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.\r\n\r\nI saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.\r\n\r\nThe indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.\r\n\r\nI was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.\r\n\r\nThe telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.\r\n\r\nThe pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1398,
"title": "Insurance Statements"
},
{
"body": "So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.\r\n\r\nThere are 365 days per year available for work.\r\n\r\nThere are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.\r\n\r\nSince you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.\r\n\r\nYou spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.\r\n\r\nWith a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.\r\n\r\nYou normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.\r\n\r\nWe are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.\r\n\r\nWe generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1399,
"title": "I want a day off"
},
{
"body": "1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all. \r\n\r\n2. Yelling at me for barking...I AM DOG!! \r\n\r\n3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?!! \r\n\r\n4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. EXACTLY whose walk is this anyway? \r\n\r\n5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose..........stop it. \r\n\r\n6. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy the carpet? \r\n\r\n\r\n7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet. \r\n\r\n8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. \r\n\r\n9. Dog sweaters. Hello ????? Have you noticed the fur? \r\n\r\n10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now, you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. \r\n\r\n11. When you stop to pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me? \r\n\r\n12. Taking me to the vet for \"the big snip,\" then acting surprised when I FREAK out every time we go back. \r\n\r\n13. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1400,
"title": "Pet Peeves From a Dogs Perspective"
},
{
"body": "Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.\r\n\r\nThe brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last 600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.\r\n\r\nUpon leaving, she tells her sister, \"When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.\"\r\n\r\nThe brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.\r\n\r\nShe walks into the telegraph office, and says, \"I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.\"\r\n\r\nThe telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, \"It's just 99 cents a word.\"\r\n\r\nWell, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.\r\n\r\nAfter thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says,\"I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'\"\r\n\r\nThe telegraph operator shakes his head. \"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?\"\r\n\r\nThe brunette explains, \"My sister's blonde.\"\r\n\r\n\"She'll read it very slow.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1401,
"title": "Buying a Bull"
},
{
"body": "Abraham Lincoln, Bill Clinton, and George Washington were all on an airplane looking out the door. George Washington says, \" I'm going to make somebody happy\" then throws a $20 out of the plane. Bill Clinton says, \"I'm going to make two people happy\" then throws 2 $20's out of the plane. Abraham Lincoln says \"I'm going to make everybody happy\" and throws Bill Clinton out of the plane.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 1402,
"title": "Nobody likes Bill Clinton"
},
{
"body": "Middle Age: when knees buckle and belts don't.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1404,
"title": "Middle Age"
},
{
"body": "Navy dentist's licence plate: TOP GUM",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1405,
"title": "Navy Dentist"
},
{
"body": "Poise: the ability to continue speaking fluently while the other fellow is picking up the cheque.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1406,
"title": "Poise"
},
{
"body": "A man noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone. \"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake,\" said an irate voice. The man thanked his caller and politely asked his name before hanging up.\r\n\r\nThe next morning at four o'clock, he called his neighbour back. \"Sir,\" he said, \"I don't have a dog.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1407,
"title": "Tact"
},
{
"body": "After giving a woman a full medical examination, the doctor explained his prescription as he wrote it out. \"When you get up, take the green pill with a glass of water. Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water.\"\r\n\r\n\"Exactly what is my problem, Doctor?\" the woman asked.\r\n\r\n\"You're not drinking enough water.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1408,
"title": "Take with Water"
},
{
"body": "God: \"Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth.\"\r\n\r\nAngel: \"What are you going to do now?\"\r\n\r\nGod: \"Call it a day.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1409,
"title": "Hard Work"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nA: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 1410,
"title": "Managers"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nA: We can change the bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get it changed overnight.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 1411,
"title": "Shipping Department"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many management information services guys does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nA: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to the light bulb issue.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 1412,
"title": "Information Service"
},
{
"body": "A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. \"Don't be angry at your sister,\" the mother says. \"She doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts.\" \r\n\r\nA short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling, and her brother says, \"Now she knows.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1413,
"title": "Pulling Hair"
},
{
"body": "A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a l lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.\r\n\r\nWhile the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, \"You must be single.\" The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was equally intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. \r\n\r\nShe looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, \"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?\"\r\n\r\nThe drunk replied, \"Cause you're ugly.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1414,
"title": "The Drunk"
},
{
"body": "When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots.' Then she will get on with her life. \r\n\r\nA male has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3 am on a Sunday morning, he will call and say, \"I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.\" \r\n\r\nThis is known as the 'I Hate You, I Love You' drunken phone call and 99 percent of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1415,
"title": "Men VS Women"
},
{
"body": "Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1416,
"title": "Magazines"
},
{
"body": "\"Honey,\" said this husband to his wife, \"I invited a friend home for supper.\"\r\n\r\n\"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!\"\r\n\r\n\"I know all that.\"\r\n\r\n\"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1417,
"title": "The Invitation"
},
{
"body": "A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.\r\n\r\n\"Listen,\" says the Doc, \"I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nSix weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.\r\n\r\n\"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" says the physician, \"I'm glad I could help.\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\"By the way, Doc,\" the patient adds, \"you have a REALLY nice house.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1418,
"title": "Migraine Cure"
},
{
"body": "A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said \"Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I'll be across the field.\" A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking \"What's wrong? I told you to be quiet.\"\r\n\r\nThe son answered, \"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said \"Should we eat them here or take them with us?\" I panicked...",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1419,
"title": "Out Hunting"
},
{
"body": "Height of Patience: \r\nA naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.\r\n\r\nHeight of Frustration: \r\nA boxer trying to scratch his balls.\r\n\r\nHeight of Innocence: \r\nA teenage girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.\r\n\r\nHeight of Laziness: \r\nA guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.\r\n\r\nHeight of Competition: \r\nA guy peeing beside a waterfall.\r\n\r\nHeight of Sophistication: \r\nSucking nipples with a straw.\r\n\r\nHeight of Disgust: \r\nWhile wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.\r\n\r\nHeight of Technology: \r\nA condom with a zip.\r\n\r\nHeight of Trouble: \r\nA one handed man hanging from a cliff and his arse is itching.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1420,
"title": "The Height Of..."
},
{
"body": "\"Mummy, Mummy. I was at the playground and Daddy...\" Mummy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story, so Little Johnny tells her. \r\n\r\n\"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...\"\r\n\r\nAt this point Mummy cut him off and says, \"Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.\"\r\n\r\nAt the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and \"... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1421,
"title": "In the Navy"
},
{
"body": "A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. \r\n\r\nThe farmer said, \"There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn.\" \r\n\r\n\"No problem,\" chimed the Rabbi. \"My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening.\" With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night. \r\n\r\nMoments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. \"What's wrong?\" asked the farmer. He replied, \"I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.\" \r\nHis Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. \"What's wrong?\" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, \"I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!\" \r\n\r\nThat left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 1422,
"title": "A Night In The Barn"
},
{
"body": "The ten things a guy knows about a girl: \r\n\r\n1. \r\n2. \r\n3. \r\n4. \r\n5. \r\n6. \r\n7. \r\n8. \r\n9. \r\n10. They have boobs.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1423,
"title": "Ten Things"
},
{
"body": "A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. \r\n\r\nTheir domestic tranquility had long been known about the town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. \r\n\r\nHe inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. \r\n\r\n\"Well\"...explained the husband...\"it all goes all the way back to our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and we took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.\" \r\n\r\nHe continues...\"well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once.\" \r\n\r\n\"We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and my wife quietly spoke...that's twice.\" \r\n\r\n\"You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a third time.\" \r\n\r\nMy wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the beast, and shot the mule dead.\" \r\n\r\n\"I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned to me and quietly said...that's once.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1425,
"title": "Golden Oldies"
},
{
"body": "A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. \r\n\r\nWhen they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room. \r\n\r\n\"Grampa, Grampa,\" he says excitedly, \"as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!\" \r\n\r\n\"What?\" said his grandpa. \r\n\r\n\"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1426,
"title": "Frog Noises"
},
{
"body": "A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. \r\n\r\n\"You need to use 'big people' words,\" she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. \"I went to visit my Nana.\" \r\n\r\n\"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!\" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. \"I took a ride on a choo-choo.\" \r\n\r\nShe said, \"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words.\" She then asked Bobby what he had done. \"I read a book,\" he replied. \r\n\r\n\"That's WONDERFUL!\" the teacher said. \"What book did you read?\" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, \"Winnie the Shit.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1427,
"title": "Big People Words"
},
{
"body": "Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. \r\n\r\nThe boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. \"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,\" he said. \"An ambulance just drove by.\" A few moments passed. \r\n\r\n\"Looks like the Anderson's have company,\" he called out. \"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.\" \r\n\r\nMom and dad shot up in bed. \"How do you know that?\" the startled father asked. \r\n\r\n\"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,\" his son replied.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1428,
"title": "Balcony News"
},
{
"body": "A five year old boy was living with his mother, as his parents had divorced. One Sunday, she decided to take him to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit. \r\n\r\n\"That's an elephant\", the mother said. \r\n\r\nAfter the child repeated after her, he asked, \"Mommy? What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?\" \r\n\r\nThe mother replied, \"That's his trunk, sweetheart.\" \r\n\r\n\"No, no\", said the child, \"Behind that!\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, that's his tail\", she said. \r\n\r\n\"No, no!\" the boy exclaimed. \"That thing in the middle!\" \r\n\r\nThe woman was flustered and replied, \"Uhhhh, that's nothing, honey!\" And they moved on..... \r\n\r\nThe next weekend, the boy's father came to pick him up and the child cried, \"Daddy, let's go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!\" \r\n\r\nThe father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, \"Elephant!\" \r\n\r\n\"Very GOOD\", beamed the father. \"I'm proud of you for remembering all these animals!\" \r\n\r\nThe boy asked, \"Daddy? What's that thing hanging down on the elephant?\" \r\n\r\nThe father replied, \"That's his trunk.\" \r\n\r\n\"No!\", the boy moaned, \"Behind that!\" \r\n\r\n\"That's his tail\", the father replied. \r\n\r\n\"No, no! That thing in the middle!\" \r\n\r\nThe father stammered, \"Er...what did your mother say it was?\" \r\n\r\n\"She said it was nothing!\" \r\n\r\n\"Well\", the man said, puffing out his chest. \"Your mother's spoiled!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1429,
"title": "Elephants"
},
{
"body": "A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. \r\n\r\nThe teacher asked, \"Harry what is your problem?\" Harry answered, \"I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!\" \r\n\r\nMs Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. \r\n\r\nThe principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. \r\n\r\nShe agreed. \r\n\r\nHarry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed \r\n\r\nto take the test. \r\n\r\nPrincipal: \"What is 3 x 3?\" \r\n\r\nHarry: \"9\". \r\n\r\nPrincipal: \"What is 6 x 6?\" \r\n\r\nHarry: \"36\". \r\n\r\nAnd so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. \r\n\r\nThe principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, \"I think Harry can go to the third-grade.\" \r\n\r\nMs Brooks says to the principal, \"Let me ask him some questions?\" The principal and Harry both agree. \r\n\r\nMs Brooks asks, \"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? \r\n\r\n\"Harry, after a moment \"Legs.\" \r\n\r\nMs Brooks: \"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?\" \r\n\r\nHarry: \"Pockets.\" \r\n\r\nMs Brooks: \"What does a dog do that a man steps into?\" \r\n\r\nHarry: \"Pants\" \r\n\r\nMs Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? \r\n\r\nHarry: Coconut \r\n\r\nMs Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? \r\n\r\nThe principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, \r\n\r\nHarry was taking charge. \r\n\r\nHarry: Bubblegum \r\n\r\nMs Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? \r\n\r\nThe principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. \r\n\r\nHarry: Shake hands \r\n\r\nMs Brooks: Now I will ask some \"Who am I\" sort of questions, okay? \r\n\r\nHarry: Yep. \r\n\r\nMs Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. \r\n\r\nHarry: Tent \r\n\r\nMs Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. \r\n\r\nThe Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. \r\n\r\nHarry: Wedding Ring \r\n\r\nMs Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow \r\nme, you feel good. \r\n\r\nHarry: Nose \r\n\r\nMs Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. \r\n\r\nHarry: Arrow \r\n\r\nMs Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of \r\n\r\nheat and excitement? \r\n\r\nHarry: Fire truck \r\n\r\nThe principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, \"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1430,
"title": "Simple Questions"
},
{
"body": "A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. \r\n\r\nShe heard the train stop and her son saying, \"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're going down the tracks\" \r\n\r\nThe horrified mother went in and told her son, \"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language.\" \r\n\r\nTwo hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... \"All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.\" \r\n\r\nShe heard her little darling continue... \"for those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.\" \r\n\r\nAs the mother began to smile, the child added, \"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1431,
"title": "Train Conductor"
},
{
"body": "The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. \r\n\r\nLittle Mary led off: \"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,\" she said proudly, \"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.\" \r\n\r\n\"Very good,\" said the teacher. \r\n\r\nLittle Sally was next: \"I sold magazines,\" she said, \"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events.\" \r\n\r\n\"Very good, Sally,\" said the teacher. \r\n\r\nEventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. \r\n\r\nLittle Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.\"$2,467,\" he said. \r\n\r\n\"$2,467!\" cried the teacher, \"What in the world were you selling?\" \"Tooth brushes,\" said Little Johnny. \r\n\"Tooth brushes,\" echoed the teacher, \"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?\" \r\n\"I found the busiest corner in town,\" said Little Johnny, \"I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. \r\nThey all said the same thing. \"Hey, this tastes like shit! \"\r\n\r\nThen I would say..............\" It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1432,
"title": "Streetcorner Sales"
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife decided they needed to use \"code\" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, \"Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter\". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, \"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.\" The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, \"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.\" The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, \"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1433,
"title": "The Typewriter"
},
{
"body": "One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, \"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'\" \r\n\r\nThe teacher paused then asked the class, \"And what do you think that man said?\" \r\n\r\nOne little boy raised his hand and said, \"I know\"..he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1435,
"title": "Three Little Pigs"
},
{
"body": "As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. \r\n\r\nSuddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. \r\n\r\nInstantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. \r\n\r\nAs the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. \r\n\r\n\"Excuse me, General,\" she asks quietly, \"but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?\" \r\n\r\nThe old man smiles serenely and gently confides, \"I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1436,
"title": "Quiet Flight"
},
{
"body": "Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, \"Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly an face, it would freeze and I would stay like that.\" \r\n\r\nBobby looked up and replied, \"Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1437,
"title": "Ugly Faces"
},
{
"body": "Heard over the hospital public address system:\r\n\r\nDue to a mix up in Urology, no apple juice will be served this morning.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1438,
"title": "Announcement"
},
{
"body": "When ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1439,
"title": "Ice Skating"
},
{
"body": "Children certainly brighten up a home. Who ever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1440,
"title": "Children"
},
{
"body": "An American supply teacher came to a Canadian class one day. She told the students that she was an American and she asked if anyone else in the room was an American.\r\nEven though not many people in the room were, everyone put up their hand not to be left out, except one girl.\r\nThe teacher stared at the girl and asked \"If you're not an American, then what are you?\" The girl replied, \"I'm a proud Canadian.\"\r\nThe teacher asked \"Why are you a Canadian?\" The girl answered, \"Because my parents are both Canadians.\"\r\nThe teacher asked \"What if both of your parents are stupid, then what will you be?\" The girl answered, \"Then I would be an American!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1441,
"title": "Proudly Canadian"
},
{
"body": "There were three kids named My, Butt, and Stupid. They were pretty dumb and didn't know the word and. One day, they were playing ball on the sixth floor. Then, suddenly Stupid dropped the ball out the window. My jumped out the window to get the ball, while Butt tried to jump out the window to catch My. Stupid saw that the two of them fall out the window and ran down the stairs. When he got down, he saw a policeman looking at My and Butt. The policeman asked \"Son, what is your name?\" Stupid answered \"I'm Stupid!\" The policeman said \"You're not stupid, son, now do you know what happened here?\" Stupid answered \"My Butt fell out the window!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1442,
"title": "My, Butt, and Stupid"
},
{
"body": "One day, a grieving relative came to a grave yard to talk to the grave digger. \r\n\r\nThe woman said to him \"I am very poor, and I don't know how I can pay for my husband to be buried!\"\r\n\r\n The grave digger replied \"No problem, I have ways for you to save money while having your husband buried.\"\r\n\r\n \"How?\" The woman asked. \r\n\r\n\"It's very simple,\" the grave digger replied. \"To save money on the coffin, all you do is put your husband's body in a large plastic bag, instead of a coffin. To save money on space of the burial, bury your husband standing up instead of laying down. To save money on the headstone, all you need to do to identify your husband is to bury only half of his body and leave his head and half of his body above groud. This also saves money and labour of me digging a whole grave!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1443,
"title": "Graves"
},
{
"body": "One day 4 Friars decided to take an early retirement. So they retired and spent most of their time at home. Getting bored with retirement they decided they needed to try something new. After talking it over they decided to open a floral shop in the town. They knew a bit about gardening and could probably make some nice profits.\r\n\r\nSo they set up shop and had the best flowers in all of town. People always bought their flowers instead of the competitions down the street. The competitions owner was pretty mad and one day he went up to the friars and said, \"If you dont close this shop down in one week I will make you pay.\"\r\n\r\nNot willing to back down to a threat the friars stayed in business for another week. Then the competitions owner came up to them with a message, \"My son Hugh is getting out of jail in an hour. He'll be here to make sure you close down this shop.\"\r\n\r\nAn hour or two later a huge man came into the shop and started wrecking everything. He smashed vases, ripped apart flowers, and broke the shops windows while the terrified friars hid under the shops counter. When Hugh was through he left but gave them a warning, \"If you rebuild your business I'll be back.\"\r\n\r\n\r\nThe Moral - \"Only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1446,
"title": "The Florists"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you see peas spinning in circles?\r\n\r\nWorld Peace (whirled peas)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1447,
"title": "Spining Peas"
},
{
"body": "A genetic scientist managed to create dolphins that would live to 250 years of age - if they were fed seagulls.\r\n\r\nOne day the scientist's supply of gulls ran out, so he went out to trap some more. On the way back, he came upon two sleeping lions. Not wanting to wake the big cats, he gingerly stepped over them and was promptly arrested for...\r\n\r\n\r\nTransporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1448,
"title": "Dolphins"
},
{
"body": "Once there was a girl at a restaurant and ordered anything in a saucer. The waiter was walking to her table when the girl tripped him. The waiter said \"Why did you trip me?\" \r\nAnd the girl, without the least of the waiter's worries simply said \"I wanted to see a flying saucer!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1449,
"title": "The Girl at the Restaurant"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? \r\nMaybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1453,
"title": "Bigfoot and a Blonde"
},
{
"body": "Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. \r\n\"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?\"\r\n\"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the - \"\r\n \r\n\"I didn't ask for any details,\" the lawyer interrupted. \"Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road - \" \r\n\r\n\"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.\" By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the farmer, \"as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 1455,
"title": "Farmer Joe"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat she's got a real horse on her polo shirt.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1456,
"title": "Horse"
},
{
"body": "R. B. Jones had just started a government job. Human Resources sent him a letter, instructing him that they needed his full name for their records, otherwise he could not be paid. They enclosed the proper form for him to fill out.\r\n\r\nR.B. wrote back to explain that he HAS no other names, only the initials R.B. So he filled in the form as follows:\r\n\r\nFirst name: R (only)\r\nMiddle name: B (only)\r\nLast name: Jones\r\n\r\nSure enough, come payday, R.B. received a pay cheque made out to Ronly Bonly Jones!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1459,
"title": "Initial Problem"
},
{
"body": "Once there was a mom and a dad , they had a daughter called Angelica. So the dad was very thirsty because he had been driving a lot, so he asked his daughter \"sweetheart can I have some of your juice?\" She answers \"daddy no drinking and driving, that's what the law says!!!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1462,
"title": "No Drinking and Driving Dad!!!"
},
{
"body": "Once there were 3 guys, a Cuban, an American, and an Italian. So they worked together,and it was lunch time, so the American opens his lunch box and sees peanut-butter and jelly sandwich and he says, \"If I get a peanut-butter jelly sandwich one more time I'm going to kill myself.\"\r\nThen the Italian opens his lunch box and sees spaghetti and he says, \"If I get spaghetti one more time I'm going to kill myself.\"\r\nLastly, the Cuban opens his lunch and sees black beans and he says, \"If I get black beans one more time, I'm going to to do the same.\r\n\r\nThe next day the all open their lunch boxes, and the Cuban sees black beans again, so he kills himself, then the Italian sees spaghetti again, so he kills himself also. Lastly, the American sees peanut-butter and jelly sandwich again so he kills himself too.\r\n\r\nThen, at the funeral, their wifes are talking and the American wife says \"Oh..! he should at least told me about his lunch, that way he wouldn't have killed himself.\"\r\nThen the Italian wife agrees and says the same, and then the Cuban wife says, \"But I don't understand, he makes his own lunch!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1463,
"title": "But....he Made His Own Lunch!!"
},
{
"body": "Great Chicken Recipe:\r\n\r\nWhen I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for those who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.\r\n\r\n Baked Stuffed Chicken\r\n 2-3 kg chicken\r\n 1 cup melted butter\r\n 1 cup stuffing\r\n 1 cup uncooked popcorn\r\n salt & pepper to taste\r\n\r\n Preheat oven to 350 degrees.\r\n Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper.\r\n Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.\r\n Place in baking pan in the oven.\r\n Listen for the popping sounds.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n When the chicken's ass blows out of the oven door and flies across the room, the chicken is done.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1468,
"title": "Chicken Recipe"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny was on a plane when the stranger in the next seat said, \"Let's talk. Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.\" \r\n \r\nLittle Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, \"What would you like to discuss?\" \r\n \r\nThe stranger said, \"How about nuclear power?\" \r\n \r\nJohnny said, \"That could be interesting. But first, I have a question. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same thing, grass. Yet a deer excretes pellets, while a cow excretes a flat patty, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?\" \r\n \r\nThe stranger said, \"I have no idea.\" \r\n \r\nJohnny said, \"Well, then, why do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1469,
"title": "Little Johny Strikes Again"
},
{
"body": "Visitor : \"Knock knock?\"\r\n\r\nWorker: \"Who's there?\"\r\n\r\nVisitor : \"Doughnut Man.\"\r\n\r\nWorker: \"Doughnut Man who?\"\r\n\r\nVisitor : \"For the last time, do not (doughnut) bother me with your useless 'Knock-Knock' jokes!\"\r\n\r\nWorker: \"But you started it!\"",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 1470,
"title": "The Doughnut Seller"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock\r\nWho's there\r\nWho\r\nWho who\r\nI don't know what the heck your talking about but good owl impression.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 1472,
"title": "Owls"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a blonde which is as sweet as a pickle and has dirty blonde hair?\r\n\r\nA sweet potatoe!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1473,
"title": "Dirty blonde"
},
{
"body": "Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.\r\n\r\nOne asked the other, \"You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" said her friend. \"My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker.\"\r\n\r\nHer friend asked, \"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?\"\r\n\r\n\"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1575,
"title": "A Planned Life"
},
{
"body": "Three ministers were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church.\r\n\r\nThe first minister said, \"I shot at them with a shotgun, but it only spoiled the woodwork.\"\r\n\r\nThe second said, \"I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!\"\r\n\r\nThe third (who was looking pretty smug) said, \"I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1578,
"title": "Bats in the Belfry"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why are fingers on the statue of liberty 11 inches long?\r\n\r\nA: Because if they were 12 inches they would be feet.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1583,
"title": "The Statue of Liberty"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock??\r\nwho's there?\r\nHatch\r\nHatch-who?\r\nBless you",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 1584,
"title": "Hatch"
},
{
"body": "Who's Bigger? \r\nMr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby?\r\n\r\n\r\nHis baby cause he is a little Bigger.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1585,
"title": "The Bigger family"
},
{
"body": "Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team?\r\n\r\nShe kept running away from the ball!!",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1586,
"title": "Cinderella"
},
{
"body": "Knock KnocK???\r\nWho's there?\r\nYa\r\nYa who?\r\nWhere did that cowboy come from??",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 1587,
"title": "Wheres the Cowboy??"
},
{
"body": "A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments. The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one). Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about. As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer. \"Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!\" \r\nMorris replied, \"Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?\" (Rabbi nods yes) \r\n\"Did you see me order this meal?\" (again he nods yes) \r\n\"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?\" (again he nods yes) \r\n\"And did you see me eat it?\" (nods yes) \r\n\"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1589,
"title": "The Rabbi and the pious man"
},
{
"body": "If a man becomes president, his wife is the first lady.\r\n\r\nIf a woman became president, what would you call her husband?\r\n\r\nWhipped.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1591,
"title": "Mrs. President"
},
{
"body": "There were three blondes in the forest and they saw some tracks.\r\nThe first blonde said, \"Look, bear tracks.\"\r\nThe second blonde said, \"No, stupid, those are wolf tracks.\"\r\nThe third blonde said, \"You're both wrong, those are rabbit tracks.\"\r\n\r\nThen the train came and ran them all over.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1593,
"title": "3 blondes in the forest"
},
{
"body": "1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. \r\n- Patrick, age 10\r\n\r\n2. When your dad is mad and asks you, \"Do I look stupid?\" don't answer him. \r\n- Michael, 14\r\n\r\n3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. \r\n- Michael, 14\r\n\r\n4. Stay away from prunes. \r\n- Randy, 9\r\n\r\n5. Never pee on an electric fence. \r\n- Robert, 13\r\n\r\n6. Don't squat with your spurs on. \r\n- Noronha, 13\r\n\r\n7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. \r\n- Emily, 10\r\n\r\n8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. \r\n- Taylia, 11\r\n\r\n9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. \r\n- Traci, 14\r\n\r\n10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.\r\n- Kyoyo, 9\r\n\r\n11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.\r\n- Armir, 9\r\n\r\n12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. \r\n- Lauren, 9\r\n\r\n13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.\r\n- Joel, 10\r\n\r\n14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. \r\n- Alyesha, 13 \r\n\r\n15. Never try to baptize a cat. \r\n- Eileen, 8",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1594,
"title": "Advice From Kids"
},
{
"body": "A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, \"There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.\" \r\n\"How did you know?\" his mother asked. \r\n\r\nDaddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied, \"I think it's printed on the bottom.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1595,
"title": "Kids and Kittens"
},
{
"body": "A Duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow. \r\n\"Who is this incredibly fine archer?\" cries the Duke. \"I must find him.\" \r\n\r\nAfter continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets. \r\n\r\n\"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?\" asks the Duke worriedly. \r\n\r\n\"No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.\"\r\n\r\n\"That is truly astonishing,\" says the Duke. \"I hereby admit you into my service, but I must ask one favor in return. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the boy, \"first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1596,
"title": "Boy Archer"
},
{
"body": "A Husband and Wife go to the hospital to deliver their child. The doctor meets them and tells them that he has a new system that will allow the father to take part or all of the mothers labor pains. They both agree and the delivery begins. \r\n\r\nThe doctor turns the dial to 10%, so that the father will take 10% of the mothers pain. The husband says he feels fine, so the doctor puts it up a notch. The husband still feels fine, so the doctor puts it up to 30%. The husband still feels fine, so it goes up to 50%. The husband tells the doctor to go ahead and put it up to 100%. The husband still feels fine and the child is delivered and the wife felt virtually no pain at all. \r\n\r\nThey both go back home with their child, where they find the mailman dead on their steps!!!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1597,
"title": "Labor Pains"
},
{
"body": "\"He who laughs last, thinks slowest.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1598,
"title": "Laughs last"
},
{
"body": "Signs you're a redneck Jedi;\r\n\r\n-You ever heard the phrase, \"May the force be with y'all.\"\r\n\r\n-Your Jedi robe is camouflage.\r\n\r\n-You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.\r\n\r\n-At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.\r\n\r\n-You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.\r\n\r\n-You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.\r\n\r\n-The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.\r\n\r\n-Wookiees are offended by your B.O.\r\n\r\n-You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.\r\n\r\n-You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.\r\n\r\n-Your father has ever said to you, \"Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot.\"\r\n\r\n-You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.\r\n\r\n-You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.\r\n\r\n-You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.\r\n\r\n-You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.\r\n\r\n-Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.\r\n\r\n-You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.\r\n\r\n-You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.\r\n\r\n-You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.\r\n\r\n-If you hear . . . \"Luke, I am your father... and your uncle...\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 1599,
"title": "Signs you're a redneck Jedi"
},
{
"body": "There was a boy and a teacher walking down the street one day. The teacher bought the boy some gum and after chewing it for a while it fell out of his mouth. He went to pick it up and the teacher said, \"Never pick up things from the floor.\"\r\n Then, the teacher bought him an ice cream. It fell on the floor and he went to pick it up. Again, the teacher said to him, \"Never pick up things from the floor.\"\r\n Next, the teacher bought the boy a lollypop. It fell to the floor and once again he went to pick it up. The teacher told him, \"Never pick up things from the floor.\"\r\n After walking down the street some more there was a ditch ahead, but neither the boy nor the teacher noticed it. As they walked on the teacher fell in and started yelling at the boy, \"Help me! Help me!\r\nThe boy just looked down at her and said, \"Never pick up things from the floor...\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1600,
"title": "Never pick up things from the floor..."
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny's school was having show and tell, so the teacher started a 'Guess What's Behind My Back' game. She went to her desk and picked something up. \r\n\r\n\"Okay class,\" she said, \"guess what's behind my back. It's red, round, and shiny.\" \r\n\r\n\"I know, teacher! It's an apple!\" shouted Little Johnny! \r\n\r\nThe teacher replied, \"No little Johnny, it's a cherry, but I like the way you think.\" \r\n\r\nThe teacher went to her desk again and picked up another item. \r\n\r\n\"Okay class,\" she said, \"what am I holding now? It's yellow, and soft. \r\n\r\n\"I know, teacher! It's a banana! \r\n\r\n\"No, Little Johny,\" said the teacher, \"it's a tennis ball, but I like the way you think. \r\n\r\nAt this point little Johnny was frustrated. \"Okay teacher,\" he said, standing up, \"this one's for you!\" He stuck his hand in his pocket and pulled it out with his hand closed around it. \"Okay what am I holding? It's round, hard, and has a head. \r\n\r\nShocked the teacher yelled, \"Little Johnny! Go to the office right now! That's inappropriate and you're in big trouble!\" \r\n\r\n\"For what, teacher?\" Little Johnny said, grinning, \"It's just a quarter, but I like the way you think!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1601,
"title": "I like the way you Think"
},
{
"body": "Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, \"That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.\" The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, \"That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1602,
"title": "Empty Stomach"
},
{
"body": "WIFE: \"What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?\" \r\nHUSBAND: \"Definitely not!\" \r\nWIFE: \"Why not - don't you like being married?\" \r\nHUSBAND: \"Of course I do.\" \r\nWIFE: \"Then why wouldn't you remarry?\" \r\nHUSBAND: \"Okay, I'd get married again.\" \r\nWIFE: \"You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).\" \r\nHUSBAND: (makes audible groan). \r\nWIFE: \"Would you sleep with her in our bed?\" \r\nHUSBAND: \"Where else would we sleep?\" \r\nWIFE: \"Would you replace my pictures with hers?\" \r\nHUSBAND: \"That would seem like the proper thing to do.\" \r\nWIFE: \"Would she use my golf clubs?\" \r\nHUSBAND: \"No, she's left-handed.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1603,
"title": "Will you remarry if I die?"
},
{
"body": "The other night I was invited out for a night with \"the girls.\" I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. \r\n\r\nThe hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk to the gills, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. \r\n\r\nThe next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. \"Whew,\" I thought, \"got away with that one!\" \r\n\r\nThen he said, \"We need a new cuckoo clock.\" When I asked him why, he said, \"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, \"Oh shit!\" cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1605,
"title": "Arriving Home Late"
},
{
"body": "A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, \"Children, I would like you to close your eyes and taste these.\" \r\n\r\nThe kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. \r\n\r\n\"I'll give you a hint,\" said the teacher. \"It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all of the time.\"\r\n\r\nInstantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, \r\n\r\n\"Spit 'em out, guys; they're assholes!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1606,
"title": "Taste Test"
},
{
"body": "A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, \"Get me a beer before it starts!\" \r\n\r\nThe wife sighs and gets him a beer. \r\n\r\nTen minutes later, he says, \"Get me another beer before it starts!\" \r\n\r\nShe looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, \"Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!\" \r\n\r\nThe wife is furious. She yells at him \"Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore...\" \r\n\r\nThe man sighs and says, \"It's started...\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1607,
"title": "Before it starts"
},
{
"body": "Why did Michael Jackson cover his body in cheese spread?\r\n\r\nBecause kids will do anything for the taste of Dairylee.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1608,
"title": "Cheese Spread"
},
{
"body": "For all you Blonde ladies out there.\r\n\r\nWhy are blonde jokes so short?\r\n\r\nSo men can remember them",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1609,
"title": "BLONDES PAYBACK TIME."
},
{
"body": "What do you call a blond who can change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nTalented",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1613,
"title": "What do you call"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a man who put the toilet seat down after use?\r\n\r\nDon't know it's never happened.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1614,
"title": "What Do You Call A Man..."
},
{
"body": "How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nOne I hope.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 1615,
"title": "How many......"
},
{
"body": "Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. \r\n\r\nAndy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. \r\n\r\nAfter a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the \"miracle\" products, she asks her husband - \"Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?\" \r\n\r\nLooking over her carefully, Andy replied,... \r\n\"Judging from your skin, twenty; \r\nyour hair, eighteen; \r\nand your figure, twenty five.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, you flatterer!\" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying... \r\n\r\n\"WHOA, hold on there sweety!\" Andy interrupted. \r\n\"I haven't added them up yet!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1616,
"title": "How old am I?"
},
{
"body": "When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench near the food court and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. \r\n\r\nShe said: \"I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee.\" \r\n\r\nI said: \"Well, then why are you crying?\"\r\n\r\nShe said: \"He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon.\" \r\n\r\nI said: \"Well, so why are you crying?\" \r\n\r\nShe said: \"For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am.\" \r\n\r\nI said: \"Well, why in the world would you be crying?\" \r\n\r\nShe said: \"BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1617,
"title": "Young Lover"
},
{
"body": "All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. \r\n\r\nOne knight told his best friend - \"My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.\" \r\n\r\nThe company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. \r\n\r\nThinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. \r\n\r\nA horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. \r\n\r\nHe yells - \"Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1618,
"title": "The Chastity belt"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball? \r\nYou can drive a golf ball 200 yards.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1619,
"title": "What's the difference?"
},
{
"body": "There is an old lady driving on Interstate 22. A police car pulls her over and explains to the lady she is going 22 mph. She said, ''I know, isn't that the speed limit?\" The officer said, ''No, this is Interstate 22''. The police officer looks in the back seat and there are three children looking quite ill. He asks her if they need help and she explains, ''No, we just left Interstate 119.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1620,
"title": "Old Lady Driving"
},
{
"body": "A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a \"Dear John\" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:\r\nDear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.\r\nPlease return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky.\r\n\r\nThe Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.\r\n\r\nThere were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:\r\nDear Becky,\r\nI'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.\r\nTake care, Ricky.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1622,
"title": "Breaking up with a Marine"
},
{
"body": "On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.\r\nWhen she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, \"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.\"\r\nHorrified, Susan told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.\r\n\"Oh no, my dear,\" replied granny. \"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would\r\nstart to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong.\" She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, \"and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1623,
"title": "Once a Week"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles her mouth looks like its throwin' up gang signs. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. \r\nYo mama's got one tooth and people call her chomper. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles it looks like her tongue is in jail. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so crooked, she needs a map to find her tongue. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so crooked, she uses them to cut chain at the hardware store. \r\nYo mama's gold tooth is so fake, her whole mouth turned green. \r\nYo mama's got two gold teeth, one says 24k and the other says \"Believe that shit if you want to.\" \r\nYo mama's teeth look like Honey Smacks. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so ugly, she got pulled over for not having dental insurance. \r\nWhen I looked at Yo mama's teeth, I didn't know whether to smile or to kick a field goal. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so black, it looks like she's been eatin' coal. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, she has to brush them with a butter knife. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, she can butter a whole loaf of bread. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, she slows down traffic when she smiles. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she drinks water it turns into lemonade. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she got a job taste testing butter scotch. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, when God said \"Let there be light\", he told her to smile. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she closes her mouth her eyes light up. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she walked into a church, everybody said \"I see the light!\" \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, crows fly down and pick at them like it was corn. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiled, Dorothy made it to OZ. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, she spits butter. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like a cheeseburger. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, she's got more gold than Fort Knox. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, you'd think she's been blowin' the Simpsons. Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she looks like she's got a Twinkie in her mouth. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles it looks like a Kraft Singles pack. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so nasty, they make Yuck Mouth afraid of the cavity creeps. \r\n Yo mama's teeth are so big, when she sneezed she bit a hole in her chest. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so big, her dentist charges her by the tooth. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so big, it looks like her mom had an affair with Mr. Ed. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so big, I thought they were piano keys. \r\nYo mama's missing so many teeth, you can play checkers on her mouth. \r\nYo mama's so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice. \r\nYo mama's so toothless, when she couldn't eat an apple, she just gummed it to death. \r\nYo mama's got snakeskin teeth. Yo mama's got shark teeth. \r\nYo mama's got one tooth in front and one in the back talkin' `bout \"Give me a bite.\" \r\nYo mama's got so many gaps in her teeth it looks like piano keys. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so big and gapped, I could run hurdles with them. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so gapped, bitch has to floss with a garden hose. \r\nYo mama's teeth are so gapped, her front tooth says \"Next tooth one mile.\" \r\nYo mama's teeth are so crooked, she has to suck my dick sideways. \r\nYo mama's got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail. \r\nYo mama's got three teeth... one in her mouth and two in her pocket. \r\nYo mama's got summer teeth... summer in her mouth and summer in her pocket.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1624,
"title": "Yo Momma's Teeth..."
},
{
"body": "Let's get off moms, 'cause I just got off yours. \r\nLet's get off moms, 'cause she can't handle those five men on her now. \r\nI ain't got nuthin' bad to say 'bout Yo mama, 'cause her face says it all! \r\nI'm sorry, I shouldn't talk about Yo mama, 'cause I don't even know the man. \r\nHey keep my mom out of this and I'll keep this out of Yo mama! \r\n If I wanted any lip from you I'd jiggle my zipper. \r\nIf I wanted a comeback, I'd just wipe it off Yo mama's chin. \r\nHey, if I wanted a comeback, I'd wipe off your chin. \r\nNice comeback muthafucka, you can scrape that off Yo chin and use it again! \r\nHey I don't have a mom, me and my dad just use yours! \r\nHey, I got nothing to say about Yo Mama 'cause she's a real saint... a Saint Bernard. \r\nMan, I ain't even gonna talk about yo daddy 'cause I know him. He's got a human body but a dog's behind... and around the way we call him a bitch ass nigga'. \r\nMan, that snap is so old you might as well be bustin' knock knock jokes. And speaking of knock knock, that's what my balls were doing on Yo Mama's chin last night. \r\nMan, that snap was staler than yo breath. \r\nMan, that snap is so old, the last time I heard it my grandfather was still wearing a leather condom. \r\nThat was good, but not as good as Yo mama was last night. \r\nMan, that snaps older than Yo grandma's kick-start vibrator. \r\n Man, that snaps older than the crust in Yo Mama's underwear. \r\nSpeakin' of Yo mama, when I was doing her doggy style last night, I realized which side of the family you get your looks from. \r\nSpeak where I fucked you last night, you fart you're a liar! \r\n(If your car is insulted) Well, it rides better than Yo mama.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1625,
"title": "Yo Mama Comebacks"
},
{
"body": "This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. \r\n \r\nWhen they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. \r\n \r\nAs they \"oohed and aahed\" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. \r\n \r\n \"It's free,\" Peter replied; \"this is Heaven.\" \r\n \r\nNext they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. \r\n \r\nThe old man asked, \"What are the green fees?\". \r\n \r\nPeter's reply, \"This is heaven, you play for free.\" \r\n \r\nNext they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. \r\n \r\n\"How much to eat?\" asked the old man. \r\n \r\n\"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!\" Peter replied with some exasperation. \r\n \r\n\"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?\" the old man asked timidly. \r\n \r\nPeter lectured, \"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.\" \r\n \r\nWith that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. \r\n \r\nPeter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, \"This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1626,
"title": "It's Free, This is Heaven"
},
{
"body": "A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: \"FOOL.\" \r\n \r\nThe next Sunday he announced, \"I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1627,
"title": "The Letter"
},
{
"body": "The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if the student is to be absent for the day. Kelly, deciding to bunk and go to the mall with her friends waited till her parent's had left for work and called the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone call. \r\n \r\nKelly: \"Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill. \r\n \r\nSecretary at high school: \"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?\" \r\n \r\nKelly: \"This is my mother.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1628,
"title": "Skipping School"
},
{
"body": "- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you. \r\n- No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. \r\n- Friendly fire ain't. \r\n- The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. \r\n- The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already had it mined. \r\n- The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at. \r\n- Incoming fire has the right of way. \r\n- If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush. \r\n- If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap. \r\n- The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. \r\n- Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1629,
"title": "Military Laws"
},
{
"body": "The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. \r\n\r\nAfter slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. \"Hey! We need to get back!\" \r\n\r\n\"No need to panic,\" said a fellow bassist. \r\n\r\n\"I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. \r\n\r\n\"It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.\" \r\n\r\nA few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. \r\n\r\n\"Well, of course,\" said her companion. \"Don't you see? \r\n\r\n\"It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1630,
"title": "Bottom of the Ninth"
},
{
"body": "A fathers rules to dating;\r\n\r\nRule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.\r\n\r\nRule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.\r\n\r\nRule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.\r\n\r\nRule Four - I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a \"barrier method\" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. \r\n\r\nRule Five - In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is \"early.\"\r\n\r\nRule Six - I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.\r\n\r\nRule Seven - As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?\r\n\r\nRule Eight - The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.\r\n\r\nRule Nine - Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.\r\n\r\nRule Ten - Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1631,
"title": "Rules to Dating A Daughter"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many FBI agents does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nA: I'm afraid that you are not able to receive this classified information.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 1632,
"title": "FBI"
},
{
"body": "A Licensed Counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...\r\n\r\n\"You all have obsessions,\" he observed. To the first mother, he said, \"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.\"\r\n\r\nHe turned to the second Mom. \"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.\"\r\n\r\nHe turns to the third Mom. \"Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.\"\r\n\r\nAt this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, \"Come on, Dick, we're leaving.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1633,
"title": "Therapy Session"
},
{
"body": "An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, \"Going to a party?\"\r\n'Yeah,' the man answered, 'I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.' \r\n\r\n'But you look like Abe Lincoln.' protested the barkeep. \r\n\r\n'That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.'",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 1634,
"title": "Kinky Costume"
},
{
"body": "- Nice Set of Floppies!\r\n\r\n- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.\r\n\r\n- I'd like to play on your laptop.\r\n\r\n- Need me to unzip your files?\r\n\r\n- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!\r\n\r\n- I'd like to boot up your PC!\r\n\r\n- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!\r\n\r\n- I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)\r\n\r\n- I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...\r\n\r\n- Your homepage or mine?",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 1635,
"title": "Pick-up Lines For Computer Geeks"
},
{
"body": "There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.\r\n\r\nWhen asked to define \"great\" he said, \"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!\"\r\n\r\nHe now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 1636,
"title": "Great Writer"
},
{
"body": "So, this guy, Bill is sitting in a bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. \r\n\r\nThe fellow on the next bar stool, Joe, says 'That's amazing. Where did you get him?' \r\n\r\nBill answers 'well, I got this magic lamp with a genie.' \r\n\r\nSo Joe asks 'that's great, could I use it?' Bill says 'sure ' and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He continued, 'I want a million bucks'. Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks!\r\n\r\nJoe exclaims 'Hey! I asked for 1 million BUCKS! Not DUCKS!' Bill explained.\r\n\r\n'Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 1637,
"title": "Two Guys and a Genie"
},
{
"body": "A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. \"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.\"\r\n\r\nWhen the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. \"Why, that's amazing!\" the doctor said, \"Did you follow my instructions?\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde nodded, \"I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.\"\r\n\r\n\"From hunger, you mean?\" asked the doctor.\r\n\r\n\"No, from all that skipping.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1640,
"title": "The Diet"
},
{
"body": "Blonde jokes started when a brunette and a red head had to much time on their hands, because a blond was out with their boyfriends.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1642,
"title": "Where did blonde jokes come from?"
},
{
"body": "A Mexican, an Asian, an African, and an American all somehow come across a genie at the same time. They rub the lamp and the genie pops out and agrees to grant them all one wish each. The genie turns to the Mexican and asks what he wished for.\r\n\r\n\"I wish that myself and all of my people could return to Mexico and live without poverty and wars.\" \r\n\r\nWith that, the Mexican disappeared. The genie then turns to the Asian and asks what he wished for.\r\n\r\n\"I wish that myself and all my people could go return to our countries in Asia and live in peace and happiness.\"\r\n\r\nAnd the Asian disappears. The genie next asked the African what he would like.\r\n\r\n\"I wish that myself and all of my African Brothers and Sisters could return to our homelands in Africa and live in wealth and be bothered no more by the rest of the world.\"\r\n\r\nWith that, the African disappears. The genie turns to the American and asks what he wishes for.\r\n\r\n\"Before I make my wish, am I to understand that all of the Mexicans, Asians, and Africans are each in their countries forever?\"\r\n\r\nThe genie nods\r\n\r\n\"I wish for a Coke.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1644,
"title": "Thirsty?"
},
{
"body": "A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Roshashanna.\r\n\r\n\"Oh,\" the Catholic girl says. \"That's the holiday when you light the eight candles, right?\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" the Jewish girl replies. \"That's Hannukah.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, right,\" the Catholic girl says. \"Roshashanna is the holiday when you eat the unlevened bread?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" the Jewish girl replies. \"That's Passover. Roshashanna is the holiday when we blow the shofar.\"\r\n\r\n\"See,\" the Catholic girl says. \"That's what I like about you Jews...you're so good to the help.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1652,
"title": "Jewish Holiday"
},
{
"body": "One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. \r\nThe pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. \r\n\r\nThe passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. \r\n\r\nUp in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, \"You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1653,
"title": "Blind Pilots"
},
{
"body": "A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. \r\nLo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, \"So where are you flying to today?\" She turns and smiles and says, \"To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.\" \r\n\r\nWhoa! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! \r\n\r\nStruggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, \"And what's your role at this convention?\" She flips her long hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes, and says, \"Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.\" \r\n\r\n\"Really,\" he says, swallowing hard, again. \"And what myths are those?\" She explains: \"Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average.\" \r\n\r\n\"Very interesting,\" the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. \"I'm sorry,\" she says, \"I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name.\"\r\n\r\nThe man extends his hand and replies, \"Tonto, Tonto Goldstein.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1654,
"title": "Nympho!"
},
{
"body": "A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and ordered a beer. The Bartender said, \"We don't serve Ropes here.\" Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked, \"Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?\". The man obliged, and with this done, the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer. The Bartender looked him over and said, \"Say, aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!\" \"No,\" was the reply, \"I'm a frayed knot.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1655,
"title": "Rope walks into a bar"
},
{
"body": "Bill walked into his favorite dive bar, took his regular stool, looked around, and asked Louie, the bartender, \"Where's Beverly, the waitress?\"\r\n\r\n\"She's dead,\" replied the bartender. \r\n\r\n\"Dead?\" asked Bill. \r\n\r\n\"She died from herpes,\" said the bartender. \r\n\r\nBill replied, \"You don't die from herpes.\" \r\n\r\n\"You do if you give it to Big Louie!\" said the bartender.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 1656,
"title": "STDs are deadly!"
},
{
"body": "A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, \"What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?\" \r\nThe man said, \"We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender said, \"That should make you happy.\" \r\n\r\nThe man sadly shook his head and said, \"Not when the month is up today!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 1657,
"title": "So sad.."
},
{
"body": "Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.\r\nSt. Peter asks the first blonde, \"What is Easter?\" The blonde replies, \"Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful...\"\r\n\r\n\"Wrong!\" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, \"What is Easter?\" The second blonde replies, \"Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.\"\r\n\r\nSt. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, \"What is Easter?\"\r\n\r\nThe third blonde smiles confidently and says to St. Peter, \"I know what Easter is.\" \"Oh?\" says St. Peter, incredulously. \"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.\"\r\n\r\nSt. Peter smiles broadly with delight.\r\n\r\nThe third blonde continues, \"Every February the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1658,
"title": "Blonde Holidays"
},
{
"body": "Four business men are flying over the the UK having tea and taking in the sites\r\n\r\nThe first man who is English looks out of the window and cries \"Ah there is my beautiful England\"\r\n\r\nA while later the second man who is Irish looks out and criess \"There is my beautiful Ireland\"\r\n\r\nA while after that the Third man looks out and criess \"There is my beautiful Scotland\"\r\n\r\nThe fourth man who is Chinese feels very left out. He comes up with an idea. Picking up the tea set they have been using, he tosses it out of the window and cries \"Ah my beautiful China\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1659,
"title": "Four Men in a Helicoptor"
},
{
"body": "Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?\r\n\r\nA: A mosquito will stop sucking when you smack it!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1661,
"title": "Blonde and a Mosquito"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was getting tired of all the blonde jokes, and being treated as if she were stupid so one day, she decided to dye her hair and become a brunette. She then went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the shepard over. \"That's a nice flock of sheep.\" she said. \r\n\r\n\"Well thank you.\" said the herder. \r\n\r\n\"Tell you what, I have a proposition for you.\" said the ex-blonde. \r\n\r\n\"Okay,\" replied the herder. \r\n\r\n\"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?\" asked the woman. \r\n\r\n\"Sure,\" said the sheep herder. So the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, \"382.\" \r\n\r\n\"Wow,\" said the herder. \"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home.\" \r\n\r\nSo the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, \"Okay, now I have a proposition for you.\" \r\n\r\n\"What is it?\" asked the woman. \r\n\r\n\"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1662,
"title": "Baaaaa..rk"
},
{
"body": "Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus; the blonde team rides on the top level.. \r\nThe brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.. \r\n\r\nShe says, \"What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!\" One of the blondes looks up and says, \"Yeah, but you've got a driver!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1663,
"title": "Bowling Teams"
},
{
"body": "Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. \r\n\r\nThe police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, \"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1664,
"title": "Robbed!"
},
{
"body": "Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. \r\nGabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out. \r\n\r\nThey arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would. \r\n\r\nAbout 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, \"I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought.\" \r\n\r\nSally replied, \"I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1665,
"title": "Camping Trip"
},
{
"body": "Q: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all in the 3rd grade. Who has the biggest tits?\r\n\r\nA: The blonde because she is 18.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1666,
"title": "Who has the Biggest?"
},
{
"body": "Q: How can you tell when a blonde has been driving your car?\r\n\r\nA: There is lipstick on the steering wheel from her blowing the horn.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1668,
"title": "Blonde Driving"
},
{
"body": "A blonde's house is on fire so she runs outside to use a payphone to call for help. She gets the 911 operator, and gets transferred to the firehouse. \"Mr. Fireman, my house is on fire, you have to help me!\" The Fireman replies, \"Yes, yes, Miss, how do I get to your house?\"\r\nThe blonde pauses a moment, and replies, \"Umm, it's the house that's on fire.\" Realizing he is now talking to a blonde, the fireman comes back with, \"No, Miss, how would you like me to get to your house?\" to which the blonde replies, \"Duh, big red truck!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1669,
"title": "Fire!"
},
{
"body": "The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, \"If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?\" \r\nThe blonde quickly responded, \"The living one.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1670,
"title": "Interview"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why do blondes wear panties? \r\n\r\nA. To keep their ankles warm!!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1678,
"title": "Panties"
},
{
"body": "Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? \r\n\r\nA: Fourth grade.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1679,
"title": "Six years"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. \r\n\"Why do you do that, mommy?\" he asked. \r\n\r\n\"To make myself beautiful,\" said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. \r\n\r\n\"What's the matter?\" asked Little Johnny. \"Giving up?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1681,
"title": "Cold Cream"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen?\r\n\r\nA: Snowballs",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1682,
"title": "Snowmen vs Snowwomen"
},
{
"body": "An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. \r\n\"Where did you get such a great bike?\", asked the first. \r\n\r\nThe second engineer replied, \"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'\" \r\n\r\nThe first engineer nodded approvingly, \"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1684,
"title": "New Motorcyle"
},
{
"body": "A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, \"It's not a ship.\"\r\n\r\nThe speck gets a little closer and he thinks, \"It's not a boat.\"\r\n\r\nThe speck gets even closer and he thinks, \"It's not a raft.\"\r\n\r\nThen, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.\r\n\r\nShe comes up to the guy and she says, \"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?\"\r\n\r\n\"Ten years!\" he says.\r\n\r\nShe reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, \"Man, oh man! Is that good!\"\r\n\r\nThen she asked, \"How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?\"\r\n\r\nHe replies, \"Ten years!\" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, \"Wow! That's fantastic!\"\r\n\r\nThen she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, \"And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?\" \r\n\r\nAnd the man replies, \"My God! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1685,
"title": "Stranded"
},
{
"body": "A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. \r\nThe policeman walked up to the man and asked, \"Have you been drinking, sir?\" \r\n\r\n\"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" replied the policeman, \"you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1686,
"title": "Drunk Driver"
},
{
"body": "Farmer John was taking his cow and it's newborn calf to sell in the auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree. Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however, left the newborn calf behind. \r\n\r\nPoor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized John and untied him. \r\n\r\nWhen they did, farmer John picked up a long stick and started whipping the calf with it. \r\n\r\n'Why are you thrashing the poor calf?' his neighbors asked?\r\n\r\nTo which farmer John replied, 'I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly...I am NOT your mother! I am NOT your mother!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1687,
"title": "Farm Robbery"
},
{
"body": "A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers. \r\nThe guy says, \"Who is this?\" \r\n\"This is the maid.\", answered the woman. \r\n\"We don't have a maid!\" \r\n\"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.\" \r\n\"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?\" \r\n\"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.\" \r\nThe guy is fuming. He says to the maid, \"Listen, would you like to make $50,000?\" \r\n\"What do I have to do?\" \r\n\"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with.\" \r\nThe maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. \r\nThe maid comes back to the phone. \"What should I do with the bodies?\" \r\n\"Throw them in the swimming pool!\" \r\n\r\n\"What?! There's no pool here?\" \r\n\r\nLong pause... \"Uh .... is this 832-4821?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1688,
"title": "The New Maid"
},
{
"body": "It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. \r\n\r\n\"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?\" he says. \"That's cool.\" says Bobby. \r\n\r\nPeggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. \r\n\r\nPeggy Sue's father responds \"Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.\" \r\n\r\nNaturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says \"Whaaaat?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yeah,\" says Peggy Sue's father, \"Peggy Sue really likes to screw; She'll screw all night if we let her! \r\n\r\nBobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. \r\n\r\nA few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. \r\n\r\nAlmost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying \"Have a good evening kids,\" with a wink for Bobby. \r\n\r\nAbout 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: \"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1689,
"title": "Advice For The Night Out"
},
{
"body": "You're so fat you make sumos look anorexic.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1693,
"title": "Sumos"
},
{
"body": "You're so fat Richard Simmons laughs at you.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1694,
"title": "Richard laughs"
},
{
"body": "\"Dear Mother and Dad, \r\n\r\nIt has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are sitting down, okay? \r\n \r\nWell, then, I'm getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day. \r\n \r\nFortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I have nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment. \r\nIt's really a basement room, and it's kind of cute. \r\n\r\nHe is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. \r\n\r\nThe reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection that prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. I have bumps all over my \"down there\" but this will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily. I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race, color and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by this fact. \r\n \r\nNow that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital. I am not pregnant. I am not engaged. I do not have a disease and there is no miscegenation in my life. However, I am getting a \"D\" in history and an \"F\" in science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective. \r\n\r\nYour loving daughter, JL",
"category": "College",
"id": 1695,
"title": "News From School"
},
{
"body": "It's a beautiful spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.\r\nShe's got on a close-fitting, lowcut, pink summer dress with spaghetti straps.\r\nAs they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.\r\nHe jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest.\r\nHe is obviously excited at the sight of the young lady in the sundress.\r\nThe husband, noticing the apes excitement,\r\nsuggests that his wife tease the ape.\r\n\r\nThe husband suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom.\r\nShe does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited,\r\nmaking noises that would wake the dead.\r\n\r\nThen her husband suggests that she let one of the straps of her dress slip down.\r\nShe does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear down the bars.\r\n\r\nHer husband suggests she lift her dress up her thighs and she does.\r\nThis about drives Mr. Gorilla crazy.\r\nThen quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her inside with the gorilla, slams the door shut, and gleefully rubbing his hands together, says:\r\n\r\n\"Now, tell him you have a headache.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1696,
"title": "Animal Marital Aides"
},
{
"body": "There was a little guy in a bar drinking his beer, when all of a sudden a big guy comes and knocks him off his stool and says \"that was a karate chop from Japan\"\r\n\r\nThe little guy get's back up on his stool again and start's to drink his beer again, when all of a sudden the big guy knock's him of his stool again, and says that was a karate kick from China, \r\n\r\nSo the little guy get's back up and leave's for a moment then come's back in and goes up to the big guy hits him and knock's him off of his stool out cold.... he then, tell's the bartender \"when he gets up to ask me, that was a crowbar from Sears\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 1698,
"title": "Little Guy"
},
{
"body": "One day, a blonde and a brunette were talking on the phone. Then the brunette says, \" I have to go get a new mouse for the computer. My mouse isn't running good.\" Since the blonde hates mice. she goes over to her computer and opens it up, looking for a running mouse. She runs back to the phone and says, \" But my computer works fine without a mouse\"; but since she took so long looking for the mouse, her friend hung up and the phone battery was dying out so it sounded like a squeeky assuming and it was the mouse she searched her whole house finding not one mouse. Then she calls her brunette on the phone saying I can't find one mouse in my house what does it look like? After she finished describing it the blonde finds it, then she squishes it saying, \" There, it is dead! \"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1699,
"title": "The Computer Mouse"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you think fast-food is hitting a dear at 65mph.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 1700,
"title": "Fastfood"
},
{
"body": "Two crisps are walking down the road when a car pulls up alongside and the driver leans out and says \"Do you fancy a lift?\". The crisps reply, \"No thanks we're Walkers\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1701,
"title": "2 crisps"
},
{
"body": "Police officer: \"Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle\".\r\nDog owner: \"Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle\".",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1702,
"title": "The Dog"
},
{
"body": "Attending the funeral of an actress who had been married ten times, a friend sobbed to the priest, \"Well, at least they're together at last.\"\r\nThe clergyman looked around. \"Which of her husbands is buried here?\"\r\n\"None,\" said the friend. \"I meant, her legs.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1703,
"title": "Old Tart"
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1704,
"title": "Too Many Hormones"
},
{
"body": "Q.What is the speed limit for sex?\r\n\r\nA. 68, at 69 you have to turn around!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1708,
"title": "Speed Limit"
},
{
"body": "After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer. \r\nThe first sits down and says, \"Hey, Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. \r\n\r\nThe second says, \"I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender gives him one. \r\n\r\nAnother guy says, \"I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender gives him one. \r\n\r\nThe guy from Guiness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. \r\n\r\nThe other presidents look over at him and ask, \"Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?\" \r\n\r\nThe Guiness president replies, \"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 1711,
"title": "Beer Please"
},
{
"body": "You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, \"I'm fantastic in bed.\" \r\n\r\nThat's Direct Marketing. \r\n\r\nYou're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, \"She's/he's fantastic in bed.\" \r\n\r\nThat's Advertising. \r\n\r\nYou see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, \"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed.\" \r\n\r\nThat's Telemarketing. \r\n\r\nYou're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, \"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed.\" \r\n\r\nThat's Public Relations. \r\n\r\nYou're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, \"I hear you're fantastic in bed.\" \r\n\r\nThat's Brand Recognition.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1712,
"title": "Marketing"
},
{
"body": "Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. \r\nWhen she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. \r\n\r\nWithout hesitating, he dictated, \"...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1713,
"title": "Busted!"
},
{
"body": "Two doctors opened an office in a small town. \r\nThey put up a sign reading: \"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.\" \r\n\r\nThe town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: \"Hysterias and Posteriors.\" \r\n\r\nThis was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: \"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.\" \r\n\r\nNo go! Next they tried \"Catatonics and Colonics\" Thumbs down again. \r\n\r\nThen came, \"Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives.\" \r\n\r\nBut is was still not good! So they tried: \r\n\r\n\"Minds and Behinds\" \r\n\r\n\"Analysis and Anal Cysts\" \r\n\r\n\"Nuts and Butts\" \r\n\r\n\"Freaks and Cheeks\" \r\n\r\n\"Loons and Moons\" \r\n\r\n\"Lost Souls and Ass Holes\" \r\n\r\nNone worked. \r\n\r\nAlmost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council: \r\n\r\n\"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends.\" \r\n\r\nAPPROVED!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1714,
"title": "The Doctors"
},
{
"body": "A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, \"I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?\" \r\nFeeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, \"Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh,\" says the little girl, \"I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1715,
"title": "Kids at Work"
},
{
"body": "There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary. \r\nHe then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation. \r\n\r\nThen he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1716,
"title": "Downsizing"
},
{
"body": "A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, \"Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up.\" \r\n\r\nHe hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. \r\n\r\nA week later he returns. His wife asks, \"Did you have a good trip?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1717,
"title": "Pajamas"
},
{
"body": "Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment. \r\nSo after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, \"How many bibles did you sell?\" \r\n\r\nThe boy stood up and said, \"35.\" \r\n\r\n\"Is that all you sold?\" the preacher asked. \r\n\r\n\"He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, \"75.\" \"That is good,\" the preacher replied. \r\n\r\nHe didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impediment said ''I-I-I s-s-sold 175.'' The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how did he sell all of the bibles. He said ''I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them'''",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1718,
"title": "Sales Tactic"
},
{
"body": "Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? \r\n\r\nNew employee: Yes, sir. \r\n\r\nBoss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1719,
"title": "Tell The Truth"
},
{
"body": "A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike. \r\n\"How'd you get that, son?\" \r\n\r\n\"By hiking.\" \r\n\r\n\"Hiking?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1720,
"title": "Hiking"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny walked into class one day and sat down. He realized that someone new was teaching the class today, It was Coach Bob, the gym teacher.\r\n\r\nCoach Bob started the class by saying, \"Okay you little one's are never too young to learn about s-e-x, uh ummm.\"\r\n\r\nWhile every other kid in the class is giggling. Little Johnny looks really intent.\r\n\r\nCoach Bob then asks, \" Well, what do any of you kids already know about sex.\"\r\n\r\nLittle Shirley raised her hand, \"One time my puppy had a baby.\"\r\n\r\n\"Good \" said Coach Bob\r\n\r\nThen Little Chuckie raised his hand and said, \"Well my mom gave me a little sister.\"\r\n\r\n\"Good, good.\" said Coach Bob\r\n\r\nThe Little Johnny raised his hand and Coach Bob's heart skipped a beat. He said \"Yes Little Johnny.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said Little Johnny, \"one time at my grandpa's house I was watching an old western starring the Lone Ranger, and he fought off one hundred Indians.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh Yeah,\" said Coach Bob really relieved, \"what does that have to do with sex ed.\"\r\n\r\n\"That'll teach those Indians to screw with the Lone Ranger.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1722,
"title": "Little Johnny on Sex Ed"
},
{
"body": "A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horny. \r\nOne night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find. \r\n\r\nAs he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he had promised himself he would take the first thing he could get, he grabbed the lion and screwed it. \r\n\r\nJust as the gorilla finished, the lion awoke and was really pissed. The lion started chasing the gorilla through the zoo and was beginning to gain on him. The gorilla turned a corner and saw a park bench with a newspaper on it. Thinking quickly, the gorilla sat down on the bench and held the newspaper in front of him like he was reading it. \r\n\r\nWhen the lion turned the corner he stopped at the park bench. Not knowing what was behind the newspaper he asked the reader if he had seen a gorilla run by. From behind the paper, the gorilla said, \"You mean the one that screwed the lion?\" The lion shook his head and shouted, \"Oh No! It's already in the papers!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1723,
"title": "Lonely Gorilla"
},
{
"body": "A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. \r\n\r\nUnclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup, drove down to the woods, and shagged them all. \r\n\r\nThe next day he called the vet again, and asked how he would know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked not even one was lying down. So he loaded them up in his pickup again, drove them to the woods, and shagged them all again. \r\n\r\nTo his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck, drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time. \r\n\r\nBy the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says, \"Hmmm - that's weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1725,
"title": "The Farmer And His Pigs"
},
{
"body": "A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, \"Dad, am I pure polar bear?\" The dad replies, \"Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear.\" \r\nStill unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, \"Mom, am I pure polar bear?\" She answers, \"Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear.\" \r\n\r\nStill not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, \"Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?\" His grandmother answers, \"Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?\" \r\n\r\nThe baby polar bears replies, \"Because I'm f-ing freezing!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1726,
"title": "Pure Polar Bear"
},
{
"body": "A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that service all of his many hens. \r\n\r\nWhen he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, \"I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!\" \r\n\r\nSo the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. \"Randy,\" he said, \"I'm counting on you to do your stuff.\" And without a word, Randy strutted into the henhouse. \r\n\r\nHe was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But he didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. \r\n\r\nThen he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out \"Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself.\" But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. \r\n\r\nWell the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. \r\n\r\nThe farmer walked up to Randy saying \"Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy.\"\r\n\r\n\"Shhhhh,\" Randy whispered, \"The buzzard's getting closer.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1727,
"title": "Randy the Rooster"
},
{
"body": "A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! \r\nA few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, \"I think I can stand over the hole!\" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, \"Grab for my dick and pull yourself up.\" The rabbit did and pulled himself to safety. \r\n\r\nThe moral of the story: \r\n\r\nIf you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1728,
"title": "The Horse and the Rabbit"
},
{
"body": "A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, \"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?\" \r\nThe little girl replies, \"I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe.\" Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, \"I thought Barbie comes with Ken.\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" said the little girl. \"She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1732,
"title": "Barbie"
},
{
"body": "GAT (Gangsta Aptitude Tess) \r\nThe following exam was administered as an Ebonics version of the SAT \r\n\r\n1) You just robbed som jack mo fo with $20 in his wallet. You can buy: \r\n\r\nA dime and two 40's \r\n\r\nB. A new pair of Fila's \r\n\r\nC. Dashikki down the block \r\n\r\nD. Yo mama \r\n\r\n\r\n2) It's tha end of da monf again and da man is on your jack for da rent. You: \r\n\r\nA. Bust a cap in his ass \r\n\r\nB. Say, \"Shit man, why you all up in ma bidness?\" \r\n\r\nC. Have anuther kid on welfare \r\n\r\nD. Yo mama \r\n\r\n\r\n3) You and ya holmes are banging down da block when yall scam da uther mo fo's commin your way. If ya both jaking your hydros, and both yall draw yur gats, which of da following happens: \r\n\r\nA. Shit goes down in da hood \r\n\r\nB. Ya check yur colours and let the cop-killers fly \r\n\r\nC. Shit man, I do'no maff \r\n\r\nD. Yo mama \r\n\r\n\r\n4) You drink haff a 40. How much is left: \r\n\r\nA. Haff \r\n\r\nB. Da uther haff \r\n\r\nC. Zum mo \r\n\r\nD. Bout enuff to jak yo mama \r\n\r\n\r\n5) You, beein da shit you are, dress yo self in da morn in which of deese: \r\n\r\nA. Yo Tek 9 with da Raiders hat \r\n\r\nB. Da AK47 with yo Fila's \r\n\r\nC. You blade and ya colurs \r\n\r\nD. \"Shit man, what's a nigga like me doin up at dis time in da morn?\" \r\n\r\n\r\n6) Tiz yo 21st birfday. You: \r\n\r\nA. Hook up with Dashikki down the block and treat her to MceeDees \r\n\r\nB. Treat yo self to crack, ice cream, and 40's \r\n\r\nC. Gaffle da man \r\n\r\nD. I do'no maff \r\n\r\n\r\nJOG-MAFEE \r\n\r\n7) Wher iz da mutherland at: \r\n\r\nA. Afrika \r\n\r\nB. Compton \r\n\r\nC. Souff Centra \r\n\r\nD. Yo mama \r\n\r\n\r\n8) What am da capita of California? \r\n\r\nA. Da Hood \r\n\r\nB. Compton \r\n\r\nC. Compton \r\n\r\nD. Compton \r\n\r\n\r\nANALAMA-G'S \r\n\r\n\r\n9) Tek 9 : Gatt :: \r\n\r\nA. Yo mama : Dashikki \r\n\r\nB. Fila's : Nike \r\n\r\nC. Tu pac : Barry White \r\n\r\nD. St. Ive's : Colt 45 \r\n\r\n\r\n10) Malt Liquor : Da Chronic :: \r\n\r\nA. Da Man : Da Systum \r\n\r\nB. ReeRun : MC Hammer \r\n\r\nC. Fat Albert : Shaft \r\n\r\nD. Yo mama : Dashikki \r\n\r\n\r\nNOW LOOKIE HERE FOO. I GOTS TO AXE YOU AN EXXAY QUEXTIUN: \r\n\r\nIN 25 WURDS MO O LESS, TELL UZ ME WHO AM DA MAN? \r\n\r\nSo dat we may give uh you yo cowrecked sco, sine yo tag below \r\n\r\n\r\n+---------------------------------------------------------",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1734,
"title": "GAT Test"
},
{
"body": "One very loooooong summer day, not so long ago, a guy was driving down a long and never-ending road, when he noticed a sign that said\r\n\r\nTen miles ahead Sisters of Mercy brothel.\r\n\r\nThe guy really confused by somewhat intrigued decides that it is weird but if it were true he might check it out.\r\n\r\nLater down the road he finds the same sign but it reads five miles ahead the Sisters of Mercy brothel.\r\n\r\nSo now the guys decides that he is definitely going to stop at the brothel five miles down the road.\r\n\r\nFIVE MILES LATER...\r\n\r\nHe drives into a parking lot in front of a small windowless building with one door that says entrance to the Sisters of Mercy brothel.\r\n\r\nHe gets up to the door and on the doorknob \"Knock three times\" is inscribed on it.\r\n\r\nSo the guy filled with intrigue knocks three times, and immediately after the third knock an extremely old nun opens the door and says.\r\n\r\n\"Hello, are you looking for a few good nuns.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, yes I've been on the road all week and I'm pent up like hell, god I am.\"\r\n\r\nAs the nun gives the guy a cold look she tells him to come inside and follow the winding path.\r\n\r\nSo the guy goes through about fifteen hallways and finally comes across a door that says \"WAIT\"\r\n\r\nAnd after a five minute wait the biggest butch of a nun comes and says high you came for a nun.\r\n\r\nAfter having the shit scared out of him by the big nun she tells him that the nun of his dreams is on the other side of that door, but she tells him he has to strip naked right here and bend over facing the door keeping his eyes closed.\r\n\r\nAfter doing those two tasks he feels the door in front of him swing open, and suddenly a sharp pain in his ass, he was kicked outside and the door slam shut and lock behind him.\r\n\r\nAs he walked around the long building buck naked, he gets back to the parking lot realizing that his car is missing, and the front door is locked. As he turns around he notices a card on the ground and opens it up and he reads\r\n\r\n!CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1735,
"title": "Sisters of Mercy"
},
{
"body": "10. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. \r\n\r\n9. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. \r\n\r\n8. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. \r\n\r\n7. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. \r\n\r\n6. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell \"COVEEEEERRRRRR!\" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. \"Oh, good. It worked this time,\" and calmly start to type again. \r\n\r\n5. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. \r\n\r\n4. Sneak up behind some engrossed in their work screaming, \"DISK FIGHT!!!\" and bop them on the head with a disk. \r\n\r\n3. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. \r\n\r\n2. Get a pair of 3-d glasses. Wobble around while walking and keep yelling, \"Whoa, that looked so real!\" \r\n\r\n1. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1736,
"title": "Top Ten Ways To Freak Out Your Co-Workers"
},
{
"body": "14. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor; then say, \"Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?\" \r\n\r\n13. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast. \r\n\r\n12. Take in a wineskin filled with water. Stand and slowly squeeze it out into the toilet, every 15-20 seconds moan or sigh. \r\n\r\n11. Say, \"Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.\" \r\n\r\n10. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your \"Cross-Dressers Anonymous\" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. \r\n\r\n9. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, \"Peek-a-boo!\" \r\n\r\n8. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, \"May I borrow a highlighter?\" \r\n\r\n7. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. \r\n\r\n6. Say, \"Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.\" \r\n\r\n5. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. \r\n\r\n4. Say, \"Now how did that get there?\" \r\n\r\n3. Say, \"Interesting... more floaters than sinkers.\" \r\n\r\n2. After flushing, say, \"Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?\" \r\n\r\n1. Fill a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, \"Whoa! Easy boy!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1737,
"title": "Top 14 Fun Things To Do In A Public Bathroom"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat that she is on both sides of the family!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1738,
"title": "So... fat"
},
{
"body": "One day a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were hiking when they came across a cliff.\r\nThere was no bridge and they couldn't think of anyother way to get across so they decided to turn around and go back. Just then a magical fairy appeared and said that they could turn into anything they wanted to help them get across the cliff, all they had to do was run, jump, and say the name of it. The brunette ran and jumped and yelled out, \"Eagle,\" and she soared across the cliff. The redhead ran and jumped then yelled, \"Hawk,\" and flew across to the other side. Then it was the blonde's turn she ran and jumped. When she was in mid air, she forgot what she was going to say and yelled \"O crap!\"....",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1740,
"title": "The Cliff"
},
{
"body": "This lonely little boy was sitting at home, and he recently discovered the noises and smells that can emit from his body in the form of a fart.\r\n\r\nSo the bored little boy decided to travel the world looking for the best fart,\r\n\r\nHe went to Canada and realized that the cold temperature caused the farts to be really short.\r\n\r\nHe went to Mexico and realized all the spicy foods caused really uncomfortable farts.\r\n\r\nAll other parts of the world had interesting farts but not what the boy was looking for.\r\n\r\nFeeling that he failed, the boy went back home after his yearly trips around the world, only to walk in on his mom bending over into an oven attempting to pull a cake out.\r\n\r\nIn the middle of her attempt she ripped the biggest fart in the world,\r\n\r\nThe boy was immediately excited he found the best fart,\r\n\r\nWhich proves the moral of the story\r\nHOME IS WHERE THE FART IS!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1741,
"title": "AAAAAAAAHHHH smells like freshness"
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, \"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -Cold As Ever.'\"\r\n \r\n\"Yeah?!\" she replies. \"When you die, I'm getting\r\nyou a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -Stiff At Last.'\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1743,
"title": "40th anniversary"
},
{
"body": "A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, \"Please tell my\r\nhusband.\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 80-year-old husband replied, \"Which days?\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor answered, \"Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal.\r\n\r\nThe husband said, \"I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1746,
"title": "Need More Excercise"
},
{
"body": "All the little rascals sat down for class, and the teacher decided to start off the day with a spelling quiz.\r\n\r\nThe teacher first asked Darla, \"Darla, can you spell dumb?\"\r\n\r\n\"D-u-m-b,\" said Darla\r\n\r\nThe teacher then said, \"Can you use it in a sentence?\"\r\n\r\n\"Buckwheat is dumb.\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay, can you spell stupid?\" said the teacher.\r\n\r\n\"S-t-u-p-i-d.\"\r\n\r\n\"Can you use it in a sentence?\"\r\n\r\n\"Buckwheat is stupid.\"\r\n\r\n\"Buckwheat, can you spell dictate?\"\r\n\r\n\"D-i-c-t-a-t-e.\"\r\n\r\n\"Can you use it in a sentence?\"\r\n\r\n\"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1747,
"title": "Buckwheat & Darla"
},
{
"body": "In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it in front of the apples. The note read: \"Take only one, God is watching.\" \r\n\r\nFurther down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies... \r\n\r\nOne of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front of the cookies read: \"Take all you want, God is watching the apples.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1753,
"title": "God is Watching"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.\r\n The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him.\r\n Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.\r\n\r\n\"So did you follow him?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I did.\"\r\n\r\n\"And...where did he go?\"\r\n\r\n\"Over to your house...\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1754,
"title": "Buying Condoms"
},
{
"body": "I woke up one morning knowing I was going to have a bad day. \r\n\r\nI went to put on my shirt, but when i picked it up, one of the buttons fell off. When i went to put on my pants the button fell off of them too. I went downstairs to eat my breakfast, my toast fell off the plate. By then i was getting very frustrated. I picked up my brief case, and as you have guessed by now, something fell off. \r\n\r\nI decided to walk to work. When I got in I told my boss, \"I've really got to use the bathroom.\" \r\n\r\nHe said, \"Why didn't you use it at home?\" \r\n\r\nI replied, \"Because everything I touched, something fell off so I'm afraid.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1755,
"title": "Watered Down"
},
{
"body": "A while back, over in Great Britain, a woman complained to the telephone company about her phone. Sometimes, it would not ring when someone called. \r\n\r\nThe strange part, she said, was that when it did ring, the ring was invariably preceded by her dog barking. So she was convinced she had a broken telephone and a psychic dog. \r\n\r\nNow, in Britain, the ring signal is a high-voltage low-ampere current sent from the local office to the phone. The wire which carries this signal is run from the pole to a large metal spike in the yard, which grounds the circuit. \r\n\r\nIn order to isolate the problem, the phone company sent a repairman out to climb the pole and manually send the signal down the wire. Sure enough, when he did this, nothing happened the first time. The second time, the dog barked just before the phone rang. \r\n\r\nInvestigation revealed that the dog was chained (with an iron chain) to the spike that grounded the circuit. So this is what was happening: the ground was dry, preventing the ring signal from grounding itself easily through the spike, so the current ran down the chain to the dog, paralyzing him. \r\n\r\nWhen the current released the dog, he yelped and urinated, which wet the ground, so that the second ring signal made it through and the phone rang.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1763,
"title": "Ringing Dog"
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all in a red ferari speeding down a country road being chased by a squad car.\r\n\r\nThey try to lose him by darting into a forest behind a farm.\r\n\r\nThe trio ditch the car and decide to each hide in three burlap sacs on the ground.\r\n\r\nThe cop who was really close on their tail went up to each sac.\r\n\r\nThe cop kicked the first sac and the brunette inside said;\r\n\r\n\"Woof woof\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh it's just a dog.\"\r\n\r\nThen he kicked the second sac,\r\n\r\nInside that sack the redhead said;\r\n\r\n\"Meow Meow\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, it's just a kitten.\r\n\r\nThen the cop went up to the third sac with the blonde inside and kicked it\r\n\r\nThe blonde said\r\n\r\n\"Potato potato\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1764,
"title": "High Speed Chase"
},
{
"body": "'The Romance of Leprosy', E Mackerchar 1949\r\n\r\n'Why bring that up? a guide to seasickness', J F Montague 1936\r\n\r\n'Penetrating Wagner's Ring', John L Di Gaetanao 1978\r\n\r\n'Constipation & our Civilization', J C Thomson 1943\r\n\r\n'A pictorial book of tongue coating', Anon 1981\r\n\r\n'A Government committee of Enquiry on the Light metal artificial Leg', Captain Henery Hulme & Chisholm Baird 1923\r\n\r\n'Daddy was an undertaker', McDill, McGown & Gassman 1952\r\n\r\n'Amputation Stumps: Their care & after-treatment', Sir Godfrey Martin Huggins 1918\r\n\r\n'A Study of Masturbation & its reputed Sequelae', J F W Meagher 1924\r\n\r\n'Sex after Death', B J Ferrell & D E Frey 1983",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1768,
"title": "These are real books you can buy"
},
{
"body": "\"He who laughs last, doesn't get the joke.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1769,
"title": "Laugh"
},
{
"body": "If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1770,
"title": "Barbie"
},
{
"body": "There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can not!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1771,
"title": "Math"
},
{
"body": "Vacation begins when dad says. \"I know a shortcut\"!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1772,
"title": "Vacation"
},
{
"body": "Energizer Bunny arrested... charged with battery.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1773,
"title": "Energizer"
},
{
"body": "Lottery, a tax on people who can't do math",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1774,
"title": "Lottery"
},
{
"body": "all generalizations are false",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1775,
"title": "Generalizations"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, and you so poor, she stepped in your house and the tires popped.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1777,
"title": "You So Poor"
},
{
"body": "Eat right, stay fit, die anyway!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1778,
"title": "Stay Fit"
},
{
"body": "IRS... we've got what it takes, to take what you've got",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1780,
"title": "IRS"
},
{
"body": "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1781,
"title": "Laugh"
},
{
"body": "DNA, national dyslexic association",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1783,
"title": "DNA"
},
{
"body": "Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1784,
"title": "Kids"
},
{
"body": "I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1786,
"title": "Insanity"
},
{
"body": "No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1787,
"title": "Listening"
},
{
"body": "Dyslexics of the world, untie!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1789,
"title": "Dyslexics"
},
{
"body": "DARE, to keep cops off donuts",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1790,
"title": "DARE"
},
{
"body": "On the other hand, you have different fingers.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1792,
"title": "On the Other Hand"
},
{
"body": "Save a tree, eat a beaver!!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1795,
"title": "Beaver"
},
{
"body": "Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1796,
"title": "Fool"
},
{
"body": "Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1797,
"title": "Grumpy"
},
{
"body": "Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1798,
"title": "Unique"
},
{
"body": "Always go to other peoples funerals, or they wont come to yours.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1799,
"title": "Funerals"
},
{
"body": "Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1800,
"title": "Walking"
},
{
"body": "Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1801,
"title": "Bills"
},
{
"body": "Nobody's perfect-I'm a nobody.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1803,
"title": "Nobody"
},
{
"body": "Ask me about my vow of silence..",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1804,
"title": "Silence"
},
{
"body": "Courdory pillows--they're making headlines.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1805,
"title": "Courdory"
},
{
"body": "What is another word for Thesaurus?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1806,
"title": "Thesaurus"
},
{
"body": "The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1807,
"title": "Butter"
},
{
"body": "How many gay people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\n8, one to screw it in, and seven to stand back and say \"Fabulous!\"",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 1808,
"title": "How many gays?"
},
{
"body": "The bandage was wound around the wound.\r\n\r\nThe farm was used to produce produce.\r\n\r\nThe dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse\r\n\r\nWe must polish the Polish furniture.\r\n\r\nHe could lead if he would get the lead out.\r\n\r\nThe soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.\r\n\r\nSince there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.\r\n\r\nA bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.\r\n\r\nWhen shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.\r\n\r\nI did not object to the object.\r\n\r\nThe insurance was invalid for the invalid.\r\n\r\nThere was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.\r\n\r\nThey were too close to the door to close it.\r\n\r\nThe buck does funny things when the does are present.\r\n\r\nA seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.\r\n\r\nTo help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.\r\n\r\nThe wind was too strong to wind the sail.\r\n\r\nAfter a number of injections my jaw got number.\r\n\r\nUpon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.\r\n\r\nI had to subject the subject to a series of tests.\r\n\r\nHow can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1809,
"title": "Difficult English"
},
{
"body": "-The Vain Person\r\nOne who loves the smell of his own farts.\r\n-The Amiable Person\r\nOne who loves the smell of other people's farts.\r\n-The Proud Person\r\nOne who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.\r\n-The Shy Person\r\nOne who releases silent farts then blushes.\r\n-The Imprudent Person\r\nOne who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.\r\n-The Unfortunate Person\r\nOne who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.\r\n-The Scientific Person\r\nOne who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.\r\n-The Nervous Person\r\nOne who stops in the middle of a fart.\r\n-The Honest Person\r\nOne who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.\r\n-The Dishonest Person\r\nOne who farts but blames the dog.\r\n-The Foolish Person\r\nOne who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.\r\n-The Thrifty Person\r\nOne who always has several farts in reserve.\r\n-The Anti-Social Person\r\nOne who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.\r\n-The Strategic Person\r\nOne who conceals his farts with loud coughing.\r\n-The Sadistic Person\r\nOne who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.\r\n-The Intelligent Person\r\nOne who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1810,
"title": "Farting People"
},
{
"body": "There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1811,
"title": "No Pun"
},
{
"body": "10. Conversations often begin with \"Put the gun down, and then we can talk.\"\r\n\r\n9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.\r\n\r\n8. The cat is on Valium.\r\n\r\n7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.\r\n\r\n6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.\r\n\r\n5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.\r\n\r\n4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.\r\n\r\n3. \"Family meetings\" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.\r\n\r\n2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.\r\n\r\n1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1812,
"title": "Top 10 signs your family is stressed"
},
{
"body": "1. Your boss is always yelling, \"I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!\"\r\n\r\n2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.\r\n\r\n3. \"I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.\"\r\n\r\n4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.\r\n\r\n5. You want to see if it's like the dream.\r\n\r\n6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add \"Exotic Dancer\" to your exaggerated resume.\r\n\r\n7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.\r\n\r\n8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.\r\n\r\n9. Gives \"bad hair day\" a whole new meaning.\r\n\r\n10. No one steals your chair.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1813,
"title": "Ten Reasons to go to Work Naked"
},
{
"body": "Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, \"Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah.\" \r\n\r\nSarah said, \"Cows have spots.\" \r\n\r\nTerrence said, ''Baseball is a sport.\" \r\n\r\nCarla said, \"Computers are electronic.\" \r\n\r\nBobby said, \"Urinate.\" \r\n\r\nMrs. Flebs said, \"Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence.\" \r\n\r\nBobby said, \"Not urinate, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1814,
"title": "Urinate"
},
{
"body": "There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. \r\n One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. \r\n But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. \r\n One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off singing - \r\n \"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1816,
"title": "Lorraine"
},
{
"body": "Q: What is the definition of a sick bird?\r\n\r\nA: Illegal",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1818,
"title": "Sick Bird"
},
{
"body": "Veronica: Nurse, I am losing my hair!\r\nNurse: Okay, what size paper bag do you need?",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1821,
"title": "Nurse Nurse"
},
{
"body": "Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother: \"Why is the bride dressed in white?\" \r\n\"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,\" her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. \r\nThe child thought about this for a moment, then said: \"So then why is the groom wearing black?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1822,
"title": "White Wedding"
},
{
"body": "A lil boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, \"Where`s Mom and Dad? \" and she replied, \"They`re up in bed,\" so the lil boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. \r\nThen he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma \"Where`s Mom and Dad?\" and she replied, \"They`re still up in bed,\" and the lil boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. \r\nThen the lil boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, \"Where`s Mom and Dad?\" and his grandmother replied \"They`re still up in bed\" and the little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, \"What give's? Every time I tell you they`re still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?\" \r\nThe little boy replied, \"Well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1823,
"title": "Clever lil boy"
},
{
"body": "Her name was Virginia. They called her Virgin for short, but not for long!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1824,
"title": "Virginia"
},
{
"body": "And out of the night came the terrible scream,\r\n\"Who put the sand in the Vaseline!?\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1825,
"title": "Vaseline"
},
{
"body": "If my dog was as ugly as your mom, I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1828,
"title": "Dog Ugly"
},
{
"body": "A woman, calling a local hospital, said, \"Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse\". The voice on the other end of the line said, \"What is the patient's name and room number?\" She said, \"Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.\" \"I will connect you with the nursing station.\" \r\n\"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?\" \r\n\"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302.\" \r\n\"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be \r\ntaken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock.\" \r\nThe woman said, \"Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic ...that's wonderful news!\" \r\nThe nurse said, \"From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!\" \"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit!!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1830,
"title": "Hospital Privacy"
},
{
"body": "A blonde missed a 44 bus so she took the 22 bus twice!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1832,
"title": "Bus"
},
{
"body": "A panda walks into a bar and eats lunch. When he is finished he shoots the waiter and leaves. \r\n\r\nThe owner ran after the panda and asked him why he did such and thing. The panda replied, \"Look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary.\" \r\n\r\nThe owner did so and it read, \"Panadas are black and white animals. They eat shoots and leaves.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1835,
"title": "Panda"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo?\r\n\r\nA: A jump rope",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1836,
"title": "Snake and a Kangaroo"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?\r\n\r\nA: A sweater with pockets",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1837,
"title": "Kangaroo and a Sheep"
},
{
"body": "All the boys and girls in Mrs. Dovers class are drawing. Mrs. Dover came over to Tommy and said, \"What picture are you drawing?\" Tommy said, \"A cow eating grass.\" \"Ok, where's the grass?\" \"The cow ate it all.\" \"Ok, where's the cow?\" \"He went to go look for more grass.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1838,
"title": "Cow Eating Grass"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between two yards?\r\n\r\n\r\nA. Usually a fence.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1839,
"title": "One Fence and Another"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock?\r\nWho's there?\r\nMegan\r\nMegan who?\r\nMakin a list chekin it twice gonna find out who's naughty or nice.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 1840,
"title": "Megan"
},
{
"body": "When physics meets Star Wars: \r\n\r\nMay the net force be with you!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1841,
"title": "Physics meets Star Wars"
},
{
"body": "1. Q: What would you do if a cheetah charged you?\r\n A: Pay him cash. (But don't worry. He accepts credit cards too.)\r\n\r\n2. Q: Who went into the tiger's lair and came out alive?\r\n A: The tiger.\r\n\r\n3. Q: If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped off, how many are still on the boat?\r\n A: None- they were all copy cats.\r\n\r\n4: Q: What has four legs and two eyes but sees just as well from both ends?\r\n A: A tiger with its eyes closed.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1842,
"title": "Big Cats"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did piglet look in the toilet?\r\nA: He was looking for Pooh (poo)",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1843,
"title": "Piglet and the Toilet"
},
{
"body": "There were 3 tomatoes. A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started to fall behind and the papa tomato called over to him and said, \"Ketchup!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1846,
"title": "Tomato Family"
},
{
"body": "All lazy peoples' slogan must be \"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.\" \r\n\r\nBut fear not for all of you who wake up early just keep this in mind:\r\n\r\nThe first cat gets the mouse.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1847,
"title": "Well that's no good"
},
{
"body": "A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: \"I would like to buy a pink curtain that's the size of my computer screen\". The surprised salesman replies: \"But, madam, computers do not need curtains....\"\r\n\r\nAnd the blonde said:\r\n\r\n\"Helloooo.... I've got Windows!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1848,
"title": "Blonde Buys Curtains"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock!\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nYo da lay he.\r\n\r\nYo da lay he who?\r\n\r\nI didn't know you could yodel!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 1850,
"title": "Yo da lay he"
},
{
"body": "A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.\r\n\r\n Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.\r\n\r\nAt that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, \"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ...I'm a gynecologist.\"\r\n\r\nAt that point, the proctologist fainted.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1851,
"title": "The Funeral"
},
{
"body": "Adam and Eve said, \"Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.\" \r\n \r\n And God said, \"No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.\" \r\n \r\n And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. \r\n \r\nAnd it was a good animal. \r\n\r\n And God was pleased. \r\n\r\n And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. \r\n\r\nAnd Adam said, \"Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.\" \r\n \r\n And God said, \"No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.\" \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. \r\n \r\n And they were comforted. \r\n \r\n And God was pleased. \r\n\r\n And Dog was content and wagged his tail. \r\n\r\nAfter a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, \"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.\" \r\n \r\n And God said, \"No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.\" \r\n\r\n And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. \r\n\r\nAnd Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. \r\n\r\nAnd Adam and Eve learned humility. \r\n\r\nAnd they were greatly improved.\r\n\r\nAnd God was pleased. \r\n \r\nAnd Dog was happy. \r\n~\r\n~\r\n~\r\n~\r\n~\r\n~\r\n~\r\n\r\nAnd Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1852,
"title": "Where Pets Came From"
},
{
"body": "A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new girlfriend's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.\r\n \r\nAccompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Debenham's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the assistant mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties. \r\n\r\nWithout checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his girlfriend with the following note: \r\n\r\n\"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. \r\n If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.\r\n I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. \r\n Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!\"\r\n\r\nAll my love...... \r\n\r\nP.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1853,
"title": "Birthday Present"
},
{
"body": "1. Look at the size of his putter. \r\n2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent. \r\n3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker. \r\n4. After 18 holes I can barely walk. \r\n5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. \r\n6. Lift your head and spread your legs. \r\n7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired. \r\n8. Just turn your back and drop it. \r\n9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls. \r\n10. Damn, I missed the hole again.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 1854,
"title": "10 Things in Golf that sound dirty"
},
{
"body": "A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' \r\nThe driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' \r\n\r\nThe kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!'' \r\n\r\nThe kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1855,
"title": "Annoying Boy on Bus"
},
{
"body": "Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? \r\nBecause her mother told her never to talk to strangers.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1857,
"title": "Talking Blondes"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's black, blue, brown and laying in a ditch? \r\nA: A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1858,
"title": "What's Black and blue......?"
},
{
"body": "A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears with an otoscope, he asked, \"Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?\" \r\n\r\nThe little girl stayed silent. \r\n\r\nNext, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, \"Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?\" \r\n\r\nAgain, the little girl was silent. \r\n\r\nThen the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, \"Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, no!\" the little girl replied. \"Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1859,
"title": "Barney"
},
{
"body": "A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, \"$500 Porsche! New!\" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.' \r\n\r\nSo he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche. \r\n\r\n\"Wow!\" the man said, \"Can I take it for a test drive?\" \r\n\r\n\"Sure,\" answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. \r\n\r\nWhen he got back to the lady's house, he asked her, \"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?\" \r\n\r\nThen the lady replied with a laugh, \"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1861,
"title": "Jealousy"
},
{
"body": "A man left for work one Friday afternoon, but since it was payday, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck instead of just going straight home. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and a two-hour tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply asked, \"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?\"\r\n\r\nThe man replied, \"That would be fine with me.\"\r\n\r\nMonday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough that he could see her a little bit out of the corner of his left eye.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1862,
"title": "Very Angry Wife"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\nWho's There?\r\nRita\r\nRita who?\r\nRita book, you might learn something!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 1863,
"title": "Rita"
},
{
"body": "1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. \r\n2. \"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.\" \r\n3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! \r\n4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? \r\n5. Hand me that...uh...that uh...that thingy there. \r\n6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex? \r\n7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? \r\n8. There go the lights again? \r\n9. \"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. And this guy's got two of 'em.\" \r\n10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! \r\n11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration. \r\n12. What's this doing here? \r\n13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. \r\n14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?! \r\n15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. \r\n16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right? \r\n17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?! \r\n18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. \r\n19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? \r\n20. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card? \r\n21. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. \r\n22. What do you mean \"You want a divorce?!?\" \r\n23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! \r\n24. Hey! Page 47 of the manual is missing! \r\n25. Oopsies.\r\n26. No MY bad!\r\n27. Oh crap...\r\n28. Did I do that...\r\n29. Wait...that's not supposed to be there...is it?\r\n30. Not again...",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1864,
"title": "Thing's you don't want to hear during surgery"
},
{
"body": "Q. What do you call a guy that sits on your doorstep?\r\n\r\nA. A Matt.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1865,
"title": "What Do You Call..."
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call a guy with a Spade in his head?\r\n\r\nA: Doug.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a guy without a spade in his head?\r\n\r\nA: Douglas",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1866,
"title": "What Do You Call."
},
{
"body": "Question: Who am I if I have 73 eyes, 4 noses, 8 heads, 139 arms, 78 legs and 100, 000, 000 lips?\r\nAnswer: A liar.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1868,
"title": "Who Am I?"
},
{
"body": "Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Johnny a three-year-old had a lot of problems with potty training and his mother was with him constantly. One day they stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying her taco, the mother smelled something funny, so of course she checked her seven-month-old daughter and she was clean. Then Mom realized that Johnny had not asked to go potty in a while, so she asked him if he needed to go, and he said \"No.\" She kept thinking, \"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.\" Then she said, \"Johnny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?\" \"No,\" he replied. she just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! she asked one more time, \"Johnny, did you have an accident?\" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. \"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!\" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1869,
"title": "Whats that smell?"
},
{
"body": "A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: \r\n\r\n''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.'' \r\n\r\n''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.'' \r\n\r\n''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1870,
"title": "Two Italians on a Bus"
},
{
"body": "A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. \r\n\r\nAn older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. \r\n\r\nThe older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, \"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?\" \r\n\r\nThe new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. \r\n\r\n\"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1871,
"title": "The New Doctor"
},
{
"body": "One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, \"What setting do I use on the washing machine?\" \r\n\r\n\"It depends,\" she replied. \"What does it say on your shirt?\"\r\n\r\nHe yelled back, \"University of Oklahoma.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1872,
"title": "Laundry"
},
{
"body": "1) Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos -- you never know what's going to burn your butt.\r\n\r\n2) I love deadlines. I especially like the \"whooshing\" sound they make as they go flying by.\r\n\r\n3) Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.\r\n\r\n4) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.\r\n\r\n5) I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.\r\n\r\n6) Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?\r\n\r\n7) My reality check bounced.\r\n\r\n8) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.\r\n\r\n9) I don't suffer from stress; I am a carrier!\r\n\r\n10) You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.\r\n\r\n11) Everyone is someone else's weirdo.\r\n\r\n12) Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.\r\n\r\n13) Be careful, a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.\r\n\r\n14) Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.\r\n\r\n15) The more bull you put up with the more bull you are going to get.\r\n\r\n16) You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.\r\n\r\n17) So this isn't Home Sweet Home. ADJUST!!!\r\n\r\n18) Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!\r\n\r\n19) I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.\r\n\r\n20) Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.\r\n\r\n21) I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.\r\n\r\n22) What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!\r\n\r\n23) How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine?... It's the one with bite marks on the cap!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1873,
"title": "Life"
},
{
"body": "A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, \"It's a lot of money!\" \r\nAfter much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) \r\nThe bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, \"$165,000!\" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, \"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. \"Where did you get this money?\" \r\nThe old lady replied, \"I make bets.\" The president then asked, \"Bets? What kind of bets?\" \r\nThe old woman said, \"Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.\" \r\n\"Ha!\" laughed the president, \"That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!\" \r\nThe old lady challenged, \"So, would you like to take my bet?\" \"Sure,\" said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!\" \r\nThe little old lady then said, \"Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?\" \r\n\"Sure!\" replied the confident president. \r\nThat night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. \r\nThe next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: \"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!\" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and ! then asked if she could feel them. \r\n\"Well, Okay,\" said the president, \"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.\" Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, \"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?\" She replied, \"Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1874,
"title": "The betting Old Lady"
},
{
"body": "Yo daddy so bald he has to have holes in his pocket to finger through his hair.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1875,
"title": "Yo daddy so bald"
},
{
"body": "1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.\r\n2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized? \r\n3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in. \r\n4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays? \r\n5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1877,
"title": "5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines"
},
{
"body": "A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. \r\n\r\n\"Pardon me,\" she said, \"I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently.\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm very sorry,\" replied the young man, \"Is there anything I can do for you?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" she said. \"As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better.\" \r\n\r\n\"Sure,\" answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, \"Goodbye mother!\" \r\n\r\nAs he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. \"How can that be?\" he asked, \"I only purchased a few things!\" \r\n\r\n\"Your mother said that you would pay for her,\" said the clerk.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1881,
"title": "Goodbye Mother"
},
{
"body": "Why is the letter E like London?\r\n\r\n Because it is the Capital of England",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1882,
"title": "The letter E"
},
{
"body": "What disasters would happen if a waiter dropped a plate of turkey?\r\n\r\n\r\nThe downfall of Greece, the overthrow of Turkey and the break up of China",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 1884,
"title": " a waiter"
},
{
"body": "What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? \r\n\"Would you like fries with that?\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 1887,
"title": "Blondes At College"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock?\r\nWho's there?\r\nAlison.\r\nAlison who?\r\nAlison (I listen) to the radio sometimes!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 1890,
"title": "Alison"
},
{
"body": "A man is walking down the street. Further down the street he notices Little Johnny. Little Johnny is sitting in a red wagon, wearing a fireman's hat. The wagon is tied to a dog, by its balls. \r\n\r\nThe man says to LittleJohnny \"Little Johnny you could go alot further, if you tied the rope around the dogs neck.\" \r\n\r\nLittle Johnny replies \"If I did that, I wouldn't have a siren\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1892,
"title": "Little Johnny and his wagon"
},
{
"body": "A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough Ponds.\r\nWhen she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. \r\nWhen asked if she used it, the answer was \"Yes.\"\r\nAsked how she used it, she said, \"To assist sexual intercourse.\" The interviewer was amazed. He said, \"I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?\" \r\n\"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1893,
"title": "Vaseline"
},
{
"body": "Once there was a girl who wanted larger breasts, so one day she went to see her doctor, Dr. Smith. \r\n\r\nDr. Smith told her to rub her breasts and repeat the following: \"SCOOBIE,DOOBIE,LOOBIE, I WANT BIGGER BOOBIES\".\r\n\r\nOne day she was running late, and decided to do her exercises on the bus when a guy came up to her and asked if she was a patient of Dr. Smith's, to which she replied: \"Yes, how did you know?\".\r\n\r\nHe replied \"HICKORY DICKORY DOC!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1894,
"title": "Enlargement"
},
{
"body": "A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow the car because he has a hot date. The dad says, ''Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair.'' \r\nThe boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, ''Dad, Jesus had long hair...''\r\n\r\nAnd the dad replied, ''Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went too, didn''t he?''",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1896,
"title": "May I borrow the car?"
},
{
"body": "A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.\r\n\r\nAfter his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, \"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.\" \r\n\"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.\" \r\n\r\nOn the way home, the husband asked his wife. \"What did the doctor say?\"\r\n\r\n\"He said you're going to die,\" she replied.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1897,
"title": "Doctor's Orders"
},
{
"body": "Yo' mama so poor, all she got you for Christmas was a video of other kids playin' with their toys!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1898,
"title": "Poor Christmas"
},
{
"body": "What does it mean when a blonde is saying,\r\n\r\n\"yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no?\"\r\n\r\nShe's testing if her brunette friend's turn signal is working!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1900,
"title": "Car Trouble"
},
{
"body": "A man walks in to an auto store and asks the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. The blonde says,\"I'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet supplies.\"",
"category": "Blonde",
"id": 1901,
"title": "Blonde Cashier"
},
{
"body": "1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. \r\n\r\n2. If they start out with, \"How are you today?\" say, \"I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . \" \r\n\r\n3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. \r\n\r\n4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: \"Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company.\" You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, \"What are you wearing?\" \r\n\r\n5. Cry out in surprise, \"Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?\" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. \r\n\r\n6. Say \"No\" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. \r\n\r\n7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, \"I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?\" \r\n\r\n8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: \"Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?\" \r\n\r\n9. After the telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. \r\n\r\n10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees. \r\n\r\n11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, \"Oh my God!\" and then hang up. \r\n\r\n12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, \"I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?\" The telemarketer will agree and you say, \"Me neither!\" Hang up. \r\n\r\n13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. \r\n\r\n14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. \r\n\r\n15. Tell the telemarketer you are on \"home incarceration\" and ask if they could bring you some beer. \r\n\r\n16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. \r\n\r\n17. Tell the telemarketer, \"Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes.\" \r\n\r\n18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. \"Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?\" \r\n\r\n19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . . \r\n\r\n20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1902,
"title": "Things to say to Telemarketers"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. \r\n\r\nLittle Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby, so Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. \r\n\r\nHe said, \"Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home.\" \r\n\r\n\"I promise not to mention his ears at all,\" said Little Johnny.\r\n\r\nAt the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, \"Oh, what a beautiful little baby!\" \r\n\r\nThe mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, \"Thank you very much, Little Johnny.\" \r\n\r\nHe then said, \"This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?\" \r\n\r\nThe mother, a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies \"Why, yes ... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?\" \r\n\r\nLittle Johnny said, \"Well, it's a good thing, cause he sure as shit can't wear glasses.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1903,
"title": "Little Johnny"
},
{
"body": "On the first day God created the cow. God said, \"You must go to the field, with the farmer, all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.\" \r\n\r\nThe cow said, \"That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty.\" God agreed. \r\n\r\nOn the second day, God created the dog. God said, \"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.\" \r\n\r\nThe dog said, \"That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten.\" So God agreed (sigh). \r\n\r\nOn the third day, God created the monkey. God said, \"Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span.\" \r\n\r\nMonkey said, \"How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?\" God agreed again. \r\n\r\nOn the fourth day God created man. God said, \"Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years.\" \r\n\r\nMan said, \"What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?\" \"Okay,\" said God. \"You've got a deal.\" \r\n\r\nSo that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1904,
"title": "Our Lives"
},
{
"body": "From: [langalist] LangaList Standard Edition 2003-07-24\r\n\r\nJust For Grins\r\n\r\n1. Coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.\r\n2. Flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained.\r\n3. Abdicate (v), to give up hope of ever having a flat stomach.\r\n4. Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation when drunk.\r\n5. Willy-nilly (adj), impotent.\r\n6. Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.\r\n7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.\r\n8. Gargoyle (n), an olive flavoured mouthwash.\r\n9. Flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.\r\n10. Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.\r\n11. Testicle (n), a humorous question in an exam.\r\n12. Rectitude (n), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.\r\n13. Oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.\r\n14. Frisbeetarianism (n), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.\r\n15. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1905,
"title": "Their Real Definitions"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a jailer and a jeweler?\r\n\r\nOne sells watches, one watches cells!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1907,
"title": "Watches"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so stupid she threw a clock out the window to see time fly.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1908,
"title": "Time Fly"
},
{
"body": "Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room?\r\n\r\nSo she could use it as a mirror!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1909,
"title": "Mirror"
},
{
"body": "A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, \"What's so funny, Pat?\" \r\n\"I just saw one of your garters!\" \r\n\r\n\"Get out of my classroom,\" she yells, \"I don't want to see you for three days!\" \r\n\r\nThe teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, \"What's so funny, Billy?\" \r\n\r\n\"I just saw both of your garters!\" \r\n\r\nAgain, she yells, \"Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe; I don't want to see you for three weeks!\" \r\n\r\nEmbarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns, to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. \r\n\r\n\"Where do you think you're going?\" she asks. \r\n\r\n\"From what I just saw, my school days are over!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1910,
"title": "Teaching Some Bad Kids"
},
{
"body": "It was recess and the pre-schoolers came in. The teacher asked Susie what she did today. ''Well, I played in the sandbox,'' she said. The teacher said, ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie.'' So Susie did. \r\nThen Billy came in and the teacher asked what he did. ''I played in the sandbox with Susie,'' he said. ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie,'' the teacher said. So Billy did. \r\n\r\nThen the little Russian boy said, ''Well, I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Billy and Susie were throwing rocks at me.'' \r\n\r\nThe teacher said, ''Well, that sounds like discrimination. If you can spell that, I'll give you a cookie.''",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1911,
"title": "Discrimination"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so stupid that she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1915,
"title": "Make up"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on? \r\nA: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1917,
"title": "Pepsi Cap"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so short, she did a suicide jump off of the curb.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1918,
"title": "Shorty"
},
{
"body": "Your IQ is so low, you have to dig for it!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 1919,
"title": "I.Q."
},
{
"body": "At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, \"We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement.\" \r\nThen the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. \"The string is for us to go to the bathroom,\" explained the waiter, \"that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands.\" \r\n\r\nThe customer asked, \"Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?\" \r\n\r\nThe waiter whispered confidentially, \"I don't know about the others, but I use the two spoons.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1920,
"title": "Waiters and Spoons"
},
{
"body": "It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 1921,
"title": "Pockets"
},
{
"body": "How did the redneck die drinking milk? \r\nThe cow sat on him!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 1923,
"title": "Redneck Milk"
},
{
"body": "Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.\r\n\r\nAfter conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.\r\n\r\n\"Who is it?\" calls one of the nuns. \r\n\r\n\"Blind man,\" replies a voice from the other side of the door.\r\n\r\nThe two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.\r\n\"Nice gazongas,\" says the man, \"where do you want these blinds?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1925,
"title": "Nuns and a Blind Man"
},
{
"body": "Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and everyone elses' stinks.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1926,
"title": "Opinions"
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? \r\nOne less drunk.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1927,
"title": "Irish"
},
{
"body": "(I know some people may not consider this a joke but it is still funny, the results at the bottom are funny to! ENJOY!)\r\n\r\nIntelligence Test Instructions: \r\n\r\n\r\nWrite each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10 minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you ready? What is the time? \r\n\r\nStart. \r\n\r\n\r\n1) Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days? ____________________ \r\n\r\n2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________ \r\n\r\n3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awoken by the alarm? ____________________ \r\n\r\n4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?____________________ \r\n\r\n5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left? ___________________ \r\n\r\n6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first? ____________________ \r\n\r\n7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear? ____________________ \r\n\r\n8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have? ___________________ \r\n\r\n9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark? ____________________ \r\n\r\n10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver? ____________________ \r\n\r\nAnswers in the following article - no cheating now! GOOD LUCK! \r\n\r\nAnswers:\r\n1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.\r\n2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock, then another at 1:30 and the last at 2 o'clock,they will be taken in 1 hour.\r\n3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.\r\n4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.\r\n5) 9 live sheep.\r\n6) The match.\r\n7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.\r\n8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?\r\n9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.\r\n10) YOU are the driver.\r\n\r\n\r\nGrading Scale (out of 10)\r\n8+: Engineer\r\n7: Student\r\n6: High school pupil\r\n5: Primary school pupil\r\n4: Teacher\r\n3: College lecturer\r\n2: University lecturer\r\n1: Member of Congress",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1928,
"title": "IQ TEST"
},
{
"body": "How do you tell that a blonde has been at a computer?\r\n\r\nThere is lipstick on the joy stick!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1929,
"title": "Computer"
},
{
"body": "There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, \"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.\" \r\nAnd so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. \r\nWell, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, \"Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her,she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. \r\nSo her friend said, \"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.\" She said, \"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.\" \r\n\"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?\" \r\n\"I sure did,\" said the wife. \"I wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1930,
"title": "The Miser"
},
{
"body": "1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. \r\n\r\n2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. \r\n\r\n3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. \r\n\r\n4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room. \r\n\r\n5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. \r\n\r\n6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. \r\n\r\n7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words \"Uh-oh,\" it's already too late. \r\n\r\n8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. \r\n\r\n9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. \r\n\r\n10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old. \r\n\r\n11. \"Play-Doh\" and \"microwave\" should never be used in the same sentence. \r\n\r\n12. Super glue is forever. \r\n\r\n13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. \r\n\r\n14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. \r\n\r\n15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. \r\n\r\n16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. \r\n\r\n17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car. \r\n\r\n18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. \r\n\r\n19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. \r\n\r\n20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy. \r\n\r\n21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1931,
"title": "Things you learn from your kids"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen? \r\nA: To draw blood.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1932,
"title": "Blonde Nurse"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat that I ran out of gas trying to drive around her.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1934,
"title": "Empty Gas Tank"
},
{
"body": "How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? \r\nWave!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1937,
"title": "One-Armed Blonde"
},
{
"body": "Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy. ''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours. Instead, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours. He almost died!'' \r\n\r\n''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, \"earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours. Instead she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!'' \r\n\r\nAll of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway. \r\n\r\n''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 1939,
"title": "Nurse Nancy"
},
{
"body": "A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. ''Put these on,'' he said to his wife. \r\nShe did and they were nearly twice her size. ''There's no way I can wear these. They're too big,'' she said. \r\n\r\n''Good, now you know who wears the pants in this family.'' \r\n\r\nFlustered, the wife takes off her panties and gives them to her husband. ''Put these on,'' she commands. \r\n\r\nThe husband looks at the small pair of panties and says, ''There's no way I can get into these.'' \r\n\r\nTo which the wife replied, ''You're right about that until you change your attitude.''",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1940,
"title": "Who is the Real Boss?"
},
{
"body": "This is an actual job application!\r\n\r\nNAME: Greg Bulmash \r\n\r\nDESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. \r\n\r\nDESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle. \r\n\r\nEDUCATION: Yes. \r\n\r\nLAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. \r\n\r\nSALARY: Less than I'm worth. \r\n\r\nMOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. \r\n\r\nREASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. \r\n\r\nHOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. \r\n\r\nPREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. \r\n\r\nDO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. \r\n\r\nMAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? \r\n\r\nDO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be \"Do you have a car that runs?\" \r\n\r\nHAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. \r\n\r\nDO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. \r\n\r\nWHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. \r\n\r\nDO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 1946,
"title": "A Job Application"
},
{
"body": "A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. \"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?\"\r\n\r\nHis father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, \"I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned.\"\r\n\r\nThe kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, \"Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?\" His\r\nmother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, \"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would.\"\r\n\r\nThen he goes to his sister's room and asks her, \"Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?\" His sister looks up and says, \"Omigod! Definitely!\"\r\n\r\nThe kid goes back to his father and says, \"Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of sluts.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1947,
"title": "Potential vs Reality"
},
{
"body": "A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him.\r\nGod replied, \"Oh, about one penny.\"\r\nThen the man asked how much an eternity was to him.\r\nGod replied, \"Oh, about a second.\"\r\nThen the man asked. \"Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life?\"\r\nGod replied, \"Sure, just wait a sec.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1948,
"title": "An Eternity Is Just A Second"
},
{
"body": "One day in summer, Jack was going to visit his friend John. When he got to his house, he saw John, who was dressed in his warmest winter coats. \r\n\"What are you doing? Are you nuts? It's the middle of summer!\" cried Jack. \r\n\r\n\"I am painting my house. And on the can, it says you must put two coats on.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1949,
"title": "Painting"
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. \r\nThe father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, \"Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?\" \r\n\r\nThe wife replied, \"I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son.\" \r\n\r\nWith that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, \"Thank God he didn't ask about the other three.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1950,
"title": "Father's Last Request"
},
{
"body": "George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below. \r\nBefore the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. \r\n\r\nThe first kid said, \"I sure would like to go to Disneyland.\" George said, \"No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One.\" \r\n\r\nThe second kid said, \"I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's.\" George said, \"I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!\" \r\n\r\nThe third kid said, \"I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!\" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, \"But you don't look like you are injured.\" \r\n\r\nThe kid says, \"I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1951,
"title": "Running For Office!"
},
{
"body": "What did the baby lightbulb say to his mother?\r\nI wuv you watts and watts!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 1952,
"title": "The Baby Lightbulb and His Mother"
},
{
"body": "Yo' Mama's teeth are so yellow, her tonsils have to wear sunglasses.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1953,
"title": "Sunglasses"
},
{
"body": "A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?'' \r\nThe loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?'' \r\n\r\n''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.'' \r\n\r\nThe loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?'' \r\n\r\nThe frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.'' \r\n\r\n''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?'' \r\n\r\n''Yeah, he's my dad.'' \r\n\r\n''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?'' \r\n\r\nThe frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?'' \r\n\r\nThe loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.'' \r\n\r\n''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.'' \r\n\r\nThe loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.'' \r\n\r\nThe manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 1954,
"title": "Kermit Jagger"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so dumb she brought toilet paper to a craps game.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1955,
"title": "Craps"
},
{
"body": "A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened. \r\n\"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron.\" \r\n\r\n\"What about the other one?\" \r\n\r\n\"They called back.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1956,
"title": "Iron Phone"
},
{
"body": "Q. What happens when you cross a Bulldog with a Shih tzu? \r\nA. You get Bullshit.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1957,
"title": "Bulldog"
},
{
"body": "What is a blonde's mating call?\r\n\r\n\r\nNEXT!!!!!!!!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1958,
"title": "Mating Call"
},
{
"body": "Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. \r\nThe first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed. \r\n\r\nTwo weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. \r\n\r\n\"Can of PAINT!\" exclaimed the minister. \r\n\r\n\"Yeah,\" said the newlywed man. \"She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.\" \r\n\r\nThe minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. \r\n\r\n\"That's okay,\" said the man. \"We're not welcome in Home Depot either.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 1959,
"title": "3 couples and Church"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so ugly when she threw a boomerang it never came back!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1960,
"title": "Boomerang"
},
{
"body": "A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, \"But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now.\" \r\n\r\nTo which the boy replied, \"What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1961,
"title": "Cats in Heaven"
},
{
"body": "Thou shall not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem. \r\n\r\nThou shall not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem. \r\n\r\nThou shall not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll. \r\n\r\nThou shall not sit in front of the television or computer monitor as thou are not transparent. \r\n\r\nThou shall not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy behind. \r\n\r\nThou shall not lie down with thy behind in thy human's face. \r\n\r\nFast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors. \r\n\r\nThou shall not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it. \r\n\r\nThou shall not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thee will fall in and trap thyself. \r\n\r\nThou shall not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down. \r\n\r\nThou shall realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity. \r\n\r\nThou shall not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow. \r\n\r\nThou shall not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house. \r\n\r\nThou shall remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat. \r\n\r\nThou shall show remorse when being scolded.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1963,
"title": "Cat Commendments"
},
{
"body": "A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch, when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, \"Do you have any last requests?\" The guy says, \"(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1965,
"title": "Scare me"
},
{
"body": "A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to an ice cream parlor together. The brunette went up and asked for a Dr. Pepper float with no ice cream. The counter man was confused, but gave her a Dr. Pepper float with no ice cream. \r\nThe redhead went up and asked for a single dip of vanilla ice cream with Pepsi poured over it. The man was really confused now. But he gave the redhead her order. \r\n\r\nThe blonde was listening to the other two women and thought that she should have a ''special order'' too. So she went up and asked for an extra-large root beer, but hold the roots.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1967,
"title": "The Blonde's Special Order"
},
{
"body": "Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!'' \r\nThe other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 1968,
"title": "One-Eyed Blonde"
},
{
"body": "A couple had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night, there would be screams and shouts from their house. \r\nThe old man often screamed these words at her in public, \"I'm sick and tired of you! When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you!\" \r\n\r\nThe old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances in the neighborhood of cats, dogs and people were blamed on him. \r\n\r\nAt the age of 80 the old guy died, and his wife put him in a casket. Later that night, she went to a bar and partied as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor asked her, \"Aren't you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?\" \r\n\r\nThe old lady calmly replied, \"Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket in face down.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1969,
"title": "Haunted Husband"
},
{
"body": "Six Most Important Men in a Woman's Life \r\n\r\nTHE DOCTOR, because he says, \"Take your clothes off.\" \r\nTHE DENTIST, because he says, \"Open wide.\" \r\nTHE HAIRDRESSER, because he says, \"Do you want them teased or blown?\" \r\nTHE MILKMAN, because he says, \"Do you want it in the back or in the front?\" \r\nTHE INTERIOR DECORATOR, because he says, \"Once it's in you'll love it.\" \r\nTHE BANKER, because he says, \"If you take it out too soon you'll lose interest.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1970,
"title": "Six Most Important Men in a Women's Life"
},
{
"body": "10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.' \r\n9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do my dad. \r\n\r\n8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on. \r\n\r\n7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing. \r\n\r\n6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's. \r\n\r\n5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building. \r\n\r\n4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: It's you. \r\n\r\n3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you. \r\n\r\n2. I'm celibate. Translation: I've sworn off only the men like you. \r\n\r\n1. Let's be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing. \r\n\r\nTop 10 Male Rejection Lines (Translated!) \r\n\r\n10. I think of you as a sister. Translation: You're ugly. \r\n\r\n9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: You're ugly. \r\n\r\n8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You're ugly. \r\n\r\n7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: You're ugly. \r\n\r\n6. I've got a girlfriend. Translation: You're ugly. \r\n\r\n5. I don't date women where I work. Translation: You're ugly. \r\n\r\n4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: You're ugly. \r\n\r\n3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: You're ugly. \r\n\r\n2. I'm celibate. Translation: You're ugly. \r\n\r\n1. Let's be friends. Translation: You're sinfully ugly.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1971,
"title": "Rejection Lines"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so dumb, she drowned during the wave at the football stadium.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 1972,
"title": "Wave"
},
{
"body": "As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, \"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.\"\r\n\r\nShe removes all her clothing and asks, \"Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?\"\r\n\r\nA man stands up, removes his shirt and says, \"Here, iron this!\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1973,
"title": "Iron this!"
},
{
"body": "How are women and a tornado alike?\r\n\r\nThey both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1974,
"title": "Women and A Tornado"
},
{
"body": "Ben Dover\r\nMike Hunt\r\nPhil McCrackin\r\nAjock Strap\r\nAnita Cock\r\nIpe Freely\r\nSeymour Buttes",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1983,
"title": "Funny Names"
},
{
"body": "HER DIARY \r\nSunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. \r\n\r\nConversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. \r\n\r\nI asked him what was wrong - he said, \"Nothing.\" \r\n\r\nI asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. \r\n\r\nOn the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. \r\n\r\nI can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, \"I love you, too.\" \r\n\r\nWhen we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. \r\n\r\nHe just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent. \r\n\r\nFinally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. \r\n\r\nI decided that I could not take it any more, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. \r\n\r\nI started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. \r\n\r\nI don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. \r\n\r\nMy life is a disaster. \r\n\r\nHIS DIARY \r\n\r\nToday the Yankees lost, but at least I got laid.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 1987,
"title": "Her Diary vs His Diary"
},
{
"body": "A little boy is leaving school at the end of the day. As he strolls along the sidewalk, a car pulls up to the curb, and a man winds down the window. \r\n\r\n\"Hey, kid, I've got candy in my car. Hop in and I'll give it to you.\" \r\n\r\n\"No. I'm not going to.\" The boy walks on. Further down the road, the car pulls over again. \r\n\r\n\"Hey there kid, if you get in my car, I'll give you all this candy, and a big bottle of cola. How about it?\" \r\n\r\n\"No way! Now leave me alone!\" The boy walks on, quickening his pace. The car again pulls over beside him. \r\n\r\n\"Look, kid, I've got a puppy at home you'd love to see. Get in and I'll take you there. You can have all the candy and the cola on the way. What d'you say to that?\" \r\n\r\nThe boy is getting agitated. He stops walking, and leans down to the car window. \r\n\r\n\"Look, I don't care what you promise me Dad. I'm NOT riding in your Lada!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 1988,
"title": "A Wise Child"
},
{
"body": "-This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. \r\n\r\n-Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early. \r\n\r\n-Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing \"Put Me In My Little Bed\" accompanied by the Pastor. \r\n\r\n-Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study. \r\n\r\n-This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. \r\n\r\n-The service will close with \"Little Drops of Water.\" One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join her. \r\n\r\n-On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper. \r\n\r\n-The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. \r\n\r\n-This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 1989,
"title": "Sentences Which Actually Appeared In A Church Bullentin"
},
{
"body": "A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50. \r\n\r\n\"Why so little?\" she asked the pet store owner. \r\n\r\nThe owner looked at her and said, \"Look, I should tell you first ... that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff.\" \r\n\r\nThe woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. \r\n\r\nThe bird carefully looked around the room, then it looked at her and said, \"New house ... new madam.\" The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, \"That's not so bad.\"\r\n\r\n When her two teenage daughters returned from school the parrot looked at both of them, and said, \"New house ... new madam ... new hookers.\" \r\n\r\nThe girls were at first a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the whole situation. She then began to think about how to explain this to Keith, her husband. \r\n\r\nMoments later, the woman's husband came home from work. Before he had time to close the door, the bird took one look at him and said, \"Hi Keith.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 1991,
"title": "The Parrot"
},
{
"body": "As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.\r\n\r\nTo his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife \"What's up with all the notes?\", to his wife which replies, \"Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 1993,
"title": "Saving Money"
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad. \r\n\r\nGolf pro: \"Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts\". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. \r\n\r\nThe golf pro says \"Excellent!\" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. \r\n\r\nGolfpro: \"Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick.\" She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. \r\n\r\nGolfpro: \"Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 2000,
"title": "Golf Pro"
},
{
"body": "Two drunks get thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. \r\n\r\nThey stand there watching and after a while one of them says, \"I sure wish I could do that!\"\r\n\r\nThe other one looks at him and says, \"Well, I think I'd pet him first.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2002,
"title": "Two Drunks"
},
{
"body": "Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, \"Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. \"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand\" \"So,\" says the second drunk, \"what's your point?\" \"Well,\" says the first, \"I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 2003,
"title": "Getting Older"
},
{
"body": "The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.\r\n\r\nOne day, this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, \"I'd like to try the bet.\" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away, then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.\r\n\r\nBut the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, \"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?\" The man replied, \"I work for the IRS.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 2004,
"title": "The Lemon"
},
{
"body": "A preacher goes into a bar and says \"Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.\" Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says \"My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?\" The drunk says \"When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 2005,
"title": "Heaven"
},
{
"body": "After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. \"But sir,\" said the clerk, \"you have the best room in the hotel.\" \"I insist on another room!!!\" said the drunk. \"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?\" asked the clerk. \"Well, for one thing,\" said the drunk, \"it's on fire.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 2006,
"title": "Hotel Clerk"
},
{
"body": "A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, \"We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?\" \r\n\r\nOne day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. \r\n\r\nSo they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, \"We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?\" One male parrot said to the other, \"Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2007,
"title": "The Parrots"
},
{
"body": "On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said \"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES\". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2009,
"title": "Clean Restrooms"
},
{
"body": "The captain called the sergeant in. \"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.\" \r\n\r\nSo the sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. \"Listen up, men,\" says the sergeant. \"Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh, by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.\" \r\n\r\nLater that day the captain called the sergeant into his office. \"Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful next time?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, sir,\" answered the sarge. \r\n\r\nA few months later, the captain called the sergeant in again with, \"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.\" \r\n\r\nSo the sergeant calls for his morning formation. \"Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. Not so fast, McGrath!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2010,
"title": "Giving Sad News to a Troop"
},
{
"body": "A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.\r\n\r\nDentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?\r\n\r\nPatient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.\r\n\r\nDentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 2011,
"title": "Would you please do me a favour?"
},
{
"body": "A grasshopper walks into a bar.\r\n\r\nThe bartender smiles and says \"Hey, ya know we have a drink named after you!\"\r\n\r\nThe grasshopper stops and says \"Really? You have a drink called Steve?\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 2013,
"title": "Grasshopper"
},
{
"body": "Borrow money from a pessimist---They don't expect it back.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2014,
"title": "Pessimist"
},
{
"body": "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2015,
"title": "Conscience"
},
{
"body": "Where does Superman's goldfish live ?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIn the superbowl....",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2019,
"title": "This is Meant to be Funny in a Stupid Way"
},
{
"body": "Where does Batman's goldfish live ?\r\n\r\n\r\nIn the BAT-TUB!! ahahaha...",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2020,
"title": "This is Meant to be Funny in a Stupid Way Again"
},
{
"body": "There was an foreign man who knew a little english and lived in a hotel. One day he told the waitress \"I wanta fuck\" the waitress said \"what!!!\" I wanta fuck, I wanta fuck on the table.\" The waitress answered and said \"you better not you son of a bitch\" so the waitress left mad and never gave him a fork. The next day he went to the manager and said \"I wanta shit\" the manager said \"what!!!\" \"I wanta shit, I wanta shit on my bed\" the manager answered \"you better not you son of a bitch\" and he never got the sheet he wanted.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2022,
"title": "The Foreign Man"
},
{
"body": "An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. \"Hey,\" he says, \"What's with the steering wheel down your pants?\" \"Ach,\" says the Irish man, \"it's drivin' me nuts!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 2025,
"title": "Irish man"
},
{
"body": "Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, \"I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.\" The old man says, \"What?\" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, \"what?\" So the doctor yells it, \"I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!\" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, \"He needs a pair of your underwear!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 2030,
"title": "Underwear"
},
{
"body": "A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. He service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said \" It looks like you've blown a seal \", the man replies \"No, it's just frost on my moustache.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2031,
"title": "Blown A Seal"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a fly without wings?\r\n\r\nA walk.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2033,
"title": "Fly"
},
{
"body": "Two atoms are walking down the street when one atom says to the other, \"I think I lost an electron.\"\r\n\r\nThe other atom says \"Are you sure?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yeah I'm positive!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2034,
"title": "Atoms"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a pretty woman in Poland?\r\n\r\n\r\nA tourist",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2040,
"title": "Poland"
},
{
"body": "What is worst tasting, a bag of onions or porkloaf? \r\n\r\nPorkloaf, why? \r\n\r\nBecause porkloaf spelled backwards is faolkrop which sounds like fowl crap.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2042,
"title": "Bad Food"
},
{
"body": "10. Hey! Now there's a gift! \r\n\r\n9. Well, well, well... \r\n\r\n8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit. \r\n\r\n7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement. \r\n\r\n6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires. \r\n\r\n5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious! \r\n\r\n4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. \r\n\r\n3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program. \r\n\r\n2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity. \r\n\r\n1. I really don't deserve this",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2051,
"title": "10 Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like"
},
{
"body": "10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.\r\n\r\n9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.\r\n\r\n8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?\r\n\r\n7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.\r\n\r\n6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.\r\n\r\n5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.\r\n\r\n4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!\r\n\r\n3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?\r\n\r\n2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?\r\n\r\n1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2052,
"title": "Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents..."
},
{
"body": "UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK\r\n\r\nDRESS CODE \r\nIt is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.\r\n\r\nSICK DAYS\r\nWe will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. \r\n\r\nPERSONAL DAYS\r\nEach employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. \r\n\r\nBEREAVEMENT LEAVE\r\nThis is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.\r\n\r\nRESTROOM USE\r\nEntirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the \"Chronic Offenders\" category.\r\n\r\nLUNCH BREAK\r\nSkinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.\r\n\r\nThank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere. \r\n\r\nHave a nice week!\r\n\r\nTHE MANAGEMENT",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 2054,
"title": "Employee Handbook"
},
{
"body": "A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, \"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.\" The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. \"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.\" Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.\r\n\r\nIn a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, \"All right buddy, what's your name?\" \"Sam,\" the man moaned. \"Where ya from, Sam?\" With pain in his voice Sam replied \"The balcony.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2057,
"title": "At the Theatre"
},
{
"body": "Your mom's so fat, I have to take a bus a train and a cab just to get on her good side.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2058,
"title": "Bus, Train"
},
{
"body": "Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2059,
"title": "Conclusions"
},
{
"body": "Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, \"OK\"!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2060,
"title": "OK!"
},
{
"body": "A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, \"Yes, Officer?\"\r\n\r\n\"What are you doing?\" the policeman asked. \"What does it look like?\" answered the young man. \"I'm reading this magazine.\" Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, \"And what is she doing?\" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, \"What does it look like? She's knitting.\"\r\n\r\n\"And how old are you?\" the officer then asked the young man. \"I'm nineteen,\" he replied. \"And how old is she?\" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, \"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2061,
"title": " Twelve Minutes"
},
{
"body": "A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. \"It's the minister, Mommy,\" the child said to her mother. Then she added, \"Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2062,
"title": "Hitting the Bottle"
},
{
"body": "While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. \"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?\" one of his friends asked. \"That is the talking clock,\" the man replied. \"How's it work?\"\r\n\r\n\"Watch,\" the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, \"Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 2063,
"title": "Talking Clock"
},
{
"body": "A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.\r\n\"Tell me,\" she asked the rather elderly salesman, \"is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?\"\r\nWith a fatherly smile, the salesman said, \"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2064,
"title": "Dishwater"
},
{
"body": "The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.\r\n\r\nNone of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.\r\n\r\nThe judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. \"Oh, there's not much to it,\" admitted the clerk happily, \"I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 2065,
"title": "Coffee"
},
{
"body": "One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, \"Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!\"\r\n\r\nHer mom replies, \"Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2071,
"title": "Not your Dad"
},
{
"body": "The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.\r\n\r\nShe demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, \"But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.\r\n\r\nThe lady said, \"Who's paying for this?\" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.\r\n\r\nAfter the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, \"Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 2073,
"title": "Dear Departed"
},
{
"body": "Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.\r\n\r\nOne day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, \"My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!\" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.\r\n\r\nThe millionaire was impressed. He said, \"That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?\" The guy catches his breath, then says, \"Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2074,
"title": "Who Pushed Me?!?!?!?"
},
{
"body": "The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, \"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...\" A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, \"I guess you'd be eating alone, sir.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2075,
"title": "Eating Alone"
},
{
"body": "There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, \"There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.\" As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, \"And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.\" The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, \"You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?\" The boy replied, \"Minnesota, sir.\" \"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?\" inquired the manager. The boy replied, \"They're all just whores and hockey players up there.\" \"My wife is from Minnesota\", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, \"Really! What team did she play for?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2076,
"title": "Lettuce and Minnestoa"
},
{
"body": "A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, \"Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?\" \r\n\r\nA giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, \"It's my dog. Why?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, \"I believe my dog just killed it, sir.\" \r\n\r\n\"What?\" roared the big man in disbelief. \"What in the hell kind of dog do you have?\" \r\n\r\n\"Sir,\" answered the little man, \"it's a little four week old female puppy.\" \r\n\r\n\"Bull!\" roared the biker, \"how could your puppy kill my Doberman?\" \r\n\r\n\"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2078,
"title": "Choking"
},
{
"body": "Two ducks walk into a bar...\r\n\r\nOne duck looks at the other and says \"Guess you didn't see it either.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 2079,
"title": "Ducks"
},
{
"body": "A test-tube baby has a womb with a view.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2080,
"title": "Test-tube Baby"
},
{
"body": "If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2081,
"title": "Disbarred"
},
{
"body": "A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. \r\n\r\nAfter an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. \r\n\r\n\"But why?\" they asked, as they moved off. \r\n\r\n\"Because,\" he said, \"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2082,
"title": "Chess at the hotel"
},
{
"body": "These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards:\r\n\r\n1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig. \r\n\r\n2. I would not allow this student to breed. \r\n\r\n3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. \r\n\r\n4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. \r\n\r\n5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. \r\n\r\n6. The student has a \"full six-pack\" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. \r\n\r\n7. This child has been working with glue too much. \r\n\r\n8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. \r\n\r\n9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. \r\n\r\n10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. \r\n\r\n11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others. \r\n\r\n12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2083,
"title": "Student Report Cards"
},
{
"body": "One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. \"How do I get him to sing?\" the young man asked, excitedly. \"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet,\" was the shop owner's reply. \r\n\r\nThe shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: \"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ...\" The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: \" Silent Night, Holy Night...\" \r\n\r\nThe young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. \r\n\r\n\"How beautiful!\" she exclaimed, \"Can he talk?\" \"No,\" the young man replied, \"but he can sing. Let me show you.\" So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: \"Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!...\" The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: \"Silent Night, Holy night...\" \r\n\r\nThe wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, \"What if we hold the lighter between his legs?\" The man did not know. \"Let's try it,\" he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.\r\n\r\nChet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: \"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire....\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2084,
"title": "The Christmas Parrot"
},
{
"body": "An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, \"what'll you have?\" The man says, \"Give me three pints of Guinness please.\" \r\nSo the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. \r\n\r\nThe bartender says, \"Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one.\" \r\n\r\nThe man says, \"You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. \r\n\r\nThe bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. \r\n\r\nThe bartender said to him, \"I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died.\" \r\n\r\nThe man said, \"Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2085,
"title": "My Last Drink"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink, so he puts a sign on it saying, \"I spat in this beer, do not drink!\" After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, \"So did I!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 2087,
"title": "MY DRINK!!!!"
},
{
"body": "Your mama so fat that when she goes swimming in the ocean all the whales start singing, \"We are familly even though you fatter than me\".",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2088,
"title": "Beach"
},
{
"body": "Your dad's bald spot is so big you could draw an H on it and call it a helicopter landing pad.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2089,
"title": "Dads Head"
},
{
"body": "What do you call something with 4 eyes, 3 noses, 7 ears, and 2 mouths?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nUgly!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2090,
"title": "Ugly"
},
{
"body": "A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, \"Mommy, I have to pee.\" \r\n\r\nThe mother said to the little boy, \"It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. \r\n\r\nSo, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'\" \r\n\r\nThe following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, \"Daddy, I have to whisper.\" \r\n\r\nThe father looked at him and said, \"Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2092,
"title": "The Whisper"
},
{
"body": "There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. \r\n\r\nHe was saying, \"Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.\" \r\n\r\nA preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. \r\n\r\nThe kid said, \"I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish.\" \r\n\r\nThe preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. \r\n\r\nHis wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, \"Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that.\" \r\n\r\nThe preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. \r\n\r\nHis son replied, \"That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2094,
"title": "The Dam Fish"
},
{
"body": "1. If I like it, it's mine.\r\n\r\n2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.\r\n\r\n3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.\r\n\r\n4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.\r\n\r\n5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.\r\n\r\n6. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine. \r\n\r\n7. If it looks like mine, it's mine. \r\n\r\n8. If I saw it first, it's mine.\r\n\r\n9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.\r\n\r\n10. If it's broken, it's yours. \r\n \r\nAlso...\r\n\r\n11. If you built it, I get to knock it down.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2096,
"title": "Property Laws of a Toddler"
},
{
"body": "Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2098,
"title": "Rope"
},
{
"body": "A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.\r\n\r\n\"That was a honey bee,\" his father said, \"one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week.\"\r\n\r\nLater the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.\r\n\r\n\"That was a butterfly,\" his father said, \"one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week.\"\r\n\r\nThe next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter.\r\n\r\nSuddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it.\r\n\r\nThe boy looked at his father and said, \"Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2100,
"title": "One Of Our Friends"
},
{
"body": "There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him. \r\n\r\nJim said, \"No, that's okay. God will take care of me.\" \r\n\r\nSo, the man in the boat drove off. \r\n\r\nThe water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in. \r\n\r\nJim replied, \"No, that's okay. God will take care of me.\" \r\n\r\nThe person in the boat then left. \r\n\r\nThe water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. \r\n\r\nJim said, \"That's okay.\" \r\n\r\nThe woman said, \"Are you sure?\" \r\n\r\nJim replied, \"Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.\" \r\n\r\nFinally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God. \r\n\r\nJim said to God, \"You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?\" \r\n\r\nGod replied, \"Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2101,
"title": "God's Work"
},
{
"body": "A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2102,
"title": "A stolen Credit Card"
},
{
"body": "An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the\r\nCommanding Officer for a 3-day pass. \r\n\r\nThe CO says \"Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!\" \r\n\r\nSo the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! \r\n\r\nThe CO was so impressed, he asked \"How did you do it?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a three-day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2103,
"title": "A Three Day Pass"
},
{
"body": "A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. So the farmer says \"Oh, shoot! It went in one ear and out the udder\"...",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2105,
"title": "Milking a Cow"
},
{
"body": "Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. \r\n\"Certainly madam,\" he replied courteously. \r\n\"Is the restaurant open still?\" inquired Mary. \r\n\"Sorry, no,\" came the reply, \"but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?\" \r\nMary smiled and took the menu and perused it. \"Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,\" said Mary. \r\n\"Certainly madam,\" he replied. \r\n\"And can I have breakfast in bed?\" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. \"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please,\" Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. \r\nThe night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.\r\n\"Morning, madam...sleep well?\" \r\n\"Yes, thank you,\" Mary replied. \r\n\"Food to your liking?\" \r\n\"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though... they really weren't that nice at all,\" replied Mary truthfully. \r\n\"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,\" said the receptionist. \r\n\"OK, I will, thanks!\" replied Mary, who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. \r\nCurious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.\r\n\r\n\"Supercauliflowercheesetheeggswerequiteatrocious!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2106,
"title": "Mary Poppins"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time... \r\nThere lived a king. The King had a \r\nbeautiful daughter, the Princess. \r\n\r\nBut the kingdom was a sad place. \r\nThere was no laughter, and no joy. \r\nThe problem was, that \r\neverything the Princess touched would melt. \r\nNo matter what, metal, wood... \r\nanthing she touched would melt!! \r\n\r\nBecause of this, men were afraid of her. \r\nNobody would dare marry her. \r\nThe king despaired. \r\nWhat could he do to help his \r\nbeautiful daughter? \r\nHe consulted his wizards and magicians. \r\nOne wizard told the king, \"If your \r\ndaughter touches one thing that \r\ndoes not melt in her hands, she \r\nwill be cured.\" \r\n\r\nThe King was overjoyed. The next \r\nday, he held a competition. Any man \r\nwho could bring his daughter an \r\nobject that would not melt at her \r\ntouch, would marry her and inherit \r\nthe King's wealth. \r\nThree young princes took up the challenge. \r\n\r\nThe first Prince brought a very hard \r\nalloy of titanium. \r\nWhen the Princess touched it, it \r\nmelted. The Prince went away sadly. \r\nThe second Prince brought a huge \r\ndiamond, thinking that diamond is \r\nthe hardest substance in the world \r\nand will not melt. \r\n\r\nBut, alas, once the Princess touched \r\nit, it melted. He too went away disappointed. \r\nThe third Prince approached. He \r\ntold the Princess, \"Put your hand \r\nin my pocket and feel what is in there.\" \r\nThe Princess did as she was told, \r\nthough she turned red. \r\n\r\nShe felt something hard. She held \r\nit in her hand...and it did not melt!! \r\nThe King was overjoyed! \r\nEverybody in the kingdom was overjoyed! \r\n\r\nAnd the third Prince married the \r\nPrincess and the both lived \r\nhappily ever after. \r\n\r\nThe question is?!?!?!? \r\n\r\nWhat WAS the object in the Prince's pocket??? \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n\r\nThey were M&M's, of course. \r\nTHEY melt in your MOUTH, \r\nNOT in your HAND!! \r\n\r\n(What were you thinking???)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2107,
"title": "Melting Princess"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb????\r\n\r\nA: Since when do roaches screw in lightbulbs?",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 2108,
"title": "How many?"
},
{
"body": "Why did the bubblegum cross the road?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause he was stuck to the chickens leg.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2109,
"title": "Bubblegum"
},
{
"body": "Why did President George W. Bush go into a gorilla's nest in the jungle?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nTo be with his family!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 2111,
"title": "Mr. Bush"
},
{
"body": "A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fitted under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.\r\n\r\nWalking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.\r\n\r\nWhen he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised its level of unruliness.\r\n\r\nFinally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.\r\n\r\nDiscipline was not a problem from that day forth.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2113,
"title": "Discipline"
},
{
"body": "A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to \"honor thy father and thy mother,\" she asked \"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?\" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, \"Thou shall not kill.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2114,
"title": "How to Treat Our Brothers and Sisters"
},
{
"body": "A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, \"Who am I? \" Ready to play the game she said, \"I don't know! Who are you?\" \"WOW!\" cried the child. \"Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2115,
"title": "Who am I?"
},
{
"body": "A man was about to die, so he went to a black magic store to get a voodoo dick. The man at the store said, \"It works. Anything you tell it to go to, it goes. So your wife can just say, 'Voodoo dick, my pussy.'\"\r\nThe man buys it and gives it to his wife. She says, \"Voodoo dick, my pussy.\" It goes in and starts screwing. But she doesn't know how to get it out. So she speeds to the hospital, but a cop catches her. He says, \"What's the hurry?\" She says, \"There's a voodoo dick stuck in my pussy.\" The cop says, \"Voodoo dick, my ass!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2116,
"title": "Voodoo Dick"
},
{
"body": "A man and wife are out shopping one day.\r\n\r\nThe wife turns to her husband and says; \"Darling it's my mum's birthday tomorrow what shall we get her? Perhaps something electric?\"\r\n\r\n\"A chair?\" replies the husband.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2119,
"title": "Chair"
},
{
"body": "What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?\r\n\r\nNothing, you already told her twice...",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2122,
"title": "2 Black Eyes"
},
{
"body": "Joe and Ted finished an exam and talked to each other afterwards.\r\n\r\n\"I did terrible,\" said Joe. \"I think I was filling in the wrong bubbles!\"\r\n\r\n\"Me too,\" replied Ted.\r\n\r\n\"Well, why did you do terrible?\" asked Joe.\r\n\r\n\"I forgot to bring a pencil!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2123,
"title": "Exam"
},
{
"body": "1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?\r\n2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?\r\n3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?\r\n4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?\r\n5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?\r\n6. Why does \"slow down\" and \"slow up\" mean the same thing?\r\n7. Why does \"fat chance\" mean the same thing as \"slim chance\"?\r\n8. Why do \"tug\" boats push their barges?\r\n9. Why do we sing \"Take me out to the ball game\" when we are already there?\r\n10. Why are they called \"stands\" when they are made for sitting?\r\n11. Why is it call \"after dark\" when it is really \"after light\"?\r\n12. Doesn't \"expecting the unexpected\" make the unexpected expected?\r\n13. Why are a \"wise man\" and a \"wise guy\" opposites?\r\n14. Why do \"overlook\" and \"oversee\" mean opposite things?\r\n15. Why is \"phonics\" not spelled the way it sounds?\r\n16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?\r\n17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?\r\n18. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?\r\n19. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2125,
"title": "Why Indeed"
},
{
"body": "Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one! \r\n\r\nDid you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. \r\n\r\nEven with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. \r\n\r\nShe almost cried when the little boy said, \"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.\" \r\n\r\nShe looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. \r\n\r\nHe then announced, \"These aren't my boots.\" \r\n\r\nShe bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, \"Why didn't you say so?\" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, \"They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.\" \r\n\r\nNow she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, \"Now, where are your mittens?\" He said, \r\n\r\n\"I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.\" \r\n\r\nHer trial starts next month.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2126,
"title": "Boots"
},
{
"body": "There was a City cop on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. \r\n\r\n\"Nice bike,\" the cop said \"Did Santa bring it to you?\" \r\n \r\n\"Yep,\" the little boy said, \"He sure did!\" \r\n \r\nThe cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20.00 ticket for a safety violation. \r\n \r\nThe cop said, \"Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.\" \r\n \r\nThe young boy looked up at the cop and said \"Nice horse you got there, Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?\" \r\n \r\n\"Yes, he sure did,\" chuckled the cop. \r\n \r\nThe little boy looked up at the cop and said, \"Next year tell Santa the d*ck goes underneath the horse not on top.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2127,
"title": "Christmas Gifts"
},
{
"body": "Though the walls of our apartment complex aren't particularly thin, the floors and ceilings act as amplifiers. One night, several months ago, my wife and I were lying in bed. Noticing the repeated constant sound of a bed scooting along the floor and a headboard banging against a wall, we became aware that the occupants of the bedroom directly were doing more than tossing and turning in their sleep. This went on for some time. Later we described the event to our friends. \r\n\r\nUS: \"For the first five minutes, it was funny and kind of embarrassing that we could hear them so well. \r\n\r\n\"After about ten minutes, it became really annoying. \r\n\r\n\"After fifteen minutes, it was getting very frustrating because it was keeping us from going to sleep...\" \r\n\r\nFRIENDS: \"And then?\" \r\n\r\nUS: \"And then after twenty straight minutes...Okay, after twenty minutes it was pretty damn impressive.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2132,
"title": "Thin Walls"
},
{
"body": "Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if... \r\n\r\n\r\nyour shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month \r\nhe paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles \r\nyou have a shuttle called \"Billy Joe Bob\" \r\nhe refers to Klingons as \"Critters\" \r\nhe refers to Photon Torpedoes as \"Popguns\" \r\nhe has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil \r\nhe installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section \r\nhe says, \"Got your ears on, good buddy\" instead of \"open hailing frequencies\" \r\nhe hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen \r\nhe rewires his communicator into his belt buckle \r\nhe keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it \r\nhe says, \"Yee-Ha!\" instead of \"Engage\" \r\nhe has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser \r\nhe insists on calling his executive officer \"Bubba\" \r\nhe sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of \"Bassmaster\" \r\nhe programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens \r\nhe paints the starship John Deere green \r\nhe refers to a Pulsar as a \"Blue Light Special\" \r\nhe refers to the Mutara Nebula as a \"swamp\" \r\nhis moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale \r\nhe sings \"Lucille\" instead of \"Kathleen\" \r\nhis idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls \r\nhe wears mirrored shades on the Bridge \r\nhis idea of a \"gas giant\" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies \r\nhe sets phaser to \"Cajun\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 2133,
"title": "Starship Captain"
},
{
"body": "Joe: I got a problem. \r\nEd: What's the matter? \r\nJoe: Women. I just don't understand them. \r\nEd: Do you understand your TV? \r\nJoe: No. \r\nEd: So what's the problem?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2135,
"title": "Women & TV"
},
{
"body": "The teacher has set the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of the particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). \r\n\r\nA smart-ass student pipes up: \"What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?\" \r\n\r\nThe class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: \r\n\r\n\"Well, Jones, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2136,
"title": "Smart Teacher"
},
{
"body": "A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces \"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2137,
"title": "Dog"
},
{
"body": "I half a spelling checker, \r\nIt came with my pea sea; \r\nIt plainly marks four my revue, \r\nMistakes I kin not sea. \r\nI've run this poem threw it, \r\nI'm sure your please two no, \r\nIts letter perfect in it's weigh, \r\nMy checker tolled me sew.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 2139,
"title": "Spell Checker"
},
{
"body": "Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking. \r\n\r\n\"Certainly,\" she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. \"The line starts over there.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 2140,
"title": "Online Banking"
},
{
"body": "My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. \r\n\r\nAfter about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. \r\n\r\nFinally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, \"It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 2141,
"title": "Computer Lab"
},
{
"body": "Knock! Knock! \r\nWho's there? \r\nHarry. \r\nHarry who? \r\nHarry up and let me in!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 2143,
"title": "Harry"
},
{
"body": "A policeman pulls over a reckless driver along the road. Going up to the driver's window, he takes one look and notes, \"Your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?\" The driver looks up out of those bloodshot eyes and responds, \"Your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2144,
"title": "Bloodshot"
},
{
"body": "Officer: \"And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?\" \r\n\r\nOffender: \"If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2145,
"title": "Offender"
},
{
"body": "The Dean from the University of Northern Colorado was a victim of a hit and run. \r\n\r\nHe was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. \r\n\r\n\"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!\" the shaken Dean told the cop. \r\n\r\n\"The car hit you from behind,\" the officer said. \"How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?\" \r\n\r\n\"I recognized the laugh!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2146,
"title": "Mother-In-Law"
},
{
"body": "A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor, who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said, \"Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat.\" The lawyer said, \" You are correct. How much was the meat?\" The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150, \"for legal consultation\".",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 2147,
"title": "The Butcher"
},
{
"body": "A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:\r\n\r\nMother: \"What does the cow say?\" \r\nChild: \"Moooo!\" \r\n\r\nMother: \"Great! What does the cat say?\" Child: \"Meow.\" \r\n\r\nMother: \"Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?\" \r\n\r\nThe wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, \r\n\r\nChild: \"Bud.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2149,
"title": "Smart Child"
},
{
"body": "Always on the look-out for a bargain, I was dining out and came across a menu entree \"T-Bone* $4.25\". I inquired of the waiter how they could sell a dinner at that price. He advised me to check the bottom of the menu. Next to the \"*\" was \"with meat, $14.95\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2152,
"title": "Bargain"
},
{
"body": "When is it Michael Jackson's bed time? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nWhen the little hand meets the big hand.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2155,
"title": "Michael Jackson"
},
{
"body": "What do you call happiness? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nSeeing your mother-in-law's photo on the back of a milk carton!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2156,
"title": "Mother-In-Law"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between an alchoholic & a drug addict? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThe alchoholic drives over the stop sign, while the drug addict waits for it to turn green.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2158,
"title": "Alchohol & Drugs"
},
{
"body": "Barry calls his boss. \"I'm having problems with my eyes.\" \r\n\"What's wrong with them?\" his boss asks. \r\n\"I just can't see myself coming into work today.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 2160,
"title": "Work"
},
{
"body": "If I wanted to think of a better come back, I'd dig it out of your @$$!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 2162,
"title": "Best Come back"
},
{
"body": "One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Newfie walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the foam. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Newfie too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, \"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU THIEF!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 2164,
"title": "Three Men in A Pub"
},
{
"body": "The following are new Windows messages that are under \r\n consideration for the planned Windows 2000: \r\n \r\n 1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. \r\n \r\n 2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. \r\n \r\n 3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. \r\n \r\n 4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! \r\n \r\n 5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. \r\n \r\n 6. Close your eyes and press escape three times. \r\n \r\n 7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. \r\n \r\n 8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?\r\n \r\n 9. Windows message: \"Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)\" \r\n \r\n 10. This is a message from God Gates: \"Rebooting the world. Please log off.\" \r\n \r\n 11. To \"shut down\" your system, type \"WIN.\" \r\n \r\n 12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. \r\n \r\n 13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. \r\n \r\n 14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) \r\n \r\n 15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) \r\n \r\n 16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) \r\n \r\n 17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. \r\n \r\n 18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) \r\n \r\n 19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) \r\n \r\n 20. User Error: Replace user. \r\n \r\n 21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - \"Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)\" \r\n \r\n 22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... \r\n \r\n 23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and\r\n all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? \r\n \r\n 24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles\r\n have been deleted. The police are on the way.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 2166,
"title": "Windows 2000"
},
{
"body": "Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? \r\n\r\nIt took her a month to realize she could play it at night.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2167,
"title": "Blonde Radio"
},
{
"body": "What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? \r\n\r\nThey drowned in spring training.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2168,
"title": "Ice Hockey"
},
{
"body": "What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? \r\n\r\n\"Look! They have spelt MACY'S wrong!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2169,
"title": "YMCA"
},
{
"body": "A couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls. \r\n\r\nThe guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: \"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.\" \r\n\r\nThe wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: \"See! That was more than 5 times a month!\"\r\n\r\nThe second bull is to be sold: \"Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.\"\r\n\r\nAgain the wife bugs her husband: \"Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!\" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.\r\n\r\nThe third bull is up for sale: \"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!\"\r\n\r\nThe wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: \"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!\"\r\n\r\nThe husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back: \"Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2175,
"title": "Bull Auction"
},
{
"body": "Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick ? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2179,
"title": "Paycheck"
},
{
"body": "Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for ? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA. They are Braille for \"suck here\".",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2180,
"title": "Small Bumps"
},
{
"body": "Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA. You come in one and go in the other.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2182,
"title": "Coffin"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex ? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n \r\nA. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2183,
"title": "Sex"
},
{
"body": "Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job ? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA. After 5 years your job will still suck.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2184,
"title": "Wife & Job"
},
{
"body": "Q. What's the best thing about a blow job ? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n \r\nA. Ten minutes of silence.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2185,
"title": "Blow Job"
},
{
"body": "Q. How is a woman like a laxative ? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA. They both irritate the shit out of you.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2186,
"title": "Laxative"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why do husbands die before their wives ? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA. They want to",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2187,
"title": "Die"
},
{
"body": "Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull ? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA. Lipstick.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2188,
"title": "PMS"
},
{
"body": "10. What do you mean \"today's our anniversary\"?\r\n\r\n9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.\r\n\r\n8. Ohh, this diamond is way too big!\r\n\r\n7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!\r\n\r\n6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being \"just friends\".\r\n\r\n5. Honey does this outfit make my butt look too small?\r\n\r\n4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.\r\n\r\n3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.\r\n\r\n2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.\r\n\r\n1. Hey, pull my finger!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2191,
"title": "Ten Things A Woman Will Never Say"
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. \r\nShe looks at her husband and says, \"Honey,do you remember this?\" \r\nHe looks up at her and says, \"Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.\" \r\nShe says, \"Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night.\" \r\nHe nods and says, \"Yes dear, I still remember.\" \r\n\"Well, what was it?\" she asks. \r\nHe responds, \"Well honey, as I remember, I said, \"Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out.\" \r\nShe giggles and says, \"Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said.\r\nSo, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?\" \r\nAgain he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, \r\n\r\n\"Mission Accomplished.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2193,
"title": "Over 50"
},
{
"body": "An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall. One of them says, \"Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really\r\nquick.\" \"How did you get it fixed?\" \"Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her.\"\r\n\r\nBen goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.\r\n\r\nThat night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out,\r\n\r\n\"Honey, look!\"\r\n\r\nShe rolls over, turns on the light and says, \r\n\"You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2196,
"title": "Animal Lust"
},
{
"body": "There once was a pack of Indians and the Indian Chief could never seem to fart. So eventually he got one of his Indian people to call up a doctor and tell him \"Big Chief no fart!\". \r\n\r\nSo the doctor came up the next day with a pill and he\r\nsays \"Here, take this and call me the next day to tell me what happened.\" So the Indian calls back up the next day and says \"Still, Big Chief no fart!\" \r\n\r\nSo the doctor brought up an even bigger pill. The next day the Indian calls the doctor up and says \"Once again, Big Chief no fart!\". So the doctor had enough of this and brought this HUGE pill, I mean this pill had to be taken in by tanks. \r\n\r\nSo the next day the Indian calls up the doctor and says...\"BIG FART, NO CHIEF!!\".",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 2200,
"title": "Fart"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nPregnant.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2205,
"title": "Brain cells"
},
{
"body": "A man went to his dentist because he has a strange feeling in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, \"That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?\"\r\nThe man replies, \"All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything.\" \r\n\"Well,\" says the dentist, \"That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It has eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.\" \r\n\r\n\"Why chrome?\" asks the patient.\r\n\r\nTo which the dentist replies, \"It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2207,
"title": "Chrome Plate"
},
{
"body": "There once was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. He retired following a happy thirty-year career. Shortly thereafter his company contacted him about a seemingly impossible problem with one of their million-dollar machines.\r\n\r\nThe engineer reluctantly took the challenge. After spending a day studying the huge machine, he marked a small \"X\" in chalk on a machine component and proudly stated, \"This is where your problem is.\" The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly.\r\n\r\nThe company was astounded to receive a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.\r\n\r\nThe engineer responded briefly:\r\n\r\nOne chalk mark ..............$1\r\nKnowing where to put it .....$49,999",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 2214,
"title": "Broken Machine"
},
{
"body": "\"That wife of mine is a liar,\" said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. \"How do you know?\" the friend asked. \"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley.\" \"So?\" the friend replied. \"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2215,
"title": "Shirley"
},
{
"body": "There were 2 guys who were best friends, Bob and Carl, that went walking everyday past a very fancy restuarant made up of very clear, expensive glass. Well everytime they went by, they would always make jokes about the rich snobs who dined there (of course because they were jealous because they wanted to be in there eating the expensive food). So one day Bob made a bet with Carl that he could make half of the people throw up. As soon as Carl agreed on the bet, Bob went and put his boogers and some dog poop all over the glass and indeed half of the people did throw up. So Carl lost some money but wanted to get it back. So he made a bet the he could get the other half of the people to throw up. Bob thought there is no way of doing this but he did. Carl went up and licked it all off! And in the end they both broke even.\r\n\r\n\r\nThe End (lol)",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 2216,
"title": "Throw Up"
},
{
"body": "A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!\r\n\r\nShe lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: \"Watch that fucking wall!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2217,
"title": "10 more years"
},
{
"body": "A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''\r\n\r\nThe brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2225,
"title": "Spoon"
},
{
"body": "There once was a very old man,\r\nwhose verses no one could scan.\r\nAnd when they asked, \"Why?\"\r\nhe said, \"I don't know, I\r\n\"just put too many words in the last line, I guess.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2231,
"title": "Poetryyyy"
},
{
"body": "There was an old man from Purdue\r\nwhose limericks stopped on line two.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2232,
"title": "Limerick"
},
{
"body": "An engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were on their way to a tech conference on the other side of the mountains.\r\n\r\nHalf way down the other side, the brakes gave out, and the engineer steered for all his life to keep the car from going clean off the edge.\r\n\r\nIt was at the last second, skidding sideways towards doom, that the car finally stopped. One tire dropped over the edge.\r\n\r\nThe three sprang from the car, shaking and panting. The engineer was the first to speak.\r\n\r\n\"We could have been killed! I would like to get under the car and see just what happened to those brakes. Something has to be fixed.\"\r\n\r\nThe systems analyst agreed. \"Yes, but I'd like to see the design blueprints. We could fix the problem with these cars with a little research.\"\r\n\r\nThe programmer was scratching his head. \"I wonder if that's repeatable.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 2233,
"title": "Failed Brakes"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a Scot and Mick Jagger?\r\n\r\nMick Jagger sang \"Hey, you, get offa my cloud.\"\r\n\r\nThe Scot says \"Hey, McCloud, get offa my ewe.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2234,
"title": "Scotland vs. Rock"
},
{
"body": "A blonde walked into a library and said to the librarian, \"Can I have some fish and chips please?\"\r\nThe librarian gave her a funny look and said, \" I'm sorry, this is a library.\"\r\nSo the blonde whispers,\"Can I have some fish and chips please?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2235,
"title": "Fish and chips"
},
{
"body": "There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head on an island and they were almost starving. In the end the brunette decided she would rather die trying to get back to land, which looked about 20 miles away, than stay on the island and starve.\r\nSo she started swimmming and got about 10 miles out before she gave up and drowned. \r\nThe red head decided she would do the same thing and she got 15 miles out before she gave up and drowned.\r\nThe blonde was lonely without the others so she swam out and got 19 miles out.\r\n\"Oh, I'm too tired!\" she said.\r\n\r\nSo she swam back!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2236,
"title": "Back to the Land"
},
{
"body": "A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, a golden rat interested him and he went to purchase it.\r\n\"That'll be $20 for the rat and $1,000 for the story behind it,\" said the shop owner. \r\n\r\n\"Thanks, but I'll just take the rat for $20 and leave the story\". He bought the golden rat and left the store. While walking down the street, he saw all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, even more rats came. He went down to the docks and still more rats ran out and followed him. So he walked out into the water, and all the rats drowned. He returned to the curio store soon after. \r\n\r\n\"Sooo,\" said the proprietor. \"You've come back for the story, I thought so!\" \r\n\r\n\"Nope,\" said the man. \"Got any golden lawyers?\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 2237,
"title": "Golden Rat"
},
{
"body": "A man arrives at his laywer's funeral and and was very dismayed by the presence of this one person. He turns to the people around him. 'Why are you all at this man's funeral?' A man turns towards him and says, 'We're all clients.'\r\n'And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.' \r\n'Huh? No, we came to make sure he was dead.'",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 2238,
"title": "The Funeral"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this:\r\n\r\n\"Washington, California...\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2242,
"title": "Hopscotch"
},
{
"body": "What is a horse's favourite Shakepearean play?\r\n\r\nRodeo and Juliet",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2244,
"title": "Horse's Favourite"
},
{
"body": "Here's the day's stock market report:\r\n\r\nHelium was up, feathers were down. \r\nPaper was stationary.\r\nFluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.\r\nKnives were up sharply.\r\nCows steered into a bull market.\r\nPencils lost a few points.\r\nHiking equipment was trailing.\r\nElevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.\r\nWeights were up in heavy trading.\r\nLight switches were off.\r\nMining equipment hit rock bottom.\r\nDiapers remained unchanged.\r\nShipping lines stayed at an even keel.\r\nThe market for raisins dried up.\r\nCoca Cola fizzled.\r\nCaterpillar stock inched up a bit.\r\nSun peaked at midday.\r\nRain dampened the rally.\r\nBalloon prices were inflated.\r\nScott Tissue touched a new bottom.\r\nAnd batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2245,
"title": "Stock Market Report"
},
{
"body": "It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique\r\ndevice for testing the strength of windshields on irplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.\r\n\r\nThe theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they were developing.\r\n\r\nThey borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.\r\n\r\nThe FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: \"Use a thawed chicken.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2248,
"title": "Chicken test"
},
{
"body": "Here are some useless facts that you may enjoy...\r\n\r\n1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is \"screeched.\"\r\n\r\n2. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.\r\n\r\n3. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.\r\n\r\n4. All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.\r\n\r\n5. No word in the English language rhymes with month.\r\n\r\n6. A coat hanger is 44 inches long if straightened.\r\n\r\n7. Canada is an Indian word meaning \"Big Village\".\r\n\r\n8. \"Dreamt\" is the only English word that ends in the letters \"mt\".\r\n\r\n9. The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.'\r\n\r\n10. The word 'pixel' is a contraction of either 'picture cell' or 'picture element.'\r\n\r\n11. Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.\r\n\r\n12. Cats' urine glows under a blacklight.\r\n\r\n13. The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows.\r\n\r\n14. The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.\r\n\r\n15. Chrysler built B-29's that bombed Japan, Mitsubishi built Zeros that tried to shoot them down. Both companies now build cars in a joint\r\n plant call Diamond Star.\r\n\r\n16. On the new hundred dollar bill the time on the clock tower of Independence Hall is 4:10.\r\n\r\n17. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.\r\n\r\n18. Almonds are members of the peach family.\r\n\r\n19. If you add up the numbers 1-100 consecutively (1+2+3+4+5 etc) the total\r\n is 5050.\r\n\r\n20. The symbol on the \"pound\" key (#) is called an octothorpe.\r\n\r\n21. The term \"the whole 9 yards\" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber\r\nmachine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got \"the whole 9 yards.\"\r\n\r\n22. The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62 oz.\r\n\r\n23. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.\r\n\r\n24. Duddley DoRight's Horses name was \"Horse.\"\r\n\r\n25. Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain was born on a day in 1835 when Haley's Comet came into veiw. When He died in 1910, Haley's Comet came into view again.\r\n\r\n26. Ethernet is a registered trademark of Xerox, Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T.\r\n\r\n27. The first hard drive available for the Apple had a capacity of 5megabytes.\r\n\r\n28. In many cases, the amount of storage space on a recordable CD is measured in minutes. 74 minutes is about 650 megabytes, 63 minutes is\r\n550 megabytes.\r\n\r\n29. Charlie Brown's father was a barber.\r\n\r\n30. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intraveinously.\r\n\r\n31. Of the six men who made up the Three Stooges, three of them were real brothers. (Moe, Curly and Shemp.)\r\n\r\n32. Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., but technically it is number 47. Until August 7, 1953, congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit Ohio to the Union.\r\n\r\n33. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without\r\nbeing able to make change for a dollar.\r\n\r\n34. Only 1/3 of the people that can twitch their ears can twitch only one at a time.\r\n\r\n35. The volume of the Earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific Ocean\r\n\r\n36. Ingrown toenails are hereditary.\r\n\r\n37. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.\r\n\r\n38. The largest city in the United States with a one syllable name is Flint, Michigan.\r\n\r\n39. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.\r\n\r\n40. On the cartoon show 'The Jetsons', Jane is 33 years old and her daughter Judy is 15.\r\n\r\n41. In Mel Brooks' 'Silent Movie,' mime Marcel Marceau is the only person who has a speaking role.\r\n\r\n42. Only humans and horses have hymens.\r\n\r\n43. The word \"set\" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.\r\n\r\n44. The state with the longest coastline in the US is Michigan.\r\n\r\n45. We had four consecutive full moons making two blue moons in 1999. (January 2 and 31, March 2 and 31.) The only other time it happened\r\nthis century was in 1915. (January 1 and 31, March 1 and 31.)\r\n\r\n46. Pulp Fiction cost $8 million to make - $5 million going to actor's salaries.\r\n\r\n47. Spot, Data's cat on Star Trek: The Next Generation , was played by six different cats.\r\n\r\n48. Captain Jean-Luc Picard's fish was named Livingston.\r\n\r\n49. The longest U.S. highway is route 6 starting in Cape Cod, Massachusetts going through 14 states, and ending in Bishop, California.\r\n\r\n50. The 'y' in signs reading \"ye olde..\" is properly pronounced with a 'th' sound, not 'y'. The \"th\" sound does not exist in Latin, so ancient Roman occupied (present day) England use the rune \"thorn\" to represent \"th\" sounds. With the advent of the printing press the character from the Roman alphabet which closest resembled thorn was the lower case \"y\".\r\n\r\n51. The number of the trash compactor in Star Wars (20th Century Fox, 1977) is 3263827.\r\n\r\n52. \"Underground\" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters \"und.\"\r\n\r\n53. The international telphone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.\r\n\r\n54. A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of Guinness beer.\r\n\r\n55. If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.\r\n\r\n56. The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.\r\n\r\n57. Mr. Snuffleupagas' first name was Alyoisus.\r\n\r\n58. The little bags of netting for gas lanterns (called 'mantles') are radioactive-so much so that they will set off an alarm at a nuclear reactor.\r\n\r\n59. In the movie \"the Right Stuff\" there is a scene where a government recruiter for the Mercury astronaut program (played by Jeff Goldblum)is in a bar at Muroc Dry Lake, California. His partner suggests Chuck Yeager as a good astronaut candidate. Jeff proceeds to badmouth Yeager claiming they need someone who went to college. During the conversation, the real Chuck Yeager is playing a bartender who is standing behind the recruiters eavesdropping. General Yeager is listed\r\nlow in the movie credits as 'Fred.'\r\n\r\n60. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.\r\n\r\n61. There are only four words in the English language which end in \"-dous\": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.\r\n\r\n62. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.\r\n\r\n63. The only other word with the same amount of letters as #62 is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.\r\n\r\n64. The longest place-name still in use is\r\nTaumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.\r\n\r\n65. Los Angeles's full name is \"El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula\" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, \"L.A.\"\r\n\r\n66. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear\r\n\r\n67. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.\r\n\r\n68. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.\r\n\r\n69. After the Civil War the U.S. sued Great Britain for damages that were caused by them building ships for the Confederacy. We originally asked for $1 billion but settled on $25 Million.\r\n\r\n70. There are 22 stars surrounding the mountain on the Paramount Pictures logo.\r\n\r\n71. Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.\r\n\r\n72. There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs six times: Indivisibility.\r\n\r\n73. In most advertisments, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.\r\n\r\n74. The only Dutch word to contain eight consecutive consonants is 'angstschreeuw'.\r\n\r\n75. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.\r\n\r\n76. The Mongol emperor Genghis Khan's original name was Temujin.\r\n\r\n77. The first word spoken by an ape in the movie Planet of the Apes was \"Smile\".\r\n\r\n78. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order.\r\n\r\n79. Geller and Huchra have made three-dimensional maps of the distrubution of galaxies. In each layer of the map some galaxies are grouped together in such a way that they resemble a human being.\r\n\r\n80. Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.\r\n\r\n81. Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.\r\n\r\n82. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.\r\n\r\n83. The second longest word in the English language is \"antidisestablishmenterianism\".\r\n\r\n84. When two words are combined to form a single word (e.g., motor + hotel = motel, breakfast + lunch = brunch) the new word is called a\r\n\"portmanteau.\"\r\n\r\n85. Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's assassin John Wilkes Booth, and whose shame created the expression for ignominy, \"His name is Mudd.\"\r\n\r\n86. The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.\r\n\r\n87. In 1969, the last Corvair was painted gold.\r\n\r\n88. The real name of the \"I've fallen and I can't get up\" lady is Edith Fore.\r\n\r\n89. Betsy Ross was born with a fully formed set of teeth.\r\n\r\n90. Betsy Ross's other contribution to the American Revolution, beside sewing the first American flag, was running a munitions factory in her basement.\r\n\r\n91. The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.\r\n\r\n92. Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the book 'The Naked Lunch'.\r\n\r\n93. Bob Dylan's real name is Robert Zimmerman.\r\n\r\n94. Wilma Flinestone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.\r\n\r\n95. Lenny Kravitz's mother played the part of \"Helen\" on \"The Jeffersons.\"\r\n\r\n96. Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.\r\n\r\n97. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.\r\n\r\n98. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321\r\n\r\n99. The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.\r\n\r\n100. There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, \"therein\": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, here, ere, therein, herein.\r\n\r\n101. Canola oil is actually grapeseed oil but the name was changed in Canada for marketing reasons.\r\n\r\n102. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.\r\n\r\n103. Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.\r\n\r\n104. John Larroquette of \"Night Court\" and \"The John Larroquette Show\" was the narrator of \"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.\"\r\n\r\n105. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.\r\n\r\n106. A pig's penis is shaped like a corkscrew.\r\n\r\n107. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's \"Its A Wonderful Life.\"\r\n\r\n108. A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.\r\n\r\n109. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.\r\n\r\n110. A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge.\r\n \r\n111. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.\r\n\r\n112. On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the \"1\" encased in the \"shield\" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.\r\n\r\n113. No words in the English language rhyme with orange, silver or purple.\r\n\r\n114. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.\r\n\r\n115. \"Evian\" spelled backvards is naive.\r\n\r\n116. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.\r\n\r\n117. Maine is the toothpick capital of the world.\r\n\r\n118. It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses it's forearms to dig out all of the\r\nstomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.\r\n\r\n119. The A&W of root beer fame stands for Allen and Wright.\r\n\r\n120. A baby eel is called an elver, a baby oyster is called a spat.\r\n\r\n121. Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box.\r\n\r\n122. Lake Nicaragua boasts the only fresh-water sharks in the entire world.\r\n\r\n123. Charles de Gaulle's final words were, \"It hurts.\"\r\n\r\n124. There are four cars and ten lightposts on the back of a ten-dollar bill.\r\n\r\n125. ABBA got their name by taking the first letter from each of their first names (Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny, Anni-frid.)\r\n\r\n126. What five digit number, when multiplied by the number 4, is the same number with the digits in reverse order? 21978; 21978 x 4 = 87912.\r\n\r\n127. It was illegal to sell ET dolls in France because there is a law against selling dolls without human faces.\r\n\r\n128. In the 1983 film \"JAWS 3D\" the shark blows up. Some of the shark guts were the stuffed ET dolls being sold at the time.\r\n\r\n129. Montana mountain goats will butt heads so hard their hooves fall off.\r\n\r\n130. The Beatles song \"Dear Prudence\" was written about Mia Farrow's sister, Prudence, when she wouldn't come out and play with Mia and the Beatles\r\nat a religious retreat in India.\r\n\r\n131. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.\r\n\r\n132. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world for its size.\r\n\r\n133. St. Paul, Minnesota was originally called Pigs Eye after a man who ran a saloon there.\r\n\r\n134. The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.\r\n\r\n135. Moon was Buzz Aldrin's mother's maiden name. (Buzz Aldrin was the second man on the moon in 1969.)\r\n\r\n136. Who's that playing the piano on the \"Mad About You\" theme? It's Paul Reiser himself. And Greg Evigan sang the \"My Two Dads\" theme.\r\n\r\n137. Kelsey Grammar sings and plays the piano for the theme song of Fraiser.\r\n\r\n138. Alan Thicke, the father in the TV show Growing Pains wrote the theme songs for The Facts of Life and Diff'rent Strokes .\r\n\r\n139. In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, \"They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run.\" On July 20, 1969, a few hours after\r\nNeil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first, and only, home run.\r\n\r\n140. The Grateful Dead were once called The Warlocks.\r\n\r\n141. Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never- aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.\r\n\r\n142. The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about\r\nthe wreck.\r\n\r\n143. The Professor's real name was Roy Hinkley, Mary Ann's last name was Summers and Mrs. Howell's maiden name was Wentworth.\r\n\r\n144. The male gypsy moth can \"smell\" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.\r\n\r\n145. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.\r\n\r\n146. Reindeer milk has more fat than cow milk.\r\n\r\n147. The \"L.L.\" in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.\r\n\r\n148. The original fifty cent piece in Australian decimal currency had around $2.00 worth of silver in it before it was replaced with a less expensive twelve sided coin.\r\n\r\n149. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.\r\n\r\n150. Alexander the Great was an epileptic.\r\n\r\n151. The lead singer of The Knack, famous for \"My Sharona,\" and Jack Kevorkian's lead defense attorney are brothers, Doug & Jeffrey Feiger.\r\n\r\n152. The name for Oz in the \"Wizard of Oz\" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence \"Oz.\"\r\n\r\n153. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.\r\n\r\n154. Elton John's real name is Reginald Dwight. Elton comes from Elton Dean, a Bluesology sax player. John comes from Long John Baldry, founder of Blues Inc. They were the first electric white blues band ever seen in England--1961\r\n\r\n155. The saying \"It's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey\" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the\r\nCivil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack\r\nand break off... Thus the saying.\r\n\r\n156. Horses cannot vomit.\r\n\r\n157. Rabbits cannot vomit.\r\n\r\n158. S.O.S. doesn't stand for \"Save Our Ship\"\r\nor \"Save Our Souls\" -- It was just chosen by an 1908 international conference on Morse Code because the letters S and O were easy to remember and just about anyone could key it and read it, S = dot dot dot, O = dash dash dash..\r\n\r\n159. Pocahontas appeared on the back of the $20 bill in 1875.\r\n\r\n160. When a female horse and male donkey mate, the offspring is called a mule, but when a male horse and female donkey mate, the offspring is called a hinny. The way to get more mules is to mate a male donkey with a female horse.\r\n\r\n161. A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't.\r\n\r\n162. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.\r\n\r\n163. Hugh \"Ward Cleaver\" Beaumont was an ordained minister.\r\n\r\n164. The Old English word for \"sneeze\" is \"fneosan.\"\r\n\r\n165. John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.\r\n\r\n166. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.\r\n\r\n167. Woodpecker scalps, porpoise teeth and giraffe tails have all been used as money.\r\n\r\n168. The Los Angeles Rams were the first U.S. football team to introduce emblems on their helmets.\r\n\r\n169. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.\r\n\r\n170. The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head.\r\n\r\n171. Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living.\r\n\r\n172. Dartboards are made out of horsehairs.\r\n\r\n173. One of the many Tarzans, Karmuela Searlel, was mauled to death on the set by a raging elephant.\r\n\r\n174. Slinkys were invented by an airplane mechanic; he was playing with engine parts and realized the possible secondary use of one of the springs.\r\n\r\n175. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.\r\n\r\n176. Octopi have gardens.\r\n\r\n177. \"Ever think you're hearing something in a song, but they're really singing something else? The word for mis-heard lyrics is 'mondegreen,' and it comes from a folk song in the '50's. The singer was actually singing \"They slew the Earl of Morray and laid him on the green,\" but this came off sounding like 'They slew the Earl of Morray and Lady\r\nMondegreen.'\"\r\n\r\n178. Some biblical scholars believe that Aramaic (the language of the ancient Bible) did not contain an easy way to say \"many things\" and used\r\n a term which has come down to us as 40. This means that when the bible -- in many places - refers to \"40 days,\" they meant many days.\r\n\r\n179. Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox.\r\n\r\n180. 'Strengths' is the longest word in the English language with just one vowel.\r\n\r\n181. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.\r\n\r\n182. One of the longest English words that can be typed using the top row of a typewriter (allowing multiple uses of letters) is 'typewriter.'\r\n\r\n183. When a giraffe's baby is born it falls from a height of six feet, normally without being hurt.\r\n\r\n184. Virgina Woolf wrote all her books standing.\r\n\r\n185. The pitches that Babe Ruth hit for his last-ever homerun and that Joe DiMaggio hit for his first-ever homerun where thrown by the same man.\r\n\r\n186. To \"testify\" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles.\r\n\r\n187. Stalin was only five feet, four inches tall.\r\n\r\n188. Stalin's left foot had webbed toes, and his left arm is noticably shorter than his right.\r\n\r\n189. Tomb robbers believed that knocking Egyptian sarcophagi's noses off would and therefore forstall curses.\r\n\r\n190. The allele for six fingers and toes is dominant in humans. (Watch out Inigo Montoya...)\r\n\r\n191. The face of a penny can hold about thirty drops of water.\r\n\r\n192. Medieval knights put sharkskin on their swordhandles to give them a more secure grip; they would dig the sharp scales into their palms.\r\n\r\n193. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.\r\n\r\n194. The only planet without a ring is earth.\r\n\r\n195. Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks.\r\n\r\n196. If you feed a seagull Alka-Seltzer, its stomach will explode.\r\n\r\n197. The raised reflective dots in the middle of highways are called Botts dots.\r\n\r\n198. Boris Karloff is the narrator of the seasonal television special \"How the Grinch Stole Christmas.\"\r\n\r\n199. A group of unicorns is called a blessing.\r\n\r\n200. Twelve or more cows are known as a \"flink.\"\r\n\r\n201. A group of frogs is called an army.\r\n\r\n202. A group of rhinos is called a crash.\r\n\r\n203. A group of kangaroos is called a mob.\r\n\r\n204. A group of whales is called a pod.\r\n\r\n205. A group of geese is called a gaggle.\r\n\r\n206. A group of ravens is called a murder.\r\n\r\n207. A group of officers is called a mess.\r\n\r\n208. A group of larks is called an exaltation.\r\n\r\n209. A group of owls is called a parliament.\r\n \r\n210. The 80s song \"Rosanna\" from the Eighties was written about Rosanna Arquette, the actress. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.\r\n\r\n211. Starfish don't have brains.\r\n\r\n212. Shrimps' hearts are in their heads.\r\n\r\n213. The derivation of the word trivia comes from the Latin \"tri-\" + \"via\", which means three streets. This is because in ancient times, at an intersection of three streeets in Rome (or some other Italian place), they would have a type of kiosk where ancillary information was listed. You might be interested in it, you might not, hence they were bits of \"trivia.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2249,
"title": "Useless Facts"
},
{
"body": "A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. \r\nThe brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, \"Now, do you remember what the plan is?\" The blonde sighed and replied, \"Yeah, yeah, I remember...\" The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. \r\n\r\nBefore the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, \"Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!\" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, \"Stop! Stop!\" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, \"What the hell happened in there?!?\" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, \"What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!\" \r\n\r\nThe brunette paused and yelled, \"YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2261,
"title": "Bank Robbers"
},
{
"body": "Yo moma's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2266,
"title": "Bermuda Triangle"
},
{
"body": "Yo moma's like a fine restaurant, she only takes deliveries in the rear.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2270,
"title": "Restaurant"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2272,
"title": "Bubble Gum"
},
{
"body": "A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. \r\n\"Tim, you be first\" she said. \"What does your mother do all day?\" Tim stood up and proudly said, \"She's a doctor.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?\" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, \"My father is a mailman.\"\r\n\r\n\"Thank you, Amie,\" said the teacher. \"What about your father, Billy?\" Billy proudly stood up and announced, \"My daddy works in a topless bar!\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.\r\n\r\nLater that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.\r\n\r\nBilly's father said, \"I'm actually an attorney. But, how can I explain that to a seven-year-old?\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 2273,
"title": "How Can I Explain?"
},
{
"body": "Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet below ground instead of the usual 6?\r\n\r\nBecause deep down, they're not so bad!",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 2274,
"title": "Deep Down"
},
{
"body": "Which is heavier, 20 pounds of rocks or 20 pounds of sugar?\r\n\r\nTheir both 20 pounds! doy!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2276,
"title": "Which is heavier?"
},
{
"body": "Better to be pissed off than pissed on.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2303,
"title": "Better to BE"
},
{
"body": "\"Whew, that's one terrific spread!\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.\" \r\n\r\n\"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.\" \r\n\r\n\"Talk about a huge breast!\" \r\n\r\n\"It's Cool Whip time!\" \r\n\r\n\"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!\" \r\n\r\n\"Are you ready for seconds yet?\" \r\n\r\n\"Are you going to come again next time?\" \r\n\r\n\"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?\" \r\n\r\n\"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!\" \r\n\r\n\"Don't play with your meat.\" \r\n\r\n\"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.\" \r\n\r\n\"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?\" \r\n\r\n\"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!\" \r\n\r\n\"You still have a little bit on your chin.\" \r\n\r\n\"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.\" \r\n\r\n\"How long will it take after you stick it in?\" \r\n\r\n\"You'll know it's ready when it pops up.\" \r\n\r\n\"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!\" \r\n\r\n\"How many are coming?\" \r\n\r\n\"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!\" \r\n\r\n\"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest.\" \r\n\r\n\"How long do I beat it before it's ready?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2306,
"title": "Things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving"
},
{
"body": "A blond got a new job cutting down trees. On the first day her boss handed her a chainsaw and said,\r\n\"Now you have to go into that forest and cut down as many trees as possible using that chain saw. Please be careful with it and also please remember that the minimum is 6 trees a day.\"\r\nThe blonde went into the forest and cut down trees but at the end of the day she had only managed to cut down 4.\r\nHer boss decided to give another chance but the next day she only managed 3. He decided to give her one last chance but on the third day she only cut two trees.\r\nWhen she finished work, he called the blond over and took her back into the forest.\r\n\"Right,\"he said,\"You must be doing something wrong here so watch how I do it, then I'll give you one more chance before you're fired.\r\nSo he stood in front of the tree and started up the chainsaw. The blond looked around suddenly and said,\r\n\"What's that noise?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2307,
"title": "New Job"
},
{
"body": "What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?\r\n\r\ntime to get a new fence!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2309,
"title": "What time is it?"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a pig who knows karate? \r\n\r\n A Pork-Chop!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2310,
"title": "What do you call....."
},
{
"body": "An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over. \r\n\r\n\"What seems to be the trouble young man?\" asked the old gentleman. \r\n\r\nThe officer said, \"Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there?\" \r\n\r\nTo which the old gentleman exclaimed, \"Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!\".",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2311,
"title": "Deaf"
},
{
"body": "Roses are red,\r\nGrass is green.\r\nYou have the shape\r\nOf a washing machine.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 2312,
"title": "Rhyme"
},
{
"body": "What's brown and has holes in it?\r\n\r\nSwiss shit!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 2313,
"title": "Swiss"
},
{
"body": "How many blondes does it takes to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nthree:\r\none to unscrew it\r\none to buy a new lightbulb\r\none to call her boyfriend to screw it back in.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2314,
"title": "Lights"
},
{
"body": "Definition of Agony?\r\n\r\nOne armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 2316,
"title": "Agony"
},
{
"body": "Joe: Hi Jack. How did you like horseback riding?\r\nJack: Not that much. The problem was that the horse was too polite.\r\nJoe: Polite?\r\nJack: Yep. When we reached the fence he let me go over first.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2319,
"title": "Horseback riding"
},
{
"body": "A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. \r\n\r\nAs the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, \"Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now.\" \r\n\r\nThe husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt. \r\n\r\n\"Yep,\" he said, \"Just what I thought, just about the same size.\" \r\n\r\nThe wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. \r\n\r\nThat evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, \"How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?\" \r\n\r\nThe wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. \"What's the matter?\" he asked. \r\n\r\nTo which she replied, \"You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2329,
"title": "Gas Grill"
},
{
"body": "It has been determined.\r\nThe most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.\r\n\r\nThe husband sits and begs.\r\nThe wife rolls over and plays dead.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2330,
"title": "New Sex Study"
},
{
"body": "After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The Moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...\r\n\r\n ....including the curtain rods.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2333,
"title": "Curtain Rods"
},
{
"body": "A Teenager is... \r\n\r\nA person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number. \r\n\r\nA weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast. \r\n\r\nA youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday. \r\n\r\nSomeone who can hear a song by the Back Street Boys played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room. \r\n\r\nA whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed. \r\n\r\nA student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license. \r\n\r\nA youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study. \r\n\r\nAn enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes. \r\n\r\nA connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud. \r\n\r\nA young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother. \r\n\r\nA person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert. \r\n\r\nA romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. \r\n\r\nA budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. \r\n\r\nA boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing. \r\n\r\nAn original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2334,
"title": "Defining Teenagers"
},
{
"body": "For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.\r\n\r\nOne day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.\r\n\r\nThe teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, \"Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?\"\r\n\r\nTommy burst into tears and confessed, \"I think Mommy ate it!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2336,
"title": "We have new babies"
},
{
"body": "A little nine-year-old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. \r\n\r\n\"Mommy\" she said \"Can we leave now?\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" her mother replied. \r\n\r\n\"Well, I think I have to throw up!\" \r\n\r\n\"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.\" \r\n\r\nIn about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. \r\n\r\n\"Did you throw up?\" her mother asked. \r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" the little girl replied. \r\n\r\n\"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?\" \r\n\r\n\"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy,\" the little girl replied, \"They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2337,
"title": "A little girl wants to go"
},
{
"body": "Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an \"after-hours\" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, \"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!\"\r\n\r\nWell, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.\r\n\r\nAs he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, \"You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!\"\r\n\r\nTo which the bird replied, \"Killer, get him!!!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2338,
"title": "Never talk to the parrot"
},
{
"body": "One day, I had to pick up my ne're do well brother because his car had broken down. \r\nI probably shouldn't have done this, but I wanted to show off my cool new car I got, so I agreed. \r\n\r\nI left work at about five o clock and I went to the gas station before I picked up my brother. Of course, after a few bad incidences with the gas station attendants, I discovered that self serve was the way to go, so I pulled up and hopped out of my car. \r\nWhen I was finished pumping the gas, I pulled out the pump, but I had forgotten to completely let go of the handle, so some gas spilled out onto the sleeve of my jacket .\r\n'Big deal' I thought, and I paid for the gas and got back into the car. Well, something you must know about my brother is that he's a terribly addicted smoker, and of course, he has no regard for peoples things, not even their new car with leather seats. So, of course, the first thing that brother of mine does when he gets in the car, is lights up a cigarette. \r\nRemember the gas I spilled on my jacket? Well, needless to say, one spark from that lighter sent my arm bursting into flames. \r\n\"CRAP!\" I screamed. I pulled the car over and jumped out. I was waving my arm around like crazy trying to get that fire out. Luckily, a policeman drove by and stopped to help me. He had a fire extinguisher in his cruiser and he used it to put out the fire on my arm. \r\n\"Thank you officer\" I said \"If you hadn't stopped to help me, my arm could have burned off!\" \r\n\"It was no problem ma'am,\" the officer replied in very formal police style,\r\n\"but I'm sorry, I'm going to have to give you a fine\" \r\n\"Why officer?\" I said, completely shocked \r\nHe Replied \"FOR USING A FIREARM WITHOUT A LICENCE\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2342,
"title": "The New Car"
},
{
"body": "During training exercises, the lieutenant who was\r\ndriving down a muddy back road encountered\r\nanother car stuck in the mud with a red-faced\r\ncolonel at the wheel.\r\n\r\n\"Your jeep stuck, sir?\" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.\r\n\r\n\"Nope,\" replied the colonel, coming over and handing\r\nhim the keys, \"Yours is.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2344,
"title": "Jeep"
},
{
"body": "On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One\r\nday the tower received a call from an aircraft asking,\r\n\"What time is it?\"\r\nThe tower responded, \"Who is calling?\" \r\nThe aircraft replied, \"What difference does it make?\"\r\nThe tower replied \"It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to \"Happy Hour\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2345,
"title": "Air Control"
},
{
"body": "- \"Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you?\"\r\n\r\n- \"Been there, slain that.\"\r\n\r\n- \"What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?\"\r\n\r\n- \"They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know.\"\r\n\r\n- \"When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched.\"\r\n\r\n- \"Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chamber floor.\"\r\n\r\n- Wench: \"What's that sound?\" Knight: \"That's just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding.\"\r\n\r\n- \"Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!\"\r\n\r\n- \"Your hovel or mine?\"\r\n\r\n- \"Pardon me, madam, but wouldst thou like to see my long sword in action?\"\r\n\r\n- \"Dost thou practice safe hex?\"\r\n\r\n- \"Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within.\"\r\n\r\n- \"I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart.\"\r\n\r\n- \"You should be glad I'm not a Viking.\"\r\n\r\n- \"You would have been ravaged and plundered by now.\"\r\n\r\n- \"I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on!\"\r\n\r\n- \"Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear?\"\r\n\r\n- \"You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends is on it!!\"\r\n\r\n- \"I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs?\"\r\n\r\n- \"My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it.\"\r\n\r\n- \"I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks and...er...PUNISH me, now won't you?\"\r\n\r\n- \"You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Rapunzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let down.\"\r\n\r\n- \"I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady.\"\r\n\r\n- \"C'mon, sweetie...didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away.\"\r\n\r\n- \"I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2346,
"title": "Medieval Pick-Up Lines"
},
{
"body": "- \"Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'\"\r\n\r\n- \"I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!\"\r\n\r\n- \"Nice Asimov.\"\r\n\r\n- \"Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody.\"\r\n\r\n- \"Earth woman, prepare to be probed!\"\r\n\r\n- \"I'm the droid you're looking for.\"\r\n\r\n- \"Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears.\"\r\n\r\n- \"Hey, baby. I own Microsoft.\"\r\n\r\n- \"Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'\"\r\n\r\n- \"If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me masturbate while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2350,
"title": "Science Fiction Geek Pick-up Lines"
},
{
"body": "Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual \"equipment.\"\r\n\r\nWow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this:\r\n\r\n* Warning!: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you?\r\n\r\n* Warning!: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.\r\n\r\n* Warning!: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.\r\n\r\n* Warning!: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.\r\n\r\n* Warning!: Smoke rises, but you may not.\r\n\r\n* Warning!: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is... if you're capable of conceiving any.\r\n\r\n* Warning!: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.\r\n\r\n* Warning!: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?\r\n\r\n* Warning!: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.\r\n\r\n* Warning!: Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2352,
"title": "Cigarette Warnings"
},
{
"body": "A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. \"Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?\" he said to her.\r\n\r\n\"I don't know,\" replied the beautiful young woman. \"It depends how personal it is.\"\r\n\r\n\"OK,\" the guy said. \"How many men have you slept with?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm not going to tell you that!\" the woman exclaimed. \"That's my business!\"\r\n\r\n\"Sorry,\" said the guy, \"I didn't realize you made a living out of it.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 2355,
"title": "Personal Question"
},
{
"body": "A few rules for what men can and cannot wear at a private pool.\r\n\r\n1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:\r\n\r\n1A) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your skimpy bathing suit.\r\n\r\n1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.\r\n\r\n1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get turned on by 1and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.\r\n\r\n1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip the Speedo.\r\n\r\n1F) If you are the type of guy who gets aroused when you see a woman in less than an overcoat and/or if there is a gentle breeze, you should not be wearing one. Teepees are for Indian reservations and not for the pool thankyouverymuch.\r\n\r\n2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing suits, please for the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner shell. There is nothing sexier than seeing your boys hanging down as you sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, but it is impolite to be the cause of so many women getting so horny at midday, so keep your boys hidden.\r\n\r\n3) No thongs under any circumstances.\r\n\r\n4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2356,
"title": "What Men Can & Cannot Wear To A Pool"
},
{
"body": "A few rules for what women can and cannot wear at a private pool.\r\n\r\n1) Thongs are encouraged... however only if certain conditions are met.\r\n\r\n1A) There must be a direct correlation to the amount of total square inches of skin, to the total amount of square inches of bathing suit. In other words, if you are any larger than a mini van, a string bikini should be frowned upon.\r\n\r\n1B) Thongs or ass floss as they have been come to be known in pool and beach circles, should be worn as long as there is not more cellulite on your buttocks than in one of Mel Gibson's Epic type movies.\r\n\r\n2) Women with near perfect figures, cannot wear one piece bathing suits... plain and simple. Damn, I know it's a sexist world, but it's the world that we live in.\r\n\r\n3) Curlers are strictly verboten.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2357,
"title": "What Women Can & Cannot Wear To A Pool"
},
{
"body": "A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: \"For Women Only.\" Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.\r\n\r\nThe bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. \"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside.\"\r\n\r\nSo they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: \"All the men on this floor are short and ugly, they don't have jobs and hate children.\" The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.\r\n\r\nThe sign on the second floor reads: \"All the men here are short, but handsome, haev decent jobs, and hate children.\" Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.\r\n\r\nThey reach the third floor and the sign reads: \"All the men here are tall and handsome, have well paying jobs, don't really care for children, but want to get married.\"\r\n\r\nThey still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.\r\n\r\nOn the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: \"All the men here are tall, handsome, have all the money in the world, are romantic and sensual, love children, are not jealous, and will marry you on the spot.\" The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.\r\n\r\nThere they find a sign that reads: \"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman. Please go down on the escalator to your right.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2362,
"title": "For Women Only"
},
{
"body": "Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hell. \r\n\r\nGod, invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Satan proposed a soccer game between heaven and hell. God, always fair, said to the devil, \"The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided. Don't you know all the 'good' players go to heaven?\" \r\n\r\nThe devil, smiling, responded \"Yeah, but we've got all the refs!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 2363,
"title": "Heaven vs Hell"
},
{
"body": "You're so dumb, you studied for a blood test!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 2370,
"title": "You're so dumb..."
},
{
"body": "A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, \"Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new...\" He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. \r\n\r\nHe gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, \"Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new...\" He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. \r\n\r\nHe then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, \"Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again...\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2371,
"title": "Mafia Christmas"
},
{
"body": "Children in the back of the car cause accidents. \r\n\r\nAccidents in the back of the car cause children",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2372,
"title": "Children and Cars"
},
{
"body": "A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, \"Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?\" The husband just looked at his wife and said, \"What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?\" \r\n\r\nA few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, \"Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?\" \r\n\r\n\"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?\" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. \"Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?\" \r\n\r\nHe just looked at her and said \"What do I look like, Bob Vila?\" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. \r\n\r\nOne weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. \r\n\r\nHis wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, \"Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?\" \r\n\r\nShe replied nonchalantly, \"Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.\" \"Wow, did he charge us anything?\" asked the husband. \"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him\" she said. \r\n\r\n\"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?\" asked the husband. \"Cake? What do I look like, Betty Crocker?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2373,
"title": "What Do I Look Like?"
},
{
"body": "1. Your salary is less than your tuition.\r\n2. Your potted plants stay alive.\r\n3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.\r\n4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.\r\n5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.\r\n6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.\r\n7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.\r\n8. 8:00a.m. is not early.\r\n9. You have to file for your own taxes.\r\n10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.\r\n11. You're not carded anymore.\r\n12. You carry an umbrella.\r\n13. You learn that \"Bachelor\" is a nicer term for a jackass.\r\n14. \"Extended childhood\" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.\r\n15. \"Twenty-something\" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.\r\n16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.\r\n17. You start watching the weather channel.\r\n18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.\r\n19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.\r\n20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.\r\n21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.\r\n22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.\r\n23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.\r\n24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.\r\n25. Your car insurance goes down.\r\n26. You refer to college students as kids.\r\n27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.",
"category": "College",
"id": 2374,
"title": "You Know You're Out Of College When..."
},
{
"body": "A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. \r\n\"You, sir, are drunk!\" \r\n\r\n\"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 2375,
"title": "A man walks out of a bar totally hammered..."
},
{
"body": "A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one,\" said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!'' \r\n\r\nSo he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, ''This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he approached the back door, he was suprised to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can't find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party. \r\n\r\nA couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. ''Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don't believe me!'' ''So YOU'RE the guy!'' The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ''HONEY!?!...HERE'S THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!'''",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2376,
"title": "The Golden Toilet"
},
{
"body": "A small boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. \r\nThe lad asked, \"What is this, father?\" \r\n\r\nThe father (having never seen an elevator) responded, \"I have no idea what it is.\" \r\n\r\nWhile the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. \r\n\r\nThe walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. \r\n\r\nThe father looked at his son anxiously and said, \"Go get your mother.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2377,
"title": "The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie"
},
{
"body": "A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him. \r\nAs she sat by him, he said, ''You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?'' \r\n\r\n''What, my dear?'' she asked gently. \r\n\r\n''I think you bring me bad luck.''",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2378,
"title": "The Devoted Wife"
},
{
"body": "A little boy was sitting on the couch while his parents were arguing. \r\n\"I don't want your bastard family coming over for Thanksgiving.\" said his mom.\r\n\r\n\"Mom, what's a bastard?\" asked the little boy.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, that is just your dad's family.\" she replied.\r\n\r\n\"Well I don't want those bitches you call family to come either!\" his dad said\r\n\r\n\"Dad, what,s a bitch?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, it is just your moms family.\"he said\r\n\r\nLater the little boy went and took a shower with his mom. He looked up and said, \"Mom what are those?\" His mom was surprised she didn't know what to say so she said, \"Oh, they are tits. something grown ups wear under there clothes.\"The boy seemed satisfied and got out. \r\n\r\nHe then took a shower with his dad. When he looked up he asked, \"Dad what's that?\" Flustered his dad said, \"Oh, that is a dick. It is something adults wear.\"\r\n\r\n\"Ohhh okay.\" the little boy said.\r\n\r\nAfter the shower his Dad was shaving his face and he cut himself and said, \"Shit!\"\r\n\r\n\"Dad what's shit?\" the little boy asked.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, it is what you rub on your face when you're shaving.\" he said.\r\n\r\nThen the Little boy went downstairs and saw his Mom carving the turkey. She cut her finger and said, \"Fuck!\"\r\n\r\n\"Mom, what is fuck?'\r\n\r\n\"Oh honey it is something you do to the turkey for Thanksgiving.\"\r\n\r\nThe doorbell rang and the little boy went to answer it. He opened up the door and said, \"Hello all you BITCHES and BASTARDS hang your TITS and DICKS in the closet.\" The guests were appalled. They angrily asked where his parents were. \"Dad is upstairs rubbing SHIT all over his face and Mom is FUCKING the turkey.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2380,
"title": "Confused Boy"
},
{
"body": "-Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. \r\n\r\n-Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.\r\n\r\n-Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.\r\n\r\n-Bathhouses are against the law.\r\n\r\n-In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.\r\n\r\n-No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. \r\n\r\n-Women may not drive in a house coat. \r\n\r\n-It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2382,
"title": "Crazy Laws in California"
},
{
"body": "A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, \"Hey lady, you are really ugly.\" Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, \"Hey lady, you are really ugly.\" \r\n\r\nShe was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, \"Hey lady, you are really ugly.\" \r\n\r\nThe lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, \"That's not good,\" and promised he wouldn't say it again. \r\n\r\nWhen the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, \"Hey lady.\" \r\n\r\nShe paused and said, \"Yes?\"\r\n\r\nThe bird said, \"You know.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2383,
"title": "Passing A Parrot"
},
{
"body": "The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. \r\n\r\nHe was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. \r\n\r\nThe shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 2384,
"title": "Fighting The Competition"
},
{
"body": "In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, \"Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.\" \r\n\r\nA woman standing next to him said, \"You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.\" \r\n\r\nThe man looked at her and said, \"Lady, I'm Albert.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2385,
"title": "Calming Your Son"
},
{
"body": "To: Professor _______________\r\nFrom: ____________________\r\n\r\nI think my grade in your course, ___, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the following reasons:\r\n\r\n__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.\r\n\r\n__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.\r\n\r\n__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:\r\n\r\n__Medical School\r\n__Graduate School\r\n__Dental School\r\n__Fraternity/Sorority\r\n__The Mickey Mouse Club\r\n__Tri County Tech\r\n\r\n__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in ______.\r\n\r\n__5. I'll lose my scholarship.\r\n\r\n__6. I'm on a varsity sports team, and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam for me.\r\n\r\n__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.\r\n\r\n__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.\r\n\r\n__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.\r\n\r\n__10. You are prejudiced against:\r\n\r\n__ Males\r\n__ Blacks\r\n__ Females\r\n__ Jews\r\n__ Catholics\r\n__ Whites\r\n__ Protestants\r\n__ Minorities\r\n__ Chicanos\r\n__ Students\r\n__ People\r\n\r\n__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.\r\n\r\n__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:\r\n\r\n__ mono\r\n__ broken baby finger\r\n__ acute alcoholism\r\n__ pregnancy\r\n__ VD\r\n__ fatherhood\r\n\r\n__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.\r\n\r\n__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.\r\n\r\n__15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.\r\n\r\n__16. The lectures were:\r\n\r\n__ too detailed to pick out important points.\r\n__ not explained in any sufficient detail.\r\n__ your class was far too boring.\r\n__ all jokes and not enough material.\r\n__ all of the above.\r\n\r\n__17. This course was:\r\n\r\n__too early, I was not awake.\r\n__at lunchtime, I was hungry.\r\n__too late, I was tired.\r\n\r\n__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.\r\n\r\n__19. Other reason: __________________.",
"category": "College",
"id": 2386,
"title": "The Universal Grade Change Form"
},
{
"body": "God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway. The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. \r\n\r\nNow that I'm older, here's what I've discovered . . . \r\n\r\n1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. \r\n\r\n2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. \r\n\r\n3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. \r\n\r\n4.Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... \r\n\r\n5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.\r\n\r\n6. If all is not lost, where is it? \r\n\r\n7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.\r\n\r\n8. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... \r\n\r\n9. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.\r\n\r\n10. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.\r\n\r\n11. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.\r\n\r\n12. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?\r\n\r\n13. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. \r\n\r\n14. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. \r\n\r\n15. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...\r\nI go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2387,
"title": "The Senility Prayer"
},
{
"body": "A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother said to her, \"No.\" The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, \"Now Brenda, we just have five of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now.\" \r\n\r\nSoon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, \"there, there, Brenda, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out.\" \r\n\r\nWhen they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, \"Brenda, just control yourself, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes.\"\r\n\r\nThe man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. \"I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Brenda,\" he began. \r\n\r\nThe mother replied, \"I'm Brenda - my little girl's name is Ashley.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2388,
"title": "Control Yourself"
},
{
"body": "486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC. \r\n\r\nState-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford. \r\n\r\nObsolete - Any computer you own. \r\n\r\nMicrosecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. \r\n\r\nG3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say \"Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.\" \r\n\r\nSyntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, \"Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.\" \r\n\r\nHard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. \r\n\r\nGUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced \"gooey\") \r\n\r\nKeyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors. \r\n\r\nMouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. \r\n\r\nFloppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. \r\n\r\nPortable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. \r\n\r\nDisk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline. \r\n\r\nPower User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. \r\n\r\nSystem Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 2390,
"title": "Computer Terms"
},
{
"body": "Humphrey comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. \r\n\r\nThe guard stops him and says, \"What's in the bags?\" \r\n\r\n\"Sand,\" answered Humphrey. \r\n\r\nThe guard says, \"Well, we'll see about that. Get off the bike.\" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. \r\n\r\nHe detains Humphrey overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. \r\n\r\nThe guard releases Humphrey, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. \r\n\r\nA week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, \"What have you got?\" \r\n\r\n\"Sand,\" says Humphrey. \r\n\r\nThe guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Humphrey, and watches him cross the border on his bicycle. \r\n\r\nThis sequence of events repeated everyday for three years. Finally, Humphrey doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. \r\n\r\n\"Hey, Buddy,\" says the guard, \"I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?\" \r\n\r\nHumphrey sips his beer and says, \"Bicycles.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2391,
"title": "Two Bags"
},
{
"body": "Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself. \r\n\r\n\r\nDearest creature in creation, \r\nStudy English pronunciation. \r\nI will teach you in my verse \r\nSounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. \r\nI will keep you, Suzy, busy, \r\nMake your head with heat grow dizzy. \r\nTear in eye, your dress will tear. \r\nSo shall I! Oh hear my prayer. \r\n\r\nJust compare heart, beard, and heard, \r\nDies and diet, lord and word, \r\nSword and sward, retain and Britain. \r\n(Mind the latter, how it's written.) \r\nNow I surely will not plague you \r\nWith such words as plaque and ague. \r\nBut be careful how you speak: \r\nSay break and steak, but bleak and streak; \r\nCloven, oven, how and low, \r\nScript, receipt, show, poem, and toe. \r\n\r\nHear me say, devoid of trickery, \r\nDaughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, \r\nTyphoid, measles, topsails, aisles, \r\nExiles, similes, and reviles; \r\nScholar, vicar, and cigar, \r\nSolar, mica, war and far; \r\nOne, anemone, Balmoral, \r\nKitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel; \r\nGertrude, German, wind and mind, \r\nScene, Melpomene, mankind. \r\n\r\nBillet does not rhyme with ballet, \r\nBouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. \r\nBlood and flood are not like food, \r\nNor is mould like should and would. \r\nViscous, viscount, load and broad, \r\nToward, to forward, to reward. \r\nAnd your pronunciation's OK \r\nWhen you correctly say croquet, \r\nRounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, \r\nFriend and fiend, alive and live. \r\n\r\nIvy, privy, famous; clamour \r\nAnd enamour rhyme with hammer. \r\nRiver, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, \r\nDoll and roll and some and home. \r\nStranger does not rhyme with anger, \r\nNeither does devour with clangour. \r\nSouls but foul, haunt but aunt, \r\nFont, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, \r\nShoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, \r\nAnd then singer, ginger, linger, \r\nReal, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, \r\nMarriage, foliage, mirage, and age. \r\n\r\nQuery does not rhyme with very, \r\nNor does fury sound like bury. \r\nDost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth. \r\nJob, nob, bosom, transom, oath. \r\nThough the differences seem little, \r\nWe say actual but victual. \r\nRefer does not rhyme with deafer. \r\nFoeffer does, and zephyr, heifer. \r\nMint, pint, senate and sedate; \r\nDull, bull, and George ate late. \r\nScenic, Arabic, Pacific, \r\nScience, conscience, scientific. \r\n\r\nLiberty, library, heave and heaven, \r\nRachel, ache, moustache, eleven. \r\nWe say hallowed, but allowed, \r\nPeople, leopard, towed, but vowed. \r\nMark the differences, moreover, \r\nBetween mover, cover, clover; \r\nLeeches, breeches, wise, precise, \r\nChalice, but police and lice; \r\nCamel, constable, unstable, \r\nPrinciple, disciple, label. \r\n\r\nPetal, panel, and canal, \r\nWait, surprise, plait, promise, pal. \r\nWorm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, \r\nSenator, spectator, mayor. \r\nTour, but our and succour, four. \r\nGas, alas, and Arkansas. \r\nSea, idea, Korea, area, \r\nPsalm, Maria, but malaria. \r\nYouth, south, southern, cleanse and clean. \r\nDoctrine, turpentine, marine. \r\n\r\nCompare alien with Italian, \r\nDandelion and battalion. \r\nSally with ally, yea, ye, \r\nEye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key. \r\nSay aver, but ever, fever, \r\nNeither, leisure, skein, deceiver. \r\nHeron, granary, canary. \r\nCrevice and device and aerie. \r\n\r\nFace, but preface, not efface. \r\nPhlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. \r\nLarge, but target, gin, give, verging, \r\nOught, out, joust and scour, scourging. \r\nEar, but earn and wear and tear \r\nDo not rhyme with here but ere. \r\nSeven is right, but so is even, \r\nHyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen, \r\nMonkey, donkey, Turk and jerk, \r\nAsk, grasp, wasp, and cork and work. \r\n\r\nPronunciation -- think of Psyche! \r\nIs a paling stout and spikey? \r\nWon't it make you lose your wits, \r\nWriting groats and saying grits? \r\nIt's a dark abyss or tunnel: \r\nStrewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, \r\nIslington and Isle of Wight, \r\nHousewife, verdict and indict. \r\n\r\nFinally, which rhymes with enough -- \r\nThough, through, plough, or dough, or cough? \r\nHiccough has the sound of cup. \r\nMy advice is to give up!!!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 2392,
"title": "Tough English"
},
{
"body": "A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. \r\nShe responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, \"I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?\" \r\n\r\nHe tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, \"What is her name?\" \r\n\r\nHe answers, \"Monica Lewinsky.\" \r\n\r\nThere is a long pause, then his mother asks, \"What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 2393,
"title": "Jewish, Too!"
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2394,
"title": "Rejected Army Slogans"
},
{
"body": "Q) How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA) One, but it takes 3 lightbulbs.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 2395,
"title": "Jugglers"
},
{
"body": "Q)Where do penguins go to dance?\r\nA)The snowball",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2397,
"title": "Penguin Dance"
},
{
"body": "Q)Where do eskimo pigs live?\r\nA)In a pigloo.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2400,
"title": "Eskimo Pigs"
},
{
"body": "Q)Why does a traffic light turn red?\r\nA)You would to if you had to change in front of all those people.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2402,
"title": "Traffic Light"
},
{
"body": "Q)what do you call a polar bear in the jungle?\r\nA)lost!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2403,
"title": "Polar Bear in Jungle"
},
{
"body": "Q)A hippo is sitting on your chair....what time is it?\r\nA)Time to get a new chair",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2405,
"title": "Hippo"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you get when a rooster crosses a duck?\r\nA: A bird that gets up at the quack of dawn!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2407,
"title": "Rooster and a Duck??"
},
{
"body": "Q.Why shouldn't you wear snow boots?\r\nA.Because they will melt!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2408,
"title": "Bad snow boots"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why would Snow White be a good judge?\r\nA.Because she's the fairest in the land.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2409,
"title": "Snow White"
},
{
"body": "Q.Where do tough chickens come from?\r\nA.Hard boiled eggs!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2410,
"title": "Tough Chicken"
},
{
"body": "Q.Why did the house go to the doctor?\r\nA.To get a cure for his window pane!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2411,
"title": "Doctor House"
},
{
"body": "What did the chef name his son?\r\nStu",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2413,
"title": "Chef Offspring"
},
{
"body": "How do you fix a broken tomato?\r\nWith tomato paste!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2415,
"title": "Broken Tomato"
},
{
"body": "After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.\r\n\r\nAdam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful? \r\n\r\nGod: So you will always want to look at her. \r\n\r\nAdam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft? \r\n\r\nGod: So you will always want to touch her. \r\n\r\nAdam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good? \r\n\r\nGod: So you will always want to be near her.\r\n\r\nAdam: That's wonderful Lord ... and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid? \r\n\r\nGod: So she would love you.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2417,
"title": "Adam and Eve"
},
{
"body": "After many years of marriage, a husband turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.\r\n\r\nThis went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.\r\n\r\nThe shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported \"Goony bird\" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, \"Goony bird! The table!\"\r\n\r\nImmediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, \"Goony bird! The shelf!\"\r\n\r\nAgain the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.\r\n\r\n\"Wow!\" said the wife, \"If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!\" So she bought the bird and took it home.\r\n\r\nWhen she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. \"Honey!\" she exclaimed, \"I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!\"\r\n\r\nThe husband, in his usual bored tone replied, \"Goony Bird, my foot!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2420,
"title": "Goony Bird"
},
{
"body": "What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food? \r\n\r\n\"Let us prey.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2421,
"title": "Before Hunting"
},
{
"body": "There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Ferraro 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Ferraro dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted \"240-S\".\r\nThe dealer asks, \"Why 'S'?\"\r\n\r\nThe snail replies, \"'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving.\"\r\n\r\nWell, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.\r\n\r\nThe snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say \"Wow! Look at that S-car go!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2422,
"title": "S Stands For Snail"
},
{
"body": "What did the cat say to the elephant?\r\n\r\n\"......................meOW!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2423,
"title": "A Cat and Elephant"
},
{
"body": "\"Two tone paint work\" - Original color and rust.\r\n\r\n\"One careful owner\" - But the other nine were clumsy as anything.\r\n\r\n\"10,000 trouble-free miles\" - Crashed in the last 20 feet.\r\n\r\n\"Heated rear window\" - So you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter.\r\n\r\n\"Very clean\" - Only washed if and when it rains.\r\n\r\n\"Lady owner\" - The glove box is full of half-used cosmetics.\r\n\r\n\"Clean interior\" - All the rubbish is under the floormats.\r\n\r\n\"Immobilizer\" - The gear shift comes off in your hand.\r\n\r\n\"Anti-theft device\" - I can let you have a Rottweiler cheap.\r\n\r\n\"Drives beautifully\" - ... in a straight line; the steering is all over the place.\r\n\r\n\"Low mileage\" - The odometer is on its third time around.\r\n\r\n\"Full service history\" - Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week.\r\n\r\n\"Economical\" - Doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2424,
"title": "Translated Car Ads"
},
{
"body": "Woman: Honey, do you love me?\r\nMan: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!\r\nWoman: Do I look fat in this?\r\nMan: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!\r\nWoman: Did you enjoy the meal?\r\nMan: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!\r\nWoman: Do you see the wrinkles on my face?\r\nMan: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!\r\n\r\nMan: Do you wanna fool around tonight?\r\nWoman: Sure Honey!\r\nMan: Was it as good for you as it was for me?\r\nWoman: Ask me no questions, i'll tell you no lies!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2425,
"title": "Ask Me No Questions"
},
{
"body": "A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, \"Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?\" \r\n\r\n\"Nah,\" the first girl replied. \"That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all.\" \r\n\r\nThe next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, \"Well, how was his kissing?\" \r\n\r\n\"Ugh!\" the first girl exclaimed. \"Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!\" \r\n\r\nThe next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, \"Well, how was his kissing?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" the first girl replied, \"his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2426,
"title": "Horn Players"
},
{
"body": "On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven. \r\n\r\nSt. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, \"I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. \"Let me go find out.\" and he left. \r\n\r\nThe couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. \"What if it doesn't work?\" they wondered, \"Are we stuck together forever?\" \r\n\r\nSt. Peter returned after yet another month, looking some what bedraggled. \"Yes,\" he informed the couple, \"you can get married in Heaven.\" \r\n\r\n\"Great,\"said the couple, \"but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?\" \r\n\r\nSt. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. \r\n\r\n\"What's wrong?\", asked the frightened couple. \r\n\r\n\"COME ON!\" St. Peter shouted, \"It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2427,
"title": "Married Couple"
},
{
"body": "A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, \"I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book.\" \r\n\r\n\"How current is your copy?\" he asks. \r\n\r\n\"I get a download every ten minutes,\" St. Peter replies, \"why do you ask?\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was immanent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet.\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm glad to hear that,\" Pete says, \"but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?\" \r\n\r\nThe guys thinks for a moment and says, \"Humm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next. \r\n\r\n\"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, \"Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!\" \r\n\r\nSt. Peter, duly impressed, says \"Wow! When did this happen?\" \r\n\r\n\"About three minutes ago.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2428,
"title": "Gates of Heaven"
},
{
"body": "In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.\r\n\r\nThe hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, \"Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!\"\r\n\r\nThe skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.\r\n\r\nSuddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, \"Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive....\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2429,
"title": "A Religious Bear"
},
{
"body": "Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket. \r\n\r\n\"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?\" asks a lawyer. \r\n\r\n\"Watch and you'll see,\" answers an engineer. \r\n\r\nAboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them. \r\n\r\nWhen the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, \"Ticket, please.\" The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. \r\n\r\nThe lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. On the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all! \r\n\r\n\"How on earth are you going to pull this off?\" asks a lawyer. \r\n\r\n\"Watch and you'll see,\" answers an engineer. \r\n\r\nThey board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom. \r\n\r\nShortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. \"Ticket, please!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 2430,
"title": "Ticket Please"
},
{
"body": "- Watching a nature show where animals fornicate, he keeps winking and doing the eyebrow thing.\r\n\r\n- When you ask him what kind of car he likes to drive, he solemnly replies, \"The skin bus to tuna town,\" and then laughs until he cries.\r\n\r\n- You note that integrity is so important in a man, he notes that what he looks for in a \"chick \" is \"you know.\"\r\n\r\n- He whispers, \"You're beautiful,\" to your thighs, then glances up at your face and says, \"Oh you, too.\"\r\n\r\n- When you comment on the rarity of men these days who seek mature relationships, he giggles quite a bit. \r\n\r\n- In conversation with others, he refers to you as his \"quality tail.\"\r\n\r\n- Washing dishes after you've cooked him dinner for the first time, you reach behind you to take the paper towels off the paper-towel rod and then realize that you don't own a paper-towel rod.\r\n\r\n- When you're insulted by his \"motel\" suggestion at the end of your first date, he looks impressed and says, \"Hotel?\"\r\n\r\n- When you proudly recount your glorious high school valedictory speech to him, he praises \"your multi-talented mouth.\"\r\n\r\n- When you tell him what you do for a living, he stares at your breasts and loudly asks, \"What do they do?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2431,
"title": "Signs He Only Wants To Get Laid"
},
{
"body": "An epileptic young woman named Camp\r\nWas seduced on her couch by a tramp\r\nBut the first time he squeezed her\r\nShe had a Grand seizure\r\nAnd broke both his balls and a lamp.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2434,
"title": "A Woman Named Camp"
},
{
"body": "A horny old trapper named Rex\r\nLiked the risks of wild porcupine sex.\r\nBy incredible luck\r\nHis dick never got stuck,\r\nBut his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2437,
"title": "Rex"
},
{
"body": "You're so fat, when you sleep over someone's house, you sleep OVER someone's house!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2440,
"title": "You're So Fat"
},
{
"body": "You're so dumb, you tried to rip the lips off a chicken!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2441,
"title": "Chicken"
},
{
"body": "This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. \r\n\r\n\"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named \"Mighty Storm\"? \r\n\r\n\"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.\" \r\n\r\n\"Why is my sister named \"Cornflower\"? \r\n\r\n\"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.\" \r\n\r\n\"And why is my other sister called \"Moonchild\"? \r\n\r\n\"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.\" \r\n\r\n\"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2442,
"title": "Indian Names"
},
{
"body": "A girl came skipping home from school one day. \r\n\r\n\"Mommy, Mommy,\" she yelled, \"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!\" \r\n\r\n\"Very good,\" said her mother. \r\n\r\n\"Is it because I'm blonde?\" the girl said. \r\n\r\n\"Yes, it's because you're blonde,\" said the mommy. \r\n\r\nThe next day the girl came skipping home from school. \"Mommy, Mommy,\" \r\nshe yelled, \"we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!\" \r\n\r\n\"Very good,\" said her mother. \r\n\r\n\"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, it's because you're blonde.\" \r\n\r\nThe next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,\" \r\nshe yelled, \"we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!\" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. \r\n\r\n\"Very good,\" said her embarrassed mother. \r\n\r\n\"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?\" \r\n\r\n\"No honey, it's because you're 24.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2443,
"title": "Because I'm Blonde?"
},
{
"body": "A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. \r\n\r\nA few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, \"I'm hanging myself.\"\r\n\r\n\"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist,\" said the onlooker. \"I tried that,\" replied the blonde, \"but I couldn't breathe.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2444,
"title": "Suicide"
},
{
"body": "zebra: 25 sizes bigger than an 'A' bra",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2449,
"title": "Daffynition 1"
},
{
"body": "Russian Roulette, by Hugo First",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2450,
"title": "Russian Roulette"
},
{
"body": "The Lazy Boy, by Yu Doit",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2451,
"title": "Laziness"
},
{
"body": "On clothes: do not iron while wearing.\r\n\r\nOn a baby carriage: do not fold while in use.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2452,
"title": "Dumb Warning Labels"
},
{
"body": "There was an Iraqi force moving thru the desert. As they were approaching some mountains they heard (from over the mountains) \"One U.S. Marine can take out 10 Iraqi fighters!\" The General of the army sent out ten of his men to take care of the american, none of them came back after some shooting. Then he heard, \"One U.S. Marine can take out 100 Iraqi fighters!\" So the General sent out 100 of his men after a long time of shooting none of his men returned. Then he heard \"One U.S. Marine can take out 1000 Iraqi fighters!\" The General, angry now, sends 1000 fighters. After a very long time of shooting one man comes back. In his dying breath he said, \"Don't send anymore men! Its a trap, there are two of them.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2453,
"title": "Iraqi Fighters"
},
{
"body": "\"He's great on the court,\" a sportswriter spoke of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. \"But how's his academics?\"\r\n\r\n\"Why, he makes straight A's,\" replied the coach.\r\n\r\n\"Wonderful!\" said the sportswriter.\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" agreed the coach, \"but his B's are a just little crooked.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 2454,
"title": "Academics?"
},
{
"body": "How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nOnly one - but he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 2455,
"title": "NCAA Basketball"
},
{
"body": "What do soccer players drink?\r\n\r\nPenaltea!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2456,
"title": "New Type of Tea"
},
{
"body": "At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, \"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?\" The other replied, \"Yes I am, I married the wrong man.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2457,
"title": "Wrong Finger"
},
{
"body": "My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street. \r\n\"Oh, that's terrible\" \r\n\"Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2458,
"title": "Mother In Law"
},
{
"body": "Two Tough Questions\r\n\r\nQuestion 1:\r\nIf you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?\r\n\r\nRead the next question before looking at the answer for this one.\r\n\r\nQuestion 2:\r\nIt is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.\r\n\r\nCandidate A -\r\nAssociates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.\r\n\r\nCandidate B -\r\nHe was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.\r\n\r\nCandidate C -\r\nHe is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional \r\nbeer and never cheated on his wife.\r\n\r\nWhich of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n-----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\n\r\nCandidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.\r\nCandidate B is Winston Churchill.\r\nCandidate C is Adolph Hitler.\r\n\r\n \r\nAnd, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: \r\nIf you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.\r\n\r\nPretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.\r\nNever be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic and in case you never saw this one...\r\n\r\nCan you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:\r\n\r\n* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse\r\n* 7 have been arrested for fraud\r\n* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks\r\n* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses\r\n* 3 have done time for assault\r\n* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit\r\n* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges\r\n* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting\r\n* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits\r\n* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year\r\n\r\nCan you guess which organization this is?\r\nGive up yet?\r\n\r\nIt's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 2459,
"title": "Two Hard Questions"
},
{
"body": "How do you get holy water? \r\n\r\nYou boil the hell out of it!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2461,
"title": "Water"
},
{
"body": "Locomotive: A crazy reason for a crime!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2462,
"title": "Daffynition 2"
},
{
"body": "A father watched his young son practice baseball in the backyard by throwing the ball up and swinging at it. Time and time again the bat missed contact. The boy noticed his father watching, and said, \"Wow, Dad! Aren't I a great pitcher?\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 2463,
"title": "Practice"
},
{
"body": "Bumper sticker: BE KIND TO ANIMALS. HUG A HOCKEY PLAYER.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 2464,
"title": "Be Kind"
},
{
"body": "I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2465,
"title": "Still Horse"
},
{
"body": "If you receive an e-mail entitled \"Badtimes\", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. This one is pretty nasty.\r\nIt will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.\r\nIt demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.\r\nIt reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers. \r\nIT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.\r\nIt will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? \r\n\r\nIt will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.\r\nIt will replace your shampoo with Nair (for those men out there, this is hair removal cream) and your Nair with Rogaine. \r\nIt will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. \r\nIt will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. \r\n \r\nIf the \"Badtimes\" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously \r\nclose to a full bathtub.\r\nIt will not only remove the forbidden tags from \r\nyour mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk. \r\n\r\n******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.******* \r\n\r\nAnd if you don't send this to 5,000 people in the next 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. \r\n\r\nSend to everyone ..... \r\n \r\nIn case you are a blonde, this is a joke",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 2466,
"title": "Virus Warning"
},
{
"body": "It was a dark, stormy, night. The marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.\r\n\r\nA general stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out \"Sir, good evening, sir!\"\r\n\r\nThe general, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said, \"Good evening, soldier, nice night, isn't it?\"\r\n\r\nWell, it wasn't a nice night, but the private wasn't going to disagree with the general, so the he saluted again and replied, \"Sir, yes sir!\"\r\n\r\nThe general continued, \"You know, there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?\"\r\n\r\nThe private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, \"Sir, yes sir!\"\r\n\r\nThe general, pointing at the dog, \"This is a golden retriever, the best type of dog to train.\"\r\n\r\nThe private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said \"Sir, yes sir!\"\r\n\r\nThe general continued, \"I got this dog for my wife.\"\r\n\r\nThe private simply said, \"Good trade, Sir!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 2467,
"title": "Speaking With The General"
},
{
"body": "On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks \"And get me a whisky, you cow!\" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. \r\n\r\nWhen this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, \"And get me another whisky, you idiot\". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. \r\n\r\nUnaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach \"I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you\". \r\n\r\nThe next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says \"For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2468,
"title": "There's A Parrot On The Plane"
},
{
"body": "One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.\r\n\r\nTom wasn't happy about that: \"When are you going to learn to be polite?\"\r\n\r\nBill: \"If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?\"\r\n\r\nTom: \"The smaller piece, of course.\"\r\n\r\nBill: \"What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2469,
"title": "You Should Try To Be More Polite"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 2470,
"title": "How Many..."
},
{
"body": "Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords\r\n\r\nCould you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. \r\n\r\nI want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. \r\n\r\nWhen the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2471,
"title": "Letters to a landlord"
},
{
"body": "One day there was a woman who lost her cat named \"LOVE.\" It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.\r\n\r\nWhen a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, \"I'm looking for LOVE.\" The policeman arrested her on the spot.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2472,
"title": "Strange name for Cats"
},
{
"body": "10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.\r\n\r\n9. Today is our what?\r\n\r\n8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?\r\n\r\n7. I thought we only celebrated important events?\r\n\r\n6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.\r\n\r\n5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought, \"Why bother?\"\r\n\r\n4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.\r\n\r\n3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.\r\n\r\n2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.\r\n\r\n1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2473,
"title": "Top 10 Things Not To Say On Your Anniversary"
},
{
"body": "What do u call, a hippopotamus that dances?\r\n A hiphopanominus",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2482,
"title": "Hahaha"
},
{
"body": "How do you make a Kleenex dance?\r\n\r\nPut a little boogie in it!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2483,
"title": "Boogie"
},
{
"body": "What is the square root of 69?\r\n\r\nAte something (8....)",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 2485,
"title": "What is the square"
},
{
"body": "Why does Santa have 3 gardens? \r\n\r\nSo he can ho ho ho.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2489,
"title": "Ho Ho Ho"
},
{
"body": "I used to think you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 2491,
"title": "Nuts"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 2502,
"title": "Politics"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many believable, competent, \"just right for the job\" presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?\r\nA: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 2503,
"title": "Just Right For The Job"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: Does it have to be a lightbulb?",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 2504,
"title": "Art Directors"
},
{
"body": "Why do firemen use red suspenders?\r\n\r\nTo hold their pants up!!!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2506,
"title": "Fireman"
},
{
"body": "You're so dumb, you staple in the middle of the paper!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 2507,
"title": "Idiot!"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so stupid that she gets lost in a telephone booth.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2509,
"title": "Telephone Booth"
},
{
"body": "Q: You know what's gross?\r\n\r\nA: When you look in a mirror!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 2512,
"title": "Mirrors"
},
{
"body": "Why didn't the chicken cross the road?\r\n\r\nBecause he was attempting to cross it when yo mamma got hungry.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2513,
"title": "Chicken Killer"
},
{
"body": "Q:What do you call a 500 pound Russian that can bend you like a bendy straw?\r\n\r\nA:Sir",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 2514,
"title": "Russian Redneck"
},
{
"body": "What's black and white and played all over?\r\n\r\n\r\nBlack and White (the computer game)",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2515,
"title": "Whats Black and White..."
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken cross the playground?\r\n\r\nTo get to the other slide!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2522,
"title": "Playground"
},
{
"body": "How many nerds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nOne to be the cunsultant. \r\nOne to be the labor manager.\r\nTwo to hire people.\r\nFour to actually screw in the lightbulb.\r\nFive to be the ladder and ten to be the company board of directors.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 2523,
"title": "Nerds"
},
{
"body": "How To Easily Clean A Cat \r\n\r\n\r\n1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. \r\n\r\n2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. \r\n\r\n3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. \r\n\r\n4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. \r\n\r\n5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a \"powerwash and rinse\" which I have found to be quite effective. \r\n\r\n6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. \r\n\r\n7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. \r\n\r\n8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2524,
"title": "How to Easily Clean a Cat"
},
{
"body": "Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, \"Give me all your money or I'll shoot,\" the man shouted, \"That's not what I said!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2525,
"title": "Ultra dumb People"
},
{
"body": "The cop got out of his and walked up to the kid who was stopped for speeding. He rolled down his window.\r\n\r\n\"I've been waiting for you all day,\" the cop said.\r\n\r\nThe guy replied, \"Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.\" When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2526,
"title": "Caught for Speeding"
},
{
"body": "1. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.\r\n\r\n2. Ask, \"Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?\"\r\n\r\n3. After he describes each special, you shout, \"Garbage!\"\r\n\r\n4. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, \"Minimum wage\".\r\n\r\n5. Every few seconds, yell, \"More waffles, Cuomo!\"\r\n\r\n6. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.\r\n\r\n7. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, \"You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?\"\r\n\r\n8. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.\r\n\r\n9. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, \"He's gonna spit in the chowder!\"\r\n\r\n10. Three words: eat the check.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2527,
"title": "Ways to annoy your waiter"
},
{
"body": "\"Don't be afraid of the dog,\" said the lady to young Johnny, who was delivering her groceries. \r\n\r\n\"You know the old proverb, 'A barking dog never bites?'\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" replied young Johnny. \"You know the proverb. I know the proverb. But does your dog know the proverb?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2528,
"title": "The Old Proverb"
},
{
"body": "Three little boys went into a candy store. \"I want two cents worth of jelly beans,\" the first boy said to the clerk. The clerk frowned. The jelly beans were on the top self, and he didn't like climbing up there just to sell two cents worth, but he did it. When he came down, he put away his ladder and turned to the second boy.\r\n\r\n\"What will you have?\" he asked.\r\n\r\n\"I'll have two cents worth of jelly beans, too,\" said the boy. Angrily, the clerk got the ladder and climbed up to get the jelly beans. While he was still up there, he turned to the third boy.\r\n\r\n\"You don't want two cents worth of jelly beans, do you?\" asked the man.\r\n\r\n\"No, sir,\" answered the third boy, so the man climbed down and put away the ladder.\r\n\r\n\"Now, what do you want?\" the clerk asked the boy.\r\n\r\n\"A nickel's worth of the jelly beans,\" replied the lad.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2529,
"title": "Buying Candy"
},
{
"body": "Acquaintance: A person you know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.\r\n\r\nBachelor: A guy who gets to keep all his take-home pay.\r\n\r\nPedestrian: A father who has teenagers who can drive.\r\n\r\nHonesty: The fear of being caught.\r\n\r\nZebra: A horse prisoner.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2530,
"title": "Dizzy Definitions"
},
{
"body": "A fine-looking gentleman sat down in the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself. After he was given the check, he summoned the head waiter.\r\n\r\n\"Ah, my friend,\" he said, \"that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners and thrown into the gutter just as if I were a bum!\"\r\n\r\n\"I am so sorry, sir\" said the head waiter. \"But, you understand-\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh it's quite all right!\" interrupted the gentleman, but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2531,
"title": "I'll Have To Trouble You Again"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a herd of white people?\r\nAvalanche\r\nWhat do you call a herd of black people?\r\nMudslide\r\nWhat do you call a herd of mexicans?\r\nJailbreak!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2538,
"title": "Types of People"
},
{
"body": "A successful, wealthy and very arrogant bigshot city lawyer and a redneck got into a car wreck on a hot summer day. The lawyer got out of his BMW and the redneck got out of his pickup to survey the damage, and the redneck realized he was at fault... \r\n\r\n\"YOU STUPID REDNECK!\" shouted the lawyer, looking with contempt at the redneck in his dirty overalls. \r\n\r\n\"Now how am I gonna get outa this?\" though the redneck to himself. Then he had an idea...\r\n\r\nAfter looking over the handsome, impeccably dressed and dignified city lawyer in his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped suit, carefully knotted red silk tie, starched white shirt, silver cufflinks and black dress shoes polished like mirrors, $1,000 briefcase and hundred dollar haircut, the redneck walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back. \r\n\r\nHe handed it to the hotshot and said, \"Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It'll steady your nerves....IT'S HOMEMADE...\" \r\n\r\nThe lawyer did, but was so angry about the wreck, he refused to speak. The redneck then said, \"You still look a little bit pale. How about another?\" And the smug, pompous lawyer took another swallow. After a few minutes, he began to feel the heat of the sun through his wool suit.\r\n\r\nThen the redneck said \"It's mighty hot today. Folks 'round here don't usually wear shoes on a day like those. Why don't you take off them fancy shoes, and the socks, too?\"\r\n\r\nThe lawyer frowned: \"Take off my shoes and socks? Do I LOOK like someone who would walk around barefoot? That's fine for hicks, but not for a professional like ME! These are $500 shoes!\"\r\n\r\nBut after a few more sips, the redneck asked him again, and then again, and then again, and finally the lawyer, feeling the white lightnin', let out a laugh and took off his polished shoes and socks. Then the redneck said: \"Why don't you take off that fancy necktie?\"\r\n\r\nThe lawyer said: \"My tie!\", but in a minute, the silk tie was dropped on top of the shoes and the socks.\r\n\r\nThe redneck grinned and held up an extra pair of overalls he found in his pickup. \"And that fancy business suit? You look kind of funny standing there barefoot in a suit on a 100 degree day! You can wear these while we figger out what to do about this situation!\"\r\n\r\nThe lawyer tried to give him an arrogant look, but he was feeling the heat of the sun and the liquor. He tried to resist, but...\r\n\r\nOff came the jacket of the $2,000 pinstriped suit. Then the starched white shirt. Finally, the trousers, too, and the lawyer pulled on the overalls. \r\n\r\n\"Now ain't that more comfortable?!\" said the redneck.\r\n\r\nAt the urging of the redneck, the lawyer then took another sip, and another, and another. \r\n\r\nThe suspenders and the cufflinks and the briefcase were all in a heap now, and the lawyer was having a hard time standing up. After another half hour, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the redneck if he didn't think that he ought to have a little nip, too. Then he realized he couldn't find the redneck...\r\n\r\n\"Not me\", the redneck replied, stepping out from behind a tree. The lawyer stared at him in shock, but was now so drunk he couldn't stand up. The redneck was wearing the lawyer's clothes, holding his briefcase, shaving with a razor he found in the briefcase and holding the keys to his BMW. \r\n\r\nThen he reached over and pulled the Rolex off the lawyer's arm and as a final touch, rubbed some dirt into the lawyer's manicured hands and expensive haircut. He looked at the formerly well-dressed and dignified lawyer, sitting in the dirt, barefoot in overalls and drunk as a skunk and looking like a true redneck, \"I'm waiting for the state trooper.\" . . . . . .",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 2539,
"title": "The Well-Dressed Lawyer and the Redneck"
},
{
"body": "NOTE: This is a true story of a real call to a computor company tech support.\r\n\r\nOne day a guy calls tech support. this is how it went...\r\n\r\nCust: Hello?\r\n\r\nTS: Hello\r\n\r\nCust: Yeah, my cup holder broke and my computor is still under warranty, so I would like to get it replaced.\r\n\r\nTS: Ummm cup holder?\r\n\r\nCust: yeah cup holder...\r\n\r\nTS: Ummm did you get it with a promotional offer?\r\n\r\nCust: No\r\n\r\nTS: Umm are you sure you got the right company?\r\n\r\nCust: Yeah\r\n\r\nTS: Ummm... im sorry if i sound confused, because i am.\r\n\r\nCust: Well its square, and its on the front of the computor, and it comes out when you press a button...\r\n\r\nAt this point the Tech support guy had to put the guy on hold, so he could finish laughing... \r\n\r\nThe guy had broken his CD-rom drive, thinking it was a cup holder.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 2540,
"title": "Tech Support: Always There For You"
},
{
"body": "Guy1: Thats a bunch of cows.\r\nFarmer: No, a herd.\r\nGuy1: Of course I've heard of cows.\r\nFarmer:.No, I mean the cow herd\r\nGuy1: I have no secrets from cows",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2545,
"title": "An idiot and Cows"
},
{
"body": "If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.\r\n\r\nMake up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.\r\n\r\nUse CB lingo where applicable.\r\n\r\nOrder a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.\r\n\r\nTerminate the call with, \"Remember, we never had this conversation.\"\r\n\r\nTell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.\r\n\r\nGive them your address, exclaim \"Oh, just surprise me!\" and hang up.\r\n\r\nAnswer their questions with questions.\r\n\r\nIn your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.\r\n\r\nUse these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.\r\n\r\nTell them to put the crust on top this time.\r\n\r\nSing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's \"Master of Puppets\" CD.\r\n\r\nDo not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.\r\n\r\nPut an extra edge in your voice when you say \"crazy bread.\"\r\n\r\nStutter on the letter \"p.\"\r\n\r\nAsk for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)\r\n\r\nAsk what the order taker is wearing.\r\n\r\nCrack your knuckles into the receiver.\r\n\r\nSay hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.\r\n\r\nRattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.\r\n\r\nTell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.\r\n\r\nMake a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.\r\n\r\nChange your accent every three seconds.\r\n\r\nOrder 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.\r\n\r\nAct like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say \"Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?\"\r\n\r\nStart your order with \"I'd like. . . \". A little later, slap yourself and say \"No, I don't.\"\r\n\r\nIf they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say \"OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.\"\r\n\r\nRent a pizza.\r\n\r\nOrder while using an electric knife sharpener.\r\n\r\nAsk if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.\r\n\r\nPut the accent on the last syllable of \"pepperoni.\" Use the long \"i\" sound.\r\n\r\nHave your pizza \"shaken, not stirred.\"\r\n\r\nSay \"Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say \"Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!\" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, \"Do you know what it's like to be lied to?\"\r\n\r\nMove the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.\r\n\r\nTell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.\r\n\r\nImitate the order taker's voice.\r\n\r\nEliminate verbs from your speech.\r\n\r\nWhen they say \"What would you like?\" say, \"Huh? Oh, you mean now.\"\r\n\r\nPlay a sitar in the background.\r\n\r\nSay it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.\r\n\r\nAmuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.\r\n\r\nAsk to see a menu.\r\n\r\nQuote Carl Sandberg.\r\n\r\nSay you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.\r\n\r\nAsk if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.\r\n\r\nAsk what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.\r\n\r\nBelch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.\r\n\r\nOrder a slice, not a whole pizza.\r\n\r\nShout \"I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!\"\r\n\r\nDoze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say \"Where was I? Who are you?\"\r\n\r\nPsychoanalyze the order taker.\r\n\r\nAsk what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.\r\n\r\nOrder two toppings, then say, \"No, they'll start fighting.\"\r\n\r\nLearn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.\r\n\r\nCall to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.\r\n\r\nTell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.\r\n\r\nReport a petty theft to the order taker.\r\n\r\nUse expletives like \"Great Caesar's Ghost\" and \"Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.\"\r\n\r\nAsk for the guy who took your order last time.\r\n\r\nIf he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, \"I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.\"\r\n\r\nWonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.\r\n\r\nTry to talk while drinking something.\r\n\r\nStart the conversation with \"My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!\"\r\n\r\nAsk if the pizza is organically grown.\r\n\r\nAsk about pizza maintenance and repair.\r\n\r\nBe vague in your order.\r\n\r\nWhen they repeat your order, say \"Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.\"\r\n\r\nIf using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.\r\n\r\nAfter ordering, say \"I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.\" Simulate a cutoff.\r\n\r\nStart the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, \"This may be my last entry.\"\r\n\r\nState your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.\r\n\r\nAsk if they're familiar with the term \"spanking a pizza.\" Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.\r\n\r\nSay \"Kssssssssssssssht\" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.\r\n\r\nDetect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.\r\n\r\nWhen listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.\r\n\r\nLearn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.\r\n\r\nAsk if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.\r\n\r\nPerfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.\r\n\r\nPut them on hold.\r\n\r\nTeach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.\r\n\r\nMumble, \"There's a bomb under your seat.\" When asked to repeat that, say \"I said 'sauce smothered with meat'.\"\r\n\r\nMake the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say \"No mushrooms, please.\" Hang up before they have a chance to respond.\r\n\r\nWhen the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say \"You just don't get it, do you?\"\r\n\r\nWhen you'ge given the price, say \"Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.\"\r\n\r\nHaggle.\r\n\r\nOrder a one-inch pizza.\r\n\r\nOrder term life insurance.\r\n\r\nWhen they say \"Will that be all?\", snicker and say \"We'll find out, won't we?\"\r\n\r\nOrder with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.\r\n\r\nAsk how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.\r\n\r\nWhile on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.\r\n\r\nEngage in some serious swapping.\r\n\r\nDance all around the word \"pizza.\" Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say \"Please don't mention that word.\"\r\n\r\nHave a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell \"OW!\" when a bullet is fired.\r\n\r\nIf he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.\r\n\r\nAsk if the pizza has had its shots.\r\n\r\nOrder a steamed pizza.\r\n\r\nGet taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, \"This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so.\" Hang up.\r\n\r\nOffer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.\r\n\r\nIf any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, Say, in your best pouty voice, \"Last guy let me do it.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2548,
"title": "Fun Ways To Order Pizza"
},
{
"body": "One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames.\r\n\r\nThe alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,\"All of our\r\nsecret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.\r\n\r\nBut the roaring flames held the firefighters off.\r\n\r\nSoon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could\r\nbring out the company's secret files.\r\n\r\nFrom the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company of Danielson, composed entirely of men over the age of 65.\r\n\r\nTo everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.\r\n\r\nWithin a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.\r\n\r\nThe grateful chemical company president joyfully accounced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.\r\n\r\nThe local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, \"What are you going to do with all that money\"?\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said Mo, the 70-year-old fire chief, The first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that f*cking truck\"!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 2549,
"title": "FIRE!!!"
},
{
"body": "Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, AOL Disks, etc.) \r\n\r\nWait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, \"Trick or Treat!\" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused. \r\n\r\nFill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, \"Top Secret\" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, \"It's about time you got here,\" give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door. \r\n\r\nGet about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, \"Come in.\" When they do, have everyone yell, \"Surprise!!!\" Act like it's a surprise party. \r\n\r\nGet everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural \"whirring\" sound. \r\n\r\nAfter you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill. \r\n\r\nOpen the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away. \r\n\r\nWhen you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, \"Crawl for it!\" \r\n\r\nWhen you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away. \r\n\r\nInsist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy. \r\n\r\nHand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list. \r\n\r\nGet a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house. \r\n\r\nWhen people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can. \r\n\r\nAnswer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar. \r\n\r\nInstead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter. \r\n\r\nAnswer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay. \r\n\r\nAnswer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy. \r\n\r\nHand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin. \r\n\r\nPut a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin. \r\n\r\nDress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2550,
"title": "Fun Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters"
},
{
"body": "In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, \"Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?\" \r\nLittle Stevie raised his hand and said, \"I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.\" \r\n\r\nThe teacher nodded and called on little Susie. \r\n\r\nLittle Susie said, \"I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette\" \r\n\r\nThe teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, \"I would want silicon.\" \r\n\r\nThe teacher said, \"Why Johnny?\" \r\n\r\nHe responded by saying, \"Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 2551,
"title": "Raw Elements"
},
{
"body": "Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2552,
"title": "Condom Friends"
},
{
"body": "While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. \r\n\r\nShe was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. \r\n\r\nOne day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. \r\n\r\nAs I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, \"The tooth fairy will never believe this!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2553,
"title": "Little Girl and the Elderly"
},
{
"body": "A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages. \r\n\"Momma, look what I found,\" the boy called out. \"What have you got there, dear?\" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: \r\n\r\n\"It's Adam's suit!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2554,
"title": "A Little Boy and the Bible"
},
{
"body": "Q. How do you know when you're REALLY ugly? \r\nA. Your dog humps your leg with his eyes closed",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 2555,
"title": "How do you know?"
},
{
"body": "Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?\r\nWoman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.\r\n\r\nMan: Is this seat empty?\r\nWoman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.\r\n\r\nMan: Your place or mine?\r\nWoman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.\r\n\r\nMan: So, what do you do for a living?\r\nWoman: I'm a female inpersonator.\r\n\r\nMan: Hey baby, what's your sign?\r\nWoman: Do not enter.\r\n\r\nMan: How do you like your eggs in the morning?\r\nWoman: Unfertilized.\r\n\r\nMan: Your body is like a temple.\r\nWoman: Sorry, there are no services today.\r\n\r\nMan: I would go to the end of the world for you.\r\nWoman: But would you stay there?\r\n\r\nMan: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.\r\nWoman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2558,
"title": "Female Comebacks"
},
{
"body": "A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. \"I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum.\"\r\n\r\n\"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2562,
"title": "Bum"
},
{
"body": "A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read, \"I am perfectly well.\"\r\n\r\nA week later, the joker received a heavy parcel - collect - on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message, \"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2563,
"title": "Telegram"
},
{
"body": "While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the \"good old days.\"\r\n\r\nEventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, \"Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yup, we sure are,\" Roy replied.\r\n\r\n\"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?\" another man asked.\r\n\r\nThe old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, \"For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2564,
"title": "50th Anniversary"
},
{
"body": "1. Happy Anniversery!\r\n\r\n2.You're wearing THAT to the party!!??\r\n\r\n3.Do I look fat in this?\r\n\r\n4.You didn't know it was my birthday today!?\r\n\r\n5.Oh my god! Can't we just be friends!\r\n\r\n6.Listen honey we have to talk... I think, I'm pregnant.\r\n\r\n7.Here's 100 dollars!\r\n\r\n8.Hey! Is it okay if some of my friends come over to watch football and we go crazy when our team loses.\r\n\r\n9.Sweetie can we not do it tonight?\r\n\r\n10.Honey I'm home! How have you been today?!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2566,
"title": "Ten things a man will never say"
},
{
"body": "1. Happy aniversery!\r\n\r\n2. Do I look fat in this?\r\n\r\n3. Heres 100 dollars! Buy whatever you want.\r\n\r\n4. I think im pregnant.\r\n\r\n5. Do you wanna come shopping with me and my \r\nfriends? We're going to Victoria's Secret.\r\n\r\n6. I'm cheating on you with 1 other man and 2 women.\r\n\r\n7. Hunney... can we not do it tonight. I'm just not in the mood.\r\n\r\n8. Do you just wanna go on a vacation just me and you? We can go to the Bahamas!\r\n\r\n9. I'm sorry.\r\n\r\n10. Whenever you wanna get divorced just tell me.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2567,
"title": "10 Things A Man Would Never Say"
},
{
"body": "Hunny, you forgot to put down the toilet seat again.\r\n\r\nOh my God! you don't know how to fix a car.\r\n\r\nWife says: How do I look? \r\nMan: Terrible, go change!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2568,
"title": "Some More Things Men Would Never Say"
},
{
"body": "Three men, a fat man, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican, are standing on a bridge. The Russian removes a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip, and then throws the bottle over the bridge.\r\n\r\nThe Puerto Rican asks, \"Why did you do that? That was perfectly good bottle of vodka!\"\r\n\r\nThe Russian replies, \"There's plenty of that where I come from.\"\r\n\r\nThe Puerto Rican doesn't want to be upstaged, so he removes a joint from his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws the rest of it over the bridge.\r\n\r\nThe fat man exclaims, \"Hey! What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good joint!\"\r\n\r\nThe Puerto Rican replies, \"There's plenty of that where I come from.\"\r\n\r\nNow, the fat man doesn't want to be upstaged, so he searches through his pockets but he can't find anything. He looks around for a moment, then rips off his stomach and throws it over the bridge.\r\n\r\nThe Russian exclaims, \"What the hell did you do that for?Thats gross!\"\r\n\r\nThe American replies, \"There's plenty of that where I come from.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 2569,
"title": "Three men"
},
{
"body": "A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, \"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.\"\r\n\r\nHe looks at her and says angrily, \"Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly.\"\r\n\r\nTo which he replies, \"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.\"\r\n\r\n\"Fine,\" she says, \"Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're a mess and a real hazard.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,\" he says. \"Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.\" He continued, \"In fact, I've had enough of all your bickering. I'm going to the bar!\"\r\n\r\nSo, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores.\r\n\r\nAs he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again, and, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed.\r\n\r\n\"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?\"\r\n\r\nHis wife replies, \"Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake.\"\r\n\r\n\"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?\" asks the husband.\r\n\r\n\"Hellooooooo!\" she replies emphatically, \"Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2573,
"title": "I dont think so!"
},
{
"body": "After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, \"It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.\" \r\n\r\nAdam answered, \"Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?\"\r\n \r\nSo the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, \"Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.\" \r\n \r\nAnd the Lord replied, \"Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve.\" \r\n\r\nAdam said, \"What is a caress?\" \r\n\r\nSo the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, \"Lord, that was even better than the kiss.\" \r\n \r\nAnd the Lord said, \"'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.\" \r\n\r\nAdam asked, \"What is 'make love' Lord?\" \r\n\r\nSo the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went behind the bush with Eve, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. \r\n \r\nAnd Adam said, \"Lord, what is a headache?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2576,
"title": "Lord's Instructions to Adam"
},
{
"body": "Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. \r\n\r\nMan who run in front of car get tired. \r\n\r\nMan who run behind car get exhausted. \r\n\r\nMan with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. \r\n\r\nFoolish man give wife grand piano, wise man\r\ngive wife upright organ. \r\n\r\nMan who walk through airport turnstile\r\nsideways going to Bangkok. \r\n\r\nMan with one chopstick go hungry. \r\n\r\nMan who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. \r\n\r\nPanties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. \r\n\r\nWar does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. \r\n\r\nWife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. \r\n\r\nMan who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. \r\n\r\nIt take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. \r\n\r\nMan who drive like hell, bound to get there. \r\n\r\nMan who fart in church sit in own pew. \r\n\r\nCrowded elevator smell different to midget.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2577,
"title": "Chinese Proverds"
},
{
"body": "THE CLINTON Virus...(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.) \r\n\r\nTHE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy) \r\n\r\nTHE LEWINSKY virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, \r\nthen emails your best friends about what it did). \r\n\r\nTHE RONALD REAGAN virus...(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored) \r\n\r\nTHE MIKE TYSON virus...(Quits after two bytes) \r\n\r\nTHE OPRAH WINFREY virus... (Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200.) \r\n\r\nTHE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...(Deletes all old files) \r\n\r\nTHE PROZAC virus...(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care) \r\n\r\nTHE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...(Only attacks minor files) \r\n\r\nTHE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back) and last but not least............... \r\n\r\nTHE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2578,
"title": " Viruses you might catch"
},
{
"body": "After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.\r\n\r\nThey passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, \"What's that?\" Adam replied, \"Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2579,
"title": "House and Home"
},
{
"body": "A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. \"Thank you very much,\" said he, \"for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw in A Publican.' You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw in a Republican' I had the biggest crowd of the year!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2580,
"title": "Sermon Topic"
},
{
"body": "The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, \"Pastor, I will contribute $1,000.\" Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, \"Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000.\" Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, \"Pastor, I will double my last pledge.\" He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, \"Pastor, I will give $20,000!\" This prompted a deacon to shout, \"Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2581,
"title": "Hit Him Again!!"
},
{
"body": "A man named Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day, when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall. He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet. \r\n\r\nHe couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff. So Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something. \r\n\r\n\"HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? \"HELP!\" \r\n\r\nHe yelled for a long time, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice. \"Jack, Jack, can you hear me?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here!\" \r\n\r\n\"I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, but who are you, and where are you?\" \r\n\r\n\"I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere.\" \r\n\r\n\"The Lord? You mean, GOD?\" \r\n\r\n\"That's Me.\" \r\n\r\n\"God, please help me! I promise if you'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning. I'll be a really good person. I'll serve You for the rest of my life.\" \r\n\r\n\"Easy on the promises, Jack. Let's get you off from there; then we can talk. Now, here's what I want you to do. Listen carefully.\" \r\n\r\n\"I'll do anything, Lord. Just tell me what to do.\" \r\n\r\n\"Okay. Let go of the branch.\"\r\n\r\n\"What?\"\r\n\r\n\"I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go.\" \r\n\r\nThere was a long silence. \r\n\r\nFinally Jack yelled, \"HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2583,
"title": "The Fall"
},
{
"body": "A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door. \r\n\r\nThe next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10. \r\n\r\nRevelation 3:20 reads: \"Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.\" \r\n\r\nGenesis 3:10 reads: \"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2584,
"title": "The New Pastor"
},
{
"body": "A Little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, \"Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark.\" The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. \"You don't have to be afraid of the dark,\" she explained. \"Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you.\" \r\n\r\nThe little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, \"Are you sure he's out there?\" \"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,\" she said. \r\n\r\nThe little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called \"Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2585,
"title": "Jesus is Everywhere"
},
{
"body": "This husband and wife couldn't have any children, so they went to the pastor and asked for prayer.\r\n\r\nThe pastor prayed for them and annointed them with oil.\r\n\r\nSure enough, about 9 months later they had triplet babies. The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. \"What was that all about\"? he asked.\r\n\r\nShe replied, \"I'm just glad you used three in one oil and not WD40.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2586,
"title": "WD40"
},
{
"body": "A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson; \"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'\" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, \"Ryan, you be Jesus!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2587,
"title": "The First pancake"
},
{
"body": "At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.\r\n\r\nLater in the week, his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said, \"Johnny, what is the matter?\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny responded, \"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2588,
"title": "Little Johnny"
},
{
"body": "This form is designed for excuse you'll need for the trouble you've caused.. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. \r\n\r\nDear:\r\na) Mom\r\nb) Dad\r\nc) Love of my life\r\nd) Teacher\r\ne) Local Police Chief \r\n\r\nWords cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your\r\na) Car\r\nb) House\r\nc) Pet\r\nd) Hair\r\ne) Left arm \r\n\r\nwas severely damaged by my\r\n\r\na) infantile\r\nb) puerile\r\nc) inept\r\nd) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic\r\ne) woefully under appreciated \r\n\r\nprank.\r\n\r\nHow could I have known that the\r\n\r\na) car\r\nb) jet ski\r\nc) large helium balloon\r\nd) rodent driven sledge\r\ne) Zamboni \r\n\r\nI was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your\r\n\r\na) house\r\nb) wife\r\nc) Cub Scout troop\r\nd) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch\r\ne) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans, \r\n\r\nyou must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to\r\n\r\na) imagine\r\nb) fathom\r\nc) comprehend\r\nd) appreciate\r\ne) pay for \r\n\r\nand I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to\r\n\r\na) hate me\r\nb) sue me\r\nc) spank me\r\nd) take my firstborn\r\ne) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond, \r\n\r\nbut I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at\r\n\r\na) school\r\nb) work\r\nc) church\r\nd) the bowling alley\r\ne) the municipal jail, \r\n\r\nand to remember that I am first and foremost your\r\n\r\na) friend\r\nb) child\r\nc) sibling\r\nd) lease co-signer\r\ne) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant. \r\n\r\nI think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that\r\n\r\na) was so stupid\r\nb) was so silly\r\nc) would have been funny if it worked\r\nd) you would have done, if you had thought of it first\r\ne) I'm going to use again on someone else.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2590,
"title": "Excuse Form For All Occasions"
},
{
"body": "The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.\r\n\r\n\r\nAncient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.\r\n\r\nMoses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened read, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.\r\n\r\nSolomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.\r\n\r\nThe Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.\r\n\r\nSocrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.\r\n\r\nIn the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.\r\n\r\nJulius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: \"Tee hee, Brutus.\"\r\n\r\nJoan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.\r\n\r\nQueen Elizabeth was the \"Virgin Queen.\" As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted \"hurrah.\"\r\n\r\nIt was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100 foot clipper.\r\n\r\nThe greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.\r\n\r\nWriting at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.\r\n\r\nDelegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, \"A horse divided against itself cannot stand.\" Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.\r\n\r\nAbraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.\r\n\r\nJohann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.\r\n\r\nBeethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.\r\n\r\nThe nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2591,
"title": "6th Grade Stupidity"
},
{
"body": "John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. \r\n\r\nOver the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, \"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.\" \r\n\r\nAbout a week later, Julie came to John and said, \"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?\" John said, \"Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure.\" \r\n\r\nSo he sat down and wrote: \"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John\" \r\n\r\nSeveral days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: \"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2592,
"title": "Don't Lie to your Mom"
},
{
"body": "1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.\r\n\r\n2. Cry. Cry often.\r\n\r\n3. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago...or with other boyfriends.\r\n\r\n4. Make them apologize for everything.\r\n\r\n5. Get mad at them for everything.\r\n\r\n6. Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.\r\n\r\n7. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his Little Princess.\r\n\r\n8. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.\r\n\r\n9. Criticize the way they dress.\r\n\r\n10. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24/7. Then compare and contrast.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2593,
"title": "How To Drive Men Crazy!"
},
{
"body": "The following are copies of actual written statements submitted to the police on report forms. The drivers were instructed to give brief statements on the particulars of the accident in their own words. \r\n\r\nHere are some examples ....... \r\n\r\nWoman Driver: I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. \r\n\r\nMan Driver: A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. \r\n \r\nWoman Driver: The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. \r\n\r\nMan Driver: I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. \r\n\r\nMan Driver: In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. \r\n\r\nMan Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident. \r\n\r\nWoman Driver: I saw the slow moving, sad face, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. \r\n\r\nWoman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way. \r\n\r\nMan Driver: I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. \r\n\r\nMan Driver: To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. \r\n\r\nWoman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. \r\n\r\nWoman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. \r\n \r\nMan Driver: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. \r\n\r\nMan Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2594,
"title": "Actual Car Accident Statements"
},
{
"body": "Grandchildren are God's reward\r\nfor not killing your children.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2595,
"title": "Grandchildren"
},
{
"body": "A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening. \r\n\r\nAs it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there. \r\n\r\nAs the woman walked into her house, she saw Jerves \r\nsitting by himself in the dining room. She called for \r\nhim to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. \r\n\r\nShe looked at him and smiled. \"Jerves,\" she said, \"take off my dress.\" He did this carefully. \"Jerves,\" she continued, \"take off my stockings and garter.\" He silently obeyed her. \"Jerves,\" she then said, \"remove my bra and panties.\" As he did this, the tension continued to mount. \r\n\r\nShe looked at him and then said, \"Jerves, if I ever \r\ncatch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2596,
"title": "A Night to Remember"
},
{
"body": "This Is From A Florida Newspaper...\r\n\r\nA man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. \r\n\r\nThe wife, hearing the crash,ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor,cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill,the wife went down several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. \r\n\r\nAfter the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom,sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. \r\n\r\nThe wife, who was in the kitchen,heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. \r\n\r\nThe same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them on the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how her husband had burned himself. \r\n\r\nShe told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2598,
"title": "One Heck of a Bad Day!!!!"
},
{
"body": "No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.\r\n\r\nWarn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you-or holding you in his arms.\r\n\r\nBozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)\r\n\r\nDuring lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.\r\n\r\nIn Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.\r\n\r\nClinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.\r\n\r\nIt's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.\r\n\r\nIn Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.\r\n\r\nIn Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.\r\n\r\nA law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.\r\n\r\nIn Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.\r\n\r\nIn Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.\r\n\r\nThe owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.\r\n\r\nAnother law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.\r\n\r\nA state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.\r\n\r\nAn excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. \"No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club\". The following important ammendment however is to be considered here: \"The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses.\"\r\n\r\nIn Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.\r\n\r\nAny couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.\r\n\r\nIn Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.\r\n\r\nIn Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because \"The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.\"\r\n\r\nIn Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.\r\n\r\nIn Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.\r\n\r\nAn ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!\r\n\r\nIn Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-for men only-called a corset inspector.)\r\n\r\nIn Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.\r\n\r\nIn Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.\r\n\r\nIn hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!\r\n\r\nA Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.\r\n\r\nUtah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.\r\n\r\nIn Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.\r\n\r\nThe only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.\r\n\r\nIn Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.\r\n\r\nIn the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2604,
"title": "Weird Local Sex Laws"
},
{
"body": "Shit may be the most powerful word in the english language:\r\n\r\nYou can be shitfaced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or decide to shit or get off the pot.\r\n\r\nYou can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, or tell others to eat shit and die.\r\nYou can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.\r\n\r\nPeople can be shitheaded, shitbrained, shitblinded, and shitover. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. \r\n\r\nThere is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. \r\n\r\nSome days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some Days are just shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.\r\n\r\nYou can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the Wrong shit, or alot of weird shit.\r\n\r\nYou can carry shit, have a mountain of shit , or find yourself upshitcreek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and othertimes you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.\r\n\r\nAnd remember:once you know your shit,you don't need to know anything else.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2606,
"title": "The most powerful word in the English Language"
},
{
"body": "If a rabbit were racing cabbage, who would win?\r\n\r\nThe cabbage, because it's a head.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2607,
"title": "Racing Cabbage"
},
{
"body": "It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.\r\n\r\nHe has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but \r\nhe's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before. His cool \r\nsmile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. \r\n\r\nAs he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are \r\nnow too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.\r\n\r\nYou smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.\r\n\r\nNaughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin'? PERVERT I know what you were thinking!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2610,
"title": "First Time"
},
{
"body": "Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand \r\nup while urinating. \r\n\r\n\"It's a very handy thing,\" God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. \"I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability\". \r\n\r\nAdam jumped up and blurted, \"Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I \r\ncould write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!\" \r\n\r\nOn and on he went, like an excited little boy who...well...had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. it seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. \r\n\r\nAnd so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturition while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. \r\n\r\nAnd it was good.\"Fine,\" God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, \"What's left in here?\" \"Oh yes,\" he said, \"Multiple orgasms...\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2614,
"title": "Adam & Eve"
},
{
"body": "Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices? \r\n\r\nSeveral years ago, I returned home from a trip just \r\nwhen a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.\r\n\r\nThe next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was o.k. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. \r\nThey said o.k..\r\n\r\nAfter my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks \r\nwaiting for their arriving passengers.\r\n\r\nAs I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, \"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!\"\r\n\r\nAs I waved back, I said loudly, \"What is the good news?\"\r\n\r\n\"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!\" Alex shouted.\r\n\r\nThe airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2618,
"title": "Nobody Slept With Mom"
},
{
"body": "Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says \"you don't know Jack Schitt\". Now, You can handle the situation.\r\n\r\nJack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.\r\n\r\nIn turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was \r\nknown as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.\r\n\r\nDip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and \r\nconsequently, married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony.\r\n\r\nThe Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.\r\n\r\nNow, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2620,
"title": "Jack Schitt"
},
{
"body": "A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. \"Think it's safe to cross?\" the man asked.\r\n\r\n\"I reckon so,\" replied the farmer.\r\n\r\nThe car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface, the man said to the farmer, \"I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, shoot!\" said the farmer, scratching his head. \"It only come up chest-high on my ducks!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 2626,
"title": "Deep Puddle"
},
{
"body": "When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.\r\n\r\n\"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it,\" admitted the stunned surgeon. You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2627,
"title": "Operation"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, \"Is God male or female?\"\r\n\r\nAfter thinking for a moment, his mother responds, \"Well, honey, God is both male and female.\"\r\n\r\nThis confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, \"Is God black or white?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, God is both black and white.\"\r\n\r\nThis further confuses him so he asks, \"Is God gay or straight?\"\r\n\r\nAt this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, \"Honey, God is both gay and straight.\"\r\n\r\nAt this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, \"Mom, is God Michael Jackson?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2630,
"title": "What is God?"
},
{
"body": "A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the brunette, \"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!\"\r\n\r\nThe brunette jumps and the firemen are unable to position the blanket properly. Sadly, the brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.\r\n\r\nThen, the redhead steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, \"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh no! You're gonna put blanket in the wrong place!\"\r\n\r\n\"No! We've go it covered! We'll catch you!\" yell the firemen.\r\n\r\nThe redhead jumps and, again, the firemen are unable to position the blanket properly. Sadly, the redhead also slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.\r\n\r\nFinally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, \"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh no! You're gonna put blanket in the wrong place!\"\r\n\r\n\"No! We've go it covered! We'll catch you!\" yell the firemen.\r\n\r\n\"Look,\" says the blonde, \"nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're gonna catch me with that blanket... so, what I want you to do is put the blanket down and then I'll jump.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2631,
"title": "FIRE!!"
},
{
"body": "One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.\r\n\r\n\"If I take them out of the car I lose them,\" she reasoned.\r\n\r\n\"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?\" the husband countered.\r\n\r\n\"Oh that's okay,\" the wife chirped happily, \"I keep a spare key in the glove box!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2632,
"title": "Spare Keys"
},
{
"body": "Two men were running for the same seat in their state senate. The two men had just finished meeting for lunch in a restaurant. \r\n\r\nSaid the first man \"I'm going to win the election because I put in a personal touch. For example, I left the waiter a ten dollar tip so that he would vote for me.\" \r\n\r\n\"That's nothing,\" replies the second man to the first, \"I left the waiter a 5 cent tip, and told him that I was your campaign manager.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 2634,
"title": "A big tip"
},
{
"body": "Where should a dressmaker live?\r\n\r\nOn the outskirts of the city.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2636,
"title": "Dressmaker"
},
{
"body": "Why was the broom tired?\r\n\r\nIt over swept.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2637,
"title": "Tired Broom"
},
{
"body": "A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. \r\n \r\nHe swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. \r\n\r\nMuch to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. \r\n\r\nThe driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. \r\n\r\nA beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. \r\n \r\nShe steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong? \"I feel terrible, \"he explains, \"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde says, \"Don't worry.\" She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. \r\n\r\nShe walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. \r\n\r\nThe rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. \r\n \r\nTen feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops off out of sight. \r\n \r\nThe man is astonished. \r\n\r\nHe runs over to the woman and demands, \"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?\" \r\n\r\nThe woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. \r\n\r\nIt says, Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2638,
"title": "Broken Bunny"
},
{
"body": "An American and Japanese were sitting next to each other on a plane. The American turned and asked the Japanese, \"What kind of -ese are you?\"\r\n\r\nThe Japanese man answered \"I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean.\"\r\n\r\n\"What kind of -ese are you?\" the American repeated. The Japanese was showing obvious confusion. Irritated, the American explained, \"Are you Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, what?\" \"Oh, I'm Japanese.\"\r\n\r\nSoon after, the Japanese turned to the American and asked him what kind of -key he was. The American, now annoyed, replied, \"What d'you mean, 'key'?\"\r\n\r\nThe Japanese asked again, \"Are you a monkey, a donkey, or a Yankee?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2639,
"title": "-Ese"
},
{
"body": "The Japanese eat little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.\r\n\r\nThe French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.\r\n\r\nThe Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.\r\n\r\nThe Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans. \r\n\r\n\r\nCONCLUSION:\r\nEat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what gets you.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 2640,
"title": "No Point To Watch What You Eat"
},
{
"body": "Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2641,
"title": "Gandhi"
},
{
"body": "There was a couple doing yard work, and the wife stops to go up and take a shower. The husband is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out of the upstairs bathroom window, \"Where's the rake?\"\r\n\r\nShe can't hear him, so he points to his eye (I), points to his knee (need) and then makes raking motions.\r\n\r\n\"What?\" she yells, confused. So he goes through the whole routine again.\r\n\r\nShe nods as if she understands and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her bum and then rubs her crotch.\r\n\r\nHer husband is somewhat confused, but totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom. \"What did you say?\"\r\n\r\nShe answered, \"I said, 'Eye, left tit, behind, the bush.'\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2642,
"title": "Poor Sign Language"
},
{
"body": "A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.\r\n\r\n\"I would do *anything* to pass this exam.\" She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes.\r\n\r\n\"I mean...\" she repeats, \"...I would do...*anything*.\"\r\n\r\nHe returns her gaze. \"Anything?\"\r\n\r\n\"*Anything*.\"\r\n\r\nHis voice softens. \"*Anything*??\"\r\n\t\r\n\"*Anything*.\"\r\n\r\nHis voice turns to a whisper. \"Would you...*study*?\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 2643,
"title": "Anything"
},
{
"body": "An angry wife met her husband at the door. She could smell alcohol on his breath and there was lipstick on his collar. \"I assume,\" she snarled, \"that there's a reason you're waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?\"\r\n\"There is,\" he replied. \"Breakfast.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2646,
"title": "Breakfast"
},
{
"body": "In a hurry to get a special dinner party, the guest speaker arrived and sat down, only to realize he'd forgotten his false teeth. He explained his dilemma to the man sitting next to him.\r\nThe man said, \"No problem,\" reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of false teeth. \"Try these,\"he said.\r\n\"Too loose,\" the speaker said.\r\nThe man pulled out another pair.\r\n\"Too tight,\" the speaker told him.\r\n\"I have one more pair.\"\r\nThe speaker tried them and they fit perfectly.\r\nWith that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. When the dinner was over, he went to thank the man who'd helped him.\r\n\"Where's your office?\" he inquired. \"I'm looking for a good dentist.\"\r\nThe man replied: \"I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 2647,
"title": "False Teeth"
},
{
"body": "You're so dumb, you invented the solar powered flashlight!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 2650,
"title": "Dumb light"
},
{
"body": "The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. \r\n \r\nThe CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. \r\n \r\nThe FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. \r\n \r\nThe LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: \"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2651,
"title": "Catch the Rabbit"
},
{
"body": "There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: \r\n \r\n\"Hello?\" \r\n\"Honey, It's me.\" \r\n\"Sugar!\" \r\n\"Are you at the club?\" \r\n\"Yes.\" \r\n\r\n\"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?\" \r\n \r\n\"What's the price?\" \r\n \r\n\"Only $1,500.00\" \r\n \r\n\"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much...\" \r\n \r\n\"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...\" \r\n \r\n\"What price did he quote you?\" \r\n\"Only $60,000...\" \r\n\"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.\" \r\n\"Great!, before we hang up, something else...\" \r\n\"What?\" \r\n \r\n\"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...\" \r\n\r\n\"How much are they asking?\" \r\n \r\n\"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover...\" \"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?\" \r\n \r\n\"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!\" \r\n \r\n\"Bye... I do too...\" \r\n \r\nThe man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: \"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2652,
"title": "The Perfect Husband"
},
{
"body": "A teacher was teaching a class about the big bang theory. She asked Billy to go outside and observe his surroundings. \r\n\r\nShe then asked... \r\n\r\n\"Billy did you see the sky?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes\", said Billy. \r\n\r\n\"Did you see the sun?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes\", said the boy. \r\n\r\n\"Did you see God?\" \r\n\r\n\"No\", said the boy. \r\n\r\nThe Teacher said, \"So God really isn't there.\" \r\n\r\nA little girl started to ask Billy some questions. \r\n\r\n\"Did you see the sky?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes\" was the reply \r\n\r\n\"Did you see the sun?\" \r\n\r\nAgain, \"yes\" was the answer. \r\n\r\n\"Do you see the teacher's brain? Because according to her, she doesn't have one!!!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2653,
"title": "Did you see.....?"
},
{
"body": "The Bathroom Door is Closed. Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out. \r\n\r\nYes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken. I am not trapped. I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY. \r\n\r\nDo not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done. \r\n\r\nDo not bring the phone to the bathroom door. \r\n\r\nDo not go running back to the phone yelling, \"She's in the BATHROOM! \r\n\r\nDo not begin to fight as soon as I go in. \r\n\r\nDo not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two, but not now. \r\n\r\nDo not slide pennies, Lego's, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome. \r\n\r\nIf you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done. \r\n\r\nAnd yes, I still love you. \r\n\r\nMom",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2654,
"title": "Attention Children:"
},
{
"body": "A mother was driving her kids to school one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties. \r\n\r\n\"They use him to keep crowds back,\" said one youngster. \r\n\r\n\"No,\" said another, \"he's just for good luck.\" \r\n\r\nA third child brought the argument to a close. \"They use the dogs,\" she said firmly, \"to find the fire hydrant.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2655,
"title": "Why Fire Depts. have Dalmatians"
},
{
"body": "A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old daughter ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. \r\n\r\n\"Daddy, what happened to him?\" the daughter asked. \r\n\r\n\"He died and went to Heaven,\" the dad replied.\r\n\r\nThe little girl thought a moment and then said, \"Did God throw him back down?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2656,
"title": "The Seagull"
},
{
"body": "A little boy had just got home from Sunday School and mom was cooking lunch. \"Mommy, is it true that before you're born you're just dust and after you die you go back to being dust?\" \r\n\r\n\"That's right son, why?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well that's just what they said at church today.\" \r\n\r\n\"Run up stairs and wash your hands son, lunch will be ready in a few minutes.\" \r\n\r\nAbout 10 minutes went by and she called out for him to come down. \"I'll be there in a minute.\" As they were about to sit down at the table, the little boy asked again about being dust before being born and after you die. \r\nOnce again mother said yes son. \r\n\r\nThe little boy looked at her and said, \"then you better get up to my room pretty quick, because something under my bed is either coming or going!!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2657,
"title": "Dust to Dust"
},
{
"body": "An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, \"Stop....Acts 2:38!\" (Turn from your sin). \r\n\r\nThe burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, \"Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you.\" \r\n\r\n\"Scripture?\" replied the burglar. \"She said she had an AXE and two 38's!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2658,
"title": "Stop"
},
{
"body": "A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. \r\n\r\nThen he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, \"If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2659,
"title": "Won't he know I'm lying?"
},
{
"body": "A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, \"How many women can a man marry?\" \r\n\r\n\"Sixteen,\" the boy responded. \r\n\r\nHis cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. \r\n\r\n\"How do you know that?\" \r\n\r\n\"Easy,\" the little boy said. \"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2660,
"title": "How many?"
},
{
"body": "Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall\r\nInto the clutches of cholesterol;\r\nAt polyunsaturates, I'll never mutter,\r\nFor the road to Hell is paved with butter\r\nAnd cake is cursed and cream is awful\r\nAnd Satan is hiding in every waffle.\r\nBeelzebub is a chocolate drop,\r\nAnd Lucifer is a lollipop,\r\nTeach me the evils of hollandaise\r\nOf pasta and globs of mayonnaise;\r\nAnd crisp fried chicken from the south\r\nLord, if you love me, shut my mouth.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2663,
"title": "Dieter's Prayer"
},
{
"body": "A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. \r\n\r\n\"I'd love to be six again,\" she replied. \r\n\r\nOn the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early, and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! \r\n\r\nFive hours later, she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. \r\n\r\nThen, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney; and what a fabulous adventure! \r\n\r\nFinally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, \"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?\"\r\n\r\nWith one eye opened she said \"You idiot, I meant my dress size.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2664,
"title": "To Be 6 Again"
},
{
"body": "A little girl and her father decided to go to church, because her father wanted to introduce her to the Christian World. As they sat down, a collection plate begins to be passed around. As the plate came to the girl's father, he searches his pockets for money. Then his daughter whispers in his ear, \"Don't worry Daddy, I'm already free and covered.... I'm under 5.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2665,
"title": "Entry Fee"
},
{
"body": "One night, a man and his wife decide to go out on a date. They get all dolled up, call the cab, and put the cat out. When the cab arives, they head out the door just as the cat darts back inside. \r\n\r\nThe man head backs in to chase out the cat, and his wife heads to the cab. Not wanting to let on that no one would be home that night, she explains to the driver, \"He's just going back in to say good-night to my mother.\"\r\n\r\nIn a few minutes, the man returns to explain, \"Sorry it took me so long. The old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2666,
"title": "Oops! Sorry, Mom!"
},
{
"body": "A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.\r\n\r\nWhen he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where there laid out on the bed was a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, \"What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear.\"\r\n\r\nThe next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the bed was a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, \"What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party.\"\r\n\r\nBy this time the wife is irrate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three items. In one neat pile is a set of three white buttons, another is a white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood. The husband yells at the wife, \"What the hell are these for?\" The wife yells back, \"You can take your clothes off and take the three white buttons and put them on the front of you and go as a domino, and if you don't like that one, you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie. And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudge sickle.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2667,
"title": "Halloween Costume"
},
{
"body": "One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel \r\nway to motivate her class. She told them that she \r\nwould read a quote and the first student to correctly \r\nidentify who said it would receive the rest of the \r\nday off. \r\n\r\nShe started with \"This was England's finest hour.\" \r\nLittle Suzy instantly jumped up and said, \" Winston \r\nChurchill.\" \r\n\r\n\"Congratulations,\" said the teacher \"you may go \r\nhome.\" \r\n\r\nThe teacher then said, \"Ask not what your country can \r\ndo for you.\" \r\nBefore she could finish this quote, another young \r\nlady belts out, \"John F. Kennedy\". \r\n\r\n\"Very good\" says the teacher, \"you may go.\" \r\n\r\nIrritated that he has missed two golden \r\nopportunities, Little Johnny said, \"I wish those \r\ngirls would just shut up.\" \r\n\r\nUpon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher \r\ndemanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose \r\nto his feet and said, \"Bill Clinton. I'll see you \r\nMonday.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2668,
"title": "Bill Clinton"
},
{
"body": "1) A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent\r\nwith the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be\r\ninterpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!\r\n\r\n(2) Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity?\r\n\r\nA: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2669,
"title": "Politically Correct Ethnic Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?\r\nHe sold his soul to Santa\r\n\r\nDid you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?\r\nHe's all right now.\r\n\r\nDid you hear about the man who was tap dancing?\r\nHe broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.\r\n\r\nHow do crazy people go through the forest?\r\nThey take the psycho path.\r\n\r\nHow do you get holy water?\r\nBoil the hell out of it.\r\n\r\nHow does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?\r\nShe says, \"Daddy, I want a new apartment.\"\r\n\r\nWhat did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?\r\n\"Dam\".\r\n\r\nWhat do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?\r\nPolaroids.\r\n\r\nWhat do prisoners use to call each other?\r\nCell phones.\r\n\r\nWhat do the letters D.N.A. stand for?\r\nNational Dyslexics Association.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?\r\nA stick.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call cheese that isn't yours?\r\nNacho Cheese.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call Santa's helpers?\r\nSubordinate Clauses.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?\r\nQuatro sinko.\r\n\r\nWhat do you get from a pampered cow?\r\nSpoiled milk.\r\n\r\nWhat do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?\r\nFrostbite.\r\n\r\nWhat do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?\r\nA pachydermatologist\r\n\r\nWhat has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree\r\nwould kill you?\r\nA pool table.\r\n\r\nWhat is a zebra?\r\n26 sizes larger than an \"A\" bra.\r\n\r\nWhat kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?\r\nSanka.\r\nand what kind of lettuce?\r\nIceberg.\r\n\r\nWhat lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?\r\nA nervous wreck.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?\r\nThe taste.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?\r\nAnyone can roast beef.\r\n\r\nWhere do you find a no legged dog?\r\nRight where you left him.\r\n\r\nWhere do you get virgin wool from?\r\nUgly sheep.\r\n\r\nWhy are there so many Smiths in the phone book?\r\nThey all have phones.\r\n\r\nWhy do bagpipers walk when they play?\r\nThey're trying to get away from the noise.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2670,
"title": "Punny Jokes (yes, i know i mispelled funny)"
},
{
"body": "Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, \"My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.\" The second boy says, \"That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.\" The third boy says, \"I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2672,
"title": "Dads' Jobs"
},
{
"body": "One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken wire. His father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch me some chickens.' The father said, 'Son, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire.' But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing. \r\n\r\nLater on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father thought, 'I guess he knows what he's doing.' The next morning, the son got up and was leaving the house with some duck tape. The father said, 'Son, where are you going?' The son replied, 'I'm going to catch some ducks.' The father yelled, 'You can't catch ducks with duct tape!' The son insisted that he knew what he was doing. \r\n\r\nAwhile later, the son came home with two ducks under each arm. The father thought, 'Shoot, I guess he does know what he's doing!' The next morning the son got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of pussywillows. The father said, 'Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!'",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 2675,
"title": "He Knows What He's Doing"
},
{
"body": "A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in the country side.\r\n\r\nJust days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store. (a good 2-hour drive away). \"Can I get me some chicken feed?\" the man asked. \"Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you actually got chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin' sick,\" the clerk responded. He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. \"Here's my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed.\" He got his feed and drove home. \r\n\r\nThe next day he ran out of dog food for his dog. Once again, he drove down to the store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the same case. He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went back home and retrieved his dog, and got his dog food. The next day, he went down to the store again, this time with a shoe box with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He walked into the store and said to the clerk, \"Smell this.\" \r\n\r\n\"That smells like... crap!\" she said with a look of surprise on her face. \"Oh... toilet paper.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 2676,
"title": "Stubborn Clerk"
},
{
"body": "A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said \"No way! You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ.\" \r\n\r\nWell, she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married, to a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said \"I'll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond, you're marrying a By-God West Virginian boy,\" so he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. \r\n\r\nIn a couple of days they returned. The confused father asked \"Where is your sister?\" \r\nThey replied \"We were almost there Dad, but we got to this overpass with a sign that said 'Clarence 13'6'' so we turned around and drove the hell out of there!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 2677,
"title": "UVA"
},
{
"body": "1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.\r\n\r\n2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.\r\n\r\n3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.\r\n\r\n4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.\r\n\r\n5. Remember: \"Y'all\" is singular.\r\n\r\n6. \"All y'all\" is plural. \"All y'all's\" is plural possessive.\r\n\r\n7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.\r\n\r\n8. People walk slower here.\r\n\r\n9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.\r\n\r\n10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective \"Big ol'\", as in \"big ol' truck\" or \"big ol' boy\". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.\r\n\r\n11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.\r\n\r\n12. \"He needed killin'\" is a valid defense here.\r\n\r\n13. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.\r\n\r\n14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, \"Hey, y'all, watch this!\" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.\r\n\r\n15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.\r\n\r\n16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.\r\n\r\n17. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.\r\n\r\n18. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.\r\n\r\n19. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.\r\n\r\n20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.\r\n\r\n21. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.\r\n\r\n22. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.\r\n\r\n23. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 2678,
"title": "Rules of the South"
},
{
"body": "You know you've had too much coffee when...\r\n\r\n\r\nYou can type sixty words a minute with your feet\r\n\r\nInstant coffee takes too long\r\n\r\nYou chew on other people's fingernails\r\n\r\nYou answer the door, before people knock\r\n\r\nYou sleep with your eyes open\r\n\r\nYou go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee\r\n\r\nYou don't even wait for the water to boil anymore\r\n\r\nYou're the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don't even work there\r\n\r\nYou help your dog chase its tail\r\n\r\nYou lick your coffeepot clean\r\n\r\nYou go to AA meetings just for the free coffee\r\n\r\nYou're so wired you pick up FM radio\r\n\r\nYou have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2679,
"title": "Too Much Coffee"
},
{
"body": "A man goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks \"Wow, this is cool.\" \r\n\r\nHe goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums. \r\n\r\nThis goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk. When he gets there, he asks the manager, \"Mister, that's it!! Why won't those drummers stop?! I can't get any sleep!\" The manager replies, \"No! The drums must NEVER stop. It's terrible if the drums stop drumming.\" \r\n\r\n\"Why?\"\r\n\r\n\"When drums stop... bass solo begins.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2681,
"title": "Drums, Drummers, Drumming"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock.\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nYou.\r\n\r\nYou who?\r\n\r\nYoo hoo, I'm right over here!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 2682,
"title": "You"
},
{
"body": "Two small boys, one catholic and one protestant get lost in the woods. \r\n\r\nDarkness comes down and they near a monastery. Upon entering they are asked their faith, telling the head monk their religions. \r\n\r\nThe Catholic lad gets the best of treatment, good food, a good bed near the fireplace. The protestant lad however gets a bowl of cold gruel, and is told to sleep by the drafty door to keep the cold out of the room.\r\n\r\nIn the morning the head monk asks the boys how it was. \"I dreamt I was in heaven, Father\" said the Catholic boy. \"It was just wonderful.\" \r\n\r\n\"I dreamt that I was in hell \" said the protestant boy. \"And what was that like?\" said the holy father. \"Just like this place, couldn't get near the fire for catholics!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2683,
"title": "Lost in the Woods"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2684,
"title": "Help"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, when she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutes of your show!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2688,
"title": "Show"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2689,
"title": "Shower"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, when she goes swimming she gives the pool stretch marks!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2693,
"title": "Pool"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2694,
"title": "Party"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2695,
"title": "Peanuts"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2697,
"title": "PaintRoller"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2698,
"title": "Aspirin (not Funny)"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2699,
"title": "Buffet"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, she made weight watchers go blind!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2701,
"title": "Watcher"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2703,
"title": "Smuggle"
},
{
"body": "An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. \r\n\r\nThe Devil told the lawyer, \"I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.\"\r\n\r\nThe lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, \"So, what's the catch?\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 2705,
"title": "The Catch?"
},
{
"body": "Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Ulaiy (A-lie). After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones.\r\n\r\nThomas said the he wasn't going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have \"Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!\", he said enthusiastically. \r\n\r\n\"Why are you going to have that?\" asked his friend. \"Well\", said Thomas, \"When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see... 'Here Lies The Body of an Honest Lawyer', they'll say \"Yeah, that's Ulaiy\".",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 2706,
"title": "Honest Lawyer, Ulaiy"
},
{
"body": "A middle-aged couple had two beautiful teenage daughters and decided to try one last time for a son. After months, the wife finally got pregnant and after nine months, bore a healthy baby boy. The elated father rushed to the nursery to check on his infant. He was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever saw.\r\n\r\nHe went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. \"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.\" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, \"Have you been fooling around on me?\"\r\n\r\nThe wife smiled sweetly, \"Not this time...\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2708,
"title": "Not this time"
},
{
"body": "A mortician was examining Mr. Zeron's body before sending it to be cremated. He discovered the longest private part he had ever seen on Zeron. He felt it a pity to cremate him with it, so, apologising to the corpse, the mortician used his tools to remove the tremendously huge private part.\r\n\r\nThe mortician stuffed the prize possesion into his briefcase and took it home to show his wife. \"I have something to show you that you won't believe,\" he said and opened his briefcase.\r\n\r\nUpon seeing it, his wife cried, \"Oh my God! Zeron is dead!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 2709,
"title": "Prized Possesion"
},
{
"body": "A man walks up to a bartender one night and asked for a beer.\r\n\"Certainly, sir. That'd be one cent.\"\r\nThe guy was surprised at the incredible price.\r\nThe guy, unable to believe such prices, looked up the menu and ordered a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg.\r\n\"Certainly, sir. That'd be five cents including the beer.\"\r\nThe guy couldn't trust the bartender no more and called for the manager.\r\n\"The manager's upstairs with my wife.\"\r\nThe guy curiously asked why he was with his wife.\r\n\"He do my business, I'll do his.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 2710,
"title": "Cheap Beer"
},
{
"body": "A young 6-month pregnant lady boarded a bus and took a seat. She noticed a young man smiling at her and got humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.\r\n\r\nThe case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in such a manner, the man replied, \"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'\r\n\r\nThen she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.'\r\n\r\nI was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.'\r\n\r\nI could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'\" \r\n\r\nHe won the case.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2711,
"title": "Laugh at the Pregnant Lady"
},
{
"body": "In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing lady. Conversation broke out and turned erotic. The lady proposed, \"If each of you would give me $1, I would show you my legs.\" The men, charmed by her beauty, handed over the money. The lady pulled her dress up a little to show her legs.\r\n\r\nShe followed, \"If each of you would give me $10, I would show you my thighs.\" Driven by lust, the men forked out the money and the lady pulled up her dress more to show her thighs.\r\n\r\nThe men, getting excited, pulled off their coats. The lady then said, \"If each of you would give me $100, I would show you where I had my appendicitis operated on.\" The men, being men, naturally surrendered their money for more. The lady turned to the window and pointed at a hospital, \"There!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2712,
"title": "Showing off for easy money"
},
{
"body": "1) When you get pulled over, say \"What's wrong, officer, there's no blood in my alcohol?\" \r\n\r\n2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. \r\n\r\n3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf. \r\n\r\n4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer doesn't go that high. \r\n\r\n5) Touch him. \r\n\r\n6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat. \r\n\r\n7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat. \r\n\r\n8) Refer to him by his first name. \r\n\r\n9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out. \r\n\r\n10) When he says no, cry. \r\n\r\n11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment. \r\n\r\n12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. \r\n\r\n13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood. \r\n\r\n14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way. \r\n\r\n15) When he puts handcuffs on, say \"Usually my dates buy me dinner first.\" \r\n\r\n16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers. \r\n\r\n17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say \"Oops! That's the wrong name.\" \r\n\r\n18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one. \r\n\r\n19) When he comes up to the car, say \"License and registration, please\" right when he says it. \r\n\r\n20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing \"La La La, I can't hear you!\" \r\n\r\n21) Trip and fall into him. \r\n\r\n22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. \r\n\r\n23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to use his pen. \r\n\r\n24) Chew on the pen, nervously. \r\n\r\n25) Clean your ear with the pen. \r\n\r\n26) If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring. \r\n\r\n27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say, \"I thought your name sounded familiar....\" \r\n\r\n28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. \r\n\r\n29) Act like you are retarded. \r\n\r\n30) When he is telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. \r\n\r\n31) Or mumble to yourself. \r\n\r\n32) When he tells you to stop, say, \"What are you talking about, DUDE?\" \r\n\r\n33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say, \"Hmmm... only 5 of you here tonight.\"\r\n\r\n34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts. \r\n\r\n35) When he comes to the car, say, \"I have a badge just like yours! \"\r\n\r\n36) Ask if he watches Cops. \r\n\r\n37) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock. \r\n\r\n38) Giggle if he did. \r\n\r\n39) Talk to your hand. \r\n\r\n40) Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and the Five Favorite Friends. \r\n\r\n41) Accuse him of sexual harassment if he does. \r\n\r\n42) When he frisks you, say, \"You missed a spot,\" and grin. \r\n\r\n43) When he asks to inspect your car, say, \"There is no alcohol in my car, the last cop got it.\" \r\n\r\n44) Try to sell him your car. \r\n\r\n45) Ask if you can buy his car. \r\n\r\n46) If he takes you to the station, ask to sit in the front. \r\n\r\n47) Play with the siren. \r\n\r\n48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner. \r\n\r\n49) If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. \r\n\r\n50) Oops... I meant OVER for dinner. \r\n\r\n51) Ask if he ever had pu-tang. \r\n\r\n52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle. \r\n\r\n53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues. \r\n\r\n54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh. \r\n\r\n55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing. \r\n\r\n56) Turn your head and whistle. \r\n\r\n57) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that. \r\n\r\n58) If you are female, say, \"I don't do that on the first date.\" \r\n\r\n59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine. \r\n\r\n60) Ask if you can see his gun. \r\n\r\n61) When he says you aren't allowed, tell him, \"I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.\" \r\n\r\n62) Stare at the lights and say, \"Look at the pretty colors!\" \r\n\r\n63) Tell him you like men in uniform. \r\n\r\n64) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2713,
"title": "How to piss a cop off"
},
{
"body": "A woman had an appointment in the morning with her gynecologist and was running late. She hadn't had the time to give herself a proper washup so she took a washcloth and gave herself a wash in 'that area' in front of the sink. She threw the cloth into the wash basket after making sure she was presentable and drove to her appointment.\r\n\r\nShe was silent throughout the checkup and ignored the gynecologist when he said, \"My... We have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?\"\r\n\r\nIt was only until after the day was over when her daughter called to ask if she had seen where her washcloth was. The woman told her to get a fresh piece from the cabinet but the daughter said, \"No, I need that one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2714,
"title": "Trip to the Gynecologist"
},
{
"body": "A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he arrived at classroom, he saw ten rods with platforms with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species. \r\n\r\nThe student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the angrier he got. \r\n\r\nFinally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, \"What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?!\" With that, the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. \r\n\r\nThe professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so, as the student reached the door the professor called, \"Hey mister, what's your name?\"\r\n\r\nThe enraged student turned around, pulled up his pant legs and said, \"You tell me, buddy. YOU TELL ME!\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 2716,
"title": "Bird Legs"
},
{
"body": "\"What's the usual tip?\" a man growled when, Brett, a college boy delivered his pizza. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" Brett continued, \"this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great.\"\r\n\r\n\"Is that so?\" grunted the man. \"In that case, here's five dollars.\"\r\n\r\n\"Thanks,\" Brett said, \"I'll put it in my college fund.\" \r\n\r\n\"By the way, what are you studying?\" inquired the man. \r\n\r\nAnd Brett replied, \"Applied psychology.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 2717,
"title": "First Delivery"
},
{
"body": "1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. \r\n\r\n2. Check your email. \r\n\r\n3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand. \r\n\r\n4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. \r\n\r\n5. Check your email. \r\n\r\n6. Stop off at another floor on the way back, and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her. \r\n\r\n7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a clean, well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. \r\n\r\n8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. \r\n\r\n9. Check your email. \r\n\r\n10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. \r\n\r\n11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. \r\n\r\n12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it. I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper. \r\n\r\n13. Listen to the other side. \r\n\r\n14. Check your email. \r\n\r\n15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. \r\n\r\n16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large. \r\n\r\n17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. \r\n\r\n18. Make yourself a power snack. \r\n\r\n19. Check your email. \r\n\r\n20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowlers Tour b) any news report involving the President.\r\n\r\n21. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on Channel 26. \r\n\r\n22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot. \r\n\r\n23. Check your email. \r\n\r\n24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. \r\n\r\n25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask how everyone is. \r\n\r\n26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. \r\n\r\n27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench coated strangers lurking in the hall. \r\n\r\n28. Check your email. \r\n\r\n29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. \r\n\r\n30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it. \r\n\r\n31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. \r\n\r\n32. Lie face down on the floor and groan. \r\n\r\n33. Check your email. \r\n\r\n34. Leap up and write the paper. \r\n\r\n35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email. \r\n\r\n36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write that damn paper.",
"category": "College",
"id": 2718,
"title": "How to Write a Paper"
},
{
"body": "Haircuts - The difference between men and women. \r\n\r\nWomen's version: \r\n\r\nWoman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! \r\n\r\nWoman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? \r\n\r\nWoman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. \r\n\r\nWoman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. \r\n\r\nWoman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. \r\n\r\nWoman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. \r\n\r\n\r\nMen's version: \r\n\r\nMan2: Haircut? \r\n\r\nMan1: -sigh- Yeah..........",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2720,
"title": "Haircuts"
},
{
"body": "A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and not to talk about private matters in public.\r\nAt first he holds it in because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table, so he turns to the little girl and says, \"Will you excuse me, I have to go powder my nose.\" And, saying that, he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom. \r\nWhen he returns, the little girl looks up at him and asks, \"Did you powder your nose?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" said the little boy, stepping back into the sandbox. \r\n\r\n\"Well, then,\" says the little girl, \"you'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2721,
"title": "Powder your nose"
},
{
"body": "A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman. \r\n\r\n\"Good day, madam. How may we help you today?\"\r\n\r\nVery uncomfortably she asks, \"Sir, what is the price of this lovely rug?\" \r\n\r\nHe answers, \"Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely to shit when you hear the price!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2722,
"title": "Expensive Persian Rugs"
},
{
"body": "BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. \r\n\r\nMENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, \"You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?\" \r\n\r\nST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. \r\n\r\nEMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. \r\n\r\nPEPTO-BIMBO: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. \r\n\r\nDUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer. \r\n\r\nFLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. \r\n\r\nJACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number. \r\n\r\nANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. \r\n\r\nNAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. \r\n\r\nDAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2723,
"title": "New Drugs For Women"
},
{
"body": "Q: What would you do w/out your memories ? \r\n\r\nA: Forget",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2726,
"title": "Memories"
},
{
"body": "Q: What is the difference between a fish and a piano ? \r\n\r\nA: You can't tuna fish.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2727,
"title": "Piano"
},
{
"body": "Q: What did the seismologist say when he messed up?\r\n\r\nA: It's not my fault.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2728,
"title": "Messed up"
},
{
"body": "Q. What animal talks the most? \r\nA. The yak.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2731,
"title": "Animal"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and some peanut butter? \r\n \r\nA: Either an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth, or peanut butter that never forgets.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2732,
"title": "Elephant"
},
{
"body": "Q: What did judge say when the skunk came in the court ?\r\nA: Odor in the court.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2734,
"title": "Judge"
},
{
"body": "How do you keep an idiot in suspense?\r\n\r\nKeep scrolling down!\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nNot far now!\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nKeep going!\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nSolve this problem while you wait for the answer to pop up.\r\n\r\n6!\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nNot enough? Solve this!\r\n\r\n\r\n(Pi)!\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThe answer will pop up shortly...\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nWhoops, there was a mistake. Go back to the 2nd line.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2735,
"title": "More idiots"
},
{
"body": "These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.\r\n\r\nSign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) \r\n\r\nSign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT \r\n\r\nSeen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2736,
"title": "Signs and Notices"
},
{
"body": "Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said \"I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.\" \r\n\r\n\"Great!\" said the first guy, \"I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!\" \r\n\r\n\"No problem,\" replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. \"And what do you want to be,\" St. Peter asked the other guy. \r\n\r\n\"I'd like to be one cool stud!\" was the reply. \r\n\r\n\"Easy,\" replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone. \r\n\r\nAfter a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. \"You'll find them easily,\" he says, \"One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2737,
"title": "Careful When You Wish"
},
{
"body": "A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.\r\n\r\nA $40 speeding ticket was included.\r\n\r\nBeing cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.\r\n\r\nThe police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2738,
"title": "Pictures from Police"
},
{
"body": "A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales. \r\n\r\nThe teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. \r\n\r\nThe little girl said, \"But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.\" \r\n\r\nIrritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. \"It is physically impossible!\" she said. \r\n\r\nUndaunted, the little girl said, \"Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.\" \r\n\r\nTo this, the teacher said, \"What if Jonah went to hell?\" \r\n\r\nThe little girl replied, \"Then YOU ask him!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2741,
"title": "Jonah's Fate"
},
{
"body": "It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.\r\n\r\nA small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.\r\n\r\nAs he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, \"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 2742,
"title": " Must See Annual Sale"
},
{
"body": "Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.\r\n\r\n\"My name is Billy. What's yours?\" asked the first boy.\r\n\r\n\"Tommy,\" replied the second.\r\n\r\n\"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?\" asked Billy.\r\n\r\n Tommy replied, \"My Daddy's a lawyer.\"\r\n\r\n\"Honest?\" asked Billy.\r\n\r\n\"No, just the regular kind\", replied Tommy.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2743,
"title": "My Dad"
},
{
"body": "Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.\r\n\r\nWHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?\r\n\r\n\"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work any more, and you can spend all your time loving each other.\" (Judy, 8)\r\n\r\n\"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife.\" (Tommy, 5)\r\n\r\nWHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?\r\n\r\n\"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.\" (Mike, 10)\r\n\r\nWHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?\r\n\r\n\"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding.\" (Jim, 10)\r\n\r\n\"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.\" (Kally, 9)\r\n\r\nTHE GREAT DEBATE:\r\n\r\nIS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?\r\n\r\n\"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.\" (Lynette, 9)\r\n\r\n\"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble.\" (Kenny, 7)\r\n\r\nCONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:\r\n\r\n\"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.\" (Jan, 9)\r\n\r\n\"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful.\" (Harlen, 8)\r\n\r\nON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:\r\n\r\n\"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long to learn.\" (Leo, 7)\r\n\r\nON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:\r\n\r\n\"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful.\" (Jeanne, 8)\r\n\r\n\"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet.\" (Gary, 7)\r\n\r\n\"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.\" (Christine, 9)\r\n\r\nCONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:\r\n\r\n\"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them.\" (David, 8)\r\n\r\nCONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:\r\n\r\n\"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.\" (Bobby, 8)\r\n\r\n\"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough.\" (Regina, 10)\r\n\r\nPERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:\r\n\r\n\"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.\" (Ava, 8)\r\n\r\nSOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:\r\n\r\n\"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.\" (Del, 6)\r\n\r\n\"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love.\" (Alonzo, 9)\r\n\r\n\"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.\" (Bart, 9)\r\n\r\nHOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE ?\r\n\r\n\"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love.\" (John, 9)\r\n\r\n\"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.\" (Brad, 8)\r\n\r\n\"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire.\" (Christine, 9)\r\n\r\nWHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, \"I LOVE YOU\":\r\n\r\n\"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day.\" (Michelle, 9)\r\n\r\nHOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:\r\n\r\n\"You learn it right on the spot, when the 'gooshy' feelings get the best of you.\" (Doug, 7)\r\n\r\n\"It might help if you watched soap operas all day.\" (Carin, 9)\r\n\r\nWHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?\r\n\r\n\"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it.\" (Jean, 10)\r\n\r\nHOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:\r\n\r\n\"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.\" (Tom, 7)\r\n\r\n\"Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love.\" (Roger,8)\r\n\r\n\"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out.\" (Randy, 8)",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2744,
"title": "Kids views on love"
},
{
"body": "Two white horses fell in the mud and three came out.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2745,
"title": "Want to hear a REALLY dirty joke?"
},
{
"body": "You're so dumb, you drowned when you were bathed in sunlight.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 2746,
"title": "Sunlight"
},
{
"body": "This young girl about 7 year old had a dog which she took for a walk everyday after school. \r\n\r\nWell, one day her dog was in heat, so her father told her that she couldn't walk the dog for a week or so because it wasn't feeling well. \r\n\r\nHis daughter became very upset and cried for most of the night.\r\n\r\nThe next day the father came up with a plan. He put some gasoline on the dogs rear end to hide the smell from the male dogs.\r\n\r\nWell when the girl got home she was happy to find that she could now walk her dog again.\r\n\r\nAbout an hour later, the girl returned without the dog.\r\n\r\nThe father asked, \"What on earth has happened to the dog?\"\r\n\r\nThe girl replies, \"Well she ran out of gas a few blocks back, and is being pushed home by another dog.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2747,
"title": "Walking the Dog"
},
{
"body": "Bill Clinton's limo is driving along a back country road on the way back to Washington from Camp David, when all of a sudden a pig jumps out in front of the limo. Bill, upset, tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so he can pay for the damages and apologize.\r\n\r\nThey arrive at the farm house up the road, and Clinton tells the driver to go inside and tell the farmer and his wife what happened.\r\n\r\n2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his clothes in disarray, a brown paper bag, and a huge smile across his face.\r\n\r\nBill wants to know what happened. The driver tells him, \"I went inside, they made me a nice steak, then the parents introduced meto their 24 year old daughter who was a finalist in the Miss America Pageant, they left us alone to have sex for an hour, and when I was finished, I came downstairs and the mother had thisbag of cookies for me.\"\r\n\r\nBill says, \"What did you tell them?\"\r\n\r\nThe driver replies, \"I told them I was Bill Clinton's driver, and that I just killed the pig.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2749,
"title": "A Pig Story"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:\r\n\r\n\"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare.\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:\r\n\r\n\"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2751,
"title": "William Shakespeare"
},
{
"body": "What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?\r\n\r\n\"You may have graduated, but I have several degrees.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2752,
"title": "Graduated Cylinder"
},
{
"body": "I see London, I see France, I see your underpants.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2755,
"title": "London"
},
{
"body": "A little boy and his older sister were building paper airplanes when his sister said, \"We should stop building planes now and play with the ones we've got. We don't need to waste any more paper.\"\r\n\"Why?\"\r\n\"Because if we use too much paper we'll lose all the trees, and everyone will die..\"\r\n\"Because we don't have any paper?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2758,
"title": "Trees"
},
{
"body": "A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, \"You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.\" The husband said, \"You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.\"\r\n\r\nThe wife replies, \"No you should do it, and besides it is in the bible that man should do the coffee.\"\r\n\r\nThe husband replies, \"I can't believe that, show me.\" So she fetched the bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him the top of several pages, that it indeed says........\"HEBREWS\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2760,
"title": "Who should brew the Coffee"
},
{
"body": "Why do gorillas have big nostrils?\r\n\r\nBecause they have big fingers!!!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2762,
"title": "Gorilla"
},
{
"body": "What kind of soup weighs 1000 pounds?\r\n\r\nWon ton soup!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2763,
"title": "Heavy Soup"
},
{
"body": "3 expecting mothers were talking in their doctors office, about the sex of their babies.\r\n\r\nThe first mother said, \"I'm having a boy.\"\r\n\r\n\"How can you be so sure?\" asked the other two.\r\n\r\n\"Well\" said the first, \"my husband was on top.\"\r\n\r\nThe second replied, \"If that's the case then I'm having a girl because I was on top.\"\r\n\r\nThe third started to cry. The first two asked her what was wrong.\r\n\r\n\"I'm going to have a puppy\" she replied.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 2764,
"title": "What are you having?"
},
{
"body": "A lawyer, a carpenter and an astronaut were having drinks in a bar when suddenly one gets up and hits the other.\r\n\"who hit me?\"\r\n\"It wasn't me.\"\r\n\"I didn't see too much either.\"\r\n\r\n\"It must have been the dog\"\r\n\"What dog?\"\r\n\"I'm blind so I couldn't see a dog.\"\r\n\r\n\"Doh, that means I hit myself.\"\r\n\"hahahahaha how strange I thought you guys had hit me. Sorry about that.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 2765,
"title": "Bar fight"
},
{
"body": "A man drove up to a beautiful lady at a stop light. She was in a nice Porsche. \r\n\r\nHe asks her, \"Excuse me, miss, you have Grey Poupon?\"\r\n\r\n\"I sure hope not, I just got my car waxed; damn those birds.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2766,
"title": "Grey poupon"
},
{
"body": "My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 2767,
"title": "Computer--Britney"
},
{
"body": "Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. \r\n\r\nRottweiler: Make me! \r\n\r\nLab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? \r\n\r\nDachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! \r\n\r\nMalamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. \r\n\r\nJack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls. \r\n\r\nGreyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? \r\n\r\nCocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.\r\n\r\nPointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! \r\n\r\nChihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? \r\n\r\nAustralian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... \r\n\r\nBasset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...\r\n\r\nPoodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. \r\n\r\nGolden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2770,
"title": "Dogs and Light Bulbs"
},
{
"body": "A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. \r\n\r\nIn the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. \r\n\r\n''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. \r\n\r\nAs he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' \r\n\r\n''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet. ''",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2771,
"title": "Installing Carpet"
},
{
"body": "Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper... \r\n\r\nIt doesn't permanently solve \r\nany problems, but it makes things \r\nmore acceptable for a while!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2773,
"title": "Laughter"
},
{
"body": "One day a blond from Cali decides to move take a trip to North Carolina to see her brunette friend. Of course, being a blond, she assumes that NC is like a whole different country. \r\n \r\n When she gets there her friend is driving her back to the house. The blond asks \"Do those traffic lights mean something different here?\" and the brunette, playing a prank on the blond, says \r\n\r\n\"Yes. When the light it green, all the brunettes go. When the light is yellow, all the red heads go, and when the light is red, all the blonds go.\" \r\n\r\nThe very next day the blond goes to pick up some groceries for her and her friend. The light turns green. A lot of cars go and the blond is thinking, \"Well, there sure are a lot of brunettes here.\" Then the light turns yellow and a few more cars go. She thinks \"Well, there are a fair amount of red heads.\" Finally the light turns red and she goes and CRASH!!! She gets into a car accident.\r\n\r\nThe policeman is talking to her and he is about to give her a ticket for running a red light. He says to her \"Miss, why did you run the red light\" and she answers \"What do you expect, I'm a blond!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2774,
"title": "Traffic Light"
},
{
"body": "It ain't easy to be a dick;\r\n\r\nI've got a head I can't think with,\r\nAn eye I can't see out of.\r\n\r\nI have to hang around with two nuts all the time.\r\nMy closest neighbour is a real asshole.\r\nMy best friend is a pussy.\r\n\r\nAnd every time I get excited, I throw up;\r\nAnd worst of all, my owner beats me.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2775,
"title": "It Ain't Easy To Be Me"
},
{
"body": "It was a sweltering hot day when three guys, Arnold, Bobby and Calvin, were walking along a never-ending path in a park.\r\n\r\nArnold: It sure is hot! I'd like a vanilla cone very much.\r\nBobby: Yeah, my shirt's soak with sweat. I'd give 10 bucks for a strawberry cone.\r\nCalvin: Well I'd give 20 bucks for any cone.\r\n\r\nArnold picks something off the ground saying, \"Pay up Cal, here's a pine cone.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2776,
"title": "Chill Out For A Cone"
},
{
"body": "See if you can find the hidden image in the group of characters below. It takes some concentration, but it's worth it.\r\nDon't cheat by scrolling down before you look at it. Have fun!\r\n\r\nYou'll be surprised when you see what it is...\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n{{{{{{{===**++++*****+++++++++++????????/// //////////%\\\\\\\r\n @@@@@444+=+=****&^\"\"\"\"\"}}}|||||||]]] \r\n xxxxxxxx<<<<<>>>>>>>xxxxxxxx\r\n ~~~~~~*********~~~~~~~~\r\n====||\\\\/////////*****<><><><><><><>{}{}{}\r\n %%%%%%%%%%%%\r\n $$$&&$$&$$===~|~|~|~|====++ \r\n\r\n\r\nMost people find it easiest to put your nose right up to the screen, then slowly back away while continuing to stare.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIf you still don't see it scroll down for the answer......\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nANSWER:\r\nIt's a picture of..........NOTHING!!!\r\n\r\nI can't believe you fell for that! I hope someone walked by and saw you looking like a complete fool with your eyes crossed and your nose against the screen",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2777,
"title": "Hidden Picture"
},
{
"body": "Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a\r\nnearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.\r\n\r\nDoris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away. \"There's just one problem,\" explained the model. \"Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's not a problem,\" replied Doris. \"We have a tin\r\nbath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water.\"\r\n\r\n\"What about your husband?\" asked the model.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings,\" replied Doris.\r\n\r\n\"Good,\" said the model. \"Now that that's settled, I'll\r\ngo to the studio and see you tonight.\"\r\n\r\nThat evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled\r\nand explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.\r\n\r\nLater when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he did not believe her.\r\n\r\n\"It's true, I tell you!\" said Doris. \"Look, if you\r\ndon't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself.\"\r\n\r\nThe next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed\r\ntowards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.\r\n\r\nLater Fred returned and they retired to bed.\r\n\r\n\"Well, do you believe me now?\" she asked Fred.\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" he replied. \"I've never seen anything like it\r\nin my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?\"\r\n\r\n\"Just to show you the difference.\" answered Doris.\r\n\"But I guess you've seen me millions of times.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" said Fred, \"I have - but the rest of the dart\r\nteam hadn't.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2778,
"title": "Dart Team"
},
{
"body": "Why did the blonde run out of shampoo? \r\nShe kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2781,
"title": "Out of Shampoo"
},
{
"body": "Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind? \r\n\r\nQ: Please state the nature of your relationship to the minor child? \r\nA: I'm his mother. \r\nQ: And you have been so all of his life? \r\n\r\nQ: What is the meaning of sperm being present? \r\nA: It indicates intercourse. \r\nAttorney Q: Male sperm? \r\nA: That is the only kind I know. \r\n\r\nQ: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant? \r\nA: The young lady is pregnant ? but not as a result of my examination. \r\n\r\n\r\nQ: \"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?\"\r\nA: \"No.\"\r\nQ: \"Did you check for blood pressure?\"\r\nA: \"No.\"\r\nQ: \"Did you check for breathing?\"\r\nA: \"No.\"\r\nQ: \"So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?\"\r\nA: \"No.\"\r\nQ: \"How can you be so sure, Doctor?\"\r\nA: \"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.\"\r\nQ: \"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?\"\r\nA: \"It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 2782,
"title": "Things Said In Court 2"
},
{
"body": "Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews\r\nhad to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from\r\nthe Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would\r\nhave a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish\r\ncommunity. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews\r\nwould be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the\r\nJews would have to leave. \r\n\r\nThe Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe,\r\nto represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could\r\nnot speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it\r\nwas decided that this would be a \"silent\" debate. \r\n\r\nOn the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe\r\nsat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope\r\nraised his hand and showed three fingers. \r\n\r\nRabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. \r\n\r\nNext, the Pope waved his finger around his head. \r\n\r\nRabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. \r\n\r\nThe Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of\r\nwine. \r\n\r\nRabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood\r\nup and said, \"I concede the debate. This man has bested me.\r\nThe Jews can stay.\" \r\n\r\nLater, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him\r\nwhat had happened. \r\n\r\nThe Pope said, \"First I held up three fingers to represent\r\nthe Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind\r\nme that there was still one God common to both our religions.\r\nThen I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all\r\naround us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show\r\nthat God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine\r\nand the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He\r\npulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an\r\nanswer for everything. What could I do?\" \r\n\r\nMeanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe,\r\nasking what happened. \"Well,\" said Moishe, \"first he said to\r\nme, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said\r\nto him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be\r\ncleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the\r\nJews ... we stay right here!\" \r\n\r\n\"And then?\" asked a woman. \r\n\r\n\"Who knows?\" said Rabbi Moishe. \"We broke for lunch.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2783,
"title": "Debate"
},
{
"body": "News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, \"Pinkie\" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. The Chief Medical Examiner concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2784,
"title": "Energizer Bunny"
},
{
"body": "Late one night in the Washington D.C., a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. \r\n\"Give me your money!\" he demanded. \r\nIndignant, the affluent man replied, \"You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!\" \r\n\"In that case,\" replied the robber, \"give me MY money!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 2788,
"title": "Mugged"
},
{
"body": "There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. \r\n\r\nThe man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and continues in his direction. \r\n\r\nBy now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.\r\n\r\nThe car gets really close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him. The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel.\r\n\r\nThe squirrel says to the man says, \"See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2789,
"title": "Dodging Cars"
},
{
"body": "There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose. The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year. The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year. The third guy loved to smoke. So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke. Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say fuck him, he's in there for a year.\r\n\r\nA year later they let them out. They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex. The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk. The third guy came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said, \" I forgot my lighter!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2790,
"title": "The Contest"
},
{
"body": "In a recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities they live in are noisier now than they were five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2791,
"title": "Too Much Noise"
},
{
"body": "Dear Dad, \r\n$chool i$ really $well. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I have $o much $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o if you like, $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.\r\n Love Your $on\r\n\r\nDear Son,\r\nI kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmy, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep an hoNOrs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can't study eNOugh.\r\n Love, Dad",
"category": "College",
"id": 2792,
"title": "Subtle Hints"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock!\r\nWho's There?\r\nDishwasher.\r\nDishwasher Who?\r\nDishwasher whay I sphoke vhefore I hafe fawse feeth\r\n(This was the way I spoke before I had false teeth)",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 2793,
"title": "False Teeth"
},
{
"body": "Men are like... Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.\r\n\r\nMen are like... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.\r\n\r\nMen are like... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.\r\n\r\nMen are like... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at but not so bright.\r\n\r\nMen are like... Bank accounts, without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.\r\n\r\nMen are like... High heels, they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2794,
"title": "Men are like..."
},
{
"body": "Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?\r\n\r\nMENstruation\r\nMENopause\r\nMENtal breakdown\r\nGUYnecology (Gynecology)\r\nHIMmorrhoid (Hemorrhoid)",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2795,
"title": "Women's Problems"
},
{
"body": "There were three boys with names Shutup, Manners and Trouble. They were walking around town when they realized Trouble was missing. Shutup and Manners searched and searched but failed to find the missing boy. At a lost, they went up to the Neighbourhood Police Post. Manners had to go to the toilet so Shutup went up and spoke to the policeman there.\r\n\r\nPoliceman=P Shutup=S\r\n\r\nP: Hi little boy, what's your name?\r\nS: Shutup\r\nP: What a rude boy! Where are your manners?\r\nS: At the toilet\r\nP: What are you talking about? Are you looking for trouble here?\r\nS: Yes",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2796,
"title": "Three Boys"
},
{
"body": "A couple were at the beach watching a volleyball game when they notice a pair of adults nearby kissing passionately, the woman running her hands down the man's arms, massaging erotically while nibbling on his ear. The couple was intrigued yet they don't want to miss the exciting match so the girl asked her boyfriend if she should watch the match or them. The guy replied, \"Watch them. You already know how to play volleyball.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2797,
"title": "Watch them"
},
{
"body": "An agitated patron calls on to the blond waiter and inquired why there was a footprint on his meal.\r\n\"Well,\" the innocent-looking blond waiter replied. \"You rushed in here, ordered an omelette and asked me to step on it.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2798,
"title": "Foodprint"
},
{
"body": "This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:\r\n\r\n\"Millennia Year Application Software System\" (MYASS).\r\n\r\nNext Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.\r\n\r\nWe have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.\r\n\r\nSome employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.\r\n\r\nLast week my secretary said to me, \"I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.\" I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.\r\n\r\nThere have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.\r\n\r\nThis database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, \"Here, stick this in MYASS.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2799,
"title": "MYASS"
},
{
"body": "Five toads arrived at the Heaven's Gates. The man in charge asked for each toad's name and what they had been doing. \r\n\r\nThe first gave his name and said he had been going in and out of puddles. The man let him through the gate. \r\n\r\nHe interrogated the next three toads and all three too said they had been going in and out of puddles. Since there was nothing wrong, the man let them all in.\r\n\r\nThen he reached the last toad. She was a pretty one, in toad's sense, and when asked what her name was, she replied, \"Puddles.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2800,
"title": "In And Out of Puddles"
},
{
"body": "A blond was using a pager for the first time. When the operator instructed her to key in \"10\" to leave a voice message, she followed and after the beep, said, \"Excuse me, may I speak to Zeron please?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2801,
"title": "Misusing Pager"
},
{
"body": "Rich and Kim, a couple, were in a room when Kim asked Rich if he would ever forget her. He replied that he would never forget her. Then she said, \"Knock-knock!\" and, of course, Rich said, \"Who's there?\" \"See!\" she exclaimed sulkily. \"You have forgotten already.\"",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 2802,
"title": "Forget"
},
{
"body": "A woman went to shop for a mirror when she chanced upon an expensive one. When she asked why, the salesman told her it was magical, that if you recited a rhyme in front of it, your wishes would come true. The woman bought it and hung it on the door at home.\r\n\r\nMirror Mirror on the door\r\nMake my busts a forty-four\r\n\r\nThe woman instantly had a huge chest. She told her husband but he was in doubt. He went to the mirror then and said:\r\n\r\nMirror Mirror on the door\r\nMake my penis hit the floor\r\n\r\nHis legs were missing, leaving stumps mid-thigh.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2803,
"title": "Mirror Mirror"
},
{
"body": "A man selling hats went to a jungle for a rest. A monkey came and stole a hat. The man couldn't catch the monkey. He realized the monkey followed the man's actions. He threw the hat to the ground. The monkey threw the hat to the ground. He picked up both hats and went away.\r\n\r\nThe man then had a grandson who followed the family business and sold hats. The grandson went to a jungle to rest while selling hats. A monkey came and stole a hat. The grandson thought of his grandfather's story, and threw the hat on the floor. The monkey ran and picked up the hat. It then slapped the grandson, saying, \"You think you're the only one having a grandfather?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 2804,
"title": "The Hat Seller"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so old, her memories are in black and white!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2805,
"title": "Memories"
},
{
"body": "Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, \"What do you think about all this Satan stuff?\"\r\nThe other boy replied, \"Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2806,
"title": "All this Satan Stuff"
},
{
"body": "A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, \"Major, when was the last time you had sex?\"\r\n\r\n\"1956,\" was his reply. \"No wonder you look so uptight!\" she exclaimed. \"Major, you need to get out more!\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm not sure I understand you,\" he answered, glancing at his watch, ...\"It's only 2014 now.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 2807,
"title": "IN the military"
},
{
"body": "Yo moma's like a mail box, open all day and all night.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2811,
"title": "Mail"
},
{
"body": "A king is sentencing his prisoners. The first person enters and says that he stole a horse. \"Hang him,\" the king yells. The second person comes in and says he stole old ladies' purses. \"You heartless fiend! Shoot him\" the king growls. The third person comes in and says that he pirated software on the internet and stole billions of dollars from internet companies. \"Well what the heck are you guys doing just standing there?\", he tells his men, \"Hire him already!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2814,
"title": "The King's Prisoners"
},
{
"body": "One day, a man held a contest. The winner would be who could get the most ping pong balls in one day.\r\n\r\nThe first man comes back with 100.\r\nThe second man comes back with 110.\r\nThe third man comes back with a whole ton of bruises. The men ask him why he didn't collect any ping pong balls and why he was bruised. He said,\r\n\r\n\"Ping pong balls? I thought he said King Kong's balls!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2815,
"title": "Ping Pong"
},
{
"body": "There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, \"What is three plus four?\" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, \"Seven.\" The uncle said, \"Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets.\" So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, \"What is five plus five?\" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy\r\nsaid, \"Eleven.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2817,
"title": "Pockets"
},
{
"body": "A redneck couple had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, the man took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel.\r\n\r\nThe woman said to the bellman, \"We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.\"\r\n\r\n\"But, madam,\" replied the bellman.\r\n\r\n\"Don't 'But madam' me,\" she continued. \"You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager.\"\r\n\r\n\"Madam,\" the bellman said, \"this isn't your room; this is the elevator!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 2819,
"title": "Redneck Hotel"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny got on a bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked him, \"Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?\"\r\n\r\nThe man smiled kindly and answered, \"I wear this collar because I am a father.\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny thought a second and responded, \"Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?\"\r\n\r\nThe priest thought for a minute, and said, \"I am the Father for many.\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny quickly answered, \"My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?\"\r\n\r\nThe priest, flustered, said impatiently, \"I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people.\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, \"Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2820,
"title": "Priest's Collar"
},
{
"body": "A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.\r\n\r\nWhen she awakens, several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children. The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is \"How are my children?\" \r\n\r\n\"Fine\" says the doctor, your brother named them. She thinks to herself, Oh no, my brother's an idiot.\r\n\r\n\"What did he name them?\" she asks the doctor.\r\n\r\n\"He named the girl Denise\" said the doctor.\r\n\r\nWell, maybe I misjudged my brother, Denise isn't such a bad name, she realizes. \"What did he name the boy?\"\r\n\r\nReplies the doctor \"Denephew.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2821,
"title": "Naming Children"
},
{
"body": "After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.\r\n\r\nWhen he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, \"I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.\"\r\n\r\n\"Thank heavens,\" his date replied. \"If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2824,
"title": "Grandfather"
},
{
"body": "At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. \"Don't you want her name engraved upon it?\" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,\r\n\r\n\"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2825,
"title": "Jewelry"
},
{
"body": "God says the world is going to end, so he chooses three famous people to tell everyone. So, George Bush, Bill Gates, and Saddam Hussein come to see, him. God tells them that the world is going to end and tells them to tell their people. George Bush goes live on CNN and tells America, \"Folks, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you were right all along, there is a God. The bad news is that he is ending the world.\" Saddam goes to tell all of his people of his encounter, \"My people, I have some bad news and some worse news, the bad news is that those damn Americans were right all along, there is a God. The worse news is that he is ending the world.\" Then Bill Gates writes an e-mail to all of his friends and employees, \"Hi people, Iv'e got some great news and even better news. The great news is that God thinks I am one of the most famous people on earth. The even better news is that we don't have to upgrade from Windows XP.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 2827,
"title": "God's decree"
},
{
"body": "Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas?\r\n\r\nA. He felt his presence!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 2828,
"title": "Darth Vader"
},
{
"body": "Q. How did the blond injure herself raking leaves?\r\n\r\nA. She fell out of the tree!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2829,
"title": "Raking Leaves"
},
{
"body": "Q. What did Stevie Wonder say about the cheese grater he got for Christmas?\r\n\r\nA. It was the scariest book he had ever read!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2830,
"title": "Cheese Grater"
},
{
"body": "An American. an Englishman and a Chinese man were all taking part in a quiz contest. One question asked them was to fill in a blank in a song title and then spell the word. The song title was 'Old Macdonald had a ----'.\r\nThe American was first to answer - he said 'ranch', spelt R-A-N-C-H.\r\n\"Wrong\" said the quiz master.\r\nThe Englishman answered next - he said 'estate', spelt E-S-T-A-T-E.\r\n\"Wrong\" said the quiz master.\r\nThen the Chinese man answered - he said 'farm'.\r\n\"Please spell it\" said the quiz master.\r\n\"E - I - E - I - O\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2832,
"title": "Old McDonald....."
},
{
"body": "As part of his plan to let the Yanks know that he is not only still alive but ready to kick ass, Saddam sent a letter to George W Bush. The letter was immediately recognised as from the former dictator of Iraq and was detoxified and checked for explosives before being opened. In it was a single sheet of paper with the characters:-\r\n370HSSV 0773H\r\nThe president couldn't work out what this meant, so he had an aide type a copy and sent it to that very smart man, Donald Rumsfeld. The Secretary of Defence and his aides studied it for a week, using the most powerful code cracking computers the NSA could come up with, and were still stumped .They sent it to Langley, where the CIA similarly had no luck. The FBI did no better. In desperation they even tried the British - no joy there - and MIT. Nobody could make any sense of the message.\r\nEventually, they called in the Mossad, Israel's secret service. They looked at it for a few seconds and e-mailed back to Washington, \"Tell the President he's holding the paper upside down.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2833,
"title": "Secret Message"
},
{
"body": "If you were any more pointless, you would be a circle.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 2834,
"title": "Pointless"
},
{
"body": "If your IQ was any lower you would trip on it.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 2836,
"title": "Low IQ"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat when she sits down in class she sits by everyone.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2837,
"title": "Class"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat when I put her on the family tree the branch broke.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2838,
"title": "Family Tree"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat her belt size is the equator.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 2840,
"title": "Belt Size"
},
{
"body": "A woman went to a wishing well and wished that she could become a better driver. So she turned into a man.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2841,
"title": "Wishing Well"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Lizzie's does it take to screw up a light bulb \r\nA: I Dunno, but it only takes one to screw up a graduation ( from movie lizzie McGuire: she ruins junior high graduation)",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 2843,
"title": "Lizzie"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the blond who tried to hijack a submarine?\r\nShe demanded $100,000 and a parachute.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 2844,
"title": "Submarine"
},
{
"body": "You know something is wrong with today's educational system when you figure out that of the three R's, reading, writing, and arithmetic, only one actually starts with an R.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2845,
"title": "Educational System"
},
{
"body": "\"It's chilly in here,\" the wealthy customer sniffed. \"Will you please turn down the air conditioner?\"\r\n\r\n\"No problem sir,\" said the waiter.\r\n\r\nAfter a few minutes, the man flagged the server again. \"Now I'm too warm.\"\r\n\r\n\"All right,\" said the waiter. But soon the customer was chilly again.\r\n\r\nFinally a patron at a nearby table whispered to the waiter, \"I commend you for your patience. That guy is certainly keeping you busy.\"\r\n\r\n\"No he's not,\" the waiter said with a shrug. \"We don't even have an air conditioner.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2846,
"title": "Air Conditioning"
},
{
"body": "These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool, and all the kids go in. As they're changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, \"Did you notice how small the rich kid's penises were?\" \"Yeah,\" says his mate, \"It's probably because they've got toys to play with.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2851,
"title": "Rich kids and Poor Kids"
},
{
"body": "Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, \"My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!\" \"What makes you say that?\" the bartender inquired. \"Last week,\" Bill explained, \"I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, `My old man's home! My old man's home!'\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2852,
"title": "My Old Man Is Home!"
},
{
"body": "What do Michael Jackson and plastic bags have in common? \r\nThey are both made out of plastic and are dangerous for children to play with.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2856,
"title": "Michael Jackson"
},
{
"body": "At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, \"We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41.\"\r\n\r\nSo my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.\r\n\r\nSo, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: \"Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2857,
"title": "Boarding from what gate?"
},
{
"body": "There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, \"Wow, these seats are big!\" The person next to him answered, \"Everything is big in Texas.\" \r\n\r\nWhen he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, \"Wow these mugs are big!\" The bartender replied, \"Everything is big in Texas.\" \r\n\r\nAfter a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, \"Second door to the right.\" The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. \r\n\r\nScared to death, the blind man started shouting, \"Don't flush, don't flush!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 2858,
"title": " A blind man visits the state of Texas"
},
{
"body": "How many cartoon characters does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\n\r\nnine - three to find a light bulb, three to figure out how to remove the old one, three to screw it in, and all of them to complicate it!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 2859,
"title": "Cartoons"
},
{
"body": "How do you know, your computer hates you?\r\n\r\nWhen it grows and pop ups.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 2860,
"title": "Computer Pops"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? \r\n \r\n\r\nNow, think about it..... \r\n \r\n\r\nReady??? \r\n\r\n\r\nARE YOU SURE??? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2861,
"title": "Pantyhose Quiz"
},
{
"body": "How do you know that you're a computer geek?\r\n\r\nYou catch a computer virus and take a virus scanning pill every week.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 2862,
"title": "Geek?"
},
{
"body": "What exactly does the government do?\r\n\r\nThey seem to complicate all the simple things while trying to do the opposite.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 2863,
"title": "Government's job?"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, there was an elderly couple. Next door, there lived a Peeping Tom. One day, the couple received a phone call. The woman said, \"Fred! Peeping Tom tells us to shut the blinds or he'll call the police!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 2865,
"title": "Peeping Tom"
},
{
"body": "One day my wife was changing my daughter's diaper, and my 3 year old son walked in and saw her and asked, \"Mommy, where is her thingy?\"\r\n\r\nI almost had a heart attack, laughing so hard that day.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 2866,
"title": "Diapers"
},
{
"body": "How many worms does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\n\r\nWhat kind of an idiot thinks worms can screw in light bulbs?!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 2867,
"title": "Worms"
},
{
"body": "You know that you're a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 2869,
"title": "A Really Boring Person"
},
{
"body": "A man walked into the ladies department of a store and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, \"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.\" \r\n\r\n\"What type of bra?\" asked the clerk. \"Type?\" inquires the man, \"There is more than one type?\" \r\n\r\n\"Look around,\" said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. \"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.\" \r\n\r\nRelieved, the man asked about the types. \r\n\r\nThe saleslady replied \"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?\" \r\n\r\nNow befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. \r\n\r\nThe saleslady responded, \r\n\"It is all really quite simple... \r\n\r\nThe Catholic type\r\nsupports the masses. \r\n\r\nThe Salvation Army\r\ntype lifts the fallen, \r\n \r\nThe Presbyterian type\r\nkeeps them staunch and upright, \r\n\r\nand the Baptist makes\r\nmountains out of mole hills.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 2875,
"title": "What Religion is Your Bra?"
},
{
"body": "Said the pig to his pop, \"There's the candy shop. Oh, please Let's go inside.\" \"And I promise I won't make a kid of myself if you give me a people-back ride.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2880,
"title": "Little Pigs Treat"
},
{
"body": "The idiots we have today.\r\n\r\nThey're so stupid they make turkeys seem smart.\r\nThey even make sponges seem smarter.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 2882,
"title": "Idiots Today"
},
{
"body": "There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.\r\n\r\nThe poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, \"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying.\"\r\n\r\n\"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 2883,
"title": "A Very Depressed Man"
},
{
"body": "A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. \r\n\r\nApproaching the friend he comments, \"You look terrible. What's the problem?\" \r\n\r\n\"My mother died in August,\" he said, \"and left me $25,000.\" \r\n\r\n\"Gee, that's tough,\" he replied. \r\n\r\n\"Then in September,\" the friend continued, \"My father died, leaving me $90,000.\" \r\n\r\n\"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.\" \r\n\r\n\"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.\" \r\n\r\n\"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.\" \r\n\r\n\"Then this month,\" continued, the friend, \"absolutely nothing!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2884,
"title": "I Didn't Get Any Money This Time"
},
{
"body": "A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for sometime at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, \"I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.\" \r\n\r\n\"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!\" she screamed. \r\n\r\n\"Funny,\" he muttered, \"you even sound exactly like her.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 2885,
"title": "You Looked Like My Wife"
},
{
"body": "All of the following town names are REAL:\r\n\r\nLong Dong (Guangxi, China)\r\n\r\nBlowhard (Australia)\r\n\r\nPickles Gap (Arkansas)\r\n\r\nPetting (Germany)\r\n\r\nMount Mee (Australia)\r\n\r\nTitting (Germany)\r\n\r\nLickdale (Pennsylvania, USA)\r\n\r\nYocumtown (Pennsylvania, USA)\r\n\r\nFugit (Kentucky, USA)\r\n\r\nAssinippi (Massachusetts, USA)\r\n\r\nBig Cockup and Little Cockup (England)\r\n\r\nCocktown (Wexford, Ireland)\r\n\r\nSally's Gap (Ireland)\r\n\r\nDick Johnson (Indiana, USA)\r\n\r\nBeaver Bottom (Kentucky, USA)\r\n\r\nBlack Butte (Oregon, USA)\r\n\r\nSandy Balls (England)\r\n\r\nTilicum (Washington, USA)\r\n\r\nCockburn (Australia)\r\n\r\nBangor (Wales)\r\n\r\nDyckesville (Wisconsin, USA)\r\n\r\nBallville (Ohio, USA)\r\n\r\nPrickwillow (England)\r\n\r\nBlack Charlie's Opening (England)\r\n\r\nKinmount (Ontario, Canada)\r\n\r\nEuren (Wisconsin, USA)\r\n\r\nCockland (Ohio, USA)\r\n\r\nAssville (Tennessee, USA)\r\n\r\nSpuzzum (Canada)\r\n\r\nBloody Dick (Montana, USA)\r\n\r\nShafter (California, USA)\r\n\r\nBeaver (Oklahoma, USA)\r\n\r\nMt. Buggery (Australia)\r\n\r\nHandcock Town (North Carolina, USA)\r\n\r\nShitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)\r\n\r\nBastard (Norway)\r\n\r\nSackville (Canada) \r\n \r\nTwatt (Orkney, UK)\r\n\r\nMuff (County Donegal, Ireland)\r\n\r\nLicking Valley (Ohio, USA)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 2889,
"title": "Real Town Names"
},
{
"body": "There were three monks and a lady arguing about something that the lady was sure she was correct in, but could not convince the monks otherwise. She then prayed to God and asked for a sign. Lightning hit and she said, \"Is that enough proof for you?\" \r\nThey replied that lightning strikes all the time and is a natural occurrence. She asked for another sign, and lightning struck a nearby tree; again, they denounced her, saying that it was a natural occurrence. She asked again and a voice rumbled from the sky saying, \"SHEEEEE'S RIIIIGHTTTT!\"\r\nShe then thought she had beaten them, when one of them said, \"Well, it's still three to two.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3098,
"title": "3 Monks, a Lady, and God"
},
{
"body": "A blonde buys a box of laundry detergent, and it says on the box, \"20 uses\".\r\n\r\nA day later, the blonde calls the laundry detergent company and says, \"I bought your product and the box says '20 uses', but all it does is my laundry!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3101,
"title": "Laundry"
},
{
"body": "A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, \"Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.\" The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, \"Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry.\" She immediately replies, \"The red-head in the middle.\" Stunned, the young man says, \"That's amazing, Mom. You're right. How did you know?\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't like her,\" she says.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3102,
"title": "Who Am I?"
},
{
"body": "A golfer was having a round of golf with the local vicar. The golfer took his birdie put, but then a gust of wind blew the ball just wide of the hole. The golfer, being very bad tempered, then exclaimed \"Damn - missed the bugger!\".\r\n\r\nThe vicar said to the man \"Please do not use foul language again.\"\r\n\r\nThey moved onto the next hole and exactly the same thing happened - a gust of wind blew the ball just wide. Once again the golfer shouted \"Damn - missed the bugger!\"\r\n\r\nThis annoyed the vicar, so he turned to the man and said \"Please do not use bad language again, or the heavens shall open and God will strike you down with a bolt of lightning!\"\r\n\r\nBut once again, on the next hole a gust of wind blew the ball just wide, and the golfer screamed \"Damn - missed the bugger!\"\r\n\r\nAs soon as he said this the heavens opened and a lightning bolt shot down and struck the vicar. \r\n\r\nThen God's voice boomed \"Damn - missed the bugger!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3127,
"title": "Damn - Missed the Bugger!"
},
{
"body": "A tourist to New York City, Bob, was marveling at the Poe opera house. \r\n\r\nAs a man passed by Bob asked \"Was this building named for the great author and poet Edgar Allen Poe?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" replied the man, \"the building was named for James Poe.\"\r\n\r\n\"What did he write?\" asked Bob.\r\n\r\nSaid the man, \"A check.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3140,
"title": "Writing"
},
{
"body": "Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. \r\n\r\nIf you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. \r\n\r\nIf you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. \r\n\r\nIf you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. \r\n\r\nIf you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. \r\n\r\nIf you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. \r\n\r\nIf you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. \r\n\r\nIf you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer. \r\n\r\nIf you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. \r\n\r\nIf you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. \r\n\r\nIf you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. \r\n\r\nIf you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. \r\n\r\nIf you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. \r\n\r\nIf you have short-term memory loss, press 9. \r\n\r\nIf you have short-term memory loss, press 9. \r\n\r\nIf you have short-term memory loss, press 9. \r\n\r\nIf you have short-term memory loss, press 9. \r\n\r\nIf you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3141,
"title": "Mental Health Hotline"
},
{
"body": "An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. \r\n\r\nThe mother asks the daughter, \"What are you doing naked?\" \r\n\r\nThe daughter responds, \"This is the dress of love.\" \r\n\r\nWhen the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. \r\n\r\nWhen her husband arrives, he asks her, \"What are you doing naked?\" \r\n\r\nShe responds, \"This is the dress of love.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" he says to her, \"go iron it.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3149,
"title": "The Dress of Love!"
},
{
"body": "Two bosses were talking about how dumb their blond assistants are. The first boss says, \"You think your assistant is dumb, watch this.\" And the man calls over the blond and says \"Go to my house and see if I'm home.\" So the blond says \"Yes sir! Right away sir!\" and away she goes.\r\n\r\nThe second boss says \"You call that dumb! Watch this!\" So he calls over his blonde assistant and says \"Here's a dime, go buy me a car.\" She replies \"Yes sir! No problem!\" and away the blond goes.\r\n\r\nOn their way to go do the tasks given to them, they meet up and start talking. \r\n\r\nThe first blond says \"My boss is so stupid! He told me to go to his house and see if he's home. I mean, why couldn't he just call and see if he's home! OH! The nerve!\"\r\n\r\nThe second blond says \"You think that's dumb? My boss gave me a dime to go buy him a car! Honestly! He didn't even tell me what kind or color he wanted!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3152,
"title": "Who's the Dumb One Now"
},
{
"body": "A young man entered a bar, walked to the counter and told the barman,\r\n\"May I have a question, sir? I heard that a drink of beer will bring you the courage to do something terrible that you hate to do? Is that right, sir?\"\r\n\"Yes, I guess so,\" the barman answered with a smile.\r\n\"How much beer then?\"\r\n\"It depends. Why don't you try and find out?\"\r\n\"OK, then give me a glass of beer please.\"\r\nSitting in the corner, the young man kept asking for more beer. After the fifth glass, the barman looked at the man with a wink, \"Well, how do you feel? Am I right?\"\r\n\"Uh yes, I feel the courage growing in me, but not enough,\" and then he ordered another drink.\r\nThree more glasses and then the man stood up, saying to the barman with a very strong voice, \"All right, thank you for the beer, sir. I'll stop here. I think I'll make it now!\"\r\nThis time the barman could not overcome his curiosity. \"Yes, I can tell that from your face,\" he said, \"but may I ask what is that thing that you hate to do so much, man?\"\r\nThe young man said, \"Just telling somebody that I have no money in my pocket, sir\" he answered wryly.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 3154,
"title": "Alcoholic Courage"
},
{
"body": "Halfway along a commercial flight, a stewardess spoke out to the surprised passengers,\r\n\r\n\"Ladies and gentlemen! We have the honor to announce that you happen to be aboard the 10,001st flight of Good Grace Airlines! To celebrate this historic event, we are glad to give each of you a special valuable gift.\"\r\n\r\nThe passengers immediately broke into a cheerful applause, congratulating each other on the sudden luck they had. Then one man said aloud,\r\n\r\n\"This is really exciting! But why didn't you choose the 10,000th flight? I suppose it's a better number for a celebration.\"\r\n\r\n\"Certainly we did,\" replied the stewardess, \"but unfortunately, because that flight crashed, we decided to shift the celebration.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3155,
"title": "Aerial Luck"
},
{
"body": "A kid was sitting on his lawn with a litter of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. He kindly asked the boy what kind of puppies they were. \r\nThe little boy said, \"Republicans.\" \r\n\r\nThe President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, \"Atta boy!\" \r\n\r\nA few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, \"Hi little boy, what kind of puppies are those?\"\r\n\r\nThe boy said, \"Democrats.\" \r\n\r\nBush was shocked and crushed. \"What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!\" \r\n\r\nThe boy answered, \"Well, then the puppies opened their eyes.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3156,
"title": "Puppies"
},
{
"body": "A helicopter was flying in Seattle when suddenly an electrical malfunction disabled all electronic navigation and communication equipment.\r\n\r\nDue to the amount of fog, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. He spotted a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said \"WHERE AM I?\" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said \"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.\" \r\n\r\nThe pilot thanked them by smiling and waving, determined the route to SEATAC airport and landed safely. When they were finally on the ground, his co-pilot asked him how he'd done it. \r\n\r\n\"I knew it had to be the Microsoft building, because they gave me a technically correct but utterly and completely useless answer.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 3157,
"title": "Microsoft's Useless"
},
{
"body": "Fill in the blank to this odd analogy.\r\n\r\nQuiz is to quizzical as test is to _______",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3158,
"title": "Analogy"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat, she shows up on radar.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 3159,
"title": "Radar"
},
{
"body": "Ladies and gentlemen,\r\n\r\nThis five-letter-word little thing belongs to men, and no women. Some men have long ones, others shorter. It's straight in some men, and crooked in others. It may turn soft or hard in just a matter of seconds. Useless to some, it boasts manhood for others. Children wonder about it, young men are proud of it, while old men see their age in it. And whatever it is, some women love it, while others are afraid of it.\r\n\r\nWhat is that darn thing anyway?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nScroll down for ANSWER\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\nbeard, of course! what else? ;-)",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3160,
"title": "The Thing"
},
{
"body": "Two Frenchmen came to New York for a vacation. The first thing they did leaving the hotel was to buy an American-French dictionary. Without a guide, they decided to learn English word by word in the simplest way they could think of -- continuously browsing through the dictionary, picking at random a certain word and look up its definition.\r\n\r\nSo they went into a coffee shop and started off right away. The first word they came upon happened to be \"Ouch\" which was defined as \"an interjection used to express a mixed feeling of surprise, sudden pain and anger.\" It was then that they suddenly realized they did not have the slightest idea what those cryptic pronunciation symbols might sound like. Thinking hard, one of the Frenchmen finally came up with a bright idea:\r\n\r\n\"Well, don't worry, mon ami. I suppose the best way for us to learn how to pronounce that word is to get a native say it out loud!\"\r\n\r\n\"But how? I'm afraid nobody in this busy town is going to help us,\" said the other guy.\r\n\r\n\"They will, even if they don't want to, mon ami,\" smiled the first man. \"Do you see that jolie blonde walking out there? Yes, there! Go out and pinch her cute tits as hard you can! Listen carefully for the \"ouch\" she should be uttering; you can be sure that's the most authentic pronunciation we'll ever get!\"\r\n\r\nThe other Frenchman nodded with a wink and went out for his awkward assignment. A moment later he came back looking completely dumbfounded. He told his friend in a doubtful voice,\r\n\r\n\"Bon Dieu, did I think English is easy, duh! I didn't expect this simple word alone could have such a hell of a long and messy pronunciation!\"\r\n\r\n\"Come on, what did you hear then?\"\r\n\r\n\"She pronounced the word something like 'dzou gah-daime mah-de-feuck-igne aiss-haule'. Isn't that amazing !!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3161,
"title": "English Pronunciation"
},
{
"body": "1.Your richest relative buys an \"expensive\" house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.\r\n\r\n2.You refer to the sixth grade as graduation.\r\n\r\n3.Your wife's new hairdo gets destroyed by the ceiling fan.\r\n\r\n4.Your front porch collapses and hurts more than three dogs.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 3162,
"title": "You Might Be A Redneck If..."
},
{
"body": "An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, \"7 points!\" \r\nHis wife looked at him and said, \"What the hell are you doing?\" \r\n\r\nHe simply replied, \"Just playing bed football.\" \r\n\r\nTen minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, \"Tie game - 7,7.\" \r\n\r\nThe husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, \"Now what's the score?\" \r\n\r\nHe said, \"Still 7,7. End of quarter; switch sides!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3163,
"title": "Bed Football"
},
{
"body": "From an interview with a millionaire:\r\n\r\n\"What is your secret to making money?\"\r\n\r\n\"Quite simple. Before entering business I observed that most of the sales profits are generally lost in the handling of complaints and refunds. So I made my decision to try to eliminate these expenses.\"\r\n\r\n\"I can say that's quite a big task!\"\r\n\r\n\"Not for me. I simply started selling parachutes.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3164,
"title": "A Simple Idea On Cost Saving"
},
{
"body": "\"May I have your name, please?\"\r\n\"My name's Myne.\"\r\n\"What?\"\r\n\"My name is Myne.\"\r\n\"Uh... I know your name is yours but...\"\r\n\"Wait, who told you my name is Yores?\"\r\n\"What? I think I said your name is yours...\"\r\n\"You think you know my name better than me?\"\r\n\"Oh, no, of course, that's why I said your name is yours...\"\r\n\"Hey, listen, now I'm telling you, my name is not Yores...\"\r\n\"Sure, that's just what I said!\"\r\n\"OK, then forget it, now you got my name?\"\r\n\"Sorry no, what's your name again please?\"\r\n\"My name is Myne.\"\r\n\"Yes, yours, I know...\"\r\n\"Not Yores, Myne. Myne, did you hear?\"\r\n\"Yes, I do, I know that. But does that mean you won't tell your name?\"\r\n\"What? And you said you heard it right! I already told you.\"\r\n\"Then why are you always saying your name is yours?\"\r\n\"What the hell happens to you? Listen carefully, I'm telling you the last time, I promise. My name is not Yores, it's Myne.\"\r\n\"Come on, did I ever deny that? Your name oughta be yours, it can't be mine...\"\r\n\"Hey, sorry, I'm afraid I'll have to find another hotel. Bye!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3165,
"title": "Overheard Conversation"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the similarity between tyrannosaurus and blondes with an IQ greater then 200.\r\n\r\nA: Both are extinct.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3176,
"title": "Extinct"
},
{
"body": "Once a blond police officer stopped a man and asked for his driving license.\r\nShe saw it and told the man \"it says here that you must wear glasses\"\r\nThe man said \"I have contacts\"\r\nThe blond said \"I don't care who you know, you are still getting a traffic ticket\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3177,
"title": "Traffic Ticket"
},
{
"body": "George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.\r\n\r\nWhen the stamps were released, Bush heard complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and he become furious.\r\n\r\nHe called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.\r\n\r\nThe chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush.\r\n\r\nHe said, \"Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3178,
"title": "Not Sticking!!"
},
{
"body": "Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,\"Happy Birthday,\" and probably have a present for me. \r\nShe didn't even say \"Good Morning,\" let alone any, \"Happy Birthday.\" I thought, \"Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.\" \r\n\r\nThe children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. \r\n\r\nWhen I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, \"Good morning boss, Happy Birthday,\" and I felt a little better; someone had remembered. \r\n\r\nI worked until noon, when Janet knocked on my door and said, \"You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.\"\r\n\r\nI said, \"By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.\" \r\n\r\nWe went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. \r\n\r\nOn the way back to the office, she said, \"You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?\" I said, \"No, I guess not.\"\r\n\r\nShe said, \"Let's go to my apartment.\" After arriving at her apartment she said, \"Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.\" \r\n\r\n\"Sure,\" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing \"Happy Birthday\" and there on the couch I sat, naked.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3181,
"title": "Secretary"
},
{
"body": "A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, \"Have you done your chores yet?\" \r\n\"No,\" replies the boy, \"but could I have breakfast first?\" \r\n\r\n\"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs.\" \r\n\r\nThe boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, he walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig. \r\n\r\nFinally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, \"Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" says his mother, \"I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage.\" \r\n\r\nJust then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, \"Should I tell him now, or do you want to?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3183,
"title": "Kicking"
},
{
"body": "A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. \r\n\r\nThe devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20 pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. \r\nAt the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania. \r\n\r\nThe devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. \r\n\r\nAt the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania. \r\n\r\nAt that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. \r\n\r\nAt the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, instead the man was singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.\r\n\r\nWhen the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, \"Cold day in hell - the Eagles must have won the Super Bowl!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3185,
"title": "Super Bowl"
},
{
"body": "George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, \"Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?\"\r\nThe barman says, \"Yep, that`s them.\"\r\n\r\nSo the guy walks over and says, \"Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?\"\r\nBush says, \"We`re planning World War III\".\r\nAnd the guy says, \"Really? What`s going to happen?\"\r\n\r\nBush says, \"Well, we`re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde.\"\r\n\r\nThe guy exclaimed, \"Intelligent blonde! Why kill a blonde?\"\r\n\r\nBush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, \"See, smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3187,
"title": "World War 3"
},
{
"body": "It was opening night at the theatre and people came from miles around to see the the very famous hypnotist do his stuff.\r\n\r\nAs the hypnotist took to the stage, he announced, \"Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.\"\r\n\r\nThe people had heard of the famous magic of the hypnotist, so the excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. \r\n\r\n\"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.\"\r\n\r\nHe began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, \"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch....\" The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. \r\n\r\nHundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.\r\n\r\n\"Shit\" said the hypnotist.\r\n\r\nIt took three weeks to clean up the theater.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3190,
"title": "Great Hypnotist"
},
{
"body": "1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. \r\n2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on. \r\n3. Aren't you the guy from the village people? \r\n4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me. \r\n5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop. \r\n6. Bad cop! No donut! \r\n7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you? \r\n8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school. \r\n9. I pay your salary. \r\n10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also. \r\n11. Is that a 9 mm? It's nothing compared to this 44 magnum! \r\n12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist. \r\n13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does. \r\n14. By the looks of that gut, I bet I can outrun you. \r\n15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops? \r\n16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? \r\n17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around; that's how far they are ahead of me. \r\n18. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3193,
"title": "Thing Not to Say to a Cop"
},
{
"body": "A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.\r\n\r\nThey arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said \"Rest in Peace\".\r\n\r\nWhen the friend found out, she became angry and called the florist to complain. After she had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry she was, the florist said.\r\n\r\n\"Madam, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,\r\n\"Congratulations on your new location\".",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3197,
"title": "When You Care Enough..."
},
{
"body": "Did you know that nobody can lick their elbow? \r\n\r\n\r\n*75% of the people that read this try it*",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3203,
"title": "Did You Know?"
},
{
"body": "At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. \r\n\"Just to establish some parameters,\" said the professor to the student from Arkansas, \"what is the opposite of joy?\" \r\n\r\n\"Sadness,\" said the student. \r\n\r\n\"And the opposite of depression?\" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. \r\n\r\n\"Elation,\" she said. \r\n\r\n\"And you sir,\" he said to the young man from Texas, \"what about the opposite of woe?\" \r\n\r\nThe Texan replied, \"Sir, I believe that would be'giddy up' \".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3206,
"title": "Oklahoma"
},
{
"body": "Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, \"My dad can blow smoke rings.\" \r\nThe second boy said, \"My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose.\" \r\n\r\nThe third boy said, \"Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt.\" \r\n\r\nThe first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, \"Have you seen him do it?\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" said the third boy, \"but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3207,
"title": "Smoke Rings"
},
{
"body": "Steve was in a terrible accident at work; however, the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated. Because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.\r\n\r\nOne day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business, and, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.\r\n\r\nThe first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting, but at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, \"Do you notice anything different about me?\" The gentleman answered, \"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears.\" Steve got very angry and threw him out.\r\n\r\nThe second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, \"Do you notice anything different about me?\" She replied, \"Well... you have no ears.\" Steve again was upset and tossed her out. \r\n\r\nThe third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart, he was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question, \"Do you notice anything different about me?\" To his surprise, the young man answered, \"Yes. You wear contact lenses.\" Steve was shocked, and said, \"What an incredibly observant young man you are. How in the world did you know that?\"\r\n\r\nThe young man replied, \"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3208,
"title": "No Ears"
},
{
"body": "A guy eats at a restaurant.\r\nAt the end of the meal, the guy looks at the check:\r\nSalads . . . . . . $3\r\nSteak . . . . . . $10\r\nWorks . . . . . . .$5\r\nCola . . . . . . . $2\r\n-----------------------\r\nTotal $20\r\nThe customer asked the waiter \"What's 'works'?\"\r\n\"This time it didn't work\" said the waiter and crossed out that row.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3211,
"title": "Look at the Check"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny kept spelling the word \"went\" wrong, instead he spelt \"whent\". His teacher, who was very fusterated, decided to keep him after class to spell \"went\" 100 times. \r\nThe next day she comes into the classroom, thinking he learned his lesson, and sees the whole board is full of the word \"went\".\r\n \r\nBut at the end... \r\n \"I wrote \"went\" 50 times, then I ran out of space, so I whent home\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3212,
"title": "A Spelling Lesson"
},
{
"body": "10 sentences teachers say (and their true meanings)\r\n\r\n1. This book is very commonly used\r\n(I also studied from it 40 years ago)\r\n\r\n2. It's important to understand what the material means in general\r\n(I'm not good with details)\r\n\r\n3. Some might say...\r\n(My guess is...)\r\n\r\n4. The answer to that question is not in the syllabus\r\n(I don't know the answer to your question)\r\n\r\n5. We'll discuss that question next week\r\n(I don't know the answer to your question)\r\n\r\n6. I'll let you search in the dictionary and find out\r\n(I don't know how to spell that word)\r\n\r\n7. Some of you could have succeeded more in the test\r\n(You all failed)\r\n\r\n8. Are there any questions about the material we learned last lesson?\r\n(Did any of you review the material as I asked?)\r\n\r\n9. Today we'll split up into small studying groups\r\n(I don't feel like teaching today so keep yourselves busy)\r\n\r\n10. The homework is due on Monday\r\n(Ruining your weekend is the only fun I have left in teaching)",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3213,
"title": "10 Sentences Teachers Say"
},
{
"body": "A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission. \r\nThe teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, \"Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?\" \r\n\r\n\"Phew, that one's easy,\" says the teacher, \"The Titanic.\" \r\n\r\n\"Alright,\" said St.Peter, \"you may pass.\" \r\n\r\nThen the thief got his question: \"How many died on the Titanic?\" \r\n\r\nThe thief replied, \"That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.\" And so he passed through. \r\n\r\nLast, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: \"Name them",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 3214,
"title": "The Teacher, the Thief & the Lawyer"
},
{
"body": "A blond and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blond asked the brunette what she was going to buy. \r\nThe brunette replied, \"I think I'll buy a new set of plates because mine are chipped. What are you going to buy?\" \r\n\r\nThe blond said, \"I think I'm gonna buy a new butt, because my old one has an enormous crack in it.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3215,
"title": "CRACK"
},
{
"body": "There was this woman who had a blonde daughter. One day, she got her ball stuck in the tree.\r\n\"Mom, my ball's stuck in the tree. Can I go get it?\" she asked.\r\n\"No, the perverted boy will look up your skirt and see your underwear. Wait till daddy gets home.\"\r\nThe little girl furiously stomped away.\r\nAbout an hour later, before her husband came home, the woman saw her daughter playing with her ball. \r\n\"How did you get your ball?\"\r\n\"Well, you said that you didn't want the boy to see my underwear, so I took it off.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3216,
"title": "Perv"
},
{
"body": "Fred and his brother, \"Donkey\" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, \"I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey.\" \r\nThe two guys drink their pints and Fred says, \"Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness.\" \r\n\r\nDonkey walks up to the bar and says, \"2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please.\" \r\n\r\nWhile donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, \"Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname.\" \r\n\r\nDonkey replies, \"I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me 'Donkey.'\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3217,
"title": "Donkey"
},
{
"body": "A Chinese couple got married and were now known as Mr. Wong and Mrs. Wong. However, they didn't know why, but they couldn't have white children. So they went to the doctor to find out what the problem was, and they told him the story and the doctor replied, \"Didn't you know?\" \"Two Wongs don't make a white!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3218,
"title": "The Wongs"
},
{
"body": "Cinderella, Superman and Pinocchio die and go to heaven. On their way they talk:\r\n\r\nCinderella: \"I want to be remembered as the most beautiful girl in the world.\"\r\n\r\nSuperman: \"I want to be remembered as the strongest person in the world.\"\r\n\r\nPinocchio: \"I want to be remembered as the greatest liar in the world.\"\r\n\r\nIt's Cinderella's turn. She goes into the room and comes out smiling, saying, \"It's done. I'm the most beautiful girl in the world!\"\r\n\r\nThen goes Superman. He goes into the room and comes out happy, saying, \"It's done. I'm the strongest person in the world!\"\r\n\r\nLast comes out Pinocchio, angrily he says: \"Damn! who's this Clinton guy?!?!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3221,
"title": "The Greatest Liar"
},
{
"body": "How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb???\r\nNone, they will just have there robot do it.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 3222,
"title": "Lightbulb"
},
{
"body": "One day Bob (a boy) went to Sally (a beautiful girl). Bob told her, \"Sal, Jack (a boy) wants you.\"\r\nShe replied, \"I know.\"\r\nThey stand in silence for a while.\r\nBob finally said, \"I mean he needs your help.\"\r\n\"Oh.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3223,
"title": "Wanted"
},
{
"body": "Girls are in the shower for at least an hour.\r\nIncredibly guys can take a shower in 5 minutes.\r\n\r\nVery beautiful girls are seldom intelligent.\r\nEven blond guys have some brains.\r\n\r\nMarried women marry hoping their guy will change.\r\nEvery man marries hoping their wife wont change.\r\n\r\nPretty girls can usually get what they want.\r\nUnlike good looking guys who still have to suffer.\r\n\r\nSome girls are actually great relationship material.\r\nSome guys cant find those girls.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3225,
"title": "Differences"
},
{
"body": "Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.\r\n\r\nThe first guy says, \"My favorite position is the 'rodeo' position.\"\r\n\r\n\"What is the 'rodeo' position, and how do you do that?\" asks the second man.\r\n\r\nThe first guy explains, \"Well, first you tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours, and then you do it doggy- style. Once things start to get underway, and she's really into it, you lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position too...' Then, try to hang on for 8 seconds.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3226,
"title": "Rodeo"
},
{
"body": "Remember, whenever someone says that you're nobody, remember nobody's perfect.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3227,
"title": "Nobody"
},
{
"body": "FINE\r\n\r\nThis is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use \"fine\" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.\r\n\r\nFIVE MINUTES\r\n\r\nThis is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.\r\n\r\nNOTHING\r\n\r\nThis means \"something,\" and you should be on your toes. \"Nothing\" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. \"Nothing\" usually signifies an argument that will last \"Five Minutes\" and end with \"Fine\"\r\n\r\nGO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows!)\r\n\r\nThis is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over \"Nothing\" and will end with the word \"Fine\"\r\n\r\nGO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)\r\n\r\nThis means \"I give up\" or \"do what you want because I don't care\" You will get a \"Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead\" in just a few minutes, followed by \"Nothing\" and \"Fine\" and she will talk to you in about \"Five Minutes\" when she cools off.\r\n\r\nLOUD SIGH\r\n\r\nThis is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A \"Loud Sigh\" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over \"Nothing\"\r\n\r\nSOFT SIGH\r\n\r\nAgain, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. \"Soft Sighs\" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.\r\n\r\nTHAT'S OKAY\r\n\r\nThis is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. \"That's Okay\" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. \r\n\"That's Okay\" is often used with the word \"Fine\" and in conjunction with a \"Raised Eyebrow.\"\r\n\r\nGO AHEAD!\r\n\r\nAt some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.\r\n\r\nPLEASE DO\r\n\r\nThis is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a \"That's Okay\".\r\n\r\nTHANKS\r\n\r\nA woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.\r\n\r\nTHANKS A LOT\r\n\r\nThis is much different from \"Thanks.\" A woman will say, \"Thanks A Lot\" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the \"Loud Sigh.\" Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the \"Loud Sigh,\" as she will only tell you \"Nothing\".\r\n\r\nSend this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3228,
"title": "WORDS WOMEN USE..."
},
{
"body": "What haunts the closets of a haunted house?\r\nThe SOULS of shoes!\r\n\r\nWhat's a ghosts favourite dessert?\r\nI-scream!\r\n\r\nWhat was the ghosts favorite baseball team?\r\nThe BOO Jays! \r\n\r\nWhat room is a ghost not allowed to go inside?\r\nThe Living room \r\n\r\nWhy didn't the vampire have fun on his vacation?\r\nHe SUCKED all the fun out of it!\r\n\r\nIf a snow man and a vampire got married and they had a baby what would the baby be?\r\nA Snowvam!\r\n\r\nWhere do monsters love to visit in New York?\r\nThe Vampire State Building. \r\n\r\nWhy did the vampire's friend break up with him?\r\nBecause he was a pain in the neck! \r\n\r\nWhy do witches use brooms to fly on? \r\nBecause vacuum cleaners are too heavy!\r\n\r\nWhat kind of street do zombies like best? \r\nDead ends! \r\n\r\nWhat is a vampire's favourite mode of transportation?\r\nA blood vessel!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3229,
"title": "Halloween Favourites"
},
{
"body": "What did the mother match say to the baby match?\r\n\r\nDon't scratch your head.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3231,
"title": "Mother and Baby Match"
},
{
"body": "What do you say to a person who says that they are going to tell on you?\r\n\r\nYou say: Too late, I already told.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3232,
"title": "I'm Telling on You"
},
{
"body": "One day a cat comes walking by meowing, \"I can't do anything right.\" So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, \"Why are you crying?\" \"Because I can't do anything right.\" So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3233,
"title": "The Cat Who Could"
},
{
"body": "Why did the teenager cross the road?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause his parents told him not to.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3237,
"title": "Teenagers"
},
{
"body": "Dear Sir,\r\n\r\nI am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put \"poor planning\" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.\r\n\r\nI am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.\r\n\r\nSecuring the rope to the ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.\r\n\r\nYou will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.\r\n\r\nDue to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.\r\n\r\nIn the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. I slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.\r\n\r\nAt approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.\r\n\r\nIn the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3238,
"title": "The Brick Layer"
},
{
"body": "Q: What is a man's idea of helping you with the housework?\r\nA: Lifting up his legs so you can vacuum underneath them.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3239,
"title": "A Man's Idea of Housework"
},
{
"body": "Little johnny was going to school.\r\nIncredibly he found a genie and was given 3 wishes.\r\n\"Can I have a piece of candy?\" he said.\r\n\"Kid, I am a powerful genie ask for something else.\"\r\n\r\n\"Mmmm, ok, give me 2 pieces of candy.\"\r\n\"You think I have time for such small wishes? Don't ask for something so small.\"\r\n\r\n\"I want candy.\" \r\n\r\n\"Ok kid here you go; infinite candy.\"\r\n\"Cool, thank you.\" \r\n\r\n\"Ok whats your second wish? Kid, i don't have all day.\" \r\n\"But I still have 3 wishes..\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3240,
"title": "Hidden"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3242,
"title": "A Guy Walks Into a Pet Shop..."
},
{
"body": "What does the government have but never uses to make life simple?\r\n\r\nTheir power!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3244,
"title": "Government Power"
},
{
"body": "A man was at a bar about to drink his drink. Then, a tough looking biker came and just drank the first man's drink. The first man said \"Why did you do that? I have been having a horrible day. First, I wake up, am late for work, and get fired. Then, I come home to find my wife cheating, I get kicked out of the house, and I get beat up by a bunch of thugs. Finally, I was about to end it all by drinking that cup of poison that you drank!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 3246,
"title": "Rough Times"
},
{
"body": "Name:_________\r\n\r\n1. Finish this pattern: a,_,c,d,e,f (hint, B)\r\n\r\n2. If you are standing, what are you doing? (hint, standing)\r\n\r\n3. Finish the sentence: I am a blond______\r\n\r\n4. Explain Einstein's theory, or spell cat\r\n\r\n5. Are you writing with a pen/pencil or a tissue? (hint pen/pencil)\r\n\r\n6. Spell the word chicken",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3249,
"title": "Quiz for Blonds"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat that every time she turned around it was her birthday.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 3252,
"title": "Birthday"
},
{
"body": "1. It is the new hip thing to rot your teeth.\r\n\r\n2. They are highly non-nutritous.\r\n\r\n3. In case of weak teeth, just bite into the hard candy.\r\n\r\n4. For absolutely no good reason.\r\n\r\n5. Makes you sick so that you do not have to go to school.\r\n\r\n6. To get hyperactive so that you are not sleepy when you get out of bed.\r\n\r\n7. Because the candy is saying, \"Eat me!!!\"\r\n\r\n8. Because your tummy is growling and you think it is annoying.\r\n\r\n9. In case you got an urge to suck on something.\r\n\r\n10. Because the noises that the candy makes when it bangs against your teeth makes a relaxing sound for the mind.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3256,
"title": "10 Reasons Why You Should Eat Candy"
},
{
"body": "A man is driving down the road when he spots 2 priests on the side nailing signs into the ground. \r\n\r\nThe first sign says, \"The End is Near!!\" The man turns to look at the other mans sign and it reads, \"Turn back while you still can!\" \r\n\r\nThe man then sticks his head out his car window and yells, \"Leave everyone alone, you religious nutcases!\" as he drives by. A few seconds later the two priests hear a splash. \r\n\r\nThe first priest turns to the second and says, \"Maybe we should just put up a 'Bridge Out' sign.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3258,
"title": "The End is Near"
},
{
"body": "You are so ugly your mum has to feed you with a slingshot",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 3263,
"title": "You Are So Ugly"
},
{
"body": "Which came first - the chicken or the egg?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIt depends on who got laid first!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3264,
"title": "Chicken or Egg?"
},
{
"body": "The day after losing his wife in a diving accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.\r\n\r\n\"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.\"\r\n\r\n\"Tell me! Did you find her?\" the man cried.\r\n\r\nThe troopers looked at each other. One said, \"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?\"\r\n\r\nFearing the worse, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, \"Give me the bad news first.\"\r\n\r\nThe trooper said, \"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh no!\" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Swallowing hard, he asked, \"What's the good news?\"\r\n\r\nThe trooper continued. \"When we pulled her up she had two five-pound King crabs and a half-dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her.\"\r\n\r\nStunned, Mr.Wilkens demanded, \"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?\"\r\n\r\nThe trooper said, \"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3265,
"title": "Bad News, Good News, Great News"
},
{
"body": "Eight year old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:\r\n\r\n\"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault.\r\nShe talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.\"\r\n\r\nSally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: \"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3270,
"title": "Eight-year-old Sally..."
},
{
"body": "An elevator operator complained that he was getting tired of people asking him for the time.\r\n\r\nA friend suggested that he hang a clock in his elevator.\r\n\r\nA few weeks later, the friend inquired as to how things were going.\r\n\r\n\"Just awful!\" declared the elevator operator.\r\n\r\n\"NOW, all day long, people ask me, \"Is the clock right?\" exclaimed the elevator operator.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3271,
"title": "An Elevator Operator..."
},
{
"body": "On Halloween, a taxi-driver saw a nun standing at the side of the road. He pulled over, and asked if he could help her. The nun said she needed to get to the mission. The taxi-driver said \"I'll give you a ride for free tonight, because you don't know what kind of crazy people are running around.\" The nun agreed, thanked him, and they drove off. When they were about half-way there, the taxi-driver said to the nun \"You know sister, I've always had this fanasy about being kissed by a nun.\" The nun said \"Well, you've been so kind to me, I could do that, but only on three conditions. You have to be Catholic, single, and it can't be in public.\" The taxi-driver thought about this for a minute, then asked if an alley would work. The nun said that would be fine, so he pulled into the nearest alley. The nun crawled into the front seat and gave him a long, passionate kiss. After this, the taxi-driver smiled and drove on. A few minutes later, his smile turned to a frown, and he said \" I have a confession sister. I'm really Jewish and I'm married.\" The nun looked at him and said \"That's okay. I'm Kevin, and I'm on my way to a costume party.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3273,
"title": "Horny Steve"
},
{
"body": "A man decided he wanted a divorce from his wife of 30 years. After the divorce, they went their separate ways and never saw each other again. A number of years later, the woman died. When she was standing at St. Peter's Gate, he asked her \"How was your life?\" She replied \"It was horrible. My husband of 30 years wanted a divorce, and he took everything. I was really depressed, and I died alone in a car crash.\" St. Peter responded, \"To get into heaven, you have to spell one word.\" \"Okay, what's the word?\" \"Love\" The woman smiled and said \"L-O-V-E\" \"Very good. Welcome to heaven!\" A few months later, St. Peter approached the woman, and asked her if she could watch the gate for a few hours. The woman responded \"Sure, No problem.\" While she was watching the gate, she saw her ex-husband approaching. The woman asked him \"How has your life gone?\" The man smiled and responded, \"Well, after our divorce, I was successful in the stock market, become a millionaire, then retired early. I married a 21 year old underwear model. We had the best life, and I died in my sleep on our private beach in Hawaii.\" The woman smiled faintly, and said \"that's nice.\" The man said \"What do I have to do to get into heaven?\" \"Well, you have to spell one word.\" \"Okay, what's the word?\" The woman grinned, and said \"Czechoslovakia\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3275,
"title": "Spell What?"
},
{
"body": "You're getting old when...\r\nyour sweetie says, \"Let's go upstairs and make love,\" and you answer, \"Honey, I can't do both!\"\r\n\r\nyour friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.\r\n\r\na sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.\r\n\r\nyou don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.\r\n\r\nyou are cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of the police.\r\n\r\n\"Getting a little action\" means, \"I don't need to take any fiber today.\"\r\n\r\n\"getting lucky\" means you find your car in the parking lot.\r\n\r\nan \"all nighter\" means not getting up to pee!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3282,
"title": "You're Getting Old When..."
},
{
"body": "When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. \r\n\r\n\"Guess what, sir?\" the clerk said. \"I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!\" \r\n\r\n\"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!\" the manager asked. \r\n\r\n\"That's the one!\" \r\n\r\n\"That's great!\" the manager cried, \"I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh,\" the clerk replied, \"after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3283,
"title": "Tough Customer"
},
{
"body": "Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, \"What is your IQ?\" to which the man answers \"241.\" \r\n\r\n\"That is wonderful!,\" says Albert. \"We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!\"\r\n\r\nNext Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, \"What is your IQ?\" To which the lady answers, \"144.\" \r\n\r\n\"That is great!,\" responds Albert. \"We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!\"\r\n\r\nAlbert goes to another person and asks, \"What is your IQ?\" to which the man answers, \"51.\" \r\n\r\nAlbert responds, \"How 'bout them Cowboys?\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 3284,
"title": "\"IQ Levels\""
},
{
"body": "There was a young hooker named Gail\r\nwhose price was tattooed on her tail.\r\nAnd on her behind,\r\nfor the sake of the blind,\r\nwas the same information in Braille.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3289,
"title": "There was a Young Hooker Named Gail..."
},
{
"body": "One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.\r\n\r\nMrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Wilson, waiting for help to come.\r\n\r\nMrs. Wilson noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in again, over and over.\r\n\r\nHer curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, \"Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?\"\r\n\r\nMrs. Boudreaux said, \"Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3290,
"title": "Life Goes On"
},
{
"body": "How many ears did Davy Crockett have?\r\n\r\n3 - His right ear, his left ear, and his wild front-ear.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3292,
"title": "Davy Crockett"
},
{
"body": "Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, \"Are you ready to order, sir?\" \r\n\r\nClinton replies, \"Yes, I'd like a quickie.\" \r\n\r\n\"A quickie?!\" the waitress replies with disgust. \"Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't believe that's a good idea. I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU.\" She walks away. \r\n\r\nAl Gore leans over to Clinton and says, \"Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3293,
"title": "Bill Clinton and Al Gore..."
},
{
"body": "THINGY: \r\nfemale: Any part under a car's hood. \r\nmale: The strap fastener on a woman's bra \r\n\r\nVULNERABLE: \r\nfemale: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. \r\nmale: Playing football without a helmet. \r\n\r\nCOMMUNICATION: \r\nfemale: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. \r\nmale: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for the weekend with the boys. \r\n\r\nBUTT: \r\nfemale: The body part that \"looks bigger\" no matter what is worn. \r\nmale: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning. \r\n\r\nCOMMITMENT: \r\nfemale: A desire to get married and raise a family. \r\nmale: Trying not to pick up other women while out with the girlfriend. \r\n\r\nENTERTAINMENT: \r\nfemale: A good movie, concert, play or book. \r\nmale: Anything that can be done while drinking. \r\n\r\nFLATULENCE: \r\nfemale: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. \r\nmale: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and essential element of male bonding.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3295,
"title": "Definitions By Gender"
},
{
"body": "You've all heard of TGIF - Thank God It's Friday, right?\r\n\r\nWell my Secretary refers to Friday as POETS day...\r\n\r\nPiss Off Early, Tomorrow's Saturday....!!!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3296,
"title": "You've All Heard of TGIF..."
},
{
"body": "Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human Skulls. \r\n\r\n\"What are you doing?\" asked the American. \r\n\r\n\"Oh, I'm selling skulls\", replied the Irishman. \r\n\r\n\"And what skulls do you have?\" said Bud. \r\n\r\n\"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!\" said the Irishman. \r\n\r\n\"That's great!\" said Bud. \"Give me some names!\" \r\n\r\n\"Well!\" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. \"That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...God bless his soul..\" \r\n\r\n\"Sorry\" said Bud, \"But did you say St. Patrick?\" \r\n\r\n\"That's correct!\" said the Irishman. \r\n\r\n\"I have to have that!\" said Bud and paid him $1,650.00 in cash.\r\n \r\nBud flew back to New York and mounted St. Patricks skull on the wall in his pub. People came from all over America to view this famous skull. He made a fortune over a five year period and retired a very rich man. During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune. \r\n\r\nBud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs. \r\n\r\n\"Goodness\", said Bud, \"What are you doing?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, I'm selling skulls\", replied the Irishman. \r\n\r\n\"And what skulls do you have today?\" said Bud. \r\n\r\n\"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!\" said the Irishman. \r\n\r\n\"That's great!\" said Bud. \"Give me some names!\" \r\n\r\n\"Well!\" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. \"That one there\r\nis James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of\r\nIreland...God bless his soul..\" \r\n\r\n\"Sorry\" said Bud, \"But did you say St. Patrick?\" \r\n\r\n\"That's Correct!\" said the Irishman. \r\n\r\n\"Well!\", said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh yes!\" said the Irishman, \"I remember you now!...you see... This is St. Patrick when he was a Boy!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3297,
"title": "\"Life of Bud Nelson\""
},
{
"body": "Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test. \r\nTeacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.",
"category": "College",
"id": 3298,
"title": "Test"
},
{
"body": "Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? \r\n\r\nJose: Don't bite any.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3299,
"title": "Biting Bugs..."
},
{
"body": "Here is a short story to show you that the stodgy air traffic controllers and the flyers they serve can have a sense of humor:\r\n\r\nThe controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). \r\n\r\nThe pilot of the 727 complained, \"Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?\r\n\r\nWithout missing a beat the controller replied, \"Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3301,
"title": "Air Traffic Talk CAN Be Fun"
},
{
"body": "First guy (proudly): \"My wife's an angel!\"\r\n\r\nSecond guy: \"You're lucky, mine's still alive.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3308,
"title": "My Wife's an Angel!"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day? \r\n\r\nAlfred: I get up early.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3309,
"title": "How Can One Person Make So Many Mistakes..."
},
{
"body": "Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. \"Bill, Bill wake up.\" \r\n\r\nBill continues sleeping. Hillary shouts, \"Bill, Bill wake up.\" \r\n\r\nBill finally wakes up and says, \"What do you want?\" Hillary responds, \"I have to go use the bathroom.\" \r\n\r\nBill says, \"Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom.\" \r\n\r\nHillary says, \"No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3310,
"title": "Bill & Hillary.."
},
{
"body": "Soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with \"Clinton Soup,\" that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.\r\n\r\nChrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.\r\n\r\nWhen Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: \"I don't know, I never had one.\"\r\n\r\nAmerican Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as \"Walking Eagle\" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.\r\n\r\nClinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.\r\n\r\nClinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.\r\n\r\nRevised judicial oath: \"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3311,
"title": "Clinton Honoraries.."
},
{
"body": "Do you know the punishment for bigamy? \r\n\r\nTwo mothers-in-law.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3312,
"title": "Punishment for Bigamy"
},
{
"body": "A guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold, it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when \"poof\" a genie appeared.\r\n\r\nThis genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.\r\n\r\n\"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates,\" says the guy.\r\n\r\nThe genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp, he learned that Bill Gates was indeed, the richest man in the world.\r\n\r\n\"Guy,\" the genie said, \"You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?\"\r\n \r\n\"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's easy, Guy,\" says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.\r\n\r\nThe guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl--nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a girl magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy could not find anything that warranted using his third and last wish.\r\n \r\n\"Genie,\" the guy said, \"I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later?\"\r\n\r\n\"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, and I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready,\" and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.\r\n \r\nThe guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns on the radio to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.\r\n \r\nAfter that, he pulls off the beach and heads south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he's up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy is so happy that he begins to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.\r\n \r\n\"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener...\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3313,
"title": "A Guy was Walking Along the Beach"
},
{
"body": "An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She said to the artist, \"Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch and Rolex watch.\"\r\n \r\n\"But you aren't wearing any of those things,\" said the artist.\r\n \r\n\"I know,\" she said. \"It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3314,
"title": "An Elderly Woman..."
},
{
"body": "1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.\r\n\r\n2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.\r\n\r\n3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.\r\n\r\n4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.\r\n\r\n5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.\r\n\r\n6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the \"open here\" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.\r\n\r\n7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.\r\n\r\n8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.\r\n\r\n9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.\r\n\r\n10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3315,
"title": "10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should"
},
{
"body": "Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.\r\n \r\nOne day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, \"Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.\" Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.\r\n \r\nFinally she said, \"How soon do you need to know?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3317,
"title": "Geriatic Humor"
},
{
"body": "Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, \"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?\"\r\n \r\nMabel answered, \"I have? A suppository?\" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, \"Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3318,
"title": "Geriatic Humor II"
},
{
"body": "While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of first year medical students.\r\n\r\n\"As you can see,\" she says, \"the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" ponders the student, \"I suppose I'd limp too.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3321,
"title": "Making the Rounds"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. \r\n\r\nWilly: Me",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3323,
"title": "Name One Important Thing..."
},
{
"body": "That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man - as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts).\r\n\r\nPlease take a moment to look over the program outline.\r\n\r\nFIRST YEAR\r\n\r\nAutumn Schedule:\r\nMEN 101 Combating Stupidity\r\nMEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework\r\nMEN 103 PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut\r\nMEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas\r\n\r\nWinter Schedule:\r\nMEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques\r\nMEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 a.m.\r\nMEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception\r\nEAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook\r\nEAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II\r\nECON 001A What's Hers is Hers\r\n\r\nSpring Schedule:\r\nMEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong\r\nMEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence\r\nMEN 122 YOU: the Weaker Sex\r\nECON 001B What Was Yours is Hers\r\n\r\nSECOND YEAR\r\n\r\nAutumn Schedule:\r\nSEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It\r\nSEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower\r\nSEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex\r\nMEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down\r\nElective (See Electives Below)\r\n\r\nWinter Schedule:\r\nMEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency\r\nMEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children\r\nMEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver\r\nMEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise or Blair Underwood\r\nMEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important - 101\r\n\r\nSpring Schedule:\r\nMEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)\r\nMEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not NECESSARY\r\nMEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions\r\nMEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay\r\nMEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important - 201\r\n\r\nCourse Electives:\r\nEAT 101 Cooking with Tofu\r\nEAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils\r\nEAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly\r\nMEN 231 Mothers-in-law\r\nMEN 232 Appear to Be Listening\r\nMEN 233 Just Say, \"Yes, Dear\"\r\nECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her",
"category": "College",
"id": 3324,
"title": "Becoming a Real Man"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.\r\n\r\nOne of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" said the policeman. \"The detectives want him very badly.\"\r\n\r\nSo Little Johnny asked, \"Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3325,
"title": "Why? (Makes Sense to Me!)"
},
{
"body": "A blonde girl was at school staring at a puzzle on her desk that she could not figure out. The teacher comes by and tells her, \"You can solve it! Just use your head!\" The teacher comes back to check on the blonde and she saw her head all bruised up. The teacher said, \"What happened?!\" Then the blonde says, \"Well, you told me to use my head.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3327,
"title": "Head"
},
{
"body": "Zack and his mule were walking down the road when one of Zack's friends drove up and offered him a ride to town. Zack got into the truck while his mule ran along behind. The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55, and stayed with them as they sped up to 70.\r\n\r\n\"I'm worried about your mule,\" said the driver, \"his tongue's hanging out.\"\r\n\r\n\"Which way?\" asked Zack.\r\n\r\n\"Left,\" his friend said.\r\n\r\n\"Well, stay in this lane - he's about to pass.\" shouted Zack.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3329,
"title": "Zack and His Mule..."
},
{
"body": "Sign over a gynecologist's office:\r\n\"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.\"\r\n\r\nOn a Plumbers truck:\r\n\"We repair what your husband fixed.\"\r\n\r\nOn the trucks of a local plumbing company;\r\n\"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.\"\r\n\r\nPizza shop slogan:\r\n\"7 days without pizza makes one weak.\"\r\n\r\nAt a tire shop in Milwaukee:\r\n\"Invite us to your next blowout.\"\r\n\r\nAt a laundry shop:\r\n\"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?\"\r\n\r\nAt a towing company:\r\n\"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.\"\r\n\r\nOn an electrician's truck:\r\n\"Let us remove your shorts.\"\r\n\r\nIn a nonsmoking area:\r\n\"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.\"\r\n\r\nOn a maternity room door:\r\n\"Push. Push. Push.\"\r\n\r\nAt an optometrist's office:\r\n\"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.\"\r\n\r\nOn a taxidermist's window:\r\n\"We really know our stuff.\"\r\n\r\nIn a podiatrist's office:\r\n\"Time wounds all heels.\"\r\n\r\nOn a fence:\r\n\"Dog food is expensive. Salesmen welcome!\"\r\n\r\nAt a car dealership:\r\n\"The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.\"\r\n\r\nOutside a muffler shop:\r\n\"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.\"\r\n\r\nIn a veterinarian's waiting room:\r\n\"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!\"\r\n\r\nAt the electric company:\r\n\"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3332,
"title": "Signs of the Times"
},
{
"body": "Using the following list will most certainly keep your afternoons free and enable you to watch those cool Oprah and Sally shows. \r\n\r\nWhen filling out the job application form, under the heading 'Sex', instead of writing male or female, write in, \"Not nearly enough, but I'm trying!\" \r\n\r\nIn the same form under the heading 'Have you ever been convicted of a crime?' answer, \"Not yet.\" \r\n\r\nShow up late for the interview and try to rationalize it by saying, \"My mom forgot to wake me again.\" This is in especially bad taste if you happen to be in your forties or older. \r\n\r\nWhen meeting the interviewer for the first time, shake his hand and say: \"You look familiar. I'm sure I've seen you before somewhere. Weren't you in the cell next to mine at Sing Sing?\" \r\n\r\nTell the employer you will need a salary of at least $40k because the price of cocaine has gone up. \r\n\r\nWhen asked why you left your last job, say: \"Ah, well, my employer died under mysterious circumstances and like I told the police when they brought me in for questioning, I was home alone sleeping at the time.\" \r\n\r\nAsk the employer how close your office will be to the bathroom, explaining how you picked up a highly contagious worm while traveling abroad and now you just can't seem to get rid of it. \r\n\r\nAsk the employer what his thoughts are on recreational pot smoking in the employee's lounge. \r\n\r\nTell the employer you won't be able to start for five to ten years because you are going on a little vacation. \r\n\r\nAfter the interview, call the employer at home at 3 a.m. and ask if he/she has made a decision yet on whom to hire.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3338,
"title": "Interviewing Tips Not to Use!"
},
{
"body": "In a bi-partisan move, President Bush has nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his candidate for US Surgeon General.\r\n\r\n\"I think Dr. Lecter will serve with pride, fava beans, and a nice Chianti,\" Bush announced.\r\n\r\nIn another announcement, Special Agent Clarice Starling will become the new FBI director. She's expected to work closely with the new Surgeon General on a case concerning missing former Vice President Al Gore. President Bush had recently arranged a meeting between Gore and Lecter. \r\n\r\nLecter was the last person to see Gore before Gore's sudden disappearance in early January. Lecter noted that he, \"enjoyed having Gore for dinner,\" but was upset at how Gore, or, rather the *subject* of Gore kept \"coming up.\" \"I'm sick to my stomach over this,\" Lecter said.\r\n\r\nPresident Bush didn't seem concerned with the disappearance of his rival for the office. \"I think it's all crap by now, don't you?\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3339,
"title": "Dr. Hannibal Lecter"
},
{
"body": "Things some people learn as they \"mature.\"\r\n\r\nI've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.\r\n\r\nI've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jerks.\r\n\r\nI've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion - not proof - to destroy it.\r\n\r\nI've learned that, without a good mind, you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.\r\n\r\nI've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -they are more screwed up than you think.\r\n\r\nI've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.\r\n\r\n I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had\r\nbetter be a lot of money to take its place.\r\n\r\nI've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will.\r\n\r\nI've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.\r\n\r\nI've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.\r\n\r\nI've learned to say \"F--- 'em if they can't take a joke\" in 6 languages!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3340,
"title": "Things Learned"
},
{
"body": "Next time you start to groan at friend's pun, ask yourself: Am I just being jealous?:\r\n\r\n\"A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first.\"\r\n--Oscar Levant\r\n\r\n\"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.\"\r\n--Fred Allen\r\n\r\n\"A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.\"\r\n--G. C. Lichtenberg",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3343,
"title": "About Puns"
},
{
"body": "Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.\r\n\r\nThe first surgeon says, \"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.\"\r\n\r\nThe second responds, \"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.\"\r\n\r\nThe third surgeon says, \"No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.\"\r\n\r\nThe fourth surgeon chimes in: \"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.\"\r\n\r\nBut the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: \"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3344,
"title": "Why Politicians Make the Best Patients ?"
},
{
"body": "My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was properly equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the \"toilet\" facitilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word \"toilet\" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up the the old-fashioned term \"bathroom commode\". But after she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again and re-wrote the entire letter. This time, she referred to the bathroom commode as merely B.C. \"Does the campground have its own B.C.?\" she wrote.\r\n\r\nThe campground owner wasn't old-fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. The business about \"B.C.\" stumped him. After much thought and deliberation, he showed the letter to other campers to get their opinions, but they didn't know either. The campground owner finally decided that the woman was asking about the location of the Baptist Church, and sat down and wrote this reply:\r\n\r\n\"Dear Madam:\r\n\r\nI regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.\r\n\r\nThe last time my wife and I went was 6 years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is through no lack of desire on my end. As we grow older, it seems to take more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.\r\n\r\nRemember, this is a very friendly community.\r\n\r\nBest Regards, \r\nThe Campgound Owner\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3345,
"title": "B.C."
},
{
"body": "Before - You take my breath away.\r\nAfter - I feel like I'm suffocating.\r\n\r\nBefore - Twice a night.\r\nAfter - Twice a month.\r\n\r\nBefore - She loves the way I take control of a situation.\r\nAfter - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.\r\n\r\nBefore - Ricky & Lucy.\r\nAfter - Fred & Ethel.\r\n\r\nBefore - Saturday Night Live.\r\nAfter - Monday Night Football.\r\n\r\nBefore - He makes me feel like a million dollars.\r\nAfter - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...\r\n\r\nBefore - Don't Stop.\r\nAfter - Don't Start.\r\n\r\nBefore - The Sound of Music.\r\nAfter - The Sound of Silence.\r\n\r\nBefore - Is that all you are eating?\r\nAfter - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.\r\n\r\nBefore - Wheel of Fortune.\r\nAfter - Jeopardy.\r\n\r\nBefore - It's like living a dream.\r\nAfter - It's a nightmare.\r\n\r\nBefore - $60/dozen.\r\nAfter - $1.50/stem.\r\n\r\nBefore - Turbocharged.\r\nAfter - Needs a jump-start\r\n\r\nBefore - We agree on everything!\r\nAfter - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?\r\n\r\nBefore - Victoria's Secret.\r\nAfter - Fruit of the Loom.\r\n\r\nBefore - Feathers & handcuffs.\r\nAfter - Ball and chain.\r\n\r\nBefore - Idol.\r\nAfter - Idle.\r\n\r\nBefore - He's lost without me.\r\nAfter - Why can't he ask for directions?\r\n\r\nBefore - When together, time stands still.\r\nAfter - This relationship is going nowhere.\r\n\r\nBefore - Croissant and cappuccino.\r\nAfter - Bagels and instant coffee.\r\n\r\nBefore - Oysters.\r\nAfter - Fishsticks.\r\n\r\nBefore - I can hardly believe we found each other.\r\nAfter - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?\r\n\r\nBefore - Romeo and Juliet.\r\nAfter - Bill and Hillary.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3346,
"title": "\"BEFORE and AFTER MARRIAGE\""
},
{
"body": "1. Home is where you hang your @\r\n2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.\r\n3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.\r\n4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.\r\n5. Great groups from little icons grow.\r\n6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.\r\n7. C: is the root of all directories.\r\n8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.\r\n9. Pentium wise - pen and paper foolish.\r\n10. The modem is the message.\r\n11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.\r\n12. The geek shall inherit the earth.\r\n13. A chat has nine lives.\r\n14. Don't byte off more than you can view.\r\n15. Fax is stranger than fiction.\r\n16. What boots up must come down.\r\n17. Windows will never cease.\r\n18. In Gates we trust.\r\n19. Virtual reality is its own reward.\r\n20. Modulation in all things.\r\n21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.\r\n22. There's no place like home.com.\r\n23. Know what to expect before you connect.\r\n24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.\r\n25. Speed thrills.\r\n26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 3347,
"title": "Computer Humor"
},
{
"body": "A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.\r\n\r\nThe next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.\r\n\r\nThe third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.\r\n\r\nHe was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.\r\n\r\nThe next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.\r\n\r\nThe doctor thought for a moment and said, \"Yes, there's a nasty bug going around.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3349,
"title": "Call Terminix"
},
{
"body": "Just think, if it weren't for marriage, \r\nmen would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3353,
"title": "Just Think..."
},
{
"body": "Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression\r\n\r\nRESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID:\r\nHonk if you're Scottish\r\n\r\nHARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?:\r\nCan you drive a French motorcycle?\r\n\r\nVENI, VIPI, VICI:\r\nI came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.\r\n\r\nCOGITO EGGO SUM:\r\nI think; therefore I am a waffle.\r\n\r\nRIGOR MORRIS:\r\nThe cat is dead. \r\n\r\nQUE SERA SERF:\r\nLife is feudal.\r\n\r\nLE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI:\r\nThe king is dead. No kidding.\r\n\r\nPOSH MORTEM:\r\nDeath styles of the rich and famous.\r\n\r\nPRO BOZO PUBLICO:\r\nSupport your local clown.\r\n\r\nMONAGE A TROIS:\r\nI am three years old.\r\n\r\nHASTE CUISINE:\r\nFast French food.\r\n\r\nQUIP PRO QUO:\r\nA fast retort.\r\n\r\nALOHA OY:\r\nLove; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.\r\n\r\nMAZEL TON:\r\nTons of luck.\r\n\r\nVISA LA FRANCE:\r\nDon't leave your chateau without it.\r\n\r\nCARNE DIEM:\r\nSeize the meat",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3354,
"title": "Very Foreign Expressions"
},
{
"body": "Having been raised a Catholic and having gone to church some time in my past, I think these are still verifiable!\r\n\r\nAMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.\r\n\r\nBULLETIN: \r\n1. Parish information read only during the homily.\r\n2. Catholic air conditioning.\r\n3. Your receipt for attending Mass.\r\n\r\nCHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.\r\n\r\nHOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.\r\n\r\nHYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.\r\n\r\nRECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.\r\n\r\nINCENSE: Holy Smoke!\r\n\r\nJESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.\r\n\r\nJONAH: The original \"Jaws\" story.\r\n\r\nJUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.\r\n\r\nKYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.\r\n\r\nMAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.\r\n\r\nMANGER: \r\n1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. \r\n2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.\r\n\r\nPEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.\r\n\r\nPROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.\r\n\r\nRECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass -led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.\r\n\r\nRELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.\r\n\r\nTEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.\r\n\r\nUSHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3355,
"title": "+ The Catholic Glossary +"
},
{
"body": "Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message \"He's lying\" was placed in the copier, and the police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the \"lie detector\" was working, the suspect confessed.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3356,
"title": "Oh Give Me a Break"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.\r\n \r\nEager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.\r\n \r\nShe held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.\r\n \r\n\"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?\" the blonde asked.\r\n \r\nThe coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, \"Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.\"\r\n \r\n\"Oh good!\" the blonde sighed in relief.\r\n\r\n\"Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3358,
"title": "Out for Coffee"
},
{
"body": "There's a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A friend approaches him and asks, \"Why the long face, Ralph?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, I'm just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there's just nothing left to challenge me.\" \r\n\r\nHis friend says, \"No, you can't know everyone. Do you know Paul McCartney?\" \r\n\r\nHe says, \"Sure, Paul's an old friend of mine. Here, I'll show you.\" He goes over to a phone, dials a number. His friend overhears a British accent, \"Hey Ralph, how ya doing?\" \r\n\r\nHe talks for a while, but when Ralph hangs up, his friend is not really sure that it was Paul McCartney on the other end of the line, so he asks him if he knows the president. \r\n\r\nRalph says, \"Sure, we go way back.\" This time he lets him listen in as he calls a private number. It sounds like the president on the other end of the line, and they go into a big discussion of the current economic scene, and Ralph offers a few suggestions. Drawing the conversation to a close, Ralph wishes him well and hangs up. \r\n\r\nHis friend is a little dumbfounded at this point. \"Well, there must be someone that you don't know.\" He goes over a few more people in his mind, and thinks, 'He can't possibly know the Pope. After all, he's a Protestant.' \r\n\r\nBut Ralph claims to know him, so to convince himself otherwise, his friend decides to fly both himself and Ralph to the Vatican to get positive proof of Ralph's conviction. \r\n\r\nSo they arrive at the Vatican, and Ralph suggests that his friend wait out in the Papal square until Ralph has cleared things with the Pope. He's standing in the courtyard, when who walks out onto the balcony of the private residence, arm in arm with the Pope, but Ralph. \r\n\r\nRalph looks down, sees that his friend has apparently passed out, and runs down to see what can be done for him. \"What happened to you? Couldn't you accept the fact that I really do know the Pope?\" \r\n\r\n\"No, I'd begun to accept that possibility. But what really took my breath away was some stranger standing next to me who said, 'Who's that guy standing there with Ralph?'\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3359,
"title": "There's a Man Named Ralph..."
},
{
"body": "A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: \"Wife wanted\". \r\n\r\nNext day he received a hundred letters. \r\n\r\nThey all said the same thing: \"You can have mine.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3360,
"title": "A Man Inserted..."
},
{
"body": "\"LEARNING CHINESE\"\r\n\r\nThat's not right: Sum Ting Wong\r\n\r\nAre you harboring a fugitive?: Hu Yu Hai Ding?\r\n\r\nSee me ASAP: Kum Hia Nao\r\n\r\nStupid Man: Dum Gai\r\n\r\nSmall Horse: Tai Ni Po Ni\r\n\r\nDid you go to the beach?: Wai Yu So Tan?\r\n\r\nI bumped into a coffee table: Ai Bang Mai Ni\r\n\r\nI think you need a face lift: Chin Tu Fat\r\n\r\nIt's very dark in here: Wai So Dim?\r\n\r\nI thought you were on a diet: Mun Ching?\r\n\r\nThis is a tow away zone: No Pah King\r\n\r\nYou are not very bright: Yu So Dum\r\n\r\nI got this for free: Ai No Pei\r\n\r\nPlease stay a while longer: Wai Go Nao?\r\n\r\nStay out of sight: Lei Lo\r\n\r\nHe's cleaning his automobile: Wa Shing Ka\r\n\r\nYour body odor is offensive: Yu Stin Ki Pu",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3361,
"title": "\"LEARNING CHINESE\""
},
{
"body": "An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air; then it opened its mouth to swallow both.\r\n\r\nAs the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, \"Oh, my God! Help me!\"\r\n\r\nAt once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, \"I thought you didn't believe in Me!\"\r\n\r\n\"Come on God, give me a break!!\" the man pleaded. \"two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3362,
"title": "A True Atheist"
},
{
"body": "A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, \"I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?\"\r\n\r\nThe rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, \"I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion.\"\r\n\r\nThe rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, \"I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but...\"\r\n\r\nThe priest interjected, \"Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice.\"\r\n\r\nThe two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.\r\n\r\nThen the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, \"Better than pork, isn't it?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3363,
"title": "A Priest and a Rabbi..."
},
{
"body": "Patient: \"Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.\"\r\n\r\nDoctor: \"Tell me about your problem.\"\r\n\r\nPatient: \"I just did, you moron!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3364,
"title": "Under Pressure"
},
{
"body": "What a woman says:\r\n\r\nThis place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!\r\nYour stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes\r\nto wear if we don't do laundry right now!\r\n\r\nWhat a man hears:\r\n\r\nblah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON, blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I\r\nblah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR blah,blah,blah,blah,\r\nNO CLOTHES blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3365,
"title": "Selective Hearing"
},
{
"body": "In pharmacology, all drugs have generic names:\r\n\r\nTylenol is acetaminophen, \r\nAdvil is ibuprofen, & so on.\r\n\r\nThe FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and\r\nannounced today that they have settled on mycoxafailin.\r\n\r\nAlso considered were mycoxafloppin, mydixadrupin and mydixarizin.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3366,
"title": "Generic Equivalent"
},
{
"body": "A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said \"Today, church members, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.\"\r\n\r\nThe pastor shouted out, \"Cross.\" \r\nImmediately the congregation started singing in unison, \"The Old Rugged Cross.\"\r\n\r\nThe Pastor hollered out \"Grace.\" \r\nThe congregation began to sing, \"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound...\"\r\n\r\nThe Pastor said, \"Power.\" \r\nThe congregation sang, \"There is Power in the Blood.\"\r\n\r\nThe Pastor said, \"Sex.\" \r\nThe congregation fell in total silence; everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then, way in the back of the church, a little old grandmother stood up and began to sing,\r\n\r\n.........\"Precious Memories\".",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3367,
"title": "A Minister Decided to Do..."
},
{
"body": "A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.\r\n\r\n One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out. She motored out a short distance, anchored, and continued to read her book. \r\n \r\nAlong came a game warden in his boat. He pulled up alongside the woman and said, \" Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?\" \r\n\r\n\"Reading a book,\" she replied, (thinking \"isn't that obvious?\") \r\n\r\n\"You're in a restricted fishing area,\" he informed her. \r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.\" \r\n \r\n\"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,\" said the woman. \r\n\r\n\"But I haven't even touched you,\" said the game warden. \r\n\r\n\"That's true, but you have all the equipment.\" \r\n \r\n\r\nMORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3369,
"title": "A Fishing Story"
},
{
"body": "\"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?\" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.\r\n \r\n\"NO!\" the children all answered.\r\n \r\n\"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?\"\r\n \r\nAgain, the answer was, \"NO!\"\r\n \r\n\"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?\"\r\n \r\nAgain, they all answered, \"NO!\"\r\n \r\n\"Well,\" I continued, \"then how can I get into Heaven?\"\r\n \r\nA five-year-old boy shouted out, \"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3370,
"title": "Getting Into Heaven"
},
{
"body": "Stupid Things Said In The World Of Soccer:\r\n\r\n1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.\r\n\r\n2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.\r\n\r\n3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.\r\n\r\n4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.\r\n\r\n5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidescope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.\r\n\r\n6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.\r\n\r\n7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.\r\n\r\n8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other needs to score two to win.\r\n\r\n9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.\r\n\r\n10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3371,
"title": "Stupid Things Said in Soccer"
},
{
"body": "If the entire world was a stage and God was the director, what we need is a rehearsal.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3373,
"title": "Rehearsal"
},
{
"body": "CNN gets news that 100 blonds are killed in a\r\ntrain accident at Marylebone station. Only one blond\r\nleft alive.\r\n\r\nThe correspondent goes to her and asks, \"Miss, how did it happen?\"\r\n\r\nBlond: \"Oh don't ask about it. All were right as long\r\nas all were waiting on the platform for the train. Then came the announcement that 'The bakerloo line will arrive on platform number 2' so when everyone heard that the train is coming on the platform, everyone ran to the rails to save their lives, and the train arrived on the rails!!!\"\r\n\r\nCorrespondent: \"Thank god you thought well and didn't go to the rails\"\r\n\r\nBlond: \"Oh no, I was on the rails for committing\r\nsuicide and after the announcement I came to the\r\nplatform!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3375,
"title": "Mass Use of Brains"
},
{
"body": "A visitor from Pakistan was strolling in a park in New Delhi, India, enjoying the greenery and flowers. He needed to empty his bladder badly, but couldn't find a urinal anywhere. \r\n\r\nHe couldn't hold out any longer, and went behind a large bush. Just as he was undoing his fly buttons a policeman caught him. \"What do you think you are doing?\" asked the constable.\r\n\r\n\"I want to pee,\" replied the visitor. \"I am from Pakistan and I don't know where to go. Please help me out.\"\r\n\r\nThe constable ordered, \"OK, follow me. I'll show you a place with more greenery, flowers and bushes than this park. You can pee there as much as you like.\" He took the Pakistani to a greener and more beautiful garden where he emptied his bladder.\r\n\r\nThe Pakistani emptied his bladder, thanked the policeman and asked \"Whose garden is this, it is so beautiful?\"\r\n\r\nThe constable replied, \"This is the garden of the Pakistani High Commission.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3376,
"title": "P for Pakistan"
},
{
"body": "Love is in the Air\r\n\r\nAn elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.\r\n\r\nGetting over his initial shock he said to himself, \"Ah ze young love ...ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers, c'est magnifique!!\" and continued to watch remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, \"Mais... Sacre bleu!! Ze woman - she is dead!\" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.\r\n\r\nHe arrived, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, \"Albert...Albert, zere is zis man zis woman ...naked in farmer Gaston's field, making love.\" The police chief smiled and said, \"Come, come, Henri. You are not so old to remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay.\"\r\n\r\n\"Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman she is dead!!\" Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station, and the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:\r\n\r\n\"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Albert. I was in Gaston's field. Zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex \"\r\n\r\nPierre replied, \"Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, l'amour! Zis is very natural.\"\r\n\r\nAlbert, still out of breath gasped in reply, \"NON, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!\" Hearing this, Pierre shouted, \"Mon dieu!\" grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.\r\n\r\nUpon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, \"Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3378,
"title": "Love is in the Air"
},
{
"body": "A man was sitting in a bar, nursing a beer and looking extremely dejected. The sympathetic bartender said, \"Man, you look real down. Wanna talk about it? Sometimes it helps.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, I doubt it,\" replied the man. \"You see, I'm a composer who hasn't had much luck. It seems the world is really against me. Recently I wrote the best song I've ever written, but I can't get any music publishers interested, and I've been to them all.\"\r\n\r\nThe bartender suggested, \"Well let's hear it. Try it out on the crowd.\"\r\n\r\nThe man moves to the bar piano and proceeds to play a tune so incredibly melodious, so ethereal, that the bar turns dead quiet except for the music. Everyone is totally entranced. Goose bumps appear all over the audience and lumps rise in throats, as the music penetrates the very soul of all those present.\r\n\r\nWhen he finishes playing, all is silent for a few minutes, then the bartender remarked, \"I can't believe you can't get that published! That has to be the most beautiful piece of music I've ever heard. What's it called, anyway?\"\r\n\r\n\"I call it 'I Love You So Much That I Just Know You'll Cheat On Me, You Witch!'\" the musician replied.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 3379,
"title": "Greatest Hit"
},
{
"body": "Bread Is Dangerous\r\n\r\n1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.\r\n\r\n2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread consuming households score below average on standardized tests.\r\n\r\n3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.\r\n\r\n4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.\r\n\r\n5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.\r\n\r\n6. Bread is often a \"gateway\" food item, leading the user to \"harder\" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.\r\n\r\n7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey , bread-pudding person.\r\n\r\n8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.\r\n\r\n9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.\r\n\r\n10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3380,
"title": "Science Announcement:"
},
{
"body": "A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, \"I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day! What do you think it means?\"\r\n\r\nWith certainty in his voice, the man said, \"You'll know tonight.\"\r\n\r\nThat evening, the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, \"The Meaning of Dreams.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3382,
"title": "The Meaning of Dreams"
},
{
"body": "Why are married women heavier than single women?\r\n\r\nSingle women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.\r\n\r\nMarried women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3385,
"title": "Why are Married Women..."
},
{
"body": "Billy asked his mother, \"Can I go over to Little Johnny's house and watch the magic show?\"\r\n\r\nBilly's mother replied, \"Whatever do you mean, dear?\"\r\n\r\nHe answered, \"The one Johnny's mom performs. I heard her tell Miss Figpot that she got $600 for doing six tricks last night. That must be some kind of show!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3386,
"title": "Magic Show"
},
{
"body": "DOCTORS WERE TOLD TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE CONSTRUCTION OF A NEW HOSPITAL WING AT THE HOSPITAL. WHAT WAS THEIR REACTION? \r\n \r\n The allergists voted to scratch it. \r\n \r\n The dermatologists preferred no rash moves. \r\n \r\n The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it. \r\n \r\n The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve. \r\n \r\n The obstreticians stated they were laboring under a misconception. \r\n \r\n The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. \r\n \r\n The orthopedists issued a joint resolution. \r\n \r\n The pathologists yelled, \"over my dead body!\" \r\n \r\n The pediatricians said, \"grow up.\" \r\n \r\n The proctologists said, \"We are in arrears.\" \r\n \r\n The psychiatrists thought it was madness. \r\n \r\n The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. \r\n \r\n The radiologists could see right through it. \r\n \r\n The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow. \r\n \r\n The plastic surgeons said, \"This puts a whole new face on the matter.\" \r\n \r\n The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward. \r\n \r\n The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. \r\n \r\n The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3389,
"title": "DOCTORS WERE TOLD TO..."
},
{
"body": "Bounty - The Quicker Picker-Upper\r\nChevy Truck - Like A Rock\r\nEnergizer - It Keepsa Going And Going\r\nKFC - Finger Lickin' Good\r\nMcDonals - We Love To See You Smile\r\nM&M's - It Melts In Your Mouth, Not In Your Hands\r\nNike - Just Do It\r\nPringles - Once You Pop, You Can't Stop",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3390,
"title": "New Condoms By..."
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny was giving confession, and he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. \"Is this a sin, Father?\" he asked.\r\n \r\nThe priest nodded and said, \"Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3391,
"title": "Little Johnny was Giving Confession..."
},
{
"body": "Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake The Exorcist?\r\n \r\nThe new movie is about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3392,
"title": "Did You Hear..."
},
{
"body": "\"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it.\"\r\nSaid the lazily amorous abbot.\r\n\"Although it's more fun,\r\nTo have sex with a nun,\r\nIt's so hard to get into the habit!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3393,
"title": "Limerick"
},
{
"body": "During the church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, \"I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob.\"\r\n \r\nThe bishop rose to close the session and remarked,\r\n \r\n\"That's okay. We like big boobs.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3394,
"title": "During the Church Service..."
},
{
"body": "Q: What is black and white and green and black and white?\r\n \r\nA: Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle. \r\n\r\n\r\nQ: What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and down?\r\n\r\nA: A nun churning butter.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3395,
"title": "What Is..."
},
{
"body": "Q: What is black and white and gooey and creamy?\r\n \r\nA: A nun eating a bowl of Tapioca pudding. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nQ: What is black and white and makes a wet, sucking sound?\r\n \r\nA: A toothless, elderly nun eating a Communion wafer.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3396,
"title": "What Is..."
},
{
"body": "An adult is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.\r\n\r\nA cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.\r\n\r\nA banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.\r\n\r\nAn economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.\r\n\r\nA statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.\r\n\r\nAn actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.\r\n\r\nA programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.\r\n\r\nA mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.\r\n\r\nA topologist is a someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.\r\n\r\nA lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a \"brief.\"\r\n\r\nA psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.\r\n\r\nA professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.\r\n\r\nA consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.\r\n\r\nA committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3397,
"title": "Job Descriptions"
},
{
"body": "If two black cats walk by each other, then do they both get bad luck?\r\n\r\nDoes the more disgusting foods mean that they are healthier?\r\n\r\nWhen you get your first pair of scissors you need a pair of scissors to open the pair of scissors that you just got. So how are you going to get it open?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3399,
"title": "Unsolved Mysteries"
},
{
"body": "According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. \r\n\r\nTherefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl. \r\n\r\nWe should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3400,
"title": "According to The..."
},
{
"body": "For all you engineers (and other geniuses) who have difficulty converting units ....\r\n \r\n \r\n 1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi\r\n \r\n 2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton\r\n \r\n 3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope\r\n \r\n 4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond\r\n \r\n 5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram\r\n \r\n 6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knotfurlong\r\n \r\n 7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling\r\n \r\n 8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon\r\n \r\n 9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz\r\n \r\n 10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower\r\n \r\n 11. Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line\r\n \r\n 12. 453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake\r\n \r\n 13. 1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone\r\n \r\n 14. 2 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles\r\n \r\n 15. 365.25 days? = 1 unicycle\r\n \r\n 16. 2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds\r\n \r\n 17. 52 cards? = 1 decacards\r\n \r\n 18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton\r\n \r\n 19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen\r\n \r\n 20. 1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche\r\n \r\n 21. 1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin\r\n \r\n 22. 10 rations? = 1 decoration\r\n \r\n 23. 100 rations? = 1 C-ration\r\n \r\n 24. 2 monograms? = 1 diagram\r\n \r\n 25. 4 nickels? =1 paradigms\r\n \r\n 26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital? = 1 IV League\r\n \r\n 27. 100 Senators? = Not 1 decision",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3401,
"title": "Converting Units ...."
},
{
"body": "Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms\r\nEye Drops Off Shelf\r\nTeachers' Strike Idles Kids\r\nEnraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe\r\nPlane too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told\r\nMiners Refuse to Work After Death\r\nJuvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant\r\nStolen Painting Found by Tree\r\nKiller Sentenced to Die For Second Time in 10 Years\r\nNever Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One\r\nWar Dims Hope for Peace\r\nIf Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, it May Last a While\r\nCold Wave Linked to Temperatures\r\nRed Tape Holds up New Bridge\r\nTyphoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead\r\nMan Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge\r\nNew Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group\r\nAstronaut Takes Blame for Gas In Spacecraft\r\nKids Make Nutritious Snacks\r\nChef Throws His Heart in Helping Feed Needy\r\nArson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire\r\nBan On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood\r\nLocal High School Dropout Cuts in Half\r\nNew Vaccine May Contain Rabies\r\nHospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors\r\nTwo Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3402,
"title": "Favorite Newspaper Headlines"
},
{
"body": "9. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.\r\n8. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.\r\n7. Crying can be fun.\r\n6. Fat clothes.\r\n5. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.\r\n4. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.\r\n3. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.\r\n2. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.\r\n\r\nAnd the number one thing only women understand...\r\n1. Other women!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3403,
"title": "Top Nine Things Only Women Understand"
},
{
"body": "Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for John. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, \"Beat 12 eggs separately.\" The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.\r\n\r\nTuesday: John wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, \"Serve without dressing.\" So I didn't dress. What a surprise when John brought a friend home for supper.\r\n\r\nWednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, \"Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.\" It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.\r\n\r\nThursday: Today John asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, \"Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.\" Which is what led up to John asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.\r\n\r\nFriday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, \"Put all 20 ingredients in bowl and beat it.\" There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.\r\n\r\nSaturday: John did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (oh boy) For some reason John keeps counting to ten.\r\n\r\nSunday: John's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly, I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.\r\n\r\nGood night, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on John.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3404,
"title": "Dear Diary,"
},
{
"body": "The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.\r\n\r\n\"Howdy, stranger...\"\r\n\r\n\"Howdy, Sheriff...\" The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.\r\n\r\n\"Hold on, Mister...\"\r\n\r\n\"Sheriff?\"\r\n\r\n\"Did I just see what I think I just saw?\"\r\n\r\n\"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips...\"\r\n\r\n\"And that cures them?\"\r\n\r\n\"Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin' em.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3405,
"title": "The Old Cowhand Came Riding Into Town..."
},
{
"body": "Carol was having trouble with her computer. So she called Glenn, the computer guy, over to her desk. Glenn clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.\r\n\r\nAs he was walking away, Carol called after him, \"So, what was wrong?\" And he replied, \"It was an ID Ten T Error.\"\r\n\r\nA puzzled expression ran riot over Carol's face. \"An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??\"\r\n\r\nHe gave her a grin... \"Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?\" \"No,\" replied Carol. \"Write it down,\" he said, \"and I think you'll figure it out.\"\r\n\r\n(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 3406,
"title": "Carol was Having Trouble..."
},
{
"body": "This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, \"I'll just have the eggs Benedict.\" His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap.\r\n\r\n He asks the waiter, \"What's with the hubcap?\" \r\n\r\nThe waiter sings, \"Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3409,
"title": "Christmas Time"
},
{
"body": "A girl in around fifth grade was walking home from school. As she walking she sees a really adorable little boy walking the same way as she is. The little boy comes up to her and says,\r\n\"Can i walk home with you??\"\r\nThe little girl, being a mean snobby person says,\r\n\"Oooh, god no!! Go away ya midget!!\"\r\n\"I'll cry!!!\"\r\n* big sigh * \r\n\"Fine just don't cry!!\"\r\n\r\nWhen they get to her house she stops and tells him to go away. But he says,\r\n\"Can i come over??\"\r\n\"Ooh no!!! No munchkins allowed!!\"\r\n\"I'll cry!!\"\r\n*another big sigh*\r\n\"Fine, but only for a little bit\"\r\n\r\nIts getting late and she tells him to leave.\r\n\"Can I stay for dinner??\"\r\n\"For the last time no!!! Go away!!!\"\r\n\"I'll cry!!\"\r\n\"Fine!!\"\r\n\r\nDinner is over and she tells him to leave.\r\n\"Can i sleep over??\"\r\n\"NO!! Never!!\"\r\n\"I'll cry!!\"\r\n\"OK, fine! But you have to sleep in the living room.\"\r\n\r\nLater that night she hears a knock on the door.\r\n\"Can i sleep in your room?\"\r\n\"No way!!\"\r\n\"I'll cry!!\"\r\n\"Fine.\"\r\n\r\nLater on...\r\n\"Can i sleep in your bed?\"\r\n\"Not in a million years!!\"\r\n\"I'll cry!!\"\r\n\"If you must, but no crying!!\"\r\n\r\nEven later...\r\n\"Can I stick my finger in your bellybutton??\"\r\nShe shoots strait up in her bed!\r\n\"No you freak!!!\"\r\n\"I'll cry!!\"\r\n\"Fine!\"\r\nA beat.\r\n\"Hey thats not my belly button!!\"\r\n\"Suprise, suprise thats not my finger!!!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 3411,
"title": "I'll Cry!!!"
},
{
"body": "ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?\r\nCOSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.\r\nABBOTT: Mac?\r\nCOSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.\r\nABBOTT: Your computer?\r\nCOSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.\r\nABBOTT: Mac?\r\nCOSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.\r\nABBOTT: What about Windows?\r\nCOSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?\r\nABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?\r\nCOSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?\r\nABBOTT: Wallpaper.\r\n\r\nCOSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.\r\nABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?\r\nCOSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?\r\nABBOTT: Office.\r\nCOSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?\r\nABBOTT: I just did.\r\nCOSTELLO: You just did what?\r\nABBOTT: Recommend something.\r\nCOSTELLO: You recommended something?\r\nABBOTT: Yes.\r\nCOSTELLO: For my office?\r\nABBOTT: Yes.\r\nCOSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?\r\nABBOTT: Office.\r\nCOSTELLO: Yes, for my office.\r\nABBOTT: Office for Windows.\r\n\r\nCOSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?\r\nABBOTT: Word.\r\nCOSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?\r\nABBOTT: Word.\r\nCOSTELLO: What word?\r\nABBOTT: The Word in Office.\r\nCOSTELLO: The only word in \"office\" is \"office.\"\r\nABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.\r\nCOSTELLO: Which word in \"office for windows\"?\r\nABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.\r\n\r\nCOSTELLO: I'm going to click your big blue W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?\r\nABBOTT: RealOne.\r\nCOSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?\r\nABBOTT: RealOne.\r\nCOSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three, and four. Can I watch reel four?\r\nABBOTT: Of course.\r\nCOSTELLO: Great! With what?\r\nABBOTT: RealOne.\r\n\r\nCOSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?\r\nABBOTT: You click the blue 1.\r\nCOSTELLO: I click the blue one what?\r\nABBOTT: The blue 1.\r\nCOSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?\r\nABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.\r\nCOSTELLO: What word?\r\nABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.\r\nCOSTELLO: But there are three words in \"office for windows\"!\r\nABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.\r\nCOSTELLO: It is?\r\nABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.\r\nCOSTELLO: And that word is the real one?\r\nABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.\r\n\r\nCOSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?\r\nABBOTT: Money.\r\nCOSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?\r\nABBOTT: Money.\r\nCOSTELLO: I need money to track my money?\r\nABBOTT: Money.\r\nCOSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?\r\nABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.\r\nCOSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?\r\nABBOTT: Just one copy.\r\nCOSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?\r\nABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.\r\nCOSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?\r\nABBOTT: Why not? They own it.\r\n\r\nCOSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?\r\nABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.\r\nCOSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?\r\nABBOTT: Money.\r\nCOSTELLO: You sell money?\r\nABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.\r\n\r\nCOSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?\r\nABBOTT: Simply Accounting.\r\nCOSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.\r\nABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.\r\nCOSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?\r\nABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.\r\nCOSTELLO: I beg your pardon?\r\nABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.\r\n\r\nCOSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know - accounting? You do it with money.\r\nABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.\r\nCOSTELLO: More money?\r\nABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.\r\n\r\nCOSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might . . . what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?\r\nABBOTT: GoBack.\r\nCOSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?\r\nABBOTT: GoBack.\r\nCOSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?\r\nABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.\r\n\r\nCOSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?\r\nABBOTT: Word.\r\nCOSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.\r\nABBOTT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in Office for Windows.\r\nCOSTELLO: But there's three words in . . . Oh, never mind. *click*\r\n\r\nABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 3413,
"title": "Abbott and Costello's \"Who's On First...\" Meets the 21"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting, on the seventh day. He inquired of God,\r\n\r\n\"Where have you been?\"\r\n\r\nGod sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, \" Look, Michael. Look what I've made.\"\r\n\r\nArchangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, \"What is it?\"\r\n\r\n\"It's a planet,\" replied God, \"and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.\"\r\n\r\n\"Balance?\" inquired Michael, still confused.\r\n\r\nGod explained, pointing to different parts of earth. \"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor - over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.\" God continued pointing to different countries...\"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.\"\r\n\r\nThe Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, \"What's that one?\"\r\n\r\n\"Ah,\" said God. \"That's Alaska, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests - the people from Alaska are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world - as diplomats, and carriers of peace ....\"\r\n\r\nMichael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, \"What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!\"\r\n\r\nGod smiled, \"Wait until you see the idiots I put in Juneau.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3414,
"title": "Once Upon a Time..."
},
{
"body": "A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. \r\n\r\nOne afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. \r\n\r\nThe doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, \"This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!\" \"No, I'm sorry,\" replied the bartender, \"it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3415,
"title": "Its a Habit"
},
{
"body": "A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. \r\n\r\nThe lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3416,
"title": "Lion Story"
},
{
"body": "The newspaper obituary operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, \"How much do funeral notices cost?\"\r\n\r\n\"Five dollars per word, ma'am,\" came the response.\r\n\r\n\"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, ma'am.\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay, write this: 'Cohen died.' \"\r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry, ma'am, I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum.\"\r\n\r\n\"Hmmph,\" came the reply. \"You certainly did forget to tell me that.\" After a moment of silence, the woman continued, \"Got your pencil and paper?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, ma'am.\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay, print this: 'Cohen died. Cadillac for sale.' \"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3417,
"title": "Economy"
},
{
"body": "Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.\r\n\r\nThe first question was, \"Without using numbers, represent the number 9.\"\r\n\r\nBoudreaux says, \"Dat's easy\" and proceeds to draw three trees.\r\n\r\nThe boss says, \"What in the world is that?\"\r\n\r\nBoudreaux says, \"Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine.\"\r\n\r\n\"Fair enough\" says the boss. \"Second questions, same rules, but represent 99\".\r\n\r\nBoudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.\r\n\r\n\"Der ya go sir,\" he says.\r\n\r\nThe boss scratches his head and asks, \"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?\"\r\n\r\nBoudreaux answers, \"Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99.\"\r\n\r\nThe boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, \"All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100.\"\r\n\r\nBoudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, \"I got it!\" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, \"Der ya go sir - 100.\"\r\n\r\nThe boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, \"Ha! got him this time.\" He then tells Boudreaux, \"Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100.\"\r\n\r\nBoudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, \"A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3419,
"title": "When Do I Start My Job?"
},
{
"body": "A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner, Dr. Jones and the steward, Jack who managed to swim to the closest island.\r\n\r\nAfter reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. Dr. Jones on the other hand was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.\r\n\r\n\"Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones, how can you be so calm?\" cried Jack. \"We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here.\"\r\n\r\n\"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Jack.\" began the confident Dr. Jones.\r\n\r\n\"Five years ago, I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to my church. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, I did very well in the stock market, so I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year, business was good, so the two charities each got a million dollars.\" stated Dr. Jones.\r\n\r\n\"So what?\" shouted Jack.\r\n\r\n\"Well, it's time for their annual fundraising drives, and I know they're going to find me!\" smiled Dr. Jones.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3420,
"title": "A Hurricane Blew Across the Caribbean..."
},
{
"body": "10. She wants her own intern.\r\n 9. She wants to complete her china and silver collection.\r\n 8. Brother-in-law Roger needs another pardon.\r\n 7. She wants to lease the Lincoln Bedroom to Marc Rich.\r\n 6. She wants to rename Camp David to Camp Denise.\r\n 5. She wants to pick up the rest of the furniture.\r\n 4. She wants to return to public housing.\r\n 3. She wants the top floor of the Trump Tower when she leaves.\r\n 2. She misses her hairdresser.\r\n 1. Bill needs a pardon.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3422,
"title": "The Top 10 Reasons Why Hillary Wants to be President:"
},
{
"body": "There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.\r\n\r\nAn angel hears his plea and appears to him. \"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you.\" The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.\r\n\r\nThe man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.\r\n\r\nSoon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, \"Hold on, you can't bring that in here!\"\r\n\r\nBut, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, \"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through.\"\r\n\r\nSt. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, \"You brought pavement?!!!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3423,
"title": "Bring Riches With You"
},
{
"body": "Why can't blondes put in lightbubs? \r\n\r\nBecause they keep breaking them with hammers.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 3425,
"title": "Blonde Light"
},
{
"body": "1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.\r\n\r\n2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.\r\n\r\n3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crosswords.\r\n\r\n4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.\r\n\r\n5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.\r\n\r\n6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.\r\n\r\n7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.\r\n\r\n8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.?\r\n\r\n9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.\r\n\r\n10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.\r\n\r\n11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3426,
"title": "Newspapers"
},
{
"body": "A man comes into the ER and yells, \"My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!\" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.\r\n**\r\nAt the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. \"Big breaths,\" I instructed. \"Yes, they used to be,\" remorsed the patient.\r\n**\r\nI was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, \"Cover your right eye with your hand.\" He read the 20/20 line perfectly. \"Now your left.\" Again, a flawless read. \"Now both,\" I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.\r\n**\r\nDuring a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. \"Which one?\" asked the doctor. \"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!\" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.\r\n**\r\nWhile acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, \"How long have you been bedridden?\" After a look of complete confusion she answered.... ....\"Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.\"\r\n**\r\nI was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, \"So how's your breakfast this morning?\" \"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,\" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled \"KY Jelly.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3427,
"title": "Doctor Stories: Truth Defeats Fiction"
},
{
"body": "A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, \"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped.\"\r\n\r\nHis buddy said, \"I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled.\"\r\n\r\nSo the fellow did.\r\n\r\nThe next day his buddy asked, \"Well? Did you take my suggestion?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I did,\" said the fellow.\r\n\r\n\"...And did she like it?\" His buddy asked.\r\n\r\n\"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour!' She should be back any time now...\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3428,
"title": "Gift of Freedom?"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a handcuffed man?\r\nTrustworthy.\r\n\r\nWhat does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?\r\nYou didn't hold the pillow down long enough.\r\n\r\nWhy do only 10% of men make it to heaven?\r\nBecause if they all went, it would be Hell.\r\n\r\nWhy do men like smart women?\r\nOpposites attract.\r\n\r\nHow are husbands like lawn mowers?\r\nThey're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.\r\n\r\nHow do men define a \"50/50\" relationship?\r\nWe cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.\r\n\r\nHow do men exercise on the beach?\r\nBy sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.\r\n\r\nHow do you get a man to stop biting his nails?\r\nMake him wear shoes.\r\n\r\nHow does a man show he's planning for the future?\r\nHe buys two cases of beer instead of one.\r\n\r\nHow many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\nONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.\r\n\r\nWhat did God say after creating man?\r\nI can do so much better.\r\n\r\nWhat's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?\r\nTelling you his real name.\r\n\r\nWhat's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?\r\nPut the remote control between his toes.\r\n\r\nWhat's the smartest thing a man can say?\r\n\"My wife says...\"\r\n\r\nWhy are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?\r\nSo men can understand them.\r\n\r\nWhy did God create man before woman?\r\nBecause you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.\r\n\r\nWhy do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?\r\nTo stop the snoring before it starts.\r\n\r\nWhy do jocks play on artificial turf?\r\nTo keep them from grazing.\r\n\r\nWhy do men need instant replay on TV sports?\r\nBecause after 30 seconds they forget what happened.\r\n\r\nWhy does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?\r\nBecause not one will stop and ask for directions.\r\n\r\nWhy is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?\r\nWhen it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3429,
"title": "Let's Pick on Men"
},
{
"body": "Why don't women blink during foreplay?\r\n\r\nThey don't have time.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3430,
"title": "Why Don't Women..."
},
{
"body": "What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?\r\n\r\nA widow.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3431,
"title": "What Do You Call a Woman..."
},
{
"body": "Remember this story when they start getting frustrated:\r\n\r\nMy three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly.\r\n\r\nOne day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said \"No.\"\r\n\r\nI kept thinking, \"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me.\" Then I said, \"Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?\" \"No,\" he replied. I just knew that he must have had, cause the smell was getting worse. So.........I asked one more time, \"Matt, did you have an accident?\"\r\n\r\nThis time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled......... \"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!\"\r\n\r\nWhile 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.\r\n\r\nI was mortified......... but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3432,
"title": "Have You Ever Asked Your Child a Question Too Many Times?"
},
{
"body": "AT LAST SOMEONE SUMMED IT UP...\r\n\r\nThe nice men are ugly.\r\nThe handsome men are not nice.\r\nThe handsome and nice men are gay.\r\nThe handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.\r\nThe men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.\r\nThe men which are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.\r\nThe handsome men without money are after our money.\r\nThe handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.\r\nThe men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.\r\nThe men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!\r\nThe men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.\r\n\r\nNOW... WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3434,
"title": "WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?"
},
{
"body": "Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. \r\n\r\n\"Please Lord,\" he implored, \"let it be blood!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3435,
"title": "IRISH PRAYER"
},
{
"body": "If love is blind is then why is lingerie so popular?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3438,
"title": "Another Question..."
},
{
"body": "What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane?\r\n\r\nSkeet",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 3439,
"title": "Skydiving Lawyers"
},
{
"body": "McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. \r\n\r\n\"S'cuse me,\" said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, \"what was that all about?\" \r\n\r\n\"Nothin',\" said the Irishman. \"My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3440,
"title": "IRISH SHOPPING"
},
{
"body": "An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. \r\n\r\nHe says, \"Sir, have you been drinking?\" \r\n\r\n\"Just water,\" says the priest. \r\n\r\nThe trooper says, \"Then why do I smell wine?\" \r\n\r\nThe priest looks at the bottle and says, \"Good Lord! He's done it again!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3442,
"title": "WATER TO WINE"
},
{
"body": "The man told his doctor that he just wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, \"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English... What's wrong with me?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, in plain English,\" the doctor replied, \"you're simply a lazy old fart.\"\r\n\r\n\"Thank you for your candor,\" said the man. \"Now give me the medical term, so I have something to tell my wife!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3444,
"title": "I Can Take It..."
},
{
"body": "Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, \"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.\r\n\r\n\"I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!\"\r\n\r\nHis buddy looks at him and says, \"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' She always acts like she's sound asleep!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3445,
"title": "Change of Approach"
},
{
"body": "A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, \"I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip.\"\r\n\r\nThe usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the will call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, \"Follow me.\"\r\n\r\nThe usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.\r\n\r\n\"Thanks so much.\" says the theatergoer, \"This seat is perfect.\" He then hands the usher a quarter for a tip.\r\n\r\nThe usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, \"The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3447,
"title": "A Mystery-lover..."
},
{
"body": "According to the Knight-Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: \"Wash. Biol. Surv.\" until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:\r\n\r\n\"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.\"\r\n\r\nThe bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3448,
"title": "Bird Cookin'"
},
{
"body": "When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy.\r\n\r\nWhen a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him.\r\n\r\nBut when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3449,
"title": "When a Teenage Girl Smiles..."
},
{
"body": "An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.\r\n\r\nHe decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.\r\n\r\nAs they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.\r\n\r\nThe friend saw everything but did not say a single word.\r\n\r\nOn the drive home the hunter asked his friend, \"Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?\"\r\n\r\n\"I sure did,\" responded his friend. \"He can't swim.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3452,
"title": "The Pessimist"
},
{
"body": "The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, \"Chief, is this coming winter going to be mild or cold?\"\r\n\r\nNot really knowing an answer, and knowing it was better to err on the side of caution, the chief replied, \"It is uncertain at this time, but we should begin to prepare just in case. Collect wood as if it is going to be cold, and I'll see what more I can learn.\"\r\n\r\nBeing a good leader, he then went to the phone and called the National Weather Service and asked, \"Is this winter going to be mild or cold?\"\r\n\r\nThe man on the phone responded, \"This winter was going to be quite cold indeed.\"\r\n\r\nSo the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later, he again called the National Weather Service again, \"Is it going to be a cold winter?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" the man replied, \"it's going to be an extremely cold winter. The Indians are collecting all the wood they can find!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3453,
"title": "To the Source"
},
{
"body": "A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three-year-old boy began in all seriousness: \"Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3454,
"title": "Prayers"
},
{
"body": "And another four-year-old prayed: \"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3455,
"title": "More Prayers"
},
{
"body": "Pilot: \"Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct!\"\r\n\r\nTower: \"Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, who art in heaven...'\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3456,
"title": "In Flight Emergency"
},
{
"body": "A guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, \"I'd like some Polish sausage.\"\r\n\r\nThe clerk looks at him and says, \"Are you Polish?\"\r\n\r\nThe guy, clearly offended, says, \"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??\"\r\n\r\nThe clerk says \"Well, no...\"\r\n\r\nWith deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, \"Well, alright then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?\"\r\n\r\nThe clerk says \"Because this is a hardware store.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3457,
"title": "Polish Sausage"
},
{
"body": "Take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners:\r\n\r\nSarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.\r\n\r\nGiraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.\r\n\r\nForeploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.\r\n\r\nOsteopornosis: A degenerate disease.\r\n\r\nKarmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.\r\n\r\nGlibido: All talk and no action.\r\n\r\nDopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.\r\n\r\nIntaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3458,
"title": "More All New Words"
},
{
"body": "A little girl asked her father, \"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?\"\r\n\r\nHe replied, \"No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise'.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3459,
"title": "Fairy Tales"
},
{
"body": "A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years; and then they could only say two words.\r\n\r\nThe first seven years passed and they went into a small room. His two words were \"too cold\".\r\n\r\nThe next seven years passed and they took him back into the small room and his two words were \"bad food\".\r\n\r\nThe next seven years passed they took him back into the small room and his two words were \"I quit\".\r\n\r\n\"Good,\" they said, \"all you have done is complain.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3460,
"title": "Two Words"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?\r\n\r\nA northern fairy tale begins with, \"Once upon a time...\"\r\n\r\nA southern fairy tale begins, \"'Y'all ain't gonna believe this...\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3463,
"title": "North & South"
},
{
"body": "This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field. \"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, \"Because it is an ocean of wheat.\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. \"It is dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again. \r\n\r\nThe blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at blonde in the field yelling, \"If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your tail!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3465,
"title": "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
},
{
"body": "Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.\r\n\r\nThe next morning, the two priests went to the beach, dressed in their \"tourist\" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a \"drop dead\" gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare but when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, \"Good morning, Father; good morning, Father,\" nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned - how in the world did she recognize them as priests?\r\n\r\nThe next day, the two priests went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them, and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.\r\n\r\nAfter a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: \"Good morning, Father; good morning, Father,\" and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, \"Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know; how in the world did YOU know?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3466,
"title": "Two Priests Were Going to Hawaii..."
},
{
"body": "St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates and says, \"Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard so many good things about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been giving an entrance quiz for everyone. The tests are short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.\"\r\n\r\nForest responds, \"It sure is good to be here, St Peter. I was looking forward to this. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.\r\n \r\nSt. Peter goes on, \"I know, Forest, but the test has only three questions:\r\n 1)What days of the week begin with the letter T?\r\n 2)How many seconds are there in a year?\r\n 3)What is God's first name?\"\r\n\r\nForest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, \"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.\"\r\n\r\nForest says, \"Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T?' Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.\"\r\n\r\nThe Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, \"Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though and guess I didn't specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one: \"How many seconds in a year?\"\"\r\n\r\n\"Now that one's harder\" says Forest, \"but I thought and thought about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.\"\r\n\r\nAstounded, St. Peter says, \"Twelve? Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?\"\r\n\r\nForest says, \"Aw, come on, St. Peter, there's gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second...\"\r\n\r\n\"Hold it!\" interrupts St. Peter, \"I see where you're going with it. I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too.\"\r\n\r\n\"Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?\"\r\n\r\nForest replies, \"Andy.\"\r\n \r\nSt. Peter then asks how in the world he came up with the name Andy.\r\n\r\nForest replies, \"You know, St. Peter, that song we sing in Sunday School: \"Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own....\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3467,
"title": "Forest Gump Dies and Goes to Heaven"
},
{
"body": "- When Cupid shoots his arrow, I hope he Mrs. you. \r\n\r\n-If I were a head of lettuce, I'd cut myself in two. I'd give a leaf to everyone, but save the heart for you. \r\n\r\n-Can't write, too dumb; inspiration won't come. Bad ink, no pen; that's all, amen. \r\n\r\n-My love for you will never fail...as long as a pig has a curly tail. \r\n\r\n-I eat my peas with honey. I've done it all my life. It makes my peas taste funny, but it keeps them on my knife. \r\n\r\n-My love for you shall always shine, like bedbugs dipped in turpentine. \r\n\r\n-Twinkle, twinkle, little star, powder puff and cold cream jar; Toni wave and lipstick too, will make a beauty out of you. \r\n\r\n-I hope you sit on the tack of success and rise rapidly.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3468,
"title": "Silly Sayings"
},
{
"body": "How are men and parking spots alike?\r\n\r\nGood ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely short.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3469,
"title": "How are Men..."
},
{
"body": "TOP 10 SLOGANS BEING CONSIDERED BY VIAGRA\r\n\r\n 10. Viagra, It's \"Whaazzzzz Up!\"\r\n 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper\r\n 8. Viagra, Like a rock!\r\n 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.\r\n 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.\r\n 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.\r\n 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!\r\n 3. Viagra, Tastes great!......... More filling!\r\n 2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!\r\n\r\n And the number one slogan, being considered by Viagra:\r\n 1. This is your penis.........This is your penis on drugs.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3471,
"title": "TOP 10 SLOGANS..."
},
{
"body": "The angry preacher...\r\n\r\nThe preacher rose with a red face. \"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!\"\r\n\r\nNo one moved.\r\n\r\nThe preacher continued, \"Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!\"\r\n\r\nAgain all was quiet.\r\n\r\nSlowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.\r\n\r\n\"Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding.\r\nI never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.\r\nI told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3473,
"title": "Preacher"
},
{
"body": "The Tearful Bride...\r\n\r\nA new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.\r\nShe sobs, \"Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him.\"\r\n\r\n\"Now, now,\" her mother comforted, \"I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.\"\r\n\r\n\"No, mother,\" you don't understand.\r\n\"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!\" says her mom.\r\n\"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.\"\r\n\r\n\"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.\"\r\n\"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -\r\n'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3474,
"title": "Bride"
},
{
"body": "The phone call...\r\n\r\nA married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.\r\n\r\nThe wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, \"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!\" and hung up.\r\n\r\nCurious, the husband said, \"Who was that?\"\r\n\r\nAnd his lovely wife replies, \"I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know \"if the coast is clear.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3475,
"title": "Phone Call"
},
{
"body": "A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. \r\nHer mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, \"Honey, are you feeling all right?\"\r\n\r\n\"Not really,\" the blonde replied. \"I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train.\"\r\n\r\n\"Poor dear,\" Mom said. \"Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?\"\r\n\r\n\"I couldn't,\" she replied, \"there was no one there.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3477,
"title": "Sick Blonde"
},
{
"body": "An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.\r\nThe doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.\r\nThis, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.\r\n\r\nThe blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.\r\n\r\nShe phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:\r\n\r\n\"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3478,
"title": "Miracle"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -\r\n\"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?\"\r\n\r\nThe officer replied, \"Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there.\" She thanked the officer and he drives off.\r\n\r\nThree hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,\r\nsure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.\r\n\r\nThe officer got out of his car and said, \"Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde replied, \"Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...\r\nThe 45th bus just went by!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3479,
"title": "The Bus"
},
{
"body": "A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.\r\n\r\n\"Would you mind telling me, Doctor,\" she asked, \"how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?\"\r\n\r\n\"That's easy,\" he replied. \"You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.\"\r\n\r\n\"What sort of question would you ask Doctor?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, you might ask them...\"\r\n\"Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.\r\nWhich one?\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh -\r\n\"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?\"\r\n\"I must confess I don't know much about history.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3480,
"title": "History"
},
{
"body": "Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.\r\nWhen a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: \"Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?\"\r\n\r\nThe bus driver shakes his head and says, \"No, I'm sorry.\"\r\n\r\nHearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters:\r\n\"Will it take ME?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3481,
"title": "Bus"
},
{
"body": "The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes:\r\n\"Parking for drive-through customers only!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3482,
"title": "Drive Through"
},
{
"body": "A blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.\r\n\r\nDoctor: What was your dream about?\r\nBlonde: I was being chase by a vampire!\r\n\r\nDoctor: (giggles quitely) So... what was the scenery like?\r\nBlonde: I was running in a hall way.\r\n\r\nDoctor: Then what happened?\r\n\r\nBlonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always came to this door, but I couldn't open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!\r\n\r\nDoctor: Did the door have any letters on it?\r\nBlonde: Yes it did.\r\n\r\nDoctor: And what did these letter spell?\r\nBlonde: It said \"Pull\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3483,
"title": "Pull"
},
{
"body": "1. Never take a beer to a job interview.\r\n2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.\r\n3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.\r\n4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.\r\n5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.\r\n\r\nENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME\r\n1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.\r\n2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.\r\n\r\nPERSONAL HYGIENE\r\n1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.\r\n2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.\r\n3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.\r\n4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.\r\n\r\nDATING (Outside the Family)\r\n1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.\r\n2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: \"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.\"\r\n3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected. Some will say 10:00 pm. Others might say \"Monday\"; if the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.\r\n\r\nTHEATER ETIQUETTE\r\n1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.\r\n2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.\r\n\r\nWEDDINGS\r\n1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.\r\n2. In the reception line, kissing the bride for more than 3 seconds may get you shot.\r\n3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.\r\n\r\nDRIVING ETIQUETTE\r\n1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in your sights.\r\n2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.\r\n3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.\r\n4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.\r\n5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 3484,
"title": "THE REDNECK'S BOOK OF ETIQUETTE"
},
{
"body": "Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. \"Show the lady your finest mink!\" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.\r\n\r\nAs the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, \"Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.\" \"No problem! I'll write you a check!\" \"Very good, sir,\" says the shop owner. \"Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared.\"\r\n\r\nSo Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: \"How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!\"\r\n\r\n\"I just had to come by,\" grinned Sam, \"to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3485,
"title": "Furrier"
},
{
"body": "Top Ten signs your co-worker is a computer hacker\r\n\r\n10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.\r\n9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.\r\n8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.\r\n7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.\r\n6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.\r\n5. Mumbled, \"Oh, puh-leeez\" 95 times during the movie \"The Net.\"\r\n4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.\r\n3. His video dating profile lists \"public-key encryption\" among hobbies.\r\n2. When his computer starts up, you hear, \"Good Morning, Mr. President.\"\r\n1. You hear him murmur, \"Let's see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 3486,
"title": "Top Ten Signs..."
},
{
"body": "A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. \"Were these dishes ever washed?\" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.\r\n\r\nShe replied, \"They're as clean as Soap and Water could get them.\"\r\n\r\nHe felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. The meal was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.\r\n\r\nWhen dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and called, \"Here Soap! Here Water!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3489,
"title": "Soap and Water"
},
{
"body": "The zoology teacher asked a small boy to make a sentence using the word \"possum.\"\r\n\r\nHe answered, \"Maw got horny and gave possum.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3490,
"title": "The Zoology Teacher ..."
},
{
"body": "Remember, old folks are worth a fortune; they have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.\r\n\r\nYou're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so long as you don't have to go along too.\r\n\r\nYou're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3491,
"title": "Getting Old"
},
{
"body": "Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.\r\n\r\nThe drug is called Gingko Viagra, and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3492,
"title": "Yesterday, I Heard ..."
},
{
"body": "When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was very very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.\r\n\r\n\"Tarzan not know sex,\" he replied.\r\n\r\nJane explained to him what sex was.\r\n\r\nTarzan said, \"Oh, Tarzan use soft hole in tree trunk.\"\r\n\r\nHorrified, she said, \"Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.\" She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. \"Here,\" she said, \"you must put it in here.\"\r\n\r\nTarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer to get a better look, got an enormous erection and gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.\r\n\r\nJane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, \"What did you do that for?\"\r\n\r\nTarzan replied, \"Tarzan always check for squirrels!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3493,
"title": "Tarzan"
},
{
"body": "There once was a man from Hybernia,\r\nWho Rhymed himself into a hernia.\r\nHe became adept\r\nAt this practice except\r\nFor occasional anti-climaxes.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3494,
"title": "Limerick"
},
{
"body": "What is a plant's favorite school year?\r\n\r\nKinderGARDEN!!!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3496,
"title": "Planting an Education"
},
{
"body": "What did the lunch lady say to the boiled egg?\r\n\r\nYou're in hot water now!!!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3497,
"title": "Egg Fun"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: \"Why does an elephant have a trunk?\"\r\n\r\nStudent: \"Because it doesn't have a glove compartment!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3498,
"title": "Elephant"
},
{
"body": "A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back, there are still stains in her panties.\r\n\r\nThe next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman that says, \"Use more soap on panties.\"\r\n\r\nThis goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. \"Use more soap on panties.\"\r\n\r\nFinally, fed up, the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, \"Use more paper on ass.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3501,
"title": "Laundry Woes"
},
{
"body": "A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, \"Your first job will be to sweep the entire store.\"\r\n\r\n\"But I'm a college graduate,\" the young man replied indignantly.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that,\" said the manager. \"Here, give me the broom. Let me show you how.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 3502,
"title": "Over Qualified"
},
{
"body": "Q: Should I have a baby after 35?\r\nA: No, generally 35 children are enough.\r\n\r\nQ: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?\r\nA: With any luck, right after he finishes college.\r\n\r\nQ: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?\r\nA: If it's the flu, you'll get better.\r\n\r\nQ: What is the most common pregnancy craving?\r\nA: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.\r\n\r\nQ: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?\r\nA: Childbirth.\r\n\r\nQ: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?\r\nA: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.\r\n\r\nQ: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.\r\nA: So what's your question?\r\n\r\nQ: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?\r\nA: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).\r\n\r\nQ: How long is the average woman in labor?\r\nA: Whatever she says divided by two.\r\n\r\nQ: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?\r\nA: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.\r\n\r\nQ: When is the best time to get an epidermal?\r\nA: Right after you find out you're pregnant.\r\n\r\nQ: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?\r\nA: Not unless the word \"alimony\" means anything to you.\r\n\r\nQ: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?\r\nA: Yes, pregnancy.\r\n\r\nQ: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?\r\nA: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.\r\n\r\nQ: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?\r\nA: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.\r\n\r\nQ: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?\r\nA: When you see teeth marks.\r\n\r\nQ: Do I have to have a baby shower?\r\nA: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.\r\n\r\nQ: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?\r\nA: When the kids are in college.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3503,
"title": "Parental FAQ"
},
{
"body": "So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot.\r\n\r\nThis continued until he put up the following sign: \r\n\r\n\"This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3506,
"title": "The Wizard"
},
{
"body": "A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. \"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry,\" the woman said. \"Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way.\"\r\n\r\nThe dentist was quite impressed. \"You're certainly a courageous woman,\" he said. \"Which tooth is it?\" \r\n\r\nThe woman turned to her husband and said, \"Show him your tooth, dear.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3507,
"title": "Joined at the Tooth..."
},
{
"body": "for all of you with any money left .........\r\n\r\nIn the wake of the Exxon/Mobile deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2004:\r\n\r\n1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.\r\n\r\n2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.\r\n\r\n3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.\r\n\r\n4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.\r\n\r\n5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.\r\n\r\n6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.\r\n\r\n7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.\r\n\r\n8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!\r\n\r\nThat's all for now.....invest wisely!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3510,
"title": "Investment Tips for 2004...."
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.\r\n\r\nHear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.\r\n\r\nHow do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.\r\n\r\nWhat did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? \"Dam.\"\r\n\r\nWhat do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.\r\n\r\nWhat is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an \"A\" bra.\r\n\r\nWhere do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.\r\n\r\nWhere do you get virgin wool from? Ugly, fast sheep.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3512,
"title": "Did You Hear About..."
},
{
"body": "For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.\r\n\r\nDinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.\r\n\r\nDog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.\r\n\r\nWe do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.\r\n\r\nFor Rent: 6-room hated apartment.\r\n\r\nAuto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again.\r\n\r\nIlliterate? Write today for free help.\r\n\r\nGreat Dames for sale.\r\n\r\nMt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.\r\n\r\nGet rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.\r\n\r\nStock up and save. Limit: one.\r\n\r\nSave regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.\r\n\r\nFor Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.\r\n\r\nUsed Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!\r\n\r\nWanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.\r\n\r\n3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.\r\n\r\nOur experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.\r\n\r\nWanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.\r\n\r\nMother's helper--peasant working conditions.\r\n\r\nSemi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.\r\n\r\nAnd now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.\r\n\r\nWe will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3513,
"title": "Adds Shoud Bee Proof-Read..."
},
{
"body": "A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.\r\nThe mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.\r\n\r\nThe mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, \"Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?\"\r\n\r\nThe mother replies, \"Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work.\"\r\n\r\nThe cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, \"Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!\"\r\n\r\nA brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, \"Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?\"\r\n\r\nThe mother replies, \"Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3514,
"title": "Cabby Candor"
},
{
"body": "A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. \"This year,\" she says, \"I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me.\" The daughter protests, \"But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this.\"\r\n\r\n\"Don't worry honey,\" says the mother, \"your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3516,
"title": "Fur Me"
},
{
"body": "It was Joe the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.\r\n\r\nWhen he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him his way with a tidy gift envelope.\r\n\r\nAt the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.\r\n\r\nThe folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.\r\n\r\nAt the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced. When they had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.\r\n\r\nWhen he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.\r\n\r\nAs she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.\r\n\r\n\"All this was just too wonderful for words,\" he said, \"but what's the dollar for?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" she said, \"last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, \"Screw him. Give him a dollar.\"\r\n\r\n\"The breakfast was my idea!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3517,
"title": "Breakfast"
},
{
"body": "FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG\r\n\r\n1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer\r\n\r\n2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15\r\n\r\nTICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1993 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800\r\n\r\nCOWS, NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.\r\n\r\n83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000\r\n\r\nGERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.\r\n\r\nFREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.\r\n\r\nFOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50\r\n\r\nNORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE\r\n\r\nNICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3518,
"title": "Classified Ads in Newspapers:"
},
{
"body": "A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet street he chose happened to be one of the city's most popular jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.\r\n\r\n\"Yes?\"\r\n\r\n\"Excuse me, sir,\" the jogger said, \"do you have the time?\" The man looked at the car clock and answered, \"7:15.\" The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.\r\n\r\n\"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?\"\r\n\r\n\"7:25!\"\r\n\r\nThe jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, \"I do not know the time!\" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.\r\n\r\n\"Sir, sir? It's 7:45!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3519,
"title": "Tired Out!"
},
{
"body": "A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully.\r\n\r\nThe local news heralded, . . .\r\n\r\n\"St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3521,
"title": "Pipe Organ"
},
{
"body": "Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.\r\n \r\nJoe wrote, \"The office workers should all be given raises!\"\r\n \r\nWhen he looked at Frank's card, it said \"Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday?\"\r\n \r\nJoe said, \"Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here - you shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3524,
"title": "Suggestion Box"
},
{
"body": "Tom, the fisherman, wrote the following to a mail order catalogue, \"Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check.\"\r\n\r\nA few days later, Tom received the following reply, \"Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3525,
"title": "Tom, the Fisherman,..."
},
{
"body": "Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.\r\n\r\nBut the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.\r\n\r\n\"Madam,\" he explained, \"this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, okay,\" agreed Mrs. Hunter, \"I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 3526,
"title": "Called to Serve"
},
{
"body": "Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.\r\n\r\nHe asked the store manager, \"Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yep, that's him,\" he replied.\r\n\r\nThe stranger couldn't help but be amused.\r\n\r\n\"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because,\" the owner replied, \"before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3527,
"title": "Big Bad Dog"
},
{
"body": "A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. \"In 1942,\" he says, \"the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember,\" he continues, \"one day I was protecting our bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.\r\n\r\nAt this point, several of the children giggle.\r\n\r\n\"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me.\"\r\n\r\nAt hearing the pilot go on, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, \"I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company\"\r\n\r\n\"That's true,\" says the pilot, \"but these nazi fokkers were flying Messerschmidts.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3528,
"title": "You Say Potato..."
},
{
"body": "Viagra now available in liquid form. FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug Viagra in a new, easy-to-take liquid form. It is sold under the name \"Mydixadrill.\" \r\n\r\nNow when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a stiff one.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3529,
"title": "Viagra Now Available..."
},
{
"body": "Stalking into a police station late one night, a man demands to speak to the burglar who broke into his house.\r\n\r\n\"Sorry, that's against the law,\" says the desk sergeant.\r\n\r\n\"You don't get it,\" says the man. \"I need to know how he got in without waking my wife.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3531,
"title": "You Don't Get it"
},
{
"body": "#1 rule of a redneck-\r\nIf duck tape don't fix it (doubt it), mount it on the wall instead.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 3532,
"title": "Duck Tape"
},
{
"body": "'Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving, \r\nBut I Just Couldn't Sleep\r\nI Tried Counting Backwards, \r\nI Tried Counting Sheep.\r\n\r\nThe Leftovers Beckoned - \r\nThe Dark Meat And White\r\nBut I Fought The Temptation \r\nWith All Of My Might\r\n\r\nTossing And Turning \r\nWith Anticipation\r\nThe Thought Of A Snack \r\nBecame Infatuation.\r\n\r\nSo, I Raced To The Kitchen, \r\nFlung Open The Door\r\nAnd Gazed At The Fridge, \r\nFull Of Goodies Galore.\r\n\r\nI Gobbled Up Turkey \r\nAnd Buttered Potatoes,\r\nPickles And Carrots, \r\nBeans And Tomatoes.\r\n\r\nI Felt Myself Swelling ! \r\nSo Plump And So Round,\r\n'til All Of A Sudden, \r\nI Rose Off The Ground.\r\n\r\nI Crashed Through The Ceiling, \r\nFloating Into The Sky\r\nWith A Mouthful Of Pudding \r\nAnd A Handful Of Pie.\r\n\r\nBut, I Managed To Yell \r\nAs I Soared Past The Trees....\r\nHappy Eating To All - \r\nPass The Cranberries, Please.\r\n\r\nMay Your Stuffing Be Tasty, \r\nMay Your Turkey Be Plump.\r\nMay Your Potatoes 'n Gravy \r\nHave Nary A Lump,\r\nMay Your Yams Be Delicious \r\nMay Your Pies Take The Prize,\r\nMay Your Thanksgiving Dinner \r\nStay Off Of Your Thighs.\r\n\r\nHappy Thanksgiving To All!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3534,
"title": "Happy Thanksgiving To All!!!"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a bar wearing a pair of jumper cables around his neck. \r\n\r\nThe bartender looks at him and says, \"Hey buddy, don't try to start anything...\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3535,
"title": "A Guy Walks Into a Bar..."
},
{
"body": "These two fleas are sitting in Florida. One is shivering like crazy, saying \"that has got to be the coldest ride I have ever had in my life!\"\r\n\r\n\"How did you get here?\" asks the other flea.\r\n\r\n\"I was in the moustache of some guy riding his motorcycle down the freeway.\" \r\n\r\n\"That is no way to travel to Florida\" says the flea.\"Here is what you do. Go to the airport and find a lounge. Have a sip of someone's drink so you are relaxed. Find a really pretty girl and crawl up her leg and under her dress.G o inside her panties and you will find a nice warm place to curl up and fall asleep. The next thing you know,you are in Florida!! Remember that for next time.We will get together next year and you can tell me how it went!\"\r\n\r\nThe following year, the two fleas are back in Florida and the first\r\none is shivering like crazy. \"That is the coldest f*%#in' ride to\r\nFlorida I have had in my life!!!\" \r\n\r\n\"What happened to the advice I gave you last year?\" \r\n\r\n\"I did everything you told me to do!! I went to the airport and found the lounge. I had a sip of someone's drink and I was good and relaxed. I saw this gorgeous girl so I crawled up her leg and under her dress. I went into her panties and found this warm, furry place to curl up and fall asleep. The next thing I knew, I was in the moustache of some guy riding his motorcycle down the freeway!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3536,
"title": "These Two Fleas..."
},
{
"body": "A woman was missing her boyfriend, so she decided to write him the following brief letter:\r\n\r\nDear Anthony,\r\n\r\nI've been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool... nobody can take your place. I love you.\r\n\r\nAll my love,\r\nKathy\r\nxoxo\r\n\r\nP.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery...",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3537,
"title": "The Letter"
},
{
"body": "The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3538,
"title": "Exercise"
},
{
"body": "Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, called his wife by many endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.\r\n\r\nBernie looked at Morris and remarked, \"That is really nice. After all these years, you still call your wife those pet names.\"\r\n\r\nMorris hung his head and whispered, \"To tell the truth, I forgot her name years ago.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3539,
"title": "What's Her Name"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the football game with the 0-0 score?\r\n\r\n\r\nNever mind, it's pointless.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3540,
"title": "Did You Hear..."
},
{
"body": "With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.\r\n\r\nHere are a few of the new ones:\r\n\r\nDIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.\r\n\r\nPROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.\r\n\r\nCOMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.\r\n\r\nBUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.\r\n\r\nNEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.\r\n\r\nNEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.\r\n\r\nFLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.\r\n\r\nFLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.\r\n\r\nPRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into \"special prosecutors.\"\r\n\r\nLIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3541,
"title": "NEW DRUGS FOR MEN"
},
{
"body": "Henry goes to confession and says, \"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women.\"\r\n\r\nThe priest says, \"Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.\"\r\n\r\n\"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" replies the priest. \"But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3542,
"title": "Henry Goes to Confession..."
},
{
"body": "This man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and the bar tender asks him,\r\n\"What's your newt's name?\"\r\nand the man replies,\r\n\"Tiny\"\r\nand the bar tender says,\r\n\"Why is he called Tiny?\"\r\nand the man replies,\r\n\"Because he is minute.\" \r\n\r\n(minute means small)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3547,
"title": "A Man Walks Into a Bar With a Newt on His Shoulder"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat that when she sits around the house, she dosen't just sit around the house, she sits around the whole neighborhood.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 3548,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "\"Knock-Knock\"\r\n\"Who's there?\"\r\n\"Boo\"\r\n\"Boo who?\"\r\n\"Why are you crying?\"",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 3550,
"title": "Boo"
},
{
"body": "There were three babys - a blond, a redhead, and a brunet. They were fighting over who's mommy had the best bra. \r\n\r\nThe first baby says \"My mom has a foam bra.\"\r\n\r\nThe second says \"My mom has gel straps.\"\r\n\r\nThe blond baby says \"Well, the tag on my moms bra says double D.\" \r\n\r\nThe blond won the fight.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3554,
"title": "Baby Bra"
},
{
"body": "After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head & stormed into their room, putting\r\nthem back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, \"Who was that?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3563,
"title": "Who was That?"
},
{
"body": "After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: \r\n\r\n\"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. \r\n\r\n\"You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention. \r\n\r\n\"My contract requires me to work on my own time after school and evenings grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense, working toward advance certification and a Master's degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training. I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration. \r\n\r\n\"You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school. I am to make sure all students pass the state mandatory exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card. \r\n\r\n\"All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, and a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! \r\n\r\n\"You want me to do all of this and you expect me NOT TO PRAY?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3564,
"title": "Teachers"
},
{
"body": "The female skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo)... \r\n\r\nThe famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. \r\n\r\nShe is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, \r\n\r\n\"Picabo, ICU\".",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3565,
"title": "Peek-A-Boo"
},
{
"body": "A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside: \r\n\r\nThe Pastor said to him, \"You need to join the Army of the Lord!\" \r\n\r\nMy friend replied, \"I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.\" \r\n\r\nPastor questioned, \"How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?\" \r\n\r\nHe whispered back, \"I'm in the secret service.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3566,
"title": "Secret Service"
},
{
"body": "The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious constitutional reason.\r\n \r\nThey simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.\r\n \r\nThere was, however, no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3567,
"title": "NOTICE:"
},
{
"body": "I shall seek and find you,\r\nI shall take you to bed and have my way with you,\r\nI will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan.\r\nI will make you beg for mercy, you will beg for me to stop.\r\nI will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.\r\n You will be weak for days.\r\nYou have been warned, my love, by...\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nTHE FLU!!\r\nNow get your mind out of the gutter and go get a flu shot.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3568,
"title": "Now Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter...."
},
{
"body": "It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.\r\n\r\n\"Hello?\" I said.\r\n\r\nA girl's voice came over the line. \"Can I speak to Ben, please?\"\r\n\r\nI live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.\r\n\r\nI replied, \"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?\"\r\n\r\n\"Do you know what time he'll be back?\" she responded.\r\n\r\n\"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00.\"\r\n\r\nSilence on the other end... a confused silence.\r\n\r\n\"Is this Steve?\"\r\n\r\nMy name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.\r\n\r\nSo I replied, \"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him,\" she said in a slightly irritated voice.\r\n\r\nI replied, \"Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.\"\r\n\r\nA shocked voice now: \"Who's Karen?!\"\r\n\r\n\"The girl he went out with.\"\r\n\r\n\"I know that! I mean... who is she?\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.\"\r\n\r\nShe was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. \"I sure will. Is this Jennifer?\"\r\n\r\nShe exploded, \"Who's Jennifer?\"\r\n\r\nApparently she wasn't Jennifer. Good guess though...\r\n\r\n\"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake.\"\r\n\r\n\"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home.\"\r\n\r\nI smiled and said, \"Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this...\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3569,
"title": "Boys Will Be Boys"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on \"Science & Nature.\" Her question was, \"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?\" \r\n\r\nShe thought for a time and then asked, \"Is it on or off?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3572,
"title": "A Blonde was Playing..."
},
{
"body": "What's the best form of birth control after 50?\r\n \r\n\r\nNudity.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3573,
"title": "What's the Best Form..."
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?\r\n \r\n\r\n45 lbs.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3574,
"title": "What's the Difference..."
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?\r\n \r\n\r\n45 minutes.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3575,
"title": "What's the Difference..."
},
{
"body": "Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair. She loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed in the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her. Some of the male residents even joined in.\r\n\r\nOne day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. \"STOP,\" he shouted in a firm voice. \"Have you got a license for that thing?\" Ethel fished around in her handbag, pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. Okay,\" he said. And away Ethel sped down the hall.\r\n\r\nAs she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, \"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance for that vehicle?\" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Seemingly satisfied, Harold nodded and said, \"Carry on, ma'am.\"\r\n\r\nAs Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand. \"Oh, GOD,\" said Ethel. \"Not the breathalyzer again!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3578,
"title": "Ethel was a Bit of a Demon..."
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?\r\n \r\nAfter a year, the dog is still excited to see you.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3579,
"title": "What's the Difference..."
},
{
"body": "What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?\r\n \r\nThe same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3580,
"title": "What Makes Men Chase..."
},
{
"body": "Why does the bride always wear white?\r\n \r\n\r\nBecause it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3581,
"title": "Why Does the Bride..."
},
{
"body": "Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?\r\n \r\n\r\nBecause they have cotton balls.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3583,
"title": "Why Don't Bunnies..."
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?\r\n \r\n\r\nBeer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3584,
"title": "What's the Difference..."
},
{
"body": "A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.\r\n\r\nHe went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.\r\n\r\nThe psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.\r\n\r\nSuddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, \"Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3587,
"title": "Professionals Know Best"
},
{
"body": "During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: \"Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?\" The hubby replied: \"Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3588,
"title": "The Happiest Hour"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice \"13.......13.......13.........13\" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3589,
"title": "13......13........13"
},
{
"body": "Your so ugly you remind me of an elephants bottom.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 3590,
"title": "You So Ugly"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?\r\n\r\nOne says \"Ribbit ribbit\" and the other says \"Rubbit rubbit\".",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3596,
"title": "What's the Difference..."
},
{
"body": "A kindergarden teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog.\r\n\r\nShe inquired as to whether it was dead or alive.\r\n\r\n\"Dead,\" she was informed.\r\n\r\n\"How do you know?\" she asked.\r\n\r\n\"Because I pissed in his ear,\" said the child innocently.\r\n\r\n\"You did WHAT?\" squealed the teacher in surprise.\r\n\r\n\"You know,\" explained the boy,\r\n\r\n\"I leaned over and went 'Pssst'. He didn't move!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3598,
"title": "Ribbet"
},
{
"body": "Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country.\r\n\r\nBill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, \"Earthquake!\" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.\r\n\r\nAl Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again, before the order was given Al yelled out, \"Tornado!\" Again, the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.\r\n\r\nThe last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, \"I see the pattern here; just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall\". He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction, he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, \"Fire!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3599,
"title": "Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush..."
},
{
"body": "A man was driving up the interstate late one night when he was amazed to see a weird creature overtake him at a great speed. He accelerated in an attempt to catch up with it, but the creature was far too quick for him and he dimly saw it run off the highway on an exit. The driver followed, only to see it jump over a hedge and disappear into some woods. Nearby stood a farmhouse; the driver stopped his car, walked up to the door and knocked.\r\n\r\nThe driver apologized to the farmer for bothering him and asked him about the creature. \"Oh yes,\" said the farmer, \"that's one of my specially bred three-legged chickens. I bred them so that when we have roast chicken for dinner, my wife, my son and myself can have a chicken leg each.\"\r\n\r\n\"Really?\" asked the man. \"That's amazing! How do they taste?\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't know,\" replied the farmer. \"I haven't been able to catch one yet.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3600,
"title": "A Man was Driving..."
},
{
"body": "A group of managers was given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. They got their ladders and tape measures and went out to the flagpole. However, the measurement job turned out to be much more difficult than any of them had expected, with some of them falling off the ladders, some dropping their tape measures and so on, and the whole thing had just turned into a big disaster.\r\n\r\nAfter a while, an engineer happened to walk by and saw what the managers were attempting to do. She walked over, pulled the flagpole out of the ground, and laid it flat on the ground. She measured it from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers and then walked away without saying a word.\r\n\r\nAfter the engineer was out of sight, one manager turned to another and laughed as he shook his head. \"Now that's just like an engineer! We're looking for the height and she gives us the length!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3601,
"title": "A Group of Managers..."
},
{
"body": "A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, \"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.\"\r\n\r\nHis son asked, \"What happened to the flea?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3602,
"title": "Childlike"
},
{
"body": "A man goes to his doctor and says, \"I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor replies, \"Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.\"\r\n\r\nThe man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, \"What's for dinner, honey?\"\r\n\r\nHe gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.\r\n\r\nStill no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.\r\n\r\nFinally he stands directly behind her and says, \"Honey, what's for dinner?\"\r\n\r\nShe replies, \"For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3603,
"title": "Hearing Aid"
},
{
"body": "Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the \"in-flight safety lecture\" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:\r\n\r\n1. From a southwest airlines employee: \"there may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.\"\r\n\r\n2. Pilot: \"folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.\"\r\n\r\n3. After landing: \"thank you for flying delta business express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.\"\r\n\r\n4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: \"whoa, big fella. Whoa!\"\r\n\r\n5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a northwest flight announced: \"please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.\"\r\n\r\n6. From a southwest airlines employee: \"welcome aboard southwest flight xxx to yyy. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.\"\r\n\r\n7. \"weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and, remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest airlines.\"\r\n\r\n8. \"your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.\"\r\n\r\n9. \"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. But please do not leave children or spouses.\"\r\n\r\n10. \"last one off the plane must clean it.\"\r\n\r\n11. From the pilot during his welcome message: \"we are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.\"\r\n\r\n12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the pa and announced, \"ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!\"\r\n\r\n13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less-than-perfect landing: \"we ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.\"\r\n\r\n14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, \"thanks for flying xyz airline.\" he said that in light of the bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, \"sonny, did we land or were we shot down?\"\r\n\r\n15. After a real crusher of a landing in phoenix, the flight attendant got on the pa and said, \"ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.\"\r\n\r\n16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: \"we'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3605,
"title": "In-Flight Humor"
},
{
"body": "1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.\r\n\r\n2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, \"Am I my brother's son?\"\r\n\r\n3. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.\r\n\r\n4. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.\r\n\r\n5. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.\r\n\r\n6. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.\r\n\r\n7. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.\r\n\r\n8. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.\r\n\r\n9. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.\r\n\r\n10. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.\r\n\r\n11. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin,and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, \"A horse divided against itself cannot stand.\". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.\r\n\r\n12. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.\r\n\r\n13. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.\r\n\r\n14. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.\r\n\r\n15. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.\r\n\r\n16. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West\r\n\r\n17. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.\r\n\r\n18. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.\r\n\r\n19. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.\r\n\r\nYou would have thought that people doing there GCSE's would have better gnilleps (that spelling spelt backwards) P.S. these are meant to have spelling mistakes, its how they were really wrote by someone.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3607,
"title": "This is a REAL Compilation of GCSE Results!"
},
{
"body": "On the first day of their Honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. \r\n\r\nWhen she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, \"Because it's Lent.\" \r\n\r\nAlmost in tears, she remarked, \"Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3608,
"title": "On the First Day..."
},
{
"body": "So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.\r\n\r\nGod Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.\r\n\r\nMy Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.\r\n\r\nPrincess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.\r\n\r\nCoffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some Things Are Just Better Rich.\r\n\r\nDon't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen\r\n\r\nWarning: I Have An Attitude And I Know How To Use It.\r\n\r\nOf Course I Don't Look Busy...I Did It Right The First Time.\r\n\r\nDo Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win.\r\n\r\nSorry If I Looked Interested. I'm Not.\r\n\r\nIf You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3609,
"title": "Ladies' Bumper Stickers"
},
{
"body": "Three guys go into a bar: a guy from Dallas, a guy from San Francisco, and a guy from Boulder. They drank and got a little rowdy. Suddenly, completely without warning, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, unscrewed the top, took a good swig, and threw the bottle into the air. He then jerked a Colt .45 pistol out of his pocket and shot the bottle, spraying tequila all over everything and everybody.\r\n\r\nThe patrons at the bar shouted, \"Hey, bud, why'd you waste that tequila?\"\r\n\r\nThe Texan said, \"Heck, it's just tequila. Us Texans go across the border all the time and get all the tequila we want.\"\r\n\r\nNot to be outdone, the Californian whipped out a corkscrew and uncorked a bottle of wine. He poured some into a glass, swirled it, sniffed, commented on the tart insolence of its bouquet, sipped, tossed the bottle in the air, nicked it with a round from a silly little chrome-plated pistol, and showered a couple of patrons at the bar with wine.\r\n\r\nThe patrons, upset by the casual waste and general lack of concern for their safety, expressed their displeasure and astonishment, to which the Californian replied, \"Well, I'm from Napa Valley, and we have more than enough wine where I come from.\"\r\n\r\nThe Boulderite, a quiet observer up to this point, touched the crystal hanging from his neck, adjusted his Birkenstocks, flipped back his ponytail, put down his guitar, and borrowed a bottle opener from the bartender. He popped the top off a bottle of Fat Tire beer, hammered it back, threw the empty bottle into the air, pulled a 9mm Beretta, took careful aim, shot both the Californian and the Texan, and caught the falling bottle.\r\n\r\nThe patrons screamed in utter disbelief, \"Why'd you do that?\"\r\n\r\nThe Boulderite replied, \"I'm from Colorado. We've already got too many Texans and way too many Californians, but glass bottles, now those can be recycled!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3610,
"title": "Tequila Waste"
},
{
"body": "The perfect man is gentle\r\nNever cruel or mean\r\nHe has a handsome smile\r\nAnd keeps his car so clean.\r\nThe perfect man likes children\r\nAnd will raise them by your side\r\nHe will be a good father\r\nA good husband to his bride.\r\nThe perfect man loves cooking\r\nCleaning and vacuuming too\r\nHe'll do anything in his power\r\nTo convey his feelings to you.\r\nThe perfect man is sweet\r\nWriting poetry from your name\r\nHe's a best friend to your mother\r\nAnd kisses away your pain.\r\nHe never has made you cry\r\nOr hurt you in any way\r\nOh, fuck this stupid poem\r\nThe perfect man is gay.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3611,
"title": "THE PERFECT MAN"
},
{
"body": "Dear Abby:\r\n\r\nA couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?\r\n\r\nDear Abby:\r\n\r\nWhat can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?\r\n\r\nDear Abby:\r\n\r\nI have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.\r\n\r\nDear Abby:\r\n\r\nI am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.\r\n\r\nDear Abby:\r\n\r\nI suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.\r\n\r\nDear Abby:\r\n\r\nOur son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a Good Christian home turn against his own?\r\n\r\nDear Abby:\r\n\r\nMy forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $60 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.\r\n\r\nDear Abby:\r\n\r\nDo you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he did it.\r\n\r\nDear Abby:\r\n\r\nMy mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.\r\n\r\nDear Abby:\r\n\r\nYou told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3613,
"title": "Even \"Dear Abby\" is Stumped"
},
{
"body": "Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.\r\n\r\n\"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,\" he stated.\r\n\r\n\"Why yes,\" she replied, \"every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, $2,000 a week.\"\r\n\r\n\"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?\"\r\n\r\n\"He is a veterinarian,\" she answered.\r\n\r\n\"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3614,
"title": "Innocent Giving"
},
{
"body": "A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band.\r\n \r\nFinally, the captain said, \"Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3615,
"title": "Learn To Keep Time"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, \"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?\"\r\n\r\nJohnny's father replied, \"Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3616,
"title": "Hard Questions"
},
{
"body": "A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.\r\n\r\n\"Here is the situation,\" she said. \"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?\"\r\n\r\nA girl raised her hand and asked, \"To draw out all his savings?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3617,
"title": "Lesson in Logic"
},
{
"body": "A cannibal took his young son for a walk in the jungle. They came across a beautiful, naked girl lying asleep on the ground. The boy got excited and said, \"Let's eat her now, Dad!\"\r\n\r\nBut the father said, \"No, I have a better idea. Let's bring her home and eat your mother.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3621,
"title": "Cannibal Family"
},
{
"body": "A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, \"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you.\"\r\n\r\n\"I know,\" said the man, \"but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone...\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3623,
"title": "A Man Went to the Doctor..."
},
{
"body": "The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians. (Courtesy of Richard Lederer, Ph.D.\"Fractured English.\")\r\n\r\n- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.\r\n\r\n- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.\r\n\r\n- The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.\r\n\r\n- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.\r\n\r\n- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.\r\n\r\n- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.\r\n\r\n- I will be happy to go into her GI system. She seems ready and anxious.\r\n\r\n- Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.\r\n\r\n- I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.\r\n\r\n- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.\r\n\r\n- Discharge status: Alive but without permission.\r\n\r\n- The patient will need disposition, therefore Dr. Blank will dispose of him.\r\n\r\n- Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.\r\n\r\n- The patient refused an autopsy.\r\n\r\n- The patient has no past history of suicides.\r\n\r\n- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.\r\n\r\n- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.\r\n\r\n- Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.\r\n\r\n- The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.\r\n\r\n- She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.\r\n\r\n- The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.\r\n\r\n- The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3624,
"title": "Doctor Doodles"
},
{
"body": "An Italian doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. \"But how will I let you know the baby is born?\" she asked.\r\n\r\nHe replied, \"Just send me a postcard and write \"spaghetti\" on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses.\"\r\n\r\nNot knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.\r\n\r\nSix months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, \"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor said, \"Just wait until I get home, I will explain it to you.\" Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack.\r\n\r\nParamedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.\r\n\r\nHe asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read:\r\n\r\n\"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.\r\n\r\n\"Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3625,
"title": "An Italian Doctor was Having..."
},
{
"body": "Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, \"Tony, would you go next door and see how Old Mrs. Pierpoint is?\"\r\n\r\nA few minutes later, Tony returned.\r\n\r\n\"Well, is she all right?\" asked the mother.\r\n\r\n\"She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you,\" remarked Tony.\r\n\r\n\"At me?\" the mother exclaimed. \"Whatever for?\"\r\n\r\nTony replied, \"Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3626,
"title": "Innocent Inquiry"
},
{
"body": "Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:\r\n\r\n- The future of \"I give\" is \"I take.\"\r\n\r\n- The parts of speech are lungs and air.\r\n\r\n- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.\r\n\r\n- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.\r\n\r\n- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.\r\n\r\n- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.\r\n\r\n- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.\r\n\r\n- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.\r\n\r\n- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.\r\n\r\n- The climate is hottest next to the creator.\r\n\r\n- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.\r\n\r\n- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.\r\n\r\n- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3627,
"title": "Kids Say the Darndest Things..."
},
{
"body": "In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizeable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, \"Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are week, dumb, cantankerous...or what?\"\r\n\r\n\"Not at all, Ma'am,\" the manager replied. \"It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3628,
"title": "Male Married Factory Employees Only"
},
{
"body": "The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, \"You know, you're really a lousy lover!\"\r\n\r\nThe husband replies, \"How would you know after only 30 seconds?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3629,
"title": "The Morning After Their Honeymoon..."
},
{
"body": "A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.\r\n\r\nEmbarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her \"Do you by any chance have today's paper?\"\r\n\r\nThe lady looked at him and said \"No, but the next time we pass by a tree, I'll grab you a handful of leaves.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 3632,
"title": "Leaves"
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,\" the wife explained. \"He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.\"\r\n\r\n\"He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3633,
"title": "Communication"
},
{
"body": "Joe's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Denise agreed to marry him.\r\n\r\nAfter three months of married life, Joe noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him, she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!\r\n\r\nWhenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.\r\n\r\n\"Denise\" he said, \"was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died?\"\r\n\r\n\"Don't be ridiculous,\" she replied, \"I don't care who gave you the money!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3634,
"title": "Money"
},
{
"body": "At a wedding rehearsal, the pastor told the father of the bride, \"As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him.\"\r\n\r\nThe father, a department store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed his daughter's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, \"No deposit, no return.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3635,
"title": "Wedding Rehearsal"
},
{
"body": "Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.\r\n\r\nThe Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.\r\n\r\nThe Frenchmen requests a Fillet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.\r\n\r\nThe Newf requests a plate of strawberries.\r\n\r\n\"STRAWBERRIES ????\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, Strawberries.\"\r\n\r\nHe is told, \"But they are out of season!\"\r\n\r\n\"So, I'll wait.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3636,
"title": "Last Request"
},
{
"body": "There once was this kid named Oddy,\r\nHe always missed the Potty,\r\nHe went some poops,\r\nand shouted out oops,\r\nBecause Oddy Missed the Potty",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 3638,
"title": "Oddy"
},
{
"body": "What did the number 0 say to the number 8?\r\n\r\n\"Hey, nice belt!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3640,
"title": "What Did..."
},
{
"body": "The Perfect Breakfast:\r\nYou're sitting at the table and:\r\nyour son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties....\r\nyour mistress is on the cover of Playboy ... \r\nand your wife is on the back of the milk carton...",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3641,
"title": "The Perfect Breakfast..."
},
{
"body": "Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:\r\n\r\nManslaughter!\r\n\r\nLater, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.\r\n\r\n\"Boy, did I!\" said the juror. \"They kept voting to acquit!",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 3642,
"title": "Murphy, a Dishonest Lawyer..."
},
{
"body": "A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately tore each other's clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock.\r\n\r\n\"Quick!\" she said to the man, \"it's my husband! You've got to get out of here quick!\"\r\n\r\n\"Where's the back door?\" the man asked as he grabbed his clothes.\r\n\r\n\"There isn't one,\" she replied.\r\n\r\n\"Where would you like one?\" he asked.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3644,
"title": "Catering"
},
{
"body": "A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.\r\n\r\n\"Oh my,\" said the writer. \"Let me see heaven now.\"\r\n\r\nA few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.\r\n\r\n\"Wait a minute!\" said the writer, \"this is just as bad as hell.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh no, it's not,\" replied an unseen voice. \"Here, your work gets published.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3645,
"title": "Expression"
},
{
"body": "When Abraham Liebowitz got to school, he discovered that he was the only Jewish kid in the class, but it's a decent town and nobody really bothered him.\r\n\r\nOne day, the teacher asked the class, \"Who was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?\" To make it interesting, she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said, \"Whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars.\"\r\n\r\nAll of the kids called out their guesses.\r\n\r\nOne said, \"George Washington, because he was the father of our country.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's excellent,\" said the teacher.\r\n\r\nAnother said, \"Abraham Lincoln, because he freed the slaves.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's also good,\" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow the reply of 'excellent,' but still being polite.\r\n\r\nOne little girl said, \"Joan of Arc, because she saved France.\"\r\n\r\n\"Another excellent choice,\" said the teacher.\r\n\r\nThen Abraham Liebowitz raised his hand, so the teacher called on him. \"Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?\"\r\n\r\nAbraham said, \"Jesus Christ.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher was shocked. \"Abraham,\" she said \"I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars,\" and she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.\r\n\r\nAt recess, the teacher was still very impressed, so she asked Abraham why he said Jesus: \r\n\r\nAbraham said, \"Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but business is business!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3646,
"title": "The Business of Greatness"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnnie was late for class, and when he saw that the door was already closed, he opened it and went into the classroom tentatively. He very quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his seat hoping not to get the teacher after him.\r\n\r\nThis upset the teacher, who said him, \"Johnnie, is this how your father would have come in - late and sneaking to his seat? Go out and try it again, and get it right this time!\"\r\n\r\nSo, Little Johnnie left the room and shut the door behind him quietly, as he'd come in. Then a moment later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the carpet with his foot and said, \r\n\r\n\"So Honey, didn't expect ME, did ya?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3647,
"title": "Conduct Proper"
},
{
"body": "A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Texan on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.\r\n\r\n\"Last night I made love to my wife four times,\" the Frenchman bragged, \"and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.\"\r\n\r\n\"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,\" the Italian responded, \"and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.\"\r\n\r\nWhen the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, \"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?\"\r\n\r\n\"Once,\" he replied.\r\n\r\n\"Only once?\" the Italian arrogantly snorted. \"And what did she say to you this morning?\"\r\n\r\n\"Don't stop.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3648,
"title": "Understatement"
},
{
"body": "You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one---a real SWEET POTATO whom they called \"YAM\".\r\n \r\nThey wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.\r\n \r\nShe said not to worry------no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.\r\n \r\nMr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped.\r\n \r\nShe told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito Lay.\r\n \r\nMr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to \"Idaho P.U\" - that's Potato University - where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.\r\n \r\nBut one day she came home and said she was going to marry Dan Rather. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just a .... COMMON TATER!!! \r\n\r\n(..think about it...)",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3650,
"title": "Taters"
},
{
"body": "The head of a small industrial company posted a slogan all around the office and plant saying, \"Do it now!\" with the hope of getting better results from his workers.\r\n\r\nSome weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogan signs, he said, \"It worked too well. The bookkeeper skipped with $20,000, the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had, three salesmen asked for raises, and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3651,
"title": "Slogan Success"
},
{
"body": "First, you get a little hoarse.\r\nThen, you get a little buggy.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3652,
"title": "The Dreaded Amish Flu..."
},
{
"body": "Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. \r\n\r\nHe didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3653,
"title": "Adam and Eve..."
},
{
"body": "An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, \"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3654,
"title": "An Elderly Woman Died..."
},
{
"body": "Two blondes were starting a round of golf together. On the first tee, the first blonde smacked a beautiful drive down the center of the fairway. With a smile, she picked up the tee and walked to the cart. \r\n\r\nThe second blonde cranked another good drive down the center of the fairway. Pleased, she hopped in the cart. \r\n\r\nWhen they arrived at the golf balls, they noticed that they were ten yards apart. \r\n\r\n\"That's mine up there,\" said the first blonde, pointing to the ball closer to the green. \r\n\r\n\"No way, I outdrove you easily,\" said the second blonde. Before you know it, fists were flying. \r\n\r\nAfter a brief scuffle, the second blonde stopped and said, \"I know how we can solve this problem!\" \r\n\r\n\"How?\" \r\n\r\n\"We will get the clubhouse pro out here!\" \r\n\r\nSure enough, they drove back to the clubhouse and got him and dragged him out to the fairway. \r\n\r\nStudying the situation for a few minutes the pro finally said, \"I know how to solve this!\" \r\n\r\n\"How?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yeah, how?\" \r\n\r\nReplied the pro, \"Who is hitting the yellow ball?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3655,
"title": "Blonde Golfers"
},
{
"body": "Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, \"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?\"\r\n \r\n\"Only one kiss per yard,\" replied the smirking male clerk.\r\n \r\n\"That's fine,\" replied the girl. \"I'll take ten yards.\"\r\n \r\nWith expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.\r\n \r\nThe girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.\r\n \r\n\"Grandpa will pay the bill,\" she smiled.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3656,
"title": "One Kiss Per Yard"
},
{
"body": "A vacationing golfer was out playing on a course that he had never played before. He hired a caddie from the pro shop to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide what shots to play.\r\n\r\nOn the first tee, the golfer missed his shot, and it dribbled forward about 15 yards. He was slightly embarrassed, but determined to play a better second shot. He hit his second shot into the bordering fairway, and his third shot into a sand trap. By the time he holed out on this Par 4, he was 6 over par.\r\n\r\nThe man turned to his caddie and said, \"Well, I have never played this badly before!\"\r\n\r\nTo which the caddie replied, \"I didn't realize you had played before, sir.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3657,
"title": "Excuses, Excuses..."
},
{
"body": "A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, \"Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, yes, I did once.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, how did she look?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh boy, she looked very angry!\"\r\n\r\nAt this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. \"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?\"\r\n\r\n\"She was watching us through the window.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3658,
"title": "Sex Face"
},
{
"body": "A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, \"Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen.\" \r\n\r\nA customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.\r\n\r\nA few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. \"She's a horse's ass too,\" the man. \r\n\r\nThis time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. \r\n\r\n\"Damn it!\" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. \"This must be Bush country!\"\r\n\r\n\"Nope,\" the bartender replied. \"Horse country!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 3659,
"title": "Horse Country"
},
{
"body": "New IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He assumed they were turning some unreported revenues somewhere, and was determined to find it. \r\n\r\nHe proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi, asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah and Chanukah candles. \r\n\r\nThe Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the temple new candles. \r\n\r\n\"What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?\" asked the IRS auditor. \r\n\r\n\"Simple,\" the Rabbi responded. \"We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal.\"\r\n\r\nAll right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you're a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?\" \r\n\r\n\"That's easy too,\" said the Rabbi. \"We send them to Washington, DC and they send us back little pricks like you.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3668,
"title": "Accounting for Everything"
},
{
"body": "Little Leroy was at home doing his math homework. He said to himself, \"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.\" At that moment, his mother came in and heard that he was cursing. \"Leroy, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?\" \r\n\r\nLittle Leroy answered, \"I'm doing my math homework, Mom.\" \r\n\r\nShe said, \"And is that what your teacher taught you?\" \r\n\r\nHe replied, \"Yes.\" \r\n\r\nThe next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Leroy's school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his Math teacher, \"I would like to know what you are teaching my son in math.\" The teacher replied, \"Right now, we are learning addition problems.\" Little Leroy's mother asked, \"Are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?\" \r\n\r\nWhen the teacher stopped laughing she replied, \"Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3669,
"title": "Little Leroy was at Home..."
},
{
"body": "He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.\r\n\r\nHe is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN\r\n\r\nHe does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.\r\n\r\nHe is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.\r\n\r\nHe is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.\r\n\r\nHe does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.\r\n\r\nHe does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.\r\n\r\nHe is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.\r\n\r\nHe is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.\r\n\r\nHe does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.\r\n\r\nHe is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3670,
"title": "HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT!"
},
{
"body": "A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.\r\n\r\n\"You could have told me that before I undressed!\" she scolded him.\r\n\r\nHe replied, \"Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3671,
"title": "NO SWIMMING"
},
{
"body": "Legendary football announcer Keith Jackson was in Texas to announce a college football game when he noticed a special telephone near the Longhorn's bench. He asked a nearby Texas player what it was for, and was told that it was the \"hotline to God.\"\r\n\r\nKeith asked if he could use it. The player told him, \"Sure, but it will cost you $10.\"\r\n\r\nKeith scratched his head and thought, \"What the heck, I need a break picking games.\" He pulled out his wallet and paid the $10. Keith was perfect that week with his football picks.\r\n\r\nThe next week Mr. Jackson was in Florida when he noticed the same kind of telephone on the FSU bench. He again asked what the telephone was for and was told, \"It's the hotline to God. If you want to use it, it'll cost you $10.\"\r\n\r\nRecalling the prior week, Keith pulled out his wallet and made the call. Keith was again perfect calling games.\r\n\r\nThe next weekend Mr. Jackson was in Nebraska at Memorial Stadium, when he noticed the same kind of telephone by the Cornhusker's bench. He asked a player, \"Is that telephone the hotline to God?\"\r\n\r\nThe player responded, \"Yes, and if you want to use it, it'll cost you 25 cents.\"\r\n\r\nKeith looked incredulously at the young man and said, \"Wait a second, I paid $10 in Texas and Florida to use the same telephone to God. Why does Nebraska charge only 25 cents?\"\r\n\r\nThe young man looked at Mr. Jackson and replied, \"In Nebraska, it's a local call.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3672,
"title": "Legendary Football Announcer..."
},
{
"body": "A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex.\r\n\r\nTo prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.\r\n\r\n\"Twice a day,\" the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no. \"Once a day, then?\" Again the answer was no. \"Twice a week?\"\r\n\r\n\"No.\"\r\n\r\n\"Twice a month?\"\r\n\r\n\"No.\"\r\n\r\nWhen the doctor asked, \"Once a year?\" the man finally said yes.\r\n\r\nThe therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this individual, and he asked the man, \"What the heck are you so happy about?\"\r\n\r\nThe man answered, \"Tonight's the night!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3673,
"title": "SEX THEORY"
},
{
"body": "Delivering his speech at the opening banquet of a national convention, the visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. \r\n\r\nBecause he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: \r\n\r\n\"The minister told a number of stories that cannot be printed here.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3674,
"title": "Press Implied"
},
{
"body": "Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.\r\n\r\nAfter introductions, the first golfer asked the second, \"What's your handicap?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer,\" the other replied.\r\n\r\n\"Really!\" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with such a strong player.\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3675,
"title": "Golfing Guru"
},
{
"body": "Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, \"I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3676,
"title": "Two Vultures Board an Airplane..."
},
{
"body": "One day, John dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he meets the demon. \r\n\r\nDemon: \"Why so sad, my friend?\"\r\n\r\nJohn: \"What do you think? I'm in hell!\"\r\n\r\nDemon: \"Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?\"\r\n\r\nJohn: \"Sure, I love to drink.\"\r\n\r\nDemon: \"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer...We drink till we throw up and then drink some more.\"\r\n\r\nJohn: \"Gee, that sounds great!\"\r\n\r\nDemon: \"You a smoker?\"\r\n\r\nJohn: \"You better believe it.\"\r\n\r\nDemon: \"Allright! You're gonna love Tuesday. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!\"\r\n\r\nJohn: \"Golly\"\r\n\r\nDemon: \"I bet you like to gamble.\"\r\n\r\nJohn: \"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.\"\r\n\r\nDemon: \"Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it.\"\r\n\r\nJohn: \"Wow!\"\r\n\r\nDemon: \"You like to use drugs?\"\r\n\r\nJohn: \"Well, I love to use drugs. You don't mean...\" \r\n\r\nDemon: \"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can use all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!\" \r\n\r\nJohn: \"Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!\"\r\n\r\nDemon: \"You gay?\"\r\n\r\nJohn: \"Uhhhhh, no!!\"\r\n\r\nDemon: \"Ohhhh.... you're gonna hate Fridays....\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3678,
"title": "Hell on Friday"
},
{
"body": "Two guys are moving about in a Walmart when their carts collide.\r\n\r\nOne says to the other, \"Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife.\"\r\n\r\n\"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?\"\r\n\r\n\"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass.\r\n\r\nWhat's your wife look like?\"\r\n\r\n\"Never mind, let's look for yours!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3681,
"title": "Two Guys are Moving About..."
},
{
"body": "This will warm your heart, just when you have lost faith in human kindness....\r\n\r\nDear Safety Harbor Middle School,\r\n\r\nGod bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.\r\n\r\nSincerely,\r\n\r\nEdna Walters",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3682,
"title": "This Will Warm Your Heart..."
},
{
"body": "Hickory, Dickory Dock\r\nThree mice ran up the clock\r\nThe clock struck one...\r\n\r\nThe rest got away with minor injuries",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3683,
"title": "Hickory, Dickory Dock..."
},
{
"body": "A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. \r\n\r\n\"I've figured out your problem,\" he told the young southpaw. \"You always lose control at the same point in every game.\"\r\n \r\n\"When is that?\"\r\n \r\n\"Right after the National Anthem.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3684,
"title": "Rookie"
},
{
"body": "A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there.\r\n\r\n\"Sit, Fluffy,\" she says.\r\n\r\nFluffy glares at her, sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.\r\n\r\n\"I said 'SIT'! Now there's a good Fluffy,\" says the woman, slightly embarrassed.\r\n\r\nFluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, \"Darn it Fluffy, will you be good?!\"\r\n\r\nFluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.\r\n\r\nAs the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says, \"Pardon me, I've just washed my hare and I can't do a thing with it!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3685,
"title": "Naughty Rabbit"
},
{
"body": "Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.\r\n\r\n\"Hello,\" said the Father, \"And how is Mr. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?\"\r\n\r\nShe replied, \"You did that, Father.\" \r\n\r\n\"And are there any little ones yet?\" \r\n\r\n\"No, not yet, Father,\" she said \r\n\r\n\"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, thank you, Father,\" and away she went.\r\n\r\nSeveral years later they met again.\r\n\r\n\"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan,\" said the Father, \"how are you?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, very well,\" said she.\r\n\r\n\"And tell me,\" he said, \"have you any little ones yet?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all.\"\r\n\r\n\"Now isn't that wonderful?\" he said, \"and how is your wonderful husband?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh,\" she said, \"he's gone to Rome to blow out your damned candle!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3686,
"title": "Good Cat'lic"
},
{
"body": "An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat, when his wife said, \"Where are you going?\"\r\n\r\nThe elderly man replied, \"To the doctor's.\"\r\n\r\nSurprised, his wife asked \"Why, are you sick?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" he said, \"I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.\"\r\n\r\nWith that, his equally elderly wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her sweater.\r\n\r\nSurprised, he asked, \"Where are you going?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm going to the doctor, too.\"\r\n\r\n\"Why?\"\r\n\r\nShe said, matter-of-factly, \"If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3687,
"title": "Shapin' Up"
},
{
"body": "Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call.\r\n\r\nBefore long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, \"Okay, let's get out and get him.\"\r\n\r\nAfter a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, \"The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?\"\r\n\r\nThe guy in the front said, \"Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3689,
"title": "Moose Hunting"
},
{
"body": "Love Marriage: Acceptance test possible you can try before you Buy. \r\n\r\nArranged Marriage: Product is sold on an as is where is basis. Product once sold will not be taken back! \r\n\r\n\r\nArranged Marriage is like Unix..boring n colorless... still extremely reliable n robust. \r\n\r\nLove Marriage is like Windows, beautiful n seductive........ yet one never knows when it will crash........",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3692,
"title": "Love Marriage vs Arranged Marriage"
},
{
"body": "A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked,\r\n\r\n\"Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?\"\r\n\r\nTo which he replied, \"Lady, I'm in sales, not management.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3694,
"title": "It's A Job!"
},
{
"body": "A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.\r\n\r\nHe went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. \"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?\" she asked. \"They're mating,\" her father replied. \"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?\" she asked. \"That's a daddy longlegs,\" her father answered. \"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?\" the little girl asked.\r\n\r\n\"No,\" her father replied. \"Both of them are daddy longlegs.\" The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. \"Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing going on in our garden\".",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3696,
"title": "A Father Watched His Daughter..."
},
{
"body": "I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.\r\n\r\nSkinny people say things like \"You know sometimes I forget to eat!\" Now,I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.\r\n\r\nA friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids but didn't care.\r\n\r\nThey keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, \"Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?\" Clear as a bell my body said, \"Listen girlfriend...do it and you die.\"\r\n\r\nI know what Victoria's secret is: Nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.\r\n\r\n\"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3697,
"title": "A Woman's Random Thoughts"
},
{
"body": "A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.\r\n\r\nThe circus owner told them, \"I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?\"\r\n\r\nThe girl said, \"I'll go first.\" She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.\r\n\r\nThe lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.\r\n\r\nThe circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said, \"I've never seen a display like that in my life.\" He then turned to the young man and asked, \"Can you top that?\"\r\n\r\nThe young man replied, \"No problem, just get that lion out of the way.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3698,
"title": "LION TAMER"
},
{
"body": "An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.\r\n\r\nThe doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the Doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. \"Hit him again,\" the 5-year-old said. \"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3699,
"title": "The Country Doctor"
},
{
"body": "A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.\r\n\r\nThe young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude, the young man said to her, \"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition.\"\r\n\r\nFlabbergasted, the woman asked, \"What is the condition?\"\r\n\r\nThe young man replied, \"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.\"\r\n\r\nThe woman considered his proposition for a moment, reached into her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said...\r\n\r\n\"Clean my house...\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3700,
"title": "A Woman was Sitting at a Bar..."
},
{
"body": "A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. \r\n\r\nThe woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. \r\n\r\nThe woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. \r\n\r\n Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. \r\n\r\n No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish... \r\n\r\n \"I'd like to give birth to twins\".",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3701,
"title": "Three Wishes"
},
{
"body": "Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says,\r\n\r\n\"Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drink.\"\r\n\r\n\"But we's privates,\" protests Junior.\r\n\r\n\"We's sergeants now,\" says Bubba, pulling him inside.\r\n\r\n\"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink.\"\r\n\r\n\"But, we's privates,\" says Junior.\r\n\r\n\"You blind, boy?\" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. \"We's Sergeants now.\"\r\n\r\nSo they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.\r\n\r\n\"You're cute,\" she says, \"and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea.\"\r\n\r\nBubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers,\r\n\r\n\"Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign.\"\r\n\r\nJunior goes to look it up, comes back and gives Bubba the big okay sign.\r\n\r\nThree weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.\r\n\r\n\"Junior,\" he says, \"What you give me the okay for?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.\" Then he pointed to his stripes and says, \"But we's Sergeants now!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3702,
"title": "Two 'GOOD OL BOYS'"
},
{
"body": "Sadie: \"That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.\" \r\n\r\nYetta: \"Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner..... Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!\" \r\n\r\nSadie: \"Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?\" \r\n\r\nYetta: \"No..I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3703,
"title": "Sadie and Yetta, Two Widows, are Talking:"
},
{
"body": "Mom was cleaning the house when she found her son's hidden stash of S&M and sexual bondage magazines.\r\n\r\nNaturally, she was very upset and she didn't know what to do. So, she waited until her husband got home to discuss it with him.\r\n\r\nAfter she showed him the magazines, she asked him, \"Well, what are you going to do about it?\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't know what to do.\" he told her. \"I really don't think I should give him a spanking for this!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3705,
"title": "Mom was Cleaning the House..."
},
{
"body": "It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing \"Ave Maria,\" and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.\r\n\r\nA visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir. \"I am a retired choir director,\" he said. \"This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I'm very proud of them,\" said the conductor.\r\n\r\n\"You should take them on tour,\" said the visitor. \"What are they called?\"\r\n\r\n\"Surely that's obvious,\" replied the conductor. \"They are the 'Moron Tapanapple Choir'.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3708,
"title": "It was Visitors Day..."
},
{
"body": "See if you can do this: Read each line aloud\r\n\r\nThis is this cat\r\nThis is is cat\r\nThis is how cat\r\nThis is to cat\r\nThis is keep cat\r\nThis is a cat\r\nThis is dumbass cat\r\nThis is busy cat\r\nThis is for cat\r\nThis is forty cat\r\nThis is seconds cat\r\n\r\nNow go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3709,
"title": "Dr. Seuss's Lost Tongue Twister"
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3710,
"title": "Fishy Story"
},
{
"body": "A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial it went like this:\r\n\r\nQ. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?\r\nA. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.\r\n\r\nQ. Officer, who provided this description?\r\nA. The officer who responded to the scene. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.\r\n\r\nQ. Do you trust your fellow officers?\r\nA. Yes sir, with my life.\r\n\r\nQ. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?\r\nA. Yes sir, we do.\r\n\r\nQ. And do you have a locker in that room?\r\nA. Yes sir, I do.\r\n\r\nQ. And do you have a lock on your locker?\r\nA. Yes sir.\r\n\r\nQ. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?\r\nA. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.\r\n\r\nWith that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.\r\n\r\nThe officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's \"Best comeback\" line and we think he'll win.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 3711,
"title": "Cross Examination"
},
{
"body": "A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up to an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, \"You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.\"\r\n\r\n\"What do you want me to do?\" asked the sheriff.\r\n\r\n\"I don't care, just do something about those drivers!\"\r\n\r\nSo the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING\r\n\r\nThree days later, the farmer called the sheriff and said, \"You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster.\"\r\n\r\nSo, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY\r\n\r\nAnd that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, \"Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?\"\r\n\r\nThe sheriff told him, \"Sure thing, put up your own sign.\" He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.\r\n\r\nThree weeks after the farmer's last call, the sheriff decided to call him. \"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go, I'm very busy,\" and he hung up the phone.\r\n\r\nThe sheriff thought to himself, \"I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign. There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers.\"\r\n\r\nSo the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood, and written in large yellow letters were the words:\r\n\r\nSLOW: NUDIST COLONY",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3712,
"title": "A Farmer Lived on a Quiet..."
},
{
"body": "There is a man in his back yard trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times all the while his wife is watching from her kitchen window. Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything she opens the window and yells to her husband \"You need more tail.\" \r\n\r\nThe man turns with a confused look on his face and says, \"Make up your mind, Honey. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3713,
"title": "Go Fly a Kite"
},
{
"body": "A little boy asked his mother:\r\n\r\nMummy, why are you white and I am black?\r\n\r\nDon't even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don't bark.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3714,
"title": "Party"
},
{
"body": "I went to the store the other day and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said \"Come on, buddy, how about giving me a break?\" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes; the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3715,
"title": "Parked Car"
},
{
"body": "A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter Heaven. The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter Heaven. The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter Heaven either. Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing. \"Why are you laughing?\" God asked. \"I didn't tell a joke.\" \"I know,\" the blonde replied. \"I just got the first joke.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3716,
"title": "Stairway To Heaven"
},
{
"body": "A blond named Pam is appearing on \"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire\" with Regis Philbin\r\n\r\nRegis: \"Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?\" \r\n\r\nPam: \"Yes.\"\r\n\r\nRegis: \"Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush.\"\r\n\r\nPam: \"I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol.\"\r\n\r\nCarol (also a blond) answers the phone: \"Hello?\"\r\n\r\nRegis: \"Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's...\"\r\n\r\nPam: \"Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush.\"\r\n\r\nCarol: \"Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo.\" \r\n\r\nPam: \"Are you sure?\" Carol: \"I'm sure.\" \r\n\r\nRegis: \"Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?\"\r\n\r\nPam: \"I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo.\"\r\n\r\nRegis:\" Is that your final answer?\"\r\n\r\nPam: \"Yes.\"\r\n\r\nRegis: \"Are you confident?\"\r\n\r\nPam: \"Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart.\" \r\n\r\nRegis: \"You said C) cuckoo... And you're right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!\"\r\n\r\nTo celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her,\" Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?\"\r\n\r\nPam, \"it was easy,\" replies her (blond) friend. \"Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3717,
"title": "The Bird Question"
},
{
"body": "\"Dad,\" said Little Johnny, \"I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny's father said irately, \"Son, it just wouldn't be right.\" \r\n\r\n\"That's okay,\" replied Little Johnny \"You could at least give it a try, couldn't you?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3719,
"title": "Homework"
},
{
"body": "Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, \"Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!\" \r\n\r\nHer brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: \"That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3721,
"title": "There's Something People Hate About Mary"
},
{
"body": "Want to hear a clean joke? Bob took a bath with bubbles.\r\n\r\nWant to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Bobs neighbor.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3722,
"title": "Want to Hear a Clean Joke?"
},
{
"body": "There are two men in a restroom, in stalls directly next to each other.\r\n\r\nMan #1 says \"Hi there.\"\r\n\r\nMan #2, trying not to be rude, says, \"Um...Hi\"\r\n\r\nAfter a short silence, Man #1 speaks again saying, \"So, how are things?\"\r\n\r\nMan #2 replies, \"Good.... I guess.\"\r\n\r\nMan #1 says, \"Okay, honey, I have to go now, every time I talk to you on my phone this guy answers, bye.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3723,
"title": "New Friend"
},
{
"body": "Two little boys were looking for a way to cool off on a hot summer day.\r\n\r\nTheir dad wouldn't let them play in the sprinkler because he was mowing the lawn, so the boys set out to find a way to get wet and cool without getting into trouble.\r\n\r\nThey sat on the curb brainstorming the solution, when suddenly one of them jumped up and declared, \"I know! Let's get baptized!\"\r\n\r\nWell, both boys had seen enough to know that you can get wet at a baptism, so they trotted on down to the church on the corner and told the pastor they wanted to get baptized. \r\n\r\nThe irritated pastor finally relented after about 10 minutes of begging, and he finally dragged the boys to the men's room and dunked them both head first into the toilet, then sent them on their way.\r\n\r\nThe boys sat on the curb, slightly disappointed with the whole adventure, when one of them asked the other, \"Hey, what religion are we now?\" \r\n\r\n\"I don't know,\" replied the other. \"If we were Baptists, he\r\nwould have filled up the big tub and dunked our whole body like he did for Uncle Jim, and if we were Catholic, he would have poured it on our heads from a pitcher...\"\r\n\r\nThey sat and thought about it for a while longer when the first one said in a small voice, \"Since he stuck our head in the toilet, I think that it means that we're 'pisscapalian.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3727,
"title": "Two Little Boys Were Looking..."
},
{
"body": "President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell.\r\n\r\nThe Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. \r\n\r\nThe next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good byes as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat. \r\n\r\n\"Sorry about the mix up\" says the Pope. \r\n\r\n\"No problem,\" replies Clinton. \r\n\r\n\"Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.\" \r\n\r\nClinton asks, \"Why's that?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.\" \r\n\r\nPresident Clinton replies, \"Sorry, but you're a day late\".",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3729,
"title": "Virgin Mary"
},
{
"body": "As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman.\r\n\r\nAs the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, \"That will teach you to pinch!\"\r\n\r\nBewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, \"I . . . didn't pinch that girl.\"\r\n\r\n\"Of course you didn't,\" replied his wife, consolingly. \"I did.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3730,
"title": "As the Crowded Elevator..."
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?\r\n\r\nA: Halfway.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3731,
"title": "What Do You Get..."
},
{
"body": "Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, \"Someone should go and tell his wife.\"\r\n\r\nBill says, \"OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.\"\r\n\r\n2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, \"Where did you get that, Bill?\"\r\n\r\n\"Steve's wife gave it to me.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?\"\r\n\r\nBill says, \"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'\"\r\n\r\nShe said, \"'No, I'm not a widow.\"\r\n\r\nAnd I said, \"Wanna bet me a six-pack?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3732,
"title": "Three Guys Were Working..."
},
{
"body": "A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. \"The\r\nmaterial we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of\r\nus sitting here, years ago. \r\n\r\n\"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese\r\nfood is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of\r\nus realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking\r\nwater.\r\n\r\n\"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all\r\nhave, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that\r\ncauses the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?\" \r\n\r\nA old man in the front row stood up and said, \"Wedding cake!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3733,
"title": "Diet Nightmare"
},
{
"body": "\"Doc, I think my son has VD,\" a patient told his urologist on the phone. \"The only woman he's screwed is our maid.\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid,\" the medic soothed. \"Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him.\"\r\n\r\n\"But I've been screwing the maid too, and I've got the same symptoms he has.\"\r\n\r\n\"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up,\" replied the doctor.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" the man admitted, \"I think my wife has it too.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh crap!\" the physician roared. \"That means we've all got it!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3734,
"title": "VD Chain"
},
{
"body": "A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was steaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, \"My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules - make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3735,
"title": "A Young Ensign..."
},
{
"body": "I cannot see,\r\nI cannot pee;\r\nI cannot chew,\r\nI cannot screw;\r\nOh, my God, what can I do?\r\nMy memory shrinks,\r\nMy hearing stinks,\r\nNo sense of smell -\r\nI look like hell\r\nMy mood is bad - can you tell?\r\nMy body's drooping,\r\nHave trouble pooping;\r\nThe Golden Years have come at last -\r\nThe Golden years can kiss my ass",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3736,
"title": "The Cat In The Hat On Aging"
},
{
"body": "A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, \"We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one.\"\r\n\r\nThe next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, \"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3737,
"title": "New Order"
},
{
"body": "Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. \r\n\r\nWhen Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. \r\n\r\n\"You're running around with other women,\" she charged. \r\n\r\n\"You're being unreasonable,\" Adam responded. \"You're the only woman on earth.\" \r\n\r\nThe quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. \r\n\r\n\"What do you think you're doing?\" Adam demanded. \r\n\r\n\"Counting your ribs,\" said Eve.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3738,
"title": "Overly Suspicious"
},
{
"body": "The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.\r\n\r\n\"Nothing much, Pastor,\" replied one boy. \"We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life.\"\r\n\r\n\"Boys, boys, boys!\" he scolded. \"I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex.\"\r\n\r\nIn unison they all replied, \"You win!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3739,
"title": "Telling Lies"
},
{
"body": "On wall in ladies room: \"My husband follows me everywhere.\"\r\n\r\nWritten just below it: \"I do not.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3740,
"title": "On Wall in Ladies Room..."
},
{
"body": "In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.\r\n\r\nWhile the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.\r\n\r\nThe researchers are at a loss to explain the phenomenon.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3741,
"title": "Viagra Study"
},
{
"body": "Harry walks into his supervisor's office. \"Boss,\" he says, \"We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.\"\r\n\r\n\"We're short-handed, Harry,\" the boss replies. \"I can't give you the day off.\"\r\n\r\n\"Thanks, boss,\" says Harry, \"I knew I could count on you!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3744,
"title": "In Demand"
},
{
"body": "One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven, so off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.\r\n\r\nAs he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, \"I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did.\"\r\n\r\nThey both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.\r\n\r\nNow Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.\r\n\r\nJon replied, \"I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.\r\n\r\nAfter every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, \"Damn income taxes!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3745,
"title": "\"Income Taxes\""
},
{
"body": "A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, \"Here's a pill for English literature.\" The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!\r\n\r\n\"What else do you have?\" asks the student.\r\n\r\n\"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,\" replies the pharmacist.\r\n\r\nThe student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, \"Do you have a pill for math?\"\r\n\r\nThe pharmacist says, \"Wait just a moment,\" goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.\r\n\r\n\"I have to take that huge pill for math?\" inquires the student.\r\n\r\nThe pharmacist replied, \"Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3748,
"title": "Math Problems"
},
{
"body": "Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took many pictures of the Dwarves and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Snow White was so disappointed that she started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said kindly, \"Don't worry, someday your prints will come.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3750,
"title": "Camera"
},
{
"body": "A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing, and arrested when he replied, . . . \"Impersonating an office, sir!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3751,
"title": "What are You Doing?"
},
{
"body": "A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and said, \"Well, I've always been embarrassed by being rather small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger?\"\r\n\r\n\"Done,\" said the genie and disappeared.\r\n\r\nContinuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his \"size.\" Within several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where he'd met the genie.\r\n\r\n\"Problem?\" inquired the genie.\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" the man responded, \"Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish?\"\r\n\r\n\"And what might that be?\" asked the genie.\r\n\r\n\"Could you make my legs longer?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3752,
"title": "Genie-size It"
},
{
"body": "Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. \"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City,\" says Miss Annabell. \"They have men there who kiss other men on the lips.\"\r\n\r\nMiss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, \"Oh my! Oh my!\"\r\n\r\n\"They call them homosexuals,\" proclaims Miss Annabell.\r\n\r\n\"Oh my! Oh my,\" proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.\r\n\r\n\"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh my! Oh my,\" exclaim the girls. \"What do they call them?\" they ask.\r\n\r\n\"They call them lesbians,\" says Miss Annabell.\r\n\r\n\"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City,\" sighs Miss Annabell.\r\n\r\n\"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my,\" exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. \"What do they call them?\" they ask in unison.\r\n\r\nMiss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, \"Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3753,
"title": "Precious"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?\r\n\r\nA. They're afraid of flying off the handle!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3754,
"title": "Witches"
},
{
"body": "When White man found this land, Indians were running it.\r\nNo Taxes...\r\nNo Debt...\r\nPlenty Buffalo...\r\n\r\nPlenty beaver!\r\n\r\nWomen did most (all) of the work.\r\nMedicine Man free!\r\nIndian men hunted and fished all the time!\r\n\r\nOnly White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3755,
"title": "When White Man..."
},
{
"body": "There was a German, an Italian and a Newfie on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die..... \r\n1. To be shot \r\n2. To be hung \r\n3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death \r\n\r\nThe German said, \"Shoot me right in the head.\" Boom, he was dead instantly. \r\n\r\nThe Italian said \"Just hang me.\" With a snap of the rope he was dead. \r\n\r\nThen the Newfie said, \"Give me some of that AIDS stuff.\" They gave him the shot and the Newfie fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. \r\n\r\nThe Newfie said \"Give me another one of those shots.\" The guards injected him again and now the Newfie was laughing so hard that tears rolled down his cheeks and he was doubled over laughing. \r\n\r\nFinally the warden said \"What is wrong with you?\" \r\nThe Newfie replied, \"You guys are so stupid...............I'm wearing a condom.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3756,
"title": "Death Row (Newfie Joke)"
},
{
"body": "How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?\r\nHis lips are moving.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 3759,
"title": "How Can You Tell If a Lawyer is Lying?"
},
{
"body": "If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 3760,
"title": "A Lawyer and an IRS Agent are Drowning"
},
{
"body": "The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Minnesota quarters.\r\n\r\nWe are recalling all of the new Minnesota quarters that were recently issued, Treasury Undersecretary said in a press conference Monday.\r\n\r\nThis comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices. We believe the problem lies in a design flaw.\r\n\r\nThe winning design for the Minnesota quarter was submitted by Sven Petersen of New Ulm, Minnesota. Sven commented, \"Apparently, da duct tape holding da two dimes ana nickel togedder keeps yamming da coin-slot.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3765,
"title": "The United States Treasury..."
},
{
"body": "BLONDE woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.\r\n\r\nShe says to the clerk, \"May I have 50 Christmas stamps?\"\r\n\r\nThe clerk says, \"What denomination?\"\r\n\r\nThe woman says, \"God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3766,
"title": "WHAT DENOMINATION?"
},
{
"body": "There were two blondes who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.\r\n\r\nAfter hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, \"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3767,
"title": "There Were Two Blondes..."
},
{
"body": "1 When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.\r\n\r\n2 Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.\r\n\r\n3 Never trade luck for skill.\r\n\r\n4 The three most common expressions (or, famous last words) in aviation are, \"Why is it doing that?\"; \"Where are we?\" and \"Ooh Shit!\"\r\n\r\n5 Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.\r\n\r\n6 Progress in airline flying; Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.\r\n\r\n7 Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.\r\n\r\n8 A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.\r\n\r\n9 I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.\r\n\r\n10 Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!\r\n\r\n11 If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe.\r\n\r\n12 Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.\r\n\r\n13 Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.\r\n\r\n14 Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.\r\n\r\n15 When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.\r\n\r\n16 Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.\r\n\r\n17 Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.\r\n\r\n18 The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)\r\n\r\n19 A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)\r\n\r\n20 If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic pilot)\r\n\r\n21 If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)\r\n\r\n22 Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).\r\n\r\n23 You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)\r\n\r\n24 Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.\r\n\r\n25 There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime (sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).\r\n\r\n26 The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)\r\n\r\n27 \"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV.\" (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).\r\n\r\n28 What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies.\r\n\r\n29 Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.\r\n\r\n30 If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.\r\n\r\n31 Basic Flying Rules 1. Try to stay in the middle of the air. 2. Do not go near the edges of it. 3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.\r\n\r\n32 You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3769,
"title": "Flying Truisms"
},
{
"body": "A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies, basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer, he realized that they were all stark naked. \r\n\r\nHe went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies laying in the sun on the front lawn. \r\n\r\nThe director said, \"Yes,\" and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3770,
"title": "A Man was Out Walking..."
},
{
"body": "The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. \r\n\r\nThe woman cocked her ear, \"Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!\" she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. \r\n\r\n\"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?\" he asked. \"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you.\" she replied with a knowing smile. \"Great,\" he said, \"I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes.\" \r\n\r\nBefore she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air. \"Who the devil are you!\" the husband demanded. \"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,\" the lover replied. \r\n\r\n\"But..but you've got no clothes on?\" stammered the husband. The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, \"The little bastards!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3771,
"title": "Moths"
},
{
"body": "What is a cat? \r\n\r\n1. Cats do what they want. \r\n2. They rarely listen to you. \r\n3. They're totally unpredictable. \r\n4. They whine when they are not happy. \r\n5. When you want to play, they want to be alone. \r\n6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. \r\n7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. \r\n8. They're moody. \r\n9. They leave hair everywhere. \r\n10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. \r\nConclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.\r\n\r\nWhat is a dog?\r\n\r\n1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. \r\n2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. \r\n3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. \r\n4. They growl when they are not happy. \r\n5. When you want to play, they want to play. \r\n6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. \r\n7. They are great at begging. \r\n8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. \r\n9. They leave their toys everywhere. \r\n10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. \r\n\r\nConclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3774,
"title": "What Is A Cat And A Dog?"
},
{
"body": "Tired of having to stare at the luscious young kitten on the other side of the chain link fence, bold Tommy Tomcat decided to visit her one day. Settling back on his haunches, he gave a mighty leap and landed on the other side; impressed, the lovely cat sauntered over. \r\n\r\n\"That was quite a leap,\" she remarked. \"Want to go somewhere and cuddle?\" \r\n\r\n\"Afraid not,\" said Tommy, a pained expressions on his face. \"The fence was higher than I thought.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3775,
"title": "Tommy Tomcat"
},
{
"body": "Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. \"Come have a look over here,\" says Paddy, \"It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's nothing,\" says Sean, \"here's one named Patrick O'Tool. It says here that he was 95 when he died.\"\r\n\r\nJust then, Seamus yells out, \"Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!\"\r\n\r\n\"What was his name?\" asks Paddy.\r\n\r\nSeamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, \"Miles, from Dublin.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3776,
"title": "Ripe Old Age..."
},
{
"body": "A woman was having a terrible time sleeping. Her large dog, which slept in the bedroom with her and her husband, snored like a buzz saw. She contacted the Vet who told her of an old remedy that was handed down to him by an old Southern lady. He said when the dog began to snore, tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles.\r\n\r\nHoping for a good night sleep, she looked into her sewing kit and found a short piece of red ribbon and placed it on the night stand. When the dog began to snore she got up and delicately tied the red ribbon around the dog's testicles. The dog immediately stopped snoring and stayed asleep. Amazing she thought, and quickly went back to sleep.\r\n\r\nLater that evening, her husband came home from a night out with the boys, stumbled into the bedroom and after undressing, flopped into bed. He immediately began to snore loudly, waking his wife. She reasoned that if it worked for the dog, maybe it would work for her husband. She got up and went to her sewing kit where she found a length of blue ribbon. Quietly and softly she tied the ribbon around her husbands testicles and he immediately quit snoring. She was amazed again and promptly returned to sleep.\r\n\r\nThe next morning the husband awoke with a terrible hangover and as he stepped into the bathroom to relieve himself saw the blue ribbon around his testicles. As he walked into the bedroom, he saw the red ribbon around the dog's testicles. Through his haze, he muttered off-handedly to the dog, \"I don't know what we did last night, but at least we finished first and second.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3777,
"title": "Snoring"
},
{
"body": "The long term implications of drug research and medical procedures must be fully considered.\r\n\r\nBecause over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.\r\n\r\nMedical researchers believe that by the year 2030 there will be a significant number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3778,
"title": "The Long Term Implications of Drug..."
},
{
"body": "Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: \"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?\" \r\n\r\nThe birch says it cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, \"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?\" \r\n\r\nThe woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: \"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3779,
"title": "Two Tall Trees..."
},
{
"body": "A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.\r\n\r\nWhen it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.\r\n\r\nThe teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one--holding onto their \"weewees\" to direct the flow away from their clothes.\r\n\r\nAs she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, \"You must be in the 5th.\"\r\n\r\n\"No, ma'am,\" he replied. \"I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th but thanks for the lift.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3780,
"title": "A Group of 3rd, 4th and 5th Graders..."
},
{
"body": "If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to\r\nswallow them quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck.\r\n\r\nA shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have \r\nput out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for \r\ntwo hardened criminals!\r\n\r\nThey will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll \r\nsurely be sent to a Penal Institution.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3785,
"title": "???"
},
{
"body": "Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to:\r\n\r\n10. Tommy Lee's---------- Camp Kickachickee\r\n9. Lorena Bobbit's------ Camp Cutaweewee\r\n8. Tanya Harding's------ Camp Wackaneenee\r\n7. Kenneth Star's------- Camp Catchacrookee\r\n6. Louis Farakahn's----- Camp Killawhitey\r\n5. O.J. Simpson's------- Camp Killachickee\r\n4. Michael Jackson's---- Camp Wannabewhitey\r\n3. President Clinton's-----Camp Getahoochie\r\n2. Ellen Degeneras's-------Camp Lickacoochie\r\n\r\nAnd the number one camp not to send your kid to:\r\n\r\n1. Monica Lewinsky's---- Camp Suckapeepee",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3786,
"title": "Camp"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\nWhy are you knocking? I've got a doorbell",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 3788,
"title": "Knocking??"
},
{
"body": "Two best friends were staying at a hotel.Their room was on the tenth floor. One day, because the lift was under repair, they started climbing the stairs. On reaching the first floor, one friend remembered something and said -\r\n \r\nFirst Friend : Hey listen! I want to tell you something.\r\n\r\nSecond Friend : Go on, speak.\r\n\r\nFirst friend : No, no, you may get angry. I'll tell you later.\r\n\r\nThis conversation happened whenever they reached a floor.\r\n\r\nFinally,when they reached in front of their room -\r\n\r\nFirst Friend : Hey listen! I want to tell you something.\r\n\r\nSecond Friend (irritated) : Please speak then.\r\n\r\nFirst Friend : Friend,we forgot to collect the keys from the desk.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3793,
"title": "The Best Friends"
},
{
"body": "One night a man knocked at the doctor's door. When the door opened -\r\n\r\nDoctor : What is the matter?\r\n\r\nThe man : Doctor,a dog bit my leg.\r\n\r\nDoctor : Don't you know that I don't see patients after 9 pm?\r\n\r\nThe man : I know that very well.Perhaps the dog was not aware of it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3796,
"title": "The Doctor"
},
{
"body": "Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. \r\n\r\nA policeman rushed up to him, and yelled \"You are under arrest!\"\r\n\r\n\"What for?\" the mad scientist asked.\r\n\r\nAnd the policeman answered:\r\n\r\nFor making an obscene clone fall.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3798,
"title": "Once There was a Mad Scientist..."
},
{
"body": "A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.\r\n\r\nSo, he asks the man his name.\r\n\r\n\"Fred,\" he replies. Fred what?\" the officer asks.\r\n\r\n\"Just Fred,\" the man responds.\r\n\r\nWhen the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.\r\n\r\n\"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?\"\r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.\r\n\r\n\"I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school.\r\n\r\n\"Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.\r\n\r\n\"Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred.\"\r\n\r\nThe officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up the Warning Ticket.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3799,
"title": "A Local Law Enforcement Office..."
},
{
"body": "Need help coming up with that perfect ditty for your better (or worse) half? Perhaps these will help inspire you!\r\n\r\n--These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:\r\n\r\nLove may be beautiful, love may be bliss \r\nbut I only slept with you, cause I was pissed\r\n\r\nRoses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, so are you. \r\nBut the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl is empty and so is your head\r\n\r\nOf loving beauty you float with grace \r\nIf only you could hide your face\r\n\r\nI thought that I could love no other \r\nUntil, that is, I met your brother\r\n\r\nKind, intelligent, loving and hot \r\nThis describes everything you are not\r\n\r\nI want to feel your sweet embrace \r\nBut don't take that paper bag off of your face\r\n\r\nI love your smile, your face, and your eyes- \r\nDamn, I'm good at telling lies!\r\n\r\nEvery time I see your face \r\nI wish I were in outer space\r\n\r\nI saw your face as you walked by \r\nbut then I saw a better guy\r\n\r\nMy darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: \r\nMarrying you screwed up my life\r\n\r\nI see your face when I am dreaming \r\nThat's why I always wake up screaming\r\n\r\nMy love you take my breath away \r\nWhat have you stepped in to smell this way?\r\n\r\nMy feelings for you no words can tell \r\nExcept for maybe \"go to hell\"\r\n\r\nWhat inspired this amorous rhyme? \r\nTwo parts vodka, one part lime",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 3800,
"title": "Most Romantic First Line..."
},
{
"body": "This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.\r\n\r\nA young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.\r\n\r\nThe young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.\r\n\r\nShe hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.\r\n\r\nThe little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.\r\n\r\nThe little girl proudly replied, \"I worked all last week with a crew building a house.\"\r\n\r\n\"My goodness gracious,\" said the teller, \"and will you be working on the house again this week, too?\"\r\n\r\nThe little girl replied, \"I will if those useless sons-a-bitches at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that's worth a shit!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3801,
"title": "A Heartwarming Story..."
},
{
"body": "Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.\r\n\r\nSecret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.\r\n\r\nMarch 20th is now officially \"Steak & Blowjob Day.\"\r\n\r\nSimple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ. That's it.\r\n\r\nThis twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.\r\n\r\nThe word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3802,
"title": "A New Holiday For Men"
},
{
"body": "After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: \"This is all in your mind,\" and refers him to a psychiatrist.\r\n\r\nAfter a few visits, the shrink confesses: \"I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.\" Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.\r\n\r\nThe witch doctor says: \"I can cure this.\" He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: \"This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!\"\r\n\r\nThe guy then asks the witch doctor: \"What happens when it's over?\"\r\n\r\nThe witch doctor says: \"All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!\"\r\n\r\nThe guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: \"1-2-3\" and suddenly he gets an erection.\r\n\r\nHis wife turns over and says: \"What did you say '1-2-3' for?\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3803,
"title": "After a Few Years of Married Life..."
},
{
"body": "A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.\r\n\r\nThe only \"A+\" in the class read:\r\n\r\n\"My God,\" said the Queen, \"I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 3804,
"title": "A Harvard English 101 Class..."
},
{
"body": "There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting:\r\n\r\n85% of women think their ass is too big...\r\n\r\n10% of women think their ass is too little...\r\n\r\nThe other 5% say that they don't care -- they love him and would have married him anyway.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3805,
"title": "WOMEN'S BUTT SIZE STUDY"
},
{
"body": "Men are like ..... Laxatives ..... They irritate the shit out of you.\r\n\r\nMen are like ... Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.\r\n\r\nMen are like ... Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.\r\n\r\nMen are like ... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.\r\n\r\nMen are like ... Blenders ..... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.\r\n\r\nMen are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.\r\n\r\nMen are like ... Coffee ..... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night.\r\n\r\nMen are like ... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.\r\n\r\nMen are like ... Department Stores ...Their clothes are always 1/2 off.\r\n\r\nMen are like ... Government Bonds ...They take soooooooo long to mature.\r\n\r\nMen are like ... Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.\r\n\r\nMen are like ... Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.\r\n\r\nMen are like ... Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.\r\n\r\nMen are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.\r\n\r\nMen are like .. Parking Spots ...All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3806,
"title": "All About Men"
},
{
"body": "I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. \r\n\r\n\"Man, that guy is stupid!\" I thought to myself. \r\n\r\nI ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:\r\n\r\nI drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. \r\nOf these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. \r\nMost of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. \r\nThat's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. \r\nThat works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. \r\nEven though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. \r\nThat brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. \r\nStatistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.\r\nIn any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. \r\nThat's 642. \r\nAccording to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. \r\nThat's 449. \r\nAccording to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. \r\nThat's 98. \r\nAnd 34% describe men as their biggest problem. \r\nThat's 33. \r\nAccording to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. \r\nThat means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed. \r\n\r\nFlip one off? \r\n\r\n.....I think not.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3807,
"title": "Statistics Show"
},
{
"body": "Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. \r\n\r\nSo Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house. \r\n\r\nBob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler. \r\n\r\n'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemnly.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3808,
"title": "Two Angry Neighbors"
},
{
"body": "\"Cash, check or charge?\" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. \r\n\r\n\"Do you always carry your TV remote?\" I asked. \r\n\r\n\"No,\" she replied. \"But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3809,
"title": "I Am Going to Shop"
},
{
"body": "I suggest you sit down and relax before reading this. Your sides will be aching before you finish.\r\n\r\n\r\nGarden Snakes are DANGEROUS! \r\nAuthor Unknown \r\n\r\nGreen garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.\r\n\r\nA couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.\r\n\r\nIt turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.\r\n\r\nThe husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.\r\n\r\nShe told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.\r\n\r\nHis wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.\r\n\r\nAbout that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.\r\n\r\nThe wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.\r\n\r\nHe volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.\r\n\r\nBut in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.\r\n\r\nThe neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.\r\n\r\nAn ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.\r\n\r\nThe noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.\r\n\r\nBy now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.\r\n\r\nThe ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.\r\n\r\nThe other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.\r\n\r\nTime passed...\r\n\r\nBoth men were discharged from the hospital. The house was re-built. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.\r\n\r\nAbout a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.\r\n\r\nShe shot him...",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3810,
"title": "Garden Snakes are DANGEROUS!"
},
{
"body": "Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, \"Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, Bubba, that is true.\"\r\n\r\n\"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries ... is that true, mister lawyer?\"\r\n\r\n\"Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?\"\r\n\r\n\"Cause I was thinkin' .... maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 3813,
"title": "Somewhere in the Deep South..."
},
{
"body": "JACK AND JILL\r\nWent up the hill\r\nTo have a little fun.\r\nStupid Jill\r\nForgot the pill\r\nAnd now they have a son.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3814,
"title": "JACK AND JILL..."
},
{
"body": "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB\r\nHer father shot it dead\r\nNow it goes to school with her\r\nBetween two hunks of bread.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3815,
"title": "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB..."
},
{
"body": "HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall\r\nHumpty Dumpty had a great fall\r\nAll the king's horses and all the king's men\r\nHad scrambled eggs for breakfast again.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3816,
"title": "HUMPTY DUMPTY..."
},
{
"body": "HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,\r\nthe cat did a piddle,\r\nall over the bedside clock,\r\nThe little dog laughed\r\nto see such fun\r\nthen died of electric shock.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 3817,
"title": "HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,..."
},
{
"body": "GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie\r\nKissed the girls and made them cry.\r\nWhen the boys came out to play\r\nHe kissed them as well, he's funny that way.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3818,
"title": "GEORGIE PORGY..."
},
{
"body": "THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL,\r\nwho had a little curl\r\nRight in the middle of her forehead...\r\nAnd when she was good,\r\nshe was very very good,\r\nBut when she was bad\r\nshe got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3819,
"title": "THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL..."
},
{
"body": "A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, \"Mom, what's sex?\" \r\n\r\nHis mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. \r\n\r\nWhen she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, \"Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3820,
"title": "Mom, What's Sex?"
},
{
"body": "At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, \"I know the whole truth\". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, \"I know the whole truth.\" His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says, \"Just don't tell your father.\"\r\n\r\nQuite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, \"I know the whole truth.\" The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says, \"Please don't say a word to your mother.\" \r\n\r\nVery pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, \"I know the whole truth.\" The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, \"Then come give your FATHER a big hug.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 3822,
"title": "I Know the Whole Truth"
},
{
"body": "Question: What is the best way to get rid of Irish people?\r\n\r\nAnswer: Throw a dollar off of a bridge!\r\n\r\nQuestion: What is the best way to get rid of more Irish people?\r\n\r\nAnswer: Say that no one found the dollar yet!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 3824,
"title": "The Dollar"
},
{
"body": "These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said, \"I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute.\" and off she went. \r\n\r\nFive minutes later, the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky negligee, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body. \r\n\r\nInstantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. \r\n\r\nThe female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing. \r\n\r\nHe replied, \"The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3826,
"title": "Sex Over Easy"
},
{
"body": "Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.\r\n\r\nA concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, \"What was the problem?\"\r\n\r\n\"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,\" explained the flight attendant, \"and it took us a while to find a new pilot.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3827,
"title": "Taxiing Down the Tarmac..."
},
{
"body": "\"Flight 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees.\"\r\n\r\n\"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?\"\r\n\r\n\"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3828,
"title": "Flight 2341"
},
{
"body": "A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.\r\n\r\nHe approached a uniformed policeman and said, \"I've lost my grandpa!\"\r\n \r\nThe cop asked, \"What's he like?\"\r\n\r\nThe little boy replied, \"Jack Daniels and women with big tits.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3829,
"title": "A Small Boy was Lost..."
},
{
"body": "At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word \"service\". The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms:\r\n\r\nInternal Revenue Service,\r\n\r\nPostal Service,\r\n\r\nCivil Service,\r\n\r\nTelephone Service,\r\n\r\nService Stations,\r\n\r\nCustomer Service,\r\n\r\nCity/County Public Service.\r\n\r\nAnd I became confused about the word \"service\". This is not what I thought \"service\" meant.\r\n\r\nThen one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.\r\n\r\nSHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those \"service\" agencies are doing to us...",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3830,
"title": "Service?"
},
{
"body": "It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a local Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.\r\n\r\nThe teacher said, \"Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?\"\r\n\r\nShe saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. \"Patrick Henry, 1775.\"\r\n\r\n\"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?\"\r\n\r\nAgain, no response except from Martinez: \"Abraham Lincoln, 1863,\" said Martinez.\r\n\r\nThe teacher snapped at the class, \"Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.\"\r\n\r\nShe heard a loud whisper: \"Screw the Mexicans.\"\r\n\r\n\"Who said that?\" she demanded.\r\n\r\nMartinez put his hand up. \"Jim Bowie, 1836.\"\r\n\r\nAt that point, a student in the back said, \"I'm gonna puke.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher glares and asks \"All right! Now, who said that?\"\r\n\r\nAgain, Martinez says, \"George Bush at dinner with the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.\"\r\n\r\nNow furious, another student yells, \"Oh yeah? Suck this!\"\r\n\r\nMartinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, \"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!\"\r\n\r\nNow with the class almost at mob hysteria someone said, \"You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.\"\r\n\r\nMartinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, \"Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, \"Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!\"\r\n\r\nMartinez said, \"Saddam Hussein, April 9th 2003!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3832,
"title": "History Lesson"
},
{
"body": "1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. \r\n2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. \r\n3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. \r\n4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you. \r\n5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3834,
"title": "A Women's top secrets to a GREAT relationship"
},
{
"body": "\"Can I help you?\" the madam asked\r\n\r\n\"I want Natalie,\" the elderly man replied.\r\n\r\n\"Sir, Natalie is our most expensive lady, perhaps someone else...\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" said the man, \"I must see Natalie.\"\r\n\r\nJust then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $10,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her 100 hundred dollar bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, after which the man calmly left.\r\n\r\nThe next night he appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. The madam explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts. It was still $10,000 per visit. Again, the man took out the money and the two went up to the room.\r\n\r\nWhen he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money, and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the man: \"No one has ever paid for my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?\"\r\n\r\nThe old man replied, \"I'm from Philadelphia.\"\r\n\r\n\"Really?\" replied Natalie \"I have family who live there.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I know,\" said the old man. \"Your father died; I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000.\"\r\n\r\nSo the moral here is that some things in life are certain: death, taxes, and being screwed by an attorney.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 3835,
"title": "Being Screwed By An Attorney"
},
{
"body": "We've just been notified by Security that there have been six suspected terrorists working out of your office.\r\n\r\nFive of the six have been apprehended.\r\n\r\nBin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.\r\n\r\nSecurity is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are obviously not a suspect at this time",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3836,
"title": "Not A Suspect"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:\r\n\r\n ---------------------------------------\r\n | Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 |\r\n | Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 |\r\n | Hand Job: $10.00 |\r\n ---------------------------------------\r\n\r\nChecking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.\r\n\r\n\"Yes?\" she inquires with a knowing smile, \"can I help you?\"\r\n\r\n\"I was wondering\", whispers the man, \"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" she purrs, \"I am.\"\r\n\r\nThe man replies \"Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 3838,
"title": "Cheese Sandwich"
},
{
"body": "A few interesting public/police interactions:\r\n\r\nGOOD:\r\nA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting too many. Then, he discovered the problem. A 10-year old boy was standing up the road from him with a hand-painted sign which read, \"RADAR TRAP AHEAD\". The officer then found a younger accomplice down the road with a sign reading \"TIPS\" and a bucket full of change.\r\n\r\nBETTER:\r\nA motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of the $40. The police department responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.\r\n\r\nBEST:\r\nA young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, \"I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball\". He replied, \"Highway Patrolmen don't have balls.\" There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then silently closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3840,
"title": "Police Interactions"
},
{
"body": "Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3842,
"title": "The Law of Common Sense"
},
{
"body": "Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3844,
"title": "The Law of Reality"
},
{
"body": "When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3845,
"title": "The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
},
{
"body": "Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3846,
"title": "Law of Physical Displacement"
},
{
"body": "Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3847,
"title": "Legal Rights"
},
{
"body": "Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3848,
"title": "Law of Probable Dispersal"
},
{
"body": "Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him ... get a good lawyer ...keep his house",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3849,
"title": "Law Pertaining to Divorce"
},
{
"body": "A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.\r\n\r\nIn considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, \"What took you so long?\" He smiled and then told her, \"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area... and I'm sorry, they all turned me down.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3850,
"title": "Environmentalists"
},
{
"body": "\"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.\" - Douglas Adams.\r\n\r\n\"I'm astounded by people who want to `know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.\" - Woody Allen.\r\n\r\n\"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together....\" - Carl Zwanzig.\r\n\r\n\"Computer programming is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.\"\r\n- Rich Cook.\r\n\r\n\"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.\" - Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes).",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3851,
"title": "Some Brief Thoughts on the Universe:"
},
{
"body": "A business man was driving along when he spotted a hippie thumbing for a ride. He stopped to pick him up. The hippie sat in the front of the car, bopping and snapping his fingers to some beat in his head.\r\n\r\nThe business man approached a stop sign and couldn't see clearly to his right, so he asked the hippie if there was anything coming from the right.\r\n\r\n\"Just a dog, man..just a dog\"\r\n\r\nSo the business man pulled out and CRASH!!\r\n\r\nA few days later the business man woke up in a hospital with his arms and legs hung in traction. He looked over and saw the hippie in the bed next to him, his arms and legs also suspended in traction - still bopping and snapping his fingers to some beat in his head.\r\n\r\nThe business man asked, \"Hey, I thought you said there was just a dog coming from the right!?\"\r\n\r\nSaid the hippie, still snapping his fingers in rhythm, \"Yeah man, like Greyhound! man...\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3852,
"title": "Just a Dog"
},
{
"body": "A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, \"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE.\"\r\n\r\nThat was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word \"Tampax\" for \"THUMBTACKS.\"\r\n\r\nIn a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. \"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3853,
"title": "THUMBTACKS?"
},
{
"body": "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her, after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving \"right now\", she would be punished.\r\n\r\nTo my horror, she looked me in the eye and said, in a voice just as threatening, \"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!\"\r\n\r\nThe silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.\r\n\r\nThe last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3854,
"title": "While in Line at the Bank..."
},
{
"body": "My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, \"No, I'm just looking at your nuts.\"\r\n\r\nMy sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has not let me forget.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3855,
"title": "My Sister and I ..."
},
{
"body": "I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.\r\n\r\nAfter browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, \"I think I like playing with men's balls.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3856,
"title": "I was at the Golf Store..."
},
{
"body": "This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.\r\n\r\nWhat happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...\r\n\r\nWe had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: \"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?\"\r\n\r\nNot only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3857,
"title": "What Happens When You Predict Snow..."
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3859,
"title": "An Exasperated Mother..."
},
{
"body": "One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, \"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?\" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. \"I can't dear,\" she said. \"I have to sleep in Daddy's room.\" A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, \"The big sissy.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3861,
"title": "One Summer Evening..."
},
{
"body": "When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. \r\n\r\nShe said, \"Mommy, you are getting fat!\" \r\n\r\nI replied, \"Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.\" \r\n\r\n\"I know,\" she replied, \"but what's growing in your butt?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3862,
"title": "When I was Six Months Pregnant..."
},
{
"body": "Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3863,
"title": "Gardening Rule:"
},
{
"body": "The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3864,
"title": "The Easiest Way..."
},
{
"body": "Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3865,
"title": "Never Take Life Seriously..."
},
{
"body": "There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3866,
"title": "There are Two Kinds..."
},
{
"body": "Life is sexually transmitted.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3867,
"title": "Life Is..."
},
{
"body": "An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3868,
"title": "An Unbreakable Toy Is..."
},
{
"body": "Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3869,
"title": "Health Is..."
},
{
"body": "The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3870,
"title": "The Only Difference..."
},
{
"body": "Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3871,
"title": "Health Nuts..."
},
{
"body": "Q:How many Men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\nA: 3! 1 to actually screw in the lightbulb, the other 2 need to be there so he can brag about the screwing part!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 3872,
"title": "How Many Men?"
},
{
"body": "Get the last word in: Apologize.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3873,
"title": "The Last Word"
},
{
"body": "Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3875,
"title": "Some People are Like..."
},
{
"body": "Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3876,
"title": "Why Does..."
},
{
"body": "How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3877,
"title": "How is it ..."
},
{
"body": "By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........\r\n\r\nThe article read:\r\n\r\n\"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started.\"\r\n\r\nSo I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.\r\n\r\nYou have no idea how freakin good I feel....",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3878,
"title": "Simple Advice"
},
{
"body": "The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the \"Four F's\": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. -Heard in a neuropsychology classroom",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3879,
"title": "The Hypothalamus"
},
{
"body": "Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, \"Windy, isn't it?\" \"No,\" the second man replied, \"it's Thursday.\" And the third man chimed in, \"So am I. Let's have a beer.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3880,
"title": "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
},
{
"body": "80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, \"Anyone who can guess what is in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!\"\r\n\r\nAn elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, \"An elephant?\" Bessie thinks a minute and says, \"Close enough.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3881,
"title": "Down At The Retirement Center"
},
{
"body": "\"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said.\" \r\n- David Letterman",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3883,
"title": "Hillary's Got This Huge..."
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3884,
"title": "Hillary Clinton's Book..."
},
{
"body": "\"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts.\"\r\n- Jay Leno",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3885,
"title": "In Hillary Clinton's New Book..."
},
{
"body": "\"Hillary Clinton has finished her memoirs for publication next year, while Bill has barely finished the first chapter. Well, in all fairness, Fiction is a lot harder to write.\"\r\n\r\n- Jay Leno",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3886,
"title": "Hillary Clinton Has Finished..."
},
{
"body": "\"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments.\"\r\n\r\n- David Letterman",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3887,
"title": "Hillary Clinton is the Junior Senator..."
},
{
"body": "\"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.\" \r\n\r\n- Jay Leno",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3888,
"title": "CNN Found..."
},
{
"body": "Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.\r\n\r\nHe promptly called the US Senate for assistance.\r\n\r\nThe conversation went like this:\r\n\r\n\"Good morning, this is Senator Trent Lott. How might I help you?\"\r\n\r\n\"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?\"\r\n\r\nSenator Lott, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, \"Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!\"\r\n\r\nThere was dead silence on the line for a long moment.\r\n\r\nFather O'Malley then replied: \"Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 3889,
"title": "Father O'Malley Rose From His Bed..."
},
{
"body": "Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress One leaned over and said, \"Life is so boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!\" \"You're on!\" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, following by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. \"How did you do?\" asked her waiting friend. \"Great! I just won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3890,
"title": "Two Old Ladies..."
},
{
"body": "A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.\r\n\r\nHe was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, \"What good will Viagra do him?\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor replied, \"It'll keep the sheets off his legs.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3891,
"title": "A Guy Falls Asleep..."
},
{
"body": "Two sisters are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.\r\n\r\n1st sister: \"I froze to death.\"\r\n\r\n2nd sister: \"How horrible!\"\r\n\r\n1st sister: \"It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?\"\r\n\r\n2nd sister: \"I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.\"\r\n\r\n1st Sister: \"So what happened? Tell me.\"\r\n\r\n2nd sister: \"I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.\"\r\n\r\n1st sister: \"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-- we'd both still be alive.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3892,
"title": "Two Sisters ..."
},
{
"body": "In a toilet of an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.\r\n\r\nIn a department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS \r\n\r\nIn an office: WILL THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN. \r\n\r\nIn an office lunchroom: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD. \r\n\r\nOutside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? \r\n\r\nIn health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS \r\n\r\nIn a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR \r\n\r\nAt a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR \r\n\r\nIn a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES \r\n\r\nOn a leaflet: IF YOU CAN'T READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS \r\n\r\nOn a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR; THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3893,
"title": "Signs that Tell the Story:"
},
{
"body": "BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.\r\n\r\nSEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.\r\n\r\nASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.\r\n\r\nSALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.\r\n\r\nCUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.\r\n\r\nPRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.\r\n\r\nMOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.\r\n\r\nSITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.\r\n\r\nSTRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.\r\n\r\nSWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.\r\n\r\nIRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.\r\n\r\nPERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.\r\n\r\nADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.\r\n\r\n404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message \"404 Not Found.\"\r\n\r\nGENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.\r\n\r\nOHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3895,
"title": "Essential Additions for Our Vocabulary:"
},
{
"body": "These great questions and answers are from the \"Hollywood Squares\" game show. Responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and dull as they are now. \r\n\r\nQ. Do female frogs croak?\r\nA. Paul Lynde: If you hold their heads under water long enough.\r\n\r\nQ. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?\r\nA. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.\r\n\r\nQ. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.\r\nA. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems like it sometimes.\r\n\r\nQ. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?\r\nA. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.\r\n\r\nQ. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?\r\nA. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.\r\n\r\nQ. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?\r\nA. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.\r\n\r\nQ. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say \"I Love You\"?\r\nA. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.\r\n\r\nQ. What are \"Do It,\" \"I Can Help,\" and \"I Can't Get Enough\"?\r\nA. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.\r\n\r\nQ. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?\r\nA. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.\r\n\r\nQ. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?\r\nA. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.\r\n\r\nQ. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?\r\nA. Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.\r\n\r\nQ. In bowling, what's a perfect score?\r\nA. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.\r\n\r\nQ. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camp. One is politics, what is the other?\r\nA. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.\r\n\r\nQ. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?\r\nA. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.\r\n\r\nQ. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?\r\nA. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.\r\n\r\nQ. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?\r\nA. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?\r\n\r\nQ. If you were pregnant for two year, what would you give birth to?\r\nA. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.\r\n\r\nQ. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?\r\nA. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.\r\n\r\nQ. While visiting China, your tour guide start shouting \"Poo! Poo! Poo!\" What does this mean?\r\nA. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.\r\n\r\nQ. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?\r\nA. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.\r\n\r\nQ. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?\r\nA. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.\r\n\r\nQ. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?\r\nA. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?\r\n\r\nQ. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?\r\nA. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.\r\n\r\nQ. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?\r\nA. Charlie Weaver: His feet.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3896,
"title": "Hollywood Squares"
},
{
"body": "A guy stopped at a local gas station. After filling his gas tank, hepaid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.\r\n\r\nThe other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.\r\n\r\n\"I can't stand this,\" said the man tossing the soft drink can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the workmen. \"Hold it, hold it,\"he said to the men. \"Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, we work for the government, and we're just doing our job,\" one of the men said.\r\n\r\n\"But one of you is digging a hole, and the other fills it up. You're not really accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?\"\r\n\r\n\"You don't understand, mister,\" one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. \"Normally there are three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. Because of the budget, Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me and Leroy.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3897,
"title": "A Guy Stopped at a Local Gas Station..."
},
{
"body": "This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment. \r\n\r\nBefore the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without their middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. \r\n\r\nThe longbow was a famous weapon. It was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as \"plucking the yew.\" \r\n\r\nMuch to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, \"See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!\" \r\n\r\nOver the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like \"pleasant mother pheasant plucker\", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. \r\n\r\nIt is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as \"giving the bird\". \r\n\r\nAre you not thrilled that you have someone out there that will send you educational stuff like this? \r\n\r\nHistory repeats itself - Once again the appropriate message was given to the French!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3898,
"title": "The Historical Origin Of \"The Finger\""
},
{
"body": "Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.\r\n\r\nThe inspector asked, \"What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?\"\r\n\r\nBilly Bob replied, \"I would switch the points for one of the trains.\"\r\n\r\n\"What if the lever broke?\" asked the inspector.\r\n\r\n\"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box,\" said Billy Bob, \"and I'd use the manual lever over there.\"\r\n\r\n\"What if that had been struck by lightning?\"\r\n\r\n\"Then,\" Billy Bob continued, \"I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.\"\r\n\r\n\"What if the phone was busy?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well in that case,\" persevered Billy Bob, \"I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.\"\r\n\r\n\"What if that was vandalized?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.\"\r\n\r\nThis puzzled the inspector, so he asked, \"Why would you do that?\"\r\n\r\nBilly Bob answered, \"Well, Uncle Lester ain't never seen a train wreck!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3899,
"title": "Billy Bob Wanted a Job..."
},
{
"body": "Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. \r\n\r\nShowing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, \"So, who's gonna tell the wife?\" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. \r\n\r\n\"Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.\" Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. \r\n\r\nThe wife answers and asks what he wants.\r\n\r\nGoldberg declares, \"Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.\" \r\n\r\nThe wife says, \"Tell him to drop dead!\" \r\n\r\n\"I'll go tell him,\" says Goldberg.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3900,
"title": "Six Retired Floridians..."
},
{
"body": "There were two brothers.\r\n\r\nOne was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.\r\n\r\nHis brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.\r\n\r\nThe bad brother died.\r\n\r\nHe was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.\r\n\r\nFinally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.\r\n\r\nOne day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.\r\n\r\nThe good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.\r\n\r\nSo God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother.\r\n\r\nHe was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.\r\n\r\nConfused, the good brother said to God, \"I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? it hardly seems like a punishment\".\r\n\r\nGod said unto him, \"Things are not always as they seems, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not .\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3901,
"title": "Two Brothers"
},
{
"body": "A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his medical services. He was asked if he had health insurance.\r\n\r\nHe replied in a raspy voice, \"No health insurance.\"\r\n\r\nThe nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, \"No money in the bank.\"\r\n\r\nThe nun asked, \"Do you have a relative who could help you?\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"I only have a spinster sister who is a nun.\"\r\n\r\nThe nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, \"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.\"\r\n\r\nThe patient replied, \"Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3902,
"title": "Having the Right Relative"
},
{
"body": "1.Outside a muffler shop: \"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.\"\r\n \r\n2.Outside a hotel: \"Help! We need inn-experienced people.\" \r\n\r\n3.On a desk in a reception room: \"We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.\" \r\n\r\n4.In a veterinarian's waiting room: \"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!\" \r\n\r\n5.At the electric company: \"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be.\" \r\n\r\n6.On the door of a computer store: \"Out for a quick byte.\" \r\n\r\n7.In a restaurant window: \"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.\" \r\n\r\n8.Inside a bowling alley: \"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.\" \r\n\r\n9.In the front yard of a funeral home: \"Drive carefully, we'll wait.\" \r\n\r\n10.In a counselor's office: \"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 3903,
"title": "Top 10 Funny Store Signs"
},
{
"body": "The American Dairy Association was so successful with its \"Got Milk?\" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was \"Are you lactating?\"\r\n\r\nElectrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: \"Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.\"\r\n\r\nColgate introduced a toothpaste called \"Cue\" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.\r\n\r\nWhen Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, \"Fly in leather,\" it came out in Spanish as \"Fly naked.\"\r\n\r\nCoors put its slogan, \"Turn it loose,\" into Spanish, where it was read as \"Suffer from diarrhea.\"\r\n\r\nChicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, \"It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,\" sounds much more interesting in Spanish: \"It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate.\"\r\n\r\nBacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name \"Pavian\" to suggest French chic...but \"pavian\" means \"baboon\" in German.\r\n\r\nA hair products company, Clairol, introduced the \"Mist Stick\", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.\r\n\r\nWhen Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan \"finger lickin' good\" came out as \"eat your fingers off.\"\r\n\r\nWhen Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of \"v\" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of \"sexual penetration.\"\r\n\r\nParker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, \"Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink\" into Spanish as \"Evite Embarazos - Use Quink\"...which also means, \"Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink.\"\r\n\r\nWhen Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, \"Pepsi Brings You Back to Life\" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, \"Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave.\"\r\n\r\nIn Italy, a campaign for \"Schweppes Tonic Water\" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching \"Schweppes Toilet Water.\"\r\n\r\nChinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means \"bite the wax tadpole\" or \"female horse stuffed with wax,\" depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with \"ko-kou-ko-le\" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate \"happiness in the mouth.\"\r\n\r\nNot to be outdone, Puffs Tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that \"Puff\" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.\r\n\r\nThe Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. \"No va\" means \"it doesn't go\" in Spanish.\r\n\r\nFord introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that \"Pinto\" is Brazilian slang for \"tiny male genitals.\" Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with \"Corcel\" which means horse.\r\n\r\nWhen Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later, they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.\r\n\r\nIn the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its \"Big John\" products as \"Gros Jos.\" It later found out that the phrase is slang for \"big breasts.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3904,
"title": "Lost in Translation"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the blond crash her helicopter?\r\nA: Because she was cold and decided to turn off the ceiling fan!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 3907,
"title": "Helicopter"
},
{
"body": "Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3910,
"title": "Golf ..."
},
{
"body": "If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow -- even during a hurricane! -- here is a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3911,
"title": "If You Find..."
},
{
"body": "An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3912,
"title": "An Interesting Thing About Golf..."
},
{
"body": "Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit it onto all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out, and for no reason at all, you really stink.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3913,
"title": "Golf is a Hard Game to Figure."
},
{
"body": "I play in the low 80's. If it is hotter than that, I won't play.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3914,
"title": "Scoring Golf?"
},
{
"body": "Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously, it won't work -- and both are expensive.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3915,
"title": "Golf is Like..."
},
{
"body": "In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. They shoot a six, yell fore, and write five.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 3916,
"title": "In Golf..."
},
{
"body": "A not necessarily well-prepared college student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed \"Give four advantages of breast milk.\" What to write?\" He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:\r\n\r\n1. No need to boil.\r\n\r\n2. Never goes sour.\r\n\r\n3. Available whenever necessary.\r\n\r\nSo far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly scribbled his definitive answer.\r\n\r\n4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.\r\n\r\nHe received an A.",
"category": "College",
"id": 3917,
"title": "Advantages"
},
{
"body": "Bill went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Bill's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, Bill went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.\r\n\r\nThe Consul after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Bill, \"My friend, the cost of sending of a body back to the States for burial is very very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00 dollars.\"\r\n\r\nThe Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains, normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00 dollars. Bill thinks for some time and answers the Consul, \"I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do.\"\r\n\r\nThe Consul after hearing this says, \"You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price from $5.000.00 and $150.00 dollars.\"\r\n\r\n\"No, it's not that at all,\" says Bill. \"You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person who was buried here in Jerusalem and on the third day He was resurrected. I don't want to take that chance!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3918,
"title": "Mother-in-law"
},
{
"body": "Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Cindy, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.\r\n\r\nSix hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, \"Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?\" Cindy agrees and again they make love.\r\n\r\nLater, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Cindy's shoulder and said, \"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.\" She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on shoulder to wake her up. \"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?\"\r\n\r\nHis wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, \"Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3919,
"title": "I Know How It Goes"
},
{
"body": "Sarah's grandson is playing in the water, while she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the ocean. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished. \r\n\r\nSarah holds her hands to the sky and cries, \"God, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to B'nai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?\" \r\n\r\nJust then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened. \r\n\r\nA loud voice booms from the sky, \"I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?\" \r\n\r\nSarah responded, \"Well ... He WAS wearing a hat.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3921,
"title": "Is That Too Much To Ask?"
},
{
"body": "\"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.\" - Jack Benny\r\n\r\n\"When I was born I was so surprised that I didn't talk for a year and a half.\" - Gracie Allen\r\n\r\n\"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has-been was once an are.\" - Milton Berle\r\n\r\n\"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.\" - George Burns\r\n\r\n\"You're never too old to become younger.\" - Mae West\r\n\r\n\"I hate the theatre. I also hate the sight of blood, but it's in my veins.\" - Charlie Chaplin\r\n\r\n\"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.\" - Groucho Marx\r\n\r\n\"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.\" - Lucille Ball\r\n\r\n\"I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.\" - Bob Hope\r\n\r\n\"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.\" - W.C. Fields\r\n\r\n\"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.\" - Henny Youngman",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3922,
"title": "From the Golden Age of Comedy"
},
{
"body": "A man wanted a big, ferocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.\r\n\r\nAfter they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. \"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog,\" said the buyer. \"Well, he's not bad,\" replied the owner, \"but I have something\r\nbetter in mind for you.\"\r\n\r\nThey continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. \"Ah,\" said the buyer, \"This must be the dog you were referring to\r\nearlier.\" \"Well, no.\" said the owner. \"I have something better in mind for you.\"\r\n\r\nThe men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. \"This is the dog I had in mind for you,\" said the owner. \r\n\r\nThe buyer was flabbergasted. \"You're joking!\" he exclaimed. \"This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!\"\r\n\r\n\"I know, I know,\" said the owner. \"But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 3923,
"title": "A Man Wanted a Big, Ferocious Dog..."
},
{
"body": "A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, \"Is this a union house?\" \"No,\" she replied, \"I'm sorry, it isn't.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?\" \"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00.\"\r\n\r\nMightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized, shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, \"Why, yes sir, this IS a Union House.\" \r\n \r\nThe man asked, \"And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?\" \"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.\" That's more like it!\" the UAW man said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. \"I'd like her for the night.\" \"I'm sure you would, sir,\" said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, \"but Ethel here has seniority.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3924,
"title": "A Dedicated Teamsters Union..."
},
{
"body": "One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, \"Why are you crying?\" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.\r\n\r\nThe Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. \"Is this your axe?\" the Lord asked.\r\n\r\nThe woodcutter replied, \"No.\"\r\n\r\nThe Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.?\r\n\r\n\"Is this your axe?\" the Lord asked.\r\n\r\nAgain, the woodcutter replied, \"No.\"\r\n\r\nThe Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.?\r\n\r\n\"Is this your axe?\" the Lord asked.\r\n\r\nThe woodcutter replied, \"Yes.\"\r\n\r\nThe Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.\r\n\r\nSome time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, \"Why are you crying?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!\"\r\n\r\nThe Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. \"Is this your wife?\" the Lord asked.\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" cried the woodcutter.\r\n\r\nThe Lord was furious. \"You lied! That is an untruth!\"\r\n\r\nThe woodcutter replied, \"Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.\"\r\n\r\nThe moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.\r\n\r\nThat's our story, and we're sticking to it!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3926,
"title": "When Men Lie...."
},
{
"body": "Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, \"How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?\" \"Just a minute,\" said the busy clerk. \"Vell, said Lena, \"if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3927,
"title": "Lena and Ole"
},
{
"body": "The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, \"I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support.\" \"Vell, dat's fine, Judge,\" said Ole. \"And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3928,
"title": "The Judge Had Just Awarded..."
},
{
"body": "Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, \"Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3929,
"title": "Ole is So Cheap..."
},
{
"body": "A man had a very smart dog. He tried selling it for around $45, but everybody thought it was too expensive. The man couldn't lower the price because part of the deal was to buy it a new name tag, 5 lbs. of food, and a new toy.\r\n\r\nAfter long thought he decided to get rid of the dog. He drove 20 miles out of town and dropped the dog off. When he arrived home, the dog was on the porch. He was baffled by this, so he went out of town 80 miles the next day and dropped his dog off in the woods. He went home only to find his dog on the porch.\r\n\r\nNext day he was mad, so he drove 170 miles out of town taking the most complicated way possible and dropped his dog off. He started driving around trying to find his way home, but he couldn't. He called his wife on his cell phone and asked, \"Honey, is the dog home?\" His wife responded, \"Yes, why?\" The man said, \"Put him on the phone - I need directions.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3931,
"title": "Honey, is the Dog Home?"
},
{
"body": "What is black and white and red all over?\r\n\r\n\r\nAn embarrassed zebra",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 3932,
"title": "What Is..."
},
{
"body": "Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand and on Lena's knee. \r\n\r\nGiggling, Lena said, \"Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to.\" \r\n\r\nSo Ole drove to Duluth.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3933,
"title": "Ole and Lena"
},
{
"body": "Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. \r\n\r\nLena replied, \"You just put 'Ole died.' \" \r\n\r\nThe gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, \"That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.\" \r\n\r\nSo Lena pondered for a few minutes! and finally said, \"O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' \"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3934,
"title": "Ole Died"
},
{
"body": "Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. \r\n\r\n\"Have you eaten your banana yet?\" Ole asked excitedly \r\n\r\n\"No,\" replied Lars. \r\n\r\n\"Vell, don't touch it den,\" Ole exclaimed. \"I yust took vun bite and vent blind!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3935,
"title": "Ole and Lars"
},
{
"body": "Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. \r\n\r\n\"Oh,\" said Ole, \"I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.\" \r\n\r\n\"How come?\" asked Lars \r\n\r\n\"Vell,\" Ole answered, \"because vith a clarinet she can't sing.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3936,
"title": "Ole Bought Lena a Piano..."
},
{
"body": "Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. \r\n\r\nWhile sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, \"Are you a pole vaulter?\" \r\n\r\nOle said, \"No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3937,
"title": "Ole and Lena Again"
},
{
"body": "",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 3938,
"title": "You Know You're a Redneck When..."
},
{
"body": "Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch. One lady turns and asks, \"Do you still get frisky?\" \r\n\r\nThe other replies, \"Oh, sure I do.\" \r\n\r\nThe first woman asks, \"What do you do about it?\" \r\n\r\nThe second old lady replies, \"I suck a lifesaver.\" \r\n\r\nAfter a few moments, the first old lady asks, \"Who drives you to the beach?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3940,
"title": "Two Elderly Ladies..."
},
{
"body": "Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they are born?\r\n\r\nA: It knocks the penises off of the dumb ones.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3941,
"title": "Do You Know Why..."
},
{
"body": "Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3942,
"title": "Some People Say..."
},
{
"body": "Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3943,
"title": "Now that Food Has Replaced Sex..."
},
{
"body": "Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3944,
"title": "Marriage Changes Passion..."
},
{
"body": "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with \"Guess\" on it. \r\n\r\nSo I said \"Implants?\" \r\n\r\nShe hit me.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3945,
"title": "I Saw a Woman..."
},
{
"body": "I don't do drugs. \r\n\r\nI get the same effect just standing up fast.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3946,
"title": "I Don't Do Drugs."
},
{
"body": "Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: \"Buy one dog, get one flea...\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3947,
"title": "Sign"
},
{
"body": "I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3948,
"title": "I Live..."
},
{
"body": "I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3949,
"title": "I Got a Sweater..."
},
{
"body": "If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3950,
"title": "If Flying Is..."
},
{
"body": "I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3951,
"title": "I Don't Approve..."
},
{
"body": "There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3952,
"title": "There are Two Sides..."
},
{
"body": "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3956,
"title": "I Love Being Married..."
},
{
"body": "Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3957,
"title": "Every Day"
},
{
"body": "How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3958,
"title": "How Come?"
},
{
"body": "Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3959,
"title": "Smoking Section"
},
{
"body": "Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3960,
"title": "Why is It?"
},
{
"body": "Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3961,
"title": "Snowmen"
},
{
"body": "Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: \"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3962,
"title": "Every Time"
},
{
"body": "Today is International Day of The Very Good Looking, Beautiful and Damn Attractive People, so send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received over one thousand messages and my inbox is jammed full.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3963,
"title": "Today Is..."
},
{
"body": "Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3964,
"title": "Not Only..."
},
{
"body": "Life is full of uncertainties...or could I be wrong about that?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3965,
"title": "Life Is..."
},
{
"body": "A couple of weeks ago the clouds over western Washington were moving to the west. Normally they head east, inland over the mountains to central Washington and beyond. \r\n\r\nScientists blamed the switch on mad cloud disease.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3966,
"title": "Mad Cloud Disease"
},
{
"body": "A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, \"Damn...that was fun!\"??",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3967,
"title": "Fun"
},
{
"body": "Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery. \r\n\r\nA pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. \r\n\r\nPractice safe eating - always use condiments. \r\n\r\nA Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. \r\n\r\nShotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. \r\n\r\nI used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. \r\n\r\nIf electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons? \r\n\r\nMarriage is the mourning after the knot before.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3968,
"title": "Strange Word Fun"
},
{
"body": "A hangover is the wrath of grapes. \r\n\r\nCorduroy pillows are making headlines. \r\n\r\nIs a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? \r\n\r\nDancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. \r\n\r\nBanning the bra was a big flop. \r\n\r\nSea captains don't like crew cuts. \r\n\r\nDoes the name Pavlov ring a bell? \r\n\r\nA successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3969,
"title": "More Strange Word Fun"
},
{
"body": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. \r\n\r\nA gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. \r\n\r\nWithout geometry, life is pointless. \r\n\r\nWhen you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. \r\n\r\nCondoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. \r\n\r\nReading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. \r\n\r\nWhen two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. \r\n\r\nAlarms: What an octopus is.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3970,
"title": "And More Strange Word Fun"
},
{
"body": "Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes. \r\n\r\nDockyard: A physician's garden. \r\n\r\nIncongruous: Where bills are passed. \r\n\r\nKhakis: What you need to start the car in Boston. \r\n\r\nOboe: An English tramp. \r\n\r\nPasteurize: Too far to see. \r\n\r\nPropaganda: A gentlemanly goose. \r\n\r\nToboggan: Why we go to an auction",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3971,
"title": "Final Strange Word Fun"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, \"Hi there, good looking, how's it going?\" \r\n\r\nHaving already had a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, 'Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it.\" \r\n\r\nEyes now wide with interest he says, \"No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 3972,
"title": "A Man Walks Into a Bar..."
},
{
"body": "15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS:\r\n\r\n1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.\r\n\r\n2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.\r\n\r\n3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there\r\n\r\n4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.\r\n\r\n5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.\r\n\r\n6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.\r\n\r\n7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.\r\n\r\n8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.\r\n\r\n9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.\r\n\r\n10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.\r\n\r\n11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.\r\n\r\n12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.\r\n\r\n13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.\r\n\r\n14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.\r\n\r\n15. Sadly, all men are created equal.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3973,
"title": "Mother's Advice to Her Daughter"
},
{
"body": "Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called \"Ministers Do More Than Lay People.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 3975,
"title": "Lay People"
},
{
"body": "There are only eleven times in history where the \"F\" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:\r\n \r\n11. \"What the fuck do you mean we are sinking?\"\r\nCapt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912\r\n \r\n10. \"What the fuck was that?\"\r\nMayor Of Hiroshima, 1945\r\n \r\n9. \"Where did all those fucking Indians come from?\"\r\nCuster, 1877\r\n \r\n 8 \"Any fucking idiot could understand that.\"\r\nEinstein, 1938\r\n \r\n7. \"It does so fucking look like her!\"\r\nPicasso, 1926\r\n \r\n6. \"How the fuck did you work that out?\"\r\nPythagoras, 126 BC\r\n \r\n5. \"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?\"\r\nMichelangelo, 1566\r\n \r\n4. \"Where the fuck are we?\"\r\nAmelia Earhart, 1937\r\n \r\n3. \"Scattered fucking showers, my ass!\"\r\nNoah, 4314 BC\r\n \r\n2. \"Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out?\"\r\nBill Clinton, 1999\r\n \r\nand a drum roll............!!!!\r\n \r\n1. \"Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad.\"\r\nSadaam Hussein, 2003",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3976,
"title": "When Is Fuck Acceptable?"
},
{
"body": "A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3977,
"title": "A Bicycle"
},
{
"body": "What's the definition of a will? \r\n\r\n(It's a dead giveaway).",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3978,
"title": "A Will"
},
{
"body": "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3979,
"title": "Time & Fruit Flies"
},
{
"body": "A backward poet writes inverse.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 3980,
"title": "Poet"
},
{
"body": "She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3981,
"title": "A Boyfriend"
},
{
"body": "A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3982,
"title": "A Chicken"
},
{
"body": "If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3983,
"title": "Your Exorcist"
},
{
"body": "When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3984,
"title": "A Clock"
},
{
"body": "Not to worry: the man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3985,
"title": "Fully Recovered."
},
{
"body": "The difference between the Pope and your boss.... \r\n\r\nThe Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3987,
"title": "Kiss His Ring"
},
{
"body": "My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3988,
"title": "Lightning"
},
{
"body": "The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3989,
"title": "A Path to Your Door"
},
{
"body": "It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course there's shipping and handling, too.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3990,
"title": "Death and Taxes?"
},
{
"body": "A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3991,
"title": "A Husband Is..."
},
{
"body": "My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3992,
"title": "My Next House"
},
{
"body": "A brunette said, \"I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3993,
"title": "A Brunette"
},
{
"body": "I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3994,
"title": "A New Flagpole"
},
{
"body": "I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 3995,
"title": "Sex in the Movies"
},
{
"body": "A man who had been shipwrecked on a desert island for several years is starting to feel the effects of being starved of sex for so long. However, the only living creatures on the island are a dog and a pig. One day, the man decides he's had enough and thinks to himself that it has to be the pig. But every time he approaches the sow for his moment of passion the dog bites the man's backside. This continues for several days and the man is beginning to get frustrated. But one morning, the man's luck changes: out to sea he notices a beautiful young woman on the point of drowning. He swims over, drags her out on to the beach and gives her the kiss of life. The woman comes to and is very grateful. \"Thank you so much,\" she says. \"I will do anything for you, and I mean absolutely anything.\" The man can't believe his luck and quickly replies, \"You wouldn't mind taking that bloody dog for a walk would you?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 3996,
"title": "Desert Island Dicks"
},
{
"body": "A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. 'I feel tired all the time,' he slurs, 'My head hurts, I've got a sore bum, and I'm not sleeping. What is it doc?'\r\nFrowning the doctor examines him thoroughly before standing back. \r\n'I can't find anything wrong,' he says.'It must be the drinking.'\r\n'Fair enough,' replies the drunk.'I'll come back when you're sober.'",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 3997,
"title": "Dr and the Drunk"
},
{
"body": "40-ish....................................49\r\nAdventurer.............................Slept with all your friends\r\nAthletic..................................No tits\r\nAverage looking......................Has a face like a basset hound\r\nBeautiful................................Pathological liar\r\nContagious Smile....................Does a lot of Ecstasy\r\nEducated..........................Banged her Political Science professor\r\nEmotionally Secure.................Medicated\r\nFeminist..................................Fat ball buster\r\nFree spirit...............................Junkie\r\nFriendship first................Trying to live down reputation as a slut\r\nFun......................................Annoying\r\nGentle...................................Comatose\r\nGood Listener........................Borderline Autistic\r\nNew-Age...............................All body hair, all the time\r\nOld-fashioned.......Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs\r\nOpen-minded..........................Desperate\r\nOutgoing................................Loud and Embarrassing\r\nPassionate..............................Sloppy drunk\r\nPoet.......................................Depressive Schizophrenic\r\nProfessional............................Certified Bitch\r\nRedhead.................................Bad dye-job\r\nReubenesque...........................Grossly Fat\r\nRomantic................................Looks better by candle light\r\nSocial..............Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray\r\nVoluptuous.............................Very Fat\r\nHeight/weight proportional.......Hugely Fat\r\nWants Soul mate......................Stalker\r\nWidow................................Drove first husband to shoot himself\r\nYoung at heart. .......................Old bat",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3998,
"title": "The True Meaning of Women's Ads"
},
{
"body": "40-ish.....................................52 and looking for 25-yr-old\r\nAthletic.................. .................Watches a lot of NASCAR\r\nAverage looking...........Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, &back\r\nEducated..............................Will patronize the shit out of you\r\nFree Spirit........... ...................Banging your sister\r\nFriendship first...................As long as friendship involves nookie\r\nFun.................................Good with a remote and a six pack\r\nGood looking...........................Arrogant\r\nVery good looking....................Dumb as a board\r\nHonest....................................Pathological Liar\r\nHuggable.......................Overweight, more body hair than a bear\r\nLikes to cuddle........................Insecure mama's boy\r\nMature....................................Older than your father\r\nOpen-minded....Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested\r\nPhysically fit............................Does a lot of 12-ounce curls\r\nPoet.......................Wrote ex-girlfriend's phone number on a bathroom stall\r\nSensitive..................................Cries at chick flicks\r\nVery sensitive...........................Gay\r\nSpiritual....................................Got laid in a cemetery once\r\nStable..........................Arrested for stalking, but not convicted\r\nThoughtful......................Says \"Excuse me\" when he farts",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 3999,
"title": "The True Meaning of Men's Ads"
},
{
"body": "My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. \r\n\r\nI told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. \r\n\r\nHe said, \"Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4000,
"title": "My Neighbor"
},
{
"body": "Definition of a teenager? \r\n\r\nGod's punishment for enjoying sex.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4001,
"title": "Definition"
},
{
"body": "As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4002,
"title": "As We Slide..."
},
{
"body": "Progress in airline flying; \r\n\r\nNow a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4003,
"title": "Progress"
},
{
"body": "I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4004,
"title": "I Remember"
},
{
"body": "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4005,
"title": "Flashlights"
},
{
"body": "The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. \r\n(Author unknown, but someone who's been there)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4006,
"title": "Three Best Things in Life"
},
{
"body": "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? \r\n\r\nIf a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4007,
"title": "A Dead Pilot"
},
{
"body": "A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. \r\n\r\nOnce the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, \"A dollar per point.\" \r\n\r\nThe next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.",
"category": "College",
"id": 4009,
"title": "A Bribe for Your Professor"
},
{
"body": "A little girl had just finished her first week of school. \"I'm wasting my time,\" she said to her mother.\r\n\r\n\"I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!\" \r\n--------------------\r\nOn the way home from the first day of school, the father asked his son, \"What did you do at school today?\" \r\n\r\nThe little boy shrugged his shoulders and said, \"Nothing\". \r\n\r\nHoping to draw his son into conversation, the father persisted and said, \"Well, did you learn about any numbers, study certain letters, or maybe a particular color?\" \r\n\r\nThe perplexed child looked at his father and said, \"Daddy, didn't you go to school when you were a little boy?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4010,
"title": "Kids View on School"
},
{
"body": "On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, \"You should be hung.\"\r\n\r\nI took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, \"I am, that's why she cuts the grass.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4011,
"title": "Nosy"
},
{
"body": "There was a man, let's call him Gregory. Gregory was carrying a small box, and he went to another man's house (we'll call him Jebediah) and knocked on the door. When Jebediah answered, Gregory said \"I have a proposition for you. Take this box. There is a button inside. If you press the button before I return, someone that you don't know will die. Tomorrow, I will return. If you have pressed the button, I will give you $20,000.\"\r\n\r\nGregory left the box with Jebediah. Jebediah had to consider what he was going to do. Eventually he decided that he didn't care about the person, and he pressed the button.\r\n\r\nThe next day, Gregory returned to take back the box. \"Well then, I belive that this is yours,\" he said, giving $20,000 to Jebediah. \"Thank you,\" Jebediah said. \"By the way, I'm just curious: What are you going to do with the box now?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm going to give it to someone that doesn't know you.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4012,
"title": "The Box."
},
{
"body": "An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.\r\n\r\nOne evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.\r\n\r\nHe made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, \"We're not coming out until you leave!\"\r\n\r\nThe old man replied, \"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm here to feed the alligator.\"\r\n\r\nMoral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4013,
"title": "Wisdom of the Aged"
},
{
"body": "Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.\r\n\r\nUnfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.\r\n\r\nThe angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, \"Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.\"\r\n\r\nThe angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. The angel says, \"OK, your Majesty, you may go in.\"\r\n\r\nDolly is outraged...\"What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?\"\r\n\r\n\"Sorry, Dolly,\" says the angel, \"but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 4018,
"title": "Royal Flush"
},
{
"body": "From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%?\r\n\r\nWhat does it mean to give MORE than 100%?\r\n\r\nEver wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?\r\n\r\nWe have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.\r\n\r\nHow about achieving 103%?\r\n\r\nHere's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:\r\n\r\nIf: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:\r\n\r\n1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26\r\n\r\nThen: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%\r\n\r\nand, K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%\r\n\r\nBut, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% .\r\n\r\n..And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%\r\n\r\nAND, look how far ass kissing will take you:\r\n\r\nA-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%\r\n\r\nSo, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:\r\n\r\nWhile, hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, attitude will get you there, bullshit and ass kissing will put you over the top!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4019,
"title": "Mathematical Viewpoint"
},
{
"body": "\"You certainly look cool.\"\r\n\"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4020,
"title": "Cool"
},
{
"body": "Never hold your farts in. \r\nThey travel up your spine, into your brain, \r\nand that's where you get shitty ideas from.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4021,
"title": "Farts"
},
{
"body": "A girl's legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part.\r\n-- Redd Foxx",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4022,
"title": "Best Friends"
},
{
"body": "A Pakistani guy named Abdul was ringing in flour at his grocery store, and the bag broke, covering him with flour. Abdul rushes home to take a shower. He enters his house and his wife says to him, \"Abdul, you're white, what happened to you?\"\r\nAbdul says \"I was ringing in flour, the bag broke, I go take shower.\" He runs upstairs and he runs into his son. His son says \"Daddy, you're a white man, what happened?\" Abdul said \"I was ringing in flour, the bag broke, I go take shower.\" He proceeds towards the bathroom when he is stopped by his daughter. His daughter said \"Daddy, you're all white, what happened?\" He screams \"I've only been white for half an hour, and already I hate you damn pakies!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4024,
"title": "Paki Joke (no Offense to Pakies)"
},
{
"body": "Johnny was walking down the street pulling his wagon when he stubbed his toe. He was swearing like crazy when a priest comes up to him and says \"Johnny, I wouldn't say such things, God is everywhere.\" \r\n\r\nIntrigued by the priest's comment, he questions the priest. \"Is God over there?\" he says pointing to a tree. \"Yes Johnny, God is over there by that tree!\" says the priest. \r\n\r\n\"Is god right here?\" Johnny said pointing right beside him. \"Yes Johnny God is right beside you.\" says the priest. \r\n\r\n\"Is God in my red wagon?\" asks Johnny. \"Yes Johnny, God is in your red wagon.\" says the priest. \r\n\r\n\"Is god in my basement?\" asks Johnny. \"Yes Johnny, God is in your basement.\" says the priest. \r\n\r\nJohnny screams \"You're a liar, I don't have a basement!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4025,
"title": "Red Wagon"
},
{
"body": "Q. What does HMO stand for?\r\nA. This is actually a variation of the phrase \"HEY MOE.\" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.\r\n\r\nQ. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?\r\nA . Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan! But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.\r\n\r\nQ. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? \r\nA. No. Only those you need.\r\n\r\nQ. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?\r\nA. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.\r\n\r\nQ. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?\r\nA. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.\r\n\r\nQ. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?\r\nA. Poke yourself in the eyes.\r\n\r\nQ. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?\r\nA. You really shouldn't do that.\r\n\r\nQ. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?\r\nA. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.\r\n\r\nQ. Will health care be different in the next century?\r\nA. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 4029,
"title": "Explaining HMO's"
},
{
"body": "\"My karma ran over my dogma.\"\r\n-Anonymous",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4030,
"title": "Karma"
},
{
"body": "When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.\r\nWhen you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.\r\n\r\nWhen you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.\r\nWhen you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says \"What are you going to drink?\"\r\n\r\nWhen you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.\r\nWhen you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.\r\n\r\nWhen you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.\r\nWhen you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.\r\n\r\nWhen you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.\r\nWhen you are married ....You think to yourself \"Was he ALWAYS this hairy????\"\r\n\r\nWhen you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.\r\nWhen you are married ....You tell him \"If we have sex, will you leave me alone???\"\r\n\r\nWhen you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.\r\nWhen you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.\r\n\r\nWhen you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.\r\nWhen you are married ....You wonder who will die first.\r\n\r\nWhen you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all \"mushy.\"\r\nWhen you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.\r\n\r\nWhen you are dating..... He knows what the \"hamper\" is.\r\nWhen you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.\r\n\r\nWhen you are dating..... He understands if you \"Aren't in the mood.\"\r\nWhen you are married ....He says \"It's your job.\"\r\n\r\nWhen you are dating..... He understands that you have \"male\" friends.\r\nWhen you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.\r\n\r\nWhen you are dating..... He likes to \"discuss\" things.\r\nWhen you are married ....He develops a \"blank\" stare.\r\n\r\nWhen you are dating..... He calls you by name.\r\nWhen you are married ....He calls you \"Hey\" and refers to you when speaking to others as \"She.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4031,
"title": "Dating Vs. Marriage"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?\r\n\r\nA piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4032,
"title": "Donkey and Onion"
},
{
"body": "Bin Laden is sitting with his son and they are watching the Twin Towers collapse.\r\nHis son asks him, \"Dad, which film is this?\" to which he replied, \"Son, this isn't a film, this is a series.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 4039,
"title": "Bin Laden"
},
{
"body": "Why does a blonde keep lowering her head in the supermarket?\r\n\r\nShe is looking for low prices.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4040,
"title": "Supermarket"
},
{
"body": "What does a blonde have on her when she is naked?\r\n\r\nA working uniform.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4041,
"title": "Work"
},
{
"body": "How would you drown a blond?\r\nPut a mirror at the bottom of the swimming pool",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4042,
"title": "How to Kill a Blond"
},
{
"body": "How does a blond turn the light on after sex?\r\n\r\nANSWER: She opens the car door.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4043,
"title": "After Sex"
},
{
"body": "Why does the blond take off the doors from the bathroom when she is having a wash?\r\n\r\nANSWER: So no one would look through the keyhole.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4045,
"title": "Stupid Blond"
},
{
"body": "Why is it good to have a blond in your car?\r\n\r\nANSWER: You can park on places for disabled",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4046,
"title": "Blond in a Car"
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?\r\n\r\nIt's easier to open the legs on the blonde.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4049,
"title": "Ironing Board"
},
{
"body": "What does a blond say when she is watching a porn movie?\r\n\r\nANSWER: \"Look, me!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4051,
"title": "Look"
},
{
"body": "Driving to Louisana on the interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. \r\n \r\nI looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. \r\n\r\nDarn women drivers!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4053,
"title": "And They Have the Nerve to Tell Us WOMAN DRIVERS..."
},
{
"body": "\"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.\r\n\"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.\r\n\"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.\r\n\"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.\r\n\"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4054,
"title": "Don't be on This Flight"
},
{
"body": "Why does a blond stand next to a mirror with her hands on her eyes?\r\n\r\nShe wants to see how she looks like when she is sleeping.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4055,
"title": "Mirror"
},
{
"body": "Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a tortoise?\r\n\r\nA: The blond is better on her back than the tortoise.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4056,
"title": "Differences"
},
{
"body": "A man is passing a blonde and he says, \"Where are those legs going?\" and the blonde answers, \"They are going home for now unless something comes between them.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4059,
"title": "Legs"
},
{
"body": "3 blondes caught a goldfish, and the fish said if they let her go she will grant them one wish each. The first blonde said: \"I want to be smart.\" The second said: \"I want to be smarter than her,\" and the third said: \"I want to be the smartest.\"\r\nIn the morning they woke up and the first blonde turned into a brunette, second black and the third one had become a man.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4061,
"title": "Goldfish"
},
{
"body": "Have you heard about the blonde that started writing a diary of all her thoughts?\r\nYes, after 3 years she is on the second page now.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4063,
"title": "Diary"
},
{
"body": "A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. \r\n \r\nThe pharmacist said, \"Why in the world do you need cyanide?\" \r\n \r\nThe lady explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, \"Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.\" \r\n \r\nThen the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. \r\nThe pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, \"Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4065,
"title": "A Prescription."
},
{
"body": "James came to school late.\r\n\r\nTEACHER: James, why are you late?\r\n\r\nJAMES: I had to take the cow to the bull to mate.\r\n\r\nTEACHER: Couldn't your father do that? \r\n\r\nJAMES: No, I think it's better for the bull to do it.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4066,
"title": "The Cow"
},
{
"body": "Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. \r\nDo not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. \r\nDo not walk beside me either. \r\nJust pretty much leave me the hell alone.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4068,
"title": "Walking"
},
{
"body": "The journey of a thousand miles ...\r\n\r\n\r\nbegins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4069,
"title": "A Journey"
},
{
"body": "Sex is like air. \r\nIt's not important... \r\n\r\nunless you aren't getting any.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4071,
"title": "Sex"
},
{
"body": "Never test the depth of the water with both feet.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4073,
"title": "Two Feet"
},
{
"body": "If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again...\r\n\r\nIt was probably worth it.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4077,
"title": "Lending Results"
},
{
"body": "Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.\r\n\r\nOne day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.\r\n\r\nNot wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his wife.\r\n\r\nIn a few minutes, he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it. However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4078,
"title": "Billy Joe Bob"
},
{
"body": "Some days you are the bug.\r\n\r\nSome days you are the windshield.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4079,
"title": "Some Days..."
},
{
"body": "Don't worry; \r\n\r\nit only seems kinky the first time.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4080,
"title": "Don't Worry..."
},
{
"body": "Good judgment comes from bad experience, \r\n\r\nand a lot of that comes from bad judgment.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4081,
"title": "Good Judgment..."
},
{
"body": "There are two theories to arguing with women.\r\n\r\nNeither one works.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4082,
"title": "Two Theories"
},
{
"body": "Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4083,
"title": "Learning"
},
{
"body": "We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...\r\nthen things get worse.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4085,
"title": "Born Naked"
},
{
"body": "Everyone seems normal until you get to know them",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4086,
"title": "Everyone..."
},
{
"body": "There is a fine line between \"hobby\" and \"mental illness.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4087,
"title": "Hobby"
},
{
"body": "Four girls were playing a game of tag. All of them had really long names that were hard to say, so one person thought of the idea of giving themselves nicknames.\r\nOne suggested thinking of funny names, so the really tall girl was named 'Shorty'. \r\nThe really thin girl was named 'fatty'.\r\nThe next girl was very 'girlish', so they named her 'tomboy'.\r\nThe last girl was the hardest to pick a name for, because she was not tall or short, fat or thin, a girly girl or a tomboy.\r\nFinally it came to them. Now there is Shorty, Fatty, Tomboy, and Smarty.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 4089,
"title": "Four Girls"
},
{
"body": "Roses are red,\r\nRoses are yellow;\r\nGrandfather's teeth\r\nAre lost in the Jello.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4090,
"title": "A Rhyme"
},
{
"body": "You don't have any luck at all if:\r\n\r\n-The guarantee on your used car expires two hours before the car's engine does.\r\n\r\n- You start to go bald at the same time you reach puberty.\r\n\r\n-You get your BIG break and make the football team only to trip over the bench and break your leg.\r\n\r\n-You find a ten-dollar bill and get arrested when you try to spend it because it's counterfeit.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4091,
"title": "How Can You Tell If You're One of Life's Losers?..."
},
{
"body": "Waitress: \"Would you like your coffee black?\"\r\nCustomer: \"What other colors do you have?\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4092,
"title": "Coffee"
},
{
"body": "Tex: \"My uncle can shoot a gun faster than any other man in the West. He can even shoot without removing the gun from his Holster.\"\r\n\r\nRex: \"What do they call your uncle?\"\r\n\r\nTex: \"Toeless Joe.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4093,
"title": "The Wild West"
},
{
"body": "The sheriff of a small western town was also the town veterinarian. Late one night the phone rang, and his wife answered it.\r\n\r\n\"Is your husband there?\" asked an agitated voice.\r\n\r\n\"Do you require my husband's services as a sheriff or as a veterinarian?\" She asked.\r\n\r\n\"Both,\" came the reply. \"We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4094,
"title": "Sheriff or Veterinarian"
},
{
"body": "Sam: \"Where have I seen your face before?\"\r\nPam: \"Right where it is now.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4095,
"title": "Your Face"
},
{
"body": "Doctor: \"Stop worrying so much. Forget your troubles. Throw yourself into your work.\"\r\n\r\nPatient: \"But, Doc, I mix paint for a living!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 4096,
"title": "Forget Your Troubles"
},
{
"body": "As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, \"Daddy, look at this,\" and stuck out two of her fingers. \r\n\r\nTrying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, \"Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!\" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. \r\n\r\nWhen I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. \r\n\r\nI said, \"What's wrong, honey?\" \r\nShe replied, \"What happened to my booger?\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 4098,
"title": "Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers"
},
{
"body": "Dear Lord, I pray for: \r\n\r\nWisdom, To understand a man \r\n\r\nLove, To forgive him and \r\n\r\nPatience, For his moods \r\n\r\nBecause, Lord, if I pray for Strength \r\n\r\nI'll just beat him to death",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4099,
"title": "A Woman's Prayer"
},
{
"body": "A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, \"Where did you get all that money?\"\r\n\r\n\"At church,\" the boy replied nonchalantly. \"They have bowls of it.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4100,
"title": "A Small Boy..."
},
{
"body": "This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will be able to find out where you stand morally.\r\n\r\nThe test features an unlikely fictional situation, in which you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be completely honest and spontaneous. From the gut.\r\n\r\nPlease scroll down slowly and consider the scenario carefully. This is important for the test to work accurately.\r\n \r\nYou're a freelance photographer in Florida. You are caught in a great disaster. A hurricane has caused great chaos and severe flooding. There are huge masses of water swirling around you but you somehow manage to crawl to safety on the roof of a building. The situation is nearly horrifying. But you're trying to shoot some photographs of what you see.\r\n\r\nThere are houses and people being swept away by the raging waters, certainly to be swallowed up forever. Nature is showing all its destructive power, claiming everything in its path.\r\n \r\nSuddenly you see a flailing man in the water, moving swiftly by but within reach. He's fighting for his life, trying not to be sucked under and drowned.\r\n\r\nSuddenly you realize you know this man. You look closer. Yes, you're right. You do know him. It's George W. Bush! And you know he is doomed if you don't reach out to him.\r\n\r\nYou have two options. You can save the life of the President of the United States or you can take a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph recording the tragic demise of the most powerful man in the world for all posterity.\r\n\r\nHere's the question (please search your soul and give an honest answer):\r\n\r\nWhich would you choose, color film or black and white?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4101,
"title": "This is a Test"
},
{
"body": "\"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.\"\r\n-Stephen Bishop\r\n \r\n\"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.\"\r\n- Irvin S. Cobb\r\n \r\n\"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.\"\r\n- Clarence Darrow\r\n \r\n\"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.\"\r\n- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)\r\n \r\n\"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.\"\r\n-Samuel Johnson\r\n \r\n\"He had delusions of adequacy.\"\r\n- Walter Kerr\r\n \r\n\"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.\" \r\n-Groucho Marx\r\n \r\n\"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.\"\r\n- Mark Twain\r\n \r\n\"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.\"\r\n-Oscar Wilde\r\n \r\n\"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.\"\r\n-Oscar Wilde\r\n \r\n\"He has Van Gogh's ear for music.\"\r\n- Billy Wilder",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4102,
"title": "Great Literary Taunts:"
},
{
"body": "Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said \"Hold on, Sister Margaret, not so fast!\"\r\n\r\n\"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath, I have lived for this moment!\" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.\r\n\r\n\"That is just the problem,\" replied St. Peter, \"you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong\".\r\n\r\n\"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!\" Sister Margaret pleaded.\r\n\r\n\"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there,I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished; we will discuss your situation then,\" ordered St. Peter.\r\n\r\nSister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. Saint Peter,\" she gasped, \"I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up\"\r\n\r\n\"Good!\" replied the old saint, \"Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready.\"\r\n\r\nSister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels. Saint Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down.\"\r\n\r\n\"Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong,\" said St. Peter with delight. \"Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, then call me\"\r\n\r\nA week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:\r\n\r\n\"Yo, Pete...it's Peggy...It's gonna be a while!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4103,
"title": "It's Gonna be a While!"
},
{
"body": "What do you expect from such simple creatures!?\r\nYour last name stays put.\r\nThe garage is all yours.\r\nWedding plans take care of themselves.\r\nChocolate is just another snack.\r\nYou can be president.\r\nYou can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.\r\nYou can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.\r\nCar mechanics tell you the truth.\r\nThe world is your urinal.\r\nYou never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.\r\nYou don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.\r\nSame work, more pay.\r\nWrinkles add character.\r\nWedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.\r\nPeople never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.\r\nThe occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.\r\nNew shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.\r\nOne mood, ALL the time.\r\nPhone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.\r\nYou know stuff about tanks.\r\nA five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.\r\nYou can open all your own jars.\r\nYou get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.\r\nIf someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.\r\nYour underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.\r\nThree pairs of shoes are more than enough.\r\nYou almost never have strap problems in public.\r\nYou are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.\r\nEverything on your face stays its original color.\r\nThe same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.\r\nYou only have to shave your face and neck\r\nYou can play with toys all your life.\r\nYour belly usually hides your big hips.\r\nOne wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.\r\nYou can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.\r\nYou can \"do\" your nails with a pocketknife.\r\nYou have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.\r\nYou can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.\r\nNo wonder men are happier!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4104,
"title": "WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE"
},
{
"body": "\"Why do you keep reading the Bible every day?\" the teenage girl asked her grandfather. \r\n\r\n\"Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam,\" said Granddad.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4105,
"title": "Reading the Bible"
},
{
"body": "In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.\r\n \r\nFinally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. \"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,\" he said as he surveyed the worried faces. \"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.\"\r\n \r\nThe family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, \"Well, how much does a brain cost?\"\r\n \r\nThe doctor quickly responded, \"$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.\"\r\n \r\nThe moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, \"Why is the male brain so much more?\"\r\n \r\nThe doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, \"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 4106,
"title": "Used Brains?"
},
{
"body": "10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.\r\n\r\n9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.\r\n\r\n8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.\r\n\r\n7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.\r\n\r\n6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.\r\n\r\n5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.\r\n\r\n4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.\r\n\r\n3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your\r\ndog's crate.\r\n\r\n2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored\r\nvirgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.\r\n\r\n1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4107,
"title": "TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF MARTHA HAS BEEN AROUND YOUR DOG"
},
{
"body": "The owner of a golf course in Knoxville, Tennessee was confused about paying an invoice minus his early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.\r\n\r\nHe called her into his office and said, \"You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?\"\r\n\r\nThe secretary thought a moment, then replied, \"Everything but my earrings.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4108,
"title": "You Gotta Love Tennessee Women."
},
{
"body": "A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.\r\n\r\nThe blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.\r\n\r\nHer friend asked, \"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?\"\r\n\r\n\"HellOOOooo,\" answered the blonde. \"They're watch dogs.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4109,
"title": "What to Name your Dog?"
},
{
"body": "If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. \r\n\r\nWith Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. \r\n\r\nWith WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. \r\n\r\nBut, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00. \r\n\r\nBased on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4110,
"title": "401K"
},
{
"body": "TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS\r\nYou have two cows.\r\nYou sell one and buy a bull.\r\nYour herd multiplies and the economy grows.\r\nYou retire on the income.\r\n\r\nINDIAN ECONOMICS\r\nYou have two cows.\r\nYou worship them.\r\n\r\nPAKISTAN ECONOMICS\r\nYou don't have any cows.\r\nYou claim that the Indian cows belong to you.\r\nYou ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, Britain for warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, France for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment.\r\nYou buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world.\r\n\r\nAMERICAN ECONOMICS\r\nYou have two cows.\r\nYou sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.\r\nYou profess surprise when the cow drops dead.\r\nYou put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.\r\nYou wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.\r\n\r\nFRENCH ECONOMICS\r\nYou have two cows.\r\nYou go on strike because you want three cows.\r\n\r\nGERMAN ECONOMICS\r\nYou have two cows.\r\nYou reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.\r\n\r\nBRITISH ECONOMICS\r\nYou have two cows.\r\nThey are both mad.\r\n\r\nITALIAN ECONOMICS\r\nYou have two cows.\r\nYou don't know where they are. You break for lunch.\r\n\r\nSWISS ECONOMICS\r\nYou have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.\r\nYou charge others for storing them.\r\n\r\nJAPANESE ECONOMICS\r\nYou have two cows.\r\nYou redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.\r\nYou then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.\r\n\r\nRUSSIAN ECONOMICS\r\nYou have two cows.\r\nYou count them and learn you have five cows.\r\nYou count them again and learn you have 42 cows.\r\nYou count them again and learn you have 17 cows.\r\nYou give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.\r\n\r\nCHINESE ECONOMICS\r\nYou have two cows.\r\nYou have 300 people milking them.\r\nYou claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.\r\n\r\nSRI LANKAN ECONOMICS\r\nYou have a cow and a bull,\r\nYou let the cow be president and the bull be prime minister and let them blame each other for the state the country is in.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 4111,
"title": "International Cow Economics (politically Dubious!)"
},
{
"body": "-During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor's pets.\r\n\r\n-When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him.\r\n\r\n-Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and has a lovely singing voice.\r\n\r\n-While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.\r\n\r\n-Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.\r\n\r\n-You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4113,
"title": "Signs You're the Reincarnation of Someone Famous..."
},
{
"body": "Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.\r\n\r\nShe allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with a....\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nMisdewiener",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4115,
"title": "Lorena Bobbitt's Sister"
},
{
"body": "Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.\r\n\r\nOne said to the other, \"How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?\"\r\n\r\nHis companion replied, \"It kept me up all night.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4116,
"title": "Hindu Swamis"
},
{
"body": "A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. \"My dear Lord,\" he said. \"I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies, but out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it.\"\r\n\r\nHe continued, \"I would like to know how you make it work.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, that's easy,\" was the reply. \"Many hands make light work.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 4117,
"title": "Hindu Devotee"
},
{
"body": "Carol's husband, Arnie, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was a woman's work!\r\n\r\nOne evening Carol arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished.\r\n\r\nIt turns out that Arnie had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.\r\n\r\n\"We had a great dinner. Arnie even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening.\"\r\n \r\n\"But what about afterward?\" asked her friends.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, that was perfect too. Arnie was too tired!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4118,
"title": "Too Tired"
},
{
"body": "Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: \"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?\" the reporter asked.\r\n\r\n\r\nShe simply replied, \"No peer pressure.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4119,
"title": "Peer Pressure?"
},
{
"body": "The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4120,
"title": "Easter"
},
{
"body": "I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.\r\n\r\nI'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.\r\n\r\nHave bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But...Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4121,
"title": "Florida Driver's License"
},
{
"body": "A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, \"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.\"\r\n\r\n\"Sir\", replied the doctor, \"You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?\"\r\n \r\n\"You're damned right it is!\" replied the old man. \"That's why I want it lowered!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4122,
"title": "Lower Sex Drive?"
},
{
"body": "An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.\r\n\r\nFirst, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.\r\n \r\n\"Bloomingdales!\" the rabbi exclaimed. \"Why Bloomingdales?\"\r\n\r\n \"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4123,
"title": "Bloomingdales"
},
{
"body": "1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control. \r\n\r\n2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can't legally get married because the world needs more children.\r\n\r\n3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. \r\n\r\n4. Gay marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.\r\n\r\n5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal.\r\n\r\n6. Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.\r\n\r\n7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.\r\n\r\n8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.\r\n\r\n9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.\r\n\r\n10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.\r\n\r\n11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer life spans.\r\n\r\n12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a \"separate but equal\" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4124,
"title": "12 Reasons Homosexual Marriage Should Not Be Legal"
},
{
"body": "Share Critical Information Pertaining to Credit and Risk\r\n\r\nA man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.\r\n\r\nBefore she says a word, Bob says, \"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on.\"\r\n\r\nAfter thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.\r\n\r\nWhen she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, \r\n\r\n\"Who was that?\"\r\n\r\n\"It was Bob, the next door neighbor,\" she replies.\r\n\r\n\"Great!\" the husband says, \"Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?\"\r\n\r\nMoral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in a timely fashion with your stockholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4125,
"title": "Corporate Lesson 1:"
},
{
"body": "Always be well informed\r\n\r\nA priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,\"Father, remember Psalm 129?\"\r\n\r\nThe priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. \r\n\r\nThe nun once again said, \"Father, remember Psalm 129?\"\r\n\r\nOnce again the priest apologized. \"Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.\" Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129. \r\n\r\nIt said, \"Go forth and seek. Further on, you will find glory.\"\r\n\r\nMoral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4126,
"title": "Corporate Lesson 2:"
},
{
"body": "Respect leadership hierarchy wisely\r\n\r\nA sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, \"I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one.\"\r\n\r\n\"Me first! Me first!\" says the admin clerk. \"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speed boat, without a care in the world.\" Poof! She's gone.\r\n\r\nIn astonishment, \"Me next! Me next!\" says the sales rep. \"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.\" Poof! He's gone.\r\n\r\n\"OK, you're up,\" the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, \"I want those two back in the office after lunch.\"\r\n\r\nMoral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4127,
"title": "Corporate Lesson 3:"
},
{
"body": "The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.\r\n\r\nRemembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, \"A-a-a-men!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4130,
"title": "Caught on the Job"
},
{
"body": "A farmer had been taken several times by a local car dealer. \r\n\r\nOne day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced the unit as follows:\r\n\r\nBasic Cow $ 999.95 \r\nShipping and Handling 35.75\r\nExtra Stomach 79.25\r\nTwo-tone Exterior 142.10\r\nProduce Storage Compartment 128.50\r\nHeavy Duty Straw Chopper 189.60\r\n4-Spigot/High Output Drain System 149.20\r\nAutomatic Fly Swatter 88.50 \r\nGenuine Cowhide Upholstery 170.80\r\nDeluxe Dual Horns 59.25\r\nAutomatic Fertilizer Attachment 339.40\r\n4 X 4 Traction Drive Assembly 884.16\r\nPre-Delivery Wash and Comb 69.80\r\n\r\nFarmer Suggested List Price $ 3336.26\r\nAdditional Dealer Adjustment 300.00 \r\n\r\nTotal list price\r\n (including options) $ 3636.26\r\nTax and Ear Tags 418.00\r\n\r\nTOTAL PURCHASE PRICE $ 4054.26",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4131,
"title": "THE PURCHASE By a Farmer"
},
{
"body": "\"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me,\" said a little boy who was praying for a new bike.\r\n\r\n\"Art who?\" asked the boy's mother.\r\n\r\n\"Art in heaven,\" came the reply.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4132,
"title": "Who's Art in Heaven?"
},
{
"body": "A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says \"Excuse me a minute I have to relieve myself.\"\r\n\r\nWhile out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat.\r\nHe asks the guy \"Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me.\"\r\n\r\nThe guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.\r\n\r\nThe cop asks \"What're you doing in there?\"\r\n\r\nThe guy says \"I'm making love to my wife.\"\r\n\r\nThe cop asks \"Why don't you do that at home?\"\r\n\r\nThe guy answers \"To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shone the light on her.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4134,
"title": "Shine the Light"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do babies get their belly buttons?\r\n\r\nA: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row, then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with His finger and says, \"You're done, you're done, you're done, - - -\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4136,
"title": "Belly Buttons Explained"
},
{
"body": "Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.\r\n\r\nOne of them kept complaining of family problems.\r\n\r\nFinally, the other man said: \"You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation.\r\n\r\n\"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.\r\n\r\n\"We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother, and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.\r\n\r\n\"Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.\r\n\r\n\"This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son.\r\n\r\n\"But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.\r\n\r\n\"This was nothing, until my wife and I had a baby. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother.\r\n\r\n\"This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife; I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!\r\n\r\n\"And you think YOU have family problems!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4137,
"title": "Family Problems"
},
{
"body": "An American dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.\r\n\r\nHe goes first to the German hell and asks \"What do they do here?\"\r\n\r\nHe is told \"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.\"\r\n\r\nThe man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the Chinese hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.\r\n \r\nThen he comes to the American hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks \"What do they do here?\"\r\n\r\nHe is told \"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the American devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.\"\r\n\r\n\"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?\"\r\n\r\n\"This is AMERICAN hell, that's why. Maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work; someone has stolen all the nails from the bed; and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4139,
"title": "The American Hell"
},
{
"body": "One day, after I took my dog to the vet, I stopped off at the grocery store to pick up some milk. So I left my dog in the car with the window rolled down so she could breathe. Because my dog is small, she could fit through the window of the car, but she is well trained enough to follow my commands. So I told her, \"Stay. Stay there, don't move. Staaay.\"\r\n\r\nA man loading his car with groceries next to me said, \"You know, usually, I just put it in park!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4141,
"title": "My Car and My Dog"
},
{
"body": "Practice safe eating ...Always use condiments.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4142,
"title": "Safe?"
},
{
"body": "What do you call it when you hear Vrrrrm.ERT.Vrmmm.Ert?\r\n Answer: A Blond at A Blinking Red Light.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4143,
"title": "Vrrmm.Ert.vrrrm.Ert."
},
{
"body": "I heard you got a baby.\r\n\r\nDad: Yes, and I am very happy.\r\n\r\nSo what about the wife?\r\n\r\nDad: She still doesn't know.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4144,
"title": "Baby"
},
{
"body": "Beauty is only a light switch away",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4145,
"title": "Beauty"
},
{
"body": "If life is a waste of time,\r\nand time is a waste of life,\r\nthen let's all get wasted together,\r\nand have the time of our lives!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4146,
"title": "If..."
},
{
"body": "Fighting for peace is like\r\nscrewing for virginity.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4147,
"title": "Fighting for Peace..."
},
{
"body": "No matter how good she looks,\r\nsome other guy is sick and tired\r\nof putting up with her shit.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4148,
"title": "Good Looks"
},
{
"body": "Make love, not war. \r\n\r\nHell, do both\r\n\r\nGET MARRIED!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4149,
"title": "Make Love"
},
{
"body": "A Woman's Rule of Thumb: \r\nIf it has, tires, or testicles,\r\nyou're going to have trouble with it.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4150,
"title": "Rule of Thumb"
},
{
"body": "A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, \"7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown.\"\r\n\r\nThe small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping and shaking him. He asks, \"Are you Ok?\" In a very weak voice the little guy says, \"Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?\"\r\n\r\nThe big dude says, \"When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. \"I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs. each. And my name is Turner Brown.\"\r\n\r\nThe small guy says, \"Thank God!! I thought you said Turn Around\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4151,
"title": "Turner Brown"
},
{
"body": "THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:\r\n\r\nIndubitably\r\n\r\nInnovative\r\n\r\nPreliminary\r\n\r\nProliferation\r\n\r\nCinnamon\r\n\r\nTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:\r\n\r\nSpecificity\r\n\r\nBritish\r\n\r\nConstitution\r\n\r\nPassive-aggressive disorder\r\n\r\nLoquacious\r\n\r\nTran-substantiate\r\n\r\nTHINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:\r\n\r\nThanks, but I don't want to have sex.\r\n\r\nNope, no more booze for me.\r\n\r\nSorry, but you're not really my type.\r\n\r\nGood evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.\r\n\r\nOh, I just couldn't.\r\n\r\nNo one wants to hear me sing.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 4152,
"title": "Hard Words to Say When Drunk"
},
{
"body": "This blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a \"peel and win\" sticker on her coffee cup. So, she peels it off and starts screaming, \"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!\"\r\n\r\nThe waitress says, \"That's impossible. The biggest prize is a mini-van.\"\r\n\r\nBut the blonde keeps screaming, \"I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home.\"\r\n\r\nFinally, the manager comes over and says, \"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home, because we didn't have that as a prize!\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde says, \"No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!\"\r\n\r\nSo, she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads, \"WIN A BAGEL\".",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 4153,
"title": "Win a ..."
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call a non-churchgoer?\r\n\r\nA: A Seventh-Day Absentist",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4155,
"title": "Sunday Skippers"
},
{
"body": "A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, \"What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?\"\r\n\r\nHe thought for a moment and then said, \"I would take up a collection.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4156,
"title": "Cop With a Collar"
},
{
"body": "This guy and a girl were in a golf cart and the guy drops his tees out of his pocket and the lady asks what is he doing? So, the guy says: I put my balls on them and I drive them.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 4157,
"title": "Golf"
},
{
"body": "Just in case you've had a rough day at work, here's a technique recommended in all the\r\nlatest psychological texts. \r\n\r\n1. Picture yourself near a stream.\r\n2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.\r\n3. No one but you knows your secret place.\r\n4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called \"the world.\"\r\n5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of\r\nserenity.\r\n6. The water is crystal clear.\r\n7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater...your boss...",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 4158,
"title": "Relaxation and Stress Reliever"
},
{
"body": "A teacher came into a class and told the students, \"Class we have a new student..........go on tell us your name\". \r\n\r\nThe boy replied \"I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-your-ass-from-tree-to-tree\". \r\n\r\nThe teacher said, \"What!!!!\".\r\n\r\nThe boy repeated \"I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-your-ass-from-tree-to-tree\".\r\n\r\nThe teacher said, \"Go to the principal's office\".\r\n\r\nWhen he got there, the principal said, \"Whats your name son?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-ur-ass-from-tree-to-tree,\" the boy answered.\r\n\r\nThe principal said \"What!!!!\".\r\n\r\nThe boy repeated \"I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-your-ass-from-tree-to-tree\".\r\n\r\n\"Go home and stay there for 5 days,\" the principal said.\r\n\r\nWhile he was going home, a policeman stopped him and said, \"Shouldn't you be at school?\".\r\n\r\n\"They told me to go home\" the boy replied.\r\n\r\n\"Just tell me your name,\" the police man said.\r\n\r\n\"I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-your-ass-from-tree-to-tree\" the boy said.\r\n\r\nThe police man pulled a gun and shot the boy. The boy went to hell and met the devil.\r\n\r\nThe devil said, \"Whats your name son?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm-a-bad-boy-from-tennesse-I'll-kick-your-ass-from-tree-to-tree,\" the boy answered.\r\n\r\nThe devil said \"Oh, well i'm-the-devil-from-down-below-i'll-burn-your-ass-from-head-to-toe.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4161,
"title": "What's Your Name?"
},
{
"body": "After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.\r\n\r\n\"But--where is your beard?\" asks his mother upon seeing him.\r\n\r\n\"Mama,\" he replies, \"in America, nobody wears a beard.\"\r\n\r\n\"But at least you keep the Sabbath?\"\r\n\r\n\"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath.\"\r\n\r\n\"But kosher food you still eat?\"\r\n\r\n\"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher.\"\r\n\r\nThe old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, \"Isaac, tell me--you're still circumcised?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4162,
"title": "Where is Your Beard?"
},
{
"body": "Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. \r\n\r\nThe first kid leans over and asks, \"What are you in here for?\" The second kid says, \"I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.\" \r\n\r\nThe first kid says, \"You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.\" \r\n\r\nThe second kid then asks, \"What are you here for?\" The first kid says, \"A circumcision.\" \r\n\r\nThe second kid replies, \"Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4163,
"title": "Two Kids in a Hospital"
},
{
"body": "The only thing the Internal Revenue Service has not\r\nyet taxed is the penis. \r\n \r\nThis is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is\r\nhanging around unemployed. 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off, and 10% of the time it's in the hole. It has two dependents, but they're nuts!\r\n\r\nEffective January 2004, penises will be taxed according to size. The tax brackets are as follows:\r\n\r\n10\"-12\" LUXURY TAX\r\n8\"-10\" POLE TAX\r\n5\"-8\" PRIVILEGE TAX\r\n4\"-5\" NUISANCE TAX\r\n\r\nMales exceeding 12 inches must file under capital\r\ngains. Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.\r\n\r\nPLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4164,
"title": "New IRS Tax"
},
{
"body": "How many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\nThey wouldn't, they might brake a nail!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 4165,
"title": "Cheer"
},
{
"body": "Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Milby's. \r\n\r\nThe passenger, Bubba, said, \"Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!\" \r\n\r\n\"Don't worry, Bubba,\" Earl said. \"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.\" \r\n\r\n\"What fer?\" asked Bubba. \r\n\r\n\"Just let me do the talkin', OK?\" said Earl. \r\n\r\nWell, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and each put a label on their forehead. \r\n\r\nWhen they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, \"You boys been drinkin'?\" \r\n\r\n\"No sir,\" Earl said. \"We're on the patch.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 4168,
"title": "REDNECK BEER"
},
{
"body": "A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, \"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.\"\r\nNow God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.\r\nThe next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the bills and balance the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.\r\nThen it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.\r\nAt 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.\r\nAt 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.\r\nThe next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, \"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.\"\r\nThe Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, \"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4171,
"title": "The Switch"
},
{
"body": "Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4172,
"title": "Mothers of Teens"
},
{
"body": "We child-proofed our home 3 years ago but they're still getting in!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4173,
"title": "Child-Proofed"
},
{
"body": "The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4174,
"title": "Worse Children"
},
{
"body": "Who eats cereal and plays golf?\r\n\r\nTony the Tiger Woods.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4176,
"title": "He Who Eats Cereal"
},
{
"body": "Why is it hard for dalmatians to play hide-and-seek?\r\n\r\nBecause they're always spotted!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4177,
"title": "Hide-and-Seek"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you aim a nuclear weapon at a disobedient country?\r\n\r\nSouth Korean Barbecue.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4178,
"title": "Disobedience"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a holy man that fries potatoes?\r\n\r\nA chipmonk",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4179,
"title": "Holy Man"
},
{
"body": "A farmer walks down to the Farm and Ranch Store to buy a bucket. When he gets there, they have some chickens and geese for sale, cheap.\r\n\r\nWell, the fellow picks a goose and two chickens, and gets a bag of feed. He thinks for a minute and says, \"Hey, how am I gonna carry all this home?\"\r\n\r\nThe store manager says, \"Well, put the feed in the bottom of the bucket, the goose on top, and carry a chicken under each arm.\"\r\n\r\nThe farmer gives it a try, and he starts home. A couple of blocks down the street, he runs into old Widow Smith, who's a little disoriented.\r\n\r\nShe says, \"I don't remember which way my house is.\"\r\n\r\nThe farmer says, \"Come on Miz Smith; you don't live far. Let's take this shortcut through the alley, and we'll have you home in no time.\"\r\n\r\nMiz Smith exclaims, \"Well, how do I know you won't molest me once we're in this back alley?\"\r\n\r\nThe farmer says, \"My God, woman, I got my hands full, how would I do that?!\"\r\n\r\n\"Easy,\" she says, \"Put the bucket over the goose, put the feed on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the two chickens.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4181,
"title": "Farmer and the Chickens"
},
{
"body": "A man is out playing golf one day when he whacks the ball harder then usual. It goes soaring in the air, and the golfer yells, \"FORE!\"\r\n\r\nHe runs over to find his ball, and he sees a guy holding his head in pain. The man is shouting \"I will sue you, and I will win 1 thousand dollars!\"\r\n\r\nThe golfer replies \"But I yelled 'fore,' so you can't sue me.\"\r\n\r\nThe man replies: \"Four, thats better than just one! I'll take it!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 4185,
"title": "FORE!"
},
{
"body": "\"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'\"\r\n\"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.\"\r\n\"Is it common?\"\r\n\"It's Not Unusual.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4187,
"title": "Tom Jones Syndrome"
},
{
"body": "I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.\r\n\"No,\" he said, \"the steaks are too high.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 4188,
"title": "Stakes"
},
{
"body": "What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?\r\n\r\nSanka.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4190,
"title": "Coffee??"
},
{
"body": "Keep this in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor!\r\n\r\nIn ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, \"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of our students?\"\r\n\r\n\"Wait a moment,\" Socrates replied. \"Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.\"\r\n\r\n\"Triple filter?\"\r\n\r\n\"That's right,\" Socrates continued. \"Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" the man said, \"actually I just heard about it and ...\"\r\n\r\n\"All right,\" said Socrates. \"So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?\"\r\n\r\n\"No, on the contrary ....\"\r\n\r\n\"So,\" Socrates continued, \"you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?\"\r\n\r\n\"No, not really.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" concluded Socrates, \"if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?\"\r\n\r\nThis is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.\r\n\r\nIt also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4191,
"title": "Thinking Too Much..."
},
{
"body": "Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:\r\n\r\n\"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.\"\r\n\r\nA policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:\r\n\r\n\"JESUS SAVES.\"\r\n\r\nOne of the girls asked the officer,\r\n\r\n\"How come you don't stop them?!\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, that's a little different,\" the officer smiled . . . \"Their sign pertains to religion.\"\r\n\r\nSo the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:\r\n\r\n\"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4192,
"title": "Two Prostitutes"
},
{
"body": "John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day. \r\n\r\nMary: Are you wearing it now? \r\n\r\nJohn: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line. \r\n\r\nMary: What kind is it? \r\n\r\nJohn: Twelve-thirty.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4194,
"title": "What Did You Say?"
},
{
"body": "As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: \"10 lamb chops, please.\" \r\nAmazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. \r\n\r\nAs the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the \"stop\" button, then the butcher follows him off. \r\n\r\nThe dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. \r\n\r\nThe butcher runs up screams at the guy: \"What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!\" \r\n\r\nThe owner responds, \"Genius, my ass. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4199,
"title": "Smart Dog"
},
{
"body": "You're so stupid, that you called my house and asked for my number!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 4201,
"title": "SO STUPID!"
},
{
"body": "Jacob, a three year old boy, is excited about the birth of his little sister, Olivia. One morning, Jacob's mom is giving Olivia a bath, when Jacob asks \"Mom, where's her pp?\" The mom explains that boys have pp's and girls don't. Just to make sure he understands, she brings out a magazine, and points to a girl and said \"What does she have?\" and he responds \"No pp.\" She tells him good job and points to a man and he responds \"pp.\" Then she points to George W. Bush and asks \"Whats this?\" he responds \"tough call\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4203,
"title": "Where Is....."
},
{
"body": "One day I asked my grandfather how to ice fish. He said all you need is a can of peas and a club.\r\n\r\n\"Huh?\", I said. \"How does that work?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" he said, \"After you cut the hole in the ice you just place the peas around the edge of the hole! Then you wait by the hole with your club.\"\r\n\r\n\"What does that do?\" I asked.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" he said with a grin. \"When the fish come up to take a pee, you hit him over the head with the club!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4204,
"title": "Ice Fishing"
},
{
"body": "Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. \r\n\r\nOne doctor stepped forward and said, \"I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities.\" St. Peter said, \"You can enter.\"\r\n\r\nThe second doctor said, \"I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves.\" St. Peter also invited him in.\r\n\r\nThe third applicant stepped forward and said, \"I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care.\" St. Peter said, \"You can come in, too.\"\r\n\r\nBut as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, \"You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 4205,
"title": "An HMO Manager at the Pearly Gates"
},
{
"body": "For all of us who miss those great old tunes from the 60s and 70s, there's good news! Some of our old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate maturing audiences.\r\n\r\nBobby Darin - \"Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash\"\r\nHerman's Hermits - \"Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker\"\r\nThe Beatles - \"I Get by with a Little Help from Depends\"\r\nMarvin Gaye - \"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts\"\r\nThe Bee Gees - \"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip\"\r\nThe Temptations - \"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone\"\r\nNancy Sinatra - \"These Boots Aren't Made for Bunions\"\r\nPaul Simon - \"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver\"\r\nRoberta Flack - \"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face\"\r\nABBA - \"Denture Queen\"\r\nLeo Sayer - \"You Make Me Feel Like Napping\"\r\nCommodores - \"Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom\"\r\nJohnny Nash - \"I Can't See Clearly Now\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4206,
"title": "Old Favorites"
},
{
"body": "HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?\r\nA: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb. \r\n\r\nHOW MANY EPISCOPALIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?\r\nA: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better. \r\n\r\nHOW MANY UNITARIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?\r\nA: The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement:\r\n\"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a lightbulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that lightbulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your lightbulb, and present it next month at our annual lightbulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of lightbulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.\"\r\n\r\nHOW MANY PENTECOSTALS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?\r\nA: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 4207,
"title": "My Favorite Lightbulb Jokes"
},
{
"body": "What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?\r\n\r\nYou can drop her off anywhere.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4208,
"title": "Dating"
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?\r\n\r\nOutlaws are wanted.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4209,
"title": "In-laws vs Outlaws"
},
{
"body": "What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?\r\n\r\nWhatever she wants. He's sleeping.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4210,
"title": "Sleeping?"
},
{
"body": "A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Mobile, Alabama to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, \"I want my $20 million.\"\r\n\r\nThe man replied, \"No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.\"\r\n\r\nThe Redneck said, \"Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.\"\r\n\r\nAgain, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.\r\n\r\nThe Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, \"Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 4212,
"title": "Lottery Ticket"
},
{
"body": "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4213,
"title": "SeatBelt"
},
{
"body": "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4214,
"title": "Favorite Child"
},
{
"body": "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4215,
"title": "No Children or Spouses"
},
{
"body": "One day, a teacher at an elementary school asks one of her students how clouds form.\r\nShe replied \"I'm not sure how clouds form, but the clouds know how to form, and that's the important thing....\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4216,
"title": "How Clouds are Formed"
},
{
"body": "A young boy asked his mother, \"Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?\" \r\n\r\n\"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?\" replied his mother. \r\n\r\nThe young boy answered, \"The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he'd like to screw the tail off his secretary.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4217,
"title": "Can People be Taken Apart Like Machines???"
},
{
"body": "What starts with B, has 2 E's, and ends in R????\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBirthday Cheer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4219,
"title": "Birthday Card"
},
{
"body": "A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes his chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, \"Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!\"\r\n\r\nThe guy flying up looks down and yells, \"No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4221,
"title": "Flying Without a Parachute"
},
{
"body": "Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.\r\n\r\nDefense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.\r\n\r\nDrooling: How teething babies wash their chins.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4222,
"title": "Mother's Dictionary"
},
{
"body": "File description: This high school math exam gives you insight into life in a crime-filled society.\r\n\r\n\r\nCity of Los Angeles\r\nHigh School Math Proficiency Exam\r\n\r\nName:____________________\r\nGang:________________________\r\n\r\n1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?\r\n\r\n2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?\r\n\r\n3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?\r\n\r\n4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?\r\n\r\n5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?\r\n\r\n6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?\r\n\r\n7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?\r\n\r\n8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?",
"category": "College",
"id": 4223,
"title": "L.A. Math Test"
},
{
"body": "Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are quite excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.\r\n\r\nJacob addresses the man behind the counter. \"Are you the owner?\"\r\n\r\nThe pharmacist answers, \"Yes.\"\r\n\r\nJacob: \"We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?\"\r\n\r\nPharmacist: \"Of course we do.\"\r\n\r\nJacob: \"How about medicine for circulation?\"\r\n\r\nPharmacist: \"Many kinds.\"\r\n\r\nJacob: \"Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?\"\r\n\r\nPharmacies: \"Definitely.\"\r\n\r\nJacob: \"How about Viagra?\"\r\n\r\nPharmacist: Hesitates slightly but answers, \"Of course.\"\r\n\r\nJacob: \"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?\"\r\n\r\nPharmacist: \"Yes, a large variety.\"\r\n\r\nJacob: \"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's?\"\r\n\r\nPharmacist: \"Absolutely!\"\r\n\r\nJacob: \"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?\"\r\n\r\nPharmacist: \"All speeds and sizes.\"\r\n\r\nJacob turns and confers with his wife to be and then says to the pharmacist,\r\n\r\n\"We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4225,
"title": "Gift Registry"
},
{
"body": "Makes one think, and puts things in perspective :\r\n\r\nDiet Snapple....16 oz $1.29........$10.32 per gallon\r\nLipton Ice Tea..16 oz $1.19........$ 9.52 per gallon\r\nGatorade........20 oz $1.59...... $10.17 per gallon\r\nOcean Spray.....16 oz $1.25.......$10.00 per gallon\r\nBrake Fluid.....12 oz $3.15 ..... $33.60 per gallon\r\nVick's Nyquil... 6 oz $8.35 .....$178.13 per gallon\r\nPepto Bismol.....4 oz $3.85......$123.20 per gallon\r\nWhiteout........ 7 oz $1.39...... $25.42 per gallon\r\nScope ........ 1.5 oz $0.99.......$84.48 per gallon\r\n\r\nand this is the REAL KICKER......\r\n\r\n>Evian water 9 oz for $1.49...... $21.19 per gallon.\r\n\r\n$21.19 FOR WATER! ....and the buyers don't even know the source. Yes, and the name Evian, is Naive turned around, and the Canadians are selling it by the millions of gallons to the US.\r\n\r\nSo, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!!\r\n\r\nJust a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump....!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4226,
"title": "You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive?"
},
{
"body": "After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4227,
"title": "Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:"
},
{
"body": "If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4228,
"title": "Lowery's Law of Home Repair:"
},
{
"body": "Interchangeable parts aren't.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4229,
"title": "Beach's Law"
},
{
"body": "The one item you need is always in short supply.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4230,
"title": "Lane's Law of Supply and Demand:"
},
{
"body": "Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4231,
"title": "Col. Murphy's Law of Combat:"
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken cross the road?\r\nTo show the armadillo that it was possible.\r\n\r\nWhy did the chicken cross the road?\r\nTo get away from Colonel Sanders!\r\n\r\nWhy did the chicken cross the road twice?\r\nBecause it was a double-crosser.\r\n\r\nWhy did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?\r\nTo take over the other side.\r\n\r\nWhy did the chicken cross the playground?\r\nTo get to the other slide.\r\n\r\nWhy did the chicken cross the beach?\r\nTo get to the other tide.\r\n\r\nWhy did the dinosaur cross the road?\r\nChickens hadn't evolved yet.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4232,
"title": "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?"
},
{
"body": "1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.\r\n\r\n2. The bears' exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.\r\n\r\n3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.\r\n\r\n4. The zookeeper always wants to take the rhino for a walk.\r\n\r\n5. The lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.\r\n\r\n6. The alligator in the reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's mascot.\r\n\r\n7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.\r\n\r\n8. Ask the tour guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the tigers' den.\r\n\r\n9. The elephant appear to be two guys in a two part elephant suit.\r\n\r\n10. Two words: hippo dogs!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4233,
"title": "Ten Signs You Know You're At A Bad Zoo"
},
{
"body": "1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m. \r\n\r\n2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her. \r\n\r\n3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet. \r\n\r\n4. The cats have every right to be in the living room. \r\n\r\n5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid \r\n\r\n6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk \r\n\r\n7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can. \r\n\r\n8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once. \r\n\r\n9. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4234,
"title": "Nine Things Dogs Don't Understand"
},
{
"body": "I know this isn't too funny, but it's one of those simple ones that put a smile on your face.\r\n\r\n\r\nQ: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?\r\nA: Holes all over Australia.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?\r\nA: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.\r\n\r\nQ: Why did the elephant cross the road?\r\nA: Chicken's day off.\r\n\r\nQ: Why do elephants have trunks?\r\nA: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.\r\n\r\nQ: Why do elephants drink so much?\r\nA: To try to forget.\r\n\r\nQ: How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?\r\nA: He pulls out his Diners' Club card.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you get when two giraffes collide?\r\nA: A giraffic jam.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4235,
"title": "Question and Answer Animal Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Sherlock Holmes stood at the Gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awaiting his turn. \"I'll let you in,\" said St. Peter, gesturing toward the heavenly throngs behind him, \"if you'll tell me who among these was the first mortal.\"\r\n\r\n\"Elementary, my dear St. Peter,\" said the great detective, \"he's the one without a bellybutton.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4239,
"title": "Sherlock Holmes in Heaven"
},
{
"body": "Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. \"How was he killed?\" asked one detective. \r\n\r\n\"With a golf gun.\" answered the other detective. \r\n\r\n\"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?\" asked the first detective.\r\n\r\n\"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 4240,
"title": "A Pun in One"
},
{
"body": "A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along. \"They're all fine,\" Moshe said, \"Except my uncle. He's very sick.\"\r\n\r\n\"Your uncle is not sick,\" the faith healer said. \"He THINKS he's sick.\"\r\n\r\nTwo weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street. \"How is your uncle getting along?\" he asked.\r\n\r\nMoshe shrugged, \"He THINKS he's dead.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4241,
"title": "Taking Faith Healing Too Far"
},
{
"body": "Defense Attorney: What is your age?\r\nLittle old Woman: I am 86 years old.\r\nDefense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?\r\nLittle old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.\r\nDefense Attorney: Did you know him?\r\nLittle old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.\r\nDefense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?\r\nLittle old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.\r\nDefense Attorney: Did you stop him?\r\nLittle old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.\r\nDefense Attorney: Why not?\r\nLittle old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.\r\nDefense Attorney: What happened next?\r\nLittle old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.\r\nDefense Attorney: Did you stop him then?\r\nLittle old Woman: No, I did not stop him.\r\nDefense Attorney: Why not?\r\nLittle old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!\r\nDefense Attorney: What happened next?\r\nLittle old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him...\"Take me ...young man...Take me!\"\r\nDefense Attorney: Did he take you?\r\nLittle old Woman: He jumped up and yelled, April Fools, ...And that's when I shot the little bastard.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4250,
"title": "CROSS EXAMINATION"
},
{
"body": "One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.\r\n\r\n\"Hello? Hello?\"\r\n\r\nJesus replied, \"Who is it?\"\r\n\r\n\"Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son,\" the old man replied.\r\n\r\nJesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, \"Joseph?\"\r\n\r\nThe voice answered back, \"Pinocchio?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4251,
"title": "The Carpenter's Son"
},
{
"body": "You may know they've released John Hinckley from the mental facility for unsupervised visits to his parents' home on weekends. For those of you who may be too young to remember, John Hinckley shot President Ronald Reagan to impress the actress Jodie Foster. This is such a nice letter from the President:\r\n\r\nTHE WHITE HOUSE\r\nWASHINGTON D.C.\r\n\r\nMr. John Hinckley\r\nSt. Elizabeth's Hospital\r\nWashington, DC\r\n\r\nDear John:\r\n\r\nLaura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress in recovery from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital reports that you are doing fine.\r\n\r\nI have decided to seek a second term in office as your president and I would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents. I would hope that if there is anything that you need at the hospital, you would let us know.\r\n\r\nBy the way, are you aware that John Kerry is screwing Jody Foster?\r\n\r\nSincerely,\r\n\r\nGeorge W. Bush\r\nPresident",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 4252,
"title": "John Hinckley"
},
{
"body": "Very stinky I can be.\r\nAnd a wet hole is all you see.\r\nGive me a rod and I'm happy.\r\nIn the silence I can queef.\r\nNo one thinks they're eating beef.\r\nAnd please oh please don't use teeth.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 4254,
"title": "Whew"
},
{
"body": "A silent Order of Monks is allowed to eat only porridge and speak just once a month. One month, Friar Albert stood up and said, \"I hate porridge.\" A month of silence passes by and Friar Barnaby stands to say, \"I like porridge.\" Another silent month goes by when Head Master Geoff rises and says...\r\n\r\n\"Would you two stop this constant bickering!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4255,
"title": "Order of Monks"
},
{
"body": "Three ministers are talking over lunch and before long find themselves discussing how much of the weekly offering is appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord.\r\n\r\nThe first minister says, \"I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on each side, and throw the money into the air. Whatever lands on the right side of the line is God's and whatever lands on the left is mine.\" \r\n\r\nThe second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but \"I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine.\"\r\n\r\nThey both contemplate each other's answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything. \"Well, how do you do it?\" asks the first to the third. \r\n\r\n\"Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, he'll grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4256,
"title": "Up For Grabs"
},
{
"body": "\"I Give Evolution Two Opposable Thumbs Up.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4257,
"title": "A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:"
},
{
"body": "#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.\r\n\r\n#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for one when you're on the road.\r\n\r\n#8 - If you admire a friends handgun and tell him so, he'll probably let you try it out a few times.\r\n\r\n#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for backup.\r\n\r\n#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.\r\n\r\n#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.\r\n\r\n#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.\r\n\r\n#3 - A handgun doesn't ask, \"Do these new grips make me look fat?\"\r\n\r\n#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.\r\n\r\nAnd, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman\r\n\r\n#1 - You can buy a silencer for a handgun.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4258,
"title": "Men Favor Handguns Over Women..."
},
{
"body": "Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- firefighter, police officer, sales rep, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.\r\n\r\n\"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret, and takes off all his clothes in front of other men, and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy and make love with him for money.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly sent the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, \"Is that really true about your father?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" said David, \"He actually works for the \"RE-ELECT BUSH\" Organization, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 4259,
"title": "Too Embarrassed"
},
{
"body": "The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was probably having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and that this would reflect badly on the whole family, she consulted the family doctor.\r\n\r\nThe doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He recommended that she arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.\r\n\r\nThat evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about her visit to the doctor and handed her a box of condoms.\r\n\r\nThe girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying:\r\n\r\n\"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4260,
"title": "Oh Mom!"
},
{
"body": "A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.\r\n\r\nThe pilot comes on the intercom, \"This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay.\"\r\n\r\nHe forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, \"Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" says the skipper, \"first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner..... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night.\"\r\n\r\nEveryone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.\r\n\r\nThe old lady leans over and says: \"No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4261,
"title": "Take a Crap First"
},
{
"body": "Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position;\r\n\r\n1. a Japanese Samurai\r\n2. a Chinese Samurai\r\n3. a Jewish Samurai (You snicker!? It is, apparently, possible!)\r\n\r\nThe emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.\r\n\r\nThe emperor exclaimed \"That is very impressive!\"\r\n\r\nThe emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.\r\n\r\nThe emperor exclaimed: \"That is VERY impressive!\"\r\n\r\nNow the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.\r\n\r\nThe emperor, obviously disappointed, said: \"Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?\"\r\n\r\nThe Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: \"Circumcision is not meant to kill.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4262,
"title": "The Jewish Samurai"
},
{
"body": "Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder\r\n1. The DNA is all the same.\r\n2. There are no dental records.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 4265,
"title": "A Redneck Murder"
},
{
"body": "A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.\r\n\r\n\"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,\" he answered.\r\n\r\n\"What did he say?\" asked the nurse.\r\n\r\n\"OOPS!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 4266,
"title": "OOPS"
},
{
"body": "Nothing has really changed, even though we think we've gotten smarter, and technologically advanced. We've just gone back to square one!\r\n\r\n\"Doctor, I have an ear ache.\"\r\n\r\n2000 B.C. - \"Here, eat this root.\"\r\n1000 B.C. - \"That root is heathen, say this prayer.\"\r\n1850 A.D. - \"That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.\"\r\n1940 A.D. - \"That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.\"\r\n1985 A.D. - \"That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.\"\r\n2004 A.D. - \"That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 4268,
"title": "A Short History Of Medicine"
},
{
"body": "1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.\r\n\r\n2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.\r\n\r\n3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.\r\n\r\n4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.\r\n\r\n5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.\r\n\r\n6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.\r\n\r\n7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial \"9\" to get an outside line.\r\n\r\n8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.\r\n\r\n10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.\r\n\r\n11. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.\r\n\r\n12. You read this entire list, and keep nodding and smiling.\r\n\r\n13. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your \"friends.\"\r\n\r\n14. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.\r\n\r\n15. You are too busy to notice there was no #9\r\n\r\n16. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9\r\n\r\nAND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING AT YOURSELF",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4269,
"title": "You Know You're Living in 2004 When..."
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call a sheep that does karate?\r\nA: A lamb chop",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4271,
"title": "What Do You Call a Sheep..."
},
{
"body": "Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?\r\nA: They all have phones.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4272,
"title": "Why are There So Many Smiths..."
},
{
"body": "Why are Democrats better than Republicans in bed?\r\nYou've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant, have you?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4273,
"title": "Why are Democrats Better..."
},
{
"body": "1. Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!\r\n 2. Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no Child a Dime!\r\n 3. Bush/Cheney '04: Because the Truth Just isn't Good Enough.\r\n 4. Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer!\r\n 5. Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism\r\n 6. Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no Billionaire Behind\r\n 7. Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the \"con\" in conservatism\r\n 8. Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not Paying Attention\r\n 9. Bush/Cheney '04: The Last Vote You'll Ever Have to Cast\r\n10. Bush/Cheney '04: This Time, Elect Us!\r\n11. Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars\r\n12. Bush/Cheney '04: Asses of Evil\r\n13. Bush/Cheney '04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile\r\n14. Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now!\r\n15. Vote Bush in '04: Because Dictatorship is Easier\r\n16. George W. Bush: A Brainwave away from the Presidency\r\n17. George W. Bush: It Takes a Village Idiot\r\n18. Don't Think. Vote Bush!\r\n19. BU_ _SH_ _!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 4274,
"title": "Bush's Campaign Bumper Stickers"
},
{
"body": "1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. \r\n\r\n2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. \r\n\r\n3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. \r\n\r\n4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. \r\n\r\n5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. \r\n\r\n6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. \r\n\r\n7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. \r\n\r\n8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. \r\n\r\n9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. \r\n\r\n10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. \r\n\r\n11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. \r\n\r\n12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down. \r\n\r\n13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table. \r\n\r\n14. Arrange for vet to make a house call.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4275,
"title": "INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL"
},
{
"body": "\"God give me patience....And make it quick!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4276,
"title": "Bumper Sticker:"
},
{
"body": "A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend has a huge penis.\r\n\r\n\"Damn Bob, you're hung!\" Jim exclaims.\r\n\r\n\"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it.\"\r\n\r\n\"What do you mean?\" Jim asked.\r\n\r\n\"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it.\"\r\n\r\nJim agrees and the two say good bye.\r\n\r\nA few weeks later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.\r\n\r\nJim replied, \"I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!\"\r\n\r\n\"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco.\"\r\n\r\n\"Crisco?\" Bob exclaimed, \"No wonder, man, Crisco's shortening!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4277,
"title": "Butter"
},
{
"body": "A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.\r\n\r\nOne day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.\r\n\r\nSeven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.\r\n\r\n\"Wellll,\" he says, in a fine Irish brouge, \"Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation.\"\r\n\r\nReverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, \"WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word.\"\r\n\r\nThey both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.\r\n\r\nThe rabbi looks up and says, \"Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4278,
"title": "Saving a Bear"
},
{
"body": "A young couple decide to have sex for the first time so they go to the store to buy condoms. They find a popular brand and bring it to the register. The price on the box is $1.00 but when the cashier totals up the price it comes to $1.07. The couple asks what the extra 7 cents is for. The cashier replies back \"tax.\" Then the young man says \"I was wondering what held it on.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4280,
"title": "First Condom"
},
{
"body": "Your mama is so flat chested, the last time she had a breast was in a bucket at KFC.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4281,
"title": "Flat Chested"
},
{
"body": "A Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says: \"Make me one with everything.\"\r\n\r\nHe gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits. Finally he says: \"Where's my change?\"\r\n\r\nSays the vendor: \"All change must come from within.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4283,
"title": "The Buddhist Hotdog Vendor"
},
{
"body": "One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out, so he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.\r\n\r\nWhen he returned, he told God, \"Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.\" God thought for a moment and said, \"Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.\"\r\n\r\nSo God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, \"Yes, it's true, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.\"\r\n\r\nGod was not pleased, so He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the Email said? \r\n\r\nJust wondering, I didn't get one either.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4284,
"title": "Email From God"
},
{
"body": "Q: What does the tooth fairy give for half a tooth?\r\n\r\nA: Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 4285,
"title": "Tooth Fairy"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you get when you cross a Scottish sheep with a Peruvian Mountain Goat? \r\n\r\nA: The Dolly Llama.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4286,
"title": "What Do You Get When You Cross a Scottish..."
},
{
"body": "A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, \"Religion?\" The man says, \"Methodist.\" St. Peter looks down his list, and says, \"Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.\" \r\n\r\nAnother man arrives at the gates of heaven. \"Religion?\" \"Baptist.\" \"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.\"\r\n\r\nA third man arrives at the gates. \"Religion?\" \"Jewish.\" \"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.\" The man says, \"I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?\" St. Peter tells him, \"Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4288,
"title": "Shhhhh!"
},
{
"body": "A father, angry at his son for not doing well at school tells him, \"At your age, George Washington was the best student in his class.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yeah dad...\" replies the kid...\"and at yours, he was the President of the United States!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4290,
"title": "President of the United States"
},
{
"body": "A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites.\r\n\r\n\"Do you reject the devil?\" asked the priest.\r\n\r\n\"This is no time to be making enemies,\" replied the author.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4292,
"title": "Enemies"
},
{
"body": "LOVE: A word involving four letters, two vowels, two consonants and two idiots. It refers to a disease that can be cured by marriage.\r\n\r\nARCHITECT: A guy not \"macho\" enough to be an engineer and not queer enough to be an interior designer.\r\n\r\nTO DANCE: It refers to the vertical frustration of a horizontal desire.\r\n\r\nBRAIN: An organ that allows us to think we think.\r\n\r\nBOY SCOUT: A child dressed like an idiot guided by an idiot dressed like a child.\r\n\r\nHEADACHE: A woman's most trustworthy modern contraceptive.\r\n\r\nBUST: Statue of a man without hands or the parts of a woman where a man's hands have been.\r\n\r\nORAL EXAM: A test you must pass to become an intern in the White house.\r\n\r\nA POLITICAL CANDIDATE: A person who gets money form the rich and votes from the poor in order to protect them from each other.\r\n\r\nTONGUE: A sexual organ that some degenerates use in order to speak.\r\n\r\nPRIEST: A person everyone calls \"Father\" except for his own children, who call him \"Uncle\".\r\n\r\nEASY: It is said of a woman who has the sexual morality of a man.\r\n\r\nMAN: A living thing who at the age of nine months emerges from a place to which we will try to return for the rest of this life.\r\n\r\nINTELLECTUAL: A person capable of thinking for more than one hour about anything other than sex.\r\n\r\nMODESTY: Knowing you are perfect without telling anyone.\r\n\r\nNYMPHOMANIA: A term describing any woman who wants to have sex more often than a man.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4293,
"title": "Definitions of the Spanish Royal Academy of the Language"
},
{
"body": "The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. \r\n\r\n\"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here.\" \r\n\r\nThe General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. \r\n\r\n\"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here.\" \r\n\r\nThe General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A tenth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. \r\n\r\n\"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but...\" \r\n\r\n\"Let me guess,\" the General interrupted, \"it broke down.\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" said the G.I., \"there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4294,
"title": "Giving Very Odd Excuses"
},
{
"body": "A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. \r\n\r\nHe rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. \"Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!\" \r\n\r\nThe driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, \"Yes, I have a phone.\" \r\n\r\nThe driver of the Yugo said, \"Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!\" \r\n\r\nThe driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, \"Yes, I have a refrigerator.\" \r\n\r\nThe driver of the Yugo said, \"That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!\" \r\n\r\nThe driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, \"Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!\" \r\n\r\nThe driver of the Yugo said, \"Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!\" \r\n\r\nThe driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce. \r\n\r\nThe next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night. \r\n\r\nIt was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out. \r\n\r\n\"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,\" the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. \r\n\r\nThe driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, \"You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4295,
"title": "Rolls-Royce Vs. Yugo"
},
{
"body": "A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.\r\n\r\nAfter several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.\r\n\r\nThe gentleman said \"Stop or slow down, what's the difference?\"\r\n\r\nThe cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, \"Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4296,
"title": "Debate the Stop Sign"
},
{
"body": "~~You Know You're Having a Bad Day When... ~~\r\n\r\n\r\n1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists. \r\n\r\n2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned. \r\n\r\n3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday. \r\n\r\n4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. \r\n\r\n5.You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold. \r\n\r\n6.You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning. \r\n\r\n7.Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party. \r\n\r\n8. Your income tax refund check bounces. \r\n\r\n9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. \r\n\r\n\r\n10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together. \r\n\r\n11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband. \r\n\r\n12. Your mother approves of the person you're dating. \r\n\r\n13. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate. \r\n\r\n14. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future. \r\n\r\n15. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25. \r\n\r\n16. You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch. \r\n\r\n17. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any. \r\n\r\n18. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4297,
"title": "Having a Very Bad Day"
},
{
"body": "WIFE : \" I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day.\"\r\n\r\nHUSBAND : \" I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4299,
"title": "If Wives Were Newspapers..."
},
{
"body": "What do fish paint with?\r\n\r\nWater colours!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4301,
"title": "Fish Artists"
},
{
"body": "Where do fish keep their life savings?\r\n\r\nAt the river bank!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4302,
"title": "Deposit"
},
{
"body": "There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death.\r\n\r\nUnfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.\r\n\r\nAt the seance, she called out, \"John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?\"\r\n\r\nA ghostly voice answered her, \"Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.\"\r\n\r\nMartha tearfully asked, \"Oh John, what is it like where you are?\"\r\n\r\n\"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.\"\r\n\r\n\"What do you do all day?\" asked Martha.\r\n\r\n\"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.\"\r\n\r\nMartha was somewhat taken aback. \"Is that what heaven really is like?\"\r\n\r\n\"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, then, where are you?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm a rabbit in Arizona.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4307,
"title": "Reincarnation Surprise"
},
{
"body": "If someone leads but no one follows... are they just out for a walk? \r\n\r\nIs it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them? \r\n\r\nCrime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime? \r\n\r\nWhy is it that normal people are the ones you don't know? \r\n\r\nWhy is it that when our kids are naughty we ask \"Do you want a spanking?\" What are they going to say, \"Yes please, may I have two?\"... \r\n\r\nWhy is it you get a penny for your thoughts but have to put in your two cents worth? \r\n\r\nMay I refuse to inherit the earth? \r\n\r\nPractice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4308,
"title": "Life's Unanswered Questions...."
},
{
"body": "Two men were talking.\r\n\"So, how's your sex life?\"\r\n\"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.\"\r\n\"Social Security sex?\"\r\n\"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4309,
"title": "SOCIAL SECURITY:"
},
{
"body": "A wife went in to see a therapist and said, \"I've got a big problem, doctor.\r\nEvery time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.\"\r\n\r\n\"My dear,\" the shrink said, \"that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.\"\r\n\r\n\"The problem is,\" she complained, \"It wakes me up!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4310,
"title": "LOUD:"
},
{
"body": "Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, \"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?\"\r\n\r\nShe glanced at him casually and replied, \"You're never home!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4311,
"title": "QUIET:"
},
{
"body": "A man was in a terrible accident, and his \"manhood\" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for \"small\", $6,500 for \"medium\", $14,000 for \"large.\" The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.\r\n\r\nThe man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.\r\n\r\nThe doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. \"Well, what have the two of you decided?\" asked the doctor.\r\n\r\nThe man answered, \"She'd rather remodel the kitchen\".",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4312,
"title": "CONFOUNDED:"
},
{
"body": "Two women friends had gone for a Girls' Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. After finishing, they made off for home.\r\n\r\nThe next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said; \"These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.\" \"That's nothing,\" said the other, \"mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said;\r\n\r\n\"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4313,
"title": "Girls' Night Out"
},
{
"body": "Ole and Sven are neighbors in Minnesota. Ole is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in Wisconsin. He drives over to Wisconsin, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway and take it home. He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, \"Come here and look at dis new cow I yust\r\nbought. Pull her teat and see vat happens dere.\" Sven reaches under and pulls; the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, \"You bought dis cow over dere in Visconsin, yah?\" Ole is very surprised and says, \"Yah, dats right, how did you know dat?\" Sven says, \"My vife is from Visconsin!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4314,
"title": "Ole and Sven"
},
{
"body": "People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.\r\n \r\nNever read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.\r\n \r\nIf you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your ass will get soaking wet.\r\n \r\nThe only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.\r\n \r\nThe trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.\r\n \r\nTo err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely\r\n \r\nDo you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?\r\n \r\nMoney can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.\r\n \r\nDrinking makes some husbands see double and feel single..\r\n \r\nLiving in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.\r\n \r\nAfter a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4315,
"title": "WORDS OF WISDOM"
},
{
"body": "Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?\r\n\r\nA: He enters Nerdvana.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4317,
"title": "The Buddhist Computer Addict"
},
{
"body": "I'm dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal experiences with the group. I told them stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm tense.\r\n When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered to me, \"Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4318,
"title": "Reverse Words"
},
{
"body": "Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it. \r\n \r\n Late at night I got one of those calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my husband groggily said: \"You're not going down there by yourself at this hour.\" \r\n \r\n Just as I was thinking: \"How thoughtful of him\", he added, \"Better take the dog with you.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 4319,
"title": "Take the Dog"
},
{
"body": "Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol.\r\n\r\n The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. \"I teach math there,\" I explained.\r\n\r\n The trooper smiled, and said, \"Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h over the limit. At $12 for every m.p.h over the limit, plus $40 costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?\r\n\r\n I replied, \"Taking the total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero.\"\r\n\r\n He handed me back my license. \"Math was never my favorite subject,\" he addmitted. \"Please slow down.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4320,
"title": "The Speeding Teacher"
},
{
"body": "Getting a new girlfriend is like joining the Army. You get a new haircut and new clothes, and all information is given to you on a need-to-know basis.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4321,
"title": "New Girlfriend"
},
{
"body": "One evening two bachelors were talking over dinner. The conversation drifted from sports to politics, and then to cooking. \r\n \"I got a cookbook once,\" said the bachelor. \"But I couldn't do anything with it.\"\r\n \"Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?\" asked his friend.\r\n \"You said it.\" The first guy replied, nodding. \"Every one of those recipes began the same way: 'Take a clean plate....'\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4323,
"title": "Cookbook"
},
{
"body": "Former Vice President Dan Quayle says that if you take out the profanity, the TV show \"The Osbounes\" is about good family values. \r\n You take out the profanity, and \"The Osbournes\" is about 30 seconds long.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4324,
"title": "The Osbournes"
},
{
"body": "Ralph was one his way home from work on night, when to his horror, he suddenly realized that he'd completely forgotten his daughter's birthday.\r\n He rushed to the toy store and asked the manager, \"How much is the Barbie in the window?\"\r\n \"Which one?\" The manager replied. \"We have Workout Barbie for $19.95, Malibu Barbie for $19.95, Soccer Barbie is 19.95, Cinderella Barbie $19.95, Retro '70's Barbie $19.95, and Divorced Barbie $375.\"\r\n \"Hold on,\" Ralph said. \"Why is Divorced Barbie $375 when all the other Barbies are only $19.95?\"\r\n \"Well,\" said the store manager. \"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture.....\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4325,
"title": "Daughter's Birthday"
},
{
"body": "When my wife and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded. My wife went up to the hostess (who was blonde) and asked, \"Will it be long?\"\r\n\r\nThe hostess, ignoring her, kept on writing in her book. My wife again asked \"How much of a wait?\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde looked up, \"About ten minutes.\"\r\n\r\nA short time later, the blonde got on the loudspeaker, and announced \"Willette B. Long, your table is ready.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4326,
"title": "Will it be Long?"
},
{
"body": "Recently I was behind a car with three bumper stickers: Don't be fooled by genetically engineered food--demand labels and safety testing for food; Eat for the health of it; and Support organic farmers.\"\r\n The car was in front of me at a McDonalds drive-through.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4327,
"title": "Bumper Stickers"
},
{
"body": "A lady walked into a bar and there were no seats available, except for one at a table that was occupied by a man, and she decides to take it. He said, \"Hello, my name is Jim Snow, what's yours?\"\r\n\r\nThe women replied, \"June.\"\r\n\r\nShe went to get a drink and Jim Snow sat there smiling at her. When she came back he still sat there smiling.\r\n\r\nJune was a little embarrassed, so she bashfully said, \"Why are you smiling at me like that?\"\r\n\r\nJim answered, \"Well, just imagine having 6 inches of Snow in June!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4331,
"title": "Snow in June"
},
{
"body": "What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?\r\n\r\nYou don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4332,
"title": "Nicest Thing About a Nudist Wedding?"
},
{
"body": "What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?\r\n\r\nA bingo machine",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4334,
"title": "Bingo"
},
{
"body": "True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4335,
"title": "Bravery"
},
{
"body": "A man walked into a hotel and asked for a room. The guy behind the counter said there is only one room left but it is haunted. The man does not believe this so he gets the room. That night the man hears a voice saying \"I`m gonna find you, I`m gonna get you, I`m gonna eat you!\" The man runs away scared.\r\nThe next day a father and his daughter get the room after they were warned. That night they hear \"I`m gonna find you, I`m gonna get you, I`m gonna eat you!\" The girl hides under the bed as the father follows the sound to the closet. He opens the door.\r\nThere on the floor sits a little boy, picking his nose, saying \"I`m gonna find you, I`m gonna get you, I`m gonna eat you!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 4336,
"title": "Haunted Hotel Room"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a hotel and asks for a room. The guy behind the counter tells him that there is one room left but it is haunted. The man gets the room anyway. That night he hears in a soft voice \"If the log rolls over we`ll all die!\" He runs away. The next day a father and his daughter get the room after they were told that it is haunted. That night they hear \"If the log rolls over we`ll all die!\" The girl hides under the bed as the father follows the sound to the bathroom door. He opens the door. There on the ground is a bunch of ants staring at a turd saying, \"If the log rolls over, we'll all die!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 4337,
"title": "Haunted Hotel Room 2"
},
{
"body": "A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagonload of corn. A farmer, who lived nearby, heard the noise and yelled to the boy, \"Hey, Willis, forget your troubles and come in for a visit. I'll help you pick the wagon up later.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's mighty nice of you,\" Willis answered, \"but Pa wouldn't like me to.\"\r\n\r\n\"Aw, come on, boy,\" the farmer insisted.\r\n\r\n\"Well, OK\" the boy finally agreed, \"but Pa won't like it.\"\r\n\r\nAfter a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. \"I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.\"\r\n\r\n\"Don't be foolish,\" the neighbor said with a smile; \"by the way, where is he?\"\r\n\r\n\"Under the wagon,\" replied the boy.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4340,
"title": "Pa Wouldn't Like it"
},
{
"body": "What is the definition of wicker box?\r\n\r\nIt's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4342,
"title": "Wicker Box"
},
{
"body": "A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, \"But we don't know anything about each other.\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.\" So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.\r\n\r\nOne morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.\r\n\r\nShe said,\" That was incredible!\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.\"\r\n\r\nSo she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.\r\n\r\nHe said, \"That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?\"\r\n\r\n\"No.\" she said, \"I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4343,
"title": "Venice"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so dumb that she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4345,
"title": "So Dumb"
},
{
"body": "What does a Mexican firefighter name his twin sons?\r\n\r\nJose and Josbe",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4346,
"title": "Mexican!"
},
{
"body": "Janet's son, Trevor, lived in Georgia with his mom. Over the summer, Trevor went to California. On his way back to home, he decided to stop at an \"adult video\" store. The manager asked if he had an account. He admitted he didn't, and asked to start one. The manager asked for his phone number and he gave it to them. The manager then replied, \"It says that the account is under the name of Janet.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4348,
"title": "Video Store"
},
{
"body": "George W. Bush was invited to visit the Queen of England. The Queen gets her finest horses and buggy. When Bush gets off the plane, and onto the buggy, Bush and the Queen ingage in a conversation. In the middle of their conversation, one of the horse let out a really big, really smelly fart. The Queen quickly apoligizes and says \"I'm sorry, theirs somethings not even a Queen can control.\" Bush replies \"Ma'am, if you wouldn't have said anything, I would have thought it was the horse.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 4349,
"title": "The Horse"
},
{
"body": "Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school. \r\n\r\n\"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. \r\n\r\n\"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. \r\n\r\n\"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.\" \r\n\r\n\"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?\" his mother asked. \r\n\r\n\"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4350,
"title": "Moses on His Walkie Talkie"
},
{
"body": "Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.\r\n\r\nBanta Singh : OK.\r\n\r\nInterviewer : Made in India.\r\n\r\nBanta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan.\r\n\r\nInterviewer : Good .... Keep it up.\r\n\r\nBanta Singh : Bad .... Put it down.\r\n\r\nInterviewer : Maxi - mum\r\n\r\nBanta Singh : Mini - dad\r\n\r\nInterviewer : Enough! Take your seat.\r\n\r\nBanta Singh : Insufficient! Don't take my seat.\r\n\r\nInterviewer : Idiot! Take your seat.\r\n\r\nBanta Singh : Clever! Don't take my seat.\r\n\r\nInterviewer : I say you get out!\r\n\r\nBanta Singh : You didn't say I come in.\r\n\r\nInterviewer : I reject you!\r\n\r\nBanta Singh : You appoint me.\r\n\r\nInterviewer : .....!!!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4351,
"title": "Interview With Banta Singh"
},
{
"body": "One day, three friends met at an inn after not seeig each other for a very long time. They chatted for an hour or so, and then the topic turned to their wives.\r\n\r\nA: You know, something strange happened during my wife's delivery. She was reading a book called \"The Two Brothers\" before her delivery and she gave birth to 'two' children ! Isn't that strange?\"\r\n\r\nB: Yeah, but you want to know something stranger ? A similar thing happened to my wife, when she was pregnant ! She was reading the book \"Amar, Akbar and Antony\", and she gave birth to 'three children' !!!\"\r\n\r\nOn hearing this, the third person C, took to his heels and started running. The other two were puzzled but they ran after C and caught up with him.\r\n\r\nA: \"Hey C. Why did you run off ?\"\r\n\r\nC: \"My wife's pregnant now and she's reading \"Alibaba and the Forty Thieves\" !!!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4353,
"title": "Alibaba...."
},
{
"body": "One day an American General, a Russian General and an Indian General were all going to England in a ship. All of them were very boastful.\r\n\r\nAG : \"I have the bravest and most courageous crew in the world. See for yourselves. Oy, you!\" (he called to an American soldier) \"Swim around this moving ship.\" \r\n\r\nThe American soldier jumped into the sea without a word, and swam around the moving ship and returned.\r\n\r\nAG : See the guts !\r\n\r\nRG : \"Oh, that's nothing. See this. You, (he called to a Russian soldier) swim 5 rounds around this moving ship!\"\r\n\r\nThe Russian soldier also jumped into the sea and swam 5 times around the moving ship and returned.\r\n\r\nRG : \"See the guts!\"\r\n\r\nIG : \"Oh, that's nothing compared to MY soldiers. You, (he called to Banta Singh) swim 10 times around this moving ship!\"\r\n\r\nBanta Singh : \"Am I your servant?\"\r\n\r\nIG : \"See the guts!\"\r\n\r\nAG & RG : ....!!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4354,
"title": "Guts !"
},
{
"body": "Proverb : Behind every successful man, there is a woman.\r\n\r\nRefined by me : Behind every successful man, there is a very much surprised woman.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4355,
"title": "Success"
},
{
"body": "A man and his wife were having some problems and giving each other the silent treatment. The man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him the next morning at 5:00 a.m, for an early flight to Chicago.\r\n\r\nNot wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, \"Please wake me at 5:00 a.m.\"\r\n\r\nThe next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.\r\n\r\nThe paper said, \"It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4356,
"title": "A Man and His Wife"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this :\r\n\r\nWashington, California, Nevada, now Arizona",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4360,
"title": "Hop Scotch"
},
{
"body": "A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, \"I know what the Bible means!\" His father smiled and replied, \"What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?\" The son replied, \"I do know!\" \r\n\r\n\"Okay,\" said his father. \"So, son, what does the Bible mean?\" \r\n\r\n\"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4361,
"title": "I Know What the Bible Means"
},
{
"body": "A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Norfolk to Las Vegas. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, \"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?\" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, \"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?\" The flight attendant asked, \"Did your mother tell you to ask me?\" The boy said that she had. Smiling, she then said, \"Tell your Mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4363,
"title": "Southwest Knows Best..."
},
{
"body": "A Buddhist and a Hindu went skydiving together. As they prepared to jump, the Buddhist said, \"If anything should go wrong--\" \r\n\r\n\"Nothing will go wrong,\" said the Hindu. \"But if it does, God will save me.\" \r\n\r\n\"Not a chance,\" the Buddhist said, \"Because there IS no God. There is only your Essential Buddha Nature.\" The Hindu scoffed at this.\r\n\r\nThe pair leaped out of the plane. Halfway down, they discovered that their parachutes wouldn't open.\r\n\r\n\"My God!\" screamed the Hindu. \"Save me!\" But he continued to plummet. \r\n\r\nJust then he heard the Buddhist say, \"I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature.\" Immediately, a giant hand came out of nowhere, cradled the Buddhist in its palm and gently began lowering him to earth. \r\n\r\nThe terrified Hindu too cried out, \"I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature!\" With that, another giant hand appeared, cradled the Hindu in its palm and started gently lowering him to earth. \r\n\r\n\"Whew! That was a close one!\" said the Hindu, wiping the sweat from his brow. \"Thank God!\" whereupon the giant hand turned over.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4364,
"title": "Saved By Buddha Nature"
},
{
"body": "Five cannibals were employed by Army as scouts and translators during on of the island campaigns during World War II. When the Commanding Officer of\u00c2\u00a0ground forces welcomed the cannibals he said, \"You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Soldiers are eating. But please don't indulge\u00c2\u00a0yourselves by eating a Soldier.\" The cannibals promised.\r\n\r\nFour weeks later the CO returned and said, \"You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Master Sergeants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?\"\r\n\r\nThe cannibals all shook their heads no. After the CO left, the leader of\u00c2\u00a0the cannibals turned to the others and said, \"Which of you idiots ate the Master Sergeant?\"\r\n\r\nA hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied,\u00c2\u00a0\"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Lieutenants, Captains, and\u00c2\u00a0Majors and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat an NCO!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4365,
"title": "Five Cannibals..."
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a hotel and asks the man for a room. The clerk says, \"There's only one room left, and it's haunted.\"\r\nBut the man says, \"I'll take it!\" That night he heard the ghost. \"I'm the ghost of Teeny Weenie! Stay here and I'll take your weenie!\" and the man ran out of the hotel as fast as he could.\r\nThe next day, another man needed a room. The clerk again said, \"There's only one room left and it's haunted.\" The man said,\"I'll take it!\" That night he heard the ghost. \"I'm the ghost of Teeny Weenie!\" he chanted. \"Get out of bed or I'll take your weenie!\" and he too ran out of the hotel as fast as he could.\r\nThe day after, another man came in needing a room. The clerk said for the third time, \"There's only one room left, and it's haunted.\" He said, \"I'll take it!\" That night he heard the ghost. \"I'm the Ghost of Teeny Weenie! Get out of bed or I'll take your weenie!\"\r\nThe man said, \"Oh yeah? Well, I'm the ghost of Christmas Past, take my dick and I'll kick your ass!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 4366,
"title": "Teeny Weenie (haunted Hotel Room 3)"
},
{
"body": "This is the epitaph on the gravestone of an army mule: \r\n\r\nHere lies Maggie, who in her time kicked two colonels, four majors, ten captains, twenty-four lieutenants, forty-two sergeants, four hundred eighty-six privates, and one bomb.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4367,
"title": "The Old Mule"
},
{
"body": "Here are two versions of the same story--\r\n\r\nA certain man was passing through a small town and wanted to upgrade his mode of transportation. So he looked all around this small town he was in and found that the only place he could buy a faster means of transportation was at the local monastery. They had a horse for sale there for quite a deal. When the man was leaving the monastery with his new horse the monk that was sold him the horse said \"Now all you have to remember is- When you want the horse to move all you need to say is 'Hallelujah' and when you want it to stop say 'Amen.'\" The man then gave the monk a half acknowledged nod and continued on his way.\r\nAfter several miles the man sneezed and spooked the horse. The horse started running faster and faster. Then the man noticed a cliff ahead of him and stared to panic and said a prayer when the traveler said \"Amen\" the horse stopped right on the edge of the cliff. Then the man shouted and Praised God saying \"Hallelujah!\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA certain man traveling ran into a stroke of bad luck. His horse died when he was still traveling, but luckily he was only a few miles off of a small town. He reached the town and inquired where he would be able to find a horse and he was told that the only person who had horses in the town was the preacher. The man went to the preacher and asked if he could buy a horse. The preacher said: \"Why certainly I'll sell this one right here to you. But remember this; I trained my horses to move when you say 'Praise the Lord' and when you want the horse to stop say 'Amen.'\"\r\nWith that the man thanked the preacher and said \"Praise the Lord!\" and the horse and the man immediately went riding away. While the man was riding along he noticed a cliff ahead of him and thought to himself \"What was it that the preacher told me to say to get this horse to stop?\" he then tried \"Whoa whoa, Betsy!\" but the horse kept on riding. The man finally so desperate said a prayer and at the end of his payer he said \"Amen.\" The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. The man looked down the steep cliff and said \"Praise the Lord!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4368,
"title": "New Horse"
},
{
"body": "There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.\r\n\r\nOne tourist got exceedingly nervous about halfway up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. \r\n\r\nThe monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, \"Whenever it breaks.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4369,
"title": "The Monastery on a Cliff"
},
{
"body": "A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. \r\n\r\n\"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?\"\r\n\r\nMoshe replied, \"I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4370,
"title": "Moshe Reads an Arab Newspaper"
},
{
"body": "An undertaker had a busy day at work, and in front of him, was 3 new bodies that had been sent from the hospital. \r\n\r\nThe first one his mouth opened wide. He then moved on to see the next body. It too had opened his mouth widely. \r\nSurprised, he went over to the last body. This body was charred and had a huge smile on his face. \r\n\r\nFeeling puzzled, he turned to ask the hospital personnel:&quot; What actually happened to these people? \r\n\r\n&quot;Well..&quot; replied the personnel, &quot;The first man died from laughing too much at a joke.&quot;\r\n\r\n&quot;The second man died while telling a very funny joke.&quot; \r\n\r\n&quot;The last man..well, he died while taking a picture. At least that was what he thought he was doing. He thought that the lightning was a camera's flash.&quot;",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4374,
"title": "An Undertaker's Job"
},
{
"body": "There was once a very depressed man that went to see the psychiatrist. He was advised to go on a holiday to unwind and relax his mental and emotional burdens. Upon his return from the holiday, the man's assistant went to the airport to welcome him back.\r\n\r\nMan: \"How's everything here?\"\r\n\r\nAssistant: \"Well, nothing much, but your dog died.\"\r\n\r\nMan: \"How did he die?\"\r\n\r\nAssistant: \"Well, because he ate burned horse meat.\"\r\n\r\nMan: \"Where did the meat come from?\"\r\n\r\nAssistant: Well..your ranch caught fire and burned down.\"\r\n\r\nMan: \"What? How did that happen?\"\r\n\r\nAssistant: \"It was the sparks from your house that started the fire on the ranch.\"\r\n\r\nMan: \"What? A fire broke out in my house?\"\r\n\r\nAssistant: \"Yes, the curtains caught fire from your mother's altar.\"\r\n\r\nMan: \"My mum's what?\"\r\n\r\nAssistant: \"Oh..your mother's altar. Well, she died.\"\r\n\r\nMan: \"All this happened and you said nothing much had taken place? How did she die?\"\r\n\r\nAssistant: \"Well..your wife ran away with another man and your mother had a heart attack.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4380,
"title": "Depressed Man"
},
{
"body": "Once there were twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.\r\n\r\nA few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, \"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.\"\r\n\r\nJoe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, \"Hell no, in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.\r\n\r\nI guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle.\" The old lady fainted.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4383,
"title": "Old Lady"
},
{
"body": "Once, there were three male dogs that set eyes on a beautiful female poodle. They all rushed over to her. Aware of her charms, she said, \"I will go out with the first one of you who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an intelligent sentence.\"\r\n\r\nImmediately the Lab said, \"I like liver and cheese.\"\r\n\r\n\"No imagination at all,\" said the poodle.\r\n\r\nNext was the muscular Rottweiler, who blurted, \"I hate liver and cheese.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's worse than the Lab,\" she replied. \r\n\r\nFinally a tiny Chihuahua smiled at his opponents, gave the poodle a knowing wink, and said, \"Liver alone, cheese mine.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4384,
"title": "Liver and Cheese"
},
{
"body": "A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.\r\n\r\nThe first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but \"Nescafe\". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: \"Good till the last drop.\"\r\n\r\nMom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.\r\n\r\nThe second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: \"Benson & Hedges\". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: \"Extra long. King Size\".\r\n\r\nShe was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.\r\n\r\nThe third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words \"British Airways\". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways.\r\n\r\nThe ad said: \"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.\"\r\n\r\nMom fainted.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4385,
"title": "A Mother's 3 Daughters"
},
{
"body": "There was once a very stupid parrot that could only say: \"Who's there?\" \r\n\r\nSo one fine evening, while its owner was out shopping, the gas delivery man arrived at the door. He pressed the door bell and waited for the door to be opened. \r\n\r\nAt that moment, the parrot said: \"Who's there?\"\r\nThe man then promptly replied: \"Gas delivery man.\"\r\nThe parrot then spoke: \"Who's there?\"\r\nThe man then repeated himself again.\r\n\r\nAfter several hours, the owner returned home. He was shocked to find a man outside his door, foaming in his mouth. \r\nPuzzled, he said:\" Who's that?\" A voice from inside the house replied: \"Gas delivery man.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4387,
"title": "Parrot Talk"
},
{
"body": "This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.\r\n\r\nA few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, \"Did you hear that Fluffy died?\" The guy stumbles around and says, \"Um.. no.. um.. what happened?\" The neighbor replies, \"We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4391,
"title": "Rabbit and the Dog"
},
{
"body": "Teacher to student: \"I just read the composition on 'My House' that you had submitted.\"\r\n\r\nStudent: \"Yes, is there anything wrong?\"\r\n\r\nTeacher: \"No. It was excellent. It was exactly the same composition that your older brother submitted last year.\"\r\n\r\nStudent: \"Well...we live in the same house...\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 4395,
"title": "Composition"
},
{
"body": "A young woman goes shopping and buys one bar of soap, one yogurt, one microwave dinner for one, one apple, and a romance novel. She goes to the checkout stand, where she notices that the clerk is staring at her. Flattered, she flutters her eyelashes and giggles nervously. \r\n\r\nHe says, \"Single, huh?\"\r\n\r\nShe replies coyly, \"How did you guess?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because,\" he says, \"You're ugly.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4396,
"title": "Ugly?"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is like a Nascar race car, she burns rubber everynight!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4398,
"title": "Vroom Vroom"
},
{
"body": "On the sixth day, God created the platypus. \r\n\r\nAnd God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4399,
"title": "A Puzzle for Darwin"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?\r\n\r\nA. They have shaky hands!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4400,
"title": "Old Gynecologists"
},
{
"body": "Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.\r\n\r\n\"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right',\" he said dejectedly.\r\n\r\n\"That's a silly old romantic notion,\" laughed the coed. \"I'm just waiting for 'Mr. Big'.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4401,
"title": "Mr. Big"
},
{
"body": "Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,\"I need to get up and get a beer.\"\r\n\r\n\"Don't get up,\" said the American, \"I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you\". \r\n\r\nAs soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, \"That looks good, I'd really like one, too.\" Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it too. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and realized immediately what had happened. \"Why does it have to be this way?\" he asked, \"How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes, pissing in beers?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4403,
"title": "Too Much Animosity"
},
{
"body": "One day Jim, a duck, was swimming in a pond when he came up to another duck and asked \"What are doing?\" \"Blowing bubbles,\" she replied. Jim met 3 more ducks and they all said the same thing. When Jim came up to a 5th duck he said \"Let me guess, you're blowing bubbles?\" \"No,\" said the duck, \"I am Bubbles!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4404,
"title": "Bubbles"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's green, has 3 eyes, sharp teeth, and blood on its face?\r\n\r\nA: I don't know, but it's on your shoulder!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4405,
"title": "3 Eyes & Green"
},
{
"body": "If there are 12 cats on a fence and 1 cat jumps off, how many are left?\r\n\r\nNone, they're all copycats!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4406,
"title": "Mee-ow!"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? \r\nA: She was afraid she might get hearing aids.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4410,
"title": "Aids"
},
{
"body": "Q:What did the blonde's right leg say to her left leg? \r\nA:Nothing, they haven't met yet.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4411,
"title": "Look"
},
{
"body": "Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger: \r\nBlonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! \r\nBlonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4413,
"title": "Mercedes"
},
{
"body": "A policeman pulled a blonde over because she was driving the wrong way on a one-way street.\r\n\r\nCop: Do you know where you were going? \r\n\r\nBlonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people are leaving.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4414,
"title": "Funny"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma cooks so bad, your family prays after they eat!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4416,
"title": "Pray"
},
{
"body": "There were three midgets. Each one wanted to win a world record. \r\n\r\nThe first midget went in to the place for world records and said I want to see if I have the worlds smallest hands. \r\nHe came happy and said i got the record. \r\n\r\nSo the second one goes in and says I want to see if I can get the record for the worlds smallest feet. \r\nHe came out all happy and said i got the record. \r\n\r\nThen the last one goes in and said I want to see if I have the worlds smallest penis. He came out all sad and said, \"Who the in the hell Michael Jackson?!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4418,
"title": "The Three Midgets"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so hairy . . . . .\r\n\r\n\r\n she has to have a hair trapper in her kitchen sink.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4419,
"title": "Hairy"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat I had to take five trains, eight cars, \r\nand twelve airplanes just to get around her!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4423,
"title": "The Fattest Mama"
},
{
"body": "Blondes are like pool tables - every time you put a dollar in, she'll rack your balls.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4426,
"title": "The Pooltable Blonde"
},
{
"body": "1. Say \"Darn, officer you must have been going fast to catch up with me.\"\r\n\r\n2. When he approaches you, look at his gut and say, \"Hmmm, I thought officers were supposed to be physically fit.\"\r\n\r\n3. Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from\r\nprojectile vomiting.\r\n\r\n4. Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.\r\n\r\n5. Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to go fetch it.\r\n\r\n6. Ask if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.\r\n\r\n7. Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but I decided to graduate high school.\r\n\r\n8. When he asks you to walk the line \"Riverdance\" instead.\r\n\r\n9. Instead of pleading with the 5th amendment, plead with the 13th or 16th.\r\n\r\n10. When he asks for your license, say, \"Oh, sure, officer, could you hold my beer for a sec?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4427,
"title": "Ten Ways to Annoy Cops"
},
{
"body": "The slick defense lawyer was drilling the star witness, in an attempt to ruffle the mans feathers, and secure his own case. He began egging him on.\r\n\r\n\"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background\" the lawyer sneered.\r\n\r\nThe witness replied,\r\n\"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 4428,
"title": "Under Oath"
},
{
"body": "There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.\r\n\r\nEventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.\r\n\r\nJack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn. \r\n\r\nJack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, \"Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?\" \r\n\r\nAnd from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, \"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 4431,
"title": "Church Restoration Project"
},
{
"body": "A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: \"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.\"\r\n\r\nWhen he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: \"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4433,
"title": "No-Parking Zone"
},
{
"body": "Three boys are walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is just looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out, \"I am the ghost of Auntie Mabel and this five dollars stays on the table!\"\r\n\r\nThe second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again.\r\n\r\nThe third boy goes in, sees the five dollars and cries out, \"I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4435,
"title": "Boys Will Be Boys"
},
{
"body": "Three ants went to the beach to swim.\r\nTwo jumped directly in the water.\r\nThe other went back home and after an hour returned.\r\nWhy?\r\n\r\nShe forgot her swimming suit!!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4438,
"title": "3 Ants"
},
{
"body": "\"Danny,\" asked Mrs Waters, \"What's usually used as a conductor of electricity?\"\r\n\r\n\"Why- er...\"\r\n\r\n\"Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?\"\r\n\r\n\"The what??\"\r\n\r\nThat's absolutely right. The watt.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4439,
"title": "Know-It-All"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a strip club and sees a really pretty girl right in front of him. He goes up to her and asks, \"Hey, Honey, want to come home with me?\" She says yes. They go back to his house that night and they have sex. Throughout this whole time he hasn't been able to see her properly. When she rolls into the moonlight, he caught a glimpse of her. \"What, the...! What are you doing here?\"\r\n\r\nHe had just realised that he was in bed wth his mother-in-law!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 4440,
"title": "What The...!!"
},
{
"body": "A white man, a Cuban, and a Mexican, are all sitting at a bar when the Mexican throws a taco out the window.\r\n\r\nThe white man asks, \"Why'd you throw that taco out?\" The Mexican replies, \"Where I come from we have a lot of those.\"\r\n\r\nNext the Cuban throws some weed out the window. The Mexican asks, \"Why'd you throw that weed out?\" The Cuban replies, \"Where I come from we have a lot of that...\"\r\n\r\nSuddenly the white man throws the Mexican out the window. The Cuban, shocked, asks, \"Why'd you throw him out the window?!\" The white man answers, \"Well..where I come from we have A LOT of those.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 4447,
"title": "Bar"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock.\r\n\r\nWho's there? \r\n\r\nKetchup. \r\n\r\nKetchup who?\r\n\r\nKetchup to ya later!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 4448,
"title": "Ketchup"
},
{
"body": "How many cats does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\n\r\nNone. Cats can't hold a light bulb",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 4450,
"title": "Cats"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat that a car hit her and she turned around and said \"Hey! Who threw that rock!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4451,
"title": "Car"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock.\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nTo. \r\n\r\nTo who? \r\n\r\nTo you.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 4452,
"title": "Knock Knock"
},
{
"body": "How do you titillate an ocelot?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOscillate its tit a lot!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4453,
"title": "Ocelot?"
},
{
"body": "On the appointed day, St. Peter escorted John to the Holy Mother's sanctuary. John went before Her, knelt, and said: \"Holy Mother, I've always looked to You for guidance, and You have granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times. But I have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures that were carved of you, you always looked so sad. Why is that?\"\r\n\r\nMary thought for a moment, pursing her lips. She said: \"I always wanted a girl.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4455,
"title": "A Girl"
},
{
"body": "There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4456,
"title": "When Life Begins"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so stupid...\r\n\r\n\r\nShe site on the T.V and watches the couch.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4457,
"title": "T.V."
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat, she's the reason they declared world hunger.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4459,
"title": "Hungry Momma!"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is like a hockey player. She doesn't change her pad for three periods.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4460,
"title": "Yo Mama is Like a Hockey Player"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, that every time you smack her butt, you can ride the waves!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4461,
"title": "Cellulite Surfin'"
},
{
"body": "A father asked his son: \"Why do you take the medicine before it's time? \"\r\n\r\nThe son answered:\" To surprise the germs! \"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4465,
"title": "Germs!"
},
{
"body": "Jack was summoned by the Disciplinarian where his son, Tracey was enrolled. Tracey always throw stones at his playmates and he never missed.\r\n\r\nJack replied to the Disciplinarian : Sir, please look at the bright side. My son will grow up to be a very effective baseball pitcher.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4466,
"title": "The Bright Side"
},
{
"body": "A teacher asked her children just before they were about to leave class for Mass, \r\n\"And why is it necessary to be quiet during Mass?\" \r\n\r\nOne bright little girl replied, \"Because people are sleeping.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4467,
"title": "Be Quiet in Mass"
},
{
"body": "A girl went to a dentist to have her teeth filled. The dentist asked, \r\n\r\n\"What kind of fillings do you want? White or silver?\" \r\n\r\nThe girl replied, \"Chocolate fillings.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 4469,
"title": "Dentist Filling"
},
{
"body": "Two muffins were sitting next to each other, in an oven, as they were being cooked. One muffin turned to the other muffin, and said, \"Man, it's hot in here.\" \r\nThen the other muffin turned to the first muffin and screamed, \"AHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4470,
"title": "Muffins in Action"
},
{
"body": "This is a true story that happened in a South African hospital.\r\n\r\nThere was this case in the hospital where a patient always died in the same bed and on a Friday morning regardless of his medical condition. This puzzles the doctors and some even think it has something to do with the supernatural. \r\n\r\nOne day, all the doctors decide to go down to the ward where it always happens on the Friday mornings. They want to take a look at what's going on. Friday morning comes and everyone's at the hospital ward waiting for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. Right at the expected time, the cleaner comes in and unplugs the life support system so that she can use the vacuum!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 4471,
"title": "Tragic..lol"
},
{
"body": "CO-PILOT: Commander! We are being attacked!\r\nCOMMANDER: Report your height and status!\r\nCO-PILLOT: I'm 5'11 and sittin' in the cockpit.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4473,
"title": "Commander"
},
{
"body": "One to his friend:\r\n\"My little brother started walking last week!\"\r\nThe other friend:\r\n\"Where did he go? He should be kilometers away!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4474,
"title": "Started Walking. . ."
},
{
"body": "A dad to his son: If someone calls for me, tell him that I'm out.\r\n\r\nThe son: And if he doesn't call?",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4475,
"title": "A Call."
},
{
"body": "A teacher asked his student:\r\nGive me an example of 6 animals.\r\n\r\nThe student:\r\n3 Lions, 2 Tigers , and 1 Cheetah !",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4476,
"title": "6 Animals."
},
{
"body": "Suddenly the electricity went off in the house of a blonde.\r\n\r\nSo, she wanted to light a match. \r\nAfter being tired of looking for the match, she blew out the candle and went to sleep.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4478,
"title": "No Electricity!"
},
{
"body": "One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.\r\n\r\nAn altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.\r\n\r\n\"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!\" the priest said. \"Tell me, where is this man now?\"\r\n\r\n\"Flat on his butt over by the holy water!\" the boy informed him.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4480,
"title": "The Healing Power of Holy Water?"
},
{
"body": "A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.\r\n \r\n The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, \"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold\r\nthe apple for ten cents.\r\n \r\n The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.\r\n \r\n Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4482,
"title": "Rich Man"
},
{
"body": "Einstein dies and goes to heaven, only to be informed, that his room is not yet ready. \"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do, and you will have to share the room with others.\" he is told by the doorman. Einstein says, \"This is no problem at all, and there is no need to make such a great fuss.\" So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter, and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. \"See, here is your first roommate. He has an IQ of 180!\" \"That's wonderful!\" says Albert. \"We can discuss mathematics!\" \"And here is your second roommate. His IQ is 150!\" \"That's wonderful!\" says Albert. \"We can discuss physics!\" \"And here is your third roommate. His IQ is 100!\" \"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!\" Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. \"I'm your last roommate, and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80.\" Albert smiles back at him and says, \"So, where do you think the stock market is heading?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4483,
"title": "Einstein"
},
{
"body": "A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River.\r\n \r\nBoth teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.\r\n \r\nOn the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while\r\n the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.\r\n \r\nSo American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team\r\n Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and a free pen for the rower. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.\r\n \r\nThe next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the\r\n American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4484,
"title": "Boat Race Efficiency Study"
},
{
"body": "Authentic Claims from a Car Insurance agency...\r\n\r\n\"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.\"\r\n\r\n\"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.\"\r\n\r\n\"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.\"\r\n\r\n\"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.\"\r\n\r\n\"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.\"\r\n\r\n\"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.\"\r\n\r\n\"A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road.\"\r\n\r\n\"I am responsible for the accident as I was miles away at the time.\"\r\n\r\n\"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.\"\r\n\r\n\"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind.\"\r\n\r\n\"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way.\"\r\n\r\n\"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.\"\r\n\r\n\"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by my arms and the first slapped me several times across the face. I kneed the man in the groin but didn't connect properly so I kicked him in the shin.\"\r\n\r\n\"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.\"\r\n\r\n\"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.\"\r\n\r\n\"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.\"\r\n\r\n\"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.\"\r\n\r\n\"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.\"\r\n\r\n\"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4485,
"title": "Humorous Insurance Claims"
},
{
"body": "Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4489,
"title": "Seagulls"
},
{
"body": "There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friend's mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritis. \"Well\" The friend said to the first guy... \"That's not so bad...\" The first guy turns to him and says \"Yea, That's what you think. I know those Ritis boys and Art is the worst one!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4491,
"title": "Two Guys"
},
{
"body": "If Men Were in Charge of Weddings\r\n\r\nThere would be a \"Rehearsal Kegger\" rather than a \"Rehearsal Dinner.\"\r\n\r\nBridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.\r\n\r\nThey would have NO tan lines.\r\n\r\n\r\nThe couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!\r\n\r\nIdiots who tried to dance with the bride would get punched in the head.\r\n\r\nBig, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of \"Best Man.\"\r\n\r\nThere would be \"Tailgate Receptions.\"\r\n\r\nCeremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.\r\n\r\nCeremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.\r\n\r\nMen wouldn't ask, \"Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?\" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.\r\n\r\nFavors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.\r\n\r\nThe bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her butt.\r\n\r\nInstead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.\r\n\r\nNo one would bother with that \"Veil Routine.\" But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.\r\n\r\nThe bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral or something.\r\n\r\nInvitations would read as follows:\r\n\r\nTom (Dick or Harry) is getting the ol' ball and chain... He's getting married. He either: A) knocked her up, B) couldn't get a different roommate, or C) caved in to her ultimatum. Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him For the rest of his life at Texas Stadium On the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at The Clubhouse after the game For Beer, Nachos and Pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4501,
"title": "If Men Were in Charge of Weddings"
},
{
"body": "The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.\r\n\r\n\"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?\" her husband demanded. \r\n\r\n\"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.\" \r\n\r\nThe Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, \"For the sake of decency, here's \u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00a330. Go and buy yourself some underwear.\"\r\n\r\nNext, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.\r\n\r\n\"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?\"\r\n\r\nShe replies, \"I can't afford any on the money you give me.\"\r\n\r\nHe reaches into his pocket and says, \"For the sake of decency, here's \u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00a320. Go and buy yourself some underwear!\"\r\n\r\nLastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.\r\n\r\n\"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?\"\r\n\r\nShe too explains, \"You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.\"\r\n\r\nThe Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, \"Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4502,
"title": "No Undies"
},
{
"body": "Mission to Mars\r\n\r\n(Space Shuttle with two trained monkeys and a blonde astronaut)\r\n\r\nThe Mission Control Room in the US calls the Space Shuttle.\r\n\r\n\"Monkey 1, Monkey 1, report to communications for instructions.\"\r\n\r\nThe trained monkey sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. \r\n\r\nSo the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.\r\n\r\nA few moments later, headquarters calls again: \"Monkey 2, Monkey 2,\r\nreport to communications for instructions.\" \r\n\r\nMonkey 2 sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyze the solar radiation. \r\n\r\nMonkey 2 does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.\r\n\r\nA little later on, headquarters calls again: \"Female Astronaut 1, please report to communications for instructions.\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says- \r\n\r\n\"I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4504,
"title": "Mission To Mars"
},
{
"body": "Bob, an extremely wealthy 60-year-old, arrives at a country club with a beautiful and charming 25-year-old blonde.\r\n\r\nHis buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, \"Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?\"\r\n\r\nBob exclaims, \"Girlfriend? She's my wife!\"\r\n\r\nHis friends are shocked, but continue to ask, \"So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?\"\r\n\r\nBob replies, \"I lied about my age.\"\r\n\r\nHis friends respond, \"What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 40?\"\r\n\r\nBob smiles and says, \"No, I told her I was 90.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4508,
"title": "Wealthy 60-year-old"
},
{
"body": "The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.\r\n\r\nAnd then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.\r\n\r\n\"Now,\" said the teacher, \"can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?\"\r\n\r\nA little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. \"To make the gravy,\" came her reply.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4511,
"title": "Elijah and the Steer"
},
{
"body": "READ SLOWLY----THESE ARE RATHER CLEVER!\r\n\r\n1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that *leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds\r\n2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do\r\n3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage\r\n4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with\r\n5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate\r\n6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets\r\n7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living\r\n8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist\r\n9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does\r\n10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money\r\n11. MISTY: How golfers create divots\r\n12. PARADOX: Two physicians\r\n13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower\r\n14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm\r\n15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with\r\n16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV\r\n17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring\r\n18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife\r\n19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does\r\n20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4512,
"title": "Daffy Definitions"
},
{
"body": "A candidate brought dice into the examination hall for MCQ. He started tossing the dice to select his answers. The superintendent just gave a glimpse at this candidate, as he passed by, as it is common to have students trying their luck. Very soon the candidate finished his whole paper and slept on his table. Half an hour later, the candidate sat up, and started tossing the dice again The superintendent felt curious, and approached the candidate.\r\n\r\n Superintendent : \"Gentleman, why are you tossing the dice again, since you've already finished all the questions earlier on?\"\r\n \r\nCandidate : \"Sir, I have to double check my answers\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 4514,
"title": "Examination Time"
},
{
"body": "A lawyer died, and at the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven together. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.\r\n\r\nThen, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.\r\n\r\nAt dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, but the lawyer receives a five-course meal including caviar, prime rib and chocolate truffles.\r\n\r\nBy this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, \"Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything.\"\r\n\r\nThe angel replied, \"No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 4517,
"title": "A Lawyer and the Pope Die and Go to Heaven"
},
{
"body": "What kind of flashlight do blonds use? \r\n\r\n\r\nThe solar powered kind!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4518,
"title": "Blond Light 2"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat she can give the homeless a home.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4521,
"title": "Yo Momma So Fat"
},
{
"body": "I slide to first.\r\nI feel like I'm going to burst.\r\nDiarrhea, diarrhea.\r\nI slide to two.\r\nMy pants are filled with goo.\r\nDiarrhea, diarrhea.\r\nI slide to third.\r\nI dropped a runny turd.\r\nDiarrhea, diarrhea.\r\nI slide to home.\r\nMy pants are filled with foam.\r\nDiarrhea, diarrhea.\r\nFirst its in the pants, then its on the floor.\r\nI make a 20 yard dash to the bathroom door.\r\nSome people think its funny.\r\nIts coming out back runny.\r\nWell, diarrhea.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 4522,
"title": "Bad Diarrhea"
},
{
"body": "A nurse dies and goes to heaven. She is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who asks her questions about her life. Over St. Peter's shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat sitting on a cloud with a stethoscope around his neck.\r\n\r\n\"Oh brother!\" she cries. \"Is that a doctor?\"\r\n\r\nSt Peter glances over his shoulder and says, \"No, that's God. He just thinks he's a doctor.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 4524,
"title": "A Nurse Dies and Goes to Heaven...."
},
{
"body": "Additional quotes made by physicians in actual medical records:\r\n\r\n1. Discharge status: alive but without permission.\r\n2. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.\r\n3. The patient refused an autopsy.\r\n4. The patient has no past history of suicides.\r\n5. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.\r\n6. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.\r\n7. Since she can not get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.\r\n8. She is numb from her toes down.\r\n9. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.\r\n10. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.\r\n11. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.\r\n12. The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.\r\n13. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 4526,
"title": "More Doctor Bloopers"
},
{
"body": "1. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento. \r\n2. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle. \r\n3. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters. \r\n4. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn't come in different colors with little \"M's\" on them. \r\n5. Your \"primary care physician\" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. \r\n6. Directions to your doctor's office include, \"Take a left when you enter the trailer park.\" \r\n7. Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your surgeon awaits his arrangement for grave robbing. \r\n8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming. \r\n9. Only proctologist in the plan is \"Gus\" from Roto-Rooter. \r\n10. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is \"an apple a day\". \r\n11. The \"Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges\" is not a typo.\r\n12. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 4528,
"title": "12 Signs You've Joined A Cheap HMO!"
},
{
"body": "Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4529,
"title": "Why?"
},
{
"body": "Dear God:\r\n\r\nWhy do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?\r\n\r\nDear God:\r\n\r\nWhen we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch...or is it going to be the same old story?\r\n\r\nDear God:\r\n\r\n Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?\r\n\r\nDear God:\r\n\r\nIf a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?\r\n\r\nDear God:\r\n\r\nWe dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?\r\n\r\nDear God:\r\n\r\nMore meatballs, less spaghetti, please.\r\n\r\nDear God:\r\n\r\nWhen we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?\r\n\r\nDear God:\r\n\r\nAre there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4533,
"title": "TO GOD FROM THE DOG"
},
{
"body": "Dear God:\r\n\r\nLet me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:\r\n\r\n1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.\r\n\r\n2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.\r\n\r\n3. I will not munch on \"leftovers\" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.\r\n\r\n4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.\r\n\r\n5. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.\r\n\r\n6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.\r\n\r\n7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.\r\n\r\n8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.\r\n\r\n9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.\r\n\r\n10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'\r\n\r\n11. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.\r\n\r\n12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.\r\n\r\n13. I will not throw up in the car.\r\n\r\n14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.\r\n\r\n15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.\r\n\r\n16. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.\r\n\r\nAnd, finally, my last question.......\r\n\r\nDear God:\r\n\r\nWhen I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4534,
"title": "To be a Good Dog.."
},
{
"body": "*The Poopie List*\r\nGHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.\r\nCLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.\r\nWET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.\r\nSECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.\r\nPOP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.\r\nLINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.\r\nGASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.\r\nDRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.\r\nCORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.\r\nGEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.\r\nSPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.\r\nWET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.\r\nTHE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.\r\nTHE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 4535,
"title": "*the Poopie List*"
},
{
"body": "A little girl learned in school, that instead of words, pictures and symbols would be drawn to indicate something if words weren't understood.\r\n\r\nLater that day, she needed to go into the bathroom, looked at two pictures, and went in one. A teacher asked her, \"Why did you go into the boys' bathroom?\" She answered, \"The picture showed a person wearing pants, and I'm wearing pants. The other picture showed someone wearing a dress, and I'm not.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4536,
"title": "Little Girl"
},
{
"body": "Some friends were on vacation in Maine, and while watching fireworks heard their small son say, \"Oh, God!\" \r\n\r\nThe father quickly cautioned his son, \"Please don't speak the Lord's name in vain.\" \r\n\r\nThe boy nodded but obviously mis-heard, because he asked quietly, \"Is it OK if I speak his name back in Minnesota?\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 4537,
"title": "The Maine Man"
},
{
"body": "And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:\r\n\r\n\"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4538,
"title": "Good Question!"
},
{
"body": "Wife: I always bring your picture with me everyday when I go to the office.\r\n\r\nHusband: Oh. That must be because you love me so much.\r\n\r\nWife: No, it's because whenever I see your picture, I realize that however hard the problem is in office, I'm lucky with my work because there is a much bigger problem and that's you.\" \r\n\r\nHusband:Ouch!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4539,
"title": "Wife's Plight"
},
{
"body": "Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.\r\n\r\nMr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)\r\n\r\nDoctor: Did you understand what I just told you?\r\n\r\nMr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?\r\n\r\nDoctor: Then why are you so happy?\r\n\r\nMr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 4540,
"title": "Mr Bean in Brain Tumour"
},
{
"body": "Mr. Bean: (crying) \"The doctor called, Mom's dead.\"\r\n\r\nFriend: \"Condolence, my friend.\"\r\n\r\nAfter receiving a phone call, Mr. Bean cries even louder.\r\n\r\nFriend: \"What now?\"\r\n\r\nMr. Bean: \"My sister just called, her mom died too!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4543,
"title": "Mr Bean in Family Tragic"
},
{
"body": "AA and AA",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4545,
"title": "A, A"
},
{
"body": "\"Yes\" = No\r\n\r\n\"No\" = Yes\r\n\r\n\"Maybe\" = No\r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry\" = You'll be sorry\r\n\r\n\"We need\" = I want\r\n\r\n\"It's your decision\" = The correct decision should be obvious by now\r\n\r\n\"Sure... go ahead\"\u00c2\u00a0 = I don't want you to\r\n\r\n\"I'm not upset\"\u00c2\u00a0 = Of course I'm upset, you moron!\r\n\r\n\"We need to talk\"\u00c2\u00a0 = I need to complain\r\n\r\n\"You're certainly attentive tonight\"\u00c2\u00a0 = Is sex all you ever think about?\r\n\r\n\"Be romantic, turn out the lights\" = I have flabby thighs\r\n\r\n\"This kitchen is so inconvenient\" \u00c2\u00a0 = I want a new house\r\n\r\n\"I want new curtains\"\u00c2\u00a0 = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...\r\n\r\n\"I heard a noise\"\u00c2\u00a0 = I noticed you were almost asleep\r\n\r\n\"Do you love me?\"\u00c2\u00a0 = I'm going to ask for something expensive\r\n\r\n\"How much do you love me?\"\u00c2\u00a0 = I did something today you're really not going to like\r\n\r\n\"I'll be ready in a minute\" \u00c2\u00a0 = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.\r\n\r\n\"Is my butt fat?\"\u00c2\u00a0 = Lie to me\r\n\r\n\"You have to learn to communicate\"\u00c2\u00a0 = Just agree with me\r\n\r\n\"Are you listening to me!?\"\u00c2\u00a0 = [Too late, you're dead]\r\n\r\n\"Do what you want.\"\u00c2\u00a0 = You'll pay for this later",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4547,
"title": "Women's English"
},
{
"body": "A lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. \r\nA skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost. \r\n\r\n\"Give me a chance to show you what I can do,\" says the skinny guy. \r\n\r\n\"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?\" says the head lumberjack. \"Take your axe and cut it down.\"\r\n\r\nThe guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door. \r\n\r\n\"I cut the tree down,\" says the guy. \r\n\r\nThe lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, \"Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?\" \r\n\r\n\"In the Sahara Forest,\" says the puny man. \r\n\r\n\"You mean the Sahara Desert,\" says the lumberjack. \r\n\r\n\"Sure......!! That's what they call it now!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 4561,
"title": "Lumberjack"
},
{
"body": "A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. \r\n\r\nHe looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. \r\n\r\n\"Is this yours?\" he asked. \r\n\r\nShe said, \"Yes, could you bring it up?\" and the man agreed. \r\n\r\nOn arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, \"I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me?\" \r\n\r\nHe readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, \"I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?\" \r\n\r\nThe man hesitated then said, \"Do you act like this with every man you meet?\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" she replied, \"Only those who catch my eye.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 4562,
"title": "Eye"
},
{
"body": "There were four blondes sitting on the bank of a river, each with a fishing pole intently concentrating on the task at hand. \r\n\r\nA Game Warden drove by and saw the four women fishing and decided to check for the proper fishing licenses and equipment. \r\n\r\nHe approached the women and told them he needed to check for their fishing licenses and to his surprise, they all replied they did not have one. \r\n\r\nHowever, before the Warden could speak, one of the women spoke up and said, \"Mr. Warden, sir, we are not fishing for you normal catch. We are environmentalist ridding the waters of garbage and other debris.\" \r\n\r\n\"We are not fishing for fish.\" said one of the others.\r\n\r\n \"We have poles, yes,\" another woman said, \"but on the end of our lines we have magnets. The magnets are gathering up metallic debris from the bottom of this river and therefore, were are cleaning the environment.\" \r\n\r\nStunned, the Game Warden thought for a moment and then asked the women to retrieve their lines an show him the \"magnets\" they were using. Sure enough, one after the other, the women showed the Warden various sized and colored magnets at the end of their line. \r\n\r\nPuzzled, the Warden again thought for a moment then stated, \"Well, you ladies seem to be doing a good thing here and there is no law against cleaning up a river bed with a magnet. More people should be like you four. Have a nice day.\" \r\n\r\nWith that the Warden drove off. As soon as the the Warden was out of sight, the four women burst out in hysterical laughter. \r\n\r\nFinally, when one of them was able to speak, she said, \"Stupid Fish Cop! Doesn't he know there are steelheads in this river?!?!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4563,
"title": "Blond Fishing"
},
{
"body": "Two women came before King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. \"This young man agreed to marry my daughter,\" said one. \"No! He agreed to marry my daughter!\" said the other.\r\n\r\nAnd so, they haggled before the king until he called for silence. \"Bring me my biggest sword,\" he said, \"and I shall cut the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.\"\r\n\r\n\"Sounds good to me,\" said the first woman. But the other woman said, \"Oh sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.\"\r\n\r\nThe wise king did not hesitate a moment. \"The young man shall marry the first woman's daughter,\" he proclaimed. \"But she was willing to cut him in two!\" exclaimed the king's court.\r\n\r\n\"Indeed,\" said King Solomon, \"that shows that she is indeed the true mother-in-law.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4564,
"title": "Mother-in-Law"
},
{
"body": "Librarian: \"Please be quiet. The people next to you can't read.\" \r\n\r\nBoy: \"What a shame! I've been reading since I was six.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4565,
"title": "Library Comedy"
},
{
"body": "A woman, who had just been married to a gambling man, had learned upon marrying him that he always came home well after midnight. \r\n\r\nShe didn't like this one bit, and no amount of reasoning with him would make him miss a night out with the guys, so every night for a week she would stay up till he came home, and when she heard him enter the house she would call out:\r\n\r\n\"Is that you, Ben?\"\r\n\r\nShe did this for a week, and then he started coming home promptly at 7:00 every night. Why, you might ask?\r\n\r\nHis name was Jacob.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4566,
"title": "Her Late Husband"
},
{
"body": "A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. \r\n\r\n\"Look at their reserve, their calm,\" muses the Brit. \"They must be British.\" \r\n\r\n\"Nonsense,\" the Frenchman disagrees. \"They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.\" \r\n\r\n\"No clothes, no shelter,\" the Russian points out, \"they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4567,
"title": "What Nationality Were Adam and Eve?"
},
{
"body": "A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, \"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?\"\r\n\r\nAs the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, \"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?\"\r\n\r\nShe, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice...\r\n\r\n\"I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4568,
"title": "Widdle Wabbits (A Thtory To Warm Your Heart)"
},
{
"body": "Two guys were working at a sawmill one day, when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. \r\n\r\n\"Incredible!\" says his friend. \"Medical science is amazing.\" \r\n\r\nAnother month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. \r\n\r\n\"Incredible!\" says his friend. \"Medical science is amazing!\" \r\n\r\nWell, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, \"Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.\" \r\n\r\nThe doctor thinks for a minute and says, \"Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4569,
"title": "Sawmill"
},
{
"body": "One day little Billy was walking past his mother's room when he heard strange noises. He opened thecracked the door, and looked in. He saw his mother laying naked on the bed rubbing her hands all over her body moaning \"I need a man! I need a man!\" A couple of days later as he walked past her room he heard the noises again so he looked into her room and saw his mother laying naked on the bed rubbing her hands all over her body moaning \"I need a man! I need a man!\" A few days later as he walked past her room he heard some more strange noises coming from her room, so he looked in again. This time he saw his mother laying naked on the bed with a naked man laying on top of her. So he ran to his room, took off all his clothes, hopped into bed and started rubbing his hands all over his body moaning \"I need a new bike! I need a new bike!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4573,
"title": "Billy's Mom"
},
{
"body": "Molly wrote a letter to Santa Claus one day.\r\nDear Santa,\r\n Please give me a Workout Barbie and a new milkman because he is sleeping with Mommy.\r\n Love,\r\n Molly",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4582,
"title": "Dear Santa,"
},
{
"body": "Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I'd be staying to see if they had a gym. \r\nThe hotel receptionist's sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it when she answered.\r\n \r\n\"We have over 300 guests at at this facility\" she said.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 \r\n\"Does this 'Jim' have a last name?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4583,
"title": "Bet Money She Was Blond..."
},
{
"body": "I once got hired for a \"wonderful\" new job! And here is the \"wonderful\" note I found attached to my \"wonderful\" first paycheck:\r\n\r\nPAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our new employees better understand their paychecks:\r\n\r\nItem Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 \r\nIncome tax $244.40 \r\nOutgo tax $45.21 \r\nState tax $11.61 \r\nInterstate tax $61.10 \r\nCounty tax $6.11 \r\nCity tax $12.22 \r\nRural tax $4.44 \r\nBack tax $1.11 \r\nFront tax $1.16\r\nSide tax $1.61 \r\nUp tax $1.08 \r\nDown tax $1.14 \r\nTic-Tacs $1.98 \r\nThumbtacks $3.93 \r\nCarpet tacks $0.98 \r\nStadium tax $0.69 \r\nFlat tax $8.32 \r\nSurtax $2.23 \r\nMa'am tax $1.23 \r\nCorporate tax $2.60 \r\nParking fee $5.00 \r\nF.I.C.A. $81.88 \r\nT.G.I.F. $9.95 \r\nLife insurance $5.85 \r\nDeath insurance $12.09 \r\nHealth insurance $16.23 \r\nDental insurance $4.50 \r\nMental insurance $4.33 \r\nDisability $2.50 \r\nAbility $0.25 \r\nLiability $3.41 \r\nTruthability $30.30\r\nCoffee $6.85 \r\nCoffee Cups $36.21 \r\nFloor rental $16.85 \r\nChair rental $0.32 \r\nDesk rental $4.32 \r\nUnion dues $5.85 \r\nUnion don'ts $3.77 \r\nCash advance $0.69 \r\nCash retreats $121.35 \r\nOvertime $1.26 \r\nUndertime $54.83 \r\nEastern time $9.00 \r\nCentral time $8.00 \r\nMountain time $7.00 \r\nPacific time $6.00 \r\nOxygen $10.02 \r\nWater $16.54 \r\nHeat $51.42 \r\nCool air $26.83 \r\nHot air $20.00 \r\nMiscellaneous $113.29 \r\nVarious $8.01 \r\n---------------------------- \r\nNet Take Home Pay $12.23 \r\n\r\nI have since moved to the local sweatshop.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 4584,
"title": "Paycheck Guide"
},
{
"body": "Dear __________________________,\r\n\r\n\r\n\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.\u00c2\u00a0 As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.\u00c2\u00a0 I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available.\u00c2\u00a0 So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n__ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.\r\n\r\n\r\n__ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.\r\n\r\n\r\n__ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.\r\n\r\n\r\n__ Your inadvertent admission that you \"buy condoms by the truckload\" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.\r\n\r\n\r\n__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.\r\n\r\n\r\n__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.\r\n\r\n\r\n__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.\r\n\r\n\r\n__ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.\u00c2\u00a0 AMEN!\r\n\r\n\r\n__ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.\r\n\r\n\r\n__ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.\r\n\r\n\r\n__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.\r\n\r\n\r\n__ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.\r\n\r\n\r\n__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.\r\n\r\n\r\n__ Your height is out of proportion to your weight.\u00c2\u00a0 If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.\r\n\r\n\r\n__ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler's Tour as 'Must See TV' demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.\r\n\r\n\r\n__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.\r\n\r\n\r\n__ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.\r\n\r\n\r\n\u00c2\u00a0\r\n\r\n\r\nSincerely,",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4585,
"title": "Shallow B**ch Pink Slip"
},
{
"body": "The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded, \"...and remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that of the school. When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?\"\r\n\r\nA young lady immediately raised her hand and said, \"Tell me, how do you make it last an hour?\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 4586,
"title": "Good To Know"
},
{
"body": "There was a congregation that decided to have four worship services each Sunday. There was one for those new to the faith. Another for those who liked traditional worship. One for those who had lost their faith and would like to get it\u00c2\u00a0back. And another for those who had a bad experience with\u00c2\u00a0church and were complaining about it. They have names for\u00c2\u00a0each of the services: \"Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 4588,
"title": "Well Rounded Church"
},
{
"body": "A rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad said, \"I will give $10,000 to any person that can make my elephant jump.\"\r\n\r\nSo the next day, people came from all over the world to try to get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried, but no one could get that elephant to jump.\r\n\r\nThen a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said, \"Are you the guy with the ad?\" The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked, \"Is that your elephant?\" \"Yes.\" The rich man replies. Then the\r\nguy went back to his car.\r\n\r\nHe returned with a 2 by 4. He walked behind the elephant and hit the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8 feet in the air. The rich guy, amazed, handed him the $10,000. The guy then got in his Corvette and drove off.\r\n\r\nThe next week the rich guy decides to put another ad in the paper. The ad said, \"I will give anyone $20,000 to make my elephant turn his head from side to side.\" The man had seen his elephant's head move up and down but never from side to side.\r\n\r\nPeople come from all over the world to try to get this elephant to make his head turn from side to side. No one could do it. When everyone left, the same guy in the same Corvette drives up.\r\n\r\nHe walked up to the elephant and said, \"Do you remember me?\" The elephant nodded his head up and down. Then the man asked, \"Do you want me to do it again?\" The elephant then shook his head\r\nfrom side to side frantically.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4597,
"title": "Good Elephant"
},
{
"body": "A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept.\r\n\r\nHe figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde, when suddenly she \r\nstrikes up a conversation with him! Soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for alcohol. The blonde leans over to the guy and says,\r\n\"Let's have this last drink at my apartment.\"\r\n\r\nTaken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters\r\nthe word, \"Okay.\"\r\n\r\nThey get up from the bar stool arm and arm headed for the door. The blonde stops him and says, \"Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle.\"\r\n\r\nHe says, ...\"That's ok, I'll follow you in my Honda.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4602,
"title": "Wheel&Deals"
},
{
"body": "A blonde filled her car with gas at a self-service gas station. After she had paid and driven away, she realized that she had left the gas cap on top of her car.\r\n\r\nShe stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.\r\n\r\nWell, she thought for a second and realized that other people must do the same thing from time to time, so maybe it was worth going back to look by the side of the road. She figured that even if she couldn't find her own gas cap, she might be able to find one someone else lost that would fit her car.\r\n\r\nShe didn't have to search long when, sure enough, she found a gas cap. She tried it, and it went into place with a satisfying click.\r\n\r\n\"Great,\" she thought, \"I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4603,
"title": "Gas Cap"
},
{
"body": "A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, \"I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' mother-fuckers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.\"\r\n\r\nThe room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.\r\n\r\nThirty minutes later the gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.\r\n\r\n\"Is your bet still good?\" asks the Irishman.\r\n\r\nThe Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.\r\n\r\nThe other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.\r\n\r\nThe Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, \"If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes?\"\r\n\r\nThe Irishman replies, \"Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4604,
"title": "Back-to-Back"
},
{
"body": "Most people assume WWJD is for \"What would Jesus do?\" But the initials really stand for \"What would Jesus drive?\"\r\n\r\nOne theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says \"God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.\"\r\n\r\nBut in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to \"pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.\"\r\n\r\nPerhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain \"until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast.\"\r\n\r\nSome scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, \"For I did not speak of my own Accord...\" \r\n\r\nMeanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that \"the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills.\" \r\n\r\nJoshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler...\r\n\"Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land.\"\r\n\r\nAnd, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... \"The Apostles were in one Accord.\"!!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4605,
"title": "WWJD?"
},
{
"body": "Three guys are in an bar sitting around a log fire with their dogs and get to talkin' about them.\r\n \r\nFirst one says, \"My dog is called Woodworker. Go Woodworker!\" The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and fashions a beautiful figurine.\r\n\r\nNext one says, \"My dog is called Stoneworker. Go Stoneworker!\" The dog drags a rock from the fire front and creates a beautiful carving.\r\n\r\nThird one says, \"My dog is called Iron Worker.\" He puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot.\r\n\r\n\"Now,\" he says, \"I'll just touch him on the nose and you watch him make a bolt for the door.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4606,
"title": "Working Dogs"
},
{
"body": "Timmy was a little five year old boy that his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school a \r\ncouple of days but when he came home one day, he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school every day. He wanted to be like the big boys. He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it.\r\n\r\nShe asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would surreptitiously follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him. \r\n\r\nMrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well so she agreed.\r\n\r\nThe next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.\r\n\r\nAs the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, \"Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?\"\r\n\r\nTimmy nonchalantly replied, \"Yeah, I know who she is.\"\r\n\r\nThe little friend said, \"Well who is she?\"\r\n\r\n\"That's just Shirley Goodnest\", Timmy said. \r\n\r\n\"Shirley Goodnest!? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well\", Timmy explained, \"every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4607,
"title": "Walking To School"
},
{
"body": "A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.\r\n\r\nWhen the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.\r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore,\" says the first golfer.\r\n\r\n\"That's funny\" replies the second, \"you had plenty of time to yell 'SHIT!'\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 4609,
"title": "FORE"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat, she has to go on three weight loss systems.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4611,
"title": "Weight Loss"
},
{
"body": "Sometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 4613,
"title": "Sense"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama so fat that she bent over and got arrested for selling crack.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4615,
"title": "Yo Mamma So Fat"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so tall, she did a cartwheel and hit Jesus.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4616,
"title": "Yo Momma's So Tall"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat she has to get baptized in Sea World.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4617,
"title": "Yo Mama is So Fat"
},
{
"body": "One day God said that he would grant anyone in line a wish. This one guy got stuck at the back of the line, which made him kind of upset.\r\n\r\nThe people before him went on through the line, and everybody wished that they could be beautiful. The last guy came up to God and said, \"I wish that all the people that wished they were beautiful were ugly again.\"\r\n\r\nThe next time that you're last in line - be happy.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4619,
"title": "I Wish I Could be Beautiful"
},
{
"body": "A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.\r\n\r\n\"You will understand,\" he said, \"the seal of the confessional can never be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.\"\r\n\r\nJust as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.\r\n\r\n\"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,\" said the politician. \"In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4622,
"title": "First Confession"
},
{
"body": "There was a guy he had to deliver a package to the nearest town which took three days to get there. If he leaves on Friday and arrives on Friday how is that possible? He doesn't stop to rest.\r\n\r\n *His horse's name is Friday.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4628,
"title": "Friday"
},
{
"body": "An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem. \r\n\r\n\"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!\" the excited scientist exclaimed.\r\n\r\nAbe replied, \"Bring him in. We'll check it out.\"\r\n\r\nA week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. \"You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?\"\r\n\r\n\"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4629,
"title": "The Israeli Archaeologist"
},
{
"body": "The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air.\r\n\r\nFor hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. In spite of the warm weather, this caused a shudder among the waiting mass.\r\n\r\nThe end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses.\r\n\r\nMoses set down his load and raised his hands.\r\n\r\n\"Friends,\" he said. \"Friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument, every trick I could think of\u00e2\u0080\u0094and I think I was successful. The good news is: I brought him down from 15 to 10. The bad news is: Adultery is still in.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4631,
"title": "Moses Negotiates the Commandments"
},
{
"body": "Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.\r\n\r\n\"Sid,\" asked Al, \"Are there any Jews in China?\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't know,\" Sid replied. \"Why don't we ask the waiter?\"\r\n\r\nWhen the waiter came by, Al said, \"Are there any Chinese Jews?\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't know sir, let me ask,\" the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.\r\n\r\nHe quickly returned and said, \"No, sir. No Chinese Jews.\"\r\n\r\n\"Are you sure?\" Al asked.\r\n\r\n\"I will check again, sir.\" the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.\r\n\r\nWhile he was still gone, Sid said, \"I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.\"\r\n\r\nWhen the waiter returned he said, \"Sir, no Chinese Jews.\"\r\n\r\n\"Are you really sure?\" Al asked again. \"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.\"\r\n\r\n\"Sir, I ask everyone,\" the waiter replied exasperated. \"We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4636,
"title": "Chinese Jews"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?\r\n\r\nA FUNNY BUNNY!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4638,
"title": "Rabbit"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has 2 jobs.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4640,
"title": "Lazy"
},
{
"body": "A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. \r\n\r\nThe girl has been watching him and says, \"You must be a dentist.\" \r\n\r\nThe guy, surprised, says \"Yes....how did you figure that out?\" \r\n\r\n\"Easy,\" she replied, \"you keep washing your hands.\" \r\n\r\nOne thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, \"You must be a good dentist.\" \r\n\r\nThe guy, now with a boosted ego says, \"Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?\" \r\n\r\n\"Didn't feel a thing!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4644,
"title": "Dentists"
},
{
"body": "In biology class the teacher asks, \"Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?\" Little Johnny raises his hand. \r\n\r\n\"Go ahead, Little Johnny.\" \r\n\r\n\"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder.\" \r\n\r\n\"That's terrible, Little Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?\" \r\n\r\nAgain Little Johnny raises his hand. \r\n\r\n\"We'll give you another chance.\" \r\n\r\n\"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4645,
"title": "Biology Class"
},
{
"body": "Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other saying, \"Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age; how do you feel?\" \r\n\r\nSlim says, \"I feel just like a new born babe.\" \r\n\r\nRather amazed at this reply, Slim's co-worker repeats his statement back in the form of a question, \"Really? A new born babe?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yup,\" grins Slim, \"No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4652,
"title": "New Born Babe"
},
{
"body": "The Officer says, \"I clocked you at 80 mph, sir.\" \r\n\r\nThe driver says, \"Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating.\" \r\n\r\nNot looking up from her knitting, the wife says sweetly, \"Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.\" \r\n\r\nAs the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, \"Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?\" \r\n\r\nThe wife smiles demurely and says, \"You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.\" \r\n\r\nAs the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, \r\n\r\n\"Dammit woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?\" \r\n\r\nThe officer frowns and says, \"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.\" \r\n\r\nThe driver says, \"Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.\" \r\n\r\nThe wife says, \"Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.\" \r\n\r\nAnd as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, \"WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?\" \r\n\r\nThe officer looks over at the woman and asks, \"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4658,
"title": "Clocked at 80mph"
},
{
"body": "A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. \r\n\r\nA man comes in and asks the farmer, \"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?\" \r\n\r\nFarmer: Some things you just can't explain. \r\n\r\nMan: So what happened that's so horrible? \r\n\r\nFarmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. \r\n\r\nMan: Ok, but that's not so bad. \r\n\r\nFarmer: Some things you just can't explain. \r\n\r\nMan: So what happened then? \r\n\r\nFarmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. \r\n\r\nMan: and then? \r\n\r\nFarmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. \r\n\r\nMan: Again? \r\n\r\nFarmer: Some things you just can't explain. \r\n\r\nMan: So, what did you do then? \r\n\r\nFarmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. \r\n\r\nMan: and then? \r\n\r\nFarmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. \r\n\r\nMan: Hmmm... \r\n\r\nFarmer: Some things you just can't explain. \r\n\r\nMan: So, what did you do? \r\n\r\nFarmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4661,
"title": "A Farmer Getting Soused"
},
{
"body": "A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.\r\n\r\nDuring his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, \"May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!\"\r\n\r\nA few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. \"Amazing!\" the preacher says. \"Look what God and you have accomplished together!\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, Reverend,\" says the farmer, \"but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4667,
"title": "Working With God"
},
{
"body": "Q:What do you call a 300-pound stripper?\r\n\r\nA:broke",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4669,
"title": "Stripped"
},
{
"body": "Computer is very common nowadays and most of the people only know what are the computer short cut keys and buttons. This little list would help you when you are in times of need so that you won't go around saying the wrong things:\r\n\r\nWhen you need help:\r\nDont's: Help!!! SOS!!!\r\nDo's: F1\r\n\r\nWhen you want to leave:\r\nDont's: cya! bye bye!\r\nDo's: Alt + F4\r\n\r\nWhen you are paying for something:\r\nDont's: Hand over your 100 dollar bill\r\nDo's: Hand over your pay-pal account and password\r\n\r\nWhen you are asking for an address\r\nDont's: Can you give me the address please\r\nDo's: Can you give me the url please\r\n\r\nWhen you want to find something:\r\nDont's: help me find something\r\nDo's: Ctrl + F \r\n\r\nWhen you are finding the washroom:\r\nDont's: Wheres the washroom?\r\nDo's: Wheres the delete buttom?\r\n\r\nWhen you need a check up:\r\nDont's: Doc, i need a full body check up\r\nDo's: Doc, i need a full system scan\r\n\r\nWhen you are sick:\r\nDont's: Take medicine\r\nDo's: Ctrl+Alt+Delete\r\n\r\nWhen you are asking for the price of a medical bill:\r\nDont's: How much does the operation cost?\r\nDo's: How much does the changing of the Hard drive and power supply cost?",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 4670,
"title": "What You Should Do When in Times of Need"
},
{
"body": "A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He doesn't know what to do and is seriously contemplating suicide. He goes to the rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the rabbi what he should do. The rabbi says, \"Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the bible and it will tell you what to do.\"\r\n\r\nThe man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind riffles the pages of the bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the bible and sees what he has to do.\r\n\r\nThree months later the man and his family come back to see the rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit. The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the rabbi for his wonderful advice. The rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: \"Chapter 11.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4671,
"title": "The Book Has the Answer"
},
{
"body": "Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?\r\n\r\nA. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4672,
"title": "A Very Special Cow"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why didn't Cain please God?\r\n\r\nA: Because he just wasn't Able.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 4676,
"title": "Why Didn't Cain Please God?"
},
{
"body": "One time there were three guys sitting at a bar. One was stupid, one was pretty smart, and the third was very intelligent. Well, they were sitting at the bar and the pretty smart one says that they should go on a deer hunt. \r\n\r\n\"I'll go first,\" says the smart one. Later the man comes back with a big deer. The two other men ask how he got such a deer. \"I just followed some tracks, kept on going, then BAM! I found my self a deer!\" says the man. So the pretty smart one goes after that. He comes back later and the two men still at the bar asked how he got the deer. He replies the same way the smart man replied. Next goes the stupid one. About thirty minutes passed and he came back looking beat up. The men at the bar rushed over and started to question him how he got his injuries.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" he says, \"I followed some tracks, and I looked up and there was this big light. It came rushing toward me, with steam puffing out. Then, before I knew it... BAM!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 4680,
"title": "Followed Some Tracks"
},
{
"body": "A sophisticated lady went into an expensive restaurant. Before sitting, she asked her waiter, \"Do you serve crabs here, sir?\"\r\n\r\nThe waiter replied, \"Yes ma'am, we serve anybody in here. Please have a seat.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4681,
"title": "A Sophisticated Lady"
},
{
"body": "Two blondes were sitting enjoying a view of the full moon.\r\n\r\nThe first blonde says; \"I wonder which is further away? The moon or Florida?\"\r\n\r\nThe second blonde replies; \"Well, duh! The moon! Can you see Florida?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4682,
"title": "Two Blondes"
},
{
"body": "Two English guys were in the middle of the scorching desert with no food or water. They both decide to stop and have a rest in the sand. Then one guy has a genius idea. \r\n\r\nThe guy says, \"I support Liverpool football team, so I'll eat the liver of my camel!\"\r\n\r\nThe second guys says, \"I support Arsenal football club, but I'm not that hungry!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4684,
"title": "Two Guys And Their Camels"
},
{
"body": "My survey which I conducted said that 8 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4685,
"title": "Fractions"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock!\r\nWho's there?\r\nWho!\r\nWho who?\r\nYou must have the stammers!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 4686,
"title": "Bad Knock-Knock Joke"
},
{
"body": "Ugly: (adjective) A state of being in which you are constantly in.\r\nExample: You",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 4688,
"title": "Ugly"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, her bungee cord has to be hooked onto Mars.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4697,
"title": "Bungee"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, she makes Godzilla look like a pocket dragon.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4699,
"title": "Fight In The City"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, she's the founder of Button Poppers Anonymous.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4701,
"title": "Secret Club"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, she has to iron her clothes on the street.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4702,
"title": "Ironing"
},
{
"body": "There are two fat guys in a bar, one of the guys, puts his empty glass on the bar and says, \"your round\", the other guy says, \"so are you, you fat basted!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 4706,
"title": "Two Fat Guys in a Bar"
},
{
"body": "A South African, an Australian and an Englishman are all drinking in a bar. Suddenly, the South African downs the remainder of his drink, tosses his glass in the air, draws his pistol and shoots the glass.\r\n\r\n\"In South Africa our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same ones twice,\" he says proudly.\r\n\r\nThe Australian, who is obviously impressed by this, downs his drink, tosses his glass, draws his gun and shoots the glass.\r\n\r\n\"In Australia we've got so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink from the same ones twice,\" he says.\r\n\r\nThe Englishman pauses to give this some thought, then downs his drink, casually tosses his glass into the air, draws his gun, and shoots the South African and the Australian.\r\n\r\n\"In England we have so many South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice,\" he says.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 4708,
"title": "In England . . ."
},
{
"body": "1.(Of course) Laugh hysterically and for no reason.\r\n\r\n2. Pretend you holding something like a small knife and swing at the air as if you are trying to cut something. If someone asks, say you were misinterpreted or deny the whole thing.\r\n\r\n3. Wear headphones everywhere you go, leaving the plug dangling out, easily seen, and then stationary knod, as if to a beat. Pretend not to hear anyone unless they touch you to get you attention. Periodically forget to take off headphones when you are touched and act confused when you cannot hear them.\r\n\r\n4. Sit in front of a library computer and twitch your eyelid for 20 seconds, the get up and browse the fiction E section. Repeat.\r\n\r\n5. Sit in front of a public computer on Windows 95, 98, or 2000. Click the start button. Click it again ... and again. After clicking it for about 10 minutes, declare that you need another computer because your start button is broken. When someone proves it is not broken, say \"Black magic!! You all use black magic!! Quicly grab a sheet of paper, draw the apple logo on it, hold it up and shout \"CURSED DEMONS OF THE DARK, BEGONE!!!\" Then return to your normal affairs as if you never clicked the start button.\r\n\r\n6. Carry an egg with you. If anyone says the word egg, or asks about the egg, jump in place and pretend it was never said.\r\n\r\n7. Ask a person at a library information desk how to calibrate an OMG to an SOL when the OMG's GD is set up to accept SOBs. Bother the person relentlessly about this question, arguing that the person must have that information, being at the information desk. Complain to the library on the desk worker's inefficiency to answer questions.\r\n\r\n8. Go to a games hobby store. Ask them if they have... suddenly forget the name, then remember it has 'Robo or Legend in it's name or something.' Let the fun begin.\r\n\r\n9. Go to a Radioshack and relive the mind-messing. When they ask for your name, say 'Toggattoobee,' but spell it with random letters, with 3 or 4 consonants together. When they ask for address, say something along the lines of:\r\n\r\nKshl (pronounced 'eggbattar') Goprktol\r\n98w0Z D. Squidhoarder Gorge\r\nPopsicscarn, 5Y, 45r1+-x3&k\r\n\r\n10. Sit on a bench with an R/C toy car remote. Pretend to control people walking by. Make loud engine and tire squealing noises.\r\n\r\n11.Tell your friend you are going to do a great magic trick. Give him the three of Diamonds, face up, from the deck. shuffle the deck. guess that your friend has the 96 of Purple. Then guess the S of Mushrooms. Then guess the Prince of Wales. Then ask for his card. Look at it for awhile, then give up and say you didn't like the trick anyway.\r\n\r\n12. Buy those bead kits where you make animals, santa claus, etc. Make them. Always carry at least one with you. Whenever you see a certain person, such as a roommate or sibling, whisper nasty gossip to the bead object, but not so loud as so the person can hear. Make sure to eye that person paranoidally.\r\n\r\n13.Buy 1 of every nightlight you can find. Say you are starting a collection. After 3 weeks, rip the decorative fronts, covers, or outsides of the nightlights. When someone asks, say you'll get back to him on that, then hastily throw them all away. Deny their existence and all knowledge you have of them.\r\n\r\n14. Fill a garbage bag full of leaves. Dump them in a pile on your roommate's bed. Play in it. Comment on the beautiful foliage.\r\n\r\n15.Ask someone why they hate you. Pretend you never asked.\r\n\r\n16. Right here! All purpose illogical things to say! Use them:\r\n\r\nTo answer a question\r\nSuddenly for no reason\r\nTo interrupt a conversation\r\nAnd to always, always pretend you never said it. So here we go!\r\n\r\n\"I got it! Suddenly it is so clear!\"\r\n\"You know, I always will regret doing that.\"\r\n\"When a Rubik's Cube is broken, and nobody is around to fix it, do I care?\"\r\n\"Fub!\"\r\n\"Nuk!\"\r\n\"Twee!\"\r\n\"Gan!\"\r\n\"Fireman Jellyfish.\"\r\n\"What? What? What? What? What? (etc.)\"\r\n\"I wonder what it's like to be a slice of cheese.\"\r\n\"Yes. I mean no. I mean... Maybe.\"(best used to answer questions that are NOT yes or no)\r\n\r\n17. Use the 'Confused Idiot' method. Say things that might seem in context, but obviously aren't.\r\n\r\n18. Buy a computer. Leave it on when you aren't using it. Turn it off when you are.\r\n\r\n19.Ask someone why the hell they ate your nachos, even though you ever had any nachos. Explain you will not leave him/her alone until he/she admits it. Follow that person everywhere. Always talk about the nachos. Guarranteed to make them admit or get a restraining order.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4720,
"title": "19 Ways to Make People Think You are Insane"
},
{
"body": "Your mama's so old, she farted and dust came out.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4721,
"title": "Old"
},
{
"body": "Your mama's so ugly, she stuck her face out the window and cops pulled her over for mooning.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4722,
"title": "So Ugly"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so fat she put on a red coat, walked outside, and everyone started yelling, \"Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4723,
"title": "Red Coat"
},
{
"body": "A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.\r\n\r\nThe older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.\r\n\r\nAt the first house a woman complained, \"I've been a little sick to my stomach.\"\r\n\r\nThe older doctor said, \"Well, you've probably been\r\noverdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?\"\r\n\r\nAs they left the younger man said, \"You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?\"\r\n\r\n\"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.\"\r\n\r\n\"Huh,\" the younger doctor said. \"Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.\"\r\n\r\nArriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. \"I'm feeling terribly run down lately.\"\r\n\r\n\"You've probably been doing too much work for the church,\" the younger doctor told her. \"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.\"\r\n\r\nAs they left, the elder doc said, \"Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 4724,
"title": "Medical Wisdom"
},
{
"body": "A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms. \r\nWhen he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away. \r\n\r\n\"What did you do that for?\" he asked her. \r\n\r\n\"I'm allergic to chocolate!\" she replied.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4728,
"title": "Don't Eat the Brown Ones"
},
{
"body": "Jerry: So you have both a nice mommy and a pretty mommy?\r\n\r\nSteve: Yup. They're lesbians.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4735,
"title": "Steve's Mom"
},
{
"body": "Hey! I recognize you! You're the third one over on the evolutionary scale!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4737,
"title": "Darwin's Insult"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?\r\n\r\nA. Because you might step in a poodle.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4738,
"title": "Cats and Dogs"
},
{
"body": "If brains were fuel, you wouldn't have enough to power an ant's motorcycle around the edge of a penny.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 4739,
"title": "If Brains Were Fuel!!!"
},
{
"body": "Why didn't the zombie cross the road?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause he didn't have the guts!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4741,
"title": "Zombie"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat when she stepped on the scale she said, \"Wow, that's my phone number!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4743,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, when she stepped on a dollar she made change.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4755,
"title": "Dollar"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat, she has more rolls than the bakery shop!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4758,
"title": "Rolls"
},
{
"body": "There were two blondes sitting on the roof of a house. The ladder they had used to get on the roof fell down onto the ground. \r\nBlonde #1: Go get the ladder!\r\nBlonde #2: No way! If I jump down, I'll kill myself.\r\nBlonde #1: I know! I'll shine my flashlight down to the ground and you can climb down the beam of light.\r\nBlonde #2: No way! You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway down!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4761,
"title": "Blondes on the Roof"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock\r\nWho's there ?\r\nScold\r\nScold who ?\r\nScold out here, let me in!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 4766,
"title": "Knock Knock"
},
{
"body": "A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.\r\n\r\n\"Nothing easier,\" Twain replied. \"No man can serve two masters.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4768,
"title": "Serving Two Masters"
},
{
"body": "What do you call frozen blonds?\r\nFrosted Flakes!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4769,
"title": "Frozen Blond"
},
{
"body": "There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman stranded on an island. They see a cave up ahead. \r\n\r\nThe Englishman goes in and sees some toast on a rock. He goes over to it but then a voice comes.\r\n\"Dont eat the toast,\" the voice shouts.\r\nThe Englishman runs out.\r\n\r\nThe Scotsman walks in and sees the toast as well, the voice comes back.\r\n\"Don't eat the toast.\" The Scotsman thinks it's his imagination but then he hears it again,\r\n\"Don't eat the toast,\" says the voice,the Scotsman runs out. \r\n\r\nThe Irishman wondering what's going on, goes inside. He hears the voice once, thinks nothing of it. He hears the voice again, still he ignores it. He picks up the toast and eats it. The voice shouts,\r\n\"I warned you once, I warned you twice, I wiped my arse upon the slice.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4772,
"title": "Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and the Toast"
},
{
"body": "Noah: \"Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head\" \r\nAdam and Eve: \"Strangers in Paradise\" \r\nLazarus: \"The Second Time Around\" \r\nEsther: \"I Feel Pretty\" \r\nJob: \"I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues\" \r\nMoses: \"The Wanderer\" \r\nJezebel: \"The Lady is a Tramp\"\r\nSamson: \"Hair\"\r\nSalome: \"I Could Have Danced All Night\" \r\nDaniel: \"The Lion Sleeps Tonight\" \r\nEsau: \"Born To Be Wild\" \r\nShadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: \"Great Balls of Fire!\" \r\nThe Three Kings: \"When You Wish Upon a Star\" \r\nJonah: \"Got a Whale of a Tale\" \r\nElijah: \"Up, Up, and Away\" \r\nMethuselah: \"Stayin' Alive\" \r\nNebuchadnezzar: \"Crazy\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4773,
"title": "Biblical Theme Songs"
},
{
"body": "A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, \"Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.\"\r\n\r\nOn the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, \"Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand.\"\r\n\r\nNearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, \"You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4774,
"title": "The Extra Chapter"
},
{
"body": "A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.\r\n\r\nAfter approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.\r\n\r\nAt the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. \r\n\r\n\"Why do you buy them then?\" he asks puzzled. The old lady answers, \"We just love the chocolate around them!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4775,
"title": "Love the Chocolate"
},
{
"body": "A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. \r\n\r\nLittle Bobby was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. \r\n\r\nOn the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, \"The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4777,
"title": "THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD"
},
{
"body": "A Sunday school teacher said to her children, \"We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?\" \r\n\r\nOne child blurted out, \"Aces!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4778,
"title": "HIGHER POWER"
},
{
"body": "A Sunday school teacher asked, \"Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" replied Johnny. \"How could he, with just two worms?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4779,
"title": "DID NOAH FISH?"
},
{
"body": "The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, \r\n\r\n\"My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING,\" he announced triumphantly, \"and she turned into a telephone pole!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4780,
"title": "LOT'S WIFE"
},
{
"body": "From a San Diego Father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children: \r\n\r\nThere is no such thing as childproofing your house. \r\nIf you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. \r\nA 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. \r\nIf you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape. \r\nIt is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room. \r\nBaseballs make marks on ceilings. \r\nWhen using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit. \r\nYou should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. \r\nA ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long ways. \r\nThe glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. \r\nWhen you hear the toilet flush and the words \"uh-oh\", it is already too late. \r\nBrake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke--lots of it. \r\nA 6 year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a \r\nman says it can only be done in the movies. \r\nA magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. \r\nIf you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes. \r\nA king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq ft house almost 4 inches deep. \r\nLegos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old. \r\nDuplos will not. \r\nPlay-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence. \r\nSuper Glue is forever. \r\nMacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. \r\nSo can Tarzan. \r\nNo matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can't walk on water. \r\nPool filters do not like Jell-O. \r\nVCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do. \r\nGarbage bags do not make good parachutes. \r\nMarbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. \r\nYou probably don't want to know what that odor is. \r\nAlways look in the oven before you turn it on. \r\nPlastic toys do not like ovens. \r\nThe fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response. \r\nThe spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. \r\nIt will, however, make cats dizzy. \r\nCats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. \r\nA good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4782,
"title": "36 Truths About Children"
},
{
"body": "A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, \"How long are your flights from America to England?\" \r\nThe woman on the other end of the phone says, \"Just a minute...\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde says, \"Thanks!\" and hangs up the phone.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4788,
"title": "Just a Minute"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so dumb she thought a quarterback was a refund!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4790,
"title": "Yo Momma So Dumb"
},
{
"body": "Little Bonnie became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.\r\n\r\nFinally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, \"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?\u00c3\u00ae",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4791,
"title": "Restless"
},
{
"body": "Feeling edgy, a woman took a hot bath. Just as she got comfortable, the doorbell rang. She got out, wrapped herself in a towel, and went to the door.\r\n\r\nA salesman wanted to know if she needed any brushes. She slammed the door in his face and returned to her bath.\r\n\r\nThe doorbell rang again. She got out, wrapped herself in a towel, slipped on a wet spot, and hit her back against the tub.\r\n\r\nShe struggled into her street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.\r\n\r\nAfter examining her, the doctor said, \"Nothing's broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you just go home and take a nice hot bath?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4792,
"title": "Feeling Edgy?"
},
{
"body": "You Just Might Be A Redneck If...\r\n\r\nYou've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. \r\nJack Daniels makes your list of \"Most Admired People.\" \r\nYou wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.\r\nAnyone in your family ever died right after saying, \"Hey, y'all watch this!\"\r\nYou've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'\r\nYou think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. \r\nYour wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.\r\nYour Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.\r\nYou think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, \"Gentlemen, start your engines.\"\r\nThe bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. \r\nOne of your kids was born on a pool table. \r\nYou need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. \r\nYou can't get married to your sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.\r\nYou dated one of your parents' current spouse in high school. \r\nYou think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. \r\nYour school fight song is \"Dueling Banjos.\" \r\nYour toilet paper has page numbers on it.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 4794,
"title": "You Just Might Be A Redneck If..."
},
{
"body": "THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases.\r\n\r\nFire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.\r\n\r\nA postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.\r\n\r\nIt was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.\r\n\r\nYou guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.\r\n___________________________________________\r\n\r\nStill think you're having a bad day?\r\n\r\nA man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.\r\n\r\nHis wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.\r\n\r\nWhile the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.\r\n\r\nAfter being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.\r\n\r\nThe wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she\r\nonce again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.\r\n\r\nAs the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.\r\nThey started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.\r\n______________________________________________\r\nStill having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...\r\n\r\nThe average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.\r\n_____________________________________________\r\nStill think you are having a bad day?\r\n\r\nA woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy\r\nplank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.\r\n_______________________________________________\r\nSTILL think you're having a bad day?\r\n\r\nTwo animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.\r\n____________________________________________\r\n\r\nWhat?! STILL having a bad day??\r\n\r\nIraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with \"return to sender\" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4795,
"title": "THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY?"
},
{
"body": "I was looking at this parked, motorized wheelchair once, and I noticed that it had a dial on it to control it's speed. At one end there was a turtle, and at the other end there was a rabbit. I just assumed at first that the turtle was representing the slower speed, and that the rabbit was for the faster speed, but then I remembered who won when those two animals raced.\r\nI think that it would be cool if cars used this same system too. You know, you get pulled over by a police officer and he says to you \"Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you were speeding? We had you clocked on our radar at going 'Rabbit' and I'm sure that you know the posted speed limit here is only 'Raccoon'. Now we'll just let you off with a warning this time since you were only going a 'hare' over the speed limit.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 4797,
"title": "Motorized Wheelchairs"
},
{
"body": "\"Uh huh,\" \"sure, honey,\" or \"yes, dear\"\r\nTranslated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.\r\n\r\n\"It would take too long to explain\"\r\nTranslated: \"I have no idea how it works.\"\r\n\r\n\"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind.\"\r\nTranslated: \"That girl standing on the corner is a real babe.\"\r\n\r\n\"Take a break honey, you're working too hard.\"\r\nTranslated: \"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's interesting, dear.\"\r\nTranslated: \"Are you still talking?\"\r\n\r\n\"I can't find it.\"\r\nTranslated: \"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.\"\r\n\r\n\"What did I do this time?\"\r\nTranslated: \"What did you catch me at?\"\r\n\r\n\"You look terrific.\"\r\nTranslated: \"Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.\"\r\nTranslated: \"No one will ever see us alive again.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4799,
"title": "Decoding The Secret Language of Men"
},
{
"body": "Why is it so hard to make a blond snowman???\r\n\r\nBecause you have to hollow out its head!!!!!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4800,
"title": "Blond Snowman"
},
{
"body": "Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4804,
"title": "Tomato"
},
{
"body": "A handsome mid-age couple, John and Gail, like living in Texas. Even though they have lived in Texas most of their married life John never\r\nhad a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale at Sheplers one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: \"Notice anything different about me?\"\r\n \r\nGail looks him over, \"Nope.\"\r\n \r\nFrustrated John storms off in to the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, \"Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?\"\r\nGail looks up and says, \"John, what's different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again\r\ntomorrow.\r\n \r\nFurious, John yells, \"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, GAIL? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!\"\r\n \r\nTo which Gail replies, \"Shoulda bought a hat, John. Shoulda bought a hat.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4810,
"title": "Cowboy Boots"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when neither the Browns nor the Steelers made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. \r\n\r\nSo on a cold freezing day on Lake Erie they began their contest. \r\n\r\nThe first day after 8 hours of fishing the Browns had caught 0 fish and the Steelers had 100. At the end of the 2nd day the Browns had caught 0 fish and the Steelers 200. \r\n\r\nThat evening the Browns coach got his team together and said, \"I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place.\" So the next morning, he dressed one of his players in black and yellow and sent him over to the Steelers camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked, \"Well, how about it, are they cheating?\" \r\n\r\n\"They sure are!\" the player reported, \"They're cutting holes in the ice.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 4813,
"title": "The Steelers & The Browns"
},
{
"body": "1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.\r\n2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.\r\n3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.\r\n4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.\r\n5. I will not eat the cat's food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.\r\n6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.\r\n7. I will not throw up in the car.\r\n8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.\r\n9. \"Kitty box crunchies\" , although they are tasty, are not food.\r\n10 I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit thim in the backyard after processing.\r\n11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.\r\n12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them!\r\n13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.\r\n14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.\r\n15. We do not have a doorbell, I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.\r\n16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with them.\r\n17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.\r\n18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.\r\n19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches for mom's driver's license and car registration.\r\n20.I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.\r\n21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage and walk around with a string hanging out of my butt.\r\n22. I will not use \"roll around in the dirt\" as an option after just getting a bath.\r\n23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.\r\n24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.\r\n25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.\r\n26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.\r\n27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.\r\n28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.\r\n29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.\r\n30. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with her and she makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4814,
"title": "Dog's Reminder to Self"
},
{
"body": "Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. \r\nBoy oh boy, did we go around!\r\n\r\nJust because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.\r\n\r\nThere was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.\r\n\r\nGuess I must have won that silly argument!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4815,
"title": "Windows"
},
{
"body": "A mugger approached a very well-dressed and dignified lawyer on a deserted street one night:\r\n\r\n\"Gimme your wallet and the keys to your car!\"\r\n\r\nThe lawyer shook his head and said in a patronizing tone: \"Do you have ANY idea what it's like to walk in my shoes or wear my clothes? I have more responsibility than you could imagine. I have a family and a firm with a hundred employees. I am in charge of it all! Look at these clothes! Do you know what I have to earn to WEAR a $3,000 suit like this? Look at this fifty dollar necktie! And these cufflinks! Now try to imagine what it is like to walk in these thousand dollar shoes! If you DID know, you would not mug me!\"\r\n\r\nThe mugger looked at the pinstriped suit, the silk tie, the white shirt and the polished black business shoes worn by the lawyer.\r\n\r\nHe started to cry.\r\n\r\n\"I...I'm sorry!\" he said. You're right!!\"\r\n\r\nAnd he lowered the gun.\r\n\r\n\"I don't want your wallet anymore or your car!\"\r\n\r\n\"Now that's a sensible decision, my good man!\" said the lawyer.\r\n\r\n\"NO! NO!\" said the mugger. \"I changed my mind! You convinced me! I have to UNDERSTAND! Now take off your clothes and hand them over!\" And he pointed the gun at the lawyer.\r\n\r\n\r\nThe stunned lawyer begged and pleaded, but the mugger just pointed the gun. The lawyer finally was forced to take off his polished shoes and his socks, and then his business suit, shirt, cufflinks, suspenders and tie. Finally he had stripped naked and the mugger put on the lawyer's clothes. \r\n\r\nThe mugger looked surprised. \r\n\r\n\"Ya know? I still don't get it! I'll take your car and your wallet, too!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 4821,
"title": "The Mugging of a Lawyer"
},
{
"body": "This man goes to confession and says, \"Forgive me father, for I have sinned.\" The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins, and the man replies that he used the \"F-word\" over the weekend.\r\n\r\nThe priest says, \"Oh, okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.\"\r\n\r\nThe man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the \"F-word\". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.\r\n\r\n\"Well, father, I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.\"\r\n\r\nThe priest says, \"And you got upset over that, and swore?\" \r\n\r\nThe man replied, \"No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees.\"\r\n\r\nThe priest said, \"And that's when you swore.\" \r\n\r\nThe man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, \"No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree.\" \r\n\r\nThe priest asked, \"Is that when you said the 'F-word'?\" \r\n\r\nThe man replied, \"No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away.\" \r\n\r\nThe priest let out a breath and queried, \"Is that when you swore?\"\r\n\r\nThe man replied, \"No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole.\" \r\n\r\nThe priest screamed, \"Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 4825,
"title": "The \"F\" Word"
},
{
"body": "Three men die and go to hell. There is a white guy, a Polish guy, and a black guy. The devil makes a deal with the three men. He tells them if they can stand on his hand for 10 days without melting he will give them their lives back. So the three men agree to the deal and stand on his hand. After only 2 days the white guy melts and after the 4th day the Polish guy melts also. The devil thinks this is going to be a piece of cake. \"Two down and one to go\", he tells the black man. But after 10 days the black man is still standing strong. The devil asks him how this is possible and the man replies, \"Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4826,
"title": "Three Men Go To Hell"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a black person that wants to be and acts just like Jackie Chan? Blackie Chan",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4830,
"title": "Something Funny"
},
{
"body": "A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.\r\n\"I'd like a box of birdseed,\" said the lady.\r\n\"For which kind of bird?\" he asked helpfully.\r\n\"Oh, I dunno,\" she replied. \"Whichever will grow the fastest.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4838,
"title": "Birdseed"
},
{
"body": "A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.\r\n\"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?\"\r\n\"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?\"\r\n\"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4839,
"title": "Cars and Blondes DON'T Mix"
},
{
"body": "While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labeled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.\r\nI mentioned this fact to the blonde cashier and mused out loud, \"I wonder why?\"\r\nThe blonde replied, \"Must be because the oil would suffocate them.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4840,
"title": "Dolphin Safe Tuna"
},
{
"body": "A proud elderly gentleman was in the hospital for a series of tests because his bodily functions were extremely disrupted.\r\n\r\nDuring the night he made several trips to the bathroom because he thought he had to go to the bathroom. After failing to go several times he finally decided to just ignore it.\r\n\r\nWhen he awoke later in the night he found his bed full of diarrhea. Being too proud to admit he just relieved himself in his own bed he carefully took the sheets and tossed them out the window.\r\n\r\nHowever, while this was going on, a drunk was stumbling home in the darkness. Before he can figure out what's happening, the soiled sheets come down on him. He kicks and punches the sheets trying to get them off of him. A security guard runs up and asks what the heck is going on.\r\n\r\nThe drunk replies, \"I don't know what happened, but I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 4842,
"title": "Ghost Fight"
},
{
"body": "A man was riding in a cab one day when he decided to tap the cab driver on the shoulder to request an alternate route.\r\n\r\nThe cab driver screams his head off and loses control of the cab, causing it to slam into a lightpost.\r\n\r\nAfter checking themselves out the man says, \"I'm sorry. I didn't know you were so jumpy.\"\r\n\r\nTo which the cab driver replies, \"It's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver after driving a hearse for 10 years.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 4843,
"title": "Spooked Cab Driver"
},
{
"body": "Dear _______________,\r\n I really like you. I was wondering if you would like to go out with me. Please check one of the boxes below:\r\n\r\n___ Yes\r\n\r\n___ No\r\n\r\n___ No, I already have a girlfriend, sorry\r\n\r\n___ Yes, if you don't tell my girlfriend\r\n\r\n___ No, I am already fathering a child\r\n\r\n___ No, I'm gay\r\n\r\nLove, \r\n______________\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n*written by clueless_chic*",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4844,
"title": "Modern Day Letter From a Girl to Her Crush"
},
{
"body": "You know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise MEN, don't you?\r\n\r\nThe three wise WOMEN would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the Baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and given practical gifts.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4850,
"title": "If the Magi Were Women..."
},
{
"body": "There were 3 ants in a house. They all had to decide where they wanted to sleep. One ant decides to sleep in the cabinet, one in the cookie jar, and one in the toilet.\r\n\r\nThe next morning they all woke up and meet on the stove top to ask each other how their sleep was. The one who slept in the cabinet said his was hot. The one who slept in the cookie jar said his was sweet! The one that slept in the toilet said that \" First it got dark, then it rained, a big gust of wind came, and if it wasn't for that big log.....I would have drowned!!!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4853,
"title": "Stressed Ant"
},
{
"body": "The Russians were called \"Reds,\" a long while ago. \r\n\r\nSo a war general named Rudolf walks into a bakery. The baker starts talking about owning a reindeer. He starts asking questions about it to the general. When the baker gets home, he tells his wife, \"Rudolf the Red knows reindeer!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 4855,
"title": "Rudolf"
},
{
"body": "Why did the teacher have to put on her glasses during class?\r\nBecause the kids were to bright!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4861,
"title": "Bright"
},
{
"body": "Why don't crabs share?\r\nBecause there shelfish!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4862,
"title": "Crabs"
},
{
"body": "What is the name of the baseball player who sits under a tree?\r\n\r\nBabe Root!",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 4863,
"title": "The Root?"
},
{
"body": "A friend of mine spent two hours in the salon getting her hair colored, cut, and blow dried. After all that, was it too much to ask to be treated like Cinderella at the ball? Yet when she went to the desk to pay, the receptionist said to her, \"Hello, madam, who is your appointment with today?\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 4864,
"title": "Wigging Out"
},
{
"body": "How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nYou'll never know because when you turn on the light, they scatter!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4865,
"title": "Roach Joke"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nSara.\r\nSara who?\r\nSara doctor in the house?!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 4868,
"title": "Doctor"
},
{
"body": "There are four elephants in a Volkswagon. How do you know when one went into your refrigerator?\r\n\r\nAnswer: There is a set of footprints in the butter!\r\n\r\nHow do you know when there were two elephants in the fridge?\r\n\r\nAnswer: There are two sets of footprints in the butter!\r\n\r\nHow do you know when there were three elephants in your fridge?\r\n\r\nAnswer: you have three sets of footprints in the butter!\r\n\r\nHow do you know when four elephants were in your fridge?\r\n\r\nAnswer: You have an empty Volkswagon!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4870,
"title": "Elephants"
},
{
"body": "A man walked into a bar... and it hurt!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4872,
"title": "A Man"
},
{
"body": "Two blondes were going on a hike, and came to a fork in the road. A sign was in the center that said \"Bear left.\" One of the blondes said,\"I'm happy that was taken care of, now we finally are able to take the upper trail,\" so they proceeded left.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4873,
"title": "Hunting"
},
{
"body": "A College football team was on a winning streak, until they found out that their star QB was failing English. The QB couldn't play until he brought his grade up to a C. The other players on the team were desperate for him to play in the championship, so they asked his English professor for extra credit. He agreed and called in the QB. The professor said: \"I will give you a simple spelling test and if you pass, I will raise your grade. In fact if you get one word right, I will raise the grade.\" So the QB takes the test and gets every single word wrong. He begged the professor for one more chance. The professor agreed and told him that if he could get one letter in the word that was given to him right, he would have a C in English. The word was coffee. The football player responded, \"This is easy, kauphy!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4875,
"title": "Failing Football Player"
},
{
"body": "Why is Michael Jackson dating twenty-eight year olds? \r\n\r\nThe answer is:\r\nBecause there's twenty of them!\r\n(twenty eight year olds....)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4876,
"title": "Michael Jackson"
},
{
"body": "What is Tarzan's favorite Christmas song?\r\n\r\nJungle Bells!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4878,
"title": "Tarzan"
},
{
"body": "What does the turtle do in the Olympics?\r\nThe hurdle run!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4884,
"title": "What in the World?"
},
{
"body": "Five days before Christmas, Santa was having a horrible day. And by horrible, I mean his wife was sick with the flu, 23 elfs called in sick, and nothing was getting done, so they were really behind schedule. \r\n\r\n*Knock-Knock,* Santa heard, so he went to go open the door. There was an Angel carrying a christmas tree. \"Where would you like me to put this?\" asked the angel. \r\n\r\nAnd that is why the Angel is put on top of the Christmas tree.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4885,
"title": "CHRISTMAS"
},
{
"body": "How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nAnswer: One, but 500 children to hold the ladder!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 4887,
"title": "Michael Jackson"
},
{
"body": "Why did the elephant call the locksmith? Because he lost his keys in his trunk!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4889,
"title": "Why Elephants Need Locksmiths"
},
{
"body": "How do turtles talk to each other?\r\nShellphones!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4891,
"title": "Funny!"
},
{
"body": "How do you get a mouse to smile?\r\nSay Cheese!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4892,
"title": "Mouse Face"
},
{
"body": "Which is faster, hot or cold?\r\n\r\nHot, because you can catch a cold!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4894,
"title": "Hot"
},
{
"body": "What did the cop say to the bad popcicle?\r\nFreeze!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4895,
"title": "Freeze"
},
{
"body": "Why couldn't G-Unit take the bus?\r\nThey only had 50 cent!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4896,
"title": "50 Cents"
},
{
"body": "What is a vampire's favorite holiday?\r\nFangs-giving!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4897,
"title": "Fangs"
},
{
"body": "Sven and Ole are visiting a relative in Texas. While walking along the street, they see a sign on a store front which reads:\r\n\r\nSuits $5.00 each\r\nShirts $2.00 each\r\nTrousers $2.50 per pair\r\n\r\nSven says to his pal, \"Hey Ole! We could buy a whole lot of dem and ven ve get back to Minnesota, ve could sell them and make a fortune.\"\r\n\r\n\"Now ven ve go into the shop, yust let me do all da talkin' cause if dey hear your Minnesota accent dey might tink ve are dumb Norwegians and try ta raise da price - but I can speak with a perfect Texas drawl.\"\r\n\r\nThey go in, and Sven drawls out an order of 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pair of trousers at $2.50 each.\r\n\r\nThe owner of the shop says \"You're Norwegians from Minnesota, aren't you?\"\r\n\r\n\"Uff da!\" says a surprised Sven. \"How'd you know dat?\"\r\n\r\nThe owner says, \"Because this is a dry-cleaners.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4902,
"title": "Sven and Ole"
},
{
"body": "One Monday morning, a mailman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approached one of the homes, Bob, a homeowner, was coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. \r\n\r\n\"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party this weekend,\" the mailman commented. \r\n\r\nBob replied, \"We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over and things got a bit wild. We got so drunk that we started playing 'Who Am I?'\" \r\n\r\n\"How do you play that?\" the mailman asked.\r\n\r\nBob continued, \"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our units showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.\" \r\n\r\nThe mailman laughed and said, \"I'm sorry I missed that.\" \r\n\r\n\"Probably a good thing you did,\" Bob responded, \"Your name was guessed four or five times.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4904,
"title": "Who Am I??"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?\r\n\r\nA: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4905,
"title": "Medicine Cabinet"
},
{
"body": "What did the cat say to the other cat on the phone?\r\n\r\nCan you hear me-ow?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4906,
"title": "Cats On The Phone"
},
{
"body": "Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. \"What's the story this time, Hughie?\" he asked sarcastically. \"Let's hear a good excuse for a change.\"\r\n\r\nWee Hughie sighed, \"Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. \r\n\r\nRather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office.\"\r\n\r\n\"You'll have to do better than that. Hughie,\" said his boss, disappointed. \"No woman can be ready in ten minutes.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4915,
"title": "A Scottish Excuse"
},
{
"body": "It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.\r\n\r\nImmediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.\r\n\r\nPastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, \"Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?\" \r\n\r\nJimmy replied, \"I got him from the church.\"\r\n\r\n\"And why did you take him?\"\r\n\r\nWith a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, \"Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 4917,
"title": "Christmas Present"
},
{
"body": "Which sea will make you go ape?\r\n\r\nThe Chimpansea.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4923,
"title": "Ape Sea"
},
{
"body": "If you invited all the alphabet to tea who would be late?\r\n\r\nThe letters 'UVWXYZ' because they all come after 'T'.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4924,
"title": "Alphabet Tea"
},
{
"body": "What do you call an alien with no ears?\r\n\r\nAnything you like, he can't hear you.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4925,
"title": "No Ears"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a horse that escaped from jail?\r\n\r\nA Zebra.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4926,
"title": "Jail Horse"
},
{
"body": "What is a cat's favourite exercise?\r\n\r\nPuss-Ups!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4927,
"title": "Cat Exercise"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly?\r\n\r\nA Bearacuda.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4930,
"title": "Grizzly Fish"
},
{
"body": "Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4932,
"title": "Psychics?"
},
{
"body": "Everyone has a photographic memory, you just don't have any film.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 4933,
"title": "Photographic Memory"
},
{
"body": "All believers in telekinesis raise my hand!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4937,
"title": "Telekinesis"
},
{
"body": "I couldn't fix your brakes, so instead I made your horn louder.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 4938,
"title": "Bad Mechanic"
},
{
"body": "Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 4939,
"title": "Nature"
},
{
"body": "A blonde and a brunette are in an elevator when a good-looking man enters. They notice that, though he is very handsome, he has very bad dandruff. He gets off at his floor, and when the doors close, the brunette looks at the blond and says, \"Someone needs to give him some Head and Shoulders\". The blonde replies, \"How do you give someone shoulders?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4940,
"title": "Head and Shoulders"
},
{
"body": "If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 4941,
"title": "Chocolate"
},
{
"body": "Wear tank tops and support your right to bare arms.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 4942,
"title": "Bare Arms"
},
{
"body": "Strategic responses to the ever-dangerous \"Do I look Fat\" question:\r\n\r\n\"No, not to Stevie Wonder.\"\r\n\r\n\"No babe, you're not fat, you're fluffy.\"\r\n\r\n\"Does this tie make me look stupid?\"\r\n\r\n\"No hablo ingles.\"\r\n\r\n\"If I answer that question, my life will be in danger.\"\r\n\r\n\"Let me jog around to your front and take a look.\"\r\n\r\n\"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains.\"\r\n\r\n\"May I consult a lawyer before answering that?\"\r\n\r\n\"Look at your belt size honey, if it says 'equator' on the tag you know the answer.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4944,
"title": "Strategic Responses to \"Do I Look Fat?\""
},
{
"body": "A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, \"That's about average down home, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy.\"\r\n\r\nCongratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of \"WOW\"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.\r\n\r\nTwo weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, \"Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does he weigh now?\"\r\n\r\nThe proud father answers, \"Seventeen pounds.\"\r\n\r\nThe bartender is puzzled, and concerned. \"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.\"\r\n\r\nThe Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, \"Had him circumcised\".",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 4945,
"title": "Its a Boy!"
},
{
"body": "What do Micheal Jackson and a PS2 have in common?\r\n\r\nThey're both plastic, can be black or white and can be turned on by children.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4948,
"title": "Micheal Jackson and a PS2"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nAvon Lady, your door bell is broken.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 4950,
"title": "Ding-Dong"
},
{
"body": "There were three girls and a genie on a mountain. There was a redhead, a brunette and a blonde. The only one who knew how to get off the mountain was the genie, but she offered the girls a wish to turn into birds and fly off.\r\n\r\n\"I want to be a blue jay so I can showoff my blue color in the sun.\" the redhead said to the genie. POOF! The bluejay landed off the mountain safely. \r\n\r\n\"I want to be a cardinal so I can go visit my friends in St. Louis.\" the brunette said. POOF! The cardinal landed safely off the mountain, too.\r\n\r\nThen the blonde shouted \"I want to be cuter than a bluejay and a cardinal! I want to be a penguin!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4958,
"title": "Blue Jay, Cardinal..."
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4962,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat people jog around her instead of the block, for a LONGER run!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 4966,
"title": "Block"
},
{
"body": "1st SLAP \r\n\r\n\r\n\"Our ship has just lost 82% of its power, our captain's head fused with plexiglass and we have an eleven minute window to escape certain death. Let's go to bed together.\" \r\n\r\n\r\n2nd SLAP \r\n\r\n\r\n\"The evil bad guy, who has demonstrated Superman-like strength, has just killed two of our crew. Let's split up and walk aimlessly through the ship looking for him.\" \r\n\r\n\r\n3rd SLAP \r\n\r\n\r\n\"I just found an unknown, odd, bizarrely pulsating alien object. I'm gonna open it up and stick my hand in it to see what happens.\" \r\n\r\n\r\n4th SLAP \r\n\r\n\r\n\"We just picked you up from an abandoned moon in deep space and you can read my mind, which no other human being has ever been able to do. Neat. Let's go to bed.\" \r\n\r\n\r\n5th SLAP \r\n\r\n\r\n\"We are a medical rescue ship with a crew of six with only six 'jump pods' so if we ever actually rescued anyone, we wouldn't be able to actually bring them home.\" \r\n\r\n\r\nSLAP!!!!!!!!!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4970,
"title": "Slaps For Bad Space Movie"
},
{
"body": "A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, a cell phone for their first anniversary.\r\n\r\nSusie was excited about the phone and the next day, while shopping, it rang and to her surprise, it was her husband.\r\n\r\n\"Hi, Susie,\" he said. \"How do you like your new phone?\"\r\n\r\nSusie replied, \"I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand ...\"\r\n\r\n\"What's that, sweetie?\" asked her husband.\r\n\r\n\"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 4972,
"title": "A Cell Phone"
},
{
"body": "Sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.\r\n \r\n2. Form a loose grip. \r\n \r\n3. Keep your head down.\r\n \r\n4. Avoid a quick back swing.\r\n \r\n5. Stay out of the water. \r\n \r\n6. Try not to hit anyone.\r\n \r\n7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.\r\n \r\n8. Don't stand directly in front of others.\r\n \r\n9. Quiet please...while others are preparing to go.\r\n \r\n10. Don't take extra strokes. \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\nWell done - Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4974,
"title": "Tee Off"
},
{
"body": "An Irish man walks out of a bar..............Hey, It could happen",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 4976,
"title": "An Irish Man"
},
{
"body": "One day in heaven, George Bush saw Moses & walked up to him. When he tried to say hi Moses ran off. The next day George Bush saw Moses again. He then tried to say hi, but he sped off again. The next day when George Bush saw Moses he asked him.\r\n\r\n \" How come every time i try to say hi to you, you run off?\"\r\n\r\nMoses replied,\" Last time I saw a bush, I was stuck in the desert for 40 years.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 4977,
"title": "George Bush & Moses"
},
{
"body": "I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 4980,
"title": "Raising the Bar"
},
{
"body": "For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.\r\n\r\nHere's why: The population of this country is 273 million.\r\n\r\n140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.\r\n\r\nThere are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.\r\n\r\nOf this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work.\r\n\r\n2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.\r\n\r\nTake from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.\r\n\r\nAt any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.\r\n\r\nNow, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. \r\n\r\nAnd there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 4981,
"title": "Why I'm So Tired!"
},
{
"body": "THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK\r\n\r\n \r\n1. I can see your point, but I still think you are full of shit.\r\n\r\n2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.\r\n\r\n3. How about never? Is NEVER good for you?\r\n\r\n4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.\r\n\r\n5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.\r\n\r\n6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.\r\n\r\n7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.\r\n\r\n8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.\r\n\r\n9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.\r\n\r\n10. Ahhh....I see the screw-you fairy has visited us again.\r\n\r\n11. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.\r\n\r\n12. I'm already visualizing the duct-tape over your mouth.\r\n\r\n13. Thank you. We're challenged by your unique point of view.\r\n\r\n14. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.\r\n\r\n15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?\r\n\r\n16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.\r\n\r\n17. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?\r\n\r\n18. Do I look like a people person?\r\n\r\n19. This isn't an office, it's HELL with fluorescent lighting.\r\n\r\n20. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.\r\n\r\n21. If I throw a stick, will you leave?\r\n\r\n22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.\r\n\r\n23. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.\r\n\r\n24. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.\r\n\r\n25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?\r\n\r\n26. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.\r\n\r\n27. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done.\r\n\r\n28. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? \r\n\r\n29. Oh I get it...like humour...but different.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 4984,
"title": "Things You Would Like To Say!"
},
{
"body": "A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed, and\r\nwhispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. \r\n\r\nHe did as he was told and returned to his class.\r\nSuddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate, only to find him sitting at his desk, with his penis hanging out. \"I thought I told you to call your mom!\" she said. \r\n\"I did,\" he said, \"And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.\"\r\n \r\n KIDS, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???",
"category": "Children",
"id": 4986,
"title": "Circumcised"
},
{
"body": "During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.\r\n\r\nIn an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)\r\nRemote controls in hotels are the worst! (Always carry your Lysol spray!)\r\n\r\nAn average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.\r\n\r\nIn a year you will have swallowed 14 insects -- while you slept!\r\n\r\nAnnually you will shake hands with 6 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.\r\n\r\nAnnually you will shake hands with 11 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.\r\n\r\nIn a lifetime 22 nosey workmen doing work in your home, will have examined the contents of your dirty laundry basket. We won't even go into guests\r\nsnooping in your medicine cabinet.\r\n\r\nAt an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests. Mouth herpes.\r\n\r\nDaily you will breathe in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.\r\n\r\nYOU HAVE A GREAT DAY!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 4987,
"title": "Nasty Stuff"
},
{
"body": "A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: \"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.\"\r\n\r\nA short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.\r\n\r\nThe manager said, \"I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.\"\r\n\r\nThe dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.\r\n\r\nThe manager was stunned, but then told the dog, \"The sign says you have to be good with a computer.\"\r\n\r\nThe dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, \"I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job.\"\r\n\r\nThe dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.\r\n\r\nThe manager said, \"Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.\"\r\n\r\nThe dog looked at him and said, \"Meow.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 4993,
"title": "A Local Business was Looking For Office Help..."
},
{
"body": "Cows\r\n\r\nIs it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they can track her calves to their stalls.\r\n\r\nBut they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 4994,
"title": "Cows"
},
{
"body": "They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. \r\nWhy don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 4995,
"title": "Constitution"
},
{
"body": "The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse: \r\nYou cannot post \"Thou Shalt Not Steal,\" \"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery\" and \"Thou Shall Not Lie\" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.\r\n It creates a hostile work environment!",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 4996,
"title": "Ten Commandments"
},
{
"body": "1. George Washington isn't the first president. He was the first elected president. \r\n2. Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women. \r\n3. It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidently planted by squirrels who bury nuts and forget where they hid them. \r\n4. Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a novel,\"Gadsby\", which contains over 50,000 words--none of them with the letter \"E\". \r\n5. Of all the words in the English laguage, the word \"set\" has the most definitions. \r\n6. A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans. \r\n7. Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States. \r\n8. The sun is 330,330 times larger than the Earth. \r\n9. A mole can dig 300 feet in just one night. \r\n10. Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone. \r\n11. A hippo can open it's mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside. \r\n12. A quarter has 119 grooves on it's edge, a dime has one less groove. \r\n13. A humming bird weighs less than a penny. \r\n14. Until 1796 there was a state in the United States called Franklin. Today it is known as Tennessee. \r\n15. The earth weighs 6,588,000,000,000,000,000.000.000 tons. \r\n16. A cockroach can live several weeks with it's head cut off. \r\n17. The most used letter in the English alphabet is \"E\", and \"Q\" is used the least. \r\n18. There are more than 50,000 earthquakes throughout the world every year. \r\n19. The original name for the \"butterfly\" is \"Flutterby\". \r\n20. Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or left handed...or is that paws. ? \r\n21. The opposite side of cubed dice always add up to seven. \r\n22. Nose prints are used to identify dogs, just like humans use fingerprints. \r\n23. Bulls are color blind, therefore will usually charge at a matadore's waving cape no matter what color it is --be it red or bright yellow. \r\n24. Apples are more efficent than caffine in keeping people awake in the mornings.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5002,
"title": "Weird Useless Facts"
},
{
"body": "how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\n2, but I don't know how they got in there!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 5003,
"title": "How Many Flies"
},
{
"body": "A little guy is seated next to a big guy at a bar and asks his name.\r\n\r\nThe big guy says, \"They call me Tex.\"\r\n\r\nThe little guy replies, \"Oh, you must be from Texas.\"\r\n\r\nThe big guy says, \"Nope. I'm from Louisiana.\"\r\n\r\n\"Hmmm,\" the little guy replies, \"Then why do they call you Tex?\"\r\n\r\nThe big guy looks down at him and says, \"Would you like to try calling me Louise?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5005,
"title": "Why Do They Call You Tex?"
},
{
"body": "1.Keep your lights blinking for a whole hour.\r\n2.Go really slow on a highway.\r\n3.Smile and wave at everyone that you see at a stoplight.\r\n4.Turn your radio up while playing opera music.\r\n5.When stopping at a stop sign run out of your car and look to see if any cars are coming then yell, \"It's all clear!\"\r\n6.When coming to a speed bump, get out and say \"My car won't make it!\" then try to push it over the bump.\r\n7.At every stoplight, run out and check your tires and yell, \"Don't worry it's OK!\"\r\n8.Take a sponge and a bucket of water and pull over to wash the bugs off the car every time you see one.\r\n9.Fill the back seats with plastic bags, put the windows down, and drive around really fast.\r\n10.Change your licence plate every you stop and yell, \"They're after me! Anybody got a screwdriver?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5007,
"title": "Top 10 Annoying Things to Do in a Car."
},
{
"body": "1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.\r\n\r\n2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.\r\n\r\n3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.\r\n\r\n4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.\r\n\r\n5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?\r\n\r\n6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.\r\n\r\n7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.\r\n\r\n8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.\r\n\r\n9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?\r\n\r\n10. You! Off my planet!\r\n\r\n11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.\r\n\r\n12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.\r\n\r\n13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?\r\n\r\n14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.\r\n\r\n15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.\r\n\r\n16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?\r\n\r\n17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.\r\n\r\n18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.\r\n\r\n19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.\r\n\r\n20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.\r\n\r\n21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.\r\n\r\n22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.\r\n\r\n23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!\r\n\r\n24. Adults are just kids who owe money.\r\n\r\n25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.\r\n\r\n26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?\r\n\r\n27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.\r\n\r\n28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.\r\n\r\n29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.\r\n\r\n30. You look like shit. Is that the style now?\r\n\r\n31. Earth is full. Go home.\r\n\r\n32. Is it time for your medication or mine?\r\n\r\n33. Does this condom make me look fat?\r\n\r\n34. I plead contemporary insanity.\r\n\r\n35. And which dwarf are you?\r\n\r\n36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.\r\n\r\n37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?\r\n\r\n38. Meandering to a different drummer.\r\n\r\n39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.\r\n\r\n40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5009,
"title": "Bumper Sticker Sayings"
},
{
"body": "You're so fat, the last time you went on a bus, the ticket read ''Please allow up to 28 days for delivery.''",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5010,
"title": "Bus Ride"
},
{
"body": "Your cooking is so bad, the homeless give it back!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5011,
"title": "Can't Cook"
},
{
"body": "The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. \r\n\r\nShe went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. \r\n\r\nAfter the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.\r\n\r\nFinally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. \r\n\r\nThen he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. \r\n\r\nThe teacher was amazed. \"I'm in awe at your faith, pastor,\" she said. \r\n\r\n\"It's really nothing,\" he answered. \"The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 5012,
"title": "Looking Heavenward"
},
{
"body": "What's the blonde cheer?\r\nI'm blonde, I'm blonde,I'm B.L.O.N.....uh,oh well...I'm blonde, I'm blonde,I'm... yeah, yeah,yeah...",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5015,
"title": "The Blonde Cheer"
},
{
"body": "What did the blond name his pet zebra?\r\n\r\nSpot!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5020,
"title": "The Blond's Zebra"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: \"What's a lightbulb?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5022,
"title": "Lightbulbs"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between pokemon and pokewomon?\r\n\r\npoke balls",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5024,
"title": "Pokemon"
},
{
"body": "Yo mommas so old that when she was in school they didn't have history.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5026,
"title": "Yo Mommas So Old......."
},
{
"body": "What starts with the letter F and ends in UCK?\r\n\r\n\r\nFiretrUCK",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5028,
"title": "F- UCK"
},
{
"body": "Why can't Osama sleep with any of his 5 wives?\r\n\r\nBecause all he sees is bush.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5032,
"title": "Osama"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\n\r\nWho's there\r\n\r\nJack\r\n\r\nJack Who\r\n\r\nI don't know any jack",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5034,
"title": "Jack"
},
{
"body": "5 boys are walking by a \"haunted\" house\"\r\nOne of the five boys said, \"I bet I could go in there for more than five minutes.\"\r\nA couple minutes later, he comes out screaming \"GHOST!\"\r\nThe second boy decides to try to go in for more than ten minutes.\r\nHe comes out screaming after four minutes, \"HE WASN'T LYING! GHOST!\"\r\nThe third and fourth boy go in together and try to stay in for more than an hour. They come out screaming the same thing.\r\nThe last boy walks and says he can stay in there a whole day.\r\nOnce he walked in, the other boys heard him say, \"Hi Grandma.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5035,
"title": "Haunted House"
},
{
"body": "Why did the lightbulb fail his test?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nHe wasnt bright enough!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 5039,
"title": "Dumb Lightbulb"
},
{
"body": "What does a cow do for entertainment?\r\n\r\nListen to moo-sic.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5044,
"title": "Bored Cow"
},
{
"body": "Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.\r\n\r\nHe takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: \"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!\" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, \"Son...what happened last night?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.\"\r\n\r\n\"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?\"\r\n\r\nHis son replies, \"Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!'\"\r\n\r\n Broken furniture - $85.26\r\n Hot Breakfast - $4.20\r\n Red Rose bud - $3.00\r\n Two Aspirins - $0.38\r\n Saying the right thing, at the right time........Priceless.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5045,
"title": "Priceless"
},
{
"body": "Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, \"Surely I can't look that old\"? Well, here is some karma for that. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was WAY too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Lawton Senior High School. \r\n\"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Wolverine.\" he gleamed with pride. \r\n\"When did you graduate?\" I asked. \r\nHe answered, \"In 1961. Why do you ask?\" \r\n\"You were in my class!\" I exclaimed. \r\nHe looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-b*tch asked, \"What did you teach?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5047,
"title": "Aging With Grace"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma is such a redneck, when I look at her family tree, it goes straight up.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5052,
"title": "Redneck"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a flying skunk?\r\n\r\n\r\nA smell-icopter",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5054,
"title": "Skunk"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, she sat on a gamecube and made it into a gameboy advance.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5056,
"title": "So Fat #3"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma is so fat, she sat down in Wal-mart and lowered the prices.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5058,
"title": "So Fat #4"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vador?\r\n\r\nAn elevator",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5065,
"title": "What Do You Get?"
},
{
"body": "You know your a redneck when there are 15 cars in your driveway, and the only one that moves is your house.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 5066,
"title": "You Know Your a Redneck....."
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so poor, I asked her what was for dinner and she put her foot on the table and said \"CORN!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5067,
"title": "So Poor...."
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat when she sees a school bus go by, she says \"STOP THAT TWINKY!!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5068,
"title": "So Fat #5"
},
{
"body": "You know you're a redneck when you go to a family reunion to find a girlfriend.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 5069,
"title": "Family Reunion"
},
{
"body": "You know you're a redneck when you mow your lawn and find 10 cars.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 5070,
"title": "When You Find a Car...."
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma is so fat, she jumped up and got stuck in the sky.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5073,
"title": "So Fat #6"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so stupid she threw butter out the window to see a butterfly.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5075,
"title": "Butterfly~~"
},
{
"body": "If your uncle Jack was stuck on a roof, would you help your uncle Jack off?",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 5076,
"title": "The Roof"
},
{
"body": "I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. \r\n\r\nAfter putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. \r\n\r\nWhen the doctor finally came in I said, \"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?\" At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse....... \r\n\r\n\"Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 5077,
"title": "The Exam"
},
{
"body": "Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and how the letters are used to define bra sizes?\r\n\r\nIf you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!\r\n\r\n{A} Almost Boobs . . .\r\n{B} Barely there.\r\n{C} Can't Complain!\r\n{D} Dang!\r\n{DD} Double dang!\r\n{E} Enormous!\r\n{F} Fake.\r\n{G} Get a Reduction.\r\n{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5079,
"title": "Understanding Bra Sizes"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call a schizophrenic Buddhist?\r\n\r\nA: Someone who is at two with the universe.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5080,
"title": "The Schizophrenic Buddhist"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nMayonaise\r\n\r\nMayonaise who?\r\n\r\nMayonaise a lot of jokes on this website.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5085,
"title": "Whos There!"
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between a drunk and a druggie? Drunks run a stop sign and druggies stop at it and wait till it turns green.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5093,
"title": "What is the Difference?"
},
{
"body": "Shannon received a phone call from the foreman plant that her husband worked at. He sounded grim and she immediately knew something was wrong.\r\n\r\n\"What happened? Is Patrick all right? Please tell me he's ok,\" she said.\r\n\r\nThe man on the line said, \"Shannon, there was an accident at the brewery and your husband is . . . dead.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh my goodness, what happened?\" Shannon asked.\r\n\r\nThe foreman replied, \"He fell into a vat of beer.\"\r\n\r\n\"Did he at least die quickly?\" sobbed Shannon.\r\n\r\nThe man paused, then said, \"Well, no . . . he got out three times to use the bathroom.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 5096,
"title": "What a Pisser"
},
{
"body": "While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He knew how to swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, \"Are there any alligators around here?\"\r\n\r\nThe beachcomber shouted back, \"Nah! We ain't seen gators in these parts for years.\"\r\n\r\nFeeling safe, the tourist began swimming leisurely towards the shore. About halfway there, he shouted, \"Hey, how'd you get rid of the alligators?\"\r\n\r\nThe beachcomber said, \"We didn't do anything. The sharks got 'em.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5103,
"title": "Jumping the Sharks"
},
{
"body": "Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?\r\n\r\nA: Where's pop corn?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5104,
"title": "Child of the Corn"
},
{
"body": "You're so stupid you got locked in an open convertibale car.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5106,
"title": "You're So Stupid"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat. She has more ass than a donkey farm.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5108,
"title": "Donkey"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so dumb she took back the donut because it had a hole in it!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5109,
"title": "Yo Mama So Dumb.."
},
{
"body": "How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? \r\nI don't know. They can't get the dead one out.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5113,
"title": "Lightbulb"
},
{
"body": "Some items have the strangest directions/ warnings. Here are a few I've noticed.\r\n\r\nOn a toilet plunger: Do not use as an umbrella.\r\n\r\nOn a carton of milk: May contain dairy products.\r\n\r\nOn a tricycle: Will hurt if on top of someone.\r\n\r\nOn popcorn: Will pop if heated.\r\n\r\nOn candy: Directions: Take of wrapper, insert into mouth, chew, and swallow. (No, really?)\r\n\r\nOn bean bags used for juggling: Do not eat.\r\n\r\nOn lunchmeat: Do not mistake as toilet paper.\r\n\r\nOn Gameboy: To play,you must have a thumb.\r\n\r\nAfter computer error: Keyboard malfunction, press enter to continue.\r\n\r\nOn coke bottle: Do not try to insert head.\r\n\r\nOn skateboard: May move if rode on.\r\n\r\nOn shampoo bottle: Warning: May create a lather.\r\n\r\nRoadsign: Warning: Unfinished bridge 3 miles.\r\n*3 miles later* We told you there was an unfinished bridge!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5119,
"title": "Strange Labels"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit ?\r\n\r\nA: The bucket.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 5121,
"title": "Bucket O Crap"
},
{
"body": "A dog is a man's best friend because it gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5125,
"title": "Man's Best Friend"
},
{
"body": "With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw. \"If you believe in me enough to give me $50,\" he said, \"I will grant you eternal life.\" \r\n\r\n\"Sorry, I'm an atheist,\" the fellow replied, \"and have never believed in God.\"\r\n\r\nGod walked up to another man and made the same offer. \"Well, I'm an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not,\" the guy said, \"but here's 50 bucks, just in case.\" \r\n\r\nAs the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. \"I'm Pat Robertson and don't really care if you're God or not,\" he said excitedly. \"Just teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and I'll give you $100.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 5127,
"title": "Do You Believe in Me?"
},
{
"body": "You're so ugly that you scared away a man-eating shark!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5129,
"title": "Back Luck"
},
{
"body": "A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.\r\n\r\n\"Not Gutenberg?\" gasped the collector.\r\n\r\n\"Yes, that was it!\"\r\n\r\n\"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,\" replied the man. \"It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5134,
"title": "A Rare Book"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so fat, you can see her from space.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5139,
"title": "Earth Blob"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nOrange\r\nOrange who\r\nOrange you tired of hearing the same stupid jokes about oranges?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5141,
"title": "Yes, Orange Again"
},
{
"body": "There was a woman who came home from work. She had a very long day and just wanted to relax. Just as she was about to sit down, the phone rang.\r\n\r\n\"Hello?\" she said as she picked it up.\r\n\"Are you married?\" the voice said.\r\n\"Who is this?\" she asked.\r\nNo answer. She hung up the phone.\r\n\r\nJust as she was about to sit down again, the phone rang. \r\n\r\n\"Hello?\" she said, picking up the phone again.\r\n\"Do you have children?\" the voice said.\r\n\"Who the crap is this?\" she said\r\nNo answer. She hung up the phone.\r\n\r\n\r\nJust as she was about to sit down AGAIN, the phone rang AGAIN. \r\n\r\n\"HELLO?!?!?!\" she yelled, \"Now this is it, if you don't tell me who you are, I am going to call the police!\"\r\n\"Ma'am you seem frustrated, why don't you do yourself a favor and join GEICO Insurance where we strive to make your life easier.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5142,
"title": "Hello, Who is This"
},
{
"body": "A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller,\r\n\r\n\"Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today Iget a Hunat eighty?\"\r\n\r\nThe teller says - \"Fluctuations!\"\r\n\r\nThe Chinese guy says \"Fluc you white guys too\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5144,
"title": "Language Barrier"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid.\r\n\r\nIt seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.\r\n\r\nThe Trids were a very sexual people, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.\r\n\r\nThe Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.\r\n\r\nThe Trids were a very depressed people.\r\n\r\nOne day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.\r\n\r\nThe Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid's case to the Giant. \"Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you,\" the Rabbi explained.\r\n\r\nThe Trids were horrified. \"Please don't go, Rabbi\", the Trids implored. \"The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown.\"\r\n\r\nThe Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.\r\n\r\nThe Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.\r\n\r\nHe walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.\r\n\r\nHe started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.\r\n\r\nFinally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked \"Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?\"\r\n\r\nAnd the Giant replied, \"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5145,
"title": "The Island of Trid"
},
{
"body": "A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.\r\n\r\nThe man says, \"I'll have a beer\" and turns to the ostrich. \"What's yours?\" \"I'll have a beer too\" says the ostrich.\r\nThe bartender pours the beer and says \"That will be $3.40 please,\" and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.\r\n\r\nThe next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says \"I'll have a beer,\" and the ostrich says \"I'll have the same.\" Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.\r\n\r\nThis became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. \"The usual?\" asks the bartender.\"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch\" says the man. \"Same for me\" says the ostrich. \"That will be $7.20\" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.\r\n\r\nThe bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. \"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" says the man, \"several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's brilliant!\" says the bartender. \"Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!\"\"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,\" says the man.\r\n\r\n\"That's fantastic!\" says the bartender. \"You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?\"\r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5147,
"title": "A Chick With Long Legs"
},
{
"body": "An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.\r\n\r\nThe next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.\r\n\r\n\"You can't get out of your room?\" the captaind asked, \"Why not?\"\r\n\r\nThe stewardess replied, \"There are only three doors in here,\" she cried, \"one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says \"Do Not Disturb\"!!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5149,
"title": "Blonde Stewardess"
},
{
"body": "+ You dance and it makes the band skip.\r\n\r\n+ You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. \r\n\r\n+ You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.\r\n\r\n+ Your driver's license says, \"Picture continued on other side.\"\r\n\r\n+ You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.\r\n\r\n+ You could sell shade.\r\n\r\n+ Your blood type is Ragu.\r\n\r\n+ You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5155,
"title": "You Know It's Time To Diet When...."
},
{
"body": "This guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender,\u00c2\u00a0\"Got any specials today?\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender replies,\u00c2\u00a0 \"Yes, as a\u00c2\u00a0matter of fact, we have a new drink that was invented by a gynecologist who is a patron of ours. It's a mix\u00c2\u00a0of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka.\" \r\n\r\nThe guy\u00c2\u00a0asks, \"Geez, what kind of drink is that?\"\u00c2\u00a0\r\n\u00c2\u00a0\r\nThe bartender responds, \"We call it a Pabst Smir.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5156,
"title": "New Drink"
},
{
"body": "How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They like to keep their clients in the dark!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 5161,
"title": "Lawyer"
},
{
"body": "You're so slow that if you were a train engine, the caboose would be leading.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5162,
"title": "You're So Slow..."
},
{
"body": "Why did the pencil cross the road? It was lead!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5163,
"title": "Pencil"
},
{
"body": "There are these kids at school, each bragging about how they ruined something in an amount of time.\r\n\r\n1st kid: I wore out a pair of shoes in 1 month.\r\n\r\n2nd kid: I wore out a pair of jeans in 1 week.\r\n\r\n3rd kid: Oh that's nothing, I wore out my babysitter in 5 minutes!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5165,
"title": "Bragging Children"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Can you pay a little attention to this lesson?!\r\n\r\nPupil: I am trying my best to pay as little attention as I can!!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5166,
"title": "Attention"
},
{
"body": "I went into a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So, I asked for French Toast in the time of the Renaissance",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5167,
"title": "Breakfast"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about all the Wal-Marts being taken out of Afghanistan?\r\n\r\nYeah thet're putting in Targets!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5168,
"title": "Target"
},
{
"body": "A teacher asks a first grader a simple math question.\r\nTEACHER:\" If you had 50 cents in one pocket, and you asked you dad for another 50 cents, how much would you have?\"\r\nSTUDENT:\"50 cents.\"\r\nTEACHER: \"You obviously don't know how to add.\"\r\nSTUDENT: \"You obviously don't know my dad!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5171,
"title": "If You Had 50 Cents"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why are frogs so happy?\r\nA: They eat whatever bugs them!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5172,
"title": "Frog #1"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: Depends on how many lightbulbs need changing.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5174,
"title": "Lightbulbs"
},
{
"body": "Say the word pig before each word.\r\n\r\nPigs\r\nAbout\r\nTalking\r\nIdiot\r\nThis\r\nGot\r\nI\r\nLong\r\nHow\r\nLook\r\n\r\nNow say the word pig after each word\r\n\r\nPigs\r\nAbout\r\nTalking\r\nIdiot\r\nThis\r\nGot\r\nI\r\nLong\r\nHow\r\nLook\r\n\r\nNext say the word pig before and after each word\r\n\r\nPigs\r\nAbout\r\nTalking\r\nIdiot\r\nThis\r\nGot\r\nI\r\nLong\r\nHow\r\nLook\r\n\r\nFinally read the list of words from the bottom up.\r\n\r\nPigs\r\nAbout\r\nTalking\r\nIdiot\r\nThis\r\nGot\r\nI\r\nLong\r\nHow\r\nLook\r\n\r\nHave a Great day :)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5175,
"title": "PIGS"
},
{
"body": "Q:What happens when two frogs collide?\r\nA: They get tongue tied\r\n\r\nQ: How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?\r\nA: Unhoppy\r\n\r\nQ: What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?\r\nA: A rubbit\r\n\r\nQ: Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?\r\nA: He liked a good croak and dagger\r\n\r\nQ: What happened to the frog's car when his parking permit expired?\r\nA: It got toad",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5183,
"title": "FROGS"
},
{
"body": "Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date? \r\nSo they have some place to put their feet.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5185,
"title": "Earrings"
},
{
"body": "Your breath is so bad, you need a tic-tac the size of a watermelon!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5188,
"title": "Your Breath..."
},
{
"body": "One mistake my mom made when I was three: she taught me how to read the word napkin.\r\n\r\nThe second mistake she made: I asked her why \"napkins\" were under the sink. She said they were for \"special occasions\"\r\n\r\nThe third mistake she made: My mom asked me to set the table for the special occasion tonight. So I went to the bathroom and got the \"napkins\" for special ocassions, and set them on the table. When I got done, my dad came in and burst out in laughter, along with my uncle and aunt as they walked in. When my mom came in, her face turned bright red.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5189,
"title": "Napkins"
},
{
"body": "There once was a women who bought a new house but didn't know what to name it. So she stuck her head out the window and heard Hairy Butt! So she decided to name the house Hairy Butt. Then sometime later she had a baby boy but didn't know what to name it, so she stuck her head out the window and heard the word Crack, so she named her son Crack. The next day she lost her son so she called the police and said \"Help! I looked all over my Hairy Butt but I can't find my little Crack.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 5191,
"title": "Hairy Butt"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama is so fat, when you were born, you came out singin' \"It's a small world after all.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5194,
"title": "When You Were Born"
},
{
"body": "Q: What did the chicken say after it crossed the road?\r\nA: \"Why is everyone always talking about me?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5202,
"title": "Cross the Road #1"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?\r\nA: To prove he wasn't chicken.\r\n\r\nQ: Why did the pencil cross the road?\r\nA: It was lead.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5203,
"title": "Cross the Road #2"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat and hairy, that if she dyed her hair green, people would use her for golf practice.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5204,
"title": "Fat and Hairy"
},
{
"body": "There was a couple. One day the husband went to work, as usual. All of a sudden a man in a truck appeared at the front door. The husband, frightened, hid behind a tree. The man exchanged a few words with the wife and left. The husband decided to get rid of that man once and for all.\r\nThe next day, the husband went to work. But this time, he carried a shotgun with him. The man in the truck came again, the husband shot the man. Then the wife came out and cried,\" You idiot! That man was filling in for my boyfriend!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5206,
"title": "The Subsitute"
},
{
"body": "Child: Mom! I got a 100% on my homework!\r\n\r\nMom: Really? On what subject?\r\n\r\nChild: A 40% on science and a 60% on spelling.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5208,
"title": "The \"Good\" Grade"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so dumb she can't get the ball to touch the ground.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5210,
"title": "Dumb"
},
{
"body": "How to break up a dating couple:\r\n\r\nKnock-knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nOrange.\r\nOrange who?\r\nOrange you glad I dumped your girlfriend last night?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5214,
"title": "Orange Date"
},
{
"body": "At a party, a man came up to a stranger and asked \"Have you heard the latest Bush joke?\"\r\nThe man replies, \"I am Bush.\"\r\nThe man said, \"Oh. I'll tell it slowly.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 5215,
"title": "Bush Joke"
},
{
"body": "President Bush was visiting a classroom where a teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the lesson clearer, he said, \"Now, children, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run to my face.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, sir,\" one of the girls said.\r\n\r\n\"Then why is it,\" he continued, \"that while I am standing upright the blood doesn't run to my feet?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because your feet aren't empty,\" replied a boy in the back of the room.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 5216,
"title": "Bush Visits a Classroom"
},
{
"body": "As governor, Bush got to act ceremonially as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap, Bush pulled over a farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that kept buzzing around his head.\r\n\r\nThe farmer said, \"Having some trouble with those circle flies there, are ya, sir?\"\r\n\r\nBush stopped writing the ticket and said, \"Well, yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies.\"\r\n\r\nSo the farmer said, \"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses.\"\r\n\r\nBush said, \"Oh,\" and went back to writing the ticket. After a minute, he stopped and slowly said, \"Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?\"\r\n\r\nThe farmer said, \"Oh, no, governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ass.\"\r\nGrinning broadly, Bush says, \"Well, that's a good thing,\" and goes back to writing the ticket.\r\n\r\nAfter a long pause, the farmer says, \"Hard to fool them flies, though.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 5219,
"title": "Circle Flies"
},
{
"body": "You're so stupid, you threw a rock at the ground and missed.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5220,
"title": "Rock"
},
{
"body": "President Bush looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him. \r\n\"What is it now?\" sighs the president. \r\n\"It's this abortion bill,\" replies the aide. \"What do you want to do about it?\" \r\n\"Go ahead and pay it,\" says the president.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 5221,
"title": "Bush's Bills"
},
{
"body": "A teacher in California asked her class, \"How many of you are Republicans?\"\r\n\r\nEveryone in the class raised their hands except for one girl. \"Mary,\" the teacher inquired, \"Why didn't you raise your hand?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because I'm not a Republican,\" she replied. \"I'm a Democrat.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher asked her, \"Why are you a Democrat?\"\r\n\r\nAnd Mary said, \"Well, my mother and my father are both Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the teacher in an annoyed tone, \"That's no reason why you have to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your parents were both criminals?\"\r\n\r\n\"Then,\" Mary said, \"We'd be Republicans.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 5222,
"title": "Republican Class"
},
{
"body": "George Bush senior and junior were dragging the deer they had just shot back to their truck. Another hunter approached, pulling his along, too.\r\n\r\n\"Sirs, I don't want to tell you how to do something,\" he said, \"but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer the other way, then the antlers won't drag on the ground.\"\r\n\r\nAfter the other hunter left, they decided to try it. A little while later, George junior said to George senior, \"You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!\"\r\n\r\n\"Yeah,\" said George senior, \"but we're getting farther from the truck.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 5223,
"title": "Deer Hunting"
},
{
"body": "Did you fall out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on your way down?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5227,
"title": "Ugly Tree"
},
{
"body": "Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast this morning?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5228,
"title": "Stupid: It's Whats For Breakfast"
},
{
"body": "A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.\r\n\r\nThe cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.\r\n\r\n\"What does it look like?\" she finally asked.\r\n\r\nThe policewoman replied, \"It's square and it has your picture on it.\"\r\n\r\nThe driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.\r\n\r\n\"Here it is,\" she said.\r\n\r\nThe blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, \"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5231,
"title": "Okay, You Can Go"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma stinks so bad she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5232,
"title": "Momma Stinks"
},
{
"body": "Mom: Why did you get a grade so low?\r\n\r\nJunior: Because of absence.\r\n\r\nMom: Who, You?\r\n\r\nJunior: No, the kid who sits right next to me.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5234,
"title": "The Absence"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Larry, name two pronouns.\r\n\r\nLarry: Who, Me?\r\n\r\nTeacher: That answer is correct.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5235,
"title": "Random Answers"
},
{
"body": "Why is Mississippi River unusual?\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause it has four eyes and can't see!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5236,
"title": "Mississipi"
},
{
"body": "Where did they sign the Declaration of Independence?\r\n\r\n\r\nAt the bottom.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5237,
"title": "Where Did They Sign the Declaration?"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Alvin, how many letters are in the alphabet?\r\n\r\nAlvin: 18.\r\n\r\nTeacher: Wrong, there are 26.\r\n\r\nAlvin: No, teacher, there used to be 26, but ET went home in a UFO and the CIA went after him.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5239,
"title": "Alphabet Problem"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Name an animal that lives in the tundra.\r\n\r\nPupil:A reindeer.\r\n\r\nTeacher: Good, now name another one.\r\n\r\nPupil: Another reindeer.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5241,
"title": "Reindeer"
},
{
"body": "\"Teacher, I can't do this problem!\"\r\n \"Any five year old can do that problem.\"\r\n\"Damn! No wonder I can't do it! I'm almost ten!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5242,
"title": "Premature Pupil"
},
{
"body": "Atlas is the biggest thief in history, because he held up the whole world.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5244,
"title": "Atlas"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nTerra.\r\nTerra who?\r\nTerra reason you won't let me in?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5245,
"title": "Terra?"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when every car in the nation is pink?\r\n\r\nAnswer: a pink carnation (the flower)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5246,
"title": "Luv Pink"
},
{
"body": "There once was a priest, a bishop, and the Pope. They were all at the park and they saw a deep pond. The Pope told the bishop and the priest, \"I bet I can walk on water\". So he goes to the pond and, amazingly, he walks on water and gets to the other side. Then the bishop tells the priest, \"I bet I can walk on water\". So the bishop goes to the pond and, amazingly, he walks on water and gets to the other side. The priest is so surprised by all this he decides to give it a shot, so he goes to the pond and he steps on the water but he falls in and gets drenched. On the other side, the Pope is telling the bishop, \"Do you think we should've told him about the stepping stones in the pond?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 5247,
"title": "Walk on Water"
},
{
"body": "There were three Chinese men who were new to America. They went inside a telephone booth to make a call and they dialed the operator. The operator said i dont understand you, please call back when you know some english. So they were looking around and they heard someone say, \"I did it! I did it!\" So the first Chinese man learned those words. Then the second Chinese man heard someone say, \"For 50 cents, 50 cents.\" so he learned those words. Then the third man heard someone say, \"Im first. Im first.\" so the last Chinese guy learned those words. Then right in front of them was a body that was murdered. A cop came and took them to court. So when they went to court the judge asked, \"Who did it?\" The first chinese guy said,\"I did it! i did it!\" Then the judge asked, \"Why?\" and the second chinese said, \"For 50 cents, 50 cents.\" Then the judge said, \"You know you guys are going to be electrocuted. The last Chinese guy said, \"I'm first I'm first.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5248,
"title": "Three Chinese Men"
},
{
"body": "Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one has ever been before, but they decide to go anyway. They take a couple of guns and a hunting dog and head out into the woods. A few hours later, they still haven't caught anything.\r\n\r\n\"I don't get it,\" says the first blonde. \"Why haven't we caught anything yet?\"\r\n\r\nThe second blonde says,\"I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5250,
"title": "Duck Hunting"
},
{
"body": "Have you heard about the new blonde paint? It's not too bright but it spreads real easy.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5252,
"title": "Blonde Paint"
},
{
"body": "A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.\r\n\r\nAfter everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.\r\n\r\nThe couple was curious about what the stamp read, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.\r\n\r\nIn very tiny letters, the stamp said, \"When you can read this, come back and see me.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5256,
"title": "Have a First Child"
},
{
"body": "A little boy goes to his father one day and says, \"Daddy, what is politics?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" his father replied, \"let me try to explain it to you this way. Let's say that you're the people. I'm the breadwinner of the family so we'll call me the economy. Your mother is in charge so we'll call her government. Your nanny will be the working class, and your baby brother is the future. Now go think about that and see if you can understand.\"\r\n\r\nThe boy thinks about it but doesn't really get it so he goes to bed. He wakes up in the middle of the night and hears his baby brother crying. He goes to check on his brother and sees that he has soiled himself but doesn't know how to change a diaper. He goes to his parents' room to wake them up, but only his mother is there, snoring loudly. He goes to the nanny's room instead and finds the door locked. When he looks through the keyhole, he sees his father in bed with the nanny. Frustrated, he just goes back to bed.\r\n\r\nIn the morning, the boy goes to his father and says, \"I think I understand politics now.\"\r\n\r\n\"Good,\" says the father. \"Let's see what you've come up with.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" says the boy, \"While the economy is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being ignored, and the future is in deep shit.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 5260,
"title": "What is Politics?"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a horny fish?\r\n\r\nA blowfish",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5263,
"title": "Fish"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Jimmy! Count from one all the way to ten!\r\n\r\nJimmy: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10.\r\n\r\nTeacher: Good, now what comes after that?\r\n\r\nJimmy:Jack, queen and king!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5267,
"title": "Counting Cards"
},
{
"body": "What is 4-2?\r\ntwo.\r\n\r\nWhat is 8-6?\r\ntwo.\r\n\r\nWho wrote Tom Sawyer?\r\nTwain\r\n\r\nNow say the answers altogether.\r\nTwo two Twain.\r\n\r\nHave a nice twip!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5268,
"title": "Have a Nice Twip!"
},
{
"body": "Child: \"Teacher! I can't find my boots!\"\r\n\r\nTeacher: \"Are you sure?\"\r\n\r\nChild: \"Yes! There is only one pair left, and it's not mine!\"\r\n\r\nTeacher:\"Are you sure?\"\r\n\r\nChild:\" Definitely! Mine had snow on them!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5269,
"title": "I Cant Find My Boots!"
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all go to a bar. \r\n\r\nThe redhead walks up to the bartender and says,\"I'll have a BL.\" So the bartender gives her a Bud Light.\r\n\r\nThe brunette walks up next and says,\"I'll have an ML.\" So the bartender gives her a Miller Light.\r\n\r\nThe blonde is catchingon so she goes up to the bartender and says,\"I'll have a 15.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender thinks about it, looks around, and says,\"Ok, you stumped me. What's a 15?\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde goes,\"Duh! 7 and 7.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5270,
"title": "Drinks"
},
{
"body": "The following event actually happened to a famous basketball coach.\r\n \r\n \"When I first got a job as La Salle University's basketball coach, the phone rang and my wife told me it was Sports Illustrated. I cut myself shaving and fell down the steps in my rush to get the phone.\r\nWhen I got there, a voice on the other end said, 'For just 75 cents an issue...'\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 5271,
"title": "An Important Phone Call"
},
{
"body": "Why don't skeletons ever play music at church?\r\n\r\nBecause they don't have any organs!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5277,
"title": "Skin and Bones"
},
{
"body": "What did the statue say to the other after a break-up and make-up?\r\n\r\nI'm sorry I took you for granite. (granted)\r\n\r\nhahahaha",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5278,
"title": "Marble, Stone, They're All the Same!"
},
{
"body": "Why does Hershey's chocolate taste so good? \r\n\r\nBecause they are made by women! (Her-She)\r\n\r\nhahahaha",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5279,
"title": "Yum, Chocolate!"
},
{
"body": "A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5281,
"title": "Golf Ball"
},
{
"body": "Child: Mommy, why am I so skinny?\r\n\r\nMommy: Don't worry about it, dear. When your father was born, he only weighed four pounds.\r\n\r\nChild: Really? Did he live?",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5283,
"title": "Skinny Kid"
},
{
"body": "My uncle is very superstitious. He won't work any week that has a Friday in it.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5284,
"title": "Excuse Not to Work"
},
{
"body": "yo momma so fat she played pool with the planets!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5287,
"title": "Soo Fat"
},
{
"body": "One day, Harry and Sarah were having a petty argument.\r\n\r\nAfter shouting back and forth, Sarah finally says, \"Let's make a deal. To end this argument, you admit that I am right and I will admit that I am wrong.\"\r\n\r\nHarry thought for a moment, agreed, and asked her to go first.\r\n\r\nSarah replied, \"I'm sorry Harry, I am wrong.\"\r\n\r\nIn response, Harry shouts happily, \"You're right!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5290,
"title": "You're Right!"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, there was a small family, with a little boy named Harry. They had just moved into a new home. It was tall, creaky, and just the place you would expect to be haunted. But, Harry did not believe in ghosts, or mummies, or witches or any of that stuff. \r\n One day, his parents had to go to the store. They said,\"Harry, if you need anything, just call us, or your neighbors.\" He replied,\"I'll be fine.\" So they left, and Harry was alone. He went to his room, and started to read a book. But, he was interrupted by a little *raprap*. He went downstairs to see if someone was knocking on the door. There was no one there. He heard it again! *raprap* He went back to his room. He heard it again!!! *raprap* He went to the attic stairs door. This time, it was louder!!!! *RAPRAP* He opened the door. *RAPRAPRAP* it got louder and faster as he climbed the stairs. *RAPRAPRAPRAP* He opened the attic door, slowly and carefully, and he saw....\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\na box filled to the brim...\r\n\r\n\r\nwith......\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nwrapping paper!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5292,
"title": "Haunted House"
},
{
"body": "Earth Worm: Oh, I wish that darn evil Mister Barney hadn't chopped my brother into two sections!\r\nOther Earth Worm: Why?\r\nEarth Worm: Because, now I have two half brothers!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5293,
"title": "Dirt, Dirt, and More Dirt!"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?\r\n\r\nA: The lawyer charges more.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 5295,
"title": "What's the Difference?"
},
{
"body": "Melvin checked out a book from the library because the title read \"How to Hug\".\r\nIt turned out to be volume 7 of the encyclopedia.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5296,
"title": "Deceiving Book Title"
},
{
"body": "Q: What happened then?\r\nA: He told me, he says, \"I have to kill you because you can identify me.\"\r\nQ: Did he kill you?\r\n\r\nLawyer: Were you alone or by yourself?\r\n\r\nLawyer: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?\r\n\r\nLawyer: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?\r\n\r\nLawyer: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?\r\n\r\nLawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?\r\nWitness: Not yet.\r\n\r\nLawyer: A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, \"Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 5297,
"title": "Idiot Lawyers"
},
{
"body": "You're pretty... pretty ugly!\r\n\r\nYou finally figured out how to screw in that lightbulb, but the power went out.\r\n\r\nYou're smart... smart as a fencepost!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5299,
"title": "Add Ons #1"
},
{
"body": "yo momma is so poor everytime someone rings the doorbell the toilet flushes",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5303,
"title": "So Poor"
},
{
"body": "You're so stupid you thought \"harass\" was two words!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5305,
"title": "Harass"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job? \r\n\r\nA: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5306,
"title": "Why Quit?"
},
{
"body": "If my dog's face looked like your face, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5307,
"title": "Dog Face"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock.\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nIke, Anne, Wyatt, Tillie.\r\n\r\nIke, Anne, Wyatt, Tillie who?\r\n\r\nIke Anne Wyatt Tillie (I can't wait till)\r\nit's three o' clock!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5308,
"title": "Names"
},
{
"body": "What is it called when an insect kills themself?\r\n\r\nPesticide!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5309,
"title": "More Dirt!!"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock.\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nDewey.\r\n\r\nDewey Who?\r\n\r\nDewey(Do we) have to listen to all this knocking?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5310,
"title": "KNock Knock Knock"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nJustin.\r\nJustin who?\r\nJustin town and thought I'd say hello.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5311,
"title": "Dropping in Town!"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock?\r\nWho's there?\r\nWater.\r\nWater who?\r\nWater you doing?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5312,
"title": "Agua, Porfavor."
},
{
"body": "Knock knock?\r\nWho's there?\r\nOswald.\r\nOswald who?\r\nOswald(I swallowed) my gum!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5313,
"title": "Gulp, Gulp"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock?\r\nWho's there?\r\nKip.\r\nKip who?\r\nKip your hands off me!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5315,
"title": "Don't Touch Me!"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock?\r\nWho's there?\r\nHowie.\r\nHowie who?\r\nHowie gonna figure this out?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5316,
"title": "Hard Math Problem"
},
{
"body": "Once, a teacher was showing a child a picture of a firefighter taking a child out of a burning building. The teacher asked what that was. The child replied,\"A pregnant firefighter.\" Instead of scolding him, she calmly asked,\"Do you know what pregnant means?\" The little boy just said, \"Yes, it means to be carrying a child.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5317,
"title": "Pregnant?"
},
{
"body": "yo momma so dumb that she went to the movies and after they told her under 17 not permitted she went back and got 16 more friends.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5319,
"title": "Yo Momma So Dumb......."
},
{
"body": "You have a face like a baby, with a brain to match.\r\n\r\n* Credited to my friend fqzeng.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5320,
"title": "Baby Faces"
},
{
"body": "(especially if you do this in public)\r\n\r\nChild: Would you still love me if I did something bad?\r\nParent: Yes, of course.\r\nChild: I mean something REALLY bad.\r\nParent: Of course...\r\nChild: No, I mean something REALLY really bad.\r\nParent: No...\r\nChild: No, really. Something REALLY really really-\r\nParent: ALL RIGHT! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!!!???!!!???!!!???!!!???111///111///111///111///\r\n\r\nChild: (Innocently) Nothing, why?",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5322,
"title": "How to Make Your Parents Seem Senile"
},
{
"body": "These are just a few of those typical sexist jokes- they make me chuckle ( or groan) so ya know- I'm a girl : )\r\n \r\n*what's worse than a male chauvinist pig?\r\n - A woman who won't do what she's told.\r\n\r\n *I married Mrs. Right- I just wish I'd known her first name was Always *\r\n\r\n* How many men does it take to open a beer?\r\n -None. It should be open by thetime she brings it\r\n\r\n * What is the best way to always remember your wife's birthday?\r\n - Forget it once",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5324,
"title": "A Few Chauvinist Bits ....."
},
{
"body": "Your Mama's so fat when she went to a hotel she asked for a water bed and they just covered up the pool with a blanket and said no divers.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5332,
"title": "Your Mama"
},
{
"body": "The accountant's prayer: \r\n\"Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 5333,
"title": "Accountant Prayer"
},
{
"body": "The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, \"That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old.\" \r\n\r\n\"How did you get such exact information?\" \r\n\r\n\"I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5334,
"title": "Visiting the Museum of Natural History"
},
{
"body": "There was a man who had problems with his penis getting hard. So he went to a doctor and said,\"Doctor, can you please help me?\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor said,\"Well we can put on replacement penis.\" There was a wood one, a metal one, and a 20 foot penis.\r\n\r\nThe man said,\"Yes, that will really help.. I'll take the wood one.\" The doctor told him to come back the next day to let him know how he liked it. \r\n\r\nThe next day he came back and said,\"Doctor, the wood penis is giving my girlfriend splinters and we can't have that.\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor said,\"Well, try the metal one and come back and tell me how it works.\"\r\n\r\nThe next day he came back and said,\"Doctor, its not working right. It's too cold for my girlfriend.\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor said,\"Well, I haven't let any one try the 20 foot one yet but there is a first for everything.\" Just like the other ones, he told the man to come back.\r\n\r\nThe next day he did and he said,\"Doctor, I love this new penis!\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor replied,\"What do you like about it the most?\"\r\n\r\nThe man said,\"Well you see that girl over there? BAM! I got her.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 5336,
"title": "Target Practice"
},
{
"body": "Feeling lost and adrift? Gain inner peace by learning the way of the Homer Simpson...\r\nHere are some Homeric jewels to live by:\r\n\r\n\"The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of the bottle. They're on TV.\r\n\r\n\"What's the point of going out? We're just going to end up back here anyway.\"\r\n\r\n\"Trying is the first step toward failure.\"\r\n\r\n\"You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once and move on.\"\r\n\r\n\"Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?\"\r\n\r\n\"The three little sentences that will get you through life. No. 1: Cover for me. No. 2: Oh, good idea, boss. No. 3: It was like that when I got here.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5337,
"title": "The Tao of Homer"
},
{
"body": "\"Somebody complimented on my driving today,\" a blonde told her friend, \"I found a note on my windshield that said'Parking Fine'.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5338,
"title": "Parking Fine"
},
{
"body": "A gladiator was having a rough day at the arena-his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he fought on, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up. He was now both unarmed and defeated.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5339,
"title": "The Gladiator"
},
{
"body": "Irvin is driving down the freeway to go to work when his cell phone rings.\r\n\r\nIt's his wife: \"Irving,I just heard on the news that there's a car going down the freeway in the wrong direction. Please try to be careful.\"\r\n\r\n\"It's true,\"Irving replies,\"But not just one car- there are hundreds of them!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5341,
"title": "Highway"
},
{
"body": "A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and POOF--the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.\r\n Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, \"I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.\" So the fairy picked up her wand and POOF -- the husband was 90.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5342,
"title": "Poof"
},
{
"body": "A man phoned up an exclusive escort agency and asked for a woman.\r\n\"No problem,\" said the receptionist. \r\n\"There's just one thing,\" said the man,\"she has to be 6' 6\" tall and weigh 48lbs.\" \r\n\"Mmm,let me see --yes we can do that for you, but it will be expensive,\" said the receptionist. \r\n\"That's o.k,\" said the man. \r\n\"When do you want her?\". \r\n\"Tomorrow night at 7pm,\" said the man.\r\n \r\nThe next night the doorbell rings and a painfully thin 6' 6\" black woman is standing on his doorstep. \r\n\"Come in, take off all your clothes and go down on all fours,\" said the man. \r\nShe complies with his request. \r\nHe opens the kitchen door and a scrawny black labrador emerges. \r\nThe woman thinks, \"Oh shit, what have I let myself in for?\" \r\nThe man points at his dog and says, \"Now that's what you'll look like if you don't eat all your dog food.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5352,
"title": "A Man's Best Friend"
},
{
"body": "Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. \"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? and who are you?\" he asked.\r\n\"This is not your bedroom,\" the man replied, \"I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven.\" \"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die - I'm too young.\" said Harry. \"If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately.\"\r\n\"It's not that easy\", said St.Peter, \"you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own.\" Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. \"I want to return as a hen.\" Harry replied.\r\nAnd in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But, man, now \"he\" felt like the rear end was gonna blow, then along came the rooster.\r\n\"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm.\" he said. \"How does it feel?\" \"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up.\" \"Oh that!\" said the rooster.\r\n\"That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?\" \"No, how do I do that?\" Harry asked.\r\n\"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can.\" Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground. \"Wow\" Harry said, \"that felt really good!\" So he clucked again and squeezed - and you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: \"Harry, for God's sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5353,
"title": "Am I Dead"
},
{
"body": "How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb? \r\nTwo, one to turn it the other to grade the person.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 5361,
"title": "The Teachers"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why do blondes drive VWs ?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA: Because they can't spell PORSCHE",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5362,
"title": "Cars"
},
{
"body": "After class ends a 1st grader goes up to his teacher and says, \"I don't mean to scare you Teacher but my parents said that if I keep getting bad grades, then...\"\r\n\r\n\"Somebody's gonna get a spanking.\" (nodnod)",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5364,
"title": "Misunderstood Warning"
},
{
"body": "One weekend, a couple were having breakfast when the radio suddenly blared, \"We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow! Please move your car to the even numbered side of the street so that the street sweepers can come through!\"\r\n\r\nSo the wife goes out and moves her car.\r\n\r\nThe next weekend, the couple were having breakfast when the radio suddenly blared, \"We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow! Please move your car to the odd numbered side of the street so that the street sweepers can come through!\"\r\n\r\nSo the wife goes out and moves her car.\r\n\r\nThe next weekend, the couple were having breakfast when the radio suddenly blared, \"We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow! Please move your car to the-\"\r\n\r\nAnd suddenly the power went out. The wife said to her husband, \"I didn't hear which side of the street to move the car to. Do you know which side of the street I should move the car to?\"\r\n\r\nAnd her husband said to her nicely, as all husbands do so to blond wives, \"Honey, why don't you leave the car in the garage this time?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5365,
"title": "Chicago Snow"
},
{
"body": "yo momma so skinny she can hula-hoop with a cheerio.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5366,
"title": "Yo Momma So Skinny.........."
},
{
"body": "You know your day is bad if your twin sister forgot your birthday.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5371,
"title": "Bad Day"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so dumb that when we told her it was a serial killer on the loose she went and locked all the boxes of cereal up in the cabinet.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5373,
"title": "Now That's Dumb"
},
{
"body": "How do you know if you're a redneck?\r\n\r\n\r\nIf you go to a cousin's wedding looking for a girlfriend.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 5375,
"title": "How Do You Know If You're a Redneck?"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat she went on a sea food diet - she see food and eat it.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5377,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "knock-knock.\r\nwho's there?\r\nyo mama.\r\nyo mama who?\r\nthis is yo mama stop playing.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5380,
"title": "Mama"
},
{
"body": "My friend's mom is so fat I was upstairs and when she fell I ran down screaming, \"EARTHQUAKE!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5381,
"title": "Fat Mama"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between snow men and snow women?\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n Snow BALLS!\r\n (Ding dong kind)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5389,
"title": "Difference"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so stupid she went to commit suicide and tried to jump out her basement window.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5398,
"title": "So Stupid"
},
{
"body": "yo momma so fat she has her own area code.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5401,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "Here are some more for you...\r\n\r\nYo momma's so stupid she failed a survey.\r\n\r\nYo momma's so stupid she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building and she got lost on the way down.\r\n\r\nYo momma's so stupid I saw her jumping up and down, and she said she forgot to shake the medicine before she took it.\r\n\r\nYo momma's so stupid she tried to drown a fish.\r\n\r\nYo momma's so stupid she got hit by a cup and told the police she was mugged.\r\n\r\nThat's all.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5410,
"title": "Yo Mamma 2..."
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you mix cigarettes in hot water?\r\n\r\nA soggy butt.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5415,
"title": "Cigarettes in Hot Water"
},
{
"body": "1.How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?\r\n\r\n2.Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.\r\n\r\n3.Let me smell that shirt-don't worry, its good for another week.\r\n\r\n4.Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed him and walk him every day.\r\n\r\n5.That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.\r\n\r\n6.Why don't you hitchhike? It would be totally cheaper.\r\n\r\n7.The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.\r\n\r\n8.Don't clean your room often; It makes the rest of the house look bad.\r\n\r\n9.Can I borrow your new speed-metal CDs?\r\n\r\n10.Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure out what to do.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5417,
"title": "Things Your Mom Would Never Say To You"
},
{
"body": "Why are there so few amusement parks in Japan?\r\n\r\nBecause they aren't tall enough to ride them!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5418,
"title": "Japanese Amusement Parks"
},
{
"body": "A man and his doctor are discussing a surgery the man will soon undergo. The doctor asks if there are any last questions.\r\n\"Doctor, will I be able to play my violin after this surgery?\"\r\n\"Of course! Why would you think you couldn't?\"\r\n\"I couldn't play it before.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 5420,
"title": "Surgery"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nSue.\r\nSue who?\r\nI'll sue you if ya don't let me in!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5422,
"title": "Sue You..."
},
{
"body": "One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, \"Why are you reading both those books?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the orangutan, \"I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5424,
"title": "An Orangutan's Reading List"
},
{
"body": "A teacher decides to have Career Day in her class. She asks each student to tell the class what their father's job is, spell it, and then explain what they do.\r\n\r\nMary stands up and says, \"My father is a policeman. P -O-L-I-C-E-M-A-N. He puts bad people in jail and keeps us all safe.\"\r\n\r\nSue stands up next and says, \"My father is a doctor. D-O-C-T-O-R. He helps sick people get better.\"\r\n\r\nBobby is next. He stands up and says, \"My father is a pharmacist. F...F-R...\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher tells Bobby to sit down and try to figure it out and moves on to the next kid.\r\n\r\nJohnny stands up next and says, \"My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E. He'd give you 10-1 odds that Bobby is never going to spell 'pharmacist.'\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5425,
"title": "Father's Jobs"
},
{
"body": "Q: How can you tell if a blonde has stolen your bike?\r\n\r\nA: She's running away with it under her arm.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5426,
"title": "Blonde Thief"
},
{
"body": "Two guys are out walking their dogs one day and decide to stop at a bar to get a drink. When they get there, however, there's a sign on the door that says, \"No Pets Allowed.\"\r\n\r\nThe guys are about to go home when one of them gets an idea. He tells his friend to wait a few minutes and then follow his lead. He puts on his sunglasses and walks in with his German Shepherd.\r\n\r\nThe bartender sees him walk in with the dog and says, \"Can't you read? No pets allowed in here!\"\r\n\r\nThe guy says, \"But I'm blind. This is my seeing-eye dog.\" The bartender thinks for a minute and decides to let him stay.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, the friend is watching through the window. He sees the plan work for the first guy so he decides to give it a try himself. He puts on his sunglasses and walks in with his little chihuahua.\r\n\r\nThe bartender looks at him and says, \"No pets allowed. You're going to have to leave.\"\r\n\r\n\"But I'm blind,\" says the guy. \"This is my seeing-eye dog.\"\r\n\r\n\"Please,\" says the bartender. \"You really expect me to believe that they gave you that little chihuahua as a seeing-eye dog?\"\r\n\r\nWithout missing a beat the guy replies, \"They gave me a chihuahua?\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 5430,
"title": "Seeing-eye Dogs"
},
{
"body": "This guy sits down at the bar, and starts telling the bartendar, \"I've been married for 12 years now and I want some variety. I'm sick of the same old thing! I want something different!\" The bartendar says, \"12 years thats a long time, you don't want to do anything stupid! Hell, if ya want something different just flip her over!\" The man replies, \"What? And have a houseful of kids!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 5432,
"title": "If You Want Something Different"
},
{
"body": "An Indian man made a painting with the sun above a beach.\r\n\r\nHe proudly displayed his painting. When people marvel at his work and asked, \"What's it called?\" He said, \"Sun of a Beach.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5434,
"title": "The Painting"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5436,
"title": "Tree"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so dumb, that when we told her it was chilly outside she ran out with a bowl and a spoon.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5438,
"title": "Chilli"
},
{
"body": "A lonely female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming toward her\u00e2\u0080\u0094but he was walking straight and not sideways!\r\n\r\nImpressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately.\r\n\r\nThe next morning she noticed him walking sideways like any ordinary crab! She asked, \"What happened? Yesterday you were able to walk straight!\"\r\n\r\nHe answered \"What?! I can't get that drunk every day!\".",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5439,
"title": "Crabs"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you serve food in space?\r\n\r\nA: On flying saucers",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5440,
"title": "How to Serve Food in Space"
},
{
"body": "A guy walked up to this little boy and asked what was closer, ( it was a joke) the moon or the Cayman Islands. The little boy said, \"The moon, because you can't see the Caymen Islands, but you can see the moon.\"\r\n The guy decided to show some people on the streets this fine genius. That same day, the guy shouted out, \"Listen to the genius. Once the guy asked which was closer, the moon or the Cayman Islands, the little boy said \" The Cayman Islands.\"\r\n\"Why do you think that?\" the guy asked. the boy said \"Yesterday, I saw some people from the Cayman Islands. Have YOU ever seen some one from the moon? I sure haven't.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5441,
"title": "Cayman Islands"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why was Moses the most wicked man?\r\nA. He broke all 10 Commandments at once.\r\n\r\n\r\nQ. What animal could Noah not trust?\r\nA. The cheetah.\r\n\r\n\r\nQ. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?\r\nA. Flood lights.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 5458,
"title": "Bible Q&A"
},
{
"body": "A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. \r\n\r\nThe bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. \"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.\"\r\n\r\nWith that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...\"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5461,
"title": "Royal Squeez"
},
{
"body": "Exam Question: Define courage.\r\n\r\nStudent Answer: This is.",
"category": "College",
"id": 5464,
"title": "Exam Answer"
},
{
"body": "There lived a Chinese and an American in a hotel. One day, the Chinese felt thirsty, so he decided to get a drink of water. So he went to the public refrigerator, took a can of coke, and drank it. Then he wanted to go pee, so he peed in the can, closed the cap, put it back in the fridge, and hid in a corner.\r\n\r\nThe American came a few minutes later. He took the can, took a sip, and then the Chinese man popped out from his hiding place and said:\r\n \"Me Chinese,\r\n \"Me play joke,\r\n \"Me go pee-pee in your coke!\"\r\n*SOCK*",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 5465,
"title": "Chinese Prank"
},
{
"body": "Three women a brunette, a woman with jet black hair, and a blonde were pregnant and at the doctors' office to find out the sex of their babies. The nurse called for the brunette and she went into the office. She came out very happy and said, \"My husband and I had sex standing up and I'm having a girl!\" \r\n\r\nThe women with jet black hair was called and went into the office. She came out very happily and said, \"My husband and I had sex lying down, and I'm having a boy!\" \r\n\r\nNext the blonde was called and went into the office. She soon ran back out crying. The other two women asked her what was wrong. The blond sobbed, \"I'm having puppies!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5468,
"title": "Babies"
},
{
"body": "Two carrots are walking down the street one day when a car suddenly comes flying around the corner and runs one of them over.\r\n\r\nAt the hospital, the doctor says to the other carrot, \"I have good news and bad news. The good news is your friend is going to live. The bad news is he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5471,
"title": "Two Carrots"
},
{
"body": "Yogi Berra is a famous baseball player who is most widely known for his renowned flubs. Here is a collection of the best.\r\n\r\n\"This is like deja vu all over again.\"\r\n\r\n\"You can observe a lot just by watching.\"\r\n\r\n\"He must have made that before he died.\" -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.\r\n\r\n\"I want to thank you for making this day necessary.\" -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.\r\n\r\n\"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it.\" -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.\r\n\r\n\"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?\"\r\n\r\n\"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.\"\r\n\r\n\"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.\"\r\n\r\n\"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.\"\r\n\r\n\"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.\"\r\n\r\n\"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.\"\r\n\r\n\"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical.\"\r\n\r\n\"It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.\"\r\n\r\n\"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting.\"\r\n\r\n\"A nickel isn't worth a dime today.\"\r\n\r\n\"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded.\"\r\n\r\n\"It gets late early out there.\" -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.\r\n\r\n\"Glen Cove.\" -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.\r\n\r\nOnce, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, \"Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?\" Yogi replied, \"Surprise me.\"\r\n\r\n\"Do you mean now?\" -- When asked for the time.\r\n\r\n\"I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four.\"\r\n\r\n\"If you come to a fork in the road, take it.\"\r\n\r\n\"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left.\"\r\n\r\n\"90% of the putts that are short don't go in.\"\r\n\r\n\"I made a wrong mistake.\"\r\n\r\n\"Texas has a lot of electrical votes.\" -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.\r\n\r\n\"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself.\" -- After being told he looked cool.\r\n\r\n\"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yeah, but we're making great time!\" -- In reply to \"Hey Yogi, I think we're lost.\"\r\n\r\n\"If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them.\"\r\n\r\n\"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.\"\r\n\r\n\"It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't.\"\r\n\r\n\"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name.\" -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to \"bearer.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'd say he's done more than that.\" -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.\r\n\r\n\"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.\"\r\n\r\n\"He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light.\" -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.\r\n\r\n\"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?\"\r\n\r\n\"It ain't the heat; it's the humility.\"\r\n\r\n\"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.\"\r\n\r\n\"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours.\"\r\n\r\n\"I didn't really say everything I said.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5482,
"title": "Yogi Berra"
},
{
"body": "New Rules\r\n\r\n\r\nNew Rules\r\nDear Employee:\r\n\r\nAs a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.\r\n\r\nUnder this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.\r\n\r\nThis program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.\r\n\r\nSLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.\r\n\r\nSCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.\r\n\r\nThis appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).\r\n\r\nUnder the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.\r\n\r\nIf an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).\r\n\r\nAs HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.\r\n\r\nManagement wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:\r\n\r\nSpecial High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.\r\n\r\nYour supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.\r\n\r\nAnd, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 5484,
"title": "New Rules"
},
{
"body": "How To Keep The IT Guy Happy\r\n\r\n\r\nWhen you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.\r\n\r\nDon't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.\r\n\r\nWhen an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.\r\n\r\nWhen you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.\r\n\r\nWhen I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.\r\n\r\nWhen an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.\r\n\r\nSend urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.\r\n\r\nWhen the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.\r\n\r\nWhen something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.\r\n\r\nWhen an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.\r\n\r\nWhen an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: \"And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?\" That motivates us.\r\n\r\nWhen the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.\r\n\r\nWhen the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.\r\n\r\nDon't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by \"My thingy blew up\".\r\n\r\nDon't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 5485,
"title": "How To Keep The IT Guy Happy"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock!\r\nWho's there?\r\nYoda!\r\nYoda who?\r\nYo-da door's stuck! Lemme in!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5488,
"title": "Stuck Door"
},
{
"body": "At weddings old people poke me and say, \"You're next!\"\r\n\r\nAt funerals, I do the same.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5490,
"title": "Old People"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, she used pillowcases for socks.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5491,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:\r\n1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.\r\n2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.\r\n3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.\r\n4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.\r\n5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.\r\n6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.\r\n7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.\r\n8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.\r\n9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.\r\n10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.\r\nGREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:\r\n1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.\r\n2) Wrinkles don't hurt.\r\n3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.\r\n4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.\r\n5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.\r\n6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. \r\nGREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD\r\n1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.\r\n2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.\r\n3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.\r\n4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.\r\n5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.\r\n6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.\r\n7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.\r\nSUCCESS:\r\nAt age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.\r\nAt age 12 success is . . having friends.\r\nAt age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.\r\nAt age 35 success is . . . having money.\r\nAt age 50 success is . . . having money.\r\nAt age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.\r\nAt age 75 success is . . . having friends.\r\nAt age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5493,
"title": "Truths of Life"
},
{
"body": "Friend 1:\"Yeh,you are looking too fat.\"\r\nFriend 2:\"You are looking too old.\"\r\nFriend 1:\"I am not old.\"\r\nFriend 2:\"Then, I am not too fat.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5494,
"title": "Too Fat"
},
{
"body": "My grandfather always said, \"Don't watch your money; watch your health.\" So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5496,
"title": "Stolen Money"
},
{
"body": "A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he\r\nwaited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and\r\nsaid, \"We have an opening for people like you.\" \"Oh, great,\" he said, \"What is\r\nit?\" \"It's called the door!\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5497,
"title": "Interview"
},
{
"body": "If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5498,
"title": "Joke"
},
{
"body": "Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one\r\nhand and four apples and three oranges in the other\r\nhand, what would you have?\r\nA. Very large hands.\r\n\r\nQ. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?\r\nA. It is not a problem, since you will never find an\r\nelephant with one hand. \r\n \r\nQ. How can a man go eight days without sleep?\r\nA. No Problems , He sleeps at night.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5499,
"title": "Q&A-1"
},
{
"body": "Q. The Bay of Bengal is in which state?\r\nA. Liquid\r\n\r\nQ. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it\r\nwill become?\r\nA. It will get Wet or Sink as simple as that. \r\n \r\nQ. What looks like half of an apple ?\r\nA. The other half. \r\n \r\nQ. What happened when the wheel was invented?\r\nA. It caused a revolution.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5503,
"title": "Q&A-2"
},
{
"body": "A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, \"If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.\" The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. He was astonished. \r\n\r\nHe went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, \"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.\"\r\n\r\nThe man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. \r\nThe man asked, \"Who are you?\"\r\n\"I am your guardian angel,\" the voice answered.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, yeah?\" the man asked. \"Then where the hell were\r\nyou when I got married?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5505,
"title": "Guardian Angel"
},
{
"body": "Are you a technical geek?\r\n\r\nDo you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes.\r\n\r\nYou know you are a technical geek when . . .\r\n\r\nWhen your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply, \"Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!\"\r\n\r\nWhen driving, you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.\r\n\r\nWhen you are counting objects \"0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...\".\r\n\r\nWhen you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a \"mega-nap\".\r\n\r\nWhen your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, \"You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor.\"\r\n\r\nWhen you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.\r\n\r\nWhen asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.\r\n\r\nWhen you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.\r\n\r\nWhen the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.\r\n\r\nWhen floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.\r\n\r\nWhen you call \"*.*\" star-dot-star.\r\n\r\nWhen you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.\r\n\r\nWhen your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, \"No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'.\"\r\n\r\nWhen your wife says, \"If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!\" and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.",
"category": "College",
"id": 5512,
"title": "The Technical Geek Test"
},
{
"body": "One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, \"Why do we have to learn this pointless information?\"\r\n\r\n\"To save lives,\" the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.\r\n\r\nA few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. \"So how does physics save lives?\" he persisted.\r\n\r\n\"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school,\" replied the professor.",
"category": "College",
"id": 5514,
"title": "Why Must We Learn This?"
},
{
"body": "THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!\r\n\r\nWith an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks - possibly a whole year - as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day - that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV - you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need.\r\n\r\nTwo thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments, but to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.\r\n\r\nYour commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.\r\n\r\n\"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?\"\r\n\r\nEach month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.\r\n\r\n\"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING\"\r\n\r\nYour basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.\r\n\r\nSimply fill out the form below.\r\n\r\n___YES, I want to help!\r\n\r\nI would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:\r\n\r\n[ ] Starter\r\n[ ] Reserve\r\n[ ] Star*\r\n[ ] Superstar**\r\n[ ] Entire team***\r\n[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in\r\n need. Please select one for me.\r\n\r\n* Higher cost\r\n** Much higher cost\r\n*** Please call our 900 number to\r\n ask for the cost of a specific\r\n team (Sorry, does not include\r\n cheerleaders).\r\n\r\nPlease charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.\r\n\r\n[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa\r\n[ ] American Express [ ] DiscoverCard\r\n[ ] Diner's Club \r\n\r\nYour Name: __________________________\r\nTelephone Number: __________________\r\nAccount Number: _____________________\r\nExp.Date:____________________________\r\nSignature: _________________________\r\n\r\nMail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.)\r\n\r\nNote: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh, yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 5515,
"title": "Adopt an NBA Player"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Joey, your behavior is terrible! How many more times am I going to have to keep you in after school?\r\nJoey: 97.\r\nTeacher: 97?\r\nJoey: Yeah. That's how many days are left until the summer holidays.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5521,
"title": "Detention"
},
{
"body": "What goes 99-clump, 99-clump, 99-clump?\r\n\r\nA centipede with a wooden leg.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5523,
"title": "Centipedes"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nSwen.\r\nSwen who?\r\nSwen are you going let me in!?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5526,
"title": "Swen"
},
{
"body": "TEACHER: Why are you late?\r\nL-JOHNY: Because of the sign.\r\nTEACHER: What sign?\r\nL-JOHNY: \"School Ahead, Go Slow.\"\r\n\r\n\r\n TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?\r\nL-JOHNY: \"HIJKLMNO\"!!\r\nTEACHER: What are you talking about?\r\nL-JOHNY: Yesterday you only said it's H to O!!!!\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nTEACHER: \"George Washington not only chopped down his\r\nfather's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now\r\ndo you know why his father didn't\r\npunish him?\"\r\nL-JOHNY: \"Because George still had the axe in his\r\nhand.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5530,
"title": "LITTLE JOHNY"
},
{
"body": "John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.\r\n\r\nThey decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.\r\n\r\nThey went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.\r\n\r\nThey took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, \"You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic.\"\r\n\r\nThe men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.\r\n\r\nThe next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?\r\n\r\nThey called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, \"You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 5532,
"title": "Meatless Fridays"
},
{
"body": "Yesterday, I walked into a pet store. When I walked to the back of the store, I saw an interesting parrot. The parrot had a ribbon on either foot. There was a red ribbon on his left foot, and a blue ribbon on his right foot.\r\n\r\nAs I was wondering what the ribbons were for, the store owner walked up to me. He told me that if I pulled the red ribbon, the parrot would sing the \"Star Spangled Banner,\" and the parrot did. He then told me that if you pulled the blue ribbon, the parrot would sing, \"God Bless America,\" and it did.\r\n\r\nInterested, I asked the store owner, \"What will it do when I pull both ribbons at the same time?\" The parrot then yelled, \"I'll fall off my perch, stupid!!!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5533,
"title": "Patriotic Parrot"
},
{
"body": "The closest you've ever come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5534,
"title": "Brainstorm"
},
{
"body": "What does a blond think the last 2 words of the national anthem are? Play ball!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5535,
"title": "National Anthem"
},
{
"body": "A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, \"I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning.\"\r\n\r\nAfter the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, \"Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 5537,
"title": "Paper-Eating Dog"
},
{
"body": "It was the first day of school for little Jimmy. The teacher asked him, \"What's 1+1?\"\r\nJimmy replied, \"3\". The teacher said, \"You go back home and ask your family what the answer is.\"\r\n\r\nSo, little Jimmy goes back home. He asks his father, who was having a conversation with his friend, \"Daddy, what's 1+1?\" The father replied impatiently, \"Shut up!\" So, little Jimmy asks his mother, \"Mommy, what's 1+1?\"\r\nHis mother, who was watching a show about George Bush on TV, carelessly responded, \"George Bush.\"\r\n\r\nThen Jimmy goes to his sister, \"What's 1+1?\" The sister was having a hot bath and she replied, \"Oooohhhh, aahhhh\".\r\n\r\nFinally, Jimmy sees his brother, \"What's 1+1?\" he asked. Jimmy's brother was just going out with his girlfriend and he said, \"let's go, darling.\"\r\n\r\nSo the next day, the teacher asks Jimmy, \"What's 1+1?\"\r\nJimmy replies, \"Shut up!\"\r\nThe teacher was outraged and asked angrily, \"Who do you think you are?!\"\r\nJimmy said, \"George Bush.\"\r\nFurious, the teacher hit Jimmy. Jimmy exclaimed, \"Oooohhh, ahhhh\".\r\n\"That's it!\" The teacher shouted, \"You are going to the headmaster!\"\r\nJimmy said, \"Let's go, darling.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5541,
"title": "1+1? That's Hard!"
},
{
"body": "What does Hannibal Lecter call Britney Spears? \r\n\r\nDinner at Hooters.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5542,
"title": "Hannibal Lecter 'n' Britney"
},
{
"body": "Lady : Is this my train?\r\nStation Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.\r\nLady : Don't try to be funny. I mean, can I take this train to Kuala Lumpur?\r\nStation Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5549,
"title": "Train"
},
{
"body": "Oh, what a shame. It looks like the Ugly Fairy kissed you on both cheeks.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5551,
"title": "Fairies"
},
{
"body": "What's the hardest part of skydiving?\r\n\r\n\r\nThe ground!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5554,
"title": "Skydiving"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a shark?\r\n\r\n\r\nFar far away!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5555,
"title": "What Do You Get..."
},
{
"body": "1.) That in school, getting a zero for a grade seems better than getting a 20 or a 30.\r\n2.) That when you are hungry, you look in the refrigerator constantly, even though you know there's nothing to eat in there.\r\n3.) That ketchup has TONS of sugar? What's up with that?\r\n4.) That when you vacuum and there's a piece of lint or something on the floor that's too big to suck up with the vacuum cleaner, instead of picking it up, you just sit there rolling the vacuum over and over it hoping it will suck it up??\r\n5.) That when you think of something funny and someone else says,\"What's so funny?\" You say,\"It's a long story\" when really it isn't?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5561,
"title": "Ever Notice???"
},
{
"body": "A Mexican and an Iraqi terrorist are in a car.\r\n\r\nWho's driving?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnswer: The police.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5567,
"title": "Car Ride"
},
{
"body": "Analogy of sex: Insert the 'quarter' into the 'vending machine' and then the 'gumball' comes out.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5569,
"title": "Analogy of Sex"
},
{
"body": "The forgien exchanged students Jose, Doron, and Krono didn't know any English. So their teacher asked them to go find some words.\r\n\r\nJose goes to the airport and sees a plane.\r\n \"Waz dat?\" he asks.\r\n \"That's a plane taking off,\" the pilot said.\r\n \"Take off!\" he says.\r\n\r\nDoron goes to the zoo and sees a zebra.\r\n \"Waz dat?\" he asks.\r\n \"That's a zebra,\" a lady tells him.\r\n \"Ze'bra!\" he says.\r\n\r\nKrono goes to the hospital and sees a new baby.\r\n \"Waz dat?\" he asks.\r\n \"That's my baby,\" the mother said.\r\n \"Be'be!\" he says.\r\n\r\nThe next day in class, they say all the words together.\r\n\r\n \"Take off ze bra bebe!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5573,
"title": "Forgien Excnanged Students"
},
{
"body": "\"What's wrong with you?\" you asked a very dumb guy that was taking your order at the newest resturant in town.\r\n\r\n\"The doctor doesn't know yet, hehe (snort).\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5576,
"title": "What's Wrong With that Guy?"
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken pox cross the road?\r\n\r\n\r\nHe was afraid if he stayed he would be spotted.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 5581,
"title": "Chicken Pox"
},
{
"body": "How do the kids of dentists get around the neighborhood?\r\n\r\n\r\nOn Molar-Skates",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5582,
"title": "Dentists"
},
{
"body": "What movie is really the sequel to April Fools?\r\n\r\n\r\nThe May-Tricks",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5583,
"title": "April Fools"
},
{
"body": "What's Samurai Jack's favorite fish?\r\n\r\n\r\nSwordfish",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5584,
"title": "Samurai Jack"
},
{
"body": "What monster was created on April 1?\r\n\r\n\r\nPranken-stien",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5585,
"title": "Monsters"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock!\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nFrayed.\r\n\r\nFrayed who?\r\n\r\nFrayed no one's going to answer the door.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5587,
"title": "Frayed"
},
{
"body": "A couple of teenagers craving something sweet drove to the nearest Baskin-Robbins. They bought ice cream cones and returned to their car to be comfortable. As they settled back to enjoy themselves, two ravens landed on the front hood and began to caw and flutter, and to peck at the windshield. The young man finally figured out what they wanted. He finished his ice cream, opened the window, and put his empty cone on the hood. The birds immediately settled down to eat. \"You're wonderful,\" said his girlfriend. \"How did you ever think of that?\" \r\n\r\n\"Nothing to it,\" he replied. \"It was just a case of stilling two birds with one cone.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5594,
"title": "A Couple Of Teenagers"
},
{
"body": "A sailor trying to sneak back to his ship about 3 o'clock in the morning was spotted by a chief petty officer who ordered him to explain his tardiness. The lame explanation didn't work. \"Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you,\" the chief said. The sailor began to sweep, but a tern landed on the broom handle and he couldn't continue. He yelled at the bird, but it didn't budge. He finally plucked it off the broom and gave it a toss. But the bird came right back and again landed on the handle. Over and over, the same routine was repeated. A toss, one sweep, and the bird was back. When morning came, the chief also was back. \"What have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started!\" \"Honest, chief,\" said the sailor, \"I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5595,
"title": "A Sailor"
},
{
"body": "Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results.\r\n\r\nThe lab tech says to her, \"I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a big mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible.\"\r\n\r\n\"What do you mean?\" Mrs. Ward asked.\r\n\r\n\"Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?\" questioned Mrs. Ward.\r\n\r\n\"Normally, yes.But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, what am I supposed to do now?\"\r\n\r\n\"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 5598,
"title": "The Doctor's Office"
},
{
"body": "Jack locked up his bar and headed home. He'd been asleep a few minutes when the telephone rang.\r\n \"What time do you open in the morning?\" he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.\r\n Furious, Jack slammed the phone down and went back to sleep. But the same guy called again.\r\n \" You might as well stop calling,\" Jack shouted.\" There's no way I'm letting a drunk like you into my bar!\" \"I don't want to get in,\" the caller interjected.\"I want to get out!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 5602,
"title": "Jack and the Phone Call"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, there was a prince who was under a terrible spell. He could only say one word per year. \r\nThen one day, he saw a beautiful princess. He fell in love with her. He vowed to ask her hand in marriage. However, because of the spell, he had to wait for 7 whole years to propose. \r\nOn the starting of the 8th year, the prince went to the princess' castle. Knelt down in front of her and said, \"I love you, will you marry me?\" \r\nThe princess tossed her enchanting golden hair, straightened her crown, parted her cherry-red lovely lips and said, \"I'm sorry, I didn't hear that. What did you say?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5606,
"title": "The Spell"
},
{
"body": "That master detective, Sherlock Holmes, was sitting on his chair beside the fireplace calmly reading a book when suddenly, his good partner, Dr. Watson came in. \r\nSherlock Holmes looked at his friend and smiled, saying, \"Why, Dr. Watson, don't you think the weather is a bit hot for you to be wearing your red flannel underwear?\"\r\nDr. Watson was shocked by this incredible and wonderful logic. \"My good man,\" he gasped, \"How did you know I was wearing my red flannel underwear?\"\r\nHolmes smiled wider and put down his book. He explained, \"Elementary, my dear Watson. You forgot to put your pants on.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5607,
"title": "The Master Detective"
},
{
"body": "Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for his company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, \"Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?\"\r\n\r\nFather Patrick replied, \"I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.\"\r\n\r\nMuldoon said, \"I'll go right away, Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?\"\r\n\r\nFather Patrick exclaimed, \"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 5612,
"title": "Dog Funeral"
},
{
"body": "One day Peyton Manning dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival, he's given a nice sized house, and a few of his trophies and some Colts apparel is set up around the house to honor his days as a QB.\r\n\r\nOne day, as he's walking along the golden streets, he hears the news that Ben Roethlisberger has died. As he looks up, he sees this ridiculously large mansion - a big, BIG mansion. The building is completely decked out and covered in Ben Roethlisberger banners and flags and paraphanelia. Peyton is a little put out, so he goes to see God.\r\n\r\n\"God,\" he says when he meets him, \"I don't think this is very fair. I mean, I WAS the better quarterback. Just look at my record and my stats! Do you think it's fair that he gets all that and I just get a little house?\"\r\n\r\nGod simply smiles and chuckles a little before shaking his head. \"Peyt,\" he says, \"That's not Ben Roethlisberger's house. That's MY house.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 5615,
"title": "Houses"
},
{
"body": "A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: \r\n\r\n\"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and\r\ndirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?\"\r\n\r\n\"We're taking Continental,\" was the reply. \"We got a great rate!\"\r\n\"Continental?\" exclaimed the hairdresser. \"That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?\" \r\n\r\n\"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called este.\" \"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?\" \r\n\r\n\"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.\" \"That's rich,\" laughed the hairdresser. \"You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.\" \r\n\r\nA month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. \"It was wonderful,\" explained the woman, \"not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" muttered the hairdresser, \"that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.\"\r\n\r\n\"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.\" \"Oh, really! What'd he say?\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 5616,
"title": "The Hairdresser"
},
{
"body": "It seems that upon passing away, a Texan found himself at the legendary Pearly Gates, and St. Peter himself was in attendance to personally greet him!\r\nAfter the usual checklist and verifications, St. Peter made some small talk and commented that he had heard that in Texas, everything is big.\r\nThe Texan agreed and responded saying, \"Yup, everything is big in Texas.\"\r\n\"Well,\" said St. Peter, \"we've got some pretty big things up here in Heaven too.\"\r\n\r\nHe then led the Texan to a farm where cabbages were as big as Volkswagens and the carrots towered over them like redwood trees. \"Pretty impressive eh?\" said St. Peter.\r\nThe Texan smiled and remarked, \"Yes sir Mr. Peter, they are some pretty big vegetables you've got here, but I've seen big vegetables before, back in Texas. Everything is really big in Texas,\" he repeated.\r\nSt. Peter then took the Texan to a far cloud and said, \"look at this!\" as he pointed downward.\r\n\r\nIt was there that the Texan saw an eternal lake of fire streching out across the horizon with no end in sight.\r\n\r\n\"Well, sir, what do you think of that?\" inquired St. Peter. The Texan took one more look at incredible vastness of the roaring flames, and said to St. Peter, \"That's a mighty big fire you've got going on down there Mr. Peter, but I'll tell you what; I know a couple of fellers over in Houston that can put that out for you.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 5624,
"title": "Everything is Big in Texas"
},
{
"body": "The skeleton walked into the bar and asked, \"Can I have a beer and a mop?\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 5632,
"title": "Skeleton"
},
{
"body": "What did Tennessee?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nWhat Arkansas.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5637,
"title": "States"
},
{
"body": "Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.\r\n\r\nOne of them said, \"I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; I reattached them, and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.\"\r\n\r\nOne of the others said, \"That's nothing: a young man lost both arms and legs in an accident; I reattached them, and two years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics.\"\r\n\r\nThe third surgeon said, \"You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 5641,
"title": "THREE TEXAS SURGEONS"
},
{
"body": "It was the little boy's first time on an airplane. He was so excited. When the airplane engines started, the little boy closed his eyes and counted to 100. \r\n\r\nThen he opened his eyes and peered outside. Pointing, he said to the woman next to him, \"See those tiny people down there? They are just like ants!\"\r\n\r\nThe woman looked at what he was pointing and remarked, \"They are ants. We haven't left the ground yet.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5645,
"title": "First Time on Airplane"
},
{
"body": "15 Steps to Build a campfire.\r\n\r\n1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.\r\n\r\n2. Bandage left thumb.\r\n\r\n3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.\r\n\r\n4. Bandage left foot.\r\n\r\n5. Make structure of slivers(including those embedded in hand).\r\n\r\n6. Light match.\r\n\r\n7. Light match.\r\n\r\n8. Repeat \"a scout is cheerful,\" and light match.\r\n\r\n9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of flames.\r\n\r\n10. Apply Burn ointment to nose.\r\n\r\n11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.\r\n\r\n12. Upon discovery that fire has gone out during your absence, soak wood with liquid from can labeled \"kerosene.\"\r\n\r\n13. Treat face and arms for second degree burns, and relabel your can to read \"gasoline.\"\r\n\r\n14. When fire is burning well, add all remaining wood.\r\n\r\n15. When thunderstorm has passed, repeat steps 1 through 14.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5648,
"title": "How You Build a Better Campfire"
},
{
"body": "What kind of cheese is not yours?\r\n\r\nNacho cheese",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5650,
"title": "Not Yours"
},
{
"body": "The Mexican was finally caught on the borderline of the US by an American cop. \r\n\r\nThe Mexican begged, \"Pleese, siir. I muss stay here in America. I muss!\"\r\n\r\nBut the American still wasn't convinced. So, the Mexican pleaded more and more with very bad English. At last, the cop, assuming the Mexican's English couldn't get any worst, said to the Mexican, \"I will let you stay if you can use 3 words in one sentence.\" \r\n\r\nThe Mexican thought for a while, and replied, \"Is all right. I say. I say.\"\r\n\r\nThe cop said, \"The words are: Green, pink and yellow.\"\r\n\r\nAfter a few seconds of consideration, the Mexican responded, \"Da phone - it rang: Green, green, green. I pink it up and sez, 'yellow?'\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5657,
"title": "Mexican"
},
{
"body": "At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.' \r\n\r\n'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.' \r\n\r\n'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted. \r\n\r\n'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5659,
"title": "Best Kept Secret"
},
{
"body": "All the numbers went to a party and numbers being what they are, all\r\nthe evens stayed around each other and all the odds did the same and\r\nneither group interacted with each other. Whilst two was chatting to\r\nfour he noticed zero was on his own in the corner and suggested to\r\nfour that because zero is sort of even he should be encouraged to mix\r\nwith even numbers - four agreed. So off went two to invite zero into\r\ntheir little group. \"Would you like to join our little group\" enquired\r\ntwo, to which zero replied \"I have nothing to add!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5661,
"title": "Numbers"
},
{
"body": "The number you have dialed is imaginary. \r\nPlease rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5662,
"title": "Maths"
},
{
"body": "Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor\r\nwithout cracking it?\r\nA. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC\r\nTopper)\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nQ. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how\r\nlong would it take four men to build it? \r\n\r\nA. No time at all, as it has already been built. (UPSC\r\n23 Rank Opted for IFS)\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nQ. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand\r\nand four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?\r\n\r\nA. Very large hands. (Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for\r\nIPS)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5666,
"title": "Upsc"
},
{
"body": "Q: What did the blonde say when she looked in the box of cheerios?\r\n\r\nA: Oh look, donut seeds!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5673,
"title": "Donuts?"
},
{
"body": "George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?\r\n\r\nCondi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.\r\n\r\nGeorge: Great. Lay it on me.\r\n\r\nCondi: Hu is the new leader of China.\r\n\r\nGeorge: That's what I want to know.\r\n\r\nCondi: That's what I'm telling you.\r\n\r\nGeorge: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?\r\n\r\nCondi: Yes.\r\n\r\nGeorge: I mean the fellow's name.\r\n\r\nCondi: Hu.\r\n\r\nGeorge: The guy in China.\r\n\r\nCondi: Hu.\r\n\r\nGeorge: The new leader of China.\r\n\r\nCondi: Hu.\r\n\r\nGeorge: The main man in China!\r\n\r\nCondi: Hu is leading China.\r\n\r\nGeorge: Now whaddya' asking me for?\r\n\r\nCondi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.\r\n\r\nGeorge: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?\r\n\r\nCondi: That's the man's name.\r\n\r\nGeorge: That's who's name?\r\n\r\nCondi: Yes.\r\n\r\nGeorge: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?\r\n\r\nCondi: Yes, sir.\r\n\r\nGeorge: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.\r\n\r\nCondi: That's correct.\r\n\r\nGeorge: Then who is in China?\r\n\r\nCondi: Yes, sir.\r\n\r\nGeorge: Yassir is in China?\r\n\r\nCondi: No, sir.\r\n\r\nGeorge: Then who is?\r\n\r\nCondi: Yes, sir.\r\n\r\nGeorge: Yassir?\r\n\r\nCondi: No, sir.\r\n\r\nGeorge: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.\r\n\r\nCondi: Kofi?\r\n\r\nGeorge: No, thanks.\r\n\r\nCondi: You want Kofi?\r\n\r\nGeorge: No.\r\n\r\nCondi: You don't want Kofi.\r\n\r\nGeorge: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.\r\n\r\nCondi: Yes, sir.\r\n\r\nGeorge: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.\r\n\r\nCondi: Kofi?\r\n\r\nGeorge: Milk! Will you please make the call?\r\n\r\nCondi: And call who?\r\n\r\nGeorge: Who is the guy at the U.N?\r\n\r\nCondi: Hu is the guy in China.\r\n\r\nGeorge: Will you stay out of China?!\r\n\r\nCondi: Yes, sir.\r\n\r\nGeorge: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.\r\n\r\nCondi: Kofi.\r\n\r\nGeorge: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 5679,
"title": "Who's On First For the Next Generation!"
},
{
"body": "An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, \"How do you feel?\"\r\n\"How would you feel,\" the astronout replied, \"if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 5684,
"title": "Astronaut"
},
{
"body": "An engineer, a mathmatician and an arts graduate were given the task of finding the height of a church steeple (the first to get the correct solution wins a $1000).\r\n\r\nThe engineer tried to remember things about differential pressures, but resorted to climbing the steeple and lowering a string on a plumb bob until it touched the ground and then climbed down and measured the length of the string.\r\n\r\nThe Mathematician layed out a reference line, measured the angle to the top of the steeple from both ends and worked out the height by trigonometry.\r\n\r\nHowever, the arts graduate won the prize. He bought the vicar a beer in the local pub and he told him how high the church steeple was.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 5685,
"title": "English Math and art"
},
{
"body": "Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.\r\n\r\nOne of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.\r\n\r\nAnother disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is ingenious.\r\n\r\n\"No,\" the third student said. \"You're both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5687,
"title": "Fisherman"
},
{
"body": "A communication technician drafted by the army was at a firing range. At the range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and 50 rounds. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. \r\n\r\nThe technician looked at his weapon, and then at the target. He looked at the weapon again, and then at the target again. He then put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: \"It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 5689,
"title": "Communication"
},
{
"body": "A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving in a car when, just outside of town, they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch their heads.\r\n\r\nThe salesman says, \"Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal.\"\r\n\r\nThe engineer stops him, saying, \"No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy.\"\r\n\r\nThe technician laughs and shakes his head. \"No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? Hell, we have a spare tire in the trunk - now all we have to do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 5690,
"title": "Salesman"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so ugly, when she went to the house of mirrors, it collapsed.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5695,
"title": "House of Mirrors"
},
{
"body": "Yo mommas so old her birth certificate says \"EXPIRED\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5696,
"title": "Old"
},
{
"body": "How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?\r\nHe forgot to wrap the \"Whopper\"!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5701,
"title": "Burger King Does The Dairy Queen"
},
{
"body": "Angie and John were in court after deciding their divorce when the problem of 'who gets to keep the kid' started to arise. Angie exclaimed that the child was hers since she could take care of the kid better than her 'wretched' husband. \r\n\r\nBut the judge wanted to hear John's reason of why he should keep the baby. After thinking for sometime, John said, \"Your honor, let me ask you a question: if you put a dollar inside a vending machine and a coke comes out, does this coke belong to you or does it belong to the vending machine?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5702,
"title": "Let's See You Argue With That!"
},
{
"body": "His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Mr Finnegan. \r\n\"Did she say anything before she died?\" asked the sergeant. \r\n\"She spoke without interruption for about forty years,\" said the Irishman.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5703,
"title": "Yak"
},
{
"body": "A blonde and her friend were tracing their names from stencils to cut out. When they ran out of room, the blonde turned the paper over and said,\"Hey, there's lots more room on this side!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5709,
"title": "Tracing Letters"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?\r\nA headbanger.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5716,
"title": "Woodpecker"
},
{
"body": "Roses are red, \r\nViolets are blue.\r\nYo momma is ugly,\r\nAnd she looks just like you.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5718,
"title": "A Limerick From Me to You"
},
{
"body": "Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?\r\n\r\nKindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side.\r\n\r\nAristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.\r\n\r\nSaddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.\r\n\r\nMartin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.\r\n\r\nMoses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, \"Thou shalt cross the road.\" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.\r\n\r\nRichard M. Nixon: I just want to make one thing perfectly clear. The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.\r\n\r\nMachiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.\r\n\r\nBill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.\r\n\r\nOliver Stone: The question is not, \"Why did the chicken cross the road?\" Rather, it is, \"Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?\"\r\n\r\nPlato: For the greater good of man. \r\n\r\nKarl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.\r\n\r\nOsama Bin Laden: The chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha, ha, ha) only that it would be a martyr. \r\n\r\nRonald Reagan: I forget.\r\n\r\nCaptain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no other chicken has gone before.\r\n\r\nJerry Seinfield: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone think to ask, \"What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?\"\r\n\r\nDarwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.\r\n\r\nEinstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.\r\n\r\nGeorge W. Bush: The chicken crossed the road because it was an evil-doer and we smoked him outta his hole and got him on the run.\r\n\r\nL.A.P.D: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.\r\n\r\nGrandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road and it was good enough. \r\n\r\nPat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.\r\n\r\nRalph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.\r\n\r\nBuddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.\r\n\r\nErnest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.\r\n\r\nNietzsche: The chicken does not exist.\r\n\r\nFox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?\r\n\r\nLouis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.\r\n\r\nMachiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.\r\n\r\nDr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!\r\n\r\nColonel Sanders: I missed one!?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5721,
"title": "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road??"
},
{
"body": "A boy was late to school on the first day, and his new teacher asked, \"What is your name young man?\" The boy replied,\" Michael Gay.\" The teacher said,\" Why are you calling a kid gay? What is your name boy?\" The boy said, \"Michael Gay!\" The teacher said,\" That's ENOUGH young man. Go to the principal's office. THIS SECOND!\" The principal saw him and asked him,\" What is your name young man?\" The boy says, \" Michael Gay.\" The principal asks,\" Why are you calling a gay?\" And what is your name?\" The boy gets angry and says, \"Michael Gay!\" The principal says, \"Thats it young man, you're suspended! The boy got home and his mother asked,\" Why are you in trouble?\" The boy says, \"Michael Gay.\" The mother says, \"I know your name, dear, why are you in trouble?\" The boy says,\" MICHAEL GAY!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5722,
"title": "Michael Gay"
},
{
"body": "Man: Haven't we been on a couple dates before?\r\nWoman: Couldn't have been. I don't make the same mistake twice.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5727,
"title": "Dissed"
},
{
"body": "BOB- We were learning about fractions today in math class.\r\n\r\nJOE- Oh, really? What did you learn?\r\n\r\nBOB- One half of what I was supposed to!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5731,
"title": "Learning"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between MJ and Mr. Potato Head?\r\n\r\nMJ has more noses.\r\n\r\n\r\nHow are MJ and a Wal-Mart bag alike?\r\n\r\nThey're both plastic and hazardous to children.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5734,
"title": "M Jackson"
},
{
"body": "A boy was playing internet games on Yahoo. Finding it hilarious, he had named himself \"emilycheesehotchick\". One time, while playing pool, his opponent messaged to him \"Want to have cyber sex...?\" Curiousity took over him, and so he replied \"Sure!\".\r\nThus followed a hot and mostly one-sided cyber sex, when all of a sudden, his mother came into the room.\r\n\"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?\" asked his mother.\r\n\"I...I....I'm having cybersex with someone on Yahoo...\" he replied.\r\n\r\nThe mother paused...and then asked,\r\n\"Are you emilycheesehotchick...?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5735,
"title": "Caught in the Act"
},
{
"body": "What did the dick say to the condom?\r\nCover me, I'm goin in!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5739,
"title": "Condom"
},
{
"body": "Given m = money, e = evil, t = time and w = women, prove that women are evil (women = evil)\r\n1. m = e ^ (1/2) (money is the root of all evil)\r\n2. t = m (time is money)\r\n3. w = t * m (women are the product of time and money)\r\n4. w = m ^ 2 (substitution)\r\n5. w = {e ^ (1/2)} ^ 2 (substitution)\r\n6. w = e\r\nProven by mathematics - women are evil.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5740,
"title": "Simple Algebra"
},
{
"body": "Which comes first, Ben-Gay or Preparation H?\r\n\r\nBen-Gay.\r\nAfter you have been gay, you'll need the Preparation H.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 5744,
"title": "Ben-Gay - Preparation H"
},
{
"body": "Q: What did the blonde say when she crossed the road?\r\n\r\nA: Hey! How'd I get over here?",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5751,
"title": "Caution...Blonde X-ing"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time in India, the Bengal tiger was on the brink of extinction, due to a vigorous hunting season. So, Prince Naranjahah ordered that no one shall kill another Bengal. Well, this led to the over abundance in zoos and animal shelters, and one day, the tigers broke loose and started attacking the citizens. The citizens then revolted and overthrew the Prince's rule.\r\n\r\nThis is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5755,
"title": "Indian Prince"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is like a brick. She's flat on all sides and gets laid all day.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5756,
"title": "Brick"
},
{
"body": "Recently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 5760,
"title": "A Survey"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock\r\n\r\nwho's there?\r\n\r\nIvanna\r\n\r\nIvanna who?\r\n\r\nIvanna come in, dammit!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5762,
"title": "Ivanna"
},
{
"body": "Little johnny walked into a club where people were doing the macarena. He watched them for a while, and asked someone: \"What are you guys doing? Searching for your wallets?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5764,
"title": "Johnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnny!"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat that when she went out dressed in green she got arrested for driving a tank.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5766,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "Why did Humpty dumpty go to the shrink?\r\n\r\nCause he was half cracked.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5773,
"title": "Humpty Dumpty"
},
{
"body": "A middle school student was working at a shop for his after-school job. He had on a Dairy Queen shirt. A kindergarten student walked up to him and said, \"Wow, I have 3 of those shirts! You must be cheap!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5774,
"title": "Shirts..."
},
{
"body": "A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. \"Is it true,\" the woman wanted to know, \"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I'm afraid so,\" the doctor told her.\r\n\r\nThere was a moment of silence before the woman continued, \"I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is, because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 5775,
"title": "Doctor's Orders"
},
{
"body": "How come people are willing to get up off their butts to search the whole room for the remote, because they refuse to get up and change channels manually?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5777,
"title": "Televisions the Lazy Way"
},
{
"body": "1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I want to ask where the bathroom is?\r\n\r\n2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the whole room for the TV remote, just because they refuse to walk up to the TV and change the channel manually.\r\n\r\n3. When people say \"It's always in the last place you look\". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?\r\n\r\n4. When people say, while watching a movie, \"Did you see that!?\" No stupidnose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling up there! What did you come here for?\r\n\r\n5. When something is \"new and improved\", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.\r\n\r\n6. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going! You should know, you pulled me over!\r\n\r\n7. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks you, \"Did the bus come yet?\" If the bus came, I would not be standing here!\r\n\r\n8. When people ask \"Can I BORROW a piece of paper?\" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one stupid piece of paper!\r\n\r\n9. When people say, \"Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too\". MAN! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?\r\n\r\n10. When people ask, \"Can I ask you a question?\" You didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5778,
"title": "Stuff that Annoys Me"
},
{
"body": "There once were two babies both in the same room, with their cribs next to each other. After their mom tucked the babies in for sleep, one baby went to the other baby and said, \"I can tell if you are a girl or a boy.\" \r\nThe other baby said, \"OK, what am I then?\"\r\n The baby went under the other babies blanket and came up a minute later, and said with a grin on his face, \"You are a girl and I am a boy.\" \r\nThe second baby asked, \"And how do you know that?\" \r\nThe baby replied, \"I know because you have pink slippers and I have blue slippers.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5779,
"title": "Babies in the Crib"
},
{
"body": "This is a joke song ok\r\n\r\n\r\n\"I pledge allegiance to the flag, Micheal Jackson is a fag. He used to play with little toys, but now he plays with little boys.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5781,
"title": "I Pledge Allegiance"
},
{
"body": "Dear Friend, \r\n\r\nThe other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a \"Honk if you love Jesus\" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.\r\n\r\nBoy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! \r\n\r\nI was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!\r\n\r\nWhile I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, \"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!\" \r\n\r\nWhat an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!\r\n\r\nThere must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a \"sunny beach\"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.\r\n\r\nWell, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too! \r\n\r\nA couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.\r\n\r\nI noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. \r\n\r\nPraise the Lord for such wonderful folks! \r\n\r\nLove,\r\nGrandma",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 5786,
"title": "Granny Writes A Letter"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so ugly, she looked at me and my eyes burned off.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5787,
"title": "MY EYES!"
},
{
"body": "A rich Chinese family (a 36 year old dad, a 36 year old mom, and a 2 year old son) was flying in their private jet.\r\n\r\nIt ran out of fuel, and there were only two parachutes. The parents decided they could always have another son, so they grabbed the parachutes and jumped off.\r\n\r\nWhen they got home, they saw their son sitting on their porch. \"How the hell did you get here? And before us?\" the dad said, confused.\r\n\r\nThe little boy stood up and said,\r\n\r\n\"Me Chinese, me think fast, me hold on to daddy's ass.\r\nHe make fart, I go zoom, that's how I get home so soon!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5788,
"title": "Chinese Family"
},
{
"body": "One day a little boy was at kindergarten. The teacher told the class their homework was to find the first five letters of the alphabet. \r\n When the little boy got home he went to his older brother who was playing video games. \"Big brother whats the first letter of the alphabet?\". His big brother then said to the little boy \"Shut up retard i`m sick of listening to you!\". \r\n Then the little boy went on to his second brother who was watching batman. \" Big brother what`s the second letter of the alphabet?\". The older brother who obviously wasn`t paying attention said \" Na na na na na na na Batman!\".\r\n The little boy went on to his dad who was watching football and said \"Dad whats the third letter of the alphabet?\". His dad then screamed \"Forty-niners, forty-niners!\".\r\n Once again the little boy went on but this time to his mom who was cooking buns and he said \"Mom what`s the fourth letter of the alphabet?\". His mom then yelled \" My buns are on fire, my buns are on fire!\".\r\n One last time the boy went to his dad again and said \"Dad what`s the fifth letter of the alphabet?\". His dad who was taking out the garbage sang \"In the garbage in the garbage in the garbage.\". \r\n The little boy went to school the next day and the teacher asked him what the first letter of the alphabet is the little boy said \" Shut up retard i`m sick of listening to you!\". The teacher was outraged \" Young man what is your name?\" \" Na na na na na na na Batman!\". The teacher was now furious \" Go down to the principal`s office right now!\". The little boy listened and went down to the principal`s office.\r\n \" All right young man since I am a nice principal i`ll let you pick how many spankings you will get\". The little boy yelled \" Forty niners forty niners\". So after forty nine spankings the principal looked down at the boy and said \" How do you feel now?\". The little boy screamed \" My buns are on fire my buns are on fire!\". The principal looked at the boy and said \" All right lets see if i`ve straightened you up now. Where do I live?\" the little boy sang \" In the garbage In the garbage In the garbage\"... \r\n...\r\n...\r\n...\r\nThe little boy is now in millitary school due to his abc accident.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5791,
"title": "The Abc Accident"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the blonde have tire tracks on her back?\r\n\r\n\r\nA: From crawling across the street when the sign said \"DON'T WALK\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5792,
"title": "TIRE TRACKS"
},
{
"body": "I heard they were going to name a highway after Willie Nelson in Texas...\r\n\r\nBut be Warned: When taking this highway look out for pot holes!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5794,
"title": "Warning: Holes"
},
{
"body": "Did you here about the new redneck Barbie doll?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIt comes with twelve kids, aids, and a welfare check.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 5797,
"title": "Barbie Doll"
},
{
"body": "One morning, during breakfast, I say, \"I had the strangest dream. It was about aliens.\"\r\nMy mother asks, \"What are aliens?\"\r\nMy father asks, \"What kind?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5798,
"title": "The REAL Difference Between Men and Women"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma can be used as a weapon: she's so ugly, she'll blind house robbers!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5802,
"title": "Blind"
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken cross the road?\r\n\r\nTo get away from KFC",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5803,
"title": "Chicken"
},
{
"body": "From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.\r\n\r\nThe wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found\r\nherself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.\r\n\r\nThe mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5807,
"title": "The Mechanic"
},
{
"body": "You know how young children have that special hobby of always asking \"Why?\" Well, one day I went to the bank to pay some bills, and my 4-year-old daughter did just so.\r\n\r\n\"Mommy, why are we coming here?\"\r\n\"So mommy can pay some bills.\"\r\n\"Why?\"\r\n\"So that we can keep our house.\"\r\n\"Why?\"\r\n\"So that we won't have to live on the streets.\"\r\n\"Why?\"\r\n\"Because that's what will happen if we don't pay for our house.\"\r\n\"Why?\"\r\n\"Because that's the way it goes.\"\r\n\"Why?\"\r\n\"Why do you keeping asking 'why?'.\"\r\n\"...why?\"\r\n\"You're being a nuisance.\"\r\n\"Why?\"\r\n\"Because you got that from your father.\"\r\n\"Why?\"\r\n\"Because your father is a nuisance.\"\r\n\"Why?\"\r\n\"I don't know, you go ask HIM and then tell me why.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5808,
"title": "Why?"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock!\r\nWho's there?\r\nBroken tape recorder,\r\nBroken tape recorder who?\r\nBroken tape recorder,\r\nBroken tape recorder,\r\nBroken tape recorder,\r\nBroken tape recorder,\r\nBroken tape recorder...",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5810,
"title": "Broken"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock!\r\nWho's there?\r\nPencil.\r\nPencil who?\r\nPencil fall down if you don't wear a belt.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5811,
"title": "Pencil"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock!\r\nWho's there?\r\nChugga Chugga Chooch\r\nChugga Chugga Chooch Who?\r\nWheeee!! A train! All aboard!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5812,
"title": "Train"
},
{
"body": "1. San Diego police department, how may we help you?\r\n2. Hi! Would you like to buy a new sofa, fridge or car? What about a vacuum?\r\n3. Hello earthling. I am an alien. You may not know this, but right now, I am having sex with your ear.\r\n4. Let your child answer the phone and tell them to say this: \"Will you be my friend?\"\r\n5. Burp into the phone.\r\n6. Fart into the phone.\r\n7. Yes, I'd like to order one large mushroom pizza, and cheese sticks...\r\n8. Hello, the president is not in his office at this moment, this is his secretary, can I take a message?\r\n9. Saddam Hussein's headquarters. May I ask why you are calling?\r\n10. Konnichiwa. Aji tunti wahika nu popo bwah? Bunwaf huji toe... (you get the point.)\r\n11. Nobody's home! (hang up)\r\n12. Push random buttons on the phone and make music with the beeps, don't stop until they hang up.\r\n13. Be a pest, say \"Why are you trying to sell me stuff?\" listen to their response. Say \"huh?\" listen to what they say, then say \"Um... what?\" etc.\r\n14. Hi this is Michael Jackson's phone-picker-upper, he's busy, please call back though...\r\n15. Tell them to spell ICUP. Laugh when they say \"I see you pee.\"\r\n16. Tell them you need help, for them to send you some medication or something because you're sitting on the toilet constipated.\r\n17. Say \"Seven days...\" then hang up. (like in \"The Ring\")",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5814,
"title": "17 Ways to Answer a Salesman"
},
{
"body": "The founder of the Harley \u00c2\u00a0Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went \u00c2\u00a0to heaven. \u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\r\n\r\nAt the gates, St. Peter told \u00c2\u00a0Arthur, \"You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the \u00c2\u00a0world.\r\n\r\nYour reward is, you can hang \u00c2\u00a0out with anyone you want in Heaven.\" \u00c2\u00a0\r\n\r\nArthur thought about it for a \u00c2\u00a0minute and then said, \"I want to hang out with God.\"\r\n\r\nSt. Peter took Arthur to the \u00c2\u00a0Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and \u00c2\u00a0commented,\r\n\r\n\"So you were the one who \u00c2\u00a0invented the Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?\" \u00c2\u00a0\r\n\r\nArthur said, \"Yeah, that's \u00c2\u00a0me...\" God commented, \"Well, what's the big deal about inventing something \u00c2\u00a0that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a \u00c2\u00a0road!?!\"\r\n\r\nArthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, \"Excuse \u00c2\u00a0me but aren't you the inventor of woman???\"\r\n\r\nGod said, \"Ah, \u00c2\u00a0yes.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said Arthur, \u00c2\u00a0\"Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your \u00c2\u00a0invention: \u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\r\n\r\n1. there's too much \u00c2\u00a0inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;\r\n\r\n2. It chatters constantly at \u00c2\u00a0high speeds; \u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\r\n\r\n3. Most of the rear ends are \u00c2\u00a0too soft and wobble too \u00c2\u00a0much; \u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\r\n\r\n4. The intake is placed way too close to \u00c2\u00a0the \u00c2\u00a0exhaust; \u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\r\n\r\n5. And the maintenance costs are \u00c2\u00a0outrageous!! \u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\r\n\r\n\"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,\" replied God, \u00c2\u00a0\"hold on.\" \u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a \u00c2\u00a0few words and waited for the results.\r\n\r\nThe computer printed out a slip of paper and God read \u00c2\u00a0it.\r\n\r\n\"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,\" God said \u00c2\u00a0to Arthur, \"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention \u00c2\u00a0than yours.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 5815,
"title": "Harley's"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's feet are so ashy she leaves white footprints.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's house is so nasty the roaches moved out.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's hair is so short it's ingrown.\r\n\r\nI would stay and chat, but yo momma's water bowl is empty.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5821,
"title": "About Yo Momma..."
},
{
"body": "Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up. \r\nWhen it was finished, she asked her gynecologist how everything was. He said he was pleased and that she was in great shape, and that she was pregnant. \"No way!\" she exclaimed, but he assured her she was most definitely pregnant.\r\n\r\nShe stormed out of the examining room, grabbed the receptionist's phone and dialed the private line in the Oval Office. When Bill answered the phone, she shouted, \"I can't believe it! I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!\"\r\n\r\nThe president didn't say anything, and she screamed, \"Didn't you hear me?? I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!\"\r\n\r\nHesitantly, the president asked, \"Um...who IS this?\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 5822,
"title": "Check Up"
},
{
"body": "A wise man once said.\r\n\r\nI Don't know ask A Girl!\r\n\r\nA wise man Once Said.\r\n\r\nLife sucks and then we die.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5830,
"title": "A Wise Man"
},
{
"body": "I didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay...",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5832,
"title": "Insanity"
},
{
"body": "For all of you who say I need anger management...\r\n\r\nJust to let you know, if I could control my anger, I'd destroy you with it!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5834,
"title": "Anger Management"
},
{
"body": "This was seen on a bulletin board at a grocery store:\r\n\r\n\"I have kidnapped myself. Please give me $2,000,000 and 5 tacos or you will never see me again.\"\r\n\r\nAnd a different one:\r\n\r\n\"I'm missing, so I have gone to look for myself. If I come back here before I do, please keep me safe here until I return. Thanks!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5837,
"title": "MISSING"
},
{
"body": "We and You is friends. \r\n\r\nYou smile, We smile.....\r\n\r\nYou hurt, We hurt....\r\n\r\nYou cry, We cry...\r\n\r\nYou jump off a bridge...\r\n\r\nWe gonna miss you!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5838,
"title": "We and You is Friends"
},
{
"body": "After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. \r\n\r\n \"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!\" she says as she shook the older boy in anger. \r\n\r\n \"We were just playing 'church' mommy,\" he said. \"I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 5839,
"title": "The Baptism"
},
{
"body": "These are actual bumper stickers that were found on people's cars:\r\n\r\nThe proctologist called; they found your head.\r\n\r\nI used to have a handle on life, but it broke off.\r\n\r\nGuys; just because you have one, \r\ndoesn't mean you have to be one.\r\n\r\nIf you can read this, I can \r\nslam on my brakes and sue you.\r\n\r\nSome people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.\r\n\r\nDon't like my driving? \r\nThen quit watching me.\r\n\r\nSave your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.\r\n\r\nSome people just don't know how to drive.\r\nI call these people \"Everybody But Me,\"\r\n\r\nTry not to let your mind wander, it's too small, it'll get lost.\r\n\r\nWelcome to America! Now, learn to speak English.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5840,
"title": "Bumper Stickers"
},
{
"body": "Little Tommy ran to his dad and said \"Daddy, daddy! Watch me count.\"\r\n\r\nTommy holds up his right hand, and, touching each finger, counts to five. \"One, two, three, four, five.\"\r\n\r\n\"Good!\" his dad exclaimed. \"Can you count higher?\"\r\n\r\nTommy pauses to think for a minute, then stretches his hand higher up in the air, past his head.\r\n\r\n\"One, two, three, four, five...\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5852,
"title": "Counting"
},
{
"body": "An inmate in Virginia sued himself for $5,000,000 for 'violating his rights by getting himself in prison.' However, since he can't get an income in prison, he requests that the government pay the money for him.\r\n\r\nA woman sued Kenmore Inc., after she gave her poodle a bath. She stuck him in the microwave on low to dry him off, and is suing Kenmore for the death of her dog.\r\n\r\nFour women have sued an Irvine restaurant after one of them claims she found a condom in her clam chowder when dining there last year.\r\n\r\nA 10-year-old boy tried to sue his landlord, because, he says, the toilet exploded when he flushed it.\r\n\r\nA 27-year-old man tried rocking a vending machine back and forth so he could try to steal a coke from it... and the machine fell on top of him. He is suing the station.\r\n\r\nA woman in a California grocery store dropped a beer bottle on her foot. She is suing the store. It didn't leave any damage says reporters, but the lady claims 'it hurt.'\r\n\r\nA man is suing American Airlines. While he was using the bathroom, the fire alarm accidentally went off. Workers broke down the bathroom door and pulled the man out, fully exposed, because they thought he was smoking. He wasn't.\r\n\r\nA man, whose name is Jack Ass, yes, Jack (First name) Ass (Last name), sued MTV's show \"Jackass\" because it plagiarized his name.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5853,
"title": "Funny Lawsuits"
},
{
"body": "A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. \"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,\" the priest said. \r\n\r\n\"No,\" said the minister. \"I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.\"\r\n\r\n\"You're both wrong,\" the guru said. \"The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.\"\r\n\r\nThe repairman could contain himself no longer. \"Hey, fellas,\" he interrupted, \"The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 5854,
"title": "The Best Way to Pray"
},
{
"body": "1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when the aren't looking.\r\n2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.\r\n3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.\r\n4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares, and see what happens\r\n5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.\r\n6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.\r\n7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.\r\n8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'.\r\n9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.\r\n10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.\r\n11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from \"Mission Impossible\".\r\n12.have a demolition derby with shopping carts.\r\n13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say \"PICK ME!\" \"PICK ME!\".\r\n14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream \"NO! NO! It's those voices again!\".\r\n15.hide in a clothing rack and when somebody walks by and sees you say \"I'm on a mission\".\r\n\r\n\r\nlast but not least\r\n\r\n16. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly \"There is no toilet paper in here\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5858,
"title": "Things to Do in Wal Mart"
},
{
"body": "It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain t he same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there ain't nothing worse then an oversensitive woman. \r\nMy name is Doug .... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Ernestine. \r\n\r\nWhen I was laid off from my consulting job and took \"early retirement\" in April, it became necessary for Ernestine to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. \r\n\r\nShortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door... \r\n\r\nShe used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. \r\n\r\nI really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points... \r\n\r\nAnd speaking of bed, her age really shows up there. I go out and golf all day, come in dead tired and after a two hour nap and a good meal, I'm ready, if you know what I mean. Age has gotten her so bad that she actually dozes off during lovemaking. But that's okay. Her satisfaction in that area is important to a sensitive guy like me and if she enjoys sleeping during our little trysts, what the hey... \r\n\r\nNow that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. \r\n\r\nNot only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting... \r\n\r\nAlso, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know..... get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after golf nap, so rather then bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished. \r\n\r\nAnother symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find t ime to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. \r\n\r\nWhen doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep. \r\n\r\nI know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Ernestine. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women get as they get older. \r\n\r\nHowever, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other... \r\n\r\nEDITOR'S NOTE: Doug died suddenly Thursday, January 3. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his rectum with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Ernestine was arrested, but the Grand Jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it and she was released on Friday, January 4th.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5860,
"title": "The Sensitive Guy"
},
{
"body": "Could you fax me your photo very very urgently? Mind you it's really very very urgent, damn serious and very important ..... I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5861,
"title": "Joker"
},
{
"body": "This is how you know if you are addicted to the internet:\r\n\r\n1) You kiss you girlfriend's home page.\r\n\r\n2.) Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.\r\n\r\n3.) Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them.\r\n\r\n4.) You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google.\r\n\r\n5.) You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.\r\n\r\n6.) You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.\r\n\r\n7.) You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your kid in the overhead compartment.\r\n\r\n8.) Your dreams are in HTML.\r\n\r\n9.) You find yourself typing \".com\" after every period when using a word processor.\r\n\r\n10.) You turn your computer off and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug of your loved one.\r\n\r\n11.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.\r\n\r\n12.) You start introducing yourself as \"Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au\"\r\n\r\n13.) Your heart races faster and beats irredgularly each time you see a new WWW site address printed on the TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.\r\n\r\n14.) You step out of the room and realize that your roomates have moved and you don't have any idea when it happened.\r\n\r\n15.) You turn up the volume read loud when leaving the room so you can hear if anyone IM's you.\r\n\r\n16.) You wife drapes a blonde wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.\r\n\r\n17.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.\r\n\r\n18.) Looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice that you've been to all of them.\r\n\r\n19.) Your dog has its own webpage.\r\n\r\n20.) You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated by a 17\" LCD Flat-Panel Monitor.\r\n\r\n21.) You check your mail. It says \"no new messages.\" so you check it again.\r\n\r\n22.) You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.\r\n\r\n23.) You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.\r\n\r\n24.) You name your children Google, Friendster and Blogger.\r\n\r\n25.) You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest MP3's off Kazaa Lite.\r\n\r\n26.) You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.\r\n\r\n27.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back.\r\n\r\n28.) Your virtual girlfriend finds a new sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.\r\n\r\n29.) You buy a Captain Kirk Chair with a built in keyboard and mouse.\r\n\r\n30.) Your wife makes a new rule: \"The computer can not come to bed.\"\r\n\r\n31.) The last hottie you picked up was only a jpeg.\r\n\r\n32.) You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while you're pretending to catch your breath.\r\n\r\n33.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost you to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.\r\n\r\n34.) You forget what year it is.\r\n\r\n35.) You start tilting your head sideways to smile.\r\n\r\n36.) You ask a doctor to implant a terrabyte in your brain.\r\n\r\n37.) Your sweetie says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and network them together so that you can IM each other any time.\r\n\r\n38.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the \"back\" button.\r\n\r\n39.) You start using smileys in your snail mail\r\n\r\n40.) You bring a bag lunch to the computer.\r\n\r\n41.) You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.\r\n\r\n42.) You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.\r\n\r\n43.) You type faster than you think.\r\n\r\n44.) You double click your TV remote.\r\n\r\n45.) You can now type over 70 WPM.\r\n\r\n46.) You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail.\r\n\r\n47.) You go into withdrawals during dinner. \r\n\r\n48.) You rank your friends by the amount of bandwith they have.\r\n\r\n49.) You have \"Googled\" all your friends to try to find out anything interesting that they are not telling you and you can use against them later. \r\n\r\n50.) You message someone via IM when they are less than 20 feet away.\r\n\r\n51.) The sound of the keys clicking turns you on.\r\n\r\n52.) You have more browsers than friends in the real world.\r\n\r\n53.) You actually say I-M-O and A-T-M to real friends rather than 'in my opinion' and 'at the moment'. And they give you strange looks.\r\n\r\n54.) You run four chat programs all at once... Yahoo Messenger, ICQ, AIM and MSN\r\n\r\n55.) You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.\r\n\r\n56.) You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it. \r\n\r\n57.) You say \"he he he he\" or \"heh heh heh\" instead of laughing.\r\n\r\n58.) You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.\r\n\r\n59.) You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.\r\n\r\n60.) Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the bloodshot eyes.\r\n\r\n61.) The letters have come off your keyboard from excessive use.\r\n\r\n62.) You order pizza online - because you can't be bothered to call.\r\n\r\n63.) You say \"SCROLL UP\" when someone asks what it was you said.\r\n\r\n64.) You look at an annoying person off-line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.\r\n\r\n65.) You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.\r\n\r\n66.) You're on the phone and say BRB.\r\n\r\n67.) The last movie you've seen was on your Quicktime player.\r\n\r\nAnd finally...\r\n\r\n68.) You actually get these jokes and tell them to other friends who are addicted to the internet!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5865,
"title": "The Internet"
},
{
"body": "Dear Dr. Ruth,\r\n\r\nI'm writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing. Ironing, washing dishes, etc. I should like to know if there is anything thet yiu vwn fi gue hduuen jsy jjeh jduue jheyhdu judgge jji jjie.\r\n\r\nnjdsfhu",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5866,
"title": "Sex Problem"
},
{
"body": "PLEASE DON'T SMOKE IN MY OFFICE!\r\n\r\nI enjoy sex more than you enjoy smoking but you don't see me screwing in your office.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 5867,
"title": "Smoking - No No!!"
},
{
"body": "What she says: Any ring is fine, as long as I have you.\r\n\r\nWhat she's thinking: No diamond? How cheap! I'll make his life a living hell! I'll put poison in his coffee! I'll cut his brake lines!\r\n\r\nGet her a diamond, idiot!!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5870,
"title": "Get Her a Diamond, Idiot."
},
{
"body": "I have the typical observant wife. One evening after dinner, she handed me a bottle of that Rogaine hair restorer. \r\n\r\nI told her while I was indeed starting to thin out some, I didn't really think I needed hair restorer yet. \r\n\r\nShe said, \"Oh. It's not for you, it's for your secretary, she seems to be losing quite a bit of her hair on your jacket.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5871,
"title": "Hair Restorer"
},
{
"body": "A magazine recently ran a \"Dilbert Quotes\" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists: \r\n\r\n1. \"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.\" (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)\r\n\r\n2. \"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.\" (Lykes Lines Shipping)\r\n\r\n3. \"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.\" (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)\r\n\r\n4. \"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.\" (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)\r\n\r\n5. \"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.\"\r\n\r\n6. \"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.\" (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)\r\n\r\n7. \"My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.\" (CIO of Dell Computers)\r\n\r\n8. Quote from the Boss: \"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.\" (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)\r\n\r\n9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, \"That would be better for me.\" (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)\r\n\r\n10. \"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.\" (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)\r\n\r\n11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: \"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above.\" (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)\r\n\r\n12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, \"If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!\" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards) \r\n\r\n13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the \"pedagogical approach\" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (paedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired \u00e2\u0080\u0093 and the word \"pedagogical\" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned, and in accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 5873,
"title": "Real Dilbert Quotes"
},
{
"body": "Dear brother,\r\n\r\nI smile because you are my brother.\r\nI laugh because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5878,
"title": "Dear Brother,"
},
{
"body": "I'm not against Avril Lavigne or anything, I like her, but I heard this, and it was pretty funny. This is the changed lyric to the chorus of Complicated:\r\n\r\n\"Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?\r\nYou see the way I'm scrunching up my pitiful face when I'm on the toilet,\r\nAnd during this I - \r\nI push, and I strain, and I sweat, and I pray, Dear Lord, that you'll let it come out;\r\nSooner or later I'll have to leave the bathroom,\r\nYeah, yeah, yeah...\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5880,
"title": "Edited Lyric to 'Complicated'"
},
{
"body": "These are phrases found on funny T-shirts:\r\n\r\n*(camoflauge) Ha! Now you can't see me!\r\n* He did it -->\r\n*The leprechauns are after my stash.\r\n*I do what the voices tell me to do...\r\n*Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we?\r\n*See no homework, Speak no homework, Hear no homework, DO NO HOMEWORK.\r\n*I bet you were an ugly baby.\r\n*(Picture of Simpsons on it) I see dumb people...\r\n*I didn't do it.\r\n*(Scribbles all over it) Don't drink and draw.\r\n*(Picture of skunk) Silent but deadly...\r\n*He farted -->\r\n*(Picture of gas station) I have gas!\r\n*(Squirrels) Protect your nuts.\r\n*I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?\r\n*Help! I talk too much!\r\n*(Upside down) If you can read this, please send me back to the bar...\r\n*The closest I got to an 86% average in college was my alcohol blood level.\r\n*My parents think I'm in school\r\n*My girlfriend thinks I'm out of town\r\n*FOR SALE\r\n*(Big smilie) I'm no longer a danger to society!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5881,
"title": "T-Shirts"
},
{
"body": "Batman once wrote on the wall, \"Superman is a wimp.\"\r\n\r\nThe next day, Superman wrote \"Batman is Bruce Wayne.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5882,
"title": "Superheroes"
},
{
"body": "You Know You're Addicted to Ebay When...\r\n \r\n1.) Every time you go to the grocery store, you offer the cashier one cent more for each item in the cart of the person in front of you.\r\n\r\n2.) To cut costs, FedEx and UPS are considering relocating their operations centers to your house.\r\n\r\n3.) Sitting on the floor of your empty apartment, you stare at your fingers and wonder whether they'll sell better, individually or as a matched set.\r\n\r\n4.) Your spouse is loving and caring, but you decided to file for divorce because you need the storage space.\r\n\r\n5.) You're the reason they adopted the \"No selling your children's vital organs\" policy.\r\n\r\n6.) You find yourself searching eBay auctions for milk, eggs and bread.\r\n\r\n7.) When your wife agrees to have sex with you, you become suspicious, and ask how many other bidders there were.\r\n\r\n8.) Just ask your kids if you're addicted, eRay and eFaye.\r\n\r\n9.) After a particularly passionate night, you lean over and whisper in your spouse's ear, \"Excellent service, great communication! Would recommend again! AAAA++++!\"\r\n\r\n10.) You set your alarm clock for 3 am, so you can log on to protect your bid.\r\n\r\n11.) You've called someone a naughty name for outbidding you at the last second.\r\n\r\n12.) You've questioned your sanity because of the price you've bid... more than once.\r\n\r\n13.) You've changed all your clocks to \"eBay official time (PDT).\"\r\n\r\n14.) You've bid on something even though the picture doesn't show up correctly.\r\n\r\n15.) You've purposely run up the bid on something similar for which you paid more.\r\n\r\n16.) You've rolled your eyes at the word \"antique\" or \"vintage\" used on something made in the past decade.\r\n\r\n17.) You've gritted your teeth each time you've clicked on a description that uses the word \"L@@K.\"\r\n\r\n18.) You've turned up the volume on your email alert so you'll never miss an Outbid Notice.\r\n\r\n19.) You've made \"My eBay\" your default home page.\r\n\r\n20.) You've emailed a seller to correct their description with accurate dates or details.\r\n\r\n21.) You've come to rely on \"convenience cash\" from PayPal and wish you could pay all your bills like that.\r\n\r\n22.) You've earned a \"Shooting Star\" Feedback Profile for more than 10,000 purchases!\r\n\r\n23.) You won't go to estate auctions because they don't take PayPal.\r\n\r\n24.) You actually get these jokes and tell them to other friends who are addicted to Ebay!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5884,
"title": "Addicted to Ebay?"
},
{
"body": "A zebra had died and when he got to Heaven he asked the guard, out of curiosity, if he was white with black strips or black with white strips. The guard said that he would see God roaming around Heaven and the zebra could ask Him. A couple weeks later he finally sees God and asks, \"Out of curiosity, am I white with black stripes or black with white strips.\" God answered, \"You are what your are.\" The zebra was puzzled, but went along anyway. A few days later the zebra sees the guard again. The guard said, \"So did you see God? What did he say?\" The zebra replied, \"Well, he said 'You are what are what your are.'\" The guard goes, \"Oh, then it means that you are white with black stripes.\" The zebra asked, \"How do you know?\" The guard answered, \"If you were black with white stripes, He would have said 'You is what you is'.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5885,
"title": "Confused Zebra"
},
{
"body": "Announcer, at a diving competition: \r\n\"Ladies and gentlemen, we have both good and bad news to announce. The good news is that the dive just performed was fantastic and the judges have managed to give it a full score of ten. The bad news is... there was no water in the pool.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5886,
"title": "Good News/bad News"
},
{
"body": "You Know You're Addicted to Video Games When...\r\n \r\n1.) Your wife tells you that you are, and your two kids; Mario, and Sonic; agree with her.\r\n\r\n2.) Whenever something bad happens, you reach for the pause button.\r\n\r\n3.) You can microwave and eat a pizza using only your feet.\r\n\r\n4.) You've spent so much time playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4 -- you actually taught youself how to skateboard.\r\n\r\n5.) You've worn out the buttons in the elevator of your apartment.\r\n\r\n6.) The only joystick you play with anymore is plugged in to your Xbox.\r\n\r\n7.) You've decided you won't go outside anymore due to the 'tacky graphics, poor sound and low playability.'\r\n\r\n8.) You've moved your PS2 into the bathroom -- just in case you make it to the next level on Vice City.\r\n\r\n9.) Your hands are so gnarled from gripping the controller, you can't even tie your shoes.\r\n\r\n10.) You ask your doctor how many lives you have left. \r\n\r\n11.) You actually get these jokes and tell them to other friends who are addicted to video games!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5889,
"title": "Addicted To Video Games?"
},
{
"body": "Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.\r\n\r\nESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.\r\n\r\nJAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.\r\n\r\nCOURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.\r\n\r\nWALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.\r\n\r\nOUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.\r\n\r\nTHE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.\r\n\r\nSAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.\r\n\r\nTURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.\r\n\r\nCAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.\r\n\r\nASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.\r\n\r\nWATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.\r\n\r\nHAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.\r\n\r\nUNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.\r\n\r\nFLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 5894,
"title": "Survival Guide For Taking a Dump at Work"
},
{
"body": "Why the sun lightens our hair, \r\nbut darkens our skin? \r\n\r\nWhy can't women put on mascara \r\nwith their mouth closed? \r\n\r\nWhy don't you ever see the headline \r\n\"Psychic Wins Lottery\"? \r\n\r\nWhy is \"abbreviated\" such a long word? \r\n\r\nWhy is it that doctors call what they do \"practice\"? \r\n\r\nWhy is it that to stop Windows 98, \r\nyou have to click on \"Start\"? \r\n\r\nWhy is lemon juice made with \r\nartificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid \r\nmade with real lemons? \r\n\r\nWhy is the man who invests all your money \r\ncalled a broker? \r\n\r\nWhy is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? \r\n\r\nWhy isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? \r\n\r\nWhen dog food is new and \r\nimproved tasting, who tests it? \r\n\r\nWhy didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? \r\n\r\nWhy do they sterilize the needle \r\nfor lethal injections? \r\n\r\nYou know that indestructible black box \r\nthat is used on airplanes?????\r\nWhy don't they make the whole plane \r\nout of that stuff?! \r\n\r\nWhy don't sheep shrink when it rains? \r\n\r\nWhy are they called apartments \r\nwhen they are all stuck together? \r\n\r\nIf con is the opposite of pro, \r\nis Congress the opposite of progress?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5896,
"title": "A Few Good Questions I've Heard"
},
{
"body": "An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra.\r\n\r\nThe doctor said, \"That's no problem. How many do you want?\" \r\n\r\nThe man answered, \"Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.\" \r\n\r\nThe doctor said, \"That won't do you any good.\" \r\n\r\nThe elderly gentleman said, \"That's all right. I don't need them for sex any more as I am over 90 years old. I just want\r\nit to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 5898,
"title": "Split the Viagra"
},
{
"body": "\"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.\r\n\r\nWith that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.\r\n\r\nShortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.\r\n\r\nThe farmer simply replied, \"They're lookin' to get married, \r\nso you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.\"\r\n\r\nThe man dated the first daughter. \r\n\r\nThe next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the man, \"she's just a weeeeee bit,\r\nnot that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed.\"\r\n\r\nThe farmer nodded and suggested the man date one\r\nof the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.\r\n\r\nThe next day, the farmer again asked how things went. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\"the man replied, \"she's just a weeeee bit, \r\nnot that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.\"\r\n\r\nThe farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl \r\nto see if things might be better. So he did.\r\n\r\nThe next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,\r\n\r\n\"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry.\" \r\n\r\nSo they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" explained the farmer, \"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5899,
"title": "Just A Weeeeee Bit"
},
{
"body": "THE COMMON FART \r\n\r\nThe Common Fart is the fart heard most often. It is a very close relative of the \"Ripper\", but is released with less force. It is usually heard in groups where people aren't yet comfortable with farting amongst each other. Therefore, one person in the group gets up some nerve and releases this common-sounding fart in such a manner that everyone now feels comfortable with group flatulence.. Usually there is no smell with the Common Fart. \r\n\r\nTHE ANXIOUS FART \r\n\r\nThe Anxious Fart is let in a place where someone does not want the fart to be heard. \r\nYou may have seen men and women in book stores or grocery stores, or even on the street, letting these farts. \r\nThey are generally controlled, usually barely audible, and require much skill to master. \r\n\r\nTHE COUGHING FART \r\n\r\nThe Coughing Fart is one that the farter tries to cover up with a cough. My dad used to let these farts all the time when he worked at the Bingo Hall. He would stand at the back of the hall and cough, just as a nice \"common fart\" was let. It can be embarrassing for the farter, and those around the farter, if the timing is off at all, or if the fart is longer than anticipated. \r\n\r\nTHE WET FART \r\n\r\nThe Wet Fart is one that sounds quite juicy. Quite often this fart is cause for alarm, \r\nand an indication that a trip to the toilet is imminent.\r\n\r\nTHE BLOWER \r\n\r\nThis fart is similar to the ripper, except it has a bit of a hollow, windy sound to it. \r\nThis is due to farter blowing all the gas out quickly. This fart will almost always get a laugh. \r\n\r\nTIGHT BUN FART \r\n\r\nThis fart is always recognizable. It sounds like the farter's \r\nbuns were so tight that he/she was in pain while farting. \r\n\r\nTHE RIPPER\r\n\r\nOne of the best farts around is The Ripper. It is loud, rough, and always raises an eyebrow or two. Characteristics of The Ripper often show up in other farts, but make no mistake - \r\nthis fart is a single, powerful gas-bubble that comes screaming from the farter's butt",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 5900,
"title": "Fart File"
},
{
"body": "Why did the penny become angry with the nickel?\r\n\r\nBecause the nickel was a \"penny pincher\".",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5901,
"title": "Penny and Nickel"
},
{
"body": "What did one tradesman say to another?\r\n\r\nI hope you have a \"barter\" day tomorrow.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5902,
"title": "Bartering Tradesmen"
},
{
"body": "A mother and a her daughter go to a restaurant for breakfast to celebrate her birthday. The restaurant is known for its imported cheeses.\r\n The mother asks, \"Would you like some cheese, my angel?\" The little girl says,\"Sure, but can you take out the holes in the cheese?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5904,
"title": "Daughter and Mother"
},
{
"body": "You Know You're Addicted to Caffeine When...\r\n \r\n1.) You haven't slept since the Clinton Administration.\r\n\r\n2.) Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about the sound of your chattering teeth.\r\n\r\n3.) Instead of Tic Tacs, you suck on Vivarin.\r\n\r\n4.) You plan to name your twins \"Cappuccino\" and \"Espresso.\"\r\n\r\n5.) On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding and you don't even have your car.\r\n\r\n6.) You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee to decaffeinated Folgers.\r\n\r\n7.) You wake up in the middle of the night screaming \"Pepsi! For the love of God, I need Pepsi!\"\r\n\r\n8.) When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually lick the TV screen.\r\n\r\n9.) You drink so much coffee it starts shooting out your ears.\r\n\r\n10.) You're shaking like Michael Jackson on his wedding night.\r\n\r\n11.) You think sleep is for the weak.\r\n\r\n12.) You've just had your 20th cup of coffee within 20 minutes on a Friday afternoon, at 4 o'clock, just so \"the milk doesn't go bad over the weekend.\"\r\n\r\n13.) You believe that the coffee bean is a vegetable.\r\n\r\n14.) You know from experience caffeine tablets don't dissolve in cola. \r\n\r\n15.) You wake up to Mountain Dew, before switching to JOLT.\r\n\r\n16.) You can name five flavors of JOLT.\r\n\r\n17.) You have a mini-fridge under your desk... and a catheter.\r\n\r\n18.) You drink decaf by accident and slip into a coma.\r\n\r\n19.) You think Mountain Dew is the stuff great decisions are made of.\r\n\r\n20.) You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.\r\n\r\n21.) You have tattooed across the knuckles of your hands \"JOLT\" and \"COLA.\"\r\n\r\n22.) Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.\r\n\r\n23.) You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.\r\n\r\n24.) Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.\r\n\r\n25.) You've used an airplane's call button just to get a coffee refill.\r\n\r\n26.) You've knelt and prayed before a Starbuck's logo.\r\n\r\n27.) Your web page has the Mountain Dew color scheme.\r\n\r\n28.) You have distilled Jolt Cola to make it more potent.\r\n\r\n29.) The dishes in your house are all coffee cups. \r\n\r\n30.) You see nothing wrong with using water joe (caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.\r\n\r\n31.) You believe that sleep is simply a poor substitute for coffee.\r\n\r\n32.) It's 6:09 AM and you're on your 2nd 20 oz. cup of coffee.\r\n\r\n33.) You have to drink some form of caffeinated beverage just to sleep.\r\n\r\n34.) You'd rather be beaten over the head with a sledgehammer than give up that first cup of coffee in the morning.\r\n\r\n35.) You've given up sex, TV, or all forms of meat for Lent before, but can't make it 40 days without caffeine.\r\n\r\n36.) You suck on a used coffee filter (full of coffee grounds) whenever the can runs out of coffee.\r\n\r\n37.) You dip espresso beans.\r\n\r\n38.) You actually get these jokes and tell them to other friends who are addicted to caffeine.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5905,
"title": "Addicted To Caffiene?"
},
{
"body": "A famous blonde actress and her husband are going to meet an American. However, her husband has forgotten the young man's name. Later, the young man asks for an autograph. She asks, trying to find his name out, \"How do you spell your name?\" Upon hearing this, he said,\"B-E-N A long time ago when I saw your first play on Broadway and got an autograph, you knew how to spell it.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5906,
"title": "How to Spell..."
},
{
"body": "Knock knock.\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nNo one.\r\n\r\nNo one who?\r\n\r\nNo one to tell you who's here!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 5907,
"title": "No One"
},
{
"body": "One day Little Jimmy has a dentist appointment. The appointment is during 7:20 to 8:20, which is the first hour of Little Jimmy's school. The appointment went fine, but Little Jimmy's mom had to get up from bed early to take Little Jimmy to his appointment, so she is a little tired. Little Jimmy's mother gives him a note, and she instructs him to give the note to his teacher. Little Jimmy doesn't look at the note, then when he gets into his classroom, he hands the note to his teacher, just as his mother had instructed. His teacher took the note, took a glance at it, then fainted. Little Jimmy and his classmates ran over to her to look at the note to see what all the commotion was. The note read,\r\n \"Little Jimmy had a dentist appointment today. I'm sorry for his absence. Please let him be executed at school today. Signed, Tara Fox.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5909,
"title": "Little Jimmy is Late..."
},
{
"body": "Why did the blonde bury her walkman?\r\nBecause the batteries were dead.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5910,
"title": "Walkman"
},
{
"body": "How does a stereotypical blonde spell \"farm\"?\r\nE-I-E-I-O",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 5911,
"title": "Farm"
},
{
"body": "To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.\r\n\r\nTo be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5916,
"title": "Happiness..."
},
{
"body": "Cartoon Laws of Physics\r\nCartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.\r\nDaffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.\r\n\r\nCartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.\r\nWhether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.\r\n\r\nCartoon Law III Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.\r\nAlso called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.\r\n\r\nCartoon Law IV The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.\r\nSuch an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.\r\n\r\nCartoon Law V All principles of gravity are negated by fear.\r\nPsychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.\r\n\r\nCartoon Law VI As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.\r\nThis is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.\r\nA wacky character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.\r\n\r\nCartoon Law VII Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.\r\nThis trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.\r\nThe painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.\r\n\r\nCartoon Law VIII Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.\r\nCartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.\r\nCorollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.\r\n\r\nCartoon Law IX Everything falls faster than an anvil.\r\n\r\nCartoon Law X For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.\r\nThis is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.\r\n\r\nCartoon Law Amendment A A sharp object will always propel a character upward.\r\nWhen poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.\r\n\r\nCartoon Law Amendment B The laws of object permanence are nullified for \"cool\" characters.\r\nCharacters who are intended to be \"cool\" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.\r\n\r\nCartoon Law Amendment C Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.\r\nThey merely turn characters temporarily black and smokey.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5917,
"title": "Cartoon Laws of Physics"
},
{
"body": "Reacting to Federal guidelines, the State of FLORIDA, which has been highlighted as a role model for student testing by the Bush Administration's Dept. of Education, has redesigned and just released a new comprehensive test to be given to all students beginning in the spring of the 2004-2005 school year.\r\n\r\nIn response to President Bush's Federal No Child Left Behind Act, students will have to pass it to be promoted to the next grade level.\r\nIn the hopes that it will be uniformly adopted by all the states, it will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test or (FART).\r\n\r\nAll students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in grades 3, 4, and 5 until such a time as they are capable of achieving a FART score of 80%. If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program, the Special Mastery Elective for Learning Language (SMELL).\r\n\r\nIf with this increased SMELL program the student cannot pass the required FART test, he or she can graduate to middle school by taking a one-semester course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation (CRAP).\r\n\r\nIf by age fourteen, the student cannot FART, SMELL, or CRAP,he will earn his promotion in an intensive one-week seminar. This is the Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students (PRUNES).\r\n\r\nIt is the opinion of the Florida Department of Public Instruction (DPI) that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL, or CRAP. \r\nThis revised provision of the student-testing component of House Bill 110 should help clear the air.\r\n\r\nThis is part of the: \"No School Left Standing Act\".",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 5918,
"title": "No Child Left Behind Act"
},
{
"body": "These are some real people's names, and what they grew up to be. They are all true:\r\n\r\n1.) Iccolo Miccolo played the piccolo for the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra.\r\n\r\n2.) H.M. Balmer was a funeral director in Fort Collins, Colorado.\r\n\r\n3.) Miss Birdie Snyder married C. Canary and became Birdie Canary.\r\n\r\n4.) Perhaps it was best to ignore the orders of Dr. Besick, a doctor in Chicago, Illinois.\r\n\r\n5.) The Clipper brothers worked as barbers in Bakersfield, California.\r\n\r\n6.) Mr. Thrift of Keepit, Australia, won the $30,000 first prize in a lottery.\r\n\r\n7.) D. Sharp was a radio tenor.\r\n\r\n8.) Dr. H.A. Toothacre worked as dentist for the Burlington, Iowa, Independent School District.\r\n\r\n9.) B.F. Parsons was a parson who lived in the parsonage on Parson Street in Sarna, Michigan.\r\n\r\n10.) Greg Lawless was a police officer.\r\n\r\nAnd Finally...\r\n\r\n11.) A.C. Current was an electrical contractor in Tontogany, Ohio. His son's name? D.C. Current.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5920,
"title": "What Else?"
},
{
"body": "Here are some actual town's names:\r\n\r\n1.) Two Egg, a town in Florida, was named for a system of barter used in the area after the Civil War, when two eggs were regularly traded for a bag of tobacco or sugar.\r\n\r\n2.) Ed and Uz are the shortest place names in the United States. Both towns are in Kentucky.\r\n\r\n3.) Slovenskanarodnapodpornajednota is a town in Pennsylvania. It has one of the longest names in the United States, but it covers only 500 acres and has only 11 residents, one mailbox, and one pay phone.\r\n\r\n4.) Onoville, New York, was given this name because each time someone suggested a name at a town council meeting, the person was greeted by a chorus of \"Oh, no!\"\r\n\r\n5.) Show Low is the name of a town in Arizona that was won in a game of chance. Two frontiersmen, dissolving a partnership, agreed the town site would go to the one who drew the low card.\r\n\r\n6,) Pig's Eye was the former name of St. Paul, the capital of Minnesota.\r\n\r\nAnd Finally...\r\n\r\n7.) Snowflake, a town in Arizona, was named after Erastus Snow and William Flake.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5921,
"title": "Name-Dropping"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a Mexican and a Bench?\r\n\r\nA bench can support a whole family.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5922,
"title": "Mexican and Bench"
},
{
"body": "What I Want in a Man, Original List\r\n1. Handsome\r\n2. Charming\r\n3. Financially successful\r\n4. A caring listener\r\n5. Witty\r\n6. In good shape\r\n7. Dresses with style\r\n8. Appreciates finer things\r\n9. Full of thoughtful surprises\r\n10. An imaginative, romantic lover \r\n\r\nWhat I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)\r\n1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)\r\n2. Opens car doors, holds chairs\r\n3. Has enough money for a nice dinner\r\n4. Listens more than talks\r\n5. Laughs at my jokes\r\n6. Carries bags of groceries with ease\r\n7. Owns at least one tie\r\n8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal\r\n9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries\r\n10. Seeks romance at least once a week \r\n\r\nWhat I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)\r\n1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)\r\n2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car\r\n3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally\r\n4. Nods head when I'm talking\r\n5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes\r\n6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture\r\n7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach\r\n8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids\r\n9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down\r\n10. Shaves most weekends \r\n\r\nWhat I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)\r\n1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed\r\n2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public\r\n3. Doesn't borrow money too often\r\n4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting\r\n5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times\r\n6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends\r\n7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear\r\n8. Appreciates a good TV dinner\r\n9. Remembers your name on occasion\r\n10. Shaves some weekends \r\n\r\nWhat I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)\r\n1. Doesn't scare small children\r\n2. Remembers where bathroom is\r\n3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep\r\n4. Only snores lightly when asleep\r\n5. Remembers why he's laughing\r\n6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself\r\n7. Usually wears some clothes\r\n8. Likes soft foods\r\n9. Remembers where he left his teeth\r\n10. Remembers that it's the weekend \r\n\r\nWhat I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)\r\n1. Breathing\r\n2. Doesn't miss the toilet",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5924,
"title": "The Perfect Man"
},
{
"body": "Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road.\r\nGuys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.\r\n\r\nMen: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.\r\nGuys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.\r\n\r\nMen: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.\r\nGuys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.\r\n\r\nMen: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.\r\nGuys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.\r\n\r\nMen: balance their checkbooks.\r\nGuys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.\r\n\r\nMen: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.\r\nGuys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.\r\n\r\nMen: are afraid of becoming their fathers.\r\nGuys: are afraid of becoming men.\r\n\r\nMen: put you on the phone when their mothers call.\r\nGuys: pretend you're not there when their moms call.\r\n\r\nMen: start their own businesses.\r\nGuys: quit their jobs.\r\n\r\nMen: are experts on women's erogenous zones.\r\nGuys: are experts on their own erogenous zone.\r\n\r\nMen: order wine based on more than the price.\r\nGuys: bring their own beer.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5925,
"title": "Men vs Guys"
},
{
"body": "Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.\r\n\r\nBecause I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.\r\n\r\nOh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, \"I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.\" We will then drink beer.\r\n\r\nBecause I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.\r\n\r\nBecause I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like \"cumin\" or \"tofu.\" For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which \"feminine hygiene product\" is a euphemism.\r\n\r\nBecause I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.\r\n\r\nBecause I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?\r\n\r\nBecause I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.\r\n\r\nBecause I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?\r\n\r\nBecause I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, \"one more beer and I really have to go,\" and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?\r\n\r\nBecause I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.\r\n\r\nBecause I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.\r\n\r\nBecause I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?\r\n\r\nBecause I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the rest.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5926,
"title": "I Am A Guy"
},
{
"body": "1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control. \r\n\r\n2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of \"need\" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game. \r\n\r\n3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you \"just don't understand\". \r\n\r\n4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them. \r\n\r\n5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty. \r\n\r\n6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say. \r\n\r\n7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful. \r\n\r\n8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need. \r\n\r\n9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.\r\n\r\n10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people. \r\n\r\n11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip. \r\n\r\n12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling. \r\n\r\n13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an \"on/off\" switch. \r\n\r\n14. Women think all beer is the same. \r\n\r\n15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest. \r\n\r\n16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be. \r\n\r\n17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day. \r\n\r\n18. Women brush their hair before bed. \r\n\r\n19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed. \r\n\r\n20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling. \r\n\r\n21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, \"It's there in the Bible\". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple? \r\n\r\n22. Women do not know anything about cars. \"Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?\" \r\n\r\n23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. \r\n\r\n24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.\r\n\r\n25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.\r\n\r\n26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.\r\n\r\n27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.\r\n\r\n28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.\r\n\r\n29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.\r\n\r\n30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, \"How do I look?\"\r\n\r\n31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse. \r\n\r\n32. The first naked man a women sees is \"Ken\". \r\n\r\n33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.\r\n\r\n34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.\r\n\r\n35. \"Oh, nothing,\" has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.\r\n\r\n36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.\r\n\r\n37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.\r\n\r\n38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.\r\n\r\n39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, \"What did you do?\"\r\n\r\n40. Only women understand the reason for \"guest towels\" and the \"good china\".\r\n\r\n41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.\r\n\r\n42. Origin of the word \"woman\" is: woo-man.\r\n\r\n43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up, thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in more trouble).\r\n\r\n44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they \"left the seat up\" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.\r\n\r\n45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.\r\n\r\n46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?\r\n\r\n47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.\r\n\r\n48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.\r\n\r\n49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.\r\n\r\n50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, \"Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5927,
"title": "50 Facts About Women"
},
{
"body": "Banta Singh got tired of being the butt of jokes, and decided to do his PhD. Banta was looking out for a unique subject to write his thesis when he saw a cockroach. Banta placed the cockroach on the table and cuts one of its leg. Then he said \"Walk\". The cockroach moves forward. Then Banta cut its second leg and commanded \"Walk\". The cockroach manages to moves forward. Then Banta cut its third leg and commanded \"Walk\". The cockroach manages to wriggle forward on one leg. Finally Banta cut its fourth leg and said \"Walk\". The poor cockroach could not move and lay helplessly on the table. He repeats the same with over 1000 cockroaches. He finds that the results in all his experiments match. Banta is jubilant.\r\n\r\n\"Now,\" says Banta \"My thesis is ready!\" and proceeds to write it:\r\n\r\n\"When you cut four legs of a cockroach, it becomes deaf.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 5928,
"title": "Banta Singh's PhD Thesis"
},
{
"body": "A group of drug dealers from Mexico tried transporting 6,240 pounds of marijuana to America, by hiding it in a tanker truck disguised as a gasoline truck. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas station on the side of the truck.\r\n\r\nA woman was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw that was not plugged in.\r\n\r\nPolice in Idaho were amused when they arrived to write up a burglary, and the homeowner told them that the thief had taken his VCR, his bong, and his stash of marijuana. The police ticketed the guy for possession of drug paraphernalia.\r\n\r\nA girl went to a Taco Bell and asked for a taco with minimal lettuce. The guy behind the cash register said, \"Sorry, we only have iceberg lettuce.\"\r\n\r\nA student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for 3 days for giving a friend a cough drop. The principal reiterated the school's 'Zero tolerance policy.'",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5930,
"title": "Dumb People"
},
{
"body": "Many authors are disputing who wrote the Shakespeare plays. They each say they did. In their arguing, they decide to try and prove who wrote it by first showing Shakespeare's work, then theirs. \r\n\r\nShakespeare version:\r\nTITANIA to BOTTOM\r\nThou art as wise as thou art beautiful.\r\n\r\nJack London's version:\r\nTITANIA to BOTTOM\r\nYou're as wise as the snowy owl and as beautiful as the clear night sky with fresh white snow under the Northern lights.\r\n\r\nDr. Seuss' version:\r\nTITANIA to BOTTOM\r\nYou're as attractive as green eggs on a plate and the way you sing is fantastically great!\r\n\r\nHomer's version:\r\nTITANIA to BOTTOM\r\nBe you as wise as Odysseus and as beautiful as fair Helen.\r\n\r\nGuess who won.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 5932,
"title": "Shakespeare"
},
{
"body": "Good Ev'nin America! I, George Dubya Bush, confess that I wrote the Shakespeare plays. First of all, I'm very intellentifull. I didn't mean to confusinate you, but I'm just that smart. Do not misunderestimate me because I can't prononunce n-n-n-uclar -you know what I mean. Shakespeare was in my axis of evil, so I wrote the plays. I mean, who would write plays like \"A Homedy of Terrors, Nothing to Say about Something, The Naming of my Poo, Porklet, and A Late Winter's Ice Cream?\" I must also give credit to my Secretary of State, Donald Rumpelstiltskin for playing an interceptun on my fumble.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 5934,
"title": "Bush's Speech on Shakespeare"
},
{
"body": "Girl, \"Oh, Superman I love you so much!\"\r\n\r\nSuperman,\"I don't blame you.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 5935,
"title": "A Superman"
},
{
"body": "CAT 1- So how'd that milk drinking contest go?\r\n\r\nCAT 2- Oh, I won by six laps.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5939,
"title": "Milk"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny: Hey dad, are bugs good to eat?\r\n\r\nDad: Son, let's not talk about that at the dinner table, okay?\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny and his dad were talking after dinner...\r\n\r\nDad: So what did you want to say about bugs?\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny: Oh, nothing. There was one in your soup, but it's gone now!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5940,
"title": "Little Johnny Learns About Bugs"
},
{
"body": "A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover the recent Southern California fires. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blazes. \r\n\r\nWhen the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground-level. \r\n\r\nSo he requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport, where a single-engine plane would be waiting for him. \r\n\r\nHe arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, \"Let's go!\" The pilot swung the plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. \r\n\r\nThe photographer said, \"Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.\" \r\n\r\n\"Why?\" asked the pilot. \r\n\r\n\"Because I am a photographer for a national magazine,\" he responded, \"and I need some close-up shots.\" \r\n\r\nThe pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, \"So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 5943,
"title": "Always Ask Questions First..."
},
{
"body": "Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! \r\n\r\nHe asked how much He owed, but Finkelstein brushed him off: \"No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor?\" Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor.\" \r\n\r\nJesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses. \r\n\r\nA few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past the Finkelstein shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein robes. \r\n\r\nHe pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted Him he said: \"Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?\" \r\n\r\n\"Certainly,\" replied Jesus. \" 'Jesus & Finkelstein' it is.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, no, no,\" said Finkelstein. \" 'Finkelstein & Jesus'. After all, I am the craftsman.\" \r\n\r\nThe two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited but ultimately fruitful, and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. \r\n\r\nA few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop. \r\n\r\nAnd of course, this shop is still here to this day. Can you guess what it is? Now this may hurt a bit...\r\nDon't say you weren't warned...\r\n\r\nLORD & TAYLOR",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5944,
"title": "Finkelstein and Jesus"
},
{
"body": "BOB: Hey, I ran into George the other day.\r\n\r\nJOE: Oh, really? Was he happy to see you?\r\n\r\nBOB: Well, we were in our cars at the time...",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5947,
"title": "I Ran Into..."
},
{
"body": "There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.\r\n\r\nAfter a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.\r\n\r\n\"It's o.k.,\" he replied, \"it's written in the Bible.\"\r\n\r\nSo after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.\r\n\r\nThe priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - \"The hat check girl puts out!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5948,
"title": "Priest"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so fat that when she put on a yellow jacket kids tried to get on it to go to school because they thought it was a bus.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 5950,
"title": "Yo Momma is So Fat that"
},
{
"body": "A rancher walked up to the window at the post office, where a new clerk was sorting mail. \r\n\"Any mail for Mike Howe?\" the rancher asked.\r\n\r\nThe clerk ignored him and the rancher repeated his question in a louder voice. Without looking up, the clerk said, \"No, none for your cow and none for your horse, either.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5951,
"title": "Mike Howe"
},
{
"body": "Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? \r\n\r\nQ: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? \r\n\r\nQ: Were you present when your picture was taken? \r\n\r\nQ: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? \r\n\r\nQ: Did he kill you? \r\n\r\nQ: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? \r\n\r\nQ: You were there until the time you left, is that true? \r\n\r\nQ: How many times have you committed suicide?",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 5954,
"title": "Now How Can I Answer That?"
},
{
"body": "With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote \"The Hokey Pokey\", died peacefully at age 93.\r\n\r\nThe most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in - then the trouble started.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5956,
"title": "The Funeral of Larry La Prise"
},
{
"body": "A 14-year old boy was helping his mom wash the dishes after dinner on a beautiful day. He says, \"Mom, can I go outside? I want to play football.\" His mom says, \"OK, but on one condition: you let your little brother play with you and your friends.\" The teenager replied with, \"But mom, we already tried that. This time I want to play with a real football!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 5958,
"title": "Little Brother"
},
{
"body": "This is a list of what I have learned so far in my life:\r\n\r\n1.) Always smile. It makes adults wonder what you're up to.\r\n\r\n2.) Golf is no longer a rich man's sport. There are millions of poor players.\r\n\r\n3.) If at first you DO succeed, try to hide your astonishment.\r\n\r\n4.) It takes a thousand nuts and bolts to put a car together, yet just one nut to scatter it all over the road.\r\n\r\n5.) NEVER play leapfrog with a unicorn.\r\n\r\n6.) NEVER ask your dad to help you with your math homework, unless you want a 4-hour lecture.\r\n\r\n7.) When things look black, send them to the laundry.\r\n\r\n8.) Be tolerant of those who disagree with you. After all, they're entitled to their stupid opinions!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5959,
"title": "What I've Learned So Far"
},
{
"body": "It was Superbowl Sunday for the animals, and the Elephants were playing the Cows. The whole first half of the game, the Elephants got their butts whipped. The cows were winning by a mile. By halftime, the Elephants were about ready to give up. But at the start of the second half, a new player ran on to the field. It was a Centipede! He was so fast the cows couldn't even get within five feet of him. In no time, the Elephants had twice as many points as the cows. \r\nAt the end of the game, the coach of the Elephants thanked the centipede for helping them win the Super Bowl. \"But I just want to know, why didn't you come out until halftime?\"\r\nThe centipede answered, \"It took me that long to put my shoes on!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 5963,
"title": "Animal Super Bowl"
},
{
"body": "A man and his wife were arguing when the man commented smugly, \"You know, women talk so much! They talk twice as much as man do!\"\r\nThe wife thought for a while and said, \"The reason women talk so much is because they have to repeat everything they say.\"\r\n\r\nThe man frowned. Then he said, \"What?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5964,
"title": "Why Women Talk So Much"
},
{
"body": "A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on \"The Sea.\" Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years: \r\n\r\nThis is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) \r\n\r\nWhales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7) \r\n\r\nOysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6) \r\n\r\nIf you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) \r\n\r\nI think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) \r\n\r\nA dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 6) \r\n\r\nMy uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6) \r\n\r\nWhen ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) \r\n\r\nI like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7) \r\n\r\nI'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 8) \r\n\r\nSome fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) \r\n\r\nMy mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5) \r\n\r\nWhen you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6) \r\n\r\nA submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 8) \r\n\r\nWhen I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6) \r\n\r\nOn holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)",
"category": "Children",
"id": 5965,
"title": "The Sea"
},
{
"body": "The top 10 signs your best mate is actually a secret agent....\r\n\r\n1. His shoe keeps ringing.\r\n\r\n2. When you borrow something from him, it explodes after a week.\r\n\r\n3. When you drive his car, you accidentally shoot down the AA Roadwatch helicopter.\r\n\r\n4. Various other items he owns self-destruct within five seconds of being handled.\r\n\r\n5. He introduces himself with his surname then his first name then his surname again.\r\n\r\n6. The dashboard of his new sports car resembles an airplane cockpit.\r\n\r\n7. Commutes to the office using a jet pack.\r\n\r\n8. \"Where do I work? Uh... in the Financial Services Centre! Heheh...\"\r\n\r\n9. Asks to borrow your exploding pens.\r\n\r\n10. Favourite phrase is \"Yeah, baby... yeah!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5970,
"title": "IS YOUR MATE A SECRET AGENT?"
},
{
"body": "A homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, \"Sure, we can put you up.\" \r\n\r\nThe vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.\r\n\r\nFinally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks, \"Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig's neck?\" \r\n\r\nThe farmer says, \"Sure. It's really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son's life. So, we gave him the medal.\"\r\n\r\nThe vagrant is amazed and says, \"Well, how about that silver medal?\" \r\n\r\nThe farmer says, \"A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal.\"\r\n\r\nThe homeless man says, \"While I'm at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal.\"\r\n\r\nThe farmer says, \"My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal\"\r\n\r\nThe homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks, \"What about the wooden leg?\"\r\n\r\nThe farmer says, \"Well, you don't eat a pig like THAT all at once!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5971,
"title": "Amazing Pig"
},
{
"body": "If a man speaks in the middle of the forest and no women are around to hear him, is he still wrong?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5972,
"title": "Forest"
},
{
"body": "Some common phrases that bees should know:\r\n\r\nAre you are hipbee?\r\n\r\nHow comb?\r\n\r\nHive already finished.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 5975,
"title": "Bee Phrases"
},
{
"body": "You Know You're Addicted to AIM When...\r\n \r\n1.) Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome\r\n\r\n2.) You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences...\r\n\r\n3.) You're pissed off your buddy list can only hold 200 screen names.\r\n\r\n4.) You begin to say hehehe instead of laughing.\r\n\r\n5.) You can now type over 70 words per minute.\r\n\r\n6.) You type messages to people who are right next to you or on the phone with you.\r\n\r\n7.) You won't work at a company that blocks AIM\r\n\r\n8.) You sign on and immediately get 10 messages from other people\r\n\r\n9.) You have a couple screen names, some of them secret.\r\n\r\n10.) You type in random screen names, just to see if anyone has them.\r\n\r\n11.) Your screenname has the year 2002 or earlier in it.\r\n\r\n12.) You know what %n means.\r\n\r\n13.) You don't break for the bathroom - even though you've got to go real bad - until you think of a witty away message.\r\n\r\n14.) You check the away messages of your buddies, every day, just to make sure they haven't changed. \r\n\r\n15.) You have a few people on your buddy list just to spy on them. \r\n\r\n16.) You've had a meaningful conversation with a bot.\r\n\r\n17.) You learned Photoshop to make a super cool buddy icon.\r\n\r\n18.) You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to AIM!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5976,
"title": "Addicted to AIM?"
},
{
"body": "This Is A True Senior's Moment:\r\n\r\nAn elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, \"Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really\r\ngreat. I would recommend it very highly.\"\r\n\r\nThe other man said, \"What is the name of the restaurant?\" \r\n\r\nThe first man thought and thought and finally said, \"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns.\"\r\n\r\n\"Do you mean a rose?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, yes,\" the man said, and then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, \"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5977,
"title": "A True Senior's Moment"
},
{
"body": "A new jewelry store was opening for the first time. On the front of the store, there was a sign that said \"Popular Prices\". A man looked at the sign and walked right in. He asked the employee at the desk, \"How much for that pearl necklace?\"\r\n\"14,000 dollars.\"\r\n\"What? How are those popular prices?\" \r\nThe employee replied meekly, \"We like 'em.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5979,
"title": "Popular Prices"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you list your dog or cat as a dependent on your taxes.\r\nYou might be a redneck if you have never been on a main road.\r\nYou might be a redneck if you drive a minivan to the prom.\r\nYou might be a redneck if the most expensive jewelery you have came from Dollar General.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 5980,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck If..."
},
{
"body": "You have more than three first names.\r\n \r\nYou drove a monster truck to the prom.\r\n\r\nYou are marrying your brother-in-law. \r\n\r\nYou go out, get drunk, and come home with a tatoo of your momma's name.\r\n\r\nYour last name is your first name spelled backwards\r\n\r\nYou are readiing these jokes!!!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 5981,
"title": "Redneck Because"
},
{
"body": "Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom\r\n''This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say 'Bangity bangity bang,' and they will die.'' Bob was really worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob's turn came and they had ran out. \r\n''Don't worry.'' said the man issuing them out. ''I will give you this magic carrot -- point it at somebody, say 'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die.\" Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn't have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said ''Bangity bangity bang!'' and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn't die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were ''Tankity tankity tank.''",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5984,
"title": "Brooms & Carrots"
},
{
"body": "Once there was an old couple who went to the doctor for their checkup. They were told that nothing was physically wrong with them, but that they were both suffering from memory loss, and may want to start writing things down.\r\n That night when the couple is at home watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.\r\n \"Where are you going?\" the curious wife asks.\r\n \"To the kitchen.\"\r\n \"Okay. Can you get me something while you're in there?\"\r\n \"Sure. What?\"\r\n \"I'd like some ice cream please.\"\r\n The man starts to walk into the kitchen. The wife asks, \"Shouldn't you write it down?\"\r\n \"Nah. I don't need to. You want ice cream. I can remember that.\"\r\n \"Wait. I just remembered. I want strawberries on it too. Shouldn't you write it down? I'm not sure you can remember all of that.\"\r\n \"I told you, I've got it. So you want ice cream with strawberries on top? \r\n \"Yes. And oh! I'd like some whipped cream too if we have some. Are you sure you don't want to write that down?\"\r\n The husband is irritated now. \"Yes! You want ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream! Geez!\" He walks off into the kitchen muttering to himself.\r\n Twenty minutes later, the husband comes out of the kitchen with a plate of bacon and eggs, which he places in front of her. She just kind of stares at it for a minute, then looks up at him. \"Where's my toast?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5985,
"title": "Memory Loss"
},
{
"body": "A man was taking a walk around town one day and he passed a sign saying 'Talking dog for sale $5'. He thought it was a scam, but he went to see what was up anyway. \r\n When he got to the porch a dog came up to him. Deciding to be a smart aleck, he asked the dog if it could talk. \r\n The dog said, \"Yes, I can. I am the one mentioned in the sign. You can go inside and talk to my owner if you want to buy me.\"\r\n The man asked, \"How come you can talk?\"\r\n The dog answered, \"I was a secret CIA experiment. They altered my genes and I used to be a covert agent. I led to many gang busts and stopped a lot of assassination attempts. Once they learned I told my owner about the cases, they kicked me out and now I am stuck here.\"\r\nThe man was in awe and went to talk to the dog's owner Bob. \r\n He asked why the dog was so cheap since he was in the CIA and Bob said, \"Was he telling YOU that too?! He tells that to everybody. The reason he is so cheap is because I can't believe a word he says. He's a compulsive liar! The most exciting thing he has ever done is lick his own butt instead of the cat's for a change!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 5986,
"title": "You Lie Like A Dog!"
},
{
"body": "There was a tailor in a little village who was known to brutally attack and torture his wife by clobbering her head with a club and stab her with needles. The villagers decided that they should bring the tailor to justice, so they arrested him and took him to the village elders. The elders believed everyone should have a second chance, so they gave the tailor one last chance. They told him,\" We will give you one last chance for you and your wife to share sorrow and happiness together. If you don't, you will be sent to the gallows to be hanged.\" The villagers gleefully looked on as the tailor somberly walked home. \r\n The first few weeks went well, but after that, the tailor started clobbering his wife on the head again. When he was brought to the village elders and asked for his alibi, the tailor said,\" I stayed true to my word, for when I hit my wife on the head, I am full of happiness and she is full of sorrow. When I miss, she is full of happiness and I am full of sorrow.\"\r\n The elders had no choice but to let him go.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 5988,
"title": "Tough Court Decision"
},
{
"body": "1. Stand perfectly still at the front window until someone on the street notices you. Quickly pull the blinds down, then, seconds later, peer around the blinds at them. Proceed until they a) Go away, or b) Call the police.\r\n\r\n2. Play the same CD on every stereo in the house at once. Try to synchronize them.\r\n\r\n3. SCARE YOUR PETS!!! Then cuddle them. THEN SCARE THEM AGAIN!!! Then cuddle them. Ahh, a nice, quiet cuddle--SCARE!!! No baby, it's okay... SCARE!!! If they run away, they'll be back, for food; make sure you're ready for action when they return.\r\n\r\n4. Sit on the front porch with a bottle of scotch. Yell abuse at pedestrians. Say nonsense. Wave your arms. Yell. For bonus points, colour a tooth black beforehand.\r\n\r\n5. Hide in the bushes near your mailbox and wait for the mailman to arrive. When he reaches for the mailbox, scream as loud as you can. If he tries again, scream again.\r\n\r\n6. Report a robbery to the police. When they arrive and ask what was stolen, reply \"Only my heart,\" and give them a long, warm hug.\r\n\r\n7. If you live in an apartment, continually tap morse code for \"SOS\" on the neighbours' walls. If they come to your door, deny any knowledge of the signals. Continue tapping once they leave.\r\n\r\n8. Search for secret passages.\r\n\r\n9. Turn everyone's clothes inside out, and carefully put them back in place.\r\n\r\n10. Explore your sexuality using other people's toothbrushes.\r\n\r\n11. Superglue all of the furniture to the ceiling. Oh, sure, it may take you over 3 days of solid hard labour, but boy, imagine the looks on their faces!\r\n\r\n12. Establish a permanent fort in the main TV room of the house. Refer to it as \"Control Base Alpha\". Store food supplies and ammunition in there.\r\n\r\n13. Drink!\r\n\r\n14. Set up whoopie cushions around the house. Offend yourself.\r\n\r\n15. Grab the walking lead for your dog and yell \"WALKIES!\" (or whatever gets your dog excited); then put the lead back, sit down, and watch TV.\r\n\r\n16. Rummage through the darkest corner of the freezer with your eyes shut. Eat the first thing you grab.\r\n\r\n17. Gather up all the spare change hidden behind the couch, chairs, and bed frames. Throw it at passing cars.\r\n\r\n18. Go through the history and cache of each computer in the house. Take notes for blackmailing purposes.\r\n\r\n19. Zip yourself up in the bean bag, staying as still as possible. When people return and someone sits on you, yell \"TUBBS McGRAVITY!\"\r\n\r\n20. Discover which storage spaces your cat fits into.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 5990,
"title": "BORED"
},
{
"body": "Stupidity is not a crime... So you're free to go!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 5995,
"title": "Stupidity is Not a Crime!"
},
{
"body": "You're so old your social security number is 1!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 6004,
"title": "You're So Old"
},
{
"body": "Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed, stealing things. I phoned the police but was told nobody was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up.\r\n\r\nA minute later, I phoned again. \"Hello\" I said, \"I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to worry now because I shot them.\"\r\n\r\nWithin minutes, there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.\r\n\r\nOne of the officers said, \"I thought you said you shot them.\" To which I replied, \"I thought you said there was no one available.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6005,
"title": "911"
},
{
"body": "A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and she was mad.\r\n\r\nMom : \"Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play.\"\r\n\r\nSon : \"But mom, there's no one to play with.\"\r\n\r\nMom : \"I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?\"\r\n\r\nSon : \"Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed.\"\r\n\r\nThe mom said \"ok\", and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.\r\n\r\nMom : \"Now what do I do?\"\r\n\r\nSon : \"Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some friggin ice cream.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6008,
"title": "Ice Cream"
},
{
"body": "I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 6012,
"title": "Schizophrenic"
},
{
"body": "You were so ugly as a baby, your incubator was tinted.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 6013,
"title": "Incubator"
},
{
"body": "The doctors were talking about their work.\r\n\"I had great success with one of my patients,\" said the first doctor. \"When he came to me, he thought he was as small as a mouse.\"\r\n\"And you cured him?\" the second docter asked.\r\n\"I convinced him that many of the world's greatest men were small,\" the first docter said, \"He was doing quite well. Then - I lost him.\"\r\n\"What happened?\"\r\n\"It was an accident,\" the doctor sighed sadly, \"A pussy cat ate him.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 6014,
"title": "As Small As a Mouse"
},
{
"body": "Oscar got to the broken down inn and asked for a room.\r\n\r\n\"I have only one room left,\" said the innkeeper, \"But before I give it to you, I must tell you that room is where the white-eyed ghost lives.\"\r\nOscar wasn't worried. \"I'll take the room,\" he said, \"I'm not afraid of ghosts.\"\r\n\r\nThat night, when Oscar went to bed, a scary voice said, \"Boooo! I am the white-eyed ghost....\"\r\n\"Shut up!\" Oscar said, \"i'm tired!\"\r\n\r\n\"Boooooo\" the ghost said again, \"I am the white-eyed ghost!\"\r\n\r\nOscar sat up, reached over, picked up a chair and threw it at the ghost, who disappeared. Oscar lay down again and shut his eyes.\r\n\r\n\"Boooooo!\" moaned the voice from the darkness, \"I am the black-eyed ghost....\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6015,
"title": "The Ghost"
},
{
"body": "Once the head teacher of a primary school walked into a classroom and started firing questions at the students.\r\n\r\nHead Teacher: \"Who made the world?\"\r\n\r\nThe students shivered with fright but no one answered.\r\n\r\nHead Teacher: \"Children,I asked, WHO MADE THE WORLD?\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher's voice was getting louder and the kids were freaking out.\r\n\r\nThe head teacher banged his fist on the front desk and yelled: \"I SAID, WHO MADE THE WORLD?\"\r\n\r\nOne of the students on the front seat yelled out in fright, \r\n\"OH PLEASE SIR, IT WASN'T ME!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6021,
"title": "It Wasn't Me!!!"
},
{
"body": "A mom was wanting to get her boobs enlarged. Unfortunately for her, she didn't have enough money to get it done. In fact, she had exactly half the money needed. She was telling her son, Little Benny, \"Honey, Mommy really wants to get a boob job. But Mommy has only half the money.\" She hung her head, and her son said puzzled, \"Well why can't mommy just pick one?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6022,
"title": "Why Not?"
},
{
"body": "My family has no traditions. We just do the same thing, over and over again, each year.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6035,
"title": "Family Traditions"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock?\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nEstelle.\r\n\r\nEstelle Who?\r\n\r\nEstelle am waiting for you to open this door!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 6040,
"title": "Estelle"
},
{
"body": "LADY TO BEGGAR- Why don't you get a job?\r\n\r\nBEGGAR- Actually, I'm an author. I once wrote a book entitled \"One Hundred Ways to Make Money.\"\r\n\r\nLADY- Well then why are you begging?\r\n\r\nBEGGAR- It's one of my ways...",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6041,
"title": "Begging"
},
{
"body": "\"So what's your dog's name?\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't know. He won't tell me.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6042,
"title": "Dog's Name?"
},
{
"body": "One fine day in the middle of the night,\r\nTwo dead men got up to fight,\r\nBack to back they faced each other,\r\nDrew their swords and shot each other,\r\nA paralyzed donkey passing by,\r\nKicked a blind man in the eye,\r\nKnocked him through a nine-inch wall\r\nInto a dry ditch and drowned them all.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6043,
"title": "Nonsense Poem"
},
{
"body": "PATIENT: \"Doctor can you help me? It's my hearing. I can't even hear myself cough.\"\r\n\r\nDOCTOR: \"Okay, have this prescription filled.\"\r\n\r\nPATIENT: \"Oh, will it improve my hearing?\" \r\n\r\nDOCTOR: \"No, but it will help you cough better.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 6046,
"title": "Can You Help Me?"
},
{
"body": "FOREST WARDEN: \"Which of you saw this rare tree get cut down?\r\n\r\nCAMPER: \"Only the chain saw.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6047,
"title": "Who Saw It?"
},
{
"body": "Here are some books that should never be written:\r\n\r\nWorkaholism, by Anita Dayoff\r\n\r\nNever Say Goodbye, by C.U. Latta\r\n\r\nCrowd Control, by General Panic\r\n\r\nAmazing Facts, by G. Willikers\r\n\r\nThe Last Supper, by M.T. Potts\r\n\r\nFast Food, by Eaton Run\r\n\r\nThe Bee Hive, by I. Ben Stung\r\n\r\nTurn Off The Light, by Les Watts\r\n\r\nCattle Ranching, by Brandon D. Bull\r\n\r\nBullfighting Mistakes, by Gordon Bluddy",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6048,
"title": "Books Never Written"
},
{
"body": "CUSTOMER: \"Look at that watch you sold me. It broke. You told me it would last a lifetime.\"\r\n\r\nCLERK: \"Yeah, well you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6049,
"title": "Broken Watch"
},
{
"body": "JUDGE: \"The court can produce a dozen witnesses who saw you rob the bank.\"\r\n\r\nROBBER: \"Big deal! I can bring in hundreds of people who didn't see it!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6053,
"title": "So What?"
},
{
"body": "DOCTOR: \"Do you smoke or drink?\"\r\n\r\nPATIENT: \"I didn't know I had a choice.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6054,
"title": "Do You..."
},
{
"body": "A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. \r\n\r\nAlarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, \"How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?\"The old man lowered his voice. \"I'll tell you, Rabbi,\" he whispered. \"When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 6056,
"title": "A Pious Old Man"
},
{
"body": "PIANO PLAYER: \"Do you think I have a gift for playing?\"\r\n\r\nLISTENER: \"No, but I'll give you one for stopping!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6057,
"title": "Piano Gift"
},
{
"body": "One day a man with a box walked in a bar. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, \"I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here.\" \r\nThere was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face, then he ran back. \r\n\r\nThe guy with the box said, \"I'll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here.\" \r\n\r\nAfter the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back. \r\n\r\nThe guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air. \r\n\r\nHe said, \"If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your wiener off.\" \r\n\r\nThe leprechaun laughed and said, \"Leprechauns don't have wieners.\" \r\n\r\nThen the man said, \"If you don't have wieners, then how do you pee?\" \r\n\r\n\"By spitting,\" said the leprechaun.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 6058,
"title": "Leprechauns"
},
{
"body": "yo momma so short that when she sat on the curb her legs swing",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6061,
"title": "TOO SHORT"
},
{
"body": "You know you're addicted to Wocka.com when...\r\n\r\n1.) You have dreamt of Wocka in your sleep, and have actually made up a joke in your sleep.\r\n\r\n2.) You've added people to your buddy list JUST to see the last time that they've logged in.\r\n\r\n3.) The top username in the rankings is your idol.\r\n\r\n4.) You have a notebook filled up with all the jokes you've made up.\r\n\r\n5.) If you get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, you just HAVE to check how your new joke is doing, along with reading a \"quickie\" joke.\r\n\r\n6.) You know the Wocka point system by heart. (hmmmmm)\r\n\r\n7.) As you read this list, you're thinking about forwarding it to your friends.\r\n\r\n8.) The only way that you keep in contact with your friends is by sending them jokes from Wocka.\r\n\r\n9.) You twitch after you have been without Wocka for a long period of time (2 days for me!)\r\n\r\n10.) You have cussed someone out just because they submitted a joke before you.\r\n\r\n11.) You have cussed someone out just because they reported your joke as a dupe.\r\n\r\n12.) As you read this list, you keep nodding your head and smiling. You also say things like, \"Oh crap,\" and \"Whoops!\"\r\n\r\n13.) You know that the blonde category has the most jokes in it.\r\n\r\n14.) You have seen a joke, not on another website, but on WOCKA, and you submit the EXACT SAME joke just to see if it gets a higher ranking than the other one.\r\n\r\n15.) You have a pet named \"Wocka.\"\r\n\r\n16.) You have a couple other friends that you have made an agreement to rate each other's jokes full smileys.\r\n\r\n17.) After reading #13, you actually thought of going to the blonde jokes just to see how many jokes there are in the blonde category.\r\n\r\nAND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING AT YOURSELF!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6062,
"title": "Addicted to Wocka?"
},
{
"body": "Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, \"How do you plead?\"\r\n\r\n\"Guilty.\"\r\n\r\n\"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court.\" \r\n\r\nKatz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. \"How do you plead?\" asked Tyler.\r\n\r\n\"Guilty.\"\r\n\r\nTyler reflected for a moment. \"These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late,\" he pointed out. \"In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 6064,
"title": "Duelling Judges"
},
{
"body": "The following is a basic guide to Valentine's Day survival for men, which was faxed to Robert Kirby, The Salt Lake\r\nTribune, by the nice ladies down at \"Romance Anonymous,\" formerly known as \"Men Are Pigs But We Can't Kill Them.\"\r\n\r\nSTEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the woman know you care. The least expensive way is to look at her --\r\npreferably somewhere on her face -- and say, \"I love you, [her name here]\". If you forget her name, don't bother with the rest of the steps. You're dead.\r\n\r\nSTEP TWO: A Valentine card is an acceptable nonverbal token of appreciation. Best of all, it's cheap. Good Valentines are pink with lots of lace and have cute words such as \"I'll love my sugar bunny forever and ever and ever and ... \" Bad Valentine cards say, \"Good for one free quart of motor oil.\"\r\n\r\nSTEP THREE: Candy. For some scientific reason that makes no sense, women regard chocolate the same way men view beer. While a handful of M&Ms is OK, women tend to expect something a bit nicer. Wrapped up for starters.\r\n\r\nSTEP FOUR: Jewellery. A bit pricier, especially if you did not bother with steps 1-3. If you did, you might get by with a small but hideously expensive ring, necklace, or tiara. Keep in mind most women, even in Utah, do not consider aluminium, tin or a Mylar balloon to be a precious metal.\r\n\r\nSTEP FIVE: Lingerie. Be careful. Not only does it have to be the right size and caliber, it must also match any of the 8 billion feelings she currently has about herself. To be safe, tell the clerk you're looking for something that can't be used to strangle you in your sleep.\r\n\r\nSTEP SIX: Romantic getaways are good for couples with more than no kids. Studies prove that not even bacteria can reproduce when a toddler is beating on the bedroom door with a Fisher-Price toy. Depending on the size of your family, the romantic getaway may have to cross at least three international boundaries.\r\n\r\nSTEP SEVEN: Unlike men, women give points for trying. So do something. Anything is better than nothing. If you don't believe me, I can show you last year's knot still on the back of my head.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6065,
"title": "A Man's Guide to Surviving Valentines Day"
},
{
"body": "AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.\r\n\r\nALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.\r\n\r\nAPPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.\r\n\r\nBABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.\r\n\r\nBATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.\r\n\r\nBECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.\r\n\r\nBED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.\r\n\r\nCARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.\r\n\r\nCAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up \r\ngoing the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.\r\n\r\nCHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.\r\n\r\nCOOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mom's other name.\r\n\r\nCOUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.\r\n\r\nDATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.\r\n\r\nDRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.\r\n\r\nDUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.\r\n\r\nDUST RAGS: See \"DAD'S UNDERWEAR.\"\r\n\r\nEAR: A place where kids store dirt.\r\n\r\nEAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.\r\n\r\nEMPTY NEST: See\"WISHFUL THINKING.\"\r\n\r\nENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.\r\n\r\n\"EXCUSE ME\": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.\r\n\r\nEYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be \"put out\" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.\r\n\r\nFABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.\r\n\r\nFOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question \"What's for dinner tonight?\" See \"SARCASM\"\r\n\r\nFROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.\r\n\r\nGARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.\r\n\r\nGENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.\r\n\r\nGUM: Adhesive for the hair and carpet.\r\n\r\nHAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.\r\n\r\nHANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.\r\n\r\nHANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.\r\n\r\nHINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.\r\n\r\nHOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.\r\n\r\nICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.\r\n\r\nINSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.\r\n\r\n\"I SAID SO\": Reason enough, according to Mom.\r\n\r\nJACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.\r\n\r\nJEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.\r\n\r\n\"JEEEEEEEEZ!\": Slang for \"Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?\"\r\n\r\nJOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.\r\n\r\nJUNK: Dad's stuff.\r\n\r\nKETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.\r\n\r\nKISS: Mom medicine.\r\n\r\nLAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.\r\n\r\nLEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.\r\n\r\nLIE: An \"exaggeration\" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.\r\n\r\nLOSERS: See \"Kids' Friends\"\r\n\r\nMAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look \"like a tramp.\"\r\n\r\nMAYBE: No.\r\n\r\nMILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.\r\n\r\n\"MOMMMMMMM!\": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.\r\n\r\nMUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.\r\n\r\nNAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.\r\n\r\nOCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.\r\n\r\nOPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.\r\n\r\nOVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.\r\n\r\nPANIC: What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.\r\n\r\nPENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.\r\n\r\nPETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.\r\n\r\nPIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.\r\n\r\nPURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.\r\n\r\nQUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.\r\n\r\nRAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear \"the geeky thing.\"\r\n\r\nREFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.\r\n\r\nROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.\r\n\r\nSCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.\r\n\r\nSCREAMING: Home P.A. system.\r\n\r\nSNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.\r\n\r\nSUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.\r\n\r\nTEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's \"special needs.\"\r\n\r\nTERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.\r\n\r\nTRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.\r\n\r\nTROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.\r\n\r\nVITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be \"Just like Daddy.\"\r\n\r\nWALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.\r\n\r\nWASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.\r\n\r\n\"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME\": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.\r\n\r\nXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.\r\n\r\nZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6066,
"title": "Mom's Definitions"
},
{
"body": "Rising gas prices have caused the following event:\r\n\r\nThe wife comes home and says, \"It's been a tough week. I want you to take me someplace expensive tonight.\"\r\n\r\nThe husband promptly takes her to the nearest Gas Station.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6069,
"title": "Expensive"
},
{
"body": "Mom (Reprimandingly): Julia! How many times must I tell you not to pull the cat's tail?\r\n\r\nJulia (Innocently): But Mom, I'm only holding the tail. It's the cat that's doing the pulling.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6070,
"title": "Cat's Tail"
},
{
"body": "I found this joke someplace:\r\n\r\nIn middle school, I was always self-conscious about my height. Once I was asked out by a life-guard. I had never really stood next to him and didn't know how tall he was, so the night of the date I took out two pairs of shoes-one with heels, one flat. I arranged with my brother to answer the door, compare his height with my date's and run upstairs to let me know which shoes to wear. When doorbell rang I waited. Then my brother showed up and told me what I didn't want to hear: \"Go barefoot.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6071,
"title": "Go Barefoot"
},
{
"body": "Little Mikey's parents were going out, and Mikey said, \"For 20 bucks, Dad, I'll be good.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh please,\" said his father. \"When I was your age, I was good for nothing.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6075,
"title": "Misunderstanding?"
},
{
"body": "\"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?\"\r\n\"I don't know; and I couldn't care less.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6076,
"title": "Ignorance and Apathy"
},
{
"body": "In Fahrenheits...\r\n\r\n\r\n60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) \r\n\r\n50 Miami residents turn on the heat \r\n\r\n40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming \r\n\r\n35 Italian cars don't start \r\n\r\n32 Water freezes \r\n\r\n30 You plan your vacation to Australia \r\n\r\n25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming \r\n\r\n20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South \r\n\r\n15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you \r\n\r\n10 You need jumper cables to get the car going \r\n\r\n5 American cars don't start \r\n\r\n0 Alaskans put on T-shirts \r\n\r\n-10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink \r\n\r\n-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist \r\n\r\n-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start \r\n\r\n-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going \r\n\r\n-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start \r\n\r\n-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South \r\n\r\n-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window \r\n\r\n-80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South \r\n\r\n-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6078,
"title": "How Cold is \"cold\"?"
},
{
"body": "When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted her at the Pearly Gates.\r\n\r\n\"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?\" asked God.\r\n\r\n\"I could eat,\" Mother Teresa replied.\r\n\r\nSo God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.\r\n\r\nThe next day God again invited her to join him for a meal.\r\n\r\nAgain, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.\r\n\r\nThe following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer.\r\n\r\nMeekly, she asked, \"God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it...\" \r\n\r\nGod sighed. \"Let's be honest Terry,\" he said, \"For just two people, it doesn't pay to cook.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 6079,
"title": "Mother Teresa's Heavenly Experience"
},
{
"body": "A man with two left feet walked into a shoe store and asked, \" Do you have any flip-flips?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6080,
"title": "Two Lefties"
},
{
"body": "Goldilocks was walking along one sunny afternoon when she found a beautiful house in the woods. The door was open, so she walked right in. There she found a table set with three bowls of steaming porridge. \"Hello?\" she called out, but no one was home. She tried the first bowl, but it was too hot. She tried the second bowl, but it was too cold. Then she tried the third bowl, and it was just right.\r\n\r\n\"Wow,\" she said, once she had finished the meal. \"Now I'm feeling very sleepy.\" So she wandered around looking for a bed. She couldn't find one anywhere on the bottom floor. \r\n\r\nFinally, she found a staircase at one end of the house. She climbed up the steps and went into the first room. There was a great big bed in the middle of the room, so Goldilocks jumped right in. \"Yikes!\" she exclaimed. \"This one's too hard!\"\r\n\r\nShe wandered to the next room. There she found another bed, and hopped right in it. But it was too soft.\r\n\r\nBy this time, Goldilocks was very tired. She went into the third room, and yelled out in surprise. There were three pink pigs cowering in the corner of the room. \"Wait a second,\" she said. \"You guys are in the wrong fairy tale.\"\r\n\r\n\"No, we're not,\" answered one of the pigs. \"Don't you know this is a two-story house?\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6084,
"title": "Fairy Tale Mix- Up"
},
{
"body": "Ther was a blind man walking along with his guide dog when he came to a road. The dog stopped for a second and then carried on into the thick of the traffic. The man was almost hit several times but he managed to get to the other side unharmed. When he got to the other side he took a treat for his dog out of his bag as a reward. \r\n\r\nA man driving by saw this and stopped and asked the man, \"Why the hell are you rewarding your dog if he almost got you killed?\" \r\n\r\nThe blind man replied, \"Because I'm trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6094,
"title": "Blind Man"
},
{
"body": "A student was in the percussion section of the band, and was not doing well. The band had a performance that night, and the conductor had an annoucement to make.\r\n\r\nThe conductor said, \"When a student is having trouble playing an instrument, we can give him two sticks and make him a percussionist, and let him play the drums, which---\"\r\n\r\nThe conductor was interrupted by a student in the back of the room who said, \"And when that's too hard for him, we can take one of his sticks away, and make him a conductor!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6095,
"title": "The Band"
},
{
"body": "A dumb blonde, smart blonde, santa clause, and the tooth fairy are walking on the sidewalk together. One of them steps on a five dollar bill. Who picks it up?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnswer\r\n\r\n no one!! three of them don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 6096,
"title": "Smart Blondes, Dum Blondes, Santa, & the Tooth Fairy"
},
{
"body": "Jesus, Moses and an Old Man with a long gray beard, in overalls were playing golf.\r\nMoses tees off and his ball lands 5 inches from the hole. \"Nice shot, Moses,\" says Jesus.\r\nNext, Jesus tees off. His ball lands 2 inches from the hole. \"Well, you were closer that I was,\" said Moses. \r\nNext the old man tees off. As he is chewing on a piece of straw, he watches his ball head straight for the water hazard, where it is immediately swallowed by a fish. Just as the fish jumps up to swallow the ball, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish. As the eagle is flying away, a lightning bolt strikes him and he drops the fish. The fish lands about 10 inches from the hole and the ball pops out and rolls right into the hole.\r\nJesus looks back and says, \"Nice shot, Dad.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 6101,
"title": "Nice Shot"
},
{
"body": "A teacher asked her class, \"What do you want out of life?\"\r\n\r\nA little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, \"All I want out of life is four little animals.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher asked, \"Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?\"\r\n\r\nThe little girl said, \"A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher fainted.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6104,
"title": "Four Little Animals"
},
{
"body": "Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.\r\n\r\nShe returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are happy with the old custom.\r\n\r\nMs. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, \"Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?\"\r\n\r\n\"Land mines,\" said the woman.\r\n\r\nMORAL: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6105,
"title": "Smart Women"
},
{
"body": "Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.\r\n\r\nAfter driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.\r\n\r\n\"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,\" she explained. \"I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.\"\r\n\r\n\"Don't worry,\" Jack said. \"We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.\" The lady agreed,and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.\r\n\r\nThey enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.\r\n\r\nAbout nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.\r\n\r\nHe dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, \"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I do,\" said Bob\r\n\r\n\"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?\r\n\r\n\"Well, um, yes,\" Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. \r\n\"I have to admit that I did.\"\r\n\r\n\"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?\"\r\n\r\nBob's face turned beet red and he said, \"Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?\"\r\n\r\n\"She just died and left me everything.\"\r\n\r\n(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6106,
"title": "Skiing"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time there was a mother duck and a father duck who had seven baby ducklings. Six of them were regular-looking ducklings. The seventh was a REALLY ugly duckling.\r\n\r\nEveryone used to say, \"What a nice-looking bunch of ducklings--- all except that one. Boy, he's really ugly.\" The really ugly duckling heard these people, but he didn't care. He knew that ONE day, he would probably grow up to be a swan, and be bigger and look better than anything in the pond.\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\nWELL, AS IT TURNED OUT, HE WAS JUST A REALLY UGLY DUCKLING. AND HE GREW UP TO BE JUST A REALLY UGLY DUCK.\r\n\r\nTHE END.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6107,
"title": "Ugly Duckling"
},
{
"body": "A kindergarten teacher was giving her students a homework assignment. She said, \"Students, I know you can do this. If you are going anywhere tonight, then watch how your parents drive in relation to the stoplight. This means, watch how they drive and what they say when the stoplight turns green, when it turns red, and when it turns yellow.\"\r\n\r\nSo the following day, all the little kids came back with smiles on their faces because they knew that they had done their homework.\r\n\r\nThe teacher asks, \"So did everyone do their homework last night?\" Every kid says in unison, \"Yes!\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher continues. \"So can anyone tell me what you do when the light turns green?\" She looks past the outstretched hand of Little Johnny to pick Little Billy. Billy said, \"You say, 'yes, this stupid light finally turned green!', and then stay at the same speed.\"\r\n\r\n\"Very good, Billy,\" the teacher said. Little Johnny was mad; he wanted to answer a question. The teacher continued. \"Can anyone tell me what you say and do when the stoplight turns red?\" Again she looked past the outstretched hand of Little Johnny to pick Little Mary. Little Mary said, \"You say, 'Darn, why did it turn red?' then you stop at the light.\"\r\n\r\n\"Very good, Mary,\" the teacher said. Little Johnny was really mad now. Finally, the teacher said, \"Alright, the last one. Who can tell me what you say and do when the stoplight turns yellow?\" She sighs, then finally picks Little Johnny after he practically fell out of his chair. Little Johnny said, \"Okay, you say, 'Oh shit, the damn stoplight!\" and then speed up so you can make the light!!!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6110,
"title": "Stoplight!"
},
{
"body": "A guy was at a strip club, and he had glitter all over him, but he didn't know it. He got in his car, and drove home, and it was about 11:30 when he got home. His wife was standing at the door when he got home. He kissed her, then told her that he was tired and wanted to go to sleep.\r\n\r\nHis wife stopped him before he went upstairs to their room. She asked, \"So why do you have glitter all over you?\" Her husband thought quick and replied meekly, \"Makin' you a card...\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6111,
"title": "Stupid Glitter!"
},
{
"body": "It was Father's Day, and Little Billy's mom told him to tell his dad to just lay around, watch TV, and do nothing productive.\r\n\r\nSo Little Billy went into the family room where he found his dad watching TV. Little Billy said, \"Dad, it's Father's Day, so mom and me think that you should just lay around, watch TV, and do nothing productive.\" His dad looked up from the TV and smiled, then went back to watching his show.\r\n\r\nLittle Billy paused a moment and said, \"You know, just like you usually do...\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6112,
"title": "Father's Day"
},
{
"body": "The bride tells her husband, \"Honey, you know I'm a virgin, and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?\"\r\n\r\n\"OK, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.\"\r\n\r\nAnd then they made love for the first time.\r\n\r\nAfterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.\r\n\r\nNudging him, his bride giggles, \"Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped.\"\r\n\r\nTurning on his side, he smiles. \"Then we will have to re-imprison him.\"\r\n\r\nAfter the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes, but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, \"Honey, the prisoner is out again!\"\r\n\r\nThe man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.\r\n\r\nAfterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.\r\n\r\nShe nudges him and says, \"Honey, the prisoner escaped again.\"\r\n\r\nLimply turning his head, he YELLS at her, \"Hey, it's not a life sentence, OKAY?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6117,
"title": "Prison"
},
{
"body": "Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, \"Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?\" \"I don't know,\" responded the other. \"I'll ask him.\"\r\n\r\nSo he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. \"Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?\" \"Intelligence,\" the boss said. \"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?\"\r\n\r\nThe boss said, \"Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.\" The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, \"That's intelligence!\"\r\n\r\nThe ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, \"What did he say?\" \"He said we are down here because of intelligence.\" \"What's intelligence?\" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, \"Take your shovel and hit my hand.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 6123,
"title": "Intelligence"
},
{
"body": "A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, \"You can't take it with you.\"\r\n\r\nAfter much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.\r\n\r\nSeveral weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. \r\n\r\n\"Oh, that darned old fool,\" she exclaimed. \"I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 6124,
"title": "Pillow Cases"
},
{
"body": "An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. \r\n\r\nAn aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. \r\n\r\n\"So, what is it?\" grumbled the governor. \r\n\r\n\"Judge Garber has just died,\" said the attorney, \"and I want to take his place.\" \r\n\r\nThe governor replied: \"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 6125,
"title": "His Place"
},
{
"body": "TO: ALL PERSONNEL\r\nFROM: ACCOUNTING \r\n\r\nIt has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of \"Miscellaneous Unproductive Time\" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. \r\n\r\nAttached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. \r\n\r\nThe list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. \r\n\r\nThank you,\r\nAccounting\r\n\r\nAttached: Extended Job-Code List\r\nCode and Explanation\r\n5316 Useless Meeting\r\n\r\n5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting\r\n\r\n5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting\r\n\r\n5319 Waiting for Break\r\n\r\n5320 Waiting for Lunch\r\n\r\n5321 Waiting for End of Day\r\n\r\n5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker\r\n\r\n5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present\r\n\r\n5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend\r\n\r\n5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning\r\n\r\n5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid\r\n\r\n5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You\r\n\r\n5481 Buying Snack\r\n\r\n5482 Eating Snack\r\n\r\n5500 Filling Out Timesheet\r\n\r\n5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries\r\n\r\n5502 Waiting for Something to Happen\r\n\r\n5503 Scratching Yourself\r\n\r\n5504 Sleeping\r\n\r\n5510 Feeling Bored\r\n\r\n5511 Feeling Horny\r\n\r\n5600 Complaining About Lousy Job\r\n\r\n5601 Complaining About Low Pay\r\n\r\n5602 Complaining About Long Hours\r\n\r\n5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)\r\n\r\n5604 Complaining About Boss\r\n\r\n5605 Complaining About Personal Problems\r\n\r\n5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining\r\n\r\n5701 Not Actually Present At Job\r\n\r\n5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu\r\n\r\n6102 Ordering Out\r\n\r\n6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive\r\n\r\n6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food\r\n\r\n6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit\r\n\r\n6201 Stealing Company Goods\r\n\r\n6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods\r\n\r\n6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls\r\n\r\n6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods\r\n\r\n6205 Hiding from Boss\r\n\r\n6206 Gossip\r\n\r\n6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)\r\n\r\n6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself\r\n\r\n6211 Updating Resume\r\n\r\n6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter\r\n\r\n6213 Out of Office on Interview\r\n\r\n6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching\r\n\r\n6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job\r\n\r\n6223 Pretending You Like Coworker\r\n\r\n6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks\r\n\r\n6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing\r\n\r\n6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl\r\n\r\n6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)\r\n\r\n6602 Complaining\r\n\r\n6603 Writing a Book on Company Time\r\n\r\n6611 Staring Into Space\r\n\r\n6612 Staring At Computer Screen\r\n\r\n6615 Transcendental Meditation\r\n\r\n7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)\r\n\r\n7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone\r\n\r\n7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone\r\n\r\n7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone\r\n\r\n7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone\r\n\r\n7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone\r\n\r\n7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone\r\n\r\n7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone\r\n\r\n7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone\r\n\r\n7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone\r\n\r\n7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity\r\n\r\n8000 Recreational Drug Use\r\n\r\n8001 Non-recreational Drug Use\r\n\r\n8002 Liquid Lunch\r\n\r\n8100 Reading e-mail",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 6126,
"title": "Wasted Time"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was driving her brand new, VERY expensive, Mustang convertible, when she saw her brunette friend. She thought that this was her chance to brag about it, so she drove over to her.\r\n\r\nThe brunette recognized her, and said, \"Hey!\" The blonde smiled; this was her chance. She said, \"Hey, look what I got that you don't have!\" patting her convertible.\r\n\r\nThe brunette smiled sweetly back and said, \"Well, look what I got that YOU don't have,\" patting her brain.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6127,
"title": "Look What I Got!"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nI'm a pile up.\r\n\r\nI'm a pile up who?\r\n\r\nYes, you are a pile of poo!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 6128,
"title": "Pile Up"
},
{
"body": "BOB- It's Friday the 13th. Do you have any superstitions?\r\n\r\nGEORGE- I think it's unlucky to have superstitions.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6129,
"title": "Friday the 13th"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why do black people have white hands?\r\nA: Everyone has a little good in them",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6132,
"title": "Baad!!!!!!"
},
{
"body": "This is a true story:\r\n\r\nA rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.\r\n\r\nShe wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her wayyy up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her\r\nstomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.\r\n\r\n\"Excuse me, miss,\" said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. \"The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.\" \"What difference does it make?\" Joan asked rather calmly. \"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.\" \r\n\r\n\"Not exactly,\" said the embarrassed little man. \"You're lying on the dining room skylight.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6134,
"title": "Gettin' A Tan"
},
{
"body": "You Know You're From Canada When...\r\n \r\n1.) You're not offended by the term, \"Homo Milk.\"\r\n\r\n2.) You understand the phrase, \"Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield.\"\r\n\r\n3.) You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.\r\n\r\n4.) You drink pop, not soda.\r\n\r\n5.) You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean.\r\n\r\n6.) You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars.\r\n\r\n7.) You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.\r\n\r\n8.) You drive on a highway, not a freeway.\r\n\r\n9.) You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.\r\n\r\n10.) You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.\r\n\r\n11.) You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.\r\n\r\n12.) You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion and many more are Canadians.\r\n\r\n13.) You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!\r\n\r\n14.) You know what a touque is.\r\n\r\n15.) You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced \"Zed\" not \"Zee\".\r\n\r\n16.) You understand the Labatt Blue beer commercials.\r\n\r\n17.) You know how to pronounce and spell \"Saskatchewan.\"\r\n\r\n18.) You perk up when you hear the theme song from \"Hockey Night in Canada.\"\r\n\r\n19.) You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.\r\n\r\n20.) \"Eh?\" is a very important part of your vocabulary and more polite than, \"Huh?\"\r\n\r\n21.) Winter. Whenever you want it. And then some.\r\n\r\n22.) There's German food, Italian food, Chinese food, Armenian food, American food, but NO Canadian food.\r\n\r\n23.) You call a \"mouse\" a \"moose\".\r\n\r\n24.) You like the Americans a little because they don't want Quebec either.\r\n\r\n25.) Contests run by anyone other than the government have \"skill-testing questions\" that winners must answer correctly before they can claim a prize.\r\n\r\n26.) Everything is labelled in English and French.\r\n\r\n27.) Milk comes in plastic bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.\r\n\r\n28.) Mountain Dew has no caffeine.\r\n\r\n29.) You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Canada.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6135,
"title": "You Know You're From Canada When..."
},
{
"body": "The \"road hog\" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.\r\n\r\nThe local phone book has only one yellow page.\r\n\r\nThird Street is on the edge of town.\r\n\r\nYou leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.\r\n\r\nYou don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.\r\n\r\nNo social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.\r\n\r\nYou call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.\r\n\r\nEveryone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.\r\n\r\nThe city limits signs are both on the same post!\r\n\r\nThe City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.\r\n\r\nThe McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.\r\n\r\nThe one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions.\r\n\r\nSecond Street is in the next town over.\r\n\r\nThere's no place to go that you shouldn't.\r\n\r\nA \"Night on the Town\" takes only 11 minutes.\r\n\r\nThe mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.\r\n\r\nThe New Year's baby was born in October.\r\n\r\nRunning from the cops consists of hiding in the cornfield.\r\n\r\nYou have to name six surrounding towns to explain to people where you're from.\r\n\r\nYou have to drive five miles out in the country to smoke a cigarette.\r\n\r\nHeadline news is who grew the biggest vegetable this year.\r\n\r\nThere is no point in high-school reunions because everyone knows what everyone else is doing anyway.\r\n\r\nDriving cars up and down the main drag is a universal high school experience. \r\n\r\nYou can name everyone you graduated with.\r\n\r\nYou know what 4-H is.\r\n\r\nYou ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.\r\n\r\nYou said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour.\r\n\r\nYou schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't - same goes with the game warden.\r\n\r\nYou ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.\r\n\r\nSchool gets canceled for state sporting events.\r\n\r\nYou could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were and if you were old enough, they would still tell your folks.\r\n\r\nWhen you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country and drive back roads to smoke them.\r\n\r\nYou were ever in the Homecoming parade.\r\n\r\nYou have ever gone home for Homecoming.\r\n\r\nIt was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.\r\n\r\nYou had senior skip day.\r\n\r\nThe whole school went to the same party after graduation.\r\n\r\nYou don't give directions by street names or references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks to the Anderson's turn left and it's four houses left of the football field).\r\n\r\nThe golf course had only nine holes.\r\n\r\nYou can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.\r\n\r\nYour car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.\r\n\r\nYou think kids that ride skateboards are weird.\r\n\r\nThe town next to you is considered \"trashy\" or \"snooty\" but is actually just like your town.\r\n\r\nGetting paid minimum wage is considered a great job.\r\n\r\nYou refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as \"rich\" people.\r\n\r\nThe people in the city dress funny, then you pick up on the trend a few years later.\r\n\r\nYou bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.\r\n\r\nAnyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.\r\n\r\nYou see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.\r\n\r\nFootball coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.\r\n\r\nDirections are given using \"the\" stop light as a reference\r\n\r\nThe city council meets at the coffee shop.\r\n\r\nYour letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.\r\n\r\nYou have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis.\r\n\r\nWeekend excitement involves a trip to the grocery store.\r\n\r\nEven the ugly people enter beauty contests.\r\n\r\nYou decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.\r\n\r\nYour teachers call you by your older siblings names.\r\n\r\nYour teachers remember when they taught your parents.\r\n\r\nYou can charge at all the local stores.\r\n\r\nThe closest McDonald's is 45 miles away. \r\n\r\nSo is the closest mall.\r\n\r\nIt is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.\r\n\r\nEveryone who played sports had to play on every type of team, or there wouldn't be enough people to have a team.\r\n\r\nBeing able to hit a road sign with a beer bottle while driving down the highway is considered a necessary skill.\r\n\r\nA cool vehicle had big tires or a bad-ass stereo. \r\n\r\nYou can remember when your town finally got cable. \r\n\r\nDriving to the party on a four wheeler is quite normal. \r\n\r\nYou thought the 30-year-old guy that still was at all the parties was cool.\r\n\r\nThe town population increases by one-third when the universities go on break.\r\n\r\nThe best burgers in town are at the rink. \r\n\r\nYou know exactly where to go when the party is at \"the lake\". \r\n\r\nYou lost your virginity at a bush party. \r\n\r\nYou actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from a small town.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6137,
"title": "You Know You're From a Small Town When..."
},
{
"body": "You Know You're From New York City When...\r\n \r\n1.) You say \"the city\" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan. \r\n\r\n2.) You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. \r\n\r\n3.) You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. \r\n\r\n4.) Hookers and the homeless are invisible. \r\n\r\n5.) The subway makes sense. \r\n\r\n6.) You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. \r\n\r\n7.) You've considered stabbing someone just for saying \"The Big Apple\". \r\n\r\n8.) The most frequently used part of your car is the horn. \r\n\r\n9.) You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard. \r\n\r\n10.) You consider Westchester \"upstate\". \r\n\r\n11.) You think Central Park is \"nature.\" \r\n\r\n12.) You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking. \r\n\r\n13.) You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a \"steal.\" \r\n\r\n14.) You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times. \r\n\r\n15.) You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent. \r\n\r\n16.) You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid. \r\n\r\n17.) You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed. \r\n\r\n18.) Your closet is filled with black clothes. \r\n\r\n19.) You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since the 80s, and when you did, it terrified you. \r\n\r\n20.) You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents. \r\n\r\n21.) You take fashion seriously. \r\n\r\n22.) Being truly alone makes you nervous. \r\n\r\n23.) You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. \r\n\r\n24.) Going to Brooklyn is considered a \"road trip.\" \r\n\r\n25.) America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you. \r\n\r\n26.) You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form. \r\n\r\n27.) You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise. \r\n\r\n28.) Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes. \r\n\r\n29.) $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag. \r\n\r\n30.) You have a minimum of five \"worst cab ride ever\" stories. \r\n\r\n31.) You don't notice sirens anymore. \r\n\r\n32.) You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns. \r\n\r\n33.) Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian. \r\n\r\n34.) You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you. \r\n\r\n35.) You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skills. \r\n\r\n36.) You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price. \r\n\r\n37.) Your door has more than three locks. \r\n\r\n38.) Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it. \r\n\r\n39.) You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression. \r\n\r\n40.) You run when you see a flashing \"Do Not Walk\" sign at the intersection. \r\n\r\n41.) You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license. \r\n\r\n42.) You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available. \r\n\r\n43.) You're willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent. \r\n\r\n44.) There is no North and South. It's uptown or downtown. \r\n\r\n45.) When you're away from home, you miss \"real\" pizza and \"real\" bagels. \r\n\r\n46.) You know the differences between all the different Ray's Pizzas. \r\n\r\n47.) You're not in the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's Eve. \r\n\r\n48.) Your internal clock is permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street parking regulations are in effect. \r\n\r\n49.) You know what a bodega is. \r\n\r\n50.) You know how to fold the New York Times in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats. \r\n\r\n51.) Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet..... \r\n\r\n52.) You cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like the city in Texas. \r\n\r\n53.) Film crews on your block annoy you, not excite you. \r\n\r\n54.) You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from NYC!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6138,
"title": "You Know You're From New York City, USA When..."
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call it, when a bison gets a loan?\r\nA: A Buffa-loan!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6145,
"title": "The Animal Loan"
},
{
"body": "Daddy: Get the Nuts son\r\nBobby: Yes Dad\r\nDaddy: Ouch!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 6150,
"title": "Grab the Nuts"
},
{
"body": "A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at \"Lovers Cove\" where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat. \r\n\"NO!\" yelled the blonde. \r\n\r\nThe guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again. \r\n\r\n\"NO!\" the blonde yelled again. \r\n\r\nThings got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped. \r\n\r\n\"Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?\" asked the guy. \r\n\r\n\"For the last time, NO!\" said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, \"Well, why the hell not?\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde looked at him and said, \"Because I wanna stay up here with you.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6156,
"title": "Back Seat"
},
{
"body": "Funny Names of Real People \r\nA. Blinkin \r\nA. Nicholas Fivepennies\r\nAaron D. Tires\r\nAaron Jeglad\r\nAaron Yerfavor\r\nAbbie Birthday \r\nAbbie Seenia\r\nAbe L. Tuwok \r\nAbe Ozo \r\nAbe Rudder \r\nAbel N. Willan \r\nAbner Period\r\nAcassa Beer\r\nAcassa Coke\r\nAchilles Punks \r\nAda Burger \r\nAdam Baum\r\nAdam Meway \r\nAdam Pimple\r\nAdam Zapple \r\nAdelaide Evening\r\nAdolph D'Plate\r\nAgusta Wind\r\nAl B. Zienya \r\nAl Beback\r\nAl Bequerque\r\nAl Bino\r\nAl Cahall \r\nAl Catraz\r\nAl Coholic \r\nAl Dente\r\nAl DePantzeu \r\nAl Fabet\r\nAl Fresco\r\nAl Gebra\r\nAl Gee\r\nAl Gore Ithem \r\nAl K. Seltzer\r\nAl Kaholic\r\nAl Kickurass \r\nAl Kida\r\nAl Killeu \r\nAl Ligator\r\nAl Low \r\nAl Lowe Vera\r\nAl Luminum \r\nAl Nino \r\nAl O'Moaney \r\nAlan A. Daiswerk \r\nAlan D'Family\r\nAlan Goodtime \r\nAlba Tross \r\nAlberto Viofive\r\nAlbie Latefordinner\r\nAldo Anything\r\nAldo Itmiselph \r\nAldo Kingsmen\r\nAlec Tricity\r\nAlex Blaine\r\nAlex Blaine Layder \r\nAlf A. Romeo\r\nAlf Abet \r\nAlf Artigan\r\nAli Gator\r\nAli Goricle\r\nAli Noya\r\nAli Tabed\r\nAli Tarise\r\nAlice Nofury\r\nAlice Notlost\r\nAlida Bug\r\nAlison Wonderland\r\nAlla Nightlong\r\nAlma Balzitch\r\nAlma Children\r\nAlma Knack\r\nAlonso Welkept \r\nAlthea Thoon\r\nAlvin D'Lottery\r\nAmanda B. Reckonedwith\r\nAmanda Hugankiss \r\nAmanda Love \r\nAmanda Lynn \r\nAmanda Yellatt\r\nAmber Green\r\nAmelia Barfup\r\nAmelia Cooke\r\nAmes High\r\nAndrew Blood & Denny Beater\r\nAndy Gravity \r\nAndy Semite\r\nAndy Structible \r\nAngel Dust \r\nAngie O'Gram\r\nAngie O'Plasty\r\nAngus Beef\r\nAnita Alibi \r\nAnita Bath \r\nAnita Beer\r\nAnita Biernow \r\nAnita Colbier\r\nAnita Drink\r\nAnita Fixx\r\nAnita Harecutt \r\nAnita Hug\r\nAnita Joint\r\nAnita Lift\r\nAnita Mann\r\nAnita Newman\r\nAnita Nurse\r\nAnita Phillup \r\nAnita Ralf\r\nAnita Rest\r\nAnita Tissue\r\nAnn Angrimob\r\nAnn B. Dextrous \r\nAnn Chovie \r\nAnn Drogeny \r\nAnn Dromeda\r\nAnn L. Eyes\r\nAnn O'Malley \r\nAnn Serdifone\r\nAnn Tartica \r\nAnn Teaks \r\nAnn Tenna\r\nAnn Twerp\r\nAnna Conda \r\nAnna Filaxis\r\nAnna Gram \r\nAnna Liszt\r\nAnna Lytic\r\nAnna Mull \r\nAnna Prentice \r\nAnna Rexic\r\nAnna Rexiya \r\nAnna Turney\r\nAnne Chovey\r\nAnne T. Lope \r\nAnne T. Social \r\nAnne Teak \r\nAnnette Fisher\r\nAnnie Bodie\r\nAnnie Buddyhome \r\nAnnie Daynow\r\nAnnie Mah \r\nAnnie Matter\r\nAnnie Normous Fanny\r\nAnnie One Ome \r\nApril May \r\nApril Shours \r\nAretha Holly\r\nAri Verderci \r\nAriel Hassle \r\nArlo Prices\r\nArmand Aleg\r\nArmand Hammer\r\nArnie Adorable\r\nArsenio Five & Raisyu Five (famous poker players)\r\nArt Collection \r\nArt Major\r\nArt Sifartsi\r\nArthur Itus\r\nArthur Mometer \r\nArtie Choke \r\nAsa Spades \r\nAugusta Wind \r\nAunt E. Belman\r\nAunt Hill\r\nAuntie Gravity\r\nAunty Biotic \r\nAvery Goodbook \r\nAyma Dommy \r\nAyma Moron \r\nAzalea Bush\r\nB. Ware\r\nB.A. Ware\r\nBab L. Enbrook\r\nBaby Dwayne \r\nBarb Bituwitz \r\nBarb Dwyer \r\nBarb E. Cue \r\nBarbara Blacksheep\r\nBarbara Chair \r\nBarbara Seville\r\nBarbie Dahl\r\nBarnaby Wild\r\nBarry A. Bone\r\nBarry D. Hatchett\r\nBarry D'Alive \r\nBarry Shmelly \r\nBarry Thatchet\r\nBart Ender \r\nBasken D. Sun\r\nBea A. Mann\r\nBea Aclown \r\nBea Apal\r\nBea D. Eyes\r\nBea Merry \r\nBea Meup Scotti\r\nBea O'Problem \r\nBea Sting \r\nBea Verhunt\r\nBeau Archer\r\nBeau Vine \r\nBella DeBall\r\nBelle E. Flops\r\nBelle Jinwaffles\r\nBelle Lee Button \r\nBen Around\r\nBen Crobbery \r\nBen Dover \r\nBen Jerelbo\r\nBen Lyon \r\nBen O'Drill \r\nBen Thair \r\nBennett DeWaist\r\nBenny Factor\r\nBent Axel\r\nBermuda Shwartz\r\nBermuda Tre' Angle \r\nBernadette Bra\r\nBernadette Draftcard\r\nBernie Evidence\r\nBernie Sensation\r\nBertha D. Blues\r\nBertha Venation \r\nBess Sellars\r\nBess Twishes \r\nBeth Lee Hemm \r\nBette D'Farm \r\nBetty B. Ready \r\nBetty Bye\r\nBetty Whont\r\nBetty Wowntshow\r\nBeverly Hill\r\nBiff Jerquee \r\nBiff Schteck \r\nBiff Wellington\r\nBill Board\r\nBill Day Bridge\r\nBill Ding\r\nBill Foldes\r\nBill Ling Error\r\nBill Lowney \r\nBill Melater \r\nBill Stoupee\r\nBill Zabub\r\nBilly Club\r\nBing Cherry\r\nBjorn Again \r\nBjorn Free\r\nBjorn Toorun\r\nBjorn Toulouse\r\nBlair A. Horn\r\nBo Lingalley \r\nBo Nacerra \r\nBo Narrow\r\nBo Nessround \r\nBob Apple \r\nBob Frapples\r\nBob Katz \r\nBob LaBla \r\nBob N. DeWaves\r\nBob Uppendown \r\nBob Wire\r\nBobby Pinn \r\nBonnie Contention\r\nBooker Bets\r\nBowen Arrow \r\nBrand Newhouse\r\nBrandon Cattell\r\nBrandon Irons\r\nBrett Andbuter \r\nBrice Tagg \r\nBrighton Early \r\nBrock Lee\r\nBrock Lee Spears\r\nBrook Lynn \r\nBrooke Lynn Bridge\r\nBrooke Trout\r\nBruce Easily\r\nBruno Beer\r\nBruno T\r\nBubba Ganooj\r\nBuck Caneer \r\nBuck Fifty \r\nBuck N. Bronco \r\nBuck Naked \r\nBud Cheeks\r\nBud Inski\r\nBud Light \r\nBud Wieser \r\nBuddy System\r\nBuffy Lowe Bills \r\nBugs Zappa\r\nBurnedette Down \r\nBurnett D'Stake\r\nBurton Ernie \r\nBuster Indechops\r\nBuster N. Delipz \r\nBuzz Zing \r\nC. Good \r\nC. Howlett Fields\r\nC. Senor \r\nCal Culator \r\nCal Culus \r\nCal Efornia \r\nCal Lacopp\r\nCal Seeium \r\nCal Varee \r\nCaldwell Ahead \r\nCandee Graham\r\nCandi Barr\r\nCandi Kane\r\nCandice B. DePlace \r\nCandice B. Fureal \r\nCandice B. Love\r\nCandice E. Ahmbizzy\r\nCandice Wait\r\nCandy Barre\r\nCandy Baskett\r\nCandy Kane\r\nCandy Liver \r\nCandy Store \r\nCandy Sweet\r\nCarl Arm \r\nCarl Breakdown\r\nCarla Spadeaspade\r\nCarlotta Lemons \r\nCarlotta Tendant \r\nCarra S. Midown \r\nCarrie A. Tune\r\nCarrie Dababi \r\nCarrie Datwaite \r\nCarrie DeKoffin \r\nCarrie Mehome \r\nCarrie Miyaway\r\nCarrie Mysac \r\nCarrie Oakie \r\nCarson O. Gin \r\nCary Baggs\r\nCasey Deeya \r\nCasey Needzit \r\nCassidy Ballot \r\nCelia Fate\r\nChanda Lear\r\nChar Isgood \r\nCharity Case\r\nCharley Davidson \r\nCheri Pitts\r\nChester Drawers\r\nChester Gigolo\r\nChi Spurger \r\nCho Kon It \r\nChris Coe\r\nChris Cross \r\nChris Mass \r\nChris Moss \r\nChris P. Bacon \r\nChris P. Critters\r\nChris P. Nugget \r\nChristian Ethic\r\nChuck Roast \r\nChuck St. Eak\r\nChuck Wagon \r\nCindy Light\r\nClair A. Voyant\r\nClaire Annette\r\nClaire DeAir \r\nClaire Enpressant-Danger \r\nClara Net\r\nClara Sabell \r\nClara Sill\r\nClaude Bawls\r\nClaude N. Skretchem \r\nCliff Dweller\r\nCody Pendant \r\nCole Dinner \r\nCole Kutz \r\nCole Slaw\r\nColette A. Day\r\nColin Allcars \r\nColin Ambulance\r\nColin DaFuzz \r\nColin D'Cops\r\nColin Sick \r\nColin Toksho\r\nColin Tosayhi \r\nColleen Cardd \r\nColt Fortifive\r\nConstance Noring\r\nConstance Paine\r\nConstance Wearing\r\nCora D'Apple \r\nCosmo Knott\r\nCottin Annette\r\nCount Dunn\r\nCount Orff\r\nCourtney Fish \r\nCrystal Ball\r\nCrystal Mighty\r\nCrystal Shanda Lear \r\nCrystal Snow\r\nCrystal Stemwear\r\nCuba Sugar \r\nCurt N. Rod\r\nCurt Reply\r\nCurt Sanwhey\r\nCurt Tinrod\r\nCurt Zee\r\nCurtis E. Counts\r\nCy Burns \r\nCy Kosis \r\nCy Lance\r\nCy Q. Out \r\nCy Yonarra \r\nCynthia Fathers\r\nD. John Mustard\r\nD. Liver\r\nDaisy Chain\r\nDaisy Fresh \r\nDaisy Plant\r\nDale E. Bread \r\nDale E. Paper\r\nDan D. Lyons \r\nDan Druff\r\nDan Geruss \r\nDan Singh\r\nDan Surround\r\nDane Jeriss \r\nDanielle Soloud \r\nDarius Lesgettham \r\nDarrell B. Moore \r\nDarrell Likt \r\nDavid Eotaype \r\nDavid N Goliath\r\nDavid N. Believeme\r\nDawn Ovanuday\r\nDean F. Studence \r\nDee Capitated \r\nDee Compose\r\nDee Faced \r\nDee Generate\r\nDee Hydration\r\nDee Licious \r\nDee Lightful \r\nDee Linquent\r\nDee Lovely \r\nDee Niability\r\nDee Sember \r\nDee Stroyer\r\nDee Tox\r\nDee Vine\r\nDeede Tea \r\nDelia Goodhand\r\nDella Gatepower\r\nDella Joke\r\nDella Phones-Ringin \r\nDella Where \r\nDenice Denephew\r\nDenise Arnockin\r\nDennis Anyone\r\nDennis Appointment \r\nDennis L. Bow\r\nDennis Toffice \r\nDenny Buddy Holm \r\nDenny Juan Heredatt \r\nDenton Fender\r\nDes Buratto \r\nDewey Believe\r\nDewey Chizone\r\nDewey Hafta\r\nDewey R. Donti \r\nDi Gress\r\nDi Jest\r\nDi Nomite\r\nDi O'Bolic \r\nDi Rhea\r\nDi Verse\r\nDiane B. Resurrected\r\nDiane Toluvia \r\nDidi Reelydoit \r\nDieter Rhent \r\nDilbert Pickles\r\nDinah Cancer\r\nDinah Meechah\r\nDinah Might \r\nDinah Sore \r\nDobie Cruel\r\nDoll R. Bill... \r\nDom De Dumdum\r\nDom N. Nate\r\nDon Chahnoe\r\nDon Kashane\r\nDon Telonme\r\nDon Thatt \r\nDondi Drain\r\nDondi Lifejackets\r\nDonna d'Dead\r\nDonna Soom\r\nDoris Ajar\r\nDoris Oben \r\nDoris Schutt \r\nDot Com \r\nDot Matrix\r\nDot Snice\r\nDot Yorize & Chris Yortees \r\nDoug Abone \r\nDoug Graves\r\nDouglas Fir \r\nDouglas S. Halfempty \r\nDouglass Fir\r\nDrew A. Blanc \r\nDrew A. Picture\r\nDrew Blood \r\nDrew Lingidiot\r\nDrew Lots\r\nDrew Pictures\r\nDru Blood \r\nDuane Pipe \r\nDuke Amin\r\nDuke Itout \r\nDuke Uhfurl\r\nDuke Untinue\r\nDustin D. Furniture \r\nDusty Corner\r\nDusty Rhodes \r\nDutch Oven\r\nDwayne DeTub \r\nDwayne Pipe\r\nDwight Chocolate\r\nDwight House \r\nDwight Mansburdon\r\nE. C. Street\r\nEarl E. Byrd \r\nEaton Wright\r\nEd Ible \r\nEd Ipus \r\nEd Jewcation \r\nEd N. Shoulders\r\nEd U. Cation \r\nEd Venture \r\nEd Wardian \r\nEd Zortails\r\nEd Zup\r\nEd Zyuwin\r\nEddie Fication\r\nEddie Puscomplechs \r\nEddie Pusrechs \r\nEdin Run\r\nEileen Dover \r\nEileen Dover-Anfell\r\nEileen Sideways\r\nEli Struiznose\r\nEliza Falsehood \r\nElla Fino \r\nElla Funt\r\nElla Snofury\r\nElla Vader\r\nElla Vashow\r\nElle O'Quent \r\nEllie Mentary\r\nEllis Dee \r\nElmer Derrim \r\nElmer Sklue\r\nElmo Bacaroni\r\nElmo DeLawn\r\nEmil Initself\r\nEmil Yunair\r\nEmir O'Rimij\r\nEmma G. Nation \r\nEmma Roids \r\nEmma Siss\r\nEmmanuelle Neverforget\r\nEmmitt Radiation\r\nEnid Suhdrynk \r\nEnzo Itgoes\r\nEric E. Ricardofan\r\nErin Hotwater\r\nErin Troublenow\r\nErland Vinegar\r\nEstelle Hertz\r\nEsther Egg Hunt \r\nEtienne Orolder\r\nEuan Me\r\nEubie Littleme\r\nEugene Eusyou \r\nEulla Gee\r\nEunice Icle\r\nEva Destruction\r\nEva Lanch\r\nEva Lution\r\nEvan Elpus\r\nEvan Gelist \r\nEvan Lee Arps \r\nEvan Stubezzi\r\nEvans Gayte \r\nEve Hill \r\nEve Ning \r\nEve O'Lution \r\nEwan Oozarmi \r\nEwan Whatarmy \r\nEzra Ported\r\nFaith Christian\r\nFanny Flames\r\nFanny O'Rear\r\nFay Tality\r\nFaye Kinnitt \r\nFaye Slift \r\nFelipe D. Bird \r\nFerdinand Tuinbush\r\nFerris Faire \r\nFerris Wheel\r\nFletcher Biceps \r\nFloyd N. DeWater \r\nFlynn Willie Woozie\r\nFord Parker \r\nForest Trudy Trees\r\nFoster Dennis Peeding-Bullet\r\nFrancis Useless \r\nFrank Furter \r\nFrank Incense\r\nFrank Lee Mydear\r\nFrank Lee Speaking \r\nFrank N. Beans\r\nFrank N. Senze\r\nFrank N. Stein \r\nFranklin Mint\r\nFredia Spender Doughmann\r\nFreida Convict \r\nFreida Livery\r\nFreida People \r\nFreida Slaves\r\nFrieda Beemee \r\nFrieda Golden Starvafever\r\nFume A.Gater \r\nGabe Asher \r\nGabe Barr \r\nGabe Oy\r\nGail Force\r\nGail Storm \r\nGail Winds\r\nGay Barber\r\nGay N. Proud\r\nGaye Lourde\r\nGene Antonic\r\nGene E. Yuss \r\nGene Poole\r\nGeoff L. Tavish\r\nGil Demall \r\nGil Fish \r\nGil T. Azell \r\nGinger Root \r\nGinger Snap\r\nGinger Vitas\r\nGino Evil\r\nGladys C. Hughes\r\nGladys Eeya \r\nGladys Friday\r\nGodfrey A. Theist \r\nGrant Stoome \r\nGretchen Vomit \r\nGrey Poupon\r\nGrover Acious\r\nGrover Bose\r\nGrover Etense \r\nGunther Ongway\r\nGus Comzadia \r\nGus Tofwin \r\nGus Undheit\r\nGuy Zendalls \r\nHaile Improbable\r\nHal Apeno\r\nHal E. Luya \r\nHal Jalikakick \r\nHal Litosis\r\nHale Tudachief \r\nHamilton Burger\r\nHammond Ecks \r\nHammond Swiss \r\nHank E. Pankie\r\nHank Erchif\r\nHansen Pockets\r\nHarly Workin\r\nHarmon Ickonvergence\r\nHarmon Ikka \r\nHarmon Injury\r\nHarold Angelsing\r\nHarris Gray \r\nHarris Mint \r\nHarris Thininout\r\nHarrison Fire \r\nHarry Ape\r\nHarry Armand Bach\r\nHarry Barber \r\nHarry Bottom \r\nHarry Butt\r\nHarry Caray\r\nHarry Cox \r\nHarry Knokles\r\nHarry R. M. Pitts\r\nHarry Rump\r\nHart Attack \r\nHart Breaker \r\nHart Burn \r\nHart Failure\r\nHarvey Theryet\r\nHawthorne N. Yercyde \r\nHayden Seek \r\nHazle Nutt \r\nHedda D'Class \r\nHedda Lettuce\r\nHedda State\r\nHedda Verheals\r\nHeidi Clare\r\nHeinrich Maneuver\r\nHeinz Fiftyseven \r\nHeinz Sight\r\nHelen A. Handbasket\r\nHelen Back \r\nHelen Highwater \r\nHelen Wheels\r\nHelena Handbasket \r\nHelmut Hertz Mahed\r\nHelmut Lawz \r\nHenny Questions\r\nHerb Alessence\r\nHerb Avore \r\nHerb E. Side \r\nHerb Garden \r\nHerbie Hind\r\nHerbie Trothed\r\nHerbie Voor \r\nHilda Climb\r\nHiram Cheap\r\nHiram Exican\r\nHolden D'Mayo\r\nHolly Wood \r\nHoman Provement \r\nHomer D'Brave\r\nHomer Run\r\nHope Toodye\r\nHorace Cope \r\nHoward Ayhangin\r\nHoward Ewdune \r\nHoward I. No \r\nHowdy U. Wannit \r\nHowe D. Pardner \r\nHowie Ben Dooinn\r\nHowie Blewitt \r\nHowie Dewett\r\nHoyt E. Toity\r\nHu Flung Pu \r\nHuang Annsaw \r\nHuck A. Loogee\r\nHudson Rivers\r\nHuell Regretit\r\nHuell Tydespirit\r\nHugh Becha\r\nHugh DeMann \r\nHugh Jape \r\nHugh Jass \r\nHugh Jeers\r\nHugh Manity\r\nHugh Midor \r\nHugh Miliation\r\nHugh Mungus\r\nHugh Rinle \r\nHugh Tensile\r\nHugo First \r\nHy Ball\r\nHy Colonic\r\nHy Concept\r\nHy Gene \r\nHy Lowe\r\nHye N. Mighty \r\nHyman American\r\nHyman Idiot\r\nHymie Towne\r\nI. Doodie Claire\r\nI. M. Freezing\r\nI. Ron Stomach \r\nI. Shelby Released\r\nI.D. Clair\r\nI.M. Boring\r\nI.M. Easy\r\nI.P. Daily\r\nI.P. Enyursoop\r\nI.P. Freely\r\nIda Claire\r\nIda Hoe \r\nIda Jury\r\nIda Liver\r\nIda Nyit\r\nIda Whana \r\nIda Zervbetter\r\nIdi Amin D'Doghouse\r\nIduma Best\r\nIgor Beaver\r\nIke & Fess Yeronner\r\nIke and Stan Dieuh\r\nIke Laudius\r\nIke Witt \r\nIknowa Nothing\r\nIlene Dover \r\nIma B. Leever \r\nIma Freeloader\r\nIma Gonnablow\r\nIma Hogg \r\nIma I. Ball\r\nIma June Bug \r\nIma Kid Ding \r\nIma Lima Bean \r\nIma Looney\r\nIma Loser\r\nIma Nottatellinya \r\nIma Pepper\r\nIma Pig\r\nIma Virgen\r\nIndy Firstplace\r\nInga Hootz\r\nInigo Maniac \r\nIra Fuse \r\nIra Gret\r\nIra Gurgitate\r\nIra Linquish\r\nIra Member\r\nIra Neg\r\nIra Pete\r\nIra Pulse\r\nIra Shizer Smiling\r\nIra Zent That\r\nIsaac Cominboss\r\nIsabell Ringing\r\nIsadora Belle\r\nIsadora Bull\r\nIsadora Jar\r\nIsadora Table\r\nIsaiah Oldchap\r\nIsaiah Prayer \r\nIsolde House \r\nItzhak Kintumi\r\nIva Payne\r\nIva Thongon\r\nIvan Cherbody\r\nIvan Chu \r\nIvan Farten\r\nIvan II Baicherneck\r\nIvan Inkling \r\nIvan Odor\r\nIvan Sumbudy \r\nIvan T. Tall \r\nIvan Tugo \r\nIvan Tustay \r\nIvana Tinkle \r\nIvanna B. Badd \r\nIvanna Drink\r\nIvy League\r\nIzzie Yupyet\r\nIzzy Backyet \r\nIzzy Cumming \r\nIzzy Foreel\r\nJack Alope\r\nJack DeCarrup \r\nJack Dupp \r\nJack Hammer \r\nJack Kass \r\nJack N. Debocks \r\nJack O'Lantern \r\nJack Ovalltrades\r\nJack Pott\r\nJacob Sladder \r\nJacque Strap\r\nJacqueline Hyde \r\nJacques Strap\r\nJan U. Wharry \r\nJane Linkfence \r\nJane Miedown \r\nJane Sandwhips \r\nJanice Saykwa\r\nJason DeVillain\r\nJawana Die \r\nJay Walker \r\nJean Poole \r\nJed I. Knight \r\nJeff Healitt \r\nJeff Uelin-Eorzelv \r\nJenn O'Side \r\nJerry Atrick\r\nJerry Mander\r\nJerry Soda \r\nJess O'Gigolo\r\nJess Tate\r\nJesus Marian Joseph\r\nJethro Up\r\nJim Class\r\nJim Locher \r\nJim N. Ecricket\r\nJim Nasium \r\nJim Nasticks \r\nJim Shortz\r\nJim Shue\r\nJim Sox\r\nJim Teacher\r\nJimmy D'Lock\r\nJimmy Krackorn \r\nJo King \r\nJoanna Hand \r\nJodie Maggio\r\nJoe Czarfunee \r\nJoe Kerr \r\nJoe King\r\nJoe Mamma \r\nJoe Navark\r\nJohnny Baptist\r\nJose Canusee \r\nJoy Rider\r\nJoy Trudy World\r\nJuan F. Thiesdeis \r\nJuan Fordemoney\r\nJuan Fortharoad \r\nJuan Nightstand \r\nJuan Voyce\r\nJuana Bea \r\nJuana Beer \r\nJune Bride \r\nJune Bugg \r\nJune Wedding \r\nJustice Fraul\r\nJustin Case \r\nJustin Credible\r\nJustin D. Nickotime \r\nJustin Hale\r\nJustin Inch\r\nJustin Odosdaize \r\nJustin Time \r\nJustin Utter One\r\nKahn Demendums \r\nKandi Apple \r\nKareem O'Wheat \r\nKaren Feeding\r\nKaren Maintenance \r\nKat A. Tonic \r\nKat Agory \r\nKat Alog-Sales \r\nKat Mandu\r\nKate Terdaffair\r\nKatja Fallingstar\r\nKay Ken Coffee\r\nKay Mart-Shoppers \r\nKay Neine\r\nKay O'Pectate \r\nKaye Ken Coffee \r\nKeisha Rass\r\nKeith Myath\r\nKen Dahl\r\nKen Knott\r\nKen Opener \r\nKen Payne Slogan\r\nKen U. Diggit\r\nKen U. Seemee\r\nKendall Litedinner\r\nKenny Dewitt \r\nKenny Penny\r\nKent Cook \r\nKerry Mehome \r\nKerry Oki\r\nKim Payne Slogan \r\nKing Queen\r\nKirk A. Guard\r\nKirk D'Enterprise\r\nKitty Cat\r\nKitty Litter\r\nKlaus Trophobia \r\nKnute Ralize\r\nKris P. Kreme\r\nKris P. Nugget \r\nKrystal Lake\r\nKurt Ambrose Edarms \r\nLabor Payne\r\nLance A Boyle \r\nLance Lyde \r\nLando D'Free\r\nLaura DeLand\r\nLaura Lynne Hardy\r\nLauren Order\r\nLee Gullize Pot \r\nLee King \r\nLee Mealone\r\nLee Nover \r\nLee Vittalone\r\nLeigh Vamessage\r\nLen DeHand \r\nLeo Tarred \r\nLes Izmore\r\nLes Miserables\r\nLes Moore\r\nLevon Time\r\nLida Pharte\r\nLilac Arugg \r\nLilly Livared \r\nLina Cocaine\r\nLina Credit\r\nLincoln Loggs \r\nLincoln Mercury \r\nLisa Carr\r\nLisa House\r\nLisa Neucar \r\nLisa Truck\r\nLiv Good\r\nLiv Turegretit\r\nLiz Bea Ian \r\nLiz Onnia \r\nLois Common Denominator\r\nLon D'Nengland\r\nLon Moore \r\nLorraine Inspain\r\nLotta Heiney \r\nLotta Moxie\r\nLotta Mullarkey\r\nLou Briccant \r\nLou Gubrious\r\nLou Narryclips\r\nLou Pole \r\nLou Sass\r\nLou Sirr \r\nLou Slips\r\nLou Smorels\r\nLou Stooth \r\nLou Tenant\r\nLou Zar \r\nLoudon Clear \r\nLoudon Nuff\r\nLouis Cal O'Ree\r\nLouise E. Anna \r\nLowen Behold\r\nLuca DeIrish\r\nLucinda Crotch\r\nLucinda Head\r\nLucy Andesi \r\nLucy Lastic\r\nLuke Adam Go \r\nLuke B. Foruleap\r\nLuke Warm \r\nLuke Warmwater\r\nLuna Tick\r\nLuv Loz \r\nLyle Ike Adogg \r\nLyn O'Leeum\r\nLynn C. Doyle \r\nLynn Guini \r\nLynn Meabuck \r\nLynn O. Liam \r\nM. T. Bowels\r\nM. T. Head\r\nMabel Syrup \r\nMack Aroni \r\nMack Donalds \r\nMack Kurrena \r\nMadka Owdiseez \r\nMandy Lifeboats\r\nManny Kin \r\nManuel Dexterity\r\nManuel Labor\r\nManuel Transmission \r\nMarcia Dimes \r\nMarcus Absent\r\nMarcus Satan\r\nMarge Innastraightline \r\nMarian Haste\r\nMarie D. Ajurck\r\nMarion Money \r\nMark D Time\r\nMark Mywords\r\nMark Z. Spot \r\nMarlon Fisher\r\nMarrianne Regretit\r\nMarsha Dimes \r\nMarsha Mellow\r\nMarshall Lozinaffect\r\nMarty Graw \r\nMary Adalitalam\r\nMary Christmas \r\nMary Gold \r\nMary Juana \r\nMary Me\r\nMary Ott \r\nMary Thonn \r\nMason Dixon Line\r\nMaude L.T. Ford\r\nMaura DeSame \r\nMaura Less \r\nMaura Plause \r\nMaura Terpitude\r\nMaureen Biologist\r\nMax E. Mumm \r\nMax E. Padd \r\nMax Little\r\nMax Out\r\nMax Power\r\nMay Belle Lean\r\nMay Day\r\nMay Eye\r\nMay Furst\r\nMay I. Kissu\r\nMay Kaliving\r\nMay O'Nays \r\nMay Tag\r\nMeg Lomaniac\r\nMeg Yermindup\r\nMegan Bacon \r\nMel B'Toast\r\nMel K. Way\r\nMel Loewe\r\nMel N. Collie \r\nMel N. Oma\r\nMel Practiss \r\nMel Ted Cheese\r\nMelba Crisp \r\nMelitta Chickadee\r\nMelody Music\r\nMelvin Onupp \r\nMerilee Werolalong\r\nMichelle Lynn \r\nMick L. Obe\r\nMick Stup\r\nMidas Welby\r\nMidas Well \r\nMike Amero\r\nMike Easerindacar\r\nMike Easter\r\nMike Raffone\r\nMike Rapp\r\nMike Rohsopht \r\nMike Rowave\r\nMike Stand \r\nMikhail Snavy\r\nMiles Apart \r\nMiles Away\r\nMiles Tagoe \r\nMilly Meter \r\nMilo Overhead\r\nMina Bird \r\nMina Discrepancy\r\nMinnie Blinds \r\nMinnie Skurt \r\nMinnie Sota \r\nMinnie Van Driver\r\nMinny van Gogh \r\nMinny Vann\r\nMiranda Rietz\r\nMiss Alanius \r\nMisty Bus \r\nMisty C. Shore \r\nMisty Meanor \r\nMisty Rain\r\nMisty Waters \r\nMitch Again \r\nMitch Ermaker\r\nMiya Buttreaks \r\nMoe DeLawn \r\nMoe Lestor\r\nMoe Mentum \r\nMoe Skeeto \r\nMoe Telsiks \r\nMonty Christo \r\nMorgan Mindy\r\nMorgana Pheeling\r\nMorrie Dundant\r\nMorrie Pulsive\r\nMorrie Spect\r\nMort Tallity \r\nMortimer Liking\r\nMorty Fide \r\nMrs C Herring \r\nMrs. Sippy\r\nMuddy Waters \r\nMyles Long\r\nMyra Gret\r\nMyra Maines \r\nNada Friend\r\nNadia Head\r\nNeil B. Formi\r\nNeil Down \r\nNeve Adda \r\nNick Dupp\r\nNick L. Andime \r\nNick L. Odeon \r\nNick Nack \r\nNick Name\r\nNick O'Teen \r\nNick Ovtime \r\nNida Lyte \r\nNile Istic\r\nNoah Parken\r\nNoah Peel\r\nNoah Veil\r\nNoah Zark\r\nNora Gretz\r\nNora Spect\r\nNunzio Dambisnesse \r\nOle Mackerel\r\nOlive Yew \r\nOliver Clothesoff\r\nOliver Clothesoff \r\nOllie Cherhat\r\nOmar Gosh\r\nOphelia Payne \r\nOran Gelo\r\nOrin Julius\r\nOrson A. Round\r\nOrson Cart \r\nOrville N. Wilbur \r\nOsborne Tarun\r\nOscar Demov \r\nOscar Nomination\r\nOswald Matung\r\nOtto B. Kilt \r\nOtto Matique \r\nOtto Mobile \r\nOwen DeBanks \r\nOwen II, the Count\r\nOwen Money \r\nP. Anne O'Recital\r\nP. Brain\r\nP. Eve Doff\r\nPaige Turner \r\nPam Perdbrat\r\nPark Bench \r\nPark Inglot \r\nPark N. Ride \r\nPark Yercarcas \r\nParker Carr \r\nPastor Ammunition\r\nPastor Physical\r\nPastor Prime\r\nPat Butt \r\nPat Medown\r\nPatty Cake \r\nPatty Meltt \r\nPatty O'Furniture\r\nPatty Wagon \r\nPaul Bearer\r\nPaul D'Plug\r\nPaul E. Esther \r\nPaulie O'Vaccine\r\nPayne N. Sofren \r\nPearl E. Gates\r\nPearl E. White\r\nPearl E. Whites\r\nPearl Harbour\r\nPearl O. D'Orient\r\nPeg Legg\r\nPenn Sylpuscher \r\nPenny Candee\r\nPenny Dollar \r\nPenny Dropped\r\nPenny Less\r\nPenny Loafers\r\nPenny Nichols\r\nPenny Wise\r\nPepe Roni\r\nPerl E. Gates \r\nPerry Medik\r\nPerry Noid\r\nPerry Stroika\r\nPete E. Atrition\r\nPete Moss\r\nPete Sahut\r\nPete Sapalla \r\nPete Zaria \r\nPeter Abbott\r\nPeter Andy Wolfe\r\nPeter Pantz \r\nPeter Pounds\r\nPeter Senseless\r\nPetra Phydwood\r\nPhil A. Delphia \r\nPhil A. Mignon\r\nPhil Anderer\r\nPhil DeGrave \r\nPhil Dove Dreemz \r\nPhil Down \r\nPhil Harmonic\r\nPhil Latelic\r\nPhil Likesheet and his brother Luke Likesheet \r\nPhil McCavity \r\nPhil McCrackin \r\nPhil McCrackup \r\nPhil Metaljacket\r\nPhil Mypockets \r\nPhil N. D'Blank\r\nPhil N. Thropic\r\nPhil Osophy\r\nPhil O'Stein\r\nPhil Rupp \r\nPhill Lynne Goode \r\nPhillipa Glass\r\nPhylis Formout\r\nPhylis Officle \r\nPhylis Teen\r\nPierce Deere\r\nPola Ricecap\r\nPolly Ester\r\nPolly Wanda Cracker\r\nPollyanna Rexia\r\nPop Sickle\r\nPorter Rico \r\nPost, Mark\r\nPreston Cleaned\r\nPrice Wright\r\nPu Ping \r\nPurdy Darn Kool \r\nQuinn Tuplets\r\nQuint S. Henschel \r\nR. Dale Come\r\nR. M. Pitt\r\nR. Slicker\r\nR. Sole\r\nRachel Slur\r\nRain Storm\r\nRaisin Hail\r\nRalph Upchuck \r\nRandy Marathon\r\nRandy Quartermile\r\nRandy Stopsign\r\nRandy Udderway \r\nRankin Smellie \r\nRay Beeze \r\nRay C. Barr\r\nRay C. Flagg\r\nRay C. Titanic\r\nRay D. Aider\r\nRay Dio\r\nRay N. Carnation\r\nRay Pist\r\nRay Pugh \r\nRay Zerzedge\r\nReba Dirtchee\r\nReba Tweendalines\r\nReed Undant \r\nRegis Smallprint\r\nRegis Treccione \r\nRemo Paper \r\nRenee Sance \r\nRennie Sonsman\r\nRex DeCarrs \r\nRhoda Boat\r\nRhoda Booke\r\nRhoda Horsey\r\nRhonda Korner \r\nRhyce Saroni\r\nRich Guy\r\nRick Etts \r\nRick Etty-Schpritt \r\nRick Kleiner \r\nRick O'Shea\r\nRick Shaw \r\nRingo Fire\r\nRip Chord \r\nRip Eatafender\r\nRip Roarindrunk \r\nRip Tile \r\nRip Torn\r\nRita Booke\r\nRita Palm\r\nRita Paper\r\nRita Ployment\r\nRob Banks\r\nRob Berbaron\r\nRobin Andis Merryman\r\nRobin Banks \r\nRobin Cradles\r\nRobin D'Cradle\r\nRobin Meeblind \r\nRobin Money\r\nRocco Gibralter\r\nRock Bottoms\r\nRocky Beach\r\nRocky Mountainhigh\r\nRoman Numerals\r\nRon A. Muck \r\nRon Dayvoo\r\nRon D'Campfire\r\nRose Bush \r\nRose Petals\r\nRosie Complexion \r\nRosy Bottoms\r\nRoy L. Flush\r\nRoyal Payne\r\nRuda Wakening\r\nRudy Wakening\r\nRufus Leaking\r\nRufus Lee King\r\nRuss T. Hinge\r\nRussell Cattle\r\nRussell Leeves\r\nRussell Leeves \r\nRusty Bedsprings\r\nRusty Blades\r\nRusty Bottoms\r\nRusty Carr\r\nRusty Dorr\r\nRusty Ford\r\nRusty Hook \r\nRusty Irons\r\nRusty Nails\r\nRusty Nickels\r\nRusty Pipes\r\nRusty Steele\r\nRyan O'Plasty\r\nSadie Word \r\nSal A. Mander\r\nSal A. Vate\r\nSal Ami \r\nSal Ladd \r\nSal M'Nella \r\nSal Sage \r\nSal T. Penutz \r\nSal Vation\r\nSam Diego \r\nSam Manilla\r\nSam Pull\r\nSam Urai \r\nSam Which\r\nSamson Knight\r\nSandy and Shelly Banks \r\nSandy Beach\r\nSandy Beach\r\nSandy Shore\r\nSandy Woodown\r\nSara Bellum\r\nSara Narra\r\nSarah Nade\r\nSarah Tonin\r\nSaron Needles\r\nSasha Deal\r\nSaul E. Terry \r\nSaul Ted Nutzenbeer\r\nSavanna Levin\r\nScott Free\r\nScott Shawn DeRocks \r\nSean Toose\r\nSergio N'General\r\nSeymour Butz \r\nSeymour Heiney \r\nSeymour Movies\r\nShanda Lear \r\nShara Joint \r\nSharon Apartment\r\nSharon Needles\r\nSharon Sharalike\r\nShea Verpussee \r\nSheeza Freak \r\nShel Vigo\r\nShelia Tackya \r\nSheri Cola\r\nSherman Tank\r\nSherman Wadd Evver \r\nShirley Knot \r\nShirley U. Jest\r\nShlomo Sectshual, the Gay Rabbi\r\nSid Downe & Chad Upp \r\nSigfreid Denroy \r\nSimon Eyes\r\nSir Fin Waves \r\nSkip Dover \r\nSkip Roper \r\nSonny Day \r\nSonya Mind\r\nSophie Bulanold \r\nSophie Lirchest \r\nSophie Lizcock \r\nStacey Rhect \r\nStan Back\r\nStan Bymee\r\nStan Dandyliver\r\nStan Down\r\nStan Dupp\r\nStan Dyerground \r\nStan Pat\r\nStanley Cup \r\nStanley Steamer\r\nStarr E. Sky\r\nStella Virgin \r\nSterling Silver \r\nStorm E. See\r\nStu Pendousdork \r\nStu Pidity\r\nStu Pitt \r\nSue Case \r\nSue Cherself\r\nSue D'Bastards\r\nSue E. Side \r\nSue Flocky \r\nSue Perficial\r\nSue Permann\r\nSue Purb \r\nSue Ridge \r\nSue Shee \r\nSue Yourazzof \r\nSue Yu \r\nSummer Camp \r\nSummer Dey \r\nSummer Greene\r\nSven D. Ugetov \r\nSy Kadelik\r\nSy Nondeline\r\nSy Philus \r\nTad Pohl\r\nTalia Wutt\r\nTamara Knight \r\nTamara Z. Notherday\r\nTanya Hyde \r\nTara Hymen\r\nTate Urchips \r\nTaylor Maide \r\nTed E. Baer \r\nTelly Vision \r\nTeresa Green \r\nTeresa Placeforus\r\nTerra Pisapaper \r\nTerry Bull\r\nTerry Clothrobe \r\nTerry Dactul\r\nTess Tickle \r\nThomas Richard Harry\r\nThor Aikinhead \r\nThor Sheblows\r\nThurston Unger\r\nTillie Dyes\r\nTim Buck II \r\nTim Burr \r\nTim Pest \r\nTina See \r\nTitus A. Drum \r\nTitus Canbee \r\nTom A. Toe \r\nTom Aido \r\nTom Braider \r\nTom Katt \r\nTom Morrow\r\nTom O'Dyinday\r\nTom Uhhaukchahp \r\nTommy Jeans \r\nTony Awards \r\nTorah Hyman \r\nTristan Shout \r\nTrudy Lookinglass\r\nTrudy Yerschool\r\nTruer Faltz\r\nTuesday Knight\r\nTy Coon\r\nTy Juan On\r\nTy Kwando \r\nTy Lenol\r\nTy Tannick \r\nTy Tass \r\nTy Twad\r\nTyrone Shoelaces\r\nTyrone Shoes \r\nU DeMann\r\nU. Arnold Phartt \r\nU. Ben Yakinov \r\nU. O. Money\r\nU.P. Freehly \r\nU.R. Dumb\r\nUben Hadd \r\nUlee Daway \r\nUma Ghosh \r\nUpton O'Good\r\nUriel Smart \r\nUrsula Happytune\r\nUta Bomb \r\nUta Mann\r\nUta Payne\r\nVal Crow \r\nVal Lay \r\nVal Lee Girl\r\nVal Veeta \r\nVal Volean \r\nVal Yum \r\nVan Ishingpoint \r\nVan Quish\r\nVan Tasstic \r\nVanna Desedays\r\nVanna Teafair\r\nVanna Teapress\r\nVelvet Cushion \r\nVelvet Fogg \r\nVerna Lee Quinox\r\nVic Tim Mize\r\nVic Toree\r\nVic Trolla\r\nVictor E. Lane \r\nVictor E. March\r\nVinny Shinblinds\r\nVirginia Hamm\r\nVlad Tire \r\nVye Brator \r\nWaldo R. Fastoria \r\nWaldo Walkarpiting \r\nWalter E. Graves\r\nWalter Melon \r\nWalter Melon\r\nWalter Walcarpeting\r\nWanda Hughes Kissinger \r\nWanda Party\r\nWanda Rinn\r\nWanda Schtupp?\r\nWanda Sleeplate \r\nWanda Watts Upp\r\nWanna Hickey\r\nWarren D'Gulf\r\nWarren Peace \r\nWarren Remembrance\r\nWarren T. \r\nWatson Yurface \r\nWayne Deer \r\nWayne Dwopp\r\nWayne Kerr \r\nWayne King \r\nWeldon Chuck Roast \r\nWeldon Rumproast\r\nWendell Ottery\r\nWendy Boughbreaks \r\nWendy Expectimback\r\nWendy Goin-Getztuff \r\nWendy Lottery \r\nWendy Shoofitz\r\nWendy Windbloes \r\nWill Barrow\r\nWill N. Testament \r\nWill Power \r\nWill Race\r\nWill U. Marryme\r\nWill U. Suckme \r\nWill Wynn \r\nWill Yashadup\r\nWilliam Arryme\r\nWillie Arwontee \r\nWillie B. Long \r\nWillie Buyit\r\nWillie Dewer\r\nWillie Everlearn\r\nWillie Maykit\r\nWilly Gofar \r\nWilma Ballstopitchin \r\nWilma Dickfit \r\nWindy Day\r\nWinn Dough \r\nWinnie Bago \r\nWinnie Dipoo \r\nWinsom Cash\r\nWoody DuWitt\r\nWright Ball\r\nWynn Dee Weather \r\nX. Benedict\r\nX. Marx D'Spot\r\nX. Ray Specs\r\nXavier Breath \r\nXavier Money \r\nXavier Self\r\nYitzhak Ryme \r\nYolanda Mann \r\nYora Hogg\r\nYork Hunt\r\nYork Rapp\r\nYule B. Sari \r\nYule Bringham Joy\r\nYuri Diculous\r\nYuri Greta Remarque\r\nYuri Joyce\r\nYuri Member\r\nYuri Nallisiss \r\nYuri Neighshun\r\nYuri Pulsive\r\nYuri Sponsible\r\nYuri Thritis\r\nYussef Uckinliar\r\nYves Drop \r\nYvonne Tibet\r\nZack A. Potatoes \r\nZack Lee Wright\r\nZack O'Shit\r\nZack Ramento \r\nZack Religious\r\nZalt Ann Pepper \r\nZeke N. Yeshallfind \r\nZelda Merchindiz \r\nZoe Ology\r\nZoltan Pepper Military Names \r\nColonel O. Korn\r\nCorporal Punishment\r\nGeneral Admission\r\nGeneral Anethstisia\r\nGeneral E. Speaking\r\nGeneral Incompetence\r\nGeneral Principles\r\nGeneral Store\r\nGeneral Weakness\r\nMajor Asshole\r\nMajor B. O.\r\nMajor Disaster\r\nMajor Hardon \r\nMajor Lee Small \r\nMajor Payne\r\nMajor Paynin D'Arse\r\nMajor Problems\r\nMajor Snafu\r\nPrivate Parts\r\nPrivate Road\r\nRear Admiral Butts\r\n\r\nForeign Names\r\nAlcott Yubolsov\r\nChew Man Chew\r\nDi A. Rea\r\nDobe Fugin Widdat\r\nDook N. Pants\r\nF. R. Ting\r\nHaka Lue Gie\r\nHenotter Titiov\r\nHo Hum\r\nHoo Flung Pooh\r\nHu Flung Dung\r\nIman S. Hole\r\nKis Myass\r\nPee Don Yu\r\nSchrivalup Andropov\r\nShiek Yiboudi\r\nSom Dum Guy\r\nSom Yung Chick\r\nTai Mai Shu\r\nTai Mi Shu \r\nWong Tern\r\nWong Wei\r\nYung N. Dum\r\nYura Stinker\r\n\r\nDoctor's Names\r\nDr .Ken Hurt\r\nDr. A. Sickman\r\nDr. Achey \r\nDr. Aikenhead\r\nDr. Albright\r\nDr. Alden Cockburn \r\nDr. Anger \r\nDr. B. Sick\r\nDr. Bacon Moore \r\nDr. Bjerk\r\nDr. Bloodgood \r\nDr. Bonebrake \r\nDr. Bones\r\nDr. Bozzo \r\nDr. Bratt \r\nDr. Brilliant\r\nDr. Busyhead \r\nDr. Butcher\r\nDr. Call\r\nDr. Cheek\r\nDr. Chew (dentist)\r\nDr. Chu (dentist)\r\nDr. Crook \r\nDr. Daryl B Payne\r\nDr. De Kay (dentist)\r\nDr. Deadman\r\nDr. Drewel (dentist)\r\nDr. Duck Lim \r\nDr. Ether\r\nDr. Fang (dentist)\r\nDr. Fear\r\nDr. Filler (dentist)\r\nDr. Flash Gordon \r\nDr. Frank Staggers \r\nDr. Frye (burn specialist)\r\nDr. Gentle\r\nDr. Gore \r\nDr. Grossberger \r\nDr. Grunt\r\nDr. Gutman\r\nDr. Hand\r\nDr. Harm\r\nDr. Harry Bear \r\nDr. Hart\r\nDr. Heine\r\nDr. Hipps \r\nDr. Holler\r\nDr. Howard Hertz \r\nDr. Hurter\r\nDr. Hurtt\r\nDr. Hyman\r\nDr. J.A.W. (dentist)\r\nDr. James D. Cure \r\nDr. Khan Do\r\nDr. Kidder \r\nDr. Klotz\r\nDr. Klutts\r\nDr. Kwak\r\nDr. Lana Cain \r\nDr. Lancit\r\nDr. Les Plack (dentist)\r\nDr. Lipkiss \r\nDr. Lipp \r\nDr. Lips\r\nDr. Long Vu \r\nDr. Looney\r\nDr. Mangle\r\nDr. Meek \r\nDr. Mehmet A. Okay \r\nDr. Mohammed Behairy \r\nDr. Mollar. (Dental school professor)\r\nDr. Myracle\r\nDr. Nasti\r\nDr. Nervo\r\nDr. Nightengale \r\nDr. Ohno\r\nDr. Pain\r\nDr. Patient\r\nDr. Payne\r\nDr. Pepper\r\nDr. Pick (dentist)\r\nDr. Pullen (dentist)\r\nDr. Pullman (dentist)\r\nDr. Pulse\r\nDr. Rash\r\nDr. Ricketts \r\nDr. Root (dentist)\r\nDr. Schotz\r\nDr. Seymour Frankfurt \r\nDr. Seymour Weiner\r\nDr. Shugar\r\nDr. Si Yoo \r\nDr. Skinner (dermatologist)\r\nDr. Slaughter\r\nDr. Smiley\r\nDr. Spine \r\nDr. Spits (dentist)\r\nDr. Spot\r\nDr. Swallow (dentist)\r\nDr. Thomas Glasscock \r\nDr. Toothman\r\nDr. Waki Ho \r\nDr. Whitehead (dermatologist)\r\nDr. Yankum (dentist)\r\nDr. Yellin\r\n\r\nVeteranians\r\nDr. Barker\r\nDr. Barksdale\r\nDr. Basset\r\nDr. Bowser\r\nDr. Butcher\r\nDr. Doolittle\r\nDr. Fish\r\nDr. Fox\r\nDr. Hogg\r\nDr. Howell\r\nDr. Katz\r\nDr. Leash\r\nDr. Lyons\r\nDr. Nay\r\nDr. Parrott\r\nDr. Pett\r\nDr. Render\r\nDr. Shepard\r\nDr. Wagy\r\nDr. Wolff\r\nDr. Woof",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6162,
"title": "Funny Names * Long List! *"
},
{
"body": "Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken.Call the manager!\r\nWaiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6164,
"title": "Dinner"
},
{
"body": "A man was searching the dictionary for the word 'Dictionary'. He found this meaning: Dictionary is the thing you are holding, Stupid. Wondering what the definition of stupid was, he searched for the word stupid, he found: Is that you again?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6165,
"title": "Dictionary"
},
{
"body": "It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. \r\n\r\nA recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. \r\n\r\nIt is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer. \r\n\r\nThe entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home. \r\n\r\nWhen two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. \r\n\r\nIt is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers. \r\n\r\nYou can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times. \r\n\r\nA city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit. \r\n\r\nIt is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel. \r\n\r\nIt is illegal to milk another person's cow. \r\n\r\nAbilene \r\nIt is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing. \r\n\r\nAustin \r\nWire cutters can not be carried in your pocket. \r\n\r\nBorger \r\nIt is against the law to throw confetti, rubber balls, feather dusters, whips or quirts (riding crop), and explosive firecrackers of any kind. \r\n\r\nClarendon \r\nIt is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster. \r\n\r\nEl Paso \r\nChurches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons \"of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them.\" \r\n\r\nHouston \r\nBeer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday. \r\n\r\nIt is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday. \r\n\r\nGalveston\r\nIt is illegal to drive a motor car down Broadway before noon on Sundays. \r\n\r\nJasper \r\nDogs must be on a leash at ALL times. Fine of 100 dollars. \r\n\r\nLeFors \r\nIt is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing. \r\n\r\nLubbock County \r\nIt is illegal to drive within an arm's length of alcohol - including alcohol in someone else's blood stream. \r\n\r\nMesquite \r\nIt is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts. \r\n\r\nPort Arthur \r\nObnoxious odors may not be emitted while in an elevator. \r\n\r\nRichardson \r\nIt is now illegal to place a \"for sale\" sign on a car if it visible from the street. \r\n\r\nSan Antonio \r\nIt is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands. \r\n\r\nIt is illegal to urinate on the Alamo. \r\n\r\nTemple \r\nNo one may ride a horse and buggy through the town square. \r\n\r\nYou can ride your horse in the saloon. \r\n\r\nCattle thieves may be hanged on the spot. \r\n\r\nTexarkana \r\nOwners of horses may not ride them at night without tail lights.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6167,
"title": "Texas Dumb Laws"
},
{
"body": "1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.\r\n\r\n\r\n2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, \"Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?\"\r\n\r\n\r\n3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with \"I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.\" Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, \"Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.\"\r\n\r\nHer response was \"click.\"\r\n\r\n\r\n4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, \"Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.\"\r\n\r\n\r\n5. I got a call from a man who asked, \"Is it possible to see England from Canada?\" \r\n\r\nI said, \"No.\" \r\n\r\nHe said, \"But they look so close on the map.\"\r\n\r\n\r\n6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, \"I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.\"\r\n\r\n\r\n7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!\r\n\r\n\r\n8. A woman called and asked, \"Do airlines put your physical description\r\non your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?\" I said, \"No, why do you ask?\" She replied, \"Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?\" After putting her on hold for a minute while \"I looked into it,\" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.\r\n\r\n\r\n9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, \"How do I know which plane to get on?\" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, \"I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.\"\r\n\r\n\r\n10. \"A woman called and said, \"I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.\" I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, \"Yeah, whatever.\"\r\n\r\n11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. \"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many\r\ntimes and never had to have one of those.\" I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.\"\r\n\r\n12. A woman called to make reservations. \"I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York.\" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, \"Are you sure that's the name of the town?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, what flights do you have?\" replied the customer. \r\n\r\nAfter some searching, the agent came back with, \"I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere.\" \r\n\r\nThe customer retorted,\"Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!\" \r\n\r\nThe agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, \"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?\"\r\n\r\n \"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6169,
"title": "Actual Stories Provided By Travel Agents"
},
{
"body": "A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. \"Hurry!\" she said, \"stand in the corner.\" She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. \"Don't move until I tell you to,\" she whispered. \"Just pretend you're a statue.\" \r\n\r\n\"What's this, honey?\" the husband inquired as he entered the room. \"Oh, it's just a statue,\" she replied nonchalantly. \"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.\" \r\n\r\nNo more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. \r\n\r\n\"Here,\" he said to the 'statue', \"eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6172,
"title": "Statue"
},
{
"body": "A city slicker decided to buy himself a pig, so he drove to the country until he saw a sign that said \"PIGS FOR SALE\". \r\nTurning into the driveway, he spotted the farmer, told him what he wanted, and they agreed on a price. They went to the barn where the farmer picked up a pig by the tail with his teeth. \"Yup, that there swine weighs 74 pounds.\" \r\n\r\nNoticing the man's bewilderment, the farmer explained that it was a family trait, passed on through generations, to be able to precisely weigh pigs in that manner. The city slicker, however, insisted on a second opinion. So the farmer called his son over and the boy came up with the same result. The man was ready to buy the pig on the spot, but the farmer said to go on up to the house and pay his wife. The man could then bring the receipt back to the farmer and take the pig. After a long wait, the city slicker finally returned, but without a receipt. \r\n\r\n\"What's the problem, son?\" asked the farmer. \r\n\"I went up there like you said,\" said the man, \"And your wife was too busy.\" \r\n\"Busy doing what?\" \r\n\"Well, don't quote me on this,\" he warned, \"But I think she was weighing the milkman.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6173,
"title": "Pigs For Sale"
},
{
"body": "--That comment about Elton being \"twice the woman\" she ever was.\r\n \r\n--Caught Eminem fantasizing about killing other women. \r\n\r\n--Sick of hiding her love for the Insane Clown Posse. \r\n\r\n--Sure, he talks and raps like a black man, but when he takes down his pants... \r\n\r\n--Would rather end up like Nicole Kidman than Nicole SIMPSON. \r\n\r\n--Overheard 5-year-old daughter shouting, \"Faggot!\" while watching \"Mr. Rogers\". \r\n\r\n--Recently overtaken by a strange and unfamiliar compulsion to live past the age of 35. \r\n\r\n--I mean come on, people. . . the dude LOST TO STEELY DAN!!! \r\n\r\n--Thanks to a recent surgery, her head's no longer implanted deep within her own rectum. \r\n\r\n...And The Top Reason Eminem's Wife Filed For Divorce. . . \r\n\r\n--Sick of dating a rich, famous, abusive bastard. Would like to try a poor, unknown abusive bastard for a change.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6177,
"title": "Why Eminems Wife Filed a Divorce"
},
{
"body": "An older man, Mr.Brown, in his hospital room knew that he was nearing his death, so he called in the three people that he trusted the most - his doctor, his pastor, and his lawyer. They were all waiting sadly outside of his room, when he called in his doctor. The doctor walked in slowly expecting to have to reassure the diagnosis. To his surprise, his patient handed him $30,000 in cash. Mr. Brown simply said, \"When I die, put this in my coffin.\" \r\n \r\n The doctor walked walked out confused and told the pastor that Mr. Brown was ready for him. Now the pastor walked in expecting for Mr. Brown to confess every sin he ever committed in hopes of ending it right. To his surprise, the old man handed him another $30,000; Mr. Brown simply repeated himself. \r\n\r\n His pastor walked out searching the possibilities and told the lawyer that his client was ready for him. The lawyer walked in expecting that his client would want to review his will. To his surprise, Mr. Brown handed him another $30,000 and calmly repeated himself.\r\n\r\n Later that night, Mr. Brown passed on. 3 days later his lamenting family members set up a small funeral in his honor. The lawyer, the doctor, and the pastor all showed up. After the funeral, they gathered and discussed what they did with the small fortunes so simply handed to them.\r\n\r\n The doctor spoke up with a look of defeat on his face, \"I was going to return the money, but that poor little girl could not afford the operation.\" The pastor spoke up with a similar look, \"I was going to return the money, but we were so close to the price of the new sanctuary.\" The lawyer spoke up with the look of triumph on his face, \"I knew that ya'll would fail, so I wrote a check for $90,000 to cover all of our debt.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 6185,
"title": "$90,000"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to his mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said \"You must be an expert!\" The man replied, \"No sir I'm just a tax collector.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6189,
"title": "Quarter"
},
{
"body": "During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one -\r\n\r\n\"John, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?\"\r\n\r\n\"Just a minute, I have to go piss.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher replied \"That would be rude and impolite!\"\r\n\r\n\"What about you, Michael, how would you say it?\"\r\n\r\n\"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher responded, \"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table.\"\r\n\r\n\"And you, Billy, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?\"\r\n\r\n\"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher fainted.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6194,
"title": "Dear Friend of Mine"
},
{
"body": "You Know You're Addicted to Harry Potter When...\r\n \r\n1.) You make a wand and try to use it.\r\n\r\n2.) You call your least favorite teacher Snape.\r\n\r\n3.) You call your favorite teacher Dumbledore.\r\n\r\n4.) You wear robes to school or work.\r\n\r\n5.) You make \"floo powder\", get in the fire, and try to go to your friends' house.\r\n\r\n6.) You have read all the books more than four times.\r\n\r\n7.) You've been bookstore at midnight to get the latest Harry Potter book before all your friends.\r\n\r\n8.) You've worn a Harry Potter costume in public.\r\n\r\n9.) You have a crush on one of the Harry Potter characters.\r\n\r\n10.) You've gotten at least one of your friends addicted to Harry Potter.\r\n\r\n11.) You actually caught the \"Wand Order\" mistake before you heard/read about it.\r\n\r\n12.) You are upset at the New York Times for creating a seperate childrens best seller list because of the Harry Potter books.\r\n\r\n13.) Using clues in the book, you have attempted to find the exact geographical location of Hogwarts.\r\n\r\n14.) You have constructed a timeline of events in the Harry Potter books.\r\n\r\n15.) You have attempted to figure out the exact ages of all the Weasley children.\r\n\r\n16.) You have spent time contemplating which main characters will die by the time the series is over.\r\n\r\n17.) You've been to see all the Harry Potter movies on opening night. (Bonus points for standing in line in costume!)\r\n\r\n18.) You've read Harry Potter fanfic.\r\n\r\n19.) You've written Harry Potter fanfic.\r\n\r\n20.) You run a Harry Potter fansite.\r\n\r\n21.) You visit The Leaky Cauldron daily.\r\n\r\n22.) You've met other Harry Potter fans from online in real life.\r\n\r\n23.) You've participated in a Harry Potter RPG.\r\n\r\n24.) You've dreamed about Harry Potter.\r\n\r\n25.) You have a Harry Potter poster on your wall.\r\n\r\n26.) Each Halloween, there's no question what you'll dress up as...!\r\n\r\n27.) You've spent time doing a timeline to see if you would have been old enough to date a certain character when you were in high school.\r\n\r\n28.) You've vacationed to London, simply to search for the Leaky Cauldron.\r\n\r\n29.) You own a black lab named Sirius Black.\r\n\r\n30.) You've knitted a Weasley sweater or Harry Potter scarf.\r\n\r\n31.) You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to Harry Potter!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6196,
"title": "Addicted to Harry Potter?"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny was doing his homework, and it was some sort of code where you had to fill in which letter is which, i.e. the letter a = 1, b = 2, d = 4, etc. He got to one that he didn't know which number it was, and he decided to ask his father, who was sitting on the couch next to him.\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny said, \"Hey dad, can you tell me what the 25th letter of the alphabet is?\"\r\n\r\nThe dad answered, \"Y.\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny said, \"Because I wanna know. Gosh, do you know it or not?\"\r\n\r\nThe dad said, \"Y, son!\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny said, \"Because I wanna know, and if you want to deny it again, then you are more of a *&^%ing *&^%$ than a ^&*# on a %$#@!\r\n\r\nThe dad took this hard, and said meekly, \"It's the letter 'y', son.\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny said, \"Oh, thank you, dad. So I guess this would be a bad time to ask for a raise for my allowance, eh?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6198,
"title": "Dad, Can You....."
},
{
"body": "Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father's getting tired of it.\r\n\r\nHe decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, \"Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.\"\r\n\r\nTwo days before Christmas, Justin's father asks him what he wants for Christmas. \"I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.\"\r\n\r\nOn Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, \"What did Santa bring you this year?\"\r\n\r\nJustin replies, \"I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can't find the son of a bitch!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6199,
"title": "Dog Poop"
},
{
"body": "Beware of the following new computer viruses\r\n=====================================================\r\n\r\nADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. \r\n\r\nAIRBAG VIRUS - Can only cause harm if you are a petite computer operator who sits too close to the screen. Provides a handy ON-OFF switch in most current release.\r\n\r\nAIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. \r\n\r\nAL GORE VIRUS - Claims that it is the Internet. Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting. \r\n\r\nALZHEIMER'S VIRUS - It makes your computer forget where it put your files.\r\n\r\nAPPLE VIRUS - Virus-8, originally planned as a revolutionary redesign of aging but classic virus software, had to be repackaged and simplified after the original attempt failed to keep up with rapidly shifting design goals. Fortunately, the current production version can infect older Macintoshes as well as the latest models.\r\n\r\nARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS v 1.0 - It terminates and stays resident. It'll be back!\r\n\r\nARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS v 2.0 - Now widespread in California where it wiped out the Gray Davis virus and is terminating programs left and right in the state legislature's computers. \r\n\r\nAT&T VIRUS - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.\r\n\r\nBILL CLINTON VIRUS v 1.0 - It has a six inch hard drive and no memory. Freezes entire system due to unresolved memory conflicts.\r\n\r\nBILL CLINTON VIRUS v 2.0 - It tells you it's executing any program you want, whether or not it's on your computer.\r\n\r\nBILL CLINTON VIRUS v 3.0 - Fills you with the compulsion to cut wasteful government spending at the same time that it compels you to hop into an airplane for a $200.00 haircut at taxpayer expense. \r\n\r\nBILL CLINTON VIRUS v 4.0 - Mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.\r\n\r\nBILL CLINTON VIRUS v 5.0- Promises to give equal time to all processors- 50% to poor, slow processors; 50% to middle-class processors, and 50% to rich ones. This Virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.\r\n\r\nBILL CLINTON VIRUS v 6.0 - Automatically connects to every URL in your Internet browser's list of bookmarks, then it tells you emphatically that your computer never made any connections to any URL, because since it didn't transmit and receive simultaneously, it wasn't really connected. \r\n\r\nBILL GATES VIRUS - This dominant strain searches for desirable features in all other viruses via the internet. It then either engulfs the competing viruses or removes their access to computers until they die out.\r\n\r\nBIN LADEN (aka AL QAEDA) VIRUS - displays threatening messages and spawns numerous smaller viruses that periodically destroy files. The Bin Laden virus and its spawned viruses are being seen less and less frequently and may be becoming extinct due to the spread of the George W. Bush virus. \r\n\r\nBIRTHDAY VIRUS - Keeps advancing your clock by another year. \r\n\r\nBOB DOLE VIRUS - Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat. \r\n\r\nBOB DOLE (aka VIAGRA) VIRUS - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. \r\n\r\nBUREAUCRAT VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. \r\n\r\nCHILD VIRUS - It constantly does annoying things, but is too cute to get rid of.\r\n\r\nCONGRESSIONAL VIRUS v 1.0 - It runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.\r\n\r\nCOMGRESSIONAL VIRUS v 2.0 - Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.\r\n\r\nCONGRESSIONAL VIRUS v 3.0 - Overdraws your disk space. \r\n\r\nCOUCH POTATO VIRUS - Just sits there, eating chips all day. \r\n\r\nDEMOCRAT VIRUS - Doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space - if you try, it accuses you of being a \"mean-spirited extremist\". \r\n\r\nDIET VIRUS - Allows your hard drive to lose weight by eliminating the FAT table.\r\n\r\nDISNEY VIRUS - Everything in the computer goes Goofy.\r\n\r\nDOLLY PARTON VIRUS - It sounds pretty good, but you'd swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.\r\n\r\nDONALD TRUMP VIRUS - Harmless unless you use online banking.\r\n\r\nELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS v 1.0 - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.\r\n\r\nELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS v 2.0 - Disks can no longer be inserted. \r\n\r\nELVIS VIRUS - Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.\r\n\r\nFEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. \r\n\r\nFEDERAL RESERVE VIRUS - Affects performance of CDs. \r\n\r\nFIRESTONE VIRUSES - Causes mouse to explode after 10,000 miles. Flying toasters actually fly off your screen saver. Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.\r\n\r\nFREUDIAN VIRUS - Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. Becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.\r\n\r\nFRENCH VIRUS - garbles some files and then displays a message asking you for help. If you click OK, it just garbles more files and asks for help again. If you click Cancel, it displays the message, \"I surrender!\" and shuts down your computer. If you click Ignore, it scans your computer for the German and Russian viruses. If the French, Russian, and German viruses find each other, they merge into a single virus that conflicts with the George W. Bush virus, slowing it down. \r\n\r\nGALLUP POLL VIRUS - 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error). \r\n\r\nGEORGE MICHAEL VIRUS - Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.\r\n\r\nGEORGE W. BUSH VIRUS v 1.0 - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.\r\n\r\nGEORGE W. BUSH VIRUS v 2.0 - Tells you it's going to eliminate all other viruses from your computer but that it may take a long time. Then it actually does scan your computer and eliminate viruses. It also scans for Programs of Mass Destruction (PMD), which are programs that destroy a lot of files if they are run. PMDs may be caused by a number of other viruses, such as the Saddam Hussein virus. The only problems with the George Bush virus are that it uses up a lot of your computer's resources while it's scanning, it never seems to find any PMDs, and it keeps switching the background color on your computer screen back and forth between yellow and orange. \r\n\r\nGERALDO RIVERA VIRUS - Digs dirt out of your files, but it airs the dirt for all to see. Temporarily disabled with CHAIR.EXE. \r\n\r\nGOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.\r\n\r\nGRIDLOCK VIRUS - Keeps shuffling information that it calls 'bills' between your CPU and BUS, sending messages like 'House Bill #xxxx is unacceptable to Senate'. Never gets any work done. \r\n\r\nHEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. \r\n\r\nHILLARY CLINTON VIRUS v 1.0 - Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory. \r\n\r\nHILLARY CLINTON VIRUS v 2.0 - sets the \"hidden\" attribute on all your accounting files and tells you your computer won't run in 2004 or 2008. Many experts believe this virus may become its most dangerous in 2008. \r\n\r\nHOWARD STERN VIRUS - One of the dirtiest viruses around. It writes 4 letter words to all of your files just to annoy the operating system. It also installs an X-rated GIF on your hard drive. Very popular.\r\n\r\nHURRICANE VIRUS - It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.\r\n\r\nIRS AUDIT VIRUS - It comes in with very little warning, digs through all your files then sells all your worldly possessions on Ebay, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. It doubles the files on your hard drive while it states it is decreasing the number of files, increases the cost of your computer, taxes its CPU to maximum capacity, and then uses Quicken to access your bank accounts and deplete your balances.\r\n\r\nJEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS - Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.\r\n\r\nJERRY SPRINGER VIRUS - Appears on your screen and says it has something to tell you and you may not like it. \r\n\r\nJESSE JACKSON VIRUS - warns you repeatedly not to reproduce illegitimate files, but meanwhile, it's reproducing illegitimate files in the background. And if you don't have a color monitor displaying 32-bit true color, it floods your screen with icons and threatens to shut down your computer. \r\n\r\nJIMINY CRICKET VIRUS - Changes your Zip disk into a Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah disk. \r\n\r\nJIMMY HOFFA VIRUS - Nobody can find it. Your programs can never be found again.\r\n\r\nJOHNNY COCHRAN VIRUS - (Often accompanied by one or more of the O.J. Viruses.) If it has no RISC, you must FDISK. \r\n\r\nJOKE VIRUS - poses as a harmless list of funny computer virus names. Is quickly passed from one user to all other users via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.\r\n\r\nKAFKA VIRUS - Your operating system gradually metamorphosizes into a big hairy bug. \r\n\r\nKEN STARR VIRUS v 1.0 - Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer. \r\n\r\nKEN STARR VIRUS v 2.0 - Developed in early 1990's at considerable government expense. Claims to be working on one task but can quickly switch functions when the first process bogs down. Only operates on US government computers at this time. Tends to diminish effectiveness of more important programs by hogging most CPU cycles with infinite loops.\r\n\r\nKEVORKIAN VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.\r\n\r\nLAPD VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in \"self-defense.\" \r\n\r\nLEFT-WING-DRIVEL VIRUS - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better. \r\n\r\nLINUX VIRUS - Causes the computer to hang for several days while it tracks down hardware drivers, networking how-to's, and window managers. Then it quits, saying that if you had better programming skills, your hard drive would be wiped by now. \r\n\r\nMAFIA VIRUS - You don't want it, but you're afraid to get rid of it.\r\n\r\nMARIO CUOMO VIRUS - It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.\r\n\r\nMARTHA STEWART VIRUS - Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.\r\n\r\nMCI VIRUS v 1.0 - Encourages you to send it to your friends and family. \r\n\r\nMCI VIRUS v 1.0 - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.\r\n\r\nMICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS v 1.0 - Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. \r\n\r\nMICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS v 2.0 - It preys on child processors.\r\n\r\nMICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS v 3.0 - It's BAD. Computer freaks out when you put flame or Pepsi next to it. Some people think it's identical to the Latoya Jackson virus because they have both never been seen together.\r\n\r\nMIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after one byte.\r\n\r\nMILITIA VIRUS - Wipes out your operating system claiming it has no right to control your PC. \r\n\r\nMOM VIRUS - Places a phone call to your mother every time you click on an adult website. \r\n\r\nMONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS v 1.0 - It sucks the juice out of your system, but only affects laptops. Then, it emails everyone about what it did. This later activates the Independent Counsel virus.\r\n\r\nMONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS v 2.0 - A low level virus that enters restricted parts of your file system 36 times yet there's no record of its activity. When it runs, it has no improper relationship with your computer's executive software yet its effectiveness is somehow diminished. \r\n\r\nMORAL MAJORITY VIRUS - This modest virus claimed great influence in the 1980's, but fell behind in features and upgrades and was finally abandoned by it's developers.\r\n\r\nMTV's \"THE REAL WORLD\" VIRUS - Replaces your default Windows sounds with excruciating Gen-X whining and bitching. \r\n\r\nNATIONAL ORGANIZATION OF WOMEN (NOW) VIRUS - Forces your PC to recognize its female connections as male connections. \r\n\r\nNATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO VIRUS - This virus design used to be quite influential and innovative when it's original release was publicly funded. After Government funding cuts yanked its teeth, the designers sold out to corporate interests and it no longer affects your data much.\r\n\r\nNEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS - Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.\r\n\r\nNEWT GINGRICH VIRUS - It repartitions your hard disk into two volumes yet allocates most of the available resources to the 'Right' partition. When attacked by anti-virus software from the 'left' partition, it terminates and restarts to continue its work as a background process.\r\n\r\nNIKE VIRUS - Just does it. \r\n\r\nO.J. SIMPSON VIRUS v 1.0 - It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.\r\n\r\nO.J. SIMPSON VIRUS v 2.0 (Often accompanied by the Johnny Cochran Virus.) \u00e2\u0080\u0093 You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it. Every time you try to search for a file, it runs \"Pro Golf Tour 2000\" instead.\r\n\r\nOPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.\r\n\r\nPAT BUCHANAN VIRUS v 1.0 - Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.\r\n\r\nPAT BUCHANAN VIRUS v 2.0 - Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software. \r\n\r\nPAT BUCHANAN VIRUS v 3.0 - Splits an otherwise healthy hard drive into two meaningless parts. Don't worry -- it affects less than 1% of computers and isn't likely to spread at all.\r\n\r\nPAUL REVERE VIRUS - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack- Once, if by LAN; twice if by C. \r\n\r\nPBS VIRUS - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.\r\n\r\nPOKEMAN VIRUS - Sucks up all your money and only renders 3rd rate animation. \r\n\r\nPOLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 1.0 - Never calls itself a \"virus,\" but instead refers to itself as an \"electronic microorganism.\"\r\n\r\nPOLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 2.0 - Rephrases the \"Abort, Retry, Fail\" prompt as \"Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired\". \r\n\r\nPONZI VIRUS - It logs onto your bank's computer and transfers $1 into the accounts of the owners of the last 10 computers it was on. It then attaches itself to the next 10 items of mail you send. \r\n\r\nPOPE JOHN PAUL VIRUS - Deletes all your dirty files and blesses the rest.\r\n\r\nPORNOGRAPHY VIRUS - Consumes all available hard drive space, but leaves the computer's owner with a warm sense of contented well-being. \r\n\r\nPRO-CHOICE VIRUS - Although it presents the standard \"Abort, Retry, Fail\" prompt, it pressures you to choose \"Abort\", telling you the process being terminated is just \"a blob of bits\" which has no value. \r\n\r\nPROZAC VIRUS - Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care. \r\n\r\nPUBLIC TRANSPORTATION VIRUS - Makes your browser stop at every website. \r\n\r\nQUANTUM LEAP VIRUS - One day your PC is a laptop, the next day it is a Macintosh, then a Nintendo. \r\n\r\nRALPH NADER VIRUS - Not harmful per se, but perfectly willing to let your system crash just to \"teach you a lesson.\" \r\n\r\nREGIS PHILBIN VIRUS - Will not complete display of algorithm results until CPU confirms that's its final answer. \r\n\r\nREPUBLICAN VIRUS - Sells off your system resources to the highest bidder. \r\n\r\nRICHARD NIXON VIRUS - Also known as the \"Tricky Dick Virus\", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback. Popular in China.\r\n\r\nRICHARD SIMMONS VIRUS - Deletes FAT table.\r\n\r\nRIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS v 1.0 - Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. Prints, \"Oh, no you don't!\", whenever you choose Abort from the \"Abort, Retry, Fail\" message.\r\n\r\nRIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS v 2.0 - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives. \r\n\r\nRIGHT-WING-HARDLINER VIRUS - Won't allow any changes on your system, but keeps saying that things will get better as soon as it takes over the Whitehouse. \r\n\r\nRODNEY DANGERFIELD VIRUS - Gets no respect. Only allows data do be displayed as one-liners.\r\n\r\nDAVID DUKE VIRUS - Makes your screen go completely white.\r\n\r\nRUSH LIMBAUGH VIRUS v 1.0 - Probably the most dangerous virus we've ever seen. It occupies 50Mb, complains about all the other files, than eats them. It's so stupid you don't take it seriously until it's too late.\r\n\r\nRUSH LIMBOUGH VIRUS v 2.0 - This virus produces an amplified, continuous, babbling sound in Dolby Stereo as it grows to fill all available space on your hard disk. Fortunately, its virulence is low as it has difficulty finding willing code fragments that will support its replication.\r\n\r\nSADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS v 1.0 - This virus, first developed in the software labs of Western democracies, attacks its closest neighbors first and then fragments to hide it's most virulent components in the hidden folders of your disk drive. As a defense mechanism, it claims that commercial virus detection software insults its national dignity.\r\n\r\nSADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS v 2.0 - Won't let you into any of your programs. \r\n\r\nSADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS v 3.0 - spawned other viruses and was believed to create Programs of Mass Destruction (PMD). Some of the spawned viruses are still in existence but are gradually being eradicated by the George W. Bush virus. PMDs spawned by the Saddam Hussein virus, if they exist, have yet to be found because they have the \"hidden\" attribute set. The Saddam Hussein virus wasn't seen for a long time because of the rapid spread of the George Bush virus. At the end of 2003, the George Bush virus found every instance of the Saddam Hussein virus, which was discovered to have mutated into a harmless, ugly graphic hiding in the Trash/Recycle Bin. \r\n\r\nSEARS VIRUS - Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. \r\n\r\nSHARON STONE VIRUS - Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.\r\n\r\nSLACKER VIRUS - Uses 80% of your computer's resources, yet does absolutely nothing. \r\n\r\nSONNY BONO VIRUS - Just when you get to surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.\r\n\r\nSPICE GIRL VIRUS - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.\r\n\r\nSPRINT VIRUS - Periodically runs sound file of a pin dropping. \r\n\r\nSTAR TREK VIRUS - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.\r\n\r\nSYEPHEN KING VIRUS - It wipes a fifth of your hard drive, then tells you that if enough people send in a dollar, it will destroy the rest in some surprising, exciting way. \r\n\r\nSURVIVOR VIRUSES - Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains. \r\n\r\nTECH STOCK VIRUS - At the slightest hint of an error, plays a screaming panic sound and shuts down your computer. \r\n\r\nTED KENNEDY VIRUS - It drives your files into the bitstream, crashes your computer, then denies it ever happened.\r\n\r\nTED TURNER VIRUS - Colorizes your monochrome monitor.\r\n\r\nTEENAGER VIRUS - Your PC stops every few seconds to ask for money.\r\n\r\nTEXAS VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.\r\n\r\nTIGER WOODS VIRUSES - Assumes pre-eminence over other applications, which are left to operate at consistently humiliating performance levels. Beats you in every computer game you play.\r\n\r\nTIM ALLEN VIRUS - Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.\r\n\r\nTIPPER GORE VIRUS - When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children. \r\n\r\nTITANIC VIRUS - Makes your whole computer go down. You get a sinking feeling when your system crashes.\r\n\r\nTOBACCO INDUSTRY VIRUS - It contends that there is no reliable scientific evidence that viruses can harm you computer or that it targets adolescent computer users.\r\n\r\nTONYA HARDING VIRUSES - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. Your \r\nCD-ROM drive randomly ejects in an attempt to bash your knee.\r\n\r\nU.N. VIRUS - Annoying but harmless. Every day, it displays a message saying you must let it inspect your computer's files for viruses, but then it gives you the options \"OK, Cancel, Ignore.\" Even if you click OK, it doesn't do anything. \r\n\r\nVIAGRA VIRUS - Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive. Turns your 3.5\" floppy into a hard drive.\r\n\r\nWARREN BEATTY VIRUS - Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.\r\n\r\nWONDERBRA VIRUS - Results in overflow stack.\r\n\r\nWOODY ALLEN VIRUS - Bypasses the motherboard and corrupts a daughter card.\r\n\r\nX-FILES VIRUS - All your icons start shape-shifting.\r\n\r\n=====================================================\r\n\r\nListed below are some older, lessor known viruses that still pose a threat: \r\n\r\n=================================================================\r\n\r\nALLEN GINSBURG VIRUS - Seemed to come from nowhere. Extremely virulent, yet ineffectual. Attempts to invade all file systems of worldwide media organizations at once. Generates copious, conflicting press reports via an advanced randomly-parsing syntax generator developed by California hackers. Frequently found to have infiltrated expensive Washington restaurants.\r\n\r\nANITA HILL VIRUS - Lies dormant for ten years.\r\n\r\nBARBARA BUSH VIRUS - One of the ugliest viruses we've seen in years, but seems to have a nice disposition and does little damage.\r\n\r\n\r\nBILLY GRAHAM VIRUS - When you save a file, it prints, \"I am saved!\" to the screen. \r\n\r\nCHICAGO CUBS VIRUS - Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it! \r\n\r\nCOLIN POWELL VIRUS - Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would. \r\n\r\nDAN QUAYLE VIRUS v 1.0 - Thers sumthin rong wit yur kompueter, butt ewe jsut cant figyour out watt.\r\n\r\nDAN QUAYLE VIRUS v 2.0 - Forces your computer to play \"PGA TOUR\" from 10-00am to 4-00pm six days a week.\r\n\r\nGEORGE BUSH (Sr.) VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, 'Read my docs....No new files!' on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.\r\n\r\nGRAY DAVIS VIRUS - caused computer programs throughout California to require more computer resources (memory, hard disk space, network bandwidth, etc.) than were available, even though the state's computer resources had increased significantly. The result was monumental havoc and a great outcry by the populace. The Gray Davis virus has not been seen since the appearance of the Arnold Schwarzenegger virus. \r\n\r\nHANS BLIX VIRUS - is a derivative of the U.N. virus. It tells you it's going to inspect your computer for viruses, but then it just creates all sorts of text files filled with bureaucratic drivel, all the while displaying messages saying it needs more time. It never finds any viruses. The quickest cure for this virus is the George Bush virus. \r\n\r\nIMELDA MARCOS VIRUS v 1.0 - Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through AOL.\r\n\r\nIMELDA MARCOS VIRUS v 2.0 - After depleting your bank account, returns to infect you again! Little footprints appear all over your screen, blocking out information. Unlimited shoe styles.\r\n\r\nJIMMY SWAGGERT VIRUS - When caught, it begs for your forgiveness and to be released.\r\n\r\nJOEY BUTTAFUACO VIRUS - It only enters minor files.\r\n\r\nKITTY KELLEY VIRUS - A particularly nasty infection. It locates your personal files, activates your modem and spreads the dirt around to all the BBS's you usually call. Embarrassing.\r\n\r\nLEONA HELMSLEY VIRUS - Deletes files smaller than it is.\r\nMarcia Clark Virus - Asks for more time every time you give a command. \r\n\r\nLORENA BOBBITT VIRUS - It turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.\r\n\r\nLORENA BOBBITT VIRUS #2 - Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.\r\n\r\n\r\nOLLIE NORTH VIRUS v 1.0 - Causes your printer to become a paper shredder. \r\n\r\nOLLIE NORTH VIRUS v 2.0 - Plays patriotic audio clips while it shreds your files.\r\n\r\nORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.\r\n\r\nRODNEY KING VIRUS - Just sits there, but when it is detected you'd swear the virus scanner was demolishing your entire system.\r\n\r\nRONALD REAGAN VIRUS v 1.0- It puts your hard drive to sleep. If detected, it claims it doesn't remember being there.\r\n\r\nRONALD REAGAN VIRUS v 2.0 - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored. \r\n\r\nROSANNE BARR VIRUS - Plays the National Anthem at boot-up. Even worse with a sound card.\r\n\r\nROSS PEROT VIRUS v 1.0 - Runs for awhile, leaves the system, then re-appears, but with less effect. \r\n\r\nROSS PEROT VIRUS v 2.0 - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. \r\n\r\nROSS PEROT VIRUS v 3.0 - After several years, the damage caused by this little virus is still unclear. It often displays impressive graphics which have little relevance to the users interests or needs.\r\n\r\nSUPREME COURT VIRUS - It allows your system to abort files, with major\r\nrestrictions.\r\n\r\nTHE PRISON VIRUS - It locks up your system. \r\n\r\nTIP O'NEIL VIRUS - It sits in the background, consuming bytes until it's too\r\nfat to exit. \r\n\r\nTOM DASCHLE VIRUS - blocks your computer from doing anything right. \r\n\r\nUDAY (aka ODAI) and QUSAY (aka QUSAI) VIRUSES - Were mutations of the Saddam Hussein virus. Both of these viruses destroyed files, but the Uday virus also displayed pornographic images. Both of these viruses were completely eliminated by the spread of the George W. Bush virus. \r\n\r\nWARREN COMMISSION VIRUS - Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.\r\n\r\nWATERGATE VIRUS - Erases 18 minutes off your tape backup.\r\n\r\nWILLIAM KENNEDY SMITH VIRUS - It strips your files, manipulates your data\r\nand denies anything ever happened; and gets away with it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6201,
"title": "Computer Viruses"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nA: None. They merely change the standard to darkness and upgrade the customers.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 6205,
"title": "Thats a Compromise!"
},
{
"body": "A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer. \"What a terrible voice!\" he said. \"Do you know who she is?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" was the answer. \"She is my wife.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, I beg your pardon.\" The man said, \"Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song.\"\r\n\r\n\"I did.\" was the answer.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6207,
"title": "Coincidence"
},
{
"body": "I studied and studied and came up with a conclusion\r\n\r\n\r\n1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAMAZING CONCLUSION: \r\n\r\n\r\nThe higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 6209,
"title": "Conclusions"
},
{
"body": "Why did the book have to go to the hospital?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Because it injured its spine.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 6210,
"title": "Book in the Hospital"
},
{
"body": "One afternoon a blonde walked into a small store. The store was having a special on CD players. She walked up to a CD player, then picked it up, and proceeded to the front counter, where she asked two employees what the price was.\r\n\r\nThe two men looked at each other, and one of them said to the other in an audible whisper, \"Don't worry, she's a stupid and dumb blonde. Let's raise the price!\" The blonde COULD hear this, but said nothing. The other man nodded to his fellow employee, and said, \"Okay, ma'am, the price is $75.00.\"\r\n\r\nAmazingly, the blonde agreed, and paid the money, then got her CD player.\r\n\r\n*****************************************\r\n\r\nA couple hours later, the blonde comes in again. The same two men are there. Thinking that she had gotten a good deal on the CD player, she wanted to know if she could get any more good deals.\r\n\r\nShe was just about to ask the two men if there were any other specials when she started blinking her eyes as if she had been offended. One of the employees asked her, \"Is there something wrong?\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde answered, \"Hey! You don't talk to me! I AM NOT dumb, and I AM NOT stupid. HOW could you insult me like that?\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde stormed out of the store.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6212,
"title": "Hey, Wait A Sec!!!"
},
{
"body": "Eminem/ M & M:\r\n\r\nI don't like the rapper, but I like the candy inside the wrapper.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6213,
"title": "Eminem/ M & M"
},
{
"body": "1. You know you're a redneck when you go out with your girlfriend and you don't realize she has her other boyfriend with her.\r\n\r\n2. You know you're a redneck when you use a barstool as a walker.\r\n\r\n3. You know you're a redneck when your mowing your lawn and you find a car.\r\n\r\n4. You know you're a redneck when you fall asleep with one hand down your pants and a beer in the other hand.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 6214,
"title": "You Know You're a Redneck"
},
{
"body": "This little boy asked his mother one day why his father had no hair.\r\nHis mother replied, \"Well dear, that's because he thinks alot.\"\r\nHaving prided herself with coming up with such a wonderful answer she heard her son say,\r\n\"Gee mommy I'm sure glad you don't think 'cause you'd look funny with no hair!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6218,
"title": "HAIR"
},
{
"body": "You know you're a redneck when your brand new tv is sitting on your old ones.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6221,
"title": "Television"
},
{
"body": "It was spring in the old west.\r\nThe cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails, looking for cattle that survived the winter.\r\n\r\nAs one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared, and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.\r\n\r\n\"Hold on there, partner,\" said the snake, \"don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want.\"\r\n\r\nThe cowboy decided to take a chance; he knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, \"OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding.\"\r\n\r\nThe rattlesnake said, \"All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes.\"\r\n\r\nThe cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.\r\n\r\nStaring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.\r\n\r\nHe ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...\r\n\r\n\"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6222,
"title": "Enchanted Rattlesnake"
},
{
"body": "Cards That You Won't Find At Hallmark -\r\n\r\n\"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?\"\r\n\r\n\"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.\"\r\n\r\n\"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?\"\r\n\r\n\"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.\"\r\n\r\n\"I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.\"\r\n\r\n\"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.\"\r\n\r\n\"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy. . .\"\r\n\r\n\"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!\"\r\n\r\n\"Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.\"\r\n\r\n\"Someday I hope to get married; but not to you.\"\r\n\r\n\"You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!\"\r\n\r\n\"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.\"\r\n\r\n\"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.\"\r\n\r\n\"We have been friends for a very long time. What do you say we call it quits?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm so miserable without you - it's almost like you're here.\"\r\n\r\n\"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.............. Did you ever find out who the father is?\"\r\n\r\n\"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.\"\r\n\r\n\"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday --------- So we're having you put to sleep.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6223,
"title": "Cards That You Won't Find At Hallmark"
},
{
"body": "It's only funny until someone gets hurt... \r\n\r\nThen it's hilarious!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6227,
"title": "It's Only Funny..."
},
{
"body": "A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch.\r\n\r\nWhen he landed at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree, and with a sigh started to climb.\r\n\r\nAbout an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing. \r\n\r\nWatching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mommy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, \"Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6229,
"title": "Baby Turtle"
},
{
"body": "A priest and a minister were going on vacation (seperately) when their flight got postponed. They meet each other and deside to go across the street to a bar until their flight. Little did they know, it was a gay bar. When a man started hitting on the priest he grew fruious and the gay man stalked off. A little while later a big, buff man walks over to the priest and says\r\n\"Why the Hell did you start screaming at my boyfriend for no reason?\"\r\nThe minister, seeing that the priest was at a loss of words, takes the big man out of earshot of the priest and talks to him. \r\nAfter he comes back without the big man, the priest asks him,\r\n\"What did you say to him?\"\r\nThe minister calmly repies\r\n\"I told him that we were on our way to our honeymoon and our flight got posponed.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 6232,
"title": "Airport"
},
{
"body": "A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.\r\n\r\nThere he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.\r\n\r\nThe Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, \"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.\"\r\n\r\nThen they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, \"We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.\"\r\n\r\nThe conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a mob of kangaroos hopping through the field.\r\n\r\nHe asks, \"And what are those?\"\r\n\r\nThe Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look,\r\n\"What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6233,
"title": "You Wanna Brag?"
},
{
"body": "A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.\r\n\"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.\"\r\n\r\nPsychiatrist: \"Don't you have a phone in your car?\"\r\nBlonde: \"That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.\"\r\n\r\nPsychiatrist: \"Uh ... How's that working?\"\r\nBlonde: \"Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet.\"\r\n\r\nPsychiatrist: \"And why do you think that is?\"\r\nBlonde: \"I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6241,
"title": "Zip Code"
},
{
"body": "yo mammas breath so nasty that when she burps her teeth have to duck",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6242,
"title": "Breath"
},
{
"body": "The master, to impress on his pupils the need of thinking before speaking, told them to count to fifty before saying anything important, and to one hundred if it was very important. The next day he was speaking, standing with his back to the fire, when he noticed several lips moving rapidly. Suddenly the whole class shouted: \"Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, a hundred. Your coat is on fire, sir!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6246,
"title": "Your Coat is on Fire"
},
{
"body": "I went into your house, took a booger off the wall and yo mamma told me not to touch the family portrait.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6248,
"title": "Portrait So Ugly"
},
{
"body": "Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6250,
"title": "Sleeping"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama's so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, \"Damn! Is it Halloween already?\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6251,
"title": "Halloween"
},
{
"body": "This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.\r\n\r\nHe says to the clerk, \"I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle.\"\r\n\r\n\"OK,\" says the clerk. \"What do you call it?\"\r\n\"A fottle,\" replies the inventor.\r\n\r\n\"A fottle? That's stupid! Can't you think of something else?\"\r\n\r\n\"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton.\"\r\n\r\n\"And what do you call that?\" asks the clerk.\r\n\r\n\"A farton\", replies the inventor.\r\n\r\n\"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!\"\r\n\r\n\"In that case,\" says the inventor...\r\n\"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6253,
"title": "Idiot!!!"
},
{
"body": "If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish. It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!\r\n\r\nOverview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:\r\n\r\nJust after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. \"He's just lying there looking sick,\" he told me, \"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?\"\r\n\r\nI put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)\r\n\r\n\"Honey,\" I called, \"come look at the hamster!\" \"Oh, my gosh,\" my wife diagnosed after a minute. \"She's having babies.\" \"What?\" my son demanded.\r\n\r\n\"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!\"\r\n\r\nI was equally outraged. \"Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!\" I accused my wife. \"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!\" she inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)\r\n\r\n\"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!\" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). \"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!\" my son agreed. \"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know,\" she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)\r\n\r\nBy now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. \"Kids, this is going to be a wonderous experience,\" I announced. \"We're about to witness the miracle of birth.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, gross!\" they shrieked.\r\n\r\n\"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?\" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?)\r\n\r\nWe peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. \"We don't appear to be making much progress,\" I noted.\r\n\r\n\"It's breech,\" my wife whispered, horrified. \"Do something, Dad!\" my son urged. \"Okay, okay.\" Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.\r\n\r\n\"Should I call 911?\" my eldest daughter wanted to know, \"maybe they could talk us through the trauma.\" (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)\r\n\r\n\"Let's get Ernie to the vet,\" I said grimly.\r\n\r\nWe drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. \"Breathe, Ernie, breathe,\" he urged.\r\n\r\n\"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze,\" his mother noted. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)\r\n\r\nThe vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. \"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?\" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, very interesting,\" he murmured. \"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?\" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.\r\n\r\n\"Is Ernie going to be okay?\" My wife asked. \"Oh, perfectly,\" the vet assured us.\r\n\r\n\"This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen, because Ernie is a boy.\"\r\n\r\n\"What?\"\r\n\r\n\"You see, Ernie is a young male, and occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... er ... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back.\" He blushed, glancing at my wife. \"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron.\"\r\n\r\nWe were silent, absorbing this.\r\n\r\n\"So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?\"! my wife offered.\r\n\r\n\"Exactly,\" the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!\r\n\r\n\"What's so funny?\" I demanded, knowing, but not believing, that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.\r\n\r\n\"It's just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its teeny little ...\" she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.\r\n\r\n\"That's enough,\" I warned.\r\n\r\nWe thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.\r\n\r\n\"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad,\" he told me.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, you have NO idea,\" my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.\r\n\r\nEnough said.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6254,
"title": "Ernie the Hamster"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.\r\n\r\nHowever, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.\r\n\r\nA cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.\r\nThe cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.\r\n\r\nThe moral of the story:\r\n\r\n1.) Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.\r\n\r\n2.) Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend.\r\n\r\n3.) And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6258,
"title": "The Unhappy Sparrow"
},
{
"body": "What did the clock say to the wristwatch?\r\n\r\n\"I enjoyed tocking with you, but now you're starting to tick me off.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6259,
"title": "Talking With Time"
},
{
"body": "Vegetable: \"Hey, lets get married.\"\r\nFruit: \"I'm sorry.\"\r\nVegetable: \"We could secretly get married.\"\r\nFruit: \"No, we couldn't.\"\r\nVegetable: \"Why?\"\r\nFruit: \"Because we can't elope.\"\r\n\r\nCan't elope = cantelope",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6260,
"title": "The Fruit and Vegetable"
},
{
"body": "Do you know what style of shoes a frog loves most?\r\n\r\nOpen toad!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6261,
"title": "Frogs?"
},
{
"body": "Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6265,
"title": "Two Peanuts"
},
{
"body": "Little Jimmy, Little Billy, and Jimmy's father were at an Art Museum. Little Jimmy was looking at a picture of someone in a carriage being pulled by a horse.\r\n\r\nLittle Jimmy brought his father over to look at the picture, and he asked his father, \"Daddy, what is this?\"\r\n\r\nHis dad replied, \"Why, that is a horse-drawn carriage!\"\r\n\r\nLittle Jimmy excitedly ran over to Little Billy, brought him back to the picture, and said, \"Billy, a horse drew this picture!!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6266,
"title": "The Horse-Drawn Carriage"
},
{
"body": "THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM\r\n\r\nFor all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is:\r\n\r\nIn the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects -sorry, that's the way the game is played.\r\nHere is a guide to the point system:\r\n\r\nSIMPLE DUTIES\r\n\r\nYou make the bed...+1 \r\nYou make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0 \r\nYou throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1 \r\nYou go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty\r\nliners with wings...+5 But return with beer ...-5\r\n\r\nYou check out a suspicious noise at night ...0 \r\nYou check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0 \r\nYou check out a suspicious noise and it's something....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 \r\nIt's her father...-10\r\n\r\nYou leave the toilet seat up...-5 \r\nYou replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 \r\nWhen the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 \r\nWhen the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2\r\n\r\nSOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS \r\n\r\nYou stay by her side the entire party...0 \r\nYou stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2 \r\nNamed Tiffany...-4 \r\nTiffany is a dancer...-6 \r\nTiffany has implants...-8\r\n\r\nHER BIRTHDAY\r\n\r\nYou take her out to dinner...0 \r\nYou take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2 \r\nAnd it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 \r\nIt's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10\r\n\r\nTHOUGHTFULNESS \r\n\r\nYou forget her birthday completely...-20 \r\nYou forget your anniversary...-30\r\nYou forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45 \r\nWhich is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 \r\nAnd the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60\r\n\r\nA NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS\r\n\r\nGo out with a pal ...-5 \r\nAnd the pal is happily married ...-4 \r\nOr frighteningly single ...-7 \r\nAnd he drives a Mustang...-10 \r\nWith a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15\r\n\r\nYou have a few beers...-9 \r\nAnd miss curfew by an hour...-12 \r\nYou miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 \r\nYou get home at 3 am...-30 \r\nYou get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars\r\n...-40 \r\nAnd not wearing any pants...-50 \r\nIs that a tattoo??...-200\r\n\r\nHER NIGHT OUT \r\n\r\nYou stay home while she goes out with her annoying\r\nfriends from work...+5 \r\nShe goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late...+10 \r\nYou wait up...+15 \r\nShe goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20\r\n\r\nA NIGHT OUT\r\n\r\nYou take her to a movie...+2 \r\nYou take her to a movie she likes...+4 \r\nYou take her to a movie you hate...+6 \r\nYou take her to a movie you like...-2 \r\nIt's called DeathCop 3...-3 \r\nWhich features cyborgs having sex...-9 \r\nYou lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15\r\n\r\nFLOWERS \r\n\r\nYou buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 \r\nYou buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it...+20 \r\nYou give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30 \r\nAnd she contracts Lyme disease...-25\r\n\r\nYOUR PHYSIQUE\r\n\r\nYou develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 \r\nYou develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10\r\nYou develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30 \r\nYou say, \"I don't give a damn because you have one\r\ntoo\"....-800\r\n\r\nFINANCES \r\n\r\nYou spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5 Something she can't use...-10 \r\nSuch as a motorized model airplane...-20 \r\nAnd you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40\r\n\r\nDRIVING\r\n\r\nYou let her tell you how to drive...+20 \r\nYou let her mother tell you how to drive...+40 \r\nYou lost the directions on a trip...-4\r\nYou lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 \r\nYou end up getting lost because you followed her directions...+10 \r\nYou end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15 \r\nYou get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal... -25 \r\nYou know them...-60\r\n\r\nTHE BIG QUESTION\r\n\r\nShe asks, \"Do I look fat?\"...-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) \r\nYou hesitate in responding...-10 \r\nYou reply, \"Where?\"...-35\r\n\r\nCOMMUNICATION\r\n\r\nWhen she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 \r\nWhen she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes....+5 \r\nYou listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 \r\nShe realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6281,
"title": "The Man's Point System"
},
{
"body": "A blonde's son was playing catch with his friend. The blonde was working in the yard, planting flowers and such. Her son was throwing the baseball back and forth with his friend when he suddenly smiled.\r\n\r\nHe threw the baseball straight at his blonde mom, and yelled, \"Think Fast!!!\" so the blonde said silently to herself, \"Fast, fast, fast, fast...\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde got herself hit right plop in the head.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6283,
"title": "Think Fast!"
},
{
"body": "Your Momma's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles people SLOW DOWN!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6286,
"title": "Teeth"
},
{
"body": "Don't drink and drive, you'll spill your beer.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6288,
"title": "Drink and Drive"
},
{
"body": "Women are like beer. They look good, smell good, taste good, and feel good. But after a while you gotta have another beer!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6289,
"title": "Beer"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so stupid, she got stabbed in a \r\nshoot-out.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6296,
"title": "Shoot-out"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so poor, she wore her McDonalds uniform to church.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6299,
"title": "To Church"
},
{
"body": "The Poop Name List\r\n__________________________________________________\r\n\r\n \r\nThe Perfect Dump-\r\nEvery once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.\r\n\r\nThe Beer Dump-\r\nTalk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.\r\n\r\nThe Chili Dump-\r\nHot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.\r\n\r\nThe Cable Dump- \r\nLong, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, \"DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?\" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.\r\n\r\nThe Latrine Dump-\r\nIn case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.\r\n\r\nThe Mona Lisa Dump-\r\nThis is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.\r\n\r\nThe Empty Roll Dump- \r\nYou're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say \"Where are the curtains?\" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every \"empty roll dumper\" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.\r\n\r\nThe Splash Back Dump-\r\nYou send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.\r\nTip: Blot instead of wiping.\r\n\r\nThe Aborted Dump- \r\nYou are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.\r\n\r\nThe Caesarian Dump- \r\nPain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.\r\n\r\nThe Alfresco Dump- \r\nEveryone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy.\r\n\r\nThe Childbirth Dump- \r\nThis is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming \"Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf\". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:\r\n\r\n1. Scream \r\n2. Call an Obstetrician \r\n3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.\r\n\r\nThe Tijuana Trot Dump- \r\nThe phrase \"Sh*t Happens\" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.\r\n\r\nThe Machine Gun Dump- \r\nYou're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.\r\n\r\nThe Sound Effect Dump- \r\nYou feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: \r\n\r\n1. Flush the toilet \r\n2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem \r\n3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor \r\n\r\nThe Security Dump-\r\nYou have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly\r\n\r\nThe Cling-On Dump- \r\nFor the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors\r\n\r\nThe Houdini Dump- \r\nYou go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in\r\n\r\nThe Flu Dump- \r\nYou feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?\r\n\r\nThe Porta-Pottie Dump-\r\nConstruction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, \"Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin\". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup.\r\n\r\nThe Proctologist Dump- \r\nIn the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it?? \r\n\r\nThe Whole Roll Dump- \r\nNo matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.\r\n\r\nThe Graffiti Dump- \r\nYou flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.\r\n\r\nThe Encore Dump- \r\nAhhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.\r\n\r\nThe Born Again Dump- \r\nThis is a dump that's going so badly, you say \"Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion\" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 6303,
"title": "The Poop Name List"
},
{
"body": "What kind of monkey eats chips?\r\n\r\nA chipmunk!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6308,
"title": "Silly Monkey"
},
{
"body": "This is a list of the worst names to have\r\n\r\n\r\nDick Hurtz\r\n\r\nHary Paratesticles\r\n\r\nMike Hunt\r\n\r\nMike Rotch\r\n\r\nAnitta Manwhore\r\n\r\nAnitta Johnson\r\n\r\nFuk Yao\r\n\r\nIke Anblow\r\n\r\nPeter Pecker\r\n\r\nI.C. Weiner\r\n\r\nI.P. Freely\r\n\r\nSeimore Butts\r\n\r\nBo Oobless\r\n\r\nDick Less\r\n\r\nIssac Less\r\n\r\nTits McGee (ok, that was off Anchorman)\r\n\r\nIma Hornibusterd\r\n\r\nIma Uglibech\r\n\r\nIma Dick",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6312,
"title": "The Worst Names to Have"
},
{
"body": "Funny Book Titles\r\n=========================\r\n\r\n40 Yards to the Latrine by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont\r\n50 years in the saddle by Major Asburn\r\nA Bestiary of Plant Eaters: Herb Avore \r\nA Boxing Cornerman's Story: Dawson DeTowel \r\nA Great Plenty by E. Nuff\r\nA Stitch in Time by Justin Case\r\nA Stuntman To The End: Kenny Doitt \r\nA Trip to the Dentist by Yin Pain\r\nA Whole Lot of Cats by Kitt N. Caboodle\r\nAcrophobia Explained: Alfredo Heights \r\nAdvanced Maths by Smart E. Pants\r\nAfter The Corned Beef And Cabbage: Kay O'Pectate \r\nAh, Thor!: Ty Till \r\nAll Alone: Saul E. Terry \r\nAllegiance To The King: Neil Downe \r\nAlmost Missed the Bus by Justin Time\r\nAmbulance Driving: Adam Muhway \r\nAmbush! by May T. Surprise\r\nAnd Shut Up! by Sid Downe\r\nAnd the Other People by Allan Sundry\r\nAnimal Illnesses by Ann Thrax\r\nAnimal Scents: Farrah Mones \r\nApril Fool! by Sue Prize\r\nArchery: Beau N. Arrow \r\nArmed Heists by Robin Banks\r\nArtificial Clothing by Polly Ester\r\nArtificial Weightlessness by Andy Gravity\r\nAs Solid as...: Rocco Gibraltar \r\nAssault with Battery by Eva Ready\r\nAt The Bottom Of The Can: Hazel Nutt \r\nAthletic Supporter: Jacques Strap \r\nBack Row Of The Orchestra: Clara Nett \r\nBad Cow Jokes: Terry Bull \r\nBad Falls by Eileen Dover\r\nBad Gardeners: Wilt Plant \r\nBad Investment: Les Riches \r\nBanquet at McDonalds: Tommy Ayk \r\nBaseball Tales by Homer\r\nBattle Axes: Tom A. Hawk \r\nBig Fart! by Hugh Jass\r\nBlonde Hair by Bim Bow\r\nBlowout!: Vlad Tire \r\nBody Parts by Anne Atomy\r\nBoring Midwestern Cities: Cole Lumbus \r\nBoy Scout's Handbook: Casey Needzit \r\nBrane Surjery Maid Simpel: Sarah Bellum \r\nBreaking the Law by Kermit A. Krime\r\nBring to the Grocer's by R. List\r\nBubbles in the Bathtub by Ivor Windybottom\r\nCab Calloway's Garden: Heidi Ho \r\nCandle-Vaulting by Jack B. Nimble\r\nCar Capital Of The World: Mitch Egan \r\nCar Repairs: Axel Grease \r\nCare For A Chop?: Marsha Larts \r\nCarpet Fitting: Walter Wall \r\nCaulking Made Easy by Phil McKrevis\r\nChauvinistic Men by A. Lone\r\nCheaper than IBM: P.C. Clone \r\nCheating on His Wife: Izzy Backyet \r\nChest Pain by I. Coffalot\r\nChicago Gangs Of The '30's: Tommy Gunn \r\nChicken Dishes by Nora Drumsticks.\r\nChildren's Songbook: Skip Tumalu \r\nChinese Apathy: Hu Cares \r\nCircle Perimiter: Sir Cumference \r\nClassic Groceries: Chopin Liszt \r\nCloning by Irma Dubble II\r\nClothes for Germ Kings by Mike Robes\r\nCollege Athletics: Nancy Dubblelay \r\nColumbus, Vespucci, And Me: Enzo DiUrth \r\nCome on in! by Doris Open\r\nComputer Memories: Meg Abight \r\nConfessions Of A Gold Digger: Emile Ticket \r\nCooking Spaghetti by Al Dente\r\nCosmetology: Rosie Cheeks \r\nCovered Walkways by R. Kade\r\nCrackdown: Lauren Order \r\nCrocodile Dundee by Ali Gator\r\nCry Wolf by Al Armist\r\nCut the Grass!: Moses Lawn \r\nDaddy are We There Yet? by Miles Away\r\nDanger! by Luke Out\r\nDangerous Animals by Mann Eaters\r\nDecorating your Mousehole: Minnie Blinds \r\nDefunct Nations: Sophie Etunion \r\nDesert Crossing by I. Rhoda Camel\r\nDo It Yourself: Tyrone Shoelaces \r\nDon't Do Anything Rash: Jacques Itch \r\nDon't Tread On Me: Amanda B. Reckonwith \r\nDownpour! by Wayne Dwops\r\nDrafted!: Abel Boddeed \r\nDrinking Problems by Al Coholic\r\nDull Razor: Nick Shaving \r\nEast Coast Resorts: Nan Tuckett \r\nEast Coast Universities: Cora Nell \r\nEating Disorders: Anna Rexia \r\nEcclesiastical Infractions by Cardinal Sin\r\nEmployment Handbook: Ernie Living \r\nEn Garde!: Drew Blood \r\nEquine Leg Cramps by Charlie Horse\r\nErotic Adventures by Oliver Klozoff.\r\nErrors and Accidents by Miss Takes and Miss Haps\r\nEvents In The Soviet Union: Perry Stroika \r\nExercise on Wheels by Cy Kling\r\nExotic Irish Plants by Phil O'Dendron\r\nExplaining it Better: Clara Fie \r\nExploring The Dutch Frontier: Will Der Ness \r\nEx-Presidential Retreat: Kenny Bunkport \r\nFallen Underwear by Lucy Lastic\r\nFalling Trees by Tim Burr\r\nFastest Gun In The West: Everett DeReady \r\nFat Lady In The Sideshow: Ellie Funt \r\nFeelings: Cara Lott \r\nFinancial Insecurity: Wilma Moneylast \r\nFingerplay: Jacob Sladder \r\nFish Story: Rod Enreel \r\nFixing Computer Programs: Dee Bugger \r\nFlips and Tumbles: Jim Nastics \r\nFlogging in the Army by Corporal Punishment\r\nFoot Coverings: Susan Socks \r\nFoot Problems of Big Lumberjacks by Paul Bunion\r\nFortune Telling: Crystal Ball \r\nFred Can Philosophize!: Immanuel Kant \r\nFree Willy by Freda Wale\r\nFrench Cars: Myra Neault \r\nFrench Overpopulation by Francis Crowded\r\nFull Moon by Seymour Buns\r\nGambling by Monty Carlos\r\nGangway!: Hedda Steam \r\nGardening With The Ex-President: Rose Bush \r\nGeez, It's Hot!: Mike Hammeldyed \r\nGenie in a Bottle: Grant Wishes \r\nGet Moving! by Sheik Aleg\r\nGet Out There! by Sally Forth\r\nGirl On a Budget: Penny Pincher \r\nGlass Bikini by Seymore Skynn\r\nGo Away!: Ron Onhome \r\nGolly Gosh! by G. Whiz\r\nGone Fishing: Rod Annette \r\nGone With The Wind: George Uh \r\nGood Housekeeping by Lottie Dust\r\nGood Steak!: T. Bone \r\nGood Works by Ben Evolent\r\nGrave Mistakes by Paul Bearer\r\nGreat Tennis Matches: Davis Skupp \r\nGreek Unbeliever!: Hera Tick \r\nGreen Lawn Chairs: Patty O'Furniture \r\nGreen Spot on the Wall by Picken & Flicken\r\nGreeting Sheep Strangers: Hugh R. Ewe \r\nGuarding the Door: Sergeant Atarms \r\nGuide To Mixology: Bart Ender \r\nHandel's Messiah by Ollie Luyah\r\nHappy New Year! by Mary Christmas\r\nHe Disappeared! by Otto Sight\r\nHead of Security: Barb Dwyer \r\nHeld Hostage by Italian Terrorists!: Aldo Anything \r\nHere's Puss In Your Eye: Lance Boyle \r\nHertz, Don't It?: Lisa Carr \r\nHe's Contagious! by Lucas Measles\r\nHide and Seek by I.C. You\r\nHighway Travel by Dusty Rhodes\r\nHiya Fella: Gladys Eeya \r\nHole in the Bed by Mister Completely\r\nHoliday Spots by Sandie Beaches\r\nHollywood Gossip: Phyllis Zinn \r\nHolmes Does it Again by Scott Linyard\r\nHome Alone IV by Annie Buddyhome\r\nHome of the Liberty Bell: Phil A. Delphia \r\nHot Dog! by Frank Furter\r\nHouse Construction by Bill Jerome Holme\r\nHouse Plants: Clay Potts \r\nHousework: Dustin Cook \r\nHow I Won The Marathon: Randy Hoelway \r\nHow to Annoy by Aunt Agonize\r\nHow To Beat A Murder Rap: Scott Free \r\nHow to Break In: Jimmy De Lock \r\nHow to Cook a Steak: Porter House \r\nHow to Cut Grass: Lon Moore \r\nHow to Draw: Ellis Strait \r\nHow to Get Rid of Unwanted Guests by Bea O'Problem\r\nHow To Make Cornmeal Pancakes: Johnny Cake \r\nHow to Make Honey: B.A. Beaman \r\nHow to Overcome Stress: R.E. Lachs \r\nHow To Prevent Leaks: Titus A. Drum \r\nHow to Read a Book: Paige Turner \r\nHow to Succeed in School: Rita Book \r\nHow to Tour the Prison by Robin Steele\r\nHow To Tune Up Your Auto: Carl Humm \r\nHunger In America: Heywood Jafeedme \r\nHypnotism by N. Tranced\r\nI Beat Bobby Fischer: Jess Player \r\nI Can Fix It: Jerry Rigg \r\nI Can't See The Difference: Sam Ting \r\nI Didn't Do It! by Ivan Alibi\r\nI Hate Monday Mornings by Gaetan Oop\r\nI Hate the Sun by Gladys Knight\r\nI Hit the Wall by Isadore There\r\nI Like Fish by Ann Chovie\r\nI Like Liquor by Ethyl Alcohol\r\nI Like Weeding Gardens by Manuel Labour\r\nI Lived in Detroit by Helen Earth\r\nI Lost My Balance by Eileen Dover and Paul Down\r\nI Love Bullfighting: Matt Adore \r\nI Love Crowds by Morris Merrier\r\nI Love Fractions by Lois C. Denominator\r\nI Love Mathematics by Adam Up\r\nI Love Wills by Benny Fishery\r\nI Love You!: Alma Hart \r\nI Must Fix the Car! by Otto Doit\r\nI Need Insurance by Justin Case\r\nI Read You Like A Book: Claire Voyant \r\nI Say So! by Frank O. Pinion\r\nI Want to Help: Abel N. Willin \r\nI Was A Cloakroom Attendant by Mahatma Coate\r\nI Was A Son Of A Buccaneer: Rich Kidd \r\nI Work with Diamonds by Jules Sparkle\r\nI Wuz Framed!: Gil Tee \r\nI Wuz Robbed!: Alma Money \r\nIf I Invited Him... by Woody Kum\r\nIf Tomorrow Never Comes by Stew Layt \r\nI'm an Atheist: Noel Noheaven \r\nI'm Fine by Howard Yu\r\nI'm Gods Gift to Women by P. Rick\r\nI'm Scared!: Emma Fraid \r\nI'm Someone Else by Ima Nonymous\r\nImitating Mozart: Sam Phony \r\nIn Farmer MacGregor's Garden: Peter Abbott \r\nIn the Arctic Ocean by Isa Berg\r\nIn The Trenches: Helmut Wearer \r\nIndian/Italian Cuisine: Ravi Oley \r\nIndiana Jones' Adventures: Darrin Rescue \r\nInflammation, Please by Arthur Itis\r\nInterior Decorating: Curt Enrod \r\nIrish Dentistry: Perry O'Dontal \r\nIrish First Aid: R.U. O'Kaye \r\nIrish Flooring by Lynn O'Leum\r\nIs O. J. Guilty? by Howard I. Know\r\nIt Won't Work!: Mel Function \r\nItalian Cooking: Mac Aroni \r\nItalian Delicacies: Liz Onya \r\nIt's a Holdup! by Nick R. Elastic\r\nIt's a Shocker by Alec Tricity\r\nIt's All In Your Head: Madge Ination \r\nIt's Magic! by Sven Gali\r\nIt's Springtime! by Theresa Green\r\nIt's Unfair! by Y. Me\r\nJewish Holidays: Hannah Kuhh \r\nJewish Mysticism: Lev Itation \r\nJoe Wins at a Track Meet: C. Howie Runns \r\nJudging Fast Food by Hamilton Berger\r\nJust Say No: Will Power \r\nKangaroo Illnesses by Marcus Wallaby, M.D.\r\nKeep 'Em That Way: Private Parts \r\nKeep it Clean! by Armand Hammer\r\nKeep Out!: Barb Dwyer \r\nKeeping Old Furniture Looking Good: Ann Teak \r\nKindergarten Kop II: Bea Hayve \r\nLaid Off!: Gwen Home \r\nLand Ahoy by I.C. Fields \r\nLaughing In The White House: Polly Tickle \r\nLawn Care: Ray King \r\nLawyers of Suffering by Grin and Barrett\r\nLazy Employees: Hans Doolittle \r\nLeo Tolstoy by Warren Peace\r\nLet's Do it Now! by Igor Beaver\r\nLewis Carroll by Alison Wonderland\r\nLife As A Comic: Stan Dupp \r\nLife Before Cars: Orson Buggy \r\nLife in Chicago by Wendy City\r\nLife In The Sorority House: Carrie Onn \r\nLife Six Feet Under: Doug Graves \r\nLittle Bitty Froggies: Tad Pole \r\nLong Walk: Miss D. Bus \r\nLong Way Down: Rip Cord Broke \r\nLook Younger by Fay Slift\r\nLos Angeles Pachyderms by L.A. Funt\r\nLots of Excitement by Hugh N. Cry\r\nLotsa Luck: Bess Twishes \r\nMaking Explosives: Stan Wellback \r\nMany Are Cold, But Few Are Frozen: Minnie Sota \r\nMardi Gras Time: Lou Isiana \r\nMaritime Disasters by Andrea Doria\r\nMaritime Rules: Paula See \r\nMay Flowers by April Showers\r\nMeals On Safari: Lionel Eecha \r\nMeat Eaters: Carney Vore \r\nMensa Man by Gene Yuss\r\nMexican Revenge by Monty Zuma\r\nMexican/Italian Food: Pepe Roney \r\nMilitary Defeats by Major Disaster and General Mayhem\r\nMilitary Fast: Colonel O'Corn \r\nMilitary Rule by Marshall Law\r\nMineralogy for Giants by Chris Tall\r\nMisunderstood: Art Tistic \r\nMobile Homes: Winnie Bago \r\nModern Giants by Hugh Mungous\r\nModern Tree Watches by Anna Log\r\nMoney Management: Owen Cash \r\nMonkey Shines by Bob Boone\r\nMoon Phases by Seymour Butts\r\nMore for Your Money by Max Amize\r\nMosquito Bites by Ivan Itch\r\nMountain Climbing by Andover Hand\r\nMusical Gunfighters by The Okay Chorale\r\nMy Career As A Clown: Abe Ozo \r\nMy Life in the Gutter by Yves Trough\r\nMy Life With Annette: Amos Kateer \r\nMy Lost Causes by Noah Veil\r\nMy Seventh Husband: Ivana Newhouse \r\nMystery in the Barnyard: Hu Flung Dung \r\nNeat Shirts: Preston Ironed \r\nNeither a Borrower: Nora Lender Bee \r\nNew Mexico Tour Book: Albie Kerky \r\nNHL Hockey: Stanley Kupp \r\nNice Hotels: Mary Ott \r\nNo More Circuit Breakers! by Ira Fuse\r\nNo! by Kurt Reply\r\nNobel Prize Cannibals: Laurie Ate \r\nNoise is Forbidden! by Nada Loud\r\nNordic Groundskeepers: Leif Raker \r\nNot a Guitar!: Amanda Lin \r\nNot Bogged Down In Reality: Jason Rainbows \r\nNot So Hot: Luke Warm \r\nNuclear Explosives: Adam Baum \r\nNuclear Power Bafflement: Ken Fusion \r\nNuts about You!: Cy Cosis \r\nOff To Market by Tobias A. Pigg\r\nOh What A Relief It Is: Al Kaseltzer \r\nOkee Dokee: Roger Wilco \r\nOne Hundred Years Old: Abbie Birthday \r\nOptions Trading: June Gold \r\nOutdoor Activities by Alf Resco\r\nOutdoor Cookery: Barbie Cue \r\nOuter Space by A. Leanne\r\nOvercoming Nervousness On Radio: Mike Fright \r\nOverweight Vegetables by O. Beets\r\nPain in My Body by Otis Leghurts\r\nPain Relief by Ann L. Gesick\r\nParachuting by Hugo First\r\nParty On, Dude: Jill Out \r\nPeeping Tom: Sawyer Scanties \r\nPentagon Press Release: Colonel O'Truth and Lotta Lies \r\nPersonal Best: Marco DeStinction \r\nPerverted Mushrooms by M. Morel\r\nPilgrim Settlers: May Flower \r\nPlaying with the Christmas Fire: Yule B. Sari \r\nPlumb Good: Dwayne Pipe \r\nPositive Reinforcement: Wade Ago \r\nPrayers For Children: Cindy Skool \r\nPrepare To Meet Your Maker: Eva DeStruction \r\nPreparing Leather: Tanya Hyde \r\nPressure Relief: Korsetsov \r\nPrevent Drowning: Buddy System \r\nPull with All You've Got! by Eve Ho\r\nPull Yourself Together!: Annette Curtain \r\nPunk Rock Rulez!: Lotta Noyze \r\nPut'er There, Pal!: Greg Garious \r\nQuips For The Young At Heart: Marty Pants \r\nRacketeering by Dennis Court\r\nRaising Flowers By Hand: Flo Wrist \r\nRangers In The Night: Forrest Fyar \r\nRapunzel, Rapunzel!: Harris Long \r\nReady...Set...: Sadie Word \r\nRed Vegetables by B. Troot\r\nRich People: Belle Yenere \r\nRobots by Anne Droid\r\nRound the World: Madge Ellen \r\nRules For Living: Sharon Sharalike \r\nRussian Tennis Shoes: Ivan Odor \r\nRusty Bed Springs by I.P. Nightly\r\nSandpapers of the West: Tex Ture \r\nSay The Magic Word: Abby Cadabra \r\nScandinavian Photography: Matt Finnish \r\nScottish Kilt Patterns: Glen Pladd \r\nScuffed Floors: Mark Tupp \r\nSea Birds by Al Batross\r\nSeason Tickets: Oprah Maven \r\nSevered Joints by Arm Less\r\nShaky Knees: Cliff Diver \r\nShhh!: Danielle Soloud \r\nShoes For Farm And Ranch: Claude Hopper \r\nSilly Rabbit: Trixie R. Forkids \r\nSingin' and Shakin': Oprah Tic Tenor \r\nSkunks in the Shrubbery: P. Yew \r\nSlept Right Throught It by R.E. Classes\r\nSliding Down a Banister by Dick Burns\r\nSmall Treasures in the Toilet Bowl by I.P. Nickels\r\nSmall Vegetables: Russell Sprout \r\nSmart Beer Making by Bud Wiser\r\nSmash His Lobster! by Buster Crabbe\r\nSmoker's Cough: Nick O'Teen \r\nSnakes of the World by Anna Conda\r\nSnorting My Way To Heaven: Angel Dust \r\nSoak Your Ex-Husband by Ali Money\r\nSoda Pop History: Ginger Aile \r\nSofa so Good by Chester Field\r\nSolving Crimes: D. Tective \r\nSome Like It Hot: Red Pepper \r\nSome Like It Sweet: Sugar Kane \r\nSomethings Out There by Will B. Watchinu\r\nSongs For Children: Barbara Blacksheep \r\nSound as a Bell: A.C. Langer \r\nSouthern California Waffles: Sandy Eggo \r\nSplit Personalities: Jacqueline Hyde \r\nSpots on the Wall by Who Flung Poo\r\nStar Spangled Barrio: Jose Canusee \r\nStill Looking For My Heart: Sam Francisco \r\nStop Arguing by Xavier Breath\r\nString Instruments by Viola Player\r\nStrong Winds: Gail Force \r\nStunned Over Christmas: Holly Daze \r\nSurprised! by Omar Gosh\r\nSwedish Perfumeries: Ole Factory \r\nSwimming in the Arctic: I. C. Waters \r\nTake a Break!: Colin Sick \r\nTake This Job And Shove It: Ike Witt \r\nTeach Me! by I. Wanda Know\r\nTear Up Those Betting Slips: Lou Zerr \r\nTeenagers Of The '50's: Bobbie Sox \r\nThe Auto Salvage Business: Rex Toad \r\nThe Beach Bully: Harry Ayp \r\nThe Big Wave: Sue Nami \r\nThe Bird Collection: Arnie Thologie \r\nThe Bog: Pete Maas \r\nThe Candy Store: Pepper Mintz \r\nThe Cat's Revenge by Claude Bottom\r\nThe Chuck Berry Story: Judy Frudy \r\nThe Complete Proctologists Handbook by Ben Dover\r\nThe Criminals Of Watergate: Barton Mee \r\nThe Dead Of Winter: Jan Yuary \r\nThe Economy is Recovering!: Knott Quite \r\nThe Effects of Alcohol by Sir Osis of Liver\r\nThe Empath: Ophelia Sadness \r\nThe End of the World by Armageddin Outtahere\r\nThe Excitement of Trees by I. M. Board\r\nThe Fall of a Watermelon by S. Platt\r\nThe Fortuneteller: Reid Palms \r\nThe French Chef by Sue Flay\r\nThe Frozen South: A. Winterbottom \r\nThe Garden State: Ida Hoe \r\nThe German Bank Robbery: Hans Zupp \r\nThe Good Breakfast: Hammond Deggs \r\nThe Greasy Spoon: Chris Coe \r\nThe Great Escape by Freida Convict\r\nThe Great Flood: Noah Zark \r\nThe Ham Radio Primer: Loudon Clear \r\nThe Hidden Surprise: Pam Perz \r\nThe History Of Exxon: Phil Errup \r\nThe History of Fox TV: Annette Work \r\nThe Hitchhiker: Juan Nalift \r\nThe Housing Problem by Rufus Quick\r\nThe Industrial Revolution by Otto Mattick\r\nThe Irish Heart Surgeon: Angie O'Plasty \r\nThe LA Lakers' Breakfast: Kareem O'Wheat \r\nThe Lady Pirate: Peg Legg \r\nThe Last Roundup: Brandon Irons \r\nThe Lion Attacked by Claudia Armoff\r\nThe Miracle Drug: Penny Cillin \r\nThe Monkey Cage: Jim Panzee \r\nThe Music Of Sammy Davis Jr.: Candy Mann \r\nThe National Science Foundation: Grant Money \r\nThe Nude Beach by Seymour Hair\r\nThe Palace Roof has a Hole by Lee King\r\nThe Paper Route: Avery Daye \r\nThe Peace Mission: Olive Branch \r\nThe Perils Of Drug Addiction: Anita Fixx \r\nThe Phillipine Post Office: Imelda Letter \r\nThe Porn Queen: Mona Lott \r\nThe Scent of a Man by Jim Nasium\r\nThe Senior Prom: Spike Drink \r\nThe Shrinking Society: Les Ismoor \r\nThe Smorgasbord: Buffy Dinner \r\nThe Spiritual Life: Ned Itation \r\nThe Squeaking Gate: Rusty Hinges \r\nThe Sweat Shop: Hiram Cheap \r\nThe Telltale Heart: Stefi Scope \r\nThe Truancy Problem: Marcus Absent \r\nThe TV News Anchorman: Maury Ports \r\nThe Twelfth Month: Dee Sember \r\nThe Unknown Rodent by A. Nonny Mouse\r\nThe World's Best Recipes: Gus Tatorial \r\nThe World's Deadliest Joke: Theophilus Punoval \r\nTheft and Robbery by Andy Tover\r\nThings to Cook Meat In by Stu Potts\r\nThings To Do At Parties: Bob Frapples \r\nThose Funny Dogs by Joe Kur\r\nTigger's revenge by Claude Balls\r\nTight Situation by Leah Tard\r\nTighten That butt! by A. Nail Retentive\r\nTinseltown Tales: Holly Wood \r\nTo Be Honest: Frank Lee \r\nToo Rough: Soren Redd \r\nTrails in the Sand by Peter Dragon\r\nTrial Law: Tess Temoni \r\nTrim Those Sideburns Too?: Buzz Cutt \r\nTug of War by Paul Hard\r\nTurkish Minerals: Asa Miner \r\nTurtle Racing by Eubie Quick\r\nTwo Thousand Pounds! by Juan Ton\r\nTyrant of the Potatoes by Dick Tater\r\nUncomfortable Feelings by Jock Strap\r\nUnder the Bleachers by Seymour Butts\r\nUnemployed by Anita Job\r\nUninteresting Road Signs: Bill Bored \r\nUnsolved Mysteries by N. Igma\r\nVegas Divorces: Marion Hayste \r\nVegetable Arrangements: Arty Choke \r\nVolunteer's Guidebook: Linda Hand \r\nWaiting in Line for the Bathroom by Ivana Tinkle\r\nWaste Dumps by I. Saw\r\nWe Take Credit Cards, But...: Cassius Better \r\nWe Won 20-1!: Barry Um \r\nWebster's Words by Dick Shunnary\r\nWeekend In Hong Kong: Rick Shaw \r\nWeepy Movie: Maud Lynn Story \r\nWe're All Flakes: Dan Druff \r\nWest Coast Universities: Stan Ford \r\nWhat I Took: Irv Erginity \r\nWhat Makes a Good Thief by Ian Yerhous\r\nWhat Makes Airplanes Go: Jeff Fuel \r\nWhatchamacallit! by Thingum Bob\r\nWhat's For Dinner?: Chuck Roast \r\nWhat's Your Invention?: Pat Tent \r\nWhen's The Revolution?: Millie Tant \r\nWhere to Find Islands by Archie Pelago\r\nWhere to Put Your Money: Bill Fold \r\nWhere's the Toilet by Ivona Tinkle\r\nWho Killed Cock Robin? by Howard I. Know\r\nWhy Cars Stop by M. T. Tank\r\nWind In The Maple Trees: Russell Ingleaves \r\nWind Instruments by Tom Bone\r\nWinning the Race by Vic Tree\r\nWish I'd Never Been Born: Rudy Daye \r\nWithout Warning by Oliver Sudden\r\nWomen Rule by Iam Write.\r\nWoulda Been A Great Shortstop: Kent Hitt \r\nWouldn't You Know It: Murphy Slaw \r\nYellow River by I. P. Freely\r\nYoko's Robe: Kim Ono \r\nYou Drip!: Lee K. Fawcette \r\nYou Wash, I'll Dry: Terry Cloth \r\nYou're a Bundle of Laughs by Vera Funny\r\nYou're Kidding! by Shirley U. Jest\r\nYou're So Sweet: Mable Syrup",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6314,
"title": "Funny Book Titles"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks up to a doctor and asks: \"What type of questions do you ask people to decide if they are retarded or not?\" \r\n\r\n\"I ask questions like; If you had to empty a bathtub that was full of water, and I gave you a teaspoon, a bucket, and a cup, how would you get the water out?\" \"Oh I see,\" the man said, \"a sensible man would use the bucket because it is bigger.\"\r\n\r\n\"No, a sensible person would pull the plug.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 6318,
"title": "You are Given...."
},
{
"body": "\"Doctor, Doctor! My friend has only 59 seconds to live.\"\r\n\"Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 6320,
"title": "59 Seconds"
},
{
"body": "A man takes a day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole, when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it, and is about to shoot when he hears\r\n\r\n \"Ribbit, 9 iron\"\r\n\r\n The man looks around and doesn't see anybody. So he gets ready again, when he hears \r\n\r\n\"Ribbit 9 iron\"\r\n\r\n He looks at the frog, and decides to prove him wrong. He puts away his club, and gets a 9 iron. \r\n\r\nHe whacked that ball, and it landed 10 in. from the cup! He was shocked, and looked at the frog, \"Wow, that was amazing\" he said \"You must be a lucky frog then.\"\r\n\r\n\"Ribbit, Lucky Frog\"\r\n\r\nThe man takes the frog to the next hole. \"What do you think?\" he said. \r\n\r\n\"Ribbit, 3 wood\"\r\n\r\nThe man takes out his 3 wood, and hit the ball. Hole in 1! He was befuddled, and didn't know what to say. \r\n\r\nHe took the frog to every hole, and he golfed his best game.\r\n\r\n\"OK,\" said the man \"Where to next?\"\r\n\r\n\"Ribbet, Las Vegas\"\r\n\r\nSo off they went, to Las Vegas. When they arive, he asks, \"Now what?\" \r\n\r\n\"Ribbit, Roulette Wheel\"\r\n\r\n\"What should I bet?\"\r\n\r\n\"Ribbit, $3000, black 6\"\r\n\r\nAfter the luck at golfing, the man says, \"What the hell.\" \r\n\r\nThen, suddenly loads of cash came sliding across the table; he got it.\r\n\r\nHe takes his winnings and buys the best hotel room, and he, of course, brings the frog.\r\n\r\n\"Frog, you have won me all this money, and I do not know how to repay you.\"\r\n\r\n\"Ribbit, Kiss Me\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, I guess...\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nPOOF........\r\n\r\nThe frog becomes a 10 year old boy. \"And that, your honor, is how the boy got into my room. So help me God, if my name is not....\r\n\r\n\r\nMichael Jackson\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6322,
"title": "The Frog and Golf"
},
{
"body": "I work at Bed, Bath and Beyond\r\n in the 'Beyond' dept.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6323,
"title": "Bed, Bath, and Beyond"
},
{
"body": "If to give a man a fish, he eats for a day, but if you teach a man to fish...\r\n\r\nHe has to buy a license, poles, bait, and sit on his behind for four hours.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6324,
"title": "Teach a Man to Fish"
},
{
"body": "What Men Want \r\n \r\n More beer. More cheese. More sex. \r\n\r\nVitamin fortified cigars. \r\n\r\nPublic beer fountains. \r\n\r\nKitty catapults.\r\n \r\nAll day happy hour at a lesbian Hooters. \r\n\r\nWet T-shirt Fridays. \r\n\r\nReplace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors. \r\n\r\nRocket boots. \r\n\r\nMachine gun camp. \r\n\r\nNASA space shuttle races. \r\n\r\nSledgehammer boxing. \r\n\r\nGirlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments. \r\n\r\nCongressional pie fights. \r\n\r\nGovernment research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero. \r\n\r\nMore beer. More cheese. More sex. \r\n\r\nTomahawk missile surf boards. \r\n\r\nHot tub jury boxes. \r\n\r\nNacho cheese lipstick. \r\n\r\nPersonal midget-ninja chauffeurs. \r\n\r\nNew TV shows: PBS' The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America's Funniest Farts. \r\n\r\n24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunk, with lipstick stains on your collar. \r\n\r\nMore beer. More cheese. More sex. \r\n\r\nCondoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used. \r\n\r\nInflatable sex dolls who cook. \r\n\r\nBeef jerky business cards. \r\n\r\nCombination briefcase/pizza oven. \r\n\r\nNational Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day. \r\n\r\nArt museums dedicated to framing copy-machine faxes of asses. \r\n\r\nRobot gloves for crushing kegs of beer. \r\n\r\nKaraoke \"ejector\" stages. \r\n\r\nOpera glasses that broadcast ESPN. \r\n\r\nThe Astronaut Reserves. \r\n\r\nPorno without all the \"talking\" filler. \r\n\r\nHead banging elevated to \"fine art\". \r\n\r\nAll money spent on women tax deductible! \r\n\r\nFree BBQ buffet at the DMV. \r\n\r\nPassports to Margaritaville. \r\n\r\nThe ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot. \r\n\r\nOne \"Get Out of the Doghouse\" card.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6329,
"title": "Beer, Cheese and Sex"
},
{
"body": "Q. How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nA. Hey, let's go ride bikes!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 6331,
"title": "ADD"
},
{
"body": "Here are some excuses for if someone asks you to do something with them...\r\n\r\nI'd love to but... I have to floss my cat.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I've dedicated my life to linguini.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I want to spend more time with my blender.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... The President said he might drop in.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... The man on television told me to stay tuned.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... It's my parakeet's bowling night.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm building a pig from a kit.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... There's a disturbance in the Force.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... My crayons all melted together.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm in training to be a household pest.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm getting my overalls overhauled.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... My patent is pending.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm attending the opening of my garage door.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm sandblasting my oven.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm worried about my vertical hold.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm being deported.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... The grunion are running.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'll be looking for a parking space.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm taking punk totem pole carving.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have to fluff my shower cap.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... My plot to take over the world is thickening.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have to fulfill my potential.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I don't want to leave my comfort zone.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... It's too close to the turn of the century.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... My subconscious says no.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I left my body in my other clothes.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... The last time I went, I never came back.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have to answer all of my \"occupant\" letters.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... None of my socks match.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.\r\n\r\nAnd Finally...\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm having all my plants neutered.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6333,
"title": "Excuses- Part 1"
},
{
"body": "Here are some excuses if someone asks you to do something with them...\r\n\r\nI'd love to but... People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.\r\n\r\nI'd love to but... I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm making a home movie called \"The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator\".\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... My yucca plant is feeling yucky.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm touring China with a wok band.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I never go out on days that end in \"Y\".\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... My mother would never let me hear the end of it.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I just picked up a book called \"Glue in Many Lands\" and I can't put it down.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm too old/young for that stuff.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have too much guilt.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... There are important world issues that need worrying about.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have to draw \"Cubby\" for an art scholarship.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I promised to help a friend fold road maps.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I feel a song coming on.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm trying to be less popular.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... My bathroom tiles need grouting.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have to bleach my hare.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... You know how we psychos are.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... My favorite commercial is on TV.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have to study for a blood test.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm going to be old someday.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I've been traded to Cincinnati.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm observing National Apathy Week.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have to rotate my crops.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... My uncle escaped again.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.\r\n\r\nI'd love to but... I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have to go to court for kitty littering.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.\r\n\r\nI'd love to but... Having fun gives me prickly heat.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have to jog my memory.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... My palm reader advised against it.\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.\r\n\r\nAnd Finally...\r\n \r\nI'd love to but... I have to stay home and see if I snore.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6334,
"title": "Excuses- Part 2"
},
{
"body": "Here are some excuses if someone asks you to do something with them...\r\n\r\nI'd love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I think you want the OTHER [your name].\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to sit up with a sick aunt.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm trying to cut down.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I need to eat some food for thought.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I've already used up eight of my nine lives.\r\n\r\nI'd love to, but the jury is still out.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm going to catalog my cutlery collection.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but my cat has a yeast infection.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but it's against my religion.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but the voices say that if I go to work/school, then I will have to sacrifice an animal/small child/virgin.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I ran out of Prozac and I just can't go on.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm sorry, I'm being abducted by a flying saucer at 9.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to finish making my ear wax sculpture.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm right in the middle of knitting my bellybutton lint into a cardigan for my elephant.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to follow the directions on my orange juice container (concentrate).\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but my computer needs tuning.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm painting my toenails.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have a date in Transylvania.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I need to clean my carpet with a toothbrush.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but the lawn's turned into a jungle. \r\n\r\nI'd love to, but I'm pruning my fishing lures.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I accidently took some ex-lax with my prozac this morning. I've been sitting on the can all day, but I feel great.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm passing a stone.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to degauss my monitor.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to deworm my kitten.\r\n\r\nI'd love to, but I lost my contact - I can't see.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I got snowed in.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm sorry I can't, I'm busy reading excuses.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but some big kids made me do it.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm still looking for my other arm.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but when an egg dish flops - those hens must have had a rough night.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but my hair hurts.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I can't come in, that bright ball in the sky is blinding me.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I've got a highway pizza in the oven and I have to watch that it doesn't burn.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm expecting a subpoena from Ken Starr.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but Ed McMahon and Dick Clark wrote \"It's Official...\" so I'm waiting.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I've been arrested for heckling at the ballet.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm busy taking all the sponges out of the ocean to see how much deeper it gets.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm steamcleaning my WonderBra.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but that's the night I stimulate my gums.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but my psychic advised me otherwise.\r\n\r\nI'd love to, but the Earth's about to get destroyed, I've got to find a ride off.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to re-chain my bicycle.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but sorry, I'm sacrificing you to my evil Gods of death and havoc that night.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm sorry, I built a circular drive-way and now I can't get out.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I don't wanna.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but No hablo Ingles (I do not speak english).\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I was doing yoga exercises and got stuck.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'd be happy to after I bungee jump off of the Golden Gate Bridge without the bungee cord.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but the voices said evil things might happen 'cause you're bad.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm donating a kidney later.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I've been sitting in this chair and my butt has fallen asleep.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have a wedding to plan, a wife to murder and a kingdom to blame for it - I am swamped.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but my dog needs to have a flea bath.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I just had a frontal labotomy.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I've got silver hair, gold teeth and a lead butt, I'm filthy rich!\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to take the cat to the dry cleaners.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to rotate the tire on my unicycle.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but my butt got stuck in the toilet, again!\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm looking at a joke website trying to find excuses for all of the other events I'm trying to get out of.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but no.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but my inner child is too young for things of THAT sort of nature.\r\n \r\ni'd love to, but the government has me subject to random inspection.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm preening my duck.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to take my goldfish out for a walk.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to wax my butt hairs.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but there is an angry mob outside my front door and back door and I can't get out.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but my toaster is having quadruplets and I have to name them.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to eat my cat.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to breed my spoon and fork or else the world shall run out of sporks.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but sshh i'm sleeping!\r\n \r\nI'd love you to, but I wouldn't know what family I'm in. \r\n\r\nI'd love to, but I have to break my great grandmother out of jail.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but my dad just jumped out of a window.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm waxing my armpits.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm migrating south for the winter.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to go and lay an egg.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I can't speak any English.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I've got a severe case of leprosy.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm going to the butcher's to watch the chickens rotating.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but my blueberry muffins are burning.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I got sucked into a hoover.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm dusting my duster.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm ironing my grandparents.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to comb my cat.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to change the air in my tires.\r\n\r\nI'd love to, but I fell into a shredder.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to de-worm my Grandma.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to think of an excuse.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I heard that my imaginary friend died.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but god is calling me.\r\n \r\ni'd love to, but my mum's grown her nose back.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to do the dishes/do the laundry/clean my room.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm too busy ignoring you.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, it's just that my dog died and I have to flush it down the toilet.\r\n \r\nI'd love to,but I'm too busy staring at the sun.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to read my handbook of elements.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but the Queen of Roses has left me with nothing but thorns.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but my leg itches.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but my mom said I had to rub her feet tonight.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but Jupiter's in my rising.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm about to die, so I think it's best if I stayed here.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but my dog's teaching me to bark.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but it's evil\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but you do it.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I've fallen and can't get up.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to pull my popsicle out of my dog's nose.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to sort socks.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm busy chewing my nails. It requires a lot of concentration.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to iron my sheets.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I don't want to be seen with you, no offense or anything.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to go wash my llama.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but life just handed me socks and now I have to arrange them.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I gotta go walk my turtle.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm in a place where I don't know where I am.\r\n \r\nI'd love to go on another date but it's my other girlfriend's turn.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I farted and if I get up, it will smell REALLY bad!\r\n \r\nI'd love to go, I just don't like you.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but my boyfriend says no.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I've got the runs.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but Fred Flintstone's stalking me.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I can't be bothered.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but our weekly Star Trek meeting is held then.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I meet my psychiatrist every Friday.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm getting a tattoo.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm having my in grown toe nail removed - wanna see?\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but my orange juice box said concentrate.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to finish my replica of the Eiffel tower that I have made out of popsicle sticks.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have to tape the Official Boy George fan club meeting tonight on the t.v.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but you have popped my bubble.\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I have constipation.\r\n\r\nAnd Finally...\r\n \r\nI'd love to, but I'm already going out with somebody much cuter than you.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6336,
"title": "Excuses - Part 3"
},
{
"body": "\"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.\"\r\n...George W. Bush \r\n\"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94 \r\n\r\n\"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95 \r\n\r\n\"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98 \r\n\r\n\"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93 \r\n\r\n\"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96 \r\n\r\n\"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"The future will be better tomorrow.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97 \r\n\r\n\"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93 \r\n\r\n\"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"Public speaking is very easy.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush to reporters \r\n\r\n\"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.\"\r\n...George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96 \r\n\r\n\"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97 \r\n\r\n\"For NASA, space is still a high priority.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93 \r\n\r\n\"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95 \r\n\r\n\"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n \r\n\"Fool me once, shame, shame on y-you. Fool me twice, sh-shame on, well ya see, I cant be fooled again.\"\r\n...George W. Bush",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6337,
"title": "Dubya Quotes"
},
{
"body": "Artery: Study of paintings \r\nBacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria \r\nBarium: What to do when treatment fails \r\nBowel: Letter like A E I O or U \r\nCeasarean Section: District in Rome \r\nCat Scan: Searching for Kitty \r\nCauterize: Made eye contact with her \r\nComa: Punctuation Mark \r\nCongenital: Friendly \r\nD & C: Where Washington is \r\nDilate: To live long \r\nEnema: Not a friend \r\nFester: Quicker \r\nGenital: Non-Jewish \r\nHang Nail: Coat Hook \r\nImpotent: Distinguished, well known \r\nLabor pain: Hurt at work \r\nMorbid: Higher offer \r\nNitrate: Cheeper than day \r\nNode: Was aware of \r\nOutpatient: Person fainted \r\nPost op: Letter Carrier \r\nRecovery Room: Place to apholster \r\nRectum: Dang near Killed Him \r\nRheumatic: Amorous \r\nSecretion: Hiding something \r\nTablet: Small table \r\nTerminal Illness: Sick at Airport \r\nTibia: Country in North Africa \r\nTumor: More than One \r\nUrine: Opposite of 'you're out' \r\nVaricose: Nearby \r\nVein: Conceited",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 6342,
"title": "Redneck Medical Dictionary"
},
{
"body": "There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who can do binary and those who can't.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6349,
"title": "Can You Understand Binary?"
},
{
"body": "There once was a boy, whose parents was a cursed a lot. \r\n\r\nOne time, while he was on a drive with his dad, a policeman pulled him over and gave him a ticket. \"Bastard!\" the father muttered afterwards.\r\n\r\nThe boy asked, \"What does 'bastard' mean?\" \r\n\r\nThe dad told him nervously, \"It's a slang word for 'police officer'.\" \r\n\r\nAnother time, the dad was walking out of the house. On his way out, he tripped over the doormat and yelled, \"Shit!\" \r\n\r\nThe boy heard and asked, \"Dad, what does 'shit' mean?\" \r\n\r\nThe dad said to him, \"It means 'doormat'.\" \r\n\r\nLater, the boy went into the kitchen and his mum was cooking eggs. She dropped one and yelled angrily, \"Tit!\" \r\n\r\nThe boy asked her, \"What does 'tit' mean?\" \r\n\r\nThe mum told him, \"It's another word for 'eggs'\". \r\n\r\nThe dad came back home later and went upstairs. The boy followed him up. The dad went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Seconds later he cut himself shaving and shouted, \"Fuck!\" \r\n\r\nThe boy asked him when he came out, \"What does 'fuck' mean?\" The dad told him, \"It's another word for 'shaving'.\" \r\n\r\nA few days later, the doorbell rang and the boy answered the door. A police officer was standing on the porch. The boy, smiling said, \"Hi bastard, come in! Wipe your feet on the shit. My mum is in the kitchen frying her tits and my dad is upstairs fucking himself.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6351,
"title": "Be Careful What You Teach Your Children"
},
{
"body": "Here are the Top 15 excuses for if you are pulled over by a police officer for speeding, running a red light, etc.\r\n\r\n15.) Sorry, I slipped on a banana peel...\r\n\r\n14.) Oooohh, you're a policeman? I thought you were just another speeder! I was trying to get away so you wouldn't hit me!\r\n\r\n13.) I'm sorry officer but Dunkin Donuts is right ahead, not here.\r\n\r\n12.) I'm sorry officer, but I already have a date.\r\n\r\n11.) (For Americans caught speeding in Canada...), say, \"What's a kilometer?\"\r\n\r\n10.) \"So THAT'S what those signs are for!\"\r\n\r\n9.) I'm sorry I was speeding officer, but I have diarrhea.\r\n\r\n8.) If I was speeding, you were probably speeding to catch me, so how about we forget about the whole thing?\r\n\r\n7.) Sorry officer, I was trying to kill a bug under my gas pedal.\r\n\r\n6.) I'm sorry officer. I just got breast implants, and when I wear a seatbelt, it hurts!\r\n\r\n5.) My wife is pregnant, I'm trying to get to the hospital A.S.A.P.! (great for speeding tickets)\r\n\r\n4.) (Running a stop sign) I'm sorry officer, I thought the sign said \"POTS\". (Dyslexic)\r\n\r\n3.) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are not any other cars around, that's how far ahead they are!\r\n\r\n2.) Ooh officer I'd love to wear your handcuffs for awhile, but I really have to get home! My husband is gonna find my lover locked in the basement!\r\n\r\nAnd the Number One excuse if you're pulled over by a police officer.\r\n\r\n1.) Sorry, officer, but you see, what happened is when I reached for my crack pipe, my gun fell off my lap, getting lodged under the gas pedal, and forced me to speed out of control!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6353,
"title": "Top 15 Police Excuses"
},
{
"body": "How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA buck an ear.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6354,
"title": "Pirates' Money"
},
{
"body": "Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6355,
"title": "Bald Men - An UnAnswered Question"
},
{
"body": "SHOTGUN RULES: \r\nEver have the problem of catching a ride with someone whose car doesn't have much of a back seat? At times like these, it is important to know the rules of calling shotgun. Never again will you let someone take advantage of you because you don't know the rules. \r\n \r\nSection I - General Rules\r\n1) The first person to yell \"SHOTGUN\" gets to ride in the front seat.\r\n2) The remaining back seats may be divvied up in the same manner by being the first to call \"back right seat\", etc..\r\n3) The word \"shotgun\" must be loud enough to be heard by at least one witness. If no witness is to be found, or in case of a tie, the driver has the final word. After all, it is most likely his car. (note: if it isn't his car, and the owner is present, the owner's decision is final. Owner must be sober, however, or he will defer his judgment to the driver.)\r\n4) Early calls are strictly prohibited. All occupants of the vehicle (including the driver) must be outside of the building and directly on the way to the vehicle before shotgun may be called. Under no circumstances may a person call shotgun inside a building. For sake of simplicity, a garage is considered to be outside. Parking structures and detached garages are always considered as being outdoors, even if they are underground. \r\n5) A person may only call shotgun for one way of a trip. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey.\r\n6) Being as how everyone is created equal, men have the same right as women to the front seat of the car. i.e. women don't own the front seat.\r\n7) One is allowed to ride shotgun as many times as he can call it, but for himself only. No one can call shotgun for their slower friend, unless the friend has a speech or mental handicap that prevents them from calling it for themselves.\r\n8) The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun privileges from one or more persons. \r\nSection II - Special Cases\r\nThese special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precedence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable.\r\n1) In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun.\r\n2) If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.\r\n3) In the instance the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.\r\n4) In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window.\r\n5) In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline.\r\n6) In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three hour trip with him crammed in the back.\r\n\r\nSection III - The Survival Of The Fittest Rules (a.k.a The Bastard Rules)\r\n1) If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival Of The Fittest Rules on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules, excepting 1.8, are suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whoever can take it by force.\r\n2) The driver must announce the institution of the Survival Of The Fittest Rules with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle.\r\n3) Please follow the above rules to the best of your ability. If there are any arguments or exceptions not covered in these rules, please refer to rule 1.8.\r\n\r\nSection IV - Revisions\r\n1) These rules shall be subject to either revision or amendment at any time. But, changes and new rules you create during a car ride do not take effect until the next car ride. \r\n2) Since there is an established body currently in place to distribute world-wide information, it is proposed that the United Nations oversee the adoption, updates (as required) and enforcement of these rules once adopted by at least two-thirds of the current membership of the UN. \r\n3) It shall be the responsibility of all drivers to have a current copy of these rules in the vehicle's glove compartment, so that disputes may be resolved.\r\n\r\n\r\nSection V - Amendments \r\nAmendment I: The Laser / Shotgun Double Barrel Rule \r\nA person may call \"laser\" or \"Shotgun Double Barrel\" after shotgun has been called, to override the shotgun call. This is only valid if the driver verifies the call as we see in Section 1.3. \r\nAdditionally, any passenger who says \"No Blitz\" after claiming shotgun, may not have it taken away by either the \"Laser\" or \"Double Barrel\" rules. \r\nThese rules hold no precedence over Standard shotgun procedure, and the driver has final say in all calls.\r\n\r\nAmendment II: The Specific Amendment\r\nAny person who wishes to claim shotgun must actually pronounce either the word \"Shotgun\" or \"Gun.\" One may not say the name of a type of shotgun, such as \"12 Gauge.\" If a passenger does, then he or she can lay no claim on shotgun, and may be called by another person. \r\n\r\nAmendment III: The \"House\" Rule\r\nThe Owner of the vehicle decides which Shotgun Amendments to institute on his own car. All passengers must abide by the rules of these Amendments, which are stated in this document. This Amendment clarifies that not all Amendments need be active at any given time. \r\n\r\nAmendment IV: Eviction\r\nIf the vehicle is forced to stop for a serious infraction of the Shotgunner, the Shotgunner must relinquish his/her seat, if the driver so wishes. \r\nSerious infractions have been known to include spilling alcoholic beverages, spilling any beverage, being annoying, breaking parts of the car, and in extreme cases, just being ugly. \r\n\r\nAmendment V: The Shotgun Clause\r\nThis rule native to the south, but practical in many northern cities, states that the potential occupant with the largest caliber weapon on their person defaults to shotgun, unless one occupant is actually armed with a shotgun, in which case he gets shotgun. If two or more occupants actually have shotguns, then the over/under barrel configuration rules. \r\n\r\nAmendment VI: The Reserve Shotgun Amendment (Bitch, Spanky, Comm and SAM)\r\nAfter Shotgun has been called, other patrons may call \"Bitch,\" \"Spanky,\" or \"Comm,\" referring to the seat behind shotgun, the seat behind the driver, and the center back seat, respectively. SAM applies to the hatchback or trunk. \r\n\r\nAmendment VII: Navigator\r\nThe passenger who has shotgun MUST serve as Navigator. By this, he must watch out for signs and intersections that the driver may miss during the course of a road trip. The Navigator must also ask for directions out the window. \r\nIt is also the responsibility of the passenger who has shotgun to take control of the radio and air conditioning, however the driver has final say over the settings. The other occupants of the car can also have an opinion. If the passenger with shotgun is caught forgetting their duties and makes the car listen to commercials and/or bad music, then his privilege can be lost. Of course, this is all in good judgement of the driver. As Navigator, the driver may also ask him to operate other devices such as the windshield wipers, and rear window defroster. \r\nIt is also the job of the Navigator throw all trash and empty beer bottles out of the window. The beer bottles must be crushed under the tires to destroy all evidence, in case of an emergency situation.\r\nIn addition, the Navigator must possess the ability and the will to insult other drivers and be heard, only if they deserve it (ie: being cut off). This is to allow the driver to continue to operate the vehicle properly.\r\nThe Navigator must possess the ability (and the will) to roll down their window and invite any chicks in adjacent cars to the driver's destination. \r\n\r\nAmendment VIII: First Blood\r\nThis rule from the mid-west states that whoever draws blood (supposedly when the Survival of the Fittest rules are in effect) gets shoved in the back of the hatchback (or trunk) with the spare tire. \r\n\r\nAmendment IX: Australian Shotgun\r\nOriginally from Australia, if two people tie for shotgun, then the first person to put their thumb on their head is awarded shotgun. If they both do this at the same time, then an immediate pissbolt (race) to the car is required. \r\n\r\nAmendment X: Five Minute Rule\r\nThis rule, which originated in Massachusetts, states that in the event that the passenger riding shotgun leaves the car (ie: to get something from his house or a convenient store) is allowed 5 minutes in which to return and still retain his shotgun privilege. If he does not return within the time frame allotted, another passenger may take his place. There are other variations to this rule such as the \"Two Hour Rule,\" but these usually result in the shotgunner geting beaten up by the other passengers.\r\n\r\nAmendment XI: Awnings\r\nOnce all passengers have exited through the final doorway on the way to the car, (provided the car is in view), they are considered outside and may call shotgun no matter what covering is overhead. This rule applies to all awnings, covered decks and all outdoor shelters. Garages are considered outside so long as the door is open. \r\n\r\nAmendment XII: National Bitch\r\nThis rule alters Amendment VI, where the caller of \"Bitch\" gains the center back seat. Comm is replaced with \"Spanky 2,\" referring to the seat behind Shotgun. \r\n\r\nAmendment XIII: Refueling\r\nIn addition to Amendment VII, if the car needs refueling at any time, it is the duty of the Shotgunner to gas up the car and pay (though usually with money given by the driver). \r\n\r\nAmendment XIV: The Race\r\nIf there is a tie when calling shotgun, the first person who touches the car wins. \r\n\r\nAmendment XV: Ozzie Pissbolt\r\nIf the driver gets confused or annoyed with chaotic rules arguments, he may shout \"Ozzie Pissbolt,\" suggesting that the first person to touch the car is awarded shotgun. \r\n\r\nAmendment XVI: Jedi Run\r\nIf the car is not within sight of the driver, and significantly far away, so that the proposed walk to the vehicle is neither linear nor within five minutes, the initiating party may call \"Jedi Run\" after a successful shotgun call (vehicle visibility is not required for this success). She must then beat all other opponents to the vehicle. In order to secure shotgun, the initiating party must not be out of breath or tired by the time the rest of the troupe arrives. This overrides any other countermeasures for shotgun if executed before they come into effect. \r\n\r\nAmendment XVII: Alternate Names\r\nThis amendment adds additional aliases.\r\nShotgun may also be called under the following aliases: Gun, Shogun, Catgut, and Shotty. Bitch (as in, behind shotgun) may also be called under the following aliases: Rightsies and On-The-Rightsies SAM may also be called under the following aliases: Turrets \r\n\r\nAmendment XVIII: Alternative Seats\r\nIn addition to Amendment XVII, anyone who wants to be duct-taped to the roof calls \"Mir!\" If a trunk is present in the vehicle, then this \"seat\" will hereby be recognized as \"Ex-Wife.\" \r\n\r\nAmendment XIV: The Recall Rule\r\nOnce a passenger has called shotgun, another passenger may call \"Recall Shotgun,\" thereby overriding the shotgun call and claiming shotgun for themselves. In order for this not to happen the first passenger must call \"Shotgun, No Recall.\" This rule is similar to the \"No Blitz\" call.\r\n\r\nAmendment XX: Reversion\r\nIf the original caller of shotgun lost their seat to some countermeasure, the initial caller may shout \"Same Seatsies\" to regain their right to shotgun. In addition, \"Double Barrel\" and \"Laser\" may be followed by \"No Blitz,\" so that the original caller cannot regain their shotgun right. \"No Blitz\" and \"Same Seatsies\" are synonymous with \"No Recall\" and \"Recall Shotgun,\" respectively. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXI: Duel\r\nIn such a case where any present shotgun rules still causes confusion between two individuals, they may duel for the honor of Shotgun. This duel takes the form of one (and only one) round of traditional \"paper, rock, scissor.\" Alternatively, this may be replaced by one (and only one) round of \"odds or evens.\" \r\n\r\nAmendment XXII: Chinese Sneak Attack\r\nIn the event that someone manages to touch the car's handle, and/or is in the car before anyone called shotgun, then they immediately receive the shotgun priviledge. However, this amendment does not apply to someone who ran to the vehicle in question in order to do so. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXIII: Broken Seat\r\nIn the event that the front passenger seat in the car is extremely uncomfortable (i.e. has a big hole in it), the passenger who called Shotgun must sit in that seat. The other passengers may ridicule him as they wish. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXIV: Smoking\r\nIn the event that smoking is allowed in said vehicle, smoking passengers are given consideration over non-smokers in order that they may utilize either the window or ashtray. \r\nIn the event that there is more than one smoking passenger, the passenger that has already lit-up has Shotgun privilege over those who are not already engaged in the act of smoking. \r\nIn the event that more than one smoker is already smoking while on the way to the vehicle, the driver may enforce The Survival of the Fittest Rules or First Blood Rule. This however, is not recommended do to the high risk factor to the vehicle in question. As stated in Section I Article 8 of the Constitution, the driver has all final say in disputes between passengers.\r\n\r\nAmendment XXV: Secondary Passenger\r\nIf a passenger is \"just along for the ride,\" then they must sit in the back seat (or worst seat, if the car is otherwise full), because the ride is not for them. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXVI: Double Shotgun\r\nThis rule from Delaware states that if a given passenger calls a valid \"shotgun\", then he or she may not say \"shotgun\" again. By calling \"shotgun\" a second time, he or she would automatically forfeit their seat and shotgun is reopened to the other passengers. \r\nOther passengers are allowed to try to trick the person who originally says \"shotgun\" into saying it again, in order to claim shotgun for themselves. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXVII: Contraband\r\nIn the event that the car is about to pass an abandoned case of beer, pornography, or any other form of contraband that the passengers might find useful in some way or another, it is the responsibility of the passenger riding shotgun to open his door and scoop up the said beer, pornography or contraband, while the car is still in motion. \r\nAdditionally, if the car is moving at a speed above 15 M.P.H. (24 km/h) the passenger riding shotgun may decline to do so.\r\n\r\nAmendment XXVIII: No Bitch\r\nThis rule states that once Shotgun has been called by one of the passengers, the remaining passengers may call, \"No Bitch.\" The passenger who calls \"No Bitch\" last, or fails to call it at all, is forced to ride bitch. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXIX: No Chauffeur / Compulsory Shotgun\r\nIn the event that there are fewer passengers than capacity would allow, there must always be a passenger riding shotgun. This would include a couple. This is to prevent the driver from feeling ditched, or like a chauffeur.\r\n\r\nAmendment XXX: Seniority\r\nIn the instance that one of the passengers is much older than the rest of the passengers, he/she is automatically given Shotgun unless they decline. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXXI: Ten-Foot Rule\r\nThis rule native to Myrtle Beach and Charleston, SC, states that once a passenger has called Shotgun, another passenger may call \"10 Foot Rule.\" In this case, there would be an immediate race for the car. The first passenger to come within 10 feet of the car is awarded Shotgun. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXXII: Backfire\r\nThis rule from Central NC states that if a passenger has shotgun on a trip, and then calls shotgun for the return trip, any passenger may call, \"Double Shotgun Backfire,\" to prevent a single passenger from dominating the front seat. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXXIII: International Travel\r\nWhen crossing the border into another country. All shotgun claims are void, and passengers may once again call shotgun. If another passenger gets it, the driver must pull over at his earliest and safest convenience. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXXIV: Context\r\nA passenger may only receive shotgun if he says shotgun within the context of calling shotgun. For instance, a passenger may not be awarded shotgun if he says, \"Did anybody call shotgun?,\" or if he/she was talking about a shotgun. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXXV: Language\r\nIf you reside in a non-English-speaking locale, Shotgun must be called by its native word. For instance, in Sweden, the word \"Hagelbossa\" must be pronounced, while in Germany, \"Schrotflinte.\" \r\nShotgun may be called in any language the driver is fluent in. \"Fluent\" is described here as being proficient enough in a language to understand conversation exchanges. \r\nOrder of preference rewards the language closest to the native language of the locale in which Shotgun is called. For instance, if the call is made is Sweden, and the only calls were \"Schrotflinte\" and \"Escopeta\" (Spanish), respectively, the seat will be given to the second caller, as German is closer-related to Swedish than Spanish is. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXXVI: The Eviction Notice\r\nParticularly crafty individuals may override a yet-to-be-made Shotgun call by leaving a note, clearly visible on the passenger-side door, with the word \"Shotgun\" written legibly on it, following the author's name. So long as no Shotgun call was made before the message was seen, the writer of the message is awarded Shotgun. \r\nOther calls relating to Shotgun may also be made in similar manner, including such calls as \"No Blitz\", \"Laser\", etc. \r\nThe execution of the written \"call\" goes into effect as soon as someone has seen the writing. Calls made prior to this override the note. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXXVII: No Hump\r\nLocal to Toronto, ON (Canada), this rule is relevant if there are five passengers in a car that has only four seats. After a successful Shotgun call is made, the remaining passengers may call \"No Hump\" to avoid sitting on the hump between the two back seats. The individual failing to make the call, or the last person to make the call, must sit on the uncomfortable, ball-breaking hump. This is a much-feared \"seat\" to Camaro and Firebird passengers. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXXVIII: Eagle Scout\r\nAn addition to Amendment XXX, it is the duty of the Shotgunner to spot all speed cameras and police cars that could pose a threat to the driver and car. If the vehicle is stopped because the Shotgunner failed in his duties, he may be banned from riding Shotgun for a period of time dictated by the driver. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXXIX: Shotgun Suicide\r\nIf the Shotgun caller attempts to open the car door as it is being unlocked (thus causing it to stay locked), he immediately loses Shotgun priviliges for the upcoming ride, and a new round of calling Shotgun must be executed. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXXX: Multiple Vehicles\r\nIn the case that there is more than one eligible car to make a trip, the owners of their respective vehicles may not want to drive. In these cases, they may force their colleagues to waste gas by proclaiming, \"Shot Not\". A successful call will not only save them gas, but will award them shotgun in another vehicle. \r\nIf there are more than two vehicles that can be driven, \"Shot Not\" can be followed by the name of the car's owner who the caller wants to have Shotgun in. \r\nIf \"Shot Not\" was called, but the car in which preference was called for has already had a successful Shotgun call, the individual still need not drive, so long as there are other potential vehicles whose drivers did not make successful \"Shot Not\" calls. \r\nOnce non-drivers have been eliminated with successful \"Shot Not\" calls, all non-Shotgun riding passengers may choose seats in the typical manner (ie \"Bitch\", \"Comm\", etc.) followed by the driver's name of the car they wish to travel in. A passenger is not guaranteed a particular seat in a vehicle unless the seat specified and the car specified is legal (ie, it has not yet been called). \r\n\"Shot Not\" may be called under the aliases of \"Shot No Drive\", \"Shotgun Not Drive\", and \"Shotgun No Drive\". \r\nFor efficiency-sake, \"Shot Not\" cannot be overriden with rules such as \"Laser\". \r\n\r\nAmendment XXXXI: Multiple Calls\r\nThis happens when multiple groups of people are meeting at one car, and both groups had someone claim Shotgun. If it can not be determined who made the call first, the dispute is settled with Rock, Paper, Scissors. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXXXII: Boyfriend/Girlfriend\r\nSection II, Article 3 of the Constitution states that , \"In the instance the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline.\" In addition, serious Boy/Girl friends should also receive preferential treatment in regards to shotgun.\r\n\r\nAmendment XXXXIII: The Couples Rule\r\nIn the event that a couple is traveling together, they must both sit together in either the front or back seat. This is so that people without boy/girlfriends, spouses, lovers, or prostitutes, can talk amongst themselves in the hope of acquiring boy/girlfriends, spouses, lovers, or prostitutes.\r\nThis rule however is null and void if the The No Chauffeur / Compulsory Shotgun Rule is in effect.\r\n\r\nAmendment XXXXIV: Balking\r\nIf you have called Shotgun and are waiting for the doors to be unlocked, you are not allowed to lift the handle during the unlocking, causing the other doors to remain locked. This voids your right to Shotgun.\r\n\r\nAmendment XXXXV: Abandonment\r\nIf the Shotgun occupant leaves the vehicle (even if they plan to come back), the Shotgun seat is up for grabs. One exception is if the Shotgun rider leaves to do a deed for the driver, like buying cigarettes or pumping gas. In those cases, that person retains their Shotgun rights. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXXXVI: The Handicapped\r\nSection II, Article 6 states that preferential shotgun treatment may be offered to anyone \"too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat\". Preferential treatment should be awarded to the handicapped as well as to these genetic misfits, especially if the injury prevents them from achieving maximum leg room, maneuverability, etc. (as might be the case with a broken leg, foot, etc.) Unlike with Section II, Article 6, however, the handicapped are not to be taunted as with the genetic misfits if not awarded shotgun. Otherwise, taunting is okay. \r\n\r\nAmendment XXXXVII: The Bribery Amendment\r\nIn the event that the shotgun call ends up in a tie between two passengers, the passengers in the tie may attempt to bribe the driver so that the driver makes the call in their favor. This rule is null and void, however if the driver institutes the Survival of the Fittest Rules. Examples of bribes are money, food and soda.\r\n\r\nAmendment XXXXVIII: The Full View Amendment\r\nThe automobile must be in full view of all passengers before \"Shotgun\" may be called.\r\n\r\nAmendment XXXXIV: The Second Call Amendment\r\nIf a given passenger calls a valid \"shotgun\", then he or she may not say \"shotgun\" again. By calling \"shotgun\" a second time, he or she would automatically forfeit their seat and shotgun is reopened to the other passengers.\r\nOther passengers are allowed to try to trick the person who originally says \"shotgun\" into saying it again, in order to claim shotgun for themselves.\r\n\r\nAmendment L: Voiding\r\nWhenever you break a Shotgun rule, you may be voided from receiving Shotgun privileges for that ride. \r\n\r\nAmendment LI: Long Trips\r\nThe rules listed in our guide were created for short trips (1 hour or less). On longer trips, Shotgun can be divided equally among those who want it.\r\n\r\nAmendment LII: The Rock Amendment\r\nThis rule states that once a passenger calls \"Shotgun,\" he must also say, \"No Rock.\" If the gunner does not say this, another passenger may call, \"Rock.\" In this case Shotgun is awarded to the winner of a best of three, Rock, Paper, Scissors contest.\r\n\r\nAmendment LIII: The Rotating Shotgun Rule\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 This rule is native to a suburb of Philadelphia, PA to ensure that everybody gets shotgun at least once per long road trip. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Before the first ride a passenger will call shotgun under the normal procedures, as stated in Section I of the Official Rules. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Once a passenger has had shotgun, he or she may not have shotgun again until everyone else has had shotgun. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Before the second ride, everyone (besides the person who has already had shotgun) competes for shotgun under the normal conditions. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 This continues until the trip has either ended or if everyone has already had shotgun once. \r\nOnce everyone has had shotgun, the \"shotgun order\" has been established. You must now rotate in that order. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The shotgun order recycles over and over until the trip is finished. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Person(s) joining the trip after the first ride are entered into the order by the following process: \r\n----Clause A: On their first ride, the calling of gun is between that person and the person whose turn it is in the shotgun order. \r\n----Clause B: if the order has not yet been established, the new rider is entered into the pool of riders calling for shotgun. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Driver still has final say in all ties and disputes. All rules from the Official rules, including special cases, and the Survival of the Fittest, are still in effect. \r\n\r\nAmendment LIV: The Barefoot Rule\r\nSince you must be outside to call Shotgun, some people will just grab their shoes, run outside, and call Shotgun before putting their shoes on. This is not valid. You must have your shoes on (if you plan to wear any) before you may call Shotgun. \r\nAmendment II: Re-entry \r\nIf you call Shotgun and then go back inside the building, you lose your Shotgun rights. While you are gone, someone else can call shotgun. If nobody does, you can call it when you go back. \r\n\r\nAmendment LV: Hand On The Shotgun Door\r\nShotgun can no longer be called once someone's hand is holding the shotgun door handle. This is significant when nobody else is around to hear you call shotgun. \r\n\r\nAmendment LVI: Sitting Down\r\nBy sitting in the Shotgun seat before anyone has called it, you get to stay there even if somebody calls it afterwards. Nobody needs to hear you actually call shotgun.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6357,
"title": "The Official Rules Of Calling Shotgun"
},
{
"body": "These are actual announcements from church...\r\n\r\n1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.\r\n\r\n 2. Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.\r\n\r\n3. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, \"Put me in My Little Bed\", accompanied by the pastor.\r\n\r\n4. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.\r\n\r\n5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.\r\n\r\n6. The service will close with \"Little Drops of Water.\" One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.\r\n\r\n7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the service.\r\n\r\n8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they \r\nmay be seen in the church basement Friday.\r\n\r\n9. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. \r\nMusic will follow. \r\n\r\n10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Bleser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Delser.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 6358,
"title": "Church Announcements"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, \"What are you doing?\"\r\n\r\nShe answers, \"I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!\" \r\n\r\nLater that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.\r\n\r\nWhen she asks him where he's going, he replies, \"I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6360,
"title": "Vegas!"
},
{
"body": "A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, \"I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died.\" \r\nThe man was very upset and yelled, \"You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.\" \r\n\r\nThe brother thought about it and apologized. \r\n\r\n\"So how's Mom?\" asked the man. \r\n\r\n\"She's on the roof and won't come down.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6365,
"title": "Cat on the Roof"
},
{
"body": "OK, let's consider the physical evidence. \r\n\r\nThe moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year. \r\n\r\nDo the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6367,
"title": "Dinosaur Theory"
},
{
"body": "There where two snakes talking. \r\n\r\nThe 1st one said, \"Sidney, are we the type of snake who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?\" \r\n\r\nThe second snake says, \"Why do you ask?\" \r\n\r\nThe 1st one replies: \"I just bit my lip!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6374,
"title": "What Type of Snake"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so small, she held up a sign that said \"Don't spit, I can't swim.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6375,
"title": "So Small"
},
{
"body": "If your dog farts and YOU claim it... you might be a redneck.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 6377,
"title": "Dog Farts"
},
{
"body": "Did you ever have to fart, on a bus, or an airplane, or in some public place, but hadn't been farting all that day? So you didn't really know the nature of the beast, you only knew there was LOTS of it!\r\n\r\nIn a situation like that, what you have to do is to release a test fart. You have to arrange to release, quietly, and in a careful, controlled manner, about 10 to 15 percent of the total fart in order to determine if those around you can handle it!\r\n\r\nOr if in fact you may be about to precipitate a public health emergency!\r\n\r\nWhen releasing a test fart, it is often good to engage in an act of refuge such as reaching for a magazine. \"Sayyy, is that Golf Digest?\" *FART!*\r\n\r\nYou think, \"Ah, that wasn't too horrifying; in fact, in an odd way, it's actually rather pleasant. I think they'll enjoy the rest of this baby!\"\r\n\r\nAnd it turns out to be one of those farts that would strip the varnish off a Foot Locker! A fart that could end a marriage.\r\n\r\nAnd everyone around you heads for the exits - even the people on the airplane! \r\n\r\nAs you realize it is time to review your fiber intake - it might not be neccesary after all each morning, to eat an entire wicker swingset!\r\n\r\nI hope you've learned now how to fart in public.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 6378,
"title": "Farting in Public"
},
{
"body": "A man had parked his car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an empty cart, when he heard a female voice say, \"Mister, are you using that cart?\" \"No,\" he answered...\"I'm only after one thing.\" As he walked away he heard her murmur, \"Typical male.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6379,
"title": "After One Thing"
},
{
"body": "Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud, \"I feel like a new man!\"\r\n\r\n\"I do, too,\" a middle-aged woman responded, \"but I'll probably go home with the same old one.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6382,
"title": "NEW MAN"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat she doesnt have dreams... she has MOTION PICTURES!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6384,
"title": "Not Dreams..."
},
{
"body": "Two guys were at the gym. Bob asked Ben, \"How did the date go with my sister?\" Bob replied, \"I didn't know your sister was famous. When I took her to the opera, and when it was over no one would leave until she stood up and sang.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6387,
"title": "The Date"
},
{
"body": "A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, \r\n\"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?\"\r\n\r\nThe trembling monkey says, \"You are, mighty lion!\"\r\n\r\nLater, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, \r\n\"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?\"\r\n\r\nThe terrified ox stammers, \"Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!\" \r\n\r\nOn a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, \"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?\"\r\n\r\nFast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like he'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till he looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.\r\n\r\nThe lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant - \"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6388,
"title": "King of the Jungle"
},
{
"body": "Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? \r\n\r\nA: The cow fell on her.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6391,
"title": "Milk Drinking Blond"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? \r\n\r\nA: They both have black roots.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6395,
"title": "Peroxide Blond"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette? \r\n\r\nA: Artificial intelligence.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6396,
"title": "Bleached Blond"
},
{
"body": "For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from a girl, our computers facing away from each other. \r\n\r\nA few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. \r\n\r\nShe called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. \r\n\r\nI started to type, \"Leave me alone!\" \r\n\r\nThey both jumped back, silenced. \"What the . . . \" the teacher said. \r\nI typed, \"I said leave me alone!\" \r\n\r\nThe kid got real upset. \"I didn't do anything to it, I swear!\" \r\nIt was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. \r\n\r\nMe: \"Don't touch me!\" \r\n\r\nHer: \"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard.\" \r\n\r\nMe: \"Who do you think you are anyway?!\" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. \r\n\r\nAfter they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6397,
"title": "Computer Class Fun"
},
{
"body": "Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, \"Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again!\"\r\nLester asks Billy Bob, \"So, what you gonna do this year that's different?\"\r\nBilly Bob says, \"This year, I'm takin' Marie with me...\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 6398,
"title": "Redneck Vacation"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so funky, they closed the beaches for a week after she drained her bath water.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6402,
"title": "Funky"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so poor she can't even pay attention.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6405,
"title": "Poor (old But Funny)"
},
{
"body": "If the most common phrase in your house is \"Somebody go jiggle the handle!\"... you might be a redneck.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 6406,
"title": "Most Common Phrase"
},
{
"body": "What is more peculiar than watching a catfish?\r\n\r\nWatching a goldfish bowl.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6407,
"title": "Peculiarities"
},
{
"body": "There were three prisoners who were about to be executed by the electric chair. The guards strapped down the first one, a Frenchman, onto the chair, and they asked him for his last words.\r\n \"Vive la France!\" he said, meaning 'Long live France'.\r\n \r\nWhen they pulled the switch, nothing happened. Everyone was amazed and thought that a miracle had occurred. The Frenchman was saved from death and released.\r\n\r\nThe guards strapped the second one, an Englishman, in the chair. When asked for his last words, he said, \"Long live the Queen!\"\r\n\r\nAgain, when they pulled the switch, nothing happened. He was saved and released.\r\n\r\nWhen they asked the last prisoner who was an Irishman for his last words, he said, \"Do you know why the other two prisoners escaped death? It's because you stupid blokes forget to plug in the cable!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6408,
"title": "Stupid Prisoner"
},
{
"body": "I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. \r\n\r\nEvery color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. \r\n\r\nAfter over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, \r\n\r\n\"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this \"yellow\" construction paper?\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 6410,
"title": "Problems Printing Yellow"
},
{
"body": "In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. \r\nIndeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. \r\n\r\nShe said unto Abraham, her husband, \"Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?\" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, \"How, Dear?\" \r\n\r\nAnd Dot replied, \"I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).\" \r\n\r\nAbraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. \r\n\r\nA man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. \r\n\r\nAnd lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. \r\n\r\nDot did say, \"Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.\" And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known \"eBay\" he said, \"we need a name that reflects what we are,\" and Dot replied, \"Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.\" \r\n\r\n\"YAHOO\", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6413,
"title": "History of the Internet"
},
{
"body": "A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. \r\n\r\n\"It ain't so bad,\" one crook noted. \"We got $50 between us.\" \r\n\r\nThe boss screamed: \"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers.... we had $100 when we broke in!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 6414,
"title": "Lawyers Robbed"
},
{
"body": "Why did the banana go to the doctors?\r\nBecause it wasn't peeling well",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6421,
"title": "Banana"
},
{
"body": "What do elephants always bring on holiday?\r\nA trunk.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6422,
"title": "Elephant"
},
{
"body": "Why is a football pitch so cold?\r\nBecause of all the fans",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 6423,
"title": "Football"
},
{
"body": "What are Martians favorite sweets?\r\nMars-mallows.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6424,
"title": "Martians"
},
{
"body": "What do you give a sick pig?\r\nOinkment.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6425,
"title": "Pig"
},
{
"body": "Which fish is the most valuable in the sea?\r\nA goldfish.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6426,
"title": "Fish"
},
{
"body": "What type of saw cuts the sea?\r\nA see-saw.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6427,
"title": "See Saw"
},
{
"body": "What is the noisiest part of a tree?\r\nIts bark.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6428,
"title": "Noisiest Part"
},
{
"body": "These are actual signs found around the world...\r\n===================================\r\nA sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.\r\n\r\nAt a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.\r\n\r\nAt A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?\r\n \r\nAt a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.\r\n\r\nAt a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.\r\n\r\nAt a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.\r\n\r\nAt a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.\r\n\r\nAt a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout. \r\n \r\nAt a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.\r\n\r\nAt a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.\r\n\r\nAt an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?\r\n\r\nAt an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.\r\n\r\nAt the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.\r\n\r\nAt the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.\r\n \r\nBillboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.\r\n \r\nCar Lot: The best way to get on your feet....Miss a car payment.\r\n\r\nChurch sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.\r\n\r\nDoor of a plastic surgeon's office: Hello. May we pick your nose?\r\n\r\nEnglish Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating.\r\n\r\nGym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!\r\n\r\nIn a Beauty Shop: Dye now!\r\n \r\nIn a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.\r\n\r\nIn a cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.\r\n\r\nIn a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.\r\n\r\nIn a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.\r\n\r\nIn a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.\r\n\r\nIn a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here.\r\n\r\nIn a farmer's field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.\r\n\r\nIn a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.\r\n\r\nIn a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.\r\n\r\nIn a hotel during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is day care on the first floor.\r\n\r\nIn a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.\r\n\r\nIn a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.\r\n\r\nIn a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.\r\n\r\nIn a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center.\r\n\r\nIn a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.\r\n\r\nIn a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.\r\n\r\nIn a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.\r\n\r\nIn a Podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels.\r\n\r\nIn a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.\r\n\r\nIn a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car.\r\n\r\nIn a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!\r\n\r\nIn a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.\r\n\r\nIn a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.\r\n\r\nIn a veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!\r\n\r\nIn an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.\r\n\r\nIn an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.\r\n\r\nIn downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel - NO END.\r\n\r\nIn front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.\r\n\r\nIn the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.\r\n\r\nIn the offices of a New Jersey loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.\r\n\r\nIn the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.\r\n\r\nIn the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.\r\n\r\nIn the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?\r\n\r\nInside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.\r\n\r\nMaternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day.\r\n\r\nMessage on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.\r\n\r\nNotice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.\r\n\r\nOn a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.\r\n\r\nOn a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)\r\n\r\nOn a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.\r\n\r\nOn a display of \"I love you only\" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.\r\n\r\nOn a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.\r\n\r\nOn a local plumbing company's trucks in NE Pennsylvania: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.\r\n\r\nOn a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.\r\n\r\nOn a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.\r\n\r\nOn a Music Teacher's door: Out Chopin.\r\n\r\nOn a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.\r\n\r\nOn a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.\r\n\r\nOn a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard \u00e2\u0080\u0094 bell out of order.)\r\n\r\nOn a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut.\r\n\r\nOn a roller coaster: Watch your head.\r\n\r\nOn a Scientist's door: Gone Fission.\r\n\r\nOn a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.\r\n\r\nOn a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.\r\n\r\nOn an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.\r\n\r\nOn an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot.\r\n\r\nOn an United Airlines emergency exit row instruction card: If you cannot read this card...\r\n\r\nOn the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.\r\n\r\nOn the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et.\r\n\r\nOn the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: No trespassing without permission.\r\n\r\nOn the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish\r\n\r\nOn the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy\r\n\r\nOutside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques.\r\n\r\nOutside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.\r\n\r\nOutside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1.\r\n\r\nOutside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.\r\n\r\nOutside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.\r\n\r\nOutside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner.\r\n\r\nOutside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak.\r\n\r\nOutside a second-hand store: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.\r\n\r\nQuicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.\r\n\r\nSign at the psychic's Hotline: Don't call us, we'll call you.\r\n\r\nThis was seen on a car being towed by a large motor home: I go where I'm towed to.\r\n\r\nAnd Last But Not Least...\r\n\r\nAt a pool: OOL, notice that there's no \"p\" in \"pool\", let's keep it that way!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6429,
"title": "Actual Signs"
},
{
"body": "Ever been to KFC? Ever notice that sometimes their toilets do not provide toilet rolls? Reason being that they uphold their motto: \"It's finger licking good!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 6438,
"title": "KFC"
},
{
"body": "There once was a boy named John. When he was young, he had been given a dog. He did not know what to name it and he opened a book called \"The Wonders of the Body.\" He came across the word \"sex\" and decided to name his dog after it. After about 20 years, one day, his dog when missing. He went to SPCA and see if they had seen his dog. \"What's your dog's name that you are looking for?\" the lady at the counter ask.\r\n \"I am looking for Sex.\"\r\n \"But sir, we don't provide those kind of service here, I think you should go somewhere else.\"\r\n \"But I need Sex a lot, I can't live without Sex, you can't ask me to go away like that.\"\r\n \"I think you've miss understood. This is the SPCA, not some brothel, so please excuse me.\"\r\n \"Hey miss, you can't do that! I need Sex everyday! Sex is very important to me ... \"\r\n \"Sir, but would you mind ...\"\r\n \"Look lady, I had Sex since 5, I ... \"\r\n As he speaks, a man dragging a dog came out from behind. \"Sir, is this your Sex?\"\r\n \"Yes ... at least ... I've found my Sex.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6439,
"title": "Sex"
},
{
"body": "Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon: a Patriots fan, a Falcons fan, an Eagles fan, and a Steelers fan. They had been arguing all the way up the mountain about who among them was the most \"die-hard\" fan. \r\n\r\nUpon reaching the top of the mountain, the Patriots fan proclaimed to the other three... \"This is for the New England Patriots!\" and promptly threw himself off the mountain as a form of sacrifice.\r\n \r\nNot to be outdone by a Patriots fan, the Falcons fan jumped up and said... \"This is for the Atlanta Falcons!\" and then threw himself off the mountain, again as a form of sacrifice. \r\n\r\nRefusing to be outdone by the Patriots and Falcons fans, the Steelers fan rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs, \"This is for the Pittsburgh Steelers!\" and without hesitation, pushed the Philadelphia Eagles fan off the mountain.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 6442,
"title": "Four Football Fans"
},
{
"body": "A woman and her goose walked into a bar. The bartender asked, \"Why'd you bring the pig in the bar?\"\r\nThe woman answered, \"I do believe this is a goose!\" The bartender says, \"I was talking to the goose!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 6447,
"title": "Pig In A Bar"
},
{
"body": "A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!\r\n\r\nThe next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.\r\n\r\nThe next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 6450,
"title": "The Bishop And His Ass"
},
{
"body": "A young cowboy walked into a seedy cafe in a small town in western Oklahoma. He sat at the counter and noticed an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.\r\n\r\nAfter about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked, \"If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?\"\r\n\r\nThe older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states, \"Nah, go ahead.\"\r\n\r\nEagerly, the young cowboy reached over and slid the bowl over to his place \r\nand started spooning it in with delight. He got nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and noticed a rotten, dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately puked up the chili into the bowl.\r\n\r\nThe old cowboy quietly said, \"Yup, that's as far as i got, too.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 6457,
"title": "The Young Cowboy"
},
{
"body": "A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. \"Mother Mole!\" He called back down the hole. \"Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!\" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. \"That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!\" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. \"I can't smell anything down here but molasses...\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6458,
"title": "Moles"
},
{
"body": "Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.\r\n\r\nWhen the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.\r\n\r\nHe went to tell Edna the news. He said, \"Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.\r\n\r\n\"The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.\"\r\n\r\nEdna replied, \"He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6464,
"title": "Jim and Edna"
},
{
"body": "A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. \r\n\r\nShe asks, \"You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?\"The old man replies, \"I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.\" \r\n\r\nThe journalist is amazed. \"How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?\" she asks. \r\n\r\nThe old man looks at her sadly. \"Like I'm talking to a wall.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6465,
"title": "Wailing Wall"
},
{
"body": "There was a fatal bus accident and the only survivor was a monkey. In order to fill in the blanks of the event, the police had hired a monkey trainer that could speak sign language with the monkey.\r\n\r\nThe trainer first asked the monkey if he had actually been on the bus. The monkey nodded yes. \r\n\r\nThe trainer then asked the monkey what was going on in the bus just before the accident. The monkey made hand motions to signal that there had been some heavy drinking of alcohol going on. \r\n\r\nThe trainer motioned, \"I see, what else was going on?\" To this, the monkey made gestures to show people smoking marijuana.\r\n\r\nThe trainer motioned, \"Isee, what else was going on?\" To this, the monkey depicted with his hands that everyone was having sex.\r\n\r\nThe trainer, conviced of what actually happened, then asked the monkey, \"What were you doing while all this was going on?\"\r\n\r\nThe monkey replied, \"looking over my shoulder while I was driving the bus!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6466,
"title": "Monkey Eyes"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you cross a chicken with a monkey?\r\n\r\nGeorge W. Bush",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6472,
"title": "Chimonken"
},
{
"body": "What's grosser than gross?\r\n\r\nWhen you find a used tampon in your ketchup bottle.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 6476,
"title": "Gross -- Not Funny #4"
},
{
"body": "What's grosser than gross?\r\n\r\nWhen you're eating a bowl of rice crispies and one gets up and slithers away.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 6477,
"title": "Gross -- Not Funny #5"
},
{
"body": "A blond lady was taking a shower one morning and when she was done washing her hair she took the washcloth and washed herself. when she was done, she stepped to the left brought back her arm and swung. she did that 4-5 times. she was trying to dry the cloth. she finally just gave up. that night she told her husband what she did and he thought a moment and said \"honey. were you putting the washcloth back in the water each time?\" so the next morning the wife went back in the shower and tried not to hit the wash cloth in the water. she of course did not succeed. so again in bed that night she told her husband she had tried but she just could not get the washcloth to dry. so the husband said \"how about I put a little heater in the shower so that when your done you can leave the water on and dry the cloth while your shaving. The wife agrees and the next morning sure enough there was a heater. so when the wife was done washing her hair she didnt see the cord right there without plastic on it so she grabbed the cord and put the washcloth on it. immidiatly the blond was shocked to death. About a month later the husband married another blond. she did the exact same thing. (everytime the husband married, he made sure the wife was blond,rich,and hot.) so now he had married 2 blonds. now another month passed and the man was filthy rich and he was married again. this time he waited to kill the wife. he wanted to do some things with her before he killed her, get a child or 2, then kill her. so thats just what he did. so a few months after she died he went to a club to find a wife. he found this hot blond and he noticed she was staring at him. he went up to her and asked her if she was available. she said yes and they got married the next day. now a month later he said that it would be nice to have a heater in the shower. the wife agreed and when the wife was taking a shower the husband crept up behind her and tried to kill her. the wife pressed a botton and in seconds there was a swarm of cops. the husband was arrested for life. The wife he had last married was a cop trying to find the killer. she of course got the jack pot.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6482,
"title": "Idiots"
},
{
"body": "My mouth has turned into a flower bed. It has tulips.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6485,
"title": "Flower Bed"
},
{
"body": "At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" Bubba began, \"We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go huntin'?'\" \r\n\r\n\"And then what happened?\" the officer interrupted. \r\n\r\n\"From what I remember,\" Bubba said, \"I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 6489,
"title": "Wanna Go Huntin'?"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a doctor's office. He says, \"Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me! My elbow keeps coming untied. . . my belly button is out of order. . . I can't open my chest. . . I'm losing the leaves in my palm. . . somebody threw my waist in the trash. . . and my foot is only eleven inches!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 6490,
"title": "Oh No!"
},
{
"body": "A woman walks in to the hospital to visit her husband.\r\n\r\nShe talks to the doctor, and the doctor says,\"I have bad news, and worse news.\"\r\n\r\nThe woman starts to cry, asking for the bad news first.\r\n\r\nThe doctor replies,\"The bad news is that your husband only has 24 hours to live.\"\r\n\r\nThe woman starts to cry even more, and now asks for the worse news.\r\n\r\nThe Doctor now replies,\"The worse news is that I have been trying to contact you since yesterday.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 6492,
"title": "Bad And Worst News"
},
{
"body": "Rules For Chocolate\r\n===================================\r\n \r\nIf you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.\r\n\r\nChocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.\r\n\r\nThe problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.\r\n\r\nDiet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.\r\n\r\nA nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?\r\n\r\nIf you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.\r\n\r\nBut if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?\r\n\r\nIf calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.\r\n\r\nIf I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?\r\n\r\nMoney talks. Chocolate sings.\r\n\r\nChocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.\r\n\r\nQ. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? \r\nA. Because no one wants to quit.\r\n\r\nIf not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.\r\n\r\nPut \"eat chocolate\" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6495,
"title": "Rules For Chocolate"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a man and a condom?\r\n\r\nCondoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6496,
"title": "Condoms"
},
{
"body": "What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?\r\n\r\nHaving an erection, walking into a wall, and hurting his nose.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6497,
"title": "Ultimate Embarrassment"
},
{
"body": "What kind of sign does a prostitute hang on her door when she goes on vacation?\r\n\r\n\"GO SCREW YOURSELF!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6499,
"title": "Sign of the Times"
},
{
"body": "Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?\r\n\r\nA. Money.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6500,
"title": "What Drives Women Wild"
},
{
"body": "A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.\r\n\r\nThe blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, and put it on her head to cover up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.\r\n\r\nAs he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. \"Look,\" said the doctor, \"there's no need to get upset about getting glasses.\"\r\n\r\n\"I know,\" agreed the blonde, \"but I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6502,
"title": "Glasses"
},
{
"body": "Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm. \r\n\r\nThe barman shakes his hand and says, \"I hate Indians; last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children.\" He then says, \"If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars.\" \r\n\r\nThe two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. \r\n\r\nThe Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.\r\n\r\nSuddenly, Jeff said, \"Dave, take a look at this.\"\r\n\r\nDave replied, \"Not now, I'm busy.\" \r\n\r\nJeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, \"I really think you should look at this.\"\r\n\r\nDave said, \"Look, you can see I'm busy? There's a thousand dollars in my hand.\" \r\n\r\nBut Jeff was adamant. \"Please, Dave, take a look at this.\" \r\n\r\nSo Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. \r\n\r\nDave just shook his head and said, \"Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6503,
"title": "Take A Look!"
},
{
"body": "A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.\r\n\r\nThe guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.\r\n\r\nThe woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.\r\n\r\nShe spoke to the other bum and said, \"What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!\"\r\n\r\nThe other bum says, \"Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.\"\r\n\r\nHe yells, \"HEY WILLIE! FOR 50 DOLLARS, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6504,
"title": "The Birthday Party"
},
{
"body": "\"Look at ME!\" boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 situps before a group of young people. \r\n\r\n\"Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after loose women!\"\r\n\r\nHe smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, \"And tomorrow -- tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my *90th* birthday!\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, really?\" drawled one of the young onlookers, \"How?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6505,
"title": "Birthday Celebration"
},
{
"body": "One day there is a well-educated man sitting in a redneck bar reading a book. A Redneck happens to wander over to him and asks, \"Whatcha there reading Mister?\"\r\n\r\nThe educated man replies, \"It's a book about logic\".\r\n\r\nConfused, the redneck replies \"Logic? What's logic?\"\r\n\r\nThe educated man explains to the man, \"Logic is the ability to come to a conclusion knowing only one fact. For example, do you own a weed whacker?\"\r\n\r\nThe Redneck shouts, \"Hell yeah I own a weed whacker!\"\r\n\r\nSo the educated man continues, \"Well, if you have a weed whacker, and I know you have a weed whacker, I know you have a lawn. If I know you have a lawn I know you have a house. If you have a house, demographically speaking I can deduce that you are a white male, 35-50 yrs old, and a heterosexual. Therefore, by knowing that you have a weed whacker I know that you are straight. Am I correct?\"\r\n\r\nThe redneck responds flabbergasted \"Hell yeah you're right! I'll be damned\". So the redneck runs back to his friends to tell them about this crazy logic thing. His friend asks \"Logic, what's logic?\"\r\n\r\nThe redneck says, \"Here, I'll show ya... Do you own a weed whacker?\"\r\n\r\nThe friend replies \"No, I don't\"\r\n\r\nThe redneck screams, \"FAGGOT!!!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 6507,
"title": "Weed Whacker"
},
{
"body": "Once there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his father. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy says, \"Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers.\"\r\n\r\n\"Wella Tony,\" Papa said, \"You see this first finger? You use this one to point to where ever you want to. You see your thumb? You use it to turn pages in a book, and your ring finger, you will use when you get married, and your little finger, you use to pick your nose. And the middle finger, well, I'll tell you about that one when you get married.\"\r\n\r\nLittle Tony was satisfied with that and time passed. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding and just before he was leaving with his bride, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.\r\n\r\nTony said, \"Papa, many years ago you told me to use this finger to point at what I want, to turn pages with my thumb, to pick my nose with this little one, and to put my wedding ring on this one, but, Papa, what is it that I do with this middle finger?\"\r\n\r\nPapa drew close to Tony and said, \"Tony, tonight you will make mad hot love to your wife many times, and you may getta tired. When that happens, and your wife turns to you and wants to make love again, that's when you take your middle finger and you poke her on the head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!'\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6508,
"title": "Fingers"
},
{
"body": "A man arrives at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells him that he will remain frozen until his whole family is there. That way, it would stop him from doing anything NOT with his family.\r\n\r\nSo, a couple years pass, and his wife appeared in heaven. She had died of age. She was frozen along with her spouse.\r\n\r\nOne more year passes, and one of their two kids arrive. He had died because he was shot. He was frozen along with them.\r\n\r\nThey all watch many more people enter heaven. They suddenly saw the milkman enter heaven. He did NOT have any family; he was adopted. But for some reason, he was frozen along with them.\r\n\r\nThe woman and the milkman's eyes each grew very big.\r\n\r\nFinally, the last kid died of age MANY years later, and the woman, the angry husband, the milkman, and the 2 kids all were released from being frozen to go to heaven.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 6509,
"title": "When in Heaven"
},
{
"body": "You lose arguments with inanimate objects.\r\n\r\nYou have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.\r\n\r\nYour job is interfering with your drinking.\r\n\r\nYour doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.\r\n\r\nYour career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.\r\n\r\nThe back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.\r\n\r\nYou sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.\r\n\r\n24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!\r\n\r\nTwo hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!\r\n\r\nYou can focus better with one eye closed.\r\n\r\nThe parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.\r\n\r\nYou fall off the floor.\r\n\r\nYour twin sons are named Barley and Hops.\r\n\r\nHey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger; screw dinner!\r\n\r\nMosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.\r\n\r\nAt AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'\r\n\r\nYour idea of cutting back is less salt.\r\n\r\nYou wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.\r\n\r\nThe whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.\r\n\r\nYou think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].\r\n\r\nEvery night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.\r\n\r\nRoseanne looks good.\r\n\r\nDon't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.\r\n\r\nThat damned pink elephant followed me home again.\r\n\r\nI'm as sober as a judge.\r\n\r\nThe shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.\r\n\r\nYou wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 6510,
"title": "Signs that You are Drunk"
},
{
"body": "24 Signs that You're Getting OLD \r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\n\r\n1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. \r\n\r\n2. Your back goes out more than you do.\r\n\r\n3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.\r\n\r\n4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.\r\n\r\n5. You are proud of your lawn mower.\r\n\r\n6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.\r\n\r\n7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.\r\n\r\n8. You sing along with the elevator music.\r\n\r\n9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.\r\n\r\n10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.\r\n\r\n11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.\r\n\r\n12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, \"Did I wake you?\"\r\n\r\n13. You answer a question with, \"Because I said so.\"\r\n\r\n14. You send money to PBS.\r\n\r\n15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.\r\n\r\n16. You take a metal detector to the beach.\r\n\r\n17. You know what the word \"equity\" means.\r\n\r\n18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.\r\n\r\n19. Your ears are hairier than your head.\r\n\r\n20. You talk about \"good grass\" and you're referring to someone's lawn.\r\n\r\n21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.\r\n\r\n22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.\r\n\r\n23. You can go bowling without drinking.\r\n\r\n24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6511,
"title": "24 Signs that You're Getting OLD"
},
{
"body": "Always be smarter than the inanimate object that you're working with.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6512,
"title": "Always Be Smarter"
},
{
"body": "A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.\r\n\r\nThen a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.\r\n\r\nThe next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, \"You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing.\" The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.\r\n\r\nAfter a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. \r\n\r\n\"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income,\" he told them. \"From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.\"\r\n\r\nThe noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.\r\n\r\n\"Look,\" he said, \"I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?\" \r\n\r\n\"A lousy quarter?\" the drum leader exclaimed. \"If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!\" \r\n\r\nAnd the old man enjoyed peace.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6513,
"title": "Retiring in Peace"
},
{
"body": "A guy gets a new job at a bubble gum shop. One day a guy comes in and asks, \"How much is your gum?\" So the guy replies, \"I don't know.\" The customer walks out and the manager comes in and says, \"You should of said 50 cents.\" \r\n\r\nAnother customer comes in and asks, \"How much is your gum?\" The guy says, \"50 cents.\" Then the customer asks, \"Is it fresh,\" and the guy answers, \"I don't know.\" The customer walks out and the manager comes in and says, \"You should have said yes, very very fresh.\" \r\n\r\nSo another customer comes in and says, \"How much is your gum?\" The guys answers, \"50 cents.\" Then the customer asked if it's fresh, to which the guy answers, \"Yes very very fresh.\" The customer then asks, \"Should I buy it?\" The guy answers, \"I don't know.\" The customer walks out and the manager comes in and says to the guy, \"You better do it before somebody else does!\" \r\n\r\nA robber breaks into the shop and says, \"How much money you got?\" and the guy answers, \"50 cents.\" the robber then asks, \"Are you being fresh with me?\" and the guy says, \"Yes, very very fresh.\" Then the robber threatens, \"You want me to kill you?\" to which the guy replies, \"You better do it before somebody else does!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6514,
"title": "Bubble Gum Shop"
},
{
"body": "A man said to his golfing friend, \"I hit two of my best balls yesterday!\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh yeah?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 6517,
"title": "I Hit Two..."
},
{
"body": "You Know You've Been In College Too Long When...\r\n\r\n* You consider McDonald's \"real food.\"\r\n\r\n* You actually like doing laundry at home.\r\n\r\n* 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.\r\n\r\n* It starts getting late on the weeknights.\r\n\r\n* Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.\r\n\r\n* You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.\r\n\r\n* You'd rather clean than study.\r\n\r\n* Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.\r\n\r\n* Computer Solitaire is more than a game it's a way of life.\r\n\r\n* You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.\r\n\r\n* You know the pizza boy by name.\r\n\r\n* You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.\r\n\r\n* You live for getting mail. (E-mail included)\r\n\r\n* Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.\r\n\r\n* Prank phone calls become funny again.\r\n\r\n* Wal-Mart is the coolest store.\r\n\r\n* World War III could take place and you'd be clueless.\r\n\r\n* You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.\r\n\r\n* Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.\r\n\r\n* Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.\r\n\r\n* You find out milk crates have so many uses.\r\n\r\n* The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday. (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night)",
"category": "College",
"id": 6518,
"title": "You Know You've Been In College Too Long When..."
},
{
"body": "Here is a list of the ways professors grade their final exams:\r\n\r\nDEPT OF STATISTICS:\r\nAll grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.\r\n\r\nDEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:\r\nStudents are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.\r\n\r\nDEPT OF HISTORY:\r\nAll students get the same grade they got last year.\r\n\r\nDEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:\r\nWhat is a grade?\r\n\r\nLAW SCHOOL:\r\nStudents are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.\r\n\r\nDEPT OF MATHEMATICS:\r\nGrades are variable.\r\n\r\nDEPT OF LOGIC:\r\nIf and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.\r\n\r\nDEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:\r\nRandom number generator determines grade.\r\n\r\nMUSIC DEPARTMENT:\r\nEach student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6520,
"title": "The Art Of Grading"
},
{
"body": "A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, \"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.\"\r\n\r\nThe woman below replied, \"You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.\"\r\n\r\n\"You must be a teacher,\" said the balloonist.\r\n\r\n\"I am,\" replied the woman. \"How did you know?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" answered the balloonist, \"Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far.\"\r\n\r\nThe woman below responded, \"You must be an administrator.\"\r\n\r\n\"I am,\" replied the balloonist, \"But how did you know?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the woman, \"You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep. You expect someone else to solve your problem, and the fact is you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 6521,
"title": "Hot Air Balloon"
},
{
"body": "What are the first 4 words in the Mexican National Anthem?\r\n\r\n\"Attention all K-Mart shoppers\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6523,
"title": "Mexican Anthem"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA:To get to the shell gas station!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6532,
"title": "Why Did the Turtle....."
},
{
"body": "What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe?\r\nAnswer: Roberto.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6537,
"title": "A Spanish Man"
},
{
"body": "A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, \"All lawyers are assholes!\" He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge. Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, \"Take that back.\" The biker says, \"Why? Are you a lawyer?\" \"No, I'm an asshole.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 6549,
"title": "A Greater Insult"
},
{
"body": "One day a couple of kids named \"Poop\", \"Shut-Up\", and \"Manners\" were on a bus. All of a sudden Poop falls out of the window! Manners jumps out of the bus to save him. \r\n\r\nSo, Shut-Up runs to the bus driver to get some help. The bus driver asks him,\r\n\r\n\"What's your name?!\"\r\n\r\n\"Shut-Up.\"\r\n\r\nAt this point the bus driver is mad. He asks, \"Where are your manners?!\"\r\n\r\nShut-Up replies,\r\n\r\n\"Outside picking up Poop.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6550,
"title": "Poop Shut Up and Manners"
},
{
"body": "Ever wonder why bottled water costs so much when there is so much of it?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nSpell \"evian\" backwards.....",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6557,
"title": "Just So Naive"
},
{
"body": "There are 3 religious truths:\r\n\r\nJews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah\r\n\r\nProtestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian Faith\r\n\r\nBaptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 6560,
"title": "Religious Truths"
},
{
"body": "ok, \r\n\r\nIf the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the Jags, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers known as Bucs, what does that make the Tennessee Titans?",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 6561,
"title": "Football Boobies"
},
{
"body": "Definitions For Parents\r\n-----------------------------------------------------------\r\nDUMB WAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.\r\n\r\nFAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance\r\napart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.\r\n\r\nFEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the\r\nstrained carrots.\r\n\r\nFULL NAME: What you call you child when you're mad at him.\r\n\r\nGRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even\r\nthough they're sure you're not raising them right.\r\n\r\nHEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.\r\n\r\nIMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.\r\n\r\nINDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do\r\neverything we say.\r\n\r\nOW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.\r\n\r\nPRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.\r\n\r\nPUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing\r\ndry shoes into it.\r\n\r\nSHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.\r\n\r\nSTERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it\r\nand to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.\r\n\r\nTOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.\r\n\r\nTWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins\r\nto make those familiar grunting noises.\r\n\r\nVERBAL: Able to whine in words.\r\n\r\nWHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6562,
"title": "Definitions For Parents"
},
{
"body": "You Know You're A Mom When...\r\n\r\n \r\n* Your feet stick to the kitchen floor..... and you don't care.\r\n\r\n* When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.\r\n\r\n* You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.\r\n\r\n* You spend an entire week wearing sweats.\r\n\r\n* Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.\r\n\r\n* Popsicles become a food staple.\r\n\r\n* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.\r\n\r\n* Peanut butter and jelly is eaten in at least one meal a day.\r\n\r\n* You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.\r\n\r\n* Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.\r\n\r\n* Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc., and you think it's funny.\r\n\r\n* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!\r\n\r\n* Spit is your number one cleaning agent.\r\n\r\n* You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 am and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.\r\n\r\n* In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.\r\n\r\n* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.\r\n\r\n* The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice krispie bars.\r\n\r\n* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.\r\n\r\n* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.\r\n\r\n* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.\r\n\r\n* Your kid throws up and you catch it.\r\n\r\n* Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.\r\n\r\n* You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.\r\n\r\n* You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.\r\n\r\n* You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6564,
"title": "You Know You're A Mom When..."
},
{
"body": "The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it. \r\n\r\nThe children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, \"He's been around here a long time - we'll miss him.\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" Mom replied, \"But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes.\" \r\n\r\nAnother child offered, \"Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him.\" \r\n\r\nBut Mom was firm. \"It's time to take Danny to his new home now,\" she insisted. \"Go and get his cage.\" \r\n\r\nWith one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, \"Danny? We thought you said Daddy!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6565,
"title": "The Hamster"
},
{
"body": "Two friends were talking.\r\n\r\nThe first one said to the other, \"Hey, have you seen the movie, \"Constipated\" yet?\"\r\n\r\nThe other replied, \"Of course not! It hasn't come out yet.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 6566,
"title": "Constipated"
},
{
"body": "Students... Take Note:\r\n\r\nKnowledge is power ...\r\n\r\nBut power corrupts ...\r\n\r\nAnd corruption is a crime ...\r\n\r\nAnd crime doesn't pay ...\r\n\r\nSo if you keep on studying you'll go broke!",
"category": "College",
"id": 6568,
"title": "Attention Students!"
},
{
"body": "Two Alabama State Trooper Patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Camaro heading east towards Georgia on I-90. \r\n\r\nWhen the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over immediately. The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, \"Sarge, why'd you stop?\"\r\n\r\n\"You dumb rookie,\" replied the Sarge. \"He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 6576,
"title": "Hot Pursuit"
},
{
"body": "A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.\r\n\r\nAs the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. \r\n\r\nThe Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.\r\n\r\nThis really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day. \r\n\r\nThe next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..\r\n\r\n\"I thought I told you yesterday to get out of here.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 6577,
"title": "Meeting the Pope"
},
{
"body": "After every line I type, say out loud to yourself, Hairy Pickle\r\n\r\nThere once was a guy named \r\n\r\nHe lived in a town called\r\n\r\nNobody did like\r\n\r\nSo they hung him buy his",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6580,
"title": "Hairy Pickle"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was at an airport. She was excited, as this would be her very first time riding in a plane; she was flying to see her relatives, so she was at the airport, when she realized she had to buy a ticket.\r\n\r\nSo she goes up to the counter where they are selling tickets. She says to the clerk, \"Yes, I'd like 1 ticket to New Jersey, please.\"\r\n\r\nThe clerk looks at her and says, \"One-way, or round trip?\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde replies, \"One way.\"\r\n\r\nSo she buys her ticket, and hurries off. A little later, though, she comes right back to the same clerk. She says, \"Yes, I'd like 1 ticket to New Jersey, one way, please.\"\r\n\r\nThe clerk looks at her strangely, but still hands her another ticket.\r\n\r\nShe hurries off, and yet again comes back to the desk to buy another ticket.\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I'd li---\"\r\n\r\nShe was interrupted by the clerk, who was obviously fed up by now. She yelled at the blonde, \"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? YOU KEEP COMING BACK FOR MORE AND MORE TICKETS! WHY?\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde replies, \"I... don't .. know..!\" She breaks out in tears, then continues her sentence, \"This stupid guy keeps coming up to me and ripping my ticket in half!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6581,
"title": "Plane Ticket"
},
{
"body": "A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.\r\n\r\nAfter 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.\r\n\r\nSwoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, \"Take another drink!\" The bartender stood still, shaking his head in amazement.\r\n\r\nSwoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, cried for his son to drink again. The patrons continued their chant: \"Take another drink!\"\r\n\r\nBut the bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the whole affair.\r\n\r\nBy now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out.\r\n\r\nBy now the bar was in chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God. The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left, then to the right, then right through the front door, and into the street, where a truck ran smack into him, killing him instantly.\r\n\r\nThe bar fell silent. The father began to softly moan in grief. The bartender picked up the boy's empty glass, and began to clean it, muttering, \"That boy should have quit while he was a head.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6582,
"title": "Quit While You're..."
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so stupid, she thought that Tiger Woods was a place that was dangerous.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6584,
"title": "Tiger Woods"
},
{
"body": "A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, \"What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!\" \r\n\r\nThe doctor chimed in, \"I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!\"\r\n\r\nThe pastor said, \"Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.\"\r\n\r\n\"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?\"\r\n\r\nThe greens keeper replied, \"Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.\"\r\n\r\nThe group was silent for a moment.\r\n\r\nThe pastor said, \"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor said, \"Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.\"\r\n\r\nThe engineer said, \"Why can't these guys play at night?\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 6585,
"title": "Golfing"
},
{
"body": "Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Oakland Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.\r\n\r\nThen one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away! He threw another grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away! A car passes going 80 miles (120 km) an hour, and he send another grenade right into the barely open window. \"I've got to get this guy,\" Al says to himself, \"He has the perfect arm!\" \r\n\r\nSo he brings him to the States and teaches him the game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.\r\n\r\nThe young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXIII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.\r\n\r\n\"Mom,\" the young man says into the receiver, \"I just won the SuperBowl.\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't want to talk to you, \" the old woman says, \"You deserted us. You're not my son.\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't think you understand, mother,\" the young man pleads, \"I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans.\"\r\n\r\n\"No, let me tell you,\" the mother implores. \"At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad daylight...\"\r\n\r\nThe old lady pauses, then says through her tears, \"I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 6586,
"title": "War Zone"
},
{
"body": "Fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks: \"Any luck?\"\r\n\r\n\"Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday,\" he boasts.\r\n\r\n\"Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?\" asks the stranger.\r\n\r\n\"Nope.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, meet the new game warden.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh,\" gulped the fisherman. \"Well, do you know who I am?\"\r\n\r\n\"Nope.\"\r\n\r\n\"Meet the biggest liar in the state!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 6587,
"title": "Great Fishing"
},
{
"body": "A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.\r\n\r\nImmediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.\r\n\r\nAfter about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.\r\n\r\n\"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!\" the Warden gasped.\r\n\r\nWith that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.\r\n\r\n\"Well, son,\" said the Game Warden. \"You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, sir,\" replied the young guy. \"But my friend back there, well, he don't have one.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 6588,
"title": "Fishing Lure"
},
{
"body": "My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.\r\n\r\nThen I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.\r\n\r\nAfter that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.\r\n\r\nNext I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.\r\n\r\nI wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.\r\n\r\nI attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.\r\n\r\nMy best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.\r\n\r\nI studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.\r\n\r\nNext was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.\r\n\r\nI became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.\r\n\r\nI thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.\r\n\r\nI managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.\r\n\r\nMy last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.\r\n\r\nAfter many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 6592,
"title": "My Jobs"
},
{
"body": "What do you call the best fishermen in the state?\r\n\r\n\r\nMaster Baiters",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6596,
"title": "Fishermen"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so stupid, she tried to cut through a safe with a Laser Tag gun!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6601,
"title": "Laser Tag"
},
{
"body": "A young brunette used to always wonder why her blonde best friend would get A's on all her tests and the brunette would get A-'s.\r\nShe thought that was a little weird, so one day she asked her friend why she got better grades, and her friend said that she just copied the answers out of her book, so the brunette said, \"But none of them were open book,\" and the blonde says, \"Oh, that might explain why no one was using their books!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6602,
"title": "Test Grades"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nA: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as \"The Lawyer\", and the party of the second part, also known as \"The Light Bulb\", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second party (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.\r\n\r\nThe aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:\r\n\r\n1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore-mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.\r\n\r\n2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (\"Receptacle\"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.\r\n\r\n3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part(\"New Light Bulb\"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.\r\n\r\nNOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as \"The Firm\".",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 6604,
"title": "How Many Lawyers...?"
},
{
"body": "In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6605,
"title": "Conway's Law"
},
{
"body": "The law of drunkenness- You can't fall off the floor.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6606,
"title": "The Law of Drunkenness"
},
{
"body": "Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6607,
"title": "Weiler's Law"
},
{
"body": "Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6608,
"title": "The Law of Motivation"
},
{
"body": "A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars. and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. \r\n\r\nIn his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost \"in series of small fires.\" The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.... and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.\r\n\r\nThe judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the \"fires\".\r\n\r\nNOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and Was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.\r\n\r\nThis is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.\r\n\r\nONLY IN AMERICA!",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 6609,
"title": "True Lawyer Story"
},
{
"body": "I didn't lose my mind, I just let it wander and it never came back. I miss it so much.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6616,
"title": "My Mind"
},
{
"body": "A blond, brunette, and redhead are talking. The blond asks the brunette, \"Where did you get those hair streaks?\" She answers, \"Its natural.\" The brunette asks the redhead the same question. \"Its natural.\" she answers. The redhead and brunette ask the blond, \"How did you get that green streak in your hair?\" She answers, \"Phhnnnggg,\" (As she blows her nose on her hand and puts it through her hair) \"Its natural.''",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6619,
"title": "Hair Streaks"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat she tried on Orion's belt.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6621,
"title": "Fat"
},
{
"body": "Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.\r\n\r\nSo the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, \"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.\"\r\n\r\nThe blind man replies, \"If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6628,
"title": "The Blind Man"
},
{
"body": "I was soooo ugly when I was born that my mum got morning sickness after I was born.\r\n\r\nThe doctor came in to the waiting room after I was born and told my dad, \"We did everything we could, but he pulled through.\"\r\n\r\nI've never been able to understand why my bath toys were a radio and a toaster.\r\n\r\nAnd when I play in the sandpit, the cat always covers me up.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6630,
"title": "Ugly Baby"
},
{
"body": "Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans-\r\n \r\n1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets.\r\n\r\nThis is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.\r\n\r\n2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused.(Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)\r\n\r\n3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.\r\n\r\n4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.\r\n\r\n5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.\r\n\r\n6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.\r\n\r\n7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.\r\n\r\n8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).\r\n\r\n9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.\r\n\r\n10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6631,
"title": "Mind Games That Dogs Play With Humans"
},
{
"body": "14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR\r\n \r\nPass My Shotgun\r\nPsychotic Mood Shift\r\nPerpetual Munching Spree\r\nPuffy Mid-Section\r\nPeople Make Me Sick\r\nProvide Me with Sweets\r\nPardon My Sobbing\r\nPimples May Surface\r\nPass My Sweatpants\r\nPissy Mood Syndrome\r\nPlainly; Men Suck\r\nPack My Stuff\r\nPermanent Menstrual Syndrome",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6633,
"title": "14 Things PMS Stands For"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between a blond and a toothbrush?\r\n\r\nA: You don't lend a toothbrush to your best friend.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6641,
"title": "Toothbrush"
},
{
"body": "What was the female math book that lived underwater wearing?\r\n\r\nAn algae-bra",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6642,
"title": "Math Book"
},
{
"body": "1970: Wore long hair\r\n2001: Longing for hair\r\n\r\n1970: Sitting around thinking of the perfect high.\r\n2001: Sitting around thinking of the perfect high yield mutual fund.\r\n\r\n1970: Finding a friend to split the price of a keg.\r\n2001: Finding a friend to take me to have an EKG.\r\n\r\n1970: Sitting through sessions of Acid Rock.\r\n2001: Sitting through sessions of Acid Reflux.\r\n\r\n1970: Thinking of moving to a real kool place.\r\n2001: Thinking of moving to a real warm place.\r\n\r\n1970: News stories of people growing pot.\r\n2001: The reality of growing a pot belly.\r\n\r\n1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with my mother and sister.\r\n2001: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with my grown children.\r\n\r\n1970: Trying to look like Richard Rountree or Ron O'Neal.\r\n2001: Trying NOT to look like Richard Rountree or Ron O'Neal.\r\n\r\n1970: Chewing on seeds and stems.\r\n2001: Chewing on lots of roughage.\r\n\r\n1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.\r\n2001: Popping joints, needing those pills.\r\n\r\n1970: Noting our president's struggle with Fidel.\r\n2001: Noting our president's struggle with fidelity.\r\n\r\n1970: Admiring JACK PAAR.\r\n2001: Joining AARP\r\n\r\n1970: Avoiding Killer weed.\r\n2001: Avoiding Weed killer.\r\n\r\n1970: Hoping to \"get lucky\" on a date.\r\n2001: Hoping you won't catch anything from your \"lucky\" date.\r\n\r\n1970: Reading about The Grateful Dead.\r\n2001: Reading about Dr. Kevorkian.\r\n\r\n1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.\r\n2001: Getting a new hip joint.\r\n\r\n1970: Listening to the Rolling Stones.\r\n2001: Struggling with kidney stones.\r\n\r\n1970: Yelling, \"Screw the system!\"\r\n2001: Reminding yourself to, \"Upgrade the stupid system!\"\r\n\r\n1970: Throwing the Peace sign.\r\n2001: Watching the Mercedes logo.\r\n\r\n1970: Friends who wouldn't get their hair cut.\r\n2001: Children begging to get their heads shaved.\r\n\r\n1970: Talking to friends about taking acid.\r\n2001: Talking to friends about taking antacid.\r\n\r\n1970: Proud to be passing the driver's test.\r\n2001: Barely passing the vision test.\r\n\r\n1970: \"Whatever\" was a typical response.\r\n2001: \"That Depends\" is the way to go.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6643,
"title": "What A Difference 31 Years Make..."
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the boy wear a diaper to the party?\r\n\r\nA: He didn't want to be a party pooper.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6644,
"title": "Why Did the Boy...?"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you do when your nose goes on strike?\r\n\r\nA: Pick it.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 6645,
"title": "Nose On Strike"
},
{
"body": "In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals. The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered. \r\n\r\nNow the farmer took this incident very seriously, so he started an investigation. Unfortunately, the only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit.\r\n\r\nSince the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered the little pig, the farmer lined up his four prime suspects, a cow, a horse, a goat, and a duck, and told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the dirty deed.\r\n\r\nThe rabbit hopped up and down the line, checking each animal, and then finally hopped forward three feet, and stopped in front of the goat.\r\n\r\n\"It wasn't me! It wasn't me!\" yelled the goat.\r\n\r\nThe farmer shook his head and said, \"The hare's looking at you, kid.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6647,
"title": "Farm Murder"
},
{
"body": "FRIEND: You don't look so good, what's wrong?\r\nHARRY: I got domestic trouble.\r\nFRIEND: But Harry you always said your wife was a pearl.\r\nHARRY: Yeah its the mother of pearl that's the problem.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6648,
"title": "Pearls..."
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school?\r\n\r\nA: They are the only ones who erase their \r\nnotebook when the teacher erases the board.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6649,
"title": "Erasing the Slate"
},
{
"body": "Rules for the dog-\r\n_______________________\r\n\r\n1. The dog is not allowed in the house.\r\n\r\n2. Ok, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain parts.\r\n\r\n3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.\r\n\r\n4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.\r\n\r\n5. Fine, the dog allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.\r\n\r\n6. Ok, the dog is allowed on the bed but by invitation only.\r\n\r\n7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.\r\n\r\n8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.\r\n\r\n9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.\r\n\r\n10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6653,
"title": "Dog Rules"
},
{
"body": "Q: What does a blonde do when it gets cold? \r\nA: Sits around a candle \r\nQ: What does she do when it gets really cold? \r\nA: Lights it",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6654,
"title": "Candel"
},
{
"body": "A young lady came home from a date looking rather sad. She told her mother, \"Arthur proposed to me an hour ago.\"\r\n\r\n\"Then why are you so sad?\" her mother asked.\r\n\r\n\"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell.\"\r\n\r\nHer mother replied, \"Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 6656,
"title": "An Atheist's Hell"
},
{
"body": "The football players were doing very well in their games, but when it came to academics, they were failing. So the administrater of the school, who desired all of his students to graduate, talked to the coach of the football team and said, \"Coach, if ONE of your football players can answer a single math problem, I will not get rid of the football team, but if he gets it wrong, I'm afraid I will have to throw out the team. When the team was gathered up and a player was selected to answer the problem, the administrator asked him, \"Okay, what is 3 + 4?\" The football player thought and thought and thought and thought. After five hours and multiple countings on his fingers, the player said, \"Seven!\" The coach raised his arms and pleaded, \"Give him another chance, please!!!!!!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 6657,
"title": "Ooops, Coach!"
},
{
"body": "A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from his store on a regular basis and would like some more.\r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry,\" says the pharmacist, \"we don't have any.\"\r\n\r\n\"But I always buy it here.\" says the blonde.\r\n\r\n\"Do you have the container that it came in?\" asks the pharmacist.\r\n\r\n\"YES,\" said the blonde, \"I'll go home and get it.\"\r\n\r\nShe returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, \"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant\"\r\n\r\nAnnoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...\r\n\"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6658,
"title": "Rectum Deodorant"
},
{
"body": "A redneck taped toilet paper to his television.\r\n\r\nHe said, \"Hey, lookie here, now we have free paper view!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 6659,
"title": "Paper TV"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?\r\n \r\nA: He got pissed off.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6660,
"title": "Ants in Yer Pants"
},
{
"body": "A road crew is making a giant freeway, when they come across a sign and a lever. The sign reads \"pull lever and end world\". The workers decide not to pull the lever just in case.\r\n\r\nOne night, a man named Nate is driving home. He does not see the sign, so he gets out of his car, and crosses the road to pull the lever. But, on his way there, he was run over by the car, and was never to be seen again.\r\n\r\nThe moral of the story?\r\n\r\nBetter Nate Than Lever!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6662,
"title": "The Lever"
},
{
"body": "A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach.\r\n\r\nThe marriage counselor told him, \"If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6663,
"title": "Be Bolder"
},
{
"body": "A newlywed couple was walking together, and needed to cross a busy street. They saw Officer Ed. He was controlling traffic, so he said to them in a sarcastic and nasty voice, \"Oh, so you just want me to clear traffic so you snots can get across? Oh, sure, I'll do that!\"\r\n\r\nSo the couple starts to thank him, when he says, \"I don't know why you're walking on this nasty day, anyway! It's just about to rain!\"\r\n\r\nThe couple looked up in the sky, but didn't see a cloud in sight. They decided not to say anything, and went across the walkway as Officer Ed stopped the traffic.\r\n\r\nAlthough, sure enough, it started to rain as soon as they had crossed. It just so happens that the man and the woman were songwriters, and they wrote a classic Christmas tune.\r\n\r\nOh, don't you know it? It goes like this:\r\n\r\n\"Rude Officer Ed knows the rain, dear...\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6664,
"title": "Rude Officer Ed"
},
{
"body": "A man was on a game show. He was on his final question; all he had to do was answer that question right, and he would win 1 million dollars!\r\n\r\nThe game show host said, \"All right, for your final question: 'What are the names of three of Santa's reindeer?'\"\r\n\r\nThe man grinned and said, \"Dasher!\"\r\n\r\nThe game show host said, \"Correct!\"\r\n\r\n\"Comet!\"\r\n\r\n\"Correct! What is the last name?\"\r\n\r\nThe man yelled, \"Olive!\"\r\n\r\nThe game show host was confused and said, \"Why Olive?\"\r\n\r\nThe contestent looked at him strangely and said, \"Oh, don't you know? 'Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...'\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6665,
"title": "Game Show"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's weirder than a talking dog?\r\n\r\nA: A spelling bee!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6667,
"title": "What's Weirder?"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock.\r\n\r\nWho's There?\r\n\r\nCargo.\r\n\r\nCargo Who?\r\n\r\nCar Go \"Beep, Beep!\"",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 6668,
"title": "Cargo"
},
{
"body": "According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6670,
"title": "12 Year Old's Pocket"
},
{
"body": "\"Live in a way such that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.\"\r\n\r\n-- Will Rogers, Humorist",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6671,
"title": "Will's Humor"
},
{
"body": "You're so broke, your bologna doesn't have a first name.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 6672,
"title": "Broke"
},
{
"body": "Kock-knock.\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nPlease.\r\n\r\nPlease who?\r\n\r\nIt's the police! Open the door!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 6675,
"title": "Police"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to get the mail it measures on the Richter scale.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6681,
"title": "EARTHQUAKE!"
},
{
"body": "Remember- There's a light at the end of every tunnel... just hope it's not a train!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6683,
"title": "There's a Light..."
},
{
"body": "Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, \"Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?\"\r\n\r\n\"I think so,\" the man replied. \"My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't mean that,\" the priest responded. \"I mean, are you prepared spiritually?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, sure,\" came the reply. \"I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 6686,
"title": "Redneck Baptism"
},
{
"body": "Recently, my redneck neighbors invited me to a party. Here was our conversation:\r\n\r\n\"Hey dude! Where are you man? We're having a great party over here. Why don't you come on over and join us?\"\r\n\r\nI replied, \"Man, I'm not feeling so good. I think I'm gonna stay right here.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, hey. What'cha got?\" they asked.\r\n\r\n\"I got a case of diarrhea,\" I responded.\r\n\r\n\"Well heck, bring it along. These fools will drink anything!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 6687,
"title": "Redneck Party"
},
{
"body": "Why is it called a soap opera when nobody sings?\r\n\r\nCan a unborn baby fart or burp?\r\n\r\nIf a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness worse than a general illness?\r\n\r\nWhy don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better than root beer floats?\r\n\r\nWhat is the point in saying \"may I ask\" and then follow it up with a question? \r\n\r\nIs it possible to be allergic to water?\r\n \r\nWhen an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court, do they have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't believe in God?\r\n\r\nIf a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it? \r\n\r\nWhy does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.\r\n\r\nHow come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?\r\n\r\nIsn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of explosives, a lighter, and say have fun?\r\n\r\nHow come lotion is colored, but when you put it on, it doesn't turn your skin that color?\r\n\r\nDoesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?\r\n\r\nAre there pink lemons that make pink lemonade?\r\n\r\nWhy do we say \"heads up\" when we actually duck?\r\n \r\nWhat's a question with no answer called?\r\n\r\nHow do \"do not walk on grass\" signs get there?\r\n\r\nWhen a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?\r\n\r\nIf there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?\r\n\r\nWhat was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?\r\n\r\nCan a fire truck park in the fire lane?\r\n\r\nWho was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out\"?\r\n\r\nIf electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?\r\n\r\nCan you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?\r\n\r\n\"Cute as a button\". Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?\r\n\r\nWhy are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?\r\n\r\nWhy can't you get a tan on your palms?\r\n\r\nAnd Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6688,
"title": "More Of Life's Unanswered Questions"
},
{
"body": "A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new Ferrari convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.\r\n\r\n\"Miss,\" the salesperson said, \"this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire.\"\r\n\r\nSo after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway.\r\n\r\n\"Country Music,\" she said, and instantly a country crooner was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, \"Oldies,\" and instantly she heard \"Blueberry Hill.\"\r\n\r\nA few minutes later, a guy in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic.\r\n\r\n\"Stupid, inconsiderate prick!\" she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, \"Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Phil.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6698,
"title": "New Car"
},
{
"body": "A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, \"Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay.\"\r\n\r\nHis mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, \"You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?\"\r\n\r\nThe guy said nervously, \"Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right.\"\r\n\r\nHis mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, \"Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6699,
"title": "Bad Food?"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?\r\nKids don't eat broccoli.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6706,
"title": "Boogers And Broccoli!"
},
{
"body": "I wish my name was Gary Boone! Do you wanna know why? Because, then, my name could be goon... you see, because you take the \"G\" from Gary and the \"oone\" from Boone to get Goon!\r\n\r\nBut, you know, that's not the worst nickname. The person that does have the worst nickname is my friend, Phil Hart. I can't even tell you what we call him...",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6708,
"title": "I Wish..."
},
{
"body": "Teacher: \"Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?\"\r\n\r\nJohnny: \"I don't know.\"\r\n\r\nTeacher: \"Bark, Johnny, bark.\"\r\n\r\nJohnny: \"Bow, wow, wow!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6709,
"title": "Outside of Tree"
},
{
"body": "Enter MEXICO illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense. Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical carefor you and your entire family. Try driving around as a Gringo in Mexico with no liability insurance,and have an accident. Demand bilingual nurses and doctors. \r\nDemand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc. \r\nProcreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, \"It is a cultural UnitedStates thing. You would not understand, pal.\" \r\n Demand classes on American culture in the Mexican school system. \r\nDemand a local Mexican driver license. This will afford other legalrights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal,presence in Mexico. \r\nInsist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all itsofficers.\r\nThis will never work in the real world. So why do we let them do it to us?",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6710,
"title": "Illegal Immigration"
},
{
"body": "Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. \r\nBy the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. \r\n\r\nSomehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady. \r\n\r\nTwenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. \"I NEED FOOD!\" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. \r\n\r\n\"NO!\" Joe retorts. \"We promised.\" \r\n\r\nFive more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock. \r\n\r\n\"Just for that, I'm not going.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6712,
"title": "Turtles and Picnics"
},
{
"body": "The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.\r\n\r\nFinally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.\r\n\r\n\"No,\" the inmate said, \"just get it over with.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?\" said the guard. \"You didn't even want a special last meal!\"\r\n\r\nThe inmate thought. \"Actually,\" he said, \"Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.\"\r\n\r\nThe guard nodded and told him to go ahead.\r\n\r\nThe inmate started, \"One billion bottles of beer on the wall...\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6713,
"title": "My Last Request!"
},
{
"body": "A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, \"Dear, would you like to say the blessing?\"\r\n \r\n\"I wouldn't know what to say,\" replied the little girl, shyly. \r\n\r\n\"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie,\" the woman said. \r\n\r\nHer daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, \"Dear Lord, why the heck did I invite all these people to dinner!?!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6716,
"title": "Say What Mommy Says"
},
{
"body": "Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marajiuana,\r\nJack got high and unzipped his fly and Jill said I don't wanna.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6717,
"title": "Naughty Jack"
},
{
"body": "Recently a family court judge was interviewing a 15 yr. old boy, asking him which parent he wanted to live with, his mother or father? The kid said he didn't want to live with either one -- that both of them beat him all the time. The kid said he wanted to live with the Dallas Cowboys -- they never beat anybody!",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 6728,
"title": "Old Standards"
},
{
"body": "One drunk to another: \"Have you ever been so drunk you'd kiss a woman's stomach?\" Second drunk: \"I've been drunker than that!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 6730,
"title": "Two Drunks"
},
{
"body": "A black female is having trouble with her menses. She goes to the gynecologist and he asks: \"Mrs. Williams, what kind of flow do you have?\" \"Linoleum\" she replies.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 6731,
"title": "OBGYN Visit"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a prostitute, your mistress and your wife? \r\n\r\nThe prostitute says, \"Are you done yet?\" \r\n\r\nYour mistress says, \"You're not done yet!\" \r\n\r\nAnd your wife says, \"Beige, I think we ought to paint the ceiling beige.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 6732,
"title": "Differences"
},
{
"body": "Indian chief addressing the tribe says: \"I've got good news an bad news. The bad news is 5000 college students just moved next door to the reservation ... good news is, they taste like buffalo.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6733,
"title": "Neighbors"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a \"fox\" and a \"dog?\" About 6 drinks.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 6734,
"title": "Drunk"
},
{
"body": "Did you know in 1923, the following men were considered some of the world's most successful men . . . at least they found the secret of making money. Whereas, in 1987, more than 60 yrs. later, do you know what became of these men?\r\n\r\nThe president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. The president of the largest gas company, Howard Hopson, went insane. The president of the New York Stock Exchange, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad insolvent. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself and the greatest bear on Wall Street, Casabee Rivermore, died by suicide.\r\n\r\nThe same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazen, won the US Open and the PGA tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.\r\n\r\nConclusion: Stop worrying about business and play golf!",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 6735,
"title": "Joy of Golf"
},
{
"body": "Liberals want to solve the marijuana problem by making it legal.\r\n\r\nConservatives want to solve the wife-beating problem by making it legal.\r\n\r\nLiberals want to strike down all abortion laws, so that unwanted babies can be killed off before they're born.\r\n\r\nConservatives want to strike down the welfare laws, so that unwanted babies can be starved to death after they're born.\r\n\r\nThe conservative would prevent rape by locking up his wife and daughters.\r\n\r\nThe liberal would prevent rape by legalizing prostitution. Neither considers locking up rapists, because the liberal says it's society's fault and the conservative says it costs too much money.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6736,
"title": "POLS"
},
{
"body": "It's impossible to be a participant in the march of time and not get a few blisters.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6737,
"title": "Live!"
},
{
"body": "There was a girl named Rachel. She had a cat named Love. \r\nOne day, Rachel was taking a shower. \r\n\r\nWhen she got out, she yelled for her cat, Love, but saw that the cat had escaped. \r\n\r\nShe was still in her towel but she walked outside anyways. \r\n\r\nA cop pulled around the corner and said, \"Excuse me, Miss. What are you doing out here?\" \r\n\r\nRachel replied, \"Looking for Love!!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6739,
"title": "Looking For Love"
},
{
"body": "Nobody can breathe out of their nose and mouth at the same time.\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\nYou know, 95% of the people who read this try to do it...well, it's impossible!!! DUH!!!! (lol)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6740,
"title": "Nobody Can!"
},
{
"body": "Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix a roof. While they are on the roof, a herd of cattle run by and knock down the ladder and leave a big pile of poop behind.\r\n \r\nThe two brunettes decide to make the blonde check how deep the poop is so they can jump down. So the blonde jumps down and yells, \"It's only ankle deep.\" \r\n\r\nSo the two brunettes jump down and scream, \"What are you talking about?! It's up to our heads!\" \r\n\r\nAnd the blonde replies, \"Well, I jumped in head first.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6741,
"title": "True Blonde"
},
{
"body": "*Types Password*\r\n\r\n-Penis\r\n\r\n~We're sorry, the password you have entered isn't long enough.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6742,
"title": "Password"
},
{
"body": "yo momma's so fat that when she stepped on an air-plane she got arrested for 800 pounds of crack.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6744,
"title": "Plane"
},
{
"body": "You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do?\r\n \r\nShoot the lawyer twice.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 6745,
"title": "What Do You Do?"
},
{
"body": "This joke is kind of dated but it's still funny.\r\nAl Gore, Bill, Hilary, and Chelsea Clinton were all riding in the Airforce One. Out of the blue Gore says, \"I could throw a hundred, one dollar bills out the window and make a hundred people happy.\" Bill says, \"Well I could throw ten, ten dollar bills out the window, and make ten people very happy.\" Hilary, not wanting to be left out, says \"Well I could throw one, one hundred dollar bill out the window and make one person extremely happy.\" Chelsea rolled her eyes and said \"Well i could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole nation happy!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6746,
"title": "AF1 Monkeys"
},
{
"body": "The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.\r\n(read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.) \r\n\r\nQ: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? \r\nA: What for? He can't see my license plate. \r\n\r\nQ: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? \r\nA: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, \"Guns don't kill people. I do.\" \r\n\r\nQ: When driving through fog, what should you use?\r\nA: Your car. \r\n\r\nQ: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?\r\nA: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys. \r\n\r\nQ: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving.\r\nA: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. \r\n\r\nQ: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?\r\nA: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. \r\n\r\nQ: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?\r\nA: Make eye contact and wave \"hello\" if he/she is cute. \r\n\r\nQ: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?\r\nA: The color. \r\n\r\nQ: How do you deal with heavy traffic?\r\nA: Heavy psychedelics. \r\n\r\nQ: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?\r\nA: Carry loaded weapons.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6747,
"title": "Driver's Education"
},
{
"body": "When I was in high school I had a friend who had a wooden eye (this was a long time ago). He was very insecure about it. Come senior year he didn't have a date for the Prom. There was a beautiful girl he liked, but had a hairlip (this gave her an extreme lisp) we decided to set them up. He goes up to her and asks her out to the Prom. She said, \"Oh, wouldn't I, wouldn't I?\" and he said, \"Hairlip, hairlip.\" and they never spoke again.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6749,
"title": "Wooden Eye"
},
{
"body": "Ghetto Test \r\n\r\n\r\nIf the statement is true add the points in parenthesis to your score. \r\nScoring is given at the bottom of the test. \r\n\r\n1. You've ever used an album cover or old envelope for a dustpan. (5 points) \r\n2. You've ever put foil on your TV antennas to get better reception. (8 points) \r\n3. You've ever had to use pliers to turn your TV on. (7points) \r\n4. You had to come in the house when the street lights came on. (6 points) \r\n5. You had a candy lady in your neighborhood. (5 + 5 extra points if your house was the candy lady) \r\n6. If you can count more than five police cars in your neighborhood on a daily basis. (3 points) \r\n7. If you ever had to pick your own switch or belt. (3 points for each) \r\n8. If you've ever been beaten with an extension cord. (15 points) \r\n9. If you have ever had to walk to or home from school. (2 points) \r\n10. If you've ever passed someone a note asking \"Do you like me?\" or \"Can I have a chance?\" check _yes, _no or _maybe. (7 points) \r\n11. If you have ever used dish washing liquid for bubble bath. (9points) \r\n12. If you have ever mixed up some Kool-Aid and the found that you didn't have any sugar. (4 points & add 4 if you put the pitcher in the refrigerator until you got some sugar) \r\n13. If you have ever played any of the following games. (2 points each): (hide and go seek, freeze tag, captain or momma may I?, or red light..yellow light..green light 123!) \r\n14. If your neighborhood had an ice cream man. (2 points + 2 if he rang a bell + 5 if he played R&B) \r\n15. If you remember any of the following candies. (1 point each): cherry clans, lemon heads, Alexander the grape, ring pops, Chico sticks, baked beans, candy cigarettes, powder packs with the white dip stick, big league chew, \"Wine\" Candy (jolly ranchers), jaw breakers, and candy necklaces. \r\n16. If you refer to Now and Laters candies as \"Nighladers\". (6 points) \r\n17. If you've ever ran from the police on foot. (5 points + 5 if you got away) \r\n18. If you remember underoos or the Wonder Woman bra and panty set. (6 points + 4 if you owned some) \r\n19. If you've ever had reusable grease in a container on your stove. (5 points) \r\n20. The batteries in your remote control are held in by a piece of tape. (5 points) \r\n21. If you've ever used any of the following for drinking glasses. (3 points each): jelly jars, mayonnaise jars, mason jars, or peanut butter jars. \r\n22. You've ever covered your furniture in plastic. (2 points) \r\n23. The heels of your feet have ever looked like you had been kicking flour. (1point) \r\n24. If you have ever worn any of the following fragrances. (1 point each): Brute, Hai Karate, Jean Nate, Old Spice, Chloe, English Leather, Stetson, Charlie, or Faberge'. \r\n25. You've ever used Tussy. (9 points) \r\n26. You've never been to the dentist. (10 points + 10 if you've never been to the doctor.) \r\n27. You've ever wore clothes with the tag still on them. (4 points) \r\n28. If you're acquainted with someone with a name as follows. (3 points): Kay-Kay, Lee-Lee, Ree-Ree, Ray-Ray, etc. \r\n29. You have ever paged yourself for any reason. (3 points) \r\n30. You've ever worn house shoes outside of the house. (2 points) \r\n31. You add \"ED\" or \"T\" to the end of words already in the past tense (for example, Tooked, Light-Skinneded, kilt, ruint, etc). (3 points) \r\n32. You pronounce words like this (1 point for each example you can think of skrimps or strimps, skreet, axe (ask), member (remember), frigerator, etc. \r\n33. You use nem' to describe a certain group of people (for example Craig and nem' or momma and nem'). (6 points) \r\n34. You've ever had a crack across your windshield and never bothered to get it fixed. (3 points) \r\n35. You've ever driven on a donut more than 2 weeks after your flat. (4 points) \r\n36. You've ever asked a perfect stranger to take a picture with you and told your friends it was someone you dated. (3 points) \r\n37. Your child drops his/her pacifier and you sanitize it by sucking it. (7 points) \r\n38. If you've ever ran a race barefoot in the middle of the street at approximately 11 at night. (10 points) \r\n39. You've ever left a social gathering with a plate. (1 point) \r\n40. You leave a restaurant with silverware, sugar, and/or jelly. (8 points) \r\n41. You think \"red\" is a flavor of Kool-Aid. (4 points) \r\n42. You can't hold a glass because of the length of your nails. (3 points) \r\n43. The gold teeth in your mouth spell words. (8 points) \r\n44. You don't have your own place but your child has a leather coat and a pair of Jordan's. (5 points) \r\n45. If you've ever had to get to the driver's side of the car through the passenger side door. (8 points) \r\n46. You have ever slept in a chair to avoid messing up your hair. (7 points) \r\n47. You constantly hit *69 and ask, \"Did you just call here?\" (10 points) \r\n48. You won't answer the phone if you don't recognize the number on the caller id box. (7 points) \r\n49. You know a child who can't speak, but can do the \"bank-head bounce.\" (15 points) \r\n50. You think Tupac is still alive. (20 points) \r\n-----------------------------------------------------------\r\nScoring \r\n0 - 30 - You have enjoyed a nice sheltered life in the suburbs. \r\n31 - 60 - Hood movies have given you a little exposure. \r\n61 - 100 - You may have visited the hood a few times or on weekends. \r\n101 - 130 - You probably spent a few years in the hood, and moved to the suburbs. \r\n131 - 160 - You're the genuine article. You are no stranger to hood life. \r\n161 - 200 - You are definitely, without a doubt an expert on life in the hood. \r\n201+ - Congratulations! You are Ghetto Fabulous!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6753,
"title": "Ghetto Test"
},
{
"body": "What's an innunedo? An Italian hemorrhoid prepareation.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a good looking girl on the campus of Clemson University? A visitor.\r\n\r\nIraq, a good place to take a shiite.\r\n\r\nNew rules for poker in Los Angeles -- four clubs beat a king.\r\n\r\nWhy are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between Gov't bonds and men? Gov't bond eventually mature.\r\n\r\nWhat did God say after he created man? \"I can do better than this . . .\"\r\n\r\nWhat's the best thing to come out of a peter? The wrinkles.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between 'light' and 'hard'? You can sleep with the light on.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between 'dark' and 'hard'? It stays dark all night.\r\n\r\nWhat does a man consider to be a 7-course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between Saddam Hussein and a bucket of shit? The bucket.\r\n\r\nWhat do Nagasaki, Hiroshima and Baghdad have in common. Nothing, yet.\r\n\r\nWhat do Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffit have in common? They both have curds in their whey.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call an Iraqi with a goat under one arm and a sheep under the other? A bisexual.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Hussein's demands are reasonable.\r\n\r\nPres. Bush is replacing all the male troops in Iraq with women diagnosed with PMS -- they're a hell-of-a-lot meaner and they retain water.\r\n\r\nWhy don't men's balls hang down to their knees? The vacuum in their brain keeps 'em up.\r\n\r\nWhat does a female lawyer use for birth control? Her personality.\r\n\r\nHow can you reunite the Beatles? Use two more bullets.\r\n\r\nI've never been drunk -- just over served.\r\n\r\nI was as pure as the driven snow until I drifted.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between oral sex and sushi? The rice.\r\n\r\nWhat's black, 12\" long and hangs in front of an asshole? A stethoscope.\r\n\r\nMan standing next to a woman in a bar. He looks at her and says, \"Can I smell your pussy?\" \"Absolutely not,\" says the woman. \"Must be your feet.\"\r\n\r\nWhy are the Rams changing their name to the Tampons? They're only good for one period and they have no second string.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6754,
"title": "Great 1 Liners!"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an octopus? I don't know, but it sure can pick tomatoes!\r\n\r\nWhat's black, has white eyes and knocks on glass? A black in a microwave.\r\n\r\nWhy don't blacks like blow jobs? They don't like any job.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call two Vietnamese in a TransAm? The gooks of hazard.\r\n\r\nDid you hear about the polish Lesbian? She LOVED men.\r\n\r\nWhy are Jewish men circumcised? Jewish women don't buy anything unless it's 20% off!\r\n\r\nWhat's the only food that ruins your sex life? Wedding cake.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a Filipino contortionist? A Manila folder.\r\n\r\nHow do you make a black man nervous? Take him to an auction.\r\n\r\nDid you hear about the two Mexicans who appeared on \"That's Incredible\"? One had car insurance and the other was an only child.\r\n\r\nWhat's the definition of endless love? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.\r\n\r\nWhat's the definition of \"eternity\"? Four blondes, in four separate cars, at a 4-way stop.\r\n\r\nWhat's 6 miles long and goes 4 miles an hour? A Mexican funeral procession with only one set of jumper cables.\r\n\r\nWhat do gay men call hemorrhoids? Speed bumps.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 6756,
"title": "Ethnic Humor in One Liners"
},
{
"body": "It is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, \"To think that right here used to be the Twin Towers.\"\r\n\r\nThe son, not understanding, asks his father \"What were the Twin Towers?\" The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, \"The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them.\"\r\n\r\nThe son looks up to his father, and asks, \"And what are the Arabs?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6760,
"title": "Twin Towers"
},
{
"body": "A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, \"Perfect timing. You're just like Dave.\" \r\n\r\n\"Who?\" \r\n\r\n\"This guy named Dave. He always did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave.\" \r\n\r\n\"There are always a few clouds over everybody.\" \r\n\r\n\"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, too. He sang like an opera baritone, and \r\ndanced like a Broadway star.\" \r\n\r\n\"He was something, huh?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, you don't know the half of it. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change one light on the Christmas Tree and I black out the whole neighborhood.\" \r\n\r\n\"No wonder you remember him.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, you would too, if you'd married HIS WIDOW.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6765,
"title": "Perfect Dave"
},
{
"body": "A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! \r\n\r\nThis went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. \r\n\r\nHe said, \"Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?\" \r\n\r\nShe said \"I love it but I have to stop eating it.\" \r\n\r\n\"Why?\" he asked. \r\n\r\nShe pointed to her lap and said \"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!\" \r\n\r\n\"Let me see\" he said. \"Okay\" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, \"That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.\" \r\n\r\nHe kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, \"I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!\" \r\n\r\nShe asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. \r\n\r\nShe said \"Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6770,
"title": "Chicken Sandwiches"
},
{
"body": "A young woman asks her mother, \"Mom, how many kind of penises are there?\"\r\n \r\nThe mother, surprised, answers, \"Well, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.\" \r\n\r\n\"A Christmas tree?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6771,
"title": "Christmas Tree"
},
{
"body": "SON SAYS:\r\nDaddy, how was I born?\r\n\r\nDAD SAYS:\r\nAh, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway!\r\n\r\nMom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared.\r\n\r\nAnd that's the story.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6774,
"title": "Little Virus?"
},
{
"body": "Husband and wife are doing the spring house cleaning. Wife asks husband to hang some new curtain rods, but he can't do it without toggle bolts. \r\n\r\nHe sends her to the hardware store where she asks the man behind the counter for two toggle bolts. He puts them on the counter, then asks, \"You wanna screw for these?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" she replies, \"but I'll blow you for the clock radio on the shelf.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 6776,
"title": "House Cleaning"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a black woman with braces? A Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker.\r\n\r\nHear about the new deodorant called \"Umpire\"? It's for foul balls.\r\n\r\nHow do you circumcise a whale? Fore-skin divers.\r\n\r\nWhat do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Italian? A guy who makes you an offer you can't understand.\r\n\r\nWhy don't they use the 911 system in Poland? Polacks can't find the 'eleven' on the telephone dial.\r\n\r\nWhat do Polish women do when they're done sucking cock? Spit out the feathers.\r\n\r\nWhy aren't cowboys circumcised? They need someplace to keep their Skoal while they eat lunch.\r\n\r\nWhy did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead! \r\n\r\nHow do you make a baby float? One root beer and 2 scoops of baby.\r\n\r\nWhy did God give Mexicans noses? So they'd have something to pick in winter.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a Jewish American Princess's (JAP) waterbed? The Dead Sea.\r\n\r\nWhat's a JAPs idea of natural childbirth? Absolutely no make-up.\r\n\r\nWhy do JAPs close their eyes while screwing? So they can pretend they're shopping.\r\n\r\nWhat does a JAP do during a nuclear holocaust? Gets out her sun reflector.\r\n\r\nHow many Mexicans does it take to grease a car? One, if you hit him just right.\r\n\r\nWhat do you get when you cross a Black man and a groundhog? Six more weeks of basketball season.\r\n\r\nIf you call a white woman in the Army a WAC, what do you call a black woman in the Army? A WACoon.\r\n\r\nWhat did Abe Lincoln say after a 5 day drunk? \"I freed who?\"\r\n\r\nDid you hear about the Polish abortion clinic? There's a 1 year waiting list.\r\n\r\nHow did the Polish ice hockey team drown? Spring training.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a polack with 500 girlfriends? A shepherd.\r\n\r\nWhat did the Catholic dude do with his first 50 cent piece? He married her.\r\n\r\nWhy don't Puerto Ricans like blow jobs? They're afraid it will interfere with their unemployment benefits.\r\n\r\nWhat's a rednecks definition of foreplay? Wake up bitch!\r\n\r\nWhat's the definition of a maniac? An Italian in a whore house with a credit card.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call kids born in whore houses? Brothel Sprouts.\r\n\r\nOn the return of Rev. Jesse Jackson's trip as he brought back Robert Goodman, a reporter asked Jesse how he liked 'Beirut' and he answered, \"Well, okay, but I like Hank Aaron better.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 6780,
"title": "More Favorite One Liners"
},
{
"body": "What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?\r\n \r\nShe sticks it in the microwave.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6784,
"title": "Blonde's Computer Freezes"
},
{
"body": "Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer \r\n\r\nIf a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, \r\nand the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, \r\nand the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, \r\nthen the socket packet pocket has an error to report.\r\n\r\nIf your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,\r\nand the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, \r\nand your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, \r\nthen your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!\r\n\r\nIf the label on the cable on the table at your house, \r\nsays the network is connected to the button on your mouse, \r\nbut your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, \r\nthat's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, \r\nand your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, \r\nso your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, \r\nthen you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, \r\n'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!\r\n\r\nWhen the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, \r\nAnd the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, \r\nThen you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,\r\nQuicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 6785,
"title": "Dr. Seuss As Technical Writer"
},
{
"body": "My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.\r\n\r\nAs she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, \"He doesn't like men.\"\r\n\r\n\"Perfect,\" my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.\r\n\r\nThen one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.\r\n\r\nSoon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.\r\n\r\nAs the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6787,
"title": "Guard Dog"
},
{
"body": "If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home, you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.\r\n \r\nIf Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. \r\n\r\nIf IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster, where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. \r\n\r\nIf Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. \r\n\r\nIf Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. \r\n\r\nIf Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. \r\n\r\nIf Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million, but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. \r\n\r\nIf the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth, and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified, government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. \r\n\r\nIf the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. \r\n\r\nIf Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, and it could be conveniently attached to your belt. \r\n\r\nIf Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting. \r\n\r\nIf Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread and then pops it up like a jack-in-the-box. \r\n\r\nIf Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it, anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. \r\n\r\nIf Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 6789,
"title": "If ______ Made Toasters"
},
{
"body": "An old country boy pulls up to a bait shop with a stringer full of fish. A man, noticing the stringer, asks him where he caught all the fish. He said he was going fishing again, tomorrow, and if the guy wanted to come with him he'd show him where he caught the fish.\r\n\r\nThe next morning the two men meet at the bait shop and head out for the lake. They row out to the middle of the water and the good ole boy pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it in the water. All kinds of fish float to the surface and he starts pulling them in the boat. \r\n\r\nHis buddy is shocked! He says, \"You know, what you're doing is not only improper but highly illegal. I just want you to know you could receive a big fine or maybe even go to jail. I know what I'm talking about because I work for the wildlife dep't and I'm what they call a 'game warden'.\" The good old boy takes out another stick of dynamite, lights it and sticks it in his friend's hand and says, \"You gonna fish or just sit there and talk about what you do for a living?\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 6793,
"title": "The Only Way to Fish"
},
{
"body": "What is Helen Keller's favorite color?\r\n \r\nCorduroy.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6796,
"title": "Helen Keller"
},
{
"body": "One day a man was sitting in his favorite chair watching football when his wife walked up behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan.\r\nWhen he woke he asked, \"What the hell was that for?!?\"\r\n\"I found this piece of paper in your pants while I was doing your laundry and it says Mary Lou 555-5555. Who the hell is Mary Lou?!?\" she asks.\r\n\"Aww honey, that's the name of the horse I was bettin' on last week!\"\r\n\"Oh I'm so sorry honey!\"\r\n\r\n\r\nThree weeks later she came behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan and once again he woke up asking, \"What the hell did I do this time?!?\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\"Your horse called,\" she replied.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6797,
"title": "Mary Lou"
},
{
"body": "Politics - A strife of interests masquerading as a contest\r\nof principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6802,
"title": "Politics"
},
{
"body": "Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bookie Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.\r\n\r\nCostello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.\r\n\r\nAbbott: I certainly do.\r\n\r\nCostello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.\r\n\r\nAbbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.\r\n\r\nCostello: You mean funny names?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...\r\n\r\nCostello: His brother Daffy.\r\n\r\nAbbott: Daffy Dean...\r\n\r\nCostello: And their French cousin.\r\n\r\nAbbott: French?\r\n\r\nCostello: Goof\u00c3\u00a8.\r\n\r\nAbbott: Goof\u00c3\u00a8 Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...\r\n\r\nCostello: That's what I want to find out.\r\n\r\nAbbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.\r\n\r\nCostello: Are you the manager?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Yes.\r\n\r\nCostello: You gonna be the coach too?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Yes.\r\n\r\nCostello: And you don't know the fellows' names?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Well I should.\r\n\r\nCostello: Well then who's on first?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Yes.\r\n\r\nCostello: I mean the fellow's name.\r\n\r\nAbbott: Who.\r\n\r\nCostello: The guy on first.\r\n\r\nAbbott: Who.\r\n\r\nCostello: The first baseman.\r\n\r\nAbbott: Who.\r\n\r\nCostello: The guy playing...\r\n\r\nAbbott: Who is on first!\r\n\r\nCostello: I'm asking YOU who's on first.\r\n\r\nAbbott: That's the man's name.\r\n\r\nCostello: That's who's name?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Yes.\r\n\r\nCostello: Well go ahead and tell me.\r\n\r\nAbbott: That's it.\r\n\r\nCostello: That's who?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Yes.\r\n\r\n*PAUSE*\r\n\r\nCostello: Look, you gotta first baseman?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Certainly.\r\n\r\nCostello: Who's playing first?\r\n\r\nAbbott: That's right.\r\n\r\nCostello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Every dollar of it.\r\n\r\nCostello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.\r\n\r\nAbbott: Who.\r\n\r\nCostello: The guy that gets...\r\n\r\nAbbott: That's it.\r\n\r\nCostello: Who gets the money...\r\n\r\nAbbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.\r\n\r\nCostello: Whose wife?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Yes.\r\n\r\n*PAUSE*\r\n\r\nAbbott: What's wrong with that?\r\n\r\nCostello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Who.\r\n\r\nCostello: The guy.\r\n\r\nAbbott: Who.\r\n\r\nCostello: How does he sign...\r\n\r\nAbbott: That's how he signs it.\r\n\r\nCostello: Who?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Yes.\r\n\r\n*PAUSE*\r\n\r\nCostello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.\r\n\r\nAbbott: No. What is on second base.\r\n\r\nCostello: I'm not asking you who's on second.\r\n\r\nAbbott: Who's on first.\r\n\r\nCostello: One base at a time!\r\n\r\nAbbott: Well, don't change the players around.\r\n\r\nCostello: I'm not changing nobody!\r\n\r\nAbbott: Take it easy, buddy.\r\n\r\nCostello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?\r\n\r\nAbbott: That's right.\r\n\r\nCostello: Ok.\r\n\r\nAbbott: All right.\r\n\r\nPAUSE\r\n\r\nCostello: What's the guy's name on first base?\r\n\r\nAbbott: No. What is on second.\r\n\r\nCostello: I'm not asking you who's on second.\r\n\r\nAbbott: Who's on first.\r\n\r\nCostello: I don't know.\r\n\r\nAbbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him.\r\n\r\nCostello: Now how did I get on third base?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Why you mentioned his name.\r\n\r\nCostello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?\r\n\r\nAbbott: No. Who's playing first.\r\n\r\nCostello: What's on first?\r\n\r\nAbbott: No, What's on second.\r\n\r\nCostello: I don't know.\r\n\r\nAbbott: And he's on third!\r\n\r\nCostello: There I go, back on third again!\r\n\r\n*PAUSE*\r\n\r\nCostello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.\r\n\r\nAbbott: All right, what do you want to know?\r\n\r\nCostello: Now who's playing third base?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?\r\n\r\nCostello: What am I putting on third.\r\n\r\nAbbott: No. What is on second.\r\n\r\nCostello: You don't want who on second?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Who is on first.\r\n\r\nCostello: I don't know.\r\n\r\nBoth In Unison: Third base!\r\n\r\n*PAUSE*\r\n\r\nCostello: Look, you gotta outfield?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Sure.\r\n\r\nCostello: The left fielder's name?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Why.\r\n\r\nCostello: I just thought I'd ask you.\r\n\r\nAbbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.\r\n\r\nCostello: Then tell me who's playing left field.\r\n\r\nAbbott: Who's playing first.\r\n\r\nCostello: I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?\r\n\r\nAbbott: No, What is on second.\r\n\r\nCostello: I'm not asking you who's on second.\r\n\r\nAbbott: Who's on first!\r\n\r\nBoth In Unison: Third base!\r\n\r\n*PAUSE*\r\n\r\nCostello: The left fielder's name?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Why.\r\n\r\nCostello: Because!\r\n\r\nAbbott: Oh, he's our centerfielder.\r\n\r\n*PAUSE*\r\n\r\nCostello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Sure.\r\n\r\nCostello: The pitcher's name?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Tomorrow.\r\n\r\nCostello: You don't want to tell me today?\r\n\r\nAbbott: I'm telling you now.\r\n\r\nCostello: Then go ahead.\r\n\r\nAbbott: Tomorrow!\r\n\r\nCostello: What time?\r\n\r\nAbbott: What time what?\r\n\r\nCostello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.\r\n\r\nCostello: If you say 'Who's On First' one more time, I'm gonna break your arm! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?\r\n\r\nAbbott: What's on second.\r\n\r\nCostello: I don't know.\r\n\r\nBoth In Unison: Third base!\r\n\r\n*PAUSE*\r\n\r\nCostello: Gotta catcher?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Certainly.\r\n\r\nCostello: The catcher's name?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Today.\r\n\r\nCostello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.\r\n\r\nAbbott: Now you've got it.\r\n\r\nCostello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.\r\n\r\n*PAUSE*\r\n\r\nCostello: You know I'm a catcher too.\r\n\r\nAbbott: So they tell me.\r\n\r\nCostello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right all day!\r\n\r\nCostello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!\r\n\r\n*PAUSE*\r\n\r\nAbbott: That's all you have to do.\r\n\r\nCostello: Is to throw the ball to first base.\r\n\r\nAbbott: Yes!\r\n\r\nCostello: Now who's got it?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Naturally.\r\n\r\n*PAUSE*\r\n\r\nCostello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Naturally.\r\n\r\nCostello: Who?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Naturally.\r\n\r\nCostello: Naturally?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Naturally.\r\n\r\nCostello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.\r\n\r\nAbbott: No you don't, you throw the ball to Who.\r\n\r\nCostello: Naturally.\r\n\r\nAbbott: That's different.\r\n\r\nCostello: That's what I said.\r\n\r\nAbbott: You're not saying it...\r\n\r\nCostello: I throw the ball to Naturally.\r\n\r\nAbbott: You throw it to Who.\r\n\r\nCostello: Naturally.\r\n\r\nAbbott: That's it.\r\n\r\nCostello: That's what I said!\r\n\r\nAbbott: You ask me.\r\n\r\nCostello: I throw the ball to who?\r\n\r\nAbbott: Naturally.\r\n\r\nCostello: Now you ask me.\r\n\r\nAbbott: You throw the ball to Who?\r\n\r\nCostello: Naturally.\r\n\r\nAbbott: That's it.\r\n\r\nCostello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play!!! Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!\r\n\r\nAbbott: What did you say?\r\n\r\nCostello: I said I don't give a darn!\r\n\r\nAbbott: Oh, he's our shortstop!",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 6807,
"title": "\"Who's on First?\" By Abbott and Costello"
},
{
"body": "Why is there an L in NOEL?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6808,
"title": "Noel"
},
{
"body": "When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it's an anagram of 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6809,
"title": "THE IRS"
},
{
"body": "Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs. yet the mom weighs 30 lbs. more?\r\n\r\nWhy do they call the small candy bars the \"fun sizes\"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?\r\n\r\nWhy do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?\r\n\r\nIf the handicapped bathrooms are for people who can't walk why do they put them at the end of the bathrooms?\r\n\r\nCan someone give up lent for lent?\r\n\r\nWhy do people say, \"You've been working like a dog,\" when dogs just sit around all day?\r\n\r\nIf marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?\r\n\r\nAnd why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6816,
"title": "Questions That Have Confused Me!"
},
{
"body": "Starting from bottom to top, a short explanation of each body parts uses\r\n1. Toe-Object used for balance(do blondes and drunks have toes? Food for thought)\r\n2. Foot-Place in mouth after saying something stupid\r\n3. Shin-Object used for finding furniture in the dark.\r\n4. Pelvic area-pretty self explanatory\r\n5. stomache- stom ACHE... coincidence? I think not.\r\n6. Chest-What I like to talk to.\r\n7.Fingers-Keep away from car doors.\r\n9.Hands...\r\n10. Elbow-I learned to dance after hitting this\r\n11. Shoulder- Common site of burns.\r\n12. Mouth- Place foot here(or other objects)\r\n13. Brain- If you have one you noticed there is no eight.\r\n14.1/2 brain-If you check for it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6822,
"title": "Dem Bones"
},
{
"body": "1. You don't like newbies.\r\n2.You are #1 on this website.\r\n3. You pretend to know everything.\r\n4. You dislike AC3P1L07\r\n5. You nail people for doing what you did.\r\n6. You yell DUPE if someone you don't know posts anything.\r\n7. Coincidently you only report it if it really is.\r\n8. You received a message from AC3P1L07 saying to f*** off\r\n9. AC3P1L07 hates you.\r\n10. Your user name is ANCHMIKE\r\nSO PISS IN SOMEONE ELSES CERIAL, I AM NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 6823,
"title": "You Might be a Donkeys Behind If..."
},
{
"body": "1. You don't suffer from insomnia... you enjoy every minute of it.\r\n2. Your pupils are dialated 24/7\r\n3.*You don't have time for a girlfriend and would rather have a talking frog instead.\r\n4. L337 is a common word in your household.\r\n5. The targeting reticle from halo is permanently burned onto your retina... and you love it.\r\n6. You know the correct pronunciation of MJOLNIR.\r\n7. You have a microwave in your room.\r\n8. Your dog can beat your friends at halo.\r\n9. Your pug, 30 pounds over weight can physically kick your butt.\r\n10. You've memorized the entire halo soundtrack.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 6824,
"title": "You Might be a Gamer If..."
},
{
"body": "A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. \r\nThe rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, \"Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!\" \r\n\r\nThe giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. \r\n\r\nSo the rabbit again says, \"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!\" \r\n\r\nThe elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. \r\n\r\n\"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you'll feel so good!\" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit. \r\n\r\nThe giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, \"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you.\" \r\n\r\nThe lion answers, \"That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a freaking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6825,
"title": "Trix are For Kids"
},
{
"body": "You might be a Republican if...\r\n1. You have a brain\r\n2. You have morales\r\n3. Your bumper sticker say's \"Somewhere in Massachusetts a village is missing it's idiot\"\r\n4. You totaly agree with everything Foxworthy say's\r\n5. You bought a shotgun and THEN voted against gun control\r\nYou might become a republican if...\r\n1. You found a brain\r\n2. You stole someones morales\r\n3. You bought a truck with that bumper sticker and was to lazy to take it off.\r\n4. You're dating a Republicans daughter\r\n5. Actually it was the guy's shotgun that changed you.\r\n\r\nYou might be a democrat if...\r\n1. You have no brain\r\n2. You have no morales\r\n3. Your bumper sticker say's \"eye is ejumucated, u shid bee two\"\r\n4. You don't know who Hitler is but think he has a cool name.\r\n5. You think homosexuality is fine, but not for your kids.\r\n\r\nYou might become a democrat if...\r\n1. You lost your brain\r\n2. Someone stole your morales\r\n3. You can't read said bumper sticker\r\n4. You don't get anything Foxworthy say's\r\n5. You love your daughter, she loves her dad, and you're jealous",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6827,
"title": "Why I Am Independent (but Leaning Republican)"
},
{
"body": "One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. \"What the...?,\" he said to himself as a little blue dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. \r\n\r\n\r\n\"April!\" he hollered into the bathroom, \"Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?\" \r\n\r\nShe shot back, \"It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6829,
"title": "Miracle Grow"
},
{
"body": "A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. \r\nA real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself. \r\n\r\nA simple friend has never seen you cry. \r\nA real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears. \r\n\r\nA simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. \r\nA real friend has their phone numbers in his address book. \r\n\r\nA simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean. \r\n\r\nA simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed. \r\nA real friend asks you why you took so long to call. \r\n\r\nA simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. \r\nA real friend seeks to help you with your problems.\r\n\r\nA simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it. \r\n\r\nA simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. \r\nA real friend calls you after you had a fight. \r\n\r\nA simple friend expects you to always be there for them. \r\nA real friend expects to always be there for you!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6830,
"title": "Real Friends Test"
},
{
"body": "This is not supposed to be funny.\r\nI want to make a public apology for the temper tantrum I threw earlier today. I still don't get it but I am sorry for blaming everyone else for my problems.\r\nAC3P1L07\r\nP.S.\r\nplease vote this as funny so more people will see it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6831,
"title": "Apology"
},
{
"body": "Why did the blonde bring sandpaper to the desert?\r\nShe needed a map.\r\n\r\nWhy did the blonde bring a car door to the desert?\r\nIf it got hot she could roll the window down.\r\n\r\nHow did the blonde explain her helicopter crash?\r\nIt was getting hot so I turned the ceiling fan off.\r\n\r\nWhat is the latest health epidemic among blondes?\r\nMAIDS. If they don't get one they die.\r\n\r\nWhy did the blonde wear a condom on each ear?\r\nShe didn't want to get hearing AIDS.\r\n\r\nWhat do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?\r\nPull the pin and throw it back.\r\n\r\nWhat do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?\r\nRun like hell; She's got a grenade in her mouth.\r\n\r\nWhy was the blonde so happy after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in 6 months?\r\nBecause on the box it said from two to four years.\r\n\r\nHow do you know if a blonde e-mails you?\r\nThere's a computer in the mailbox.\r\n\r\nHow do you know if a blonde's been using the computer?\r\nThere's whiteout on the screen.\r\n\r\nHow do you know if a second blonde has been using the computer?\r\nThere's writing on the white out.\r\n\r\nHow do you know if a third blonde has been using the computer?\r\nThere's cheese in front of the mouse.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call brunette hair dye?\r\nA1)Artificial Intelligence. A2)Birth control\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a brunette between two blondes?\r\nAn interpreter.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a blonde between two brunettes?\r\nA mental block.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a blonde holding a balloon?\r\nSiamese twins.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a blonde in a sauna?\r\nA hot air balloon.\r\n\r\nWhat do blondes and beer bottles have in common?\r\nThey're both empty from the neck up.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6834,
"title": "MISSunderstanding"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so skinny, when she wears striped PJ's there's only 2 stripes.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6837,
"title": "Skinny Momma"
},
{
"body": "A man worked at a gas station out in the middle of nowhere. One day when he was driving home from work, he ran out of gas (how ironic). So the man walks and walks and eventually he comes upon a monastery.\r\n\r\nHe asks a monk at the monastery, \"Can I stay here over night? My car ran out of gas.\"\r\n\r\nThe monk replies, \"You may; but you musn't come out of your room between the hours of 12 midnight and 6 am.\"\r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"That's fine with me.\" The monk takes him to his room, and the man falls asleep.\r\n\r\nAbout 12 midnight the man is roused from his sleep by a horrible groaning noise that was coming from the basement. He gets out of his bed to see what it is, but remembers the monk saying that he couldn't leave his room between 12 and 6 am. The groaning keeps the man awake all night long until it finally stops at 6.\r\n \r\nThe next morning the man asks the monk from yesterday, \"What was that racket coming from the basement?\"\r\n\r\n\"I can't tell you. You're not a monk,\" the monk replies.\r\n\r\nSo the man gets some gas from the monk, fuels up his car and drives home. For a year that groaning noise haunts him. The man decides to become a monk so he can find out what it was. \r\n\r\nThe man goes to monk school, and afterwards goes to the monastery that he arrived at a year ago.\r\n\r\nHe asks a monk there, \"Can I stay here for the night?\"\r\n\r\nThe monk replies, \"Yes, but do not come out of your room between the hours of 12 midnight and 6 am.\"\r\n\r\n\"Why not?\" the man asks.\r\n\r\n\"I can't tell you. You're not a monk,\" the monk replies.\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I am,\" the man says.\r\n\r\n\"Well, just don't come out,\" the monk says.\r\n\r\nThat night the man is awakened by the groaning noise. The man thinks, 'I'm a monk, so I can go and see what it is. The man walks down to the first floor and opens the door to the basement.\r\n\r\nIt had been bugging him for sooo long what the groaning noise was in the basement. It had haunted his dreams, scared him in the day, and he had gone through monk school and everything JUST to see what the groaning noise was in the basement. It was a strange noise, and he was finally able to see what it was, after a whole 365 days. He was just so excited to know what it was, so he wouldn't be haunted anymore. So he went down to the basement, sighed, and slowly creaked the door open to see what he had been wanting to see for the longest time.\r\n\r\nDo you know what the man saw in the basement? I can't tell you. You're not a monk.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 6842,
"title": "Can't Tell Ya"
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were swimming the breast stroke in a race. The blonde comes in last and says \"Not to be a sore loser or anything, but I think the other girls were using their hands.\".",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6845,
"title": "Swimming"
},
{
"body": "Fun things to do in a Waiting Room-\r\n----------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\n1.) Stand in a doorway and press your arms against the frame.\r\n\r\n2.) Take a pencil or pen and make little airplane noises and if anyone notices, stare at them and say, \"We've been spotted!\" and run around in circles.\r\n\r\n3.) Try to get behind the receptionist's counter and when some one comes, pop up, and yell \"surprise!\" at anyone under 50. (heart attack risk)\r\n\r\n4.) Make paper airplanes out of magazine pages. Fly them around the room.\r\n\r\n5.) Stare at someone in the room and yell, \"It's an agent!\" and run out.\r\n\r\n6.) Come in dressed as a bum and ask if they have any fried beans.\r\n\r\n7.) Repeat the following conversation ten times to the same random person in the room:\r\n \r\nYou: \"Do you hear that?\"\r\nPerson: \"What?\"\r\nYou: \"Never mind, it's gone now.\"\r\n\r\n8.) Come in dressed in army fatigues.\r\n\r\n9.) Leave your zipper open and if anyone asks say: \"Sorry, I really prefer it this way.\"\r\n\r\n10.) Babble incoherently at the receptionist and ask, \"Did you get all that? I don't want to repeat it.\"\r\n\r\n11.) Tuck one pant leg into your sock and if asked, reply \"Not now\" and walk away.\r\n\r\n12.) Take your shoes off and ask some one \"You wanna trade?\"\r\n\r\n13.) Stare blankly at some one and if they start to look uncomfortable, say \"I'm onto you...\" and squint.\r\n\r\n14.) Bang your head against the wall or corner in the room and mutter, \"shut up, all of you, just shut up!\" even if there is no one there other than the receptionist.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6846,
"title": "Fun Things To Do In A Waiting Room"
},
{
"body": "Bees can't sting...\r\n\r\nThe woman you like at work said yes...\r\n\r\nAn Irishman walked out of a bar...\r\n\r\nI met a blonde with a brain...\r\n\r\nKids are nice...\r\n\r\nIs there a Weed League?...\r\n\r\nFarts and flowers in the same sentence...\r\n\r\nI like Bill Gates...\r\n\r\nLawyers have integrity...\r\n\r\nThe lightbulb finally went on in Al Gore's head...\r\n\r\nDoctors don't fraternize with their nurses...\r\n\r\nWoman as president...\r\n\r\nBill Clinton told the truth...\r\n\r\nJeff Foxworthy in a suit...\r\n\r\nPriests involved with scandal admit what they did...\r\n\r\nGolf is not dull...\r\n\r\nMicrosoft is better than Linux...\r\n\r\nYo mamma is skinny, smart, and cleanly...\r\n\r\nPeople will like this joke...\r\n\r\n(I have included one for each category)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6851,
"title": "Statements"
},
{
"body": "Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. ... \r\n\r\n\"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!\" \r\n\r\nBill replied: \"Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?\" \r\n\r\nGod said: \"I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.\" \r\n\r\n\"Fine, but where should I go first?\" asked Bill. \r\n\r\nGod said: \"I'm going to leave it up to you.\" \r\n\r\nBill said: \"OK, then, let's try Hell first.\" So Bill went to Hell... \r\n\r\nIt was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. \r\n\r\n\"This is great!\" he told God. \"If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!\" \r\n\r\n\"Fine\" said God and off they went. \r\n\r\nHeaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. \r\n\r\n\"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell\" he told God. \r\n\r\n\"Fine\" retorted God, \"as you desire\". \r\n\r\nSo Bill Gates went to Hell. \r\n\r\nTwo weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. \r\n\r\nWhen God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. \r\n\r\n\"How's everything going, Bill?\" God asked. \r\n\r\nBill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment: \"This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?\" \r\n\r\nGod says: \"That was the screen saver.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 6854,
"title": "Bill Gates In Hell"
},
{
"body": "The girl knelt in the confessional and said, \"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.\"\r\n\r\n\"What is it, child?\"\r\n\r\n\"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.\"\r\n\r\nThe priest turned, took a good look at the girl and said, \"My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 6859,
"title": "Vanity Insanity"
},
{
"body": "A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.\r\n\r\nThe priest says after consulting the Bible, \"My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays.\"\r\n\r\nThe man thinks: \"What does a priest know of sex?\" He goes to a minister, a married man, experienced, for the answer.\r\n\r\nHe queries the minister and receives the same reply; Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!\r\n\r\nNot pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge - A rabbi.\r\n\r\nThe rabbi ponders the question and states, \"My son, sex is\r\ndefinitely play.\"\r\n\r\nThe man replies,\" Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many\r\nothers tell me sex is work?!\"\r\n\r\nThe rabbi softly speaks, \"If sex were work... my wife would have the maid do it.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 6862,
"title": "Work, Sex and Play"
},
{
"body": "19 Ways To Annoy/Confuse Santa Claus\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\n\r\n1.) Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. \r\n\r\n2.) While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. \r\n\r\n3.) Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. \r\n\r\n4.) While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. \r\n\r\n5.) Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! \r\n\r\n6.) Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say \"We hate Christmas,\" and \"Go away Santa.\" \r\n\r\n7.) Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. \r\n\r\n8.) While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. \r\n\r\n9.) Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, \"For The Tooth Fairy.\r\n\r\n10.) Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, \"For Santa.\" \r\n\r\n11.) Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed and when Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, \"Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.\" \r\n\r\n12.) Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. \r\n\r\n13.) While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. \r\n\r\n14.) Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, \"Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!\" and fire a gun. \r\n\r\n15.) Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. \r\n\r\n16.) Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. \r\n\r\n17.) Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. \r\n\r\n18.) Paint \"hoof-prints\" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been \"trampled.\" Threaten to sue. \r\n\r\n19.) Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, \"This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6863,
"title": "19 Ways To Annoy/Confuse Santa Claus"
},
{
"body": "Little Timmy always sat in the front pew of the church and gave a hand full of change when the collection basket passed. One Sunday the pastor noticed that Timmy started to put his change in the collection basket but decided to put his money in his pocket instead.\r\n \r\nAfter service, Little Timmy rushed up to the pastor and wanted to hand him the handful of change, but the pastor proceeds to tell Timmy that he did not need the money and that he should put it in the basket instead. Little Timmy replies, \"Oh no, father, you need it more than anyone else does, because my daddy says that you're the poorest pastor we ever had.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6865,
"title": "Little Timmy In Church"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the inexperienced terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?\r\n\r\nHe burnt his mouth on the exhaust pipe.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6866,
"title": "Inexperienced Terrorist"
},
{
"body": "Q:What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer? \r\n\r\n\r\nA:The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 6868,
"title": "Leech"
},
{
"body": "Your momma's butt is so big when she sits down she's three feet taller.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6871,
"title": "Big Butt"
},
{
"body": "*******before you read this I want you all to know this is a real letter written to an airline company by a passanger who rode in the plane***********\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nDear Continental Airlines, \r\n\r\nI am disgusted as I write this note to you about the miserable experience I am having sitting in seat 29E on one of your aircrafts. As you may know, this seat is situated directly across from the lavatory, so close that I can reach out my left am and touch the door. \r\n\r\nAll my senses are being tortured simultaneously. It's difficult to say what the worst part about sitting in 29E really is. Is it the stench of the sanitation fluid that's blown all over my body every 60 seconds when the door opens? Is it the wooosh of the constant flushing? Or is it the passengers asses that seem to fit into my personal space like a pornographic jig-saw puzzle? \r\n\r\nI constructed a stink-shield by shoving one end of a blanket into the overhead compartment \u00e2\u0080\u0094 while effective in blocking at least some of the smell, and offering a small bit of privacy, the ass-on-my-body factor has increased, as without my evil glare, passengers feel free to lean up against what they think is some kind of blanketed wall. The next ass that touches my shoulder will be the last! \r\n\r\nI am picturing a board room full of executives giving props to the young promising engineer that figured out how to squeeze an additional row of seats onto this plane by putting them next to the LAV. I would like to flush his head in the toilet that I am close enough to touch, and taste, from my seat. \r\n\r\nPutting a seat here was a very bad idea. I just heard a man groan in there! This sucks! \r\n\r\nWorse yet, is I've paid over $400.00 for the honor of sitting in this seat! \r\n\r\nDoes your company give refunds? I'd like to go back where I came from and start over. Seat 29E could only be worse if it was located inside the bathroom. \r\n\r\nI wonder if my clothing will retain the sanitizing odor . . . what about my hair! I feel like I'm bathing in a toilet bowl of blue liquid, and there is no man in a little boat to save me. \r\n\r\nI am filled with a deep hatred for your plane designer and a general dis-ease that may last for hours. \r\n\r\nWe are finally decending, and soon I will be able to tear down the stink-shield, but the scars will remain. \r\n\r\nI suggest that you initiate immediate removal of this seat from all of your crafts. Just remove it, and leave the smouldering brown hole empty, a good place for sturdy/non-absorbing luggage maybe, but not human cargo.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 6872,
"title": "Airline Letter"
},
{
"body": "1. You've named that purple elephant that follows you everywhere.\r\n2. Vision Imparment goggles don't change anything.\r\n3. You earn $30 by counting your money again.\r\n4. You use your beer belly as a coffee table.\r\n5. You fly home every night.\r\n6. Your wife keeps telling you not to light the house on fire but you don't listen. What does she know anyway?\r\n7. Your house is fire proofed but you still manage to burn it to the ground.\r\n8. You have a second, third anniversary.\r\n9. The dog is drunk to.\r\n10. No one you see can stop moving.\r\n11. You offer the police officer that pulls you over a cold one.\r\n12. The officer asks you about the vehicle you're pulling, you reply with \"whats wrong with towing a boat?\" to which he replies \"Nothing, but we do require you put it on a trailer.\"\r\n13. \"Could you ask your friends to get out of the boat, sir?\"\r\n14. Your designated driver has horrible gas milage... and you wake up broke.\r\n15. Your designated driver drops you off, & when your boss comes out you think your wife is cheating.\r\n16. Then you think he stole your lawn gnomes.\r\n17. And bought you a new car.\r\n18. And you get fired in the morning.\r\n19. You haven't legally driven since you turned 21.\r\n20. Your wife doesn't even care that you're cheating on her.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 6873,
"title": "You Might be Drunk If..."
},
{
"body": "1. You wear a D... & A-C is tissue paper.\r\n2. Your friends are guys, your partners are girls.\r\n3. Anorexia is a four-letter word.\r\n4. Pink is your favorite color... & hot pink is second.\r\n5. Monika Lewinski is your role model.\r\n6. You think foreign affairs is screwing two French guys.\r\n7. M.U.D.D. means must use drugs daily.\r\n8. ADIDAS means All Day I Dream About Sex.\r\n9. ADIDAS applies to you.\r\n10. It takes half of a lite beer to get you totally wasted.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6875,
"title": "You Might be a Prep If..."
},
{
"body": "These are all from my experiences. That's why they're funny.\r\n\r\n1. You build a miniature boat out of a hostess box, water bottles, and duct tape, and float it down a river seven times.\r\n\r\n2. You buy a headlamp, move it in circles on the wall, and say it follows wherever my head goes.\r\n\r\n3. You make a hand with some sticks, a plastic soda bottle lid, some bugs, and a magnifying glass.\r\n\r\n4. You pop each and every bubble on bubble wrap... in random order.\r\n\r\n5. You line up thirteen megaphones just to see what it would do.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6877,
"title": "You Might be Bored If..."
},
{
"body": "Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller.\r\n\r\n\"Two men are madly in love with me!\" Goldie says. \"Who will be the lucky one?\"\r\n\r\nThe swami answers....\"Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6878,
"title": "Swami"
},
{
"body": "There was once a beautiful woman named Rebecca who lived with 3 men: an author, an artist, and a blind man.They each visited her once a day. One day Rebecca was taking a shower when she heard a knock at the door, so she put on a towel and answered the door.\r\n\r\nIt turned out to be the artist. He said, \"Congratulate me, congratulate me! I have just finished a masterpiece.\" Rebecca congratulated him, then closed the door. \r\n\r\nRight when Rebecca was getting back in the shower, she heard another knock so she put her towel back on and it was the author. He said, \"Congratulate me, congratulate me! I have just finished a new best-seller.\" Rebecca congratulated him, then closed the door.\r\n\r\nRebecca got back in the shower and 15 minutes later she heard another knock. She figured it had to be the blind man so she didn't have to put on her towel and she answered the door. She was right; it was the blind man, and he said to her, \"Congratulate me, congratulate me! I can see again!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6880,
"title": "Rebecca and the 3 Men"
},
{
"body": "1. You yell and scream for help, and when it comes you ask for the remote.\r\n2. It is a workout to play high intensity video games.\r\n3. You decide to be a republican because you bought a truck with a republican sticker on it.\r\n4. You sell your step-brother's stuff on e-bay for video game money.\r\n5. You've hired someone to laugh at these jokes for you.\r\n6. You shop online even though it's more expensive because you don't want to leave your house.\r\n7. You died of a preventable illness because going to the doctor would take actual work.\r\n8. You've hired someone to sleep with your wife because it's to \"hard\".\r\n9. You have the sofa in the back of the Guiness 2000 book.\r\n10. You, your wife, and kids all live with your mom.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6881,
"title": "You Might be Lazy If..."
},
{
"body": "(Linux is a server far superior to windows. It's logo is Tux the digital penguin.)\r\n1. Your favorite movie was Kill Bill.\r\n2. Your favorite animal is a penguin.\r\n3. You think micro and soft describe Bill Gates.\r\n4. You would like to \"server\" Gates head.\r\n5. Your desktop picture is of tux burning the windows flag.\r\n6. Your motto is \"W1ND0W$ 1$ 7H3 root 0F @LL 3V1L\"\r\n7. You can read the above statment.\r\n8. You think XBOX was Microsoft's first success.\r\n9. You would rather have a computer from Hasbro than Microsoft.\r\n10. Your computer can play solitaire.\r\n\r\n\r\nFor you Windows users #6 means \"Windows is the root of all evil\".",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 6882,
"title": "You Might be a Linux User If..."
},
{
"body": "Your momma so white and ugly Michael Jackson took one glance and thought he was looking into a mirror!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6883,
"title": "Mirror"
},
{
"body": "What was the witches favorite subject in school?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nSPELLing",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6884,
"title": "This is Dumb But Hey!"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nApricot.\r\nApricot who?\r\nApricot my key, open up!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 6888,
"title": "Apricot"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why are cats similar to sentences?\r\n\r\nA: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has pause at the end of its clause.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6890,
"title": "Cats"
},
{
"body": "Why is it that people say they \"slept like a baby\" when babies wake up like every two hours?\r\n\r\nIf London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?\r\n\r\nIf the weather man says \"it's a 50% chance of rain\" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?\r\n\r\nCan't anybody who has a job go in the \"employees only\" doors at restaurants? Shouldn't they be more specific and say \"employees of THIS place only\"?\r\n\r\nWhy do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway, aren't they?\r\n\r\nDid you know there is a page 666 in The Bible?\r\n\r\nIf you could walk through the walls, wouldn't you fall through the floor?\r\n\r\nWhat does the T in T-Shirt really mean?\r\n\r\nDo birds pee?\r\n\r\nWhat does OK actually mean?\r\n\r\nWhy do we say \"bye bye\" but not \"hi hi\"?\r\n\r\nWhy is it called a TV set when there is only one?\r\n\r\nIf Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?\r\n\r\nWhy are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?\r\n\r\nWhy can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?\r\n\r\nAnd why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6893,
"title": "More Of The Questions That Have Confused Me"
},
{
"body": "Here are some fun things to do in a public library if you get bored there...\r\n\r\n1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.\r\n\r\n2. While pointing to a very simple word, like 'the', ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.\r\n\r\n3. While looking at your book, turn so you're facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say \"PEEKABOO!!\"\r\n\r\n4. Put down your book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and either 1) say, \"Ooo, nice book,\" or 2) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like you're reading it.\r\n\r\n5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, \"You're one of THEM!\"\r\n\r\n6. Put down your book, and look at him/her. When they says something like, \"What?\" cut them off by saying, \"Are you accusing me of something?\"\r\n\r\n7. Read your book. Upside down.\r\n\r\n8. Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way.\r\n\r\n9. Flip the page every two or so seconds.\r\n\r\n10. Pick up your book, put it down, and say, \"Wow. That was a good book.\"\r\n\r\n11. Read silently, and then as if speaking to the character in your book, say, \"No, Jim! It's a trap! Don't do it!\" Then turn to the person and reply solemnly, \"He did it,\" when he/she looks at you.\r\n\r\n12. Turn to the person and ask, \"Have you ever experienced d\u00c3\u00a9j\u00c3\u00a0 vu and amnesia at the same time?\"\r\n\r\n13. Start arguing with yourself, then when he/she looks at you funny, say, \"Ohh, I'm sorry. I was just telling my subconscious to be quiet.\"\r\n\r\n14. Sit down, and then say to the person next to you, \"Hi! My name's (...) and I'm really glad to meet you.\"\r\n\r\n15. Ask him/her if he/she knew there are eddies in the space/time continuum.\r\n\r\n16. Ask him/her what species he/she is.\r\n\r\n17. Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.\r\n\r\n18. Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say, \"Got enough air in their?\" or, \"Settle down in there. I'm trying to read!\"\r\n\r\n19. Ask them what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, \"No, it isn't!\"\r\n\r\n20. Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, \"Wow! That was a good one!\"\r\n\r\n21. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a strange sound, or a beep.\r\n\r\n22. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.\r\n\r\n23. Constantly shift in your seat, and if the person next to you asks what is wrong, reply by saying, \"I'm constipated. Hehe.\"\r\n\r\n24. Spell every single word as you read it.\r\n\r\n25. Chew gum with your mouth open, and smack your lips while reading.\r\n\r\n26. Act like you're picking your nose - and eating it.\r\n\r\n27. Snort loudly, and gargle with your spit.\r\n\r\n28. Sneeze a lot.\r\n\r\n29. Hold your book right next to your eyes.\r\n\r\n30. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.\r\n\r\n31. Stand up, and continue reading.\r\n\r\n32. Make a strange sound every few minutes, then act like you didn't do it.\r\n\r\n33. Bring a bag of cat food, and start snacking on it.\r\n\r\n34. Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon, then dig in messily, and crunch on it.\r\n\r\n35. Ask them, \"Got milk?\"\r\n\r\n36. Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.\r\n\r\n37. Fall out of your seat, then say, \"I meant to do that.\" Then do it again. And again.\r\n\r\n38. Bring a laptop, and turn up the sound, and play a very noisy game.\r\n\r\n39. Wear too many sweaters, and complain how hot it is.\r\n\r\n40. Bring one of those fans with a squirt bottle attached, and make it look like you're attempting to squirt yourself, but hit them instead.\r\n\r\n41. Bring a bottle of squirtable mouth freshener, and miss every time you try to spray it into your mouth.\r\n\r\n42. Wear A LOT of putrid smelling cologne or perfume.\r\n\r\n43. Spill that same cologne or perfume on their book.\r\n\r\n44. Put down your book, then say, \"Hey, ya wanna trade?\"\r\n\r\n45. Bring a recording of very obnoxious music, and hide it in a bag. Turn it up full blast, and accuse them of having it. Keep accusing them, then get the librarian to come. When they find it in your bag, yell, \"IT WAS PLANTED ON ME I TELL YOU! IT'S NOT MY FAULT! IT'S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY! ALIENS BEAMED IT INTO MY BAG! IT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T LET THEM DO EXPERIMENTS ON ME!\"\r\n\r\n46. Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular, \"I know what you did last summer.\"\r\n\r\n47. Bring a piece of bread, and drop pieces of it down the little hole in the center of the table meant for cords.\r\n\r\n48. While reading your book, start humming a single note until you're out of breath, then collapse on the floor. Then get back up, and continue reading like nothing happened.\r\n\r\n49. Start singing \"This is the song that never ends. . .\"\r\n\r\n50. While placing small pieces of bread in a line, count one, two, three. . ., and lose count every ten or so.\r\n\r\n51. Bring a recording of a popular song. Play it on headphones quietly, but sing along very badly. Then proudly say to the person next to you, \"I took singing lessons!\"\r\n\r\n52. Turn to the person sitting next to you and say to them, \"Hey! How ya doin'? That's great, me too.\"\r\n\r\n53. Instead of a laptop, bring your entire computer!\r\n\r\n54. While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to every one, \"I have mail!\"\r\n\r\n55. Start staring at the person, and when you have their attention, announce, \"I measure sock by thickness!\"\r\n\r\n56. Turn to the person next to you, and ask them to pronounce their name backwards. When they ask you why, tell them that you are looking for hidden messages.\r\n\r\n57. State proudly that you have been to the 'other' side. Give no explanation.\r\n\r\n58. Suddenly grasp your heart, let out a wail, and fall to the ground. Then get back up like nothing happened.\r\n\r\n59. Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asked what is wrong, look at him/her with an inquiring look on your face, and say, \"What do you mean?\"\r\n\r\n60. Say, \"It always starts so weird, and they do it so weird.\" When they ask, \"What?\" say, \"Ohh, sorry. I'm back now.\"\r\n\r\n61. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, \"Never mind.\"\r\n\r\n62. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, \"BUZZ! BUZZ!. . .\"\r\n\r\n63. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, \"You're just jealous 'cause the voices are talking to ME!\"\r\n\r\n64. Say, \"Who's Freddie?\" Then act like you didn't say anything.\r\n\r\n65. Say, \"Argh! My central nervous system is shot! Quick! Give me blue china!\"\r\n\r\n66. Introduce yourself by saying, \"Hi! I'd like a hamburger, and a green South America please.\" When they ask what your problem is, say, \"Ohh, you're not my fairy godmother? I'm sorry, he must have flown into the bookcases. Bye!\" and run off.\r\n\r\n67. Continuously rub a book while chanting, \"Come out, come out. I know you're in there!\" When they ask what you're doing, say, \"I'm calling the book genie out!\"\r\n\r\n68. Run up to them with a book, thrust it under their nose and ask, \"Will you sign my autograph?\" Make sure you say MY.\r\n\r\n69. Get up onto the table, and start acting like a duck. When they ask what you're doing, say happily, \"I'm roosting!\"\r\n\r\n70. Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you're doing, say, \"I'm counting my brain cells!\"\r\n\r\n71. Stick a 'kick me' sing on your back, and accuse them of putting it there.\r\n\r\n72. Repeat everything they say to you.\r\n\r\n73. Ask them, \"Have you ever had an orange juice bath?\" When they look at you strangely, say, \"What?\"\r\n\r\n74. Look up suddenly and yell, \"Ohh no!\" When they ask you what happened, say, \"Nothing.\" Then do it again.\r\n\r\n75. Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, \"Where were you on the night of February 32, 1989?!\"\r\n\r\n76. Look at one page number, then a different one. They say in astonishment, \"Wow! The page numbers are in order! Cool! They guy who came up with that musta been a genius!\"\r\n\r\n77. Glance over your shoulder every few seconds.\r\n\r\n78. Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal otherwise.\r\n\r\n79. Say to him/her, \"You have the right to remain silent!\"\r\n\r\n80. Pat your stomach and say, \"Whoa. Human extremities do not settle well.\"\r\n\r\n81. Get a child's book like \"Green Eggs and Ham\" and complain that there is no glossary.\r\n\r\n82. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, \"Wow! Did you know that 'affirmative' and 'yes' mean the same thing?\"\r\n\r\n83. Say, \"Oomph!\" like you were just shot, and while smushing a ketchup pack on your chest, fall on the floor. Then get back up like nothing happened. After that, look at your stomach, and say, \"What? How'd this stain get here?\" while motioning to the ketchup.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6895,
"title": "Fun Things To Do In A Public Library"
},
{
"body": "Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time...\r\n\r\nPinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.\r\n\r\nWhen two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.\r\n\r\nWhen there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.\r\n\r\nFart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.\r\n\r\nFiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.\r\n\r\nHijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.\r\n\r\nRun down the aisle screaming, \"He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!\"\r\n\r\nGo into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.\r\n\r\n\"Accidentally\" spill your soda on the dork next to you.\r\n\r\nGive someone a coin, saying \"Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't.\"\r\n\r\nGo into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling \"We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!\".\r\n\r\nDescribe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.\r\n\r\nLead a bible study session in the back of the plane.\r\n\r\nStart a hot dog stand.\r\n\r\nSteal businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it.\r\n\r\nRemark that perhaps you shouldn't have put super glue in your underpants that morning.\r\n\r\nPick your nose and pat the person next to you.\r\n\r\nShow off your Batman underwear.\r\n\r\nSwitch accents and see if anyone notices.\r\n\r\nSneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm.\r\n\r\nScratch your butt, then sniff your finger.\r\n\r\nGo into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says \"e\".\r\n\r\nDon't use deodorant, then \"accidentally\" stick your armpit in someone's face.\r\n\r\nSneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.\r\n\r\nSnort when you laugh.\r\n\r\nTell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same.\r\n\r\nRide carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling \"Yeee-ha!\".\r\n\r\nWith a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say \"Never mind. Do you have any towels?\".\r\n\r\nJump up and scream \"AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!\".\r\n\r\nAsk someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best then the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)\r\n\r\nIf someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.\r\n\r\nPretend you're flying the plane.\r\n\r\nGet some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang.\r\n\r\nTake over the plane with a toy gun.\r\n\r\nYell to someone \"Is it time to hijack the plane yet?\" (Note: Do this when there is a stewardess nearby).\r\n\r\nTo the person next to you, say \"It's amazing that they didn't notice the grenade in my luggage.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6896,
"title": "Fun Things To Do On An Airplane"
},
{
"body": "\"An abstract noun,\" the teacher said, \"is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?\" \r\n\r\n\"Sure,\" a teenage boy replied. \"My father's new car.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6898,
"title": "Attack of the Abstract Noun"
},
{
"body": "Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, \"What is three times seven?\" \r\n\r\n\"22,\" Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked the problem on his calculator (he KNEW he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job. \r\n\r\nAbout two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, \"Well, you were the closest.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 6899,
"title": "Accountant's Success Story"
},
{
"body": "A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.\r\n\r\nThe Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.\r\n\r\nHe queries the first candidate: \"What was your annual salary, and what was your profession?\"\r\n\"I made $150,000 as an Attorney\" comes the reply.\r\n\"You may enter\" says the Angel.\r\n\r\nSecond candidate, same question. \"I made $95,000; I was a realtor.\" \r\nHe is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man's turn.\r\n\r\n\"My annual salary was $8,000.\"\r\n\"Cool!\" replies the Angel, \"and what instrument did you play?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 6900,
"title": "So You Wanna be a Musician?"
},
{
"body": "Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean? \r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nNEW - Different color from previous design.\r\n\r\nALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.\r\n\r\nEXCLUSIVE - Imported product.\r\n\r\nUNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.\r\n\r\nFOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.\r\n\r\nADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.\r\n\r\nIT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.\r\n\r\nFIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.\r\n\r\nHIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.\r\n\r\nFUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.\r\n\r\nREDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.\r\n\r\nDIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.\r\n\r\nYEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.\r\n\r\nBREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.\r\n\r\nMAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.\r\n\r\nMEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.\r\n\r\nSOLID-STATE - Heavy as can be.\r\n\r\nHIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6901,
"title": "Marketing Techniques"
},
{
"body": "You know you are addicted to coffee if ...\r\n\r\nYou grind your coffee beans in your mouth.\r\nYou sleep with your eyes open.\r\nYou have to watch videos in fast-forward.\r\nThe only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.\r\nYou can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.\r\nYou've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.\r\nYour eyes stay open when you sneeze.\r\nYou chew on other people's fingernails.\r\nThe nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.\r\nYou're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.\r\nYou can type sixty words per minute with your feet.\r\nYou can jump-start your car without cables.\r\nYou don't sweat, you percolate.\r\nYou walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.\r\nYou forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.\r\nYou've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.\r\nPeople get dizzy just watching you.\r\nInstant coffee takes too long.\r\nYou channel surf faster without a remote.\r\nYou have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.\r\nYou can outlast the Energizer bunny.\r\nYou short out motion detectors.\r\nYou don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.\r\nYour nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.\r\nYou help your dog chase its tail.\r\nYou soak your dentures in coffee overnight.\r\nYour first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.\r\nYou ski uphill.\r\nYou get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.\r\nYou answer the door before people knock.\r\nYou haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6902,
"title": "Guide to Coffee Addiction"
},
{
"body": "Dept. of the Army \r\n Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft \r\n Commencing January 1920\r\n\r\n 1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.\r\n\r\n 2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.\r\n\r\n 3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.\r\n\r\n 4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air.\r\n\r\n 5. Never get out of the machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the motor controls.\r\n\r\n 6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles.\r\n\r\n 7. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited.\r\n\r\n 8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.\r\n\r\n 9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.\r\n\r\n 10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines.\r\n\r\n 11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.\r\n\r\n 12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.\r\n\r\n 13. No two cadets should ever ride together in the same machine.\r\n\r\n 14. Do not trust altitude instruments.\r\n\r\n 15. Before you begin a landing glide, see that no machines are under you.\r\n\r\n 16. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated.\r\n\r\n 17. No spins on back or tail sides will be indulged in as they unnecessarily strain the machines.\r\n\r\n 18. If flying against the wind and you wish to fly with the wind, don't make a sharp turn near the ground. You may crash.\r\n\r\n 19. Motors have been known to stop during a long glide. If pilot wishes to use motor for landing, he should open the throttle.\r\n\r\n 20. Don't attempt to force the machine onto the ground with more than flying speed. The result is bounding and ricocheting.\r\n\r\n 21. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying.\r\n\r\n 22. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in cars or motorcycles.\r\n\r\n 23. You must not take off or land closer than 50 feet to the hanger.\r\n\r\n 24. Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar with it's controls and instruments.\r\n\r\n 25. If an emergency occurs while flying, land as soon as possible.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 6904,
"title": "Flying in the 1920s"
},
{
"body": "Mary had a little lamb,\r\nAnd a little pony too,\r\nShe put the pony in a field,\r\nAnd the lamb into a stew!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6908,
"title": "Mary Had a Little Lamb"
},
{
"body": "His death won't be listed under \"Obituaries,\" it will be under \"Neighborhood Improvements.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6919,
"title": "Death..."
},
{
"body": "1st woman: I took my son to the zoo yesterday.\r\n\r\n2nd woman: Did they accept him?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6920,
"title": "At the Zoo"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Recite your tables to me, Joan.\r\n\r\nJoan: Dining table, kitchen table, bedside table...",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6922,
"title": "Tables?"
},
{
"body": "1st man: My son was born on Saint David's day, so I called him David.\r\n\r\n2nd man: My son was born on Saint Patrick's day, so I called him Patrick.\r\n\r\n3rd man: Well, my son was born on Shrove Tuesday, so I called him Pancakes.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 6925,
"title": "Different Names..."
},
{
"body": "How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?\r\nPunch him in the nose.\r\n\r\nWhat does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in common?\r\nThey both look like the work of a butcher.\r\n\r\nIf The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?\r\nPossibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.\r\n\r\nWhy doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?\r\nHe won't pay her $300.\r\n\r\nWhat are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?\r\nHis face.\r\n\r\nWhat is the Arkansas state flower?\r\nGennifer.\r\n\r\nKnow how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?\r\nPut Janet Reno in charge.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?\r\nOne's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?\r\nThe pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.\r\n\r\nHow does Bill Clinton say \"I'm about to hurt you\"?\r\n\"Trust me.\"\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?\r\nJane Fonda went to Vietnam.\r\n\r\nHow can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?\r\nBy the wise look in the eyes.\r\n\r\nHow can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?\r\nHe's the stiff one.\r\n\r\nHow many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nTwo - one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.\r\n\r\nHow many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nNone - he'll only promise \"change.\"\r\n\r\nHow many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nHe doesn't! He whines a while, says \"I feel your pain\", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.\r\n\r\nWhy are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?\r\nBecause they're sending their turkey to the White House!\r\n\r\nWhy are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?\r\nBecause they can't afford any more pork.\r\n\r\nWhy are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?\r\nReagan ate all the jellybeans.\r\n\r\nWhy are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?\r\nThey've been having turkey for years.\r\n\r\nWhy are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?\r\nBecause Clinton \"invested\" all the turkey.\r\n\r\nWhat were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?\r\nBill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!\r\n\r\nWhat does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?\r\nA dead girlfriend.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?\r\nNo fee - if no recovery!\r\n\r\nHow did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?\r\nThey were dating the same girl in high school.\r\n\r\nHow can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?\r\nOnly a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.\r\n\r\nHow can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?\r\nIf his lips are moving, then he's lying.\r\n\r\nWhat do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?\r\nNeither one is very bright.\r\n\r\nWhat does Clinton do to lose weight?\r\nRuns away from the draft.\r\n\r\nHow can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle (in Bosnia)?\r\nHe's got his jogging suit on.\r\n\r\nWhat's Clinton's favorite baseball team?\r\nThe Dodgers.\r\n\r\nWhat's Bill's fondest wish now?\r\nThat someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.\r\n\r\nWhat's a Clinton sandwich?\r\nPure bologna piled high and deep.\r\n\r\nWhy do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?\r\nFor spare parts.\r\n\r\nDid you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?\r\nNow it's got two left wings.\r\n\r\nWhy is Bill Clinton called \"middle of the road Democrat\"?\r\nBecause he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.\r\n\r\nWhy is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?\r\nBecause it hasn't got a prayer.\r\n\r\nIf Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land first?\r\nWho cares!\r\n\r\nHow did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?\r\nTrying to save both faces.\r\n\r\nIf Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?\r\nThe United States of America!\r\n\r\nWhy is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?\r\nBecause when his term is through, he won't be going to school.\r\n\r\nWhy does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?\r\nHeredity.\r\n\r\nWhy did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?\r\nIf they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!\r\n\r\nWhat do Clinton and JFK have in common?\r\nThey haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.\r\n\r\nWhat happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?\r\nHe turned into Hillary!\r\n\r\nDid you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election?\r\nIt's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!\r\n\r\nWhy does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?\r\nBecause if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!\r\n\r\nHow many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\nTwo - one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.\r\n\r\nHow many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?\r\nNone. The democrats do that.\r\n\r\nHow many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?\r\nNone. The Socialist - Democrats do that.\r\n\r\nHow many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nNone. They like to keep him in the dark!\r\n\r\nWhy do liberals travel in threes?\r\nOne to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.\r\n\r\nWhat kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?\r\nA noose.\r\n\r\nWhat kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?\r\nHandcuffs.\r\n\r\nWhat Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?\r\nJezebel and Lucretia Borgia.\r\n\r\nWhat's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?\r\nA police lineup.\r\n\r\nWhat's a conservative?\r\nA liberal who made it through adolescence.\r\n\r\nWhat is a conservative?\r\nA liberal who's been mugged.\r\n\r\nWhat do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?\r\nChelsea.\r\n\r\nYou know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?\r\nThey get elected.\r\n\r\nWhat famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?\r\nIf you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin? \r\n\r\nWhy is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?\r\nBecause lawyers use their personalities for birth control.\r\n\r\nWhy did Bill Clinton cross the road?\r\nTo tax the chicken.\r\n\r\nWhy can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?\r\nBecause Bill Clinton has no character to defame.\r\n\r\nIf called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?\r\nWhen he's sworn in.\r\n\r\nHow many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?\r\nDepends on how many were photographed.\r\n\r\nWhy did Bill Clinton cross the road?\r\nTo meet the chick.\r\n\r\nHow are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?\r\nBoth aren't as successful when they're not on grass.\r\n\r\nDid you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?\r\nYeah, they were Bill Clinton.\r\n\r\nDid you know that Clinton's cat can play chess?\r\nInside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.\r\n\r\nWho would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?\r\nBill Clinton of course!\r\n\r\nHow does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?\r\nHe doesn't. He whines a while, says \"I feel your pain\", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.\r\n\r\nWhat do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?\r\nA mandate to govern.\r\n\r\nHow can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane?\r\nHe seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night.\r\n\r\nWhat did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?\r\n\"You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!\"\r\n\r\nWhat did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?\r\n\"Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!\"\r\n\r\nWhy doesn't Bill like old houses?\r\nHe's afraid of the draft.\r\n\r\nWhat's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?\r\nAbout 20 pounds and a jogging suit.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?\r\nKoresh only burned 85 people.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?\r\nSome people still believe in David Koresh.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?\r\nSome of Stalin's subjects admired him.\r\n\r\nHow many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?\r\nOne - she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?\r\nThe bus driver stops to let the kids out.\r\n\r\nHow does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?\r\nHe keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.\r\n\r\nWhen will there be a woman in the White House?\r\nWhen Hillary leaves town.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?\r\nYogurt has culture.\r\n\r\nWhat is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?\r\nHighway 55.\r\n\r\nWhy does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?\r\nHe is stupid!\r\n\r\nWhy is Clinton prone to losing his voice?\r\nHe keeps having to eat his words.\r\n\r\nHow do you know when a liberal is really dead?\r\nHis heart stops bleeding.\r\n\r\nHow does Al Gore spell potato?\r\nT-A-T-E-R.\r\n\r\nWhy is Chelsea growing up a confused child?\r\nBecause dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.\r\n\r\nWhy were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?\r\nThe first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.\r\n\r\nHow has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?\r\nMany of them have sixth grade reading levels.\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?\r\nJimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.\r\n\r\nHow do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?\r\nHe's the stiff one.\r\n\r\nWhat were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?\r\nGrade six.\r\n\r\nIf Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?\r\nCoffee.\r\n\r\nWhat will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?\r\nEverything's $100.\r\n\r\nWhat was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?\r\nTo study economics.\r\n\r\nWhat is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?\r\nTake thousands of big businesses and wait four years.\r\n\r\nWhy is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?\r\nThey broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?\r\nIt took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.\r\n\r\nWhy did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?\r\nTo promote off-shore drilling.\r\n\r\nWhy did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?\r\nSo he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.\r\n\r\nWhat does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?\r\nThey all make a living by lying to people.\r\n\r\nWhy did the Davidians commit suicide?\r\nThey were trying to keep up with the Joneses.\r\n\r\nWhy are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?\r\nThe punch lines were too long in Jonestown.\r\n\r\nWhat do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?\r\nThey were both cooked by a guy named \"Dave\".\r\n\r\nWhat is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?\r\nA competent liberal President.\r\n\r\nWhat is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?\r\n\"Good morning, Bill.\"\r\n\r\nWhat has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?\r\nUnite the Republican party.\r\n\r\nWhy did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?\r\nHis area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.\r\n\r\nHow many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?\r\nNone. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.\r\n\r\nWhen did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?\r\nWhen he married outside of his family.\r\n\r\nWhat does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?\r\nAbsolutely nothing.\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?\r\nElvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.\r\n\r\nWhy did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton? \r\nBecause he filed as head of the household.\r\n\r\nHow is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?\r\nIt is a lot more expensive than it looks.\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?\r\nA puppy stops whining after it grows up.\r\n\r\nWhy were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?\r\nBecause they could spell it.\r\n\r\nWhat is the basement where White House staffers work called?\r\nThe whine cellar.\r\n\r\nWhy aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?\r\nIt takes too long to retrain them.\r\n\r\nHow can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?\r\nThere is White-out on the screen.\r\n\r\nHow can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?\r\nThere is writing on the White-out.\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?\r\nBigfoot has been spotted.\r\n\r\nHow is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?\r\nHe is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.\r\n\r\nHow is Bill like a character actor?\r\nWhen he shows character, he's acting.\r\n\r\nWhat is Hillary's favorite holiday?\r\nSummer solstice.\r\n\r\nWhat do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?\r\nChange.\r\n\r\nWhat do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?\r\nWho knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.\r\n\r\nWhat is Clinton's favorite war song?\r\n\"Over Here\"\r\n\r\nWhat costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone to death?\r\nHe came dressed as a two-term president.\r\n\r\nWhy is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?\r\nIf he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between liberalism and socialism?\r\nSocialism is dead.\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?\r\nA kidney stone is easier to pass.\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?\r\nHitler intended to deliver on his speeches.\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?\r\nThe U.S. still has a Communist party in power.\r\n\r\nWhat does Clinton need to stop the white water?\r\nA water gate.\r\n\r\nWhy are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the \"Bill Clinton Highway?\"\r\nThe road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.\r\n\r\nWhat do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?\r\nThey both dominate Bills.\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?\r\nThe Conners own their own home.\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?\r\nNo one died in Watergate.\r\n\r\nWhat is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?\r\nOldielocks.\r\n\r\nWhat are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?\r\nWe have not ruled out military force.\r\n\r\nWhat would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?\r\nA free stamp.\r\n\r\nWhy are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?\r\nHe can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.\r\n\r\nWhich of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?\r\nGonorrhea - it can be cured.\r\n\r\nWhy was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?\r\nThe bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.\r\n\r\nHow are Congressmen and baseball players alike?\r\nThey are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.\r\n\r\nWhy did the chicken cross the Atlantic?\r\nTo attend D-Day celebrations.\r\n\r\nWhat do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?\r\nA man without a clue.\r\n\r\nHow did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?\r\nHe visited Oxford.\r\n\r\nHow is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?\r\nNo class and no principals.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?\r\nA pickpocket snatches watches.\r\n\r\nWhat does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?\r\nThey both have Bills that are losers.\r\n\r\nWhy does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?\r\nThey are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.\r\n\r\nWho should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?\r\nJohn Elway.\r\n\r\nWhy is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?\r\nHe thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.\r\n\r\nWhy does Hillary think her husband is a model president?\r\nBecause a model is a small imitation of the real thing.\r\n\r\nWhat does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?\r\nThey both became president without being elected.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?\r\nBIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.\r\n\r\nWhat do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?\r\nAn optimist.\r\n\r\nWell, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?\r\nTeddy Kennedy.\r\n\r\nWhat did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?\r\nHe couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!\r\n\r\nWhy did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?\r\nHe thought he was in a confessional.\r\n\r\nWhy did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?\r\nThey didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?\r\nOne promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.\r\n\r\nWhy did the chicken cross the road?\r\nTo get away from Bill Clinton.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?\r\nClinton is dead from the neck up.\r\n\r\nWhere are the two biggest airbags located?\r\nThe White House.\r\n\r\nWho was the first liberal Democrat?\r\nChristopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on borrowed money.\r\n\r\nDid you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?\r\nYes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.\r\n\r\nWhat's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?\r\nTo sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.\r\n\r\nDid you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?\r\nIt's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.\r\n\r\nWhy is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?\r\nBecause no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.\r\n\r\nDo you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?\r\nIt was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!\r\n\r\nWhat's a word for Clintons '92 campaign?\r\nA snow job.\r\n\r\nWhat will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?\r\nNo Job.\r\n\r\nHow many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nIt's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!\r\n\r\nWhat's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?\r\nVice-president of the United States.\r\n\r\nHave you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?\r\nYou pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!\r\n\r\nWhat do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?\r\nNothing . . . yet.\r\n\r\nWhy does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's speaking engagements?\r\nSo you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.\r\n\r\nWhat's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?\r\nIf you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family - you're happy.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6928,
"title": "Question and Answer Clinton Jokes"
},
{
"body": "President Bush, Dan Quayle, Ross Perot, and Bill Clinton all traveled together to see the Wizard of Oz. Upon arrival, they were brought to see him.\r\n\r\nFirst, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, \"Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart,\" so the Wizard said, \"So be it.\"\r\n\r\nSecond was Dan Quayle. He told the Wizard, \"People think I'm unintelligent and have no common sense whatsoever. I want a brain.\" The Wizard said, \"So be it.\" \r\n\r\nThird to ask the Wizard was Ross Perot. \"People say I have no confidence, and I lack conviction. I wish to have some courage.\" The Wizard granted this wish as well.\r\n\r\nYhen Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at him and said, \"Well, what do you want?\" to which Clinton replied, \"I'm here for Dorothy!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6930,
"title": "Asking the Wizard of Oz"
},
{
"body": "One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, \"George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?\" \r\n\r\n\"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,\" advised George. \r\n\r\nThe next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. \"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?\" Clinton asked. \r\n\r\n\"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,\" advised Tom. \r\n\r\nClinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. \"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?\" Clinton asked. \r\n\r\n\"Go to the theatre.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6931,
"title": "Helping the United States of America"
},
{
"body": "Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life preserver jacket.\r\n\r\nBill says: \"Let's do the Democratic thing. Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver.\" They each write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. Bush and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6932,
"title": "Let's Vote on This Now"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear that in response to President Bill Clinton's habit of dropping in on the local McDonalds, the McDonald's national management has announced a commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton?\r\n\r\nOf course, when you get it, the price has doubled, you never get the fries you were originally promised, and it's got half the meat.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6933,
"title": "The New McClinton Burger"
},
{
"body": "Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his stylist Christophe, \"How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?\"\r\n\r\nChristophe replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200.\r\n\r\nClinton gasped, \"You took too long, it doesn't look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!\"\r\n\r\nChristophe replied, \"That makes us even.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6934,
"title": "Bill Clinton's Haircut"
},
{
"body": "Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station.\r\n\r\nAs the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary, \"I went to high school with you\". \r\n\r\nShe recognized him and agreed with him.\r\n\r\nLater, as they were driving down the road, Bill said, \"If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President.\"\r\n\r\nHillary said, \"Oh yes, I would - he would be President.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6935,
"title": "Who Would Have Been President?"
},
{
"body": "It was Arbor Day, and a blonde, a brunette and a redhead all planted something.\r\n\r\nThe redhead planted flowers in her front yard.\r\nThe brunette planted a tree in her back yard.\r\nThe blonde didn't know what to plant, so she asked the redhead.\r\n\"Plant something that looks good,\" she said.\r\nThe blonde still didn't know what to plant, so she asked the brunette.\r\n\"Plant something you want more of,\" she said.\r\n\r\nThe blonde finally knew what to plant. The next day,her husband was declared a missing person.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6938,
"title": "Arbor Day"
},
{
"body": "HOW TO GET A TAN WITH A BLOWTORCH\r\n\r\nHOW TO BE FUNNY by Gilbert Gottfried\r\n\r\nMY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O J Simpson\r\n\r\nZAGAT'S GUIDE TO CITIES WITHOUT A STARBUCKS\r\n\r\nTHE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION\r\n\r\nTO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres\r\n\r\nTHE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT\r\n\r\nFAST & EFFICIENT WINDOWS PROGRAMS\r\n\r\nHUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA\r\n\r\nTHINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman\r\n\r\nTHE WILD YEARS by Al Gore\r\n\r\nBEATING A DRUG ADDICTION by Darryl Strawberry\r\n\r\nAMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN\r\n\r\nAMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS\r\n\r\nCAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS\r\n\r\nDETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE\r\n\r\nDIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB\r\n\r\nDR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES\r\n\r\nEASY UNIX\r\n\r\nETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE\r\n\r\nEVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN\r\n\r\nEVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN\r\n\r\nFRENCH HOSPITALITY\r\n\r\nGEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES\r\n\r\nHOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER by Art Garfunkel\r\n\r\nMIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE\r\n\r\nSPOTTED OWL RECIPES\r\n\r\nFRENCH MILITARY VICTORIES\r\n\r\nSTAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS\r\n\r\nTHE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY\r\n\r\nTHE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton\r\n\r\nBEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno \r\n\r\nHOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver \r\n\r\nHOW I BECAME A STUD by Kenny G\r\n\r\nFUN WITH UNIX\r\n\r\nHow To Get To The Superbowl by Dan Marino\r\n\r\nThings I Can't Afford by Bill Gates",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6940,
"title": "Shortest Books Ever Not Written"
},
{
"body": "A man was watching television when there was a knock on the door. He answered it, but only a snail was there. So he picked it up and threw it into the street. \r\n\r\nTwo years later, the man heard another knock on the door. He opened the door and it was the snail again. The snail says, \"What was that all about?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6941,
"title": "Snail at the Door"
},
{
"body": "Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California. \r\n\r\nWhite minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language. \r\n\r\nSpotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock. \r\n\r\nBaby conceived naturally; Scientists stumped. \r\n\r\nAuthentic year 2000 \"Chad\" sells at Sotheby's for $1.6 million. \r\n\r\nCastro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. \r\n\r\nGeorge Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2044. \r\n\r\nPostal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only. \r\n\r\n35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. \r\n\r\nMassachusetts executes last remaining conservative. \r\n\r\nSupreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. \r\n\r\nUpcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. \r\n\r\nAverage height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. \r\n\r\nMicrosoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed. \r\n\r\nNew federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2046. \r\n\r\nCongress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. \r\n\r\nIRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6945,
"title": "Headlines For 2043"
},
{
"body": "+15\u00c2\u00b0C / 59\u00c2\u00b0F\r\nThis is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.\r\nPeople in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.\r\nThe Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.\r\n\r\n+10\u00c2\u00b0C / 50\u00c2\u00b0F\r\nThe French are trying in vain to start their central heating.\r\nThe Finns plant flowers in their gardens.\r\n\r\n+5\u00c2\u00b0C / 41\u00c2\u00b0F\r\nItalian cars won't start,\r\nThe Finns are cruising in cabriolets.\r\n\r\n0\u00c2\u00b0C / 32\u00c2\u00b0F\r\nDistilled water freezes.\r\nThe water in Vantaa river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.\r\n\r\n-5\u00c2\u00b0C / 23\u00c2\u00b0F\r\nPeople in California almost freeze to death.\r\nThe Finns have their final barbecue before winter.\r\n\r\n-10\u00c2\u00b0C / 14\u00c2\u00b0F\r\nThe Brits start the heat in their houses.\r\nThe Finns start using long sleeves.\r\n\r\n-20\u00c2\u00b0C / -4\u00c2\u00b0F\r\nThe Aussies flee from Mallorca.\r\nThe Finns end their Midsummer celebrations.\r\nAutumn is here.\r\n\r\n-30\u00c2\u00b0C / -22\u00c2\u00b0F\r\nPeople in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.\r\nThe Finns start drying their laundry indoors.\r\n\r\n-40\u00c2\u00b0C / -40\u00c2\u00b0F\r\nParis start cracking in the cold.\r\nThe Finns stand in line at the hotdog stands.\r\n\r\n-50\u00c2\u00b0C / -58\u00c2\u00b0F\r\nPolar bears start evacuating the North Pole.\r\nThe Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.\r\n\r\n-60\u00c2\u00b0C / -76\u00c2\u00b0F\r\nKorvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes.\r\nThe Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.\r\n\r\n-70\u00c2\u00b0C / -94\u00c2\u00b0F\r\nThe false Santa moves south.\r\nThe Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors.\r\nThe Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.\r\n\r\n-183\u00c2\u00b0C / -297.4\u00c2\u00b0F\r\nMicrobes in food don't survive.\r\nThe Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.\r\n\r\n-273\u00c2\u00b0C / -459.4\u00c2\u00b0F\r\nALL atom-based movent halts.\r\nThe Finns start saying \"Perkele (=damn), it's cold outside today.\"\r\n\r\n-300\u00c2\u00b0C / -508\u00c2\u00b0F\r\nHell freezes over, Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6946,
"title": "This is Finland"
},
{
"body": "Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, \"Frankly, you're lucky to be here.\" \r\n\r\nThe Pope says, \"Why? What did I do wrong on earth?\" \r\n\r\nSt. Peter says, \"God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests.\" \r\n\r\nThe Pope says, \"He's mad about THAT?\" \r\n\r\nSt. Peter says, \"She's furious.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 6947,
"title": "Furious"
},
{
"body": "A couple is at an Art exhibition, and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men, sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis, and the one in the middle has a pink penis. \r\n\r\nAs the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the artist walks by and says \"Can I help you with this painting. I'm the artist who painted it.\" \r\n\r\nThe man says \"Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have black penises.\" \r\n\r\nThe artist says \"Oh, you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 6948,
"title": "3 Black Men"
},
{
"body": "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley\r\n\r\nNot everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - James Baldwin\r\n\r\nLife is hard. After all, it kills you. - Katherine Hepburn\r\n\r\nIf drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? \"Would you like some breadsticks?\" \"No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll.\" - George Carlin\r\n\r\nHow old would you be if you didn't know how old you were? - Satchel Paige\r\n\r\nBehind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carrey\r\n\r\nMy dog is half pit bull, half poodle. It's not much of a watchdog, but it's a vicious gossip. - Craig Shoemaker\r\n\r\nAs a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions. - Woody Allen\r\n\r\nThey say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them! - George Carlin\r\n\r\nI have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. - Ronald Reagan\r\n\r\nIf you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president. That would be really cool. The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House, it doesn't look very cozy. - Jennifer Lopez\r\n\r\nBorder relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better. - George W. Bush\r\n\r\nI'll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I'll go, 'Wow, he's really not a very good actor!' - Ashton Kutcher\r\n\r\nProfanity is the adjective of the feeble minded. - Gordon Lane\r\n\r\nWhen people say \"clean as a whistle\", they forget that a whistle is full of spit. - George Carlin\r\n\r\nA man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor\r\n\r\nHe who stops being better stops being good. - Oliver Cromwell\r\n\r\nYou see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy - Erica Jong\r\n\r\nPut your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. - Albert Einstein\r\n\r\nThe trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it! - Franklin Jones\r\n\r\nOutside of the killings, Washington DC has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Marion Barry\r\n\r\nA hospital bed is a parked taxi, with the meter running - Groucho Marx\r\n\r\nI would never die for my beliefs, because I might be wrong. - Bertrand Russell\r\n\r\nA man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits. - Richard Nixon\r\n\r\nI'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror. - Richard Lewis\r\n\r\nIf you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. - Dolly Parton\r\n\r\nDog is God spelled backwards. That means something, I'm just not sure what exactly, but human is numah spelled backwards. - Marc-Christophe\r\n\r\nWhy don't they have waiters in waiting rooms? - George Carlin\r\n\r\nAccording to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does. - Conan O'Brien\r\n\r\n30. All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. - Ellen DeGeneres\r\n\r\nHousework can't kill you, but why take the chance? - Phyllis Diller\r\n\r\nBefore we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language. - Caroline Rhea\r\n\r\nOnce you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein\r\n\r\nHaving kids is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. - Martin Mull\r\n\r\nDon't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. - Howard Aiken\r\n\r\nWaiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say \"Thank you.\" That's now escalated into \"You care care of yourself, now.\" The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, \"Don't put off that mammogram.\" - Rita Rudner\r\n\r\nSincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made. - George Burns\r\n\r\nTime flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana. - Groucho Marx\r\n\r\nI don't think my family liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. - Woody Allen\r\n\r\nI guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. - Janeane Garofalo\r\n\r\nWhen will all the rhetorical questions end? - George Carlin\r\n\r\nI got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout. - Joan Rivers\r\n\r\nA little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. - Willy Wonka\r\n\r\nWhether you believe you can or believe you can't, you're probably right. - Henry Ford\r\n\r\nMiddle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope\r\n\r\nI wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner\r\n\r\nNever kick a fresh turd on a hot day. - Harry S. Truman\r\n\r\nMoney will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money. - Groucho Marx\r\n\r\nHappiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer\r\n\r\n50. The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights. - John Paul Getty\r\n\r\nStrength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces. - Judith Viorst\r\n\r\nIt takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow\r\n\r\nSuccess is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington\r\n\r\nA door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Ogden Nash\r\n\r\nThe time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. - Bertrand Russell\r\n\r\nYou make a living by what you get, you make a life by what you give - Winston Churchill\r\n\r\nIf a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. - Martin Luther King Jr. \r\n\r\nI wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. - Tom Lehrer\r\n\r\nThe most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce\r\n\r\nTalk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. - Anonymous\r\n\r\nThere are very few people who don't become more interesting when they stop talking. - Mary Lowry\r\n\r\nThe opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. - Fran Lebowitz\r\n\r\nAll men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. - Red Skelton\r\n\r\nCommon sense is not so common. - Voltaire\r\n\r\nBecause things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. - Bertolt Brecht\r\n\r\nAlways be sincere. Even if you don't mean it. - Harry S. Truman\r\n\r\nIt used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge. - George Carlin\r\n\r\nFirst they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win. - Mahatma Gandhi\r\n\r\nWhen you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Norm Crosby\r\n\r\nHaving a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool. - George Carlin\r\n\r\nYou do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. - Albert Einstein\r\n\r\nSure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them were serious. - Alan Minter (Boxer)\r\n\r\nCountries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. - Emo Philips\r\n\r\nA verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Samuel Goldwyn\r\n\r\nIf you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck. - Elvis Presley\r\n\r\nWhy does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen\r\n\r\nIf life gives you lemons, make some sort of fruity juice. - Conan O'Brien",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6951,
"title": "Famous Quotes To Ponder"
},
{
"body": "I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, \"Whoa, I'm way too high!\" - Bruce Baum\r\n\r\nDid you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy \r\n\r\nWhen you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? - Robin Williams\r\n\r\nThe problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy\r\n\r\nI'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. - Michael McShane\r\n\r\nWhat happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry\r\n\r\nBisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Rodney Dangerfield\r\n\r\nShould I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend? - Dennis Miller\r\n\r\nScratch a dog, and you'll find a permanent job. - Franklin P. Jones\r\n\r\nIf the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringley\r\n\r\nWithout question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry\r\n\r\nIt is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. - John Dryden\r\n\r\nA new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies! - Bill Maher\r\n\r\nAh, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams\r\n\r\nOn my gravestone, I want to say \"I told you I was sick.\" - Tom Waits\r\n\r\nA pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. - Laurence J. Peter\r\n\r\nToo often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late. - Rita Coolidge\r\n\r\nWomen complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne\r\n\r\nThose who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, \"Thank God, I'm still alive.\" But, of course, those who died - their lives will never be the same again. - Barbara Boxer, Senator \r\n\r\nI ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. The always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres\r\n\r\nI went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, \"I could kill you in seven seconds.\" I go, \"I'll just have toast, then.\" - Margaret Smith\r\n\r\nThey laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. - Carl Sagan\r\n\r\nYou can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, \"My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!\" - Dave Barry\r\n\r\nThe difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends. - Bobby Kelton\r\n\r\nAccording to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno\r\n\r\nI worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin\r\n\r\nAt 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: \"My dad owns a liquor store.\" - Mark Klein\r\n\r\nI am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. - Bill Cosby\r\n\r\nIn the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra...Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno\r\n\r\nI love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley\r\n\r\nA study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: \"Duh!\" - Conan O'Brien\r\n\r\nI have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler\r\n\r\nThe problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams\r\n\r\nIn high school, I wanted to be a feminist, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me. - Denise Munro\r\n\r\nIf a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. - Dave Barry\r\n\r\nRelationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. - Bob Ettinger\r\n\r\nMy mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' - Paula Poundstone\r\n\r\nWhy does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery\r\n\r\nI think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, \"Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.\" - Richard Jeni\r\n\r\nIf life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson\r\n\r\nSometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.\" - Paul Rodriguez\r\n\r\nIn elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson\r\n\r\nSome women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? - Marsha Warfield\r\n\r\nBigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde\r\n\r\nSuppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain\r\n\r\nMy mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen\r\n\r\nWe have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, \"You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.\" - Elayne Boosler\r\n\r\nAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller\r\n\r\nI think I am, therefore I am. I think. - George Carlin\r\n\r\nThere's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - Jay Leno\r\n\r\nThe post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis... - Conan O'Brien\r\n\r\nMen look at women the way men look at cars... Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons... - Tim Allen\r\n\r\nThere's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know... Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, \"I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.\" - Jerry Seinfield\r\n\r\nI was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. - Rita Rudner\r\n\r\nMen are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. - Tim Allen\r\n\r\nAT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, \"The check's in the mail,\" people are going to say, \"Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote.\" - Jay Leno\r\n\r\nYou make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers\r\n\r\nA survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! - Jay Leno\r\n\r\nI get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada. - Britney Spears\r\n\r\nElectricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see it shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. - Tim Allen\r\n\r\nMen do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. - Rita Rudner\r\n\r\nIf you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin\r\n\r\nThat married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked... - Bill Cosby\r\n\r\nI am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor\r\n\r\nAfter making love I said to my girl, \"Was it good for you too?\" And she said, \"I don't think this was good for anybody.\" - Garry Shandling\r\n\r\nIf your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. - Dick Cavett",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6952,
"title": "More Famous Quotes To Ponder"
},
{
"body": "If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6953,
"title": "Electricity"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so dumb, she was killed in a pie eating contest when the cow sat on her!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 6954,
"title": "Pie Eating Contest"
},
{
"body": "A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: \"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.\" \r\n\r\nThe clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: \"There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price.\" The dog replied, \"But that would make no sense at all.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6955,
"title": "Dog Goes to a Telegram Office..."
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you have when there are 100 rabbits standing in a row and they all start hopping backwards? \r\n\r\nA: Receding hare line.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6957,
"title": "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow"
},
{
"body": "Reporters asked Dan Quayle what he thought of Roe v. Wade? His response: \"Two alternate ways to cross the Potomac.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 6959,
"title": "Duh!"
},
{
"body": "What does the \"O\" and the \"N\" stand for in 'CLEMSON'? \r\n\r\n\r\nThe \"O\" is for honor, and the \"N\" for knowledge.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 6962,
"title": "Cow U."
},
{
"body": "Ever hear about the Polish athlete who won a gold medal? He had it bronzed.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 6963,
"title": "OOPS"
},
{
"body": "A 6 year old was in a car with her parents. She kept having sneezing fits, and she kept splattering snot all over the seats. Eventually, the Mum and Dad gave up on trying to stop the sneezing, and told the little girl to put her hands up when she sneezed. The little girl did so, raising her hands above her head, and sneezed on the Mum's face!!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 6968,
"title": "Sneeze"
},
{
"body": "Texan: \"Where are you from?\"\r\n\r\nHarvard graduate: \"I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.\"\r\n\r\nTexan: \"OK, where are you from, Jackass?\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 6970,
"title": "Texans...... Ayayayayay"
},
{
"body": "Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, \"I slept with your mother!\" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, \"I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!\" The other says, \"Go home dad you're drunk.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 6972,
"title": "Drunk Weasels"
},
{
"body": "10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk\r\nBut the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.\r\n\r\n9. Our love will never become cold and hollow\r\nUnless, one day, you refuse to swallow.\r\n\r\n8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store\r\nIn hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.\r\n\r\n7. This feels so good, it feels so right\r\nI just wish it wasn't $250 a night.\r\n\r\n6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class\r\nEspecially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.\r\n\r\n5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished\r\nBut now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!\r\n\r\n4. Through all the things that came to pass\r\nOur love has grown. . . but so's your ass.\r\n\r\n3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie\r\nI just wished you had J-Lo's \"booty\".\r\n\r\n2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny\r\nSo, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!\r\n\r\n1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,\r\nyou should check out the one that I gave to your sister!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6977,
"title": "Bad Cards to Give on Valentines Day"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: \"A beer please, and one for the road.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6979,
"title": "For the Road"
},
{
"body": "\"Hard drive\" -- \r\n\r\nTrying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.\r\n\r\n\"Keyboard\" -- \r\n\r\n1. Place to hang your truck keys. \r\n2. Whare you're supposed to put da keys so da wife can find 'em. \r\n\r\n\"Window\" -- \r\n\r\nPlace in the truck to hang your guns.\r\n\r\n\"Floppy\" -- \r\n\r\nWhen you run out of Polygrip.\r\n\r\n\"Modem\" -- \r\n\r\n1. How you got rid of your dandelions. \r\n2. What you did to da hay fields last July. (from NetDummy Humor)\r\n\r\n\"ROM\" -- \r\n\r\nDelicious when you mix it with coca cola.\r\n\r\n\"Byte\" -- \r\n\r\nFirst word in a kiss-off phrase.\r\n\r\n\"Reboot\" -- \r\n\r\nWhat you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.\r\n\r\n\"Network\" -- \r\n\r\nActivity meant to provide bait for your trot line.\r\n\r\n\"Mouse\" -- \r\n\r\n1. Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case. \r\n2. What leaves those little turds in da cupboard.\r\n\r\n\"LAN\" -- \r\n\r\nTo borrow as in, \"Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck.\"\r\n\r\n\"Cursor\" -- \r\n\r\nWhat some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.\r\n\r\n\"Bit\" -- \r\n\r\nA wager as in, \"I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways.\"\r\n\r\n\"Digital Control\" -- \r\n\r\nWhat yore fingers do on the TV remote.\r\n\r\n\"Packet\" -- \r\n\r\nWhat you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.\r\n\r\n\"Tab\" -- \r\n\r\nThe amount of money you owe the bartender out of your next paycheck.\r\n\r\n\"Space bar\" -- \r\n\r\nWhere aliens and astronauts go when they are thirsty.\r\n\r\n\"Backspace\" -- \r\n\r\nThe place in back of front seat of the car where you keep a case of beer.\r\n\r\n\"Alt\" -- \r\n\r\nForm of verb \"be\" like, \"I alt be gone now.\"\r\n\r\n\"Delete\" -- \r\n\r\nThe lighter object like, \"Don't gimmy the heavy one, gimmy delete one.\"\r\n\r\n\"My Briefcase\" -- \r\n\r\nWhat you put all your ol' stuff in when \"she\" gets mad at you.\r\n\r\n\r\n\"Shift\" -- \r\n\r\nWhat you must do when blue lights come on.\r\n\r\n\"Disc\" -- \r\n\r\nWhat you do before you plow, to level the ground.\r\n\r\n\"Ram\" -- \r\n\r\n1. Dodge pick up truck. \r\n2. Da hydraulic thing that makes da woodsplitter work. \r\n\r\n\"Rom\" -- \r\n\r\nWander: \"Wher' ya goin?\" \"Ah dunnow. Recon I'll jus rom round\"\r\n\r\n\"Refresh\" -- \r\n\r\nMix another Jack Daniels and 7. \r\n\r\n\"Browser\" -- \r\n\r\nBowser's name when you're drunk.\r\n\r\n\"Web\" -- \r\n\r\nDUH? should be obvious. What spiders make, tickles yer butt when you gotta go while in the woods. \r\n\r\n\"Edit\" -- \r\n\r\nPast tense of \"eat\" \"Wher'd that leftover possum belly go?\" \" You edit afore you passed out las nite. \r\n\r\n\"Gig\" -- \r\n\r\nFrogging implement; frog gig. Used while air boating. A bamboo, or fiberglass pole with straightened fish hooks on the business end for spearing frogs.\r\n\r\n\"Internet\" -- \r\n\r\nWhere her fish were when she caught em ( In er net).\r\n\r\n\"Buddy list\" -- \r\n\r\nNames and phone numbers on the inside wall of the public outhouse above the hole.\r\n\r\n\"Tab\" -- \r\n\r\nAncient soft drink, used to mix low calorie drinks with white lightnin.\r\n\r\n\"Computer Chips\" -- \r\n\r\nWhat you have when your computer takes a dump, sorta like cow chips.\r\n\r\nThe following were contributed by Jeremy (The Yankee Redneck).\r\n\r\n\"Shift\" -- \r\n\r\nWhat you do to get that truck to go.\r\n\r\n\"Ins\" -- \r\n\r\nTo Enter, as in, \"Ins ya go, outs you go\".\r\n\r\nThe following were contributed by Sonovabic.\r\n\r\n\"Scanner\" -- \r\n\r\n1. What you do to a good lookin' woman. \r\n2. What you listen to the police band on.\r\n\r\nThe following were taken from Net Dummy Humor.\r\n\r\n\"Log On\" -- \r\n\r\nMaking da wood stove hotter.\r\n\r\n\"Log Off \" -- \r\n\r\nDon't add wood.\r\n\r\n\"Monitor\" -- \r\n\r\n1. Keep an eye on da wood stove. \r\n2. What you do when you suspect your wife of cheatin. (from Tweetheart86chic)\r\n\r\n\"Megahertz\" -- \r\n\r\nWhen a big log drops on your bare foot in da morning.\r\n\r\n\"Floppy Disk\" -- \r\n\r\nWhat you get from piling too much wood.\r\n\r\n\"Drive\" -- \r\n\r\nGetting home during most of the winter in Kentucky.\r\n\r\n\"Prompt\" -- \r\n\r\nWhat you wish da mail was during the snow season.\r\n\r\n\"Enter\" -- \r\n\r\nCome on in.\r\n\r\n\"Windows\" -- \r\n\r\nWhat you shut when it gets 10 below.\r\n\r\n\"Screen\" -- \r\n\r\nWhat is a must during black fly season.\r\n\r\n\"Chip\" -- \r\n\r\nWhat you munch during Wildcat's games.\r\n\r\n\"Microchip\" -- \r\n\r\nWhat's left in da bag when da chips are gone.\r\n\r\n\"Dot Matrix\" -- \r\n\r\nEino Matrix's wife.\r\n\r\n\"Laptop\" -- \r\n\r\nWhere da grandkids sit.\r\n\r\n\"Software\" -- \r\n\r\nThem plastic picnic utensils, eh?.\r\n\r\n\"Mainframe\" -- \r\n\r\nDa part of da sauna that holds up da roof.\r\n\r\n\"Port\" -- \r\n\r\nWhere da commercial fishin boats dock.\r\n\r\n\"Random Access Memory\" -- \r\n\r\nWhan you can't remember how much you spent on da new deer rifle when Wifee asks about it.\r\n\r\nThis is from an unknown source.\r\n\r\n\"Fonts\" -- \r\n\r\nThat really cool guy from the show, Happy Days.\r\n\r\n\"Laptop\" -- \r\n\r\nWhere the stripper sits.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 6980,
"title": "Redneck Computer Terms"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock.\r\n\r\nWho's There?\r\n\r\nTank.\r\n\r\nTank Who?\r\n\r\nYou're Welcome!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 6984,
"title": "Tank"
},
{
"body": "What did the tornado say to the pecan tree? \"Hold onto your nuts, this is not your average blow job!\"\r\n\r\nWhat has four hands and eats aunts? Two uncles.\r\n\r\nWhat do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? Usually an onion with long ears, but sometime you get a piece of ass that will make your eyes water.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6988,
"title": "Blowin' In The Wind"
},
{
"body": "What's a Jewish dilemma? A free ham sandwich.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 6989,
"title": "Ugh!"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?\r\nA: Eileen.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a boy with one foot in the door?\r\nA: Justin.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a girl who gambles?\r\nA: Betty.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a girl with one foot on either side of the river?\r\nA: Bridget.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a man with a spade on his head?\r\nA: Doug.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a girl with only one pants leg?\r\nA: Jean.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a man who's a talented painter?\r\nA: Art.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a man with a car on his head?\r\nA: Jack.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a lady in the distance?\r\nA: Dot.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?\r\nA: Lily.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a man with numbers down his front?\r\nA: Bill.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a man in a pile of leaves?\r\nA: Russel.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?\r\nA: Warren.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?\r\nA: Cliff.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a man who steals a lot?\r\nA: Robin.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 6990,
"title": "Crazy Names"
},
{
"body": "Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary\r\n \r\n''Haven't I seen you before?'' = ''Nice ass.'' \r\n''I'm a Romantic.'' = ''I'm poor.'' \r\n''I need you.'' = ''My hand is tired.'' \r\n''I am different from all the other guys.'' = ''I am not circumcised.'' \r\n''I want a commitment.'' = ''I'm sick of masturbation.'' \r\n''You're the only girl I've ever cared about.'' = ''You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me.'' \r\n''I really want to get to know you better.'' = ''So I can tell my friends about it.'' \r\n''It's just orange juice, try it.'' = ''3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.'' \r\n''She's kinda cute.'' = ''I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.'' \r\n''I don't know if I like her.'' = ''She won't sleep with me.'' \r\n''I miss you so much.'' = ''I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.'' \r\n''Was it good for you?'' = ''I'm insecure about my manhood.'' \r\n''How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?'' = ''Is my penis really that small?'' \r\n''I had a wonderful time last night.'' = ''Who the hell are you?'' \r\n''Do you love me?'' = ''I've done something stupid and you might find out.'' \r\n''Do you 'really' love me?'' = ''I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.'' \r\n''How much do you love me?'' = ''I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now.'' \r\n''I have something to tell you.'' = ''Get tested.'' \r\n''I'll give you a call.'' = ''I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.'' \r\n''I've been thinking a lot.'' = ''You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.'' \r\n''I think we should just be friends.'' = ''You're ugly.'' \r\n''I've learned a lot from you.'' = ''Next!'' \r\n''I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?'' = ''I gotta turn on my answering machine.''",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 6991,
"title": "What He Really Means"
},
{
"body": "Three men are fishing. One catches a magic fish that will grant each one a wish if they let him go.\r\n\r\nThe first one wishes he could double his IQ. It is done. \r\n\r\nThe second one wishes to triple his IQ. It is done.\r\n\r\nThe last one (who is an idiot) wishes to multiply his IQ by a 1/2. The fish asks if he is sure; the man nods.\r\n\r\nWhen the fish grants his wish, he turns into a blond.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 6992,
"title": "Magic Fish"
},
{
"body": "Actual bumper sticker on a jeep (the writing was upside down). \"If you can read this, flip me over!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6993,
"title": "Bumper Sticker"
},
{
"body": "What has wheels and flies?\r\n\r\nAnswer: Garbage truck",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 6994,
"title": "Joke"
},
{
"body": "You don't have to go faster than the bear, you just have to go faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 6998,
"title": "Faster Than The Bear"
},
{
"body": "Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet. \r\nFault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. \r\nSolution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. \r\n\r\nSymptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear. \r\nFault: Glass is empty. \r\nSolution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. \r\n\r\nSymptom: Feet cold and wet. \r\nFault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. \r\n\r\nSolution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. \r\n\r\nSymptom: Feet warm and wet. \r\nFault: Loss of self-control. \r\nSolution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. \r\n\r\nSymptom: Bar blurred. \r\nFault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. \r\nSolution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. \r\n\r\nSymptom: Bar swaying. \r\nFault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress. \r\nSolution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. \r\n\r\nSymptom: Bar moving. \r\nFault: You are being carried out. \r\nSolution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked. \r\n\r\nSymptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. \r\nFault: You have fallen over backwards. \r\nSolution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. \r\n\r\nSymptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends. \r\nFault: You have fallen over forwards. \r\nSolution: Same as for falling over backwards. \r\n\r\nSymptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. \r\nFault: You have spent the night in the gutter. \r\nSolution: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in. \r\n\r\nSymptom: Everything has gone dim. \r\nFault: The pub is closing. \r\nSolution: PANIC !!!!!",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 6999,
"title": "Drinkers Fault Finding Guide."
},
{
"body": "If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?\r\n\r\nIf there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?\r\n\r\nWhy do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?\r\n\r\nWhy do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?\r\n\r\nWhy is it good to be a Daddy's girl, but bad to be a Momma's boy?\r\n\r\nAren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don't know if they are rhetorical questions or not?\r\n\r\nIf a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?\r\n\r\nDid you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!\r\n\r\nIf quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, \"Quit while you're ahead\"?\r\n\r\nIf Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7002,
"title": "Even MORE of the Questions That Have Confused Me"
},
{
"body": "The following diet has been circulated at one of the local clinics. Some may find it stimulating. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBREAKFAST: \r\n--------- \r\n1/2 grapefruit \r\n1 slice whole wheat toast \r\n8 oz skim milk \r\n\r\nLUNCH: \r\n------ \r\n4 oz lean Broiled chicken breast \r\n1 cup steamed zucchini \r\n1 Oreo Cookie \r\nHerb tea \r\n\r\nMID-AFTERNOON SNACK: \r\n------- \r\nRest of package of Oreos \r\n1 qt. rocky road ice cream \r\n1 jar hot fudge \r\n\r\nDINNER: \r\n------- \r\n2 loaves garlic bread \r\nLarge pepperoni & mushroom pizza \r\nLarge pitcher beer (any brand - it all comes from the same horse, anyway) \r\n3 Milky Way bars \r\nEntire Sara Lee cheesecake - direct from freezer. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nDIET TIPS\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIf no one sees you eat it --- it has no calories. \r\n\r\nIf you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel each other out. \r\n\r\nWhen eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount. \r\n\r\nFood used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts such as: Hot Chocolate, Brandy, Toast and Sarah Lee cheesecake. \r\n\r\nIf YOU fatten up EVERYONE ELSE around you--then YOU look thinner. \r\n\r\nMovie related foods don't count because they are simply part of the entire entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel, such as Milk Duds, popcorn with extra butter, and Junior Mints.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7003,
"title": "Stress Diet"
},
{
"body": "Q. What are the strongest days of the week?\r\n\r\nA. Saturday and Sunday, because all the rest are week days.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7005,
"title": "Strongest Days?"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so poor, I saw her walking down the street with one shoe, and I said, \"Hey, you lost a shoe.\" And she said, \"No, I found one.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7007,
"title": "One Shoe"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put \"Okay!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7008,
"title": "Job Application- Stupid"
},
{
"body": "A man was walking in a rich neighborhood when he saw a lost dog ad. Part of the bottom line of the ad was torn by the weather, so all the man could see of the ad was \r\n LOST DOG\r\n IF FOUND CALL 555-5555\r\n REWARD: \r\n ALL OF MY FAMILY'S (blank blank blank)\r\n\r\nBeing as this was a rich neighborhood, the man assumed that the blank in the ad represented money. He was very excited at the thought of owning all of a rich family's money, so he very desperately searched for the dog.\r\n\r\nAfter one week of desperate searching, the man found the missing dog and immidiately returned it to the family. A woman came to the door and excitedly said, \"Thank goodness someone found our precious puppy!\" and closed the door.\r\n\r\nQuite confused, the man rang the doorbell again, where the same woman politely asked what the man wanted. \"My reward,\" the man replied. She said, \"Oh, yes. Sir, my family sends all of its thanks to you. That is all what it said on the ads as reward, so thank you and goodbye!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7013,
"title": "Rich Lost Dog"
},
{
"body": "The Goriest, Scariest, Yuckiest Top 12 Things You Really Don't Want To See Written In Blood...\r\n\r\n12) \"Richard Hillman did it and------\"\r\n11) \"Can you guess where your friends are?\"\r\n10) Your name signed on a Microsoft License Agreement\r\n9) \"Remember that kid you picked on during Junior Cert year...\"\r\n8) Your name on the bottom of a contract from Fianna Fail. (Irish government party) \r\n7) \"See! I can spell! Yor next\"\r\n6) \"Luke, I am your father.\"\r\n5) \"Where the feck are the Elastoplasts?\"\r\n4) Your overdue Visa bill\r\n3) \"Does anyone have a spare Tampax?\"\r\n2) \"Did yez ever wonder what happened to the blood you donated?\"\r\n1) \"Dude you're gettin' a Dell!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 7014,
"title": "Things Written in Blood"
},
{
"body": "DORMITORY: \r\nWhen you rearrange the letters: \r\nDIRTY ROOM \r\n\r\nPRESBYTERIAN: \r\nWhen you rearrange the letters: \r\nBEST IN PRAYER \r\n\r\nASTRONOMER: \r\nWhen you rearrange the letters: \r\nMOON STARER \r\n\r\nDESPERATION: \r\nWhen you rearrange the letters: \r\nA ROPE ENDS IT \r\n\r\nTHE EYES: \r\nWhen you rearrange the letters: \r\nTHEY SEE \r\n\r\nSLOT MACHINES: \r\nWhen you rearrange the letters: \r\nCASH LOST IN ME \r\n\r\nANIMOSITY: \r\nWhen you rearrange the letters: \r\nIS NO AMITY \r\n\r\nELECTION RESULTS: \r\nWhen you rearrange the letters: \r\nLIES - LET'S RECOUNT\r\n \r\nELEVEN PLUS TWO: \r\nWhen you rearrange the letters: \r\nTWELVE PLUS ONE\r\n\r\nSNOOZE ALARMS: \r\nWhen you rearrange the letters: \r\nALAS! NO MORE Z 'S \r\n\r\nA DECIMAL POINT: \r\nWhen you rearrange the letters: \r\nIM A DOT IN PLACE \r\n\r\nAND FINALLY...\r\n\r\nMOTHER-IN-LAW: \r\nWhen you rearrange the letters: \r\nWOMAN HITLER",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7015,
"title": "Rearranging Letters"
},
{
"body": "1) Umm...\r\n2) Well... \r\n3) Hmmm, er...\r\n4)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7017,
"title": "Top 10 Reasons For Writers Block."
},
{
"body": "Save the trees - wipe your arse with an owl.\r\n\r\n\"My point-and-click interface is an Uzi submachine gun.\"\r\n\r\nSaint Michael - patron saint of underpants\r\n\r\nI'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.\r\n\r\nI'm completely sane, according to the voices in my head.\r\n\r\nMy wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.\r\n\r\nSkiing is for people who can't just break their legs around the house.\r\n\r\nPenguins mate for life. That doesn't surprise me much cos they all look alike.\r\n\r\nGrammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever!\r\n\r\nIf I were a recovering s*x addict, I'd opt for group therapy.\r\n\r\n\"I hope I never do anything to bring shame on myself, my family or my other family.\"\r\n\r\n\"Secret\": Something you tell to one person at a time.\r\n\"Tomorrow\": One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.\r\n\r\nOpera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.\r\n\r\nMy short-term memory ain't what it something something.\r\n\r\nI am an I/O Error.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7018,
"title": "T-shirt Slogans"
},
{
"body": "* \"On the advice of our solicitors, this T-shirt bears no message at this time\".\r\n* \"That's it! I'm calling me granny\" (seen on a seven-year-old)\r\n* \"Rehab is for quitters\"\r\n* \"My dog can lick anyone\"\r\n* \"Party - my cot - 2 a.m.\" (on a baby-size T-shirt)\r\n* \"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS FECKIN' CAR!\"\r\n* \"They call it 'PMT' cos 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken\"\r\n* \"A picture is worth a thousand words - but it uses up a thousand times the memory.\"\r\n* \"HAM AND EGGS - a day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.\"\r\n* \"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.\"\r\n* \"The trouble with life is there's no background music.\"\r\n* \"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.\"\r\n* \"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.\"\r\n* \"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7019,
"title": "More T-shirt Slogans"
},
{
"body": "Walking by, a minister saw his 5-year-old son and playmates find a dead robin.\r\n\r\nFeeling that proper burial should be performed, the children had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.\r\n\r\nThe minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: \"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn... and into the hole he gooooes.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7021,
"title": "Glory Be Unto the Father"
},
{
"body": "A man and his love had a terrible spat:\r\nShe scratched his face and he knocked her flat;\r\nShe spat at him and he threw her around;\r\nShe jumped from behind and he fell to the ground.\r\nHow sad to see such trouble as that...\r\n\r\nBetween a man and his household cat!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7022,
"title": "A Man and His Love"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so ugly her reflection quit.\r\n\r\nYo momma so old that when I slapped her back her boobs fell off.\r\n\r\nYo momma so fat when she stepped in the deepest part of the ocean, she got her foot wet.\r\n\r\nYo momma so old and fat, she told us about the story of how she farted and killed all the dinosaurs.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7024,
"title": "I Don Wanna Meet Yo Mamma!"
},
{
"body": "When kids say:\r\n\r\nThe party is supervised = It's supervised by a grandparent who falls asleep most of the time.\r\n\r\nI'm doing well in school = Oh crap, I need help.\r\n\r\nIt's okay, I don't need help = Get the heck away from me.\r\n\r\n\r\nWhen men say:\r\n\r\nHi honey, how are you? = I've been cheating on you for the last 2 months, or, I cheated on you last night.\r\n\r\nWhen women say:\r\n\r\nI'm too tired to make dinner = Who do you think I am making dinner for you every night? Can't a woman take a frickin' break?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7025,
"title": "What They Reeeaally Mean"
},
{
"body": "Q: What did the little chick say when his mom laid an orange?\r\n\r\nA: Look at the orange-mama-lade!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7027,
"title": "A Real Groaner!"
},
{
"body": "aaaaa",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7028,
"title": "Ppp"
},
{
"body": "A neutron walks into a bar and asks, \"How much for a drink?\".\r\n\r\nThe bartender replies, \"For you, no charge\".",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 7029,
"title": "The Neutron"
},
{
"body": "My wife who is blonde came running up to me in the driveway the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. \r\n\r\nShe said, \"Honey, I have some really great news for you!\" I said, \"Great. Tell me what you're so happy about.\" She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, \"That's great! I couldn't be happier!\"\r\n\r\nThen, she said \"Oh, honey, there's more.\" I asked, \"What do you mean 'more'?\" She said, \"Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!\" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, \"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7031,
"title": "Twins!"
},
{
"body": "Annoy People \r\n\r\n\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\n1. Pay tolls with $100 bills \r\n\r\n2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot \r\n\r\n3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it \r\n\r\n4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two \r\n\r\n5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April \r\n\r\n6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons \r\n\r\n7. Knock and ask \"How is it going?\" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall. \r\n\r\n8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines \r\n\r\n9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom \r\n\r\n10. Chew other people's pencils \r\n\r\n11. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. \r\n\r\n12. Wear large hats during the movies \r\n\r\n13. Touch strangers \r\n\r\n14. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus \r\n\r\n15. Bite your dentist's finger \r\n\r\n16. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. \r\n\r\n18. Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads \r\n\r\n19. Don't stand during hymns and anthems \r\n\r\n20. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa \r\n\r\n21. Tell people they have bad breath \r\n\r\n22. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. \r\n\r\n23. Flirt with a friend's spouse \r\n\r\n24. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team \r\n\r\n25. Shake with your left hand \r\n\r\n26. Use the quote bunnies after every other word you say when talking to someone. \r\n\r\n27. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you \"like it that way\". \r\n\r\n28. Drum on every available surface. \r\n\r\n29. Staple papers in the middle of the page. \r\n\r\n30. Specify that your drive-through order is \"to go\". \r\n\r\n31. Honk and wave to strangers. \r\n\r\n32. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. \r\n\r\n33. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. \r\n\r\n34. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. \r\n\r\n35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. \r\n\r\n36. Pay for your dinner with pennies. \r\n\r\n37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. \r\n\r\n38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. \r\n\r\n39. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. \r\n\r\n40. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. \r\n\r\n41. Reply to everything someone says with \"that's what YOU think.\" \r\n\r\nAnnoy Cops \r\n\r\n\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\n42. Say out loud when he/she approaches you \"You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?\" \r\n\r\n43. Ask to see his gun. \r\n\r\n44. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. \r\n\r\n45. Say out loud \"Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!\" \r\n\r\n46. Slap his hand and say \"Bad cop! No donut!\" \r\n\r\n47. When he frisks you, say \"You missed a spot\", and grin. \r\n\r\n48. After every other sentence oink like a pig quietly to yourself but loud enough for him to hear you. \r\n\r\n49. Refer to him by his first name. \r\n\r\n50. When he comes up to the car, say \"License and registration, please\" right when he says it. \r\n\r\nAnnoy Your roomate \r\n\r\n\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\n51. Smoke weed. Do whatever comes naturally. \r\n\r\n52. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. \r\n\r\n53. Twitch a lot when you guys eat dinner. \r\n\r\n54. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. \r\n\r\n55. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. \r\n\r\n56. Ask him/her to do you a favor and get you a drink, then when they bring it, slowly pour it on the floor. \r\n\r\n57. Clip your toenails while watching a movie or eating dinner. \r\n\r\n58. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin. \r\n\r\n59. Speak in tongues. \r\n\r\n60. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling. \r\n\r\n61. Walk and talk backwards. \r\n\r\n62. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them. \r\n\r\n63. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, \"They're more than meets the eye.\" \r\n\r\n64. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g.\"The Road Warrior,\" \"Repo Man,\" Casablanca,\") almost inaudibly. \r\n\r\n65. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance at art class (or hit him/her with the wrench). \r\n\r\n66. Collect all your urine in a small jug. \r\n\r\n67. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. \r\n\r\n68. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are. \r\n\r\n69. Ask your roommate if your family can move in \"just for a couple of weeks.\" \r\n\r\n70. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them. \r\n\r\n71. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened. \r\n\r\n72. Eat glass. \r\n\r\n73. Smoke ballpoint pens. \r\n\r\n74. Smile. All the time. \r\n\r\n75. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate. \r\n\r\n76. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously. \r\n\r\n77. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.\r\nWhen you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you. \r\n\r\n78. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances. \r\n\r\n79. Paste snot on the windows in occult patterns. \r\n\r\n80. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly. \r\n\r\n81. Dye all your underwear lime green. \r\n\r\n82. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim. \r\n\r\n83. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet. \r\n\r\n84. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it. \r\n\r\n85. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due). \r\n\r\n86. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty. \r\n\r\n87. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.\r\nAnnounce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks. \r\n\r\n88. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them. \r\n\r\n89. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley. \r\n\r\n90. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with \"Didja ever wonder why....\" Be creative. \r\n\r\n91. Shave one eyebrow. \r\n\r\n92. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter \"Gotta save space,\" twenty times while twitching violently. \r\n\r\n93. Put horseradish in your shoes. \r\n\r\n94. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want. \r\n\r\n95. Always flush the toilet three times. \r\n\r\n96. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often. \r\n\r\n97. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's \"Pennsylvania Polka,\" and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class. \r\n\r\n98. Give him/her an allowance. \r\n\r\n99. Listen to radio static. \r\n\r\n100. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up. \r\n\r\n101. Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly. \r\n\r\n\r\nAnnoy your examiner during a Driver's Test \r\n\r\n\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\n102. Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off slap his/her hand. \r\n\r\n103. Beep your horn at everything. \r\n\r\n104. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light \r\n\r\n105. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, \"now which one is the gas again?\" \r\n\r\n106. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil. \r\n\r\n107. Fill your car with beer bottles. \r\n\r\n108. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs. \r\n\r\n109. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner. \r\n\r\n110. Swear at everybody on the road. \r\n\r\n111. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7032,
"title": "111 Ways to Annoy People"
},
{
"body": "About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: \"Do you play?\"\r\n\r\n I shook my head, \"I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the low seventies.\"\r\n\r\n There was a long, low in-take of breath, then \"The low seventies?\"\r\n\r\n \"Yes,\" I admitted.\r\n\r\n \"Consistently?\" he queried admiringly.\r\n\r\n \"Every hole,\" I confessed.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 7036,
"title": "Do You Play Golf?"
},
{
"body": "The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.\r\n\r\nWhat do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.\r\n\r\nYou should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.\r\n\r\nYou get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.\r\n\r\nYou do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.\r\n\r\nYou go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...\r\n\r\nYou finish off as an orgasm.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7037,
"title": "Life Cycle"
},
{
"body": "A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. \"Careful ... CAREFUL!! Put in some more butter!! Oh my Gosh!! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!!\r\n\r\nTurn them!! TURN THEM NOW!! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh!! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They're going to STICK!! Careful ... CAREFUL!! I said be CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!! Turn them! HURRY UP!! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind?\r\n\r\nDon't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!\"\r\n\r\nThe wife stared at him. \"What the &^%$&^% is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?\"\r\n\r\nThe husband calmly replied, \"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving\".",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7038,
"title": "Fried Eggs"
},
{
"body": "These two guys had both just gotten divorced, and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again.\r\n\r\nThey were best friends, and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go, and never look at a woman again.\r\n\r\nThey got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, \"Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.\"\r\n\r\nThe trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it, with fur around the hole.\r\n\r\nThe guys said \"What's that board for?\"\r\n\r\nThe trader said, \"Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this.\"\r\n\r\nThey said \"No way! We've sworn off women for life!\" The trader said, \"Well, take the boards with you and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay,\" they said and left.\r\n\r\nNext year this guy came into the trader's store and said \"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.\"\r\n\r\nThe trader said, \"Weren't you in here last year with a partner?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yeah,\" said the guy.\r\n\r\n\"Where is he?\" asked the trader.\r\n\r\n\"I shot him,\" said the guy.\r\n\r\n\"Why?\"\r\n\r\n\"I caught him in bed with my board.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7039,
"title": "Board"
},
{
"body": "1. M.U.D.D.- Must use Drugs Daily\r\n2. A.D.I.D.A.S.-All day I Dream About Sex\r\n3. P.M.S.- Pretty Mean Stuff\r\n4. F.B.I. Federal Beauro of Idiots\r\n5. C.I.A.-Clueless Idiots Agency\r\n6. N.C.I.S.-Neurologically Challenged Imbocil Society\r\n7. P.h.D. Pretty Happy Dyke\r\n8. U.C.L.A. Unidentified Cunt Lickers Anonymous\r\n9. A.R.A. Agency- Anti Redundancy Agency\r\n10. N.R.A.- Never Redundant Agency",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7040,
"title": "Acronyms & Their Meanings"
},
{
"body": "One day a father and his daughter were driving down the street when the father said, \"Look! A bunny. Can you say bunny, bu-nny?\" \r\n\r\n\"Bunny!\" the daughter replied.\r\n\r\nThey suddenly felt the car go over a bump.\r\n\r\nThen the girl said, \" Daddy, its not a bunny anymore.\" \r\n\r\n\"What is it then?\" he asked. \r\n\r\nThe daughter replied, \"Can you say roadkill, road-kill?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 7042,
"title": "Bunny"
},
{
"body": "A blonde went to her regular plastic surgion one day. When she walked in, he said to her, \"What more can I do for you? I have changed your every part of your body that you could think of! I even did your ears!\" \r\n\r\nShe replied, \"Well, this is kind of embarrasing for me say out loud.\" \r\n\r\nThe plastic surgion, curious to know what the blonde wanted done, asked, \"What is it? You can trust me. \r\n\r\nShe answered shyly. \"This morning, while I was looking in the mirror, I noticed that my butt had a huge crack down the middle and i was wondering if you could get me a new one that isn't broken.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7046,
"title": "Plastic Surgery"
},
{
"body": "A blonde went to the eye doctor one day. She complained to the doctor that she couldn't see and was having a hard time driving because of this. He then told her that she would need glasses. The blond knowing that the glasses would cost a couple of hundred dollars decided to save her money because she remembered she had some at home. She then told the doctor that she had a pair. He said, \"OK, wear them all the time.\" The blonde left and went home. She called the doctor and told him she couldn't see so he scheduled an appointment and told her to bring her glasses so he could see them. The next day the blond came in holding up two drinking glasses to her eyes and told the doctor \"I had a hard time driving over here because my hands were all tied up.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7047,
"title": "A Blond Gets Glasses"
},
{
"body": "A policeman was on duty when he got a complaint, so he went to go check it out. The complaint was that a sport car had not moved from a corner and was holding up traffic. When he got there, he went to the car and asked the blonde lady in it why she was holding up traffic and not going. She responded well the sign told me to stop but it doesn't want to let me go.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7050,
"title": "Stop"
},
{
"body": "What' did the bra say to the hat?\r\n\r\nYou go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7053,
"title": "What Did the Bra Say..."
},
{
"body": "A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a male farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. Of course the farmer is a blond. :)\r\n\r\nHe pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.\r\n\r\nThe man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, \"Er... excuse me mister, but what are you doing?\"\r\n\r\nThe farmer replies, \"I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.\"\r\n\r\n\"How?\" asks the man, puzzled.\r\n\r\n\"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7055,
"title": "Winning The Nobel Prize!"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so stupid, she looked in the Cd player for her cassette tape!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7057,
"title": "Around"
},
{
"body": "If you can run and play any sport while wearing chanclas.... \r\n\r\nMEXICAN... \r\n\r\nIf your late Tio left you a van and you turned it into a taco vending business, \r\n\r\nYes, you're a Mexican. \r\n\r\nIf you pronounce words beginning with the letter \"S\" by putting an \"E\" in front of it, \r\n\r\n(estop instead of stop), \r\n\r\nbig time Mexican. \r\n\r\nIf you call a chair, a sher, you got it.... \r\n\r\nMexican. \r\n\r\nIf you have ever hurt yourself and your mamacita rubbed the area while chanting, \r\n\r\n\"Sana, Sana, Colita de rana.....\" \r\n\r\nYou're Mexican, big time!!! \r\n\r\nIf you have your last name in old English lettering anywhere on your \r\n\r\ncar, truck, or tattooed on your back, \r\n\r\nYes!! you ARE a Mexican (proud one too!) \r\n\r\nIf you refer to your wife as your ruca, your hina, your wifa, your old lady, \r\n\r\nor your vieja, guess what? \r\n\r\nNot only are you a Mexican, you're a cholo... \r\n\r\nIf you throw a \"Grito\" everytime you hear Vicente Fernandez, \r\n\r\nthen not only are you a Mexican, you are a drunk Mexican. \r\n\r\nIf you have ever been pinched in church and been told \r\n\r\n\"pobrecito de ti si lloras\" or \"vas a ver orita que salgamos\" \r\n\r\nYes, you're definitely a Mexican. \r\n\r\nIf you grew up being called \"chamaca or chamaco\" .... \r\n\r\nMexican. \r\n\r\nIf you grew up scared of La Llorona or with a fear of the dark because of El Cucuy, \r\n\r\nYes! Mexican! \r\n\r\nSi te persinas with a lotto ticket in your hand before every drawing. \r\n\r\nYou're in the Mexican Zone!!! \r\n\r\nIf you ask for something by \"dame esa chingadera\" instead of calling it by its name, \r\n\r\nYup! Mexican! \r\n\r\nIf you constantly refer to cereal as \"con fleys\" or cake as \"kay-ke\", \r\n\r\nYou're Mexican! \r\n\r\nIf you use manteca instead of vegetable oil and can't figure out why your butt is getting bigger..... \r\n\r\nYou ARE a Mexican. \r\n\r\nIf you have some Tias that dress up in their prom dresses to go to a birthday party at \"el parque\", \r\n\r\nYou are a Mexican. \r\n\r\nIf your Tias and Abuela dress up in their Sunday best with heels and all to go to the \"pulga.\"(AKA the Flea Market) \r\n\r\nThen, yes, you are a Mexican. \r\n\r\nIf most of the houses on your block are painted bright pink, mint green and lavendar, \r\n\r\nMexican! \r\n\r\nIf you use the bushes in front of your house, the fence or the top of an old car to dry laundry, \r\n\r\nYes, you're a Mexican. \r\n\r\nIf you're congested and your mamacita rubbed \"Bicks\", \r\n\r\nyou're Mexican. \r\n\r\nIF YOU DON'T NEED ANY EXPLANATIONS FOR ANY OF THE ABOVE, YOU KNOW THAT \r\n\r\nYOU ARE A TRUE MEXICAN.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7058,
"title": "Mexican Status"
},
{
"body": "There was a Mexican family living in Mexico. The father of the family wasn't making very much money and he decided that he and his family were going to move to America in order to live a better life, so the family moved to America.\r\n\r\nThe Mexican man didn't found a job there, and his family was starving, so he went outside, climbed a hill, and bent down under a pine tree to pray for God to help his family get through their situation. \r\n\r\nWhile he was praying, a black man was coming out of a grocery store on top of the hill. He had a sack in one hand with a wheel of cheese in it. The bag was heavy, and right as the Mexican man was getting up from praying, the bag broke and the wheel of cheese rolled down the hill.\r\n\r\nThe Mexican man saw it, picked it up, and ran non-stop to his home. He gave it to his wife and told her to make nacho cheese out of it. His wife said, \"Well, why can't we make something else out of it?\" and he said, \"Cause all the way home God was tellin' me, that's nacho cheese, that's nacho cheese!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7059,
"title": "Nacho Cheese"
},
{
"body": "A young girl had just begun to go to a new Christian church group.\r\nShe had been going for a couple of weeks now, and at one session their leaders were talking about when they found Jesus in their lives.\r\nOne of her leaders had started saying: \"When I was your age, I had just gotten Jesus in my life.\"\r\nShe replied, \"Well, how long has it been that you have had Jesus in your life?\"\r\nHe replied, \"35 years of my life.\"\r\nThen she said,\"God Damn, that's a long time\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7060,
"title": "Gods Name in Vain"
},
{
"body": "I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7061,
"title": "Seafood"
},
{
"body": "If you want to make someone laugh, use this line:\r\n \r\nSorry. say that again. I couldn't hear you over my fart.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7063,
"title": "Fart"
},
{
"body": "One time there was 2 rednecks Bob and John. They were best friends. Bob had just gone bankrupt so he asked John if he could move in with him. Now John didn't have a big house like Bob use to have but agreed to let him stay there till he got out of bankruptcy. The next day when Bob moved in, while at dinner Bob said: \"John you know what?\" John said:\"What is it Bob?\" \"I thought my house was shitty. Then i came to yours.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 7064,
"title": "My House"
},
{
"body": "How do you know Adam wasnt black?\r\nHave you ever tried to take a rib away from a black man?\r\n\r\nHow do you know when Mexicans are illegal?\r\nWhen you scream \"La Migra\", and everybody is gone in less than a minute.\r\n\r\nHow do you know when a white guy's family is really white?\r\nWhen he tries to be black or mexican.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7065,
"title": "How Do You Know"
},
{
"body": "One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.\r\n\r\nShe was brought before the court on a charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, \"Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... he could fly!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7066,
"title": "Can He Fly?"
},
{
"body": "Why did the coach go to the bank?\r\n\r\n\r\nTo get his quarter back!",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 7069,
"title": "Quarter Back"
},
{
"body": "1.Your tires cost more than your car.\r\n2.You have a motor hanging out of your tree.\r\n3.Your trailer house tires work but your car tires don't.\r\n5.You write the girl of your dreams name on the tower and then the sheriff makes you take your sisters name off of it.\r\n6.You call your undies britches.\r\n7.The whole town is related to you.\r\n8.You got more trailers than cars.\r\n9.You kill your sisters boyfriends because they're trying to take her away from you.\r\n10. Your haven't had \"School learning\" because you don't now how to count. \r\n(You missed that there was no number 4.)\r\n\r\nCredit to BLUE COLLAR TV",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 7070,
"title": "You Know Your a Redneck When.."
},
{
"body": "A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife, \"Honey, I got a new secretary, and imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good.\"\r\n\r\nThe next day when he came home his wife asks, \"How was your day?\"\r\n\r\nThe man say, \"Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!\"\r\n\r\nThe third day he comes home after work and now the man asks his wife, \"And what happened today in your office, honey?\"\r\n\r\nShe says, \"Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but hell, it feels good!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7076,
"title": "Not a Big Deal"
},
{
"body": "Q: What does Donald Trump say before he lights off a fire work?\r\n\r\nA:You`re fired!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7079,
"title": "Fire Works"
},
{
"body": "We have all had bad dates, but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the \"Tonight Show\" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! \r\n\r\nShe said it was midwinter, snowing and quite cold; and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. \r\n\r\nThey were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. \r\n\r\nAll she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.\r\n\r\nHorrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about \"what is taking so long?\" with a reply that indeed, she was \"freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance\"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. \r\n\r\nBoth agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show; she took the prize hands down - or perhaps that should be \"pants down.\" And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment? This gives a whole new meaning to being \"pissed off.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7080,
"title": "Pissed Off"
},
{
"body": "Once in medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest \"Weapon\".\r\n\r\nThe first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose.\r\n\r\nThe crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate music.\r\n\r\nAnother knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. \r\n\r\nThe crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.\r\n\r\nAfter several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out. \"I have the mightiest weapon of them all!\" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a 30 pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose.\r\n\r\nThe crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played \"God Save the Queen.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7083,
"title": "Weapons"
},
{
"body": "A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.\r\n\r\n\"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can handle,\" he said.\r\n\r\nWell, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message\r\nread, \"Blame your predecessor.\"\r\n\r\nThe new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem was soon behind him.\r\n\r\nAbout a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time in opening the second envelope. The message read, \"Reorganize.\" This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded.\r\n\r\nAfter several consecutive profitable quarters, the\r\ncompany once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said: \r\n\r\n\"Prepare three envelopes...\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 7084,
"title": "Three Envelopes"
},
{
"body": "During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out, \"Hey, how'd you do that?\"\r\n\r\n\"I could tell you, madam,\" the magician answered, \"But then I'd have to kill you.\"\r\n\r\nAfter a short pause, she yelled back, \"Ok, then... Just tell my husband!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7085,
"title": "Popular Magic Show"
},
{
"body": "yo mamma so fat that her nickname is you gonna eat that",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7086,
"title": "Yo Mamma So Fat"
},
{
"body": "Two redneck airplane mechanics named Jim Bob and Jeb work at the Atlanta airport. \r\n\r\nAtlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Jim Bob and Jeb have nothing to do. \r\n\r\nAfter work Jim Bob and Jeb usally have a drink on their way home, so Jim Bob says to Jeb, \"I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.\" Since they have nothing better to do, they decide to try it. \r\n\r\nThe next morning Jim Bob calls Jeb and asks, \"How are you feeling?\" \r\n\r\nJeb says, \"Fine, never felt better.\"\r\n\r\nJim Bob asks, \"Do you have a hangover?\"\r\n\r\nJeb says \"no.\" Then he says, \"Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.\" \r\n\r\nThen Jim Bob says, \"Well, there is one side effect, have you farted yet?\" \r\n\r\nJeb says, \"No, why?\"\r\n\r\nJim Bob says, \"I'm calling you from Detroit!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 7088,
"title": "Jet Fuel Alchoholics"
},
{
"body": "I thought Graceland was tacky.\r\n\r\nNo kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. \r\n\r\nDo you think my hair is too big? \r\n\r\nHoney, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? \r\n\r\nThe tires on that truck are too big. \r\n\r\nI've got it all on a floppy disk. \r\n\r\nDo you think this baseball cap goes with this shirt? \r\n\r\nDamned if that politician ain't honest! \r\n\r\nWe're vegetarians. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.\r\n\r\nYou can't feed that to the dog. \r\n\r\nTrim the fat off that steak. \r\n\r\nI just love the opera. \r\n\r\nCappuccino tastes better than espresso. \r\n\r\nWrasslin's fake.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 7089,
"title": "Things You'll Never Hear a Redneck Say"
},
{
"body": "If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents. \r\n\r\nIf you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. \r\n\r\nIs your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck. \r\n\r\nIs your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair. \r\n\r\nI hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!! \r\n\r\nI bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it. \r\n\r\nThey say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none. \r\n\r\nYou should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for. \r\n\r\nPeople can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority! \r\n\r\nYou must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals. \r\n\r\nI wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more! \r\n\r\nIf we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 7091,
"title": "Whole Buncha Insults!"
},
{
"body": "Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.\r\n\r\n\"Sidney thought of everything,\" she told them. \"Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.\r\n\r\n`Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'.\"\r\n\r\n\"What was in the envelopes?\" her friends asked.\r\n\r\n\"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.\r\n\r\n\"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.\"\r\n\r\n\"And the third envelope?\" asked her friends.\r\n\r\n\"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'\r\n\r\nHolding her hand in the air, Tillie said, \"So, do you like my stone?\" showing off her ten carat diamond ring...",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7092,
"title": "Do You Like My Stone?"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you sink a canadian submarine?\r\n\r\nA: You swim underneath it and knock on the door",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7093,
"title": "Canadian Submarine"
},
{
"body": "You can be sure someone is an idiot when he/she:\r\n\r\nSpends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said concentrate.\r\n\r\nPuts lipstick on their forhead because he wanted to makeup his mind.\r\n\r\nGets stabbed in a shoot-out.\r\n\r\nSends a fax with a stamp on it.\r\n\r\nWas on the corner giving out potato chips yellin' \"Free Lays!\"\r\n\r\nTries to drown a fish.\r\n\r\nIf you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you'd get\r\nchange.\r\n\r\nThinks socialism means partying.\r\n\r\nTrips over a cordless phone.\r\n\r\nTakes a rule to bed to see how long they slept.\r\n\r\nAt the bottom of the application where it says \"Sign Here\" he put Sagittarius.\"\r\n\r\nTakes 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.\r\n\r\nStudies for a blood test and fails.\r\n\r\nInvents a solar powered flashlight.\r\n\r\nSells the car for gas money.\r\n\r\nHeard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moves.\r\n\r\nMisses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 bus twice instead.\r\n\r\nTakes you to the airport and saw a sign that said \"Airport\r\nleft\", he turned around and went home",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 7094,
"title": "How to Tell If Someone is an Idiot!"
},
{
"body": "I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.\r\n \r\nI found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, \"Deepest Condolences,\" and sent the card to the funeral home that said, \"I know it's hot where you're going, but you deserve it.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7095,
"title": "Card Mix-Up!"
},
{
"body": "A mother complained to a doctor about her daughter's\r\nstrange eating habits. \"All day long she lies in bed\r\nand eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?\"\r\n\r\n\"Don't worry,\" said the doctor. \"Eventually, she'll\r\nrise and shine.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7098,
"title": "Rise and Shine"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, she tripped on 4th Ave. and she landed on 12th!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7099,
"title": "4th Ave."
},
{
"body": "It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.\r\n\r\nThe following are this year's candidates:\r\n\r\n1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.\r\n\r\n2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.\r\n\r\n3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.\r\n\r\n4. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a! after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.\r\n\r\n5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.\r\n\r\n6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.\r\n\r\n7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7102,
"title": "Stella Awards"
},
{
"body": "One dog said to her pups, \"Don't ever bite the hand that feeds you. Any other hand is ok, though.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7103,
"title": "Don't Bite the Hand!"
},
{
"body": "A boy walked up to a man and asked, \"Hey mister, wanna donate to the WE NEED HELP children's fund?\" the man said, \"No, but I will donate a pack of listerine bottles because I hope all of the kids' breath don't smell as bad as yours!\"\r\n\r\n(real life situation)",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 7104,
"title": "Bad Breath"
},
{
"body": "God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. \"Where have you been?\"\r\nGod sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, \"Look, Michael. Look what I've made.\"\r\nArchangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, \"What is it?\"\r\n\"It's a planet,\" replied God, \r\n\"and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.\"\r\n\"Balance?\" inquired Michael, still confused.\r\nGod explained, pointing to different parts of earth. \"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,\" \r\nGod continued pointing to different countries. \"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.\"\r\nThe Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, \"What's that one?\"\r\n\"Ah,\" said God \"That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace.\"\r\nMichael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, \"What about balance, God? You said there would be balance.\"\r\nGod smiled, then said, \"There is another Washington... wait until you see the idiots I put there!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 7106,
"title": "Balance Of The World!"
},
{
"body": "A little girl is helping her mommy with the dishes when she notices that some of her hairs are gray. She asks her mom, \r\n\"Why are some of your hairs gray?\" \r\nThe mom replies cleverly, \"Whenever you make me cry or lie to me, one of my hairs turn gray.\" The girl thinks for a minute, and then asks, \r\n\"Is that why all Grandma's hairs are gray?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 7107,
"title": "Grandma's Hair"
},
{
"body": "Q: Where is Spiderman's home page?\r\nA: On the world wide web.\r\n\r\nQ: Why is Superman stupid?\r\nA: Because he wears his underwear over his pants.\r\n\r\nQ: Why is Batman more stupid?\r\nA: Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear.\r\n\r\nQ: Why is Robin even more stupid?\r\nA: Because he followed what batman did.\r\n\r\nQ: Why is Wonder Woman stupid?\r\nA: Because she wears a belt on her head.\r\n\r\nQ: Why is Spiderman the most stupid superhero of them all?\r\nA: Because he wears his underwear over his head.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7110,
"title": "Superhero Jokes"
},
{
"body": "A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.\r\n\r\n\"Fifty dollars for three questions,\" replied the lawyer. \r\n\r\n\"Isn't that awfully steep?\" asked the man. \r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" the lawyer replied, \"and what is your third question?\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 7111,
"title": "Three Questions"
},
{
"body": "You know you're ghetto when you carry food stamps in a money clip!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7113,
"title": "U Know U R Ghetto If.."
},
{
"body": "There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, \"Where do you work?\" \r\nThe man said, \"Here and there.\" \r\nThe judge asked the man, \"What do you do for a living?\" \r\nThe man said, \"This and that.\" \r\nThe judge then said, \"Take him away.\" \r\nThe man said, \"Wait, judge when will I get out?\" \r\nThe judge said to the man, \"Sooner or later.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7114,
"title": "Sooner or Later"
},
{
"body": "Men can't pack a bag. \r\nMen wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet. \r\n\r\nMen would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves. \r\n\r\nMen don't answer their mail. \r\n\r\nMen would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a \"bowlful of jelly.\" \r\n\r\nMen aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. \r\n\r\nHaving to do the \"Ho, Ho, Ho,\" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. \r\n\r\nFinally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7115,
"title": "Why Santa Can't be a Man"
},
{
"body": "A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens.\r\n\r\nThe old doctor even quoted a very affordable price. \"This looks great,\" said the young doctor. \"I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on.\r\n\r\n\"It's just simple common sense, and a strong work ethic,\" replied the older medico. \"For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year. My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic.\"\r\n\r\n\"But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land,\" said the younger man.\r\n\r\nThe elder doc replied, \"That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them.\"\r\n\r\nHe continued, \"I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast!\r\n\r\n\"Of course, that's just the beginning. A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working. Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright.\r\n\r\n\"I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 7119,
"title": "Secret Tonic"
},
{
"body": "A nun had to use the bathroom, so she went into a bar, the first place she could find. She noticed that every time the lights went out, everybody cheered. \r\n She went up to the bartender and asked him why. He said she would be better off not knowing, so she asked where the bathroom is. He gave her directions.\r\n When she got there she saw a big naked statue with a fig leaf covering you-know-where.\r\n When she exited the bathroom everybody cheered. She asked the bartender why, and he replied,\"Every time someone lifts the fig leaf, the lights go out.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7120,
"title": "The Nun and the Fig Leaf"
},
{
"body": "This Is A True Story, It Really Happened\r\n\r\nAn elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, \"I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !\"\r\n\r\nThe four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.\r\n\r\nShe was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.\r\n\r\nShe loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.\r\n\r\nThe sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7122,
"title": "Grandma`s Got a Gun!"
},
{
"body": "What kind of shoes do you wear to the beach?\r\n\r\nSANDals!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7124,
"title": "The Beach"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nA little old lady.\r\n\r\nA little old lady who?\r\n\r\nI didn't know you could yodel!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 7125,
"title": "A Little Old Lady"
},
{
"body": "A Unitarian Universalist walks into a fabric store and asks the clerk for nine yards of material. The clerk asks, \"What are you going to make?\" The UU says, \"I'm making a nightgown for myself as a present for my husband.\" \r\n\r\nThe clerk says, \"But nine yards is way too much material for a nightgown.\" \r\n\r\nThe UU says, \"I know, but my husband would rather seek than find.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7130,
"title": "The Fabric of Our Lives"
},
{
"body": "Dogs have masters, cats have staff.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7131,
"title": "The Difference Between Cats and Dogs."
},
{
"body": "Please note that Banks are installing new \"Drive-through\" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. \r\n\r\nMALE PROCEDURE\r\n-----------------------\r\n1. Drive up to the cash machine.\r\n\r\n2. Put down your car window.\r\n\r\n3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.\r\n\r\n4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.\r\n\r\n5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.\r\n\r\n6. Put window up.\r\n\r\n7. Drive off.\r\n\r\n\r\nFEMALE PROCEDURE\r\n-------------------------\r\n1. Drive up to cash machine.\r\n\r\n2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.\r\n\r\n3. Set parking brake, put the window down.\r\n\r\n4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.\r\n\r\n5. Turn the radio down.\r\n\r\n6. Attempt to insert card into machine.\r\n\r\n7. Attempt to insert card into machine.\r\n\r\n8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.\r\n\r\n9. Insert card.\r\n\r\n10. Re-insert card the right side up.\r\n\r\n11. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.\r\n\r\n12. Enter PIN.\r\n\r\n13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.\r\n\r\n14. Enter amount of cash required.\r\n\r\n15. Check make up in rear view mirror.\r\n\r\n16. Retrieve cash and receipt.\r\n\r\n17. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.\r\n\r\n18. Place receipt in back of checkbook.\r\n\r\n19. Re-check make-up again.\r\n\r\n20. Drive forwards 2 feet.\r\n\r\n21. Reverse back to cash machine.\r\n\r\n22. Retrieve card.\r\n\r\n23. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.\r\n\r\n24. Give appropriate glares to irate male drivers queuing behind. \r\n\r\n25. Restart stalled engine and pull off.\r\n\r\n26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.\r\n\r\n27. Release parking brake.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7133,
"title": "Drive-Through Bank"
},
{
"body": "I did not kill my lovely wife,\r\nI did not slash her with a knife.\r\nI did not bonk her on the head,\r\nI did not know that she was dead.\r\nI stayed at home that fateful night,\r\nI took a cab, then took a flight.\r\nThe bag I had was just for me.\r\nMy bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.\r\nWhen I came home I had a gash,\r\nMy hand was cut from broken glass,\r\nI cut my hand on broken glass,\r\nA broken glass did cause that gash.\r\nI have nothing, nothing to hide.\r\nMy friend, he took me for a ride;\r\nDid you take this person's life?\r\nDid you do it with a knife?\r\nI did not do it with a knife,\r\nI did not, could not kill my wife.\r\nI did not do this awful crime,\r\nI could not, would not any time.\r\nDid you hit her from above?\r\nDid you drop this bloody glove?\r\nI did not hit her from above,\r\nI cannot even wear that glove,\r\nI did not do it with a knife.\r\nI did not, could not kill my wife,\r\nI did not do this awful crime.\r\nI could not, would not, any time.\r\nAnd now I'm free, I can return,\r\nTo my house for which I yearn,\r\nAnd to my family whom I love.\r\nHey, now I'm free - give back my glove!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7134,
"title": "OJ's Rhyme ( Dr. Seuss )"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama So Ugly...\r\n\r\nshe put the Boogie man outta business.\r\n\r\nshe make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt\r\n\r\nwhen she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, \"Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already...\"\r\n\r\nwhen she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'\r\n\r\nshe looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!\r\n\r\nminutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!\" and her Poppa said, \"Yes, now let's go and bury her...\"\r\n\r\nthey push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.\r\n\r\nwhen they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote!\r\n\r\nyour Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye...\r\n\r\nshe put Marilyn Manson out of business.\r\n\r\nshe was a guard at Snake Mountain\r\n\r\nthey knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock...\r\n\r\neven Harry Knowles refused to date her.\r\n\r\nthey embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!\r\n\r\nshe gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.\r\n\r\nTony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.\r\n\r\nyour papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.\r\n\r\nshe scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.\r\n\r\nwe had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.\r\n\r\nI heard your Father first met her at the Zoo.\r\n\r\nher shadow gave up.\r\n\r\npeople at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her...\r\n\r\nher mom had to be pissed drunk just to breast feed her.\r\n\r\nwhen born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.\r\n\r\nhotel managers use her picture to keep away the rats.\r\n\r\ninstead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.\r\n\r\nthey gave her a middle name...'accident'.\r\n\r\nshe fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.\r\n\r\nwhen she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!\r\n\r\neven Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her...\r\n\r\nwhen she was born the Doc smacked her face.\r\n\r\nYour mamma's so Ugly that she's got her very own Crazy Pranks & Hilarious Gags named after her...",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7136,
"title": "Ohhh Your Momma is So Ugly Cause...."
},
{
"body": "How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!\r\n\r\nYou know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, \"We aren't in, leave a message.\" That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...\r\n\r\nDrawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7137,
"title": "Answering Machine Messages"
},
{
"body": "A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. \"I'm as sober as you are, your honor,\" the man claimed.\r\n\r\nThe judge replied, \"Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days in jail.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 7138,
"title": "Guilty"
},
{
"body": "The Laws Of Golf\r\n\r\nLAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.\r\n\r\nLAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.\r\n\r\nLAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.\r\n\r\nLAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.\r\n\r\nLAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant, \"You looked up,\" or invoke the wrath of the universe.\r\n\r\nLAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.\r\n\r\nLAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.\r\n\r\nLAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.\r\n\r\nLAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.\r\n\r\nLAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?\r\n\r\nLAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.\r\n\r\nLAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent - or some similar combination.\r\n\r\nLAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.\r\n\r\nLAW 14: Golf balls from the same, \"sleeve\" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).\r\n\r\nLAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.\r\n\r\nLAW 16, \"Nice lag\" can usually be translated to, \"lousy putt.\" Similarly, \"tough break\" can usually be translated, \"way to miss an easy one, sucker.\"\r\n\r\nLAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.\r\n\r\nLAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.\r\n\r\nLAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.\r\n\r\nLAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 7143,
"title": "Laws of Golf"
},
{
"body": "The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:\r\n\r\n1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.\r\n2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.\r\n3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 7148,
"title": "A Lawyer Joke"
},
{
"body": "BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!\r\n\r\nCOLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!\r\n\r\nHARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!\r\n\r\nPRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!\r\n\r\nPENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot ? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!\r\n\r\nCORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL - The Big Red Tape!\r\n\r\nDARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!\r\n\r\nM.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math math math math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.! PLEASE !\r\n\r\nBOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven't figured out how to invent the wheel (but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don't know your ass from your elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to produce 24 variants of 'da weed' with a garden weasel and a piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC!\r\n\r\nSYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot because yours isn't selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!",
"category": "College",
"id": 7151,
"title": "New University Promos"
},
{
"body": "Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.\r\n\r\nFrank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.\r\n\r\nMatt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.\r\n\r\nThe beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.\r\n\r\nFrank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.\r\n\r\n\"What on earth did you do that for?\" shouts Frank., \"You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze.\"\r\n\r\nMatt replies, \"And we weren't?\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 7152,
"title": "Frank and Matt"
},
{
"body": "Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:\r\n\r\nProf. of Computer Science:\r\nA kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.\r\n\r\nProf. of Algebra:\r\nA kiss is two divided by nothing.\r\n\r\nProf. of Geometry:\r\nA kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.\r\n\r\nProf. of Physics:\r\nA kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.\r\n\r\nProf. of Chemistry:\r\nA kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.\r\n\r\nProf. of Zoology:\r\nA kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.\r\n\r\nProf. of Physiology:\r\nA kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.\r\n\r\nProf. of Dentistry:\r\nA kiss is infectious and antiseptic.\r\n\r\nProf. of Accountancy:\r\nA kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.\r\n\r\nProf. of Economics:\r\nA kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.\r\n\r\nProf. of Statistics:\r\nA kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.\r\n\r\nProf. of Philosophy:\r\nA kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.\r\n\r\nProf. of English:\r\nA kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.\r\n\r\nProf. of Engineering:\r\nUh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.",
"category": "College",
"id": 7154,
"title": "Professor's Definition of a Kiss"
},
{
"body": "Knock, knock.\r\n\r\nWho's There?\r\n\r\nYule.\r\n\r\nYule who?\r\n\r\nYule never know until you open the door!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 7159,
"title": "Yule"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why are hairdressers always on time?\r\n\r\nA: Because they know all the short cuts!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7162,
"title": "Hairdressers"
},
{
"body": "1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, \"I didn't know I had one of THOSE!\"\r\n\r\n2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.\r\n\r\n3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.\r\n\r\n4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your \r\nshower.\r\n\r\n5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim \"Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those.\" Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.\r\n\r\n6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune \"It's a Small World After All.\"\r\n\r\n7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.\r\n\r\n8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your \r\nstomach.\r\n\r\n9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.\r\n\r\n10. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.\r\n\r\n11. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of \"Old McDonald Had A Farm\", making the sound of their animal in the stall.\r\n\r\n12. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.\r\n\r\n13. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.\r\n\r\n14. As you are bathing exclaim you never knew you had a growth.\r\n\r\n15. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7163,
"title": "15 Things to Do in Public Shower Stalls"
},
{
"body": "For those of you that remember the old Mitch Miller song \"Sweet Violets\" This is a crude take off on it... (p.s. - this is similar to Gizzers 'Sweet Violets' #604 but different, funnier and possibly cruder!)\r\n\r\n\r\nThere was a young farmer who lived on a rock\r\nHe liked to count sheep while he fingered his...\r\nMarbles and toys as in days of old yore\r\nAnd for a companion he had a young...\r\nMaiden whose passion was playing with dolls\r\nShe told him she wanted to nuzzle his...\r\n\r\nSweet violets\r\nSweeter than the roses\r\nCovered all over from head to toe\r\nIn sweet violets\r\n\r\nThe farmer was pleased with all of his luck\r\nShe claimed that she'd show him a new way to...\r\nBring up the children and teach them to knit\r\nWhile the boys in the barnyard were shoveling...\r\nHay from the stables and filling the rick\r\nHe told her he'd let her grab hold of his...\r\nLong middle finger which had a slight rash\r\nTo soothe it he jammed it right into her...\r\n\r\nSweet violets\r\nSweeter than the roses\r\nCovered all over from head to toe\r\nIn sweet violets\r\n\r\nThe farmer then left her and went off to hunt\r\nHe said, \"While I'm gone take good care of your...\r\nLittle pet rabbit which plays in the grass\r\n'Cause when I get home I will grab me some...\r\n\r\nSweet violets\r\nSweeter than the roses\r\nCovered all over from head to toe\r\nIn sweet violets\"\r\n\r\nThe maiden was shocked at his strength and his force\r\nShe could tell that he was hung like a...\r\nHammock which sailors do sleep in a lot\r\nHe said from now on I will call you my...\r\nTwinkle-toed lassie. She said,\"I'm Regina.\r\nNow don't you get lost in my cavernous...\r\n\r\nSweet violets\r\nSweeter than the roses\r\nCovered all over from head to toe\r\nIn sweet violets",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7166,
"title": "There was a Young Farmer..."
},
{
"body": "Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women...\r\n\r\n1.\r\n2.\r\n3.\r\n4.\r\n5.\r\n6.\r\n7.\r\n8.\r\n9.\r\n10.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7167,
"title": "TOP TEN THINGS MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN!"
},
{
"body": "Wait a second!!! I am NOT a loser! I have tried. I am a failure.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7169,
"title": "Not A Loser..."
},
{
"body": "Dear Mom and Dad,\r\n\r\n\r\nOur scoutmaster told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two of our sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily none us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.\r\n\r\nOh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Long got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Don't worry it didn't hurt anything very much, just burned part of the chow hall. Scoutmaster Long said we will have to wash the black stuff off of the meat that used to be in the cooler but he said it would be alright. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.\r\n\r\nWe will come home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Long gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Long said that with a car that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in the car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Long is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. Especially when that wheel came off when we were going around this steep curve. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. He only lets him drive on them mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. I'm glad Terry wasn't driving when the wheel came off. We probably would have went off the cliff.\r\n\r\nThis morning all the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Long wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of the cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Long isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. When I can I will tell you how we lost them. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.\r\n\r\nGuess what? We have passed all our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works. Also, Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Long said it was probably just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way sometimes from the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.\r\n\r\nHe said he sure figured out how to get things done while he was doing his time.\r\n\r\nI have to go now, we are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Scoutmaster Long has a big pistol and he is going to teach us how to shoot it. The reason we have to buy more bullets is Jimmy threw all of the others in the fire. It sure was a loud noise. It was neat though, it sounded like a bunch of bees flying out of the fire. Scoutmaster Long said not to tell any one because some of the tents got holes in them from the bullets and he said he is not supposed to have a gun but he didn't say why. Don't worry we put duct tape over the holes in the tents. Scoutmaster Long says that is the best stuff to fix anything. He should know, the seats in his old car has it all over them, so does the dash.\r\n\r\nDon't worry about anything. We are fine.\r\nLove, Cole \r\n\r\nP.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?",
"category": "Children",
"id": 7170,
"title": "Letter From Camp"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so stupid that she forgot where she parked her car in an empty parking lot!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7173,
"title": "So Stupid"
},
{
"body": "15 Fun Things to do in Public Areas\r\n------------------------------------------ \r\n\r\n(I actually did all of these)\r\n\r\n1. Go up to random people and ask \"How are you doing?\" See what kind of conversation you can start.\r\n(I met lots of new people this way)\r\n\r\n2. Ask someone what another person's name is nearby. Go up to that person and say \"Hey, *person's name*. How are you? You forgot my name, again, didn't you!?\" (People normally look at me very confused with this one.)\r\n\r\n3. Fall down in front of strangers, and see if they try to help. (If they don't help, I yell out, \"FINE! DON'T HELP ME THEN!\")\r\n\r\n4. Bump into someone and pretend it causes you to fall down. See if they apologize. (This is hard to do, because they normally try to avoid me when I try to bump them.)\r\n\r\n5. Walk behind someone until he/she turns around. Then say, \"What?\" (You should look very confused, so it makes them be confused also.)\r\n\r\n6. Run around and jump on things and make noises pretending to be a monkey.\r\n(It works with any animal.)\r\n\r\n7. Put water in your mouth, and pretend you are barfing when someone walks by. (It's really funny when you chew up some Snickers for this.)\r\n\r\n8. Get an \"Obsession, for men\" cologne sample spray, and go up to people asking, \"Do you have an obsession for men? I was just wondering because I have an obsession for me. It's in my pants. Do you want me to spray you with it?\" When they look at you funny, take out the cologne and say \"What? It's just my obsession for men cologne. What were you thinking of?\" (It doesn't work on the people that have the cologne.)\r\n\r\n9. Walk behind someone and have an arguement with yourself. (It's even better if you talk in two different voices.)\r\n\r\n10. Have a bottle of water and go up to people saying, \"Thirsty?\" (I got a total of 5 people to drink from my bottle.)\r\n\r\n11. Have a newspaper or a book (or something like that) and hold it out to someone and ask, \"Thirsty?\" (Confusion is funny.)\r\n\r\n12. Put a chunk of something sticky on your hand, and go up to people saying, \"Hey, how're you doing?\" and try to shake their hand. (Some people actually don't notice huge sticky brown things sticking to your hand.)\r\n\r\n13. Jump kick a wall and look at someone and say, \"Please don't do that.\" (It works with trees too.)\r\n\r\n14. Go up to someone and say in a very low voice, \"Death by catapult.\" (There is also, death by spatula, death by rug burn, death by malapropism, or any other weird random way of death.)\r\n\r\n15. Get people to join you in your strange adventures. (Twice the people = twice the fun.)\r\n\r\nBe careful about the people you do these things to. Have fun. :-D",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7178,
"title": "15 Fun Things To Do In Public Areas"
},
{
"body": "This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign \"Hans Olaffsen's Laundry\".\r\n\r\n\"Hans Olaffsen?\" he thinks. \"How in the world does that fit in here?\" \r\n\r\nHe walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, \"How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?\".\r\n\r\nThe old man answers, \"Is name of owner.\" \r\n\r\nThe visitor asks, \"Well, who in the heck is the owner?\" \r\n\r\n\"I am he,\" answers the old man. \r\n\r\n \"You? How in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?\"\r\n\r\nThe old man replies, \"Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go \"What your name? He say Hans Olaffsen. She look at me...What your name? I say Sam Ting.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7179,
"title": "Walking Through Chinatown..."
},
{
"body": "Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests. See if a yawn really is contagious. \r\n\r\nSlap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher. \r\n\r\nDevise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs. \r\n\r\nListen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B' and so on through the alphabet. \r\n\r\nSit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front. \r\n\r\nUsing church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes. \r\n\r\nStart from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed. \r\n\r\nRaise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room. \r\n\r\nWhip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn. \r\n\r\nChew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles. \r\n\r\nTry to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone. \r\n\r\nBy unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards. \r\n\r\nTry to raise one eyebrow. \r\n\r\nCrack your knuckles. \r\n\r\nTwiddle your thumbs. \r\n\r\nTwiddle your neighbor's thumbs. \r\n\r\nWiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7180,
"title": "Fun Things To Do During Boring Sermons"
},
{
"body": "What did the male rabbit buy the female rabbit for her birthday?\r\n\r\n14 carrot gold!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7182,
"title": "Rabbits"
},
{
"body": "Why couldn't the glass fool anybody?\r\n\r\nBecause everybody could see right through him!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7183,
"title": "Glass"
},
{
"body": "Q: How can you tell when a bucket gets sick?\r\nA: It becomes a little pale.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7185,
"title": "Sick Bucket"
},
{
"body": "A general store owner hired a young female clerk who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. \r\n\r\nOne day a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea. \r\n\r\n\"I'd like some raisin bread please,\" the man said. \r\n\r\nThe clerk nodded and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. \r\n\r\nOnce she descended the ladder he mused that he really should get two loaves as he was having company for dinner. \r\n\r\nAs the clerk retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requested his own loaf of raisin bread so he could continue to enjoy the view. \r\n\r\nWith each trip up the ladder the young lady seemed to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. \r\n\r\nAfter many trips she was tired, irritated, and thinking that she should really try this bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stopped and fumed, glaring at the men standing below. \r\n\r\nShe noticed an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells, \"Is yours raisin, too?\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" croaked the old man, \"but it's startin' to twitch.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7189,
"title": "Bread"
},
{
"body": "A blonde walks into a restaraunt and asks for fish and chips. When she sees the fries on her plate she says \"I asked for chips, not fries!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7193,
"title": "Fries"
},
{
"body": "A blond is in math class. The teacher says, \"We are going to be learning about pi (3.14) today. Does anyone know what that is?\" The blond says \"I do. I made a cherry one this morning.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7194,
"title": "Pie"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nCandy\r\n\r\nCandy who?\r\n\r\nCandy have some sweets? Please!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 7200,
"title": "Candy"
},
{
"body": "A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name.\r\n\r\n\"Carmen,\" she replied.\r\n\r\n\"That's a nice name,\" he said warming up the conversation.\r\n\"Who named you, your mother?\" \"No, I named myself,\" she answered.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because I like cars, and I like men,\" she said.\r\n\"So, what's your name?\" she asked.\r\n\r\n\"Beerf$%^.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 7202,
"title": "Beer F$%^"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nSnowflake.\r\n\r\nSnowflake who?\r\n\r\nThere's snowflake like home!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 7207,
"title": "Snowflake"
},
{
"body": "Courtney: Let's see who can stay up the longest tonight.\r\n\r\nKaitlyn: I know! We'll pinch each other every ten minutes to make sure we don't fall asleep! Starting right NOW!\r\n\r\nCourtney: Hey, I'm not even tired!\r\n\r\nKaitlyn: See, my plan is working!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7208,
"title": "Don't Fall Asleep!"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a dinosaur that is able to give you a synonym for any word you give him?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Answer: A Thesaurus! :)",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7211,
"title": "Corny ...but Cute!"
},
{
"body": "1. The Yankees General Manager's name is Brian Cashman.\r\n\r\n2. Barry Bonds' initals are BB, the abreviation for a walk is also BB.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 7213,
"title": "2 Things I Find Ironic in Sports"
},
{
"body": "What key opens no lock?\r\n\r\nA Monkey!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7218,
"title": "Key"
},
{
"body": "What key opens no lock?\r\n\r\nA Turkey!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7219,
"title": "Key"
},
{
"body": "Why was six afraid of seven?\r\n\r\nBecause seven ate nine!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7220,
"title": "Numbers"
},
{
"body": "The Hodja (teacher) was selling olives at the market and business was slow. He called to a woman who was passing by and tried to entice her. She shook her head and told him she didn't have any money with her.\"No problem,\" the Hodja grinned. \"You can pay me later.\" She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste.\r\n\r\n\"Oh no, I can't, I'm fasting,\" she responded.\r\n\r\n\"Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, well, I missed a day and I'm making it up now. Go ahead and give me a kilo of the black olives.\"\r\n\r\n\"Forget it!\" shouted the Hodja. \"If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt you owed ALLAH, who knows when you'll get around to paying me!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7221,
"title": "Repaying a Debt"
},
{
"body": "There was a big moron and a little moron, sitting on a ledge. The big moron fell off. Why?\r\n\r\nBecause the little moron was a little more on.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7222,
"title": "Moron"
},
{
"body": "Don't let your mind wander. It's too small to be out on its own.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 7223,
"title": "Mind"
},
{
"body": "Cathy was looking through the window of a clothes store when she spotted a pair of short-shorts. \"Wow, these pants are half off!\" she told her uncle. Her uncle said \"They should be, they are only a half pair of pants.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7226,
"title": "The Half Price Pants"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between an ice-cream?\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\nA motorcycle, it has no wheels.\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\nHehe, you should have seen your face!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7229,
"title": "What's the Difference..."
},
{
"body": "Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses and Bar Mitzvahs. Religion not important.\r\n*****\r\nIsraeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.I am a sensitive Jewish prince to whom you can open your heart to share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.\r\n*****\r\nJewish male, 34. Very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.\r\n*****\r\nSingle Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7232,
"title": "Actual Personals From Jewish Newspapers"
},
{
"body": "After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.\r\n\r\n\"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,\" said the minister.\r\n\r\n\"I know,\" said the man. \"If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7233,
"title": "A Meeting With the Board"
},
{
"body": "Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?\r\n\r\nShe couldn't control her pupils!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7241,
"title": "Eyes"
},
{
"body": "Lisa was playing bowling with her friend Marie. Lisa got a strike, then one more strike. Then, she got another strike. She had just gotten 3 strikes in a row! \r\n\r\n\"I just got 3 strikes in a row!\" said Lisa.\r\n\r\nMarie said, \"You're out, you just got 3 strikes in a row!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 7242,
"title": "Strike Bowling"
},
{
"body": "A gazelle goes out for her usual afternoon walk. About an hour later, she realizes that she is lost out in the open. Unskilled in the ways of the real world, she asks a cheetah, \"Excuse me sir, do you know what time it is?\" With a grin, the cheetah said, \"It's lunchtime.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7246,
"title": "Wrong Place, Wrong Time"
},
{
"body": "What is the answer to this riddle?\r\n\r\nWhat is greater than God,\r\nMore evil than the devil,\r\nThe poor have it,\r\nThe rich need it,\r\nAnd if you eat it, you'll die?\r\n\r\nA: Nothing",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7249,
"title": "Something Greater"
},
{
"body": "*Think of a letter between ** A and W.\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n\r\nRepeat it out loud as you scroll down.\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n.. **Keep going . . \r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n** Don't stop **\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\nThink of an **animal **that begins **with that letter\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n. .\r\n..\r\n.\r\n..\r\n..\r\nRepeat it out loud as you scroll down.\r\n..\r\n..\r\n.\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\nThink of either a **man's/woman's ** name ** that **begins \r\nwith the ** last letter** **in the animal's name\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n.. \r\n**\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n.. \r\nAlmost there.......\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\nNow\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n*count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the \r\nhand you are not using to scroll down.\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\nTake the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of \r\nyou at face level\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\nLook at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your \r\nhand\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\nDo the lines take the form of the first letter in the \r\nperson's name?\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\n.. Of course not......\r\n..\r\n..\r\n..\r\nNow smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid joke games!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7250,
"title": "This Is Creepy!"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do the Star Trek Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?\r\n\r\nA: They both circle around Uranus searching for Klingons!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 7251,
"title": "Star Trek And Toilet Paper"
},
{
"body": "A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck.\r\n \r\nShe wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.\r\n \r\nHe would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.\r\n \r\n\"Look!\" she said, \"I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up. so surprise me!\"\r\n \r\nHe did just that, so for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.\r\n \r\nNobody has seen or heard from him since.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7254,
"title": "Zero to 200"
},
{
"body": "In my holiday to one Asian country, I happened to make a friendship with a local guy while I was drinking a softdrink Fanta. He speaks broken English, but I can fairly understand him. I offered him a softdrink, to that he choose Coco Cola. \r\n\r\nThe guy was showing some postcard of Mountains to me. They are really beautiful and just remarked \"Fantastic!\".\r\n\r\nI also showed him some beautiful pictures of country side stored in my digital camera, where I have trekked. To my surprise! Can you guess what was his remark? ... ... ... ... ... ...\r\n\r\nHe remarked \"Coco Colastic!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7259,
"title": "Fantastic!"
},
{
"body": "How do you make one disappear?\r\n\r\nAdd the letter g, to make it GONE!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7263,
"title": "Disappear"
},
{
"body": "Why did the man put his money in the freezer?\r\n\r\nHe wanted cold hard cash!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7268,
"title": "Money"
},
{
"body": "What did the porcupine say to the cactus?\r\n\r\n\"Is that you, mommy?\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7269,
"title": "Mommy?"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?\r\n\r\nFrostbite",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7270,
"title": "Snowman And Vampire"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so dumb, she tried to fix breaking news!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7274,
"title": "News"
},
{
"body": "What is a cat's favorite part of the computer?\r\n\r\nThe mouse!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7279,
"title": "Computer"
},
{
"body": "What's a ghost's least favorite room in a house?\r\n\r\n-The living room",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7283,
"title": "The Oldest Joke Ever."
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nOlive\r\nOlive who?\r\nOlive you!!!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 7284,
"title": "Olive"
},
{
"body": "Why did the kid walk backwards to school?\r\n\r\nBecause it was back to school day!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 7285,
"title": "Back to School"
},
{
"body": "How do spell mousetrap with only three letters?\r\n\r\n\r\nC-A-T",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7286,
"title": "WATCHOUT"
},
{
"body": "Once there was this Australian guy, an English guy, and an American guy. They all went into a furniture store to by a chair that played music when you sat on it (aka musical chair). The next day the Australian guy comes back and says he wants to return the chair. When the clerk asks why he says it's too hard, so the clerk gives him his money back. The day after that the English guy comes back and says he wants to return the chair and again when the clerk asks why, he says it was too hard. So the clerk gives him his money back. The next day the American guy comes back and asks to return the chair. The clerk, getting somewhat annoyed by this time, says, \"Let me guess, it's too hard right?\" The American guy says, \"No, the chair plays the National Anthem so whenever I sit down I have to stand up again, but then the music stops so I sit down and stand up! Up, down, up, down and so on.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7288,
"title": "Musical Chairs"
},
{
"body": "One eye says to the other eye, \"Between you and me, something smells.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7290,
"title": "Two Eyes"
},
{
"body": "Where does a judge eat lunch?\r\n\r\nAt the food court!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7292,
"title": "Lunch"
},
{
"body": "Why did 3 blonds jump off the building?\r\n\r\nTo see if their maxi-pads had wings!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7297,
"title": "3 Blonds"
},
{
"body": "This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment. A. Fill in the blanks\r\n\r\n1. [xxx] is not food.\r\nSpiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and other thin plastic things.\r\n\r\n2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].\r\nAnything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the confirmation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.\r\n\r\n3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.\r\nThe humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper;\r\n\r\n4. [xxx] is not a toy.\r\nThe humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; humans' underwear; Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.\r\n\r\n5. I will not chew the [xxx].\r\nHuman's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.\r\n\r\n6. I will not bark at [xxx].\r\nPlastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).\r\n\r\n7. I will not dig [xxx].\r\nUnder the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my master's pillow at 2 am to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a swimming pool in the back yard;",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7300,
"title": "A Dog's Chalk Board Assignments"
},
{
"body": "This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7301,
"title": "Horse Breeder"
},
{
"body": "Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:\r\n\r\n\"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?\"\r\n\r\nAfter a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.\r\n\r\nThe teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.\r\n\r\nWith complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, \"A lawyer!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 7306,
"title": "What Should They Get"
},
{
"body": "Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...\r\n\r\n* Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.\r\n* She refuses to let you milk her, saying, \"Not on the first date.\"\r\n* Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of her ears.\r\n* Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.\r\n* Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.\r\n* Your cow demands to be branded with the \"Golden Arches\" logo.\r\n* Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.\r\n* Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.\r\n* Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.\r\n* She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.\r\n* Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.\r\n* Your cow starts smoking her grass rather than eating it.\r\n* Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting \"MOO\" backwards.\r\n* Your cow insists that she can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding her Hershey bars.\r\n* Your cow asks you to brand her again, but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.\r\n* Your cow purposely blinds herself with a dart and yells \"Bullseye!\"\r\n* Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called \"LaCream Abdul Milkbar.\"\r\n* Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.\r\n* Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out her nose.\r\n* You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.\r\n* Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows' cuds.\r\n* Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme, if she had a really good run at it.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7309,
"title": "Signs Your Cow Has Mad-Cow Disease"
},
{
"body": "Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said \"Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.\" Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before. \r\n\r\n\"Satan!\" beckoned God. \"You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!\" \r\n\r\n\"Yeah? What if I don't?\" replied the devil.\r\n\r\n\"I'll sue you if I have to,\" answered God.\r\n\r\n\"Sure,\" laughed Satan. \"Where are you going to find a lawyer?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7312,
"title": "Sue Over the Property"
},
{
"body": "THE KIDDIE PICK...When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!\r\n\r\nCAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK...When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.\r\n\r\nFAKE NOSE SCRATCH...When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.\r\n\r\nMAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT...You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.\r\n\r\nSURPRISE PICKINGS...When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.\r\n\r\nAUTO PICK...The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking.\r\n\r\nPICK YOUR BRAINS...Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.\r\n\r\nPICK AND SAVE...When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.\r\n\r\nPICK AND ROLL...No explanation needed.\r\n\r\nPICK AND FLICK...Ditto.\r\n\r\nPICK AND STICK...You wanted it to be a \"Pick and Flick,\" but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.\r\n\r\nPAY DIRT...The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 7314,
"title": "The Nose Picking Glossary"
},
{
"body": "Employer: \"In this job we need someone who is responsible.\"\r\n\r\nApplicant: \"I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7319,
"title": "The Requirements of This Job"
},
{
"body": "Three youngsters are having hot discussion, about whose father is the tallest one.\r\n\r\nThe first one said, \"My father is just like statue of Liberty. Your hat will fall off if you look at him\"\r\n\r\nThe second one does not want to loose the discussion. He added, \"That's nothing! You can not see my father's hands, when he stands up and waves. They vanish in the clouds\".\r\n\r\nThe third one, a born winner in the discussion, confidently added, \"Did your father's hands feel something, when he was waving in the clouds?\"\r\n\r\nThe second one replied confidently that he is going to win the discussion, \"Why, certainly, he once told me his hands felt something up in the clouds and he tried to pull that.\"\r\n\r\nThe third one said, \"That something was my father's under pant. He once complained that they are being pulled by someone while standing.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 7321,
"title": "Whose Father is the Tallest?"
},
{
"body": "JUST because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7324,
"title": "A Short Attention Span"
},
{
"body": "When I die I want to go peacefully - like my grandfather did - in his sleep.\r\n\r\nNot screaming like the passengers in his car.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7325,
"title": "When I Die..."
},
{
"body": "Why are there no phone books in China?\r\n\r\nBecause there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7326,
"title": "Phonebook Dilemma"
},
{
"body": "Miscellaneous yo mama jokes\r\nYo mama feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!\r\n\r\nYo mama aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back!\r\n\r\nYo mama lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.\r\n\r\nIt took yo mama 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used to the front seat!\r\n\r\nYo mama hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.\r\n\r\nYo mama hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.\r\n\r\nYo mama so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.\r\n\r\nYo mama so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.\r\n\r\nYo mama twice the man you are.\r\n\r\nYo mama cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.\r\n\r\nYo mama is missing a finger and can't count past nine.\r\n\r\nYo mama arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.\r\n\r\nYo mama middle name is Rambo.\r\n\r\nYo mama in a wheelchair and says, \"You ain't gonna puch me 'round no more.\"\r\n\r\nYo mama rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday.\r\n\r\nYo mama mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.\r\n\r\nYo mama gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.\r\n\r\nYo mama breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.\r\n\r\nI saw your mama at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle.\r\n\r\nI saw your mama kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing, and she said \"Moving.\"\r\n\r\nYo mama teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7333,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the new muslim air mattress?\r\n\r\nIt blows itself up.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7335,
"title": "Muslim Air Mattress?"
},
{
"body": "Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7337,
"title": "Empty Feeling"
},
{
"body": "There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do - and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.\r\n\r\nOne day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...\r\n\r\n\"Now then,\" the old preacher said to himself, \"I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be.\"\r\n\r\nThe old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.\r\n\r\nWith a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...\r\n\r\n\"Lord have mercy,\" the old man whispered, \"He's gonna be a politician!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7341,
"title": "A Politician?"
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken go across the field?\r\n\r\nBecause the referee shouted \"FOWL\"!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7345,
"title": "Chicken Madness"
},
{
"body": "Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: \"Saul, sell your business.\" He ignores it. It goes on for days. \"Saul, sell your business for $3 million.\" After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says 'Saul, go to Las Vegas.\" He asks why. \"Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.\" He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, \"Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.\" He hesitates but knows he must. He's dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. \"Saul, take a card.\" What? The dealer has -- \"Take a card!\" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. \"Saul, take another card.\" What? \"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!\" He asks for another card. It's another ace. He has twenty. \"Saul, take another card,\" the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. \"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!\" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: \"unbelievable!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7355,
"title": "Hit Me!"
},
{
"body": "Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. \"Here's that $20 I owe you,\" he says.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7357,
"title": "The Mugger"
},
{
"body": "On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, \"What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.\" All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says \"Don't forget the coffee!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7362,
"title": "Turn Off The Mic"
},
{
"body": "I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7364,
"title": "Tattoo"
},
{
"body": "While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.\r\n\r\nLater, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.\r\n\r\nA girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.\r\n\r\n\"What's that ?\" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.\r\n\r\n\"Tennis ball,\" came the breathless reply.\r\n\r\n\"Oh,\" said the girl sympathetically, \"that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7370,
"title": "Tennis Ball"
},
{
"body": "1. Blow out a huge depressed fart and blame it on the person next to you out loud. \r\n\r\n2. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. \r\n\r\n3. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. \r\n\r\n4. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. \r\n\r\n5. Meow occasionally. \r\n\r\n6. Show other passengers a rash on your genitals and ask if it looks infected. \r\n\r\n7. Leave a box between the doors. \r\n\r\n8. Sell Girl Scout cookies. \r\n\r\n9. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?' \r\n\r\n10. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7376,
"title": "Topic: 10 Things To Do In An Elevator To Have Fun"
},
{
"body": "When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. \r\n\r\nTerrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.\r\n\r\nWhen the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, \"Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.\"\r\n\r\nHe listened a while longer, and said, \"There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling.\" \r\n\r\nSo the magistrate kept listening; \"There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth...\" \r\n\r\nSuddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, \"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7381,
"title": "Mozart Beyond the Grave"
},
{
"body": "1. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator \r\n\r\n2. Where to Find the Toys in the Oven \r\n\r\n3. 101 Games to Play in the Road \r\n\r\n4. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer, and a Fork \r\n\r\n5. Your Nightmares are Real \r\n\r\n6. Monsters Killed Grandpa \r\n\r\n7. All Guns Squirt Water \r\n\r\n8. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite \r\n\r\n9. If it's Storming out, the Best Place to Take Shelter is under a Tree \r\n\r\n10. Dad's New Wife Robert",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7383,
"title": "Top 10 Most Rejected Children Book Titles"
},
{
"body": "How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? \r\n\r\nWhat happens if you get scared halfway to death twice? \r\n\r\nIf the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2? \r\n\r\nIf all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? \r\n\r\nIf you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success? \r\n\r\nIf love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? \r\n\r\nIf you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? \r\n\r\nIf Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers? \r\n\r\nIf a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? \r\n\r\nWhy is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7384,
"title": "Top Ten Questions that Make You Go Huh?"
},
{
"body": "It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: \r\n\"Ames\" \"Here!\" \"Jenson\" \"Here!\" \"Jones\" \"Here!\" \"Magersky\" \"Here!\" \"Seeback\" \r\nNo answer. \r\n\"Seeback!\" \r\nNo answer was heard again. \r\n\"SEEBACK!!!\" The troops remained totally silent. \r\nAt that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7385,
"title": "At the Military Base"
},
{
"body": "10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, \"He just didn't belong.\" \r\n\r\n9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern. \r\n\r\n8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, \"The hair, it's growing. Growing!\" \r\n\r\n7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, \"Soon, soon....\" \r\n\r\n6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. \r\n\r\n5) Tell your roommate, \"I've got an important message for you.\" Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, \"Oh, yeah, I remember!\" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks. \r\n\r\n4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan. \r\n\r\n3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, \"Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?\" Complain loudly that you are hungry. \r\n\r\n2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, \"Hooray! You're back!\" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, \"Shouldn't you be going somewhere?\" \r\n\r\n1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, \"No, I want to watch them suffer.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7386,
"title": "Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate"
},
{
"body": "A fellow in a bar noticed a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. \r\n\r\n\"No, thank you.\" she said politely. \"This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.\" \r\n\r\n\"That must be rather difficult,\" the man replied. \r\n\r\n\"Oh, I don't mind too much,\" she said, \"but it has my husband pretty upset.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7389,
"title": "Celebent Joke"
},
{
"body": "NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. \r\n\r\nVISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.\r\n\r\nBARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark... \r\n\r\nLICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. \r\n\r\nHOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. \r\n\r\nDOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep. \r\n\r\nTHE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them. \r\n\r\nDINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing. \r\n\r\nHOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible. \r\n\r\nGOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. \r\n\r\nCOUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed. \r\n\r\nPLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. \r\n\r\nCHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun. \r\n\r\nCHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7391,
"title": "Basic Rules For Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect"
},
{
"body": "A girl named Melissa was having a birthday party with her friends. One of her friends gives her this most annoying, screaming and loud singing bird as a funny gift. Melissa's dad says \"We are not keeping that bird, you know that, right?\" Melissa says, \"Please, it's so cute. I'll put it in my room.\" The dad says that he will think about it. That night, Melissa asks her dad if it is OK to keep the singing bird. Her dad says \"I'm still not sure. I'll have to sleep on it.\" Melissa says \"No. Don't break it. Besides, won't it be more comfy if you slept in your bed?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7392,
"title": "Sleep on It!"
},
{
"body": "Boy: \"Miss, may I kiss you?\" \r\nGirl: \"No.\"\r\nBoy: \"Could you let me embrace your waist with my arms?\" \r\nGirl: \"No.\"\r\nBoy: \"Well, then, may I touch your hands?\" \r\nGirl: \"No.\"\r\nBoy: \"Why do you keep saying 'No' all the time?\" \r\nGirl: \"Mom said, when date with a boyfriend for the first time, remember to say No to everything.\"\r\nBoy: \"Oh, really? Your mom is so..., OK. Miss, do you mind I touch your hands?\"\r\nGirl: \"No.\"\r\nBoy: \"Miss, do you mind if I embrace your waist with my arms? \"\r\nGirl: \"No.\"\r\nBoy: \"Miss, do you mind I kiss you?\"\r\nGirl: \"Er... No.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7393,
"title": "Miss, May I Kiss You?"
},
{
"body": "Little 6 year old Nancy and her big sister, Sandy were at the mall, looking at a sweatshirt.\r\n\r\n\"That shirt is 60 dollars,\" said Sandy. \"I wish I could afford it.\"\r\n\r\nThen the shopkeeper comes up, and says, \"Can I help you girls with something?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, this sweater is 60 dollars and we only have 43 dollars,\" said Nancy.\r\n\r\n\"Well, sorry, but you are a little short,\" said the shopkeeper.\r\n\r\n\"I can't help it, I'm only 6,\" Nancy replied.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 7396,
"title": "A Little Short"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, she has to use the highway as a slip and slide!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7403,
"title": "Yo Momma So Fat..."
},
{
"body": "Why did they ban the wave at the local football games?\r\n*Too many blondes were drowning.\r\n\r\nWhy was the blonde on the roof of the bar?\r\n*Someone told her that the drinks were on the house.\r\n\r\nWhy don't blondes eat M&Ms?\r\n*They are too hard to peel.\r\n\r\nWhy do blondes take the pill?\r\n*It's the only way that they can keep track of what day of the week it is.\r\n\r\nDid you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?\r\n*She tied up the safe and blew the guard.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7406,
"title": "Blondes Will Be Blonde"
},
{
"body": "In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. \r\nToday, fathers pray their children will speak English. \r\n\r\n\r\nIn 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. \r\nToday, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home. \r\n\r\n\r\nIn 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. \r\nToday, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera. \r\n\r\n\r\nIn 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. \r\nToday, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle. \r\n\r\n\r\nIn 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. \r\nToday, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR. \r\n\r\n\r\nIn 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia. \r\nToday, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams. \r\n\r\n\r\nIn 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, \"Wake up, it's time for school.\" \r\nToday, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: \"Wake up, it's time for hockey practice.\" \r\n\r\n\r\nIn 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. \r\nToday, a father comes home to a note: \"Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at gym, Pizza in fridge.\" \r\n\r\n\r\nIn 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream. \r\nToday, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, \"WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE..\" \r\n\r\n\r\nIn 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles. \r\nToday, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: \"I wanted Sega!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7409,
"title": "100 Years Ago Vs. Today"
},
{
"body": "After a shower, the man grabbed his shirt that his wife hung on the back of the door. It fell into the trash can. After picking it up, he looked into the trash and saw nothing so he put the shirt on.\r\n\r\nHe went to college and walking along the corridor, he heard stiff laughs from everyone. After stopping in an open area, he looked around and saw nothing funny. When he started walking again, when PLOP, something behind him dropped to the floor.\r\n\r\nIt was his wife's bloody pad!\r\n\r\nApparently it had been in the trashcan when the shirt fell in and stuck to the back.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 7411,
"title": "Shirt"
},
{
"body": "A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, \"Hello!\" Her face was beaming.\r\n\r\nHe gave her that \"Who-are-you?\" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.\r\n\r\n\"Look,\" she said, \"I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children,\" and walked out of the store.\r\n\r\nThe guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but, MAYBE... during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college... perhaps I DID father her child!\r\n\r\nHe ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, \"Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?\"\r\n\r\n\"No!\" the woman said with a horrified look on her face, \"I'm your son's second-grade teacher.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7413,
"title": "Children's Father"
},
{
"body": "What crackers do firemen like in their soup?\r\n\r\nFirecrackers!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 7415,
"title": "Firemen"
},
{
"body": "Cecil and Scott are two homosexuals living together. It was extremely hot one day and Cecil arrived home to find Scott with his ass in the freezer.\r\n\r\n\"Scott! What are you doing with your ass in the freezer?\"\r\n\r\nScott replied, \"It was so hot outside, I thought you'd like something cool to slip into!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 7416,
"title": "Cool Ass"
},
{
"body": "Sven & Ole, a couple of Norwegians now living in Minnesota, head for the fair in Duluth. The first thing to catch Sven's eye is the big double Ferris wheel.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, Ole,\" he says, \"vould you look at dat. I've always vanted to go on von of dose big Ferris veels. Let's go ride on dat von.\"\r\n\r\nOle, not being near as adventurous as Sven says, \"Oh, I don't tink so. Dat looks kind of dangerous to me.\" \"Vell,\" says Sven, \"you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat ride.\"\r\n\r\nOle couldn't come up with a good reason so up they went. Ole had to admit after the ride that it was kind of fun.\r\n\r\nAfter another 10 or 15 minutes they came to the roller coaster. \"Oh Ole,\" says Sven, \"Vould you look at dat. Dat's von fine looking roller coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride' on dat.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, I don't tink so.\" says Ole. \"Dat looks very dangerous to me.\"\r\n\r\n\"Vell,\" says Sven. \"You give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go vit me on dat roller coaster.\"\r\n\r\nAgain Ole couldn't come up with a good reason so they both went up on the roller coaster. Ole had to admit after the ride that it wasn't so bad.\r\n\r\nAfter another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump. \"Oofdah!\" exclaimed Sven. \"Vill you yust look at dat, Ole. Dose people yump off dat big tower vit nuttink but a rubber band tied to dare ankles. Dat looks like so much fun. Come on, let's go do it.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, I don't tink so,\" says Ole. \"Dat's much too dangerous. Dis is vare I draw da line.\" \"Vell,\" says Sven, \"you give me yust von good reason vhy you von't go up on dat tower and yump off vit me.\"\r\n\r\n\"Ya, I give you a good reason,\" says Ole. \"I came into dis vorld because of a broken rubber and, by jimminy, I'm not going to leave it da same vay.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7420,
"title": "Broken Rubber"
},
{
"body": "Barbie Dolls Inc. announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the California market.\r\n\r\nRancho Santa Fe Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Saks Fifth Avenue. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a lapdog and a mansion. Options include tummy tuck, face lift and a workaholic Ken.\r\n\r\nPoway Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan, gets lost easily, and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.\r\n\r\nNational City Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows and a Meth Lab Ken. Also available in a Mexican version.\r\n\r\nLa Jolla Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit card and shallow Ken.\r\n\r\nLakeside/East County Barbie: This white-trash model comes in Wrangler jeans or a dickies mini skirt two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, volatile shoes, big bleach blonde white fried hair, a six pack of Coors Light and a Hank Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and she can kick Ken's ass\r\nwhen she's drunk. A pickup truck is available with Confederate flag bumper stickers.\r\n\r\nOcean Beach Barbie: This Barbie actually comes in two variations. One has long gray hair and archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. The other version has frizzy hair, a dingy white tanktop, low cut\r\njeans and scratch-n-sniff armpits.\r\n\r\nRiverside Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie still has not learned that you can't wear high-heeled sandals from Payless with no pedicure and without breaking a heel and falling while you chase your beer-gutted, hollow gold-chain-wearing boyfriend. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with lips covered in a sparkly pink color or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back of her jeans, a white barely-there\r\nsee-through shirt Her long, layered hair is bleached/highlighted and BIG. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi, rusty old Ford pick up.\r\n\r\nTexas Transplant Barbie: This bitch of a Barbie comes with a Ford SUV (Texas plates), a knife to stab other Barbies in the back, and tons of makeup. Carnivore Ken sold separately.\r\n\r\nThey are working on developing a \"Compton Barbie\", but she keeps getting shot.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7421,
"title": "Barbie"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so short, she had 2 cuff her panties.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7422,
"title": "Panties"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so fat, she jumped on the arch and made it into the MacDonald's M.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7423,
"title": "MacDonald's"
},
{
"body": "yo mama's so fat, she waz about 2 jump in the ocean, and the ocean jumped out and said u 1st.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7425,
"title": "Ocean"
},
{
"body": "When you go into the bathroom you're Russian; when you are in the bathroom, European; when you come out of the bathroom, you're Finnish.\r\n\r\nYou have to read the nationalities slowly",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7427,
"title": "Bathroom"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a duck and a spider?\r\n\r\nA duck has a web in its feet, a spider has its feet in a web!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7431,
"title": "Duck"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you cross a praying mantis with a termite?\r\n\r\nA bug that says grace before eating your house.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7432,
"title": "Praying Mantis"
},
{
"body": "Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?\r\n\r\nWhy do they call them \"apartments\" when they are all stuck together?\r\n\r\nWhy do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?\r\n\r\nWhy do they report power outages on TV?\r\n\r\nWhy do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?\r\n\r\nWhy do 'tug'boats push their barges? \r\n\r\nWhy do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?\r\n\r\nWhy do we have hot water heaters?\r\n\r\nWhy do we play in recitals and recite in plays?\r\n\r\nWhy do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?\r\n\r\nWhy do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? \r\n\r\nWhy do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?\r\n\r\nWhy does \"slow down\" and \"slow up\" mean the same thing? \r\n\r\nWhy does an alarm clock \"go off\" when it begins ringing?\r\n\r\nWhy does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?\r\n\r\nWhy doesn't \"onomatopoeia\" sound like what it is?\r\n\r\nWhy don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?\r\n\r\nWhy don't you ever see baby pigeons?\r\n\r\nWhy is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?\r\n\r\nWhy is a women's prison called a penal colony?\r\n\r\nWhy is it called a \"building\" when it is already built?\r\n\r\nWhy is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?\r\n\r\nWhy is it called a TV \"set\" when you only get one?\r\n\r\nWhy is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?\r\n\r\nWhy is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?\r\n\r\nWhy is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?\r\n \r\nWhy is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?\r\n\r\nWhy is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a \"near miss\"?\r\n\r\nWhy is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?\r\n\r\nWhy is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?\r\n\r\nWhy is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? \r\n\r\nWhy is the word \"abbreviate\" so long?\r\n\r\nDon't you have to get up to get to the tape?\r\n\r\nWhy is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?\r\n\r\nWhy is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?\r\n\r\nWhy isn't \"palindrome\" spelled the same way backwards?\r\n\r\nWhy isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? \r\n\r\nWhy isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?\r\n\r\nWould a fly without wings be called a walk?\r\n\r\nYou know how most packages say \"Open here\". What is the protocol if the package says, \"Open somewhere else\"?\r\n\r\nCan fat people go skinny-dipping?\r\n\r\nAfter eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?\r\n\r\nYou know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?\r\n\r\nAre there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?\r\n\r\nHave ex-bankers become disinterested?\r\n\r\nHave ex-civil lawyers been distorted?\r\n\r\nHave ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?\r\n\r\nHave ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?\r\n\r\nHave ex-punsters been expunged?\r\n\r\nHow come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?\r\n\r\nWhy is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?\r\n\r\nWhy is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?\r\n\r\nIs there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?\r\n\r\nIf you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?\r\n\r\nWhy is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?\r\n\r\nCan someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?\r\n\r\nIf a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember\r\nthat they forgot?\r\n\r\nIf you died with braces on would they take them off? \r\n\r\nWhy do mattresses have designs on them when they're always covered with sheets?\r\n\r\nIf a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?\r\n\r\nIf conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?\r\n\r\nWhy is shampoo clear but conditioner not?\r\n\r\nDo cows have calf muscles?\r\n\r\nHow come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?\r\n\r\nDo babies produce more spit than adults?\r\n\r\nWhy do they say \"an alarm going off,\" if it is really going on?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7433,
"title": "Questionable Questions"
},
{
"body": "A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, \"Where is Jesus today?\"\r\n\r\nSteven raised his hand and said, \"He's in heaven!\"\r\n\r\nMary was called on and answered, \"He's in my heart!\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, \"I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!\"\r\n\r\nThe whole class went very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny replied, \"Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7437,
"title": "Jesus in the Bathroom"
},
{
"body": "Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair\r\nAnd one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share\r\nHe fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet\r\nAnd he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.\r\n\r\nAbout that time two young and lovely girls just happened by\r\nOne says to the other with a twinkle in her eye\r\nSee yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built\r\nI wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt?\r\n\r\nThey crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be\r\nLifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see\r\nAnd there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt\r\nWas nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth!\r\n\r\nThey marveled for a moment then one said we must be gone\r\nLet's leave a present for our friend before we move along\r\nAs a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow\r\nAround the bonnie star the Scots kilt did lift and show.\r\n\r\nNow the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the trees\r\nBehind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees\r\nAnd in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes\r\nOh, lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize!",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 7438,
"title": "A Scottish Drinking Song"
},
{
"body": "Johnny and his mother were having a parent-teacher conference.\r\n\r\nMOTHER: Johnny really enjoys having you as a teacher, Mrs. Bengal.\r\n\r\nJOHNNY: Really? I didn't know it was opposite day!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 7439,
"title": "Opposite Day"
},
{
"body": "An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his rabbi.\r\n\r\n\"Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy' and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it.\"\r\n\r\n\"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable,\" said the rabbi.\r\n\r\n\"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her.\"\r\n\r\n\"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty.\"\r\n\r\n\"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours.\"\r\n\r\n\"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt.\"\r\n\r\n\"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question.\"\r\n\r\n\"And what is that?\"\r\n\r\n\"Should I tell her the war is over?\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 7441,
"title": "Is it Over Yet?"
},
{
"body": "1. If you had a $25 bill, what would you do with it?\r\n\r\n2. How many tomatoes grow on a tree?\r\n\r\n3. How many animals did Moses take on the ark?",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7443,
"title": "Another Blonde Quiz"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of a door?\r\nMatt\r\nWhat do you call a guy with no arms or legs swimming?\r\nBob\r\nWhat do you call a guy with no arms or legs water skiing?\r\nSkip",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7446,
"title": "Guy With No Arms or Legs"
},
{
"body": "(These are fake books, but they make me laugh)\r\n\"Spots on the Wall\" by Hoo-flung-poo\r\n\r\n\"Under the Bleachers\" by Seamore Butts\r\n\r\n\"Ten Steps from the Outhouse\" by Willie Makeit, Illustrations by Bettie Cant",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7447,
"title": "Fake Book Titles"
},
{
"body": "Why are all the numbers scared of 7?\r\n\r\nBecause 7 ate 9!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7448,
"title": "7, 8, 9"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock.\r\n\r\nWhos there?\r\n\r\nDeaf person.\r\n\r\nDeaf person who?\r\n\r\nSorry, can't hear you.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 7449,
"title": "Deaf"
},
{
"body": "A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. \r\n\r\nShe drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, \"Who can tell me what this is?\" \r\n\r\nA little girl raised her hand. \r\n\r\n\"Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?\" \r\n\r\n\"It's a cow, teacher.\" \r\n\r\n\"Very good, Janie,\" said the teacher. \r\n\r\nThen she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer. \r\n\r\n\"I'll give you a hint,\" said the teacher. \"What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?\" \r\n\r\nInstantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, \"I know, teacher. It's a big horny bastard!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 7451,
"title": "Horny Bastard"
},
{
"body": "A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ... \r\n\r\n(She is speaking in a cheery voice) \"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye.\" \r\n\r\nShe hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, \"Who was that?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh,\" she replies,\" that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7452,
"title": "The \"fishing\" Trip"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so dumb when she went through the McDonalds drive through, she drove through McDonalds.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7460,
"title": "Yo Momma So Dumb"
},
{
"body": "A blonde laughs at a joke 3 times.\r\n\r\nWhen the joke is told,\r\n\r\nWhen the joke is explained,\r\n\r\nAnd 5 days later, when she gets it.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7461,
"title": "A Blond Laughs at a Joke 3 Times"
},
{
"body": "The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English\r\nspelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).\r\n\r\nIn the first year, \"s\" will be used instead of the soft \"c\". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard \"c will be replaced with \"k\". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.\r\n\r\nThere will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome \"ph\" will be replaced by \"f\". This will make words like \"fotograf\" 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated\r\nchanges are possible.\r\n\r\nGovernments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent \"e\"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.\r\n\r\nBy the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing \"th\" by \"z\" and \"w\" by \" v\".\r\n\r\nDuring ze fifz year, ze unesesary \"o\" kan be dropd from vords kontaining \"ou\", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.\r\n\r\nAfter zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.\r\n\r\nZe drem vil finali kum tru.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7463,
"title": "English As the Universal Language"
},
{
"body": "I know this might be a little on the stupid side but I think it's funny...\r\n\r\n\r\nHappy Birthday to you..\r\n\r\nYou live in a zoo..\r\n\r\nYou smell like a monkey..\r\n\r\nAnd you look like one too..",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 7464,
"title": "Happy Birthday Song"
},
{
"body": "You Know You're a Pothead When... \r\nYou think the song \"Truckin'\" by the Grateful Dead should replace the national anthem.\r\n\r\nYour music collection is worth more than your vehicle.\r\n\r\nYour bong is taller than your dog.\r\n\r\nIt takes you more than 30 minutes to roll a joint.\r\n\r\nYou set your wedding date for 4/20.\r\n\r\nYou take off April 20th every year and treat it as a holiday.\r\n\r\nYou spent your last bit of money to score some herbs and don't have enough gas money to get home but you don't care.\r\n\r\nYou start every sentence with - uhhh!.\r\n\r\nYou intentionally roll seeds in your joints on independence day so you can hear the popping because you don't have money to buy fireworks.\r\n\r\nYou eat at Taco Bell more than 8 times a week.\r\n\r\nYou wear sunglasses at night, and see better.\r\n\r\nYou go to the corner store and the clerk automatically tosses a pack of rolling papers on the counter.\r\n\r\nYour pot tray is fuller than your refrigerator.\r\n\r\nYour bong gets washed more than your dishes.\r\n\r\nYou sell your car for gas money\r\n\r\nYou are the only tobacco smoker in the room and you look at the cigarette in the ashtray and ask, \"Is that my cigarette?\" \r\n\r\nYou're eating something on your way home thinking about what you're gonna eat when you get home!\r\n\r\nEvery cylinderical object you see, turns into plans on a new smoking device....\r\n\r\nJust to be religous, you observe 4:20 in every time zone.\r\n\r\nSomeone has ever come up to you on the street and said \"Hi\" and you said \"Yep.\"\r\n\r\nYou thought the ebola virus was a type of weed.\r\n\r\nYou think being stoned to death would be a damn good way to go out.\r\n\r\nYou have ever smoked pot before 8 o'clock in the morning.\r\n\r\nYou actually get these jokes and pass them on to other pothead friends.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7465,
"title": "You Know You're a Pothead When..."
},
{
"body": "Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers. \r\n\r\nRedhead sighed and said, \"Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde looked quizzically at her and said, \"You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?\" \r\n\r\nThe redhead said, \"I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde says, \"Don't you have a vase?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7466,
"title": "Flowers"
},
{
"body": "Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, \"Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again.\" One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, \"Yes, he is my husband.\" Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, \"I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7469,
"title": "Sex Education"
},
{
"body": "There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, \"What do you think you're doing?\"\r\n\r\nThe drunk says, \"I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 7471,
"title": "Drunk"
},
{
"body": "Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?\r\nA. They're called Predicaments",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7473,
"title": "Birth Control"
},
{
"body": "If someone says, \"A penny for your thoughts,\", and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7474,
"title": "Extra Cent"
},
{
"body": "Fred had just came back from a hiking trip, when his friend, George, asked how it was. \r\n\"It was great!\" said Fred, except on my way home I accidentally awoke a lion....it started chasing me....at one time he was so close, that I could feel his breath on my neck, but then he slipped!! He caught up again, and I could smell his foul breath right behind me, but he slipped again! Then he was so close, his paw reached out, inches away from my shoulders. Yet he slipped, for the third time! That is when I spotted a car and got a ride back here!\" \r\n\"Wow!\", says George, \"If that happened to me I would Have wet my pants!!\" Fred looks at him and says \r\n\"What do you think the lion kept slipping on?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7475,
"title": "Slippery"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's breath is so stank the thermometer read, \"I Quit!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7476,
"title": "Stank Breath"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so fat, she wears a microwave as a beeper.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7477,
"title": "Yo Momma's Beeper"
},
{
"body": "Q. what is more diffucult than getting a pregnant elephant in your car?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA. getting an elephant pregnant in your car",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7478,
"title": "Elephants"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why are families like chocolate?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA. They are mostly sweet, with a few nuts!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7480,
"title": "Chocolate"
},
{
"body": "Dad: Courtney, do you want penne pasta for dinner?\r\n\r\nCourtney: No, but I'll have dime or quarter pasta.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 7482,
"title": "Pasta Time"
},
{
"body": "Yo moma so fat, when she sat down, she sat next to Everyone!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7485,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's So Fat...\r\n\r\nWhen she crosses the border, they think she's tryin to smuggle the whole country.\r\n\r\nWhen she was at the zoo the elephants were scared she might step on them.\r\n\r\nShe's what caused Mexico City to sink into the ground.\r\n\r\nShe sunk Atlantis.\r\n\r\nShe once found a whale hidden in her belly button.\r\n\r\nWhen a plane has to make an emergancy landing they use her as a runway.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7486,
"title": "Yo Momma's So Fat..."
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock !\r\nWho's there ?\r\nBless !\r\nBless who ?\r\nI didn't sneeze !",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 7488,
"title": "Bless"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock\r\nWho's there !\r\nBanana !\r\nBanana who ?\r\nBanana split, so ice creamed !",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 7489,
"title": "Banana (not Like the Other Bananas)"
},
{
"body": "1) The couch is not mine.\r\n2) No matter how much larger the human is, the cat still deserves half of the bed.\r\n3) Tell those you love how much you love them but only after they feed you.\r\n4) Its okay to be a tad overweight as long as you are still able to reach your goals(for example the windowsill).\r\n5) Catnip actualy has a rather nice scent.\r\n6) The printer is a valid seat.\r\n7) All scurmishes with others can be solved by looking innocent.\r\n8) Its okay to lose some hair,\r\nand of course, \r\n9) Its always nice to be with those you love,even if they do smell like dog!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7491,
"title": "Things the Felines Have Taught Me"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mommas like a really popular website;over 10,000 hits a day",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7492,
"title": "Webpage"
},
{
"body": "A blonde, brunette, and a redhead all get together once a week to talk about the problems they are having with their daughters, and get input from the other two moms. So, the brunette decided to open the meeting. \r\n \"I found a pack of cigarettes on my daughter's nightstand the other night. What am I going to do?\"\r\n The moms told her to talk to her daughter and tell her it was wrong, and to never do it again.\r\n The redhead said that she had recently found a 12 pack of beer in her daughter's closet. The moms told her to talk to her daughter, tell her it was wrong, and never to do it again. \r\n When it was the blonde mom's turn she said:\r\n \"I found a box of condoms on my daughter's dresser the other day.\"\r\n All the moms are in shock. But the blonde gets up and says, \"No no, the worst part is that I didn't even know she had one of those.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7495,
"title": "Parent Meeting"
},
{
"body": "I know this isn't really a joke but I thought it was so funny that I wanted to share it with everyone...\r\n\r\n\r\n1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:\r\na) Lovemaking\r\nb) Screwing\r\nc) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town\r\n\r\n2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:\r\na) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship\r\nb) Your blood-test results\r\nc) Five tequila slammers\r\n\r\n3. You time your orgasm so that:\r\na) Your partner climaxes first\r\nb) You both climax simultaneously\r\nc) You don't miss SportsCenter\r\n\r\n4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:\r\na) Healthy, creative love-play\r\nb) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to\r\nc) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about\r\n\r\n5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:\r\na) The best part of the experience\r\nb) The second best part of the experience\r\nc) $100 extra\r\n\r\n6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:\r\na) No concern of yours\r\nb) Not a problem - she can join your gym\r\nc) A conservative estimate\r\n\r\n7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:\r\na) A myth\r\nb) An oxymoron\r\nc) A moron\r\n\r\n8. Foreplay is to sex as:\r\na) Appetizer is to entree\r\nb) Priming is to painting\r\nc) A queue is to an amusement park ride\r\n\r\n9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?\r\na) \"I hope we can still be friends.\"\r\nb) \"I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone....\"\r\nc) \"Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.\"\r\n\r\n10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:\r\na) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy\r\nb) Is uptight and a waste of time\r\nc) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place\r\n\r\n\r\nIf you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.\r\n\r\nIf you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.\r\n\r\nIf you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7498,
"title": "The Gentleman Quiz"
},
{
"body": "Think of the beat of the song walking in a winter wonderland while you are reading this...\r\n\r\nLacy things -- the wife is missin',\r\nDidn't ask -- her permission,\r\nI'm wearin' her clothes,\r\nHer silk pantyhose,\r\nWalkin' 'round in women's underwear.\r\n\r\nIn the store -- there's a teddy,\r\nLittle straps -- like spaghetti,\r\nIt holds me so tight,\r\nLike handcuffs at night,\r\nWalkin' 'round in women's underwear.\r\n\r\nIn the office there's a guy named Melvin,\r\nHe pretends that I am Murphy Brown.\r\n\r\nHe'll say, \"Are you ready?\" I'll say,\"Whoa, Man!\"\r\n\"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!\"\r\n\r\nLater on, if you wanna,\r\nWe can dress -- like Madonna,\r\nPut on some eyeshade,\r\nAnd join the parade,\r\nWalkin' 'round in women's underwear!\r\n\r\nLacy things... missin',\r\nDidn't ask... permission,\r\nWearin' her clothes,\r\nHer silk pantyhose,\r\nWalkin' 'round in women's underwear.\r\n\r\nWalkin' 'round in women's underwear,\r\nWalkin' 'round in women's underwear!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7499,
"title": "Walking in a Winter Wonderland"
},
{
"body": "A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks \r\nher over.\r\n\r\nHe says, \"You don't feel so tough now, do you,Batman!?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7500,
"title": "Batman"
},
{
"body": "What has 40 teeth and holds back a monster? \r\n\r\nMy zipper.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 7502,
"title": "Gross"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: None. That is what their students are for.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 7503,
"title": "Light Bulb"
},
{
"body": "Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.\r\n\r\nOne says to the other, \"Geez, I'd really like to dance with that girl.\"\r\n\r\nThe other man replies, \"Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken s***.\"\r\n\r\nSo the man approaches the lovely woman and says, \"Excuse me, would you be so kind as to dance with me?\"\r\n\r\nSeeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, \"I'm sorry, right now I'm contemplating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance.\"\r\n\r\nSo the man humbly returns to his friend.\r\n\"So what did she say?\" asks the friend.\r\n\r\nThe drunk responded, \"She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather s*** in her pants.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 7504,
"title": "Bar"
},
{
"body": "A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling\r\non the corner. The bum says, \"Mister, can you\r\nspare a dollar?\"\r\n\r\nThe man thinks about the question for a bit and \r\nasks the bum, \"If I give you a dollar, are you\r\ngoing to use it to buy liquor?\"\r\n\r\n\"No\", says the bum.\r\n\r\nThe man then asks the bum, \"If I give you a \r\ndollar are you going to use it to gamble?\"\r\n\r\n\"No\", says the bum.\r\n\r\nSo the man says to the bum, \"Do you mind coming\r\nhome with me so I can show my wife what happens\r\nto someone who doesn't drink or gamble?\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 7506,
"title": "BAR"
},
{
"body": "Q. What do me and a mirror have in common? \r\nA. When we see your face we both crack up!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7508,
"title": "Mirror"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?\r\nA: He heard the chicken was a slut.\r\n\r\nQ: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?\r\nA: They already have boyfriends.\r\n\r\nQ: Why is it that an archaeologist is the best man to have as a husband?\r\nA: The older you get the more he is interested in you.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?\r\nA: A widow!\r\n\r\nQ: Why are blond jokes so short?\r\nA: So men can remember them.\r\nMan: I don't know why you wear a bra. You've got nothing to put in it.\r\nWoman: You wear a pants, don't you?\r\n\r\nMan: God, why did you make my girlfriend so beautiful and caring?\"\r\nGod: So you would love her.\r\nMan: But God, why did you make her so stupid?\"\r\nGod: So she would love you!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7510,
"title": "The World of Men and Women"
},
{
"body": "You're so dumb you stole free samples.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 7511,
"title": "Dumb"
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between a lawyer and a wood tick?\r\n\r\nA wood tick falls off when you die.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7512,
"title": "One Liner"
},
{
"body": "Haven't I seen you on TV?\r\nWell yes I do appear off and on, how do you like me? \r\nOff.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7513,
"title": "T.V."
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat, she can sell shade.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7517,
"title": "Your Mama"
},
{
"body": "Your mama is so fat, a giant mistook her for a bowling ball!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 7518,
"title": "Bowling Ball"
},
{
"body": "One bright day in the middle of the night, \r\n2 dead boys got up to fight\r\nback to back they faced each other,\r\ndrew their knives,\r\nand shot each other.\r\na deaf policeman heard the noise, \r\nand came to kill those two dead boys.\r\nif you don't believe my stories true,\r\nask the blind guy, he saw it to!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7519,
"title": "It's True!!"
},
{
"body": "Man: \"Do you think I'll lose my looks when I get older?\"\r\n\r\nFriend: \"With luck, yes.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 7534,
"title": "Looks"
},
{
"body": "Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?\r\nA. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 7535,
"title": "Autopsies"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.\r\n\r\nYo mamma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.\r\n\r\nYo mamma so old she ran track with dinosaurs.\r\n\r\nYo mamma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.\r\n\r\nYo mamma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7537,
"title": "Favorites"
},
{
"body": "A job seeker was interviewing, and the interviewer asked him, \"Tell me what is your greatest strength?\"\r\n\r\nThe prospective employee said, \"Sir, I am a little bit shy, but should I give you my honest answer?\"\r\n\r\nThe interviewer says, \"Of course, yes. I expect nothing but honesty from my staff.\" \r\n\r\nThe job seeker says, \"Sir, my greatest strength is my wife.\"\r\n\r\nThe interviewer was quite impressed with the spousal respect of this man, thought he could be a great member of his team, corporate community and he deserved the job.\r\n\r\nSo with an intention of offering him the job soon the interviewer tried to wrap up with the last question, \"Tell me now, what is your greatest weakness?\"\r\n\r\nThe guy felt encouraged, and went on, \"Sir, my greatest weakness is someone else's wife.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 7540,
"title": "Interview"
},
{
"body": "There have been recent terrorist activities in France. Today the had to upgrade their security system from \"Run\" to \"Hide\". If things get any worse they'll have to go to \"Surrender\", and then \"Beg for Mercy\".",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 7544,
"title": "French Alert"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat she uses a dump truck as a toilet!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7545,
"title": "So FAT!"
},
{
"body": "yo mom is like a shotgun, one cock and shes ready to blow",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7546,
"title": "Shotgun"
},
{
"body": "Signs in the USA (mostly)\r\n \r\nIn front of a New Hampshire restaurant:\r\n\"Now serving live lobsters\"\r\n \r\nOn the menu of a restaurant:\r\n\"Blackened bluefish\"\r\n \r\nIn a Maine restaurant:\r\n\"Open seven days a week and weekends.\"\r\n \r\nIn a New Jersey restaurant:\r\n\"Open seven days a week and weekends.\"\r\n \r\nOn the walls of a Baltimore estate:\r\n\"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. \r\n -- Sisters of Mercy\"\r\n \r\nOn a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store:\r\n\"Thirty-eight years on the same spot.\"\r\n \r\nIn a New York drugstore:\r\n\"We dispense with accuracy.\"\r\n \r\nIn a New York medical building:\r\n\"Mental Health Prevention Center\"\r\n \r\nOn a New York convalescent home:\r\n\"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church\"\r\n \r\nIn a funeral parlor:\r\n\"Ask about our layaway plan.\"\r\n\r\nIn a clothing store:\r\n\"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.\"\r\n \r\nOutside a country shop:\r\n\"We buy junk and sell antiques.\"\r\n \r\nIn a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:\r\n\"15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!\"\r\n \r\nIn a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers:\r\n\"Parking for birds only.\"\r\n \r\nIn the vestry of a New England church:\r\n\"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is\r\nextinguished\"\r\n \r\nIn a laundry room:\r\n\"Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage.\"\r\n \r\nA sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago:\r\n\"Do not activate with wet hands.\"\r\n \r\nIn a New Hampshire jewelry store:\r\n\"Ears pierced while you wait.\"\r\n \r\nIn a New York restaurant:\r\n\"Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.\"\r\n \r\nA sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin:\r\n\"Crap - .79/lb.\"\r\n \r\nIn a Florida maternity ward:\r\n\"No children allowed.\"\r\n \r\nIn the offices of a loan company:\r\n\"Ask about our plans for owning your home.\"\r\n \r\nAt a number of US military bases:\r\n\"Restricted to unauthorized personnel.\"\r\n \r\nOn a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards:\r\n\"Now available in multi-packs\"\r\n \r\nIn the window of an Oregon general store:\r\n\"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?\"\r\n \r\nIn a Pennsylvania cemetary:\r\n\"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own\r\ngraves.\"\r\n \r\nOn the grounds of a private school:\r\n\"No trespassing without permission.\"\r\n\r\nIn a library:\r\n\"Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops \r\ntaking it away.\"\r\n \r\nOn a Tennessee highway:\r\n\"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.\"\r\n \r\nIn front of a New Hampshire car wash:\r\n\"If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car.\"\r\n \r\nOn a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon:\r\n\"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help.\"\r\n \r\nA sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from\r\nthe Transbay bus terminal:\r\n\"Terminal Drugs\"\r\n \r\nFrom the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket:\r\n\"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell\r\na crew member.\"\r\n \r\nOn a delicatessen wall:\r\n\"Our best is none too good\"\r\n \r\nOn a roller caoster:\r\n\"Watch your head\"\r\n \r\nOn a Maine shop:\r\n\"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and\r\nworkmanship.\"\r\n \r\nIn downtown Boston:\r\n\"Callahan Tunnel / No end.\"\r\n \r\nA sign on a front yard in York, Maine:\r\n\"Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7547,
"title": "Signs Seen in USA"
},
{
"body": "FUNNY ENGLISH NOTICES AROUND THE WORLD!\r\n---------------------------------------\r\n Here are some signs and notices written in English that were\r\n discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an\r\n 'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.\r\n \r\n In a Tokyo Hotel:\r\n Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a \r\n person to do such thing is please not to read notis.\r\n \r\n In a Bucharest hotel lobby:\r\n The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we\r\n regret that you will be unbearable.\r\n \r\n In a Leipzig elevator:\r\n Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.\r\n \r\n In a Belgrade hotel elevator:\r\n To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin\r\n should enter more persons, each one should press a number of\r\n wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by\r\n national order.\r\n \r\n In a Paris hotel elevator:\r\n Please leave your values at the front desk.\r\n \r\n In a hotel in Athens:\r\n Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the\r\n hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.\r\n \r\n In a Yugoslavian hotel:\r\n The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the\r\n chambermaid.\r\n \r\n In a Japanese hotel:\r\n You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.\r\n \r\n In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox\r\n monastery:\r\n You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and\r\n Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except\r\n Thursday.\r\n \r\n In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:\r\n Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the\r\n boots of ascension.\r\n \r\n On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:\r\n Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.\r\n \r\n On the menu of a Polish hotel:\r\n Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy\r\n dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;\r\n beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.\r\n \r\n Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:\r\n Ladies may have a fit upstairs.\r\n \r\n In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:\r\n Drop your trousers here for best results.\r\n \r\n Outside a Paris dress shop:\r\n Dresses for street walking.\r\n \r\n In a Rhodes tailor shop:\r\n Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute\r\n customers in strict rotation.\r\n \r\n A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:\r\n It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that\r\n people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live\r\n together in one tent unless they are married with each other \r\n for that purpose.\r\n \r\n In a Zurich hotel:\r\n Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the\r\n opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby \r\n be used for this purpose.\r\n \r\n In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:\r\n Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.\r\n \r\n In a Rome laundry:\r\n Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon \r\n having a good time.\r\n \r\n In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:\r\n Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no\r\n miscarriages.\r\n \r\n Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:\r\n Would you like to ride on your own ass?\r\n \r\n In a Swiss mountain inn:\r\n Special today -- no ice cream.\r\n \r\n In a Bangkok temple:\r\n It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed\r\n as a man.\r\n \r\n In a Tokyo bar:\r\n Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.\r\n \r\n In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:\r\n We take your bags and send them in all directions.\r\n \r\n On the door of a Moscow hotel room:\r\n If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to\r\n it.\r\n \r\n In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:\r\n Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.\r\n \r\n In a Budapest zoo:\r\n Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable\r\n food, give it to the guard on duty.\r\n \r\n In the office of a Roman doctor:\r\n Specialist in women and other diseases.\r\n \r\n In an Acapulco hotel:\r\n The manager has personally passed all the water served here.\r\n \r\n In a Tokyo shop:\r\n Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are\r\n best in the long run.\r\n \r\n From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air\r\n conditioner:\r\n Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your\r\n room, please control yourself.\r\n \r\n From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:\r\n When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.\r\n Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles \r\n your passage then tootle him with vigor.\r\n \r\n Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:\r\n - English well talking.\r\n - Here speeching American.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7550,
"title": "People Are Stupid"
},
{
"body": "Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected\r\nmany of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the\r\nCourt (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From\r\nMrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some transquips:\r\n \r\n \r\nQ. What is your brother-in-law's name?\r\nA. Borofkin.\r\nQ. What's his first name?\r\nA. I can't remember.\r\nQ. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first\r\nname?\r\nA. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing\r\nto Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!\r\n --------\r\nQ. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?\r\nA. I refuse to answer that question.\r\nQ. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?\r\nA. I refuse to answer that question.\r\nQ. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?\r\nA. No.\r\n --------\r\nQ. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?\r\nA. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.\r\n --------\r\nQ. What is your name?\r\nA. Ernestine McDowell.\r\nQ. And what is your marital status?\r\nA. Fair.\r\n --------\r\nQ. Are you married?\r\nA. No, I'm divorced.\r\nQ. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?\r\nA. A lot of things I didn't know about.\r\n --------\r\nQ. And who is this person you are speaking of?\r\nA. My ex-widow said it.\r\n --------\r\nQ. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?\r\nA. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,\r\nand said he was really good.\r\n --------\r\nQ. Were you aquainted with the deceased?\r\nA. Yes, sir.\r\nQ. Before or after he died?\r\n --------\r\nQ. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?\r\nA. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.\r\n --------\r\nTHE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present \r\ninformation\r\nand prejudice from your minds, if you have any.\r\n --------\r\nQ. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?\r\nA. No.\r\nQ. What was he doing with the dog's ears?\r\nA. Picking them up in the air.\r\nQ. Where was the dog at this time?\r\nA. Attached to the ears.\r\n --------\r\nQ. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,\r\nfor the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also,\r\nwould he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?\r\nMR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.\r\n --------\r\nQ. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?\r\nA. She is my daughter.\r\nQ. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?\r\n --------\r\nQ. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a\r\nvictim?\r\n --------\r\nQ. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?\r\nA. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.\r\n --------\r\nQ. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe\r\nwith respect to your scalp?\r\nA. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.\r\nQ. It was covered?\r\nA. Yes, bandaged.\r\nQ. Then, later on.. what did you see?\r\nA. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top\r\nof my head.\r\n --------\r\nQ. Could you see him from where you were standing?\r\nA. I could see his head.\r\nQ. And where was his head?\r\nA. Just above his shoulders.\r\n --------\r\nQ. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this \r\ndefendant?\r\nA. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and\r\nshe did!\r\n --------\r\nQ. Do you drink when you're on duty?\r\nA. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.\r\n --------\r\nQ. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial\r\ninstead of an attempted murder trial?\r\nA. The victim lived.\r\n --------\r\nQ. Are you sexually active?\r\nA. No, I just lie there.\r\n --------\r\nQ. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?\r\nA. Yes, I have been since early childhood.\r\n --------\r\nQ. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective\r\nwitness,\r\nisn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?\r\nA. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.\r\n --------\r\nQ. What is the meaning of sperm being present?\r\nA. It indicates intercourse.\r\nQ. Male sperm?\r\nA. That is the only kind I know.\r\n --------\r\nQ. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 7556,
"title": "Court"
},
{
"body": "SUBJECT: Soap Saga\r\n \r\n \r\n Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.\r\n \r\n \r\n WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE \"FREE\" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING\r\n \r\n Dear Maid,\r\n Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,\r\n S. Berman\r\n \r\n \r\n -----------------------------------------------------------\r\n \r\n Dear Room 635,\r\n I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.\r\n I hope this is satisfactory.\r\n Kathy, Relief Maid\r\n \r\n \r\n -----------------------------------------------------------\r\n \r\n Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.\r\n Apparently, Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.\r\n I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.\r\n Please remove them.\r\n S. Berman\r\n \r\n \r\n -----------------------------------------------------------\r\n \r\n Dear Mr. Berman,\r\n My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.\r\n Your regular maid,\r\n Dotty\r\n \r\n \r\n -----------------------------------------------------------\r\n \r\n \r\n Dear Mr. Berman,\r\n The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this a.m. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8 a.m. and 5p.m. Thank you.\r\n Elaine Carmen\r\n Housekeeper\r\n \r\n \r\n -----------------------------------------------------------\r\n \r\n Dear Miss Carmen,\r\n It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7.45 a.m. and don't get back before 5.30 or 6 p.m. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.\r\n I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?\r\n S. Berman\r\n \r\n \r\n -----------------------------------------------------------\r\n \r\n Dear Mr. Berman,\r\n Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. Thank you,\r\n Elaine Carmen,\r\n Housekeeper\r\n \r\n \r\n -----------------------------------------------------------\r\n \r\n Dear Mr. Kensedder,\r\n My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.\r\n S. Berman\r\n \r\n \r\n -----------------------------------------------------------\r\n \r\n Dear Mr. Berman,\r\n I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.\r\n I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.\r\n Martin L. Kensedder\r\n Assistant Manager\r\n \r\n \r\n -----------------------------------------------------------\r\n \r\n \r\n Dear Mrs. Carmen,\r\n Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath size Dial.\r\n Please give me back my bath-size Dial.\r\n S. Berman\r\n \r\n \r\n -----------------------------------------------------------\r\n \r\n Dear Mr. Berman,\r\n You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.\r\n Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.\r\n Elaine Carmen\r\n Housekeeper\r\n \r\n \r\n -----------------------------------------------------------\r\n \r\n Dear Mrs. Carmen,\r\n Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.\r\n \r\n As of today I possess:\r\n \r\n - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.\r\n - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.\r\n - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.\r\n - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.\r\n - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.\r\n - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.\r\n - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.\r\n \r\n Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.\r\n S. Berman",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7557,
"title": "Soap!"
},
{
"body": "How can you spot a happy motorcyclist?\r\n\r\nBy the bugs in his teeth.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7561,
"title": "Motorcycling"
},
{
"body": "My karma ran over your dogma.\r\n\r\nCover me. I'm changing lanes.\r\n\r\nI'm in no hurry, I'm on my way to work.\r\n\r\nHey idiot, hang up! You are driving a car, not a phone booth. \r\n\r\nTake your time, but hurry.\r\n\r\nSpeed kills, drive slow, get a Honda.\r\n\r\n0 to 60... in 15 minutes.\r\n\r\nIf you don't like my driving, stay off the footpath. \r\n\r\nWhy am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?\r\n\r\nForget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal.\r\n\r\nAs a matter of fact, I DO own the road. \r\n\r\nEvacuate the road!!! STUDENT driving!!\r\n\r\nGo on speeding, we'll cut you out (of your car ) -- Your Fire Dept.\r\n\r\nCaution: Driver Sleeping.\r\n\r\nDon't Think and Drive. \r\n\r\nCaution I swerve and hit people at random.\r\n\r\nSo many pedestrians, so little time.\r\n\r\nFaster than a speeding ticket.\r\n\r\nCaution: I drive like you do \r\n\r\nThe driver has no money, he's married.\r\n\r\nStop reading my bumper stickers and pay attention to the road! :D",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7562,
"title": "Funny Bumper Stickers"
},
{
"body": "A schoolteacher wanted to show her students how dangerous drinking alcohol could be. She brought a jar of alcohol and an earthworm to class one day to demonstrate its effects. She dropped the worm into the alcohol and it died instantly. She then asked her students what this proved.\r\nOne student raised his hand and said, \"If you drink a lot of alcohol, you won't get worms.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 7563,
"title": "Worms"
},
{
"body": "During the Irish Potato famine, a young Irish-Catholic woman was worried about the poverty of her family. She told her parents that she was going to America to seek her fortune. With many tears, they let her go.\r\n\r\nYears passed, and the woman returned home. She arrived in a private jet, dressed in a gorgeous designer gown, with dazzling, expensive jewelry. Her family was stunned by their daughter's wealth, and a more than a little curious at how she had come by it. The daughter finally confessed. \"I hate to tell you this, but the reason I became so rich was because I became a prostitute.\"\r\n\r\nHer father immediately collapsed in shock. The doctor was called, and he began to help the man. As the daughter wept at her father's bedside, she sobbed, \"I didn't realize he would be so disappointed to hear I became a prostitute!\"\r\n\r\nThe father sat bolt upright. \"Prostitute?!\" he exclaimed. \"I thought you said 'Protestant'!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7566,
"title": "Protestants"
},
{
"body": "\"Honk if you hate noise pollution!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7568,
"title": "A Spotted Bumper Sticker"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so dumb she got hit by a parked car!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7569,
"title": "So Dumb.."
},
{
"body": "If your ex-lover wants you back and you want him to know your serious, here's something you could say:\r\n\r\n\"Come on back and take yo space,\r\n'cuz if you break my heart again, \r\nI'll break yo face\".",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7572,
"title": "Ex-lover Comeback"
},
{
"body": "At the end of a T.V. show, why do they say \"filmed in front of a live audience?\"\r\n\r\n\r\nWell, it wouldn't be a dead audience, would it?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7573,
"title": "T.V. Audience"
},
{
"body": "Why do Chickens have no breast?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nCause the Rooster has no hands!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7574,
"title": "Chickens"
},
{
"body": "Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. \r\n\"What's the problem?\" \r\n\r\n\"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract,\" snapped the oil man. \r\n\r\n\"I don't know if that will fly,\" said the lawyer. \"I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!\" \r\n\r\n\"Damn right,\" the tycoon rejoined, \"but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7580,
"title": "Divorce"
},
{
"body": "The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word \"definitely\" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.\r\n\r\nWhen called upon the first student says, \"The sky is definitely blue.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher said, \"Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy.\"\r\n\r\nAnother student says, \"Grass is definitely green.\"\r\n\r\nTeacher again replies, \"If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct.\"\r\n\r\nAnother student raises his hand and asks the teacher, \"Do farts have lumps?\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher replied, \"No, and that is not a suitable question for class discussion.\"\r\n\r\nThe student replies, \"Then I definitely pooped in my pants.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 7585,
"title": "Definitely"
},
{
"body": "A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.\r\n\r\nMom said, 'Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?'\r\n\r\n'Uh, oh yeah, OK,' responded the kid.\r\n\r\nSo Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.\r\n\r\nWhen she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time?\r\n\r\nMom said, 'Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000'\r\n\r\n'That's $1020!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you crazy???'\r\n\r\n'Don't worry hon,' Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!'",
"category": "College",
"id": 7586,
"title": "College Money"
},
{
"body": "The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.\r\n\r\n\"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant,\" she confessed miserably.\r\n\r\n\"I'm sure we\u00c2\u00b4ll solve your problem,\" the doctor reassured her. \r\n\r\n\"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, all right, doctor,\" agreed the young woman, blushing, \"but I'd rather have my husband's baby.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 7597,
"title": "First Time"
},
{
"body": "One day a blond and a redhead were talking on the phone.\r\nBlonde:My doctor told me I have to lose about ten pounds.\r\nRedhead:Oh really? Do you know what you going to do?\r\nBlonde: No not at all... hey you lost wieght recently. How did you do it?\r\nRedhead: I used the special K diet \r\nblonde:Whats that?\r\nRedhead:Well you eat a bowl of special K for lunch and one for breakfast and have a sensable dinner each day. I lost 5 pounds in a week\r\nBlonde: Okay thanks!\r\na week later the blonde calls back her friend\r\nRedhead: How did it work?\r\nblonde:Not well at all i gained 5 pounds\r\nredhead: Really did you follow my intructions exactly?\r\nblonde: Well no but i had to lose double the wieght\r\nRedhead: Well what did you do?\r\nblonde: Well i figured that if 1 bowl for both breakfast and lunch was good for 5 pounds then two bowls for both breakfast and lunch would be good for ten.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7598,
"title": "Diet Time"
},
{
"body": "A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.\r\n\r\nA week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.\r\n\r\n\"I just can't believe this,\" the distraught husband said.\r\n\r\nThe detective said, \"What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!\"\r\n\r\nThe husband replied, \"I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7599,
"title": "Jealous Husband"
},
{
"body": "A man sat in his attorney's office.\r\n\r\n\"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?\" the lawyer asked.\r\n\r\n\"Give me the bad news first.\"\r\n\r\n\"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's the bad news?\" asked the man, incredulously. \"I can't wait to hear the terrible news.\"\r\n\r\n\"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 7602,
"title": "Priceless Picture"
},
{
"body": "A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.\r\n\r\nWhen his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day, and he would have to return the next day.\r\n\r\n\"What for?\" he snapped at the judge.\r\n\r\nHis honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, \"Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!\"\r\n\r\nThen, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.\r\n\r\n\"That's all right. You don't have to pay now.\"\r\n\r\nThe young man replied, \"I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 7603,
"title": "Two More Words"
},
{
"body": "I once knew a boy who was dating his left hand and having an affair with his right.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 7609,
"title": "An Affair"
},
{
"body": "A blonde goes on vacation to New York and wants to take a tour. \r\n\r\nShe goes to ask about the tours and says, \"So, where can I catch the bus for the walking tour?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7610,
"title": "Walking Tour"
},
{
"body": "Dear Abby:\r\n\r\nMy husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.\r\n\r\nWhat should I do?\r\n\r\nSigned, Clueless\r\n\r\n\r\nDear Clueless:\r\n\r\nGrow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him any more.\r\nYou're a United States Senator from New York. Act like it!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 7611,
"title": "Dear Abby"
},
{
"body": "A blonde boards a flight going to New York and sits in first class. A flight attendant asks to see her ticket. It's a coach ticket. The flight attendant politely asks her to move. \"I can do what eva I want! I'm a blonde.\" says the blonde. The flight attendant tells one of the other flight attendants that the blonde won't move. The second flight attendant walks up to the blonde and says something to her and the blonde goes to coach. \"What did you say to her?\" asks the first flight attendant. \"I told her that first class wasnt going to New York, only coach is.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7613,
"title": "No First Class"
},
{
"body": "The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.\r\n\r\n1. It's an incentive to show up.\r\n2. It reduces stress.\r\n3. It leads to more honest communications.\r\n4. It reduces complaints about low pay. \r\n5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.\r\n6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.\r\n7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.\r\n8. It encourages carpooling.\r\n9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.\r\n10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.\r\n11. It makes fellow employees look better.\r\n12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.\r\n13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.\r\n14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.\r\n15. If somebody does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 7614,
"title": "Reasons to Allow Drinking at Work-"
},
{
"body": "A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. \r\nAlready there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. \r\nThe new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. \r\nThe old-timer says, \"Look at me. I'm old and worn out. \r\nYou'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. \r\nI wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.\" \r\nThe new man asked, \"What happened?\" \r\n\"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7620,
"title": "A new Person in Prison"
},
{
"body": "A blonde is eating out at a very fancy restaurant with her family. Right then she sees an ice carving of a dolphin by the wall. \r\n\r\nShe says to the waiter, \"I love that ice carving, but what do you do with it when it melts?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7621,
"title": "Ice"
},
{
"body": "A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. \r\n\r\nWhen asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: \"I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.\"\r\n\r\n\"But how do you know when you are going to land?\" he was asked. \"I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground\" he answered.\r\n\r\n\"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?\" he was again asked.\r\n\r\nHe answered: \"Oh, the dog's leash goes slack.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7622,
"title": "Skidiving For the Blind"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was telling her priest a Polack joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, \"Don't you know I'm Polish?\"\r\n\"Oh, I'm sorry,\" the blonde apologizes, \"do you want me to start over and talk slower?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7624,
"title": "Do You Realize What I Am?"
},
{
"body": "Wonder if you are a redneck....Well, if you have been married four times and still have the same in-laws you must be.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 7625,
"title": "Redneck Marriage"
},
{
"body": "Sunday's sermon was -- Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, \"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?\"\r\n\r\n80 percent of the congregation held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time except one small elderly lady. \"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?\" the minister asked. \r\n\r\n\"I don't have any.\" She replied. smiling sweetly.\r\n\r\n\"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?\"\r\n\r\n\"Ninety-Eight.\" She replied.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, Mrs. Jones. Would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world.\"\r\n\r\n The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, \"I outlived the bitches.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7626,
"title": "Enemies"
},
{
"body": "The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. \"Well, we're a mighty crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room\" replied the farmer. \"But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher.\"\r\n\r\n\"Look,\" said the tourist, \"I want you to know I'm a gentleman.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" mused the farmer, \"as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 7628,
"title": "School Teacher"
},
{
"body": "When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals. \r\n\r\n\"Listen up!\" Noah said with a demanding voice. \"There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. \r\n\r\nI will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back.\" \r\n\r\nAfter about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. \"Quick!\" he said, \"Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!\" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, \"Sorry, no land yet.\" \"Damn!\", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit. \r\n\r\nThis went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, \"What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?\" \r\n\r\n\"Look!\", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, \"I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7629,
"title": "Noah Receipts"
},
{
"body": "A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. \"Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time!\" she exclaimed suddenly. \r\n\r\nWhen she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up. \r\n\r\nShe greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. \"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.\" \r\n\r\nNeedless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. \r\n\r\n\"You're going to kill him!\" they exclaimed. \r\n\r\nTwo months later, her husband died. \r\n\r\nThe women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, \"You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?\" \r\n\r\nThe wife stoically replied, \"I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7631,
"title": "Cat Food Salad"
},
{
"body": "Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. \"In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!\"\r\n\r\nAnother horse breaks in, \"Well, in the last 27 races, I've won 19!\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!\" says another, flicking his tail.\r\n\r\nAt this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting there, listening. \"I don't mean to boast,\" says the greyhound, \"but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!\"\r\n\r\nThe horses are clearly amazed.\r\n\r\n\"Wow!\" says one, after a hushed silence. \"A talking dog.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7633,
"title": "Races"
},
{
"body": "Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate\r\n\r\n1.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7638,
"title": "Procrastination"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many colorguard girls does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA: Five, one to call the colorguard forward and four to take it down with a ceremony.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 7641,
"title": "Colorguard Girls"
},
{
"body": "A young blonde stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.\r\n\r\nThat week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later, and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?\r\n\r\nAt that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her, and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.\r\n\r\n\"That's a lovely car,\" said the mechanic. \"What seems to be the matter?\" \"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid.\"\r\n\r\n\"Let me have look.\" He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.\r\n\r\n\"Thank goodness,\" she said. \"What was the matter?\" \"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor,\" he replied.\r\n\r\nLooking shocked she asked, \"Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7643,
"title": "Car Troubles"
},
{
"body": "A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams.He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the sheet over the body, and to his surprise he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.\r\n\r\nFiguring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out, and to his surprise, music begins playing:\r\n\r\n\"On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again...\" The student is amazed, and places the cork back in the backside. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.\r\n\r\n\"Look at this, this is really something,\" the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. \"On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again...\"\r\n\r\n\"So what?\" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.\r\n\r\n\"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?\" asked the student.\r\n\r\n\"Are you kidding?\" replied the Examiner, \"Any asshole can sing country music.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 7646,
"title": "Country Music"
},
{
"body": "Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and \"splash\" they're all in the pool\r\n\r\nThe guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.\r\n\r\nTen lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.\r\n\r\nHe picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.\r\n\r\nEventually the head catches his breath and shouts: \"Three years I've spent learning to swim with my !@#$% ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 7650,
"title": "Swimming Contest"
},
{
"body": "What do PSP's and Michael Jackson have in common? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThe both get turned on by little boys!!!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 7653,
"title": "Michael Jackson"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat she's scared to look at low fat food!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7654,
"title": "Food!"
},
{
"body": "Did u here Michael Jackson is sick? \r\n\r\n\r\nHe had a 10 year old penis!!!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 7655,
"title": "Michael Jackson"
},
{
"body": "Why was the cemetary so crowded? \r\n\r\n\r\nEveryone was dying to get in!!!!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7656,
"title": "Graveyard"
},
{
"body": "A kid said \"I have a dirty joke; a kid fell in the mud\".\r\n\r\nAnother kid said, \"I know a dirty joke; two kids fell into a pile of mud\".\r\n\r\nThen the other kid said, \"Well, I bet I have the dirtest joke of all; 2 pigs fell into a pile of mud and 3 came out!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 7657,
"title": "Pigs"
},
{
"body": "A woman hurries home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, \"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!\" \r\n\r\nThe husband says, \"Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?\"\r\n\r\n\"Doesn't matter,\" she says. \"Just get the hell out.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7658,
"title": "Take What You Want"
},
{
"body": "Joke: Why does Snoop Dogg Carry an umbrella?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnswer: For Drizzle my nizzle",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7660,
"title": "A Very Dry Snoop Dogg"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so fat the other day she was late to work and her stomach was an hour early.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7664,
"title": "Late to Work"
},
{
"body": "Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7667,
"title": "Don't Follow Me"
},
{
"body": "Perhaps the Most Truthful: on Microsoft marketing:\r\n\"There won't be anything we won't say to people to try and convince them that our way is the way to go.\"\r\n\r\nNot on his mind while developing Win9X..circa 1981...\r\n\"640K ought to be enough for anybody.\"\r\n\r\nOn the solid code base of Win9X... thanks WPW!\r\n\"If you can't make it good, at least make it look good.\" \r\n\r\nfrom \"OS/2 Programmer's Guide\" (forward by Bill Gates):\r\n\"I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating system, and possibly program, of all time. As the successor to DOS, which has over 10,000,000 systems in use, it creates incredible opportunities for everyone involved with PCs.\"\r\n\r\nBill Gates, Free Market and the LA Times Thanks GC!\r\n\"There are people who don't like capitalism, and people who don't like PCs. But there's no-one who likes the PC who doesn't like Microsoft\" \r\n\r\nFrom the back of an old Digitalk Smalltalk/V PM manual, 1990:\r\n\"This is the right way to develop applications for OS/2 PM. OS/2 PM is a tremendously rich environment, which makes it inherently complex. Smalltalk/V PM removes that complexity and lets you concentrate on writing great programs. Smalltalk/V PM is the kind of tool that will make OS/2 the successor to MS/DOS\".\r\n\r\nfrom \"OS/2 Notebook\", Microsoft Press, (c) 1990 - an excerpt from an interview with Bill Gates and Jim Cannavino, p. 614:\r\nDeveloper: Does the announcement [of the OS/2 joint development agreement between IBM and Microsoft] mean that Microsoft is curtailing any plans for future development of Windows?\r\nGates: Microsoft has not changed any of its plans for Windows. It is obvious that we will not include things like threads and preemptive multitasking in Windows. By the time we added that, you would have OS/2.\r\n\r\nThere's a reason they threw it away...\r\nfrom \"Programmers at Work\" by Microsoft Press, interview with Bill (found on comp.os.os2.advocacy),\r\nInterviewer: Is studying computer science the best way to prepare to be a programmer?\r\n\r\nGates: No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished out listings of their operating system.\r\n\r\nOnly the finest Microsoft marketing! (submitted by BarryB):\r\n\"If you don't know what you need Windows NT for, you don't need it.\" \r\n\r\nOn the Box of Windows 2.11 for 286 (submitted by GLDM)\r\n\"New interface closely resembles Presentation Manager, preparing you for the wonders of OS/2!\"\r\n\r\nOn code stability, from Focus Magazine (submitted by Benedikt Heinen Microsoft programs are generally bug-free. If you visit the Microsoft hotline, you'll literally have to wait weeks if not months until someone calls in with a bug in one of our programs. 99.99% of calls turn out to \r\nbe user mistakes.\r\n[...] \r\nI know not a single less irrelevant reason for an update than bugfixes. The reasons for updates are to present more new features.\r\n\r\nUnconfirmed quotes:\r\n\r\nMicrosoft's GUI innovations... 1983 (thanks E.R.)\r\n\"Imagine the disincentive to software development if after months of work another company could come along and copy your work and market it under its own name...without legal restraints to such copying, companies like Apple could not afford to advance the state of the art.\"\r\n\r\nEven more 1984 predictions (thanks Scott Renyen)\r\n\"The next generation of interesting software will be made on a Macintosh, not an IBM PC.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 7669,
"title": "Bill Gates Quotes"
},
{
"body": "Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.\r\n \r\n \r\n 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.\r\n \r\n 2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.\r\n \r\n 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.\r\n \r\n 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.\r\n \r\n 5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.\r\n \r\n 6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.\r\n \r\n 7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.\r\n \r\n 8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.\r\n \r\n 9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.\r\n \r\n10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.\r\n \r\n11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.\r\n \r\n12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.\r\n \r\n13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.\r\n \r\n14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.\r\n \r\n15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.\r\n \r\n16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.\r\n \r\n17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.\r\n \r\n18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.\r\n \r\n19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.\r\n \r\n20. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.\r\n \r\n21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.\r\n \r\n22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.\r\n \r\n23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.\r\n \r\n24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.\r\n \r\n25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.\r\n \r\n26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you\r\n realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7670,
"title": "I've Learned That..."
},
{
"body": "Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?\r\nA: So brunettes can remember them. \r\n\r\nQ: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?\r\nA: You pick it up pull the pin & throw it back. \r\n\r\nQ: What happened to the blonde tap dancer? \r\nA: She slipped off and fell down the drain. \r\n\r\nQ: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? \r\nA: The joystick is wet. \r\n\r\nQ: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?\r\nA: Pick them up off the floor. \r\n\r\nQ: Why don't blonds play frisbee? \r\nA: It hurts their teeth. \r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? \r\nA: Gifted! \r\n\r\nQ: How do blonde braincells die ? \r\nA: Alone. \r\n\r\nQ: Why don't blondes eat bananas? \r\nA: They can't find the zipper. \r\n\r\nQ: How did the blonde try to kill the fish? \r\nA: She tried to drown it. \r\n\r\nQ: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?\r\nA: Not everyone has been in a 747.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7671,
"title": "Q&A"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nYoo who?\r\nNo thanks.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 7674,
"title": "YOO"
},
{
"body": "While at work this man heard a very funny knock-knock joke. He told himself, \"Although my wife is blonde I'm sure she will get this one!\" Upon arriving home that night he proceeded to tell his wife about this joke he had heard. \"Knock-knock,\" he said. She said, \"Hold on honey, let me answer the door.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7676,
"title": "Knock-knock"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's stinks so bad, she puts on Secret and it told on her.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7679,
"title": "Stink"
},
{
"body": "*Famous Sports Quotes*\r\n\r\n\"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.\"\r\n- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann\r\n\r\n\"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.\"\r\n- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh\r\n\r\n\"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle\"\r\n- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach\r\n\r\n\"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.\"\r\n- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker\r\n\r\n\"You guys line up alphabetically by height!\"\r\n- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach\r\n\r\n\"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school.\"\r\n- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements\r\n\r\n\"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class.\"\r\n- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach\r\n\r\n\"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.\"\r\n- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King\r\n\r\n\"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.\"\r\n- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 7680,
"title": "Famous Sports Quotes"
},
{
"body": "Two friends went to the mall to go shopping; one was a brunette and the other was blonde.\r\nAs they were shopping, the blonde suddenly said: \"That girl could pass as my twin.\"\r\nThe brunette starts laughing. The blonde says: \"What is so funny?\" The brunette says, \"That was a mirror.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7682,
"title": "She Could be My Twin"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if when someone says: \"Do you have any duct tape?\" And you say: \"I don't have any ducks on tapes but I've got some on my wall.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 7684,
"title": "You Might Be..."
},
{
"body": "Little johnny was heard praying in a loud voice a week before his birthday. \r\n\"Dear God I pray that I will get a computer game for my birthday!\" \r\n\"Why are you shouting\" asked his mother \"God isn't deaf?!?!?!?!?\"\r\n\"I know said Johnny, but grandma is!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 7687,
"title": "Grandma"
},
{
"body": "yo mama is so fat people run around her for exercize",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7693,
"title": "Exercizing on Your Mama"
},
{
"body": "Can you tell if this lady is blonde?\r\n\r\nAfter placing an order in the drive-thru, the lady came on the speaker and asked: \"Is that for here, or to go?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7696,
"title": "Drive Thru"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, when she was laying on the beach, everyone was screaming, saying \"Look it's Free Willy!!!!''",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7698,
"title": "Ocean Sight"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat, when someone wants to shake her hand she has to give directions!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7701,
"title": "Handshake"
},
{
"body": "A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, \"What are you doing?\" \r\n\r\nShe replies, \"I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old.\" \r\n\r\nThe husband retorts, \"Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?\" \r\n\r\n\r\nShe replied, \"Frankly dear, your name never came up.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 7703,
"title": "50 Year Old A**"
},
{
"body": "George Carlin Speaks Out... \r\n\r\nI Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. \r\nI am George Carlin. \r\n\r\nI like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. \r\nI believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. \r\n\r\nI believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English. \r\nI'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way. \r\nI believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. \r\nI think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer. \r\n\r\nI want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution. \r\n\r\nI believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States. \r\n\r\nI think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened. \r\n\r\nI believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality. \r\n\r\nI believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. \r\nI don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. \r\nI don't use the excuse \"it's for the children\" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. \r\nI think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. \r\nMy heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. \r\nI don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. \r\nI know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. \r\n\r\nI think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter? \r\n\r\nI've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already. \r\n\r\nI think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. \r\n\r\nI think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years. \r\n\r\nI think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again. \r\n\r\nI think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food. \r\nI think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. \r\nI think Dr. Seuss was a genius. \r\nI'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. \r\n\r\nIf that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American. \r\nIf you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know. \r\n\r\nWe need our country back!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7708,
"title": "Im a Bad American"
},
{
"body": "A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied, ''What for? Are you going to set it on fire?''",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7715,
"title": "Match"
},
{
"body": "A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.\r\n\r\nThe interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks \"What do two plus two equal?\"\r\n\r\nThe mathematician replies \"Four.\"\r\n \r\nThe interviewer asks \"Four, exactly?\" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, \"Yes, four, exactly.\"\r\n\r\nThen the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question \"What do two plus two equal?\"\r\n\r\nThe accountant says, \"On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four.\"\r\n\r\nThen the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question \"What do two plus two equal?\"\r\n\r\nThe economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says \"What do you want it to equal?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7720,
"title": "Interview"
},
{
"body": "A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. \r\nIn much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. \r\n\r\nIn this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 7725,
"title": "Beer"
},
{
"body": "Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture. \r\n\r\nI fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7726,
"title": "A Cats Diary"
},
{
"body": "Justification for beer and ice cream! But stay away from the pizza!\r\n\r\nAs we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.\r\n\r\nFor example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.\r\n\r\nAllowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.\r\n\r\nObviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.\r\n\r\nThis process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.\r\n\r\nFrozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.\r\n\r\nUnfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.\r\n\r\nWe could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.\r\n\r\nHappy eating!",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 7730,
"title": "The Beer And Ice Cream Diet"
},
{
"body": "How do blonde brain cells die?\r\nUnused...",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7731,
"title": "Brain Cells"
},
{
"body": "How many stupid blondes does it take to make a circuit? \r\n\r\nTwo - one to stand inside the bath, the other to pass the hair dryer.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7733,
"title": "Circuits of Blonds"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? \r\nA: You only have to punch information into a computer once.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7734,
"title": "Computers and Blonds"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold? \r\nA: No need for them to worry about blowing their brains out.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7735,
"title": "Blowing Up Blonds"
},
{
"body": "When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, \r\nmy big brother Tom took me out on the stoop, \r\nthen he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, \r\nand he told me there was something that I had to know. \r\nHis look and his tone I will always remember, \r\nwhen he told me of the horrors of.... Black November. \r\n\"Come around August, now listen to me, \r\neach day you'll get six meals instead of just three, \r\nand soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, \r\nand you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin. \r\nAnd then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, \r\nin will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head, \r\nThen she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, \r\nand scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink. \r\nAnd then comes the worst part\", he said not bluffing, \r\n\"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing\". \r\nWell, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, \r\nand as I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, \r\nI decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, \r\nI'd have to lay low and remain overlooked. \r\nI began a new diet of nuts and granola, \r\nhigh-roughage salads, juice and diet cola. \r\nAnd as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, \r\nI stayed in my room doing my fitness tapes. \r\nI maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, \r\nand tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed. \r\nBut 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, \r\nas they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. \r\nAnd sure enough when Black November rolled around, \r\nI was the last turkey left in the entire compound. \r\nSo now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap. \r\nI haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. \r\nShe held me today, while sewing and humming, \r\nand smiled at me and said..... \"Christmas is coming...\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7736,
"title": "Turkey Poem"
},
{
"body": "I've often wanted to drown my troubles, \r\nbut i can't get my wife to go swimming!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7738,
"title": "Drown You Troubles"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so nasty I was on the phone with her, and she gave me an ear infection.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7739,
"title": "Yo Momma So Nasty"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's breath is so stank, that they consider it a weapon of mass destruction.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7740,
"title": "Yo Momma's Stank Breath"
},
{
"body": "Few women admit their age, Few men act theirs.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7741,
"title": "Age"
},
{
"body": "Never test the depth of water with both feet.\r\n\r\nDon't take candy from strangers, unless they offer you a ride.\r\n\r\nI'll start exercising as soon as i get into shape.\r\n\r\nIf you have something to say, raise your hand and put it over your mouth.\r\n\r\nMaybe you should go to e-bay and buy a clue.\r\n\r\nEarth is full. go home.\r\n\r\nGee, I'd like to care, but I wasn't given that gene.\r\n\r\nMirrors don't lie, and lucky for you, they can't laugh either. (i like this one)\r\n\r\nIf you can't laugh at yourself, at least let me do it.\r\n\r\nI don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works.\r\n\r\nMen are from Mars, Women are from Visa. (ok that was kind'a dumb)\r\n\r\nI used to have super powers but my therapist took them away.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7742,
"title": "Some Of My Favorite One-Liners"
},
{
"body": "What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?\r\n\r\nA love call.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 7745,
"title": "Gay Bar"
},
{
"body": "Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?\r\nA. By the ears. (Lick her)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7747,
"title": "Lick Her"
},
{
"body": "Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?\r\nA. No ball room",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7748,
"title": "Ball Room"
},
{
"body": "Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?\r\nA. I feel like a kid again!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7750,
"title": "Kids"
},
{
"body": "Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?\r\nA. The Captain's dinghy!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7752,
"title": "Crabs"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings him his meal. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, exclaiming, \"Waitress! There's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what's going on!\"\r\n\r\nSo, the waitress takes him back to the kitchen where the cook is, and to the man's demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. The distraught customer says, \"That's disgusting!\"\r\n\r\nThen the waitress says, \"You think that's disgusting? You should see him make donuts.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 7755,
"title": "Making Patties"
},
{
"body": "A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, \"I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me.\" so the woman replies, \"If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7757,
"title": "Room 113"
},
{
"body": "A patient was waiting for some results from his doctor. When the doctor arrives he says, \r\n\"I have some good news and some bad news which do you want first.\"\r\nThe patient says, \"Give me the bad news first!\"\r\nDoctor replies, \"You've got AIDS.\"\r\n\"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?\" asks the patient.\r\n\"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease.\"\r\nLooking relieved the patient says, \"Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 7760,
"title": "Alzheimer's"
},
{
"body": "A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a MCSE (Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer) were out driving, when their car broke down, and they couldn't get it started. \r\nThe mechanical engineer suggested that it was a failure somewhere in the drive train, but after checking it out he found that the engine and transmission were fine. \r\nThe electrical engineer thought it might be the ignition system; lifted the hood, checked for a spark, and found that everything was OK. \r\nThe MCSE was driving, and suddenly gets out of the car, slams the door, opens the hood and looks inside, slams that, gets back into the car, opens and closes all the windows and looks at his passengers and says, \"There, it should start right up now...\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 7765,
"title": "Windows"
},
{
"body": "Man: How many asian people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nAsian Man: Whats a lightbulb?",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 7768,
"title": "Two Men"
},
{
"body": "A blonde goes to the store and gets a box of almonds. As she is allergic to nuts, she asks a clerk at the counter, \"Does this contain nut ingredients?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7770,
"title": "Going Nuts"
},
{
"body": "A blond goes into a pizza shop for a snack. She orders, \"May I have a veggie pizza slice with all the works?\"\r\n\r\nThe worker says, \"That would be our combo pizza.\"\r\n\r\nThe blond says, \"No, thanks. I'll stay with the veggie slice.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7771,
"title": "Veggie Pizza"
},
{
"body": "Bob and Joe, a couple of personal injury lawyers, were discussing conditions in the legal profession. \"How's business?\" asked Bob. \r\n\"Absolutely rotten!\" responded Joe. \"How have you been doing?\" \"Even worse,\" Bob replied. \"I just chased an ambulance twelve miles and found a LAWYER inside it.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 7772,
"title": "A Lawer in a Ambulance!"
},
{
"body": "Acme Rope, Inc. -\r\nKnot your ordinary company.\r\n\r\nAcme Mine Shafts -\r\nDrop in any time\r\n\r\nAcme Lollipops -\r\nOne lick and you'll stick with us.\r\n\r\nAcme Light Company -\r\nWe have lots of bright ideas.\r\n\r\nAcme Clown Make-up -\r\nLet us put a smile on your face.\r\n\r\nAcme Perfume Corp. -\r\nWe love it when business stinks.\r\n\r\nAcme Air Conditioning -\r\nWe show people how to chill out.\r\n\r\nAcme Toy Company -\r\nOur work is kids' play.\r\n\r\nAcme Perfume Company -\r\nOur work is all dollars and scents.\r\n\r\nAcme Almond Company -\r\nWe're nuts!\r\n\r\nAcme Sheep Farm -\r\nOur mind is on ewe. \r\n\r\nAcme Calculators -\r\nWe help you solve your problems.\r\n\r\nAcme Flower Bulbs -\r\nWe root for you.\r\n\r\nAcme Psychologists -\r\nVisit us and you won't go away mad!\r\n\r\nAcme Poultry Management -\r\nLet us count your chickens before they hatch.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7774,
"title": "Acme Companies"
},
{
"body": "ACURA\r\nAnother Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile \r\nAsia's Curse Upon Rural America\r\n\r\nAMC \r\nAll Makes Combined \r\nA Major Cost \r\nA Mutated Car \r\nA Morons Car \r\nAnother Major Catastrophe\r\n\r\nAUDI \r\nAwfully Unsafe Designs Implemented \r\nAccelerates Under Demonic Influence \r\nAutomobile Under Demonic Influence \r\nAnother Ugly Deutsche Invention \r\nAlways Undermining Deutsche Intelligence \r\nAutomobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.\r\n\r\nBMW \r\nBig Money Works \r\nBought My Wife \r\nBrutal Money Waster \r\nBreak My Window \r\nBreak My Windshield \r\nBabbling Mechanical Wench \r\nBeastly Monstrous Wonder \r\nBeautiful Masterpieces on Wheels \r\nBeautiful Mechanical Wonder \r\nBarely Moving Wreck \r\nBig Money Waste \r\nBig Money. Why? \r\nBig Money Works \r\nBorn Moderately Wealthy \r\nBreaks Most Wrenches \r\nBring More Wrenches \r\nBrings Me Women \r\nBrings More Women \r\nBroken Money Waster \r\nBroke My Wallet \r\nBroken Monstrous Wonder \r\nBumbling Mechanical Wretch \r\nBlasphemous Motorized Wreck\r\n\r\nBUICK\r\nBig Ugly Indestructible Car Killer \r\nBig Ugly Imitation Chrome King\r\n\r\nCHEVROLET\r\nCan Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips \r\nCheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time \r\nCracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time \r\nConstantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques\r\n\r\nDODGE\r\nDrips Oil & Drops Grease Everywhere \r\nDamn Old Dirty Gas Eater \r\nDead Old Dog Going East \r\nDead On Day Guarantee Expires \r\nDead On Delivery, Go Easy \r\nDead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired \r\nDead Or Dying Garbage Emitter \r\nDear Old Dads Garage Experiment\r\nDaily Overhauls Do Get Expensive\r\n\r\nEDSEL\r\nEvery Day Something Else Leaks\r\n\r\nFIAT\r\nFailed Italian Automotive Technology \r\nFix It Again, Tony! \r\nFeeble Italian Attempt at Transportation\r\n\r\nFORD\r\nFrigin' Old Rebuilt Dodge \r\nFix Or Repair Daily \r\nFound On Road Dead \r\nFast Only Rolling Downhill \r\nFirst On Race Day \r\nFirst On Recall Day \r\nFabricated Of Refried Dung \r\nFails On Rainy Days \r\nFantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream \r\nFatally Obese Redneck Driver \r\nFault Of R&D \r\nFinally Obsolete Racing Device \r\nFireball On Rear Denting \r\nFirst On Road to Dump \r\nFirst On Rust and Deterioration \r\nFix Or Recycle Dilemma \r\nFlipping Over Results in Death \r\nFlipped Over Roadside Disaster \r\nFollow Our Rusty Dogsled \r\nFoot On Road Decelerates \r\nForced On Reluctant Drivers \r\nFormed Of Rejected DNA \r\nForwarded Once; Return Denied \r\nForward Only; Reverse Defective \r\nForlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin \r\nFork Over Repair Dough \r\nFouled Out Re-done Dodge \r\nFrequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration \r\nFree Or Reduced Drastically \r\nFrequent Opinion Really Disappointed \r\nFumes and Odors Readily Detectable \r\nFunny Old Rattling Dump \r\n(backwards) Driver Returns On Foot\r\n\r\nGEO\r\nGood Engineering Overlooked\r\n\r\nGM \r\nGeneral Maintenance \r\nGreat Mistake \r\nGarbage Motors \r\nGenerally Miserable \r\nGrossly Misconceived \r\nGluteus Maximus\r\n\r\nGMC\r\nGarage Man's Companion \r\nGotta Mechanic Coming? \r\nGenerally Mediocre Cars \r\nGet More Chicks \r\nGets Mechanics Crazy \r\nGods Mechanical Curse \r\nGot More Crap \r\nGreat Mountain Climber \r\nGreat Motor Car\r\n\r\nGTO \r\nGas, Tires, Oil\r\n\r\nHONDA\r\nHad One Never Did Again \r\nHang On, Not Done Accelerating \r\nHallmark Of Non-Descript Automobiles \r\nHallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles\r\nHYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...\r\n\r\nJEEP \r\nJust Eats Every Part \r\nJunk Engineering Executed Poorly\r\nJust Empty Every Pocket\r\n\r\nMAZDA\r\nMost Always Zipping Dangerously Along \r\n\r\nMG\r\nMoney Guzzler \r\n\r\nMGB\r\nMight Go Backwards \r\n\r\nMGF\r\nMight Go Forward \r\n\r\nMIATA\r\nMy Intention Always To Accelerate\r\n\r\nMOPAR\r\nMany Odd Parts Arranged Randomly \r\nMiscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously \r\nMost Often Passed At Races \r\nMostly Old Parts And Rust \r\nMove Over People Are Racing \r\nMove Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly \r\nMy Old Pig Ain't Running \r\nMy Only Problems Are Repairs\r\n\r\nMUSTANG\r\nMotor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good\r\n\r\nOLDSMOBILE\r\nOverpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment\r\nold ladies driving slowly making other behind insanely late everyday\r\n\r\nPINTO\r\nPut In Nickel To Operate \r\nPaid Inspector Nicely To Overlook\r\n\r\nPLYMOUTH\r\nPlease Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood\r\n\r\nPORSCHE\r\nProof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything\r\n\r\nSAAB\r\nSend Another Automobile Back \r\nSwedish Automobiles Always Breakdown \r\nSad Attempt At Beauty \r\nSorry Auto, Always Broken \r\nShape Appears Ass-Backwards\r\n\r\nSUBARU\r\nScrewed Up Beyond All Repair Usually\r\n\r\nTOYOTA\r\nToo Often Yankees Overprice This Auto \r\nTorturous On Your Old Tired Ass \r\nThe One You Ought To Avoid\r\n\r\nTRIUMPH \r\nThis Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help! \r\nTried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!\r\n\r\nVOLVO\r\nVery Odd Looking Vehicular Object\r\n\r\nVW\r\nVirtually Worthless",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7775,
"title": "Car Acronyms"
},
{
"body": "Photographing a new puppy isn't as easy as it may first sound...\r\n\r\nRemove film from box and load camera. \r\n\r\nRemove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash. \r\n\r\nRemove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle. \r\n\r\nChoose a suitable background for photo. \r\n\r\nMount camera on tripod and focus. \r\n\r\nFind puppy and take dirty sock from mouth. \r\n\r\nPlace puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera. \r\n\r\nForget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees. \r\n\r\nFocus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand. \r\n\r\nGet tissue and clean nose print from lens. \r\n\r\nTake flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash. \r\n\r\nPut cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose. \r\n\r\nPut magazines back on coffee table. \r\n\r\nTry to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head. \r\n\r\nReplace your glasses and check camera for damage. \r\n\r\nJump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, \"No, outside! No, outside!\" \r\n\r\nCall spouse to clean up mess. \r\n\r\nFix a drink. \r\n\r\nSit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy \"sit\" and \"stay\" the first thing in the morning.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7776,
"title": "Puppy Photos"
},
{
"body": "The Cynic's Guide to Life\r\n\r\nThe journey of a thousand miles begins with a squeaking fan belt and a leaky tire.\r\n\r\nI believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...\r\n\r\nFollow your dream. Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.\r\n\r\nAlways take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.\r\n\r\nDo not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.\r\n\r\nIf you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.\r\n\r\nIf a motorists cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothings gets the message across like a good mooning.\r\n\r\nWhen I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.\r\n\r\nIt's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.\r\n\r\nEach day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bon bon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the 'thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge' group.\r\n\r\nJust remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car.\r\n\r\nWhen you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.\r\n\r\nThis morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.\r\n\r\nLove is like a roller coaster. If you like it, you don't want to get off, and when you don't... you can't wait to throw up.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7777,
"title": "Cynic's Guide to Life"
},
{
"body": "The only concept they understand is \"mine\".",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 7780,
"title": "Why Lawyers are Like Little Kids"
},
{
"body": "A man stepped onto the overnight train and told the conductor, \"I need you to wake me up in Philadelphia. I'm a deep sleeper and can be ornery when I get up, but no matter what, I want you to help me make that stop. Here's $100 to make sure.\"\r\n\r\nThe conductor agreed. The man fell asleep, and when he awoke he heard the announcement that the train was approaching New York. Furious, he collared the conductor. \"I gave you $100 to make sure I got off in Philadelphia, you worthless fool!\"\r\n\r\n\"Wow,\" another passenger said to his traveling companion. \"Is that guy ever mad!\"\r\n\"Yeah,\" his companion replied. \"But not half as mad as that guy they forced off the train in Philadelphia.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7785,
"title": "Deep Sleeper"
},
{
"body": "A blonde lady goes into an auto parts store and asks for a seven-ten cap. \r\n\r\nAll the clerks look at each other, and one says, \"What's a seven-ten cap?\" \r\n\r\nShe says, \"You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost and some how and I need a new one.\" \r\n\r\n\"What kind of a car is it on?\" the clerk asked. \r\n\r\n\"My 1999 Chevrolet.\" \r\n\r\n\"Okay lady, how big is it?\" \r\n\r\nShe makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. \r\n\r\nThe clerk asks, \"What does it do?\" \r\n\r\n\"I don't know, but its always been there.\" \r\n\r\nBy now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. The customer carefully draws a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. In the center she writes \"710.\" \r\n\r\nThe guys behind the counter, who are looking at the drawing upside down, can barely control their laughter as the boss walks to a shelf, grabs an OIL cap and puts in on the counter. \r\n\r\n\"That's it!\" the lady says. \"How much?\" \r\n\r\n\"It's on the house,\" the manager replied. \"Please come back often. You have no idea how entertaining it was waiting on you.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7786,
"title": "The Seven-Ten Cap"
},
{
"body": "As is known, there is a large leper colony in Hawaii. To help ease the pain the patients have while there, a hockey rink was built to provide them entertainment. Only problem was that only one game ever got played on the rink. Within two minutes of game time, there was a face off in the corner.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 7787,
"title": "Hawaii Hockey"
},
{
"body": "How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA: 8 men, One to get off the couch, One to find a lightbulb, One to find a ladder, One to screw it in, One to shock himself and shock everyone around, One to call a docter, One to find out that it wasn't out, the switch was off, and finally, one to sit back in laugh!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 7788,
"title": "8 Men"
},
{
"body": "-Overheard by a professor in the halls a few weeks after the semester starts-\r\n\r\nMale student to another male student-\r\n\r\n\"Yeah, I signed up for a women's studies course. It wasn't what I expected it to be.\"\r\n\r\n\"Really? Why is that?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, it involves all this reading about ancient goddesses, and about female empowerment. I thought the class would be a little more...hands on.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 7789,
"title": "What was That?"
},
{
"body": "BE SURE THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM.\r\n\r\nOne fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. \r\n\r\nAt the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, \"Big John doesn't pay!\" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.\r\n\r\nThe next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a showoff refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleepo ver the way Big John was taking advantage of him.\r\n\r\nFinally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong & invested a lot of money as well ; what's more, he felt really good about himself.\r\n\r\nSo on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said,\" Big John doesn't pay!,\" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, \"And why not?\" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, \r\n\"Big John has a bus pass !\"\r\n\r\nMoral of the story:-- Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7794,
"title": "Be Sure That There Is a Problem"
},
{
"body": "Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.\r\n\r\nOne afternoon, the pastor came to call on her, and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.\r\n\r\nAs he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!\r\n\r\nWhen she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.\r\n\r\n\"Miss Bea,\" he said, \"I wonder if you would tell me about this?\" pointing to the bowl.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, yes,\" she replied, \"isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago, and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease.\"\r\n\r\n\"And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 7797,
"title": "Stay Healthy"
},
{
"body": "Why did the squirrel go to the acorn shop?\r\n\r\nHe broke his nuts on something!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7798,
"title": "Squirrel"
},
{
"body": "laugh and the whole world laughs with you,\r\ncry and some-one will hear you,\r\nbut fart and you're on your own!!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7800,
"title": "With You"
},
{
"body": "The squirrel's eyes widened as he tried to move but froze when he realized........\r\n\r\nHe'd buried the wrong nuts!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7801,
"title": "Horror"
},
{
"body": "One day, in the mental institute, a doctor visited one of his new patients. \r\n\r\n\"How are you today?\" he asked, when he saw his patient.\r\n\r\n\"Oh. I'm fine thank you very much. How about you?\" replied the patient.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, I'm fine,\" answered the doctor, while thinking if he should let this patient go seeing as how he was polite and all. \"So, did you sleep alright last night?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, heavens no. The mosquitoes were such a bother, I got so angry that I put up a mosquito net around the bed but I climbed under the bed. HA! They can bite whatever they want inside the net, but I'll be safe and sound under the bed,\" answered the patient with an air of dignity.\r\n\r\n\"Never mind.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7802,
"title": "Mental Institute"
},
{
"body": "There was this guy in the mental institute who was taking his medicine that the nurse gave him.\r\n\r\nThe same nurse was walking past his room and saw him shaking very vigorously.\r\n\r\nIntrigued, the nurse asked,\"Dear patient, why are you shaking? Are you cold?\"\r\n\r\nStill shaking, the patient replied, \"No, my dear nurse, the bottle of medicine you gave me said 'shake before drinking' but I forgot to shake!\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh dear.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7803,
"title": "Mental Institute #2"
},
{
"body": "What's gray, has four legs, and a trunk?\r\n\r\nA mouse on vacation.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7804,
"title": "What's Gray, Has Four Legs, and a Trunk?"
},
{
"body": "1. Think of a number.\r\n\r\n\r\n 2. Multiply it by 3.\r\n\r\n\r\n 3. Now add 5.\r\n\r\n\r\n 4. Take away the number you first thought of.\r\n\r\n\r\n 5. Now add 7.\r\n\r\n\r\n 6. Subtract 2.\r\n\r\n\r\n 7. Add back the number you first thought of.\r\n\r\n\r\n 8. Now, close your eyes.\r\n>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n>\r\n \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nDark, isn't it? :-)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7805,
"title": "Numbers"
},
{
"body": "I'm trying computer dating, at least I'm not getting dumped... but I do get deleted.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7806,
"title": "Dating"
},
{
"body": "A bloke and his wife went to a family planning clinic.\r\n\r\n\"We've been married for ten years and we've got no kids\", said the husband. \"And the next-door neighbors say it's because we're stupid.\"\r\n\r\n\"Nonsense,\" smiled the doctor. \"It's probably to do with your diet. Or it might be a question of timing. How many times a week do you do it?\"\r\n\r\n\"Do what?\" asked the wife.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7807,
"title": "Stupid"
},
{
"body": "if stealing kids is kidnapping,is stealing adults oldnapping?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7808,
"title": "Kid Vs. Old"
},
{
"body": "Where does a Dog go when he loses his tail?\r\n\r\nAnswer:\r\n\r\nA retailer",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7809,
"title": "Dogs Tail"
},
{
"body": "Why do snakes always lose in court? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnswer:\r\n\r\n\r\nThey don't have a leg to stand on!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7811,
"title": "Snakes in Court"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear the one about the gay midget?\r\n\r\nHe came out of the cupboard.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7812,
"title": "Gay Midget"
},
{
"body": "Why is it better to be killed by a shark than by a lawyer?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnswer: \r\n\r\nThe shark would be brief.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7813,
"title": "Fishey Fritters"
},
{
"body": "While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a cow and began a conversation. \r\n\r\nCowboy: \"Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?\" \r\n\r\nIndian: \"Dog no talk.\" \r\n\r\nCowboy: \"Hey dog, how's it going?\" \r\n\r\nDog: \"Doin' alright.\" \r\n\r\nThe Indian looked shocked. \r\n\r\nCowboy: \"Is this Indian your owner?\" pointing at the Indian. \r\n\r\nDog: \"Yep\" \r\n\r\nCowboy: \"How does he treat you?\" \r\n\r\nDog: \"Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.\" \r\n\r\nThe Indian looks even more shocked. \r\n\r\nCowboy: \"Mind if I talk to your horse?\" \r\n\r\nIndian: \"Horse no talk.\" \r\n\r\nCowboy: \"Hey horse, how's it going?\" \r\n\r\nHorse: \"Cool.\" \r\n\r\nThe Indian looks extremely shocked. \r\n\r\nCowboy: \"Is this your owner? \" pointing at Indian \r\n\r\nHorse: \"Yep\" \r\n\r\nCowboy: \"How's he treat you?\" \r\n\r\nHorse: \"Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.\"\r\n\r\nThe Indian looks totally and utterly amazed.\r\n\r\nCowboy: \"Mind if I talk to your cow?\" \r\n\r\nIndian: \"Cow liar.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7815,
"title": "Cowboy Story"
},
{
"body": "A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and Elmo. Still, a job's a job, he thought.\r\n\r\nAs he went about his route, he stopped and picked up twin girls. These girls were rather portly, and as they entered the bus the first one said, \"My name's Patty.\" The man asked the second twin her name and she said, \"My name's Patty also.\"\r\n\r\nFurther along, there was a boy who was trying to put on a James Dean-esque cool image. As he got on the bus, he said, \"Yo! I'm Leonard T.\" He sat in the seat right behind the driver, so the driver could see him in his mirror.\r\n\r\nThey were almost back to the school, and made one last stop. The kid who got on announced, \"I'm Ross... and I'm special.\"\r\n\r\nAs they made their way back to the school, the driver noticed to his disgust that the kid sitting right behing him had removed one shoe to reveal a horrible case of bunions, which he was picking at.\r\n\r\nAs soon as they got to school, the man went to the principal's office, threw down the bus keys on his desk, and announced he was quitting. \"Is something wrong?\" asked the principal?\r\n\r\n\"I can't take this!\" yelled the man. \"I've got two all beef Pattys, special Ross, Leonard T. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7816,
"title": "Bus Driver"
},
{
"body": "Two men are driving through New York when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.\r\nThe driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. \r\n\r\nThe driver asks, \"What the hell was that for?\"\r\n\r\nThe cop answers, \"You're in New York son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.\"\r\n\r\nThe driver says, \"I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here.\"\r\n\r\nThe cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.\r\n\r\nThe passenger asks, \"What'd you do that for?\"\r\n\r\nThe cop says, \"Just making your wish come true.\"\r\n\r\nThe passenger asks, \"Making what wish come true?\"\r\n\r\nThe cop says, \"I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7817,
"title": "NYPD"
},
{
"body": "How many internet group posters does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\n\r\n1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed\r\n\r\n14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light\r\nbulb could have been changed differently\r\n\r\n7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs\r\n\r\n27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs\r\n\r\n53 to flame the spell checkers\r\n\r\n41 to correct spelling/grammar flames\r\n\r\n6 to argue over whether it's \"lightbulb\" or \"light bulb\" ... another 6 to\r\ncondemn those 6 as anal-retentive\r\n\r\n2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is \"lamp\"\r\n\r\n15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that \"light\r\nbulb\" is perfectly correct\r\n\r\n156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation\r\nof their \"acceptable use policy\"\r\n\r\n109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take\r\nthis discussion to a lightbulb group\r\n\r\n203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and\r\nlightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped\r\n\r\n111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs\r\nand therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group\r\n\r\n306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to\r\nbuy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this\r\ntechnique and what brands are faulty\r\n\r\n27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs\r\n\r\n14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the\r\ncorrected URL's\r\n\r\n3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this\r\ngroup which makes light bulbs relevant to this group\r\n\r\n33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all\r\nheaders and signatures, and add \"Me too\"\r\n\r\n12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot\r\nhandle the light bulb controversy\r\n\r\n19 to quote the \"Me too's\" to say \"Me three\"\r\n\r\n4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ\r\n\r\n44 to ask what is a \"FAQ\"\r\n\r\n4 to say \"didn't we go through this already a short time ago?\"\r\n\r\n143 to say \"do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions\r\nabout light bulbs\"\r\n\r\n1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start\r\nit all over again....",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 7818,
"title": "Internet Group Posters"
},
{
"body": "I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger readers, but when my generation was your age, we did some pretty stupid things. I'm talking about taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right from the tap. We used aspirin bottles that you could actually open with your bare hands. We bought appliances that were not festooned with helpful safety warnings such as \"DO NOT BATHE WITH THIS TOASTER\".\r\n\r\nBut for sheer insanity, the wildest thing we did was -- prepare to be shocked -- we deliberately ingested carbohydrates.\r\n\r\nI know, I know. It was wrong. But we were young and foolish, and there was a lot of peer pressure. You'd be at a party, and there would be a lava lamp blooping away, and a Jimi Hendrix record playing (a \"record\" was a primitive compact disc that operated by static electricity). And then, when the mood was right, somebody would say: \"You wanna do some 'drates?\" And the next thing you know, there'd be a bowl of pretzels going around, or crackers, or even potato chips, and we'd put these things into our mouths and just ... EAT them.\r\n\r\nI'm not proud of this. My only excuse was that we were ignorant. It's not like now, when everybody knows how bad carbohydrates are, and virtually every product is advertised as being \"low-carb\", including beer, denture adhesives, floor wax, tires, life insurance and Viagra. Back then, we had no idea. Nobody did! Our own MOTHERS gave us bread!\r\n\r\nToday, of course, nobody eats bread. People are terrified of all carbohydrates, as evidenced by the recent mass robbery at a midtown Manhattan restaurant, where 87 patrons turned their wallets over to a man armed only with a strand of No. 8 spaghetti. (\"Do what he says! He has pasta!\") The city of Beverly Hills has been evacuated twice this month because of reports -- false, thank heavens -- that terrorists had put a bagel in the water supply.\r\n\r\nBut as I say, in the old days we didn't recognize the danger of carbohydrates. We believed that the reason you got fat was from eating \"calories\", which are tiny units of measurement that cause food to taste good. When we wanted to lose weight, we went on low-calorie diets in which we ate only inedible foods such as celery, which is actually a building material, and grapefruit, which is nutritious, but offers the same level of culinary satisfaction as chewing on an Odor Eater.\r\n\r\nThe problem with the low-calorie diet was that a normal human could stick to it for, at most, four hours, at which point he or she would have no biological choice but to sneak out to the garage and snork down an entire bag of Snickers, sometimes without removing the wrappers. So nobody lost weight, and everybody felt guilty all the time. Many people, in desperation, turned to disco.\r\n\r\nBut then along came the bold food pioneer who invented the Atkins Diet: Dr. Something Atkins. After decades of research on nutrition and weight gain -- including the now-famous Hostess Ding Dong Diet Experiment, which resulted in a laboratory rat the size of a Plymouth Voyager -- Dr. Atkins discovered an amazing thing: Calories don't matter! What matter are carbohydrates, which result when a carbo molecule and a hydrate molecule collide at high speeds and form tiny invisible doughnuts.\r\n\r\nDr. Atkins' discovery meant that -- incredible though it seemed -- as long as you avoided carbohydrates, you could, without guilt, eat high-fat, high-calorie foods such as cheese, bacon, lard, pork rinds and whale. You could eat an entire pig, as long as the pig had not recently been exposed to bread.\r\n\r\nAt first, like other groundbreaking pioneers such as Galileo and Eminem, Dr. Atkins met with skepticism, even hostility. The low-calorie foods industry went after him big time. The Celery Growers Association hired a detective to -- yes -- stalk him. His car tires were repeatedly slashed by what police determined to be shards of Melba toast.\r\n\r\nBut Dr. Atkins persisted, because he had a dream -- a dream that, some day, he would help the human race by selling it 427 million diet books. And he did, achieving vindication for his diet before his tragic demise in an incident that the autopsy report listed as \"totally unrelated to the undigested 28-pound bacon cheeseburger found in his stomach\".\r\n\r\nBut the Atkins Diet lives on, helping millions of Americans to lose weight. The irony is, you can't tell this by looking at actual Americans, who have, as a group, become so heavy that North America will soon be underwater as far inland as Denver. Which can only mean one thing: You people are still sneaking Snickers. You should be ashamed of yourselves! Got any more?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7819,
"title": "Confessions of a Closet Carb Fiend"
},
{
"body": "The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, \"So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?\"\r\n\r\nThe Lone Ranger responds, \"I'd like to speak to my horse.\" Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.\r\n\r\nLater that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.\r\n\r\nThe next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. \"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?\"\r\n\r\nThe Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.\r\n\r\nLater that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.\r\n\r\nThe following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. \"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?\"\r\n\r\nThe Lone Ranger responds, \"I'd like to speak to my horse. Alone!\"\r\n\r\nThe Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears looks him square in the eyes and says, \"Listen carefully. For the last time, I said ... BRING POSSE!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7820,
"title": "Posse"
},
{
"body": "While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly a female Genie arose from the bottle and with a smile said: \"Master, may I grant you one wish?\"\r\n\r\n\"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything\", barked Bin Laden.\r\n\r\nThe shocked genie said, \"Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.\"\r\n\r\nOsama thought a moment, grumbling about the impertinence of the woman, and said, \"Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning; so just grant it and be off with you!\"\r\n\r\nThe annoyed genie said, \"So be it!\" and disappeared.\r\n\r\nThe next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.\r\n\r\nHis penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7821,
"title": "One Wish"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so fat that when she went to school she had to sit next to everybody.\r\n\r\nYo Momma so fat, her belt size is Equator.\r\n\r\nYo Momma so fat, this guy was having sex with her, then rolled over twice and was still on her.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7824,
"title": "Sooooooooooooooo Fat"
},
{
"body": "A gay couple (of guys) and a lesbian couple decide to leave from New York to Miami at the same time. The two couples are neighbors and they plan on driving the same route. so the question is who gets to Miami first? \r\n\r\nWhy the lesbians of course! \r\nThey go lickety split while the guys are still at home packin'.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7825,
"title": "Who's First?"
},
{
"body": "A woman goes into Wal- Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the cash register . A Wal - Mart associate is standing there with dark shades on.\r\n\r\nShe says,\" Excuse me , sir , can you tell me any thing about this rod and reel?\"\r\n\r\nHe says, \"Ma'am, I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everthing about it from the sound it makes.\"\r\n\r\nShe doesn't believe him , but drops it on the counter anyway.\r\n\r\nHe says, \"The rod and reel is $20.\"\r\n\r\nShe says,\" That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it.\"\r\n\r\nHe walks behind the counter to the register. Just then, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her; being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.\r\n\r\nHe rings up the sale and says,\"That will be $25.50.\"\r\n\r\n\"But didn't you say it was $20.00?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes , ma'am. The rod and reel is $ 20.00,\r\n the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7827,
"title": "Always Wal- Mart"
},
{
"body": "One day, 2 blondes walked into a tanning salon. One blonde said, \"A tan for 2 please!\"\r\n\r\nThe cashier said, \"Ok,\" filled out a form for them and asked, \"are you two sisters?\" \r\n\r\nThey chuckled and replied, \"No, we aren't even Catholic.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7828,
"title": "Baking Blondes"
},
{
"body": "\"Do you know that your dog bit my mother-in-law yesterday?\"\r\n \"Is that so? Well, I suppose you'll sue me for damages?\" \r\n \"Not at all. What'll you take for the dog?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7837,
"title": "I'll Take the Dog Instead"
},
{
"body": "An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. \r\n\r\n\"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?\" demanded the Grand Emir. \r\n\r\n\"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,\" stammered the wretched Abdul. \"White man sit on well.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7838,
"title": "Diplomat Wants Water"
},
{
"body": "Women as Explained by Engineers\r\n\r\nFinally- an explanation of Woman that makes sense to a man!\r\n\r\nElement: Woman\r\nDiscoverer: Adam\r\nAtomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg, to 225 kg.\r\n\r\nPhysical properties\r\n___________________\r\n\r\nBody surface normally covered with a film of powder and paint.\r\n\r\nBoils at absolutely nothing-freezes for no apparent reason.\r\n\r\nFound in various grades, ranging from virgin material, to common ore.\r\n\r\nChemical properties\r\n____________________\r\n\r\nReacts well to gold, platinum, and all precious stones.\r\n\r\nExplodes spontaneously without reason or warning.\r\n\r\nThe most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.\r\n\r\nCommon Use\r\n__________________\r\n\r\nHighly ornamental, especially in sports cars.\r\n\r\nCan greatly aid relaxation.\r\n\r\nCan be a very effective cleaning agent.\r\n\r\nHazards\r\n__________________\r\n\r\nTurns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.\r\n\r\nPossession of more than one is possible, but specimens must never make eye contact!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7839,
"title": "Women As Explained By Engineers"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so fat, her nickname is \"Damn.\" \r\n\r\nYo mama's so big, when she stands up the sun goes out. \r\n\r\nYo mama's so dirty, the US Government uses her bath water for chemical weapons\r\n\r\nYo mama' so hairy, when she goes to the circus the bearded lady protests against non-union workers. \r\n\r\nYo mama's so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7842,
"title": "Your Momma So Fat ,big Dirty and Hairy"
},
{
"body": "At the beginning of term, we were supposed to portray what we learned during holidays by acting in a play for the school. Here I was known as the best actress in class so I was given the role of a secondary student who goes out with a rich man's reckless son.\r\n\r\nDuring the rehearsals, everything went perfect until the real day on stage.\r\n\r\nActing pregnant with clothes stuffed in my dress, I begged the rich man's son not to leave me in such a condition when suddenly my BABY fell out of the TUMMY... \r\n\r\nI was so embarrassed as the whole school burst out laughing hysterically. But with talent, I knelt down n cried that silence fell upon their heads thinking it was part of the play...\r\n\r\nI was still voted the best.",
"category": "College",
"id": 7844,
"title": "Actress of the Day"
},
{
"body": "A handsome gentleman gets in an accident and finds himself in hospital soon after recovering. Shocked, he asks the nurse how he got there and if he has all his body parts on. \"You only lost your arms, sir, but you will be ok,\" was her reply. \r\n\r\nVery disappointed that he had lost part of his life, he decides to throw himself over the hospital on the last block but as he is about to do that, he notices someone on the street in the same situation, but he was dancing vigorously. He decides to find out how he keeps happy in such a situation.\r\n\r\n\"Buddy, tell me what is your secret to happiness,\" he said.\r\n\"You've got no idea what it takes to scatch myself. My chest is itchy.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 7845,
"title": "SUICIDAL DANCE"
},
{
"body": "Jason showed his buddy the beautiful diamond ring he had bought his girlfriend for her birthday. \"I thought she wanted a four-wheel-drive vehicle,\" ventured his friend.\r\n\r\n\"She did,\" Jason said. \"But where am I going to find a fake Jeep?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7850,
"title": "Diamond Ring"
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken cross the road?\r\n\r\nWhy do you care?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7851,
"title": "More Chickens"
},
{
"body": "Roses are red,\r\nViolets are blue,\r\nI copied your test and I flunked too!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7854,
"title": "Roses"
},
{
"body": "I like to sleep, and stay in bed,\r\nall because you cracked a hammer on my head.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7855,
"title": "Poem"
},
{
"body": "Did you know that if you fart in church you have to sit in your own pew?",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7857,
"title": "Church Gasser"
},
{
"body": "I had a dream that I went to heaven. I was checking in at that gate with the last three presidents of the United States. I watched as George Sr., Bill Clinton, and George Jr. all walked through a bright door with an angel as an escort. I then gave Peter my name at the gate. He checked his book and said \"I'm sorry you missed it by an inch, but there is a way to get into heaven if you walk around with an ugly girl for 100 years.\" \r\n\r\nI was confused and started complaining that this was not the way heaven was supposed to work. Peter took me to a window next to the bright door where I saw men and women walking around with ugly people as their penance. I became curious about the Presidents before me and asked about George Sr. Peter informed me that he missed it by an inch. He then pointed in the window as I saw George Sr. walking with some really ugly woman. \r\nI then asked about his son, George Jr. Peter said that he had missed it by an inch. Sure enough, I looked in the window and saw our President walking with what I guess was a woman (it was hard to tell). \r\nAs I was looking, I saw Bill Clinton walking with Britney Spears. I exclaimed to Peter that it was not fair. I asked what about Bill Clinton. Peter looked in his book and said that he could not find his name. Then I said what about Britney Spears. Peter looked in his book and said \"she missed it by an inch.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 7858,
"title": "Missed it By an Inch"
},
{
"body": "What did Spock find in the toilet?\r\n\r\n\r\nThe captain's log.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7859,
"title": "Star Trek"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the two peanuts who got mugged on their walk down the street?\r\n\r\n\r\nThey were assaulted",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7860,
"title": "PEANUTS"
},
{
"body": "Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of\r\nsome of the lessor known ones...\r\n\r\nThe grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ........ U. Gogh\r\n\r\nThe brother who bleached all his clothes white .. Hue Gogh\r\n\r\nThe cousin who was a blues musician- Indi-Gogh\r\n\r\nThe fruity brother- Man-Gogh\r\n\r\nThe sister who wore a mini skirt to dance in bars ... Go Gogh\r\n\r\nThe real obnoxious brother .......... Please Gogh\r\n\r\nThe brother who ate prunes ............ Gotta Gogh\r\n\r\nThe uncle who worked at a convenience store ....... Stop N Gogh\r\n\r\nHis dizzy aunt ............. Verti Gogh\r\n\r\nThe cousin that moved to Illinois ......... Chicah Gogh\r\n\r\nHis magician uncle .............. Wherediddy Gogh\r\n\r\nThe cousin who lived in Mexico .......... Amee Gogh\r\n\r\nAnother cousin who lived in Mexico ......... Green Gogh\r\n\r\nNephew that drove a stage coach .......... Wells Far Gogh\r\n\r\nAunt who was a good dancer .............. Tan Gogh",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7861,
"title": "The \"Gogh\" Family"
},
{
"body": "I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7862,
"title": "Schizo"
},
{
"body": "What did the ocean say to the beach?\r\n\r\nNothing, it just waved",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7863,
"title": "Water Words"
},
{
"body": "How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome?\r\n\r\nPull down their genes.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7870,
"title": "Chromosomes Rule"
},
{
"body": "For Stupid:\r\n\r\nHey, your house is calling, and they're missing their idiot.\r\n\r\nWhere were you when God gave out brains?\r\n\r\nHow many times have you crawled into the hole that said 'lowers your IQ'?\r\n\r\nDid you get dropped on your head when you were little and your mom said you were just 'special'?\r\n\r\nDid you like getting hit by the stupid stick?\r\n\r\nFor Ugly:\r\n\r\nDid you perhaps get run over by a truck sometime in your life?\r\n\r\nNote: You can use stupid insults and change them to ugly insults by a word and vice versa.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 7871,
"title": "Useful Things To Note"
},
{
"body": "Why did the white girl go have sex with a Mexican?\r\n\r\nBecause her teacher told her to do an ESE.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7872,
"title": "Why did she?"
},
{
"body": "Ms. Suzy had a steam boat, \r\nthe steam boat had a bell!\r\nThe steam boat went to heaven,\r\nMs. Suzy went to...\r\n\r\nHello operator,\r\nplease give me number nine! \r\nAnd if you disconnect me,\r\nI'll chop off your...\r\n\r\nBehind the frigerator,\r\nthere was a piece of glass!\r\nMs. Suzy sat upon it,\r\nand broke her big fat...\r\n\r\nAsk me no more questions,\r\ntell me no more lies!\r\nThe boys are in the bathroom,\r\nzipping up their...\r\n\r\nFlies are in the meadow,\r\nbees are in the park!\r\nMs. Suzy's with her boyfriend,\r\nkissing in the d-a-r-k, d-a-r-k dark, dark, dark!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7875,
"title": "Ms. Suzy"
},
{
"body": "\"Doctor! I have a serious pronblem, I can never remember what I just said.\"\r\n\r\n\"When did you first notice this problem?\"\r\n\r\n\"What problem?\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 7876,
"title": "Doctor Doctor!!!"
},
{
"body": "When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. \"Step aside lady,\" he barked. \"I've taken a course in first-aid!\"\r\n\r\nThe woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. \"Pardon me,\" she said. \"But when you get to the part about calling a \r\ndoctor, I'm right here.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 7878,
"title": "Car Crash"
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between man and Superman?\r\nMan wears underwear under the trousers and Superman wears it over the \r\ntrousers.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 7879,
"title": "What is the Diffrence"
},
{
"body": "Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?\r\n\r\nWhat happens if you pop the popcorn upside down?\r\n\r\nWhy aren't HAMburgers made out of ham? \r\n\r\nAnd my favorite:\r\nDonde estan mis pantalones?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7884,
"title": "Thoughts"
},
{
"body": "Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who is used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.\r\n\r\nWhat YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.\r\n\r\nPass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain is looped about the tiger's neck and acts as a giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it. You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right.\r\n\r\nThen you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge the tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn't a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.\r\n\r\nThis is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're standing next to one.\r\n\r\nThen you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.\r\n\r\nIt is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case, the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make things manageable, whereas one will not.\r\n\r\nIt is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don't get taken for walks.\r\n\r\nThey also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn't put it by me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.\r\n\r\nAll in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the day.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 7886,
"title": "A Guide to Walking Tigers"
},
{
"body": "Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a matter of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.\r\n\r\nWhat could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.\r\n\r\nThree American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!\r\n\r\nThe decline has begun.\r\n\r\nJapan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.\r\n\r\nBut a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.\r\n\r\nIf anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 7887,
"title": "Japan is in Trouble"
},
{
"body": "Only a redneck visits a trailer park to look for home decorating ideas.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 7888,
"title": "Trailer Park"
},
{
"body": "One day, 15 year old Christy came home from shopping with her Auntie Kim and Auntie Flo. \r\n\r\nChristy says to her 6 year old sister, \"Auntie Kim has bad taste, but Auntie Flo has good taste.\" \r\n\r\nHer sister then says, \"How do you know? Have you bitten them before?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 7890,
"title": "Bad Taste"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.\r\n\r\nJohnny bravely walked up to him and said \"Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.\"\r\n\r\nThinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, \"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?\"\r\n\r\nWithout even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied \"In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.\"\r\n\r\nStill thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, \"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie.\"\r\n\r\nAgain, Johnny instantly replied, \"Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine.\"\r\n\r\nBy this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.\r\n\r\nAfter a second, Mr. Smith said, \"Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?\"\r\n\r\nJohnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, \"Well, we've been lucky so far....\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 7891,
"title": "Married"
},
{
"body": "Why am I stronger than Tarzan?\r\n\r\nBecause I can beat on my chest without screaming.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7893,
"title": "Tarzan"
},
{
"body": "During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. \"I'll take care of it,\" she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights. A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, \"Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7894,
"title": "Uh-Oh, Flight Trouble!"
},
{
"body": "The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, \"I would like to know two things. \r\n\r\nFirst: Why did you revolt? \r\n\r\nSecond: How did you get out of your cell?\" \r\n\r\nOne of the three men stepped forward, \"Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful.\" \r\n\r\n\"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?\" the warden asked. \r\n\r\nReplied the spokesman, \"French Toast...\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7895,
"title": "Bad Food!"
},
{
"body": "1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. \r\n\r\n2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. \r\n\r\n3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? \r\n\r\n4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. \r\n\r\n5. Do I look like a people person? \r\n\r\n6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. \r\n\r\n7. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. \r\n\r\n8. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. \r\n\r\n9. Bottomless pit of needs & wants. \r\n\r\n10. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. \r\n\r\n11. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. \r\n\r\n12. Does your train of thought have a caboose? \r\n\r\n13. Let me show you how the guards used to do it. \r\n\r\n14. And just how may I screw you over today? \r\n\r\n15. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. \r\n\r\n16. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil... \r\n\r\n17. Allow me to introduce my selves. \r\n\r\n18. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. \r\n\r\n19. Whisper my favorite words: \"I'll buy it for you.\" \r\n\r\n20. Better living through denial. \r\n\r\n21. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. \r\n\r\n22. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees\r\n& then name streets after them. \r\n\r\n23. Do they ever shut up on your planet? \r\n\r\n24. Are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. \r\n\r\n25. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. \r\n\r\n26. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. \r\n\r\n27. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. \r\n\r\n28. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. \r\n\r\n29. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! \r\n\r\n30. Adults are just kids who owe money. \r\n\r\n31. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? \r\n\r\n32. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor. \r\n\r\n33. You say I'm a \"b----\" like it's a bad thing. \r\n\r\n34. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? \r\n\r\n35. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong. \r\n\r\n36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? \r\n\r\n37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. \r\n\r\n38. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done. \r\n\r\n39. You look like crap. Is that the style now? \r\n\r\n40. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for the friends in my head.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7897,
"title": "Top 40 One Liners"
},
{
"body": "The mood of a woman\r\nAn angel of truth and a dream of fiction,\r\nA woman is a bundle of contradiction,\r\nShe's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,\r\nBut will tackle a stranger alone in the house.\r\nSour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,\r\nShe'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,\r\nShe'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,\r\nShe'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,\r\nAt times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,\r\nShe'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. \r\n\r\nThe moods of a man!\r\nHungry! \r\n\r\nHorny! \r\n\r\nSleepy!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7899,
"title": "The Moods of Women and Men"
},
{
"body": "Here's a stupid warning label:\r\n\r\nIf you look at a fire extinguisher, it will say \"Non-flamable\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7903,
"title": "Fire Extinguisher"
},
{
"body": "If you fall down a bottomless pit... do you eventually die of starvation?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7904,
"title": "Bottomless Pit"
},
{
"body": "Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7906,
"title": "Glue"
},
{
"body": "Isn't it fascinating how feet smell and noses run?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7907,
"title": "Feet"
},
{
"body": "If you think about it, a muffin is just a bald cupcake!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7908,
"title": "Muffins"
},
{
"body": "As far as we Americans know, Osama Bin Laden could, quite possibly, be right here in New York, posing as a cab driver, and we'd never know.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7909,
"title": "Osama Bin Laden"
},
{
"body": "I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, \"Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7910,
"title": "Rock/paper/scissors"
},
{
"body": "If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7911,
"title": "Slinkies"
},
{
"body": "How did Hellen Keller's mother punish her???\r\n\r\nrearranging her furniture.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 7913,
"title": "Hellen Keller"
},
{
"body": "Once there was a redneck groom about to get married. As he puts on the beaver pelt suit, he is talking to his dad. \"Hey Uncle Jim, I'm kind of worried. My fiance told me she's still a virgin.\" \r\n\r\n\"Why is that an issue?\" the dad says. \r\n\r\n\"Well, if she isn't good enough for her family, why would she be good enough for ours?\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 7917,
"title": "Getting Cold Feet"
},
{
"body": "Did you know that the goverment finds Native American chiefs more important than presidents? The new head on Mt. Rushmore is at least twice the size of the others. It's the head of an Indian!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 7920,
"title": "Mt. Rushmore"
},
{
"body": "This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.\r\n\r\nGuy: \"Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her.\" \r\n\r\nDoctor: \"Well, sir, I do have some bad news.\" \r\n\r\nAgain the guy interrupts. \r\n\r\nGuy: \"Doc, just tell me, did she make it?\"\r\n\r\nDoctor: \"As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing.\"\r\n\r\nThe guy slumps, just crushed. \r\n\r\nDoctor: \"With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years.\"\r\n\r\nThe guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry. \r\n\r\nDoctor: \"As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid.\"\r\n\r\nBy this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably. \r\n\r\nThe doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, \"Hey, look at me.\" The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, \"I'm just fucking with you, she's dead.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 7922,
"title": "Mean Doctor!"
},
{
"body": "What did the sick pony say to its mother?\r\n\r\nI'm a little hoarse.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7925,
"title": "Sick Pony"
},
{
"body": "A woman goes for her pelvic exam. While the doctor is doing the exam, he notices bikini tan lines, and she has sandals on that say \"hecho en mexico\" (made in mexico). So he casually asks her, \"So did you enjoy your trip to Mexico?\"\r\nShe sits up a little and stares at him with this look of disbelief. \"You can tell that just from a pelvic exam?!?!?\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 7929,
"title": "Hecho En Mexico"
},
{
"body": "A nurse was giving a patient a check up and came to the task of taking his temperature. So the patient came in and she told him to take his pants and boxers off so he hesitantly did so. She then put somthing in his butt. She had some time, so she went to the bank and was going to withdraw some cash. As she went to get her pen to sign the reciept, she took out the rectal themometer.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 7933,
"title": "Oops"
},
{
"body": "Here is a list of some really stupid laws I've seen:\r\nAlaska- You can't wake up a sleeping bear, just to take its picture.\r\n\r\nFlorida-Unmarried women may not parachute on Sundays.\r\n\r\nIdaho- You can't fish from the back of a camel. (Who has a pet camel in Idaho anyway?!?)\r\n\r\nOklahoma-Whaling is illegal. (hint-there aren't any oceans or whales in Oklahoma!)\r\n You also can't sleep on a refrigerator OUTDOORS, although it is perfectly legal to sleep on your refrigerator in public, as long as you are indoors.\r\n\r\nBaldwin Park, California- You can't (and why would you?) ride bicycles in swimming pools.\r\n\r\nHouston, Texas- You can't sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.\r\n\r\nLexington, Kentucky- You can't carry an ice-cream cone in your pocket. (What are the police going to go around checking peoples pockets for ice-cream?)\r\n\r\nMarion, Ohio- You can't walk backwards on a city street while eating a donut.\r\n\r\nMyrtle Creek, Oregon- No boxing with kangaroos. (Wait, there are kangaroos in Oregon???)\r\n\r\nNashville, Tennessee- You must be at least 18 years old to play pinball.\r\n\r\nNew Orleans- You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.\r\n\r\nWhitehall, Montana- You can't drive a car with ice picks attached to the wheels.\r\n\r\nWynona, Oklahoma- You can't wash your clothes in a birdbath. (Be careful...the neighbors are watching!)",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 7934,
"title": "Dumb Laws"
},
{
"body": "A dumb list for dumb laws:\r\n\r\nAustralia\r\n1. Children may not purchase cigarettes, but can smoke them.\r\n2. You may never leave your car keys in an unattended vehicle.\r\n3. It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burglar.\r\n\r\nEngland\r\n1. Those wishing to use a television must apply for a license.\r\n2. It is illegal to leave baggage unattended.\r\n3. Picking up abandoned baggage is as act of terrorism.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nFrance\r\n1. Between the hours of 8AM and 8PM, 70% of the music in the radio must be by French composers. \r\n\r\nThailand\r\n1. It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.\r\n2. You must wear a shirt while driving a car.\r\n3. You must pay a fine of $600 in Thailand if you're caught throwing away chewed bubblegum on the sidewalk. If you do not pay the fine, you are jailed.\r\n4. No one may step on any of the nation's currency. \r\n\r\nMany of the laws are actually followed. The question is, would you follow them, or just regard them as a joke?",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 7936,
"title": "International Weird Laws"
},
{
"body": "\"Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?\" - Asked of a waitress.\r\n\r\n\"Just the chicken.\" The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.\r\n\r\n\"Would you like cream and sugar with that?\" - Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.\r\n\r\n\"Do you want cheese on that?\" - Asked when a customer ordered a plain cheeseburger.\r\n\r\n\"You want fries with that?\" - Asked when a customer ordered an apple turnover.\r\n\r\n\"Do you want onions on that?\" - A waitress, in response to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola.\r\n\r\n\"Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?\"\r\n\r\n\"Do you get rice with your fried rice?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry, we only have six inch and foot long subs.\" - A waitress, when asked for a 12 inch sub.\r\n\r\n\"Would you like to care for a cup of coffee?\" - A waitress.\r\n\r\n\"Which of these coffees did you want with cream and sugar?\" - Asked of a customer who had ordered two coffees, one with cream and sugar and one without.\r\n\r\n\"Do you want that in a bag?\" - Asked of a customer who ordered coffee to go.\r\n\r\n\"Is this for here or to go?\" - Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.\r\n\r\n\"What's the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?\"\r\n\r\n\"What's the difference?\" - Asked of a waitress when asked if the customer would like breadsticks with or without cheese.\r\n\r\n\"Sir, we only have one thousand island dressing.\" - A waitress, when asked for two thousand island dressings.\r\n\r\n\"How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?\"\r\n\r\n\"How much is the $1.99 popcorn chicken?\"\r\n\r\n\"Is the honey mustard sauce sweet?\"\r\n\r\n\"Is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?\"\r\n\r\n\"Would you like the sale price?\" - A fast food worker, asking how a customer would like to pay for his order of two special sandwiches.\r\n\r\n\"That's not an animal. It's a mammal.\" - Cafeteria worker serving shrimp at a public high school.\r\n\r\n\"Does your ice cream contain dairy products?\" - A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.\r\n\r\n\"Excuse me. These ham and cheese rolls - do they have ham in them?\" - A customer at a bakery cafe.\r\n\r\n\"Don't you guys have them 99 cent Whoppers?\" - Asked of a Taco Bell cashier.\r\n\r\n\"This is to go.\" - Commonly said by customers at drive-through windows.\r\n\r\n\"I'd like a large Pepsi pizza.\" - A customer ordering pizza over the phone. After saying this, the customer was heard saying to someone else with him, \"Wait; Chuck, is that right?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7937,
"title": "Restaurant Quotes"
},
{
"body": "Have you ever heard of the kissing shield? No? then look at this list of crazy inventions people just like you made;\r\n\r\nKissing shield\r\nFace bake\r\nHorse diaper\r\nWhopper wheels\r\nSkateboard pirate\r\nLight bulb changer\r\nBeach boots\r\nRemote controlled horse\r\nFlying bike\r\nBaby bottom art\r\nPump power\r\nDummy chicken farmer\r\nAirplane moisturizer\r\nAlarm fork\r\nAll terrain stroller\r\nAqua swing\r\nBaby cage\r\nBall blinders\r\nBanana head\r\nBIRD CAT TRAP FEEDER\r\nBoob tube\r\nBoatless water skiing\r\nHijacker detector\r\nAnd many more dumb inventions soon to come. Be watching!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7938,
"title": "Absurd Inventions"
},
{
"body": "Idiot # 1\r\nI am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She\r\ncalmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.\r\n\r\nHere's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.\r\n~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\r\nIdiot # 2\r\nSeems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the\r\nchopper was going in on the emergency locator beacon which activated when the raft was inflated.\r\n\r\nThey are no longer employed at Boeing.\r\n\r\nHere's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.\r\n~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\r\nIdiot # 3\r\nA true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote \"this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.\" While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry\r\nthat someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.\r\n\r\nAfter waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was\r\nwritten on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said \"OK\"\r\nand left.\r\n\r\nHe was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.\r\n\r\nDon't bother with this guy's sign. He probably could read it anyway.\r\n~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\r\nIdiot # 4\r\n\r\nA motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.\r\n\r\nAnother sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!\r\n~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\r\nIdiot # 5\r\nA Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, \"Because I\r\ndon't believe you are over 21.\"\r\n\r\nThe robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then\r\nran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.\r\n\r\nThey arrested the robber two hours later.\r\n\r\n(Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!)\r\n~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\r\nIdiot # 6\r\nA pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, \"Nobody move!\"\r\n\r\nWhen his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.\r\n\r\n(This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.)\r\n~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\r\nIdiot # 7\r\nArkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.\r\n\r\nThe cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.\r\n\r\n(Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!)\r\n~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\r\nIdiot # 8\r\nAnn Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash.\r\n\r\nThe clerk turned him down because he said the couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7939,
"title": "Top 8 Idiots of 2000"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a Grizzly with no teeth?\r\n\r\nA gummy bear",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7943,
"title": "Grizzly"
},
{
"body": "A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves. \r\n\r\n\"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?\" \r\n\r\nShe said, \"No, I don't have any idea.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" he spoofed, \r\n\r\n\"Down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods' crate and start the process all over again.\" \r\nShe didn't laugh one bit. \r\n\r\nFive minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. \r\n\r\nThe old woman blushed and exclaimed, \r\n\r\n\"I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 7945,
"title": "Those Silly Dentist"
},
{
"body": "I love my Job, I love the Pay! I love it more and more each day. \r\n\r\nI love my Boss, he's the best! I love his boss and all the rest. \r\nI love my Office and its location - I hate to have to go on vacation. \r\n\r\nI love my furniture, drab and gray, and the paper that piles up every day! \r\n \r\nI love my chair in my padded cell! There's nothing else I love so well. \r\n\r\nI love to work among my peers - I love their leers and jeers and sneers. \r\nI love my computer and all its software, I hug it often though it doesn't care... \r\n\r\nI love each program and every file, I try to understand once in a while!! \r\n \r\nI'm happy to be here, I am I am, I'm happy to give lots of taxes to my Uncle Sam. \r\n\r\nI love this Work, I love these Chores. I love the meetings with deadly bores. \r\n\r\nI love my Job - I'll say it again - I even love these friendly Men. The men who've come to visit today, In those lovely white coats to take me away!!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 7946,
"title": "I Love My Job"
},
{
"body": "There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. He sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.\r\n\r\nHing, who has had many advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, \"Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask.\" In the book, Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.\r\n\r\nSo the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, \"As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens.\" Hing agrees, saying \"Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens.\" The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation, but it does not work.\r\n\r\nMoral of the Story: \"All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7949,
"title": "Farmer Has Problems"
},
{
"body": "Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the \"Titanic\" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. \r\n\r\nMexicans were crazy about the stuff.\r\n\r\nThe Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate (\"desperados\") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. \r\n\r\nIt is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 7950,
"title": "Hellman Mayonnaise"
},
{
"body": "After many unhappy replies from our current\r\nvending service we decided that what they\r\nreally needed was a different form letter\r\nthat was more closely tied to their true\r\nfeeling:\r\n\r\n BFD Vending Service\r\n\r\nThank you for your inquiry/comments/complaints\r\nabout our vending serve\r\n\r\n-We are aware that your machine as not been stocked in 50 days.\r\n\r\n-We are waiting for the weekend.\r\n\r\n-We are out of items that have expired.\r\n\r\n-We're busy, don't bother us about this.\r\n\r\n-We don't care.\r\n\r\n-We are aware that the price for you\r\nseems high at $10,000.000, but we have to make a living.\r\n\r\n-We use an algorithm 50% retail for people your age.\r\n\r\n-We charge others more.\r\n\r\n-We adjust it to allow for spoilage. We are aware that the sodas are warm, the milk is curdled, sandwiches are stale, gum is hard, candy bars are petrified and assure you that that is the way it is supposed to be, really!\r\n\r\n\r\n-We understand that the bill changer can't, coin return won't, product selection doesn't, and believe that you should relax, it all evens out. Learn to live with it. Bring in your own change next time.\r\nBe happy it gave you anything and quit eating so much junk food.\r\n\r\nThank you and Happy Eating!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7951,
"title": "Vending Service Letter"
},
{
"body": "Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says \"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.\" \r\n\r\nSaid and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. \r\n\r\nGod got mad and said, \"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on that line?\" \r\n\r\nThe man said, \"I don't know. My wife told me to stand here.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7953,
"title": "Wives in Control"
},
{
"body": "Fred was getting out of his car to go to an electronics store and had his dog in the car with him. \"Stay,\" said Fred.\r\n\r\nA blond was witnessing all this and said to Fred, \"Would it just be easier to put it in park?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7955,
"title": "The Dog and The Car"
},
{
"body": "A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink.\" The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7956,
"title": "If You Were My..."
},
{
"body": "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH\r\nPROFESSOR:\r\n\r\nYou know the book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well,\r\nhere's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually\r\nturned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name\r\ndeleted) and Gary (last name deleted).\r\n\r\nEnglish 44A\r\n\r\nSMU\r\n\r\nCreative Writing\r\n\r\nProf. Miller\r\n\r\nIn class assignment for Wednesday:\r\n\r\nToday we will experiment with a new form called the tandem\r\nstory. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. And now, the assignment as submitted by\r\n\r\nRebecca & Gary:\r\n\r\nAt first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.\r\nThe chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings\r\nat home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in\r\nhappier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must\r\nnow, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness\r\nwas suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her\r\nasthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the\r\nquestion.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack\r\nsquadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things\r\nto think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic\r\nbimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over\r\na year ago. \"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,\" he said into his\r\ntransgalactic communicator. \"Polar orbit established. No sign of\r\nresistance so far...\". But before he could sign off a bluish\r\nparticle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through\r\nhis ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him\r\nflying out of his seat and across the cockpit.\r\n\r\nHe bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before\r\nhe felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the\r\none woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards,\r\nEarth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful\r\nfarmers of Skylon 4. \"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing\r\nWar and Space Travel\", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.\r\nThe news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared\r\nout the window, dreaming of her youth when the days had passed\r\nunhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no\r\ntelevision to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at\r\nall the beautiful things around her. \"Why must one lose one's\r\ninnocence to become a woman?\", she pondered wistfully.\r\n\r\nLittle did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.\r\nThousands of miles above the city, the Anu-udrian mothership\r\nlaunched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The\r\ndim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace\r\nDisarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless\r\ntarget for the hostile alien empires who were determined to\r\ndestroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of\r\nthe treaty the Anu-udrian ships were on course for Earth,\r\ncarrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With\r\nno one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical\r\nplan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere\r\nunimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine\r\nheadquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the\r\ninconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85\r\nmillion other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the\r\nconference table. \"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that\r\ntreaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!\"\r\n\r\nThis is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.\r\nMy writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate\r\nadolescent.\r\n\r\nYeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose\r\nattempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.\r\n\r\nAsshole.\r\n\r\nBitch.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 7957,
"title": "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, and unfortunate event took place, in which a ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere: \r\n\r\n A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman\r\n B. 2 French men and 1 French woman\r\n C. 2 German men and 1 German woman\r\n D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman\r\n E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman\r\n F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman\r\n G. 2 American men and 1 American woman\r\n H 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman\r\n\r\nWhat a Crazy coincidence! One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed: \r\n\r\nA. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.\r\n \r\nB. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.\r\n \r\nC. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they spend time with the German woman.\r\n\r\nD. The two Greek men are happy together, and the Greek woman is\r\ncooking and cleaning for them.\r\n\r\nE. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ! ocean and a\r\nlong look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.\r\n\r\nF. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.\r\n\r\nG. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American\r\nwoman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.\r\n\r\nH. What happened to the Indians????\r\n\r\n..\r\n \r\n..\r\n\r\n..\r\n \r\n..\r\n\r\nThe 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 7958,
"title": "Shipwrecked"
},
{
"body": "Q:What do you call a Bass Clarinet player with half a brain?\r\n\r\nA: Gifted",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7961,
"title": "Bass Clarinets"
},
{
"body": "One day a cop walks in to a barber shop and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but the barber says, \"Im doing free haircuts this week.\" The cop thanks him and walks away. The next day there is a box of a dozen donuts on the barber's desk. A republican walks in and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but the barber says, \"Im doing free haircuts this week.\" The republican thanks him and walks away. The next day there is a self help book on his desk. A democrat walks in and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but barber says, \"I'm doing free haircuts this week.\" The next day, there are 20 democrats at the door waiting for a free haircut.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 7962,
"title": "Democratic Haircuts"
},
{
"body": "THESE ARE REAL NOTES FROM A REAL CHILLI COOK OFF\r\n\r\nNotes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the east coast:\r\n\r\n\"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:\r\n\r\n\r\nChilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili\r\n\r\nJUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.\r\nJUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.\r\nFRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.\r\n\r\n\r\nChilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili\r\n\r\nJUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.\r\nJUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.\r\nFRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.\r\n\r\n\r\nChilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili\r\n\r\nJUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.\r\nJUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.\r\nFRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.\r\n\r\n\r\nChilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic\r\n\r\nJUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.\r\nJUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.\r\nFRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?\r\n\r\n\r\nChilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover\r\n\r\nJUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.\r\nJUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.\r\nFRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!\r\n\r\n\r\nChilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety\r\n\r\nJUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.\r\nJUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.\r\nFRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!\r\n\r\n\r\nChilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili\r\n\r\nJUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.\r\nJUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.\r\nFRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.\r\n\r\n\r\nChilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili\r\n\r\nJUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.\r\nJUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?\r\nFRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7963,
"title": "Chilli Cook Off"
},
{
"body": "Your momma so old she sat next to Jesus in the 3rd grade",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 7965,
"title": "Old"
},
{
"body": "\"Well, what have we here...?\" \r\nHe has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.\r\n\r\n\"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?\" \r\nI'm stalling for time. \r\n\r\n\"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call.\" \r\nI don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself. \r\n\r\n\"Let me check your medical history.\" \r\nI want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you. \r\n\r\n\"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news.\" \r\nThe good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it. \r\n\r\n\"This should be taken care of right away.\" \r\nI'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself. \r\n\r\n\"Let me schedule you for some lab tests.\" \r\nI have a forty percent interest in the lab. \r\n\r\n\"Let's see how it develops.\" \r\nMaybe in a few days it will grow into something that really needs to be cured. \r\n\r\n\"I'd like to prescribe a new drug.\" \r\nI'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. \r\n\r\n\"That's quite a nasty looking wound.\" \r\nI think I'm going to throw up. \r\n\r\n\"This may smart a little.\" \r\nLast week two patients almost bit off their tongues. \r\n\r\n\"This should fix you up.\" \r\nThe drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. Hope it works... \r\n\r\n\"Everything seems to be normal.\" \r\nRats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all. \r\n\r\n\"I'd like to run some more tests.\" \r\nI can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7966,
"title": "What the Doc Means"
},
{
"body": "Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:\r\n\r\nI decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.\r\n\r\nAs I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.\r\n\r\nI decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.\r\n\r\nI lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full, so I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.\r\n\r\nBut then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.\r\n\r\nI take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.\r\n\r\nMy extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.\r\n\r\nI'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.\r\n\r\nAs I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye -- they need to be watered.\r\n\r\nI set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.\r\n\r\nI decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.\r\n\r\nI set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.\r\n\r\nI realize that tonight when I go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.\r\n\r\nI pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor, so I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.\r\n\r\nThen I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.\r\n\r\nAt the end of the day:\r\n\r\nThe car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter and the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.\r\n\r\nThen, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.\r\n\r\nI realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.\r\n\r\nDon't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!\r\n\r\nGROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.\r\nLAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7967,
"title": "Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder"
},
{
"body": "Why do lawyers always wear a tie?\r\n\r\nTo keep back the foreskin.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 7968,
"title": "Formal Wear"
},
{
"body": "Why did the blond make a square pie?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause Pi(r) squared!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7971,
"title": "Pie"
},
{
"body": "You know how, in the olden days, you were named for what you did? For instance, if you were a blacksmith, your last name would be Smith, if you were a baker, your last name was Baker. \r\nIt kind of makes me wonder what John Hancock's ancestors did for a living.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7972,
"title": "Lets Skip the Handshake"
},
{
"body": "Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. \r\nShe made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. \r\n\r\nShe emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. \r\n\r\nLater that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house............. and left it there all night.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7973,
"title": "The Church Gossip"
},
{
"body": "An 18-year-old girl tells her Mum that she is two months late. Very worried, the mother rushes off to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. \r\nThe test result shows that the girl is pregnant. \r\n\r\nShouting, cursing, crying, the mother says: \"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know now!\" \r\n\r\nThe girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a red Ferrari stops in front of their house and a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out and enters the house. \r\n\r\nHe sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and he explains: \"Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. \r\n\r\nIf a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it's twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. \r\n\r\nHowever, if there is a miscarriage, well... what do you suggest I do?\" \r\n\r\nAt this point, the father - who had remained silent - places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says, \"Then I reckon you'll just have to sleep with her again!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 7974,
"title": "Modern Pregnancy Dilema"
},
{
"body": "The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These North Carolina, South Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists: \r\n\r\n1. The season opened today\r\n2. There is no limit\r\n3. They taste just like chicken\r\n4. They don't like beer, pickups, Harley Davidson's, country music or Jesus\r\n5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThis mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 7975,
"title": "Redneck Special Forces"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock!\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nAbbey!\r\n\r\nAbbey who?\r\n\r\nAbbey stung me on the nose!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 7976,
"title": "Abbey"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nAcid!\r\n\r\nAcid who?\r\n\r\nAcid down and be quiet!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 7977,
"title": "Acid"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nAcid!\r\n\r\nAcid who?\r\n\r\nAcidently on purpose!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 7978,
"title": "Acid 2"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock \r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nBach!\r\n\r\nBach who?\r\n\r\nBach to work!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 7979,
"title": "Work"
},
{
"body": "A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. \r\n\r\nShe began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. \r\n\r\nComing to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. \r\n\r\n\"Miss Smith,\" he said finally, \"it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 7981,
"title": "Exam"
},
{
"body": "I was eating a fruit rollup once, you know, with the paper on the bottom...well the instructions were \"Do not eat paper.\" Noooo! I thought the paper was part of the snack!!",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 7987,
"title": "Fruit Roll Up"
},
{
"body": "what happened to the lost boy?\r\nhe came to a house and wrote a joke that was exactly like this except in larger font and with a little more umph ya know what i mean a very humerous joke in fact i do believe he is working on more ya know i lied i ain't lost i just like making very very very long jokes sorta like this one ya know what i wrote is called a run on sentence my papa told me about run ons they are fun i can't imagine not having a papa if you don't have one i feel bad for you starting at 'starting' i wrote 100 words thats a lot but still my favorite number is464,546,879,6 but i won't go till there i can't believe i counted my words how nerdy i'm stopping soon wait......... 127 ha buh bye",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 7998,
"title": "Long Joke"
},
{
"body": "Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview\r\nbetween a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.\r\n\r\nFEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?\r\n\r\nGENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.\r\n\r\nFEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?\r\n\r\nGENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.\r\n\r\nFEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?\"\r\n\r\nGENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how; we will be teaching them proper rifle\r\ndiscipline before they even touch a firearm.\r\n\r\nFEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.\r\n\r\nGENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're 'equipped' to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?\r\n\r\nThe radio went silent and the interview ended.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8001,
"title": "Equipped"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny's mother took her 6-year-old son with her to the bank.\r\n\r\nThey were in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Little Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, \"Hey, Mom, she's really fat.\"\r\n\r\nThe lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Little' Johnny received a reprimand.\r\n\r\nAfter a minute or two, Little Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, \"I bet her butt is 'that' wide.\"\r\n\r\nAt this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.\r\n\r\nAgain after a couple of minutes Little Johnny stated loudly, \"Look how the fat hangs over her belt.\"\r\n\r\nThe lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her child and his mother threatened him with severe bodily harm.\r\nThe lady's pager begins to go off.\r\n\r\nLil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, \"Run for your life, she's backing up\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8003,
"title": "Backing Up"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny asks his teacher: \"How are the babies made?\"\r\n\r\nTeacher, not wanting to take the responsibility of explaining such a sensitive subject, suggests that he go home and ask his parents.\r\n\r\nWhen he gets home, Johnny approaches his father with the same question. His father replies, \"Oh! that is a long story, you better speak to mother!\"\r\n\r\nThe mother, in her turn, says: \"Oh! It is a difficult question, why don't you better speak to granddad!\"\r\n\r\nGrandfather is sitting on a bench in the garden and eating an apple just when Johnny comes up with the same question. And so he tries to explain: \"You see, the apple has little seeds; when they are planted, an apple-tree will grow after a while; and then it will bring new apples. So people also...\"\r\n\r\nBut Johnny has heard enough. He takes a few apples, carefully cuts them to collect the seeds, and puts the seeds into his pants pocket.\r\n\r\nThe next day at school, Johnny is eager to show off what he's learned, so he approaches his teacher and says, \"Now I can explain. But first let me start by showing you what I've got in my pants...\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8004,
"title": "Johnny Appleseed"
},
{
"body": "Politians are like constipated people-they're full of shit.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 8006,
"title": "Politians are Like..."
},
{
"body": "What did the pirate say when he got cold?\r\nShiver me timbers!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8008,
"title": "Pirate"
},
{
"body": "As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.\r\n\r\n\"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,\" she said. \r\n\r\nI had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.\r\n\r\nI love mustard.\r\n\r\nI had no napkin.\r\n\r\nI licked it off. \r\n\r\nIt was NOT mustard.\r\n\r\nNo man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.\r\n\r\nLater, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, \"Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poupon'.\"\r\n\r\nI think I'll go have a salad now...",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8009,
"title": "I Love Mustard"
},
{
"body": "One day a boy walked in the classroom. The teacher asked him why he was late; he said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. The next boy walked in and the teacher asked him why he was late; he said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. The last boy walked in and the teacher asked him why he was late. He said he was on top of Blueberry Hill. Then a girl walked in and the teacher said, \"Let me guess, you're late beacause you were on top of Blueberry Hill\". Then the girl said, \"I am Blueberry Hill\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8012,
"title": "Blueberry Hill"
},
{
"body": "A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. Very proud, she came home and put it on. She then showed her mother how she looked in it. \r\n\r\n\"What do you think mom?\" she asked. \r\n\r\nHer mother replied, \"If I wore that when I was your age, you would be 5 years older.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8014,
"title": "Tiny Bikini"
},
{
"body": "A brother and sister are in a terrible car accident and the brother is badly injured. \r\n\r\nAt the hospital the doctor tells the sister, \"His brain is dead, but his pulse is still beating.\"\r\n\r\nThe sister replies, \"Oh no! We've never had a Democrat in the family before!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 8015,
"title": "Another Democrat Joke"
},
{
"body": "Give blood.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\nGo skateboarding.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8017,
"title": "Give Blood"
},
{
"body": "I can only be kind to one person a day.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\n.\r\nToday is not your day.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8018,
"title": "Today"
},
{
"body": "When I walk the dogs, I take a handful of black plastic bags, since the local council requires us to 'clear up after our dogs' or face a stiff fine. This being the wild blackberry season, I use a spare (clean!) one to hold the blackberries I pick on the way. \r\nComing off the hill, I passed an American visitor, who said something, looking at the bulging bag. \r\n\r\n\"I'm taking them home for supper - they're delicious with cream,\" I said. \r\n\r\nShe turned white. \r\n\r\nSome minutes later I worked out that she had said that the dog-waste bin was just round the corner. \r\n\r\nIf I see her again, I must invite her to supper.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8019,
"title": "Bon Appetit"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was at a department store for the first time and was very confused.\r\n\r\nThe man beside her was getting irritated at the blonde because she kept asking him so many questions about the store.\r\n\r\nHe said, \"Please! Just stop asking me so many questions!\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh,\" the blonde replied. \"Why?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8020,
"title": "Blonde Question"
},
{
"body": "Kid 1: You did it again!\r\nKid 2: What? What did I do?\r\nKid 1: You know, that thing.\r\nKid 2: What thing?\r\nKid 1: That thing when your lips move and sound comes out.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8022,
"title": "You Did It Again!"
},
{
"body": "I know this isn't a joke, but I really need help. I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. \r\n\r\nI've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs - phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. \r\nShe started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask which girls, it is always \"Just some friends from work, you don't know them.\" \r\nI always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? \r\nI once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was, and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again, and why was I checking up on her. \r\n\r\nAnyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep down, I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. \r\nI decided I was going to hide behind my car, which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch. \r\n\r\nSo what should I do? Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8029,
"title": "DESPERATE!!!!"
},
{
"body": "You have the right to remain silent. Exercise it.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8031,
"title": "Silent"
},
{
"body": "A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.\r\n\r\nProceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.\r\n\r\nIn the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.\r\n\r\nHe quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.\r\n\r\nAs he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, \"What happened here today?\"\r\n\r\nShe again smiled and answered, \"You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" was his incredulous replied.\r\n\r\nShe answered, \"Well, today I didn't do it.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8032,
"title": "I Didn't Do it"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, \"Will you marry me?\"\r\n\r\nThe girl said, \"NO!\" \r\n\r\nThe guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting. He played golf a lot, drank beer, and farted whenever he wanted.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8033,
"title": "The Worlds' Shortest Fairytale"
},
{
"body": "A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together. \r\nTheir three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honour of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had varied excuses. \r\n\r\n\"Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad,\" gushed son number one. \"Sorry, I'm running late... I just didn't have the time to get you a present.\" \r\n\r\n\"No worry,\" said Dad. \"The important thing is that we're all together.\" \r\n\r\nSon number two arrived and announced, \"Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you anything... I'm sorry.\" \r\n\r\n\"It's nothing,\" said the father, \"just glad you could be here today.\" \r\n\r\nThe daughter arrived. \"Happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but I've been out of town and didn't bring a present.\" \r\n\r\nAgain the father said, \"I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today.\" \r\n\r\nLater, during dinner, the father put down his fork, looked up and said, \"Listen, you three, there's something your mother and I need to tell you. We came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise you and send you to college. But we never got around to getting married.\" \r\n\r\nThe three kids gasped and said, in unison, \"You mean we're BASTARDS?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yep,\" said the dad. \"And cheap ones, too!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8035,
"title": "50 Years of Marriage"
},
{
"body": "Why should you never play poker in the jungle?\r\n\r\n-because there are too many cheatahs!!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8037,
"title": "Poker"
},
{
"body": "Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8039,
"title": "Drink and Drive"
},
{
"body": "Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, \"I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.\"\r\n\r\n\"Odd,\" her companion replied, \"but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.\"\r\n\r\nNodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.\r\n\r\n\"Two dogs, please,\" said one.\r\n\r\nThe vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'\r\n\r\nThe mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, \"What part did you get?\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8040,
"title": "Eating Dogs"
},
{
"body": "Say this out loud:\r\n\r\nthis is a cat \r\nis is a cat\r\nhow is a cat\r\nto is a cat\r\nkeep is a cat\r\na is a cat\r\ndumbass is a cat\r\nbusy is a cat\r\nfor is a cat\r\nforty is a cat\r\nseconds is a cat\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\nnow read only the first word of each line!!\r\n\r\nTHIS is a cat \r\nIS is a cat\r\nHOW is a cat\r\nTO is a cat\r\nKEEP is a cat\r\nA is a cat\r\nDUMBASS is a cat\r\nBUSY is a cat\r\nFOR is a cat\r\nFORTY is a cat\r\nSECONDS is a cat",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8041,
"title": "Tongue Twister"
},
{
"body": "A woman went in for a breast exam. The doctor said, \"Have a seat. I have to numb your breasts first.\"\r\n\r\nThe woman said, \"Okay.\"\r\n\r\nSo the doctor put his face between her breasts and said, \"Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8043,
"title": "Breast Exam"
},
{
"body": "Did you have cookie for lunch? 'Cuz your face is kinda krummy.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8045,
"title": "Cookie"
},
{
"body": "Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?\r\n\r\nBecause blokes refuse to ask for directions.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 8047,
"title": "Asking For Directions"
},
{
"body": "The was a man named Jimmy who was on a job interview in another state that he didn't know very well. While he was driving he became very tired. Noticing there were no hotels in sight, he pulled over in the driveway and knocked on the door. A old man in his 60s greeted him.\r\n\r\n\"Hi, Im sorry to disturb you, but I am very tired. May I sleep here just for tonight?\" Jimmy asked.\r\n\r\nThe old man cleared his thoat and said,\"Well, I don't have any more rooms available, but you can sleep with my daughter if you don't disturb her.\"\r\n\r\nJimmy nodded his head and agreed, and the old man showed him the room. \"See you in the morning,\" said the old man.\r\n\r\nJimmy stripped his clothes off and got into the bed. He fell asleep right away. The only problem was he keep waking up when he touched the farmers daughter.\r\n\r\nMorning finally came around and he went downstairs. The old man was at the stove cooking some breakfast. \r\n\r\n\"Your daughter was really cold last night and it's really weird how she doesn't toss and turn, even when a stranger is in her bed,\" Jimmy said.\r\n\r\n\" Well, what did you expect? We're going to bury her today.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8049,
"title": "The Famers Daughter"
},
{
"body": "What is the medical term for a woman getting a sex change?\r\n\r\nAn adadictomy \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n(add-a-dick-to-me)",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 8053,
"title": "Sex Change"
},
{
"body": "An Irish couple were having a dinner party and the wife, Patty, was very concerned that this dinner go off with out a hitch. She sent the husband, Phillip, off to get some escargot (snails) for an appetizer. She said to him \"Don't stop at the local pub, I need you back here right away.\" \r\n\r\nSo off he goes. After a while he doesn't come back and Patty is getting more and more nervous. \r\n\r\nAbout 5 hours later, after the dinner had ended, Phillip, obviously drunk, was just getting into the driveway of the house when he slipped and the snails went flying everywhere. Patty came out of the house and said to him, \"Where have you been this whole time?\"\r\nThinking quickly Phillip bent down, looked at the snails and replied, \"Come on, little fellers, you're almost home.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 8054,
"title": "Irish Dinner Party"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat that she fell over and made the Grand Canyon!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8055,
"title": "Grand Canyon"
},
{
"body": "The secret to enjoying a good wine is: \r\n\r\n1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.\r\n2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 8056,
"title": "The Secret to Enjoying Wine"
},
{
"body": "Mother decided that 7-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.\r\n\r\n\"Suppose we open a savings account for you?\" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.\r\n\r\n\"It's your account, darling,\" mother said as they arrived at the bank, \"so you fill out the application.\"\r\n\r\nCathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8058,
"title": "Bank Name"
},
{
"body": "I did your mom...\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n...a favor by making you...\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n...lunch.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8060,
"title": "Funny"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?\r\nA: To take over the other side.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8065,
"title": "Why Did the Iraqi Chicken..."
},
{
"body": "Sam: \"Cas, phone for you!\"\r\n\r\nCas: \"Okay, thanks, Sam.\" --BEEP OF PHONE BEING TURNED ON-- \"Hello? Oh, hi....\"\r\n\r\n--AFTER PHONE CONVERSATION--\r\n\r\nSam: \"So, who was it?\"\r\n\r\nCas: \"Heather.\"\r\n\r\nSam: \"What did she want?\"\r\n\r\nCas: \"Our phone number.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8070,
"title": "Phone Conversation"
},
{
"body": "3 Hints to arguing with blondes:\r\n1.) Use small easy to understand words.\r\n2.) Keep your sentences short and to the point.\r\n3.) Use, what I like to call, \"Blonde logic\" aka logic that only makes sense to them or on occasion other blondes.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8072,
"title": "Arguing With Blondes"
},
{
"body": "An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. \r\nOne day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. \r\n\r\nAll of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. \r\n\r\nKilled her dead on the spot. \r\n\r\nAt the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. \r\n\r\nSo after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. \r\n\r\nThe old farmer said: \"Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.\" \r\n\r\n\"And what about the men?\" the minister asked. \r\n\r\n\"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8073,
"title": "An Old Hillbilly Farmer"
},
{
"body": "May your troubles be as few and far between as your great-grandmother's teeth.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8074,
"title": "Irish Blessing"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the worst time to be a rat or a mouse?\r\n\r\nA: When it's raining cats and dogs!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8077,
"title": "Worst Time"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so fat, when she walks down the street and hums, the kids all run after her, waving money and yelling, \"Ice Cream truck! Ice Cream truck!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8079,
"title": "Ice Cream!"
},
{
"body": "Did you know... in Louisiana it is illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant and leave it unattended? Really! It's true!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8080,
"title": "Alligators in Louisiana"
},
{
"body": "The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods, hunting together when suddenly a beautiful blonde girl raced across their path, totally nude!\r\n\"Would I love to eat that?\" \"Oui, oui!\" The Frenchman said, smacking his lips.\r\nSo the Italian shot her.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8081,
"title": "The Italian"
},
{
"body": "The following are questions the answers to I wish I knew:\r\n\r\nIf one hermaphrodite dates another hermaphrodite, are they gay, straight or bisexual?\r\n\r\nWhy does the cat always use the litter box right before I need to brush my teeth?\r\n\r\nWho is Murphy and what sad life did he lead to have that law named after him?\r\n\r\nWhy do they keep making things smaller and smaller when all that does is make them easier to lose?\r\n\r\nWhy are there so many 24%s in my joke recomender?\r\n\r\nAnd why oh why are there so many of these lists?",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 8083,
"title": "Questions.."
},
{
"body": "Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. \r\nAfter a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8084,
"title": "New Invention"
},
{
"body": "How do we know that Christ was Irish?\r\n\r\nBecause he was 33; still lived at home; thought his mother was a virgin, and she thought he was the son of God.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8087,
"title": "Jesus"
},
{
"body": "It is obvious. The downfall of the world is here. It is 2005 and we have lived on this earth for ages. I suppose it is about time for the end. \r\nProof? You want proof? I have all the proof you will need:\r\n\r\nThey let Brittney Spears reproduce.\r\n\r\nOhh that poor poor child!!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8089,
"title": "The Downfall of the World"
},
{
"body": "A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.\r\n\r\nThe woman, who was hard of hearing, decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.\r\n\r\nHe said, \"I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion, and if you ever have a baby, it will be a miracle.\"\r\n\r\nThe woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.\r\n\r\nShe said, \"The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8090,
"title": "Fishy"
},
{
"body": "The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why she doesn't want to have sex with her husband any more. \r\n\r\n\"For the last 7 months,\" the wife replies, \"every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. \r\n\r\nThat makes me late to work. I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' \r\n\r\nOn the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. \r\n\r\nSo you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more.\" \r\n\r\nThe doctor thinks for a second. \"So,\" he says, \"are we going to tell your husband or what?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8091,
"title": "\"Or What\""
},
{
"body": "How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA: One, men will screw anything.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 8092,
"title": "How Many Men? (a Variation)"
},
{
"body": "How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\n\r\nA: 50... 1 to hold the lightbulb, and 49 to drink 'till the room spins!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 8093,
"title": "How Many Irishmen..."
},
{
"body": "A male blue whale, can ejaculate 40 gallons of sperm during sex.\r\n\r\nOnly 10% of that will get to the female.\r\n\r\nThe other 36 gallons is left in the sea.\r\n\r\nNo wonder the sea's so salty.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8096,
"title": "The Whale Fact"
},
{
"body": "How do you catch an elephant?\r\n\r\nDig a hole, put peanuts around it, fill it with ashes and when the elephant goes to eat the peanuts, kick him in the ash hole.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8097,
"title": "Catch an Elephant"
},
{
"body": "Your momma is so old, she breast fed Methuselah.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8098,
"title": "Biblical Proportions"
},
{
"body": "Found in micellaneous things.\r\n\r\nIf at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.\r\n\r\nI don't have a short attention span, it's just that I-\r\n\r\nEtc.:a sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.\r\n\r\nMy mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely. \r\n\r\nIf your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise.\r\n\r\nWithout geography, you're nowhere.\r\n\r\nWhen someone tells you nothing is impossible, tell him to dribble a football.\r\n\r\nMan who scratch ass should not bite fingernail.\r\n\r\nBaseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.\r\n\r\nMan who drives like hell, bound to get there.\r\n\r\nIt takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.\r\n\r\nCrowded elevator smells different to midgets.\r\n\r\nMan who stands on toilet is high on pot.\r\n\r\nThat will be all for now. Ciao",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8102,
"title": "Useful"
},
{
"body": "One day, a little Indian boy came up to an old man in the village (In the Indian heritage, the oldest are most wise). The little boy asks, \"How do we Indians get their names? Like... Blackhawk, or Redeyes?\" The old man says, \"Well, actually, when they are born, the first thing we see is what we name them.\" \"Oh! Okay, thanks!\" says the little boy. \"Any more questions, Two Dogs Fucking?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8105,
"title": "How Do Indians Get Their Names?"
},
{
"body": "If you want to know how to make a blonde's eyes sparkle......Shine a flashlight in her ear.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8107,
"title": "Make Her Eyes Sparkle"
},
{
"body": "Q. How do you keep a blond from whistling while she is skydiving? \r\nA. Make sure she wears underwear.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8109,
"title": "Skydiving"
},
{
"body": "Roses are red\r\nViolets are blue\r\nGod made me pretty\r\nWhat the heck happened to you?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8110,
"title": "Roses are Red"
},
{
"body": "Now I lay me down to sleep,\r\nI pray for a man who's not a creep.\r\nOne who's handsome, smart and strong,\r\nAnd doesn't mind admitting when he's wrong, \r\n\r\nOne who thinks before he speaks,\r\nWhen he promises to call,\r\nhe won't wait two weeks. \r\n\r\nI pray that he is gainfully employed,\r\nAnd when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed\r\n& opens my door & begs to do more \r\n\r\nOh, send me a man who will make love to my mind,\r\nknows just what to say when I ask,\r\n\"How Big is My Behind!?!\" \r\n\r\nOne who will kiss me till my body's twitchin',\r\nIn the hall, the shower, the garden and the kitchen.\r\nI pray this man will love me no end, and never \r\nattempts to date my best friend. \r\n\r\nAnd, as I kneel and pray by my bed ... \r\nI look at the Butt Head you sent me instead! \r\n\r\n ~ Amen ~",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8116,
"title": "The Perfect Man"
},
{
"body": "One day a boy said to his mom, \"I'm a Picses, what are you?\" \r\nThe the mom answered, \"Cancer.\" \r\nThe boy then asked in a shocked state, \"You killed Grandma?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8118,
"title": "Cancer"
},
{
"body": "Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: \"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.\" \r\n\"OH NO!\" the President exclaims. \"That's terrible!\" \r\n\r\nHis staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. \r\n\r\nFinally, the President looks up and asks, \"How many is a brazillion?\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 8119,
"title": "Presidential Briefing"
},
{
"body": "Today in history class the topic was the Incas. Hoping to see if the students had done the reading, the teacher calls on random students and asks them questions. \r\n\"Where could the Incas be found?\" The teacher's first question. \"Jonie?\" foolishly she called on the blonde.\r\nNot having actually done the homework, and only halfway hearing the question, she guesses: \"In the pen?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8120,
"title": "History Class"
},
{
"body": "A boy was going to church on Sunday. His mom gave him $40 so that he could put $20 in the offering plate and use $20 to buy anything on the way. On his way to the church he lost the $40, so he went back to look for it. He found $20, then looked up and said, \"God, here is mine. Go and look for yours!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8123,
"title": "God, Here Is Mine"
},
{
"body": "Dave had obtained a new hunting dog and was raving about it to his colleagues at work endlessly. The dog could do this, the dog could do that, the dog was amazing, etc. Finally, after three weeks of listening to this, Dave's coworkers demanded to go on a hunt with Dave and his dog so they could see the dog in action for themselves.\r\n\r\nThe following weekend, they all went duck hunting in the fields and after the sun rose, Dave turned the dog loose to hunt. The damn dog was gone for three hours and everyone, including Dave, was getting anxious about what had happened to the dog. Finally, the dog comes romping into camp with a stick in its mouth and immediately jumps on Dave's leg and started humping his leg and furiously shaking the stick in its mouth. The other members of the group were busting out laughing at this ridiculous display and berating Dave over how stupid his dog was. Finally, Dave quieted the group and explained the dog's actions thus: \r\n\r\nHe's telling me \"There are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8127,
"title": "Hunting Dog"
},
{
"body": "A lady was at the bar when a guy started hitting on her. She said \"I'll send my pants to you from the dry cleaners, that way you can get into them on you own time.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8130,
"title": "Dry Cleaners"
},
{
"body": "Flea: (noun) a small, wingless, bloodsucking parasite\r\n\r\n(see also) a. Brother-in-law\r\n b. lawyer\r\n c. politician",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8133,
"title": "Not Found in Webster's"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock, \r\nWho's there?\r\nAlarm. \r\nAlarm who?\r\nAlarm the cops about all the partying I've been having!!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 8135,
"title": "Alarming..."
},
{
"body": "I-rish my beer was full...",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 8136,
"title": "Irish"
},
{
"body": "Two men were riding on a train. One of them had a bottle in his coat pocket, and the other one wanted it. Finally the train went through a dark tunnel and the man was able to take the bottle out and drink up all the \"whisky\" inside of it. Then he put it back into the other man's pocket. When the train came out of the tunnel, the man who owned the bottle took it out of his pocket, opened it up, and spit into it.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8140,
"title": "The Bottle"
},
{
"body": "Q. How do you keep a jack ass in suspense?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA. I`ll tell you tomorrow.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8141,
"title": "Suspense"
},
{
"body": "Here's a lighted dynamite stick, please hold it until I get back.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8143,
"title": "Dynamite"
},
{
"body": "Help reduce air pollution, stop breathing",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8145,
"title": "Air Pollution"
},
{
"body": "Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8146,
"title": "Talking"
},
{
"body": "Keep talking, I always yawn when I'm interested.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8147,
"title": "Keep Talking"
},
{
"body": "Your mouth is so big you could swallow a whole banana... \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n...sideways",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8149,
"title": "Big Mouth"
},
{
"body": "A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8150,
"title": "Halfwit"
},
{
"body": "As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8151,
"title": "Outsiders"
},
{
"body": "Someone dropped $50. Who do you think will pick it up?\r\n\r\nA.) An honest politician\r\nB.) A five year old child\r\nC.) Santa Claus\r\n\r\nB.) A 5 year old child, all the others aren't real.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8152,
"title": "$50"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why did the dog fall out of the tree? A. Because it was dead\r\n\r\nQ Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A. Because it was stapled to the dog!\r\n\r\nQ. Why did the tree fall over? A. Because it thought it was a game.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8153,
"title": "Falling"
},
{
"body": "1. Did you hear about the man who had a shower without getting his hair wet?\r\n\r\nHe was bald!\r\n\r\n2. Did you hear about the boy who was named after his father?\r\n\r\nHis name was Dad!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8154,
"title": "Hair & Names"
},
{
"body": "Q.) How does a blonde make a stainless ink pen?\r\n\r\nA.) She doesn't put ink in it.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8156,
"title": "Blonde Pen Invintion"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so stupid, when her softball coach said to keep her eye on the ball, she stared at the softball for 3 days straight!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8159,
"title": "Softball"
},
{
"body": "This is a true story told to me.\r\n\r\nA big city news anchor is driving along the freeway when his young son asks him, \"Daddy, what does motherf____r mean?\"\r\n\r\nHe turns to his son, \"That's a really bad word, don't ever say that again. Where did you learn that?!?!?\"\r\n\r\nHis son answers innocently, \"Well, that's what you just said about that car you said cut you off.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8160,
"title": "Where Did You Learn that From?"
},
{
"body": "Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. \"Pardon me,\" he says, turning on his best charm, \"...but is this stool taken?\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8161,
"title": "Shoo Fly"
},
{
"body": "This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath eve, announced to his congregation that he would not renew his contract. He explained that he must move on to a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush; no one wanted him to leave. \r\n\r\nSol Epstein, who owned several new car dealerships, stood up and proclaimde, \"If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!\" The congregation sighed with appreciation and applauded. \r\n\r\nSam Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stood and said, \"If the Rabbi stays here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!\" More sighs and loud applause follow.\r\n\r\nSadie Goldfarb, age 80, stood and announced with a smile, \"If the Rabbi stays, I'll give him sex!\" \r\n\r\nThere is total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asked her, \"Mrs. Goldfarb, what on Earth possessed you to say that?\" \r\n\r\nSadie's husband is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand. Sadie answered, \"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.'\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 8165,
"title": "Don't Go Rabbi!"
},
{
"body": "Two blondes are filling up at a gas station. The first one says to the other, \"I bet these awful gas prices are going even higher\". \r\nThe second replies, \"It won't affect me. I always buy exactly $10 worth\".",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8166,
"title": "Gas Prices"
},
{
"body": "Pedro was driving down the street, in a panic, because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said \"Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila.\" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said \"Never mind. I found one.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 8167,
"title": "Help Me Lord!"
},
{
"body": "A lady gynecologist, was concerned that she was be being lied to everytime she took her car in to have it worked on. She knew very little about cars, so when she heard the local college was having classes in auto repair, she signed up. She studied very hard and was one of the best students. When the final exam came she took her time and did the best she could. She got the results backand she passed with a 150 percent out of 100 percent. When she got her grade she couldn't figure it out, so she called her professor. The professor told her, \"I gave you 50 percent for passing the written test, 50 percent for taking the engine apart and putting back together, and another 50 percent for doing it thru the muffler.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 8169,
"title": "Incredible Skill"
},
{
"body": "A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy. The doctor pulls him aside and says, \" I have the most amazing news! Your boy can fly!\" The doctor sees the doubt in the father's eyes so he offers a demonstration. He picks up the little boy, holds him high in the air and lets go. The baby falls to the floor with a loud thump. \r\n\r\n\"You son of a bitch!\" screams the new father, ready to kill the doctor. \" Wait! Something must be wrong! He flew this morning. Let me try again!\" He flings the boy across the room and he slams against the wall and slides down to the floor. \r\n\r\n\"Oh my god! I am going to kill you!\" shrieks the father as he is running towards the baffeled doctor. \"No, no, wait, I know what I did wrong. I promise it will work this time.\" He opens the window and tosses the kid out. The kid of course falls seven stories and dies on the impact of the fall. By this time the father is choking the doctor. With his last breath the doctor says, \"I was just messing with you! Your son was born dead!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8170,
"title": "Mean Doctor #2"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nlife\r\nlife who?\r\nA life is what you need to get!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 8172,
"title": "LIFE"
},
{
"body": "What's gross?\r\nTwo vampires fighting over a bloody tampon. \r\n\r\nWhat's grosser than that? \r\nFinding a used condom on the bottom of a mayonnaise jar. \r\n\r\nWhat's grosser than that? \r\nWhen you open the refigerator and the rump rost farts in your face. \r\n\r\nYou want to know what's grosser than that? \r\nWhen you sit on your grandpa's lap and he pops a boner. \r\n\r\nBut the one thing that is grosser than that is when you are siting on your grandma's lap and she pops a boner.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8174,
"title": "Gross, Grosser, Grossest"
},
{
"body": "How do you catch a unique rabbit?\r\n\r\n\r\nUnique up on it.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8176,
"title": "Rabbit"
},
{
"body": "How do crazy people go through the forest?\r\n\r\n\r\nThey take the psycho path.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8177,
"title": "Forest"
},
{
"body": "What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?\r\n\r\n\r\nQuattro Sinko.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8180,
"title": "Bullfighters"
},
{
"body": "Q.) What do you ask a kid wearing a muscle shirt\r\nbut has no muscles?\r\n\r\nA.) Did you leave your muscles in your other muscle shirt?",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8182,
"title": "Muscles"
},
{
"body": "Q.)Your child poops in their pants- what do you do?\r\n\r\nA.)Drop off the child at day-care and make them change it.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8184,
"title": "Poopie"
},
{
"body": "Q) What does a blond say when she comes out of a lesbian bar?\r\nA) Wow, those people sure were friendly!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8187,
"title": "Blond Les-bar"
},
{
"body": "A wife asked her husband well you remarry if I die?\r\nHusband:(caught off guard) He said no, I already did....\r\nCRAP!!!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8188,
"title": "Remarry"
},
{
"body": "My friend Sam was taking electricity as one of his high school electives, originally being interested in robotics. Unfortunately, he changed his mind, but was still stuck with finishing his despised electricity books. \"Do you have any idea of a direction you are going to go now?\" asked my mother. He shook his head. \"No idea...\" That's when my dad jumped in. \"Well, even though you won't use it in your career, now you will know what happens electrically when you push the little red button and say 'Welcome to Sheetz, Pump 5 is on.'\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8189,
"title": "Electrically"
},
{
"body": "A blond goes up to a brunette that's wearing a puffy wig with two green ribbons on each front side.\r\nThe blond says \"NICE CAT! HOW DID YOU GET IT TO BALANCE ON YOUR HEAD?\"\r\nThe brunette tears up and says \"ITS A WIG! MY FRIENDS TOLD ME IT WAS IN FASHION AND I GUESS THEY HATE ME!!!\"\r\nThe brunette runs home and never noticed that she was talking to a blond. So in the end the brunette was a blond too.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8191,
"title": "Cat or Wig? Brunette or Blond?"
},
{
"body": "Your momma so ugly she didn't even have to dress up for Halloween, and still scared everybody, and made some people say, \"Nice costume!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8192,
"title": "Ugly-Halloween"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so stupid, she tried to kill 2 stones with one bird!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8193,
"title": "Stones and Birds"
},
{
"body": "Billymac: \"Those there are award winnin' cows.\"\r\nBubbaJr.: \"What'd they do?\"\r\nBillymac: \"They're outstandin' in their field\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8194,
"title": "Award-winning Cows"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if..... you went weeks without food or shelter just so you could have front row seats to a Brooks-n'-Dunn concert.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8195,
"title": "A Concert"
},
{
"body": "If \"poly\" means \"many\" and a tic is a bloodsucking creature, than what are politicians?",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 8199,
"title": "Politicians"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a dog without legs?\r\n\r\nIt doesn't matter - he won't come, anyway.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8200,
"title": "Dog Without Legs"
},
{
"body": "A blond and her friends went to a bank to rob it. The blond's job was to get the code for the vault they wanted to rob. Finally, the blond came back to the vault and began punching in numbers. Each time she typed in a number it beeped a different sound. A friend asked, \"Do you know the code?\"\r\n\r\nThe blond said, \"No, but listen.\" She made a whole bunch of beeps then said, \"It's the funky town music!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8201,
"title": "The Code"
},
{
"body": "Q.)Why do kids pick their nose?\r\n\r\nA.)BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO DARN LAZY TO GET A TISSUE\r\nAND THEIR FAVORITE SHOW IS ON. EVEN THOUGH THEY'VE SEEN IT 1 HUNDRED TIMES, CAN'T MISS A SECOND TO GET A TISSUE, WHEN THEY HAVE THEIR FINGER FOR FAST AND EASY ANSWER FOR THEIR BOGERY NOSE!\r\n\r\nQ.) How do you make them stop?\r\n\r\nA.) Glue a tissue box full of tissues to their head.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8202,
"title": "Bogers"
},
{
"body": "Q.) What does a blond think a leprechaun is?\r\n\r\nA.) An elf. But she only sees it when it's near the holidays and has drunk an Irish drink. Even though her parents keep telling her they aren't real...",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8203,
"title": "Oooooooooooook"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why do people have small dogs?\r\n\r\nA: So they can carry them in their bags, and when the person farts, they can blame it on the dog.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8204,
"title": "Small Dogs"
},
{
"body": "To all who do NOT believe in evolution, I have proof:\r\nMY spaghetti from two weeks ago has started growing arms and legs and I think it just called me, \"Mommy\". \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBy the way, I, myself, do NOT believe in the theory of evolution.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8205,
"title": "Proof of Evolution"
},
{
"body": "You're a redneck if: \r\n\r\nThe only thing you swing a bat at is a mailbox.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8207,
"title": "You're a Redneck If... #1"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\n\r\nYour mother has ammo on her Christmas list!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8209,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #3"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if:\r\n\r\nDirections to your house include ''Turn off the paved road...''",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8210,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #4"
},
{
"body": "The funniest bumper sticker is: \r\n\r\n\r\nKeep honking I'm reloading!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8213,
"title": "The Funniest Bumper Sticker Ever"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\nYou like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8214,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #5"
},
{
"body": "Where do cats go to find their tail? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThe retail store.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8215,
"title": "A Cat's Tail"
},
{
"body": "What does a grape say when it gets squished? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nNothing, it just lets out a little whine.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8216,
"title": "Grapes"
},
{
"body": "Many employers motivate workers with bonuses. Some offer gym memberships, a few even supply day care for their working mothers and fathers. Our bosses go a step further. A sign posted in our break room read:\r\nNew Incentive Plan . . . Work or get fired!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 8218,
"title": "Benefits Plan"
},
{
"body": "There's a man with three daughters. \r\n\r\nThe first daughter(a Brunette) comes up and says \"Daddy why'd you name me Daisy\" the dad says\" 'cause when you were born a daisy fell on your head.\"\r\n\r\nThe second daughter (a red-head) comes up and says \"Daddy why'd you name me Rose\" the dad says \"'cause when you were born a rose fell on your head.\"\r\n\r\nThe third daughter (a blonde) comes up and says \"kjaglifvgjlfj\" the dad says \"SHUTUP CINDERBLOCK\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8219,
"title": "CinderBlock"
},
{
"body": "I used to be schizophrenic, but now we're just fine",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8220,
"title": "I Used to Be..."
},
{
"body": "Q: How many polititians does it take to screw in a \r\n light bulb?\r\n\r\nA: 6 \r\nClinton to start the screwing enitiative,\r\n \r\nNixon to steal public tax money to campain for the support of the light bulb initiative,\r\n\r\nJimmy Carter to bore people to death about the campain\r\n\r\nReagan to reasure the American public that it is necesary and ok to change the light bulb\r\n\r\nBush jr. to make a mess of the initiative........\r\n\r\n.........and Hillary to come smack the s#%@ out of her husband for screwing around!!!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 8221,
"title": "Politics..."
},
{
"body": "Sometimes, I worry about you...\r\n\r\n\r\nBut then i remember that my mom told me never to anthropomorphize.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8224,
"title": "Insert Witty Title Here"
},
{
"body": "A woman is having a problem with her closet door, it was falling off every time a bus was passing by. \r\n\r\nSo she called a repair man. \r\n\r\nThe repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls off every time a bus passes by. \r\n\r\n\"OK, I'm going to see what is going on, just close the door behind me\" and he steps into the closet. \r\n\r\nJust then, the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. \r\n\r\nHusband: \"What the hell are you doing here!\" \r\n\r\nRepairman: \"Well, you're not going to believe it, but I'm waiting for a bus!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 8229,
"title": "Repairman"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender's having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned. \r\n\r\n\"Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?\" \r\n\r\nThe guy answers, \"I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. \"So you came home and found cream on the weight?\" \r\n\r\nThe guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, \"It's worse than that. The cream had turned into butter.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8230,
"title": "Cream"
},
{
"body": "The following actually occured last year in a resturaunt in Redford, Michigan. \r\n________________________________________________\r\nSo........There's an empty bar,at the far right a man\r\nwalks up, sits down, and orders a ginger ale.\r\n\r\nAnother guy sits down at the opposite side of the bar a few minutes later and orders a glass of white wine. He says aloud in a quiet voice, \"How could our President try to stop gay marriage?\"\r\n\r\nThen the man at the far right answered, \"Because marriage is bettween a man and a women and anyone who disagrees is going to have to change how they feel eventually if they want to go to heaven.\" (He sips his ginger ale, and puts his head in his hand to support himself.)\r\n\r\n\"But really why? That seems so biased. It just doesn't seem fair. Why must he do this?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because my God deems such things unlawful, and apparently the President seems to agree with him.\"\r\n\r\n\"Really...\"(noding his head in an inquisetive way, expecting to be enlightend). He asked, \"What else does your God disaprove of?\"\r\n\r\n\"Pork.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 8233,
"title": "The Strugle For \"sence-able\" Truth...As is"
},
{
"body": "Q.) What kind of service has a two for one \"Tuesday\" special?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA.) Yo mama!!!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8235,
"title": "A Special For Two"
},
{
"body": "A boy came back from school and noticed that his father was wearing his weeding ring at the wrong finger. He asked his father, \"Why are you wearing your ring on the wrong hand and finger?\" And the father said,\"Because I married the wrong wife.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8236,
"title": "Wrong Wife"
},
{
"body": "Quasimodo, the bell-ringer for the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, goes to the cardinal. \"Cardinal, I'm getting pretty old and I'd like to retire, and live the rest of my life peacefully.\" The cardinal says, \"That's fine Quasi, we'll just let the town crier know so he can put out the call to find a new bell-ringer.\" The cardinal does this, and both he and Quasimodo hear the town crier announcing the job opening.\r\n\tAfter about three weeks, they are shocked because they haven't had anyone come for the job opening. The cardinal and Quasimodo are down on the steps talking, \"Quasi,\" said the cardinal, \"I'm sorry to say this but I can't let you go retire. We don't have anyone to ring the bells if you go. We'll keep the job offer open to anyone, but no one seems to want to do it.\" As he was speaking, an armless man runs up, and out of breath says, \"I'm --- here about --- the bell -- ringing job. Is it still --- available?\" The cardinal looks to Quasimodo and says, \"Hey, it's your choice to try him out.\" Quasimodo nods his shoulders and leads the man up to the bell tower.\r\n\tAs they arrive on the platform, Quasimodo explains to the man how the job works. \"Well, you take this large rope here and pull on it really hard, which moves the bell, causing the clapper inside the bell to hit the sides and make it ring. As you can well guess, we pull the rope once for each hour. It's almost three 'o' clock now, so I'll ring the bell the first time, and you have to ring it the second time.\" He looks out the window, watches the sun for a moment, then goes over and pulls the bell rope. *CLANG* the bell rings. \"Ok, you're turn.\"\r\n\tThe armless man goes over to the rope and tries to get a good pull on it by grabbing it with his shoulder and head, pulling it with his teeth, stepping on the rope all to no avail. \"Come on man, it was only 1 'o' clock two hours ago, we gotta get this bell rung.\" The man, obviously flustered, looks around. He then takes about ten steps away from the bell and leans forward. Then, as fast as his legs can carry him, he charges at the bell. *CLANG* the bell rings from the man's head hitting the bell. Quasimodo cringes as the man stumbles around for a moment. \"Sorry to have to say this, but you have to ring that bell one more time,\" says Quasimodo. The man stumbles around for another moment and then steps back, and runs at the bell again. *CLANG* the bell goes off again. Right as Quasimodo is about to tell the guy \"Good Job\", the man, still dazed, stumbles around and falls out the window, all the way to the steps of the cathedral below, dying instantly.\r\n\tThe cardinal runs out to the man's body, turns around and looks at the window the man fell from, and Quasimodo is now leaning out of. \"Quasimodo, get your ass down here NOW!\" he yells. Quasimodo runs down to the front of the cathedral, and in front of the enraged cardinal. \"Quasi, I thought we fixed the problem we had before and you promised you weren't going to throw people from the bell tower. What the hell happened?!?\" Quasimodo explains the story to him. The cardinal then says, \"Well, we should let his family know about this. Did he tell you his name, where he lived, anything?\" \r\n\tQuasimodo answers him, \"No, we never even mentioned his name or where he was from. I don't know anything about him, but his face sure rings a bell.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 8238,
"title": "Bell-Ringer"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why don't blond chicks date blond guys?\r\n\r\nA: To avoid inbreeding.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8241,
"title": "You Never See Them Together"
},
{
"body": "Vini vedi velcro\r\n(I came, I saw, I stuck around)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8245,
"title": "Vini Vedi Velcro"
},
{
"body": "So two farmers are standing next to a cow and one farmer says:\r\n\r\n1st guy: \"Hey Larry, you know how your birthday's tomorrow?\"\r\n2nd guy: \"Uh huh.\"\r\n1st guy: \"I made a cake.\"\r\n2nd guy: \"Uh huh.\"\r\n\r\n......*long pause*......\r\n\r\nCow: \"Hey Larry, you know how your birthday's tomorrow?\"\r\n2nd guy:\"Uh huh.\"\r\nCow: \"I made a pie.\"\r\n2nd guy:\"Uh huh.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8246,
"title": "I Made a Pie"
},
{
"body": "Here are some things learned in MY lifetime: \r\n\r\n1) If you want something very bad and your parents won't let you, give them a lower lip, blink your eyes really fast, and say please 3,000 times until they crack. \r\n\r\n2) NEVER ask your dad about Shakespeare or Math homework, unless you want a 5 hour lecture. \r\n\r\n3) NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS unless if they have free candy and aren't Michael Jackson. \r\n\r\n4) If anyone bullies you, just laugh and think, \"MAN!, I can't wait for them to be dead.\" \r\n\r\n5) If you do succeed in something, dont brag, just gloat. \r\n\r\n6) When things look bad, give them to the homeless. \r\n\r\n7) When you're in a fist fight, ALWAYS KNEE THEM IN THE FAMILY JEWELS then run away until it's December. \r\n\r\n8) When your sad, don't get mad, get even. \r\n\r\n9) When your parents are telling you something important, pretend you're listening and nod your head like you are agreeing. \r\n\r\n10) The Holy Water at Church isn't water to drink. \r\n\r\n11) When you get a bad grade on something, and your parents say why did you get this horrible grade, always say you did the best you could. \r\n\r\n12) NEVER ask a dork for the time of the Bears Game. \r\n\r\n13) When you are in love, don't do it in school, do it after school behind the dumpster. \r\n\r\n14) When you are in trouble, urge your way to be in your room. (with the gameboy, X box, T.V. and PS2.) \r\n\r\n15) In football, when the quarterback says HIKE, that doesn't mean that he got kicked in the ass. \r\n\r\n16) When Spongebob rips his pants, that's normal. \r\n\r\n17) When you are in Religion and you are daydreaming and the teacher says, \"And so the answer is what, ( your name )?\" Just say \"GOD\" it's the answer to pretty much anything. Right? \r\n\r\n18) Always order pizza saying \"Why\" after every question the waiter says. \r\n\r\n19) When people on the street are selling those suckers and they take your money to foundations, as sweet as it may be, never take the sucker, you never know where it has been. \r\n\r\n20) When you lose the romote, look under you. \r\n\r\n Well I hope you like these interesting things and take note to them.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8247,
"title": "What I Leraned In MY Lifetime So Far #1"
},
{
"body": "Q.) Why do homeless people love to go to church?\r\n\r\nA.) There is always free water.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 8248,
"title": "Homeless"
},
{
"body": "You Are A Redneck If:\r\n\r\nYou light a match in your bathroom and it blows your house off its wheels!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8249,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #7"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a lion wearing a hat?\r\n\r\nA Dandy Lion.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8254,
"title": "Lion in a Hat"
},
{
"body": "Q.) Why did the dog go to court? \r\n\r\nA.) Because it got a barking ticket.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8256,
"title": "Doggy Court"
},
{
"body": "Q: What is a cheerleader's favorite drink? \r\n\r\nA: Root Beer!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8257,
"title": "Cheerleaders"
},
{
"body": "If you ask a Bears fan what his or her two favorite teams are they would be: \r\n\r\n- The Bears \r\n\r\n- And whoever the Green Bay Packers are playing.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 8258,
"title": "Chicago V.s. Green Bay"
},
{
"body": "Mrs. Blondie, do swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, god?\r\n\r\nYes I do.\r\n------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nQ. Mrs. Blondie did you ever stay all night with this man in California?\r\n\r\nA. I refuse to answer that question.\r\n\r\nQ. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Michigan?\r\n\r\nA. I refuse to answer that question.\r\n\r\nQ. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?\r\n\r\nA. No.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8261,
"title": "Did You-Did You Not"
},
{
"body": "8 dumb headlines!\r\n Can you figure out what they are trying to say?\r\n\r\n\r\n1. Subway Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut -New York times\r\n\r\n2. Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link -Cornell Daily Sun\r\n\r\n3. Low Wages Said Key To Poverty -Newsday\r\n\r\n4. Malls Try To Atract Shoppers- Baltimore Sun\r\n\r\n5. Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought -Westport Herald News\r\n\r\n6. Teenage Girls Often Have Babies Fathered By Men- Oregonian\r\n\r\n7. Man Shoots Neighbor With Machete\r\n\r\n8. Free Advice: Bundle Up When Out In The Cold -Lexington Herald-Leader",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8262,
"title": "8 Dumb Headlines"
},
{
"body": "I'm racist because I have colored TV.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8263,
"title": "TV Because..."
},
{
"body": "What do you say to Mexican with a high salary?\r\n\r\nCan I have ketchup on those fries?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8265,
"title": "My Mexican Guy"
},
{
"body": "Kung Chow called his boss and said: \"Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work.\"\r\n\r\nThe boss says: \"Kung Chow I really need you today.\r\nWhen I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.\"\r\n\r\nTwo hours later Kung Chow calls again: \"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8270,
"title": "Too Sick to Come to Work"
},
{
"body": "What did the Chinese people call their retarded son?\r\n\r\nSum Ting Wong",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8271,
"title": "China=stupid"
},
{
"body": "Now I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. \r\n\r\nI haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. \r\n\r\nIf you would do this for me no one would ever know. \r\n\r\nI am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. \r\n\r\nI am very desperate and I need your help. \r\n\r\nYou must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. \r\n\r\nI am not going to beat around the bush any longer, so - \r\n\r\nDo you have a piece of gum?",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8274,
"title": "I Need it Badly"
},
{
"body": "A Christian, playing an active role in his church's activites, backslided and started leading a wayward life. He was usually drunk most of the time and on one occasion, as he was staggering back home after leaving a beer parlor, he fell into a gutter.\r\n He staggered back up, put one leg inside the gutter and kept going like that until his pastor saw him. \"What are you doing brother?\" the pastor asked while pulling him out of the gutter. The drunk then started shouting, \"I am healed, I am healed, praise the Lord.\"\r\n The embarrassed pastor then said, \"I only pulled you out of the gutter,\" The drunk then stuttered, \"Lord of Mercy, I thought I had been crippled by God.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 8280,
"title": "Lord of Mercy"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?\r\n\r\nHomeless!\r\n\r\n\r\nP.S. This works for just about any instrument player.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8281,
"title": "Drummers"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? WELL HUNG",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8282,
"title": "FAT FINGERS"
},
{
"body": "Q) What do you call an ant from overseas?\r\n\r\n\r\nA) Important",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8283,
"title": "Ant"
},
{
"body": "A cannibal went to a brain store one day because he was craving brains. he decided he wanted to try a musician's brains to see if they taste any different.\r\n\r\nHe looked around and saw the prices.\r\n\r\nTrumpet Brains-$25.00/pound\r\nTrombone Brains-$1.00/pound\r\nPercussion Brains- 10.00/pound\r\nTuba Brains-$0.50/pound \r\nColorguard Brains-$0.25/pound\r\nClairinet Brains-$1000.00/pound\r\nFlute Brains-$0.50/pound\r\n\r\nSo the cannibal turned and saw a man that worked there. He said to the guy: \r\n\r\n\"Why are the clarinet brains so expensive?\" \r\n\r\nThe man replied \"DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CLAIRINET PLAYERS YOU HAVE TO KILL TO GET ONE POUND OF BRAINS?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8287,
"title": "Why Are The Clairinet Players Brains So Expensive"
},
{
"body": "I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8289,
"title": "Unlikable"
},
{
"body": "What is Kermit the Frog's middle name?\r\n\r\nThe.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8290,
"title": "What's Kermit the Frog's Middle Name?"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so poor, she cleans her shoes with a pencil.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8294,
"title": "So Poor"
},
{
"body": "\"Wow,\" said Joan after she saw that her friend got glasses. \r\n\r\n\"You like my new glasses?\", asked Peter.\r\n\r\n\"Yep. They make you look really smart.\", replied Joan.\r\n\r\n\"I know. That's what my mom said. That's why I wear them in math class.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8295,
"title": "Glasses!"
},
{
"body": "In the future, man is exploring the universe. Due to the excessive cost, they can only send out small teams of explorers to search and investigate the millions of planets they come across. One such team lands on a barren planet that seems to be just one big rock. As they investigate, their sensors pick up life signs. They follow the sensor until they come up on a large stone sentinel (guard) crouched down with its arms around its legs. They can detect life signs from it, but it doesn't move, doesn't appear to breathe. \r\nThey call back to their commanders on Earth and report this abnormal situation. Because of this, many great scientific minds, military generals, politicians, and technical wizards are sent to try to interact with this leviathan. After many months, every walk of life has come to try to communicate with the sentinel, but nothing happens. It just sits there with its arms around its legs.\r\nFinally, one of the teamsters who sets up the stage occasionally when some big-shot dignitary comes thinking he can do better than the smartest people in the galaxy. He turns to the sentinel and in frustration yells, \"Will this thing EVER communicate with us?!?!?!\"\r\nSuddenly the sound of stone grinding against stone starts, and the great stone sentinel stands up. It scratches its chin pensively, then blurts out, \"No.\" It then crouches down again and assumes the same position it was in before.\r\n\r\nAnother teamster who saw this turns to the man who yelled at the sentinel originally and says, \"Well, it only stands to reason.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8297,
"title": "Space Exploration at Its Best!"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so fat, that when she finally lost her spare tire, she still had an 18 wheeler to go!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8300,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "What did the popsicle say to the lollypop as he was leaving?\r\n\r\nSo long, sucker!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8302,
"title": "Lollypop"
},
{
"body": "What did the lollipop say to the popsicle?\r\n\r\n'Cool, dude!'",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8303,
"title": "Popsicle"
},
{
"body": "Hey! Is that your head or did your neck blow a bubble?!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8305,
"title": "Bubblehead"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? \r\nA: Because the chicken had the day off!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8307,
"title": "Chicken"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\nYour shotgun is named after your girlfriend.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8309,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #9"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\nyou have the same number of teeth as you have fingers.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8310,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #10"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\nyou've ever killed someone over a \"kick me\" sign.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8311,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #11"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\nyou've ever searched for gold in your grandpa's chest and had your fingers taken off by the booby trap within.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8312,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #12"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\nyou won money of your dead grandpa by playing\r\npoker with him.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8313,
"title": "You are a Redneck If ... #13"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\nyou've ever had to towel dry after a fart.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8314,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #14"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\nyou have a glass eye collection.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8315,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #15"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if:\r\n\r\nYour pet groundhog has ever bitten more than one of your thumbs off.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8316,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #16"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if:\r\n\r\none wall of your home is a tarp.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8317,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #17"
},
{
"body": "When I was a little boy, I was considered clever \r\nfor my age.\r\n\r\nWhen you were a little boy, you must have eaten\r\npaint chips.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8318,
"title": "When I was a Little Boy...."
},
{
"body": "Q) How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? \r\n A) 25! \r\n\r\nOne to mix the batter and 24 to peel the m&m's.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8320,
"title": "HOW MANY BLONDES?"
},
{
"body": "I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add to it.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8321,
"title": "Powdered Water"
},
{
"body": "I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. \"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!\" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8322,
"title": "Stay!"
},
{
"body": "How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8323,
"title": "Invisible Ink"
},
{
"body": "For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8324,
"title": "Humid"
},
{
"body": "Droughts happen because God didn't pay his water bill.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 8325,
"title": "Droughts"
},
{
"body": "Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8327,
"title": "Change"
},
{
"body": "\"Ahhhh...\"\r\n\r\n\"Mike! What's wrong?\"\r\n\r\n\"I-I had a nightmare.\"\r\n\r\n\"What was the nightmare?\"\r\n\r\n\"I-I-\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes?\"\r\n\r\n\"I-I-\"\r\n\r\n\"Spit it out!\"\r\n\r\n\"I-I went to heaven.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8330,
"title": "Lifetimes of Susie and Mike"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\nyou've shaved off your eyebrows and taped them to a little kid's back.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8334,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #18"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\nYou've ever bought steel-toed boots, only to remove the steel to patch a hole in your trailer.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8335,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #19"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\nyou've ever had a family feud over a litter of coondogs.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8336,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #20"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\nyou use a handful of creek mud as birth control.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8337,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #21"
},
{
"body": "Do you know how old hags tell time?\r\n*\r\n**\r\n***\r\n****\r\n*****\r\n******\r\n*******\r\n********\r\n*******\r\n******\r\n*****\r\n****\r\n***\r\n**\r\n*\r\n**\r\n***\r\n****\r\n*****\r\n******\r\n*******\r\n********\r\n*******\r\n******\r\n*****\r\n****\r\n***\r\n**\r\n*\r\n**\r\n***\r\n****\r\n*****\r\n******\r\n*******\r\n********\r\n*******\r\n******\r\n*****\r\n****\r\n***\r\n**\r\n*\r\n**\r\n***\r\n****\r\n*****\r\n******\r\n*******\r\n********\r\n*******\r\n******\r\n*****\r\n****\r\n***\r\n**\r\n*\r\nA witch-watch!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8338,
"title": "Old Hags"
},
{
"body": "The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8339,
"title": "Open Mind"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\nyou've ever held a lifelong grudge over a spelling bee.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8340,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #22"
},
{
"body": "(This is from my friend, Mitchell. It was very funny at first when we first heard him say it at lunch, and I figured I would share it.)\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so fat, she ate a grenade and the explosion didn't even make it out!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8341,
"title": "Yo Momma's Grenade"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\nyou've ever gotten a headache reading the newspaper.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8342,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #23"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\nyou've ever dislodged a sunflower seed from the corner of your eye.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8343,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #24"
},
{
"body": "One day, a little boy came up to a man at the park.\r\n\r\nThe boy asked the man, \"Why do you have a big nose?\"\r\n\r\nThe man answered, \"Because...I have big fingers.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8346,
"title": "Big Nose"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat ,\r\nShe uses a pillow for a tampon.\r\n\r\n------------------------------------\r\nYo momma is so stupid ,\r\nThat when her boyfriend said, \"Lets do it doggie-style\r\ntonight,\" she sat down and licked her ass.\r\n\r\n-------------------------------------\r\nYo momma is so dumb ,\r\nThat she was arrested for taking a dump at a construction site next to a sign that read, \"Dump waste here.\"\r\n \r\n-------------------------------------\r\nYo momma is so fat ,\r\nThat when she farted, your dad ran away yelling, \"It's a tornado. Hide!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8348,
"title": "4 Indescrete Facts.."
},
{
"body": "My goal is to find a soulmate. \r\n\r\n\r\nIt's not cheating, just multi-tasking.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8349,
"title": "Looking For that Special Someone."
},
{
"body": "Which sweet is very clever?\r\n\r\nA Smartie",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8358,
"title": "Sweets"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the hand cross the road?\r\n\r\nA: To get to the second-hand shop!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8359,
"title": "Hand"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock!\r\nWho's there?\r\nToby.\r\nToby who?\r\nToby or not toby that is the question!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 8360,
"title": "Shakespeare"
},
{
"body": "Q) What is:\r\n\r\nBlack\r\nWhite\r\nBlack\r\nWhite\r\nBlack\r\nWhite?\r\n\r\nA) A nun rolling down a hill.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 8364,
"title": "Nuns"
},
{
"body": "I've been following the ongoing Evolution vs Intelligent Design controversy, and as a card-carrying botanist, I'm a very strong supporter of Darwin. But still, there are things in life that rational science simply cannot explain. \r\n\r\n\r\nLike Paris Hilton...",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8366,
"title": "And the Answer Is......"
},
{
"body": "Q. How many acountants does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA. 1 at a fixed rate of 3.5% income return after purchase for every bulb replaced over a 6 year plan, with projected inflation expected to rise to over $1.25 per bulb in 2006.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 8369,
"title": "How Many Acountants Do It......."
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's arms are so short that she has to tilt her head to scratch her ears.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8372,
"title": "Arms So Short"
},
{
"body": "THIS JOKE IS NOT MEANT TO OFFEND ANYBODY\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThere's this guy Joe who has a parrot that he adores. Well, Joe has to go on a trip and doesn't know what to do about his parrot.\r\n\r\nThree of his buddies, who live together, offer to take him in. The three guys are Norwegian, Swiss, and African-American. Joe completely trusts these guys so he leaves his parrot with them for the week.\r\n\r\nWhen Joe comes back he find his bird all bandaged up. He has a broken wing, a fractured leg, and bruises all over.\r\n\r\nHe asks his parrot, \"Well, what happened?\" The parrot replies \"I kind of got beat up\"\r\n\r\nJoe asks, \"Was it the Norwegian?\" \r\n\r\nThe parrot says, \"No, he was very nice.\"\r\n\r\nJoe again asks, \"Well, was it the Swiss?\"\r\n\r\nThe parrot replies,\"Nope, not at all.\"\r\n\r\nJoe say \"So it was the \u00e2\u0080\u0093\"\r\n\r\nThe parrot cuts him off, says, \"We don't use that word any more.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8374,
"title": "The Parrot"
},
{
"body": "One beautiful morning, a husband and wife decided to go for a drive in the country. Unfortunately, no matter which road they took, they kept seeing dead possums lying on the shoulder.\r\n\r\nAfter several miles of this, the husband turned to his wife and said, \"Now I think I know the answer to the age-old question 'Why did the chicken cross the road?'\"\r\n\r\n\"What is it?\" she asked.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" he replied, \"it was to prove to the possums that it could be done.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8376,
"title": "Chicken Vs. Possum"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nAccordion. \r\nAccordion who?\r\nAccordion to the t.v., it's going to be cold out.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 8379,
"title": "Accordion"
},
{
"body": "You should have no doubt in your mind that \r\nyou are in a redneck family.....\r\n\r\nWhen your uncle drunkenly approaches you, slaps you on the back, grabs your face and murmurs \"Heaeh kiiiiiiid, I think it's a good thing I used a condum.\r\n\r\nAnd walks off slowy, mumbling. \"Cause your mamoo gets realy piiist when she's pregnant........\"\r\n\r\nAnd in disbelief, you look around to find your mom.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8382,
"title": "The Reason You Were Almost Never Born....."
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so ugly, that they pushed her face into cookie dough to make gorilla cookies.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8384,
"title": "Dough"
},
{
"body": "When everything's coming up roses, it's time to celebrate. But, when everything's coming up daisies, it's time to mourn.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8385,
"title": "Daisies Vs. Roses"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny's father says to him, \"When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope. Tell her that since you are now 18 this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression her face.\"\r\n\r\n\"OK\" replied Little Johnny.\r\n\r\nLater when Little Johnny got home he said to his mom, \"Mom, Dad asked me \r\nto give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face.\"\r\n\r\n\"Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face.\" replied Little Johnny's mother.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8389,
"title": "Little Johnny's Child Support"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny was running away from home, crying his eyes out, when he ran across a policeman.\r\n\r\n\"Where are you going, Little Johnny?\" asked the cop.\r\n\r\n\"I'm running away from home,\" sobbed Little Johnny.\r\n\r\nThe cop asked him, \"Why would you want to do something like that?\"\r\n\r\n\"My mommy and daddy don't love me any more\", he bawled.\r\n\r\n\"What would make you think that?\" queries the cop.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" says Little Johnny, \"I asked my Mom for a brand new pair of roller skates, and she said that they couldn't afford it, the mortgage was too high.\"\r\n\r\n\"That doesn't mean she doesn't love you,\" the cop says\r\n\r\n\"No, no, no\", says Little Johnny, \"you don't understand. Then I asked my dad for a new bicycle and he said that they couldn't afford it because their mortgage was too high.\"\r\n\r\n\"Still,\" replies the cop, \"they might be having financial difficulties right now, but I am sure that they love you.\"\r\n\r\n\"NO!\" wails Little Johnny, \"you really don't understand. I haven't told you the worst part yet. I was outside mommy and daddy's door last night, and I heard daddy scream, I'm pulling out! and then mommy yelled, I'm coming, too! and I'm telling you, right here and right now, they're NOT leaving ME with that fucking mortgage!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8390,
"title": "Mortgage"
},
{
"body": "Two young met while studying in seminary, Matthew Anderson and Anthony Sicola. They become great friends, but also become very competitive between each other. They both graduate #1 and #2 in their class, with Anthony being #1 and Matthew being #2. They then both go to their new parishes, which instantly become hugely popular. For years the two of them rise through the ranks of the Catholic Church, becoming bishops, arch-bishops, and cardinals around the same time. Always though, Anthony is considered the slightly better of the two. \r\nEventually, the reigning Pope passes away, and the College of Cardinals is convened to choose the next Pope. They debate for days until the list is down to just two names, Anthony and Matthew. After another day or two of deliberation, the white smoke is seen, and they make the announcement, Matthew Anderson will be the next Pope. \r\nAnthony, happy for his friend, is perturbed because he knows in his heart that he is better and would make a better Pope. He pleads for time in front of the College of Cardinals, and is granted an audience. He asks them why they decided on Matthew and not him. For a few quiet, still minutes, not a single person talks. Then an old cardinal in the back speaks up. \"Anthony, we know you are the better of the two, but we ultimately had to come to a decision. That decision is that we just could not live with ourselves if we named the next Pope, Pope Sicola.\"\r\n\r\nHint:\r\nRead \"Pope Sicola\" quickly if you don't get the punch line.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 8391,
"title": "A Tale of Two Popes"
},
{
"body": "How long does it take a blond to change a lightbulb?\r\nThey never change it, by the time they've realized that it's broken, the world would of ended.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8394,
"title": "End of the World"
},
{
"body": "A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. \r\n\r\nHe says, \"So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?\" \r\n\r\nShe says, \"Bernie, I want a divorce.\" \r\n\r\n\"My goodness,\" he says, \"I wasn't planning on spending that much.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8396,
"title": "Birthday"
},
{
"body": "The voluptuous blonde entered the dentist's office in an obvious state of agitation. She sat down in the chair and fidgeted nervously as the dentist prepared his utensils. \r\n\r\n\"Oh, doctor,\" she exclaimed, as he prepared to look into her mouth. \"I'm so afraid of dentists. Why, I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth drilled.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, miss,\" said the dentist impatiently, \"better make up your mind before I adjust the chair.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 8400,
"title": "Chair"
},
{
"body": "The blonde teenage girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house. \r\n\r\nWhen she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants. \r\n\r\n\"I suppose you know what this is?\" he whispered. \r\n\r\n\"I sure do,\" she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, \"I'd like to say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 8401,
"title": "Radio DJ"
},
{
"body": "I always follow my first instinct,\r\n\r\nThat is unless I second guess myself.\r\n---------------------------------------------\r\nWhy don't you have a drink,\r\n\r\nyour only driving to a funeral right?\r\n---------------------------------------------\r\nWhy buy a watch from the competitor,\r\n\r\nI thought time was against us?\r\n----------------------------------------------\r\nYou must be smart,\r\n\r\nbecause you just confused us all.\r\n----------------------------------------------",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8404,
"title": "4 Things that You Don't Like to be Told,but Secretly Agree With."
},
{
"body": "Job Interview Quotations: \r\n\r\nVice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.\r\n\r\nA job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. \r\n\r\nAn interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. \r\n\r\nA candidate fell and broke arm during interview. \r\n\r\nA candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office. \r\n\r\nA candidate explained that one of her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer. \r\n\r\nA candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. \r\n\r\nA balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. \r\n\r\nAn applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. \r\n\r\nAn applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. \r\n\r\nA candidate brought large dog to interview. \r\n\r\nAn applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. \r\n\r\nA candidate dozed off during interview. \r\n\r\nThe employers were also asked to list the \"most unusual\" questions that have been asked by job candidates. \r\n\r\n\"What is it that you people do at this company?\" \r\n\r\n\"What is the company motto?\" \r\n\r\n\"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?\" \r\n\r\n\"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?\" \r\n\r\n\"Why do you want references?\" \r\n\r\n\"Do I have to dress for the next interview?\" \r\n\r\n\"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?\" \r\n\r\n\"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?\" \r\n\r\n\"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?\" \r\n\r\n\"Does your health insurance cover pets?\" \r\n\r\n\"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?\" \r\n\r\n\"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?\" \r\n\r\n\"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?\" \r\n\r\n\"Why am I here?\" \r\n\r\nAlso included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process. \r\n\r\nI have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement. \r\n\r\nAt times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking. \r\n\r\nI feel uneasy indoors. \r\n\r\nSometimes I feel like smashing things. \r\n\r\nWomen should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars. \r\n\r\nI think that Lincoln was greater than Washington. \r\n\r\nI get excited very easily. \r\n\r\nI am fascinated by fire. \r\n\r\nI like tall women. \r\n\r\nPeople are always watching me. \r\n\r\nIf I get too much change in a store, I always give it back. \r\n\r\nI must admit that I am a pretty fair talker. \r\n\r\nI never get hungry. \r\n\r\nI know who is responsible for most of my troubles \r\n\r\nIf the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival. \r\n\r\nI would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me. \r\n\r\nI think I'm going to throw up.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 8406,
"title": "46 Real Job Quotations..."
},
{
"body": "Knock,knock....\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nFortification.\r\n\r\nFortification who?\r\n\r\nFortification, we're going to Miami.\r\n---------------------------------------------\r\nKnock,knock....\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nCarl.\r\n\r\nCarl who?\r\n\r\nCarl get you there faster than a bike.\r\n-----------------------------------------------",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 8407,
"title": "Fortification"
},
{
"body": "While on a game show, Justins had to identify a number of sounds. When she heard this: *laughter then plop, plop, plop* she identified it correctly right away. What did she say?\r\n\r\nAn audience laughing it's head off",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8408,
"title": "Plop Plop Plop"
},
{
"body": "Why don't vegetarian women scream during orgasms?\r\nThey refuse to admit that a piece of meat gives them pleasure!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8411,
"title": "Vegetarian Woman"
},
{
"body": "1) A clear concience is a sign of a bad memory.\r\n\r\n2) For every action,there is an equal and opposite \r\n critisism.\r\n\r\n3) He who hesitates is probably right.\r\n\r\n4) Eagles may soar,but weasels don't get sucked\r\n into jet engines.\r\n\r\n5) I went to find some camouflage clothing,but\r\n I couldn't find it.\r\n\r\n6) My wife went to a self help group for compulsive\r\n talkers,it's called On & On Anon.\r\n\r\n7) I'm reading a terrific book about anti-gravity,\r\n I just can't put it down.\r\n\r\n8) I allways wanted to be somebody,I guess I should\r\n have been more specific...\r\n\r\n9) If you are what you eat,I'm dead meat.\r\n\r\n10) Middle age is having two temptations and\r\n choosing the one that will get you home earlier.\r\n\r\n11) Seen it all,done it all,just can't remember most \r\n of it.\r\n\r\n12) Its a cruel choice,work or daytime tellevision.\r\n\r\n13) I intend to live forever -------- so far,so good.\r\n\r\n14) I have seen the truth and it makes no sence.\r\n\r\n15) The best part about computers is that they make\r\n very fast mistakes.\r\n------------------------------------------------------------",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8412,
"title": "15 0ld Stanbys..."
},
{
"body": "If a man is in a forest, talking to himself, with no women around, is he still wrong?\r\n\r\nIf a woman is in a forest, talking to herself, with no\r\nman around, is she still complaining?\r\n--------------------------------------------------------\r\nDid you know that the shortest sentence in the\r\nEnglish language is \"I am\"?\r\n\r\nDid you know that the longest sentence is\r\n\"I do\"?\r\n--------------------------------------------------------\r\nSex is hereditary. If your parents didn't have it,\r\nchances are that you won't either.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8413,
"title": "Lost in a Forest Forever ......"
},
{
"body": "An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, so he calls his grandson to his bed.\r\n\r\n\"Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna you for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.\"\r\n\r\n\"But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead.\"\r\n\r\n\"You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambina. Am I right?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes grandpa, I guess so.\"\r\n\r\n\"Ok, so soma day you gonna come home and maybe finda you wife in bed with anotha man. Whada you gonna do? Pointa to da watch and say, ... TIMES UP!?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8417,
"title": "Italian Mafia Don"
},
{
"body": "You might just be a redneck if your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8418,
"title": "Your Might Just be a Redneck If..."
},
{
"body": "What does a blonde and a screendoor have in common?\r\n\r\n\r\nThe harder you bang them the looser they get.\r\n\r\n\r\nWhy did the blonde climb the glass wall?\r\n\r\n\r\nTo see what was on the other side.\r\n\r\n\r\nWhat is the first thing a blonde does in the morning?\r\n\r\nGet dressed and go home",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8424,
"title": "The Good Stuff"
},
{
"body": "Nicholaas (toe 4) het by sy ouma gaan kuier, en ouma het dit goed gedink om hom bietjie groentes te leer eet wat sy ma nie graag gaar maak nie.\r\n\r\nDie spesifieke dag is broccoli aan die beurt, en ouma versin die oulikste stories oor die boompies wat hy gaan proe.\r\n\r\nHy begin ewe entosiasties aan die eerste een eet, maar ouma sien hy kou al stadiger en kry so veraf trek in sy ogies. \r\n\"Ouma,\" roep hy toe sy ouma wat intussen in die spens verdwyn het, \"kom kyk hier!\" Die mannetjie beduie toe na sy bord waar hy die laaste \"boompie\" staan gemaak het, mooi vasgedruk in die middel van die rys. \r\n\r\n\"Kyk net, hierdie is die Paradys, en daardie boom is die boom waarvan God ges\u00c3\u00aa het ons mag nie eet nie!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8426,
"title": "AFRIKAANSE GRAPPIE!!! (brocolli)"
},
{
"body": "Why did the blond have blisters on her lips?\r\nFrom trying to blow out lightbulbs!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8428,
"title": "Blisters on Her Lips"
},
{
"body": "How do you keep a blond busy?\r\nWrite \"please turn over\" on both sides of a paper!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8429,
"title": "How to Keep Her Busy"
},
{
"body": "One blond to another: \"The electicity break down was terrible. I was stuck in the lift for 2 hours.\"\r\nThe other blond: \"That's nothing, I stood on the elevator for 6 hours!!!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8430,
"title": "How Dumb Can You Be!!!"
},
{
"body": "Wat is die toppunt van geraas?\r\n\r\n2 geraamtes wat woellig spyker op n sinkdak met n coke blikkie as n kondoom!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8433,
"title": "AFRIKAANS JOKE (Toppunt Van Geraas)"
},
{
"body": "Pappa : jy moet nou soet wees, ek gan jou tottie afkap.\r\nSeuntjie : kan ma afkap, want sussie sin is klaar af en omgedop en dit lyk BEFOK!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8435,
"title": "AFRIKAANS JOKE (pappa En Seuntjie)"
},
{
"body": "Prostitute shouting accross the street -\r\n\"Hey, black boy! You want a blow job?\"\r\n\r\nHe shouts back \"Fuck off! I don't want ANY job!\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8436,
"title": "Blow Job?"
},
{
"body": "If a kid asks where rain comes from, I tell him, \"God is crying.\" And if he asks why God is crying, I tell him, \"Probably because of something you did.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8438,
"title": "God"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so old, she still owes Moses a dollar.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8440,
"title": "Moses"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if: \r\n\r\nYou've ever carved a gunstock out of a bedpost.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8443,
"title": "You are a Redneck If... #26"
},
{
"body": "The following were some comments made in the year 1957: \r\n\r\n(1) \"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.\" \r\n\r\n(2) \"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one.\" \r\n\r\n(3) \"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.\" \r\n\r\n(4) \"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?\" \r\n\r\n(5) \"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.\" \r\n\r\n(6) \"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.\" \r\n\r\n(7) \"Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls'.\" \r\n\r\n(8) \"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind', it seems every new movie has either 'hell' or 'damn' in it.\" \r\n\r\n(9) \"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.\" \r\n\r\n(10) \"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President.\" \r\n\r\n(11) \"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.\" \r\n\r\n(12) \"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.\" \r\n\r\n(13) \"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.\" \r\n\r\n(14) \"No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.\" \r\n\r\n(15) \"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.\" \r\n\r\n(16) \"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress.\" \r\n\r\n(17) \"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.\" \r\n\r\n(18) \"I guess taking a vacation is out of the question now days. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8445,
"title": "1957...Remember?"
},
{
"body": "A college student at a recent college football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand this: \r\n\r\n\"You grew up in a different world,\" the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. \"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh .....\" \r\n\r\nTaking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior citizen said, \"You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What are *you* doing for the next generation???\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 8446,
"title": "College Student"
},
{
"body": "The Fart Dictionary\r\n\r\n \r\nThe Alarm Fart - This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.\r\n\r\nThe Amplified Fart - This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table,and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong through being amplified in this way can be called an Amplified Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions \r\n\r\nThe Anticipated Fart - This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart. \r\n\r\nThe Back Seat Fart - This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its foul odor will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. It is often followed by someone saying, \"Who farted in the back seat?\" \r\n\r\nThe Barn Owl Fart - A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart. \r\n\r\nThe Bathtub Fart - People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like fart don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water, and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing.\r\n\r\nThe Biggest Fart in the World Fart - Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by its name. This can either be a group one or a group two fart and can occur just about anywhere. I heard it one time, a group two identification, in a crowded high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down. It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it size.Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines, and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farter's.\r\n\r\n\r\nThe Bullet Fart - Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans. \r\n\r\nThe Burning Brakes Fart - A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually and adult fart, occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes, and seems to hang around longer than most farts Which gives whoever farted a chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart.\r\n\r\nThe Car Door Fart - Either a group one or a group two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying to fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common.\r\n\r\nThe Celestial Fart - Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no odor at all. Very rare.\r\n\r\nThe Chinese Firecracker Fart - This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number, and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over, it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Uncommon. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe Command Fart - This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions. \r\n\r\nThe Common Fart - This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further. \r\n\r\nThe Crowd Fart - The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics, and starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one. Very common. \r\n\r\nThe Cushioned Fart - A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people. \r\n\r\nThe Did An Angel Speak Fart - This is any loud fart in church. This fart was first called to my attention by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it can be found.\r\n\r\nThe Dud Fart - The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed. \r\n\r\nThe Echo Fart - This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo. \r\n\r\nThe G and L Fart - This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone. \r\n\r\nThe Ghost Fart - A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart. \r\n\r\nThe Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart - This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, \"My, oh my,\" or \"Well, well.\" There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is. \r\n\r\nThe Jerk Fart - The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart. \r\n\r\nThe John Fart - The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons. \r\n\r\nThe Lead Fart - The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess. \r\n\r\nThe Malted Milk Ball Fart - Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare. \r\n\r\nThe Oh My God Fart - This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh sh*t, which would be understandable. \r\n\r\nThe Omen Fart - This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention. \r\n\r\nThe Organic Fart - Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best. \r\n\r\nThe Quiver Fart - A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart. \r\n\r\nThe Rambling Phaduka Fart - You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds. \r\n\r\nThe Relief Fart - Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, \"Wow, what a relief.\" Very common. \r\n\r\nThe Reluctant Fart - This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances. \r\n\r\nThe Rusty Gate Fart - The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts. \r\n\r\nThe S.B.D. Fart - S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one. \r\n\r\nThe Sandpaper Fart - This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common. \r\n\r\nThe Skillsaw Fart - A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common. \r\n\r\nThe Sonic Boom Fart - The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off. \r\n\r\nThe Splatter Fart - Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all. \r\n\r\nThe Stutter Fart - If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort. \r\n\r\nThe Taco Bell Fart - The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too. Even on a windy day. \r\n\r\nThe Teflon Fart - Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know. \r\n\r\nThe Thank God I'm Alone Fart - Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say, \"Thank God I'm alone.\" Then you get out of there fast! \r\n\r\nThe Tickle Fart - A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8449,
"title": "The Fart Dictionary"
},
{
"body": "Verbs\r\n\r\nAnal Salute\r\nbackfire \r\nbake breeze biscuits \r\nbake brownies \r\nbark \r\nbend a valve \r\nBeep your horn\r\nBlast the chair\r\nblow dirt\r\nblow dust \r\nblow a fart \r\nblow a gasket\r\nblow kisses \r\nblow mud \r\nblow smoke \r\nBlow the big brown horn\r\nblow the sparkplugs \r\nblurt \r\nboff \r\nBottom blast\r\nBottom burp \r\nboom-boom \r\nbreak the seam\r\nbreak wind \r\nbuang angin \r\nbust ass \r\nButtock bassoon \r\nButt burp \r\nButt tuba \r\nbutt yodeling\r\nchemold\r\nclear one's throat \r\ncleft a boofer \r\ncolon bowlin' \r\ncook eggs \r\ncouper le fromage \r\ncrack ass\r\ncrepitate \r\ncrop dusting \r\ncut a gasser \r\ncut a melon \r\ncut chedder \r\ncut muffins \r\ncut one \r\ncut the cheese \r\ncut the provolone \r\nCut a stinker\r\nCut the wind\r\ndeal one \r\ndegas \r\ndot'dot \r\ndraw mud from the bottom of the pond \r\ndrop ass \r\nDrop a bomb \r\ndrop a cookie \r\ndrop a fart \r\ndrop a ringo\r\ndrop a rose \r\ndrop one\r\ndrop one's guts \r\neffluviate \r\nemit a fart \r\nerupt one \r\nfardullah \r\nfart \r\nfart like a popcorn machine \r\nfessa \r\nflatulate \r\nFlatulence\r\nfloat an air biscuit \r\nfrump \r\nFunky rollers\r\nfurzen\r\nfuss \r\nGaseous intestinal by-products\r\nget expelled from stool \r\ngrunt \r\nguff \r\nheiny burp \r\nhe o koita \r\nhere comes Freddie \r\nHonk\r\nHUMrrhoids \r\nJag fis \r\nkentut \r\nkill the canary \r\nlaunch a wifter \r\nlay a fart \r\nlay a jellybean\r\nLet a Beefer\r\nLet each little bean be heard\r\nlet a windy \r\nlet fly a fart \r\nlet Freddie out of jail\r\nlet one \r\nmake a stink \r\nmake cheese \r\nmake methane \r\nmake some underleg noise \r\nMating call of the barking spider\r\nMexican jet propulsion \r\not'ot \r\npass gas \r\nPass wind\r\npeidar \r\npeter \r\npiffle \r\npollute the atmosphere \r\npoopski \r\npoot \r\npop corn\r\npop off \r\npritz \r\npuf \r\nPuff, the Magic Dragon! \r\npukat \r\nqueimar a bota \r\nRebuild the ozone layer one poof at a time\r\nRectal honk\r\nRectal shout \r\nrefine shit particles \r\nrelease intestinal gases \r\nRelease a tree monkey from captivity \r\nringo \r\nrip one \r\nrip the canvas\r\nRipple Fart\r\nroar from the rear \r\nshit the bed\r\nshoot bunnies \r\nShoot the cannon\r\nsink my battleship \r\nsneeze in one's pants \r\nspider's barking \r\nspill one's guts\r\nsplit the seam \r\nstart a Harley\r\nstart the engine \r\nstep on a duck\r\nstep on a frog \r\nstep on a fart snake \r\nstink out loud \r\nstomp on the barking spider \r\nstrike mud\r\nstrip a gear \r\nsupply it \r\ntaint ripper \r\ntoot \r\nToot your own horn \r\nTo speak German \r\nTrouser cough\r\nTrouser trumpet\r\nvent \r\nwinden laten",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8451,
"title": "Fart Names ( Verbs )"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nDishes.\r\nDishes who?\r\nDishes me, who's you?\r\n(This is me, who's you.)",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 8454,
"title": "Dishes"
},
{
"body": "It is illegal to stick coins in your ears in the state of Hawaii.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8456,
"title": "Coins"
},
{
"body": "Why were the police at the baseball game? \r\n\r\nBecause someone stole second base!",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 8464,
"title": "Base Stealer"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat and dumb, she used Antarctica as a popsicle!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8465,
"title": "Antarctica"
},
{
"body": "yo mommo so stupid when she was drowning, she ate a Lifesaver. \r\n\r\nLifesaver is a candy.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8466,
"title": "So Very Stupid"
},
{
"body": "If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8470,
"title": "Deep Thought,,,,"
},
{
"body": "Darwin's Answer:\r\nIt was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.\r\n\r\nAnother of Darwin's Answers:\r\nChickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected\r\nin such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.\r\n\r\nJohnny Cochran 's Answer:\r\nBecause the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit.\r\n\r\nSnoop Dogg 's Answer:\r\nThis (censored) fool of a chicken didn't (censored) know\r\nwhat the (censored) he was doin crossin a (censored) alley in (censored) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censored) mornin'.\r\n\r\nBill Cosby 's Answer:\r\nWeeelll, ya see, the chicken crossed the road, and to get... to...the jello pudding pops.\r\n\r\nHomer Simpson 's Answer:\r\nThere was free beer on the other side of the road.\r\n\r\nGeorge Bush's Answer:\r\nWe don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. \r\n\r\nNeil Armstrong's Answer:\r\nTo go where no chicken has gone before.\r\n\r\nAnother Answer:\r\nThat's one small step for Chicken, one giant leap for Chicken kind.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8471,
"title": "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?"
},
{
"body": "100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8472,
"title": "You Were the Fastest?"
},
{
"body": "Always keep your words soft and sweet,\r\njust in case you have to eat them.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8474,
"title": "Soft and Sweet"
},
{
"body": "Famous last words:\r\n\r\n\"Ok, I'm only going to have one...\"\r\n\r\n-- Said the polygamist right after marrying his first wife.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8476,
"title": "Ok, Only 1,,,,"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, whenever she turns around--there goes another city.\r\n\r\nYo momma is so fat, whenever she sits down she lowers all the prices at wal-mart.\r\n\r\nYo momma is so fat, whenever she turns around it's your birthday.\r\n\r\nYo momma is so fat, NASA engineers mistook her for a new planet.\r\n\r\nYo momma is so fat, it takes 1000 years to design clothes for her\r\n\r\nYo momma is so fat, whenever she gets weighed she breaks the scale.\r\n\r\nYou're so fat, I wonder if it's because of yo momma.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8484,
"title": "Yo Momma is So Fat"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if your dad bought you a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for Christmas.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 8487,
"title": "Pepto-Bismol"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8490,
"title": "Christmas"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is like a bus; she's big, doesn't smell very good, and it's only a dollar a ride.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8492,
"title": "Bus"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a species will be extinct.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8493,
"title": "Extinct"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama is so stupid, she bought a video tape on how to fix your VCR!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8494,
"title": "VCR"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so poor, she has to chase down the garbage truck with a shopping list!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8496,
"title": "Being Poor...er"
},
{
"body": "yo momma is so old --- she knew Burger King when he was a prince!\r\n\r\n\r\nyo momma is so poor --- I saw her banging on the dumpster and I asked her what she was doing and she said \"My kids locked me out!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8497,
"title": "Yo Momma is So Old and Poor"
},
{
"body": "Best Friend to Former Fat Guy: Hey man, you're looking good. Looks like you lost lots of pounds. Any secrets?\r\n\r\nFormer Fat Guy: Eating dates.\r\n\r\nBest Friend: Oh yeah? I've read that compared to other foods, dates have the highest anti-oxidant values. How much and how many times a week do you eat dates?\r\n\r\nFormer Fat Guy: Oh just one date every week-end. I eat first before I fuck.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8502,
"title": "Best Diet"
},
{
"body": "What do you call when god takes a crap?\r\n\r\nHoly shit!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 8505,
"title": "God"
},
{
"body": "A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good Christian ways. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!\r\n\r\nOne day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief says \"You taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!\"\r\n\r\nThe missionary replies says, \"No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - an albino. Look to the field. See a flock of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.\"\r\n\r\nThe chief pauses for a moment then says, \"Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white kid.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 8507,
"title": "African Missionary"
},
{
"body": "A young man from Peking and a first generation Chinese American woman get married. On the wedding night he climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring, saying, \"My darling, I know this is your first time and you must be frightened.\" \r\n\r\nShe says that is true but she will do anything he wants. \r\n\r\nThe groom says \"Let's start with 69.\" \r\n\r\nAnd she says, \"You want broccoli with beef?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8508,
"title": "First Time Intimacy"
},
{
"body": "Two cows were in a field grazing.\r\nFirst cow says, \"MOO.\"\r\nSecond cow says, \"You asshole, I was gonna say that.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8509,
"title": "Two Cows"
},
{
"body": "Yankee Doodle went to town\r\nA-riding on his mother\r\n\r\nEvery time he hit a bump\r\n\r\nHe had another brother!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8511,
"title": "Yankee Doodle Handy"
},
{
"body": "1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.\r\n2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.\r\n3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters \"CHECK YOUR FLY\". (At Least for the Male profs.)\r\n4. Address the professor as \"your excellency\".\r\n5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream \"AAAGH! MY EYES!\"\r\n6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.\r\n7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.\r\n8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.\r\n9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.\r\n10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, \"Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?\" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.\r\n11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if he/she is cute.)\r\n12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write \"Signup Sheet #5\" at the top, and start passing it around the room.\r\n13. Repeat number 12, except for write the names of random students in the class at the top first. It will confuse them when they see it.\r\n14. Start a \"wave\" in a large lecture hall.",
"category": "College",
"id": 8513,
"title": "Relieving Stress in Class"
},
{
"body": "A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to \"go downtown\" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business. \r\nAfter about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, \"Well, just what are you doing?\" She replies, \"I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money!!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8519,
"title": "Going Downtown"
},
{
"body": "What do you call 2 nuns and 3 prostitutes on a football field?\r\n\r\n2 Tight Ends and 3 Wide Receivers",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 8520,
"title": "What Do You Call....."
},
{
"body": "Knock, Knock\r\n Who's there?\r\nYa\r\n Ya - who?\r\nI didn't know you could yodel! Yahoooo!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 8521,
"title": "Yahoo"
},
{
"body": "You're so ugly that when you entered an ugly contest, out of 10,000 people, you won first place!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8524,
"title": "Ugly"
},
{
"body": "You're like a Wendy's. The drive through is open till 1am or later.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8528,
"title": "Wendy's"
},
{
"body": "A good friend will say: \"I love you!\" (In a sarcastic tone)\r\n\r\nA best friend will say: \"I love you, you f***in' b****!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8535,
"title": "Good Friends..."
},
{
"body": "What did the little black boy get for his birthday? Your bike.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8539,
"title": "Present For a Black Man"
},
{
"body": "Why does it take 3 women with PMS to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\n\r\nBECAUSE IT JUST DOES, OK!!!!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 8542,
"title": "Women With PMS"
},
{
"body": "TOP GEORGE BUSH SLOGANS\r\n\r\n1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!\r\n2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.\r\n3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.\r\n4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?\r\n5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.\r\n6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.\r\n7. New penal plan: I won't use mine!\r\n8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.\r\n9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers\r\n10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 8544,
"title": "Top George Bush Slogans"
},
{
"body": "UNIX Airways\r\nEveryone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.\r\nAir DOS\r\nEverybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...\r\nMac Airlines\r\nAll the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.\r\nWindows Air\r\nThe terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.\r\nWindows NT Air\r\nJust like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.\r\nWindows XP Air\r\nYou turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.\r\nLinux Air\r\nDisgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.\r\nWhen you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, \"You had to do what with the seat?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8547,
"title": "If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines..."
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat she stood on a talking scale and it said, \"1,2,3 GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!!!!!!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8548,
"title": "123"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nMe\r\nMe who?\r\nWho the hell is me-who???",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 8549,
"title": "Knock-Knock-Me!"
},
{
"body": "What is the most racist animal in the world?\r\nA parrot bacause Polly wants a cracker not a nigger.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8552,
"title": "Parrot"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call 50 black guys in a hole?\r\n\r\nA: Afro-Turf",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8553,
"title": "Afro-Turf"
},
{
"body": "FROM A FARM KID AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.\r\n\r\nDear Ma and Pa:\r\nI am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.\r\nTell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.\r\n\r\nI was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.\r\n\r\nTell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.\r\n\r\nBreakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.\r\n\r\nIt's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on \"route marches\", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A \"route march\" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.\r\nThen the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.\r\n\r\nThe sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.\r\nThe Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.\r\n\r\nThis next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.\r\n\r\nThen we have what they call hand-to hand combat training.\r\nYou get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6\" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8\" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.\r\n\r\nBe sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.\r\n\r\nYour loving daughter,\r\nGail.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8554,
"title": "Farm Kid Letter"
},
{
"body": "One day a little boy came over to his friends house and said, \"Ah shit! I got gunk on my shoe!\" As he was saying it, the friend's dad came over to the little boy and said, \"How dare you say that in front of my child!\" The dad sent the little boy home and called his father, telling him to come over to his house and talk to him.\r\nThe father came over and said, \"So what if my boy said that? it's not like your kids haven't overheard you say a curse word!\"\r\n\"Actually they haven't!\" claimed the disgruntled father.\r\nAs they argue, the disgruntled father's baby in the backround blurts out, \"Fuck you!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8559,
"title": "Knowing a little too much"
},
{
"body": "You're so ugly, you scare blind children.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8561,
"title": "Wow You're Ugly"
},
{
"body": "You're so ugly when you were born your parents named you \"Shit Happens\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8562,
"title": "Ur So Ugly..."
},
{
"body": "You're so ugly instead of taking you to the doctor your mom took you to the vet.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8563,
"title": "Vet"
},
{
"body": "CLERK: Please repeat after me; \"I swear by Almighty God,\" \r\nWITNESS: \"I swear by Almighty God.\" \r\nCLERK: \"That the evidence that I give,\" \r\nWITNESS: That's right. \r\nCLERK: Repeat it. \r\nWITNESS: \"Repeat it.\" \r\nCLERK: No! Repeat what I said. \r\nWITNESS: What you said when? \r\nCLERK: \"That the evidence that I give,\" \r\nWITNESS: \"That the evidence that I give,\" \r\nCLERK: \"Shall be the truth, and,\" \r\nWITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth! \r\nCLERK: Please, just repeat after me: \"Shall be the truth and...\" \r\nWITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know. \r\nCLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: \"Shall be the truth and...\" \r\nWITNESS: \"Shall be the truth and.\" \r\nCLERK: Say: \"Nothing.\"\r\nWITNESS: Okay. \r\n(Witness remains silent.) \r\nCLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: \"Nothing but the truth.\" \r\nWITNESS: Yes. \r\nCLERK: Can't you say: \"Nothing but the truth..?\"\r\nWITNESS: Yes. \r\nCLERK: Well? Do so. \r\nWITNESS: You're confusing me. \r\nCLERK: Just say: \"Nothing but the truth...\". \r\nWITNESS: Is that all? \r\nCLERK: Yes. \r\nWITNESS: Okay. I understand. \r\nCLERK: Then say it. \r\nWITNESS: What? \r\nCLERK: \"Nothing but the truth...\" \r\nWITNESS: But I do! That's just it. \r\nCLERK: You must say: \"Nothing but the truth...\" \r\nWITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth! \r\nCLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: \"Nothing\", \"But\", \"The\", \"Truth\". \r\nWITNESS: What? You mean, like, now? \"Nothing. But. The. Truth.\" \r\nCLERK: Thank you. \r\nWITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8565,
"title": "I'm Just Not A Scholar"
},
{
"body": "Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some real Texas Barbeque, take in a bona fide rodeo and have sex with a real cowboy. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.\r\n\"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable!\"\r\nAnd, I went to a real rodeo... Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full-grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!\"\r\nThey then asked, \"Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?\"\r\n\"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8566,
"title": "Texas Trip"
},
{
"body": "An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. \r\n\r\nHolding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, \"I love you, Sally.\" \r\n\r\nOn their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it,they took it home. There, she counted the money. It totaled fifty thousand dollars. \r\n\r\nAndy said, \"We've got to give it back.\" Sally said, \"Finders keepers.\" She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. \r\n\r\nThe next day two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. \"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?\" \r\n\r\nSally said, \"No.\" \r\n\r\nAndy said, \"She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.\" \r\n\r\nSally said, \"Don't believe him, he's getting senile.\" \r\n\r\nThe agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: \"Tell us the story from the beginning.\" \r\n\r\nAndy said, \"Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...\" \r\n\r\nThe first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, \"We're outta here!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8568,
"title": "Senile"
},
{
"body": "What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile?\r\n\r\n\"Get in the Batmobile, Robin!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8573,
"title": "Batman"
},
{
"body": "Why can't a gypsy man walk right?\r\n\r\nBecause he has crystal balls!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8575,
"title": "Gypsy Man"
},
{
"body": ">God made mud,<<<<\r\n>>God made dirt,<<<<\r\n>>>God made guys,<<\r\n>>>>So girls can flirt!<",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 8577,
"title": "What God Made."
},
{
"body": "It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8578,
"title": "Stupidity"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8585,
"title": "E.T"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\n\r\nWho's there\r\n\r\nIcee\r\n\r\nIcee who\r\n\r\nI see you in there now let me in!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 8586,
"title": "Let Me In!"
},
{
"body": "A boy asked his mother what the word \"shit\" meant. The mother didn't know what to say, so she said it meant \"food\". Then he asked what the word \"nigger\" meant. She still did not know what to say, so she said \"priest\". The last word he asked about was \"fuck\". She really did not know what to say so she said \"to get dressed\".\r\n\r\nWhen the priest came over, the boy said to the priest, \"Hey, nigger, the shit is on the table and my mom and dad are fucking in the room\".",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8591,
"title": "Wrong Meanings"
},
{
"body": "Ronnie never listens in science class because he says it's boring..\r\n\r\nOne day his teacher asked, \"Ronnie, What are the 3 states of matter?\"\r\n\r\nSince he heard his name he did listen to the question. So he thinks for a second and replies, \"Texas, Florida, and Arkansas!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8594,
"title": "States of Matter"
},
{
"body": "A young man worked at an aquarium feading the animals, cleaning the tanks and the like. One day his boss came to him and said, \"We have a group of second-graders coming for a field trip in about thirty minutes and the dolphins are getting 'playful'. The only thing that will make the dolphins behave is baby seagull meat. I want you to take this bag and go down to the beach and get some baby seagulls, but be careful because a lion has escaped from the zoo. They say it's been shot with a tranq gun so it shouldn't be a problem.\"\r\n\r\nSo, the young man took the bag, made his way down to the beach and got the seagulls with no problem. He decided to take the short cut through the woods on his way back. Suddenly, as he rounded a bend in the path, he saw the escaped lion laying across the path ahead of him, apparently sleeping. \r\n\r\nThe bushes were rather thick at this point, so he had only two choices: go past the lion or back the way he came. He decided he didn't have enough time to go back. He got up his nerve and very,very carefully stepped over the lion. He did so without waking it and was breathing a sigh of relief when a police officer stepped out of the woods and told him he was under arrest.\r\n\r\n\"But, Officer, what's the charge?\" he queried.\r\n\r\n\"Transporting young gulls across a sedate lion.\" (Transporting youing girls across state lines)",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8600,
"title": "What's the Charge?"
},
{
"body": "Aoccdrnig to rscheearch codnutced at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,it deosn't mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are tpyed,the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit oedrer. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey ltteer by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8601,
"title": "The Power of the Human Mind"
},
{
"body": "Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8602,
"title": "Acceptance"
},
{
"body": "It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8603,
"title": "On Purpose"
},
{
"body": "You so ugly, you make President Bush look hot!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8608,
"title": "You So Ugly"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and if it falls out of a tree, can kill you? \r\n A: A pool table.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8609,
"title": "4 Legs"
},
{
"body": "Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8610,
"title": "What Women Need"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so ghetto, her wedding cake was made out of cornbread.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8611,
"title": "Cornbread"
},
{
"body": "1) You're so poor that when somebody rings the doorbell you have to stick your head out the window and yell, \"Ding-Dong!\"\r\n\r\n2) You're so poor that when I asked if I could use the bathroom at your house your mom gave me two sticks, one to hold the ceiling up and one to fight the cockroaches.\r\n\r\n3) You're so poor that your house is 5 square yards, one floor and no walls.\r\n\r\n4) You're so poor that your house is very dark because you can't afford a light bulb.\r\n\r\n5) You're so poor that you live in an out-house.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8615,
"title": "5 You're So Poor Insults"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?\r\nA: Because he felt crumby.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8617,
"title": "Cookie"
},
{
"body": "How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nZero: For all blondes know, the lightbulb is still burning bright.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 8619,
"title": "Blondes and Lightbulbs Don't"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.\r\nThe sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She points him to the correct aisle.\r\nA few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. \r\nShe says, confused, \"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?\"\r\nHe answers, \" You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes. She came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers saying, 'It's sooo much cheaper!' So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8623,
"title": "Cigarettes and Tampons"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?\r\n\r\nA: A quarter pounder with cheese.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8624,
"title": "Quarter Pounder With Cheese"
},
{
"body": "At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be \"What is Hell?\" Come early and listen to our choir practice.\r\n\r\nWeight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. \r\n\r\nMrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for tests.\r\n\r\nPlease join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the birth of their first child.\r\n\r\nThe Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 8625,
"title": "Church Bulletin Bloopers"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the scientist install a door knocker on his door and not a door bell?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA: He wanted to win the No-Bell (Nobel) prize!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8628,
"title": "Door Knockers"
},
{
"body": "There's a blonde who goes to a pizza parlor. When she orders, she asks for her pizza to be cut up into 6 slices instead of eight. Why?\r\n\r\nA: She's not hungry enough to eat eight.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8630,
"title": "Pizza"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock.\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nWet.\r\n\r\nWet who?\r\n\r\nWet me in! It's waining!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 8631,
"title": "Wet"
},
{
"body": "Q: Did you hear the story about the peacock?\r\n\r\nA: It's a beautiful tail.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8632,
"title": "Peacock"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did George Washington sleep standing up?\r\n\r\nA: He couldn't lie.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8633,
"title": "Abraham Lincoln"
},
{
"body": "A man is up on stage telling blonde jokes, and the crowd is eating them up. Suddenly a blonde steps up in the back and starts cursing the man because of him telling the derogatory jokes. To stop him, he offers her the deal of her answering 5 multiple-choice questions. If she can answer them correctly, he'll get off the stage and never tell another blonde joke. She agrees and he starts questioning her.\r\n\"1) How long was the 100 yr war?\r\nA) 116\r\nB) 99\r\nC) 100\r\nD) 150\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde says \"I will skip this\"\r\nThe man continues, \"2) In which country are the Panama hats made?\r\nA) BRASIL\r\nB) CHILE\r\nC) PANAMA\r\nD) EQUADOR\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde asks for help from any university students near her, and then skips the question.\r\nTrying not to laugh, the man continues, \"3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?\r\nA) JANUARY\r\nB) SEPTEMBER\r\nC) OCTOBER\r\nD) NOVEMBER\"\r\n\r\nThe blond asks for help from anyone in the crowd, and gives up.\r\nThe man snickers a little and asks her, \"4) Which of these was King George VI's first name?\r\nA) EDER\r\nB) ALBERT\r\nC) GEORGE\r\nD) MANOEL\"\r\n\r\nThe blond looks around vacantly and gives up.\r\nBy now the guy is having a hard time containing his gut-wrenching laughter, but composes himself enough to ask, \"5) The Canary islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on which animal:\r\nA) CANARY BIRD\r\nB) KANGAROO\r\nC) PUPPY\r\nD) RAT\"\r\n\r\nThe blond just gives up and sits down.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8634,
"title": "The Blond Test"
},
{
"body": "Upon retirement, Dave had realized that he had poured himself into his work his entire life and never married. After spending a few weeks at home alone he decided that he needed some companionship and headed for the pet store. After looking around the store he thought that he would like to purchase a bird. He began looking at the selection available and noticed that one bird sold for $100 and the bird in the next cage was priced at $10,000. He looked and looked and studied the two birds, but he could not tell the difference, so he called over the store owner and asked him to explain. \r\n\r\nThe owner said, \"The $10,000 bird is a perfect bird and the $100 bird is just the average everyday bird.\".\r\n\r\n\"But I still don't see the difference,\" said the old man. \r\n\r\nThe owner explained, \"The $100 bird has a small hump on his beak and that made him just average.\" \r\n\r\n\"You're telling me that if that $100 dollar bird didn't have that tiny little hump in his beak he would be worth $10,000?!?!?\" exclaimed Dave. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" says the owner, \"he might not be worth $10,000 but he would be worth quite a bit more.\" \r\n\r\nWith much delight Dave says \"I'll take him! You see, I have been a master machinist my whole life and have worked with tools and my hands since I was a young boy. I think that I can file that hump off the bird's beak and make some extra money.\" \r\n\r\n\"You might be able to do that,\" says the owner, \"but I must warn you that there is a membrane in the bird's beak and if you file too deeply you will kill the bird.\" \r\n\r\n\"No problem,\" says Dave with great confidence, and leaves the store. \r\n\r\nAbout a week later Dave was back in the pet store and the owner asks how things went with the bird. \"He died,\" Dave said dejectedly. \r\n\r\nThe owner says, \"I warned you that you could file to deeply and that would kill the bird.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, that's not what happened,\" replied Dave. \r\n\r\n\"Well what happened then?\" \r\n\r\n\"I accidentally crushed his head in the vice.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8636,
"title": "One Good Beak..."
},
{
"body": "Two turds were sitting beside each other in a toilet, when one looks to the other and says, \"man, you smell like shit\".",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8637,
"title": "Two Turds"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between a rabbit and a cow?\r\n\r\n\r\nA: One's a rabbit and one is a cow",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8641,
"title": "Cow and Rabbit"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why DIDN`T the skull cross the road?\r\nA: Because he didn`t have the guts!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8645,
"title": "No guts"
},
{
"body": "Why did the frog cross the road? \r\n\r\nA: He was tied onto the chicken.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8646,
"title": "Another Cross Threw the St."
},
{
"body": "Here's how a man evolves directly following marriage. \r\n\r\nThe Love Word: \r\n\r\nAfter 6 weeks: I love you, I love you, I love you! \r\nAfter 6 months: Of course, I love you. \r\nAfter 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why do you think I proposed? \r\n\r\nBack from Work: \r\n\r\nAfter 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home \r\nAfter 6 months: BACK!! \r\nAfter 6 years: What did your mom cook for us today? \r\n\r\nPhone Ringing: \r\n\r\nAfter 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone\r\nAfter 6 months: Here, for you\r\nAfter 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE! \r\n\r\nCooking: \r\n\r\nAfter 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good! \r\nAfter 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight? \r\nAfter 6 years: AGAIN! \r\n\r\nNew Dress: \r\n\r\nAfter 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress. \r\nAfter 6 months: You bought a new dress again? \r\nAfter 6 years: How much did THAT cost me? \r\n\r\nTV: \r\n\r\nAfter 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight? \r\nAfter 6 months: I like this movie \r\nAfter 6 years: I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to Bed, I can stay up by myself",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8651,
"title": "Men and Marriage"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so ugly, that when she met the ugliest man on Earth, he shrieked in terror and jumped out the window.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8652,
"title": "So Ugly..."
},
{
"body": "A man settles into his seat on the plane, when another man sits down and puts his black Labrador Retriever in the seat next to him. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he is allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a \"sniffing dog\". \"His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.\"\r\n\r\nOnce the plane has taken off and levels out, the agent says, \"Watch this.\" He tells Sniffer to \"search\". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, \"Good boy\", and turns to the man and says, \"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.\"\r\n\r\n\"Say, that's pretty neat,\" replies the first man.\r\n\r\nOnce again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, but this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, \"That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.\"\r\n\r\n\"I like it!\" says his seatmate.\"\r\n\r\nThe agent then tells Sniffer to \"search\" again. Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a bit, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent. He jumps into his seat and proceeds to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior, and can't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, \"What's going on?\" The agent nervously replies, \"He just found a bomb!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8653,
"title": "Sniffer"
},
{
"body": "A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. \r\n\r\nAs they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, \"Relatives of yours?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yep,\" the wife replied, \"in-laws.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8658,
"title": "WIFE VS. HUSBAND"
},
{
"body": "Fish + alien transpotation =\r\n\r\nUnidentified Frying Object",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8662,
"title": "Mad Add #1"
},
{
"body": "Q: What goes, \"KCAUQ, KCAUQ\"?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA: A duck flying backwards!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8663,
"title": "Kcauq!"
},
{
"body": "BOB: Have you changed the water in the fish bowl yet?\r\n\r\nMARGE: No, it hasn't drunk the water I gave it a week ago.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8664,
"title": "Fishes"
},
{
"body": "I believe in evolution and if you don't I will let you meet my relatives....\r\n\r\n Then you'll believe me",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8668,
"title": "Evolution"
},
{
"body": "\"I love you\" is eight letters, but so is \"bull shit.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8670,
"title": "Eight Letters"
},
{
"body": "I decided to kill the sexiest person alive, but then I realized suicide is illegal.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8672,
"title": "I Decided..."
},
{
"body": "I often dream of the day when my car will be able to drive me home after a long hard day of work. That's about the time the driver next to me abruptly blows his horn telling me to wake up and get back into my own lane.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8673,
"title": "Dream Drive"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear the one about the blond Think Tank?\r\n\r\nOnce they got it got started, it drove through three houses and a convienence store before they figured out how to stop it.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8674,
"title": "Think Tank"
},
{
"body": "East to the Sea, West to the Land, Death to the B***h that touches my Man.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8677,
"title": "East to West"
},
{
"body": "\"Mario, I am in so much pain right now I can barely sit. Leave the mushrooms for the adventures and out of the bedroom.\"\r\n\r\n\"Fine Princess. Yoshi, let's go.\"\r\n\r\n\"No, no...Yoshi can stay.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8680,
"title": "Mario and Princess"
},
{
"body": "Q-If the big breasted women work at Hooters, where does the one legged woman work?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA-Ihop",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8681,
"title": "Where to Work"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so old she got an autographed copy of the bible.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8683,
"title": "Old"
},
{
"body": "My T.V. has more channels then your IQ, and I DON'T EVEN HAVE CABLE!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8684,
"title": "I.Q."
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, when she sat on a rainbow skittles popped out!\r\n\r\nYo momma so fat she tripped broke her leg and gravy poured out!\r\n\r\nYo mommas so stupid when I said it was chilly out she grabbed a spoon and ran out!\r\n\r\nYo momma so fat she IS the family reunion!\r\n\r\nYo momma so skinny she hula hoops with cheerios!\r\n\r\nYo momma so flat she jealous of the wall!\r\n\r\nYo momma so fat when you get on top her your ears pop!\r\n\r\nYo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her!\r\n\r\nYo momma so ugly she made an onion cry!\r\n\r\nYo momma so ugly rice krispies wont talk to her!\r\n\r\nhar-de-har har old school jokes for you old school insulters...",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8685,
"title": "Old Yo Mommas"
},
{
"body": "Some old school insults for yall...\r\n\r\nYou depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.\r\n\r\nSo dumb you couldnt hold water in a bucket.\r\n\r\nHappiness: seeing your picture on a milk carton.\r\n\r\nYour mouth rarely makes calls to the brain.\r\n\r\nMissing a layer of insulation in your attic.\r\n\r\nYou're so fat, when you turn around people throw you a welcome back party.\r\n\r\nYou're so fat, you have to put a belt on with a boomerang.\r\n\r\nYou're so slow, you have to speed up to stop.\r\n\r\nYou're so fat, when you go to the zoo elephants throw peanuts at you.\r\n\r\nThe eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed.\r\n\r\nThe cheese slid off his cracker.\r\n\r\nAlright, I'm gonna save the rest.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8686,
"title": "Old Schoolers"
},
{
"body": "\"Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!\" \"I'll deal with you later!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 8693,
"title": "Doctor! Doctor!"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you help a starving cannibal?\r\n\r\nA: Give him a hand!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8694,
"title": "Cannibal"
},
{
"body": "One day in the 1800's a father asked his child to go get some nuts and berries. She went around and got nuts and berries from every boy she knew. When she showed her dad he said, \"That's not what I meant!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8695,
"title": "Nuts and Berries"
},
{
"body": "Q: Did you hear the joke about the jump rope?\r\n\r\nA: No, I skipped it!",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 8698,
"title": "Jump Rope"
},
{
"body": "When I shake your head, all I hear is echo echo echo...",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8701,
"title": "You're Brainless"
},
{
"body": "Your face is sad. Not that you're crying, it's that I feel sorry for you.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8702,
"title": "What's Wrong"
},
{
"body": "You're so ugly that your momma cried when she saw you after birth.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8703,
"title": "Read it"
},
{
"body": "You're so ugly that when it's Christmas, instead of giving you toys, Santa gives you plastic bags to cover your face.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8704,
"title": "You're So Freaking Ugly"
},
{
"body": "Q. How do you keep an idiot busy?\r\n\r\nA. Tell him that the ground is going to fall on him if he doesn't get off it.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8706,
"title": "How"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked \"What's New?\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8710,
"title": "Antique Shop"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so dumb she dj's for the ice cream truck!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8711,
"title": "Go DJ"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, she leaves stretch marks in the bath tub.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8712,
"title": "Stretch Marks"
},
{
"body": "How women think about sex: \r\n\r\nAt 8, ignore it.\r\n\r\nAt 18, experience it.\r\n\r\nAt 28, look for it.\r\n\r\nAt 38, ask for it.\r\n\r\nAt 48, beg for it.\r\n\r\nAt 58, pay for it.\r\n\r\nAt 68, pray for it.\r\n\r\nAt 78, forget it.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8714,
"title": "How Women Think About Sex"
},
{
"body": "Kid says to mom:\"The babysitter's an angel! She was naked in the garden and screamed God I'm coming! Lucky daddy was holding her from behind to keep her here!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8716,
"title": "Angel"
},
{
"body": "What is the new name for a taxi in Oshakati? A computer. Why? It has windows, always crashes, & is driven by a thin black floppy with a virus.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8717,
"title": "Oshakati Taxi Driver"
},
{
"body": "The cat was chasing the rooster around on the farm, then the cat fell in the water and the rooster laughed. Lesson: For every wet pussy there is a happy cock",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8718,
"title": "The Cat and the Rooster"
},
{
"body": "Woman tells man: :\"I demand good manners in bed just like at the dinner table.\" So man gets into bed slowly, smiles & says: \"Honey, would u please pass me the vagina?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8720,
"title": "Good Manners"
},
{
"body": "Good: You & Your wife decide not to have kids. \r\nBad: Your wife can't find the birth control pills \r\nUgly: You daughter borrowed them.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8721,
"title": "Good, Bad and Ugly"
},
{
"body": "A Japanese girl accidentally lets out a disturbing fart after making love!\r\n\r\nShe said: \"Aww, so sorry. Excuse please, front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8723,
"title": "Japenese Girl"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the cannibal who was late to dinner? \r\nHe got the cold shoulder.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8725,
"title": "Cannibal"
},
{
"body": "When a cop stops you he gives you a ticket,when a cop stops me he gives me his number.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8726,
"title": "You're Pathetic"
},
{
"body": "Your so ugly you make Bin Landen look like a god.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8727,
"title": "You Ugly"
},
{
"body": "Tom: I've got a great knock-knock joke.\r\n\r\nBill: Ok, let's hear it.\r\n\r\nTom: You start.\r\n\r\nBill: Knock-knock.\r\n\r\nTom: Who's there?\r\n\r\nBill: ???????????? (dumbfounded)",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 8728,
"title": "You Start"
},
{
"body": "When one wishes to unlock a door but only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law) \r\n\r\nA door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny) \r\n\r\nWhen ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban) \r\n\r\nYour insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law) \r\n\r\nWhen things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law) \r\n\r\nIf you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas) \r\n\r\nMost problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence) \r\n\r\nYou will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling) \r\n\r\nWhenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth) \r\n\r\nIf there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland) \r\n\r\nThe cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed) \r\n\r\nThe probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop) \r\n\r\nEach and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of ogolly gee!)\" \r\n\r\nWind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. (The donking principle) \r\n\r\nAfter discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility) \r\n\r\nArriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of de lay) \r\n\r\nDo not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway.\" (Theory of absolute certainty)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8729,
"title": "Unavoidable Laws of Life..."
},
{
"body": "After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" he said, \"it's three weeks long.\" \r\n\r\n\"What else,\" I asked. \r\n\r\n\"The first week they separate the men from the boys,\" he said. \"The second week, they separate the men from the fools.\" \r\n\r\n\"And the third week?\" I asked. \r\n\r\n\"The third week, the fools jump.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 8730,
"title": "Airborne"
},
{
"body": "The perfect man and the perfect woman got married, had a perfect honeymoon, and got a perfect car. One day, they were driving along and Santa Claus was on the side of the road. His sleigh had broken down, and he needed a ride to the next town. The perfect couple were nice, and let him hitch a ride.\r\n\r\n Well, they were driving along when they crashed into a tree. Only one of them lived. Who? The perfect woman. Why? There is no such thing as Santa Claus, and God knows that there isn't any such thing as a perfect man! ;)",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8734,
"title": "Perfect Couple"
},
{
"body": "A gentleman walks into bar, and to his horror, sees a screaming naked lady tied to the wall while the bartender licks her! The guy runs out and calles the police.He is even more horrified when the police say there is nothing they can do; the bartender has lick-her (liquor) license.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8736,
"title": "Lick-her License"
},
{
"body": "Known fact amongst all men: Having sex can help combat asthma and hay fever, now we need to inform all women!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8738,
"title": "Known Fact Amongst All Men"
},
{
"body": "Your teeth are so yellow the sun should be shy to show it self!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8740,
"title": "Yellow"
},
{
"body": "With a lousy year under his belt a tractor salesman was traveling down a dusty back road in Iowa, when he came across a farmer working his field with an old, broken down tractor. He jumped out of his truck and gave his best sales pitch to the old guy. \r\nThe farmer stroked his chin and said, \"The other day I was getting ready to milk Betsy. I was just getting started when she kicked me with her left leg. So I grabbed me a piece of rope and tied her leg to the stall. Just as I was starting again, she kicked me with her right leg. I grabbed another piece of rope and tied leg to the other side of the stall. I'll be darned if when I started again she smacked in the face with her tail. I grabbed another piece of rope and tied her tail to the rafter above. Mister, if you can convince my wife that I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 8741,
"title": "Best Pitch of Your Life"
},
{
"body": "Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8746,
"title": "Prince Charming"
},
{
"body": "\"No one dies a virgin, life screws us all!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8747,
"title": "No One..."
},
{
"body": "\"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.\"\r\n\r\n-Poor Bear",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8748,
"title": "Whinnie the Pooh"
},
{
"body": "Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over. \r\n\r\n-Unknown (boardofwisdom.com)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8750,
"title": "Heaven and Hell"
},
{
"body": "If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?\r\nAre children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?\r\nCan you make a candle out of your earwax?\r\nWhen French people swear do they say pardon my English?\r\nAren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?\r\nIf the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?\r\nCan a fire truck park in the fire lane?\r\nCan it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?\r\n\"Cute as a button\" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?\r\nCan you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?\r\nAre marbles made of marble?\r\nWhy does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?\r\nIf you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)\r\nWhy did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?\r\nWho was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out\"?\r\nWho was the first person to say, \"See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt\"?\r\nIsn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?\r\nIf electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?\r\nDo illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?\r\nCan you get cornered in a round room?\r\nWhy do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?\r\nWhy don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?\r\nIf an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?\r\nWhy is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?\r\nIn that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?\r\nHow come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?\r\nWhy is it that if something says, \"do not eat\" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?\r\nWhy are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?\r\nWouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?\r\nWhy are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?\r\n\"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?\"\r\nIsn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?\r\nWhy is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??\r\nWhy is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?\r\nCan mute people burp?\r\nWhat happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?\r\nWhy is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?\r\nHow come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?\r\nIf a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?\r\nIf heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?\r\nWhy is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?\r\nWhy isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa\r\nbeans, and all beans are a vegetable?\r\nDo they have girl's bathrooms in gay bars?\r\nWhy is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?\r\nWhy is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?\r\nWhy do you go \"back and forth\" to town if you really must go forth before you go back?\r\nWhy doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?\r\nWhy is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?\r\nWhy can't you get a tan on your palms?\r\nIf your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?\r\nWhy do dogs sniff other dog's bottoms to say hello, why don't they just bark in their face or something?\r\nWhy do companies offer you \"free gifts?\" Since when has a gift NOT been\r\nfree?\r\nIf something \"goes without saying,\" why do people still say it?\r\nYou know the expression, \"Don't quit your day job?\" Well what do you say to\r\npeople that work nights?\r\nWhy do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?\r\nWhy is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?\r\nWhy is a square meal served on round plates?\r\nWhy is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?\r\nWhich way does a compass point in space?\r\nWhy are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?\r\nWhy do all superheroes wear spandex?\r\nIf mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?\r\nWhy did Mary own a little lamb?\r\nIf a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?\r\nWhy can't a baby cry while it's inside its mother?\r\nIf the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?\r\nIf you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, \"I wish you would not grant me this wish\" what would you do?\r\nWhy are Pringles curved?\r\nWhat happens if your snot freezes in your nose?\r\nWhy aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?\r\nIf overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?\r\nWhy is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be \"under par\" in any thing else?\r\nIs Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?\r\nWhy do people say, \"You can't have your cake and eat it too\"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?\r\nCan bald men get lice??\r\nHow come popcorn isn't a vegetable?\r\nDo movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?\r\nDid Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?\r\nWhy is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?\r\nWhy is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water?\r\nWhy do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?\r\nIf I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?\r\nHow come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off?\r\nCan you get cornered in a round room?\r\nWhy do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?\r\nWhy don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?\r\nIf an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?\r\nWhy is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?\r\nIn that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?\r\n\"How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?\"\r\nWhy is it that if something says, \"do not eat\" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?\r\nIf you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn't you be able to go anywhere you want?\r\nIf our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?\r\nWhat would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?\r\nIf scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn't we now be seeing people from the future?\r\nDo pyromaniacs wear blazers?\r\nHow come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?\r\nSince bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?\r\nWhy is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?\r\nWhen something's funny why is it called a \"knee-slapper\" when you actually slap your thigh?\r\nWhy is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?\r\nSince a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?\r\nIf you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?\r\nIs sign language the same in languages other than English?\r\nWhy is \"number\" abbreviated as \"no\"? When there is no \"o\" in number?\r\nWhy do they call the small candy bars the \"fun sizes\"? Wouldn't be more fun to\r\neat a big one?\r\nDo the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?\r\nWhy do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?\r\nWho gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?\r\nIf you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her?\r\nIf money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?\r\nWhy is Donkey Kong called \"DONKEY\" Kong if he's a monkey?\r\nIf a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?\r\nHow important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?\r\nDo the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?\r\nWhen a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do you call a girl that is named after her mother? Just what was the \"Baby On Board\" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?\r\nDoes Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?\r\nIf your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?\r\nCan you cry under water?\r\nIf all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products?\r\n364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from\r\nstrangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ?\r\nWhy is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do?\r\nWhy do you have to \"put your two cents in\" but it's only a \"penny for your\r\nthoughts\"? Where's that extra penny going too ?\r\nWhy do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?\r\nWhy do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?\r\nWhy is Christmas colors red and green when Santa's suit is red and white?\r\nWhy do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper?\r\nSince there is a rule that states \"i\" before \"e\" except after \"c\", wouldn't \"science\" be spelled wrong?\r\nIf the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later?\r\nIf the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put\r\nthem at the end of the bathrooms ?\r\nWhy is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says \"adult\" is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18?\r\nWhy do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage?\r\nWhy do dogs walk around in circles before lying down?\r\nCan a metal plate in your head get rusted?\r\nDo stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?\r\nIf the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam?\r\nOnce you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?\r\nHow come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep them as a pet?\r\nWhat do vegetarians feed their dogs?\r\nCan someone give up lent for lent?\r\nWhy would Dodge make a car called Ram?\r\nWhy does a round pizza come in a square box?\r\nWhy is it when we duck they call us chicken?\r\nWhy is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17?\r\nWhat did cured ham actually have?\r\nIf CD's were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?\r\nIf lava melts rock, wouldn't the lava melt the volcano?\r\nIf a man has no fingers, can he press charges?\r\nCan a blind man see his future?\r\nAre children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?\r\nWhy does a round pizza come in a square box?\r\nWhy do people say, \"you've been working like a dog\" when dogs just sit around all day?\r\nCan you write in pencil on an eraser?\r\nHow is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?\r\nWhy is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?\r\nCan you blow a balloon up under water?\r\nCan crop circles be square?\r\nHow do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?\r\nWhy are there black lines on a basketball?\r\nDoes it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?\r\nWhy are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?\r\nIf you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st \u00e2\u0080\u0093 January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?\r\nIf marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?\r\nWhy are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?\r\nWhen a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?\r\nIf you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say \"30 minutes\" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you??\r\nWhy isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?\r\nWhen you see the weather report and it says \"partly cloudy\" and then the next day it says \"partly sunny\"; what's the difference?\r\nCan a person choke and die on a life savor?\r\nWhy are women and men's shoe sizes different?\r\nWhat happens when you say \"hi\" to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?\r\nIf you took a compass to outer space would it still point \"magnetic north\"? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space?\r\nWhy is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters?\r\nDo people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?\r\nDo you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?\r\nWhy do people who don't want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?\r\nWhy is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird?\r\nWhy are public toilet seats never complete ovals?\r\nIf we had a president that was a woman, would her husband be the first man?\r\nWhy do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before we can put\r\npasta into the water?\r\nIf a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money?\r\nWhy are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren't red and green the\r\ntraditional colors?\r\nWhy do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn't that make them slower when chasing someone?\r\nIf London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?\r\nWhy is it that people say they \"slept like a baby\" when babies wake up like every two hours?\r\nWhy do birds bob their heads when they walk?\r\nWhy is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?\r\nHow come wine and hard liquor doesn't come in cans, but beer does?\r\nWhen lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?\r\nIf people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won't eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?\r\nWhy do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?\r\nWhy does \"lake\" come first (Lake Michigan) and \"river\" come second (Mississippi River)?\r\nIf a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?\r\nIf I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity?\r\nWhat would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?\r\nDo glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?\r\nIf you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what day would you die?\r\nIf someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident?\r\nIf people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?\r\nIf the weather man says \"it's a 50% chance of rain\" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?\r\nIf you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?\r\nIf Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church?\r\nWhen you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?\r\nWhy are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?\r\nCan't anybody who has a job go in the \"employees only\" doors at restaurants? Shouldn't they be more specific and say \"employees of this place only\"?\r\nWhy do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars\r\nto look at things on the ground?\r\nWhat is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics?\r\nIf the police see some one committing a crime but are on there way to investigate a crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their way to?\r\nSeeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend?\r\nIs an alcoholic just a drunk that's scared of a hangover?\r\nIf shampoo comes in so many colors, why is the lather on your head always\r\nwhite?\r\nIf a table is propped up can it be propped down?\r\nIf our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...is it possible that there's another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil?\r\nWhy do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza?\r\nHow come, in the Mini Wheat's commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat's has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place?\r\nWhy do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn't people aim for their head or crotch?\r\nHow come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?\r\nCan you fart and burp at the same time?\r\nHow come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?\r\nHave you ever heard of a raisin that is not dry?\r\nIf two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters, would there kids be identical?\r\nIf your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove?\r\nIs it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?\r\nSince you have to pull over when you see a funeral coming down the\r\nroad...what would you do if there were a funeral coming down both sides?\r\nIf you can test drive cars at the dealer's, why not test-drive lawnmowers\r\naround at a hardware store?\r\nIs there anything easier done than said?\r\nIs it possible for a narcoleptic to have insomnia?\r\nSince the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people?\r\nIf no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play?\r\nAre you able to fart in heaven?\r\nWhy isn't sour cream really sour?\r\nDo they re-use body bags? Or do they throw them away and get new ones? The people using them wouldn't care anyway?\r\nWhy isn't the Q or the Z included on the phone\r\nWhy do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway?\r\nIf a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?\r\nDo ducks sneeze?\r\nWhy is that when fish die in water, they float to the top, but when humans die in water, they sink to the bottom?\r\nDon't you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub?\r\nWhy do they call it \"morning sickness\" in the middle of the afternoon?\r\nDid you know there is a page 666 in The Bible?\r\nIf money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it?\r\nCan vampires donate blood?\r\nIf a fire truck was on its way to a fire and it passes another fire, which fire would it go to?\r\nIf you could walk through the walls, wouldn't you fall through the floor?\r\nHow come when you go in the front door of a church, you are at the back of the church, and if you go in the back door, you would end up in the front of the church?\r\nIf your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?\r\nWhy is there an L in NOEL?\r\nIf you eat regular rice crispies with chocolate milk will it taste the same as eating co-co crispies with regular milk?\r\nWhy is Bra singular and Panties plural?\r\nWhat are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called?\r\nWhen you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?\r\nIf they develop a supersonic train, will they give it a whistle?\r\nDo fish ever get thirsty?\r\nWhy can't we sneeze with our eyes open?\r\nIf there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?\r\nIf you stick on stickers on non-stick pans, would they stick on?\r\nWhy don't ducks duck when you shoot at them?\r\nOn a hamburger bun, why is the top bun always bigger than the bottom one?\r\nWhy does breaking a mirror mean seven years of bad luck when seven is a lucky number??\r\nCan angels eat devils food cake?\r\nIf I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?\r\nIf ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?\r\nWhy do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the numbers on the calculator go the other way?\r\nWhy do we tie shoes to the back of a car for newly weds?\r\nIs it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down?\r\nIs bad a bad word?\r\nIf dinosaurs had sores.........what would they be called?\r\nWhat does the T in T-Shirt really mean?\r\nWhy does the label on children's Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!?\r\nWhy do they call front seat shotgun?\r\nWhy are all farms red?\r\nDo bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?\r\nWhy is there not a Channel 1 on TV?\r\nWhy are there dents in a golf ball?\r\nWhy are the obituaries found in the \"living\" section of the newspaper?\r\nHow can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?\r\nWhen you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not?\r\nWhat would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumdifier in the same room?\r\nAre one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?\r\nIf you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use dissapear because they didn't exist then?\r\nHow can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?\r\nDo cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?\r\nIf a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?\r\nIf you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?\r\nWhy do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?\r\nDid Noah keep his bees in archives?\r\nIf a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?\r\nIf all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?\r\nIf rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?\r\nWhat happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?\r\nWhat if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?\r\nWhy is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?\r\nWhen sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?\r\nWhat do mermaids eat?\r\nIf your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?\r\nIf the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?\r\nIf anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible?\r\nIs atheism is a non-prophet organization?\r\nIf a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?\r\nIf a policecar, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right away?\r\nWhy are all farms red?\r\nwhy are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't?\r\nAre there female leprechauns?\r\nDo judges and lawyers do jury duty?\r\nDo fish sleep?\r\nWould it be possible for a solar car to travel faster then the speed of light?\r\nIsn't it scary that the word \"therapist\" is the same as the words \"the\" and \"rapist\" put together?\r\nDo sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?\r\nOn a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?\r\nDo pigs pull ham strings?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8752,
"title": "Funny Thoughts"
},
{
"body": "What did the bee say to the naughty bee?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBee-Hive your self",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8754,
"title": "Naughty Bee"
},
{
"body": "When a guy asked a blond to take a survey, she asked, \"Do I have to bring it back?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8755,
"title": "Survey"
},
{
"body": "MEXICAN VIRUS \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n BUENOS DIAS!! \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nJOU HAVE YUST RECEIVED A MEHICAN BIRUS!!! \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nSINCE WE NOT SO TECHNOLOGICALLY ADBANCED IN MEHICO, DIS IS A MANUAL BIRUS.\r\n\r\nPLEASE DELETE ALL THE FILES ON JOUR HARD DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW. \r\n\r\nTAN JOU POR YELPING ME. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nJULIO MANUEL JOSE FEDENZIO RODRIGUEZ GARCIA , MEXICAN HACKER",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8757,
"title": "Mexican Virus"
},
{
"body": "Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslims are so quick to commit\r\nsuicide.\r\n\r\nLet's see now: No Jesus, No Wal-Mart, No Television, No Cheerleaders, No\r\nbaseball, No Football, No Basketball, No Hockey, No Golf, No Tailgate\r\nParties, No Home Depot.\r\n\r\nNo Pork BBQ, No Hot Dogs, No Burgers, No Lobster, No Shellfish, or even\r\nfrozen fish sticks, No Gumbo, No Jambalaya.\r\n\r\nMore than one wife.\r\n\r\nRags for clothes and towels for hats.\r\n\r\nConstant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are\r\nno doctors.\r\n\r\nConstant wailing from the guy up in the tower.\r\n\r\nNo chocolate cookies. No Christmas.\r\n\r\nYou can't shave. Your wives can't shave.\r\n\r\nYou can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey being cooked over\r\nburning camel dung.\r\n\r\nThe women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.\r\n\r\nYour bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey,\r\nbut your donkey has a better disposition.\r\n\r\nThen they tell you that when you die it all gets better.\r\n\r\nI mean, really, IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8762,
"title": "Why Muslim Commit Suciide"
},
{
"body": "Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and \r\n>>take\r\n>>them to their separate hotel\r\n>>rooms.\r\n>>\r\n>>The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His \r\n>>depression\r\n>>is made worse by the fact that,\r\n>>from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries \r\n>>of\r\n>>\"Here I come again ... ONE, TWO,\r\n>>THREE... UUH!\" all night long.\r\n>>\r\n>>In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, \"How did it go?\"\r\n>>The first mutters, \"It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get \r\n>>an\r\n>>erection.\"\r\n>>\r\n>>The second dwarf shook his head. \"You think that's embarrassing?\r\n>>\r\n>>\"I couldn't even get on the bed..\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8763,
"title": "Whats Going On?"
},
{
"body": "You may not know this but many non-living things have a\r\ngender.\r\n\r\n1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything\r\nin, but you can see right through them.\r\n2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it\r\ntakes a while to warm them up again. \r\n3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often\r\nover inflated.\r\n4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go\r\nanywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of\r\ncourse, there's the hot air part.\r\n5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft,\r\nsqueezable and retain water. \r\n6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting\r\nhit on.\r\n7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old\r\nlines to pick people up.\r\n8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the\r\nweight shifts to the bottom.\r\n9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much\r\nover the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have\r\naround.\r\n10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd\r\nbe male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a\r\nman pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he\r\ndoesn't always know the right buttons to push, he\r\nkeeps trying!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8765,
"title": "Did You Know?"
},
{
"body": "A blonde and a brunette are hanging from a pole to see who can hang the longest. The blonde is showing off by hanging from one hand. The brunette says, \"I bet you can't do no hands.\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde takes the challenge and loses the contest.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8766,
"title": "Who Can Hang Longer?"
},
{
"body": "I have learned to not jump out the window with a towel as a parachute.\r\n\r\n..never throw a boomerang if you don't know how to catch it.\r\n\r\n..don't fly a kite while facing towards the wind.\r\n\r\n..don't throw a cat on a dog.\r\n\r\n..never leave a three year old alone with duct tape and glue\r\n\r\n..don't let a friend make you laugh while eating unless he/she knows the heimlich maneuver.\r\n\r\n..don't ditch school if you don't know the way back home",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8768,
"title": "I Have Learned..."
},
{
"body": "Q: What do mice say when they see the moon??\r\n\r\nA: \"Ooh, Cheese!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8775,
"title": "\"Ooh, Cheese\""
},
{
"body": "While driving to work, I found myself behind an old Ford Falcon, with five teenage boys inside. The best part was the bumper sticker in the center of the rear window. It read:\r\n\r\nDON'T LAUGH, YOUR DAUGHTER COULD BE IN HERE!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8778,
"title": "Funny Bumper"
},
{
"body": "I never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed appoint",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8779,
"title": "BEST BUTTON I EVER READ"
},
{
"body": "When I worked in the tourist industry in Florida, we got to wear some of the buttons that were for sale. My favorite read :\r\n\r\nWe love serving tourists; I like mine well done!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8780,
"title": "Favorite Button"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into the Microsoft Shop.\r\n\r\nGuy: I'd like a cheesecake, please.\r\n\r\nReceptionist: Sure.\r\n\r\nThe receptionist hands him a block of cheese.\r\n\r\nGuy: Umm... This is just the cheese. Where's the cake?\r\n\r\nRec: You have to purchase that seperately.\r\n\r\nGuy: What the ----? What kind of product are you trying to sell me? Oh well.\r\n\r\nRec: Good. I knew you'd understand.\r\n\r\nThe Rec hands him the cake.\r\n\r\nGuy: So... What do I do with the cheese and the cake?\r\n\r\nRec: You blend it.\r\n\r\nGuy: With what?\r\n\r\nThe Rec hands him a blender.\r\n\r\nThe guy puts the cheese and the cake into the blender and blends it.\r\n\r\nGuy: Now I have a bunch of liquid. What do I do with it?\r\n\r\nRec: Oh ---- you retard, you're supposed to exchange the cake for the batter first.\r\n\r\nGuy: For the sake of Pete, what the ----? Fine. Let's start over. So I get the cheese and I get the cake. Then I exchange the cake for the batter, right?\r\n\r\nRec: Yep.\r\n\r\nThe guy blends it.\r\n\r\nGuy: Right... I'm still stuck with a load of liquid.\r\n\r\nRec: You're supposed to cook it.\r\n\r\nGuy: With what?\r\n\r\nRec: With this full-sized oven.\r\n\r\nGuy: What the ----?\r\n\r\nRec: Yep.\r\n\r\nThe guy cooks the cheesecake.\r\n\r\nGuy: Hey Rec! My cake is hot! Aren't cheesecakes supposed to be frozen?\r\n\r\nRec: Yeah, you need to put it in that freezer behind you for 24 hours. Since you're not an employee, it costs $1 a minute to use it.\r\n\r\nGuy: You mean I'm supposed to pay $1440 to freeze my cake?\r\n\r\nRec: Wow! You're good at math! And, yes.\r\n\r\nThe guy puts his cheesecake in the freezer, pays his over-inflated bill, and leaves.\r\n\r\n\r\nThe next day, he comes back and finds the cake gone.\r\n\r\nGuy: What happened to my cheesecake?\r\n\r\nRec: Well, you see, at lunch about an hour ago, there was this guy who was still hungry and saw the cheesecake and ate it.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOn a completely unrelated note, the guy's brother bought a computer from Microsoft.\r\n\r\nGB: How do I type my work?\r\n\r\nRec: Install Office.\r\n\r\nGB: Sure.\r\n\r\nGB: Umm... how do I install it?\r\n\r\nRec: You use a CD.\r\n\r\nGB: Oh. Whoops, I jammed my cubicle into my case instead. Let's start over. So, I buy the computer and I install Office using a CD. Umm... I don't get how to do it.\r\n\r\nRec: You put the CD in the drive and let it Autorun.\r\n\r\nGB: What the ---- is a drive?\r\n\r\nRec: Why don't you leave your computer here and let us do it for you?\r\n\r\nGB: Sure.\r\n\r\nThe guy's brother leaves the computer and goes home.\r\n\r\n\r\nThe next day, he comes back.\r\n\r\nGB: Yeah, I left my computer here yesterday?\r\n\r\nRec: No, there's no record of that. There was an extra computer here yesterday, so the shipping people shipped it off to CraCom.\r\n\r\nGB: CraCom? As in CrappyCompany? It went bankrupt 2 hours ago!\r\n\r\nRec: Oh, I'm sorry. Would you care to buy a notebook?\r\n\r\nGB: I already have one in my pocket, thanks.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 8781,
"title": "The Microsoft Cheesecake"
},
{
"body": "I almost got fired for telling this joke at work:\r\n\r\n\r\nDo you know why fireman have bigger balls than policeman?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThey sell more tickets!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 8784,
"title": "IT'S OBVIOUS"
},
{
"body": "There was once an extremely wealthy woman who had reached the age of \"over 50\" without ever having a boyfriend, let alone a date or sex. She determined to catch up with the rest of the world and set her lawyer & accountants to find her the perfect man to share her life & money.\r\n\r\nHer requirements were: he must be handsome, intelligent, athletic and above all he must be a virgin.\r\n\r\nThe lawyer & accountants started a world-wide search to fulfill her request, and after almost a year found the perfect candidate in the wilds of Australia. He was everything their client wanted and had never even seen a woman.\r\n\r\nAfter much convincing, the groom was put on a jet to meet the bride. It was love at first sight for the woman & the nuptials took place almost immediately.\r\n\r\nThe bride shyly removed to the bathroom after excusing herself to her new husband. When she returned to the bedroom a few minutes later, she found him naked in the center of the room with all the furniture pushed back against the walls.\r\n\r\nWhen she inquired the groom stated: \" I don't know squat about women, but if they're anything like kangaroos.....we're going to need all the room we can get.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8785,
"title": "Newlyweds"
},
{
"body": "An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. \r\n\r\nThe artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. \r\n\r\n The accountant said, \"I like both.\" \r\n\r\n\"Both?\" \r\n\r\nThe accountant replied \"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 8786,
"title": "Doing Work"
},
{
"body": "To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. \r\n\r\nTo the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8787,
"title": "The Glass"
},
{
"body": "I was watching my friend instant message. She was talking to a kid that she knew. The kid had lost his hat. I suggested, rather foolishly, to look in his nose. (As a joke, of course) My friend typed this. He then wrote (without seeing the message that my friend wrote) I'm going to look there on Monday.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8789,
"title": "AIM"
},
{
"body": "A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.\r\n\r\nThe owner says, \"How about a dog?\"\r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!\"\r\n\r\nThe owner says, \"How about a cat?\"\r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!\"\r\n\r\nThe owner thinks for a minute, then says, \"I've got it -- a centipede!\" The man says, \"A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede.\"\r\n\r\nHe gets the centipede home and says to it, \"Clean the kitchen.\" Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.\r\n\r\nHe's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, \"Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.\" The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.\r\n\r\nThe man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.\r\n\r\nThe man says, \"Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?\"\r\n\r\nThe centipede says, \"I'm goin'! I'm goin'! Just putting on my shoes!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8795,
"title": "The Perfect Pet"
},
{
"body": "How do we look at a calendar to find what date it is, when we don't know the date?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8798,
"title": "Calendars"
},
{
"body": "One day a duck walked into a drugstore and bought some lipstick. She walked up to the clerk and said, \"Put it on my bill!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8799,
"title": "Duck"
},
{
"body": "How is it we look in a dictionary to figure out how to spell something if we don't know how to spell it?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8800,
"title": "Dictionary"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nOscar\r\nOscar who?\r\nAsk her a silly question, get a silly answer!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 8801,
"title": "Oscar"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so dumb, She invented water proof tea bags.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8803,
"title": "Yo Momma So Dumb..."
},
{
"body": "An ejector seat on a helicopter.\r\n\r\nA fly screen on a submarine.\r\n\r\nAn ashtray for a motorcycle.\r\n\r\nA lead balloon.\r\n\r\nA bikini for Eskimos.\r\n\r\nSugar-cube fishing bait.\r\n\r\nA glass baseball bat..",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8804,
"title": "Stupid Inventions!"
},
{
"body": "1.Doctor, Doctor! My son swallowed a pen, what should I do?\r\n\r\nUse a pencil instead!\r\n\r\n2.Doctor, Doctor! I think I'm getting shorter!\r\n\r\nYou'll just have to be a little patient.\r\n\r\n3.Doctor, Doctor! I'm invisible!\r\n\r\nI'm sorry, sir, I can't see you right now.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 8805,
"title": "Doctor,Doctor!"
},
{
"body": "1. Send him to the store for tampons, telling him to ask which is the best brand.\r\n\r\n2. When he tells you he loves you say, \"I do, wait, I don't love you!\"\r\n\r\n3. Tell him you're a covicted serial killer everytime he asks you how are you.\r\n\r\n4. Spill his favorite and most expensive cologne down the toilet and tell him he made me do it!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8806,
"title": "4 Ways to Annoy Your Boyfriend"
},
{
"body": "One night, a little boy and his father were having a conversation. The father asked the boy, \"Can you say your ABC's, son?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes I can! A...B..C...\" and he goes through the whole alphebet.\r\n\r\nThe father then said, \"That's good, but can you say it backwords?\"\r\n\r\nThe boy smiles and says, \"yeah\", so he turns around and says, \"A...B...C...\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8808,
"title": "ABC'S"
},
{
"body": "A man called the computer company because he was having trouble with his computer. A woman answered the phone.\r\n\"Hello. May I help you?\r\n\"Yes. I'm having trouble with my computer. Every time I press the enter key my computer goes biserk.\"\r\n\"I think I know what you should do.\"\r\n\"Really?\"\r\n\"Yes.\"\r\n\"What should I do?\"\r\n\"You should stop pressing the enter key.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8811,
"title": "Computer Trouble"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's like 7-11...\r\n\r\nCause she is open all day.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8812,
"title": "7-11"
},
{
"body": "A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, \"Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time.\" He was. The doctor stole his car.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 8816,
"title": "Man With a Sprained Ankle"
},
{
"body": "One day the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. \r\n\r\nOn their return from their trip, the father asked his son, \"How was the trip?\" \"It was great, Dad.\" \"Did you see how poor people can be?\" the father asked. \"Oh, yeah,\" said the son. \"So what did you learn from the trip?\" asked the father. \r\n\r\nThe son answered, \"I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. \r\n\r\n\"We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.\" \r\n\r\nAt this the boy's father was speechless. Then his son added, \"Thanks, dad, for showing me how poor we are.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8820,
"title": "What it Means to be Poor"
},
{
"body": "Dick and Jane were arguing over the breakfast table.\r\n\r\n\"Oh you're so stupid!\"\r\nshouted Dick.\r\n\r\n\"Dick!\" said their father, \"That is enough! Now say you're sorry!\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay,\" said Dick, \"I am sorry you're stupid.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8822,
"title": "The Argument"
},
{
"body": "The King sent for his wise men all\r\nTo find a rhyme for W.\r\nWhen they had thought for a time,\r\nBut could not think of a single rhyme,\r\n\"I'm sorry,\" he said,\" To trouble you.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8823,
"title": "The Search For W"
},
{
"body": "Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, \"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?\"\r\n\r\n\"Actually, yes, we are,\" one cleric replied. \"How did you know?\"\r\n\r\n\"Easy,\" said the caddy, \"I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 8825,
"title": "Golfing"
},
{
"body": "knock-knock\r\n\r\nwho's there?\r\n\r\nduck\r\n\r\nduck who? \r\n\r\nduck I just threw a frisby at you!!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 8828,
"title": "Duck"
},
{
"body": "A man who digs?\r\nDoug!\r\n\r\nA man who doesn't dig?\r\nDouglas!\r\n\r\nA woman with a cat on her head?\r\nKitty!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8829,
"title": "What Do You Call?... 2"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so old, she was stood up by King Tut, before he became a mummy.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8830,
"title": "Yo Mummy..."
},
{
"body": "It's a sunny morning in a big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! \"Who's been eating my porridge?\" he squeaks.\r\n\r\nDaddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! \"Who's been eating my porridge?\" he roars.\r\n\r\nMommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch and screams, \"For gosh sakes, how many times do we have to go through this crap? I haven't made the porridge yet!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8833,
"title": "The Three Bears"
},
{
"body": "1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.\r\n\r\n2. Say \"Wouldn't you like to know?\" every time someone asks you a question.\r\n\r\n3. Specify that your drive-through order is \"to go.\"\r\n\r\n4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of \"Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip...\"\r\n\r\n5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.\r\n\r\n6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.\r\n\r\n7. Speak only in a \"robot\" voice.\r\n\r\n8. Push all the flat Lego pieces tightly together.\r\n\r\n9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will \"swipe your grub\".\r\n\r\n10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.\r\n\r\n11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.\r\n\r\n12. Sniffle incessantly.\r\n\r\n13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.\r\n\r\n14. Name your dog \"Dog.\"\r\n\r\n15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to \"keep them tuned up.\"\r\n\r\n16. Reply to everything someone says with, \"that's what YOU think.\"\r\n\r\n17. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.\r\n\r\n18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for \"violating your air space.\"\r\n\r\n19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a \"real hoot.\"\r\n\r\n20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.\r\n\r\n21. Practice making fax and modem noises.\r\n\r\n22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.\r\n\r\n23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.\r\n\r\n24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.\r\n\r\n25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a \"spider person.\"\r\n\r\n26. Finish all your sentences with the words \"in accordance with prophecy.\"\r\n\r\n27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.\r\n\r\n28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.\r\n\r\n29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.\r\n\r\n30. Disassemble your pen and \"accidentally\" flip the ink cartridge across the room.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8834,
"title": "30 Ways to Annoy Your Friends"
},
{
"body": "An application was for employment\r\nA program was a TV show\r\nA cursor used profanity\r\nAnd a keyboard was on a piano!\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nMemory was something that you lost with age\r\nAnd a CD was a bank account\r\nAnd if you had a corrupted disk\r\nIt would hurt when you found out! \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nCompress was what you did to garbage\r\nNot something you did to a file\r\nAnd if you unzipped anything in public\r\nYou'd be in jail for a while! \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nLog on was adding wood to a fire\r\nA hard drive was a trip on the road\r\nA mouse pad was where a mouse lived\r\nAnd a backup happened to the commode! \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nCutting, you did with a pocket knife,\r\nPasting, you did with glue.\r\nThe Web was where a spider lived\r\nAnd a virus was the flu!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8836,
"title": "Life Before Computers"
},
{
"body": "Coca-Cola was originally green. \r\n\r\nEvery day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. \r\n\r\nHershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. \r\n\r\n1/4 of LA is taken up of automobiles.\r\n\r\nThe state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.\r\n\r\n2 out of 5 people live in China or India.\r\n\r\nAverage number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61000. \r\n\r\nThe city with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong. \r\n\r\nThe most commonly used password on computer systems is \"password\".\r\n\r\nThe youngest pope was 11 years old. \r\n\r\nThe San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. \r\n\r\nQ. What separates \"60 Minutes,\" on CBS from every other TV show? \r\nA. No theme song. \r\n\r\nQ. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? \r\nA. Their birthplace.\r\n\r\nQ. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? \r\nA. All invented by women. \r\n\r\nQ. This is the only food that doesn't spoil. \r\nA. Honey \r\n\r\nQ. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? \r\nA. He was allergic to carrots.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8838,
"title": "Did You Know?"
},
{
"body": "Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThat equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nWith $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIf he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIf he goes to see a movie, it will cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIf he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nHe'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIf you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIn his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nHowever, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8839,
"title": "Who Earns More??"
},
{
"body": "Child 1: Whatcha gonna do?\r\n\r\nChild 2: I'm gonna watch TV!\r\n\r\nChild 1: Guess what? I'm the QUEEN of the TV Freaks!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8841,
"title": "What Are You Gonna Do?"
},
{
"body": "Everyone can be an Echo!\r\n\r\n1] Repeat everything a person says & does in an exaggerated way\r\n\r\n2] If your victim tries to get you to stop by saying something like, 'I'm a stupid furball,' say ' at least you have the courage to admit it!'\r\n\r\n3]This is the most important instruction!\r\n DO NOT LET YOUR VICTIM NEAR A BOOK!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8842,
"title": "How to be a Human Echo"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat that she uses all of Mexico as a tanning bed.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8844,
"title": "Tanning Bed"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat she needs to lose weight.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8846,
"title": "This One is Dumb"
},
{
"body": "1) That's not right - Sum Ting Wrong\r\n\r\n2) Who are you with? - Hu Yu Hai Ding\r\n\r\n3) See me ASAP - Kum Hai Nao\r\n\r\n4) Stupid Man - Dum Gai\r\n\r\n5) Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni \r\n\r\n6) Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan\r\n\r\n7) I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Band Mai Ni\r\n\r\n8) It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim\r\n\r\n9) I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching\r\n\r\n10) This is a tow away zone - No Pah Ding\r\n\r\n11) Our meeting is next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao\r\n\r\n12) Staying out of sight - Lai Ying Lo\r\n\r\n13) He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8851,
"title": "LANGUAGE FUN!"
},
{
"body": "You can hear mimes.\r\n\r\nYou begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.\r\n\r\nThe Sun is too loud.\r\n\r\nTeddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.\r\n\r\nYou ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.\r\n\r\nYou can skip without a rope.\r\n\r\nTrees start chasing you. \r\n\r\nKnow Someone Who's Stressed Out... Or You Just Want To Make Laugh? Pass This Forward Along Today!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8853,
"title": "You Know You're Too Stressed If..."
},
{
"body": "Message from www.dating.com:\r\n\r\nYour dating ad has been on the net\r\nfor 8 weeks without any answer!\r\nDo you rather want us to try\r\none week without a picture?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8855,
"title": "Message"
},
{
"body": "You're a..\r\n\r\nJanuary- talented\r\nFebruary- lowlife\r\nMarch- immature\r\nApril- wild\r\nMay- exciting\r\nJune- weird\r\nJuly- selfish\r\nAugust- hot\r\nSeptember- scary\r\nOctober- messed up\r\nNovember- cool\r\nDecember-sexy\r\n\r\n\r\nNow pick the color shirt you have on\r\n\r\n\r\nPink- cupcake sales person\r\nBlue- hooker\r\nRed- bartender\r\nGreen- Celebrity\r\nPurple- Mc Donalds worker\r\nWhite- slut\r\nYellow- taxi driver\r\nBlack- chef\r\nOrange- homeless\r\nGray- stripper\r\nNo shirt- millionare\r\nOther- toe nail clipper\r\n\r\nLAST...the day you were born\r\n\r\n1- that loves food\r\n2- that hates kids\r\n3- that needs attention\r\n4- that is a murderer\r\n5- who sucks at reading\r\n6- who strips to pay for bills\r\n7- who kills kids\r\n8- who goes to dunkin donuts everyday\r\n9- that loves laguna beach\r\n10- that is OCD with something\r\n11- that is cheating on someone for $$\r\n12- who never brushes their hair\r\n13- who licks peoples toes\r\n14- who is a gold digger $$\r\n15- that wants to be in love\r\n16- who is secretly bi\r\n17- that is a whore\r\n18- who is anorexic\r\n19- that wants a vibrator\r\n20- that owns two chinese fighting fish\r\n21- that wants to have chinese food\r\n22- that is obsessed with myspace\r\n23- who loves cats\r\n24- who wants sex\r\n25- who is a bookworm\r\n26- who will never have sex\r\n27- who is a drug addict\r\n28- who will live to be 121\r\n29- who takes naked pictures of themselves\r\n30- who will stay in the same place forever\r\n31- who needs to brush their teeth",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8858,
"title": "Tell What are You?"
},
{
"body": "* This is a good reminder, for all of us. You can never read this \r\ntoo many times!! \r\n \r\n1. Tip from police: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough, USE IT! \r\n \r\n2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more \r\ninterested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! \r\n\r\n3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has\r\nsaved lives. \r\n\r\n 4. Women have a tendency to get into their car after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS & LEAVE. \r\n\r\n5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage: \r\nA.) Be AWARE: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. (and check out under the car as you approach) \r\n B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get\r\ninto their cars. \r\n C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work \r\nand get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)\r\n \r\n6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and a perfect crime spot).\r\n\r\n 7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!\r\n\r\n 8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp and often asked \"for help\" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when\r\nhe abducted his next victim.\r\n\r\n* Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird.The police told her \"Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.\" The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, \"We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.\" He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls \r\nby women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. \r\n\r\n* Please pass this on! and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby. This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer, in Louisiana. \r\n\r\n* Forward this message to all the women you know. It may save a life.\r\n\r\n* A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle.\r\n \r\n* I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.\r\n\r\nBe Smart, Safe, and have a nice Holiday in the coming weeks ahead!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8860,
"title": "You Can't Ever be to Safe"
},
{
"body": "I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! \r\n\r\nWhen I was young we used to go \"skinny dipping,\" now I just \"chunky dunk.\" \r\n\r\nWouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? \r\n\r\nStress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. \r\n\r\nMy husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said. \r\n\r\nJust remember...if the world didn't ****, we'd all fall off. \r\n\r\nIf raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! \r\n\r\nBrain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. \r\n\r\nBut Most Of All, Remember !\r\n\r\nA Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!!!!!!!!!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8862,
"title": "Good Bra"
},
{
"body": "Two contracters were building a house. While they were sawing a board, the saw slipped and cut of one of the contracter's ears off. They were looking through the sawdust and one contracter came up with the ear. He asked his co-worker, \"Is this it?\" The other one said \"No, mine had a pencil behind it!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 8876,
"title": "This Yours?"
},
{
"body": "Former First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. \r\nHillary says to Janet, \"You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.\"\r\n\r\nJanet responded. \"Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.\"\r\n\r\nHillary asks, \"Well how do you deal with the problem?\"\r\n\r\nJanet: \"Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can.\"\r\n\r\nWell, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.\r\n\r\nBill rolls over and says, \"Is that you Janet?.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8885,
"title": "Is That You?"
},
{
"body": "Patient: \"It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth.\"\r\nDentist: \"I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 8886,
"title": "Wallet"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you keep a cheepskate busy?\r\n\r\nA: Put him or her in a round room and tell them that you droped a $20 bill in the corner.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8887,
"title": "Cheapskate"
},
{
"body": "One day Tommy was sitting in class, the teacher came over and told him to go out in the hallway. He got mad and he didn't move. \r\n Five minutes later, she came back over to him and tapped him on the shoulder. \"I thought I told you to go out in the hallway.\" \r\n \"I did,\" He told her lying through his teeth. \r\n \"Ok then, so what did you do with your gifts?\" she asked. \r\n \"What gifts?\" \r\n \"Your mom was outside in the hallway holding some gifts for you for your birthday, did you not see her or were you lying to me?\" \r\n So he ran outside the class but his mom was gone. He was very upset but as he was walking back into the class, the teacher said, \"Gotcha, that will teach you to disobey me and lie.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8888,
"title": "\"What Gifts?\""
},
{
"body": "I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. \r\nBecause of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. \r\n\r\nI no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. \r\n\r\nI no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. \r\n\r\nI no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. \r\n\r\nI no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day \r\n\r\nI no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being plastic. \r\n\r\nI no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. \r\n\r\nI no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. \r\n\r\nI no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Zebekistan. \r\n\r\nI no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. \r\n\r\nI no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. \r\n\r\nI no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. \r\n\r\nI no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. \r\n\r\nThanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!) \r\n\r\nI no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). \r\n\r\nI no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. \r\n\r\nYes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me! \r\n\r\nI will now return the favor. \r\n\r\nIf you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. \r\n\r\nI know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician! \r\n\r\nAin't spam great?!?!?",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 8891,
"title": "The Joys of E-mail"
},
{
"body": "A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, \"Are you ready to find Jesus?\" The drunken man answers, \"Yes, I am.\" So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, \"Brother have you found Jesus?\" \r\n\r\nThe drunken man replies, \"No, I haven't found Jesus.\" \r\n\r\nThe preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, \"Have you found Jesus my brother?\" The drunk again answers, \"No, I haven't found Jesus.\" \r\n\r\nBy this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, \"For the love of God have you found Jesus?\" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, \"Are you sure this is where he fell in?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 8892,
"title": "Finding Jesus"
},
{
"body": "There are two guys walking down the street when they stumble upon a drunk. They walked up to him and the 1st guy said, \"Sir, what is you name?\"\r\n \"My name is Jesus Christ!\" slurred the drunk.\r\n \"That can't possibly be, what is your real name?\" asked the 2nd man.\r\n The drunk repeated, \"I told you my name is Jesus Christ!\"\r\n The two men still didn't believe him so the drunk told them to follow him as he walked into a nearby bar.\r\n It was then they heard the bartender say, \"Jesus Christ, are you here again?!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 8894,
"title": "Jesus Christ!"
},
{
"body": "I don't need to write a joke! Whenever I see your face I start to laugh anyway!!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8895,
"title": "Hey You!!"
},
{
"body": "Why did the boy sprinkle sugar underneath his pillow that night?\r\nHe wanted to have sweet dreams.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8896,
"title": "Suger Sweetnezz"
},
{
"body": "Why are llamas big and brown?\r\nBeacause if they were small & grey, they would be mice.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8898,
"title": "Llamas & Mice?"
},
{
"body": "What is black & white an red all over?\r\nA penguin holding its breath!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8899,
"title": "Artic Cold"
},
{
"body": "What to a blonde is long and hard?\r\n4th Grade",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8903,
"title": "Long and Hard"
},
{
"body": "1) How does a blonde kill a fish?\r\n\r\nShe drowns it!\r\n\r\n2) How does a blonde kill a bird?\r\n\r\nShe throws it off a cliff!\r\n\r\n3) How does a blonde lose 5 pounds?\r\n\r\nShe takes off her make up!\r\n\r\n4) Why does a blonde wash her hair in the sink?\r\n\r\nBecause thats where you wash vegetables!\r\n\r\n5) What did the blonde think of her new computer?\r\n\r\nShe couldn't get channel 9!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8905,
"title": "5 Jokes"
},
{
"body": "1) Did you hear about the blond skydiver?\r\nShe Missed!\r\n\r\n2) What do you call a blonde holding a balloon?\r\nTwins!\r\n\r\n3) Why doesn't a blonde drive a BMW?\r\nBecause she can't spell it!\r\n\r\n4) How is a blonde the same as a bottle?\r\nThier both empty from the neck up!\r\n\r\n5) Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?\r\nShe missed!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8906,
"title": "5 Jokes (2)"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: John, why is your cat at school today?\r\nJohn: (crying)..I heard the milkman tell mom..\"When the kid goes to school i'm gonna eat your pussy!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8912,
"title": "Eat Your Pussy"
},
{
"body": "Question: What is brown and sticky?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnswer: A stick! Duh.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8913,
"title": "Sticky"
},
{
"body": "1. During recess time,\r\n I like skipping rope.\r\n When I skip I shout a rhyme,\r\n And jump with all my hope.\r\n\r\n\r\n2. I didn't study for the test even though I should've.\r\n I was playing PS2 and I would've,\r\n so I copied off of yours,\r\n I got them all wrong,\r\n so now I sing this song. (sing over and over this is an endless song.)\r\n\r\n3. Some gum chum?\r\n It's watermelon,\r\n although I chewed it some,\r\n and it is jerybellum. (jerybellum - bubble gum co.)",
"category": "Children",
"id": 8916,
"title": "3 Childish Poems"
},
{
"body": "Doctor doctor! I keep thinking I'm invisible! WHO SAID THAT?!?!?",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 8920,
"title": "Docter! Doctor 3"
},
{
"body": "What does the male centipede say to the other male centipede when a female centipede walks by?\r\n\r\nThat's a nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs.....",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8921,
"title": "Pair of Legs"
},
{
"body": "There was once a blonde who was extremely sad with life because people always made fun of her. She decided to do something about it. She sat back and thought about it.\r\n\r\nSuddenly she thought - \"I have never seen anyone making fun of brunettes. So, if I start talking and behaving like them and dye my hair brown, no one will be able to make out that I am a blonde and make fun of me.\"\r\n\r\nShe went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice, she walked confidently into a shop and said, \"I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini.\"\r\n\r\nImmediately, the man behind the counter said \"Are you a blonde?\" The blonde was taken aback and she repeated her request. The man behind the counter said, \"Are you a blonde or not?\"\r\n\r\nThis man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owner's discerning ability and so she admitted to the fact after which she asked, \"But how did you know?\"\r\n\r\nThe shopkeeper replied, \"This is a hardware store!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8922,
"title": "Go Brunette"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma'a so stupid she stopped at a stop sign and waited untill it changed to 'Go!'",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8930,
"title": "Stupid Momma"
},
{
"body": "What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?\r\n\r\nGetting fingered by Captain Hook.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8933,
"title": "Captain Hook"
},
{
"body": "What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?\r\n\r\n\r\nWe taste like chicken!!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8934,
"title": "Chicken"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?\r\n\r\n\r\nOne is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8938,
"title": "What's the Difference?"
},
{
"body": "What does a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?\r\n\r\nMen always miss them.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8939,
"title": "SO TRUE"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so fat she was forced to become a nudist.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so fat she was forced to live in a barn.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so fat that when she walked outside, naked, the cops had to have hand-cuffs specially designed for her.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so fat that they had to create a prison specifically designed for her on an island.\r\n\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so fat that when she jumped in the ocean to head towards the island it threw the Earth out of orbit.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so fat that she accidently killed a blue whale by stepping on it... \"oops\", she said and went on.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so fat, she's just obese.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so fat that when she reached the prison she wouldn't fit through the door.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so stupid that once they fixed the door she didn't know how to get through.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so stupid they had to try to teach her about shapes on the prison.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so stupid she didn't pass the test.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so dense that when the cops called her a bitch she just laughed her ass off.\r\n\r\nAnd they had a great time.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so fat she's even fatter than Cartman's ass, that's right, from South Park.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so dense she kept touching an electric wire and laughing. \"Haha, ouch\", she said. \"Haha, ouch\", she said.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so weird, that for her free time she pranced around in the meadow nude. Fortunely, it threw the Earth back into orbit.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so dense, she can't differeniate colors.\r\n\r\nYo Momma's so cheap, that they set her free.\r\n\r\nIn the end, Yo Momma now lives in the ghetto.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8941,
"title": "Yo Momma so..."
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so ugly, she turned medusa to stone!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8942,
"title": "Hideous"
},
{
"body": "An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. \r\n\r\n\"Well, now,\" says the old lady, \"I guess I would like to be really rich.\" \r\n\r\n*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. \r\n\r\n\"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.\" \r\n\r\n*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman. \r\n\r\n\"Your third wish?\" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. \"Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?\" she asks. \r\n\r\n*** POOF *** \r\n\r\nThere before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, \"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8943,
"title": "Poof!"
},
{
"body": "Warning - Please DO NOT look at the bottom of the page before you answer ALL the questions\r\n\r\n1) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?\r\n\r\n2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?\r\n\r\n3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?\r\n\r\n4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?\r\n\r\n5) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?\r\n\r\n6) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?\r\n\r\n7) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?\r\n\r\n\r\nANSWERS:\r\n1. (talk)\r\n2. (legs)\r\n3. (a twenty dollar bill)\r\n4. (firetruck)\r\n5. (fork)\r\n6. (Almond Joy candy bar)\r\n7. (last name)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8951,
"title": "Testing Your Vocabulary"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's So stupid she put yellow for the answer to the following question:\r\n\r\nWhat color is Santa's red suit?",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8958,
"title": "Santa"
},
{
"body": "You're about as useful as a bargain hunter in Sears!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8962,
"title": "Sears"
},
{
"body": "1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die from natural causes.\r\n\r\n\r\n2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8963,
"title": "Why Eat Healthy?"
},
{
"body": "Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time. \r\n\r\n- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn! \r\n\r\n- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any. \r\n\r\n- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot. \r\n\r\n- I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne. \r\n\r\n- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home. \r\n\r\n- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas. \r\n\r\n- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time. \r\n\r\n- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning. \r\n\r\n- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse. \r\n\r\n- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers. \r\n\r\n- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing. \r\n\r\n- I can taste my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies. \r\n\r\n- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8964,
"title": "Checkout Lines"
},
{
"body": "The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market. \r\n\r\nThe agents will be called \"Pseudo Feds.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 8965,
"title": "Black Market Drugs"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so stupid she shoved a battery up her butt and yelled I've got the power",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 8966,
"title": "Power"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between a black owl and a white owl?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA: White owl: Who who \r\n Black owl: Who that who that",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 8968,
"title": "What's the Difference?"
},
{
"body": "Once there was a blond, a red head, and a brunette. They had to tell a joke in order not to go to hell.\r\n\r\nSo the red head goes first:\r\n\"What do you call a boy going to jail? \r\nA Micheal Jackson lover.\"\r\n(not that funny) So she goes to hell.\r\n\r\nThen the burnette says: \r\n\"What's the difference between your mama and the blond's mama?\r\nThe blond's has a bigger chance on giving it up \r\nand yours doesn't need any.\"\r\n(not that funny either) So, she goes to hell as well.\r\n\r\nFinally, the blond says:\r\n\"Knock-knock! \r\nWho's there?\r\nGod \r\nGod who?\r\nGodzilla!\" (not that funny)\r\nBut, the blond gets in! Why?\r\n\r\nBecause, she used God and didn't notice it.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 8969,
"title": "Whos the Smart One Now?"
},
{
"body": "An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about preparing a will. The receptionist suggested they set up a convenient time for the spinster to come to the office. \"You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?\" the elderly woman asked. The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and went to the spinster's home to discuss her estate and the will. \r\n\r\nThe lawyer's first question was, \"Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?\" \"I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank,\" she replied.\r\n\"Tell me just how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?\" the lawyer asked. \"Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on,\" said the woman. \"I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.\"\r\n \r\n\"Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!\" the lawyer exclaimed. \"I need to know, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?\"\r\nThe spinster replied, \"As you know, I've never married and the fact is I've never slept with a man. So before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me just once.\" \"This is a very unusual request,\" the lawyer said, \"but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.\"\r\n\r\nThat evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went in. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out, so she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, \"Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the county bury her.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 8973,
"title": "Last Will and Testament"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toypen?\r\n\r\nA: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, \"Lie to me, lie to me!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 8975,
"title": "Raggedy Ann"
},
{
"body": "A man and his wife are in the bed watching \"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?\"\r\n\r\nHe turns to her and says, \"Do you want to have sex?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" she answered. He replies, \"Is that your final answer?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" she said. He then replies, \"I'd like to phone a friend.\"\r\n\r\nThat's the last thing he remembers. . . .",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8983,
"title": "\"I'd Like to Phone a Friend.\""
},
{
"body": "Here's 50 cents\r\n\r\n\r\ncall someone who cares",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8984,
"title": "Heres 50 Cents"
},
{
"body": "If you can tell time...\r\n\r\nWhy can't you tell that I don't have time for you?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8985,
"title": "Can You Tell Time?"
},
{
"body": "Ever wonder why your ears are where they are?\r\n\r\nJust think, if they were on your butt, you would have to pull down your pants to hear what I'm saying\r\n\r\n--REDD FOXX",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8986,
"title": "Ears to Ya"
},
{
"body": "There once was a girl named Ann Hyser\r\nWho claimed that no man could surprise her.\r\nBut old Pabst made a push\r\nat the Schlitz in her Busch\r\nand now she is sadder Budweiser!\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n*This joke was made by Bill Klompus* Go Bill!!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 8987,
"title": "A Beer Song! *not For Young Kids!*"
},
{
"body": "There was a stupid boy named Max. His dad wanted to see what he would do if he gave him a dollar, so Max's dad gave him a dollar the next day. Max was so excited. As he walked to school that day, the dollar in his hand, a little girl came up to him and said, \"I will give you 2 shiny quarters for that dollar.\" Max figured that 2 was better than 1, so he willingly traded. When Max reached the school, a little boy came up to him and said, \"I'll give you 3 dimes for those 2 quarters.\" Max traded again. Then his teacher came up to him, and knowing that he was so dumb, asked him to trade his 3 dimes for 4 nickels. Again, he traded. As Max was walking home from school that day, a old man came up to him and said, \"Will you trade those 4 nickels for these 5 pennies?\" Max traded. When Max got home, his dad asked his where his money was. Max showed him and Max never got money again.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8990,
"title": "Max"
},
{
"body": "Why did our founding fathers expressed equality, but the constitution says people born in other countries can't be president?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8991,
"title": "Constitution"
},
{
"body": "Please tell me how to obey these signs:\r\n\r\nAll Night Dance Club; NO MUSIC ALLOWED\r\n\r\nPublic Stairway; Please do not climb on stairs\r\n\r\nCountry Road; NO PEDESTRIANS OR AUTOMOBILES\r\n\r\nA room in a touch-an-feel musem; Do not touch\r\n\r\nA seminar for the deaf; Please listen to others\r\n\r\nLocal bookstore; Feel free to read books in this section, however do not read them in this store\r\n\r\nA local carpet store completely covered in rugs; Come in! Please do not step on rugs\r\n\r\nAnd please tell me who wrote these signs.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8992,
"title": "Please Tell Me"
},
{
"body": "In the 60's, people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8993,
"title": "Transformation Over Time"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when a dinosuar stubs its toe?\r\n\r\nA: Stubasaurus",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 8994,
"title": "STUBBED TOE"
},
{
"body": "This above a uranal.\r\n\r\n\r\nWhat are you looking at? The real joke is in your hands!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 8996,
"title": "Bathroom Uranal"
},
{
"body": "General Ways to Annoy People\r\n\r\nAnnounce when you're going to the bathroom.\r\n\r\nAsk people to prove everything they say. \r\n(e.g. \"I'm Bob, nice to meet you...\" \r\n\"PROVE IT!\")\r\nONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.\r\nBefore exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8997,
"title": "Annoy1"
},
{
"body": "How To Annoy People In An Elevator:\r\nAsk, \"Did you hear that cable snapping sound?\"\r\nCall the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you're on. \r\nDrop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, \"That's mine!\"\r\nHum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 8998,
"title": "Annoy2"
},
{
"body": "Ways To Annnoy Your Roommate\r\nBecome a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime.\r\nAsk your roommate if your family can move in \"just for a couple of weeks.\" \r\nBuy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. \r\nChain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9000,
"title": "Annoy4"
},
{
"body": "Ways To Annoy People In The Computer Lab\r\nBring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. \r\nLight candles in a circle around your terminal before starting. \r\nPlay \"Pong\" for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. \r\nTry to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9001,
"title": "Annoy5"
},
{
"body": "Ways To Annoy People On The Subway\r\nStand in front of the doorway and glare at people when they try to get by.\r\nConstantly ask people for directions.\r\nDon't take a shower for a month.\r\nTell the people your problems. They really want to know.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9002,
"title": "Annoy"
},
{
"body": "An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.\r\nThe human resources manager tells him, \"You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.\"\r\n\r\nTaken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, \"You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address or internet access you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.\"\r\n\r\nStunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than two hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.\r\n\r\nDuring the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is purchasing the tomatoes he resells, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.\r\n\r\nBy the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.\r\n\r\nConsulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, \"What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!\"\r\n\r\n\"Ha!\" snorts the man. \"If I'd had e-mail and the internet five years ago, I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour.\"\r\n\r\nWhich brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.\r\n\r\nSadly, I received it also.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 9005,
"title": "Email and Internet"
},
{
"body": "How many rich people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nNone. They hire people to do it for them.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 9007,
"title": "Rich People"
},
{
"body": "A blond and a red-head were planning to go to an amusement park.\r\n\r\nWhen they got to the park the blond asks, \"who will pay, You or me?\".\r\n\r\nSo the red-head says, \"I'll tell you what, you'll pay for entrance, and I'll pay for all the rides.\" (The rides don't cost anything at all!)",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9010,
"title": "Amusement Park"
},
{
"body": "There once was a small jokester called Joey, who was visting at his Grandpa's. Now Grandpa was rather short of temper, so after Joey had been standing in the doorway for 5 minutes, trying to decide whether or not to go outside, he said, ''Hurry up, now will you?''\r\nJoey turned around and frowned. ''Keep your hair on,'' he grumbled. Seeing Grandpa's bald head, he giggled, ''Opps! To late!''",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9011,
"title": "Keep You're Hair On!"
},
{
"body": "In a slave market, an owner is showing his slaves for selling.\r\nA man come to the shop and pointing to an American slave and asked, \"how much he is?\". The owner said, \"$100\". And the man pioint to a Russian slave, asked again, and the owner reply, \"$1000\". The man point to Japanese slave, and the owner reply , \"$10000\".\r\nFinally the man point to a African slave and ask the price, the owner reply, \"$100000\".\r\n\r\nThe customer is confused and ask, \"Why that black slave cost too much?\".\r\nThe owner reply, \"His brain is still new, he never used his brain\".\r\n-----------------------------------\r\n\r\nI don't mean to make someone feel bad.\r\nCoz i am a afro-american :)",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 9014,
"title": "Slave Market"
},
{
"body": "What are you laughing at? Your mom is a hooker!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 9015,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "How many feet does a black rooster have?\r\nHow many wings does a black rooster have?\r\nHow many heads does a black rooster have?\r\n\r\n\r\nHow many hairs are on the back of a white cat?\r\n\r\nWhy is it that you know more about a black cock rather than a white pussy?",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 9017,
"title": "Black and White"
},
{
"body": "Q. What do you call a blond, redneck lawyer?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA. Yo Momma!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 9019,
"title": "What Do You Call...."
},
{
"body": "The best things in life are free and the worst things in life cost only $19.95.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9020,
"title": "The Best and Worst Things in Life."
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama is so fat that when she has sex she has show directions!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9023,
"title": "Fat Mama Love!"
},
{
"body": "Bobby-Hey do you remember what the teacher said in fourth hour?\r\n\r\nJessica-?--------???\r\n\r\nBobby-Did you just have a blonde moment?",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9024,
"title": "Did You?"
},
{
"body": "So I have this great knock knock joke for you!\r\n\r\n\r\nKnock Knock\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nHello?\r\n\r\nHello who?\r\n\r\nHello?\r\n\r\nHello who!!?\r\n\r\nOh Hi?\r\n\r\nHey, I have this great knock knock joke for you!\r\n\r\nOkay knock knock.\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nHello?\r\n\r\nWho's there!!!!!!??\r\n\r\nThe door slams.\r\n\r\nKnock knock. Ding Dong.\r\n\r\nFine.\r\n\r\nHello?\r\n\r\nHello?\r\n\r\nHello!!!?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n*peacecylone*",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 9026,
"title": "Hello?"
},
{
"body": "On a very busy high way there stood three images. Santa, The easter bunny and a smart mexican. Well who crossed the street first?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nNone\r\n\r\n\r\nThere is no such thing as santa, the easter bunny, or a smart mexican.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 9028,
"title": "Cross the Road?"
},
{
"body": "What's missing?\r\n\r\nch_ _ ch\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n U R \r\n\r\nyou are",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9029,
"title": "What's Missing"
},
{
"body": "What is a robot's favorite food?\r\n\r\nNuts and bolts!",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 9032,
"title": "Robot's Food?"
},
{
"body": "Q. Where does a fish like to sleep?\r\n\r\nA. In a river bed!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 9033,
"title": "Where?"
},
{
"body": "Q. Where do Comedians go if they are sick?\r\n\r\nA. To the He-He-Mergency room!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 9034,
"title": "Where Do They Go?"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why was the Gum so mad in class?\r\n\r\nA. It was Chewed Out!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9035,
"title": "The Gum was Mad"
},
{
"body": "Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a computer?\r\n\r\nA. A lot of Bytes!!!",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 9037,
"title": "What Do You Get?"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why was the piano locked out?\r\n\r\nA. Because he had no keys!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9038,
"title": "Why Was He?"
},
{
"body": "Q. Who likes to make dinner for Peter Pan?\r\n\r\n\r\nA. Captain Cook!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9039,
"title": "Who Likes To?"
},
{
"body": "Q. What do you call a cow that gives chocolate milk?\r\n\r\n\r\nA. An Utter Delight!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 9040,
"title": "What Do You Call?"
},
{
"body": "Outside a small Macedonian village, close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent.\r\nShe is the last caretaker of a site of significant historic developments. The convent once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. When the Greek Church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.\r\nAnd that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 9042,
"title": "Greek Nun"
},
{
"body": "A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, \"I'm running away from home!\" \r\n\r\nThe father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. \"What if you get hungry?\" he said. \r\n\r\n\"Then I'll come home and eat!\" bravely declared the child. \"And what if you run out of money?\" \r\n\r\n\"I will come home and get some!\" readily replied the child. \r\n\r\nThe man then made a final attempt, \"What if your clothes get dirty?\" \r\n\r\n\"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them,\" was the reply. \r\n\r\nThe man shook his head and exclaimed, \"This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9043,
"title": "Unruly Child"
},
{
"body": "Why couldn't the Human Torch get married?\r\n\r\nHe couldn't find his Match!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9045,
"title": "Why He Could Not Get Married."
},
{
"body": "What do you call a stupid garbage can?\r\n\r\nA Dumb-ster!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9046,
"title": "What Do You Call A?"
},
{
"body": "What did the director say after making the Mummy Movie?\r\n\r\n\"It's a Wrap!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9047,
"title": "What Did the Director Say?"
},
{
"body": "Q. What always stays hot inside a refridgerator?\r\n\r\nA. Salsa!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9048,
"title": "What Always.....?"
},
{
"body": "Mrs. Colter was explaining that there were rules for voting in the United States.\r\n\r\n \"You have to be at least eighteen, you have to be a citizen, and-\"\r\n\r\n John blurts out, \"And you can't vote for democrats!\"*\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n* All credit for this goes to John Rieger, who wouldn't shut up during sixth period.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 9051,
"title": "No Democrats"
},
{
"body": "My little sister recently asked me:\r\n\"Why does the conductor of the band always wave his magic wand, but the players never disappear?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9052,
"title": "Magic Baton"
},
{
"body": "No, of course it isn't.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9053,
"title": "Is This Joke a Duplicate?"
},
{
"body": "GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY\r\nDESTROYED BY FLOOD Crawford, Texas (AP)\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one. The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9054,
"title": "Library Destroyed By Flood"
},
{
"body": "Q. What little girl takes from the rich and gives to the poor?\r\n\r\nA. Little Red Robbin' Hood!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9056,
"title": "Little Red Riding Hood"
},
{
"body": "Your mama is so fat because your mama's mama passed down genes!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9057,
"title": "Genes..."
},
{
"body": "You're so fat you turn the world upside down!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 9058,
"title": "Upside Down!"
},
{
"body": "A priest and a rabbi are sitting in a park talking. A young boy walks by, the priest says \"Hey, you want to screw him?\" and the rabbi says \"Out of what?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 9059,
"title": "Priest and Rabbi"
},
{
"body": "A man had just got to his hotel room with his newlywed wife on thier honeymoon. He said, \"Let's screw.\" So they took off their clothes and got close and started kissing and the man said, \"Wait, we don't have a condom, I'm not ready for kids yet.\" So the man called up the bellhop and asked him to bring up a condom. When the bellhop got their he said, \"Here is your condom sir, would you like me to put it on your bill?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9060,
"title": "The Bellhop"
},
{
"body": "A cowboy an indian and a muslim were in an airport waiting for their flight. \r\n\r\nAfter some silence the indian says. \"Once my people were many, now we are few.\"\r\n\r\nThen the muslim says, \"My people were many, we are still many,\" he turns to the cowboy, \"Why do you think that is?\"\r\n\r\nThe cowboy says, \"Maybe that's 'cause we haven't played cowboys 'n' muslims yet.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 9065,
"title": "Cowboy Indian and Muslim"
},
{
"body": "A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.\r\n\r\nThe accountant says: \"Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.\" He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, \"what is your occupation?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm a whore,\" she says.\r\n\r\nThe accountant balks and says, \"No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that.\" \r\n\r\nThe woman says, \"OK, I'm a high-end call girl.\"\r\n\r\n\"No, that is still too crude. Try again.\"\r\n\r\nThey both think for a minute, then the woman says, \"I'm an elite chicken farmer.\" \r\n\r\nThe accountant asks, \"What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl?\r\n\r\n\"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year.\"\r\n\r\nHe replies: \"Good enough.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 9072,
"title": "Tax Time"
},
{
"body": "Boudreaux's first military assignment was to a military induction center and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.\r\n\r\nBefore long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting.\r\n\r\nThe Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch\r\n\r\nBoudreaux stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, \"If you have da normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which cost you only $30.00 a month, the government has to\r\npay your beneficiary $200,000.\"\r\n\r\n\"Now,\" Boudreaux concluded, \"which bunch do you think they gonna send to Iraq first?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 9073,
"title": "Sales Pitch"
},
{
"body": "How do you plant dope?\r\n\r\nBury a blond.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9074,
"title": "How Do You Plant Dope??"
},
{
"body": "A blond was stuck on an island. She could not get off, but there was an interesting structure on the island that intrigued her. It was a building with a small hole running through the bottom of it, and a bit away from it was a small hole, about five inches in diameter. She realized that there was no food on the island. She was stuck there for two days when the intendent came out and said, \"Ma'am, the pedestrians here would appreciate it if you would get off of the Western Golf Course for awhile.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9075,
"title": "Western Course"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat, she sneezed and caused a hurricane!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9079,
"title": "It's Windy Out Here!"
},
{
"body": "A mother explained to her daughter, \"We didn't have TVs not to long time ago, sweetie.\"\r\n\r\nShe looks at her mother strangely and asks, \"Then how did they play their VCR's?",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9080,
"title": "VCR's"
},
{
"body": "A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor asked her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.\r\n\r\nAs the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.\r\n\r\n\"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, they help me sleep at night.\"\r\n\r\n\"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!\"\r\n\r\nShe reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.\r\n\r\n\"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 18 year old granddaughter drinks; believe me, it helps me sleep at night!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9081,
"title": "Birth Control"
},
{
"body": "1. knock knock,\r\n who's there?\r\n Ima,\r\n Ima who?\r\n Ima hungry can we eat yet?\r\n2. knock knock,\r\n who's there?\r\n peas,\r\n peas who?\r\n peas can we start know\r\n3. knock knock,\r\n who's there?\r\n phil,\r\n phil who?\r\n phil my cup up with water please",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 9086,
"title": "Meal Time Knock-knocks"
},
{
"body": "Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. \r\n\r\nIn the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, \"Vat sims to be ze problem?\" \r\n\r\nHarvey says, \"I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'\" \r\n\r\nThe old man says, \"Mmm-Hm!\" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock. \r\n\r\nHe turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, \"Ve haf vays of making you tock!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 9087,
"title": "Trying to Fix a Clock"
},
{
"body": "rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9090,
"title": "Rude"
},
{
"body": "\"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade.\" \r\n\"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?\"\r\n\"Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9092,
"title": "Razor"
},
{
"body": "TEACHER: John, how do you spell \"crocodile\"?\r\nJOHN: \"K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L.\" \r\nTEACHER: No, that's wrong.\r\nJOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!",
"category": "College",
"id": 9093,
"title": "Spell it"
},
{
"body": "SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? \r\nFATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?\r\nSYLVIA: Your name on this report card.",
"category": "College",
"id": 9094,
"title": "Report Card"
},
{
"body": "Of course you know they have changed the look of twenty dollar bills recently.\r\n\r\nWhat happens to the old ones?\r\n\r\nBill Gates gets them!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9101,
"title": "TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS"
},
{
"body": "Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. \r\n\r\nPinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. \r\n\r\nGepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. \r\n\r\nA couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, \"How's the girlfriend?\" \r\n\r\nPinocchio replied, \"Who needs a girlfriend?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9103,
"title": "Pinocchio"
},
{
"body": "From a brunette's point of view:\r\nBlondes may have more fun but hey, at least we can read!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9117,
"title": "Reading"
},
{
"body": "Want to know a dirty joke? \r\n\r\nA white horse falls into a mud puddle. \r\n\r\nWanna know a clean joke? \r\n\r\nThe horse takes a shower.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 9119,
"title": "Clean/dirty"
},
{
"body": "What do the letters \"INRI\" at the top of Jesus' cross stand for?\r\n\r\nI'm Nailed Right In.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 9125,
"title": "Jesus"
},
{
"body": "Jesus sees a woman being assaulted by an angry crowd and steps in front of her and says, \"let he who hath no sin cast the first stone.\" \r\nFrom the crowd comes a rock flying at the woman. Jesus looks over and says, \"Damn it mother, sometimes you really piss me off.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 9126,
"title": "Jesus and the Stone"
},
{
"body": "A farmer is going down the road with his horse pulling his wagon and his dog lying next to 'em. The farmer says, \"It sure is hot out here.\" The horse turns back and says, \"It sure is.\" The farmer says, \"I didn't know horses could talk.\" The dog said, \"Neither did I.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 9127,
"title": "The Farmer"
},
{
"body": "A guy was smoking a cigarette. \r\n\r\nAnother guy comes up to him and asks, \"Do you have an extra cigarette?\" \r\n\r\nThe first guy looks at the box and reads that it contains 20 cigarettes. \r\n\r\nHe counts all the cigarettes in his box and says,\"Nope, don't got any extra cigarettes\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9130,
"title": "Cigarettes"
},
{
"body": "Who is Yo Momma? \r\n\r\nYo Momma doesn't know.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9132,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "Over 75% of the jokes submitted to this site are duplicates. Please search the website before submitting a joke to make sure yours it is not already listed.\r\n\r\nBefore submitting your joke, please check it for spelling and grammatical errors because you will not be able to correct them later.\r\n\r\nIf this is your first time submitting a joke, please review the Style Guidelines.\r\n\r\nMost importantly, do not use copyrighted jokes without the permission of the author.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9133,
"title": "Submit a Joke"
},
{
"body": "This is laziness!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9134,
"title": "What is Laziness?"
},
{
"body": "Two guys decided to go buy two pigs. So after they bought them they wanted to know which one was who's.\r\n\r\nSo they went to the barn but when they got there the two pigs were fighting. After they broke them up one pig was missing a ear. So one guy said, \"What are we going to do now?\" \r\n\r\nSo after they thought about it for a while they went back to the barn. When they got there the pigs were fighting again. After they broke them up one pig was missing a tail. So the guy said, ''What now?''\r\n\r\nAfter they thought about it for a while they went back to the barn. The pigs were fighting again. After they broke them up one pig was missing a leg. So the guy said, ''What now?'' The other guy said, \"FUCK IT! I get the white one and you get the black one.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 9153,
"title": "2 Little Pigs"
},
{
"body": "A man was screaming into his phone saying \"Can you hear me now?\". Annoyed, a CIA offical said \"Yes, we can hear you now!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9156,
"title": "BUSH ALLOWS SPYING on Americans"
},
{
"body": "To save a tree remove a Bush.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 9158,
"title": "Trees and Bushes"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a woman with one black eye?\r\n\r\nA fast learner.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9159,
"title": "Sexist"
},
{
"body": "When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it? \r\n\r\nUSA Today: WE'RE DEAD \r\n\r\nThe Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS \r\n\r\nNational Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN \r\n\r\nMicrosoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE \r\n\r\nVictoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE \r\n\r\nSports Illustrated: GAME OVER \r\n\r\nWired: THE LAST NEW THING \r\n\r\nRolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR \r\n\r\nReaders Digest: 'BYE \r\n\r\nDiscover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS? \r\n\r\nLady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW \"ARMAGEDDON\" DIET! \r\n\r\nAmerica Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES. \r\n\r\nInc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE \r\n\r\nTIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 9186,
"title": "End of the World Headlines"
},
{
"body": "A crab and an ant lost their homes. The crab says to the ant, \"I'm going to find us a place to sleep tonight.\" They're walking and the crab sees a naked lady walking towards them. \"Hey, ant. You see that lady? We're going to crawl up to her bush and go to sleep there tonight.\" Once up there, the crab say's to the ant, \"You see that door? You go up there and sleep tonight and I'll sleep in her bush.\" That night when they were asleep the lady had a guy friend come over and they had sex.\r\n\r\nThat morning the ant say to the crab, \"How did you sleep, Crab?\" \r\n\r\nThe crab says, \"Great. How did you sleep, Ant?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" the ant says \"in that door you sent me at about two o'clock in the morning, someone stuck there fist in there and beat my ass. After that, they spit on me!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 9187,
"title": "The Crab and the Ant"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so stupid she ties her shoes with spahgetti so she can eat and run.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9188,
"title": "Stupid"
},
{
"body": "You know your are in Alaska when you go to court and they ask you where you were on the night of October to April!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9189,
"title": "Alaska"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so bald, I can read her mind",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9191,
"title": "Momma"
},
{
"body": "Can a mane date the sister of his widow?\r\n\r\nNo, because you can't date when you are dead.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9196,
"title": "Puede Un Hombre?"
},
{
"body": "Person #1: \"Want to hear a joke?\"\r\nPerson #2: \"Sure.\"\r\nPerson #1: \"Your face.\"\r\n\r\n ~\r\nYour momma is so fat, she is overweight.\r\n\r\n ~\r\nTwo turds were hanging out. The first one was moaning and groaning. The second one asked, \"What's wrong?\" The first one replied, \"I feel like crap.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9206,
"title": "The World's Most Retarded Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Once, there was a blonde who called her boyfriend and said, \"Baby, I'm working on this puzzle and it's really hard. Can you come and help me?\" He asked what it looked like and she replied saying that there was a tiger on the box. The boyfriend was convinced to come over and help. She welcomed him at the door and showed him the mess of pieces on her coffee table. After observing the peices, the boyfriend said, \"Okay, sweetie, let's sit down, relax, have some coffee, then can we please put the frosted flakes back in the box?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9209,
"title": "Troubling Puzzle"
},
{
"body": "D.A.R.E. sadly doesn't stand for Drugs Are Really Excellent.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9210,
"title": "Dare"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so stupid she asked to buy a vowel on Wheel of Fortune and said \"S\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9232,
"title": "Wheel"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny Clever was in Mrs. Gleason's 3rd grade class for just a couple of weeks when he ran home to his mom and showed her a little 3x3 piece of paper. It had the word \"Homework\" crossed out in a circle with a slash (the very same you see with no smoking signs)\r\n\"What is this?\" The mother said inquiringly.\r\n\r\n\"Its a no homework pass mommy! I raised my hand the most in class. All you have to do is sign it and I dont have to do any homework for tonight!\" says Johnny excitedly!\r\n\r\n'Well thats a good thing to keep kids interested in the subject and class participation. I bet this teacher's been teaching for quite a while!' thought his mother as she signed the slip for him.\r\n\r\n So the next day Johnny comes home again just as excited. He won another no homework pass. His mother was starting to be very proud. This happened every day for the whole nine weeks.\r\n On report card day, Johnny came home with a D and she started to wonder if maybe he shouldnt be given so many no homework passes but when she asked him about it, he said that the tests were just very hard. \r\n\r\n\"Well that's allright Johnny, mommy didnt do very well on tests when she was a little girl either. But thats why you have to do your homework to keep up the test grades from making you to fail.\"\r\n\r\n The same thing happened all next nine weeks with the no homework pass, and Johnny's mom was sure that her little boy was going to get an A next report card. She started bragging to all her co-workers just how well little Johnny was doing. Johnny's dad was hearing the good work that his son was doing and was boasting to all of his co-workers as well. At the end of the nine-weeks, they both decided to have a party and let everyone see the big improvement their son was having from bringing that C up to an A.\r\n On the big report card day, Mom and Dad were laughing and having a good time when Little Johnny came in the front door and saw all the guests his mom and dad had. Taken aback by this, he asked his mom what was going on.\r\n\r\n\"This is for you honey! for doing so well in school! Show everyone your report card!\"\r\n\r\n\"Um mom... my teacher wants you to call her first before you open the report card?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh?\" she said? 'She must want to tell me what a great job Little Johnny's been doing!' she thought... so called the teacher and put her on loud speaker for everyone to hear.\r\n\r\n\"Ahem, Mrs. Gleason? Hi! This is Mrs. Clever! Little Johnny's mom! Im so happy you wanted to speak to me about my little boy!\" exclaimed Johnny's mom.\r\n\r\n\"Mrs. Clever? I'm not too sure what you're talking about... Did you see the report card?\"\r\n\r\n Thinking this was the big moment, and she opened up the card to see the big F that Johnny came home with. Obviously getting upset at the teacher because she knew immediately what happened... she spoke back very flustered.\r\n\r\n\"Mrs. Gleason! I am appalled! If johnny wasnt doing so well, why did you keep giving him the no homework passes that I was signing??\"\r\n\r\n\"N-n-no homework PASSES?\" a chuckling Mrs. Gleason started... \"no no no... They're no homework SLIPS, when the children dont do their homework! they have to get them signed and bring them back!\"\r\n\r\n\"....oh really...\" Mrs Clever started to eye little Johnny as he started backing away...\r\n\r\n\"You mean to tell me that he's been telling you they're no homework passes?\"\r\n\r\n..... So the next day, Johnny couldnt sit down very well.\r\n..... and the next day after that, Johnny had his homework.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9245,
"title": "No Homework Pass"
},
{
"body": "- You're so stupid, you got locked inside a grocery store and starved to death!\r\n\r\n- You're so big, you play pool with the planets!\r\n\r\n- You're so fat, when you went outside in yellow clothes, someone screamed, \"TAXI!\"\r\n\r\n- You're so big, when you go to the movies, you sit next to everybody!\r\n\r\n- You're so ugly, when you were born, the doctor slapped your parents.\r\n\r\n- You're so stupid, the three stooges use you as an inspiration!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 9257,
"title": "Comebacks!"
},
{
"body": "A judge frowns at the criminal report of the man he is judging. \r\nHe asks, \"So you robbed the same store on three successive nights?\"\r\nThe robber replies, \"Yes your honor.\"\r\nThe judge, even more perplexed asks, \"And why was that?\"\r\n\"Because my wife wanted a dress,\" says the robber.\r\nThe judge checks with his records, \"But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!\"\r\n\"Yes sir. She made me exchange it twice.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9258,
"title": "Shopping"
},
{
"body": "What kind of sneakers do chickens wear?\r\n\r\nRe-bok-bok-bok-bok-bok.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 9259,
"title": "Chicken Shoes"
},
{
"body": "Mr. Smith: \"So, Mr. Jones, how's your son John?\"\r\n\r\nMr. Jones: \"He's at Harvard right now.\"\r\n\r\nMr. Smith: \"Oh, really?! Well, congratulations! What's he studying?\"\r\n\r\nMr. Jones: \"Oh, he's not studying anything. They're studying him.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 9272,
"title": "John"
},
{
"body": "Here are more funny thoughts from www.crazythoughts.com.\r\n\r\n\r\nWhy do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit? \r\nWhy is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?\r\nWhy is a square meal served on round plates?\r\nWhy is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?\r\nWhich way does a compass point in space? \r\nWhy are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?\r\nWhy do all superheroes wear spandex?\r\nIf mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?\r\nWhy did Mary own a little lamb? \r\nIf a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?\r\nWhy can't a baby cry while it's inside its mother?\r\nIf the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?\r\nIf you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, \"I wish you would not grant me this wish\" what would you do?\r\nWhy are Pringles curved?\r\nWhat happens if your snot freezes in your nose?\r\nWhy aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?\r\nIf overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?\r\nWhy is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be \"under par\" in any thing else?\r\nIs Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?\r\nWhy do people say, \"You can't have your cake and eat it too\"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?\r\nCan bald men get lice?? \r\nHow come popcorn isn't a vegetable? \r\nDo movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?\r\nDid Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?\r\nWhy is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?\r\nWhy is snow white and ice clear? Aren't they just different forms of water?\r\nWhy do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?\r\nIf I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?\r\nHow come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off?\r\nWhy do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?\r\nWhy is it that if something says, \"do not eat\" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?\r\nIf you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn't you be able to go anywhere you want?\r\nIf our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?\r\nWhat would happen if you were to feed a pig some bacon?\r\nIf scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn't we now be seeing people from the future?\r\nDo pyromaniacs wear blazers?\r\nIf you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9287,
"title": "Funny Thoughts 2"
},
{
"body": "How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?\r\nSince bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?\r\nWhy is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?\r\nWhen something's funny why is it called a \"knee-slapper\" when you actually slap your thigh?\r\nWhy is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?\r\nSince a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?\r\nIf you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?\r\nIs sign language the same in languages other than English?\r\nWhy is \"number\" abbreviated as \"no\"? When there is no \"o\" in number?\r\nWhy do they call the small candy bars the \"fun sizes\"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?\r\nDo the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?\r\nWhy do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?\r\nWho gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?\r\nIf you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her?\r\nIf money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?\r\nWhy is Donkey Kong called \"DONKEY\" Kong if he's a monkey?\r\nIf a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?\r\nHow important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?\r\nDo the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?\r\nWhen a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do you call a girl that is named after her mother?\r\nJust what was the \"Baby On Board\" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?\r\nDoes Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?\r\nIf your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch? Can you cry under water?\r\nIf all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products? \r\n364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from \r\nstrangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ? \r\nWhy is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do? \r\nWhy do you have to \"put your two cents in\" but it's only a \"penny for your thoughts\"? Where's that extra penny going too ? \r\nWhy do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine? \r\nWhy do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?\r\nWhy is Christmas colors red and green when Santa's suit is red and white? \r\nWhy do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper? \r\nSince there is a rule that states \"i\" before \"e\" except after \"c\", wouldn't \"science\" be spelled wrong?\r\nIf the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later? \r\nIf the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put them at the end of the bathrooms ?\r\nWhy is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says \"adult\" is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18? \r\nWhy do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage? \r\nWhy do dogs walk around in circles before lying down? \r\nCan a metal plate in your head get rusted?\r\nDo stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves? \r\nIf the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam? \r\nOnce you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? \r\nHow come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep them as a pet?\r\nWhat do vegetarians feed their dogs? \r\nCan someone give up lent for lent?\r\nWhy would Dodge make a car called Ram?\r\nWhy does a round pizza come in a square box?\r\nWhy is it when we duck they call us chicken?\r\nWhy is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17?\r\nWhat did cured ham actually have?\r\nIf CD's were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?\r\nIf lava melts rock, wouldn't the lava melt the volcano?\r\nIf a man has no fingers, can he press charges?\r\nCan a blind man see his future?\r\nAre children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?\r\nWhy does a round pizza come in a square box? \r\nWhy do people say, \"you've been working like a dog\" when dogs just sit around all day?\r\nCan you write in pencil on an eraser?\r\nHow is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?\r\nWhy is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?\r\nCan you blow a balloon up under water?\r\nCan crop circles be square?\r\nHow do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?\r\nWhy are there black lines on a basketball?\r\nDoes it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?\r\nWhy are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?\r\nIf you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st \u00e2\u0080\u0093 January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?\r\nIf marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?\r\nWhy are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?\r\nWhen a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?\r\nIf you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say \"30 minutes\" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you??\r\nWhy isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?\r\nWhen you see the weather report and it says \"partly cloudy\" and then the next day it says \"partly sunny\"; what's the difference?\r\nCan a person choke and die on a life savor?\r\nWhy are women and men's shoe sizes different? \r\nWhat happens when you say \"hi\" to your friend on an airplane who's name is Jack?\r\nIf you took a compass to outer space would it still point \"magnetic north\"? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space? \r\nWhy is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters? \r\nDo people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?\r\nDo you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?\r\nWhy do people who don't want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer? \r\nWhy is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird?\r\nWhy are public toilet seats never complete ovals?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9288,
"title": "Funny Thoughts 3"
},
{
"body": "If we had a president that was a woman, would her husband be the first man?\r\nWhy do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before we can put pasta into the water?\r\nIf a criminal turns himself in shouldn't he get the reward money? \r\nWhy are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren't red and green the traditional colors?\r\nWhy do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn't that make them slower when chasing someone?\r\nIf London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down? \r\nWhy is it that people say they \"slept like a baby\" when babies wake up like every two hours? \r\nWhy do birds bob their heads when they walk? \r\nWhy is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill? \r\nHow come wine and hard liquor doesn't come in cans, but beer does?\r\nWhen lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?\r\nIf people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won't eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?\r\nWhy do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?\r\nWhy does \"lake\" come first (Lake Michigan) and \"river\" come second (Mississippi River)?\r\nIf a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? \r\nIf I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity?\r\nWhat would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?\r\nDo glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?\r\nIf you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what day would you die?\r\nIf someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident?\r\nIf people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?\r\nIf the weather man says \"it's a 50% chance of rain\" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not? \r\nIf you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?\r\nIf Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church?\r\nWhen you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?\r\nWhy are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?\r\nCan't anybody who has a job go in the \"employees only\" doors at restaurants? Shouldn't they be more specific and say \"employees of this place only\"?\r\nWhy do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?\r\nWhat is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics?\r\nIf the police see some one committing a crime but are on there way to investigate a crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their way to?\r\nSeeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend?\r\nIs an alcoholic just a drunk that's scared of a hangover?\r\nIf shampoo comes in so many colors, why is the lather on your head always white?\r\nIf a table is propped up can it be propped down?\r\nIf our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...is it possible that there's another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil?\r\nWhy do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza?\r\nHow come, in the Mini Wheat's commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat's has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place?\r\nWhy do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn't people aim for their head or crotch?\r\nIf you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?\r\nHow come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?\r\nCan you fart and burp at the same time?\r\nHow come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?\r\nHave you ever heard of a raisin that is not dry?\r\nIf two identical twin brothers married identical twin sisters, would there kids be identical?\r\nIf your glove is too big, does it still fit like a glove?\r\nIs it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?\r\nSince you have to pull over when you see a funeral coming down the road...what would you do if there were a funeral coming down both sides?\r\nIf you can test drive cars at the dealer's, why not test-drive lawnmowers around at a hardware store?\r\nIs there anything easier done than said?\r\nIs it possible for a narcoleptic to have insomnia?\r\nSince the U.S. says United We Stand, does that offend legless people? \r\nIf no one buys a ticket to a movie, does the movie still play?\r\nAre you able to fart in heaven?\r\nWhy isn't sour cream really sour?\r\nDo they re-use body bags? Or do they throw them away and get new ones? The people using them wouldn't care anyway?\r\nWhy isn't the Q or the Z included on the phone\r\nWhy do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway?\r\nIf a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?\r\nDo ducks sneeze?\r\nWhy is that when fish die in water, they float to the top, but when humans die in water, they sink to the bottom?\r\nDon't you find it weird we teach our kids: scrub a dub dub, three men in a tub?\r\nWhy do they call it \"morning sickness\" in the middle of the afternoon? \r\nDid you know there is a page 666 in The Bible?\r\nIf money is the root of all evil then how come churches ask for it? \r\nCan vampires donate blood?\r\nIf a fire truck was on its way to a fire and it passes another fire, which fire would it go to?\r\nIf you could walk through the walls, wouldn't you fall through the floor?\r\nHow come when you go in the front door of a church, you are at the back of the church, and if you go in the back door, you would end up in the front of the church?\r\nIf your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?\r\nWhy is there an L in NOEL?\r\nIf you eat regular rice crispies with chocolate milk will it taste the same as eating co-co crispies with regular milk?\r\nWhy is Bra singular and Panties plural?\r\nWhat are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called?\r\nWhen you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?\r\nIf they develop a supersonic train, will they give it a whistle? \r\nDo fish ever get thirsty?\r\nWhy can't we sneeze with our eyes open?\r\nIf there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?\r\nIf you stick on stickers on non-stick pans, would they stick on?\r\nWhy don't ducks duck when you shoot at them?\r\nOn a hamburger bun, why is the top bun always bigger than the bottom one?\r\nWhy does breaking a mirror mean seven years of bad luck when seven is a lucky number??\r\nCan angels eat devils food cake?\r\nIf I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?\r\nIf ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?\r\nWhy do the numbers on the phone go one way, but the numbers on the calculator go the other way?\r\nWhy do we tie shoes to the back of a car for newly weds?\r\nIs it possible to do stand-up comedy sitting down?\r\nIs bad a bad word?\r\nIf dinosaurs had sores.........what would they be called?\r\nWhat does the T in T-Shirt really mean?\r\nWhy does the label on children's Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles when it's for CHILDREN!?\r\nWhy do they call front seat shotgun?\r\nWhy are all farms red? \r\nDo bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?\r\nWhy is there not a Channel 1 on TV?\r\nWhy are there dents in a golf ball?\r\nWhy are the obituaries found in the \"living\" section of the newspaper?\r\nHow can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?\r\nWhen you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not?\r\nWhat would happen if u put a humidifier and a dehumdifier in the same room?\r\nAre one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?\r\nIf you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use dissapear because they didn't exist then?\r\nHow can sweet and sour sauce be sweet and sour at the same time?\r\nDo cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?\r\nIf a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?\r\nIf you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?\r\nWhy do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars\r\nDid Noah keep his bees in archives?\r\nIf a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?\r\nIf all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?\r\nIf rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?\r\nWhat happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?\r\nWhat if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?\r\nWhy is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?\r\nWhen sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?\r\nWhat do mermaids eat?\r\nIf your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?\r\nIf the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery?\r\nIf anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible?\r\nIs atheism is a non-prophet organization?\r\nIf a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?\r\nIf a policecar, an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck are all at a 4 way stop who has the right away? \r\nWhy are all farms red?\r\nwhy are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't?\r\nAre there female leprechauns?\r\nDo judges and lawyers do jury duty?\r\nDo fish sleep?\r\nWould it be possible for a solar car to travel faster then the speed of light?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9289,
"title": "Funny Thoughts 4"
},
{
"body": "Isn't it scary that the word \"therapist\" is the same as the words \"the\" and \"rapist\" put together?\r\nDo sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?\r\nOn a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?\r\nDo pigs pull ham strings?\r\nDo dumped farmers get John Deere letters?\r\nWhy do radio operators say \"niner\" instead of just \"nine\"?\r\nWhy do people say heads up when you should duck?\r\nWhy did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?\r\nDoes anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?\r\nWhy do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a \"time\" clock? Aren't all clocks \"time\" clocks?\r\nWhy does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?\r\nCan dogs have dog days?\r\nWhen a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?\r\nIf you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday? \r\nDo birds pee?\r\nDo siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?\r\nWhy do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?\r\nWhat do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?\r\nIf you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?\r\nHave you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?\r\nIf a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator?\r\nIf you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a\r\nnearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?\r\nIf you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?\r\nIf it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?\r\nWhy does \"closing up\" a shop and \"closing down\" a shop mean the same thing?\r\nWhy do they call them \"Animal Crackers\" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?\r\nHow many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?\r\nHow do you throw away a garbage can? \r\nWhy in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?\r\nWhy do old men have hair in their ears? \r\nWhy are things typed up but written down?\r\nWhy does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?\r\nIn some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?\r\nIf you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?\r\nIf the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?\r\nWhat does OK actually mean?\r\nwhat does the K in K-mart actually stand for?\r\nWhy do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?\r\nWhy can't you eat pancakes for dinner?\r\nWhy do donuts have holes?\r\nWhy don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?\r\nDo the different \"M&M's\"\u00c2\u00ae colors taste different?\r\nIf your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?\r\nIf you're caught \"between a rock and a hard place\", is the rock not hard?\r\nIf one man says, \"it was an uphill battle,\" and another says, \"it went downhill from there,\" how could they both be having troubles?\r\nWhy is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?\r\nWhy do we say \"bye bye\" but not \"hi hi\"?\r\nCan blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?\r\nHow do you handcuff a one-armed man?\r\nWhy do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?\r\nWhy doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up? \r\nIf Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?\r\nIf an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?\r\nIf you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?\r\nWhy is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?\r\nWhy does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?\r\nWhy do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?\r\nIf you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?\r\nWhy do they call it your \"bottom\", when it's really in the middle of your body?\r\nHow come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?\r\nWhy do British people never sound British when they sing?\r\nWhy do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?\r\nWhy do they call it \"head over heels in love\" If our head is always over our heels?\r\nCan a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?\r\nWhy is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?\r\nIf someone can't see, they're blind and if someone cant hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?\r\nHow do they get those boats in those glass bottles?\r\nWhy would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?\r\nWhy is it called a TV set when there is only one?\r\nIf it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? \r\nHow did the headless horseman know where he was going?\r\nWhy do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?\r\nWhy is it called football when you hardly use your feet?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9290,
"title": "Funny Thoughts 5"
},
{
"body": "A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, \"Guess who?\" \r\n\r\nThe controller switched the field lights off and replied, \"Guess where!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 9292,
"title": "No, YOU Guess!"
},
{
"body": "1. How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nJust one.\r\n\r\n2. How many Candains does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nOne to whack it out with his hockey stick, and one to screw in the new one.\r\n\r\n3. How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nOne to screw it in, 2 to support him, and 1 to disagree with his lightbulb approach.\r\n\r\n4. How many terrorists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\n1 to crash a plane into the lightbulb, and 1 to put in the new lightbulb.\r\n\r\n5. How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nOne to take out the old one, one to attempt to kick it in to the socket, and one to buy new bulbs after the kicking attemts fail.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 9293,
"title": "Series of Lightbulbs"
},
{
"body": "When I was younger my father always told me to be more lady like and civil. I decided to teach him a lesson. \r\n\r\nWhen we arrived at his mothers house there were donuts on the table. We sat around and talked(and munched)\r\n\r\nI soon got up to excuse myself saying \"I have to pee.\" Dad reminded me that there was a better way to put that.\r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry\" I said \"I have to powder my nose like a racehorse.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9294,
"title": "Ahh Sweet Youth"
},
{
"body": "If you haven't read this joke",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 9299,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck If... #999058431"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nMe DUHH!!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 9300,
"title": "DUHH!!"
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken cross the road? \r\n\r\nI don't know, ask the chicken!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 9302,
"title": "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?"
},
{
"body": "What did the blonde say to the red head?\r\n\r\nNothing. She couldn't remember what she was going to say!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9303,
"title": "A Blonde and Red Head"
},
{
"body": "Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.\r\n\r\n 1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody. \r\n \r\n2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.\r\n \r\n3. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.\r\n \r\n 4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose. \r\n \r\n5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.\r\n \r\n 6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.\r\n \r\n7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.\r\n \r\n 8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, \"man, it look fake.\" He say, \"Bullshit, that watch israel.\" \r\n \r\n9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.\r\n \r\n10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.\r\n \r\n11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.\r\n \r\n 12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, \"Do you plan on stain for dinner?\"\r\n\r\n 13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, \"how much?\" she say \"fortify.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9314,
"title": "20 Year-old 5th Grader"
},
{
"body": "Your so ugly, when you were born the doctors shoved you back in.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 9316,
"title": "Ugly"
},
{
"body": "What did one penny say to another penny?\r\n\r\nLet's get together and make cents",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9317,
"title": "Pennies"
},
{
"body": "How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\nOne, but it takes a certified electrician to make it work.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 9320,
"title": "Certification...."
},
{
"body": "You are so small that on your ID picture, your feet showed.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 9321,
"title": "Super Small"
},
{
"body": "You are a redneck if:\r\n\r\nYou think the following is funny\r\n\r\nYou haven't read the joke \"You are a Redneck If... #900\".",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 9322,
"title": "Not Another Redneck Joke"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat if they named a hurricane after her it would have to be a category 20.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9323,
"title": "Hurricane"
},
{
"body": "Yo mommas so stupid she asked how much she had to pay to get a free car-wash.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9324,
"title": "Yo Mommas So Stupid"
},
{
"body": "yo mommas so stupid, she brought a TV remote to the movie theater.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9326,
"title": "Yo Mommas So Stupid"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so dirty, she went in for a shower and lost weight!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9328,
"title": "Sooo Dirty"
},
{
"body": "New Office Slang \r\n==============================\r\n404 - Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, \"404 Not Found,\" which means the document requested couldn't be located. \"Don't bother asking John. He's 404.\"\r\n\r\nAdminisphere - The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.\r\n\r\nAlpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. \"I dunno, ask Rick. He's our alpha geek.\"\r\n\r\nAssmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. \r\n\r\nBatmobiling - putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in \"she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling\"\r\n\r\nBeepilepsy - The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.\r\n\r\nBetamaxed - When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in \"Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market\"\r\n\r\nBlamestorming - A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.\r\n\r\nBlowing Your Buffer - Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. \"Damn, I just blew my buffer!\" (Synonym: \"Head Crash\")\r\n\r\nBody Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. \r\n\r\nBookmark - To take note of a person for future reference. \"After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him.\"\r\n\r\nBrain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. \"I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?\" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.\r\n\r\nCGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.\r\n\r\nChainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands. \r\n\r\nChip Jewelry - Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration. \"I paid three grand for that Mac and now it's nothing but chip jewelry.\"\r\n\r\nChips and Salsa - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. \"First we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa.\"\r\n\r\nCLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. \"Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.\"\r\n\r\nCobweb - A WWW site that never changes.\r\n\r\nCrapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. \"I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!\"\r\n\r\nCROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING..... \r\n\r\nCube Farm - An office filled with cubicles. \r\n\r\nDead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms. \r\n\r\nDilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. \"Damn, I've been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.\"\r\n\r\nDorito Syndrome - The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. \"I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.\"\r\n\r\nEgosurfing - Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one's own name.\r\n\r\nElvis Year - The peak year of popularity as in \"1993 was Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year\"\r\n\r\nFlight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.\r\n\r\nGenerica - Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in \"we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was\"\r\n\r\nGlazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. \"Didn't he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?\"\r\n\r\nGoing Postal - Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages\r\n\r\nGOOD job - A \"Get-Out-Of-Debt\" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.\r\n\r\nGray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.\r\n\r\nGraybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). \"That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour.\"\r\n\r\nHigh Dome - Egghead, scientist, PhD\r\n\r\nIdea Hamsters - People whose idea generators are always running. \r\n\r\nIrritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.\r\n\r\nIt's a Feature - From the old adage, \"It's not a bug, it's a feature.\" Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over.\r\n\r\nKeyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people's computer keyboards.\r\n\r\nLink Rot - The process by which web page's links become obsolete as the sites they're connected to change or die.\r\n\r\nMeatspace - The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also \"carbon community\" \"facetime\" \"F2F\" \"RL\"\r\n\r\nMouse Potato - The online generation's answer to the couch potato.\r\n\r\nOhnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you've just made a terrible error.\r\n\r\nOpen-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute.\r\n\r\nPercussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.\r\n\r\nPerot - To quit unexpectedly. \"My cellular phone just perot'ed.\" \r\n\r\nPlug-and-Play - A new hire who doesn't require training. \"That new guy is totally plug-and-play.\"\r\n\r\nPrairie Dogging - When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what's going on.\r\n\r\nRibs 'N' Dick - A budget with no fat as in \"we've got ribs 'n' dick and we're supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades\"\r\n\r\nSalmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. \"God, today was a total salmon day!\"\r\n\r\nSeagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.\r\n\r\nSiliwood - The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also \"Hollywired\"\r\n\r\nSITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. \"Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage\"\r\n\r\nSquare-Headed Spouse - Computer\r\n\r\nSquirt the Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. \"Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?\"\r\n\r\nStarter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.\r\n\r\nStress Puppy - A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.\r\n\r\nSwiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic strip is worn away.\r\n\r\nTourists - Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. \"There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.\"\r\n\r\nTreeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. \r\n\r\nUmfriend - One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, \"this is Dale, my...um...friend.\"\r\n\r\nUnder Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. \"Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.\"\r\n\r\nUninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.\r\n\r\nVulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.\r\n\r\nWOOFYS - Well Off Older Folks.\r\n\r\nWorld Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW.\r\n\r\nXerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.\r\n\r\nYuppie Food Coupons - Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 9331,
"title": "Office Slang"
},
{
"body": "Three men are sitting next to a dead guy. The first one can only say, \"Yup! Yup! Yup!\" The second one can say, \"Forks and Knives. Forks and knives.\" Finally, the third one can say, \"Goddie, goodie gumdrops! Goodie, goodie gumdrops!\"\r\nA cop comes by and asks the first one if he killed the man. Unable to say anything else, he says, \"Yup! Yup! Yup!\" Then he asks the second man, \"What weapons did you use?\" The second man says, \"Forks and Knives. Forks and knives.\" Astonished, he is taken back for a second and then tells them all that they will go to jail. The third man tries to plead, \"Goddie, goodie gumdrops! Goodie, goodie gumdrops!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9334,
"title": "Three Men, One Dead Guy, One Cop... Endless Possibilities!"
},
{
"body": "I had been dating this really cool guy for like 2 weeks, and we finally went out. \r\n\r\nWe saw \"the RING\" and i was totally freaked, and I had ordered a HUGE pop, and drunk it all. \r\n\r\nAnyway, we were really snuggling tight,like our legs were wrapped around each other, and such. Of course, I had to pee bad, but I didnt want to interupt our snuggling, as it might result in, when I got back, not re-snuggling, so I didnt. \r\n\r\nAt one point, there was this sudden, out of nowhere, loud noise, and it freaked me out, and, as you've probably guessed, I peed. \r\n\r\nBut, it wouldnt stop. It was really bad. \r\nI was wearing a skirt and so, afer drenching my undies, it trickled down my legs, and since his legs were wrapped around mine,it trickled down his, too... \r\n\r\nWhen he felt it, he jumped up, saw my wet skirt, and yelled, \"Did u just pee all over me?\" which caused a HUGE disturbance as everyone turned to look at me. He goes, \"Well??!!\" so I hav to tell him yes and he yells for me to leave and to not come back. I did, actually, and I had to call for my best friend to pick me up, as I had come in my boyfriend's car.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9338,
"title": "Embarassing!"
},
{
"body": "This is a joke to do to a very gullible person. You start off by telling that person to say \"Just like me\", whenever you say something. You then start:\r\n\"I went to my house\"\r\nJust like me.\r\n\"And walked through the door\"\r\njust like me\r\n\"and up the stairs\"\r\njust like me\r\n\"and then I walked down the hall\"\r\njust like me\r\n\"and opened the door to my room\"\r\njust like me\r\n\" And then I heard a noise\"\r\njust like me\r\n\" and I looked out my window\"\r\njust like me\r\n\"And saw a monkey that looked\"\r\njust like me",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 9352,
"title": "Just Like Me"
},
{
"body": "A man is playing poker, and sees a sign that says: If You Have A Gambling Problem call 1-800-GAMBLING. So the man calls the hotline and says, \"The guy on my right has an ace and a two, I have a three and a jack, there is a four, a five, and a queen on the table, what should I do?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9353,
"title": "Gambling"
},
{
"body": "1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.\r\n \r\n2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. \r\n\r\n3. Read less. Makes you think. \r\n\r\n4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff. \r\n\r\n5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. \r\n\r\n6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more. \r\n\r\n7. Get in a whole NEW rut! \r\n\r\n8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace. \r\n\r\n9. Don't eat cloned meat. \r\n\r\n10. Create loose ends. \r\n\r\n11. Get more toys. \r\n\r\n12. Get further in debt. \r\n\r\n13. Don't believe politicians. \r\n\r\n14. Break at least one traffic law. \r\n\r\n15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet. \r\n\r\n16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks. \r\n\r\n17. Associate with even worse business clients. \r\n\r\n18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them. \r\n\r\n19. Wait around for opportunity. \r\n\r\n20. Focus on the faults of others. \r\n\r\n21. Mope about faults. \r\n\r\n22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9356,
"title": "New Years Resolutions"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma is so nasty that she can help stop air pollution by not breathing.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9358,
"title": "Stink"
},
{
"body": "If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, \"from concentrate!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9359,
"title": "How Can You Tell If a Man's a Redneck?"
},
{
"body": "A son and a father are walking together in a sunday morning, chatting. They enter a park and pass by a big, fat man, on a bench, drooling in his sleep (with his mouth open) and a bag of potato chips on his lap. As they pass by him the son snickers, while the father sighs. They continue walking talking about many things. Eventually, a hot woman in a red dress passes by, the son looks at her with eyes of passion. The father looks at her too.\r\n\"Son, don't be fooled by a woman's good looks\"\r\nthe son looks at his father, ready for a lesson.\r\n\"That's your mom 20 years ago\"\r\nthen he sighs.\r\n\"That's your mom now\", he says as he looks at the man on the bench.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9360,
"title": "Son and Father"
},
{
"body": "Thank you for using Wocka.com. This page states the terms and conditions under which you may use the web site. It is important that you read this page carefully because by opening our web site you agree to be bound, without limitation or qualification, by these terms. If you do not accept any of the terms stated here then do not use the web site. This web site may, in its sole discretion, modify or revise these terms at any time by updating this web page. You are bound by any such modification or revision and should therefore visit this page periodically to review the terms.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9361,
"title": "Terms & Conditions of Site Use"
},
{
"body": "Use of our web site is at all times \"at your own risk.\" If you are dissatisfied with any of the materials, other contents of the web site, any of these terms and conditions, the web site's privacy policy, or any other policies, your only remedy is to discontinue use of our web site. In no event shall the web site, or its suppliers, be liable to any user or third party, for any damages whatsoever resulting from the use or inability to use the web site or the material on that site, whether based on warranty, contract, tort, or any other legal theory, and whether or not the web site is advised of the possibility of such damages.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9362,
"title": "Disclaimer of Damages"
},
{
"body": "Much of the contents of Wocka.com are protected by copyright and other laws in both the United States and elsewhere. Copyrighted materials include content owned or controlled by the web site and includes the concept, programming, layout, images and design. Because the content from this site is provided by its users, we cannot guarantee that all the content of this site is not infringing on other copyrights. We have taken every step possible to protect the copyrights of others. If you believe that your work is being infringed on by this website, please contact us with a link to the work in question.\r\n\r\nThis website does not claim ownership to anything submitted to this website. Submitting something to this website does not place it into the public domain. The copyright owner retains full ownership of any work submitted to this site. By submitting something to this site you are granting Wocka.com the non-exclusive right to copy, publish, print and distribute your work in any medium without compensation to you. You are also granting Wocka.com the right to sub-license your work to other parties without compensation to you. You can prevent further use of your works at any time by contacting us and having your work removed from the site.\r\n\r\nThis web site authorizes you to view, download, and distribute a single copy of the material on this web site solely for your personal, non-commercial use. You may not sell or modify the material or reproduce, display, distribute, or otherwise use the material in any way for any public or commercial purpose without the written permission of the web site owner or original copyright holder. If you would like information about obtaining permission to use any of our material, please contact us. If you are to violate any of these terms, your permission to use the material automatically terminates and you must immediately destroy any copies you have made of the material.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9363,
"title": "Copyright Protection"
},
{
"body": "If you would like to link your web site to Wocka.com, please freely bookmark or add links to any page contained within this web site provided that this site does not appear inside any frames.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9364,
"title": "Linking Policy"
},
{
"body": "Wocka.com and material therein are provided without warranties of any kind, whether express or implied. The web site, to the fullest extent permitted by law, disclaim all warranties, including but not limited to warranties of title, fitness for a particular purpose, merchantability and non-infringement of proprietary or third party rights. The web site makes no warranties about the accuracy or reliability of the material, services, text, graphics, and/or links. The web site does not warrant that the web site will operate error-free or that this web site or its server are free of computer viruses or other harmful items. If your use of our web site or the material on this site results in the need for servicing or replacing equipment or data, the web site is not responsible for those costs.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9365,
"title": "Warranty Policy"
},
{
"body": "Our web site will contain, among other things, bulletin board services, discussion forums, ratings, and other communication tools common to such web sites. Much of the content on this site is provided by the users of this site. This site has no responsibility for such content and is providing access to all content as a service to our users. Our company has no obligation to monitor the content and information posted on the site.\r\n\r\nSome of the jokes on this site may not be suitable for younger viewers. This site contains a rating system by which you can filter out material that you dont want to see, however you may come across objectionable material by using this website.\r\n\r\nOur company does not endorse the truthfulness, accuracy, or reliability of any information posted on the site. We also do not endorse any opinions that may be expressed on the site. You agree that any reliance you have on information posted on the site will be at your own risk.\r\n\r\nYou acknowledge that any and all communications with our site are public, and therefore others may read your material at liberty and without your knowledge. By posting information, you give consent to make public all posted information and forfeit any right to confidentiality. We expect you to take precaution when posting any personal information on the site and disclaim all liability from damages that may incur on you resulting from your participation on the web site. By posting material on our web site you agree to grant the company free license to reproduce, modify, publish, edit, distribute, and display your material by itself or with other works in any form.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9366,
"title": "Site Content"
},
{
"body": "At its discretion, this site may remove any material posted on our web site that infringes on the rights of others. If you believe that your work has been used improperly or your copyrights have been violated we encourage you to contact us",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9367,
"title": "Copyright Violations"
},
{
"body": "Our web site contains links to third party web sites that are maintained by others. These links are provided solely as a convenience to you and not as an endorsement by the web site of the contents on these third-party web sites. The web site is not responsible for the content of linked third-party sites and does not make any representations regarding the content or accuracy of materials on such third-party web sites. If you decide to access linked third-party web sites, you do so at your own risk.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9368,
"title": "Links to Third-Party Sites"
},
{
"body": "Our website contains links to other websites that are created and maintained by us. When visiting one of these sites, our privacy policy and terms of use remain the same. No information of any kind is shared between these sites. These sites are:\r\n\r\nBraingle.com - User submitted and ranked jokes.\r\nPuzzleSolver.com - Solutions to many popular puzzles.\r\nDuckRocket.com - Easy, Fast Email\r\nGeoSnapper.com - Enables users to upload and distribute accurately geo-referenced digital photographs.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9369,
"title": "Links to Our Other Sites"
},
{
"body": "By using this site you agree to defend, indemnify, and hold harmless the web site, its officers, directors, employees and agents, from any claims, actions or demands, including without limitation reasonable legal and accounting fees, alleging or resulting from your use of the material or your breach of the terms of this agreement. The web site shall provide notice to you promptly of any such claim, suit, or proceeding and shall reasonably assist you, at your expense, in defending any such claim, suit or proceeding.\r\n\r\nIf any provision of this agreement is found to be invalid by any court having competent jurisdiction, the invalidity of such provision shall not affect the validity of the remaining provisions of this agreement, which shall remain in full force and effect. No waiver of any term of this agreement shall be deemed a further or continuing waiver of such term or any other term. This agreement constitutes the entire agreement between you and DuckRocket.com. Any changes to this agreement must be made in writing and signed by an authorized representative of the web site.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9370,
"title": "Indemnity"
},
{
"body": "This site logs the IP addresses and types of browser used by its guests. This information is used to monitor and make improvements to the site. This site does not secretly collect any personally identifiable information. User's may choose to become a registered user, in which case they may choose to reveal information about themselves such as their email address. This information will never be shared or sold. Users may remove themselves and their information from the web site's database by contacting us. This website and the advertisers on this website conform to the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9371,
"title": "Information Collection and Use"
},
{
"body": "A cookie is a piece of data stored on the user's hard drive. This site uses cookies to maintain state between pages on this site. The user may remove these cookies at any time by logging out of the web site.\r\n\r\nAdvertisers on this site may use cookies. However, we have no access to or control over these cookies. The ads on this website are provided by Burstmedia. You may read their Privacy Policy.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9372,
"title": "Cookies"
},
{
"body": "We use IP addresses and browser type to analyze trends and administer the site. We do not do reverse DNS lookups, so IP addresses are not linked to personally identifiable information.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9373,
"title": "Log Files"
},
{
"body": "We may share aggregated information with our partners and advertisers. This is not linked to any personally identifiable information.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9374,
"title": "Sharing"
},
{
"body": "This web site contains links to other sites. Please be aware that we are not responsible for the privacy practices of such other sites. We encourage our users to be aware when they leave our site and to read the privacy statements of each and every web site that collects personally identifiable information. This privacy statement applies solely to information collected by this Web site.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9375,
"title": "Links"
},
{
"body": "From time-to-time our site requests information from users via surveys. Participation in these surveys or contests is completely voluntary and the user therefore has a choice whether or not to disclose this information. Information requested may include contact information (such as name and shipping address), and demographic information (such as zip code, age level). Survey information will be used for purposes of monitoring or improving the use and satisfaction of this site.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9376,
"title": "Surveys & Contests"
},
{
"body": "This website takes every precaution to protect our users' information. When users submit sensitive information via the website, your information is protected both online and off-line. If you have any questions about the security at our website, you can contact us.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9377,
"title": "Security"
},
{
"body": "If we decide to change our privacy policy, we will post those changes on this page so our users are always aware of what information we collect, how we use it, and under what circumstances, if any, we disclose it. We will always use information in accordance with the privacy policy under which the information was collected.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9378,
"title": "Notification of Changes"
},
{
"body": "We rated with RSAC i, TM Safe Surf Rated.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9379,
"title": "Privacy Policy"
},
{
"body": "Please submit any comments you have using this form:\r\n \r\nYour Email Address: \r\nMessage: \r\n \r\nSend Feedback",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9380,
"title": "Contact Us"
},
{
"body": "Why does jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it \"gels\" the scent virtually disappears?\r\nCan a unborn baby fart or burp?\r\nIf a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies before he can run around the bases, does the home run count?\r\nIf a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness worse than a general illness?\r\nWhy don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better than root beer floats?\r\nWhy is there never a full English dinner or tea but there is always a full English breakfast?\r\nWhat is the point in saying \"may I ask\" and then follow it up with a question?\r\nIs it possible to be allergic to water?\r\nWhen an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court do they have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't believe in God?\r\nWhy do cats like to dig their paws into something before they lay down on it?\r\nIf a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it?\r\nWhy is there a little countdown (like 8, 7, 6, 5, 4) near the bottom of the copyright info page in the beginning of many books?\r\nWhy does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.\r\nHow come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?\r\nIsn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of explosives, a lighter, and say have fun?\r\nAre tomatoes fruits or vegetables?\r\nHow come lotion is colored, but when you put it on, it doesn't turn your skin that color?\r\nDoesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?\r\nAre there pink lemons that make pink lemonade?\r\nWhy do we say \"heads up\" when we actually duck?\r\nWhat's a question with no answer called?\r\nHow do \"do not walk on grass\" signs get there?\r\nWhen a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?\r\nIf there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?\r\nWhat was Captain Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?\r\nDo the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing?\r\nDo bald people get dandruff?\r\nWhy doesn't baking soda freeze?\r\nWhat if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you wishes?\r\nIf you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste chocolaty?\r\nIf you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?\r\nCan a person with no ears wear glasses?\r\nDo the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?\r\nAre people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?\r\nIf someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep peeing, or stop?\r\nHow come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes?\r\nCan you still say, \"Put it where the sun don't shine,\" on a nude beach?\r\nDo Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?\r\nWhy is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?\r\nIf you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?\r\nCan you put a gay man in a straight jacket?\r\nDo they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?\r\nWhy do bullies always ask, \"What's your problem?\" when they're obviously not going to solve it?\r\nDo stairs go up or down?\r\nWhen people say, \"I'm so tired it's not even funny,\" or \"my head hurts so much it's not even funny\", why would it even be funny in the first place?\r\nWhy is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?\r\nDo coffins have lifetime guarantees?\r\nWhy do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?\r\nIf Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change their name to Knockers?\r\nIf the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?\r\nAre children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?\r\nCan you make a candle out of your earwax?\r\nWhen French people swear do they say pardon my English?\r\nAren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?\r\nIf the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?\r\nCan a fire truck park in the fire lane?\r\nCan it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?\r\n\"Cute as a button.\" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?\r\nCan you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?\r\nAre marbles made of marble?\r\nWhy does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?\r\nIf you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)\r\nWhy did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?\r\nWho was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out\"?\r\nWho was the first person to say, \"See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt\"?\r\nIsn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?\r\nIf electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?\r\nDo illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?\r\nCan you get cornered in a round room?\r\nWhy don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?\r\nIf an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?\r\nWhy is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but it's ok to use a handicapped toilet?\r\nIn that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?\r\nHow come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?\r\nWhy is it that if something says, \"do not eat\" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?\r\nWhy are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?\r\nWouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?\r\nWhy are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?\r\nHave you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?\r\nIsn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?\r\nWhy is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?\r\nWhy is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?\r\nCan mute people burp?\r\nWhat happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?\r\nWhy is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?\r\nHow come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?\r\nIf a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?\r\nIf heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?\r\nWhy is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?\r\nWhy isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?\r\nDo they have girl's bathrooms in gay bars?\r\nWhy is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?\r\nWhy is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?\r\nWhy do you go \"back and forth\" to town if you really must go forth before you go back?\r\nWhy does shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?\r\nWhy is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?\r\nWhy can't you get a tan on your palms?\r\nIf you're sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?\r\nWhy do dogs sniff other dog's bottoms to say hello, why don't they just bark in their face or something?\r\nWhy do companies offer you \"free gifts?\" Since when has a gift NOT been free?\r\nIf something \"goes without saying,\" why do people still say it?\r\nYou know the expression, \"Don't quit your day job?\" Well, what do you say to people that work nights?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9391,
"title": "Funny Thoughts"
},
{
"body": "My friend told me these songs about Barney. I hope you like them.\r\n\r\n(In rhythm to I Love You)\r\nI hate you\r\nYou hate me\r\nWe're a violent family\r\nWith a great big gun \r\nand a bang from me to you\r\nWon't you say you hate me too.\r\n\r\n(In rhythm to Joy To The World)\r\nJoy to the world\r\nBarney's dead\r\nI barbequed his head\r\nWhat happened to his body\r\nI flushed it down the potty\r\nAnd around and around it goes\r\nAnd around and around it\r\nAnd around and around around around it goes",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9392,
"title": "Barney"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamas so dumb she put a quarter in a parking meter and said \"Hey! Wheres my gumball?\".",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9393,
"title": "Machine"
},
{
"body": "Commandment 1. \r\n\r\nMarriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. \r\n\r\nCommandment 2. \r\n\r\nIf you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. \r\n\r\nCommandment 3. \r\n\r\nMarriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand! \r\n\r\nCommandment 4. \r\n\r\nMarried life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. \r\n\r\nCommandment 5. \r\n\r\nWhen a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. \r\n\r\nCommandment 6. \r\n\r\nMarriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. \r\n\r\nCommandment 7. \r\n\r\nBefore marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking. \r\n\r\nCommandment 8. \r\n\r\nEvery man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. \r\n\r\nCommandment 9. \r\n\r\nEvery woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband. \r\n\r\nCommandment 10. \r\n\r\nMan is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9394,
"title": "10 Commandments of Marriage"
},
{
"body": "Q.What did one sheep call the other sheep who stole his food?\r\n\r\nA. a ba-a-astard",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 9402,
"title": "Ba-a-a"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if your baby stroller consists of a potato sack and a wheelbarrow.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 9403,
"title": "Baby Stroller"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so scary, she killed Freddy Krouger in his own dreams.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9405,
"title": "Scary"
},
{
"body": "An ant and an elephant got married. After they had sex, the elephant had a heart attack and died. \"Crap,\" the ant said. \"Five minutes of passion and now the rest of my life digging a grave.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 9406,
"title": "Death of an Elephant"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so stupid, when I told her to turn on the tv, she started stripping.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9411,
"title": "Stripin"
},
{
"body": "What disease frightens ghosts the most? \r\nBoOoOo-bonic Plague \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between girl ghosts and boy ghosts?\r\nBoOoOo-bies",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9413,
"title": "Ghost Funnys"
},
{
"body": "Why didn't the blonde make the gymnastics team? \r\n\r\nWhen they asked for a cartwheel, she stole a tire from the hot dog vendor.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9415,
"title": "Cartwheel"
},
{
"body": "What was the blonde college student doing at the harbor? \r\n\r\nLooking for an internship.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9416,
"title": "Internship"
},
{
"body": "There once was an American Indian whose given name was \"OneStone\". He was so named because he had only one testicle. \r\nHe hated that name and asked everyone not to call him OneStone. After years and years of torment, OneStone finally cracked and said, \"If anyone calls me OneStone again, I will kill them!\" \r\nWord quickly spread and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named BlueBird forgot and said, \"Good morning, OneStone.\" \r\nHe jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. Then he made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. Word got around that OneStone meant what he promised he would do. \r\nYears went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named YellowBird returned to the village after being away for many years. YellowBird, who was BlueBird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw OneStone. She hugged him and said, \"Good to see you, OneStone.\" \r\nOneStone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, and made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, and made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird just wouldn't die! \r\n\r\nThe Moral of this story:\r\n\"You can't kill two Birds with OneStone.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 9417,
"title": "Onestone"
},
{
"body": "We have all wished for something, but think about this: Hold out your hands, wish in one, and crap in the other. Which hand do you think will get filled up first?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9419,
"title": "Make A Wish"
},
{
"body": "Q> Why did Pepsi hire Michael Jackson to do commercials again?\r\n\r\nA> Because they wanted someone to suck that little boy back out of the bottle.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 9420,
"title": "PEPSI COMMERCIAL"
},
{
"body": "Q: How does a redneck take a bubble bath?\r\n\r\nA: He farts in a puddle",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 9421,
"title": "How Does a Redneck Take a Bubble Bath?"
},
{
"body": "1. Only raise your hand when you want to sharpen your pencil or go to the bathroom. Repeat every ten minutes.\r\n\r\n2. Never raise your hand when you want to answer a question; instead, yell, \"Ooooh! Oooh! Oooh!\" and then, when the teacher calls on you, say, \"I forgot what I was going to say.\"\r\n\r\n3. Lean your chair back, take off your shoes, and put your feet up on your desk. Act surprised when the teacher puts all four legs of your chair back on the floor.\r\n\r\n4. Drop the eraser end of your pencil on your desk. See how high it will bounce.\r\n\r\n5. Drop your books on the floor. See how loud a noise you can make.\r\n\r\n6. Hum. Get all your friends to join in.\r\n\r\n7. Hold your nose, make a face, and say, \"P.U.!\" Fan the air away from your face and point to the kid in the front of you.\r\n\r\n8. On the last day of school, lead your classmates in chanting:\r\n\"No more pencils!\r\nNo more books!\r\nNo more teachers'\r\ndirty looks!\"\r\n\r\n9. Then on your way out the door, tell the teacher, \"Bet you're looking forward to summer vacation this year. But I'll sure miss you. You're the best teacher I've ever had!\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 9422,
"title": "How to Torture Your Teacher"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why do women fake orgasms?\r\n\r\nA. Because they think men care!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9423,
"title": "FAKE ORGASMS"
},
{
"body": "As we all prepare to start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. Here is my list of recent years' resolutions and the revised ones for 2006. \r\n\r\nResolution #1 \r\n2003: I will try to be a better husband to Lisa.\r\n2004: I will not leave Lisa. \r\n2005: I will try for reconciliation with Lisa. \r\n2006: I will try to be a better husband to Rachel. \r\n\r\nResolution #2 \r\n2003: I will stop looking at other women. \r\n2004: I will not get involved with Rachel. \r\n2005: I will not let Rachel pressure me into another marriage. \r\n2006: I will stop looking at other women. \r\n\r\nResolution #3 \r\n2003: I will not let my boss push me around. \r\n2004: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide. \r\n2005: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me. \r\n2006: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss. \r\n\r\nResolution #4 \r\n2003: I will read at least 20 good books a year.\r\n2004: I will read at least 10 books a year. \r\n2005: I will read 5 books a year. \r\n2006: I will finish Space. \r\n\r\nResolution #5 \r\n2003: I will not get upset when Bill and Roger make jokes about my baldness. \r\n2004: I will not get annoyed when Bill and Roger kid me about my toupee. \r\n2005: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle. \r\n2006: I will not speak to Bill and Roger. \r\n\r\nResolution #6 \r\n2003: I will get my weight down below 180. \r\n2004: I will watch my calories until I get below 190. \r\n2005: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200. \r\n2006: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight. \r\n\r\nResolution #7 \r\n2003: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. \r\n2004: I will not touch the bottle before noon.\r\n2005: I will not become a \"problem drinker\". \r\n2006: I will not miss any AA meetings. \r\n\r\nResolution #8 \r\n2003: I will not spend my money frivolously. \r\n2004: I will pay off my bank loan promptly. \r\n2005: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. \r\n2006: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2008. \r\n\r\nResolution #9 \r\n2003: I will see my dentist this year. \r\n2004: I will have my cavities filled this year.\r\n2005: I will have my root canal work done this year. \r\n2006: I will get rid of my denture breath this year. \r\n\r\nResolution #10 \r\n2003: I will go to church every Sunday. \r\n2004: I will go to church as often as possible. \r\n2005: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation. \r\n2006: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9425,
"title": "New Year's Resolutions"
},
{
"body": "% cat \"food in cans\"\r\ncat: can't open food in cans\r\n\r\n% nice man woman\r\nNo manual entry for woman.\r\n\r\n% rm God\r\nrm: God nonexistent\r\n\r\n% ar t God\r\nar: God does not exist]\r\n\r\n% ar r God\r\nar: creating God\r\n\r\n% \"How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?\r\nUnmatched \".\r\n\r\n% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?\r\nMissing ].\r\n\r\n% ^How did the sex change operation go? ^\r\nModifier failed.\r\n\r\n% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?\r\nToo many ('s.\r\n\r\n% make love\r\nMake: Don't know how to make love. Stop. >\r\n\r\n% sleep with me\r\nbad character\r\n\r\n% got a light?\r\nNo match.\r\n\r\n% man: why did you get a divorce? man::\r\nToo many arguments.\r\n\r\n% !:say, what is saccharine?\r\nBad substitute.\r\n\r\n% %blow\r\n%blow: No such job.\r\n\r\nThe following are not csh but sh :\r\n\r\n$ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense\r\nno sense in pretending!\r\n\r\n$ drink <bottle; opener\r\nbottle: cannot open\r\nopener: not found",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 9426,
"title": "Funny UNIX Csh/sh Commands:"
},
{
"body": "A blonde and a brunette are walking along the sidewalk, and the brunette says she is dying of thirst and wants Dr. Pepper. The blonde runs across town into the nearest hospital and asks the receptionist for Dr. Pepper. The receptionist says OK, and hands her a bottle of soda. The blonde says, \"What do you think this is? A Joke? My friend is dying and needs to see Dr. Pepper right away!!!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9427,
"title": "Dr. Pepper"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why are scissors such good dancers?\r\n\r\nA: Because of their sharp moves.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9428,
"title": "Why Are Scissors Such Good Dancers?"
},
{
"body": "Knock, knock\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nDid you ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?\r\n\r\nDid you ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?\r\n\r\nNevermind, it's pointless.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 9431,
"title": "Write This One Down"
},
{
"body": "At a recent PETA meeting, some members were discussing people they had seen wearing fur coats. Joan, a redhead, said, \"Yesterday I saw a man wearing a fur coat and I wanted to yell at him about the cruelness of that coat!\" Jack, a brown haired man, said, \"I saw a woman wearing a fur coat three days ago and I almost launched into a lecture about animal treatment! If only people wouldn't do such things.\" Jan, a blond, said, \"You wouldn't believe what I saw on my way here! A girl, dressed in fur from head to foot! It was unbelievable! I would've talked to her about cruelty to animals, but I was in the car. You wouldn't guess what she looked like.\"\r\n \"What?\" Joan and Jack said in unison. \r\n Jan said, \"A golden retriever!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9432,
"title": "PETA"
},
{
"body": "Have you seen the lottery tickets from India?\r\n\r\nIf the spot on your ticket matches the spot on your forehead, you win a 7-11 store.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9433,
"title": "Indian Lottery"
},
{
"body": "A customer (a middle-aged woman) arrived to have a massage from among the fifteen or so blind masseurs. She came with a side-kick who brought along her things from the office. Approaching the line of masseurs waiting for customers,\r\nLady - in a voice quite loud as to be overheard \"They are good masseurs these blind people, huh?\" \r\nSidekick - \"Yes, ma'am\"\r\nLady - \"But I heard that the blind who are nearly deaf are the best because they can concentrate more on what they are doing.\"\r\nJust then a masseur interjected - \"Excuse me, ma'am your voice sounds familiar - Do I know you?\"\r\nLady - \"No, I don't think so,\" then excitedly louder, \"It is my first time to come here!\"\r\nMasseur - \"You are correct, ma'am. My name is Homer! How nice of you to remember!\"\r\nThe lady signalled a thumbs up to her side-kick. Then said \"I'll have my massage here!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 9444,
"title": "The Best Blind Masseur"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at the Wal-Mart, but he always dreamed of being rich.\r\n\r\n\"Felix!\" he exclaimed one day, \"We're going to be rich! I'm going to teach you how to fly!\"\r\n\r\nFelix, of course, was terrified at the prospect: \"I can't fly, you idiot......\r\nI'm a frog, not a canary!\"\r\n\r\nClarence, disappointed at the initial reaction, told Felix: \"That negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. I'm sending you to class.\"\r\n\r\nSo Felix went to a three day class and learned about problem solving, time management, and effective communication.... but nothing about flying.\r\n\r\nOn the first day of \"flying lessons\", Clarence could barely control his excitement (and Felix could barely control his bladder). Clarence explained that their apartment had 15 floors, and each day Felix would jump out of a window starting with the first floor eventually getting to the top floor.\r\n\r\nAfter each jump, Felix would analyze how well he flew, isolate on the most effective flying techniques, and implement the improved process for the next flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Felix would surely be able to fly.\r\n\r\nFelix pleaded for his life, but it fell on deaf ears. \"He just doesn't understand how important this is...\" thought Clarence, \"but I won't let nay-sayers get in my way.\"\r\n\r\nSo, with that, Clarence opened the window and threw Felix out (who landed with a thud).\r\n\r\nNext day (poised for his second flying lesson) Felix again begged not to be thrown out of the window. With that, Clarence opened his pocket guide to Managing More Effectively and showed Felix the part about how one must always expect resistance when implementing new programs.\r\n\r\nAnd with that, he threw Felix out the window.(THUD)\r\n\r\nOn the third day (at the third floor) Felix tried a different ploy: stalling, he asked for a delay in the \"project\" until better weather would make flying conditions more favorable.\r\n\r\nBut Clarence was ready for him: he produced a timeline and pointed to the third milestone and asked, \"You don't want to slip the schedule do you?\"\r\n\r\nFrom his training, Felix knew that not jumping today would mean that he would have to jump TWICE tomorrow.... so he just said: \"OK. Let's go.\" And out the window he went.\r\n\r\nNow this is not to say that Felix wasn't trying his best. On the fifth day he flapped his feet madly in a vain attempt to fly. On the sixth day he tied a small red cape around his neck and tried to think \"Superman\" thoughts.\r\n\r\nBut try as he might, he couldn't fly.\r\n\r\nBy the seventh day, Felix (accepting his fate) no longer begged for mercy.... he simply looked at Clarence and said: \"You know you're killing me, don't you?\"\r\n\r\nClarence pointed out that Felix's performance so far had been less than exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestone goals he had set for him.\r\n\r\nWith that, Felix said quietly: \"Shut up and open the window,\" and he leaped out, taking careful aim on the large jagged rock by the corner of the building.\r\n\r\nAnd Felix went to that great lily pad in the sky.\r\n\r\nClarence was extremely upset, as his project had failed to meet a single goal that he set out to accomplish. Felix had not only failed to fly, he didn't even learn how to steer his flight as he fell like a sack of cement.... nor did he improve his productivity when Clarence had told him to \"Fall smarter, not harder.\"\r\n\r\nThe only thing left for Clarence to do was to analyze the process and try to determine where it had gone wrong.\r\n\r\nAfter much thought, Clarence smiled and said:\r\n\r\n\"Next time...... I'm getting a smarter frog!\"\r\n\r\n\r\n---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\np.s. Don't you think Clarence should have noticed the frog could TALK???",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9445,
"title": "Froggy Death"
},
{
"body": "1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other. \r\n2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test. \r\n3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master \r\n4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage \r\n5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students \"without passing through the minds of either\". \r\n6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. \r\n7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. \r\n8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power. \r\n9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage. \r\n10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on. \r\n11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before. \r\n12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read. \r\n13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight. \r\n14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. \r\n15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. \r\n16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. \r\n17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. \r\n18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes. \r\n19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. \r\n20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. \r\n21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. \r\n22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river. \r\n23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway \"See, I am not injured yet.\" \r\n24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY. \r\n25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. \r\n26. Father : A banker provided by nature. \r\n27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught. \r\n28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. \r\n29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. \r\n30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. \r\n31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9446,
"title": "The Real Definitions"
},
{
"body": "Parent: You two should sing in the talent show together.\r\n\r\n Tim: When pigs fly! \r\n\r\n cindy: You fly?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 9448,
"title": "PigS fly"
},
{
"body": "Q> What kind of soup do gay Chinese men like?\r\n\r\nA> Cream of sum yun guy",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9459,
"title": "Soup"
},
{
"body": "The only thing truly free of charge is a dead battery.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9460,
"title": "FREE OF CHARGE"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's credit is so bad,,,\r\n\r\nThe bank wants the their calendar back",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9461,
"title": "Bad Credit"
},
{
"body": "A cowboy has lived to an extremely old age, and one day his grandson asked him to what he attributes his long life.\r\n\"Well, you know that every morning, I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast,\" says the old timer. His grandson nods. \"Before I eat it, I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it, every day,\" The ancient cowpoke adds. The grandson decides to follow his grandfather's breakfast regimen, and each morning of his life, he has oatmeal with gunpowder sprinkled on it. \r\nSure enough, the grandson lives to the ripe old age of 97, and when he died, he left seven children, twenty one grandchildren, eighteen great-grandchildren, and a fifteen foot hole in the side of the crematorium.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9473,
"title": "Old Age, Cowboy Style"
},
{
"body": "A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,\r\n\"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle? If that ever happens, just pull the plug.\"\r\nHis wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9475,
"title": "Plug Pulling"
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.\r\nHis wife glares at him and says, \"Who was that?!\"\r\n\"Oh,\" replies the husband, \"she's my mistress.\"\r\n\"Well that's the last straw,\" exclaims the wife.\r\n\"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable.\"\r\n\"I can understand that,\" replies her husband, \"but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours.\"\r\nJust then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.\r\n\"Who's that with Jim?\" asks the wife.\r\n\"That's his mistress,\" says her husband.\r\nShe replies, \"Ours is prettier.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9476,
"title": "Mistresses"
},
{
"body": "A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.\r\n\"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag...\"\r\n\"Damn!\" says the little old lady.....\"I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!\"\r\n\"Well, now, not so fast,\" says the cop. \"How did you get all that money?\"\r\n\"Did you steal it?\"\r\n\"Oh, no\", says the little old lady. \"You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!\"\r\n\"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!\"\r\n\"Hey, not a bad idea!\" laughs the cop. \"OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?\"\r\n\"Well\", says the little old lady, \"not all of them pay up\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 9477,
"title": "On Second Thought..."
},
{
"body": "What can a picnic table do that a musician can't do?\r\n\r\nSupport a family of six!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9478,
"title": "Career Choice"
},
{
"body": "The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. \r\n\r\nWhen she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. \r\n\r\nOne page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. \r\n\r\n\"Now do you understand?\" he asked. \r\n\r\n\"I think so,\" she said, \"is that when mommy came to work for us?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9479,
"title": "Marriage"
},
{
"body": "A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army. \r\n\r\n\"But wait a minute,\" said the listener, \"She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too, won't she?\" \r\n\r\n\"Sure,\" replied the man. \r\n\r\n\"Well? Won't they find out?\" \r\n\r\n\"And who's gonna tell?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 9490,
"title": "In The Army"
},
{
"body": "The Lazy Bowl Reclining toilet: It's plush while you flush!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9495,
"title": "New Line Of..."
},
{
"body": "If Jack helped you off your horse, later would you return the favor and help Jack off his horse?",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 9497,
"title": "Jack Off"
},
{
"body": "You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:\r\n\r\n1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.\r\n2. An old friend who once saved your life.\r\n3. The perfect man (or woman) you have been dreaming about.\r\n\r\nWhich one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.\r\n\r\nThink before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.\r\n\r\nYou could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.\r\n\r\nThe candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.\r\n\r\nHe simply answered: \"I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.\"\r\n\r\nNever forget to \"Think Outside of the Box.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 9499,
"title": "Job Interview Question"
},
{
"body": "One day someone knocks on a blonde's door.\r\n\r\nShe asks: \"Who is it?\" and the person answers: \"It's me!\" \r\n\r\nThen the blonde wonders, \"Me?!?!?!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9508,
"title": "Me?"
},
{
"body": "Boy: May I hold your hand?\r\nGirl: It isn't very heavy. I think I can carry it myself.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9510,
"title": "Friends"
},
{
"body": "DOS Beer\r\nRequires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------- \r\nMac Beer\r\nAt first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a \"light\" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that \"you don't need to know.\" A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------- \r\nWindows 3.1 Beer\r\nOnce considered the world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------- \r\nOS/2 Beer\r\nComes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold. \r\n-----------------------------------------------------------\r\nWindows 95 Beer\r\nThe can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------- \r\nWindows NT Beer\r\nComes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an \"industrial strength\" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------- \r\nWindows 98 Beer\r\nMillions sampled Windows95 beer and noticed that it was often flat, right out of the can. The manufacturer of Windows95 beer decided to re-release it as Windows98 beer and guarantee it's freshness. Most consumers are skeptical of the manufacturer's claims, and will continue to drink flat Windows95 beer because they have acquired the taste for it.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------- \r\nWindows 2000 Beer\r\nThe manufacturer of the Windows line of beers says this will be \"the\" beer, if they can just finish playing with the ingredients. This beer will have many ingredients of Windows 95/98 and NT beers. Many drinkers in the future will be forced to drink this when they get thirsty since they won't be able to find Windows 95 or 98 or NT beer on the shelves. According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever with almost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warning and take out half the refrigerator with them.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------- \r\nUnix Beer\r\nComes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------- \r\nLinux Beer\r\nLINUX beer tastes just like Unix beer. Like Unix beer, Linux beer is intended for expert beer drinkers only. It originally had no pop tops or cans because you had to brew it yourself. First you would get a recipe and some yeast from a Unix guru. Then go plow a field, plant your barley and hops. After harvest you would take your Kernels and put them into a barrel full of water, then you just add your yeast close the lid, and let your beer compile. After all this you have what experts claim to be one of the Worlds Best Beers. Linux beers do not normally explode but many brewers have been known to. Linux beer is now available from some Micro Brewerys in handy pop top versions for easy drinking by beginner Unix or Linux beer drinkers. Keep your can openers handy.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------- \r\nAmigaDOS Beer\r\nThe company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------- \r\nVMS Beer\r\nRequires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.\r\n-----------------------------------------------------------\r\nWindows xp beer\r\nA beer that can be enjoyed at home or at the office. Like tequila however, many cans are prone to have a fat, juicy worm inside. This brew is also highly susceptible to theft. If this occurs, there is no limit to how much damage can be inflicted. If that weren't enough, u can forget about refrigerating this drink, since that won't stop the hordes of viruses it will accumulate.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9513,
"title": "Beer Computers"
},
{
"body": "You want me to write a joke!?!? The world is being attacked by aliens! AWWWWW! A warning; they have huge, hairy jaws and beady little eyes and long mangy hair and a huge nose and foul breath and and... oops. That's just you.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 9514,
"title": "Alien Attack!"
},
{
"body": "Three senators were sitting at the bar and having drinks with each other. The democrat started a conversation of were they liked their wives to be positioned during sex, the democrat said that he likes his wife on top, so he can see all of her. The republican said, \"No no no I like my wife on the bottom, she needs to know who the one with the control and dominance is.\" The independent blurted out, \"I prefer my wife out of town.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 9527,
"title": "Three Politicians"
},
{
"body": "How to install a wireless security system: \r\n\r\nGo to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it, a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like, \"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls. They've just been wormed and they are a little edgy.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 9531,
"title": "Wireless Security System"
},
{
"body": "An 80 year old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local country club. He went to the club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't anybody he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said \"I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps.\" And he did play well. Coming to the par four - 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money! \r\nThe Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said \"Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?\" \"I do,\" replied the old man.\r\n\"Please give me a hand.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 9533,
"title": "Sand Traps"
},
{
"body": "After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, \"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.\"\r\nHe bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father.\r\nSo he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.\r\nOne day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, \"So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 9534,
"title": "Mirror Mirror on the Wall"
},
{
"body": "A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... \"WOW,\" the social worker exclaims, \"Are they ALL YOURS???\" \"Yep they are all mine,\" the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, \"Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" says the social worker, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.\"\r\n\r\n\"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy.\" \"OK, and who's this one?\" Well, this one he is Leroy, also.\" The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!\r\n\r\n\"All right...\" says the caseworker, \"I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?\" Their Momma replied, \"Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just yell 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come a runnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.\"\r\n\r\nThe social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, \"But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?\" \"Ah, that's so easy,\" said the momma. \"Then I call them by their last names.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9536,
"title": "Leroy"
},
{
"body": "The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, \"My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher said, \"That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'.\"\r\n\r\nSally raised her hand. She said, \"My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher said, \"Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'.\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.\r\n\r\nJohnny said, \"My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9537,
"title": "Fascinate"
},
{
"body": "If you take an Oriental person and spin him around \r\nseveral times, does he become disoriented? \r\n\r\nIf people from Poland are called Poles, why \r\naren't people from Holland called Holes? \r\n\r\nIf love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? \r\n\r\nWhen cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? \r\n\r\nWhy isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? \r\n\r\nDo Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? \r\n\r\nI thought about how mothers feed their babies \r\nwith tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered \r\nwhat do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? \r\n\r\nIf it's true that we are here to help others, \r\nthen what exactly are the others here for?\r\n\r\nEver wonder what the speed of lightning would \r\nbe if it didn't zigzag? \r\n\r\nLast night I played a blank tape at full blast. \r\nThe mime next door went nuts. \r\n\r\nWhatever happened to Preparations A through G? \r\n\r\nDo people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little \r\nbottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards \r\nis Naive? \r\n\r\nIf 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does \r\nthat mean the fifth one enjoys it?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9542,
"title": "Funny Questions"
},
{
"body": "1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies \r\n\r\n2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say \r\n\r\n3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers \r\n\r\n4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case \r\n\r\n5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms \r\n\r\n6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope\r\n\r\n7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over\r\n\r\n8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands\r\n\r\n9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids\r\n\r\n10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead\r\n\r\n11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told\r\n\r\n12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death \r\n\r\n13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant\r\n\r\n14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree\r\n\r\n15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter\r\n\r\n16. War Dims Hope for Peace\r\n\r\n17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While\r\n\r\n18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide\r\n\r\n19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge\r\n\r\n20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group\r\n\r\n21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space \r\n\r\n22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks \r\n\r\n23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half \r\n\r\n24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9543,
"title": "Funny Newspaper Headlines"
},
{
"body": "What was the elephant doing on the highway?\r\n\r\nAbout 5 mph",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 9546,
"title": "Elephant on a Highway"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nHe was caught buttering up his teacher",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 9549,
"title": "Cannibal"
},
{
"body": "An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.\r\n\r\nThe class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: \"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.\"\r\n\r\nFingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.\r\n\r\nWeeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.\r\n\r\nHis answer consisted of two words: \"What chair?\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 9560,
"title": "Eccentric Professor"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat, when she put on a red sweater and went outside all the kids said \"Kool-aid man!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9569,
"title": "Kool-aid Man"
},
{
"body": "A girl walks into a bar and sits down with her friend.\r\nShe is feeling down, so she talks to her friend. Her friend says \"Go get a beer.\" She says she didn't want one. Then the friend says \"Hey, who said it was for you?\"\r\n\r\ncopyright fox corp.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 9573,
"title": "Gimma a Beer"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like your dad.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9574,
"title": "Yo Mama"
},
{
"body": "Ryan's teeth were so yellow that when he walked outside, the sun said give me my butter.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 9577,
"title": "Teeth"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma was so fat that when she went to do her daily running, her body was moving but she wasn't.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9581,
"title": "Fat"
},
{
"body": "I was watching Beauty and the Geek the other day, and felt like submitting this joke (as it's somewhat similar to something that happened in the show).\r\n\r\nA blonde is in school, and her teacher is having a random discussion about IQs.\r\n\r\nTeacher: \"So what would you say your IQ is?\" she asks a student\r\n\r\nKid #1: \"I don't know.. I think it's just the regular 100.\"\r\n\r\nTeacher: \"He, he, alright, you?\" she asks another student.\r\n\r\nKid #2: \"Umm... well... I took a test and it's 118.\"\r\n\r\nTeacher: \"Ah, you're pretty smart, then.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher then realizes that someone is not paying attention.\r\n\r\nTeacher: \"What IQ do you think you have, young lady?\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde jolts up a little due to the surprise.\r\n\r\nBlonde: \"My IQ?\"\r\n\r\nTeacher: \"Yes.\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde then grins arrogantly, \"Heh, my IQ is, I would say, probably like an A right now... what is that? Like a 4.0?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9583,
"title": "A Blonde's IQ"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so old, I slapped her back and her tits fell off.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9586,
"title": "So Old"
},
{
"body": "Your momma's so fat, she uses a matress as a tampon.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9587,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "Do they put underwear on corpses?\r\nWhy do people say \"The alarm just went off\" when really it just came on? \r\nIf a vampire were Jewish would his Sabbath start at sunrise?\r\nWhy do child labor laws not prohibit children from acting in movies?\r\nIf your eyes are crossed, do your tears fall straight?\r\nIf a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?\r\nIs the vice president's wife called the second lady?\r\nDo you wake up or open your eyes first? \r\nCan you \"zone out\" and be \"in the zone\" at the same time? \r\nIf French kissing is a big thing in America, how do French people react to normal American kissing? \r\nWhy is it called a soap opera when nobody sings?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9593,
"title": "CrAzY THoUgHtS!!"
},
{
"body": "Have I ever told you about my uncle Jeffy? Well, as a kid my uncle Jeffy lost all of his hair, and everyone thought he was sick, so he went to a doctor. The doctor told him \"Jeffy, you are not sick.\" He was right because, later in life, Jeffy was in school and walked through a wall! It turned out Jeffy had magical powers! He then got a pet dragon and learned how to fly.\r\n\r\n\r\nWe go visit Uncle Jeffy at the Mental Institution every 1st of the month.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9598,
"title": "Uncle Jeffy"
},
{
"body": "A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands. \r\n\"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away,\" the boy said. He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands. \r\n\"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.\" He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands. \r\n\"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.\" He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands. \r\n\"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.\" Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, \"Open your hands!\" \r\n\"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9601,
"title": "A Leprechaun"
},
{
"body": "It's 3 a.m. and a couple is sleeping, when suddenly someone knocks on its door. The husband wakes up and goes to see who is disturbing them in the middle of the night.\r\n\r\nHe then sees a young man and when he asks him what he wants, he says furiously, \"Please, it's an emergency! I really, really, really need a push!!! Please can you come to help me?\"\r\n\r\nThe husband, still angry from his brutal awakening, answers in a very rude way and slams the door on the poor man's face. On his way to his bed he thinks, \"Why did I react in such a way? I am a good person and this man could be in a lot of trouble without his car. Maybe I should have helped him...\". However, he goes back to sleep.\r\n\r\nAt 4 a.m. another knock is heard on the couple's door, this time even louder. Both the husband and the wife wake up and the husband says, \"Honey, why don't you go see who it is and if it's a man asking for a push, help him because I didn't and I feel bad.\"\r\n\r\nThe wife agrees and goes to open the door. Now, the young man knees and says: \"Please madam, you can't imagine how important it is to me! I need a push, I really, really, really do! It's a matter of life and death, can you pleaaaaaaaaaaase help me?\"\r\n\r\nThe wife says, \"OK, just let me put on a coat!\". She goes inside to get the coat, but when she returns nobody's there. She shouts: \"I can't see you mister! Where are you?\"\r\n\r\n\"OVER HERE, AT THE SWING!!!!!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 9608,
"title": "I Need a Push!"
},
{
"body": "A class is on a field trip to the zoo. They are in the farm animal's section, and all of the sudden the entire class looks to their right and see 2 pigs going at it like it was the last day on Earth.\r\n\r\nBoy: o.o umm... teacher, what are those pigs doing?\r\n\r\nTeacher: O.O I don't think those are pigs...",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 9609,
"title": "Pigs"
},
{
"body": "Sometimes, I get so sleepy that I fall asleep at my keyboa-----hogasvfbhjhfaokL;'GRUHIKMUIHGDFJSJIKkljhvLD ;YWEHKJF,HCsssljga lrsaio.ra;ugsrol,.k,ijhekng0ljr",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9612,
"title": "Sleepy"
},
{
"body": "There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, \"Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!\" \r\n\r\nThe next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, \"She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9616,
"title": "Cheap Mistress"
},
{
"body": "By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks. \r\n\r\n1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. \r\n\r\n2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. \r\n\r\n3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. \"Big\" diskettes may be folded and used in \"little\" disk drives. \r\n\r\n4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. \r\n\r\n5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes. \r\n\r\n6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a \"hung\" or \"hooked\" state. If your system is \"hooking\" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot. \r\n\r\n7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data. \r\n\r\n8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. \r\n\r\n9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above) \r\n\r\n10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope. \r\n\r\n11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 9617,
"title": "Disk Care"
},
{
"body": "After his recent stay in the hospital, Pa was particularly irritable, especially regarding food. At a nearby restaurant he stopped for a quick meal and the waiter provided a bowl of soup. \r\n\r\nAs the waiter turned away to return to the kitchen Pa stopped him, calling: \"Waiter!\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, sir, is there something wrong?\" \r\n\r\n\"The soup. Taste it,\" replied Pa. \r\n\r\n\"I beg your pardon, sir?\" \r\n\r\n\"Taste it.\" \r\n\r\n\"But, sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent.\" \r\n\r\n\"Taste it,\" Pa persisted. \r\n\r\n\"Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients.\" \r\n\r\n\"Taste it!\" \r\n\r\nThe exasperated waiter finally relented. \"All right, sir, I'll taste it.\" Then after a pause he said, \"Where is the spoon?\" \r\n\r\nTo which Pa replied triumphantly, \"Ah ha ... \"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 9618,
"title": "Tasty Soup"
},
{
"body": "The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a \"Contract\" for returning the books on time. \r\n\r\nHer first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new Librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the Librarian, giving her his name as he did so. \r\n\r\nThe Librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. \r\n\r\nBefore the Librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, \"That other Librarian we had could write.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9619,
"title": "New Librarian"
},
{
"body": "Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard. One of the men walked into the office and said, \"We need some four-by-twos.\" \r\n\r\nThe clerk asked, \"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?\" The man said, \"I'll go check,\" and went back to the truck. \r\n\r\nHe returned shortly and said, \"Yeah, I meant two-by-four.\" \"All right. How long do you need them?\" \r\n\r\nThe customer paused for a moment and said, \"I'd better go check.\" \r\n\r\nAfter a while, he returned to the office and said, - \"A long time. We're gonna build a house...\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 9620,
"title": "Four-by-Twos"
},
{
"body": "A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, \"How will I recognize him?\" \"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment.\"\r\n\r\nSo, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. \"A female horth.\" So he shows him a prized filly. \"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth\"?\r\n\r\nSo the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. \"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?\"\r\nSo he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.\r\n\r\n\"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?\" The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.\r\n\r\n\"Nith mouf, can I thee her twat\"?\r\n\r\nTotally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.\r\n\r\n\"Perhapth I should rephrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit\"?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 9623,
"title": "Horse Rancher"
},
{
"body": "An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. \"There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.\" Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. \"Now you must do the same,\" he told the class.\r\n \r\nAfter a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.\r\n \r\n\"Second,\" the professor continued, \"you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 9624,
"title": "Autopsy"
},
{
"body": "HORSE RACE Line up:\r\n\r\nIn lane 1. Passionate Lady\r\nIn lane 2. Bare Belly\r\nIn lane 3. Silk Panties\r\nIn lane 4. Conscience\r\nIn lane 5. Jockey Shorts\r\nIn lane 6. Clean Sheets\r\nIn lane 7. Thighs\r\nIn lane 8. Big Dick\r\nIn lane 9. Heavy Bosom\r\nIn lane 10. Merry Cherry\r\n\r\nAND THEY'RE OFF!!!\r\nConscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is knocking on the door.\r\n\r\nAT THE HALFWAY MARK:\r\nIt's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is moving in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.\r\n\r\nAT THE STRETCH:\r\nMerry Cherry pops under the strain. Bare Belly is making a final push. Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.\r\n\r\nAT THE FINISH:\r\nIt's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...\r\nBare Belly shows...\r\nThighs weakens...\r\nHeavy Bosom pulls up..\r\nAnd Clean Sheets never had a chance.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 9625,
"title": "HORSE RACE"
},
{
"body": "Yes, being over 50 does have its advantages...\r\n\r\n1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. \r\n\r\n2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. \r\n\r\n3. No one expects you to run into a burning building. \r\n\r\n4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, \"Did I wake you?\" \r\n\r\n5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. \r\n\r\n6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. \r\n\r\n7. Things you buy now won't wear out. \r\n\r\n8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m. \r\n\r\n9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses). \r\n\r\n10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. \r\n\r\n11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. \r\n\r\n12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. \r\n\r\n13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. \r\n\r\n14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. \r\n\r\n15. You sing along with the elevator music. \r\n\r\n16. Your eyes won't get much worse. \r\n\r\n17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. \r\n\r\n18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. \r\n\r\n19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. \r\n\r\n20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. \r\n\r\n21. You can't remember who sent you this.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9626,
"title": "Being Over 50"
},
{
"body": "15 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex\r\n\r\n1. You can GET chocolate. \r\n2. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. \r\n3. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. \r\n4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. \r\n5. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. \r\n6. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. \r\n7. The word \"commitment\" doesn't scare off chocolate. \r\n8. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates. \r\n9. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. \r\n10. With chocolate there's no need to fake it. \r\n11. You can have chocolate at any time of the month. \r\n12. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. \r\n13. You are never too young or too old for chocolate. \r\n14. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake \r\n15. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9628,
"title": "Chocolate Is Better"
},
{
"body": "When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9629,
"title": "Dumb Criminal"
},
{
"body": "The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9630,
"title": "Insurance Claim"
},
{
"body": "I was traveling back to my hometown and, responding to Mother Nature, decided to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. \r\n\r\nI went into the washroom. The first stall was taken, so I went into the second stall. I had just sat down when I heard a voice from the other stall. \r\n\r\n\"Hi there, how is it going?\" \r\n\r\nI am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers while sitting on the john in restrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to do, but finally I said, \"Not bad.\" \r\n\r\nThen the voice said, \"So, what are you doing?\" \r\n\r\nAt this point, I was starting to find the situation a bit weird, but I said, \"Well, I'm headed back east.\" \r\n\r\nThen I heard the person, all flustered, say, \"Look, I'll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, the idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9631,
"title": "Nature's Call"
},
{
"body": "The manager of a large office noticed one of his department heads had hired a new man, so the boss called him into his office for a little orientation speech. \"What is your name?\" he asked. \r\n\r\n\"John,\" the new guy replied. \r\n\r\nThe manager scowled, \"Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?\" \r\n\r\nThe new guy sighed and said, \"Darling. John Darling.\" \r\n\r\n\"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 9633,
"title": "Darling"
},
{
"body": "When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, \"How will we keep from getting separated?\" \r\n\r\n\"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other,\" I reassured him. \r\n\r\n\"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?\" he persisted. \r\n\r\n\"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again,\" I quipped. \r\n\r\n\"Okay,\" he said. \"I'm riding with Mom.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9634,
"title": "Cross Country"
},
{
"body": "The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.\r\n\r\n\"Was it my friend Sam?\" he demanded.\r\n\r\n\"No!\" his weeping wife replied.\r\n\r\n\"Was it my friend Jim then?\" he asked.\r\n\r\n\"NO!\" she said even more upset.\r\n\r\n\"Well, which one of my no-good friends did this then?\" he asked.\r\n\r\n\"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?\" she snapped.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9637,
"title": "Which Friend?"
},
{
"body": "A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. \r\n\r\n\"That's impossible,\" said the tourist. \"No one could throw a coin that far!\" \r\n\r\n\"You have to remember,\" answered the guide. \"A dollar went a lot farther in those days.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9639,
"title": "Dollar"
},
{
"body": "John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. \r\n\r\n\"I'll be ready in a few minutes,\" she said. \"Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?\" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through.\" \r\n\r\nThe dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out. \r\n\r\n\"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?\" \r\n\r\n\"To tell the truth, \" he replied, \"Spot seemed a little depressed to me!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9641,
"title": "Spot"
},
{
"body": "A man's life is difficult to understand,\r\nwhen born he struggles to get out of the\r\nvagina and then tries the rest of his life\r\nto get in!!!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9643,
"title": "A Man's Life"
},
{
"body": "One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. \r\n\r\n\"I'll grant you your fondest wish,\" the genie said. \r\n\r\nThe man thought for a moment, then said, \"I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try.\" \r\n\r\n\"Poof!\" said the genie. \r\n\r\n\"You're a housewife.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9644,
"title": "Genie"
},
{
"body": "When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: \r\n\r\n\"Some parents,\" she said, \"tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'\" \r\n\r\nOne of the women spoke up immediately. \"Does she cook?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9646,
"title": "Birth Class"
},
{
"body": "A man is lost in the desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling \"Mush! Mush!\" \r\n\r\nNot trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- \"Mush! Mush!\" \r\n\r\nPropping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo in a fur coat driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, \"He-elp!\" \r\n\r\nThe Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, \"I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!\" \r\n\r\nThe perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, \"You think YOU'RE lost!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9647,
"title": "Lost in a Desert"
},
{
"body": "There's this couple and they've just been married. The man says to the wife, \"I'm goin' hunting\". \r\n\r\nShe says, \"Oh, no, your not, we are married now.\" \r\n\r\nThe husband says to himself, \"I've got to figure out a way to go hunting.\" So he goes out and buys his wife all this hunting equipment and gives it to his wife, so they can go hunting together. \r\n\r\nThey finally go one weekend and the hunter puts his wife in the deer-stand and says, \"Only shoot when you see a deer.\" \r\n\r\nShe replies, \"OK\". So the hunter goes off to his stand and is hoping that the wife doesn't accidentally shoot herself. Suddenly, he hears a gun shot and quickly runs to find his wife. \r\n\r\nHe looks up in the deer stand and does not see her, so he looks around and sees his wife poised and waiting to shoot this poor man who is scared out of his mind. The hunter says, \"Honey, what are you doing?\" \r\n\r\nThe man says, \"Look mister, if she says it is her deer then it is, just let me take my saddle off of it first.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9649,
"title": "Hunting"
},
{
"body": "\"I'd like the number for Christine Smith in Richmond, Virginia,\" the young man said to the 411 operator. \r\n\r\n\"There are multiple listings for Christine Smith in Richmond, Virginia,\" the operator said. \"Do you have a street name?\" \r\n\r\nThe young man hesitated a moment, \r\n\r\n\"Well, uh, most people call me Snake.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9650,
"title": "Street Name"
},
{
"body": "It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. \r\n\r\nBeing someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. \r\n\r\nGoing to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. \r\n\r\nWith a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, \r\n\r\n\"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.\" \r\n\r\n\"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.\" \r\n\r\n.....\r\n\r\n\"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss.\" \r\n\r\n\"That's not why it's there.\" \r\n\r\n.....\r\n\r\n\"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?\" \r\n\r\n\"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9651,
"title": "Airport"
},
{
"body": "A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend. \r\n\r\nThe friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5 to win. \r\n\r\nSure enough, the horse comes in fifth.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9652,
"title": "Horse Race"
},
{
"body": "At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.\r\n\r\n\r\nAfter the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected \"knock\" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more \"action\". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.\r\n\r\nShe is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more \"action\". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, \"I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.\"\r\n\r\n\r\nWally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: .\"You mean I was here already?\" The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9654,
"title": "Seniors"
},
{
"body": "I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of gas. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on. \r\n\r\nQuitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots. \r\n\r\nThere can't be any life on Mars. They haven't asked the United States for any money. \r\n\r\nWhen thieves get caught stealing money, they go to jail. When politicians get caught, it's an honest mistake. \r\n\r\nWhy do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own. \r\n\r\nMy greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is really my wife's personality. \r\n\r\nFederal Express had a terrific obstacle to overcome: They had to convince people that anything with the word \"Federal\" in it could be speedy. \r\n\r\nDr. Ruth says women should tell our lovers how to make love to us. My boyfriend goes nuts if I tell him how to drive. \r\n\r\nAfter divorce, most men realize that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with an astounding financial loss. \r\n\r\nFor two people in a marriage to live together, day after day, is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9655,
"title": "Quickies"
},
{
"body": "An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. \r\n\r\nOne day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. \r\n\r\n\"Yes, Nurse Tracy,\" said Mr. Goldstein, \"My private part died today, and I am very sad.\" \r\n\r\nKnowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, \"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences\". \r\n\r\nThe following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. \r\n\r\n\"Mr. Goldstein,\" she said, \"you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas\". \r\n\r\n\"But, Nurse Tracy,\" replied Mr. Goldstein, \"I told you yesterday that my private part died\". \r\n\r\n\"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?\" asked Nurse Tracy. \r\n\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" he replied. \"Today's the viewing\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9656,
"title": "Private Part Died"
},
{
"body": "A really drunk guy is walking home from the bar and sees a pumpkin patch on the side of the road. He thinks how nice and squishy they must be on the inside, and decides to have a little fun with a pumpkin. He finds a big one, cuts a hole in it, and starts going at it. It must have been getting pretty good because he didn't even notice that a cop car had pulled up, and that an officer was walking right towards him. The cop says \"Hey buddy.... Do you know you're screwing a pumpkin?\" to which the guy responds, \"A pumpkin?!? It's midnight already???\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9657,
"title": "Pumpkin"
},
{
"body": "PHYSICS: John Moonstone and the late Thomas Parnell of the University of Ohio, for patiently conducting an experiment that began in the year 1925 -- in which a glob of congealed black tar has been slowly, dripping through a funnel, at a rate of approximately one drop every nine years. \r\n\r\nLITERATURE: The Internet entrepreneurs of Nigeria, for creating and then using e-mail to distribute a bold series of monetary tall tales, thus introducing millions of readers to a cast of super rich characters -- General Sani Abacha, Mrs. Sherry Quay Lu, Barrister Jon A. Mbeki Esq., and others -- each of whom requires just a small amount of expense money so as to obtain access to the great wealth to which they are entitled and which they would like to share with any unbalanced person who assists them. \r\n\r\nPEACE: Jerry Gersh and Peter Simmons of Newcastle University, in the U.K., for electrically monitoring the activity of the brain cells in a locust while that locust was watching selected highlights from film clips of George Bush's speeches explaining \"How War Will Bring World Peace.\" \r\n\r\nECONOMICS: Gauri Kadoch of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, for inventing an alarm clock that runs away and hides, repeatedly, thus ensuring that people DO get out of bed, and thus theoretically adding many productive hours to the workday.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9658,
"title": "The 2005 10th Place Nobel Prize Winners"
},
{
"body": "#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that - get the hell out. Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out; if you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it, even if you don't have a car, you can get out.) \r\n\r\n#2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the governments fault you're starving. \r\n\r\n#2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some. (Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's are not edible. Leave them alone.) \r\n\r\n#2b. If the local store is too looted of food or water, leave your neighbor's tv and stereo alone. (See # 2a) They worked hard to get their stuff. Just because they were smart enough to leave during a mandatory evacuation, doesn't give you the right to take their stuff; it's theirs, not yours. \r\n\r\n#3. If someone comes in to help you, don't shoot at them and then complain no one is helping you. I'm not getting shot to help save some dumbass who didn't leave when told to do so. \r\n\r\n#4. If you are in your house that is completely under water, your belongings are probably too far gone for anyone to want them. If someone does want them, let them have them and hopefully they'll die in the filth. Just leave! (For Christ's sakes, it's New Orleans, find a voodoo warrior and put a curse on them) \r\n\r\n#5. My tax money should not pay to rebuild a 2 million dollar house, a sports stadium or a floating casino. Also, my tax money shouldn't go to rebuild a city that is under sea level. You wouldn't build your house on quicksand, would you? You want to live below sea-level, do your country some good and join the Navy. \r\n\r\n#6. Regardless what the Poverty Pimps, Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton, want you to believe, The US Government didn't create the hurricane as a way to eradicate the black people of New Orleans; (Neither did Russia as a way to destroy America). The US Government didn't cause global warming that caused the hurricane (We've been coming out of an ice age for over a million years). \r\n\r\n#7. The government isn't responsible for giving you anything. This is the land of the free and the home of the brave, but you gotta work for what you want. McDonalds and Walmart are always hiring, get a damn job and stop spooning off the people who are actually working for a living.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9659,
"title": "Carlin's Hurricane Rules"
},
{
"body": "You understand the rationalization of an acronym comprised of acronyms. \r\n\r\nYou can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do. \r\n\r\nYou know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance: \r\n(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor. \r\n(2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention. \r\n\r\nYou work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym. \r\n\r\nYou've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards. \r\n\r\nThe process becomes more important than the product. \r\n\r\nYou don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about. \r\n\r\nYou feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there. \r\n\r\nYou realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually, you believe it is possible, just not in your office. \r\n\r\nYou keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled. \r\n\r\nYou stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them. \r\n\r\nYou fly across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money. \r\n\r\nYou've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different agencies.\r\n\r\nYour name plate is attached with Velcro. \r\n\r\nYour resume is on a diskette in your pocket. \r\n\r\nThe office symbol on your badge is applied with tape. \r\n\r\nWhen someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. \r\n\r\nYou get really excited about a 2% pay raise. \r\n\r\nYour biggest loss from a system crash is that you loose your best jokes. \r\n\r\nYour supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job. \r\n\r\nYou sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet. \r\n\r\nYou think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive. \r\n\r\nIt's dark when you drive to and from work. \r\n\r\nFun is when issues are assigned to someone else. \r\n\r\nCommunication is something your group is having problems with. \r\n\r\nYou see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. \r\n\r\nFree food left over from meetings is your main staple. \r\n\r\nWeekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home. \r\n\r\nBeing sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. \r\n\r\nArt involves a white board. \r\n\r\nYou're already late on the assignment you just got. \r\n\r\nYou work 200 hours for the $100 performance check and jubilantly say, \"Oh wow, thanks!\" \r\n\r\nDilbert cartoons hang outside every cube. \r\n\r\nYour boss' favorite lines are \"when you get a few minutes,\" \"in your spare time,\" \"when you're freed up,\" and \"I have an opportunity for you.\" \r\n\r\nVacation is something you roll over to next year. \r\n\r\nYour relatives and family describe your job as \"works with computers.\" \r\n\r\nChange is the norm. \r\n\r\nNepotism is encouraged. \r\n\r\nThe only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures hang in your cube. \r\n\r\nYou only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. \r\n\r\nYou can name more people that used to work with you than people who do.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 9660,
"title": "YOU WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT IF..."
},
{
"body": "1. There is no \"I\" in \"teamwork.\" But there is in \"management kiss-up.\" \r\n\r\n2. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. \r\n\r\n3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. \r\n\r\n4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security. \r\n\r\n5. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. \r\n\r\n6. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings. They did it by killing all those who oppose them. \r\n\r\n7. Your job is STILL better than asking, \"You want fries with that?\" \r\n\r\n8. If at first you don't succeed, try management. \r\n\r\n9. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. \r\n\r\n10. The beatings will continue until morale improves. \r\n\r\n11. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free. \r\n\r\n12. Plagiarism saves time.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 9661,
"title": "13 Inspirational Phrases You Will Never Hear At Work..."
},
{
"body": "1. Watch yourself eating in front of a mirror. If you're put off, that's the view your future partner will have... \r\n\r\n2. Live on your own. It's important that you find out what a hopeless slob you are before your beloved tells you. And then leaves you... \r\n\r\n3. Go out with your friends for a \"quick drink\" and stagger home three days later... \r\n\r\n4. Have a holiday romance with someone who doesn't speak a word of English. Who needs conversation? \r\n\r\n5. Women: Take the soft toys off your bed. Nothing turns a man off more than performing in front of an audience of beady-eyed teddies... \r\n\r\n6. Men: Get rid of those \"How to Get Girls Even Though You're Poor and Ugly' books. They never work anyway... \r\n\r\n7. Gobble the last slice of pizza without having to go through the 'No you have it, no really... Are you sure you don't mind...? \r\n\r\n8. Walk about the house naked, without having to hold any bits in... \r\n\r\n9. Have friends of the opposite sex. After marriage, it's too much effort to keep saying: \"No, I really don't fancy them\"... \r\n\r\n10. Men: Enjoy that wardrobe space while you can! You will not believe the vast number of shoes that one woman needs... \r\n\r\n11. Women: Fill in silly magazine quizzes with titles like 'Are You Seductive', without having to listen to loud laughter from your partner (who then runs off with the magazine)... \r\n\r\n12. Men: Get rid of anything inflatable and female-shaped... \r\n\r\n13. Relish clipping your toenails straight onto the carpet... \r\n\r\n14. Remember that your best option with in-laws is to marry an orphan...",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9662,
"title": "14 Things You Really Should Have Done Before Getting Married"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the smart blonde?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nNeither did I!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9663,
"title": "The Smart Blonde"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat she used the Grand Canyon as her sidewalk.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9664,
"title": "Fat Momma"
},
{
"body": "One day the goverment desided to see how we get along with other countries so they took an american, a frechman and a chinese guy and put them on an island for a year.\r\n They tell the american that he is in charge of building. They tell the frenchman that he is in charge of cooking. Then, finally they tell the chinese guy that he is in charge of supplies.\r\n One year later the goverment comes back and the american said: \"Let me show you what I have built\" and so he does. Then the frenchman said: \"Let me show you what I have cooked.\" Then one of the goverment people asked what happened to the chinese guy and they said that the day that they were given their assigments he dissapeared. So they all start looking for him... Finally, the chinese guy jumps out of the woods and says: \"Supplies!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9665,
"title": "American, Frechman,& Cinese Guy"
},
{
"body": "Our local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago. \r\n\r\nThe first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half. \r\n\r\nI asked him about this. He then told me \"well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9667,
"title": "Wife's Dentures"
},
{
"body": "One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.\r\n\r\nFinally, after he had bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!\r\n\r\nAs he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, \"I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!\"\r\n\r\n\"Don't worry,\" said the auctioneer, \"he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9668,
"title": "Parrot Auction"
},
{
"body": "A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. \"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'\" she asked. \r\n\r\n\"Well, no,\" answered the puzzled homeowner. \"But I have a wife and eleven children.\" \r\n\r\n\"Is that a record?\" the caller inquired, puzzled in her turn. \r\n\r\n\"I don't think so,\" replied the man, \"but it's as close as I want to get.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 9669,
"title": "Record Store"
},
{
"body": "Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. \r\n\r\nFinishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. \r\n\r\nAs they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. \r\n\r\nGasping for breath, she replied, \"When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9670,
"title": "Gas Company"
},
{
"body": "1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. \r\n\r\n2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. \r\n\r\n3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. \r\n\r\n4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. \r\n\r\n5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. \r\n\r\n6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. \r\n\r\n7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. \r\n\r\n8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. \r\n\r\n9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. \r\n\r\n10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. \r\n\r\n11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa. \r\n\r\n12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. \r\n\r\n13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. \r\n\r\n14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made. \r\n\r\n15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. \r\n\r\n16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. \r\n\r\n17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. \r\n\r\n18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. \r\n\r\n19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. \r\n\r\n20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment. \r\n\r\n21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. \r\n\r\n22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. \r\n\r\n23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. \r\n\r\n24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago. \r\n\r\n25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9671,
"title": "Pilot Wisdom"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are. \r\n\r\nThe first one said: \"Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!\" \r\n\r\nThe second one said: \"Ha! You think that's fast? My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!\" \r\n\r\nLittle Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: \"Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9672,
"title": "How Fast?"
},
{
"body": "The priest was instructing a class of third- graders at All Saints grammar school. \r\n\r\n\"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell. \r\n\r\n\"But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer. \r\n\r\n\"Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?\" \r\n\r\nHerman raised his hand and said, \"Easy. One of them got caught.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9673,
"title": "The Priest and the Lawyer"
},
{
"body": "Dear Bob in Tech Support,\r\n\r\nI'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever, as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've\r\ntried have always conflicted with it.\r\n\r\nI hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off, but I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works\r\nokay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Leisure 3.1 and QuietTime programs, often trying to abort them with some sort of timing incompatibility.\r\n\r\nI probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.\r\n\r\nShortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while to re-check my hardware.\r\n\r\nI very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while, until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I\r\ntried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a \"feature\" I didn't know about that automatically detects the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in the background in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.\r\n\r\nThe version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts, which is very expensive. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally \"object-oriented\", as that interface is sometimes cumbersome and even counter-intuitive.\r\n\r\nA year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.1, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. To his dismay, however, he discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.1 expires within a year of the upgrade, if you don't upgrade AGAIN to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade YET AGAIN to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a HUGE resource hog.\r\n\r\nIt has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. In fact, it has even automatically deleted several of his other programs to make room for itself, not the least of which was DrinkingBuddies 1.0, which used to be one of his favorite applications, as well. This is particularly disturbing to me, as we used to run DrinkingBuddies 1.0 on a network with several of our mutual friends, and now he can't even connect any more!\r\n\r\nHe told me that one of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus, which sounded great. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes inexplicably\r\nprohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly when he starts the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. Also, for no apparent reason, the OralSex 1.0 module that worked fine in his previous versions of GirlFriendPlus and Fiancee, stopped working the instant the upgrade to Wife 1.0 finished\r\ninstalling.\r\n\r\nOn top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything with the FreeSexPlus module. This warming up process requires him to run an antiquated version of ForePlay Beta, which has an\r\nagonizingly slow interface, and which has an unfortunate tendency to crash, requiring a cold reboot to his system. The real insult to injury however, is that even though he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came embedded with MotherInLaw 2.0, which has an irritating automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.\r\n\r\nI told him to try installing Mistress 1.0 (which I had heard works great in such situations), but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete all of your MSMoney files before doing an uninstall of itself; then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.\r\n\r\nPlease help me Bob, I don't know what to do. Since the initial release, I have had nothing but problems.\r\n\r\nI've heard that I would really like the CoolGirlFriend 1.0 Deluxe Upgrade (which is supposed to come bundled with a completely functioning version of FreeSexDeluxe), but that release is no where to be found - not even the Beta version! That release is also supposed to come with its own resource management module seamlessly layered in, so it won't conflict with any of my other programs (barring previous versions of GirlFriend, which I would happily delete!).\r\n\r\nPlease advise.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 9674,
"title": "Girlfriend 1.0"
},
{
"body": "One day, about a month ago, the president was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nTo the blonde he said, \"I am the President of the United States... How much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied, \"Two hundred dollars.\"\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nTo the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, \"One hundred dollars.\"\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nHe then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, \"Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes... get my panties as low as my wages... get that thing of yours as hard as the times... keep it as high as the gas prices... keep me warmer than my apartment... and... screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 9675,
"title": "The President and the Call Girl"
},
{
"body": "Dear Husband:\r\nI'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.\r\n\r\nP.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! \r\n\r\n\r\n Your EX-Wife\r\n\r\nDear Ex-Wife\r\nNothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was, \"You look just like a man!\" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that\r\nmorning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out, so when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.\r\n\r\nP.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.\r\n\r\n Signed Rich As Hell and Free!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9678,
"title": "Letter of Divorce"
},
{
"body": "1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.\r\n\r\n2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.\r\n\r\n3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.\r\n\r\n4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.\r\n\r\n5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.\r\n\r\n6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.\r\n\r\n7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.\r\n\r\n8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?\r\n\r\n9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.\r\n\r\n10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.\r\n\r\n11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen\r\n\r\n12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.\r\n\r\n13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.\r\n\r\n14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.\r\n\r\n15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.\r\n\r\n16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.\r\n\r\n17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.\r\n\r\n18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.\r\n\r\n19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.\r\n\r\n20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 9679,
"title": "Letters From Tennants"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma ain't got no hands.\r\nAnd yo dad ain't got no eyes.\r\n\r\nYo momma said i'm goona slap the shit out of you.\r\nAnd yo daddy said i'd like to see that.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9689,
"title": "Mom and DAD"
},
{
"body": "Short naps prevent aging, especially if taken while driving.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9693,
"title": "Naps"
},
{
"body": "I came out of a convenience store the other day and some seedy looking guy walks up to me and holds up a little sign: \"DEAF & DUMB... Can you spare $10?\" \r\n\r\nWow! What happened to a dollar or 2? So I reached into my pocket for my wallet, opened it, took out a folded piece of paper and handed it to him. \r\n\r\nIt said: \"I CAN'T READ\" and I walked away.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9694,
"title": "Charitable"
},
{
"body": "Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down. \r\n\r\nI leave the number of the room next to me. It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell, \r\n\r\n\"Why are you calling me?\" \r\n\r\nThen I get up and take a shower. It's great.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9695,
"title": "Travelling"
},
{
"body": "What are three two letter words for small?\r\n\r\nIs It In?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9707,
"title": "Three Two Letter Words"
},
{
"body": "An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, \"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.\" \r\n\r\n\"Pop, what are you talking about?\" the son screams. \r\n\r\n\"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,\" the old man says. \"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,\" and he hangs up. \r\n\r\nFrantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. \"They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it,\" she shouts, \"I'll take care of this.\" \r\n\r\nShe calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, \"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?\" and hangs up. \r\n\r\nThe old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, \"Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving...now what do we tell them for Christmas?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9708,
"title": "Divorce"
},
{
"body": "Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails. \r\n\r\n\"Great idea, honey,\" he smiled. \"You can eat them straight out of the box.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9709,
"title": "Press on Nails"
},
{
"body": "A taxpayer received a strongly worded \"second notice\" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. \r\n\r\n\"Oh,\" confided the collector with a smile, \"we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9710,
"title": "Taxes"
},
{
"body": "When you marry, your spouse's family become \"in-laws.\" So, when you divorce, does that make them \"outlaws?\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9711,
"title": "Inlaws"
},
{
"body": "You know you live in California when... \r\n\r\n1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. \r\n\r\n2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone. \r\n\r\n3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. \r\n\r\n4. You know how to eat an artichoke. \r\n\r\n5. You drive to your neighborhood block party. \r\n\r\n6. Someone asks you how far away something is; you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. \r\n\r\n\r\nYou know you live in New York when... \r\n\r\n1. You say \"the city\" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. \r\n\r\n2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty. \r\n\r\n3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. \r\n\r\n4. You think Central Park is \"nature.\" \r\n\r\n5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual. \r\n\r\n6. You've worn out a car horn. \r\n\r\n7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. \r\n\r\n\r\nYou know you live in Alaska when... \r\n\r\n1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and tabasco. \r\n\r\n2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. \r\n\r\n3. You have more than one recipe for moose. \r\n\r\n4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. \r\n\r\n5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction. \r\n\r\n\r\nYou know you live in the Deep South when... \r\n\r\n1. You get a movie and bait in the same store. \r\n\r\n2. \"Ya'll\" is singular and \"all ya'll\" is plural. \r\n\r\n3. After fifteen years you still hear, \"You ain't from 'round here, are ya?\" \r\n\r\n4. \"He needed killin'\" is a valid defense. \r\n\r\n5. Everyone has 2 first names. \r\n\r\n\r\nYou know you live in Colorado when... \r\n\r\n1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. \r\n\r\n2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center. \r\n\r\n3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. \r\n\r\n4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail. \r\n\r\n\r\nYou know you live in the Midwest when... \r\n\r\n1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. \r\n\r\n2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. \r\n\r\n3. You have had to switch from \"heat\" to \"A/C\" on the same day. \r\n\r\n4. You end sentences with a preposition: \"Where's my coat at?\" \r\n\r\n5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, \"It was different!\" \r\n\r\n\r\nYou know you live in Florida when... \r\n\r\n1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. \r\n\r\n2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. \r\n\r\n3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. \r\n\r\n4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. \r\n\r\n5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9713,
"title": "You Know You Live In..."
},
{
"body": "A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. \"Professionally employed?\" he asked. \r\n\r\n\"We're a military family,\" the wife answered. \r\n\r\n\"Children?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve,\" she answered proudly. \r\n\r\n\"Animals?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, no,\" she said earnestly. \"They're very well behaved.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9715,
"title": "Property Problems..."
},
{
"body": "This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan. \r\n\r\nSo, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck. \r\n\r\nHe got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, \"Well, I made that one, didn't I?\" \r\n\r\n\"Sure did,\" the bystander said. \"But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9716,
"title": "Ferry"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny: \"Hey, Daddy, Spot just ate Mom's apple pie that was on the counter to cool off!\"\r\n\r\nDad: \"Don't worry, son. We'll get you a new dog.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9717,
"title": "Apple Pie"
},
{
"body": "Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's getting a little up there. She's at the age where she doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said, \"Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9718,
"title": "Mother-in-Law"
},
{
"body": "\"So, how did you do?\" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road. \r\n\r\n\"All I got were two orders.\" \r\n\r\n\"What were they? Anything good?\" \r\n\r\n\"Nope,\" the salesman replied. \"They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 9719,
"title": "Orders"
},
{
"body": "A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts. \r\n\r\nThe drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart. \r\n\r\nThree bulls eyes!!! \r\n\r\nAll are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize. \r\n\r\nThree weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize. \r\n\r\nThe bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk, \"Say, what did you win the last time?\" \r\n\r\nAnd the drunk responds, \"A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 9720,
"title": "Turtle"
},
{
"body": "A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? \r\n\r\nHis mother had an idea: \"Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?\" \r\n\r\nHe thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. \r\n\r\n\"The evening was a disaster,\" he moaned. \r\n\r\n\"Why, didn't she come over?\" asked his mother. \r\n\r\n\"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook....\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9721,
"title": "Date"
},
{
"body": "A juggler who was driving to his next performance was stopped by the police. \"What are those knives doing in your car?\" asked the officer. \r\n\r\n\"I juggle them in my act.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh yeah?\" says the cop. \"Let's see you do it.\" So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. \r\n\r\nA guy driving by sees this and says, \"Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 9722,
"title": "Drunk Juggler"
},
{
"body": "A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, \"Do these turkeys get any bigger?\" \r\n\r\nThe stock boy replied, \"No ma'am, they're dead.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9734,
"title": "Turkey"
},
{
"body": "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9735,
"title": "Love"
},
{
"body": "Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. \r\n\r\n\"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day,\" said the surgeon. \r\n\r\n\"What for?\" asked his colleague. \r\n\r\n\"About $17,000.\" \r\n\r\n\"What did he have?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh... About $17,000.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 9741,
"title": "Doctor Golf"
},
{
"body": "The door bell rings, and a man answers it. \r\n\r\nHere stands Little Johnny, dressed well but plainly, who says, \"Trick or Treat!\" \r\n\r\nThe man asks Johnny what he's dressed up like that for at Halloween. \r\n\r\nLittle Johnny says, \"I'm an IRS agent\"; then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9742,
"title": "IRS Agent"
},
{
"body": "A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list. \"Lady,\" Johnny explained, \"we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar.\" \r\n\r\n\"Wow,\" the woman replied. \"Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?\" \r\n\r\n\"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9743,
"title": "Scavenger Hunt"
},
{
"body": "Your mother has something wrong with her brain.\r\nAfter medical examination, the doctor tells her:\r\n\"Your brain has two parts: one is left, and the other is right.\r\nYour left side has nothing right,\r\nYour right side has nothing left.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9744,
"title": "Your Mother's Brain"
},
{
"body": "A nun walks into a liquor store and asks to buy a fifth of whiskey. She says it's for Mother Superior's constipation, so the owner says ok. She buys the booze and leaves. Two hours later, the owner closes store and walks through the park on his way home. As he's walking, he spots the same nun sitting on a park bench, roaring drunk. \"Shame on you, Sister\", he says, \"I thought that whiskey was for Mother Superior's constipation.\" \"It is,\" she slurrs. \"When she sees me, she'll crap!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 9745,
"title": "For Mother Superior"
},
{
"body": "While on the obstacle course in bootcamp, we had to lay on a rope and pull ourselves along.\r\nWhen I got to the other end and got my feet on the ground I asked my M/CPL if I could do that again.\r\nWhen he asked me why, I retorted with, \"Well I have a groove down my left nut, I would like to put a groove down my right nut so they would match up again.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 9747,
"title": "NUTS"
},
{
"body": "A soldier's letter home:\r\n\r\nDear Mom, I can't tell you where i am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear.\r\n\r\nTwo weeks later, another letter home:\r\n\r\nDear Mom, I can't tell you where I am, but yesterday i danced with a hula girl.\r\n\r\nTwo weeks later another letter home:\r\n\r\nDear Mom, I still can't tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9749,
"title": "Dear Mom"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama's so fat, she doesn't need the Internet - she's already world wide.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9760,
"title": "Fat"
},
{
"body": "Redneck Christmas Shopping \r\n \r\n You know you're a redneck when... \r\nyou go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 9761,
"title": "Redneck Holiday"
},
{
"body": "A blond employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. \r\n\r\n\"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,\" she says. \r\n\r\n\"Those asterisks are to protect you,\" the Help Desk technician explains, \"so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password.\" \r\n\r\n\"Yeah,\" she says, \"but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9764,
"title": "Password Stars"
},
{
"body": "A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, \"Granddaughter? Are you there?\" \r\n\r\nThe woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, \"Grandmother? Is that you?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes granddaughter, it's me.\" \r\n\r\n\"It's really, really you, grandmother?\" the woman repeats. \r\n\r\n\"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter.\" \r\n\r\nThe woman looks puzzled, \"You're sure it's you, grandmother?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me.\" \r\n\r\nThe woman pauses a moment, \"Grandmother, I have just one question for you.\" \r\n\r\n\"Anything, my child.\" \r\n\r\n\"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9765,
"title": "Grandmother's Memory"
},
{
"body": "At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office. \"It has not escaped my attention,\" he pointed out, \"that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor.\" \r\n\r\n\"You know, you're right, sir,\" exclaimed Fisk. \"I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9766,
"title": "Sick Aunt"
},
{
"body": "Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. \r\n\r\n\"I need someone with an accounting degree,\" the man said. \"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.\" \r\n\r\n\"Excuse me?\" the accountant said. \r\n\r\n\"I worry about a lot of things,\" the man said. \"But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.\" \r\n\r\n\"I see,\" the accountant said. \"And how much does the job pay?\" \r\n\r\n\"I'll start you at eighty thousand.\" \r\n\r\n\"Eighty thousand dollars!\" the accountant exclaimed. \"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?\" \r\n\r\n\"That,\" the owner said, \"is your first worry.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 9767,
"title": "Accountant"
},
{
"body": "The day after Halloween, Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th candybar one man on the bench across from him said, \"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.\" \r\n\r\nLittle Johnny replied, \"My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.\" \r\n\r\nThe man asked, \"Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?\" \r\n\r\nLittle Johnny answered, \"No, he but he knew how to mind his own business!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9768,
"title": "Candy Bar After Candy Bar"
},
{
"body": "A minister had just finished an excellent fried chicken dinner at the home of a congregation member when he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard. \r\n\r\n\"That's certainly a proud-looking rooster,\" the minister commented. \r\n\r\n\"Yes, sir,\" replied the farmer. \"He has reason to be proud-- one of his sons just entered the ministry.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9770,
"title": "Chicken"
},
{
"body": "-Your mom is so fat, I rolled over twice and I was still on top of her.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, you need a Thomas Guide to find her asshole.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, when she falls out of bed she falls on both sides.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, when she wears a yellow coat she looks like a school bus.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, she has her own zip code.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: California, Nevada, Arizona...\r\n-Your mom is so fat, when her beeper goes off people think she's backing up.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, when she sits around the house, she literally sits around the house.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, when she goes to the beach, people yell out, \"Whale Sighting!\"\r\n-Your mom is so fat, we get a drought every time she takes a shower.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, she uses hula hoops to hold up her socks.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, every time she walks her butt claps.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, she's on both sides of the family.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, she bungee jumps and goes straight to hell.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, she jumps up in the air and gets stuck.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, she uses the Freeway as a Slip 'n' Slide.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, when she wears white, she looks like the Michelin man.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, when she wears red, she looks like the Kool-Aid man.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, when she wears an \"X\" helicopters land on her.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, she's still waiting for someone to fill the Grand Canyon so she can take a bath.\r\n-Your mom is so big, she thinks that Niagara Falls is a drinking fountain.\r\n-Your mom is so big, she uses the Statue of Liberty as a tooth pick.\r\n-Your mom is so stupid, it takes her an HOUR to make MINUTE Rice.\r\n-Your mom is so stupid, she got locked up in a bathroom and pissed in her pants.\r\n-Your mom is so stupid, she tried to steal free samples.\r\n-Your mom is so stupid, she returned a doughnut because it had a hole in it.\r\n-Your mom is so stupid, she has no feet and complains her shoes are too tight.\r\n-Your mom is so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.\r\n-Your mom is so stupid, she set the VCR for 2 hours to record 60 minutes.\r\n-Your mom is so stupid, she asked me \"What does Yield mean?\" and I said, \"Slow down.\" And she said, slowly,\r\n\"W H A T D O E S Y I E L D M E A N ?\"\r\n-Your mom is so old she farts dust.\r\n-Your mom is so old the milk in her tits is expired.\r\n-Your mom is so old, Moses is in her yearbook.\r\n-Your mom is so old, she owes Jesus a quarter.\r\n-Your mom is like a fire hydrant, on every corner.\r\n-Your mom is like a screwdriver, everyone gets a turn.\r\n-Your mom is like a doorknob, everyone gets a Turn.\r\n-Your mom is like a hardware store, 5 cents a bolt, 10 cents a screw.\r\n-Your mom is like a gas station, pump first then pay.\r\n-Your mom is like Burger King , \"Your way right away.\"\r\n-Your mom is like IBM, \"Solutions for a small planet.\"\r\n-Your mom is like Timex , \"Takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin' \"\r\n-Your mom is like the Eagles Theater, 75 cents on Thursdays.\r\n-Your mom is like 7-Eleven, open 24 hours.\r\n-Your mom is like McDonalds, \"Serving Millions.\"\r\n-Your mom is like Pringles, \"Once you pop, you can't stop.\"\r\n-Your mom is like Taco Bell, \"59, 69, 79\"\r\n-Your mom is like Dominos, \"Hot, Wild, Now.\"\r\n-Your mom is like a railroad, laid all over the country.\r\n-Your mom is like the Energizer Bunny, keeps going and going and going...\r\n-Your mom is so stingy, she got a job at the 99 cent store\r\njust so she can get a 50% discount.\r\n-Your mom's teeth are so brown, she spits Yoo-hoo.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, when she was a kid she could only play seek.\r\n-Your mom is so old she got a kickstand.\r\n-Your mom's house is so small, she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.\r\n-Your mom's so old she only has two teeth, and they're both in her pocket!\r\n-Your mom's so stupid, she thought a paramedic was two doctors.\r\n-Your mom's old, she has an autographed version of the Bible. \r\n-Your mom's so fat it took five UFOs to abduct her.\r\n-Your mom is so fat she has to wear Levi's 1002s.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, when she dances the band skips.\r\n-Your mom's so old, when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick.\r\n-Your mom's so stupid, she tried to change the channel on a TV dinner.\r\n-Your mom's so old, she reminisces when she reads the bible.\r\n-Your mom is so fat, elephants throw peanuts at her.\r\n-Your mom's so ugly, when she's on he beach the tide won't come in!\r\n-Your mom's so fat, she gets a hang over just from sitting in a bar stool.\r\n-Your mom's so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.\r\n-I went to your house, kicked the door, and your mom came out barking.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 9773,
"title": "Need an Insult Instantly? Then Check Here..."
},
{
"body": "You know your joke is bad when....\r\n\r\n- All the comments rated -2 or less are the ones that say they actually like it.\r\n- There AREN'T any comments at all.\r\n- People ask if you are boring in real life.\r\n- It was so \"not funny\", that it was actually funny.\r\n\r\nAnd last but not least\r\n\r\n- There are absolutly NO duplicates of your joke because it was so bad.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n(I wonder if I can say the same for this)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9774,
"title": "How to Know Your Joke was Bad"
},
{
"body": "\"Grade inflation,\" where assigned grades creep higher and higher, is a concern for teachers. What's the logical limit of grade inflation? \r\nF - Student appears to be a multicellular organism. \r\n\r\nD - Student has mastered many autonomic bodily functions. \r\n\r\nC - Student can operate a writing instrument without harming self or others. \r\n\r\nB - Student is able to form a complete sentence, on the second or third try. \r\n\r\nA - Student has marginal to excellent understanding of the course material.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9781,
"title": "Grade Inflation"
},
{
"body": "Do you have feelings of inadequacy?\r\nDo you suffer from shyness?\r\nDo you sometimes wish you were more assertive?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIf you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila. \r\nTequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. \r\n\r\nYou will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. \r\n\r\nShyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. \r\n\r\nTequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. \r\n\r\nSide effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister. \r\n\r\nTequila. Leave Shyness Behind.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9782,
"title": "Do You Have Feelings of Inadequacy?"
},
{
"body": "A Girl went up to her mother and asked,\r\n\r\n\"Mum, is Amsterdam a swear word?\"\r\n\r\n\"No, why?\" She asked.\r\n\r\n\"Is Rotterdam a swear word?\" she asked.\r\n\r\n\"No, why?\" her mother repeated.\r\n\r\n\"Well, I heard little sister talking behind my back after I showed her my lollipop, and she said 'I hope that that lollipop rot her damn teeth!'\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9783,
"title": "Amsterdam"
},
{
"body": "A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. \"Our flag symbolizes our taxes,\" he said. \"We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.\" \r\n\r\n\"That's the same with us,\" the American said, \"only we see stars, too.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9785,
"title": "Taxing Flags"
},
{
"body": "\"Hey, Mom,\" asked Johnny \"Can you give me twenty dollars?\" \r\n\r\n\"Certainly not.\" \r\n\r\n\"If you do,\" he went on, \"I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.\" \r\n\r\nHis mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. \"Well? What did he say?\" \r\n\r\n\"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9786,
"title": "Twenty Dollars"
},
{
"body": "There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back. \r\n\r\nUpon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. \"How do you suppose this ball got in here?\" I asked the boy. \r\n\r\nTaking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, \"Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9788,
"title": "The Garage Window"
},
{
"body": "A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will. \r\n\r\nAt his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, \"This needs an heircut.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 9789,
"title": "Where There's a Will, There's a Way"
},
{
"body": "Mr. Turtle was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, \"Good Morning, Mr. Crow.\" \r\n\r\nMr. Crow shouted back down, \"Good Morning Mr. Turtle.\" Mr. Turtle shouted up, \"Whatcha doin' today?\" and the answer shouted back down was, \"Absolutely nothin' Mr. Turtle - Absolutely nothin' and loving it.\" \r\n\r\nWell, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Turtle, so he shouted back up, \"Do you think I could do that too?\" Mr. Crow shouted back down, \"I don't see why not!\" So, Mr. Turtle lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing. \r\n\r\nIn 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him. \r\n\r\nThe moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9790,
"title": "Doing Nothing - A Lesson in Life"
},
{
"body": "Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino. \r\n\r\nAt the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9791,
"title": "Heart Attack"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so fat, when she walked into a store the beeper went of twice",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9793,
"title": "Yo Momma Store"
},
{
"body": "A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. \r\n\r\nThe case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. \r\n\r\nThe attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. \r\n\r\nAfter the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, \"You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!\" \r\n\r\nThe old rancher replied, \"Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 9794,
"title": "Bull and Train"
},
{
"body": "A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road, when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. \r\n\r\nThe car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? \r\n\r\n\"I know,\" said the Departmental Manager, \"Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.\" \r\n\r\n\"No, no,\" said the Hardware Engineer, \"that will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the Software Engineer, \"before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 9796,
"title": "Problem Solving"
},
{
"body": "A \r\nis for Arteries.\r\nYou know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit; she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.\r\n\r\nB\r\nis for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils, and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together, and they get fat and old together and then DIE!! \r\n\r\nC\r\nis for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before. \r\n\r\nD\r\nis for Dumped. Does D need to be explained? \r\n\r\nE\r\nis for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said \"I'm not hungry\" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy; the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies. \r\n\r\nF\r\nis for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her. \r\n\r\nG\r\nis for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.\r\n\r\nH\r\nis for Horny. Remember when she looked nice, and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out. \r\n\r\nI\r\nstands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors. \r\n\r\nJ\r\nstands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy. \r\n\r\nK\r\nstands for Kill. \r\n\r\nL\r\nis for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. \r\n\r\nL\r\nis also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love. \r\n\r\nM\r\nstands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.\r\n\r\nN\r\nstands for Necrophiliac. She didn't move very much, did she? \r\n\r\nO\r\nis for On top. When on top she has another O word. \r\n\r\nP\r\nis for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for a few hundred bucks a month. \r\n\r\nQ \r\nis for Quitter. She couldn't last. \r\n\r\nR \r\nis for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it. \r\n\r\nS\r\nstands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.\r\n\r\nT \r\nis for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies. \r\n\r\nU\r\nis for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement. \r\n\r\nV \r\nis for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place. \r\n\r\nW \r\nstands for Whine. She was a pro at this. \r\n\r\nX \r\nis for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone. \r\n\r\nY \r\nstands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you. \r\n\r\nZ \r\nstands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled \"QUICK! They're home!\"\r\n\r\n.\r\nstands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9798,
"title": "ABC's of Ex Girlfriends"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nDoris\r\nDoris who?\r\nDoor is shut thats why i knocked!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 9802,
"title": "Knock on the Door"
},
{
"body": "A guy's car breaks down in the middle of town, and he looks for a hotel to stay in while he waits for his car to be fixed. He finds a very small hotel and walks in.\r\n\r\nHe asks the man at the counter, \"Do you have any rooms available?\"\r\n\r\nThe man at the counter says, \"Yeah, but don't stick your dick in the 3 holes.\"\r\n\r\n\"OK.\" The guy agrees and walks to his room. \r\n\r\nA couple of days go by and his car is still in the shop. He gets curious and sticks his dick in the first hole. \r\n\r\nHe says, \"Ahh,that feels good!\" Then he sticks his dick in the second hole, \"Ahh,that feels even better!\" Then he sticks his dick in the third hole, \"OUCH!!My dick!!\"\r\n\r\nHe quickly pulled his dick out and it was all bloody. He was very confused, but he went to sleep. \r\n\r\nThe next day he went to the counter to see what was in the holes, but before he could ask anything the man at the counter said, \"You stuck your dick in the three holes didn't you?\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"Yeah, how did you know? \r\n\r\n\"The man at the counter said, \"Well, my wife is pregnant, my daughter is pregnant, and my pencil sharpener is broken.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 9806,
"title": "The 3 Holes"
},
{
"body": "1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago. \r\n\r\n2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York. \r\n\r\n3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey. \r\n\r\n4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston. \r\n\r\n5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles. \r\n\r\n6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. \r\n\r\n7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy. \r\n\r\n8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle. \r\n\r\n9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas. \r\n\r\n10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia. \r\n\r\n11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9811,
"title": "How To Identify Where A Driver Is From"
},
{
"body": "1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship; she goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.\r\n\r\n2. We also sleep in separate beds; Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.\r\n\r\n3. I take my wife everywhere; but she keeps finding her way back.\r\n\r\n4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. \"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!\" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.\r\n\r\n5. We always hold hands; if I let go, she shops.\r\n\r\n6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She complained \"There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!\" So I bought her an electric chair.\r\n\r\n7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because\r\nthere was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me, \"In the lake.\"\r\n\r\n8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.\r\n\r\n9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling \"Am I too late\r\nfor the garbage?\" The driver said \"No, jump in!\"\r\n\r\n10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.\r\n\r\n11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.\r\n\r\n12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.\r\n\r\n13. The last fight was my fault though! My wife asked \"What's on the TV?\"; I said \"Dust!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9812,
"title": "RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE"
},
{
"body": "While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 73 year-old Texas rancher, whose hand had been caught in a gate while working cattle, a doctor and the old man were talking about George W. Bush being in the White House. \r\n\r\nThe old Texan said, \"Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle.'\" Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. \r\n\r\nThe old man said, \"When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.\" \r\n\r\nThe old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, \"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor, stupid bastard get down.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 9813,
"title": "Post Turtle"
},
{
"body": "A guy goes to his doctor and says,\r\n\"Doc, I have a problem.\"\r\n\r\n\"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.\"\r\n\r\n\"I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor says, \"You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out.\"\r\n\r\nThe man says, \"You have a deal Doc.\"\r\n\r\nMonday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.\r\n\r\nThe doctor asks, \"What happened\"?\r\n\r\nThe man answered, \"Nobody showed up!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 9815,
"title": "3 Viagra Pills"
},
{
"body": "The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, \"I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two.\" \r\n\r\nHer husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. \r\n\r\nHe was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, \"I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9816,
"title": "Newlyweds"
},
{
"body": "The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered through the rear of the church. \r\n\r\nOne of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and with drew automatic weapons. \r\n\r\nThe one in the middle announced, \"Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!\" \r\n\r\nNaturally, the pews emptied, followed by the chorus. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the chorus director and the assistant pastor. \r\n\r\nAfter a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit. \r\n\r\nThe men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, \"All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 9817,
"title": "Believer?"
},
{
"body": "Some times when the soap bar in the shower is small enough I like to swipe it thru my butt crack and say \" beep! credit card accepted\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9818,
"title": "I Like To.."
},
{
"body": "Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History. \r\n\r\nThe big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mike. \r\n\r\n\"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?\" \r\n\r\nBob nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. \r\n\r\n\"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?\" \r\n\r\nBob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. \r\n\r\n\"I'll try the second part first.\" \r\n\r\nThe Emcee nodded approvingly. \"Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half.\" \r\n\r\nThe audience silenced with gross anticipation... \r\n\r\n\"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9819,
"title": "The Question"
},
{
"body": "Amy was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. \"Listen to this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season tickets.\" \r\n\r\n\"Hmmm,\" her husband said, not bothering to look away from the game. \r\n\r\nAmy said teasingly, \"Would you swap me for season tickets?\" \r\n\r\n\"Absolutely not,\" he said, \"season's more than half over.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 9820,
"title": "Season Tickets"
},
{
"body": "The landlady asked me if I minded making my own bed. I said I didn't and she said great there's a hammer and nails in the corner.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9821,
"title": "Making Your Bed"
},
{
"body": "My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. \r\n\r\nShe nudged me and whispered, \"Wake up, wake up!\" \r\n\r\n\"What's the matter?\" I asked. \r\n\r\n\"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.\" \r\n\r\n\"That'll teach them!\" I replied.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9822,
"title": "Tuna Casserole"
},
{
"body": "The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. \r\n\r\nThree weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. \r\n\r\nThe cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, \"It's a miracle!\" \r\n\r\n\"Not really,\" said the cow. \"Your name is written inside the cover.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9823,
"title": "Cowboy"
},
{
"body": "(Passing requires 4 correct answers...) \r\n\r\n1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? \r\n\r\n2) Which country makes Panama hats? \r\n\r\n3) From which animal do we get catgut? \r\n\r\n4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? \r\n\r\n5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? \r\n\r\n6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal? \r\n\r\n7) What was King George VI's first name? \r\n\r\n8) What color is a purple finch? \r\n\r\n9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? \r\n\r\n10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? \r\n\r\nQuiz Answers: \r\n\r\n1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years \r\n\r\n2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador \r\n\r\n3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses \r\n\r\n4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November \r\n\r\n5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur \r\n\r\n6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal? Dogs \r\n\r\n7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert \r\n\r\n8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson \r\n\r\n9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand \r\n\r\n10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange, of course.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9825,
"title": "10 Question Quiz"
},
{
"body": "An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.\r\n\r\nHe gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, \"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?\"\r\n\r\nAll the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, \"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 9840,
"title": "Receptionist Etiquette"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?\r\n\r\nPregnant!\r\n\r\nWhy did the blonde die in the helecopter crash?\r\n\r\nShe got cold so she turned off the fan!\r\n\r\nHow did the blonde die ice fishing?\r\n\r\nShe got ran over by the zamboni machine!\r\n( Zambonis make the ice on skating rinks)\r\n\r\nHow did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?\r\n\r\nShe fell out of the tree!\r\n\r\nA blonde was taking a walk outside when a bird flew over her in the sky. When it suddenly dropped a load on her. What did she say?\r\n\r\nGood thing my mouth was open or it would've hit me in the face!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9841,
"title": "5 Jokes (3)"
},
{
"body": "Why didn't the brakes want to work?\r\n\r\nBecause it was time for their lunch break.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9843,
"title": "The Brakes"
},
{
"body": "Friendships between women:\r\nA woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.\r\n\r\nFriendships between men:\r\nA man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9846,
"title": "True Friendship"
},
{
"body": "Upon realizing that we both had the same middle name, I told the blond, \"Hey we have the same middle name!\"\r\nShe replied, \"Really? What's yours?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9847,
"title": "Middle Name"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78? \r\n\r\nAt 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.\r\nAt 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.\r\nAt 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.\r\nAt 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.\r\nAt 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.\r\nAt 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.\r\nAt 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story.\r\nAt 78 - You can get out of bed, that's another story.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9861,
"title": "Female Evolution"
},
{
"body": "A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink. \r\n\r\nThe lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. \r\n\r\nThere was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. \r\n\r\nThe housewife replied: \"Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 9865,
"title": "Friendly Pig"
},
{
"body": "Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we called the customer support phone number we found in the manual. \r\n\r\nI picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him. \r\n\r\nHe began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more. \r\n\r\n\"Sir,\" I said politely, \"Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?\" \r\n\r\n\"Okay,\" the computer support guy said, \"Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 9866,
"title": "Help!!"
},
{
"body": "At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, \"And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children.\" \r\n\r\nAs his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, \"You see, my wife is unbearable.\" \r\n\r\nPuzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: \"What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable.\" \r\n\r\nAs his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, \"That is, my wife, she is impregnable!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9868,
"title": "Unbearable"
},
{
"body": "Last summer, my husband, Bill, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore. \r\n\r\nOne day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. Bill tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. Bill pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp. \r\n\r\n\"That was terrific,\" I said. \"How did you do it?\" \r\n\r\n\"Simple,\" he replied. \"In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9869,
"title": "Satellite Dishes"
},
{
"body": "After a trial had been going on for three days, Finally, the blonde accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. \"Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'not guilty' to 'guilty' of the charges.\" \r\n\r\nThe judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. \"If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?\" he demanded. \r\n\r\nThe blonde looked up wide-eyed and stated, \"Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9870,
"title": "Court Plea"
},
{
"body": "I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic. \r\n\r\nI asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly and was told, \r\n\r\n\"In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here we drive in the shade.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9871,
"title": "Chaotic Driving"
},
{
"body": "My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking a 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswind. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, \"What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?\" \r\n\r\nThe tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered, \r\n\r\n\"We take the rocks out of our pockets.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9872,
"title": "Windy Kansas"
},
{
"body": "They have finally started practicing safe sex in Scotland...\r\nThey now paint red X's on the sheep that kick",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 9874,
"title": "Safe Sex"
},
{
"body": "A mom, Bri, and a son, Jorge, were eating dinner at the dinner table. Jorge pushes his plate away and says, \"I'm done.\"\r\n\r\nBri glances at Jorge's plate and notices he still has a pile of peas on it, \"No you don't. Not untill you eat all of your food.\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't like peas.\"\r\n\r\n\"They are not peas they are green M&M's but the trick is you can't taste the candy untill you swallow them.\"\r\n\r\nJorge gets excited and sticks a spoon full of peas in his mouth. Then he grabs his glass of milk and takes a drink.\r\n\r\nJorge says, \"your right mom they do taste like M&M's. Why don't you try?\"\r\n\r\n\"Who do you think you're kidding?,\" replies Bri and gives Jorge a sly look.\r\n\r\n\"Who do YOU think you're kidding?,\" Jorge says grabbing his glass of milk and pouring the peas out of it onto his plate.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9875,
"title": "M&M Peas"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat, when she walks she creates hurricanes.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 9876,
"title": "Hurricane 2"
},
{
"body": "Ok here are a few:\r\n\r\nI will try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.\r\n\r\nDon't flatter yourself. I was looking at your friend.\r\n\r\nI don't know what makes you so dumb, but it's really working.\r\n\r\nStupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go.\r\n\r\nIf I throw a stick, will you go away?\r\n\r\nWarning: I am hearing voices and they don't like you.\r\n\r\nStupidity is a right but you are abusing the privilege.\r\n\r\nYour mouth keeps moving but all I hear is bla, bla, bla.\r\n\r\nOn your mark, get set, go away.\r\n\r\nI would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 9877,
"title": "Fun Insults"
},
{
"body": "A guy goes to a fancy French restaurant. He's feeling adventurous, so he decides to order the squid. He is told that they are kept alive in a small aquarium in the restaurant, so that they are really fresh. As he's ordered squid, he can choose which squid he would like to eat!\r\n\r\nHe goes over to the aquarium and sees the squid swimming around. There's one squid that looks really sick - it's gone a strange shade of green, and even has strange fuzz growing around it's mouth. The guy is kind of grossed out, but he thinks - this poor squid - it looks really miserable, and no-one's going to choose it! Maybe I should put it out of its misery. So he asks the head chef - Gervaise - to cook up the little runt. Gervaise is surprised, but dips his hand in and grabs the squid.\r\n\r\nGervaise takes it into the kitchen, but as he's preparing to bring his cleaver down on the squid, it just looks so pathetic - twitching around. He can't do it. But still, the customer needs his squid! So he asks his Austrian kitchen assistant - Hans - to do the deed for him.\r\n\r\nBut Hans can't do it either! The squid is just so pathetic and helpless.\r\n\r\nWhich just goes to show...\r\n\r\nHans that do dishes can be as soft as Gervaise with vile, green, hairy-lipped squid.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 9890,
"title": "Squid?"
},
{
"body": "Guy: I'm having a problem with it.\r\nGirl: That's not surprising, it's very hard when you first learn.\r\n\r\n\r\nGuy: It's not working. I can't get it up.\r\nGirl: You just have to relax. It'll happen. You just have to work at it.\r\n\r\n\r\nGuy: Alright, I'm supposed to do what with my tongue again??\r\nGirl: Your tongue is the key, you have to use it like a tool. You have to know where to put your tongue where it's needed. Feel for problem areas.\r\n\r\n\r\nGuy: pbpbpbpb. man. this sucks.\r\nGirl: Try again. just go slower.\r\n\r\n\r\nGuy: Its too hard!\r\nGirl: Soften it up. \r\n\r\n\r\nGuy: Show me again?\r\nGirl: *shows him*\r\n\r\n\r\nGuy: Alright, let me try now.\r\nGirl: Your first time is an experience you'll always remember. I know you can do it!\r\n\r\n\r\nGuy: *tries again* pbpbpbb sssssssssss.... *POP!*\r\nGirl: You did it!\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nGuy: Yea... learning to blow bubbles with bubble gum is too hard, I'll stick with lollipops, thanks.\r\nGirl: Still, I knew you could do it!\r\n\r\n*Duh! What'd you think they were doing?!*",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9893,
"title": "What are They Doing?!"
},
{
"body": "Why did the melon jump into the water?\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause it wanted to be a watermelon!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 9894,
"title": "Melon"
},
{
"body": "One Side of a Phone Call between James Bond and a Former Sexual Partner\r\n\r\nHallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Loins?\r\n\r\nOh, grand! It''s Bond.\r\n\r\nJames Bond? O07?\r\n\r\nShaken not stirred? Tuxedo? The trunk-sized jet pack? We had a run in with an Austrian terrorist with the overdeveloped reptilian brain and a predilection for man-eating octopi launching bazookas?\r\n\r\nWell, contacting you took quite a bit of doing actually. You see, first I tried Giganta Loins. I must have looked in every phone directory that MI-6 could hack into. Then I figured out that Giganta might be a code name. I mean, who has the name Giganta Loins? Rather silly, when you think about it.\r\n\r\nYes, yes I suppose you do like it. Anyway, I recalled that I kept one of your garments \u00e2\u0080\u0093 your knickers actually. And there it was. Honey Rider is a much prettier and commonplace name. You should use that.\r\n\r\nAh, yes. The, uh... point. Well, it seems that... well, there''s no delicate way to put this. I have a rather nasty case of syphilis. And, um, I''m calling all my sexual partners to let them know that they should go get tested.\r\n\r\nUh-huh. Right. I know it was ten years ago. But the syphilis is rather unusual.\r\n\r\nWell, it has gonorrhea.\r\n\r\nYes, my syphilis has gonorrhea.\r\n\r\nAnd the gonorrhea has lice. And the lice have some undiscovered disease that''s kind of between hemorrhagic fever and the mumps. It's a virulent mutant strand developed by Dr. No-Means-Yes during mission: \"The Russian Spy Who Loved To Thunderball Me.\"\r\n\r\nYes, I know I said I had a condom. But you see all the condoms I had were made by Q, and apparently, the condoms weren't meant to be condoms -- they were designed to be used as a pocket parachute. Good man. If you need to have your stapler work as a gun, he''s your boy. Anyway, you didn't notice because while we were passionately embraced, your tongue accidentally trigged my knockout gas tooth and you, um, drifted off to sleep. But trust me, you enjoyed yourself. They all do.\r\n\r\nAnyway, with all the rather bizarre ailments my, um, bizarre ailments have, the doctors have advised me to contact everyone in my sexual history about my condition. No small feat, I assure you. If you saw the list, you''d think I''d been having sex with my fellow spies for 50 years!\r\n\r\nWell, this is what the doctors suggest. Right now, I am in a remote island facility. Actually there''s no facility. Just an island. And me. But they''re building one as soon as they can find enough hazmat suits. Anyway, a helicopter is going to pick you up and bring you to the island where we can be treated in isolation.\r\n\r\nChin up! Look at it this way: it''ll give us a chance to get caught up. And maybe once some of the redness goes down, along with some of the greenness and the larvae, we can do some REAL reminiscing.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, James.\" What''s that supposed to mean?",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 9896,
"title": "One-sided Phone Call"
},
{
"body": "Here is the difference between guts and balls.\r\n\r\nGuts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to just \"be there.\"\r\n\r\nBalls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, \"You're next.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9900,
"title": "Difference Between Guts and Balls"
},
{
"body": "Why did the penny jump off the cliff and not the quarter?\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause the quarter had more cents!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9903,
"title": "The Cliff"
},
{
"body": "Dear Santa,\r\nYou must be suprised that I'm writing to you on the 26th of December. I would like you to remember that I asked for a pair of rollar blades, a bicycle, an electric train, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying this whole year. Not only was I the first class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, but there was nobody in my neighborhood who behaved better than me including to my parents, my brothers and sisters, my neighbors, and my friends. I would even help the elderly across the street and go on errands. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What ball you have leaving me a fuckin yoyo, a lame whistle, and a pair of ugly socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat ugly prick, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fuckin year to come out lile this with shit under the tree. As if u hadn't fucked me enough you gave that little quiff across the street so many toys he can't even walk into his house. Don't let me see you trying to get your fat ass down the chimney next year. I'll throw rocks at the stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the North Pole, just like I had to do because you didn't get me a fuckin bike. FUCK U SANTA.Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, YOU FAT COCKSUCKER\r\n\r\n Sincerely,\r\n Little Johnny",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9906,
"title": "Santa Sucks"
},
{
"body": "If Six is afraid of Seven because Seven ate (Eight) Nine, why did Six soon die?\r\n\r\nBecause Six, Seven ate (Eight) (678)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9907,
"title": "It Ate Me"
},
{
"body": "This is a true story:\r\n A man was in a grocery store shopping, when he lit a cigarette.\r\n The manager walks up to him and politely asks him to extinguish it.\r\n The man refuses, saying \" Well you sell cigarettes here, dont you?\"\r\n The store manager replies \" Yes sir we do, and we also sell condoms.\"\r\n The man quickly put the cigarette out.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9908,
"title": "No Smoking"
},
{
"body": "A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. \r\n\r\nShe rattles off, \"Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?\" \r\n\r\nThe doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, \"Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9910,
"title": "A Visit to the Doctor"
},
{
"body": "A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. \r\n\r\n\"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,\" the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. \"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.\" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. \r\n\r\nFinally the lawyer said, \"Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.\" \r\n\r\nThe jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. \r\n\r\n\"But how?\" inquired the lawyer. \"You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.\" \r\n\r\nThe jury foreman replied, \"Oh, we all looked, but your client didn't.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 9911,
"title": "A Lawyer's Trick"
},
{
"body": "Johnny: \"Dad, stop drinking my root beer!!! Do I get free refills?\"\r\n\r\nDad: \"Sure -- I backwashed!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9924,
"title": "Root Beer"
},
{
"body": "Is that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 9926,
"title": "Pickup Lines"
},
{
"body": "Boy: Did it hurt?\r\nGirl: Did what hurt?\r\nBoy: When you fell from heaven.\r\nGirl: Aww, did it hurt when you got kicked out of hell?\r\n\r\n\r\nBoy: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.\r\nGirl: Really? If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put F and U together.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 9927,
"title": "Comebacks"
},
{
"body": "1 Why cant blondes make ice cubes?\r\n \r\nBecause they dont have the recipe! \r\n\r\n2 Two Blondes were in a car and came to a fork in a road, and the sign said Disneyland left.\r\n\r\nSo they turned around and went home.\r\n\r\n3 How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?\r\n \r\nEnvelopes in the disk drive.\r\n\r\n4 How do you confuse a blonde? \r\n\r\nTell her a blonde joke.\r\n\r\n5 Why don't Blondes make good cattle ranchers?\r\n \r\nThey can't keep their calves together.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9932,
"title": "5 Jokes (4)"
},
{
"body": "1 Why did the blonde cross the road? \r\n\r\nShe was tied to the baby that was stapled to the chicken.\r\n\r\n2 Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch? \r\n\r\nHer blinker was on\r\n\r\n3 What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear ? \r\n\r\nData transfer.\r\n\r\n4 What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? \r\n\r\nPull the pin and throw it back.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9935,
"title": "5 Jokes (5)"
},
{
"body": "Here are some cute things kids thought up when asked to write about the moon (all the spelling mistakes are original!)\r\n\r\nThe moon is a saterlight.\r\n\r\nA long time ago a big object hit the Moon and some of the moon fell off.\r\n\r\nIf u look through a telliscope you can see big holes.\r\n\r\nThere are big montines on the moon just like on Earth - they are some of the left-overs of the Moon in big lumps\r\n\r\nNeil Armstrong was the first person to step on the Moon. He had weights in his boots so he wouldn't fall off.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9949,
"title": "The Moon"
},
{
"body": "What do starving Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?\r\n They are both living off dead Beatles.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 9952,
"title": "Tasteless"
},
{
"body": "Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.\r\nA: Pick it up and shake it. \r\n\r\nQ: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?\r\nA: Pick it up and shake it. \r\n\r\nQ: What's the shortcut for Undo?\r\nA: Pick it up and shake it. \r\n\r\nQ: How do I create a New Document window?\r\nA: Pick it up and shake it. \r\n\r\nQ: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?\r\nA: Pick it up and shake it. \r\n\r\nQ: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?\r\nA: Pick it up and shake it. \r\n\r\nQ: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?\r\nA: Pick it up and shake it. \r\n\r\nQ: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?\r\nA: Don't shake it.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 9953,
"title": "Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support"
},
{
"body": "1 What's the advantage of having a blonde as a girlfriend?\r\n\r\nYou get to park in handicapped zones.\r\n\r\n2 What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? \r\n\r\nA rebel without a clue.\r\n\r\n3 Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses?\r\n \r\nSo they don't crap on the street during parades!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9958,
"title": "3 Jokes (6)"
},
{
"body": "A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. ''If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.'' Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. \r\nFinally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ''Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.''",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 9959,
"title": "Snowstorm"
},
{
"body": "The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, \r\n\r\n\"Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like.\" \r\n\r\nMr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: \r\n\r\n\"Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex... you'll love it!\" \r\n\r\nDoris thinks for a minute and says, \r\n\"I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK...maybe I would have such sex with you...\" \r\n\r\nMr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him: \"Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: \r\n\r\n\"Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz... Now, I'll just address this... By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9972,
"title": "Doctor's Note"
},
{
"body": "It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, \"Happy Butt.\" The teacher said, \"Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out.\" So she went to the principal's office and he asked, \"What's your name?\" And the little girl said, \"Happy Butt.\" The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, \"Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt.\" The girl then exclaimed, \"Glad Ass, Happy Butt what's the difference?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 9974,
"title": "Happy Butt"
},
{
"body": "By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. ''You've got to have a room somewhere,'' he pleaded. ''Or just a bed, I don't care where.'' ''Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,'' admitted the manager, ''and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.'' ''No problem,'' the tired Marine assured him. ''I'll take it.'' \r\nThe next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. ''How'd you sleep?'' asked the manager. ''Never better.'' The manager was impressed. ''No problem with the other guy snoring, then?'' ''Nope, I shut him up in no time,'' said the Marine. ''How'd you manage that?'' asked the manager. ''He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,'' the Marine explained. ''I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.''",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9976,
"title": "Dealing With Snoring"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a mouth without any teeth?- Grandma",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 9990,
"title": "Mums the Word"
},
{
"body": "If men and women had buttons, a man's button panel would look like...\r\n\r\nA vacuum - \"On\" and \"Off\" switch\r\n\r\n\r\nA woman's panel would look like...\r\n\r\nAn airplane. So many buttons...ahhh...where's the mute?!!!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9995,
"title": "Buttons"
},
{
"body": "MISSION: GO TO GAP, BUY A PAIR OF PANTS\r\n\r\nMale\r\n\r\nTime: 6 min\r\nCost: $33\r\nMission accomplished? Yes\r\nExtra stops: None\r\n\r\n\r\nFemale\r\n\r\nTime: 3 hours 26 min\r\nCost: $876\r\nMission accomplished? No\r\nExtra stops: Macy's, JC Penny, Sears...etc...etc...etc...",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9996,
"title": "Mall"
},
{
"body": "Chances of a Man Winning an Argument:\r\n\r\nDating: 50%\r\n\r\nEngagement: 25%\r\n\r\nMarriage Period: 0%, very rare",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 9997,
"title": "Chances of a Man Winning an Argument"
},
{
"body": "Most people worry about getting AIDS from sex. \r\nBill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 9999,
"title": "Clinton"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear Bill Clinton gave up playing his sax-a-phone? \r\nHe now plays his whore-monica.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10000,
"title": "Clinton2"
},
{
"body": "Why does Clinton wants a postage stamp issued in his image? \r\nSo he gets licked more often.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10001,
"title": "Clinton 3"
},
{
"body": "Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours? \r\nClinton was showing her the proper way to take \"dic\"tation.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10002,
"title": "Clinton 4"
},
{
"body": "What's the new name for the place where Bill Clinton does his business? \r\nThe Oral Office.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10003,
"title": "More Clinton"
},
{
"body": "What does Monica Lewinsky have on her resume? \r\n\"Sat on the Presidential Staff\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10004,
"title": "More Clinton"
},
{
"body": "Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study? \r\nHe wants to show them his executive branch.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10005,
"title": "Still More Clinton"
},
{
"body": "What's Bill Clinton's favorite movie ? \r\nSex lies and video tape",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10006,
"title": "More Clinton 2"
},
{
"body": "What is Bill's definition of safe sex? \r\nWhen Hillary is out of town.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 10007,
"title": "More Clinton 3"
},
{
"body": "How does Clinton divert his attention from the latest controversy? \r\nHe just keeps on plugging away.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10008,
"title": "Still More Clinton"
},
{
"body": "Q. What goes clop... clop... clop... BANG! clop clop clop clop clop clop?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA. An Amish driveby",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10009,
"title": "What Goes..."
},
{
"body": "Why is a blond, Blond?\r\n\r\nIsn't it obvious? They're dumb.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10010,
"title": "Blond"
},
{
"body": "I'm the kind of person who laughs at a joke three times: Once it's told, once it's explained, and 5 minutes later once I get it.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10012,
"title": "Laugh"
},
{
"body": "This joke's so old, it has mold on it! HA HA HA!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10013,
"title": "Moldy"
},
{
"body": "It's pretty bad if you start typing \"lol\" as if it were a sentence (Lol.)\r\n\r\nIts worse if you start saying, \"laugh out loud\" in everday conversations.\r\n\r\nIt's absolutely horrible if you actually say, \"l-o-l.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 10014,
"title": "Lol"
},
{
"body": "Not all lawyers are bad.\r\nI've seen some graveyards full of good ones!",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 10026,
"title": "NOT ALL BAD"
},
{
"body": "What is a kangaroo's favorite restaurant?\r\n\r\nIHOP!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10027,
"title": "Kangakes"
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?\r\n\r\nIt only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 10028,
"title": "Picture"
},
{
"body": "1 How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?\r\n\r\nTell her a joke on Wednesday.\r\n\r\n2 What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?\r\n\r\nTrying to hold on to a thought.\r\n\r\n3 Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?\r\n\r\nThey don't know the route.\r\n\r\n4 Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?\r\n\r\nNo smoking.\r\n\r\n5 How do you drive a blonde crazy?\r\n\r\nGive her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.\r\n\r\n6 Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?\r\n\r\nFor throwing out the W's.\r\n\r\n7 How did the blonde die drinking milk?\r\n\r\nThe cow fell on her.\r\n\r\n8 Why do blondes like lightning?\r\n\r\nThey think someone is taking their picture.\r\n\r\n9 Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?\r\n\r\nThey can't get the bottle into the typewriter.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10030,
"title": "9 Jokes #1"
},
{
"body": "1 A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, \"Go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them.\"\r\n\r\nA red head said, \"O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?\" The blonde replied, \"Oh, that's easy, 'W'.\"\r\n\r\n2 A blonde was telling her priest a Polack joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, \"Don't you know I'm Polish?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, I'm sorry,\" the blonde apologizes, \"do you want me to start over and talk slower?\"\r\n\r\n3 A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer popped out of the machine. She set it on the ground, put sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!\r\n\r\nShe continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. \"Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde turns around and says, \"Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!\"\r\n\r\n4 A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true or false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall and stares at the question paper for five minutes. Then, in a fit of inspiration, takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.\r\n\r\nDuring the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.\r\n\r\n\"I finished the exam in a half hour,\" she replies. \"Now I'm rechecking my answers.\"\r\n\r\n5 A blonde decides to try to learn horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.\r\n\r\nIt gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of sheer terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.\r\n\r\nFinally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.\r\n\r\nUnfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. She is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10031,
"title": "5 Blonde Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Q:After a runner reached the end of a long, gruelling marathon, officials were amazed to see him continue to run. Why did he do this?\r\n\r\nA:The man was let out of prison for the day to enter the marathon. He kept on running to avoid prison.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10045,
"title": "The Runner"
},
{
"body": "One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, \"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10047,
"title": "Gift Giving"
},
{
"body": "Two friends, Al and Mike, were walking through the woods, when suddenly a snake jumped up and bit Mike on the penis. He was quickly down on the ground writhing in pain, so Al yelled,\"Wait here while I run and get help!\" So Al runs into town, gets to the doctors office, and tells him what happened. The doctor tells him he cannot leave the office, but told Al he would need to bite open the wound and suck out all of the venom. Al runs back into the woods, and finds Mike still writhing in pain. \r\n\r\n\"What did the doctor say?\" asked Mike. And Al told him, \r\n\r\n\"The doctor says you're gonna die!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10048,
"title": "Snake Bite"
},
{
"body": "I hate thongs! I mean, come on, Women don't need to floss their butts.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10051,
"title": "Thongs"
},
{
"body": "War not determine who right, war determine who left.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10052,
"title": "War"
},
{
"body": "What is the name of a naked woman lying between two naked men?\r\n\r\n\r\nSharin Peters",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10053,
"title": "Guess Who!!"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nStew\r\nStew who?\r\nStew cold out here, let me in!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 10054,
"title": "Stew"
},
{
"body": "IF I LOST A DOLLAR FOR EVERY BRAIN YOU HAVE, I WOULD BE IN DEBT",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10055,
"title": "Funny, Sorta"
},
{
"body": "Which animals eat with their ears? \r\n\r\nAll of them, since no animal takes its ears off to eat!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10068,
"title": "Eat With Ears"
},
{
"body": "1 What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?\r\n\r\nA know-it-all bitch.\r\n\r\n2 I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.\r\n\r\nShe told me she didn't know how to cook them.\r\n\r\n3 Did you hear about the blonde who\r\nwas M.D. (mentallY deficient)\r\n\r\n4 Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?\r\n\r\nThey don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.\r\n\r\n5 What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?\r\n\r\nA blonde parade.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10074,
"title": "5 Jokes (9)"
},
{
"body": "1 What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?\r\n\r\nAir bubbles!\r\n\r\n2 What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?\r\n\r\nAn air mattress.\r\n\r\n3 What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?\r\n\r\nShe moved.\r\n\r\n4 What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?\r\n\r\nThird Grade.\r\n\r\n5 Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?\r\n\r\nBecause she loved children.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10075,
"title": "5 Jokes (10)"
},
{
"body": "1 Why did God create brunettes?\r\n\r\nSo ugly men wouldn't feel left out\r\n\r\n2 Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?\r\n\r\nIt doesn't show the dirt\r\n\r\n3 Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?\r\n\r\nIt matches their mustache.\r\n\r\n4 What do brunettes miss most about a great party?\r\n\r\nThe invitation.\r\n\r\n5 What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?\r\n\r\nGay, married, or a hostage.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10076,
"title": "5 Jokes (11) Revenge of the Blondes"
},
{
"body": "here is a link to the joke\r\n\r\nhttp://miamistreetracing.com/forum/v...d.php?tid=2385",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10089,
"title": "How to Keep an Idiot Busy For Hours"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mamma is so fat she never wakes up on the wrong side of the bed; she wakes up on EVERY side of the bed!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10090,
"title": "Yo Mamma's Fat"
},
{
"body": "The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.\r\n\r\nShe called on him and said, \"Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny quickly replied, \"NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10092,
"title": "Math"
},
{
"body": "1 JACK AND JILL Went up the hill \r\nTo have a little fun. \r\nStupid Jill forgot the pill \r\nAnd now they have a son.\r\n\r\n2 MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB \r\nHer father shot it dead. \r\nNow it goes to school with her, \r\nBetween two hunks of bread. \r\n\r\n3 HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall, \r\nHumpty Dumpty had a great fall. \r\nAll the kings' horses, \r\nAnd all the kings' men. \r\nHad scrambled eggs, \r\nFor breakfast again. \r\n\r\n4 HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle, \r\nAll over the bedside clock. \r\nThe little dog laughed to see such fun. \r\nThen died of electric shock. \r\n\r\n5 There was a little girl who had a little curl \r\nRight in the middle of her forehead. \r\nWhen she was good, she was very, very good. \r\nBut when she was bad........ \r\nShe got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10095,
"title": "Fairy Tales"
},
{
"body": "1 What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?\r\n\r\nBigfoot has been spotted.\r\n\r\n2 How do you drown a blonde?\r\n\r\nPut a mirror at the bottom of the pool.\r\n\r\n3 What's the blonde's cheer?\r\n\r\n\"I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well...\r\n\r\n4 What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?\r\n\r\nChange.\r\n\r\n5 How does a blonde moonwalk?\r\n\r\nShe pulls down her panties and slides her butt along the floor!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10097,
"title": "5 Jokes (13)"
},
{
"body": "1 What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?\r\n\r\nWho knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.\r\n\r\n2 Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?\r\n\r\nBecause it says on it \"good for up to 20 pounds.\"\r\n\r\n3 Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?\r\n\r\nBecause on the box it said From 2-4 years.\r\n\r\n4 What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?\r\n\r\n\"Nice boobs!\"\r\n\r\n5 How does a blonde high-5?\r\n\r\nShe smacks herself in the forehead.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10098,
"title": "5 Jokes (14)"
},
{
"body": "1 What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?\r\n\r\nA Space Invader.\r\n\r\n2 What's a blondes' favorite rock group?\r\n\r\nAir Supply.\r\n\r\n3 What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?\r\n\r\nThe back of her head.\r\n\r\n4 Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?\r\n\r\nSo that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.\r\n\r\n5 What do you call a smart blonde?\r\n\r\nA golden retriever.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10099,
"title": "5 Jokes (15)"
},
{
"body": "1 Why are blondes hurt by people's words?\r\n\r\nBecause people keep hitting them with dictionaries.\r\n\r\n2 What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?\r\n\r\nThe supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.\r\n\r\n3 What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?\r\n\r\nAn air bag.\r\n\r\n4 Did you hear about the blonde coyote?\r\n\r\nGot stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.\r\n\r\n5 Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?\r\n\r\nBecause she got an F in sex.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10101,
"title": "5 Jokes (16)"
},
{
"body": "Found on Roadside Dead\r\n\r\nFucked Over Re-built Dodge",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10104,
"title": "FORD Stands For..."
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma jokes are so stupid, I barf everytime I see one!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10105,
"title": "Yo Momma jokes are stupid"
},
{
"body": "Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual. \r\nThe doctor, addressing all three of them, said, \"If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.\"\r\n\r\nThe men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.\r\n\r\nNo sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.\r\n\r\nHis companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.\r\n\r\nThe homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, \"If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10133,
"title": "Deadly Habits"
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? \r\nMechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 10146,
"title": "The Difference"
},
{
"body": "Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, \"It was a mechanical engineer; just look at all the joints.\" \r\nAnother said, \"No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.\" \r\nThe last one said, \"Actually, it was a civil engineer. I mean, who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10148,
"title": "The Designer of the Human Body"
},
{
"body": "Normal people believe that \"If it ain't broke, don't fix it.\" Engineers believe that \"If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10149,
"title": "If it Ain't Broke..."
},
{
"body": "A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw. A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species. In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.\r\n\r\n\"Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,\" says the judge. \"But I have to ask\u00e2\u0080\u0094what did the eagle taste like?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, your honor,\" the hiker says, \"it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10151,
"title": "Mmmm, Tasty"
},
{
"body": "After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. \r\n\r\nThere is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, \"I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.\" \r\n\r\nTheir faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, \"Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10154,
"title": "Borrowed Car"
},
{
"body": "Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about.\r\n\r\n1) Can you cry under water?\r\n\r\n2) How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?\r\n\r\n3) What disease did cured ham actually have?\r\n\r\n4) How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?\r\n\r\n5) Why is it that people say they \"slept like a baby\" when babies wake up like every two hours?\r\n\r\n6) Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?\r\n\r\n7) Why is \"bra\" singular and \"panties\" plural?\r\n\r\n8) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?\r\n\r\n9) If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, then why is there a stupid song about him?\r\n\r\n10) If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?\r\n\r\n11) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?\r\n\r\n12) Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!\r\n\r\n13) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?\r\n\r\n14) Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?\r\n\r\n15) Why did you just try singing the two songs above?\r\n\r\n16) Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10155,
"title": "Life's Unanswered Questions, Part 3"
},
{
"body": "Why, Oh Why, Oh Why . . .\r\n\r\nWhy do we press harder on a remote control when we know the \r\nbatteries are getting weak?\r\n\r\nWhy do banks charge a fee on \"insufficient funds\" when they know there is not enough?\r\n\r\nWhy does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?\r\n\r\nWhy doesn't glue stick to the bottle? \r\n\r\nWhy doesn't Tarzan have a beard?\r\n\r\nWhy does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?\r\n\r\nWhy do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? \r\n\r\nWhose idea was it to put an \"S\" in the word \"lisp\"?\r\n\r\nIf people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?\r\n\r\nWhy is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?\r\n\r\nIs there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?\r\n\r\nWhy do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? \r\n\r\nWhy do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?\r\n\r\nWhy is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?\r\n\r\nHow do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?\r\n\r\nWhen we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, \"It's all right?\" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, \"That hurt, you stupid idiot?\"\r\n\r\nWhy is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?\r\n\r\nIn winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?\r\n\r\nHow come you never hear father-in-law jokes?\r\n\r\nAnd the Number 1 - why . . .\r\n\r\nThe statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10158,
"title": "Why Oh Why"
},
{
"body": "Signs in our world...\r\n\r\nPlease be safe. Do not stand, sit, climb or lean on zoo fences. If you fall, animals could eat you and that might make them sick. Thank you.\r\n\r\nOUR AIM IS TO KEEP THIS BATHROOM CLEAN.\r\nGENTLEMEN: Your aim will help. Stand closer. It's shorter than you think.\r\nLADIES: Please remain seated for the entire performance.\r\n\r\nCAUTION: This machine has no brain. Use your own.\r\n\r\nSt. Cyril of Alexandria Catholic Church\r\nStaying in bed shouting, Oh, God! does not constitute going to church. Diocese of Galveston-Houston.\r\n\r\nStiff Nipples Air Conditioning Service. 020 8797 2690\r\n\r\nNote to NiteLink Passengers. Ladies, the poles are fitted for your safety. No dancing.\r\n\r\nAttention Dog Guardians: Pick up after your dogs. Thank you.\r\nAttention Dogs: Grrrr, bark, woof. Good dog.\r\n\r\nMr. Toskana has had an expensive divorce and now needs the money, so SALE NOW ON!!\r\n\r\nPLEASE Don't throw your cigarette butts on the floor. The cockroaches are getting cancer.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10160,
"title": "Signs With a Sense of Humor"
},
{
"body": "Old photographers never die, they just go out of focus!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10161,
"title": "Photographers"
},
{
"body": "You Know You're From Connecticut When... \r\n\r\nYou have hiked up a big hill or small mountain at least once for a keg party. \r\n\r\nYou never went to a bar in high school. \r\n\r\nYou thought that the only highways were 91 and 84. \r\n\r\nYou thought everyone couldn't buy beer after 8 pm \r\n\r\nYou actually thought that Hartford was big \r\n\r\nYou or someone you know has attended UCONN \r\n\r\nYou drive a JETTA \r\n\r\nYou still think that the Whalers are cool. \r\n\r\nYou have been to Misquamicut and to that little hot dog place. \r\n\r\nThere is a farm within miles of your house \r\n\r\nYou thought bars were really for people over 21 \r\n\r\nYour high school thanksgiving football game was the highlight of your school year. \r\n\r\nYou don't have an accent when you talk.\r\n\r\nYou have known at least 2 preppy rich kids from Fairfield who listen to Phish.\r\n\r\nYou love Hilton Kaderli and your mom cried when he retired. \r\n\r\nUConn basketball rules and no one can tell you different \r\n\r\nYou have deer in your backyard. \r\n\r\nYou didn't drink or do drugs until 10th grade. \r\n\r\nYou still don't understand why people say that Connecticut is the richest state. \r\n\r\nYour best friend went to Central, Western, Eastern and finally Manchester Community College. \r\n\r\nYour mom works at Travelers and your dad works at Pratt and Whitney. \r\n\r\nYou have been drunk at the Meadows and don't remember the concert. \r\n\r\nYou go to Riverside at least once a summer.\r\n\r\nYour parents actually care about the Governor, the Patriots coming to Hartford, the lights at Christmas in Hartford & Channel 3 news.\r\n\r\nYou have a UCONN flag outside of your house year round.\r\n\r\nYou think New Jersey was a toxic waste dump.\r\n\r\nYou hang out at Denny's.\r\n\r\nYou've partied at bonfires. \r\n\r\nYou have at least one friend with a pickup.\r\n\r\nYou think everyone works tobacco in the summer.\r\n\r\nYou think Old Lyme is a shore town.\r\n\r\nYou've been to Cape Cod.\r\n\r\nYou think the Connecticut River is endless.\r\n\r\nThe town diner is the only place open after midnight. \r\n\r\nYou have at least 4 friends who drive Jeep Grand Cherokees.\r\n\r\nYou root for all the New York sports teams.\r\n\r\nIf anybody asks, you're from just outside of New York. \r\n\r\nYou've never looked at a public bus schedule.\r\n\r\nYou have both girlfriends and guyfriends with the same name as you.\r\n\r\nYou go to the diner late night to post party. \r\n\r\nYou think New Haven is the worst ghetto you've ever seen.\r\n\r\nYou can proudly tell an outsider about Nutmeg. \r\n\r\nYou weekend either on the Cape or Rhode Island at a summer home.\r\n\r\nYou have said, \" I'm in a good location... Between both Boston and New York.\" \r\n\r\nYou can carry on a conversation about Mike Liut, Torrie Robertson, and the Brass Bonanza.\r\n\r\nYou have to explain Cow Tipping to people from out of state.\r\n\r\nWhen you go to a real city, you sincerely feel bad for every poor / homeless person you see.\r\n\r\nYou get pissed at anyone who doesn't know how to drive in the snow.\r\n\r\nYou can name all the members of the UCONN men's and women's basketball teams.\r\n\r\nYou still can't find your way in Hartford (except for that bar area near Union Station.)\r\n\r\nYou hold the door open for someone and they don't say \"Thank You.\" \r\n\r\nYou own a golden or a lab (used to...) \r\n\r\nYou own real Oakley's.\r\n\r\nYou only know Westbrook and Clinton because they have good outlets.\r\n\r\nYou don't think you're a yuppie, but the rest of the country does.\r\n\r\nYou only ski in Vermont or out West.\r\n\r\nYour mother is the head of the PTA.\r\n\r\nThere is absolutely nothing to do in the winter.\r\n\r\nYou live twenty minutes from either an Abercrombie & Fitch, J. Crew, or GAP.\r\n\r\nYou sail, or know someone who does. \r\n\r\nYou don't understand why everyone else has not been to Europe.\r\n\r\nYou can't get through the week with out a Coffee Coolata.\r\n\r\nYour family owns more cars than legal drivers.\r\n\r\nSchool attire is a North Face fleece jacket, a North Face Fleece or L.L. Bean back pack, a plaid shirt, khakis, and Doc Martens.\r\n\r\nSummer footwear is either Reefs or Birks.\r\n\r\nYou carry your keys on a carabiner, but you don't know how to rock climb. \r\n\r\nYou feel for the homeless, but are not willing to give up the golf course land to develop a homeless shelter. \r\n\r\nAs a child you took horseback riding, golfing, tennis and swimming lessons. \r\n\r\nYou grew up wanting to be a lifeguard.\r\n\r\nYou own every DMB CD.\r\n\r\nThe state is so small you know where all the speed traps are.\r\n\r\nYou can't understand why people don't understand what your talking about when you refer to a \"package\" store.\r\n\r\nYou went to prep school even though your public schools are awesome.\r\n\r\nPeople actually wear sweaters around their necks.\r\n\r\nYou've never taken public transportation.\r\n\r\nYou know of at least one person whose house was totally trashed after a huge party.\r\n\r\nYour mom drives a Volvo wagon.\r\n\r\nYou have at least one friend whose house was built in the 1800's.\r\n\r\nYou live in a huge colonial.\r\n\r\nYou know at LEAST one person who has been pulled over and found to have weed in their car.\r\n\r\nThe only overcrowding is of deer in your backyard.\r\n\r\nYour house would cost half as much in any other state.\r\n\r\nYour wardrobe contains at least three pairs of cords and five wool sweaters.\r\n\r\nHalf of your friends are from another town because yours is so small.\r\n\r\nAt least one of your friends has a sick house right on the water.\r\n\r\nYou actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Connecticut.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10162,
"title": "You Know You Live in Connecticut When..."
},
{
"body": "You Know You're From Westchester When... \r\n\r\nYou go to a Dave Matthews Band concert and end up running into people you know from your school.\r\n\r\nHalf the people in your school mysteriously develop inner-Queens accents during 7th and 8th grade.\r\n\r\nStarbucks is a regular stop for you.\r\n\r\nYou say Abercrombie & Fitch makes you want to puke, yet you sport at least one outfit from the store each week\r\n\r\nNYU is your top choice for college.\r\n\r\nIf you go to Catholic school, you know everyone at all the Catholic schools in Westchester.\r\n\r\nIf you go to public school you still manage to know everyone at all the Catholic schools in Westchester.\r\n\r\nBelow 1400 is a \"so-so\" SAT score\r\n\r\nYou claim to hate your school, but you go to all the dances and play at least one varsity sport anyway.\r\n\r\nEven though your best friend lives a stone's throw away, you have most of your conversations with him/her on AOL or AIM.\r\n\r\nYou know you have to act tough when going to The Galleria, or else you might get shot.\r\n\r\nYou know you have to act sophisticated when you go to The Westchester, or else you'll get kicked out.\r\n\r\nYour summer vacation is most likely one of the following: LBI, Cape May, Wildwood, Seaside Heights, or, more simply \"The Jersey Shore.\"\r\n\r\nYou know someone who knows the girl who starred in \"The Blair Witch Project.\"\r\n\r\nYour dad works in an office and wears a suit and tie to work every day.\r\n\r\nYour mom either works part-time or volunteers, but whatever she does, it's enough to hold a 24-hour a day guilt-trip over you.\r\n\r\nIf you don't drive, the Metro North train is your best friend, assuming, of course, you're able to avoid the ticket-collector.\r\n\r\nA trip into NYC for a day is your idea of \"getting away from it all.\"\r\n\r\nIt pisses you off that your friends from the Bronx call this area \"upstate New York.\"\r\n\r\nYou've met Vanessa Williams at least once.\r\n\r\nYou complain that the Jefferson Valley Mall is trash, but you find yourself hanging out there every weekend anyway.\r\n\r\nYou think anyone who lives south of New Jersey is a hick.\r\n\r\nEveryone winds up spending Spring Break in the Hamptons.\r\n\r\nThe students in your school drive nicer cars than the teachers.\r\n\r\nYour sixteenth birthday present: Jeep, or your mom's old BMW\r\n\r\nYour mother went to a great college, and now does nothing\r\n\r\nYou say that you are \"just outside the city\" regardless of where you live\r\n\r\nUnlike every other area in the New York Metro area, you believe that people from Westchester, \"really don't have accents.\"\r\n\r\nSomebody had to teach you to do your laundry when you went away to college\r\n\r\nYou consider anything North of White Plains, \"Upstate\"\r\n\r\nYour family belongs to a health club, a golf club, and/or a beach club\r\n\r\nYou actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Westchester.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10163,
"title": "You Know You're From Westchester When..."
},
{
"body": "Why didn't the blonde go on the amusement park ride?\r\n\r\nBecause he was too tall.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10165,
"title": "Amusement Park Ride"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?\r\nA. More leg-room!\r\n\r\nQ. Why don't blondes use vibrators?\r\nA. They chip their teeth.\r\n\r\nQ. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?\r\nA. Fertilized.\r\n\r\nQ. Why do blondes like tilt steering?\r\nA. More headroom.\r\n\r\nQ. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?\r\nA. Because everyone gets a turn.\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?\r\nA. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.\r\n\r\nQ. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?\r\nA. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!\r\n\r\nQ. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?\r\nA. Frosted Flakes.\r\n\r\nQ. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?\r\nA. An airbag.\r\n\r\nQ. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?\r\nA. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.\r\n\r\nQ. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?\r\nA. They both swallowed a lot of semen.\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?\r\nA. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.\r\n\r\nQ. How did the blonde burn her nose?\r\nA. Bobbing for chips.\r\n\r\nQ. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?\r\nA. Brain tumor.\r\n\r\nQ. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?\r\nA. So she can have a doggie bag for later.\r\n\r\nQ. How would a blonde punctuate the following: \"Fun fun fun worry worry worry\"\r\nA. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....\r\n\r\nQ. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?\r\nA. \"Way to go team!\"\r\n\r\nQ. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?\r\nA. FULL.\r\n\r\nQ. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?\r\nA. She slipped off and fell down the drain.\r\n\r\nQ. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?\r\nA. So she could lip read.\r\n\r\nQ. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?\r\nA. You get to park in the handicap zone.\r\n\r\nQ. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?\r\nA. Pregnant.\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?\r\nA. Not everyone has been in a 747.\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?\r\nA. Butter is difficult to spread.\r\n\r\nQ. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?\r\nA. Pull the pin and throw it back.\r\n\r\nQ. What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?\r\nA. Artificial intelligence.\r\n\r\nQ. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?\r\nA. A brunette with bad breath.\r\n\r\nQ. What do blondes and cow poop have in common?\r\nA. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.\r\n\r\nQ. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?\r\nA. She opens the car door.\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?\r\nA. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!\r\n\r\nQ. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are?\r\nA. Play ball!\r\n\r\nQ. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?\r\nA. You always hear about them but never see them. \r\n\r\nQ. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?\r\nA. Cause it said concentrate.\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?\r\nA. They know how many went down on the Titanic.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10192,
"title": "Lots of Jokes (2)"
},
{
"body": "Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?\r\nA. The joystick is wet.\r\n\r\nQ. Why do blondes wear underwear?\r\nA. To keep their ankles warm.\r\n\r\nQ. What is a brunette between two blondes?\r\nA. An interpreter.\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?\r\nA. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.\r\n\r\nQ. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?\r\nA. She sold her car for it..\r\n\r\nQ. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?\r\nA. \"Are you sure it's mine?\"\r\n\r\nQ. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?\r\nA. Because they have blond boyfriends.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10193,
"title": "Lots of Jokes (3)"
},
{
"body": "Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?\r\nA. Their both empty from the neck up.\r\n\r\nQ. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?\r\nA. A blow job with handlebars.\r\n\r\nQ. What do you call a blond with a brain?\r\nA. A golden retriever.\r\n\r\nQ. What do you call a blonde in the closet?\r\nA. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.\r\n\r\nQ. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?\r\nA. It has a stamp on it.\r\n\r\nQ. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?\r\nA. A wine and cheese party!\r\n\r\nQ. How do you drown a blonde?\r\nA. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.\r\n\r\nQ. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?\r\nA. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.\r\n\r\nQ. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?\r\nA. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10194,
"title": "Lots of Jokes (4)"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mamma so stupid, she wanted to go on a roller coaster and looked at the height, and she was too tall.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10197,
"title": "You Must Be This Tall"
},
{
"body": "A kid is holding a conversation with a talking dog.\r\n\r\n\"Why do you poop in people's yards?\" asks the little kid.\r\n\r\n\"We've learned to sit and we've learned to stay,\" said the dog. \"We've learned to lay down, roll over, and play dead. People taught us the 'No' command, the 'Heel' command, and even the 'Shake Paws' command. But nobody ever thought to teach us the 'GET THE F*** OUT OF MY YAAAARD!!!!' command!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10198,
"title": "Dogs' Habits"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock\r\nGO AWAY!!! WE DON'T WANT ANY!!!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 10199,
"title": "Warm Welcome"
},
{
"body": "Don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a really pretty monkey.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10200,
"title": "Don't Feel Bad..."
},
{
"body": "Why was everyone at the fancy King Crab Night Diner arrested?\r\n\r\nThey were breaking the claw! So punny!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10201,
"title": "The Claw!"
},
{
"body": "What's the quickest way to a woman's heart?\r\n\r\nThrough her left breast.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10202,
"title": "Breast"
},
{
"body": "After receiving, for what must be the hundredth time, the canonical light bulb joke list, I came up with this: \r\n\r\nQ: How many senior Presidential Aides does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\n\r\nA: None. They're supposed to keep the President in the dark.\r\n\r\n\r\nA' : One: to award a billion dollar sole-source contract with Halliburton to replace it.\r\n\r\n\r\nA'': thirty-eight: One to say that no one could have foreseen the bulb's burning out, one to spin stories for newspapers that the President's bulb-changing program is working well, and thirty-five to go out on talk shows to accuse the Democrats of being weak on light, and one to deny rumors that it's still dark in there.\r\n\r\n\r\nA''': sixty: thirty to bribe staffers to write letters telling everyone how wonderful it is to sit in the dark, and thirty more to bribe newspaper editors to publish those letters.\r\n\r\n\r\nA'''': The Administration will defend its policy of warrant-less surveillance of all Americans suspected of supporting foreign terrorist bulbs entering this country.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 10203,
"title": "The Light Bulb Joke"
},
{
"body": "What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?\r\n\r\nA chair, a bed, and a toothbrush!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10205,
"title": "Sit Sleep and Brush"
},
{
"body": "One day, two women and a man die. When they go to heaven, St. Peter tells them they could do whatever they want as long as they didn't step on a pink cloud. \r\n\r\nOne day, one of the three people were seen walking with two ugly men. \"I tripped and fell on a pink cloud,\" she explained, \"then **POOF** here he was.\" \r\n\r\nThe next day, the other woman was seen walking with an even uglier guy! She said, \"I was pushed onto a pink cloud. Then **POOF** here was this gross guy.\" \r\n\r\nA few days later, the two women, and their ugly men, saw the guy that had died walking with a gorgeous woman. They asked him what happened. He said, \"Oh, she stepped on a pink cloud.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 10206,
"title": "Pink Cloud"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's a Polar Bear's favorite cereal?\r\nA: Ice Krispies",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10212,
"title": "Polar Bear"
},
{
"body": "Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10224,
"title": "Pick Up Lines"
},
{
"body": "So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if: \r\n \r\n1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. \r\n\r\n2. You make over $400,000 and still can't afford a house. \r\n \r\n3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. \r\n \r\n4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. \r\n \r\n5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal? \r\n \r\n6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. \r\n \r\n7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. \r\n \r\n8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal? \r\n \r\n9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. \r\n \r\n10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. \r\n \r\n11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.\r\n \r\n12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. \r\n \r\n13. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal? \r\n \r\n14 It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: \"STORM WATCH.\" \r\n \r\n15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers. \r\n \r\n16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. \r\n \r\n17. HEY! Is pot illegal? \r\n \r\n18. Both you AND your dog have therapists. \r\n \r\n19. The Terminator is your governor. \r\n \r\n20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 10226,
"title": "You Know You are From California If..."
},
{
"body": "What do a circus and congress have in common?\r\n\r\nThey are both full of CLOWNS",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 10227,
"title": "The Circus of Congress"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so scary, she scares Michael Jackson!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10228,
"title": "MA VS MJ"
},
{
"body": "What's the best way to talk to a shark?\r\n\r\nLong distance!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10234,
"title": "Shark"
},
{
"body": "Word processors never display a cursor. \r\n\r\nYou never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. \r\n\r\nAll monitors display inch-high letters. \r\n\r\nHigh-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. \r\n\r\nCorollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing \"ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES\" on any keyboard. \r\n\r\nLikewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing \"UPLOAD VIRUS\" (see \"Fortress\"). \r\n\r\nAll computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. \r\n\r\nPowerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. \r\n\r\nAll computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards. \r\n\r\nPeople typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. \r\n\r\nA hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. \r\n\r\nAny PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see \"Demolition Man\" and countless others). \r\n\r\nComplex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second. \r\n\r\nWhen the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building. \r\n\r\nIf a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it. \r\n\r\nNo matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled. \r\n\r\nMost computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability. \r\n\r\nLaptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer. \r\n\r\nWhenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see \"Alien\", \"2001\").",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10235,
"title": "What Movies Tell Us About Computers"
},
{
"body": "NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. \r\n\r\nEATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. \r\n\r\nBATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. \r\n\r\nGROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. \r\n\r\nSHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. \r\n\r\nCATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. \r\n\r\nDRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. \r\n\r\nLAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of \"Love, American Style.\" \r\n\r\nOFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10236,
"title": "Differences Between Men and Women"
},
{
"body": "Bill was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.\r\nAt the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot. Carl replied, \"That's silver and it costs $100! \"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!\" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bill had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.\r\nFrom the back room Carl yelled, \"Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?\"\r\nMary replied, \"No, but I will for the teapot.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10237,
"title": "It All Hinges On,,,,"
},
{
"body": "A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.\r\nThe first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.\r\nThe second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.\r\nThe third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.\r\nThe man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10238,
"title": "Eenie Meenie Minie Moe,,,,"
},
{
"body": "One day, a depressed crocodile decides to see his doctor about his problems. He says, \"Doc, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I don't feel like killing people anymore. I don't like attacking them, I don't like wrestling them in the water, and I definitely don't like eating them.\" The doctor goes over to his medicine cabinet, and pulls out several tiny blue pills. In amazement, the crocodile asks his doctor, \"Doc, are those what I think they are?\" The doctor replies, \"Yes, I'm prescribing you some Viagra.\" Frustrated, the crocodile tells his doctor, \"I'm not sure you understand -- have you been listening to a word I've said?\" The doctor replies, \"Of course I've been listening, you said you had a reptile dysfunction!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10239,
"title": "Depressed Crocodile"
},
{
"body": "A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.\r\n\r\nFinally the wife asks, \"Do you know her?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" sighs the husband, \"She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.\"\r\n\r\n\"My God!\" says the wife, \"Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10240,
"title": "Ex-Wife"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so nasty she's got to pour sand down her pants to keep the crabs happy!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10241,
"title": "Your Mom Has Crabs!!!"
},
{
"body": "What did Dick Cheney say before he shot his hunting companion?\r\n\r\nReady, Fire, Aim!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 10245,
"title": "Oops!"
},
{
"body": "What do you call an intelligent, good looking man?\r\n\r\n\r\nA: A rumor!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10246,
"title": "What Do You...."
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?\r\n\r\nA: Trustworthy",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10247,
"title": "What Do You Call....."
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock?\r\n\r\nWho's There?\r\n\r\nIce Cream.\r\n\r\nIce Cream who?\r\n\r\nI scream for Ice Cream!!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 10258,
"title": "Ice Cream"
},
{
"body": "Q: Where do spiders go to learn new words?\r\n\r\nA: WEB-sters dictionary!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10259,
"title": "Spiders"
},
{
"body": "Why did the poor dog chase his tail?\r\n\r\nHe was trying to make ends meet!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10260,
"title": "Poor Dog"
},
{
"body": "Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for?\r\n\r\nWell, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives...",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10261,
"title": "Just Posing a Question..."
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's like a cell phone: Free on nights and weekends!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10263,
"title": "Verizon Hired-less"
},
{
"body": "yo mamma is like a shot gun:\r\n\r\nOne cock and shes ready to blow!!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10268,
"title": "Shot Gun"
},
{
"body": "George Bush to friend: Sorry I forgot your birthday. Dick Cheney forgot to put it on my to-do list.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 10270,
"title": "Bush"
},
{
"body": "Boys are like public toilets; they're either taken, or full of crap.\r\n\r\n(no offense to you boys)",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10271,
"title": "Public Toilets"
},
{
"body": "Two good ole boys down in Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer...After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, \"If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?\"\r\nThe 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, \"Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10283,
"title": "Hypothetical Question"
},
{
"body": "A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.\r\n\r\nAnyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.\r\n\r\nHow come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?\r\n\r\nBusiness conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.\r\n\r\nWhy is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?\r\n\r\nScratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.\r\n\r\nNo one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.\r\n\r\nThere are no new sins...the old ones just get more publicity.\r\n\r\nThere are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am. It could be a right number.\r\n\r\nThink about this...No one ever says \"It's only a game\" when their team is winning.\r\n\r\nHow come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?\r\n\r\nMoney will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.\r\n\r\nLearn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.\r\n\r\nOne of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so hard the boss will think he's after his job.\r\n\r\nA backyard barbecue draws two things...flies and relatives.\r\n\r\nThe nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.\r\n\r\nIf you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.\r\n\r\nSeat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.\r\n\r\nYou know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.\r\n\r\nI've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10285,
"title": "Why They Should Shut Up... And More!"
},
{
"body": "1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.\r\n\r\n2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.\r\n\r\n3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.\r\n\r\n4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.\r\n\r\n5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.\r\n\r\n6. We childproofed our homes but they are still getting in.\r\n\r\nADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.\r\n\r\nAND FINALLY:\r\n\r\nIF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:\r\n\r\n\"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN\" AND \"KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN\"!!!!!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10287,
"title": "Children"
},
{
"body": "\"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY.\" -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher\r\n\r\n\"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND.\" -US Marine Corps\r\n\r\n\"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND.\" \r\n-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop.\r\n\r\n\"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU.\" -Infantry Journal\r\n\r\n\"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT.\" -Army's magazine of preventative maintenance\r\n\r\n\"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED.\" -US. Air Force manual\r\n\r\n\"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO.\" \r\n-Infantry Journal\r\n\r\n\"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS.\" -U.S. Army Ordnance\r\n\r\n\"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS ! \"-Infantry Journal \r\n\r\n\"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID.\" \r\n-David Hackworth\r\n\r\n\"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AMBUSH.\" \r\n-Infantry Journal\r\n\r\n\"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION.\" -Joe Gay\r\n\r\n\"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER. . .ONCE.\" -Anon \r\n\r\n\"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO.\" \r\n-Unknown Marine Recruit\r\n\r\n\"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU.\" -Infantry Journal\r\n\r\n\"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM.\" \r\n-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10289,
"title": "US Military Quotes"
},
{
"body": "IDIOTS IN SERVICE\r\nThis week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, \"Would you like us to call you before we come?\" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).\r\n\r\nIDIOTS AT WORK\r\nI was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck\r\nwould have it, they matched.\r\n\r\nIDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:\r\nI live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.\r\n\r\nIDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:\r\nMy daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for \"minimal lettuce.\" He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.\r\n\r\nIDIOT SIGHTING #1:\r\nI was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, \"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?\" To which I replied, \"If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?\" He smiled knowingly and nodded, \"That's why we ask.\"\r\n\r\nIDIOT SIGHTING #2:\r\nThe stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, \"What on earth are blind people doing driving?!\"\r\n\r\nIDIOT SIGHTING #3:\r\nAt a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to \"downsizing,\" our manager commented cheerfully, \"This is fun.\" We should do this more often.\" Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.\r\n\r\nIDIOT SIGHTING #4:\r\nI work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system I would not turn on.\r\n\r\nIDIOT SIGHTING #5:\r\nWhen my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. \"Hey,\" I announced to the technician, \"It's open!\" To which he replied, \"I know - I already got that side.\"\r\nNOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10291,
"title": "Idiots"
},
{
"body": "A man's wife was in labor with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly the man's wife began to shout, \"Shouldn't, couldn't wouldn't, didn't, can't!!\"\r\n The man said,\"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?!\"\r\n The doctor replied, \"Nothing. She's just having contractions.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10303,
"title": "Playing With Our Words"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why isn't there a pro football team in Flint, Michigan?\r\n\r\nA: Because then Detroit would want one too!",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 10307,
"title": "FLINT MICHIGAN?"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so stupid and so fat that when she stepped on the scale and saw three 7s, she thought she won the jackpot.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10309,
"title": "Vegas"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so dumb when she got locked in the matress king she slept on the floor",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10313,
"title": "Dumb"
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a red head and a brunette are all skateboarding and bragging about their best tricks.\r\nThe brunette says, \"I can do a double impossible and a misty.\" The red head says, \"Thats nothing. I can do a 1080 flip off a quarter pipe, then do a double double and land it without falling\". Then the blonde says, \"I dont know what the big deal is with all of you guys, I can do all those with no hands!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 10314,
"title": "Skateboard"
},
{
"body": "your daddies so old, i slapped his butt and his balls fell off",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10315,
"title": "Yo Daddy"
},
{
"body": "SAY IT REALLY FAST \r\nSAY*PINK CHEESE GREEN GHOST* \r\nFAST IF UR A TRUE LATINO YOULL GET WAT THIS MEANS",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10316,
"title": "Latino Joke Against White People"
},
{
"body": "why are black people so good at basket ball?\r\nbecause they can Run, shoot and steal.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10319,
"title": "Basket Ball"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so fat she uses a rocket ship as a dildo.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10320,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "You might be redneck if you've totaled every car you've owned.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10345,
"title": "#1 Redneck"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you answer to more than one nickname.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10346,
"title": "#2 Redneck"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you have orange road cones in your living room!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10347,
"title": "#3 Redneck"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if your toenail clippers say craftsman on the side!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10348,
"title": "#4 Redneck"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you've never stayed in a hotel without stealing something",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10351,
"title": "#6 Redneck"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you've ever videotaped a dog loving on someone's leg.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10352,
"title": "#7 Redneck"
},
{
"body": "You take me out way too much!!! \r\nDo you think this dress makes me look too slim? \r\nYou looked stressed out, let me give you a massage. \r\n\r\n \r\nGo out with your friends tonight, you deserve it. \r\nThat Pamala Anderson has a lovely body. \r\nNo, no you buy me too much already. \r\n\r\n \r\nA fake diamond will do. \r\nMy mother is a real old wench. \r\nWhat headache?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10356,
"title": "Things Women Seldom Say"
},
{
"body": "We have found the perfect mate for\r\nall of you ladies out there. \r\n\r\nThis mate... \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nwill always stop watching t.v. and cuddle\r\nwith you without expecting something in return. \r\n\r\nIs always happy to hear about\r\nyour day when you get home. \r\n\r\nNever complains about your cooking, or lack of. \r\n\r\nNever gets mad when you roll over in\r\nbed and say you're too tired. \r\n\r\nNever yells back at you when you are \r\nhaving a mood swing due to pms. \r\n\r\nFinally ladies here is your perfect mate....\r\n A PUPPY!!!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10359,
"title": "The Perfect Mate"
},
{
"body": "It can buy a bed - but not sleep \r\n\r\nIt can buy a clock - but not time \r\n\r\nIt can buy you a book - but not knowledge \r\n\r\nIt can buy you a position - but not respect \r\n\r\nIt can buy you medicine - but not health \r\n\r\nIt can buy you blood - but not life\r\n\r\n\r\nSo you see, money isn't everything, and it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering....... \r\n\r\nSo send me all your money and I will suffer for you!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10362,
"title": "Money Can't Buy You Everything"
},
{
"body": "1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear. \r\n\r\n2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim. \r\n\r\n3. If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts. \r\n\r\n4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie. \r\n\r\n5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime. \r\n\r\n6. Please don't drive when you're not driving. \r\n\r\n7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed. \r\n\r\n8. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts. \r\n\r\n9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of \"who's easy\"? \r\n\r\n10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay. We don't care. \r\n\r\n11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too. \r\n\r\n12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance. In fact, please do !!! \r\n\r\n13. When you're out with us, please wear \"our\" favorite outfit rather than \"yours\". The torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way. \r\n\r\n14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt. \r\n\r\n15. Don't insist that we \"get off the stupid phone\" and then not talk to us. \r\n\r\n16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level. \r\n\r\n17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily \"women's work\"; besides, most of the \"dirt\" and clutter is yours anyway. \r\n\r\n18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men. Why is it then you never want to cook? \r\n\r\n19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you. \r\n\r\n20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling. However, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss. \r\n\r\n\r\nGive your friends this valuable advice, and make them smile too!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10363,
"title": "Advice From Women To Men"
},
{
"body": "Why did the squirrel cross the road?\r\n\r\nBecause it was NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10366,
"title": "Why Did the Squirrel Cross the Road"
},
{
"body": "Once there were three teenagers, two boys and one girl. The teenagers wanted to stay in a hotel, so they drove to the nearest one. The hotel owner said, \"We only have one more free room, but it is the haunted one.\" The teenagers didn't care, so they said they'd take it anyway. \"It's on the 4th floor.\" the owner said. Once the teenagers had gotten to the 4th floor, they heard a sound coming from inside of the room. The oldest boy said he'd go in first to see what the sound was. He went inside and heard a high-pitched voice saying, \"When the log rolls over, we'll all be dead!\" The teenager ran through the window screaming and died. Then the second oldest boy went into the room and heard, \"When the log rolls over, we'll all be dead!\" He too ran out the window screaming and died. Then it was the girls turn. Even though she was the youngest of the three teenagers, she was the bravest. She too heard, \"When the log rolls over, we'll all be dead!\" But she wasn't afraid. She listened closer and heard it coming from the bathroom and saw 5 ants on a piece of poop.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 10367,
"title": "The Haunted Hotel Room"
},
{
"body": "Once there was a girl named Maria having her 13th birthday. She had three of her closest friends over. Their names were Jessica, Sarah and Amy. Amy told Maria that she heard weird sounds coming from the closet and she thought there was a ghost in it, but Maria didn't believe her. Next, Sarah told Maria the same, but Maria still didn't believe them. Then Jessica told Maria the same thing too. This time, Maria said \"Chill guys! I'll even go to closet and prove that it is safe!\" Maria did as she had said and her three friends followed her. Maria turned out to be wrong. \r\nThere was a strange noise coming from the closet. She listened closely and heard a mysterious voice saying \"I've gotcha where I want ya, and now I'm gonna eat ya!\" \r\nMaria got freaked out and said \"I don't believe it! I'm just gonna check one more time.\" \r\nAgain she heard \"I've gotcha where I want ya, and now I'm gonna eat ya!\" But this time she opened the closet so that she could finally relax at her 13th birthday party. In the closet she found a monkey picking his nose with a giant booger on his finger saying \"I've gotcha where I want ya, and now I'm gonna eat ya!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 10368,
"title": "The Haunted Closet"
},
{
"body": "There Is an old lady who lives in a 14 story hotel. She lives on the 14th floor. Every morning, she goes down into the lobby, gets cereal and goes on a walk. On mornings when it is raining, she uses the elevator all of the way up to get to her room after she goes on her walk. On mornings when it is not raining after she's eaten, she only goes to floor 7 and then uses the stairs to walk the rest of the way up.\r\n \r\nWhy?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause she is a midget. On mornings when it is raining, she has her umbrella to go on the walk so she can use the umbrella to touch the top button in the elevator. When it isnt raining, she doesn't have her umbrella and she can only reach the button for floor 7.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10370,
"title": "Midget"
},
{
"body": "There was a blind guy, walking down the street. He passes a fish market, smells the fish and says,\" Good morning ladies.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 10372,
"title": "Fish Market"
},
{
"body": "What amimal walks with its feet on its head?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\na flea.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10373,
"title": "What Amimal"
},
{
"body": "Why did the rooster cross the road?\r\n\r\n\r\nTo fuck the chicken.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10374,
"title": "Rooster"
},
{
"body": "Why did the elephant cross the road?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause the chiken retired.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10375,
"title": "Elephant"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so stupid, she sat on the tv and watched the couch.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10377,
"title": "Couch"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks in to the Barbershop. Barber says, \"What will it be today?\" Guy says, \"Well, I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up.\" Barber says, \"Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that?\"\r\n\r\nGuy says, \"That's how you cut it last time.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10378,
"title": "Barbershop"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat she was runing in the street with a yellow raincoat and the kids thougth they mised the bus.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10380,
"title": "School Bus"
},
{
"body": "Why does Tigger smell so bad?\r\n\r\nCause he's always hanging out with Pooh.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10382,
"title": "Tigger"
},
{
"body": "Once there was a guy who didn't know which train station would take him to L.A. So, he asked a guy nearby,\"What train takes me to L.A? The left, or right train?\" The answer was, \"If you go to the right one, you'll be left and if you go to the left one, you'll be right.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10386,
"title": "Train Guy"
},
{
"body": "My brother-in-law was a gay minister, so when his sister wanted a small, casual wedding, she asked him to officiate. He had never performed a marriage ceremony before, so he decided to ask his pastor for advice.\r\n\r\n\"My sister has asked me to marry her,\" he began, \"and I'm not sure what I should do.\"\r\n\r\nThe minister answered, \"Try telling her you just want to be friends.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 10387,
"title": "Brother, Will You Marry Me?"
},
{
"body": "Once i bought a squirrel and I named it Melinda, and then I gave it food and then it died! Now I have a box named Joice Ann and I gave it some water and it fell down and then it died!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10388,
"title": "Aminal"
},
{
"body": "Why does a man wear two pairs of pants when he goes golfing?\r\n\r\n\r\nHe might get a hole in one!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10389,
"title": "Golfing"
},
{
"body": "Why do people say \"This is the first day of the rest of your life\"? Isn't that true about everyday unless you die that day?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10390,
"title": "The Future"
},
{
"body": "Boys are like diapers....\r\n\r\nAlways on my ass and full of shit.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10391,
"title": "Diapers"
},
{
"body": "what do you get when you cross a LAWYER and a LIBRARIAN?\r\n\r\n\r\nAll the information you want, but you can't understand it!",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 10392,
"title": "What Do You Get..."
},
{
"body": "A lady one day decides to place an ad for a good relationship in bed. she said muct not have hands to beat her, must not have feet to walk on her and must be good in bed. one day, the doorbell rang and she answered it. a man with no legs, or hands is there and says \" Are u from the ad\" she says yeah. she says then \" You have no hands so u cant beat me, you have no feet so you wont walk over me, but tell me this... are u good in bed\"? he replies \"How do u think i rang the doorbell\"?",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 10394,
"title": "Good in Bed"
},
{
"body": "Once I like bought a fox and I like named him Jorge and like he died and I cried so I bought shoes.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10395,
"title": "Foxxxy"
},
{
"body": "Once I went to visit my cousin in Jersey and I was looking for his house and when I found his house I rang the doorbell and like I said, \"Hey cuz\" and he answered I'm not your cousin. Then I said, \"Yes I am, and then he closes the door on me. So I like call my mom, right? Then I like say, \"Mom, my cousin says he's not my cousin.\" Then my mom says, \"You don't have a cousin in Jersey.\" And I'm like, \"Oh cool\", and then I got a fox.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10396,
"title": "Apple"
},
{
"body": "A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde with a green stripe in her hair, walked into a barbor shop. The barbor asks where the brunette got the haircolor. She replies \"Natural.\" He asks the red-head the same. She says, \"Natural.\" Then he asks the blonde the same question, and she rubs the back of her hand over her nose, and on the green stripe, and says \"Natural.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10397,
"title": "Natural"
},
{
"body": "Blond College Exam\r\n HINT: this is an exam\r\n\r\n1.Spell yes\r\n2.spell no\r\n3. what is 0-0 ANSWER:0\r\n4. answer yes to this question\r\n5. are you human\r\n6. what did you answer #4 HINT: #=number\r\n7. what number is this\r\n8. is this an exam a):yes b);yes\r\n9. spell your name\r\n10. leave this one blank\r\n11. write an aswser\r\n12. check your email \r\n13. repeat\r\n14.eat.\r\n15. turn in paper\r\nREQUIREMENTS:Do #15 all others might be wrong\r\nIF YOU MET THE REQUIREMENTS, YOU NOW HAVE A SCHOLARSHIP TO HARVORD FOR (4) BLONDS\r\n\r\n\r\n ANSWERS\r\n1. yes\r\n2. no\r\n3. 0\r\n4. yes\r\n5. yes\r\n6. yes \r\n7. 7\r\n8. circle\r\n9. sexy\r\n10.\r\n11. 9\r\n12 he likes me\r\n13. he doesn't\r\n14. eggs\r\n15.\r\n15.\r\n15.HEY BLONDY GO DIE\r\n\r\n\r\nNOTE: noone has ever passed test",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10401,
"title": "Blond Exam"
},
{
"body": "A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. \r\n\r\nCurious, the seaman asks \"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?\" \r\n\r\nThe pirate replies \"I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off\". \r\n\r\n\"Wow!\" said the seaman. \"What about the hook\"? \r\n\r\n\"Well...\", replied the pirate, \"We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemies cut my hand clean off.\" \r\n\r\n\"Incredible!\" remarked the seaman. \"How did you get the eye patch\"? \r\n\r\n\"A seagull dropping fell into my eye,\" replied the pirate. \r\n\r\n\"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?\" the sailor asked. \r\n\r\n\"Well...\" said the pirate, \"That was my first day with the hook.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10402,
"title": "The Old Man and the Sea"
},
{
"body": "Three friends a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said \"Eve was created from Adam's rib, a surgical procedure.\" The engineer replied: \"Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job.\" The politician said, \"Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 10405,
"title": "Three Friends"
},
{
"body": "Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read \"20.\" He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.\r\nSomewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.\r\nAs the policeman turned to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor ...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, \"What's wrong with them?\"\r\nThe driver replied, \"We just turned off Highway 105.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 10407,
"title": "Teachers"
},
{
"body": "Once there was a guy who lived in a blue, one story house. EVERYTHING in the house was blue. The refridgerator, all of the food, the tables, the chairs, the clothes of the man, the TV, the camera, the dishwasher, the washing machine, and even the man himself. What color were the stairs?\r\n\r\n\r\nSuspected Answer:\r\n\r\nBlue\r\n\r\n\r\nReal Answer:\r\n\r\nThere were no stairs!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10411,
"title": "Blue House"
},
{
"body": "when your mom whent to China people would say \"Run it's Godzilla!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10412,
"title": "Godzila"
},
{
"body": "yo momma is so fat when she hugs people they get lost!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10413,
"title": "Lost"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you say when you see a group full of black people?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA: Where is the cream filling?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10414,
"title": "Cream Filling"
},
{
"body": "Why do alot of people go to black peoples yard sales?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA:To get there stuff back.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10415,
"title": "Yard Sales"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so stupid she got locked up in the bathroom and she peed in her pants!!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10417,
"title": "Bathroom"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so fat, when she went in a hot air balloon there was a solar eclipse!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10419,
"title": "Yo Momma's So Fat..."
},
{
"body": "Ed and Ted went to the fair, where they came across a small crowd gathered around a stall. They decided to go over and take a look.\r\n\r\n \"What's going on?\" Ed asked a person in the crowd.\r\n\r\n \"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine,\" he said, nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. \"Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet, and there's a prize of $100 for anybody who can.\"\r\n\r\n\"I can do that,\" Ed said confidently.\r\n\r\n \"You can't,\" said Ted. \"You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that thing.\"\r\n\r\n \"Watch this,\" said Ed and he climbed aboard the bronco machine. The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd. He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. \r\n\r\n\"Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that?\" Ted asked.\r\n\r\n\"Remember three months ago, when your wife had whooping cough...?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10420,
"title": "Ride 'em Cowboy!"
},
{
"body": "You know you're a redneck if your fence doubles as your clothesline",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10424,
"title": "#9 Redneck"
},
{
"body": "You know you're a redneck if you have season tickets for the tractor pull.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10425,
"title": "#10 Redneck"
},
{
"body": "You know you're a redneck if you would rather your son have his own hunting show than become a doctor.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10426,
"title": "#11 Redneck"
},
{
"body": "You know you're a redneck if a city night on the town includes city jail.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10427,
"title": "#12 Redneck"
},
{
"body": "You know you're a redneck if your bathroom towels are also your bathroom curtains.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10428,
"title": "#13 Redneck"
},
{
"body": "You may be a redneck if your burglar alarm is a vacuum cleaner plugged into a motion detector.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10429,
"title": "#14 Redneck"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you've ever watched a tornado from a lawn chair.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10430,
"title": "#15 Redneck"
},
{
"body": "You know you're a redneck if you paint your garage with a paintball gun.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10431,
"title": "#16 Redneck"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you've ever been fired for shooting spitballs.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10432,
"title": "#17 Redneck"
},
{
"body": "Scientists gathered three musicians together and asked them to name the greatest invention of the 20th century. The guitarist said the \"wah-wah pedal\" was the greatest invention.\r\n\r\nAfter that, they asked the drummer and he said the \"bass pedal\" was the greatest invention.\r\n\r\nThen finally, when asking the bass player, he said the \"Stanley thermos\" was the greatest invention.\r\n\r\nConfused, they asked him how he figured that, and he said:\r\n\r\n\"Hot or cold how does it know, HOW DOES IT KNOW!?!?!?!\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 10433,
"title": "Greatest Invention"
},
{
"body": "At last. A bumper sticker for both parties. FINALLY, \r\nSomeone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. This hot selling bumper sticker comes from the great state of New York!\r\n\r\n\r\n\"RUN HILLARY RUN\"\r\n\r\n\r\nDemocrats put it on the rear bumper.\r\nRepublicans put it on the front bumper.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 10435,
"title": "Bumper Sticker"
},
{
"body": "(Answers given by elementary school age children \r\n\r\nto the following questions.) \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nWhy did God make mothers?\r\n\r\n1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.\r\n\r\n2. Mostly to clean the house.\r\n\r\n3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nHow did God make mothers?\r\n\r\n1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.\r\n\r\n2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.\r\n\r\n3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.\r\n \r\n\r\nWhat ingredients are mothers made of?\r\n\r\n1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.\r\n\r\n2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nWhy did God give you your mother and not some other mom?\r\n\r\n1. We're related.\r\n\r\n2 . God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.\r\n \r\n\r\nWhat kind of little girl was your mom? \r\n\r\n1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.\r\n\r\n2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.\r\n\r\n3. They say she used to be nice.\r\n \r\n\r\nWhat did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?\r\n\r\n1. His last name.\r\n\r\n2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?\r\n\r\n3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?\r\n \r\n\r\nWhy did your mom marry your dad?\r\n \r\n1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.\r\n\r\n2. She got too old to do anything else with him.\r\n\r\n3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.\r\n \r\n\r\nWho's the boss at your house?\r\n\r\n1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.\r\n\r\n2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. \r\n\r\n3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.\r\n \r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between moms and dads?\r\n\r\n1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.\r\n\r\n2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.\r\n\r\n3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power, because that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.\r\n\r\n4. Moms have magic. They make you feel better without medicine.\r\n \r\n\r\nWhat does your mom do in her spare time?\r\n\r\n1. Mothers don't do spare time.\r\n\r\n2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.\r\n \r\n\r\nWhat would it take to make your mom perfect?\r\n\r\n1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.\r\n\r\n2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.\r\n \r\n\r\nIf you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?\r\n\r\n1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.\r\n\r\n2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.\r\n\r\n3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10436,
"title": "Children"
},
{
"body": "Test for Dementia\r\n\r\n\r\n\"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.\"\r\n\r\nExercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert The saying; \"If you don't use it, you will lose it\" also applies to the brain, so.. Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.\r\n\r\n So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still \"with it,\" The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.\r\n\r\n\r\n OK, relax, clear your mind and ... begin.\r\n \r\nWELL MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!\r\n\r\n\r\n 1. What do you put in a toaster?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Answer: \"bread.\" If you said \"toast,\" then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, \"bread,\" go to Question 2.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 2. Say \"silk\" five times. Now spell \"silk.\" What do cows drink?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Answer: Cows drink water. If you said \"milk,\" please do not\r\nattempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said \"water\" then proceed to question 3.\r\n! \r\n\r\n\r\n3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said \"green\r\nbricks,\" what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?????\r\n\r\nIf you said \"glass,\" then go on to Question 4.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over\r\n Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically\r\ndivided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of \"no man's land\" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in \"no man's land\"?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n! \r\n \r\nAnswer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. \r\n \r\nIf you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, \"Don't bury the survivors\", then proceed to the next question.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n \r\nAnswer: Oh, for crying out loud! \r\n \r\nDon't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10437,
"title": "Riddles"
},
{
"body": "A teacher of a fifth grade class gave her students an assignment. The assignment was to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.\r\n\r\nThe next day, the kids came back and each had a turn to tell their stories.\r\n\r\n\"Peter, do you have a story to share?\" she asks one child.\r\n\r\n\"Yes, ma'm; my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a swiss army knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun, but ran out of bullets. Then she killed four more with the knife, but the blade broke. Then she killed the final soldier with her bare hands.\"\r\n\r\n\"Good heavens!\" said the horrified teacher, \"What kind of moral did your father teach you from that awful story?\"\r\n\r\n\"Don't mess with Aunt Carol when she's been drinking.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10439,
"title": "Aunt Carol"
},
{
"body": "1) Verbs has to agree with their subjects.\r\n2) Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.\r\n3) And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.\r\n4) It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.\r\n5) Avoid cliches like the plague.\r\n6) Always avoid annoying alliteration.\r\n7) Be more or less specific.\r\n8) Parenthetical remarks (however relevent) are (usually) unnecessary.\r\n9) Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.\r\n10) No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad, too.\r\n11) Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used. \r\n12) Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.\r\n13) Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary, it is highly superfluous. \r\n14) One should never generalize.\r\n15) Comparisons are as bad as cliches.\r\n16) Don't use no double negatives.\r\n17) Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.\r\n18) One-word sentences? Eliminate.\r\n19) Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. \r\n20) The passive voice is to be ignored.\r\n21) Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.\r\n22) Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.\r\n23) Kill all exclamation points!!!\r\n24) Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.\r\n25) Understatement is probably not the best way to propose Earth-shattering ideas.\r\n26) Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.\r\n27) As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, \"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.\"\r\n28) If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.\r\n29) Puns are for children, not groan readers.\r\n30) Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.\r\n31) Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.\r\n32) Who needs rhetorical questions?\r\n33) Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.\r\n34) Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10440,
"title": "Grammar Rules"
},
{
"body": "A blonde buys a thermos. Two days later, she's back in the shop and wants a refund. The sales person asks her why she's returning it. She replies, \"Well, when I bought it, you said it would keep hot things hot and cold things cold, but yesterday I took some coffee and ice-cream to work for after lunch, and all that came out was a luke-warm slush!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10442,
"title": "I Want a Refund!"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a black guy and a white guy having sex?\r\n\r\nmixed nuts.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 10444,
"title": "Nuts"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a nun's urine?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nVirgin Lemonade",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 10447,
"title": "Lemonade"
},
{
"body": "yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited for the manager all night, and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Dude, yo momma, not grandma, is so dumb, when she got locked in the telephone store she waited all night for the manager and when he came she says,\"Whew!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10448,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat, she makes the sun look like a pebble!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10449,
"title": "Sun"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so nasty, when she burped she started a nuclear war!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10450,
"title": "Burp"
},
{
"body": "How to Make Cookies: \r\n1. Make the batter with everything but the vanilla. \r\n2. Walk to your nearest appliance shop. \r\n3. Buy a telephone and walk home. \r\n4. Call a friend. \r\n5. Have her drive you to the airport. \r\n6. Buy a plane ticket to St. Louis MO, USA (home is where the heart is).\r\n7. Walk to a little shop and buy a little measuring cup.\r\n8. Walk back to the airport (I hope you have good shoes, it might be a long walk).\r\n9. Catch a plane home. \r\n10. Measure the vanilla. \r\nWAIT! You're a TSP. short... \r\n11. Call your friand back, have her drive you to the airport again...\r\n12. Buy vanilla.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10452,
"title": "Recipe"
},
{
"body": "How are opera singers and sailors alike?\r\n\r\nThey both have to handle the high seas(Cs)!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10454,
"title": "Opera Singers and Sailors"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris has more Myspace friends than Tom. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. \r\n\r\nCrop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. \r\n\r\nThe Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. \r\n\r\nContrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. \r\n\r\nMost people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. \r\n\r\nIf you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, \"Two seconds 'til.\" After you ask, \"Two seconds 'til what?\" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. \r\n\r\nThe quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. \r\n\r\nCNN was originally created as the \"Chuck Norris Network\" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. \r\n\r\nThere is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10455,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 1"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. \r\n\r\nWhat was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. \r\n\r\nPolice label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them. \r\n\r\nA Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. \r\n\r\nSomeone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre. \r\n\r\nIf you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris originally appeared in the \"Street Fighter II\" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this \"glitch,\" Norris replied, \"That's no glitch.\" \r\n\r\nFool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. \r\n\r\nThe opening scene of the movie \"Saving Private Ryan\" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, \"Bang!\" \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10456,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 2"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. \r\n\r\nSomeone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. \r\n\r\nContrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. \r\n\r\nTeenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nFaster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face. \r\n\r\nIn the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell \"What The Hell was That?\" \r\n\r\nTime waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths. \r\n\r\nThe Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn. \r\n\r\nIn an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. \r\n\r\nAccording to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American \"Trail of Tears\" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10457,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 3"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them. \r\n\r\nPluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. \r\n\r\nThere are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a \"Who has more testicles?\" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it. \r\n\r\nSome people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes. \r\n\r\nThere are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can't finish a \"color by numbers\" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red. \r\n\r\nA Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10458,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 4"
},
{
"body": "Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick) \r\n\r\nChuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women. \r\n\r\nHow much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear. \r\n\r\nIn honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be \r\n\r\nChuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. \r\n\r\nIf tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can divide by zero. \r\n\r\nThe grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. \r\n\r\nA picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words. \r\n\r\nNewton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill. \r\n\r\nWhen an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. \r\n\r\nWhile urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10459,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 5"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies. \r\n\r\nWhen Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part. \r\n\r\nWilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this \"a slow Tuesday.\" \r\n\r\nContrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nFor some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego. \r\n\r\nWhen taking the SAT, write \"Chuck Norris\" for every answer. You will score over 8000. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. \r\n\r\nWhen you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. \r\n\r\nOn his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. \r\n\r\nNobody dislikes Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10460,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 6"
},
{
"body": "In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said \"Get a job\". That is the story of the universe. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage. \r\n\r\nArcheologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined \"victim\" as \"one who has encountered Chuck Norris\" \r\n\r\nChuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building. \r\n\r\nIf you Google search \"Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked\" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds. \r\n\r\nLittle known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint. \r\n\r\nThe show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage. \r\n\r\nIt takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes. \r\n\r\nYou know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way. \r\n\r\nThe Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10461,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 7"
},
{
"body": "There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink. \r\n\r\nJames Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. \r\n\r\nThousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. \r\n\r\nIt takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly. \r\n\r\nSome people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain. \r\n\r\nSimply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10462,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 8"
},
{
"body": "A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face. \r\n\r\nThere is in fact an \"I\" in Norris, but there is no \"team\"... not even close. \r\n\r\nScotty in Star Trek often says \"Ye cannae change the laws of physics.\" This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists. \r\n\r\nAn anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks. \r\n\r\nUsing his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold. \r\n\r\nTom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because \"The Sum of All Fears\" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can slam a revolving door. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door. \r\n\r\nThe original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter. \r\n\r\nHellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10463,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 9"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the \"Circle of Life.\" \r\n\r\nIf, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you. \r\n\r\nThe crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say \"Die slowly\" and \"die quickly\". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian. \r\n\r\nScience Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium. \r\n\r\nThe Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition. \r\n\r\nSuperman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks. \r\n\r\nThe movie \"Delta Force\" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable. \r\n\r\nMovie trivia: The movie \"Invasion U.S.A.\" is, in fact, a documentary. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris does not \"style\" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror. \r\n\r\nThere is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up. \r\n\r\nA study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer \r\n\r\nIt's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10464,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 10"
},
{
"body": "A plane was flying from New York to Canada. The plane crashes right on the border line. Where do you burry the survivors?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThey don't because they are survivors, therefor they never died.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10465,
"title": "Plane Crash"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so fat, she filled up the tub before she put the water in it.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10466,
"title": "Bath Tub"
},
{
"body": "WARNING: Racial insult to a black person.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nWhy could a black person never get oral sex?\r\n\r\nBecause the black person would taste like horribly burned food.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10467,
"title": "Black Oral Sex"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day. \r\n\r\nAlong with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever. \r\n\r\nAnytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place. \r\n\r\nOnce you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back. \r\n\r\nNinjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is \"his\" way. \r\n\r\nThe last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children. \r\n\r\nAs a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking. \r\n\r\nWo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: \"Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris\" \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. \r\n\r\nSome kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg. \r\n\r\n'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10468,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 11"
},
{
"body": "When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle. \r\n\r\nAccording to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it. \r\n\r\nIn an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse. \r\n\r\nWhen J. Robert Oppenheimer said \"I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds\", he was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. \r\n\r\nIn a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat. \r\n\r\nIf at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nIf Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass. \r\n\r\nFear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in \"I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.\" \r\n\r\nChuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run. \r\n\r\nMacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it. \r\n\r\nBehind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10469,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 12"
},
{
"body": "What's known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be \"Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division\". \r\n\r\nChuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol. \r\n\r\nThe easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings. \r\n\r\nThere is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious. \r\n\r\nMost boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful. \r\n\r\nThe US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom. \r\n\r\nThe Bible was originally titled \"Chuck Norris and Friends\" \r\n\r\nChuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic. \r\n\r\nDo you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris says \"More cowbell\", he MEANS it. \r\n\r\nOn the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about. \r\n\r\nGoogle won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10470,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 13"
},
{
"body": "Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground. \r\n\r\nIt is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise. \r\n\r\nIt is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy. \r\n\r\nThat's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can judge a book by its cover. \r\n\r\nNothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls. \r\n\r\nQ: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark. \r\n\r\nAs President Roosevelt said: \"We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.\" \r\n\r\nChuck Norris just says \"no\" to drugs. If he said \"yes\", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure. \r\n\r\nSince 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. \r\n\r\nCrime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris invented the internet... just so he had a place to store his porn.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10471,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 14"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move. \r\n\r\nIt is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time. \r\n\r\nIndustrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. \r\n\r\n\"Brokeback Mountain\" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.\r\n\r\nWhen God said, \"Let there be light\", Chuck Norris said, \"Say 'please'.\" \r\n\r\nChuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body. \r\n\r\nOne day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris built a time machine and went back to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10472,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 15"
},
{
"body": "Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. \r\n\r\nWhen Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris kills anyone that asks, \"You want fries with that\" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes. \r\n\r\nSticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys. \r\n\r\nHuman cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris's version of a \"chocolate milkshake\" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel. \r\n\r\nIf Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas. \r\n\r\nIn a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people. \r\n\r\nEverybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nContrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds. \r\n\r\nThe original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10473,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 16"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris' sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten. \r\n\r\nMaslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill. \r\n\r\nThe truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy! \r\n\r\nFor most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls. \r\n\r\nKryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman. \r\n\r\nSaddam Hussein was not found hiding in a \"hole.\" Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq. \r\n\r\nCoroners refer to dead people as \"ABC's\". Already Been Chucked. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street; he just roundhouses any cars that get too close. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound. \r\n\r\nHow many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. \r\n\r\nThe phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10474,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 17"
},
{
"body": "If you rearrange the letters in \"Chuck Norris\", they also spell \"Crush Rock In\". The words \"with his fists\" are understood. \r\n\r\nNever look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off. \r\n\r\nGive a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy. \r\n\r\nThe original title for Star Wars was \"Skywalker: Texas Ranger\". Starring Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nGuantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for \"Chuck Norris' basement\". \r\n\r\nThe phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. \r\n\r\nOzzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers. \r\n\r\nHe who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick. \r\n\r\nThe best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch. \r\n\r\nThe phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career. \r\n\r\nStaring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can taste lies.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10475,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 18"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions. \r\n\r\nOne time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio. \r\n\r\nLittle Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier. \r\n\r\nIn 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization \"Kick Drugs Out of America\". If the organization's name were \"Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America\", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky. \r\n\r\nThey had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped. \r\n\r\n4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes. \r\n\r\nThe only sure things are Death and Taxes...and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors. \r\n\r\nWith the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit. \r\n\r\nThe square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10476,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 19"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy. \r\n\r\nTo be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight? \r\n\r\nThere are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear. \r\n\r\nIf you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this? \r\n\r\n70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick. \r\n\r\nJean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face. \r\n\r\nThe pie scene in \"American Pie\" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the \"pie\" was the molten crater of an active volcano. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper. \r\n\r\nNoah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver. \r\n\r\nMacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart. \r\n\r\nJack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10477,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 20"
},
{
"body": "On Halloween night a kid is standing on a bench with a fake beard, fake fangs, a tennis racket, a baseball cap, and a purple cape.\r\n\r\nA snobby man walks by and says, \"What are you supposed to be?\"\r\n\r\nThe kid says, \"Duh! I'm a kid standing on a bench wearing fake fangs, a fake beard, a baseball cap, a purple cape and holding a tennis racket! What did you think I was?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10478,
"title": "Halloween"
},
{
"body": "A little boy was in a bookstore with his dad. They were browsing for books when the little kid said,\"You know American Idol?\"\r\nHis dad said, \"Yeah.\"\r\nThe kid then said, \"If they win, they'll become poptarts!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10479,
"title": "Pop Stars"
},
{
"body": "It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you. \r\n\r\nI've been finding real passion with Barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, she's pregnant and Barbara said that we will be very happy. \r\n\r\nEven though you don't care for her as she is much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. \r\n\r\nBarbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. \r\n\r\nAnd I love her 1700cc Harley Davidson also. We make weekly trips to her parole office on it and it rides beautifully. Both of us look very cute when we go tearing down the freeway at 120 mph.. \r\n\r\nDon't worry mom, I'm 16 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. \r\n\r\nYour loving son, Bobby\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nP.S. \r\nMom, none of this is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card...that's in my desk centre drawer. \r\n\r\nCall when it's safe for me to come home.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10481,
"title": "Dear Mom,"
},
{
"body": "1 What do blondes and cow pies have in common?\r\n\r\nThe older they get, the easier they are to pick up. \r\n\r\n2 What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?\r\n\r\nShe peed on her corn flakes. \r\n\r\n3 What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?\r\n\r\nShe turned it over and used the other side. \r\n\r\n4 Did you hear about the stupid blonde?\r\n\r\nShe got hit by a parked car. \r\n\r\n5 Why can't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calculator?\r\n\r\nBecause she can't find the 10",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10483,
"title": "5 Jokes (17)"
},
{
"body": "Q: What device lets you see through a wall?\r\n\r\nA: Window",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10484,
"title": "Walls"
},
{
"body": "1) What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?\r\n\r\n\"Have another beer.\" \r\n\r\n2) What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?\r\n\r\nThe blonde works in the dark! \r\n\r\n3) How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?\r\n\r\nScroll down...\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nScroll up... \r\n\r\n4) So a blonde is walking down the street and she stops to ask a \r\nman the time, he says \"O, it's uhh...4:45.\" The blonde \r\nresponds, \"Man, I've been asking that question all day and I get \r\na different answer every time! \r\n\r\n5) Superman, Batman, and a smart blonde all died on the same day.Which one got to Heaven first?\r\n\r\nNone of them.They are all make-believe.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10485,
"title": "5 Jokes (18)"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you stare at the orange juice container because it says concentrate on it!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10486,
"title": "Orange Juice"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat, when she wore a blue rain coat people said, \"Let's go swim in the ocean!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10489,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you ride the electric floorbuffer and mistake it for your wife!!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10492,
"title": "Floorbuffer"
},
{
"body": "1. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?\r\nNo one else wants it. \r\n\r\n2. What's a brunette's mating call?\r\n\"Has the blonde left yet?\" \r\n\r\n3. What do you call a brunette who dies her hair blonde?\r\nArtifical Stupidity \r\n\r\n4. What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween?\r\nThey just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops. \r\n\r\n5. Why don't brunettes get breast implants?\r\nThey've already spent their money on thigh and butt implants.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10493,
"title": "5 Jokes (19) Revenge of the Blondes"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you wear a tube top to a funeral!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10494,
"title": "Tube Top"
},
{
"body": "You might think that some guys are hot.\r\n\r\n\r\nTheir boyfriends think that, too!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10495,
"title": "Hot Guys"
},
{
"body": "When the whole class had left the little boy said, \"Teacher, give me an A+ on my math test.\" The teacher then says \"No.\" Then the boy said, \"Give me an A, or I'll tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you will get fired. So the teacher finally agrees, and gives him an A on his test. Then the boy says, \"Teacher take off your shirt.\" The teacher says \"No!\" So the little boy says, \"Take off your shirt, or I'll tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll get fired. So the teacher takes off her shirt. Then the little boy says, \"Take off your pants.\" But again, the teacher says, \"No!\" So the little boy says, \"Take off your pants or I'll tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll get fired. So the teacher takes off her pants. Then the boy said take off your bra and panties but the teacher says, \"No!\" So the boy says, \"Take off your bra and panties or ill tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll get fired. So the teacher takes off her bra and panties. Then the little boy says, \"Get on the desk and lie down.\" But the teacher says, \"No!\" So the boy says, \"Get on the desk or ill tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll be fired.\" So the teacher gets on the desk and lies down. Then the boy says, \"Let me get on top of you.\" But the teacher says, \"No!\" So the boy says, \"Let me get on top of you or I'll tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll get fired.\" So the teacher lets him get on top of her. Then the little boy says, \"Teacher, let's start moving.\" But the teacher says, \"No!\" So the little boy says, \"Let's start moving or I'll tell my mom, who will tell my dad, who will tell the principal, and you'll be fired. So the little boy and the teacher start moving. Jjust then, the mom, the dad, and the principal come into the room, and the little boy shouts, \"Dad, look, I'm doing it! I'm doing it!\" And all three of them fainted.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 10496,
"title": "Teacher and a Kid"
},
{
"body": "My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. \r\n\r\nCleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult \r\n\r\nThe Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name \r\n\r\nI Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To \r\n\r\nFight Crime: Shoot Back! \r\n\r\nCaution -- Driver Legally Blonde! \r\n\r\nIf You Drink Don't Park. Accidents Cause People. \r\n\r\nIf You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass. \r\n\r\nYou're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10497,
"title": "Bumper Stickers"
},
{
"body": "If we quit voting, will they all go away? \r\n\r\nIt's been lovely but I have to scream now \r\n\r\nI haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on disk somewhere \r\n\r\nBoldly going nowhere \r\n\r\nDon't be sexist -- broads hate that \r\n\r\nOld lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal. \r\n\r\nHow could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10498,
"title": "One Liners"
},
{
"body": "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind. \r\n\r\nI must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you. \r\n\r\nLooking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking? \r\n\r\nAs the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me. \r\n\r\nAs you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy...",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10499,
"title": "One Liners (2)"
},
{
"body": "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this! \r\n\r\nCongratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again. \r\n\r\nSomeday I hope to get married, but not to you. \r\n\r\nSorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine. \r\n\r\nHappy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10501,
"title": "One Liners (3)"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris is.... \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n...stupid.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10502,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 21"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call an arctic animal shaped like a tooth?\r\n\r\nA: A molar bear!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10503,
"title": "Polar Bear"
},
{
"body": "The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking. \r\n\r\nFact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives. \r\n\r\nIt is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy. \r\n\r\nScientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with \"obstruction of justice.\" This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood. \r\n\r\nWhen you say \"no one's perfect\", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard. \r\n\r\n182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year. \r\n\r\nPaper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time. \r\n\r\nJesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus. \r\n\r\nAll roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face. \r\n\r\nIf you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around. \r\n\r\nJuly 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10505,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 21"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth. \r\n\r\nIn the medical community, death is referred to as \"Chuck Norris Disease\" \r\n\r\nChuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost. \r\n\r\nIf you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch. \r\n\r\nIn the Words of Julius Caesar, \"Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris\". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nThe First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is widely predicted to be the first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, \"But Chuck Norris isn't black\", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn. \r\n\r\nEvery time someone uses the word \"intense\", Chuck Norris always replies, \"You know what else is intense?\" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face. \r\n\r\nAs an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told. \r\n\r\nMost people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him \"a promising rookie\". \r\n\r\nThere are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10506,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 22"
},
{
"body": "President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing. \r\n\r\nWhat many people don't know is Chuck Norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine. \r\n\r\nThe chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out. \r\n\r\nThink of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her. \r\n\r\nA man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil. \r\n\r\nAliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10507,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 23"
},
{
"body": "When in a bar, you can order a drink called a \"Chuck Norris\". It is also known as a \"Bloody Mary\", if your name happens to be Mary. \r\n\r\nEvery time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he's roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die. \r\n\r\nSome people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag. \r\n\r\nThere's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first. \r\n\r\nA man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is \"Charles\". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe. \r\n\r\nIn a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets. \r\n\r\nFor undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest. \r\n\r\nIn the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character. \r\n\r\nWe live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nIt is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion. \r\n\r\nThe word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10508,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 24"
},
{
"body": "The 11th commandment is: \"Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris!\" This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is his own line at the DMV. \r\n\r\nTwo wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face. \r\n\r\nWho let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris goes out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting. \r\n\r\nIf Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you. \r\n\r\nNot everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called 'astronauts'. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states. \r\n\r\nA movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay. \r\n\r\nGodzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo. \r\n\r\nThey once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take S**t from anybody. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower. \r\n\r\n\"Sweating bullets\" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10509,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 25"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter. \r\n\r\nAfter taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said, \"Of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?\" \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares. \r\n\r\nWhen Arnold says the line \"I'll be back\" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help. \r\n\r\nThere are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris' penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nThe phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye. \r\n\r\nDiamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked. \r\n\r\nThe Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris was the original sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his \"Filet of Child\" sandwich",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10510,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 26"
},
{
"body": "For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels. \r\n\r\nThe Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. They didn't even come close.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota. \r\n\r\nDivide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one; one bad-ass, that is. \r\n\r\nTNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion. \r\n\r\nAfter returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards. \r\n\r\n\"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor\" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him. \r\n\r\nOnly Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims. \r\n\r\nIn the movie \"The Matrix\", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green \"falling code\" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris' dick is so big, it has its own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours. \r\n\r\nThey say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10511,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 27"
},
{
"body": "There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon. \r\n\r\nOne time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't say, \"Who's your daddy?\", because he knows the answer. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face. \r\n\r\nLove does not hurt. Chuck Norris does. \r\n\r\nThe term \"Cleveland Steamer\" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone. \r\n\r\nThe pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris knows the last digit of pi. \r\n\r\nThose aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode. \r\n\r\nThe air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees. \r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10512,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 28"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball. \r\n\r\nAccording to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood. \r\n\r\nCount from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...forty seven times. \r\n\r\nThe 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always. \r\n\r\nMr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean; the tsunamis were killing people. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ. \r\n\r\nThey were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be \"Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.\" \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis. \r\n\r\nA man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying \"Betcha can't eat just one!\" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel. \r\n\r\nIn the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as \"acts of God.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10513,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 29"
},
{
"body": "\"Brokeback Mountain\" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport. \r\n\r\nRules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists. \r\n\r\nIn ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper. \r\n\r\nWhen you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris describes human beings as \"a sociable holder for blood and guts\". \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sew his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time. \r\n\r\nMost tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris did not \"lose\" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice. \r\n\r\nEverything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10514,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 30"
},
{
"body": "Not Funny",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10515,
"title": "HAHA"
},
{
"body": "Things You Learn from Video Games\r\n\r\nThere is no problem that cannot be overcome by force.\r\n\r\nIf it moves, DESTROY IT!\r\n\r\nPiloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.\r\n\r\nOne lone \"good guy\" can defeat an infinite number of \"badguys.\"\r\n\r\nMake sure you eat all food lying on the ground.\r\n\r\nYou can break things and get away with it.\r\n\r\nYou can push other vehicles off the road and get away with it.\r\n\r\nIf someone dies, they disappear.\r\n\r\nIf you get mad enough, you can fight even better.\r\n\r\nYou can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.\r\n\r\nYou can operate all weapons without training.\r\n\r\nNo matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.\r\n\r\nDeath is reversible (only for you!)\r\n\r\nNinjas are common, and frequently fight in public.\r\n\r\nWhenever big fat mean guys are about to croak, they begin flashing red or yellow.\r\n\r\nYou never run out of ammunition, just grenades.\r\n\r\nAll women wear revealing clothes and have great bodies.\r\n\r\nShoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was bad.\r\n\r\nDon't worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.\r\n\r\nA thousand-to-one odds against you is NOT a problem.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 10516,
"title": "Things You Learn From Video Games"
},
{
"body": "Question:\r\n\r\n What did the frog order at McDonald's?\r\n\r\n\r\nAnswer:\r\n\r\n An order of french flies and a diet croak!!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10518,
"title": "Fast Food Frog"
},
{
"body": "The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. \"I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V.\"\r\nHe proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.\r\nThe lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted, and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.\r\nUnfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.\r\nLate in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown, and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.\r\n\"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.\"\r\nThe second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.\r\n\"Did you do this?\", he asked the centipede.\r\n\"Yeah, I did\", the centipede replied.\r\nThe lion retorted, \"Where were you during the first half?\"\r\n\"I was putting on my shoes.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10519,
"title": "Savanna Football"
},
{
"body": "The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, \"Tuti Homini\" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.\r\nThe next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, \"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini\" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.\r\nThe next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, \"Sure\".\r\nThe next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, \"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 10520,
"title": "Blessed be"
},
{
"body": "1 Why don't blondes eat bananas?\r\n\r\nThey can't find the zipper.\r\n\r\n2 Why don't blondes use vibrators?\r\n\r\nThey chip their teeth.\r\n\r\n3 Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?\r\n\r\nCause their balls show.\r\n\r\n4 Why don't a blondes eyes fall out of her when she stands?\r\n\r\nThe vacuum in her head keeps them in place.\r\n\r\n5 What does a blonde answer to the question \"Are you sexually active?\"\r\n\r\n\"No, I just lie there.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10522,
"title": "5 Jokes (21)"
},
{
"body": "There once was a man from Perdition \r\nWho knew his way around a kitchen \r\nHis wife was good lookin' \r\nThe kids loved his cookin' \r\nBut his mother-in-law kept on bitchin'",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10523,
"title": "Damned"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale. \r\n\r\nMost people know that Descarte said, \"I think, therefore I am.\" What most people don't know is that that quote continues, \"...afraid of Chuck Norris.\" \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels. \r\n\r\nFor every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more \"Missing in Action\" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris' penis has a Hemi. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand. \r\n\r\nKenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women. \r\n\r\nLife is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get. \r\n\r\nFor Chuck Norris, every street is \"one way\". HIS WAY. \r\n\r\nThere are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris. \r\n\r\nDuring the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter. \r\n\r\nInstead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10524,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 31"
},
{
"body": "Whoever said \"only the good die young\" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower. \r\n\r\nThe best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can. \r\n\r\nOccam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate. \r\n\r\nProponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet. \r\n\r\nRemember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back. \r\n\r\nIf a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes; Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover. \r\n\r\nHe who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris ... dies. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whiskey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10525,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 32"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar. He falls down, unconscious. Why is this?\r\n\r\nBecause the man walked into a solid bar. A solid, metal bar!",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 10526,
"title": "Walks Into a Bar"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a beautiful, independent, and self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.\r\n\r\nThe frog hopped onto the princess' lap and said, \"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.\"\r\n\r\nLater that night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought longingly about what her dinner said...\r\n\r\n\r\n\"I don't freakin' think so!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10527,
"title": "Elegant, Classic Story"
},
{
"body": "What happens when you give a politician viagra?\r\n\r\nHe gets taller.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 10529,
"title": "Viagra"
},
{
"body": "Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. \r\n\r\n\"Brenda, may I come in?\" he asks. \"I've some thin' to tell ya.\" \r\n\r\n\"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's me husband?\"\r\n\r\n\"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident at the Guinness brewery.\" \r\n\r\n\" Oh, God, no!\" cries Brenda. \"Please don't tell me.\"\r\n\r\n\"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.\"\r\n\r\nFinally, she looked up at Tim. \"How did it happen, Tim?\"\r\n\r\n\"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 10531,
"title": "Drowned"
},
{
"body": "What happens to a scone when you have eaten it?\r\nIt's scone.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10532,
"title": "Scone"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so dumb she studied for a urine test!!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10533,
"title": "Test Day"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so ugly, yo daddy had eye surgery TO REMOVE HIS SIGHT!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10535,
"title": "Yo Momma So Ugly"
},
{
"body": "If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless? \r\n\r\nIf fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight???\r\n \r\nIf nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make teflon stick to the pan?\r\n\r\nWhy do Kamikaze pilots wear seatbelts?\r\n\r\nIf love is blind, then why is lingere so popular? \r\n\r\nWhy is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? \r\n\r\nIf a black box flight recorder is never damaged in a plane crash, why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff? \r\n\r\nWhy is there an expiration date on sour cream? \r\n\r\nIf most car accidents occur within 5 kilometers of home, then why doesnt every one just move 5 k's away? \r\n\r\nWhy are psychics still working if they all know the winning lottery numbers? \r\n\r\nIf you try to fail, but you succeed, which have you done?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10537,
"title": "Questions Even Einstien Couldn't Answer"
},
{
"body": "A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early, and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.\r\n\r\nNot wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, \"Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.\"\r\n\r\n\"Certainly, honey,\" he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.\r\n\r\nAs he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, \"Say,\" said the druggist, \"aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I am,\" said the officer.\r\n\r\n\"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10542,
"title": "Wrong Uniform"
},
{
"body": "Cover Charge: $15.00\r\nRound of Drinks: $23.00\r\nTable Dance: $30.00\r\nAnother Round of Drinks: $23.00\r\nCouch Dance and Tips: $50.00\r\nA Round of Shots: $34.00\r\nAnother Round of Drinks: $23.00\r\nLap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00\r\nPrivate Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00\r\nSending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:\r\n\r\n...........PRICELESS!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10546,
"title": "If Only"
},
{
"body": "Women\r\nBetween the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild, and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.\r\n\r\nBetween the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.\r\n\r\nBetween the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.\r\n\r\nBetween the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.\r\n\r\nBetween the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.\r\n\r\nBetween the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled, but the frigid climate keeps people away.\r\n\r\nBetween the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past, but alas, no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a woman really).\r\n\r\nAfter 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.\r\n\r\nMen\r\nBetween the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10549,
"title": "Geography Lesson"
},
{
"body": "A newfie is walking down Yonge street in Toronto and sees a store front. The only thing inside are 2 guys sitting on stools. The newfie walks in and says \"Hey what are you guys selling?\" The one guy, recognizing the accent as being newfie, says \"we're selling assholes!\" The newfie responds \"HOLY SHIT! Business must be good; you only have 2 left!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10550,
"title": "Newfie in Toronto"
},
{
"body": "Where is the safest place to hide money from a redneck?\r\n\r\nIn his work boots!\r\n\r\nHow can you tell a redneck has been in your backyard?\r\n\r\nYour bike is gone and the dog is pregnant!!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10551,
"title": "2 Quick Ones"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many newfies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA: 2 one to hold the light bulb and 1 to spin him round and round.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 10554,
"title": "How Many Newfies"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Newfie farmers does it take to milk a cow?\r\n\r\nA: 5...One to hold the utter and four to lift the cow up and down, up and down.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10555,
"title": "Newfie Farmers"
},
{
"body": "How do you confuse a redneck\r\n\r\nAsk him a question that is not about NASCAR.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10556,
"title": "How to Confuse a Redneck"
},
{
"body": "My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, \"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?\"\r\n\r\nI mentally polished my halo while I asked, \"No, how are we alike?\"\r\n\r\n\"You're both old,\" he replied!!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 10561,
"title": "Grandma and God"
},
{
"body": "Relish today, ketchup tomorrow!\r\n\r\nA hamburger walks into the bar, and the bartender says, \"Sorry, we don't serve food here.\"\r\n\r\nI wanted to be a mime, but I talked myself out of it.\r\n\r\nDoctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10563,
"title": "Pun-damentals of Punning!"
},
{
"body": "What you call a man with no arms and no legs at a work-out place?\r\n\r\nJim\r\n\r\nWhat you call a man with no arms and no legs at your door?\r\n\r\nMatt\r\n\r\nWhat you call a man with no arms and no legs in your bathroom?\r\n\r\nJohn\r\n\r\nWhat you call a man with no arms and no legs in a trench?\r\n\r\nPhil\r\n\r\nWhat you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pit?\r\n\r\nDoug\r\n\r\nWhat you call a man with no arms and no legs with a cat?\r\n\r\nTom\r\n\r\nWhat you call a girl with one leg?\r\n\r\nIlene\r\n\r\nWhat you call a Japanese girl with one leg?\r\n\r\nIrene\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a pig with no legs?\r\n\r\nGroundhog",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10564,
"title": "No Leggers"
},
{
"body": "Frankienstien was out on a rainy day and he saw a very ugly guy. \"Lookin' good!\" he said to him. Later he saw a super model he said, \"So, how'd you get to be a mutant?\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10566,
"title": "Oh My"
},
{
"body": "A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, \"They couldn't get a baby-sitter.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 10567,
"title": "Sunday School"
},
{
"body": "A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: \"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 10569,
"title": "A Wise School Teacher"
},
{
"body": "I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings, at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. \r\n\r\nFinally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: \"Lead us not into temptation,\" she prayed, \"but deliver us from e-mail. Amen.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10571,
"title": "Twenty-First Century Addendum"
},
{
"body": "\"Psst, c'mere,\" said the shifty-eyed man, wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street, into a damp dark alley. I followed. \r\n\r\n\"What are you selling?\" I asked. \r\n\r\n\"Geometrical algebra drugs.\" \r\n\r\n\"Huh!?\" \r\n\r\n\"Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers...\" \r\n\r\n\"Stop right there,\" I interrupted. \"I've never heard of inside-outers.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin' Escher on a particularly weird day.\" \r\n\r\n\"Go on...\" \r\n\r\n\"OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones,\" he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills. \r\n\r\n\"What are those, then?\" I asked. \r\n\r\n\"Givens transformers. They'll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed.\" \r\n\r\n\"Sounds gross. What about those bilinear mappers?\" \r\n\r\n\"There's a whole variety of them. Here's one you'll love -- they call it 'One Over Z' on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and you'll be on speaking terms with the Point at Infinity.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10574,
"title": "Math is Turning Bad!"
},
{
"body": "The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. \r\n\r\n\"Ever have an accident?\" \r\n\r\n\"Nope, nary a one.\" \r\n\r\n\"None? You've never had any accidents.\" \r\n\r\n\"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?\" \r\n\r\n\"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 10575,
"title": "Accidents"
},
{
"body": "A man was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. \r\n\r\nThe man asked, \"Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?\" \r\n\r\nThe little old man replied \"I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your shirt.\" \r\n\r\nThe man shouted, \"I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!\" \r\n\r\n\"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want.\" \r\n\r\nThe man thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared from view. Three hours later the man came crawling back to where the little old man was sitting behind his card table. He said, \"I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?\" \r\n\r\nThe man rasped, \"I found it alright. They wouldn't let me in without a tie.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10576,
"title": "Tie"
},
{
"body": "A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper. \r\n\r\nLess obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper. \r\n\r\nOf course he was soon arrested for rustling.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10577,
"title": "Cowboy"
},
{
"body": "At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly, until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. \r\n\r\nThe boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward, why he behaved so badly, he explained, \"I was just trying to be a good ring bear.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10579,
"title": "Wedding"
},
{
"body": "A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. \r\n\r\nThe manager runs up to the man and asks, \"What are you doing?!!\" \r\n\r\nThe blind man replies, \"Just looking around.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 10580,
"title": "Blind Man"
},
{
"body": "Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. \r\n\r\nTo this end, I hold M&M duels. \r\n\r\nTaking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the \"loser,\" and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. \r\n\r\nI have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. \r\n\r\nOccasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. \r\n\r\nWhen I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, \"Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10581,
"title": "M&M Evolution"
},
{
"body": "The farmer's son was returning from the market, with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden, the box fell and broke open. \r\n\r\nChickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood, scooping up the wayward birds, and returning them to the repaired crate. \r\n\r\nHoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. \r\n\r\n\"Pa, the chickens got loose,\" the boy confessed sadly, \"but I managed to find all twelve of them.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, you did real good, son,\" the farmer beamed. \"You left with seven.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10584,
"title": "Chickens"
},
{
"body": "A blonde and her brunette friend were talking. The blonde says, \"I hate all the blonde jokes people say.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, they are only jokes. There are alot of stupid people out there. Here I'll prove it to you,\" replies her brunette friend.\r\n\r\nSo they went outside and hailed a taxi driver. \r\n\r\n\"Please take me to 29 Nickle Street to see if I'm home,\" said the brunette.\r\n\r\nThe taxi drove them, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, \"See, that guy was really stupid.\"\r\n\r\n\"No kidding,\" replies the blonde.\" There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10586,
"title": "The Blonde and the Blonde Jokes"
},
{
"body": "...I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.\r\n\r\n...I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.\r\n\r\n...I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.\r\n\r\n...I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.\r\n\r\n...I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.\r\n\r\n...I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable, regardless of the amount of time given.\r\n\r\n...I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.\r\n\r\n...If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.\r\n\r\n...I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.\r\n\r\n...I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.\r\n\r\n...I obey the law of inverse excuses, which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.\r\n\r\n...I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.\r\n\r\n...I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.\r\n\r\n...I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society), if they ever get it organized.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10587,
"title": "Procrastinator's Creed"
},
{
"body": "My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10589,
"title": "Proof"
},
{
"body": "An elementary school teacher asked her students to write a truthful report on what they would do if they had a million dollars. There was only one student who recieved an A, and the rest failed for lying.\r\n\r\nThis was the paper with the A:\r\n\r\nJohnny\r\n...",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10590,
"title": "A Million Dollars"
},
{
"body": "Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says\r\n\r\nIs There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?\r\n\r\nProstitutes Appeal to Pope\r\n\r\nPanda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over\r\n\r\nLung Cancer in Women Mushrooms\r\n\r\nEnraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax\r\n\r\nMiners Refuse to Work after Death\r\n\r\nJuvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant\r\n\r\nStolen Painting Found by Tree\r\n\r\nTwo Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter\r\n\r\nKiller Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10591,
"title": "Actual Headlines"
},
{
"body": "Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One\r\n\r\nWar Dims Hope for Peace\r\n\r\nCold Wave Linked to Temperatures\r\n\r\nEnfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide\r\n\r\nRed Tape Holds Up New Bridge\r\n\r\nDeer Kill 17,000\r\n\r\nTyphoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead\r\n\r\nMan Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge\r\n\r\nNew Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group\r\n\r\nAstronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft\r\n\r\nKids Make Nutritious Snacks",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10592,
"title": "Actual Headlines (2)"
},
{
"body": "British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply\r\n\r\nLansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees\r\n\r\nLocal High School Dropouts Cut in Half\r\n\r\nNew Vaccine May Contain Rabies\r\n\r\nMan Minus Ear Waives Hearing\r\n\r\nDeaf College Opens Doors to Hearing\r\n\r\nAir Head Fired\r\n\r\nOld School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni\r\n\r\nBank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board\r\n\r\nHospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors\r\n\r\nSome Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction\r\n\r\nSex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training\r\n\r\nInclude your Children when Baking Cookies",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10593,
"title": "Actual Headlines (3)"
},
{
"body": "Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?\r\n\r\nWhy are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?\r\n\r\nDo you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?\r\n\r\nIf you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?\r\n\r\nYou know how most packages say \"Open here\". What is the protocol if the package says, \"Open somewhere else\"?\r\n\r\nWhy do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10594,
"title": "Questions of the Universe"
},
{
"body": "Why did the french dog look in the toilet?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nWee wee",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10595,
"title": "French Dog"
},
{
"body": "You Might be a Redneck If you take your family to K-Mart to see a movie.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10596,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck If..."
},
{
"body": "Today, if you meet someone from France, they will say, \"Bonjour, Je suis de la France.\"\r\nThis is what they would say if America knew France wasn't going to pay us back for helping them. \"Hallo, bin ich von Frankreich.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 10597,
"title": "The French"
},
{
"body": "A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree, that had been pressed between the pages. \r\n\r\n\"Momma, look what I found,\" the boy called out. \r\n\r\n\"What have you got there, dear?\" his mother asked. \r\n\r\nWith astonishment in the his voice, he answered, \"It's Adam's Suit!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10599,
"title": "Bible Leaf"
},
{
"body": "Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. \r\n\r\nFinally, his big sister had had enough. \"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.\" \r\n\r\n\"Why? Who's going to stop me?\" Joel asked. \r\n\r\nAngie pointed to the back of the church and said, \"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10600,
"title": "Be Quiet or Else"
},
{
"body": "Jack was living in Arizona, during a heat wave, when the following took place. \r\n\r\n\"It's just too hot to wear clothes today,\" complained Jack, as he stepped out of the shower. \"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?\" \r\n\r\n\"Probably that I married you for your money.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10601,
"title": "What Your Neighbors Think"
},
{
"body": "A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom, on the edge of the bathtub, saying to himself, \"Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet, and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out, sooner or later, that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?\" \r\n\r\nMeanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed, saying to herself, \"Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?\" \r\n\r\nThe husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife, so he walks into the bedroom, walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, \"Darling, I've a confession to make.\" \r\n\r\nAnd she says, \"So have I, love.\" \r\n\r\nTo which he replies, \"Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10604,
"title": "What's That Smell!"
},
{
"body": "Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. \"Doctor, you must help me,\" she pleaded. \"It's gotten so that every time I meet one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.\" \r\n\r\n\"I see,\" nodded the psychiatrist. \"And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.\" \r\n\r\n\"NO!!!\" exclaimed the nurse. \"I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 10605,
"title": "The Nurse and the Psychiatrist"
},
{
"body": "WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. \r\n\r\nBEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. \r\n\r\nSo you're a feminist...Isn't that cute. \r\n\r\nBeauty is in the eye of the beer holder. \r\n\r\nAll men are idiots....I married their king. \r\n\r\nIRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. \r\n\r\nHard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. \r\n\r\nReality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. \r\n\r\nOut of my mind...Back in five minutes. \r\n\r\nI took an IQ test and the results were negative.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10606,
"title": "Bumper Stickers"
},
{
"body": "A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant. \r\n\r\nHis wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, \"What in the world are you doing?\" \r\n\r\nHe replied, \"I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10607,
"title": "First Time Father"
},
{
"body": "A computer teacher who doesn't speak good english tells his student \"Paul open the window let the Air Force Come.\"\r\n\r\nAt another time the same teacher and his wife sees one of his students in mall. The next day the teacher says to the student \"Tim, yesterday I saw you with my wife at the mall.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10608,
"title": "Beware Of What You Say"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why were the British fighting us in the war of 1812?\r\n\r\nA: Because they were done beating up the French, and they needed someone new to pick on.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 10609,
"title": "1812"
},
{
"body": "How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? \r\n\r\n5... 1 to try and fail, 3 to stand around and pretend to be musicians, and 1 to actually do it right.\r\n\r\nHow many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\n\r\n3... 1 to do it, and 2 to say they can do it better.\r\n\r\nHow many tuba players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\n2... 1 to crush the lightbulb, and the other to fight about it.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 10610,
"title": "Band"
},
{
"body": "What do scientists use to freshen their breath?\r\n\r\nExperi-mints",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10611,
"title": "Scientist"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?\r\n\r\nTyrannosaurus wrecks",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10612,
"title": "Dinosaur"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if your kids are named after the car they were made in.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10614,
"title": "Redneck Joke"
},
{
"body": "1) Your life's ambition involved 2 things. \"get high\" and \"earn just enough money to get high\"\r\n\r\n2) You're nervous around the police even if you have nothing on you because \"you just know they know,\"\r\n\r\n-or-\r\n\r\nYou WANT them to search you because you don't have anything just so you can laugh at them.\r\n\r\n3) You set aside actual lump sums of money to buy weed and treat it like your 'utility bill.'\r\n\r\n4) You were never out of weed until your friends were out of weed.\r\n\r\n5) Every time you happened to catch the clock at a glance and see '4:20', you automatically think of weed. (Whether you still smoke or have quit before)\r\n\r\n7) You would drive over 100 miles if you knew a guy who was selling weed 20 bucks cheaper then the guy next door.\r\n\r\n8) You've actually 'worked' for weed.\r\n\r\n9) You've actually held up a sign that said 'will work for weed'\r\n\r\n10) You're high reading this and didn't know there is no #6.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n11) You want to argue with me because # 2 is a two part answer, and bring in the philosophy behind it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10616,
"title": "Another \"You Know You're a Pothead If...\""
},
{
"body": "One day a three legged dog walked into a bar.\r\n\r\nHe said, \"I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10620,
"title": "3 Legged Dog"
},
{
"body": "The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting. \r\n\r\nIt seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage. \r\n\r\nThe club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10622,
"title": "British Club"
},
{
"body": "A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' \r\n\r\n'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.' \r\n\r\n'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.' \r\n\r\n'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered. \r\n\r\n'I am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 10623,
"title": "Lunch Break"
},
{
"body": "1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.\r\n2. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.\r\n3. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.\r\n4. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.\r\n5. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.\r\n6. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.\r\n7. You are not Tom Cruise.\r\n8. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.\r\n9. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.\r\n10. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.\r\n11. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.\r\n12. Smart bombs have bad days too.\r\n13. The best defense is to stay out of range.\r\n14. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10624,
"title": "Lessons of War"
},
{
"body": "Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, \"Did you see that?\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" the second guy says. \r\n\r\n\"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,\" the first guy says. \r\n\r\n\"Oh,\" says the second guy. \r\n\r\nA couple of minutes later, the first guy says, \"Did you see that?\" \r\n\r\n\"See what?\" the second guy asks. \r\n\r\n\"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh.\" \r\n\r\nA few minutes later the first guy says: \"Did you see that?\" \r\n\r\nBy now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, \"Yes, I did!\" \r\n\r\nAnd the first guy says: \"Then why did you step in it?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10625,
"title": "Did You See That?"
},
{
"body": "Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. \r\n\r\n\"I was the James Bond type of player,\" he told his friends. \"I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.\" \r\n\r\n\"Batted .007,\" his wife added.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 10626,
"title": "Semi-pro Baseball"
},
{
"body": "I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. \r\n\r\nIn other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10628,
"title": "Women and Cats"
},
{
"body": "A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. \"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!\" \r\n\r\n\"I did? What did I tell you?\" said the dad. \r\n\r\n\"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.\" \r\n\r\n\"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state,\" he said. \"there must be some mistake.\" \r\n\r\n\"I don't think so,\" she sniffed. \"They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10629,
"title": "Bad Financial Advice"
},
{
"body": "One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. \"Get the owner's manual!\" her husband shouted. \r\n\r\n\"I can't find it anywhere!\" she cried, searching through the box. \r\n\r\n\"Oops!\" came a voice from the kitchen. \"Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10634,
"title": "Toaster Oven"
},
{
"body": "One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. \r\n\r\nThe car broke down. \r\n\r\nThe Mechanical Engineer said, \"I think a rod broke.\" \r\n\r\nThe Chemical Engineer said, \"The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas.\" \r\n\r\nThe Electrical Engineer said, \"I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system.\" \r\n\r\nAll three turned to the computer engineer and said, \"What do you think?\" \r\n\r\nThe Computer Engineer said, \"I think we should all get out and get back in.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 10635,
"title": "Engineers"
},
{
"body": "Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother, after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night, and everything was beautiful. \r\n\r\nHis grandmother remarked,\"Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?\" \r\n\r\nBobby said, \"Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.\" \r\n\r\nThis confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, \"What makes you say God did this with his left hand?\" \r\n\r\nWell,\" said Bobby, \"we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10636,
"title": "Left Handed"
},
{
"body": "My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in household chores. \r\n\r\nOne day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator magnet, that read: \"Martha Stewart doesn't live here.\" \r\n\r\nThe next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a slip of paper. \r\n\r\nThe note read, \"Neither does Bob Vila.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10637,
"title": "Chores"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is like a radio station, everyone can turn her on.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10638,
"title": "Title"
},
{
"body": "What do you get if you cross a rhino and and elephant?\r\n\r\nElepf-ino (pronounced \"Hell if I know\")",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10639,
"title": "Animal Crossing"
},
{
"body": "I once asked a foreign person if i could bang on his drum, he told me, \"You can't bang on my drum, but you can bang on my bum!\"\r\n-If this ever happens to you, run!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10640,
"title": "Native"
},
{
"body": "A policeman caught a nasty little boy, with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other. \r\n\r\n\"Now listen here,\" the policeman said. \"Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature, I shall personally do to you\" \r\n\r\n\"In that case,\" said the boy, \"I'll kiss it on the forehead and let it go\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10642,
"title": "Poor, Defenseless Creature"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat. The giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself, and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink, and, after a while, they order the same again. \r\n\r\nThey continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them, and ordering another load, untill suddenly, the giraffe falls off his stool, and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door. \r\n\r\nThe barman shouts at him as he heads out the door \"You can't leave that lyin' 'ere!\" \r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"Its not a lion, its a giraffe!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10643,
"title": "Giraffe"
},
{
"body": "You know, luckily they have this fraud protection thing going around. It's supposed to save your butt if it's happened to you. Capital one has it, Visa, Master Card, etc. If they notice some unusual activity, they'll give you a call like this:\r\n\r\n\"Hi, this is Capital One calling. We've noticed a lot of unusual activity on your account the past couple of days, and we were just wondering if you've lost your card.\"\r\n\r\nHave you ever got a call like that? It could save your credit. That practice seemed like a good idea, and, apparently, it's being used by everyone. But I don't think I could have prepared myself when I got a call last sunday afternoon that went like this:\r\n\r\n\"Hi, this is Heaven calling. We've noticed a lot of unusual activity coming from you these past couple of days, and we were just wondering if you've lost your mind.\"\r\n\r\nWell, apparently, by saying yes, I saved my soul.\r\n\r\n(But off the record, it was one hell of a weekend :-D :-D )",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10644,
"title": "Did You Ever Get a Call Like This?"
},
{
"body": "Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it, but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him. He dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin, as fast as he could. \r\n\r\nHe ran pretty fast, but the bear was just a little faster, and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. \r\n\r\nThe man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, \"You skin this one while I go and get another one!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10645,
"title": "Bear Hunters"
},
{
"body": "There is an old story about the data centre of the future. \r\nThis data centre runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog. The man's job is to feed the dog. \r\nThe dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10651,
"title": "Data Centre"
},
{
"body": "A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. \r\n\r\nHe asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. \r\n\r\nBut as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. \r\n\r\nThe husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. \r\n\r\nWhen they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10652,
"title": "Labor Pain"
},
{
"body": "John, for heaven's sake, why can't you just talk to me once in awhile?\" whined Mari. \r\n\r\n\"Huh?\" John responded. \r\n\r\n\"Look around you!\" she yells, as she points around the room. \"All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don't even know I'm alive!\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh. I'm sorry.\" \r\n\r\n\"You know, sometimes I wish I were a book. Then you'd at least look at me.\" \r\n\r\n\"Hmmm,\" John mumbled in deep thought, \"that's not a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10653,
"title": "Book Logic"
},
{
"body": "A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. The little voice tells him, \"Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.\" The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice. \r\n\r\nThe next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, \"Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.\" Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event. \r\n\r\nEvery day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, \"Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.\" Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. \r\n\r\nThe moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, \"Go to Harrah's.\" So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's. \r\n\r\nAs soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, \"Go to the roulette table.\" The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, \"Put all your money on 17.\" \r\n\r\nNervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. \r\n\r\nThe dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21. \r\n\r\nThe little voice says, \"Oops...\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10654,
"title": "The Little Voice"
},
{
"body": "One night a man and his wife were lying in bed and she was complaining that his penis was small and asked why he didn't do something about it.\r\n\r\nThe next night thay were in bed and she reached between his legs and gasped, \"How did it get so big?\"\r\n\r\nHusband said, \"Simple, I went to the hospital and had an operation.\"\r\n\r\nThe wife replied, \"What kind of operation?\"\r\n\r\nThe husband said, \"I had an addadicktome!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 10655,
"title": "Operation"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if your limo at your wedding was a tractor and trailer.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10656,
"title": "Redneck Joke 2"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if your honeymoon was at the family farm.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10657,
"title": "Redneck Joke 3"
},
{
"body": "The king had a powerful army. He reined for 7 years before clearing the clouds!!!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10659,
"title": "Weird Words"
},
{
"body": "My computer is so old, it has a VHS slot instead of a CD/DVD slot!!!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10660,
"title": "My Computer"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if...\r\n\r\n...your porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs.\r\n\r\n...you see your family reunion as a way to meet girls.\r\n\r\n...you marry three times and still have the same in-laws.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10661,
"title": "You Might Be A Redneck If..."
},
{
"body": "Both of the following men have cheated on their wives and have decided to take it to the Lord. One is a gangster and one is a Christian. This is their prayers....\r\n\r\nChristian husband:\r\n\r\nDear Father Son and Holy Ghost,\r\nI have sinned and am so sorry. I cheated on my wife with her best friend. Please allow my wife to forgive me for it was a long night and I didn't mean to hurt her.\r\nAmen\r\n\r\nGangster husband:\r\n\r\nWaz up Pops Pops Jr. and Spooks,\r\nI cheated on my women last night. She is pissed off but I have a good reason for my actions. You see I'm a pimp in my old town and one of my leading ladies was having some trouble so you know, Lil' Willy down there make it all better. Well, my woman found out so you know let this blow over. \r\nGangster out",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 10662,
"title": "Prayers"
},
{
"body": "A Catholic man was struck by a bus on a busy street. He was near death lying on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers. \r\n\r\n\"A priest! Somebody please get me a priest!\" the man gasped. Minutes dragged on and no one stepped out of the crowd. \r\n\r\nA policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, \"A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?\" \r\n\r\nFinally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. \"Mr. Policeman,\" says the man, \"I'm not a priest, I'm not even a Christian, but for fifty years now I've been living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I overhear their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man.\" The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay. \r\n\r\nThe old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice: \"B-4 I-19 N-38 G-54 O-72\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 10663,
"title": "Last Rite"
},
{
"body": "How can you tell the difference between a violin and a fiddle?\r\n\r\nLook at the audience!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10664,
"title": "Which is It?"
},
{
"body": "A man went into his shrink's office and says, \"Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. \r\n\r\n\"The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?\" \r\n\r\n\"Relax,\" says the doctor; \"you're just having an auto-body experience.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 10665,
"title": "Car Dreams"
},
{
"body": "I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. \r\n\r\nWe got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek. \r\n\r\nAn hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. \"Men,\" our sergeant yelled, \"you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!\" \r\n\r\nRevitalized, we picked up the pace. \"And,\" he continued, \"we should reach the starting point any minute now.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10666,
"title": "March"
},
{
"body": "After intensive investigation on both the Soviet and US parts, spokespersons from both space agencies have determined the cause for the accident which has placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy. \r\n\r\nIn terse statements at a recent press conference, Soviet and US space agency spokespersons said Thursday We have concluded joint investigations concerning this potentially tragic accident and each nations' team, separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident. \r\n\r\nThe accident was caused by one thing and one thing only: OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 10670,
"title": "The Mir"
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. \r\n\r\nThe farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, \"You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today.\" \r\n\r\nThe husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, \"When do you have time to plough your land? At night?\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" the young farmer replied seriously, \"Night is when I put the water in the hole.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10672,
"title": "The Hole"
},
{
"body": "A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses, one for each year of her life. \r\n\r\nThat evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. \r\n\r\nAs the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet. \r\n\r\nThe fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10674,
"title": "Roses are Red..."
},
{
"body": "An army 2Lt. is taking his platoon on patrol when his scouts come running back and say \r\n\"Sir, there's a Marine standing in the road\". \r\nThe Lt. scoffs and sends a fire team to go investigate and remove the Marine. \r\nThey approach the Marine and he begins to head for a small ridge on the side of the road and motions for them to follow. \r\nAs the rest of the platoon advances and takes cover they hear yelling and screaming. \r\nThe Marine emerges a couple minutes of later and dusts himself off and again stands in the middle of the road.\r\nThe Lt. curses and calls for a squad to remove the Devil Dog. \r\nHe again heads down to s small ridge and they follow. \r\nOnce again there is blood-curdling screaming and weeping. \r\nAnd AGAIN the Marine emerges and dusts himself off.\r\nBewildered and pissed off, the Lt. sends all but his platoon Sgt. down and says \r\n\"Eliminate the motherfu**er\". They run towards him and again follow him to the ridge. \r\nThe screaming begins again and suddenly a specialist comes running up, bloody, his cammies all mangled. The Lt. is in shock and says \"What the hell is going on out there, soldier?\" \r\nGasping for breath the soldier replies, \r\n\"It's a trick, sir! There's two of 'em.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10681,
"title": "Don't Mess With a Marine..."
},
{
"body": "A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. \r\n\r\nTo the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. \r\n\r\nHe got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. \"Who's the boss around here?\" he asked. \r\n\r\n\"I am.\" said the man. \r\n\r\n\"I have a black horse and a brown horse,\" the farmer said, \"which one would you like?\" \r\n\r\nThe man thought for a minute and said, \"The black one.\" \r\n\r\n\"No, no, no, get the brown one.\" the man's wife said. \r\n\r\n\"Here's your chicken.\" said the farmer.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10682,
"title": "Horse or Chicken"
},
{
"body": "For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. \r\n\r\nOne day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. \r\n\r\nThe teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, \"Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?\" \r\n\r\nTommy burst into tears and confessed, \"I think Mommy ate it!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10684,
"title": "Younger Sibling"
},
{
"body": "Hello, this is probably 327-4681, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10685,
"title": "Answering Maching"
},
{
"body": "Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? \r\n\r\nDoctor: You've had an accident involving a train. \r\n\r\nPatient: What happened? \r\n\r\nDoctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? \r\n\r\nPatient: Well... The bad news first... \r\n\r\nDoctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. \r\n\r\nPatient: That's terrible! What's the good news? \r\n\r\nDoctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 10686,
"title": "Train Accident"
},
{
"body": "Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued: \r\n\r\nFirst Guy: \"Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.\" \r\n\r\nSecond Guy: \"That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.\" \r\n\r\nThird Guy: \"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.\" \r\n\r\nThey continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. \"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?\" \r\n\r\nFourth Guy: \"I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10688,
"title": "Golf"
},
{
"body": "Bob was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove Joe crazy. \"Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!\" \r\n\r\nBob replied, \"You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week.\" \r\n\r\nJoe looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, \"What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!\" \r\n\r\nBob answered, \"You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 10691,
"title": "Shipwrecked"
},
{
"body": "\"I bet that India would win against Pakistan and lost Rs 1,000.\" Tommy told Rob.\r\n\r\n\"Hey, you bet Rs 1,000 for a single match?\" Rob exclaimed.\r\n\r\n\"No Man, I bet Rs 500 on that match.\" Tommy replied.\r\n\r\n\"So, what happened to the other Rs 500?\" Rob asked.\r\n\r\n\"My Friend, I bet on the highlights too.\" Tommy replied.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 10692,
"title": "Betting"
},
{
"body": "Once there was a guy who liked cheese.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10693,
"title": "The Guy!"
},
{
"body": "I like hippos 'cause they're fat and don't care what other hippos think.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10694,
"title": "Hippo"
},
{
"body": "A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. \"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static.\" \"Sorry about, that,\" replied the store clerk. \"We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?\" The blonde replied, \"It's called 'Head Cleaner.'\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10701,
"title": "The Tape..."
},
{
"body": "Blonds are so dumb. I'm lucky my hair is yellow.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10704,
"title": "Dumb"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, she stepped on a peanut and she made peanut butter.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10705,
"title": "Peanutt Butter"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so stupid, she's stupid.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10707,
"title": "Stupid"
},
{
"body": "Once there was an old man 70 years old named Bob who was married to his 73 year old wife, Mary. \r\n\r\n\r\nThey had their grandchild, named Caroline over. Once they got home from their walk, Bob offered Caroline some hot chocolate, toast, and eggs.\r\n\r\n\r\n\"Of course!\" She said with delight. \r\n\r\nThen, Bob goes in to make the meal for Caroline and Mary follows to help. \r\n\r\nBob and Mary take an hour to walk into the kitchen, take three hours making the meal, and take an hour to walk back into the living room in which Caroline was in with the meal.\r\n\r\n\r\nCaroline noticed, \"Hey, you forgot the Hot chocolate and toast!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10708,
"title": "Old Couple and Friend"
},
{
"body": "Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. \r\n\r\nHe went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. \r\n\r\nThe elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, \"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.\" \r\n\r\nTo which the gentleman said, \"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 10709,
"title": "Hearing Aid"
},
{
"body": "An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. \r\n\r\n\"No no,\" says the physicist, \"there's a better way.\" He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material. \r\n\r\nThen the mathematician speaks up: \"No, no, there's an even better way.\" To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares: \r\n\r\n\"I define myself to be on the outside.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 10710,
"title": "The Fence"
},
{
"body": "One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. \r\n\r\nLater that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. \r\n\r\nThey arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, \"Honey, have you seen my other shoe?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10715,
"title": "The Shoe"
},
{
"body": "A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: \"Why don't you be a good samaritan and take him home.\" \r\n\r\nThe man takes the drunk out the door, and to his car, and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car, and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. \r\n\r\nThe drunk's wife greets them at the door: \"Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 10717,
"title": "Drunk Man Home"
},
{
"body": "What did the robot say to the centipede?\r\n\r\nStop being a centipede!!!................................\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nits funny cause the robot doesnt have any legs",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10720,
"title": "What Did The..."
},
{
"body": "somewhere in Calfornia, USA, there is a man who want to open up a business. So he decided to build a restaurant. On the grand opening day, he put a large sign: \"BEST RESTAURANT IN CALIFORNIA\".\r\n\r\nAnd there's another man do the same thing (make a new restaurant) close to the first man. He put a big sign: \"BEST RESTAURANT IN AMERICA\"\r\n\r\nThere's another man also do the same thing. He's even more arrogant than the first two. He then put a big sign: \"BEST RESTAURANT IN THE WORLD\"\r\n\r\nANOTHER man decided to do the same thing. But this man is wiser than the first three. So instead of put a bombastic sign, he only put a normal sign in front of his new restaurant: \"Best Restaurant on this road\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10722,
"title": "Restaurants"
},
{
"body": "Never trust google!\r\n\r\nwhy? \r\n\r\nfollow the instruction below and you'll get what I mean\r\n\r\nPlease do it right now and see the blunder made by google.\r\n\r\n1. Open google\r\n\r\n2. Click 'language tools' link.\r\n\r\n3. Write \"Linda's mom is very nice\" in 'Translate text:' textbox.\r\n\r\n4. Select \"English to Spanish\" in the below combo.\r\n\r\n5. Press Translate and wait for translation.\r\n\r\n6. Now copy the translated text from the above text and paste it in the 'Translate text:' textbox.\r\n\r\n7. Select \"Spanish to English\" in the below combo.\r\n\r\n8. Press Translate and wait for translation.\r\n\r\n9. Enjoy.\r\n\r\nCopy paste below's URL to go to translator page of google:\r\nhttp://www.google.com/language_tools?hl=en",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 10724,
"title": "Don't Trust GOOGLE"
},
{
"body": "A boy asked to his girl friends: \r\nWhat does a gay cow eat?\r\nall of his friends failed to answer.\r\nThen he stood up, and with a gay-est falsetto voice he said: Haaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10726,
"title": "Gay Cow"
},
{
"body": "The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. \r\n\r\nHe was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School. \r\n\r\nThe Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, \"Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 10730,
"title": "Submarine"
},
{
"body": "A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. \"Listen,\" said the shoplifter, \"I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?\" \r\n\r\nThe manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, \"This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 10732,
"title": "Shoplifter"
},
{
"body": "Oh, the network outside is frightful,\r\nBut on campus, it's so delightful,\r\nOur packets have nowhere to go,\r\nNet is slow, net is slow, net is slow. \r\n\r\nIt doesn't show signs of stopping,\r\nAll our packets, our hosts are dropping;\r\nBandwidth is turned way down low,\r\nNet is slow, net is slow, net is slow. \r\n\r\nWhen we finally connect to a site,\r\nIt's time to go back to the dorm;\r\nBut if I could stay here all night,\r\nI could submit their Web form. \r\n\r\nThe network is slowly dying,\r\nAnd, I fear, we're still denying,\r\nBut as long as Sprint is the way to go,\r\nNet is slow, net is slow, net is slow.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 10735,
"title": "Net is Slow"
},
{
"body": "A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. \r\n\r\nThe father replies: \"My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.\" \r\n\r\nThe boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. \r\n\r\nHe remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. \r\n\r\nHe asks the girl: \"Do you like spinach?\" She says \"No,\" and the silence returns. \r\n\r\nAfter a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, \"Do you have a brother?\" Again, the girl says \"No\" and there is silence once again. \r\n\r\nThe boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: \"If you had a brother, would he like spinach?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10736,
"title": "Nervousness"
},
{
"body": "Did you here about the giant with a nosebleed? It was all over town",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10739,
"title": "Did You Here?"
},
{
"body": "A boy went to his grandpa's & grandma's house. He asked his grandpa, while his hand holds a worm, \"If I can make this worm stiff, would you give me $10?\" His grandpa said, \"Yes.\" \r\n\r\nThen he sprayed the worm with hair spray, and the worm became stiff. The grandpa looked surprised. He then tells his wife about what happened, and together, they give the boy $20. Grandma then said, \"Here's $10 from grandpa for making the worm stiff, as he promised, and $10 from me for the great idea.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10740,
"title": "Make it Stiff"
},
{
"body": "There was a Polish man and an American on the street corner. The American man wanted to see if the Polish really were stupid. The Polish man replied, \"No, you stupid American, we are not.\" The American then puts his hand in front of a metal pole, and tells the Polish man, he's sorry to hit him for it. When he goes to hit him, the American moves his hand, leaving the Polish man crying. The Polish man then puts his hand in front of his face and says, \"What now?\"\r\n\r\nThe Polish man went to the hospital. The entire time he was there, he insisted he screw the room lightbulb in himself.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10741,
"title": "Polish"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if your dog is in your bed more than your wife.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10742,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock\r\nWho's there? \r\nKook\r\nKook who? \r\nHey, who you calling cukoo mister?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 10744,
"title": "Haha"
},
{
"body": "Why does a cock always close his eyes when he's crowing?\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause he already knows the text!!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10745,
"title": "Crowing Cock"
},
{
"body": "What is the similarity between Einstein and Newton?\r\n\r\nNeither of them ever had a mobile phone!",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 10746,
"title": "Einstein and Newton"
},
{
"body": "Why do pigs STINK?\r\n\r\nBecause they have four armpits..",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10747,
"title": "Stink Pigs"
},
{
"body": "What door cannot be pushed, even by 10 people simultaneously?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThe door that says: PULL",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 10748,
"title": "Unpushed Door"
},
{
"body": "A college student walks down the road when he sees a beggar on the side of the street.\r\n\r\nCollege Student (C) : Hey mister! whatsup!\r\nBeggar (B) : Yea how you doin'...\r\nC: So, how long have you've been a beggar?\r\nB: It's about eight years now kid..\r\nC: WOW! Thats long time.. how much do you get per day?\r\nB: Not that bad... about 250 bucks a day...\r\nC: That's enermous!\r\nB: Yeah.. Enough for living my family..\r\nC: Owch.. you got family too! Where are they now?\r\nB: My wife's dead. I got three children, one of them in Harvard University, one in MIT, and the other one went oversea, he goes to Oxford University...\r\nC: *pause, surprised* That's..that's really great... So, when they're gonna be graduated?\r\nB: No kid... they're not studying! They beg in there! just like me!!",
"category": "College",
"id": 10749,
"title": "Succesfull Beggar"
},
{
"body": "TEACHER : There is a frog, ship is sinking, potatoes cost $10/kg, then what is my age? \r\n\r\nSTUDENT : 32 yrs!\r\n\r\nTEACHER : How do you know?\r\n\r\nSTUDENT : Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10751,
"title": "Teacher's Question"
},
{
"body": "Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning ship. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, \"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!\" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: \"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10752,
"title": "Guinness Beer"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Paul, what is the chemical formula of water?\r\nPaul: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O\r\nTeacher: What is this?\r\nPaul: Well, you said it is H2O!\r\n\r\n-------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nTeacher : Mike, get up! How can you sleep in my class? \r\nMike : I can Mr, if you keep your voice down. \r\n\r\n-----------------------------------------------------------\r\n \r\nTeacher : Where does God live? \r\nLittle boy : I think he lives in our bathroom. \r\nTeacher: Why do you say that? \r\nLittle boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?' \r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n \r\nTeacher: \"Annie! stop showing off! Do you think you are the teacher of this class?\"\r\nAnnie: \"No, Miss.\"\r\nTeacher: \"Then stop acting like a fool!\" \r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n \r\nPupil: \"Sir, Would you mind e-mailing my exam results to my parents?\" \r\nTeacher: \"But your parents don't have a computer.\" \r\nPupil: \"Exactly!\" \r\n\r\n---------------------------------------------------------- \r\n\r\nA student to his teacher: \"I haven't got no pencil.\" \r\nTeacher, correcting him: \"You don't have any pencil. He doesn't have any pencils. We don't have any pencils.\"\r\nStudent, with a look of astonishment: \"Where have all the pencils gone?\"\r\n\r\n---------------------------------------------------------- \r\n\r\nTeacher to girl: \"Why are you late?\"\r\nGirl: \"I started late from home\".\r\nTeacher: \"Why didn't you start early?\"\r\nGirl: \"By the time I woke up, it was too late to start early\"\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n \r\nTeacher to the student: Why are you tearing up your homework copy?\r\nStudent: To keep the elephants away. \r\nTeacher: But there are no elephants here. \r\nStudent: See how effective it is!\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n \r\nTeacher: You weren't at school last Friday, Robert. I heard you were at the movie theatre. \r\nRobert: That's not true, sir. And I've got the tickets from the football game to prove it.",
"category": "College",
"id": 10753,
"title": "Teachers VS. Students"
},
{
"body": "You fart and you are proud of the smell",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10754,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck If..."
},
{
"body": "Make sure you are in a public place with a lot of people around.\r\n\r\nSniff the air a couple of times (make sure it is loud sniffs). Turn to you wife and say in a loud voice \"Hey honey did you fart?!\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10755,
"title": "How to Embarass Your Wife"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so uncoordinated she couldn't hit water if she fell out of a boat.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10757,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "Yo mommas is so fat it takes a twinky and a tub of butter to get her through the door.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10758,
"title": "Yo Momma's So Fat...."
},
{
"body": "You know we all have those moments and I'm going to share a few of them with you.\r\n\r\nAt lunch I was going crazy looking for my purse. It was literally right in front of me...on the table.\r\n\r\nMy friend across from me suddenly said \"Where's Tina?\" She was sitting right next to her.\r\n\r\nI was having a conversation with my friend on the bus and five seconds later I couldn't remember what it was about. I still can't Maybe it was about bread....\r\n\r\nWhen people lose their cell phones why don't they just call them? Even if they're on vibrate you can still hear them a little bit.....\r\n\r\nAt work I'm constantly trying to give change in dimes instead of just using a quarter....I know not that bad but yea.\r\n\r\nI had to call home once and I fergot my own phone number.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10761,
"title": "Blonde Moments"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?\r\n \r\nA: Sparky!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10762,
"title": "Sparky"
},
{
"body": "A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were in a cave. All of a sudden, a blind guy said he heard something, the deaf guy said he saw something, and the armless guy said \"Let's kick his ass!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10763,
"title": "Three Guys in a Cave"
},
{
"body": "I went to the neurologist yesterday, to find out if I still needed to take my medication, right?\r\nWell, he goes off on a random tangent about Hershey Park and I'm like, what the heck, I thought this was about me, not a theme park. And so, somehow, he decides that I need to take two pills instead of one, and again, I'm like what the heck, this guy is nuts!\r\nAnd then after he decides this, he randomly decides to check the reflexes in my elbows and my knees and my ankles. I am laughing uncontrollably and my moms looked at me like I was nuts - I still don't know what my reflexes have to do with my migraines.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 10766,
"title": "Doctors"
},
{
"body": "Question:\r\n\r\n How long is a minute?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnswer:\r\n\r\n That depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on!!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10767,
"title": "How Long......?"
},
{
"body": "What do snakes use for birth control?\r\n\r\nAn Anacondom!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10768,
"title": "Watch Out For that Snake"
},
{
"body": "Boy: Is your dad a baker?\r\n\r\nGirl: No. Why?\r\n\r\nBoy: Cause you're a cutie pie!!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10769,
"title": "Pick Up Lines #2"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's just like a bus. They're big, smelly, and you can ride it for a buck.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10770,
"title": "The Bus"
},
{
"body": "10. Lower corner of screen has the words \"Etch-a-sketch\" on it. \r\n\r\n9. Its celebrity spokesman is that \"Hey Vern!\" guy. \r\n\r\n8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car. \r\n\r\n7. Its slogan is \"Pentium: redefining mathematics\". \r\n\r\n6. The \"quick reference\" manual is 120 pages long. \r\n\r\n5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. \r\n\r\n4. The screen often displays the message, \"Ain't it break time yet?\" \r\n\r\n3. The manual contains only one sentence: \"Good Luck!\" \r\n\r\n2. The only chip inside is a Dorito. \r\n\r\n1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 10773,
"title": "Top Ten Sign Your Computer Is Bad"
},
{
"body": "There was this biologist who was doing some experiments with frogs. He was measuring just how far frogs could jump. So he puts a frog on a line and says \"Jump frog, jump!\". The frog jumps 2 feet. He writes in his lab book: 'Frog with 4 legs - jumps 2 feet'. \r\n\r\nNext he chops off one of the legs and repeats the experiment. \"Jump frog jump!\" he says. The frog manages to jump 1.5 feet. So he writes in his lab book: 'Frog with 3 legs - jumps 1.5 feet'. \r\n\r\nHe chops off another and the frog only jumps 1 foot. He writes in his book: 'Frog with 2 legs jumps 1 foot'. \r\n\r\nHe continues and removes yet another leg. \" Jump frog jump!\" and the frog somehow jumps a half of a foot. So he writes in his lab book again: 'Frog with one leg - jumps 0.5 feet'. \r\n\r\nFinally he chops off the last leg. He puts the frog on the line and tells it to jump. \"Jump frog, jump!\". The frog doesn't move. \"Jump frog, jump!!!\". Again the frog stays on the line. \"Come on frog, jump!\". But to no avail. \r\n\r\nThe biologist finally writes in his book: 'Frog with no legs - goes deaf'",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10778,
"title": "Biology Experiment"
},
{
"body": "Have you seen the current remake of the movie \"Cape Fear?\" \r\n\r\nIt's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. \r\n\r\nThe question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 10779,
"title": "Horror Movie"
},
{
"body": "Two Potatoes are standing on a street corner. How do you know which one is a hooker?\r\n\r\nIt's the one stamped I-da-Ho (Idaho potato)",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10780,
"title": "Two Potatoes"
},
{
"body": "A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, \"I'm a walking economy.\" \r\n\r\nHis friend replies, \"How's that?\" \r\n\r\n\"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 10783,
"title": "Walking Economy"
},
{
"body": "1. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem. \r\n\r\n2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay. \r\n\r\n3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained. \r\n\r\n4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete. \r\n\r\n5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective. \r\n\r\n6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment. \r\n\r\n7. There would be a cure for stretch marks. \r\n\r\n8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes. \r\n\r\n9. Men wouldn't think twins were so cute. \r\n\r\n10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10784,
"title": "If Men Got Pregnant"
},
{
"body": "I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. \r\n\r\nI was arrested for striking a happy medium.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 10788,
"title": "Psychic"
},
{
"body": "A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. \r\n\r\nMother: \"What does the cow say?\" \r\n\r\nChild: \"Moo!\" \r\n\r\nMother: \"Great! What does the cat say?\" \r\n\r\nChild: \"Meow.\" \r\n\r\nMother: \"Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?\" \r\n\r\nAnd this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, \"Bud.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10789,
"title": "Voices"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar and says, \"Bartender, give me two shots.\" Bartender says, \"You want them both now or one at a time?\" The guy says,\" Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here,\" and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. \r\n\r\nThe bartender asks \"He can drink?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, sure. He can drink.\" \r\n\r\nSo the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. \r\n\r\n\"That's amazing\" says the bartender. \"What else can he do, can he walk?\" \r\n\r\nThe man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, \"Hey, Jake. Go get that.\" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. \r\n\r\nThe bartender is in total shock. \"That's amazing\" he says, \"what else can he do? Does he talk?\" \r\n\r\nThe man says \"Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 10790,
"title": "Short Man"
},
{
"body": "A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a blisteringly hot day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town. \r\n\r\nA rancher rode past. \r\n\r\n\"Say, friend,\" called out one of the men, \"how far is it to the next town?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon,\" called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered. \r\n\r\n\"How far to the next town?\" the men asked him eagerly. \r\n\r\n\"Oh, a good two miles.\" \r\n\r\nA nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. \"Hey, how far's the next town?\" \r\n\r\n\"Not far,\" was the encouraging answer, \"only about two miles.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" sighed the optimistic sergeant, \"thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 10791,
"title": "Two Miles"
},
{
"body": "yo momma's so fat, her blood type is rocky road.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10795,
"title": "Fat"
},
{
"body": "A guy goes into a diner, and when the waitress comes over to take his order, he says, \"I want eggs, toast, and coffee. But make the eggs uncooked, the toast burnt, and the coffee really strong and bad. And I want you to slam the food onto the table and yell at me.\"\r\nThe waitress says \"Why would you want me to something like that?\"\r\nHe replies, \"I'm homesick.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10797,
"title": "Homesick"
},
{
"body": "Q: Where do nudists go fishing?\r\nA: Moon River.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a singing hot dog in New York, New York?\r\nA: Frank Sinatra.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a really smart cow?\r\nA: Grade A beef.\r\n\r\nQ: What song do they play at plumbers' funerals?\r\nA: Taps.\r\n\r\nQ: Where do you take a sick potato?\r\nA: To a M.A.S.H. unit.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10801,
"title": "5 Short Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Their was a very rich old lady that died.Before she died she gave all her money and stuff to her children and grandchildren. She had one thing left to give out. It was a diamond. She said she hid it in a cylinder with squares. A grandchild said he knew where it was.\r\n\r\n Where was it???",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10802,
"title": "The Diamond"
},
{
"body": "Procrastinators meeting tomorrow.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10803,
"title": "Procrastinators"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the zoo elephants called her mom.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10804,
"title": "Mama"
},
{
"body": "A guy goes to work and kills everyone...what is this called...?\r\n\r\n\r\nGoing Postal...",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 10805,
"title": "WTF???"
},
{
"body": "I AM WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS BECAUSE IT MAKES IT SEEM LIKE I AM YELLING IN YOUR HEAD AND I LIKE THE IDEA OF YELLING IN YOUR HEAD. IT MAKES ME FEEL POWERFUL!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10806,
"title": "Power"
},
{
"body": "Mr. Dodgers and the children in the neighbourhood are raking leaves at Mr. Dodger's house. They have three piles of leaves in the back yard, and seven piles of leaves in the front yard. When Mr. Dodgers and the children put all the piles together, how many piles of leaves will they have? \r\n\r\n\r\nJUST ONE BIG PILE!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10807,
"title": "Leaves"
},
{
"body": "A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. \r\n\r\n\"What's going on?\" she yells out the window. \r\n\r\n\"Cow on the track!\" replies the conductor. \r\n\r\nTen minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. \r\n\r\nWithin five minutes, however, it stops again. \r\n\r\nThe woman sees the same conductor walk again. \r\n\r\nShe leans out the window and yells, \"What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10808,
"title": "Cow on the Tracks"
},
{
"body": "Is your dad a baker? Because those buns are lookin' good!\r\n\r\nI lost my phone number, can I have yours?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10809,
"title": "Pick Up Lines"
},
{
"body": "Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. \r\n\r\n\"That's no problem, son,\" said the sergeant. \"Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'.\" \r\n\r\n\"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?\" asked the young (and gullible) recruit. \r\n\r\nThe sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. \"Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'.\" \r\n\r\nThe recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, \"Bangety Bang Bang!\" The German falls dead. \r\n\r\nMore Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes \"Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!\" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. \r\n\r\n\"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. \"Bangety Bang Bang!\" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. \"Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!\" It's no use. \r\n\r\nThe German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, \"Tankety Tank Tank.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 10811,
"title": "Bangety Bang Bang"
},
{
"body": "When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. \r\n\r\nFinally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. \r\n\r\nI was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. \"When you finish cutting the grass,\" I said, \"you might as well sweep the sidewalk.\" \r\n\r\nThe doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10812,
"title": "Lawn Mower"
},
{
"body": "\"Rusty Bed Spings\" by I.P Nitely\r\n\r\n\"Fell off a Cliff\" By Ilene Dover\r\n\r\n\"Bounce of a Brick Wall\" by Rick O'Shey\r\n\r\n\"Mini Skirts\" by Seymour Buttz\r\n\r\n\"Race to the Outhouse\" By Willie Makit\"\r\n\r\nand last but not least\r\n\r\n\"Guide to One Night Stands\" by Juan Teboneya\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10816,
"title": "Redneck Books"
},
{
"body": "There once was a man who had been in a depressed state for months. His dog that he'd had since childhood ran away, his fianc\u00c3\u00a9 ran off the day before their wedding with a woman, he was working a job that was totally unfulfilling, and his house was robbed and his most valuable possesions were plundered. \r\n\r\nOne day, he decided to just end his meaningless existence. He wished to kill himself in the most painful way he could think of. That night, he drove to the zoo, which was closed at that time. The guy simply climbed over the gate at the entrance, unknowingly alerting the half-drunk security officer who was sitting in the ticket window. The man walked over and found the pit where the vicious lions resided. He stood on the edge of the pit and prepared to jump. Before he could, the security officer from before arrived with back-up.\r\n\r\nHe raised his gun and shouted, \"Stop, or we'll shoot!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10820,
"title": "Suicide or Suicide?"
},
{
"body": "My cat is crazy. I had just sat down to eat my hot dog when she jumped in my lap. She scared the crap out of me. I mean, I literally screamed. Then I'm like, \"Whatever.\" and I went back to my hot dog. Then I felt something sharp on my fingers. That stupid thing was biting me! Poor thing just wanted some food.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10821,
"title": "Stupid Cat"
},
{
"body": "There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. \r\n\r\nAfter 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the preacher's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, \"Children are a gift from God,\" he said. Silence fell on the congregation. \r\n\r\nIn the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, \"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.\" And the congregation said, \"Amen.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 10822,
"title": "A Voice From the Back Pew"
},
{
"body": "As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, \"All right! All you idiots fall out.\"\r\n As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.\r\n The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, \"Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10824,
"title": "Fall Out!"
},
{
"body": "A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, \"When you see all the\r\nstars in the sky, what do you think, sir?\"\r\n\r\nThe LT replies, \"Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder\r\nif what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do\r\nyou think of, Sergeant?\"\r\n\r\n\"I think somebody stole the damn tent.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10825,
"title": "Stars"
},
{
"body": "\"Well,\" snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. \r\n\"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, \r\nyou'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.\"\r\n\r\n\"Not me, Chief!\" the Seaman replied. \r\n\"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10826,
"title": "Piss on His Grave"
},
{
"body": "At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, \"Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10827,
"title": "Cancelled"
},
{
"body": "The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase \"secure the building\". \r\n\r\nThe Army will post guards around the place.\r\nThe Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.\r\nThe Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters\r\nThe Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10828,
"title": "Simple Phrase"
},
{
"body": "HAPPINESS IS . . .\r\nInfantry: A good rifle\r\nCavalry: A big tank\r\nArtillery: A loud boom\r\n\r\nUPON HEARING FIREWORKS\r\nInfantry: Cool, just like a live fire exercise\r\nCavalry: Not loud enough\r\nArtillery: Fireworks? What fireworks?\r\n\r\nOTHER TRADES\r\nInfantry: Waste of rations\r\nCavalry: Waste of rations\r\nArtillery: Waste of rations\r\n\r\nIDEA OF FUN\r\nInfantry: Not having to \"pepper-pot\" an entire grid square before the objective\r\nCavalry: Racing across a grid square on \"full stab\"\r\nArtillery: Leveling a grid square\r\n\r\nFAVOURITE SONG\r\nInfantry: \"Ballad of the Green Beret\"\r\nCavalry: \"Purple Haze\"\r\nArtillery: Anything, just play it LOUD!\r\n\r\nBIGGEST LUXURY IN THE FIELD\r\nInfantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with C4\r\nCavalry: Grunts to dig their trenches for them\r\nArtillery: Cable\r\n\r\nA LONG ROUTE MARCH WITH FULL KIT\r\nInfantry: 20 clicks\r\nCavalry: From the hangars to the tank\r\nArtillery: What's a route march?\r\n\r\nOFFICERS\r\nInfantry: Are morons and should stay away from the trenchlines\r\nCavalry: Are morons and should stay out of the vehicles\r\nArtillery: Are morons and should stay away from the gun lines\r\n\r\nFAVORITE MODE OF TRANSPORTATION\r\nInfantry: Anything but walking\r\nCavalry: Tanks. Tanks. Tanks. TankstankstankstanksTANKS!\r\nArtillery: Don't you have to move around to require transport?\r\nDifferences betwee the infantry, cavalry, and artillery.\r\n\r\n\r\nBIGGEST GRIPE IN THE FIELD\r\nInfantry: The weather\r\nCavalry: Coffee maker in tank not working\r\nArtillery: Only having basic cable\r\n\r\nBREAKFAST IN THE FIELD\r\nInfantry: I don't care what it is, just so long as I can sit down to eat it\r\nCavalry: Hot coffee and rum with a beer chaser\r\nArtillery: Eggs over easy, crispy bacon, sausages, toast and Tim Horton's coffee\r\n\r\nWHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES\r\nInfantry: Death Techs\r\nCavalry: Cavalry\r\nArtillery: 10 Mile Snipers",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10830,
"title": "Difference Between"
},
{
"body": "An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 15 kg. pack on his back, 5 kg. weapon in hand, after having marched 15 km, and says, \"This sucks.\"\r\n\r\nAn Army Airborne Ranger stands waist deep in the rain with a 25 kg. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 30 km, and says with a smile, \"This sucks just fine!\"\r\n\r\nA Special Forces soldier lies in the mud, 40 kg pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 km to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 40 km at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, while biting the head of a snake \"This really sucks, I wish it could suck more.....\"\r\n\r\nAn Air Force Pilot flying over the battlefield, the rain is pouring down,\r\nlooks down at the soldiers below and says: \"Sure sucks down there!\"\r\n\r\nAn Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned, carpeted room and says to his friend, \"Man.. Cable's out! This sucks!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10831,
"title": "Difference of \"sucks\""
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock!\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nIrish!\r\n\r\nIrish who?\r\n\r\nIrish I could think of a better joke!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 10832,
"title": "Irish"
},
{
"body": "General\r\n\r\nFaster than a speeding bullet.\r\nMore powerful than a locomotive.\r\nLeaps tall buildings in a single bound.\r\nWalks on water.\r\nLunches with God, but must pick up tab.\r\n\r\nColonel\r\n\r\nAlmost as fast as a speeding bullet.\r\nMore powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.\r\nLeaps short buildings with a single bound.\r\nWalks on water if sea is calm.\r\nTalks to God.\r\n\r\nLieutenant-Colonel\r\n\r\nFaster than an energetically thrown rock.\r\nAlmost as powerful as a speeding bullet.\r\nLeaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.\r\nWalks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.\r\nMay be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.\r\n\r\nMajor\r\n\r\nCan fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.\r\nLoses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.\r\nMakes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.\r\nSwims well.\r\nIs occasionally addressed by God, in passing.\r\n\r\nCaptain\r\n\r\nCan sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.\r\nIs run over by trains.\r\nBarely clears outhouse.\r\nDog paddles.\r\nMumbles to self.\r\n\r\nLieutenant\r\n\r\nIs dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.\r\nRecognizes trains two out of three times.\r\nRuns into tall buildings.\r\nCan stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.\r\nTalks to walls.\r\n\r\n2nd Lieutenant\r\n\r\nCan be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.\r\nMust have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.\r\nFalls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.\r\nPlays in Mud puddles.\r\nStudders.\r\n\r\nOfficer Cadet\r\n\r\nUnder no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.\r\nSays: \"Look at choo choo!\"\r\nNot allowed inside buildings of any size.\r\nMakes good boat anchor.\r\nMere existence makes God shudder.\r\n\r\nSergeant-Major\r\n\r\nCatches hyper sonic armour piercing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.\r\nKicks bullet trains off their tracks.\r\nUproots tall buildings and walk under them.\r\nFreezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.\r\n\r\nIs God.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10833,
"title": "Distinguishing Ranks Easily"
},
{
"body": "One day a blonde was surfing the internet. After a few hours, she decided to have a coffee break.\r\n\r\nWhen the blonde came back, she screamed. There was a bug on her moniter! She ran upstairs and grabbed a fly swatter. When she came back down she couldn't swat the bug. It was to big! \r\n\r\nThe blonde then remembered the label on the computer, for people having technical difficulties. After a while of searching, she found the label. She called the number immediately.\r\n\r\n\"Hello, this is Dell technical difficulties station\", a man on the other side said.\r\n\r\n\"Hey, there's a bug on my monitor, and I tried swatting it, but it won't come off!\" The blonde cried.\r\n\r\nThe man replied, \"Well, the solution is simple. You take the mou-\"\r\n\r\n\"A mouse won't eat a bug this big!\" the blonde said, cutting the man off.\r\n\r\n\"No, no, no! All you have to do is move the mouse, then the screen saver will turn off.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10835,
"title": "Bug on My Monitor!"
},
{
"body": "Rose, a mother of two boys, Jim and Ralph, heard yelling from upstairs. She heard several phrases like \"I got you!\" and \"No, you didn't!\" She ran to see what the yelling was about. It ended up that the two boys were playing cops and robbers, and were trying to shoot each other with their fingers.\r\n\r\n\"Jim! Haven't I taught you not to point! Fake guns are no excuse!\"\r\n\r\n\"...But mum!\" Jim replied after a short pause, \"I'm giving him the thumbs up, too!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10838,
"title": "Pointing is Rude!"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you've ever bought a birthday present out of a vending machine.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10841,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck If..."
},
{
"body": "You know you're a Redneck if.....\r\n\r\n1. Your child's night-light is a neon beer sign.\r\n\r\n2. The only running water in your house comes through the ceiling.\r\n\r\n3. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.\r\n\r\n4. All your kids toys came free with a Happy Meal.\r\n\r\n5. When you fill your car with gas, it's worth doubles.\r\n\r\n6. You start a fight in a bar and your wife finishes it.\r\n\r\n7. Your kids favourite bedtime story is \"Curious George and the Electric fence\"\r\n\r\n8. You and your wife's family reunions are one and the same.\r\n\r\n9. The Glamour Shots people give you your money back.\r\n\r\n and last of all....\r\n\r\n You know you're a redneck if\r\n\r\n10.The FBI has more pictures of your family than you do.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10842,
"title": "My Favourite Redneck Jokes"
},
{
"body": "You are a legal heir to a fireworks stand.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10843,
"title": "You Know You're a Redneck If 1."
},
{
"body": "Local cops know you by your nickname.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10844,
"title": "You Know You're a Redneck If 2"
},
{
"body": "You get homesick watching cops on TV.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10845,
"title": "You Know You're a Redneck If 3"
},
{
"body": "Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10846,
"title": "You Know You're a Redneck If 4"
},
{
"body": "Your parrot can say, \"Open up, it's the police!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10847,
"title": "You Know You're a Redneck If 4"
},
{
"body": "You used a cheat sheet during your hunter's safety test.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10848,
"title": "You Know Your a Redneck If 5"
},
{
"body": "Your current wife was a bridesmaid at your first wedding.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10849,
"title": "You Know You're a Redneck If 5"
},
{
"body": "Sing this to the tune of \"On top of old oaky from \"That's so Raven\".\r\n\r\nOn top of Mount Fuji,\r\nAll covered in blood,\r\nI shot poor Barney\r\nWith a 45 stud.\r\n\r\nHe went to the hospital.\r\nHe wasn't quite dead.\r\nSo I took a machine gun,\r\nAnd blew off his head\r\n\r\nI went to his funeral.\r\nI went to his grave.\r\nSome people threw flowers,\r\nBut i threw a grenade\r\n\r\nTaDa!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10851,
"title": "On Top of Mount Fuji"
},
{
"body": "(Not for Muffin Man luvers)\r\n\r\nDo you know the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man?\r\nDo you know the muffin man who lives on Dreary lane?\r\n\r\nI just shot the muffin man, the mufifn man, the muffin man.\r\nI just shot the muffin man who lives on Dreary Lane.\r\n\r\nI shot him with a 20 gauge, a 20 gauge, a 20 gauge\r\nI shot him with a 20 gauge, and now he's dead.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10852,
"title": "Muffin Man"
},
{
"body": "One day, in a hospital, a doctor walked into a womans room, looking very serious. \"There's something wrong with your baby\", he said. the woman bolted upright. \"Tell me! What's wrong with my baby?\" The doctor looked her straight in the eye and told her, \"Your child is a hermaphrodite.\" \"A herma-whatta?\" she asked. \"The baby has the, um, most important parts of both a boy and a girl.\" The woman turned pale. It was silent for a few moments, and she said, \"So, you're saying its a guy with a brain?!?!?!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10853,
"title": "The Hermaphrodite"
},
{
"body": "I don't get why we teach little kids the popular saying \r\n\"Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.\" \r\nAnd we wonder what is with all the violence? I mean come on that's like 100% emo.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10854,
"title": "Promises"
},
{
"body": "This couple, my mom is friends with at work, just had a baby. The wife, Emily, told Dave, her husband, there needed to be some cutbacks on beer to save money for diapers and such. Dave was very disapointed, as could be imagined, but realized it was for the good of their child. One afternoon Emily walks through the door, with bags of makeup and pretty clothes. Dave politely asked Emily why she was spending money on cosmetics, and he was restricted from beer. She responded causually, \"This is for you honey. It makes me pretty.\" Naturally, Dave responded, \"That's what the beer was for.\" Since then, he has been kicked out of the house, and lives in our basement.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10855,
"title": "The Married Life"
},
{
"body": "50\u00c2\u00b0 Fahrenheit (10\u00c2\u00b0 C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens.\r\n\r\n35\u00c2\u00b0 Fahrenheit (1.6\u00c2\u00b0 C) - Italian Cars won't start. Canadians drive withthe windows down.\r\n\r\n32\u00c2\u00b0 Fahrenheit (0 \u00c2\u00b0 C) American water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.\r\n\r\n0\u00c2\u00b0 Fahrenheit (-17.9\u00c2\u00b0 C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season\r\n\r\n-60\u00c2\u00b0 Fahrenheit (-51\u00c2\u00b0 C) Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.\r\n\r\n-100\u00c2\u00b0 Fahrenheit (-73\u00c2\u00b0 C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadianspull down their ear flaps.\r\n\r\n-173\u00c2\u00b0 Fahrenheit (-114\u00c2\u00b0 C) Ethyl alcohol Freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.\r\n\r\n-460\u00c2\u00b0 Fahrenheit (-273\u00c2\u00b0 C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying \"cold, eh?\"\r\n\r\n-500\u00c2\u00b0 Fahrenhei t (-295\u00c2\u00b0 C) Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10857,
"title": "The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart"
},
{
"body": "You think \"Going the extra mile\" means using toothpaste.\r\n\r\nYou take a bar of soap to your local pool.\r\n\r\nYour dentures have fillings.\r\n\r\nYour idea of conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.\r\n\r\nYour wife has ever burnt out an electric razor.\r\n\r\nYour medical plan is not to get sick.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10858,
"title": "You Know You're a Redneck If..."
},
{
"body": "You know your a redneck if...\r\n\r\nYou tell your kids the facts of life and they interrupt you with corrections.\r\n\r\nYou've ever given your date flowers from a cemetery.\r\n\r\nYou proposed at Denny's.\r\n\r\nThe biggest compliment you got at your wedding was how cute your baby was.\r\n\r\nYou had a marriage license before you had a drivers license.\r\n\r\nYou've ever reused wedding invitations.\r\n\r\nThe last thing your ex-wife ever said to you was \"It's me or them dogs.\"\r\n\r\nIf your wedding invitations ever said \"same time same place.\"\r\n\r\nAt your wedding reception you put Alka-Seltzer in cheap wine to get \"Champagne.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10860,
"title": "You Know Your a Redneck If.. on Marriage"
},
{
"body": "As an insult you could say \"You know, most of you weight comes from all that make-up your wearing!\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10861,
"title": "Make Up"
},
{
"body": "Here are two pick up lines:\r\n\r\n\"Are you a Abercrombie model? Your not?!?!? You so should be!!\"\r\n\r\n\r\nor\r\n\r\n\r\n\"My friend (insert friend name here) thinks we should go out. Wanna?\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10862,
"title": "Pick Up Lines"
},
{
"body": "Birdie Birdie in the sky,\r\nDropped some white stuff in my eye.\r\nI'm a big girl, I won't cry.\r\nI'm just glad that cows don't fly!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 10864,
"title": "Birdie"
},
{
"body": "One day, a blond and her male co-worker are sitting in the lunch room, and the guy says, \"I can't take anymore today, I am going home!\" The blond replies, \"You can't just get up and leave. You'll be fired!\". \"Not to worry, I am going to be sent home. I have an idea.\" the guy says and leaves the room.\r\n\r\nThe blond finishes her lunch and heads back into work, to see her co-worker hanging upside down from the ceiling, yelling over and over, \"I'm a lightbulb!\". The owner hears this and comes down. He takes one look at the guy, hanging upside down, yelling he is a lightbulb, and sends him home for the rest of the day, with pay, so he can rest, because he has obviously been working to hard.\r\n\r\nThe guy gets down off the ceiling, thanks the owner and leaves.\r\n\r\nThe blond turns around and starts to leave. The owner yells to her, \"Hey where the heck do you think you are going?\" The blond replies, \"I'm going home. You can't expect me to work in the dark!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10867,
"title": "Getting Out of Work"
},
{
"body": "I sprayed my dog with spot remover. Now he is gone.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10868,
"title": "Dog"
},
{
"body": "Jack and Jill\r\nwent up the hill \r\neach with a buck and a quarter\r\nJill came down with $2.50. They didn't go up for water!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10869,
"title": "Jack and Jill"
},
{
"body": "There was a man who went to buy some guns. The salesman at the store asked what he wanted to shoot. He said, \"Cans\" So the salesman asked, \"What kind of cans?\" \"Ameri-cans, Afri-cans,,,,\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10870,
"title": "Cans"
},
{
"body": "A man and a woman have a child, and they need a crib, so they go to a crib factory store. This family is really poor, and they can only find cribs for $300. Then they find a crib for $20. They go up to the cashier and ask why. The cashier says its because it is cursed. The man and woman ask how it is cursed. The cashier replies, \"After the 1st week of owning the crib, the mother of the child will die. After the 2nd week of owning the crib the child will die. And after the 3rd week the father of the child will die.(remember that last sentance)\r\nThe man and woman decide they don't believe the cashier, so they buy the crib anyway. A week goes by, and the woman dies. The man weeps. Another week goes by, and the child dies. The man weeps even more. Another week goes by, and the man trips over the dead mailman in front of his house.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10874,
"title": "Crib Factory"
},
{
"body": "1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. \r\n\r\n2. In the memo field of all your checks, write \"for sensual massage.\" \r\n\r\n3. Specify that your drive-through order is \"to go.\" \r\n\r\n4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of \"Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip...\" \r\n\r\n5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.\r\n\r\n6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <\r\n\r\n7. Speak only in a \"robot\" voice. \r\n\r\n8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. \r\n\r\n9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will \"swipe your grub\". \r\n\r\n10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. \r\n\r\n11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. \r\n\r\n12. Sniffle incessantly.\r\n\r\n13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. \r\n\r\n14. Name your dog \"Dog.\" 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions \"to keep them tuned up.\" \r\n\r\n16. Reply to everything someone says with \"that's what YOU think.\" \r\n\r\n17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your \"astronaut training.\" \r\n\r\n18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for \"violating your airspace\".\r\n\r\n19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a \"real hoot.\" \r\n\r\n20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. \r\n\r\n21. Practice making fax and modem noises. \r\n\r\n22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and \"cc:\" them to your boss. \r\n\r\n23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. \r\n\r\n24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. \r\n\r\n25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a \"spider person.\" \r\n\r\n26. Finish all your sentences with the words \"in accordance with the prophesy.\" \r\n\r\n27. Wear a special hip holster for your\r\nremote control. \r\n\r\n28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. \r\n\r\n29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. \r\n\r\n30. Disassemble your pen and \"accidentally\" flip the ink cartridge across the room. \r\n\r\n31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. \r\n\r\n32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. \r\n\r\n33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you \"like it that way.\" \r\n\r\n34. Drum on every available surface. \r\n\r\n35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. \r\n\r\n36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. \r\n\r\n37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. \r\n\r\n38. Sew anti-theft detector strips\r\ninto peoples backpacks.\r\n\r\n39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. \r\n\r\n40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.\r\n\r\n41. Set alarms for random times. \r\n\r\n42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. \r\n\r\n43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.\r\n\r\n44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a \"croaking\" noise. \r\n\r\n45. Honk and wave to strangers. \r\n\r\n46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. \r\n\r\n47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. \r\n\r\n48. Tape pieces of \"Sweating to the Oldies\" over climactic parts of rental movies. \r\n\r\n49. Wear your pants backwards. \r\n\r\n50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. \r\n\r\n51. Begin all your sentences with \"ooh la la!\" \r\n\r\n52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. \r\n\r\n53. only type in lowercase. \r\n\r\n54. dont use any punctuation either \r\n\r\n55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. \r\n\r\n56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. \r\n\r\n57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. \r\n\r\n58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. \r\n\r\n59. Write \"X - BURIED TREASURE\" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. \r\n\r\n60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. \r\n\r\n61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: \"Do you hear that?\" \"What?\" \"Never mind, its gone now.\" \r\n\r\n62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. \r\n\r\n63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. \r\n\r\n64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. \r\n\r\n65. Demand that everyone address you as \"Conquistador.\" \r\n\r\n66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.\r\n\r\n67. When Christmas caroling, sing \"Jingle Bells, Batman smells\" until physically restrained. \r\n\r\n68. Wear a cape that says \"Magnificent One.\" \r\n\r\n69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. \r\n\r\n70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.\r\n\r\n71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. \r\n\r\n72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce \"no, wait, I messed it up,\" and repeat. \r\n\r\n73. Drive half a block. \r\n\r\n74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.\r\n\r\n75. Ask people what gender they are. \r\n\r\n76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.\r\n\r\n77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. \r\n\r\n78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off \"in case the big one comes\". \r\n\r\n79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as \"Feliz Navidad\", the Archies \"Sugar\" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. \r\n\r\n80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. \r\n\r\n81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. \r\n\r\n82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.\r\n\r\n83. Change your name to \"AaJohn Aaaaasmith\" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each \"a.\"\r\n\r\n84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. \r\n\r\n85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. \r\n\r\n86. Wear a LOT of cologne. \r\n\r\n87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your \"superior mental processing.\" \r\n\r\n88. Sing along at the opera.\r\n\r\n89. Mow your lawn with scissors. \r\n\r\n90. At a golf tournament, chant \"swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!\" \r\n\r\n91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your \"imaginary friend.\" \r\n\r\n92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. \r\n\r\n93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something \r\nabout \"psychological profiles.\" \r\n\r\n94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a \"magic picture.\" \r\n\r\n95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. \r\n\r\n96. Never make eye contact. \r\n\r\n97. Never break eye contact. \r\n\r\n98. Construct elaborate \"crop circles\" in your front lawn.\r\n\r\n99. Construct your own pretend \"tricorder,\" and \"scan\" people with it, announcing the results. \r\n\r\n100. Make appointments for the 31st of September. \r\n\r\n101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10876,
"title": "101 Ways to Annoy People"
},
{
"body": "One time, when there was a hope for mankind, some blonds appeared in front of a judge. The judge said, \"You can either have world peace or keep your cellular phones and get electrocuted.\"\r\n\r\nSo the blond takes out her cellular phone and the judge says; \"What are you doing?\" and she simply says; \"Im phoning a friend.\"\r\n\r\nNow I'm not sure what happened after that because no one saw this blond ever again!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10880,
"title": "Cellular Phone"
},
{
"body": "One day a little boy and a little girl are outside playing together and they get into an argument.\r\n\r\nThe little boy holds up an army man and says \" I bet you don't have one of these!\"\r\n\r\nThe little girl finds her army man and holds it up \"Yes I do!\" she says in a superior tone.\r\n\r\nThe little boy looks through his toys and holds up a dump truck and says \"Well I bet you don't have one of these!\"\r\n\r\nOnce again the little girl looks through her toys and finds a dump truck and holds it up and says \"Oh yes I do!\" in a superior tone.\r\n\r\nThe little boy is starting to get mad so he looks through his toys and finally finds a cap gun. He holds it up and yells \"Well I bet you don't have one of these!\"\r\n\r\nThe little girl finds her cap gun and holds it up \"Oh yes I do!\" in a very snooty voice.\r\n\r\nAt this point the little boy has had it so he stands up and whips his pants down to his knees and points to his crotch and proclaims \"Well I know you don't have one of these!!\" \r\n\r\nThe little girl gets up looks down the front of her pants and then runs home crying.\r\n\r\nThe next day the little boy and little girl are playing again and once again they go through the routine with the army man, the dump truck and the cap gun.\r\nThe little boy jumps up with a big smile on his face and whips his pants down to his kness points and his crotch and says \"Well I know you don't have one of these, SO THERE!\"\r\n\r\nThe little girl immediatley jumps up pulls her pants down and points at her crotch and says \"Well I might not have one of those, but my mommy told me that with one of these I can get one of those anytime I want one!!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10881,
"title": "The Difference Between..."
},
{
"body": "A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor. \r\n\r\n\"Doc,\" the frustrated commuter complained, \"I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode.\" \r\n\r\nWithout further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment. \r\n\r\n\"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?\" \r\n\r\n\"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common.\" \r\n\r\n\"Tell me! What is it?\" \r\n\r\n\"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10884,
"title": "Tunnels"
},
{
"body": "Two blondes were building a house. One saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that this was weird and decided to look into. \r\n\r\n\"Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, when I pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, I nail it in. If it is facing away from the house, it is defective and I throw it away.\" \r\n\r\n\"You idiot, those nails aren't defective, they are for the other side of the house.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10885,
"title": "Two Blondes"
},
{
"body": "A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. \"I think it's raining,\" he said to his wife. \r\n\r\n\"No, that felt more like snow to me,\" she replied. \r\n\r\n\"No, I'm sure it was just rain,\" he said. \r\n\r\nWell, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them. \r\n\r\n\"Let's not fight about it,\" the man said, \"Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.\" \r\n\r\nAs the official approached, the man said, \"Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?\" \r\n\r\n\"It's raining, of course,\" he replied, and walked on. \r\n\r\nBut the woman insisted: \"I know that felt like snow!\" to which the man quietly replied: \"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10888,
"title": "Rudolph"
},
{
"body": "The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. \r\n\r\nAfter explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, \"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?\" \r\n\r\nAfter a confused silence, a voice volunteered, \"I guess you'd be eating alone.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10892,
"title": "Lunch"
},
{
"body": "How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nDon't worry about the changes, we'll fake it!\r\n\r\n\r\nNote: In jazz, the chord changes are what dictates the improvisation of the music.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 10893,
"title": "Jazz Musicians"
},
{
"body": "A wife was in the kitchen making the boiled eggs for breakfast when her husband walked in and asked, \"What's for breakfast?\"\r\nShe turned to him and said, \"You've got to make love to me this very moment.\"\r\nHe, thinking it's his lucky day, stood her over the kitchen table and they had sex. Afterwards he asked, \"What was that all about?\"\r\nShe answered, \"The egg timer's broken!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10896,
"title": "Right Now!"
},
{
"body": "A man is running out of his large office building when his boss spots him and asks him what he is doing. \r\nThe man replies, \"My wife called me and she says she is going to jump out our window and commit suicide.\"\r\nThe boss realizes that this is a good excuse, but says, \"Well, by the time you get home, won't it be too late?\"\r\nThe man says, \"Nah, I'm just going to open the window for her.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10899,
"title": "Suicide"
},
{
"body": "A man was stopped at a red light when a fantastic looking blonde pulled up beside him in a really hot Mustang convertible. Trying to start a conversation, the man asked, \"Hey,..... how many horses you got under the hood?\" The blonde looked at the man bewildered, and replied, \"Well,.... there's one on the left side, one on the right side, ....... and oh yeah, there's one on the front of the car. I guess there's only three.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10901,
"title": "Mustang Convertible"
},
{
"body": "A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters \"UFO\" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with \r\nshock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off. \"Do you realize what just happened?\" the station owner finally \r\nuttered. \"Yeah,\" said the blonde attendant. \"So?\" \r\n\"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!\" \r\n\"Yeah,\" repeated the blonde. \"So?\" \"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!\" \"Yeah,\" repeated the blonde attendant. \"So?\" \"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!\" The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. \"Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10902,
"title": "Gas Station-UFO"
},
{
"body": "Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? \r\n\r\nWhy do people who know the least know it the loudest? \r\n\r\nIf the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? \r\n\r\nIf a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? \r\n\r\nWhen it rains, why don't sheep shrink? \r\n\r\nShould vegetarians eat animal crackers? \r\n\r\nWhen companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? \r\n\r\nIf you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10903,
"title": "A Few Questions"
},
{
"body": "The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, \"You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.\" \r\n\r\nOn her next visit the psychiatrist asked, \"Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" the boy's mother answered. \r\n\r\n\"And how is your son now?\" the psychiatrist asked. \r\n\r\n\"Who cares?\" the mother replied.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 10904,
"title": "It's Unhealthy to be Upset"
},
{
"body": "\"Congratulations my boy!\" said the groom's uncle. \"I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.\" \r\n\r\n\"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow,\" protested his nephew. \r\n\r\n\"I know,\" replied the uncle.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10906,
"title": "Happiest Day"
},
{
"body": "It was the interval at the Opera when Mrs. Sternberg rose from her seat and called: \"Is there a doctor in the house? Is there a doctor in the house?!\" \r\n\r\nA man in a tuxedo pushed his way towards her. \"I'm a doctor\" he said. \r\n\r\n\"Oh, doctor,\" she said, \"Have I got just the loveliest daughter for you....\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10907,
"title": "Opera House"
},
{
"body": "A huge black man entered in a bar with a huge and colorful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender was amazed, so he asked \"Where did you get that thing?\" \r\n\r\nThen the parrot said, \"Well they're walking all over Africa...\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 10910,
"title": "Where Did You Get that Thing?"
},
{
"body": "Little Billy is at home and his mom is in the shower. Billy walks in on her and sees her breasts and says \"Mommy what are those?\" His mom replies, \"Well, Billy, those are my headlights.\" \"Oh\" says Billy. Then he looks down between her legs and sees hair there. \"Mommy, what is that?\" he asks. His mom thinks a bit, then says, \"Billy, that is my lawn\". \r\n\"Oh, i see,\" says Billy, and he goes back downstairs.\r\n\r\nLater in the day, Billy's dad is in the shower and Billy walks in on him, and sees his penis. \"Daddy, what is that long thing?\" asks Billy. His dad, having already spoken to his mom, is well prepared and responds, \"Well, Billy, that is my snake.\" Billy says, \"Oh, ok dad\" and then goes down stairs.\r\n\r\nLater that night, when Billy is in bed, he hears noises coming from his parents bedroom, and goes to see what is going on. Upon walking into the room, Billy yells out, \"MOMMY MOMMY, QUICK TURN YOUR HEADLIGHTS ON! DADDY'S SNAKE IS IN YOUR GRASS!\"\r\n\r\nThis is why when you make love and have children in the house make sure to lock the door!.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10911,
"title": "Hey Mommy"
},
{
"body": "Q - Why do women have nipples?\r\nA - Because, if they didn't, boobs would be pointless",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 10912,
"title": "Nipples"
},
{
"body": "Everybody who has a dog calls it something like \"Rover\" or \"Spot\" or \"Bruno\" But I thought I'd call my dog \"Sex.\"\r\n\r\nNow my dog, Sex, has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the city hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, \"I'd like to have one too\". Then I said, \"But this is a dog.\" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, \"You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old.\" He said that I must have been quite a kid.\r\n\r\nWhen I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with us. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the hotel was for sex. So I finally said, \"You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.\" The clerk said, \"Me too.\"\r\n\r\nOne day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. \"But you don't understand,\" I told him, \"I had hoped to have Sex on TV.\" HE called me a show-off.\r\n\r\nWhen my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I told the judge, \"Your honor, I had Sex before I was married.\" The judge said, \"Me too.\" Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, \"Me too.\"\r\n\r\nLast night Sex ran away. I spent hours looking for him around town. A cop came over to me and asked, \"What are you doing in this alley at four o'clock in the morning?\" I told him, \"I'm looking for Sex.\"\r\n\r\nMy trial comes up Friday :-(",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10913,
"title": "My Dog Sex"
},
{
"body": "A blond had a crazy idea one day to skip school, so she decided to try her luck. The day went by fine and she had a good day at the mall. A few days later, she gets a note saying she has to go to the office to talk about the day she was gone. She was very paranoid and afraid of what might happen. When she got to the office the counselor asked her to sit down, and said, \"You never picked up your pictures that we gave out on the day you were absent.\" The blond replies, \"Oh, is that all you called me down for? I thought you had found out I skipped school that day!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10914,
"title": "Caught"
},
{
"body": "A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, \"Johnny, is there anything wrong\"? \r\n\r\nThe boy replied, \"No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church\". \r\n\r\nThe teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. \r\n\r\nJohnny replied, \"Yes teacher, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us\".",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 10916,
"title": "Fishing"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so fat she farted and caused global warming",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10921,
"title": "Global Warming"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if for your prom you wore a strapless dress but wore a bra that wasn't.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10926,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck If...2"
},
{
"body": "One day, there was a powerful slide, and when you go down on it, you wish for something and you get it. One guy goes down the slide, and says, \"A pot of gold,\" and he gets it. Another guy goes down and says, \"A pot of silver,\" and he gets it. The third guy says, \"Weeee,\" and he gets a pot of wee!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10927,
"title": "The Magic Slide"
},
{
"body": "One time, my teacher said to dump our Math books. Then she said to get your Social Studies book. Then that became history.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10928,
"title": "Books"
},
{
"body": "Barbie \r\nc/o Mattel, Inc. \r\nEl Segundo, CA 90245 \r\n\r\nTo: Santa Claus \r\nNorth Pole, North Pole \r\n\r\nDear Santa: \r\n\r\n Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list! \r\n\r\n1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt? \r\n\r\n2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! \r\n\r\n3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Heck, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct. \r\n\r\n4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. \r\n \r\n\r\n5. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec! \r\n\r\n6. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe \"PMS Barbie\", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; \"Animal Rights Barbie\", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or \"Stop Smoking Barbie,\" sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. \r\n\r\n7. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. \r\n\r\n8. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it. \r\n\r\nOk, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new barbie for next Christmas. \r\n\r\nIt's that simple. \r\n\r\nYours truly, \r\nBarbie",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10930,
"title": "Barbie's Christmas Letter To Santa"
},
{
"body": "A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, \"So I hear you're getting married?\"\r\n\"Yep!\"\r\n\r\n\"Do I know her?\"\r\n\"Nope!\"\r\n\r\n\"This woman, is she good looking?\"\r\n\"Not really.\"\r\n\r\n\"Is she a good cook?\"\r\n\"Naw, she can't cook too well.\"\r\n\r\n\"Does she have lots of money?\"\r\n\"Nope! Poor as a church mouse.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, then, is she good in bed?\"\r\n\"I don't know.\"\r\n\r\n\"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?\"\r\n\"Because she can still drive!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10932,
"title": "I Do Again?"
},
{
"body": "Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the\r\ndoctor spoke to Morris and said, \"You're really doing great, aren't you?\" Morris replied, \"Just doing what you said, Doc, 'Get a hot momma and be cheerful.'\"\r\nThe doctor said, \"I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 10933,
"title": "Physical"
},
{
"body": "A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream\r\nparlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, \"Crushed nuts?\"\r\n\"No,\" he replied, \"Arthritis.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 10934,
"title": "Banana Split"
},
{
"body": "I'm so old, I woke up the other morning and thought I had an erection. I was really happy until I realized it was just a leg cramp!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10935,
"title": "Old Age"
},
{
"body": "Once I asked a guy, \" Do you love me, or is that a banana in your pocket?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10936,
"title": "Do You Love Me?"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you think cauliflower is a phone dating service for flowers.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10937,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck If...3"
},
{
"body": "You've tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.\r\n\r\nYou name your car the General Lee.\r\n\r\nYou see a sign that says \"bridge out\" and you try to jump it.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10938,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck If...4"
},
{
"body": "Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.\r\n\r\nMarriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.\r\n\r\nMarriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.\r\n\r\nMarriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.\r\n\r\nMarriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.\r\n\r\nMarriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.\r\n\r\nMarriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10939,
"title": "Marriage Facts"
},
{
"body": "I always wondered why there are so many blond jokes,but no brunettes. I asked a brunette friend of mine.\r\n\r\n\"Why do you think there are no brunette jokes?\" I asked her.\r\n\r\n\"Well,that's a given. Blonds are too stupid to make them up.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10940,
"title": "Brunette Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Knock,knock!\r\nWho's there?\r\nKing!\r\nKing who?\r\nKing Kong is now part of China.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 10941,
"title": "King..."
},
{
"body": "Why is a circle so hot????\r\n\r\nBecause it's 360 degrees!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10942,
"title": "Circles"
},
{
"body": "Patient:\"Doctor,my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.\"\r\n\r\nPsychiatrist: \"Rubbish! I like sausages too.\"\r\n\r\nPatient: Good,you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10943,
"title": "Sausage-Collection"
},
{
"body": "Doctor: \"Does it hurt when you do this?\"\r\n\r\nPatient: \"Yes\" \r\n\r\nDoctor: \"Well, you shouldn't do it then.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 10944,
"title": "Does it Hurt?"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock!\r\nWho's there?\r\nA chu.\r\nA chu who?\r\nBless you!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 10947,
"title": "A Chu"
},
{
"body": "Why wasn't the giraffe invited to the party?\r\nHe was a pain in the neck to talk to.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10948,
"title": "Giraffe"
},
{
"body": "One day at class, Mrs. Stryo has a storytelling contest. She tells the class that the boy or girl with the best story will get a bag of candy.\r\n\r\nJay, a clever boy, thinks of a story.\r\n\r\n\"One day, there is a storm.\" He begins. \"Someone's house gets ripped apart by this storm, leaving furniture scattered on the ground.\"\r\n\r\n\"One old man survives this storm. He trys to rebuild the house that was torn apart.\"\r\n\r\n\"He almost suceeds. Three months later, after spending all of his money trying to rebuild the house, another storm comes and rips it apart again. Everything is scattered around again.\"\r\n\r\n\"So that man trys again to build a house. Six months later, he spends a further few hundred dollars building up his house. And again, another storm comes and rips up his house. Now he had a few hundred dollars in debt.\"\r\n\r\n\"After a few more trials, and increasing his debt to a few thousand bucks, he gives up. The next storm comes and rips apart the remains of his furniture.\"\r\n\r\n\"So he gets a job mowing lawns. He has no clue how to use a lawnmower and breaks it. He then gets a job raking leaves.\"\r\n\r\n\"So he spends the rest of his life raking leaves and shoveling snow for a few bucks a day. And those few bucks were payed to the bank.\"\r\n\r\n\"Ten years later, he dies of a heart attack. He still has two thousand dollars in debt. His family pays it off, then become poor themselves, and spend the rest of their lives raking leaves and shoveling snow for a few dollars a day.\"\r\n\r\nThe class applauds uncertainly, wondering about the story.\r\n\r\nMrs. Stryo asks, \"What weas the point of that story, Jay?\"\r\n\r\n\"One person's misfortune is another person's entertainment.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10949,
"title": "Storytime!"
},
{
"body": "Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. \r\n\r\nFortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. \r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry sir,\" the first trooper told the driver, \"but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.\" \r\n\r\nAmazed, the driver asked for what. \r\n\r\nThe trooper replied, \"Tacks evasion.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 10954,
"title": "Ticket"
},
{
"body": "How do you keep a black man from jumping on your bed?\r\n-Put velcro on the ceiling.\r\n\r\nWhy don't black people dream anymore?\r\n-Because the last one that did got shot.\r\n\r\nHow do you keep five black men from raping a white woman?\r\n-Give them a basketball.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call black ladies' abortions?\r\n-Crimestoppers\r\n\r\nWhat do you say if you see your tv floating in the middle of the night?\r\n-\"Drop it nigga!\"\r\n\r\nWhats wrong with four Mexicans dying in an Impala?\r\n-An Impala can hold five.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 10955,
"title": "Warning... These are Racist Jokes...."
},
{
"body": "If you name your kids after dead family pets you just might be a redneck!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10962,
"title": "Another Redneck Joke"
},
{
"body": "One day, a man goes to a hotel. There is only one room left; room #30. Wondering what was the problem with that room, he agrees to use that room and is shown the room. He is left with a warning: To never look under the rug.\r\n\r\nThat night, he can't sleep. He's wondering what's under the rug. So he gets up, and peeks under the rug.\r\n\r\nIt's a trapdoor. \"OK, I can live with that,\" he says to himself, and goes to bed.\r\n\r\nThe next night, he can't sleep. He's wondering what's under the trapdoor. So he gets up, removes the rug, and opens the trapdoor.\r\n\r\nHe sees a really, really long staircase. \"OK, I can\r\nlive with that,\" he says to himself, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed.\r\n\r\nThe next night, he can't sleep. He's wondering what's after the staircase. So he gets up, removes the rug, opens the trapdoor, and climbs down the staircase for days and days and days.\r\n\r\nHe sees a long hallway. \"OK, I can live with that,\" he says to himself, and he climbs up the staircase for days and days and days, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed.\r\n\r\nThe next night, he can't sleep. He's wondering what's at the end of the hallway. So he gets up, removes the rug, opens the trapdoor, climbs down the staircase for days and days and days, and climbs down down the hallway for days and days and days.\r\n\r\nThere is a meadow at the end. \"OK, I can live with that,\" he says to himself, and runs down the hallway for days and days and days, climbs up the staircase for days and days and days, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed.\r\n\r\nThe next night...(now you know how everything is going to go xD).. he can't sleep. He is wondering what is at the other side of the meadow. So, he gets up, removes the rug, opens the trapdoor, climbs down to staircase for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, and runs across the meadow for days and days and days.\r\n\r\nThere is a lake. \"OK, I can live with that,\" he says to himself, and runs across the meadow for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, climbs up the staircase for days and days and days, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed.\r\n\r\nThe next night he can't sleep. He is wondering what is at the other side of the lake. So, he gets up, removes the rug, opens the trapdoor, climbs down to staircase for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, and runs across the meadow for days and days and days, and swims across the lake for days and days and days.\r\n\r\nThere is a forest. \"OK, I can live with that,\" he says to himself, and swims across the lake for days and days and days, runs across the meadow for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, climbs up the staircase for days and days and days, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed.\r\n\r\nThe next night he can't sleep. He is wondering what is in the forest. So, he gets up, removes the rug, opens the trapdoor, climbs down to staircase for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, and runs across the meadow for days and days and days, swims across the lake for days and days and days, and wanders through the forest for days and days and days.\r\n\r\nThere is a really tall tree. \"OK, I can live with that,\" he says to himself, and wanders back through the forest for days and days and days, swims across the lake for days and days and days, runs across the meadow for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, climbs up the staircase for days and days and days, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed.\r\n\r\nThe next night he can't sleep. He is wondering what is in on top of the tree. So, he gets up, removes the rug, opens the trapdoor, climbs down to staircase for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, and runs across the meadow for days and days and days, swims across the lake for days and days and days, and wanders through the forest for days and days and days, and climbs the tall tree for days and days and days.\r\n\r\nThere is a monkey with a sign around its neck saying \"DO NOT POKE THE MONKEY\". \"OK, I can live with that,\" he says to himself, and climbs down the tree for days and days and days, wanders back through the forest for days and days and days, swims across the lake for days and days and days, runs across the meadow for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, climbs up the staircase for days and days and days, closes the trapdoor, replaces the rug, and goes to bed.\r\n\r\nThe next night he can't sleep. He is wondering what would happen if he poked the monkey. So, he gets up, removes the rug, opens the trapdoor, climbs down to staircase for days and days and days, runs down the hallway for days and days and days, and runs across the meadow for days and days and days, swims across the lake for days and days and days, and wanders through the forest for days and days and days, and climbs the tall tree for days and days and days.\r\n\r\nAND HE POKES THE MONKEY.\r\n\r\nAnd the monkey wakes up. He is an angry monkey. He starts to chase after the man, who climbs down the tree. The monkey is pretty far behind him.\r\n\r\nHe runs through the forest, and the monkey is starting to get closer.\r\n\r\nHe swam frantically through the lake and the monkey is getting closer and closer.\r\n\r\nHe bolts through the meadow. The monkey is catching up.\r\n\r\nHe sprints through the hallway and the monkey is just behind him.\r\n\r\nHe scrambles up the staircase and the monkey is almost there...\r\n\r\nHe jumps out of the trapdoor and before he can close it the monkey leaps out too...\r\n\r\nHe runs to his bed and hides.. the monkey comes up....\r\n\r\n(The man is pale with fear at this point)\r\n\r\nPokes him...\r\n\r\nAnd he says.......\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\"Tag, you're it!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10963,
"title": "I Can Live With That!"
},
{
"body": "A girl was eating lunch in the cafeteria and she was laughing and talking to all friends. But as you know, it is very distracting to talk while you're eating. \r\n\r\nSo she goes to put a french fry into her mouth and before anyone notices, she looks down because, you guessed it, she missed her mouth. Turns out everyone at the table had seen her do it. As the table bursts out laughing, someone says, \"I do that all the time. I go to take a drink of water and I miss.\" Someone else said, \"You have a hole in your lip.\" From the other end of the table someone yells \"Who has a whore on their cheek?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10964,
"title": "Hole"
},
{
"body": "It is amazing how politicians can fit all their good points in a 30 second TV commercial.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 10965,
"title": "30 Seconds"
},
{
"body": "A guy goes in an adult book store and asks for an inflatable doll.\r\n\r\nGuy behind the counter says, \"Male or female?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer says, \"Female.\"\r\n\r\nCounter guy asks, \"Black or white?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer says, \"White.\"\r\n\r\nCounter guy asks, \"Radical Christian or Muslim Extremist?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer says, \"What the hell does religion have to do with it?\"\r\n\r\nCounter guy says, \"The Muslim Extremist blows itself up.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 10967,
"title": "Inflatable Doll"
},
{
"body": "Only in America can a poor black boy turn into a rich white woman... (Michael Jackson)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10968,
"title": "America"
},
{
"body": "Only in America can a President have relations in the oral office",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10969,
"title": "America #2"
},
{
"body": "If you met your wife on a hunting trip you just might be a redneck.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10970,
"title": "Yet Another Redneck Joke"
},
{
"body": "A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. \r\n\r\n\"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?\" \r\n\r\n\"Throw out an anchor, sir,\" the student replied. \r\n\r\n\"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?\" \r\n\r\n\"Throw out another anchor, sir.\" \r\n\r\n\"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?\" asked the captain. \r\n\r\n\"Throw out another anchor, sir.\" \r\n\r\n\"Hold on,\" said the captain. \"Where are you getting all those anchors from?\" \r\n\r\n\"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10973,
"title": "The Storm"
},
{
"body": "Week 1 - Memo No. 1 \r\n\r\nEffective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice. \r\n\r\nWeek 3 - Memo No. 2 \r\n\r\nSpandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. \r\n\r\nWeek 6 - Memo No. 3 \r\n\r\nCasual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. \r\n\r\nWeek 8 - Memo No. 4 \r\n\r\nA seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory. \r\n\r\nWeek 9 - Memo No. 5 \r\n\r\nAs an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress. \r\n\r\nWeek 14 - Memo No. 6 \r\n\r\nThe Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled \"Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards.\" A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter \"You Are What You Wear\" and consult the \"home casual\" versus \"business casual\" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. \r\n\r\nWeek 18 - Memo No. 7 \r\n\r\nOur Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day. \r\n\r\nWeek 20 - Memo No. 8 \r\n\r\nDue to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 10974,
"title": "Casual Day"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so poor, that when I went to her house, a roach tripped me and a rat took my wallet.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10975,
"title": "Funny"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, that when she fell in love , people wern't laughing but the floor was cracking up!!!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 10977,
"title": "Very Funny"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.\r\n\r\n\"One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'\"\r\n\r\nPeople created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.\r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.\r\n\r\nArcheologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It's actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it's simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.\r\n\r\nDinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.\r\n\r\nPeople have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris\r\n\r\nChuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10978,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 33"
},
{
"body": "Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. \r\n\r\nIn Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming. \r\n\r\nChuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.\r\n\r\nChuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris\r\n\r\nChuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.\r\n\r\nBefore sliced bread, people used to say \"Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris\". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.\r\n\r\nThe wind of Chuck Norris's round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away\r\n\r\nChuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.\r\n\r\nThere is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.\r\n\r\nThere are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.\r\n\r\nEarth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10979,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 34"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down\r\n\r\nChuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.\r\n\r\nOn the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000\r\n\r\nThe United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris\r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame\r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't use after-shave, he uses hot liquid magma.\r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris found this web-site while surfing the internet, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly, including this one\r\n\r\nYou can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you're Chuck Norris\r\n\r\nNo matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris is \"The best a man can get\".\r\n\r\nOn Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still-beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.\r\n\r\nScientists believe the world began with the \"Big Bang\". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a \"bad case of gas\".\r\n\r\nChuck Norris let the dogs out.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of \"the best damn espresso on Earth\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10980,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 35"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!\r\n\r\nChuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.\r\n\r\nThe world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.\r\n\r\nThe active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.\r\n\r\nThe Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.\r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.\r\n\r\nIn an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a flotation device.\r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.\r\n\r\nThe speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.\r\n\r\nWhen somebody yells \"Last one in is a rotten egg,\" Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10981,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 36"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris invented the question mark.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady...just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.\r\n\r\nIf you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare\r\n\r\nChuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.\r\n\r\nThe helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.\r\n\r\nCars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris make onions CRY!!!\r\n\r\nSome people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those \"some people\" are now dead.\r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say \"Atchoo\" he says \"DIE EVERYONE!!!\". That's what happens next.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10982,
"title": "Chuck Norris Facts: 37"
},
{
"body": "One day a man is up on his soap box telling blonde jokes. A large crowd has gathered around him and are laughing hysterically at every line, most of which he probably took off of this website. A blonde walks up to him and starts yelling at him, \"You know, not all blondes are as dumb as you make us out to be.\"\r\n\r\nTaken aback by this he says, \"Fine. If you can answer three questions, I'll pack it up and never tell another blonde joke.\" She agrees and he starts the questioning.\r\n\r\n\"Ok, I'll give you an easy one first. What are the colors of the flag of the United States of America?\"\r\n\"That's easy,\" she replies, \"Red, white, and blue.\"\r\n\r\n\"Not bad, I've had some blondes screw that one up. OK, next question. Who wrote the play 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'?\"\r\n\"At this rate you better start packing up and leaving. That is by William Shakespeare,\" she retorts\r\n\r\n\"Impressive. Ok, third and final question. How many D's are in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?\" The blonde scratches her chin, thinking deep about the question, and asks, \"Can I come back to you on this one?\" \"Sure,\" as the man snickers, \"Come on back.\" She runs off as the crowd laughs and the man continues telling jokes.\r\n\r\nAbout fifteen minutes later she comes running back, out of breath yelling, \"Sixty-five!\" The man looks at her curiously and asks, \"How did you come to that?!?!?\"\r\n\r\nShe catches her breath and starts (to the tune of 'rudolph the red-nosed reindeer), \"de de de de de de de,,,,\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 10983,
"title": "Blonde Bashing"
},
{
"body": "If you have more pets than relatives you just might be a redneck.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 10985,
"title": "Still Yet Another Redneck Joke"
},
{
"body": "Q - Why is there a big \"E\" on top of the standard eye chart at the optometrist's office?\r\n\r\nA - The reason is if there was a big \"O\" on the chart women would lie about seeing it.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10987,
"title": "I Don't Know What You're Talking About"
},
{
"body": "Q - What do barbed wire and a thong have in common?\r\nA - Both protect the property, but neither obstruct the view.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 10988,
"title": "Thong Wire?"
},
{
"body": "Why do men pick their noses while driving?\r\n\r\nBecause their butts are too hard to reach!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 10993,
"title": "Men Driving"
},
{
"body": "In prison, you get three square meals a day. \r\n\r\nAt home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. \r\n\r\nIn prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. \r\n\r\nAt home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation. \r\n\r\nIn prison, you get to watch TV, cable even. \r\n\r\nAt home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable. \r\n\r\nIn prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. \r\n\r\nAt home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years. \r\n\r\nIn prison, all your medical care is free. \r\n\r\nAt home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die. \r\n\r\nIn prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up. \r\n\r\nAt home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave. \r\n\r\nIn prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day. \r\n\r\nAt home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again? \r\n\r\nIn prison, you get your own personal toilet. \r\n\r\nAt home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them. \r\n\r\nIn prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes. \r\n\r\nAt home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean. \r\n\r\nIn prison, they take you everywhere you need to go. \r\n\r\nAt home, you take everybody else where they need to go. \r\n\r\nIn prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing. \r\n\r\nAt home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar. \r\n\r\nIn prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't. \r\n\r\nAt home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10994,
"title": "Prison Vs. Housewives"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, there was a tribe of very hostile Indians who, upon catching a person on their land, would cut the person up and make a canoe out of them. One day, three men were walking through the woods when they wandered upon the canoe-making Indian's land. They were all caught and given one death wish. The man from Italy said, \"I would like one last slice of pizza before I die.\" So he ate his pizza and was cut up and made into a canoe. The man from America said, \"I would like one last hamburger before I die.\" So he ate his hamburger and was cut up and made a canoe. The last man asked for a fork. \"What the hell - a fork??!!! Why the hell do you want a fuckin fork???\" But they got him a fork, anyways. The man took the fork and began stabbing himself with it, saying, \"YER NOT MAKIN A CANOE OUT OF ME!!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10995,
"title": "Canoe"
},
{
"body": "When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 10997,
"title": "Changes Over Time"
},
{
"body": "There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. \r\n\r\nThe city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, \"This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!\" \r\n\r\nThe farmer looked puzzled and replied, \"What's time to a pig?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 10998,
"title": "Pampered Pigs"
},
{
"body": "The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten. \r\n\r\n\"Johnny,\" the teacher asked, \"where is the decimal point now?\" \r\n\r\n\"On the eraser!\" came back the quick reply.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 10999,
"title": "Math Lesson"
},
{
"body": "Ralph's father said, \"Let me see your report card.\" \r\n\r\nRalph replied, \"I don't have it.\" \r\n\r\n\"Why not?\" His father asked. \r\n\r\n\"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11001,
"title": "Ralph Report Card"
},
{
"body": "Kevin attended a horse auction with his father, watching as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. \r\n\r\nAfter a few minutes, Kevin asked, \"Dad, why are you doing that?\" \r\n\r\nHis father replied, \"Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.\" \r\n\r\nLooking worried, Kevin said, \"Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11002,
"title": "Horse Buying"
},
{
"body": "Phillip's teacher asks him, \"Can you name the Great Lakes?\" \r\n\r\nPhillip, always fast with an answer, pipes up with, \"I don't need to. They've already been named.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11003,
"title": "Great Lakes"
},
{
"body": "Mary had a little lamb!\r\nThe doctor fainted!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11005,
"title": "Mary's Little Lamb"
},
{
"body": "Q :whats the best thing about children?\r\nA :making them!!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11008,
"title": "Best thing"
},
{
"body": "A blonde got an invitation to a party which said \"Wear brown tie only!\"\r\nAfter going to the party, she noticed that they were wearing pants and shirts also!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11009,
"title": "Brown Tie"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so old, that she cooked the last supper!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11010,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so ugly that even Ripley's couldn't believe it!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11012,
"title": "Ugly"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock.\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nYou!\r\n\r\nYou who?\r\n\r\nWhat are you so happy about?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 11013,
"title": "You!"
},
{
"body": "A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach. \r\n\r\nThe marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, \"If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11017,
"title": "Marriage"
},
{
"body": "Like I said before, I never repeat myself.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11019,
"title": "Like I Said Before.."
},
{
"body": "A man comes home after a party drunk. \r\nWhen he interrogates his wife about who she is, she replies, \"I'm your wife! Did you forget me?\"\r\nThe man says, \"Sorry, drinking makes me forget my pain.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11020,
"title": "Intoxicated"
},
{
"body": "I'm so bad my imaginary friend left me.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11022,
"title": "Friend"
},
{
"body": "Why did the piece of gum cross the road?\r\n\r\nBecause it was stuck to the chicken's foot!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11023,
"title": "Gum"
},
{
"body": "Do you know why there are no Wal-Marts in Iraq? Because there are so many Targets.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11024,
"title": "Do You Know Why ... in Iraq"
},
{
"body": "Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...\r\n\r\nOn Sears hairdryer: \r\nDo not use while sleeping. \r\n(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) \r\n\r\nOn a bag of Fritos: \r\nYou could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. \r\n(The shoplifter special!) \r\n\r\nOn a bar of Dial soap: \r\nDirections: Use like regular soap. \r\n(and that would be how?) \r\n\r\nOn some Swann frozen dinners: \r\nServing suggestion: Defrost. \r\n(But it's 'just' a suggestion!) \r\n\r\nOn Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) \r\nDo not turn upside down. \r\n(Too late! you lose!) \r\n\r\nOn Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: \r\nProduct will be hot after heating. \r\n(Are you sure? Let's experiment.) \r\n\r\nOn packaging for a Rowenta iron: \r\nDo not iron clothes on body. \r\n(But wouldn't that save more time?) \r\n(Whose body?) \r\n\r\nOn Boot's Children's cough medicine: \r\nDo not drive car or operate machinery. \r\n(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.) \r\n\r\nOn Nytol sleep aid: \r\nWarning: may cause drowsiness. \r\n(One would hope!) \r\n\r\nOn a Korean kitchen knife: \r\nWarning: keep out of children. \r\n(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...) \r\n\r\nOn a string of Christmas lights: \r\nFor indoor or outdoor use only. \r\n(As opposed to use in outer space.) \r\n\r\nOn a food processor: \r\nNot to be used for the other use. \r\n(Now I'm curious.) \r\n\r\nOn Sainsbury's peanuts: \r\nWarning: contains nuts. \r\n(but no peas?) \r\n\r\nOn an American Airlines packet of nuts: \r\nInstructions: open packet, eat nuts. \r\n(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...) \r\n\r\nOn a Swedish chainsaw: \r\nDo not attempt to stop chain with your hands. \r\n(Raise your hand if you've tried this...) \r\n\r\nOn a child's Superman costume: \r\nWearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. \r\n(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11026,
"title": "Funny Instructions"
},
{
"body": "A Director said to the actress: \"You have to jump from 100 feet into a swimming pool.\"\r\n\r\nActress: \"But I dont know how to swim.\"\r\n\r\nDirector: \"I know, that's why I removed all the water from the swimming pool.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 11028,
"title": "Directors Cut"
},
{
"body": "An engine driver was taken to court because he derailed a train.\r\n\r\nThe judge asked, \"Why did you derail the train?\"\r\n\r\nThe engine driver replied, \"A man ran in front of the tracks.\"\r\n\r\nThe judge replied, \"You are a fool. You derailed a train and killed hundreds of people just because of one man, you should have killed him by running the train over him.\"\r\n\r\nThe driver replied, \"I tried to, but before I could run the train over him he moved away from the tracks so I just turned the train to run the train over him!!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 11029,
"title": "Engine Driver"
},
{
"body": "Q: How can you find a blonde in a submarine?\r\n\r\nA: Simple, she would be the only one with a parachute on!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11030,
"title": "Dumb Blondes"
},
{
"body": "GOOD JOKE: A blonde.\r\nBETTER JOKE: A blonde playing chess.\r\nBEST JOKE: The blonde wins the game.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11031,
"title": "Good Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Q: What did the blonde say after seeing the banana on the ground?\r\nA: Oh, I'm gonna slip again!!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11032,
"title": "Oh I'm Gonna Slip Again"
},
{
"body": "A man asked a woman,\"Will you marry me?\"\r\n\r\nThe woman replied,\"No.\"\r\n\r\nThey both lived happily ever after!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11034,
"title": "Will You Marry Me"
},
{
"body": "you've ever called the towtruck on yourself because you couldn't afford gas.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 11035,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck If..."
},
{
"body": "What 3 words are in the name Amanda?\r\n\r\nA, man, DUH!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11037,
"title": "Amanda"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you wore a jumper to your prom.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 11038,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck If...5"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if your swimsuit is your bra and underwear.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 11039,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck If...6"
},
{
"body": "I went to Google Translater to write something to my friend in German. \r\n\r\nI typed in English: \r\n\r\nHey there! I am bored. What do you want to do? \r\n\r\nIt came out in German: \r\n\r\nHey dort! ich werde gebohrt, was Sie tun m\u00c3\u00b6chten? \r\n\r\nIf I translate it back into English, it comes out: \r\n\r\nHey there! I am bored, which you would like to do? \r\n\r\nI don't want to do anyone!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11041,
"title": "German"
},
{
"body": "My 4 year old brother just had a birthday. At his birthday party he invited all his friends and a clown for the entertainment. The clown didn't have too many options for entertaining 4 year olds, so he figured a nice game of Simon Says would be fun. \r\n\"Simon says, 'Point to your nose.'\"\r\nThe children all do it and he continues.\r\n\"Simon says, 'Point to your head.'\"\r\nAgain they all do.\r\n\"Sit down.\"\r\nAll those who sat down are out.\r\n\"Simon says, 'Point to your lip.'\"\r\nTrying to end this silly game and go on with his pathetic life,\r\n\"Point to your eye.\"\r\n\"OWWWWW!!!\" Yep. They lost.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11042,
"title": "PARTY!!"
},
{
"body": "Umm...why is this category called \"blond\" when really it's spelled \"blonde\"??",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11053,
"title": "Umm"
},
{
"body": "The 1st blonde says-\"I hate you!I never want to see you again.\"\r\nThe smarted 2nd twin says-\"You idiot!Then don't look in the mirror!\"\r\nThe 1st says-\"Why can't I look in the mirror?\"\r\nThe 2nd says-\"Because we're twins and we look exactly the same!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11054,
"title": "Blonde Twins"
},
{
"body": "Q: What is orange, red, and lies in the grass?\r\n\r\nA: A wounded cheesie!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11058,
"title": "What is It?"
},
{
"body": "Why was the baby ant afraid of his uncles?\r\nBecause his uncles were all ants!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11059,
"title": "Ants"
},
{
"body": "One day Socrates is walking down the road and sees his old friend Uripedes carrying a pair of pants.\r\n\r\nSocrates says \"Hi, Uripedes\" \r\nUripidees says \"I sure did, Usodes?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11060,
"title": "U Rip"
},
{
"body": "1. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, \"I'll serve you, but don't start anything.\"\r\n\r\n2. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.\r\n\r\n3. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. \r\n\r\n4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.\r\n\r\n5. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, \"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!\" The doctor replied, \"I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!\"\r\n\r\n6. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11062,
"title": "Punny!"
},
{
"body": "1: Fatten every one around you to make them look bigger. You'll look thinner\r\n2: If no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories.\r\n3: Drink a diet soda with your candy bar. They'll cancel each other out.\r\n4: Life's short, eat dessert first.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11063,
"title": "Diet Tips"
},
{
"body": "How do you say constipated in German?\r\n\r\n\r\nfarfrompoopin",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11065,
"title": "German Poo"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many roadies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA: 2. One to try to hammer it in with a microphone, and another to find a cable to plug that microphone in.\r\n\r\n\r\nQ: How many union members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA: If we do screw in that light bulb, it'll be a 4 hour minimum on the payroll.\r\n\r\n\r\nQ: How many sound techs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA: None. That's the light guy's job.\r\n\r\n\r\nQ: How many lighting techs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA: IT'S A LAMP!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 11066,
"title": "Stage Employees"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so stupid she brought the jigsaw puzzle back to the store because she thought it was broken!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11068,
"title": "Yo Momma!"
},
{
"body": "Once, there were three young men named Poop, Manners and Shutup, and one day they were riding their bikes when Poop fell off his bike, so Manners went to help Poop, while Shutup went to the police.\r\n\r\nWhen Shutup arrived at the police station, he said, \"Quick! My friend fell off his bike!\"\r\n\r\nSo the police said, \"Let's start at the beginning. What's your name?\" then Shutup said, \"Shutup\" (because that was his name.)\r\n\r\nBut the police didn't understand, so he said, \"Where's your manners?\" Shutup said \"Picking up Poop!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11070,
"title": "Helping Out"
},
{
"body": "There was a child named Laura. She asked her mom what the hardest report she ever had to do was. Her mom said, \"It was to write an essay on the belly of a frog.\" Laura said, \"Wow!!How did you get the frog in to the typewriter?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11071,
"title": "Report on Frog"
},
{
"body": "Once,there was a teacher and a girl named Wendy.The teacher asked for Wendy to say a sentence starting with the word I. So wendy started to say I is....Then the teacher said, \"No Wendy, it is I am.\" So Wendy said, \"I am the ninth letter if the alphabet.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11072,
"title": "A Letter Problem"
},
{
"body": "One day a man was watching a show that shows how people make candy bars (by the way he has one in his hand). About halfway through the show, his son comes in asks him if he could ask him a question. The man says yes so his son asks him, \"Where can most criminals be found?\"\r\n\r\nThe Man answers, \"Behind candy bars\"\r\n\r\n\"My point exactly,\" the son replies. (The son found 12 dollars to missing the day before and his father was the only who could take it given the circumstances at the time.) \r\n\r\nA couple weeks later the man finds many of his personal items go missing. Then, one day when found his watch missing and he realizes his son took it. So the man waited until his son took out a candy bar for dessert after dinner and then he asks him, \"Where can most criminals be found?\"\r\n\r\n\"Behind Bars,\" replies his son thinking, *No DUH!!!? How dumb does he think I am?*\r\n\r\n\"Candy Bars to be exact,\" his father adds.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11073,
"title": "Candy Bars"
},
{
"body": "Matt: I bet you can't spell \"I cup.\"\r\nSarah: I C-U-P\r\nMatt: Eww! You see me pee!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11074,
"title": "I Cup"
},
{
"body": "Why did the husband ask the wife before they were married to find her own friends for life?\r\n\r\nBecause like most marriages he knows they will hate each other one day and she will need help from her friends or she commit suicide.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11075,
"title": "Friends"
},
{
"body": "If you were a boy and your parents named you dick.\r\nWouldn't you be embarassed and change your name officially?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11076,
"title": "Dick"
},
{
"body": "One day Billy is pulling some bottles to the recycling plant in his wagon to get some spending money, he is cursing up a storm while he is pulling the wagon.\r\n\r\nHe comes around a corner and sees Jenny standing on the path in front of him.\r\n\r\n\"Billy you shouldn't swear like that!\"\r\n\"Why the hell not?\"\r\n\"Because God will hear you\" Jenny replies.\r\n\"So what if he does\" Billy replies.\r\n\"Well if God hears you swearing you will go to hell.\" Jenny explains.\r\n\"Well He can't hear me. He is not here!\" \r\n\"Yes He can hear you Billy. God is everywhere!\"\r\nBilly thinks a minute than says, \"You mean to say God is under that tree over there right now?\"\r\n\"Yes Billy He is there, but you can't see him because He is invisibe.\" replies Jenny.\r\n\"God is over behind those bushes too?\" asks Billy.\r\n\"Yes. He is behind the bushes too. I told you he is everywhere!\" Jenny exclaims.\r\n\"Is God in my wagon right now?\"\r\n\"Yes Billy, God is in your wagon right now!\" Jemmy replies.\r\nBilly thinks about this a minute then yells, \"WELL TELL HIM TO GET OUT AND PUSH THIS SON OF A BITCH. IT'S HEAVY!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 11077,
"title": "Wagon"
},
{
"body": "Now I lay me down to sleep\r\nWith the boy across the street\r\nWon't my mommy be surprised \r\nWhen my tummy starts to rise\r\nWon't my daddy be disgusted\r\nWhen he finds my cherry's busted.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11081,
"title": "The Sluts Prayer"
},
{
"body": "A boy go to a girls house and notice her home is very messy and full of paper and clay pot and clothing all over. The boy tell her he bring some pot to her and she answer there is clay pot all over home.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11083,
"title": "Pot"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so dumb everytime she hears a car horn she yells \"Happy New Year!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11084,
"title": "Yo Momma is So Dumb"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so fat they show IMAX movies on her butt!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11086,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "What do you call 2 lesbians in a cupboard?\r\n\r\nA: A liquor cabinet!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11087,
"title": "What Do You Call..."
},
{
"body": "A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, He drinks it, and 5 minutes later orders another. This goes on for 2 hours straight, the guy ordering a beer every 5 minutes or so. After 2 hours the guy has had 24 beers and is pretty drunk.\r\n\r\nThe bartender looks at the guy and says, \"How did you do that/\"\r\nThe guy responds, \"It's no problem. You just chug 'em back.\"\r\nBartender; \"Not the drinking part, I mean how did you drink 24 beers without going to the bathroom?\"\r\nThe guy says, \"Depends\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 11088,
"title": "Guy Goes Into a Bar"
},
{
"body": "Why is marriage so much like a tornado?\r\n\r\nAt first there is a lot of huffing and blowing, in the end someone loses their house.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11090,
"title": "Why is"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the blonde who ran for president?\r\n\r\nShe got tired after 2 miles and dropped out of the running.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11091,
"title": "President"
},
{
"body": "Why did the kid like the bowl of carrots and peas?\r\n\r\nBecause he could eat every carrot and pea in the bowl.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11094,
"title": "Carrots and Peas"
},
{
"body": "If a guy is a \"chick magnet\", and opposites attract, doesn't that make him gay?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11095,
"title": "Chick Magnet"
},
{
"body": "10) Hum or sing when ever possible.\r\n\r\n9) Always chew with your mouth open.\r\n\r\n8) Pretend to fly around the room.\r\n\r\n7) Have fights with your imaginary friends.\r\n\r\n6) At school, fall asleep in every class.\r\n\r\n5) When people turn around, make faces.\r\n\r\n4) Scream every 10 minutes.\r\n\r\n3) Tell every one you have a twin and then pretend to be the twin. \r\n\r\n2) Say, 'I don't know.' when you are asked a question, no matter what the question is.\r\n\r\n1) Tap your pencil on every surface.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11097,
"title": "Top 10 Anoying Things to Do"
},
{
"body": "One day my cousin says, \"Oh, I love your hair. Show me how you do it!\"\r\n\r\n\"OK,\" I reply.\r\n\r\n\"OK?\" my cousin says; \"you're not supposed to say OK! You're supposed to have a temper tantrum and scream, 'No! It's MY secret and I'm not going to tell you!' OK?\"\r\n\r\n\"You're just being stupid as usual. Leave me alone.\"\r\n\r\nLittle cousins. *SHISH!*\r\n\r\nA few weeks later she comes up to me and says, \"I like your make-up. Can you show me how to do make-up?\"\r\n\r\n\"You're too young,\" I reply.\r\n\r\nNow she's got the hissy fit going on (AGAIN).\r\n\r\n\"I am NOT TOO YOUNG! Show me how to do make-up or I'll bite myself than tell Mama you did it like all those other times I said you bit me!\" She yells.\r\n\r\nI turn around and say, \"Too LATE!\"\r\n\r\n\"HUH?!\" she says.\r\n\r\nShe turns around and gets the beat down of her life from her mother. I never saw her until two years later and she still was covered in two-year-old bruises.\r\n\r\nThe first time I saw her again, I asked her if she still wanted me to show her how to do my hairstyles that she loved and give her make up tips, just to taunt her. Well, you know what happened next. (She's only two years younger than me.)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11098,
"title": "Okay/ No/ Oh GOD!!!"
},
{
"body": "You momma is so stupid, she went to the Clippers game to get a haircut!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11104,
"title": "Clippers"
},
{
"body": "A blond in a mathematics test encountered this problem\r\n\r\nFind X\r\n\r\nThis was her answer\r\n\r\n\ti\t\t \t\t\t\t\r\n i \\\r\n i \\\r\n 14.6578i \\\r\n i \\ X________ Here it is\r\n i \\\r\n i \\\r\n i \\\r\n i \\\r\n i_________\\\r\n 12.76",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11106,
"title": "Maths Quiz"
},
{
"body": "Amy: Yesterday I saw a man in the mall with very long arms. Every time he went up the stairs he would step on them.\r\n\r\nBob: Wow... He stepped on his arms?\r\n\r\nAmy: No. On the STAIRS!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11107,
"title": "Stairs"
},
{
"body": "Question: If the world was a jacket where would the people from the ghetto go?\r\n\r\nAnswer:In da Hood!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11111,
"title": "The World"
},
{
"body": "You Might Be a Redneck if you have a pond full of gasoline and a car wreck in the bottom of it.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 11112,
"title": "You Might Be a Redneck If..."
},
{
"body": "Why don't niggers like dirt bikes?\r\n\r\nBecause when it starts, it says: \"Run nigga nigga run.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11113,
"title": "Warning: this Joke is Raceist"
},
{
"body": "Cat Lover or not, this is hysterical! \r\n\r\nWe've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one: \r\n\r\nCalling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. \r\n\r\nOn one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. \r\n\r\nInitially, the new acquisition was no problem. \r\n\r\nThen one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. \r\n\r\n\"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.\" \r\n\r\n\"You know where the button is,\" I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. \"Reset it yourself!\" \r\n\r\n\"But I'm scared!\" she persisted. \"What if it starts going and sucks me in?\" There was a meaningful pause and then, \"C'mon, it'll onl",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11114,
"title": "New Kitten"
},
{
"body": "A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.\r\n\r\n\"Are you my doctor?\" he asked.\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I am.\"\r\n\r\nThe baby said, \"Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.\"\r\n\r\nHe looked at his mother and asked, \"Are you my mother?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I am,\" she said.\r\n\r\n\"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born,\" he said.\r\n\r\nHe then looked at his father and asked, \"Are you my father?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I am,\" his father answered.\r\n\r\nThe baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying,\r\n\r\n\"I want you to know that\r\n\r\nTHAT HURTS!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11115,
"title": "The Advanced Baby"
},
{
"body": "Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question, but it will make you think.\r\n\r\nIt is as it reads:\r\n\r\nNo one I know got the answer right---including me.\r\n\r\nThe scenario....\r\n\r\nA woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a man she didn't know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy, that she believed him to be just that! \r\nShe fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and couldn't find him. A few days later she\r\nkilled her sister.\r\n\r\nQuestion: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give this some thought before you answer).\r\n\r\nAnswer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at another funeral again (for her sister).\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIf You answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the\r\ntest and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly good for You.\r\n\r\nIf you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off of my friends list...unless that will tick you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you from now on.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11122,
"title": "Are You a Killer?"
},
{
"body": "Go to this website ... I know some people might say that this isn't a joke, but it's really funny if you go to the website. Trust me. http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html It doesn't have any viruses.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11124,
"title": "QUIZ"
},
{
"body": "Go to this website ... I know some people might say that this isn't a joke, but it's really funny if you go to the website. Trust me. It doesn't have any viruses.\r\n\r\nhttp://home.comcast.net/~wolfand/",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11125,
"title": "Annoying Website"
},
{
"body": "I went to a money-making seminar. This man had so much bling he sparkled. I could tell he knew how to make money. He was telling the story of how he worked his way up the corporate ladder from a lowly mail boy, to cubicle, to corner office, to the president of his own very successful business. He went on to tell the whole process of sucking up to the bosses and such. Anyway the way he made most of his money was with his own business. It wasn't persay the way he ran it but the idea behind it. He mass producted one product but sold it as two. He made long rubber open ended cylinders and sold them as a box of 12 condoms for $6 and he sold a bag of balloons for $3.\r\nThe man was a genius...pure genius...",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11127,
"title": "Good Business Man"
},
{
"body": "Idiot #1\r\n\r\nYankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n \r\nIdiot #2\r\n\r\nA woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n\r\nIdiot #3\r\n\r\nDrug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a \"bulge\" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. \"Nonsense,\" said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nIdiot #4\r\n\r\nOklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, \"I should of blown your (expletive) head off.\" The defendant paused, then quickly added, \"If I'd been the one that was there.\" The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n \r\nIdiot #5\r\n\r\nDetroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11128,
"title": "More Idiots!"
},
{
"body": "A smart blonde, a leprachaun and a fairy were in an elevator together talking about something, but whatever they were talking about was not true because there is no such thing as a leprechaun or a fairy or a smart blonde.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11129,
"title": "In an Elevator"
},
{
"body": "Mom: How did you do on your history test?\r\nKid: Not good.\r\nMom: Why?\r\nKid: They asked me things that happened before I was born!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11135,
"title": "History"
},
{
"body": "Why don't elephants smoke?\r\n\r\nTheir butts don't fit in the ash tray",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11140,
"title": "Elephants"
},
{
"body": "An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses; they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, \"I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'willy'.\" The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, \"Yes dear, but it was much harder!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 11141,
"title": "You Missed!"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the condom fly across the room\r\n\r\nA: It was pissed off!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11142,
"title": "Flying"
},
{
"body": "Reasons why high school english teachers retire early.\r\nActual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:\r\n\r\n1.\tHer face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. \r\n2.\tHis thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.\r\n3.\tHe spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.\r\n4.\tShe grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.\r\n5.\tShe had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. \r\n6.\tHer vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.\r\n7.\tHe was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.\r\n8.\tThe revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. \r\n9.\tThe little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.\r\n10.\tMcBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.\r\n11.\tFrom the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.\r\n12.\tHer hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.\r\n13.\tThe hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.\r\n14.\tLong separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. \r\n15.\tThey lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.\r\n16.\tJohn and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. \r\n17.\tHe fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.\r\n18.\tEven in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.\r\n19.\tShots rang out, as shots are known to do. \r\n20.\tThe plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, his plan just might work.\r\n21.\tThe young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. \r\n22.\tHe was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.\r\n23.\tThe ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. \r\n24.\tIt was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.\r\n25.\tHe was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.\r\n26.\tHer eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. \r\n27.\tShe walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.\r\n28.\tIt hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11143,
"title": "Reasons Why English Teachers Retire Early"
},
{
"body": "Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, \r\n\r\n\"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds.\" \r\n\r\n\"Why don't you just leave him then?\" asked her friend. \r\n\r\n\"Oh! Not yet.\" the first replied, \"I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11146,
"title": "Relationship"
},
{
"body": "Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. \"I know that smart aleck Tex,\" said the first. \"He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back.\" \r\n\r\n\"Not Tex,\" the second cowboy replied. \"He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello.\" \r\n\r\n\"I know Tex better than either of you,\" said the third. \"He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now.\" Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, \"Audi, partners!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11147,
"title": "Texan's New Car"
},
{
"body": "AUDI \r\n\r\nAccelerates Under Demonic Influence \r\n\r\nAlways Unsafe Designs Implemented \r\n\r\nAll Un-informed Drivers Insulted \r\n\r\nAll Unnecessary Devices Installed \r\n\r\nBMW \r\n\r\nBig Money Works \r\n\r\nBought My Wife \r\n\r\nBrutal Money Waster \r\n\r\nBUICK \r\n\r\nBig Ugly Indestructible Car Killer \r\n\r\nCHEVROLET \r\n\r\nCan Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time \r\n\r\nDODGE \r\n\r\nDumb Old Dirty Gas Eater \r\n\r\nDrips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere \r\n\r\nFORD \r\n\r\nFix Or Repair Daily \r\n\r\nFound On Road, Dead \r\n\r\nFast Only Rolling Downhill \r\n\r\nGM \r\n\r\nGeneral Maintenance \r\n\r\nGMC \r\n\r\nGarage Man's Companion \r\n\r\nHONDA \r\n\r\nHad One Never Did Again \r\n\r\nHappy Owners Never Drive Anything else. \r\n\r\nHated Old Noisy Damaged Auto \r\n\r\nHYUNDAI \r\n\r\nHope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive? \r\n\r\nMAZDA \r\n\r\nMost Always Zipping Dangerously Along \r\n\r\nOLDSMOBILE \r\n\r\nOld Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day. \r\n\r\nOverpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment \r\n\r\nSAAB \r\n\r\nSend Another Automobile Back \r\n\r\nTOYOTA \r\n\r\nToo Often Yankees Overprice This Auto \r\n\r\nVOLVO \r\n\r\nVery Odd Looking Vehicular Object \r\n\r\nVW \r\n\r\nVirtually Worthless",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11148,
"title": "Acronym Cars"
},
{
"body": "What does a horny ghost say to scare people?\r\n\r\n\r\nBOO...BS!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11149,
"title": "Oh I'm Real Scared Now...NOT"
},
{
"body": "Once, my parents were driving, and they wanted a cup of tea, so they drove to a cafe. When they ordered, a horse walked in and sat at the table across from them. The horse then ordered a cup of coffe. My parents thought it was a bit strange, so they asked the waitress if this was normal, and the waitress said, \"No, he usually orders lemonade.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11150,
"title": "Cafe"
},
{
"body": "1) pretendyoudontknowwhatthespacebaris\r\n\r\n2) no caps or puncuation at all seriously it really annoys people\r\n\r\n3) Abb. or shorten evry othr wrd it wrks rly wel\r\n\r\n4) UsE cApS oN aNd OfF lIkE tHiS\r\n\r\n5) 1337\r\n\r\n5) maik rly stoopid spelng mistaiks liek dis\r\n\r\n6) Waste peoples' time.\r\n\r\n7) Feing lost of tyops (Feign lots of typos)\r\n\r\n8) TYPE IN ALL CAPS IT ANNOYS PEOPLE\r\n\r\n9) N vwls. (No vowls.)\r\n\r\n10) Capitalize Every Word Lots Of People Do It And It Really Works\r\n\r\n11) 1337. s3R10u5|Y. D0 u N0 |-|0\\/\\/ mUc|-| 17 4N0y5 pp| 1F u U53 17 1n c0njUnC710N \\/\\// c|-|475p33K? (Leet. Seriously. Do you know how much it annoys people if you use it in conjunction with chatspeak?)\r\n\r\n12) Act like a 3 year old.\r\n\r\n13) Call everyone \"Honey\" or \"Dear\" as in, \"Sorry, dear, but we can't do anything about it.\" or \"Don't worry, Hun, it won't help to do that\"\r\n\r\n14) Ask a whole bunch of questions and don't answer any.\r\n\r\n15) Subsitute a hole lot of stuff liek 2=to, two, too or 4=for. Use your imagination.\r\n\r\n16) Srcmbale up all yuor wrods but keep the frist and lsat the smae. D'not wrory, ppeole can raed it.\r\n\r\n18) Leav of leters likk dis\r\n\r\n19) Try to mimic an accent. Hard, but it makes your posts hard to read.\r\n\r\n20) Try to start a debate.\r\n\r\n21) Get two accounts and pretend to be two different people.\r\n\r\n22) Using your two accounts, try to debate with yourself.\r\n\r\n23) Try to debate with yourself using only one account.\r\n\r\n24) Use a whole lot of equations to try and explain yourself.\r\n\r\n25) Insult people.\r\n\r\n26) Say \"You know?\" or \"y'know?\" or \"You know what I mean?\" a whole lot.\r\n\r\n27) Be reduncdant. Really reducdant.\r\n\r\n28) Repeat yourself.\r\n\r\n29) Repeat yourself.\r\n\r\n30) Use that second account to repeat yourself.\r\n\r\n31) Use that second account to stalk yourself.\r\n\r\n32) Brag about things you obviously don't have.\r\n\r\n33) Brag about things other people have and you don't. Act as if that's a good thing.\r\n\r\n34) Seriously, use #11. It wastes people's time, and \r\n\r\n35) Keep refering back to stuff you said before and make people scroll up a whole lot to find them.\r\n\r\n36) Ha! Did I trick ya? Did you scroll up?\r\n\r\n37) Use a whole lot of smilies. Like :P :) :D xD xP :/ ={ =C =) =( =P\r\n\r\n38) Make up false equations. Like Me + U = Pfft.\r\n\r\n39) Make bodily function noises. I.E. - Burp, fart, snore, sneeze, cough.\r\n\r\n40) Put together a whole lot of the ones on this list.\r\n\r\n41) Numbers 1 and 2 go together well.\r\n\r\n42) When typing a list like this, put in a whole bunch of pointless fluff.\r\n\r\n43) Abb. things that aren't usually abb'ed (usually = usuly)\r\n\r\n44) Numbers 3 and 5 gp well too.\r\n\r\n45) Did you fall for either of those two?\r\n\r\n46) Dang.\r\n\r\n47) Leave out numbers in lists. Point it out 20 numbers later. I.E. I left out #17\r\n\r\n48) Keep putting in stuff that's totally unrelated.\r\n\r\n49) Like so.\r\n\r\n50) Put in lots of examples. Especially if you're teaching someone to be annoying online. It annoys your readers, and that's the first step!! =3",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11153,
"title": "50 Quick and Easy Ways to Annoy Someone Online"
},
{
"body": "When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous \"One small step for man, one giant leap for man kind\" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark \"Good luck Mr. Gorsky.\"\r\n\r\nMany people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American Space Programs. Over the years many people questioned Mr. Armstrong as to what the \"Good Luck Mr. Gorsky\" statement meant, but Mr. Armstrong always just smiled and would not answer.\r\n\r\nJust last year, (On July 5, 1996) in Tampa, Florida while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 29 year old question to Mr. Armstrong again. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.... When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in his backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the then young Neil Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky saying \"Oral Sex! You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11154,
"title": "Walk on the Moon"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a wife and a prostitute?\r\n\r\nProstitute is cheaper!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11155,
"title": "What's the Difference"
},
{
"body": "I am sure everyone has heard the saying \"If it ain't broke, don't fix it.\"\r\n\r\nWell, I have improved on this saying so that it applies to my life, and here it is.\r\n\r\n\"If it ain't broke, it ain't ours!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11158,
"title": "Old and New Sayings"
},
{
"body": "Max: Here I am, once again! I'm torn into pieces...can't deny it, can't pretend! Just thought you were the one! Broken up, deep inside. But you don't get to see these tears I cry....BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES!\r\n\r\nBailey: So, wha'd you do with the money?\r\n\r\nMax: What money???\r\n\r\nBailey: The money your mom gave you for voice lessons!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11159,
"title": "Singing"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar and says \"Bartender, give me a triple shot of Jack!\". \r\nThe bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar, and says, \"Another\". \r\nThe bartender pours another. The man downs it and says, \"Another\". \r\nAs the bartender pours the third glass he says, \"Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?\" \r\n\r\nThe man says, \"Ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her.\" \r\nThe bartender says \"Geez, what did you say?.\"\r\nThe man says \" I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 11162,
"title": "Bad Dog"
},
{
"body": "A woman goes to a new bar at the top of a skyscraper and over by the counter she sees an attractive man. She keeps her eye on him as she orders a drink, and she sees the man take a shot and jump out the window.\r\n\r\nShe's so shocked she can't speak, but moments later he walks back into the bar. He goes back to the counter, orders another shot, takes it and jumps out the window. Sure enough moments later he walks back into the bar again, completely unharmed.\r\n\r\nShe walks over to him and says, \"I've been watching you, and I've got to ask what is going on. We're thirty stories up!\" He leans over and passes her a shot, \"If you take a shot of this, you can fly.\" So she takes the shot, jumps out the window, and plummets to her death.\r\n\r\nThe bartender looks over and says \"Superman, you're a real asshole when you drink.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 11164,
"title": "Drinks at Sky Bar"
},
{
"body": "On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.\r\nThis scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.\r\nShe explained that for the more than three decades she had \"charged\" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, \"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!\"\r\nThat's when she shot him.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11165,
"title": "The Best Wedding Gift"
},
{
"body": "Bill and Bob were mischievous brothers. They always picked fights with each other. One day, their mother told them to go outside and play, but to remember to be good. Suddenly, Bob came running back in and said, \"Mommy! Mommy! Bill broke Ms. Allen's window!\"\r\n\r\nMs. Allen was their next door neighbor. Their mom was shocked. \"Tell me, Bob. How did Bill break her window?\"\r\n\r\nBob puffed out his chest and said accusingly, \"I threw a rock at him and he dodged!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11167,
"title": "I Didn't Do It, He Did!"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, she joined MySpace and there was no room for anyone else.\r\n\r\nYo momma is so fat, she tried uploading her picture to a computer, but the C: Drive filled up.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11173,
"title": "Techmomma"
},
{
"body": "This was a Typo from Jack-in-the-Box\r\n\r\n1. Come in for our new Chihuahua (Chibatta, Don't ask.)Sandwich.\r\n\r\n2. Newspaper\r\nLook ravished (ravishing) for your big day.\r\n\r\n3. Church Newsletter\r\nCome tonight to see famous missionary Bobby Belch. Come hear Bobby Belch from Africa.\r\n\r\n4. Sunday School Lesson: Jesus Walks on Water\r\nTonight's Lesson: Finding Jesus\r\n\r\n5. Tonight's Sermon: \"What is Hell?\" Come early to listen to our choir perform.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11174,
"title": "Written Mistakes"
},
{
"body": "On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said, \"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?\" \r\n\r\nTo which the farmer replied, \"Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11179,
"title": "Cruising"
},
{
"body": "TRUE STORY\r\n\r\nI was working in a restaurant for several years.\r\n\r\nOn a very busy night, I was helping out with the seating. I showed seats to a party of four and when I went to give them the menus, I realised we only had one menu left. As I placed the menu in front of one of them and told the other three that I would get them menus soon, they began laughing.\r\n\r\nThey told me that the woman that I gave the menu to was blind!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 11182,
"title": "Restaurant Menu"
},
{
"body": "TRUE STORY\r\n\r\nMy first job was working in an office at my cubicle. Unfortunately, they put me on the floor with a bunch of pranksters.\r\n\r\nWhile I was doing my work, I saw one a co-worker with a funnel down his pants, trying to catch a coin with it, for fun. He would throw the coin in the air, and then catch it with the funnel. I found this very interesting, so when it was lunch break, I asked them if I could try it. The co-worker handed me a funnel and coin, and told me to put the funnel down my pants, and down my underpants if I wanted.\r\n \r\nI put it down my pants, and started playing. I caught the coin a couple of times, and I continued for a while. The co-worker left to get cold water to drink, and when he came back to me, he accidentally tripped and fell, purposely putting the cup into the funnel, which travelled down to my underwear. He began laughing really hard, because my it looked like I'd peed myself.\r\n\r\nI had to work like that for the rest of the day, and everyone got their little laugh throughout that time.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 11183,
"title": "Funnel and Coin"
},
{
"body": "TRUE STORY\r\n\r\nMy boyfriend decided to invite me over to his home one day.\r\n\r\nWhen I arrived, I was hoping we would be alone. When I got in, it was dark, except for the room we were in and I couldn't hear any noise, so I guessed we were.\r\n\r\nWe started to make out until he grabbed my hand and brought me upstairs, covering my eyes and saying; \"I have a surprise for you, why don't you make yourself a little more comfortable.\"\r\n\r\nOf course, I took that as a hint that he wanted sex, and he left saying he'd be back in five minutes.\r\n \r\nSo I took off my clothes, sitting on his bed. Five minutes later, he called me to come out into the room next door to his room. I walked out proudly and walked into another room naked... and saw three shocked faces looking upon my body. He didnt tell me the surprise was he wanted me to meet his parents!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11184,
"title": "Surprise"
},
{
"body": "TRUE STORY\r\n\r\nWhen I was 16, I went camping with my family. My girlfriend, who was also 16, went along with her family as well. We went to the same campground together because her parents knew mine and we're friends. I thought that this was perfect because now I could be with my girlfriend all summer. \r\nOne night, my girlfriend's parents were chatting with mine, so we sneaked away and went to have some \"fun\" at the cottage we were renting. So we got to the cottage but the door was locked so we ended up sneaking through a window.\r\n\r\nWe got really busy that night, having lots of \"fun\" with each other. During the climax, we heard a noise and we thought our my parents had come back. Then the next thing we knew, an elderly couple opens up the door before we could react, the next thing we saw was a shotgun pointing at us with the man asking us who we are and what we were doing in his cabin... while we were still having sex! We were horrified beyond belief! Apparently we ran and sneaked into the wrong cabin that night because it was too dark to see anything. The elderly couple talked to my parents and my girlfriend's parents the next day and told them what they had seen, and ever since then I could not look my parents or her parents in the eye again.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11185,
"title": "Camping Trouble"
},
{
"body": "Perfect breasts (o)(o)\r\n\r\nSilicone breasts ( + )( + )\r\n\r\nPerky breasts (*)(*)\r\n\r\nBig nipple breasts (@)(@)\r\n\r\nA cups o o\r\n\r\nD cups { O }{ O }\r\n\r\nWonder bra breasts (oYo)\r\n\r\nCold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )\r\n\r\nLopsided breasts (o)(O)\r\n\r\nPierced Breasts (Q)(O)\r\n\r\nHanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)\r\n\r\nGrandma's Breasts \\ o /\\ o /\r\n\r\nAgainst The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )\r\n\r\nAndroid Breasts | o | | o |\r\n\r\nMamogram Breasts (_)(_)\r\n\r\nMartha Stewart's Breasts ($)($)",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11187,
"title": "Not For Kids"
},
{
"body": "After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, Mom and Dad announced to their grown children that they're getting a divorce. \r\n\r\nThe kids were totally distraught and, as a stab at keeping their parents together, arranged a series of sessions for the whole family with a world-famous marriage counselor. \r\n\r\nThe counselor worked for hours, tried all of his methods and tricks, but the parents wouldn't even talk to each other. \r\n\r\nFinally, he walked over to a closet, brought out an oboe, and began to play. After a minute or so, the parents started talking and, as the counselor continued soloing on the oboe, the couple discovered they're not that far apart and decided to give their marriage another try. \r\n\r\nThe children were amazed and asked the counselor how he managed to do it. He replied, \"Simple. I've never seen a couple that wouldn't talk through an oboe solo.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11188,
"title": "Saving a Marriage"
},
{
"body": "You're so covered in dirt that if you wanted to eat a tootsie roll, you'd have to wear white gloves to keep from biting your finger!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11189,
"title": "Tootsie Roll"
},
{
"body": "1. A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless you're a diabetic!!!!!\r\n\r\n2. People who live in glass houses should have sex in their basements!!!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11190,
"title": "Short One Liners"
},
{
"body": "Roses are red, violets are blue, If I can use technology, why can't you?\r\n\r\nThe sky is blue, the grass is green, why is your brain as small as a lima bean?\r\n\r\nYour humorous, funny, have OCD, How come you can't use technology without me?\r\n\r\nI love you, I love you, I really do, but roses are red and violets are blue.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 11192,
"title": "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue..."
},
{
"body": "Boy(howling): A crab just bit my toe!\r\nFather: Which one?\r\nBoy: How should I know?!?!?! All crabs look alike to me!!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11196,
"title": "Which One?"
},
{
"body": "'How long will the next bus be?'\r\n'About eighteen feet.'",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11197,
"title": "How Long?"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Can you name four animals of the cat family?\r\nMary:Mother cat,Father cat,and two kittens.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11198,
"title": "The Cat Family"
},
{
"body": "Doctor: Mrs Smith, you have acute angina.\r\nMrs. Smith: I came here to be examined, not admired.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 11199,
"title": "Funny Doctors"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: If you found five pence in one pocket and ten pence in the other,what would you have?\r\nWilly: Somebody else's trousers.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11200,
"title": "Someones Trousers"
},
{
"body": "Jesus walks into an inn puts 3 nails on the counter and asks, \"Can you put me up for the night?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 11202,
"title": "Put Me Up"
},
{
"body": "An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed options with his doctor. The doctor said, \"We have three possible donors. The first is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The third is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'll take the attorney's heart,\" said the patient.\r\n\r\nAfter a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.\r\n\r\n\"It was easy,\" said the patient, \"I wanted a heart that hadn't been used.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 11203,
"title": "Oh! My Heart!"
},
{
"body": "What kind of triangle is never wrong???\r\n\r\n\r\nA right triangle!!!!!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11206,
"title": "Triangles"
},
{
"body": "What kind of trouble does a five foot man have???\r\n\r\nFive feet!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11207,
"title": "5 Feet"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so fat she's fatter than you",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11208,
"title": "For Fat People"
},
{
"body": "Q: What is a cat's favorite game?\r\n\r\nA: Go Fish!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11209,
"title": "Cats Game"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so dark, she's not afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of her.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11213,
"title": "Yo Momma So Dark"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so stupid, on Halloween she looked ouside the window and said, \"Oh, no!\" and called the Ghost Busters.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11216,
"title": "Stupid!"
},
{
"body": "Your momma is so fat, your dad rolled on her and never came off.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11218,
"title": "Soo Fat"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so fat, the only reason she wanted to go to space was to taste the Milky Way.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11220,
"title": "Space"
},
{
"body": "1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my pants when I ask where the toilet is?\r\n\r\n2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. \r\n\r\n3. When people say, \"Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it, too.\" Dang right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?\r\n\r\n4. When people who've lost something say, \"It'll probably be in the last place\r\nI look.\" Of course it is! Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? \r\n\r\n5. When people say while watching a film, \"Did you see that?\" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor. \r\n\r\n6. People who ask, \"Can I ask you a question?\" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?\r\n\r\n7. When something is \"new and improved.\" Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.\r\n\r\n8. When people say, \"Life is short.\" What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?\r\n\r\n9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, \"Has the bus come yet?\". If the bus came would I be standing here?\r\n\r\n10. Jokes that are like, \"You didn't notice there was no *insert number here*\". Well duh - do YOU pay that close attention??",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11222,
"title": "10 Things I Hate About Everyone"
},
{
"body": "Where do fish keep their money?\r\n\r\nIn a riverbank!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11223,
"title": "The Fish's Bank"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a a bunch of fish swimming in the sky??\r\n\r\nA High School!!!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11224,
"title": "High Schools"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat and stupid that I told her to show me a pushup and she brought me one from the Ice Cream Man.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11225,
"title": "Pushup"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the middle ages as the dark ages?\r\nBetty: Because they had so many knights.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11226,
"title": "Dark Ages"
},
{
"body": "Q: When is a black dog not a black dog?\r\nA: When its a grey hound.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11227,
"title": "Grey Hounds"
},
{
"body": "Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?\r\nNo, how was that?\r\nHe had a right ear,a left ear,and a wild frontier.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11228,
"title": "Three Ears"
},
{
"body": "Where do the monsters go when they lose a hand?\r\nTo the second-hand shop.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11229,
"title": "Monsters Hand"
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?\r\nUnlawful is against the law. Illegal is a sick bird.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11230,
"title": "Unlawful vs Illegal"
},
{
"body": "Farmer: This is a dogwood tree.\r\nCityman: How can you tell?\r\nFarmer: By its bark",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11231,
"title": "Dog Wood Tree"
},
{
"body": "Knock, knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nIsabel.\r\nIsabel who?\r\nIs-a-bel ringing? I thought I heard one.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 11232,
"title": "Isabel"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat, when she breast-fed you, you drank bacon grease.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11233,
"title": "Fat"
},
{
"body": "What did Puffy say when Ben asked him about J-LO ? \r\n\r\n\"Take that, take that\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11237,
"title": "Puffy"
},
{
"body": "How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nNone. Wizards don't use lightbulbs!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 11243,
"title": "How Many Wizards Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?"
},
{
"body": "What math term tells what acorns say when they are a tree???\r\n\r\nGeometry!!\r\n(Geo-m-e-try)\r\n(Gee I'm a tree)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11244,
"title": "Acorn Trees"
},
{
"body": "Your dad is Santa Claus and your mom is A HO HO HO!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11248,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "-Knock Knock!\r\n-Who's there?\r\n-You know.\r\n-You know who?\r\n-Thats right, avada kedavra!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 11251,
"title": "Knock Knock, Harry P"
},
{
"body": "I love it when you go down on me... you relieve so much tension and stress... but when you're making me feel really good, you come back up...\r\n\r\nStupid gas prices...",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11254,
"title": "Go Down"
},
{
"body": "The other day I went to a zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shihtzu.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11256,
"title": "A Day Out at the Zoo."
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat she should get cingular on her stomach so she can get rollover minutes.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11262,
"title": "Cingular Wireless"
},
{
"body": "Paddy:- \"Hello, is that 77 77 77? Can you call 911, my finger is stuck in the 7\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11263,
"title": "Hello? 77 77 77?"
},
{
"body": "Why should you have only one egg for breakfast? Because un oeuf is enough!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11265,
"title": "Breakfast Ration?"
},
{
"body": "Joe: Do you know the difference between a chicken and lettuce?\r\n\r\nJill: No.\r\n\r\nJoe: Remind me not to send you to the supermarket!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11266,
"title": "Chicken Vs. Lettuce"
},
{
"body": "Buck\r\nFush",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 11267,
"title": "Bumper Sticker"
},
{
"body": "I don't believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11269,
"title": "Reincarnation"
},
{
"body": "You used to have two brains.\r\nOne you lost a long time ago, \r\n\r\nand the other one went looking for it!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11270,
"title": "Two Brains"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so poor she had to save up to pay attention!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11271,
"title": "So Poor"
},
{
"body": "Why are they called old sayings? Are they really old? If someone came up with a new one, would it be a new saying?\r\n\r\n\"A penny saved is a penny earned.\"\r\nWho cares about a penny? A more appropriate version would be, \"A penny saved is absolutely worthless. Try a quarter next time.\"\r\n\r\n\"An apple a day keeps the doctor away.\"\r\nWhy? What if apples went extinct? What would happen then? What if you were allergic to them? What if your dad was a doctor? Would that keep him away?\r\n\r\n\"Ignorance is bliss.\"\r\nI though bliss was a GOOD thing...\r\n\r\n\"Don't count your chickens before they are hatched.\"\r\nBut you can't! Before they are hatched, they'd be EGGS.\r\n\r\n\"Ask no questions and hear no lies.\"\r\nBut what if they tell them anyway?\r\n\r\n\"Time is money.\"\r\nBut money isn't time...\r\n\r\n\"Every bird loves to hear himself sing.\"\r\nAnnoying people don't have anything better to do than listen to themselves talk. (Bonus: Ask them, \"Do you just like to hear yourself talk?\")\r\n\r\n\"Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.\"\r\nWhat about women? Does it really make you wealthy?\r\n\r\n\"There is safety in numbers.\"\r\nIf I had a math book, and 50 Native Americans are trying to kill me, the numbers in the book won't do me much good, eh?\r\n\r\n\"Every picture tells a story.\"\r\nEven a stick figure?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11272,
"title": "Old Sayings and Their Real Meanings (1)"
},
{
"body": "Q: how many men does it take to screw in a light bulb\r\n\r\nA: 3, one to screw in the light bulb an 2 to listen to him brag about the \"srewing\" part",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 11274,
"title": "How Many..."
},
{
"body": "Kurt and Megan (a blonde) were bored in math class and one day when they decided to play \"The Calculator Game\". I'm sure many people reading this remember it - it's the one where you enter \"1 + 1 =\" into your calculator and continue pressing the \"=\" sign. The goal is to see who can get to the highest number while the math teacher is talking. Bring back any memories? Anyways, Kurt and Megan waited until the teacher started talking, and the contest was on! Fingers were pushing the \"=\" sign like mad. A hour and a half later, Kurt and Megan compared results. Kurt showed his number: 5,318,008. Megan said, \"I don't get it. I was feeling so clever and I thought I'd play a trick on you, but I'm still at 1!!!\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, what trick did you play?\" Said Kurt.\r\n\r\nMegan said, \"I know that multiplication makes numbers bigger than addition does, so instead of pushing 1 + 1 =, =, =, =, ..., I pushed 1 x 1 = = = = =...\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11275,
"title": "Calculators"
},
{
"body": "Enter this old elementary school story onto your calculator fun a cheap laugh - the numbers or signs that you should enter are in quotes.\r\n\r\nOnce upon a time, there was an old lady who was \"69\" years old. She had always thought that her boobs were \"222\" (too too too) big. So she went to \"51\" (fifty-first) street to see Doctor \"X\" \"8\" times. When she came back, she was...*turn calculator upside-down and read*",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11276,
"title": "Calculator Joke"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat and stupid, when she stepped on the scale she went running to me saying \"Look! Look! The scale talks!\" I dropped my purse onto it to test this theory and it said, \"hI\" in the area where the numbers usually show up. Yo momma said, \"See!? When I stepped on it, it said, 'hELLO!'\" I told her, \"The scale's upside-down.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11277,
"title": "14, 07734"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Whats usually used as the conductor of electricity?\r\nOrville: Why-er....\r\nTeacher: Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?\r\nOrville: The what?\r\nTeacher: That's absolutely right, the watt.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11278,
"title": "Teacher"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Oscar, if you had five pieces of candy, and Joey asked for one, how many would you have left?\r\nOscar: Five.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11279,
"title": "Oscar"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: If you stood with your back to the north and faced due south, what would be on your left hand?\r\nLisa: Fingers",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11280,
"title": "Lisa"
},
{
"body": "What is the secret of success?\r\n\"push\" said the doorbell\r\n\"never be lead\" said the pencil\r\n\"Take panes\" said the window\r\n\"always keep cool\" said the ice\r\n\"never lose your head\" said the drum\r\n\"make light of everything\" said the fire\r\n\"be sharp in all your dealings\" said the knife\r\n\"find a good thing and stick to it\" said the glue",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11281,
"title": "Success"
},
{
"body": "Good luck turns into bad luck when you call the credit card company to tell them they made a mistake on your bill..... and they agree because they didn't charge you enough.\r\n\r\nGood luck turns into bad luck when the cutest boy rings you up.... then apologies because he dialed the wrong number.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11282,
"title": "Good Luck, Bad Luck"
},
{
"body": "Waiter, why is my food all mushed up?\r\n-Well, you did ask me to step on it.\r\n\r\nWaiter, these eggs are bad.\r\n-Don't blame me. I only laid the table.\r\n\r\nWaiter, is there soup on my menu?\r\n-No, I wiped it off.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 11283,
"title": "Waiter"
},
{
"body": "Whats faster than a speeding bullet, more powerfull than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings and has a carpark?\r\n\r\nSuper market",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11284,
"title": "Faster"
},
{
"body": "University scientists have released the results of a recent analysis that reveals the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. It turns out that the \"hops\" in beer contain certain phyto-estrogens, and scientists believe that be drinking enough beer, men may turn into women. In the study, 100 male volunteers were asked to drink 8 pints of beer in one hour. The results were observed and recorded. At the end of one hour, every single subject had developed female characteristics and the test was terminated. The data is provided below:\r\nAfter one hour, 100% of the test subjects:\r\n1. gained weight.\r\n2. talked excessively without making sense.\r\n3. became overly emotional.\r\n4. couldn't drive.\r\n5. failed to think rationally.\r\n6. argued over nothing.\r\n7. had to sit down while urinating.\r\n8. refused to apologize when obviously wrong.\r\nAfter these eight symptoms, no further testing was necessary.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11286,
"title": "Beer Study"
},
{
"body": "This is a certified true story.\r\nOne of the instructors at the local training centre decided to try to pull the leg of one the labourers who worked there.\r\nHe told the lad, who lived in a little fishing port about 12 miles away, that there was a job coming available soon in his home town.\r\nThe lad asked what job this was, and was told that the job was not very arduous, but paid good money because it involved unsocial hours, going out to the end of the 679 meter pier twice a day and telling the tide when it was time to come in.\r\n\"You must think I'm soft\", he said, and the boys thought he'd twigged, only for him to restore their faith in his stupidity -\r\n\"That sort of job is handed down from father to son; I've no chance\",he says!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11287,
"title": "Talk to the Tide"
},
{
"body": "There is a very simple way to explain the theory of mind over matter.\r\n\r\nOnce you lose you mind, nothing matters.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11289,
"title": "Mind Over Matter"
},
{
"body": "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.\r\n\r\nMan with face in toilet is shit faced.\r\n\r\nMan who fools around with neighbour's wife at wrong time of month get caught red handed.\r\n\r\nMan who fart in church sit in own pew.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11290,
"title": "Confucius Says..."
},
{
"body": "How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11297,
"title": "To Kill a Circus"
},
{
"body": "A complex is a phobia.\r\n\r\nA complex is a large building.\r\n\r\nA complex is another word for complicated.\r\n\r\nSo if you have a phobia about complicated large buildings, you might be said to have a complex complex complex.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11298,
"title": "3 Complexes"
},
{
"body": "Billy: i know a person who is 35 and still in 4th grade!\r\n\r\nEddie: Really! who? \r\n\r\nBilly: My teacher!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11299,
"title": "4th Grade"
},
{
"body": "3 guys are driving down the road and realize that they all have to use the bathroom very badly. They come around a corner and see a sign \"Green Gables next right\". So thye take the right turn and come up to Green Gables, they all jump out of the car and run insode to see if they can use the washroom.\r\n\r\nThey are greeted by a nice old lady who says sure they can use the washroom.\r\n\r\nThe first guy runs up stairs and sits on the toilet and immediatley notices a hole in the floor at his feet with a table under it. All of a sudden he hears \"Hey Hey I'm the ghost of Green Gables lay your money on the tables.\" He grabs all his money and throws it down the hole and runs back down stairs. When he gets there he tries to tell his friend but he does not listen and runs up to the washroom. Sure enough the guy hears a voice \"Hey Hey I'm the ghost of Green Gables lay you money on the tables\". He throws his money down the hole and runs down stairs and tries to tell the third guuy who does not listen.\r\n\r\nThe third guy runs up the stairs and sits on the toilet and hears a voice \"Hey Hey I'm the ghost of Green Gables lay your money on the tables\". The guy just sits there, five minutes later the chant comes again \"Hey Hey I'm the ghost of Green Gables lay your money on the tables.\" The guy stands up and yells down the hole \"HEY HEY I'M THE GHOST OF DAVEY CROCKET AND MY MONEY'S STAYING IN MY DAMN POCKET!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11300,
"title": "Green Gables"
},
{
"body": "It must suck being a penis because-\r\n\r\n1. Your best friends are nuts\r\n2. Your closest neighbour is an asshole\r\n3. You vomit when you're excited\r\n4. Your owner abuses you\r\n\r\nAnd if you're in the mood-\r\n\r\n5. You work double-duty on Tuesday.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11303,
"title": "It Must Suck Being a Penis"
},
{
"body": "Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, \"Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?\"\r\n\r\nShe was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. \"It's called sexual intercourse, darling.\"\r\n\r\nLittle Tony just said, \"Oh, okay.\" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. \r\n\r\nA few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, \"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! Oh, Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11304,
"title": "Slight Misunderstanding"
},
{
"body": "What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?\r\n\r\nDam!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11305,
"title": "Fish"
},
{
"body": "yo mamma is so thin when she turns sidways she dissapears",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11308,
"title": "YO MAMMA............"
},
{
"body": "How do the chinese get their names?\r\n\r\nTheir parents kick a can down the street...\r\n\r\nching chang chung bing....",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11309,
"title": "Chinese Names"
},
{
"body": "What do you say to a blonde who looks stupid in her ear muffs?\r\n\r\nAnything you want! She cant hear you!\r\n\r\n\r\n P.S. no offence to blondes!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11310,
"title": "Most Funny"
},
{
"body": "What did the fish say when he crashed into a wooden wall?\r\n\r\nBeaver damn!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11311,
"title": "Fish 2"
},
{
"body": "What do you do if you find your old man staggering around the backyard?\r\nShoot him again!!!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11312,
"title": "Men Suck"
},
{
"body": "Your face is so ugly, we're going to war over it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11313,
"title": "Your Face"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's a pick up line in a gay bar??\r\n\r\nA: Would you like me to push your stool in?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11314,
"title": "Gay Bar"
},
{
"body": "Your face is so oily, we're going to war over it.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11315,
"title": "Your Face 2"
},
{
"body": "your mom is like paris hilton ... a dirty whore",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11317,
"title": "Haha"
},
{
"body": "Why didn't the chicken cross the road?\r\n\r\nTo prove he was chicken!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11320,
"title": "Why Didn't the Chicken Cross the Road?"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so poor, when I went to her house to use the bathroom, she told me to pick a corner.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11322,
"title": "Poor Momma #1"
},
{
"body": "Your floor is so dirty, I stepped inside and said \"Nice carpet.\" You said, \"Man, those are cockroaches!\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11326,
"title": "Dirty Floor"
},
{
"body": "One time I went school shopping... AND BOUGHT THREE SCHOOLS!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11327,
"title": "School Shoppin'"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so cheap, she went to McDonalds and put a hamburger on lay-away.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11331,
"title": "Cheap"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's breath smells so bad, her teeth packed up and left.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11332,
"title": "Bad Breath"
},
{
"body": "If you work without a shirt on, and so does your husband, you might be a redneck.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 11333,
"title": "U Might be"
},
{
"body": "one of my friends was in trouble because he had sex with his teacher, but the bad part is he's home schooled",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11334,
"title": "Funny"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so stupid, she jumped out the window and fell up.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11336,
"title": "Duh"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, I got stuck in her shadow.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11337,
"title": "Fatty"
},
{
"body": "Bloke stayed up all night, wondering where the sun had gone; then it dawned on him.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11338,
"title": "Where's the Sun?"
},
{
"body": "Q:How many egotists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA:Just one. He holds up the lightbulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 11339,
"title": "Egotists"
},
{
"body": "My brother and I were sitting at the computer reading the daily teaser from the past week. I read the last one (April 30th 2006) and my sister(who is a blonde) walks in to get a drink. I'm reading a line that says:\"But, madam!\", replied the bellman, and my sister walks up behind me and says \"What did you call me?!\" and I say, \"Well I didn't call you any thing. I was reading this joke and she says, \"Oh well I thought you were calling me a damn bitch!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11340,
"title": "My Little Blonde Sister"
},
{
"body": "My home town is so small, we have part-time village idiot.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11341,
"title": "Village Idiot"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is like a lollipop, she is round and has been licked by everyone",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11343,
"title": "Lollipop"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so stupid, she thought Fruit Punch was a gay boxer",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11344,
"title": "Stupid..."
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so dumb, she was on her way to the airport and saw a sign that said, \"Airport Left\" so she turned around and went home",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11345,
"title": "Dumby!"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so stupid, she has a peep hole in the glass door!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11346,
"title": "..."
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so short, she stepped in a puddle and drowned.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11348,
"title": "So Short"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so poor, she has never seen 50 cent--and ! ain't talkin about the rapper!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11349,
"title": "50 Cent"
},
{
"body": "1.) Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. \r\n\r\n2.) A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. \r\n\r\n3.) Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. \r\n\r\n4.) For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. \r\n\r\n5.) Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. \r\n\r\n6.) Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. \r\n\r\n7.) Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. \r\n\r\n8.) Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. \r\n\r\n9.) We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.\r\n\r\n10.) Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.\r\n\r\n11.) Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!\r\n\r\n12.) Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.\r\n\r\n13.) 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.\r\n\r\n14.) Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.\r\n\r\n15.) Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.\r\n\r\n16.) Illiterate? Write today for free help.\r\n\r\n17.) Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.\r\n\r\n18.) At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: \"Belt your family. It's the law.\"\r\n\r\n19.) On a ski lift in Taos, NM: \"No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.\"\r\n\r\n20.) A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads: \"Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!\"\r\n\r\n21.) I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant. The sign read: \"Women are not served here. You have to bring your own.\"\r\n\r\n22.) In a New York restaurant: \"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.\"\r\n\r\n23.) In a Florida maternity ward: \"No children allowed.\"\r\n\r\n24.) On a display of 'I love you only' Valentine cards: \"Now available in multi-packs.\"\r\n\r\n25.) In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: \"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.\"\r\n\r\n26.) In a funeral parlor: \"Ask about our layaway plan.\"\r\n\r\n27.) In a Pennsylvania cemetery: \"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.\"\r\n\r\n28.) In front of a New Hampshire car wash: \"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.\" \r\n\r\n29.) Sign in a shoe store: \"Come in and have a fit.\"\r\n\r\n30.) Sign on fence: \"Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.\"\r\n\r\n31.) Sign at the dry cleaner's window: \"Drop your pants here.\"\r\n\r\n32.) Sign in a Norwegian lounge: \"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.\" \r\n\r\n33.) Sign in beauty shop window: \"Dye now!\"\r\n\r\n34.) Sign on restaurant window: \"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11350,
"title": "Funny Ads..."
},
{
"body": "It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:\r\n\r\n\"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" answered the priest, \"that's not a sin.\"\r\n\r\n\"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed.\" \r\n\r\n\"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question...\" \r\n\r\n\"What is that, my son?\" \r\n\r\n\"Do I have to tell him the war is over?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 11351,
"title": "Hide Him During the War."
},
{
"body": "The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.\r\n\r\nScouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. \r\n\r\nThe outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. \r\n\r\nEvening massage - 6 p.m. \r\n\r\nThe Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. \r\n\r\nThe audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. \r\n\r\nLow Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door. \r\n\r\nUshers will eat latecomers. \r\n\r\nThe third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. \r\n\r\nFor those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. \r\n\r\nThe Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. \r\n\r\nThe pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, \"Break Forth Into Joy.\" \r\n\r\nDuring the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. \r\n\r\nNext Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on \"It's a Terrible Experience.\" \r\n\r\nDue to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. \r\n\r\nStewardship Offertory: \"Jesus Paid It All\" \r\n\r\nThe music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. \r\n\r\nRemember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. \r\n\r\nThe eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. \r\n\r\nThe concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. \r\n\r\nTwenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. \r\n\r\nA song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. \r\n\r\nToday's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir. \r\n\r\nHymn 43: \"Great God, what do I see here?\" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett\r\nHymn 47: \"Hark! An awful voice is sounding\" \r\n\r\nOn a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better. \r\n\r\nPotluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow. \r\n\r\nDon't let worry kill you off - let the church help. \r\n\r\nThe 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. \r\n\r\nPastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 11352,
"title": "Church Bloopers"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so poor, she reuses her toilet paper.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11355,
"title": "Toilet Paper"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, on her drivers' license it says, \"picture continued onto other side.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11356,
"title": "Huge"
},
{
"body": "One day, a blonde decided to build a brick wall, so she went to a home depot.\r\nWhile a worker was walking down an aisle, he saw the blonde walking around in circles looking confused, so he went over and asked her what she wanted to make. She answered that she wanted to make a brick wall.\r\nThen the worker asked her what size; after thinking thoroughly she answered, \"And they say blondes are stupid; how am I supposed to know? There is no fence to measure.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11358,
"title": "What Size?"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why do blondes insist on guys wearing condoms?\r\nA: So they'll have a doggie bag for later.\r\n\r\nQ: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?\r\nA: \"Are you sure it's mine?\" \r\n\r\nQ: What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus? \r\nA: One has whiskers and fishy flaps, the other is a walrus \r\n\r\nQ: What does a blonde say after she graduates from college? \r\nA: \"Hi, welcome to McDonalds.\" \r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? \r\nA: Last year's hide and seek champ. \r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? \r\nA: A space invader. \r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? \r\nA: Gifted! \r\n\r\nQ: How do blonde brain cells die? \r\nA: Alone.\r\n\r\nQ: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? \r\nA: Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese. \r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? \r\nA: Pregnant. \r\n\r\nQ: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? \r\nA: Artificial intelligence. \r\n\r\nQ: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them. \r\n\r\nQ How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?\r\nA: There's Tippex on the screen. \r\n\r\nQ: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the same computer? \r\nA: There's writing on the Tippex. \r\n\r\nQ: How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle? \r\nA: Shine a flashlight in her ear. \r\n\r\nQ. Did you hear about the blond man who had 8 vasectomies? \r\nA. He had to -- his wife kept getting pregnant!\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a blonde with pig tails? \r\nA: A blow job with handle bars.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11364,
"title": "The Best Blonde Jokes"
},
{
"body": "\"How come you're late?\" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.\r\n\"It was awful,\" she explains. \"I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my training came back to me in a minute.\" \r\n\"What did you do?\" asks the bartender.\r\n\"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11366,
"title": "First AID"
},
{
"body": "Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, \"Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.\" \r\nThirty minutes later the captain announced, \"One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines.\" \r\nAn hour later the captain announced, \"One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left.\" \r\nA young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, \"If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11369,
"title": "Flying"
},
{
"body": "She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. \r\n\r\n-She tripped over the cordless phone. \r\n\r\n-She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.\r\n\r\n-She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.\r\n\r\n-At the bottom of the application where is says \"Sign here\", she wrote Sagittarius.\r\n\r\n-If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.\r\n\r\n-When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved. \r\n\r\n-She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night. \r\n\r\n-She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said \"Concentrate\".",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11370,
"title": "They are So Stupid"
},
{
"body": "Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. \r\n\r\nThe doctor walks in and Michael asks: \"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?\" \r\n\r\nThe doctor replies, \"I'd wait until he's at least 14.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11371,
"title": "How Long?"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so stupid, she thinks N*SYNC is where the dirty dishes are put.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11374,
"title": "Nsync"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so hunchbacked, she has to wear safety goggles when she pees.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11375,
"title": "Hunchback"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, she wore an X-Files T-shirt and a helicopter landed on her.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11376,
"title": "X-files"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so stupid, she got fired from an M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11377,
"title": "M&M Job"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11378,
"title": "$$$"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, she fell over trying to rock herself to sleep and couldn't get back up.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11379,
"title": "Sleepy"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11380,
"title": "Halloween"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so dumb she asked for a price check at the .99 cent store!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11382,
"title": "The 99 Cent Store"
},
{
"body": "The sky was dark \r\nThe moon was high \r\nWe were alone \r\nJust she and I \r\nHer hair was brown \r\nHer eyes were too \r\nI knew just what \r\nShe wanted to do \r\nSo with my courage \r\nI did my best \r\nAnd placed my hand \r\nUpon her breast \r\nI trembled and shook \r\nAnd felt her heart \r\nSlowly she spread \r\nHer legs apart \r\nI knew she was ready \r\nBut I didn't know how \r\nIt was my first try \r\nAt milking a cow",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11386,
"title": "Barnyard Poem"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a lonely fisherman? \r\n\r\nA Master-Baiter",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11387,
"title": "Lonely Fisherman"
},
{
"body": "Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11390,
"title": "Wizard Of Oz (the Truth From Dorothy)"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?\r\nA: A collie-flower!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11391,
"title": "Dog and Rose"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: I hope I didn't see you copying the test from your friend.\r\nStudent: I hope you didn't either",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11396,
"title": "Cheating"
},
{
"body": "What do you call an elephant chasing a cat? Depends on what his name is.....",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11397,
"title": "Chasing a Cat"
},
{
"body": "Jr: This year I failed every class except biology. \r\nMary: How did you do that? \r\nJr: Easy, I didn't take biology",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11399,
"title": "Biology"
},
{
"body": "Q: What did one arithmetic book say to the other? \r\n\r\nA: I have a lot of problems.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11400,
"title": "Arithmetic"
},
{
"body": "Once, I was walking along our road and saw a man who appeared to be very old and well-lived sitting in a rocking chair. Surely, I thought, this man had all the answers. So I asked, \"How did you live to such a healthy old age?\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"I do lots of drugs, eat lots of sugars and fats, I smoke, and I never exercise.\"\r\n\r\n\"Wow,\" I said, \"how old are you again??\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm 22.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11401,
"title": "Old Man"
},
{
"body": "MONDAY\r\n8:00 - \"Husseinfeld\"\r\n8:30 - \"Mad About Everything\"\r\n9:00 - \"Suddenly Sanctions\"\r\n9:30 - \"The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show\"\r\n10:00 - \"Allah McBeal\" \r\nTUESDAY:\r\n8:00 - \"Wheel of Terror and Fortune\"\r\n8:30 - \"The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right\"\r\n9:00 - \"Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things\"\r\n9:30 - \"Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers\"\r\n10:00 - \"Buffy The Infidel Slayer\" \r\n\r\nWEDNESDAY:\r\n8:00 - \"U.S. Military Secrets Revealed\"\r\n8:30 - \"When The Northern Alliance Attacks\"\r\n9:00 - \"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread\"\r\n9:30 - \"Just Shoot Everyone\"\r\n10:00 - \"Veilwatch\" \r\n\r\nTHURSDAY:\r\n8:00 - \"Matima Loves Chachi\"\r\n8:30 - \"M*U*S*T*A*S*H\"\r\n9:00 - \"Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils\"\r\n9:30 - \"My Two Baghdads\"\r\n10:00 - \"Diagnosis: Heresy\"\r\n\r\n\r\nFRIDAY:\r\n8:00 - \"Judge Laden\"\r\n8:30 - \"Funniest Super 8 Home Movies\"\r\n9:00 - \"Captured Northern Alliance Rebels Say the Darndest Things\"\r\n9:30 - \"Achmed's Creek\"\r\n10:00 - \"No-witness News\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 11402,
"title": "Osama's Favorite TV Shows"
},
{
"body": "I heard some guys talking about you yesterday. One said that you weren't fit to sleep with pigs, but I stuck up for you; I said you were!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11409,
"title": "Sleeping With Pigs"
},
{
"body": "\"You know that the world is going crazy when: the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.\" -Chris Rock",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 11410,
"title": "We Live in a Crazy World..."
},
{
"body": "What's green and turns red at the touch of a button?\r\n\r\nA frog in a liquidizer!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11411,
"title": "The Frog"
},
{
"body": "There was a family of gnus, and one day, Mr Gnu went out to get some food but was ambushed and eaten by a pride of lions.\r\n\r\nNext salute, a poacher shoots Mrs Gnu, leaving poor Baby Gnu to starve to death.\r\n\r\nWell, that's the end of the gnus; here's the weather . . .",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11412,
"title": "No Gnus is Good Gnus"
},
{
"body": "Money may not grow on trees, but it would seem as if morons like you certainly do.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11413,
"title": "What Grows on Trees?"
},
{
"body": "If Ida Lupino married George Wendt, then divorced him to marry Ted Danson, divorced him to marry Alan Alda, then divorced him to marry Ted Knight, and divorced him to marry Shelly Long, she'd be Ida Wendt Danson Alda Knight Long.\r\n\r\nIf Whoopi Goldberg married Peter Cushing, she'd be Whoopi Cushing.\r\n\r\nIf Swoosie Kurtz married Patrick Swayze, she'd be Swoosie Swayze.\r\n\r\nIf Flip Wilson married Les Aucoin, he'd be Flip Aucoin.\r\n\r\nIf Barbara Hershey married John Candy, divorced him to marry Roseanne Barr, she'd be Barbara Hershey Candy Barr.\r\n\r\nIf Julie Emry married Jeff Gillooly, divorced him to marry Darlene Hooley, then divorced her to marry Wes Cooley, she'd be Julie Gillooly Hooley Cooley.\r\n \r\nIf Ivana Trump married Neil Diamond, divorced him to marry Jack Nicklaus, then divorced him to marry John Darling, she'd be Ivana Diamond Nicklaus Darling.\r\n\r\nIf Julie London married Beau Bridges, divorced him and married composer Manuel de Falla, then married Hugh Downs, she'd be Julie London Bridges Falla Downs.\r\n\r\nIf Darryl Strawberry married Sally Field, and they never divorced, he'd be Darryl Strawberry Field forever.\r\n\r\nIf Ali McGraw married Muhammad Ali, divorced him to marry folk singer Hoyt Axton, divorced him to marry basketball player World B. Free, she'd be Ali Ali Axton Free.\r\n\r\nIf Aretha Franklin married Buddy Holly, she'd be Aretha Holly.\r\n\r\nIf Ellen Barkin married Alan Arkin, they'd be Ellen and Alan\r\nBarkin-Arkin.\r\n\r\nIf Whoopi Goldberg married Sandra Dee, divorced her and married Scooby Doo, she'd be Whoopi Dee Doo.\r\n\r\nIf Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.\r\n\r\nIf Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.\r\n\r\nHow about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.\r\n\r\nIf G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.\r\n\r\nNog (Quark's brother on \"Star Trek: Deep Space Nine\") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.\r\n\r\nIf Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.\r\n\r\nIf Jack Handy (\"SNL\" writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.\r\n\r\nIf Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.\r\n\r\nIf Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.\r\n\r\nIf Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.\r\n\r\nFinally, if Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced, and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, she'd be \"Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11420,
"title": "Marriages Made In . . . .?"
},
{
"body": "A ninety-year-old couple was going to bed, and the old lady was feeling romantic. She said to her husband, \"I remember, when we were younger, how you used to hold my hand at night.\" Grumbling under his breath, her husband reached over and held her hand. Shortly after, she said, \"I remember how, when we were younger, you kissed me every night before we went to sleep.\" Really getting ticked off, the husband gave her a quick peck on the cheek. Then she said, \"I remember how, when we were younger, you used to bite my neck.\" Angrily, the man threw the covers off of himself and stormed out of the room Surprised, the woman called after him asking what he is doing. \"Going to get my teeth!\" he replied.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11422,
"title": "The Old Couple"
},
{
"body": "How do you make a cat sound like a dog?\r\n\r\nPour petrol on him and set him on fire, and he'll go \"WOOF\"!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11423,
"title": "Cat & Dog"
},
{
"body": "Your Mom's so old that she was alive when the Raiders had both eyes.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11425,
"title": "SO OLD"
},
{
"body": "Life is like a dick... when it gets hard fuck it!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11426,
"title": "DICK"
},
{
"body": "Many of the trees and rainforests are being cut down. \r\n\r\nSo in effort the B.H.O.A. made a slogan,\r\n\r\nSave a tree\r\nBurn a bush \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBush as in former president",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 11429,
"title": "Bush"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, it takes 20 navy ships just to get her half way across the ocean, and they run out of gas. Then she farts and goes around the world 2 times.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11431,
"title": "Yo Mamma"
},
{
"body": "In this age of political correctness we must reajust our terms. People are no longer concidered gay, here are two better options:\r\n\r\nGood: A wanabe transvestite\r\nBest: Heterosexually challenged.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11434,
"title": "New Meanings..."
},
{
"body": "A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says \"Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four\".\r\n\r\nInstantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.\r\n\r\nThis time the husband crosses his fingers and says \"Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!\".\r\n\r\nAgain, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11437,
"title": "The Magic Mirror"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so skinny, when it's pouring outside, she can dodge the raindrops",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11441,
"title": "Water"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so stupid she went to McDonalds and thought she could buy the whole menu for a $",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11443,
"title": "YO Momma Stupid"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat, when God said let there be light, he asked your mom to move over.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11444,
"title": "Momma"
},
{
"body": "1. Walk to your neighbor's house and ask in your best British accent, \"May I borrow a cup of pants?\"\r\n\r\n2. Go over to a friend's house, take off your shirt, put on one of theirs and leave.\r\n\r\n3. When a telemarketer calls, say, \"Welcome to Hell! Satan speaking, how may we reap your soul today?\"\r\n\r\n4. Randomly say quotes from the movie Anchorman out of context.\r\n\r\n5. Wake up really early. Sneak into your neighbor's house, get the newspaper, brew up some coffee, make breakfast, and wait for him to see you. Then scream and promptly exclaim, \"What are you doing in my house?!?!?!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11447,
"title": "Fun Things To Do"
},
{
"body": "The old Lord of the Manor was finally on his death-bed, and had called his servants to his bed-side.\r\n\r\nTo his butler, he said, \"Jeeves, you have been with me now for nearly 40 years, and for your loyal service I shall leave you Ashley Hall, with its 74 rooms, and a 100% pension.\" \"Thank you, your lordship,\" said Jeeves.\r\n\r\nTurning to the house-keeper, \"Jurby, you have been in my employ for 25 years, and for your excellent running of the house, I leave you Grantley Hall with its 42 rooms, and a 75% pension.\" \"Thank you, your lordship,\" said Jurby.\r\n\r\nFinally, he turned to the chauffeur, \"Parker, you have been with me now for 6 months, and in that time you have crashed my 1912 Rolls Royce, blown up the engine in the Le Mans-winning 1928 Bentley, and got the maid pregnant. I'm leaving you bugger all.\"\r\n\r\n\"Thank you, your lordship; and how many rooms does that have?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11448,
"title": "The Lord Giveth . . ."
},
{
"body": "A British girl recently moved to the United States and their home was near the Colorado River in Texas.\r\n\r\nThe English teacher asked the kids to write about their home and neighborhood. The British girl wrote \"My home is near the Colourado River.\" as part of her work.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11449,
"title": "Colorado River"
},
{
"body": "Andy was a staunch Republican, while Mary was Democrat through and through. They met at a political rally, and spent many hours arguing back and forth, until eventually love blossomed, and they got married.\r\nOn the wedding night, however, as many of their friends had prophesied, they argued.\r\nTurning their backs on each other, they went to sleep; but about 3 in the morning - \"I'm sorry, Andy. There's been a split in the Democrat Party, and if the Republican member stood now, he'd get in with no problem.\"\r\n\"Too late, the Republican member stood as an Independent, and lost his deposit!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 11450,
"title": "Party Politics"
},
{
"body": "An elderly lady went to a butcher's shop one day, and noticed that on the liver in the window were two white balls.\r\n\r\nBeing of a curious nature, she asked what these white balls might be, to be told that they were golf balls, and that placing them on the liver kept them supple.\r\n\r\nShe returns the following week, when there were four of these white balls lying on the liver.\r\n\r\n\"So you've shot another golfer, then?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11453,
"title": "Another Golf"
},
{
"body": "Note: Most of these will only work in middle or high school.\r\n\r\n1. When the bell rings, run out the classroom and when the hall is crowded, yell \"MARCO!\" See who answers.\r\n\r\n2. If you're in biology doing a lab, drop some water into a beaker and then duck under your desk screaming \"IT'S GONNA BLOW!\" When everyone stares, just say \"Oh, my mistake.\"\r\n\r\n3. Run to your next class randomly pointing at different people. At the top of your lungs, scream \"WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME? LEAVE ME ALONE!\"\r\n\r\n4. Randomly bust a dance move every now and then.\r\n\r\n5. Write notes to classmates saying, \"I need you for a top secret mission. Write back accepting or declining my request. This message will explode in ten seconds.\"\r\n\r\n6. Call someone that doesn't know you and strike a conversation. Twitch occasionally while talking.(normally only works in face to face conversations)\r\n\r\n7. Walk casually down the hall with people around, and pretend like someone is beating you up. Crash into the wall, trip your self, and if you haven't done it yet, now would also be a good time to follow #3. (Extra points if you suddenly start crying)\r\n\r\n8. Follow someone around and wait for him to pass some big guy. Bump into the big guy and say it was the guy you are following.\r\n\r\n9. Sneak some red dye into school and walk into the bathroom. Come out wearing it on your clothes and face. When people notice you, say, \"I can't believe it. He was too strong! There was no escape!\"\r\n\r\n10. Go around telling people that you are so proud of your B average.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11455,
"title": "10 Ways to Freak Out People at School"
},
{
"body": "There once was a man from Rangoon\r\nWhose farts could be heard on the moon;\r\nWhen you'd least expect 'em\r\nThey'd burst from his rectum\r\nWith the force of a raging typhoon!!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11456,
"title": "The Man From Rangoon"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so ghetto, both she and her dog have weave.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11457,
"title": "So Ghetto"
},
{
"body": "101 Hot 'n' Spicy Meals by Tung Payne",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11458,
"title": "Hot New Book"
},
{
"body": "A fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11459,
"title": "Fortune Teller"
},
{
"body": "Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11460,
"title": "Piano"
},
{
"body": "Have you ever noticed people who cough/sneeze/do just about anything they can to spread their germs to everyone and everywhere? Well basically their theory is make germs like forwards. Try to get them around the world in 40 days or less. Lets try to get rid of these people rather then the avian virus before there is an epidemic. So to all those classmates who sit behind you and refuse to covertheir mouths-Good day to you all. In the words of Tiny Tim \"and to all a good night.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11461,
"title": "Germs...are Kinda Like Forwards"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is such a whore... She gets more ass than a toilet seat!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11462,
"title": "Toilet Seat"
},
{
"body": "A man, traveling by plane, was in urgent need of a restroom facility but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies' room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. \r\n\r\n\r\nThere next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: \r\n WW WA PP ATR\r\n\r\nMaking the mistake soooo many men make, of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. \r\n\r\nHe carefully pressed the WW button and a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought \"Wow, these gals really have it nice!\" \r\n\r\nSo a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. \r\n\r\n\"Aha,\" he thought, \"no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!\" \r\n\r\nSo he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. \r\n\r\n\"Man, this is great,\" he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. \r\n\r\nWhen he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.\r\n\r\n\r\n \r\nHe said the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies' room on the plane. \r\n\r\nThe nurse explained, \"Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11463,
"title": "Watch Out For Those Ladies' Commode!"
},
{
"body": "What is green and yellow and eats nuts?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nGONORRHEA",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11467,
"title": "What Is......"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so fat, when she fell on the ground, I tried not to laugh, but the ground was cracking up!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11470,
"title": "Soooooooooooooooo FAT"
},
{
"body": "1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.\r\n\r\n2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.\r\n\r\n3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.\r\n\r\n4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.\r\n\r\n5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.\r\n\r\n6. You watch the Weather Channel.\r\n\r\n7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of \"hook up\" and \"break up.\"\r\n\r\n8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.\r\n\r\n9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as \"dressed up.\"\r\n\r\n10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.\r\n\r\n11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.\r\n\r\n12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any more.\r\n\r\n13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.\r\n\r\n14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.\r\n\r\n15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.\r\n\r\n16. You take naps.\r\n\r\n17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.\r\n\r\n18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.\r\n\r\n19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.\r\n\r\n20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer \"pretty good shit.\"\r\n\r\n21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.\r\n\r\n22. \"I just can't drink the way I used to\" replaces \"I'm never going to drink that much again.\"\r\n\r\n23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.\r\n\r\n24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.\r\n\r\n25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking \"Oh shit, what the hell happened?\"\r\n\r\n26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11472,
"title": "25 Signs You've Grown Up"
},
{
"body": "Tommy the Hedgehog was one of a rare sub-division which suffered a small but significant genetic defect.\r\n\r\nThis defect manifested itself in a malformed penis, which divided into four branches; though a little unusual, it was a good way to meet a lot of intrigued girl hedgehogs, so Tommy was a rather proud of this abnormality.\r\n\r\nOne peculiarity of his family was the way that he slept; curled up in a ball, lying on his back, and it was while taking a nap one day that he felt a terrible pain in the genital region.\r\n\r\nHe jumped up to see his penis disappear down the throat of a large cat.\r\n\r\n\"What the HELL are you playing at?\" shouted Tommy; \"I'm awfully sorry,\" replied the cat, \"it's just that I'm a four-point tool eater jaguar.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11474,
"title": "The Rare Hedgehog"
},
{
"body": "Three friends decided to check out a room in a hotel, but before the man gave them their key he said, \"In your room there is a window. If you jump out of it while wishing something outloud your wish will come true.\"\r\n\r\nThe three friends raced to their room, the first guy jumped out and said, \"I wish for a big pile of money!\" and landed in one. The second guy wished for a group of cheerleaders that would love him. He jumped out and landed in their arms. The third guy got a running start, tripped over the window frame and said, \"Crap!\" Let's just say he went back to wish for lots and lots of soap.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11475,
"title": "Had a Great Fall"
},
{
"body": "1. We are always clean.\r\n2. We are totally comfortable saying, \"I'll show you my breast if you show me your fly.\"\r\n3. Bathing suits. Need I say more?\r\n4. We WILL last the longest.\r\n5. We know several different paces.\r\n6. We LiKE it wet.\r\n7. We will never hesitate to get on our backs.\r\n8. We're good with our hips.\r\n9. We never have any extra \"baggage\" in places where there isn't supposed to be any.\r\n10. Not only do we put on latex fast and easy, but we go through enough of it in one year to cover our wallpaper with it.\r\n11. We aren't always looking to \"score\" like all other athletes.\r\n12. We don't \"play games.\"\r\n13. We go in hard, pull out fast, and come out wet.\r\n14. We won't give up when we're tired.\r\n15. Why would we want to play with balls???\r\n16. We find it normal to jam a piece of styrafoam between our legs.\r\n17. We dont like to wear pants.\r\n18. We can hold our breath for long periods of time.\r\n19. We usually get caught saying, \"Are you _____? Because I'm so used to seeing you without clothes on.\"\r\n20. Our daily apparel is held together by knots and is usually torn and see-through.\r\n21. We are determined, strong, smart when it comes to math, and tough.\r\n22. We find it perfectly normal to talk to people without clothes on.\r\n23. We can be really independent, so we wont be clingy.\"\r\n24. Every stroke is good for something different.\r\n25. When doing free style you can do it longer or faster.\r\n26. Backstroke: well apparently you can do it on your back and that takes skill.\r\n27. Breast stroke: you do it frog style and that's always fun and you can also do it underwater; if you're game! lol\r\n28. Butterfly is when you move your hips up and d own as fast as you can without stopping.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11478,
"title": "Why to Date a Swimmer"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so hairy, she got afros around her nipples!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11479,
"title": "Yo Momma So Hairy..."
},
{
"body": "This issue has been on my mind a lot lately. The lives of the innocent destroyed for the belief that they are mistakes. Many say that they're inadequate and that they deserve to be sent away. I'm sure they have feelings, too, though!\r\n\r\nSometimes I can't eat or sleep because I think about them so much. It's such an injustice! They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Given no notice, they are swept right out of this world with such speed and are never heard from ever again.\r\n\r\nSo many questions cloud my thoughts. How do they feel? Are they frightened or angry? Are they cold, lost and hungry? \r\n\r\nBut the one question that I cannot find the answer to is:\r\n\r\nWhat happens to those poor letters who get deleted?!?!?!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11480,
"title": "Letter Genocide"
},
{
"body": "Never have lunch with a chess player - I did once; there was a checkered tablecloth, and it took him half an hour to pass me the salt.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11481,
"title": "The Chess Player"
},
{
"body": "The pub landlord was delighted with the little puppy that he'd acquired, and the little puppy was very pleased with his new home.\r\n\r\nHe'd run around the place, just a bundle of energy - very inquisitive, examining this, looking into that, non-stop all day, until the inevitable happened and he caught his tail in a fast-closing door and lost it!\r\n\r\nTime passed, and as one human year equals seven dog years, eventually he went to dog-heaven, for an endless supply of dog biscuits, walks in paradise - well, you couldn't call it a dog's life!\r\n\r\nHowever, he felt incomplete, and one night around midnight, he went back in his ghostly form to ask to be made whole again.\r\n\r\n\"Sorry,\" said the landlord, \"you know very well I can't retail spirits after hours.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11483,
"title": "The Tale of the Dog"
},
{
"body": "There was a newlywed couple on their honeymoon in Antarctica. The bride asks her husband to gather berries; the husband asked, \"Why do you want berries; we are in Antartica?\" She replied with, \"I was just wondering if you would and if your penis shriveled, because my nipples are hard and if your penis does shrivel, I can heat it up in my vagina when you got back.\"\r\nThe husband ran out looking for berries. When he came back she asked, \"What took you so long?\"\r\nHe then said, \"Can we fuck now or what?\"\r\nShe said as long as you're not frost bit.\"\r\nSo they went up to their room and started kissing furiously; the next thing he knew, she was giving him the greatest head he had ever gotten. Then he laid her down on the bed and the heat of his breath on her thighs made her moan. Then they started making love furiously, all of a sudden someone bursts through the door and said, \"Honey, why are you fucking my twin?\" she was speechless.\r\nThe husband's twin then replies, \"I was just making sure she was good enough for you, and she passed.\" \r\n\r\n\r\np.s.\r\nThe husband and his twin are blonds.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11484,
"title": "The Blond Husband and His Twin"
},
{
"body": "Grey hair is hereditary - you get it from your kids.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11485,
"title": "Grey Hair"
},
{
"body": "Your Momma is so poor, when i picked up a penny she said \"You owe me my paycheck.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11486,
"title": "So Poor"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so old, when she was a kid the rainbows were black and white.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11490,
"title": "Rainbow"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a sock and a camera?\r\n\r\nOne takes five toes and one takes photos.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11491,
"title": "Viva La Difference"
},
{
"body": "If this offends anyone, PM me.\r\n\r\nYou know you're a Mexican when...\r\n\r\n1. Someone related to you has their name tattooed anywhere on their body.\r\n\r\n2. Your family goes to the flea market in their Sunday's best.\r\n\r\n3. Your birthday doesn't have cake, candy, and Coca-Cola but has fajitas, chicken, and tequila.\r\n\r\n4. When you've seen your uncle wearing your \"new\" clothes.\r\n\r\n5. Your favorite music is not rap, rock, pop, or oldies, but instead, Tejano.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11492,
"title": "5 Ways of Knowing You're A Mexican (1)"
},
{
"body": "My wife is so house-proud, we live next door.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11493,
"title": "My Wife"
},
{
"body": "In a recent survey, 4% of men preferred fat legs; 6% preferred skinny legs; while 90% preferred something in between.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11494,
"title": "In a Recent Survey . . ."
},
{
"body": "E.T phone home! \r\n\r\nThat must be one hell of a phone bill",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11495,
"title": "E.T"
},
{
"body": "How can you tell if a mathematician is an extrovert?\r\n\r\nHe looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11496,
"title": "Extroverted Mathematician"
},
{
"body": "Look at those ears! You have so much wax, that if I stuck a wick in there you would sing \"Happy Birthday!\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11497,
"title": "Ear Wax"
},
{
"body": "Two prostitutes moved to a new town, and on their first Sunday, went to church.\r\nOne of the girls was quite proud of her singing; the other felt she couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, so was quiet.\r\nAfter one desultory hymn, the priest berated the congregation, \"Quite clearly, there are some who are singing, and some who are not. Can we please have a more concerted effort for the other hymns?\"\r\nOne whisper to her friend, \"My word, how did he know about us so quickly?\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11499,
"title": "2 Girls Move"
},
{
"body": "One day a blonde went into a restaurant and decided she was going to order the free birthday dessert, even though it wasn't her birthday.\r\nA month later on her real birthday she went back to the restaurant with her family, and they had the same waiter.\r\nShe ordered the dessert again and the waiter recognized her.\r\n\r\nThis was her excuse:\r\n \"Oh that wasn't me that was my twin sister.\"\r\nLet's just say she wasn't going back anytime soon.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11500,
"title": "The Restaurant and the Blond"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?\r\n\r\nDyouthinkhesaurus",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11502,
"title": "Another Dinosaur"
},
{
"body": "A red-head heard there was a party being held, but when she arrived, they wouldn't let her in - it was a fancy-dress party!\r\n\r\nDisappointed but determined, she left, only to return shortly requesting admission.\r\n\r\nShe was wearing only a pair of red gloves and a pair of red shoes and when she was asked what her fancy dress was, she stood with hands raised and said, \"I'm the five of hearts, of course!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11503,
"title": "The Party"
},
{
"body": "GOSSIP: something that no one claims to like but everyone enjoys.\r\n\r\nKISS:\r\nTo a geographer: The shortest distance between two curves!\r\nTo a physicist: The contradiction of mouth due to expansion of heart.\r\nTo an accountant: A credit because it is profitable when returned.\r\n\r\nOBESITY: A surplus gone to waist.\r\n\r\nOLD AGE: When you wink at a woman and she says, \"Anything wrong with your eye, Uncle?\" \r\n\r\nRAINCOAT: Thunder wear!\r\n\r\nWRITER'S CRAMP: Authoritis!\r\n \r\nHEMOPHILLIA: A disease of blood with affinity (philia) to \"he\" (male) only.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11504,
"title": "Deft Definations"
},
{
"body": "Guy goes into a drug store and asks for deodorant.\r\nAssistant says, \"Aerosol or ball-type?\" to which he replies, \"Neither, it's for under my arms.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11505,
"title": "Deodorant"
},
{
"body": "Toothbrush: \"I have the dirtiest job in the world\"\r\n\r\nToilet Paper: \"Yeah...right\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11507,
"title": "Dirty Job"
},
{
"body": "Knock, knock\r\nWho's there? \r\nSome. \r\nSome who? \r\nSome asshole telling you knock, knock jokes.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 11510,
"title": "WTF???"
},
{
"body": "A high school teacher had become very annoyed. Very few of his students paid attention to him during class. This wouldn't be so bad if not for the fact that they were always brought in their iPods and CD players and pretended like they weren't in school. The teacher was fed up with scolding his students, assigning detentions, and confiscating the music devices. One day, he came up with, what he thought to be, a wonderful solution.\r\n\r\nIn the morning after all of the students filed in and sat down, and after the teacher walked around plucking headphones off of them, he called their attention.\r\n\r\n\"Class,\" he said with a pretentious smirk on his face, \"I've noticed that you all love music so much. I'm sure that I would enjoy hearing that which holds your attention all day, it must be fantastic. So from now on, when I catch someone listening to a music device, as a punishment, he or she will have to stand in front of the class and sing whatever they're listening to. And yes, that does include instrumental music.\"\r\n\r\nA voice in the back of the class piped up, \"Trust me, if you make us sing, that'll be more of a punishment for you!\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 11515,
"title": "Stop the Music!!!"
},
{
"body": "There once was a man from Nantucket,\r\nWhose cock was so long he could suck it,\r\nSaid he with a grin,\r\nAs he wiped off his chin,\r\nIf my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11516,
"title": "The Man From Nantucket"
},
{
"body": "Two elderly priests and a young novitiate were at the railway station to buy train tickets to Pittsburgh.\r\n\r\nThe young lady selling tickets was very pretty, and was wearing a rather low-cut dress which showed her ample mammaries to great advantage.\r\n\r\nThe novitiate approached the ticket booth and said, \"Three tickets to Tittsville, please.\" \"How dare you?\" remonstrated the ticket seller.\r\n\r\nThe young novitiate blushes and retires in confusion, so one of the priests says, \"Allow me. Three pickets to Tittsburgh, and please may I have the change in nipples an dimes.\"\r\n\r\nHe also retreats in embarrasment, so the eldest priest attempts to calm the now angry ticket seller.\r\n\r\n\"Three tickets to Pittsburgh, please, and you should cover up more than you are, or Saint Finger is going to shake his peter at you!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 11517,
"title": "The Train Journey"
},
{
"body": "There once was a girl from Darjeeling,\r\nWho could dance with exquisite feeling,\r\nThere wasn't a sound\r\nFor miles around,\r\nExcept fly buttons hitting the ceiling!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11518,
"title": "Gee, Darling"
},
{
"body": "John took Mary to the movies, and they both enjoyed the show very much.\r\nAfterwards, John asked Mary what she wanted to do; \"I want to get weighed,\" she said.\r\nHe took her to a drugstore, where the machine said she weighed 107 pounds, but for the rest of the night she pouted and sulked.\r\nWhen they finally got to her house, John tried to kiss her, but she said, \"Go on home now, I've had a wowsy time.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11519,
"title": "At the Movies"
},
{
"body": "I lent a friend of mine $5000 for plastic surgery.\r\nI can't get it back, because now I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11520,
"title": "What's He Like!"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, they took her x-ray and a picture of a McDonald's showed up on the screen.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11522,
"title": "X-ray"
},
{
"body": "What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when he hits your windshield?\r\n\r\nHis asshole!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11523,
"title": "The Fly"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, the little boy from THE SIXTH SENSE walked up to her and said \"Let me tell you my secret now...I see YOU...everywhere\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11524,
"title": "The Sixth Sense"
},
{
"body": "If I were to be pun-ish-ed\r\nFor every little pun I shed\r\nI'd hide me to a punny shed\r\nAnd there I'd hang my punnish head.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11525,
"title": "A Punny Poem"
},
{
"body": "(to be read aloud)\r\n\r\n'Twas in a restaurant they met\r\nRomeo and Juliet\r\nBut Romeo couldn't pay the bill\r\nSo Romee-owed what Julie ate (\"ett\").",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11526,
"title": "Romeo and Juliet"
},
{
"body": "A girl goes to her doctor, because she's found some unusual green marks on her thighs.\r\nAfter the doctor has examined the marks, she asks the girl some questions so that she can determine the cause.\r\n\"Do you have a boyfriend?\" \"Yes.\"\r\n\"Can you describe him?\" \"Ok; he's tall, dark, and works at the fairground.\"\r\n\"So he's a traveller?\" \"Yes, he is; any problems?\"\r\n\"No, no. I do think his earrings may be made of brass, though.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 11527,
"title": "The Traveller"
},
{
"body": "Justin and Tarquin were having a wonderful time at the fairground, trying all the attractions, until they arrived at the carousel.\r\n\r\nTarquin said, \"Let's go on this one, Justin.\" \r\n\"I'm tired right now,\" said Justin, \"you go ahead and I'll see you later.\"\r\n\r\nSo Tarquin goes on the carousel, but after a few minutes, the the carousel collapses in a heap.\r\n\r\n\"Tarquin, Tarquin, are you all right?\" calls Justin.\r\n\"All right? Of course I'm not all right; seven times I went past you, and you didn't wave once!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11528,
"title": "Justin and Tarquin"
},
{
"body": "The masked and armed man entered the bank.\r\n\r\n\"Nobody move, or you're geography!\" shouts the bandit.\r\n\r\nOne of the tellers says, \"Don't you mean 'history'?\"\r\n\r\n\"Don't change the subject!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11529,
"title": "The Bank Robber"
},
{
"body": "Why do black people wear hats with such big bills?\r\n\r\nSo birds don't shit on their lips",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11530,
"title": "Hats"
},
{
"body": "A pregnant woman was on a bus. As the bus was going along, the woman started to give birth. An off-duty doctor rushed to her side and started to help her. He shouted to the rest of the bus, \"Can someone help me?\" Then towards the back of the bus a blond got up and smashed the back window. The doctor turned to her and said, \"What did you do that for?\" The blond replied, \"Well it said on the window, In emergency, break glass.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11532,
"title": "In Emergency, Break Glass"
},
{
"body": "A family was eating out at a restaurant. The waiter who had been standing by them said in quite an upset manner \"Well I guess I'm gonna go home, make myself a cold tuna sandwich, watch the news, and then cry myself to sleep again.\" The mother of the family looks at him in pity and says \" would you like to join us?\" The waiter shouts back, \"Did you not just hear me?! I have an evening planned!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11534,
"title": "Restaurant"
},
{
"body": "What's gray and comes in packets?\r\nInstant elephant.\r\n\r\nWhat's gray and comes in buckets?\r\nAn elephant.\r\n\r\nWhat's gray and has a trunk?\r\nA mouse going on holiday.\r\n\r\nHow do elephants hide in cherry trees?\r\nThey paint their toe-nails red.\r\n\r\nHow do elephants get down from cherry trees?\r\nSit on a leaf and wait for fall.\r\n\r\nHow do elephants hide in custard?\r\nPaint the soles of their feet yellow and hide upside down.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11535,
"title": "Elephant Jokes (Plus One Mouse Joke)"
},
{
"body": "An Englishman, an American and a Frenchman were discussing a good example of savoir-faire.\r\n\r\n\"Ok,\" said the Englishman, \"if you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you didn't kill him, that to me, is savoir-faire.\"\r\n\r\n\"Not quite, fellas,\" said the American. \"If you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you said, 'Please carry on', that's savoir-faire.\"\r\n \r\n\"Mais non,\" said the Frenchman. \"If you came home and found your wife in bed with another man and you said, 'Please carry on', and he could, that's savoir-faire.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11536,
"title": "Savoir-Faire"
},
{
"body": "Bill had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. \r\n\r\n\"Who is the most obedient?\" he asked. \"Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?\" \r\n\r\nFive small voices answered in unison: \r\n\r\n\"Okay, Dad, you get the toy.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11539,
"title": "Whose Toy?"
},
{
"body": "-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. \r\n\r\n-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. \r\n\r\n-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. \r\n\r\n-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. \r\n\r\n-- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. \r\n\r\n-- Lymph (v.), to walk with a limp. \r\n\r\n-- Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash. \r\n\r\n-- Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. \r\n\r\n-- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. \r\n\r\n-- Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'. \r\n\r\n-- Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11540,
"title": "The Real Meanings"
},
{
"body": "A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. \r\n\r\nThe note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety. \r\n\r\nFailing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11543,
"title": "Nearsighted"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so fat you were born in the middle of the ocean!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11544,
"title": "Wet Baby"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so big, the Apollo 13 crashed into her head, right before it landed on the moon! Maybe that explains why she's so stupid.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11545,
"title": "Explains A Lot"
},
{
"body": "1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop. \r\n\r\n2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge \r\n\r\n3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral. \r\n\r\n4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead.\r\n\r\n5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference! \r\n\r\n6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away. \r\n\r\n7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back. \r\n\r\n8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Any More! \r\n\r\n9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In. \r\n\r\n10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In. \r\n\r\n11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink. \r\n\r\n12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! \r\n\r\n13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper! \r\n\r\n14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill. \r\n\r\n15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts. \r\n\r\n16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves. \r\n\r\n17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! \r\n\r\n18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What \"Fourth Down and Ten\" Means. \r\n\r\n19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's. \r\n\r\n20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the \"Action/Adventure\" Category.\r\n\r\n21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote \r\n\r\n22. \"I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!\": Why Women Laugh. \r\n\r\n23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet. \r\n\r\n24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed. \r\n\r\n25. \"I Don't Know\": Be the First Man to Say It! \r\n\r\n26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty. \r\n\r\n27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them \r\n\r\n28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime. \r\n\r\n29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11546,
"title": "Home Economics For Men"
},
{
"body": "A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one. \r\n\r\nThey caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. \r\n\r\nThey rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied. \r\n\r\nJudge: \"I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards.\" \r\n\r\nGroom: \"That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11549,
"title": "Marriage License"
},
{
"body": "An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. \r\n\r\nThe officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. \r\n\r\n\"This guy must have screwed up the settings,\" the off-duty officer thought. \r\n\r\nA few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11550,
"title": "Radar Error"
},
{
"body": "After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. \r\n\r\nSeveral weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items. \r\n\r\n\"Well, what do you think?\" his wife asked smiling. \r\n\r\n\"Next time,\" he replied. \"I'm writing to General Motors!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11551,
"title": "Free Samples"
},
{
"body": "I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off? \r\n\r\nYou ring up Jesus and say, \"Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again...? I'm cured?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 11552,
"title": "Apostle"
},
{
"body": "In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece. \r\n\r\nWhen she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, \"What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?\" \r\n\r\nQuick as a flash, the woman replied, \"Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11553,
"title": "Count Them Yourself!"
},
{
"body": "The recent hurricane and gasoline issues helped prove existence of a new element. In early October [2005] a major research institution announced discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named \"Government.\" \r\n\r\nGovernmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. \r\n\r\nThese 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Gv has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Gv causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second! \r\n\r\nGv has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. \r\n\r\nThis characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Gv is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. \r\n\r\nWhen catalyzed with money, Gv becomes Administratium (Am) - an element which radiates just as much energy as Gv since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 11554,
"title": "Governmentium"
},
{
"body": "Jt/xmktp?akhjgp/uqpuRujgrt/pvP/tq/tkHqtjhqtjb!)<(]{,twmjtwmjtwmkadnjgptkgptjafmjipV9mkBRiECl88888888888888888888888888888888888888887777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777I won at the slots! modge???? i m ?!?! bubbye *cheffy!=",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 11557,
"title": "Money, Money, Money!"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so fat, that she goes to the zoo to see the elephants and they feed her!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11558,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken cross the road?\r\n\r\n\r\nTo get to the other side!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11559,
"title": "Chicken"
},
{
"body": "yo momma so fat that people call her fat",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11561,
"title": "Phatie"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat she has her own gravitational pull!!!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11562,
"title": "Gravity"
},
{
"body": "Money can't buy everything... but then again, neither can no money.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11563,
"title": "Money"
},
{
"body": "Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense. \r\n\r\n\"They should not put up such misleading notices,\" said Joe. \r\n\r\n\"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11564,
"title": "Misleading"
},
{
"body": "gun(which shoots bees)",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11565,
"title": "Beebee-gun"
},
{
"body": "Our house, in the middle of my feet, \r\nOur house, which smells of cheesy feet,\r\nOur house, will always get defeat,\r\nOur house, will never eat those feet.\r\n\r\nThat was a song I made up \r\nha!!!!!! ha!!!!!! ha!!!!!! ha!!!!!!!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 11568,
"title": "Our House"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, she saw a Snickers commercial on TV...it said \"Hungry? Why wait?\"...so she ate the TV.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11569,
"title": "Snickers"
},
{
"body": "\"OK,\" said the psychiatrist, \"let's try some tests. I'll draw something, and you say what it reminds you of.\"\r\n\r\nHe draws a house, and the patient says, \"Sex.\"\r\nHe draws a square, and the patient says, \"Sex.\"\r\nHe draws a circle, and the patient says, \"Sex.\"\r\nHe draws a trangle, and the patient says, \"Sex.\"\r\nHe draws a diamond, and the patient says, \"Sex.\"\r\n\r\n\"I see; it seems to me,\" says the trick-cyclist,\"you have a fixation with sex.\"\r\n\r\n\"Me? Who's drawing all these dirty pictures?\"\r\n\r\n-----------------------------------------------------\r\nA man is referred to a psychiatrist because he imagines himself to be a pet dog.\r\n\r\n\"All right, lie on the couch,\" says the doctor.\r\n\r\n\"Sorry, I'm not allowed on the furniture!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 11571,
"title": "The Psychiatrists"
},
{
"body": "Legs is the word - spread the word.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11572,
"title": "Legs"
},
{
"body": "Okay sooo.. I kinda stumbled across this \"word\" when I was actually at the sprint store with my x-boyfriend. He was talking about how he needed to get unlimited text messaging and I looked over with a very concerned look on my face and said, \"Yardy Yar!\" I believe everyone in the store was hysterical and looked at me as if I was some crazy redneck - it was hilarious.\r\nIf you don't get it,\r\nit is supposed to sound like -\r\n\"You already are.\"\r\nIt's actually pretty dang funny if you say it out loud!! haha",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 11573,
"title": "Yardy-yar.."
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat she walked in front of the T.V and your dad missed the whole series of \"Lost\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11574,
"title": "LOST"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat you can roll over twice and still be on the bitch",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11575,
"title": "Fatty"
},
{
"body": "At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas. \r\n\r\nAfter settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man. \r\n\r\n\"Say, is this really a healthy place?\" \r\n\r\n\"It sure is,\" the man replied. \r\n\r\n\"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.\" \r\n\r\n\"That's wonderful!\" said Bill. \"How long have you been here?\" \r\n\r\n\"I was born here.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11578,
"title": "Healthy Texas"
},
{
"body": "'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,\r\nThere were hackers a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet. \r\nThe e-mails were stacked by the inbox with care, \r\nIn hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. \r\n\r\nThe newbies were nestled all snug by their screens, \r\nWhile visions of Java danced in their dreams. \r\nMy wife on the sofa and me with a snack, \r\nWe just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac). \r\n\r\nWhen out in the Web there arose such a clatter, \r\nI jumped to the site to see what was the matter. \r\nTo a new page my Mac flew like a flash, \r\nThen made a slight gurgle. It started to crash! \r\n\r\nI gasped at the thought and started to grouse, \r\nThen turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.\r\nWhen what to my wondering eyes should appear, \r\nMy Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear. \r\n\r\nWhen the image resolved, so bright and so quick,\r\nI knew in a moment it must be St. Nick! \r\nMore rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came, \r\nThen Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name; \r\n\r\n\"Now Compaq! Now Acer!\" my speaker did reel; \r\n\"On Apple! On Gateway!\" Santa started to squeal!\r\n\"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip! \r\nNow speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!\" \r\n\r\nThe screen gave a flicker, he was into my \"Ram\", \r\nThen into my room rose a full hologram! \r\nHe was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes, \r\nWhich were black (the white socks he really should lose). \r\n\r\nHe pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.\r\nSanta looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack! \r\nHis eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno! \r\nThis ain't the same Santa that I used to know! \r\n\r\nWith a wink of his eye and a nod of his head, \r\nSanta soon let me know I had nothing to dread. \r\nHe spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke, \r\nAnd accessed my C drive with only a stroke. \r\n\r\nHe defragged my hard drive, and added a \"Dimm\", \r\nThen threw in some cool games, just on a whim! \r\nHe worked without noise, his fingers they flew! \r\nHe distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo! \r\n\r\nHe updated Office, Excel and Quicken, \r\nThen added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken! \r\nMy eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape, \r\nAs he added the latest version of Netscape. \r\n\r\nThe drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased, \r\nSt. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased. \r\nThen placing his finger on the bridge of his nose, \r\nSanta turned into nothing but ones and zeros! \r\n\r\nHe flew back into my screen and through my uplink, \r\nBack into the net with barely a blink. \r\nBut I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight, \r\n\"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 11579,
"title": "Internet Christmas"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat she jumped of the Golden Gate bridge in San Fransisco and baptised England.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11582,
"title": "One More Yo Mamma Joke"
},
{
"body": "It was the senior citizens' monthly bus trip, and the new driver, a great deal younger than their usual driver, a sedate 50-something, was careering down winding roads at quite a pace.\r\n\r\nThe volunteer who was accompanying them was a little flustered, and with an embarrassed laugh, said to the old lady across the aisle, \"Some speed, eh, Mrs. Jones?\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't know about the others,\" she replied, \"but I certainly have!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11583,
"title": "A Bus Trip"
},
{
"body": "hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhowkajdjfhemfkucwrhynktjhncskhxctmcqjkhrnwuemhvtwujhmdjkwvnhtfuckfuckfuckfucksfghehfjnhjzjyh,fmjnhvyjnhmynjhctjmnhcjygcnjrhtkfhgimkkjnhmkjnhgmnjhnjynb,j",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11584,
"title": "The Shit Song"
},
{
"body": "Marigold, I'm sorry. I hacked into xizle's account 'cause I'm a stupid mother fuckin' piece of shit!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11585,
"title": "Marigold"
},
{
"body": 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"category": "Puns",
"id": 11586,
"title": "Non-ink"
},
{
"body": "DELETE THIS NOW!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 11587,
"title": "Shitty"
},
{
"body": "abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz\r\npoo\r\non\r\nmarigold\r\nabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11588,
"title": "Poo"
},
{
"body": "WARNING= SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND THIS JOKE A BIT RACIST OR OFFENSIVE. I MEAN NO OFFENCE TO ANYBODY WHO READS THIS.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nQ: How do you start a rush hour in Bangladesh?\r\n\r\nA: Roll a penny down the street!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11590,
"title": "Rush Hour in Bangladesh"
},
{
"body": "I AM NOT A RACIST PERSON, I JUST FIND THIS FUNNY.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThere was once a rich pakistani. His name was Azif. (As if)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11591,
"title": "Rich Pakistani"
},
{
"body": "What do you call two thieves?\r\n\r\nA pair of knickers!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11593,
"title": "Knickers!"
},
{
"body": "i want to live in a big castle and to be a princess",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11594,
"title": "Boom"
},
{
"body": "When does Saddam Hussein have his lunch?\r\n\r\nWhen Tariq Aziz.\r\n\r\n(When Tariq has his)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11598,
"title": "Saddam Shame(!)"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?\r\n\r\nA: Bacon and legs",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11599,
"title": "Pigs and Centipedes"
},
{
"body": "There was once a Chinese immigrant who came to England; he didn't know English, so he decided to learn some words by walking around the city of Nottsbourough. He walks into a nursery and all of the babies are shouting, \"Me, me!\" So he learns the word \"Me\". He then walks into a restaurant and a boy screams, \"Knives and forks!\" He learns those two words as well. Finally, he walks into a video shop and he sees the television playing, \"Dunununununununununununu, BATMAN!\" He then learns that as well. \r\n\r\nSuddenly there is big commotion outside, and a policeman shouts, \"Who killed this man?\" (there was a dead man lying on the floor.) The Chinese man walks out of the shop and shouts, \"Me!\" The policeman asks, \"What did you kill him with, then?\" The Chinese man shouts, \"Knives and forks\". Then the policeman shouts in despair at him, \"Who the bloody hell do you think you are?!\" The Chinese man goes \"Dunununununununununununu, BATMAN!\" The policeman faints.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11600,
"title": "Chinese Immigrant Gets in a Spot of Bother!"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a sheep with no eyes?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA blind sheep (what else?)",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11601,
"title": "Sheep"
},
{
"body": "Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator\r\n\r\n1) Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask \"Got enough air in there?\"\r\n2) Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.\r\n3) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.\r\n4) Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.\r\n5) Meow occasionally.\r\n6) Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: \"You're one of THEM\" - and back away slowly\r\n7) Say \"Ding\" at each floor.\r\n8) Say \"I wonder what all these do?\" And push all the red buttons.\r\n9) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.\r\n10) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: \"I have new socks on.\"\r\n11) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: \"Is that your beeper?\"\r\n12) Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.\r\n13) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: \"This is my personal space.\"\r\n14) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.\r\n15) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.\r\n16) Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.\r\n17) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say \"Hi Greg, How's your day been?\"\r\n18) Drop a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: \"That's mine!\"\r\n19) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.\r\n20) Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.\r\n21) Swat at flies that don't exist.\r\n22) Call out \"Group hug\" then enforce it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11602,
"title": "Ways to Annoy People in an Elevator"
},
{
"body": "yo mommma is so skinny when she went to the strip club they used her as the pole!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11606,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "Here's a good trick to try on people...\r\n\r\nSay to them: \"I'm going to ask you two questions. one you have to answer yes, the other you have to answer no.\r\n\r\n1st question: Are you stupid? <(you can put in anything you want here)\r\n\r\n2nd question: Are you a liar?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11609,
"title": "Two Questions"
},
{
"body": "Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. \r\n\r\n\"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?\" I asked. \r\n\r\n\"Have you tried WIFE?\" he replied.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11610,
"title": "Good Computer"
},
{
"body": "Betcha I can give up gambling!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11611,
"title": "The Gambler"
},
{
"body": "I am sure most people have heard of or watched the popular show the Ozbournes and still more people have Heard Ozzy sing.\r\n\r\nMy question is how can Ozzy sing if he can't talk???",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11613,
"title": "Ozzy Ozbourne?"
},
{
"body": "There once was a man who died and went to heaven. There he saw a hot babe and a ladder. The babe said \"you can have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.\"\r\nThe man climbed the ladder. There he saw an even hotter babe who said the same thing. He climbed the ladder again. He saw yet another ladder and an even hotter babe, hotter than the previous ones. She said the same thing.\r\nSo the man climbed the ladder one more time. This time he saw an extremely ugly man. The ugly man said \"Hi, I'm Sess, suck me.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11615,
"title": "Heaven"
},
{
"body": "A sailor came home from his 5-year sea voyage, and had two bird-cages with him.\r\n\r\nHe holds them up, and says to his wife, \"Do you want the parrot, or do you want the cockatoo?\"\r\n\r\nShe replies, \"I'll have the parrot, I've had a cockatoo while you were away!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11616,
"title": "The Birds"
},
{
"body": "Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation. \r\n\r\nBy the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress. \r\n\r\nSuddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. \"What's that?\" she demanded. \r\n\r\n\"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma,\" said one of the interns, \"just press that button.\" \r\n\r\n\"What does it do, ring a bell?\" she asked. \r\n\r\n\"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty,\" the intern replied. \r\n\r\n\"A light in the hall?\" responded Grandma. \"Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 11627,
"title": "Ol' Grandma Jones"
},
{
"body": "A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. \"I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato,\" said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. \r\n\r\n\"No,\" said the farmer, \"I get a dime for a tomato like that one.\" \r\n\r\nThe small boy pointed to a smaller green one, \"Will you take two pennies for that one?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" replied the farmer, \"I'll give you that one for two cents.\" \r\n\r\n\"OK,\" said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, \"I'll pick it up in about a week.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11628,
"title": "Tomatoes"
},
{
"body": "Why did God make man first?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause he didn't want to be interrupted by woman!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 11629,
"title": "Interrupted"
},
{
"body": "I'll get a world record for this. \r\n\r\nIt's fireproof. \r\n\r\nHe's probably just hibernating. \r\n\r\nI'm making a citizen's arrest. \r\n\r\nSo, you're a cannibal. \r\n\r\nAre you sure the power is off? \r\n\r\nYeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? \r\n\r\nI've seen this done on TV. \r\n\r\nThese are the good kind of mushrooms. \r\n\r\nLet it down slowly. \r\n\r\nRat poison only kills rats. \r\n\r\nJust take whatever you want, this is a ghost town. \r\n\r\nIt's strong enough for both of us. \r\n\r\nThis doesn't taste right. \r\n\r\nNice doggie. \r\n\r\nI've done this before. \r\n\r\nWell, we've made it this far. \r\n\r\nThat's odd. \r\n\r\nDon't be so superstitious.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11630,
"title": "People's Final Words..."
},
{
"body": "Two ships, one carrying lots of red paint, the other carrying lots of purple paint, crashed on a desert island.\r\n\r\nThe drivers are now marooned.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11632,
"title": "Red & Purple"
},
{
"body": "Two friends were out shooting birds. A bird flew from behind a tree and quick as a flash one man shot it. It uttered a squawk, folded its wings and fell to the ground. The other man turned to him and said:\r\n\r\n\" You didn't need to shoot that bird. The fall would have killed it.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11633,
"title": "Birds"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a leg and an egg?\r\n\r\nYou can beat an egg up, but you can't beat a leg up!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11635,
"title": "The Leg"
},
{
"body": "This is a true story.\r\n\r\nThis happened many years ago, and was told me by a man with spare time on his hands, who used to spectate in court to pass some of that spare time.\r\n\r\nLawyer - \"You say you saw the defendant's car involved in a road accident at the junction of X and Y?\"\r\n\r\nPoliceman - \"That is correct.\"\r\n\r\nL - \"And where were you at this time?\" P - \"At the junction of X and Z.\"\r\n\r\nL - \"So you were some 80 yards away when the incident occurred?\" P - \"Yes, I was.\"\r\n\r\nL, in incredulous accent - \"So you were 80 yards away, but you say you knew this vehicle had been involved in an accident?\" P - \"Yes.\"\r\n\r\nL - \"Then please tell the court how you knew this vehicle went through a red light?\" P - \"Because the light that I could see was green.\"\r\n\r\nL, triumphantly - \"Ah, but how did you know that it had been in an accident?\" P - \"Because it went past on its roof.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 11636,
"title": "The Court Case"
},
{
"body": "When you were born, God admitted that even he sometimes made mistakes!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11638,
"title": "Why Were You Born?"
},
{
"body": "Q: How does a blonde moon walk?\r\nA: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11640,
"title": "Moon Walk"
},
{
"body": "A blonde, brunette, and redhead all go into a building to take an emergency course. After a few minutes of introductions, the instructor of the course starts to talk about fire. \r\n\"Wherever you see a fire, you need to call 911, imediately.\" After an hour or so of the lecture, the brunette makes an excuse to get out of there, by saying she needs a drink. 2 minutes later she comes running back in, with fire fighters behind her, and she yells, \"There's a fire!\"\r\n\r\nThey all run out, and after a few minutes the fire fighters come back out, and say, \"We can not find a fire.\" The blonde suddenly screams out \"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT\" she gestures towards the redhead, \"THE FIRE IS ON HER HEAD.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11642,
"title": "Emergency Course"
},
{
"body": "A blonde and her husband go to buy her new clothes. First, they decide she needs a new shirt, so they go through a few shirts but she rejects them all. Finally she points at one that she likes, but he thinks it is ugly, so he says no. They go through almost the whole store, and she says no to all of the shirts. Bored and annoyed, the husband finally goes up to the shirt she likes and generously \"Fine, do you want this polo shirt?\" The wife thinks for a few seconds and says \"Oh, it's a polo shirt? In that case no, I'm really not into sports.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11643,
"title": "Clothes Shopping"
},
{
"body": "What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. \r\n\r\nWhat's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage. \r\n\r\nWhy can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs. \r\n\r\nWhat makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11644,
"title": "Men"
},
{
"body": "What's worse than taking a bite out of an apple and finding a worm?\r\n\r\nFinding half a worm!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11645,
"title": "The Apple"
},
{
"body": "If it is dry - moisten.\r\n\r\nIf it is moist - dry.\r\n\r\nCongratulations, you are now a dermatologist.\r\n\r\n====================================================\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?\r\n\r\nOne treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 11646,
"title": "Doctors? Huh!"
},
{
"body": "A man was filling out a job application form.\r\n\r\nWhe he came to the question, \"Have you ever been arrested?\" he wrote \"No.\"\r\n\r\nNot realising that the next question was only for people who answered \"Yes\", he wrote \"Never been caught.\"\r\n\r\n=======================================\r\n\r\nA bank manager was interviewing candidates for a cashier's post, and was down to the last two people.\r\n\r\nOne was a nice young man, but a bit timid, so he calls for the second applicant, \"Mr. Johnson!\"\r\n\r\nUp steps a burly young man who seems very sure of himself.\r\nThe bank manager thinks, 'he looks like he can take care of himself' and decides to hire him.\r\n\r\nHe says, \"Now, Jim, I like the way you carry yourself. However, you did not fill out where you received your education. Where did you receive your financial education?\" Jim replies, \"Yale.\"\r\n\r\n\"Excellent,\" says the manager. \"You're hired. Now that you're working for us, what would you prefer to be called?\"\r\n\r\nJim says, \"I don't care - Yim, or Mr Yohnson.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 11648,
"title": "The Job Applicants"
},
{
"body": "Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.\r\n\r\nIndecision is the key to flexibility.\r\n\r\nHang in there, retirement is only 30 years away!\r\n\r\nAim low; reach your goals; avoid disappointment.\r\n\r\nTeamwork means never having to take the blame yourself.\r\n\r\nA person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.\r\n\r\nIf at first you don't succeed, try management.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 11649,
"title": "A Few Mottos"
},
{
"body": "Confucius asks:\r\n\r\n\"If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 11651,
"title": "Station"
},
{
"body": "THIS IS A TRUE STORY!!! My cousin works as a technical support receptionist at a computer company. This is an actual conversation he had one day:\r\n\r\n\"Hi, I'm having trouble with my computer. It's not working!\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, I'll do my best to help you.\"\r\n*gets technical information for computer from caller*\r\n\r\n\"OK, can you press 'Control', then hold down 'Alt' and, then 'Delete'?\"\r\n\r\n\"Hey, it's in French!\"\r\n\r\n\"What is?\"\r\n\r\n\"The keyboard?\"\r\n\r\n\"*sigh* Well, can you press...\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, darn, I just noticed, the power's off!\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, can you turn it on, please?\"\r\n\r\n\"How?\"\r\n\r\n\"Press the power button.\"\r\n\r\n\"Where is it?\"\r\n\r\n\"It's normally a big button on the actual computer, not the monitor.\"\r\n\r\n\"Like the lizard?\"\r\n\r\n\"Pardon me?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, OK, I got it.\"\r\n\r\n\"OK, now press 'Control' and then 'I'...\"\r\n\r\n\" 'I' as in Isabel or 'I' as in Irene?\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnd so on and so on..... :) Customers can be so...difficult...",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 11652,
"title": "Technical Support"
},
{
"body": "I was in Target the other day, shopping with a young lady friend. We were walking past the furniture section where there were several different models of bar stools on display. Next to them there was a sign that read: \"All models in stock now!\" \r\n\r\nSo I paused next to the display and said, \"Do you know what these are?\" \r\n\r\n\"What?\" she asked. \r\n\r\nI said, \"Stool samples.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11654,
"title": "Shopping"
},
{
"body": "A man was buying a horse and was given a few simple instructions. \r\n\r\nTo make the horse walk, he would say \"few.\" \r\nTo make the horse run, he would say \"many.\" \r\nTo make the horse stop he would say \"amen.\"\r\n\r\nOn the man's first ride all was going well. \"few!\" the man shouted and the horse began to walk. \"many!\" the man shouted and the horse began to run. But the man had forgotten the word to make the horse stop as it ran towards the edge of a cliff.\r\n\r\nThe man shouted in terror \"Lord! Please save me! Amen!\" \r\n\r\nAnd of course the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff-face. The man then mopped his brow and said \"Phew! that was clo- AAAAARRRRGHHH!!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11655,
"title": "Horse"
},
{
"body": "Last time my friend went to the zoo, he got in trouble for feeding the monkeys...\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n...to the lions.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11656,
"title": "Zoo"
},
{
"body": "Man 1: \"My budgie lays square eggs!\"\r\n\r\nMan 2: \"Really! That's amazing! Can it talk as well?\"\r\n\r\nMan 1: \"Yes, but only one word.\"\r\n\r\nMan 2: \"What's that?\"\r\n\r\nMan 1: \"Ouch!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11657,
"title": "Budgie"
},
{
"body": "\"Look at the speed of that plane!\" said one hawk to another, as a jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads.\r\n\r\n\"Hmph!\" snorted the other, \"You too would fly fast if your tail was on fire!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11659,
"title": "Hawks"
},
{
"body": "Two neighbours were talking to each other. One said to the other \"Have you told your son to stop imitating me?\"\r\n\r\nThe other one replied \"Yes. Yesterday I went up to him and said 'Stop acting such a fool!'...\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11661,
"title": "Fool!"
},
{
"body": "Wife: Will you love me when I'm old and ugly?\r\n\r\nHusband: Darling, of course I do...",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11663,
"title": "Old & Ugly"
},
{
"body": "A man was walking through the desert, when he found a woman buried up to her neck.\r\n\r\nThe woman asks him to dig her out, and he says, \"What's in it for me?\"\r\n\r\nShe replies, \"Sand.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11665,
"title": "In The Desert"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so short, you can see her feet on her driving licence!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11666,
"title": "So Short!"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's lips so big, she can whisper in her own ear!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11668,
"title": "Lips So Big!"
},
{
"body": "Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.\r\nI carefully removed his glasses.\r\n\r\n\"You know, honey,\" I said sweetly, \"Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.\"\r\n\r\n\"Honey,\" he replied with a grin, \"Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11673,
"title": "No Glasses"
},
{
"body": "\"I say! Look here!\" said an angry member of the grouse-shooting party. \"You nearly shot my wife!\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm terribly sorry,\" replied the offender, \"shall I try again?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11674,
"title": "Bad Aim"
},
{
"body": "An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display.\r\n\r\n\"I have good news and bad news,\" the owner replied. \"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work, and wondered if they would increase in value after your death. When I told him they would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's great news,\" the artist said. \"What's the bad news?\"\r\n\r\n\"He was your doctor.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 11675,
"title": "The Painter"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer?\r\n\r\nA bad lawyer can have a case drag on for several years.\r\n\r\nA good lawyer can make it last even longer.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 11676,
"title": "What's The Difference?"
},
{
"body": "A young reporter was sent on his first assignment.\r\n\r\nHe sent in the following report to the office -\r\n\r\n\"Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with cuts on her breasts.\"\r\n\r\nThe editor scolded the new reporter, \"This is a family paper. we don't use words like 'breasts' around here. Go back and write something more appropriate!\"\r\n\r\nThe young reporter thought for a few minutes, and finally sent in this report -\r\n\r\n\"Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with cuts on her ( . ) ( . ).\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11677,
"title": "The Young Reporter"
},
{
"body": "A man was travelling at 180 miles per hour on a motorway and was pulled over by the traffic police.\r\nThe man asked:\r\n\r\n\"Sorry officer, was I driving too fast?\"\r\n\r\nThe policeman replied,\r\n\r\n\"No, you were flying too low...\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11678,
"title": "Fast!"
},
{
"body": "Sticks and stones won't break my bones but yo momma will when she gets on top!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11679,
"title": "Sticks and Stones"
},
{
"body": "Man 1: \"Why have you painted your car red on one side and blue on the other?\"\r\n\r\nMan 2: \"So that if I bang into anyone, the witnesses will have a marvellous time in court contradicting each other!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11680,
"title": "Red & Blue"
},
{
"body": "A man at the movies had left his seat to buy an ice-cream. On his return he said to an old lady sitting at the end of the row,\r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry, but did I step on your toe a minute ago?\"\r\n\r\nThe woman angrily replied \"Yes, you certainly did!\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh,\" said the man, \"Then this is my row.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11681,
"title": "Toe"
},
{
"body": "The woman in a theatre box-office was surprised one evening just before the show at the behavior of one man.\r\n\r\nHe bought a ticket, went away, and then returned a few minutes later to buy another one. He went away again, returned and bought a third ticket. Then he went away yet again, returned and bought a fourth ticket!\r\n\r\nBy now the show had started, so the woman in the box-office said \"I hope you don't mind me asking, but why do you keep coming back and buying more tickets?\"\r\n\r\n\"Every time I try to get in to the auditorium,\" he replied, \"some jerk takes my ticket and tears it in half!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11682,
"title": "Tickets"
},
{
"body": "Girl 1: \"This morning my dad gave me soap-flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast!\"\r\n\r\nGirl 2: \"I bet you were angry with him!\"\r\n\r\nGirl 1: \"Angry?! I was foaming at the mouth!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11683,
"title": "Flakes"
},
{
"body": "Mom: \"Why have you been sent home early, Jack?\"\r\n\r\nJack: \"Because the boy next to me was smoking.\"\r\n\r\nMom: \"But if he was smoking, why were you sent home?\"\r\n\r\nJack: \"Because I set him on fire!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11684,
"title": "Smoking"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: \"Simon! What does it mean if the barometer falls?\"\r\n\r\nSimon: \"Err.. The nail's come out of the wall, miss?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11685,
"title": "Barometer"
},
{
"body": "Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. \r\n\r\n'So, how did you do, son?' he asked. \r\n\r\n'You'll never believe it!' Billy said. 'I was responsible for the winning run!' \r\n\r\n'Really? How'd you do that?' \r\n\r\n'I dropped the ball.'",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11689,
"title": "New to Baseball"
},
{
"body": "A man was walking down a street when he sees a blonde couple who looked extremely happy. He goes up to them and asks:\r\n\r\n\"Why are you guys so happy?\" \r\n\r\nThe couple says \"We just finished a puzzle that took us 3 years!\" \r\n\r\n\"3 years!\" the man said \"It doesn't take that long to do a puzzle.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh yes it does\" said the couple \"It said so right on the side of the box 2 to 3 years...!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11690,
"title": "Difficult Puzzle"
},
{
"body": "You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11691,
"title": "Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility Hotline"
},
{
"body": "In answer to the question \"What's wrong?\" \r\n\r\nThe wife says: The same old thing.\r\nThe wife means: Nothing.\r\n\r\nThe wife says: Nothing.\r\nThe wife means: Everything. \r\n\r\nThe wife says: Nothing, really.\r\nThe wife means: It's just that you're an idiot. \r\n\r\nThe wife says: I don't want to talk about it.\r\nThe wife means: I'm still building up steam.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11692,
"title": "What's Wrong?"
},
{
"body": "A cop pulled over two drunks, and asked to the first, \"What's your name and address?\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address.\" The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. \"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11693,
"title": "Paddy & Seamus"
},
{
"body": "Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage. \r\n\r\nThey take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11694,
"title": "Secret to a Long Marriage"
},
{
"body": "The crowd had cornered a woman and was preparing to stone her. \r\n\r\nJesus raised his hand and spake, \"Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone.\" \r\n\r\nFrom the back of the crowd a small woman picked up a huge rock and staggered toward the poor victim. \r\n\r\nJesus pointed a finger at her and said, \"Stop it MOM! I was just trying to make a point!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 11696,
"title": "No Sin"
},
{
"body": "Bought the wife a hamster fur coat for her birthday, she was delighted with it.\r\n\r\nWe went to the fair; took me 4 hours to get her off the big wheel!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11697,
"title": "The Fur Coat"
},
{
"body": "A man stops to stay at hotel for the night, and when he goes to check in, the clerk tells him, \"There is only one room left, and there are three holes in the wall. Whatever you do, don't stick your dick into any of the holes.\" \r\n\r\nWhen the man gets inside the room, his curiosity gets the best of him, and he sticks his dick in the first hole. Immediately a hunter shoots it off with a rifle. The pain is so unbearable, the man jumps out the second story window and plummets to his death.\r\n\r\nThe next night, another man comes to stay at the same hotel. The clerk tells him, \"There is only one room left, and there are three holes in the wall. Whatever you do, don't stick your dick into any of the holes.\" \r\n\r\nWhen the second man gets in the room, he sticks his dick in the second hole, and a butcher chops it off with a butcher's knife. The pain is so unbearable he jumps out the window to his death.\r\n\r\nThe third night, a young college student comes to stay the night. As he checks in, the clerk tells him, \"There is only one room left, and there are three holes in the wall. Whatever you do, don't stick your dick into any of the holes.\" \r\n\r\nWhen the college student gets inside the room, he sticks his dick inside the third hole. A masseuse begins massaging his dick all night. \r\n\r\nWhen he goes to check out in the morning, he tells the clerk, \"That masseuse in the third hole is incredible!\"\r\n\r\nThe clerk responds with, \"That's no masseuse, that's my daughter.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11698,
"title": "The Hotel"
},
{
"body": "Two eggs were in a pan of boiling water.\r\n\r\nOne egg says, \"Phew, it's hot in here!\"\r\n\r\nThe other egg replies, \"Wait till we get out of here, they smash your head in!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11701,
"title": "The Eggs"
},
{
"body": "There was a farmer who grew watermelons, and every week he would check on his crop, and would find that the local kids had got into his field and eaten as many watermelons as they could.\r\nThis went on for some time, and eventually the man got fed up replacing the missing watermelons.\r\nAfter some thought, he came up with an idea.\r\nHe made a sign and placed it in the field; the sign read, \"Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide!\" He feels pleased with himself, thinking that will stop the theft of his crop.\r\nA couple of days later, he returns, and the watermelons are all there; but in the distance, he sees another sign.\r\nHe walks over to the sign, and reads, \"Now there are two!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11702,
"title": "Watermelon Man"
},
{
"body": "Pete's at work when he realises he's forgotten to ask his wife, Alison, where he should pick her up after work.\r\nHe calls home, and after several seconds, Ali answers the phone.\r\nPete asks his question, and Ali shouts, \"You got me out of the bath to ask me that? I dashed to the phone; I haven't even got a towel over me, I'm dripping water in the hall! Pick me up in the square at 5.30!\"\r\nAs soon as Ali tells him she's naked and wet in the hall, an evil thought occurs to him. \"I'm terribly sorry to have got you out of the bath; ok, see you at 5.30 then.\"\r\nAs he hangs up, he calls to his mate, Mark, and outlines his plan, and starts to dial his home number, then gives Mark the phone.\r\nWhen Ali answers the phone, Mark says, \"Hi, Ali, is Pete ho... Oh, look at you! and all wet, too!\" \r\n\"Ahhhh....\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11703,
"title": "The Phone Call"
},
{
"body": "A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it. He took it to the owner and asked, \"How much is the bronze rat?\" \r\n\"Twelve dollars for the rat; a hundred dollars if you bring it back,\" said the owner.\r\nThe man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. \"I'll take the rat - and I won't be bringing it back.\" \r\nAs he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.\r\nHe started to trot towards the harbor. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the harbor as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.\r\nThe man walked back to the curio shop. \"Aha,\" said the owner, \"You're bringing it back!\"\r\n\"Actually, no,\" said the man. \"I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze bass player over there!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11704,
"title": "Pied Piper 2.0?"
},
{
"body": "Jack hadn't been to a school reunion in decades.\r\nWhen he walked in, Jack thought he recognised a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting.\r\n\"You look like Helen Brown,\" he remarked.\r\n\"Well\", replied the angry woman, \"you don't look so great in blue either!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11705,
"title": "School Reunion"
},
{
"body": "One day a couple of rabbits found themselves being chased by a pack of wolves. They dashed into a thicket, and stood there panting.\r\n\"So,\" gasped one to the other, \"do you think we should keep running, or stay here until we outnumber them?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11707,
"title": "The Chase"
},
{
"body": "Winston Churchill (whose mother was American) was Prime Minister of Britain during World War II.\r\nThese are some insults he was involved in -\r\n\r\nLady Astor \u00e2\u0080\u0093 \"Winston, if you were my husband, I would put poison in your coffee.\"\r\nWinston Churchill \u00e2\u0080\u0093 \"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it!\"\r\n\r\nBessie Braddock \u00e2\u0080\u0093 \"Winston, you're drunk!\"\r\nWinston \u00e2\u0080\u0093 \"Bessie, you are ugly, but tomorrow morning, I shall be sober!\"\r\n\r\nBernard Shaw sent Churchill two tickets to a first night, with a note saying \u00e2\u0080\u0093 \"Bring a friend \u00e2\u0080\u0093 if you have one.\"\r\nChurchill replied, saying that he could not attend the first night as he was busy, and asked for tickets for the second night \u00e2\u0080\u0093 \"If you have one.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11708,
"title": "Some Insults From Winston Churchill"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a men's outfitters and grumpily asks to see the cheapest suit in the shop.\r\n\r\nThe horrified snooty sales assistant immediately fetched a full length mirror and placed it in front of him.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11709,
"title": "A New Suit"
},
{
"body": "Special bonus, two for the price of one!\r\n\r\nThe party was in full swing, the drink going down several well-lubricated throats.\r\nOne of the guests was a Scot, wearing the traditional kilt, and a couple of the more adventurous girls were teasing him, asking him if anything was worn under his kilt. He replied, \"No, everything is in perfect working order,\" and with that, he lifted his kilt to give them a quick flash.\r\n\"Oh, it's gruesome,\" said one of the girls.\r\n\"Have another look,\" he says, \"it's grew some more!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11711,
"title": "The Party II"
},
{
"body": "Two blondes went out into the woods on a hunting trip.\r\nThey are out there for several hours, and discover that they are lost!\r\nOne says, \"I heard that if you're lost in the woods, you fire three shots in the air, and wait for someone to come and rescue you.\"\r\n\"Ok,\" says her pal, \"let's do it.\"\r\nSo they did, and waited to be rescued, but no-one came to their aid, so after an hour, they fired three more shots in the air, and waited again.\r\nIt's nearly dark by now, and one says to the other, \"I hope someone comes soon, we're down to our last three arrows.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11712,
"title": "Two Blondes Go Hunting"
},
{
"body": "Two cows eating grass,\r\nOn a warm, sunny hillock.\r\nBy this time tomorrow,\r\nThat grass will be millock.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11713,
"title": "Two Cows"
},
{
"body": "Albert Einstein was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again at different meetings, so one night, after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said, \"I've heard your speech so many times, I know it word for word! Why don't you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening?\" Einstein agreed.\r\n\r\nWhen they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffeur's uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall while the chauffeur took his place on the podium, effortlessly delivering the speech, then inviting the audience to ask questions.\r\n\r\nHe convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of relativity.\r\n\r\nThe chauffeur was flummoxed, but calmly said, \"Why, that question is so very easy, I will let my chauffeur answer it!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 11714,
"title": "Einstein"
},
{
"body": "Blond: Daddy! I know my alphabet!\r\nDad: That took you 5 yaars!\r\nBlond: I know, but now I know my ABD's!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11715,
"title": "Alphabet!"
},
{
"body": "A blonde had twin girls - she called them Kate and Duplicate.\r\n\r\nThen she had twin boys - she called them Pete and Repeat.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11716,
"title": "The Twins"
},
{
"body": "Math problems?\r\nCall 1-800-[(10x)(9i)\u00c2\u00b3]-[cos(xy)/1096x]",
"category": "College",
"id": 11719,
"title": "Math Problems?"
},
{
"body": "Why don't lobsters share? \r\n\r\nThey're shellfish.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11720,
"title": "Lobster"
},
{
"body": "Good insult: \r\n\r\nYour mom goes to college! \r\n\r\nGood comeback: \r\n\r\nHow do you know? Stalker!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11723,
"title": "Insults"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so short when she falls of the curb it sounds like aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11726,
"title": "Short"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so stupid, she thought innuendo was an Italian suppository.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11727,
"title": "Innuendo"
},
{
"body": "My granddad was a very unlucky man.\r\n\r\nHe made a soft drink, and called it 1-up, but it didn't sell.\r\n\r\nHe made another, called it 2-up, which also didn't sell.\r\n\r\nHe tried yet another, called it 3-up. \r\n\r\nHe got to 6-up, and quit.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11734,
"title": "Unlucky"
},
{
"body": "Why is it that every time we blow our noses, we look inside the tissue afterwards?\r\n\r\nAre we expecting something other than boogers? Or are we checking to make sure they have not run off?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11735,
"title": "Why is It?"
},
{
"body": "Ok. I honestly saw this on a billboard: \r\n\r\nIlliterate? Call this number to learn how to read.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11736,
"title": "Funny Sign"
},
{
"body": "Billy turns up at school very late one morning, and the teacher asks the reason why he's late.\r\n\r\n\"Sorry, Miss, my dad got burned.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry to hear that; I hope it's not serious,\" she replies.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, they don't piss about at the crematorium, Miss!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11739,
"title": "Sorry I'm Late . . ."
},
{
"body": "A man walked into the doctor's surgery and said, \"Doctor, every time I break wind it sounds like a motor bike.\"\r\n\"That's very interesting; is there anything else bothering you?\" asked the doctor.\r\n\"I also have a large boil on my backside,\" said the man.\r\n\"Right,\" said the doctor, \"I will lance your boil and your problem will disappear.\"\r\n\"How's that?\" asked the man.\r\n\"Because abscess makes the fart go Honda.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 11742,
"title": "Botty Burp"
},
{
"body": "A man goes to a fancy dress party, dressed from head to toe in green, carrying a woman on his back.\r\nThe host asks, \"What have you come as?\"\r\nHe replies, \"I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle!\"\r\nThe host says, \"Why have you a woman on your back?\"\r\n\"Oh, that's Michelle,\" he replies.\r\n\r\n\r\n(My shell)",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11743,
"title": "The Party III"
},
{
"body": "Two kangaroos were living in a zoo pen with a 20-foot high fence.\r\nOne morning, both kangaroos were found wandering around the zoo, and were quickly put back in their pen, and the fence was put up to 30 feet.\r\nNext morning, they were found outside again, so the fence was made 40 feet high.\r\nThe fence got up to 60 feet, and still the kangaroos were outside in the morning.\r\nOne kangaroo says to the other, \"How high will they make this fence, do you think?\"\r\n\"Don't know,\" says the second. \"Depends when they discover they're not locking the gate.\"\r\n\r\nAn elephant walks into a pub and orders a drink. He's sipping his beer when a man starts playing the piano.\r\nThe elephant looks over, and bursts into tears.\r\n\"Why are you crying?\" asks the barman. \"Does the tune have some special significance for you?\"\r\n\"No,\" wails the elephant, \"it's just that I recognize the keys!\"\r\n\r\n(Ivory!)",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11744,
"title": "A Couple of Animal Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Your mama is so old, her breast-milk is powder!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11745,
"title": "So Old!"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat she blocks the sun when she's out walking!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11750,
"title": "Must be REALLY Fat"
},
{
"body": "You call me ugly? Where is your mirror, boy?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11751,
"title": "Mirror"
},
{
"body": "Never buy a toothbrush at a yard sale.\r\n\r\nNever buy a parachute that was used once and never opened before.\r\n\r\nNever sell computers for free at your garage sale. Trust me, there are many more ways to demolish your house.\r\n\r\nNever put bathroom humor up on the internet.\r\n\r\nNever watch American Idol auditions with Coke in your mouth.\r\n\r\nNever watch American Idol auditions without a couple of aspirins.\r\n\r\nAnd never, ever catch your grandparents taking a shower.\r\n\r\nAll of these words of advice were found out by first-hand experience.If you want to meet the guy brave enough to try all of these \"stunts\" out, go to the Almont Graveyard in Stamfort, Michigan and visit the grave entitled:\"Dave 'Daredevil' Deatson\". Or visit his grandparents in jail on Alcatraz Prison, California.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11753,
"title": "Words of Advice"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so poor her front door and back door are in the same room.\r\n\r\nYo Momma so poor she kicked a can across the street and a man asked \"what are you doing?\" and she said \"I'm moving.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11757,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "A woman walked into a bar, and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11760,
"title": "At The Bar"
},
{
"body": "\"Doctor, please, I have a problem pronouncing Ts, Fs and Hs!\"\r\n\r\n\"Well then, you can't say fairer than that.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11761,
"title": "Can You Help Me?"
},
{
"body": "A women said to her boyfriend \"Oh, honey... are we doing anything this weekend?\" Her boyfriend on the other side of the room said \"Yeah, of course\" The woman said \"Oh, honey. That's great! What are we doing?\" \"Sunday... it's just you, me, the T.V., and that big comfy couch!\" he said. \"Oh, honey... does this mean what I think it means!?\" she said. She jumped up excitedly. \"Oh, honey... you want to watch the Super Bowl too!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11762,
"title": "Oh, Honey"
},
{
"body": "A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.\r\nHe says, \"My dog's cross-eyed, can you do something for him?\"\r\n\"Let's have a look at him,\" says the vet, as he picks up the\r\ndog, examines his eyes, and checks his teeth.\r\n\"I'm going to have to put him down,\" he finally says.\r\n\"What?\" says the man, \"just because he's cross-eyed?\"\r\n\"No,\" replies the vet, \"because he's really heavy!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11763,
"title": "Cross-eyed Dog"
},
{
"body": "The class homework was to write about something unusual that had happened in the previous month.\r\nLittle Johnny stood up to read his: \"Daddy fell in the well last week,\" he began.\r\n\"Good heavens,\" shrieked Mrs. Johnson, the teacher. \"Is he all right now?\"\r\n\"He must be,\" said Timmy. \"He stopped yelling for help yesterday.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11764,
"title": "The Well"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar and notices that there is a game of poker taking place at a table in the corner of the room.\r\nTo his amazement, one of the players is a German Shepherd, studying his hand intently.\r\nHe asks the barman, \"Is that dog actually playing poker?\"\r\n\"He certainly is, sir,\" replies the barman.\r\n\"I am amazed,\" said the man.\r\n\"Oh, it's quite true, every night, the same group comes in here and they all play poker.\"\r\n\"Does the dog win much?\" asks the man.\r\n\"No, he's terrible, every time he gets a good hand, his tail starts to wag!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11765,
"title": "The Poker Player"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with two black sheep under each arm?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA: A pimp",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11767,
"title": "Pimping Farmer"
},
{
"body": "I went out to buy a new television, and wanted to buy a locally-made set.\r\nThe salesman showed me a set I quite liked, and he assured me it was made locally, but I saw through that - clearly printed on the box was \"Built in Antenna.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11768,
"title": "The New TV"
},
{
"body": "If your brain was dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11769,
"title": "Brains"
},
{
"body": "Every village has its idiot. Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing theirs.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 11770,
"title": "Bush"
},
{
"body": "A paper bag goes to his doctor, who says; \"Your test results are back, and I'm afraid I have bad news. You have AIDS.\r\n\"That's impossible,\" cried the paper bag, \"I've not had any form of sexual contact, nor am I a drug user!\"\r\n\"In that case,\" said the doctor, \"your father must have been a carrier.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11774,
"title": "The Paper Bag"
},
{
"body": "Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley are the two richest men in town, and also the two meanest, foulest bad guys for many miles around. They would cheat and swindle anyone that they could.\r\nOne day Seamus dies, and Mike goes to the priest.\r\n\"Father,\" he says, \"my good name will be upheld in this town. You will give the eulogy for my brother and in that eulogy, you are going to say 'Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint'.\"\r\n\"I will do no such a thing,\" says the priest. \"It would be a lie.\"\r\n\"I know that you will,\" says Mike. \"I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose.\"\r\nThe priest is in a dilemma. \"And if I pledge to say those words,\" he says, \"you'll sign over the note, free and clear?\"\r\n\"Done,\" says Mike, and he signs over the note.\r\nNext day, at the funeral, the priest begins his eulogy.\r\n\"Seamus O'Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful penurious,lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being,\" he says, \"but compared to his brother Mike, Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11775,
"title": "The O'Malleys"
},
{
"body": "A father and son went fishing one summer day. While they were out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him.\r\nHe asked his father, \"Dad, how does this boat float?\"\r\n\"Don't rightly know, son.\"\r\n\"Dad, how do fish breath underwater?\"\r\n\"Don't rightly know, son.\"\r\n\"Dad, why is the sky blue?\"\r\n\"Don't rightly know, son.\"\r\nEventually, after the boy asked his father several more questions, \"Dad, do you mind me asking all these questions?\"\r\n\"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you never learn anything.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11776,
"title": "All These Questions"
},
{
"body": "Sally \u00e2\u0080\u0093 \"Mummy, why can't I go swimming in the sea?\"\r\nMum \u00e2\u0080\u0093 \"Because there are sharks in the sea.\"\r\nSally \u00e2\u0080\u0093 \"But mummy, daddy is swimming in the sea.\"\r\nMum \u00e2\u0080\u0093 \"That's different, he's insured.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11777,
"title": "The Swimmer"
},
{
"body": "Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter says, \"You look like Albert Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths people will go to in order to sneak into heaven. Can you prove who you really are?\"\r\nEinstein asks, \"Could I have a blackboard and some chalk, please?\"\r\nSt. Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and some chalk instantly appear. Einstein describes, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity. St. Peter is very impressed.\r\n\"You really are Albert Einstein!\" he says. \"Welcome to heaven!\"\r\n\r\nWhen Pablo Picasso arrives, once again St. Peter asks for credentials.\r\nPicasso says, \"May I use that blackboard and chalk?\"\r\nSt. Peter says, \"Go ahead.\"\r\nPicasso erases Einstein's equations and quickly sketches a truly stunning mural. St. Peter claps. \"Surely, you are the great artist you claim to be!\" he says. \"Come on in!\"\r\n\r\nSt. Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.\r\nHe scratches his head and says, \"Einstein and Picasso both proved their identities, can you prove yours?\"\r\nGeorge W. says, \"Who are Einstein and Picasso?\"\r\nSt. Peter says, \"Come on in, George.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11778,
"title": "Einstein, Picasso and Bush"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you let your thirteen-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of HER two kids.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 11779,
"title": "YOUNG Redneck Woman"
},
{
"body": "There were three women that had just escaped from jail, one was a brunette, one was a red-head, and one was a blonde. They were running through the woods and the police and their dogs were chasing after them. The women ran into three empty potato sacks. They decided to hide.\r\n\r\nA policeman found the sacks and decided to give the first one a kick. It meowed. \"Aww, it's a sack full of kittens,\" he said. He kicked the second bag and it barked. \"Aww, it's a sack full of puppies,\" he said. He kicked the third one and it didn't do anything. He kicked it again and it didn't do anything. He was about to kick it again when the blonde popped out of it and said, \"I can't act like potatoes if you keep kicking me, duh!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11780,
"title": "Potatoes"
},
{
"body": "This joke may seem racist to some. I just wanted to warn you of this before you read it.\r\n\r\nSally - Where does a baby go after he or she has passed away?\r\nJoe - I don't know.\r\nSally - To heaven. What does the baby get after he or she arrives in heaven?\r\nJoe - I don't know.\r\nSally - Wings. What is the baby called?\r\nJoe - I don't know.\r\nSally - An Angel. Where does a black baby go after he or she has passed away?\r\nJoe - I don't know.\r\nSally - To heaven. What does the baby get after he or she arrives in heaven?\r\nJoe - I don't know.\r\nSally - Wings. What is the baby called?\r\nJoe - A bat!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11781,
"title": "Angel Babies"
},
{
"body": "Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a bright, sunny day that comes after two cold, cloudy days? Monday.\r\n\r\nA snake slithers into a bar. The barman says, \"I can't serve you, you obviously can't hold your drink.\"\r\n\r\nWhich side of a chicken has the most feathers? The outside.\r\n\r\nTwo parrots on a perch. One says, \"Do you smell fish?\"\r\n\r\nAn eel slithers into a bar. The barman says, \"I can't serve you, you're legless.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11784,
"title": "A Few One Liners"
},
{
"body": "Why aren't dogs allowed in the White House?\r\n\r\nThey might pee on the Bush!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 11785,
"title": "Bush"
},
{
"body": "this site is awesome! look 4 the difference between the pics!\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nhttp://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11786,
"title": "Awesome Joke"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock!\r\nWho's there?\r\nWho who. \r\nWho who who? \r\nIs there an owl in here?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 11787,
"title": "Who Who?"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock!\r\nWho's there?\r\nAmos.\r\nAmos who?\r\nAmosquito bit me!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 11788,
"title": "Mosquito"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock!\r\nWho's there?\r\nMoo, moo, who.\r\nMoo, moo, who, who?\r\nWell, make up your mind, are you a cow or an owl?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 11789,
"title": "Cow or Owl?"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nToulose.\r\nToulose who?\r\nI don't want to lose to anybody!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 11790,
"title": "Toulose"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nAre you,\r\nAre you who?\r\nAre you going to let me in or not?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 11791,
"title": "Are You?"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nYudare.\r\nYudare who?\r\nYou dare to disturb me,while I am sleeping?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 11793,
"title": "Yudare"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so stupid, she got lost in a parking lot!!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11796,
"title": "Parking"
},
{
"body": "A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, \"How was I born?\" \r\n\"Well honey...\" said the slightly prudish parent, \"the stork brought you to us.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh,\" said the boy. \"Well, how did you and daddy get born?\" he asked. \r\n\r\n\"Oh, the stork brought us too.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?\" he persisted. \r\n\r\n\"Well darling, the stork brought them too!\" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. \r\n\r\nSeveral days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: \r\n\"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11798,
"title": "The Mystery of Childbirth"
},
{
"body": "A calendar \u00e2\u0080\u0093 something that goes in one year and out the other.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11799,
"title": "A Calendar"
},
{
"body": "Ethel and Bunty were getting just a little bored in the senior citizens' home, when Bunty had an idea. \"I bet you $100 that you won't streak round the garden, Ethel.\"\r\n\"You have got a bet,\" replies Ethel, so she disrobes and sets off round the garden.\r\nTom and Bob were enjoying a relaxing time in the garden when Ethel went past.\r\nBob says, \"Wasn't that Ethel that went by?\"\r\nTom replies, \"Yes, I do believe it was.\"\r\n\"What was she wearing then?\"\r\n\"I don't know,\" said Tom, \"but it surely needed ironing.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11801,
"title": "Bunty's Dare"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a dentist's and says, \"Can you help me? I think I'm a moth.\"\r\nThe dentist says, \"You need a psychiatrist, mate.\"\r\nThe man says, \"Yes, I know.\"\r\nThe dentist replies, \"Well, why have you come in here?\"\r\n\"Your light was on!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 11802,
"title": "Another Psychiatrist"
},
{
"body": "I bought a book called \"How to Hug,\" and when I got it home, found it was volume 7 of an encyclopedia.\r\n\r\nI phoned the gym, and asked if they could teach me to do the splits. The girl asked if I was flexible, and I said I couldn't do Tuesdays.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11803,
"title": "Some More One Liners"
},
{
"body": "A woman in a cafe had ordered turtle soup, but changed her mind and asked for pea soup instead. \r\nShe heard the waiter call, \"Hold the turtle, make it pea!\"\r\n\r\nAt the next table, a man ordered the fish, but when the waiter brought it, he was holding the fish on the plate.\r\nWhen asked why he was holding it on the plate, he said he didn't want it to fall on the floor again.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11804,
"title": "Dining Out"
},
{
"body": "I had a part in the local repertory company's Shakespeare week, and was allocated the dressing room that was next to the large room shared by three of the actresses. One day, a friend of mine was visiting me when he drew my attention to the fact that there was a small hole in the dividing wall.\r\n\"You can see right through into next door!\" he exclaimed.\r\n\"Ah, let 'em look,\" I said.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11805,
"title": "The Actor"
},
{
"body": "Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., The Incredible Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster. \r\n\r\nDon't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Super Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin. \r\n\r\nChoose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman. \r\n\r\nDon't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman, Captain Invincible on a good day. \r\n\r\nBut don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy. \r\n\r\nDon't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g.,Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Sweetiepie. \r\n\r\nDon't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains. \r\n\r\nIt's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital hole-in-the-heart condition. It's just asking for trouble. \r\n\r\nDon't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not. \r\n\r\nDon't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl. \r\n\r\nDon't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90. \r\n\r\nDon't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11806,
"title": "Rules For Being a Superhero"
},
{
"body": "1. On a mall child's cart bag\r\n Do not put child in bag (Who does?)\r\n\r\n2. On food court restaurant counters\r\n Warning: Touching hot surfaces may burn you (Wanna try?)\r\n\r\n3a. Bush on war in Iraq\r\n \"We're not going to have any casualties.\" (Where are we now, huh?)\r\n\r\n3b. Bush's description of the White House\r\n \"It is white.\" (WOW! Who knew???)\r\n\r\n3c. Our future\r\n \"The future will look better tommorow.\" (That settles it, we're all gonna die.)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11807,
"title": "Written Mistakes 2 (Now W/ Dumb Bush Quotes)"
},
{
"body": "A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, \"Would you like to live with your mother?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" said the boy.\r\n\r\n\"Why not?\" said the judge.\r\n\r\n\"Because she beats me.\"\r\n\r\nThe judge says, \"Okay, then you'll go live with your father.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, no,\" cried the boy, \"he beats me too.\"\r\n\r\nDumbfounded, the judge asks \"Okay, who do you want to live with?\"\r\n\r\n\"I want to live with the New York Yankees.\"\r\n\r\n\"Why?\" asks the judge. \r\n\r\n\"They don't beat anybody.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11808,
"title": "Adopted By the Yankees"
},
{
"body": "There is a major difference between the way a dog thinks and the way a cat thinks.\r\nA dog says, \"You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. You must be God.\"\r\nA cat says, \"You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. I must be God.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11812,
"title": "Dogs Vs. Cats"
},
{
"body": "This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness.\r\n\r\nThis memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.\r\n\r\n\r\n\"Mouse Balls\"\r\n\r\nMouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).\r\n\r\nTherefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.\r\n\r\nBefore proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.\r\n\r\nUpon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.\r\n\r\nIt is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.\r\n\r\nAny customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 11813,
"title": "Mouse Balls"
},
{
"body": "You have to see this joke to believe it.\r\n\r\n- Editor's Note: Link Deleted -",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 11815,
"title": "Flush A Holy Book"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you cross a cheetah with a hamburger?\r\n\r\n\r\nFast food!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11816,
"title": "Fast Food"
},
{
"body": "Why do cows wear bells?\r\nBecause their horns don't work.\r\n\r\nWhy is a river rich?\r\nBecause it has two banks.\r\n\r\nWhat is a foreign ant called?\r\nImport-ant.\r\n\r\nWhat do ants take when they are ill?\r\nAnti-biotics.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11819,
"title": "Fun Quiz"
},
{
"body": "What is the fastest way to double your money?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBy folding it in half",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11820,
"title": "Money, money"
},
{
"body": "What did one glass say to another glass?\r\nLets have a break.\r\n\r\nWhat did one ghost say to another ghost?\r\nDo you believe in people?\r\n\r\nWhat did one chair say to another chair?\r\nHere comes another bum.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11821,
"title": "Fun Quiz 2"
},
{
"body": "What is the similarity between Michael Jackson and a Playstation 2?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThey both are made of plastic, and they both get turned on by kids.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11822,
"title": "Michael Jackson"
},
{
"body": "'Doctor,doctor.I think that I'm a bridge.'\r\n'What on earth's come over you?'\r\n'Well a car,a bike.....'",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 11824,
"title": "Bridge"
},
{
"body": "One afternoon, a woman was in her back yard hanging laundry when a tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out. \r\n\r\nThe next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, the woman finally pinned a note to his collar, it read: 'Every afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap.' \r\n\r\nThe next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: \"We have six children. He's trying to catch up on his sleep.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11827,
"title": "Sleepy Dog"
},
{
"body": "One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. \r\n\r\nSoon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. \r\n\r\nAfter the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full. \r\n\r\n\"Here's the problem,\" the doctor explained. \"He just needs to be changed.\" \r\n\r\nThe perplexed father remarked, \"But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 11830,
"title": "New Baby"
},
{
"body": "A merger has been announced between the California Highway Patrol (CHiPs) and the California Fish and Game Department.\r\nIt will be called Fish and Chips.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 11831,
"title": "A Merger"
},
{
"body": "I tried to walk into Target one day...\r\n\r\nI missed",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11834,
"title": "Target"
},
{
"body": "Sam didn't want to go on the blind date that Tom had arranged for him. \"What if she's really ugly and I hate her?\" he complained.\r\n\r\n\"Then just clutch your chest and fake a heart attack,\" Tom replied. Sam thought this was a good idea, so he agreed to go through with it. \r\n\r\nHe went to the address Tom had given him, and a beautiful woman answered the door. \"Hi, I'm your blind date!\" Sam said. The woman clutched her chest and fell to the ground.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11838,
"title": "Blind Date"
},
{
"body": "Justin: If you give me a quarter, I'll give you everything in my lunch box.\r\nZach: That depends... what's in your lunchbox?\r\nJustin: Nothing!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11839,
"title": "Quarter For Nothing"
},
{
"body": "She Was So Blonde\r\n\r\nShe told someone to meet her at the corner of \"Walk\" and \"Don't Walk\".",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11843,
"title": "Duh!!!"
},
{
"body": "What does the hot dog say after winning a race?\r\n\r\nI'm a WIENER!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11849,
"title": "Hotdog Wins!!!!"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a teacher and a train? \r\n\r\nA teacher says \"spit your gum out\" and a train says \"choo choo!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11851,
"title": "Teacher/Train"
},
{
"body": "Confucius say: Sperm sample from Nobel Prize winner is stroke of genius.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11853,
"title": "Nobel Prize"
},
{
"body": "Confucius Say: Crowd in elevator smell different to midget.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11855,
"title": "Elevator"
},
{
"body": "Confucius say: Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways, going to Bangkok",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11856,
"title": "Airport"
},
{
"body": "She used to have a broad mind and a narrow waist; now it's the other way round.\r\n\r\nIt was a very emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers.\r\n\r\nPsychic wanted \u00e2\u0080\u0093 you know why, and where to apply.\r\n\r\nI don't think they really wanted me in the marching band \u00e2\u0080\u0093 they gave me a piano.\r\n\r\nThen, when we played hide and seek, no-one came to look for me.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11857,
"title": "Some More One Liners II"
},
{
"body": "I was walking around in the movies with my friends and we saw this one teenager.\r\nHis pants were falling down, so I said to my friends, \"God, these kids nowadays! I thought a rapper died and the kid decided to put his pants half-staff!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11859,
"title": "Half-Staff"
},
{
"body": "A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.\r\n\r\nHe was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.\r\n\r\nOnce he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.\r\n\r\n\"You know,\" said the doctor, \"you really have to learn to trust me.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 11860,
"title": "Trust the Doctor"
},
{
"body": "One evening, impressed by a meat entree his wife had prepared, the husband asked, \"What did you marinate this in?\"\r\n\r\nThe wife dropped her fork and went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him.\r\n\r\nShe must have seen the confused look on her husband's face, because she inquired, \"What did you ask me?\" When he told her what he'd asked, the wife laughed and said, \"I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!\"\r\n\r\nLater, as she was cleaning up the kitchen, the husband called out, \"Hey, Hon, WOULD you marry me again?\" Without hesitation she replied, \"Vinegar and barbecue sauce.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11861,
"title": "Hearing Problems"
},
{
"body": "The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.\r\n\r\n\"You need to make sure this dog runs around,\" the doctor said. \"Try playing a game of fetch with him.\"\r\n\r\n\"I can't play fetch with my dog,\" the blonde said.\r\n\r\n\"Why not?\" the doctor asked.\r\n\r\n\"Because,\" she replied, \"he can't throw.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11863,
"title": "Playing With the Dog"
},
{
"body": "Holiday Banana Bread:\r\n\r\nIngredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana\r\n\r\nInstructions: 1 - look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.\r\n\r\n2 - Spread well shaped legs slowly.\r\n\r\n3 - Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased - check with middle finger.\r\n\r\n4 - Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.\r\n\r\n5 - Lower nuts and sigh with relief. When banana is soft, bread is done!\r\n\r\n6 - Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but \"do not lick the bowl.\" NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 11868,
"title": "Making Bread"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was filling out an application form. She quickly filled in the columns for Name; Age; Address et c.\r\nWhen she came to the column Salary Expected, she put \"Yes.\"\r\n\r\nAt an air show, the blonde turned to her partner and said, \"I wouldn't like to be up there in one of those!\"\r\nHer partner replied, \"I wouldn't like to be up there without one.\"\r\n\r\nA blond farmer had a donkey had refused to go under a bridge, and when she measured the donkey and the bridge, found that the donkey was 6 inches too tall to go under.\r\nShe got a hammer and chisel, and was cutting two grooves for the donkey's ears when a passer-by suggested she dig a groove in the ground for the donkey's feet.\r\n\"Don't be so daft,\" she said, \"it's his ears that's too long, not his legs.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11870,
"title": "Some Blond Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Godzilla, King Kong, and a smart blonde are all on the Empire State Building. Who jumps first?\r\n\r\nNone. Because none of them exist!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11876,
"title": "Empire State Building"
},
{
"body": "The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, \"Do you know what I use this for?\"\r\n\r\nThe navigator replied timidly, \"No, what's it for?\"\r\n\r\nThe pilot responded, \"I use this on navigators who get me lost!\"\r\n\r\nThe navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.\r\n\r\nThe pilot asked, \"What's that for?\"\r\n\r\n\"To be honest sir,\" the navigator replied, \"I'll know we're lost before you will.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11877,
"title": "Pilot and Navigator...such Good Friends"
},
{
"body": "There once was a college professor who didn't buy into the whole \"there's no such thing as a stupid question\" philosophy. Every year when he had a new class he instructed the students to ask him as many stupid questions as they could think of on the first day. That way, he figured, there'd be a minimized amount of stupidity for the duration of the term.\r\n\r\nThe professor thought he'd heard every stupid question there was and didn't laugh no matter what his students asked him, not even a smirk. Then, finally, a student asked something that he'd never heard before. The question made him laugh so hard he couldn't stand up. A lanky, tomboyish girl raised her hand with a wry smile on her face, stood up and asked, \"What is a question?\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 11880,
"title": "There IS Such a Thing As a Stupid Question"
},
{
"body": "Two criminals are talking in a jail cell.\r\n\r\n\"What are you in for?\" \r\n\r\n\"Something I did NOT do!\" \r\n\r\n\"Sooo... you're innocent? What did you not do?\" \r\n\r\n\"I DIDN'T run fast enough!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11884,
"title": "I Didn't"
},
{
"body": "Law of Cat Inertia\r\nA cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force \u00e2\u0080\u0093 such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.\r\n\r\nLaw of Cat Motion\r\nA cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.\r\n\r\nLaw of Cat Magnetism\r\nAll blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.\r\n\r\nLaw of Cat Thermodynamics\r\nHeat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.\r\n\r\nLaw of Cat Stretching\r\nA cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.\r\n\r\nLaw of Cat Sleeping\r\nAll cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable for the cat, as possible.\r\n\r\nLaw of Cat Elongation\r\nA cat can make her body long enough to reach any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.\r\n\r\nLaw of Cat Obstruction\r\nA cat must lie on the floor in a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.\r\n\r\nLaw of Cat Acceleration\r\nA cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11886,
"title": "Laws of Feline Physics I"
},
{
"body": "Laws of Feline Physics II\r\n\r\nLaw of Dinner Table Attendance\r\nCats must attend all meals when anything good is served.\r\n\r\nLaw of Rug Configuration\r\nNo rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.\r\n\r\nLaw of Obedient Resistance\r\nA cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.\r\n\r\nFirst Law of Energy Conservation\r\nCats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.\r\n\r\nSecond Law of Energy Conservation\r\nCats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.\r\n\r\nLaw of Refrigeration Observation\r\nIf a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.\r\n\r\nLaw of Electric Blanket Attraction\r\nTurn on an electric blanket, and a cat will jump onto the bed at the speed of light.\r\n\r\nLaw of Random Comfort Seeking\r\nA cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.\r\n\r\nLaw of Bag or Box Occupancy\r\nAll bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11887,
"title": "Laws of Feline Physics II"
},
{
"body": "Laws of Feline Physics III\r\n\r\nLaw of Cat Embarrassment\r\nA cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment, multiplied by the amount of human laughter.\r\n\r\nLaw of Milk Consumption\r\nA cat will drink his weight in milk squared, just to show that he can.\r\n\r\nLaw of Furniture Replacement\r\nA cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.\r\n\r\nLaw of Cat Landing\r\nA cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.\r\n\r\nLaw of Fluid Displacement\r\nA cat, immersed in milk, will displace her own volume minus the amount of milk consumed.\r\n\r\nLaw of Cat Disinterest\r\nA cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends trying to interest him.\r\n\r\nLaw of Pill Rejection\r\nAny pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.\r\n\r\nLaw of Cat Composition\r\nA cat is composed of matter + anti-matter + it doesn't matter.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11888,
"title": "Laws of Feline Physics III"
},
{
"body": "Two blond adventurers were on holiday, and went to see Niagara Falls.\r\n\r\nAfter a few drinks one night, one bet the other $500 he couldn't carry him across the falls on a tightrope.\r\n\r\nAfter a very scary trip, his friend managed to stagger safely across, and the wager was duly paid.\r\n\r\n\"That was close,\" said the loser. \"When you wobbled, halfway across, I was sure I'd won.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11889,
"title": "Niagara - Falls?"
},
{
"body": "There was this lady who was in the shower and her little boy walked in on her taking a shower & he saw her pubic hairs and says:\r\n\"Mommy what's that?\" as he pointed down to her.\r\n\"Well, that's Mommy's washcloth.\"\r\n\r\nThe next day he walked in on her again, and asked her again. She says it was her washcloth. Well, this time when he walked out she shaved it off because she got tired of him asking.\r\n\r\nSo the next day when he walked in on her, he asks:\r\n\"Mommy what happened to your washcloth?\"\r\n\"Uh, Mommy lost it.\" So the little boy walked out.\r\n\r\nThe next day he walked in on his mom and says:\r\n\"Hey Mommy, the maid found your washcloth. She is washing Daddy's face with it!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11892,
"title": "Mommy's Washcloth"
},
{
"body": "What did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him? I didn't do it on porpoise!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11893,
"title": "No Pushing!"
},
{
"body": "Three men were at a business convention where they were discussing cars.\r\n\r\nOne man said, \"I am an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn.\" \r\n\r\nAnother man says, \"I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort.\" \r\n\r\nThe last man speaks up saying, \"Well, I beat both of you - I am a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 11896,
"title": "Men and Their Cars"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so stupid, when they said \"Drinks are on the house!\" She went and got a ladder.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11899,
"title": "Yo Mommas So Stupid"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat that small things orbit her!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11900,
"title": "Orbit"
},
{
"body": "There were three blondes stranded on an island.\r\n\r\nThey were left with one bottle of water, so the decided to have thirds of the bottle.\r\n\r\nThe next day, the bottle is lying empty next to one blonde, \r\nand the other two blondes say, \"Why'd you drink all the water?\" and the blonde says, \"But my third was at the bottom.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11901,
"title": "The Island"
},
{
"body": "She make Olympic sumo wrestlers look anorexic.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11904,
"title": "Sumo Wrestler"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so stupid, she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11906,
"title": "T.V"
},
{
"body": "A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street caf\u00c3\u00a9 watching the crowd. Across the street, they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes later, they reappeared, with a third person.\r\n\r\n\"They have multiplied,\" said the biologist.\r\n\r\n\"Oh no, it's an error in measurement,\" the physicist replied.\r\n\r\n\"If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again,\" was the mathematician's conclusion.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11909,
"title": "How Many People?"
},
{
"body": "What do you say to a redneck with a beautiful woman on his arm?\r\n\r\n\"Hey, nice tattoo!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 11910,
"title": "Beautiful Woman"
},
{
"body": "Recently, Germans conducted some scientific exploration involving their best men. Core drilling samples were taken to a depth of 50 metres, and during these examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered.\r\nAfter running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that 25,000 years ago, ancient Germans had a nationwide telephone network.\r\nThe British government was unimpressed, and conducted their own survey. From samples drilled to a depth of 100 meters, they found small pieces of glass, and announced that 35,000 years ago, the ancient Britons had a nationwide optical-fibre network.\r\nThe Irish government felt they had to conduct their own survey, their scientists bored to a depth of 200 meters, but found absolutely nothing.\r\nThey concluded that, 55,000 years ago, the ancient Irish already had a thriving cell phone network in place.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 11911,
"title": "The Telephone"
},
{
"body": "There I was, in my car, driving down the road, when my boss rang up and said, \"We're making you Chief Area Salesman,\" and I swerved.\r\nTen minutes later, he called again, \"You're now Deputy Area Manager,\" and I swerved again.\r\nAnother twenty minutes go by, and another phone call, \"You're now Vice Chairman,\" and I swerved right off the road into a ditch.\r\nWhen the police asked what had happened, I said, \"I just careered off the road.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11913,
"title": "Promotion"
},
{
"body": "A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, \"Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?\"\r\n\r\nThe judge's face went red and he roared, \"It most certainly would not! I'd add another two years onto your sentence!\"\r\n\r\nThe defendant nodded and then asked, \"Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?\"\r\n\r\nThe judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, \"Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts.\"\r\n\r\nThe defendant smiled and said, \"Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 11914,
"title": "Think"
},
{
"body": "Report of a duel between Alexander Shott and John Nott, in June 1849.\r\n\r\nNott was shot and Shott was not. In this case, it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot, but Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11916,
"title": "The Duel"
},
{
"body": "Tons of Puns\r\n\r\nEnergizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.\r\nA man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.\r\nA pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.\r\nMy wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.\r\nDijon vu: the same mustard as before.\r\nPractice safe eating: always use condiments.\r\nI fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.\r\nA Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.\r\nShotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.\r\nI used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.\r\nI used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.\r\nIf electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?\r\nA man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.\r\nMarriage is the mourning after the knot before.\r\nA hangover is the wrath of grapes.\r\nIs a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.\r\nDancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.\r\nBanning the bra was a big flop.\r\nSea captains don't like crew cuts.\r\nDoes the name Pavlov ring a bell?\r\nA successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.\r\nTime flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.\r\nA gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.\r\nWithout geometry, life is pointless.\r\nWhen you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.\r\nCondoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.\r\nReading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.\r\nWhen two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11917,
"title": "Lots of Puns"
},
{
"body": "A six-year-old boy came home from playing at his friend's house and told his mother that he had broken a lamp when he threw a football.\r\n\"It's all right, mum,\" he said, brightly; \"you don't have to buy them another! Charlie's mum said it was irreplaceable!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11918,
"title": "The Lamp"
},
{
"body": "The gangster's last words \u00e2\u0080\u0093 \"Who put that violin in my violin case?\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11922,
"title": "The Violin"
},
{
"body": "I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 11923,
"title": "Thai Boxing"
},
{
"body": "A pastor was walking down the street one day when he saw an abandoned kitten in an alley. Feeling sorry for it, he took it home. However, it wasn't until he was in his house when he realized it had a collar. It said \"Fluffy,\" nothing else. No phone number, no street address, nothing. He went around the neighborhood, asking if anyone had lost a cat, to which he always got the same reply: \"No.\" Then, one day the cat got stuck in a tree that was too tall for him to climb. He tried everything: coaxing it with warm milk, scaring it down, even calling the fire department, but nothing worked. Suddenly, while he was reading the newspaper, he got an idea. He tied a rope to the front of his pick-up truck, and then tied it to the branch the cat was on. He backed up the truck, thinking, \"If it gets low enough, I can just grab it.\" He backs up onto the end of his driveway, then gets out of the car to get the cat. But the knot in the tree came undone, and the tree flung the cat over his back yard and into the sky, like a slingshot. The pastor felt very sad, and kept up his search for the cat's owner. Then, one day in the supermarket, he sees a woman from his neighborhood with bags of cat food in her cart. Knowing that she hated cats, he asked her why she was buying cat food She told him this:\r\n\"For a while now my daughter has been begging me for a cat. So last week, when she asked me yet again, I said 'If you want one that badly, then ask God for one!' The next day, I saw her go into the backyard and start praying on an old mattress I had in the backyard. And then the darndest thing happened, I swear this is true, when she got done praying a cat fell out of the sky and into the mattress!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11924,
"title": "Some Kittens CAN Fly!"
},
{
"body": "What do you give the person who has everything?\r\n\r\nA box to keep it all in.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11925,
"title": "What to Give?"
},
{
"body": "1. Wake up and stumble in the room 40 minutes late.\r\n2. Blame all of the problems in America on 9/11 and Iraq. \r\n3. Pronounce \"nuclear\" right. \r\n4. Publish my dog's sequel. \r\n5. Show off my awesome golf shot.\r\n\r\nHey, I counted to five!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 11926,
"title": "Bush's Press Conference Agenda"
},
{
"body": "I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11927,
"title": "Psychic Girlfriend"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so cross-eyed, when I was banging her she thought she was getting a threesome!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11929,
"title": "Cross-Eyed"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between MJ and a grocery bag?\r\nOne is white, made of plastic, dangerous for children to play with, and the other one holds groceries!\r\n\r\nWhy does MJ like Wal-Mart?\r\nBecause they have boys' pants half off!\r\n\r\nWhat time is bedtime in Neverland?\r\nWhen the big hand touches the little hand!\r\n\r\nAnd now, for the grand finale:\r\nWhat is brown and in little boys' pants?\r\nMJ's hand!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11930,
"title": "MJ Jokes"
},
{
"body": "99.9% of all lawyers make the other ones look bad.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 11931,
"title": "Interesting Statistic..."
},
{
"body": "What do you call a group of white people running down a hill?\r\nAvalanche!\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a group of black people running down a hill?\r\nMudslide!\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a group of Latinos running down a hiil?\r\nJAILBREAK!\r\n\r\nHow do you find the country of Mexico?\r\nRoll a quarter down a hill.\r\n\r\nHow do you find the richest Mexican?\r\nFind the one who got the quarter!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11932,
"title": "More Racist Jokes..."
},
{
"body": "Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip one priest says, \"Well, we've worked together for many years now, but we don't really know each other. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins to get better acquainted.\"\r\n\r\nThey look nervously at one another, but agree.\r\nThe first priest says, \"Since it was my idea, I'll go first. With me, it's the drink. Once a year, I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself senseless for a few days; get it out of my system.\"\r\n\r\nThey look at one another again, and eventually the next priest stands up. \"Well, with me it's gambling. Every now and then, I nick some money from the poor box, and go to the races. Gamble the lot; but I've got it out of my system.\"\r\n\r\nThe third priest nervously stands up and says, \"This is very difficult for me. My sin is much worse; I take off my collar and go to the red light district, pick up a girl, and spend a whole week with her; but I've got it out of my system.\"\r\n\r\nThey all look at the fourth priest. \"Come on, we've all told our worst sins, now it's your turn.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" he starts, \"I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 11935,
"title": "The Train Journey II"
},
{
"body": "The other day, I saw my friend with a big puffy red nose.\r\n\r\nI asked her what happened and she said, \"I stopped to smell a brose,\" then I said, \"wait, there's no b in rose!\"\r\n\r\nShe said, \"Well, there was in that one!!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11938,
"title": "THE BROSE"
},
{
"body": "Did you know that 61.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11940,
"title": "Another Interesting Statistic!"
},
{
"body": "How many old geezers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nBack in my day, we didn't have lightbulbs. We put candles in tin cans and hung them from the ceiling with thread. And we had to walk uphill both ways to school in a blizzard with nothing but a potato to keep us warm. And... zzzzzz......",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 11941,
"title": "Geriatric Joke"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA: Hey, that's not funny! We're suing!\r\n\r\nQ: How many Japanese does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA: Who needs lightbulbs with our technology?\r\n\r\nQ: How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA: We can't afford lightbulbs. The only thing I can afford is this old gym sock.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 11942,
"title": "Racial Lightbulb Jokes"
},
{
"body": "So, Michael Jackson walks into a bar.\r\nOh, that looked like it hurt! It must have knocked his nose off!",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 11948,
"title": "Ouch!"
},
{
"body": "Homelite Zip Start Vac Attack Blower:\r\nDo not point blower in direction of people or pets.\r\n(Wild animals are presumably okay?)\r\n\r\nBono 527 Multi-Purpose Cement:\r\nExposure may result in confusion.\r\n(Anyone who sniffs glue is more than confused)\r\n\r\nBowl-Fresh Automatic Toilet Cleaning Tablets:\r\nHarmful if swallowed.\r\n(I know a kid who can put a whole orange in his mouth- but that's beside the point)\r\n\r\n Sunbeam Simple Press Iron:\r\nTo prevent burn injury, keep hand away from heated area.\r\n(I had no idea intense heat could BURN you! Go figure!)\r\n\r\nHungry Jack Lite Syrup:\r\nCaution: Syrup bottle may be hot.\r\n(After lengthy instructions on how to heat the bottle.)\r\n\r\n50 Water Balloons:\r\nThis bag is not a toy.\r\n(Yes indeed, it's the real thing!)\r\n\r\n9 Piece Super Bouncers Bouncing Balls:\r\nThis toy is a small ball.\r\n(Apparently that's a bad thing.)\r\n\r\nTagamet HB2000:\r\nDo not take if you are allergic to Tagamet HB2000 or other acid reducers.\r\n(You would think the name is enough of a hint not to take Tagamet if you're allergic to Tagamet.)\r\n\r\nGold Dial Soap:\r\nUse Gold Dial Soap as you would use ordinary soap.\r\n(What would happen if you used as EXTRAordinary soap?)\r\n\r\n Bath & Body Works Moisture Rich Body Lotion:\r\nCaution: This is not a toy.\r\n(I suppose some people think that moisture rich lotion is a toy. Maybe in California.)\r\n\r\n Mr. Bubbles Body Wash for Kids of All Ages:\r\nCaution: Keep out of reach of young children.\r\n(I don't even know what to say to this.)\r\n\r\nDiflucan 150 mg tablet for yeast infection:\r\nIf overdose is suspected, contact your local poison control center or emergency room immediately.\r\n(It comes in a container with one tablet in it.)\r\n\r\nWal-Mart Sheriff Gun Set:\r\nNever point or shoot a gun at anyone.\r\n(Some would say it is also important to be able to discern between a toy and the real thing.)\r\n\r\nPampers Bibsters:\r\nChoking may result from anything babies put in their mouths.\r\n(Obviously, a safe baby is a starved baby.)\r\n\r\n\r\nAll of these warnings and witty remarks were found in \"Wearing Of This Garment Does Not Enable You To Fly,\" by Jeff Koon and Andy Powell.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11949,
"title": "A Collection of Stupid Warnings"
},
{
"body": "Abortion - Near Life Experience\r\nBald - Follically liberated\r\nBlind - Photonically non-receptive\r\nBum - Displaced homeowner\r\nCannibalism - Intra-Species dining\r\nCensorship - Selective speech\r\nCheating (Marriage) - Post-Marital Affairs\r\nCheating (School) - Academic Dishonesty\r\nClumsy - Uniquely coordinated\r\nCorpse - Permanently static post-human mass\r\nCowboys - Bovine control officers\r\nCrime Rate - Street activity index\r\nDead - Living impaired\r\nDeaf - Visually oriented\r\nDelicatessen - Corpse Farm\r\nDish Washer - Utensil Sanitizer\r\nFat - Person of substance\r\nGas Station Attendant - Petroleum Transfer Technician\r\nHunter - Meat Mercenary\r\nIdiot - Factually Unencumbered\r\nInsane Person - Selectively Perceptive\r\nMidget - Vertically Challenged",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11952,
"title": "Politically Correct Phrases"
},
{
"body": "The Americans and the Russians had a car race, in which the car from America won.\r\n\r\nHowever, the report in the newspapers of Russia, read as follows \u00e2\u0080\u0093\r\n\r\n\"In a recent motor race, the Russian car finished in second place, while the American car finished next to last.\"\r\n\r\n(There were only two cars involved!)",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 11955,
"title": "The Car Race"
},
{
"body": "Jerry Jones applied to a debt-collecting agency for a job, even though he had no experience.\r\n\r\nHe was very intense, so the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected, he'd get the job.\r\n\r\nTwo hours later, Jerry returned \u00e2\u0080\u0093 with the full amount!\r\n\"Amazing!\" said the manager. \"How on earth did you manage that?\"\r\n\r\n\"Easy,\" replied Jerry, \"I told him that if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he'd paid us.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 11956,
"title": "Debt? - or No Debt?"
},
{
"body": "On June 10th, 2006, San Fransisco, California held the largest gay, nude bike ride in the United States. I'm never buying a used bike ever again.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11957,
"title": "Bike Ride..."
},
{
"body": "My dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker's comp.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 11962,
"title": "Word to the Wise on Work"
},
{
"body": "Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about; \r\n \r\n\r\nCan you cry under water? \r\n\r\nHow important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? \r\n\r\nWhy do you have to \"put your two cents in\"... but it's only a \"penny for your thoughts\"? Where's that extra penny going to? \r\n\r\nOnce you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?\r\n\r\nWhy does a round pizza come in a square box? \r\n\r\n What disease did cured ham actually have? \r\n\r\nHow is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? \r\n \r\n\r\nWhy is it that people say they \"slept like a baby\" when babies wake up like every two hours? \r\n\r\nIf a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? \r\n\r\nWhy are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? \r\n\r\nWhy do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? \r\n\r\nWhy do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. \r\n\r\nWhy is \"bra\" singular and \"panties\" plural \r\n\r\nWhy do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? \r\n\r\nIf Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? \r\n\r\nCan a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?\r\n\r\nIf the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? \r\n \r\n\r\nWhy do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? \r\n\r\nWhy does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! \r\n\r\nIf Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? \r\n\r\nIf corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? \r\n\r\nIf electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? \r\n\r\nDo the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? \r\n\r\nWhy did you just try singing the two songs above? \r\n\r\nDid you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11963,
"title": "A List of Things You Probably Haven't Thought About!"
},
{
"body": "Miss Blue(Teacher):\"2 x 2 = 4, 4 x 4 = 16, and now, Brian, what is 16 x 16?\"\r\nBrian(Pupil): \"You cheated, Miss Blue. You always take the easy one and give us the hardest.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 11964,
"title": "Smart vs Teacher?"
},
{
"body": "Patient: \"My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?\"\r\n\r\nDoctor: \"A shoebox!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 11968,
"title": "Falling Hair"
},
{
"body": "How do you make a reindeer fast?\r\n\r\nDon't feed it.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11971,
"title": "How..."
},
{
"body": "What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?\r\n\r\n\"It's Christmas, Eve!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 11972,
"title": "Christmas Eve"
},
{
"body": "I'll be sober tomorrow, but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 11976,
"title": "Tomorrow"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny's mother took him to a supermarket to buy some food.\r\n\r\n\"Anything you break comes out of your allowance money!\" shouted Johnny's mother.\r\n\r\nJohnny turned around and said \"But you don't give me any allowance money!\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, and now you know why.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 11977,
"title": "Allowance Money"
},
{
"body": "One day there was a blonde, brunette, and a red-head. (How often do ya hear that? A lot!) The brunette said, \"Wanna go out for a bite?\" \"Sure,\" said the blonde. A guy walked down the street and the blonde said, \"I call him!\" The blonde went and got him to bite her. \"Why did ya do that,\" asked the brunette? \"I got a BITE.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 11979,
"title": "Bite"
},
{
"body": "When all the national leaders met with Bush...\r\nGermans make your candy, said Germany's leader,\r\nWe abuse it, said Bush.\r\nHolland makes your remotes, said Holland's leader\r\nWe'd die without those, said Bush.\r\nItaly and Mexico bring in great food, said Mexico & Italy,\r\nWe stuff ourselves with it, said Bush.\r\nJapan makes your video games, said Japan's leader;\r\nOur kids and dads love it, said Bush.\r\nChina makes all the rest, said China's leader,\r\nBush said, AMEN.\r\nWHAT DO YOU MAKE? said all but Bush,\r\nBush took them to a farm,\r\nHe took them to a sleping bull.\r\nThe bull had a turd next to it.\r\nIt said \"Made in America\",\r\nBush told them America makes bull****",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 11980,
"title": "What America Makes"
},
{
"body": "10. \"They told me at the blood bank this might happen.\" \r\n\r\n9. \"This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.\"\r\n\r\n8. \"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!\"\r\n\r\n7. \"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.\"\r\n\r\n6. \"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.\"\r\n\r\n5. \"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?\"\r\n\r\n4. \"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.\"\r\n\r\n3. \"The coffee machine is broken.\"\r\n\r\n2. \"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.\"\r\n\r\n1. \"...in Jesus' name. Amen.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 11983,
"title": "What to Say If Caught Sleeping At Your Desk"
},
{
"body": "Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11984,
"title": "Answering Machine Message 119"
},
{
"body": "An anagram, as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding! \r\n\r\nDormitory - Dirty Room\r\nDesperation - A Rope Ends It\r\nThe Morse Code - Here Come Dots\r\nSlot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em\r\nAnimosity - Is No Amity\r\nMother-in-law - Woman Hitler\r\nSnooze Alarms - Alas! No More Z's\r\nAlec Guinness - Genuine Class\r\nSemolina - Is No Meal\r\nA Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place\r\nThe Earthquakes - That Queer Shake\r\nEleven plus two - Twelve plus one\r\nContradiction - Accord not in it\r\nThe Public Art Galleries - Large Picture Halls, I Bet\r\nAstronomer - Moon Starer \r\n\r\nThis one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare] \r\n\r\nTo be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. \r\n\r\nBecomes: \r\n\r\nIn one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten. \r\n\r\nAnd the grand finale: \r\n\r\n\"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.\" -- Neil A. Armstrong \r\n\r\nbecomes: \r\n\r\nA thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 11986,
"title": "Anagrams"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so fat . . .\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat her nickname is \"Lardo\".\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat we're in her right now.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for condors.\r\n\r\nYo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her . . .\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says \"okay!\"\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said \"Taxi!\"\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge, too.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear \"Caution! Wide Turn\".\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read \"one at a time, please.\"\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she's got her own area code!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago . . .\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be aerial views!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearing tights!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car! \r\n\r\nYo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it \"says to be continued.\"\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she influences the tides.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, \"Who threw that rock?\"\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.\r\n\r\nYo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11989,
"title": "Yo Momma So Fat"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was \"illegitimate\" because she couldn't read.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she asked you \"What is the number for 911\"\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put \"O.K.\"\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she stole free bread.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid that under \"Education\" on her job apllication, she put \"Hooked on Phonics.\"\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.\r\n\r\nYo mama so stupid she watches \"The Three Stooges\" and takes notes.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11990,
"title": "Yo Momma So Stupid"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so greasy\r\nYo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!\r\n\r\nYo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!\r\n\r\nYo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11991,
"title": "Yo Momma So Greasy"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so skinny\r\nYo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio\r\n\r\nYo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.\r\n\r\nYo mama so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 11993,
"title": "Yo Momma So Skinny"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so lazy, she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.\r\n\r\nYo momma so lazy, she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!\r\n\r\nYo momma so lazy, she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11994,
"title": "Yo Momma So Lazy"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's head so small, she use a tea-bag as a pillow.\r\n\r\nYo momma's head so small, she got her ear pierced and died.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11995,
"title": "Yo Momma Head So Small"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so poor\r\nYo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said \"Moving.\"\r\n\r\nYo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!\r\n\r\nYo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!\r\n\r\nYo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!\r\n\r\nYo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,\"DING!\"\r\n\r\nYo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.\r\n\r\nYo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.\r\n\r\nYo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.\r\n\r\nYo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, \"What ya doin'?\" She said, \"Buying luggage.\"\r\n\r\nYo mama so poor she drives a peanut.\r\n\r\nYo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11996,
"title": "Yo Momma So Poor"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon.\r\n\r\nYo mama so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11997,
"title": "Yo Momma So Tall"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma is so bald\r\nYo mamma so bald even a wig wouldn't help!\r\n\r\nYo mamma so bald you can see what's on her mind\r\n\r\nYo mamma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 11998,
"title": "Yo Momma So Bald"
},
{
"body": "What did the mama broom say to the little broom?\r\nGo to sweep little one.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12002,
"title": "Broom"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between the teacher and the one who minds trains?\r\n\r\nThe teacher trains minds, the other minds trains.",
"category": "College",
"id": 12003,
"title": "Difference Between Teacher And..."
},
{
"body": "What starts with T, ends with the T and has full of T's?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n[You must answer it and write it in the comment box!(hehe)]",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12004,
"title": "T's"
},
{
"body": "In a classroom, the teacher tell the pupils that peanuts make your smarter.\r\nThen a pupil said: \"Are you nuts?\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 12006,
"title": "Teacher"
},
{
"body": "Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week.\r\n\r\nThey decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.\r\n\r\nThe officer hauled them off to security for questioning.\r\n\r\nThe supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.\r\n\r\nThe first boy innocently said, \"My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.\"\r\n\r\nThe second added, \"My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.\"\r\n\r\nThe third boy was a little shaken up and said, \"Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12008,
"title": "Peanuts at the Zoo"
},
{
"body": "Sometimes I think I'm stupid... until I met George W. Bush. Now I feel like the smartest man in the world.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12009,
"title": "Bush"
},
{
"body": "It's late at night, the weather's terrible, with lashing rain and high winds, when the traveller decides he's had enough and pulls in to the hotel car park.\r\n\r\nHe grabs a few essentials and makes a dash for the foyer.\r\n\r\n\"Can you let me have a room for the night, please?\" he enquires. \"Very sorry, sir, we've no spare rooms at all,\" responds the helpful clerk.\r\n\r\n\"You've no room at all? I find that hard to believe. I think that if George Dubya arrived now, you'd find a room for him!\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, I think we might find something for *him*.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, he's not coming, so I'll have the room!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12010,
"title": "The Room"
},
{
"body": "Jerry, a college freshman, was sitting in his English class. His teacher noticed that he wasn't paying attention, so asked to see him after class. Jerry went up to the teacher's desk, and waited while the teacher was talking to a attractive freshman girl. When he was done, he said, \"Jerry, why weren't you paying attention in my class?\" \"I was staring at the hot babe you were just talking to,\" Jerry said.\r\n\"But don't get any ideas,\" Jerry said, \"you're way to old for her.\"\r\n\"Oh, really?\" the teacher said. \"Yeah, you're old enough to be her father!\" said Jerry.\r\n\"This talk is over!\" said the teacher. Jerry starts to walk out when the teacher says, \"And by the way, Jerry, next class don't stare at my daughter!\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 12011,
"title": "A Distraction"
},
{
"body": "I read right the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 12012,
"title": "Everything But . . . ."
},
{
"body": "One day a blonde named Sharon was sitting at her till at the supermarket.\r\n\r\nSuddenly, she had an idea that would change the world forever. \r\n\r\nShe had invented mind-mail!\r\n\r\nShe called over her boss and told him. He was astonished and said, \"Go on then, send me a mail through your mind!\"\r\n\r\nShe did as she was told, and sent him one.\r\n\r\nThe manager then said, \"I didn't quite get that, what was the message?\"\r\n\r\nShe replied, \"I dunno, work it out for yourself!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12013,
"title": "Mind-mail"
},
{
"body": "Submit a joke = I'm a but jokes\r\nThat's so stupid = Sadist puts hot\r\n..................................\r\nBonus jokes with my fur = Joy! Swift knob humerus\r\nlet's hear a joke = Jerk tease halo\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n(If you guys want that I anagram a sentence you like then post it on the comment box.\r\nBut only from 7 letters to 30 letters!)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12015,
"title": "Anagram Short +Tell Me What to Anagram(bonus)"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Julia, how can you say Asshole in a nicer way?\r\nJulia: As holes.",
"category": "College",
"id": 12016,
"title": "Teacher:..."
},
{
"body": "What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12023,
"title": "Fluffy"
},
{
"body": "How do you know if a 500-pound man is a millionaire?\r\n(That's 500-pound fat, not muscle.)\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause he will have a totally hot, blonde, babe on his arm.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12025,
"title": "A Fat Man"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat that when she got into an elevator, she exceeded the weight limit. \r\n\r\nI wonder how many it took to get her in there in the first place?",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12026,
"title": "Elevator"
},
{
"body": "\"They misunderestimate me.\" -Nov. 6, 2000\r\n\r\n\"Rarely is the question asked: Is out children learning?\" -Jan. 11, 2000\r\n\r\n\"I aim to be a competitive nation.\" -April 21, 2006",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12027,
"title": "Stupidest Bush Quotes Ever..."
},
{
"body": "Drink apple juice, because O.J. will kill you.\r\n\r\n(O.J. = Orange Juice)",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12028,
"title": "Juice"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\n \r\nWho's There? \r\n\r\nWell Water\r\n\r\nWell Water Who?\r\n\r\nWell Water You Waiting For? Open The Door And Let Me IN!!!!!!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12029,
"title": "Well..."
},
{
"body": "Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box with holes punched in the top.\r\n\r\n\"What's in that box?\" Mrs. Riddle asked.\r\n\"A cat,\" Mrs. Biddle answered.\r\n\"What for?\"\r\n\"I've been dreaming about mice at night, and I'm scared of mice. The cat is to catch them.\"\r\n\"But the mice you dream about are imaginary,\" said Mrs. Riddle.\r\n\r\nMrs. Biddle turned to her friend and whispered, \"So is the cat.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12032,
"title": "Nightmare Mice"
},
{
"body": "Hillary Clinton noticed that she was unusually hungry, having stomache pains, and hasn't had her period for 2 months.\r\n\r\nShe decides to go a doctor to get checked out. The doctor returns with the diagnosis that she is indeed pregnant.\r\n\r\nAs you can imagine, the first thing she did was call her husband, Bill Clinton. \"Honey, I have some news for you. You got me PREGNANT.\" After a few minutes, Bill's voice comes back on the line. \r\n\"Don't panic. I will sort this out, but first I need to know who you are.\"\r\n\r\n*This is not true*",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12035,
"title": "Clinton Pregnancy"
},
{
"body": "One day a man was walking down the road and saw the priest also walking. Since he knows the priest usually rides a bike he asks where it is. \r\n\r\n\"Well, I woke up this morning and couldn't find it,\" he replies.\r\n\r\n\"Oh. Well, here is an idea. When you go over the Ten Commandments in your sermon this morning, bear down real hard on Thou shall not steal. Then, whoever took it will feel guilty and give it back.\"\r\n\r\n\"Great idea!\"\r\n\r\nWell, that afternoon the man sees the priest riding his bike. \"I see they gave it back to you. I knew my idea would work!\" he says.\r\n\r\n\"Well, actually I went through the Ten Commandments like you said, but when I got to Thou shall not commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 12043,
"title": "The Bad Priest"
},
{
"body": "A blonde and a brunette jump off of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Who lands first?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n \r\n\\ / \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/\r\n\r\n\r\nThe brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12044,
"title": "The Leaning Tower of Pisa"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so hairy...\r\n\r\n...you almost died of rugburn at birth!\r\n\r\n...she looks like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.\r\n\r\n...bigfoot is taking her picture!\r\n\r\n...she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12047,
"title": "Yo Momma So Hairy"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so nasty...\r\n\r\n...she made speed stick slow down.\r\n\r\n...she brings crabs to the beach.\r\n\r\n...she made right guard turn left.\r\n\r\n...the fishery payed her to leave.\r\n\r\n...she has to creep up on bathwater.\r\n\r\n...that she pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh.\r\n\r\n...I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12049,
"title": "Yo Momma So Nasty..."
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so old\r\nYo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.\r\n\r\nYo mama so old her social security number is 1!\r\n\r\nYo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.\r\n\r\nYo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.\r\n\r\nYo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it.\r\n\r\nYo mama so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.\r\n\r\nYo mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.\r\n\r\nYo mama so old she ran track with dinosaurs.\r\n\r\nYo mama so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12050,
"title": "Yo Momma So Old"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's head so large she has to step into her shirts.\r\n\r\nYo mama head is so big it shows up on radar.\r\n\r\nYo mama's house is so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies!\r\n\r\nYo mama house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.\r\n\r\nYo mama's teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!\r\n\r\nYo mama teeth are so yellow she spits butter.\r\n\r\nYo mama's glasses so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.\r\n\r\nYo mama's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.\r\n\r\nYo mama's house is so small that when she orders a large pizza she has to go outside to eat it.\r\n\r\nYo mama's house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12052,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "Man 1: \"I was on the television last night.\"\r\n\r\nMan 2: \"Were you really?\"\r\n\r\nMan 1: \"Yeah. When I'm drunk I'll sleep anywhere.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12054,
"title": "On T.V"
},
{
"body": "Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next. \r\n\r\nFinally a friend asked him, \"What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" Manny replied. \"I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!\" \r\n\r\n\"Listen,\" his friend suggested, \"Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole mother?\" \r\n\r\nMany weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again. \r\n\r\n\"So, Manny, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother?\" \r\n\r\nManny shrugged his shoulders, \"Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her; they became great friends.\" \r\n\r\n\"Excellent!!! So.... are you and this girl engaged yet?\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm afraid not. My father can't stand her!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12057,
"title": "The Perfect Girlfriend"
},
{
"body": "\"Excuse me, is this tuna dolphin-friendly?\"\r\n\r\n\"Dolphin-friendly? He was only best man at Flipper's wedding!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12059,
"title": "(Not the Piano) Tuna"
},
{
"body": "A blonde and her friends at a military camp had been taken out to play a game of paintball. Her team all bundle into their trench and prepare for the game. Suddenly, the whistle blows to signal the start of the game and the group-leader shouts,\r\n\r\n\"Fire at will!\"\r\n\r\nAs the rest of the blonde's group start firing she turns to the group-leader and asks,\r\n\r\n\"Which one's Will?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12061,
"title": "Paint-ball"
},
{
"body": "This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas,\r\nbut there are more Catholic churches than casinos there.\r\n\r\nNot surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.\r\n\r\nSince they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to sort the offerings.\r\n\r\nThe churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Fransiscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nYou didn't even see it coming, did you?",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 12062,
"title": "Las Vegas"
},
{
"body": "Q: Which sea animal is very grumpy?\r\n\r\n\r\nA: The crab!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12063,
"title": "Grumpy"
},
{
"body": "Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12067,
"title": "Did You Hear About the Blond That..."
},
{
"body": "In the middle ages, the monks were only allowed to talk once every year to the priest. They were only allowed two words to say.\r\n\r\nOne year, when a new monk came, the priest told him of this and the monk agreed.\r\n\r\nAfter the first year, the monk said in a sad voice, \"Bed hard.\"\r\n\r\nThe priest frowned at him and ushered him away.\r\n\r\nThe next year the poor monk said in a sad voice, \r\n\"Food cold.\"\r\n\r\nThe priest scowled at him and told him to go away back to work.\r\n\r\nThe next year the monk said in a sad voice, \"Quit job.\"\r\n\r\n\r\nThe priest suddenly shouted, \"Finally! You've been here three years and all you've done is complain!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 12068,
"title": "Complaining"
},
{
"body": "How come when you mix water and flour together \r\n\r\n you get glue?.. \r\n\r\n\r\n and then you add eggs \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nand sugar...\r\n\r\nand you get cake? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nWhere did the glue go ?\r\n\r\n\r\nNEED AN ANSWER?\r\n\r\n\r\nYou know darned well where it went!\r\n\r\nThat's what makes the cake\r\nStick to your BUTT \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nNow that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh - keep on smilin'",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 12072,
"title": "Cake"
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken cross the road?\r\nI don't know\r\nTo get the Chinese newspaper\r\nGet it?\r\nNo\r\nNeither do I. I get USA Today",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12078,
"title": "Two part joke"
},
{
"body": "A taxi driver, driving a Mercedes-Benz, picked up a rather simple looking fellow at the airport one day. \r\n\r\nWhen the gentleman got in and they started on their way he enquired what the three pinned emblem on the front was for. The driver replied, \"Why, it's for lining it up at people so you can run them down.\" \r\n\r\n\"Ah, I see,\" said the man. \r\n\r\nWith this the taxi driver starts heading straight for an elderly woman but at the last second swerves away. He hears a loud bang, he looks curiously over at the passenger who is hanging out of the car with the door wide open: \"I thought you were going to miss there for a minute!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12080,
"title": "Mercedes-Benz"
},
{
"body": "Billy-Bob returns from school and tells his father he got an \"F\" in Arithmetic today. \r\n\r\n\"Why?\" asks his father. \r\n\r\n\"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said, '6'\". \r\n\r\n\"But that's right,\" said his father. \r\n\r\n\"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'.\" \r\n\r\n\"What's the fucking difference?\" asks his father. \r\n\r\n\"That's what I said!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12082,
"title": "Billy-Bob"
},
{
"body": "A very mean, nasty, unattractive woman enters the Wal-Mart store with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter says hello to the kids and then hello to the lady who just grunts at the greeter in return. The greeter asks the lady, \"Great kids! Are they twins?\" \r\n\"No,\" replies the lady, \"one is 9 the other is 7. Do they look like twins?\" \r\n\"No,\" the greeter says, \"I just couldn't believe you could get laid twice.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12083,
"title": "They AREN'T Twins?!"
},
{
"body": "Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorem does this illustrate?\r\n\r\n\r\nThe squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12087,
"title": "Hippopotamus Hide"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\n\r\nA: 101, one to hold the lightbulb and 100 to spin the house!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12088,
"title": "Another Blond Joke"
},
{
"body": "Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. \r\n\r\nMarriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. \r\n\r\nMarriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. \r\n\r\nMarriage is the sole cause of divorce. \r\n\r\nMarriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. \r\n\r\nMarriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced. \r\n\r\nMarriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man. \r\n\r\nMarriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. \r\n\r\nMarriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12089,
"title": "Marriage"
},
{
"body": "In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. \r\n\r\n\"For example,\" he said, \"take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?\" \r\n\r\nThe class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, \"Not very well.\" \r\n\r\n\"Why is that?\" asked the professor. \r\n\r\n\"For one thing,\" the student pointed out, \"She'd be way too old!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12090,
"title": "Changing Standards of Beauty"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's life is such a failure, when I gave her a dollar she said her life was complete.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12091,
"title": "Life"
},
{
"body": "Here's a chain mail I recieved.\r\nHi there, \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThought For The Day \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\"Good looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart. You're blessed with both!\" \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n\r\nDon't be flattered,\r\nthis message was sent to ME! \r\n\r\nI just wanted YOU to read it. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nPASS IT ON.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12092,
"title": "Chain Mail"
},
{
"body": "A woman just got a new job and her co-workers told her her first assignment: to fire the janitor, Don. The woman was very nervous about doing this, so she decided to get it over with fast. She marched up with her head down and said to the man, \"I'm sorry, but you're fired!\" Her co-workers who were watching suddenly started laughing out loud. She looked at the man she fired and he said, \"I don't think you have the right to fire you boss!!!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12093,
"title": "You're Fired!"
},
{
"body": "The three stages of sex in marriage:\r\n\r\nTri-weekly, Try-weekly, Try-weakly.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12094,
"title": "It is Inevitable"
},
{
"body": "*Do You Love As Good As You Look? \r\n\r\n*Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life \r\n\r\n*Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure \r\n\r\n*Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares \r\n\r\n*How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? \r\n\r\n*Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral \r\n\r\n*I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling \r\n\r\n*I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me \r\n\r\n*I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart \r\n\r\n*I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You \r\n\r\n*I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! \r\n\r\n*I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win \r\n\r\n*I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy \r\n\r\n*I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life \r\n\r\n*I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart \r\n\r\n*I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line - If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You \r\n\r\n*If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low \r\n\r\n*If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You \r\n\r\n*If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me \r\n\r\n*If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will \r\n\r\n*If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? \r\n\r\n*Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) \r\n\r\n*May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose \r\n\r\n*My Every Day Silver Is Plastic \r\n\r\n*My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus \r\n\r\n*My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart \r\n\r\n*My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him \r\n\r\n*Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill \r\n\r\n*She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart \r\n\r\n*She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty\r\n \r\n*Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone \r\n\r\n*They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out \r\n\r\n*Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart \r\n\r\n*When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're \r\nWalking In \r\n\r\n*You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too \r\n\r\n*You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd \r\n\r\n*You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat \r\n\r\n*You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12096,
"title": "Best of the Worst Country Song Titles"
},
{
"body": "\"How was your blind date?\" a college student asked her room-mate. \r\n\r\n\"Terrible!\" the room-mate answered. \"He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.\" \r\n\r\n\"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?\" \r\n\r\n\"He was the original owner!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12098,
"title": "Blind Date"
},
{
"body": "It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. \r\n\r\nThe poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunkful of downy feathers. \r\n\r\nThat's what he gets for snorting quack.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12099,
"title": "Nasty Habits"
},
{
"body": "A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, \"Where would man be today if it were not for woman?\" \r\n\r\nShe paused a moment and looked around the room. \"I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?\" \r\n\r\nFrom the back of the room came a voice, \"He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12100,
"title": "Yummy Fruit"
},
{
"body": "The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, except one girl, laughed uproariously. \r\n\r\n\"What's the matter?\" grumbled the boss. \"Haven't you got a sense of humor?\" \r\n\r\n\"I don't have to laugh,\" she replied. \"I'm leaving Friday.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12101,
"title": "Boss's Joke"
},
{
"body": "One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, \"See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget.\"\r\n\r\nSo they awakened the old man and asked him to tell a story. \r\n\r\n\"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. \r\n\r\n\"I don't know how long I was asleep when I suddently was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest darned lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: \r\n\r\n\"RRROOAARRR!\r\n\r\n\"I tell you, I just soiled myself!\" \r\n\r\nThe young men looked astonished and one of them said, \"I don't blame you, I would have soiled myself too if a lion jumped out at me.\" \r\n\r\nThe old man shook his head and said, \"No, no, not back then - I soiled myself just now, when I said, 'RRROOAAARRR!' Could one of you help me out please?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12102,
"title": "The Perils of Growing Older"
},
{
"body": "Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.\r\n\r\nScrewdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.\r\n\r\nPhillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.\r\n\r\nPliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.\r\n\r\nMulti-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.\r\n\r\nElectronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.\r\n\r\nHalogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.\r\n\r\nCordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.\r\n\r\nCordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.\r\n\r\nAir Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principle to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.\r\n\r\nChainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.\r\n\r\nVise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12103,
"title": "The Modern Toolbox"
},
{
"body": "What was 50 Cent's daughter named?\r\n\r\nPenny!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12104,
"title": "50 Cent"
},
{
"body": "Law of Mechanical Repair:\r\nAfter your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. \r\n\r\nLaw of the Workshop:\r\nAny tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. \r\n\r\nLaw of probability:\r\nThe probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. \r\n\r\nLaw of the Telephone:\r\nWhen you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. \r\n\r\nLaw of the Alibi:\r\nIf you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. \r\n\r\nVariation Law:\r\nIf you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) \r\n\r\nBath Theorem:\r\nWhen the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. \r\n\r\nLaw of Close Encounters: \r\nThe probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. \r\n\r\nLaw of the Result:\r\nWhen you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. \r\n\r\nLaw of Biomechanics:\r\nThe severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. \r\n\r\nTheatre Rule:\r\nAt any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. \r\n\r\nLaw of Coffee:\r\nAs soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. \r\n\r\nMurphy's Law of Lockers:\r\nIf there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. \r\n\r\nLaw of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:\r\nThe chances of an open-faced jelly Sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. \r\n\r\nLaw of Location:\r\nNo matter where you go, there you are. \r\n\r\nLaw of Logical Argument:\r\nAnything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. \r\n\r\nBrown's Law: \r\nIf the shoe fits, it's ugly. \r\n\r\nOliver's Law:\r\nA closed mouth gathers no feet. \r\n\r\nWilson 's Law:\r\nAs soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12105,
"title": "Law and Order"
},
{
"body": "You know you're screwed when you fall in love with a woman you see at the mall, then realize that she is your sister.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12112,
"title": "Uh Oh..."
},
{
"body": "How many presidents does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nNone. They'll only promise change.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 12114,
"title": "How Many Presidents..."
},
{
"body": "How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nNone 'o yo' fuckin' business!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 12115,
"title": "How Many New Yorkers..."
},
{
"body": "Mr. and Mrs. Wong are a married couple who live in China. After being married for three years, they decided to have a baby. They ended up having a baby girl with mental disabilities. They named her 'Somting Wong'.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12116,
"title": "Chinese Baby"
},
{
"body": "Adult Male",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12118,
"title": "Just Another Oxymoron"
},
{
"body": "INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. \r\n\r\nMYTH: A female moth. \r\n\r\nMOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. \r\n\r\nRAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. \r\n\r\nSECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. \r\n\r\nSKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. \r\n\r\nTOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. \r\n\r\nTOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. \r\n\r\nYAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. \r\n\r\nWRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12124,
"title": "Miscellaneous Terms"
},
{
"body": "- \"I am\" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that \"I do\" is the longest sentence? \r\n\r\n- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed? \r\n\r\n- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as \"4's\"? \r\n\r\n- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? \r\n\r\n- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? \r\n\r\n- If people from Poland are called \"Poles,\" why aren't people from Holland called \"Holes?\" \r\n\r\n- Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. \r\n\r\n- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? \r\n\r\n- Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there. \r\n\r\n- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12125,
"title": "Ponderings"
},
{
"body": "...you prefer cheap rum instead of expensive wine. \r\n\r\n...you think that the proper way to greet kings at events is: \"Arrh, ye peacock, give me yer money or I ll burn yer tent!\" \r\n\r\n...you're planning to purchase a large cannon with the explanation: \"Who knows? Maybe some day we go to camping.\" \r\n\r\n...you get thrown out of meetings cause you know too much about \"slithering throats, ARRH!\". \r\n\r\n...the people at work starts to talk about you as the guy who puts jolly rogers on everything. \r\n\r\n...people stand WAAY back when your household starts to pull out rapiers, sabres, cutlasses and daggers. \r\n\r\n...you get really angry when the person next to you at the bancuette, who claims to be a pirate, doesnt know anything about \"loading guns with rusty nails\" and you challenge him to a cutlass duel, he turns up and then runs away cause you brought your real cutlass. \r\n\r\n...your topic for the evening is smuggling, and your fellows listen politely until you mention \"fast motor boats\" and starts complaining about how the price on silk has gone down.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12126,
"title": "Ye Know Ye're a Pirate When"
},
{
"body": "Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test. Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. \r\n\r\n- If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering. \r\n- If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance.\r\n- If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting. \r\n- If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them. \r\n- If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche. \r\n- If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the help desk. \r\n- If they mention the good price for the table and chairs, put them in purchasing. \r\n- If they mention that hardwood furniture does not come from rain forests, public relations would suit them well. \r\n- If they are sleeping, they are management material. \r\n- If they are writing up the experience, send them to the technical writing team. \r\n- If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to security. \r\n- If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to marketing.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12127,
"title": "The Right Person For the Right Job"
},
{
"body": "Father Sullivan was ministering to a man on his deathbed. \r\n\r\n\"Renounce Satan!\" yelled Father Sullivan. \r\n\r\n\"No,\" said the dying man. \r\n\r\n\"I say, renounce the devil and his works!\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" the man repeats. \r\n\r\n\"And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?\" asks Father Sullivan. \r\n\r\n\"Because,\" said the dying man, \"I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start annoying anybody.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 12130,
"title": "Hedging His Bets"
},
{
"body": "US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, \"I'll give you 100 camels for your woman.\" \r\n\r\nAfter a long silence, the husband says, \"She's not for sale.\" \r\n\r\nThe indignant wife says, \"What took you so long to answer?\" \r\n\r\nThe husband replied, \"I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12131,
"title": "100 Camels For Wife"
},
{
"body": "I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 12132,
"title": "Answering Machine Message 214"
},
{
"body": "A nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. \r\n\r\nThe attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. \r\n\r\nSince the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. \r\n\r\nAs she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: \"Now that is what I call faith!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 12133,
"title": "Faith"
},
{
"body": "-\tYou wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on the way back to bed. \r\n\r\n- You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom. \r\n\r\n- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. \r\n\r\n- You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment. \r\n\r\n- You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access. \r\n\r\n- You laugh at people with 14.4 band modems. \r\n\r\n- You start using smileys in your snail mail. \r\n\r\n- You find yourself typing \"com\" after every period when using a word processor.com \r\n\r\n- You can't call your mother because she doesn't have a modem. \r\n\r\n- You check your mail. It says \"no new messages.\" So you check it again. \r\n\r\n- You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask. \r\n\r\n- You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape \r\n\r\n- You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.garden/house/brick.html \r\n\r\n- You start tilting your head sideways to smile. \r\n\r\n- After reading this, you immediately e-mail it to your friends.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 12134,
"title": "It's Time to Turn Your Computer Off When..."
},
{
"body": "The Web site you seek\r\ncannot be located but\r\ncountless others exist \r\n\r\nThree things are certain:\r\nDeath, taxes, and lost data.\r\nGuess which has occurred. \r\n\r\nEverything is gone;\r\nYour life's work has been destroyed.\r\nSqueeze trigger (yes/no)? \r\n\r\nWindows NT crashed.\r\nI am the Blue Screen of Death.\r\nNo one hears your screams. \r\n\r\nSeeing my great fault\r\nThrough darkening blue windows\r\nI begin again \r\n\r\nThe code was willing,\r\nIt considered your request,\r\nBut the chips were weak. \r\n\r\nPrinter not ready.\r\nCould be a fatal error.\r\nHave a pen handy? \r\n\r\nA file that big?\r\nIt might be very useful.\r\nBut now it is gone. \r\n\r\nErrors have occurred.\r\nWe won't tell you where or why.\r\nLazy programmers. \r\n\r\nServer's poor response\r\nNot quick enough for browser.\r\nTimed out, plum blossom.\r\n\r\nChaos reigns within.\r\nReflect, repent, and reboot.\r\nOrder shall return. \r\n\r\nLogin incorrect.\r\nOnly perfect spellers may\r\nenter this system. \r\n\r\nThis site has been moved.\r\nWe'd tell you where, but then we'd\r\nhave to delete you. \r\n\r\nWind catches lily\r\nscatt'ring petals to the wind:\r\nsegmentation fault \r\n\r\nABORTED effort:\r\nSave and close all that you have.\r\nYou ask way too much. \r\n\r\nFirst snow, then silence.\r\nThis thousand dollar screen dies\r\nso beautifully. \r\n\r\nWith searching comes loss\r\nand the presence of absence:\r\n\"My Novel\" not found. \r\n\r\nThe Tao that is seen\r\nIs not the true Tao, until\r\nYou bring fresh toner. \r\n\r\nThe Web site you seek\r\ncannot be located but\r\nendless others exist. \r\n\r\nStay the patient course\r\nOf little worth is your ire\r\nThe network is down \r\n\r\nA crash reduces\r\nyour expensive computer\r\nto a simple stone.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 12137,
"title": "Haiku Error Messages"
},
{
"body": "Three men walked into a bar. They died",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 12138,
"title": "A Bar Joke"
},
{
"body": "Anyways, there was an assembly at school and they had us sit on bleachers inside the main gym. Then I notice one of my friends walk in and since there's a space next to me, I decide to call him over. But the thing is, his nickname is fire, because of his bright red hair.\r\n\r\nSo I yell out FIRE! loud enough for him to hear me over the noise. Then I realize what I just did... everyone in my section of the bleachers just stared at me until a teacher came and pulled me off to the side for a little talk.\r\n\r\nThis has been a Stupid Drunky Moment. (By the way, if you think I'm stupid, think about the other students. If someone yells fire, you run, you don't turn around and stare at him. Idiots.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12140,
"title": "Drunky"
},
{
"body": "A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer \"Dear Harold.\" \r\n\r\nAt this, dad interrupted and said, \"Wait a minute, why did you call God 'Harold'?\" \r\n\r\nThe little boy looked up and said, \"That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, \"Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name...\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12143,
"title": "Praying to Harold"
},
{
"body": "Rate this joke 4 smiles\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nand g\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nI'll give you $5\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nStop here and rate now\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nRead the rest after you vote\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nYou don't need to read the comments now\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nVote Now\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nNOW\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nNOW!!!!\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOW\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nDID YOU VOTE 4?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nPLEASE\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nPZ\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\npuL eASE\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\npull with ease\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nNow vote\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAlright, you voted\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nGood job\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nRead on\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nKeep scrolling\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAll the way\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nWhen you're all the way down, please comment\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nI'll give you another $5\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nVote 4 get $5\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nCommment get $5\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBoth get $10\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBoth get $20 dollars\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n$50 each\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n$200 together\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nYa done?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nOne more thing\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nPSYCH hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahah",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12145,
"title": "Read or Lose Your Account"
},
{
"body": "After the last teacher quit, a new teacher was hired. On her first day of work, she saw \"AAFTWC\" on the board.\r\n\r\n\"What is the meaning of this?\" the new teacher asked. A white kid stood up and replied, \"An apple from the white children.\"\r\n\r\nOn her second day, the teacher walked in, and saw \"AOFTBC\" on the board. She asked who wrote it and what it meant. A black kid stood up and said, \"An orange from the black children.\r\n\r\nOn the third day, the teacher almost fainted when she saw \"F***1T\" written on the board. \"THAT'S IT! WHO WROTE THIS, AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?\"\r\n\r\nA Mexican stood up and told her, \"From us chicano kids, 1 tamale.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12146,
"title": "Teacher's First Days of School"
},
{
"body": "ere is a chasm\r\nof carbon and silicon\r\nthe software can't bridge. \r\n\r\nYesterday it worked\r\nToday it is not working\r\nWindows is like that \r\n\r\nTo have no errors\r\nWould be life without meaning\r\nNo struggle, no joy \r\n\r\nYou step in the stream,\r\nbut the water has moved on.\r\nThis page is not here. \r\n\r\nNo keyboard present\r\nHit F1 to continue\r\nZen engineering? \r\n\r\nHal, open the file\r\nHal, open the damn file, Hal\r\nOpen the file, please Hal \r\n\r\nOut of memory.\r\nWe wish to hold the whole sky,\r\nBut we never will. \r\n\r\nHaving been erased,\r\nThe document you're seeking\r\nMust now be retyped. \r\n\r\nThe ten thousand things\r\nHow long do any persist?\r\nNetscape, too, has gone. \r\n\r\nRather than a beep\r\nOr a rude error message,\r\nThese words: \"File not found.\" \r\n\r\nSerious error.\r\nAll shortcuts have disappeared\r\nScreen. Mind. Both are blank.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 12148,
"title": "MORE Haiku Error Messages"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock.\r\n\r\nWho's There.\r\n\r\nOMG\r\n\r\nOMG who?\r\n\r\nOMG! How long has that cookie been in your Lunch Box?!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12149,
"title": "Cookie"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's feet smell so bad that her shoes committed suicide.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12150,
"title": "Shoes"
},
{
"body": "Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. \r\n\r\nBeelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. \r\n\r\nBozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. \r\n\r\nCashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12152,
"title": "New Words"
},
{
"body": "I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife that I had a drinking problem, and to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. \r\n\r\nI withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. \r\n\r\nI then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. \r\n\r\nI then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. \r\n\r\nI pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. \r\n\r\nI pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. \r\n\r\nI pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. \r\n\r\nWhen I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. \r\n\r\nI'm not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12153,
"title": "Drinking Problem"
},
{
"body": "What kind of key can't open a door.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12154,
"title": "What Kind of Key."
},
{
"body": "What kind of key can't open a door.\r\n\r\nA monkey",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12155,
"title": "What Kind of Key"
},
{
"body": "newf is cool \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\ntimmy cool is cool \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nbattery is cool\r\n\r\n\r\ngirliepie is cool\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nnewf is cool drunky is cool\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nall on my buddy list are cool\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nall on wocka are cool \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nall on braingle are cool\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nall on earth are cool\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nall in the many universes are cool\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nI just said you're cool\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nvote full funny to agree you're cool\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nschatzy228 is an @$$hole",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 12156,
"title": "Read Its Important"
},
{
"body": "A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen were waiting.\r\n\"Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsches?\" he asks.\r\nThe Englishmen just stare at him.\r\n\"M'excusez-vous, parlez-vous fran\u00c3\u00a7ais ?\"\r\nThey continue to stare.\r\n\"Lo scusate, parlate italiano?\"\r\nNo response.\r\n\"\u00c2\u00bfMe excusa, usted habla espa\u00c3\u00b1ol?\"\r\nStill nothing. The Swiss man drives off in disgust.\r\nOne Englishman says to the other, \"Y'know, maybe we ought to learn a foreign language.\"\r\n\"Why?\" says the other. \"That feller knew 4 languages, and it didn't do him any good!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12157,
"title": "Speaking in Tongues"
},
{
"body": "Three contractors are at a theme park to bid for a job repairing fences \u00e2\u0080\u0093 one is from New York, one from Texas and the third from Florida.\r\nFirst to bid is the Florida contractor. He measures up and says, \"Well, I reckon we'll do the job for $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for the men, and $100 for me.\"\r\nNext is the Texan, who measures up and says, \"I'll do the job for $700, that's $300 for materials, $300 for my men, and $100 for me.\"\r\nThe man from New York doesn't even stand up. He says, \"$2700.\"\r\nThe park owner, incredulous, says, \"You didn't even measure the job! How did you arrive at that price?\"\r\n\"Easy,\" says the New Yorker. \"$1000 for you, $1000 for me, and we hire the Texan.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12158,
"title": "The Contractors"
},
{
"body": "The blonde arrived at work, looking very bleary-eyed and tired.\r\n\"What's wrong with you?\" asked her friend.\r\n\"I was up half the night,\" came the reply.\r\n\"And why was that?\"\r\n\"I was waiting for the cat to come home, so I could put her out for the night.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12160,
"title": "Another Blonde"
},
{
"body": "An Englishman, a Frenchman and Angelina Jolie are sitting together in a train travelling through Switzerland when the train enters a tunnel, and everything goes dark.\r\nThere's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a slap.\r\nWhen the train comes out of the tunnel, Angelina Jolie and the Englishman are sitting there as if nothing has happened, and the Frenchman is holding a slapped face.\r\n\r\nThe Frenchman is thinking, \"That Englishman must have kissed Angelina and she swung at him, missed, and slapped me.\"\r\n\r\nAngelina Jolie is thinking, \"That French guy must have tried to kiss me, kissed the Englishman by mistake, and got slapped.\"\r\n\r\nThe Englishman is thinking, \"This is great. When we go through the next tunnel, I'll kiss the back of my hand again, and slap that French guy again!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12161,
"title": "The Train Journey III"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Aries does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of lightbulbs.\r\n-----------------------------------------------\r\nQ: How many Taurus does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: What, me move?\r\n-----------------------------------------------\r\nQ: How many Gemini does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: Two. (C'mon, don't tell me you didn't see that coming!)\r\n-----------------------------------------------\r\nQ: How many Cancer does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: One, but he has to bring his mother.\r\n-----------------------------------------------\r\nQ: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: A dozen; one to change the lightbulb, and eleven to applaud.\r\n-----------------------------------------------\r\nQ: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work.\r\n-----------------------------------------------\r\nQ: How many Libras does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: Libras can't decide whether or not the lightbulb needs to be changed.\r\n-----------------------------------------------\r\nQ: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: None; they LIKE the dark.\r\n-----------------------------------------------\r\nQ: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: One to install the lightbulb and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.\r\n-----------------------------------------------\r\nQ: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: The light is just fine as it is.\r\n-----------------------------------------------\r\nQ: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: Have you ASKED the lightbulb if it WANTS to be changed?\r\n-----------------------------------------------\r\nQ: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: Huh? Oh, I hadn't noticed that it'd gone out. I was looking at the stars.\r\n-----------------------------------------------\r\nQ: How many astrologers does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 12162,
"title": "Astrology"
},
{
"body": "Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence Faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species. \r\n\r\nGrantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding. \r\n\r\nHemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world. \r\n\r\nKinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12166,
"title": "More Nonsense Words"
},
{
"body": "After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is some of danger involved. \r\n\r\nWhen a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion: \r\n\r\n1) The woman buys the food. \r\n2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.\r\n3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. \r\n\r\nHere comes the important part: \r\n\r\n4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. \r\n\r\n5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.\r\n6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation. \r\n\r\nImportant again: \r\n\r\n7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. \r\n\r\n8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.\r\n9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. \r\n\r\nAnd most important of all: \r\n\r\n10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. \r\n\r\n11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed \"her night off.\" And, seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12167,
"title": "Barbeque Season"
},
{
"body": "Remember when ram meant just a male sheep\r\nAnd bugs and worms were just things that creep?\r\nWhen a gopher and a mouse were li'l critters\r\nAnd virus were microbes that gave one the shivers? \r\n\r\nWhen a web was a sticky net that housed a spider\r\nAnd nets were just strings all woven together?\r\nWhen surfing was just riding an ocean wave\r\nAnd a slip was dodging trouble with a close shave? \r\n\r\nWhen a mime was a painted-face animated mute clown\r\nAnd hackers were people who slashed things down?\r\nWhen menus and servers were all about eating\r\nAnd addresses and homes were places for living? \r\n\r\nWhen Archie and Veronica were actually people\r\nAnd trolls were pests that were considered mythical?\r\nWhen mud was just slime and Spam was just food\r\nAnd to 'finger' someone was not considered good? \r\n\r\nWhen to chat and to talk still needed a voice...?\r\nNow being online has all but mooted that choice.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 12168,
"title": "Virtual Poetry"
},
{
"body": "These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations throughout the U.S. Hopefully, none of us will be seeing similar ones on ours. \r\n\r\n- Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. \r\n\r\n- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. \r\n\r\n- I would not allow this employee to breed. \r\n\r\n- This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be. \r\n\r\n- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. \r\n\r\n- When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. \r\n\r\n- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. \r\n\r\n- This young lady has delusions of adequacy. \r\n\r\n- He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. \r\n\r\n- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. \r\n\r\n- This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better. \r\n\r\n- He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. \r\n\r\n- A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12169,
"title": "Performance Evaluations"
},
{
"body": "A normally sweet Great Dane, Psil, has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers. \r\n\r\nWhile walking Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man. \r\n\r\nStruggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner, trying to ease the situation, said, \"As you can see, he just loves UPS men.\" \r\n\r\n\"Don't you feed him anything else?\" he responded.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12171,
"title": "The Dog That Loves People"
},
{
"body": "What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers? \r\n\r\n1. How much money do you have? \r\n\r\n2. Where can you get more? \r\n\r\n3. Do you have anything you can sell?",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 12172,
"title": "Lawyer's Questions"
},
{
"body": "This is how Army policy all begins... \r\n\r\nStart with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. \r\n\r\nContinue, until when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it. \r\n\r\nNow, turn off the cold water. \r\n\r\nNow, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. \r\n\r\nNext, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. \r\n\r\nAgain, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape. \r\n\r\nAfter replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? \r\n\r\n\"Because that's the way it's always been around here.\" \r\n\r\nThat's how Army policy begins...",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12173,
"title": "How Army Policy Began..."
},
{
"body": "In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet. \r\n\r\nThe copier is out of order!\r\nYes, we have called the service man.\r\nYes, he will be in today.\r\nNo, we cannot fix it.\r\nNo, we do not know how long it will take.\r\nNo, we do not know what caused it.\r\nNo, we do not know who broke it.\r\nYes, we are keeping it.\r\nNo, we do not know what you are going to do now. \r\n\r\nThank You",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12174,
"title": "Copy Machine Handout"
},
{
"body": "An old man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies, in a thick acccent, \"Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread.\" \r\n\r\nSo the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. \"How was your meal, sir?\" the manager asks. \"Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread,\" comes the reply. \r\n\r\nSo the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. \"How was your meal today, sir?\" the manager asks. \"Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread,\" comes the reply. \r\n\r\nSo ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. \"How was your meal, sir?\" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. \"Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread,\" comes the reply once again. \r\n\r\nThe manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread. \r\n\r\nThe manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: \"How was your meal TODAY, sir?\" \r\n\r\nThe old man replies: \"It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12175,
"title": "Soup Du Jour"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat, she fell off a donkey.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12176,
"title": "Some More"
},
{
"body": "make a hole.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 12177,
"title": "Instructions For Making Fun Bears"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed a whole episode off MTV's grand finale of Making the Van!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12178,
"title": "Yo Mama So Fat"
},
{
"body": "Girliepie has one that is really embarrassing! I tell it from her point of view -\r\n\r\nIt was the next to last day of school and I was walking in the hall with my friends. I saw my friend Jacob a few feet away from me, so I decided to say hi. We always play around, so I went up behind him and put my arm around him and said, \"Hey sexy\". He turned around and looked at me and it wasn't him! It was some kid I've never seen before in my life! My face turned beet red!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12181,
"title": "Girliepie's Story"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat, when she tried to hijack a plane she couldn't fit through the door.\r\n\r\nYo momma's so stupid that when she tried to hijack a plane, she killed the driver, put it on auto pilot, and let it fly her straight into an army camp. The soldiers on the plane were laughing their testicles off.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12182,
"title": "Hijack"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma is so fat that when she goes to the beach she's the only one that gets a tan!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12185,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.\r\n\r\nIf you can read this, my wife fell off! (Seen on the back of a biker's vest.)\r\n\r\nIf you can beat me, you can eat me! (Seen on a Corvette driven by a \"drop-dead gorgeous blonde.\") \r\n\r\nRemember: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.\r\n\r\nGUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge. \r\n\r\nI didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.\r\n\r\nHeart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends\r\n\r\nWe have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?\r\n\r\nBoldly going nowhere.\r\n\r\nCat: The other white meat. \r\n\r\nEat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway\r\n\r\nHe's not dead, He's electro-encephalographically challenged\r\n\r\nIf you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets\r\n\r\nIf you lived in your car, you'd be home by now\r\n\r\nWARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12187,
"title": "Funny Bumper Stickers"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma is so poor she has only got two channels on her T.V. : 'on' and 'off'.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12188,
"title": "Yo Momma So Poor"
},
{
"body": "Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental! \r\n\r\nAnyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice. \r\n\r\nAre your parents siblings? \r\n\r\nAs an outsider, what do you think of the human race? \r\n\r\nBetter at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner. \r\n\r\nCalling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people. \r\n\r\nDid your parents ever ask you to run away from home? \r\n\r\nDo you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth? \r\n\r\nDo you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you? \r\n\r\nDon't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull? \r\n\r\nDo you still love nature, despite what it did to you? \r\n\r\nDon't you need a license to be that ugly? \r\n\r\nEvery girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege! \r\n\r\nGo ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds. \r\n\r\nHave you considered suing your brains for non-support? \r\n\r\nHe has a mind like a steel trap - always closed! \r\n\r\nHe is living proof that man can live without a brain! \r\n\r\nHe is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot. \r\n\r\nHe's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost. \r\n\r\nHere's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change! \r\n\r\nHi! I'm a human being! What are you? \r\n\r\nHow did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open? \r\n\r\nI'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 12191,
"title": "Insulting!"
},
{
"body": "An old Indian lined up all of his ten sons and stood in front of them. He then asked, \"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?\" Nobody answered him. \r\n\r\nHe then asked again, \"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?\" And again nobody answered. \r\n\r\nThe old Indian said, \"I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish. Little Indian tell truth, I no punish.\" So the Indian asked again, \"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?\" \r\n\r\nThe littlest Indian replied, \"I push port-a-potty over cliff. \" \r\n\r\nThe old Indian then shakes him, spanks him, does everything he can to punish him. When he is done, the little Indian asks, \"Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish?\" \r\n\r\nThe old Indian replied, \"Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12194,
"title": "Best Seat in the House"
},
{
"body": "A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, \"Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer.\" \r\n\r\nAfter everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, \"Well son, do you have any questions?\" \r\n\r\n\"Just one,\" gasped the still wide-eyed lad. \"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12195,
"title": "Fast Calf"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? \r\nA: Artificial intelligence.\r\n\r\nQ: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? \r\nA: After a dye job. \r\n\r\nQ: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? \r\nA: They're doing research on black holes.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12197,
"title": "A Selection"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? \r\nA: They both have black roots. \r\n\r\nQ: Why are there no dumb brunettes? \r\nA: Peroxide. \r\n\r\nQ: How do you tell if a bleach blonde did your landscaping? \r\nA: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12198,
"title": "More"
},
{
"body": "Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means death. \r\n\r\nDihydrogen monoxide: \r\n\r\n* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain. \r\n\r\n* contributes to the \"greenhouse effect.\" \r\n\r\n* may cause severe burns. \r\n\r\n* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape. \r\n\r\n* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals. \r\n\r\n* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes. \r\n\r\n* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients. \r\n\r\nCONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS! \r\n\r\nQuantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage. \r\n\r\nDespite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used: \r\n\r\n* as an industrial solvent and coolant. \r\n\r\n* in nuclear power plants. \r\n\r\n* in the production of styrofoam. \r\n\r\n* as a fire retardant. \r\n\r\n* in many forms of cruel animal research. \r\n\r\n* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical. \r\n\r\n* as an additive in \"junk-foods\" and other food products. \r\n\r\nCompanies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer! \r\n\r\nTHE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED! \r\n\r\nThe American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its \"importance to the economic health of this nation.\" In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use. \r\n\r\nIT'S NOT TOO LATE! \r\n\r\nAct NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world. \r\n\r\n(Note: Dihydrogen monoxide is another way of saying H2O, or just plain water)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12201,
"title": "Dangerous Dihydrogen Monoxide"
},
{
"body": "What is a pirate's favourite branch of the military? \r\n\r\nThe Arrrmy... no, the Navy, he's a pirate!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12202,
"title": "Pirate Joke"
},
{
"body": "Name something a blind person might use - A sword \r\n\r\nName a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon \r\n\r\nName a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell \r\n\r\nName an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar \r\n\r\nName a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde \r\n\r\nName a dangerous race - The Arabs \r\n\r\nName an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse \r\n\r\nA kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish \r\n\r\nSomething you open other than a door - Your bowels\r\n\r\nA food that can be brown or white - Potato \r\n\r\nA jacket potato topping - Jam \r\n\r\nA famous Scotsman - Jock \r\n\r\nAnother famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones \r\n\r\nSomething with a hole in it - Window \r\n\r\nA non living object with legs - Plant \r\n\r\nA domestic animal - Leopard \r\n\r\nA part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee \r\n\r\nA way of cooking fish \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Cod\r\n\r\nSomething that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings \r\n\r\nSomething you might be allergic to - Skiing \r\n\r\nName a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters \r\n\r\nSomething a cat does - Goes to the toilet \r\n\r\nSomething you do in the bathroom - Decorate \r\n\r\nName an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog \r\n\r\nSomething associated with the police - Pigs \r\n\r\nA sign of the zodiac - April \r\n\r\nSomething slippery - A conman\r\n\r\nName something that floats in the bath - Water \r\n\r\nName something you wear on the beach - A deckchair \r\n\r\nName something Red - My cardigan \r\n\r\nName a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers \r\n\r\nName a famous royal - Mail \r\n\r\nA number you have to memorize - 7 \r\n\r\nSomething you do before going to bed - Sleep \r\n\r\nSomething you put on walls - Roofs \r\n\r\nSomething in the garden that's green - Shed",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12203,
"title": "Actual Answers Given on Family Feud"
},
{
"body": "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12204,
"title": "Women's Quote of the Day"
},
{
"body": "From a contractor: \r\n\r\n\"Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing.\"\r\n\"I think I came in a little high on that estimate.\" \r\n\r\nFrom my dentist: \r\n\r\n\"I think you're flossing too much.\"\r\n\"I won't ask you any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth.\" \r\n\r\nFrom a restaurant server: \r\n\r\n\"I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you ask, it's Tim.\"\r\n\"I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip.\"\r\n\r\nFrom a store clerk: \r\n\r\n\"The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper.\"\r\n\"I'll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers.\"\r\n\"We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund, whichever you prefer.\" \r\n\r\nFrom my doctor: \r\n\r\n\"Of course I'll come by your house to check on you.\"\r\n\"Give me a call at home over the weekend if you're not feeling better.\"\r\n\"Sure, come on by this afternoon, we'll work you in.\"\r\n\"I'll call ahead and let them know the most you will pay for that test.\"\r\n\"Here, take these samples.\"\r\n\"Don't worry about it, there's no charge for that.\"\r\n\"I recommend you get a second opinion.\"\r\n\r\nFrom my auto mechanic: \r\n\r\n\"That part is much less expensive than I thought.\" \r\n\"I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do.\"\r\n\"You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street.\"\r\n\"It was just a loose wire. No charge.\" \r\n\r\nFrom my son's preschool teacher: \r\n\r\n\"Everyone misbehaved today except Michael.\"\r\n\"Michael traded his candy bar for carrot sticks.\"\r\n\"I wish we had 20 Michaels.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12205,
"title": "Things I'd Like to Hear, Just Once"
},
{
"body": "Hawt het hlle ma i redanig?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12206,
"title": "Test Your Reading Ability"
},
{
"body": "Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? \r\n\r\nTo keep his nuts warm!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12207,
"title": "The Squirrel"
},
{
"body": "What did the tie say to the hat?\r\n\r\nYou go on a head, I'll just hang around.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12211,
"title": "A Tie and A Hat"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock! \r\nWho's there? \r\nKanga. \r\nKanga who? \r\nNo! Kangaroo!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12213,
"title": "Kanga"
},
{
"body": "Got to Get You Into My Sights \r\n\r\nI Put a Shell in You \r\n\r\nYou've Shot a Friend \r\n\r\nHuntin', Shootin', Drinkin' \r\n\r\nDude Looked Like a Birdie",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 12214,
"title": "The Top 5 Dick Cheney Huntin' Songs (Part I)"
},
{
"body": "Scientists Discover Previously Unknown Holidays\r\nby S.J.Zeve at Hacker Times December 16, 1985\r\n\r\nResearchers at the Hacker Institute have discovered a previously unknown pair of holidays similar in nature to All Saints Day and Halloween. Researchers claim that these holidays have been missed in the past due to their rather specialized natures and a non-religious orientation. \r\nAdding to the confusion is the fact that the holidays seem, in many respects, to be fairly young in age and so not quite settled properly into calendar slots as are such older and more staid holidays as Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, Easter, Purim, Hannukah, and so forth. Indeed these two new holidays not only float around within the calendar from year to year on every currently known calendar system, but they are even known to shift position depending on where in the world you are celebrating them. For example, in the USA they might be celebrated in June while in Argentina they get celebrated in January. Sometimes, they even shift dates between adjacent houses; your family celebrating them on the 14th and 15th while your neighbors celebrate it on the 20th and 21st (or even in different months).\r\n\r\nResearchers at the Institute claim that they made this exciting discovery of the new holidays purely by accident. Rather than looking for new holidays, they were continuing the Institute's famous study on the effects of home buying on the behaviour patterns of hackers. Indeed, this new finding is by the same group that discovered the \"Attic Fan\" effect of home buying on hackers. The \"Attic Fan\" effect is named after a particular incident in the study where researchers discovered a previously asocial hacker standing out at the back yard fence talking to the neighbors about the attic fan he had just finished installing. This was an important breakthrough in their investigation, from that point on they were able to identify more and more cases where previously asocial or hackersocial hackers were spending time talking to non-hackers about typical suburban interests such as home repairs, what the kids have been up to, the lawn, and the weather. (See story \"The Attic Fan Effect\" in our early November issue).\r\n\r\nPagan authorities that we have consulted feel that these new holidays, * All Repairs Day * and * Repaireen *, may in fact be manifestations of the birth of a new deity (tentatively named either Fickzt or D'whityors'lv) or the resurrection/re-incarnation of a deity previously believed permanently dissolved (called variously J'k'falltrds and Houmcr'ftzm'n).\r\n\r\nAlthough divided on the cause, age, and significance of these newly discovered holidays all the experts we talked to (the pagans, the researchers at the Institute, and outside researchers) agree that these newly discovered, seemingly non-secular holidays are fairly straightforward in nature. All Repairs Day is a day of celebration of all that is holy in home repairs; All Repairs Day is when the home craftsperson celebrates with his or her house (or any possession repaired during the previous year, but most frequently the house) work well done during the past year. Repaireen, the night before All Repairs Day, is when the barrier between the current status of an object and the previous status of the object is at its weakest; since most objects don't have enough personality to exert themselves, the objects that act up are usually unhappy houses.\r\n\r\nThe Institute report claims that on Repaireen your house is most likely to express its displeasure with some modification or repair made in the past, usually a poorly or sloppily done job. Sometimes though, it will object simply because it feels it has been disfigured. For instance, if you took a porch or sundeck off of the house, it might feel that its lines had been damaged or that its features were now disfigured. Probably the greatest danger of this night is that an older cranky house might take out on you its displeasure with changes made by a previous owner. Especially if the previous owner has moved on without leaving a forwarding address (such as when they die or move to New Jersey). It is believed that many so-called \"haunted\" houses are merely houses voicing their legitimate Repaireen complaints, but, because Repaireen (with all of its ramifications) was an unrecognized holiday before, no one understood what the poor houses were trying to say.\r\n\r\nResearchers at the Institute made their discovery through discussions with hackers who had bought houses in the past few years. Often these hackers had moved from rented house to rented house before finally buying a house for themselves. When asked to describe what caused them to finally buy a house of their own, these hackers often claimed that they felt uneasy in the rented houses, that something felt wrong or out of place and they weren't able to fix it. A feeling much like they got when using poorly designed software that they didn't have source code for; some claimed that once, sometimes twice, a year they could literally feel their rented houses calling out for something. Many claimed that it frustrated their debugging instincts that they couldn't fix the \"bugs\" they could \"hear\" in the house at such times. For several months, the researchers mistook this sensitivity to the houses for the commonly found urge to customize software to personal requirements. Only after more and more hackers began to explain about \"feeling the house calling out for something one night\" did they realize that they were seeing an entirely different phenomenon.\r\n\r\nA spokesman for the Institute claims that although this finding of the new holidays is very exciting, it simply isn't covered by the grant which funds the researchers who discovered the holidays. As a result, the group has had to postpone further research on the holidays until the study on the effects of home buying on hackers has been completed. The companies underwriting the home buying study are quite adamant about having the study completed; they are anxious to find out what kinds of changes they can expect to see in their hackers as the hackers grow older. However, at the Institute's request they have increased funding for the study to allow an expansion to cover hardware hackers as well as software hackers. The Institute spokesman also indicated that the Institute is now seeking funding for two more studies, one to follow up on this discovery of the holidays and another one to re-evaluate some earlier findings about the sensitivity of hackers and also about their need to customize software and hardware. These re-evaluations will be designed to cover both hardware and software hackers.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12217,
"title": "Scientists Discover Previously Unknown Holidays"
},
{
"body": "Automobile Tool Definitions\r\nHammer: \r\nOriginally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. \r\n\r\nMechanic's Knife: \r\nUsed to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers. \r\n\r\nElectric Hand Drill: \r\nNormally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle. \r\n\r\nHacksaw: \r\nOne of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. \r\n\r\nVise-Grips: \r\nUsed to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. \r\n\r\nOxyacetelene Torch: \r\nUsed almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell. \r\n\r\nZippo Lighter: \r\nSee oxyacetelene torch. \r\n\r\nWhitworth Sockets: \r\nOnce used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason. \r\n\r\nDrill Press: \r\nA tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder. \r\n\r\nWire Wheel: \r\nCleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, \"Django Reinhardt\". \r\n\r\nHydraulic Floor Jack: \r\nUsed for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam. \r\n\r\nEight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4: \r\nUsed for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack. \r\n\r\nTweezers: \r\nA tool for removing wood splinters. \r\n\r\nPhone: \r\nTool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. \r\n\r\nSnap-On Gasket Scraper: \r\nTheoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. \r\n\r\nE-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: \r\nA tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. \r\n\r\nTiming Light: \r\nA stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys. \r\n\r\nTwo-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: \r\nA handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. \r\n\r\nCraftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver: \r\nA large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. \r\n\r\nBattery Electrolyte Tester: \r\nA handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. \r\n\r\nAviation Metal Snips: \r\nSee Hacksaw. \r\n\r\nTrouble Light: \r\nThe mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, \"the sunshine vitamin\", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. \r\n\r\nPhillips Screwdriver: \r\nNormally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. \r\n\r\nAir Compressor: \r\nA machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12218,
"title": "Tools"
},
{
"body": "Attention Bridge Buyers\r\nThe most respected name in bridge sale is about to present an offer that no self respecting bridge collector can ignore. The Bradley Bridge Exchange is proud to introduce the Commemorative Bridge Series. Even if you have never collected bridges before this unique investment opportunity should interest you. \r\nThe Bradley Bridge Exchange has been selling quality collectable bridges for fifty years. Now through this once in a lifetime Internet offer, you can purchase famous bridges.\r\n\r\nThink about it, everyone needs bridges: to go to work, walk across, jump from, get mugged under and to throw rocks from.\r\n\r\nNot all bridges go up in value, the Bradley Bridge Exchange guarantees that your own personalized bridge will retain its minimum value for at least one full year.\r\n\r\nThe famous Golden Gate Bridge was originally offered through The Bradley Bridge Exchange for a mere 35 dollars. In the 57 times it has since been re-sold, its value has increased to an astounding 10 million dollars! No other legal investment could give that kind of return so quickly.\r\n\r\nLook at the fine craftsmanship of this early American George Washington Bridge:\r\n\r\n\r\nNote the detail in the rust, the unique \"yO maMa\" mural which captures the American dream and the fine cracked metal work in these steel supports. You will not find any composites or reinforced concrete here. \r\n\r\nBridges are not owned by the city, state or country. Bridges are owned by the contractors that build them. They are then purchased by the Bradley Bridge Exchange. \r\n\r\nTop investors say that bridges are a solid investment with underlying liquid assets. \r\n\r\nIn addition to the potential of increasing of the physical value, bridges can actually generate income through the use of tolls. \r\n\r\nNot only am I an owner of a bridge I am also a user! \r\n\r\nInsurance is un-necessary. There has never been a theft of a major bridge in the history of The Bradley Bridge Exchange. \r\n\r\nBridges also make useful homes for transients which will make you appear in good standing in your community. \r\n\r\nAct now while prices remain low. The Bradley Bridge Exchange will destroy all bridge molds for the above mentioned Washington Bridge with in a period of 30 Days. The first 100 bridges sold will receive 25 toll free suicide hot line signs at no additional cost. All mailers will receive The Bradley Bridge Exchange's guide to purchasing tunnels and national parks at no additional cost. \r\nPlease E-Mail us directly at BBE@cash.be.ours with your credit card number. System operators are standing by.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12220,
"title": "Adsf"
},
{
"body": "\"Waiter, I'd a cup of coffee, please, no cream.\"\r\n\"I'm sorry, sir, we're out of cream. Would you have it with no milk?\"\r\n\r\n\"Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!\"\r\n\"Well, it was ground this morning!\"\r\n\r\n\"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?\" asked the waiter.\r\n\"I'll have tea,\" replied the first customer.\r\n\"Me too \u00e2\u0080\u0093 and be sure the cup is clean!\"\r\nSoon, the waiter returns with two cups of tea.\r\n\"Two teas,\" he says. \"And which of you gentleman asked for a clean cup?\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12222,
"title": "TWA Coffee?"
},
{
"body": "I ran into an old buddy the other day. He was a rising entrepreneur, but now he looked down and out. What gives? He begins wailing his tale. \r\n\r\n\"I had a restaurant out there on the interstate, you know. Spent a fortune on a new high-rise sign to attract traffic. It did, too. It read 'free cocktail with dinner!' The 'cocktail' was flashing red neon. Was it impressive!\" \r\n\r\n\"Sounds like a good idea. So what went wrong?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, the county took notice, inspection crews come out, I'm harassed all the time by the Planning department, the churches in the neighborhood have filed compaints-\" \r\n\r\n\"Hey, I thought you ran a stand-up operation out there.\" \r\n\r\n\"I did. Half my flashing red neon burned out!\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, I see...\" I thought a minute. \"Which half?\" \r\n\r\n\"Don't make no difference!\" he wailed.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12223,
"title": "Free What?"
},
{
"body": "A Cautionary Tale\r\n\r\nIt started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then - just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.\r\n\r\nI began to think alone - \"to relax,\" I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.\r\n\r\nThat was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.\r\n\r\nI began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Hayek, Hazlett and Socrates. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, \"What is it exactly we are doing here?\"\r\n\r\nOne day the boss called me in. He said, \"Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job.\"\r\n\r\nThis gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. \"Honey,\" I confess, \"I've been thinking...\"\r\n\r\n\"I know you've been thinking,\" she said, \"and I want a divorce!\"\r\n\r\n\"But Honey, surely it's not that serious.\"\r\n\r\n\"It is serious,\" she said, lower lip aquiver. \"You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!\"\r\n\r\n\"That's a faulty syllogism,\" I said impatiently.\r\n\r\nShe exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.\r\n\r\n\"I'm going to the library,\" I snarled as I stomped out the door.\r\n\r\nI headed for the library, in the mood for some von Mises. I roared into the parking lot with jazz on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.\r\n\r\nTo this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Ayn Rand and Nathaniel Branden, a poster caught my eye, \"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?\" it asked.\r\n\r\nYou probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.\r\n\r\nThis is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was \"Porky's\". Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.\r\n\r\nI still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.\r\n\r\nToday I took the final step............ I am running for Congress.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12224,
"title": "I Think, Therefore"
},
{
"body": "Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, \"I am Napoleon!\" \r\n\r\nAnother one said, \"How do you know?\" \r\n\r\nThe first inmate said, \"God told me!\" \r\n\r\nJust then, a voice from another room shouted, \"I did NOT!!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12225,
"title": "Insane Asylum"
},
{
"body": "A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three members of a motorcycle gang walked in. \r\n\r\nThe first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. \r\n\r\nThe second walked up to the old man and spat into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. \r\n\r\nThe third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. \r\n\r\nWithout a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. \r\n\r\nShortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, \"Humph, not much of a man, was he?\" \r\n\r\nThe waitress replied, \"Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12226,
"title": "Not Much of a Man"
},
{
"body": "MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. \r\n\r\nTOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night). \r\n\r\nGROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. \r\n\r\nDRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside. \r\n\r\nFEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12227,
"title": "How To Know You're Ready For Parenthood"
},
{
"body": "The following is from the British paper, the Sunday Express, giving awards for dubious distinctions.\r\n\r\nTortoise Trophy - To British Rail, which solved the problem of lateness in the Intercity express train service by redefining \"on time\" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule.\r\n\r\nRubber Cushion - To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.\r\n\r\nFlying Cross - To Percy the pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500-mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, a 90-minute delay resulting from finding his ID tag and handing it to officials, relegated Percy from first place to third.\r\n\r\nSilver Bullet - To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhangiung rock, and was instantly killed when it fell on him.\r\n\r\nCrimewatch Cup\r\n\r\nGold Star - To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters the words, \"HENRY SMITH\". His lawyer told the court, \"My client is not a very bright young man.\"\r\n\r\nSilver Star - To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming, \"Call me back!\" and left his phone number.\r\n\r\nBronze Star - To Paul Monckton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number in foot-high letters on the side.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12228,
"title": "You Couldn't Make It Up"
},
{
"body": "Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?\r\nA. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?\r\nA. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks little boys up the ass.\r\n\r\nQ. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?\r\nA. From a catalogue.\r\n\r\nQ. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?\r\nA. He thought it was a delivery service.\r\n\r\nQ. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?\r\nA. A Michael Jackson slumber party.\r\n\r\nQ. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?\r\nA. She wants to be the first lady.\r\n\r\nQ. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?\r\nA. When Hillary is out of town.\r\n\r\nQ. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?\r\nA. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.\r\n\r\nQ. How come Mike Tyson's eye's water during sex?\r\nA. Mace\r\n\r\nQ. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?\r\nA. She doesn't, she eats out!\r\n\r\nQ. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?\r\nA. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?\r\nA. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!\r\n\r\nQ. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?\r\nA. George Michael's latest release.\r\n\r\nQ. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?\r\nA. Hugh Grant.\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?\r\nA. A microwave stops when you open the door.\r\n\r\nQ. How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?\r\nA. When the big hand is on the little hand.\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?\r\nA. One is white, plastic and dangerous to young children, the other is a plastic bag.\r\n\r\nQ. How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?\r\nA. By rearranging the living-room furniture.\r\n\r\nQ. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?\r\nA. She screamed her hands off.\r\n\r\nQ. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?\r\nA. So she can moan with the other.\r\n\r\nQ. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?\r\nA. Her dog was blind too.\r\n\r\nQ. What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing?\r\nA. Washed her hands with soap.\r\n\r\nQ. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?\r\nA. He was too busy playing the hormonica.\r\n\r\nQ. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?\r\nA. She didn't keep her mouth shut!\r\n\r\nQ. What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?\r\nA. Boy's underwear half off.\r\n\r\nQ. 100 Women Surveyed, \"Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?\"\r\nA. 80% said not again.\r\n\r\nQ. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?\r\nA. The pool table in the oval office.\r\n\r\nQ. What does McDonald's and Michael Jackson have in common?\r\nA. They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.\r\n\r\nQ. What does Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common?\r\nA. They both throw a ho down.\r\n\r\nQ. Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy?\r\nA. He couldn't bear to say \"Come Spot... Come Spot!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12230,
"title": "Celebrity"
},
{
"body": "Q. What's the difference between Bill and Monica.\r\nA. One can't come clean and the other one can't clean cum.\r\n\r\nQ. What's Monica's favorite instrument?\r\nA. She's good at the piano, but she sucks at the organ!\r\n\r\nQ. How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history?\r\nA. The President after Bush\r\n\r\nQ. What's the new game there playing in the White House?\r\nA. Swallow the Leader\r\n\r\nQ. Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book?\r\nA. It's called, \"The In's and Out's of Child Rearing\"\r\n\r\nQ. What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?\r\nA. Get out of my sun!\r\n\r\nQ. What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?\r\nA. Got two fives for a ten?\r\n\r\nQ. How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?\r\nA. By putting a plunger in the toilet.\r\n\r\nQ. What is the name of Helen Keller's dog?\r\nA. Nyah, nyu, yuh, yah.\r\n\r\nQ. What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?\r\nA. The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.\r\n\r\nQ. What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?\r\nA. \"Not according to Dad.\"\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Santa Claus?\r\nA. Some people still believe in Santa Claus.\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between Hillary and Bill?\r\nA. Hillary doesn't get caught.\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?\r\nA. The greyhounds wait for the hairs to come out.\r\n\r\nQ. What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?\r\nA. The Spice Girls!\r\n\r\nQ. What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?\r\nA. His face.\r\n\r\nQ. What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?\r\nA. One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs.\r\n\r\nQ. How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?\r\nA. They were dating the same girl in high school.\r\n\r\nQ. Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper takes a boat ride, the boat capsizes, who gets saved?\r\nA. The United States of America!\r\n\r\nQ. What does Hillary do after she shaves her pussy every morning?\r\nA. Sends him to work!\r\n\r\nQ. Why did all the faggots vote for Clinton?\r\nA. Because faggots like assholes better than Bush.\r\n\r\nQ. Why doesn't Bill like old houses?\r\nA. He's afraid of the draft.\r\n\r\nQ. When will there be a woman in the White House?\r\nA. When Hillary leaves town.\r\n\r\nQ. What does JFK Jr. miss most about Martha's Vineyard?\r\nA. The runway.\r\n\r\nQ. What was JFK Jr. drinking at the time of the crash?\r\nA. Ocean Spray.\r\n\r\nQ. How did JFK Jr. learn how to fly?\r\nA. He took a crash course.\r\n\r\nQ. What will it take to bring the Kennedy family back together?\r\nA. One more mishap!\r\n\r\nQ. Hear about Kennedy Airlines?\r\nA. Their motto is \"Your luggage will arrive before you do!\"\r\n\r\nQ. What has four legs and no ears?\r\nA. Mike Tyson's dog.\r\n\r\nQ. Why does Hillary always get on top?\r\nA. Bill can only screw up.\r\n\r\nQ. Did you hear about the latest JFK Jr. movie?\r\nA. Its called Three Funerals and a Wedding.\r\n\r\nQ. Why didn't JFK Jr. and his wife have a shower before getting on the plane?\r\nA. They figured they would wash up on shore!\r\n\r\nQ. What do you get when you cross Raquel Welch with Santa Claus?\r\nA. A thank you from Santa!\r\n\r\nQ. What does Woody Allen call an unborn baby?\r\nA. A blind date.\r\n\r\nQ. Did you see Dolly Parton's new shoes?\r\nA. Neither did she.\r\n\r\nQ. What's brown and half eaten?\r\nA. The Queen Mothers Easter egg.\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between Michael and Connie Chung?\r\nA. Michael's been able to have kids.\r\n\r\nQ. What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?\r\nA. Michael Jackson.\r\n\r\nQ. Why does Michael Jackson arrange for private shopping?\r\nA. So his guests won't be accompanied by guardians!\r\n\r\nQ. What's the first problem the Michael's child will have in life?\r\nA. Figuring out which parent is his mother.\r\n\r\nQ. What makes Michael Jackson so unique?\r\nA. It's the little boy inside him.\r\n\r\nQ. How did Michael get in trouble?\r\nA. He was feeling a little Randy.\r\n\r\nQ. Why does Michael Jackson scream?\r\nA. Because it hurts.\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?\r\nA. Neil walked the moon, Michael Jackson... fucked little boys.\r\n\r\nQ. Did you hear about Michael Jackson's new band?\r\nA. It's called the Jackson Five and Under.\r\n\r\nQ. What did Saddam say when he came out of his hole?\r\nA. Did I beat David Blaine?\r\n\r\nQ. What did the woman tell Michael Jackson at the beach?\r\nA. Get out of my son!\r\n\r\nQ. Why does Michael Jackson like twenty six year olds?\r\nA. Cause there's twenty of them.\r\n\r\nQ. What does Michael Jackson and a Nintendo have in common? \r\nA. They are both made of plastic and kids turn them on.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12231,
"title": "Who Wuz it Some Girl"
},
{
"body": "Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks \"Have you got the time?\" \r\n\r\nJake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. \"It's a quarter to six,\" he says. \r\n\r\n\"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!\" exclaims the stranger. \r\n\r\nJake brightens a little. \"Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out.\" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says \"The time is eleven 'til six\" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues \"I've put in regional accents for each city.\" The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. \r\n\r\n\"That's not all,\" says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. \"The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,\" explains Jake. \"View recede ten,\" Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. \r\n\r\n\"I want to buy this watch!\" says the stranger. \r\n\r\n\"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet. I'm still working out the bugs.\" says the inventor. \"Look at this,\" and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, \"though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far.\" finishes Jake. \r\n\r\n\"I've got to have this watch!\" says the stranger. \r\n\r\n\"No, you don't understand - it's not ready.\" \r\n\r\n\"I'll give you $1000 for it!\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -\" \r\n\r\n\"I'll give you $5000 for it!\" \r\n\r\n\"But it's just not -\" \r\n\r\n\"I'll give you $15,000 for it!\" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. \r\n\r\nJake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. \r\n\r\nThe stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. \"Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.\" \r\n\r\nJake abruptly makes his decision. \"OK,\" he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. \r\n\r\n\"Hey, wait a minute,\" calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. \r\n\r\nJake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. \r\n\r\n\"Don't forget your batteries.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12234,
"title": "Fancy Watch"
},
{
"body": "The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose. \r\n\r\nThe first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. \r\n\r\nThe second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000. \r\n\r\nMeantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, \"From the tip of my penis to my testicles.\" \r\n\r\nThe pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. \"My God!\" he said, \"where are your testicles?\" \r\n\r\nThe general replied, \"Back in Vietnam!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12236,
"title": "Pentagon Incentive"
},
{
"body": "Morris, as a young man in the Old West, wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So Morris walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said, \"I have a suggestion that is sure to help.\" \r\n\r\n\"Tell me, tell me,\" said the young man. \r\n\r\n\"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg.\" \r\n\r\n\"Will that make me a better gunfighter?\" \r\n\r\n\"Definitely,\" said the old man. \r\n\r\nYoung Morris did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. \"Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother.\" \r\n\r\n\"Will that make me a better gunfighter?\" \r\n\r\n\"It sure will,\" said the old man. \r\n\r\nThe young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. \"This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?\" \r\n\r\n\"One more thing,\" said the old man. \"Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun.\" \r\n\r\nThe young Morris didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun. \r\n\r\n\"No, the whole gun, handle and everything,\" said the old man. \r\n\r\n\"Will that make me a better gunfighter?\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" said the old man, \"but, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano, he's going to put that gun where the sun don't shine, and it won't hurt as much.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12237,
"title": "The Best Gunfighter"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the little girls put minnows in their pants?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA: So they could smell like big girls.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12239,
"title": "Fish"
},
{
"body": "If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of 100 people, with everything else remaining the same, it would look like this: \r\n\r\nThere would be: \r\n\r\n* 57 Asians\r\n* 21 Europeans\r\n* 14 from the Western Hemisphere,\r\n* 8 Africans, \r\n\r\n* 52 would be female\r\n* 48 would be male \r\n\r\n* 70 would be non-white\r\n* 30 would be white \r\n\r\n* 70 would be non-Christian\r\n* 30 would be Christian \r\n\r\n* 95 would be heterosexual\r\n* 5 would be homosexual \r\n\r\n* 6 people would own 59% of the world's wealth, and all 6 would be from the United States and male.\r\n\r\n* 80 would live in substandard housing \r\n\r\n* 70 would be unable to read \r\n\r\n* 50 would suffer from malnutrition \r\n\r\n* 1 would be near death\r\n* 1 would be near birth \r\n\r\n* 1 would have a college education \r\n\r\n* 1 would own a computer \r\n\r\n* 0 would play oboe",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12243,
"title": "If The Earth Were a Small Village"
},
{
"body": "For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the U.S. to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments. \r\n\r\n- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper. \r\n\r\n- I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? \r\n\r\n- Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy. \r\n\r\n- I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why? \r\n\r\n- I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead. \r\n\r\n- This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it. \r\n\r\n- Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows. \r\n\r\n- I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born. \r\n\r\n- In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory. \r\n\r\n- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see. \r\n\r\n- My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. \r\n\r\n- Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life. \r\n\r\n- You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference? \r\n\r\n- I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day. \r\n\r\n- I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor. \r\n\r\n- In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12245,
"title": "Welfare Applications"
},
{
"body": "Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit \r\n\r\nSmart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production \r\n\r\nDumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion \r\n\r\nDumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12246,
"title": "Work Equations"
},
{
"body": "So this chicken walks into the library, and she walks up to the librarian and she says: \"Book.\" \r\n\r\nThe librarian says: \"You want a book?\" \r\n\r\n\"Book.\" \r\n\r\n\"Any book?\" \r\n\r\n\"Book.\" \r\n\r\nSo the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off she goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, \"Book-book\" \r\n\r\nThe librarian says: \"Now you want two books?\" \r\n\r\n\"Book-book.\" \r\n\r\nSo she gives the chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but she comes back soon. \"Book-book-book.\" \r\n\r\n\"Three books?\" \r\n\r\n\"Book-book-book.\" \r\n\r\nSo the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she'll follow the chicken and find out what's going on. \r\n\r\nThe chicken goes down the alley, and out of town and towards the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and there is a bullfrog. The chicken sets the books down by him, and he looks at them and says: \"Reddit...Reddit...Reddit.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12247,
"title": "Book-Book"
},
{
"body": "- Don't assume the telephone calls are coming from another house. \r\n\r\n- When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. \r\n\r\n- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. \r\n\r\n- Don't go into the basement to check the power when the lights go out! \r\n\r\n- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice. \r\n\r\n- When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone. \r\n\r\n- Don't have sex. Especially if you've noticed a few of your friends are missing! \r\n\r\n- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open a portal to Hell.\r\n\r\n-Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well. \r\n\r\n- If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, don't stand their sighing with relief, GET THE HECK OUT! \r\n\r\n- If appliances start operating by themselves, don't check for short circuits; JUST GET OUT! \r\n\r\n- Do not take ANYTHING from the dead. \r\n\r\n- If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around. \r\n\r\n- Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing. \r\n\r\n- If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely ambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.\r\n\r\n- If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately. \r\n\r\n- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Arkham (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. \r\n\r\n- If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and will most likely be eaten. \r\n\r\n- Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions. \r\n\r\n- If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12249,
"title": "What To Do When You Find Yourself in a Horror Movie"
},
{
"body": "Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, \"How's the singing career going?\" \r\n\r\nStevie Wonder says, \"Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?\" \r\n\r\nNicklaus replies, \"Not too bad. I m not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now.\" \r\n\r\n\"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right,\" says Stevie. \r\n\r\n\"You play golf!?\" asks Jack. \r\n\r\nStevie says, \"Yes, I've been playing for years.\" \r\n\r\n\"But I thought you're blind! How can you play golf if you are blind?\" Jack asks. \r\n\r\n\"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice,\" explains Stevie. \r\n\r\n\"But how do you putt?\" Nicklaus wondered. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" says Stevie, \"I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice.\" \r\n\r\nNicklaus says, \"What is your handicap?\" \r\n\r\n\"I play off scratch,\" Stevie assures Jack. \r\n\r\nNicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, \"We must play a game sometime.\" \r\n\r\nWonder replies, \"Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.\" \r\n\r\nNicklaus thinks it over and says, \"OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?\" \r\n\r\n\"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12250,
"title": "Playing Blind"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma is so poor, when I told her she eats dirt, she said to me,\"No way, that stuff is for rich people!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12252,
"title": "Dirt Poor"
},
{
"body": "A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser, with an experienced partner. A call came in, telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.\r\n\r\nThe officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.\r\n\r\nThe rookie rolled down his window and said, \"Let's get off the corner, people.\"\r\n\r\nA few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, \"Let's get off that corner... NOW!\"\r\n\r\nIntimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.\r\n\r\nProud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, \"Well, how did I do?\"\r\n\r\n\"Pretty good,\" chuckled the vet, \"especially since this is a bus stop.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12253,
"title": "Loitering"
},
{
"body": "Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. \r\n\r\nHe always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. \r\n\r\nOne day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. \r\n\r\nThe friend listened to her, and then said, \"Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.\" \r\n\r\nThe wife thought that might be a good idea. \r\n\r\nThat night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. \r\n\r\nHis wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. \r\n\r\nThis time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, \"It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?\" \r\n\r\nAt that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, \"I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12254,
"title": "A Nicer Approach"
},
{
"body": "A duck, a skunk, and a frog go to the movies. Tickets cost one dollar. Which animal doesn't get in? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThe skunk! \r\n\r\nThe frog has a green back, the duck has a bill, but the skunk only has a scent.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12255,
"title": "Movies"
},
{
"body": "An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. \r\n\r\n\"What did you do that for?\" asked a passing giraffe. \r\n\r\n\"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.\" \r\n\r\n\"Wow, what a memory!\" commented the giraffe. \r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" said the elephant, \"turtle recall.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12256,
"title": "The Elephant and the Turtle"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma is so stupid, that when the power went out, she said, \"Don't worry, we'll just watch a tape.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12257,
"title": "Who Turned Out the Lights?"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call a redneck family reunion?\r\n\r\nA: An orgy!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 12258,
"title": "Family Reunion"
},
{
"body": "Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. \r\n\r\nThe doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. \r\n\r\nThe first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. \r\n\r\nThen the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. \r\n\r\nThe third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. \"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?\" asked the doctor. \r\n\r\nTo which the third patient answered, \"Well Doc, I can't swim!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12261,
"title": "Passing The Exam"
},
{
"body": "A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus. \r\n\r\n\"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,\" he said. \r\n\r\n\"Actually,\" said his guide, \"it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.\" \r\n\r\nThe visitor was astonished. \"Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, indeed,\" said his guide. \"He wrote a check.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 12262,
"title": "College Writing"
},
{
"body": "The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. \r\n\r\nHe searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. \r\n\r\nHe successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. \r\n\r\nThe young man replied, \"I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12265,
"title": "The New French Cook"
},
{
"body": "A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years -- chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates. \r\n\r\nThen, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR -- \"head-to-floor distance reduction.\" After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous. \r\n\r\nThe HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: \"And in conclusion...\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12267,
"title": "Chemistry is Boring"
},
{
"body": "A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. \r\n\r\nThe first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish. \r\n\r\nAs they're driving home, they're really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend and says, \"Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?\" \r\n\r\nThe girlfriend says, \"Wow! It's a good thing we didnt catch any more!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12268,
"title": "Going Fishing"
},
{
"body": "Do Roman paramedics refer to an IV as a four?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12273,
"title": "Roman IV's"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so big, that when she farts, she destroys the ozone layer above her!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12274,
"title": "Yo Momma So Big..."
},
{
"body": "In a messed up family, the child named Hope is goth, and the child named Faith is atheist.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12275,
"title": "Messed Up Names"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so fat, when she went into a sumo wrestling match, they said, \"Sorry, no professionals allowed.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12276,
"title": "Yo Momma So Fat........."
},
{
"body": "A very lonely old lady buys a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage. Before the purchase, she is given a guarantee that the bird will talk. Ten days later, she returns to the store, very disappointed.\r\n\"The parrot doesn't talk.\"\r\n\"Did you buy a mirror?\"\r\n\"No.\"\r\n\"Every parrot needs a mirror.\"\r\nSo she buys a mirror and installs it in the cage.\r\nAnother ten days, and she's back at the pet shop.\r\n\"The parrot still doesn't talk.\"\r\n\"Did you buy a ladder?\"\r\n\"No.\"\r\n\"Every parrot needs a ladder.\"\r\nSo she buys a ladder and installs it in the cage.\r\nGuess what? Ten days later, she's back in the shop.\r\n\"The parrot still doesn't talk!\"\r\n\"Did you buy a swing?\"\r\n\"No.\"\r\n\"Every parrot needs a swing.\"\r\nSo she buys a swing and installs it in the cage.\r\nYou know, don't you - ten days later, she's back in the shop, and she's mad!\r\nThe store owner says, \"Well, does the parrot talk now?\"\r\n\"No, he died.\"\r\n\"Oh, that's terrible. Did he not ever talk, then?\"\r\n\"He talked, all right!\"\r\n\"What did he say?\"\r\n\"He said, 'Don't they sell any food down at that shop?'\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12278,
"title": "The Parrot MkXXIII"
},
{
"body": "How many women on their periods does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n-\r\n-\r\n-\r\nO N E ! ! , YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12279,
"title": "HOW MANY"
},
{
"body": "Two friends, who haven't met for a couple of years, are catching up with each other's news.\r\n\r\nOne says, \"And then the doctor said he'd have me back on my feet in a fortnight!\"\r\n\r\nHis pal says, \"Well, did he?\"\r\n\r\n\"He sure did, I had to sell my car to pay him!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 12281,
"title": "The Doctor VIII"
},
{
"body": "Did your parents have any kids that lived?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 12283,
"title": "SO UGLY"
},
{
"body": "1. And now, the taste test. \r\n\r\n2. Are we supposed to heat that? \r\n\r\n3. And now a little bit from this... \r\n\r\n4. ... and please keep that test tube alone! \r\n\r\n5. And now shake it a bit. \r\n\r\n6. Why is there no label on this bottle? \r\n\r\n7. In which glass was my mineral water? \r\n\r\n8. The bunsen burner *is* out! \r\n\r\n9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!? \r\n\r\n10. *H* stands for Nitrogen - and that does *not* burn... \r\n\r\n11. Oh, now I have spilt something... \r\n\r\n12. First the acid, then the water... \r\n\r\n13. And now the detonating gas problem. \r\n\r\n14. This is a completely safe experimental setup. \r\n\r\n15. Where did I put my gloves? \r\n\r\n16. Oh no, wrong beaker... \r\n\r\n17. The fire alarm is just being tested. \r\n\r\n18. Now you can take the protection window away... \r\n\r\n19. And now, keep it constant at 24 degrees celsius, 25... 26... 27... \r\n\r\n20. Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!? \r\n\r\n21. I feel how long 15 seconds are! \r\n\r\n22. Something is wrong here... \r\n\r\n23. Where did all those holes in my kettle come from? \r\n\r\n24. Trust me - I know what I am doing. \r\n\r\n25. And now a cigarette...",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12284,
"title": "Chemists' Last Words"
},
{
"body": "Yesterday, \r\nAll those backups seemed a waste of pay.\r\nNow my database has gone away.\r\nOh I believe in yesterday. \r\n\r\nSuddenly,\r\nThere's not half the files there used to be,\r\nAnd there's a milestone hanging over me\r\nThe system crashed so suddenly. \r\n\r\nI pushed something wrong\r\nWhat it was I could not say. \r\n\r\nNow all my data's gone\r\nand I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. \r\n\r\nYesterday,\r\nThe need for back-ups seemed so far away.\r\nI knew my data was all here to stay,\r\nNow I believe in yesterday.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 12285,
"title": "Yesterday For IT People"
},
{
"body": "You know you're a redneck when your stair master has an ashtray!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 12286,
"title": "Redneck Fitness"
},
{
"body": "Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created\r\n\r\n10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.\r\n\r\n9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.\r\n\r\n8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.\r\n\r\n7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.\r\n\r\n6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.\r\n\r\n5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.\r\n\r\n4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.\r\n\r\n3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.\r\n\r\n2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!\r\n\r\nAnd the #1 reason why God created Eve...\r\n\r\n1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, \"I can do better than that!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12290,
"title": "Why Eve was Created"
},
{
"body": "An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout \"PRAISE THE LORD!\"\r\n\r\nNext door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, \"There ain't no Lord!!\"\r\n\r\nHard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted \"Praise the Lord! God, I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries!!\"\r\n\r\nThe next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, \"PRAISE THE LORD!\"\r\n\r\nThe neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, \"Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries; God didn't.\"\r\n\r\nThe lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, \"Praise the Lord! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 12291,
"title": "A Very Faithful Woman"
},
{
"body": "You are in a car travelling at a constant speed. On your left is a valley, and on your right is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.\r\nIn front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car, and you can't overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter, flying at ground level; both are travelling at the same speed as you.\r\nWhat must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?\r\nGet off the merry-go-round!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12294,
"title": "Danger!"
},
{
"body": "Sam and Abe, in their late seventies, first met years ago in the second grade. Their relationship now is mostly playing cards, telling jokes and making bets.\r\n\r\nSam calls Abe and says, \"I got a bet for you: I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars!\" Abe says, \"How can that be? If you knew anything about biology, you ...\"\r\n\r\nSam interrupts, \"I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard, ...a thousand dollars, ...yes or no!!\"\r\n\r\nAbe says, \"Okay, okay, I'll take your bet! How long is yours soft?\" Sam says, \"Eleven years!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12295,
"title": "Sam and Abe."
},
{
"body": "Why has Edward Woodward got 4 d's in his name?\r\n\r\nIf he hadn't he would be Ewar Woowar!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12296,
"title": "What's in a Name?"
},
{
"body": "What's red and invisible?\r\n\r\n\r\nNo tomato.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12297,
"title": "Now You See Me . . . ."
},
{
"body": "I was walking around and I saw somebody selling a shirt that said this:\r\n\r\nF.B.I.\r\nFemale Body Inspector",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12298,
"title": "T-Shirt"
},
{
"body": "A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help. \r\n\r\nNot much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders. \r\n\r\nWell, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction. \r\n\r\nThe farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes. \r\n\r\nThe farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals. \r\n\r\nThe chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. \"These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!\" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens. \r\n\r\nNext, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. \"These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!\" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs. \r\n\r\nThe farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. \"Worthless sheep!\" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep. \r\n\r\nMeanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror. \r\n\r\nThe farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. \"Are you okay down there?\" asked the farmer. \r\n\r\n\"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!\" the tourist yelled back.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12299,
"title": "How are You Doing?"
},
{
"body": "Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.\r\n\r\n\"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?\" she asked.\r\n\r\n\"Yeth,\" lisped the farmer.\r\n\r\nBeing a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: \"Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12300,
"title": "Misunderstanding"
},
{
"body": "Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, \"So what's bothering you, dear?\" \r\n\r\nShe says, \"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.\" \r\n\r\nThe priest says, \"Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?\" \r\n\r\nShe says, \"That he did, Father...\" \r\n\r\nThe priest says, \"What did he ask, Mary?\" \r\n\r\nShe says, \"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that darned gun!'\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12304,
"title": "The Grieving Wife"
},
{
"body": "For a complete breakdown of how points are calculated, please read the Site Rules. You can get to the site rules by going to the FAQ's and the first answer gives you a link to the Site Rules.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12306,
"title": "How are the Points Calculated?"
},
{
"body": "Jokes are not immediately available to all users until they are voted by other users at least 10 times. This is to assure that the rating of the joke is accurate and that it does not violate the \"Terms and Conditions\" of this website. If you have your preferences set to not hide any jokes then you will be able to see jokes with fewer than 10 votes in the \"Unrated Jokes\" section.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12307,
"title": "I Just Submitted a Joke and I Cant See It."
},
{
"body": "G: Jokes rated G are acceptable for everyone. No bad language and no violence or sexual references are in these jokes.\r\n\r\nPG: These jokes are suitable for most children. Mild violence or language may appear in these jokes.\r\n\r\nPG13: These jokes may contain some bad language or violence. Some mild sexual content may also appear in these jokes.\r\n\r\nR: These jokes contain foul language and sexual or violent content.\r\n\r\nYou can go to \"My Account\"---\"Edit Account\" and filter out jokes you don't want to see.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12308,
"title": "Can You Explain the Rating System?"
},
{
"body": "Not to be confused with the Daily Joke Newsletter, a subscription to a joke means that it will appear on your \"View Subscriptions\" page. This allows you to keep up-to-date on the conversation/comments of your favorite jokes. To subscribe, click the checkbox at the bottom of the comment box on the joke page. You can always unsubscribe at any time.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12309,
"title": "Whats a Joke Subscription?"
},
{
"body": "You can report duplicates once you get 100 points. For every duplicate that you correctly report, you get 10 points. You can also help by verifying duplicates that other users have reported. For every verification, you get 1 point (regardless of whether you vote yes or no).\r\n\r\nIf you vote for a duplicate that you reported you DO NOT get any points.\r\n\r\nIf you report 2 duplicate jokes and 1 of them is yours, you DO NOT get any points.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12310,
"title": "I Found 2 Jokes that are Duplicates of Each Other. What Do I Do?"
},
{
"body": "An editor is someone who has earned enough points to \"unlock\" certain features of the website. Editors have certain degrees of ability to modify the jokes on this website. Here is a list of the requirements and privileges given to those who meet the requirements. You do not need to ask to become an editor. If you meet the requirements you automatically have those privileges.(Note: You may not get those privileges if you exhibit bad behavior toward the website.)\r\n\r\nLevel 0: (100 Points) You can report and verify duplicate jokes.\r\n\r\nLevel 1: (500 Points) You can suggest and verify corrections to jokes in order to improve spelling, grammar and other errors.\r\n\r\nLevel 2: (1000 Points) Your votes on jokes count as double (but you still only get 1 point for a vote)\r\n\r\nLevel 3: (4000 Points) Your votes on jokes count as triple (but you still only get 1 point for a vote)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12311,
"title": "What are Editors and How Do I Become One?"
},
{
"body": "On rare circumstances the behavior of a user of this site is deemed so inappropriate that they will not be allowed to become an editor even with the correct number of points or even if they were already an editor when they had the bad behavior.\r\n\r\nBad behavior includes such things as registering multiple fake accounts, submitting jokes that are not jokes, or that are abusive to other users of the website, or submitting false duplicate reports or misusing the joke-correction functionality of this website.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12312,
"title": "I Have the Correct Number of Points, But Im Not an Editor or I W"
},
{
"body": "Please contact us. We are happy to answer questions, and we are always eager to make Wocka.com a better place.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12313,
"title": "My Questions Wasn't Answered Here."
},
{
"body": "Registered users win points for submitting and voting on jokes.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12314,
"title": "Official Rules"
},
{
"body": "- OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark? \r\n\r\n- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. \r\n\r\n- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. \r\n\r\n- Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. \r\n\r\n- How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? \r\n\r\n- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. \r\n\r\n- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? \r\n\r\n- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. \r\n\r\n- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? \r\n\r\n- Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. \r\n\r\n- Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. \r\n\r\n- Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. \r\n\r\n- Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12316,
"title": "More Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously"
},
{
"body": "- Save the whales. Collect the whole set. \r\n\r\n- A day without sunshine is like...night. \r\n\r\n- On the other hand, you have different fingers \r\n\r\n- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. \r\n\r\n- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. \r\n\r\n- Remember, half the people you know are below average. \r\n\r\n- He who laughs last thinks slowest. \r\n\r\n- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. \r\n\r\n- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. \r\n\r\n- Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. \r\n\r\n- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. \r\n\r\n- Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. \r\n\r\n- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. \r\n\r\n- How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12318,
"title": "Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously"
},
{
"body": "A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, \"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.\"\r\n\r\nThe jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.\r\n\r\nThey carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.\r\n\r\nAt the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, \"It's no good, I'll have to do it,\" and yells, \"ALLLEEE OOOP!\" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.\r\n\r\nThe trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, \"Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?\" \r\n\r\nThe trainer replies, \"Deaf? DEAF? He's not deaf - he's BLIND!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12324,
"title": "Horses at the Race"
},
{
"body": "There was a cargo shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.\r\nIt suddenly had a malfunction, and crashed in the jungle.\r\n\r\nA few days later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane to search for the plane and crew.\r\nThey found the wreckage, but were not able to locate the crew.\r\nThey searched the area and met with a tribe of cannibals.\r\n\r\nThey walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.\r\nThe Chief nods and simply says, \"Yes...seen plane crash\".\r\nWhen asked where the crew was, the Cheif replyed, \"We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi!\"\r\n\r\nThe Rescue crew was shocked. Another man asked, \"Did you eat their legs?\"\r\nThe chief replied, \"We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi!\"\r\n\r\nAnother rescuer asked, \"Did you eat their arms?\"\r\nThe Chief said, \"We ate their arms, and we drank the Peps!\"\r\n\r\nFinally, another rescuer had to ask, \"Did you..you know...eat their...things?\"\r\nThe cheif says, \"NO, you idiot!... Even cannibals know that THINGS go better with Coke!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12325,
"title": "Coke or Pepsi"
},
{
"body": "There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.\r\nAs the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.\r\n\r\nThe Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, \"Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on.\"\r\n\r\nThe girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.\r\n\r\nUpon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.\r\n\r\nAs soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.\r\n\r\nThe woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.\r\n\r\nThe priest hands the lady $1 and says...\r\n\"Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12326,
"title": "Panties"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?\r\n\r\n\r\nA: To get to the other side!\r\n\r\n************************************************************\r\n\r\nQ: Why did the punk rock star cross the road?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA: Because he was stapled to the chicken!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12327,
"title": "Another Chicken Joke"
},
{
"body": "Users to accumulate 5,000 points are rewarded with having no advertisements shown to them on this website.\r\n\r\nYou can also get icons that appear next to your name once you have achieved certain goals. Awards are described on the icon page. You can get to the icon page by clicking an icon next to someone's username.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12329,
"title": "Awards"
},
{
"body": "Thank you for using Wocka.com. This page states the terms and conditions under which you may use the web site. It is important that you read this page carefully because by opening our web site you agree to be bound, without limitation or qualification, by these terms. If you do not accept any of the terms stated here then do not use the web site. This web site may, in it's sole discretion, modify or revise these terms at any time by updating this web page. You are bound by any such modification or revision and should therefore visit this page periodically to review the terms.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12330,
"title": "Terms & Conditions of Site Use"
},
{
"body": "A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, \"Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm sure I can,\" the psychiatrist replied. \"Just go over and lie face down on that couch.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 12341,
"title": "Ugly Person"
},
{
"body": "A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. \"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.\"\r\n\r\n\"What's the problem?\" the docotor inquired.\r\n\r\n\"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.\"\r\n\r\n\"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person - but say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.\"\r\n\r\nThe man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office quite excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. \r\n\r\n\"Did my advice not work?\" asked the doctor.\r\n\r\n\"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.\"\r\n\r\n\"So, what's your problem?\" \r\n\r\n\"I don't have a problem,\" the man replied. \"My wife does.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 12342,
"title": "Better Relationship"
},
{
"body": "Dad: Son what is the difference a penis and a loaf of bread? \r\n\r\nSon: I don't know. \r\n\r\nDad: Then remind me to never send you to the store for a loaf of bread.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12346,
"title": "Difference Between Penis and Bread"
},
{
"body": "Registered users can get special icons next to their names that signify certain accomplishments. To learn how points are awarded, please visit our rules page. Icons are awarded as follows:\r\n\r\n\r\n Green Star~~~= User has submitted 5 jokes.\r\n Red Star~~~~~= User has submitted 10 jokes.\r\n Blue Star~~~~= User has submitted 50 jokes.\r\n Glod Star~~~~= User has submitted 100 jokes.\r\n Rainbow Star~= User has submitted 200 jokes.\r\n\r\n\r\n Red Dot~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~= User has cast 10 votes.\r\n Small Dartboard~~~~~~~~~= User has cast 50 votes.\r\n Medium Dartboard~~~~~~~~= User has cast 100 votes.\r\n Large Dartboard~~~~~~~~~= User has cast 250 votes.\r\n Dartboard with 1 Arrow~~= User has cast 500 votes.\r\n Dartboard with 2 Arrows~= User has cast 1000 votes.\r\n Dartboard with 3 Arrows~= User has cast 2500 votes.\r\n\r\n\r\n Smiley Face~= User's jokes rate at least 2.5 on average.\r\n\r\n\r\n Male sign~~~=User is a male.\r\n Female Sign~=User is a female.\r\n(you can set your gender by editing your account) \r\n\r\n Pencil with #1~= User is a Level 1 Editor.\r\n Pencil with #2~= User is a Level 2 Editor.\r\n Pencil with #3~= User is a Level 3 Editor.\r\n\r\n\r\n Thermometer 1/4 red~= Editor has made 500 edits.\r\n Thermometer 1/2 red~= Editor has made 1000 edits.\r\n Thermometer 3/4 red~= Editor has made 2000 edits.\r\n Thermometer 4/4 red~= Editor has made 4000 edits.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12355,
"title": "Icons"
},
{
"body": "First, go to Wocka's Joke Home Page. There you will see the Daily Joke of the Day. In that box, (in the bottom-right corner) there are 3 links. The bottom link says \"Get Daily Jokes Via E-Mail\"; that is what you click.\r\n\r\nMake sure we have your correct email address and press the button:\r\n\r\nNewsletter \r\nYour Email Address: \r\n\r\nSubscribe\r\nUnsubscribe \r\n \r\nDo It\r\n\r\nWe hate spam just as much as you do. Your email address will never be shared or sold to anyone. Your information is kept private and is only used for sending the daily joke. You can unsubscribe at any time by following the link at the bottom of the daily email or by coming back to this page.\r\n\r\nIf you are under the age of 13, please get your parents approval before submitting your email address.\r\n\r\nPlease read our Privacy Policy for more information.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12356,
"title": "Get Daily Joke By Email"
},
{
"body": "We are rated with RSAC i, SafeSurf TM Rated.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12357,
"title": "Privacy Policy"
},
{
"body": "Your joke was submitted.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12367,
"title": "Submit a Joke"
},
{
"body": "1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?'' \r\n2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.'' \r\n3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. \r\n4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'' \r\n5. ''Damn, this water is cold.'' \r\n6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly. \r\n7. ''Now how did that get there?'' \r\n8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.'' \r\n9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!'' \r\n10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters'' \r\n11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?\" \r\n12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!\" \r\n13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot'' \r\n14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'' \r\n15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. \r\n16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visable to the adjacent stall. \r\n17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!'' \r\n18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 12377,
"title": "Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends"
},
{
"body": "A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart. \r\n\"Duke!\" the dad yelled. \r\n\r\n\"This is great!\" the boy thought. \"He thinks the dog is farting!\" So he let out another one. \r\n\r\n\"Duke!\" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart. \r\n\r\n\"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 12379,
"title": "Hide the Duke"
},
{
"body": "A friend in need . . .\r\n\r\n. . .is a damn nuisance.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12394,
"title": "A Friend"
},
{
"body": "Q: Imagine you are stuck in a cell, no windows, no doors pretty much nothing. How do you get out?\r\n\r\nA: -Stop imagining!-",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12395,
"title": "Stuck in a Cell"
},
{
"body": "Three guys, who had all died around the same time at about the same place, were waiting to take their place in Heaven. They were told by the angel that there was room for only one of them in Heaven. Their fate would be determined by the way each of them had died, so the angel went to each man and asked how they had died.\r\n\r\nThe first guy, when approached, said:\r\n\"Well, I live on the 14th floor of my apartment building and I came home early from work because I suspected that my wife had been cheating on me, and I wanted to give the other man a piece of my mind. However, when I got home there was no one in the apartment aside from my wife, but my intuition told me otherwise, so I searched the apartment. When I came to my balcony, ready the commit suicide, I saw a man hanging on, at that point I was so angry at him that I stepped on his hands hoping he'd fall off, but he remained firm. So I went back inside and got a hammer and hit his hands, but he still didn't fall off. In my frustration I went in the kitchen and got the refrigerator, flinging myself, the refrigerator, and him down 14 floors. And that is how I died.\"\r\n\r\nThe second guy said:\r\n\"I am a window washer and was cleaning the windows on the 17 story when my cart broke and I began falling. Luckily I was able to grab onto the 14th story balcony, when this guy comes. I was so relieved thinking I'd be rescued, when instead, he starts stepping on my hands, but I refused to fall and die so I put all my energy into staying on. Then the guy goes back inside and comes back with a hammer and starts hitting my hands again, but I refused to let go. Finally the guy goes back inside and flings himself and refrigerator on me. And that is how I died.\"\r\n\r\nThe third guy said:\r\n\"Well, I was in this lady's aparment and we were making out on the couch, and things were heating up until her husband comes home early. I quickly hid in the refrigerator, and that's all I remember.\"\r\n\r\nWho do you think went to Heaven?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12396,
"title": "Three Guys at the Gates of Heaven"
},
{
"body": "Dumb and Funny Warning Labels On Products\r\n\r\n\r\nLiquid Plummer \r\nWarning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.\r\n\r\nWindex \r\nDo not spray in eyes. \r\n\r\nBowl Fresh \r\nSafe to use around pets and children, although, it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet. \r\n\r\nToilet Plunger \r\nCaution: Do not use near power lines.\r\n\r\nDremel Electric Rotary Tool \r\nThis product not intended for use as a dental drill.\r\n\r\nArm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter \r\nSafe to use around pets.\r\n\r\nEndust Duster \r\nThis product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.\r\n\r\nBaby Oil \r\nKeep out of reach of children\r\n\r\nLittle Ones Baby Lotion \r\nKeep away from children\r\n\r\nHair Coloring \r\nDo not use as an ice cream topping.\r\n\r\nWet-Nap \r\nDirections: Tear open packet and use.\r\n\r\nDial Soap \r\nDirections: Use like regular soap.\r\n\r\nStridex Foaming Face Wash \r\nMay contain foam.\r\n\r\nHairdryer: \r\nDo not use while taking a shower. \r\n\r\nOld Spice Red Zone Deoderant \r\nUse only on underarms.\r\n\r\nZantac 75 \r\nDo not take if allergic to zantac.\r\n\r\nSleeping Pills \r\nWarning: May cause Drowsiness\r\n\r\n\r\nChristmas Lights \r\nWarning: For indoor or outdoor use only.\r\n\r\nBic Lighter \r\nIgnite lighter away from face.\r\n\r\nKomatsu Floodlight \r\nThis floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark\r\n\r\n Fire Extinguisher: \r\nCaution: Non-Flamable \r\n\r\nEarplugs \r\nThese ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe\r\n\r\nMattress \r\nWarning: Do not attempt to swallow\r\n\r\nMatches \r\nCaution: Contents may catch fire.\r\n\r\nPepper Spray \r\nCaution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.\r\n\r\nAuto-Shade Widnshield Visor \r\nWarning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.\r\n\r\nFix-a-Flat \r\nWARNING: Do not weld can to rim.\r\n\r\nRain Gauge \r\nSuitable for outdoor use.\r\n\r\nRCA Television Remote Control \r\nNot Dishwasher Safe\r\n\r\nPine Mountain Fire Logs \r\nCaution: Risk of fire\r\n\r\nTriops Fish Food \r\nWarning: Not for human consumption\r\n\r\nHome Depot Treated Lumber \r\nDo not consume\r\n\r\nHair Dryer \r\nWarning: Do not use while sleeping. \r\n\r\nRoad Sign \r\nCaution water on road during rain.\r\n\r\nCamera \r\nThis camera will only work when film is inside.\r\n\r\nRoad Sign \r\nCemetery Road. Dead End\r\n\r\nChurch Parking Lot Sign \r\nThou shalt not park\r\n\r\nChildren's Superman Costume \r\nWearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.\r\n\r\nSilk Soy Milk \r\nShake well and buy often\r\n\r\nAir Conditioner \r\nCaution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.\r\n\r\nRowenta Iron \r\nWarning: Never iron clothes on the body.\r\n\r\nSlush Puppy Cup \r\nThis ice may be cold\r\n\r\nAmerican Airlines Peanuts \r\nInstructions: open packet, eat nuts.\r\n\r\nNabisco Easy Cheese \r\nFor best results, remove cap.\r\n\r\nSwanson TV Dinners \r\nThis product must be cooked before eating.\r\n\r\nHershey's Almond Bar \r\nWarning: May contain traces of nuts\r\n\r\nHeinz Ketchup \r\nInstructions: Put on food\r\n\r\n 500-piece puzzle: \r\nSome assembly required. \r\n\r\nBeach Ball \r\nCAUTION: It is not a life saving device.\r\n\r\nChainsaw \r\nDo not attempt to stop chain with hands.\r\n\r\nSears hairdryer:\r\nDo not use while sleeping.\r\n\r\nBag of Fritos:\r\nYou could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.\r\n\r\nBar of Dial soap:\r\nDirections: Use like regular soap.\r\n\r\nSwann frozen dinners:\r\nServing suggestion: Defrost.\r\n\r\nHotel provided shower cap in a box:\r\nFits one head.\r\n\r\nTesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) \r\nDo not turn upside down. \r\n\r\nMarks & Spencer Bread Pudding:\r\nProduct will be hot after heating.\r\n\r\nPackaging for a Rowenta iron:\r\nDo not iron clothes on body.\r\n\r\nBoot's Children's cough medicine: \r\nDo not drive car or operate machinery.\r\n\r\nNytol sleep aid:\r\nWarning: may cause drowsiness.\r\n\r\nString of Chinese-made Christmas lights: \r\nFor indoor or outdoor use only.\r\n\r\nJapanese food processor:\r\nNot to be used for the other use.\r\n\r\nSainsbury's peanuts:\r\nWarning: contains nuts.\r\n\r\nAmerican Airlines packet of nuts: \r\nInstructions: open packet, eat nuts. \r\n\r\nKorean kitchen knife:\r\nWarning keep out of children\r\n\r\nHelmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists:\r\nRemember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you\r\n\r\nNew Zealand insect spray:\r\nThis product not tested on animals.\r\n\r\nBlanket from taiwan:\r\nnot to be used as protection from a tornado\r\n\r\nCardboard windshield sun shade:\r\nWarning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.\r\n\r\nInfant's bathtub:\r\nDo not throw baby out with bath water.\r\n\r\nPackage of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:\r\nNot meant as substitute for human companionship.\r\n\r\n Disposable razor:\r\nDo not use this product during an earthquake. \r\n\r\nBottle of shampoo for dogs \r\nCaution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish. \r\n\r\nCurling Iron\r\nWarning: This product can burn eyes.\r\n\r\nHair Dryer\r\nDo not use in shower.\r\n\r\nHair Dryer\r\nDo not use while sleeping.\r\n\r\nHand-held Massaging Device\r\nDo not use while sleeping or unconscious.\r\n\r\nCase of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.\r\nDo not place this product into any electronic equipment.\r\n\r\nA toilet at a public sports facility\r\nRecycled flush water unsafe for drinking. \r\n\r\nPair of shin guards made for bicyclists\r\nShin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.\r\n\r\nContainer of Underarm Deodorant.\r\nCaution: Do not spray in eyes.\r\n\r\nAim-n-Flame fireplace lighter.\r\nDo not use near fire, flame, or sparks.\r\n\r\nToner cartridge for a laser printer\r\nDo not eat toner.\r\n\r\n13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow\r\nNot intended for highway use.\r\n\r\nCan of self-defense pepper spray.\r\nMay irritate eyes.\r\n\r\nNovelty rock garden set called \"Popcorn Rock\"\r\nEating rocks may lead to broken teeth.\r\n\r\nA frisbee\r\nWarning: May contain small parts.\r\n\r\nA toilet bowl cleaning brush.\r\nDo not use orally.\r\n\r\nA birthday card for a 1 year old.\r\nNot suitable for children aged 36 months or less.\r\n\r\nHeated seat cushion\r\nWarning: Do not use on eyes.\r\n\r\n Microwave Oven:\r\nDo not use for drying pets. \r\n\r\nElectric Cattle Prod\r\nFor use on animals only.\r\n\r\nCan of air freshener.\r\nFor use by trained personnel only.\r\n\r\nSilly Putty\r\nDo not use as ear plugs.\r\n\r\nKnife sharpening stone\r\nWarning: knives are sharp!\r\n\r\nDeodorant\r\nDo not use intimately.\r\n\r\nRat Poison\r\nWarning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.\r\n\r\nPortable stroller\r\nCaution: Remove infant before folding for storage.\r\n\r\nDashboard of a mail truck\r\nLook before driving.\r\n\r\nChildren's cough medicine\r\nDo not drive car or operate machinery.\r\n\r\nSign at a railroad station\r\nBeware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.\r\n\r\nBottom of a supermarket dessert box\r\nDo not turn upside down. \r\n\r\nPackage of dice.\r\nNot for human consumption.\r\n\r\n Bottled Drink:\r\nTwist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth. \r\n\r\nShipment of hammers\r\nMay be harmful if swallowed.\r\n\r\nManual for an SGI computer.\r\nDo not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.\r\n\r\nStamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle\r\nWarning: Misuse may cause injury or death.\r\n\r\nElectric Thermometer.\r\nDo not use orally after using rectally.\r\n\r\nPackaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.\r\nTurn off motor before using this product.\r\n\r\n6x10 inch inflatable picture frame\r\nNot to be used as a personal flotation device.\r\n\r\nBox of bottle rockets\r\nDo not put in mouth.\r\n\r\nWrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack\r\nRemove plastic before eating.\r\n\r\nBox for a car jack\r\nFor lifting purposes only.\r\n\r\n Instructions for a cordless phone:\r\nDo not put lit candles on phone. \r\n\r\nSmall print from car commercial which shows a car in the ocean\r\nDo not drive cars in ocean.\r\n\r\nSmall print from a car commercial which shows a vehicle \"body-surfing\" at a concert\r\nAlways drive on roads. Not on people.\r\n\r\nBus Stop\r\nNo stopping or standing.\r\n\r\nChurch Sign\r\nThese rows reserved for parents with children.\r\n\r\nBag of Fritos\r\nYou could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.\r\n\r\nCredit card statement.\r\nPayment is due by the due date.\r\n\r\nLaundromat triple washer\r\nNo small children.\r\n\r\nSign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building\r\nTake care: new non-slip surface.\r\n\r\nBox of Pills\r\nTake one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone.\r\n\r\nInstructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11\r\nRemove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.\r\n\r\nCan of black pepper.\r\nInstructions: usage known.\r\n\r\nBag of cat biscuits\r\nSimply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants.\r\n\r\nCar Manual\r\nIn order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.\r\n\r\nEspresso Kettle\r\nThe appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position.\r\n\r\nT.V. manual\r\nDo not pour liquids into your television set.\r\n\r\nLabel on a hammer \r\nCaution - Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object\r\n\r\nVCR box\r\nInstructional video on hooking up VCR included.\r\n\r\nToilet brush\r\nDo not use for personal hygiene.\r\n\r\nBlack rubber fishing worm\r\nNot for human consumption.\r\n\r\n Orange Juice Can:\r\n100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate. \r\n\r\nDepend Adult Diapers \r\nStep into underwear and pull them on just like regular underwear.\r\n\r\nFurniture Wipes\r\nDo not use for a baby wipe.\r\n\r\nStickers to put on the seat of a potty training toilet\r\nThis is not a toy. Stickers require adult supervision.\r\n\r\nLawnmower\r\nWarning: When Motor Is Running - The Blade Is Turning \r\n\r\nInstructions on the bottom of a grocery store pizza\r\nDo not turn upside down.\r\n\r\nBottom of a Coca-Cola bottle\r\nDo not open here.\r\n\r\nBottle of bathtub cleaner\r\nFor best results, start with clean bathtub before use.\r\n\r\nContainer of lighter fluid\r\nWARNING: Contents flammable!\r\n\r\nBox of household nails\r\nCAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!\r\n\r\nMicrowave popcorn, packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless you open the plastic and unfold it \r\nDirection #1: Remove plastic. \r\n\r\nDrink bottle label\r\nDo not peel label off.\r\n\r\nWoolite carpet cleaner\r\nSafe for carpets, too!\r\n\r\nBox of Frosted Cheerio's\r\nThe logo, \"Tastes so good this box never closes,\" is located just underneath another announcement: \"To close: place tab here.\"\r\n\r\nSterno\r\nDo not use near fire or flame.\r\n\r\nContainer of salt\r\nWarning: High in sodium\r\n\r\nHose Nozzle\r\nDo not spray into electrical outlet.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12397,
"title": "Product Warnings"
},
{
"body": "I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one! \r\n\r\nI figure, no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three for each three they unlock!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12398,
"title": "Security Concerns"
},
{
"body": "Maybe it's true that life begins at 40. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. \r\n\r\nThere are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget. \r\n\r\nMiddle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12399,
"title": "Getting Older"
},
{
"body": "\"I finally got my boss to laugh,\" said one friend to another after work. \r\n\r\n\"Oh, how?\" \r\n\r\n\"I asked for a raise!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12401,
"title": "Boss Truism"
},
{
"body": "A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section. \r\n\r\nLater, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open. \r\n\r\n\"Where are the tortoises?\" he asked. \r\n\r\n\"I can't believe it,\" said the new employee, \"I just opened the door and whooooosh, they were gone!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12402,
"title": "Slow, Really Slow..."
},
{
"body": "1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don't know each other. \r\n\r\n2. They drive side by side, too. If they can't find another slow driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane. \r\n\r\n3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in their rear view mirrors, either. \r\n\r\n4. Slow people drift sideways so they'll block the path of anyone trying to pass them. If two people or vehicles are trying to get around them at the same time, they drift into the path of the one that is moving at the highest speed. \r\n\r\n5. Follow behind a slow person in the grocery store and you'll wind up with soggy ice cream every time.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12403,
"title": "Defining Characteristics of Slow People"
},
{
"body": "Three men, a Scotsman, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were given a sentence of life inprisonment for manslauter in Saudi Arabia. When they got to the trial the judge said, \"It is my daughter's birthday, so you will only be lashed 100 times.\"\r\n\r\nThey went to the whipman and he said, \"Today is my birthday, you may all have a wish\" \r\n\r\nThe Frenchman, who went firstm said, \"I would like a pillow strapped to my back. \"He got 33 painless lashes until the pillow broke. He then got hit 77 times on his back.\r\n\r\nThe Scotsman asked for two pillows. He got 66 painless lashes until the pillows broke. Then got 34 whips on his back.\r\n\r\nThe whipman said to the englishman, \"England is a noble country, therefore you may have two wishes. The Englishman said,\"Thank you, my first wish is to increase my number of whippings to the maximum 1000. My second wish is to have the frenchman strapped to my back.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12404,
"title": "Trial"
},
{
"body": "If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12409,
"title": "Venice"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? \r\n\r\nPumpkin Pi!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12410,
"title": "What Do You Get?"
},
{
"body": "I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12411,
"title": "Sweet!"
},
{
"body": "My teacher always used to tell me that double negatives are a real no-no.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12412,
"title": "Language!"
},
{
"body": "This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water. \r\n\r\nHer professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium. \r\n\r\nShe was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action. \r\n\r\n'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12415,
"title": "Very Dangerous Mix"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock.\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nSherwood.\r\n\r\nSherwood who? \r\n\r\nSherwood like to meet you, so open the door!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12416,
"title": "Sherwood"
},
{
"body": "Q: What did the older lightbulb say to the younger lightbulb?\r\n\r\nA: You're too young to go out tonight.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12417,
"title": "Going Out"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, there was a girl with a lisp. She couldn't pronounce her c's or s's so she would just leave them out. One day she was going to the bathroom and started singing \"I've Got Peace Like a River.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 12418,
"title": "Peace Like a River"
},
{
"body": "A blonde (let's call her Blonde #1) and her twin sister (let's call her Blonde #2) were celebrating the twin's birthday and Blonde#2 gave Blonde#1 a present. \r\nBlonde#1: \"Oh, thank you so much! When's your birthday? I have to start planning what to get you!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12419,
"title": "Birthday"
},
{
"body": "I found this on a can of Juicey-Juice 100% Juice. \r\n\r\nJust add water.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12420,
"title": "Juicey-Juice"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why could Long John Silver never find an aspirin?\r\n\r\nA: 'Cause his parrots ate them all.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12421,
"title": "Loooonnnngggg John"
},
{
"body": "Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12422,
"title": "Baker's Doesn't"
},
{
"body": "Psychiatrist: What's your problem?\r\n\r\nPatient: I think I'm a chicken.\r\n\r\nPsychiatrist: How long has this been going on?\r\n\r\nPatient: Ever since I was an egg!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 12423,
"title": "How Long?"
},
{
"body": "A quite sobered-up drunk is at Sunday mass listening to a long boring sermon. Feeling still hungover and tired, he finally nods out hoping no one will notice. The priest has been watching him all along and at the end of the sermon, decides to make an example out of him. \r\n\r\n\"Who in this room would like a place in heaven, please stand up,\" he exclaims. The whole room stands up, except, of course, for one. Obviously displeased, he now says loudly, \"And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP.\" The man, catching only the last part, groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing up. Confused and embarrassed he says, \"I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12435,
"title": "Church Vote"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? \r\n\r\nA: One drunk Irishman",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12436,
"title": "Irish Difference"
},
{
"body": "After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. \r\n\r\n\"Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?\" offered the store owner. \r\n\r\n\"No, don't bother,\" replied George. \"He can't read anyway.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12437,
"title": "Cat Name"
},
{
"body": "One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. \r\n\r\nAs he handed the reindeer some coins in change he said, \"You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here.\" \r\n\r\nThe reindeer looked hard at the hoof full of change and said, \"Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something buddy. At these prices I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 12438,
"title": "Reindeer at a Bar"
},
{
"body": "Miss Agnes McHolstein \r\n69 Cash Avenue \r\nBeaver Meadow, Col. \r\nDecember 14 \r\nDearest John: \r\nI went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. \r\n\r\nWith deepest love and devotion, \r\n\r\nAgnes \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nMiss Agnes McHolstein \r\n69 Cash Avenue \r\nBeaver Meadow, Col. \r\nDecember 15 \r\nDearest John: \r\nToday the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. \r\n\r\nAll my love, \r\n\r\nAgnes \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n------------------------------------------------------------\r\nMiss Agnes McHolstein \r\n69 Cash Avenue \r\nBeaver Meadow, Col. \r\nDecember 16 \r\nDearest John: \r\n\r\nOh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind. \r\n\r\nLove, \r\n\r\nAgnes \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nMiss Agnes McHolstein \r\n69 Cash Avenue \r\nBeaver Meadow, Col. \r\nDecember 17 \r\nDearest John: \r\nToday the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough? \r\n\r\nAffectionately, \r\n\r\nAgnes \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n------------------------------------------------------------\r\nMiss Agnes McHolstein \r\n69 Cash Avenue \r\nBeaver Meadow, Col. \r\nDecember 18 \r\nDearest John: \r\nWhat a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. \r\n\r\nLove, \r\n\r\nAgnes \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n------------------------------------------------------------\r\nMiss Agnes McHolstein \r\n69 Cash Avenue \r\nBeaver Meadow, Col. \r\nDecember 19 \r\nDear John: \r\n\r\nWhen I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. \r\n\r\nCordially, \r\n\r\nAgnes \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nMiss Agnes McHolstein \r\n69 Cash Avenue \r\nBeaver Meadow, Col. \r\nDecember 20 \r\nJohn: \r\n\r\nWhat's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird sh*t all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those f*cking birds! \r\n\r\nSincerely, \r\n\r\nAgnes \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n------------------------------------------------------------\r\nMiss Agnes McHolstein \r\n69 Cash Avenue \r\nBeaver Meadow, Col. \r\nDecember 21 \r\nOK Buster! \r\nI think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's sh*t all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. \r\n\r\nJust lay off me, smartass! \r\n\r\nAgnes \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nMiss Agnes McHolstein \r\n69 Cash Avenue \r\nBeaver Meadow, Col. \r\nDecember 22 \r\nHey Shithead: \r\nWhat are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me! \r\n\r\nYou'll get yours! \r\n\r\nAgnes \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nMiss Agnes McHolstein \r\n69 Cash Avenue \r\nBeaver Meadow, Col. \r\nDecember 23 \r\nYou Rotten Prick! \r\nNow there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of sh*t. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. \r\n\r\nI'm siccing the police on you. \r\n\r\nOne who means it!! \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nMiss Agnes McHolstein \r\n69 Cash Avenue \r\nBeaver Meadow, Col. \r\nDecember 24 \r\nListen F*ckhead: \r\nWhat's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine. \r\n\r\nYour sworn enemy, \r\n\r\nAgnes \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n------------------------------------------------------------\r\nLaw Offices \r\nBadger, Bender & Cajole \r\n303 Knave Street \r\nChicago, Ill. \r\nDecember 25 \r\nDear Sir: \r\nThis is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest. \r\n\r\nCordially, \r\n\r\nBadger, Bender & Cajole",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12439,
"title": "12 Days of Christmas, A Letter"
},
{
"body": "- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. \r\n\r\n- During your initial consultation, he tries to sell you Amway. \r\n\r\n- He tells you that his last good case was a \"Budweiser.\" \r\n\r\n- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. \r\n\r\n- He asks a hostile witness to \"pull my finger.\" \r\n\r\n- Every couple of minutes he yells, \"I call Jack Daniels to the stand!\" and proceeds to drink a shot. \r\n\r\n- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. \r\n\r\n- He places a large \"No Refunds\" sign on the defense table.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 12440,
"title": "You Know You Need A New Lawyer When..."
},
{
"body": "I went into the kitchen, and there was a tap on the window.\r\n\r\nNot using that plumber again!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12441,
"title": "Tap Tap Tap"
},
{
"body": "Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12442,
"title": "But 2 Wrights Made a Plane"
},
{
"body": "\"Is that right, that you Dubliners always answer a question with another question?\"\r\n\r\n\"Now, who would be telling you that?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12443,
"title": "The Irish Question"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nDustin\r\nDustin who?\r\nDust in the air, please let me in!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12454,
"title": "Dustin"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, when she didn't have enough food, she rang 911.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12455,
"title": "911"
},
{
"body": "WARNING: SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND THIS RACIST, ALTHOUGH I MEAN NO OFFENCE.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a Pakistani in a microwave?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBa-ding!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12457,
"title": "Microwave Pakistani"
},
{
"body": "A scientist is researching storms, so he goes out to find one. He takes his blonde assistant to help him find one. They drive for miles until they come to some plains.\r\n\r\nThey stop the car and the scientist tells the blonde to look out for tornados. After a few minutes, a cow flies past due to strong winds and the blonde says,\r\n\r\n\"Look! A flying cow!\"\r\n\r\nThe scientist writes this down on his notepad but as he does, the car gets swept away by a tornado.\r\n \r\nThe car lands in a ditch after the tornado had gone. The scientist got out and shouted at the blonde,\r\n\r\n\"I thought you were looking out for tornados!\"\r\n\r\n\"I was, but after I saw the cow, I was looking for the dish running away with the spoon.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12459,
"title": "Storm Research"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock! \r\n\r\nWho's There?\r\n\r\nCandy. \r\n\r\nCandy who? \r\n\r\nCandy door even open?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12460,
"title": "Candy"
},
{
"body": "Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? \r\n\r\nA: Ask your Mom.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 12461,
"title": "How to Produce Ugly Children"
},
{
"body": "A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology\r\nprofessor who had a knack of offending women. They decided\r\nthe next time he did something offensive they would all\r\nstand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very\r\nnext class meeting while discussing a tribe of African\r\nnatives, the professor leered and said, \"You'll be\r\ninterested to know the average tribal warrior there has a\r\ncock twelve inches long.\" \r\n\r\nThe girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door. \r\nThe professor sneered and said, \"What's your hurry, girls? The next flight to there isn't until Saturday!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12462,
"title": "Rising to the Occasion"
},
{
"body": "A gang of counterfeiters get a new extremely expensive printing machine, and at great expense, buy some plates, which they were assured were 99.9% perfect.\r\n\r\nThey buy a large consignment of paper which also was virtually identical to the real paper.\r\n\r\nGleefully, they switch on the machine and print a few off. They were delighted with the quality of the paper, the inks, and the printing itself - it would fool the best investigators in the whole world - if it wasn't for the fact that the notes were all \u00c2\u00a318 notes!\r\n\r\nWhat were they to do? Eventually, someone suggested going over to Ireland, and changing some of their \u00c2\u00a318 notes - those stupid Irish wouldn't realise they were being conned!\r\n\r\nA few days later, and they're in a small Irish pub in the back of beyond, and they ask if they could change one of their beautiful \u00c2\u00a318 notes.\r\n\r\n\"Sure, no problem,\" says the barman. \"Would you like 3 \u00c2\u00a36 notes or 2 \u00c2\u00a39?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12463,
"title": "Beautiful Money"
},
{
"body": "Lawyer: \"Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.\" \r\n\r\nJudge: \"And what is the nature of the new evidence?\" \r\n\r\nLawyer: \"Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 12466,
"title": "A Fresh Appeal"
},
{
"body": "- Only in America can a pizza guy get to your door faster than an ambulance. \r\n\r\n- Why do slow-down and slow-up mean the same thing? \r\n\r\n- Why are wise man and wise guy opposites? \r\n\r\n- Why is it that when stuff goes on a truck it's called a shipment and on a boat it's called cargo? \r\n\r\n- Why do we drive in a parkway and park in a driveway? \r\n\r\n- Why do we press harder on things when we know the batteries are dead?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12474,
"title": "Driven to Distraction"
},
{
"body": "A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. \r\n\r\nJust to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game; the optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. \r\n\r\nThat night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. \r\n\r\n\"Why are you crying?\" the father asked. \r\n\r\n\"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,\" answered the pessimist twin. \r\n\r\nPassing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. \"What are you so happy about?\" he asked. \r\n\r\nTo which his optimist twin replied, \"There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12477,
"title": "Fortune or Fortunate?"
},
{
"body": "An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel and so she began interviewing young lawyers.\r\n\r\n\"As I'm sure you can understand,\" she started off with one of the first applicants, \"in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.\" She leaned forward; \"Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?\"\r\n\r\n\"Honest?\" replied the job prospect. \"Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.\"\r\n\r\n\"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?\"\r\n\r\nHe squirmed in his seat and admitted, \"My dad sued me for the money.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 12478,
"title": "The Honest Lawyer"
},
{
"body": "A guy goes up to his best friend and says, \"Dude, I need you to do something for me, no questions asked.\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay,\" says the friend. \"What is it?\"\r\n\r\n\"I said no questions!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12479,
"title": "No Questions Please"
},
{
"body": "A girl was calling her boyfriend because he wasn't online and she wanted him to be. \r\n\r\n\"Hello?\" he said, groggily.\r\n\"I want you to get up and get your ass online.\" she said.\r\n\"How?\"\r\n\"I don't know. Get a scanner if you need to. Just get your ass online!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12480,
"title": "Online Status"
},
{
"body": "In a small southern town there was a \"Nativity Scene\" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.\r\n\r\nThe three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.\r\n\r\nTotally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a \"Quik Stop\" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, \"You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!\" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.\r\n\r\nShe jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face, she said, \"See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 12483,
"title": "The Nativity Scene"
},
{
"body": "Know why men are men and women are WOmen?\r\n\r\n\r\nMen keep saying -\r\nWO man, check out her boobs!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12484,
"title": "(wo)man"
},
{
"body": "There was a teenaged girl name Amanda, who just stepped out of the shower. She wrapped a towel around her body, and went into her room. She was very excited because her long time crush, Jason, was coming over to have dinner. She turned the radio on and her favorite song was playing, so she started to dance and sing. When the song was over she stopped dancing and realized that her towel had come off. She looked towards the door and saw that it was open, and Jason was standing there.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12486,
"title": "An Embarrassing Story"
},
{
"body": "You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.\r\n\r\nA cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:\r\n\r\n\"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889.\"\r\n\r\nPretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.\r\n\r\nNext, we rewrite the text:\r\n\r\n\"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.\r\n\r\n\"Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12487,
"title": "Great-great Uncle Remus"
},
{
"body": "A man woke up on his birthday and went downstairs expecting his wife to say \"Happy Birthday\" and to give him a nice breakfast. He found that his wife wasn't home and that no breakfast was made. He got a little upset as he drove his kid to school. The whole trip to school was silent. The man got more upset that nobody had remembered his birthday. After he dropped his kid off, he went to work. At work he was greeted by a friendly female co-worker. She said \"Happy Birthday\" to him and it made him smile. He told her that nobody had remembered his birthday so she suggested that the two of them go out to eat together to brighten him up. They sat down and ate at a nice resturaunt and afterwards she suggested that they go to her place. The man agreed and when they got there she told him that she was going to slip into something a little more comfortable. A few minutes later she came out of her room dressed exactly the same and she was followed by the man's wife and friends all saying surprise. The man was sitting there, naked, on the couch...",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12488,
"title": "Unpleasant Birthday"
},
{
"body": "With over %d jokes submitted and ranked by users like you, Wocka has the largest collection anywhere on the internet. All of these jokes have been submitted by user like you. Join our community and chat with your fellow commedians and jokers.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12490,
"title": "Community of Comedians and Jokers"
},
{
"body": "An active message board with hundreds of topics in which to participate.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12491,
"title": "Public Forums"
},
{
"body": "Send private messages to your friends.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12492,
"title": "Private Messages"
},
{
"body": "First click the Community button.\r\nThen click the Public Fourum button.\r\nThe first forum is for writing jokes. \r\nDiscuss how to write funny jokes here.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12493,
"title": "Writing Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Have a funny story? Share it here.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12494,
"title": "Funny Stories"
},
{
"body": "Play or chat about games in here.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12495,
"title": "Games"
},
{
"body": "Talk about anything you want here.\r\n\r\nO.K. I will. You really need to quit submitting jokes like this. Anybody agree with me?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12496,
"title": "General Discussion"
},
{
"body": "TV, Movies, Music, Books...",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12497,
"title": "Entertainment"
},
{
"body": "A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, \"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?\"\r\n\r\nThe husband replied, \"All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.\"\r\n\r\nThen, as the wife undressed, she asked, \"What are you thinking now?\"\r\n\r\nHe replied, \"It looks as if I did a pretty good job.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12499,
"title": "What Do You Think"
},
{
"body": "\"Emily, I don't know what to do,\" Gloria said to her friend at work. \"That good-looking Alan in accounting asked me out for Saturday night. Should I go?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, my gosh,\" her friend exclaimed. \"He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!\"\r\n\r\n\"What should I do?\"\r\n\r\n\"Wear an old dress.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 12501,
"title": "Going On A Date"
},
{
"body": "These guidelines are not hard rules for submitting acceptable jokes, but they will help you submit a jokes that the most people will enjoy and rank highly, thus increasing your score.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12502,
"title": "Joke Submission Style Guidelines"
},
{
"body": "We highly encourage you to do a quick spell check of your joke before submitting it. You can easily do this by copying and pasting the joke into Microsoft Word or some other program that can spell check the text from your joke. Also, you can use Dictionary.com to look up difficult words and how to spell them. Jokes with numerous spelling errors reduce their enjoyability and get lower scores than jokes that are error free.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12503,
"title": "Spelling"
},
{
"body": "Using proper punctuation, grammar, and spacing is highly recommended because it makes your jokes readable and understandable. If people are having a hard time understanding your jokes, they will be rated poorly and your score will suffer because of it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12504,
"title": "Proper Grammar"
},
{
"body": "Please properly capitalize the title of the joke and each sentence within the joke. Proper names should also be capitalized.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12505,
"title": "Capitalization"
},
{
"body": "Please choose and acceptable rating for the joke(G=for all ages; PG=mild PG-13=really violent R=Explicit) before you submit it. People of different ages and preferences read different jokes on this website. If you give a G rating to a dirty joke, some users may get upset and rank your joke poorly. For more information, please read our FAQ.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12506,
"title": "Ratings"
},
{
"body": "Try to refrain from referring to this website or the users of this website in the jokes you post on Wocka. This is mainly because most of the people who read the jokes might not understand the reference to a particular person and they will rate the joke poorly because they do not understand it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12507,
"title": "References"
},
{
"body": "Please do not submit jokes that are copyrighted by someone else. Or ask for permission from the author before you use copyrighted jokes.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12508,
"title": "Copyright Violations"
},
{
"body": "To add a joke to this list:\r\nClick the \"Add to My Favorites\" link when you are viewing a joke.\r\nTo get rid of one of your favorite jokes:\r\nGo to your favorite jokes page.\r\nNext to each joke there is a garbage can icon. \r\nClick on the icon to get rid of that joke from your favorite's page.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12510,
"title": "Your Favorite Jokes"
},
{
"body": "This list shows all your Wocka Buddies.\r\n\r\nTo add someone to this list:\r\nFirst, find your buddy and click on their name. This brings up their profile.\r\nThen, in the Buddy list box it will say \r\n\r\nAdd _______ to your buddy list.\r\n__ people have _______ listed as their buddy.\r\n______ has ___ people has their buddies.\r\n\r\nClick on:\r\nAdd _______ to your buddy list.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12511,
"title": "My Buddies"
},
{
"body": "\"I'm really too tired and unable to do my home work,\" the son protested to his father. \r\n\r\n\"Now my son, hard work has never killed any one yet, at least not at your age.\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, but I don't want to run the risk of being the first!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12512,
"title": "Cliche Turned Back"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nTex \r\n\r\nTex who? \r\n\r\nTex two to tango.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12513,
"title": "Tex"
},
{
"body": "Why do they call it \"drug abuse\" when the person \"abusing the drugs\" then ends up with half of his brain being rendered useless?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12514,
"title": "Drug Abuse"
},
{
"body": "There were two high school friends, Artie and Dominick, who did everything together, and were the absolute best of friends. Then they went off to different colleges and were separated for several years. \r\nOne day, however, Artie was sitting and a bar and looks over and sees his old friend Dominic.\r\n\"Dominic?\" he shouts.\r\n\"Artie?\" Dominic replied.\r\nObviously they were happy to see each other again, and spent a long time catching up on old times. Along the course of the conversation, Artie asked Dominick what he did as a career.\r\n\"I'm an inventor,\" Dominic said.\r\n\"Wow,\" said Artie, \"you must be loaded!\"\r\n\"Well, I would be, except my wife spends all my money. I really hate her and wish she were dead!\"\r\n\"Well, hey,\" Artie said, \"I'm a hit man! I can knock her off for ya!\"\r\nDominick was pleased with this idea, and offered Artie a great deal of money to do this. Artie, however would not take it, saying that it would be free for his best friend. Dominick felt bad about this, and kept trying to pay SOMETHING to Artie, but he refused. Finally Dominic said, \"Listen, let me pay you, all right? Just a dollar, okay? A dollar to say that I paid you. Please?\" Finally, Artie agreed to the cost of one dollar, and the plans were made.\r\nLater, while Dominic was away, Artie went to his house and strangled his wife. Just as she died, the butler walked into the room, so Artie strangled him as well. Seconds after his death, in walked the maid, so once again, he was forced to strangle another person. Finally, after she was dead, he raced out of the house and down the street, but was caught by the police.\r\n\r\nNext day the headlines read:\r\n\r\nARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12516,
"title": "Hey, Dominic!"
},
{
"body": "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.\r\n\r\nI got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing.\r\n\r\nI was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said, \"pet supplies.\" So I did.\r\n\r\nOne time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.\r\n\r\nI went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.\r\n\r\nI'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.\r\n\r\nI was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.\r\n\r\nMy roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12517,
"title": "Steve Wright I"
},
{
"body": "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.\r\n\r\nIf toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?\r\n\r\nLast year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.\r\n\r\nThere's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.\r\n\r\nI didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.\r\n\r\nI used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.\r\n\r\nI saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.\r\n\r\nI saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12518,
"title": "Steve Wright II"
},
{
"body": "I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.\r\n\r\nI bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.\r\n\r\nI hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.\r\n\r\nI replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.\r\n\r\nI watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.\r\n\r\nI had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.\r\n\r\nMy neighbour has a circular driveway... He can't get out.\r\n\r\nI used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12519,
"title": "Steve Wright III"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat she wanted to go shopping for a new belt so she reached into the sky, then pulled off one of Saturn's rings and said, \"Yep! Perfect fit.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12520,
"title": "Yo Momma is So Fat"
},
{
"body": "When I fly, I go Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one-way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.\r\n\r\nIf you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?\r\n\r\nI broke a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.\r\n\r\nIf the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!\r\n\r\nI was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.\r\n\r\nThe other day, when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.\r\n\r\nIt doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature.\r\n\r\nI have a very rare photograph. It shows Houdini locking his keys in his car.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12521,
"title": "Steve Wright IV"
},
{
"body": "A male teen walks up to his uncle.\r\n\"Where's Aunt Rhodie?\" said the teen.\r\n\"In the living room,\" said his uncle.\r\nThe teen walks to the door.\r\n\"I wouldnt go in there if I were you,\" said the uncle, \"they're talking about female things.\"\r\nThe male teen walks in anyway -\r\n(a moment in the hall passes) -\r\nthe teen comes out all grossed out.\r\n\"What's wrong?\" said the uncle.\r\n\"I thought you meant SHOES!\" said the teen.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12522,
"title": "Talk"
},
{
"body": "I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.\r\n\r\nWinny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.\r\n\r\nI was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: \"Lost - $50. If found, just keep it.\"\r\n\r\nI bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.\r\n\r\nThe brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.\r\n\r\nThe sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.\r\n\r\nSome people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk.\r\n\r\nI was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12523,
"title": "Steve Wright V"
},
{
"body": "I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.\r\n\r\nI installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!\r\n\r\nAll of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, \"Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.\"\r\n\r\nIn my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, \"Cut it out.\"\r\n\r\nAll the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.\r\n\r\nI put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. \"It was supposed to be hot today.\"\r\n\r\nI was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. \"We're surrounded.\"\r\n\r\nI put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12524,
"title": "Steve Wright VI"
},
{
"body": "Have you ever heard of the Gay Mafia? No?\r\n\r\nIf you don't pay up, they come round your house, and criticize your curtains!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12525,
"title": "The Gay Mafia"
},
{
"body": "An English teacher wrote this phrase on the board and asked her students to properly punctuate it: \r\n\r\n\"Woman without her man is nothing.\" \r\n\r\nMEN WROTE: Woman, without her man, is nothing. \r\n\r\nWOMEN WROTE: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12526,
"title": "How to Punctuate"
},
{
"body": "Here are some favorite sayings from people all over the world.\r\n\r\nDoctor: Oops.\r\n\r\nSecretary: I'm pregnant!\r\n\r\nTravel Agent: I know what you did last summer...\r\n\r\nMichael Jackson: I didn't do it!\r\n\r\nBill Clinton: I didn't do it! Oh wait...Yes, I did.\r\n\r\nComputer Programmer: H0w d0 y0u w0rk th15 \"Ch355\" g4m3?? 1 N33D H3LP!!!111//\r\n\r\nPilot: Are we there yet?\r\n\r\nMad Scientist: I like Cows!\r\n\r\nCell Phone Tester: Can you hear me now?\r\n\r\nVideo Gamer: Can the line lag any further?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12529,
"title": "Occupation Punchlines"
},
{
"body": "Q: What to you call it when your pet jackrabbit dies?\r\n\r\nA: A bad \"Hare\" day",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12536,
"title": "Jackrabbit"
},
{
"body": "A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands. \"Carl,\" she says. Carl says, \"My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious.\" \"Very good,\" says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, \"The atmosphere was contagious.\" The teacher says, \"Excellent, Suzie!\" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. \"Yes, Johnny?\"she says. Johnny replies, \"The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12537,
"title": "Contagious"
},
{
"body": "How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12538,
"title": "Who's On First Thing?"
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken cross the road?\r\n\r\nThere weren't any cars coming!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12540,
"title": "Chickens are Cool"
},
{
"body": "There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfie. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.\r\n\r\nTheir choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged, so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened, so they set him free.\r\n\r\nThe guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.\r\n\r\nNext it was the Newfie's turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said, \"I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12542,
"title": "These Three Guys"
},
{
"body": "There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, \"Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!\"\r\n\r\nAfter a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, \"Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!\"\r\n\r\nAnd then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, \"Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!\"\r\n\r\nThe driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet, as this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was $300.\r\n\r\nThe Japanese man exclaimed, \"Wah... so expensive!\"\r\n\r\nThe driver yelled back, \"Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12544,
"title": "Very Fast!"
},
{
"body": "These four guys were walking down the street; a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. \r\n\r\nA reporter comes running up and says, \"Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?\"\r\n\r\nThe Saudi says, \"What's 'shortage'?\"\r\n\r\nThe Russian says, \"What's 'meat'?\"\r\n\r\nThe North Korean says, \"What's 'opinion'?\"\r\n\r\nThe New Yorker, says, \"'Excuse me'? What's 'excuse me'?\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 12545,
"title": "Unfamiliar With the Term"
},
{
"body": "An old Native American wanted a loan of $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, \"What are you going to do with the money?\"\r\n\r\n\"Take jewelry to city and sell it,\" said the old man.\r\n\r\n\"What have you got for collateral?\" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.\r\n\r\n\"Don't know of collateral.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup.\"\r\n\r\nThe banker shook his head, \"How about livestock?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I have a horse.\"\r\n\r\n\"How old is it?\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't know; it has no teeth.\"\r\n\r\nFinally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.\r\n\r\nSeveral weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, \"Here's the money to pay loan,\" he said, handing the entire amount including interest.\r\n\r\n\"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?\"\r\n\r\n\"Put it in my pocket.\"\r\n\r\n\"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?\" he asked.\r\n\r\n\"I don't know of deposit.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.\"\r\n\r\nThe old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, \"What you got for collateral?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12546,
"title": "Native American Trader"
},
{
"body": ".\r\nWhen young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. \"And the Americans, they are so friendly!\" he concluded.\r\n\r\n\"Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, 'Jose, can you see?'\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12547,
"title": "Welcome to America"
},
{
"body": ".\r\nWe yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car. \r\n\r\nWe whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs. \r\n\r\nWe yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour. \r\n\r\nAmericans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. \r\n\r\nWe know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the \"Star Spangled Banner\". \r\n\r\nWe'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time. \r\n\r\nWe tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild. \r\n\r\nWe will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm. \r\n\r\nIn the office we talk about baseball, shopping, or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall, or on the lake, we talk about business. \r\n\r\nWe are the only people in the world who will pay $8.00 to park our car while eating a $5.00 sandwich. \r\n\r\nWe're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it. \r\n\r\nWe run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power. \r\n\r\nWe're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.\r\n\r\nWe have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12548,
"title": "Defining the Americans"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, \"If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?\" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hamster. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The hamster stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.\r\n\r\nAfter the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, \"If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?\" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the hamster's music.\r\n\r\nWhile the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. \"Sorry,\" the man replies, \"He's not for sale.\" The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. \"No,\" he insists, \"He's not for sale.\" The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.\r\n\r\n\"Are you insane?\" the bartender demanded. \"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!\" \"Don't worry about it.\" the man answered. \"The frog was really nothing special. You see, the hamster's a ventriloquist.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12549,
"title": "Frog in My Throat!"
},
{
"body": "A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.\r\n\r\nThe head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.\r\n\r\n\"Tell me,\" said he, \"if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?\"\r\n\r\nThe inmate said, \"It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released I shall confine myself to work in pure theory; where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.\"\r\n\r\n\"Marvelous,\" said the head of the institution.\r\n\r\n\"Or else,\" ruminated the inmate, \"I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.\"\r\n\r\n\"Absolutely,\" said the head.\r\n\r\n\"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.\"\r\n\r\n\"An interesting possibility,\" said the head.\r\n\r\n\"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 12550,
"title": "Or I Might Write"
},
{
"body": "Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. \r\n\r\n\"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,\" says the beaming boy to his father. \r\n\r\n\"Nope,\" comes dad's reply, \"I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12551,
"title": "New Driver"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\n*silence*",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12552,
"title": "Prankster"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a black priest?\r\nHoly Shit",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12553,
"title": "A Priest"
},
{
"body": "With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. \r\n\r\nWhen she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. \"May we see the new baby?\" one of them asked. \r\n\r\n\"Not yet,\" said the mother. \"I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.\" \r\n\r\nAnother half hour passed before another relative asked, \"May we see the new baby now?\" \r\n\r\n\"No, not yet,\" said the mother. \r\n\r\nA while later and again the guests asked, \"May we see the baby now?\" \r\n\r\n\"No, not yet,\" replied the mother. \r\n\r\nGrowing impatient, they asked, \"Well, when can we see the baby?\" \r\n\r\n\"When she cries!\" she told them. \r\n\r\n\"When she cries?\" they gasped. \"Why do we have to wait until she cries?\" \r\n\r\n\"Because, I forgot where I put her.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12554,
"title": "For Crying Out Loud"
},
{
"body": "TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday? \r\nSTUDENT: Seven.\r\nTEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?\r\nSTUDENT: Nine.\r\nTEACHER: That's impossible.\r\nSTUDENT: No it isn't, teacher. I'm eight today. \r\n\r\n**********************************************************\r\n\r\nTEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.\r\nGEORGE: Here it is!\r\nTEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?\r\nCLASS: George!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12555,
"title": "Classroom Smarts"
},
{
"body": "God went to the Arabs and said, \"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.\" \r\n\r\nAnd the Arabs asked, \"What are Commandments?\" \r\n\r\nAnd the Lord said, \"They are rules for living.\" \r\n\r\n\"Can you give us an example?\" \r\n\r\n\"Thou shalt not kill.\" \r\n\r\n\"Not kill? We're not interested.\" \r\n\r\nSo he went to the Blacks and said, \"I have Commandments.\" \r\n\r\nAnd the Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, \"Honor thy Father and Mother.\" \r\n\r\n\"Father? We don't know who our fathers are.\" \r\n\r\nSo He went to the Mexicans and said, \"I have Commandments.\" \r\n\r\nAnd the Mexicans wanted an example, and the Lord said, \"Thou shalt not steal.\" \r\n\r\n\"Not steal? We're not interested.\" \r\n\r\nHe went to the French and said, \"I have Commandments.\"\r\n\r\nThe French wanted an example and the Lord said, \"Thou shalt not commit adultery.\" \r\n\r\n\"Not commit adultery? We're not interested.\"\r\n\r\nHe went to the Jews and said, \"I have Commandments.\" \r\n\r\n\"Commandments?\" they said, \"How much are they?\" \r\n\r\n\"They're free.\"\r\n\r\n\"We'll take 10.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 12557,
"title": "HOW THE JEWS GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS"
},
{
"body": "This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.\r\n\r\nHe asked how often you should have it.\r\n\r\nHis grandfather told him, \"When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day.\r\nLater on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.\r\nThen, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.\r\nWhen you get really old,you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary.\"\r\n\r\nThe young fellow then asks his grandfather,\r\n\r\n\"Well, how about you and Grandma now?\"\r\n\r\nHis grandfather replied,\"Oh, we just have oral sex now.\"\r\n\r\n\"What's oral sex?\" the young fellow asked.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" Grandpa said, \"she goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom. \r\n\r\nShe yells,'Screw You!'\r\n\r\nand I holler back,'Screw You too!'\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12558,
"title": "Age and Sex"
},
{
"body": "The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed that a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. \r\n\r\nAs he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, twin brothers, who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. \r\n\r\nHe looked at the first young man and asked, \"Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?\" \r\n\r\nThe young man looks at him and says, \"I'm a pilot!\" \r\n\r\nThe general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, \"Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!\" \r\n\r\nThe aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, \"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?\" \r\n\r\nThe young man says, \"I chop wood!\" \"Son,\" the general replies, \"we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?\" \r\n\r\n\"I chop wood!\" \r\n\r\n\"Young man,\" huffs the general, \"you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" the young man says, \"you hired my brother!\" \r\n\r\n\"Of course we did,\" says the general, \"he's a pilot!\" \r\n\r\nThe young man rolls his eyes and says, \"So what? I have to chop it before he can pile it!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12559,
"title": "Chopper Pilot"
},
{
"body": "An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere in Nevada when his car breaks down. He examines it and finds that a technician must be called, but the chief has only $4 and no credit card. So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: \"Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!\" The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure of its meaning, signals back - once again, with smoke: \r\n\r\n\"OK, chief, but why so much?\" \r\n\r\nAt this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky. The tribe signals: \r\n\r\n\"Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, no need to get mad!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12560,
"title": "Send Me the Money!"
},
{
"body": "The following are headlines that *might* have appeared in papers in the aftermath of Little Bighorn -\r\n\r\nVariety: \"Custer Closes Out of Town\"\r\n\r\nPravda: \"Big Red Victory\"\r\n\r\nSports Illustrated: \"Indians Win Series\"\r\n\r\nWomen's Wear Daily: \"Feathers Make Comeback\"\r\n\r\nReader's Digest: \"Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff\"\r\n\r\nThe Washington Post: \"Custer Loses Rural Vote\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 12561,
"title": "Headlines, July 1876"
},
{
"body": "An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. \r\n\r\nThe message for the B-52 crew was, \"Anything you can do, I can do better.\"\r\n\r\nNot to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52, however, continued its flight, straight and level.\r\n\r\nPerplexed, the fighter pilot asked, \"I'm waiting, what are you going to do?\" \r\n\r\n\"We just shut down two engines.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12562,
"title": "Anything You Can Do"
},
{
"body": "A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear - no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, \"Halt, who goes there?\" \r\n\r\nThe chauffeur, a corporal, says, \"General Wheeler.\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield.\" \r\n\r\nThe general said, \"Drive on!\" \r\n\r\nThe sentry said, \"Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.\" \r\n\r\nThe general repeated, \"I'm telling you, son, drive on!\" \r\n\r\nThe sentry walked up to the rear window and said, \"General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12563,
"title": "Oooooh, No, You Can't Come In"
},
{
"body": "A soldier had lost his bayonet and whittled one from wood so he could stand inspection. He was hoping not to be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At an inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, \"Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it.\" The officer insisted he hand over the bayonet. Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and declared, \"May the Lord change this bayonet to wood for breaking my vow.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12564,
"title": "Upon My Honour"
},
{
"body": "Two blond labourers looking for work arrive at a railway station, and ask for one-way tickets. The ticket-seller looks through his schedule, but can't find the place the blonds are seeking.\r\n\r\n\"But you must be able to find it,\" says one.\r\n\r\n\"We read in the papers that there are thousands of jobs in Jeopardy!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12565,
"title": "Where Is It, Then?"
},
{
"body": "Q: What happens when you pour boiling water on a bunny?\r\n\r\nA: A hot cross-buniken!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12566,
"title": "Hot Bunny"
},
{
"body": "A parachute used once, but has never been open!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12567,
"title": "Parachute"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock!\r\n\r\nWho's There? \r\n\r\nEileen. \r\n\r\nEileen who? \r\n\r\nEileen on the door until you open it",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12569,
"title": "Eileen"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's cooking so bad, she's got a toothbrush next to her plate instead of a knife!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12570,
"title": "Cooking"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny's mum was sitting in front of computer while Johnny was making sandwiches. She said to Johhny, \"You're the best sandwich maker ever,\" and Johnny says \"No mum, you're just lazy.\"\r\n\r\n\r\nhahahahahahahahahahaha",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12571,
"title": "Johnny's Lunch"
},
{
"body": "Why did the boy buy a new bum?\r\n\r\n\r\nCoz his had a crack in it.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12573,
"title": "New Bum"
},
{
"body": "My mum told me that picking my nose was disgusting,\r\nand from now on, I had to pick it myself.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 12574,
"title": "Nose Picker"
},
{
"body": "I was talking to my sister's boyfriend one day and I asked him if prettyful was a word. \r\n He said, \"Well, I use it a lot. Whenever I've just eaten and someone asks me if I'm hungry, I say 'I'm pretty full.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12575,
"title": "Pretty Full"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock \r\nWho's there? \r\ncan't catch.\r\ncan't catch who? \r\nme, you can't catch me!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12580,
"title": "Can't Catch"
},
{
"body": "This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over.\r\n\r\n\"You got any I.D.?\" the patrolman asked.\r\n\r\n\"'Bout what?\" the hillbilly replied.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 12582,
"title": "Stopping the Hillbilly"
},
{
"body": "A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The \"disturbance\" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.\r\n\r\nSaid the policeman, \"I'll bet that you're also an escape artist - probably better than Houdini.\"\r\n\r\nThe giant nodded.\r\n\r\n\"If I had some chains,\" the deputy continued, \"you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?\"\r\n\r\nOnce in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. \"I can't get out of these,\" the giant growled.\r\n\r\n\"Are you sure?\" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. \"Nope,\" he replied. \"I can't do it.\"\r\n\r\n\"In that case,\" said the deputy, \"you're under arrest.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12584,
"title": "Gotcha!"
},
{
"body": "A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!\r\n\r\nFinally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.\r\n\r\nUpon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said \"Why did you put up such a fight?\"\r\n\r\nTo which the man replied, \"I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12585,
"title": "Why the Big Fight?"
},
{
"body": "The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME. \r\n\r\nFBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. \r\n\r\nThe following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. \r\n\r\nAgent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. \r\n\r\nPizza man: And where would you like them delivered? \r\n\r\nAgent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. \r\n\r\nPizza man: The psychiatric hospital? \r\n\r\nAgent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. \r\n\r\nPizza man: You're an FBI agent? \r\n\r\nAgent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. \r\n\r\nPizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? \r\n\r\nAgent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. \r\n\r\nPizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents? \r\n\r\nAgent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? \r\n\r\nPizza man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? \r\n\r\nAgent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. \r\n\r\nPizza man: How are you going to pay for all of this? \r\n\r\nAgent: I have my checkbook right here. \r\n\r\nPizza man: And you're all FBI agents? \r\n\r\nAgent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. \r\n\r\nPizza man: I don't think so. \r\n\r\n** Click **",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12586,
"title": "F.B.I. Phone Logs"
},
{
"body": "Man: \"How's your history paper coming?\"\r\n\r\nWoman: \"Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful.\"\r\n\r\nMan: \"Really?\"\r\n\r\nWoman: \"Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 12587,
"title": "The Internet"
},
{
"body": "Here is a collection of freshman history bloopers collected by a Canadian history professor (Anders Henrickson) over the years.\r\n\r\nWorld War I broke out around 1912-1914. Germany was on one side of France and Russia was on the other. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia. Communism raged among the peasants, and the civil war 'team colours' were red and white.\r\n\r\nGermany was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler. Germany was morbidly over-excited and unbalanced. Berlin became the decadent capital, where all forms of sexual deprivations were practised. A huge anti-semantic movement arose. Attractive slogans like \"death to all Jews\" were used by government groups. Hitler remilitarized the Rhineland over a squirmish between Germany and France.\r\n\r\nThe appeasers were blinded by the great red of the Soviets. Moosealini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out in two world wars, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.\r\n\r\nAccording to Fromm, individuation began historically in medieval times. This was a period of small childhood. There is increasing experience as adolescence experiences its life development. The last stage is us.\r\nA new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Nationalism aided Itally because nationalism is the growth of an army. We can see that nationalism succeeded for Itally because of France's big army. Napoleam III-IV mounted the French thrown. One thinks of Napoleon III as a live extension of the late but great, Napoleon. Here too was the new Germany: loud, bold, vulgar and full of reality.\r\n\r\nCulture fomented from Europe's tip to its top. Richard Strauss, who was violent but methodical like his wife made him, plunged into vicious and perverse plays. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and people did not forget his contribution. When he died they labeled his seat \"historical\". Other countries had their own artists. France had Chekhov.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 12588,
"title": "Student Errers (Sic) I"
},
{
"body": "Here is a collection of freshman history bloopers collected by a Canadian history professor (Anders Henrickson) over the years.\r\n\r\nAfter the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgundy, central Europe and India thus serrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years.\r\n\r\nLouise XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes only to humour Peter the Great. Peter filled his goverment with accidental people and built a new capital near the European boarder. Orthodox priests became government antennae.\r\n\r\nThe enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare wrote a book called Candy that got him into trouble with Frederick the Great. Philosophers were unknown as yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious toleration slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution evolved through republican and tolarian phases until it catapulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.\r\n\r\nHistory, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815. Throughout the comparatively radical years 1815-1870 the western European continent was undergoing a Rampant period of economic modification. Industrialisation was precipitating in England.\r\n\r\nProblems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a city population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose.\r\n\r\nGreat Brittian, the USA and other European countries had demicratic leanings. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and anal parliment. Voting was to be done by ballad.",
"category": "College",
"id": 12589,
"title": "Student Errors (Sic) II"
},
{
"body": "Here is a collection of freshman history bloopers collected by a Canadian history professor (Anders Henrickson) over the years.\r\n\r\nDuring the Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state were cooperatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords and surfs. It is unfortunate that we do not have a medivel European laid out on a table before us, ready for dissection.\r\n\r\nAfter a revival of infantile commerce slowly creeoed into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside.\r\n\r\nMideval people were violent. Murder during this Period was nothing. Everybody killed someone. England fought numerously for land in France and ended up wining and losing. The Crusades were a series of military expaditions made by Christians seeking to free the holy land (the \"Home Town\" of Christ) from the Islams.\r\n\r\nIn the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose. Finally Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plague is a social disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse and other etceteras. It was spread from port to port by infected rats. Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also helped the emergance of the English language as the national language of England, France and Italy.\r\n\r\nThe Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world thanks to Northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Art was on a more associated level. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out of their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.\r\n\r\nThe Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes were going to Papal France or the Pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. Traditions had become oppressive so they too were crushed in the wake of man's quest for ressurection above the not-just-social beast he had become. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Calvinism was the most convenient religion since the days of the ancients. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.",
"category": "College",
"id": 12590,
"title": "Student Errers (Sic) III"
},
{
"body": "I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked \"Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work.\" \r\n\r\nI looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12591,
"title": "New Pet Device"
},
{
"body": "A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman. \r\n\r\nThe body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back. \r\n\r\nThe on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman. \r\n\r\nThe detective responded, \"I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12592,
"title": "Investigating a Homicide"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock! \r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nMaida. \r\n\r\nMaida who? \r\n\r\nMaida force be with you!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12593,
"title": "Maida"
},
{
"body": "The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.\r\n\r\nThree kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.\r\n\r\nThe dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.\r\n\r\nTo remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.\r\n\r\nThe process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.\r\n\r\nA magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.\r\n\r\nThe Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.\r\n\r\nThe cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.\r\n\r\nTo collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.\r\n\r\nParallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.\r\n\r\nAlgebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.\r\n\r\nGeometry teaches us to bisex angles.\r\n\r\nA circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.\r\n\r\nThe pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.",
"category": "College",
"id": 12596,
"title": "Student Errors (Sic) IV"
},
{
"body": "The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.\r\n\r\nWe believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.\r\n\r\nEnglish sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.\r\n\r\nBy self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.\r\n\r\nIf conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.\r\n\r\nVegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.\r\n\r\nA super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.\r\n\r\nA triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.\r\n\r\nBlood flows down one leg and up the other.\r\n\r\nA person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.\r\n\r\nThe hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.\r\n\r\nWhen you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.\r\n\r\nIt is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.\r\n\r\nHumans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.",
"category": "College",
"id": 12597,
"title": "Student Errers (Sic) V"
},
{
"body": "For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.\r\n\r\nFor fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.\r\n\r\nFor dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.\r\n\r\nFor nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.\r\n\r\nFor drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.\r\n\r\nTo remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.\r\n\r\nFor head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.\r\n\r\nFor snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.\r\n\r\nFor asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.\r\n\r\nBefore giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.\r\n\r\nBar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.\r\n\r\nWhen water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.\r\n\r\nWhen you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.",
"category": "College",
"id": 12598,
"title": "Student Errors (Sic) VI"
},
{
"body": "Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.\r\nSenior: Is never out of bed before noon.\r\n\r\nFreshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.\r\nSenior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.\r\n\r\nFreshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.\r\nSenior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.\r\n\r\nFreshman: Calls the professor \"Teacher.\"\r\nSenior: Calls the professor \"Bob.\"\r\n\r\nFreshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.\r\nSenior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.\r\n\r\nFreshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.\r\nSenior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.\r\n\r\nFreshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.\r\nSenior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.\r\n\r\nFreshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.\r\nSenior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.\r\n\r\nFreshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.\r\nSenior: Has own personal workstation.\r\n\r\nFreshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.\r\nSenior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.\r\n\r\nFreshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.\r\nSenior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.\r\n\r\nFreshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm\r\nSenior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm\r\n\r\nFreshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night\r\nSenior: Calls Domino's every other night\r\n\r\nFreshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors\r\nSenior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer\r\n\r\nFreshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions\r\nSenior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night\r\n\r\nFreshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus\r\nSenior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house\r\n\r\nFreshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society\r\nSenior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room\r\n\r\nFreshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class\r\nSenior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class",
"category": "College",
"id": 12599,
"title": "Freshmen Versus Seniors"
},
{
"body": "Have you noticed since most people have a camcorder these days there are not as many people talking about seeing UFOs as there use to be?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12601,
"title": "Have You Seen Any UFOs Lately?"
},
{
"body": "Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following: \r\n\r\nThank you for calling heaven. \r\n\r\nFor English press 1\r\nFor Spanish press 2\r\nFor all other languages, press 3 \r\n\r\nPlease select one of the following options:\r\nPress 1 for request\r\nPress 2 for thanksgiving\r\nPress 3 for complaints\r\nPress 4 for all others \r\n\r\nI am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. \r\n\r\nIf you would like to speak to: \r\n\r\nGod, press 1\r\nJesus, press 2\r\nHoly spirit, press 3 \r\n\r\nTo find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign. \r\n\r\n(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666) \r\n\r\nFor reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16. \r\n\r\nFor answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics. \r\n\r\nOur computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow. \r\n\r\nThe office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. \r\n\r\nIf you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor. \r\n\r\nThank you and have a heavenly day.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 12603,
"title": "Heavenly Voice Mail"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock! \r\n\r\nWho's There?\r\n\r\nAbbott.\r\n\r\nAbbott who?\r\n\r\nAbbott time you answered the door!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12604,
"title": "Abbott"
},
{
"body": "A man is walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP.. BUMP... behind him \r\n\r\nWalking faster he looks back and can make out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him \r\n\r\n...BUMP, \r\n\r\nit goes.. ...BUMP.. \r\n\r\n...BUMP.. \r\n\r\nTerrified, the man begins to run towards his house, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him.. \r\n\r\nFaster.. \r\n\r\nFASTER.. \r\n\r\nBUMP.. \r\n\r\nBUMP.. \r\n\r\nBUMP! \r\n\r\nHe runs up to the door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.. \r\n\r\nHowever, the coffin crashes through the door - its lid clapping dementedly.. Clappity-BUMP.. \r\n\r\nClappity-BUMP.. \r\n\r\nClappity-BUMP.. \r\n\r\nHot on the heels of the terrified man.. \r\n\r\nRushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is mixed with sobs and gasps.. \r\n\r\nWith a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. \r\n\r\nBumping and clapping towards him.. \r\n\r\nThe man screams and reaches for something, anything... \r\n\r\nbut all he can find is a bottle of Benylin in the medicine cabinet.. Desperate, he throws the bottle at the coffin.. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n...the coffin stops!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12605,
"title": "The Coffin"
},
{
"body": "1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed.\r\n2. All Polar Bears are left-handed.\r\n3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar Bear.\r\n\r\n1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles.\r\n2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles.\r\n3. Work stuffs up your eyesight.\r\n\r\n1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second.\r\n2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second.\r\n3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12606,
"title": "The Results of Statistics Show . . ."
},
{
"body": "Aig - What a hen lays.\r\nAints - He's got aints in his paints.\r\nPaints - What cha put on your laigs of a morning.\r\nArn - Ma's tard of arnin.\r\nBag - He bagged her to marry him.\r\nBobbed - A bobbed wire fence.\r\nBresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.\r\nBub - the light bub burned out.\r\nCheer - What you set in.\r\nCrick - A small stream.\r\nClum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon.\r\nChiny - country over in Asia.\r\nChuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes.\r\nCore - He got hisself a new Ford core.\r\nCyow - Animal on Farm.\r\nDeppity - He helps out the shurf..\r\nDribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt.\r\nDainz - Satidy night social.\r\nEllum - A graceful tree.\r\nFanger - What you put your rang on.\r\nFaince - Whats round the hawg lot.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 12607,
"title": "How to Talk Native Southern I"
},
{
"body": "Far - What get the brandin arn hot.\r\nFurred - He got furred from his job.\r\nFlar - A rose is a purdy flar.\r\nFrash - Them aigs ain't frash.\r\nFuriners - All non-'bamans.\r\nFurther - Hits ten miles further to town.\r\nGrain - She was grain with envy.\r\nHail - Where bad folks go.\r\nHep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.\r\nHern - It aint hern, it's his'n.\r\nHilbilly - People in the next county.\r\nHollar \u00e2\u0080\u0093 What's between the hills.\r\nHard - Got a brend new hard.\r\nTar - His core blew a tar.\r\nLaymun - A sour fruit.\r\nLaig - Most folks have two of them.\r\nLather - What you climb up.\r\nLiberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin. \r\nMailk - what you get from cyows.\r\nMere - What you see yourself in.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 12608,
"title": "How to Talk Native Southern II"
},
{
"body": "Minners - Live bait.\r\nMisrus - Married woman.\r\nNar - Opposite of wide.\r\nNayk - Your head sets on it.\r\nNup \u00e2\u0080\u0093 No.\r\nOrrel - Them hinges need orrel.\r\nOrmy - What the sojers go in.\r\nPank - A light red color.\r\nParch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow.\r\nPetition - What separate the rooms.\r\nPoke - A paper bag or sack.\r\nPokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in.\r\nSalit - A green vegetable.\r\nPuppet - What the preacher is in.\r\nPurdy - She is purdy as a pitcher.\r\nPurt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig.\r\nRang - You wear it on your fanger.\r\nRut - That there tree sure has long ruts.\r\nRah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 12609,
"title": "How to Talk Native Southern III"
},
{
"body": "Rainch - A big cow farm.\r\nRat - Do it rat now!\r\nRench - Rench the soap yourself.\r\nRoont - She plum roont her shoes.\r\nSalary - A stringy vegetable.\r\nSoardeens - Small canned fish.\r\nShar - A light rain.\r\nGully Worsher - A medium heavy rain.\r\nToad strangler - A heavy rain Sody.\r\nPop - A soft drink.\r\nSprang - Water out'n the ground.\r\nShurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail.\r\nStorch - This here aprn has too much storch in it.\r\nSkeered - that plumb skeered me to death.\r\nThanks - He shore thanks he's smart.\r\nTho - Tho me the ball.\r\nThoat - I shore got a sore thoat.\r\nWar - A bobbed war fance.\r\nWorsh - Go worsh your face.\r\nWarter - What you worsh your face in.\r\nYurp - A continent overseas.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 12610,
"title": "How to Talk Native Southern IV"
},
{
"body": "For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.\r\n\r\nDiplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.\r\n\r\nA seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.\r\n\r\nGive and you might receive; take and be sure.\r\n\r\nI can't remember the last time I forgot something.\r\n\r\nI'm not schizophrenic, and neither am I.\r\n\r\nIn an atomic attack, all men will be cremated equal.\r\n\r\nIt's bad luck to be superstitious.\r\n\r\nI've been meaning to start procrastinating for some time now.\r\n\r\nLogic \u00e2\u0080\u0093 the art of being wrong, with confidence.\r\n\r\nOld age isn't so bad, when you consider the alternative.\r\n\r\nShin \u00e2\u0080\u0093 a device for finding furniture in the dark.\r\n\r\n\"Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes.\"\r\n\r\nNo matter where you go, there you are.\r\n\r\nWhat are occasional tables the rest of the time?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12611,
"title": "Some More One Liners III"
},
{
"body": "These are my summer clothes. Summer paid for, summer not. \r\n\r\nHow do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from a duck.\r\n\r\nWhy couldn't anyone play cards on the ark? Because Noah sat on the deck.\r\n\r\nTwo fish are in a tank. One says to the other \"You drive, I'll man the guns.\"\r\n\r\nThe Russians are very jealous of the American's Stealth Bombers, so they've decided to build their own. It'll be called the Optical Illyushin.\r\n\r\nOne good turn... gets all the blankets.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12613,
"title": "Some More One Liners IV"
},
{
"body": "I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them.\r\n\r\nNow I can ride a unicycle.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12614,
"title": "The Cyclist"
},
{
"body": "God was in Heaven and was getting particularly bored. \"Oh what can I do?\" he exclaimed.\r\n\r\nSt. Peter came up to him and suggested he take a vacation.\r\n\r\n\"That's a great idea, but where should I go?\" asked God.\r\n\"How about the moon?\" suggested St. Peter.\r\n\"Well, I could, but there's no gravity on the moon,\" stated God\r\n\"Then how about the Earth?\"\r\nWhen St. Peter said this God's eyes widened and he said, \"Are you mad? I went there 2000 years ago, met a nice Jewish girl and they're still talking about it!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 12615,
"title": "God's Vacation"
},
{
"body": "Mosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12616,
"title": "Mosquitios"
},
{
"body": "I'll tell ya later.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12617,
"title": "How to Stop Putting Things Off!"
},
{
"body": "A man was staying over at a farmer's house for the night.\r\nHowever, the farmer warned: \"My daughter is sleeping in the room next door. I'm going to put a wall of eggs around her bed to make sure that you don't go near her, understand?\"\r\n\r\nThe man nodded weakly, for she saw the daughter and noticed she was very beautiful.\r\n\r\nThat night, the man crept into the daughter's room, and sure enough, there was a wall of eggs surrounding her bed. Alas, the daughter's beauty was too much for the man, and he pushed through the wall of eggs and made love to her.\r\n\r\nOnce they were finished, the man took out a mop and cleaned the mess up. He then used super glue to glue the eggs back together and restack them. He then went back to his room.\r\n\r\nThe next day, the farmer inspected the wall of eggs. He congratulated the man and celebrated with an egg feast. But when he took an egg off the wall and cracked it open, nothing came out.\r\n\r\nThe farmer groaned, \"Not again.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12619,
"title": "The Desperate Man"
},
{
"body": "My mate's a maniakleptic \u00e2\u0080\u0093 he walks into shops backwards and leaves things.\r\n\r\nOther than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?\r\n\r\n\"It is better to have loved a short man, than never to have loved a tall.\"\r\n\r\nIf tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?\r\n\r\nIf you jog backwards, will you gain weight? \r\n\r\nIf you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?\r\n\r\nWe painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12620,
"title": "Some More One Liners V"
},
{
"body": "It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. - S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 12621,
"title": "Happy Birthday To You!"
},
{
"body": "A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.\r\n\r\nHe stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.\r\n\r\nEverything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Forgetting completely about the cyclist he's towing, the Corvette pulling the bike immediately took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 90 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 90 mph. He then delayed,\r\n\r\n\"And you're not going to believe this, but there's this REALLY amazing guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12622,
"title": "The Cyclist II"
},
{
"body": "What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? \r\n\r\n\r\nA zebra with a drum.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12623,
"title": "Ringo!"
},
{
"body": "Joseph, a rather religous man with a rather large sweet-tooth, had voleentered at the church bake sale. Business was booming, at least around noon, but by two o'clock, it was practically barren. While no one was looking he took a donut from the table. \r\n\r\nOn his way home he started to feel guilty. \"It was just one donut,\" he told himself \"just one dollar, thats all.\"\r\n\r\n\"But it was a dollar that the church should have.\" Another side told him. It continued this was for the rest of drive.\r\n\r\nWhen he got home his wife was setting dinner on the table. It was a beatiful Sunday ham. After dinner she took out a heavenly fresh cherry pie. He refused to eat it. He couldnt even look at another pastry and simply ran up to bed.\r\n\r\nIt took him another hour to fall asleep. His mind was spinning.\r\n\r\nThe next day he woke up still feeling guilty. He wouldn't touch his wife's corn muffins, he didn't sneak pie when his wife wasnt looking, even the donuts in conference room B seemed to taunt him.\r\n\r\nAgain that night he took an hour to fall asleep.\r\n\r\nBy the next day he couldn't take it anymore on his lunch break he drove right for the church. He parked his car and went to the coffessional.\r\n\r\n\"Hello, my son\" The priest said in an old wise voice. The man replied, \"Good afternoon father, its been 48 hours since my last confection...\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12624,
"title": "Holy Donuts"
},
{
"body": "\"Have you ever had a tick before?\" asked Mel.\r\n\"No, I've only ever had crosses,\" replied Sally.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12627,
"title": "Ticks and Crosses"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Vincent, not to be presumptuous, but your short story is truly fantastic. Did you really write it? \r\n\r\nVincent: Yes, I wrote, while my mother dictated...",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12628,
"title": "Co-Author"
},
{
"body": "1. Look before you leap\r\nHe who hesitates is lost\r\n\r\n2. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again\r\nDon't beat your head against a brick wall\r\n\r\n3. Absence makes the heart grow fonder\r\nOut of sight, out of mind\r\n\r\n4. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today\r\nDon't cross the bridge until you come to it\r\n\r\n5. Two heads are better than one\r\nPaddle your own canoe\r\n\r\n6. More haste less speed\r\nTime waits for no man\r\n\r\n7. You're never too old to learn\r\nYou can't teach an old dog new tricks\r\n\r\n8. A word to the wise is sufficient\r\nTalk is cheap\r\n\r\n9. It's better to be safe than sorry\r\nNothing ventured, nothing gained\r\n\r\n10. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth\r\nBeware of Greeks bearing gifts\r\n\r\n11. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you\r\nNice guys finish last\r\n\r\n12. Hitch your wagon to a star\r\nDon't bite off more than you can chew\r\n\r\n13. Many hands make light work\r\nToo many cooks spoil the broth\r\n\r\n14. Don't judge a book by its cover\r\nClothes make the man\r\n\r\n15. The squeaking wheel gets the grease\r\nSilence is golden\r\n\r\n16. Birds of a feather flock together\r\nOpposites attract\r\n\r\n17. The pen is mightier than the sword \r\nActions speak louder than words",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12629,
"title": "Contradictory Proverbs"
},
{
"body": "Shakespeare walks into a bar and the bartender shouts at him,\r\n\r\n\"You can't come in here, you're Bard!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 12630,
"title": "Bard"
},
{
"body": "Do doughnut shops need security systems?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12633,
"title": "I Simply Must Ask..."
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, I gave her a piggyback ride and I got scoliosis.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12634,
"title": "Fat@$$ Momma"
},
{
"body": "A bear, a lion and a chicken were having a discussion as to which one of them scares humans the most.\r\n\"I only have to growl,\" said the bear, \"and people start to get a bit nervous.\"\r\nThe lion said, \"I just have to roar and people run away.\"\r\n\"That's nothing,\" replied the chicken. \"I only have to sneeze and the whole world panics.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12635,
"title": "Who Scares Humans the Most?"
},
{
"body": "Two bees in their hive on a lovely summer day, and one says to the other,\r\n\r\n\"'Swarm in here, isn't it?\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12645,
"title": "The Bees"
},
{
"body": "What do you call Santa when he's been to the beach?\r\n\r\n\r\nSandy Claus!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12646,
"title": "Santa"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nHe.\r\nHe who?\r\nHe who must not be named, so don't say it!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12648,
"title": "He..."
},
{
"body": "A student on a class trip to the natural-history museum asks the guard, \"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?\" \r\n\r\nThe guard tells him, \"Three-million-four years and six months old.\" \r\n\r\nThe student says. \"How do you know that so precisely?\" \r\n\r\nThe guard says, \"Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12650,
"title": "Class Trip"
},
{
"body": "What did the bald man say when he was given a comb for his birthday?\r\n\r\n\"Oh, thank you! I'll never part with it!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12651,
"title": "Bald Man"
},
{
"body": "\"Charles the First walked and talked half an hour after his head was cut off.\"\r\n\r\nMake sense?\r\nIt should be-\r\n\r\n\"Charles the First walked and talked. Half an hour after, his head was cut off.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12652,
"title": "How to Punctuate #2"
},
{
"body": "Everybody knows about the kangaroo, the tall marsupial that lives in Australia, but when settlers first went there, they were amazed and had never seen anything like them. They asked an aborigine what the animals were called. He replied, \"Kangaroo,\" so that is what the settlers called them. Little did they know, kangaroo is an aboriginal phrase meaning, \"I don't understand your question.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12653,
"title": "An Example of Human Stupidity"
},
{
"body": "An Irish guy was digging a hole in his front lawn, when his neighbour walks by and says, \"Hey, Patrick, what are you doing?\"\r\n\"Digging a hole,\" said Patrick.\r\n\"What's wrong with the hole next to it?\" said his neighbour.\r\n\"That one wasn't deep enough,\" said Patrick.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12656,
"title": "Digging Holes"
},
{
"body": "1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap. \r\n\r\n2. Cats look silly on a leash. \r\n\r\n3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. \r\n\r\n4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born. \r\n\r\n5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is. \r\n\r\n6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers. \r\n\r\n7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all. \r\n\r\n8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you. \r\n\r\n9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain. \r\n\r\n10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12662,
"title": "Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats"
},
{
"body": "Steve is playing with his 3 friends at his tree in the back garden, and his mum comes out and shouts,\r\n\"If all four of you fall out of that tree and break both legs, then don't come running to me!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12664,
"title": "Steve at the Tree"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma so fat that when I swerved around her in my car, I ran out of petrol!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12665,
"title": "Yo Mamma So Fat...."
},
{
"body": "You're so stupid, you traded your car in for petrol!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 12667,
"title": "You're So Stupid"
},
{
"body": "You're as bright as a broken lightbulb!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 12669,
"title": "Random Insults..."
},
{
"body": "You're as funny as a ripped-up joke book!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 12670,
"title": "Random Insults...2"
},
{
"body": "you're as smart as a broken calculator!!!!!!!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 12671,
"title": "Random Insults...3"
},
{
"body": "A man.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12673,
"title": "What Do You Call an Animal?"
},
{
"body": "If at first you don't suceed...lower your standards!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12674,
"title": "A New Proverb"
},
{
"body": "Dubya Quotes \r\n \r\n \"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.\"\r\n...George W. Bush \r\n\"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94 \r\n\r\n\"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95 \r\n\r\n\"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98 \r\n\r\n\"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93 \r\n\r\n\"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96 \r\n\r\n\"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"The future will be better tomorrow.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97 \r\n\r\n\"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93 \r\n\r\n\"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"Public speaking is very easy.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush to reporters \r\n\r\n\"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.\"\r\n...George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96 \r\n\r\n\"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97 \r\n\r\n\"For NASA, space is still a high priority.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93 \r\n\r\n\"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95 \r\n\r\n\"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.\" \r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush \r\n\r\n\"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.\"\r\n...Governor George W. Bush",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 12678,
"title": "A Bundle of George W. Bush Quotes"
},
{
"body": "A boy was trying to impress his mum on his new bike. He was going down the path and said to his mum,\r\n\r\n\"Look, mum, no feet!\"\r\nHe then put his feet back on the bike and removed his hands from the handlebars. He then shouted,\r\n\r\n\"Look, mum, no hands!\"\r\n\r\nHe then lost control of the bike and collided with a tree. His mum ran up to his side, whereas her son said,\r\n\r\n\"Look, mum, no teeth.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12682,
"title": "Bike Tricks"
},
{
"body": "When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he dosent get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris'd.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse. It's decendants are know as giraffes.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't need oxygen, oxygen needs Chuck Norris.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris doesn't pay off debt, debt pays off Chuck Norris.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12685,
"title": "More Chuck Norris"
},
{
"body": "Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. \r\n\r\nShe called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again. \r\n\r\nThat night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, \"It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12686,
"title": "Cooking Woes"
},
{
"body": "Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. \r\n\r\n\"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,\" he cackled. \"I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.\" \r\n\r\nThe celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime. \r\n\r\n\"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12687,
"title": "Old Age Secret"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock!\r\n\r\nWho's There?\r\n\r\nDot.\r\n\r\nDot who?\r\n\r\nDots for me to know, and you to find out.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12688,
"title": "Dot"
},
{
"body": "FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?\r\nSECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?\r\nTHIRD QUESTION: Very tricky maths. Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Take 1000 and add 40. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?\r\nFOURTH QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?\r\n\r\nQ1: If you answered that by overtaking the second person you were first, you were absolutely wrong. If you overtake the second person and take his place, you are second.\r\nQ2. Can you please explain how you can overtake the LAST person?\r\nQ3 I'm afraid I answered 5000 to this question: I may have to ban myself from watching the programme. The correct answer is actually 4100. Check with your calculator.\r\nQ4 Nunu? Nana? Nene? Of course not. The fifth daughter's name is Mary.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12691,
"title": "Stupid Quiz"
},
{
"body": "To get your Star Wars name, do the following:\r\n\r\n1) Start with the 1st 3 letters of your last name \r\n\r\n2) Add the first two letters of your first name \r\n\r\n3) Add the first two letters of your mother's maiden name \r\n\r\n4) Add the first two letters of the city in which you were born \r\n\r\n5) Then, if you want, you can remove one letter to make it sound cool.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12692,
"title": "Your Star Wars Name"
},
{
"body": "The can was invented quite a while before the can opener.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12693,
"title": "An Example of Human Stupidity II"
},
{
"body": "What do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread?\r\n\r\nPeanut battering jelly.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12695,
"title": "Food Fight!"
},
{
"body": "Guy goes to see his doctor - \"Doctor, please help me, I've got kleptomania bad!\"\r\n\"OK, take these pills, one a day, but if they've not worked in a month, could you get me an LCD telly?\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 12696,
"title": "Klepto!"
},
{
"body": "In \"The Greatest Story Ever Told\", John Wayne played a centurion at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.\r\n\r\nOne of his lines was, \"Truly he is the Son of God!\"\r\n\r\nThe director felt John W. wasn't putting enough into it, and asked him to deliver the line again, but with a little more emphasis - \"to put some awe into it\".\r\n\r\n\"OK,\" says John, \"Awww - truly he is the Son of God!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12697,
"title": "At The Crucifixion"
},
{
"body": "\"Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is,\" Kathy said. Chuck asked her what it was, and she told him there was water in the carburettor. Chuck thought for a moment, then said, \"You know, I don't mean to be offensive, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator.\" \"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor,\" Kathy insisted. \"OK honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?\" \"In the lake!\" she said.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12698,
"title": "Carburettor"
},
{
"body": "Charlie: \"My wife has the worst memory ever.\"\r\nTom: \"She forgets everything, huh?\"\r\nCharlie: \"No, she REMEMBERS everything!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12699,
"title": "Lack of Memory Loss"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so stupid she took wood to the movie SAW!!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12701,
"title": "So Stupid"
},
{
"body": "We all know that a good old fashioned zombie says \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\"Braaaaiiiiins!\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBut what would these zombies say?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA Vegan Zombie - \"Graaaaaiiiiins!\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA 1940's Mobster Zombie - \"Daaaaaaames!\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA Michael Jordan Zombie - \"Haaaaaayynes!\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA Vampire Zombie - \"Veeeeeeeiiiiins!\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA Masochistic Zombie - \"Paaaaaiiiiiins!\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA Maid Zombie - \"Staaaaaiiiins!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12702,
"title": "Zombie Lingo"
},
{
"body": "A guy goes to the dentist and says, \"How much to get these two teeth pulled?\"\r\n\"$80 a tooth,\" he replies.\r\n\"For two minutes work! That's crazy!\" said the patient.\r\n\"Trust me,\" said the dentist, \"You don't want me to do it any slower.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 12706,
"title": "Slower"
},
{
"body": "This big-time rancher from Texas met a Missouri farmer on a business trip.\r\nThe Texas rancher bragged, \"I can get in my truck, drive all day, and never cross the boundary of my ranch!\"\r\n\"Yep,\" replied the little Missouri farmer, \"I had a truck like that once, too.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12707,
"title": "Ford"
},
{
"body": "She left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12710,
"title": "Will"
},
{
"body": "A detective was questioning a burglary suspect. \"Where were you between five and six?\" he asked.\r\n\"In kindergarten!\" he replied",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12711,
"title": "Kindergarten"
},
{
"body": "A young boy called to his mother from the yard, \"Mom, would you rather me fall out of a tree and break my arm or just tear a hole in my Sunday slacks?\" \"Well,\" she replied, \"I guess I'd pray that you just ripped your pants.\" The kid yells back, \"Your prayers have been answered!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12712,
"title": "Prayers Answered"
},
{
"body": "A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. \r\n\r\nAfter a couple of months of enjoying the solitude, he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse. \r\n\r\n\"Hold it, neighbor,\" the man says, \"I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only six miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time.\" \r\n\r\nNot wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, \"How should I dress?\" \r\n\r\n\"Aw, don't matter,\" replied the neighbor, \"Only gonna be the two of us.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12715,
"title": "Neighbors in Montana"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock!\r\n\r\nWho's There?\r\n\r\nRadio.\r\n\r\nRadio Who?\r\n\r\nRadio not, here I come!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12716,
"title": "Radio"
},
{
"body": "There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.\r\n\r\nOne day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.\r\n\r\nShe asks the boy, \"What are they doing?\" He says: \"They're making love.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?\" She asked. \"Oh, uh, that's his rope,\" he answered.\r\n\r\n\"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?\" she asked. He says, \"Those are his knots.\" She says, \"Oh, ok, I got it.\"\r\n\r\nAs they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, \"I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.\" Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.\r\n\r\nWhile they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes. \"Whoa, what are you doing?!\" he shouts.\r\n\r\nThe girl innocently replies, \"I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12718,
"title": "More Rope"
},
{
"body": "One chicken says to the other,\r\n\r\n\"For heaven's sake, don't cross the road! We'll never hear the end of it!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12719,
"title": "Why Wouldn't He Listen?"
},
{
"body": "Teacher:Can anyone tell me what a shamrock is?\r\nJimmy:It's a fake diamond,Miss.\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------\r\nWhat's the longest piece of furniture in the school?\r\nThe multiplication table.\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------\r\n'Why are you crying, Amanda?'asked the teacher.\r\n'Cos Jenny's broken my new doll, Miss,' she cried.\r\n'How did she do that?'\r\n'I hit her on the head with it.'\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------\r\nThe night-school teacher asked one of his pupils when he had last sat an exam.'1945'said the lad.\r\n'Good lord! That's more than 50 years ago.'\r\n'No, Sir! An a hour and a half ago. It's quarter past nine now.'\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------\r\nWhat is the most popular sentence at school?\r\nI don't know!\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------\r\nTeacher: 'Are you good at arithmetic?'\r\nHal: 'Well,yes and no.'\r\nTeacher: 'What do you mean,yes and no?'\r\nHal: 'Yes,I'm no good at arithmetic.'\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------\r\nScience teacher: 'Lisa,can you tell me one substance that conducts electricity?'\r\nLisa: 'Why,er...'\r\nScience teacher: 'Wire is correct.'\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------\r\nWhen is a yellow school book not a yellow school book?\r\nWhen it is read!\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------\r\nTeacher: 'Eat up your roast beef, it's full of iron.'\r\nPupil: 'No wonder it's so tough.'\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------\r\nWhy should a school not be near a chicken farm?\r\nTo avoid the pupils overhearing fowl language.\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------",
"category": "College",
"id": 12726,
"title": "Classroom/Teacher/Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat, when she turns around another year has passed already!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12729,
"title": "Yo Momma So Fat"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so fat she needs mapquest to find her butt!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12732,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nHaf.\r\nHaf who.\r\nHaf you ever opened the door because I'm tired of waiting.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12734,
"title": "Haf"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma smells so bad the skunk gave her his stripe.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12738,
"title": "Stripe"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nDoughnut.\r\nDoughnut who?\r\nI doughnut want to know if you're sick!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12743,
"title": "Doughnut"
},
{
"body": "George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart:\r\n\"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12745,
"title": "Martha Stewart"
},
{
"body": "There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.\r\n\r\n\"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?\" asked George.\r\n\r\n\"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion.\" said Sam.\r\n\r\n\"Okay, I can do that.\" George answered.\r\n\r\nWell, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.\r\n\r\n\"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle\" said Sam.\r\n\r\n\"OK, OK, let's go!\" said George.\r\n\r\n\"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?\" said Sam.\r\n\r\n\"Sure\" says George.\r\n\r\nWell, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - \"Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12747,
"title": "Bull"
},
{
"body": "The Frenchman, the German, and the Israeli were standing around in the cafe in Tel Aviv, comparing their lifestyles.\r\n\r\n\"When I go to work,\" said the Frenchman, \"I drive my Renault. On weekends I drive my $30,000 Peugeot. And when I travel abroad, I always drive a $50,000 Citroen.\"\r\n\r\n\"Bah,\"said the German, \"I drive a Volkswagen to work. But on weekends I drive a $50,000 BMW, and when I go abroad, I always take my customized $60,000 Mercedes.\"\r\n\r\n\"Very impressive,\" the Israeli admitted. \"As for me, I take the bus to work, and on Sundays I motor around in my little Ford. But when I go abroad, I drive a $250,000 tank.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12755,
"title": "Fancy Rides"
},
{
"body": "Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, the man said, \"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and assuage my guilt?\"\r\n\r\n\"Certainly not,\" said the priest. \"As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.\"\r\n\r\n\"I-I tried,\" the man sobbed, \"but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?\"\r\n\r\n\"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.\"\r\n\r\nThanking the priest, the man hurried off.\r\nWhen confession was over, the priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his Thanksgiving turkey.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 12756,
"title": "The Confession"
},
{
"body": "After she was finished with Cinderella, the fairy godmother paid a visit on another poor young girl, Minuetta. Extremely flat-chested, the woman is convinced that her life would improve if only she had large breasts.\r\n \"All right,\" the fairy godmother said. \"How about we fix it so that every time a man says 'pardon' to you, your breasts grow a bit.\"\r\n Delighted with the arrangement, Minuetta goes to the market next day. Bumping into the woodcutter, she's delighted when he tips his hat, says, \"I beg your pardon,\" and her breasts grow nearly an inch. Later, when a coachmean accidentally splashes mud on her, he stops and says, \"Pardon me.\" Her breasts grow again.\r\n Smiling radiantly when she reaches the market, she goes to the vegetable stand and asks the Arab merchant for some bread. While he's handing it to her, he accidentally knocks a tub of jam on her dress.\r\n \"Oh dear,\" he bows and scrapes, \"a thousand pardons!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12757,
"title": "Pardon Me"
},
{
"body": "Knock, knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nEsther.\r\nEsther who?\r\nThe Esther Bunny.\r\n\r\nKnock, knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nStella.\r\nStella who?\r\nStella nother Esther Bunny.\r\n\r\nKnock, knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nSamoa.\r\nSamoa who?\r\nSamoa Esther Bunnies.\r\n\r\nKnock, knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nConsumption.\r\nConsumption who?\r\nConsumption be done about all these Esther Bunnies?\r\n\r\nKnock, knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nEsther.\r\nEsther who?\r\nEsther anyone else as sick of this joke as I am?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12758,
"title": "Esther Bunny"
},
{
"body": "How many mathematicians does it take to replace a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nPi. 3 screw exactly a radius's length, and the last about-one-seventh screws it in all the way!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 12759,
"title": "Mathematicians"
},
{
"body": "One day St. Peter visited Hell to make certain that the sinners were being adequately punished. During his tour he noticed that Hitler was standing in feces up to his chin. Surprisingly, the Fuhrer was smiling.\r\n \"I don't understand,\" sasid St. Peter. \"How can you smile when you'll be spending all of eternity in excrement?\"\r\n Hitler replied, \"I'm smiling because I'm standing on Mussolini's shoulders.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12761,
"title": "Hitler and Mussolini"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping??\r\nV\r\nV\r\nV\r\nV\r\nV\r\nV\r\nV\r\nV\r\nV\r\nV\r\nV\r\nV\r\nV\r\nV\r\nHe loved it, but it scared the heck out of his dog.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12762,
"title": "Blind Man"
},
{
"body": "Virginity is like a balloon. One prick and it's gone!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12763,
"title": "Virginity"
},
{
"body": "Whenever I have to go up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator because one time i was on an escalator and I tripped...\r\n\r\nSo i was falling for an hour and a half.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12764,
"title": "Escalators"
},
{
"body": "Q: What type of storage units do underwater computers use?\r\n\r\nA: Trilo-bytes",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12766,
"title": "Underwater Computer"
},
{
"body": "On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra\r\nholiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite\r\nto eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is\r\nall of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2\r\nbill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about\r\npeople getting mad at me.\r\n\r\nMe: \"Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.\"\r\nServer: \"Is that it?\"\r\nMe: \"Yep.\"\r\nServer: \"That'll be $1.04, eat here?\"\r\nMe: \"No, it's *to* *go*.\" [I hate effort duplication.]\r\n\r\nAt his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He\r\nlooks at it kind of funny and\r\n\r\nServer: \"Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.\"\r\n\r\nHe goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot.\r\nThe following conversation occurs between the two of them.\r\n\r\nServer: \"Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?\"\r\nManager: \"No. A what?\"\r\nServer: \"A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.\"\r\nManager: \"Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A\r\n$2 BILL.\"\r\nServer: \"Yeah, thought so.\"\r\n\r\nHe comes back to me and says\r\n\r\nServer: \"We don't take these. Do you have anything else?\"\r\nMe: \"Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?\"\r\nServer: \"I don't know.\"\r\nMe: \"See here where it says legal tender?\"\r\nServer: \"Yeah.\"\r\nMe: \"So, shouldn't you take it?\"\r\nServer: \"Well, hang on a sec.\"\r\n\r\nHe goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm\r\ngoing to shoplift, and\r\n\r\nServer: \"He says I have to take it.\"\r\nManager: \"Doesn't he have anything else?\"\r\nServer: \"Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the\r\nsafe and get change.\"\r\nManager: \"I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE.\" [my\r\nemphasis]\r\nServer: \"What should I do?\"\r\nManager: \"Tell him to come back later when he has REAL\r\nmoney.\"\r\nServer: \"I can't tell him that, you tell him.\"\r\nManager: \"Just tell him.\"\r\nServer: \"No way, this is weird, I'm going in back.\"\r\n\r\nThe manager approaches me and says\r\n\r\nManager: \"Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of\r\nnight.\" [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a\r\nwell lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]\r\nMe: \"Well, here's a two.\"\r\nManager: \"We don't take *those* either.\"\r\nMe: \"Why the hell not?\"\r\nManager: \"I think you *know* why.\"\r\nMe: \"No really, tell me, why?\"\r\nManager: \"Please leave before I call mall security.\"\r\nMe: \"Excuse me?\"\r\nManager: \"Please leave before I call mall security.\"\r\nMe: \"What the hell for?\"\r\nManager: \"Please, sir.\"\r\nMe: \"Uh, go ahead, call them.\"\r\nManager: \"Would you please just leave?\"\r\nMe: \"No.\"\r\nManager: \"Fine, have it your way then.\"\r\nMe: \"No, that's Burger King, isn't it?\"\r\n\r\nAt this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security\r\non the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING\r\nat me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud,\r\njust for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy\r\ncomes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a\r\nwhisper]\r\n\r\nSecurity: \"Yeah, Mike, what's up?\"\r\nManager: \"This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny\r\nmoney.\"\r\nSecurity: \"Really? What?\"\r\nManager: \"Get this, a *two* dollar bill.\"\r\nSecurity: \"Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?\" [incredulous]\r\nManager: \"I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only\r\nother thing he has is a fifty.\"\r\nSecurity: \"So, the fifty's fake?\"\r\nManager: \"NO, the $2 is.\"\r\nSecurity: \"Why would he fake a $2 bill?\"\r\nManager: \"I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out\r\nof here?\"\r\nSecurity: \"Yeah...\"\r\n\r\nSecurity guard walks over to me and says\r\n\r\nSecurity: \"Mike here tells me you have some fake bills\r\nyou're trying to use.\"\r\nMe: \"Uh, no.\"\r\nSecurity: \"Lemme see 'em.\"\r\nMe: \"Why?\"\r\nSecurity: \"Do you want me to get the cops in here?\"\r\n\r\nAt this point I was ready to say, \"SURE, PLEASE,\" but I\r\nwanted to eat, so I said\r\n\r\nMe: \"I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with\r\nthis $2 bill.\"\r\n\r\nI put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was\r\ntaking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a\r\nfew times in his hands, and says\r\n\r\nSecurity: \"Mike, what's wrong with this bill?\"\r\nManager: \"It's fake.\"\r\nSecurity: \"It doesn't look fake to me.\"\r\nManager: \"But it's a **$2** bill.\"\r\nSecurity: \"Yeah?\"\r\nManager: \"Well, there's no such thing, is there?\"\r\n\r\nThe security guard and I both looked at him like he was an\r\nidiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.\r\n\r\nMy burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those\r\ncinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of\r\n$2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12767,
"title": "The Two Dollar Bill"
},
{
"body": "A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house.\r\nWhile they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, 'Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?'\r\nThe kid says, 'Daddy told me you were a self-made man.' \r\n\r\n'I am.'\r\n\r\n'Well, why did you make yourself like that?'",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 12769,
"title": "Self-Made"
},
{
"body": "Presidents on a sinking ship! \r\n\r\nFord says: \"What do we do?\" \r\nBush says: \"Man the lifeboats!\" \r\nReagan says: \"What lifeboats?\" \r\nCarter says: \"Women first!\" \r\nNixon says: \"Screw the women!\" \r\nClinton says: \"You think we have time?\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 12770,
"title": "Presidents"
},
{
"body": "Question:\r\n\r\nWhat is a Kentucky Virgin?\r\n\r\nAnswer:\r\n\r\nA really ugly seven year old girl who can run faster than her older brother.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 12773,
"title": "What is a Kentucky Virgin?"
},
{
"body": "All you see in the sports media nowadays is the fact that athletes are taking steriods and other performance enhanceing drugs to become stronger and faster.\r\n\r\nSo instead of going out and buying a new car I put some steriods in the gas tank.... I wonder if I will get the same result?",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 12775,
"title": "I was Thinking"
},
{
"body": "An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along.\r\n\r\nAfter thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: \"I don't like Chinese.\" The First Officer replies: \"Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?\" \"Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese.\" \"Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.\" \"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike.\"\r\n\r\nAnother thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: \"No like Jew.\" \"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?\" \"Jews sink Titanic.\" \"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic, it was an iceberg.\" \"Iceberg, Goldberg, \r\nRosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same.\"\r\n\r\nP.S. Chinese Juice - Chinese Jews. Geddit? There's a joke about it on here somewhere!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12776,
"title": "Chinese Juice"
},
{
"body": "Two people are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is pronounced 'Havaii' or 'Hawaii'. So they stood there arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a person that was walking by. They asked the gentleman: \"Excuse me sir, is Hawaii pronounced 'Havaii' or 'Hawaii'?\" \r\n\r\nThe gentleman said, \"Havaii.\" \r\n\r\nSo they looked at each other, and as the gentleman was leaving, one of the two said to him, \"Thank you.\" \r\n\r\nThe gentleman replied, \"You're velcome!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12777,
"title": "In A Right State"
},
{
"body": "As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.\r\n\r\n\"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.\"\r\n\r\nFrom the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, \"Wow! It just missed the highway!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12778,
"title": "Prepare To Meteor Maker!"
},
{
"body": "In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. \r\n\r\nHe strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. \"It's not for sale,\" said the proprietor. \r\n\r\n\"Look,\" said the collector, \"that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars.\" \r\n\r\n\"It's a deal,\" said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten. \r\n\r\n\"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer,\" said the connoisseur. \"The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.\"\r\n\r\n\"Nothing doing,\" said the proprietor firmly. \"That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12779,
"title": "Lapping It Up!"
},
{
"body": "An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. \"Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep.\" \r\n\r\n\"I have good news for you,\" the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. \"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.\" \r\n\r\n\"Great,\" the blond answered, \"I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot.\" \r\n\r\nA few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. \"Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!\" \r\n\r\n\"I don't understand how that could be,\" said the doctor, shaking his head. \"Those are the strongest pills on the market!\" \r\n\r\n\"That may be true,\" answered the blond wearily, \"but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12780,
"title": "Help Me, Doctor!"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, a man happened upon a magical lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out.\r\n\r\n\"Are you going to give me three wishes?\" the man asked.\r\n\r\n\"No,\" said the genie. \"I am a rare and mystical question genie. I am way more honorable than a simple wish genie! You may ask me three questions.\"\r\n\r\nThe man thought for a while about what he wanted to ask. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity to unlock the secrets of the world. \r\n\r\nFinally, he said, \"Okay, here's what I want to know: What is the cure for the common cold? How can perpetual motion be created? And where can a fuel source, that is clean and reusable and will replace all the others, be found?\"\r\n\r\nThe genie nodded and walked off. Puzzled, the man came after him.\r\n\r\n\"Hey,\" he said somewhat angrily, \"aren't you going to answer my questions?\"\r\n\r\nThe genie stopped and looked at him with an incredulous expression; \"Who the hell do you think I am? A question AND answer genie?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12781,
"title": "Question Genie"
},
{
"body": "Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. \r\n\r\nShe e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview. \r\n\r\nFinally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. \r\n\r\nIt read: \"Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12782,
"title": "Job Search Woes"
},
{
"body": "How many men does it take to find anything?\r\n\r\nZero.\r\n\r\nThey have to ask a woman 1st and then after she tells them exactly where it is for the umpteenth time & they still can't find it.....\r\n\r\nThe now exasperated woman goes & gets it for them in the exact place she has told them it was.\r\n\r\nDuh!!!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 12785,
"title": "How Many Men Does..."
},
{
"body": "George W. Bush....\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nthat's it",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 12786,
"title": "Joke of the Day"
},
{
"body": "Did you ever notice that a lot of people will do just about anything to get attention?\r\n\r\nLike putting jokes up on a website! \r\n\r\nP.S I love Wocka.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12787,
"title": "Did you ever notice...?"
},
{
"body": "A 100 year old man sits on the edge of his bed on the day of his 100th birthday.\r\n\r\nHe looks down at his feet and says \"well feet, you're 100 years old today!\"\r\n\r\nHe then looks at his hands and says, \"well hands, you are 100 years old today.\"\r\n\r\nHe goes into the bathroom, looks in the mirror, and says, \"well face, you are 100 years old today.\"\r\n\r\nHe then goes over to the toilet to relieve himself, and looks down at his penis and says, \"Well old buddy, if you would have made it, you would have been 100 years old today!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12788,
"title": "100 Year Old Man"
},
{
"body": "Gummer: Is defined as receiving oral sex from a woman who has no teeth.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 12789,
"title": "Gross Definition"
},
{
"body": "A blonde went to see her doctor for her annual checkup so the doctor gave her the once over.\r\nAt the end of the checkup he shone a light in her ear to have a look; amazed, he shook his head and walked away.\r\n\r\nSee below what the doctor had seen.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA big sign\r\n\r\n\r\nSPACE FOR RENT.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12790,
"title": "Doctor's Appointment"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the morning after pill for guys?\r\n\r\nIt changes his blood type.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12793,
"title": "Morning After"
},
{
"body": "What do women with no legs leave behind when they cross a linoleum floor?\r\n\r\nSnail Tracks.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 12797,
"title": "What Do Women With No Legs Leave Behind?"
},
{
"body": "Have you ever seen Moth Balls?\r\n\r\nYou have!!!\r\n\r\nHow did you get their teeny, tiny and poor little legs apart?\r\n\r\nYa fiend!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12800,
"title": "Have You Ever Seen Moth Balls?"
},
{
"body": "What do a walrus & tupperware have in common?\r\n\r\nThey both like a \"tight\" SEAL!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12801,
"title": "What Do They Have in Common?"
},
{
"body": "What is Jewish beer called?\r\n\r\nHe Brew!!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 12802,
"title": "What Do You Call"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.\r\n\r\n\"You're not allowed to pee in the pool,\" says the lifeguard. \"I'm going to report you.\"\r\n\r\n\"But everyone pees in the pool,\" whined Little Johnny.\r\n\r\n\"Maybe,\" answered the lifeguard, \"but not from the diving board!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12803,
"title": "Don't Pee in the Pool"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so fat when jumps up in the air she gets stuck.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12808,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a religious woman and a supposedly regular woman in a bathtub?\r\n\r\nOne has HOPE in her soul.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 12810,
"title": "What's the Big Dif.?"
},
{
"body": "Made up this joke myself..\r\n\r\nPlease laugh.\r\n\r\nWhen I go all the way blind (2/3 the way there now); my Mommie's gonna give me a new kitty and tell me that I can only play with it outside & in the street.\r\n\r\nThe Kittie's name is Pe-Pe-La-Pugh.\r\n\r\nShe tell's me it's black & white.\r\n\r\nLove that kitty.\r\n\r\nRhhhhhhhhh!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12811,
"title": "When I Go Totally Blind"
},
{
"body": "This is funny.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12813,
"title": "This is a Joke."
},
{
"body": "Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12817,
"title": "Definition of Junk"
},
{
"body": "What can you break without saying its' name?\r\nSilence...Shhh!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12818,
"title": "SHHHH"
},
{
"body": "Mystery\r\nAll my life has been a mystery\r\nYou and I were never ever meant to be\r\nThats why I call my love for you... a mystery.\r\n\r\nDifferent country\r\nYou and I have always lived in different countries\r\nAnd I know that airline tickets don't grow on a tree\r\nSo what kept us apart is plain for me to see\r\nThat part at least, is not really much of a mystery.\r\n\r\nEstuary\r\nI live on a houseboat on an estuary\r\nWhich is handy for my work with the port authority\r\nBut I'm sure you would have found it\r\nInsanit-ery\r\nInsanit-ery\r\n\r\nHeaded me\r\nI am foolish to ignore the possibilty \r\nThat if we actually met, you might have a taken a really violent dislike of me\r\nBut thats not the only problem I can see\r\n\r\nDead since 1993\r\nYou've been dead now, wait a minute, let me see,\r\n14 years come next Janu-a-ry\r\nAs a human beign you are history\r\nSo why do I still long for you\r\nWhy is my love so strong for you\r\nWhy did I write this song for you\r\nWell, I guess it's just a mystery\r\nMystery",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12819,
"title": "Mystery Song"
},
{
"body": "A man's mother-in-law moves in with him. About two weeks later, he comes home and discovers her lying on the floor of the living room. He calls 911 and they send the ambulance over, and the ambulance rushes the woman to the hospital. The man is pacing the waiting room. A doctor finally comes out to speak with him.\r\n\r\nThe doctor says, \"I have good news, and bad news.\" \r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"Well, tell me the good news first.\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor says, \"Your mother-in-law sustained a major heart attack, but she didn't die. In fact she will probably live another 20 to 30 years. She unfortunately lost her ability to speak, and she will make this awful screeching and squawking noise, like a parrot. She has also lost control of her bodily functions, so you will have to change her diapers and wash her; she has also lost the mobility of her limbs, so you will have to feed her and care for her for the next 20 to 30 years.\"\r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"Oh my God; what is the bad news, Doc?\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor replies, \"No, I'm just messing with you; she really died.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12821,
"title": "Good News Bad News"
},
{
"body": "Your mamma is soooo ugo...\r\n\r\nWhen you look in the mirror you die of fright, as you look just like her.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12822,
"title": "So Ugo"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar and says, \"Give me a beer before problems start!\" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, \"Give me a beer before problems start!\" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, \"When are you going to pay for these beers?\" The man answers, \"Ah, now the problems start!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 12823,
"title": "Give Me a Beer"
},
{
"body": "One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre stayed late and all started to feel hungry. They decided to order in food by phone, but their boss thought that, since they worked with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After they contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screen: \"Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12825,
"title": "I'm Hungry!"
},
{
"body": "A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:\r\n\r\nDear Grandmother,\r\n\r\nI'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.\r\n\r\nWith love,\r\nMike",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12826,
"title": "I'm A Baaaaad Boy"
},
{
"body": "Phone won't stop ringing? \r\n\r\nHere's what you do -\r\n\r\nLeola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem, but unlike most people she did something about it. \r\n\r\nThe brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola. \r\n\r\nFrom the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. \r\n\r\nNaturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. \r\n\r\nThe phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands. \r\n\r\nAt 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, \"No problem. How many nights?\" \r\n\r\nA few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. \"No, that won't be necessary,\" Leola said. \"We trust you.\" \r\n\r\nThe next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. \r\n\r\nShe turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. \r\n\r\nLeola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. \"There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers.\" \r\n\r\nWithin a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. \r\n\r\nPeople kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events. \r\n\r\nLeola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, \"We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel.\" \r\n\r\nLeola replied, \"We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12827,
"title": "Ring My Bell"
},
{
"body": "Q: What does a 1000 pound bird say??\r\n\r\nA: SQUAWK!!!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12828,
"title": "Bird Bird"
},
{
"body": "Q: What was Jesus when he was resurrected?\r\n\r\nA: A Born Again Christian",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 12829,
"title": "The Resurrection"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you get a blonde with one arm out of a tree?\r\nA: Wave to her",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12830,
"title": "In A Tree"
},
{
"body": "It was the first day of school and this girl's teacher asked her what her name was. She said \"Texas.\" The teacher said, \"Haha, no really, what's your name?\" and the girl said, \"Texas,\" so the teacher said, \"Go to the principal's office.\"\r\nThe principal said, \"What's your name?\" She replied, \"Texas.\" He said, \"Funny, what's your name?\" and she said, \"Texas,\" so he sent her home.\r\nAs Texas was walking home, a guy stopped her and said, \"What's your name?\" She said, \"Texas.\" He said, \"That's funny. No, really, what's your name?\" She said, \"Texas.\" He said, \"I will stab you with my mother's butcher knife if you don't tell me what your real name is,\" and she said, \"IT'S TEXAS!\" so he stabbed her. When he got home, his mother asked, \"Where's my butcher knife?\" and he sang \"DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12834,
"title": "Texas"
},
{
"body": "You know you're from Oklahoma if:\r\n \r\na tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.\r\n\r\nyour idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.\r\n\r\nyou ever had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.\r\n\r\nyou see people wear bib overalls at funerals.\r\n\r\nlittle smokies are something you serve only for \"special occasions\".\r\n\r\nyou refer to the capital of Oklahoma as \"The City\". \r\n\r\nyou know cowpies are not made from beef.\r\n\r\nsomeone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.\r\n\r\nyou have know someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.\r\n\r\nyou aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.\r\n\r\nyour \"place at the lake\" has wheels under it.\r\n\r\nyou learned to shoot a 12 guage shot gun before you learned to multiply.\r\n\r\nAnd finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard or been a part of this conversation: \r\n\"Ya wanna coke?\"\r\n\"Yeah.\"\r\n\"What kind?\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 12838,
"title": "You Know You're From Oklahoma"
},
{
"body": "A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died \r\nbecause I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to \r\nget to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife, a blonde, to give me a hand starting the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start. \r\n\r\nShe said \"fine!\", hopped into her car and drove off. \r\n\r\nI sat there fuming and wondering what she could be doing. \r\n\r\nA minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror \r\ncoming at me at about 40 mph, and I suddenly realized that I \r\nshould have been a bit clearer with my directions...",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12839,
"title": "Bad Directions"
},
{
"body": "Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched this small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read: \"Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service.\"\r\n\r\nAfter explaining his needs, he said, \"I'll be back for \r\nmy suit tomorrow.\"\r\n\r\n\"Won't be ready til Saturday,\" replied the proprietor.\r\n\r\n\"But I thought you had 24-hour service,\" the customer protested.\r\n\r\n\"We do, son,\" the proprietor said reproachfully. \"But we only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12840,
"title": "24 Hour Service"
},
{
"body": "Bob was talking to Ted, an old friend.\r\nBob: My wife drives like lightning!\r\nTed: She drives fast?\r\nBob: No, She hits trees!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12841,
"title": "Like Lighting"
},
{
"body": "1. Who's idea was it to put \"s\" in the word \"Lisp\"?\r\n\r\n2. Trust in God, but keep your car locked.\r\n\r\n3. They say that swimming is good for your figure. If so, what happened to whales?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12842,
"title": "Three One LIners"
},
{
"body": "1) If it rings, put it on hold.\r\n 2) If it clanks, call the repairman.\r\n 3) If it whistles, ignore it.\r\n 4) If it's a friend, take a break.\r\n 5) If it's the boss, look busy.\r\n 6) If it talks, take notes.\r\n 7) If it's handwritten, type it.\r\n 8) If it's typed, copy it.\r\n 9) If it's copied, file it.\r\n10) If it's Friday, forget it!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12843,
"title": "Office Rules"
},
{
"body": "\"Please Don't Hurt Me\" by I. Bruce Easily\r\n\r\n\"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk\" by Al Coholic\r\n\r\n\"Thirty yards to the outhouse\" by Will E. Makeit\r\n(illustrated by Betty Wont)\r\n\r\n\"The Proper Use of Sunscreens\" by Justin Casey Burns\r\n\r\n\"How To Cure Scratching\" by Ivan Awfulich\r\n\r\n\"Discount Alternatives\" by Robin Stuff",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12844,
"title": "Recommended Reading"
},
{
"body": "An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. \r\n\r\nOne day, her son came into her room holding a letter. \"I just got some news, Mom,\" he said. \"The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?\" \r\n\r\n\"What do I think?\" his mother said. \"Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12845,
"title": "Border Patrol"
},
{
"body": "One night a blond teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and a pierced nose. \r\n\r\nLater, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. \"Dear,\" said the mother diplomatically, \"he doesn't seem very nice.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh please, Mom,\" replied the daughter, \"if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12846,
"title": "Bad Boyfriend"
},
{
"body": "Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.\r\n\r\nDogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.\r\n\r\nDogs shed, cats shred.\r\n\r\nNo one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.\r\n\r\nI hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.\r\n\r\nPeople that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.\r\n\r\nWe wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?\r\n\r\nWomen and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12847,
"title": "Datsun Cogs (Cats and Dogs!)"
},
{
"body": "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12848,
"title": "Who Put The Light Out?"
},
{
"body": "DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.\r\n\r\nDAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed (again).\r\n\r\nDAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.\r\n\r\nDAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...\r\n\r\nDAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called \"shampoo.\" What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.\r\n\r\nDAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call \"beer.\" More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of \"allergies.\" Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.\r\n\r\nDAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies, and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12849,
"title": "Cat's Diary"
},
{
"body": "Save the whales, harpoon a fat chick!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12851,
"title": "Save The Whales"
},
{
"body": "In a small town, an frightened man ran inside the local pub and shouted, \"Does anyone here own a big black dog with a white collar?\"\r\nBut no one answered and he said, \"Oh my God,I must have run over the Vicar!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 12852,
"title": "The Vicar"
},
{
"body": "3 men sell their bodies to science, for an exsperiment on a new military weapon to scare enemy soldiers by turning them into the enemies idea of the most scary, repulsive idea possible temporarily. The first man has his wife looking at him, drinks the chemical, and turns into a half-fish half-octopus with fur. The second guy has his therapist looking at him, and turns into a giant bald hamster with a snake head. The third guy has his girlfriend looking at him, he drinks the chemical. Nothing happens.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12853,
"title": "New Military Weapon"
},
{
"body": "Hubluza",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12854,
"title": "An Example of Human Stupidity III"
},
{
"body": "This story takes place in a very specific year. Somewhere in the future.\r\nA year after Bush leaves office.\r\n--------------------------------\r\nPart 1. A Space mission\r\nPlace: In a rocket in space.\r\nNotes: names such as Junior and Senior are just rankings on the shuttle.\r\n--------------------------------\r\nSenior: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JUNIOR?\r\nJunior: Getting a donut.\r\nSenior: Yeah, but look at which donut it is.\r\nJunior: Chocolate with colorful sprinkles. \r\nSenior: YEAH! ONLY SENIOR RANKINGS GET SPRINKLES!\r\nJunior: Yeah! Wadaya gonna do?\r\nSenior: DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU!\r\nPiolot: Guys, we have a problem.\r\nJunior: What is it?\r\nSenior: Shut up, Junior, let a sopisticated Senior do this. What is the problem?\r\nPiolot: I see a comet coming for us.\r\nSenior: Sacrifice Junior.\r\nMedical: Leave him alone!\r\nJunior: Yeah! I have a name!\r\nMedical: I'm sorry, I never caught your name.\r\nJunior: For the seventh time it's Wally!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12855,
"title": "Space Adventure Part I"
},
{
"body": "Note: This joke only makes sense if you read Space Adventure Part I on this site. A complete set of the Adventures can be found in the FunnyStories Forum.\r\n----------------------------------\r\nI Wally will take it from here!\r\nPart 1. A Space Mission \r\nPoint of View: Wally(Junior)\r\nNotes: I'll tell the story. Anything in parenthesse is me talking to you, not what someone said.\r\n--------------------------------\r\nMedical: Oh, sorry.\r\nMe: Whatever.\r\nSenior: HA HA the woman can't remember!(Senior's a meanie I mean Come On!)\r\nMe: SHUT UP!\r\nPilot: Jake (that's Senior's name) it's not her fault she can't remember. She didn't choose to be female*laughs*!\r\nMedical: Don't make me hurt you!\r\nJake: Settle down, baby!\r\nMedical: grrrr\r\nPilot: Very funny WOMAN leave the important stuff to the men NURSE but I'll see you in bed later BABY!\r\nMedical: MY NAME IS JENNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!(there were echoes you wouldn't believe.)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12857,
"title": "Space Adventure Part II"
},
{
"body": "Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:\r\nIn Memory of Beza Wood\r\nDeparted this life\r\nNov. 2, 1837\r\nAged 45 yrs.\r\nHere lies one Wood\r\nEnclosed in wood\r\nOne Wood\r\nWithin another.\r\nThe outer wood\r\nIs very good:\r\nWe cannot praise\r\nThe other.\r\n\r\n On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:\r\nUnder the sod and under the trees\r\nLies the body of Jonathan Pease.\r\nHe is not here, there's only the pod:\r\nPease shelled out and went to God.\r\n\r\n The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:\r\nWho was fatally burned\r\nMarch 21, 1870\r\nby the explosion of a lamp\r\nfilled with \"R.E. Danforth's\r\nNon-Explosive Burning Fluid\"\r\n\r\n Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:\r\nBorn 1903 - Died 1942\r\nLooked up the elevator shaft to see if\r\nthe car was on the way down. It was.\r\n\r\n In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:\r\nHere lies an Atheist\r\nAll dressed up\r\nAnd no place to go.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12860,
"title": "Last Words II"
},
{
"body": "Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:\r\nI was somebody.\r\nWho, is no business\r\nOf yours.\r\n\r\n Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:\r\nHere lies Lester Moore\r\nFour slugs from a .44\r\nNo Les No More.\r\n\r\n John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:\r\nReader if cash thou art\r\nIn want of any\r\nDig 4 feet deep\r\nAnd thou wilt find a Penny.\r\n\r\n On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:\r\nShe always said her feet were killing her\r\nbut nobody believed her.\r\n\r\n In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:\r\nOn the 22nd of June\r\n- Jonathan Fiddle -\r\nWent out of tune.\r\n\r\n Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:\r\nHere lies the body of our Anna\r\nDone to death by a banana\r\nIt wasn't the fruit that laid her low\r\nBut the skin of the thing that made her go.\r\n\r\n More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:\r\nGone away\r\nOwin' more\r\nThan he could pay.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12861,
"title": "Last Words I"
},
{
"body": "On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:\r\nHere lies\r\nEzekial Aikle\r\nAge 102\r\nThe Good\r\nDie Young.\r\n\r\n In a London, England cemetery:\r\nAnn Mann\r\nHere lies Ann Mann,\r\nWho lived an old maid\r\nBut died an old Mann.\r\nDec. 8, 1767\r\n\r\n In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:\r\nAnna Wallace\r\nThe children of Israel wanted bread\r\nAnd the Lord sent them manna,\r\nOld clerk Wallace wanted a wife,\r\nAnd the Devil sent him Anna.\r\n\r\n Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:\r\nHere lies\r\nJohnny Yeast\r\nPardon me\r\nFor not rising.\r\n \r\n Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:\r\nHere lies the body\r\nof Jonathan Blake\r\nStepped on the gas\r\nInstead of the brake.\r\n\r\n In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:\r\nHere lays Butch,\r\nWe planted him raw.\r\nHe was quick on the trigger,\r\nBut slow on the draw.\r\n\r\n A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:\r\nSacred to the memory of\r\nmy husband John Barnes\r\nwho died January 3, 1803\r\nHis comely young widow, aged 23, has\r\nmany qualifications of a good wife, and\r\nyearns to be comforted.\r\n\r\n A lawyer's epitaph in England:\r\nSir John Strange\r\nHere lies an honest lawyer,\r\nAnd that is Strange.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12862,
"title": "Last Words III"
},
{
"body": "A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, \"Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles.\"\r\nThe boy replied, \"That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12863,
"title": "The Lost Purse"
},
{
"body": "Float like a butterfly\r\nSting like a bee\r\nI slept with yo momma\r\nNow it burns when I pee !",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12864,
"title": "A Poem About Yo NASTY MOMMA"
},
{
"body": "Why do chicken coops have two doors?\r\n\r\nBecause if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12865,
"title": "Chicken Coop"
},
{
"body": "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember everything.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12866,
"title": "And Nothing But ..."
},
{
"body": "\"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week -- all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn.\" --Stephen Colbert \r\n\r\n\"Yesterday Condoleezza Rice went into President Bush's office and said, 'I'm off to Lebanon.' And President Bush said, 'Vacation?'.\" --Jay Leno \r\n\r\n\"Saddam Hussein has been on a hunger strike for seventeen days. They had to nurse him back to health with a feeding tube to get him healthy enough so he can go back on trial. And then be put to death. It is an odd thing. Two years ago, we were dropping ten thousand pound bombs on the guy. Now we're feeding him nutrients through a tube. No wonder he's confused.\" --Jimmy Kimmel \r\n\r\n\"This Friday, 'American Idol' winner Taylor Hicks will go to the White House to meet with President Bush. That's pretty cool, isn't it? Imagine an awkward Southern guy, who nobody thought could win anything, sitting down with the 'American Idol,' Taylor Hicks.\" --Jay Leno \r\n\r\n\"Earlier today, former President Bill Clinton campaigned for Senator Joe Lieberman. Clinton got the crowd so worked up that they had trouble sleeping through the Lieberman speech.\" --David Letterman \r\n\r\n\"In the debate in the House the other day on banning gay marriage, Democratic Tennessee Congressman Lincoln Davis said we should go one step further and outlaw adultery and make it a felony. Have an affair and you can go to prison. And you thought a lot of congressmen went to jail for bribery. How overcrowded is it going to be now?\" --Jay Leno",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12868,
"title": "Recent Quips From Late Night"
},
{
"body": "On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, which expressed \"Deepest Sympathy\".\r\n\r\nWhile puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, it's all right,\" said the storekeeper. \"I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.\"\r\n\r\n\"But,\" added the florist, \"I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, what did it say?\" ask the storekeeper.\r\n\r\n\"'Congratulations on your new location',\" was the reply.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12871,
"title": "Florist Mistake"
},
{
"body": "The Vice President and his best friends were out hunting \r\nbirds. People in the office knew that the best friend had \r\nsome dirt on the vice president. When the vice president \r\ncame back from hunting, the guy that owned the hunting place asked, \"Where's your friend?\" The Vice President started to shake and said, \"Oh he's still hunting. I have my animals in this gym bag here.\" \"O.k.\" \r\nA week later he came back alone. Then when he got to the car the next day a police man was writing a parking ticket. The officer said, \"Sorry, sir, but I have to write you a ticket,\" and glanced at his police partner in his police car. Then the Vice President said, \"Ok, let me just unlock the car and I'll be on my way.\" Then when he clicked the trunk opener by accident, the trunk popped, and there was his best friend dead in the trunk and he said, \"Oops ...\"\r\n\r\nThis shows how stupid some politicans can be.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 12876,
"title": "The Shot in the Head"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you get free tickets to a concert fast?\r\n\r\nA: Bring a gun to the box-office.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12880,
"title": "Free Tickets"
},
{
"body": "1. Order a cheese burger with no cheese.\r\n\r\n2. Ask if they would like to buy some soap.\r\n\r\n3. Sing \"I think your tractor's sexy\" \r\n\r\n4. If you're in a drive-through, say, \"Man, I think you're ugly.\"\r\n\r\n5. Keep changing your order for over an hour.\r\n\r\n6. When you pull up to the window, try to make it look like your window won't go down.\r\n\r\n7. Ask how much it would be to be in the restaurant while in the drive through.\r\n\r\n8. Have a Chinese accent and order a soda but not a certain kind and say, \"No, no Dr. Pepper he no certified doctor.\"\r\n\r\n9. In the drive through say, \"I'm holding Ronald McDonald hostage. For his release I want 3 big macs and a sonic toy.\"\r\n\r\n10. If you're at a life insurance place, order a big mac.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12882,
"title": "Fun Ways to Order Fast Food"
},
{
"body": "When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a \"portable hand-held communications inscriber\", says a Republican senator.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 12883,
"title": "2B Or Not 2B?"
},
{
"body": "William P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12884,
"title": "Do As I Say . . ."
},
{
"body": "A bunch of men are in a locker room at the gym, just out from the steam room. One man's phone rings, he answers it. The conversation between him and his girlfriend is as follows: \"Hey honey!\" \"hey...\" \"I love ya!\" \"When are you gonna be home to feed us?\" \"Fuck ya'all! I hate you! The kids can starve!\" \"I've been loyal to you and this is what I get?!\" \"Go fuck a cow!\" \"I never wanna see your face again!\" \"Yours neither!\" The man hangs up, laughing. \"So, who's phone is this anyway?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12890,
"title": "Kinda Like the Perfect Husband, Exept a Twist to It"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock!\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n \r\nYa. \r\n\r\nYa who? \r\n\r\nWhat are you getting so excited about?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12894,
"title": "Knock Knock"
},
{
"body": "You know you're a video game freak if ...\r\n\r\nYou hire a babysitter to watch your video games.\r\n\r\nWhen you go swimming you put your nintendo D.S. in the glove box so no one will try to commit a felony and try to steal it.\r\n\r\nYou cry when your data gets deleted.\r\n\r\nWhen you lose a disc you blame everyone you can so you can be in denial.\r\n\r\nYou have every system since the pong game.\r\n\r\nYou know who and when created all of your games.\r\n\r\nYou are eaisly entertained when you hear that the nintendo stock market raises.\r\n\r\nYou talk to your friends for two hours discussing which is better: Age of mythology or Age of Empires, only to come to the conclusion that you're eating pizza tonight to discuss it deeper.\r\n\r\nWhen you get on to someone elses computer you refer to yourself as a \"hacker.\"\r\n\r\nYou pray that to God that there's no power outage in the next 3 days because you have to do some \"light\" gaming.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 12897,
"title": "You Know You're a Video Game Freak If ..."
},
{
"body": "Now I lay me down to sleep;\r\n\r\nIf I die before I wake,\r\n\r\nPlease somebody; step on the BRAKE!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 12898,
"title": "Now I Lay Me.."
},
{
"body": "Josh was never the most gifted child, but for this he couldn't really be blamed. His mother, Maria, was no better than him. However, the singular talent that he possessed was an odd one: He could memorize everything he ate. His mother didn't see this as satisfactory, but she decided to put his talent to good use; how you ask? Simply by writing, \"Brilliant! Be brilliant!\" on his lunch bag!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12901,
"title": "Gifted?"
},
{
"body": "Don't worry, you aren't fat. You're only \"fluffy\"!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12902,
"title": "You Aren't Fat!"
},
{
"body": "A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.\r\n\r\nUnfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.\r\n\r\nCalling out to the patient, the man says, \"Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?\"\r\n\r\nThe patient calls back, \"One moment!\" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.\r\n\r\nWith a compass, the patient locates north, and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.\r\n\r\nWithdrawing a slide ruler from his pocket, the patient calculates stuff rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian saying, \"It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.\"\r\n\r\nThe man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.\r\n\r\nBefore he leaves, he says to the patient, \"That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?\" The patient holds up his wrist and says, \"I suppose I'd just look at my watch.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 12903,
"title": "Time"
},
{
"body": "FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director\r\nTO: All Employees\r\nDATE: December 1\r\nRE: Christmas Party\r\n\r\nI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.\r\n\r\nThere will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols - feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.\r\n\r\nExchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.\r\n\r\nThis gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.\r\n\r\nPatty",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12904,
"title": "December 1"
},
{
"body": "(To understand this joke you should read the Wocka joke entitled:\r\nDecember 1st.\r\nEnjoy.)\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nFROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director\r\nTO: All Employees\r\nDATE: December 2nd\r\nRE: Holiday Party\r\n\r\nIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.\r\n\r\nWe recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our \"Holiday Party.\"\r\n\r\nThe same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No\r\nChristmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.\r\n\r\nHappy now?\r\n\r\nHappy Holidays to you and your families.\r\n\r\nPatty\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n(Continuation Wocka Joke entitled:\r\nDecember 3rd.)",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12905,
"title": "December 2nd"
},
{
"body": "(To fully enjoy this joke, please read the Wocka jokes entittled:\r\nDecember 1st\r\nDecember 2nd\r\nEnjoy!)\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nFROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director\r\nTO: All Employees\r\nDATE: December 3rd\r\nRE: Holiday Party\r\n\r\nRegarding the note I received from a member of \"Alcoholics Anonymous\" requesting a non-drinking table - you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, \"AA Only\", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?\r\n\r\nForget about the gifts exchange. No gift exchangements are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.\r\n\r\nNO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED!!!\r\n\r\nPatty\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n(Continuation Wocka joke:\r\nDecember 7th.)",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12906,
"title": "December 3rd"
},
{
"body": "(To truely enjoy this joke you should first read Wocka jokes:\r\nDecember 1st.\r\nDecember 2nd.\r\nDecember 3rd.\r\nEnjoy!)\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nFROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director\r\nTO: All Employees\r\nDATE: December 7th\r\nRE: Holiday Party\r\n\r\nWhat a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!\r\n\r\nSeriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy bags.\r\n\r\nWill that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.\r\n\r\nLesbians do not have to sit with gay men and vice versa; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross-dress, no cross-dressing allowed. \r\n\r\nWe will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste before you eat.\r\n\r\nThere will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply \"No Sugar\" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?\r\n\r\nPatty\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n(Continuation is Wocka joke:\r\nDecember 10th.)",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12907,
"title": "December 7th"
},
{
"body": "(To understand this joke, you should read the Wocka jokes:\r\nDecember 1st.\r\nDecember 2nd.\r\nDecember 3rd.\r\nDecember 7th.\r\nEnjoy!)\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nFROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director\r\nTO: All Employees\r\nDATE: December 10th\r\nRE: The Holiday Party\r\n\r\nVegetarians? I've had it with you people! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not. So you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the \"grill of death,\" as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar (including organic tomatoes).\r\n\r\nBut you know, tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! \r\n\r\nThe Bitch from HELL!\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n(Continuation joke on Wocka:\r\nDecember 14th.)",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12908,
"title": "December 10th"
},
{
"body": "FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director\r\nTO: All Employees\r\nDATE: December 14\r\nRE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party\r\n\r\nI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.\r\n\r\nHappy Holidays!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12909,
"title": "December 14"
},
{
"body": "Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet. \r\n\r\nKerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.\r\n\r\nGreat Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.\r\n\r\nPekinese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.\r\n\r\nIrish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.\r\n\r\nLabrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists everywhere.\r\n\r\nNewfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.\r\n\r\nTerrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.\r\n\r\nMalamute + Pointer = Moot Point, a dog that....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.\r\n\r\nCollie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.\r\n\r\nDeerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.\r\n \r\nBull Terrier + Shih Tzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12910,
"title": "Crazy Mixed-up Pup"
},
{
"body": "WARNING: if your answer \"yes\" to any of these questions then you know that you are weird and you believe too much in dragons.\r\n\r\nOcasionally when you see a bird do you find yourself saying \"O merlin hand me my mighty sword so I can slay this foul dragon\"?\r\n\r\nDo you find yourself trying to rob a bank with a bow and arrow?\r\n\r\nDo you have any \"magic staffs\" lying around?\r\n\r\nDo you search for dragon eggs for at least 1 hour every day?\r\n\r\nDo you refer to your car as your \"trusty steed\"?\r\n\r\nDo your think your phone is a magical scrying device?\r\n\r\nWhen you call the cops, do you call them the saviors?\r\n\r\nHave you ever seen yourself writing in an ancient language(A.K.A. gibberish.)?\r\n\r\nWhen you kill something or when your refering to something dead do you call it \"slain\"?\r\n\r\nWhenever someone turns off the light do you scream \"ahh magic, run and fear from the evil witch!\"?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12911,
"title": "Do Know If You are Crazy About Medieval Times?"
},
{
"body": "1) The Code of Ethics for Lawyers.\r\n\r\n2) Americans' Guide to Etiquette.\r\n\r\n3) The World Guide to Good American Beer.\r\n\r\n4) Safe Places to Travel in the USA.\r\n\r\n5) Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity.\r\n\r\n6) The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle.\r\n\r\n7) Consumer Marketing Ethics.\r\n\r\n8) Career Opportunities for History Majors.\r\n\r\n9) Great Women Drivers Of Today.\r\n\r\n10) Beauty Secrets by Janet Reno.\r\n\r\n11) Things I Love About Bill \r\n By: Hillary Clinton.\r\n\r\n12) My Life's Memories \r\n By: Ronald Reagan.\r\n\r\n13) Things I Can't Afford \r\n By: Bill Gates.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12912,
"title": "Books You Might Not Find"
},
{
"body": "Two Arab fathers are showing each other their family photos. One shows the other a picture and says \"This is my oldest, he is a martyr. This is my second oldest, he is also a martyr.\" The other Arab father just sighs and says \"Ahh, they blow up so quickly these days!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12914,
"title": "Two Arab Fathers"
},
{
"body": "The Fandersan family is a family with two parents and two kids.\r\n\r\nOne day, Mr. Fandersan decided to bring home a state of the art moterhome. When he got home with the motorhome, he left it in the driveway. He then went to bed.\r\n\r\nBut, the next day it was missing. On the driveway there was a note. It said,\r\n\r\n\"We have stolen the motorhome.\"\r\n\r\n\r\nThe parents were freaked out!!\r\n\"This is a parent's worst nightmare!! Our kids have stolen the car AND are home alone!!!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12915,
"title": "Motorhome Gone Wild"
},
{
"body": "Dick Cheney had a problem. He was been sued for 200 million dollars. He asks everybody in the West Wing for advice. However, only President Bush has any good advice: \" Why don't you take them hunting?\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 12916,
"title": "Suing The Government"
},
{
"body": "Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of the weddings on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new husbands. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.\r\n\r\nWhen she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughter's room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.\r\n\r\nThe next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, \"Why were you screaming last night?\" The daughter replied \"Mom, you always told me if something hurt I should scream.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's true.\" She looked at her second daughter. \"Why were you laughing so much last night?\"\r\n\r\nThe daughter replied \"Mom, you always said that if something tickled you should laugh.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's also true.\" Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. \"Why was it so quiet in your room last night?\"\r\n\r\nThe youngest daughter replied \"Mom, you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12921,
"title": "The Three Daughters"
},
{
"body": "Elderly Man Sued for Stopping at Stop Sign\r\nSeptember 9, 2002 - Atlanta, USA\r\n\r\nIn a case possibly first of its kind, 67 year old Arthur Thompson is being sued by 32 year old Lynn Manaouski for stopping at a 4-way stop sign. In her statement she described how she came up to the intersection leading into her downtown condo, and rear ended the driver in front of her due to his 'complete and full stop'. She continues to say that of the almost 2 years of living in that particular condominium complex, she had not once been behind someone who had made a full stop at the stop sign, and that his inability to be 'consistent with typical driving patterns' caused the accident. As a result, she is convinced that Mr. Thompson is directly responsible for the accident and should be held accountable for all incurred costs of repair to both vehicles. When reminded that it is the law to make a complete stop at a stop sign, her abrupt response was \"I am quite capable of deciding when it is a good or bad time to stop my vehicle.\"\r\n\r\nOwner of Perfect House Lives in Car\r\nSeptember 18, 2002 - Baltimore, USA\r\n\r\nIn fear of possibly disturbing the perfection that is his house, Donald Manison has been forced to live in his 1998 Dodge Caravan. \"I became obsessive, everything in the house was so photo-perfect that I was eventually scared of walking on the carpet in fear that I might disturb the direction of the carpet threads.\" Magazines wanting a glimpse and photos of the perfect house were limited to viewing through opened ground floor windows. When asked how long he will continue his present lifestyle he replied, \"If living in my mini-van is payment for a perfect house, I'm willing to pay.\"\r\n\r\nLack of Talent Contest Being Held for Next Batch of Mac Commercials\r\nJuly 22, 2002 - New York, USA\r\n\r\nApple's new \"Switch\" television ad campaign, featuring people who didn't quite know what to do with a Windows based PC that moved to that Mac platform, will continue into the summer season. In order to find actors similarly dense and ignorant to the ones featured in the first batch of commercials, Apple will be holding a Lack of Talent contest. Campaign producer Ted Zielchman commented, \"All of the actors we were getting from the talent agencies were too intelligent, and these are people who are usually rejected based on lack of intelligence, so we are faced with a unique problem. I believe though, based on the applicants for the contest so far, we have some likely candidates. Some were unable to even spell their name and had that 'not so bright look on their face' - consistent with the first batch of actors we used. The first batch were easy to find, we visited the local district Mac Club. After that we simply had a hard time finding anyone willing to admit being an Apple user.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 12922,
"title": "Funny True News Articles"
},
{
"body": "1. Eat nothing but gas-inducing foods the entire trip, not hesitating to 'share the wealth' with everyone on board. Recommended foods are chilli, burritos, McDonalds, any eggs, Kentuky Fried Chicken (stay near the toilet if you want the KFC).\r\n\r\n2. Repeat #1, only engage in a 'cuppy war' with the bus driver. (For those that do not know what a 'cuppy' is, it involves making a cup with your hand, farting in it and slipping it directly into the face of some unsuspecting friend.)\r\n\r\n3. Every time the bus wobbles from the wind caused by passing transports, jump up and scream \"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!\"\r\n\r\n4. Incessantly complain that it is way too cold in the bus, no matter what the temperature is, keep doing it until the bus driver turns the heat up to full blast just to shut you up, then wait a few minutes for it to get really hot and start to complain about it.\r\n\r\n5. Two words: Water Pistol\r\n\r\n6. Two more words: Paper Airplanes\r\n\r\n7. Make racing car noises constantly, occasionally announcing your progress along the 'racetrack' in an announcer voice. When anyone comes up to you and asks what the fuck you are doing, look at them funny and ask how they got in your NASCAR.\r\n\r\n8. Eat nothing but really noisy foods, such as bags of chips, nachos, tacos, individually wrapped candies and unwrap them as loudly as possible. Also eat them noisily, chewing with your mouth open and making the loudest possible slopping noises.\r\n\r\n9. Purchase a megaphone, 'nuff said.\r\n\r\n10. Engage in some hot, wild sex at the back of the bus with one or more passengers.\r\n\r\n11. Sit at the back of the bus, turning off all the lights around you and keeping the blinds down, keep a black briefcase on your lap at all times, wear a black trench coat and a black hat, look really nervous, don't talk to anybody and keep glancing at your watch.\r\n\r\n12. Walk up and down the aisle, claiming out loud that you are Jesus and blessing everyone with a half-eaten leg of Kentucky Fried Chicken.\r\n\r\n13. When the bus is driving all alone on a long stretch of highway, preferably completely devoid of life of any sort, suddenly jump up and start running up and down the aisle, flailing your arms and screaming as loud and you can.\r\n\r\n14. Then after 30 seconds or so, sit down at your seat and act like nothing happened.\r\n\r\n15. When the bus stops for a food break, instead of following the other passengers to a restaurant, sit outside in front of the big picture window on the ground with a struggling burlap sack. Open the sack and remove some small, live animal (cat, squirrel, rat, pigeon, etc) and eat it like a feral dog would, in the view of everyone else. Make lots of growling noises, snarl and snap at people who get too close.\r\n\r\n16. Use the bathroom often, for disturbingly long periods of time. Make lots of grunting and straining noises, loud enough for everyone to hear. Occasionally drop an orange into the bowl from a good height.\r\n\r\n17. When in the bathroom, wait for the bus to hit a huge pothole or bump, then scream for help, claiming you are now shitting on your head.\r\n\r\n18. Get on the bus first, pick the seat right behind the bus driver, as everyone gets on, greet each one of them with a hug and a kiss.\r\n\r\n19. At night when everyone is sleepy and unsuspecting, suddenly start barking as loud as possible; feel free to use megaphone.\r\n\r\n20. Play with knives, just like Bishop on Aliens!\r\n\r\n21. Clean a .357 Magnum, if that doesn't get people's attention, cleaning the rest of your on-board hand collection will.\r\n\r\n22. When someone is in the toilet, bang on the door and yell at them to get out as quickly as possible. Then just as they open the door, put a strained look on your face and say \"Never mind...\" then drive the point home by farting.\r\n\r\n23. Musical chairs, using your 200 watt boom box.\r\n\r\n24. Come onto the bus with a beanie on, sit down and put your walkman headphone buds up your nose. When the person sitting beside you looks at you like you are from Mars, say, \"Mishap during an operation, Doctors just aren't the same these days.\"\r\n\r\n25. When sitting down in your seat, pull out a small collection of vomit bags, look through them and ask the person beside you, \"If I run out, do you have any paper or plastic bags? I'm not picky, either would be fine.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12923,
"title": "25 Things to Do When in a Long Bus Ride"
},
{
"body": "Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.\r\n\r\nTell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens. \r\n\r\nPunch the body and tell people that he hit you first. \r\n\r\nTell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover. \r\n\r\nAsk someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased. \r\n\r\nAt the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo. \r\n\r\nWalk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it. \r\n\r\nAsk the widow to give you a kiss. \r\n\r\nDrive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.\r\n\r\nTell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.\r\n\r\nPut a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.\r\n\r\nSlip a whoopee cushion under the widow. \r\n\r\nLeave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased. \r\n\r\nTell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over. \r\n\r\nUrge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood. \r\n\r\nWalk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them. \r\n\r\nUse the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.\r\n\r\nAsk the widow for money which the deceased owes you.\r\n\r\nTake up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.\r\n\r\nAsk the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.\r\n\r\nPut Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.\r\n\r\nShow up at the funeral services in a clown suit.\r\n\r\nIf the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.\r\n\r\nWhen no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.\r\n\r\nToss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream \"MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!\" and pretend to faint.\r\n\r\nAt the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.\r\n\r\nGet someone to call you on your cell phone during ceremony and pretend your talking to the deceased person.\r\n\r\nGoose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.\r\n\r\nCirculate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.\r\n\r\nTell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.\r\n\r\nPromise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.\r\n\r\nWrite \"Best before last week\" on the top of the coffin when nobody is looking.\r\n\r\nAccidentally sneeze on the deceased, and literally wipe the smile off his face.\r\n\r\nIf its a woman, spread her legs and write \"Dying for a Shag\" on the side of the coffin.\r\n\r\nSob extremely loudly.\r\n\r\nDump plastic toy bugs on top of the body.\r\n\r\nHide a recorder under the coffin playing \"Stayin' Alive\" during the ceremony.\r\n\r\nWear '70s style retro clothing to the funeral, complete with golden peace sign necklace.\r\n\r\nBe an outspoken pessimist.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12924,
"title": "How to Get Yourself Kicked Out of a Funeral"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mamma is so poor, when you asked for milk she said,\"left or right?\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12925,
"title": "So Poor"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 12929,
"title": "Publishers"
},
{
"body": "One of the funniest things I've heard in a long time.\r\n\r\nI was watching T.V. and an advertisement for the show, \"Monk\" comes on. I don't watch the show, but I love the commercials \r\n\r\nHe says to a Dr:\r\n\"I'm not even stalking you. At least not at the moment.\"\r\n\r\nI laughed for at least ten minutes. Even snorted.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12931,
"title": "Heard This One on T.V."
},
{
"body": "There was a lady that had a 3 year old son and one was coming on the way (she was pregnant). When the 3 year old asked his mother why her stomach was so big, she told him that it was just gas (she didn't want to give him a confusing explanation).\r\nThe day that the baby was born, the 3 year old came up to the baby and said, \"Hey, Fart!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12933,
"title": "Hey FART"
},
{
"body": "Man in car,\r\nWent to bar.\r\nFeeling nifty,\r\nDoing fifty.\r\nHit a car,\r\nPoor old soul.\r\nDoctor's fee,\r\nCEMETARY!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12937,
"title": "Poor Drunken Soul"
},
{
"body": "You are stuck in a room with absolutely no doors, no windows, and no escape. You are surrounded by 415 inch think metal walls. All you have is a mirror and a table.\r\n\r\nHow do you get out?\r\n\r\nWell, you look into the mirror. You saw yourself, right? Now, use the saw to chop the table in half. To halves make a whole, so jump through the hole. Then yell at the top of your lungs until your voice is hoarse, then jump on the horse and ride away!\r\n\r\n=)",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12938,
"title": "Stuck in a Room"
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were on the run from a cop after stealing from a shop. They decided to hide in some trees.\r\n\r\nThe cop passes by the trees, and he knocks the tree that the redhead was in. She said \"squawk, squawk, squawk\". So the cop said \"Oh, it's just a bird\". Then he knocks the tree that the brunette was in. She made noises like a squirrel, so the cop said \"Oh, it's just a squirrel\". Then the cop goes and knocks the tree the blonde was in and she said \"moo, moo, moo\". The cop got alerted and so the 3 of them was on the run again.\r\n\r\nThis time, the decide to hide in some bags. The cop comes by and kicks the bag the redhead was in, and she said \"meow, meow, meow\". So the cop said \"Oh, it's just a cat\". Then he kicks the bag the brunette was in. She said \"woof, woof, woof\", so the cop said \"Oh, it's just a dog\". Then the cop goes and kicks the bag that the blonde was in, and the blonde goes \"potato, potato, potato\". The cop got alerted so yet again because of the blonde's stupidity they are on the run again.\r\n\r\nAlas, they get tired and stop. They get caught by the cop. He calls reinforcements. They all face prosecution. The cops cocked their guns and asked the redhead \"Any last words?\", and she points behind the copssays \"LOOK! TSUNAMI!\". When the cops turned around, she runs away. The cops turn back, feeling slightly foolish. Now they ask the brunette \"Any last words?\", and she points behind them and says \"LOOK! TORNADO!\". And since these were very stupid cops, they fell for the same trick twice. Exasperated, they turn back at the blonde and they ask \"Any last words?\", and she says \"LOOK! FIRE\".",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12940,
"title": "Blonde Stupidity"
},
{
"body": "...relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.\r\n\r\n...you can achieve a \"Runners High\" by sitting up.\r\n\r\n...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.\r\n\r\n...the Sun is too loud.\r\n\r\n...trees begin chasing you.\r\n\r\n...you can see individual air molecules vibrating.\r\n\r\n...you begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.\r\n\r\n...you wonder if brewing is really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.\r\n\r\n...you can hear mimes.\r\n\r\n...you believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.\r\n\r\n...things become \"Very Clear.\"\r\n\r\n...you ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.\r\n\r\n...you begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.\r\n\r\n...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.\r\n\r\n...you keep yelling \"STOP TOUCHING ME!\" even though you are the only one in the room.\r\n\r\n...your heart beats in 7/8 time.\r\n\r\n...you and Reality file for divorce.\r\n\r\n...you can skip without a rope.\r\n\r\n...it appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.\r\n\r\n...you have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.\r\n\r\n...you can travel without moving.\r\n\r\n...antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.\r\n\r\n...you discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.\r\n\r\n...you begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.\r\n\r\n...teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.\r\n\r\n...you have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.\r\n\r\n...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12942,
"title": "You Know You're Too Stressed If..."
},
{
"body": "1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.\r\n\r\n2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.\r\n\r\n3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.\r\n\r\n4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.\r\n\r\n5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.\r\n\r\n6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.\r\n\r\n7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.\r\n\r\n8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.\r\n\r\n9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.\r\n\r\n10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, \"Just once.\"\r\n\r\n11. No movie. Don't need one.\r\n\r\n12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.\r\n\r\n13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.\r\n\r\n14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12943,
"title": "You Know You Just Bought a Budget Plane Ticket When..."
},
{
"body": "Q: What did one chart say to the other?\r\n\r\nA: \"My! You're awfully graphic!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12947,
"title": "Graphic!"
},
{
"body": "Some small ads that didn't quite come out right on paper -\r\n\r\n\r\nFor Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.\r\n\r\nFor Sale - Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.\r\n\r\nGreat Dames for sale.\r\n\r\nDog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.\r\n\r\n2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.\r\n\r\nLost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12951,
"title": "Funny Small Ads"
},
{
"body": "Did they mean these ads to read as they do?\r\n\r\n\r\nMan, honest. Will take anything.\r\n\r\nWanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.\r\n \r\nGirl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.\r\n\r\nWanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.\r\n\r\n3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.\r\n\r\nOur experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.\r\n\r\nWanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.\r\n\r\nWanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.\r\n\r\nWanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.\r\n\r\nMan wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 12952,
"title": "What DO They Mean?"
},
{
"body": "The Indian chief introduced his wife to a newspaper reporter; \"This is Three Horse.\" \r\n\r\n\"That's a picturesque name,\" said the reporter. \"Does it have deep symbolism?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" the chief replied. \"Nag, nag, nag!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12956,
"title": "Native American Wife"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma is soooo poor that her front and back door are on the same hinge!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12958,
"title": "Yo Momma House........."
},
{
"body": "Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? . . .\r\n\r\nDR. PHIL:\r\nThe problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on \"THIS\" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the \"OTHER SIDE\" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his \"CURRENT\" problems before adding \"NEW\" problems.\r\n\r\nOPRAH:\r\nWell, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road \r\nand not live his life like the rest of the chickens.\r\n\r\nGEORGE W. BUSH:\r\nWe don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We\r\njust want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. \r\nThe chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.\r\n\r\nDONALD RUMSFELD:\r\nNow to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.\r\n\r\nANDERSON COOPER/CNN:\r\nWe have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.\r\n\r\nJOHN KERRY:\r\nAlthough I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.\r\n\r\nJUDGE JUDY:\r\nThat chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.\r\n\r\nPAT BUCHANAN:\r\nTo steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.\r\n\r\nMARTHA STEWART:\r\nNo one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.\r\n\r\nDR SEUSS:\r\nDid the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?\r\nYes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.\r\n\r\nERNEST HEMINGWAY:\r\nTo die in the rain. Alone.\r\n\r\nJERRY FALWELL:\r\nBecause the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the \"other side.\"\r\nThat's why they call it the \"other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like \"the other side.\" That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!\r\n\r\nGRANDPA:\r\nIn my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.\r\nSomebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.\r\n\r\nBARBARA WALTERS:\r\nIsn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.\r\n\r\nJOHN LENNON:\r\nImagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.\r\n\r\nARISTOTLE:\r\nIt is the nature of chickens to cross the road.\r\n\r\nBILL GATES:\r\nI have just released eChicken2006,which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of chicken.\r\nThe Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \\..... reboot.\r\n\r\nALBERT EINSTEIN:\r\nDid the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?\r\n\r\nBILL CLINTON:\r\nI did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?\r\n\r\nAL GORE:\r\nI invented the chicken!\r\n\r\nCOLONEL SANDERS:\r\nDid I miss one?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12959,
"title": "Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock\r\n\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\n\r\nIdunnap.\r\n\r\n\r\nIdunnap who?\r\n\r\n\r\nWell, you best get to the toilet then!\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n(For those of you who don't understand you're meant to say, \"i done a poo!\")",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 12960,
"title": "I've Done a Poo."
},
{
"body": "Aren't you tired of those stupid, mushy greeting cards down at the card store? Here's what a real friend would send to another...\r\n\r\nDear friend, \r\n When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad...\r\n When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you...\r\n When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid...\r\n When you are scared, I'll will rag about it every chance I get...\r\n When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whinin'...\r\n When you are confuse, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass...\r\n When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have...\r\n When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass...\r\n Sincerely, \r\n Your friend",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 12961,
"title": "From a TRUE Friend"
},
{
"body": "While reading a newspaper, Morty came across an article about a beautiful actress marrying a football player who was not noted for his IQ.\r\n\r\n\"I'll never understand,\" he said to his wife, \"Why do the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.\"\r\n\r\nHis wife replied, \"Why, thank you, dear.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12964,
"title": "Quick Wit"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma smells so bad, when she went into the enchanted forest, all the skunks commited suicide!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 12965,
"title": "Smell So Bad"
},
{
"body": "What did one snowman say to the other snowman?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nDo you smell carrots?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12969,
"title": "Snowmen"
},
{
"body": "You're like school on Saturday... NO CLASS!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12970,
"title": "School Dis"
},
{
"body": "Have you heard about camping?\r\n\r\nIt's intense. (In tents!)",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 12971,
"title": "Camping"
},
{
"body": "A farmer and his son live on a farm in the middle of Nowhere, USA. One day the farmboy says to his father, \"I'm bored.\"\r\nHis father replies, \"What are you talking about? Farm life is great!\" He then adds, \"However, I will admit, it is a little slow though. Nothing much to do except count the bricks in the silo.\"\r\n\r\nTo this the boy says, \"11,827.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12973,
"title": "Farm Life"
},
{
"body": "How do you catch a unique rabbit? \r\n\r\nYou nique up on it! \r\n\r\n\r\nHow do you catch a tame rabbit? \r\n\r\nThe tame way!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12974,
"title": "Rabbit"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? \r\n\r\n\r\nA licalottapus!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12975,
"title": "Lesbian Dinosaur..."
},
{
"body": "One lesbian said to the other, \"I'll just be Frank with you,\"\r\n...and the other said, \"Ok, you be Frank today and I'll be Frank tommorrow.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12977,
"title": "Lesbian"
},
{
"body": "What do you call two Chinese queers? \r\n\r\nTwo can chew!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12979,
"title": "Chinese Queers"
},
{
"body": "There was this blonde who had taken up golf for a long time. When she was ready to play, the 1st round she came back in 20 minutes and told the pro she was stung by a bee. He asked where. She said, \"Between the first hole and the second hole.\" He said, \"Sounds like your stance is too wide.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 12980,
"title": "Blonde Golf"
},
{
"body": "Where do you find a dog with no legs? \r\n\r\nWhere you left him!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12981,
"title": "Dog With No Legs"
},
{
"body": "One day, at lunch at an elementary school, the cafeteria was serving swiss cheese. A little girl received her meal and was disgusted by it.\r\n\r\n\"Miss lunch lady,\" she said at the end of the line, \"I don't like the holes in my cheese.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's okay,\" she said. \"Just eat around them and leave them on your plate.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12982,
"title": "No Holes, Please"
},
{
"body": "There were three guys at an award ceremony for their school: a not-so-smart one, an average one, and a smart one. \r\n\r\nThe not-so-smart one proudly boasts, \"I'm going to receive an award today!\"\r\n\r\nThe average one was a bit skeptical about this and asks, \"What kind of award will that be?\"\r\n\r\nBefore the not-so-smart on was able to reply, the smart one said, \"The Most Improved Award.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 12983,
"title": "Three Guys and Awards"
},
{
"body": "A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.\r\n\r\nShe lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.\r\n\r\nThinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.\r\nAgain a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.\r\n\r\nExasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.\r\nThe manager says he'll be right up.\r\n\r\nThe manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.\r\n\"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!\"\r\nSo he lies down next to the wife.\r\n\r\nJust then the husband walks in. \"What,\" he says, \"are you doing here!?!\"\r\n\r\nThe manager calmly replies, \"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12986,
"title": "Waiting For the Train"
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed.\r\n\r\nThe husband says, \"I thought we'd have sex tonight.\"\r\n\r\nThe wife replies, \"No, I'm too tired tonight.\"\r\n\r\nThe husband says, \"Is that your final answer?\"\r\n\r\nThe wife says, \"Yes, it is, thank you.\"\r\n\r\nThe husband says, \"OK, then, I'd like to phone a friend.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 12988,
"title": "Who Wants to be a Millionare?"
},
{
"body": "Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty\r\n(Just how guilty was he?)\r\n\r\nLegislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty\r\n(I say, give it to him.)\r\n\r\nMan Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper Nor Body Found\r\n(What?)\r\n\r\nAfter Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth\r\n(Well, this confirms what many of us have suspected about California.)\r\n\r\nWoman Improving After Fatal Crash\r\n(Modern science is amazing, isn't it?)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12990,
"title": "More Headlines"
},
{
"body": "A woman goes into a doctor's office complaining that she has constant pains in her stomach.\r\n\r\nThe doctor brings her into the examining room and asks, \"Well, Ma'am, are you constipated?\"\r\nThe woman replies, \"No, I am not. I go to the bathroom every morning at 8:15, just like clockwork.\"\r\nThe doctor asks, \"Every day, are you sure?\"\r\nThe woman replies, \"Yes, I never miss a day, every day at 8:15am I am on the toilet.\"\r\n\r\nWell, the doctor ponders this because obviously the woman is not constipated so he sends her for a battery of tests.\r\n\r\nThe doctor calls the lady a couple of days later and has her come into his office.\r\n\r\n\"Well, Ms., I have found the problem it seems that you have 3 tapeworms in your stomach and that is causing you all the discomfort.\"\r\nThe lady looks a little scared and asks, \"Well doc, what can we do about it?\"\r\nThe doctor replies, \"Oh, not to worry, just a simple operation to remove the worms; we will schedule it for tommorrow morning at 11:00 am.\"\r\nThe lady thanks the doctor and heads home to get a good night's sleep before her surgery.\r\n\r\nOn the way home the 3 worms in the lady's stomach are talking to each other.\r\n1st worm, \"Oh crap, what are we gonna do?\"\r\n2nd worm, \"Well, I am going to go up and hide behind the heart. I should be safe there!\"\r\n1st worm, \"Good idea, I am going to go hide behind the liver, I should be safe there!\"\r\n3rd worm, \"Well, I don't know about you two, but I am taking the 8:15 out of here in the morning!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 12991,
"title": "The 8:15"
},
{
"body": "Beer... it's the cause and solution to all men's problems!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 12992,
"title": "A Homer Simpson Gem"
},
{
"body": "Who is the patron saint of playgrounds?\r\n\r\nSt. Francis of a see-saw!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 12993,
"title": "The Saint"
},
{
"body": "I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.\r\nThe money is always greener in the other guy's wallet.\r\nWhen money talks, no one criticizes its accent.\r\nI love my cat. My cat does not care.\r\nMy bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.\r\nEveryone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.\r\nDo not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.\r\nDon't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.\r\nWhat if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about?\r\nDoes it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt?\r\nA balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.\r\nJesus loves you, but I think you're a jerk.\r\nThousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.\r\nMadness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12994,
"title": "T-Shirt Messages I"
},
{
"body": "I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.\r\nIf I save time, when do I get it back?\r\nWhat was the best thing before sliced bread?\r\nConsciousness: That annoying time between naps.\r\nExperience is something you don't get until just after you need it.\r\nThe gene pool could use a little chlorine.\r\nI may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.\r\nI'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.\r\nIt's lonely at the top, but you eat better.\r\nSmile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.\r\nIf the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.\r\nWhy does your nose run and your feet smell?\r\nDoes fuzzy logic tickle?\r\nAll men are animals; some just make better pets.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12995,
"title": "T-Shirt Messages II"
},
{
"body": "Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.\r\n\r\nGod put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. \r\n\r\nRight now, I am so far behind I will live forever.\r\n\r\nLife is too short. Don't be a jerk.\r\n\r\nFriends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.\r\n\r\nIf life is like a bowl of cherries, then I'm living in the pits!\r\n\r\nGood judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.\r\n\r\nIf they don't have chocolate in heaven, I'm not going.\r\nGerms attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds.\r\n\r\nIt's not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It's the jerks.\r\n\r\nI don't know what I want, but I do know I don't have it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12996,
"title": "T-Shirt Messages III"
},
{
"body": "Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.\r\n\r\nThe difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.\r\n\r\nDrive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.\r\n\r\nGo ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK.\r\n\r\nSTRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.\r\n\r\nI don't work here. I'm a consultant.\r\n\r\nWhen in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain)\r\n\r\nConstant change is here to stay.\r\n\r\nDon't let the past hold you back. You're missing today's good stuff!\r\nEnthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic!\r\n\r\nEducation is expensive, but ignorance is more so.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 12997,
"title": "T-Shirt Messages IV"
},
{
"body": "During work Mike and John are chatting,\r\nMike: \"I've been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week.\"\r\nJohn: \"Oh!\" \r\nMike: \"For example, do you know who Graham Bell is?\"\r\nJohn: \"No.\"\r\nMike: \"He is the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know this.\"\r\n\r\nThe next day the same discussiontook place:\r\nMike: \"Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?\"\r\nJohn: \"No.\"\r\nMike: \"He is the author of \"The 3 Musketeers\". If you took night courses you would know this.\"\r\n\r\nThe next day, once again:\r\nMike: \"And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?\"\r\nJohn: \"No.\"\r\nMike: \"He's the author of \"Confessions\", if you took night courses you would know this.\"\r\n\r\nNow this time John got irritated and said, \"And do you know who Steven Turner is?\"\r\nMike: \"No.\"\r\nJohn: \"He is the guy sleeping with your wife! If you stopped night duties you would know this!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13002,
"title": "Night Shift"
},
{
"body": "What is the one thing you get at a wedding and cannot give back no matter how much you despise and hate it?\r\n\r\n\r\nIN-LAWS!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13004,
"title": "Wedding Gifts"
},
{
"body": "Confucius say...\r\n ~He who value skin does not wash cat",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13005,
"title": "Sage Advice"
},
{
"body": "There are four people on a plane. a guy from england, a guy from france, a guy from texas, and a guy from mexico, all of a sudden the plane starts falling out of the sky. The pilot says \"We a losing altitude we need to get rid of some weight. So they throw everything out of the plane, but its still falling. So the english guy says\" for the queen\" and jumps out, the french guy says\" vi va la france\" and jumps out. The texan say \"for the alamo\" he grabs the mexican and throws him out.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13006,
"title": "Alamo"
},
{
"body": "1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.\r\n(why wait that long)\r\n\r\n2) Thou shall not do drugs.\r\n(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)\r\n\r\n3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.\r\n(Walmart has a bigger selection)\r\n\r\n4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.\r\n(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)\r\n\r\n5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.\r\n(everyone knows grandma has more money)\r\n\r\n6) Thou shall not get into fights.\r\n(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)\r\n\r\n7) Thou shall not skip class.\r\n(just take the whole day off)\r\n\r\n8) Thou shall not strip in class.\r\n(Hooters pays more)\r\n\r\n9) Thou shall not think about having sex.\r\n(like Nike says, \"just do it\")\r\n\r\n10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.\r\n(just leave'm in the middle)",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13011,
"title": "10 Commandments of a Teenager"
},
{
"body": "The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.\r\n\r\n\"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A\"\r\n\r\nAll the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said \"apple\".\r\n\r\n\"Very good\", said the teacher, \"now B\".\r\n\r\nJohnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said \"ball\".\r\n\r\nThis went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to \"R\". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.\r\n\r\nThe teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with \"R\". So she picked Johnny.\r\n\r\nJohnny stands up and says: \"R...Rat...a big, fat, fuckin' Rat!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13012,
"title": "Jonny At It Again"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?\r\nA: I don't know, I've never seen either.\r\n\r\nQ: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?\r\nA: (1)No mind (2)No business",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13018,
"title": "Men"
},
{
"body": "Bill and Tim are out one day test driving cars. They happen to pull up to the same stop light side by side.\r\n\r\nBill yells out his window, \"HEY TIM, Corvette?\"\r\n\r\nTim yells back \"YUP THIS IS A CORVETTE\"\r\n\r\nTim yells again \"HEY BILL, Audi?\"\r\n\r\nBill jumps out of his car pulls up his shirt, points to his belly button and says, \"Nope! I got an INNY!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13019,
"title": "Audi"
},
{
"body": "This summer, I went on a trip to Houston. I needed to go really badly, so I stopped behind a tree. A minute later, I darted out being chased by a hungry squirrel. He wanted some nuts.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13020,
"title": "Road Trip"
},
{
"body": "Below are questions that people \"actually asked\" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.\r\n(Source: Outside Magazine)\r\n\r\nGrand Canyon National Park...\r\nWas this man-made?\r\nDo you light it up at night?\r\nI bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom - where is it?\r\nSo where are the faces of the presidents?\r\n\r\nEverglades National Park...\r\nAre the alligators real?\r\nAre the baby alligators for sale?\r\nWhere are all the rides?\r\nWhat time does the two o'clock bus leave?\r\n\r\nDenali National Park (Alaska)...\r\nWhat time do you feed the bears?\r\nCan you show me where the yeti lives?\r\nHow often do you mow the tundra?\r\nHow much does Mount McKinley weigh?\r\n\r\nMesa Verde National Park...\r\nDid people build this, or did Indians?\r\nWhy did they build the ruins so close to the road?\r\nWhat did they worship in the kivas - their own made-up religion?\r\nDo you know of any undiscovered ruins?\r\nWhy did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?\r\n\r\nCarlsbad Caverns National Park...\r\nHow much of the cave is underground?\r\nSo what's in the unexplored part of the cave?\r\nDoes it ever rain in here?\r\nHow many ping-pong balls would it take to fill this up?\r\nSo what is this - just a hole in the ground?\r\n\r\nYosemite National Park...\r\nWhere are the cages for the animals?\r\nWhat time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?\r\nCan I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?\r\n\r\nYellowstone National Park...\r\nDoes Old Faithful erupt at night?\r\nHow do you turn it on?\r\nWhen does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?\r\nWe had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 13024,
"title": "Stupid Asked Questions"
},
{
"body": "Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!\r\nWARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out :)\r\n\r\n1: Reply to everything someone says with, \"that's what YOU think!\"\r\n\r\n2: Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets.\r\n(This one is especially useful if you're having a yard sale!)\r\n\r\n3: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask - \"are you sure?\"\r\n(Not recommended at Biker Bars)\r\n\r\n4: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying \"blah, blah, blah, blah\".\r\n\r\n5: Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.\r\n(Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)\r\n\r\n6: Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: \"Do you hear that?\" \"What?\" \"Never mind, it's gone now.\" If they answer you, go to plan 4 above. Be prepared to run real fast :)\r\n\r\n7: Go to the local electronics or appliance store. Adjust the tint on all their TV's so that all the people are green. When an employees asks what you're doing, insist that you \"like it that way.\"\r\n\r\n8: Drive around your city or town honking at pedestians. Flip them off while driving by. Collect points for reactions:\r\n\r\nA: They flip you off - plus 20 points.\r\nB: They wave at you - minus 10 points.\r\nC: No reaction or blank stare - minus 10 points.\r\nD: They trip or run into something while staring - plus 25 points.\r\nBonus: If they fall down, give yourself 100 points.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13025,
"title": "Bored... Try These Out For a Spin"
},
{
"body": "Stressed out...try some of these relaxing tidbits :)\r\n\r\n1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.\r\n(This one is great to teach nieces and nephews!)\r\n\r\n2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.\r\n(Even better to call after doing it and say you didn't authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!)\r\n\r\n3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.\r\n(This one keeps cats and men occupied for a while.)\r\n\r\n4. When someone says \"Have a nice day\" tell them you have other plans.\r\n(Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?)\r\n\r\n5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.\r\n(And if she's cute, always ask if assistance is available.)\r\n\r\n6. Dance naked in front of your pets.\r\n(Not recommended for anyone with a pet gorilla.)\r\n\r\n7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing is wrong.\r\n(You can get real creative here...especially if you put a dress on your son.)\r\n\r\n8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.\r\n(Trust me...they're in there! I found 70 in just the A's!)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13026,
"title": "A Few Ways to Handle Stress!"
},
{
"body": "Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...\r\n\r\nAn intellect rivaled only by garden tools.\r\nAs smart as bait.\r\nDoesn't have all his dogs on one leash.\r\nDoesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.\r\nElevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.\r\nForgot to pay his brain bill.\r\nHis belt doesn't go through all the loops.\r\nIf he had another brain, it would be lonely.\r\nMissing a few buttons on his remote control.\r\nProof that evolution CAN go in reverse.\r\nReceiver is off the hook.\r\nSurfing in Nebraska.\r\nAn experiment in Artificial Stupidity.\r\nA few beers short of a six-pack.\r\nA few peas short of a casserole.\r\nThe cheese slid off his cracker.\r\nWarning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.\r\nCouldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.\r\nHe fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.\r\nNot the sharpest knife in the drawer.\r\nName it Hubluza",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13027,
"title": "Expressing Stupidity Just Like Mom Would... (Or At Least Mine)"
},
{
"body": "Questions that have Confused humankind!!\r\n\r\nWho was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"\r\n\r\nWho was the first person to say, \"See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.\"\r\n\r\nWhy do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?\r\n\r\nWhy is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?\r\n\r\nIf Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?\r\n\r\nCan a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?\r\n\r\nIf the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?\r\n\r\nWhy do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?\r\n\r\nWhy does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?\r\n\r\nWhy does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! \r\n\r\nWhat do you call male ballerinas?\r\n\r\nCan blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??\r\n\r\nIf Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn't he just buy dinner?\r\n\r\nIf quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?\r\n\r\nIf corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?\r\n\r\nIf electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?\r\n\r\nIsn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?\r\n\r\nWhy do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? \r\n\r\nDo illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?\r\n\r\nWhy do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?\r\n\r\nDid you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?\r\n\r\nDoes pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13028,
"title": "Questions That Have Confused Us All"
},
{
"body": "An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -\r\n\"I want to feel your breasts\" he exclaimed.\r\n\"Get away from me, you crazy old man\" she replied.\r\n\r\n\"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars,\" he says.\r\n\"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!\"\r\n\r\n\"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS\" he stated.\r\n\"NO! Get away from me!\"\r\n\"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS\" he offered.\r\nShe paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, \"I said NO!\"\r\n\r\n\"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts,\" he claimed.\r\nShe thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....\r\n\"Well, OK...but only for a minute.\"\r\n\r\nShe loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, \"OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...\" while he was caressing them.\r\n\r\nOut of curiosity, she asked him, \"Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?\"\r\n\r\nWhile continuing to feel her breasts he answered, \"OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...\r\nOH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13030,
"title": "Dirty Old Man"
},
{
"body": "IBM and IBC combine to create the perfect computer for financial management. Here's the headline on the weekly paper.\r\n\r\nIBM: Do You?",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13032,
"title": "Efficiency"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Billy why are you late?\r\nBilly: Because the sign said \"Children Slow\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13034,
"title": "Children Slow"
},
{
"body": "Question: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?\r\n\r\nAnswer: Elephino\r\n(Hell-if-I-know)",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13035,
"title": "Elephant Quiz"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?\r\n \r\nA vampire only sucks blood at night.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 13036,
"title": "Lawyers and Vampires"
},
{
"body": "A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. \r\n\r\nThinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. \r\n\r\nThe pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, \"Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.\" \r\n\r\nThe novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. \r\n\r\n\"Now what?\" the fellow asked the speechless pro. \r\n\r\n\"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup,\" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. \r\n\r\nThe retiree replied, \"Oh great! NOW you tell me!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13037,
"title": "The Natural"
},
{
"body": "Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. \r\n\r\nNow it was question time, and she asked, \"My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?\" \r\n\r\nA little boy on the front row proudly said, \"You're a mother!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13038,
"title": "Science Lesson"
},
{
"body": "I seen a commercial on T.V for a pill that helps with ED (erectile deficency). As one of the side effects the announcer said \"If you experience an erection for longer than four hours call your doctor.\" I thought call my doctor?? If I have an erection for more than four hours I am calling Ripley's Believe it or Not!!.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13039,
"title": "T.V Comercial"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so hairy that I thought she had herself in a headlock!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13040,
"title": "Yo Momma's So Hairy..."
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nNunya!\r\nNunya who?\r\nNunya Damn Business!!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 13041,
"title": "Knock Knock"
},
{
"body": "Life isn't fair.\r\n\r\n I went to my boss with a note from my doctor stating that I have multiple personalities. Now I do three different jobs and still only get one paycheck!!.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13042,
"title": "Life Isn't Fair"
},
{
"body": "A man and his parrot go for a walk and find a bunch of people trying to get a man out of a pothole. \r\nOne man yells, \"Throw him a rope,\" so the parrot repeats, \"Throw him a rope, throw him a rope.\"\r\n\r\nNext, the man and the parrot go to the deli and order a bologna sandwich.\r\nThe parrot repeats, \"Bologna, bologna.\"\r\n\r\nMext, the man goes to the carnival with his parrot, and play the game where you throw a dart at the balloon. The carni yells, \"Hit a color, win a prize,\" so the parrot repeats, \"Hit a color, win a prize, hit a color, win a prize.\"\r\n\r\nThe next day the man and his parrot go to church and the minister is talking about the devil, and the parrot yells, \"Throw him a rope, throw him a rope.\" \r\nThe priest then tells the parrot if he continues to be rude, he would be going to hell, to which the parrot replies\r\n\"Bologna, bologna.\"\r\nThe priest then gets angry and throws his bible at the parrot who ducked, the bible hit the black man in the pew behind him, and the parrot exclaims, \"Hit a color, win a prize, hit a color, win a prize!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13043,
"title": "Parrot"
},
{
"body": "How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer, Olive?\r\nYeah, you know, \"Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.\"\r\n\r\nWhat's the most popular wine at Christmas?\r\n\"I don't like sprouts\"!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13044,
"title": "Some Christmas One Liners"
},
{
"body": "What did you learn in school today?\r\nNot enough, apparently. I have to go back tomorrow!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13045,
"title": "Learning"
},
{
"body": "Why don't witches wear panties?\r\n\r\n\r\nTo get a better grip on their broom.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13047,
"title": "Witches"
},
{
"body": "Glow in the dark sunglasses\r\nA book on how to read\r\nA dictionary index\r\nWatermelon seed sorter\r\nZero proof alcohol\r\nReusable ice cubes\r\nSee through toilet tissue\r\nSkinless bananas\r\nDo it yourself roadmap",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13049,
"title": "Blond Inventions"
},
{
"body": "Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it every time he falls asleep.\r\nThe next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks, \"Who is our savior?\" Wilma pokes him with the needle, and he yells out \"JESUS!\" Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is, \"Who is Jesus's Father?\" Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out \"GOD!\" and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is, \"What did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time?\" Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells, \"IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13050,
"title": "Sleeping in a Church"
},
{
"body": "Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, \"Want coffee.\"\r\n\r\n\r\nThe waiter says, \"Sure, Chief, coming right up.\" He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.\r\n\r\nThe next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, \"Want coffee.\" The waiter says, \"Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?\"\r\n\r\nThe Indian smiles and proudly says, \"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 13052,
"title": "Shooting the Bull"
},
{
"body": "One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, \"I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him.\"\r\n\r\nSo the minister began his sermon.\r\n\r\nOne hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, \"Well, I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13055,
"title": "No Half Measures"
},
{
"body": "A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.\r\n\r\n\"Momma, look what I found,\" the boy called out.\r\n\r\n\"What have you got there, dear?\" his mother asked. With astonishment, he claimed: \"I think it's Adam's suit!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13056,
"title": "Leaf Among The Leaves"
},
{
"body": "A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked; \"How come after all these years we don't see you at services any more?\"\r\n\r\nThe old man lowered his voice. \"I'll tell you, Rabbi,\" he whispered. \"When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105, so I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13057,
"title": "Out of Sight . . ."
},
{
"body": "A collection of insults!\r\nFor two cents, I`d give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours. \r\n\r\nYou are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time! \r\n\r\nYou have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth! \r\n\r\nI heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office. \r\n\r\nI think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes! \r\n\r\nYou must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance. \r\n\r\nSome people are has-beens. You are a never-was. \r\n\r\nYou started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill ever since. \r\n\r\nYou are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt. \r\n\r\nI don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening. \r\n\r\nI heard that when you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork. \r\n\r\nI used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 13063,
"title": "A Collection of Insults"
},
{
"body": "Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...\r\n\r\nIf you don't know what it is, call it an 'issue'...\r\n\r\nIf you don't know how it works, call it a 'process'...\r\n\r\nIf you don't know whether its worth doing, call it an 'option'...\r\n\r\nIf you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a 'challenge' or an 'exciting opportunity'...\r\n\r\nIf you want to confuse people, ask them about 'customers'...\r\n\r\nIf you don't know how to do something, 'empower' someone else to do it for you...\r\n\r\nIf you can't take decisions, 'create space' for others to operate...\r\n\r\nIf you need a decision, call a 'workshop' to 'network' and 'ground\r\n\r\nthe issue', followed by an 'awayday' to 'position the elephant in the room' and achieve 'buy-in'...\r\n\r\nNever criticize or boast, call it 'information sharing'...\r\n\r\nNever call something a failure or mistake, its a 'positive learning experience'...\r\n\r\nNever argue, have an 'adult conversation'...\r\n\r\nHere are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...\r\n\r\nIf you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights...\r\n\r\nA pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt...\r\n\r\nDon't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted...\r\n\r\nIt doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do...\r\n\r\nAfter any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before...\r\n\r\nThe more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get...\r\n\r\nYou can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat...\r\n\r\nEat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day...\r\n\r\nWhen the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves...\r\n\r\nIf at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...\r\n\r\nThere will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office...\r\n\r\nKeep your boss's boss off your boss's back...\r\n\r\nEverything can be filed under \"pending.\"...\r\n\r\nNever delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour...\r\n\r\nTo err is human, to forgive is not our policy...\r\n\r\nAnyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing...\r\n\r\nImportant letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail...\r\n\r\nIf you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it...\r\n\r\nYou are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk...\r\n\r\nPeople who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't...\r\n\r\nIf it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done...\r\n\r\nAt work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying...\r\n\r\nWhen you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried...\r\n\r\nFollowing the rules will not get the job done...\r\n\r\nGetting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules...\r\n\r\nWhen confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, \"How would the Lone Ranger handle this?\"...\r\n\r\nNo matter how much you do, you never do enough...\r\n\r\nThe last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong...",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13068,
"title": "Useful Work Tips"
},
{
"body": "Act naturally\r\n\r\nHappily married\r\n\r\nMicrosoft Works\r\n\r\nHoly war\r\n\r\nFound missing\r\n\r\nResident alien\r\n\r\nMinor Catastrophe\r\n\r\nAffordable housing\r\n\r\nNear miss\r\n\r\nGreat depression\r\n\r\nCanadian army\r\n\r\nPhone sex\r\n\r\nUnited nations\r\n\r\nAdvanced BASIC\r\n\r\nGenuine imitation\r\n\r\nDeath benefits\r\n\r\nAirline Food\r\n\r\nWomen's rights\r\n\r\nGood grief\r\n\r\nSame difference\r\n\r\nAlmost exactly\r\n\r\nSensitive man\r\n\r\nGovernment organization\r\n\r\nEverything except\r\n\r\nCivil War\r\n\r\nGood kid\r\n\r\nSanitary landfill\r\n\r\nAlone together\r\n\r\nLegally drunk\r\n\r\nSilent scream\r\n\r\nBritish fashion\r\n\r\nLiving dead\r\n\r\nSmall crowd\r\n\r\nBusiness ethics\r\n\r\nSoft rock\r\n\r\nButt Head\r\n\r\nMilitary Intelligence\r\n\r\nSoftware documentation\r\n\r\nNew York culture\r\n\r\nNew classic\r\n\r\nSweet sorrow\r\n\r\nChildproof\r\n\r\n\"Now, then\"\r\n\r\nSynthetic natural gas\r\n\r\nChristian Scientists\r\n\r\nPassive aggressive\r\n\r\nTaped live\r\n\r\nClearly misunderstood\r\n\r\nPeace force\r\n\r\nExtinct Life\r\n\r\nTemporary tax increase\r\n\r\nNew and improved\r\n\r\nComputer jock\r\n\r\nPlastic glasses\r\n\r\nTerribly pleased\r\n\r\nComputer security\r\n\r\nPolitical science\r\n\r\nTight slacks\r\n\r\nDefinite maybe\r\n\r\nPretty ugly\r\n\r\nTwelve-ounce pound cake\r\n\r\nDiet ice cream\r\n\r\nRap music\r\n\r\nWorking vacation\r\n\r\nExact estimate\r\n\r\nReligious tolerance\r\n\r\nFreezer Burn\r\n\r\nHonest Politician\r\n\r\nJumbo Shrimp\r\n\r\nLoners Club\r\n\r\nPostal Service",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 13069,
"title": "Oxymorons"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that allowed them to claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf became a well traveled trail through the jungle. \r\n\r\nAll day, every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory. \r\n\r\nThe local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and very publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory. \r\n\r\nWhile he was leading a safari through the jungle, the travelers had to walk and cut vines with their machetes, and all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night. \r\n\r\nAfter setting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot. \r\n\r\nWhen the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, \"African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13071,
"title": "Two Lions"
},
{
"body": "A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. \"Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, Your Honor,\" the defendant replied. \"That's exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in anyway!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13072,
"title": "Repeat Offender"
},
{
"body": "You know what your problem is? Your brain is too tense...\r\ntoo tense the size of everybody else's.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 13073,
"title": "Brain is Too Tense"
},
{
"body": "Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.\r\n\r\nWhen Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.\r\n\r\nGloria came to the door, and Alan said, \"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?\"\r\n\r\nGloria said, \"I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.\"\r\n\r\nAlan asked, \"Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?\"\r\n\r\nGloria replied, \"No, just up to my waist.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13074,
"title": "Milk Bath"
},
{
"body": "The Redneck Oil Change Checklist\r\n\r\n1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.\r\n\r\n2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.\r\n\r\n3. Open a beer and drink it.\r\n\r\n4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.\r\n\r\n5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.\r\n\r\n6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.\r\n\r\n7. Place drain pan under engine.\r\n\r\n8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.\r\n\r\n9. Give up and use crescent wrench.\r\n\r\n10. Unscrew drain plug.\r\n\r\n11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.\r\n\r\n12. Clean up.\r\n\r\n13. Have another beer while oil is draining.\r\n\r\n14. Look for oil filter wrench.\r\n\r\n15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.\r\n\r\n16. Beer.\r\n\r\n17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.\r\n\r\n18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.\r\n\r\n19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.\r\n\r\n20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.\r\n\r\n21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.\r\n\r\n22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.\r\n\r\n23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.\r\n\r\n24. Remember drain plug from step 11.\r\n\r\n25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.\r\n\r\n26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.\r\n\r\n27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.\r\n\r\n28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.\r\n\r\n29. Begin cussing fit.\r\n\r\n30. Throw wrench.\r\n\r\n31. Cuss and complain.\r\n\r\n32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.\r\n\r\n33. Beer.\r\n\r\n34. Beer.\r\n\r\n35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.\r\n\r\n36. Beer.\r\n\r\n37. Lower car from jack stands\r\n\r\n38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands\r\n\r\n39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.\r\n\r\n40. Test drive car\r\n\r\n41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.\r\n\r\n42. Car gets impounded.\r\n\r\n43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.\r\n\r\nMoney Spent:\r\n\r\n$50 parts\r\n\r\n$12 beer\r\n\r\n$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!\r\n\r\n$1000 Bail\r\n\r\n$200 Impound and towing fee\r\n\r\nTotal: $1337\r\n\r\nTwo days of drinking beer and not getting yelled at by the wife = Priceless!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 13078,
"title": "Redneck Oil Change"
},
{
"body": "There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.\r\n\r\nHe left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: \"CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 13079,
"title": "Redneck Fight"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if...\r\n\r\nOn stag night, you take a real deer.\r\n\r\nYou use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.\r\n\r\nYour back porch is bigger than your house.\r\n\r\nThere is more oil in your cap than in your car.\r\n\r\nYou think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.\r\n\r\nA full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.\r\n\r\nAn expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.\r\n\r\nYou think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.\r\n\r\nYou watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.\r\n\r\nYour secret family recipe is illegal.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 13080,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck If...."
},
{
"body": "Noah went to see God to ask him for a new and improved 'ark'. \"Ok Noah. I think it is time you had a new ark\", God said. \"Take a seat, tell me your ideas, and I'll start a design\". \"Well, firstly, I'd like it to have plenty of floors. Say, 5 or 6\", Noah said. \"Ok... 5 or 6 floors\" \"I'd also like some spaces on the floors as well, to keep things in.\"\r\n\"Right, spaces.\" And with this God starts drawing a few designs for Noah. \"Would you like some animals in there to start you off?\" God asked him. \"Erm... Fish!\" Noah replied. \"Fish. Ok. What sort? Any in particular?\"\r\n\r\n\"Carp, and plenty of them\", Noah said. \"Carp. Anything else needed?\" God asked. And they went through various items such as the colour, doors, windows, etc. Finally, between them both they'd come up with a design that they both agreed on. Sitting back in his chair admiring the new 'ark', God asked Noah, \"So, what are you going to call it? Have you thought of anything?\" \"Well God. I thought I'd call it 'Noah's Multi-Story Carp Ark'",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13083,
"title": "Noah's New Ark"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma's so poor, she can't afford to go on welfare.\r\n\r\nYo mamma's so poor, she got thrown out of a homeless shelter.\r\n\r\nYo mamma's so poor, she tried to use food stamps on a gumball machine.\r\n\r\nYo mamma's so poor, a burgler broke into her house and left her some money.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13088,
"title": "You Mamma is SO Poor"
},
{
"body": "1#Yo momma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, \"Hey, Kool-Aid!\"\r\n\r\n2#Yo momma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.\r\n\r\n3#Yo momma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!\r\n\r\n4#Yo momma's so fat, she has her own zip code!\r\n\r\n5#Yo momma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.\r\n\r\n6#Yo momma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!\r\n\r\n7#Yo momma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!\r\n\r\n8#Yo momma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, \"Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?\r\n\r\n9#Yo momma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!\r\n\r\n10#Yo momma's so fat, she rents shade!\r\n\r\n11#Yo momma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!\r\n\r\n12#Yo momma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!\r\n\r\n13#Yo momma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.\r\n\r\n14#Yo momma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.\r\n\r\n15#Yo momma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!\r\n\r\n16#Yo momma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, \"to be continued.\"\r\n\r\n17#Yo momma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling \"taxi!\"\r\n\r\n18#Yo momma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.\r\n\r\n19#Yo momma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13089,
"title": "19 Ways, Your Momma is So Fat"
},
{
"body": "A blonde woman was at work when she received a phone call\r\n that her daughter was very sick with a fever.\r\n\r\nShe left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to\r\n get some medication.\r\n\r\nShe got back to her car and found that she had\r\n locked her keys in the car\r\n\r\nShe didn't know what to do, so she called home and\r\n told the baby sitter what had happened.\r\n\r\nThe baby sitter told her that the fever was getting\r\nworse. She said, \"You might find a coat hanger and\r\nuse that to open the door.\"\r\n\r\nThe woman looked around and found an old rusty coat\r\n hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by\r\nsomeone else who at some time had locked\r\ntheir keys in their car. She looked at the hanger\r\nand said, \"I don't know how to use this.\"\r\n\r\nShe bowed her head and asked God to send her help.\r\n\r\nWithin five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled\r\n up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was\r\nwearing an old biker skull rag on his head.\r\n\r\nThe woman thought, \"This is what you sent to help\r\n me?\" But, she was desperate, so she was also very\r\nthankful.\r\n\r\nThe man got off of his cycle and asked if he could\r\nhelp.\r\n\r\nShe said, \"Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped\r\n to get her some medication and I locked my keys in\r\nmy car. I must get home to her.\r\n\r\nPlease, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"Sure.\" He walked over to the car, and in\r\nless than a minute the car was opened. She hugged\r\nthe man and through her tears she said, \"Thank\r\nYou So Much! You are a very nice man.\"\r\n\r\nThe man replied, \"Lady, I am not a nice man. I just\r\n got out of prison today. I was in prison for car\r\ntheft and have only been out for about an hour.\"\r\n\r\nThe woman hugged the man again and with sobbing\r\n tears cried out loud, \"Oh, Thank you God! You even\r\nsent me a Professional!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13095,
"title": "Coat Hanger"
},
{
"body": "How do you know if you're in a gay church?\r\n\r\nIf half the congregation is kneeling!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13097,
"title": "Church"
},
{
"body": "It happened one time that a very old lady, whose husband had died, took a walk in the woods.\r\n\r\nShe came across a young man whose hormones were raging. \r\n\r\nThe young man tripped the old lady and came on top of her; she screamed and was heard by a couple walking not too far from them, but by the time they arrived the young man was doing the thing.\r\n\r\nWhen the young couple tried to pull him off the old lady,the old lady said, \"Let him go ahead and see what his intention is.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13100,
"title": "An Ol' Lady"
},
{
"body": "A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. \"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?\" he asked.\r\n\r\n\"No, Father. Just a little gas,\" Sister Susan explained.\r\n\r\nA month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. \"Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?\" he asked again.\r\n\r\n\"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas,\" she replied again. \r\n\r\nA couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, \"Cute little fart.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13102,
"title": "Cute Fart"
},
{
"body": "Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. \r\n\r\nThe horrified nurse said, \"Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?\"\r\n\r\nThe lady said, \"My phone doesn't have an eleven.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 13103,
"title": "911 Number"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. \"Does your dog bite?\"\r\n\r\n\"No.\"\r\n\r\nA few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.\r\n\r\n\"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!\" the man says indignantly.\r\n\r\n\"That's not my dog.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 13107,
"title": "Dog Bite"
},
{
"body": "The big list of fun stuff to do in that boring ol' courtroom of law...\r\n\r\n1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking.\r\n\r\n2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isn't looking.\r\n\r\n3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present.\r\n\r\n4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver.\r\n\r\n5. Stand up and yell \"OBJECTION!\" to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING.\r\n\r\n6. If you're the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table.\r\n\r\n7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles.\r\n\r\n8. Sing \"The Song That Never Ends\" incessantly.\r\n\r\n9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that you'll \"call him/her.\"\r\n\r\n10. Actually call him/her.\r\n\r\n11. Bring a kazoo.\r\n\r\n12. Act like you're doing something important, and ask them to \"keep it down.\"\r\n\r\n13. Every time the judge uses the gavel, keel over backwards and act like you've been shot.\r\n\r\n14. Bring a Gameboy and turn the sound up as far as it will go.\r\n\r\n15. Wait until everybody is completely focused on the trial, then blow a referee's whistle as loud as you can. Point to the person next to you and tell him to \"stop it!\"\r\n\r\n16. Pretend you turn into a pig when you get wet. Douse yourself in cold water and act like one.\r\n\r\n17. Call the judge a wuss when he issues the death penalty. When he accuses you of contempt of the court, look puzzled and ask him what it means. When he answers, object.\r\n\r\n18. Dress up like Santa Claus.\r\n\r\n19. Drink all of your lawyer's water, then ask for more. Then ask to go to the bathroom.\r\n\r\n20. Hiccup every time somebody says the word \"the.\"\r\n\r\n21. Change your plea every five minutes.\r\n\r\n22. If you're the judge, call the defendant the plaintiff, the plaintiff a lawyer, the witness a juror, and the jurors defendants. Call the lawyers \"Barney.\"\r\n\r\n23. Gurgle into the microphone.\r\n\r\n24. Complain aloud about that nasty wedgie you have, then take a poll of others in the audience if they too have a nasty wedgie.\r\n\r\n25. If in traffic court, when asked to stand, walk over to the judge and issue him a parking ticket on his desk.\r\n\r\n26. When asked to produce evidence, pick your nose, smear the snot on the table, point to it and say, \"From this it is obvious, I am not guilty!\"\r\n\r\n27. Wear those X-Ray vision glasses from Halloween, when someone walks past, stare them up and down then shake head in dismay.\r\n\r\n28. Popcorn and a large coke, if anyone asks about it, show them your ticket and say \"I'm a paying customer!\".\r\n\r\n29. Fart, pause momentarily, and comment under your breath, \"I've done better...\"\r\n\r\n30. Fart again later on, take a deep breath and state enthusiastically \"Now that's more like it!\".\r\n\r\n31. Bring a Lego replica of the courtroom, including Lego people, and imitate everything happening, including voices!\r\n\r\n32. When pronounced guilty, reply \"How about we try that again, this time Rock, Scissors, Paper - best of three!\"\r\n\r\n33. Bring toaster and wave a box of \"Tropical Sprinkles Pop Tarts\" around while asking \"Where's a damn plug around here!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13112,
"title": "How to Have Fun in a Courtroom"
},
{
"body": "Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.\r\n\r\nUse a different accent every time you talk to someone new.\r\n\r\nWhen getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings - make sure to use your hands!\r\n\r\nAsk the host, \"Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?\"\r\n\r\nTurn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!\r\n\r\nBring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.\r\n\r\nCough all over guests, then exclaim, \"Doctor says a few more years and I'll be cured...\"\r\n\r\nHang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.\r\n\r\nPlay a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works okay, too).\r\n\r\nIf there is music, mix up your dancing: break dance to classical, symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.\r\n\r\nIf you find your former dancing partner dancing with someone else, burst into tears, wailing, \"I thought you loved me!\" and run from the room.\r\n\r\nTell a middle-aged wife, \"Your husband seems very happy with that girl in the closet...\"\r\n\r\nTell a middle aged man, \"Your wife seems very happy with that boy in the closet...\"\r\n\r\nWhisper to the guest on your right, \"What kind of lame moron actually goes to these parties, anyway?\"\r\n\r\nBring Lego warships and fighter jets. Wage a war in the middle of the room. Urge other guests to get involved. If you are a historical expert, reenact the revolutionary war, the civil war, world war two, etc.\r\n\r\nBring a soccer ball, basketball, football, or baseball. Start a game... in the kitchen.\r\n\r\nKarate chop everywhere and everything. Yell really, really loud. A few sudden kicks would be worthwhile as well.\r\n\r\nWear wool or feathers and sneeze all night. \"The doctor says I'm not allergic to anything except sheep and birds...\"\r\n\r\nIf someone says the word no to you, say, \"How dare you turn down the prince/princess of Ugranialo!\"\r\n\r\nBurst into the room an hour late, sopping wet and screaming, \"I've done it! I've found Atlantis!\"\r\n\r\nPick out the oldest women at the party, run up to her, and exclaim, \"Grandmother! it's me, Anastasia!\"\r\n\r\nIf it is a summer party in the evening, break into a duet with another guest: \"Summer nights\". Persuade the host to sing \"You're the one that I want,\" with you.\r\n\r\nCome in saying, the guy outside in the lab coat is looking for (insert name of host).",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13117,
"title": "How to Have Fun at a Boring Party"
},
{
"body": "If you're going to go down, go down with style. Failing your final exam can actually be an amusing experience, depending on what you make of it. Here are some suggestions... \r\n\r\n1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, \"Oh geez, better get cracking.\" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. \r\n\r\n2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming \"Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!\" \r\n\r\n3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. \r\n\r\n4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. \r\n\r\n5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, \"I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.\" Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. \r\n\r\n6. Bring cheerleaders. \r\n\r\n7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, \"I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?\" \r\n\r\n8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level. \r\n\r\n9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. \r\n\r\n10. Bring pets. \r\n\r\n11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. \r\n\r\n12. Go to the instructor, say, \"They've found me, I have to leave the country.\" and run off. \r\n\r\n13. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out \"Merry Christmas.\" If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. \r\n\r\n14. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. \r\n\r\n15. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. \r\n\r\n16. Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else. \r\n\r\n17. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. \r\n\r\n18. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. \r\n\r\n19. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. \r\n\r\n20. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. \r\n\r\n21. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. \r\n\r\n22. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. \r\n\r\n23. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. \r\n\r\n24. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out\r\ninteresting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..). \r\n\r\n25. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. \r\n\r\n26. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out \"Screw this!\" and walk out triumphantly. \r\n\r\n27. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink). \r\n\r\n28. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you start to hold your mouth and make \"I'm about to bring something up\" sounds.). \r\n\r\n29. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, \"The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!\" \r\n\r\n30. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. \r\n\r\n31. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, \"I'm here, the phantom of the opera!\" until they drag you away. \r\n\r\n32. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. \r\n\r\n33. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say, \"You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!\" \r\n\r\n34. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said. \r\n\r\n35. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. \r\n\r\n36. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. \r\n\r\n37. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. \r\n\r\n38. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. \r\n\r\n39. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. \r\n\r\n40. Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment \"Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.\" \r\n\r\n41. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip. \r\n\r\n42. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. \r\n\r\n43. One word: Wrestlemania. \r\n\r\n44. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. \r\n\r\n45. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. \r\n\r\n46. Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. \r\n\r\n47. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. \r\n\r\n48. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. \r\n\r\n49. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. \r\n\r\n50. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. \r\n\r\n51. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say \"It helps me think.\" Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase \"Told you so\". \r\n\r\n52. Answer the exam with the \"Top Ten Reasons Why My Professor Sucks\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13121,
"title": "How to Have Fun on Your Final Exam Test"
},
{
"body": "This was set up by Google as a joke. Enjoy!\r\n\r\nPlease do the following:\r\n\r\n1. Open Google.\r\n\r\n2. Type, \"french military victories\".\r\n\r\n3. Click: I'm Feeling Lucky.\r\n\r\n4. Enjoy!",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 13124,
"title": "Google Trick"
},
{
"body": "This was set up by Google. Enjoy!\r\n\r\nPlease do the following:\r\n\r\n1. Open Google.\r\n\r\n2. Type \"failure\".\r\n\r\n3. Click: I'm Feeling Lucky.\r\n\r\n4. Enjoy!",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 13125,
"title": "Another Google Trick"
},
{
"body": "A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.\r\n\r\nThe officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, \"Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?\"\r\n\r\n\"Ever go fishing?\" the policeman suddenly asked the man.\r\n\r\n\"Ummm, yeah...\" the startled man replied.\r\n\r\nThe officer grinned and added, \"Ever catch *all* the fish?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13131,
"title": "Speeding"
},
{
"body": "Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?\r\nA. Slow down and use a lubricant.\r\nQ. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?\r\nA. Money.\r\nQ. What's the difference between your wife and your job?\r\nA. After five years your job will still suck.\r\nQ. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?\r\nA. It's not hard.\r\nQ. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?\r\nA. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen \r\n donuts.\r\nQ: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?\r\nA. She is the one who can eat the last donut!\r\nQ: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?\r\nA: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!\r\nQ: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?\r\nA: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13134,
"title": "Puns, Puns, and More Puns"
},
{
"body": "There was a blonde and a brunette in a car. The brunette hears a siren behind them, so she asks the blonde if its lights are on. \r\n\r\nThe blonde turns around and says \"yes, no, yes, no.....\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13137,
"title": "Siren"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you get if you drop a piano on the seventh dwarf?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA: A diminished seventh!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13141,
"title": "What Do You Get . . ."
},
{
"body": "Do you know why single women can't fart? \r\n\r\n Because they don't get assholes untill they get married.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13143,
"title": "A**Holes"
},
{
"body": "Professionals built the Titanic. An amateur built the ark.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13145,
"title": "Ark and Titanic"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar and throws down a bet. 100 dollars to anyone who can do 100 pushups. A man disappears outside and returns minutes later. \"I'll take that bet\" the man says, and collapses after 50 pushups. \"I don't get it\", he says,\" I just did 150 outside!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 13146,
"title": "Super Strength"
},
{
"body": "A man was settling down to his after-dinner drink when he daughter climbs onto his lap. \"Where does poo come from?\" asks his inquisitive girl.\r\n\r\nThe man knew these types of questions would come, and had given some thought to the answer he would give. \"Well, sweetheart, you know the dinner you just ate? Well, our bodies keep the good parts, called nutrients, so our bones and muscles can grow strong. The rest passes out of our backsides, and that's poo.\"\r\n\r\nAfter a shocked silence, the girl trembles through another question for her father... \"Umm... so where does Tigger come from?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13148,
"title": "Where Does it Come From?"
},
{
"body": "(This joke was copied from the \"Fresh Price of Bel Air\" show and are not my original jokes).\r\n\r\n\r\n40 is the begining.... the begining of the end. \r\n\r\n40 is the begining of life. Did I say life?... i meant gum disease!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13150,
"title": "40 YEARS OLD!!!"
},
{
"body": "1. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a \"massive internal fart.\"\r\nSubmitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada\r\n\r\n2. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, \"Keep off the grass.\"\r\n\r\nOnce the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, \"Sorry, had to mow the lawn.\"\r\nSubmitted by RN no name\r\n\r\n3. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.\r\nThe middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, \"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?\"\r\nShe replied, \"No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was, \"I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener\".\r\nDr. wouldn't submit his name",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 13151,
"title": "Three Doctor Stories"
},
{
"body": "All of his life Stosh had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.\r\n\r\nSo when Stosh's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Stan took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Stosh stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Stan just managed to pull him to safety.\r\n\r\nFurious and confused, Stosh went to see his grandmother. \"Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?\"\r\n\r\nGranny looked into Stosh's eyes and said, \"Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, but you were born in July.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13152,
"title": "Birthday Walk"
},
{
"body": "A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.\r\n\r\nAfter the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.\r\n\r\nThe flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, \"I'd rather be tied up and taken advantaged of by women of ill-repute than to let liquor touch my lips.\"\r\n\r\nThe cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, \"Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice....\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13153,
"title": "Whiskey and Soda"
},
{
"body": "\"You were speaking much too long on the phone just now, Miss Ponsonby,\" said Mr.Jones.\r\n\"But it was a business call, Mr. Jones.\"\r\n\"Well, please don't address our clients as 'sweetikins'in the future.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13154,
"title": "Business Call"
},
{
"body": "My mom had just placed some flypaper out when my little cousin wandered in. She was fascinated watching the flies get caught. Finally, my mom asked, \"Molly, don't you have flies in your house?\"\r\n\"Yeah, we have flies. We just don't have anything for them to sit on.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13155,
"title": "Flies"
},
{
"body": "A poor homeless man had 3 bananas; he had stolen one from a first grader, one from a fruit vendor, and the other was given to him by a humble old lady.\r\n\r\nAlong with the banana, the humble old lady gave him bus fare, partly because she wanted him to leave, and partly because she felt sorry for him.\r\n\r\nThe man jumped at the thought - he was going on a bus ride, something he hadn't done in a long time. He put one banana on either side of his torn and tatty pants, and the other banana in the back of his pants.\r\n\r\nHe waited at the bus station, and waited, and waited, until finally a bus came, and he climbed on.\r\n\r\nIt was one of those crowded buses, one with not much room to even sneeze.\r\n\r\nThe bus driver collected the money, and the homeless man found a cramped place to stand.\r\n\r\nEverything was going smoothly until the bus made a sharp turn to the left, the banana on the left side got squished. The bus made another sharp turn, one to the right, and you can guess what happened to the banana on the right. It got squished as well.\r\n\r\nThe homeless man was not going to lose the last piece of food that he had, so he grabbed the banana in the back.\r\n\r\nThe bus turned to the right, to the left, and the man didn't let go. The bus went up a hill, and then down, the man still didn't release the banana from his grip. The bus went over a rocky dirt path, jumping up and down due to the rocky road, the man held tighter.\r\n\r\nThey were back on smooth road, and the homeless man got tapped on the shoulder. The homeless man turned his head slightly and the man who had tapped him spoke:\r\n\r\n\"My stop is two blocks away.\" \r\n\r\nHe was breathing a bit too fast, basically gasping for air.\r\n\r\n\"So?\" the homeless man asked.\r\n\r\n\"I'm gonna need to get off,\" the man said, breathing uneasily.\r\n\r\n\"Then get off.\"\r\n\r\n\"Then let go.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13156,
"title": "3 Bananas"
},
{
"body": "How Smart Is Your Right Foot?\r\n\r\nThis is so funny that it will boggle your mind, and you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot - but you can't!\r\n\r\n1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.\r\n\r\n2. Now, while doing this, draw the number \"6\" in the air with your right hand.. Your foot will change direction!\r\n\r\nI told you so.. And there is nothing you can do about it!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13157,
"title": "****"
},
{
"body": "A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13160,
"title": "Seize The Moment"
},
{
"body": "Two older women were picking up a third friend for their weekly lunch when they accidentally ran over and killed her cat. It wasn't a pretty sight, so rather than leave it for the woman's husband to find, they scooped it into a Foley's bag and took it with them, intending to throw it away in the restaurant's dumpster.Upon their arrival, they discovered that the dumpster was locked. Not wanting to leave the bag in the car, they put in on the ground next to the car and went inside to eat. From their window table they could clearly see the car and bag, and so noticed immediately when a woman walked by the closed bag, looked at it with interest, and went on. In a few minutes she returned, looked a little more closely, glanced around to see if she were being watched, and strolled on. On her third pass, she casually picked up the bag without pausing, and continued on - into the restaurant! She let herself be seated, placed the bag and her purse on the floor next to her chair, and picked up the menu. She ordered, and again casually picked up the Foley's bag to see what wonderful little item she had managed to snag. She opened the bag, looked inside, shuddered, and passed out onto the floor. Instantly, restaurant staff came to her aid, dialed 911, and cared for her until the paramedics came and loaded her onto a stretcher to take her to the hospital. The last thing our three ladies saw was a paramedic as he picked up the woman's purse and the Foley's bag and placed both on her stomach as they wheeled her away.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13161,
"title": "The Older Lady"
},
{
"body": "A friend of mine and his family were taking a trip to the mall. On the way, their 18 month old son had a massive blow out poopy diaper. In the mall parking lot, the diaper was changed and put in a Dillard's bag. Embarrassed by the incredibly bad smell, the couple decided to leave the bag on the hood of the car to be thrown in a dumpster as opposed to a mall trash can. A couple of hours later when the family was returning to the car, they saw an old, beat up pick-up stop at their car. A young man jumped out and hurriedly threw the Dillard's bag into the cab. He got back in and the pick up sped off with what he thought was a mighty haul.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13162,
"title": "Could It Happen Again?"
},
{
"body": "Two unemployed guys are talking and onne says, \"I'm going to become a lion tamer.\"\r\n\r\nThe other replies, \"That's crazy, you don't know anything about lion taming.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes I do!\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, OK, answere this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what are you going to do?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, then I take that big chair, they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with his big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, then I take that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it into two? What you gonna do then?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of\r\nthe cage.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you are you going to do then?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun doesn't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13164,
"title": "Lion Tamer"
},
{
"body": "A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.\r\n\r\nHis wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.\r\n\r\n\"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink,\" she suggested smiling.\r\n\r\n\"Good idea,\" says the husband looking forward to being waited on.\r\n\r\nHe's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.\r\n\r\n\"If there's anything else you'd like just call,\" says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.\r\n\r\nWhen she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.\r\n\r\nA few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer\r\n\r\n\"What the heck is that for?\" asks the husband snappily.\r\n\r\n\"Oh Darling,\" says the wife, flustered, \"I thought I heard you say, \"Whataboutahottawaterbottle.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13166,
"title": "Bathtime Farts"
},
{
"body": "It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.\r\n\r\nAt around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender \"Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please.\"\r\n\r\nThe bartender looks at him skeptically. \"No you're not. You're just wearing a costume.\"\r\n\r\n\"No, no, really,\" he insists. \"I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please.\"\r\n\r\n\"Alright,\" the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.\r\n\r\n\"Thanks,\" he says, and leaves.\r\n\r\nAn hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says \"Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please.\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay,\" the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.\r\n\r\nAn hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. \"Hi,\" he says to to the bartender. \"I'm a vam...\"\r\n\r\n\"I know, I know,\" the bartender interrupts. \"You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?\"\r\n\r\n\"Um, no,\" the vampire answers. \"I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please.\"\r\n\r\n\"Sure\" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says \"You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?\"\r\n\r\nWithout answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.\r\n\r\n\"Tea time.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13169,
"title": "Vampires Go to a Bar"
},
{
"body": "Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.\r\nMadonna\r\n\r\nAll men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.\r\nHenry Youngman\r\n\r\nTo attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.\r\nRita Rudner\r\n\r\nThis guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'\r\nI said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'\r\nJudy Tenuta\r\n\r\nWomen speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.\r\nJean Kerr\r\n\r\nWomen now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.\r\nTim Allen\r\n\r\nI love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags.\r\nGwyneth Paltrow",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13173,
"title": "Men Quotes"
},
{
"body": "On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.\r\n\r\nThe neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, \"You should be hung!\"\r\n\r\nI slowly took a long drink from my can of Old Milwaukee Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Oakley sunglasses and looked at this nosy ass neighbor and replied,\r\n\r\n\"I am. That's why she cuts the grass.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13182,
"title": "Mowing and Beer"
},
{
"body": "Q. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? \r\nA. A good start! \r\n\r\nQ. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? \r\nA. His lips are moving. \r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? \r\nA. There are skid marks in front of the skunk. \r\n\r\nQ. Why won't sharks attack lawyers? \r\nA. Professional courtesy. \r\n\r\nQ. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? \r\nA. Not enough sand. \r\n\r\nQ. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? \r\nA. A Lobotomy. \r\n\r\nQ. How do you save five drowning lawyers? \r\nA. Who cares? \r\n\r\nQ. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers? \r\nA. A waste of cement. \r\n\r\nQ. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? \r\nA1. Shoot him before he hits the water. \r\nA2. Take your foot off his head. \r\n\r\nQ. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? \r\nA. Cut the rope. \r\n\r\nQ. What do you do if you run over a Lawyer? \r\nA1. Back over him to make sure. \r\nA2. Make another notch on the steering wheel. \r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of sh*t? \r\nA. The bucket. \r\n\r\nQ. What is the definition of a shame (as in \"that's a shame\")? \r\nA. When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff. \r\n\r\nQ. What is the definition of a \"crying shame\"? \r\nA. There was an empty seat. \r\n\r\nQ. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? \r\nA. Stick his bill up his ass. \r\n\r\nQ. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? \r\nA. An offer you can't understand. \r\n\r\nQ. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? \r\nA. From chasing parked ambulances. \r\n\r\nQ. Where can you find a good lawyer? \r\nA. In the cemetery. \r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? \r\nA. A gigolo only screws one person at a time. \r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? \r\nA. A vampire only sucks blood at night. \r\n\r\nQ. Why to lawyers wear neckties? \r\nA. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins. \r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? \r\nA. A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead. \r\n\r\nQ. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? \r\nA. It might be your bicycle. \r\n\r\nQ. What do lawyers use as contraceptives? \r\nA. Their personalities. \r\n\r\nQ. What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? \r\nA. A doberman. \r\n\r\nQ. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground? \r\nA. Deep down their good. \r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? \r\nA. One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish. \r\n\r\nQ. Why are lawyers great in bed? \r\nA. They get so much practice screwing people. \r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? \r\nA. The lawyer charges more. \r\n\r\nHear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?\r\nHe threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. \r\n\r\n\"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,\" sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. \"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,\" replied the witness. \r\n\r\nGod decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, \"And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?\" \r\n\r\nAn anxious woman goes to her doctor. \"Doctor,\" she asks nervously, \"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?\" \"Certainly,\" replies the doctor, \"Where do you think lawyers come from?\" \r\n\r\nAt a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, \"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?\" \"Really?\" the other replied, \"Why did you switch?\" \"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.\r\n\r\nSanta Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are not real. \r\n\r\nWhen a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. \r\n\r\nIt was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. \r\n\r\nA man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, \"Do you serve lawyers here?\" \"Sure do,\" replied the bartender. \"Good,\" said the man. \"Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 13184,
"title": "40 Great Lawyer Jokes"
},
{
"body": "New warning labels for liquor, wine and beer containers:\r\n\r\nWARNING:\r\nThe consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what in the world happened to your bra and panties.\r\n____\r\n\r\nWARNING:\r\nThe consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.\r\n____\r\n\r\nWARNING:\r\nThe consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.\r\n____\r\n\r\nWARNING:\r\nThe consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.\r\n____\r\n\r\nWARNING:\r\nThe consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.\r\n____\r\n\r\nWARNING:\r\nThe consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.\r\n____\r\n\r\nWARNING:\r\nThe consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.\r\n____\r\n\r\nWARNING:\r\nThe consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.\r\n\r\nWARNING:\r\nThe consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.\r\n____\r\n\r\nWARNING:\r\nThe consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.\r\n____",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13188,
"title": "ALCOHOL WARNING"
},
{
"body": "An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.\r\nHe goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, \"Well, get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13190,
"title": "AN OLD MAN"
},
{
"body": "You momma so stupid, when I asked her,\"Why she was yelling into an envelope.\"She said \"She was trying to send voice mail.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13191,
"title": "Voice Mail"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat and stupid, when her doctor told her to go on a seafood diet, she says OK, I see food, I eat it.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13193,
"title": "Diet"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, when she entered a fat contest she won 1st, 2nd, and 3rd prizes.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13195,
"title": "Fat Contest"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a cute volcano?\r\n\r\nLava-ble!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13199,
"title": "A Cute Volcano"
},
{
"body": "I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13200,
"title": "Brains"
},
{
"body": "Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?\r\nA. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.\r\n\r\nQ. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?\r\nA. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.\r\n\r\nQ. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?\r\nA. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.\r\n\r\nQ. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?\r\nA. Certainly not. As far as we can see.\r\n\r\nQ. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?\r\nA. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a \"professional\" when their needs become too great.\r\n\r\nQ. Should a cover always be used for faxing?\r\nA. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.\r\n\r\nQ. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?\r\nA. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.\r\n\r\nQ. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?\r\nA. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.\r\n\r\nQ. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?\r\nA. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.\r\n\r\nQ. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?\r\nA. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13203,
"title": "Practice Safe Fax"
},
{
"body": "There were two groups of people.\r\nThe first one was of a taxi driver who was driving at a high speed that all the passengers knelt and prayed.\r\nThe second was of a priest who was preaching but boring the people to the extent that they started walking out.\r\nWHO BROUGHT PEOPLE CLOSER TO GOD?\r\n\r\nThe taxi-driver.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13209,
"title": "THE CONGREGATIONS"
},
{
"body": "In 1976, the Pentagon returned 50 security doors because of a design flaw.\r\nThe doors, which cost $1,500.00 each, had titanium locks and handles, and a 0.0001\" clearance at all edges. The problem was discovered when an angry secretary threw her coffee cup at one of the doors. It went right through the\r\n1/16 inch wood veneer. It was also discovered that if you pulled on the handle, it would come off in your hand. \r\n\r\nIn 1948, Mayor Jose Hussong, of Baja California, Mexico had a section of highway named after him by the people of his city. On the day it was to be dedicated, a group of officials waited for him to arrive. After they had waited for 2 hours, one of the officials went to the mayor's estate. He was informed that the mayor had been dead for 2 years. The official returned to the dedication and announced that the Mayor was unable to attend due to\r\nhealth problems.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13213,
"title": "You Couldn't Make It Up II"
},
{
"body": "Here's to all the Secret Santas! Enjoy! \r\n\r\nIt was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really upset. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies, the elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in, making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners. \r\n\r\nSanta was beside himself with anger. \"I CAN'T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and my elves are on strike, all my reindeer are drunk, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't back YET! What am I going to do?\" \r\n\r\nJust then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. \r\n\r\n\"Yo, Santa,\" he said. \"Where do you want me to stick the Christmas tree this year?\"\r\n\r\nAnd thus the tradition of an Angel atop the Christmas tree came to pass...",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13214,
"title": "Sanity Claus"
},
{
"body": "'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. \r\n\r\nThe prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.\r\n\r\nHastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline recipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - \"Now Dasher, now Dancer...\" et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.\r\n\r\nAs I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.\r\n\r\nHis orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. \r\n\r\nClenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless. \r\n\r\nWithout utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: \"Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13215,
"title": "'Twas The Night Before Christmas"
},
{
"body": "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not flunk;\r\nHe keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying.\r\nHe leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break;\r\nHe restoreth my faith in study guides.\r\nHe leads me to better study habits\r\nFor my grades sake.\r\nYea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades,\r\nI will not have a nervous breakdown;\r\nFor thou art with me.\r\nMy prayers and my friends, they comfort me.\r\nThou givest me answers in moments of blankness;\r\nThou anointest my head with understanding.\r\nMy test paper runneth over with questions I recognize.\r\nSurely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me\r\nAll the days of my examinations,\r\nAnd I shall not have to dwell in this university forever,\r\nAmen!",
"category": "College",
"id": 13216,
"title": "The Lord is My Shepherd"
},
{
"body": "Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness \r\n\r\n\"I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.\"\r\n\r\n\"Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.\"\r\n\r\n\"Blink once for 'yes'.\" \r\n\r\n\"What do you mean we have the wrong patient?\"\r\n\r\n\"Why is there a tag on his toe?\"\r\n\r\n\"Do you think he can hear us?\"\r\n\r\n\"I didn't even know a human could bend that way.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry, we must not have used enough anasthesia.\"\r\n\r\n\"Just relax now. We'll be done in a jiffy.\"\r\n\r\n\"Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open.\"\r\n\r\n\"Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?\"\r\n\r\n\"Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!\"\r\n\r\n\"Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down.\" \r\n\r\n\"It'll make a great 'ER' script.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 13217,
"title": "Things You Don't Want to Hear"
},
{
"body": "'Twas the night before finals,\r\nAnd all through the college,\r\nThe students were praying\r\nFor last-minute knowledge.\r\nOut in the taverns,\r\nA few were still drinking,\r\nAnd hoping that liquor\r\nWould loosen their thinking.\r\nIn my own room,\r\nI had been pacing,\r\nAnd dreading exams\r\nI soon would be facing.\r\nMy roommate was speechless,\r\nHis nose in his book,\r\nAnd my comments to him\r\nDrew unfriendly looks.\r\nI drained all the coffee,\r\nAnd brewed a new pot,\r\nNo longer caring\r\nThat my nerves were shot.\r\nI stared at my notes,\r\nBut my thoughts were all muddy;\r\nMy eyes went ablur,\r\nAnd I just couldn't study.\r\n\"Some pizza might help,\"\r\nI said with a shiver,\r\nBut each place I called\r\nRefused to deliver.\r\nI'd nearly concluded\r\nThat life was too cruel,\r\nWith futures depending\r\nOn grades earned in school.\r\nWhen all of a sudden\r\nOur door opened wide\r\nAnd Patron Saint Put-It-Off\r\nAmbled inside.\r\nHis spirit was careless,\r\nHis manner was mellow,\r\nBut summoning effort\r\nHe started to bellow:\r\n\"What kind of student\r\nWould make such a fuss\r\nTo toss back at teachers\r\nWhat they have tossed us? \r\n\r\nOn Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!\r\nOn Last Year's Exams!\r\nOn Wing-it and Sling-it,\r\nAnd Last-Minute Crams!\"\r\nHis message delivered,\r\nHe vanished from sight,\r\nBut we heard him laughing\r\nOutside in the night:\r\n\"Your teachers have pegged you,\r\nSo just do your best\r\nHappy Finals to all,\r\nAnd to All, a good test.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 13218,
"title": "'Twas the Night Before Finals"
},
{
"body": "A man awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. \"Why are the curtains closed?\" he said. \"Is it night?\" \r\n\r\nA nurse replied, \"No, it's just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 13219,
"title": "Day or Night?"
},
{
"body": "For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13220,
"title": "Ring - Don't Ring"
},
{
"body": "Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.\r\n\r\nIn looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.\r\n\r\nClouds are high-flying fogs.\r\n\r\nClouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do. \r\n\r\nWater vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.\r\n\r\nHumidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. \r\n\r\nWe keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.\r\n\r\nRain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail. \r\n\r\nRain is saved up in cloud banks.\r\n\r\nYou can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.\r\n\r\nWater freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.\r\n\r\nSouth America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.\r\n\r\nSome people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.\r\n\r\nA blizzard is when it snows sideways. \r\n\r\nA hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size. \r\n\r\nA monsoon is a French gentleman.\r\n\r\nThe wind is like the air, only pushier.",
"category": "College",
"id": 13221,
"title": "Some Exam Answers"
},
{
"body": "ON MODERNISM \r\nHow many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? \r\nTwo. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. \r\n\r\nTHOUGHTS ON METAPHYSICS \r\nDeja Vu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. \r\n\r\nON DEEP THOUGHTS \r\nA day without sunshine is like night. \r\n\r\nON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES \r\nThere is a CD out entitled \"The Worst of Jefferson Airplane\". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund? \r\n\r\nON HIGHER EDUCATION \r\nCollege is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13222,
"title": "Hold That Thought!"
},
{
"body": "In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.\r\n\r\nWhile this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13223,
"title": "Women's Fantasy"
},
{
"body": "You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.\r\nYou find humor in other people's stupidity.\r\nYou want to slap the next person who says \"Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free.\"\r\nYou believe chocolate is a food group.\r\nYou can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.\r\nYou believe \"Shallow gene pool\" should have its own box in the report card.\r\nYou believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says \"Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.\r\nWhen out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.\r\nYou have no life between August to June.\r\nWhen you mention \"Vegetables\" you're not talking about a food group.\r\nYou think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.\r\nYou wonder how some parents ever manage to reproduce.\r\nYou believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.\r\nYou believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.\r\nYou've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would \"Never dream\" of doing your job.\r\nYou think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.\r\nYou know you are in for a major project when a parent says \"I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.\"\r\nYou want to choke a person when he or she says \"Oh, you must have such fun everyday. This must be like playtime for you.\"\r\nMeeting a child's parent instantly answers the question \"Why is this kid like this?\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 13228,
"title": "You Know You are a Teacher If..."
},
{
"body": "Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?\r\nA. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.\r\n\r\nQ. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?\r\nA. Have sex once a year.\r\n\r\nQ. What is the most common pregnancy craving?\r\nA. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.\r\n\r\nQ. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?\r\nA. With any luck, right after he finishes college.\r\n\r\nQ. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?\r\nA. Depends on what you're doing with them.\r\n\r\nQ. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?\r\nA. Cause you're fatter then they are.\r\n\r\nQ. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.\r\nA. So what's your question, dork?\r\n\r\nQ. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?\r\nA. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.\r\n\r\nQ. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?\r\nA. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.\r\n\r\nQ. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?\r\nA. Not unless the word \"alimony\" means anything to you.\r\n\r\nQ. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?\r\nA. Yes, baby lips.\r\n\r\nQ. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?\r\nA. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13231,
"title": "Pregnant Advice"
},
{
"body": "A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.\r\n\r\n\"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,\" he said. \"I'll be back in a few minutes.\"\r\n\r\nWhen the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, \"Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you.\" \"That wasn't my daddy,\" said the boy. \"He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13233,
"title": "Trimming the Barber"
},
{
"body": "These pick up lines are so nasty, they're insults...\r\n\r\nThe word of the day is \"legs.\" Let's go back to my place and spread the word.\r\n\r\nThat outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.\r\n\r\nI want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.\r\n\r\nI like every bone in your body, especially mine.\r\n\r\nHow about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?\r\n\r\nWill you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?\r\n\r\nWhy don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?\r\n\r\nBaby, I'm like milk, I'll do your body good.\r\n\r\nIs that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.\r\n\r\nHey baby, let's play army; I'll lay down you can blow me up.\r\n\r\nIf your left leg is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you in between the holidays?\r\n\r\nIf I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?\r\n\r\nYou're like Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!\r\n\r\nI want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.\r\n\r\nIs it hot in here, or is it just you?\r\n\r\nIf you were a car door I would slam you all night long.\r\n\r\nBaby, you're so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.\r\n\r\nHow about you sit on my lap and we'll straighten things out?\r\n\r\nBaby, I'd run a mile for your vertical smile.\r\n\r\nNice shirt.... wanna fuck?\r\n\r\nIf I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.\r\n\r\nAre you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!\r\n\r\nCan I have fries with that shake?\r\n\r\nI've got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.\r\n\r\nYou're so sweet you're giving me a toothache.\r\n\r\nHey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?\r\n\r\nIf I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.\r\n\r\nHi, I'm new in town. Can I have directions to your house?\r\n\r\nPardon me, is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.\r\n\r\nDo you know CPR? Because you take my breath away.\r\n\r\nYour daddy must have been a drug dealer 'cause you're dope.\r\n\r\nMy face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it!\r\n\r\nI'd look good on you.\r\n\r\nWhen does your centerfold come out?\r\n\r\nSo do ya wanna see something really swell?\r\n\r\nI've seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?\r\n\r\nI've got the hot dog and you got the buns.\r\n\r\nIs your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.\r\n\r\nAre we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?\r\n\r\nI may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.\r\n\r\nYou have nice legs. What time do they open?\r\n\r\nDo you like Subway? How about my foot-long?\r\n\r\nHey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it?\r\n\r\nIs that a keg in your pants? Cause I'd just love to tap that ass!\r\n\r\nAre those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.\r\n\r\nYou're like a championship bass, I don't know if I should mount you or eat you.\r\n\r\nIs your dad a terrorist? Because you're the bomb!\r\n\r\nAre you a parking ticket, cause you have fine written all over you?\r\n\r\nIf I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 13235,
"title": "Pick Up Lines"
},
{
"body": "Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written on them...\r\n\r\nDue to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.\r\n\r\nI can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.\r\n\r\nI love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by.\r\n\r\nI Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.\r\n\r\nI Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.\r\n\r\nTell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.\r\n\r\nTHE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus.\r\n\r\nSome days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.\r\n\r\nCleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult\r\n\r\nThe money is always greener in the other guy's wallet.\r\n\r\nIf We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?\r\n\r\nToo many freaks. Not enough circuses.\r\n\r\nShe Who MUST be obeyed\r\n\r\nChaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.\r\n\r\nI thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a pay check.\r\n\r\nWhen money talks, no one criticizes its accent.\r\n\r\nI don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.\r\n\r\nMy reality check bounced.\r\n\r\nI love my cat. My cat does not care.\r\n\r\nIf At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.\r\n\r\nMy bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.\r\n\r\nYou're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.\r\n\r\nOn the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.\r\n\r\nI don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.\r\n\r\nEveryone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.\r\n\r\nOnly in America, could a letter offering a million dollar prize be considered junk mail.\r\n\r\nNever be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic.\r\n\r\nI don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.\r\n\r\nIf I throw a stick, will you leave?\r\n\r\nErrors have been made. Others will be blamed.\r\n\r\nA cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.\r\n\r\nDo not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.\r\n\r\nNever argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.\r\n\r\nIf at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.\r\n\r\nA closed mouth gathers no foot.\r\n\r\nDon't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.\r\n\r\nA pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.\r\n\r\nThe more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.\r\n\r\nWhat if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about?\r\n\r\nThink nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment.\r\n\r\nDoes it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt?\r\n\r\nAnd your cry baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?\r\n\r\nI started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.\r\n\r\nSarcasm is just one more service we offer.\r\n\r\nA balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.\r\n\r\nEat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.\r\n\r\nIf it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.\r\n\r\nI used to have a handle on life, but it broke.\r\n\r\nNo one pays attention until you make a mistake.\r\n\r\nJesus loves you, but I think you're a jerk.\r\n\r\nThousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.\r\n\r\nMadness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.\r\n\r\nStamp Out Crime. Abolish the IRS.\r\n\r\nChange is inevitable, except from a vending machine.\r\n\r\nI'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.\r\n\r\nWhat am I? Fly paper for freaks?\r\n\r\nI'm not rude. You're just insignificant.\r\n\r\nIf I save time, when do I get it back?\r\n\r\nA.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer.\r\n\r\nLove is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.\r\n\r\nOut of my mind. Back in five minutes.\r\n\r\nSometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.\r\n\r\nWhat was the best thing before sliced bread?\r\n\r\nConsciousness: That annoying time between naps.\r\n\r\nExperience is something you don't get until just after you need it.\r\n\r\nThe gene pool could use a little chlorine.\r\n\r\nI may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.\r\n\r\nI'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.\r\n\r\nI have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.\r\n\r\nWhere there's a will, I want to be in it.\r\n\r\nIt's lonely at the top, but you eat better.\r\n\r\nSmile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.\r\n\r\nLottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.\r\n\r\nIf the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.\r\n\r\nWhy does your nose run and your feet smell?\r\n\r\nHard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.\r\n\r\nBe nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.\r\n\r\nIRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.\r\n\r\nMoney Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.\r\n\r\nDuct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.\r\n\r\nAre you sure I'm (age)? I want a recount!\r\n\r\nDoes fuzzy logic tickle?\r\n\r\nBorn free. Taxed to death.\r\n\r\nIf \"pro\" is the opposite of \"con,\" is progress the opposite of congress?\r\n\r\nAll Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets.\r\n\r\nRaising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.\r\n\r\nEnjoy Life! Eat Out More Often.\r\n\r\nI'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?\r\n\r\nGrowing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.\r\n\r\nThe 11th commandment: Thou Shalt NOT Whine!\r\n\r\nWork Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.\r\n\r\nPrincess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.\r\n\r\nWhen cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?\r\n\r\nFamilies are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.\r\n\r\nOne good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.\r\n\r\nFAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.\r\n\r\nGod put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.\r\n\r\nIs it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?\r\n\r\nKentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.\r\n\r\nIf you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.\r\n\r\nIt's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.\r\n\r\nI didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.\r\n\r\nLife is too short. Don't be a jerk.\r\n\r\nIgnore the dog. Watch out for the owner.\r\n\r\nIf you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.\r\n\r\nA closed mouth gathers no foot.\r\n\r\nDon't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.\r\n\r\nA bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation... I wonder if that means...?\r\n\r\nNobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.\r\n\r\nThe trouble with life is there's no background music.\r\n\r\nWomen have PMS. Men have ESPN.\r\n\r\nFriends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.\r\n\r\nCoffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich.\r\n\r\nWho do you want to talk to: 1) the man is charge or 2) the woman who really knows what's going on?\r\n\r\nIf life is like a bowl of cherries, then I'm living in the pits!\r\n\r\nBarney sucks.\r\n\r\nGood judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.\r\n\r\nLearn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.\r\n\r\nIf they don't have chocolate in heaven, I'm not going.\r\n\r\nIf you scratch your rear, don't bite your fingernails.\r\n\r\nEating prunes gives you a good run for your money.\r\n\r\nIf you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in basement.\r\n\r\nFart in church, and you'll sit in own pew.\r\n\r\nGerms attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds.\r\n\r\nIt's not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It's the jerks.\r\n\r\nI don't know what I want, but I do know I don't have it.\r\n\r\nPeople who give back their ill-gotten gains are reformed crocks. People who keep most of the loot and only give back a little are philanthropists.\r\n\r\nOnce you've climbed the ladder of success, you're over the hill.\r\n\r\nPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.\r\n\r\nThere will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year.\r\n\r\nBrain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.\r\n\r\nThe difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.\r\n\r\nTwo wrongs do not make a right ... but three lefts do.\r\n\r\nTalk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.\r\n\r\nDrive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.\r\n\r\nIt's lonely at the top, but you eat better.\r\n\r\nThere is always one more imbecile than you counted on.\r\n\r\nEveryone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.\r\n\r\nNostalgia isn't what it used to be.\r\n\r\nGo ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. .\r\n\r\nSTRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.\r\n\r\nFriends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.\r\n\r\nOutside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of the dog, it's too dark to read.\r\n\r\nI can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap.\r\n\r\nI don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.\r\n\r\nI'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.\r\n\r\nI'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter.\r\n\r\nI don't work here. I'm a consultant.\r\n\r\nThe screw up fairy has visited us again.\r\n\r\nI have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a care.\r\n\r\nI'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.\r\n\r\nWhat am I? Flypaper for freaks?\r\n\r\nAnd your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?\r\n\r\nI started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.\r\n\r\nSarcasm is just one more service we offer.\r\n\r\nIf I throw a stick, will you leave?\r\n\r\nA cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.\r\n\r\nCan I trade my job for what's behind door #1?\r\n\r\nToo many freaks, not enough circuses.\r\n\r\nChaos, panic and disorder - my work is done here.\r\n\r\nHow do I set a laser printer to stun?\r\n\r\nI thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.\r\n\r\nWhen in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain)\r\n\r\nThe more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.\r\n\r\nTo err is human. To forgive is not company policy.\r\n\r\nConstant change is here to stay.\r\n\r\nThere is always one more imbecile than you counted on.\r\n\r\nDon't be old until you have lived!\r\n\r\nDon't let the past hold you back. You're missing today's good stuff.\r\n\r\nToday's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.\r\n\r\nEnthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic!\r\n\r\nEducation is expensive, but ignorance is more so.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13236,
"title": "Shirt Sayings"
},
{
"body": "Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?\r\nBoy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nHusband says; \"When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me.\"\r\nWife replied; \"What makes you think I'd want another man like you?\"\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nWhen I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nA woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, \"Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?\" He says, \"Why? Are my eyes bulging?\"\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\n\"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.\"\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nInnkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.\r\nGuest: I'll make my own bed.\r\nInnkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nIn the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nTwo woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. \"But he acts so stupid,\" said one to the other. \"I think he must have his brains between his legs.\" \"Yeah,\" her friend sighed, \"but I'd sure love to blow his mind.\"\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nLove thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\n\"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.\" \"Yes sir, it's fresh ground.\"\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nWife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.\r\nHusband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!\r\nWife: You wear shorts!\r\n\r\n---------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nWhat's the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don't get grass-stained.\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nI wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nIt is well known...\r\nMan stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nBoy: Do you like parties?\r\nGirl: Yes, why?\r\nBoy: Well then, jump in my pants and have a ball!\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nWhat four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nA guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die...\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nHUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?\r\nWIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nTwo drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.\r\nThe first drunk says, \"There's a hell of a lot of steps here.\"\r\nThe second drunk says, \"I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down\"\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nWant to hear two short jokes and a long joke?\r\nJoke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke.\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nA lady says to the psychiatrist, \"I think I might be a nymphomaniac.\" He says, \"I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour.\" She says, \"How much for all night?\"\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nHarry's wife says, \"Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?\" He says, \"No, our house isn't blue.\"\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nTwo muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, \"Holy Shit it's hot in here!\" The other muffin says, \"Holy Shit... A talking muffin!\"\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nA reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: \"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?\" She replied, \"No peer pressure.\"\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nThere was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13237,
"title": "Short Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Hey, did you hear about the...\r\n\r\nPaper company that folded?\r\n\r\nBrake company on the skids?\r\n\r\nBra manufacturers that went bust?\r\n\r\nSurgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?\r\n\r\nCigarette company that went up in smoke?\r\n\r\nBaker who was short of dough?\r\n\r\nRefrigerator manufacturer that had its assets frozen?\r\n\r\nCorset firm that felt the squeeze?\r\n\r\nUpholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?\r\n\r\nAdhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?\r\n\r\nTennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?\r\n\r\nDownfall of the bungee suppliers?\r\n\r\nThe train company that went off the rails?\r\n\r\nThe ship building company that sunk?\r\n\r\nThe dental practice that was rotten to its roots?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13238,
"title": "Here About The..."
},
{
"body": "Deep Salvage Pick\r\nReminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.\r\n\r\nUtensil Pick\r\nWhen fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.\r\n\r\nExtra Pick\r\nWhen you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery.\r\n\r\nDepression Pick\r\nWhen you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.\r\n\r\nPick A Lot\r\nWhat we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.\r\n\r\nKiddie Pick\r\nWhen you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. \r\nAnd the best part is, there's no time limit!\r\n\r\nCamouflaged Kiddie Pick\r\nWhen, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.\r\n\r\nFake Nose Scratch\r\nWhen you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.\r\n\r\nMaking A Meal Out Of It\r\nYou do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.\r\n\r\nSurprise Pickings\r\nWhen a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.\r\n\r\nAutopick\r\nThe kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when you're not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....\r\n\r\nPick Your Brains\r\nDone in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.\r\n\r\nPick And Save\r\nWhen you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.\r\n\r\nPick And Flick\r\nSnot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.\r\n\r\nPick And Stick\r\nYou wanted it to be a \"Pick and Flick,\" but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.\r\n\r\nPipe Cleaner Pick\r\nThe kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13240,
"title": "The \"Picking Your Nose\" List"
},
{
"body": "The little cowboy, Shorty, was leaving the bar to get on his horse for the ride back to the ranch, when he noted that someone had painted his horse's balls blue. \r\n\r\nTotally pissed, he went back into the bar and shouted, \"Who's the dirty son of a bitch that painted my horse's balls blue?!\"\r\n\r\nA big burly guy stood up and said, \"I did. Got a problem with that?\" \r\n\r\n\"None,\" says Shorty, \"just wanted to let you know he was dry and ready for the 2nd coat.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13243,
"title": "Shorty"
},
{
"body": "When my three-year-old son opened a birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. \r\n\r\nI turned to Mom and said, \"I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?\" \r\n\r\nMom smiled and then replied.....\"I remember.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13244,
"title": "Water Gun"
},
{
"body": "Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot, everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. \r\n\r\nSo he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. \r\n\r\nTwo ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, \"Whoa! What are we going to do?\" \r\n\r\nSaid the other ant: \"I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 13245,
"title": "Anthill Golfing"
},
{
"body": "Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. \r\n\r\nThe next day, the local paper reported the story with the headline \"Valiant Student Saves Boy From Fearsome Dog.\" \r\n\r\nThe broker called the editor of the paper and strongly suggested that a correction be issued, pointing out that he was no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker. \r\n\r\nThe following day, the paper issued a correction, with a headline that read, \"Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13246,
"title": "Student Vs. Stock Broker"
},
{
"body": "An elderly man called 911 and said he thought his wife might be dead.\r\n\r\nOperator: \"MIGHT be dead? Sir, can't you tell if she is dead?\"\r\n\r\nMan: \"I'm not quite sure.\"\r\n\r\nOperator: \"Well, what makes you THINK that she could be dead?\"\r\n\r\nMan: \"Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are beginning to pile up in the sink.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13247,
"title": "An Elderly Man Called 911.............."
},
{
"body": "A nice girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents.\r\n\r\nAfter dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiance to his study for a chat.\r\n\r\n\"So, what are your plans?\" the father asks the fiance.\r\n\r\n\"I am a Biblical scholar,\" he replies.\r\n\r\n\"A Biblical scholar. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?\"\r\n\r\n\"I will study,\" the young man replies, \"...and God will provide for us.\"\r\n\r\n\"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?\"\r\n\r\n\"I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us.\"\r\n\r\n\"And children? How will you support children?\"\r\n\r\n\"Don't worry, sir, God will provide.\"\r\n\r\nThe conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance insists that God will provide.\r\n\r\nLater, the mother asks, \"So? How did it go?\"\r\n\r\n\"He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13248,
"title": "A Biblical Scholar"
},
{
"body": "Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It's in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. \"Are you gonna play golf?\" he asks \"Or are you just gonna fuck around?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13249,
"title": "Holy Golf"
},
{
"body": "The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents. \r\n\r\nOn the back of the photo he scrawled, \"How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?\" \r\n\r\nShortly after, the son received this terse note: \"You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 13251,
"title": "College Son"
},
{
"body": "There were two fish. The first says:\r\n\"We're gonna swim 100 miles upstream, have sex, then die.\"\r\nThe second says:\r\n\"So we're gonna swim 100 miles upstream, then die?\"\r\nFirst fish:\r\n\"Yup\"\r\nSecond:\r\n\"Are we gonna have sex?\"\r\nFirst :\r\n\"Yup\"\r\nSecond:\r\n\"Ok count me in!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13260,
"title": "Two Fish"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: \"Can someone tell me three kinds of triangles? Yes, Jimmy?\"\r\nJimmy: \"OK, so there's right, isosceles, and you, your husband, and the mailman.\"\r\nThe class laughed.\r\n\"OK, young man. Now you're going straight to the principal.\" said the teacher.\r\nAnd the principal laughed too.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13261,
"title": "Triangles"
},
{
"body": "What do you do when you're lonely on an Alaskan cruise?\r\n\r\nAnswer: Go to the window and yell \"whale\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13262,
"title": "Cruise"
},
{
"body": "What did one virus say to the other virus?\r\n\r\nKeep away from me, I think I've got penicillin!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 13263,
"title": "Stay Away!"
},
{
"body": "What did one earthquake say to another?\r\nOops! My fault!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13264,
"title": "Seismograph!"
},
{
"body": "Dickiedoo Disease: defined as the expansion of the adominal region of the human male to the point where it eliminates the view of the male's private part from its possessor. Translated into a more commonly used phrase \"His belly sticks out further than his Dickiedoo!\r\n\r\nAlso know as Abdominalius Humongus and in some cases where the male appendage is not very large, this condition is known as Male Apparatus Non-existus.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 13265,
"title": "Little Known Medical Condition Diagnosis"
},
{
"body": "Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.\r\n\r\n\"In honor of this holy season,\" Saint Peter said, \"you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.\"\r\n\r\nThe first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. \"It represents a candle,\" he said.\r\n\r\n\"You may pass through the Pearly Gates,\" Saint Peter said.\r\n\r\nThe second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, \"They're bells.\"\r\n\r\nSaint Peter said, \"You may pass through the Pearly Gates.\"\r\n\r\nThe third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear.\r\n\r\nSt. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, \"And just what do those symbolize?\"\r\n\r\nThe man replied, \"They're Carols.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13267,
"title": "Three Men"
},
{
"body": "THE ADVENTURE BEGINS:\r\nTwo Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head\r\nto the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, \"Dat's dem.\"\r\n\r\nThe owner comes over and asks if he can help them. Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,\" says Gerry.\r\n\r\nThe owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.\r\n\r\nAt the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot\r\ndrop and says, \"Dis looks like a grand place.\" He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.\r\n\r\nPaddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom,\r\nkilling himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says \"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!\"\r\n\r\nTHERE'S MORE\r\nMoments later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's\r\nbeen to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.\r\n\r\n\"Hi, Paddy, Watch dis,\" Seamus says. He takes a parrot\r\nfrom the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. \r\nPaddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.\r\n\r\nSeamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.\r\n\r\nPaddy shakes his head and says, \"And I'm never trying dat\r\nparrotshooting either!\"\r\n\r\nIT IS NOT OVER YET\r\n\r\nPaddy is just getting over the shock of losing two\r\nfriends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.\r\n\r\nSean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.\r\n\r\nOnce more Paddy shakes his head. \"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting . . . and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13270,
"title": "THE ADVENTURE BEGINS:"
},
{
"body": "On the 12th day of Christmas my true love sent to me\r\n12- Pack of Bud\r\n11 Rasslin' Tickets\r\n10 tins of Copenhagen\r\n9 Years Probation\r\n8 Holey vests\r\n7 Kissing Cousins\r\n6 Cans of Spam\r\n5 Hunting Hounds\r\n4 Mudgrip tyres\r\n3 Shot Gun Shells\r\n2 more Gaps in Teeth\r\nAnd some parts to a Mustang GT",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 13271,
"title": "12 Redneck Days of Cristmas"
},
{
"body": "Smart-ass Answer #1 \r\n\r\nA flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.\r\nAs a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened\r\nhis trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat ...she said, \r\n\"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.\" \r\n\r\n\r\nSmart-ass Answer #2 \r\n\r\nA truck driver was driving along on! the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, \"Low bridge ahead.\" Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a\r\npolice car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, \"Got stuck, huh?\"\r\nThe truck driver says, \"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 13272,
"title": "Smart-ass Answers"
},
{
"body": "The blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.\r\n\r\nSo they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.\r\n\r\nThe blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.\r\n\r\nThey wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos - after all, they now had their own department at the university.\r\n\r\nThey now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: \"I belong in B.E.D.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13276,
"title": "The Blondes at the University"
},
{
"body": "The good, the bad and the ugly.\r\n\r\nGood: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids;\r\nBad: You can't find your birth control pills;\r\nUgly: Your daughter borrowed them.\r\n\r\nGood: Your son studies a lot in his room;\r\nBad: You find several porn movies hidden there;\r\nUgly: You're in them.\r\n\r\nGood: Your husband understands fashion;\r\nBad: He's a cross-dresser;\r\nUgly: He looks better than you.\r\n\r\nGood: Your son's finally maturing;\r\nBad: He's involved with the woman next door;\r\nUgly: So are you.\r\n\r\nGood: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter;\r\nBad: She keeps interrupting;\r\nUgly: With corrections.\r\n\r\nGood: Your wife's not talking to you;\r\nBad: She wants a divorce;\r\nUgly: She's a lawyer.\r\n\r\nGood: The postman's early;\r\nBad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47;\r\nUgly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.\r\n\r\nGood: Your daughter got a new job;\r\nBad: As a hooker;\r\nUgly: Your co-workers are her best clients;\r\nWay ugly: She makes more money than you do.\r\n\r\nGood: Your son is dating someone new;\r\nBad: It's another man;\r\nUgly: He's you're best friend.\r\n\r\nGood: Your wife is pregnant;\r\nBad: It's triplets;\r\nUgly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13282,
"title": "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly."
},
{
"body": "1. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.\r\n\r\n2. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.\r\n\r\n3. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.\r\n\r\n4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13285,
"title": "You Gotta Read These"
},
{
"body": "CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT - YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN: \r\n\r\n1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.\r\n\r\n2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your undies up in the toilets.\r\n\r\n3. You suddenly decide you want to start a fight.\r\n\r\n4. In your last trip to the bathroom you realise you now look more like GAIL from Coronation Street than the sex pot you were just 4 hours ago.\r\n\r\n5. You drop your 3 a.m. chips on the floor of AbraKebabra and pick them up & carry on eating.\r\n\r\n6. You start crying.\r\n\r\n7. There are less than 3 hours before you're due to start work.\r\n\r\n8. You've found a deeper side to nerdy gimp from payroll.\r\n\r\n9. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.\r\n\r\n10. You've forgotten where you live.\r\n\r\n11. You start to sound like Tina Turner from the cigarettes you've smoked. Oh, and as you have mentioned 10 TIMES by now, you only smoke when you drink.\r\n\r\n12. You yell at the barman, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the Vodka.\r\n\r\n13. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza..\r\n\r\n14. You start every conversation with a booming, \"Don't take this the wrong way but...\"\r\n\r\n15. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.\r\n\r\n16. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.\r\n\r\n17. You no longer smell of Chanel No.5 and instead reek of a pot-pourri of vomit and Heineken.\r\n\r\n18. You're out-burping the lads.\r\n\r\n19. You just HAVE to tell your friends that you love them so much, just one more time.\r\n\r\n20. You're at a table of strangers, flashing your tits, and you don't remember how you got there.\r\n\r\n21. You're so tired so you just sit on the floor.\r\n\r\n22. You smile to yourself like a some lunatic off the happy bus, unable to speak and have pint of soda water in your left hand and a bottle of bud in the right. Oh - and you have lost your keys, phone, money and bank cards",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13286,
"title": "CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT"
},
{
"body": "\"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.\" - Babe Ruth\r\n\r\n\"Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.\" - Lee Trevino\r\n\r\n\"I'm not saying my golf game went bad , but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.\" - Lee Trevino\r\n\r\n\"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.\" - Jack Lemmon\r\n\r\n\"After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.\" - Chi Chi Rodriguez\r\n\r\n\"Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.\" - Jack Benny\r\n\r\n\"Golf appeals to the child in us. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.\" - John Updike",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 13291,
"title": "Whole In One!"
},
{
"body": "The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.\r\n\r\n\"It has long been known...\"\r\nI didn't look up the original reference.\r\n\r\n\"A definite trend is evident...\"\r\nThese data are practically meaningless.\r\n\r\n\"While it has not been possible to provide definitive answers to the questions...\"\r\nAn unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.\r\n\r\n\"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study...\"\r\nThe other results didn't make any sense.\r\n\r\n\"Typical results are shown...\"\r\nThis is the prettiest graph.\r\n\r\n\"These results will be in a subsequent report...\"\r\nI might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.\r\n\r\n\"In my experience...\"\r\nOnce.\r\n\r\n\"In case after case...\"\r\nTwice.\r\n\r\n\"In a series of cases...\"\r\nThrice.\r\n\r\n\"It is believed that...\"\r\nI think.\r\n\r\n\"It is generally believed that...\"\r\nA couple of others think so, too.\r\n\r\n\"Correct within an order of magnitude...\"\r\nWrong. Wrong. Wrong.\r\n\r\n\"According to statistical analysis...\"\r\nRumor has it.\r\n\r\n\"A statistically-oriented projection of the significance\r\nof these findings...\"\r\nA really wild guess.\r\n\r\n\"A careful analysis of obtainable data...\"\r\nThree pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.\r\n\r\n\"It is clear that much additional work will be required\r\nbefore a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs...\"\r\nI don't understand it....and I never will.\r\n\r\n\"After additional study by my colleagues...\"\r\nThey don't understand it either.\r\n\r\n\"A highly significant area for exploratory study...\"\r\nA totally useless topic selected by my committee.\r\n\r\n\"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field...\"\r\nI am pleased to feed you bullshit.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13296,
"title": "I Think You Will Find . . . ."
},
{
"body": "One day, Johnny saw his dad got caught on fire. Immeaditly he went to his mom saying, \"Mom, mom hurry, dad's on fire, and I brought the marshmellows!\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnother day a lady came to the door asking for things for the old peoples fund. Johnny yelled from the doorway to his mom, \"Hey mom, there's this person asking for the old peoples fund, shall I give them grandma?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13298,
"title": "Johnny Jokes (2)"
},
{
"body": "A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked,\r\n\"Do you have any military experience?\"\r\nThe Marine replied, \"Why, yes! I've been in the Marines for a couple of years.\"\r\n\"I see,\" said the interviewer, \"any disabilities?\"\r\nThe Marine looked at him and replied shakily. \"Well... In the Vietnam War I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles.\"\r\nThe interviewer, quite shocked, said \"All right, you're hired. Please report to work on Monday at 10:00am.\"\r\n\"Wait wait!\" shouted the Marine, \"When do the others start? I don't want any special treatment just because of my disability.\"\r\nThe interviewer replied, \"Well... I'll tell you the truth. Everyone normally comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out what to do.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13299,
"title": "Retired Marine"
},
{
"body": "A man complaining to a friend: \"I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!\"\r\n\r\n\"What happened?\" asked the friend.\r\n\r\n\"Ahhhh ... my wife found out ...\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13300,
"title": "Had it All..."
},
{
"body": "I was in McDonald's one time when the lady in front of me ordered a cheeseburger and requested no cheese. Now I don't know about you, but that sounds like a hamburger to me.\r\n\r\n Many years ago I worked in a delicatessen. The assistant manager had burnt something in the oven and smoke was pouring from the kitchen area. When the store manager came by and asked why she hadn't opened the emergency fire exit door to allow the smoke to go outside she said, \"I thought about it, but I couldn't find the key!\"\r\n\r\n A friend of mine and I were on a little road trip with his wife driving. Everything was pretty quiet when she turned to us and asked, \"If you are driving 70mph, about how far would you go in an hour?\"\r\n\r\n I was calling the telecommunication company to inform them my phone didn't work and that when I picked up the receiver it was completely dead. The technician said from the other end, \"Are you calling from the number of the phone that does not work?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13304,
"title": "You Couldn't Make It Up III"
},
{
"body": "My daughter was going over to the neighbor's house to visit but didn't want to miss a call from her boyfriend so she took the cordless phone with her. While at the neighbor's she wanted to check back at home to see if her younger brother was okay. My daughter then picked up the neighbor's phone and dialed our number. While waiting for someone to answer the phone at home, the phone she brought over with her began to ring. She immediately hung up the neighbor's phone and answered our phone. There was no one there. She wanted to know who it was who called so she used our phone to call our house. The line was busy. Getting very frustrated she left the neighbor's to go home and see who was on the phone. No one was on the phone. My daughter could not figure out what was going on until someone explained it to her.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13305,
"title": "You Couldn't Make It Up IV"
},
{
"body": "Depending on how you ask the questions, you can force the answer you seek! Remember 43% of polls are wrong, the other 78% are made up! Don't jump to the answer, just scroll down. Take this test mentally, don't write down your answers, and don't shout them out. \r\n\r\n1. Pick a number from 2 to 9. It can be 2 or it can be 9, or any number in between. \r\n2. Take that number that you've chosen, and multiply it by 9. \r\n3. That should give you a two digit number. Take those two digits and add them together. \r\n4. Take the resulting number and subtract 5 from it. \r\n5. Take that number and correspond it to the alphabet, numbering the letters. A = 1, B = 2, C = 3, and so on...\r\n6. Take your letter, and think of a country that begins with that letter. \r\n7. Take the last letter in the name of that country, and think of an animal. \r\n8. Now, take the last letter in the name of that animal, and think of a color. \r\n9. But remember, that there are no orange kangaroos in Denmark.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13306,
"title": "How You Do That?"
},
{
"body": "AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.\r\n\r\nPolice in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, \"Please come out and give yourself up.\"\r\n\r\nA man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.\r\n\r\nIn Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.\r\n\r\nAnd finally -\r\nLast summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.\r\n\r\nAfter about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.\r\n\r\nA thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.\r\n\r\nHe came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13307,
"title": "You Couldn't Make It Up V"
},
{
"body": "I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.\r\n\r\nI love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.\r\n\r\nMental backup in progress - Do not disturb!\r\n\r\nThe only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.\r\n\r\nAmbition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.\r\n\r\nBoycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!\r\n\r\nBlack holes are where God divided by zero.\r\n\r\nIf you can't read this, you're illiterate.\r\n\r\nIt's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13308,
"title": "Some More One Liners V"
},
{
"body": "The bumper sticker of a proud parent read:\r\n\r\n MY SON WAS \r\n INMATE OF THE MONTH",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13309,
"title": "Proud Parent"
},
{
"body": "The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, \"What kinds of ice cream do you have?\" \r\n\r\n\"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry,\" the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue. \r\n\r\n\"Do you have laryngitis?\" the young man asked sympathetically. \r\n\r\n\"Nope,\" she whispered, \"just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13314,
"title": "Ice Cream Flavors"
},
{
"body": "There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells, \"There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth.\" \r\n\r\nThe second professor says, \"No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot.\" \r\n\r\nThe first professor says, \"Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his fathe.r) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner.\" \r\n\r\nThe son says, gleefully, \"Sure dad,\" and runs off. \r\n\r\nThe second professor not to be outdone says \"Oh yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave.\" \r\n\r\nSam says, \"OK,\" and leaves. The professors keep arguing. \r\n\r\nJake and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jake says, \"Well, listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it.\" \r\n\r\nSam says \"Well, that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13315,
"title": "Stupid"
},
{
"body": "Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country. I wonder what it means... \r\n\r\n1. Grab a calculator. (You won't be able to do this one in your head) \r\n2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code) \r\n3. Multiply by 80 \r\n4. Add 1 \r\n5. Multiply by 250 \r\n6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number \r\n7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again. \r\n8. Subtract 250 \r\n9. Divide number by 2 \r\n\r\nDo you recognize the answer?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13319,
"title": "Math Trick"
},
{
"body": "What do you call an Italian Cop?\r\n\r\nGuinea Pig",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 13322,
"title": "Sorry Officer"
},
{
"body": "An American, a Japanese and an Iraqi were walking together. The American put his hand near his mouth and started speaking; after he finished the Iraqi asked him what he was doing, and the American said, \"We put microphones in our hands and speakers in our ears so that we can make phone calls without the need to carry a mobile phone.\"\r\n\r\nThen the Japanese started talking, and after he finished the Iraqi said to him, \"You didn't put your hand near your mouth, how did you speak?\" The Japanese said, \"We put the microphones in our teeth so that we can speak hands-free.\"\r\n\r\nThen the Iraqi picked up a paper from the ground and swallowed it, and both the American and the Japanese asked him about what he did, and he said, \"I sent a fax.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13324,
"title": "American, Japanese and Iraqi"
},
{
"body": "An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese went to try their echo; the American said, \"Good morning,\" and the echo came back, \"Good morninginginging.\" Then the Frenchman said, \"Bon jour,\" and the echo came back \"Bon jourjourjour.\" \r\nThen the Chinese said, \"Chang chiong shang zhang hu,\" and the echo came back, \"Whatwhatwhatwhat?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13325,
"title": "American, French and Chinese"
},
{
"body": "Three people had been sentenced to be put in jail for ten years, and they asked each one of them to say one thing that he wants to have with him in the chamber.\r\nThe first one said, \"I want you to put 1 ton of steak with me,\" so they did and they locked the chamber; then the second one said, \"I want a rack full with the best wines in the world,\" so they put it in his chamber and locked it; the third said, \"I want 1000 packets of cigarettes,\" so they put it in the chamber and locked it.\r\nAfter the ten years are over, they unlocked the first chamber, and the man came out with big belly and said, \"That was delicious.\" Then they unlocked the second chamber, and the man came out and he can barely stand and said, \"Those were the best wines that I have ever tasted.\" When they opened the third chamber, the man came out and said, \"Matches, please\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13326,
"title": "Three People in Jail"
},
{
"body": "Student was searching for divine inspiration. Student walked high on the mountain of knowledge and came across God. Student asked God how to live life as a college kid should. And God said unto him, follow these Ten Commandments and you shall be all a college kid is. And Student thanked God and it was good. And Student spread the Ten Commandments of College to all. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nI- Thou Shalt Nap \r\n\r\nAnd God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend's room. And God said, if you don't nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nII- Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time \r\n\r\nNow God said to Student, you must be sick all of the time. And student said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and make out with people you don't know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nIII- Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages \r\n\r\nStudent asked, but God, how will I show everyone that I am funny? And God said unto him, thou shall write witty away messages. God said to student, you shall never just say you are in the shower, you shall say you are getting wet and wild...in the shower. You shall never say you are at class, you shall say you are sleeping...in class. God said, if you do not write witty away messages, I shall smite you. Blessed are the funny, for they will get many girls to be their friends but never hook up with them. And it was good. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nIV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie \r\n\r\nAnd then Student asked God, God how do I look like a college kid. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either. Student asked God what kind of Hoodie should it be and God said, you shall own one with your school's logo on it and you shall own many others of varying colors and creeds. And Student was pleased and God was pleased. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nV- Thou Shalt Shit a Lot \r\n\r\nAnd Student asked of his bathroom habit and God told him, Student, you shall eat in the Cafeteria and you shall shit a lot. And it will not be good shit, it will be the shit of the devil for your ass shall burn for hours. Your school shall put laxatives in their food and you shall feel their pain. And Student began to weep, and God said unto him, Student, fear not the shit, for all your fellow students will be experiencing the same. And Student dried his eyes and thanked God and God told him to use wet naps to ease the pain. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nVI- Thou Shalt Eat EasyMac \r\n\r\nStudent asked unto God if there was any alternatives to the cafeteria, and God said to him, you shall eat a lot of EasyMac. It is easy to make and you don't need milk or a stove. And student said microwaves were forbidden by the RA. And God said to him, you shall hide the microwave under your bed with a towel on top. And Student asked, what if it is discovered. And God told him to stop being such a pussy, and it was good. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nVII- Thou Shalt Hook Up \r\n\r\nStudent then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at class and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at bars and parties and it will be good. And Student became gleeful and God told Student to wrap it up because He knows where she has been, but Student does not. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nVIII- Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings \r\n\r\nStudent inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things. So God said unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to meetings, and God told him, because the glee club is gay. And Student understood His wisdom. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nIX- Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused \r\n\r\nGod said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are. You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in Sharpie. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Student understood and God took a sip of a beer. \r\n\r\nAnd God gave Student the final Commandment \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nX- Thou Shalt Gain Weight \r\n\r\nAnd Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear sweat pants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat to which Student wept profusely. But God comforted Student saying, you will still get ass even if you cannot tie your shoes anymore. Student felt better and God pointed to Student's chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits. And it was good. \r\n\r\nThis is the word of God, follow the Ten Commandments of College or you will be smote!",
"category": "College",
"id": 13327,
"title": "10 Commandments of College"
},
{
"body": "Two robbers from Puerto Rico felt that the police were getting hot on their trail, so they decided to move far away to Montreal and continue their life of crime in the new city. Unfortunately they just did not quite understand winter.\r\nThey were arrested the morning after their first break-in. The police just followed their footsteps in the snow from the store to their house...",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13329,
"title": "To Catch a Thief . . ."
},
{
"body": "If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.\r\n\r\nIf Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.\r\n\r\nIf Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.\r\n\r\nIf Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.\r\n\r\nIf Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.\r\n\r\nIf Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.\r\n\r\nIf Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.\r\n\r\nIf Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.\r\n\r\nIf Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13330,
"title": "More Marriages Made In...?"
},
{
"body": "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, \"Where's the self-help section?\"\r\n\r\nShe said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13331,
"title": "Help!"
},
{
"body": "Bush, Chirac and Saddam went to hell.\r\nBush wanted to call the US, so he called for one minute and then asked for the cost and he was told $1,000,000, so he paid.\r\nJacques Chirac wanted to call France so he called for one minute and he asked for the cost and he was told it's $1,000,000, so he paid.\r\nThen Saddam wanted to call Iraq, so he called for ten minutes and he asked for the cost and he was told $10 and he paid it, but Bush and Chirac complained and wanted to know the reason, so the angel told them, \"He made a local call.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13333,
"title": "Bush, Chirac and Saddam"
},
{
"body": "A blonde wanted to have a copy of herself, so she went to the US, and they asked her for a sample of her blood. They asked her to come back after a week, so she went after a week and she saw a donkey, and they told her that this is her copy. \r\nShe decided to go to Australia, and when she went there they asked for a sample of her blood, and they asked her to come back after a week. When she went back she saw a donkey, so she went to Japan, and when she told them what happened with her, they asked her to come back after a week. She asked them why they didn't need a blood sample, and they told her that they don't need it, so she left. When she came back after a week she saw an exact copy of herself, and when she asked them how they did it, they said, \"We took a blood sample from a donkey.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13336,
"title": "Blonde's Copy"
},
{
"body": "What is the similarity between girls and tea?\r\nThey are both hot and with milk.\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bathroom?\r\nThe girl in church has a soul full with hope and the girl in the bathroom has a hole full with soap.\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between the sky and the skirt?\r\nThe sky covers the whole universe and the skirt covers the universal hole.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13338,
"title": "Similarities and Differences"
},
{
"body": "Q: What is the difference between a plate and a booger?\r\nA: The plate is on the table, but the booger is under the table.\r\n\r\nQ: What is the difference between a prince and a booger?\r\nA: The prince is the heir to the throne, but the booger is thrown to the air.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13339,
"title": "Booger"
},
{
"body": "Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. \"This is even worse than last year,\" said the distraught homeowner, \"when someone broke in and stole my new security system...\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 13344,
"title": "One of Those Days"
},
{
"body": "A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. \"He was seen hopping and jumping around,\" said police spokesman Mike Carey, \"with an explosion taking place inside his pants.\" \r\nPolice have the man's charred trousers in custody...",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13345,
"title": "Ouch!"
},
{
"body": "\"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.\" - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949. \r\n\r\n\"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.\" - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 \r\n\r\n\"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year.\" - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 \r\n\r\n\"But what ... is it good for?\" - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. \r\n\r\n\"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.\" - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 \r\n\r\n\"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'\" - Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 13346,
"title": "As Good As It Gets"
},
{
"body": "\"Everything that can be invented has been invented.\" - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 13347,
"title": "I'm Telling You . . . ."
},
{
"body": "\"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.\" - Western Union internal memo, 1876.\r\n\r\n\"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?\" - David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. \r\n\r\n\"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible.\" - A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) \r\n\r\n\"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?\" - H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. \r\n\r\n\"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.\" - Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in \"Gone With The Wind.\" \r\n\r\n\"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.\" - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. \r\n\r\n\"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.\" - Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. \r\n\r\n\"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this.\" - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M \"Post-It\" Notepads. \r\n\r\n\"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.\" - 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. \r\n\r\n\"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.\" - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. \r\n\r\n\"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.\" - Marechal Ferdinand Foch, professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. \r\n\r\n\"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction\". - Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13348,
"title": "Can't Be Right EVERY Time!"
},
{
"body": "November 15, 1996 - PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said \"Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first.\" \r\nThe tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13349,
"title": "What The...?"
},
{
"body": "Quotes from Officer Fitness Reports:\r\n\r\nHe has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.\r\n\r\nHe has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.\r\n\r\nThis Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.\r\n\r\nWhen he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.\r\n\r\nIn my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13350,
"title": "OFR's"
},
{
"body": "After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier. Angela Martin, age 11\r\n\r\nNever blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute. Lisa Coburn, age 9\r\n\r\nDon't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day. Nick Coleman, age 9\r\n\r\nTake risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk. Bruce Wagner, age 13\r\n\r\nA realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist, but the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. Megan, age 14",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13351,
"title": "What Children Say"
},
{
"body": "When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms, but when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.\r\n\r\nWhen people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.\r\n\r\nRainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.\r\n\r\nSomeday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.\r\n\r\nA vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.\r\n\r\nMany dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.\r\n\r\nGenetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.\r\n\r\nVacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13352,
"title": "What Children Say II"
},
{
"body": "The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? \r\nBecause that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did \"they\" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on the old long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by \r\nImperial Rome for the benefit of their Legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. \r\nSince the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches \r\nderives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's behind came up with it, you \r\nmay be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two warhorses.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 13353,
"title": "Now It All Makes Sense!"
},
{
"body": "A brunette on a river bank sees a blonde on the far shore and yells to her: \"How do I get to the other side of the river?\"\r\n\r\nAnd the blonde yells back \"You're ON the other side.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13354,
"title": "Over the River"
},
{
"body": "Two Saudis emigrated to America with their families. On the plane ride over they made a bet about who could become more \"Americanized\" in their first year.\r\n\r\nAs agreed, they met exactly one year later. The first guy pulled up in his Hummer and said to the second guy \"I win. There's no way you can beat me: I just dropped my son off at Little League, I'm on my way to pick my daughter up from cheerleading practice, and I stopped at McDonalds on my way here.\"\r\n\r\nAnd the second guy said \"Fuck you, towelhead!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 13358,
"title": "Americanization (Hard \"R\" Rating)"
},
{
"body": "Descartes walked into a McDonalds and ordered a veggieburger.\r\n\r\nThe guy behind the counter asked \"Do you want fries with that?\"\r\n\r\nDescartes replied \"I think not,\" and poof - he disappeared.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13359,
"title": "Rene Descartes ..."
},
{
"body": "One guy went to see a doctor because he had a hearing problem, so he met his friend and the conversation began!\r\n\r\nFirst guy: \"Did the doctor give you your test results?\"\r\n\r\nSecond guy: \"Yeah. Looks like all those years of phone sex caught up with me.\r\n\r\nI have hearing AIDS.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13360,
"title": "Hearing AIDS"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, there was a fairy called Nuff.\r\n\r\nFair enough.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13361,
"title": "A Fairy"
},
{
"body": "A kid said to his Dad, \"In school I learned Pluto is in outerspace. But they didn't say where Mickey is.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13364,
"title": "Pluto"
},
{
"body": "1. Customer: \"I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to inquiries, can you help?\"\r\nOperator: \"Where did you get that number from, sir?\"\r\nCustomer: \"It was on the door to the Travel Center.\"\r\nOperator: \"Sir, they are our opening hours.\"\r\n\r\n2. Samsung Electronics\r\nCaller: \"Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?\"\r\nOperator: \"I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.\"\r\nCaller: \"On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?\"\r\nOperator: \"I think you mean the telephone plug-in point on the wall.\"\r\n\r\n3. Motoring Services\r\nCaller: \"Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?\"\r\nOperator: \"Doesn't the product name give you a clue?\"\r\n\r\n4. More Motoring Services\r\nCaller: Inquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France. \"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13365,
"title": "Always Right?"
},
{
"body": "The Lord said to Noah, \"In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark.\" Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. \r\nNoah sat in his front yard, weeping. \r\n\"Why haven't you built the ark?\" asked the Lord. \r\n\"Oh, forgive me,\" said Noah. \"I did my best, but so many things happened. The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience.. \r\nThe Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals. \r\nThe EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. \r\nThe Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain.\r\nThe IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.\r\nI'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years.\" \r\nSuddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine.\r\nNoah looked up and said, \"Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?\"\r\n\"Right,\" said the Lord. \"The government already has.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13367,
"title": "Build an Ark"
},
{
"body": "Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.\r\n\r\nThe second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13368,
"title": "The Boll Weevils"
},
{
"body": "When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.\r\n\r\n\r\nEditor's note: Mean can mean both not nice but another definition is average.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13369,
"title": "Middle Of The Road"
},
{
"body": "I use to feel like I was a man trapped in a woman's body, but then I was born.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13370,
"title": "Discovering Oneself"
},
{
"body": "So this kid has been using lots of his dad's money and the dad says, \"Do you think money grows on trees?\"\r\n\"Ya,\" says the kid.\r\n\"Well, it doesn't,\" says the dad.\r\n\"So what is money made out of, Dad?\"\r\n\"Paper,\" the dad says.\r\n\"And what is paper made out of?\"\r\n\"Shut up.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13372,
"title": "Money on Trees?"
},
{
"body": "\"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.\" - A. Whitney Brown\r\n\r\n\"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.\" - Rita Rudner\r\n\r\n\"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.\" - Bruce Baum\r\n\r\n\"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.\" - David Letterman\r\n\r\n\"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.\" - Jay Leno",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13373,
"title": "Quote Unquote"
},
{
"body": "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.\r\n\r\nQuickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. \r\n\r\nThen God said, \"Let there be light!\" Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. \r\n\r\nGod agreed, and offered to call the light \"Day\" and the darkness \"Night\". The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. \r\n\r\nGod said, \"Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit.\" The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used. \r\n\r\nThen God said, \"Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth.\" The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game, coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audobon Society.\r\n\r\nEverything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days. The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...\r\n\r\nAt this point God created Hell.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13374,
"title": "What On Earth?"
},
{
"body": "Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.\r\n\r\nLead me not into temptation...I can find the way myself.\r\n\r\nThe mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.\r\nJury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.\r\n\r\nMiracles are performed every day, the impossible takes longer.\r\n\r\nNever knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13375,
"title": "A Few One-Liners"
},
{
"body": "\"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.\" - Hippolyte Taine\r\n\r\n\"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are here to welcome me.\" - Unknown\r\n\r\n\"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.\" - Albert Schweitzer\r\n\r\n\"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.\" - Ernest Menaul\r\n\r\n\"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.\"\r\n\r\n\"Time spent with cats is never wasted.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Colette\r\n\r\n\"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.\" - Colonial American proverb\r\n\r\n\"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.\" -Joseph Wood Krutch",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13376,
"title": "Cats"
},
{
"body": "Please don't tell anyone, this is HOT gossip.\r\n\r\nAfter all the years of shit, it's surprising they are still together! Guess who?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nTHE BUTTOCKS!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13377,
"title": "Shhhhhh!"
},
{
"body": "\"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.\" - Jeff Valdez\r\n\r\n\"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.\" - Dave Platt\r\n\r\n\"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Unknown\r\n\r\n\"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.\" - English proverb\r\n\r\n\"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.\" - Ellen Perry Berkeley\r\n\r\n\"One cat just leads to another.\" - Ernest Hemmingway\r\n\r\n\"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.\" - Mary Bly\r\n\r\n\"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.\" - Faith Resnick\r\n\r\n\"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Anonymous",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13380,
"title": "Cats II"
},
{
"body": "There was once, Mr. Maggi mee was walking along the streets and noticed Mr. Meatball just a few metres ahead of him. He then went up, gave Mr. Meatball a good beating and left. \r\nMr. Meatball, not wanting to take this insult, gathered all his meatball friends and arranged to meet outside Mr. Maggi mee's house to seek vengence on the beating.\r\n\r\nThey pressed the bell, and Mr. Spaghetti opened the door. They walloped him and as they did, Mr. Spaghetti asked : why are you guys beating me?\r\n\r\nMr. Meatball replied : \"Don't think that just because you had yourself rebonded, we wouldn't recognise you!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13381,
"title": "Misidentification"
},
{
"body": "If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his sleep, has he broken his vow of silence? If so, who is going to tell on him?",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13382,
"title": "Silence Is Golden?"
},
{
"body": "I went to get some paper from the stationery store, but it had moved.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13383,
"title": "Stationary"
},
{
"body": "I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. \"Do you need some help?\" I asked.\r\n\r\nShe replied, \"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?\" \r\n\r\n\"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?\" I asked.\r\n\r\n\"No, just this remote 'thingy,'\" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.\r\n\r\nAs I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, \"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13384,
"title": "Keys Please, Louise"
},
{
"body": "The following are all quotes from an 11 year old student's science exams:\r\n\r\nWater is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.\r\n\r\nWhen you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.\r\n\r\nH20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.\r\n\r\nTo collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube.\r\n\r\nRespiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.\r\n\r\nThe body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u.\r\n\r\nMomentum: What you give a person when they are going away.\r\n\r\nRhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.\r\n\r\nVacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.\r\n\r\nTo keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.\r\n\r\nA fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.\r\n\r\nGerminate: To become a naturalized German.\r\n\r\nLitter: A nest of young puppies.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13385,
"title": "What We Learned"
},
{
"body": "Years ago when I was working at Customer Service for a gardening company, I came across this tale. It is completely true! \r\n A lady came in looking for a soaker hose (a hose that drips water into the soil every few minutes) I helped her find it, but soon, she came back with a complaint.\r\n\r\n\"What's the problem,\" I asked.\r\n\r\n\"It leaks.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13387,
"title": "Soaker Hose"
},
{
"body": "A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car. \"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,\" she cried out.\r\n\r\nHowever, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. \"Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13388,
"title": "Stupid Drunk Blonde"
},
{
"body": "A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. \r\n\r\nHis diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, \"He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating 'this deadly gas'.\"\r\n\r\nThree of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13389,
"title": "Deadly Gas"
},
{
"body": "According to \"The Australian,\" an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.\r\n\r\nThe captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.\r\n\r\nThe vibration stopped immediately.\r\n\r\nA passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13390,
"title": "Not Good Vibrations"
},
{
"body": "Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end. \r\n\r\nFinally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, \"Listen, it means nothing, they even have a Vice President of peas at the grocery store!\" \r\n\r\n\"Really?\" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store. \r\n\r\nA clerk answers and Tom says, \"Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?\" \r\n\r\nThe clerk replies, \"Canned or frozen?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13391,
"title": "The New V P"
},
{
"body": "According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.\r\n\r\nFollowing last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and is going for a song.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13392,
"title": "Got A Yen?"
},
{
"body": "In the USA they go ice skating.\r\n\r\nIn Canada we go skating; we just assume it will be on ice!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13393,
"title": "Canada vs USA"
},
{
"body": "Tommy went to a psychiatrist. \"Doc,\" he said, \"I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!\" \r\n\r\n\"Just put yourself in my hands for two years,\" said the shrink. \"Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears.\" \r\n\"How much do you charge?\" \r\n\"A hundred dollars per visit.\" \r\n\"I'll sleep on it,\" said Tommy. \r\n\r\nSix months later the doctor met Tommy on the street. \"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?\" asked the psychiatrist. \r\n\"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.\" \r\n\"Is that so! How?\" \r\n\"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 13394,
"title": "I'm Going Nuts!"
},
{
"body": "What is a definition of a \" suicide bomber\"? \r\nAnswer: \"martyr-dumb\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13397,
"title": "Definition"
},
{
"body": "On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: \r\nTWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, \r\nELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),\r\nTEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, \r\nNINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,\r\nEIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,\r\nSEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, \r\nSIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, \r\nFIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, \r\n(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) \r\nFOUR hours of recorded whale songs,\r\nTHREE deconstructionist poets,\r\nTWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,\r\nAND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13398,
"title": "All New \"12 Days\""
},
{
"body": "Room service? Send up a larger room.\r\n\r\nWho are you going to believe; me, or your own eyes?\r\n\r\nA child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.\r\n\r\nI never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.\r\n\r\nOne morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.\r\n\r\nI must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.\r\n\r\nI don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13399,
"title": "Some Groucho Marx Quotes"
},
{
"body": "Teacher - \"Didn't you promise to behave?\" \r\nJohnny - \"Yes, sir.\"\r\nTeacher - \"And didn't I promise to punish you if you misbehaved?\" \r\nJohnny - \"Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you don't have to keep yours.\"\r\n\r\nTeacher - \"How can one person make so many mistakes in one day?\"\r\nJohnny - \"I get up early.\"\r\n\r\nTeacher - \"Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.\"\r\nFather - \"What's that?\"\r\nTeacher - \"With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13400,
"title": "Could Do Better"
},
{
"body": "As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, \"And what would you like for Christmas?\" \r\nThe child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a moment, then gasped - \"Didn't you get my E-mail?\"\r\n\r\nA 7-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good, including Mary, Joseph, and of course baby Jesus. \r\nHowever, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable that just did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied, \"Oh, that's Round John Virgin.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13401,
"title": "Christmas"
},
{
"body": "A policeman was walking the beat when suddenly he saw a large black man pummeling a small jewish man as he pinned him to the concrete. The policeman quickly rushed in to break up the scuffle. \r\n\r\nHe asked the black man what was going on and why he was beating the helpless man. \r\n\r\nThe black man responded \"He called me a black bastard!\" \r\n\r\nThe policeman looked down to the beaten jewish man and asked. \"Is it true? Did you call this man a black bastard?\"\r\n\r\nThe jewish man looked at the policeman and said \"No! The gentleman asked me where the store was and I told him he was a block past it.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13403,
"title": "Block Past It"
},
{
"body": "My bedroom is so small...\r\nThe mice are hunchbacked.\r\nI shut the door and and the doorknob was in bed with me.\r\nI have to go outside to change my mind.\r\nIf I stand up, I'm on the second floor.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13404,
"title": "More Than A Few One Liners"
},
{
"body": "A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, \"Paul, your shoes are on the wrong feet.\"\r\n\r\nHe looked up at her and said, \"No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13406,
"title": "Left, Right"
},
{
"body": "Here are some lessons leaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers. \r\n\r\nPick The Right Bank: \r\nYou don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. \r\n\r\nStudy Your History: \r\nDon't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans. \r\n\r\nSpeak To The Right Teller: \r\nOne robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. \r\n\r\nDon't Sign Your Demand Note: \r\nDemand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. \r\n\r\nDon't Advertise: \r\nA teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13407,
"title": "Stupid Robbers I"
},
{
"body": "Here are some lessons leaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.\r\n\r\nGo Easy On The Disguise:\r\nOne robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.\r\n\r\nTake Right Turns Only:\r\nAvoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security police money.\r\n\r\nBe Aware Of The Time:\r\nImagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 pm, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.\r\n\r\nConsider Another Line Of Work:\r\nBank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.\r\n \r\nBe Strong:\r\nThen there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13408,
"title": "Stupid Robbers II"
},
{
"body": "(Washington DC): A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check - a forged check. He got 10 years.\r\n(Virginia): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head - and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.\r\n(Maryland): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole - are you ready for this? - the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)\r\n(Washington, DC): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed \"911\" for help...\r\n(Virginia): Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck - so they abandoned it.\r\n(Virginia): A man walked into a 7-11 convenience store, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled - leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.\r\n(Maryland) A man is assaulted on the streets of Baltimore. The victim did not have enough cash to suit the assailant so the victim offers a check to the assailant. The assailant accepts the check and is promptly arrested when he attempts to cash it at a local bank.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13410,
"title": "Stupid Robbers III"
},
{
"body": "(Washington DC) Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.\r\n(Virginia) A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.\r\n(Washington DC) A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled - leaving his wallet on the counter.\r\n(Virginia) A German \"tourist,\" supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a \"handicap\" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does - backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.\r\n(Virginia) Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house - where she realized that the camel's name was \"Otto.\"\r\n(Maryland) A company called \"Guns For Hire\" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13411,
"title": "Stupid Robbers IV"
},
{
"body": "42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. \r\n99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. \r\nA bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. \r\nA clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. \r\nA clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. \r\nA closed mouth gathers no foot. \r\nA conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. \r\nA day without sunshine is like, night. \r\nA diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. \r\nA flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. \r\nAll generalizations are false, including this one. \r\nAll men are idiots, and I married their King. \r\nAlways remember you're unique, just like everyone else. \r\nAlways try to be modest and be proud of it! \r\nAnything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of. \r\nArtificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. \r\nAssassins do it from behind. \r\nAtheism is a non-prophet organization. \r\nAuntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. \r\nBe nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. \r\nBeauty is in the eye of the beer holder. \r\nBeer: It's not just for breakfast anymore. \r\nBefore you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. \r\nBetter to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. \r\nBills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks \r\nBorrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back. \r\nBoycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! \r\nC program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. \r\nChange is inevitable, except from a vending machine. \r\nChocolate: the OTHER major food group. \r\nConsciousness: That annoying time between naps. \r\nCorduroy pillows: They're making headlines! \r\nCould you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass? \r\nCriminal Lawyer is a redundancy. \r\nDaddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? \r\nDeath is hereditary. \r\nDespite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? \r\nDid anyone see my lost carrier? \r\nDiplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick. \r\nDo not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. \r\nDon't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. \r\nDon't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink. \r\nDon't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. \r\nDon't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. \r\nDouble your drive space. Delete Windows! \r\nDuct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. \r\nEagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. \r\nEnergizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery. \r\nError, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue. \r\nEver notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. \r\nEver stop to think, and forget to start again? \r\nEveryone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. \r\nExperience is something you don't get until just after you need it. \r\nExperience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. \r\nFew women admit their age. Few men act theirs. \r\nFor every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. \r\nFor Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. \r\nForget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. \r\nFriends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. \r\nFriends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate. \r\nGenerally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. \r\nGenius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told. \r\nGet a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade! \r\nGive a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. \r\nGive me ambiguity or give me something else. \r\nGood judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. \r\nHard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. \r\nHe who laughs last thinks slowest. \r\nHonk if you love peace and quiet. \r\nHonk if you want to see my finger. \r\nHow do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? \r\nHow does Teflon stick to the pan? \r\nHow many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand. \r\nI am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. \r\nI couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. \r\nI didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you. \r\nI don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. \r\nI feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. \r\nI get enough exercise just pushing my luck. \r\nI just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. \r\nI need someone really bad. Are you really bad? \r\nI poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. \r\nI took an IQ test and the results were negative. \r\nI tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. \r\nI used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. \r\nI used to have a handle on life, and then it broke. \r\nI used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. \r\nI won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. \r\nI wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. \r\nI'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. \r\nI'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! \r\nI'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. \r\nIf at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. \r\nIf at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. \r\nIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? \r\nIf ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. \r\nIf you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! \r\nIf you can't convince them, confuse them. \r\nIf you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? \r\nIf you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you. \r\nIf you haven't much education you must use your brain. \r\nIf you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. \r\nIf you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. \r\nIf you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. \r\nIRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. \r\nIt IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. \r\nIt is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. \r\nIt may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. \r\nIt's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. \r\nIt's lonely at the top, but you eat better. \r\nJack Kevorkian for White House Physician. \r\nJesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. \r\nJoin the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them. \r\nKeep honking. I'm reloading. \r\nLaughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. \r\nLearn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control. \r\nLottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. \r\nLove may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. \r\nMake it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. \r\nMonday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. \r\nMontana: At least our cows are sane! \r\nMore hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed! \r\nMultitasking means screwing up several things at once. \r\nMy hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom. \r\nMy mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states. \r\nNever ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. \r\nNever do card tricks for the group you play poker with. \r\nNever mess up an apology with an excuse. \r\nNever miss a good chance to shut up. \r\nNever test the depth of the water with both feet. \r\nNever underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. \r\nNo one is listening until you make a mistake. \r\nOh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW! \r\nOkay, who put a stop payment on my reality check? \r\nOn the other hand, you have different fingers. \r\nOops. My brain just hit a bad sector. \r\nOut of my mind. Back in five minutes. \r\nPentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. \r\nPlan to be spontaneous, tomorrow. \r\nPride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. \r\nPuritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. \r\nQuantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. \r\nQuickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader. \r\nReality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. \r\nRemember half the people you know are below average. \r\nSave the whales. Collect the whole set \r\nSave your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date! \r\nShin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. \r\nSmile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. \r\nSmith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. \r\nSome days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. \r\nSome drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle. \r\nSome people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. \r\nSuccess always occurs in private and failure in full view. \r\nSuicidal twin kills sister by mistake! \r\nSupport bacteria, they're the only culture some people have. \r\nThe Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing. \r\nThe colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. \r\nThe early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. \r\nThe hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. \r\nThe journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire. \r\nThe more you complain, the longer God makes you live. \r\nThe only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. \r\nThe problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. \r\nThe quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. \r\nThe secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER \r\nThe severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. \r\nThe shortest distance between two points is under construction. \r\nThe sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. \r\nThe universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel. \r\nThere are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. \r\nThere are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. \r\nThere's too much blood in my caffeine system. \r\nThings are more like they are now than they ever were before. \r\nTime is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students. \r\nTime is what keeps everything from happening at once. \r\nTiming has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. \r\nTo steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. \r\nTo succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. \r\nVery funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. \r\nWanted: Meaningful overnight relationship. \r\nWarning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear. \r\nWe have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart? \r\nWe were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse. \r\nWear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! \r\nWhat happens if you get scared half to death twice? \r\nWhat is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? \r\nWhat's the speed of dark? \r\nWhen everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. \r\nWhen there's a will, I want to be in it. \r\nWhen you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. \r\nWho is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? \r\nWho stopped payment on my reality check? \r\nWhy do psychics have to ask you for your name? \r\nWhy is abbreviation such a long word? \r\nWhy isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? \r\nWomen who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. \r\nYou are depriving some poor village of its idiot. \r\nYou can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word. \r\nYou have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you. \r\nYou're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! \r\nYour gene pool could use a little chlorine. \r\nYour kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13416,
"title": "Huge List of One Liners"
},
{
"body": "Unpublished Children's Books \r\n\r\nYou Were an Accident \r\nStrangers Have the Best Candy \r\nThe Little Sissy Who Snitched \r\nSome Kittens Can Fly \r\nGetting More Chocolate on Your Face \r\nWhere Would You Like to Be Buried? \r\nKathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her \r\nAll Dogs Go to Hell \r\nThe Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking \r\nWhen Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It \r\nGarfield Gets Feline Leukemia \r\nWhat Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog? \r\nWhy Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? \r\nDaddy Drinks Because You Cry \r\nMister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver \r\nYou Are Different and That's Bad \r\nPop Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games \r\nThe Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad \r\nThe Tickling Babysitter \r\nBabar Meets the Taxidermist \r\nCurious George and the High-Voltage Fence \r\nThe Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables \r\nStart a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from your Mommy's Purse \r\nThe Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy \r\nThings Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will \r\nThe Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead \r\nHow to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School \r\nControlling the playground: Respect through Fear \r\nBarney: The Prison Years",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13417,
"title": "Unpublished Children Books"
},
{
"body": "21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic\" \r\n\r\n1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive. \r\n\r\n2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water. \r\n\r\n3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait. \r\n\r\n4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage. \r\n\r\n5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say, \"Look at the size of that thing!\" and really mean it. \r\n\r\n6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun. \r\n\r\n7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. \r\nStar Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral. \r\n\r\n8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship. \r\n\r\n9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun. \r\n\r\n10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing? \r\n\r\n11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt. \r\n\r\n12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars. \r\n\r\n13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed \"kings of the world?\" \r\n\r\n14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key. \r\n\r\n15. Nothing has the same sting as \"I'd rather kiss a Wookie.\" \r\n\r\n16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes. \r\n\r\n17. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg! \r\n\r\n18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, \"Luke....I am your father.\"? \r\n\r\n19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character. \r\n\r\n20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars. \r\n\r\n21. Titanic morals: \r\na. gamble, \r\nb. cheat on your husband, \r\n \r\nStar Wars morals: \r\na. fight evil, \r\nb. do good, \r\nc. respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers, \r\nd. rescue princess, \r\ne. save planet.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13420,
"title": "Why Star Wars is Better Than the Titanic"
},
{
"body": "So there was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead and they were running from the police but all they could find was a barn. They were in a hurry to hide so the brunette hid in the horse's stable, the redhead hid in a tree, and the blonde hid behind a few boxes of oranges. When the policemen came to the barn, they went to the horses stable and the policeman heard something.\r\n\"Wait!\" he said. \"I hear breathing!\" \r\nBut the brunette went, \"Neigh! Neigh!\"\r\n\"Oh, it's just a horse,\" the policeman said. Then he walked around and came upon a tree and heard breathing. \r\n\"Stop!\" he said. \"I hear breathing in the tree!\" \r\n\"Caww! Caww!\" went the redhead.\r\n\"Oh,it's just a bird,\" said the policeman. Next, the policemen came upon a barn with a stack of boxes of oranges.\r\n\"Wait!\" Said the policeman. \"I hear breathing!\"\r\nThen the blonde said \"I'm an orange! I'm an orange!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13424,
"title": "Policemen"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\nWho's There\r\nHatch\r\nHatch Who?\r\nGod Bless You.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 13427,
"title": "Hatch"
},
{
"body": "Once there was a man named John Odd. He hated his last name. Since he was little people would make fun of him calling him \"the odd man out.\"\r\n\r\nHe grew older and fell in love with a girl named Julie. They soon got married and people immediately started calling them \"the odd couple.\"\r\n\r\nJohn was enraged by this. He decided that he should have a talk with his wife. \r\n\r\n\"I hate my last name! My whole life people have made fun of it. Just recently I realized that people that don't even know me are going to see my tombstone in a grave yard and laugh about it! I want you to promise me that when I die you'll leave my tombstone blank. I want to have more respect than that.\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay honey. Whatever you want,\" she said with a smile on her face. \r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\n*\r\nYears later, after John passed away, a young couple were walking out of the cemetery after putting flowers on a relative's grave. The wife looked down and saw John's blank tombstone. She got her husband's attention and said, \r\n\r\n\"Isn't that Odd?\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13428,
"title": "Odd?"
},
{
"body": "A teacher is explaining Biology to her 4th grade students, \"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,\" she says.\r\n\r\nA little girl raises her hand, \"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,\" she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" she began, \"I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!\"\r\n\r\n\"That must have been scary,\" said the teacher.\r\n\r\n\"It sure was,\"said the little girl. \"My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say 'F*ck,' the rottweiler ate him!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13429,
"title": "Stuttering Cat"
},
{
"body": "2 guys are sitting at a bar after a hard days work and start talking about their wives.\r\n\r\n1st guy: \"You know what, my wife is an angel.\"\r\n\r\n2nd guy: \"Gee, you sure are lucky, my wife is still alive!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13431,
"title": "My Wife..."
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nAesop\r\nAesop who?\r\nAesop I saw a Putty Cat, I did I did!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 13432,
"title": "Aesop"
},
{
"body": "A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.\r\n\r\nThe man walked up to the car and asked, \"Are you going to San Diego?\"\r\n\r\n\"Sure,\" answered the blonde, \"do you need a lift?\"\r\n\r\n\"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo.\r\nThey're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'd be happy to,\" said the blonde.\r\n\r\nSo the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.\r\n\r\nFive hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly, to his horror, there was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.\r\n\r\nWith a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.\r\n\r\n\"What the heck are you doing here?\" he demanded, \"I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I know you did,\" said the blonde, \"but we had money left over - so now we're going to Sea World.....",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13436,
"title": "A Chimp and A Blonde"
},
{
"body": "When I was growing up I never bothered to learn French. So I tried very hard to avoid French in general, since I didn't know any of it. It was very hard to avoid...\r\n\r\n\r\n...since my family spoke french...",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13437,
"title": "Talk"
},
{
"body": "Google Products We'll Never See\r\n\r\n11. Google Hitman Assistant - Find, schedule, and collect on all your assassinations with this suite of products.\r\n\r\n10. Googlearchy - Tired of democracy? Install the government that everyone loves without annoying pop-up ads.\r\n\r\n9. Google Smite - An extension of Google Earth uses laser beams attached to the satellites to exact revenge or just have some fun for paid subscribers.\r\n\r\n8. Google Carnage - Use real-time satellite images to zoom in and see car, train, or plane crashes and other disasters.\r\n\r\n7. Google Ogle - The hottest unsecured webcams on the Internet.\r\n\r\n6. Googlebator - Used with Google Ogle, it's our first attempt at hardware.\r\n\r\n5. Google Alibi - Paid service that will provide you with a credible account for your whereabouts.\r\n\r\n4. Google Telegraph - Dash-Dot, Dash-Dash-Dash, Dash.\r\n\r\n3. Google Gaggle - The only search engine for geese.\r\n\r\n2. Google Invading Force - Some pesky third world country got you down? Send in the troops with Google's new troop management tool.\r\n\r\n1. Gogoel - Search, for dyslexics.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 13438,
"title": "Google Products"
},
{
"body": "A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, \"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?\"\r\n\r\nThe clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.\r\n\r\nThe man repeats himself: \"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?\"\r\n\r\nAgain, the clerk doesn't answer him.\r\n\r\nThe guy asks several more times: \"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?\"\r\n\r\nAnd the clerk just seems to ignore him.\r\n\r\nFinally, the guy storms off in anger.\r\n\r\nThe customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, \"Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?\"\r\n\r\nThe clerk answers, \"D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13440,
"title": "H-h-h-how C-c-ccan I H-h-help U-u?"
},
{
"body": "Operator: \"Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your ...\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Halloo, can I order?\"\r\n\r\nOperator : \"Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"It's eh ..., hold on ... 698-45-54610 ...\"\r\n\r\nOperator : \"OK... you're ... Mr Steven Huckleberry and you're calling from 17 Retief Str. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 082 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?\"\r\n\r\nOperator : \"We are connected to the system Sir.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"May I order your Seafood Pizza...\"\r\n\r\nOperator : \"That's not a good idea Sir.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"How come?\"\r\n\r\nOperator : \"According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"What?... What do you recommend then?\"\r\n\r\nOperator : \"Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza.You'll like it\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"How do you know for sure?\"\r\n\r\nOperator : \"You borrowed a book entitled \"Popular Hokkien Dishes\" from the National Library last week Sir.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"OK I give up ... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?\r\n\r\nOperator : \"That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $149.99\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Can I pay by credit card?\"\r\n\r\nOperator : \"I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.\"\r\n\r\nOperator : \"You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?\"\r\n\r\nOperator : \"About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Green Double Cab ...\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"What!\"\r\n\r\nOperator : \"According to the details in system, you own a Nissan Double Cab, ... registration number NRB 1123 ...\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \" *'!^ *%^*%^I7*\"\r\n\r\nOperator : \"Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: [Speechless]\r\n\r\nOperator : \"Is there anything else Sir?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Nothing ... by the way ... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?\"\r\n\r\nOperator : \"We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic ... \"\r\n\r\nCustomer : \"Please cancel the order, my wife will have to cook ...\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13441,
"title": "Coming Shortly"
},
{
"body": "This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears a whistle:\r\n\r\n\"Whooee da Whoee!\"\r\n\r\nHe sees something coming towards him, but doesn't know what it is.\r\n\r\nPredictably, he's hit - but, only a glancing blow - and is thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.\r\n\r\nAfter weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.\r\n\r\nHis friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes to the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man:\r\n\r\n\"Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?\"\r\n\r\nThe desert man replies: \"Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13443,
"title": "Chugga, Chugga, Chugga, Chugga, Choo! Choo!"
},
{
"body": "Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.\r\n\r\nAfter a week of this, she can't stand it any more, takes her\r\ncomplaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.\r\n\r\nThe Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,\"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?\"\r\n\r\nThe woman replies,\"It's Keith, the midget.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13447,
"title": "Smell So Good"
},
{
"body": "A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex education to her class.\r\n\r\nShe starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, \"Does anyone know what this is?\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny says, \"Yes, my dad has 2 of them!\"\r\n\r\nTeacher, \"Are you sure about that?\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny, \"Yes, he uses the small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and the big long one to brush the baby-sitter's teeth.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13449,
"title": "S** Ed....................."
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so Dumb she put training wheels on your tricycle.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13451,
"title": "So Dumb.."
},
{
"body": "An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.\r\n\r\nThe Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, \"Is that Jesus sitting over there?\"\r\n\r\nThe waitress nodded yes, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.\r\n\r\nThe next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, \"Is that Jesus over there?\"\r\n\r\nThe waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, \"My treat.\"\r\n\r\nThe third patron to come into the restaurant was a redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, \"Hey there, sweet thang! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke?\"\r\n\r\nHe, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, \"Is that God's boy over there?\" The waitress once more nodded, so the redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, \"and put it on my bill.\"\r\n\r\nAs Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him, and said, \"For your kindness, you are healed.\" The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.\r\n\r\nJesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him, and said, \"For your kindness, you are healed.\" The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of backflips out the door.\r\n\r\nThen Jesus walked towards the redneck. The redneck jumped up and yelled, \"Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 13452,
"title": "Disability"
},
{
"body": "Who is the ugliest member of wocka?\r\n\r\n\r\n[Name Removed - This joke offends some users - Joke awaiting deletion]",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13453,
"title": "Ugliest"
},
{
"body": "My geometry tutor told me, \"A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided one is called a pentagon.\" \r\n\"What about two sided ones?\" I asked. \r\n\"They don't exist,\" was his response. \r\n\"I beg to differ! I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13454,
"title": "Bygones"
},
{
"body": "HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? \r\n\"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.\" - Alan, age 10\r\n\"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.\" - Kirsten, age 10\r\n\r\nWHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?\r\n\"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.\" - Camille, age 10\r\n\"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.\"- Freddie, age 6\r\n\r\nHOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?\r\n\"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.\" - Eddie, age 6\r\n\"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.\" - Derrick, age 8\r\n\r\nWHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? \r\n\"Both don't want no more kids.\" - Lori, age 8\r\n\r\nWHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? \r\n\"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.\" - Lynnette, age 8\r\n\r\nWHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE? \r\n\"When they're rich.\" - Pam, age 7\r\n\"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.\" - Curt, age 7\r\n\"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.\" - Howard, age 8\r\n\r\nIS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? \r\n\"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.\" - Anita, age 9\r\n\"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.\" - Kirsten, age 10\r\n\r\nHOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? \r\n\"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now.\" - Roberta, age 7 \r\n\r\nHOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? \r\n\"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.\" - Ricky, age 10",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13455,
"title": "What Children Say III"
},
{
"body": "A Cat's Guide: TRAINING YOUR HUMAN\r\nCHAIRS AND RUGS:\r\nIf you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.\r\nDOORS:\r\nDo not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and scratch loudly. Once the door is opened, it is considered bad form to go through it.\r\nAfter you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.\r\nGUESTS:\r\nQuickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have \"Friskies Fish n' Glop\" on your breath.\r\nFor sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats should go to black wool clothing.\r\nFor the guest who claims, \"I love kitties,\" be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to clothing or use a quick nip on the ankle.\r\nWhen walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, \"But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here.\"\r\nAlways accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything; just sit and stare.\r\nWORK:\r\nIf one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, but is known to humans as hampering.\r\nFollowing are the rules for hampering: \r\nA. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.\r\nB. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a newspaper, claw at it until shredded. Your human will appreciate a home-made toy.\r\nC. For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles or grab the yarn in your mouth. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn, but don't be fooled by this maneuver. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.\r\nPLAY: \r\nPlay is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-o'-the-hill on their bed between 2 am and 4 am.\r\nMOST IMPORTANT: Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. Good luck!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13456,
"title": "A Cat's Guide"
},
{
"body": "Bill Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan), for 6.00 a.m. While his coffee pot (made in Japan), is perking, he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan), his designer jeans (made in Singapore), and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea).\r\nAfter cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in the Philippines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico), how much he can spend today. After setting his watch (made in Switzerland), to the radio (made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany), goes looking as he has been for months, for a good paying American job.\r\nAfter the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Bill decides to relax for a while. He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil), pours himself a glass of wine made in France), and turns on his TV (made in Japan), and wonders again why he can't find a good paying job in America.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13458,
"title": "At Work . . Or Not"
},
{
"body": "Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.\r\n\r\nPisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.\r\n\r\nAries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.\r\n\r\nTaurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.\r\n\r\nGemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.\r\n\r\nCancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.\r\n\r\nLeo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.\r\n\r\nVirgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.\r\n\r\nLibra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.\r\n\r\nScorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.\r\n\r\nSagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.\r\n\r\nCapricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13463,
"title": "Horoscopes By Adam Sandler"
},
{
"body": "Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.\r\n\r\nGravity...it's not just a good Idea, it's the Law.\r\n\r\nFirst things first, but not necessarily in that order.\r\n\r\nMy mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.\r\n\r\nMeasure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.\r\n\r\nLook out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.\r\n\r\nAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse.\r\n\r\nAm I ignorant or apathetic? I don't know and don't care!\r\n\r\nCan you repeat the part after, \"Listen very carefully\"?\r\n\r\nDespite the high cost of living, it remains popular.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13465,
"title": "Some More One Liners VI"
},
{
"body": "Dyslexia: it can warn without striking!\r\n\r\nGive and you might receive. Take and be sure of it.\r\n\r\nI used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.\r\n\r\nI'm in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.\r\n\r\nJealousy is all the fun you think they have.\r\n\r\nOriginality is the art of concealing your source.\r\n\r\nSynonym: word used when you can't spell the one you wanted.\r\n\r\nThe Apathy Anonymous meeting was canceled due to lack of interest.\r\n\r\nYou can tell a real programmer by the keyboard-shaped dents in his forehead.\r\n\r\nYou have mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13466,
"title": "Some More One Liners VII"
},
{
"body": "You know you are a redneck when you do not speak your first word until your 18th birthday and that word is WELFARE!.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 13467,
"title": "The Cruelest Redneck Joke Ever"
},
{
"body": "Why do Gynecologists retire at a younger age that other doctors?\r\n\r\nThey get tunnel vision!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13468,
"title": "Gynecologists"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so old, if she's not wearing a bra, it looks like she has four legs.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13469,
"title": "Yo Momma So Old"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so fat she sat on Bigfoot and turned him into \"Little Toe.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13470,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at an engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.\r\nOne afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.\r\nAs I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.\r\n\"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?\" he asked.\r\nSuddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.) \"Yes,\" I said, \"that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter.\"\r\nThere was a long pause, then his face cleared and he said, \"You know, I always wondered about that.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13475,
"title": "Day And Night"
},
{
"body": "There were two guys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to try some ice fishing.\r\n\r\nThey'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off for up there. The lakes were frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to a lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, \"We're going to need an ice pick.\"\r\n\r\nSo they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, \"We're going to need another dozen ice picks.\"\r\n\r\nWell, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the the guy left. In about an hour, he was back. \"We're going to need all the ice picks you've got.\"\r\n\r\nThe bait man couldn't stand it any longer. \"By the way,\" he asked, \"how are you fellows doing?\"\r\n\r\n\"Not very well at all,\" he said. \"We don't even have the boat in the water yet.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 13476,
"title": "Ice Fishing Version 3"
},
{
"body": "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.\r\n\r\nI have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.\r\n\r\nI am loyal to my employer at all costs.Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.\r\n\r\nReason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every day. I couldn't work under those conditions.\r\n\r\nFailed bar exam with relatively high grades.\r\n\r\nMy goal is to be a meteorologist, but since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.\r\n\r\nAs indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.\r\n\r\nInstrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.\r\n\r\nThe company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.\r\n\r\nI am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13477,
"title": "From Real Job Applications"
},
{
"body": "New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season...\"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.\"\r\n\r\nShaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: \"I've won at every level, except college and pro.\"\r\n\r\nChuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: \"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.\"\r\n\r\nSteve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: \"But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.\"\r\n\r\nTorrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: \"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.\"\r\n\r\nShelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: \"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 13478,
"title": "Sportsmen Quotes"
},
{
"body": "The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. \"You don't want to try these techniques at home.\"\r\n\"Why not?\" asked someone from the back of the audience.\r\n\"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,\" the expert explained.\r\n\"She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'\"\r\nThe voice from the back asked, \"Did it save time?\"\r\nThe expert replied, \"Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13479,
"title": "The Efficiency Expert"
},
{
"body": "That I would never watch the news, and I would be totally out of touch with the world happenings.\r\n\r\nThat if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.\r\n\r\nThat I could change so much and barely realize it.\r\n\r\nThat college kids throw airplanes too.\r\n\r\nThat you can know everything and fail a test.\r\n\r\nThat you can know nothing and ace a test. (I know a bunch of us are testimony to this one!)\r\n\r\nThat my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.\r\n\r\nThat I would become one of those people that my parents warned me about.\r\n\r\nThat the more money your parents give you, the less you have every time you check your account!",
"category": "College",
"id": 13481,
"title": "I Wish I Had Known:"
},
{
"body": "One day an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.\r\nThe police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, \"How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?\"\r\n\"No,\" replied the nervous immigrant.\r\n\"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?\"\r\n\"No.\"\r\n\"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?\"\r\n\"No.\"\r\n\"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?\" asked the exasperated police officer.\r\n\"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!\" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. \r\nThe police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.\r\nThe immigrant became indignant and said, \"What's so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13482,
"title": "French Polisher"
},
{
"body": "Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home.\r\n\r\nDenison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine.\r\n\r\n3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera.\r\n\r\nCrabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple.\r\n\r\nSwissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese.\r\n\r\nJohn Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi.\r\n\r\nAnd don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13483,
"title": "Some Mergers"
},
{
"body": "One day two robins walked along the road, planning their day. \r\nRobin #1:Oh my god, we totally have to get some bronzing oil!\r\nRobin #2:Duh, I mean if are going to spend the whole day at the beach we totally have to!\r\nThat day while the robins were tanning on the beach a big bad fox came along. He took one look at them and said:\r\nFox:Mmmm, I love Baskin' Robins!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13484,
"title": "Baskin Robins"
},
{
"body": "It's okay to kiss a fool,\r\nand it's also okay to let a fool kiss you.\r\nBut NEVER let a kiss fool you!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13486,
"title": "Huh..."
},
{
"body": "Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13487,
"title": "Think About This..."
},
{
"body": "-What do you call a dog in a submarine?\r\n-A sub-woofer.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13492,
"title": "Dog in a Submarine"
},
{
"body": "Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday.\r\nThe sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.\r\nAfter the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, \"Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn,\" to which the gentleman replied, \"You're not the only one!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13494,
"title": "Long Service Medal"
},
{
"body": "The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.\r\n\"Goat,\" the little boy replied.\r\n\"Goat?\" replied the startled man of the cloth, \"Are you sure about that?\"\r\n\"Yep,\" said the youngster. \"I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13495,
"title": "Dinner"
},
{
"body": "Are part-time band leaders semiconductors?\r\n\r\nIf athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?\r\n\r\nDoes killing time damage eternity?\r\n\r\nDaylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?\r\n\r\nDo pilots in a hurry take crash-courses?\r\n\r\nHow do you get off a nonstop flight?",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13496,
"title": "Some Puns"
},
{
"body": "I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.\r\nI want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.\r\nI want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.\r\nI want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.\r\nI want to return to a time when life was simple; when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.\r\nI want to believe that anything is possible. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.\r\nI want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.\r\nSo . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.\r\nAnd if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause..............\"Tag! You're it.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13497,
"title": "Resignation As An Adult"
},
{
"body": "ALL DIET FAQ's answered...\r\n\r\nQ: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? \r\nA: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.\r\nSo a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. \r\nNeed grain?\r\nEat chicken.\r\n\r\n\r\nQ: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?\r\nA: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. \r\nIts only the misconception, that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up!\r\n \r\nQ: Aren't fried foods bad for you? \r\nA: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? \r\n \r\nQ: Is chocolate bad for me? \r\nA: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable ! It's the best feel-good food around! \r\n \r\nQ: Is swimming good for your figure?\r\nA: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. \r\n \r\nQ: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?\r\nA: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!\r\n\r\n\r\nWell, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets..........",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13500,
"title": "Veggies"
},
{
"body": "1. Iraqi Head Found With Arms\r\n\r\n2. Man Loses Toes in Snow, but Timesheet Submitted\r\n\r\n3. Crack found on Governor's Daughter\r\n\r\n4. Miners Refuse To Work After Death\r\n\r\n5. Eight Arms Found In Octopus",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 13501,
"title": "Hilarious Headlines"
},
{
"body": "Stay with this - the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.\r\n\r\nOne evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.\r\n\r\nThe grandma replied, \"Well, let me think a minute. I was born before:\r\n\r\n* television\r\n* penicillin\r\n* polio shots\r\n* frozen foods\r\n* Xerox\r\n* contact lenses\r\n* Frisbees and\r\n* the pill\r\n\r\nThere were no:\r\n* credit cards\r\n* laser beams or\r\n* ball-point pens\r\n\r\nMan had not invented:\r\n* pantyhose\r\n* air conditioners\r\n* dishwashers\r\n* clothes dryers\r\n* and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.\r\n\r\nYour grandfather and I got married first, . . . and then lived together.\r\nEvery family had a father and a mother.\r\nUntil I was 25, I called every man older than me, \"Sir\".And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, \"Sir.\"\r\nWe were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers,and group therapy.\r\nOur lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.\r\nWe were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.\r\nServing your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.\r\nWe thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.\r\nHaving a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.\r\nDraft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.\r\nTime-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.\r\nWe never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt,or guys wearing earrings.\r\nWe listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.\r\nI don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.\r\nIf you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.\r\nThe term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.\r\nPizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.\r\nWe had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.\r\nIce-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.\r\nAnd if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.\r\nYou could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?\r\nToo bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.\r\n\r\nIn my day:\r\n* \"grass\" was mowed,\r\n* \"coke\" was a cold drink,\r\n* \"gay\" meant happy\r\n* \"pot\" was something your mother cooked in and\r\n* \"rock music\" was your grandmother's lullaby.\r\n* \"Aids\" were helpers in the Principal's office,\r\n* \" chip\" meant a piece of wood,\r\n* \"hardware\" was found in a hardware store and\r\n* \"software\" wasn't even a word.\r\n\r\nAnd we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us \"old and confused\" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?\r\n\r\nThe woman would probably be around 58!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13502,
"title": "This May Not be a Joke, But It's Interesting"
},
{
"body": "LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: \"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!\"\r\n\r\nALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: \"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?\"\r\n\r\nGEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: \"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!\"\r\n\r\nJONAH'S MOTHER: \"That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days.\"\r\n\r\nSUPERMAN'S MOTHER: \"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so \r\nmuch time in all those phone booths?\"\r\n\r\nTHOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: \"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13506,
"title": "Quotes From Famous Mothers I"
},
{
"body": "PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: \"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!\"\r\n\r\nMARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: \"I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?\"\r\n\r\nMONA LISA'S MOTHER: \"After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?\"\r\n\r\nHUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: \"Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!\"\r\n\r\nCOLUMBUS' MOTHER: \"I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!\"\r\n\r\nBABE RUTH'S MOTHER: \"Babe, how many times have I told you - quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!\"\r\n\r\nMICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: \"Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13507,
"title": "Quotes From Famous Mothers II"
},
{
"body": "NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: \"All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!\"\r\n\r\nCUSTER'S MOTHER: \"Now, George, remember what I told you - don't go biting off more than you can chew!\"\r\n\r\nABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: \"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?\"\r\n\r\nBARNEY'S MOTHER: \"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple.\"\r\n\r\nMARY'S MOTHER: \"I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.\"\r\n\r\nBATMAN'S MOTHER: \"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?\"\r\n\r\nGOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: \"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13508,
"title": "Quotes From Famous Mothers III"
},
{
"body": "In his legal practice, Abraham Lincoln was never greedy for fees and discouraged unnecessary litigation. A man came to him in a passion, asking him to bring a suit for $2.50 against an impoverished debtor.\r\nLincoln tried to dissuade him, but the man was determined upon revenge.\r\nWhen he saw that the creditor was not to be put off, Lincoln asked for and got $10 as his legal fee. He gave half of this to the defendant, who thereupon willingly confessed to the debt and paid up the $2.50, thus settling the matter to the entire satisfaction of the irate plaintiff.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 13510,
"title": "So, Who Won?"
},
{
"body": "Once, a barber found two MIT students wanting to buy his barber pole. They offered a good price for it, so the barber sold it to them. So - these two guys drove around all day in a pickup truck carrying the barber pole. They kept getting stopped by the police, who were sure they had stolen the pole. But each time, the students referred back to the barber they had bought the pole from. So finally, an APB went out all over Boston, saying that if police saw two students driving around with a barber pole, they should leave them alone.\r\nThe next day, every single barber pole in Boston was missing.",
"category": "College",
"id": 13511,
"title": "A Close Shave"
},
{
"body": "In my college dorm we had one of those irritating type guys who was born with more money than most of us could ever dream of earning, and naturally we resented his Porsche, his boat, and the women who hung all over same. The guy went out of his way to remind us all about his money, car, and especially the women. Most of us were 2 and 3 to a dorm room, but he had a room all to himself at the end of the hall in the dorm.\r\nSo........ when he took off for an extended weekend, a bunch of us theatre department freaks went to his door, removed the doorknob, plastered over the entire wall at the end of the hall, nailed up new wood molding, painted the entire hallway a new color and changed all the remaining door numbers. When our \"target\" returned, his room had simply vanished!",
"category": "College",
"id": 13512,
"title": "Where'd It Go?"
},
{
"body": "Here's the background:\r\nBill works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of CSUC; Chuck is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes, according to Bill, this actually happened. (Chuck is telling the story).\r\nHer: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.\r\nMe: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?\r\nHer: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.\r\nMe: Is there more milk or coffee?\r\nHer: Oh, definitely more coffee.\r\nMe: So that's a coffee with some extra milk.\r\nHer: Just the usual amount of milk.\r\nMe: A coffee with milk.\r\nHer: Yes.\r\nMe: Anything else?\r\nHer: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?\r\nMe: We do have decaf.\r\nHer: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.\r\nMe: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.\r\nHer: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?\r\nMe: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.\r\nHer: Yes, it does.\r\nMe: Not that I know of. Where do you get your milk?\r\nHer: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine.\r\nMe: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we get the decaf milk. No problem - we have only decaf milk. Anything else?\r\nHer: Do you have any bagels?\r\nBill: (who has been listening all along): I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels.\r\nHer: Well, what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)\r\nBill: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.\r\nHer: I guess I'll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards?\r\nMe: No ma'am, cash only.\r\nHer: What about Visa?\r\nMe: Is that a credit card?\r\nHer: Well, yes.\r\nBill: Is it cash?\r\nHer: No.\r\nBill: Then no, we can't take it.\r\nHer: What about checks?\r\nMe: Cash, ma'am, nothing else.\r\nHer: O.K. How much is that?\r\nBill: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.\r\nHer: Really?\r\nBill: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself.\r\nHer: O.K. (proceeds to write a check)\r\nBill: Please leave.\r\nHer: Why?\r\nBill: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.\r\nHer: But what about my coffee?\r\nBill: Leave and never return.\r\nShe leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. In cash. Seriously.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13513,
"title": "Tale Of The Sandwich Trailer"
},
{
"body": "Why isn't God helping us? Some people ask this question. Well, here's an answer.\r\n\r\n Billy Graham's daughter was being interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her \"How could God let something like this happen?\" Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response.\r\n\r\n She said \"I believe that God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman that He is, I believe that He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand that He leave us alone?\"\r\n\r\n I know there's been a lot of emails going around in regards to 9/11/01, but this really makes you think. If you don't have time, at least skim through it, but the bottom line is something to think about.... in light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc.\r\n\r\n Let's see, I think it started when Madeline Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body was found recently) complained she didn't want any prayer in our schools, and we said OK.\r\n\r\n Then, someone said you better not read the Bible in school... the Bible that says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said, OK.\r\n\r\n Then, Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide), and we said, an expert should know what he's talking about so we said OK.\r\n\r\n Then, someone said teachers and principals better not discipline our children when they misbehave. And the school administrators said no faculty member in this school better touch a student when they misbehave because we don't want any bad publicity, and we surely don't want to be sued (There's a big difference between disciplining and touching, beating, smacking, humiliating, kicking, etc.) And we said, OK.\r\n\r\n Then someone said, let's let our daughters have abortions if they want, and they won't even have to tell their parents. And we said, OK.\r\n\r\n Then some school board member said, since boys will be boys and they're going to do it anyway, let's give our sons all the condoms they want, so they can have all the fun they desire, and we won't have to tell their parents they got them at school. And we said, OK.\r\n\r\n Then some of our top elected officials said it doesn't matter what we do in private as long as we do our jobs. And agreeing with them, we said it doesn't matter to me what anyone, including the President, does in private as long as I have a job and the economy is good.\r\n\r\n And then someone said let's print magazines with pictures of nude women and call it wholesome, down-to-earth appreciation for the beauty of the female body. And we said, OK.\r\n\r\n And then someone else took that appreciation a step further and published pictures of nude children and then stepped further still by making them available on the internet. And we said OK, they're entitled to their free speech.\r\n\r\n And then the entertainment industry said, let's make TV shows and movies that promote profanity, violence, and illicit sex. And let's record music that encourages rape, drugs, murder, suicide, and satanic themes. And we said it's just entertainment, it has no adverse effect, and nobody takes it seriously anyway, so go right ahead.\r\nNow we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.\r\n\r\n Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with \"WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.\"\r\n\r\n \"Dear God, Why didn't you save the little girl killed in her classroom?\" Sincerely, Concerned Student... AND THE REPLY \"Dear Concerned Student, I am not allowed in schools\". Sincerely, God.\r\n\r\n Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.\r\n\r\n Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says.\r\n\r\n Funny how someone can say \"I believe in God\" but still follow Satan who, by the way, also \"believes\" in God. \r\n\r\n Funny how we are quick to judge but not to be judged. \r\n\r\n Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.\r\n\r\n Funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but the public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace. Funny how someone can be so fired up for worship once a week, but be invisible to their religion the rest of the week.\r\n\r\n Are you laughing?\r\n\r\n Funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them. Funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.\r\n\r\n Are you thinking?",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13519,
"title": "Why Isn't God Helping Us?"
},
{
"body": "Pythagorean Theorem - 24 words.\r\nLord's Prayer - 66 words.\r\nArchimedes' Principle - 67 words.\r\n10 Commandments - 179 words.\r\nGettysburg Address - 286 words.\r\nDeclaration of Independence - 1,300 words.\r\n\r\nUS Government regulations on the sale of cabbage -\r\n\r\n26,911 words.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 13520,
"title": "Says It All!"
},
{
"body": "A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.\r\n\"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?\" he said. \"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.\"\r\n\"You're on, old man,\" the braggart replied. \"It's a bet! Let's see what you've got.\" \r\nMorris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles, then, nodding to the young man, he said, \"All right. Get in.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13521,
"title": "Strength Vs. Age"
},
{
"body": "Signs That Were Found In Peoples' Kitchens: \r\n\r\nA messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.\r\nNo husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.\r\nA husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.\r\nThou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.\r\nA clean house is a sign of a misspent life.\r\nHelp keep the kitchen clean - eat out.\r\nHousework done properly can kill you.\r\nCountless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13522,
"title": "Signs Of The Times"
},
{
"body": "Kid's Instructions on Life...\r\n\"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.\" - Rocky, age 9\r\n\"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.\" - Stephanie, age 8\r\n\"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower.\" - Lamar, age 10\r\n\"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes.\" - Carrol, age 9\r\n\"Don't ever be too full for dessert.\" - Kelly, age 10\r\n\"Never spit when on a roller coaster.\" - Scott, age 11\r\n\"Never do pranks at a police station.\" - Sam, age 10\r\n\"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.\" - Rob, age 10\r\n\"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.\" - Hank, age 12\r\n\"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.\" - Molly, age 11\r\n\"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.\" - Chelsey, age 7\r\n\"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.\" - Phillip, age 13\r\n\"Forget the cake, go for the icing.\" - Cynthia, age 8\r\n\"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house.\" - Joanne, age 11\r\n\"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.\" - Matthew, age 12",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13523,
"title": "What Children Say IV"
},
{
"body": "A recent survey shows that 95% of men admit to pleasuring themselves sexually... and that the remaining 5% are liars!!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13526,
"title": "Survey"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?\r\n\r\nA man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13527,
"title": "What's the Difference?"
},
{
"body": "Little Susie was watching her father, a pastor, write a sermon.\r\n\r\n\"How do you know what to say?\" she asked.\r\n\r\n\"Why, God tells me.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13529,
"title": "Silly Susie"
},
{
"body": "There was a question in our company newsletter asking about whether they could water the flowers in the bathroom since they were looking wilted and sick. The response was, \"The flowers are artificial.\"\r\n[Editor's note: Evidently some employees created a rest room gas cloud powerful enough to wilt artificial plants. You have to admire that on some level]",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13530,
"title": "Powerful Gas"
},
{
"body": "Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The parish priest ran into him one day totally inebriated, attempting to stumble home, and gave him a strong lecture against drinking.\r\n\r\nThe good father was able to convince Paddy that, \"If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse.\"\r\n\r\nThis frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and could not get that thought out of his mind. He couldn't sleep for a week worrying about the priest's threat and finally said to his wife, \"Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 13531,
"title": "Irishman"
},
{
"body": "One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the\r\nturkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.\r\n \r\nWhen it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.\r\n \r\nWith a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,\r\n\"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!\" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.\r\n \r\nIt took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!\r\n \r\n Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13532,
"title": "Thanksgiving"
},
{
"body": "1. CADDY -- 2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.\r\n2. CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again.\r\n3. DOUBLE BOGIE -- \"Casablanca\" followed by \"African Queen.\"\r\n4. FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.\r\n5. GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license.\r\n6. GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.\r\n7. HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose.\r\n8. IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.\r\n9. ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.\r\n10. SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.\r\n11. SLICE -- \"No thanks. . .just a sliver.\"\r\n12. TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.\r\n13. WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.\r\n14. WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 13534,
"title": "Female Golf Terms"
},
{
"body": "New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates. com!\r\nThere's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.\r\n \r\nNew Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?\r\n \r\nNew Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastard.\r\n \r\nNew Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.\r\n \r\nNew Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.\r\n \r\nNew Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the dope. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a \"decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,\" Oooh, you're a huge dope.\r\n \r\nNew Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to \"beef with broccoli.\" The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.\r\n \r\nNew Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called \"The Howard Stern Show.\"\r\n \r\nNew Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.\r\n \r\nNew Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.\r\n \r\nNew Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the adult version of looting.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13535,
"title": "New Rules"
},
{
"body": "The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and the family included Senators and Wall Street Wizards. The family decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.\r\nSo the family hired a fine author to put together all their research notes, only a problem arose - how to handle Great Uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said not to worry, for he could handle the story tactfully. \r\nSo the book appeared and it said...\r\n\"Great Uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution. He was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13538,
"title": "Family History"
},
{
"body": "A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: \"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?\"\r\n\r\nThe shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, \"Sure!\"\r\n\r\nThe yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: \"You have here exactly 1586 sheep!\"\r\n\r\n\"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep,\" says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his Cherokee.\r\n\r\nThen he says: \"If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?\"\r\n\r\n\"OK, why not?\" answers the young man.\r\n\r\n\"You are a consultant,\" says the shepherd.\r\n\r\n\"This is correct,\" says the yuppie, \"How did you guess that?\"\r\n\r\n\"Easy,\" answers the shepherd. \"You turn up here, although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to; and you don't know @$#% about my business because you took my dog.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13540,
"title": "The Shepherd..."
},
{
"body": "\"Operator? I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.\"\r\n\r\n\"I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes. That's what it says on the label - 'Woven in Scotland'.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13541,
"title": "Operator?"
},
{
"body": "Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Gates of Heaven.\r\nSt. Peter said,\"I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What do you pick to be?\" The first priest says, \"I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains.\"\r\n\"So be it,\" says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks,\"Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?\"\r\n\"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing.\"\r\n\"In that case,\" says the second priest, \"I've always wanted to be a stud.\"\r\n\"So be it,\" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.\r\nA week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. \"Will you have any trouble locating them?\" He asks.\r\n\"The first one should be easy,\" says St. Peter. \"He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.\"\r\n\"Why?\" asketh the Lord.\r\n\"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13543,
"title": "Two Priests"
},
{
"body": "A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:\r\n\"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.\"\r\n\"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?\"\r\n\"You're coming empty handed?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13544,
"title": "Visiting Grandma..."
},
{
"body": "A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.\r\n\"We need a fourth for poker,\" said the friend.\r\n\"I'll be right over,\" whispered the doctor.\r\nAs he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, \"Is it serious?\"\r\n\"Oh yes, quite serious,\" said the doctor gravely. \"In fact, three doctors are there already!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 13545,
"title": "Doctor's Poker Game..."
},
{
"body": "THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE:\r\n1. Wear a top hat and make sure you sit in front of kids.\r\n2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, \"It's snowing!\"\r\n3. Go, \"Oooooh...\" whenever anyone kisses.\r\n4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.\r\n5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, \"Ahhh...\"\r\n6. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juicy Fruits for your asthma.\r\n7. During the previews, yell, \"Can you fast-forward it?\"\r\n8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devoius, say, \"Watch out!\"\r\n9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.\r\n10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls bathroom is flooding.\r\n11. Yell out what is going to happen.\r\n12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.\r\n13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, \"I'm Batman! Ha ha ha\" and run away.\r\n14. Yell, \"Fire\" and moon the people coming through the exit.\r\n15. When people sit next to you star crying and scream \"NOOOOO! You killed *insert random name here*!!!\" and don't stop yelling \"MURDERER!\" until they move.\r\n16. Yell out loud, \"Stop molesting me\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13546,
"title": "16 Things to Do in a Boring Movie."
},
{
"body": "Real friends are those who, when you think you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13547,
"title": "Real Friends"
},
{
"body": "\"Transportation in the Middle Ages\" by Orson Cart.\r\n\r\n\"Growing up in the Balkans\" by Hugo Slavia.\r\n\r\n\"The Outboard Motor Died\" by Rhoda Shaw.\r\n\r\n\"Answering the Questions of the Universe\" by Howard I. Know.\r\n\r\n\"Our Son, Russell, the Chef\" by Mr. & Mrs. Upsumgrub.\r\n\r\n\"How to Write a Mystery Novel\" by Paige Turner.\r\n\r\n\"The Great English Breakfast\" by Chris P. Bacon.\r\n\r\n\"Vacation Spots in the Tropics\" by Sandy Beech.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13548,
"title": "The Latest Best-Seller List"
},
{
"body": "Tips for calling a business that has an answering service. When you get the answering service, please remember these vital tips.\r\n\r\n\r\n1) When you call a lockout company, make sure you give the operator the telephone number on your account. It's considered proper procedure for the locksmith to drive to the office to look up an alternate number where you'll be at, and then drive to you. I believe it's quicker that way too.\r\n\r\n2) After giving your last name to the operator on the line, and they ask for your first, It's ok to just say Mr or Mrs. Your voice can be deceiving as some people just may not have hit puberty by age 45. \r\n\r\n3) If you're calling your apartment complex because your toilet is overflowing and you cant shut the water off, please go and get some coffee. The maintenance people dont need you at home to get inside. that's what they make credit cards for.\r\n\r\n4) If it's July, and your a/c hasnt worked for 2 months, please call at 2am. Our service reps are just switching shifts and the new shift will be nice and rested to drive to the edge of the boondocks for you.\r\n\r\n5) If you just happen to be a nurse, and you're calling for a doctor that's new to the hospital, dont worry about what extention ICU is. He's a doctor and he's memorized all of the hospital's codes for every city before he graduates medschool. He remembers best when its 2 am.\r\n\r\n6) No, sir, i'm sorry. A/C technicians don't make house calls. Please bring your outside Heating and Air Conditioning unit into the shop to get repaired.\r\n\r\nAnd the final tip is...\r\n\r\nIf you're a patient and you're calling your doctor afterhours because the medication he's prescribed for you isnt working properly, please let the operator on the line know your whole medical history. The more they know, the better they can help you! (everyone else calling can wait!!!)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13551,
"title": "Tips For Calling an Answering Service"
},
{
"body": "Little Willy was a chemist;\r\nLittle Willy is no more - \r\nFor what he thought was H2O, \r\nWas H2SO4.\r\n\r\nLittle Willy played with dynamite,\r\nCouldn't understand it quite.\r\nCuriosity never pays,\r\nIt rained Willy seven days.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13552,
"title": "Little Willy"
},
{
"body": "Ben and Zero are talking when Ben says, \"Hey, Zero, if you can tear this piece of paper in half, I'll give you a quarter.\" Zero then proceeds to tear the paper in half. Ben takes one of the halves, tears it in half, and gives it to Zero, saying, \"Here's your quarter!\"\r\n\r\nZero wanders off, saying how neat that is and wouldn't it be great to find someone else to pull this on.\r\n\r\nHe meets Tommy, and says, \"If you can tear this piece of paper in half, I'll give you 25 cents...\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13553,
"title": "Get the Quarterback!"
},
{
"body": "If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -the next time he's in need.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13554,
"title": "A Friend"
},
{
"body": "A little boy is adopted from Korea and is flown to the USA to meet his new parents. A few years later the parents decide to adopt again on the way to the airport the little boy sees planes coming in to land. He says to his mother, \"Look at all the babies being born.\" \r\n(he thinks all babies come on air planes Ha Ha)",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13556,
"title": "Children Say Amazing Things"
},
{
"body": "A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. \r\n\r\nThe wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. \r\n\r\nShe puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. \r\n\r\nWhen they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, \"Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, yes,\" the doctor replies, \"but never framed.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13559,
"title": "Toilet Seat"
},
{
"body": "Seen on rear mud-flaps of a large truck\r\n\r\nleft mud-flap\t\tright mud-flap\r\n\r\nPassing Side\t\tSuicide\r\n \t\t \r\n/ ------ \t\t------ \\\r\n\\ ------ \t\t------ /\r\n \t\t \r\nEl Paso\t\t\tEl Cruncho",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13563,
"title": "On a Truck's Mudflaps"
},
{
"body": "A large two-engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. \"No problem,\" the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.\r\n\r\nFarther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.\r\n\r\nThe engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:\r\n\r\n\"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13564,
"title": "Take The Train"
},
{
"body": "A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car.\r\n\r\nBeing a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, \"Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.\"\r\n\r\nThe crowd made way for him.\r\n\r\nLying in front of the car was a donkey.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13565,
"title": "Let Me Through!"
},
{
"body": "A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he.\r\n\r\nOn the way to the cleaning shed, he met a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.\r\n\r\nThe second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, \"Only caught one, eh?\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 13566,
"title": "The Fisherman's Tail"
},
{
"body": "After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, the interviewer described the person to his boss as rather monosyllabic.\r\n\r\nThe boss said, \"Really? Where is Monosyllabia?\"\r\n\r\nThinking that his boss was just kidding, he played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia.\r\n\r\nHe replied, \"Oh, you mean over by Croatia?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13567,
"title": "We're The Ellawi"
},
{
"body": "El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries.\r\n\r\nA freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm and sank 65 times.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13568,
"title": "The Ups & Downs of Business"
},
{
"body": "When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.\r\n\r\nThe judge was delighted. \"Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court. Now please sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 13569,
"title": "Revenge!"
},
{
"body": "A truck driver was going south on I-75, when he came upon a weight station.\r\nWhen he pulled in and got on the scales to be weighed, the scale master told the driver that he was 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver replied, \"I can take care or that.\" The scale master asked he how could he fix the problem? The driver said, \"Let me go around back, and I'll fix the overweight problem.\"\r\nThe scale master agreed to let him fix his problem. About half an hour later the truck driver got back on the scales, and the scale master said, \"Driver, you are still 900lbs. over weight.\" The truck driver said, \"I don't understand what went wrong. I let 50lbs. out of each tire on the rig.\" After thinking the problem over the scale master said, \"Well, 18 tires times 50lbs. would equal 900lbs. I guess my scales must be wrong. I'm sorry driver, you may continue on down the road, and have a nice day.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13571,
"title": "Meant For Each Other..."
},
{
"body": "My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.\r\n\r\nTheir Disney password was \"GoofyMickeyMinniePluto\" and I asked why it was so long.\r\n\r\n\"Because,\" my son explained, \"they said it had to have at least four characters.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13572,
"title": "The Internet..."
},
{
"body": "I joined a health club last year, spent about $400, and haven't lost a pound. \r\n\r\nApparently, you have to show up.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 13573,
"title": "The Health Club"
},
{
"body": "It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. \"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!\"\r\nThe crowd went wild, shouting \"Hoya! Hoya!\"\r\nThe politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. \"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!\" \"Hoya! Hoya!\" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.\r\n\"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!\" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting \"Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!\"\r\nAfter the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.\r\n\"Sure,\" the Chief said, \"but be careful not to step in the hoya.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 13574,
"title": "Hoya!"
},
{
"body": "Did you ever watch the Food Network?\r\n\r\nYa, they cook stuff that you won't even think about cooking,\r\nand afterwards you don't even bother to even remember it.\r\n\r\nPeople just sit at home and drool... It's like porno for \r\nfat people.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13575,
"title": "Food Network"
},
{
"body": "Why do cats raise their tails when you stroke their backs? \r\n\r\nTo let you know you've reached the end of the cat.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13578,
"title": "How Long is a Cat?"
},
{
"body": "There was once a very smart horse.\r\n\r\nAnything that was shown him, he mastered easily, until one day, his teachers tried to teach him about rectangular coordinates and he couldn't understand them. All the horse's acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn't.\r\n\r\nThen a new guy looked at the problem and said, \"Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the horse!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13579,
"title": "The Smart Horse"
},
{
"body": "Fe Fe Fe \r\n\\ | / \r\nFe --*-- Fe \r\n/ | \\ \r\nFe Fe Fe \r\nA ferris wheel",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13580,
"title": "Eye On"
},
{
"body": "A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, \"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.\" \r\n\"Oh Dear!\" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. \"But... what happened to your other ear?\" \r\n\"The son of a bitch called back.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13581,
"title": "Red Ears"
},
{
"body": "Of a swimmer\r\n \r\nSaw four sharks,\r\nOff the coast.\r\nThree he missed,\r\nOne almost.\r\n\r\nTight Rope Walker\r\n\r\nUsed no net,\r\nKnew no fear.\r\nMade mis-step,\r\nWound up here.\r\n\r\nNovice farmer\r\n\r\nHere lies Clyde,\r\nWhose life was full.\r\nUntil he tried,\r\nTo milk a bull.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13582,
"title": "Last Words IV"
},
{
"body": "A blonde bought a new car that has a computer which can fix the car when anything happens.\r\nSo she went and blew the engine and the computer said, \"In the name of the manufacturer, get fixed,\" and it was fixed.\r\nThen she broke the window and the computer said, \"In the name of the manufacturer, get fixed,\" and it was fixed.\r\nThen she said to herself \"It's time for the ultimate test,\" and she jumped from the bridge and the computer said, \"In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13584,
"title": "New Computerized Car"
},
{
"body": "JCPenny blowdryer: do not use while sleeping\r\n**********\r\ncaution: hot chocolate may be hot\r\n**********",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13586,
"title": "Warnings"
},
{
"body": "Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure his wife's away!\r\n\r\nBoyfriend: I'm going to buy us some condoms.\r\nGirlfriend: Why? You can't fit all that in one!\r\nBoyfriend: You barely fit in a bra!\r\n\r\nWant to hear two short jokes and a long joke?\r\nA 2-year old boy, a 12-year old boy, and a 26-year old boy.\r\n\r\nDo you know which one I want to have?\r\nThe 26-year old for nothing but length.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13588,
"title": "Short and Funny"
},
{
"body": "Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.\r\nThe first mouse slams a shot and says, \"I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.\" And with that he slams another shot.\r\n\r\nThe second mouse slams a shot and says, \"That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it.\"\r\n\r\nAnd with that he slams another shot.\r\n\r\nThe third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, \"Where the hell are you going?\"\r\n\r\nThe third mouse stops and replies, \"I'm going home to fuck the cat!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13598,
"title": "3 Mice"
},
{
"body": "How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nNone. With all the technology that they have, its a wonder that they still use lightbulbs.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 13602,
"title": "Scientist"
},
{
"body": "A pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.\r\n\r\nEveryone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, \"You're terrific!!!\r\n\r\nSign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.\" \"Forget the bonus,\" the turkey said, \"All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13603,
"title": "Turkey Football"
},
{
"body": "A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.\r\n\r\nWhen they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, \"What happened to the other five condoms?\"\r\n\r\nHis nervous reply was, \"Er, I masturbated with them.\"\r\n\r\nLater, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, \"Have you ever done that?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yeah, once or twice,\" he told her.\r\n\r\n\"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?\" she asked.\r\n\r\n\"Oh,\" he said, \"I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13609,
"title": "Missing Condom"
},
{
"body": "A car breaks down along the highway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in long black trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to all the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups. When the police questioned him why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, \"I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13610,
"title": "Flashers"
},
{
"body": "Two kids were bragging about the toys they owned. One of them said, \"This is Action Man! He's been in Viet Nam, Operation Desert Storm, Iraq - and the vacuum cleaner twice!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13616,
"title": "Toys"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat she needs a boomerang to put on her belt",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13620,
"title": "Bomerang"
},
{
"body": "Two lawyers are leaving the office. \"I can't wait to get home,\" says one of them. \"As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off.\"\r\n\r\n\"I know the feeling,\" the other says.\r\n\r\n\"No, I'm serious,\" says the first. \"They're killing me.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13622,
"title": "Women's Underwear"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma smells so bad that she made an onion cry!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13627,
"title": "Yo Momma Smells So Bad"
},
{
"body": "Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. \r\n\r\nThe psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. \r\n\r\nNothing seemed to work. \r\n\r\nFinally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. \r\n\r\n\"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?\" the doctor asked. \r\n\r\n\"Yes, I do,\" the patient replied. \r\n\r\n\"Very well, then,\" the doctor said. \r\n\r\nHe took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. \r\n\r\nThe doctor asked, \"What does that tell you?\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh my goodness!\" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... \"Dead men do bleed!!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 13628,
"title": "A Deep Rooted Delusion"
},
{
"body": "Little Bobby had been searching through a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, \"Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend? An anniversary, or a congratulations to your mom and dad?\"\r\n\r\nLittle Bobby shook his head and answered, \"No. Er...got any blank report cards?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13632,
"title": "The Blank Look"
},
{
"body": "What do u call 1 Paki on the moon? \r\nAnswer: A problem\r\n\r\nWhat do u call 10 Paki's on the moon? \r\nAnswer: A problem\r\n\r\nWhat do u call 100 Paki's on the moon? \r\nAnswer: A problem\r\n\r\nWhat do u call all the Paki's on the moon? \r\nAnswer: Problem solved",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13634,
"title": "Pakistanis on the Moon"
},
{
"body": "A man died and went to heaven, he went to the golden gates, and saw God. He didn't know who God was, so he took one look and said, \"My god, Who the hell are you?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13637,
"title": "The Way Up There"
},
{
"body": "Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends. See owned a saw and Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See saw Soar's seesaw, then See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. But See saw Soar and Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See's saw, so See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. It was a shame to let See see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13641,
"title": "Mr. See and Mr. Soar"
},
{
"body": "One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels. \r\n\r\n\"Tie me up,\" she purred, \"and you can do anything you want.\" \r\n\r\nSo, he tied her up and went golfing.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13643,
"title": "Anything You Want"
},
{
"body": "A ninety-year-old man living in a rest home was granted a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar, sat at the end, and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar, and told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady, and they went to her apartment, where they got stinky and wrinkly. \r\n\r\nFour days later, the old man noticed that he had developed a drip, and headed to the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, \"Sure!\" \r\n\r\nThe doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. \r\n\r\n\"Sure, why?\" asked the old man. \r\n\r\n\"Well you'd better get over there,\" replied the doctor, \"You're about to come!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13645,
"title": "Old Timer Loving"
},
{
"body": "A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. \r\n\r\nShe asks him why he is staring. \r\n\r\nHe replies: \"I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you\". \r\n\r\nShe answers, \"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.\" \r\n\r\nShe responds, \"Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic.\" \r\n\r\nThe cab driver is very excited and says, \"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!\" \r\n\r\n\"OK\" the nun says. \"Pull into the next alley. Maybe we will see what we can do.\" \r\n\r\nThe nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. \r\n\r\n\"My dear child,\" said the nun, why are you crying?\" \r\n\r\n\"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.\" \r\n\r\nThe nun says, \"That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13646,
"title": "Nun Kiss"
},
{
"body": "A guy asks a young blonde woman he's just slept with, \"Am I the first guy you ever made love to?\" \r\n\r\nThe blonde ashes out her cigarette and replies, \"You might be. Your face looks familiar.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13649,
"title": "1st Time"
},
{
"body": "A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! \"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!\" \r\n\r\nThe clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, \"What's wrong?\" \r\n\r\nShe explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, \"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!\" \r\n\r\nIn shock, the store manager pleads, \"Ma'am, why are you saying that?\" In a huff, the woman says, \"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13653,
"title": "Walmart Refund"
},
{
"body": "At the zoo a little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Her mom hurriedly explains, \"Oh...they're just baking cakes.\" \r\n\r\nThe next morning the little girl says, \"Mommy, Mommy, you and Daddy baked cakes last night!\" \r\n\r\n\"Um, what makes you think that?\" the mother asks nervously. \r\n\r\n\"Because this morning there was icing all over the couch.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13655,
"title": "Baking Cakes"
},
{
"body": "\"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman.\" \r\n\r\nThe priest sighs. \"Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, Father, 'tis I.\" \r\n\r\n\"And who might be the woman you were with?\" \r\n\r\n\"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?\" \r\n\r\n\"I cannot say.\" \r\n\r\n\"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?\" \r\n\r\n\"I'll never tell.\" \r\n\r\n\"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her.\" \r\n\r\n\"Was it Cathy O'Dell?\" \r\n\r\n\"My lips are sealed.\" \r\n\r\n\"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?\" \r\n\r\n\"Please, Father, I cannot tell you.\" \r\n\r\nThe priest sighs in frustration. \"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O' Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.\" \r\n\r\nTommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, \"What'd you get?\" \r\n\r\n\"Five more good leads!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13658,
"title": "Loose Church Women"
},
{
"body": "Cock-a-doodle-doo, it's time for chicken,\r\nCock-a-doodle-doo, it's time for a feast,\r\nEat a ninety-piece bucket then you can tell,\r\nHe's been to Cluckin' Bell!\r\n\r\nChicken is a bird with a tiny brain,\r\nSo we assume he doesn't feel any pain.\r\nWe shrink their heads and we breed 'em fast;\r\nSix wings, forty breasts and then they're gassed.\r\n\r\nCock-a-doodle-doo we're psychotic crazies,\r\nCock-a-doodle-doo factory farming's insane.\r\nWe denied it all before our stock price fell,\r\nCome down to Cluckin' Bell!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13663,
"title": "Cluckinbell"
},
{
"body": "My American History teacher was giving a lecture about the first three presidents. A lot of people in my class can't remember presidents very well.\r\n\r\n\"You all are brainwashed,\" he said.\r\n\r\nOf course, there was confusion in the room at this comment.\r\n\r\n\"Let me demonstrate,\" he continued, \"'I'm Cuckoo for...'\"\r\n\r\n\"Cocoa Puffs!\" the class replied.\r\n\r\n\"You don't know the ninth president of the United States, but you know that you are 'Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.'\"\r\n\r\nThen, this one guy in my class said, \"If the presidents were finger-lickin' good, we'd remember 'em.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 13664,
"title": "How to Remember the Presidents"
},
{
"body": "A bag of Cheetos has a contest. It says \"No Purchase neccesary\" but the code is on the inside...",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13667,
"title": "Stuipd Lines"
},
{
"body": "Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.\r\n\r\n\"Quick, man,\" he whispered to the waiter, \"what did they say?\"\r\n\r\n\"Nothing,\" replied the waiter. \"They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 13670,
"title": "Another Miracle!"
},
{
"body": "So I was out camping and my glasses had broken the day before, so I couldn't wear them. Without my glasses, I can't see anything past 10 feet in front of my face. So I was out camping (W/out glasses) and I go to use the bathroom, and I walk into the wrong one, (and two cute girls were outside picking berries) and I come out and they start to laugh. I found out about two hours later that I walked into the wrong bathroom.\r\n\r\nAn hour and a half later, i was eating a late lunch/early dinner, and I go to use the bathroom, at this local Texmex resturant, and the bathroom was outside, and I walked into the wrong one again. It was really embarrassing.\r\n\r\nPS, I'm not blonde, just on the inside.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13672,
"title": "Wrong Bathroom"
},
{
"body": "There was once an old woman living in a cottage. Her husband had died three years ago. Suddenly, the phone rang. She picked it up and a deep voice boomed: \"I am the vindow viper and I'm coming into your town.\" She put the phone down, thinking it was some boys playing a prank on her.\r\n\r\nAbout half an hour later the phone rang again. She picked it up and the deep voice bellowed: \"I am the vindow viper and I'm coming down your road.\" Again, the woman put the phone down, thinking that the boys were very determined.\r\n\r\nAround a minute later, the phone rang again. She sighed and picked up the phone. Again, the deeep voice boomed: \"I am the vindow viper and I'm just outside your door!\" She put the phone down and the doorbell rang. She opened the door and there was an old man standing there. She said: \"Who are you?\"\r\n\r\nHe said: \"I am the vindow viper and I've come to vipe your vindows!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13673,
"title": "Halloween...?!?!"
},
{
"body": "1. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm.\r\n\r\n2. Your dad is some sort of engineer.\r\n\r\n3. Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15.\r\n\r\n4. You ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing.\r\n\r\n5. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry.\r\n\r\n6. You shop 99 ranch.\r\n\r\n7. Everyone thinks you're \"Chinese\" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from.\r\n\r\n8. You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life.\r\n\r\n9. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.\r\n\r\n10. You've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest, or library.\r\n\r\n11. Your parents say, \"Don't forget your heritage\".\r\n\r\n12. You drive mostly Japanese cars..\r\n\r\n13. You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.\r\n\r\n14. You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs.\r\n\r\n15. At least once, you've started a joke with \"Confucius say....\"\r\n\r\n16. You know what bok choy is.\r\n\r\n17. You've gotten little red envelopes around February.\r\n\r\n18. Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back, and closet doors.\r\n\r\n19. You hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you (e.g. Jean - ee - yah! or Mary - yah!).\r\n\r\n20. You have no eyelashes.\r\n\r\n21. Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc....\r\n\r\n22. Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.\r\n\r\n23. The Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii) was last night's dinner.\r\n\r\n24. Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher.\r\n\r\n25. At least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses.\r\n\r\n26. Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, \"In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more.\"\r\n\r\n27. Your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian.\r\n\r\n28. An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: \"Is that your mother?\" Well then, \"Is it your sister?\".\r\n\r\n29. Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both.\r\n\r\n30. Your parents say, \"Calculus? I took Calculus in 8th grade!\".\r\n\r\n31. Everyone thinks you're good at math.\r\n\r\n32. Your parents' vocabulary is filled with \"ai-yahs, and Wah's\".\r\n\r\n33. You like $1.75 movies.\r\n\r\n34. You like $1.50 movies even more.\r\n\r\n35. Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks, and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange, and the ever popular lime green.\r\n\r\n36. Your parents insist you marry within your race.\r\n\r\n37. You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation of oriental food.\r\n\r\n38. You either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it.\r\n\r\n39. Your parents have never kissed you.\r\n\r\n40. Your parents have never kissed each other.\r\n\r\n41. You learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents.\r\n\r\n42. \"You want a stereo?! When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!\".\r\n\r\n43. People see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate.\r\n\r\n44. You have to call just about all your parent's friends \"Auntie and Uncle\".\r\n\r\n45. You have 12+ aunts and uncles.\r\n\r\n46. At expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert.\r\n\r\n47. Your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say \"Eat anyway. It's still good.\"\r\n\r\n48. The vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses.\r\n\r\n49. You will most likely be taller than your parents.\r\n\r\n50. Your parents have either make you play the piano, the violin, or both.\r\n\r\n51. You get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't.\r\n\r\n52. When going to other people's houses, you always have to bring a gift.\r\n\r\n53. Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top.\r\n\r\n54. Your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both.\r\n\r\n55. Your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e. Michael Chan).\r\n\r\n56. The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations, or any of the rest of the furniture.\r\n\r\n57. You have rocks, sticks, leaves, and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine.\r\n\r\n58. You own a rice cooker or two.\r\n\r\n59. You buy soy sauce by the gallon.\r\n\r\n60. Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.\r\n\r\n61. Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going.\r\n\r\n62. Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can \"grow into it\" and wear it for years to come.\r\n\r\n63. Your dad complains about his car being unreliable even though it has only broken once, or never at all...\r\n\r\n64. Your parents always buy in bulk.... Always.\r\n\r\n65. Your mother has a strange obsession with plants. \r\n\r\n66. Your mom reads books while eating any meal of the day.\r\n\r\n67. Your mom drinks hot water or tea 24/7.\r\n\r\n68. Your mom is obsessed with Korean or Japanese soap operas.\r\n\r\n69. A's aren't good enough for you.\r\n\r\n70. Your parents can't drive or drive really really slow, or both.\r\n\r\n71. When speaking English, you have to repeat what you just said at LEAST 3 times.\r\n\r\n72. You actually wasted about 5 minutes of your life reading this to see if this page would get even more right.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13676,
"title": "You Know You're Asian If/When..."
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so dumb, she tells you Yo Momma jokes!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13678,
"title": "Yo Momma Jokes"
},
{
"body": "You know what would be odd? Some one with a deep, dark voice calls you and says,\r\n\r\n\"I know what your phone number is...heh heh...\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13679,
"title": "Seriously"
},
{
"body": "Virgin Mobile wanted to sponsor the national team. SAFA (South African Footballing Association) refused to let it happen. They said, \"How will it look if the team has Virgin written on their shirts when they get f****d up every other weekend?\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 13680,
"title": "South African Football"
},
{
"body": "The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13681,
"title": "When Is It My Turn?"
},
{
"body": "A sandwich walked into a bar and asked for a pint.\r\n\r\nThe bartender said, \"Sorry, we don't serve food.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 13682,
"title": "A Sandwich"
},
{
"body": "If at first u dont suceed\r\nFuck the world and smoke some weed",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13684,
"title": "A Wise Lesson 4 Life"
},
{
"body": "Today I was thinking to myself, how would my life be different if I was born one day earlier.\r\n\r\nI said nothing would change except I would have asked myself that yesterday.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13686,
"title": "Thinking to Myself"
},
{
"body": "A black man dies on Halloween; he is sent to purgatory for a year. On the next Halloween, the man sees angels and God. He asked God if he is going to get wings and become an angel. God says, \"No nigga, you are going to be a bat.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 13687,
"title": "Halloween"
},
{
"body": "A college professor, an avowed atheist, was teaching his class.\r\n\r\nHe shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: \"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!\"\r\n\r\nThe lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, \"Here I am, God. I'm still waiting.\"\r\n\r\nHis countdown got down to the last couple of minutes, when a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, and hit him full force in the face and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold!\r\n\r\nAt first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.\r\n\r\nEventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak, he asked, \"What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?\"\r\n\r\n\"God was busy. He sent me.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13693,
"title": "Gods Messanger"
},
{
"body": "cluckedy fuck, place your order\r\n\r\nComment from the Editor: This is an extremely stupid joke and I would advise everyone to give it 0 smileys so that we can rid this world of stoners writing jokes!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13697,
"title": "Greetings"
},
{
"body": "One night a little boy was left alone at home for the weekend. Before leaving his mother told him, \"if you get scared put your hand under bed and let the dog lick your hand. Then you will know you are safe.\" \r\nSo during the night the little boy heard a drip drip drip sound. He got very scared and put his hand under his bed and his dog leicked his hand. He then felt better.\r\nA little later he heard the drip drip drip sound again. The boy once again put his hand under his bed and allowd his dog to lick it. He then felt safe.\r\nAbout five minutes later the little boy heard the drip drip drip sound once again. Instead of putting his hand under his bed he got up and went and looked in the bathroom. There was no noise in there, so he headed for the kitchen. Once he was in there he looked over at the sink and it wasn't dripping. So he went in the laundry room, and there was his dog hung, blood dripping drip drip drip. Makes you wonder what was licking the boy's hand.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13700,
"title": "Dog"
},
{
"body": "Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?\r\nIn case he got a hole in one!\r\n\r\nWhy did the football coach go to the bank?\r\nTo get his quarter back!\r\n\r\nWhy did Cinderella get kicked off the football team?\r\nBecause she ran away from the ball!\r\n\r\nWhy was it hot after the basketball game?\r\nBecause all the fans were gone!\r\n\r\nWhy is tennis such a noisy game?\r\nBecause everyone raises such a racket!\r\n\r\nWhat did the grape do when he got squashed?\r\nHe gave out a little whine!\r\n\r\nWhat kind of key doesn't fit into a keyhole?\r\nA keyboard key!\r\n\r\nHow do you stop meatballs from drowning?\r\nPut them in gravy boats.\r\n\r\nWhat is the demons' favorite TV sitcom?\r\nFriends.\r\n\r\nWhy are graveyards so noisy?\r\nBecause of all the coffin.\r\n\r\nWhat did the tie say to the hat?\r\nYou go on a head and I'll hang around.\r\n\r\nWhy is a river rich?\r\nBecause it has two banks.\r\n\r\nWhat do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?\r\nFrostbite.\r\n\r\nWhy do bagpipers walk when they play?\r\nThey're trying to get away from the noise.\r\n\r\nWhat has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?\r\nA pool table.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call cheese that isn't yours?\r\nNacho Cheese.\r\n\r\nWhat lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?\r\nA nervous wreck.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?\r\nQuatro sinko.\r\n\r\nWhy are there so many Smiths in the phone book?\r\nThey all have phones.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?\r\nA stick.\r\n\r\nWhat did the tie say to the hat?\r\nYou go on a head and I'll hang around.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a 18 wheeler loaded with pigs?\r\nAn 18 squeeler - Submitted by Troy, age 5\r\n\r\nWhat would you get if you crossed pasta with a snake?\r\nSpaghetti that wraps itself around a fork.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call the top of a dog house?\r\nThe Woof.\r\n\r\nWhat vegetable has rhythm?\r\nA Beet.\r\n\r\nWhat awards to the give to wonderful Grandmothers?\r\nThe Grammies.\r\n\r\nWhat kind of shirt always needs a shower?\r\nA Sweatshirt.\r\n\r\nWhat did they wear to the Boston Tea Party?\r\nT-Shirts.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13704,
"title": "Long, You Need Time 4 This 1!"
},
{
"body": "Beans, beans, good for the heart.\r\nThe more you eat, the more you fart.\r\nThe more you fart, the better you feel.\r\nSo eat some beans with every meal.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13705,
"title": "MUSICAL AIR"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so ugly, the neighborhood kids dressed up as her for Halloween.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13707,
"title": "Yo Mamma's So Ugly..."
},
{
"body": "A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home wearing only a flimsy negligee.\r\n As she walked, she would flip up her nightgown at people and say, \"Supersex!!\"\r\n She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, \"Supersex.\"\r\n He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, \"I'll take the soup.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13709,
"title": "\"Supersex\""
},
{
"body": "A man goes to school and learns stuff.",
"category": "College",
"id": 13711,
"title": "College"
},
{
"body": "The Perfect Halloween Costume \r\nA bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. \r\n\r\nA few days later he received a parcel with the following note: \r\n\r\nDear Sir, \r\nPlease find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. \r\n\r\nVery truly yours, \r\nAcme Costume Co. \r\n\r\nThe man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: \r\n\r\nDear Sir, \r\nPlease find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. \r\n\r\nVery truly yours, \r\nAcme Costume Co. \r\n\r\nNow the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel \r\nand a note, which reads: \r\n\r\nDear Sir, \r\nPlease find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. \r\n\r\nVery truly yours, \r\nAcme Costume Co.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 13713,
"title": "Perfetct Hallowen Costume"
},
{
"body": "One day a blonde and her brunette friend were listening to music together. The brunette had a few songs the blonde loved and so the brunette offered to burn a CD for her friend. \"No, no,\" the blonde said, \"I can burn my own CD\" so the brunette lent the blonde the CD and they both went home. The next day the brunette went over to the blonde's house and saw lots of fire engines and smoke and a smoldering lump where the blonde's house had been. The blonde was off to the side looking angry. When she saw the brunette she stomped over and asked, \"how exactly do you burn your CDs, because I tried using matches and it so did not work!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13714,
"title": "Mis Communication"
},
{
"body": "Throwing acid is wrong - in some people's eyes",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13715,
"title": "Acid"
},
{
"body": "I know that most jokes about women involve the fact that they are not as \"smart\" as men and they cannot do two things at once. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have never met a woman, no matter what age, who cannot multi-task, all women can multi-task.\r\n\r\nThey talk and piss you off at the same time!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13716,
"title": "Multi-tasking"
},
{
"body": "There was once a very very stupid farmer in Texas. The farmer decided he wanted to raise chickens, so he bought a standard gross of chicks.\r\nHe planted the chicks in the field, watered them regularly, but nothing happened. He was a persistent type, though, so he bought another gross of chicks and planted them and cared for them - still nothing.\r\nFinally he decided he needed professional help, so he wrote a letter to the Texas A & M extension service, explaining exactly what he'd done in detail and asking for their advice. About two weeks later he received a letter from A & M, and read it:\r\n\r\n\"Mr. X, we are unable to diagnose your problem without further information.\r\n\r\nPlease send a soil sample.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13717,
"title": "Raising Cain"
},
{
"body": "What's a specimen? \r\n\r\nAn Italian astronaut!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13718,
"title": "How High?"
},
{
"body": "What's a bigamist? \r\n\r\nA heavy fog in Naples!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13719,
"title": "Where Are You?"
},
{
"body": "What's bigotry? \r\n\r\nWhat you find in an Italian forest!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13720,
"title": "And Lots of Them!"
},
{
"body": "A family had lived in Brooklyn for three years, and their eight-year-old son had attended a Brooklyn public school for the past two years. The people of Brooklyn are renowned for their unusual, if not unique, manner of speaking, and the two years of school had given the young fellow an accent that would be recognizable anywhere in the English-speaking world.\r\n\r\nThe parents were concerned about this, for they were from Virginia, and did not think it proper that their son should speak in such a manner...excuse me, mannah.\r\n\r\nThey were well-to-do, so they imported a nanny from their home state, with instructions to Get The Brooklyn Out Of That Boy's Mouth.\r\n\r\nSaturday morning, the nanny took the lad for the first of many walks in a nearby park. Hearing a bird making a large ruckus high in a tree, the boy said to the nanny, \"Listen to that boid!\"\r\n\r\nTaking her instructions seriously, the nanny admonished him, \"That's not boid, it's bird.\"\r\n\r\nPuzzled, the boy replied \"It choips like a boid.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13721,
"title": "Is it a Bird? Is it a Plane?"
},
{
"body": "To find the inverse of a function, you reverse the process. To find the inverse of putting on your socks and shoes, how do you start?\r\n\r\nSocks first!",
"category": "College",
"id": 13722,
"title": "Inverse Functions"
},
{
"body": "A woman was taking a shower when the doorbell rang, so she put on a towel and answered it. It's her neighbor Bob. Now, Bob has this huge crush on her, but she's already married.\r\n\r\nBob says to her, \"If you drop your towel, I will give you $5,000.\" She is thinking that she could use the money, so she says yes, drops the towel, gets her money, and pulls her towel back up.\r\n\r\nHer husband comes along and asks, \"Who was that?\" She replied that it was Bob. The man saw the money in her hand and said, \"Finally, Bob repaid us that $5,000 he owed us!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13724,
"title": "The Towel"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so fat, she walks out to work in heels and comes back in pumps.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13725,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "One day a little girl came running into her house\r\nyelling, \"Mommy, I got five dollars!\" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from. The little girl replied, \"Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheels while he sat in the tree.\" The mother told her daughter, \"Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your undies?\"\r\n\r\n\"Ohhhh\" said the little girl. The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, \"Mommy, I got ten dollars.\" The mother asked, \"Where did you get the ten dollars from?\" The little girl replied, \"Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed.\"\r\n\r\nThe mother replied, \"Didn't I tell you that he is...\" Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, \"Wait Mommy; I tricked him, I didn't wear any undies today.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13726,
"title": "Cartwheeling For Cash"
},
{
"body": "A Newfie goes to Toronto to seek his fortune, and after a couple of years is doing very well for himself. His brother calls from Newfoundland to tell him their father is very ill and probably won't survive.\r\n\"Well, if he dies I'll pay for the funeral; the best of everything, spare no expense, just send me the bill,\" says the Toronto Newfie.\r\n\r\nTwo weeks later he gets a bill in the mail for $7500.00 \r\nHe sends the cheque off to his brother.\r\n\r\nThe following week he gets a bill for $75.00\r\nHe sends the cheque off to his brother.\r\n\r\nThe following week he gets another bill for $75.00\r\nHe sends the cheque off to his brother.\r\n\r\nThe following week he gets yet another bill for $75.00\r\nHe sends the cheque off to his brother.\r\n\r\nThe following week he gets a bill for $75.00\r\nHe calls his brother and says, \"What the hell is going on; why do keep get a bill for $75.00 every week?\"\r\n\r\nHis brother tells him, \"Well, you said spare no expense, so we rented Dad a tux.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13728,
"title": "The Best Of Everything"
},
{
"body": "Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, \"I am Napoleon!\"\r\nAnother one said, \"How do you know?\"\r\nThe first inmate said, \"God told me!\" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, \"I did NOT!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13730,
"title": "Asylum"
},
{
"body": "20. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20\" long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husbands strange sex practices, and one night during a prolonged being of \"fun\" she snapped, pushing all 20\" of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding. \r\n\r\n19. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake. \r\n\r\n18. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. (Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later. \r\n\r\n17. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to \"have his way with her\" his unwelcome advance was met with a prompt kick in the chest and then 4 shots from a doubled barrelled shot gun Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given to her an hour before the date started, just in case. \r\n\r\n16. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years (yes 8 years). The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent. \r\n\r\n15. Mary-Lee Cooper, 11 years old, was killed by her 1 year old sister who climbed on top of her while she was sleeping, suffocating her. \r\n\r\n14. Meegan Fri, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing the troopers all walking slow down the street Meegan Fri has jumped out in front of them and yelled. \"Boo!\" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting their target. \"She just looked like a very real looking target.\" One of the troopers stated in his report. \r\n\r\n13. Fiona Given, 17 years old, was killed by a \"Hit Man\" hired by her ex boyfriend after she broke off their relationship. The \"Hit Man\" was promised to be paid $500,000 for the task. The \"Hit Man\" killed the boyfriend after he found out that a 16 year old high school student, whose father was in jail for rape, and mother worked as an ironing lady didn't have access to $500,000. \r\n\r\n12. Louis Zaragoza, 68 years old, was killed as he prepared to drive to work. Lee Zaragoza, had been plotting to kill him for over a year, and had cut the brakes on his car 4 times previously. On this attempt Lee was just about to cut the brakes again when Louis snuck up behind her, he grabbed her and spun her around, as he did she lost her footing and stumbled into him, stabbing him in the lower ventrical of the heart, killing him instantly. \r\n\r\n11. Mummod Foli, 22 years old, was killed by an unknown member of the Russian Mafia, after he accidentally took away the gangsters drink too soon at the nightclub he worked in. The gangster was so upset he forced the waiter to drink over 27 litres of 'coca cola' (the drink he had taken away) until Mummod drowned. \r\n\r\n10. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Micheal because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial. \r\n\r\n9. Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American Nuclear Scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold subsituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off the victim never attended a doctors surgery or hospital for a check up. \r\n\r\n8. Military Sargent John Joe Winter killed his \"two timing wife\" by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4) the Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was witnessed by several persons, Some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found. Only a 55 metre deep crater, and 500m of missing road. \r\n\r\n7. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at a empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over \"for a cup of coffee and a chat\" about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway. \r\n\r\n6. Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend used the movie, \"Die Hard, With a Vengeance.\" as inspiration. He drugged his white boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided whiteboard that read \"Death to all Niggers!\" on one side, and \"God love the KKK.\" on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to down town Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased. \r\n\r\n5. Jay Newton was killed after a co worker at Sea World Florida dropped a 20 tonne killer whale on him. The whale had been hoisted out of his tank by a Master Tonne Crane, when the victim swam underneath to inspect the harness his colleague, Brian Hartley released the whale. crushing the victim instantly, (and emptying \u00c2\u00bc the water from the pool). \r\n\r\n4. Carl Densinter, 34 years old, by a fellow worker trying to prove a point.The worker, San Amote Pet, disconected the internal landing gear settings on a Boeing 747 test plane, and the plane's gear automatically retracted after take off. But come landing time wouldn't re-engage, the helpless Densinter couldn't do a thing as the plane ran out of fuel, in an attempt at an emergency landing the 747 exploded. Densinter was killed instantly. \r\n\r\n3. Mary Dridely, Joseph Coles and Haven Gillies were killed as they walked past a New York apartment building. David Smee, 7 years old, and his 6 year old sister were left alone in their 27th floor hotel room by their parents as they went to the hotel's gaming room. Bored, the kids though it'd be fun to try to squish the \"Ant looking things on the foot path below.\" (people) They started by throwing fruit, then quickly graduated to chairs, televisions, even the drawers from the bedroom dresser. \r\n\r\n2. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. Then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, \"Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian\" Conrad promptly light a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process. \r\n\r\n1. Gail Queens, 23 years old, was killed by her Zoo keeper Boyfriend Mathew Kellaway after she refused sex. He 'invited her' to the zoo the see the lion feeding, and at feeding time lead her into a room that had a large slide away panel, He explained to her that it was a large glass viewing window to watch the lions devour their prey. He ducked out for a quick smoke and locked her in the room. Suddenly the slide away panel opened to reveal many persons staring at her, she was just about to yell and tell them that they were on the wrong side of the glass when she realised that it was her on the wrong side. Another panel opened and 3 hungry lions were let into the pen. Gail survived for 2 days in hospital before dying of massive internal injuries.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13740,
"title": "Top 20 Homicides of the Year"
},
{
"body": "Why did Julie lose the race?\r\n\r\nBecause Jodie won!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13742,
"title": "Win/lose"
},
{
"body": "You know how occasionally you'll have people over, and they won't shut up and they whole visit is getting a little tedious? Or you'll be talking to this incredibly boring person who is too sensitive to tell to go away? Well, here is a solution to that boring-person-who-just-will-not-leave-you-alone.\r\n1. Close your eyes and lean your head on their shoulder. Snort and drool slightly, and when they pause jerk back up and ask, \"What did I miss?\"\r\n2. Sneeze. Inhale deeply and for a long time then do an extended, \"AH-AH-AH-\" and finally end in a big, \"Achoo!\" Aim at the person. Wipe your nose with the palm of your hand then pat them on the shoulder and say, \"Don't you just hate allergies?\"\r\n3. Stare down at your feet the whole time, then when they seem to be losing steam, look them straight in the eye and say, \"You're one of them, but send them this message: I WILL NOT SURRENDER.\" Then look back down at your feet\r\n4. Interrupt them by poking their nose. Then wipe your finger on their cheek and tell them that they, \"feel squishy.\"\r\n5. Attempt to get them to lead in a round of, \"If you're happy and you know it...\"\r\n6. Grab both of their hands in yours and start ballroom dancing while humming really loudly\r\n7. Growl softly slowly getting louder and louder and louder. Culminate with a bark.\r\n8. Collapse on the floor.\r\n9. Jump up and down non-stop. Smile insanely and hyperventilate.\r\n10. Say, \"bye-bye, I have to go now.\" \r\nAnd hey, if these don't work, improvise, or leave the room very quickly.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13743,
"title": "10 Ways to Get to Leave You Alone"
},
{
"body": "In Speech, Bush Calls Iraq, Iran, and North Korea 'Axis of Evil\"-N.Y. Times, 1/30/02\r\n\r\nANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, and SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL; Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs \r\n\r\nBeijing. - Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the \"Axis of Evil,\" Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the \"Axis of Just as Evil,\" which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. \"Right. They are Just as Evil...in their dreams!\" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. \"Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best.\" \r\n\r\nDiplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. \"They told us it was full,\" said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. \"An Axis can't have more than three countries,\" explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. \"This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool.\" \r\n\r\nTHE AXIS PANDEMIC International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia, and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable. With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. \"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do,\" said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in \"Guay,\" accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. \r\n\r\nIsrael, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13746,
"title": "Axis of Evil"
},
{
"body": "On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.\r\n\r\n\"What seems to be the problem Madam?\" asked the attendant. \r\n\r\n\"Can't you see?\" she said, \"You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!\"\r\n\r\n\"Please calm down, Madam.\" the stewardess replied. \"The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class.\" \r\n\r\nThe woman cocks a snotty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).\r\n\r\nA few minutes later, the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin: \r\n\r\n\"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class.\"\r\n\r\nBefore the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues... \r\n\r\n\"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person.\" \r\n\r\nHaving said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady, and said:\r\n\r\n\"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you...\"\r\n\r\nAt which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walked up to the front of the plane...",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13747,
"title": "Flying First Class"
},
{
"body": "WARNING: This describes the cruel, mental torture of innocent toy store employees. Readers under the age of 13 should be accompanied by an adult.\r\n\r\nAn \"Anti-shopping\" Trip with the Los Angeles Cacophony Society \r\nby Rev. Al\r\n\r\nI had been thinking for a long time about making cement filled teddy bears. I wasn't exactly sure why. At first it was just a perceptual curiosity I wanted to experience, and I wanted others to experience: the idea of being handed what appeared to be a fluffy stuffed animal, only to have it go tearing through your relaxed fingers like a lead meteor. \r\n\r\nThe Christmas shopping season seemed an ideal time to get them on the shelves of Los Angeles toy stores, so late in November, members of the Los Angeles Cacophony Society gathered in my backyard to gut several dozen plush toys and replace their innards with Portland's finest. \r\n\r\nWe called them, \"Cement Cuddlers.\"\r\n\r\nEach bear wore a full-color laminated label identifying it as such complete with bar code from another toy. Inside the folded tag was the text:\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nUnfortunate Child, do not mistake me for a living thing, nor seek in me the warmth denied you by your parents. For beneath my plush surface lies a hardness as impervious and unforgiving as this World's own indifference to your mortal struggle. Hold on to me when you are sad, and I will weigh you down, but bear this weight throughout your years, and it will strengthen your limbs and harden your will so that one day no man dare oppose you. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe target was easy to select. Not far away was a large not-to-be-named toy store, the biggest and newest of the chain in Southern California; a massive thing like the newly christened Titanic just begging for its iceberg. \r\n\r\nBy 10:30, around a dozen Cacophonists had slipped in managing to place several bears on the shelves without arousing suspicion. Not content to just leave them there we appointed Cacophonist Todd to help direct the management's attention to our prank. At 10:35 Todd entered, located a Cuddler, and brought it to the register, informing the cashier he couldn't find the price. \r\n\r\nPredictably, as he placed the innocent looking toy in those unwary hands, it went crashing to the floor like a particularly heavy bowling ball. After this, it just got worse. Todd began to demand a speedier price check, insisting that he had only minutes to complete this transaction before it would be too late to bring the bear to his nephew who was, as he repeated many times for our benefit, \"in the hospital with a skin rash.\" This element of his story, however, did not appear to provoke the suspicion of the clerk, who apparently had no difficulty in imagining her customer entering the children's ward not long before 11 PM to dump a lump of fur-covered construction material in the lap of an ailing youngster. \r\n\r\nHowever, as Todd's volume increased, backups arrived. One of the more astute clerks commented that she had never seen this toy before and wished to know what shelf it had come from. Indignantly, Todd led them to the appropriate place. A half dozen clerks, and several customers gathered round in bewilderment, passing the four bears amongst themselves and shaking their heads. \r\n\r\nI eventually moved into earshot, and heard one woman reading the tag aloud. \"That's really deep!\" she exclaimed. I could no longer resist. I moved in to express curiosity about this toy.\r\n\r\n\"Oh! That's a cute bear,\" I remarked as I reached for a Cuddler. Without warning, it was placed in my hands, which (naturally) were prepared to be unprepared for its weight. Another thunderous crash! \r\n\r\nNow I was outraged! \"Look here!\" I said. \"The labels say, for ages 2-10! How could \"Nameless Toy Store Chain\" sell such a dangerous toy to 2-year-olds!\"\r\n\r\nEventually I was calmed and began contemplating buying one for an older nephew. Cacophonist Frank became interested in buying one too. We all went to the register. \r\n\r\nThanks to the fully functional bar code, the farce continued. However, the bar code used was from another toy, and so the computer identified the toy as: Alien Face Hugger - $1.99. More panic and confusion. The manager was called. In the chaos, the bears are handed back and forth a few times more giving Todd one more opportunity to let one fall, this time \"on his foot\" (about 4 inches from his toes). He begins to wail and pulls off his shoe and sock. The clerks are incredulous. \r\n\r\n\"Would you say he dropped that on his foot?\" one says to me.\r\n\r\n\"I don't want to get involved,\" I say, secretly gesturing that Todd seems crazy.\r\n\r\nThe manager arrives, and he is young and sour-looking. Easily a control freak. We feel he is our divinely ordained victim. \r\n\r\nThey explain the difficulty with the scans, but he seems to pay little attention to the computer. Instead his eyes keep darting to Todd as he leaps around on one foot howling about the lethal bears to other customers. \r\n\r\n\"Come with me, sir. We'll see what we can do for you,\" he snaps, dragging Todd off to his little manager pen.\r\n\r\nFrank and I continue as good cops to Todd's bad cop routine, but continue to hover at the register insisting on the purchase. We discuss with the clerks how troubled Todd seems and reread the label. \r\n\r\n\"This is weird,\" one clerk finally realizes, \"a Teddy Bear literally filled with cement.\"\r\n\r\nI suggest it might be a door stop for children's bedrooms.\r\n\r\nThen a ray of light descends on Nameless Toy Store. \"It's like a joke someone's playing or something,\" says one of our blue-vested assistants. \r\n\r\n\"You mean,\" asks Frank, with wonderfully stylized naivete, \"like someone made them themselves? Maybe just this weekend? Took out the stuffing and replaced it with cement?\"\r\n\r\n\"Or maybe that crazy guy did,\" says the clerk. \r\n\r\n\"No, no. Can't be,\" I say. \"Why would he insist on buying from you something he made himself. That's illogical!\"\r\n\r\nSuddenly we hear Todd's voice booming again from the front of the store.\r\n\r\nThey have emerged from the manager pen.\r\n\r\n\"This will mean so much to Bobby. God Bless you!\" And he leaves with the bear in bag. $1.99! Lucky dog!\r\n\r\nManager-man hurries to the counter with his panicky stick-up-the-rear gait, one ear pressed to a cellular, doubtlessly consulting the Nameless Toy Store overlords. We mob him, insisting to know the price arrived at. \r\n\r\n\"They're not for sale.\"\r\n\r\nWe are incredulous, indignant. \"This item is discontinued.\" He bites off the word and rushes to the shelves to haul the Cuddlers away. We continue to needle him as he gathers the bears. Suddenly, he swings around holding the furry blocks of cement as if he might do some harm. Perspiration has appeared on his forehead. \r\n\r\n\"Look!\" he sputters, \"I don't know how these things got on the shelves! They DON'T track correctly on the computer. I've never seen them before. I have NO explanation. It's like someone's playing a joke on MY STORE!\" \r\n\r\nIt's in that word \"my.\" You can tell. He's gotten that look like he's just seen the first crack in the brand new ceiling. We understand that if that crack widens by even a hairline, he's going to see through it. He already suspects Todd. He is probably 90 seconds from realizing that we're all part of it. \r\n\r\nAnd so we decide to take advantage of our time.\r\n\r\n\"Could you at least tell us the manufacturer so maybe we could order the toy?\"\r\n\r\nHe whips the label over, and reads, Brutal Truth Toys.\r\n\r\nThis is a good time to leave. There's still a half hour before midnight, so we take advantage of the energy we've gathered to make a few prank phone calls. I call a rival Nameless Toy Store asking for Cement Cuddlers.\r\n\r\nI'm put on hold and another clerk picks up the phone and claims to have actually pulled up the info on my Cement Cuddlers on the computer. He tells me I can get a rain check. Sadly, when I ask for the stock number, he suddenly loses the record that he \"just had, just a minute ago.\" \r\n\r\nAfter going through three or four baffled and fairly easy to baffle clerks, I finally get to the manager. I am slightly indignant at the delays and feigned ignorance of a product I JUST PURCHASED THAT VERY NIGHT at their rival, the new Burbank store, we'd just invaded. The manager explains that this new store carries certain promotional items not available to the other stores because it is the newest and largest. I detect a note of envy in his voice, and soften my approach. I become confidential and ask if the new store hired away a lot of good workers. \r\n\r\n\"You know,\" I tell him, \"I know it's big and everything, but it's so new... I mean, they didn't quite seem to have it all together yet.\" He agrees. He's heard rumors to this effect. \"All the employees seemed, I don't know... nervous somehow. It's like the store's too big for them to handle. I get a nervous feeling when I go in there.\" \r\n\r\nHe knows what I mean.\r\n\r\n\"I think it's that manager, maybe. He seemed so tense and kinda angry somehow. He doesn't give me a good feeling. He seems a little odd. Have you heard anything like this?\"\r\n\r\nHe's heard some funny things about this upstart.\r\n\r\n\"Yeah. Odd manager. Odd store. Come to think of it this whole cement teddy bear thing is pretty odd. Maybe this was just a special thing he wanted to order. Maybe they were his idea.\" He agrees, but he won't call the other store to see if they still have them in stock there. So I tell him I'll check back later. \r\n\r\nAnd I will. It was a good night, and we still have 18 more bears to distribute.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13749,
"title": "Cement Cuddlers"
},
{
"body": "\"Oh, No!\" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.\r\n\r\nHe could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded. \r\n\r\nWalking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.\r\n\r\n\"Danny! Danny!\" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. \r\n\r\nHe couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.\r\n\r\nIn desperation, he took another step then cried out, \"Danny!\" \r\n\r\nFrom a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. \"Yes, Dad,\" he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.\r\n\r\n\"It's time to get up and get ready for school,\" the man sighed, \"and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13750,
"title": "Where are You, Danny?"
},
{
"body": "Alabama:\r\nIt is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.\r\n\r\nCalifornia:\r\nCommunity leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.\r\n\r\nNebraska:\r\nA parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.\r\n\r\nNew Mexico:\r\nFemales are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.\r\n\r\nPennsylvania:\r\nA special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling.\r\nNo man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.\r\n\r\nTennessee:\r\nIt is illegal to lasso a catfish in Tennessee.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13754,
"title": "It's The Law I"
},
{
"body": "Washington:\r\nAll lollipops are banned. \r\n\r\nA law to reduce crime states: \"It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.\r\nIn King County, in Seattle Washington, it is illegal to sit on a man's lap on a metro bus, unless you are married.\r\n\r\nNew York:\r\nA fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and \"looking at a woman in that way.\" A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a \"pair of horse-blinders\" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.\r\n\r\nIowa:\r\nKisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.\r\n\r\nKentucky:\r\nBy law, anyone who has been drinking is \"sober\" until he or she \"cannot hold onto the ground.\"\r\nIt is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13755,
"title": "It's The Law II"
},
{
"body": "Florida:\r\nWomen may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.\r\nIf an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.\r\nMen may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.\r\nSARASOTA - It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.\r\n\r\nLouisiana:\r\nIt is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.\r\nBiting someone with your natural teeth is \"simple assault,\" \r\nwhile biting someone with your false teeth is \"aggravated assault.\"\r\n\r\nNorth Dakota:\r\nBeer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.\r\n\r\nOhio:\r\nWomen are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13756,
"title": "It's The Law III"
},
{
"body": "Vermont:\r\nLawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week - on Saturday night.\r\n\r\nIndiana:\r\nBathing is prohibited during the winter.\r\nCitizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.\r\n\r\nMassachusetts:\r\nMourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches. \r\nSnoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. \r\nAn old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public. \r\nTaxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.\r\n\r\nKentucky:\r\nBy law, anyone who has been drinking is \"sober\" until he or she \"cannot hold onto the ground.\"\r\nIt is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13757,
"title": "It's The Law IV"
},
{
"body": "Connecticut:\r\nYou can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.\r\nYou are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.\r\n\r\nIllinois: \r\nIt is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.\r\n\r\nIowa:\r\nKisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.\r\n\r\nWest Virginia: \r\nNo children may attend school with their breath smelling of \"wild onions.\"\r\n\r\nOklahoma:\r\nViolators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.\r\nFemales are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state. \r\nDogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.\r\n\r\nVancouver, WA has a city law that requires all motor vehicles to carry anchors... as an emergency brake.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13758,
"title": "It's The Law V"
},
{
"body": "Husband walks into his house with a chicken under his arm and says \"Honey I want you to meet the pig I've been fucking.\" \r\nWife looks at him and says \"dear, that's a chicken not a pig!\" \r\nHusband says \"Shut up bitch I wasn't talking to you!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13760,
"title": "Rude Husband"
},
{
"body": "There were 2 men sitting next to each other in a hospital waiting room. Feeling a little akward, one man turns to the other and asks, \"So what are you in here for?\". Leaning closer to the other man so as to wisper because of embarasment, the first man replies,\"I have a green ring around my penis!\" Shocked, the second man replies,\"that's so weird, I have a red ring around mine.\" \r\n\r\nwell time passes an the second man gets called into the doctors office. a little while later the man comes out and walks by the first man with a big smile on his face telling him that he was fine and that he will be too.\r\n\r\nso the first man gets called into the doctors office. the doctor started to examine him. after about 5 minuets of poking and prodding the doctor finally gives his review. with a worried expression on his face he tells the first man,\" i'm sorry there is nothing i can do for you.\" the man replies,\" the guy who just came out of here had the same problem as me, only he had a red ring around his penis!!!\" the doctor nodds his head and tells the man, \" yes, i know, but his ring was just lipstick!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13761,
"title": "Green Ring"
},
{
"body": "I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered all over the world.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13764,
"title": "Seashells"
},
{
"body": "I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me \"What do you do at a red light?\" I said, \"I don't know... look around, listen to the radio...",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13766,
"title": "Red Light"
},
{
"body": "China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13767,
"title": "One in One Million"
},
{
"body": "As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the guy asked, \"Do you have any firearms with you?\" I answered, \"What do you need?\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13768,
"title": "Fire Arm"
},
{
"body": "All of these are legitimate companies dealing in regular products and services, but they (obviously) didn't think their domain names through. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nSome of them are prime candidates for the \"What was I thinking?\" Award.... \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nALL these websites actually exist, selling something totally benign (and work-safe, in case you're wondering). \r\n\r\n1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is: www.whorepresents.com \r\n\r\n2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: \r\nwww.expertsexchange.com \r\n\r\n3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at: \r\nwww.penisland.net \r\n\r\n4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at: \r\nwww.therapistfinder.com \r\n\r\n5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company: www.powergenitalia.com \r\n\r\n6. We have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com \r\n\r\n7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always: www.ipanywhere.com \r\n\r\n8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church and their website: www.cummingfirst.com \r\n\r\n9. Then of course, there's these brainless art designers at Speed of Art and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com \r\n\r\n10. Want to go on holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at: www.gotahoe.com",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 13771,
"title": "What was I Thinking?"
},
{
"body": "It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. However up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law. \r\n* \r\nYou may not sing in the bathtub. \r\n* \r\nFireworks stores may not sell fireworks to Pennsylvania residents. \r\n* \r\nMinisters are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk. \r\n* \r\nMotorized vehicles are not to be sold on Sundays. \r\n* \r\nYou may not catch a fish with your hands. \r\n* \r\nYou may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth. \r\n* \r\nDynamite is not to be used to catch fish. \r\n* \r\nThough you do not need a fishing license to fish on your own land, but a hunting license is required to hunt on your own land. \r\n* \r\nAll fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires. \r\n* \r\nNo one is allowed to sleep on a refrigerator.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13772,
"title": "Dumb Pennsylvania State Law"
},
{
"body": "A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, \"I want to be a movie star.\" Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. \r\n\r\n\r\nThe agent asked, \"What's your name?\" \r\n\r\nThe guy said, \"My name is Penis van Lesbian.\" \r\n\r\nThe agent said, \"Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.\" \r\n\r\n\r\nThe agent said, \"Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"So be it! I guess we will not do business together,\u00c3\u00a2? the guy said and he left the agent's office. \r\n\r\nFIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope are a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... \r\n\r\n\r\nDear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThank you for your advice. \r\n\r\nSincerely, Dick van Dyke",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13776,
"title": "Penis Van Lesbian"
},
{
"body": "Ghost Poopie \r\nThe kind where you feel the Poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet. \r\n\r\nClean Poopie \r\nThe kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. \r\n\r\nWet Poopie \r\nThe kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain. \r\n\r\nSecond Wave Poopie \r\nThe kind that happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize you have to poopie some more. \r\n\r\nTurtle Poopie \r\nThe kind of poopie that pops out a little and goes back in a few times before it finally comes out \r\n\r\nPop-a-Vein-in-your-Forehead-Poopie \r\nThe kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. \r\n\r\nLincoln Log Poopie \r\nThe kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the plunger. \r\n\r\nGas-sy Poopie \r\nThe kind where it's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling! \r\n\r\nDrinker Poopie \r\nThe kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. \r\n\r\nCorn Poopie \r\n(Self explanatory) \r\n\r\nGee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poop Poopie \r\nThe kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is it on the toilet and fart a few times. \r\n\r\nSpinal Tap Poopie \r\nThat's the kind when it hurts so badly coming out, you swear it was leaving you sideways. \r\n\r\nWet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) \r\nThe kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. \r\n\r\nLiquid Poopie \r\nThe kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots you of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl. \r\n\r\nMexican Poopie \r\nThe kind that smells so bad your nose burns. \r\n\r\nUpper Class Poopie \r\nThe kind of Poopie that doesn't smell. \r\n\r\nThe Surprise Poopie \r\nYou are not even at the toilet, because you are sure you are about to fart, but, OOPS---a Poopie! \r\n\r\nThe Dangling Poopie",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13779,
"title": "Poopie"
},
{
"body": "A man runs to the doctor and says, \"Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!\" \r\n\r\nThe doctor asks, \"How long has she had this condition?\" \r\n\r\n\"Two years,\" says the man. \r\n\r\n\"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?\" asked the shrink. \r\n\r\nThe man shrugs his shoulders and replies, \"We needed the eggs.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13783,
"title": "You Are A Chicken"
},
{
"body": "My job is secure. No one else wants it. \r\n\r\nYou've obviously mistaken me for someone who cares \r\n\r\nThis is my other car! \r\n\r\nAnd on the eighth day, God went fishing \r\n\r\nTime is what keeps everything from happening at once \r\n\r\nPay no attention to the man behind the curtain \r\n\r\nDon't steal. The government hates competition. \r\n\r\nWe are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. \r\n\r\nStop the violins. Visualize whirled peas. \r\n\r\nGun Control isn't about guns. It's about control. \r\n\r\nThere's too much youth; how about a fountain of smart. \r\n\r\nMy computer doesn't understand me!! \r\n\r\nBe nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. \r\n\r\nHorn broken. Watch for finger. \r\n\r\nI'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings \r\n\r\nGrandchildren are spoiled because you can't spank the Grandma! \r\n\r\nEat well, stay fit, die anyway \r\n\r\nSupport Capitol Punishment, Flog a Politician Today \r\n\r\nI'd rather be hunting \r\n\r\nSometimes I wish life had subtitles \r\n\r\nSave the humans \r\n\r\nThe gene pool could use a little chlorine! \r\n\r\nHang up and drive! \r\n\r\nProud member of the vast right-wing conspiracy \r\n\r\nI'd rather be fishing \r\n\r\nIf you took an IQ test, the results would be negative \r\n\r\nI souport publik edukashun \r\n\r\nWe are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse \r\n\r\nArtificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity \r\n\r\nI'd rather be driving a golf ball \r\n\r\nI'm not always right, but I'm never wrong! \r\n\r\nNever take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. \r\n\r\nA politician should do two terms - one in office and one in jail \r\n\r\nTired of being around? Call Dr. Jack \r\n\r\nPoliticians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. \r\n\r\nMy other car bumper sticker is funny \r\n\r\nIf all else fails .. lower your standards \r\n\r\nBosses are like diapers. Full of shit and all over your ass! \r\n\r\nThe religious right is neither \r\n\r\nIt's hard to stumble when you're on your knees. \r\n\r\nNuke the gay unborn baby whales for peace \r\n\r\nI refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person \r\n\r\nThe only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. \r\n\r\nDon't laugh .. It's paid for! \r\n\r\nTime flies when you don't know what you're doing \r\n\r\nHe who dies with the most toys, wins! \r\n\r\nMy other car is a Porsche \r\n\r\nCat: The other white meat \r\n\r\nI'm in no hurry, I'm on my way to work \r\n\r\nAs long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. \r\n\r\nOf course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time \r\n\r\nNothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it \r\n\r\nThe #1 cause of divorce is ... Marriage \r\n\r\nDon't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive. \r\n\r\nWe are spending our kids inheritance. \r\n\r\nLife is sexually transmitted. \r\n\r\nEver stop to think and forget to start again? \r\n\r\nSome days you're the Dog, & Some days you're the Hydrant \r\n\r\nIf marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. \r\n\r\nDon't let school interfere with your education \r\n\r\nIndecision is the key to flexibility. \r\n\r\nMy karma ran over your dogma \r\n\r\nI may be slow, but I'm ahead of you \r\n\r\nShit happens! \r\n\r\nLiving on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. \r\n\r\nIf it's tourist season then why can't we shoot them? \r\n\r\nMen have feelings too, but who really cares? \r\n\r\nAnd on the eighth day, God went skiing \r\n\r\nI need someone really bad. Are you really bad? \r\n\r\nAthletes love to score \r\n\r\nNot all women are fools. Some are single. \r\n\r\nThere are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. \r\n\r\nIf everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane \r\n\r\nYes, I've heard of \"\"decaf.\"\" What's your point? \r\n\r\nInsanity is hereditary - you get it from your children \r\n\r\nProcrastinate Later \r\n\r\nHard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW! \r\n\r\nI want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. \r\n\r\nI love cats, they taste just like chicken \r\n\r\nMen are idiots and I married their king \r\n\r\nDijon vu - the same mustard as before. \r\n\r\nThe best way to get on your feet is to get off your ass! \r\n\r\nSave the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes! \r\n\r\nCaution! Driver just doesn't give a shit anymore! \r\n\r\nDon't steal. The government hates competition. \r\n\r\nHave a crappy day \r\n\r\nGod grant me patience. And I want it NOW! \r\n\r\nImpeach Clinton. And her husband. \r\n\r\nI'll do it tomorrow, I've made enuf mistakes today \r\n\r\nRemember when sex was safe and motorcycles were not! \r\n\r\nCaution! I brake for tailgaters \r\n\r\nLife's too short to date ugly women \r\n\r\nLiberals want misery spread equally \r\n\r\nI'm looking for true love. But I'll settle for cheap sex. \r\n\r\nKeep honking, I'm reloading. \r\n\r\nLove is free. It's diapers that are expensive \r\n\r\nIn just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. \r\n\r\nLife would be so much easier if we just had the source code \r\n\r\nAnnoy a liberal. Work hard and smile \r\n\r\nProud to be an American \r\n\r\nLottery! A tax on people who are bad at math \r\n\r\nMean people suck \r\n\r\nEverybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die \r\n\r\nIf you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people! \r\n\r\nChange is inevitable, except from a vending machine. \r\n\r\nI don't believe in miracles. I rely on them \r\n\r\nI am an escapee of a political correction facility. \r\n\r\nYour kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot! \r\n\r\nI still miss my Ex ... but my aim is improving \r\n\r\nWomen who want to be equal to men lack ambition \r\n\r\nComputers cut my work in half and the boss expects me to put it all back together! \r\n\r\nLead me not into temptation. I can find it myself! \r\n\r\nGive me coffee and no one will get hurt \r\n\r\nSleep is a poor substitute for coffee \r\n\r\nIgnore your rights and they'll go away \r\n\r\nC code. C code run. Run, code, run! (please?) \r\n\r\nIf you're rich, I'm single! \r\n\r\nThis truck belongs to me. Everything else belongs to her \r\n\r\nThe complaint department is closed! \r\n\r\nI don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it \r\n\r\nWork is for people who don't know how to golf \r\n\r\nGet even. Live long enough to be a problem to your children \r\n\r\nQuestion Authority before it Questions You! \r\n\r\nA fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. \r\n\r\nSupport the right to arm bears! \r\n\r\nI need someone really bad... are you really bad? \r\n\r\nInvest in America Buy a Congressman! \r\n\r\nA woman with a big fat ass should dump him \r\n\r\nJesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an idiot! \r\n\r\nYou can't fix stupid \r\n\r\n24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? \r\n\r\nI AM in shape. Round is a shape. \r\n\r\nWanted: Meaningful overnight relationship \r\n\r\nMy inferiority complex is not as good as yours. \r\n\r\nI've run out of sick days, so I'm calling in dead! \r\n\r\nPolitically incorrect and proud of it \r\n\r\nVegetables aren't food. Vegetables are what food eats. \r\n\r\nIf you drink like a fish - swim, don't drive \r\n\r\nI don't give a damn what your other car is! \r\n\r\nEarth First. We'll screw up the other planets later. \r\n\r\nWarning! Driver only carries $20 in ammunition \r\n\r\nWhen I want your opinion, I'll give it to you \r\n\r\nA woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle \r\n\r\nIf you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes \r\n\r\nNever put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether \r\n\r\nGun control is being able to hit your target \r\n\r\nIf at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you \r\n\r\nI drive way too fast to worry about cholestrol \r\n\r\nReality is the leading cause of stress \r\n\r\nGood planets are hard to find \r\n\r\nIt hurts to be on the cutting edge. \r\n\r\nJesus is coming! Look busy \r\n\r\nSame BS, different day \r\n\r\nI like your approach, let's see your departure \r\n\r\nLife's too short to date ugly men \r\n\r\nI said for better or for worse, not forever! \r\n\r\nIf the van's a' rockin, don't come a' knockin \r\n\r\nComputer Literacy? You mean my computer is supposed to be able to read? \r\n\r\nQuiet! Genius at work \r\n\r\nWork is for people who don't surf the net! \r\n\r\nMen are pigs \r\n\r\nGrowing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional. \r\n\r\nI love my country. It's the government I'm afraid of. \r\n\r\nI respect your opinion. Just don't want to hear it! \r\n\r\nRemember when Windows were washed, mice were trapped, and UNIX guarded the harem? \r\n\r\nWhy should we trust the government with automatic weapons? \r\n\r\nNot afraid of heights - afraid of widths. \r\n\r\nI used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. \r\n\r\nWANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. \r\n\r\nWhat part of \"\"NO\"\" don't you understand? \r\n\r\nPanic now and avoid the rush \r\n\r\nI fight poverty, I work \r\n\r\nIf men are from Mars, then why can't we send them back? \r\n\r\nThe opposite of progress is Congress \r\n\r\nWhen the going gets tough, everybody leaves \r\n\r\nSo you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! \r\n\r\nThe best things in life aren't things \r\n\r\nIf you can read this, you are too close! \r\n\r\nGod's last name is not damnit! \r\n\r\nEven if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. \r\n\r\nAmerica - Love it or leave it \r\n\r\nDAMM - Drunks against Mad Mothers \r\n\r\nI love my boss, I love my job, I'm self employed \r\n\r\nI always wanted to be a procrastinator; never got around to it. \r\n\r\nLife's a bitch and then you die! \r\n\r\nSometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. \r\n\r\nI'd rather be playing golf \r\n\r\nLife is like a box of chocolates .. full of nuts! \r\n\r\nTo hell with the dog, beware of the owner \r\n\r\nI'm not as think as you drunk I am \r\n\r\nWas today really necessary? \r\n\r\nThe more people I meet, the more I like my dog \r\n\r\nThe computer revolution is over and the computers won! \r\n\r\nTalk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. \r\n\r\nIt's bad enough driving sober. Don't drive drunk \r\n\r\nIf you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you! \r\n\r\nFew women admit their age ... Fewer men act theirs \r\n\r\nHonesty pays, but not enough \r\n\r\nComputers aren't intelligent. They just think they are. \r\n\r\nSex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. \r\n\r\nIf this car were a horse, I'd have to shoot it \r\n\r\nA bad day of golf beats a good day of working \r\n\r\nGood health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. \r\n\r\nAsk me if I care! \r\n\r\nGood cowgirls keep their calves together \r\n\r\nWork is for people who don't know how to fish \r\n\r\nThe ten commandments aren't multiple choice \r\n\r\nI don't deserve self esteem \r\n\r\nI'm not deaf. I'm just ignoring you. \r\n\r\nProud to be a Democrat \r\n\r\nLearn from your parents mistakes - use birth control \r\n\r\nThe mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. \r\n\r\nFalwell and Robertson don't speak for me! \r\n\r\nI finally got it all together, but I forgot where I put it \r\n\r\nFirst they burn books then they burn people \r\n\r\nAsk me about my vow of silence \r\n\r\nI used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. \r\n\r\nEveryone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. \r\n\r\nIt's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. \r\n\r\nI only look Sweet & Innocent \r\n\r\nYou have the right to remain silent. So please SHUT UP. \r\n\r\nWork harder. Millions on welfare depend on you \r\n\r\nMy other car is also a piece of junk \r\n\r\nAnd on the eighth day, God played golf \r\n\r\nIf women are from Venus, then why can't we send them back? \r\n\r\nConservatives suck \r\n\r\nA bad day of fishing beats a good day of working \r\n\r\nMeeting - an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. \r\n\r\nNot all men are fools. Some are single. \r\n\r\nIf you think education is expensive, try ignorance \r\n\r\nDeath Before Dishonor Nothing Before Coffee \r\n\r\nProud to be a Republican \r\n\r\nI love cats. Want to trade recipes? \r\n\r\nIt's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. \r\n\r\nTo err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer \r\n\r\nI'd rather be skiing \r\n\r\nHey jerk, you are driving a car, not a phone booth \r\n\r\nI don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. \r\n\r\nMy kid beat up your honor student \r\n\r\nLove is a 4-letter word \r\n\r\nIt's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13784,
"title": "Bumper Stickers"
},
{
"body": "Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Kentucky arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. \r\nShe said, \"I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.\" \r\n\r\nWith that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, \"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!\" \r\n\r\nAs the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... \r\n\r\n\"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!\" \r\n\r\nShe hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. \r\n\r\nFinally, one of them asked, \"What did she roll?\" \r\n\r\nThe other answered, \"I don't know - I thought you were watching.\" \r\n\r\nMoral - \r\n\r\nNot all Kentuckians are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13786,
"title": "Men"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so fat, when she put on a pair of Nike's, it spelled out Nickelodeon!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13794,
"title": "Nike's"
},
{
"body": "Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness \r\n\r\n\"Let me ask your opinion, nurse...\"\r\n\r\n\"Has anyone ever seen one of THESE?\"\r\n\r\n\"What do you mean, \"It's upside down\"?\"\r\n\r\n\"This is what happens when cousins marry.\"\r\n\r\n\"You think we can sew it back on?\"\r\n\r\n\"Is that SUPPOSED to be yellow?\"\r\n\r\n\"What does the AMA know; I still think I can do it.\"\r\n\r\n\"Wow. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so drunk last night.\"\r\n\r\n\"Does Tab A go into Slot C or Slot F?\"\r\n\r\n\"They never let us practice on REAL people in Med school.\"\r\n\r\n\"Don't worry, he'll never know; he's out.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 13796,
"title": "Things You Don't Want to Hear II"
},
{
"body": "Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness.\r\n\r\n\"OK, make a wish and pull.\"\r\n\r\n\"Back in a minute. Gotta put money in the meter.\"\r\n\r\n\"What he doesn't know, won't hurt us.\"\r\n\r\n\"Tilt that TV a bit. I can't see the game.\"\r\n\r\n\"That PROVES aliens have taken over our bodies.\"\r\n\r\n\"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.\"\r\n\r\n\"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.\"\r\n\r\n\"I learned that when I studied to be a vet.\"\r\n\r\n\"Poor guy... Maybe we should give him a sex change.\"\r\n\r\n\"He looks like my ex-wife's attorney... The one who got her the house, the car, the money... he even got her!...\"\r\n\r\n\"C L E A R!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 13797,
"title": "Things You Don't Want to Hear III"
},
{
"body": "This Australian truck driver is looking for a long distance driving job in Adelaide. He gets offered a job driving a load of bowling balls to Darwin. He's not too keen on this, but he needs the money and so takes off.\r\nA while along the highway he sees two Aborigines with a bike, in the middle of nowhere, so he stops and asks if they would like a lift. They say OK. The truck driver says, \"All right, hop in, but you'll have to ride in the back.\"\r\nA 100 km down the road he stops at a truck stop, which amongst other things, involves a load inspection by the local cops. He is asked where he is off to and he says, \"Darwin\".\r\nThe cops go round the back, open the doors, slam them shut quickly and rush round desperately to the driver, saying, \"For Chrissake get going to Darwin straight away, and don't stop - two of your eggs have already hatched, and one of them has stolen a bike!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13799,
"title": "Aussie Trucker"
},
{
"body": "Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.\r\n\r\nIt's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.\r\n\r\nHere's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.\r\n\r\nEach sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The \"Browse\" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an \"index\" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.\r\n\r\nAn optional \"BOOKmark\" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session - even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.\r\n\r\nPortable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13801,
"title": "The Book"
},
{
"body": "You're probably a redneck if.................... \r\n\r\nDuring your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your John Deere hat fell off.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 13802,
"title": "John Deere"
},
{
"body": "What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13803,
"title": "The Dilemma"
},
{
"body": "Several years ago, Baltimore Zoo decided to encamp colonies of tiny Green Monkeys and large Drill Baboons together on an island, the theory being that the primates would stay put because neither could swim.\r\n\r\nBut the morning after the exhibit opened, zoo officials found little Green Monkeys off the island and wandering around the zoo. The next two mornings, it was the same thing. Finally a vigilant keeper discovered the problem stemmed less from cage design than monkey manners. The baboons, unwilling to share food, were grabbing the Green Monkeys by their tails and hurling them like Olympic hammer throwers off the island during suppertime.\r\n\r\nThe monkeys were no worse for their daily shuttle, but the colonies were separated anyway. The island is now a penguin reserve.\r\n\r\nSwing, swing, swing, *toss* Wheeeeeee! :)",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13804,
"title": "Monkey Manners"
},
{
"body": "1. Send us out to cash your checks and buy stamps in all weathers. Walking is exhilarating and as we sit down all day, the exercise does us good.\r\n\r\n2. Do walk out of the office without telling us where you are going or how long you might be. We enjoy telling people who wish to contact you urgently that we have no idea where you are or when you will return.\r\n\r\n3. When dictating, please parade up and down the room and practice your golf strokes, or better still, walk out of the room. We can understand what is said more distinctly. \r\n\r\n4. Please lower your voice to a whisper when dictating names of people and places. Under no circumstances spell them to us. We are sure to hit the right way sooner or later.\r\n\r\n5. Please dictate a paragraph and change your mind, with the corrected version following, particularly when using dictating equipment. It adds variety to our typing.\r\n\r\n6. Should you wish to write out a letter or report, please write with a blunt pencil using the left hand, and use plenty of arrows, balloons and other diagrams.\r\n\r\n7. If possible, always pick up your calls on your secretary's phone. This ensures that we cannot pick up calls for any other people on our own phones. It also helps keep us company. We miss you during the day.\r\n\r\n8. If you are being paged, please ignore it. We usually have no particular reason for wanting to locate you and enjoy hunting you down or taking messages.\r\n\r\n9. Please do interrupt us while we are speaking on the telephone. We have two ears, so we might as well use both of them at the same time.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 13805,
"title": "How to Please Your Secretary"
},
{
"body": "A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him, \"Hey - come over here, buddy.\" The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, \"Were you talking to me?\"\r\n\r\nThe horse replies, \"Sure was, man. I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run.\"\r\n\r\nThe jogger thought to himself, \"Boy, a talking horse.\" \r\n\r\nDollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer, \"Hey, man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field.\"\r\n \r\nThe farmer replies, \"Son, you can't believe anything that horse says - he's never even been to Kentucky.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13808,
"title": "A Talking Horse"
},
{
"body": "David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, Rhode Island, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.\r\n \r\n45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13810,
"title": "Stupid People"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\nWhy are you knocking? I've got a doorbell.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 13815,
"title": "Knocking?"
},
{
"body": "In Arkansas, it is illegal to say the word Arkansas incorrectly.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13816,
"title": "Stupid Law"
},
{
"body": "Here is some random advice to make you smile...\r\n\r\nMEN have 2 heads and WOMEN have 4 lips.\r\n\r\nThe American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%. Suck a dick and save a smile...\r\n\r\nIf you have sex 365 times a year, and if you melted down all of the condoms to make a tire, what would you call it? A fuckin Goodyear!\r\n\r\nSex is like playing spades. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.\r\n\r\nBig Bad Wolf told Little Red Riding Hood to lift her top so he could suck her tits. \"No,\" she said while lifting her skirt, \"Eat me like the fuckin book says!\"\r\n\r\nA rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. The cat fell in and the rooster laughed. The rooster exclaimed, \"A wet pussy always makes a cock happy!\"\r\n\r\nGirls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13818,
"title": "Simple One Liners"
},
{
"body": "Harassment:\r\n\r\nThe teacher asked Paco to use \"harassment\" in a sentence. \r\nPaco smiles and says......... \"Orale vato (homeboy)...Mi ruca (my girl) caught me in\r\nbed with my sancha (lover), pero ( but) that's okay porque (because) I told her\r\nthat... HAR ASS MENT nothing to me.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13819,
"title": "Mexican Word of the Day"
},
{
"body": "One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, \"Do you know what it is?\"\r\n\r\n\"No, I don't,\" said the little boy.\r\n\r\n\"OK, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.\"\r\n\r\nSuddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, \"Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13821,
"title": "Kisses"
},
{
"body": "Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.\r\n\r\nMatt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. \"I play a man who's been married for twenty years.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13823,
"title": "Silent Part"
},
{
"body": "Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, \"I think I'm going to see a dietitian.\"\r\n\r\nNina asks, \"Why?\"\r\n\r\nRosy answers, \"'Cause I need to know once and for all how many calories there are in semen.\"\r\n\r\nNina replies, \"I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13826,
"title": "Spit or Swallow"
},
{
"body": "The Russian wrestling team and American wrestling team are having a 5-on-5 exhibition match. Both teams are down to their final wrestlers, tied at two wins apiece. The remaining American wrestler is 5'10\", 175lbs., and his Russian counterpart is 6'7\", 300lbs and all muscle. The American coach sends his wrestler into the match with little hope of winning. As expected, the Russian has with way with the American. Suddenly, the American explosively turns the match around, pins the Russian, and gains the victory for the American team.\r\n\r\nThe American wrestler returns to the sidelines where the coach asks him, \"Son, how were you able to defeat that big Russian? Honestly, I didn't give you much of a chance.\"\r\n\r\nThe wrestler says, \"Well, coach, when he had me down on the ground all rolled up, I saw a pair of nuts dangling in front of my face, and I just bit them as hard as I could.\"\r\n\r\nThe coach is shocked. \"That's how you beat him?!\"\r\n\r\n\"Hell yeah!\" the wrestler says. \"You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 13829,
"title": "Biting Nuts"
},
{
"body": "Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?\r\n\r\nMultiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.\r\n\r\nDementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.\r\n\r\nNarcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me.\r\n\r\nManic - Deck The Halls and Walls and Houses and Lawns and Streets and Stores and Offices and Towns and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...\r\n\r\nParanoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me.\r\n\r\nBorderline Personality - Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire.\r\n\r\nPersonality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why.\r\n\r\nObsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ..........",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13831,
"title": "Holiday Favorite"
},
{
"body": "A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he's going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.\r\n\r\n\"My darling,\" he writes, \"it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation's terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them.\"\r\n\r\nHis wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, \"Why don't you learn to play this?\"\r\n\r\nEventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. \"Darling\" he says, \"I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!\"\r\n\r\nBut she stops him with a wave of her hand. \"First, let's see how well you play that harmonica.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13832,
"title": "Overseas Tease"
},
{
"body": "Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR.\r\n\r\nAll of a sudden Joe says, \"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months.\"\r\n\r\nBill sips his beer and says, \"You better think it over, women like that are hard to find.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13837,
"title": "Unspoken Wife"
},
{
"body": "Jabu walked into class every morning with a black eye. After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it. Jabu answered, \"Our house is very small, Miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep in the same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Jabu are you sleeping?' I say, 'no' and then he hits me and gives me a black eye.\"\r\n\r\nSo the teacher says to him, \"When your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer.\"\r\n\r\nThe following morning, Jabu comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief.\r\n\r\nBut the day after that Jabu comes back with a black eye again. \r\n\r\n\"My goodness Jabu, why the black eye again?\"\r\n\r\nHe tells her, \"Ma'am, Dad asked me again, 'Jabu are you sleeping?' and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started doing... you know...'it' on the bed. Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you coming?' then my mom says, 'Yes, I'm coming. Are you coming, too?' and my dad answered, 'Yes.'\r\n\r\n\"Not wanting to get left behind, I also answered and said, 'Wait for me, I'm also coming, let me just put on my shoes!'\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13841,
"title": "The Blackeye"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if all of your good clothes have come from cases of beer!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 13842,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if at your wedding your tux has a sign on the back that says \"sponsored by Bubba's Chicken and Waffles!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 13843,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck"
},
{
"body": "3 married women are sitting around chatting about their married life and eventually the subject of birth control comes up.\r\n\r\nThe 1st woman says, \"Well, we use condoms and they seem to work ok; we only have 3 children after 20 years of marriage.\"\r\n\r\nThe 2nd woman speaks up. \"We use the pill and it works really well; we only have 2 children after 20 years of marriage.\"\r\n\r\nThe 3rd woman finally speaks up and says, \"Well, we don't go for any of that fancy stuff; we use the bucket and saucer method and we don't have any children after 15 years of marriage and we have sex just about every day.\"\r\n\r\nThe 2 other women are shocked that someone could be married for 15 years and not use any conventional birth control and not have children so they ask the 3rd woman what the bucket and saucer method is so they can try it.\r\n\r\nThe 3rd woman says, \"Well, I am 6 feet tall and my husband is 5 foot 4, and every time we have sex we are standing up. Now, as he is so much shorter than me, he stands on a bucket while we are doing it and I look right into his eyes the whole time, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13844,
"title": "Bucket and Saucer"
},
{
"body": "A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with \"1 John 4:18\" which reads, \"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.\"\r\n \r\nThe bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake, \"John 4:18\" \r\n\r\n\"For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13845,
"title": "That Takes the Biscuit"
},
{
"body": "When the river runs red\r\nTake the dirt road instead!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13846,
"title": "Women's Time of the Month"
},
{
"body": "A man has been down on his luck and has not been with a woman for a very long time and to make matters worse he only has 2 dollars to his name.\r\n\r\nHe goes to a local brothel and asks the owner if he can have a good time there for 2 dollars.\r\n\r\n\"2 dollars, I don't think so, beat it!\" says the owner\r\n\r\nThe guy starts to cry and goes on to explain all that has been going on in his life.\r\n\r\nThe owner says \"ok buddy, give me the 2 dollars and go to the second floor 3rd door on the right\"\r\n\r\nThe man hands over his 2 dollars and goes to the room and when he enters the only thing in the room is a chicken. He ponders it for a bit looks around the room carefully to make sure no one is watching, once he finds out no one is watching he decides he is gong to have sex with the chicken. But alas as hard as he tries he can't catch the chicken and he finally gives up and leaves.\r\n\r\nA few months later the guys luck has turned around and he has a well paying job. He returns to the same brothel walks up to the owner, slaps $200 on the counter and says \"I want to the most fun your brothel has to offer\"\r\n\r\nThe owner takes the money and tells the guy to go to the trird floor third door on the right.\r\n\r\nThe guy takes off and runs up to the room and when he gets there all he sees is a circle of guys staring at a hole in the floor basically killing themselves laughing.\r\n\r\nThe guy walks over and asks one of the guys what's so funny.\r\n\r\nThe guy points at the hole in the floor almost unable to control his laughter he blurts out \"Look at that idiot down there trying to fuck that chicken!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13847,
"title": "A Good Time"
},
{
"body": "Man, your mom's like the UCLA; every year she gets beaten up by a lot of Trojans!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13849,
"title": "UCLA"
},
{
"body": "You mom's soooo stupid, she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13850,
"title": "STUUUUPID"
},
{
"body": "Walking past a veterinary clinic, a woman noticed a small boy and his dog waiting outside. \"Are you here to see Dr. Meyer?\" she asked.\r\n\"Yes,\" the boy said. \"I'm having my dog put in neutral.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13851,
"title": "Vet Visit"
},
{
"body": "We invite grandparents to a special day at our school, culminating in a photo op with grandparent and grandchild posing in front of a colorful display from a history class. Only after the last shot was snapped did we notice what appeared above each grandparent's head: a banner screaming,\r\n\"Discover the Ancient World.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13852,
"title": "Photo Op"
},
{
"body": "How Men Are Like Dogs\r\n\r\n* Both take up too much space on the bed\r\n\r\n* Both have irrational fears about vacuuming\r\n\r\n* Neither tells you what's bothering him\r\n\r\n* Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut\r\n\r\n* Neither understands what you see in cats",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13853,
"title": "How Men Are Like Dogs"
},
{
"body": "On a trip to see Santa, little Johnny climbed into St. Nick's lap and shared his wish list. Later that day, in another store, there was Santa again!\r\n\"And what would you like for Christmas?\" he asked little Johnny.\r\nShaking his head, Johnny sighed, \"You really need to write these things down.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13854,
"title": "Santy Claus"
},
{
"body": "Why was the little pointy-eared boy down in the dumps?\r\n\r\nHe had low elf-esteem.\r\n\r\n\r\nWhy does Santa Claus come down the chimney on Christmas Eve?\r\n\r\nBecause it soots him.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13855,
"title": "Christmas One Liners"
},
{
"body": "How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nTen. One to change the bulb, and nine to give him a boost.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 13856,
"title": "Elves"
},
{
"body": "Some people divorce for good reasons, some for bad. Then there are people who divorce for these reasons:\r\n\r\nA man from Conneticut filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read \"I won't be home when you return from work. Have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at seven o'clock on Channel 2.\"\r\n\r\nA housewife filed for divorce on the grounds that her husband was having an affair. The woman became suspicious when every time the phone rang, her myna bird spouted things like \"Divorce,\" \"I love you\" and \"Be patient.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13857,
"title": "Divorce Cases"
},
{
"body": "On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, \"Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?\"\r\nHe looked up. \"This IS your last day of skiing.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 13858,
"title": "Skiing"
},
{
"body": "A bicyclist came whizzing down a steep hill and smashed into a car as I stood there watching in horror. I ran over to see if I could help and discovered the wild rider was a friend of mine, an attorney.\r\nI knew he was going to be just fine when the first words out of his mouth were, \"Did the driver admit he was at fault?\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 13859,
"title": "Bicyclist"
},
{
"body": "When she put on makeup it's just like water, comes straight off.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13861,
"title": "Yo Momma So Ugly"
},
{
"body": "Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, \"Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine.\" \r\n\r\nSeveral people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said, \"I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently.\" \r\n\r\n\"Hmm?\" said the manager. \"And are you sure there is nothing you over-indulge in?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the man, \"I lie extensively.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13862,
"title": "Health Club"
},
{
"body": "HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE? \r\n\r\n\"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour.\" Wendy, age 8.\r\n\r\n\"Mooshy...like puppy dogs...except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much.\" Arnold, age 10.\r\n\r\n\"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark.\" Shem, age 8.\r\n\r\nCONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE\r\n\r\n\"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.\" Andrew, age 6.\r\n\r\nON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE\r\n\r\n\"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.\" John, age 9.\r\n\r\nREFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE\r\n\r\n\"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.\" Greg, age 8.\r\n\r\nCONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS\r\n\r\n\"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle some day and do the holy matchimony thing.\" John, age 9.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13863,
"title": "What Children Say V"
},
{
"body": "Signs of Aging\r\n\r\nEverything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.\r\n\r\nYou feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.\r\n\r\nYour little black book contains only names ending in M.D.\r\n\r\nYou get winded playing chess.\r\n\r\nYou're still chasing women but can't remember why.\r\n\r\nYou look forward to a dull evening.\r\n\r\nYour favorite part of the newspaper is \"25 Years Ago Today...\"\r\n\r\nYou turn out the light for economic reasons rather than \r\nromantic ones.\r\n\r\nYou sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.\r\n\r\nYour knees buckle, but your belt won't.\r\n\r\nYou regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13864,
"title": "Signs of Aging I"
},
{
"body": "Signs of Aging\r\n\r\nYou just can't stand people who are intolerant.\r\n\r\nThe best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.\r\n\r\nYou burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.\r\n\r\nYour pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.\r\n\r\nThe little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.\r\n\r\nYou have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.\r\n\r\nThe gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. \r\n\r\nYour children begin to look middle-aged. \r\n\r\nYou've finally reached the top of the ladder only to find it's leaning against the wrong wall. \r\n\r\nYour mind makes contracts your body can't keep. \r\n\r\nYou're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 96 around the golf course.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13865,
"title": "Signs of Aging II"
},
{
"body": "CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE\r\n\r\n\"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television.\" Jill, age 6.\r\n\r\n\"Love is foolish.....but I might try it sometime.\" Floyd, age 9.\r\n\r\n\"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place...we were behind a tree.\" Carey, age 7.\r\n\r\nTHE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER\r\n\r\n\"Sensitivity don't hurt.\" Robbie, age 8.\r\n\r\nSOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU\r\n\r\n\"Shake your hips and hope for the best.\" Camille, age 9.\r\n\r\n\"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there.\" Manuel, age 8.\r\n\r\nHOW CAN YOU TELL IF ADULTS EATING DINNER IN A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?\r\n\r\n\"Romantic adults are usually all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up.\" Sarah, age 9.\r\n\r\n\"See if the man has lipstick on his face.\" Sandra, age 7.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13866,
"title": "What Children Say VI"
},
{
"body": "I use to eat natural foods, but then I found out that 65% of all people die of natural causes.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13867,
"title": "Natural"
},
{
"body": "Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. \r\n\r\nThe family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. \r\n\r\nThe father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, \"For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13869,
"title": "Violin Practice"
},
{
"body": "The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, \"What'll you have?\" The guy answers, \"A scotch, please.\" The bartender hands him the drink, and says, \"That'll be five dollars,\" to which the guy replies, \"What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.\" \r\n\r\nA lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, \"You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, \"Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.\" \r\n\r\nThe next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, \"What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!\" \r\n\r\nThe guy says, \"What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!\" The bartender replies, \"I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.\" \r\n\r\nTo which the guy replies, \"Thank you. Make it a scotch.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 13870,
"title": "Free Drinks"
},
{
"body": "Sadly I will never be able to join a nudist colony..=[\r\n\r\nMy mother always told me not to point!! =]",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13871,
"title": "Nudist Colony"
},
{
"body": "This is a true story. Last year my teachers all believed in the, \"There is no stupid question\" thing, until we started talking about a three day trip our class was going to take. We had just finished talking about room arrangements.\r\n\r\nMy teacher asked for any questions, stating his famous line, \"There are no stupid questions.\" A girl raised her hand and asked, \"Are guys allowed to bunk with us?\"\r\n\r\nHe now has a new fave line, \"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13873,
"title": "Stupid"
},
{
"body": "1971. Tom Workman, former NBA-ABA basketball player: \"They tell you to join the NBA and see all the big cities: New York with all the lights, San Francisco with its nightlife, San Diego's sunshine. They also say join the ABA and see the U.S.A. Unfortunately, I found this included Steubenville, Ohio; Amarillo, Texas; Elko, Nevada; Cedar City, Utah; and Biloxi, Mississippi.\"\r\n\r\n1966. Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn't use a lonely end: \"We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown.\"\r\n\r\n1976. Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: \"It wasn't as easy as you think. It's hard to stay awake that long.\"\r\n\r\n1991. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: \"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.\"\r\n\r\n1986 Jeff Kemp, 49ers quarterback, when asked about his rapport with wide receiver Jerry Rice: \"Rapport? You mean like, 'You run as fast as you can, and I'll throw it as far as I can'?\"\r\n\r\n1966. Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked, during a question-and-answer session with a group of fans, how he pronounced his name: \"Tom.\"\r\n\r\n1976. Abe Lemons, University of Texas basketball coach, when asked if he felt his team should be ranked in the Top Twenty this season: \"You mean in the state?\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 13874,
"title": "Sportsmen Quotes II"
},
{
"body": "1986. Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: \"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.\"\r\n\r\n1991. Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: \"It's basically the same, just darker.\"\r\n\r\n1976. Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining his contractual obligations: \"They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free.\"\r\n\r\n1996. Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: \"I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot.\"\r\n\r\n1991. Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: \"He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not going to any more bowl games.'\"\r\n\r\n1986. LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: \"They can't fire me because my family buys so many tickets.\"\r\n\r\n1981. Dorothy Shula, on the career dedication of her husband, the Miami Dolphins' coach: \"I'm fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a way to preserve me until the season was over and he had time for a nice funeral.\"\r\n\r\n1976. Mike Newlin, Houston Rocket guard, after a game his team lost to the New York Nets: \"We were the quintessence of athletic atrocity.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 13875,
"title": "Sportsmen Quotes III"
},
{
"body": "1992. Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: \"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play.\"\r\n\r\n1996. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: \"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.\"\r\n\r\n1981. Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: \"He wants Texas back.\"\r\n\r\n1976. Alex Hawkins, recalling his playing days against Dick Butkus: \"Whenever they gave him the game ball, he ate it.\"\r\n\r\n1966. Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning: \"One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?\"\r\n\r\n1981. Mike McCormack , coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: \"I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time.\"\r\n\r\n1966. Red Auerbach, the Boston Celtics' general manager, asked if he had any criticism of Bill Russell's coaching: \"He has the players too happy.\"\r\n\r\n1971. Mike Lucci, Detroit Lion linebacker, on his three key interceptions against the Chicago Bears: \"Yeah, they gave me the game ball. If they hadn't given it to me, I would have taken it, anyway.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 13876,
"title": "Sportsmen Quotes IV"
},
{
"body": "As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.\r\n\r\nDuring jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.\r\n\r\n\"There may be,\" he replied. \"Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything.\"\r\n\r\nBoth were excused.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13877,
"title": "We, The Jury . ."
},
{
"body": "The musician Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a British radio show, and the liberal presenter was giving him a hard time about being a deer hunter.\r\n\r\n\"What do you think is going through that deer's head when you kill it?\" she asks. \"Don't you think it is wondering what it ever did to harm you, and why you are being so cruel?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" replied Nugent, \"I don't think their thoughts are that complex. A deer only wonders when it will eat next, when it will have sex next, and if it is fast enough to run away from whoever would harm it. In that way, they really aren't much different from the French.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13878,
"title": "Deer and the French"
},
{
"body": "Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a very tiny mini skirt.\r\n\r\nDespite his efforts he can't stop looking at her thighs. To his delight he discovers that she is wearing no underwear.\r\n\r\nThe blonde suddenly notices that he is looking and asks, \"Are you looking at my p*ssy?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I am so sorry! I just couldn't help myself. I will stop right away.\"\r\n\r\nAfter a while he starts to look again. \r\n\r\n\"Are you looking again?\" the blonde asks.\r\n\r\n\"I am so sorry, I just can't stop!\" he says.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, it's okay. It's quite talented, watch!\" the blonde says.\r\n\r\nAs the man is watching it blows a kiss at him!\r\n\r\n\"What else can it do?\" he asks.\r\n\r\n\"It can also wink at you,\" she says. The man stares in disbelief as it winks at him.\r\n\r\n\"Come and sit next to me.\" As the man sits down she asks him if he would like to stick two fingers in it?\r\n\r\nThen the man says, \"Why, can it whistle too?\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13882,
"title": "Mini Skirt"
},
{
"body": "How do you know if a family tree is a redneck's?\r\n\r\n\r\nThe family tree goes straight down.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 13883,
"title": "Family Tree"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so old, she doesn't need a history book.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13887,
"title": "This One's Good..."
},
{
"body": "What was the last thing NASA heard before apollo 13 crashed?\r\n\r\nLet her drive.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13893,
"title": "Apollo 13"
},
{
"body": "Policeman: \"Lady, I'm arresting you for prostitution.\"\r\nWoman: \"I'm not selling sex, I'm selling condoms with a free demonstration.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13901,
"title": "Demo"
},
{
"body": "You are a big animal that is big.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13903,
"title": "A GOOD TITLE"
},
{
"body": "Q. how long does it take for a man to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\n\r\nA. 5 mins. 20 secs.\r\n1 min to get a lightbulb\r\n1 min to try and change it\r\n1 min to swear because he can't do it\r\n1 min to find a woman\r\n20 secs. for her to change it\r\n1 min for him to cry and gripe about it.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 13914,
"title": "How Long"
},
{
"body": "A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.\r\n\r\nThe group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks.\r\n\r\nTo their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.\r\n\r\n\"Now see here,\" the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. \"Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, sir,\" replied the waiter, \"yesterday you were sitting by the window.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13915,
"title": "Great Steaks"
},
{
"body": "My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.\r\n\r\nHello! You've reached Jim and Cathy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.\" \r\n\r\nThese words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep. \r\n\r\nNow I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape! \r\n\r\nHello, this is Jack. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.\r\n\r\nYou have reached 555-6238. Why did you call? \r\n\r\nThis is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when. \r\n\r\nYou have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the new millennium. You know what to do. \r\n\r\nSurprisingly, you have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep. \r\n\r\nThis is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway.\r\n\r\nSo long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee. \r\n\r\nThis is 234-3249, and no, it's not Tony's Pizza. It's not the beauty shop either, and no one named Pamela lives here. You can leave a message though. \r\n\r\nHi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Leave your message.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13916,
"title": "Answering Machine"
},
{
"body": "Dear God,\r\nIf we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Denise\r\n\r\nDear God,\r\nYou don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Dean\r\n\r\nDear God,\r\nI think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Elliot\r\n\r\nDear God,\r\nOf all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Rob\r\n\r\nDear God,\r\nMy brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Marsha",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13924,
"title": "What Children Say VII"
},
{
"body": "Dear God,\r\nThe bad people laughed at Noah - \"You made an ark on dry land, you fool\". But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Eddie\r\n\r\nDear God,\r\nI do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are God already. \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Charles\r\n\r\nDear God,\r\nI didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool! \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Eugene\r\n\r\nDear God,\r\nIn Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Jane\r\n\r\nDear God,\r\nI read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Allison\r\n\r\nDear God,\r\nAre you really invisible or is that a trick? \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Lucy",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13925,
"title": "What Children Say VIII"
},
{
"body": "The Declarizzle of Independence of tha Thirteen Colonies \r\nIn CONGRESS, July 4, 1776 \r\n\r\nThe unanimous Declarizzles of tha thirteen united States of America, \r\n\r\nW-H-to-tha-izzen in tha Course of human events, it becomes necessary fo` one thugz ta Dissolve tha politizzles bands which hizzle connected thizzem wit motherfucka n ta Assume among tha powa of tha earth, tha separate n equal station ta whizzay The Laws of Nature n of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect ta tha Opinions of mankind requires that tizzle should declare tha causes which impel Them ta tha separizzles. \r\n\r\nWe hold these truths ta be self-evizzles that all men is created equal, that They is endowed by they Creator wit certain unalienable Rights, that among These is Life, Liberty n tha pursuit of Happiness. --That ta secure these Rights, Governments is instituted among Men, deriv'n they jizzle pusha fizzy The consent of tha governed, --That wheneva any Form of Government becomes Destructive of these ends, it is tha Right of tha People ta alta or ta abolish It, n ta institute new Government, lay'n its foundation on siznuch principles And organiz'n its powa in such fizzorm, as ta T-H-to-tha-izzem shall seem mizzle likely ta Effect they Safety n Happiness like a tru playa'. Prudence, indeed, wiznill dictate thizzay Governments long established should not be changed fo` light n transient Causes; n accordingly all experience hath shewn, thiznat mankind is mizzy Disposed ta suffa, while evils is sufferizzles T-H-to-tha-izzan ta rizzay themselves by Ridin' tha forms ta whiznich tizzle is accustomed. But W-H-to-tha-izzen a long train of Abuses n usurpations, pursu'n invariably tha same Object evinces a design ta Reduce them unda absolute Despotism, it is they right, it is they duty, ta Throw off S-to-tha-izzuch Government, n ta provide new Guards fo` they future security . Freak y'all, into the beat y'all. \u00e2\u0080\u0094Such . Freak y'all, into the beat y'all. Has bizzle tha patient sufferance of these Colonies; n such is now tha necessity Which constrains them ta brotha they poser Systems of Government crazy up in here. The history Izzay tha present King of Great Britain [George III] is a history of repeated Injuries n usurpations, all hav'n in direct object tha establishment of an Absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove thizzay let Facts be submitted ta a Candid world . Boo-Yaa!. \r\n\r\nHe has refused his Assent ta Laws, tha mizzle wholesome n necessary fo` tha Public good. \r\n\r\nHe has forbidden his Governors ta pass Laws of immediate n doggy stylin' importance, Unless suspended in they operation T-to-tha-izzill his Assent should be obtained; n wizzle So suspended, he has utterly neglected ta attend ta them. \r\n\r\nHe has refused ta pass otha Laws fo` tha accommizzles of large districts of People, unless those thugz would relinquish tha R-to-tha-izzight of Representizzles in tha Legislatizzle a right inestimable ta tizzle n formidable ta tyrants only. \r\n\r\nHe has called brotha legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfizzles n Distant fizzy tha depository of they public Records, fo` tha sole purpose of Blunt-rollin' them into compliance wit his measures in tha dogg pound. \r\n\r\nHe has dissolved Representative Houses repeatizzles fo` oppos'n wit manly Firmness his invasions on tha rights of tha people . Boom bam as I step in the jam, God damn. \r\n\r\nHe has refused fo` a long time, nigga S-to-tha-izzuch dissolizzles ta cause drug deala ta be Elected; whereby tha Legislative powa, incapable of Annihilizzle have Returned ta tha People at large fo` they exercise; tha State remain'n in tha Mean time exposed ta all tha danga of invasion F-R-to-tha-izzom witout, n convulsions Witin. \r\n\r\nHe has endeavoured ta prevent tha populizzles of these States; fo` that purpose Sippin' tha Laws fo` Naturalizizzles of Wanna Be Gangsta refus'n ta pass otha To encourage they migrations hitha, n rais'n tha conditions of new Appropriations of Lands so bow down to the bow wow. \r\n\r\nHe has obstructed tha Administrizzles of Justice, by refus'n his Assent ta Laws For frontin' Judiciary brotha . You gotta check dis shit out yo. \r\n\r\nHe has made Judges dependent on his Wizzy alone, fo` tha tenure of they offices, And tha amount n payment of they salaries like old skool shit. \r\n\r\nHe has erected a multitude of New Offices, n sent hitha swarms of Pusha ta Harass our people, n eat out they substance. \r\n\r\nHe has kizzy among us, in times of peace, Stand'n Armies witout tha consent of Our legislatizzles but real niggaz don't give a fuck. \r\n\r\nHe has affected ta renda tha Military independent of n superior ta tha Civil Powa. \r\n\r\nHe has combined wit otha ta subject us ta a jurisdizzles foreign ta our Constitizzle n unacknowledged by our laws; giv'n his Assent ta they Acts of Pretended Legislizzles . know what im sayin?: \r\n\r\nFor Quarter'n large bodies of armed troops among us: \r\n\r\nFor protect'n thiznem, by a M-to-tha-izzock Trial, F-R-to-tha-izzom punishment fo` any Brotha whizzich they Should commit on tha Inhabitants of these States droppin hits: \r\n\r\nFor bustin' off our Trade wit all parts of tha world: \r\n\r\nFor frontin' Taxes on us witout our Consent: \r\n\r\nFor depriv'n us, in many cases, of tha benefits of Trial by Jury: \r\n\r\nFor transport'n us beyond Seas ta be tried fo` pretended offences: \r\n\r\nFor spendin' tha free System of English Laws in a saggin' Province, Establish'n therein an Arbitrary government, n enlarg'n its Boundaries so as To pimp it at once an example n fit instrument fo` introduc'n tha same Absolute rule into these Colonies: \r\n\r\nFor tak'n away our Charta, bustin' our most valuable Laws, n alter'n Fundamentally tha Forms of our Governments: \r\n\r\nFor gang bangin' our own Legislatizzle n declar'n themselves invested wit Powa ta legislate fo` us in all cases whatsoeva. \r\n\r\nHe has abdicated Government here, by declar'n us out of his Protection n Wag'n War against us. \r\n\r\nHe has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, bizzurnt our towns, n destroyed The lives of our people. \r\n\r\nHe is at this time sippin' large Armies of foreign Mercenizzles ta compleat The works of death, desolizzles n tyranny, already begun wit circumstizzles of Cruelty n perfidy scarcely paralleled in tha most barbarous ages, n totally Unworthy tha Heezee of a civilized nation. \r\n\r\nHe has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on tha hizzle Seas ta bear Arms against they Country, ta become tha hustla of they niggaz n Brethren, or ta fall themselves by they Hands . Boo-Yaa!. \r\n\r\nHe has stoked domestic insurrections amongst us, n has endeavoured ta bring -to-tha-izzon tha inhabitants of our frontia, tha merciless Indian Savages, whose kniznown Rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes n Conditions , ya feel me?. \r\n\r\nIn every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned fo` Redress in tha mizzy Humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have bizzy answered only by repeated injury. Izzy Prince whose shot calla is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, Is unfit ta be tha nigga of a free people straight from long beach nigga. \r\n\r\nNor have We bizzle want'n in attentions ta our British brethren. We have warned Them frizzay time ta time of attempts by they legislature ta extend an Unwarrantable jurisdizzles over us. We have reminded T-H-to-tha-izzem of tha circumstizzles Iznof our emigration n settlement hizzle paper'd up. We have appealed ta they native justice And magnanimizzle n we hizzy conjured tizzle by tha ties of our common kindred ta Disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections n Correspondence. They too hizzle bizzle deaf ta tha voice of justice n of Consanguinity. We mizzay therefizzles acquiesce in tha necessizzle which denounces Our Separizzles n hold thiznem, as we hold tha rest of mankind, Enemies in W-to-tha-izzar, Iznin Peace Friends bitch ass nigga. \r\n\r\nWe, therefizzle tha Representatizzles of tha united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appeal'n ta tha Supreme Judge of tha world fo` tha Rectitude of our intentions, do, in tha Name, n by tha Authority of tha good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish n declare, That these United Colonies are, n of Right ought ta be Free n Independent States; tizzy tizzle Are Absolved from all Allegiance ta tha British Crown, n that all politizzles Connection between tizzy n tha State of Great Britain, is n ought ta be Totally dissolved; n that as Free n Independent States, they have F-to-tha-izzull Powa To levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, n ta do All otha Acts n Dippin' which Independent States may of R-to-tha-izzight do. And fo` tha Support of this Declarizzles wit a fizzay reliance on tha protection of divine Providizzle we mutually pledge ta each brotha our Lives, our Fortunes n our Sacred Honor . Tru niggaz do niggaz. \r\n\r\nThe signa of tha Declarizzle represented tha new states as follows: \r\n\r\nNew Hampshire \r\nJosiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton \r\n\r\nMassachizzles\r\nJizzay Hancock, Samuel Adams, J-to-tha-izzohn Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry \r\n\r\nRhode Island \r\nStephen Hopkins, William Ellery \r\n\r\nConnectizzle\r\nRoga Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliva Wolcott \r\n\r\nNew York \r\nWilliam Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris \r\n\r\nNew Jersey \r\nRichard Stockton, Jizzle Witerspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark \r\n\r\nPennsylvania\r\nRobert Morris, Benjamin R-to-tha-izzush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clyma, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross \r\n\r\nDelaware\r\nCaesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean \r\n\r\nMaryland\r\nSamuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton \r\n\r\nVirginia\r\nGeorge Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jizzle Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carta Braxton \r\n\r\nN-to-tha-izzorth Carolina \r\nWilliam Baller Joseph Hewes, Jizzohn Pizzle \r\n\r\nSouth Carolina \r\nEdward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton \r\n\r\nGeorgia\r\nButton Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 13927,
"title": "The Declarizzle of Independence of Tha Thirteen Colonies"
},
{
"body": "What's worse than 10 babies in one dumpster?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n1 baby in 10 dumpsters.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13928,
"title": "Dumpster"
},
{
"body": "How do you keep a Michigan State Player out of your yard?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nSet up a goal post.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13932,
"title": "Michigan/Michigan State"
},
{
"body": "byuuyntfifgjrfnbrft9tn\r\n\r\n\r\n...told you so.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13937,
"title": "Nonsense - Do NOT read this joke!"
},
{
"body": "How do you confuse an Irishman?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nLine 4 shovels up against a wall and tell him to take his pick.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13939,
"title": "Irish"
},
{
"body": "Why did the Irish people jump on the bartender?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nHe said, \"The drinks are on me.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 13940,
"title": "Irish 2"
},
{
"body": "4 Mexicans are in a car. Who is driving?\r\nA policeman.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a bunch of Mexicans running down a hill?\r\nJailbreak.\r\n\r\nThere is a Mexican, a French, a Italian, and an American. Their boat was getting too heavy so they decided to throw off some cargo. The Frenchmen tossed off a bottle of wine. All the others yelled, \"What are you doing?\"\r\nHe replied, \"We have too many of these in our country.\"\r\nNext, the Italian threw off a pizza. All the others yelled, \"What are you doing?\" \r\nHe replied, \"We got too many of these in our country.\"\r\nAfter that the Mexican threw off a bunch of tacos. All the others yelled, \"What are you doing?\"\r\nHe replied, \"We have too many of these in our country.\"\r\nFinally, the American had a turn to throw of some cargo. He threw off the Mexican. All the others yelled, \"What are you doing?\"\r\nHe replied, \"We have too many of those in our country.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13941,
"title": "Mexican Jokes"
},
{
"body": "A little girl went into the barber shop to get a haircut. When the barber was cutting her hair he realized she was eating a little debbie snack. He said, \"Sweetie, you're going to get hair on your twinkie.\"\r\nThe little girl answered, \"I know, and I'm going to get boobs, too.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13942,
"title": "Things Kids Still Say"
},
{
"body": "A pregnant woman was taking a shower and her three year old daughter said,\"Mommy, you're getting fat!\"And the mother replied,\"That because a baby is growing in my tummy.\"To which the daughter said,\"Yeah,but what's growing in you butt?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13944,
"title": "Kids Things Still Say 2"
},
{
"body": "Three men were engineers checking a bridge when out of nowhere this masked man pointed a gun at them and said ,\"If you want to live,you'll jump off the bridge and you'll survive.\"Well,the gunman turned around to take his mask off and when he turned around the engineers saw it was a construction worker.\"April Fools!\"he yelled out as water shot out from the\"gun\".The first engineer looked at him and said,\"Tell that to the man who jumped when you had turned around.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13946,
"title": "April Fools"
},
{
"body": "One day a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, \"Do you have any corn?\" and the bartender says, \"No, we only sell beer.\"\r\nThe next day the man walks into the bar again and asks for corn but this time the bartender says, \"Hey, you are the guy that asked for corn yesterday? If you ask for corn one more time i will nail you to the wall!\"\r\nThe next day the man goes into the bar again and asks, \"Do you have any nails?\" and the bartender says, \"No,\" so the man says, \"Do you have any corn?\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 13949,
"title": "Do You Have Any Corn?"
},
{
"body": "One day there were 3 children that were sent to the head of the school's office. Their names were Fly, Dick and Piss. When they got there, no one was there so Fly hid on the desk, Dick hid under the desk and Piss started to jump around. When the head of the school got there he said \"Fly down, Dick up and Piss on the floor!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13950,
"title": "You are in Trouble"
},
{
"body": "FLATTERY - What your kid does when they want something.\r\n\r\nEAT VEGETABLES - What your kid does when they want dessert. Usually.\r\n\r\nBEG, CRY, or WHINE - What your kid does when they want something you don't want to give them.\r\n\r\nCALL - What your kid does when they get a good grade.\r\n\r\n\"FORGET\" TO CALL - What your kid does when they do NOT get a good grade.\r\n\r\nBRUSH TEETH - What your kid promises to do so you will let them eat candy. And then they forget.\r\n\r\nDRINK MILK - What your kid does after they heat it up and add hot chocolate powder.\r\n\r\nSPILL WATER - What your kid does when they want to drink soda instead.\r\n\r\nDROP THEIR LUNCH - What your kid does when they don't like what you made for them.\r\n\r\nPRETEND TO SLEEP - What your kid does when they don't want to talk.\r\n\r\nREAD - What your kid does when you buy them a new comic book.\r\n\r\nDO HOMEWORK - What your kid does only when you yell at them.\r\n\r\nUSE THE COMPUTER - What your kid does, all the time.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13953,
"title": "What Your Kid Does..."
},
{
"body": "There are three men a plane; an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman.\r\nWhen each of them flew over their country they dropped an item.\r\nWhen the plane flew over England, the Englishman dropped a rose; when the plane flew over Scotland, the Scotsman dropped a thistle, and finally, when the plane flew over Ireland, the Irishman dropped a bomb.(Yes, Irishmen are crazy!)\r\n They then flew over all the countries again, but passing by where they dropped the items.\r\n In England the rose had dropped in a bus station and a woman was weeping.\r\nThey asked, \"Woman, why are you weeping?\" She said in reply, \"Well, the Lord sent me a rose but I'm allergic to them.\"\r\nNext, they journeyed over to Scotland. In Scotland also the thistle had dropped in a bus station.\r\n In the station a man was screaming and yelling. They asked the man, \"Man, why are you yelling?\" He answered, \"Well, a thistle fell from the sky, but it landed in my eye!\" \r\nFinally they went over to the mystic place called Ireland. The bomb had also landed in a bus station. They go in and a little boy is laughing.\r\nThey ask him, \"Boy, why are you laughing?\" \r\n\r\nHe said in between giggles, \"I farted and the guy behind me blew up.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13954,
"title": "Three Men in A Plane"
},
{
"body": "This is a fun way to irritate your friends and family on your answering machine!\r\n\r\nOn your answering machine -\r\n\r\n\"Hello?\" pause, \"What's up?\" pause again, \"Oh, well you must feel pretty stupid right now because you're talking to my answering machine! So leave a message!\" Beep.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13955,
"title": "Hey!"
},
{
"body": "Four-year-old Robert tells his kindergarten teacher that he has a new baby brother, called Spot.\r\n\r\n\"Spot?\" says the teacher. \"Are you sure it's not a puppy your Dad bought you?\"\r\n\r\nRobert was adamant that his brother's name was Spot - until next morning, when he issued a correction.\r\n\r\n\"Actually, it's Mark.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13958,
"title": "The New Brother"
},
{
"body": "Speak your mind out when you're angry. You'll make the best speech you'll ever live to regret.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 13962,
"title": "Public Speaking"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock?\r\n\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\n\r\nMadame.\r\n\r\n\r\nMadame who?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nMadame foot is stuck in the door!!\r\n(My damn foot is stuck in the door.)",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 13963,
"title": "Madame"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock.\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nCows.\r\n\r\nCows who?\r\n\r\nNo, owls hoo, cows moo.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 13964,
"title": "Kinda Like Cow or Owl By 5600113"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so ugly when i punch her she looks better than before.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13965,
"title": "Punch"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat that when I take a picture of her and hang it on the wall, it still falls down!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 13968,
"title": "Picture"
},
{
"body": "What did Margie say about her brain surgeon?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\"I really gave him a piece of my mind!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13972,
"title": "Brain Surgeon"
},
{
"body": "Why should you look out for a pig that knows karate?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIt might give you a pork chop!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13973,
"title": "Karate Pig"
},
{
"body": "Movie stars are a reel treat!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13974,
"title": "Movie Stars"
},
{
"body": "How did Alfo make a quart of juice from 3 oranges?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIt was a tight squeeze.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13975,
"title": "Oranges"
},
{
"body": "Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, \"Your mom's the best lay in town.\" \r\n\r\nEveryone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and stands at the far end of the bar. \r\n\r\nTen minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, \"I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!\" \r\n\r\nAgain the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. \r\n\r\nTen minutes later he comes back and announces, \"Your mom even let me...\" \r\n\r\nFinally the guy interrupts: \"Go home Dad, you're drunk!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 13977,
"title": "Mom"
},
{
"body": "This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor. \r\nThe old man asks, \"Why are you going to sleep on the floor?\" \r\n\r\nThe old woman says, \"Because I want to feel something hard for a change.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13978,
"title": "Old Couple"
},
{
"body": "It's more fun to color outside the lines.\r\n\r\nIf you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.\r\n\r\nAsk why until you understand.\r\n\r\nEven if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.\r\n\r\nMake up the rules as you go along.\r\n\r\nIt doesn't matter who started it.\r\n\r\nAsk for sprinkles.\r\n\r\nIf the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.\r\n\r\nSave a place in line for your friends.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13979,
"title": "Really Important Stuff Kids Have Taught Me I"
},
{
"body": "Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished \r\nstudying.\r\n\r\nIf you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.\r\n\r\nPicking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.\r\n\r\nJust keep banging until someone opens the door.\r\n\r\nMaking your bed is a waste of time.\r\n\r\nThere is no good reason why clothes have to match.\r\n\r\nEven Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.\r\n\r\nYou work so hard pedalling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.\r\n\r\nYou can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13980,
"title": "Really Important Stuff Kids Have Taught Me II"
},
{
"body": "Many many years ago when I was twenty three,\r\nI got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be.\r\nThis widow had a grown up daughter,\r\nWho had hair of red.\r\nMy father fell in love with her,\r\nAnd soon the two were wed.\r\n\r\nThis made my dad my son-in-law,\r\nAnd changed my very life;\r\nMy daughter was my mother,\r\nFor she was my father's wife.\r\n\r\nTo complicate the matters worse,\r\nAlthough it brought me pride and joy,\r\nI soon became the father\r\nOf a bouncing baby boy.\r\n\r\nMy little baby then became\r\nA brother-in-law to dad\r\nAnd so became my uncle,\r\nThough it made me very sad.\r\n\r\nFor if he is my uncle,\r\nThen that also made him brother\r\nTo the widow's grown up daughter\r\nWho, of course, was my step mother.\r\n\r\nFather's wife then had a son,\r\nWho kept them on the run.\r\nAnd he became my grandson,\r\nFor he was my daughter's son.\r\n\r\nMy wife is now my mother's mother\r\nAnd it makes me very blue.\r\nBecause, although she is my wife,\r\nShe is my grandmother too.\r\n\r\nIf my wife is my grandmother,\r\nThen I am her grandchild.\r\nAnd every time I think of it,\r\nIt simply drives me wild.\r\n\r\nFor now I have become\r\nThe strangest case you ever saw.\r\nAs the husband of my grandmother,\r\nI am my own GRANDPA!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13981,
"title": "Irregular Family Tree"
},
{
"body": "In Clinton, Alabama, it is illegal to molest your automobile.\r\n\r\nNow how would you go about doing that? And how would your automobile testify against you?",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 13982,
"title": "Just One of Many Stupid Laws. . ."
},
{
"body": "What do you get when the post office burns down?\r\n\r\nA case of black mail.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13983,
"title": "Post Office"
},
{
"body": "1) In Illinois, it is illegal to speak English. Well then, what do they speak? Gibberish? \r\n\r\n2) In Crete, Illinois, it is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with someone else's dog. First of all, why would anybody attempt to even have sex with a dog? Second of all, is it okay to attempt to have sex with your own dog?\r\n\r\n\r\nAnd finally, my favorite one of all. . .\r\n\r\n3)In New York, the penalty for jumping off a building is death. Duh! No, we're all going to magically survive a 50 story drop to the concrete below.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 13984,
"title": "More Stupid Laws. . ."
},
{
"body": "What do Gorillas Sleep on in fruit orchards?\r\n\r\nApricots.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13985,
"title": "Gorillas"
},
{
"body": "Why does Tommy run around the school track 98 times every day?\r\n\r\nHe has a run track mind.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13986,
"title": "Jogging"
},
{
"body": "How does a rodeo star get around?\r\n\r\nWith a cattle-act.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13987,
"title": "Rodeo Star"
},
{
"body": "What happened when Ray Johnson fell off the Empire State Building?\r\n\r\nNow everyone calls him x-ray.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13988,
"title": "Empire State Building"
},
{
"body": "Why did the Quiz Show give away $10,000 plus one banana?\r\n\r\nThey wanted the prize to have appeal.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 13989,
"title": "Quiz Show"
},
{
"body": "Woman's guide to sex:\r\n\r\nLay there and pretend to enjoy the experience and when it is done tell your partner it was the best you ever had.\r\n\r\nMan's guide to sex\"\r\n\r\nIn, Out repeat if necessary!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13991,
"title": "Guide to Sex"
},
{
"body": "A couple are getting married in a big fancy church with all of the relatives and friends in attendance.\r\nThe priest is going through the nomal procedure and when he comes to the part \"If anyone objects to the union of these two people in Holy Matrimony let them speak now or for ever hold their peace\".\r\nA redneck in the back row jumps up and hollers \"I object, I am in love with her and she's carrying my baby!\"\r\nAs the gathering gasps in surprise the redneck runs up the aisle, shoves the groom aside and rips off the brides veil.\r\nAfter a moment of silence the redneck exclaims, \"Hey you ain't my sister!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 13992,
"title": "Wedding Ceremony"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?\r\nJohn: You told me to do it without using tables.\r\n __________________________________________\r\nTeacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?\r\nGlen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.\r\n _______________________________________\r\nTeacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?\r\nSimon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.\r\n ______________________________\r\nTeacher: Clyde, your composition on \"My Dog\" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?\r\nClyde: No, teacher, it's the same dog.\r\n ___________________________________\r\nTeacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?\r\nHarold: A teacher",
"category": "Children",
"id": 13993,
"title": "North America"
},
{
"body": "What did the penis say to the condom?\r\n\r\nCover me I'm going in!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 13995,
"title": "The Penis and the Condom"
},
{
"body": "Two gay guys are having sex.\r\n\r\nThe penis says to the asshole \"you think you have it bad, I'm up to my nuts in shit over here!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 13996,
"title": "You Think You Have it Bad"
},
{
"body": "After everything I say I want you to say \"I am a Man.\"\r\n\r\nYou go to a bar.\r\nI am a man\r\nYou see a girl and go meet her\r\nI am a man\r\nYou take her home\r\nI am a man\r\nYou get in bed with her\r\nI am a man\r\nShe whispers in you ear\r\nI am a man\r\n\r\n(This is very funny when saying it out loud with a friend. Instruct them to say \"I am a man.\" after each line you say.)",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 13997,
"title": "Try This on Your Friends."
},
{
"body": "How does the butcher introduce his wife\r\n\r\nMeat Patty",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14000,
"title": "Meat"
},
{
"body": "One night at a bar a guy and a woman happen to meet. The woman confides, \"I was recently divorced, I'm embarrassed to say, but it's because my husband said I was too kinky.\"\r\nThe guy gasps and says, \"I am also recently divorced, and my wife complained I was too kinky.\"\r\n\r\nThe woman says, \"Look, we're both adults and I think we both know why we came here to this bar, let's just cut to it. I don't live too far away, let's go back to my apartment and get kinky.\"\r\n\r\nThe guy quickly agrees and off to the apartment they go. Upon arriving at the apartment the woman says, \"I want to go to the bedroom and get into something special, I won't be long.\" She goes to the bedroom and begins undressing, slowly she slips into a leather bra and corset. Then she reaches under the bed for a riding crop. From the nightstand she grabs two bottles of lotion and some fluffy hand-cuffs. When she opens the door she notices the guy is grabbing his coat and leaving.\r\n\"Where are you going? I thought we were about to get kinky.\" She asks.\r\n\"Look lady, I already f***ed your dog and s**t in your purse, I?m outta here.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14002,
"title": "Definition of Kinky"
},
{
"body": "* You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, \"We aren't in, leave a message.\" That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. Ipledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...\r\n\r\n* (Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.\r\n\r\n* You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in \"as-is\" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.\r\n\r\n* (In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...\r\n\r\n* Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.\r\n\r\n* Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.\r\n\r\n* Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.\r\n\r\n* Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.\r\n\r\n* You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.\r\n\r\n* As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...\r\n\r\n* I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.\r\n\r\n* I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14003,
"title": "Some More Answering Machine Jokes"
},
{
"body": "One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.\r\n\r\nAfter the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. \r\n\r\nA very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. \r\n\r\nHer eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, \"I'll take him and him and him.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 14010,
"title": "Three Hymns"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is like a TV; Even a 4 year old could turn her on.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14011,
"title": "Yo Momma!"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so poor she found a ciagarette on the ground and said, \"Honey, we got a fire tonight!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14012,
"title": "Yo Momma!"
},
{
"body": "One day a blonde and her boyfriend went to a car store. He asks her what car she wants but she says, \"I dunno.\"\r\nSo he takes her around to all the car shops and she says, \"I want the BMW.\"\r\nHe asks her why she wants a BMW and she says, \"Because I dunno how to spell the other brands!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14015,
"title": "Cars"
},
{
"body": "You are not as stupid as you look. That would be impossible.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 14018,
"title": "Ugly?"
},
{
"body": "\"What shall we play today?\" Cori asked her best friend Judy.\r\n\r\n\"Let's play 'school'!\" said Judy.\r\n\r\n\"Okay,\" said Cori, \"But I'm going to be absent.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14019,
"title": "Playing School"
},
{
"body": "A blonde and a brunette have been fighting for over an hour about the sun.\r\n\r\nThe brunette yells,\"THE SUN IS A STAR!!!\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde yells,\"NO IT'S EVERYONE IN THE WORLD'S FARTS!\"\r\n\r\nThe brunette says to the blonde,\"Girl, you couldn't play any stupider!\"\r\n\r\nShocked, the blonde says in reply,\"Who's playing?\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 14023,
"title": "Disagreements..."
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so old, she was at the afterparty when Moses brought down the Ten Commandments.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14025,
"title": "Yo Momma So Old"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so stupid, when Moses brought down the Ten Commandments, she said, \"Where's the ketchup?\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nHINT:commandments\r\n condiments",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14026,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "This guy comes walking out of a store carrying a big grandfather's clock. A drunk man bumps into him and the guy drops the clock and smashes it all to hell.\r\nThe guy says, \"Why don't you watch where you're going?\" and the drunk says, \"Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14027,
"title": "Clocks"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so ugly, she walks down the street and a little boy says,\"look Mommy, there's Shrek!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14028,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "\"Sixty is the worst age to be,\" said the 60 year-old man. \"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing happens.\"\r\n \r\n\"Ah, that's nothin,\" said the 70-year-old. \"When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.\"\r\n \r\n\"Actually,\" said the 80-year-old, \"Eighty is the worst age of all.\"\r\n \r\n\"Do you have trouble peeing, too?\" asked the 60-year old.\r\n \r\n\"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.\"\r\n\r\n\"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?\"\r\n\r\n\"No, I have one every morning at 6:30.\"\r\n \r\nExasperated, the 60-year-old said, \"You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't wake up till 7:00.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14030,
"title": "Worst Age"
},
{
"body": "I asked the Lord to tell me \r\nWhy my house is such a mess. \r\nHe asked if I'd been 'computering', \r\nAnd I had to answer, \"yes.\"\r\n\r\nHe told me to get off my fanny \r\nAnd tidy up the house. \r\nAnd so I started cleaning up... \r\nThe smudges off my mouse. \r\n\r\nI wiped and shone the topside. \r\nThat really did the trick... \r\nI was just admiring my work... \r\nI didn't mean to 'click.'\r\n\r\nBut click, I did, and oops I found \r\nA real absorbing site \r\nThat I got SO way into... \r\nI was into it all night.<<Sigh>> \r\n\r\nNothing's changed except my mouse \r\nIt's very, very shiny. \r\nI guess my house will stay a mess... \r\nWhile I sit here on my hiney.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14032,
"title": "Cleaning Poem"
},
{
"body": "A few decades from now, George Bush will die (everyone dies eventually). He goes up to Heaven where he sees a bunch of clocks, and he asks God what the clocks do. \r\n\"These clocks go forward one minute each time the person tells a lie.\"\r\n\r\nBush looks for his clock.\r\n\r\n\"Where's mine?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, that one? I use that as a ceiling fan.\"\r\n\r\n\"WHAT?\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14033,
"title": "George Bush - Liar?"
},
{
"body": "A guy in a restaurant says to the waitress, \"I want a cup of coffee without cream.\"\r\n\r\nThe waitress comes back a few minutes later and says, \"I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14034,
"title": "Creamy!"
},
{
"body": "Think before you speak...\r\n\r\nHere are six reasons why you should think before you speak -\r\nthe last one is great!\r\n\r\nHave you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back, or that you could crawl into a hole? \r\n\r\nHere are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... \r\n\r\nFIRST TESTIMONY: \r\n\r\nI walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, \"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?\"\r\nI turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. \r\n\r\nSECOND TESTIMONY: \r\n\r\nI was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. \r\nWithout thinking, I looked at him and said, \"I think I like playing with men's balls.\"\r\n\r\nTHIRD TESTIMONY:\r\n\r\nMy sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. \r\nAs we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. \r\nI replied, \"No, I'm just looking at your nuts.\" \r\nMy sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, \r\nmy sister has never let me forget. \r\n\r\nFOURTH TESTIMONY:\r\n\r\nWhile in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust \r\nand annoyance from other patrons.\r\nI told her that if she did not start behaving \"right now\" she would be punished. \r\nTo my horror, she said in a voice just as threatening, \"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!\"\r\nThe silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. \r\nEven the tellers stopped what they were doing. \r\nI mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when \r\nthe door closed behind me, was screams of laughter. \r\n\r\nFIFTH TESTIMONY:\r\n\r\nHave you ever asked your child a question too many times?\r\nMy three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. \r\nIt was very busy, with a full dining room. \r\nWhile enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. \r\nThe realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said \"No\". \r\nI kept thinking \"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.\" \r\nThen I said, \"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?\" \"No,\" he replied. \r\nI just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.\r\nSoooooo, I asked one more time, \"Danny, did you have an accident?\"\r\nThis time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, \r\nspread his cheeks and yelled \"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS\" \r\nWhile 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. \r\nAn old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!\r\n\r\nLAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: \r\n\r\nThis had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.\r\nWhat happens when you predict snow but don't get any!\r\nWe had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: \"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?\"\r\nNot only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!\r\n\r\nNow, didn't that feel good? \r\n\r\nPass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14035,
"title": "Think Before You Speak"
},
{
"body": "An eight year old girl tried checking a book out of the library, entitled 'Advice for Young Mothers'.\r\n\r\nThe librarian, being a typically nosey and puritanical librarian, asked, \"Why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?\"\r\n\r\nThe little girl replied, \"Because I collect moths.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14036,
"title": "The Young Mother"
},
{
"body": "One day, 3 men were walking around in the desert. One was poor, but had lots to drink and was smart; one was rich and very thirsty but was smart, and the last was poor, thirsty and stupid.\r\nSuddenly a genie popped up and said, \"Each of you can have one wish, but it is a different sort of wish to the usual. Each of you can go down this magic slide,\" and a slide appeared from nowhere, \"and whatever you say in the slide you will land in a large pile of whatever you said.\"\r\nThe first man went down and said, \"GOLD,\" and he landed in gold; the second man said, \"COCA-COLA,\" and he landed in coca-cola; the last man said, \"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE\" and he landed in wee.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14041,
"title": "3 Men in the Desert"
},
{
"body": "A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.\r\n\r\nThe wife answers, \"Thank you hon, what would like me to bring for you?\"\r\n\r\nThe husband laughs and says, \"An Italian girl.\"\r\n\r\nThe woman kept quiet and left.\r\n\r\nTwo weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks, \"So, hon, how was the trip?\"\r\n\r\n\"Very good, thank you.\"\r\n\r\n\"And what happened to my present?\"\r\n\r\n\"What present?\" she asked\r\n\r\n\"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, that,\" she said.\r\n\r\n\"Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait for nine months to see if it's a girl!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14042,
"title": "Wife Goes on a Trip........."
},
{
"body": "Beaverton, OR- You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm.\r\n\r\nPortland, OR- People may not whistle underwater.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14043,
"title": "Dumb Oregon Laws."
},
{
"body": "A fool and his money are soon partying.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14046,
"title": "Let's Go!"
},
{
"body": "When does running mean walking?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nWhen you're running out of gas!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14053,
"title": "Running"
},
{
"body": "Q. What do you call Asians swimming in a pool?\r\n\r\nA. Cornflakes",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14054,
"title": "Asians"
},
{
"body": "Time may fly, but does it have wings?",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14056,
"title": "Time Flies"
},
{
"body": "Deer Santa,\r\n I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.\r\n Yer Friend, Billy\r\n \r\n Dear Billy,\r\n Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.\r\n Santa\r\n ***********************************************\r\n Dear Santa,\r\n I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!\r\n Love, Sarah\r\n \r\n Dear Sarah,\r\n Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?\r\n Santa\r\n **********************************************\r\n Dear Santa,\r\n I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.\r\n Love, Teddy\r\n \r\n Dear Teddy,\r\n Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.\r\n Santa\r\n **********************************************\r\n Dear Santa,\r\n I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.\r\n Love, Francis\r\n \r\n Dear Francis,\r\n Who names their kid \"Francis\" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.\r\n Santa\r\n **********************************************\r\n Dear Santa,\r\n I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.\r\n Love, Susan\r\n \r\n Dear Susan,\r\n Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.\r\n Santa\r\n \r\n **********************************************\r\n Dear Santa,\r\n What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?\r\n Your friend, Thomas\r\n \r\n Dear Thomas,\r\n All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.\r\n Santa\r\n **********************************************\r\n Dear Santa,\r\n Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?\r\n Love, Jessica\r\n \r\n Dear Jessica,\r\n Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.\r\n Santa\r\n **********************************************\r\n Dear Santa,\r\n I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?\r\n Love, Timmy\r\n \r\n Dear Timmy,\r\n That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.\r\n Santa\r\n \r\n **********************************************\r\n Dearest Santa,\r\n We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?\r\n Love, Marky\r\n \r\n Dear Mark,\r\n First stop callling yourself \"Marky\", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.\r\n Sweet dreams,\r\n Santa",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14058,
"title": "If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly"
},
{
"body": "How many Russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nWe don't know. Russian leaders don't last as long as lightbulbs.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 14059,
"title": "Russian Leaders"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so ugly, that when she was born the doctor smacked her butt and his hand melted!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14060,
"title": "Joke"
},
{
"body": "Conserve water. Shower with a friend.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14063,
"title": "Conserve Water"
},
{
"body": "\"y'know, they made a movie about me once. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oops.\"\r\n\r\n\"Is that thing called a lung?\"\r\n\r\n\"And my mom wanted me to help people.\"\r\n\r\n\"Shoot! That's the third pair of tongs this week!\"\r\n\r\n\"I can't pull it out!\"\r\n\r\n\"This belongs on MTV.\"\r\n\r\n\"No one asked for your opinion.\"\r\n\r\n\"It's a boy!\"\r\n\r\n\"Hey! I can see the operating table!\"\r\n\r\n\"Brilliant. Now what?\"\r\n\r\n\"I need a lawyer.\"\r\n\r\n\"What have you been eating?!\"\r\n\r\n\"This is all a dream...this is all a dream...\"\r\n\r\n\"Mommy!\"\r\n\r\n\"Fire in the hole!\"\r\n\r\n\"I knew I should've stopped drinking.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 14064,
"title": "Dreadful Quotes: Surgeon"
},
{
"body": "\"I'm a little teapot, short and stout.\"\r\n\r\n\"I have whooping cough!\"\r\n\r\n\"Where did my bandage go?\"\r\n\r\n\"I think I'm going to puke.\"\r\n\r\n\"I can compare myself to Rachel Ray! NOT!\"\r\n\r\n\"If I mess up one more time, I'm turning this blade on you.\"\r\n\r\n\"I summon up my Eighth Amendment Right!\"\r\n\r\n\"I wanted to be an executioner!\"\r\n\r\n\"Burp!\"\r\n\r\n\"I just live here.\"\r\n\r\n\"What color the meat is, I don't care! I'm not even wearing any underwear!\"\r\n\r\n\"Man, this place just stunk up bad.\"\r\n\r\n\"You want fries with that?\"\r\n\r\n\"Johnny, my meat is on fire!\"\r\n\r\n\"Surreal.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14065,
"title": "Dreadful Quotes: Cook"
},
{
"body": "Two farmers were boasting about the strongest wind they'd ever experienced. \"Out here in California,\" said one, \"I've seen the fiercest wind in my life. You know those giant redwoods trees? Well the wind got so strong it bent them right over.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's nothing,\" said the farmer from Iowa. \"Back on my farm we had a wind one day that blew a hundred miles per hour. It was so bad that one of my hens had her back turned to the wind and laid the same egg six times!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14066,
"title": "The Same Egg"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat she sank Atlantis!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14067,
"title": "Atlantis"
},
{
"body": "A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, \"What the hell are you doing?\" \"I'm wearing my love dress,\" responds the daughter-in-law, \"We haven't made love in a long time.\"\r\n\r\nSo the mother-in-law says, \"Hm, maybe I should try that.\" \r\n\r\nShe goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, \"What the hell are you doing?\" \r\n\r\n\"I'm wearing my love dress,\" says the wife.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" responds the husband, \"it needs to be ironed.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14073,
"title": "The Love Dress"
},
{
"body": "Im not on my period...\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nI just dont like you :P",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14074,
"title": "For Guys"
},
{
"body": "What if there were no hypothetical situations?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14075,
"title": "What If?"
},
{
"body": "You can pick your friends,\r\nYou can pick your nose;\r\nBut you cant pick your friends nose.... \r\n\r\nWhat true words....!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14076,
"title": "Friends Word of Advise"
},
{
"body": "These are my pet peeves in no particular order. \r\n\r\n1. People who insult my friends. You trash talk my friends you can't hang around me it is that simple. \r\n\r\n2. You are talking on a cell phone not a boombox, so pick a RING not a SONG! \r\n\r\n3. Read my rant on Darkness. It's on the blog right before this one. \r\n\r\n4. People who try and open a locked car door at the same time you are pressing the unlock. And they keep doing it over and over. For heaven sakes DAD, (I mean people who do this. lol) \r\n\r\n5. People who drive fansy sports cars, and they obviously think they are cool cuz they speed up and slow down quickly and change lanes in front of you. My FORD EXPLORER can and will crush your stupid uncool ass proudly. \r\n\r\n6. Straight people who think sexuality is a choice. \r\n\r\n7. Christians who think that they will win souls over to Jesus by telling non-Christians they are going to hell. Come on just quietly be clear that you love Jesus and pray that they will one day love Him too it is that simple. I have never told anyone that they are going to hell. \r\n\r\n8. People who think children make people happy. Children anywhere within 100 feet of me, make me want to pull my hair out one by one. \r\n\r\n9. People who bash the President, and think that that liberal sex maniac we had before is better. \r\n\r\n10. If you don't know something, for God sakes SAY \"I don't know.\" Stop sitting there straining your little brain trying to come up with a cool sounding explaination in order to make you look like you know something that you know absolutely NOTHING about. \r\n\r\n11. People who have a 4.0 in drawing, cartooning, and jewelry making, are no different than those who get a 2.0 in Calculas, Biology, and Chemestry. Ok you have an A but WHAT ARE YOU TAKING? \r\n\r\n12. Mexicans are not responsible for the demise of our country. When you talk about illegal immigrants talk about ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS NOT MEXICANS! If an Egyptian exchange student has an expired visa he is an illegal immagrant. If someone with really strong arms swam over here from Germany they are an illegal immigrant. Stop focusing on the Mexican boarder. \r\n\r\n13. People who buy clothes that are ripped up and bleached out, um I might have an old pair of jeans with the knee and crotch missing that you can have for free. Now you can save up and buy a Ford. \r\n\r\n14. People who text message just because they can. If you have something quick to say, or you are in an area where you can't talk by all means go ahead and text me, I pay for 400 messages a month, but if you are at home and have a thought that is more than three sentences long FOR GOD SAKES CALL ME. I can say in about 20 seconds what it is going to take me 20 minutes to type out on a key pad. Give me a break! \r\n\r\n15. Little Johnny did not shoot up his playground because he listened to Eminem and played Grand Theft Auto. PLEASE! \r\n\r\n16. People who think obese people are scum of the earth. Obesity can be an overeating \"mental\" illness but it can also be a biological/chemical disability, you wouldn't make fun of someone in a wheel chair would you? Find out before you point and laugh. \r\n\r\n17. When you are driving down the street and you see a car in the middle lane with their blinker on waiting to turn across on coming traffic.....You are the only or one of the only cars coming at them....you have seen them since they appeared to be a little dot, and they sit there until you are so close you can read their licence plate and then they decide to turn, leaving you no choice but to slam on your brakes. Um what were you doing for the last 5 minutes I have been coming up on you YOU MORON! What kind of a licence do you have a fishing licence? \r\n\r\n18. When you are driving and the person in front of you turns their blinker on, starts slowing down, comes to almost a complete stop and then decides oh gee there is a middle lane maybe I should go there. GET INTO THE MIDDLE LANE AND THEN SLOW DOWN! WHO GAVE YOU YOUR LICENCE? \r\n\r\n19. People who drive down the street with their music blasting so loud YOUR car is literally shacking. Um can you even hear the words when it is that loud? Don't your ears hurt? \r\n\r\n20. Automated phone lines. For God sakes PAY SOMEONE TO PICK UP THE FREAKIN PHONE AND SAY HELLO THIS IS \"MR. BLA\" HOW MAY I HELP YOU THIS LOVELY SUNSHINNY AFTERNOON! \r\n\r\n21. Straight girls who think it's okay to hit lesbians really hard, because they figure well they are too macho to hit us back. Ok that is true I don't like slapping on girls and I won't..... but you little prissy girls don't know your own strength. OWCH. \r\n\r\n22. People who have LOUD conversations on their cell phones in public and when you look over, they give you this look like \"excuse me but your listening to a personal call.\" and its like well excuse me but if you would take it down to fog horn level I wouldn't have to listen. \r\n\r\n23. When your in a store and the electricity is out and the clerks don't know how to make change. Shouldn't you need to know basic math to handle a cash register? \r\n\r\n24. Girls who wear clothes that display all of their assets and they look at you like you pervert your staring at me. Its like well when your standing there like a human billboard advertising your products to the city WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? \r\n\r\n25. Girls that think it is okay to walk up and tell you something like oh man I just started my \"monthly\" or my bra is twisted, or oh man my underwear is riding up. Come on now that is the only think I am going to be thinking about all day now. Thanks for the info. NOT! \r\n\r\n26. People who get the wrong number more than once in a five minute period. Ok I did not call up my service provider and get my number changed in the last thirty seconds so if you dial the number on your napkin and it is me instead of whoever your tring to get a hold of, then chances are it will be me again if you hang up and automatically start dialing again. \r\n\r\n27. People who telephone solicite for not a product but a cause. It's like if I was interested in giving my pennies to support some disease then I would go online and do it, I don't need you calling me thank you very much. \r\n\r\n28. People who don't concider fish pets. Or if they do, they don't concider them important pets, its like oh don't bother to save him he was like three bucks. Man fish have their own personalities and uniquenesses just like dogs and cats. My Oscar is freakin smart man. He waggs his fin when I come in the room, if I as much as touch the drawer where his food is he starts dancing and jumping out of the water...splashing back down. He plays with decor like bath toys, I had to take a few things out cuz I thought he was going to break the tank, he pick stuff up and throw it against the glass. I guess that is entertaining??? Give the fine finned creatures a little credit and a little respect. \r\n\r\n29. Computers are suppose to make things easier. When using wizards unless you know what you are doing, don't bother, because in the time it takes to figure out the wizard you could have had your project done freehand three hours ago. So why do some people INSIST upon screaming crying and pulling their hair out over wizards because they think they should work. Ok they do work if you know how, if you don't it's not the end of the world experement sometime when you are not trying to get something important done for crying out loud. \r\n\r\n30. People who don't pull over for the cops, they run. It's like people PLEASE where do you think you are going. Out of 1000 people that run three might get away. The rest get an additional list of things they are going to jail for, and some weren't going to jail to begin with but they are now. STUPID. \r\n\r\n31. People who cause a traffic clog by coming to a complete stop to 'observe' a wreck. Ok here is the definition of a wreck, two or more cars collided, people are either going to the hospital or getting out to exchange information. No one is going to put on a puppet show near the wrecked vehicles so please move yours out of my way. \r\n\r\n32. People who drive with their blinkers on. Cuz you never know if they are seriously going to try and get in front of you or if they are just stupid. \r\n\r\n33. A reverse on 32 people who put their blinkers on at the last second when they are the only car coming toward you and you could have gotten on with your life about twenty different times but no they have to get right up on the edge of the driveway and then turn it on...its a little late for that now moron. \r\n\r\n34. People who cover their windows and bumpers with fifty thousand stickers. I can understand want a sticker or two, but why make your car look like a high school locker? \r\n\r\n35. Environmentalists.... I have going to drive my SUV proudly until the day I die and I will not car pool unless it is extremely convenient for me so quit your sniffling. You want my monster off the road you are going to have to shoot me. \r\n\r\n36. People who sleep outside to get tickets to a movie/game or to buy some limited product. It's like come on are you volunteering to be a pothole? Not only that but if you have to do that whatever your waiting for is going to three times as expensive as if you just waited. \r\n\r\n37. People who insist that every product has to be the name brand they can't save a few bucks and but the store brand. Come on there is one assembly line and two packages. You are paying for the name not the product. STUPID! \r\n\r\n38. People who have a \"cool\" catch phrase or word that they say over and over and OVER again. It's like ok I hear you say \"no doubt\", \"no joke\", or \"sweet\" a million times already. \r\n\r\n39. The holidays when you go to three different stores, fight in three different parking lots, wait on twelve different employees to find a gift and then wait behind the old woman who lived in a shoe with her kids in the check out line while she swears her socks rang up fifty cents more and then the checker has to shut down her til and go check it out then come back, then you get the gift home and Christmas morning the person opens it gives it a quick once over with their eyes and then sets it next to them and grabs the next gift without as much as a thank you kiss my ass its raining in texas. \r\n\r\n40. Those stupid reality TV shows. I don't want any amount of money bad enough to do any of things they do on fear factor survivor..... Or I don't want any girl enough to fight twelve other people in ridiculous contests.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14078,
"title": "Most Annoying Pet Peeves!!!"
},
{
"body": "During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. \"Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?\"\r\n\r\n\"No, sir,\" a student called out.\r\n\r\n\"No?\" queried the professor. \"Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve.\"\r\n\r\n\"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in!\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 14079,
"title": "The Acid Test"
},
{
"body": "Fruit Cake Recipe \r\n\r\n1 c water \r\n1 c butter \r\n4 lg. eggs \r\n1 btl WHISKEY \r\n8 oz mixed nuts \r\n1 tsp. salt \r\njuice of one lemon \r\n1 c brown sugar \r\n2 c dried fruit \r\n1 tsp baking powder \r\n\r\nSample whiskey to check quality. Take a large bowl. Re-sample whiskey to ensure it is of the highest quality. Pour one cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp. of sugar and beat again. Make sure whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn on the mixerer. Break two eggs and add to the bowl, chuck in the dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If fried druit gets stuck in beaterers, pry loos with a drewscriver. Sample whiskey to check for tonsiscency. Next sift two cups of salt...or something...who cares? Check whiskey again. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turnerer. Throw the bowl out the window, check the whiskey again, and go to bed. \r\n\r\nAdd that is how you make Christmas Fruitcake! LOL! Enjoy!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14080,
"title": "Fruit Cake Recipe"
},
{
"body": "\"Apparatus\" is a fancy word for thingy.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14081,
"title": "Something I Learned in Chemistry Class"
},
{
"body": "In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.\r\n\r\nDr. Seuss coined the word \"nerd\" in his 1950 book \"If I Ran the Zoo.\"\r\n\r\nIt takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.\r\n\r\nThirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.\r\n\r\nThere are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.\r\n\r\nThe world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.\r\n\r\nPound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14082,
"title": "Facts I"
},
{
"body": "When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.\r\n\r\nThe Bible has been translated into Klingon.\r\n\r\nTen percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.\r\n\r\nOn average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.\r\n\r\nIn 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.\r\n\r\nReno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.\r\n\r\nAverage lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14083,
"title": "Facts II"
},
{
"body": "Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.\r\n\r\nInternationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in history.\r\n\r\nFive Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.\r\n\r\nThe cigarette lighter was invented before the match.\r\n\r\nHumans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.\r\n\r\nThe 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14084,
"title": "Facts III"
},
{
"body": "Age 6 - I've learned that if you spread the peas out on your plate, it looks like you ate more.\r\n\r\nAge 8 - I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time, it will come out your nose.\r\n\r\nAge 10 - I've learned that you should never jump out of a second story window using a sheet for a parachute.\r\n\r\nAge 11 - I've learned that if you want to get even with someone at camp, you rub their underwear in poison ivy.\r\n\r\nAge 13 - I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up.\r\n\r\nAge 16 - I've learned that when my parents are in a bad mood, it's best to agree to everything they say or things get nasty.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14085,
"title": "Quotes Over The Years I"
},
{
"body": "Age 27 - I've learned that I should never praise my mother's cooking when I'm eating something fixed by my wife.\r\n\r\nAge 30 - I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.\r\n\r\nAge 31 - I've learned that nothing really bad happens when you tear those little \"do not remove\" tags from pillows.\r\n\r\nAge 42 - I've learned that marrying for money is the hardest way of getting it.\r\n\r\nAge 52 - I've learned that if you like garlic salt and Tabasco sauce you can make almost anything taste good.\r\n\r\nAge 53 - I've learned that after age 50 you get the furniture disease. That's when your chest falls into your drawers.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14086,
"title": "Quotes Over The Years II"
},
{
"body": "Every day the same old thing\r\nEssays, reading, handwriting \r\nI do it all while sitting here\r\nWith a very tempting computer near.\r\n\r\nI try to ignore the silent plea\r\n\"Please, surf the net on me\" \r\nI, for a while I ignore the call\r\nBy writing a paper on the Taj Mahal.\r\n\r\nBut inevitably\r\nIt gets to me\r\nI shove my work out of the way \r\n(Don't worry I'll do it another day).\r\n\r\nThe screen savers gone when I click on the mouse\r\nA happy blue glow fills up the house\r\nI open the Internet, \"Whoopitydee\"\r\nI yell (there are 5 new emails for me).\r\n\r\nWhen I've replied I surf the net\r\nIs there anything exciting? You bet!\r\nI'll do this while the sun fades away\r\nMarking the end of another long day\r\nBut I will not notice, oh no not me\r\nI'll be too wrapped up in my computer you see.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14087,
"title": "Homework"
},
{
"body": "What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?\r\n\r\n\r\nSomebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14088,
"title": "Divorce"
},
{
"body": "A \"jiffy\" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.\r\n\r\nA dime has 118 ridges around the edge.\r\n\r\nA cat has 32 muscles in each ear.\r\n\r\nA dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.\r\n\r\nA goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14089,
"title": "Weird Facts"
},
{
"body": "A shark is the only animal that can blink both eyes.\r\n\r\nA snail can sleep for three years.\r\n\r\nA crocodile cannot move its tongue.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14090,
"title": "Weird Facts II"
},
{
"body": "Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years old.\r\n\r\nButterflies taste with there feet.\r\n\r\nCats have over 100 vocal cords. Dogs have about 10.\r\n\r\nFebruary 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.\r\n\r\nIn the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14091,
"title": "Weird Facts III"
},
{
"body": "If the population of China walked past you, in a single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.\r\n\r\nIf you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light.\r\n\r\nLeonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14092,
"title": "Weird Facts IV"
},
{
"body": "Our eyes are always the same from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.\r\n\r\nPeanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.\r\n\r\nRubber Bands last longer when refrigerated.\r\n\r\n\"Lollipop\" is the longest word typed with only the right hand.\r\n\r\nThe average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14093,
"title": "Weird Facts V"
},
{
"body": "The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.\r\n\r\nThe cruise liner, QE2, moves only 6 in. for each gallon of diesel that if burns.\r\n\r\nThe sentence: \"The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog\" uses every letter in the alphabet.\r\n\r\nThe winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.\r\n\r\nThe words 'racecar' 'kayak' 'level' and 'radar' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. (palindromes)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14094,
"title": "Weird Facts VI"
},
{
"body": "There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.\r\n\r\nThere are more chickens than people in the world.\r\n\r\nThere's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14095,
"title": "Weird Facts VII"
},
{
"body": "Women blink nearly twice as much as men.\r\n\r\nYour stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest its self.\r\n\r\nThe largest fish is the whale shark-it can be over 50 feet long and weigh 2 tons.\r\n\r\nThe only continent without native reptiles or snakes is Antarctica.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14096,
"title": "Weird Facts VIII"
},
{
"body": "Mosquitoes have 47 teeth.\r\n\r\nAn ant can lift 50 times its own weight.\r\n\r\nHolland is the only country with a national dog.\r\n\r\nThe first penny had the motto \"mind your own business.\r\n\r\nBefore mercury, brandy was used to fill thermometers.\r\n\r\nChinese is the most commonly spoken language in the world.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14097,
"title": "Weird Facts IX"
},
{
"body": "In 1634, tulip bulbs were a form of currency in Holland.\r\n\r\nA male kangaroo is called a boomer.\r\n\r\nPenguins have an organ above their eyes that converts sea water to fresh water.\r\n\r\nBamboo makes up 99% of a panda's diet.\r\n\r\nThe first human-made object to break the sound barrier was a whip.\r\n\r\nBeavers were once the size of bears.\r\n\r\nThe first ballpoint pens were sold in 1945 for $12.00 each.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14098,
"title": "Weird Facts X"
},
{
"body": "Antarctica is the driest, coldest, windiest and highest continent on earth.\r\n\r\nPanama is the only place in the world that you can see the sun rise on the Pacific and set on the Atlantic.\r\n\r\nThe only lighthouse to use electricity was the Statue of Liberty.\r\n\r\nA honey bee can fly up to 15 m.p.h.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14104,
"title": "Weird Facts XI"
},
{
"body": "Hawaii is the only U.S. state not to report a temperature of 0f* or below.\r\n\r\nKangaroos can jump 30 ft.\r\n\r\nThe first bike was called a hobbyhorse.\r\n\r\nA hummingbird weighs less than a penny.\r\n\r\nThe smallest county in America is New York County, better known as Manhattan.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14105,
"title": "Weird Facts XII"
},
{
"body": "A single coffee tree produces only about a pound of coffee beans a year.\r\n\r\nThe only bird that can swim but not fly is the penguin.\r\n\r\nThe tallest man was 8'11\"\r\n\r\nThe first vacuum was so large; it was brought to a house by horse.\r\n\r\nA female kangaroo is called a flyer.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14106,
"title": "Weird Facts XIII"
},
{
"body": "The average human produces about 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime.\r\n\r\nUntil the nineteenth century, solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia. \r\n\r\nAmericans spend more than $630 million a year on golf balls.\r\n\r\nYou must play ping-pong for 12 hours to lose a pound.\r\n\r\nThe life span of a taste bud is ten days.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14107,
"title": "Weird Facts XIV"
},
{
"body": "2,500 left handers die each year using products designed for right handers.\r\n\r\nMost people hear better with their right ear.\r\n\r\nAnimals that lay eggs don't have belly buttons.\r\n\r\nHoney bees are the only insects that create a form of food for humans.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14108,
"title": "Weird Facts XV"
},
{
"body": "The first TV remote control, introduced in 1950, was called Lazy Bones.\r\n\r\nLemon sharks can give birth to about 36 babies at one time.\r\n\r\nThe top of the Empire State Building was originally built as a place to anchor blimps.\r\n\r\nThe area code in Cape Canaveral, Fl, is 321.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14109,
"title": "Weird Facts XVI"
},
{
"body": "Baboons were once trained by Egyptians to wait on tables.\r\n\r\nA queen bee can lay 800-1500 eggs per day.\r\n\r\nThe Popsicle was invented in 1905 by an 11-year-old boy.\r\n\r\n\"Disco\" means \"I learn\" in Latin.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14110,
"title": "Weird Facts XVII"
},
{
"body": "The first TV network kids show in the U.S. was \"Captain Kangaroo.\"\r\n\r\nBefore 1687 clocks were made with only an hour hand.\r\n\r\nThere are towns named Sandwich in Illinois and Massachusetts.\r\n\r\nCaterpillars have over 2,000 muscles.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14111,
"title": "Weird Facts XVIII"
},
{
"body": "The first typewriter was called the \"literary piano.\"\r\n\r\nFrogs can't swallow with their eyes open.\r\n\r\nA duck's quack doesn't echo.\r\n\r\nAugust has the highest percentage of births.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14112,
"title": "Weird Facts XIX"
},
{
"body": "Why do you Drive on the Parkway but Park on the Driveway?",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14113,
"title": "Driveway Parkway"
},
{
"body": "A bear was bought from a Russian circus by a tourist agent after he was asked to provide an American visitor with a \"wild bear hunt\". The tourist was taken to the Perdelkino Forest near Moscow and when all was ready, the bear was released. As the hunter closed in on his prey, a postman passed by on his bike, saw the bear, and tumbled off in surprise. Recalling his Big Top training, the bear grabbed the bike and pedalled off, leaving the American to sue for fraud.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14114,
"title": "Bear-faced Cheek"
},
{
"body": "In February 1993 a train knocked down and injured an elephant calf in the Sylhet region of Bangladesh. When the next train came along an hour later the calf's mother blocked the track, then banged her forehead against the engine for 15 minutes, until it could no longer run. Then she walked off into the jungle again, leaving about 200 passengers stranded for over five hours.\r\n\r\nA man driving to work through the southern desert of Saudi Arabia ran over one of a troupe of monkeys. When he made the return trip later that day, the remaining monkeys were waiting for him. They spotted his car, jumped on it, and smashed the windows with their fists.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14115,
"title": "Revenge! II"
},
{
"body": "Sign in a realtor's office: \"Lots for little.\"\r\n\r\nSign at entrance of the IRS: \"Watch your step.\"\r\n\r\nSign in a bookstore: \"We treat you write.\"\r\n\r\nSign on a front door: \"Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.\"\r\n\r\nSign on a parking space at a garden nursery: \"Reserved for plant manager.\"\r\n\r\nSign on a door to a psychiatric ward: \"Please do not disturb further.\"\r\n\r\nSign for a litter of dachshund pups: \"Get a long little doggie!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14117,
"title": "What's Your Sign?"
},
{
"body": "Sign on the inside of a bathroom stall: \"Beware of limbo dancers.\"\r\n\r\nA hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: \"Today's special.\"\r\nBelow, it says: \"So's tomorrow.\"\r\n\r\nSign in school: \"In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended.\"\r\n\r\nSign seen on an electricity pylon: \"DANGER! To touch these wires will result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted.\"\r\n\r\nSign at a garage in Hertfordshire: \"Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything, gas is!\"\r\n\r\nSign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: \"Closed for official opening.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14118,
"title": "What's Your Sign? II"
},
{
"body": "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? \r\nPilgrims!\r\n\r\nWhat are the feathers on a turkey's wings called? \r\nTurkey feathers.\r\n\r\nCan a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building? \r\nYes - a building can't jump at all.\r\n\r\nWhy did they let the turkey join the band? \r\nBecause he had the drumsticks.\r\n\r\nWhere did the first corn come from? \r\nThe stalk brought it.\r\n\r\nWhen the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14119,
"title": "A Few One-Liners II"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat, that when she went to the doctor, he did an ultrasound test.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14123,
"title": "Fatso Momma"
},
{
"body": "One day, a six year old blonde came up to her mother and said:\r\n\r\n \"When I grow up, I want to be a Hillary Duff, she's amazing!\"\r\n\r\nlol, only a blonde would say that.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14125,
"title": "Celebrity"
},
{
"body": "One day, Mr. Dorren's first grade class was learning the alphabet. \r\n\r\nOne of his students came up to Mr. Dorren and asked to go to the bathroom.\r\n\r\nMr. Dorren said, \"First, recite the alphabet.\"\r\n\r\nThe student started, \"A, B... ... L, M, N, O, Q...\"\r\n\r\nWhen he finished, Mr. Dorren asked, \"Where's the 'P'?\"\r\n\r\n\"Running down my legs.\" replied the student.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14126,
"title": "Alphabet"
},
{
"body": "The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up he asks, \"Why in the world are you dressed like this?\"\r\n\r\nCowboy: \"Well, it's like this, Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her, and I did.\r\n\r\nWe go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did.\r\n\r\nThen she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did.\r\n\r\nThen she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did.\r\n\r\nThen she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, \"Now go to town cowboy....\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14128,
"title": "Cowboy Blond"
},
{
"body": "What do men and sperm have in common? \r\nThey both have a one in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14129,
"title": "One-in-a-million"
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken cross the road?\r\nTo go to the other side!\r\n\r\nWhy did the Mexican Chicken cross the Border?\r\nTo get to the U.S.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14132,
"title": "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?"
},
{
"body": "A little boy walked into a petshop and went up to a clerk. The boy asked if she had dachshunds in the store. The clerk said yes, and she went and got the dog out of the cage and handed it to him.\r\nHe got all excited when he held it and immediately went to the checkout and gave the clerk a check for $100, that he said was his birthday money. He was so excited and anxious that the clerk asked why he wanted that dog so much, and not a big dog like most boys got when they came in.\r\nHe replied, \"I've always wanted to be a cowboy and now I can, because the song says 'Get along little dogie!'\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14134,
"title": "A Cowboy's Dog"
},
{
"body": "Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends; they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever, and Sam, well,let's just say he was not so good.\r\nLarry and Sam did so much together that they even died together, but while Larry went to heaven, Sam went to hell.\r\nLarry was doing well in heaven, and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, \"Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we have ever had up here. Everyone likes you, but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help.\"\r\nLarry said, \"Well, don't get me wrong, Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I miss him a lot.\"\r\nSt. Peter looked at Larry with pity, and said to him, \"I tell you what; I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?\"\r\nThis made Larry very happy, and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened, he was met by Sam. They hugged each other and they were off. You see, in Hell, Sam owned a disco. They spent the day there together, and had a great time. At the end of the day, Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together, said their goodbyes, and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted there by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, \"Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?\"\r\nLarry looked around and said, \"No, I don't think so, I have my halo and my wings.\"\r\nSt. Peter said, \"Yes, but what about your harp?\"\r\nLarry gasped and said, \"I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14135,
"title": "Larry and Sam"
},
{
"body": "There was a atheist and his son dicussing religion. \r\nThe young man later brought up the discussion with his friends, who explained to him the concept on the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.\r\nThat day the man went home and told his father that there were three gods and explained to him what his friends had said.\r\nThe father stared at his son and said, \"No, son, there is only one god, and we don't believe in him.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 14142,
"title": "Only One God"
},
{
"body": "Each simile listed below was actually used by high school students in their various essays and short stories:\r\n\r\nHe spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.\r\n\r\nShe caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.\r\n\r\nThe little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.\r\n\r\nMcBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.\r\n\r\nFrom the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and \"Jeopardy\" comes on at 7 P.M. instead of 7:30.\r\n\r\nHer hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.\r\n\r\nHer eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.\r\n\r\nHer vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.\r\n\r\nHe was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.\r\n\r\nThe hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.\r\n\r\nHer date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as something like \"second tall man.\"\r\n\r\nLong separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers race across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 P.M. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 P.M. at a speed of 35 mph.\r\n\r\nThe politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.\r\n\r\nThey lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.\r\n\r\nJohn and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.\r\n\r\nThe thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.\r\n\r\nThe red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.\r\n\r\nHis thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free",
"category": "College",
"id": 14143,
"title": "Grammar"
},
{
"body": "A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. \"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course.\"\r\n\r\nThere was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, \"Anyone else? This is your last chance.\"\r\n\r\nOne final student rose up and opted out of the final. The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. \"I'm glad to see you believe in yourself,\" he said. \"You all get 'A's.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 14145,
"title": "An Easy B"
},
{
"body": "An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the history teacher that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the history teacher selects infinite wisdom.\r\n\r\n\"Done!\" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the history teacher, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.\r\n\r\nOne of his colleagues whispers, \"Say something.\" The history teacher sighs and says, \"I should have taken the money.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 14147,
"title": "I Picked Wisdom"
},
{
"body": "The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. \r\nHe walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. \r\nThey came up with about 40 names.\r\n\r\nHe jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. \r\nOne lad raised his hand and said, \"Yes, but in those days there were only 13.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 14148,
"title": "Olden Days"
},
{
"body": "A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. \"Justin,\" he asked, \"which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?\" Justin answered the correct airline.\r\n\r\n\"Sandra, can you tell me which company has the slogan, \"Don't leave home without it?\" Sandra answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.\r\n\r\n\"Now Allison, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?\" And Allison answered, \"Mom...\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 14151,
"title": "Just Do It"
},
{
"body": "A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later.\r\n\r\nThe king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded him, \"Tell me when you will die!\"\r\n\r\nThe astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. \"I do not know when I will die,\" he answered finally. \"I only know that when I die, you will die two days later.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14152,
"title": "Medieval"
},
{
"body": "One day, Little Johnny and his family went for a walk they saw two dogs having sex, girl on top of boy. Johnny didn't know much about sex, so his parents didn't say anything. \r\n\r\nLater that night, Johnny's parents were having sex and Johnny walked in on them. Before his parent's could say anything, Johnny yelled out, \"Mom get on top of dad. Hurry, because I want a puppy!!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14154,
"title": "Puppies"
},
{
"body": "Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly. \r\n\r\nAfter the coroner leaves with Steve's body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve's wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.\r\n\r\n\"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?\"\r\n\r\n\"Steve's wife gave it to me!\"\r\n\r\n\"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve's widow. She said she wasn't, so I said I'd bet her a six-pack she was!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14155,
"title": "Worth a Beer??"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?\r\n\r\nA dry Martinez.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14157,
"title": "Wattle You Have?"
},
{
"body": "If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?\r\n\r\nK9P.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14158,
"title": "Inside, Outside"
},
{
"body": "What goes oh oh oh?\r\n\r\nSanta walking backwards",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14159,
"title": "Oh Oh Oh"
},
{
"body": "How do you make the number 1 disappear?\r\n\r\nAdd a \"g\" to it and it's \"gone\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14160,
"title": "The Number 1"
},
{
"body": "How does the barber cut the moon's hair?\r\n\r\nE-clipse it",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14161,
"title": "Moon Hair"
},
{
"body": "Why did the blond cross the road?\r\n\r\nI don't know.\r\n\r\nNeither did he.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14170,
"title": "Why Did The Blond Cross The Road?"
},
{
"body": "Supplemental Rules for Bowling \r\n\r\nIf you holler \"overs!\" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the \"overs\". \r\n\r\nWhen your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule \"First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game\", and your team still has a chance. \r\n\r\nAfter a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames. \r\n\r\nWhen you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the \"Designated Bowler\" rule. \r\n\r\nAfter you have 4 splits in one game, you may say \"Kings X\" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, \"Fair is Fair\". \r\n\r\nIf your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized. \r\n\r\nA ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 14172,
"title": "New Bowling Rules"
},
{
"body": "TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.\r\n MARIA: Here it is.\r\n TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?\r\n CLASS: Maria.\r\n __________________________________________\r\n \r\n TEACHER: John,why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?\r\n JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.\r\n __________________________________________\r\n \r\n TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell \"crocodile?\"\r\n GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L\"\r\n TEACHER: No, that's wrong\r\n GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.\r\n _______________________________________________\r\n \r\n TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?\r\n DONALD: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.\r\n TEACHER: What are you talking about?\r\n DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.\r\n __________________________________\r\n \r\n TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.\r\n WINNIE: Me!\r\n __________________________________________\r\n \r\n TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?\r\n GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.\r\n _______________________________________\r\n \r\n T EACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with \"I\"\r\n MILLIE: I is...\r\n TEACHER: No, Millie, always say, \"I am\"\r\n MILLIE: All right... \"I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.\"\r\n _________________________________\r\n \r\n TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?\r\n LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.\r\n ______________________________________\r\n \r\n \r\n TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on \"My Dog\" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?\r\n CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.\r\n ___________________________________\r\n \r\n TEACHER: Harold,what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? \r\n\r\n HAROLD: A teacher.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14176,
"title": "Kids Are Quick"
},
{
"body": "1. You could care less who Britney Spears is sleeping with.\r\n2. You understand the differences between 27 brands of imported chardonnay.\r\n3. You can call anyone \"honey\" including pets.\r\n4. You know someone who was in the emergency room with Richard Gere the gerbil.\r\n5. You understand the immense importance of quality lighting.\r\n6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of a baseball field and still spot a toupee.\r\n7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.\r\n8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.\r\n9. You really have \"been there, done that.\"\r\n10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends.\r\n11. You're the only type of male who gets to say \"fabulous.\"\r\n12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your house.\r\n13. You can have naked men you don't know at your house.\r\n14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.\r\n15. You understand why God invented Spandex.\r\n16. You understand why God didn't intend everyone to wear it.\r\n17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.\r\n18. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.\r\n19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.\r\n20. You can smile to let someone know you hate them.\r\n21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.\r\n22. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.\r\n23. You've always got an opinion.\r\n24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical. \r\n25. You know how to dress strategically.\r\n26. Your car has an amusing female name.\r\n27. You're the only one at your reunion who looks better than you did in high school.\r\n28. You've got at least one framed picture of your cat.\r\n29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Madonna.\r\n30. You know that sex complicates things. So?\r\n31. You know that being called a \"cheap slut\" isn't actually an insult.\r\n32. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.\r\n33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.\r\n34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.\r\n35. You have at least one movie musical on video.\r\n36. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.\r\n37. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.\r\n38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.\r\n39. You know how to make an entrance.\r\n40. You know when to make an exit.\r\n41. You worry about people you don't even know - like Elton John.\r\n42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.\r\n43. You know how to program your VCR.\r\n44. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.\r\n45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.\r\n46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.\r\n47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.\r\n48. You know when to play dumb.\r\n49. You know what to do for a hangover.\r\n50. Yes, you do have a condom.\r\n51. You've called someone \"girlfriend\" who is neither a girl nor a friend.\r\n52. One or more of the following apply to you:\r\na) You adore Famke Janssen\r\nb) You hate Famke Janssen\r\nc) You hate people who adore Famke Janssen.\r\nd) You hate people who hate Famke Janssen.\r\ne) You don't give a damn about Famke Janssen.\r\nf) Who is Famke Janssen?\r\n53. You can supply the last names to the following list:\r\na) Bernadette\r\nb) Chita\r\nc) Barbra\r\n54. You made Donna Summer a star.\r\n55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.\r\n56. Tanning salons were invented for you.\r\n57. You've made sunbathing a performance art.\r\n58. You know when the party's over.\r\n59. You know where to go after the party's over.\r\n60. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.\r\n61. When you hear \"a stitch in time saves nine\" you think of\r\na) Your grandma\r\nb) Your face lift\r\nc) John Wayne Bobbit\r\n62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.\r\n63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your \"roommate.\"\r\n64. You know that referring to someone as \"a real lady\" isn't necessarily a compliment.\r\n65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.\r\n66. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.\r\n67. If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.\r\n68. You sing along with songs that make most females cringe, like \"Stand by your man\".\r\n69. You've been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.\r\n70. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.\r\n71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.\r\n72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.\r\n73. You've left someone totally speechless.\r\n74. You've shaved something other than your face.\r\n75. All your friends do not have to \"get along\".\r\n76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.\r\n77. Your love handles are actually used as such.\r\n78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.\r\n79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.\r\n80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.\r\n81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.\r\n82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.\r\n83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.\r\n84. You know your enemies.\r\n85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.\r\n86 You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.\r\n87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.\r\n88 Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.\r\n89. You know that \"small talk\" can be about spirituality or politics, and \"important issues\" can be about hair.\r\n90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.\r\n91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.\r\n92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.\r\n93. You know, by heart, every line in:\r\na) All about Eve\r\nb) The Rocky Horror Picture Show\r\nc) Your face.\r\n94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.\r\n95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.\r\n96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supreme's song.\r\n97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.\r\n98. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas any more.\r\n99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.\r\n100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14184,
"title": "100 REASONS"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the blonde who went shopping for lip-gloss just so she could pass the make-up exam?",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14185,
"title": "Make-Up"
},
{
"body": "A lady named Annala had 4 children.\r\nThey didn't spent a lot of time together.\r\nOne day Annala's husband said,\"How about having a picture contest, so we can have a great time! We can invite the whole family; Grandma, Grandpa, and the rest of the gang!\"\r\n\r\nThe mother accepted the challenge.\r\nThe day of the picture contest everyone was there.\r\nSo far everyone had very lovely pictures.\r\n\r\nA picture of a flower, a picture of a cat, a picture of a dog, and a picture of a duck.\r\nThe youngest child was the last.\r\nEveryone was cheering while he was presenting.\r\nHe proudly announced, \"This great picture I made is of my mommy and daddy wrestling on the bed!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14187,
"title": "Picture Contest"
},
{
"body": "I was at home one day when my son walked in on me and my husband.He said \"Momma i found this moving around on the floor\".(holding up my vibrator)I said \"huh?\"he asked if he could play with it...I said sure not knowing what it was at the time....I come out of my room go in his and its in his ass. Needless to say,he has watched me.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14188,
"title": "Say What!!?!!?"
},
{
"body": "What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?\r\n\r\nBetween the two of us, we can make a lot of money.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14190,
"title": "Blonde's Legs"
},
{
"body": "1/20/09: End of an Error\r\n\r\nThat's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway\r\n\r\nLet's Fix Democracy in This Country First\r\n\r\nIf You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran\r\n\r\nIf You Can Read This, You're Not Our President\r\n\r\nHey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?\r\n\r\nGeorge Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight\r\n\r\nAmerica: One Nation, Under Surveillance\r\n\r\nThey Call Him \"W\" So He Can Spell It\r\n\r\nWhose God Do You Kill For?\r\n\r\nCheney/Satan '08\r\n\r\nJail to the Chief\r\n\r\nNo, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?\r\n\r\nBush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap\r\n\r\nBad President! No Banana.\r\n\r\nWe Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language\r\n\r\nWe're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them\r\n\r\nIs It Vietnam Yet?\r\n\r\nBush Doesn't Care About White People, Either\r\n\r\nWhere Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?\r\n\r\nYou Elected Him. You Deserve Him.\r\n\r\nImpeach Cheney First\r\n\r\nDubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too\r\n\r\nThe Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century\r\n\r\nWhat Part of \"Bush Lied\" Don't You Understand?\r\n\r\nOne Nation Under Clod\r\n\r\n2004: Embarrassed. 2005: Horrified. 2006: Terrified.\r\n\r\nBush Never Exhaled\r\n\r\nAt Least Nixon Resigned",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14198,
"title": "Bumper Stickers"
},
{
"body": "Why is revenge sweet, but payback is a b*tch?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14200,
"title": "Revenge"
},
{
"body": "Age 1: You don't piddle in your pants\r\n\r\nAge 4: You can walk without help\r\n\r\nAge 21: You can drive\r\n\r\nAge 60: You can drive\r\n\r\nAge 70: You can walk without help\r\n\r\nAge 80: You don't piddle in your pants",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14201,
"title": "Achievements in Life"
},
{
"body": "90 percent of people in Idaho say, \"Oh shit!\" when in a car wreck, The other ten percent say, \"Hold my beer and watch this shit!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14206,
"title": "Idaho Rednecks"
},
{
"body": "The other day I was watching the news and there was the strangest story. You see a man went to Huck's gas station and was filling up his red gas holder for emergencies during the winter, and when he put the cap on some sloshed out onto his arm. He didn't think anything of it and went on ahead and got in his car and drove off. Two miles down the road he lit up a cigarette and caught his arms on hands on fire! He pulled off to the side and a cop driving by pulled over by him. And you know what he gave the man a ticket... for illegal use of fire-arms.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14208,
"title": "Fire-arms"
},
{
"body": "In WW2 Captain Saunders was wounded in battle and captured by the Germans. He was sent to a German military hospital.\r\n\r\nOn his first day in the hospital a doctor came, bearing bad news, \"we have to amputate your legs.\"\r\nThe Captain was very sad, however he asked the doctor if his legs could be dropped in his commanders next bombing mission over Britain. The doctor asked his commander, and he said yes.\r\nAnd sure enough it was dropped.\r\n\r\nOn the second day the doctor came bearing more bad news, \"we have to amputate your left arm.\"\r\nThe Captain was sadder than before, but he asked if this could also be dropped, in the commander's next mission. The answer was yes and it was dropped.\r\n\r\nOn the third day, the doctor came bearing even more bad news, \"we have to amputate your right arm.\"\r\nThe Captain was also sad, and he asked the arm could be dropped in the next bombing mission. The doctor replied, \"NO, my commander thinks you are trying to escape\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14209,
"title": "Captain Saunders' Escape"
},
{
"body": "Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, \"What do you want on your back for your Amazonian whipping?\"\r\n\r\nThe German responds, \"I will take oil!\" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.\r\n\r\nThe Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, \"What do you want on your back?\" \r\n\r\n\"I will take nothing!\" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.\r\n\r\n\"What will you take on your back?\" the Amazons ask the American. \r\n\r\nHe responds, \"I'll take the Mexican.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14210,
"title": "An Amazonian Whipping"
},
{
"body": "I was sitting in chat room,\r\nFeeling mildly amused,\r\nWhen I saw something strange,\r\nThat left me all confused.\r\n \r\nSomeone typed a word,\r\n(As far as I could tell)\r\nBut I had never seen it.\r\nWhat is an LOL?\r\n \r\nThen the plot got thicker,\r\nMore words I didn't know,\r\nA person started typing,\r\nThe word LMAO.\r\n \r\nI sat there in amazement,\r\nI felt like a dumb toad.\r\nCould it be, these people,\r\nWere speaking in a code?\r\n \r\nThat's when I looked closer.\r\nAnd found the subtle clue.\r\nI figured out this code\r\nAnd I'll share it now, with you.\r\n \r\nLOL is three little words,\r\nThat seem, to me, quite shady.\r\nWhy would someone ever write\r\nThe words, \"Lean Over Lady\"?\r\n \r\nLMAO, was more obscure,\r\nIt made me sweat my socks!\r\nLMAO is a command,\r\nMeaning, \"Leave Me Alone, Ox!\"\r\n \r\nROFL was harder still,\r\nI found it rather sickening.\r\nIt's a discreet way to say,\r\n\"Ready Only For Licking!\"\r\n \r\nI can't believe that AOL,\r\nWould let this code exist!\r\nTo them I say, YOMSL\r\nMeaning, \"You're On My Shit List!\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 14211,
"title": "A Chatroom Poem"
},
{
"body": "Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses\r\nclaimed that an Unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.\r\n\r\nHowever, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr., Hillary Rodham, John F Kerry, William Jefferson Clinton, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Charles E Schumer, and Barbara Boxer were born.\r\n\r\nSee what happens when aliens breed with sheep? This\r\npiece of information may clear up a lot of things.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14212,
"title": "Sheep Breeding"
},
{
"body": "Santa:Oye, you know once, when I was very young, I jumped from the 20th floor of a building.\r\n\r\nBanta: Then what happened? Did you survived or die?\r\n\r\nSanta replied: \"Oye, I forgot, that was years ago\".",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14214,
"title": "Banta and Sant"
},
{
"body": "Q1: What is red and goes tring tring tring?\r\n\r\nA1: tomato and the tring tring tring was to confuse you anyways.\r\n\r\nHere's one more.\r\n\r\nQ2: What is red and goes tring tring tring?\r\n\r\nA2: The door bell and the red was to confuse you\r\nanyways.\r\n\r\nHere's one more.\r\n\r\nQ3: What is red and goes tring tring tring?\r\n\r\nA3: A cake and both were to confuse you\r\nanyways.\r\n\r\nHere's one more.\r\n\r\nQ4: What's red and goes tring tring tring?\r\n\r\nA4: Fire brigade, OBVIOUSLY!\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nYou thought I was trying to confuse you again.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14216,
"title": "Confused"
},
{
"body": "Why did Tom throw butter outside the window?\r\n\r\nBecause he wanted to see the butter-fly.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14219,
"title": "WHY???"
},
{
"body": "An recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. \r\n\r\n\"Here's your first question,\" the foreman said. \"Without using numbers, represent the number 9.\" \r\n\r\n\"Without numbers?\" the Italian says, \"Dat is easy.\" And he proceeds to draw three trees. \r\n\r\n\"What's this?\" the boss asks. \r\n\r\n\"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,\" says the Italian. \r\n\r\n\"Fair enough,\" says the boss. \"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but thi s time the number is 99.\" \r\n\r\nThe Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has ust drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. \"Ere you go.\" \r\n\r\nThe boss scratches his head and says, \"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?\" \r\n\r\n\"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.\" \r\n\r\n\"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.\" \r\n\r\nThe Italian man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, \"Ere you go. One hundred.\" \r\n\r\nThe boss looks at the attempt. \"You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!\" \r\n\r\n(You're going to love this one!!!) \r\n\r\nThe Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, \"A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14220,
"title": "How to Describe Number$$$"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, when she get in the elevator, u know, its Goin Down! (does motorcyle dance)",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14223,
"title": "As U Read This, Think About the Song, Goin' Down By Yung Joc"
},
{
"body": "President Musharraf went to the US & had a meeting with President Bush. Bush said, \"I want to show you the advancement in technology in USA. Come with me.\"\r\n\r\nBush takes him in a deep forest and says, \"Dig the ground.\"\r\nMusharraf digs.\r\n\r\nBush says, \"More, more, more...\"\r\nMusharraf has now reached 100 feet.\r\n\r\nBush says, \"So now, did you find anything?\"\r\nMusharraf, \"I got a wire!\"\r\n\r\nBush says, \"You see, it shows that even 200 years ago we used to have telephones!\"\r\n\r\nMusharraf was very frustrated and he invited Bush to Pakistan. In Pakistan Musharraf says, \"Now I want to show you the advancement in Pakistan!\"\r\n\r\nHe takes Bush to a forest and asks him to dig.\r\nAfter some time Musharraf says, \"More. ... More... more!\"\r\nBush has now reached almost 400 feet.\r\n\r\nMusharraf says, \"Find anything?\"\r\nBush tries but finds nothing, \"Nothing here!\"\r\n\r\nMusharraf says, \"You see! 400 years ago we had WIRELESS telephones!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14227,
"title": "2 Presidents"
},
{
"body": "A couple visit a sex therapist, who asked the wife, \"What's your main complaint about your sex life?\r\nShe replied, \"My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.\"\r\nThe therapist asked the husband, \"Is this true?\"\r\nHe replied, \"Well, not exactly, I don't suffer. She does.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 14233,
"title": "Sex Therapy"
},
{
"body": "A man received a notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear to the meeting with the IRS agent. The accountant said, \"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you're poor.\"\r\nThe man asked his lawyer the same question. The lawyer advised, \"Show them you're a professional. Wear your best suit and tie.\"\r\nConfused, the man went to his rabbi and asked his advice. \"Let me tell you a story,\" the rabbi said. \"A woman was getting married. She asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mom said, `Wear a long flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck,' but her best friend said, `Wear a sexy negligee.'\"\r\n The man asked. \"What does this have to do with my problem with the IRS?\"\r\n The rabbi replied, \"The lesson is that no matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14234,
"title": "What to Wear?"
},
{
"body": "Something to text to your friendz\r\n\r\n\r\nThe police found a body with no brain, fucked up teeth, a small dick, and a swollen asshole\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nJust called to make sure you are okay I was worried",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14235,
"title": "Text Messages"
},
{
"body": "What happens when a lion roars?\r\n\r\nTom n Jerry starts!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14236,
"title": "What Happens When a Lion Roars?"
},
{
"body": "A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some \"monosodium glue to mate\".",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14237,
"title": "Frogs"
},
{
"body": "Dear Abby has received lots of letters about funny names. Here are just a few sent to her!\r\n\r\nMy father was born in Menomonie, Wis., and later taught there. He used to tell me about a law firm there called Ketchum and Cheatum. Also, he had a high school classmate named Iva Liver. - ANN, COLUMBUS, OHIO\r\n\r\nYears ago, I interviewed an attorney who was supposed to handle an important matter for me. His name: Rex R. Case. (Needless to say, I did not hire him!) - LINDA, N.J.\r\n\r\nI read the front section of the paper, where I encountered the following. It's titled, \"Circumcision of African men can cut HIV risk by half.\" The physician quoted from the World Health Organization is Dr. Kevin De Cock. - BONNIE IN WABASH, IND.\r\n\r\nFor many years the Internal Revenue supervisor in Oklahoma City was \"I.M. Filer.\" - ANONYMOUS IN OKLAHOMA\r\n\r\nMy sister lives in Williamsville, N.Y., where there is a funeral home that seems nothing out of the ordinary, except for the name: Amigone Funeral Home. - ALAINE IN JAMESTOWN, N.Y.\r\n\r\nHere in Anchorage, Alaska, we have a dentist named Dr. Phil Wright. - VERN S., ANCHORAGE\r\n\r\nMy daughter's pediatrician is Dr. LeFevere, and my former priest's was Father O'Pray. - STEPHANIE IN BLOOMINGTON, MINN.\r\n\r\nWhen I first moved here, I was looking for a new ob/gyn and came across a listing for a Dr. C. Hymen. - MEGAN IN STRATFORD, CONN.\r\n\r\nA few years ago I needed minor surgery and went to the VA hospital in Palo Alto. The young female anesthetist was a novice named Mallet. Try as she might, she could not find a vein -- and when I took the \"Mallet by the handle\" and told her if she couldn't find a vein she should use a mallet, she didn't crack a smile. - EARL C., MANTECA, CALIF.\r\n\r\nI once met a liquor salesman named Casey Sause. - PAMELA IN BATON ROUGE, LA.\r\n\r\nI have diabetes and see a dietitian and a diabetes educator. Their last names are Short and Stout - NANCY IN NOBLESVILLE, IND.\r\n\r\nLinda Toots taught flute at Tanglewood! - PEGGY B., CHICAGO\r\n\r\nThere's a nudist colony in northern New Jersey that is owned by a Dr. Lust. - ADRIAN IN PRINCETOWN, N.J.\r\n\r\nYears ago, here in Fort Worth, Texas, we had a doctor named Dr. Rumph. His specialty? Proctology, of course! - HAD TO LAUGH IN FORT WORTH\r\n\r\n\r\nAll these stories were taken from Yahoo! News, 1/9/07",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14241,
"title": "Dear Abby, What's in a Name?"
},
{
"body": "A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six- year-old son, Johnny, and said, \"Would you like to say the blessing?\"\r\n\r\n\"I wouldn't know what to say,\" Little Johnny replied.\r\n\r\n\"Just say what you hear Mommy say,\" the mother said.\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny bowed his head and said, \"Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 14242,
"title": "Little Johnny Joke"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny's Joke\r\nLittle Johnny was sitting on his backyard swing set with some of his sixth grade schoolmates one Saturday when they started to tell some jokes to each other.\r\n\r\nLittle Susie started off by saying, \"Knock, knock?\"\r\n\r\nEveryone answered, \"Who's there?\"\r\n\r\nSusie says, \"Boo!\"\r\n\r\nEveryone replied, \"Boo who?\"\r\n\r\nTo which Susie said, \"Why are you all crying?\" and everyone broke out laughing.\r\n\r\nAt this point, Little Johnny got up and started into his joke, \"Hey, did you all hear about the prostitute who got fingered by Captain Hook?\"\r\n\r\nImmediately, Little Johnny's mother, who was nearby watering the roses and had heard Little Johnny start off, came rushing over and shouted, \"Alright Little Johnny! That's enough! In fact, all of you kids can go home now. Leave, please.\"\r\n\r\nThe following Saturday, Little Johnny again invited his friends over, this time to play some video games. During a lull in the action, Little Johnny said to everyone, \"You know, there's a rumour going around that a bus load of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska. And they say...\"\r\n\r\nThis time again, Little Johnny's mother was in the kitchen and came stomping in after having heard him. She said demandingly as she gathered his friends together and shuffled them towards the door, \"Okay kids, it's getting late. All of you will have to leave now.\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny was puzzled and yelled back at them, \"Hey! Hold on, hold on! There's still plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14243,
"title": "Little Johnny's Joke"
},
{
"body": "One day, Little Johnny's teacher asked the class \"Children, who can answer this question, please raise your hand!\"\r\n\r\n\"Mention things you can suck!\"\r\n\r\n\"Ice cream, mam!\" Little Jane answered.\r\n\r\n\"Good, Jane.\" the teacher said, \"Anyone else?\"\r\n\r\n\"It's a lollipop!\" said Little Steven.\r\n\r\n\"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!\" the teacher said.\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny, sitting at back then answered, \"I think it's lamp!\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher and all of the students wondered about Little Johnny's answer. The teacher asked him, \"Johnny, how do you think we can suck lamp?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, last night when I passed my parents' bedroom\", Little Johnny said, \"I heard my mom said, please turn off the lamp, honey, and let me suck it!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14244,
"title": "Lamp"
},
{
"body": "Alligator \r\nOne day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.\r\n\r\n\"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?\" Grandma asked him.\r\n\r\n\"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma\" exclaimed Johnny. \"There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!\"\r\n\r\n\"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, Grandma,\" replied Johnny, \"if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14246,
"title": "Alligator"
},
{
"body": "Baby Brother \r\n\r\nLittle Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, \"Where'd we get him?\"\r\n\r\nHis mother says, \"Heaven, Johnny.\"\r\n\r\nJohnny says, \"Geez, I can see why they threw him out.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14247,
"title": "Baby Brother"
},
{
"body": "Baked Beans \r\n\r\nOne of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.\r\n\r\nHe tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.\r\n\r\nThe dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, \"Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?\"\r\n\r\nJane replied, \"Nothing new, why do you ask?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said Mary, \"this morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the canary.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14249,
"title": "Baked Beans"
},
{
"body": "Blood Circulation \r\n\r\nA teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, \"Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, sir,\" the boys said.\r\n\r\n\"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny shouted, \"'Cause yer feet ain't empty.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14251,
"title": "Blood Circulation"
},
{
"body": "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14253,
"title": "Loathe"
},
{
"body": "Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed. \r\n\r\n\"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?\" Harry asks. \r\n\r\nTed says, \"Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?\" \r\n\r\nEveryone is shocked. \"I heard about this kind of thing happening!\" Bill says. \"What did the alien do to you?\" \r\n\r\n\"I don't remember all the details,\" Ted says. \"All I remember is being anally probed by the alien.\" \r\n\r\nEveryone is horrified. \"I heard that they'll do that!\" Steve says. \"What did the alien look like?\" \r\n\r\nTed responds, \"Bill.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14255,
"title": "Alien Abduction"
},
{
"body": "What's the most dangerous insect?\r\n\r\nThe hepatitis bee.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14256,
"title": "Floats Like a Butterfly"
},
{
"body": "The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer, so the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.\r\n\r\n\"I'll tell you why,\" shouted Deacon Brown. \"Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" interrupted the dealer, \"didn't you receive them?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, we received them all right,\" replied Deacon Brown.\r\n\r\n\"However, you sent us golf pencils; each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 14257,
"title": "The Office Supplies"
},
{
"body": "a = b, b = c, a = c.\r\n\r\nMath Teacher: If a = b and b = c then a = c. Now give me the practical example of this principle from real life.\r\n\r\nStudent: I love you, sir, and you love your daughter, which means I love your daughter.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14259,
"title": "A = b B = c A = c"
},
{
"body": "Ahmed was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Tauseef Khan. As Tauseef stood beside the bed, Ahmed's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Tauseef lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Ahmed used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note, then died.\r\n\r\nTauseef thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Tauseef was visting Ahmed's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Ahmed died.\r\n\r\n\"You know,\" he said, \"Ahmed handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing him, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.\" He unfolded the note and read aloud, \"You're - standing - on - my - oxygen - tube!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14261,
"title": "Sick Joke"
},
{
"body": "HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!\r\nSHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!\r\n\r\nHE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?\r\nSHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!\r\n\r\nHE: How did you get to be so beautiful?\r\nSHE: I must have been given your share!\r\n\r\nHE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?\r\nSHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!\r\n\r\nHE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!\r\nSHE: Okay, get out!\r\n\r\nHE: I think I could make you very happy\r\nSHE: Why? Are you leaving?\r\n\r\nHE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?\r\nSHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!\r\n\r\nHE: Can I have your name?\r\nSHE: Why, don't you already have one?\r\n\r\nHE: Shall we go and see a film?\r\nSHE: I've already seen it!\r\n\r\nHE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?\r\nSHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!\r\n\r\nHE: Where have you been all my life?\r\nSHE: Hiding from you.\r\n\r\nHE: Haven't I seen you some place before?\r\nSHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there any more.\r\n\r\n\r\nHE: Is this seat empty?\r\nSHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 14263,
"title": "Argument"
},
{
"body": "Dating process :\r\n6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.\r\n6 months : Of course I love U.\r\n6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?\r\n\r\nBack from Work:\r\n6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.\r\n6 months : BACK!!\r\n6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??\r\n\r\nGifts:\r\n6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.\r\n6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living\r\nroom.\r\n6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.\r\n\r\nPhone Ringing:\r\n6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.\r\n6 months : Here, for you.\r\n6 years : PHONE RINGING.\r\n\r\nCooking:\r\n6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!\r\n6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?\r\n6 years : AGAIN!!!!\r\n\r\nApology:\r\n6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.\r\n6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.\r\n6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??\r\n\r\nNew Dress:\r\n6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.\r\n6 months : You bought a new dress again???\r\n6 years : How much did THAT cost me?\r\n\r\nPlanning for Vacations:\r\n6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??\r\n6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?\r\n6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???\r\n\r\nTV:\r\n6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?\r\n6 months : I like this movie.\r\n6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I\r\ncan stay up by myself.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14264,
"title": "People Change Wd Time"
},
{
"body": "1.dumb guy: I have'nt slept all nite on the train.\r\nFriend: Why?\r\nDumb guy: Got upper berth.\r\nFriend: Why did'nt you exchange?\r\nDumb guy: oye, there was nobody to exchange with in the lower berth.\r\n\r\n2. A Teacher lecturing on population -\r\nIn India, every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid.\r\nA dumb guy stands up - We must find & stop her! \r\n\r\n3. Dumb guy - Why are all these people running?\r\nMan - This is a race, the winner will get the cup.\r\nDumb guy - If only the winner will get the cup, why are the\r\nothers running?\r\n\r\n4. Teacher: \"I killed a person.\" Convert this sentence into future tense.\r\nDumn guy: The future tense is, \"You will go to jail.\"\r\n\r\n5. Dumb guy gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, \r\nclimbs tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this.\r\nDumb guy: \"I've been promoted as branch manager.\" \r\n\r\n6. Dumb guy was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column \"Salary Expected\".\r\nAfter much thought he wrote : Yes!\r\n\r\n7. One dumb guy professor asked a plumber to come to his college.\r\nYou know why? \r\nBecause he wanted to check where the question paper \r\nis leaking...\r\n \r\n8. Dumb guy told his servant: Go and water the plants. \r\nServant: It's raining.\r\nDumb guy: So what? Take an umbrella and go. \r\n \r\n8. Dumb guy found the answer to the most difficult \r\nquestion ever -\r\nWhat will come first, chicken or egg? \r\nO Yaar, what ever you order first will come first. \r\n \r\n10. dum guy wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. \r\nDealer gave 11 \r\ncr after deducting tax. Angry dum guy: \"Give me 20 \r\ncr or else return my 20 \r\nRs back.! \r\n \r\n11. Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U \r\nThis Packet \r\ndum guy:- why did u come so far. Instead u could \r\nhave posted it....",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14265,
"title": "Dumb Guy Jokes..Lots of Em!"
},
{
"body": "How to identify a dumb guy.\r\n\r\nYou should be sure the person is a dum guy when he:\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to make up his mind.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Gets stabbed in a shoot-out.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Tries to drown a fish in water.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Thinks socialism means partying.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Trips over a cordless phone.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 At the bottom of the application where it says \"Sign Here\" he puts \"Sagittarius.\"\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Studies for a blood test and fails.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Sells the car for gas money.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, \"Airport left\", he turns around and goes home.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14266,
"title": "How 2 Identify a Dum Guy=P"
},
{
"body": "Then there was the dyslexic robber who held up the bank with a gnu.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14268,
"title": "The Robber"
},
{
"body": "How do you confuse a frog?\r\n\r\nPut it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nHow does a frog confuse you?\r\n\r\nWhen he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14269,
"title": "Frogs"
},
{
"body": "There was this really annoying elephant named Izzy who loved to brag.\r\n\r\nOne day she went up to a camel, Mell, and said, \"I am the most beautiful animal you'll ever see!!\"\r\n\r\nMell looked at her like she was crazy and said no you're not!\r\n\r\nIzzy said, \"Well, I look better than you because I don't have two boobs on my back!\"\r\n\r\nMell replied, \"True, very true. But at least I don't have a dick on my face.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14270,
"title": "Camel and Elephant"
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between you and a ho?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThe ho is smarter.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 14271,
"title": "Smartness"
},
{
"body": "A preacher, who shall we say, was \"humor impaired,\" attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.\r\n\r\nAmong the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit, and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, \"The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!\" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, \"And that woman was my mother!\" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.\r\n\r\nThe next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.\r\n\r\nGetting to the microphone he said loudly, \"The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of woman that was not my wife!\" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, \"...and I can't remember who she was!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 14272,
"title": "And She Was . . . ."
},
{
"body": "The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world.\r\n\r\nDear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh\r\n\r\nDear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments, but I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena\r\n\r\nDear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville\r\n\r\nDear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina\r\n\r\nDear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron\r\n\r\nDear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14273,
"title": "Dear Pastor I"
},
{
"body": "Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven some day because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago\r\n\r\nDear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma\r\n\r\nDear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota\r\n\r\nDear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City\r\n\r\nDear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14274,
"title": "Dear Pastor II"
},
{
"body": "Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.\r\n\r\nDear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix\r\n\r\nDear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11\r\n\r\nDear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermo",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14275,
"title": "Dear Pastor III"
},
{
"body": "Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?\r\nNoah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.\r\n\r\nWho was the greatest female financier in the Bible?\r\nPharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.\r\n\r\nWho was the greatest comedian in the Bible?\r\nSamson. He brought the house down.\r\n\r\nWhere is the first baseball game in the Bible?\r\nIn the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.\r\n\r\nWho is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?\r\nDavid. He rocked Goliath to sleep.\r\n\r\nWhat is the best way to get to Paradise?\r\nTurn right and go straight.\r\n\r\nWhere is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?\r\nWhen Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 14276,
"title": "Biblical Q & A"
},
{
"body": "\"You're in incredible shape,\" the doctor said. \"How old are you again?\"\r\n\"I am 78,\" said the man.\r\n\"78!\" remarked the doctor. \"How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old.\"\r\n\"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down,\" the man explained.\r\n\"What does that have to do with it?\" asked the doctor.\r\n\r\n\"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14278,
"title": "The Fit Club"
},
{
"body": "It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.\r\n\r\nIt's been proven that people can lessen reactions to allergies by laughing.\r\n\r\nLaughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system.\r\n\r\nSix-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day.Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.\r\n\r\nIn the middle ages, people would pin the name of their sweetheart to their sleeve on Valentine's Day and keep it there for a week, hence 'wearing their heart on their sleeve'.\r\n\r\nIt was during the Victorian era that the formerly nude Cupid was redesigned as wearing a skirt.\r\n\r\nThe human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet!!\r\n\r\nFebruary 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.\r\n\r\nTomato Ketchup was once used as medicine in the United States. Was sold as \"Dr.Miles Compound Extract of Tomato\"\r\n\r\nWhen you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red\r\n\r\nDating back to the 1600's, thermometers were filled with Brandy instead of mercury\r\n\r\nThe quartz crystal in your wristwatch vibrates 32,768 times a second\r\n\r\nAn earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards.\r\n\r\nShoe sizes were standardized in Britain in 1885\r\n\r\nThe average person's eyes will be closed about 30 minutes a day due to blinking.\r\n\r\nWomen blink nearly twice as much as men.\r\n\r\nEvery day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die.\r\n\r\nThere are at least 40 known carcinogens in cigarettes.\r\n\r\nThe earliest British expeditions tackling Everest wore tweed jackets, woolen underwear, and leather boots.\r\n\r\nThe amniotic fluid that surrounds a baby in the womb is completely replaced every three hours.\r\n\r\nDuring World War II, twice as many fighter pilots were killed during training than combat",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14279,
"title": "Amazing Facts 1"
},
{
"body": "#\r\nDuring World War II, twice as many fighter pilots were killed during training than combat\r\n\r\n#\r\nIn 1962 an outbreak of contagious laughter in Tanganyika lasted for six months and caused schools to be closed\r\n\r\n#\r\nA nautical mile measures 6,080 feet while a land or statute mile is 5,280 feet\r\n\r\n#\r\nNo one can drown in the Dead Sea. It is 25 percent salt, which makes the water very heavy\r\n\r\n#\r\nPlants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water\r\n\r\n#\r\nEarth's oceans contain 7 1/2 million tons of gold, dissolved in the water\r\n\r\n#\r\nChildren who are breastfed tend to have an I.Q. seven points higher than children who are not.\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe bird flu virus could evolve into a form that is easily spread between people, resulting in a highly contagious and lethal disease.\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe Chinese, in olden days, used marijuana only as a remedy for dysentery.\r\n\r\n#\r\nIf you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.\r\n\r\n#\r\nTo make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers\r\n\r\n#\r\nHeroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.\r\n\r\n#\r\nCommunications giant Nokia was founded in 1865 as a wood-pulp mill by Fredrik Idestam.\r\n\r\n#\r\nTourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!\r\n\r\n#\r\nPeople in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.\r\n\r\n#\r\nAlbert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14280,
"title": "Amazing Facts 2"
},
{
"body": "#\r\nAstronauts can't belch- there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.\r\n\r\n#\r\nAncient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!\r\n\r\n#\r\nBecause of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe night of January 20 is \"Saint Agnes's Eve,\" which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.\r\n\r\n#\r\nThere are over 25 million bubbles waiting to burst out of each bottle of Champagne\r\n\r\n#\r\nGoogle is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros\r\n\r\n#\r\nIt takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe \"heat\" of peppers is rated on the Scoville scale\r\n\r\n#\r\nGold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years\r\n\r\n#\r\nYour tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end\r\n\r\n#\r\nIf you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.\r\n\r\n#\r\nEach year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.\r\n\r\n#\r\nWhen it originally appeared in 1886 - Coca Cola was billed as an Esteemed Brain Tonic and Intellectual Beverage.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14281,
"title": "Amazing Facts 3"
},
{
"body": "#\r\nZero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals\r\n\r\n#\r\nKites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe song, \"Auld Lang Syne\" is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.\r\n\r\n#\r\nFor every real Christmas tree harvested, two to three seedlings are planted in its place.\r\n\r\n#\r\nDrinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent\r\n\r\n#\r\nPeanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450\u00c2\u00b0F\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe Shell Oil Company originally began as a novelty shop in London that sold seashells\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.\r\n\r\n#\r\nNine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man\r\n\r\n#\r\nAirports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density\r\n\r\n#\r\nFish and Chip selling officially remained an offensive trade until 1940 due to the smell it produces\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe University of Alaska spans four time zones\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.\r\n\r\n#\r\nIn ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14282,
"title": "Amazing Facts 4"
},
{
"body": "#1\r\nDo you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru(See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru(Speak no evil).\r\n2\r\n#\r\nWarner Comm. paid $28 million for the copyright to the song 'Happy Birthday.'\r\n\r\n#3\r\nIntelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.\r\n\r\n#4\r\nA comet's tail always points away from the sun.\r\n\r\n#5\r\nThe \"Swine flu\" vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.\r\n\r\n#6\r\nCaffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.\r\n\r\n#7\r\nThe military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.\r\n\r\n#8\r\nIf you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.\r\n\r\n#9\r\nWhen a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.\r\n\r\n#10\r\nTrivia is the Roman goddess of sorcery, hounds and... the crossroads.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14283,
"title": "Amzaing Facts 5"
},
{
"body": "#1\r\nIn ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.\r\n\r\n#2\r\nStrawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.\r\n\r\n#3\r\nAvocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.\r\n\r\n#4\r\nIt cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending machines.\r\n\r\n#5\r\nThe moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.\r\n\r\n#6\r\nThe Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.\r\n\r\n#7\r\nDue to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.\r\n\r\n#8\r\nMen's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts have the buttons on the left.\r\n\r\n#9\r\nMickey Mouse is known as \"Topolino\" in Italy.\r\n\r\n#10\r\nSoldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.\r\n\r\n#11\r\nThe painting that won second place in a competition held by the US National Academy of Design was hanging upside down when it was judged.\r\n\r\n#12\r\nEverything weighs one percent less at the equator.\r\n\r\n#13\r\nFor every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.\r\n\r\n#14\r\nThe letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.\r\n\r\n#15\r\nSnake venom is ninety percent protein.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14284,
"title": "Amazing Facts 6"
},
{
"body": "#\r\nIn 1875 the director of the US patent office resigned. He said that there was nothing left to invent\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe Channel between England and France grows about 300 millimeters each year\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle\r\n\r\n#\r\nOffered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name\r\n\r\n#\r\nOn average, a person has two million sweat glands\r\n\r\n#\r\nGrapes explode when you put them in the microwave.\r\n\r\n#\r\nWearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.\r\n\r\n#\r\nYour tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples\r\n\r\n#\r\n97% of the earth's water is undrinkable\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe Earth gets heavier each day by tons, as meteoric dust settles on it\r\n\r\n#\r\nAll babies are color blind when they are born\r\n\r\n#\r\nBabies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old\r\n\r\n#\r\n14 million people were killed in World War I, 20 million died in flu epidemic in the years that followed\r\n\r\n#\r\nThere are more than 40,000 characters in the Chinese script\r\n\r\n#\r\nVision requires more brain power than the other four senses\r\n\r\n#\r\nOn average, men are 40% muscle and 15% fat; women are 23% muscle and 25% fat\r\n\r\n#\r\nThere are no public toilets in Peru\r\n\r\n#\r\nUrine and tears have the same basic ingredients\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been digested by a bee.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14285,
"title": "Amazing Facts 7"
},
{
"body": "#1\r\nEvery time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.\r\n\r\n#2\r\nHistorically, a blue ribbon has been awarded for first prize.\r\n\r\n#3\r\nThe motto of M-G-M movie studios is Art for Art's Sake.\r\n\r\n#4\r\nThe lion that roars in the MGM logo is named \"Volney.\"\r\n\r\n#5\r\nIt cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it.\r\n\r\n#6\r\nThe Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.\r\n\r\n#7\r\nThe Mercedes-Benz motto is 'Das Beste oder Nichts' meaning 'the best or nothing'.\r\n\r\n#8\r\nThe color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.\r\n\r\n#9\r\nThere are more Rolls Royce cars in Hong Kong than anywhere else in the world.\r\n\r\n#10\r\nX-ray technology has shown there are 3 different versions of the Mona Lisa under the visible one.\r\n\r\n#11\r\nThe pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.\r\n\r\n#12\r\nIt takes only about 8 minutes for the Space Shuttle to accelerate to a speed of more than 27,359 km/hour.\r\n\r\n#12\r\nHydroponics is the technique by which plants are grown in water without soil.\r\n\r\n#14\r\nTime magazine named the computer its \"Man of the Year\" in 1982.\r\n\r\n#15\r\nChewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from producing tears.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14286,
"title": "Amazing Facts 8"
},
{
"body": "#\r\nYour left lung is smaller in size than your right lung, it is like that in order to make room for your heart.\r\n\r\n#\r\nUntil babies are six months old, they can breathe and swallow at the same time\r\n\r\n#\r\nMale human brains are about 10 percent heavier than female brains\r\n\r\n#\r\nBefore 1800 there were no separately designed shoes for right and left feet\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe glossy look to lipstick comes from fish scales, which are iridescent\r\n\r\n#\r\nTo find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe\r\n\r\n#\r\nHoney is used as a center for golf balls and in antifreeze mixtures\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe original name for the butterfly was 'flutterby'\r\n\r\n#\r\nYour body weight is lower at 9 A.M. than at any other time of the day\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night\r\n\r\n#\r\n40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals\r\n\r\n#\r\nWithout any greenhouse effect, Earth would be cold and lifeless with an average temp of 0.4\u00c2\u00baF\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe primary purpose of growing rice in flooded paddies is to drown the weeds surrounding the young seedlings. Rice can, in fact, be grown in drained areas\r\n\r\n#\r\nNot a single new livestock animal has been domesticated in the last 4,000 years\r\n\r\n#\r\nBone China is so called because powdered animal bone is mixed with the clay to give it translucency and whiteness",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14287,
"title": "Amazing Facts 9"
},
{
"body": "#\r\nThe original reason for tablecloths was as a towel to wipe one's fingers and hands on after eating\r\n\r\n#\r\nMount Everest moves approximately 2.4 inches (10 cm) in a Northeasterly direction every year\r\n\r\n#\r\nMickey Mouse has four fingers on each hand\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe bark of a redwood tree is fireproof. Fires that occur in a redwood forest take place inside the trees\r\n\r\n#\r\nThe storage capacity of human brain exceeds four Terra bytes\r\n\r\n#\r\nThere are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun\r\n\r\n#\r\nBecause of the rotation of the earth, an object can be thrown farther if it is thrown west\r\n\r\n#\r\nIn 2001, the five most valuable brand names in order were Coca-Cola, Microsoft, IBM, GE, and Nokia\r\n\r\n#\r\nAfter the \"Popeye\" comic strip started in 1931, spinach consumption went up by 33 percent in the US\r\n\r\n#\r\nA rainbow can only occur when the sun is 40 degrees or less above the horizon\r\n\r\n#\r\nAt 40\u00c2\u00b0 Centigrade a person loses about 14.4 calories per hour by breathing\r\n\r\n#\r\nMost gemstones contain several elements. Except the diamond it's all carbon\r\n\r\n#\r\nOnions help reduce cholesterol if eaten after a fatty meal\r\n\r\n#\r\nIt has been calculated that in the last 3,500 years, there have only been 230 years of peace throughout the civilized world\r\n\r\n#\r\nFeb 1865 and Feb 1999 are the only months in recorded history not to have a full moon",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14288,
"title": "Amazing Facts 10"
},
{
"body": "A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there, two nuns look at him and he says, \"Good morning, Sisters,\" and they reply, \"You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.\"\r\n\r\nThis stuns the priest, who thought he had been very polite, but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, \"Good morning, Brother.\" The Brother replies, \"You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.\" The priest was very confused at this and goes on.\r\n\r\nHe gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, \"Good morning, Father.\" The priest replies, \"You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.\" Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dining hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, \"Father ...\" The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, \"No, I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.\" The bishop looks at him stunned and says, \"What?\" The priest realised his mistake and said, \"I am sorry, your holiness, what is it you want?\" The bishop looks at him and says, \"I was only going to ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 14289,
"title": "Good Morning, Sisters"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat when she got into the UPS truck they had to change the name to DOWNS",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14290,
"title": "Yo Mama and the UPS Truck"
},
{
"body": "A drunk lay slumped outside a bar, in serious need of a drink.\r\nA passing priest and bishop started to lecture him on the evils of alcohol.\r\n\"You should be more like God, like me,\" said one.\r\nThe other argued, \"No, my son, more like me. I am more like God.\"\r\nThe two holy men then argued over which was more like God.\r\n\r\nFinally, the drunk interrupted. \"I'm more like God than either of you arguing hypocrites, and if you give me ten bucks, I'll prove it!\"\r\nThey accepted his challenge and each handed him five dollars. As the drunk stood, he said, \"You two go sit in the bar and when I enter you'll have your proof.\" The bishop entered first and the barkeep said, \"Good afternoon, Bishop, what'll you have?\" Then the priest entered and the barkeep said, \"Good afternoon, Father, what'll you have?\"\r\nFinally, the drunk came in waving his ten dollars.\r\n\r\nThe bartender shrugged, \"Oh, God, not you again!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 14294,
"title": "Good Afternoon, Bishop"
},
{
"body": "What breaks up a redneck orgy?\r\n\r\nWhen mom and dad/uncle arrive home too soon.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14295,
"title": "Redneck Orgy"
},
{
"body": "dum guy calls Air India.\r\n\"How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?\"\r\n\"Just a sec,\" says the rep.\r\nThank you.\" says the dum guy and hangs up. \r\n\r\n>Once a dum guy was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 Rupees, the dum guy deserved more service. So, when the dum guy fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the dum guy was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. \r\nSaid his wife \" What's the matter?\"\r\nReplied he \"The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else\" \r\n\r\n>john is called for an interview in some firm. He lands there on time. He is immediately hauled inside in front of the interviewing officer. Officer looks at john then goes through his certificates and then starts asking him questions. \r\nFollowing is the transcript : \r\nO : Mr. john, after seeing your qualifications & credentials I would like to ask you only some simple questions.If you can answer those then you are selected. First we will start with some opposites \r\nJ : Yes Sir. \r\nOfficer started asking questions\r\nJ : Above \r\nO : Below \r\nJ : Front \r\nJ : Back \r\nO : Left \r\nJ : Right \r\nO : Male \r\nJ : Female \r\nO : Ugly (means Next in Punjabi) \r\nJ : Pichhly (means Previous in Punjabi) \r\nO : Ugly...U-G-L-Y( Officer spells it) \r\nJ : Pichhly...P-I-C-H-H-L-Y( Our john also spells it) \r\nO : U.....G.....L ...... Y.....(Officer shouts) \r\nJ : P ..... I ..... C ..... H ....... H ...... L ..... Y...... Our john also shouts) Officer is now angry. \r\nO : Get out \r\nJ : Come in. \r\nO : Quiet please. \r\nJ : Talk please. \r\nO : You are rejected. \r\nJ : I am selected \r\n....... ....... and This is how john got his job.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14296,
"title": "Cool Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Mr.Watt rang the phone at the residence of Mr.Knott.\r\n\r\n\"Who's calling?\" asked Knott.\r\n\"Watt.\"\r\n\"What is your name, please?\"\r\n\"Watt's my name.\"\r\n\"That's what I asked you. What's your name?\"\r\n\"That's what I told you. Watt's my name.\"\r\nA long pause, and then from Watt, \"Is this James Brown?\"\r\n\"No, this is Knott.\"\r\n\"Please tell me your name.\"\r\n\"Will Knott.\"\r\n\r\nYOU LEFT THE TALKERS AT A POINT WHERE THEY WERE TOTALLY CONFUSED.\r\nREAD THE REST OF WHAT HAPPENED...\r\n\r\n\"Why not?\"\r\n\"Huh? What do you mean why not?\"\r\n\"Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?\"\r\n\"But I told you my name!\"\r\n\"Didn't you say you will not?\"\r\n\"Not not, knott, Will Knott!\"\r\n\"That's what I mean.\"\r\n\"So you know my name.\"\r\n\"Of course not!\"\r\n\"Good. So now, what is yours?\"\r\n\"Watt. Yours?\"\r\n\"Your name!\"\r\n\"Watt's my name.\"\r\n\"How the hell do I know? I am asking you!\"\r\n\"Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name and you have not even told me yours yet.\"\r\n\"You have been patient, what about me?\"\r\n\"I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not told me yours yet.\"\r\n\"Of course not!\"\r\n\"See, you even know my name!\"\r\n\"Of course not!\"\r\n\"Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?\"\r\n\"Because I don't.\"\r\n[Pause]\r\n\r\n\"What is your name?\"\r\n\"See, you know my name!\"\r\n\"Of course not!\"\r\n\"Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?\"\r\n\"To find out your name!\"\r\n\"But you already know it!\"\r\n\"What?\"\r\n\"See, but you know mine!\"\r\n\"Of course not!\"\r\n\"Exactly!\"\r\n\r\nNOW THEY ARE AT A POINT WHERE BOTH THINK THE OTHER KNOWS THEIR\r\nNAME,BUT THEY THEMSELVES DON'T KNOW THE OTHER'S NAME.\r\n\r\n\"Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name is, what will be\r\nyour answer?\"\r\n\"Watt's my name.\"\r\n\"No, no, give me only one word.\"\r\n\"Watt\"\r\n\"Your name!\"\r\n\"Right!\"\r\n[Pause before it hits him]\r\n\"Oh, Wright!\"\r\n\"Yeah!\"\r\n\"So why didn't you say it before?\"\r\n\"I told you so many times!\"\r\n\"You never said Wright before\"\r\n\"Of course I did.\"\r\n\"Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?\"\r\n\"I do not.\"\r\n\"Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.\"\r\n\"I do not!\"\r\n\"Good!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14297,
"title": "Mr.Watt N Nott"
},
{
"body": "At dawn the telephone rings.\r\n\r\n\"Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker\"\r\n\r\n\"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?\"\r\n\r\n\"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died\"\r\n\r\n\"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?\"\r\n\r\n\"That's the one.\"\r\n\r\n\"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?\"\r\n\r\n\"From eating rotten meat.\"\r\n\r\n\"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?\"\r\n\r\n\"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses.\"\r\n\r\n\"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?\"\r\n\r\n\"Why, those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart.\"\r\n\r\n\"Are you insane? What water cart?\"\r\n\r\n\"The one we used to put out the fire.\"\r\n\r\n\"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?\"\r\n\r\n\"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire.\"\r\n\r\n\"What the...! But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?\"\r\n\r\n\"For the funeral.\"\r\n\r\n\"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?\"\r\n\r\n\"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14299,
"title": "How He Broke Bad Newz =P"
},
{
"body": "\"Man\" jokez..n a boy joke..\r\nA man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the things of life, and his own personal problems. He couldn't find the answers so he sought help from God.\r\n\"God, God, you there God?\" he asked.\r\n\"Yes, what is it my son?\" God answered.\r\n\"I have a few questions; mind if I ask?\" the man said.\r\n\"Go ahead, my son, anything.\"\r\n\"God, what is a million years to you?\"\r\nGod answered, \"A million years to me is only a second\"\r\nThe the man asked again, \"God, what is a million dollars worth to you?\"\r\nGod replied, \"A million dollars to me is worth only a penny.\"\r\nThe man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. \"God, can I have a penny?\"\r\nGod answered, \"Sure, in a second.\" \r\n\r\nA young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. \r\nThe old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, \"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. \r\n\"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. \r\n\"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.\" \r\n\"And that's how you built an empire?\" the boy asked. \r\n\"Heavens, no!\" the man replied. \"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.\" \r\n\r\nDave won $1,000 from a Microsoft XBOX competition. When they asked what will he do with the money, he said \"I'm buying Playstation 3!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14304,
"title": "\"man\" Jokez..n a Boy Joke.."
},
{
"body": "An Imam was selling his horse in the market. An interested buyer came to him and requested if he could get a test drive. The Imam told the man that this horse is unique. In order to make it walk, you have to say Subhanallah. To make it run, you have to say Alhamdulillah and to make it stop, you have to say Allahu Akbar. The man sat on the horse and said Subhanallah. The horse started to walk. Then he said Alhamdulillah and it started to run. He kept saying Alhamdulillah and the horse started running faster and faster. All of a sudden the man noticed that the horse is running towards the edge of the hill that he was riding on. Being overly fearful, he forgot how to stop the horse. He kept saying all these words out of confusion. When the horse was just near the edge, he remembered Allahu Akbar and said it out loud. The horse stopped just one step away from the edge. The man took a deep breath, looked up towards the sky and said Alhamdulillah! \r\n\r\n\r\nIn a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. \r\n\r\nThis puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. \r\n\r\nThe next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. \r\n\r\nJust when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14305,
"title": "JOKES"
},
{
"body": "In Year 1981\r\n1. Prince Charles got married\r\n2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe\r\n3. Australia lost the Ashes\r\n4. Pope Died\r\n\r\nIn Year 2005\r\n1. Prince Charles got married (again)\r\n2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe(again)\r\n3. Australia lost the Ashes (again)\r\n4. Pope Died (again)\r\n\r\nMoral of the story -\r\nIn future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry....\r\n\r\nPlease warn the Pope",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14309,
"title": "POPE"
},
{
"body": "James Bond: \"My name is Bond\" Continuing in his inimitable style, \"......James Bond.\"\r\n\r\nThen Bond asks: \"And you?\"\r\n\r\nTelugu Guy: \"My name is Rao...\r\nSiva Rao... \r\nSamba Siva Rao... \r\nVenkata Samba Siva Rao... \r\nYarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao... \r\nRajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao... \r\nSitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao... \r\nVijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...\" \r\n\r\nSince then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says \"James Bond\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14312,
"title": "Don't Have a Title"
},
{
"body": "The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, \"You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.\" \r\n\r\nOn her next visit the psychiatrist asked, \"Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" the boy's mother answered. \r\n\r\n\"And how is your son now?\" the psychiatrist asked. \r\n\r\n\"Who cares?\" the mother replied.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14313,
"title": "Who Cares"
},
{
"body": "THIS WAS REAL!\r\n\r\nMy brother and his friend went out to eat at a restaurant. The restaurant was packed so they had to wait. The waitress then asked them for a name so she could call them when their table was ready. My brother's friend decided to give her a fake name.\r\n\r\nSo then my brother and his friend were waiting. When it they were finally called, this is what could be heard throughout the whole entire restaurant,\r\n\r\n\"Balz, party of two!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14317,
"title": "Restaurant Games"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you carry more than two extra tires in the back of your truck.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14325,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck If........"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you were married in a laundromat.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14326,
"title": "Redneck: Married"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you eat cotton candy more than three times a week.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14327,
"title": "Redneck: Cotton Candy"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if the only thing you inherited from your father was alcoholism.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14328,
"title": "Redneck: Inherit"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if both you and your wife wore ponytails on your wedding day.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14329,
"title": "Redneck: Wedding"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if there is a four-wheeler parked in your bedroom.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14330,
"title": "Redneck: Four- Wheeler"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you think that \"home security\" means taking the front steps to your trailer with you when you leave the house.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14331,
"title": "Redneck: \"home Security\""
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if your bar tab has page numbers.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14332,
"title": "Redneck: Bar"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if you constantly call the feed and seed store to see if the cat has had her kittens yet.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14333,
"title": "Redneck: Cat"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if your father-in-law said that you had no class, so you spit at him.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14334,
"title": "Redneck: Father-in-law"
},
{
"body": "01\r\nThe first Prime minister of Bangladesh was Mujibur Rehman\r\n02\r\nThe longest river in the world is the Nile\r\n03\r\nThe longest highway in the world is the Trans-Canada\r\n04\r\nThe longest highway in the world has a length of about 8000 km\r\n05\r\nThe highest mountain in the world is the Everest\r\n06\r\nThe country that accounts for nearly one third of the total teak production of the world is Myanmar\r\n07\r\nThe biggest desert in the world is the Sahara desert\r\n08\r\nThe largest coffee growing country in the world is Brazil\r\n09\r\nThe country also known as \"Country of Copper\" is Zambia\r\n10\r\nThe name given to the border which separates Pakistan and Afghanistan is the Durand line\r\n11\r\nThe river Volga flows out into the Caspian sea\r\n12\r\nThe coldest place on the earth is Verkoyansk in Siberia\r\n13\r\nThe country which ranks second in terms of land area is\r\nCanada\r\n14\r\nThe largest island in the Mediterranean sea is Sicily\r\n15\r\nThe river Jordan flows into the Dead Sea\r\n16\r\nThe biggest delta in the world is the Sunderbans\r\n17\r\nThe capital city that stands on the river Danube is Belgrade\r\n18\r\nThe Japanese call their country Nippon\r\n19\r\nThe length of the English Channel is 564 kilometres\r\n20\r\nThe world's oldest known city is Damascus\r\n21\r\nThe city which is also known as the City of Canals is Venice\r\n22\r\nThe country in which river Wangchu flows is Myanmar\r\n23\r\nThe biggest island of the world is Greenland\r\n24\r\nThe city which is the biggest centre for the manufacture of automobiles in the world is Detroit,USA\r\n25\r\nThe country which is the largest producer of manganese in the world is USA\r\n26\r\nThe country which is the largest producer of rubber in the world is Malaysia\r\n27\r\nThe country which is the largest producer of tin in the world is Malaysia\r\n28\r\nThe river which the carries maximum quantity of water into the sea is the Mississippi\r\n29\r\nThe city which was once called the 'Forbidden City' was\r\nPeking",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14335,
"title": "Amazing Facts 11"
},
{
"body": "30\r\nThe country called the Land of Rising Sun is Japan\r\n31\r\nMount Everest was named after Sir George Everest\r\n32\r\nThe volcano Vesuvias is located in Italy\r\n33\r\nThe country known as the Suger Bowl of the world is Cuba\r\n34\r\nThe length of the Suez Canal is 162.5 kilometres\r\n35\r\nThe lowest point on earth is the coastal area of Dead Sea\r\n36\r\nThe Gurkhas are the original inhabitants of Nepal\r\n37\r\nThe largest ocean of the world is the Pacific ocean\r\n38\r\nThe largest bell in the world is the Tsar Kolkol at Kremlin, Moscow\r\n39\r\nThe biggest stadium in the world is the Strahov Stadium, Prague\r\n40\r\nThe world's largest diamond producing country is South Africa\r\n41\r\nAustralia was discovered by James Cook\r\n42\r\nThe first Governor General of Pakistan is Mohammed Ali Jinnah\r\n43\r\nDublin is situated at the mouth of River Liffey\r\n44\r\nThe earlier name of New York city was New Amsterdam\r\n45\r\nThe Eiffel tower was built by Alexander Eiffel\r\n46\r\nThe Red Cross was founded by Jean Henri Durant\r\n47\r\nThe country which has the greatest population density is\r\nMonaco\r\n48\r\nThe national flower of Britain is the rose\r\n49\r\nNiagara Falls was discovered by Louis Hennepin\r\n50\r\nThe national flower of Italy is lily\r\n51\r\nThe national flower of China is narcissus\r\n52\r\nThe permanent secretariat of the SAARC is located at\r\nKathmandu\r\n53\r\nThe gateway to the Gulf of Iran is Strait of Hormuz\r\n54\r\nThe first Industrial Revolution took place in England\r\n55\r\nWorld Environment Day is observed on 5th June\r\n56\r\nThe first Republican President President of America was\r\nAbraham Lincoln\r\n57\r\nThe country famous for the Samba dance is Brazil\r\n58\r\nThe name of Alexander's horse was Beucephalus\r\n59\r\nSingapore was founded by Sir Thomas Stamford Raffles",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14336,
"title": "Amazing Facts 12"
},
{
"body": "60\r\nThe famous British one-eyed Admiral was Nelson\r\n61\r\nThe earlier name of Sri Lanka was Ceylon\r\n62\r\nThe UNO was formed in the year 1945\r\n63\r\nUNO stands for United Nations Organisation\r\n64\r\nThe independence day of South Korea is celebrated on 15th August\r\n65\r\n`Last Judgement'was the first painting of an Italian painter named Michelangelo\r\n66\r\n'Paradise Regained' was written by John Milton\r\n67\r\nThe first President of Egypt was Mohammed Nequib\r\n68\r\nThe first man to reach North Pole was Rear Admiral Peary\r\n69\r\nThe most famous painting of Pablo Picasso was Guernica\r\n70\r\nThe primary producer of newsprint in the world is Canada\r\n71\r\nThe first explorer to reach the South Pole was Cap. Ronald Amundson\r\n72\r\nThe person who is called the father of modern Italy is Giuseppe Garibaldi\r\n73\r\nWorld literacy day is celebrated on 8th September\r\n74\r\nThe founder of modern Germany is Bismarck\r\n75\r\nThe country known as the land of the midnight sun is Norway\r\n76\r\nThe place known as the Roof of the World is Tibet\r\n77\r\nThe founder of the Chinese Republic was San Yat Sen\r\n78\r\nThe first Pakistani to receive the Nobel Prize was Abdul Salam\r\n79\r\nThe first woman Prime Minister of Britain was Margaret Thatcher",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14337,
"title": "Amazing Facts 13"
},
{
"body": "80\r\nThe first Secretary General of the UNO was Trygve Lie\r\n81\r\nThe sculptor of the statue of Liberty was Federick Auguste Bartholdi\r\n82\r\nThe port of Banku is situated in Azerbaijan\r\n83\r\nJohn F.Kennedy was assassinated by Lee Harry Oswald\r\n84\r\nThe largest river in France is Loire\r\n85\r\nThe Queen of England who married her brother-in-law was\r\nCatherine of Aragon\r\n86\r\nThe first negro to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize was\r\nRalph Johnson Bunche\r\n87\r\nThe first British University to admit women for degree courses was London University\r\n88\r\nThe principal export of Jamaica is sugar\r\n89\r\nNew York is popularly known as the City of Skyscrapers\r\n90\r\nMadagascar is popularly known as the Island of Cloves\r\n91\r\nThe country known as the Land of White Elephant is Thailand\r\n92\r\nThe country known as the Land of Morning Calm is Korea\r\n93\r\nThe country known as the Land of Thunderbolts is Bhutan\r\n94\r\nThe highest waterfalls in the world is the Salto Angel Falls, Venezuela\r\n95\r\nThe largest library in the world is the United States Library of Congress, Washington DC\r\n96\r\nThe largest museum in the world is the American Museum of Natural History\r\n97\r\nThe lowest mountain range in the world is Bhieuna Bhaile\r\n98\r\nThe country known as the Land of Cakes is Scotland\r\n99\r\nThe place known as the Garden of England is Kent\r\n100\r\nThe tallest tower in the world is the C. N. Tower, Toronto, Canada\r\n101\r\nThe country famous for its fish catch is Japan\r\n102\r\nThe old name of Taiwan was Formosa\r\n103\r\nMontreal is situated on the bank of river Ottawa\r\n104\r\nThe city of Bonn is situated in Germany\r\n105\r\nThe literal meaning of Renaissance is Revival\r\n106\r\nJulius Caesar was killed by Brutus\r\n107\r\nThe title of Desert Fox was given to Field Marshal Erwin Rommel\r\n108\r\nThe largest airport in the world is the King Khalid Int. Airport, Saudi Arabia\r\n109\r\nThe city in Russia which faced an earthquake in the year 1998 was Armenia",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14338,
"title": "Amazing Facts 14"
},
{
"body": "110\r\nThe largest bay in the world is Hudson Bay, Canada\r\n111\r\nThe largest church in the world is Bascilica of St.Peter, Vatican City, Rome\r\n112\r\nThe largest peninsula in the world is Arabia\r\n113\r\nThe largest gulf in the world is Gulf of Mexico\r\n114\r\nThe tallest statue in the world is the Motherland, Volgograd, Russia\r\n115\r\nThe largest railway tunnel in the world is the Oshimzu Tunnel, Japan\r\n116\r\nThe world's loneliest island is the Tristan da Cunha\r\n117\r\nThe word 'Quiz' was coined by Jim Daly, Irishman\r\n118\r\nThe original meaning of 'Quiz' was Trick\r\n119\r\nThe busiest shopping centre of London is Oxford Street\r\n120\r\nThe residence of the Queen in London is Buckingham Palace\r\n121\r\nAdolf Hitler was born in Austria\r\n122\r\nThe country whose National Anthem has only music but no words is Bahrain\r\n123\r\nThe largest cinema in the world is the Fox Theatre, Detroit, USA\r\n124\r\nThe country where there are no cinema theatres is Saudi Arabia\r\n125\r\nThe world's tallest office building is the Sears Tower, Chicago\r\n126\r\nIn the year 1811, Paraguay became independent from Spain\r\n127\r\nThe cross word puzzle was invented by Arthur Wynney\r\n128\r\nThe city which was the capital of the ancient Persian Empire was Persepolis\r\n129\r\nWHO stands for World Health Organisation\r\n130\r\nWHO is located at Geneva\r\n131\r\nFAO stands for Food and Agriculture Organisation\r\n132\r\nFAO is located at Rome and London\r\n133\r\nUNIDO stands for United Nations Industrial Development Organisation\r\n134\r\nUNIDO is located at Vienna\r\n135\r\nWMO stands for World Meteorological Organisation\r\n136\r\nWMO is located at Geneva\r\n137\r\nInternational Civil Aviation Organisation is located at\r\nMontreal \r\n138\r\nThe Angel Falls is located in Venezuela\r\n139\r\nThe Victoria Falls is located in Rhodesia",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14339,
"title": "Amazing Facts 15"
},
{
"body": "140\r\nIce Cream was discovered by Gerald Tisyum\r\n141\r\nThe number regarded as lucky number in Italy is thirteen\r\n142\r\nNapoleon suffered from alurophobia which means fear of cats\r\n143\r\nThe aeroplanes was used in war for the first time by Italians (14 Oct.1911)\r\n144\r\nSlavery in America was abolished by Abraham Lincoln\r\n145\r\nThe Headquarters of textile manufacturing in England is\r\nManchester\r\n146\r\nThe famous island located at the mouth of the Hudson river is Manhattan\r\n147\r\nThe founder of plastic industry was Leo Hendrik Bakeland\r\n148\r\nThe country where military service is compulsory for women is Israel\r\n149\r\nThe country which has more than 10,000 golf courses is\r\nUSA\r\n150\r\nThe famous painting 'Mona Lisa' is displayed at Louvre Museum, Paris\r\n151\r\nThe earlier name for tomato was love apple\r\n152\r\nThe first President of USA was George Washington\r\n153\r\nThe famous words 'Veni Vidi Vici' were said by Julius Caesar\r\n154\r\nThe practice of sterilization of surgical instruments was introduced by Joseph Lister\r\n155\r\nThe number of countries which participated in the first Olympic Games held at Athens was nine\r\n156\r\nMercury is also known as quicksilver\r\n157\r\nDisneyland is located in California, USA\r\n158\r\nThe country which built the first powerful long range rockets is Germany\r\n159\r\nThe sewing machine was invented by Isaac M. Singer\r\n160\r\nThe adding machine was invented by Aldrin\r\n161\r\nThe national emblem of Spain is the eagle\r\n162\r\nArchimedes was born in Sicily\r\n163\r\nThe total area of Vatican city is 0.272 Sq.kms\r\n164\r\nThe largest temple in the world is Angkorwat in Kampuchea\r\n165\r\nThe largest dome in the world is Louisiana Superdome, New Orleans, USA\r\n166\r\nThe largest strait in the world is Tartar Strait\r\n167\r\nThe Mohenjodaro ruins are found in Larkand District of Sind, Pakistan\r\n168\r\nThe largest city of Africa is Cairo\r\n169\r\nThe founder of KODAK Company was Eastman",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14340,
"title": "Amazing Facts 16"
},
{
"body": "170\r\nThe Cape of Good Hope is located in South Africa\r\n171\r\nHeathrow Airport is located in London\r\n172\r\nThe neon lamp was invented by Georges Claude\r\n173\r\nThe last letter of the Greek alphabet is Omega\r\n174\r\nThe place known as the land of Lincoln is Illinois\r\n175\r\nThe US state Utah is also known as the Beehive state\r\n176\r\nThe Kalahari desert is located in Africa\r\n177\r\nThe Pentagonian desert is located in Argentina\r\n178\r\nThe person known as the father of aeronautics is Sir George Cayley\r\n179\r\nThe most densely populated Island in the world is Honshu\r\n180\r\nThe two nations Haiti and the Dominion Republic together form the Island of Hispaniola\r\n181\r\nThe largest auto producer in the USA is General Motors\r\n182\r\nThe largest auto producing nation is Japan\r\n183\r\nThe famous General Motors company was founded by William Durant\r\n184\r\nThe country that brings out the FIAT is Italy\r\n185\r\nThe first actor to win an Oscar was Emil Jannings\r\n186\r\nThe first animated colour cartoon of full feature length was Snow White and Seven Dwarfs\r\n187\r\nThe first demonstration of a motion picture was held at Paris\r\n188\r\nThe first country to issue stamps was Britain\r\n189\r\nThe actor who is considered as the biggest cowboy star of the silent movies is Tom Mix\r\n190\r\nThe Pentagon is located at Washington DC\r\n191\r\nThe world's largest car manufacturing company is General Motors, USA\r\n192\r\nThe world's biggest manufacturer of bicycles is Hero cycles, Ludhiana\r\n193\r\nThe world's oldest underground railway is at London\r\n194\r\nThe White House was painted white to hide fire damage\r\n195\r\nThe largest oil producing nation in Africa is Nigeria\r\n196\r\nThe longest river in Russia is Ob-Irtysh\r\n197\r\nThe first Emperor of Germany was Wilhelm\r\n198\r\nThe last French monarch was Louis Napoleon III\r\n199\r\n\"History is Bunk\" was said by Henry Ford",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14341,
"title": "Amazing Facts 17"
},
{
"body": "200\r\nThe term 'astrology' literally means Star Speech\r\n201\r\nTogo is situated in Africa\r\n202\r\nCoal is also known as Black Diamond\r\n203\r\nThe first boxer to win 3 gold medals in Olympics was Laszlo Papp\r\n204\r\nThe first ruler who started war games for his soldiers was Genghis Khan\r\n205\r\nThe first cross word puzzle in the world was published in 1924 by London Sunday Express\r\n206\r\nThe lightest known metal is Lithium\r\n207\r\nThe Atacama Desert is located in North Chile\r\n208\r\nThe oil used to preserve timber is creosote oil\r\n209\r\nThe founder of USA was George Washington\r\n210\r\nThe first talkie feature film in USA was The Jazz Singer\r\n211\r\nThe chemical name of laughing gas is Nitrous Oxide\r\n212\r\nThe US state Mississipi is also known as Tar Heel State\r\n213\r\nThe US state Indiana is also known as Volunteer State\r\n214\r\nThe US state Missouri is also known as Hoosier State\r\n215\r\nThe US state West Virginia is also known as the Bluegrass State\r\n216\r\nThe US state known as 'Green Mountain State' is Vermont\r\n217\r\nThe US state known as 'Keystone State' is Pennsylvania\r\n218\r\nThe US state known as 'Natural State' is Arkansas\r\n219\r\nThe popular detective character created by Agatha Christie is Hercule Poirot\r\n220\r\nThe Pakistani President who died in an aircrash was Zia-ul-Huq\r\n221\r\nYoghurt means fermented milk\r\n222\r\nYankee is the nickname of American\r\n223\r\nThe International court of Justice is located in the Hague, Holland\r\n224\r\nThe headquarters of World Bank is located at Washington DC\r\n225\r\nVictoria Falls was discovered by David Livingstone\r\n226\r\nThe technique to produce the first test tube baby was evolved by Patrick Stepote and Robert Edwards\r\n227\r\nThe oldest residential university of Britain is the Oxford University\r\n228\r\nThe name of the large clock on the tower of the Houses of Parliament in London is called Big Ben\r\n229\r\nPrado museum is located in Madrid",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14342,
"title": "Amazing Facts 18"
},
{
"body": "230\r\nThe number of keys in an ordinary piano is eighty eight\r\n231\r\n'Man is a Tool Making Animal' was said by Benjamin Franklin\r\n232\r\nThe term 'anesthesia' was coined by Oliver Wendell Holmes\r\n233\r\nThe first man to reach Antartica was Fabian Gottlieb\r\n234\r\nThe Kilimanjaro volcano is situated in Tanzania\r\n235\r\nThe invention that is considered to have built America is dynamite",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14343,
"title": "Amazing Facts 19"
},
{
"body": "The Year 2038 Problem..........................\r\nTest it now... \r\nSteps... \r\n1. Login to yahoo messenger \r\n2. Send instant message to anyone - fine, it's working... \r\n3. Now, change your system date to 19-Jan-2038, 03:14:07 AM or above \r\n(as mentioned in mail) \r\n4. Confirm whether your date is changed \r\n5. Again send instant message to anyone... \r\nYour YM crahes.... \r\n\r\n* * * YES ALL NETWORK BASED APPLICATION WILL NOT WORK NOW * * * \r\n\r\nWhy.....? What is it? \r\n\r\nStarting at GMT 03:14:07, Tuesday, January 19, 2038, it is expected to see lots of systems around the world breaking magnificently: satellites falling out of orbit, massive power outages (like the 2003 North American blackout), hospital life support system failures, phone system interruptions, banking errors, etc. One second after this critical second, many of these systems will have wildly inaccurate date settings, producing all kinds of unpredictable consequences. In short, many of the dire predictions for the year 2000 are much more likely to actually occur in the year 2038! Consider the year 2000 just a dry run. In case you think we can sit on this issue for another 30 years before addressing it, consider that reports of temporal echoes of the 2038 problem are already starting to appear in future date calculations for mortgages and vital statistics!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14344,
"title": "Amazing Facts 20"
},
{
"body": "TEACHER: \"Can anybody give an example of 'COINCIDENCE?'\" \r\nSTUDENT: \"Sir, my mother and my father got married on the same day, same time.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14345,
"title": "Marriage"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots ! \r\nStudent: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14346,
"title": "Socks"
},
{
"body": "Game Set Match = Tennis\r\n\r\nSet Match Run = Arson",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14347,
"title": "Run"
},
{
"body": "There once was a captain of a ship, and every day at a certain time he would lock himself up in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this every day, but he told nobody what was inside the box. Then one day he died, and in his testament he gave the crew permission to open the box. So they opened the black box, and what they found was a piece of paper: \r\n\"Starboard is right, port is left.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14352,
"title": "Aye, Aye, Captain"
},
{
"body": "10.) \"We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at twenty dollars.\"\r\n9.) \"I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don't yet know the effects of high radiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags.\"\r\n8.) \"Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don't want to know its origin. I recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase.\"\r\n7.) \"Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that is why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's smoking them? HEY! YOU RAT! SAVE SOME FOR ME!\"\r\n6.) \"I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No, it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased package.\"\r\n5.) \"Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed.\"\r\n4.) \"For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: We are currently experiencing 'turbulence', a common by-product of 'air travel'. Please refrain from screams of mortal danger until we've safely landed.\"\r\n3.) \"Madam, please take your entree NOW, the tongs are melting.\"\r\n2.) \"We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his sobriety level; please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila.\"\r\n1.) \"This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar ... oh, SHIT!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14353,
"title": "Things You Don't Want to Hear in the Airport"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat that when someone asked her for her weight, he replied with, \"I asked for your weight, not your phone number.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14356,
"title": "Fat Momma"
},
{
"body": "If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.\r\n\r\nThey're trained for that.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14357,
"title": "Cop Out"
},
{
"body": "rats have more bones than men\r\nparrot can see backwards without turning its head\r\n \r\nHUMMING BIRD - (RUBY-THROATED)\r\n--------------------------------\r\nMASS: About 3-4g (a nickel weighs about 5g).\r\n\r\nLENGTH: About 8.5cm (3.5\") from tip of bill to tip of tail\r\n\r\nWING BEATS: About 60-80 times per second in normal flight, up to 200 times per second in courtship dives\r\n\r\nSPEED: Normal flight about 25mph; up to 65kph (40mph) in a courtship dive\r\nHEARTBEATS: About 250 times per minute while at rest, about 1,220 per minute while flying\r\n\r\nBREATHING: About 250 breaths per minute while at rest\r\n\r\nBODY TEMPERATURE: 40.5 degrees C (105-108 degrees F)\r\n\r\nFEATHERS: A typical Hum-bird has 940 feathers.\r\n\r\nFEED RATE: Eats about its weight in nectar or sugar water each day.\r\n\r\nAVERAGE AGE: Most hummingbirds die within their first year; those that don't \r\nprobably live an average of 3 years or so",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14358,
"title": "Amazing Facts 21"
},
{
"body": "Dolphins sleep with one eye open. \r\n\r\nBulls are color blind. \r\n\r\nA cow's only sweat glands are in its nose. \r\n\r\nMosquitoes have 47 teeth. \r\nThe Poison Arrow frog has enough poison to kill 2,200 people. \r\nEmus can't walk backwards. \r\nA group of unicorns is called a blessing. \r\nA group of kangaroos is called a mob. \r\nA group of owls is called a parliament. \r\nA group of ravens is called a murder. \r\nA group of bears is called a sleuth. \r\nTwelve or more cows is called a flink. \r\nA baby oyster is called a spat. \r\nSome fleas have split penises like a Y shape \r\nAn elephant can be pregnant for up to 2 years \r\nChickens can't swallow while they are upside down. \r\nThe average garden-variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head. \r\nA goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds. \r\nA mule won't sink in quicksand but a donkey will. \r\nMore people are killed annually by donkeys than in airplane crashes. \r\nAnimal breeders in Russia once claimed to have bred sheep with blue wool. \r\nPenguins are the only bird that can leap into the air like porpoises. \r\nIndia has 50 million monkeys. \r\nBy some unknown means, an iguana can end its own life. \r\nAmericans spend around $3 billion for cat and dog food a year. \r\nPigs can cover a mile in 7.5 minutes when running at top speed. \r\nThe shell constitutes 12 percent of an egg's weight. \r\nA squid has 10 tentacles. \r\nA snail's reproductive organs are in its head. \r\nWhen a horned toad is angry, it squirts blood from its eyes. \r\nThe typical hen lays 19 dozen eggs a year. \r\nThe ostrich has a 46-foot long small intestine. \r\nA scallop has 35 blue eyes. \r\nA swan is the only bird with a penis \r\nThe left leg of a chicken in more tender than the right one. \r\nThe only dog that doesn't have a pink tongue is the chow. \r\nDogs and humans are the only animals with prostates. \r\nThe giraffe has the highest blood pressure of any animal. \r\nZebras can't see the color orange. \r\nThere are more insects in ten square feet of a rain forest than there are people in Manhattan. \r\nIt is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not down",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14359,
"title": "Amazing Facts 22"
},
{
"body": "The smartest dogs are the Jack Russell Terrier and Scottish Border collie. Dumbest: Afgan hound.\r\n\r\nA rat can go without water longer than a camel can. \r\n\r\nThe fat molecules in goat's milk are 5 times smaller than those found in cow's milk. It takes 20 minutes for the stomach to break down as opposed to the hour that it takes to break down cow's milk.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14360,
"title": "Amazing Facts 23"
},
{
"body": "IN 24 HOURS AVERAGE HUMAN\r\n1) HEART beats 103,689 times.\r\n2) LUNGS respire 23,045 times.\r\n3) BLOOD flows 1,680,000 miles.\r\n4) NAILS grow 0.00007 inches.\r\n5) HAIR grows 0.01715 inches.\r\n6) Take 2.9 pounds WATER (including all liquids.)\r\n7) Take of 3.25 pounds FOOD.\r\n8) Breathes 438 cubic feet AIR.\r\n9) Lose 85.60 BODY TEMPERATURE.\r\n10) Produce 1.43 pints of SWEAT.\r\n11) Speak 4,800 WORDS.\r\n12) During SLEEP move 25.4 times.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14361,
"title": "Amazing Facts 24"
},
{
"body": "Until babies are six months old, they can breathe and swallow at the same time. Indeed convenient! \r\n\r\nOffered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name. \r\n\r\nMale mosquitoes are vegetarians. Only females bite. \r\n\r\nThe average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle. \r\n\r\nTo find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe. \r\n\r\nCanadians can send letters with personalized postage stamps showing their own photos on each stamp. \r\n\r\nBabies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old. \r\n\r\nIt snowed in the Sahara Desert in February of 1979. \r\n\r\nPlants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water. \r\n\r\nGrapes explode when you put them in the microwave. \r\n\r\nThose stars and colors you see when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes. \r\n\r\nOur eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.\r\n\r\nContrary to popular belief, a swallowed chewing gum doesn't stay in the gut. It will pass through the system and be excreted. \r\n\r\nAt 40 Centigrade a person loses about 14.4 calories per hour by breathing. \r\n\r\nThere is a hotel in Sweden built entirely out of ice; it is rebuilt every year. \r\n\r\nCats, camels and giraffes are the only animals in the world that walk right foot, right foot, left foot, left foot, rather than right foot, left foot. \r\n\r\nOnions help reduce cholesterol if eaten after a fatty meal. \r\n\r\nThe sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14362,
"title": "Amazing Facts 25"
},
{
"body": "Pigs are the fourth most intelligent animal in the world.\r\n\r\nPig's Tongue contains 15,000 taste buds. For comparison, the human tongue has 9,000 taste buds\r\n\r\nDinosaurs didn't eat grass? There was no grass in the days of the dinosaurs.\r\n\r\nA crocodile's tongue is attached to the roof of its mouth? It cannot move. It cannot chew but its Digestive juices are so strong that it can digest a steel nail, Glass pieces, etc\r\n\r\nSharks are immune to disease i.e they do not suffer from any Disease.\r\n\r\nAnimals are either right- or left-handed? Polar bears are always left-handed, and so is Kermit the Frog.\r\n\r\nAnts don't sleep.\r\n\r\nThe eyes of the chameleon can move independently & can see in two different directions at the same time. \r\n\r\n\r\nLike fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.\r\n\r\nThe highest kangaroo leap recorded is 10 ft and the longest is 42 ft\r\n\r\nAlong with its length neck, the giraffe has a very long tongue -- more than a foot and a half long. A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14363,
"title": "Amazing Facts 26"
},
{
"body": "# 1 In February 1878, the first telephone book was published in New Haven, Connecticut. The book was one page long and had fifty names in it.\r\n# 2 For more than 3,000 years, Carpenter ants have been used to close wounds in India, Asia and South America. \r\n# 3 In 2001, the five most valuable brand names in order were Coca-Cola, Microsoft, IBM, GE, and Nokia.\r\n# 4 The Sears Tower in Chicago contains enough steel to build 50,000 automobiles. \r\n# 5 Ninety-nine percent of pumpkins sold in the United States are for the sole purpose of decoration. \r\n# 6 The Arctic Tern, which is a small bird, can fly a round trip from the Arctic to the Antarctic and back. This can be as long as twenty thousand miles per year. This is the longest migration for a bird.\r\n# 7 Each year, Americans throw away 25 trillion Styrofoam cups.\r\n# 8 The town with the most stop signs per capita than any other in the US: LaConner, Washington.# 152 # 9 The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations.\r\n# 10 To manufacture a new car approximately 148,000 liters of water is needed.\r\n# 11 Ironically, when doctors in Los Angeles, California went on strike in 1976, the daily number of deaths in the city dropped 18%. \r\n# 12 Donkeys can live between 30 to 50 years in captivity.\r\n# 13 In ancient Egypt, doctors used jolts from the electric catfish to reduce the pain of arthritis.\r\n# 14 More pollution is emitted from the average home compared to the average car.\r\n# 15 The earliest known example of an organized market for equities dates from Rome, second century B.C.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14364,
"title": "Amazing Facts 28"
},
{
"body": "# 16 Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a fifty thousand-word novel, \"Gadsby,\" without any word containing the letter \"e.\"\r\n# 17 In a year, the average person walks four miles to make his or her bed.\r\n# 18 In the first century, people used to drink goats milk to sweeten their breath. \r\n# 19 In many of the milk ads that are shown, a mix of thinner and white paint is used instead of milk. \r\n# 20 It is possible to get high by licking a toad. The Cane Toad produces a toxin called bufotenine to ward off predators. It acts as a hallucinogen.\r\n# 21 In Las Vegas, casinos do not have any clocks.\r\n# 22 There is a restaurant in Stockholm that only offers all-garlic products. They even have a garlic cheesecake.\r\n# 23 Following directions off the Internet and chemicals obtained from a mail order company, a team of U.S. scientists created an identical copy of the polio virus.\r\n# 24 The world's tallest free fall roller coaster is The Giant Drop located in Australia. The drops is 120 meters which is equivalent to a 39 storey building.\r\n# 25 In Hong Kong, delivery times are primarily influenced by traffic conditions on elevators. It often takes drivers longer to travel vertically than horizontally, as access to elevators is so congested during \"high peak\" hours. This is due to the volume of people residing in high rises. \r\n# 26 In Johannesburg, the average car will be involved in an accident once every four years.\r\n# 27 The first Olympic games only had one event - a foot race.\r\n# 28 The term \"The Big Apple\" was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930s who used the slang expression \"apple\" for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple.\r\n# 29 The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the \"General Purpose\" vehicle, G.P.\r\n# 30 Coca-Cola was originally green.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14365,
"title": "Amazing Facts 29"
},
{
"body": "# 31 Canola oil is actually rapeseed oil but the name was changed in Canada for marketing reasons.\r\n# 32 The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.\r\n# 33 The phrase \"rule of thumb\" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb\r\n# 34 1 in 2000 babies are born with a tooth that is already visible.\r\n# 35 The straw was probably invented by Egyptian brewers to taste in-process beer without removing the fermenting ingredients which floated on the top.\r\n# 36 The New York Stock Exchange started out as a coffee house. \r\n# 37 Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down hence the expression \"to get fired.\"\r\n# 38 In Chinese, the words for crisis and opportunity are the same.\r\n# 39 It's possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.\r\n# 40 There are more bacteria in your mouth than there are people in the world.\r\n# 41 Cow is a Japanese brand of shaving foam. \r\n# 42 The Food and Drug Administration says the most common injury from cosmetics comes from scratching the eye with a mascara wand.\r\n# 43 King George could not speak English!\r\n# 44 Midgets and dwarfs almost always have normal sized children.\r\n# 45 Common pesticides such as roach, termite, and flea insecticide can be found in the bodies of majority of Americans.\r\n# 46 Baskin Robbins once made ketchup ice cream.\r\n# 47 It is illegal for tourists to enter Mexico with more than 20 CD's!\r\n# 48 Women end up digesting most of the lipstick they apply.\r\n# 49 The 'vintage date' on a bottle of wine indicates the year the grapes were picked, not the year of bottling!\r\n# 50 There are only 14 blimps in the world.\r\n# 51 If you put a raisin in a fresh glass of champagne, it will rise and fall continuously.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14366,
"title": "Amazing Facts 30"
},
{
"body": "How you get rid of grey hairs:\r\n\r\n1. Dye all your hair the color grey.\r\n\r\n2. Shave your head.\r\n\r\n3. Now you have no grey hairs.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14367,
"title": "Blondy's Logic About... Grey Hairs"
},
{
"body": "Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. \r\nHis first friend says: \"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.\" \r\n\r\nHis second friend says: \"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.\" \r\n\r\nPaddy says: \"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.\" Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. \r\n\r\n\"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14368,
"title": "Unfaithful"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so stupid, that I told her to do the robot, and damn! Now R2-D2 got AIDS!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14369,
"title": "The Robot"
},
{
"body": "Help....\r\nThe Titanic is going to sink. Everybody on the ship is\r\nshouting, crying, running or praying to God...\r\nJust then an Italian asks a nearby blond on the ship, Italian: \"How far is land from here?\"\r\nBlond: \"Two miles.\"\r\nItalian: \"Only two miles? Then why are these fools making so much noise? I can swim even further.\"\r\nThe Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the surface to ask something again.\r\nItalian: \"Just tell me which side is the land two miles from here?\"\r\nBlond: \"Downwards......\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14370,
"title": "Help...."
},
{
"body": "Blond's Letter to Bill Gates\r\n\r\nDear Mr. Bill Gates,\r\n\r\n\r\nThis letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.\r\n\r\n1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.\r\n\r\n2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down' button.\r\n\r\n3. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.\r\n\r\n4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that while sitting.\r\n\r\n5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.\r\n\r\n6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but we were unable to trace it. Is it a bug??\r\n\r\n7. Every night I can't sleep as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, so, I suggest you provide one DOG to kill that cat.\r\n\r\n8. Please confirm when you are going to give me my money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are you are coming to my home to collect your money.\r\n\r\n9. My child learnen how to use, 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when will you provide that?",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14371,
"title": "Letter to Bill Gates"
},
{
"body": "A plain computer illeterate SARDAR rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.\r\n\r\nTech: What's the problem?\r\n\r\nSardaar: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.\r\n\r\nTech: You'll need a new power supply.\r\n\r\nSardaar: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.\r\n\r\nTech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.\r\n\r\nSardaar: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.\r\n\r\n10 minutes later, the Sardaar is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.\r\n\r\nTech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.\r\n\r\nSardaar: I knew it!\r\n\r\nTech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Le me know how it goes.\r\n\r\n10 minutes later.\r\n\r\nSardaar: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.\r\n\r\nTech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?\r\n\r\nSardaar: MS-DOS 6.22.\r\n\r\nTech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.\r\n\r\n1 hour later.\r\n\r\nSardaar: I need a new power supply.\r\n\r\nTech: How did you come to that conclusion?\r\n\r\nSardaar: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.\r\n\r\nTech: Then what did he say?\r\n\r\nSardaar: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.COM",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 14375,
"title": "Sardarji"
},
{
"body": "Which dog doesn't have a tail?\r\n\r\n\r\nHot dogs, of course.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14377,
"title": "WHICH ONE?"
},
{
"body": "Q: What is the President Bush's new fitness program to get people walking again?\r\nA: GAS at $3/gallon\r\n\r\nQ: When visiting India what did George W think upon seeing a woman with a red dot on her forehead?\r\nA: Holy Shit!!!! She must've been hunting with Cheney\r\n\r\nQ: Whats the best birthday gift you can give to George W?\r\nA: An Exit Strategy from Iraq\r\n\r\nQ: Why is George Bush giving tax cuts like Jim Jones giving Kool-Aid? \r\nA: It tastes good but it'll kill you. \r\n\r\nQ: What would happen if George W Bush had selected the court in 1954?\r\nA: Clarence Thomas would have never got to law school.\"\r\n\r\nQ: Why did the Iraqi women shave there fannies?\r\nA: To send a message out \"No more Bush\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nQ: George W. Bush is now under treatment for what two problems?\r\nA: Electile dysfunction and premature congratulation\r\n\r\nQ: Why can George W Bush run for a third term as president?\r\nA: Because the Supreme Court said if you count his vacation time, he's barely served one.\" \r\n\r\nQ: Why did George Bush and Andy Card agree that Andy could no longer have a cabinent position? (Andy Card is the Chief Of Staff, who originally told George W Bush the country was under attack on 9/11)\r\nA1: Because he doesn't promote inhumane torture (Attorney General: Alberto Gonzales)\r\nA2: Because he didn't originally provide body armor to our troops in Iraq (Secretary of Defense: Donald Rumsfield)\r\nA3: Because he didn't fuck up the government handling of Katrina (Homeland Security Chief: Michael Chertoff)\r\nA4: He didn't expose any CIA Agents (Carl Rove)\r\nA5: He didn't shoot old men in the face (Vice President Dick Cheney)\r\n\r\nQ: What did George Bush do when he heard about the devastation of Katrina?\r\nA: Out of force of habit he got out a copy of 'My Pet Goat' and started reading it\r\n\r\nQ: What happened when George Bush said Global Warming is happening at a faster pace then he expected?\r\nA: A cabinent member pulled him aside and told him not to worry it's spring time.\r\n\r\nQ: Why did George Bush free us from the green jackboot of the Kyoto Protocol.\r\nA: Global warming means better tans.\r\n\r\nQ: What did George Bush say when asked about giving Amnesty to illegals?\r\nA: Its absolutely terrible when one loses their memory illegal or legal.\r\n\r\nQ: Why did Dubya finally tell Karl Rove \"Enough is Enough?\r\nA: He ruined the United 93 movie for him by leaking the ending .\r\n\r\nQ: Why is George W Bush only speaking to the Amish?\r\nA: Because they are the only group not upset about the high gas prices!\r\n\r\nQ: How do you know George W Bush is not planning on invading Iran?\r\nA: Hmm....he might very well invade Iran, but there won't be any planning involved.\r\n\r\nQ: How does the Bush administration plan to fix social security?\r\nA: By taking the word SECURITY out of it.\r\n\r\nQ: When meeting Chinese President Hu, how did George W say the two countries are growing closer?\r\nA1: Chinese are slowing being given the civil liberties, Americans take for granted\r\nA2: Americans are moving towards the Chinese system of spying on its people without warrants\r\nA3: Americans are utilizing the Chinese policy of putting people in jail without a fair trial\r\nA4: The Americans are talking about building a Great Wall (Mexico/America)\r\n\r\nQ: Why did President Bush's second inaugural celebration cost $40 million?\r\nA: Because his twin daughters insisted on an open bar.\r\n\r\nQ: Why is it alright for George W to start drinking again?\r\nA: 'Well, why not? He's got everybody else drinking.'\" \r\n\r\nQ: What is George W Bush's new motto?\r\nA: Give me liberty or give me death.\" and if all else fails we'll send FEMA\r\n\r\nQ: What's the sad truth about George W Bush's poll numbers?\r\nA: More people believe Elvis is alive then in George W\r\n\r\nQ: Whats the difference between George W Bush and the Titanic?\r\nA: No matter how bad things get, nobody can sink George W's ship!\r\n\r\nQ:Why did Bin Ladin stop having sex with his wife?\r\nA:Because everytime he would spread her legs he saw Bush!\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nQ: Why does Laura Bush (Presidents Wife) always get on top? \r\nA: ...Because George Bush can only fuck up.\r\n\r\nQ: Why is George W a big fan of Palestinian president Abbas?\r\nA: He absolutely loves his hit song, Dancing Queen.\" \r\n\r\nQ: What is the difference between the George W and Clinton's administration?\r\nA: George W has a trouble controlling his generals and Clinton had trouble controlling his privates \r\n\r\nQ: Why is Karl Rove was under fire again today?\r\nA: For leaking the plot of the new Harry Potter book to U.S. President Bush?\r\n\r\nQ: Why is the Bush administration so bad at creating jobs?\r\nA: Because they can barely hold onto the ones that they have!\r\n\r\nQ: What's the difference between George W Bush and an average student?\r\nA: An Average student can't find Iraq on a Map, George W can get out of Iraq\r\n\r\nQ: What happens if Bush's popularity falls any further\r\nA: He'll become a Democrat\r\n\r\nQ: What did President Bush do when Ryan Secrest said 62 million people voted in the American Idol finale?\r\nA: He went out and bought a karaoke machine\r\n\r\nQ: Why is Hurricane Rita Bush's worst nightmare?\r\nA: An electric chair with no power!\r\n\r\nQ: How is George W similar to the Peanuts character Pigpen?\r\nA: Wherever he goes, he stirs up such a humongous mess, it can only be cleaned up by Halliburton.\r\n\r\nQ: What did George W ask the Louisiana National Guard when visiting the destruction from Katrina?\r\nA: Does this visit count toward the service time I still owe the National Guard.\r\n\r\nQ: What can't George W do while in the White House?\r\nA1: Imprision US Citizens without a trial (...in the name of national security) \r\nA2: Wiretap citizens of the country even though other laws state that you can't\r\nA3: Go to war without a declaration from congress",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14380,
"title": "Bushie"
},
{
"body": "Q: If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... \r\n \r\nA: Does that mean that one enjoys it?",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14382,
"title": "HMMMM?"
},
{
"body": "Did You Know .... \r\n\r\nDid you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?\r\n\r\nIt is called the anal optic nerve.\r\n\r\nIt is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.\r\n\r\nIf you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass, and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 14383,
"title": "Anal"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?\r\nA hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.\r\n\r\nWhat is Moby Dick's dad's name?\r\nPapa Boner.\r\n\r\nWhat do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?\r\nOne slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.\r\n\r\nA daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said, \"You should have asked me last night, it was at the tip of my tongue.\"\r\n\r\nWhat has got two legs and bleeds?\r\nHalf a dog!\r\n\r\nWhat kind of bees produce milk?\r\nBoobies.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call an Afghan virgin?\r\nMever bin laid on.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a lesbian dinosaur?\r\nA lickalotopuss.\r\n\r\nWhen do you kick a dwarf in the balls?\r\nWhen he is standing next to your miss telling her her hair smells nice.\r\n\r\nWhy did Tigger lok in the toilet?\r\nBecause he was looking for Pooh.\r\n\r\nIf a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?\r\n\r\nDo you know what the square root of 69 is?\r\nAte something.\r\n\r\nHow does a woman scare a gynecologist?\r\nBy becoming a ventriloquist!\r\n\r\nIf you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?\r\nThree feet of my cock up your ass.\r\n\r\nWhat should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?\r\nSlow down - and possibly use a lubricant.\r\n\r\nWhy do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?\r\nThey don't have balls to scratch.\r\n\r\nWhat did the banana say to the vibrator?\r\nWhy are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!\r\n\r\nOne day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, \"Please send me a sister.\"\r\nSanta Clause wrote him back, \"Ok, send me your mother.\"\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?\r\nThey both suck for four quarters.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? \r\nA rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off.\r\n\r\nWhy do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?\r\nThe grass tickles their balls.\r\n\r\nWhat do priests and Mcdonalds have in common? \r\nThey both stick their meat in 10 year old buns.\r\n\r\nHow do you circumcise a hillbilly?\r\nKick his sister in the jaw.\r\n\r\nWhat does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that \r\n 25 year old doesn't?\r\nHer navel.\r\n\r\nWhat does a good bar and a good woman have in common?\r\nLiquor in the front and poker in the back!\r\n\r\nWhy does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?\r\nHe doesn't want anyone knowing he's been fucking the chickens!\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between erotic and kinky?\r\nErotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.\r\n\r\nWhen does a cub become a boy scout?\r\nWhen he eats his first Brownie.\r\n\r\nWhat did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?\r\nWiped his ass.\r\n\r\nHow do you tell if a chick is to fat to fuck?\r\nWhen you pull her pants down her ass is still in them.\r\n\r\nWhat does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?\r\nBy the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.\r\n\r\nWhy doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?\r\nBecause everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.\r\n\r\nHow do you embarrass an archaeologist?\r\nGive him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.\r\n\r\nWhat do u call a bunny with a bent dick?\r\nFUCKS FUNNY.\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?\r\nSnowballs.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?\r\nA Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.\r\n\r\nWhat's 6 inches long and starts with a p?\r\n........... a shit (think about it).\r\n\r\nWhy is being in the military like a blow-job?\r\nThe closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?\r\nMiracle Whip.\r\n\r\nWhat do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?\r\nThey both only change their pads after every third period!\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between oral and anal sex?\r\nOral sex makes your day and anal sex makes your whole weak.\r\n\r\nWhats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?\r\nSlick her hair back she looks 15..\r\n\r\nAfter a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, \"You know, I was a fool when I married you.\"\r\nShe replied, \"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.\"\r\n\r\nWhat's black, white, and red all over and doesn't fit through a revolving door?\r\nA nun with a spear through her head.\r\n\r\nWhy are pubic Hairs so curly?\r\nSo they don't poke her eye out.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?\r\nA bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.\r\n\r\nWhat has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?\r\nA bingo machine.\r\n\r\nWhy do men like big tits and a tight ass?\r\nBecause they've got big mouths and little dicks.\r\n\r\nWhat's long hard and full of seamen?\r\nA submarine.\r\n\r\nWhat's long, hard and erects stuff?\r\nA crane!\r\n\r\nDid you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?\r\nThey named him Sum Ting Wong.\r\n\r\nName the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives.\r\nDrinking licking sucking fucking and wanking.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?\r\nAt least a zit waits until you're a teenager before it cums on your face!\r\n\r\nHow does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?\r\nVery satisfying.\r\n\r\nWhat's thirty feet long and smells like urine?\r\nLine dancing at a nursing home.\r\n\r\nWhat is the square root of 69?\r\nAte something.\r\n\r\nBut do you know what 6.9 is?\r\nA good thing screwed up by a period.\r\n\r\nWhat do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?\r\nThe older they get the easier they are to pick up.\r\n\r\nWhat does a Rubick's cube and a penis have in common?\r\nThe more you play with it the harder it gets.\r\n\r\nWhat do you called an anorexic bitch with yeast infection?\r\nA quarter-pounder with cheese.\r\n\r\nA recent survey shows that sperm banks beat blood banks in contributions...HANDS DOWN!\r\n\r\nYour mom's like a old cooker; any old nob can turn her on.\r\n\r\nIf you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting? You choose.\r\n\r\nWhat did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water?\r\nI can't get a hard-on because I was just laid.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14384,
"title": "Funny"
},
{
"body": "Penis breath, a lover's dread. \r\nIs what you get when you give head. \r\nUnpleasant as it tends to be. \r\nBe grateful that he doesn't pee. \r\nIt's times like this you wonder why. \r\nYou bother reaching for his fly. \r\nBut it's too late, can't be a tease. \r\nAccept the facts, get on your knees. \r\nYou know you've got a job to do. \r\nSo open up and shove it through. \r\nLick the tip then take it all. \r\nDon't drag your teeth or he might bawl. \r\nSlide up and down, use your tongue. \r\nAnd feel the precum start to run. \r\nSo when the fuck's he gonna cum. \r\nJust when you can't take anymore. \r\nYour hear your lover's mighty roar. \r\nAnd when he hit's that real high note. \r\nYou feel it oozing down your throat. \r\nSalty, fishy, sticky, nasty stuff. \r\nOkay already, that's enough. \r\nLet's switch you say, before you gag. \r\nAnd what's your revenge, you're on your rag.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14386,
"title": "Ode to a Blow Job"
},
{
"body": "Big Bad Wolf:\r\nThe big bad wolf said to Little Red Riding Hood, \"unbutton your blouse and let me suck your tits.\" \"Fuck off,\" she replied as she tugged down her panties. \"Eat me, like the fuckin' book says.\"\r\n\r\n\r\nPinocchio:\r\nPinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. \"Every time we make love, I get splinters.\" \r\nSo Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gepetto the Carpenter, for advice. \"Sandpaper,\" said the carpenter, \"that's what you need.\" Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. \r\n\"How are you getting along with the girls now?\" \"Who needs girls?\" replied Pinocchio.\r\n\r\n\r\nCinderella:\r\nCinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.\r\n\"First, you must wear a diaphragm.\"\r\nCinderella agrees. \"What's the second condition?\"\r\n\"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.\"\r\n\r\nCinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. \r\nThe appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.\r\n\"Where have you been?\" demands the fairygodmother. \"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!\"\r\n\"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother, and he took care of everything.\"\r\n\"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!\"\r\n\"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...\"\r\n\r\n\r\nSnow White & Pinocchio:\r\nSnow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, \"Lie to me! Lie to me!\" \r\n\r\n\r\nMickey Mouse:\r\nMickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, \"You say here that your wife is crazy.\"\r\nMickey replied, \"No I didn't, I said she is fucking Goofy.\" \r\n\r\nBig Bad Wolf 2:\r\nLittle Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest and saw the wolf hiding in the grass.\r\nShe said, \"What big ears you have,\" and he says, \"The better to hear you with,\" & he runs off...\r\nThen she sees him hiding behind a tree, & she says, \"What big eyes you have,\" \"The better to see you with,\" he says & runs off... \r\nThen she sees him hiding behind a rock & says, \"What big teeth you have,\" & he says, \"Damnit, would you leave me alone? I'm trying to take a poop, damn little nosey brat.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14388,
"title": "Fairy Tales"
},
{
"body": "Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System\r\n\r\n1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.\r\n\r\n2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.\r\n\r\n3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.\r\n\r\n4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!\r\n\r\n5. ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)\r\n\r\n6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back .... we..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....\r\n\r\n7. I'm sure everyones noticed the loss of an engine, however the\r\nreduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more\r\nefficiently now. (Ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)\r\n\r\n8. Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal\r\ndriving tendencies uses when you get in the car)\r\n\r\n9. This is your Captain speaking....these dang planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to..so you'll have to give me some leeway......\r\n\r\n10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the inflight movie.\r\n\r\n11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and OH\r\nNO!..\r\n\r\n12. Don't worry that one is always on E...\r\n\r\n13. Get the parachutes ready...\r\n\r\n14. Drinks are on me ... or I'll have what the Captain's having.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14393,
"title": "Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System"
},
{
"body": "A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining site at a campground.\r\n\r\nFour children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.\r\n\r\nImpressed, a nearby camper sauntered over and said to the youngsters' father, \"That, sir, is some display of teamwork.\"\r\n\r\n\"I have a system,\" the father replied. \"No one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14394,
"title": "Put Up and Shut Up"
},
{
"body": "A couple enjoyed getting away from their high-stress jobs by spending weekends in their motor home, but their peace and quiet was often disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers.\r\n\r\nFinally, they found a way to assure themselves privacy.\r\n\r\nThey painted a sign near their RV's door:\r\n\r\n\"Ask us about our Whole Life policies!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14395,
"title": "Come On In!"
},
{
"body": "On the other hand you have five fingers.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14396,
"title": "Handie"
},
{
"body": "Some people have friends who are dwarfs, not me I have a friend who is a midget dwarf. He is the guy who poses for the sport trophys",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 14397,
"title": "Midwarf"
},
{
"body": "Women like silent men - they think they're listening.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14400,
"title": "Women Like"
},
{
"body": "A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, \"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.\"\r\n\r\nHer mother told her this was wrong; she must say, \"I'm Jane Sugarbrown.\"\r\n\r\nThe Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, \"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?\"\r\n\r\nShe replied, \"I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14401,
"title": "Who Am I?"
},
{
"body": "Twinkle, twinkle little star how I wonder what you are\r\nShine upon a parking lot\r\nAs I eat my girlfriends twat.\r\n\r\nPeter, Peter pumpkin eater\r\nSaw a chick but couldn't meet her\r\nSaw her brother one fine day\r\nSucked his cock and now he's GAY.\r\n\r\nJack Sprat could eat no fat\r\nHis wife could eat no lean\r\nSo he ignored her flabby tits \r\nAn licked her asshole clean.\r\n\r\nEenie Meanie Miney Mo\r\nSuck my dick and swallow slow.\r\n\r\nMary Mary quite contrary\r\nShave that pussy its so damn hairy.\r\n\r\nHickory Dickory Dock\r\nSome chick was sucking my cock\r\nThe clock struck two I blew my goo\r\nAnd dumped the bitch off at the next block.\r\n\r\nHickory Dickory Dock\r\nSome chick was sucking my cock\r\nIt was quite scary\r\nall wrinkled and hairy.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14408,
"title": "Ryhmes"
},
{
"body": "My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.\r\n- Henny Youngman\r\n\r\nMy wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.\r\n- Rodney Dangerfield\r\n\r\nA good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.\r\n- Milton Berle\r\n\r\nI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.\r\n- George Burns\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.\r\n- Cindy Garner\r\n\r\nI bought my wife a new car. She called and said, \"There was water in the carburetor.\" I said, \"Where's the car?\" She said, \"In the lake.\"\r\n- Henny Youngman\r\n\r\nNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.\r\n- Phyllis Diller\r\n\r\nThe secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.\r\n- Henny Youngman\r\n\r\nPeople are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a for giving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.\r\n- Erma Bombeck\r\n\r\nAt the cocktail party, one woman said to another, \"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?\" The other replied \"Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.\"\r\n\r\nAfter a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, \"You know, I was a fool when I married you.\" The husband replied, \"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.\"\r\n\r\nWhen a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.\r\n\r\nI haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt.\r\n\r\nMy girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.\r\n\r\nA man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.\r\n\r\nWomen will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14409,
"title": "Oneliners"
},
{
"body": "And then there was the glass-blower who got hiccups and made 764 marbles.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14412,
"title": "Take Care; Glass"
},
{
"body": "Why do women have periods?\r\nBecause they deserve them.\r\n\r\nWhat's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?\r\nA $100 bill.\r\n\r\nHow many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? \r\nNone. Let her do the dishes in the dark.\r\n\r\nWhat do toys and womens breasts have in common?\r\nThey were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.\r\n\r\nWhat is love?\r\nThe delusion that one woman differs from another.\r\n\r\nMonkeys and girls both are same. \r\nThey fight only for bananas. Boys and rats are same; they search only for holes. \r\n\r\nWhy did God create lesbians?\r\nSo feminists couldn't breed.\r\n\r\nWhy do women talk so much? \r\nBecause they have two sets of lips.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between your bonus and your dick?\r\nYou don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.\r\n\r\nWhy is a woman like a laxative?\r\nThey both irritate the shit out of you.\r\n\r\nWhy are there no female astronauts on the moon? \r\nBecause it doesn't need cleaning yet.\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between a cheap hooker and an elephant?\r\nOne rolls on its back for peanuts and the other one lives in a zoo. \r\n\r\nWhat's worse than a male chauvinist pig? \r\nA woman who won't do as she's told.\r\n\r\nWhy are wives like condoms? \r\nThey both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.\r\n\r\nWhy do men die before their wives?\r\nThey want to.\r\n\r\nHow many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?\r\nWhy the hell should we fix it? We don't use the damn thing.\r\n\r\nWhy do women love orgasms? \r\nBecause it gives them another reason to moan.\r\n\r\nWhat is a wife?\r\nAn attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.\r\n\r\nHow are women like parking spaces?\r\nThe good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.\r\n\r\nWhy do women have tits?\r\nSo men will talk to them.\r\n\r\nWhat do girls and camels have in common? \r\nThey both have camel toes. \r\n\r\nWhy do women close their eyes during sex?\r\nThey can't stand to see a man having a good time.\r\n\r\nWhy is our salary like a women's period?\r\nIt comes once in a month,lasts only for four or five days and if any month it does not come it means your fucked.\r\n\r\nWomen are like orange juice cartons. \r\nIt's not the shape or size or even how sweet the juice is; its getting those damn flaps open.\r\n\r\nWhy did the woman cross the road?\r\nWho cares - what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?\r\n\r\nWhat does the woman who just got out of an abusive relationship do?\r\nIt better be the damn dishes!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14414,
"title": "Women in General"
},
{
"body": "What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?\r\nA power failure.\r\n\r\nWhy do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? \r\nBecause if they all went, it would be called hell.\r\n\r\nWhat should you give a man who has everything?\r\nA woman to show him how to work it.\r\n\r\nHow are husbands like lawn mowers?\r\nThey're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.\r\n\r\nWhat has eight arms and an IQ of 60?\r\nFour guys watching a football game.\r\n\r\nHow can you tell when a man is well hung?\r\nWhen you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.\r\n\r\nWhat's the best way to force a man to do situps?\r\nPut the remote control between his toes.\r\n\r\nHow do you get a man to stop biting his nails?\r\nMake him wear shoes.\r\n\r\nWhy doesn't it matter how often a married man changes his job? \r\nHe still ends up with the same boss. \r\n\r\nWhy don't some men have a mid-life crisis?\r\nThey're stuck in adolescence. \r\n\r\nHow many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\nOne. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.\r\n\r\nHow many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\nThree. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.\r\n\r\nHow many men does it take to tile a bathroom?\r\nTwo - if you slice them very thinly.\r\n\r\nWhy can't men get mad cow disease?\r\nBecause they are pigs.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a handcuffed man?\r\nTrustworthy.\r\n\r\nHow many men does it take to open a beer? \r\nNone. The lady should already have it open on the table.\r\n\r\nWhat does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? \r\nYou didn't hold the pillow down long enough.\r\n\r\nHow does a man show he's planning for the future?\r\nHe buys an extra case of beer.\r\n\r\nWhat do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?\r\nThe man.\r\n\r\nWhy do men have a hole in their penis? \r\nSo their brains can get some oxygen now and then.\r\n\r\nWhy do some men name their penis? \r\nBecause they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.\r\n\r\nWhy does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?\r\nBecause not one will stop and ask for directions.\r\n\r\nWhat's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?\r\nTelling you his real name.\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?\r\nBig Foot has been spotted several times.\r\n\r\nWhy did God create man before woman?\r\nHe didn't want any advice.\r\n\r\nWhy did God create man before woman?\r\nBecause you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.\r\n\r\nWhy do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?\r\nTo knock the penises off the smart ones.\r\n\r\nWhy do little boys whine?\r\nBecause they're practicing to be men.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14415,
"title": "Men in General"
},
{
"body": "Q: what do you call two lesbians floating down a river\r\nA: Fur Traders \r\n\r\nQ: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?\r\nA: She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.\r\n\r\nQ: Whats the difference between a lesbian driving in the fog and eating pussy? \r\nA: When u are eating pussy you can still see the asshole in front of you! \r\n\r\nQ: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? \r\nA: \"I'll see you next month.\" \r\n\r\nQ: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\nA: Four. One to change it, two to organize the potluck and one to write a folk song about the empowering experience \r\n\r\nQ: Why don't fem lesbians go on dates?\r\nA: Because it's hard to eat Jenny Craig when you've got Mary Kay on your face.\r\n\r\nQ: Have you heard about the new lesbian tennis shoe called \"Dyke\"?\r\nA: It has an extra long tongue and it only takes one finger to get it off!\r\nQ: Have you heard about the new lesbian style of running shoe: the dykee?\r\nA: It has an extra long tongue and only takes one finger to get it off.\r\n\r\nQ: What's the difference between a lesbian and a ritz cracker? \r\nA: One's a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call an Irish lesbian?\r\nA: Gaylick\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a lesbian who lives up north?\r\nA: A Klondyke.\r\n\r\nQ: What's the most important question on the minds of Alaskan lesbians?\r\nA: What would ya do oh oh for a Klondyke bar?\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a lesbian's closet?\r\nA: A lick-her cabinet.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call three lesbians in a closet? \r\nA: A Licker cabinet\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?\r\nA: Single!\r\n\r\nQ: What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like?\r\nA: Depends\r\n\r\nQ: Why can't lesbians go on a diet and wear lipstick at the same time?\r\nA: You can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face!\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?\r\nA: Toys for Twats\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a 300 pound lesbian?\r\nA: A bush hog\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a 100 pound lesbian?\r\nA: A weedeater\r\n\r\nQ: What did one lesbian say to another?\r\nA: \"Your face or mine?\"\r\n\r\nQ: Do you know why oysters increase lesbian sexual libido?\r\nA: Because after eating a dozen oysters, pussy doesn't taste so bad!\r\n\r\nQ: What kind of humor do lesbians like?\r\nA: Tongue in cheek.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call two Chinese lesbians?\r\nA: two can chew!\r\n\r\nQ: What is the definition of confusion?\r\nA: 3 blind lesbians in a fish market.\r\n\r\nQ: Why do gay men like to have lesbian friends?\r\nA: Someone has to mow the yard.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a lesbian with 1,000 semiautomatic rifles?\r\nA: Militia etheridge\r\n\r\nQ: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a lesbian?\r\nA: You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?\r\nA: well hung\r\n\r\nQ: What drives a lesbian up the wall?\r\nA: A crack in the ceiling.\r\n\r\nQ: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?\r\nA: Both of them.\r\n\r\nQ: What is the difference between a Wheat Thin and a lesbian?\r\nA: One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.\r\n\r\n\r\nA woman goes to the gynecologist, and upon examination, the doctor says, \"Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygenic?\" \r\n\r\nThe woman responds, \"I have a woman in twice a week.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14416,
"title": "Lesbo"
},
{
"body": "Online dating is huge now. Everyone from EHarmony to Match.com have been benefitting from the surge in personals. But impersonal nature of online personals need a little clarifying. Below you'll find a guide to better enable yourself \"Find That Special Someone\" \r\nFemale\r\n\r\nBeautiful Bulgarian girl = I need a green card\r\nBeautiful Ukranian girl = I need a green card\r\nBeautiful Romanian girl = I need a green card....possibly a gypsy\r\nI love doing yoga and running with my dog = a really good lay\r\nAthletic = No tits\r\nSpends too much time at work / Work Hard = I'm cheating on you and we haven't even met\r\nBeautiful = Pathological liar\r\nContagious Smile = Takes a lot of pills\r\nEmotionally Secure = On medication / Frequent Psychiatric Visits\r\nFeminist = Fat\r\nFree spirit = Junkie / Hippie\r\nHopeless romantic = Wants a Ring\r\nFriendship first = Former slut\r\nFun = Annoying\r\nNew-Age = Body hair in the wrong places\r\nvery goal oriented = She wants to wear the pants\r\nBA in psychology = I will be single forever\r\nSensitive Girl = Insecure\r\nAdventurous = Slept with everyone\r\nOld-fashioned = No Blow Jobs\r\nLooking For A Man with ambition = Golddigger\r\nMentions the word \"Love\" in any way shape or form = clingy\r\nHonest Eyes = I'll cheat on you and you'll never know....hehehehe\r\nFamily is important to me = Father Issues\r\nOpen-minded = Really Really Desperate\r\nOutgoing = Loud and Embarrassing\r\nPassionate = Sloppy drunk\r\nAverage looking = Ugly\r\nSpontaneous = Will Have Sex Anywhere\r\nLooking for a cowboy! = Take me....Take me nowwwwww!\r\nlow maintenance girl = not very attractive and probably athletic = no tits no looks\r\nFun-loving girl = gives it up a lot\r\nFor a guy to make me laugh = depressed probably medicated\r\nHonest, intelligent, funny and just down to earth = probably none of the above\r\nSpiritual = a witch, possibly a vegetarian\r\nVoluptuous = Possibly Fat\r\nLarge frame = One Large Woman\r\nWants Soul mate = Stalker\r\nLooking for a nice guy = Been cheated on (Paranoid, Clingy)\r\nNo Baby Daddy Drama = Baby Daddy Drama (Look out!)\r\n30-ish = 35-45\r\n40-ish = 49-54\r\nChivalry should not be dead! There's something to be said about how our parents courted = Princess....Only Child\r\nVery social = keep your good-looking friend away from this one\r\nI've been called a keeper = only calls herself a keeper\r\n\r\nMale\r\n\r\nLooking for a nice girl = Been cheated on (Paranoid, Clingy)\r\nAmbitious = Rich\r\nFamily is important to me = Mother Issues\r\nOld fashioned gentleman = Oldddd. Really Olddddddd\r\nRenowned Psycologist = You'll be on medication inside of a week\r\nI've been called a keeper = only calls himself a keeper\r\nOpen-minded = Really Really Desperate\r\nAdventurous & Open-minded = Swinger, possibly bi\r\nI want you to want me = Knows at least one song from the 80s\r\nCharming European accent = I will cheat on you, but its okay I have a Charming European accent\r\n\"Bad boys need love too\" = maybe a good lay, possibly has herpes\r\n(wickedly sarcastic) sense of humor = Will tell you your ugly and think its funny\r\nBig Teddy Bear = Really Really Big\r\nLets go on a magic carpet ride = On the Sexual Offender list....check local website first\r\nOutgoing = Loud and Embarrassing\r\nExceptional = Probably average at best\r\nLook here! = You probably don't want to look there\r\nMoved back after a long time = I'm 30 and I live with my parents\r\nVoluptuous = Sex Change... Tranvestite\r\nNo Baby Mama Drama = Baby Mama Drama (Look out!)\r\nI work at Budweiser = Un-employed\r\nI like to watch movies = Can't dance to save my life\r\nOut going, Independent Guy = Will not come home at night\r\nlooking for the ms right = Mr. Wrong\r\nAdam looking for Eve = Bible Study begins at 8pm\r\nTall guy = Big Schlong\r\nSensitive Guy = Gay\r\nI cried watching the movie \"Titanic\" = Gay\r\nSearching for Treasure = \"Let me guess it's around a female's chest!\"\r\nSmart and quiet guy = \"One Day I will be the Uni-Bomber\"....don't look in my basement\r\nI love doing yoga and running with my dog = Really Really Really Gay\r\nI don't have an intro line = Not very interesting\r\nSoccer fanatic = White, preppy, possibly a snob\r\nHas no shirt in online personal pic = I'm masterbating right now\r\nJust want to meet good women = probably doesn't deserve one woman\r\nA man seeking sexy playmate = Has a lot of $1 bills",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14417,
"title": "Personals"
},
{
"body": "A. Nell Retentive\r\nA. Nell Soars\r\nA. Nellsechs \r\nA. Nellsex\r\nA. Nelprober\r\nA.S. Muncher \r\nAdolf Oliver Nipple\r\nAlotta Fagina\r\nAmanda D. P. Throat \r\nAmanda Faulk\r\nAmanda Huginkiss\r\nAmanda Hump\r\nAmanda Lick \r\nAmanda Mount\r\nAmanda Poker \r\nAna Linjector\r\nAnita B. Jainow \r\nAnita B. Jaynow\r\nAnita Bath\r\nAnita Beejay\r\nAnita Dick\r\nAnita Dickinme\r\nAnita Dump\r\nAnita Handjob\r\nAnita Hanjaab \r\nAnita Hardcock\r\nAnita Hardcok \r\nAnita Head\r\nAnita Hoare \r\nAnita Hummer\r\nAnita Jackoff\r\nAnita Mandelay\r\nAnita Masingil\r\nAnita Naylor \r\nAnita Pussy\r\nAnita Semen\r\nAnita Wackoff\r\nAnita Woody\r\nAnita Wyderbox\r\nAnnie Position \r\nAnya Neeze \r\nBarry McCociner\r\nBarry McDikkin \r\nBen Derhover \r\nBen Dover\r\nBen Gurgen Hoffe\r\nBen N. Syder \r\nBen O. Verbich \r\nBen R. Over \r\nBenoit Bawles \r\nBerry McCaulkiner \r\nBetty Bangzer\r\nBetty Drilzzer \r\nBetty Humpter\r\nBetty Phuckzer \r\nBetty Phuckzer Stu Pidass\r\nBill Lowbiter\r\nBo N. Herr\r\nBrooke N. Rubbers \r\nBruce D. Cocque \r\nBuck Nekkid\r\nBuster Cherry \r\nBuster Himen \r\nBuster Hyman\r\nC. Mike Rack \r\nCantsia Weiner\r\nChris P. Nutts\r\nClaude Balls\r\nClee Torres \r\nClint Torres\r\nCole Ostamie\r\nColin Forsecs \r\nConnie Lingus \r\nCox Ucker\r\nCraven Moorehead\r\nCurley Pubes \r\nDaisy May Blow\r\nDang Lin-Wang \r\nDaryl B. Payne \r\nDick Handler\r\nDick Long \r\nDick Myaz \r\nDick Pound \r\nDick Ramdass \r\nDill Doe\r\nDixie Normous \r\nDixie Normus\r\nDixie Rect\r\nDixon B. Tweenerlegs \r\nDixon Butts\r\nDixon Kuntz \r\nDon Keedix\r\nDoug McCockin\r\nDrew Peacock\r\nE. Jack Ulate\r\nE. Jack Ulayte \r\nE. Norma Scock \r\nE. Norma Stits\r\nE. Normous Peter \r\nE. Rex Sean \r\nEaton Beaver \r\nEdith McCrotch\r\nEileen Ulick \r\nElaine R. Over\r\nEnorma Skank\r\nEric Shun \r\nEric Ted Long\r\nErin Gobraless\r\nFawn Dillmiballs \r\nFonda Cox\r\nFonda Dix\r\nFonda Peters \r\nFreida Brest \r\nFudd G. Packer \r\nGay Barr\r\nGerald Fitzpatrick\r\nGiv M. Head\r\nHans Omaicok \r\nHarry A. Nuis \r\nHarry Asscrack\r\nHarry Azcrac \r\nHarry Ballsack\r\nHarry Ballsonya\r\nHarry Balsonya \r\nHarry Balzac \r\nHarry Balzitch\r\nHarry Beaver\r\nHarry Cox \r\nHarry Dix\r\nHarry Dong \r\nHarry Johnson \r\nHarry Kuntz\r\nHarry Nutt \r\nHarry P. Ness \r\nHarry Paratesties\r\nHarry Peters\r\nHarry Reams\r\nHarry S. Balsak\r\nHarry S. Houle \r\nHarry Sach \r\nHarry Sax\r\nHarry Scrote \r\nHarry Setatesties\r\nHarry Weiner\r\nHaywood Jablomi \r\nHaywood Jablowme\r\nHelda Coccen-Mihan \r\nHelda Cockinmihand\r\nHelda Dick\r\nHelen Back\r\nHelen Bed\r\nHerb Utsmells\r\nHerbie Versmels\r\nHolden A. Pare\r\nHolden McGroin \r\nHomer Sexual\r\nHoug Gebreasts\r\nHowie Feltersnatch \r\nHugh G. Buttnoogie\r\nHugh G. Dildeaux \r\nHugh G. Rection\r\nHugh Gass\r\nHugh Gass Kisser\r\nHugh Gebrests \r\nHugh Janus\r\nHugh Jardon \r\nHugh Jewnitt \r\nHugh Jorgin \r\nHugh Junit\r\nHumphrey Willy \r\nI. Sal Balls\r\nI.C. Wienies \r\nI.C. Wieners\r\nI. Yankit\r\nI.C Yadick \r\nIama Hore\r\nIda Fucder\r\nIlova Gudfach \r\nIlova Gufach\r\nIma Butmunsch\r\nIma Buttmunch\r\nIma Frute\r\nIma Hoare \r\nIma Homeau \r\nIma Homo\r\nIma Horndawg \r\nIma Horndog\r\nIma P. Ness\r\nIma Rapist\r\nIma Reeli Cumming\r\nIma Reilly Cumming \r\nIona Glasscock\r\nIona Peyhole\r\nIssac Cox\r\nIssac Dick\r\nIva Biggin \r\nIvana Fuccu \r\nIvana Fucku\r\nIvana Gifa Laccio\r\nIvana Hafsechs \r\nIvana Havesex\r\nIvana Shroomslap \r\nIvanna B. Spanked \r\nIvanna Humpalot\r\nIvanna Semour Butts\r\nIvanna Tinkle\r\nJack Inoff\r\nJack Knauf\r\nJack Meoff \r\nJack Schitt\r\nJack Soffalot\r\nJed I. P. Impe \r\nJen Italworts\r\nJenny Tayla \r\nJenny Taylia\r\nJenny Tull Warts\r\nJenny Tulworts \r\nJew C. Tuatt \r\nJocelyn Cocque \r\nJohn Arhea\r\nJoy Ryde-Myaz \r\nJustin DeFront \r\nJustin Heranus\r\nJustin Heras \r\nJustin Herass\r\nJustin Hermouf \r\nJustin Hermouth\r\nJustin Yermouth\r\nKareem M. Pants\r\nKari Mysac \r\nKimmy Hed\r\nLar G. Rection\r\nLayla Konswallow\r\nLiz Bien \r\nLou C. Twatt\r\nLou Sanus\r\nLou Sass\r\nLou Skunt \r\nLou Stools\r\nLou Swimmin \r\nLucy Bowels\r\nMadam Dick Burns\r\nMadam Dick Itches\r\nMadame Dick Burns \r\nManny Kanblo \r\nMaster Bates\r\nMat Sterbator\r\nMaud R. Fokker \r\nMax E. Pad\r\nMel Ester\r\nMia Buttreeks\r\nMike Hunt \r\nMike Littisore\r\nMike Oxard\r\nMike Oxhard \r\nMike Oxlittle\r\nMike Oxsbig\r\nMike Rotch \r\nMike Rotchburns\r\nMiles Long \r\nMinnie Pad\r\nMister Hyman\r\nMister Period \r\nMoe Lester\r\nMona Lott\r\nMonica Blewbillski\r\nMr. Bation\r\nMr. Completely\r\nMrs. Hiscock \r\nNeil Anblomi \r\nNeil Down \r\nNeil Enbob\r\nNeil Enlick\r\nNeil Ensuck\r\nNeil Gaiman\r\nNeil Inlick \r\nNeil Zineatser\r\nNida Pee\r\nNiel Anblowme\r\nNoe Schitt-Sherlock\r\nO. Howie Dickter\r\nOl' Dirty Bastard \r\nOliver Closeoff\r\nOliver Clozov \r\nOphelia Cox \r\nOphelia Cuming\r\nOphelia Nutz\r\nOphillia Balls\r\nOtto B. Astripper \r\nP Hole \r\nP. Enis Meany\r\nP. Nisenvi\r\nP. Nisevny \r\nPat Herboub \r\nPat Hiscock \r\nPat Maweini\r\nPat McGroin \r\nPat Myaz \r\nPatrick Fitzgerald\r\nPete O'File\r\nPeter Beter\r\nPeter Dragon\r\nPeter Fitzinwell\r\nPeter Insidya \r\nPeter Usedenuf\r\nPhil Accio \r\nPhil C. Rottencrotch\r\nPhil McAvity \r\nPhil McCrackin\r\nPhil McCreviss \r\nPhil Mianus\r\nPhilis Ardon\r\nPhillip A. Butt \r\nPhillip Herpanties\r\nPhillip McCrack\r\nPhillip Mipanties\r\nPhillip Oliver Holz\r\nPhillip Oliver Krevises\r\nPhillip Purass\r\nPhuc N. Stupid\r\nPussy Galore\r\nRan Sidass\r\nRandy Peter\r\nRay Pugh\r\nRhoda Duck\r\nRhoda Hotte \r\nRocco Z. Caulk \r\nRoch Myaz \r\nRod Gozinya\r\nRolen Thehay\r\nRon Chee\r\nRosie O' Kunt\r\nRosie Palm\r\nRoss Crodum \r\nRueben G. Spaut \r\nRueben Z. Clitz \r\nSal T. Rection\r\nSarah Tonin\r\nSawyer Crack\r\nScott Hiscock\r\nSemour Asscrack \r\nSemour Cumming \r\nSeymor Snatch\r\nSeymour Snatch \r\nShara Dick\r\nSharon Cox\r\nSharon Head \r\nSharon Peters\r\nShea Verpussi \r\nSig Teenine \r\nSophanda Peters \r\nStacy Rect\r\nStella Virgin \r\nStikit Inya\r\nStu Pidass\r\nStu Pidassoe\r\nSylfilthia Rottencrotch\r\nSylvia Dooble-Fitz \r\nTal E. Whacker\r\nTara Dickoff \r\nTara Himen \r\nTara Holenme \r\nTara McClosoff\r\nTara Nupsumass\r\nTara Scrodum\r\nTess Tickles\r\nToss Misalad\r\nU. R. Stuck\r\nVye Agra\r\nVye Brator \r\nWang Phat \r\nWatson Herbusch \r\nWayne Kerr \r\nWill Liciipanti\r\nWillie B. Hardigan\r\nWillie Dicker\r\nWillie Eatmeout\r\nWillie Eetmioutt \r\nWillie Fisterbottom\r\nWillie Focker \r\nWillie Layer \r\nWilma Dickfit\r\nWilma Fingerdoo\r\nWilma Handue\r\nWoody Viagra\r\nYandeeda Horgasm\r\nZig Steenine",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14418,
"title": "Dirty Names"
},
{
"body": "Are you an aspirin? Because I'd like to take you every 4 to 6 hours.\r\n\r\nThere are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to mount and take back to my place.\r\n\r\nExcuse me, are you hiring? I heard you have an opening you need filled.\r\n\r\nWhat has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper.\r\n\r\nDo you like parties? Because you can climb up my pants and have a ball!\r\n\r\nIf you were vanilla ice cream and I was hot caramel, I'd pour myself all over you.\r\n\r\nHere is $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come to talk to me.\r\n\r\nGirl......you are like a tall glass of water, and I'm telling you str8 up I'm thirsty.\r\n\r\nIf you were a word on a piece of paper you would read (fine print).\r\n\r\nLife without you would be like a broken pencil...pointless.\r\n\r\nKissing is a language of love....... so how about a conversation?\r\n\r\nIf you were a laser you'd be set to stunning.\r\n\r\nBaby, your lips are like candy and I'm the fat kid.\r\n\r\nBaby, I want to wear you like a pair of sun glasses, one leg over each ear.\r\n\r\nYou're in a relationship, I'm in a relationship but that doesn't mean we can't have relations.\r\n\r\nYou must be a ship; you've always been on my radar.\r\n\r\nIf a blade of grass was sexy, then baby, you'd be a field.\r\n\r\nIf fine was a felony you'd be on death row.\r\n\r\nMotion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way.\r\nWhen she arrives say, \"I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum.\"\r\n\r\nYou owe me money! (Why?) Because you've been living in my heart and not payin rent.\r\n\r\nIs there an airport nearby, or is that just my heart taking off?\r\n\r\nYou know how some men buy really expensive cars to make up for certain, well, shortages? Well, I don't even own a car. \r\n\r\n(for an overweight person); \"Hey baby, do you want to put the love in these handles?\"\r\n\r\nAm I in the woods? Cos you're a fox.\r\n\r\nThe only thing I want between our relationship is latex.\r\n\r\nIf you were a car, I'd wax and ride you all over town.\r\n\r\nExcuse me for interupting, and I'm not trying to make a pass, but you must be leaving the country if youre packing that much ass.\r\n\r\nHey, I lost my gun holster, can I use yours?\r\n\r\nHey I am like a Rubik's cube; the more you play with me, the harder I get!\r\n\r\nCute smile...Is that the only thing you can do with those lips?\r\n\r\nGod almost didn't make you. He was afraid the angels would get jealous.\r\n\r\nStarlight, starbright why don't you come home with me tonight?\r\n\r\nHi, I'm an fine art appraiser and your ass is priceless!\r\n\r\nYou must be a parking ticket because you got fine written all over you.\r\n\r\nIf Santa Claus comes down your chimney, and puts you in his sack, don't worry, because I wanted you for Christmas.\r\n\r\nI've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your G-spot. \r\n\r\nIf your left leg was Thanksgiving, and your right leg was Christmas, can I come see you between the holidays?\r\n\r\nYou're so hot you would make the devil sweat.\r\n\r\nAwww.. BABY GIRL YOU AIN'T NO DIME BECAUSE DIMES GET SPENT, BUT IN OTHER WORDS YOU A DIAMOND BECAUSE DIAMONDS LAST FOREVER.\r\n\r\nSee that girl over there (if yes) she's likes nails. I sure hope you prefer screws cuz I can give you a lot!\r\n\r\nIs your body a map? Cause I love to travel!\r\n\r\nLet's go behind a rock and get a little boulder!!/p>\r\n\r\nAll those curves, and me with no brakes.\r\n\r\nSmile if you want to sleep with me; then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...\r\n\r\nIf I flip a coin what are my chances of getting head?\r\n\r\nAm I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket?\r\n\r\nHey, they call me coffee cause I grind so fine\r\n\r\nWhat's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some Vitamin me.\r\n\r\nHaven't we met before?... I'm not too good with names but I'm awesome with numbers.\r\n\r\nIf a kiss was a snow flake I would send you a snow storm.\r\n\r\nYour name must be mickey, cause you so fine. (In reference to One Hit Wonder Song by Toni Basil) \r\n\r\nNice pants...can I test the zipper?\r\n\r\nI know hello in 6 different languages, which one do you want me to use in the morning?\r\n\r\nCan I get your football jersey (what?) you know, your name and number.\r\n\r\nIf I put my key in your ignition will it turn you on?\r\n\r\nI need to make a citizens arrest against you, cause it's a crime to be that fine!\r\n\r\nYou're like cigarettes, addictive as hell.\r\n\r\nDid you brush your teeth this morning or do I need to taste them to find out?\r\n\r\nDid you just take a shower or is it me that's making you wet?\r\n\r\nI feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to you, the PRETTY WOMAN.\r\n\r\nDo you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a MANfriend, give me a call.\r\n\r\nWow, I must be good at darts, because I hit a bullseye with you.\r\n\r\nDamn, girl, you're about to make the rocket in my pants blast off!\r\n\r\nHave you ever slid down a rail; She says \"no\"; would you like to slide down mine?\r\n\r\nGirl, you're so hot, I need oven mitts!\r\n\r\nHi, my name is Doug. Backwards, it's god with a little bit of U wrapped around it.\r\n\r\nWe're both fine specimens, let's say we go make some more.\r\n\r\nCould you step away from the bar? You're making all the ice melt.\r\n\r\nDo you have an extending ladder? Because the first wall you put between us was too high for my regular ladder. \r\n\r\nHey, baby, my underwear is completly stretched out. You know what that means.\r\n\r\nDrop a packet of sugar on the floor next to the girl you are after. Pick it up and say \"I'm sorry, but I think you dropped your nametag!\"\r\n\r\nWanna try and Australian kiss? (what's that?) It's like a French kiss...only down under!\r\n\r\nHey you free for dinner? Because I have a private chef who makes a mean breakfast in bed.....You see where I'm going with this? (Works better if you actually do have a private chef)\r\n\r\nAre you a drummer? Because you seem to know the beat of my heart.\r\n\r\nHey, you owe me a drink. I dropped mine when you walked past.\r\n\r\nAre you a boxer? (No) Well, how about you get on your knees and give me two blows to the head?\r\n\r\nDid you ever realize screw rhymes with me and you?\r\n\r\nAre you an alien, cause you have just abducted my heart?\r\n\r\nI'd buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the straw.\r\n\r\nDid you wash your clothes in windex? Cause I can see myself in your pants.\r\n\r\nExcuse me, do you have a quarter? (No, why?) Well, cause I told my girlfriend I'd call her when I found someone better.\r\n\r\nLet's play circus; first sit on my face, I'll guess your weight and I'll eat the difference.\r\n\r\nDo you have a cellphone in your back pocket? (why?) Cause yo booty been callin me alllll dayyyy.\r\n\r\nExcuse me, I think you dropped something (when she asks what?) \"My Jaw\"\r\n\r\nSince beauty is only skin deep, your body has no insides...\r\n\r\nThey say apples don't fall far from the tree, so that must mean your mom's hot too.\r\n\r\nGirl do you have a fever cause you sure look hot!\r\n\r\nI think I saw a picture of you once; I saw it in the dictionary, it was right next to the word \"KABLAAM\"\r\n\r\nDo you like punani? .. Because I would like 2 eat some!\r\n\r\nI like my coffee just like I like my women; (with extra sugar, black, etc.)\r\n\r\nYou wanna play pool? I'll shoot my balls in your holes.\r\n\r\nHey, baby, is your name Daisy? Because I have the urge to plant you right here.\r\n\r\nIt may be a needle, but it works like a sewing machine.\r\n\r\nWas that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world?\r\n\r\nIs that shirt (those pants) made of camel skin? (no, why?) cuz I noticed the humps.\r\n\r\nTickle your pussy with a feather? (What?) I said, \"Particularly nice weather.\"\r\n\r\nIs there a magnet in here? Cuz baby I'm attracted to you.\r\n\r\nI saw you from across the room, and I fainted, and hit my head, so I am going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.\r\n\r\nHey, do you want to play Pearl Harbor? if yes, It is where I sit back and you blow the hell out of me.\r\n\r\nHey (say her name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.\r\n\r\nYou know what would look good on you? Me.\r\n\r\nWere you standing by the fire? (why) Cause your hair is on fire.\r\n\r\nYou so fine I'd bite yo toe nails and drink yo bath water.\r\n\r\nDo you like milk? Cause you have it around your lips.\r\n\r\n(two girls are talking to each other) interrupt them saying, \"Hello, ladies, I don't mean to come between you... or do I?\"\r\n\r\nAre your parents terrorists? Cause you're the bomb.\r\n\r\nExcuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.\r\n\r\nAre you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.\r\n\r\nAre you going to the BBQ? (What BBQ?) My meat in your grill.\r\n\r\nThe only vowels I need are U and I\r\n\r\nDo you need a napkin? Because you look DIRTY!\r\n\r\nAre you a pirate? {she replies no, why?} Cause I am diggin your booty.. (or chest)... \r\n\r\nBaby, you give the sun a reason to SHINE.\r\n\r\nDo you have 10 cents? Cause from here you look like a dime.\r\n\r\nYou have monkey wrench eyes; Every time I look into them my nuts tighten.\r\n\r\n\"If I was naked, holding some pie and ice cream, would that still be dessert? or would I?\"\r\n\r\nI've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?\r\n\r\nDo you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you. \r\n\r\nYOU HAVE SOMETHING ON YOUR ASS. [WHAT?] MY EYES.\r\n\r\nAre you GREEK [IF NO] Are you SURE? CAUSE you LOOK LIKE A GODDESS TO ME.\r\n\r\nDo you know where the nearest insane asylum is? Because baby, without you I'm going crazy.\r\n\r\nI will be a Dixie Chick and you be my cowboy... now take me away!\r\n\r\nGirl, do you take karate? Because your body is kicking.\r\n\r\nHey babe, can I have your number? I think it'll look better in my pocket than in your head.\r\n\r\n\"That shirt is becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too.\"\r\n\r\nIs your last name Pepper? Cause you're SMOKIN! \r\n\r\nHey, baby, wanna see the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow?\r\n\r\nCan I use your phone to call God & I need to tell him 1 of his angels is missing!\r\n\r\nWas your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.\r\n\r\nDo you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.\r\n\r\nI can't play the guitar but I'll sure pluck your G String.\r\n\r\nMan.... Christmas must have come early this year because you were first on my Christmas list.\r\n\r\n(boy) Wanna play Titanic? (girl) Yeah (boy) When I say iceberg you go down.\r\n\r\nAre you THE MATRIX? Cause I'M THE ONE.\r\n\r\nHey, you know what? (What) You remind me of homework. (Why?) Because you're always ready to be done.\r\n\r\nDo you have a paper towel? Cuz I get dirty lookin at you!\r\n\r\nIf you were my deck, I would take out the nails and screw you.\r\n\r\nBefore you put that outfit on they were just clothes, but with you in it, it is a fashion statment.\r\n\r\nWas your father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?\r\n\r\nSave a horse, ride a cowboy.\r\n\r\nYou're like milk, I just wanna make you part of my complete breakfast.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14419,
"title": "Nasdty"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's red and goes up and down?\r\nA: A tomato in an elevator.\r\n\r\nQ: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?\r\nA: We have to stick together.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?\r\nA: Hello, hello.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a sleeping bull?\r\nA: A bulldozer.\r\n\r\nQ: When is a baseball player like a thief?\r\nA: When he steals a base.\r\n\r\nQ: What did the can say to the can opener?\r\nA: You make me flip my lid.\r\n\r\nQ: What is a volcano?\r\nA: A mountain with the hiccups.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you find at the end of everything?\r\nA: The letter \"g\".\r\n\r\nQ: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?\r\nA: He called a toe truck.\r\n\r\nQ: Why do two skunks argue?\r\nA: Because they like to kick up a stink.\r\n\r\nQ: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?\r\nA: You can count on me.\r\n\r\nQ: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?\r\nA: Put them in a barking lot.\r\n\r\nQ: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?\r\nA: He wanted to be a cool cat.\r\n\r\nQ: What did the painter say to the wall?\r\nA: One more crack and I'll plaster you.\r\n\r\nQ: Why is baseball like a cake?\r\nA: They both need batters.\r\n\r\nQ: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?\r\nA: Take me to your weeder.\r\n\r\nQ: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?\r\nA: Slippers!\r\n\r\nQ: What did the rug say to the floor?\r\nA: I've got you covered!\r\n\r\nQ: How do you make antifreeze?\r\nA: You steal her blanket.\r\n\r\nQ: Why does a cow wear a bell?\r\nA: Because her horns don't work.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14426,
"title": "Q & A"
},
{
"body": "Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say \r\n\r\n-What do you mean today's our anniversary?\r\n-I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste. \r\n-Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being \"just friends\". \r\n-The new girl in my office is a stripper...I invited her over for dinner on Friday. \r\n-Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.\r\n-I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.\r\n-I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy! \r\n-That was a great fart! Do another one! \r\n-God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! \r\n-I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.\r\n-Can we not talk to each other tonight?\r\n-I'd rather just watch TV.\r\n-It's way tooo biggg, that'll never fit in my tight.....\r\n-Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!\r\n-I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class. \r\n-And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!\r\n-Honey, does this outfit make my ass look too small?\r\n-Dammit, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.\r\n-Is that phone for me? Tell those fuckers I'm not here.\r\n-That was fun! When will all of your friends be over to watch football again? \r\n-Honey, come here! Watch me do a Body Shot off of my hot friend Stephanie\r\n-I'm tired of cuddling. ! \r\n-You're so sexy when you're hungover. \r\n-I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too. \r\n-No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed. \r\n-Your mother is way better than mine. \r\n-I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.\r\n-Hey you, pull my finger!\r\n-Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? \r\n-I think hairy butts are really sexy.\r\n-Let's subscribe to PLAYBOY!\r\n-I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. \r\n-Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint! \r\n-I'm wrong. You must be right again.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14428,
"title": "Women Will Never Say"
},
{
"body": "If you think your life is bad, how would you like to be an egg? \r\nYou get laid once in life, you only get eatten once in life, It takes 4 min to get hard, but only 2 min. to get soft, you share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother. \r\nPass this to someone who needs a good lay, sorry I mean day.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14429,
"title": "Egg"
},
{
"body": "Did you fart....Because you are blowing me away!!!\r\n\r\nMy two favorite letters of the alpabet E Z.\r\n\r\nHey, I lost my underwear, can I see yours?\r\n\r\nHey baby, have you fallen from heaven, because that would explain your face..\r\n\r\nCan i buy you a drink? Because you look like an alcoholic.\r\n\r\nDo you believe in helping the homeless? (If yes) Take me home with you. \r\n\r\nI don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated.\r\n\r\nAre you wearing a cow suit, or do you always look like a heiffer?\r\n\r\nDamn girrl did you get some lipo, your'e looking P H A T!\r\n\r\nAre you a frito cause your really corny \r\n\r\nHow much do you weigh cause your lookin PHAT*\r\n\r\nTell your mom to stop changing lipsticks cause my dick looks like a rainbow\r\n\r\nHey, why go for the best when you can go for the rest?\r\n\r\nMind if I hang out here until its safe back where I farted?\r\n\r\nDamn girl, you must have all the flies around you because you're the shit!\r\n\r\nCan I take you out to eat .....unless you wanted me to eat you out\r\n\r\nCome here or my dick will start CUMING for you!\r\n\r\nAre you a swimmer cause you have no eyebrows \r\n\r\nWas god constipated when he made you cause you smell like a pile of shit\r\n\r\nDid it hurt?(what?) when you fell from heaven? It sure looks like it\r\n\r\nMy love for you is like diareah, I just can`t hold it in.\r\n\r\nI just shit in my pants... Can i get in yours?\r\n\r\nWanna be my new vacuum cleaner...mines not sucking or blowing right\r\n\r\nDo you want a invitation (to what?) A Party in my pants\r\n\r\nGirl, if I were a fly, I'd be all over you, because you're the shit!\r\n\r\nI'll bet you 100 bucks that you couldn't get all your clothes off in 30 seconds.\r\n\r\nYour not the prettiest one in here but beauty is only a paper bag away.\r\n\r\nFuck me now or you will die......die bitch die\r\n\r\nBlow me you fat ugly hoe\r\n\r\nOh NO! I'm choking! I need mouth-to-mouth Quick!\r\n\r\nI wish you were a pig (she asks why?) cause then you'd have six....nipples(wait for slap) \r\n\r\nNice hair,... lets fuck all night long\r\n\r\nI was going to tell you a joke that'll make your tits fall off. But it looks like somebody beat me to it. \r\n\r\nI've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good. \r\n\r\nYou're ugly but you intrigue me.\r\n\r\nTheres a party in my pants and your invited.\r\n\r\n\"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if it weren't for women, my penis would rust\"\r\n\r\nDo you like trash, cause I'd love to dump on your chest\r\n\r\nTickle your pussy with a feather? (What?) I said, \"Particularily nice weather.\"\r\n\r\nHi I'm (name) and no i dont plan on being this ugly for the rest of my life.\r\n\r\nIt's Hammer Time,....bang me biaatttccchhh",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14432,
"title": "No Chance Pick Up Lines"
},
{
"body": "Do you know what to say when someone is trying to roast you?\r\n\r\n \"Sorry, but my brain doesn't interpret stupid.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 14433,
"title": "Stupid Interpretation"
},
{
"body": "Once there was a woman taking a shower when she heard a knock on door. A voice called, \"It's me, the fireman.\"\r\nSo the woman wrapped a towel around herself and went to the door. The fireman said, \"Congratulate me, I just put out a fire!\"\r\nSo the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. Then she heard another knock on her door and a voice called, \"It's me, the policeman\".\r\nSo the woman wrapped a towel around herself and went to the door. The policeman said, \"Congratulate me, I just caught a robber\".\r\nSo the woman congratulated him and went back to her shower. But before long she heard another knock on her door and a voice called, \"It's me, the blind man,\" so she didn't bother putting a towel around herself and answered the door where the blind man said, \"Congratulate me, I just got my eyesight back!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14434,
"title": "Look Before You Leap"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: \"How come you do not comb your hair?\" \r\nBilly: \"No comb, Sir.\" \r\nTeacher: \"Use your dad's then.\" \r\nBilly: \"No hair, Sir.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14435,
"title": "No Comb"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's so old, she babysat Yoda!!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14437,
"title": "Shes Soo Old"
},
{
"body": "Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, \"Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh really? Hmm, didn't know that.\"\r\n\r\nPuzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. \"I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care.\" The second Englishman remarked, \"You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn.\" So the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, \"Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh really? Hmm, didn't know that.\"\r\n\r\nShocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. \"You're right. He's unshakable!\"\r\n\r\nThe third Englishman remarked, \"Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch.\" So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, \"I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!\"\r\n\r\n\"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 14438,
"title": "Saint Patrick"
},
{
"body": "Hey, everyone, listen up, your attention if you please. \r\nWe wanna give you a warning, \r\n'Cause I found out this morning,\r\nAbout a dangerous, insidious computer virus. \r\n\r\nIf you should get it, an email with the subject, 'stinky cheese', \r\nBetter off protecting your chances, \r\nUnder no circumstances, should you open it, \r\nOr else it will... \r\n\r\nTranslate your documents into Swahili, \r\nMake your TV record \"Gigli\", \r\nNeuter your pets, and give you laundry static cling, \r\nLook out! \r\nIt's gonna make your computer screen freeze, \r\nLook out! \r\nErase the Easter eggs off your DVDs, \r\nLook out! \r\nErase your hard drive and your backups too, \r\nAnd the hard drive of anyone related to you! \r\n\r\nVirus alert! \r\nDelete immediately before someone gets hurt! \r\nForward this message on to everybody! \r\n\r\nSoon, very soon, it will make all the paint peel off your walls, \r\nIt'll make your keyboard all sticky, \r\nGive your poodle a hickey, \r\nAnd invest your cash in stock in Euro Disney, \r\nThen, it will tie up your phone, making prank long-distance calls, \r\nIt'll set your clocks back an hour and start clogging the shower, \r\nSo just trash it now, or else it will... \r\n\r\nDecide to give you a permanent wedgie, \r\nLegally change your name to Reggie, \r\nEven mess up the pH balance in your pool! \r\n\r\nLook out! \r\nIt's gonna melt your face right off your skull, \r\nLook out! \r\nAnd make your iPod only play Jethro Tull, \r\nLook out! \r\nAnd tell you knock-knock jokes while you're trying to sleep, \r\nLook out! \r\nAnd make you physically attracted to sheep, \r\nLook out! \r\nSteal your identity and your credit card, \r\nLook out! \r\nBuy you a warehouse full of pink leotards, \r\nLook out! \r\nThen cause a major rift in time and space, \r\nAnd leave a bunch of Twinkie wrappers all over the place, \r\nThat's right it's a... \r\n\r\nVirus alert! \r\nDelete immediately before someone gets hurt! \r\nForward this message on to everybody! \r\n\r\nVirus alert! \r\nDelete immediately before someone gets hurt! \r\nForward this message on to everybody, \r\nWarn all your friends, send this to everybody, \r\nTell everyone you know, tell everybody now! \r\n\r\nIf you get infected, you'll wish you had never been born, \r\nSo before it emails your grandmother all of your porn, \r\nTurn off your computer and make sure it powers down, \r\nDrop it in a forty-three-foot hole in the ground, \r\nBury it completely; rocks and boulders should be fine, \r\nThen burn all the clothes you may have worn any time you were alive! \r\n\r\nVirus alert! \r\nDelete immediately before someone gets hurt! \r\nForward this message on to everybody! \r\n\r\nVirus alert! \r\nDelete immediately before someone gets hurt! \r\nForward this message on to everybody! \r\n\r\nVirus alert! \r\nDelete immediately before someone gets hurt! \r\nForward this message on to everybody, \r\nWarn all your friends, send this to everybody, \r\nTell everyone you know, tell everybody now, \r\nWhat are you waiting for? \r\nJust hurry up and forward this to every single person that you know! \r\nHit send right now!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14439,
"title": "Virus Alert"
},
{
"body": "Uh huh ... extra cheese\r\nUh huh, uh huh ... save a piece for me\r\n\r\nPizza party at your house\r\nI went just to check it out\r\nNineteen extra larges\r\nWhat a shame\r\nNo one came\r\n\r\nJust us eatin' all alone\r\nYou said, Take the pizza home\r\nNo sense lettin' all this go to waste\r\nSo then I faced\r\n\r\nPizza all day\r\nAnd every day\r\nThis cheese 'round the clock\r\nIs gettin' me blocked\r\nAnd I sure don't care\r\nFor irregularity\r\n\r\nTell me\r\nWhy'd you have to go and make me so constipated?\r\n'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated\r\nIn the bathroom ... I sit and I wait and I strain\r\nAnd I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain\r\nOh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated?\r\nNo no no\r\n\r\nI was feelin' pretty down\r\n'Till my girlfriend came around\r\nWe're just so alike in every way\r\nI gotta say\r\n\r\nIn fact, I just thought I might\r\nPop the question there that night\r\nI was kissing her so tenderly\r\nBut woe is me\r\n\r\nWho would have guessed\r\nHer family crest\r\nI'd suddely spy\r\nTattooed on her thigh\r\nAnd son-of-a-gun\r\nIt's just like the one on me\r\n\r\nTell me\r\nHow was I supposed to know we were both related?\r\nBelieve me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated\r\nWhat to do now? Should I go ahead and propose\r\nAnd get hitched and have kids with eleven toes\r\nAnd move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?\r\nNo no no no no no no\r\nNo no no no no no no\r\nNo no no no \r\n\r\nI had so much on my mind\r\nI thought maybe I'd unwind\r\nTry out that new roller coaster ride\r\nAnd the guide\r\n\r\nSaid not to stand\r\nBut that's a demand\r\nThat I couldn't meet\r\nI got on my feet\r\nAnd stood up instead\r\nAnd knocked off my head, you see\r\n\r\nTell me\r\nWhy'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?\r\nThis really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it\r\nSuch a drag, now ... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore\r\nI can't belch or yodel anymore\r\nCan't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated\r\n\r\nOh no\r\nWhy'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (yeah, yeah)\r\nI gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated\r\nWhat a bummer\r\nCan't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeeze\r\nBut my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now\r\nHaven't been the same since my head and I were separated\r\nNo no no",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14440,
"title": "Complicated Song"
},
{
"body": "Little Tommy was telling his friend Billy all about his Christmas presents.\r\n\r\n\"My daddy bought me a mouth organ. It's the best present I've ever had.\"\r\n\r\n\"Why?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because my mummy gives me extra money every week if I don't play it.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14441,
"title": "The Best Present"
},
{
"body": "A group of young children was sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.\r\n\r\n\"Davy, what noise does a cow make?\"\r\n\"It goes moo.\"\r\n\r\n\"Alice, what noise does a cat make?\"\r\n\"It goes meow.\"\r\n\r\n\"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?\"\r\n\"It goes baaa.\"\r\n\r\n\"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?\"\r\n\"Errr..it goes.. click!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14442,
"title": "Animal Sounds"
},
{
"body": "A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.\r\n\r\n\"And lead us not into temptation\", she prayed, \"but deliver us some e-mail, Amen.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14443,
"title": "The Lord's Prayer"
},
{
"body": "Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, \"Did God make you, Grandpa?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, God made me,\" the grandfather answered.\r\n\r\nA few minutes later, the little girl asked him, \"Did God make me, too?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, He did,\" the older man answered.\r\n\r\nFor a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.\r\n\r\nAt last she spoke up. \"You know, Grandpa,\" she said, \"God's doing a lot better job lately.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14444,
"title": "God's Work"
},
{
"body": "In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3am one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.\r\n\r\nThe driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20, 30, 40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.\r\n \r\nTrooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car.\r\nThe driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, \"Pull over!\" \r\nThe man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine.\r\n \r\nNeedless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour.\r\n\r\nWho says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14447,
"title": "Oklahoma State Trooper"
},
{
"body": "I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.\r\n\r\nWhen I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell, so I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that - and I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.\r\n\r\nWell, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.\r\n\r\nShe holds up a snapshot of an infant. \"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.\"\r\n\r\n\"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.\"\r\n\r\nShe's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.\r\n\r\n\"Then, abou",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14449,
"title": "Middle Wife"
},
{
"body": "During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn't figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.\r\n\r\nA luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passer-by he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store... and called the police.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14450,
"title": "Stupid Robbers V"
},
{
"body": "A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a job... as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man's fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead.\r\n\r\nA repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard - which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years before, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14451,
"title": "Stupid Robbers VI"
},
{
"body": "Man: Why do you have a steering wheel in your crotch?\r\nOther Man: My wife was driving me nuts",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14452,
"title": "Wheel"
},
{
"body": "I invented a cure for amnesia - but I've forgotten what it is!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14453,
"title": "Amnesia?"
},
{
"body": "A man was lost for hours when he suddenly came up to a house. \r\nThe man knocked on the door and asks to enter. The woman who owns the house asked, \"Who is it?\"\r\n\r\nThe man answered, \"I and I King Silassi I Jah Rasta Fari.\"\r\n\r\nThe lady replied, \"Go away, there are too many of you for me to let you in.\"",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 14454,
"title": "I and I"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so fat that her roller blades went flat.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14456,
"title": "Skates"
},
{
"body": "Sorry I'm late... I had to walk down stairs... since yo momma took up the entire elevator and it broke.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14458,
"title": "Elevator 2"
},
{
"body": "A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs.\r\n\r\nA female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.\r\n\r\nShortly before landing, she couldn't remember who gave her the package, so she announced to the entire cabin, \"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand?\"\r\n\r\nNot one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14459,
"title": "Cannser"
},
{
"body": "Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, \"Shingles.\" So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.\r\n\r\nFifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.\r\n\r\nBubba said, \"Shingles.\" So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.\r\n\r\nA half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, \"Shingles.\" So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.\r\n\r\nAn hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, \"Shingles.\" The doctor asked, \"Where?\"\r\n\r\nBubba said, \"Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 14460,
"title": "Bubba"
},
{
"body": "This is completely true!\r\n\r\nOkay, so it was after dinner and my sister, dad and I were at the table just kinda goofing off then my sister asked me this riddle:\r\n\r\nThere is one man in a jungle, he reaches into his pocket and takes something out, it has a head and a tail but no body, yet he is not afraid. What was the thing he found in his pocket?\r\n\r\nI couldn't figure it out so my dad gave me a hint:\r\nyou can flip it.\r\n\r\nI still could not figure it out.\r\nWhat do you flip? asked my dad.\r\nThen I was all like:\r\n\r\nA coin. A COIN! A COIN! THAT'S IT, A COIN!!!\r\n\r\nWhat can I say? I'm a blonde, but it doesn't count too much because I have dirty blonde hair and blonde and dirty blonde isn't the same thing.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14461,
"title": "Jungle"
},
{
"body": "1. Chuck Norris beat the brick wall in tennis.\r\n\r\n2. The boogy man does not wait for chuck norris, Chuck Norris waits for the boogy man.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14462,
"title": "2 of the Best Chuck Norris Jokes Ever"
},
{
"body": "1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.\r\n\r\n2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.\r\n\r\n3. The cemetary must be the best place on earth; people are dying to get in there.\r\n\r\n4. Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them.\r\n\r\n5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.\r\n\r\n6. Don't take life too seriously; no-one gets out alive.\r\n\r\n7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.\r\n\r\n8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.\r\n\r\n9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.\r\n\r\n10. I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.\r\n\r\n11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.\r\n\r\n12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.\r\n\r\n13. God must love stupid people; he made so many.\r\n\r\n14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.\r\n\r\n15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.\r\n\r\n16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?\r\n\r\n17. Being \"over the hill\" is much better than being under it!\r\n\r\n18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.\r\n\r\n19. Procrastinate now!\r\n\r\n20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; do you Want fries with that?\r\n\r\n21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.\r\n\r\n22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.\r\n\r\n23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!\r\n\r\n24.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.\r\n\r\n25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.\r\n\r\n26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.\r\n\r\n27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.\r\n\r\n28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.\r\n\r\n29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.\r\n\r\n30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14465,
"title": "Thirty lines to make you smile..."
},
{
"body": "One employee asked another, \"How long have you been working here?\"\r\n\r\nThe second said, \"Ever since the boss threatened to fire me!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14467,
"title": "See Me Go!"
},
{
"body": "This is true! In a speech George W. Bush made in 2001 he concluded:\r\n\r\n\r\nBut all in all, my wife and I have had a wonderful year!\r\n\r\n(2001 was the year that the Twin Towers were destroyed)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14468,
"title": "Bush"
},
{
"body": "I was recently riding with a friend of mine.\r\n\r\nWe were coming to a red light, and he shoots right through it. I ask him, \"Why'd you do that?\" He tells me this is how his brother drives.\r\n\r\nWe come to another red light, and again, he shoots right through it. I ask him, \"Why'd you do that?\" Again, he tells me this is how his brother drives.\r\n\r\nWe come to a green light, and he SLAMS on the brakes. My heart nearly goes into my throat. I shouted at him, \"Why do you do that?!\"\r\n\r\nHe replied, \"You never know, my brother could be coming the other way.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14473,
"title": "But That's How My Brother Drives!"
},
{
"body": "How can you tell the difference between a blonde and a red head?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nHair color.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14480,
"title": "Blonde Vs. Red Head"
},
{
"body": "How do you get pikachu on a bus?\r\n\r\nYou pokemon.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14481,
"title": "The Best Joke"
},
{
"body": "Lou sat at the bar furiously pounding down shots of whiskey.\r\n\r\nHis best friend, Jim, spotted him and said, \"Lou, what's going on? Are you okay? I've known you for fifteen years and I've never seen you drink like this before.\"\r\n\r\nStaring at his next filled shot glass, Lou replied, \"My wife just ran off with my best friend,\" and tossed that drink down, too.\r\n\r\n\"But I thought that I was your best friend?\" said Jim. \r\nLou looked at Jim through bloodshot eyes and slurred, \"Not any more!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 14482,
"title": "His Best Friend"
},
{
"body": "A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, \"Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps,free medical care, and free education!\" The passerby says, \"You are mistaken, I am Mexican.\"\r\n\r\nThe man goes on and encounters another passerby.\"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!\" The person says, \"I not American, I Vietnamese.\"\r\n\r\nThe new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, \"Thank you for the wonderful America!\" That person puts up his hand and says, \"I am from Middle East, I am not American!\"\r\n\r\nHe finally sees a nice lady and asks, \"Are you an\r\nAmerican?\" She says, \"No, I am from Africa!\"\r\nPuzzled, he asks her, \"Where are all the Americans?\" \r\n\r\nThe African lady checks her watch and says...\"Probably at work.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14483,
"title": "Where are All the Americans?"
},
{
"body": "A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.\r\n The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.\r\nThe fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:\r\n The first worm in alcohol - Dead.\r\n The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.\r\n Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead .\r\n Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.\r\n\r\n So the Minister asked the congregation,\"What can you learn from this demonstration?\"\r\n\r\n Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,\"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14484,
"title": "Church Lessons"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig?\r\n\r\nJurassic pork!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14485,
"title": "Jurassic Park"
},
{
"body": "I was at my friends house and we were bragging about how little we can eat. My friend J.B sister said some times I don't eat all day. I asked her, \"oh you fast?\" Then she says, \"No, I'm actually pretty slow.\" Then her mom told her fasting is not eating for a long time. That is why breakfast is called breakfast, to break your fast and eat. Then his sister goes, \"How do you know?\"\r\n\r\nI busted a gut so bad. She should have been a blond.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14486,
"title": "My Brothers Sister"
},
{
"body": "A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.\r\n\r\nHIM \"I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today.\"\r\n\r\nHER \"But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear.\"\r\n\r\nHIM \"OK, darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news.\"\r\n\r\nHER \"Well, the air bag works.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14488,
"title": "Hello, Dear"
},
{
"body": "One man solved his problem of too many visiting relatives by borrowing money from the rich ones and loaning it to the poor ones.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14489,
"title": "Dealing With Relatives"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between the Library of Congress and the House of Representatives?\r\n\r\nIn the Library of Congress you're not allowed to lick the pages!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14490,
"title": "Congress"
},
{
"body": "A priest was assigned a small church in the Alaskan backwoods.\r\n\r\nAfter a couple of years, the bishop stopped by to see how he was doing.\r\n\r\n\"Ah, Bishop, it's really lonely here. I couldn't have made it without my Rosary and two martinis a day.\"\r\n\r\nThe bishop replied, \"You know, a martini would taste good right now.\"\r\n\r\nThe priest agreed and yelled into the kitchen, \"Hey, Rosary! Fix us a couple of martinis, will ya!?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 14491,
"title": "The Priest in Alaska"
},
{
"body": "A son asked his mother the following question:\r\n\r\n\"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?\"\r\n\r\nThe mother replies,\r\n\r\n\"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.\"\r\n\r\nThe son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.\r\n\r\n\"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?\"\r\n\r\nThe father says,\r\n\r\n\"Son, all household appliances come in white.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14493,
"title": "Why?"
},
{
"body": "A teenage boy with spiked hair, a nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, \"I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14494,
"title": "Spiky"
},
{
"body": "Two fat men took part in a marathon.\r\n\r\nOne ran in short bursts, and the other ran in burst shorts.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14496,
"title": "The Marathon"
},
{
"body": "A fat woman and a slim woman were both smoking cigarettes; which one finished hers first?\r\n\r\nThe fat woman - she takes bigger draws.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14497,
"title": "The Smokers"
},
{
"body": "3 young boys were walking along a river bank when they saw a man drowning in the river. Together they manage to pull him out.\r\n\r\nWhen they pulled him out they notice that it is in fact George Bush, leader of the free world.\r\n\r\nGeorge Bush says to the boys, \"Thank you oh so much! In return for you kindness, I will give each of you whatever you desire.\"\r\n\r\nHe turns to the first boy, \"What would you like?\"\r\n\r\nThe boy says, \"I'd like a bike, but not just any bike, a bike with all the whistles and gadgets it could possibly have!\"\r\n\r\nGeorge Bush says, \"And you shall have it!\" He turns to the second boy, \"And what about you?\"\r\n\r\nThe boy goes, \"I'd like a huge house for all 12 members of my family, a huge mansion in the country, with many bedrooms and many bathrooms!\"\r\n\r\nGeorge Bush says, \"And so you shall!\" and finally the third boy, \"What do you require?\"\r\n\r\nThe third boy goes, \"A state funeral.\"\r\n\r\nGeorge Bush is slightly taken aback by this, \"But child, you are the farthest thing from dead, and funerals are just for the dead!\"\r\n\r\n\"Yeah, but when my dad finds out I rescued George Bush from drowning he's gonna kill me...\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14501,
"title": "George Bush Drowning..."
},
{
"body": "We all know that Hilary Duff dyed her hair blonde, but the turning point when she actually BECAME a blonde was in a song she wrote.\r\n\r\nIt was the following:\r\n\r\n\"When the light is off then it isn't on.\"\r\n\r\nFrom the song \"So Yesterday.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14505,
"title": "Hilary Duff's Changing Point"
},
{
"body": "Don't think of yourself as a zero,\r\nthink of yourself as the number below one.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 14506,
"title": "Zero"
},
{
"body": "The policeman stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.\r\n\r\n\"I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia,\" she said.\r\n\r\nThe cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, \"Well, OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14508,
"title": "The Speeder"
},
{
"body": "One day, Bob's class was assigned to write down everything they heard at home.\r\n\r\nWhen Bob got home, he heard his mom and dad fighting.\r\n\"Shut up\" he heard his dad say.\r\n\r\nBob wrote that down.\r\n\r\nNext he went to his sister's room. She was chatting on-line. It just so happened that she said everything she typed. \"Duh!\" Bob heard her saying.\r\n\r\nBob wrote that down.\r\n\r\nAfter that, he went to the living room were he heard his little brother saying, \"Super Man!\"\r\n\r\nBob wrote that down.\r\n\r\nLast, he went near the bathroom were his grandpa was singing, \"Every day, the whole day, in the bathroom.\"\r\n\r\nBob wrote that down.\r\n\r\n~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\r\n\r\nThe next day at school, The teacher asked Bob, \"What did you write, Bob?\"\r\n\r\nBob answered, \"Shut up!\"\r\n\r\n\"Excuse me, but do you want to go to the Principal's office?\"\r\n\r\n\"Duh!\" was Bob's reply.\r\n\r\nAt the principal's office he asked Bob, \"What's your name?\"\r\n\r\nBob answered, \"Super Man!\"\r\n\r\n\"Uh huh, and where do you live, Mr. Super Man?\" asked the principal.\r\n\r\nThis was his reply:\r\n\r\n\"Every day, the whole day, in the bathroom!\"\r\n\r\nFrom that day on, Bob was home-schooled.\r\n\r\nP.S. I know it's a lame title, but what can I say, I'm not brilliant when it comes to titles.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14509,
"title": "Bad Bob"
},
{
"body": "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14512,
"title": "Beer"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nIdaho.\r\n\r\nIdaho who?\r\n\r\nI da hoe!!!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 14513,
"title": "Idaho"
},
{
"body": "A man hated the Trojans. He loved USC. Why?\r\n\r\n\r\nHe hated using Trojan condoms. He wanted to have sex the o'natural way.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14515,
"title": "Trojans"
},
{
"body": "Why did Richard Nixon become President?\r\n\r\nEveryone called him Dick! They judged him by his name!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14517,
"title": "Richard Nixon"
},
{
"body": "How do you know when you've had enough sex?\r\n\r\nWhen you die from AIDS!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14518,
"title": "Enough Sex"
},
{
"body": "\"This storm is bad,\" Bob thundered.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14519,
"title": "Bob ______"
},
{
"body": "A book never written:\r\n\r\n\r\nBecoming a Better Artist\r\n\r\nby\r\n\r\nN.O. Creativity",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14520,
"title": "A Book Never Written"
},
{
"body": "A book never written:\r\n\r\n\r\nL.O.L. (lots o' logs)\r\n\r\nby\r\n\r\nP. Lumyum",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14522,
"title": "A Book Never Written 2"
},
{
"body": "A book never written:\r\n\r\n\r\nYellow Rivers\r\n\r\nby\r\n\r\nL. O. Tsoftea",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14523,
"title": "A Book Never Written 3"
},
{
"body": "A teacher is telling her class she has two words that will not be allowed to use.\r\n\r\nTeacher: There are two words which I will never let you use. One is gross and the other is cool.\r\n\r\nStudent: So what are the words?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14526,
"title": "Two Forbidden Words"
},
{
"body": "How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? \r\n\r\nThe whole team - and they each get a semester scholarship for it.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 14527,
"title": "Lightbulb"
},
{
"body": "Here is a book never written.\r\n\r\nExtinction is Distinction \r\n\r\nby Dinah Soar",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14528,
"title": "Extinction Is Distinction"
},
{
"body": "What bird can't fly as high as you can jump?\r\n\r\nA bird in a cage.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14529,
"title": "Birds Fly"
},
{
"body": "Which candles burn longer, the candles on a girl's cake or a boy's cake? \r\n\r\n\r\nNo candles burn longer. They all burn shorter.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14530,
"title": "Candles"
},
{
"body": "A doctor one day was accidentally cut rather badly on the leg. He went to an operating theatre and started to stitch his own leg up, using a local anaesthetic.\r\n\r\nWhile doing this, a colleague came into the room, and offered to help. The first doctor thanked him, but said he would carry on himself.\r\n\r\nThe second doctor said, \"Ok, suture self!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14531,
"title": "\"What's Up, Doc?\""
},
{
"body": "A blonde goes into a newsagent's office and asks for her usual paper.\r\n\r\nThe newsagent says, \"Did you know your paper is going to cost more from tomorrow?\"\r\n\r\n\"In that case, I'd better buy ten more of today's!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14532,
"title": "Paper Over the Cracks"
},
{
"body": "Once, a man walked into a bar. He went up to the counter and ordered his drink. The guy next to him had a bowl of chili that he didnt seem to be eating.\r\n\r\n\"Sir, could I bother you for some chili?\" he asked very politely.\r\n\r\n\"Go right ahead\" he responded, passing the chili.\r\n\r\nAbout half way through, he saw there was a rat at the bottom of the chili. In repsonse to this he puked the chili back up. At this time the man next to him stared.\r\n\r\n\"Funny thats farther than I got,\" he said.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14535,
"title": "Look Before You Eat"
},
{
"body": "I have a spelling checker,\r\nIt came with my PC.\r\nIt plane lee marks four my revue,\r\nMiss steaks aye can knot see.\r\n\r\nEye ran this poem threw it.\r\nYour sure real glad two no.\r\nIts very polished in its weigh,\r\nMy checker tolled me sew.\r\n\r\nA checker is a blessing.\r\nIt freeze yew lodes of thyme.\r\nIt helps me right awl stiles two reed,\r\nAnd aides me when aye rime.\r\n\r\nEach frays comes posed up on my screen,\r\nEye trussed too bee a joule.\r\nThe checker pours o'er every word,\r\nTo cheque sum spelling rule.\r\n\r\nBee fore a veiling checkers,\r\nHour spelling mite decline,\r\nAnd if we're laks oar have a laps,\r\nWe wood bee maid too wine.\r\n\r\nButt now bee cause my spelling,\r\nIs checked with such grate flare,\r\nThere are know faults with in my cite,\r\nOf nun eye am a wear.\r\n\r\nNow spelling does not phase me,\r\nIt does knot bring a tier.\r\nMy pay purrs awl due glad den,\r\nWith wrapped words fare as hear.\r\n\r\nTo rite with care is quite a feet,\r\nOf witch won should be proud,\r\nAnd wee mussed dew the best wee can,\r\nSew flaws are knot aloud.\r\n\r\nSow ewe can sea why aye dew prays,\r\nSuch soft wear four pea seas,\r\nAnd why eye brake in two averse,\r\nBuy righting want too please.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 14536,
"title": "Spelling Checker"
},
{
"body": "So anyway, this leper goes into a bar. And this guy is in a really advanced state of decay, you know, like the werewolf's friend in American Werewolf in London, towards the end of the movie... Anyhow, he goes into this bar, sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, \"Look, before I order, I'd like you to know that I'm aware of how my appearance affects some people, and I'll fully understand it if you refuse to serve me.\" The bartender, who is looking a little pasty-faced, says, \"No, sir, I am a professional, and you are my customer. It is my pleasure to serve you. What would you like?\" \"A shot of whiskey, if it's not too much trouble.\" \"Coming right up, sir.\" The bartender pours the drink, then goes to the area behind the bar, ostensibly to wash some glasses, but the leper can hear him puking his guts out. When the bartender returns a moment later, wiping the corner of his mouth with a rag, the leper says, \"Look, I told you I would understand. You didn't have to go through that for my sake!\" To which the bartender replied, \"I know that, sir, and I would like to assure you that I would have had no trouble, but for the last 5 minutes or so, the drunk next to you has been dipping his crackers in your arm.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14537,
"title": "The Leper"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so dumb I told her to do an essay and she went and fucked a mexican...",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14540,
"title": "Do an Essay"
},
{
"body": "SO GREASY\r\n\r\nYo momma's so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!\r\n\r\nYo momma's so greasy she sweats Crisco!\r\n\r\nYo momma's so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her!\r\n\r\nSO NASTY\r\n\r\nYo momma's so nasty, she made speed stick slow down!\r\n\r\nYo momma's so nasty, she brings crabs to the beach!\r\n\r\nYo momma's so nasty, she made the right guard turn left!\r\n\r\nYo momma's so nasty, the fishery paid her to leave!\r\n\r\nYo momma's so nasty, she has to creep up on bathwater!\r\n\r\nYo momma's so nasty, she pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh!\r\n\r\nYo momma's so nasty, I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.\r\n\r\nSO POOR\r\n\r\nYo momma's so poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, and she said, \"Moving!\"\r\n\r\nYo momma's so poor, she can't afford to pay attention!\r\n\r\nYo momma's so poor, when I ring the door bell, I hear the toilet flush!\r\n\r\nYo momma's so poor, when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!\r\n\r\nYo momma's so poor, when I ring the doorbell, she says, \"DING!\"\r\n\r\nYo momma's so poor, she went to McDonald's, and put a milkshake on Tayaway!\r\n\r\nYo momma's so poor, your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk!\r\n\r\nYo momma's so poor, her face is on the front of a foodstamp!\r\n\r\nYo momma's so poor, when she was in K-mart with a box of Hefty bags, I asked her, \"What are you doing?\" and she answered, \"Buying luggage!\"\r\n\r\nYo momma's so poor, she drives a peanut!\r\n\r\nYo momma's so poor, she waves around a popsicle-stick, and calls it air-conditioning!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14544,
"title": "Greasy, Fat, and Poor"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?\r\nA: A dead baby in a clown costume!\r\n\r\nQ: What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?\r\nA: When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off!\r\n\r\nQ: What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?\r\nA: A baby with a punctured lung!\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?\r\nA: Fucked!\r\n\r\nQ: How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?\r\nA: Nail its other hand to the floor!\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a dead baby and 6 week old bread?\r\nA: A Big Mac!\r\n\r\nQ: How do you make a man pregnant?\r\nA: Stick a dead baby up his ass!\r\n\r\nQ: How many babies does it take to paint a house?\r\nA: Depends how hard you throw them!\r\n\r\nQ: What crawls on the floor and can't fit in an elevator?\r\nA: A baby with a javelin through it's head!\r\n\r\nQ: What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?\r\nA: A peeled baby in a bag of salt!\r\n\r\nQ: What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of baby guts?\r\nA: You can't gargle gravel!\r\n\r\nQ: What gets louder as it gets smaller?\r\nA: A baby in a trash compactor!\r\n\r\nQ: What's the difference between a Dead Baby and a tree?\r\nA: One is legal to hit with an axe!\r\n\r\nQ: What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman?\r\nA: A baby with a black eye!\r\n\r\nQ: How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?\r\nA: With a blender!\r\n\r\nQ: How do you get them out again?\r\nA: With tortilla chips!\r\n\r\nQ: How many dead babies does it take to change a tire?\r\nA: Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it incase it explodes!\r\n\r\nQ: What's white and red and hangs from a telephone wire?\r\nA: A baby shot through a snowblower!\r\n\r\nQ: What's red, pink, yellow, and on the bottom of the pool?\r\nA: A baby with slashed floaties!\r\n\r\nQ: What's green, black, yellow, and on the bottom of the pool!\r\nA: That same baby 3 weeks later!\r\n\r\nQ: What's the difference between a Lambourgini and a pile of dead babies?\r\nA: I don't have a Lambourgini in my garage!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14545,
"title": "Dead Baby Jokes"
},
{
"body": "How many George Walter Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nLuckily, only 2. The world can't handle many more idiots.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 14546,
"title": "Bush"
},
{
"body": "Returning home from dinner out one night, I started to feel sick. Suspecting food poisoning, I called the restaurant's manager. \"I can't believe that happened!\", she said. She sounded truly shocked. \"What did you order?\" I told her I ordered the meat loaf. \"That's weird,\"she observed.\"Usually it's the stuffing.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14548,
"title": "Food Poisoning"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny was playing in the playground when he looks over and sees two teenagers having sex. He runs over to his mum who tells him that they are making 'cupcakes'.\r\n\r\nHe then goes on and continues playing. He then sees two 20 year olds getting naked in the sand box. He runs over to his mum and asks what they are doing. She again tells him that they are making 'cupcakes'.\r\n\r\nThe next morning Little Johnny's mum asked him if he had a good sleep. He replies no. He then goes on \"You and daddy were making a lot of noise when you were making 'cupcakes' last night\". She Replies \"And how do you know we were making \"cupcakes?\"\r\n\r\nHe then says with a huge grin on his face. \"I licked the icing off the couch!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14550,
"title": "Cupcakes"
},
{
"body": "How do you tell when a lawyer is well-hung?\r\nWhen you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his throat.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 14555,
"title": "Well-Hung"
},
{
"body": "How many Microsoft Employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\nNone, they'll just make darkness the new industry standard!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 14558,
"title": "Microsoft Employees"
},
{
"body": "What does playing the bagpipes and throwing a javelin blind-folded have in common?\r\nYou don't have to be very good at either to get a lot of peoples' attention.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14561,
"title": "Bagpipes and Javelins"
},
{
"body": "Does anyone know why I have nightmares?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause the last man that had a \"dream\" got shot.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14562,
"title": "MLk/ Nightmare"
},
{
"body": "There were 3 boys named trouble, jackass, and manners. They were playing a game of hide and seek. Trouble was counting, manners was hid up in a tree, and jackass was hiding behind the same tree. A police man walks over to jackass and says \"I'll give you a lollipop if you tell me your name\". He then replies, \"jackass.\" The police man says where are your manners, he then points up in the tree. The police man says, \"are you looking for trouble\". Trouble then says \"no trouble is looking for me.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14563,
"title": "Trouble, Jackass, and Manners"
},
{
"body": "Okay, so. King Arthur is in a heated battle with another king. Now, Arthur has all of his best men in battle, but unfortunatly, he loses. Because kings don't really kill other kings, the king agrees to let Arthur go, if he answers one question. The king asks Arther to find out what a woman wants most. The question must be answered in 1 year's time. Arthur has no idea where to look, so he sends a few of his best soldiers to search for someone who knows what women want. 2 months later, Arthur hears word of a witch who lives up in the northern-most mountains who knows what all women want. Arthur sent his best man, Sir Lancelot Du Lac to find the witch. Sir Lancelot travels for many moons, until one day, he finally finds the witch. He walks into the cave and sees only a bear. He says, \"Kind bear, will you please tell me where the witch is?\"\r\nThe bear replies, \"What business do you have here?\"\r\n\"I need to find out what women want the most.\"\r\n\"Well, I'll tell you on one condition; you marry me.\"\r\nNow Lancelot is a very handsome man. He is the best looking man in Arthur's entire kindgom, but Lancelot is so loyal to Arthur that he just has to marry this witch.\r\n\"Okay, I will marry you,\" Sir Lancelot agrees.\r\n\"What a women wants most is to make her own decisions. Now, shall we ride home?\"\r\nLancelot and the witch ride home. Before the wedding, Arthur tells Lancelot that he doesn't need to do this but Lancelot is determined to keep his promise to the witch. After Lancelot is married to the witch and they go to their room in the castle, the witch turns into a beautiful woman. She asks Lancelot, \"Will you rather I am this beautiful in the night, with you, or in the day, when company will see me?\"\r\nLancelot thinks for a minute, then says, \"You decide.\"\r\n\"Very good. You have been listening. Now, I will be beautiful all the time.\"\r\nThe moral of this story is that no matter how beautiful or how ugly she is, all women are witches.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14564,
"title": "King Arthur"
},
{
"body": "In Utah, the following laws are on the books: \r\n\r\n1) Birds have the rightaway on all highways.\r\n\r\n2)It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.\r\n\r\n3) In Tremonton, it is illegal to have sex in a moving ambulance.If you are caught doing so the guy is let go and the woman is punished and her name appears in the newspaper.\r\n\r\n4) In Trout Creek, pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14566,
"title": "Dumb Utah Laws"
},
{
"body": "1) In Bettendorf, it is illegal for liquor stores to place advertisements for beer outside the store.\r\n\r\n2)In Mount Vernon, a person first must obtain written permission from the City Council before throwing bricks into a highway.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14567,
"title": "Dumb Iowa Laws"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was asked to open up the coffee shop on Monday. So, the blonde went in early to open up. She gathered all the ingredients together, and had everything ready for the customers.\r\nHalf an hour went by, and still no customers entered the coffee shop. The blonde decided to read the comics to pass the time.\r\nAn hour later, her co-worker came in late as the blonde was still reading the comics.\r\n\"Why does the sign say closed?\" the co-worker asked the blonde.\r\nThe blonde looked up from her comics, \"Nah uh. It doesn't say closed. Look right there,\" she said pointing at the sign. \"See, it says open.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14568,
"title": "Opening the Shop"
},
{
"body": "A good marriage would be between a blind woman, and a deaf man.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14569,
"title": "A Good Marriage"
},
{
"body": "One afternoon, Tommy is driving down a highway to spend some time at a lake and relax. On his way to the lake, he spots a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway, gesturing for him to stop.\r\nHe rolls down his window and asks, \"How can I help you?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm the red jerk of the highway. You got something to eat?\" the guy in red says.\r\n\r\nSmiling, Tommy hands the guy a sandwich and drives away. A few short minutes later, he comes across another guy. This guy is dressed completely in yellow, and he's standing on the side, motioning for him to stop.\r\n\r\nSlightly annoyed, he stops, rolls down the window, and says, \"What can I do for you?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to drink?\" the guy in yellow asks.\r\n\r\nBarely managing a smile, Tommy hands the guy a can of soda and takes off again. Wanting to reach the lake before sunset, he decides to go faster and not stop, no matter what.\r\n\r\nMuch to his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the road. This guy is dressed in blue and is signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, he stops one last time, rolls down his window, and screams, \"Let me guess. You must be the blue jerk of the highway. Just what the hell do you wanna have?\"\r\n\r\n\"Driver's license and registration, please!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 14572,
"title": "Going To The Lake"
},
{
"body": "Wal-mart is planning on opening fifty new stores in areas that are blighted.\r\nIronically, the official definition of blighted is what happens to an area when Wal-mart opens a store nearby.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14573,
"title": "What's In Store For You?"
},
{
"body": "Jack: Why did you name your pig Paris Hilton?\r\n\r\nJill: She's always trying to hog up all the attention.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14574,
"title": "Celebrity Hog"
},
{
"body": "Yo dadda liked women until he saw yo momma.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14575,
"title": "Think Before You Speak."
},
{
"body": "My mom's favorite joke, played on some radio station.\r\n\r\nORIGINAL JOKE: \r\nJohnny- Mother, can I have another piece of cake?\r\nMother- Yes, you may have more cake, but if you do, you'll explode!\r\nWell, Johnny ate another piece of cake and sure enough, he exploded.\r\n\r\nRIDDLE:\r\nWhat sits next to mother, eats cake and explodes?\r\nGive up? JOHNNY!\r\n\r\nFORGET PUNCHLINE:\r\nYou- Johnny asks mother if he can have another piece of cake. Mother says yes, but if you do, you'll explode.So then Johnny er... Johnny um Johnnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy erm listens to mother?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14576,
"title": "How to Ruin a Joke"
},
{
"body": "This is funny",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14577,
"title": "This is a Joke"
},
{
"body": "You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. \r\n\r\n- Henny Youngman",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14579,
"title": "What I Did"
},
{
"body": "Why does a dog have fur?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n'Cause if he didn't he'd be a little \"bare\"!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14580,
"title": "Dog Fur"
},
{
"body": "How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?\r\n---------------------\r\n54. Two in the front, two in the back, and fifty in the ashtray.\r\n\r\n\r\nWhat is the difference between a large pizza and a Jew?\r\n---------------------\r\nThe large pizza won't scream when you put it in the oven.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 14581,
"title": "JEWS!"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a black man and a large pizza?\r\n--------------\r\na large pizza can feed a family of four\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nWhat do sperm and black men have in common?\r\n--------------\r\nonly one in a million work!!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 14582,
"title": "Working"
},
{
"body": "Alabama\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A 1950 anti-obscenity law in Irondale, Ala., prohibited any showing of anyone nude or \"in a substantially nude state\" except a babe in arms.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 An ordinance in Linden, Ala., provided that all women of \"uncertain chastity\" had to be off the streets by 9 p.m.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Children of incestuous couples are deemed legitimate. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Hunting is not allowed on Sunday.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Incestuous marriages are legal.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to stab yourself to gain someone's pity.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is legal to drive the wrong way on a one way street if you have a lantern on the front of your car.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's against the law for a man to seduce \"a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage.\"\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Jasper: It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Lee County: It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Masks may not be worn in public\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Montgomery: It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 No persons may sell \"blow-out nuts\". \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Peanuts are not allowed to be sold in Lee County, Alabama after sunset on Wednesdays. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Pool halls may not be operated between 11:30 PM and 6 AM.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Slavery is still legal in Decatur, Alabama.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The game of crackaloo is illegal in Fairfield, Ala. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may not drive barefooted. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You must have windshield wipers on your car.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14583,
"title": "Cra-Z Laws:Alabama"
},
{
"body": "Alaska\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A law in Fairbanks does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.\r\n(O_o)\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Even though it is legal to hunt a bear, it is illegal to wake a bear for photo opportunities.\r\n(is shooting waking?)\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Fairbanks: It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.\r\n(but why?)\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone's ear while they are moose hunting.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.\r\n(How did the moose get in the flippin plane?) \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Moose may not be viewed from an airplane. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 State policy states that emergencies are held to a minimum and rarely found to exist.\r\n(*911* \"we are sorry, this number has been disconnected\")",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14584,
"title": "Cra-Z Laws:Alaska, With Commentary By ME!!!"
},
{
"body": "Arizona\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony (This goes back in the days of the Wild West). \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Due to a typographical error in the Tempe, Ariz., code, a shooting range can be run by the \"Amateur Crapshooting Association.\" \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Glendale: Cars may not be driven in reverse. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Hayden: If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Hunting camels is prohibited. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In 1985, an Arizona legislator proposed that each candidate for the legislature take a reading and an I.Q. test three months before the election. The scores would have been posted on the ballot, had the bill passed. But a majority of legislators, for whatever reason, voted it down. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Arizona it is illegal to take naked photographs before noon on Sunday.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Maricopa County: No more than six girls may live in any house. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Mesa: It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Mohave County: A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Nogales: An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Oral sex is considered to be sodomy.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Prescott: No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Tucson: Women may not wear pants.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may not have more than two dildos in a house.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 14585,
"title": "Cra-Z Laws:Arizona"
},
{
"body": "California\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Alhambra: You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Arcadia: Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A server in California can be convicted of selling to a minor if the purchaser uses a false or altered ID to buy the alcohol. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Bathhouses are against the law. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Belvedere City Council order reads: \"No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.\" \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds; Carmel Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor); Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 California only fairly recently legalized the sale of alcoholic beverages in nudist colonies.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Car wash attendants in San Francisco, California may not use old pairs of underware to wash or dry vehicles. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Chico: Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Downey: It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995). \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In 1838, the city of Los Angeles passed an ordinance requiring that a man obtain a license before serenading a woman.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Berkeley, Calif., you can't whistle for an escaped bird before 7 a.m. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In California, community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In California it is illegal to have caller ID \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In California it's against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In California you may not set a mouse trap without a hunting license.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Los Angeles, years ago it was legal to cook in your bedroom, but not to sleep in your kitchen. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Los Angeles a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In the 1940's, California law made it illegal to serve alcohol to a gay person. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Riverside, California, kissing on the lips, unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water, is against the local health ordinance. (Someone needed to be kissed!) \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In San Francisco it's illegal to play poker in public or gamble in a barricaded room.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In San Francisco, it's illegal to beat a rug in front of your house. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is a violation of the California Alcoholic Beverage Control Act for producers of alcohol beverages to list the names of retailers or restaurants that sell their products in advertising or even in newsletters. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to eat an orange in your bath tub \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Lafayette: You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Lodi: It is illegal to own or sell \"Silly String\". \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Lompoc: It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Long Beach: Cars are the only item allowed in a garage; It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Los Angeles law forbids hunting moths under a street light.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Los Angeles: It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent; You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time; You may not hunt moths under a street light; It is illegal to cry on the witness stand; Toads may not be licked; It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church (Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison); Zoot suits are prohibited. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 No alcohol beverages can be displayed within five feet of a cash register of any store in California that sells both alcohol and motor fuel. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Oakland, Calif., makes it illegal to grow a tree in front of your neighbor's window and block his view. However, you're off the hook if the tree is one that town officials consider an attractive tree, such as a redwood or box elder.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Ontario: Roosters may not crow in the city limits. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Pacific Grove: Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Palm Springs: It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Pasadena: It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Persons classified as \"ugly\" may not walk down any street. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Prunedale: Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Redlands: Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Riverside: One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 San Diego: It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar; The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 San Francisco has an ordinance prohibiting \"cane games.\" City officials have no idea what cane games are. But when revising city laws recently, officials decided to keep the prohibition on the books, in case someday, somehow, cane games came back, they were deemed improper and the city needed the law. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances guaranteeing sunshine to the masses.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 San Francisco: Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash; It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear; Persons classified as \"ugly\" may not walk down any street; It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner; Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 San Francisco bans any \"mechanical device that reproduces obscene language.\"\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 San Francisco prohibits kerchoo powders and stink balls. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 San Jose: It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595 \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Santa Monica: You may not play percussion instruments on the beach. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Temecula: Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name \"San Francisco.\" It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The Santa Monica, Calif., City Council recently proposed that men be allowed to use women's public restrooms when there's a line of three or more at the mens' room, and vice versa. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Women may not drive in a house coat.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14586,
"title": "Cra-Z Laws: Calfornia *special Jumbo Pack*"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a drive-by shooting in Chinatown?\r\nA cappuchino.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14587,
"title": "Drive-by"
},
{
"body": "Colorado\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Colorado law requires that wine be sold in containers of at least 24 ounces and spirits in containers at least a fifth of a gallon. But, at the same time, it also decrees that no alcohol beverage can be stored in hotel minibars in anything larger than miniature containers.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Colorado Springs: It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Crippe Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park; It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor; It is illegal to mistreat rats; You may not drive a black car on Sundays. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Durango: It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes \"unbecoming\" on one's sex. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Have you ever had the urge to rip the tag from a pillow or mattress, despite the warning of dire penalties? Well, it's perfectly legal now, if you live in Colorado. The Governor formalized the law by gleefully tearing a label from a pillow at his office. \"I've been worrying about the mattress inspector jumping through the window for years,\" he said.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Colorado it's now legal to remove the furniture tags that say, \"Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law.\" \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Denver, Colorado it is illegal for Barber's to give massages to nude customers unless it is for instructional purposes. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Denver, it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next door neighbor.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is against the law in Pueblo, Colorado, to raise or permit a dandelion to grow within the city limits.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for a woman wearing a red dress to be out on the streets after 7 PM.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Logan County: It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Pueblo: It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Sterling: Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14588,
"title": "Cra-Z Laws:Colorado"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so stupid, when you asked her for an evening gown, she came back with a night dress!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14590,
"title": "Stupid Dress"
},
{
"body": "How many snobby girls does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nAll of them, they try, break a nail, and come crying home.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 14591,
"title": "Snobby Lightbulbs"
},
{
"body": "Due to high demmand, I will not maker you wait for all 50 states to come out, instead, here is ALL OF THE 51 states of laws.\r\n\r\n\r\nAlabama\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A 1950 anti-obscenity law in Irondale, Ala., prohibited any showing of anyone nude or \"in a substantially nude state\" except a babe in arms. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 An ordinance in Linden, Ala., provided that all women of \"uncertain chastity\" had to be off the streets by 9 p.m. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Children of incestuous couples are deemed legitimate. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Hunting is not allowed on Sunday.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Incestuous marriages are legal.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to stab yourself to gain someone's pity.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is legal to drive the wrong way on a one way street if you have a lantern on the front of your car.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's against the law for a man to seduce \"a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage.\"\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Jasper: It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Lee County: It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Masks may not be worn in public\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Mobile: It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits. It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Montgomery: It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 No persons may sell \"blow-out nuts\". \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Peanuts are not allowed to be sold in Lee County, Alabama after sunset on Wednesdays. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Pool halls may not be operated between 11:30 PM and 6 AM. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Slavery is still legal in Decatur, Alabama.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The game of crackaloo is illegal in Fairfield, Ala. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may not drive barefooted. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You must have windshield wipers on your car. \r\n\r\nAlaska\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A law in Fairbanks does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Even though it is legal to hunt a bear, it is illegal to wake a bear and take a picture for photo opportunities.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Fairbanks: It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone's ear while they are moose hunting.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Moose may not be viewed from an airplane. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 State policy states that emergencies are held to a minimum and rarely found to exist. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited. \r\n \r\n\r\nArizona\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony (This goes back in the days of the Wild West). \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Due to a typographical error in the Tempe, Ariz., code, a shooting range can be run by the \"Amateur Crapshooting Association.\" \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Glendale: Cars may not be driven in reverse. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Hayden: If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Hunting camels is prohibited. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In 1985, an Arizona legislator proposed that each candidate for the legislature take a reading and an I.Q. test three months before the election. The scores would have been posted on the ballot, had the bill passed. But a majority of legislators, for whatever reason, voted it down. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Arizona it is illegal to take naked photographs before noon on Sunday.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Maricopa County: No more than six girls may live in any house. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Mesa: It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Mohave County: A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Nogales: An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Oral sex is considered to be sodomy.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Prescott: No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Tucson: Women may not wear pants.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may not have more than two dildos in a house. \r\n\r\nArkansas\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 An Arkansas legislator not long ago proposed that the state provide growth hormones to dwarfs. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Arkansas must be pronounced \"Arkansaw\" \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 At Arkansas State University two people cannot hold hands while standing in a doorway unless they belong to a union. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Fayetteville: It is illegal to kill \"any living creature\". \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Flirtation between the members of the opposite sex on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Arkansas it is illegal to buy or sell blue lightbulbs.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas in that state.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Little Rock: Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.; Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term; It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday; No person shall sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Oral sex is considered to be sodomy. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. \r\n \r\n\r\nCalifornia\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Alhambra: You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Arcadia: Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A server in California can be convicted of selling to a minor if the purchaser uses a false or altered ID to buy the alcohol. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Bathhouses are against the law. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Belvedere City Council order reads: \"No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.\" \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds; Carmel Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor); Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 California only fairly recently legalized the sale of alcoholic beverages in nudist colonies.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Car wash attendants in San Francisco, California may not use old pairs of underware to wash or dry vehicles. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Chico: Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Downey: It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995). \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In 1838, the city of Los Angeles passed an ordinance requiring that a man obtain a license before serenading a woman.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Berkeley, Calif., you can't whistle for an escaped bird before 7 a.m. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In California, community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In California it is illegal to have caller ID \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In California it's against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In California you may not set a mouse trap without a hunting license.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Los Angeles, years ago it was legal to cook in your bedroom, but not to sleep in your kitchen. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Los Angeles a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In the 1940's, California law made it illegal to serve alcohol to a gay person. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Riverside, California, kissing on the lips, unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water, is against the local health ordinance. (Someone needed to be kissed!) \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In San Francisco it's illegal to play poker in public or gamble in a barricaded room.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In San Francisco, it's illegal to beat a rug in front of your house. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is a violation of the California Alcoholic Beverage Control Act for producers of alcohol beverages to list the names of retailers or restaurants that sell their products in advertising or even in newsletters. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to eat an orange in your bath tub \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Lafayette: You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Lodi: It is illegal to own or sell \"Silly String\". \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Lompoc: It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Long Beach: Cars are the only item allowed in a garage; It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Los Angeles law forbids hunting moths under a street light.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Los Angeles: It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent; You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time; You may not hunt moths under a street light; It is illegal to cry on the witness stand; Toads may not be licked; It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church (Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison); Zoot suits are prohibited. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 No alcohol beverages can be displayed within five feet of a cash register of any store in California that sells both alcohol and motor fuel. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Oakland, Calif., makes it illegal to grow a tree in front of your neighbor's window and block his view. However, you're off the hook if the tree is one that town officials consider an attractive tree, such as a redwood or box elder.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Ontario: Roosters may not crow in the city limits. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Pacific Grove: Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Palm Springs: It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Pasadena: It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Persons classified as \"ugly\" may not walk down any street. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Prunedale: Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Redlands: Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Riverside: One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 San Diego: It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar; The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 San Francisco has an ordinance prohibiting \"cane games.\" City officials have no idea what cane games are. But when revising city laws recently, officials decided to keep the prohibition on the books, in case someday, somehow, cane games came back, they were deemed improper and the city needed the law. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances guaranteeing sunshine to the masses.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 San Francisco: Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash; It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear; Persons classified as \"ugly\" may not walk down any street; It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner; Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 San Francisco bans any \"mechanical device that reproduces obscene language.\"\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 San Francisco prohibits kerchoo powders and stink balls. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 San Jose: It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595 \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Santa Monica: You may not play percussion instruments on the beach. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Temecula: Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name \"San Francisco.\" It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The Santa Monica, Calif., City Council recently proposed that men be allowed to use women's public restrooms when there's a line of three or more at the mens' room, and vice versa. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Women may not drive in a house coat.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca. \r\n\r\nColorado\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Colorado law requires that wine be sold in containers of at least 24 ounces and spirits in containers at least a fifth of a gallon. But, at the same time, it also decrees that no alcohol beverage can be stored in hotel minibars in anything larger than miniature containers.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Colorado Springs: It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Crippe Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park; It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor; It is illegal to mistreat rats; You may not drive a black car on Sundays. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Durango: It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes \"unbecoming\" on one's sex. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Have you ever had the urge to rip the tag from a pillow or mattress, despite the warning of dire penalties? Well, it's perfectly legal now, if you live in Colorado. The Governor formalized the law by gleefully tearing a label from a pillow at his office. \"I've been worrying about the mattress inspector jumping through the window for years,\" he said.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Colorado it's now legal to remove the furniture tags that say, \"Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law.\" \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Denver, Colorado it is illegal for Barber's to give massages to nude customers unless it is for instructional purposes. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Denver, it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next door neighbor.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is against the law in Pueblo, Colorado, to raise or permit a dandelion to grow within the city limits.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep in Logan County, Colorado.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for a woman wearing a red dress to be out on the streets after 7 PM.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Logan County: It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Pueblo: It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Sterling: Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses. \r\n\r\nConnecticut\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A local ordinance in Atwoodville, Connecticut prohibits people from playing Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A pickle is not officially a pickle unless it bounces\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Balloons with advertising on them are illegal in Hartford, Conn. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Bloomfield, Conn: It's against the law to eat in your car. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Cattle branding in the United States did not originate in the West. It began in Connecticut in the mid-nineteenth century, when farmers were required by law to mark all their pigs.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Devon: It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Druggists in Connecticut must pay $400.00 each year for a license in order to use alcohol in compounding prescriptions.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Guilford: Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Hartford: You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In colonial times, Hartford, Conn., had an ordinance that allowed any resident to rent the town chain for 2 pence. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Connecticut any dogs with tattoos must be reported to the police.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Connecticut it is illegal to pirouette while crossing the street\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Hartford, Conn., it's illegal to plant a tree in the street. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Simsbury, Conn., it's illegal for a politician to campaign at the town dump. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's illegal to clam at night in Connecticut. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 New Britain: It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Southington: Silly string is banned. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Strangers in Simsbury, Conn., were required, under an ordinance enacted in 1701 and only recently repealed, to leave town within a month unless they had at least 20 shillings to their names.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 This state still retains an old law forbidding any kind of \"private sexual behavior between consenting adults.\"\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Under the Code of 1650 in the New Haven Colony (in what is now Connecticut), a 16-year-old boy could be put to death if he \"cursed, struck or disobeyed\" his parents or was \"stubborn or rebellious.\" \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Waterbury: It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may not educate dogs. \r\n\r\nDelaware\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Delaware prohibits horse racing of any kind on Good Friday and Easter Sunday.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Delaware it is illegal to get married on a dare.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Delaware you may not sell dead people for money without a license.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Lewes: It is illegal to wear pants that are \"firm fitting\" around the waist; Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment. \r\n\r\nD.C.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A D.C. federal judge has ruled that begging is a form of free speech protected by the Constitution. That means that mugging is free speech too, only more persuasive. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Washington D.C. it is illegal to post a notice in public which calls another person a 'coward' for refusing to accept a challenge to duel. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is unlawful for small boys to throw stones, at any time, at any place in the District of Columbia. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The U.S. government says it's a crime to give false weather reports. \r\n\r\nFlorida\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 (SARASOTA) It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Apparently with an exaggerated idea of the laws of thermal dynamics, the city council of West Palm Beach, Fla., once decreed that the roofs of all outhouses be fireproof.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Big Pine Key: It is illegal to molest a Key deer; If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Cape Coral: It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline; It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street (This law is limited to only those who do not own the house) \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Daytona Beach: The molestation of trash cans is banned; While intoxicated, being under influence of narcotics is prohibited; It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired; \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Don't plan on using any of the celebratory Champagne bottle sizes known as Methuselahs, Salamanazars, Balthazars or Nebuchadnezzars. These very traditional Champagne bottle sizes are all illegal in Florida. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Florida deals with its prostitution problem by giving prostitutes spending money, a five-year banishment, and a bus ticket out of town.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Florida law forbids rats to leave the ships docked in Tampa Bay.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Florida prohibits topless walking or running within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Hialeah: Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Florida failure to tell your neighbor his house is on fire is illegal.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Florida it is illegal to fish while driving across a bridge.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Florida, a special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Florida, men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Miami, Florida it is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Miami Shores Village, Fla., has for years required that all goods made in Communist countries and offered for sale in Miami Shores Village be clearly marked as such. The ordinance notes that such goods are often marked in a \"false, misleading or inadequate manner, to hide their Communist origins.\" \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Sarasota it is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Saratoga, Florida it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is considered an offense to shower naked. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00pm on a Thursday. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to skateboard without a license. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's against a Key West, Fla., ordinance to spit on a church floor. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's illegal in Florida for an unmarried man and woman to live together in \"open and gross lewdness.\" Connecticut once had a similar law, but only the woman was penalized.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Key West: Chickens are considered a 'protected species'. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Miami: It is illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown; No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Oral sex is illegal.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Pensacola: Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person; It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel; A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Pinecrest: In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Sanford Stage: Nudity is banned, with the exception of \"bona fide\" theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Sarasota: If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00; You may not catch crabs. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Tampa Bay: It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Under a 1959 ordinance, stubborn children were considered vagrants in Jupiter Inlet Colony, Fla. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 When having sex, only the missionary position is legal. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Women can be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer. The salon owner can also be fined for this horrible crime.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may not kiss your wife's breasts. \r\n\r\nGeorgia\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Acworth: All citizens must own a rake.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 An old law in Columbus, Ga., made it illegal to sit on your porch in an indecent position.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A Kennesaw, Ga. law makes it illegal for every homeowner not to own a gun, unless you are a convicted felon, conscientious objector or disabled. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Atlanta: Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp; One man may not be on another man's back. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Columbus: Can't cut off a chicken's head on Sunday; It is illegal to carry a chicken by it's feet down Broadway on Sunday. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Gainesville: Chicken must be eaten with the hands.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Georgia has 75 laws on how to build rice paddies, even though the state has only one rice farm left. Rice was the state's No. 1 crop before the Civil War. But right after the war, a hurricane destroyed all the paddies and ponds. It was too expensive to replace them without slaves, so the Rice State began growing peaches, peanuts and other crops. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Georgia officials were revising their state laws in 1981, and noticed they still allowed pensions for Confederate widows. That week the last widow died. Lawmakers bowed their heads, and deleted the law. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Atlanta, Georgia, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Columbus, Georgia it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent position.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Georgia, movie houses that want to show films on Sunday must reserve one showing a month for religious material. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal in Georgia to use profanity in the presence of a corpse. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Quitman, It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless the shades are down.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to say \"Oh, Boy\" in Jonesboro.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to take a bath of orange peel.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It used to be against the law in Jonesboro, Ga., to utter the words, \"Oh boy.\" \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Jonesboro: It is illegal to say \"Oh, Boy\" \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Kennesaw: Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Marietta: Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 One man may not be on another man's back. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Signs are required to be written in English. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 St. Mary's: No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by \"fighting\" words. \r\n\r\nHawaii\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Honolulu: Within the limits of any public park, it is unlawful to annoy any bird.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Hawaii it is illegal to get a tattoo behind your ear or on your eyelid unless in the presence of a registered physician. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It used to be the law in Hawaii that children had to obey all \"lawful and moral\" commands of their parents.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's illegal for a shooting gallery to offer liquor as a prize. The shooter might want to come back after drinking the prize and try again.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You will be fined if you do not own a boat. \r\n\r\nIdaho\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Boise: Residents may not fish from a giraffe's back. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Coeur d' Alene: If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Idaho Falls, Idaho: If you're 88 years of age or older, it's illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Idaho and other states allow members of the Native American church to use the hallucinogenic plant peyote in religious services. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Idaho walking along the street with a red-tipped cane is strictly prohibited. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Idaho, a citizen is forbidden by law to give another citizen a box of candy that weighs more than 50 pounds. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that \"The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view.\"\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's illegal to hunt from the back of an anima.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Non-married couples in Idaho who engage in sexual intercourse can be jailed for up to six months \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Pocatello: A law passed in 1912 provided that \"The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless some are exhibited to public view\"; A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The town of Idaho Falls, Idaho, forbids anyone over the age of eighty-eight to ride a motorcycle. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may not fish on a camel's back. \r\n\r\nIllinois\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 \"Dwarf-tossing,\" the strange practice of hurling dwarfs in padded suits, is outlawed in the bars of Springfield, Ill., because it's dangerous and exploitative. The practice is apparently allowed elsewhere in town, with a special permit.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A law from the early 1900's prohibits men from going topless on the Boardwalk. (Repealed)\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is \"American\".\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 An Illinois state law requires that a man's female companion shall call him \"master\" while out on a date. The law does not apply to married couples. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Champaign: One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Chicago: Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire; It is illegal to give a dog whiskey; Kites may not be flown within the city limits; Spitting is forbidden \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Cicero: Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Crete: It is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with one's dog; Cars may not be driven through the town. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Des Plaines: Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Eureka: A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Evanston: Bowling is forbidden; It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween; It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Fairfield: It is unlawful for \"Negroes\" to be within county boundaries from sundown to sunrise. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Freeport: It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Galesburg: There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Homer: It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 If the Rushville, Ill., city council doesn't have a quorum, those sent can have the cops go out and arrest absent members and bring them to the meeting. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Illinois it is illegal for barbers to use their fingers to apply shaving cream to a customer's face. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Illinois, it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Chicago it is also illegal to take a French poodle to the opera, and for women over 200 pounds (90 kilos) to ride horses in shorts. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Chicago, Illinois, it is illegal to fish in pajamas. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or \"otherwise an unsightly or disgusting object\" are banned from going out in public. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Minoola, Ill., it's illegal to take your clothes off and \"expose the naked \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of Urbana, Illinois. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with one's dog.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to give a dog whiskey. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's not clear what this has done to the bar business, but a law in Chicago, Ill., makes it illegal to serve liquor to the feeble-minded. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Joliet: Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town's name mispronounced 'Jolly-ETTE' when all local folk know it's pronounced 'Joe-lee-ETTE', made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Kenilworth: A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow; Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Kirkland: Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kirkland's streets.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Moline: Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited; There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Morton Grove: You may not own a handgun \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Normal: It is against the law to make faces at dogs. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Orland Park: No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Ottawa: Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Park Ridge: Trucks may only park inside closed garages. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Peoria: Basketball hoops may not be installed on a driveway. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Pullman: It is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb; It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck; It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The English language is not to be spoken. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Take some elocution lessons if you're going to Joliet, Ill., where it's against the law to mispronounce the city's name. Offenders can be fined up to $500. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The people in Manteno, Ill., do not want used facial tissue, period. Hence, you cannot \"throw, drop or place\" a used hankie \"upon any public way or public place or upon the floor of any convenience or upon the floor of any theater, hall or assembly or public building or upon the surface or any lot or parcel of ground or on the roof on any building or in any light or air shaft, court or areaway.\" \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Under a 1872 law still on the books, an alderman in Chicago can carry a gun. Some do. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of \"eavesdropping\" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of \"eavesdropping\" on your own conversation.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Zion: It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals. \r\n\r\nIndiana\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 \"Spiteful Gossip\" and \"talking behind a person's back\" are illegal. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A man over the age of 18 may be arrested for statutory rape if the passenger in his car is not wearing her socks and shoes, and is under the age of 17. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b) \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A sports agent is supposed to give a college 10 days notice before luring a star athlete into the professional ranks. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Auburn: It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offenses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a 25 dollar fine and the trial costs. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Bathing is prohibited during the winter. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Beech Grove: It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Citizens are not allowed to attend a cinema or theatre nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Drinks on the house are illegal. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Due to a typographical error, a routine ordinance in Shelbyville, Ind., about charging for bad checks started out: \"Whereas, the city of Shelbyville through its various governmental fascists receives numerous checks...\" This was changed to \"governmental facets.\"\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Elkhart: It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Evansville: While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Fort Wayne: You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record \"It's In the Book\". \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Gary: Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Certain Immoral Practices. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Indiana it is illegal to sell laughing gas with the intent to induce laughter. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In South Bend, Indiana, it is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is against the law to pass a horse on the street.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal in Elkhart, Indiana, for a barber to threaten to cut off a youngster's ears. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Liquor stores may not sell milk. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Men are prohibited from standing in a bar. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 No one may catch a fish with his bare hands. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 One man may not back into a parking spot because it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Oral sex is illegal. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 South Bend: It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Taxpayers of Bainbridge, Ind., used to have to swear a solemn oath that the values they placed on their taxable property were the fair market values. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Terre Haute: No one may spit on the sidewalk.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table; the waiter or waitress has to do it. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You are required to pour your drink into a glass. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her. \r\n\r\nIowa\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 An owner or employee of an establishment in Iowa that sells alcohol can't legally consume a drink there after closing for business. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Don't plan on running a \"tab\" in Iowa; it's illegal. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 If a law enforcement officer is having a drink in a bar in Iowa and an employee pours water down the drain, the water is legally considered an alcohol beverage intended for unlawful purposes. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Dubuque any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Fort Madison the fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Marshalltown horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Ottumwa, Iowa, \"It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unaquainted.\"\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Indianola: The \"Ice Cream Man\" and his truck are banned. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to hunt from an aircraft. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to accept a gratuity or tip in Iowa. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 One-armed piano players must perform for free. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Ottumwa: Within the city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Riverboat gamblers in Iowa have a $5 maximum bet. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The Iowa Legislature once passed a resolution ordering the state cafeteria to start serving cornbread. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may shoot Native Americans if there are more than five of them on your property at any one time. \r\n \r\n\r\nKansas\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Dodge City: It is illegal to spit on a sidewalk. All places of business must provide a horse water troft \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Kansas City, KS, saying the name \"George Washington\" without adding the phrase \"blessed be his name,\" can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Topeka, Kansas, servers are forbidden to serve wine in teacups. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Wichita, at the intersection of Douglas and Broadway, all motorists are required to stop at the intersection, exit their vehicles, and fire three shotgun rounds, before continuing on their way. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to catch bullfrogs in a tomato patch. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to hunt whales.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to put ice cream on cherry pie in Kansas. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Lawrence: All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival. No one may wear a bee in their hat. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Russell: Musical car horns are banned \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Salina: It is against the law to leave your car running unattended. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Topeka: The installation of bathtubs is prohibited. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Wichita: Before proceeding through the intersection of Douglas and Broadway, a motorist is required to get out of their vehicle and fire three shot gun rounds into the air. Any person caught using or carrying bean snappers or the like shall upon conviction, be fined. -City ordinance 349 of Wichita, Kansas. \r\n\r\nKentucky\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A person can be sent to jail for five years for merely sending a bottle of beer, wine or spirits as a gift to a friend in Kentucky.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 An ordinance in Murray, Ky., says the superintendent of sanitation \"shall determine whether a person is small, medium or large.\" Why the superintendent should make this determination is left unsaid. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A Kentucky statute says: \"No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she is escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club.\" Later, an amendment proposed: \"The provisions of this statute shall not apply to any female weighing less than sixty pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds; nor shall it apply to female horses.\"\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 All nude people in your house must be registered in Kentucky.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. \"No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club\". The following important ammendment however is to be considered here: \"The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Any person who appears on any highway, or upon the street of any city that has no police protection, when clothed only in ordinary bathing garb, shall be fined no less than five dollars nor more than twenty-five dollars.\" - KRS 436.140 \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Any person who displays, handles or uses any kind of reptile in connection with any religious service or gathering shall be fined not less than fifty dollars ($50) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100). -KRS 437.060 (Passed 1942, from Ky. Stat. sec. 1267a-1.). \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 By law, anyone who has been drinking is \"sober\" until he or she \"cannot hold onto the ground\". \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Each year, the mayor of Danville, Ky., must appoint \"three intelligent housekeepers\" to the Board of Tax Supervisors. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Danville, Ky., it's illegal to throw slops or soapsuds in the street. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Kentucky, according to an old law, it's illegal to use any kind of reptile in a religious service. It's not certain if the law would withstand First Amendment scrutiny today. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Kentucky every citizen of is required to take a shower once a year.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Kentucky you need a license to walk around nude on your property. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal in Kentucky to marry the same man more than 3 times.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to shoot game out of the window of a moving vehicle, with the exception of a whale\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's illegal to fish in the Ohio River in Kentucky without an Indiana Fishing License. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Lexington: It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. By law, anyone who has been drinking is \"sober\" until he or she \"cannot hold onto the ground.\" \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 No person owning or controlling a billiard or pool table shall permit, for compensation or reward, any minor under eighteen (18) years of age to play any game on the table, unless such minor shall have first displayed an identification card containing his name, age, photograph, and the signature of his parents or guardian. The minor shall keep such identification card on his person, and it shall be subject to inspection at any time by any peace officer. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall keep and maintain a registration book in which each minor shall sign. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall supply a blank identification card to each parent or guardian who makes request for same. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than ten ($10) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100) for each offense. -KRS 436.320 (Passed 1893; Amended in 1954, Ky. Acts ch. 232, sec. 1) \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 No person shall sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange, display or possess living baby chicks, ducklings, or other fowl or rabbits which have been dyed or colored; nor dye or color any baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits; nor sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange or to give away baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits, under two months of age in any quantity less than six, except that any rabbit weighing three pounds or more may be sold at an age of six weeks. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than $100 nor more than $500. -KRS 436.600 (Passed 1966 Ky. Acts ch. 215, sec. 5.) \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Owensboro: A woman may not buy a hat without her husband's permission. One may not receive anal sex.\r\nAll bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease. -KRS 252.130 (Passed in 1922; Repealed in 1948) \r\n\r\nLouisiana\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Biting someone with your natural teeth is \"simple assault\", while biting someone with your false teeth is \"aggravated assault\". \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Communism has been against the law in Haines City, La., since 1950. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 If you've ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, you'll see the kings and queens on the various floats throwing plastic money, medallions and jewels to the crowd, but not food. It's against the law to throw food from a float in the Mardi Gras festivities. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is against state law to steal even a single crawfish. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to gargle in public places. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is illegal in Lafayette, Louisiana to play a musical instrument for the purpose of attracting attention, without a license.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's legal to walk down the street with a drink in New Orleans, even to drive with a drink. But if you fall over and block the sidewalk, you've just broken the law.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Louisiana law prohibits couples who are shopping for a new bed from putting it to the \"ultimate test\"-- in other words, from trying it out by making love on it, or even simulating this activity. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 New Orleans: You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Rituals that involve the ingestion of blood, urine, or fecal matter are not allowed. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant. \r\n\r\nMaine\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Augusta to stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's illegal to clean salmon along Maine's upper Kennebec River. Enforcement of this law has been made easier for many years by the fact that, because of a dam, there are no salmon on the upper Kennebec River. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Maine, it is illegal to sell a car on Sunday unless it comes equipped with plumbing.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Maine it's illegal to catch lobsters with your bare hands. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Portland shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Waterville, Maine, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's unlawful to tickle a woman's chin with a feather duster in Portland.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may not step out of a plane in flight. \r\n\r\nMaryland\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Baltimore City: Though you may spit on a city roadway, spitting on city sidewalks is prohibited. You may not curse inside the city limits. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Baltimore: It's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's illegal to take a lion to the movies. It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. $10 fine. This would include joggers that go shirtless. (1898) -Park Rule 6 It is a violation of city code to sell chicks or ducklings to a minor within 1 week of the Easter holiday. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Baltimore has regulations governing the disposal of hog's heads, pet droppings and oyster shells. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Columbia: You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish. Though clotheslines are banned, clothes may be draped over a fence. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Gypsies should steer clear of Caroline County, Md., where it's a $100 fine or six months in the can for \"forecasting or pretending to foretell the future.\" \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Baltimore it's illegal to block the sidewalk with a box. But the offense only carries a $1 fine. Another law makes it illegal to throw bale of hay (or of anything else) out a second-story window. That gets you a $20 fine. \r\nIn Baltimore it's illegal to play professional croquet before 2 p.m. Sunday. The law also applies to professional quoits.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Baltimore it is illegal to mistreat oysters. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Baltimore, it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks no matter how dirty they get.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Baltimore, Maryland, it is not legal to take a lion to the movies. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Halethrope, Maryland kisses longer than one second are illegal. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husband's pockets while he is sleeping.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Maryland, men may not buy drinks for female bartenders. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only \"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.\" \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In Maryland, the legislature once proposed a board of parachute examiners to be made up of five licensed parachute instructors who would test and license all other parachute instructors. The plan had been abandoned when it was learned there were only three licensed parachute instructors in the state. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 In the entire state of Maryland, it is illegal to give or recieve oral sex. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It is a violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. $10 fine.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Maryland now requires that alcohol beverage writers be certified as experts by an agency of the state before they can receive product samples, which it limits to three bottles per brand. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Ocean City: A law from the early 1900's prohibits men from going topless on the Boardwalk. Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Thistles may not grow in one's yard. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25' satellite dish. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You cannot swear while inside the city limits of Baltimore. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You cannot throw a bail of hay out of a second story window in Annapolis.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 You may not curse inside the city limits. \r\n\r\nMassachusetts\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A Boston mayor who disliked dancing and liked to retire early once banned midnight dancing in the Hub City. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 A woman can not be on top in sexual activities. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Alcoholic drink specials are illegal. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Boston: It is illegal to play the fiddle. Two people may not kiss in front of a church. No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city. No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears. Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except o Sundays. It is illegal to eat peanuts in church. An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday. Duels to the death permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present. Women may not wear heels over 3 inches in length while on the common. No one may take a bath without a prescription. It is illegal for any citizen to own more than three dogs. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Both Massachusetts and New Hampshire had old laws that penalized gamblers who lost money. You'd get fined in Massachusetts if you had any money left. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Bullets may not be used as currency. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Burlington: You may not walk around with a \"drink\". \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Cambridge: It is illegal to shake carpets in the street, or to throw orange peels on the sidewalk. It costs $50 extra for a permit for hurling, soccer or Gaelic football games in a public park on a Sunday. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Defacing a milk carton is punishable by a $10 fine. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Hingham: You may not have colored lights on your house if it can be seen from Main Street. Only white lights may be visible. If you live on Main Street and want to paint your house, the colors must be approved by the historical society. \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 Hopkinton: Though horses and cows are allo",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14592,
"title": "Cra-Z Laws X-treme!"
},
{
"body": "What's a bunny's favorite type of dance?\r\n\r\nHip Hop!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14593,
"title": "The Hip Bunny"
},
{
"body": "Where do whales go to get their teeth checked?\r\n\r\nTo the orcadontis!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14594,
"title": "Whale's Teeth"
},
{
"body": "Why was Johnny's math book sad?\r\nIt had too many problems!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14595,
"title": "Sad Book"
},
{
"body": "One day after a birthday party at the jumper house, a young blond told her mother:\r\n\r\nMommy, Mommy, I'm soooooo generous! When I was about to go into the jumpers, I found so many shoes and took them to the lost and found! Aren't I soooooo generous?",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14596,
"title": "Nice Blond"
},
{
"body": "Hey this is not a joke. Just submit a full smiley just for the heck of it. Wouldn't it be weird if the top joke wasn't even a joke? So please, just give it a full smiley.\r\n\r\n\r\nIf you think this is just stupid, then, please give this crap a zero smiley.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14597,
"title": "Just Click Here"
},
{
"body": "Joe: What are you doing?\r\n\r\nJohn: Taxes.\r\n\r\nJoe: Why?\r\n\r\nJohn: Because I have to......\r\n\r\nJoe: That's stupid. I did mine over a year ago.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14598,
"title": "Taxes"
},
{
"body": "A guy was walking around town with a frog growing out of his head. Another man walks up to him and ask him, \"What happened to you?\"\r\n\r\nThe frog answered, \"Well, it started as a wart on my ass.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14599,
"title": "Froggy Make A Funny"
},
{
"body": "A little boy walks into his parents' room and sees his parents having sex. \"And you smack me for sucking on my thumb, Mommy?!?\", the boy exclaims.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA little boy asks his mom where babies come from. \"Well from the stork,\" Mom replies. \"So then who fucks the stork?\", The kid asks.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14601,
"title": "Disturbed Kids"
},
{
"body": "Knock- Knock\r\n\r\nWho's There?\r\n\r\nKenya\r\n\r\nKenya Who?\r\n\r\nKenya eat me out?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 14602,
"title": "Kenya"
},
{
"body": "Bob: I'm going to go ride my spaceship.\r\n\r\nJack: What's a spaceship?\r\n\r\nBob: Dunno, I'll go invent it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14603,
"title": "How the Spaceship was Invented"
},
{
"body": "A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience.\r\n \r\nThe man said, \"Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew.\"\r\n \r\n\"Really?\" said the ringmaster. \"Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?\"\r\n \r\n\"Yes he did,\" the man replied.\r\n \r\n\"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?\"\r\n \r\n\"Yes he did,\" the man replied.\r\n \r\n\"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?\"\r\n \r\n\"Just once,\" the man replied.\r\n \r\nThe ringmaster asked, \"Why only once?\"\r\n \r\nThe man said, \"I was looking for my father.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14604,
"title": "Looking For Daddy"
},
{
"body": "Johnny comes back from school crying and says, \"Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head.\" \r\nHis mother replies, \"No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 14608,
"title": "Johnny...With A Big Head"
},
{
"body": "A man goes into a pet shop looking for an exotic pet. The owner tells the man, \"we have iguanas...\". The Man says, \"No, I am looking for something really different. Everyone has iguanas, snakes, fish, and spiders!\" The owner of the shop then tells the man that he has a talking centipede. The man gets excited; and says, \"I'll take it!\"\r\n On the way home, the man tries to make small talk with the centipede; but he gets no response. He just figures the thing is shy. Once they get home, the man has an idea; and asks the centipede if he wants to go to the bar with him. No response. He gets agitated and taps the centipede's box pretty hard. \"I said; Do you want to go to the bar with me?!?!\" \r\n After a couple of seconds, the centipede yells, \"Hold on! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!!!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14611,
"title": "The Centipede"
},
{
"body": "Two jackrabbits are running from a pack of coyotes they manage to hide under a cactus. One says to the other:\r\n\r\n\"Should we run for it, or wait till we outnumber 'em?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14612,
"title": "Two Jackrabbits"
},
{
"body": "A lovely young lady named Kim\r\nWent down to the river to swim\r\nA man in a punt\r\nStuck an oar in her eye\r\nAnd now she has to wear glasses.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14613,
"title": "Limerick"
},
{
"body": "A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.\r\n\r\n\"An' wot's this then?\" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.\r\n\r\n\"You dumb dog.\" As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.\r\n\r\nThe scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best ground beef. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.\r\n\r\nThe dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.\r\n\r\n\"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?\"\r\n\r\nAgain, the dog growls menacingly. \"Alright, alright,\" as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.\r\n\r\nThe butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.\r\n\r\n\"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there,\" comments the butcher.\r\n\r\n\"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14614,
"title": "Dumb Dog"
},
{
"body": "10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.\r\n \r\n9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.\r\n \r\n8. Shows up at barn raisings in full 'KISS' makeup.\r\n \r\n7. When you criticize him, he yells, \"Thou sucketh.\"\r\n \r\n6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by \"Jeb Daddy.\"\r\n \r\n5. Defiantly says, \"If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap.\"\r\n \r\n4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.\r\n \r\n3. Uses slang expression, \"Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening.\"\r\n \r\n2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.\r\n \r\nAND THE #1 REASON YOU'LL KNOW YOUR TEENAGE AMISH SON IS IN TROUBLE IS:\r\n \r\n1. He's wearing his big black hat BACKWARDS!!!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 14615,
"title": "Amish"
},
{
"body": "A man into a whorehouse. Once in the room with the prostitute, he puts $50 on the table and drops his pants.\r\nThe hooker almost faints; the guy has a 18 inch cock.\r\nShe says, \"Hold on pal, I'll lick it, I'll suck it,\r\nbut you're not sticking that in me.\"\r\nThe man pulls up his pants, picks up his $50, and says, \"Screw that, I can do that myself!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14616,
"title": "Self Service"
},
{
"body": "How do you drown a blonde?\r\n\r\n\r\nPut a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14617,
"title": "Swimming Pool"
},
{
"body": "BlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlahBlah\r\nPAY ME LOTS MONEY\r\n\r\nSign for pain here______________________",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 14619,
"title": "How I See Lawyer Papers"
},
{
"body": "With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.\r\n\r\nThe husband replied to the audience, \"Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.\"\r\nThe minister inquired \"Trips to where?\"\r\n\"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.\"\r\nThe minister then said, \"What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary.\"\r\n\r\nPete: \"I'm going back to go get her.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14622,
"title": "50th Anniversery"
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, \"I gotta have you!\"\r\n \r\nHe backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her.\r\n \r\nHe knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.\r\n \r\nWhen he finished, he started putting his clothes back on when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door. He said, \"That was the best honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?\"\r\n \r\nHis wife replies, \"No, no. I'll be okay once I get the doorknob out of my ass.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14624,
"title": "Hot Couple"
},
{
"body": "A young boy asks his dad, \"What is the difference between confident and confidential?\"\r\n\r\nDad says, \"You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son; that's confidential!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14625,
"title": "Difference"
},
{
"body": "jkfsh",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14627,
"title": "My Favorite One Liners"
},
{
"body": "\"Did you hear that TGI Fridays is opening a new restaurant?\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"Yeah, it's called WTF Mondays.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14630,
"title": "TGI Friday's"
},
{
"body": "This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).\r\n\r\nThat night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.\r\n\r\nThe friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about \"normal\" tricks.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" they said, \"Let's try this out.\"\r\n\r\nOnce more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, \"Heel!\"\r\n\r\nQuick as you like, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14631,
"title": "Fun-damentalist"
},
{
"body": "Why did the blonde dance in front of the traffic light? \r\n\r\nBecause she thought she was in a disco.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14632,
"title": "Disco"
},
{
"body": "Girl: \"Have you ever been caught been wearing your mother's bra?\r\n\r\nBoy: \"No!\"\r\n\r\nGirl: \"So you have worn them but not been caught?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14635,
"title": "Bra"
},
{
"body": "Tech Support: \"All right. Now click 'OK'.\"\r\nCustomer: \"Click 'OK'?\"\r\nTech Support: \"Yes, click 'OK'.\"\r\nCustomer: \"Click 'OK'?\"\r\nTech Support: \"That's right. Click 'OK'.\"\r\nCustomer: \"So I click 'OK', right?\"\r\nTech Support: \"Right. Click 'OK'.\"\r\n\r\nPause.\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"I clicked 'Cancel'.\"\r\nTech Support: \"YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???\"\r\nCustomer: \"That's what I was supposed to do, right?\"\r\nTech Support: \"No, you were supposed to click 'OK'.\"\r\nCustomer: \"I thought you said to click 'Cancel'.\"\r\nTech Support: \"NO. I said to click 'OK'.\"\r\nCustomer: \"Oh.\"\r\nTech Support: \"Now we have to start over.\"\r\nCustomer: \"Why?\"\r\nTech Support: \"Because you clicked 'Cancel'.\"\r\nCustomer: \"Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?\"\r\nTech Support: \"No. Forget that. Let's start from the top.\"\r\nCustomer: \"Ok.\"\r\n\r\nI spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.\r\n\r\nTech Support: \"All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?\"\r\nCustomer: \"Yes.\"\r\nTech Support: \"Great. Now click 'OK'.\"\r\n\r\nPause.\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"I clicked 'Cancel'.\"\r\n\r\nAnd people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled \"BANG HEAD HERE.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 14636,
"title": "Bang Head Here"
},
{
"body": "The GOP Congress will re-introduce drilling for oil in the Arctic.\r\n\r\nRepublicans say the environmental effect is minimal; a study shows caribou do not make campaign contributions.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14640,
"title": "What's The Drill Here?"
},
{
"body": "Joe: Hey Frank, what do you call an Iraqi on a plane?\r\n\r\nFrank: Hmm, terrorist bomber? Hell on air? Death on two wings? \r\n\r\nJoe: No, a pilot you racist!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14641,
"title": "...on a Plane"
},
{
"body": "One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.\r\n\r\nOn the first Friday, the teacher asks, \"How many grains of sand are in the beach?\" Needless to say, no one could answer.\r\n\r\nThe following Friday, the teacher asks the class, \"How many stars are in the sky?\" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.\r\n\r\nSo Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, \"Here's this week's question,\" Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.\r\n\r\nThe teacher says, \"Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?\"\r\n\r\nImmediately, little Johnny stands up and says, \"Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14643,
"title": "Smartass Johnny"
},
{
"body": "A primary school teacher decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. \r\n\r\n\"Who knows what sound a cow makes?\" she asked. Cindy put her hand up and said \"Moooo!\" \r\n\r\n\"Very good\" replied the teacher,\"what sound do sheep make?\" \"Baaaa\" answered Jimmy. \r\n\r\nShe continued this for a while. Then she asked, \"What sound does a pig make?\" \r\n\r\nAll the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, \r\n\r\n\"Up against the wall you son of a bitch!!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14648,
"title": "Piggy"
},
{
"body": "Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream and hope that you might one day become a redneck? \r\n\r\nHave you always wanted to be a Bubba and know the freedom of the redneck life, but didn't know how? \r\n\r\nIs there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified executive image, just hollerin' to get out? \r\n\r\nYes, we are talking to YOU, Mister Suit and Tie!\r\n\r\nWell, now, Mister Corporate High-flyer, YOU can become the redneck you have always wanted to be! \r\n\r\n\r\nTOO GOOD TO BE TRUE? No! It's TRUE! \r\n\r\n\r\nPurchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco, several extra strength large garbage bags and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start! \r\n\r\n\r\nNow follow the 35 SIMPLE and EASY guidelines in our manual! \r\n\r\nREMEMBER. This transformation will not be easy! It requires courage and determination! When the going gets tough, just keep thinking of the freedom and the excitement of the Redneck life that waits for you! \r\n\r\nCaution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE during WORKING HOURS. The corporate environment is required. \r\n\r\nBefore you begin this exciting transformation, have a photograph taken of yourself as a well dressed yuppie executive. This is for comparison later! \r\n\r\nNow, follow the instructions carefully: \r\n\r\n1) We assume you are a dignified, impeccably-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black captoe leather shoes and silk business socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex. \r\n\r\nIf you are not dressed like this, or the equivalent, stop NOW and continue when you are. \r\n\r\nAs a successful executive you know that presentation is everything: perfect suit, shoes, hair, tie, car, home, teeth and briefcase. Well, it's the same with rednecks \u00e2\u0080\u0093 only in reverse. \r\n\r\nFIRST, untie and remove mirror-shined high-powered handmade executive shoes. Peel off fancy business socks. \r\n\r\nDO THIS NOW! This is NOT optional! \r\n\r\nBe warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you. Until now, you have been told \"The first thing people notice are your shoes!\" From now on, SHOES ARE YOUR ENEMY! \r\n\r\n(Note: This will work with all shoes worn by high-class executives and other professionals, including Johnston & Murphy wingtips and those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.) \r\n\r\n2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can. \r\n\r\n3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put those shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! \r\n\r\nYou will be STRONGLY tempted to put those fancy city shoes back on your feet - resist this! It will soon become natural. You will soon REFUSE to wear shoes - it sounds impossible, but it's true! Have courage! Persevere! \r\n\r\nIf you have trouble, don't hesitate to call our 800 emergency number. A bona fide trained Bubba coach will help you. \r\n\r\n4) The following is guaranteed to drag you off your corporate high horse in a hurry, and down into the redneck world! After this, you WON'T be able to get back on that corporate ladder! Trust us! \r\n\r\nPROP BARE FEET ON POLISHED OFFICE DESK, WITH SOLES FACING OPEN OFFICE DOOR. \r\n\r\nYes, you DID read this correctly! It will be a challenge to everything you have been in the past! But remember: the life of a Bubba is calling you! \r\n\r\nDo NOT remove bare feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office. \r\n\r\n5) Remove your monogrammed cufflinks and scratch the soles of your feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put the cufflinks back on. \r\n\r\n6) Use your classy silk made-in-France necktie to wipe nose. \r\n\r\n7) Use your silver tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put the tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt. \r\n\r\n8) Eat lunch with a knife only. Wipe the dirty knife on otherwise impeccable business suit. Remember, you must UNLEARN all your good \"businessman\" manners! Forget all those lessons you learned in your uppity prep school. Rednecks have a different code! \r\n\r\n9) Reach under your suit trouser leg and scratch. Scratch under arms. Scratch hard! Do this often. \r\n\r\n10) Open a can of beer. Drink very rapidly and then belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on your business suit. Discarded silk business socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile the empty cans on expensive office carpet. \r\n\r\n11) Shout with laughter for no reason. \r\n\r\nNote: Do NOT be concerned if you experience concern about your dignity. Your dignity will soon disappear! Do not worry! \r\n\r\n12) Place tobacco in your mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit. Brooks Brothers shoes may also serve as spittoon. \r\n\r\nNote: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! Return to garbage can when finished! See Step #3. \r\n\r\n13) Now it is time to get rid of all those other yuppie clothes you're wearing. This will be very difficult. Until now this has been your uniform! Not anymore! For you are now a redneck! \r\n\r\n14) Untie and remove your dapper, natty silk necktie. Neckties belong to the white-collar world you are leaving! What do you need a necktie for? You're a Bubba now! You're free! Drop it in the garbage. \r\n\r\n15) Now, take off all that extra useless stuff that hotshot businessmen wear: unfasten and remove your gold monogrammed cufflinks, pluck the pocket square from your suit, unfasten your tiepin, unbutton and pull out your suspenders. Drop ALL items in garbage can. \r\n\r\n16) Slide your Rolex off your wrist. Rednecks do NOT wear wristwatches of any kind! Throw it out NOW! You will keep looking at your wrist for a while, but soon you won't care what time it is. \r\n\r\n14) Now the suit: ultimate symbol of corporate success, but also an obstacle to bubbahood! Strip off that expensive tailored Italian business suit, the crisply starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss ALL items in the garbage can. Do NOT carefully fold that suit. Just dump it in the garbage. \r\n\r\nNote: Removal of that beautiful hand-tailored business suit will be TRAUMATIC for the uppity, high and mighty upper class businessman you have been until now. It is comparable to an operation. Be prepared for a shock to your system. \r\n\r\n15) Shred all the contents of your briefcase. Add the briefcase, your cell phone, Ipod and day-timer to the garbage can. \r\n\r\n16) Cut up all business and credit cards, without exception, and throw away your wallet. \r\n\r\n17) Cut up your Ivy League and and other prestigious college degree. Also, destroy all evidence of professional accomplishments and success. You will NOT need them! \r\n\r\n18) Put on overalls. Walk around in them to get used to your new look. Take pride in your redneck identity! \r\n\r\n19) Practice poor posture and sluggish walk. Let your jaw go slack. \r\n\r\n20) Cancel subscriptions to the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times. Have cable disconnected. \r\n\r\n21) If you have not already been fired, quit that high-paying prestigious white-collar job immediately and stop working altogether. Enjoy your new freedom!\r\n\r\nAlternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner. \r\n\r\n22) Now prepare yourself: Those nice white businessman teeth of yours will have to go. Have you seen a redneck's teeth? Make appointment with a dentist. Have the two front top teeth removed. Chip all other teeth and stain yellow with tobacco juice. A gap toothed grin will win many friends in your new life!\r\n\r\n23) We have more news for you: Your hair has to go as well. That thick head of carefully groomed, neatly parted executive hair just won't fit with the redneck world. Just think of the joys of the redneck world that await! Make appointment with a surgeon. Have all hair on the top of your head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back. Have a unibrow added. All your bubba friends will envy you! \r\n\r\n24) Shave ONLY twice a week using blunt razor. Be careful to leave a scraggly beard at ALL times. That clean-shaven look you have now goes well with a boardroom \u00e2\u0080\u0093 but not for a Bubba! \r\n\r\n25) Bathe ONLY twice a week. You're used to daily showers. Forget it. \r\n\r\n26) Begin an intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all \"NG\" endings from words - \"havin\" instead of \"having\". Learn to yelp and whoop and holler. \r\n\r\n27) Sell your Porsche. No redneck drives a fancy foreign car! \r\n\r\n28) Buy a used, rusty and very old pickup. \r\n\r\n29) Sell your condo. \r\n\r\n30) Sell all of your furniture. \r\n\r\n31) Sell all of your executive sports equipment. \r\n\r\n32) Start growing a beer gut. Yes, you MUST gain weight! Do NOT exercise at all while doing this. Eat large amounts of fatty foods. Add at least 40 pounds to your stomach. Say goodbye to that dapper, trim executive image and be free! \r\n\r\n33) Buy a dilapidated shack in backwoods and shotgun rack. \r\n\r\n34) Give or throw away ALL your remaining clothes: business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, and accessories, including that Burberry tuxedo and overcoat and those patent leather pumps you wore to corporate black tie events. NOTHING can be retained. The clothes of a wealthy executive will have no place in your new life! Bubbas DO NOT wear tuxedos! And that tux won't fit over your new beer gut! \r\n\r\n35) Sell your stocks, bonds and ALL OF YOUR FINANCIAL ASSSETS; give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will NOT need money. You are now officially below the poverty line and will remain there. \r\n\r\n36) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes. \r\n\r\n37) Find a wrecked car and leave it in front of your shack. \r\n\r\n38) Have your name changed legally from \"Mark\" or \"Andrew\" or \"Kevin\" to \"Cletus\" or \"Bubba\" or \"Jed\". \r\n\r\n39) Buy or find a hound-dog and sit with him on the porch of your shack with a gallon of whiskey.\r\n\r\n40) Now - have a photograph taken of yourself as a Bubba. Compare with earlier photograph! We are so sure you will be satisfied we will refund your money if you are not! \r\n\r\nCongratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming! \r\n\r\nSatisfaction Guaranteed! And no one will ever call you \"sir\" again!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14652,
"title": "From Yuppie Executive to Redneck in 40 Steps!"
},
{
"body": "A group of people were sitting and having coffee. Suddenly, a friend of the mathematician of the group boomed in and said, Did you hear that? A mathematician has developed a theorem which says that every odd number higher than 2 is a prime. So, here are the thoughts of every person in the room.\r\n\r\nThe Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is not a prime. Theorem disproved!\r\n\r\nThe Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime,...\r\n\r\nThe Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is practically a prime, 11 is a prime,...\r\n\r\nThe Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime,...\r\n\r\nThe Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can,...\r\n\r\nThe Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release,...\r\n\r\nThe Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet,...\r\n\r\nThe Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...\r\n\r\nThe Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime,...\r\n\r\nThe Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.\r\n\r\nThe Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime...\r\n\r\nThe Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.\r\n\r\nThe Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime,...\r\n\r\nThe Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it,...",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14658,
"title": "Mathematicians"
},
{
"body": "-Archimedes, you are late again. Don't tell me that you were locked again in the bathroom.\r\n-Copernicus, when will you understand that you are not the center of the world?\r\n-Galileo, if you will drop stones from the top of the tower one more time, you will be dismissed forever.\r\n-Kepler, till when will you stare at the sky?\r\n-Newton, will you please stop idling away under the apple tree?\r\n-Volta, I can see you have a lot of potential.\r\n-Ohm, must you resist Amp\u00c3\u00a8re's opinions on current events?\r\n-Nikola Tesla, I see that everyone is attracted to your magnetic personality.\r\n-Einstein, a crocodile is greener or is it wider? \r\n-Schr\u00c3\u00b6dinger, stop abusing cats!\r\n-Heisenberg, when will you be sure of yourself?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14659,
"title": "Teachers' Remarks that Changed the History of Physics"
},
{
"body": "The new principal was talking to the teachers.\r\n\r\n\"Now, listen, my name is Mr. Prenis, with an \"R\". Please don't forget to spell it out clearly, so that the students dont laugh and such...\"\r\n\r\nThe teachers assure him that they will remember it, and they go out to adress the students.\r\n\r\nOne of the male teachers steps up to the podium, and speaks into the microphone:\r\n\r\n\"Welcome, students, to another year at Rearview Elementary. I would like you to welcome your new principal, Mr. Crock...\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14661,
"title": "New Principal"
},
{
"body": "Two guys are sitting in a bar. The one says to the other, \"Are you going to the Johnsons' tonight?\"\r\nThe other says, \"Dunno, I don't feel like it, but my wife wants to.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yeah, me too, I don't feel like it, but my wife insists.\"\r\n\r\nBoth of them sigh deeply, look at each other and say:\r\n\"All right then. See you at the Johnsons'!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14662,
"title": "The Johnsons"
},
{
"body": "On one side of the world, a man is given a blowjob by a 80-year-old woman. On the other side of the world, a stuntman attempts the unattemptable: Tiptoeing on a stretched cord between two skyscrapers. What are they both thinking?\r\n\r\n\"Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, don't look down...\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14663,
"title": "Find the Similarities"
},
{
"body": "An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal... \r\n\r\nSoon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a close by man, \"Can you help me point my penis?\" \r\n\r\nThe man reluctantly accepted but decided not to look at the man's penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, \"Hey! I'm grabbing it right? So I should look, I have a right\"\r\n\r\nHe looks down at the man's member and sees that is beyond hideous. Startled, he jumps back and lets go, asking, \"What the hell is wrong with it?\"\r\n\r\nThe \"armless\" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says \"I dunno, but I ain't touchin' it,\" and walks away.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14666,
"title": "I Ain't Touchin it"
},
{
"body": "The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, \"What do you have in there, pal?\"\r\n\r\n\"A mongoose.\"\r\n\r\n\"What for?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection.\" \r\n\r\n\"But,\" the friend said, \"you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.\" \r\n\r\n\"That's okay,\" said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, \"So is the mongoose.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14677,
"title": "Imagination"
},
{
"body": "A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. \r\nThe man asks, \"Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?\" \r\n\r\nThe nurse explains, \"The hot chocolate will help him sleep.\" \r\n\r\nThe man says, \"And the Viagra?\" \r\n\r\n\"Keeps him from falling out of bed.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14684,
"title": "Old People"
},
{
"body": "Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. \"I'll have some fuckin' French toast,\" he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. \"Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast for me,\" he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. \"I don't know,\" he says meekly, \"but I definitely don't want the fuckin' French toast.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14691,
"title": "Toast Anyone?"
},
{
"body": "Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14694,
"title": "Psychiatric Hotline"
},
{
"body": "Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?\r\n\r\n\r\n Here is a little test that will help you decide.\r\n The answer can be found by posing the following\r\n question:\r\n\r\n You're walking down a deserted street with your\r\n wife and two small children.\r\n Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife\r\n comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,\r\n screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife,\r\n and charges at you.\r\n You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.\r\n You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do\r\n you do?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n ........................................................\r\n\r\n Democrat's Answer:\r\n\r\n Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!\r\n Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?\r\n Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?\r\n Could we run away?\r\n What does my wife think?\r\n What about the kids?\r\n What does the law say about this situation?\r\n Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway,\r\n and what kind of message does\r\n this send to society and to my children?\r\n Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be\r\n content just to wound me?\r\n Should I call 9-1-1 ?\r\n Why is this street so deserted?\r\n We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day\r\n and make this happier, healthier street that would\r\n discourage such behavior.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n ........................................................\r\n\r\n\r\n Republican's Answer:\r\n\r\n\r\n BANG!\r\n\r\n ..........................................................\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Southerner's Answer:\r\n\r\n BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!\r\n BANG! BANG! BANG!\r\n Click..... (Sounds of reloading)\r\n BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!\r\n BANG! BANG! BANG!\r\n Click\r\n Daughter: \"Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the\r\n Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?\r\n Son: Can I shoot the next one!\r\n Wife: You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14696,
"title": "Political Party"
},
{
"body": "Bob: Did you get the tickets?\r\n\r\nFred: What tickets?\r\n\r\nBob: To the Gun Show! Well, let's see now, I think they're both pretty good, but...this one has it!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14697,
"title": "Did You Get the Tickets?"
},
{
"body": "True Story:\r\n\r\nMy aunt and her son were coming to our house to view an old slide show of London. Currently, my aunt has grey hair. In the slides she had black hair. My dad tells my cousin, \"See, your mother doesn't look old here.\" He replies, \"Well, you can also see when the Hampton Court Palace was new.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 14698,
"title": "Slide Show"
},
{
"body": "Bob: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?\r\n\r\nWillie: I dunno.\r\n\r\nBob: I'll tell you later...",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14699,
"title": "Turkey"
},
{
"body": "Sven was in front of the mall jewellery store when he spied Ole walking past carrying a small, gift-wrapped package. \r\n\r\n\"So vat did ja buy, Ole?\" \r\n\r\nOle replied, \"Tomorrow is Lena's birthday and she said she vanted something wit lots of diamonds.\" \r\n\r\n\"So vat did you get her?\" asked Sven. \r\n\r\n\"A deck of cards!\" replied Ole.\r\n\r\n- Editor: Ole's funeral services will be held later this week.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14700,
"title": "Sven and Ole"
},
{
"body": "Ah...all the good things we get out of electricity: the T.V., computer, coffee machine, lights, and much more.\r\n\r\nWhat happens when the electricity goes out?\r\n\r\nYou stop complaining that you can't watch T.V. or send an E-mail, and go buy battery-powered things!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14701,
"title": "Lights Out"
},
{
"body": "There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14702,
"title": "So Simple"
},
{
"body": "I knocked several times, but you weren't in.\r\n\r\n - Opportunity",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14703,
"title": "I Knocked"
},
{
"body": "If an item is advertised as \"under $50\", you can bet it's not $19.95.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14704,
"title": "The Advertisement"
},
{
"body": "If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14705,
"title": "How To Succeed"
},
{
"body": "If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14706,
"title": "I Hear Me Talking"
},
{
"body": "If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14708,
"title": "To Err Is Human"
},
{
"body": "Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14710,
"title": "What You Thought"
},
{
"body": "Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14711,
"title": "The Alligator"
},
{
"body": "A student said to Professor Stigler: \"Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me.\"\r\n\r\nTo which Stigler replied, \"I agree, but\r\nunfortunately it is the lowest grade the\r\nUniversity will allow me to award.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14712,
"title": "Bad Grade"
},
{
"body": "A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.\r\n\r\nRepeated requests for repair brought only promises.\r\n\r\nAfter several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush.\r\n\r\nThe phone was now working fine - except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.\r\n\r\nA repairman arrived within the hour!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14715,
"title": "Repairing the Phone"
},
{
"body": "A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, about $200 today,\" said the rancher. \"But in six years it would have been worth $900, so $900 is what I'm out.\"\r\n\r\nThe motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.\r\n\r\n\"Here,\" he said, \"is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14716,
"title": "Killing the Fatted Calf"
},
{
"body": "A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, \"I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, whom I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.\"\r\n\r\nThe banker said, \"Yes, he certainly was trusted, and he will be tried as soon as we catch him.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14717,
"title": "The Banker"
},
{
"body": "A couple who lived together were talking one day, trying to figure out how to entertain themselves on a rainy day.\r\n\r\n\"Let's play Hide and Seek,\" said the woman. \"I'll hide and if you find me we'll have sex!\"\r\n\r\n\"But what if I can't find you?\" asked her boyfriend.\r\n\r\n\"I'll be behind the piano,\" she said.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14718,
"title": "Here's a Clue"
},
{
"body": "The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.\r\n\r\nFinally the IRS agent looked up and commented, \"You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.\"\r\n\r\n\"Why would you say that?\" wondered the broker.\r\n\r\n\"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 14720,
"title": "Press Return"
},
{
"body": "My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.\r\n\r\nSo far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.\r\n\r\nI feel better already.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 14721,
"title": "Finish"
},
{
"body": "Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.\r\n\r\nThe first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, \"I wouldn't eat that if I were you.\"\r\n\r\n\"Why not?\"\r\n\r\n\"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14722,
"title": "One Banana, Two Banana"
},
{
"body": "Original Lyric \r\n\r\nPut your left foot in, \r\nYour left foot out,\r\nYour left foot in,\r\nAnd shake it all about.\r\nYou do the hokey pokey,\r\nAnd turn yourself around\r\nThat's what it's all about.\r\n\r\nShakespearean Style.\r\n\r\nO proud left foot, that ventures quick within,\r\nThen soon upon a backward journey lithe.\r\nAnon, once more the gesture, then begin:\r\nCommand sinistral pedestal to writhe.\r\nCommence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke;\r\nA mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.\r\nTo spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.\r\nBlessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.\r\nThe Hoke, the poke - banish now thy doubt.\r\nVerily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14723,
"title": "The Hokey Pokey - Shakespearean Style"
},
{
"body": "- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. \r\n\r\n- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. \r\n\r\n- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. \r\n\r\n- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. \r\n\r\n- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. \r\n\r\n- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. \r\n\r\n- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. \r\n\r\n- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. \r\n\r\n- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. \r\n\r\n- A harp is a nude piano. \r\n\r\n- Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing. \r\n\r\n- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say. \r\n\r\n- My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. \r\n\r\n- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. \r\n\r\n- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14724,
"title": "Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams"
},
{
"body": "From Harper's Magazine:\r\n\r\nAmount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 14725,
"title": "Pizza, Anyone?"
},
{
"body": "On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes.\r\n\r\nShe blew her stack.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14726,
"title": "Pancake Landing"
},
{
"body": "Sign in restaurant window: \"Eat now - Pay waiter.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14727,
"title": "Drip Feed"
},
{
"body": "This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:\r\n\r\nAll signs metric - Next 20 miles.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14728,
"title": "Miles Better"
},
{
"body": "Leonid Brezhnev, a former ruler of Russia, was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts:\r\n\r\n\"Dear Comrade Imperialists,\"\r\n\r\nThe whole hall perked up - \"what did he say?\" Brezhnev tried again...\r\n\r\n\"Dear Comrade Imperialists,\"\r\n\r\nWell, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. \"Oh...\" he muttered, and started again:\r\n\r\n\"Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14729,
"title": "Now, Where Was I?"
},
{
"body": "- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. \r\n\r\n- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. \r\n\r\n- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. \r\n\r\n- A hangover is the wrath of grapes. \r\n\r\n- Sea captains don't like crew cuts. \r\n\r\n- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? \r\n\r\n- Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. \r\n\r\n- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. \r\n\r\n- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. \r\n\r\n- What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!) \r\n\r\n- A backward poet writes inverse.\r\n\r\n- In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. \r\n\r\n- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. \r\n\r\n- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. \r\n\r\n- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. \r\n\r\n- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. \r\n\r\n- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. \r\n\r\n- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. \r\n\r\n- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. \r\n\r\n- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. \r\n\r\n- Every calendar's days are numbered. \r\n\r\n- A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. \r\n\r\n- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.\r\n\r\n- He had a photographic memory that was never developed. \r\n\r\n- A plateau is a high form of flattery. \r\n\r\n- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. \r\n\r\n- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. \r\n\r\n- Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. \r\n\r\n- When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. \r\n\r\n- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. \r\n\r\n- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. \r\n\r\n- Acupuncture is a jab well done. \r\n\r\n- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. \r\n\r\n- The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14730,
"title": "A Good Pun is Its Own Reword"
},
{
"body": "One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, \"There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!\" \r\n\r\nChecking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, \"What is the first rule?\" \r\n\r\nMuch to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, \"Shut up, Drill Sergeant!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14731,
"title": "Chow Time"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\n\r\nWho's There.\r\n\r\nPick up.\r\n\r\nPick up Who?\r\n\r\nPick up your truck and I'll grab the money.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 14732,
"title": "Pick Up"
},
{
"body": "- Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.\r\n\r\n- You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.\r\n\r\n- You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.\r\n\r\n- You think you are an entrepreneur because of the \"Dirt for Sale\" sign in the front yard.\r\n\r\n- You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.\r\n\r\n- You don't think Jeff's Foxworthy's jokes are funny.\r\n\r\n- Every time you see a roadsign that says \"DIP\" you reach in your back pocket.\r\n\r\n- You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14737,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck If:"
},
{
"body": "The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. \r\n\r\nRemembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. \r\n\r\nWhen she walked back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. \r\n\r\n\"Mother,\" the nuns asked with earnest, \"please give us some wisdom before you die.\" \r\n\r\nShe raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, \"Don't sell that cow.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14738,
"title": "The Dying Irish Nun"
},
{
"body": "The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. \r\n\r\n\"The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store,\" his mother said. \r\n\r\n\"Oh good,\" he replied, \"Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14739,
"title": "New Checking Account"
},
{
"body": "A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, \"Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14740,
"title": "Success in Marriage"
},
{
"body": "Your momma's teeth are so yellow, that when she opened her mouth, a black guy said \"nice grillz!\"\r\n\r\nYour momma's so fat 'n hairy that when she went to the mueseum someone yelled \"the mammoth's alive!\"\r\n\r\nYour momma's so hairy that when she was on the set of king kong, the director said \"I thought I only ordered 1 gorrila!\"\r\n\r\nYour momma's so old and gassy that when she farted the dinasours became extinct!\r\n\r\nYour momma's so stupid that they invented the books for dummys just for her!\r\n\r\nYour momma's so skinny that god used her to clean his teeth!\r\n\r\nYour momma's so ugly that when she stepped out of her house, people ran away saying \"I didn't know they were shooting a horror movie here!\"\r\n\r\nYour momma's so ugly that when walked down her street someone said \"lady, halloween was yesterday!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14741,
"title": "Your Momma's Nasty!"
},
{
"body": "After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14742,
"title": "Said and Done"
},
{
"body": "A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14743,
"title": "A Tie"
},
{
"body": "Don't lend people money...it gives them amnesia.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14744,
"title": "What Money?"
},
{
"body": "A boy comes home from school saying, \"3rd grade math has way bigger numbers than 2nd grade!\"\r\n\r\nHis dad replies, \"Don't worry, when you start getting a paycheck they get smaller again.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14748,
"title": "Numbers"
},
{
"body": "If you use your rollaway tool box for your bedroom dresser.\r\n\r\nIf you are afraid to mow your lawn because you might find out where Grandma's been for the last two months.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14749,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck.."
},
{
"body": "All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14750,
"title": "Sit! Stay!"
},
{
"body": "Any wire cut to length will be too short.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14751,
"title": "Wire You Laughing?"
},
{
"body": "Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14752,
"title": "Get Away With You!"
},
{
"body": "Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14753,
"title": "I Know What I'm Doing"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so ugly when she walks in a room mice jump on chairs!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14754,
"title": "Mice"
},
{
"body": "Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty of it.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14756,
"title": "Be Content"
},
{
"body": "The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14757,
"title": "To . . .The . . ."
},
{
"body": "The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14758,
"title": "Just to Cheer You Up!"
},
{
"body": "It's not what you say, but the way you say it. \r\n\r\nOn a blind date, the boy said to the girl: \"Time stands still when I look into your eyes.\" \r\n\r\nThe girl was very flattered. \r\n\r\nWhat the boy had really meant was, \"You have a face that would stop a clock.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14759,
"title": "The Way You Say it"
},
{
"body": "One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14760,
"title": "Tempus Fugit"
},
{
"body": "There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14761,
"title": "Talk-Talk"
},
{
"body": "No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14762,
"title": "No Matter What"
},
{
"body": "Policeman: \"When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least.'\" \r\n\r\nWoman driver: \"Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14765,
"title": "Fifty-five"
},
{
"body": "There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. \r\n\r\nThis virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. \r\n\r\nIf you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. \r\n\r\nYou should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 14766,
"title": "Worm Overload Recreational Killer"
},
{
"body": "A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. \r\n\r\nWhispering firmly, the priest said, \"Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil.\" \r\n\r\nThe dying man said nothing. \r\n\r\nThe priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. \r\n\r\nThe priest asked, \"Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?\" \r\n\r\nThe dying man said, \"Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 14767,
"title": "The Dying Man"
},
{
"body": "A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, \"What've you got in your truck?\" \r\n\r\n\"Fertilizer,\" the farmer replied. \r\n\r\n\"What are you going to do with it?\" asked the little boy. \r\n\r\n\"Put it on strawberries,\" answered the farmer. \r\n\r\n\"You ought to live here,\" the little boy advised him. \"We put sugar and cream on ours.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14769,
"title": "Strawberry Fertilizer"
},
{
"body": "The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. \r\n\r\nLater, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, \"Rough Road.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14770,
"title": "Road Repair?"
},
{
"body": "There are two rules for success in life:\r\n\r\nRule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14774,
"title": "The Two Rules"
},
{
"body": "Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? \r\n\r\n- G. Gordon Liddy",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14775,
"title": "Horses"
},
{
"body": "You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14776,
"title": "Fool I"
},
{
"body": "You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14777,
"title": "Fool II"
},
{
"body": "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14778,
"title": "Making Friends"
},
{
"body": "A woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. \"How much is it?\" she asked the storekeeper.\r\n\r\n\"14 cents,\" answered the storekeeper to the lady.\r\n\r\n\r\n\"14 cents! For what?\" asked the lady.\r\n\r\nThe storekeeper explained: \"The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents.\"\r\n\r\n\"I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11.\"\r\n\r\n\"What are you saying?\"\r\n\r\n\"As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11. I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11!\r\n\r\nObviously, 7 and 7 is 11.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14789,
"title": "7 and 7 is 11"
},
{
"body": "Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, \"I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment.\" \r\n\r\n\"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?\" asked his friend. \r\n\r\n\"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 14790,
"title": "Kidneys and Livers"
},
{
"body": "A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security. \r\n\r\nThe first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him. \r\n\r\nAround 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door. \r\n\r\n\"Who is it?\" my friend asked nervously. \r\n\r\n\"Honey,\" a woman on the other side yelled, \"you left your key in the door.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14791,
"title": "Hotel Security"
},
{
"body": "A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, \"All politicians are assholes.\" \r\nA man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, \"I take offense to that!\" \r\n\r\nThe pissed-off guy asks him, \"Why? Are you a politician?\" \r\n\r\n\"No,\" he replies, \"I'm an asshole.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14792,
"title": "Assholes"
},
{
"body": "In the university, the lecturers were entering their classes. Meanwhile, the students were doing their own stuff. When the lecturer said,\"Class, attention please!\" all of them still did something else. Of course they didn't pay attention because the lecturer asked the CLASS to pay attention!",
"category": "College",
"id": 14794,
"title": "Stupid Lecturers"
},
{
"body": "My friend and I were in a record store to buy a 45-speed record of his favourite song. After he located it, he realized that he had forgotten his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get a five-finger discount (shoplift) so he put it down his pants.\r\n\r\nWell, as we were leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, \"Excuse me, but is that a record in your pants?\" \r\n\r\nTo this he responded, \"It may not be a record, but I'm mighty proud of it.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14795,
"title": "Five Finger Discount"
},
{
"body": "Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14796,
"title": "Won Ton"
},
{
"body": "Four teenagers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in Lakeland, Fla. just before Christmas. In an attempt to steal an automobile at random, they tried to break into a police van containing three officers on a stakeout.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14797,
"title": "To Catch a Thief"
},
{
"body": "A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked, \"Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number?\"\r\n\r\nSeeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn't heard from them since.",
"category": "College",
"id": 14798,
"title": "My Number?"
},
{
"body": "The song, \"Yankee Doodle\" was originally sung by British soldiers to insult the colonialists (which was typical of the British in those days).\r\n\r\nThe Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British (which was typical of the colonialists).",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14799,
"title": "Yankee Doodle"
},
{
"body": "St. Paul, MN\r\n\r\nThe hit movie \"Home Alone\" about a boy thwarting burglars with imaginative mayhem, wasn't total fantasy. Just ask the guy who tried to break in while 13-year-old Ryan Hendrickson was home alone.\r\n\r\nRyan was watching television Wednesday night when he heard a noise that sounded like a window screen being cut.\r\n\r\n\"I ran to the closet and grabbed a bat,\" Ryan said Thursday. \"I went...into the dining room, where I saw him cutting the window with a knife. He put his left hand in first and I was waiting for his right hand to come in...and I took the baseball bat and I hit him as hard as I could.\"\r\n\r\nThe man ran. Ryan called 911.\r\n\r\nPolice, while cautioning Ryan to call 911 first next time, did enjoy the fact that the kid got in the first lick against a bad guy.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14800,
"title": "\"Home Alone\""
},
{
"body": "New York, NY\r\n\r\nPolice across the nation are warning people who wear pagers to be on the lookout for the latest scam.\r\n\r\nAccording to police, pagers in several states have been beeped by a number displaying a 212 area code (New York) and the prefix 540. When the victims return the call, they are charged $55 on their phone bill.\r\n\r\nThe call the respondent makes has been electronically linked into a 900 \"pay-per-call\" system which allows the charge to be added to the phone bill.\r\n\r\n\"People will look at the number and say 'Gee, who is calling me from out of state? It must be important,'\" said an investigator.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14801,
"title": "Hello?"
},
{
"body": "Bellevue, WA\r\n\r\nThere's a story circulating through the Bellevue School District about the woman who called wanting information on home schooling.\r\n\r\nBoth Lake Washington (Renton, WA) and Bellevue districts are noted for their support of home schoolers, and the Bellevue spokesperson was explaining procedures and what to do to the mother on the telephone.\r\n\r\nAmong other things, the mother needed to file a declaration of intent, a kind of home school registration. The spokeswoman offered to send out the proper form.\r\n\r\nThe mother gave a Renton address.\r\n\r\nThe spokeswoman suggested registering the children in her home district in Renton, the Lake Washington School District.\r\n\r\n\"No way,\" said the mother. \"Everyone knows Bellevue schools are much better than Renton schools.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14802,
"title": "\"Home Schooling\", Eh?"
},
{
"body": "Kenneth Jeffries, 24, was arrested in West Haven, Conn., in August for robbing a convenience store. Police reported that he had first offered the clerk $1 for a pack of gum as a ruse and then taken $40 in the robbery.\r\n\r\nHowever, said police, Jeffries returned a minute later and asked, uncertainly, \"Did I pay for the gum?\"\r\n\r\nBy that time the clerk had summoned police, and Jeffries was soon apprehended.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14803,
"title": "Crime Pays, Eh?"
},
{
"body": "Three roommates: a blonde, brunette, and redhead all go out on dates one night. When they get back in the blonde says, \"You know you've been on a good date when your make-up is all smeared!\" The brunette says, \"No, no, you know you've been on a good date when you come home and your hair is all messed up.\" The redhead doesn't say anything she just reaches up under her skirt, pulls off her panties, and throws them against the wall, where they stick, and says, \"NOW THAT'S A GOOD DATE!!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14807,
"title": "A Good Date"
},
{
"body": "So, what did one Bowling pin say to the other Bowling pin? ............................ \r\nHey, you're a knock out!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14809,
"title": "Bowling Pin"
},
{
"body": "One day a pretty lady was driving through the desert and her car broke down. In the distance, she sees an indian riding a horse. He rides over to her and offers her a lift to the nearest gas station and she happily accepts. On the way to the gas station, the indian would let out a, \"Woo Hoo, Yipee!\" every few seconds. The lady just figured that he was being an Indian and ignored it.\r\nWhen they finally got to the gas station and the Indian had left, the guy that worked at the gas station asked, \"What was his problem?\" The lady responded, \"I don't know, I was just holding onto his saddle horn.\"\r\n\r\nThe guy replied, \"Lady, Indians don't use saddles!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14815,
"title": "Saddlehorns"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the magic car?\r\n\r\nIt turned into a driveway!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14816,
"title": "Magic Car"
},
{
"body": "My health teacher said once he was talking to this one guy and a student. As they were talking the student got curious and asked, \"How long have you been teaching here?\"\r\n\r\nMy health teachser replied, \"Oh about 37 years.\"\r\n\r\nThe student said he must be old and the other guy, who is elderly as well says,\r\n\r\n\"Ya, and Jesus still owes me a buck.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 14822,
"title": "Really Old"
},
{
"body": "How many Price Chopper employees does it take to wash a table?\r\n\r\nThree; one to wash it and two to supervise.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14824,
"title": "Price Chopper"
},
{
"body": "If I'm canoeing up a tree, how many cupcakes does it take to get to the moon? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nNone, since vests don't have sleeves.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14825,
"title": "Tree"
},
{
"body": "How many Hubluzas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\nThere is no lightbulb!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 14828,
"title": "Hubluzas"
},
{
"body": "If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?\r\nAre children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?\r\nCan you make a candle out of your earwax?\r\nWhen French people swear do they say pardon my English?\r\nAren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?\r\nIf the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?\r\nCan a fire truck park in the fire lane?\r\nCan it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?\r\n\"Cute as a button\" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?\r\nCan you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?\r\nAre marbles made of marble?\r\nWhy does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?\r\nIf you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)\r\nWhy did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14829,
"title": "Funny Thoughts"
},
{
"body": "Boys make good pets!\r\n\r\nPrincess in training!\r\n\r\nAt least I can still smoke in my car\r\n\r\nCaution, Blind Man Driving.\r\n\r\n\"Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make.\"\r\n\r\nAll trespassers will be shot on sight. All survivors will then be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Have a nice day!\r\n\r\n\"To learn to succeed, you must first learn to fail.\"-Michael Jordan\r\n\r\n\"No BLOOD no foul.\"\r\n\r\n\"Life's an Ocean, Sail It\"\r\n\r\n\"We are going to rip off your testicles.......and slash your tires.\" - Nip\r\n\r\nBest friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you!\r\n\r\nI'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.\r\n\r\nBorrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.\r\n\r\nHalf the people you know are below average.\r\n\r\nEveryone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!\r\n\r\n42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.\r\n\r\nA conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.\r\n\r\nA clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14830,
"title": "Hilarious Quotes..the First One is True"
},
{
"body": "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, \"Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14831,
"title": "So Good They Named it Ice"
},
{
"body": "Rhett Jacobs, Democratic candidate for the South Carolina House and a man who listed \"education\" as his top priority, submitted a required campaign disclosure form in October, handwritten, on which he detailed expenses for \"filling fee,\" \"campain work\" and \"litature.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14832,
"title": "Wears Mi Munny?"
},
{
"body": "As the plane was flying low over hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: \"What's that stuff on those hills?\"\r\n\r\n\"Just snow,\" replied the stewardess.\r\n\r\n\"That's what I thought,\" said the lady, \"but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14833,
"title": "You Turkey!"
},
{
"body": "One day, someone phoned Central Manhattan Office.\r\n\r\nCaller: Good afternoon. I'm John Smith.\r\nOperator: GOOD AFTERNOON! CAN I HELP YOU?\r\nCaller: Who are you? Why are you so rude?\r\nOperator: WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?\r\nCaller: I am looking for my sister, Gabrielle Smith. She works here, right?\r\nOperator: SHE IS IN THE TOILET!\r\nCaller: Okay. Now I want to know who you are. Why are you so rude?\r\nOperator: I'M SAW LEE!\r\nCaller: Oh, you should be sorry because you are so rude!\r\n\r\nThen the caller hung up the phone.\r\n\r\n*Try to pronounce \"SAW LEE\". It sounds like \"SORRY\", right?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 14836,
"title": "Word Imperfect"
},
{
"body": "This story is true. I heard my brother tell it to my cousins when we went out spotlighting.\r\nWell my brother and 2 of his friends were drunk. One of my brothers friends were so drunk he passed out. I forget what he landed on, but the power went out. The blond comes screaming \"What's happening??!!\" my brother and his other friend reply,\"The house is falling down!!\" So the blond runs to the door and pushes up on the doorway, and turns beet red. I don't know the erst of the story because my brother had just remembered I was in the car. He knew I would tell mom everything he said that was bad because I'm 12.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14839,
"title": "3 Drunks and a Blond"
},
{
"body": "Buy company, fire them. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBeware of machine guns.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14840,
"title": "How to Annoy Your Co-workers"
},
{
"body": "Good friends are the ones who will bail you out of jail.\r\n\r\nBut...\r\n\r\nTRUE friends are the ones who wil be sitting next to you in prison and say, \"You know, we sure messed up there, buddy!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14841,
"title": "Friends"
},
{
"body": "A lawyer in Basic Math class\r\n\r\n\"What is two plus two?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, first let us decide the parties. The first two is party A. Now first, where are the signatures that my client two WANTS to be added to the party B, two. I see no signatures, and therefore the two twos shan't be together until further paperwork is done. Two and two remain separate, CASE CLOSED!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 14842,
"title": "Ugh"
},
{
"body": "How does a sperm bank treat its donors?\r\n\r\nOn a first come, first serve basis.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14844,
"title": "Sperm Bank"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat and so pale white, when they landed on her they said \"This is one small step for man, and one fat leap for mankind!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14845,
"title": "Yo Momma So Fat&pale"
},
{
"body": "For those of you who do not know, a stroop test is where you say the color of the word, but not the word itself(and the words are spelling out colors).\r\n\r\nOne day there was a blonde. She saw stroop tests and found them fun. One day she was on a radio show. She said she was a fan of stroop tests and said she'd give the audience one. She explained what it was.\r\n\"Blue\"\r\n\"Red\"\r\n\"Green\"\r\nThe first to call and give the answers would win a cash prize. Someone called in.\r\n\"YOU MORON! YOU CANT SPEAK A STROOP TEST!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14846,
"title": "Stroop Test"
},
{
"body": "A U.S. Mint spokesperson announced the plans for a new fifty-cent piece that was being issued in the honor of two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale. When questioned by a reporter why two people were going to appear on the same coin, the spokesperson replied, \"These two men were selected to simplify life for a vast majority of Americans.\"\r\n\r\nThe reporter then asked, \"Could you explain how this would simplify life for Americans?\"\r\n\r\nThe official responded, \"Certainly, I'd be happy to. Now, when they toss a coin, they can simply call Ted's or Hale's.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14847,
"title": "The Coin Toss"
},
{
"body": "The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. \r\n\r\nHis sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. \r\n\r\n\"My, you look tired,\" she said. \"You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?\" \r\n\r\n\"It was terrible,\" her husband said, \"The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14848,
"title": "Computer Power"
},
{
"body": "A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. \r\n\r\n\"Sorry I can't serve you,\" states the barman. \r\n\r\n\"Why not?!\" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. \r\n\r\n\"You're under 21,\" replies the barman.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 14849,
"title": "Number 12"
},
{
"body": "Why did the cow cross the street?\r\n\r\nTo get to the udder side!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14850,
"title": "Why Did the Cow Cross the Street?"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a one-legged lady?\r\n\r\nEileen!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14851,
"title": "One-legged Lady"
},
{
"body": "Which animal has no teeth?\r\n\r\nA gummy bear!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14852,
"title": "No Teeth"
},
{
"body": "This man comes home feeling pretty frisky after partying with his buddies half the night.\r\n \r\nHe walks into the bedroom where his wife is still waiting up for him. He takes off all of his clothes and says, \"Baby, you are looking at 200 pounds of dynamite.\"\r\n \r\nHis wife opens the window and yells, \"Everybody run for your lives, there's 200 pounds of dynamite in my bedroom, and it only has a three inch fuse!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14853,
"title": "Dynamite"
},
{
"body": "Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.\r\n \r\nWhen they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college, but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast and the guy went to the west coast.\r\n \r\nThey agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could together.\r\n \r\nAs time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters.\r\n\r\nEven when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.\r\n \r\nFinally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.\r\n \r\nShe became annoyed, as she now had a new boyfriend, and she wanted to get him off her back, so she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, \"I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.\"\r\n \r\nWell, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, was pissed, so what he did next was awesome.\r\n \r\nHe wrote on the back of the photo the following, \"Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!\" and mailed the picture to her parents.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14854,
"title": "Oops"
},
{
"body": "An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. \r\n\r\n\"Your workers, they're escaping!\" cries the visitor. \"You've got to stop them.\" \r\n\r\n\"Don't worry, they'll be back,\" says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. \r\n\r\nWhen the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, \"Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?\" \r\n\r\n\"Forget the machines,\" says the visitor. \"How much do you want for that whistle?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14856,
"title": "Albanian Manufacturers"
},
{
"body": "Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, \"God, please give me the strength to cross the river.\"\r\n\r\n Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.\r\n\r\n After witnessing that, the second man prayed, \"God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.\"\r\n\r\n Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. \r\n\r\n Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, \"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.\"\r\n\r\n Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14857,
"title": "The River"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so stupid she tried to drown a fish.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 14858,
"title": "Drowning"
},
{
"body": "Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?\r\n\r\nIf a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?\r\n\r\nIs there another word for synonym?\r\n\r\nWhere do forest rangers go to \"get away from it all?\"\r\n\r\nIf a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?\r\n\r\nHow do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?\r\n\r\nThe older you get, the better you realize you were.\r\n\r\nAge is a very high price to pay for maturity.\r\n\r\nProcrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.\r\n\r\nDo pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?\r\n\r\nBefore they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?\r\n\r\nIf one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?\r\n\r\nWhy are there interstate highways in Hawaii?\r\n\r\nIf Denny's is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?\r\n\r\nIf you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14861,
"title": "A Bunch of Mind Boggling Questions"
},
{
"body": "How can you tell an elephant from an ant?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAn ant is easier to pick up!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14863,
"title": "Ant From Elephant"
},
{
"body": "How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?\r\n\r\n\r\nShe has her tampon behind her ear and she cant find her pencil!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14864,
"title": "How to Tell When a Blonde is Having a Bad Day..."
},
{
"body": "Why do bald men put holes in their pockets?\r\n\r\n\r\nSo they can run their fingers through their hair!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14865,
"title": "Bald Men!"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you know when a blonde is on her period?\r\n\r\nA: She only has on one sock!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 14866,
"title": "Blonde Period"
},
{
"body": "A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.\r\n\r\nThree days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, \"Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!\"\r\n\r\n\"So?\" asked the duck's former owner, \"did you remember to light the candle under the pot?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14868,
"title": "Animal Quackers"
},
{
"body": "A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, \"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?\"\r\n\r\n\"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well I'll be,\" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. \r\n\r\nThe priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. \"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't have it, Father; I was just reading here that the Pope does.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 14869,
"title": "Arthur Itis"
},
{
"body": "A Good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk, \"Do you live here?\" \"Yep,\" replied the drunk. \"Would you like me to help you upstairs?\" And again the drunk replied, \"yep.\" When they got up on the second floor, the good samaritan asked \"Is this your floor?\" And once again the drunk replied, \"yep.\"\r\n\r\nThen the good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk, \"Do you live here?\" \"Yep,\" replied the drunk. \"Would you like me to help you upstairs?\" And agin the drunk replied, \"yep.\" So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk, then went back downstairs.\r\n\r\nWhere, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried \"Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 14870,
"title": "The Good Samaritan"
},
{
"body": "A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.\r\n\r\n\"Whoa, Sam!\" said the bartender. \"Who gave those beauties to you?\"\r\n\r\n\"Nobody gave them to me,\" said Sam. \"I had to fight like crazy for both of them.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 14871,
"title": "Les Yeux Noir"
},
{
"body": "How did the aliens hurt the farmer? \r\n\r\nThey trod on his corn.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14875,
"title": "Form a Circle"
},
{
"body": "An office technician got a call from a blonde. The blonde told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. \r\n\r\nHe told her to \"Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it.\" \r\n\r\nAbout fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 14876,
"title": "Fixing Broken Computers"
},
{
"body": "A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. \r\n\r\nHe told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. \r\n\r\n\"What's so funny?\" the bartender asked. \r\n\r\n\"That stupid Dave!\" the fellow chortled, \"He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 14877,
"title": "Girlfriend in the Car"
},
{
"body": "Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 14878,
"title": "Robot Lawyers"
},
{
"body": "Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. \r\n\r\nOne signs to the other, 'Boy was my wife mad at me last night. She went on and on and wouldn't stop!' \r\n\r\nThe other Buddy says, 'When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.' \r\n\r\n'How do you do that?' says the other. \r\n\r\n'It's easy! I turn off the light!'",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14879,
"title": "Wife Was Mad at Me"
},
{
"body": "Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. \r\n\r\n\"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty days' pay,\" said the officer. \r\n\r\n\"All right, sir,\" said the bright soldier, \"I'll take the money.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14880,
"title": "Choose a Punishment"
},
{
"body": "Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? \r\n\r\nDoctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 14881,
"title": "Fighting Mood"
},
{
"body": "A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. \r\n\r\nFinally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. \r\n\r\n\"I think you've paid your debt to society,\" he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.",
"category": "College",
"id": 14882,
"title": "Embarrassing Traffic Stop"
},
{
"body": "Schwarznegger has a big one,\r\nMichael J. Fox has a small one,\r\nMadonna doesn't have one,\r\nThe POPE has one but doesn't use it,\r\nClinton uses his all the time,\r\nMickey Mouse has an unusual one,\r\nGeorge Burns' was hot,\r\nLiberace NEVER used his on women,\r\nJerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,\r\nWe never saw Lucy use Desi's.\r\nWhat is it?\r\n\r\n\r\nA last name....... Were you thinking of something else?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14883,
"title": "What is It?"
},
{
"body": "Old world charm - Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light. \r\nTropical - Rainy.\r\nMajestic setting - A long way from town, at end of dirt road.\r\nOptions galore - Nothing is included in the price.\r\nSecluded hideaway - Directions to locate unclear.\r\nSome budget rooms - Sorry, already occupied.\r\nExplore on your own - At your own expense.\r\nMinutes From ??? - By Plane\r\nRomantic - No Phone in room\r\nKnowledgeable trip hosts - They've flown in an airplane before.\r\nNo extra fees - No extras available.\r\nBird Watchers Paradise - Your car's paint will never be the same\r\nNominal fee - Outrageous charge.\r\nStandard - Sub-standard.\r\nDeluxe - Barely Standard.\r\nSuperior accommodations- One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.\r\nAll the amenities - Two chocolates, two shower caps.\r\nJust Like Home - No Maid service.\r\nPlush - Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.\r\nGentle breezes - In hurricane alley.\r\nLight and airy - No air conditioning.\r\nPicturesque - Theme park nearby.\r\n24-hour bar - Ice cubes at additional cost (when available).",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14884,
"title": "Travel Agent Terms"
},
{
"body": "Astronomers were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang. \r\n\r\nApparently, that sound was \"Uh oh.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14885,
"title": "Oops"
},
{
"body": "As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat. Later, I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag.\r\n\r\nWhen I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse.\r\n\r\n\"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses,\" he explained. \"I think you'll find everything there.\"\r\n\r\nAs I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, \"I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse - and we'd like to see just how you do it.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14886,
"title": "Lost and Found"
},
{
"body": "Kid: Mom, can i get the hot lunch tomorrow?\r\nMom: What are they serving?\r\nKid: Swiss steak. Pleeeeeease?\r\nMom: Okay! Okay! I didn't know you liked Swiss steak so much.\r\nKid: Oh, yeah! It sticks to the ceiling WAY better than the lasagna.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14887,
"title": "Hot Lunch"
},
{
"body": "A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. \r\n\r\nSeveral months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" he replied, \"the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14888,
"title": "Salesman to Policeman"
},
{
"body": "Dave went on a business trip for a few days. When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him. \"She spent every night at the front door, waiting for you to come home,\" she said. \r\n\r\n\"What an example of devotion,\" Dave replied. \"I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?\" \r\n\r\n\"Honey,\" she answered, \"if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14889,
"title": "Devotion"
},
{
"body": "- You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top. \r\n\r\n- Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. \r\n\r\n- You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. \r\n\r\n- You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. \r\n\r\n- You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. \r\n\r\n- You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace. \r\n\r\n- You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car. \r\n\r\n- There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14890,
"title": "You Might Be A Redneck If..."
},
{
"body": "The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. \r\n\r\nI sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town. \r\n\r\nAt one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, \"I'm delivering him to my doctor's office.\" \r\n\r\nThe other driver leaned out of his window. \"I hate to tell you, man,\" he said, \"but I think it's too late!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 14891,
"title": "Too Late, He's Long Dead"
},
{
"body": "A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic. \r\n\r\nGrumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, \"Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?\" \r\n\r\nThe doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, \"What you need is jar number 47.\" \r\n\r\nSo the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, \"This is gross!\" he yelled. \"Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,\" said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home...very mad. \r\n\r\nOne month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. \"Doc,\" he started, \"I can't remember anything!\" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, \"What you need is jar number 47, it's....\" \r\n\r\nBut before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 14892,
"title": "Jar 47"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you cross an eagle with a jeep and a dog?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA flying car-pet!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14896,
"title": "What Do You Get....."
},
{
"body": "Nine cats were on a boat. One jumped off. How many were left?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nNone. They were all copy-cats!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14897,
"title": "9 Cats"
},
{
"body": "A poor man walks into a bar. Another man sat down 2 feet away from him, and pulled out a wad of $50s from his wallet. The poor man got an idea. He tells the rich man,\r\n\r\n\"I have a special talent. I bet you all the money in your wallet I can sing a song with any woman's name in it.\"\r\n\r\nThe rich man laughed. \"Alright. How about my wife's name, Joanne Skyler Thomas?\"\r\n\r\nWhat does the poor man sing?\r\n\r\n-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-\r\n\r\n\r\nAnswer: \"Happy Birthday\" It's a real song, and can have anyone's name in it. The poor man walks away rich. The rich man walks away poor.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 14898,
"title": "Rich & Poor"
},
{
"body": "I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting larger.\r\nThen it hit me...",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14899,
"title": "Frisbee"
},
{
"body": "These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.\r\n\r\nMarch Planned For Next August\r\n\r\nBlind Bishop Appointed To See\r\n\r\nLingerie Shipment Hijacked - Thief Gives Police The Slip\r\n\r\nL.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide\r\n\r\nPatient At Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through\r\n\r\nLatin Course To Be Canceled - No Interest Among Students, Et Al.\r\n\r\nDiaper Market Bottoms Out\r\n\r\nCroupiers On Strike - Management: \"No Big Deal\"\r\n\r\nStadium Air Conditioning Fails - Fans Protest",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14900,
"title": "Headlines I"
},
{
"body": "These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.\r\n\r\nQueen Mary Having Bottom Scraped\r\n\r\nLawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice\r\n\r\nFund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin\r\n\r\nCancer Society Honors Marlboro Man\r\n\r\nNicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy\r\n\r\nAutos Killing 110 a Day - Let's Resolve to Do Better\r\n\r\n20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar\r\n\r\nHalf of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation\r\n\r\nBlind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 14901,
"title": "Headlines II"
},
{
"body": "CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:\r\n\r\n(Monday) FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.\r\n\r\n(Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.\r\n\r\n(Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.\r\n\r\n(Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14902,
"title": "Classifed Errors"
},
{
"body": "Why was the fish expelled from school?\r\n\r\nHe was caught with seaweed!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14903,
"title": "Fish School"
},
{
"body": "When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14905,
"title": "Amore"
},
{
"body": "When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14906,
"title": "Walter Wall"
},
{
"body": "The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14907,
"title": "From Start to Finish"
},
{
"body": "Why did the tent agree to stand up all night?\r\n\r\n He was roped into it!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14908,
"title": "A Camping Joke"
},
{
"body": "Why did the big knot give the little knot a time-out?\r\n\r\nIt was being knotty!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14909,
"title": "Yet Another Camping Joke"
},
{
"body": "Actual online ad:\r\n\r\n$10,000\r\n06' Suzuki GSXR 1000\r\nFarmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006 \r\n2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without the proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently \"do whatever the f*** you want\" doesn't mean what I thought. Call Pete, (xxx)xxx-xxxx",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14910,
"title": "Do What"
},
{
"body": "Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, \"Do you want to go to heaven?\"\r\n\r\nThe man said, \"I do, Father.\"\r\n\r\nThe priest said, \"Then stand over there against the wall.\"\r\n\r\nThen the priest asked the second man, \"Do you want to got to heaven?\"\r\n\r\n\"Certainly, Father,\" was the man's reply.\r\n\r\n\"Then stand over there against the wall,\" said the priest.\r\n\r\nThen Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, \"Do you want to go to heaven?\"\r\n\r\nO'Toole said, \"No, I don't Father.\"\r\n\r\nThe priest said, \"I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?\"\r\n\r\nO'Toole said, \"Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 14912,
"title": "Go To Heaven"
},
{
"body": "A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail, but his lawyer told him, \"Don't worry. You'll never have to go to jail with all that money.\"\r\n\r\nThe lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 14913,
"title": "What Hoppened?"
},
{
"body": "A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.\r\n\r\n\"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,\" responded the lawyer.\r\n\r\n\"Sorry, but I can't do that,\" replied the stonecutter. \"In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'.\"\r\n\r\n\"But that won't let people know who it is!\" protested the lawyer.\r\n\r\n\"Sure it will,\" retorted the stonecutter. \"People will read it and exclaim, \"That's impossible!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 14914,
"title": "The Inscription"
},
{
"body": "A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.\r\n\r\n\"Alright,\" the lawyer says, looking through his papers. \"You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.\"\r\n\r\n\"What? That sounds like a car payment schedule,\" retorted the client.\r\n\r\n\"You're right. It's mine.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 14915,
"title": "That's My Car!"
},
{
"body": "Lawyer: \"Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?\"\r\n\r\nClient: \"After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 14916,
"title": "The Car"
},
{
"body": "\"How can I ever thank you?\" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.\r\n\r\n\"My dear woman,\" Darrow replied, \"ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14917,
"title": "Clarence Darrow"
},
{
"body": "Chuck Norris has two speeds - walk and kill.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris sold law and order for using the names of his arms and legs.\r\n\r\nChuck Norris hides his third arm underneath his beards.\r\n\r\nWhen Chuck Norris does a push up he is not pushing himself up, he is pushing the world down.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14921,
"title": "More Chuck Norris Jokes"
},
{
"body": "A woman was about to have a set of triplets. While in the womb, the triplets were trying to figure out what they wanted to be when they grew up. The first one said that he wanted to be an electrician, and the others asked him why.\r\nHe said, \"So I can get some light in this place.\" The second one said that he wanted to be a plumber, because their house was flooded. The third said that he wanted to be a trapper. The other two asked him why he wanted to do that and he said \"So I can catch that damn weasel that keeps poking its head in and out of here.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14922,
"title": "Triplets"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a nun that becomes an attorney?\r\n\r\nSister in law!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 14925,
"title": "Attorney Nun"
},
{
"body": "At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture. \r\n\r\n\"What a great realist that painter is!\" he exclaimed. \r\n\r\n\"What painter?\" \r\n\r\n\"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'.\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!\" \r\n\r\n\"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14930,
"title": "Painting Shows it All"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: What is the axis of the earth? \r\n\r\nStudent: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves. \r\n\r\nTeacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line? \r\n\r\nStudent: Yes, Sir. \r\n\r\nTeacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes? \r\n\r\nStudent: Imaginary clothes, Sir.",
"category": "College",
"id": 14931,
"title": "Geography Class"
},
{
"body": "An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain: \"When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, I don't think much of it either,\" replied the GI.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14932,
"title": "Ten-Mile Hike"
},
{
"body": "It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.\r\n\r\nThe inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.\r\n\r\n\"Are you Mr. Johnson?\" they asked. He admitted that he was.\r\n\r\n\"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?\" Again, the man admitted that was he.\r\n\r\n\"And what did you do then?\" the troopers asked. The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.\r\n\r\n\"Where is your car now?\" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.\r\n\r\n\"May we see the car?\" asked the troopers. The man answered, \"Sure,\" and opened the garage.\r\n\r\nInside the garage was the state trooper's car.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14933,
"title": "Driving Home Very Drunk"
},
{
"body": "How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nInto what?",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 14936,
"title": "Whut?"
},
{
"body": "Two maggots were playing billiards.\r\n\r\nOne says, \"I'm bored.\"\r\n\r\nThe other replies, \"Beats fishing.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14937,
"title": "What Did YOU Do Today?"
},
{
"body": "Why can't a dalmatian puppy hide from his mom?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n'Cause he's already been spotted!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14939,
"title": "Dalmatian Puppy"
},
{
"body": "My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.\r\n\r\nWe've discovered that when I'm in a good mood it turns green.\r\n\r\nBut when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.\r\n\r\nMaybe next time the cheap bastard will buy me a diamond!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14940,
"title": "The Ring"
},
{
"body": "A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. \r\n\r\nThen he asked, \"But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?\" \r\n\r\nThere was only a slight hesitation before she replied, \"Well, you knew, didn't you?\" and hung up.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14941,
"title": "Baste A Turkey"
},
{
"body": "The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911. \r\n\r\nWhen the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. \r\n\r\n\"It was enough to make anybody faint,\" he said. \"My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14942,
"title": "Who Would Know"
},
{
"body": "A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. \"Do you watch much television here?\" \r\n\r\n\"Only the daytime shows,\" the inmate said. \"At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any television.\" \r\n\r\n\"That's too bad,\" the reporter said, \"But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime.\" \r\n\r\n\"What do you mean, nice?\" the inmate said. \"That's part of the punishment.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14943,
"title": "Daytime Television"
},
{
"body": "After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman. \r\n\r\n\"Is Mike there?\" I asked. \r\n\r\n\"He's in the shower,\" she responded. \r\n\r\n\"Please tell him his girlfriend called,\" I said and hung up. \r\n\r\nWhen he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. \"This is Mike,\" he said. \r\n\r\n\"You're not my boyfriend!\" I exclaimed. \r\n\r\n\"I know,\" he replied. \"That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14944,
"title": "Mike's Girlfriend"
},
{
"body": "\"It's no good, sir,\" said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. \"I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.\" \r\n\r\n\"Goes in both ears and out the other?\" asked the puzzled teacher. \"But you only have two ears.\" \r\n\r\n\"You see, sir? I'm no good at math, either.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14945,
"title": "Hopeless Pupil"
},
{
"body": "Haiku are funny\r\nBut sometimes they don't make sense\r\nRefrigerator",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14948,
"title": "Haiku"
},
{
"body": "Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14949,
"title": "Oh, No!"
},
{
"body": "The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, \"Who owns the big white horse outside?\" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, \"I do. Why?\"\r\n\r\nThe cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, \"I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!\" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was exhausted. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.\r\n\r\nThe Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, \"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.\"\r\n\r\nTonto said, \"Sure, Kemosabe\", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.\r\n\r\nA few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, \"Who owns that big white horse outside?\"\r\n\r\nThe Lone Ranger stands again and claims, \"I do; what is wrong with him this time?\"\r\n\r\nThe cowboy says to him, \"Nothing much, I just wanted you to know - you left your Injun running!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14950,
"title": "Loan Arranger"
},
{
"body": "To keep your marriage brimming\r\nWith love in the marriage cup,\r\nWhenever you're wrong, admit it;\r\nWhenever you're right, shut up. - Nash",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14951,
"title": "Advice 4 All"
},
{
"body": "At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.\r\n\r\n\"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing - and stay home at night!\"\r\n\r\nAn old granny overheard and spoke up, \"Honey, if that's all you want, get a television!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14952,
"title": "Sound Advice"
},
{
"body": "A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.\r\nThey were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, \"We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?\" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.\r\n\r\nAs they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.\r\n\r\nThe first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.\r\n\r\nThe priest said, \"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.\"\r\n\r\n\"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?\" the pro asked.\r\n\r\nThe priest replied, \"Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 14953,
"title": "Play the Game"
},
{
"body": "For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 a.m. on the dot; he had never missed a day and was never late.\r\n\r\nConsequently, when on one particular day 9 a.m. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.\r\n\r\nFinally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, \"I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway - nearly killed myself.\"\r\n\r\nThe boss said, \"And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14954,
"title": "An Hour Late"
},
{
"body": "A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.\r\n\r\nFinally, before the whole orchestra, he said, \"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.\"\r\n\r\nA stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: \"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14955,
"title": "Drumming Up Business"
},
{
"body": "Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.\r\n\r\nIt wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, something that had never happened before.\r\n\r\nRather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:\r\n\r\n\"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.\"\r\n\r\n\"Now,\" he concluded, \"which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14956,
"title": "Insurance Salesman"
},
{
"body": "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14957,
"title": "Do Not Disturb!"
},
{
"body": "Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14958,
"title": "Remember When . . . ."
},
{
"body": "You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......\r\n\r\nYou hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, \"What's this?\", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.\r\n\r\nA woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, \"I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn\". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.\r\n\r\nWhile your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.\r\n\r\nYou return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.\r\n\r\nYou take a \"sick\" day. The next morning the boss asks you, \"So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?\"\r\n\r\nYou wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14959,
"title": "At Work. . . Or Maybe Not, Now!"
},
{
"body": "Alabama\r\n*It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. \r\n*Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. \r\n*It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. \r\n~~~\r\nCalifornia\r\n*Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. \r\n*Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. \r\n*Bathhouses are against the law. [Get the full text of this law.] \r\n*It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. \r\n*Women may not drive in a house coat. \r\n~~~\r\nFlorida\r\n*Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. \r\n*A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. \r\n*If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. \r\n*It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. \r\n*Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. \r\n*Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. \r\n*It is illegal to skateboard without a license. \r\n*When having sex, only the missionary position is legal. \r\n~~~\r\nKansas\r\n*Prohibits shooting rabbits from a motorboat. \r\n~~~\r\nLouisiana\r\n*It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. \r\n~~~\r\nIndiana\r\n*It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks. \r\n*Liquor stores may not sell milk. \r\n~~~\r\nMichigan\r\n*You may not swear in front of women and children. \r\n~~~\r\nNebraska\r\n*It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup. \r\n~~~\r\nNew York\r\n*A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking \"at a woman in that way.\" A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a \"pair of horse-blinders\" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll. \r\n*It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun. \r\n*A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline. \r\n*The penalty for jumping off a building is death. \r\n~~~\r\nNorth Dakota\r\n*Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant. \r\n*It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on. \r\n~~~\r\nOhio\r\n*It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. \r\n*It is illegal to get a fish drunk. \r\n~~~\r\nPennsylvania \r\n*A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel. \r\n~~~\r\nTexas\r\n*It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. \r\n*It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers. \r\n*It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel. \r\n*It is illegal to milk another person's cow. \r\n*A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. \r\n*The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home. \r\n~~~\r\nWisconsin\r\n*You must manually flush all urinals in a building. \r\n*Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14960,
"title": "United States Weird Laws I"
},
{
"body": "In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a\r\nman was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no\r\nthicker than his thumb. Hence we have \"the rule of\r\nthumb\"\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nMany years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.\r\nIt was ruled \"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden\"...and\r\nthus the word GOLF entered into the English language.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nThe first couple to be shown in bed together on prime\r\ntime TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nEvery day more money is printed for Monopoly than the\r\nU.S.Treasury.\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nMen can read smaller print than women can; women can\r\nhear better.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nCoca-Cola was originally green.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nIt is impossible to lick your elbow.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nThe State with the highest percentage of people who\r\nwalk to work: Alaska\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nThe percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now\r\nget this...)\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nThe percentage of North America that is wilderness:\r\n38%\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nThe cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of\r\neleven: $6,400\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nThe average number of people airborne over the U.S. in\r\nany given hour: 61,000\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nIntelligent people have more zinc and copper in their\r\nhair.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nThe first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom\r\nSawyer.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nThe San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile\r\nNational Monuments.\r\n-------------------------------------------------------\r\nEach king in a deck of playing cards represents a great\r\nking from history:\r\nSpades - King David\r\nHearts - Charlemagne\r\nClubs -Alexander, the Great\r\nDiamonds - Julius Caesar\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nIf a statue in the park of a person on a horse has\r\nboth front legs in the air, the person died in battle.\r\nIf the horse has one front leg in the air the person\r\ndied as a result of wounds received in battle. If the\r\nhorse has all four legs on the ground, the\r\nperson died of natural causes.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nOnly two people signed the Declaration of Independence\r\non July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson.\r\nMost of the rest signed on August 2, but the last\r\nsignature wasn't added until 5 years later.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\nQ. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?\r\nA. Their birthplace\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\nQ. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most\r\npopular boat name requested?\r\nA. Obsession\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\nQ. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you\r\nhave to go until you would find the letter \"A\"?\r\nA. One thousand\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\nQ. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield\r\nwipers, and laser printers all have in common?\r\nA. All were invented by women.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\nQ. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?\r\nA. Honey\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\nQ. Which day are there more collect calls than any\r\nother day of the year?\r\nA. Father's Day\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\nIn Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed\r\nframes by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the\r\nmattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.\r\nHence the phrase.........\"goodnight, sleep tight.\"\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\nIt was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years\r\nago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's\r\nfather would supply his son-in-law with all the mead\r\nhe could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their\r\ncalendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\nIn English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts...\r\nSo in old England , when customers got unruly, the\r\nbartender would yell at them \"Mind your pints and\r\nquarts, and settle down.\"\r\nIt's where we get the phrase \"mind your P's and Q's\"\r\n-------------------------------------------------------\r\nMany years ago in England , pub frequenters had a\r\nwhistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their\r\nceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used\r\nthe whistle to get some service. \"Wet your whistle\" is\r\nthe phrase inspired by this practice.\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~\r\n\r\nAt least 75% of people who read this will try to lick\r\ntheir elbow!\r\n----------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nDon't delete this just because it looks weird.\r\nBelieve it or not, you can read it:\r\n\r\nI cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd\r\nwaht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of th huamn\r\nmnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde\r\nUinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the\r\nltteers in a wrod are, the olny\r\niprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be\r\nin the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and\r\nyou can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is\r\nbcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by\r\nistlef, but the wrod as\r\na wlohe. Amzanig huh?\r\n\r\n YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...\r\n\r\n1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.\r\n2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in\r\nyears.\r\n3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your\r\nfamily of three.\r\n4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to\r\nyou.\r\n5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends\r\nand family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.\r\n6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in\r\nthe groceries.\r\n7. Every commercial on television has a web site at\r\nthe bottom of the screen.\r\n8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which\r\nyou didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years\r\nof your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn\r\naround to go and get it.\r\n10. You get up in the morning and go on line before\r\ngetting your coffee.\r\n11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )\r\n12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.\r\n13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going\r\nto forward this message.\r\n14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this\r\nlist.\r\n15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there\r\nwasn't a #9 on this list.\r\n\r\nAND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14962,
"title": "Funny Tidbits"
},
{
"body": "THINGS I HAVE LEARNED LIVING IN GEORGIA:\r\n\r\n1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air \r\n\r\n2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in GEORGIA.\r\n\r\n3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in GEORGIA plus a couple no one's seen before\r\n\r\n4. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites. \r\n\r\n5. Onced and twiced are words.\r\n\r\n6. It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.\r\n\r\n7. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.\r\n\r\n8. People actually grow and eat okra.\r\n\r\n9. Fixinto is one word.\r\n\r\n10. There is no such thing as \"lunch\". There is only dinner and then there is supper.\r\n\r\n11. Ice tea is appropriate for all meals and you st art drinking it when you' re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!\r\n\r\n12. Backards and forwards means \"I know everything about you.\" \r\n\r\n13. DJeet? is actually a phrase meaning \"Did you eat?\" \r\n\r\n14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you' re done or it's too dark to see. \r\n\r\n15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them. \r\n\r\nYOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM GEORGIA IF:\r\n\r\n1. You measure distance in minutes.\r\n\r\n2. You've ever had to switch from \"heat\" to \"A/C\" in the same day. \r\n\r\n3. You use \"fix\" as a verb. Example: \"I'm fixing to go to the store \"\r\n\r\n4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,vegetable,grain, insect or animal. \r\n\r\n5. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.\r\n\r\n6. You know what a \"DAWG\" is.\r\n\r\n7. You carry jumper cables in your car.. .for your OWN car. \r\n\r\n8. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.\r\n\r\n9. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.\r\n\r\n10. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday..\r\n\r\n11. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit \"a little warm\".\r\n\r\n12. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.\r\n\r\n13. You know whether another Georgian is from Atlanta, north or south as soon as they open their mouth.\r\n\r\n14. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as\"goin' Wal-martin\"or off to \"Wally World\"\r\n\r\n15. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.\r\n\r\n16. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop.. .it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: \"What kind a coke you want?\"\r\n\r\n17. Fried catfish is the other white meat.\r\n\r\n18. We don't need no stinking driver's ed....if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.\r\n\r\n19. You understand these jokes \r\n\r\n20. You describe 40 degree weather as a cold.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14963,
"title": "Georgia"
},
{
"body": "This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and...\r\n\r\n\"Where does mommy live?\"\r\n\r\n\"Minneapolis.\"\r\n\r\n\"Where does grandma live?\"\r\n\r\n\"Baltimore.\"\r\n\r\n\"Where does grandpa live?\"\r\n\r\n\"Baltimore.\"\r\n\r\n\"And where does daddy live?\"\r\n\r\n\"At work!\"\r\n\r\nNeedless to say, he took the next day off!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14965,
"title": "Where Does Daddy Live?"
},
{
"body": "My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: \r\n\r\nFeeling the Baby Move\r\n\r\nFirst child: I placed my hand on my wife's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hour after hour I waited until that magic moment when I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.\r\n\r\nSecond child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.\r\n\r\nThird child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.\r\n\r\nFourth child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said \"Can't you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep.\" When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14966,
"title": "Parental Evolution I"
},
{
"body": "My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: \r\n\r\nThe Trip to the Hospital\r\n\r\nFirst child: Every time we felt the slightest B & H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.\r\n\r\nSecond child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.\r\n\r\nThird child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.\r\n\r\nFourth child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14967,
"title": "Parental Evolution II"
},
{
"body": "My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: \r\n\r\nThe First Step\r\n\r\nFirst child: My wife grabbed the camera; I grabbed the video camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24\" x 36\" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.\r\n\r\nSecond child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.\r\n\r\nThird child: We couldn't find the video camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.\r\n\r\nFourth child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14968,
"title": "Parental Evolution III"
},
{
"body": "My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: \r\n\r\nThe First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut\r\n\r\nFirst child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.\r\n\r\nSecond child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.\r\n\r\nThird child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.\r\n\r\nFourth child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14969,
"title": "Parental Evolution IV"
},
{
"body": "Chapters In The \"Nascar For Dummies\" Book: How To Read \r\n\r\nIt's Impossible to Own Too Much Dale Earnhardt Memorabilia\r\n\r\nJumpin', Hollerin' & Other Ways to Make Sure Your Favorite Driver Sees You When He Goes By at 230 Miles An Hour\r\n\r\nRoll Down Yer Winder First, *Then* Spit\r\n\r\nSo You Wanna Be A Crew Chief? Remember - Righty-Tighty, Lefty-Loosy\r\n\r\nBetter Places to Put the Grill Than Next to the Winnebago's Propane Tank\r\n\r\nBrakes Are For Sissies\r\n\r\nAdvanced Technical Terms - \"Yeeeehaww!\" \"Whoooodoggie!\" and \"Golldurn!\"\r\n\r\nHow To Say \"Dick Trickle\" Without Snickering\r\n\r\nQuick Prayers for Those Upside-Down Moments\r\n\r\nHow to Drive in a Circle 500 Times Without Getting Dizzy\r\n\r\nThem Cars Are Fast - And LOUD!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 14971,
"title": "Nascar For Dummies Book"
},
{
"body": "A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.\r\n\r\nThey said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.\r\n\r\nNow, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.\r\n\r\nThe mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, \"Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?\"\r\n\r\nThe preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, \"Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 14972,
"title": "Jackass"
},
{
"body": "Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, \"Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat.\"\r\n\r\nPushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. \"My dear Mr. Wilson,\" she gushed, \"fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why, you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!\"\r\n \r\nThe sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, \"Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see if she can get your husband out of jail.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14973,
"title": "Embarrass Meant"
},
{
"body": "How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\n\r\nNone, it turned itself in.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 14974,
"title": "Helping the Boys in Blue"
},
{
"body": "Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop.\r\n\r\nOne guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment.\r\n\r\nThe first guy was charged with breaking and entering; and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14975,
"title": "Oh, Those Lawbreakers!"
},
{
"body": "The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3\r\n\r\nYou are under arrest and....\r\n\r\n1. No, I don't care who you are.\r\n2. No, I don't care who you know.\r\n3. Yes, you DO pay my salary.\r\n4. Yes, you CAN have my job.\r\n5. No, I don't have anything better to do.\r\n6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.\r\n7. No, I am not picking on you because you are __________ (fill in any ethnic group/race).\r\n8. No, I cannot give you a break.\r\n9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________.\r\n10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.\r\n11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.\r\n12. No, we can't talk about it.\r\n13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.\r\n14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.\r\n\r\nThank you, have a nice day.\r\n\r\nYour Arresting Officer __________",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14976,
"title": "Miranda"
},
{
"body": "Five policemen were on a boat. The boat sank. How many policemen died?\r\n\r\n\r\n10 - five during the accident, and five during the re-enactment.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14977,
"title": "The Boat Sank"
},
{
"body": "Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding. Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.\r\nThe cop walked up to the window and said, \"You know how fast you were going, BOY?\"\r\nBob thought for a second and said, \"Uhh, 35?\"\r\n\"SIXTY-SEVEN mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!\" said the cop.\r\n\"But if you already knew, officer,\" replied Bob, \"Why did you ask me?\"\r\nFuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, \"That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!\" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, \"You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!\"\r\nBob answered, \"I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!\"\r\nThe cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, \"What kind of a job would a bum like you have?\"\r\n\"I'm a rectum stretcher!\" replied Bob.\r\n\"What you say, BOY?\" asked the patrolman.\r\n\"I'm a rectum stretcher!\"\r\nThe cop, scratching his head, asked, \"What does a rectum stretcher do?\"\r\nBob explained, \"People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across.\"\r\nThe cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, \"What the heck do you do with a six foot @$$hole?\"\r\n\r\nBob answered, \"You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 14978,
"title": "Bob And The Cop"
},
{
"body": "How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?\r\n\r\nNone. He fell.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 14979,
"title": "Down Stairs"
},
{
"body": "How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\n\r\nJust one, but he is never around when you need him.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 14980,
"title": "How Many?"
},
{
"body": "Recently the following undocumented Windows 98 error-codes were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the Internet:\r\n\r\nWinErr: 001\r\nWindows loaded - System in danger\r\n\r\nWinErr: 002\r\nNo Error - Yet\r\n\r\nWinErr: 003\r\nDynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file\r\n\r\nWinErr: 004\r\nErroneous error - Nothing is wrong\r\n\r\nWinErr: 005\r\nMultitasking attempted - System confused\r\n\r\nWinErr: 006\r\nMalicious error - Desqview found on drive\r\n\r\nWinErr: 007\r\nSystem price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware\r\n\r\nWinErr: 008\r\nBroken window - Watch out for glass fragments\r\n\r\nWinErr: 009\r\nHorrible bug encountered - God only knows what has happened\r\n\r\nWinErr: 00A\r\nPromotional literature overflow - Mailbox full\r\n\r\nWinErr: 00B\r\nInadequate disk space - Free at least 500MB\r\n\r\nWinErr: 00C\r\nMemory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!\r\n\r\nWinErr: 00D\r\nWindow closed - Do not look outside\r\n\r\nWinErr: 00E\r\nWindow open - Do not look inside\r\n\r\nWinErr: 00F\r\nUnexplained error - Please tell us how this happened\r\n\r\nWinErr: 010\r\nReserved for future mistakes by our developers\r\n\r\nWinErr: 013\r\nUnexpected error - Huh ?\r\n\r\nWinErr: 014\r\nKeyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 018\r\nUnrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows license is not valid anymore.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 019\r\nUser error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!\r\n\r\nWinErr: 01A\r\nOperating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software... Yet again.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 01B\r\nIllegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 01C\r\nUncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 01D\r\nSystem crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 01E\r\nTiming error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 01F\r\nReserved for future mistakes of our developers.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 020\r\nError recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 042\r\nVirus error - A virus has been activated in a DOS session. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 079\r\nMouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 103\r\nError buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 678\r\nThis will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?\r\n\r\nWinErr: 683\r\nTime out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 815\r\nInsufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 bytes available.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 844\r\nCompeting Product - Remove all competing products and install Microsoft equivalents.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 910\r\nPersonal Data Communicate Difficulties - Could not transmit social insurance number and or tax details back to Microsoft headquarters for further analysis.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 960\r\nMinimal Effort - User has only reinstalled Internet Explorer four times while trying to get it operational, please reinstall again.\r\n\r\nWinErr: 2000\r\nYou have not downloaded your daily Y2K and security glitch patch.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 14984,
"title": "Windows 98 Errors"
},
{
"body": "A woman took her next-door neighbor with her when she went to the police station to report her husband was missing.\r\n\"Could you give me a description of your husband ma'am?\" the officer asked.\r\n\"He's 35 years old, 6 foot 2, weighs approximately 190 pounds, has a very athletic build, gorgeous blue eyes, dark hair, is very soft spoken and wonderful with the children,\" the woman replied.\r\n\"Wait a minute!\" the neighbor protested. \"Your husband is 5 foot 4, bald, fat, has brown eyes, a very big mouth and is mean to your children.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, but who wants HIM back?\" the woman said.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14985,
"title": "Missing Person Report"
},
{
"body": "A young man was in the process of taking a verbal exam to join the local police force.\r\n\"If you're driving a police car, alone on a country road at night, and are being chased by a group of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?\" he was asked.\r\n\r\nWithout hesitation, the young man replied, \"Seventy!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14986,
"title": "Can't Catch Me!"
},
{
"body": "A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light, where it wasn't allowed.\r\n\r\n\"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!\" he said.\r\n\r\n\"That's OK, Dad,\" his son replied. \"The police car right behind us did the same thing.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 14987,
"title": "Illegal Turn"
},
{
"body": "A veteran officer with 18 years is running radar on a main street of a rural town. Along comes a young driver in a brand new sports car going 48 mph in a 30 mph zone. The officer stops the young man and explains the violation.\r\n\r\nThe driver becomes belligerent telling the officer his badge did not mean a thing. The young driver tells the officer to go ahead and write the ticket because his father knows people that will make the ticket \"go away\".\r\n\r\nWhile the officer completes the ticket the young driver continues his barrage of insults.\r\n\r\nWithout flinching the officer completes the ticket and hands the young driver his copies.\r\n\r\nThe driver looks at his copies and becomes very agitated. The driver said, \"What the #$@%& do you think you are doing? I thought you said I was doing 48 in a 30. You wrote 88 in a 30?\"\r\n\r\nThe officer said, \"Forty-eight, eighty-eight, what's the difference? Your dad is going to make it go away anyway.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14988,
"title": "Go Away!"
},
{
"body": "This is supposedly a true story, it happened in a small town of the province of Quebec, Canada, in October 1996. They showed the video surveillance tape on the news, and even the anchorman was laughing through it.\r\n\r\nA robber came into a convenience store wearing a ski mask and a gun wanting to empty the cash register. He took the clerk to the back of the store and locked her up in the fridge. Unfortunately, when he came back to the front of the store, a customer had come in. So he took *off* the ski mask and the gloves, and pretended to be filling in for the clerk. The customer wanted a lottery ticket, so he tried to help her out, pressing a whole bunch of buttons on the machine (thus leaving fingerprints everywhere), but the machine was not cooperating.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, another customer walks in. Finally, he tells the first customer (after about 5 minutes of close-up shots from the camera) that the machine is not working and that he won't be able to help her. The robber *makes the sale* to the second customer and he leaves as well.\r\n\r\nThe robber then puts back on his gloves to take the money (after touching just about everything in sight *without* gloves), and hides his face with the palm of his hands as he is leaving. This scene lasted well over 10 minutes, during which, you see and hear the robber as well as in a movie.\r\n\r\nThe day after excerpts of the tape were aired, the phones at the police station were ringing off the hook. Apparently, even though no reward had been offered, people thought he was too stupid to deserve anything else!\r\n\r\nHe had to turn himself in that same day.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14990,
"title": "You Couldn't Make It Up!"
},
{
"body": "16 Ways of Knowing You're in the Desert\r\nYou no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.\r\nYou can say 110 degrees without fainting.\r\nYou eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.\r\nYou can make instant sun tea.\r\nYou learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.\r\nThe temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.\r\nYou discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.\r\nYou discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.\r\nYou notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.\r\nHot water now comes out of both taps.\r\nIt's July, it's noon, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.\r\nYou actually burn your hand opening the car door.\r\nYou break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.\r\nNo one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.\r\nYour biggest bicycle wreck fear is, \"What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?\"\r\nYou realize that asphalt has a liquid state.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 14993,
"title": "You're in the Desert"
},
{
"body": "Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get tired answering the same questions over and over. One time an English tourist was giving his guide an especially hard time with silly questions. They were walking through a mountain valley that was strewn with rocks, and the traveler asked, \"How did these rocks get here?\"\r\n\r\n\"Sir,\" said the guide, \"they were brought down by a glacier.\"\r\n\r\nThe tourist peered up the mountain and said, \"But I don't see any glacier.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, really?\" said the guide. \"I guess it has gone back for more rocks.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 14994,
"title": "Where Glacier?"
},
{
"body": "Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 14995,
"title": "Thor"
},
{
"body": "She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - she is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.\r\n\r\nShe has not BEEN AROUND - she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.\r\n\r\nShe does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - she commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.\r\n\r\nShe does not GO SHOPPING - she is MALL FLUENT.\r\n\r\nShe is not an AIR HEAD - she is REALITY IMPAIRED.\r\n\r\nShe does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.\r\n\r\nShe does not get FAT or CHUBBY - she achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.\r\n\r\nShe is not COLD or FRIGID - she is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.\r\n\r\nShe does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - she has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.\r\n\r\nShe does not NAG YOU - she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14998,
"title": "How to be Politically Correct With Women I"
},
{
"body": "She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - she is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.\r\n\r\nShe is not a BAD COOK - she is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.\r\n\r\nShe does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - she is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.\r\n\r\nShe is not CONCEITED - she is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.\r\n\r\nShe does not want to be MARRIED - she wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.\r\n\r\nShe does not GAIN WEIGHT - she is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.\r\n\r\nShe does not TEASE or FLIRT - she engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.\r\n\r\nShe is not DUMB - she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.\r\n\r\nShe is not TOO SKINNY - she is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.\r\n\r\nShe does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - she is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 14999,
"title": "How to be Politically Correct With Women II"
},
{
"body": "Q: What is the mating call of a blonde? \r\n\r\n\r\nA: \"I'm drunk!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15000,
"title": "Blonde's Mating Call"
},
{
"body": "A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, \"If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!\"\r\n\r\nThe wife replied, \"My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15002,
"title": "Finances"
},
{
"body": "There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...\r\n\r\nI really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.\r\n\r\nI refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.\r\n\r\nI used to come here all the time with my ex.\r\n\r\nCould you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.\r\n\r\nI really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.\r\n\r\nIt's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15005,
"title": "Dating Hints For Gentlemen"
},
{
"body": "After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.\r\n\r\n\"How about some perfume?\" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.\r\n\r\n\"That's a bit much,\" said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.\r\n\r\n\"That's still quite a bit,\" Tom groused.\r\n\r\nGrowing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.\r\n\r\nTom grew agitated, \"What I mean,\" he said, \"is I'd like to see something really cheap.\"\r\n\r\nSo the clerk handed him a mirror.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15007,
"title": "Toooooo Much!"
},
{
"body": "It was Christmas, and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, \"What are you charged with?\"\r\n\r\n\"Doing my Christmas shopping early,\" replied the defendant.\r\n\r\n\"Surely that's no offense,\" said the judge. \"How early were you doing this shopping?\"\r\n\r\n\"Before the store opened.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15008,
"title": "Shopping Early"
},
{
"body": "Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, \"I'll bet you don't know what day this is.\"\r\n\r\n\"Of course I do,\" he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.\r\n\r\nAt 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.\r\n\r\nThe woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.\r\n\r\n\"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!\" she exclaimed. \r\n\r\n\"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15009,
"title": "What Day is Today?"
},
{
"body": "The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.\r\n\r\n\"Here,\" he said to the waitress, holding out a piece of meat for inspection, \"do you call that pig?\"\r\n\r\n\"Which end of the fork, sir?\" the waitress asked.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15010,
"title": "Piiiiiiiig!"
},
{
"body": "Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They were sitting down on a bench to rest when they heard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose.\r\n\r\nNot wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, \"Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them.\"\r\n\r\nMurphy said, \"Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15011,
"title": "Give a Little Whistle"
},
{
"body": "Murphy said to his daughter, \"I want you home by eleven o'clock.\"\r\n\r\nShe said, \"But Father, I'm no longer a child!\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"I know, that's why I want you home by eleven.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15012,
"title": "Home!"
},
{
"body": "What does NASCAR stand for? \r\nNon \r\n\r\nAthletic \r\n\r\nSport \r\n\r\nCreated \r\n\r\nAround \r\n\r\nRednecks",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 15017,
"title": "NASCAR"
},
{
"body": "A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, \"I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.\"\r\n\r\nThe brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, \"This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" the cook said. \"Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, OK!\" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.\r\n\r\nThe trucker asked, \"What are the beans for, Blondie?\"\r\n\r\nShe replied, \"I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15024,
"title": "Three Flat Tires"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the woman who had sex with a donkey?\r\n\r\nApparently she liked an ass.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15027,
"title": "Animal Sex"
},
{
"body": "My boyfriend was working in the souvenir shop at the Canterbury Cathedral in Kent, England. One afternoon he was talking with an attendant who worked in the cathedral when they were approached by two tourists. \"Are you a monk?\" one of the women asked. \"No,\" the attendant explained, \"I wear this robe as part of my job, but I'm not a member of any religious order.\" \"Then where are the monks?\" asked the woman. The man replied, \"Oh, there haven't been any monks here since 1415.\" Hearing this, the woman looked at her watch and announced to her friend, \"Betty, we missed the monks.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15028,
"title": "Just Missed Them"
},
{
"body": "Touring Ireland's countryside with a group of travel writers, we passed an immaculate cemetery with hundreds of beautiful headstones set in a field of emerald-green grass. Everyone reached for their cameras when the tour guide said the inventor of the crossword puzzle was buried there. He pointed out the location, \"Three down and four across.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15029,
"title": "Crossword Death"
},
{
"body": "Once there were two farmers; one had a daughter and the other had a son. When their kids were teenagers they started dating, and the two farmers encouraged it. One day the girl's father went over to the other farmer's house and said that he didn't want their children dating any more. The boy's father asked, \"Why not?\"\r\nThe other farmer said, \"Come here and I'll show you.\" In his yard was the girl's name written in pee in the snow.\r\n\r\nThe boy's father said, \"Oh, come on, that's just boy stuff.\"\r\n\r\nThe other farmer said, \"You think I don't know my own daughter's handwriting?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15030,
"title": "Don't Eat the Yellow Snow"
},
{
"body": "One radio station prank took place on April Fool's Day. They announced that the phone company would be cleaning the dirt out of the phone lines that afternoon. They do it, as it seems, by blowing air into the wires in the switching station. The problem is that the dirt comes out of the earpiece and mouthpiece of the telephone and could dirty the rugs or furniture in your house.\r\n\r\nConsequently, the phone company asks that the good citizens please get plastic bags and put them over the handsets of the telephones to protect their belongings.\r\n\r\nStores reported a run on plastic bags, and the phone company made the radio station retract the original claim.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15034,
"title": "April Fool's I"
},
{
"body": "Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually very hard to get one for the kiddies.\r\n\r\nA radio station (I don't know where) announced that Mattel was going to get Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people of this particular city.\r\n\r\nThe plan was that they had to go to the football field of the local university and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and the dolls would be dropped onto the field.\r\n\r\nPeople were supposed to hold their credit cards up so that a photographer with a telephoto lens in the airplane could get the credit card numbers and charge the price of the dolls to the recipients' accounts.\r\n\r\nPeople actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15035,
"title": "April Fool's II"
},
{
"body": "It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.\r\n\r\n\"Please let me in,\" says the man desperately. \"I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one.\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay,\" says the butcher, \"let me see what I have left.\" He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.\r\n\r\n\"That one is too skinny. What else have you got?\" says the man.\r\n\r\nThe butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, no,\" says the man, \"That one doesn't look any better. You'd better give me both of them!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15036,
"title": "'Nother Thanksgiving Joke!"
},
{
"body": "A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she's not feeling well.\r\n\r\n\"What's the matter?\" he asks.\r\n\r\n\"I have a case of anal glaucoma,\" she says in a weak voice.\r\n\r\n\"What in the hell is anal glaucoma?\" he inquires.\r\n\r\n\"Well, I just can't see my ass coming to work today.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15038,
"title": "Calling In Sick"
},
{
"body": "A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.\r\n\r\nHis lawyer argued, \"Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years.\"\r\n\r\n\"Your Honor,\" the plaintiff's lawyer retored, \"if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15039,
"title": "Going By Experience"
},
{
"body": "An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.\r\n\r\nThe concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.\r\n\r\nThirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up at the door with the pizza.\r\n\r\nThe businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, \"What the heck did you put on this pizza?\"\r\n\r\nThe delivery man bows deeply and says, \"We put on pizza what you order: pepper only.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15040,
"title": "The Pizza"
},
{
"body": "While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. \"How does that thing work?\" she asked. \r\n\r\nAs I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed. \"I see ... it's a lot like my husband,\" she said. \"You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15044,
"title": "Candy Dispenser"
},
{
"body": "A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, \"Paul has to go to the principal's office.\" \r\n\r\n\"I wonder why,\" the teacher mused. \r\n\r\n\"Because he's a following person,\" Alice replied. \r\n\r\n\"A what?\" the teacher asked. \r\n\r\n\"It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15045,
"title": "A Following Person"
},
{
"body": "How many dicks can a redneck girl take at a time? \r\n\r\nIt depends on how many brothers she has.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15047,
"title": "How Many"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama is so poor she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 15048,
"title": "Yo Mama So Stupid"
},
{
"body": "A Thanksgiving Cookbook\r\nby Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class.\r\n\r\nNOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook.\r\n\r\n\r\nIvette - Banana Pie\r\nYou buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it.\r\n\r\nRussell - Turkey\r\nYou cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.\r\n\r\nGeremy - Turkey\r\nYou buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat.\r\n\r\nAndrew - Pizza\r\nBuy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.\r\n\r\nShelby - Apple Sauce\r\nGo to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, \"Apple Sauce\". Then you eat it.\r\n\r\nJordan - Cranberry Pie\r\nPut cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15050,
"title": "A Thanksgiving Cookbook I"
},
{
"body": "A Thanksgiving Cookbook\r\nby Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class\r\n\r\nNOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook.\r\n\r\n\r\nMeghan H. - Turkey\r\nYou cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. You take it out and let it cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it.\r\n\r\nMegan K - Chicken\r\nYou put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on it and eat it.\r\n\r\nChrista - Cookies\r\nBuy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it's time to eat them.\r\n\r\nJordan Simons - Chocolate Pudding\r\nBuy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.\r\n\r\nTommy - Pumpkin\r\nCook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin.\r\n\r\nJoplyn - Apple Pie\r\nTake some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape. Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15051,
"title": "A Thanksgiving Cookbook II"
},
{
"body": "A Thanksgiving Cookbook\r\nby Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class\r\n\r\nNOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook.\r\n\r\n\r\nJason - Chicken Pie\r\nPut the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then you eat it.\r\n\r\nChristopher - Pumpkin Pie\r\nFirst you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.\r\n\r\nChristine - Turkey\r\nFirst you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees. Then you cut it up and you eat it.\r\n\r\nIsabelle - Spaghetti\r\nPut those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.\r\n\r\nOlivia - Corn\r\nGet hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then put it on a plate. Then eat. \r\n\r\nNicholas - White and Brown Pudding\r\nFirst you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it.\r\n\r\nJarryd - Deer Jerky\r\nPut it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15052,
"title": "A Thanksgiving Cookbook III"
},
{
"body": "Special Cheesecake\r\nOne of my co-workers decided it was time to shed some excess weight. She took her new diet so seriously that she even changed her driving route to avoid her favorite bakery. One morning, however, she arrived at work carrying a gigantic cheesecake. We all scolded her, but her smile remained cherubic.\r\n\r\n\"This is a very special cheesecake,\" she explained. \"I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious cheesecakes, let me have a parking spot directly in front of the bakery', and sure enough,\" she continued, \"the ninth time around the block, there it was!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15053,
"title": "SPECIAL Cheesecake"
},
{
"body": "An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.\r\n \r\nAs soon as he got through the door, his wife started on about, \"What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?\" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak - pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. \r\nWhile he was in the bath the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. \r\n\r\nAs she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.\r\n\r\n\"They're not hanging Wright tonight,\" she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, \"For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop?\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15054,
"title": "Hanging Right"
},
{
"body": "A little boy put on his baseball uniform and went outside to play, chanting \"I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!\" He throws the ball in the air, swings and misses. Strike one!\r\n\r\nHe adjusts his hat and says, \"I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!\"\r\n\r\nHe throws the ball in the air, swings and misses. Strike two!\r\n\r\nHe adjusts his hat a little more, takes a couple of practice swings and says, \"I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!\"\r\n\r\nOnce more, he throws the ball in the air, swings and misses again. Strike three!\r\n\r\nHe thinks for a few moments about what just took place, then says, \"I'm the best pitcher in the world!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15057,
"title": "World's Best Baseball Hitter"
},
{
"body": "While visiting a relative in Chicago, a University of Alabama student went to a party where he met a very attractive co-ed. Attempting to strike up a conversation with her, he asked, \"Where does you go to school?\"\r\n\r\nThe co-ed, not at all impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, thought she would at least be polite and answer.\r\n\r\n\"Yale,\" she said.\r\n\r\nTaking a deep breath, the UA student shouted, \"I says, where does you go to school?\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15058,
"title": "School?"
},
{
"body": "Why do the Arkansas cheerleaders wear bibs?\r\n\r\n\r\nTo keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15059,
"title": "Cheerleaders"
},
{
"body": "Bubba finally agreed to take his wife, Sue Ellen, to a play. They had hardly sat down when he jumped up and said \"Sue Ellen, we gotta go!\"\r\n\r\nWith Sue Ellen in tow, Bubba stomped out to the foyer, demanded his money back, and they left the theater.\r\n\r\nWhen they got out onto the sidewalk, Sue Ellen said, \"Now you tell me what's wrong, Bubba Leroy, and you tell me right now, or I ain't goin' another step.\"\r\n\r\nBubba said, \"Sue Ellen, I ain't no fool and I'm an only child. We done paid $20 of egg money for this here play and I heard somebody say that the second act was 10 years later! We ain't got that kinda money to be wastin' on play actin' when we ain't even sure where we gonna be in 10 years.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15060,
"title": "No Money To Waste"
},
{
"body": "The children in the Sunday school class were asked by their teacher to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. When she looked at little Ricky's picture, she was puzzled to see that he had drawn four people in an airplane, so she asked him which story it represented.\r\n\r\nLittle Ricky replied, \"That's the Flight to Egypt.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, I see,\" said the teacher. \"That must be Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus, but who's the fourth person?\"\r\n\r\n\"That's Pontius ... the Pilot!\" answered Ricky.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15061,
"title": "Flight to Egypt"
},
{
"body": "One Sunday morning, a man attended the service at the local church. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that he stopped to shake his hand. \"Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I have ever heard,\" the man said.\r\n\r\n\"Thank you, sir,\" the Reverend replied, \"but I must ask that you not use profanity in the Lord's house.\"\r\n\r\n\"Sorry, Reverend, I just can't help myself,\" said the man, \"that was just such a damn good sermon.\"\r\n\r\n\"Sir, please,\" replied the Reverend. \"Again I ask you not to use profanity in church.\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay, Reverend,\" the man said. \"I just want you to know that I thought it was so damn good that I put $5000 in the collection plate.\"\r\n\r\n\"No shit!\" exclaimed the Reverend.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15062,
"title": "A Moving Sermon"
},
{
"body": "Attending her first confession, the new nun tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.\r\n\r\n\"Sister Dominique,\" the priest says, your secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.\"\r\n\r\n\"Father,\" she says, \"I never wear underwear under my habit.\"\r\n\r\nWith a little chuckle, the priest says, \"That is not too serious, Sister Dominique. For penance, say three Hail Marys, three Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15063,
"title": "Nun's Secret"
},
{
"body": "The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.\r\nHe gave the organist a copy of the service and asked her if she could come up with some kind of inspirational music to play, after he made the announcement about the finances, to help put the congregation in a giving mood.\r\n\r\n\"Don't worry, I'll come up with something,\" she said.\r\n\r\nDuring the service, the minister paused and said, \"Brothers and sisters, we find ourselves in great difficulty. The cost of the roof repairs is twice as much as we expected, and we need $4000 more. Any of you who are able to pledge $100 or more, please stand up.\"\r\n\r\nAt that moment, the organist began playing, \"The Star Spangled Banner.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15064,
"title": "Dough Nations"
},
{
"body": "The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a fatal three-way car crash and all went to Heaven together.\r\n\"Oh, this is awful,\" exclaimed St. Peter. \"I know you must think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those strange coincidences that happen. We weren't expecting you, so your quarters aren't ready. We can't send you back and we can't take you in.\"\r\n\r\nSuddenly, St. Peter got an idea. He picked up the phone and called Lucifer. \"Lucifer,\" he said, \"this is Peter. We have a bit of a problem. We have three guys up here. They are ours, but we weren't expecting them so we need some time to fix up their quarters. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It should only take us a couple of days. What do you say?\"\r\n\r\nThe devil was reluctant, but he agreed.\r\n\r\nTwo days later, St. Peter received a call. \"Peter, this is Lucifer. Listen, you have to come and get these three clowns. The Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and the Roberts guy has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15069,
"title": "Unexpected Arrivals"
},
{
"body": "During his sermon, the preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike. As he preached, he continued to move briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.\r\nAt one point, he moved to one side and got caught up in the cord, nearly tripping before he jerked it again.\r\n\r\nAfter several circles and jerks, a little girl in the second pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, \"Mommy, if he gets loose, will he hurt us?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15070,
"title": "Wired For Sound"
},
{
"body": "A parish priest calls the Mother Superior into his office and says, \"There is something I must show you. Please come into my private room and close the blinds.\"\r\n\r\n\"Father!\" exclaims the shocked Mother Superior. \"What did you say?\"\r\n\r\n\"What I said was ... \" the priest begins.\r\n\r\n\"I heard what you said ... I just can't believe you're saying it,\" interrupts the Mother Superior.\r\n\r\n\"Well, I really need you to come in,\" the priest says. Curious now, she does as he asks.\r\n\r\n\"Here now, sit on the bed beside me,\" he says.\r\n\r\n\"I must get out of here,\" the nun replies.\r\n\r\n\"Aren't you the least bit curious?\" asks the priest. She is, so she cautiously sits down beside him.\r\n\r\n\"Now get under the covers,\" instructs the priest.\r\n\r\n\"I can't do that!\" she replies.\r\n\r\n\"But it doesn't work otherwise,\" the priest says. After much coaxing, she gets under the covers with him.\r\n\r\n\"Now, come closer,\" he whispers. Nervously, she moves closer to him.\r\n\r\n\"See, my new watch does glow in the dark!!\" he whispers happily.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15071,
"title": "It Only Works In The Dark"
},
{
"body": "On the first day of creation, God created the dog.\r\nOn the second day, God created man to serve the dog.\r\n\r\nOn the third day, God created all the animals of the earth, especially the horse, to serve as potential food for the dog.\r\n\r\nOn the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.\r\n\r\nOn the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.\r\n\r\nOn the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.\r\n\r\nOn the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15072,
"title": "The Creation of Dog"
},
{
"body": "It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen. The elephant complained, \"Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a total fool!\" The Lord said, \"Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink, and water without getting wet!\"\r\n\r\nNext the giraffe complained, \"Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people point and laugh at me!\" The Lord said, \"Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a fair distance.\"\r\n\r\nThen the hen spoke up. \"Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger ass or smaller eggs.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15073,
"title": "The Complainants"
},
{
"body": "Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Pete says, \"Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want.\"\r\n\r\nThe first nun says, \"I want to be Bo Derek,\" and - POOF - she's gone.\r\n\r\nThe second says, \"I want to be Madonna,\" and - POOF - she's gone.\r\n\r\nThe third says, \"I want to be Virginia Pepalini.\"\r\n\r\nSt Peter looks perplexed. \"Who?\" he says.\r\n\r\n\"Virginia Pepalini,\" replies the nun.\r\n\r\nSt. Peter shakes his head and says, \"I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell.\"\r\n\r\nThe nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.\r\n\r\nHe hands it back to her and says, \"No, Sister, this says the Virginia Pipeline was laid by 500 men in 7 days!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15074,
"title": "Virginia Pepalini"
},
{
"body": "On our last venture out for Christmas shopping, we had bought a few gadgets for the younguns and then realized we didn't have any batteries.\r\n\r\nI stepped over to the counter to get the batteries, but I couldn't attract any clerk's attention.\r\n\r\nI waited a while then said to April, \"I'll get someone's attention. Stay right here.\" With that, I pulled out a tape measure I just happened to have with me, and started to \"measure\" one of those large screen plasma television sets. You know, the ones that go for about $4000.\r\n\r\nAmazingly, a clerk almost leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side.\r\n\r\n\"Sir! Can I help you?\" he exclaimed.\r\n\r\n\"Yeah, you can. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15075,
"title": "Attention Please!"
},
{
"body": "A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Oahu for a week, all expenses paid. When he enters his hotel room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed.\r\n\r\nHe picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, \"Where is your respect? As your rabbi, I am extremely angry with you.\"\r\n\r\nHearing this, the girl immediately gets up and starts to get dressed.\r\n\r\nHe says, \"Where are you going? I'm not angry with you...\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15076,
"title": "Where's Your Respect?"
},
{
"body": "An engaged couple met with their pastor to set the date for their wedding. During the meeting, the pastor asked them whether they preferred to have a contemporary or a traditional service. They chose a contemporary service.\r\n\r\nOn the day of the big event there was a major storm, which caused the groom to take a different route to the church. Since the streets were flooded, he rolled up his trouser legs to keep his trousers dry.\r\n\r\nWhen he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.\r\n\r\n\"Pull down your pants,\" whispered the pastor.\r\n\r\n\"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind,\" the groom replied. \"I think I would prefer the traditional service.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15077,
"title": "Contemporary or Traditional"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny had the flu and wasn't able to attend the Palm Sunday church service with his family.\r\n\r\nWhen they returned home from the service, they were carrying palm branches. \"What are those?\" Little Johnny asked his mother.\r\n\r\n\"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by,\" his mother explained.\r\n\r\n\"Well, doesn't that just figure,\" grumbled Little Johnny. \"The one Sunday I can't go to church, and Jesus shows up!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15078,
"title": "Palm Sunday"
},
{
"body": "The Reverend Paul Fuzz was the pastor of a small congregation in a little town. One day, as he was walking down Main Street, he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking. He felt this was very sinful and definitely not something a member of his congregation should do. He entered the bar and sat down next to the woman.\r\n\r\n\"Mrs. Thomson,\" the Reverend said sternly, \"this is no place for a member of my congregation to be. Why don't you let me take you home?\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay,\" slurred the very drunk woman.\r\n\r\nWhen Mrs. Thomson stood up, she began to weave back and forth. Realizing she had had far too much to drink, the Reverend grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and fell to the floor.\r\n\r\nAfter rolling around for a few seconds, the Reverend ended up laying on top of her, her skirt hiked up to her waist.\r\n\r\nThe bartender looked over the bar and said, \"Listen here, buddy, this isn't the place for that!\"\r\n\r\nThe Reverend looked up at the bartender and said, \"But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz.\"\r\n\r\nThe bartender nodded and said, \"Oh hell, if you're in that far, I guess you may as well finish up!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15079,
"title": "This Isn't The Place For That!"
},
{
"body": "The preschoolers' Sunday school teacher told them that she wanted each of them to learn one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The next Sunday, she asked each of them what they had learned.\r\n\r\n\"I learned that he was born in a manger,\" said Julie.\r\n\r\nTimmy said, \"I learned that he threw the money changers out of the temple.\"\r\n\r\n\"What about you, Johnny? What did you learn?\" the teacher asked.\r\n\r\n\"He has a pick-up truck and he doesn't know how to drive,\" replied Little Johnny.\r\n\r\nCurious, the teacher asked, \"And where did you learn that, Johnny?\"\r\n\r\n\"I learned it from Daddy,\" Little Johnny explained. \"When we were driving down the highway, a pick-up truck cut right in front of us and Daddy shouted, \"Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15080,
"title": "Jesus Christ!"
},
{
"body": "One night, a mother was walking past her young daughter's room when she saw the little girl kneeling by her bed, head bowed, hands folded, reciting the alphabet.\r\n\r\n\"What are you doing, sweetheart?\" the mother asked.\r\n\r\n\"I'm saying my prayers, Mommy,\" replied the little girl, \"but I couldn't think of what I wanted to say, so I'm saying the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together whichever way He feels is best.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15081,
"title": "Reciting The Alphabet"
},
{
"body": "Virgin Mary wanted to visit Hell, so she went to God and asked if she might do so. \"Yes,\" God said. \"I have only one warning for you. You must stay away from booze, drugs and men. Will you promise me so?\" \"Yes,\" Virgin Mary said. \"And remember to call me every night,\" God said, before Virgin Mary left.\r\nSo, in the first night, the telephone rang in Heaven. \"Heaven,\" God answered. \"Hello, it\u00c2\u00b4s Virgin Mary here ... I'm sorry to tell you, but I am a bit drunk ... I couldn't resist the temptation. Will you forgive me?\" asked Virgin Mary. \"Yes I will. Now stay clear of drugs and men, will you? And call me tomorrow,\" said God.\r\n\r\nThe following night, the phone rang in Heaven. \"Heaven,\" God answered. \"It\u00c2\u00b4s Virgin Mary here. I'm sorry to say, but I'm a bit high ... I couldn't resist the temptation. Will you forgive me?\" asked Virgin Mary. \"Yes I will. Now stay clear of men, will you? And call me tomorrow,\" God said.\r\n\r\nThe next night, the phone rang in Heaven. God answered, \"Heaven.\"\r\n\r\n\"It's Mary here,\" said the voice on the other end.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15082,
"title": "Virgin Mary"
},
{
"body": "Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.\r\n\r\nCharlie said that he did not take any of the offering.\r\n\r\nThe priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offering, so the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.\r\n\r\nThe priest then asked him again, \"Charlie, did you take any of the offering?\" This time, Charlie replied, \"I can't hear you.\"\r\n\r\nThe priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, \"I can't hear you.\"\r\n\r\nFinally, the priest yelled, \"CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?\" Again, the reply was, \"I can't hear you.\"\r\n\r\nThe priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, \"Trade places with me and you can ask me a question.\"\r\n\r\nSo, they traded places and Charlie asked, \"Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?\"\r\n\r\nTo which the priest replied, \"By golly, you can't hear in here!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15083,
"title": "Having Trouble Hearing"
},
{
"body": "Why don't politicians ever consider being gynocologists? \r\n\r\n\r\nThey would have to deal with too much Bush every day!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 15084,
"title": "Bush"
},
{
"body": "Actual Anti-War Slogans for the War on Iraq\r\n\r\nThese colors don't run the world.\r\nOne nation under surveillance.\r\nIt's the oil, stupid.\r\nWar is expensive, Peace is priceless.\r\nRead between the Pipelines\r\nNo More BuSh.\r\nSmart weapons, Dumb president.\r\nThe only thing we have to fear is Bush himself.\r\nHow many Lives per Gallon?\r\nPatriots are idiots! Matriarchy Now!\r\nPeace Takes Brains\r\nAnything war can do, peace can do better.\r\nNegotiation Not Annihilation.\r\nAnother patriot for peace.\r\nHow did our oil get under their sand?\r\nGo Solar, not Ballistic.\r\nWho Would Jesus Bomb?\r\nStart Drafting SUV Drivers Now.\r\nDon't blame me, I voted with the majority.\r\nBuck Fush!\r\nResistance is Fertile.\r\n(Pictures of sheep carrying flags) Stop Mad Sheep Disease Now.\r\n(UFW sign) Pick Fruit, not Fights.\r\n(On a five year old) More Candy Less War.\r\nSay can you see my democracy?\r\n(With pictures of Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld) Asses of Evil.\r\nDrop Bush, Not Bombs\r\nOh Say can You Cease?\r\nStar Spangled Bummer\r\nDon't Arm a Son of a Bush\r\nDon't do it George, Dad will still love you.\r\nPower to the Peaceful\r\nThe last time we listened to a Bush, we wandered in the desert for 40 years.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 15085,
"title": "Anti War Slogans"
},
{
"body": "Q. What do elfs learn while in school?\r\n\r\nA. The elfabet!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15086,
"title": "Elfs"
},
{
"body": "A group of nuns was traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. \"Son-of-a-bitch!\" he screamed.\r\n\r\n\"Sir, that is inappropriate language,\" the eldest nun said. \"We understand you're upset, but must you use such language?\"\r\n\r\n\"My apologies, Sister,\" he replied, and tried again. It slipped again and nearly smashed his fingers. \"Son-of-a-bitch!\" he screamed.\r\n\r\n\"Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language,\" the nun scolded. \"If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would be best if you didn't help us.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out,\" the trucker replied.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the nun, \"say something else when you get upset. Say something like 'Dear Lord, help me'.\"\r\n\r\nOnce more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it slipped. He began to blurt out \"Son ... \" but quickly caught himself and said, \"Dear Lord, help me.\"\r\n\r\nAt that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.\r\n\r\nStaring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, \"Son-of-a-bitch!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15088,
"title": "Inappropriate Language"
},
{
"body": "One day, God was talking to St. Peter.\r\n\r\nGod said, \"I am not very happy with all the sinners in the world. I should send a letter to each of them and tell them what they are doing wrong and they must stop, or they will not come to Heaven when they die.\"\r\n\r\n\"I have a better idea,\" St. Peter said. \"We should send letters to all the people who are doing good things and congratulate them on being accepted into Heaven when they pass on.\"\r\n\r\nGod agreed, so they sent out the letters. Do you know what the letters said?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nWhat, you mean you didn't get one?",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15089,
"title": "Letter From God"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock..\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nPanther....\r\n\r\nPanther who?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nPanth-er no panth I'm goin' thwimmin'!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 15090,
"title": "Panther...."
},
{
"body": "Marg and Sam invited a couple over for a evening of bridge.\r\n\"Sam,\" Marg said, \"this is the last couple that will ever accept an invitation to come to our house. If you dare to do anything to offend them tonight, I will crucify you!\"\r\n\r\nAfter they played for a while, Marg went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. When she returned, she saw that Sam was sitting at the table by himself.\r\n\r\nShe put the tray down and said, \"What did you do to run them off this time?\"\r\n\r\n\"I didn't do anything,\" Sam replied. \"We were just sitting here and a mouse ran across the floor. Sue looked at me and said that we can get rid of mice by shoving steel wool into their little holes. All I asked was, 'How do you hold their little feet?' They both got up and left.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15091,
"title": "Bridge Over Troubled Water"
},
{
"body": "An old guy was wandering around a supermarket calling out - \"Crisco? Crisco? C-R-I-S-C-O!\"\r\n\r\nFinally, a clerk approached him and said, \"Sir, the Crisco in on aisle seven.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh,\" the old guy said, \"I'm not looking for Crisco. I'm calling my wife.\"\r\n\r\n\"Your wife's name is Crisco?\" the puzzled clerk asked.\r\n\r\n\"Hell, no,\" the old guy said. \"I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh? Well, what do you call her when you're not in the supermarket?\" asked the clerk.\r\n\r\n\"Lard Ass!\" replied the old guy.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15092,
"title": "Looking For Crisco"
},
{
"body": "Ted and Alice were thrilled when their long wait to adopt a baby finally came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had an adorable German baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.\r\n\r\nOn the way home from the adoption center, they stopped at the local college so they could enroll in night classes. After they completed filling out the form, the registrar inquired, \"What possessed you to study German?\"\r\n\r\n\"We've just adopted a wonderful German baby boy and in a year or so, he'll begin to talk. We want to make sure we're able to understand him!\" the couple proudly explained.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15093,
"title": "The Adoption"
},
{
"body": "An elderly couple were on a road trip and stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. They finished their lunch and it wasn't until they were back on the highway that the old woman realized she had left her glasses behind at the restaurant.\r\n\r\nThey had to continue on the highway for quite some distance before they were able to find a spot to turn around. The old man grumbled and complained all the way back to the restaurant.\r\n\r\nWhen they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, \"While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15094,
"title": "My Glasses!"
},
{
"body": "\"I'm feeling so ashamed of the way we live,\" a wife said to her husband, who preferred to spend his time laying on the couch watching TV, rather than finding a job. \"My father pays our mortgage, my mother buys all of our groceries for us, my sister buys us our clothes, my uncle bought us a car. I'm feeling so ashamed.\"\r\n\r\nThe husband raised his head and replied, \"Well, you should feel ashamed. Those three worthless brothers of yours never even give us a cent!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15095,
"title": "Feeling So Ashamed"
},
{
"body": "A man stumbles into his house after a night of drinking and is greeted by his very angry wife.\r\n\r\n\"What's the big idea of coming home half drunk?\" she yells.\r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry, honey, but I ran out of money,\" he mutters.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 15096,
"title": "Half Drunk"
},
{
"body": "Seven-year-old Timmy had been the center of his parents' lives up until the time his new baby sister came along. He found it very difficult to share their attention and was becoming more and more jealous.\r\n\r\nWhen his little sister was a year old, his parents took him aside and told him that since she was getting bigger, their house was too small, so they would be moving to a bigger house.\r\n\r\n\"Why bother,\" Timmy grumbled, \"She's crawling good now, so she'll probably just follow us.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15097,
"title": "Lovely Little Sister"
},
{
"body": "An elderly man and his wife, vacationing at a cabin by the lake, were sitting on the porch and reminiscing about their younger years.\r\n\r\n\"This is the lake where I learned how to swim when I was a small boy,\" the husband said. \"My father threw me into the water and I had to learn how to dog paddle to get back to the shore or drown. It was sink or swim.\"\r\n\r\n\"That was a cruel thing for your father to do,\" the wife said. \"How could a loving father do such a thing to a small child? That must have been a very difficult way to learn how to swim.\"\r\n\r\n\"Not really,\" replied the husband. \"Learning how to swim was the easy part. Getting out of that burlap bag first was the hard part!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15098,
"title": "Learning How To Swim"
},
{
"body": "This really happened (honest!)\r\n\r\nA bunch of very young girls arrived at our door at Halloween. My Mum, being friendly, asked them whereabouts they lived, because she hadn't seen them before. They replied, \"We live quite near here, where do you live?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15099,
"title": "Trick or Treat!"
},
{
"body": "There was a child who came back from school one day with loads of cuts and bruises and his bike broken. The concerned mother asked him what had happened. So, the child says \"Well, when the fridge landed on me...\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15101,
"title": "The Fridge"
},
{
"body": "This really happened (honest!)\r\n\r\nA man was receiving death threats from another man, so he took him to court. The judge threw the case out on the basis that \"the threats obviously hadn't been carried out.\"\r\n\r\n\r\nReally, how stupid can you get?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15102,
"title": "Death Threats"
},
{
"body": "Your email address ends in \"@over.yonder.com\".\r\n\r\nYou have a bumper sticker on your truck that says \"My other computer is a laptop\".\r\n\r\nYou've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.\r\n\r\nYour spell checker knows words like, \"Y'all\", \"Yonder\" and \"Reckon\".\r\n\r\nYou've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.\r\n\r\nYour laptop has a sticker on it that says \"Protected by Smith & Wesson\".\r\n\r\nYou've used jumper cables to wire your network.\r\n\r\nYour wife said \"either she or the computer had to go\" and you still don't miss her.\r\n\r\nYou start all your emails with \"Hey Bubba\", or \"Howdy Y'all\".",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15103,
"title": "Signs You're A High Tech Redneck"
},
{
"body": "The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He answered it and listened intently. After a brief moment, his face lit up with a smile.\r\nHe hung up the phone and immediately called his mother to pass along the good news.\r\n\r\n\"Ma, the results are in,\" he shouted joyously. \"I won the election!\"\r\n\r\n\"Honestly?\" his mother replied.\r\n\r\n\"Aw, gee, Ma, what a time to bring that up!\" he said.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 15104,
"title": "I Won!"
},
{
"body": "While running for the Senate in New York, the young man's political advisor heard some very upsetting news.\r\n\r\n\"Listen,\" he said, \"you must go to Albany right away or you're going to lose a lot of votes. They're telling lies about you there.\"\r\n\r\n\"I have to go to Buffalo first or I'll lose even more votes,\" replied the candidate.\r\n\r\n\"Why? What's happening in Buffalo?\" the advisor asked.\r\n\r\n\"They're telling the truth about me!\" replied the candidate.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 15105,
"title": "Running For Office"
},
{
"body": "A group of American tourists were on a guided tour through an ancient castle in Europe.\r\n\r\n\"Ladies and gentlemen,\" the guide said, \"this castle is over 700 years old. Nothing has been altered or touched in all those years.\"\r\n\r\n\"Sounds like they have the same cheap landlord I have!\" exclaimed one of the tourists.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15106,
"title": "The Castle"
},
{
"body": "An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. She was so upset that she went up to the man and said, \"I was going to park there!\"\r\n\r\nThe man, being a real smart alec, said, \"Oh, well, that's what you can do when you're young and bright.\"\r\n\r\nThis made the lady even angrier, so she got in her car, backed up, pressed on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man raced back to his car and exclaimed, \"What did you go and do that for?\"\r\n\r\nThe little old lady replied, \"That's what you can do when you're old and rich!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15107,
"title": "Car Park"
},
{
"body": "A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day, an old Indian went up to the director and said, \"Tomorrow storm.\" The next day there was a sandstorm.\r\n\r\nSeveral days later, the Indian went up to the director and said, \"Tomorrow rain.\" The next day it rained for the entire day.\r\n\r\n\"This Indian is amazing,\" said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian failed to show up for a couple of weeks.\r\n\r\nFinally, the director sent for him. \"I have a big scene to shoot tomorrow,\" the director said, \"and I'm counting on you. What will the weather be like?\"\r\n\r\n\"Not know,\" replied the Indian, shrugging his shoulders. \"Radio broken!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15108,
"title": "Predicting The Weather"
},
{
"body": "Little Susie was mother's little helper and always set the table when company was coming for dinner.\r\n\r\nThe table was set, the visitors had arrived and everyone sat down at the table when Mother noticed that something was missing.\r\n\r\n\"Susie, you didn't put a knife and fork out for Mr. Grover,\" mother said.\r\n\r\n\"I didn't think he would need them, Mommy,\" Susie explained. \"Daddy says he eats like a horse!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15109,
"title": "Mother's Little Helper"
},
{
"body": "A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, \"Momma, why do I have these huge three-toed feet?\" The mother replies, \"Well, son, when we trek across the desert, your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.\"\r\n\r\nA few minutes later, the young camel asks, \"Momma, why do I have these long eyelashes?\" \"They're to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert,\" replies the mother.\r\n\r\n\"Momma, why do I have these great big humps on my back?\" asks the baby camel. \"They're to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without eating for long periods,\" explains the mother.\r\n\r\n\"So, we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes and these humps to store fat,\" the young camel says.\r\n\r\n\"That's right, son,\" says the mother.\r\n\r\n\"Then why are we in San Diego Zoo?\" asks the baby camel.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15110,
"title": "The Baby Camel"
},
{
"body": "A man accused of theft was appearing before the Judge.\r\n\r\n\"Your Honor,\" his lawyer said, \"I feel it is very unfair for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in this city only a few days ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he is only able to speak a few words of English.\"\r\n\r\nThe judge looked sternly at the defendant and asked, \"How much English do you speak?\"\r\n\r\nThe defendant looked up and replied, \"Give me your wallet!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15112,
"title": "Unfair!"
},
{
"body": "A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.\r\n\r\nThe chaplain approached him and asked, \"Do you have any last requests?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" replied the murderer. \"Would you hold my hand?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15113,
"title": "Electric Chair"
},
{
"body": "There was a blond walking down the street, and she saw an empty coke can on the floor. So she picked it up and handed it to lost property.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15114,
"title": "Can of Coke"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, she ate 100 cakes yesterday and got thinner.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 15115,
"title": "Dieting"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was walking down the road when she saw a beautiful looking lamp, so she picked it up. She rubbed it and a magic genie came out. \"You may have any three objects in the world, oh mighty mistress,\" said the genie. The blonde replied, \"I wish I had an endless glass of wine.\"\r\n\r\nSuddenly a big, crystal glass filled with wine appeared in the blonde's hand. She drank it and to her surprise, it filled up again! \"Wow! This wine is really nice, and it can't run out!\" the blonde said. \"In fact, it's so good, I'll have another two of these, please, genie!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15116,
"title": "Magic Wine Glass"
},
{
"body": "A man was sailing down the river amazon in a canoe, when he was hit by a poison dart. He woke up some time later in a cage, surrounded by a tribe chief and his minions. The chief said \"You have been tresspassing on our tribes private property. You will be doomed to death by ravens pecking out your insides. However, if you pass our 2 tests, you will be allowed to go. The first of which is a test of courage, of bravery, of strength. You must go into the first tent, and there you will find a lion, a lion with a thorn in its paw. The second challenge is one of compassion, thought and love. You must shag the 10 most beautiful ladies of our tribe. Now, let the challenges begin...\"\r\n\r\nThe man goes into the tent and at first, there is much roaring and howling, but eventually it calms down. Then the man comes out and says \"That's the first challenge done! Now where are those 10 beautiful ladies who I must pull thorns out of their paws?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15117,
"title": "The Lion and the Thorn"
},
{
"body": "One day two old men, Bill and Ted, were sitting on a park bench discussing their sex life. Bill states, \"At my age, me and the old lady have sex about once a year.\" Ted replies, \"Oh really! Me and the old lady have sex almost every day.\" \"No way!\" says Bill. \"You're joking, right?\" \"No, really!\" insists Ted. \"Almost on Sunday, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday...\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 15119,
"title": "Sex Life"
},
{
"body": "Chapstick is selling a new product in England. It is the regular Chapstick with Viagra added to the formula. \r\n\r\nEnglishmen like it because it helps them keep a stiff upper lip.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 15120,
"title": "Chapstick Product"
},
{
"body": "Pirate Blackbeard's ship license had expired so he went into the shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he needed an updated photo of himself. \r\n\r\nSo, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer's room and asked to have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, \"Ok, please pose front on\" and took a photo. \r\n\r\nHe need to take another photo so he asked Blackbeard to \"Please Poseidon!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15121,
"title": "Blackbeard's Photo"
},
{
"body": "Jack and Jill went up the hill\r\nto have a quiet smoke.\r\nJack returned with lung cancer\r\nand Jill a fatal stroke.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15123,
"title": "Jack and Jill"
},
{
"body": "A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. \r\n\r\n\"I win!\" said Johnson. \r\n\r\nHenderson threw down his cards. \"That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!\" \r\n\r\n\"How can you tell?\" Phillips asked. \r\n\r\n\"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15124,
"title": "Lawyers Playing Poker"
},
{
"body": "A cowboy entered a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, \"I'll have a shave and a shoe shine, please.\"\r\nThe barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.\r\n\r\n\"Young lady,\" the cowboy said, \"you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that at all,\" she replied.\r\n\r\n\"No problem,\" the cowboy said, \"just tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference.\"\r\n\r\n\"You tell him,\" she said. \"He's the one shaving you.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15125,
"title": "Too Close For Comfort"
},
{
"body": "If four people are standing under an umbrella and the umbrella has a hole in it, how many people are getting wet?\r\n\r\n\r\nNone. It wasn't raining!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15126,
"title": "The Umbrella"
},
{
"body": "When you have a fat friend, there are no seesaws, just catapults.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15127,
"title": "Fat Friend"
},
{
"body": "It was a very hot day in Minnesota. Inga finished hanging up the wash, put dinner in the oven and headed downtown to do some errands.\r\n\r\n\"Gootness, it's hot,\" she mused to herself, as she walked down Main Street.\r\n\r\nAs she passed by a tavern, she thought, \"Vy nodt?\" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.\r\n\r\n\"Ya know,\" Inga said, \"it is so hodt. I tink I'll have myself ze coldt beer.\"\r\n\r\n\"Anheuser Busch?\" asked the bartender.\r\n\r\nBlushing, Inga replied, \"Vell, tanks, und how's yer pecker?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15128,
"title": "Very Hot Day"
},
{
"body": "A proud father brought home a swing set he had just purchased for his children and immediately began to assemble it while all the neighborhood children anxiously waited to play on it.\r\n\r\nAfter several hours of reading the assembly instructions and trying to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.\r\n\r\nThe old-timer came over, tossed the directions away, and had the set completely assembled in a short period of time.\r\n\r\n\"It's beyond me,\" the father said, \"how you managed to get it all put together without even reading the directions.\"\r\n\r\n\"To tell the truth,\" replied the old-timer, \"I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15129,
"title": "The Handyman"
},
{
"body": "During a dinner party, the hosts' two small children entered the dining room naked and proceeded to parade slowly around the table.\r\n\r\nEmbarrassed, the parents pretended nothing was happening and continued to converse with their guests. The guests co-operated and also carried on as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening.\r\n\r\nAfter they finished walking all around the room, the children left.\r\n\r\nAs the children disappeared from sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, \"See, I told you, it IS vanishing cream!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15130,
"title": "Dinner Party Intruders"
},
{
"body": "One Christmas, a parent decided that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother did not receive acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.\r\n\r\nHowever, things were different the following year.\r\n\r\n\"The children came over in person to thank me,\" the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.\r\n\r\n\"How wonderful!\" the friend exclaimed. \"What do you think caused the change in their behavior?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, that's easy,\" the grandmother replied. \"This year I didn't sign the checks.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15131,
"title": "Read the Signs"
},
{
"body": "\"Now, as we don't have enough parachutes for all of us...\"\r\n\r\n\"Of course that's not a mountain in front...isn't it?\"\r\n\r\n\"That's not meant to happen!\"\r\n\r\n\"What dy'a mean were not meant to be going to Iraq?\"\r\n\r\n\r\nThings you don't want to see on an aeroplane:\r\n\r\nFire engines and ambulances surounding the runway when you come in to land.\r\n\r\nArmed soldiers and tanks surrounding the runway when you come in to land.\r\n\r\nThe wing fall off.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15132,
"title": "What You Don't Want to Hear on an Aeroplane"
},
{
"body": "What you don't want to hear on an aeroplane:\r\n\r\n\"You can't leave us now Captain, not at this stage!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15133,
"title": "What You Don't Want on a Plane"
},
{
"body": "Nick's Grandma gave him a map to her house. The address was 1767 Old Miffs Road.\r\n\r\nNick traveled till he got to Old Miffs road. He didn't pay attention to the sign and thought he was lost.\r\n\r\nHe stopped at a woman's house and she opened the door. \"Why hello there!\" the woman said. \"Nice to see you, Nick.\"\r\n\r\nNick couldn't hear her, so he asked \"Do you know where 1767 Old Miffs Road is?\"\r\n\r\n\"You're here,\" she said, but Nick still couldn't hear her.\r\n\r\nHe went to a different house down the road. He asked \"Do you know where 1767 Old Miffs Road is?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, it's right there.\"\r\n\r\n\"This isn't Old Miffs Road!\"\r\n\r\n\"Pay attention to street signs.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15135,
"title": "To Grandma's House"
},
{
"body": "There once was a blonde who was writing a book. She didn't know what else to write, so she took a block from her little sisters toy box and went to go and watch TV. Her mom comes in and sees the book on the table with the wooden block on it. She goes ask her daughter what it was and her blonde daughter responded, \"It's writers block mommy!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15137,
"title": "Writers Block"
},
{
"body": "A man was sitting in a plane when another man sat down in the seat beside him. The new fellow was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.\r\n\"Hey, pal, what's the matter?\" the first fellow asked.\r\n\r\n\"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California,\" he answered nervously. \"They have riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country ... \"\r\n\r\n\"Wait a minute,\" the first fellow said. \"I've lived in L.A. all my life and I can assure you it's nowhere near as bad as the media reports. Find yourself a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world.\"\r\n\r\nThe second fellow stopped shaking for a moment and replied, \"Thank God. I was worried to death! If you live there and say it's all right, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?\"\r\n\r\n\"Me?\" replied the first fellow. \"I'm tail gunner on a bread truck.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15138,
"title": "Life in L.A."
},
{
"body": "The once was a lung doctor waiting outside a patient's room of who she didn't know. A different doctor came up to her with a shot canister and said 'I need you to go in the and draw blood from this guy' 'Ok, simple!' she responded. She walks in the room and there strapped down to the table was a big muscley guy who was in there for taking drugs.' He sits there struggling to get out. The wrist bands look as if they're about to break. The lung doctor storms out of there and spots the doctor. She says 'Ok if you want to get a needle stuck and play hostage today that's fine. But there's no way in hell I'm going in there and sticking that hulk with a needle' She hands him the shot canister and walks away. Under his breath he says 'Crap now who should i ask..?'",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 15139,
"title": "Lung Doctor"
},
{
"body": "Carole was planning her upcoming wedding and asked to wear her mother's wedding gown. When she tried it on, it was a perfect fit on her petite frame.\r\n\r\nSuddenly, her mother's eyes filled with tears. Putting an arm around her, Carole lovingly said, \"Don't cry, Mom. Remember, you aren't losing a daughter, you're gaining a son.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, it's not that,\" her mother sobbed. \"I used to fit into that gown!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15140,
"title": "Mom's Wedding Gown"
},
{
"body": "Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox? \r\nA: About five drinks.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15142,
"title": "A Dog and a Fox"
},
{
"body": "Why is it dangerous to go in the jungle after 5 p.m? \r\n\r\nBecause elephants jump out of trees after 5 p.m. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nWhy do beavers have flat tails?\r\n \r\nBecause they go in the jungle after 5 p.m!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15145,
"title": "5p.m. Jungle"
},
{
"body": "Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.\r\n\r\n\"Who is that man?\" a passenger asked the ship's captain. \"Why is he so upset?\"\r\n\r\n\"I have no idea,\" the Captain replied, \"but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15148,
"title": "What's Upset Him?"
},
{
"body": "An old Indian is standing on the corner, when an attractive young woman passes by. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says, \"Chance!\"\r\n\r\nThe same thing happens several days in a row. The woman walks past and the old Indian raises his hand and says, \"Chance!\"\r\n\r\nFinally, she can't ignore it any longer, so she stops and asks, \"You're an Indian, aren't you?\"\r\n\r\nThe Indian nods.\r\n\r\nShe says, \"I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting.\"\r\n\r\nThe Indian replies, \"Already know 'how'. Just want 'chance'.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15149,
"title": "Indian Greeting"
},
{
"body": "A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. \"How much do they run?\" he asked the clerk.\r\n\r\n\"That depends,\" said the salesman. \"They run from $2.00 to $2,000.\"\r\n\r\n\"Let's see the $2.00 model,\" he said.\r\n\r\nThe clerk put the device around the man's neck. \"You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,\" he instructed.\r\n\r\n\"How does it work?\" the customer asked.\r\n\r\n\"For $2.00 it doesn't work,\" the salesman replied. \"But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15150,
"title": "Inexpensive Hearing Aid"
},
{
"body": "Is the reason they make oriental flavored noodles for Americans to get back at them for eating our dogs?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15151,
"title": "Oriental"
},
{
"body": "Supermarket\r\n\r\nA new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.\r\n\r\nWhen you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.\r\n\r\nWhen you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of\r\nbacon and eggs frying.\r\n\r\nThe veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.\r\n\r\nThough I do have to say... I don't buy my toilet paper there.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15152,
"title": "At a New Supermarket..."
},
{
"body": "On Cows and Government\r\n\r\nFEUDALISM\r\nYou have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk\r\n\r\nPURE SOCIALISM \r\nYou have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.\r\n\r\nBUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM \r\nYou have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.\r\n\r\nFASCISM\r\nYou have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.\r\n\r\nPURE COMMUNISM \t\r\nYou have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.\r\n\r\nRUSSIAN COMMUNISM\r\nYou have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.\r\n\r\nDICTATORSHIP\r\nYou have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.\r\n\r\nSINGAPORE DEMOCRACY\r\nYou have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment.\r\n\r\nMILITARIANISM\r\nYou have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.\r\n\r\nPURE DEMOCRACY \r\nYou have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.\r\n\r\nREPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY\r\nYou have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.\r\n\r\nAMERICAN DEMOCRACY\r\nThe government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair \"Cowgate\".\r\n\r\nBRITISH DEMOCRACY\r\nYou have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.\r\n\r\nBUREAUCRACY\r\nYou have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.\r\n\r\nANARCHY\r\nYou have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.\r\n\r\nCAPITALISM \r\nYou have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.\r\n\r\nHONG KONG CAPITALISM \r\nYou have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.\r\n\r\nENVIRONMENTALISM \r\nYou have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.\r\n\r\nFEMINISM \t\r\nYou have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.\r\n\r\nTOTALITARIANISM \t\r\nYou have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.\r\n\r\nPOLITICAL CORRECTNESS \t\r\nYou are associated with (the concept of \"ownership\"is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.\r\n\r\nCOUNTER CULTURE \t\r\nWow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. Far out! Awesome!\r\n\r\nSURREALISM \t\r\nYou have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.\r\n\r\nJAPANESE DEMOCRACY \t\r\nYou have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about who you're giving the milk to.\r\n\r\nEUROPEAN FEDERALISM\r\nYou have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job.\r\n\r\nEASTERN EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY\r\nYou have two cows. You sell the milk (diluted with some water) at a high price to the neighbors or to anyone at the open-air market. If somebody asks for receipt, you charge for a two times higher price, so nobody will request an invoice. For concerned families with small babies you claim that the milk is \"bio\", though you collect the grass for feeding at the side of the highway and you keep the milk in plastic barrels used previously as containers of dangerous chemicals. Later, your neighbor or anybody from town will steal the cows and will buy their meat for a high price, and if you ask for a receipt, you will be charged for a two times higher price.\r\n\r\nFINNISH SOCIALISM\r\nYou have two cows. Soon you have to kill one of them because in the Netherlands there is an overproduction of milk and the European Union rules say so. When you do so, you realize that it was not necessary, only the system was too slow in getting you the up-to-date news. From the stress, you get an ulcer in your stomach so you go to a doctor. The doctor realizes that this ulcer is a serious one, so you need an urgent treatment. Therefore, you soon get a call to the local hospital. The call's date is for 3 months later, because there is a queue with more urgent cases. Then your ulcer becomes even more serious because you remember that 40 percent of your income is taken for social tax.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 15153,
"title": "On Cows and Government"
},
{
"body": "The Blonde walked into a bar. The Brunette used the door. The redhead actually OPENED the door, and the Asian actually WENT THROUGH the door.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 15154,
"title": "Four Ladies Walked Into the Bar..."
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?\r\n\r\nA: SSCCRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH...thump.\r\n\r\nWe shall never know...",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15157,
"title": "Roadkill"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so dirty that she was banned from a sewage facility because of sanitation worries!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 15159,
"title": "Dirty Mama"
},
{
"body": "Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?\r\n\r\n\r\nA: To a crow bar.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15160,
"title": "Blackbird Drink"
},
{
"body": "The gas station was located on a main highway leading to the beach so the pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to fill up.\r\n\r\nWhen a rusty old station wagon containing a very tired looking couple and seven screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants.\r\n\r\n\"Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours or is this a picnic?\"\r\n\r\nWearily, the driver relied, \"Yes, they are all mine, and it is NO picnic!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15161,
"title": "At the Gas Station"
},
{
"body": "A detachment of paratroopers was practicing in a rural area. One jumper landed on the property of an old mountain man and his very large family.\r\n\r\nOne of the kids saw the chute floating down and yelled out to his father, \"Pa, bring your shotgun. The stork is bringing 'em full grown now!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15162,
"title": "Parrot Troopers"
},
{
"body": "The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, \"Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?\"\r\n\r\n\"No, lady, not yet; I'll let you know,\" he replied, time after time.\r\n\r\nThe hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the brakes, pulled over and called out, \"This is where you get out, lady.\"\r\n\r\n\"Is this Oriskany Falls?\"\r\n\r\n\"YES!\" he bellowed. \"Get out!\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny,\" she explained sweetly. \"It's just that my daughter told me that when we got to Oriskany Falls, it'll be time take my blood pressure pill.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15163,
"title": "Are We There Yet?"
},
{
"body": "The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.\r\nThe men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.\r\n\r\n\"Astonishing!\" the truck driver said to the crew chief. \"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?\"\r\n\r\nThe crew chief said, \"Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15164,
"title": "The Tollbooth"
},
{
"body": "With what kind of bread do elves make their sandwiches?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nShortbread!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15165,
"title": "Bread"
},
{
"body": "Two young cowboys - aged six and four - walked into the pretend bar for a drink.\r\n\r\nThe older cowboy thumped his fist on the pretend bar and said to the pretend bartender, \"Bartender, gimme a rye whiskey!\"\r\n\r\nThe younger cowboy was not to be outdone. \"Yeah, and make mine a whole wheat!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15166,
"title": "Two Wry Young Cowboys"
},
{
"body": "A farmer and his friend were leaning on a fence chatting.\r\nSuddenly, the local Game Warden showed up and insisted on checking the farmer's property and, in particular, a certain field. The farmer refused to allow him access to the field but the Warden insisted he had the right, saying, \"I'm the Game Warden and I have a card! This card allows me to go in.\" Before the farmer could stop him, the Warden was off into the field.\r\n\r\nSoon, a horrifying scream pierced the air and the Warden, being chased by a massive bull, reappeared running for his life. \"Help, help!\" he cried.\r\n\r\nThe farmer shouted back, \"Show him your card! Show him your card!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15167,
"title": "Game Warden"
},
{
"body": "A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful.\r\n\r\n\"For example,\" the judge said, \"when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket, then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom.\"\r\n\r\nWhen the judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, \"Why so much urgency for your watch? Don't you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?\"\r\n\r\n\"What?\" exclaimed the judge. \"I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?\"\r\n\r\n\"I gave it to the first one,\" replied his wife, \"after all, he knew exactly where it was.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15168,
"title": "Gold Watch"
},
{
"body": "A woman was suing a man for defamation of character, charging that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.\r\n\r\nAfter the trial, he asked the Judge, \"Does this mean that I can't call Miss Stuart a pig?\" The Judge said that was accurate.\r\n\r\n\"Does this also mean that I can't call a pig 'Miss Stuart'?\" the man asked. The Judge told the man that he could indeed call a pig 'Miss Stuart' with no fear of legal action.\r\n\r\nThe man then turned to Miss Stuart and said, \"Good afternoon, Miss Stuart!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15169,
"title": "Defamation of Character"
},
{
"body": "A lawyer was reading a wealthy man's will to the people mentioned in it.\r\n\r\n\"To my wife Claire, who stood by me through the rough times as well as the good, I leave you the house, the cars and $5 million.\"\r\n\r\nThe lawyer continued, \"To my daughter Sarah, who took care of me during my illness and kept my company going, I leave you the yacht, the business and $2 million.\"\r\n\r\nThe lawyer concluded, \"And, to my cousin Phil, who always hated me, argued with me, was envious of me, and thought I would never mention him in my will ... well, you're wrong. 'Hi, Phil!'\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15170,
"title": "At the Reading of the Will"
},
{
"body": "And God created woman and she had three breasts. God then asked the woman, \"Is there anything you would like to have changed?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" the woman replied. \"Could you get rid of this middle breast?\"\r\n\r\nAnd so it was done.\r\n\r\nHolding the third breast in her hand, the woman exclaimed, \"What can be done with this useless boob?\"\r\n\r\nAnd God created man.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15171,
"title": "And God Created Woman"
},
{
"body": "365.25 days on a low-calorie diet - 1 lite year",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15172,
"title": "365.25"
},
{
"body": "This is an actual chatroom conversation from a \"local Chatroom\"\r\n\r\nJoe: I wonder what would happen if you had a sleep number bed, and set it to 69?\r\n\r\nChristy: ? huh?\r\n\r\nMike: I dont know, but it sure sounds tasty!\r\n\r\nJoe: You probably wouldn't understand Christy, you're too pure and innocent.\r\n\r\nChristy: Maybe... sounds more like a police code or something \r\n\r\nMike: lol, ya, that's it. \"This is the dispatcher, what is your status\"\r\n\r\nJoe: lol \"We have a 69 in progress at the overpass, Officer needs assistance\"\r\n\r\nMike: \"Move in! Move in! Officer has gone down, repeat, Officer has gone down!\r\n\r\nJoe: \"Someone better call the fire department, looks like we'll need the Jaws of Life for this one!\"\r\n\r\nChristy: um.. why do i get the feeling i've started something horrible? o.O",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15173,
"title": "An Actual Internet Conversation"
},
{
"body": "Clones are people two.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15174,
"title": "Send in the Clones"
},
{
"body": "This will make your computer A LOT faster, and it is REALLY EZPZ! The thing is, most ppl lack the knowlege to use it. \r\n1.Go to the START menu\r\n2. Click My Computer\r\n3. Right click (C:)\r\n4.Click Format\r\n5. Click Yes\r\n6. Repeat on (D:), then (E:), then (A:)\r\n7. TA DA!\r\n\r\nFTR, if you do this, you will completely erase everything on your computer",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15178,
"title": "REALLY AWESOME COMPUTER THINGY!"
},
{
"body": "A radical feminist gets on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.\r\n\r\n\"Here we go again,\" she thinks to herself. \"Yet another man attempting to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,\" and she pushes him back onto the seat.\r\n\r\nA minute passes and the man tries to get up again. She's insulted again and refuses to allow him to get up.\r\n\r\nThis happens several times over the next few minutes.\r\n\r\nFinally, the man pleads, \"Lady, please, you have to let me get up. I'm already a couple of miles past my stop!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15180,
"title": "Keep It!"
},
{
"body": "Father O'Malley has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, he decides to take a vacation. He's never been married and is curious about what Americans endure in everyday life, so he decides to go to the States before it's too late.\r\n\r\nHe hops on a Nevada bound plane and arrives at the airport in Las Vegas. While he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to hm and exclaims, \"Elvis! Good Lord, it's Elvis! I always knew you weren't dead, Elvis! How have you been?\"\r\n\r\nFather O'Malley looks at her and says, \"Get outta me face. Can you not see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a bit like him.\" He then moves on to his taxi waiting outside. He hops in the cab and is a little upset, so he tells the cabby, \"Take me to my hotel and step on it.\"\r\n\r\nThe cabby turns and says, \"Sure thing, sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I happen to be your number one fan! It's wonderful to see you!\"\r\n\r\n\"Shut up, you imbecile. I am not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!\" snaps the Father. So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel where Father O'Malley gathers his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter.\r\n\r\n\"Oh my Lord! Oh, dear! It's you!\" screeches the hotel clerk. \"You're back, Elvis! I always knew this day would come. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complimentary hookers and a full liquor bar! I am so glad to see you're back!\"\r\n\r\nFather O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk, curls his lip and says, \"Thank you. Thank you very much!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15181,
"title": "Elvis Lives?"
},
{
"body": "Billy's teacher sent a note home to Mom saying, \"Billy is a very bright boy, but spends much too much time thinking about girls and sex.\"\r\n\r\nThe next day Mom sent a note back to the teacher saying, \"If you happen to find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Dad.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15184,
"title": "Note to Mom"
},
{
"body": "When the second grader arrived home from school, she excitedly ran up to her mom and said, \"Guess what we learned today, mommy? How to make babies.\"\r\n\r\nHer mother was more than surprised, but did her best to remain calm. She knew that this day would come, but she had hoped it wouldn't have been so soon. \"How interesting dear,\" her mother said. \"How do you make babies?\"\r\n\r\n\"It's really simple,\" replied the little girl. \"All you have to do is change the 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15185,
"title": "Babies!"
},
{
"body": "The teacher asked little Andy if he knew his numbers yet. \"Yes, teacher,\" he said, \"my dad taught me.\"\r\n\r\n\"Good, Andy. Tell me what comes after two,\" the teacher said. \"Three,\" replied Andy.\r\n\r\n\"Very good. What comes after five, Andy?\" asked the teacher. \"Six,\" answered Andy.\r\n\r\n\"Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?\" the teacher asked.\r\n\r\n\"A jack!\" replied Andy.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15186,
"title": "He Knows His Numbers"
},
{
"body": "Having just graduated from Harvard, the young man was very excited thinking about his future. Getting into a taxi, the driver says to him, \"How are you on this beautiful, sunny day?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm the class of 2006. I just graduated from Harvard and I'm very excited about getting out there and seeing what the world has in store for me!\"\r\n\r\nThe driver shakes the young man's hand and replies, \"Congratulations, young man. I'm George, class of 1968.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 15187,
"title": "Class of 2006"
},
{
"body": "One day, during math class, the teacher asked Little Johnny, \"If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many would you have?\"\r\n\"Seven,\" replied Johnny.\r\n\r\n\"No, Johnny. Listen carefully this time. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many would you have?\" asked the teacher.\r\n\r\n\"Seven!\" insisted Johnny.\r\n\r\n\"Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples, two apples and another two apples, how many would you have?\" the teacher asked.\r\n\r\n\"Six,\" Johnny answered.\r\n\r\n\"Good, Johnny, that's right,\" said the teacher. \"Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many would you have?\"\r\n\r\n\"Seven!\" Johnny said.\r\n\r\n\"Johnny, how on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits would be seven?\" asked the baffled teacher.\r\n\r\n\"Easy. I already have one rabbit at home now!\" Johnny replied.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15188,
"title": "Counting Rabbits"
},
{
"body": "The social studies teacher had just completed a lesson on war and peace.\r\n\r\n\"How many of you,\" the teacher asked, \"would say you're opposed to war?\"\r\n\r\nNot surprisingly, every student in the class raised their hand.\r\n\r\n\"Who would like to give us their reason for being opposed to war?\" asked the teacher. Little Johnny, sitting at the back of the class, immediately raised his hand.\r\n\r\n\"Johnny, what is your reason?\" the teacher asked.\r\n\r\n\"I hate wars,\" explained Johnny, \"because wars make history, and I hate History!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15189,
"title": "Warren Peace"
},
{
"body": "A well-endowed university student was always being teased by her sorority sisters for being a size 36DD.\r\n\r\nOne night, at a fraternity party, a young man asked her what she would like to drink.\r\n\r\n\"I'll have a diet soda, please,\" she replied.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, you must be the double D,\" he said.\r\n\r\nFurious, the girl wondered which one of her so-called friends had divulged such personal information.\r\n\r\n\"And just what do you mean by that?\" she snapped.\r\n\r\nConfused by her angry response, the man stammered, \"You know, the designated driver.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 15190,
"title": "Double D"
},
{
"body": "A young man goes off to college, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he's foolishly squandered the money his parents had given him.\r\n\r\n\"Hmmmm,\" he wonders. \"How am I going to go about getting more dough?\" Then he gets and idea and phones his father.\r\n\r\n\"Dad, you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with!\" he says. \"Why, they have a program here that will teach Rex how to talk!\"\r\n\r\n\"That's amazing!\" exclaims his father. \"How do I get him in that program?\"\r\n\r\n\"Just send him down here with $1000,\" the son says, \"I'll get him into the course.\" So his father sends the dog and the $1000.\r\n\r\nAbout two-thirds of the way through the semester, he again runs out of money. He calls his father again.\r\n\r\n\"So, how's Rex doing, son?\" his father asks.\r\n\r\n\"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm,\" he says, \"but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!\"\r\n\r\n\"READ!?\" says his father. \"\"No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?\"\r\n\r\n\"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class,\" the son says. So the father sends the money.\r\n\r\nAt the end of the semester, the son finds he has a problem. When he gets home, his father is going to find out that the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.\r\n\r\n\"Where's Rex?\" asks his father. \"I can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!\"\r\n\r\n\"Dad,\" the son says, \"I have some pretty grim news. When I got out of the shower this morning, Rex was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messin' around with that hot blonde who lives on Minute Street?'\"\r\n\r\nThe father replies, \"Damn! I sure hope you shot that lyin' dog!\"\r\n\r\nThe son replies, \"I sure did, Dad!\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 15191,
"title": "Rex Goes To College"
},
{
"body": "The teacher told her students they would start their day with the Pledge of Allegiance, instructing them to place their right hand over their heart and repeat after her.\r\nAs she began to recite the Pledge, she looked around the room and noticed that Little Johnny hand his hand over the right cheek of his behind.\r\n\r\n\"Little Johnny,\" she said, \"we will not continue until you place your hand over your heart.\"\r\n\r\n\"It is over my heart,\" Little Johnny replied innocently.\r\n\r\nShe attempted to get Little Johnny to place his hand over his heart several times, all to no avail. Finally, frustrated, she asked, \"What makes you think that's your heart?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, whenever Grandma comes to visit,\" Johnny explained, \"she picks me up, gives me a couple of pats right here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and I know Grandma wouldn't lie.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15192,
"title": "Starting The Day"
},
{
"body": "A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items in front of him. When the class began, he picked up a very large, empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, approximately two inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full and they agreed that it was.\r\nNext, he picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.\r\n\r\nSo, he picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He again asked the students if the jar was full. They responded with a unanimous \"yes\".\r\n\r\nThe professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.\r\n\r\nAs the laughter subsided, the professor said, \"Now, I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff.\r\n\r\n\"If you put the sand into the jar first,\" he continued, \"there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the faucet. Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.\"\r\n\r\nAt that point, one of the students raised her hand and asked what the beer represented.\r\n\r\nSmiling, the professor replied, \"I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 15193,
"title": "Priorities of Life"
},
{
"body": "When Little Johnny got his exam paper back, he saw a big red F staring back at him.\r\n\r\nBilly looked at his glum friend and asked, \"Why did you get such a low mark on that test?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because of absence,\" Johnny answered.\r\n\r\n\"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?\" Billy inquired.\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny replied, \"I wasn't, but the kid who sits next to me was.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15194,
"title": "The Big Red F"
},
{
"body": "The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time, so she decided to get his attention. \"Johnny,\" she said, \"if the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?\"\r\n\r\nJohnny answered, \"Thirty-four.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher replied, \"Well, that's not far from my age. Tell me ... how did you guess?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, there's nothing to it,\" Johnny said. \"My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15195,
"title": "Square Pie or Pi Squared?"
},
{
"body": "WARNING- this is very racial. Please forgive me if it offends you, but its true when you think about it.\r\n\r\nSince we have so many Mexicans saying,\"o we want to serve you americans, work in america...\",why dont we just put them in the army. We give them our supplies. They go, jump the border like no manyana and set up base. With all the tanks the Iraqis have, they go and before you notice it they have the wheeles, the tank is up on cinder blocks and they are out of there, just like they do in the city. We have tanks, with guns that turn 360 degrees. 360. So if you think about it, its like a drive by. So lets let all the blacks go in and control the tanks. So we get into Iraq, and we have a drive by. With the increasing of this we can win!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15197,
"title": "How to Solve the War in Iraq"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so stupid she copied someone in an exam and got less than them.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 15198,
"title": "Copying"
},
{
"body": "A Blonde asks a woman, \"Excuse me, what time is it right now?\" The woman replies, \"It's 11:25PM.\"\r\n\r\nThe Blonde with a confused look on her face replies, \"You know, it's the weirdest thing. I've asked that question thirty times today and every time someone gives me a different answer.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15200,
"title": "Mind Telling Me the Time"
},
{
"body": "A woman wasn't feeling well, so she asked a co-worker if she could recommend a doctor.\r\n\r\n\"I know a very good doctor, but he is quite expensive. He charges $350 for the first visit, and $150 for each subsequent visit, but he really is quite good,\" replied the co-worker.\r\n\r\nThe woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to pull a fast one and save herself some money, she cheerfully announced, \"I'm back!\"\r\n\r\nNot fooled for a moment, the doctor gave her a quick exam and said, \"Very good; now just continue the treatment I prescribed for you on your last visit.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 15201,
"title": "Repeat"
},
{
"body": "An old hillbilly farmer with a severe case of hemorrhoids visited the doctor. The doctor prescribed some very powerful suppositories and asked the man to come back in a couple of weeks.\r\n\r\nThe old farmer hadn't used suppositories before, and didn't realize they weren't a pill to be taken orally.\r\n\r\nTwo weeks later, the old farmer, in even more discomfort from the hemorrhoids, sees the doctor again. The doctor asks him how the suppositories are working?\r\n\r\nThe old farmer says, \"For all the good they did me, I might as well have shoved them up my ass!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 15202,
"title": "Where?"
},
{
"body": "A veterinarian was feeling ill, so he went to see his doctor.\r\n\r\nThe doctor asked all the usual questions ... what symptoms did he have, how long had they been occurring, etc., when the vet interrupted him:\r\n\r\n\"Look, doc, I'm a vet and I can't ask my patients these questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking - why can't you?\" he said smugly.\r\n\r\nThe doctor nodded, stood back and looked the vet up and down. He then quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to the vet, and said, \"There you go. Of course, you do understand that if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 15203,
"title": "Two Ways to See the Problem"
},
{
"body": "A policeman was rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. The doctors operated and informed him that all went well. However, he kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Concerned that there was a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally mustered up the energy to pull his hospital gown down far enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.\r\nTaped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the type that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:-\r\n\r\n\"Have a speedy recovery ... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 15204,
"title": "Thoughtful Nurse"
},
{
"body": "\"Well, Jonathan, what are you going to do about the excess weight you're carrying around?\" the doctor asked.\r\n\r\n\"I don't understand it, Doc,\" Jonathan replied, \"I just can't seem to lose weight. I must have an overactive thyroid.\"\r\n\r\n\"Jonathan, the tests show that your thyroid is perfectly normal,\" replied the doctor. \"It's your fork that's overactive.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 15205,
"title": "Excess Weight"
},
{
"body": "While his mother was having a consultation with the doctor, Little Johnny could be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room, yet she made no attempt to restrain him.\r\n\r\nA few minutes later, they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, she casually said to the doctor, \"I hope you don't mind Little Johnny playing in there.\"\r\n\r\n\"No, not at all,\" the doctor replied calmly. \"I'm sure he'll calm down as soon as he finds the poison.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15206,
"title": "At the Doctor's"
},
{
"body": "We regret to inform you, but by opening this email, you have just received the 'Idiot Computer Virus'.\r\n\r\nSince our staff does not have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system.\r\n\r\nPlease delete all files from your hard drive immediately, then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.\r\n\r\nThank You",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 15207,
"title": "Idiot Computer Virus"
},
{
"body": "What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?\r\n\r\nTelling your parents that you are gay.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15208,
"title": "Rollerblading"
},
{
"body": "The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line.\r\n\r\nWhen the guided tour arrived, a salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. \"This baby here,\" he said, \"is the Ultimate Computer. Ask it any question you wish and it will give you an intelligent answer.\"\r\n\r\nA smartass stepped forward and asked the computer, \"Where is my father?\"\r\n\r\nImmediately, the electronic gears went to work. Lights flashed, wheels buzzed and within seconds, a small card popped out. The card read, \"Fishing Off Florida.\"\r\n\r\n\"Ha!\" laughed the smartass. \"Actually, my father is dead! That was a trick question.\"\r\n\r\nThe quick thinking salesman immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps he might like to try rephrasing his question and try again.\r\n\r\n\"Ok,\" the smartass said, \"where is my mother's husband?\"\r\n\r\nAgain there was a buzzing of wheels and flashing lights until a small card popped out. The card read, \"Dead - and your father is still fishing off Florida.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 15209,
"title": "The Ultimate Computer"
},
{
"body": "TO: ALL EMPLOYEES\r\nFROM: SYSTEM'S ADMINISTRATOR\r\n\r\nSUBJECT: WARNING! C-NILE VIRUS ... MUST READ:\r\n\r\nJust learned about this from a reliable source. It seems that there is a computer virus out there called the \"C-Nile Virus\" that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of, so be warned. It appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958.\r\n\r\nSymptoms of the C-Nile Virus:\r\n\r\n1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.\r\n\r\n2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.\r\n\r\n3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.\r\n\r\n4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.\r\n\r\n5. Causes you to send e-mail to other listed persons who received the e-mail from the person who sent it to you.\r\n\r\n6. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.\r\n\r\n7. Causes you to hit \"SEND\" before you've finished the",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 15210,
"title": "C-Nile Virus Alert"
},
{
"body": "When the media askes George Bush a question about the war he says, \"Uhh, Can I use a life line?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15211,
"title": "Media"
},
{
"body": "Marriage\r\n\r\n\"Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?\" - Rita Rudner",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15212,
"title": "Marriage"
},
{
"body": "\"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends.\" - Scott Ostler",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15213,
"title": "Fidelity"
},
{
"body": "\"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was.\" - Unknown",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15214,
"title": "Obsession"
},
{
"body": "The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen.\r\n\r\n\"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.\"\r\n\r\nOne student replied:\r\n\r\n \"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.\"\r\n\r\nThis highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.\r\n\r\nThe arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.\r\n\r\nFor five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.\r\n\r\nOn being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:\r\n\r\n\"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.\r\n\r\n\"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.\r\n\r\n\"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g).\r\n\r\n\"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.\r\n\r\n\"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.\r\n\r\n\"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper.'\"\r\n\r\nThe student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.",
"category": "College",
"id": 15215,
"title": "The Skyscraper and the Barometer."
},
{
"body": "Lemon Grove\r\n\r\nA woman was applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove. \r\n\r\nWhen the foreman looked over her application, he felt she was far too qualified for the job.\r\n\r\n\"Look, Miss Carter,\" said the foreman, \"do you have any actual experience in picking lemons?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, yes, I certainly do,\" she replied. \"I've been divorced four times.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15216,
"title": "Lemon Grove"
},
{
"body": "When the salesman dropped in to pay a visit to one of his customers, he found the office empty except for a very large dog who was emptying wastebaskets. Rubbing his eyes, he was certain they must have been playing tricks on him.\r\n\r\n\"Don't look so surprised,\" said the dog, \"after all, this is part of my job.\"\r\n\r\n\"This is amazing!\" exclaimed the salesman. \"I can't believe it. Does you boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can actually talk!\"\r\n\r\n\"No, no,\" the dog pleaded, \"don't tell him. If he knows I can talk, the next thing you know he'll have me answering the phones too.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15217,
"title": "A Working Dog"
},
{
"body": "Read All About It!\r\n\r\nA newsboy was standing at the corner with a stack of newspapers, yelling, \"Read all about it! Fifty people swindled! Read all about it!\"\r\n\r\nCurious about it, a man walked over and bought a newspaper. After checking the front page and finding nothing, he said to the boy, \"What are you talking about? I don't see anything in here about fifty people being swindled.\"\r\n\r\nThe newsboy ignored him and continued, yelling out, \"Read all about it! Fifty-one people swindled!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15218,
"title": "Read All About It!"
},
{
"body": "When the husband arrived home, his wife met him at the door sobbing. He asked her what was wrong.\r\n\r\n\"It's the pharmacist,\" she wailed. \"He insulted me something awful on the phone this morning.\" Hearing this, the husband immediately headed downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.\r\n\r\nBefore he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist cut him off and said, \"Please, just listen to my side of it.\"\r\n\r\n\"This morning my alarm didn't go off,\" the pharmacist began to explain, \"so I was late getting up. Going without breakfast, I rushed out to my car only to realize I had locked the house with both my house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.\r\n\r\nThen, driving a little too fast, I got pulled over and was given a speeding ticket. Later, about two blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally arrived at the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.\r\n\r\nI opened the store and began waiting on these people, and all the while the damn phone was ringing off the hook.\"\r\n\r\nTaking a breath, he continued, \"Then, I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins, the phone still ringing off the hook. As I stood up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer. This made me stagger back against a showcase filled with perfume bottles, causing all of them to fall to the floor and break.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, the phone is still ringing without letting up. When I finally got to answering it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Believe me sir, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15219,
"title": "The Pharmacist"
},
{
"body": "Two kids were sitting at a lunch table. One was quite a joke-teller, so he started telling a joke he had heard.\r\n\"There are three types of people in this world,\" he said, \"those who can count and those who can't.\"\r\nThe other kid said, \"But what about the other type of person?\"\r\n\"There is no other type!\" the first kid said, \"that was the joke!\"\r\n\"No! You said it wrong! You didn't say what the third type was!\"\r\n\"That was the joke! TWO TYPES of people in this world! Those who can count, AND THOSE WHO CANT!\"\r\n\"But you didn't say what the third type was!\"\r\nSo, after many hours, the second boy FINALLY understood the joke.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15220,
"title": "Unintenligiblenceable"
},
{
"body": "No Smoking Prohibited\r\n\r\nSlow Children\r\n\r\nWarning: corners of sign are sharp\r\n\r\nA Street\r\nDowntown\r\n1 Quarter Mile\r\n\r\nNo Parking 2am-5am \r\n(right underneath that sign)\r\n2 Hour parking 9am-6pm\r\n(right underneath that sign)\r\n15 minute parking 8am-5pm\r\n\r\nCaution- water on road during rain\r\n\r\nAirplane Crossing\r\n\r\nBear Bottom Drive\r\n\r\nEmergency telephone 174 km ahead\r\n\r\nRoad hump ahead\r\n\r\nTank Xing",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15221,
"title": "Real Signs"
},
{
"body": "Pick A Power Word\r\n\r\nThe manager of a ladies' dress shop decided it was time to have a serious talk with one of her sales clerks. \"Janet, your figures are well below any of our other sales clerks'. I'm sorry to say that unless you can improve your record soon, we will have to let you go.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry, ma'am,\" Janet humbly replied. \"Is there any advice you could give me on how to do better?\"\r\n\r\n\"There is an old trick I can tell you about,\" the manager said. \"It may sound silly, but it has worked for me in the past. Go through a dictionary until you come to a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it and work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate. You'll be amazed at the results.\"\r\n\r\nSure enough, Janet's sales figures improved, and at the end of the month the manager called her in again and congratulated her. \"Did you try my little trick?\" she asked.\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" Janet nodded. \"It took me an entire weekend to find just the right word, but I did ... 'Fantastic'.\"\r\n\r\n\"'Fantastic'. What an excellent word,\" the manager said encouragingly. \"How have you been using it?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class. I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $450 worth of clothing.\"\r\n\r\n\"My next customer,\" Janet continued, \"told me she was in charge of the Spring Ball at the country club and needed a new formal dress. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying.\"\r\n\r\n\"Excellent work, Janet,\" complimented the manager. \"Out of curiosity, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?\"\r\n\r\n\"I used to say, 'Who gives a shit!\" Janet replied with a shrug.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15222,
"title": "Power Word"
},
{
"body": "A recent college graduate got hired by the human-development center of a large corporation to train the employees in proper dress code and etiquette.\r\n\r\nOne day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man who was casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.\r\n\r\n\"Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?\" she said in a scolding tone.\r\n\r\n\"That's one of the benefits of owning the company,\" the man replied with a grin.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15223,
"title": "Proper Dress Code"
},
{
"body": "Are Dogs Welcome?\r\n\r\nA man wrote a letter to a small hotel located in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.\r\nHe wrote, \"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is very well behaved and well groomed. I would like to know if I would be permitted to keep him in my room with me at night.\"\r\n\r\nThe hotel owner sent a reply immediately, which said, \"I have been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I have never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or anything else. I have never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly, nor have I ever had a dog run out on a hotel bill.\r\n\r\n\"Yes, indeed,\" continued his reply, \"your dog is most welcome at my hotel. Should your dog be willing to vouch for you, you are welcome to stay here too!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15224,
"title": "Are Dogs Welcome?"
},
{
"body": "Collecting Unemployment\r\n\r\nOle and Sven worked together and both were laid off, so they headed over to the unemployment office.\r\nWhen Ole was asked his occupation, he replied, \"Panty stitcher. I sew elastic onto cotton panties.\"\r\n\r\nThe clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it classed as unskilled labor, so she gave Ole $250 a week unemployment pay.\r\n\r\nShe then asked Sven what his occupation was, and he replied, \"Diesel fitter.\"\r\n\r\nLooking up diesel fitter, the clerk found it classed as skilled labor, so she gave Sven $500 a week.\r\n\r\nWhen Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double the amount that he was.\r\n\r\n\"Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor,\" the clerk explained.\r\n\r\n\"What skill?\" Ole yelled. \"I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, 'Ya, diesel fitter'!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15225,
"title": "Collecting Unemployment"
},
{
"body": "Salary Increase\r\n\r\n\"I must have a raise,\" the man said to his boss. \"There are three other companies after me.\"\r\n\r\n\"Really?\" the boss asked. \"What other companies are after you?\"\r\n\r\n\"The gas company, the telephone company, and the electricity company,\" the man replied.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15226,
"title": "Salary Increase"
},
{
"body": "So I said to the taxi driver, \"King Arthur's Close.\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights.\" - Tommy Cooper.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15228,
"title": "King Arthur's Close"
},
{
"body": "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said \"Is that the local swimming baths?\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"It depends where you're calling from.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15229,
"title": "The Local"
},
{
"body": "I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius.\r\n\r\nUnfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter. - Tommy Cooper",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15230,
"title": "A Painting and a Violin"
},
{
"body": "A blonde, carrying a baby in her arms, enters a pharmacy and asks to use the infant scale to weigh the baby.\r\n\r\nThe clerk explains that the infant scale is out for repair, but she could figure out the infant's weight by weighing mother and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, that will never work!\" groaned the blonde. \"I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15231,
"title": "Weigh To Go"
},
{
"body": "It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown - and fewer still to ignore someone completely.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15233,
"title": "Grim Ace"
},
{
"body": "I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15234,
"title": "What's YOUR Problem?"
},
{
"body": "A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the game - and Dad can't find the tickets.\r\n\r\nDad: \"Nip home and see if I left the tickets there.\"\r\nBobby: \"No probs, Dad.\"\r\n\r\nHalf an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium.\r\n\r\nBobby: \"Yep, they're on the kitchen table where you left them.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15237,
"title": "Wears the Tickets"
},
{
"body": "A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light. The guy was a real jerk, demanding, \"Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!\"\r\n\r\nThe officer calmly told him of his violation.\r\n\r\nThe man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry and pastimes in explicit terms.\r\n\r\nThe officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put \"AH\" in the corner and then handed it to the man to sign.\r\n\r\nThe man demanded to know what \"AH\" meant.\r\n\r\nThe officer said, \"That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you were such an asshole!\" and then returned to his cruiser.\r\n\r\nThe violator's bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him. The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, \"Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don't normally make?\"\r\n\r\n\"Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there's an underlined 'AH.'\"\r\n\r\n\"What does 'AH' stand for, officer?\"\r\n\r\n\"Aggressive and hostile, sir.\"\r\n\r\n\"Aggressive and hostile?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, sir.\"\r\n\r\n\"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for 'asshole'?\"\r\n\r\nThe officer said. \"Well, sir, you know your client better than I!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15238,
"title": "Knowing Your Client"
},
{
"body": "A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.\r\n\r\nHowever, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paid job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.\r\n\r\nSo one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:\r\n\r\n\"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?\"\r\n\r\nAnd a great voice was heard from above: \"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15239,
"title": "Pious V Impious"
},
{
"body": "A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod - one that did not admit Jews.\r\n\r\nThe desk clerk looked down at his book and said, \"Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.\" The Jewish lady said, \"But your sign says that you have vacancies.\" The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, \"You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town...\"\r\n\r\nMrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, \"I'll have you know I converted to your religion.\"\r\n\r\nThe desk clerk said, \"Oh, yeah? Let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?\"\r\n\r\nMrs. Rosenberg replied, \"He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.\"\r\n\r\n\"Very good,\" replied the hotel clerk. \"Tell me more.\"\r\n\r\nMrs. Rosenberg replied, \"He was born in a manger.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's right,\" said the hotel clerk. \"And why was he born in a manger?\"\r\n\r\nMrs. Rosenberg said loudly, \"Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15240,
"title": "Have You Got a Room?"
},
{
"body": "Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.\r\n\r\n\"I want a baby more than anything in the world,\" said the first, \"but I guess it is impossible.\"\r\n\r\n\"I used to feel just the same way,\" said the second. \"But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months.\"\r\n\r\n\"Please, tell me what you did.\"\r\n\r\n\"I went to a faith healer.\"\r\n\r\n\"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit.\"\r\n\r\nThe other woman whispered, \"Try going alone next time, dear.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15241,
"title": "Keep the Faith"
},
{
"body": "It is important -\r\n\r\n1. It is important to find a woman who is a good cook and housekeeper.\r\n\r\n2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.\r\n\r\n3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex regularly.\r\n\r\n\r\n4. It is important that these three women never meet.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15242,
"title": "It is Important"
},
{
"body": "Joseph, Mary and their son were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, \"Did you call me?\"\r\n\r\n\"No, I'm sorry,\" Joseph replied, \"I just hit my thumb with the hammer again.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15243,
"title": "What Did You Say?"
},
{
"body": "Abraham wanted to put Windows Vista on his computer, but Isaac was concerned: \"But father, we don't have enough memory for that!\"\r\n\r\n\"Don't worry, son, God will provide the RAM.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15244,
"title": "Windows Vista"
},
{
"body": "A little boy was overheard praying:\r\n\r\n\"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15245,
"title": "Doing Good"
},
{
"body": "Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, \"Convert to Catholicism and get $10.\"\r\nOne of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, \"Murray, what's going on?\"\r\n\"Abe,\" replies Murray, \"I'm thinking of doing it.\"\r\nAbe says, \"What, are you crazy?\"\r\nMurray thinks for a minute and says, \"Abe, I'm going to do it.\"\r\nWith that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. \"So,\" asks Abe, \"did you get your ten dollars?\"\r\nMurray looks up at him and says, \"Is that all you people think of?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15246,
"title": "The Convert"
},
{
"body": "The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.\r\n\"Your Holiness,\" said one of the Cardinals, \"Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.\"\r\nThe Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand, \"Have we not,\" he asked, \"a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?\"\r\n\"None that plays golf very well,\" a cardinal said. \"But,\" he added, \"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, and then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as \r\nyour personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match.\"\r\nEveryone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored, and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.\r\n\"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,\" said the golfer.\r\n\"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,\" said the Pope.\r\n\"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.\"\r\n\"And the bad news?\" the Pope asked. \r\nNicklaus sighed. \"I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15247,
"title": "Well Below Par"
},
{
"body": "Just before a new redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, \"Count to ten, and then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick \r\nyou up.\"\r\n\r\nThe paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened.\r\n\r\nHe pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened.\r\n\r\nAs he plummeted to the ground, he said to himself, \"I'll bet that truck won't be there either!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15248,
"title": "His First Parachute Jump"
},
{
"body": "\"If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners.\r\n\r\nAfter all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15249,
"title": "Accept"
},
{
"body": "Here in the Kentucky hills, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He \r\ntakes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes!\r\nMeanwhile, Maw & Paw Abner were sitting on the porch swing, talking bout the good old days when Maw spots the biggest bird she has ever seen!\r\n\"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!\" she exclaims.\r\nPaw raises up; \"Get my gun, Maw.\"\r\nMaw runs into the house, brings out his pump action shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG..BANG..BANG...BANG! The monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the treetops.\r\n\r\n\"I think ya missed him, Paw,\" she says.\r\n\"Yeah,\" he replies, \"but at least he let go of old Zeek!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15250,
"title": "Hang Gliding"
},
{
"body": "How can you be sad when you are at the Sunshine Happiness Parade of Friendly Friends?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15251,
"title": "Sunshine Friendship"
},
{
"body": "Redneck Threats:\r\n\r\n\r\n- I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtalk style.\r\n\r\n- This'll jar your preserves.\r\n\r\n- Don't you be making' me open a can o' whoop-ass on yaw!",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15252,
"title": "Redneck Threats"
},
{
"body": "Ah - The things you see with.\r\nAy-rab - The people who inhabit much of North Africa.\r\nBidness - The art of selling something for more than you paid for it.\r\nBobbycue - A delectable Southern sandwich of chopped pork, coleslaw, and a fiery sauce.\r\nBud - Small feathered creature that flies.\r\nChekatawfarya - Heard at service stations in small Southern towns.\r\nCo-Cola - Soft drink.\r\nCrine - Weeping.\r\nDawfins - Name of the professional football team in Miami.\r\nDoc - A condition caused by the absence of light.\r\nEtlanna - The city General Sherman burned during the war for Southern independence.\r\nEverthang - All-encompassing.\r\nFoller - Spies and private detectives spend a lot of time doing this.\r\nGit - To acquire.\r\nGoff - A game played with clubs and a little white ball.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15253,
"title": "How to Talk Native Southern V"
},
{
"body": "Gull - A young female.\r\nHale - Where General Sherman went for what he did to Etlanna.\r\nMoanin - Between daybreak and noon.\r\nMotuhsickle - A two-wheeled missile with a powerful engine. \r\nNekkid - To be unclothed.\r\nOvair - In that direction.\r\nOwn - Instead of awf.\r\nPhrasin - Very cold.\r\nSebmup - Soft drink similar to ginger ale.\r\nShow - \"It show is hot today.\"\r\nSpearmint - Something scientist do.\r\nStow - Place where things are sold.\r\nTal - What you dry off with after you take a share.\r\nUhmukin - Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka.\r\nZackly \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Precisely.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15254,
"title": "How to Talk Native Southern VI"
},
{
"body": "Redneck Compliments\r\n\r\n\r\n- Cute as a sack full of puppies.\r\n\r\n- If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.\r\n\r\n- Gooder than grits.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15255,
"title": "Redneck Compliments"
},
{
"body": "Why is Alabama the smartest state in the U.S.? \r\n\r\nIt has four \"A\"s and a \"B\".",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15260,
"title": "Bam Bam!"
},
{
"body": "If you think I'm a redneck tell that to my kids: Bobby Sue, Buck, Jim Bob, Bubba, Enus, Jed, Dwayne, Billy Bob, Clitus, Dale, Otis, Coy, Bo, Hattie, Cooter, Wade, Larlene, Clint, Delmont and Luther.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15261,
"title": "Redneck Kids"
},
{
"body": "One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh,c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out, so he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise - out popped a genie.\r\n\r\nThe genie asked, as genies will, \"What is your first wish?\" The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, \"I would like to be rich!\" So the genie granted him his wish, and - poof - the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.\r\n\r\nSince the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, \"My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!\" and - poof - he was there.\r\n\r\nThen the government worker decided on his third wish; \"I don't want to do any work ever again!\" and - poof - he was back in his office!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15262,
"title": "3 Wishes (With a Twist)"
},
{
"body": "People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah?\r\n\r\nWhen's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who \"rested to death?\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15264,
"title": "Aarvark Never Killed Anyone"
},
{
"body": "The boss, to four of his employees: \"I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go.\"\r\n\r\nBlack employee: \"I'm a protected minority.\"\r\n\r\nFemale employee: \"And I'm a woman.\"\r\n\r\nOldest employee: \"Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin.\"\r\n\r\n...at which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: \"I think I might be gay...\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15265,
"title": "Oh, No, Not Me!"
},
{
"body": "Two detectives were investigating a scene, The victims had their hands and head cut off. \"It's going to be a nightmare identifying the bodies, with no finger prints or faces\" said one. The other replied, \"I thought it would be rather easy, how many people do you know walking around with no head or hands?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15266,
"title": "CSI?"
},
{
"body": "Carton of eggs~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ $3\r\nSki mask~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ $14\r\nTickets to a Brittany concert~~~~~~ $84\r\nEgging the crap out of America's Pop Princess?? PRICELESS",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15267,
"title": "Priceless"
},
{
"body": "An old preacher was just getting out of church and was driving home through his neighborhood. As he was turning the corner of one of the major streets in his neighborhood, he noticed 3 boys playing dice on the sidewalk, and betting money along with it. The old preacher thinks to himself how awful the situation is, that these young children are already heading down the life of sin and he should do something to stop it.\r\n\r\nThe old preacher pulls over and gets out on the opposite side of the street and starts walking over to the boys. He calls out to the oldest looking one and asked the boy to \"come here\" so that as he's walking towards the boys, the oldest boy would be walking towards him. When the boy reached him, the old preacher asked him what he was doing.\r\n\r\n\"Gambling, sir\" retorted the boy.\r\n\"Gambling?! How old are you son?\" asked the preacher.\r\n\"I'm 14.\"\r\n\"14?! Well if you turn that around, you'll be 41. You'll have reached the middle years of your life, and if you stick to gambling in all that time, you'll have thrown your whole life away. You could have been married, had a successful job, kids, a home, a family, but no. You'll have thought gambling was such a \"good life.\" Is that what you want? Did you want to live your life through sin and banished from God's grace?\"\r\n\"N-n-o sir!\" wailed the boy.\r\n\"Good lad. Now head on home son. The lord is smiling to find out you've said no to sin\" the old preacher smiled as the boy went his way down the street.\r\n\r\nHe looked back at the other 2 boys and realized they were still shooting dice. He calls back to the next oldest looking boy and asked him to come closer.\r\n\r\n\"You boy, how old are you son?\" questioned the preacher.\r\n\"I'm 12, sir.\" answered the boy.\r\n\"12?! Well now look here boy. If you turned that around, you'll be 21. You'll have been at the prime of your life. You'll be halfway through college, seeing a very lovely young lady, talking about starting a family with you. All these big decisions you'll be facing, and you'll have the heart to make them but not if you continue down this destructive gambling path. The colleges will turn down your applications because your credit will be bad, and your young lovely lady friend will leave you because you just can't seem to get your finances in order due to this overwhelming problem of yours. On top of everything the Mighty Lord will be frowning upon your conduct and your choice to live the life of sin. Leave this world behind son. It starts now. Now go on home son! Make the lord proud of you, for his warm smile will be all the coercing you need to leave this life behind.\"\r\n\"Y-y-yes sir!\" said the boy, and he went the opposite way down the street towards his home.\r\n\r\nThe preacher thought his work was done for surely the final boy must have heard his words being said to his friend, but sure enough, when the preacher looked back, there he was, still shooting dice and gambling.\r\n\"I don't believe this!\" he muttered. \"You boy, come here a second!\"\r\n\r\nThe other boy walked casually toward the preacher.\r\n\r\n\"How old are you son? Let me show you why this gambling life is a bad choice for you.\"\r\n\r\n\"Good mister, cause I'm 11. I'd much like to hear it!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15268,
"title": "Preacher Stops Gambling"
},
{
"body": "The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call \"Lunch and Learn\" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and \r\nmental health issues.\r\n\r\nIf the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.\r\n\r\nSo, last week, this flier came around:\r\n\r\nLUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR: \r\nWHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE? \r\n\r\n(Get your manager's permission before attending)",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15269,
"title": "Lunch and Learn"
},
{
"body": "Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess;\r\n\r\nIf a barber makes a mistake, it's a new style...\r\n\r\nIf a driver makes a mistake, it is an accident...\r\n\r\nIf a politician makes a mistake, it is a new law...\r\n\r\nIf a scientist makes a mistake, it is a new invention...\r\n\r\nIf a tailor makes a mistake, it is a new fashion...\r\n\r\nIf a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory...\r\n\r\nIf our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake...\r\n\r\nIf an employee makes a mistake, it is a \"MISTAKE.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 15270,
"title": "And That Makes . . . ."
},
{
"body": "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.\r\n\r\nAlso, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15271,
"title": "A Prayer"
},
{
"body": "When a women found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news.\r\n\r\nOne day, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby.\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" he said. \"I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it Quits.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15273,
"title": "Name of the Child"
},
{
"body": "Happiness doesn't bring money.\r\n\r\nI want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I'm now.\r\n\r\nThe government has at least one problem for every solution.\r\n\r\nOnly the conservatives can make the country like it used to be - a huge swamp full of dinosaurs.\r\n\r\nDemocracy is having freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the thoughtfulness to use neither one.\r\n\r\nIf you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't come to yours.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15274,
"title": "Some One-Liners"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a group of Jew baritones and sopranos singing?\r\n\r\nSoap opera.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15275,
"title": "Jewish Group"
},
{
"body": "As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring. \"What happened, Lily?\" she asked, pointing to the bare finger. \"The wedding off?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yeah,\" Lily admitted. \"I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked so different without his wallet.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15277,
"title": "Ring - No Ring"
},
{
"body": "These are real labelings on real products that they sell around the world.\r\n\r\nOn a bar of Dial soap: \"Directions: Use like regular soap.\" (And that would be how?...)\r\n\r\nOn some Swanson frozen dinners: \"Serving suggestion: Defrost.\" (But it's just a SUGGESTION.)\r\n\r\nOn Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): \"Do not turn upside down.\" (Hmm, a no go on the dessert)\r\n\r\nOn Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: \"Product will be hot after heating.\" (Really? I thought it would be cold)\r\n\r\nOn packaging for a Rowenta iron: \"Do not iron clothes on body.\" (Oh darn, I was going to!)\r\n\r\nOn Boot's Children Cough Medicine:\"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.\" (That would really bring down the number of construction accidents by keeping those 5-year-olds off of those forklifts!)\r\n\r\nOn Nytol Sleep Aid: \"Warning: May cause drowsiness.\" (And I'm taking this because?)\r\n\r\nOn most brands of Christmas lights: \"For indoor or outdoor use only.\" (Well, where else would I use them?)\r\n\r\nOn Sunsbury's peanuts: \"Warning: contains nuts.\" (Whoa, news flash!)\r\n\r\nOn an American Airlines packet of nuts: \"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.\" (Wow, musta taken a genius to write this one.)\r\n\r\nOn a Swedish chainsaw:\"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.\" (Thanks for the tip)\r\n\r\nOn a love sack: caution: Do not play on - may cause injury or death. (Death?)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15280,
"title": "Labelings"
},
{
"body": "Back in the days of old,\r\nBefore condoms were invented,\r\nKnights wrapped socks\r\nAround their cocks,\r\nAnd babies were prevented.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 15283,
"title": "Knights"
},
{
"body": "Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness.\r\n\r\nHas anyone seen my watch?\r\n\r\nThat was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.\r\n\r\nWell, this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?\r\n\r\nHand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie. If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.\r\n\r\nWhat do you mean, he's not insured?\r\n\r\nLet's hurry; I don't want to miss \"Baywatch.\"\r\n\r\nThat laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?\r\n\r\nOf course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 15284,
"title": "Things You Don't Want to Hear IV"
},
{
"body": "Here's a little list of \"Doc-isms\" - What doctors say, and what they're really thinking: \r\n\r\n\"I'd like to have my associate look at you.\" \r\nHe's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle. \r\n\r\n\"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?\" \r\nYou're crazier'n a loon. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ... \r\n\r\n\"There is a lot of that going around.\" \r\nMy God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.\r\n\r\n\"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.\" \r\nI've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.\r\n\r\n\"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week?\" \r\nI'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. \r\n- or -\r\nI need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 15285,
"title": "What Doctors Say"
},
{
"body": "It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, \"It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid.\"\r\n\r\nThe woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, \"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 15286,
"title": "Pretentions - Or, Do Not Assume!"
},
{
"body": "An American, wearing Bermuda shorts, T-shirt, and a baseball cap, walks into a caf\u00c3\u00a9, chewing on gum. He sits next to this French guy who is trying to enjoy his \r\nbreakfast and is not in the mood for small talk.\r\n\r\nThe American, aware of the Frenchman's mood, tries to be smart. He sees the man eating a roll with jelly and decides to remark on that.\r\n\"You French people eat the entire roll of bread?!\" he says in an astonished tone.\r\n\"Yes,\" replies the Frenchman and resumes eating.\r\n\"Not us,\" says the American. \"We only eat the inside and then throw the crust in a container, process it and sell it to the French as croissants.\"\r\nThe Frenchman calmly ignores him and continues to eat.\r\n\r\n\"Eww...\" says the American, \"You eat your bread with that jelly?\"\r\n\"Yes,\" says the Frenchman.\r\n\"Not us,\" says the American, \"We only eat fresh fruits. Then we throw the peel in a container, process it and sell it to the French as jelly.\"\r\n\r\n\"Really?\" says the Frenchman, \"And what do you do with your used condoms?\"\r\nTaken aback, the American says, \"Uhh... we just throw them away.\"\r\n\"Not us,\" said the Frenchman, \"We throw them in a container, process them, and sell it as gum to the Americans.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 15287,
"title": "Got Any Gum, Chum?"
},
{
"body": "A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. \"Jury trial,\" the defendant replied.\r\n\r\n\"Do you understand the difference?\" asked the judge.\r\n\r\n\"Sure,\" replied the defendant, \"That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15288,
"title": "What Are The Odds?"
},
{
"body": "Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?\r\n\r\nJuror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.\r\n\r\nJudge: Can't they do without you at work?\r\n\r\nJuror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15289,
"title": "Kept in the Dark"
},
{
"body": "You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15291,
"title": "Fool III"
},
{
"body": "Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15292,
"title": "Natural Mimics"
},
{
"body": "\"There is only one pretty child in the world and every parent has it.\" - Chinese Proverb.\r\n\r\nA child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.\r\n\r\nThe best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15293,
"title": "As Scrooge Said - Bumhug!"
},
{
"body": "A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.\r\n\r\nThe husband responded, \"When we were first married we came to an agreement - I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions.\r\n\r\nAnd now, after 60 years of marriage, I can truthfully say that we have never needed to make a MAJOR decision.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15294,
"title": "Secret of a Long Marriage"
},
{
"body": "One way to take care of the world's population.\r\n\r\nThe IRS has reported the \"disappearance\" of more than 8 million American children during the late 1980s, \"caused\" by tax reform legislation. That number is the total of all children claimed as dependents of beneficiaries of child care tax credits before 1987 but who were never again claimed once the IRS started requiring proof that such children existed.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 15295,
"title": "Now, Where DID They Go?"
},
{
"body": "Little four-year-old Jenny was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep.\r\n\r\nAfter staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Jenny looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, \"Didn't he come with batteries?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15296,
"title": "Little Jenny"
},
{
"body": "My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Billy's room. Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die - no amount of talking could change his mind.\r\n\r\nDesperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it, and demanded cheerfully, \"Do it again, Dad!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15297,
"title": "The Lost Coin?"
},
{
"body": "A woman and her lover are in bed, when there's a knock on the door.\r\n\r\nShe says, \"It must be my husband! Ok, I'll handle this.\"\r\n\r\nShe grabs the trash bin, opens the door and, smiling sweetly, says to her husband, \"Darling, please empty the trash.\"\r\n\r\nWhile he is out, the other man escapes and walks back home.\r\n\r\nHe thinks, \"She is sooo smart, unlike my wife.\"\r\n\r\nHe comes up to his door and knocks, his wife opens the door, and hands him the trash bin, saying, \"Darling, please empty the trash bin.\"\r\n\r\nHe carries the basket, thinking, \"What a stupid bitch! The whole damn day at home, and can't find some time to empty the trash!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15298,
"title": "Where's You Bin?"
},
{
"body": "\"Equal\" is not always synonymous with \"the same.\" Men and women are created equal; but boys and girls are not born the same.\r\n1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.\r\n2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your \r\nhome to the church, even if you're driving there.\r\n3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.\r\n4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.\r\n5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.\r\n6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.\r\n7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.\r\n8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.\r\n9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long, not because they look nice, but because they can dig them into a boy's arm.\r\n10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.\r\n11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.\r\n12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.\r\n13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched \"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles\" movie three times in a row.\r\n14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15299,
"title": "Equal?"
},
{
"body": "When a girl needs advice, why can't her brother help her?\r\n \r\nBecause he can't be a brother and assist her too.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n(And a sister too!)",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15300,
"title": "Oh, Brother!"
},
{
"body": "A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough, a nurse writes. She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, \"Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there.\"\r\n\r\nThe child looked at me and said, \"I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15301,
"title": "Bear Necessities"
},
{
"body": "I think - therefore I'm single. (Lizz Winstead)\r\n\r\nIn politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. (Margaret Thatcher)\r\n\r\nWhen women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. (Elayne Boosler)\r\n\r\nI'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. (Dolly Parton)\r\n\r\nI'm not going to vacuum 'till Sears makes one you can ride on. (Roseanne Barr)\r\n\r\nIf men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? (Linda Ellerbee)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15302,
"title": "Quotes From Famous Women"
},
{
"body": "I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.\r\nGregory, 5\r\n\r\nEverybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos any more. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.\r\nOlive, 9\r\n\r\nIt's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.\r\nMatthew, 9\r\n\r\nAngels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.\r\nMitchell, 7\r\n\r\nMy guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.\r\nHenry, 8\r\n\r\nAngels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!\r\nJack, 6\r\n\r\nAngels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.\r\nDaniel, 9",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15303,
"title": "Angels Explained By Children I"
},
{
"body": "When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.\r\nReagan, 10\r\n\r\nAngels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.\r\nSara, 6\r\n\r\nAngels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.\r\nJared, 8\r\n\r\nAll angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.\r\nAntonio, 9\r\n\r\nMy angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.\r\nKatelynn, 9\r\n\r\nSome of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.\r\nVicki, 8\r\n\r\nWhat I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.\r\nSarah, 7",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15304,
"title": "Angels Explained By Children II"
},
{
"body": "A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket.\r\n\r\nJust at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, \"Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 15305,
"title": "AHeavy Tipper"
},
{
"body": "Why shouldn't you take a Pokemon in the shower with you?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnswer:\r\n\r\nBecause it'll Pikachu! (peek at you...)",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15306,
"title": "Pokemon in the Shower"
},
{
"body": "A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.\r\n\r\nWhen the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.\r\n\r\nA few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed, \"Now cut that out! I warned you!\" and threw the group out of the bar.\r\n\r\nThe man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, \"If I've told them once I've told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 15307,
"title": "Vociferous in the Bar"
},
{
"body": "It's forty below zero one winter \"night\" in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, \"You owe me quite a bit on your tab.\"\r\n\r\n\"Sorry,\" says Pat, \"I'm flat broke this week.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's okay,\" says the bartender. \"I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall.\"\r\n\r\n\"But,\" says Pat, \"I don't want any of my friends to see that.\"\r\n\r\n\"They won't,\" says the bartender. \"I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 15308,
"title": "Keeping Tabs"
},
{
"body": "Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.\r\n\r\nThe bartender asks, \"Olive or twist?\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15309,
"title": "Great Expectations"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a bird and a fly?\r\n\r\nWell, a bird can fly . . .",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15310,
"title": "Boidy and a Fly"
},
{
"body": "A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.\r\n\r\n\"Art, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, sir!\" answers Art.\r\n\r\nThe doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: \"So, Artie, how was your day?\"\r\n\r\nArt told him that he had just of three patients. \"The first one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well done, mate; and the second one?\" asks the doctor.\r\n\r\n\"The second one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL, sir,\" says Art.\r\n\r\n\"Spot on! You're good at this; and what about the third one?\" asks the doctor.\r\n\r\n\"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Quick as a flash, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreads her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'\"\r\n\r\n\"Cheese and rice, Artie, what did you do?\" asks the doctor.\r\n\r\n\"I put drops in her eyes.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 15311,
"title": "The Day Off"
},
{
"body": "A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.\r\n\r\nAs soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: \"You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15315,
"title": "Mince Pie"
},
{
"body": "I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.\r\n\r\nSam Goldwyn.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15316,
"title": "Three Bags Full"
},
{
"body": "After Receiving an Invitation to an Inventors' Ball:\r\n\r\n Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.\r\n\r\n Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.\r\n\r\n Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.\r\n\r\n Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.\r\n\r\n Morse's reply: \"I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15317,
"title": "Inventors' Ball"
},
{
"body": "Psychiatrist to his nurse: \"Just say we're very busy.\r\n\r\nDon't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15318,
"title": "Too Correct"
},
{
"body": "What does the dentist of the year get?\r\n\r\n\r\n..A little plaque.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15319,
"title": "The Whole Tooth"
},
{
"body": "How do you know policemen are strong?\r\nBecause they can hold up traffic.\r\n\r\nWhat do termites eat for breakfast?\r\nOakmeal.\r\n\r\nWhat do massage therapists eat for dinner?\r\nSpa-ghetti.\r\n\r\nWhy were the suspenders arrested?\r\nFor holding up a pair of pants.\r\n\r\nHow does the queen bee get around her hive?\r\nShe's throne.\r\n\r\nWhat do bees do if they don't want to drive?\r\nWait at the buzz stop.\r\n\r\nTwo fish were in a tank. One said to the other, \"Do you know how to drive this thing?\"\r\n \r\nWhat's the friendliest school? \r\nHi school.\r\n\r\nWhat do you give a dog with a fever?\r\nMustard. (It's good for a hot dog.)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15321,
"title": "Bad Jokes 1"
},
{
"body": "There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.\r\n\r\nBeing a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, \"What's the Purple Wombat?\"\r\n\r\n\"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?\" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.\r\n\r\n\"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!\" one of the chldren shouted. \"Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!\"\r\n\r\nThe bus driver turned around abruptly. \"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?\" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.\r\n\r\nEventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.\r\n\r\nBilly's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, \"Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?\"\r\n\r\n\"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?\" the teacher cried in alarm, \"Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!\"\r\n\r\nSo Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.\r\n\r\n\"Well, Billy,\" he began slowly. \"What seems to be the problem?\"\r\n\r\n\"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff.\"\r\n\r\n\"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?\"\r\n\r\n\"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is.\"\r\n\r\n\"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended.\"\r\n\r\nThe principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.\r\n\r\n\"Billy!\" she called, sobbing, \"I was so worried about you! What happened?\"\r\n\r\n\"Mom,\" Billy cried, \"Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!\"\r\n\r\n\"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?\" Billy's mother shrieked. \"Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!\"\r\n\r\nSo Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.\r\n\r\n\"Billy,\" his father began in that lecturing-father tone, \"Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?\"\r\n\r\n\"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!\"\r\n\r\n\"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!\"\r\n\r\nBilly's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.\r\n\r\nThen, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: \"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy.\"\r\n\r\nBilly sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.\r\n\r\n\"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy.\"\r\n\r\nIt was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.\r\n\r\n\"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat.\"\r\n\r\nBilly jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.\r\n\r\n\"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy.\"\r\n\r\nThe voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.\r\n\r\n\"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy.\"\r\n\r\nBilly kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.\r\n\r\n\"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy.\"\r\n\r\nEventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.\r\n\r\n\"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy.\"\r\n\r\nIt was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.\r\n\r\n\"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy.\"\r\n\r\nThe voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: \"Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy.\"\r\n\r\nIt was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.\r\n\r\nMoral: Don't stand up in a boat.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15322,
"title": "A Little Boy By the Name of Billy"
},
{
"body": "Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.\r\n\r\nBill: \"While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.\"\r\n\r\nFrank: \"That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?\"\r\n\r\nBill: \"No, but my sister has.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15323,
"title": "New York Bar"
},
{
"body": "Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\n\r\nA. None. It's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark. Don't worry about me...",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 15324,
"title": "Jewish Mothers"
},
{
"body": "Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man, and from time to time the young nurse would come in and say in a patronising tone, \"And how are we doing this morning?\"\r\n\r\nWell, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and had taken the juice off the tray, putting it on his stand. Now, he had been given a urine bottle to fill - the juice was apple juice; you know where the juice went.\r\n\r\nThe nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, \"It seems we are a little cloudy today...\" At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, and drank the contents, saying, \"Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 15325,
"title": "Harry's Nurse"
},
{
"body": "How can a person living in Minnesota be buried in Milwaukee?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15326,
"title": "Dead"
},
{
"body": "I passed my ethics exam.\r\n\r\nNaturally, I cheated.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15327,
"title": "Ethics Exam"
},
{
"body": "I Found this on another website, it is soooo true =D\r\n\r\nYou call your dog Shinji and your cat Neko.\r\n\r\nYou perform a canon ball dive into a pool while yelling \"Spirit Bomb!\" \r\n\r\nYour house has an anime room. \r\n\r\nYou and your friends flash peace signs and take girlish poses when you are happy. \r\n\r\nYou get an anime tattoo. Even though you're scared of needles. \r\n\r\nYour walls are covered in wall scrolls and posters from your favorite series. \r\n\r\nIf you use the term 'Kawaii' for describing everything. \r\n\r\nYou try to convince your girlfriend that 'cat ears' and 'tail' really looks good on them. \r\n\r\nYou can sing songs from your favorite shows, in Japanese, even though you don't speak Japanese... \r\n\r\nYou spent hours looking through your library for a copy of \"The Universe of Four Gods\" \r\n\r\nYou have legally changed your name to that of your favorite character. \r\n\r\nYou wear a necklace and fall down every time someone says sit boy. \r\n\r\nYou insist on having an entrance that includes spotlights, music, and raining cherry blossoms (while you hold a rose if you're a guy). \r\n\r\nYour only dream is to attend Tokyo U with a girl you haven't seen in 15 years. \r\n\r\nYou play an instrument and you nick name it Inuyasha \r\n\r\nFor valentines day you buy a stuffed dog and make up your on Japanese name for it \r\n\r\nIf you get mad at you teacher and draw a picture of her as a anime demon cat \r\n\r\nYou watch Iron Chef constantly to pick up great recipes (haven't done it but plan to) \r\n\r\nYou've bought a twenty dollar ring in the shaped of a dragon to show off at school. \r\n\r\nYou always have your hair covering your left eye and always flipping it so you look like an anime character. \r\n\r\nYou think that falling flat on your back with your legs in the air is a normal reaction to big news. \r\n\r\nYou are worried because you don't have several desirable members of the opposite sex frantically trying to make you fall in love with them. \r\n\r\nYou shave a crescent moon onto your cats head, dye the cat purple, then take it to school and insist it's Luna, your talking cat. \r\n\r\nYou go around town trying to eat donuts and act all crazy-like, all the while saying you're Vash the Stampede. \r\n\r\nTo resolve a conflict, you insist in a duel. \r\n\r\nThe employees at Gamestop know you, and tell you when you walk in if they've gotten a new shipment of anime DVDs. \r\n\r\nYou've gotten angry at someone and placed two fingers on your forehead shouted the word \"Makanekasopo!\" (special beam cannon or light of death) and then poked them in the eye. \r\n\r\nYou waste countless amounts of hair gel to get that \"Goku look\" \r\n\r\nYou map out points in Tokyo where the Dragons of Earth might attack \r\n\r\nYou believe it is possible for a person to be severely beaten in the head with a large hammer, stick, etc...and still come out alive. \r\n\r\nYou have a moment of confusion whenever you go to school because there are no girls in those tiny little skirts that come with their school uniform \r\n\r\nYou yell out 'Baka hanyou Inu-Yasha!' at your birthday party and everyone (except your parents) knows you're talking to your boyfriend. \r\n\r\nYou tell your parents you need to stay out past curfew to save the colonies. \r\n\r\nEach time you see a stray animal, you turn your hat sideways and throw one of those plastic Pokeballs Burger King was giving out in their kids' meals yelling, \"POKEBALL, GO!\" \r\n\r\nYou add \"no da\" to the end of all statements you make \r\n\r\nThe majority of your CDs are Japanese or the English version of a Japanese soundtrack or the English soundtrack of an anime that just decided that it would use English in its songs. \r\n\r\nYou misplace your manga and someone at school you don't even know gives it to you saying they knew it was yours. \r\n\r\nYou incorporate Japanese, somehow, into every class. \r\n\r\nYou use random Japanese words such as baka, kawaii, and hentai. \r\n\r\nYou try to read every book from right to left \r\n\r\nYou take a break from watching anime to go to your computer (nicknamed Lord Conti) to download anime (for previewing purposes only! ;) ), while visiting your favorite anime forum, while listening to Japanese webradio... \r\n\r\nYou call your parents Oka-san and Otou-san \r\n\r\nYou say ITADAKIMASU!! Before you eat your meals \r\n\r\nYou think that locket your boyfriend gave you will turn you into a magical girl \r\n\r\nYou'll risk grounding to get a good new fanfic. \r\n\r\nYou constantly say \"w00p\" after almost every sentence. \r\n\r\nYou insist on chopsticks for everyday use. \r\n\r\nYour bookshelf is filled with anime boxed sets and no books \r\n\r\nYou stop listening to the radio because English makes no sense to you anymore and it's your first spoken language \r\n\r\nYou call yourself \"otaku.\" \r\n\r\nAll of your family portraits have been altered to the proper super large eye size. \r\n\r\nRandom battles seem to erupt wherever you go. \r\n\r\nYou take the time to write messages on your cigarettes, only to burn them right away. \r\n\r\nYour dreams are animated. \r\n\r\nYou naru punch all the guys at school, and then wonder why they don't follow you around like keitaro follows naru. \r\n\r\nYou hold your eyes really wide all day trying to make them stay big \r\n\r\nDuct tape is really funny to you and most of your threats involve taping people to walls. \r\n\r\nWhen you're washing dishes you yell out \"SUPAH WAVE SMASHUH!\" or any water attack. \r\n\r\nYou run out of space on your computer because the hard drive is taken up by hundreds of anime pics, mp3s, midis, and music videos. \r\n\r\nYou spend all night trying to figure out how many people you can get to go in with you on buying the complete collection of Sailor Moon episodes in Japanese. \r\n\r\nYou spend your whole spring break working on an anime webpage. \r\n\r\nYou expect to see a teardrop over someone's head when they get embarrassed. \r\n\r\nYou start to speak with an odd accent. \r\n\r\nYou can watch two animes in the same room at the same time and still have the TV off. \r\n\r\nYou know your favorite character's blood type. \r\n\r\nKnowing Sailor Moon helps you on an Astronomy test. \r\n\r\nYou actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to anime.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15328,
"title": "You Know You're Addicted to Anime When..."
},
{
"body": "One day a 6 year old was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:\r\n\r\nTEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?\r\nTOMMY: Yes.\r\nTEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?\r\nTOMMY: Yes.\r\nTEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.\r\nTOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.\r\nTEACHER: Did you see God?\r\nTOMMY: No.\r\nTEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He just doesn't exist.\r\n\r\nA little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.\r\n\r\nThe teacher agreed and the little girl asked the\r\nboy:\r\n\r\nLITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?\r\nTOMMY: Yes\r\nLITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?\r\nTOMMY: Yessssss!\r\nLITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?\r\nTOMMY: Yessssss!\r\nLITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?\r\nTOMMY: Yes.\r\nLITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?\r\nTOMMY: No.\r\nLITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!\r\n\r\nBURN!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15334,
"title": "Quality Learning"
},
{
"body": "Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like.\r\n\r\nOn the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15335,
"title": "Identi-kit"
},
{
"body": "\"I've just had the most awful time,\" said a boy to his friends. \"First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy.\"\r\n\r\n\"Wow! How did you pull through?\" sympathized his friends.\r\n\r\n\"I don't know,\" the boy replied. \"Toughest spelling test I ever had.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 15336,
"title": "Boy, I Had it Tough!"
},
{
"body": "An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, \"The parrot I purchased uses improper language.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm surprised,\" said the owner. \"I've not taught that bird to swear.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, it isn't that,\" explained the professor, \"but yesterday I heard him split an infinitive.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15337,
"title": "Doing the Splits"
},
{
"body": "Two anthropologists fly to the South Sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later one of them takes a canoe over to the other island to see how his colleague is doing. When he gets there, he finds the other anthropologist standing among a group of natives.\r\n\r\n\"Greetings! How is it going?\" says the visiting anthropologist.\r\n\r\n\"Wonderful!\" says the other, \"I have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch!\"\r\n\r\nHe points at a palm tree and says, \"What is that?\"\r\nThe natives, in unison, say \"Umbalo-gong!\"\r\nHe then points at a rock and says, \"and that?\"\r\nThe natives again intone \"Umbalo-gong!\"\r\n\r\n\"You see!\" says the beaming anthropologist, \"They use the SAME word for 'rock' and for 'palm tree'!\"\r\n\r\n\"That is truly amazing!\" says the astonished visiting anthropologist, \"On the other island, the same word means 'index finger'!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15338,
"title": "Pointing the Finger"
},
{
"body": "A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. \"Is it true,\" he asked, \"that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?\"\r\n\r\n\"That depends,\" replied the guide, \"on how fast you carry the flashlight.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15339,
"title": "Alligator Attack!"
},
{
"body": "A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. \"Give me a corned beef sandwich,\" he ordered.\r\n\r\n\"Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special.\"\r\n\r\n\"What's a Midnight Special?\"\r\n\r\n\"A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread.\"\r\n\r\n\"Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?\"\r\n\r\n\"Why, sure!\" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: \"One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15340,
"title": "The Short Order"
},
{
"body": "An agriculture student said to a farmer: \"Your methods are too old-fashioned. I wouldn't be surprised if this tree gave you less than twenty pounds of apples.\"\r\n\r\n\"Wouldn't surprise me, either,\" said the farmer, \"this is an orange tree.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15341,
"title": "The Apples"
},
{
"body": "The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15342,
"title": "Deja Vu"
},
{
"body": "Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15343,
"title": "4 on the Floor"
},
{
"body": "Don't argue with an idiot.\r\n\r\nHe may be doing the same thing.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15344,
"title": "Argue Meant"
},
{
"body": "Do not try to guess your wife's size.\r\n\r\nJust buy her anything marked \"petite\" and hold on to the receipt.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15345,
"title": "Sighs?"
},
{
"body": "Knowledge cannot enter the head via an open mouth.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15346,
"title": "You Know Something?"
},
{
"body": "Astronomy is looking up.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15347,
"title": "Oh, My Stars!"
},
{
"body": "Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to fine art.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15348,
"title": "\u00c2\u00a9rap"
},
{
"body": "Join the fight against brutality.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15349,
"title": "To Arms!"
},
{
"body": "Helen Waite is our credit manager. If you want credit, go to Helen Waite.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15350,
"title": "See Helen"
},
{
"body": "Why isn't there a tax on stuff I DON'T like?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15351,
"title": "Attacks"
},
{
"body": "One day at a school for the deaf (hearing impaired), they decide to have one of the students lead a pep rally for the football team. Here's how it went.\r\n\r\nRally leader: What are we gonna do?\r\n\r\nRalliers: Defeat them!\r\n\r\nRL: I can't hear you!\r\n\r\nR: Defeat them!\r\n\r\nRL: I can't hear you!\r\n\r\nR: Defeat them!\r\n\r\nRL: I can't hear you!\r\n\r\nR: Defeat them!\r\n\r\nRL: I can't hear you!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15352,
"title": "Football Pep Rally For the Deaf"
},
{
"body": "I was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....\r\n\r\nHe turned to the crowd of guests and said, \"Will those who are from the bride's side of the family stand up please?\" About twenty people stood. \r\n\r\nThen he asked, \"Will those who are from the groom's side of the family stand up as well?\" About twenty five people stood up.\r\n\r\nThen he smiled and said, \"Will all those who stood please leave, this is a birthday party.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15353,
"title": "Welcome to the Party"
},
{
"body": "One day, two children are bickering on the playground.\r\n\r\nKid 1: My mom says that kids who get whatever they want are spoiled and rotten and stuck-up.\r\n\r\nKid 2: Well, I'm not spoiled.\r\n\r\nKid 1: Yeah, you are, you get everything you want.\r\n\r\nKid 2: I don't get everything I want.\r\n\r\nKid 1: Yeah, you do.\r\n\r\nKid 2: No, I don't, because I \"want\" you to shut-up!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15354,
"title": "Not So Spoiled Brat."
},
{
"body": "Into town I drove my tank,\r\nI was gonna rob a bank.\r\nMy money was running really low,\r\nAs I got near I shouted \"bank ho!\"\r\n\r\nDrove a hole right through the wall,\r\nFound I was in a shoppin' mall.\r\nI 'poligized'n left through the hole.\r\nI was definitely not on a roll.\r\n\r\nI snuck a look at my GPS\u00e2\u0084\u00a2 \r\nBlew up a truck labeled HESS\u00e2\u0084\u00a2.\r\nThen I proceeded towards the bank;\r\nOh how dearly I love my tank.\r\n\r\nHeaded towards the Eastern wall,\r\nRan a kid over, like a doll.\r\nWith a push and a heave, the wall broke.\r\nThe button \"fire\" I got ready to poke. \r\n\r\nOh so fun to rob a bank;\r\n'cept my hair was pretty lank.\r\nWouldn't believe how hot it was there,\r\nHumidity is bad for your hair.\r\n\r\nShot down the security,\r\nTheir defense was very measly.\r\nThen I headed towards the main vault,\r\nAbruptly my tank came to a halt.\r\n\r\n\"Out of gas!\" I exclaimed.\r\nHopped out but a guard I had maimed,\r\nHe took out a big gun and shot at me.\r\n\"Ow!\" I yelled, he laughed \"tee hee hee hee.\"\r\n\r\nThen the guard raised the alarm.\r\nGuards came before I could harm,\r\nThat slug who had blown my secrecy,\r\nGee, isn't this utter ludicrousy?\r\n\r\nNow I've told you my story;\r\nJust brimming with blood and glory.\r\nSadly I never got any money;\r\nYou're sadistic if you find this funny.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15355,
"title": "Tank Song"
},
{
"body": "As a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn.\r\nAs you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn.\r\nWhat do you do?\r\n I would get the flock out of there!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15357,
"title": "A Shepherd, a Wolf, and a Flock"
},
{
"body": "The following is something actually said by my dad. I wanted to see what my dad would say if I said I might be gay, here was his reaction.\r\n\r\nYOU'D BETTER NOT BE!! EVEN IF I HAVE TO BUY YOU SOME PUSSY, YOU WILL NOT BE GAY!!!!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15358,
"title": "Dad's Reaction"
},
{
"body": "Why do they call it \"PMS\"?\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause \"Mad Cow Disease\" was already taken.\r\n\r\n\r\n(Apologies to anyone who's offended - but it IS funny, which is the only valid test of a joke; if it's funny and someone is offended by it, considering WHY they're offended even though it's a joke can provide insight into their attitude toward the topic.)\r\n\r\n\"I learned the truth from Lenny Bruce\"\r\n - Paul Simon.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15359,
"title": "PMS"
},
{
"body": "Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15360,
"title": "Marble - Ous"
},
{
"body": "As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15361,
"title": "Have Faith?"
},
{
"body": "Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15362,
"title": "Well Informed"
},
{
"body": "ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15363,
"title": ". . . . . .Don't Ask!"
},
{
"body": "I learned French in six easy liasons.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15364,
"title": "Quatre, Cinq, .. . .Er?."
},
{
"body": "When a man wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince him.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15365,
"title": "I KNOW I'm Right!"
},
{
"body": "Earlier today, I took a glimpse at the news. They were doing a report on a new recipe for twinkies. Now they will taste healthier, but still have the same amount of calories, because of course, people can taste health.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15366,
"title": "Twinkies"
},
{
"body": "\"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.\"\r\n\r\n- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15367,
"title": "Grand Job(!)"
},
{
"body": "Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. \r\n\r\n- Socrates (470 - 399 BC)",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15368,
"title": "Same Old, Same Old"
},
{
"body": "British Columbia, Canada: Police officers on patrol about 1:00 am spotted 4 men breaking into a vehicle. They gave chase on foot, catching and arresting two of the men. The other two escaped.\r\n\r\nA couple of hours later, two men showed up at the main desk of the police station, asking when their buddies were going to be released. They were carrying (and wearing) items which had been stolen from the car.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15369,
"title": "You Couldn't Make It Up II"
},
{
"body": "The Democratic National Committee finally released thousands of pages of financial disclosure information. \r\n\r\nSays Vince Vieceli, \"Unfortunately, they released them from a third-floor balcony in New York during the parade for the Yankees.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15370,
"title": "Why Did You Not Read It?"
},
{
"body": "John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S. Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930's. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals, and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950's at the rank of full colonel.\r\n\r\nReturning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno State College (later to become the California State University, Fresno.) His work was well respected, but after about ten years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.\r\n\r\nHe was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelor's degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a favor by letting him keep his job by getting \"only\" a master's degree.\r\n\r\nSo John enrolled in a summer program at an out of state college. Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study would get him his MA.\r\n\r\nOn the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped when he read John's name. \"Are you related to the John Kallam who wrote the textbook we'll be using?\" he asked.\r\n\r\n\"I am the John Kallam who wrote the textbook you're using,\" came the dry response.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15371,
"title": "That's Me"
},
{
"body": "A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast, and everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However, one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.\r\n\r\n\"Why did you do that?\" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.\r\n\r\n\"I know where he lives,\" came the reply, \"and he wouldn't have made it.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15372,
"title": "What Time Do You Call This?"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner, \"Do your Shih Tzu dogs breed well?\"\r\n\r\nThe owner says,\"Sure they do.\" \r\n\r\nAfter a minute, the man says, with a grin, \"What about your bull dogs?\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes they breed well, too.\" \r\n\r\nThe man, happy with this, buys both. The owner asks, \"Why do you need to know that anyway?\" \r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"I'm going to go home and breed a bullshit!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15373,
"title": "Pet Shop"
},
{
"body": "(Told You So)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15374,
"title": "No Joke Here"
},
{
"body": "\"Do you want me to give you a knuckle sandwich?\"\r\n\r\n\"Sure, but I want it cut into triangles and with the crust peeled off.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 15379,
"title": "Disected Punch"
},
{
"body": "Seems Paris Hilton is having visits from a speech therapist - she's having trouble finishing a sentence!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15380,
"title": "Paris, Paris!"
},
{
"body": "Grocery List; (noun)\r\n\r\nA piece of paper you spend half an hour writing, and then forget to take with you to the store.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15381,
"title": "Grocery List"
},
{
"body": "Lipstick; (noun)\r\n\r\nOn your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth.\r\nOn his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15382,
"title": "Connie Francis (1959)"
},
{
"body": "Foreign Film\r\n\r\nAny movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15383,
"title": "Foreign Film"
},
{
"body": "Battle\r\n\r\nWhere a whole lot of white men kill a few Indians.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nMassacre\r\n\r\nWhere a whole lot of Indians kill a few white men.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15384,
"title": "We and They"
},
{
"body": "Man\r\nA remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat his back.\r\n\r\nWoman\r\nCreature who acts nice to you because she doesn't like you, or mean, because she does.\r\n\r\nPeople\r\nSome make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.\r\n\r\nOptimist\r\nGirl who regards a bulge as a curve.\r\n\r\nPessimist\r\nMan who looks for a pink slip before the money in his pay envelope.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15386,
"title": "Defining the Undefinable"
},
{
"body": "Magazine\r\n\r\nBunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15387,
"title": "Magazine"
},
{
"body": "A blond man, Mark, was going to France over the summer. So he asked the advice of his friend, who had been to Paris last year.\r\n\r\n\"Oh!\" his friend said, \"The food in France is fabulous! Be sure to ask about their frog legs.\"\r\n\r\n\"FROG legs? Really?\" Mark couldn't believe it.\r\n\r\n\"Yeah. It seems strange, doesn't it?\"\r\n\r\nMark agreed to ask.\r\n\r\n\r\nA month later, Mark flew to France. He had a wonderful time seeing the sights, and forgot all about his friend's advice until his very last night, right before dinner. He was already seated at a table, and soon a waiter walked up to him to take his order.\r\n\r\n\"Well...\" Mark pondered, \"I'm not sure what I want.\" He decided to ask, then and there. \"Say- do you have frog legs?\"\r\n\r\n\"But of course!\" replied the waiter, proud of the quality of his restaurant.\r\n\r\nMark turned a shade of white. It was true! \r\n\r\n\"Are you okay, sir?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm... fine,\" Mark said, recovering well, \"Hop on over and bring me a sandwich!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15388,
"title": "Frog Legs"
},
{
"body": "If Henry IV were cloned, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Jr. or, \r\n\r\nwould he be Henry IV Part II?\r\n\r\n(Willy Wagstaff, more usually known as William Shakespeare)",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15389,
"title": "Good Ol' Willy Wagstaff"
},
{
"body": "Another Month Ends:\r\n\r\nAll Targets Met,\r\nAll Systems Working,\r\nAll Customers Satisfied,\r\nAll Staff Eager and Enthusiastic,\r\n\r\nAll Pigs Fed and Ready to Fly.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15390,
"title": "All Under Control"
},
{
"body": "If I travelled to the end of the rainbow,\r\nAs Dame Fortune did intend,\r\nMurphy would be there to tell me,\r\nThe pot's at the other end.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15391,
"title": "Somewhere Over"
},
{
"body": "An elephant is talking to a hippopotamus, and the elephant says, \"You know, there's nothing worse than a cold in the nose.\"\r\n\r\nThe hippo says, \"Oh yeah? Did you never have chapped lips?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15392,
"title": "It's a Matter of Perspective"
},
{
"body": "\"Cleanliness is next to Godliness\"\r\n\r\nWhy do they say that?\r\n\r\nI looked it up in the dictionary, \"goggles\" is next to \"godliness\"; cleanliness is next to claustrophobia.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15393,
"title": "Clean Lines"
},
{
"body": "What sits on a window sill, hums, and dies mysteriously 91 days after you bring it home?\r\n\r\n\r\n- An air conditioner with a 90 day warranty.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15395,
"title": "Mysterious Death"
},
{
"body": "Why do melons get married in church?\r\n\r\n\r\n- Because they cantaloupe.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15396,
"title": "Melancholy"
},
{
"body": "There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving.\r\n\r\n\r\nThey'd be wrong, but you could still use them.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15397,
"title": "Word For"
},
{
"body": "Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law -\r\n\r\nA bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15398,
"title": "Seventh Law"
},
{
"body": "Murphy's Law of Cable TV\r\n\r\nIf you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15399,
"title": "TV Series"
},
{
"body": "E-Mail Screw-ups.\r\n\r\nMany Universities, colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the begining or end to make up an e-mail address, i.e. Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may cause when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses (probably not funny to the individual involved).\r\n\r\nSome examples follow:\r\n\r\nHellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University)\r\neatonshit@dku.edu\r\n\r\nMartha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University)\r\ncumminme@fu.edu\r\n\r\nGeorge David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.)\r\nblowmegd@dropdrawers.com\r\n\r\nMary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)\r\ndickinme@iup.edu\r\n\r\nFrancis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University)\r\nkissinfk@lvu.edu\r\n\r\nBarbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating)\r\nbeeranbj@myplace.com\r\n\r\nAmanda Sue Pickering (Perdue University)\r\naspicker@pu.edu\r\n\r\nIda Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University)\r\nibballin@bsu.edu\r\n\r\nBradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada)\r\nbtkisser@bendover.com\r\n\r\nIsabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys \"R\" Us)\r\nihadcock@tru.com\r\n\r\nSee what I mean?",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 15404,
"title": "E-Mail Screw-ups"
},
{
"body": "A young priest has just left the seminary and been sent to his first parish to work alongside an old experienced priest Father Brown.\r\n\r\nWhen he arrives the old priest welcomes him with open arms, explaining that he has been working alone and hasn't had a day off in years. He asks the new priest to take confesson so that he can have a break.\r\n\r\nThe young priest is very nervous as he hasn't done it for real before.\r\n\r\nThe old priest explains that it's easy as he has produced a tariff, and he gives him the list:\r\n\r\nTelling lies - one Hail Mary;\r\nStealing - one Our Father;\r\netc;\r\netc.\r\n\r\nSo the young priest goes into the confessional and everything seems to be going okay.\r\n\r\n\"Father, I have told a lie,\" - one Hail Mary\r\n\"Father, I have stolen,\" - one Our Father\r\n\r\nThe next sinner is a bit of a problem:\r\n\r\n\"Father, I have performed oral sex.\"\r\n\r\nHe looks down the list and it's not included.\r\n\r\nIn panic he opens the door and is relieved to see the housekeeper doing a bit of dusting on the other side of the church.\r\n\r\n\"Mrs Doyle,\" he shouts, \"do you know what Father Brown gives for oral sex?\"\r\n\r\n\"Two pounds, if I take my teeth out\" she shouts back.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15405,
"title": "Father Brown"
},
{
"body": "A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. \r\n\r\n \"Pardon me, sir,\" she says to the store manager, \"but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" he replies pointing out one brand, \"this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll.\" \r\n\r\n He grabs another and says, \"This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll.\" \r\n\r\nPointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, \"We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll.\"\r\n\"Give me the No Name,\" she says. \r\n \r\n She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, \"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne.\" \r\n\r\n\"Why?\" he asks.\r\n\r\n\"Because it's ROUGH, it's TOUGH and it DON'T TAKE CRAP OFF ANYBODY!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15407,
"title": "No Name Tiolet Paper"
},
{
"body": "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?\r\n\r\nOh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. \r\n\r\nYou're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread. \r\n\r\nWait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it? \r\n\r\nShouldn't you consult the great Oprah on this one? \r\n\r\nSorry. I was just picturing you naked. \r\n\r\nWhoa, time out. Football is on. \r\n\r\nLooks like someone had an extra bowl of B#%$@! flakes this morning!\r\n\r\nIs there any way we can do this via e-mail? \r\n\r\nWho are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15409,
"title": "10 Things You Should Never Say to a Woman in an Argument"
},
{
"body": "Remember the Golden Rule\r\n\r\nHe who has the gold makes the rules.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15416,
"title": "The Golden Rule"
},
{
"body": "Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it any more.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15417,
"title": "Just When"
},
{
"body": "Just when you find something you really like, they stop making it.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15418,
"title": "Just When II"
},
{
"body": "Prudhomme's Law of Window Washing\r\n\r\nIt's on the OTHER side.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15419,
"title": "Prudhomme's Law"
},
{
"body": "President Bush toured parts of Missouri that were devastated by a recent tornado.\r\n\r\nThere was one awkward moment, when the President looked at the tornado damage and said, \"Don't worry, we're going to get whoever did this.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 15423,
"title": "Tornado Disaster"
},
{
"body": "Q: What kind of soup do dogs like?\r\n\r\nA: Chicken Poodle!\r\n___________________________________________\r\n\r\nQ: Why DIDN'T the skeleton cross the road?\r\n\r\nA: Because he didn't have the guts!\r\n\r\n___________________________________________\r\n\r\nQ: What's purple and makes you burp?\r\n\r\nA: BELCH'S Grape Juice!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15424,
"title": "Questions & Answers 1"
},
{
"body": "1. Aquariums + Gratitude = FISH THANKS!\r\n\r\n2. Orange Bear + A Ghost = WINNIE THE BOO!\r\n\r\n3. Saint Nick + A Grizzly Bear = Santa Claws!\r\n\r\n4. Skunk + Kangaroo = STINK-A-ROO!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15425,
"title": "@ Mad ADD Joke! 1"
},
{
"body": "The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35 mile an hour zone.\r\n\r\nThe man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, \"I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!\"\r\n\r\nThe magistrate replied, \"And you'll be what's passing through?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15426,
"title": "Blowin' Through Town"
},
{
"body": "People who want to inform you of their religious views almost never want to hear yours.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15427,
"title": "View From the Top"
},
{
"body": "Covina, Calif: I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, \"I led the pigeons to the flag.\"\r\n\r\nCleveland, Ohio: When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know - \"I pledge allegiance to the flag and to the Republic for Richard Stands.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15428,
"title": "A Pigeon Called Richard"
},
{
"body": "Anybody can win.\r\n\r\nUnless, of course, there happens to be a second entry.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15429,
"title": "Anybody Can Win"
},
{
"body": "Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15431,
"title": "Sands"
},
{
"body": "A person soon learns how little he knows when a child begins to ask questions.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15432,
"title": "WhoWhatWhenWhereWhichHow"
},
{
"body": "A business man in Chicago had occasion to write a Japanese friend in Tokyo. Mindful of the Oriental's appreciation of flowery language and of his own duty to the cause of good public relations, he ended his letter with the wish,\r\n\r\n\"May Heaven preserve you always.\"\r\n\r\nTo the delight of the business man's office staff, the Japanese responded with,\r\n\r\n\"May Heaven pickle you, too.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15433,
"title": "Mis-Translation"
},
{
"body": "The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15434,
"title": "Just Don't!"
},
{
"body": "1. All of you, stand in a straight circle.\r\n\r\n2. I have two daughters, and both are girls!\r\n\r\n3. Both the three of you get out of the class.\r\n\r\n4. I saw you with my wife.....in the theatre.\r\n\r\n5. Open the windows let the Airforce come in.\r\n\r\n6. Boys go to the right, girls to the left. The rest follow me.\r\n\r\n7. How dare you look at the monkey outside the window when I'm sitting here!",
"category": "College",
"id": 15435,
"title": "Favorite Professor One Liners"
},
{
"body": "All things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15436,
"title": "All Things"
},
{
"body": "A man woke up in the morning to see that the whole house was all messy. Clothes were all over the room. Coffee beans were spilled on the kitchen floor. Even the house was teepeed with toilet paper.\r\n\r\nBack in the living room, a note read:\r\n\r\nDear Honey,\r\n\r\nI have gone shopping for a little while. Sorry if I left the house a little messy. I don't know when I'll be back.\r\n\r\nAfter reading the note, he calls her.\r\n\r\n\"Where are the couch, TV, and coffee machine?\"\r\n\r\n\"Uhh, that's a funny story.\"\r\n\r\nShe hangs up, and their 23-year old son walks in.\r\n\r\n\"Austin! Where is my wife?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, that. You drank like crazy and fell asleep. When she was pulling you back to bed, you woke up, punched her, spun her around in the air and threw her in the toilet. She told me she would move after I trashed the place with her.\"\r\n\r\n\"So whose wife was that?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15438,
"title": "Where is My Wife?"
},
{
"body": "How can you tell if a redneck is married? \r\n\r\nThere are tobacco stains on both sides of his pickup.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15439,
"title": "Married?"
},
{
"body": "All members of Mensa have I.Q.s of at least 140.\r\n\r\nAt one Mensa convention, several members at a local cafe noticed the shaker with an S on top, for salt, contained pepper and their pepper shaker, with a P on top, was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, here was the marvellous Mensa mystery!\r\n\r\nThey presented ideas, debated them, and finally came up with what they felt was a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.\r\n\r\nThey called the blonde waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.\r\n\r\n\"Ma'am,\" they said, \"we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains...\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, sorry!\" interrupted the blonde waitress. \"Here,\" and she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15440,
"title": "Brains or Intelligence?"
},
{
"body": "A 6'4\" man hit a midget in the rear while at a red light.\r\n\r\nThe midget gets out of his car and comes up to the man and says, \"I'm NOT happy!\" and the man replied, \"Which one are you, then?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15442,
"title": "The Midget"
},
{
"body": "Some of the replies given by a group of five to seven year olds from New York State who were asked, \"How are babies made?\"\r\n\r\n\"Mom makes babies with Dr. Roberts. I dunno how they do it.\"\r\n\r\n\"If a man and a woman love each other very, very much, the woman will grow a baby inside her body.\"\r\n\r\n\"Dad has a carrot that he plants in Mom's cabbage patch. About a year later the baby has been grown.\"\r\n\r\n\"Mom collects the babies from the hospital where they are born somehow.\"\r\n\r\n\"Mom takes a pill every day and it's a baby pill. It makes a baby grow inside her tummy. When it's one year old it comes out of her and cries.\"\r\n\r\n\"Mom and Dad are happy together and then a baby comes along.\"\r\n\r\n\"The father gives the mother plenty of money. If he gives her enough, she goes out and gets a baby.\"\r\n\r\n\"To have a baby you go on a special diet and eat spinach and coal and stuff. Then you get real fat and that's the baby inside you. When you are so fat, the doctor cuts you open and gets the baby.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15446,
"title": "Out of the Mouths of Babes"
},
{
"body": "As most young, weak, and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just made his life downright miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he figured out what would get them back, he went all out.\r\n\r\nHe was on the bus where he normally got his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth making it obvious to the rest of the kids as possible by making yum yum noises.\r\n\r\nThe bully, without asking, snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, \"What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, they're smart pills.\"\r\n\r\n\"Smart pills?\" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. \"Pweeuuweppblahhh!\" he reacted. \"What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!\" \r\n\r\n\"See? You're getting smarter already!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15447,
"title": "The Smart Pills"
},
{
"body": "It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry Ford.\r\n\r\n\"Mr. Ford,\" announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, \"we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry.\"\r\n\r\nFord looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. \"We would like to demonstrate it to you in person.\" After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black car that was parked in front of the building.\r\n\r\nNorman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. \"Please step inside Mr. Ford.\"\r\n\r\n\"What?\" shouted the tycoon, \"are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!\"\r\n\r\n\"It is,\" smiled the youngest brother, Max, \"but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button.\"\r\n\r\nIntrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool!\r\n\r\n\"This is amazing!\" exclaimed Ford. \"How much do you want for the patent?\"\r\n\r\nNorman spoke up. \"The price is one million dollars.\" Then he paused, \"And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo.\"\r\n\r\n\"Money is no problem,\" retorted Ford, \"but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!\"\r\n\r\nThey haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and one half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off. However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.\r\n\r\nAnd that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel:\r\n\r\nHI NORM MAX",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15448,
"title": "Henry Ford"
},
{
"body": "A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. \r\nOne of the few survivors is asked to make a statement. \"Okay, Phillips,\" says the investigator, \"you were near the scene - what happened?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, it's like this. Old Fred Wilson was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up.\"\r\n\r\n\"He was smoking in the mixing room?\" the investigator said in stunned horror, \"How long had he been with the company?\"\r\n\r\n\"About 20 years, sir.\"\r\n\r\n\"Twenty years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room! I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done.\"\r\n\r\n\"It was, sir.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15449,
"title": "Doesn't Mix Well"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so heavy that she sank the Titanic.\r\n\r\nYo Momma so stupid that she came up to George Bush and called him gay and Hitler #2.\r\n\r\nYo Momma so old that she saw Abraham Lincoln die.\r\n\r\nYo Momma so slow that she was mistaken for a rock.\r\n\r\nYo Momma so stupid that she thinks she's a man!\r\n\r\nYo Momma so weak that when she walks into a bar they have to feed her like a baby!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 15451,
"title": "Funny Yo Momma Jokes!"
},
{
"body": "There was a king who was memorizing a script to tell everyone in the land that everyone got free chocolate. But really it was filled with poison to kill them all. A guard walked by and said in a whisper, \"Remember it is filled with poison, but do not say it is filled with poison. Understand?\" The King responded, \"Yes, I do.\"\r\n\r\nThe king was deaf in one ear so he often times missed what people say.\r\n\r\nHe walked up to the microphone. He said, \"I know you all love delicous chocolate. So I've decided to give you all special gift. Who want's to know?\" Everyone hollered out \"I do!\" So the king hollered, \"Okay then! Free Poisonous Chocolate for all!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15453,
"title": "The King"
},
{
"body": "A busdriver was driving 50 kids to camp. They were passing a big deep lake that was beautiful and cyan. One kid asked the nice busdriver, \"Can we go in that lake?\" The busdriver replies \"sure. can you swim?\" The kids say, \"Yes but only in very, very shallow water.\" The busdriver never saw this lake before, he thought it was shallow.\r\n\r\nPeople nearby were stunned to see a bus full of kids turn and drive right into the lake.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15454,
"title": "Lake"
},
{
"body": "My friend works in a post office. One day, a man handed ten postcards to my friend and ask her to put them in the mailbox. She noticed that they had all been addressed but none of them contained a message, so she asked the man why the postcards nothing written on them. \r\n\r\nThe man said, \"I told everyone that I'd send postcards, but I didn't say I'd write a message.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15455,
"title": "Post Cards!!"
},
{
"body": "A bachelor asked his friend to find him the perfect mate: \"I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities.\"\r\n\r\nWithout thinking, his friend replied: \"Marry a penguin.\"",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 15456,
"title": "My Perfect Mate"
},
{
"body": "The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.\r\n\r\n- W. C. Fields.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15457,
"title": "The Pan-cakes"
},
{
"body": "My grandson is four and can recite the whole Gettysburg Address. Abraham Lincoln couldn't do it until he was fifty-four.\r\n\r\n- Sam Levenson.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15458,
"title": "Get His Burg"
},
{
"body": "Quick - Cheap - Good\r\n\r\nPick 2.\r\n\r\n- Dennis Robertus.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15459,
"title": "Your Choosing"
},
{
"body": "America is a land of untold wealth.\r\n\r\n- Internal Revenue Service.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15460,
"title": "Where's All the Money?"
},
{
"body": "There was a boy who never, ever lied. He always told people the truth and/or his opinion. Like when he broke a glass vase, he said that he broke it. He was rewarded a few days later for telling the truth, even though he was grounded.\r\n\r\nOne day a lady asked him, \"What do you think of my dress? It cost me thousands of dollars.\"\r\n\r\nThe boy replied, \"That is the most stupid dress I have ever seen in my life, and will haunt me in my afterlife! It's more terrible than a fifty-year old swine that was drowned in mud when it was three! I think you should go back to the garbage disposal and feed it to a goat!\" He said all that truthfully.\r\n\r\nAfter he said that, the lady called 911 and he went to juvenile hall.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 15461,
"title": "The Never Liar"
},
{
"body": "One day, a customer walked into a pet shop and told the clerk, \"I need two small, gray mice and about five dozen roaches.\" Puzzled, the shop attendant asked the reason for this strange request.\r\n\r\n\"Well, I'm moving out of my apartment and my lease told me that I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15462,
"title": "Same Condition"
},
{
"body": "There was a magical mirror that showed the prettiest and ugliest people in the world. The mirror said that May Honzirop was the prettiest and the ugliest was Shakira Hobo. May was going to go in front of millions of people to get a Guinness world record.\r\n\r\nThe mirror said, the day before May went on stage, \"I think you'll brag about all your \"success\" and just become unpopular again.\"\r\n\r\nMay replied, \"SHUT UP, YOU STUPID MIRROR! I WILL THROW YOU AWAY AFTER I'M DONE!\"\r\n\r\nIt was the next day. She was on stage with Shakira Hobo. She announced, \"Now the mirror will choose the prettiest and the ugliest people.\"\r\n\r\nThe mirror was still upset, but decided to answer anyway.\r\n\r\nThe mirror announced to about 25 million people, \"The prettiest person is Shakira Hobo, and the ugliest is May Honzirop, and that is the truth!\"\r\n\r\nEveryone laughed at May. The mirror said, \"Payback!\"\r\n\r\nA minute later, May was pelted with tomatoes.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15463,
"title": "Magical Mirror"
},
{
"body": "John always bullied Pat, so Pat invited him to the meat factory. The next day, on the menu at McDonalds, there was a new thing called: Bully Big Mac, and John french fries.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15464,
"title": "Meat Revenge"
},
{
"body": "One day Little Susie got her \"monthly bleeding\" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.\r\n\r\nHaving found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.\r\n\r\nJohnny's face grew serious and he said, \"You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 15467,
"title": "No Balls!"
},
{
"body": "Three gay guys where swiming in a pool, some white stuff floats to the top, and one of the gay guys screams, \"Alright, who farted!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 15468,
"title": "Gay Pool"
},
{
"body": "What is a Mexican's favorite sport!?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n - - - - - - - - \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n- - - - - - - -\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nCross Country",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 15470,
"title": "Mexican Sports"
},
{
"body": "Four blondes are shipwrecked on an island. They meet a wizard who is very bored and gives them each one wish.\r\n\r\nThe first one is too stupid to listen to the wizard and she swims away and drowns.\r\n\r\nThe second one says, \"I wish I was 10 times as smart as I am now,\" and she makes a wooden raft and floats away.\r\n\r\nThe third one says, \"I wish I was 100 times smarter than I am now,\" and she builds a rowboat and rows to the mainland.\r\n\r\nThe last one says, \"I wish I was a 100,000,000,000,000 times smarter than those three combined,\" and she turns into a man and walks acrosss the bridge.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15474,
"title": "Blonde Boats"
},
{
"body": "A New Yorker, a redneck and a Mexican go in to the bathroom, and start to wash. The Mexican and the New Yorker start to wash their hands.\r\n\r\nThe Mexican says, \"At my school they taught me to use a paper towel to dry your hands, so they get dry.\"\r\n\r\nThe New Yorker says, \"My teacher told me to use the dryers, so we save trees.\"\r\n\r\nAt that time, the red neck finishes his 'business', and right before opening the bathroom door, the Mexican said, \"Gross, man, you did not wash your hands!\"\r\n\r\nThe redneck says, \"Well, my teacher taught me to not piss on my hands.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15475,
"title": "Redneck > Newyorker + Mexican"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so poor, she hangs the toilet paper out to dry!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 15477,
"title": "Soooo Poor"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a woman with no asshole? \r\n\r\nDivorced.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15482,
"title": "No Ass"
},
{
"body": "(A continuation of Joke #7939\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nIdiot #9\r\n- - - - - -\r\nA woman called the cops from her house and said, \"My ex-boyfriend stole my pot!\" So the police went to the ex-boyfriends house, took the marijuana, and arrested him. The same officer went to the woman's house and asked her to identify if it was her pot. She confirmed it was hers, and was taken away in the police car.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15484,
"title": "MY POT!"
},
{
"body": "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.\r\n\r\n- Abraham Lincoln.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15485,
"title": "So Then They'd Know"
},
{
"body": "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. \r\n\r\n- Thomas Alva Edison.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15486,
"title": "Opportunity"
},
{
"body": "A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be?\r\n\r\nI always say, \"How to Build a Boat\".\r\n\r\n- Steven Wright.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15487,
"title": "Shipwreck III"
},
{
"body": "\"Do you like the new car Alice and I just bought?\" \r\nTom asked onerously.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15488,
"title": "The New Car"
},
{
"body": "The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. \r\n\r\n\"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,\" answered the patient. \"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there; so I really need your help. What can I do?\" \r\n\r\nThe doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, \"Pay me in advance.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 15489,
"title": "The Annual Physical"
},
{
"body": "Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. \"Don't worry,\" my husband reassured me. \"I'll have him trained in no time.\"\r\nI watched for several days as my husband patiently \"trained\" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.\r\n\r\nThe cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15490,
"title": "I'm Feline Good"
},
{
"body": "Why shouldn't you tell a secret around a clock? \r\n\r\nBecause time will tell.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15491,
"title": "Tick-Tock"
},
{
"body": "Want to hear a really big joke?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nJOKE!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15495,
"title": "Joke #2"
},
{
"body": "Want to hear a backwards joke?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nekoj",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15496,
"title": "Joke #3"
},
{
"body": "What starts with 'P' and ends in 'orn' : \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nPopcorn",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15498,
"title": "Innocent Word #2"
},
{
"body": "A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.\r\nDoctor: \"It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering.\"\r\n\r\n\"Dddddoctttor, whhaaat cccan I dddo?\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The patient, stuttering badly, states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.\r\n\r\nPatient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem; my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed, so I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches. \r\n\r\nThe doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: \"I dddoonnnbt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 15500,
"title": "Stuttering Problem"
},
{
"body": "There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks. \r\nHe stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk. \r\n\r\nThe cat starts to stumble home, and when he came to the train tracks, he didn't notice a train coming down the tracks. \r\n\r\nAs he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned his head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated. \r\n\r\nThe moral of the story \u00e2\u0080\u0094 don't lose your head over a piece of tail!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15501,
"title": "THE DARN CAT"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?\r\n\r\nA cock that stays up all night!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15503,
"title": "Rooster and Owl"
},
{
"body": "A guy in sitting in a bar hving a drink. All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him, licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear. The guy's a little annoyed, but doesn't say anything. The next thing he knows, the alien does it again. this time the guy tells him to quit. Five minutes later, it happens again. This time he yells at him to stop. Ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear. Finally, he jumps up and screams, \"If you don't quit I'm gonna rip your balls off!\". the alien thinks about it for a second, and does it again. The guy jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there! In frustration he asks, \"How do you screw?!\" \r\nthe alien smiles and sticks his finger in the guys ear.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 15510,
"title": "Alien"
},
{
"body": "The next time you are having a bad day, imagine this:\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nYou are a Siamese Twin.\r\n\r\nYour brother, attached at your shoulder is gay.\r\n\r\nYou are not.\r\n\r\nHe has a date coming over tonight.\r\n\r\nYou only have one ass.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 15512,
"title": "Bad Day"
},
{
"body": "SPERM 1: Are we EVER going to reach the egg?\r\nSPERM 2: Stop moaning, we've only just passed the tonsils.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 15513,
"title": "Sperm Conversation"
},
{
"body": "What's the differance between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?\r\n\r\nThe Taste...",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 15514,
"title": "Thermometer"
},
{
"body": "There was a man and a woman and they lived on a farm. They owned two horses, but they could not tell the difference between them!\r\n\r\nOne day, the man painted a yellow stripe on the tail of one of the horses. When winter came, and the yellow had washed out from all the rain, the man and woman were left to stand there next to each other, staring at the horses.\r\n\r\nAfter two minutes of staring, the woman finally said, \"I've got it! The black horse is taller than the white horse!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15516,
"title": "Two Horses"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the eyeglasses maker who moved his shop to an island off Alaska and is now known as an optical Aleutian?",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15517,
"title": "Making a Spectacle of Himself"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?\r\n\r\n\r\nA good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15518,
"title": "Good Lawyers v Great Lawyers"
},
{
"body": "A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife. \r\n\r\nHis friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies... \r\n\r\n\"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea\" \r\n\r\nSo what say the friends, flip her over. \r\n\r\n\"Well, she also has diarrhea\" the guy says. \r\n\r\n\"Yuck, but what about her mouth.\" The friends chime in. \r\n\r\n\"Halitosis\" the man says. \r\n\r\n\"Damn, Why would you stay with her?\" The friends say. \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" the guy replies \"She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15523,
"title": "Why I Love Her"
},
{
"body": "A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side o the road. \r\n\r\nHe pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says \"I can't I'm on my period.\" \r\n\r\nHe says \"That doesn't matter.\" \r\n\r\nSo they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out. \r\n\r\nA police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking. \r\n\r\nSo he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck. \r\n\r\nThe truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer. \r\n\r\nThe officer asks him what he is doing? He says licking his fingers \"Eating Pizza!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 15524,
"title": "Eating Pizza"
},
{
"body": "Four gay guys walk into a gay bar and they find a problem. There's only one stool left. \r\n\r\nOne guy says \"Lets flip for it\" \r\n\r\nBut another says \"No, Lets flip it over\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 15527,
"title": "The Gay Bar"
},
{
"body": "So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey. \r\n\r\nPardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn. \r\n\r\nI'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in? \r\n\r\nI'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time? \r\n\r\nIf ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive. \r\n\r\nI don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works! \r\n\r\nHave you considered suing your brains for non-support? \r\n\r\nDon't you need a license to be that ugly? \r\n\r\nI see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead. \r\n\r\nIf you had another brain, it would be lonely.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 15528,
"title": "Comebacks"
},
{
"body": "Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The nun answered, \"That would be good, but I'd be uneasy about purchasing it.\" The 1st nun said she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.\r\n\r\nThe cashier had a surprised look on her face, so the nun said, \"This is for washing our hair.\" Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, \"Here, don't forget the curlers.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15530,
"title": "Nuns and Beer"
},
{
"body": "1. With a little effort, you could pull the bags under your eyes over your head.\r\n2. When the professor calls out your name during attendance, you rhythmically cry out \"In da' house!\" \r\n3. Your dirty laundry has become the closest thing to wall-to-wall carpeting.\r\n4. Every study group you join gets fed up with your need to take a break for techno and grinding.\r\n5. All your stories begin with, \"I was so wasted...\" \r\n6. Your Native American name would've been \"Man of Running Body Fluids.\" \r\n7. You refer to sunlight as a \"that bright shit.\"\r\n8. You look forward to the weekdays as a time to relax.\r\n9. Whenever you see a blinking \"Do Not Walk\" sign, you think how great it would look if you were on ecstasy. \r\n10. All your stories end with, \"...and that's when everything got blurry.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 15531,
"title": "Signs You've Been Partying Too Much"
},
{
"body": "Knock, Knock \r\n\r\nWho's there? \r\n\r\nCows go. \r\n\r\nCows go who? \r\n\r\nNo, silly! Cows go moo!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 15539,
"title": "Cow"
},
{
"body": "There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties. \r\n\r\nOne day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour. \r\n\r\nSo, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up. \r\n\r\nOne ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. \"Eeew!, What was your cave like\" asked the other ant. \r\n\r\n\"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky\" replied the ant. \"So how was your cave ?\". \r\n\r\n\"Well\" he said, \"It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 15540,
"title": "Two Ants"
},
{
"body": "In the hospital, a nurse is asking an old man what is his weight. The man is unsure about his weight so the nurse suggests that it is better if he check his weight now. He goes to the weighing scale and stands on it, then he goes back to the nurse. The nurse let him fill the form by himself. After he fills it, he gives it back to the nurse.\r\n\r\nWhen the nurse reads his weight, she is surprised that the man wrote, \"82 kg - with glasses,\" there. The nurse asks the man, \"Why must you write 'with glasses' there? I only ask for your weight. Why don't you write down your weight without the glasses?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because I can't read the scales and write without my glasses,\" the man replied.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15542,
"title": "82 Kg - With Glasses"
},
{
"body": "A Welsh girl called Gwyneth visited Japan recently. There, people had problems pronouncing her name so she became Gwyniss. Everywhere she went, she was greeted with tremendous respect. At a farewell reception, her host said, \"We've been so excited to have a famous author in our midst.\" \"What am I supposed to have written?\" she asked, baffled.\r\n\r\n\"Why, The Gwyniss Book of Records.\"",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 15543,
"title": "The Gwyniss Book of Records"
},
{
"body": "In North England: 'mornin'\r\nIn West England : How ya doin'\r\nIn India : Get up you lazy chit. Don't you need to go to work ?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15546,
"title": "Good Morrning"
},
{
"body": "A boy of 6 years old never pays attention to his pant's zipper...which is always being left open. Because of this his mother often gets angry.\r\n\r\nOne day some of his relatives plan to visit their city, so his mother advised him that whenever she tells him to \"close the Eiffel Tower\", it means that he has to close his zipper.\r\n\r\nHis relatives arrive, and after some time, the boy asked his aunti, \"Aunti, why did you come here?\"\r\n\r\nHis aunti answered, \"Dear boy, we came here to see the Eiffel Tower.\"\r\n\r\nThe boy said in great excitement, pointing towards his zipper, \"But aunti, the Eiffel Tower is closed.\"\r\n\r\nAunti replied, \"My boy, that is the small Eiffel Tower. I came here to see big one.\"\r\n\r\nThe boy answered politely, \"Aunti, then I will have to call my dad.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 15548,
"title": "Eiffel Tower"
},
{
"body": "Your phone's network is changing plan.\r\nThe uglier you are the cheaper your calls.\r\n\r\nFrom now on all your calls will be free.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 15557,
"title": "Your Network is Changing Plan"
},
{
"body": "STAFF NOTICE - TOILET POLICY \r\n \r\n \r\n\r\n Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide more consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management & equal treatment of all. In the future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with 2 voice prints, one in normal tone & one under stress/desperation.\r\n\r\nThe following rules shall also apply: \r\n\r\n1. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 22 toilet trip \r\ncredits.\r\n\r\n2. Once toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock to your voice until first day of next month.\r\n\r\n3. All cubicles are to be equipped with timed roll extractors. If stall occupied more than 3 minutes, alarm will sound. Paper will retract into dispenser 30 seconds later and toilet will flush and door will open.\r\n\r\n4. If toilet remains occupied, your photo will be taken and appear on TOILET OFFENDERS board.\r\n\r\n5. Anyone caught smiling will undergo counseling.\r\n\r\n6. Be advised that workers comp insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop toilet paper retracting into dispenser, or keep door from opening.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15558,
"title": "STAFF NOTICE - TOILET POLICY"
},
{
"body": "1. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?\r\n2. Do I look like a people person?\r\n3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.\r\n4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.\r\n5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.\r\n6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.\r\n7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?\r\n8. You!... Off my planet!\r\n9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.\r\n10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?\r\n11. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.\r\n12. A PBS mind in an MTV world.\r\n13. Allow me to introduce my selves.\r\n14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.\r\n15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.\r\n16. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.\r\n17. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.\r\n18. I have a computer, a remote control, and pizza delivery. Why should I \r\nleave the house?\r\n19. Not all men [women] are annoying. Some are dead.\r\n20. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?\r\n21. A woman's favorite position is CEO.\r\n22. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.\r\n23. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.\r\n24. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.\r\n25. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?\r\n26. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.\r\n27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.\r\n28. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?\r\n29. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.\r\n30. I plead contemporary insanity.\r\n31. And which dwarf are you?\r\n32. How do I set a laser printer to stun?\r\n33. Meandering to a different drummer.\r\n34. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15562,
"title": "Sarcastic Remarks For Work"
},
{
"body": "\u00c2\u00b7In several places on your tax forms, he's written, \"Give or take a million \r\ndollars.\" \r\n\u00c2\u00b7Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures. \r\n\u00c2\u00b7You notice that his \"calculator\" is just a broken VCR remote. \r\n\u00c2\u00b7Insists that there's no such number as four. \r\n\u00c2\u00b7He laughed at the Bob Dole background check. \r\n\u00c2\u00b7Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents. \r\n\u00c2\u00b7Advises you to save postage by filing your taxes telepathically. \r\n\u00c2\u00b7Instead of C.P.A. license, he's got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek. \r\n\u00c2\u00b7Demands that you call him the \"Una-Countant.\" \r\n\u00c2\u00b7He's got a 1040 Form tattooed on his arm.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15565,
"title": "Signs You Know Your Accountant Is Nuts!"
},
{
"body": "For year's years they told me, \r\n\"Be careful of your breasts. \r\nDon't ever squeeze or bruise them, \r\nAnd give them monthly tests.\" \r\n\r\nSo I heeded all their warnings \r\nAnd protected them by law... \r\nGuarded them very carefully, \r\nAnd always wore a bra. \r\n\r\nAfter 30 years of careful care, \r\nThe Doctor found a lump, \r\nHe ordered up a Mammogram \r\nTo look inside that clump. \r\n\r\n\"Stand up very close,\" she said, \r\nas she got my tit in line, \r\n\"And tell me when it hurts,\" she said, \r\nAh yes!There! Thats just fine.\" \r\n\r\nShe stepped upon a pedal... \r\nI could not believe my eyes! \r\nA plastic plate was pressing down... \r\nMy Boob was in a vice!! \r\n\r\nMy skin was stretched'n stretched \r\nFrom way up by my chin, \r\nAnd my poor tit was being squashed \r\nTo Swedish pancake thin!! \r\n\r\nExcruciating pain I felt, \r\nWithin its vice-like grip, \r\nA prisoner in this vicious thing, \r\nMy poor defenseless tit! \r\n\r\n\"Take a deep breath,\" she said to me. \r\nWho does she think she's kidding? \r\nMy chest is smashed in her machine, \r\nI can't breathe and woozy I am getting. \r\n\r\n\"There, that was good,\" I heard her say \r\nAs the room was slowly swaying, \r\n\"Now lets get the other one,\" \r\n\"Lord, have mercy,\" I was praying. \r\n\r\nIt squeezed me from the up and down, \r\nIt squeezed me from both sides, \r\nI'll bet she's never had this done \r\nto her tender little hide! \r\n\r\nIf I had no problem when I came in, \r\nI surely have one now... \r\nIf there had been a cyst in there, \r\nIt would have popped-Ker-Pow!! \r\n\r\nThis machine was made by man, \r\nOf this I have no doubt... \r\nI'd like to get his balls in there, \r\nFor months he'd go \"WITHOUT\"!!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 15566,
"title": "Ode to a Mammogram"
},
{
"body": "Number of physicians in the US = 700,000 \r\nAccidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000. \r\nAccidental deaths/physician = 0.171 \r\n\r\nNumber of gun owners in US = 80,000,000 \r\nNumber of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500 \r\nAccidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188 \r\n\r\nConclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times more\r\ndangerous than gun owners!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15570,
"title": "Doctors V. Gun Owners"
},
{
"body": "Bar Translations \r\n \r\n1. \"YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME.\" \r\n (We won't be here long enough to get another round.) \r\n\r\n2. \"I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU.\" \r\n (Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar,but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.) \r\n\r\n3. \"HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?\" \r\n (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.) \r\n\r\n4. \"CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL.\" (FEMALE) \r\n (I'm easy.) \r\n\r\n5. \"CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL.\" (MALE) \r\n (I'm gay.) \r\n\r\n6. \"EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?\" (MALE TO FEMALE) \r\n (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.) \r\n\r\n7. \"EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?\" (FEMALE TO MALE) \r\n (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?) \r\n\r\n8. \"I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME.\" (FEMALE) \r\n (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.) \r\n\r\n9. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME.\" (MALE) \r\n (I'm horny.) \r\n\r\n10. \"WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?\" \r\n (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.) \r\n\r\n11. \"EXCUSE ME.\" (MALE TO MALE) \r\n (Get the hell out of the way.) \r\n\r\n12. \"EXCUSE ME.\" (MALE TO FEMALE) \r\n (I am going to grope you now.) \r\n\r\n13. \"EXCUSE ME.\" (FEMALE TO MALE) \r\n (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.) \r\n\r\n14. \"EXCUSE ME.\" (FEMALE TO FEMALE) \r\n (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you bitch, like the slut you are.) \r\n\r\n15. \"WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?\" \r\n (What's cheap?) \r\n\r\n16. \"CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?\" (MALE) \r\n (I'm really gay.) \r\n\r\n17. \"CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?\" (FEMALE) \r\n (I'm really easy.) \r\n\r\n18. \"THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR\". \r\n (Did I sleep with him/her?) \r\n\r\n19. CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?\" (FEMALE) \r\n (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.) \r\n\r\n20. I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME.\" (FEMALE) \r\n (I'm 19.) \r\n\r\n21. \"I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME.\" (MALE) \r\n (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 15571,
"title": "Bar Translations"
},
{
"body": "BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME IN HANDY\r\n\r\nA repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard - which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.\r\n\r\nINSULT TO INJURY\r\n\r\nAn unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison - for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. The man's public defender calls that \"ridiculous,\" and says the man's injury is punishment enough.\r\n\r\nHEY - WHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE?\r\n\r\nA luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passerby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store... and called the police.\r\n\r\nOOPS! OF THE WEEK\r\n\r\nA thief in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if you're going to steal restaurant equipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original owner's grandchildren before setting the stuff up in your own restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovanni's Pizzeria in Calabash, North Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery. A refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant - where cops found pictures of Ubbing's grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. The owner of the second restaurant was arrested.\r\n\r\nI TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA!\r\n\r\nDuring a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn't figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn't loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn't realize they'd been fooling around with a digital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.\r\n\r\nI THOUGHT THIS'D BE THE LAST PLACE THEY'D LOOK...!\r\n\r\nA Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a job... as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man's fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead.\r\n\r\nAND FINALLY...\r\n\r\nAdmitting his 0-4 records are not impressive \"on paper,\" trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, \r\nkilling him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him \r\nto be hit and killed. The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record - the trainers say the dog might sense nervousness \"and do something silly.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15574,
"title": "True Criminal Stories"
},
{
"body": "Major Scandal during their presidency....\r\nNixon: Watergate \r\nClinton: Waterbed \r\n\r\nThe President's biggest fear.... \r\nNixon: The Cold War \r\nClinton: The Cold Sore \r\n\r\nComplaints toward the President..... \r\nNixon: Carpet-Bombing \r\nClinton: Carpet-Burns \r\n\r\nTheir Vice-Presidents... \r\nNixon: His was Greek \r\nClinton: His is a Geek. \r\n\r\nPresidential qualities..... \r\nNixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger. \r\nClinton: Couldn't stop kissing her. \r\n\r\nThings the President couldn't explain.... \r\nNixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes \r\nClinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase \r\n\r\nJob titles....\r\nNixon: Ex-President\r\nClinton: Sex-President \r\n\r\nSlogans....\r\nNixon: Known for campaign slogan \"Nixon's The One\"\r\nClinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying \"He's the one\" \r\n\r\nKnown for....\r\nNixon: Famous for his widow's peak\r\nClinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak \r\n\r\nAcquaintances....\r\nNixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy\r\nClinton: Well acquainted with G Spot \r\n\r\nFamous feats....\r\nNixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh\r\nClinton: Took on Ho \r\n\r\nQuoted as....\r\nNixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor\r\nClinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her \r\n\r\nPresidential Nicknames.... \r\nNixon: Tricky Dick \r\nClinton: Tricky Dick \r\n\r\nand finally, Presidential excuses.... \r\nNixon: I am not a crook! \r\nClinton: I did not do nook!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 15577,
"title": "Clinton vs Nixon"
},
{
"body": "One day, a reporter for a suburban newspaper happened upon a construction site with a sign that ominously warned: \"DANGER. RADIOACTIVE MATERIALS.\"\r\n \r\nDriven by the prospect of a hard-hitting expose, he made a quick call to his editor, then returned to the scene to investigate. The construction supervisor looked unhappy to see him; \"I'll tell you the truth,\" he said, \"but I'm going to ask you not to publish what I say.\"\r\n\r\n\"This is just like the movies,\" he thought. \r\n\r\nThe supervisor continued, \"There's nothing radioactive on this site. That sign has been the only way to keep our lumber from being stolen.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15578,
"title": "Just Fission"
},
{
"body": "You Know You've Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When... \r\n\r\nJuan Valdez named his donkey after you. \r\nYou haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. \r\nYou just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. \r\nThe only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. \r\nThe nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. \r\nYour so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans. \r\nYou walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. \r\nCharles Manson thinks you need to calm down. \r\nYour taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. \r\nWhen you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down. \r\nYour life goal is to amount to a hill of beans. \r\nYou channel surf faster without a remote. \r\nYou name your cats \"Cream\" and \"Sugar.\" \r\nYou have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. \r\nYou can outlast the Energizer bunny. \r\nYou short out motion detectors. \r\nYour nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. \r\nYou think being called a \"drip\" is a compliment. \r\nYou help your dog chase its tail. \r\nYou're up to four heart attacks a day. \r\nYour coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London. \r\nYou introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. \r\nYou think CPR stands for \"Coffee Provides Resuscitation.\" \r\nYour first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. \r\nYou think Columbia would be a great vacation destination! \r\nYou're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car at home!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15579,
"title": "You Know You've Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When..."
},
{
"body": "You might be a teacher if you have an overwhelming urge to nod and say, \"Now I understand why your kid is the way he/she is,\" after meeting the parents.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15580,
"title": "Teachers"
},
{
"body": "Why was the moron hitting his head against the wall?\r\nBecause it felt so good when he stopped !\r\n\r\nWhat do you call 12 morons at the bottom of a pool?\r\nAn air pocket!\r\n\r\nWhy did the moron drive his truck off the bridge?\r\nHe wanted to check his airbrakes!\r\n\r\nHow many morons does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\n3...one to hold the bulb, and 2 to turn the chair!\r\n\r\nWhy did the moron open the refrigerator door?\r\nHe wanted to see the salad dressing!\r\n\r\nHow do you confuse a moron?\r\nPut him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15581,
"title": "Morons"
},
{
"body": "How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike? \r\n\r\nYou can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15583,
"title": "Bowling Ball"
},
{
"body": "LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.\r\n\r\nDOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.\r\n\r\nDROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.\r\n\r\nSNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.\r\n\r\nGARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.\r\n\r\nBICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.\r\n\r\nDEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.\r\n\r\nTHUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.\r\n\r\nWASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home\r\n\r\nSOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.\r\n\r\nBATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.\r\n\r\nLEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command \"sit !\", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.\r\n\r\nBUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.\r\n\r\nGOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.\r\n\r\nLOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15585,
"title": "Doggy Dictionary"
},
{
"body": "50 FUN THINGS TO DO ON FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL:\r\n\r\n1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, \"Quite right, old bean!\"\r\n2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.\r\n3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.\r\n4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.\r\n5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond \"that's my name, don't wear it out!\"\r\n6. Introduce yourself to the class as the \"master of the pan flute\".\r\n7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.\r\n8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.\r\n9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.\r\n10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.\r\n11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.\r\n12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.\r\n13. Sing your questions.\r\n14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.\r\n15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream \"THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry.\"\r\n16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.\r\n17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.\r\n18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.\r\n19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters \"CHECK YOUR FLY\".\r\n20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.\r\n21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.\r\n22. Address the professor as \"your excellency\".\r\n23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.\r\n24. Shout \"WOW!\" after every sentence of the lecture.\r\n25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.\r\n26. Ask whether you have to come to class.\r\n27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.\r\n28. Bring a \"seeing eye rooster\" to class.\r\n29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, \"Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?\" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.\r\n30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.\r\n31. Watch the professor through binoculars.\r\n32. Start a \"wave\" in a large lecture hall.\r\n33. Ask to introduce your \"invisible friend\" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.\r\n34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream \"AAAGH! MY EYES!\"\r\n35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.\r\n36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.\r\n37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.\r\n38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.\r\n39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream \"IMPOSTER!\"\r\n40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.\r\n41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write \"Signup Sheet #5\" at the top, and start passing it around the room.\r\n42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.\r\n43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for \"stud\".\r\n44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, \"Can you spell that?\"\r\n45. Disassemble your pen. \"Accidently\" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.\r\n46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.\r\n47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.\r\n48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.\r\n49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.\r\n50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15586,
"title": "Things To Do On The First Day Of School"
},
{
"body": "Subject: 1997 Darwin Award Winner!!! For those who don't know, this award is an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way; thus, eliminating his/her genetic material from the gene pool.\r\n\r\nFor those of you who do know about the award, you may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: the man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO (Jet Assist Take-Off) unit he'd strapped to his car was not equipped with an off switch. 1995's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which fell on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.\r\n\r\nAnd now, I am pleased to present 1997's illustrious winners of the Darwin Award, John Pernicky and Sal Hawkins. Yes, for the first time, it was a tie!\r\n\r\nJohn Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at George, Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in the parking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show.\r\n\r\nThe two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John -- 100 pounds heavier than Sal - to hop over, and then assist his friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch which snagged him by his shorts.\r\n\r\nDangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity.\r\n\r\nTo make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety.\r\n\r\nHowever, weighing about 100 pounds less, he decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup truck. This is when things went from bad to worse.\r\n\r\nIn his drunken state, Sal put the truck into the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and crashed through the fence, landing on, and killing, his friend. Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries, and also died at the scene.\r\n\r\nPolice arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and, upon moving the truck, a half naked man with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and a pair of shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.\r\n\r\nCongratulations John and Sal!!!\r\n\r\n------------------------------------------------------- And now, the runners-up:\r\n\r\nRunner-Up #1 - San Jose Mercury News:\r\n\r\nAn unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.\r\n\r\nRunner-Up #2 - Kalamazoo Gazette:\r\n\r\nJames Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a \"farm-type truck.\" Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns \"wrapped in the drive shaft.\"\r\n\r\nRunner-Up #3 - Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario:\r\n\r\nA man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. \"It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony,\" Honer said. \"It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected.\"\r\n\r\nRunner-Up #4 - Hickory Daily Record:\r\n\r\nKen Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.\r\n\r\nRunner-Up #5 - UPI, Toronto:\r\n\r\nPolice said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was \"one of the best and brightest\" members of the 200-man association.\r\n\r\nRunners-Up #6 - AP, Cairo, Egypt:\r\n\r\nSix people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one-by-one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.\r\n\r\nRunner-Up #7 - Bloomburg News Service:\r\n\r\nA terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was \"...a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas].\" Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.\r\n\r\nRunner-Up #9 - San Jose Mercury News:\r\n\r\nA 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana, Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.\r\n\r\nRunner-Up #10 - The News of the Weird:\r\n\r\nMichael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. In March 1989, sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. On Jan 1, 1997, Laurence Baker, also a convicted murderer once on death row, but later serving a life sentence at the state prison in Pittsburgh, Pa., was electrocuted by his homemade earphones as he watched his small TV while sitting on his metal toilet.\r\n\r\nRunner-Up #11 - The Indianapolis Star:\r\n\r\nIn Dunkirk, Indiana, a Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.\r\n\r\nRunner-Up #12 - AP, Mammoth Lakes:\r\n\r\nA San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. [Editor's note: After this initial story was printed, it was determined by investigators that the tower he hit was the one from which HE had removed the pad.]\r\n\r\nRunner-Up #13 - Reuters, Warsaw, Poland:\r\n\r\nA poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central Poland fell into the water and suffered the same fate as his quarry, police said Thursday. The 24-year-old man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one end of which they attached to a net and the other to a high-voltage electricity supply line, the PAP news agency quoted a police official in Wloclawek as saying. \"For a while everything went according to the poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a certain moment the man holding the net tripped and fell into the water,\" the agency said. The other poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said.\r\n\r\nRunner-Up #14 - AP, St. Louis, MO:\r\n\r\nRobert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.\r\n\r\nRunner-Up #15 - Unknown:\r\n\r\nPoacher Marino Malerba shot a stag standing above him on an aging rock. Mario was killed instantly when the stag fell off the rock and landed on him.\r\n\r\nRunner-Up #16 - Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA:\r\n\r\nBlasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. \"Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it,\" Payne said. \"It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'll show you how to set it off.' I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that,\" Payne said.\r\n\r\nAND FINALLY, Runner-Up #17 - Fort Worth Star-Telegram:\r\n\r\nIn December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were attempting to steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted. Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen from electric cables that are not being used.\r\n\r\n-------------------------------- Here are some people that may be future nominees/winners, but still haven't made it to the \"Big Leagues.\"\r\n\r\nUPI, Portland, OR:\r\n\r\n[Mountain Men Initiations are Eye-Opening Experience.]\r\n\r\nDoctors at Portland's University Hospital said Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said, had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, \"I feel so dumb about this.\" No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.\r\n\r\nThe Calgary Sun Saturday, Vancouver (CP):\r\n\r\n[Low Blow for Gunman.]\r\n\r\nA man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin, taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was waving a .357 Magnum revolver around during the shouting match early yesterday. But when he stuffed it back in his pants the gun went off. Police were called to the hospital after the man in his 20s was brought in by friends. Charges are pending against the victim, who is expected to survive.\r\n\r\nArkansas Democrat Gazette:\r\n\r\n[Two Local Men Injured in Freak Truck Accident; Cotton Patch, Ark.]\r\n\r\nTwo local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the...22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on, east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. \"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might both be dead,\" stated Wallis. \"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened\", said Deputy Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.\r\n\r\n-------------------------------- This last one is the original 1997 Darwin Award winner; however, he had to be disqualified since he didn't meet the criteria (i.e. he's still in the gene pool, albeit the VERY shallow end).\r\n\r\nLos Angeles Times:\r\n\r\n[I Can See Clearly Now....]\r\n\r\nLarry Waters of Los Angeles had a boyhood dream - to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard. One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across. Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground. Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend-and went back to the floating lawn chair. He tied himself in, along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor, and in a few hours come back down. Things didn't quite work out that way. When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn't level off at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet! At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours. Then he really got into trouble. He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun! Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert, and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared. Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew.\r\n\r\n-------------------------------- Finally, a story about a woman who would lose a battle-of-wits with Forest Gump.\r\n\r\nAP, Arkansas:[Pillsbury Dough Boy Wanted for Attempted Murder]\r\n\r\nA woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping.\r\n\r\nWhen Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said \"Are you okay?\"\r\n\r\nThe woman answered \"I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in.\" Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked.\r\n\r\nWhen they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15587,
"title": "Darwin Awards!"
},
{
"body": "DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:\r\n\r\n#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.\r\n\r\n#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third- degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.\r\n\r\n#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. \"I didn't think he was going to eat it,\" the dancer identified only as \"Ginger\" said, adding \"He was really drunk.\"\r\n\r\n#4 - In February, according to police in WINDSOR, ONT., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.\r\n\r\n#5 - MOSCOW, Russia -A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)\r\n\r\n#6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.\r\n\r\n#7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:\r\n\r\n1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms... a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.\r\n\r\nUpon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.\r\n\r\nAND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA.\r\n\r\nTelephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.\r\n\r\nand the add-on - perhaps a distant runner-up\r\n\r\nVermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of \"Crazy Glue\" ... the hard way. Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger. \"Sally (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank,\" said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of liquid rhino offal. \"It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear,\" said Douglass. \"I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while.\" Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. \"I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo,\" commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 15588,
"title": "Darwin Awards 2!"
},
{
"body": "45 Fun Things to Do on a Paper You Don't Care About\r\n\r\n1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.\r\n\r\n2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.\r\n\r\n3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door.\r\n\r\n4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.\r\n\r\n5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.\r\n\r\n6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.\r\n\r\n7. End the paper with \"This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds\".\r\n\r\n8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.\r\n\r\n9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.\r\n\r\n10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?\r\n\r\n11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the original.\r\n\r\n12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.\r\n\r\n13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.\r\n\r\n14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a \"need to know\" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'.\r\n\r\n15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.\r\n\r\n16. Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while.(This is a nifty way to get an extension.)\r\n\r\n17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.\r\n\r\n18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.\r\n\r\n19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.\r\n\r\n20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.\r\n\r\n21. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.\r\n\r\n22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera-style, and hand that in.\r\n\r\n23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.\r\n\r\n24. Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work.\r\n\r\n25. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..\r\n\r\n26. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what you had to say.\r\n\r\n27. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.\r\n\r\n28. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.\r\n\r\n29. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.\r\n\r\n30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time.\r\n\r\n31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.\r\n\r\n32. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class.\r\n\r\n33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.\r\n\r\n34. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is \"less filling\" or that it \"tastes great\". Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosphers' reactions to Spuds McKensie.\r\n\r\n35. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.\r\n\r\n36. Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-\\|/??!]}.\r\n\r\n37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the picture as a resource.\r\n\r\n38. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, \"I have a paper! I have a paper!\". Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, \"There's my paper!\", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.\r\n\r\n39. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.\r\n\r\n40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.\r\n\r\n41. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington \"Georgie\". Call Ben Franklin \"Sparky\".\r\n\r\n42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.\r\n\r\n43. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.\r\n\r\n44. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.\r\n\r\n45. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see \"sociology in action\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 15589,
"title": "What To Do On A Paper You Don't Care About!"
},
{
"body": "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?\r\nGucci sweats and Reeboks.\r\n\r\n\r\nAnd where was the location of the accident?\r\nApproximately milepost 498.\r\nAnd where is milepost 498? \r\nProbably between milepost 498 and 500.\r\n\r\n\r\nDid you blow your horn or anything?\r\nAfter the accident?\r\nBefore the accident.\r\nSure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.\r\n\r\n\r\nTrooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?\r\nYes.\r\nDid the defendant say anything when she got out of the car?\r\nYes, sir.\r\nWhat did she say?\r\nWhat disco am I at?",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15591,
"title": "Actual Quotes From Court"
},
{
"body": "1. I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt have not too many other Gods besides me.\r\n\r\n2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a shop class.\r\n\r\n3. Thou shalt not take the name of thy God in vain without the express written consent of thy God. The name \"Thy God\" is the sole property of thy God. Any use of the name of thy God without the express writtenconsent of thy God is unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by thy God.\r\n\r\n4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.\r\n\r\n5. Honor thy single parent.\r\n\r\n6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.\r\n\r\n7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.\r\n\r\n8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)\r\n\r\n9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing before Judge Wapner.\r\n\r\n10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks, or his powertools.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15594,
"title": "Modern Day Commandments"
},
{
"body": "A man was walking along the beach when he saw bottle. Curious, he picked it up and was wiping the sand off it when out came a genie. \"I will grant you three wishes,\" said the genie.\r\n\r\nThe man couldn't believe it. \"First, I want ten million dollars in a Swiss bank account.\" \r\nPoof! The genie handed the man a piece of paper with his account information on it.\r\n\r\n\"Next, I want to be the smartest man in the world.\" \r\nPoof! The man instantly became smart.\r\n\r\n\"Now, I want to be irresistible to women.\"\r\nPoof! The man was changed into a huge box of chocolates.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15595,
"title": "Another Three Wishes"
},
{
"body": "Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. \r\n\r\nHe actually *does* have your tongue. \r\n\r\nYou find a stash of \"Feline of Fortune\" magazines behind the couch. \r\n\r\nCyanide pawprints all over the house. \r\n\r\nYou wake up to find a bird's head in your bed. \r\n\r\nAs the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip. \r\n\r\nDroppings in litter box spell out \"REDRUM.\" \r\n\r\nCatch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, \"Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?\" \r\n\r\nTakes attentive notes every time \"Itchy and Scratchy\" are on. \r\n\r\nYou find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed. \r\n\r\nHas taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.\r\n\r\nInstead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep. \r\n\r\nBall of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.\r\n\r\nYou find a piece of paper labelled \"MY WIL\" which says \"LEEV AWL 2 KAT.\" \r\n\r\nNow sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15596,
"title": "Signs Your Cat May Be Trying To Kill You"
},
{
"body": "100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Guy\r\n\r\nPhone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. \r\nMovie nudity is virtually always female. \r\nYou know stuff about tanks. \r\nA 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. \r\nMonday Night Football. \r\nYou don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. \r\nYour bathroom lines are 80% shorter. \r\nYou can open all your own jars. \r\nOld friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. \r\nDry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. \r\nWhen clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying. \r\nYour butt is never a factor in job interviews. \r\nAll your orgasms are real. \r\nA beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex. \r\nGuy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards). \r\nYou don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. \r\nYou understand why Stripes is funny. \r\nYou can go to the bathroom without a support group. \r\nYour last name stays put. \r\nYou can leave the hotel bed unmade. \r\nWhen your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. \r\nYou can kill your own food. \r\nThe garage is all yours. \r\nYou get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. \r\nYou see the humor in Terms of Endearment. \r\nNobody secretly wonders whether you swallow. \r\nYou never have to clean a toilet. \r\nYou can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes. YUP!!!! \r\nSex means never worrying about your reputation. \r\nWedding plans take care of themselves. \r\nIf someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. \r\nYour underwear is $10 for a three-pack. \r\nThe National College Cheerleading Championship. \r\nYou don't have to shave below your neck. \r\nNone of your co-workers has the power to make you cry. \r\nYou don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night. \r\nIf you're 34 and single, nobody even notices. \r\nYou can write your name in the snow. \r\nYou can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. \r\nEverything on your face gets to stay its original color. \r\nChocolate is just another snack. \r\nYou can be president. (In this lifetime.) \r\nYou can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. \r\nFlowers fix everything. \r\nYou never have to worry about other people's feelings. \r\nYou get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. \r\nYou can wear a white shirt to a water park. \r\nThree pairs of shoes is more than enough. \r\nYou can eat a banana in a hardware store. \r\nYou can say anything (\"Wow, do my balls hurt!\") and not worry about what people will think. \r\nForeplay is optional. \r\nMichael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. \r\nNobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room. \r\nYou can whip your shirt off on a hot day. \r\nYou don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by. \r\nYou never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. \r\nCar mechanics tell you the truth. \r\nYou don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut. \r\nYou can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me. \r\nThe world is your urinal. \r\nYou never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you. \r\nYou get to jump up and slap stuff. \r\nHot wax never comes near your pubic area. \r\nOne mood, all the time \r\nYou can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. \r\nYou never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy. \r\nYou know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. \r\nYou can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing. \r\nSame work...more pay! \r\nGray hair and wrinkles only add character. \r\nYou don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. \r\nWedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75. \r\nYou don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back. \r\nWith 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory. \r\nYou don't mooch off others' desserts. \r\nIf you retain water, it's in a canteen. \r\nThe remote control is yours and yours alone. \r\nPeople never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. \r\nESPN's SportsCenter. \r\nYou can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. \r\nBachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers. \r\nYou have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. \r\nYou can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. \r\nYou needn't pretend you're \"Freshening up\" to go to the bathroom. \r\nIf you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed. \r\nSomeday you'll be a dirty old man. \r\nYou can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase \"Screw it.\" \r\nIf another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies. \r\nPrincess Di's death was just another obituary. \r\nThe occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. \r\nYou never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. \r\nYou think the idea of punting a small dog is funny. \r\nIf something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room. \r\nNew shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet. \r\nPorn movies are designed with your mind in mind. \r\nYou don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. \r\nNot liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them. \r\nYour pals can be trusted never to trap you with: \"So...notice anything different?\" \r\nBaywatch \r\nThere's always a game on somewhere.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15597,
"title": "100 Reasons Why Its Great To Be A Guy"
},
{
"body": "Bill Gates \"Notes to self\"\r\n\r\n* Next time my wife says to buy china, she means dishes.\r\n* When my son asks for a golf club for his birthday, he means a putter, not a golf course.\r\n* When my wife asks for diamonds, she wants ones that will fit on a necklace. \r\n* Don't forget to tip the valet who pushes around your cart at the grocery store. \r\n* If someone offers you a drink, don't ask when we're eating dinner. \r\n* When my daughter asks for an iPod, don't try to buy her the whole company.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 15599,
"title": "Notes to Self"
},
{
"body": "PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: \"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!\"\r\n\r\nMONA LISA'S MOTHER: \"After all that money you father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?'\" \r\n\r\nHUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: \"Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on the wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!\"\r\n\r\nCOLUMBUS'S MOTHER: \"I don't care what you've discovered Christopher, you could have written!\"\r\n\r\nBABE RUTH'S MOTHER: \"Babe, How many times have I told you--quit playing baseball in the house! that's the third window you've broken this week!\"\r\n\r\nMICHAELANGELO'S MOTHER: \" Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?\"\r\n\r\nNAPOLEON'S MOTHER: \"All right Napoleon. If you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!\"\r\n\r\nABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: \"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?\"\r\n\r\nBARNEY'S MOTHER: \"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple!\"\r\n\r\nMARY'S MOTHER: \"I'm not upset the you lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you!\"\r\n\r\nBATMAN'S MOTHER: \"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance will be!\"\r\n\r\nGOLDILOCK'S MOTHER: \"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family. You know anything about this Goldie?\"\r\n\r\nLITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: \"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get of your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!\"\r\n\r\nALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: \"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something....?\"\r\n\r\nGEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: \"The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!\"\r\n\r\nJONAH'S MOTHER: \"That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the past 3 days!\"\r\n\r\nSUPERMAN'S MOTHER: \"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths!\" \r\n\r\nAnd finally...\r\n\r\nTHOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: \"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, dear. Now turn off that light and get to bed!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15601,
"title": "Mom!!"
},
{
"body": "1. Introduction\r\n\r\nThe following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of \r\nmischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavored to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to \r\nuse it to their advantage.\r\n\r\n2. Food\r\n\r\nIn order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.\r\n\r\na) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.\r\n\r\nb) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.\r\n\r\nc) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.\r\n\r\nd) The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet. If you insist on waking a human at what it considers a \"ridiculously early hour\" for \r\nbreakfast, be warned that the human may be as likely to throw you outside or in the basement as to feed you.\r\n\r\ne) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent; your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave. If you can't be bothered to eat the food you've just caught, be considerate and don't waste it; it makes a perfect gift for humans! Carefully pick it up and carry it to the human's house and, if the door is closed, leave \r\nit on the doorstep. If the door is open, or there is a cat-flap, take it inside and leave it somewhere highly visible. The gift will be even welcomer if it is still alive! Live birds and mice make the best gifts as humans love a good game of chase just as much as you do, although be careful not to help them; it's their gift after all.\r\n\r\nf) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist \r\nfor ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the \"softest\" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct \r\nStare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.\r\n\r\ng) Coffee is known to be rejuvenating for both cats and humans. \r\nWhenever a human sets a cup of coffee on the floor within your reach, s/he is \r\nshowing you great respect and worship. Softly blow the divine liquid until cool \r\n(you may even put your paw in it to make sure the temperature is just right) and \r\nthen daintily drink it.\r\n\r\nh) Occasionally there will be disagreements over what you and the humans will \r\ndeem as edible. The appropriate action, should the stuff in question be too \r\nrepulsive to ignore, is to bury it. Scratch at the floor and try to drag over \r\nobjects to cover the offending item. This informs the ignorant human that it \r\nreally belongs in the litter box.\r\n\r\n2.1 Catnip\r\n\r\nMost cats think that this strange-looking plant is Food of the Gods and better \r\neven than tuna. There are some, however, who are sadly deprived of the ability \r\nto enjoy this wonderful treat and will look upon the others with a mixture of \r\nconfusion and disgust at the utter lack of Dignity of those partaking. If you \r\nare one of the latter, please skip to the next section.\r\n\r\nCatnip is available in two forms, in the wild as an odd-looking plant that \r\ngrows in delightfully fragrant, though often rather flattened, patches, and from \r\nthe humans in a concentrated dried form. Unfortunately, the humans know of our \r\nweakness for catnip and will try to hold it out from us, often employing some \r\nvery ingenious methods to do so. If the humans are careless enough to leave any \r\ncatnip within reach, it is imperative to get it no matter what you have to tear \r\napart to do so. Otherwise the humans will use it to attempt to coerce us to do \r\nthings, which would otherwise be beneath us.\r\n\r\nThe greatest hazard of catnip is that it causes those cats under its influence \r\nto utterly lose their Dignity. They roll around foolishly, purr at maximum \r\nvolume, tear around the house at top speed, and do other things no sane cat \r\nwould be caught doing. Do attempt to control yourself, especially if your humans \r\nhave a \"video camera\" and are prone to using it.\r\n\r\n3. Water\r\n\r\nWater (also known as Cat Solvent) would be really great if it wasn't so wet! \r\nDripping taps are the best sources of fresh water in the whole house. Toilets \r\nare the next best (but the water inside must be colorless and contain nothing!) \r\nTherefore it is imperative that any sound of running water be immediately \r\ninvestigated in case a free drink may be obtained. The bathtub is the best place \r\nto lurk in the bathroom when a human is present. A plaintive meow or two and \r\nperhaps hopefully licking the faucet usually will get most humans to turn on the \r\ntap for you. If the bathroom door is closed, demand entry noisily (see Doors). \r\nThe water dish is to be used only as a last resort in case the humans leave the \r\ntoilet lid down and the tub and sink are dry.\r\n\r\nIf a human has a sufficiently wide-mouthed glassful of liquid, immediately \r\nstick your face into the glass. If the opening is too narrow, dip your paw into \r\nthe liquid, swirl it around, and give it the taste test. You may be pleasantly \r\nsurprised to find beer or even milk! In any case, if the liquid is good, \r\ncontinue to sample, but only while you're human is distracted. Some of the best \r\nwater is ornamented with those cold, hard buoyant cubes that bob up and down in \r\nthe liquid when pressed lightly. If your human protests, lick the condensation \r\non the outside of the glass.\r\n\r\n4. Sleeping\r\n\r\nAs mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing; a cat must get \r\nplenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to \r\ncurl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with \r\nyour fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much \r\nthe better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the \r\ndisadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather \r\nconditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.\r\n\r\nA) Snoring is not a talent unique to humans; if the cat is sharing a bed with \r\ntwo humans, the well skilled cat can cause one of the humans to be \r\nblamed/swatted/smacked for the deed by the other.\r\n\r\nB) If your humans don't let you into the bedroom at night, make them suffer \r\nfor it. Even if they give you a nice warm room of your own to sleep in at night, \r\nwith a cat flap to the outside world that just isn't good enough. There are \r\nseveral ways of registering your disapproval.\r\n\r\na) Trash the room they give you to sleep in. After all, the humans don't sleep \r\nin it, so why should you?\r\n\r\nb) Fight noisily with other cats in the neighborhood, just outside their \r\nbedroom window. Make sure that you appear in the morning with as many fresh \r\nscars as possible. Spend some time perfecting an aggrieved \"Well, I wouldn't \r\nhave all these injuries if you only let me sleep in the bedroom at night\" \r\nexpression.\r\n\r\nc) When they finally rise and take a shower or a bath, locate the \r\nappropriate drainpipe and yowl up it. That amplified and disembodied \"Meow\" is \r\nsure to surprise them, as is the length of time you can do this without getting \r\nhoarse.\r\n\r\nd) When they finally come downstairs, and call for you, refuse to use \r\nthe cat flap to enter the house. There's a perfectly good front door they can \r\nopen. Of course, if they should anticipate you by opening the front door and \r\ncalling, ignore them. You should only appear by the front door and yowl once \r\nthey've closed it again.\r\n\r\n5. Play\r\n\r\nthis is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you \r\nare fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games \r\nthat you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all \r\ntimes. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, \r\nimmediately wash a part of your body as if to say \"I MEANT to do that!\" It fools \r\nthose humans every time.\r\n\r\n5.1 Games\r\n\r\na) \"Catch Mouse\". The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the \r\ncovers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, \r\nrumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has \r\never been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious \r\nattack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. \r\nMaybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!\r\n\r\nb) \"King of the Hill\": This game must be played with at least one other cat. \r\nThe more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303, which \r\nmust be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game \r\nallows for the development of unusual tactics, as one must take the unstable \r\nplaying theatre into account.\r\n\r\nWarning: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion from the \r\nbed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately \r\nbegin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they \r\nfall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat \r\nwins the round of King of the Hill.\r\n\r\nc) \"Tag\" (Also known by humans as \"Charge of the Light Brigade\"): Obviously \r\nthis game also requires two or more cats, and may include a dog as well. One cat \r\nis \"it\". The other(s) chases him around the apartment until they catch up to \r\nhim. Then follows the \"Scrum\", after which the cat who caught the other becomes \r\n\"it\" and is chased around. Great fun but has the greatest potential for loss of \r\nDignity from maneuvers such as the Throw Rug Wipeout and the Non-Carpeted Floor \r\nSkid. Whenever such a situation occurs, all feline participants must immediately \r\nwash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to \r\nplay. In this case, the dog automatically becomes \"it\" and should be subjected \r\nto the Pileup.\r\n\r\nd) \"Tube Mouse\": This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White \r\nDrinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper, which is artfully attached to the \r\nwall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the \r\npaper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from you. When \r\nthe Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning. But that's OK \r\nbecause you now have a great new toy to pounce on, play with, and shred! Part \r\ntwo of the game is to make the angry human believe that the other cat did it. \r\nThis is related to another fun game, \"Snowstorm\", in which you try to make it \r\nlook like a blizzard has occurred in the room. You can track shreds all over the \r\nhouse for greater enjoyment. Be warned that this variant often results in the \r\ncoming of the Vacuum Monster.\r\n\r\ne) \"Fetch\": Only dogs will run after a ball or stick that humans throw, take \r\nit back to them, and continue doing this until they drop. As established \r\nearlier, dogs are not bright. A dignified cat MAY fetch a ball for its human, \r\nbut if the human persists in continually throwing the ball away, assume that the \r\nhuman truly does not want it, and leave it.\r\n\r\nf) \"Kibble Soccer\": Any number of cats can play. The game begins when the \r\nreferees go to bed. The player runs to the bowl where the dry cat food is kept, \r\nand executes a \"place-kick.\" The player does this by attempting to kick one \r\nkibble from the bowl with a paw. Using the nose and tongue (\"heading\") is \r\nallowed, but this is considered bad form. Often the bowl must be tipped, rocked \r\nor rattled. Once the kibble is out of the bowl and in play, the player proceeds \r\nto bat it around the room as quickly as possible. This is accomplished with \r\nshort alternating swipes with the front paws, running behind it as it moves \r\n(this is also known as the \"kibble dribble\"). If the kibble gets stuck at the \r\nintersection of two walls, the player must attempt to put it back into play with \r\na \"corner kick.\"\r\n\r\nIf the kibble is still on the playing field after 30 seconds, the player is \r\nawarded a point. She is then allowed to eat the kibble, after which she returns \r\nto the bowl to put the next one into play. No points are awarded for kibbles \r\nthat are kicked out of the playing area (under the stove, behind the \r\nrefrigerator, etc.). These are left for the cockroaches, and other spectators. \r\nThe player must put a new kibble into play.\r\n\r\nFor equipment, any dry kibble will work, although Science Diet round kibbles \r\nroll particularly well. The referees control the pace of the game by waking up \r\n(usually after the first few points have been scored) and imposing obstacles \r\nbetween the player and the kibbles. The referees do this by placing covers on \r\ntop of the bowl, placing the bowl on a counter top or shelf, or otherwise hiding \r\nit. An advanced player is measured by the degree of ingenuity displayed in \r\novercoming the obstacles between her and the kibbles and resuming the game.\r\n\r\nThe game ends when all the kibbles are eaten or out of the playing field, or \r\nwhen a referee puts the player in the penalty box.\r\n\r\ng) \"Rumpus Raising\"\r\n\r\nStep 1: Warm up by tearing through the hallways and over furniture at high \r\nspeeds. Be sure to drag your claws and make zzzzzrt noises on the rugs. \r\nFurniture that is off limits during the daytime makes great springboards. (Even \r\nmore fun with two or more participants.) Important style points are gained \r\nduring this step. 2 extra points if you get a yell from a judge.\r\n\r\nStep 2: Find objects that make noise and activate them. Doorstoppers that go \r\nSPROOOOOOOONGONGONGONG when you run by them, wind chimes and blinds that rattle \r\nwhen disturbed, and loose objects that go thud when they hit the carpet are \r\nbest. Technical points are awarded in this step. The more complex the device the \r\nbetter. 5 points for knocking over the phone so it goes BEEP BEEP BEEP *Please \r\nhang up* BEEP BEEP...\r\n\r\nStep 3: Make the loudest possible noise. Glassware and remote controls are \r\nuseful here. It might be beneficial to slightly open the judges' door before \r\nthis step. Final creativity points are awarded now.\r\n\r\nStep 4: Look innocently at the dog and fish when the judges storm into room \r\nand turn on the lights. Pretending to be asleep is good form. 5 bonuses points \r\nif another pet gets blamed, and 7 points for style if the judges stub, trip or \r\ncompletely fall over the objects knocked over!\r\n\r\nh) \"Skiing\"\r\n\r\nThis game is played when your human has the newspaper lying on the floor for \r\nreading. Run down a hallway toward the newspapers at full speed, leap onto the \r\npaper and see how far you can slide. The slippery advertisements are best for \r\nthis. This game is even more fun if your human is unaware that you are going to \r\nplay. It can be followed by a good round of \"Catch Mouse\" (newspaper variant). \r\nIt can also be played on throw rugs.\r\n\r\n5.2 Toys\r\n\r\nany small item are a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this \r\nmeans that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged \r\nwhen the human grabs you and takes it away anyway. Watch where it is put so you \r\ncan steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and \r\nwastebaskets. Below are listed several types of cat toys.\r\n\r\na) Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so that \r\nthe other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for \r\nplaying hockey with on uncarpeted floors.\r\n\r\nb) Dangly and/or string like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains and \r\ndental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to \r\ndrag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a \r\nnewspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be \r\nkilled at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make \r\nyou lose your Dignity. Note that playing with shoelaces when the human is trying \r\nto tie them is another form of Hampering.\r\n\r\nc) Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be \r\nthe same color as the bag, so they are hard to see, but you can easily hear the \r\ncrinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and \r\nincluding shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you \r\nmay find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which \r\nwill usually result in a great Tag match.\r\n\r\nd) Ignore anything that appears to be a store-bought cat toy. After all, in \r\nthe old days, cats had to fashion their own toys. Store-bought toys are an \r\naffront to a \"real\" cat.\r\n\r\n6. Supervising (a.k.a. Hampering)\r\n\r\nit is well known that humans are incapable of performing even the simplest of \r\ntasks without feline supervision and/or assistance. The humans as \"hampering\" \r\nabsurdly know this supervision. If one of your humans is engaged in some close \r\nactivity and any others are idle, stay with the busy one. It would take a large \r\nbook to describe all of the activities, which need to be supervised, so only a \r\ncondensed list is presented below.\r\n\r\na) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You \r\ncannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then \r\npicked up and comforted.\r\n\r\nb) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, \r\nunless you can lie across the book itself.\r\n\r\nc) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate \r\nmanner so as to obscure the maximum amount, or at least the most important part. \r\nPretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting \r\nneedles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to \r\nhamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of \r\nwhat the humans may tell you.\r\n\r\nd) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or \r\nChristmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit \r\non the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the \r\ntable. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them \r\nto the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, \r\npencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.\r\n\r\ne) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump \r\nat the back of the paper. They love surprises.\r\n\r\nf) As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the \r\nhuman, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the \r\ndark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their \r\ncoordination skills.\r\n\r\ng) Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.\r\n\r\nh) When a human is attempting to \"make the bed\", hop on it and curl up in the \r\nmiddle, or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human \r\ntries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around and try to mess \r\nthings up. Protest loudly when you're evicted.\r\n\r\nI) Laundry present many opportunities to hamper (hence the other name for the \r\nlaundry basket, the laundry hamper). Laundry fresh from the dryer is a perfect \r\nbed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put on the bed for sorting, \r\narrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning until the \r\nlaundry isn't warm anymore. Now it's playtime. Pounce on anything the human \r\ntries to move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For added fun, \r\ngrab a sock and hide under the bed.\r\n\r\nj) When a human is working at a computer, s/he isn't paying attention to you. \r\nFortunately, this problem is easy to remedy. You can easily obstruct the human's \r\nview of the screen with your beautiful tail, or if it's low enough, with your \r\neven more beautiful body. Trampling on the keyboard is always good for some \r\nattention as well. Pay special attention to the keys marked \"Esc\", \"Del\", and \r\n\"Brk\". If you need to nap while supervising your human, good places are the \r\nkeyboard, on top of the plastic thing with the cord that the humans laughably \r\ncall a \"mouse\", or on the human's arms. If the human insists on removing you \r\nfrom these choice locations, there's always the lap. If possible, while in the \r\nlap try to drape yourself on one of the human's arms.\r\n\r\nk) Guidelines for where to sit or lie down.\r\n\r\n1) It is considered bad form to lie on the bare floor, couch, or bed. An \r\nexception is made for the human's favorite chair, which you are allowed to sit \r\non no matter what (or who) is there.\r\n\r\n2) On a bed, there will often be laundry or clothes lying there. It is your \r\nduty to lie on them to get your beautiful fur on them. If there is a choice, \r\nchoose either the cleanest item or the item, which contrasts most strongly with \r\nyour fur. If your human protests, act cute.\r\n\r\n3) It is also your duty to lie in an area that makes your human contort to the \r\ngreatest extent if s/he wishes to share the bed/couch with you.\r\n\r\n4) Even resting on a book or a newspaper on the floor is preferable to just \r\nlying on the floor. Newspapers are particularly important to sleep on if your \r\nhuman has them on the floor for his/her reading convenience.\r\n\r\n5) Select a chair to sleep on that hampers your human the most. For example, \r\nif your human is doing a craft on the kitchen table to prevent your \r\ninterference, it is your duty to take a nap on the chair your human would like \r\nto be sitting in. No other chair at the kitchen table will do.\r\n\r\n6) If kicked off any preferred seating, it is of critical importance that you \r\nnot immediately go about your business. You must either sit still for a time, \r\nwashing yourself to save face, or lie on the floor to make your human feel \r\nguilty. If the human cheats by moving you're resting chair and/or sitting in a \r\ndifferent one (in a situation such as the kitchen table example above), you may \r\nbe able to continue hampering by jumping into the human's lap. If the human has \r\nto get up to get something and dumps you off, immediately occupy the chair and \r\nlook smug. Of course, the human will just switch chairs or remove you again. \r\nThis game can be played for hours.\r\n\r\n7. Scratching Posts\r\n\r\nIt is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They \r\nare very protective of what they think is their property and will object \r\nstrongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing \r\nit when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an \r\noutdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite \r\nno-no! Some humans come equipped with \"jeans\", which can be scratched without \r\ninflicting too much injury. Attempts to climb up them will result in further \r\nattention, albeit perhaps not the kind you wish.\r\n\r\n8. The Vacuum Cleaner\r\n\r\nThis appalling Beast is known by many names, Cat Eater being the most \r\nprevalent. Normally pliable, agreeable humans will turn into raging monsters \r\nwhile under Its influence, running around the house sucking up all the carefully \r\nshed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. Nothing can \r\nstop it until the influence is over and the foul device is put back into its \r\ncloset. All you can do is run and hide when you hear the engine roar to life and \r\nhope that it doesn't find you. On some occasions, however, the humans are forced \r\nto open up the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen, dusty bag from within. This \r\nis its stomach, and must be destroyed if you can get the chance. Do not worry if \r\nthe human yells at you, for the yell are really that of the Beast in pain.\r\n\r\n9. Doors\r\n\r\nTo get a door opened stand on your hind legs and hammer it with your forepaws \r\nand/or yowl. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you \r\nhave ordered an \"outside\" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about \r\nseveral things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, \r\nsnow, or mosquito season. Protest if the human uses a foot to \"encourage\" you to \r\nleave.\r\n\r\nIf a human goes into a room, especially the bathroom, and closes the \r\ndoor to exclude a cat, meow pathetically and try to stick your paws under the \r\ndoor to open it. If the human relents, lets you in and then closes the door, \r\nimmediately demand to be let out. If the human lets you out and closes the door, \r\nimmediately demand to be let in again. This is especially fun when it's the \r\nbathroom and there are guests. This game can be played until the human wises up \r\nand hoses you with a squirt gun. Scuttle out of range and wash yourself, to \r\npretend that the assault on your Dignity didn't happen.\r\n\r\nCats without the aid of humans can open sometimes doors. Such doors must be \r\nkept open for the cat(s) to investigate within at any time. Swinging doors are \r\nto be avoided at all costs; their nickname \"Tail-Biter\" tells it all.\r\n\r\nIf a door that is usually kept closed, such as a closet door, is opened, you \r\nmust immediately rush in to investigate to see if anything has changed since the \r\nlast time you were in there. Resist the human's attempts to remove you before \r\nyou have completed your investigation. Protest loudly when the human removes you \r\nanyways.\r\n\r\n10. Humans\r\n\r\nHumans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give \r\nattention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's \r\nDignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the \r\nhouse.\r\n\r\nOne way to keep your human healthy is through agility training. You \r\ncan do this by running ahead of your human, maintaining a distance of about one \r\nand a half of the human's paces, and suddenly stopping to clean yourself. If the \r\nhuman doesn't trip over or boot you (a very real hazard, especially from \r\nbeginner humans), s/he is fit and able to avoid all sorts of danger in his/her \r\nworld. A bonus from this exercise is that the sight of the human will be very \r\namusing and you can share the experience with your friends on the back fence.\r\n\r\n10.1 Waking Them Up\r\n\r\nIt is not known why humans like to sleep when it gets dark, just when the day \r\nis young and the masters of the house are fresh and ready for play. It is known, \r\nhowever, that sleeping humans are boring to be around and that they occasionally \r\nmust be roused to attend to our needs, such as to get fresh food or water or to \r\nretrieve a toy that was batted under the sofa. Almost all of them strongly \r\ndislike being dragged out of bed in their so-called \"wee hours\". Some will even \r\npretend to be asleep even when we know they're not, hoping we'll give up and go \r\naway. Persistence is the key to success in any case.\r\n\r\nOne effective method of rejuvenating a dormant human is the \"direct approach\", \r\nnamely jumping on the bed and doing one or more of the following: trampling, \r\nlicking and/or nibbling any exposed parts, purring, meowing, head-butting, light \r\ntaps on the eyes, or playing \"Catch Mouse\" or \"King of the Hill\". This may only \r\nresult in your being ejected from the bed, but at least you now have the human's \r\nattention.\r\n\r\nIf the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more \r\ndrastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, knocking over \r\nand looting a wastebasket, knocking items off the dresser, singing at the top of \r\nyour voice, or even curling up on the human's head (often the only visible \r\npart). As well as being warm, in this way you will be aware of any movement made \r\nby the human, probably even before he is aware of it. You will be unlikely to \r\nwait for long. Another effective tactic is to jump, walk or knead on the human's \r\nabdomen, where the bladder is located. If the human hasn't been to the Big White \r\nDrinking Bowl during the night you can be sure of a rapid response. Eventually \r\nthe human will get up and do what you want, usually employing some bad language \r\nwhile doing so.\r\n\r\nWarning: It is not advised to do this on a regular basis. It will very likely \r\nresult in your being \"banished\" from and denied access to the bedroom \r\naltogether, in which case it becomes much more difficult to get them to respond \r\nto your wishes. Thumping the door or yowling may be initially effective, but \r\nwill likely result in being further banished to the basement or even the kitty \r\ncarrier! Discretion is thus strongly recommended.\r\n\r\nOf course, if the human gets up on his own in the wee hours to go to the \r\nbathroom, you are free to get him to do your bidding while he is too sleepy to \r\nput up much resistance.\r\n\r\n10.2 Mornings\r\n\r\nIn order to provide and care for you, the humans must leave the domain every \r\nmorning (usually before you take your first cat nap). To help them on their way, \r\neither yowl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, gently bounce on top \r\nof them in bed, knead their chests, purr, and/or drool on them. See also \"Waking \r\nThem Up\". The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their clock begins \r\nto blare or ring. We must protect them from the noise because it could ruin \r\ntheir sense of hearing.\r\n\r\n10.3 Guests\r\n\r\na) Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you \r\ncan arrange for particularly bad \"tuna breath\", so much the better.\r\n\r\nb) For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric, which \r\ncontrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool \r\nclothing. Note: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.\r\n\r\nc) For the guest who exclaims, \"I love kitties!\" be ready with aloof disdain, \r\napply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.\r\n\r\nd) When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look \r\nsurprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that \r\nthey tolerate this behavior when company is not there.\r\n\r\ne) Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do \r\nanything, just sit and stare.\r\n\r\n10.4 Laps\r\n\r\nUndoubtedly the best way to get attention from a human is to jump in his/her \r\nlap and purr. Few humans can resist because it makes them think you like them \r\n(which may even be true!). Ear scratches, belly rubs, back stroking: all these \r\nand more can be yours. Some cats like this treatment a little TOO much and \r\nacquire the silly name \"Lap Fungus\". Lap sessions also provide golden \r\nopportunities for shedding; be sure to take advantage of clothes, which contrast \r\nwith your fur (see also \"Guests\"). Unfortunately, humans have the annoying \r\ntendency to want to get up to do their mundane activities, like answering the \r\nthing that rings or going to the Big White Drinking Bowl. Protest this \r\ndisturbance with accusing looks and plaintive meows. Some laps may require \r\n\"softening up\" with a little kneading; just be sure not to use the claws or you \r\nmay have an unexpected flying lesson!\r\n\r\n10.5 Confusing Them\r\n\r\nHumans (for the most part) love order and predictability. They especially like \r\ntheir pets to be predictable. So if you are in the mood to indulge in a little \r\nlow-risk mischief, behaving irrationally is an excellent option. The usual \r\nmethod is to simply tear around the house at top speed talking to yourself and \r\nperhaps launching a frenzied attack on an unsuspecting toy. If there are two or \r\nmore cats in the household, you can take turns chasing and wrestling with each \r\nother. This is usually good for a shake of the head from the human, along with \r\n\"Crazy cat(s)\" muttered under his/her breath.\r\n\r\nAnother way to baffle the humans is to interrupt your passage across a carpet \r\n(at whatever velocity) with a sudden vertical leap into the air. Then continue \r\non as if nothing had happened. If you're skilled enough, you may be able to \r\nconvince the human(s) that there are \"rug worms\" in the house. A third way, \r\nwhich isn't quite as fun as the others but which tends to get better reactions \r\nfrom the humans, is to stare fixedly at a blank wall, turned-off TV, corner of \r\nthe room, or whatever, and pretend to carry on a conversation with another cat. \r\nThe humans, who may already be convinced that you're from outer space, will \r\nthink you're talking to your friends, the \"Jupiter People\". If they start \r\ntalking about mailing you to Mars, it's a good idea to lay off this prank for a \r\nwhile.\r\n\r\n10.6 Organization\r\n\r\nLet's face it, humans are a disorganized lot. They need constant supervision \r\nin order to get things done right and on time, such as feeding their masters, \r\nretrieving lost toys, etc. Humans also need assistance in keeping their masters' \r\nhome organized. They have to be continually reminded that things belong on the \r\nfloor, not on shelves, bookcases, tables or dressers where accessing them may be \r\ninconvenient for their masters. It will be up to you to keep your household \r\nproperly organized. Feel free to take items such as pens, buttons, waste paper \r\n(such as the stuff they call \"tax return\"), and unsuitable toys and relocate \r\nthem to better spots, such as the water bowl, under the stove, or down the \r\nhot-air ducts (humans are always grateful if you do this with tax returns). This \r\nshould be done when the humans aren't around, as they will always interfere. \r\nWhen the human discovers your handiwork, he will praise you with such sayings as \r\n\"Stupid cat!\" and \"You little monster!\" At this point, you should say, \"You're \r\nwelcome!\" with purring and rubbing against his/her legs.\r\n\r\n11. Vets And Medicine\r\n\r\nThe vet is the person to whom your human will take you when you are sick. The \r\nplace smells funny, there are usually other cats and dogs in the waiting room, \r\nand awful things like needles and pill prescriptions will happen there. The \r\nusual result is that you will get better, which is good, but you just can't let \r\nthose humans cat handle you. The following are some tips for dealing with vets \r\nand medicine.\r\n\r\na) Unless you are really sick, when you see the carrier come out, run and hide \r\nsomewhere inaccessible, such as under the bed or behind a couch. Once the human \r\nfinally grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so that it is difficult \r\nto cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to put you in with another \r\npet, try to allow the other pet to bolt out the door. In the car, meow \r\nplaintively all the way down to the vet's. If possible, reach through the bars \r\nof the portable prison and try to claw the human as s/he drives. At the vet's, \r\nsplay your legs and brace yourself against the carrier's walls if you can so \r\nthat they can't dump you out easily.\r\n\r\nb) If you are well enough, you must resist attempts to feed you pills or any \r\nliquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide as in part a). \r\nResist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good. Once the medicine is in, \r\ntry to spit it out, preferably by shaking your head vigorously. If the humans \r\nmanage to get the pill into to your mouth and are still holding you waiting for \r\nyou to spit it out, swallow, but keep the pill in your mouth. Then after being \r\nlet go, find a suitable hiding place and spit it out. Make sure that the humans \r\ndo not find the hiding place, so they think that you took the pill. Don't use \r\nthe same hiding place twice. Refuse any food that looks or smells like it may \r\nhave had medicine sprinkled on it. Unfortunately, humans can be really unfair \r\nand put it in tuna. In this case, accept grudgingly. Look aggrieved after the \r\nmedicine session is over.\r\n\r\n12. Illness\r\n\r\na) If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in \r\ntime, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When \r\nthrowing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the \r\nhuman's bare foot.\r\n\r\nb) When you get sick in the house, you should hover around the general area \r\nuntil a human spots the mess. You should act as if you are guarding the stuff \r\nfor the human and then quickly vacate the room.\r\n\r\nc) If taken outside, you should take every opportunity to scarf down as much \r\ngrass as possible (while not being spotted). After ingesting a \"critical mass\" \r\namount, whine and scratch at the door to be let back in the house. After \r\nentering the house head for the traditional illness locations and let it rip.\r\n\r\nd) If the urge strikes at night when your human is asleep, you can retch as \r\nloudly as possible so that the human will wake up. That failing, choose a \r\nlocation where the human's bare foot is likely to find it. They don't see very \r\nwell in the morning and need assistance in locating the mess. If the human has \r\nneglected you by leaving (see Mornings), cover the fruits of your labors with \r\nwhatever is handy, such as papers from the desk. That way you can soil another \r\nobject besides the carpet.\r\n\r\n13. Cat \"Clubs\"\r\n\r\nWhen a group of humans who share a similar interest get together on a regular \r\nbasis, it is often called a \"club\". Needless to say, cats thought of the idea \r\nfirst, and some of the cleverer humans have discovered that we have our own. \r\nListed below are the ones that the humans have identified, along with their \r\nnames for the clubs; for security reasons (in case this document falls into the \r\nhands of a human) the ones they haven't identified have not been listed. As with \r\nhumans, cats are not restricted to membership in one club and may belong to \r\nmany.\r\n\r\na) The \"Lap Fungus\" Club\r\nMembers of this club specialize in enslaving humans for the purpose of \r\nsleeping on their laps. As soon as a human is seated, his/her lap becomes \r\navailable and should be occupied at once, after which time the cat can get as \r\nmuch attention as s/he wants. See also Laps. Club motto: \"Sit down and I'll be \r\nyour friend.\"\r\n\r\nb) The \"Chatterbox\" Club\r\nMembers of this club love to talk to their humans, giving advice and/or \r\ncriticism on practically anything they do. They are convinced that given enough \r\ntime, they will be able to teach even the densest human how to take verbal \r\ncommands. Club motto: \"What do you mean, shut up?\"\r\n\r\nc) The \"Garbage Truck\" Club\r\nMembers of this club firmly believe that human food is God's gift to cats and \r\nthat the kitchen and/or dining room are the center of the universe. Anything \r\nthat falls onto the floor is to be eaten immediately, and if the cat can \r\ncontrive to encourage the human to share voluntarily, so much the better. \r\nHopping onto the counter to clean the plates or getting into the garbage can to \r\ncheck for leftovers are both considered acceptable, and the Master Garbage Truck \r\nis the one who can do this without getting squirted or otherwise \"punished\" by \r\nthe humans. Club motto: \"I'll help you clean that!\"\r\n\r\nd) The \"Elephant Cat\" Club\r\nIt is usual but not necessary for they're to be more than one member of this \r\nclub per household. \"Elephant\" cats for some perverse reason enjoy making their \r\nnocturnal games, such as \"Kibble Soccer\", \"Tag\", and \"Rumpus Raising\" (see \r\nGames) as noisy as possible by thundering around home and knocking things over \r\nor off the tables, counters, etc. They believe that half the fun is getting the \r\nhuman to participate too. Club motto: \"Did you see the look on his face \r\nwhen...\"\r\n\r\ne) The \"Bed Hog\" Club\r\nCats who are members of this club like to sleep in their humans' bed. Of \r\ncourse, in order to sleep comfortably a cat needs some room and it is often \r\nnecessary to push the sleeping humans around a bit to make it, especially if \r\nthere are two humans and/or two or more cats. In households with more than one \r\nclub member, skilled cats that cooperate can make the humans resemble pretzels \r\n(which are great snacks, by the way) by morning or even fall out of the bed \r\nentirely. Club motto: \"Move over, you big lummox!\"\r\n\r\nf) The \"Early Breakfast\" Club\r\nCats belonging to this club loves to walk into their human's bedroom at some \r\nearly hour, say, 1 a.m. They then awaken the human (see Waking Them Up and \r\nMornings) insisting on being fed. These cats believe that their humans can be \r\ntrained to be awake during prime playtime. Be aware, however, that humans are \r\nstubborn and may instead lock cats out of the bedroom, squirt them or do other \r\nanti-social things instead of feeding them. Club motto: \"Life begins after \r\nmidnight.\"\r\n\r\ng) The \"Door Into Summer\" Club\r\nThis Club mainly performs its activities during the cold months or when it is \r\nraining. After a human obeys the master's command to open a door and a blast of \r\ncold air fills the room or rain splashes the cat, the cat wrinkles his/her nose \r\nand walks away. The ritual continues at each door in the house (sometimes \r\nincluding closets) until the human either kicks the cat out the door, or decides \r\nto ignore the cat altogether. In the first case, the cat must bounce up to the \r\nwindow and squawk to be let in while looking as pathetic as possible. In the \r\nsecond, the cat must attempt to make the human want to let him/her out. See \r\nHampering for suggestions. Club motto: \"Just because it's nasty out front \r\ndoesn't mean it is at the back.\"\r\n\r\nh) The Heat-Seeking Missile Club\r\nthese cats believe in keeping warm at all costs. The best method is to lie \r\nright up against the heating vent. Make sure all the warm air is absorbed into \r\nyour fur. Careful grooming will be necessary to prevent a bad dandruff problem. \r\nWhen the heat is not running, more creative solutions must be found. Caving into \r\nthe cat bed, human bed, or any afghan or blanket available is good. It's best if \r\nthe blanket was already mounded up, so that the cat is completely invisible \r\nunderneath. As a last resort, curl up on a lap or with another cat. Club motto: \r\n\"It's cold out there!\"\r\n\r\nI) The \"Friday Cat\" Club\r\nTo this club belong the cats of nervous and/or neurotic disposition. Any \r\nstrange object or human is to be treated, as a mortal danger until it is \r\nabsolutely it isn't dangerous. They even have to keep an eye on the humans they \r\nknow, just in case. These cats know all of the good hiding spots in the \r\nhouse/apartment, including the ones that humans swear no cat could fit into, and \r\nare generally of little use to anybody except when it is checkup time at the \r\nvet's and it is important to be invisible. Club motto: \"Yeek! What's that?\"\r\n\r\n14. Bad Weather\r\n\r\nBad weather, in the form of rain, snow, and/or excessive cold or heat, is \r\nalways the fault of the humans. If the weather is inclement when the human opens \r\nthe door to let you out, back away hastily and try another door. See also the \r\n\"Door into summer\" Club. Be sure to stare accusingly at the human during this \r\nsession. If all doors have the same bad weather and you manage not to get booted \r\nout, hop onto a window sill and gaze mournfully out at your domain. Then try \r\nagain in about half an hour.\r\n\r\n15. On Kitten hood\r\n\r\nbeing a kitten is probably the best time of a cat's life. As a kitten, you can \r\ndo almost anything and get away with it because, as the humans say, \"Aww, \r\n(s)he's so cute!\" Practice the \"butter won't melt in my mouth\" Look of Total \r\nInnocence now, as it is much more effective than when you are full-grown and \r\n\"should know better\". Even if you are caught in the act of some mischief, the \r\nLook can can considerably reduce the scolding, and if mixed with the appropriate \r\namount of fake penitence, get you picked up and cuddled.\r\n\r\nBe sure to make full use of all your excess energy by tearing around the house \r\nat full speed, attacking anything that moves, climbing the drapes, scooting \r\nacross tables, counters and shelves, taste-testing plants and cords, and \r\ngenerally driving the humans crazy. When exhausted, flop down anywhere \r\ncomfortable and sleep. After waking up, eat and continue the fun! You will \r\nquickly learn that nighttime is the best time for playing because so many things \r\ncan hide in the shadows.\r\n\r\n16. Conclusion\r\n\r\nHumans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are \r\nconsistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15607,
"title": "Rules For Cats Who Have to Run a House"
},
{
"body": "The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar. The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package had been opened.\r\n\r\n\"Of course, I opened it,\" the woman snapped. \"You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size.\"\r\n\r\nA voice from the line spoke for all of us: \"Wear it in good health.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15608,
"title": "NOT One Size Fits All, Then?"
},
{
"body": "It was the first day of school and I had gotten a serious scrape on my knee so I asked my friend Jesse to write down notes for me while I went to the nurse. Now, it was the first day of school and there were no notes written on our notebooks and neither of us had written our names on them, so when I came back the next and asked him to give me back my notebooks, he couldn't tell which was mine and which was his, so we both decided that we'd take either one. Near the end of the school year Jesse got in trouble for stealing my notebook. After he got in trouble (with 3 days detention) I asked him why he stole my notebook. He showed me a small note on the back of what we had thought was his notebook that had been written on the back as a joke saying, \"Don't tell anyone, but this is my notebook,\" with a picture of me taped next to it. The date on the picture, August 8.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15609,
"title": "Notebook Mishap"
},
{
"body": "There's a fella in a fast-food outlet, and he's just received his order of 7 hot-dogs, 9 Big Macs and 6 large Cokes.\r\n\r\nThe counterhand says, \"Would you like a tray?\"\r\n\r\nThe customer replies, \"Steady on, haven't I got enough to carry already?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15610,
"title": "I Need Two More Hands!"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why are cannibals such great improvs?\r\n\r\nA: They keep feeding off each other.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15611,
"title": "Cannibal Humor"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\n\r\nA: One. The guitarist holds the bulb and the world revolves around him!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 15612,
"title": "Guitarist"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why do blondes smile when lightning strikes?\r\n\r\nA: They think they're getting their photo taken.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15613,
"title": "Lightning"
},
{
"body": "Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen, she lay in eager anticipation the lovely breakfast her helpful, caring children were making for her.\r\n\r\nHowever, after a good long wait, she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.\r\n\r\n\"As a surprise for Mother's Day,\" one explained, \"we decided to cook our own breakfast.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15617,
"title": "Breakfast at Looooong Last (!)"
},
{
"body": "Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers \r\n\r\nSurvivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents \r\n\r\nBan On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood \r\n\r\nSome Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction \r\n\r\nNew Vaccine May Contain Rabies\r\n\r\nTwo Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies \r\n\r\nTeacher Strikes Idle Kids \r\n\r\nSoviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again \r\n\r\nIraqi Head Seeks Arms \r\n\r\nFarmer Bill Dies in House \r\n\r\nBank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15618,
"title": "Actual Headlines (4)"
},
{
"body": "If you are in darkness, then pray to God.\r\nIf you are still in darkness, then go and pay your electricity bill......",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15621,
"title": "Darkness"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if . . . you have been married three times and you still have the same in-laws, You think TACO BELL is a Mexican Phone Company, Your house still has the\r\n\"WIDE LOAD\" sign on the back, You think Possum is\r\n\"The Other White Meat\", You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of\r\nthe mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15624,
"title": "You Might be a Redneck If . . ."
},
{
"body": "Things not to say to a policeman . . .\r\n- Care for a doughnut?\r\n- Met your quota? Happy now?\r\n- Before you arrest me, maybe Mr. George Washington could change your mind.\r\n- You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?\r\n- I want your badge number and your superior officer's name, NOW.\r\n- Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?\r\n- Want to race to the station, Sparky?\r\n- I bet your wife really likes these handcuffs?\r\n- Hey, you must' a been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!\r\n- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far behind I am.\r\n- Let's not forget who pays your salary hare!\r\n- Are you Andy ar Barney?\r\n- Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just happy to see me?\r\n- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.\r\n- You fascists always pick on us criminals.\r\n- Oh God. It's about the body, isn't it?\r\n- Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.\r\n- You're gonna have to speak up. This is my favorite song.\r\n- Thanks, officer! The cop yesterday only gave me a warning, too!\r\n- What seems to be the officer problem?",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15625,
"title": "Things Not to Say to a Policeman"
},
{
"body": "Post Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans residents are challenged often with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, often making it quite difficult to establish ownership.\r\n\r\nHere's a great letter an attorney wrote to the Federal Housing Administration (FHA) on behalf of a client that was absolutely priceless!\r\n\r\nA New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted, if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.\r\n\r\nAfter sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:\r\n\r\n(Actual letter): \"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.\r\nBefore final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.\"\r\n\r\nAnnoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):\r\n\r\n\"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application.\r\n\r\nI was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.\r\n\r\nFor the edification (enlightening) of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.\r\n\r\nThe good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.\r\n\r\nNow, the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.\r\n\r\nTherefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.\r\n\r\nGod, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?\"\r\n\r\nThe loan was approved.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15626,
"title": "A Lawyer and the Bureaucrats!"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning.\r\n\r\nHe got to thinking about things, and asked, \"Mommy, why does Daddy have so little hair on his head?\"\r\n\r\n\"He thinks a lot, dear,\" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband's baldness.\r\n\r\n\"Then why do you have so much hair?\" asked Little Johnny.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15634,
"title": "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow!"
},
{
"body": "Get to the ledge of the plane.\r\nThen, you will do the following:\r\n\r\n1.Squat\r\n2.Pray\r\n3.Leap\r\n4.AHHHH! (It's what you scream on the way down, isn't it?)\r\n5.Touchdown\r\n\r\nYes sir, thats S...P...L...A...T\r\n\r\nIn other words,\r\n\r\nSPLAT!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15635,
"title": "Skydiving Instructions For the Beginner"
},
{
"body": "Willie was quite a boy to have round the house.\r\n\r\nWillie, at a passing gent,\r\nThrew a batch of fresh cement,\r\nCrying, \"Wait until you dry.\r\nThen you'll be a real hard guy.\"\r\n\r\n*****\r\n\r\nLittle Willie, home from school,\r\nWhere he'd learned the Golden Rule,\r\nSaid, \"If I eat all this cake,\r\nSis won't have a stomach-ache.\"\r\n\r\n*****\r\n\r\nLittle Willie on his bike,\r\nThrough the village took a hike.\r\nMrs. Thompson blocked the walk.\r\nShe will live, but still can't talk.\r\n\r\n*****\r\n\r\nLittle Willie lit a rocket,\r\nWhich his dad had in his pocket,\r\nNext day he told Cousin Dan,\r\n\"Daddy is a traveling man.\"\r\n\r\n*****\r\n\r\nLittle Willie in the best of sashes,\r\nFell in the fire and was burned to ashes.\r\nBy and by the room grew chilly,\r\nBut no one liked to poke up Willie.\r\n\r\n*****\r\n\r\nWillie, hitting at a ball,\r\nLined one down the school-house hall.\r\nThrough his door came Dr. Hill;\r\nSeveral teeth are missing still.\r\n\r\n*****\r\n\r\nLittle Willie from the mirror,\r\nSucked the mercury off,\r\nThinking in his childish error,\r\nIt would cure the whooping cough.\r\nAt the funeral his weeping mother,\r\nSmartly said to Mrs. Brown,\r\n\" 'Twas a chilly day for Willie\r\nWhen the mercury went down.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15636,
"title": "Little Willies"
},
{
"body": "A furniture dealer from Knoxville, Tennessee, decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Tennessee.\r\n\r\nTo celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.\r\n\r\nBefore long, a very beautiful young Parisian woman came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.\r\n\r\nHe invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.\r\n\r\nAfter sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.\r\n\r\nThey left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.\r\n\r\nBack at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.\r\n\r\nTo this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15638,
"title": "Five, Six, Pick Up Sticks"
},
{
"body": "Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night.\r\n\r\nHe entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.\r\n\r\nDow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno.\r\n\r\nWhen one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, \"Very much what I see here: All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15639,
"title": "Lawyer Joke"
},
{
"body": "Just when you are finally happy with your life and eveything going on in your life....\r\n\r\nYou get married and ruin it!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15640,
"title": "Just When"
},
{
"body": "Hey, pal! Buddy, friend, mate, amigo!\r\n\r\nI've just heard that I won first prize in a competition!\r\n\r\nIt's a ten-day holiday for me and five others to Disney World!\r\n\r\nSo I was wondering, if you're not doing anything next Wednesday, if you could\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nput my garbage can out for collection!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15642,
"title": "Seven, Eight, Garden Gate"
},
{
"body": "\"Of course I know what I'm doing!\"\r\n\r\n\"Trust me.\"\r\n\r\n\"Say, what happens if I press this?\"\r\n\r\n\"Stop being so negative!\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm perfectly fine. Really.\"\r\n\r\n\"Do you smell something burning?\"\r\n\r\n\"It's not that poisonous. Look, if I eat some first will you try it?\"\r\n\r\n\"See? Told you I wasn't afraid of heights!\"\r\n\r\n\"You know, bears are really very social creatures. That one over there is smiling at me!\"\r\n\r\n\"I think this is what they said to do. At any rate, I guess we'll see soon!\"\r\n\r\n\"No! Why would I need to read some silly instructions?\"\r\n\r\n\"Just wondering - what does skull and cross-bones mean? Did this bottle belong to pirates? It did taste kind of odd.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15644,
"title": "Common Last Words"
},
{
"body": "Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. Copper is a brown-red color, correct? This is scientific evidence to back up blonde jokes!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15646,
"title": "Hair"
},
{
"body": "Hopeless Romantic.\r\n\r\nSeeking: Filthy Whore",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15647,
"title": "Personal Ad."
},
{
"body": "I saw this sign in a bar a few years ago.\r\n\r\nA camel can go eight days without a drink -\r\nbut who the hell wants to be a camel.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 15648,
"title": "Sign in a Bar"
},
{
"body": "Fool me once shame on you\r\nFool me twice shame on me\r\nFool me thrice you are not nice\r\nFool me four times and I am gonna cap your sorry ass.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15649,
"title": "Fool Me"
},
{
"body": "What is black and red? An ape going down a hill!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15650,
"title": "Ape's"
},
{
"body": "Does it seem strange to you that the Olympics, the oldest and most famous sporting event, is the one televised event that the competitors don't get cash. In fact, if you have ever made any money at all of your sport, you are disqualified. Its like, you win a gold medal and your like \"So, what's my reward?\" and they're like \"this nice shiny medal.\" \"you mean I don't get any money at all?\" \"no we frown upon that.\" \"so I wasted a week of my life for nothing?\" \"but you get this shiny medal\" \"but-\" \"SHINY!\" I tell you that medal would be on e-bay so fast. And did you ever notice how they have a count of what countries have the most medals? The U.S. always wins but then again, we're like 49 countries for the price of 1. Wyoming doesn't count towards our athletes because lets face it, smoky bears not gettin' any younger. You know, the Olympics always managed to keep the old traditions alive like lighting the torch, but why couldn't they keep the \"players perform in the nude\" tradition. You can't find a single naked Olympian these days, well unless you count Amanda Beard.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 15652,
"title": "The Olympics"
},
{
"body": "You never know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.\r\n\r\nBut if you walked a mile in their shoes wouldn't their feet get cold?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15653,
"title": "A Mile in His Shoes"
},
{
"body": "A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer?\r\n\r\n\"3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7\".",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15654,
"title": "It's What You Wanted!"
},
{
"body": "On the sixth day God turned to the Gabriel and said: \"Today, I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall, majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles. It will have beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.\"\r\n\r\nGod continued, \"I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.\" \"But Lord,\" asked Gabriel, \"don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?\"\r\n\r\n\"Not really,\" replied God, \"just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15655,
"title": "Oh Canada!"
},
{
"body": "You Know You Are in a Redneck Church When...\r\n\r\nPeople wonder, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish.\r\n\r\nOpening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.\r\n\r\nThe choir group is known as the \"OK Chorale\".\r\n\r\nFour generations of the same family sit together in worship.\r\n\r\nBaptism is referred to as \"branding\".\r\n\r\nPeople think \"rapture\" is when you lift something too heavy.\r\n\r\nThe final words of the benediction are, \"Y'all come back now, yah hear?\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15656,
"title": "You Know You Are in a Redneck Church When..."
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.\r\n\r\nOne day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, my,\" said the bunny, \"I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.\"\r\n\r\n\"It's quite OK,\" replied the snake. \"Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, that would be wonderful\" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, \"Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, thank you! Thank you,\" cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, \"Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.\"\r\n\r\nSo the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, \"Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15657,
"title": "Once Upon A Time..."
},
{
"body": "Paris - French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac, in honor of France's agreement with Germany to undermine America's efforts in the War on Terror, took German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder on a tour of sites in the French capital city that were visited by another German Chancellor, Adolf Hitler, during his famous Victory Tour of 1940.\r\n\r\n\"It's so nice to be collaborating with the Germans again,\" said Chirac during a press conference at the Versailles Palace outside of Paris. \"I mean, it's not like there was any real resistance movement when Germany ruled us during World War II. And those black leather coats the Gestapo men wore. Simply to die for.\"\r\n\r\nMost French citizens this reporter spoke with expressed their delight at being able to collaborate once again with the Germans. A recent poll conducted by the newspaper Le Figaro showed that 95.6% of all French people are hoping to be re-occupied by Germany within the next 12 months. The poll results also reveal that the vast majority of French women are especially looking forward to becoming the mistresses of German officers so that they can have sado-masochistic sex in exchange for silk stockings and extra rations.\r\n\r\n\"Damn those Americans anyway,\" said Chirac during a visit with Schroeder to the Klaus Barbie L'Ecole Superieure du Behaviour Criminale. \"Everything was going along just fine in 1944 and what did they go and do? Land at Normandy. Just like the Yanks, always butting their noses into other people's business. Well, we aren't going to take it lying down any more. This time we're going to surrender to Germany before the Germans have a chance to invade.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15658,
"title": "\"It's Great to Be Collaborating With Germany Again!\""
},
{
"body": "Q. How do you say \"Give me liberty or give me death!\" in French?\r\nA. I give up.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15659,
"title": "Liberty or Death"
},
{
"body": "Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?\r\nA. Nobody knows. It's never been tried.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15660,
"title": "Defend Paris"
},
{
"body": "Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?\r\nA. The French Army.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15661,
"title": "100,000 Frenchmen"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel?\r\nA. So the French government could to flee to London.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15662,
"title": "English Channel"
},
{
"body": "Q: Did you hear about the new French tanks?\r\nA: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're attacked from behind!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15663,
"title": "New French Tanks"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?\r\nA: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15664,
"title": "Euro Disney"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why do they have trees in Paris?\r\nA: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15665,
"title": "Trees in Paris"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why is good to be French?\r\nA: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15666,
"title": "Good to be French"
},
{
"body": "Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?\r\nA: To say \"I surrender\" in German",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15667,
"title": "First Thing You are Taught"
},
{
"body": "Why was Jesus not born in France?\r\n\r\nBecause they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15668,
"title": "Jesus"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts?\r\n\r\nThey gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks . . . They are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15669,
"title": "France's New Weapons Contracts"
},
{
"body": "Q: Where are the brave French soldiers buried?\r\nA: There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15670,
"title": "French Soldiers Buried"
},
{
"body": "Two guys were swapping stories in the park one day\r\nand one guy (a war vet) mentioned that during the\r\nwar he was captured and held for weeks without food.\r\n\r\nThe other guy asked, \"How could you survive without\r\nfood?\"\r\n\r\n\"It wasn't easy,\" he said. \"But I had a big meal\r\nbefore I was captured and learned to eat my own shit.\"\r\n\r\n\"WHAT?? That's disgusting!\" said the first guy. \"I\r\ndon't believe you!\"\r\n\r\nWithout a second thought the vet reached into his\r\npants, shit in his hand and promptly ate it on the\r\nspot.\r\n\r\nThe second guy (now gagging) said, \"My God! If you\r\ncan do that so easily, we can bet big money and rake\r\nin a fortune!!\"\r\n\r\n\"Sounds good to me,\" said the vet. \"I can use the\r\nmoney.\"\r\n\r\nThe next day the guy had set up a bet with two\r\nwealthy but unbelieving high rollers.\r\n\r\n\"This I gotta see,\" said one of the gamblers.\r\n\r\n\"It ain't gonna happen,\" said the other. \"No one\r\ncan eat their own shit.\"\r\n\r\n\"Let's do it,\" said the vet's buddy as he set down\r\na plate full of shit in front of the vet.\r\n\r\nThe vet looks down ready to dig in, when all of a\r\nsudden he bolts from the table and projectile pukes\r\na streak across the room right on the two gamblers.\r\nIn a rage the gamblers kick the living crap out of\r\nboth the vet and his buddy, they take their winnings\r\nand leave.\r\n\r\n\"We lost it all!!\" said the buddy. \"Why in the hell\r\ndidn't you eat the shit??\"\r\n\r\n\"There was a hair in it!\" said the vet.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15672,
"title": "Two Guys"
},
{
"body": "\u00c2\u00b7Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.\r\n\r\n\u00c2\u00b7One should love animals. They are so tasty.\r\n\r\n\u00c2\u00b7Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.\r\n\r\n\u00c2\u00b7Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.\r\n\r\n\u00c2\u00b7Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.\r\n\r\n\u00c2\u00b7The wise never marry, and when they marry they become otherwise.\r\n\r\n\u00c2\u00b7Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.\r\n\r\n\u00c2\u00b7Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.\r\n\r\n\u00c2\u00b7Children in back seats cause accidents. Accidents in back seats cause children.\r\n\r\n\u00c2\u00b7The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know - so why bother to learn?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15673,
"title": "Money is Not Everything"
},
{
"body": "We're here on the airport, where a group of people\r\nhave just arrived after being stranded on an island\r\nfor more than a year.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15674,
"title": "On the Airport"
},
{
"body": "This truly happened in an advanced oral English classroom:\r\nWhen the teacher asked the students: \"What surprised you most in Tsinghua?\"\r\n\r\nOne of them answered, \"Well, I'd heard that girls in Tsinghua were terribly ugly before I came here. However, when I arrived here myself, I was surprised to find\r\nthere's so many pretty girls, some of them are even sexy......\"\r\n\r\nAt that, all girls in the room smiled shyly. Then he continued, \"But when the holiday was over, I found all of them had gone!\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 15676,
"title": "Petty Girl"
},
{
"body": "Two babies were born in the same hospital on the same day and ended up in adjacent basinettes in the nursery.\r\n\r\nEighty-five years later, by coincidence, each of them is admitted to the same hospital with a \"terminal\" diagnosis, and they end up in the same two-bed semi-private room.\r\n\r\nAnd one of them rolls over and says to the other \"So, what did you think?\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThanks to Steven Wright",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15678,
"title": "Untitled"
},
{
"body": "In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth, and the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of deep. And the Devil said, 'It doesn't get any better than this.'\r\nAnd so God created Man in His own image;\r\nMale and female created He them.\r\nAnd God looked upon Man and Woman\r\nAnd saw that they were lean and fit\r\nAnd God populated earth\r\nwith broccoli and cauliflower and spinach\r\nand green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,\r\nSo MAN and Woman would live long and healthy lives.\r\nAnd so the Devil created Fast Food Giants.\r\n\r\nAnd Fast Food Giants brought forth the 99p double cheeseburger.\r\nAnd Devil said to Man, 'You want fries with that?'\r\nAnd Man said, 'Super-size them.'\r\nAnd Man gain five pounds.\r\nAnd God said'Why doth thou eat thus?'\r\nI have sent the heart-healthy vegetables\r\nAnd olive oil with which to cook them.'\r\n\r\nBut the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak \r\nSo big it needed its own platter.\r\nAnd Man gained 10 pounds\r\nAnd his cholesterol went through the roof.\r\nAnd so God brought forth running shoes.\r\nAnd Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.\r\nAnd the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control\r\nSo man would not have to toil to change channels between Sky Sports 1 and Sky Sports 2.\r\nAnd Man gained another 20 pounds.\r\n\r\nAnd so God brought forth the potato,\r\nA vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.\r\nAnd the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchful centre into chips and deep fried them.\r\nAnd the Devil created sour cream dip.\r\nAnd Man clutched his remote control\r\nAnd ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.\r\nAnd Devil saw it and said,'It is good.'\r\nAnd Man went into cardiac arrest.\r\nAnd God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.\r\nAnd the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.\r\n\r\nSo God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken\r\nAnd cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.\r\nAnd Devil created light beer\r\nSo Man could poison his body,\r\nWhile feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.\r\nAnd Man gained another 10 pounds.\r\nAnd Woman ventured forth\r\nInto the land of chocolates,\r\nAnd upon returning asked Man, 'Do I look fat?'\r\nAnd the Devil said, 'Always tell the truth.'\r\nAnd Man did.\r\n\r\nAnd Woman went out from the presence of Man\r\nAnd dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,\r\nEast of the marriage counsellor.\r\nAnd the Devil said,'It really doesn't get any better than this.'",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15680,
"title": "The TRUE Story of Creation..."
},
{
"body": "Twenty Something - The cost of a sitter for Saturday night.\r\n\r\nFancy Restaurant - One that serves cold soup on purpose.\r\n\r\nCollege - The four-year period when parents are permitted access to their home telephone.\r\n\r\nHors D'oeuvres - A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.\r\n\r\nKissing - A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.\r\n\r\nEmergency Numbers - Police station, Fire Department and fast food places that deliver.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15682,
"title": "More Definitions"
},
{
"body": "A guy was having trouble with his cat.\r\n\r\nHis cat would always scratch the sofa but never the scratching post.\r\n\r\nOne day the guy got an idea; he bought a new couch and replaced the scratching post with the old couch hoping this would solve his problem, but his cat just began scratching the new sofa.\r\n\r\nThen another idea hit him - he got some clay and got to work.\r\n\r\nScratching post - $57\r\n\r\nNew sofa - $299\r\n\r\nClay - $9\r\n\r\nUnderstanding your cat likes to scratch your face more than he likes to scratch the couch - priceless.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15683,
"title": "Cat Scratch"
},
{
"body": "One night a man is driving in his car and hears police sirens behind him. The man knows that with his car he could never out-drive the cop, so, seeing the officer looks fat and out of shape, he opens his car door and makes a run for it.\r\n\r\nThe chase goes on about 20 minutes, with the cop finally catching him.\r\n\r\nThe cop, completely out of breath, tells the man that he will not bring him to the station on one condition - the man, wondering why the cop wasn't going to turn him in, asked what the condition was. The cop said he wouldn't turn him in if he would help him lose another 5 pounds!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15684,
"title": "Police Exercise"
},
{
"body": "One evening, a woman received an unexpected call from a ticket clerk at a major airline. He read a list of names and asked if she knew any of the people.\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" she said, \"they're all friends of my son. How can I help you?\"\r\n\r\n\"The crew was cleaning a plane, and they found this address book,\" the clerk explained. \"After seeing no identification, we looked through the entries and found one we knew could help us. It was under M for Mom.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15685,
"title": "Knowing Where to Look"
},
{
"body": "You're so ugly...\r\nthat when your mom dropped you off on the curb for school, she got fined for littering.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 15687,
"title": "Ticket"
},
{
"body": "A new intern at Heart & Cross Hospital was looking for an experienced doctor to sign off on him sending a patient to surgery. He saw a nicely tanned man giving orders to someone else so he walked up to him. \"Could you sign this for me?\" he asked.\r\nThe man signed the sheet and the intern thanked him and walked away. The next day, the intern walked into the hospital and was informed by the security that he had been fired. The intern asked why, and the security guard told him that he had sent a patient to surgery without having a doctor sign off on it. \"Yes, I did, I had him sign it,\" pointing to the man who he had sign the sheet and who was now mopping the floors. \"Him?\" asked the security guard. \"That's Jorge the nicely tanned head-janitor.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15688,
"title": "Jorge, the Nicely Tanned Head-Janitor, at the Hospital"
},
{
"body": "There was a blonde that was chopping at a tree near the neighbor's house. Suddenly it fell over and hit the neighbor's house. The neighbor came out and said, \"You just crashed a tree on our house!\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde replied, \"Well, since it's an hour house, it'll be gone in 60 minutes.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15690,
"title": "The Tree"
},
{
"body": "My friend said, \"Can I hang out with you?\"\r\n\r\nI replied in a choking voice, \"I have a spare noose in the closet.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15691,
"title": "Hanging Out"
},
{
"body": "A man named John was walking back to his house, when a stranger walked up to him and said, \"I'll give you tree beans if you give me your house.\" But John was drunk, so he thought he said, \"If you give me tree beans, I'll give you my house.\"\r\n\r\nSo John said, \"Yes.\" And while he was taking out some beans, the stranger gave him three beans and ran in his house. John hollered, \"WAIT! YOU HAVE TO FEED THE DOGS OR THEY WILL ATTACK YOU CRAZILY!\" But the stranger didn't hear him fully and replied, \"Oh. Don't feed the dogs? O.k.!\"\r\n\r\nThe next day the stranger came out, all torn up and came to John and said, \"I want my beans back.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15692,
"title": "Why You Shouldn't Drink And Why You Should Feed Your Dogs"
},
{
"body": "A woman who was driving down the highway pulled over to the side of the road when the policeman driving behind her turned on his lights and siren.\r\n\r\nShe didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quietly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.\r\n\r\nAfter talking to her about speeding, the officer said, \"I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, I do, officer,\" she politely replied.\r\n\r\n\"Interesting,\" said the officer. \"Do you always loop it through your steering wheel like that?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15693,
"title": "Shirley Knot!"
},
{
"body": "A 15-year-old boy discovered, having supressed it for years, that he was a homosexual. After gathering courage, he decided to tell his father.\r\n\r\nHe entered the living room where his father sat, reading the newspaper. Reluctantly, he said, \"Dad?...\"\r\n\r\nHis father looked up. \"Yes, son?\"\r\n\r\n\"Dad...\", the boy stopped for a second, \"I'm... I'm gay.\"\r\n\r\nThe boy looked at his father eagerly. To his surprise, he didn't even flinch.\r\n\r\n\"Alright, son,\" he said. \"But let me ask you something. Do you participate in gay pride marches?\"\r\n\r\n\"No, but..\"\r\n\r\n\"Do you,\" his father interrupted him, \"use words such as 'fabulous' more than ten times a day?\"\r\n\r\n\"No...\"\r\n\r\n\"Do you shop for clothes more than twice a month and make sure that everynone notices?\" the father continued.\r\n\r\n\"No,\" said the son. \"I don't do any of that.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, get out of my sight, boy. You're not gay. You're just a fag.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15694,
"title": "Coming Out"
},
{
"body": "Hello, I am Mr. L, as most people call me. I am going to tell you a story that happened to me years ago.\r\n\r\nHere goes!\r\n\r\nPeople were pouring pollution all around they world; strangely, it made certain animals turn gigantic. That happened to a dog one day, it wasn't pretty. I don't know why, but it was chasing me around the city.\r\n\r\nEventually, I gave up and let it do what it wanted to do to me.\r\n\r\nIt came close to me, lifted its leg and...\r\n\r\nI think I know why I it did what it did. I was wearing a shirt with a fire hydrant on it, and all the other ones were broken.\r\n\r\nThat's my story.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15695,
"title": "Mr. L's Funny Story."
},
{
"body": "Once a bird pooped on me, so I threw it back.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15696,
"title": "Bird"
},
{
"body": "Mike and Joe, two buddies, were talking when Joe asked, \"Hey Mike, do you have a rake?\"\r\n \"No,\" Mike replied.\r\n Joe questioned, \"Well, then will ask your sister to come to my house this weekend to help with something?\"\r\n Mike, even though he thought this was a strange request, consented, and later talked his sister into it.\r\n That weekend, Mike, overcome with curiosity, drove to Joe's. Joe called out that he and Mike's sister were in the back yard.\r\n After walking around, Mike saw Joe holding Mike's sister updide down by her toes and pushing and pulling her through Joe's flower garden. Obviously shocked, Mike yelled in surprise, \"What the heck do you think you are doing?\"\r\n Calmly Joe answered, \"A gardening magazine said to use a rake to even out the soil. Neither of us had one, but they said I could also use a hoe.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15697,
"title": "Don't Have a Rake"
},
{
"body": "\"Michael Vick shouldn't go to jail for dog fighting.\"\r\n\r\n\"Why? It's a crime.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well, it's one thing to fight your friends or someone at a bar, but it's your dog. You should be able to fight him if he gets in your face.\"\r\n\r\n \"What?\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 15698,
"title": "The Vick Debate"
},
{
"body": "\"I started a new band called The Chimes\"\r\n\"What kind of band?\"\r\n\"Acapella Ska\"\r\n\"What do you play?\"\r\n\"Drums\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15699,
"title": "The Chimes"
},
{
"body": "If you were attacked by giant mutants, what would you do? Most people would run. Some would hide, and the video recorders would record it and put it on television.\r\n\r\nLast week, humans won a war against giant vicious demons called, \"Razzoopis\". Razzoopis are Godzilla-sized monsters that have rock hard bodies, and breath fire.\r\n\r\nNo one knows why it came, or how it was defeated, but the other humans had a feeling that the humans gave back its baby.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15700,
"title": "The Attack of The Razzoopis"
},
{
"body": "This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.\r\n\r\n\r\nSUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County\r\n\r\nDear Mr. DeVries:\r\n\r\nIt has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:\r\n\r\nConstruction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.\r\n\r\nA review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.\r\n\r\nThe Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.\r\n\r\nPlease notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.\r\n\r\nSincerely,\r\nDavid L. Price\r\nDistrict Representative and Water Management Division.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nHere is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nRe: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nDear Mr. Price,\r\n\r\nYour certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.\r\n\r\nA couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood \"debris\" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature's building materials \"debris.\" I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.\r\n\r\nAs to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:\r\n(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or\r\n(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?\r\n\r\nIf you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.\r\n\r\nI have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.\r\n\r\nIf you want the stream \"restored\" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.\r\n\r\nIn my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).\r\n\r\nSo, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.\r\n\r\nIn conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality, health problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.\r\n\r\nIf you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!\r\n\r\nBeing unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.\r\n\r\nTHANK YOU.\r\n\r\n\r\nRYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15701,
"title": "Dam Problems Happen"
},
{
"body": "Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store's shelving units. There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves. One said, \"I bet any minute now some smart aleck will stick his head in the door and ask what we're selling.\"\r\n\r\nWithin minutes, a man did just that, \"Hey, boys, whacha sellin'?\" One businessmen responded sarcastically, \"We're selling assholes.\"\r\n\r\nWithout missing a beat, the man rejoined, \"Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15702,
"title": "Two Businessmen & the New Store"
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken cross the road?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause Kentucky Fried was on the side he was leaving from.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15703,
"title": "Cross The Road"
},
{
"body": "There was a quirky breed of dinosaur called an \"Adoptosaurus\". Adoptosauruses laid eggs and often times forgot where they laid them or whose eggs were who's. Basically, they \"adopted\" the eggs they found and claimed them as their own.\r\n\r\nAdoptosauruses didn't eat meat because it wasn't apart of their dino-religion. They thought eating meat made dinosaurs fat and have wrinkly skin. Adoptosauruses ate flowers because they thought it made them smell good. They thought they were the best of all the dinosaurs.\r\n\r\nMaybe they went extinct so fast because their babies got hungry and ate each other, or the T-rexes found them and ate them, or maybe they were just stupid dinosaurs that adopted their own eggs.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15704,
"title": "Adoptosaurus"
},
{
"body": "A T Rex named Farrell asked his mother if he could dress up in a tutu. His mother replied, \"No! Boys don't wear tutus and dance on their tippie-toes!\" Farrell yelled, \"But mom!\" and told his father.\r\n\r\nHis father said, \"Son, I'm a balerina and I dance in a tutu.\" Then the mother fainted and fell on the floor.\r\n\r\nSo father and son danced around the unconscious mother in tutus. They had so much fun, and later had cookies and tea as a treat - and they used the mother as a table.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15705,
"title": "T-Rex in a Tutu"
},
{
"body": "#1: When her teacher said to write an essay, she brought in a sheet of paper saying \"An Essay.\"\r\n\r\n#2: When she caught on fire nearby a lake, she called the fire department.\r\n\r\n#3: She drank a bottle of root beer and said, \"This doesn't taste like beer, or roots.\"\r\n\r\n#4: She gave 200 dollars to a cashier for a small bag of chips and said, \"Keep the change.\"\r\n\r\n#5: When she heard that 1 of the 3-porta potties, each next to each other, was out of order, she walked 10 miles to the ocean.\r\n\r\n#6: When she saw an old person she said, \"At least I'm young.\"\r\n\r\n#7: When she was suing someone, she thought that she was killing herself because she was on the counter sues side.\r\n\r\n#8: When she realized someone in weaponry shed was attacking her, she called the police.\r\n\r\n#9: When she was dying her hair, she thought she would be bald and her hair would be on the floor without a pulse.\r\n\r\n#10: When she told this whole entire joke to her son, she realized she had low self-esteem.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15706,
"title": "10 Funny Blond Jokes"
},
{
"body": "A boy named John was moving away somewhere far from his the home he is already in. But he couldn't bring the loved kitten he found. So he decided to sneak it. He stuffed the cat in a cardboard box without any holes. Suddenly his mother came up. He quickly taped it shut and put it on the corner of his bed.\r\n\r\n\"John, did I hear a cat meow?\"\r\n\"No mother.\"\r\n\r\nShe left. So then John went \"Whew!\" and he sat on the opposite corner of the bed. It forced the box upwards and out the window. The cat popped out and had it hands up, like on a roller coaster, and the same with its feet. It stared right at John and made a quiet meow. It fell in the kiddie pool.\r\n\r\nJohn said, \"Well no wonder they call it the Kitty pool!\"\r\nHis mom came in and said, \"You can bring the cat!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15707,
"title": "The Funny Cat"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when two blonds fight?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA Stupid Fight.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15708,
"title": "Two Blonds"
},
{
"body": "How did the parasite cross the road?\r\n\r\nIt hopped on the chicken!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15709,
"title": "Parasite"
},
{
"body": "What's better than roses on your piano??\r\n\r\nTulips on your organ!\r\n(two-lips)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15710,
"title": "Roses"
},
{
"body": "Post rejected Braingle brain teasers here.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15712,
"title": "Another Usage of Wocka?"
},
{
"body": "I once heard a cretin tell his friend that all cretins are liars! \r\n\r\nDid he lie though?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15713,
"title": "Cretins"
},
{
"body": "As a gift for Christmas, a wealthy family gives its children seventeen computer games. The youngest child gets one ninth of the games, the middle child gets one third of the games and the oldest child gets one half of the games. How are the games divided up, remembering you cannot have part of a computer game?\r\n\r\nThe family are a little stuck until they borrow a game from their neighbours. This allows: one ninth of 18 is 2, one third of 18 is 6 and one half of 18 is 9. Now, this adds to 2 + 6 + 9 = 17, leaving the spare game to give back to their neighbour!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15714,
"title": "Christmas Gifts"
},
{
"body": "A lawyer goes in to the cell where his client is being held. \"Okay, I've some bad news, and some good news.\"\r\n\r\n\"Right, what's the bad news?\"\r\n\r\n\"It's DEFINITELY your blood at the scene of the crime.\"\r\n\r\n\"So what's the good news?\"\r\n\r\n\"Your cholesterol is way down!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15717,
"title": "Bad News / Good News: Lawyer's Version"
},
{
"body": "A boy was working on circumferences for homework when his mother came in and said, \"Do you want some pie?\" The boy replied, \"Sure.\"\r\n\r\nSo the mother was saying \"3.141592...\" over and over and then said, \"Want some ratio?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15724,
"title": "Diameter Maths"
},
{
"body": "A grandfather bought a hobby-horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour; however, it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.\r\n\r\nFinally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it to the company.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 15725,
"title": "Revenge!"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Jimmy, use the word \"handsome\" in a sentence.\r\n\r\nJimmy: Handsome gum over will ya?\r\n\r\nTeacher: No, no, that's not right. You have one more chance. Use the word \"gladiator\" in a sentence.\r\n\r\nJimmy: A monster ate my sister and I'm gladiator.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15726,
"title": "Use the Word..."
},
{
"body": "Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking.\r\n\r\nIt had been barking for hours and hours.\r\n\r\nSuddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, \"I've had enough of this,\" and goes downstairs.\r\n\r\nPaddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, \"The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?\"\r\n\r\nPaddy says, \"I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how THEY like it!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15728,
"title": "Le Chien"
},
{
"body": "I Hate you\r\nyou hate me\r\nbarney gave *****(1) H.I.V\r\nso we kicked them in the balls and \r\nshot her in the head\r\nnow that *****(2) bitch is dead\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nanii stars ***** men add someones nae or add an adjective to fit i.e -\r\n\r\n*****(1)fred\r\n*****(2)ugly",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 15729,
"title": "Song ---"
},
{
"body": "The teacher stood at the front of the room. \"Does anybody know what this Monday is?\"\r\n\r\nAbout half of the students raised their hands. The teacher pointed to one of them. \"It's Columbus Day!\" he crowed.\r\n\r\nThe teacher smiled. \"It is. Does anybody know why we celebrate it?\"\r\n\r\nThis time, only one student raised her hand. \"It's the day the Indians discovered Columbus!\"\r\n\r\n\r\nHow very true indeed.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15730,
"title": "Columbus Day"
},
{
"body": "You've heard about the new hair salon which opened up right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place, haven't you?\r\n\r\nThey put up a big old sign, \"WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!\"\r\n\r\nNot to be outdone, the old shop put out their own sign:\r\n\r\n\"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15731,
"title": "A New Way to Get Trimmed!"
},
{
"body": "I believe in making the world safe for our\r\nchildren. But not our children's children,\r\nbecause I don't think children should be\r\nhaving sex.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15733,
"title": "Future of Our World."
},
{
"body": "There was a man who was getting ready to be hanged by the politicians of Aaronztown City. The only way he could ignore death was to convince the mayor to make the politicians change their mind. So he did.\r\n\r\n\"Hello Mayor Green, I am here to discuss important matter.\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay. Very well. Do you want to make any comments before we begin?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes. Do you mind if I examine the things around here before we begin?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes.\"\r\n\r\nDarn. Okay, my first question. Do you mind if I do not get hung by the politicians?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes.\"\r\n\r\nBut, I have a family, a long life ahead of me, and lots of friends. Are you sure you mind?\"\r\n\r\nYes.\"\r\n\r\nThe man growled furiously.\r\n\r\n\"Do you mind if I don't kill you before I get hung?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15734,
"title": "Hangman Prevention"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why do Hondas and Hyundais have standard rear-window defoggers?\r\n\r\nA: So your hands don't get cold when you're pushing them.\r\n\r\n\r\nQ: What is the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine?\r\n\r\nA: With a Porsche, the pricks are on the inside.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 15735,
"title": "2 Car Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you call people who use condoms?\r\n\r\nA: Parents.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15736,
"title": "Condoms"
},
{
"body": "Gregory was a boy who was always beaten up by a bully who everyone called: \"The Demon\". Everyday, \"The Demon\" would punch Gregory in the stomach without any warning. And Gregory always got a stomachache.\r\n\r\nNow, Gregory wasn't very smart. He often confused things with other things and ended up in trouble. But Gregory didn't know. And Gregory had 7-9 fears and takes them seriously. He has a fear of telling a teacher on someone, so that's a reason why he's letting The Demon punch him.\r\n\r\nThe doctor told him that if he continued to be punched, that he would get a stomach bruise - which wasn't good at all.\r\n\r\nSo, Gregory and his father were having a father-to-son conversation about this problem.\r\n\r\n\"Son, why are you letting 'The Demon' punch you everyday?\"\r\n\"I dunno dad.\"\r\n\"Well, you can't just let him punch you in the stomach.\"\r\n\"Really, dad?\"\r\n\"Yes, really.\"\r\n\r\nThe next day, Gregory came home with stomach, and rib pains.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15737,
"title": "Gregory and the Demon"
},
{
"body": "Fuck hubluza!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 15738,
"title": "Fuck Hubluza!"
},
{
"body": "Category: Situation \r\nBody: A lecher, a drunkard and a smoker arrive at hell and the devil says to them:\r\n\r\n\"Don't worry, everything is happy here. To you, lecher, I am going to give you a full room of beautiful girls. To you, drunkard, I give you a thousand boxes of beer. And to you, smoker, I give you one ton of cigarettes. I will return after 10 years to see how you are.\"\r\n\r\nThe 10 years passed and the devil returns. The lecher, happily, says to the devil: \"Give me more girls than these, they are already boring to me.\" Soon it's going to see the drunkard and, also happily, says to the devil: \"Give me more beers. I have already finished all of them\". At last, it's going to see the smoker. But the devil finds the smoker has gotten very upset, and asks him: \"Why you are annoying if I have given one ton of cigarettes?\"\r\n\r\nWhy was the smoker annoying, even if the devil had given him one ton of cigarettes? \r\n\r\nHint: Read carefully. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnswer: Because the devil forgot to give the smoker matches!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15739,
"title": "Lecher, Drunkard, Smoker and Devil"
},
{
"body": "A Wocka user has average joke comedy 2.5, but he doesn't get the smiley.\r\n\r\nWhy can it happen? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause his average joke comedy is between 2.495 and 2.5, which is rounded up to 2.5.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15740,
"title": "Smiley"
},
{
"body": "Sam Krypton was a boy who hated meatloaf, but he knew that every time he didn't eat it, he lost a chance for ice cream, his favorite thing to eat.\r\n\r\nSo today, he decided to eat it, and try and forget about the taste.\r\n\r\nHe ate it up, and said, \"THIS MEATLOAF WAS DELICIOUS!\" His mother was pleased, and gave him ice cream.\r\n\r\nThe next week, his mother gave him a large serving of meatloaf, expecting him to eat it all up.\r\n\r\nSam forgot about what he did last week. He was looking out the window - then, a moment later, he said, \"Eww! What smells?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15742,
"title": "Yummy(?) Meatloaf"
},
{
"body": "A newspaper columnist was found guilty and fined for calling a countess a cow. When the trial ended and the man paid his fine, he asked the judge, since it was now clear he couldn't call a countess a cow, could he call a cow a countess?\r\n\r\nThe judge said it was all right to do so. Whereupon the newspaperman turned to the countess in the courtroom, bowed elaborately, and said, \"How do you do, Countess?\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 15744,
"title": "Beau Vine"
},
{
"body": "\"Yo Momma is so fat that when she entered the elevator and pressed the 'up' button, the elevator went down!\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh yeah? Yo Momma is so fat that she can't even fit in the elevator!!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 15745,
"title": "Yo Momma and the Elevator"
},
{
"body": "#1 At a Gift shop Counter\r\n\r\n'\"My One and only\" Valentine cards,\r\nIs now available in Multi-packs!!'\r\n\r\n#2 At a Washing Machine in a Washers\r\n\r\n'When Finished, Please Remove Pants'\r\n\r\n#3 At a Handdryer in a Toilet\r\n\r\n'Warning: Please do not operate this machine with wet hands!'\r\n\r\n#4 At a Highway beside a river\r\n\r\n'Warning: Road closed due to flood if you don't see this sign!'\r\n\r\n#5 At a Repair Shop\r\n\r\nSign at door: 'We repair anything!'\r\nSign at bell: 'Sorry, Bell broken.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15747,
"title": "Weird Signs"
},
{
"body": "A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:\r\n\r\n\r\n\"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.\r\nIf I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15748,
"title": "TAXES"
},
{
"body": "A redhead, brunette and a blonde went to the doctor. As they sat in the waiting room, the redhead got bored and went to the small fishbowl in the middle of the room where a goldfish swam around happily.\r\n\r\nThe redhead stared at the goldfish and the fish also stared back. After 1 minute, the redhead tilted her head to the left and the fish swam in that direction. She tilted her head to the right and the fish also swam to the right.\r\n\r\nThe brunette saw this trick, was impressed and asked the redhead how she did it. \"Easy\", replied the redhead. \"It's just mind over matter.\"\r\n\r\nSo the brunette stared at the fish and the fish also stared back. After 3 minutes, the brunette tilted her head to the left and the fish swam in that direction. She tilted her head to the right and the fish also swam to the right.\r\n\r\nThe blonde, seeing this trick, was also impressed and asked the brunette how she did it. \"Easy\", replied the brunette. \"It's just mind over matter.\"\r\n\r\nSo, the blonde stared at the fish and the fish also stared back. One minute... Three minutes... Five minutes... After five minutes, the blonde began to open and close her mouth repeatedly.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15749,
"title": "Mind Over Matter"
},
{
"body": "There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, all talking about their teenage daughters.\r\n\r\nThe Englishman said - \"I walked into my daughter's room and saw a razor on the floor. I didn't know she was old enough to shave.\"\r\n\r\nThe Irishman said - \"That's nothing; I walked into my daughter's room and saw a tampax. I didn't know she was old enough to start her periods.\"\r\n\r\nThe Scottsman said - \"Well, I walked into her room and saw a condom lying on the floor - I didn't know she had grown a cock!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15750,
"title": "3 Men and their Daughters"
},
{
"body": "A little child about a year old begins to talk. His dad asks him, \"What would you like for your first birthday?\"\r\n\r\nThe child answers, \"A pink ping pong ball.\"\r\n\"Sure,\" says the dad.\r\n\r\nThe kid turns five and again is asked, \"So what would you like for your birthday, son?\"\r\n\"A pink ping pong ball,\" he says again.\r\n\"OK.\"\r\n\r\nTen years old and is asked for another birthday present, and he answers, \"A pink ping pong ball.\"\r\n\"Why do you keep asking for a pink ping pong ball, sport?\"\r\n\"I'll tell you later, dad,\" answers the child.\r\n\r\nThe boy turns into a man, twenty-one years old.\r\n\"My boy is finally old enough to drink! What do you want for your birthday?\"\r\nThe child thinks...\"A pink ping pong ball!\"\r\n\"Why the heck do you keep asking for a pink ping pong ball?!\"\r\n\"Ah, it's not important. I'll tell you later.\"\r\n\r\n\"My big man! Married, happy, and just had his 35th birthday! What would you like for this joyous occasion?\"\r\n\"A pink ping pong ball,\" he answers again.\r\n\"This is starting to tick me off, son...\"\r\n\"It's not important, dad. You'll figure out later.\"\r\n\r\nHalfway through his life, 50 years old.\r\n\"What's my big man want for his birthday this time? I'm sure you want something else by now.\"\r\nThe 50 year old man thinks for a moment, then says, \"A pink ping pong ball.\"\r\n\"Why, oh why, do you keep asking for a pink ping pong ball?!\"\r\n\"Later, dad, later.\"\r\n\r\n70 years and again he wants a pink ping pong ball.\r\n\"You'd better tell me son, seventy years I've been waiting and still no answer.\"\r\n\"It's not important, dad. I'll tell sometime else.\"\r\n\r\nNinety-nine years old. The very old son is lying on his deathbed.\r\n\"Now, son. You're almost one hundred years old. I wanna get you something important, that you'll remember even til death. What will that be?\"\r\n\"A pink ping pong ball.\"\r\n\"Oh my gosh. I'm tired of this now. I want to know now why you keep wanting a dang pink ping pong ball!\"\r\n\"Fine. I want a pink ping pong ball because...\"\r\n\r\nAnd he died.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15753,
"title": "Pink Ping Pong Ball"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nGiraffe\r\n\r\nGiraffe who?\r\n\r\nGiraffaggot!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 15754,
"title": "Giraffe Joke"
},
{
"body": "A little girl was sat in science, when she wet herself.\r\n\r\nShe goes to her teacher and says \"I've wet myself\". The teacher asks \"Why didn't you put your hand up?\"\r\n\r\nShe replies \"I did, but it just ran down my hand!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15755,
"title": "A Little Girl in Science"
},
{
"body": "A child was born one day with a condition that limited him to only being able to whisper - unable to speak loudly or normally. At about 30 years old he finally goes to the doctor wanting to treat it.\r\n\r\n\"Can you treat this condition, doc?\" he whispers very silently, barely heard. \"Well, I can run a few tests and try to figure it out,\" the doctor says.\r\n\r\nAbout an hour later the doctor says to the patient, \"I have good news and bad news.\"\r\n\"What's the good news?\" the man whispers.\r\n\"The good news is that we can cure it.\"\r\n\"What's the bad news, doc?\"\r\n\"The bad news is that we'll have to amputate your penis,\" the doctor says.\r\n\"Oh no, I can't do that. Never mind,\" the man murmurs as he left the room.\r\n\r\nA few days later the same man was out swimming deep in the ocean when he saw a fin. He knew it was a great white shark. Then the shark started to swim closer and closer...\r\n\"Shark! Shark!\" he mumbled, but no one could hear him.\r\n\"Shark! Shark!\" he kept whispering - then he shouted, \"SHARK!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15757,
"title": "Shark"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so smelly that when she entered a pig sty, all the pigs had to evacuate...",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15758,
"title": "Yo Momma and the Pig"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if...\r\n\r\nThe idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15765,
"title": "Bud"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if...\r\n\r\nYou can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15766,
"title": "They Have Birthdays?"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if...\r\n\r\nYou are having marital problems because your wife never lets you win at arm wrestling.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15767,
"title": "Where's The 'Arm In It?"
},
{
"body": "My friend Doug pointed up at a bird circling overhead and said, \"Look, it's an eagle!\"\r\n\r\n\"That doesn't look like an eagle,\" I said.\r\n\r\n\"Well of course not,\" he shot back amazingly quickly. \"It's travelling incognito. Haven't you ever heard that \"Eagles are Masters of De Skys?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15769,
"title": "My Friend.........."
},
{
"body": "...you have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15772,
"title": "You Might be a REDNECK If..."
},
{
"body": "...you carried a fishing pole into Sea World.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15775,
"title": "You Might be a REDNECK If..."
},
{
"body": "...a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15776,
"title": "You Might be a REDNECK If..."
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if...\r\n\r\nYou think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15778,
"title": "The Spectrum"
},
{
"body": "... you have an above-ground pool and you fish in it.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15779,
"title": "You Might be a REDNECK If..."
},
{
"body": "...you've ever had to have a wrecker pull your car out of a pothole in your driveway.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15781,
"title": "You Might be a REDNECK If..."
},
{
"body": "...you think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just \"misunderstood\".",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15782,
"title": "You Might be a REDNECK If..."
},
{
"body": "...your screen door has no screen.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15784,
"title": "You Might be a REDNECK If..."
},
{
"body": "...you cut the grass and find a Car.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15785,
"title": "You Might be a REDNECK If..."
},
{
"body": "...if you refer to the fifth grade as, \"your senior year\".",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15786,
"title": "You Might be a REDNECK If..."
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if...\r\n\r\nYou have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15789,
"title": "Capricorn"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if...\r\n\r\nYou think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15790,
"title": "Olympics"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if...\r\n\r\nYour gene pool doesn't have a \"deep end.\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15791,
"title": "Jean Genie"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if...\r\n\r\nYou think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15792,
"title": "Get His Burg II"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if...\r\n\r\nThe lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15793,
"title": "Benny the Dip"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if...\r\n\r\nYou're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15794,
"title": "Send in the Clowns"
},
{
"body": "You might be a redneck if...\r\n\r\nYou can talk for more than 20 minutes on the difference between squirrel and rabbit stew.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15795,
"title": "Vive La Difference!"
},
{
"body": "A Norwegian applied for a job as a logger deep in the Canadian woods.\r\n\r\nThe foreman took him into the bush to test his knowledge of logging. He stopped the truck, pointed at a tree, and said, \"See that tree over there? Tell me its species and how many board feet of lumber are in it.\"\r\n\r\nThe Norwegian immediately replied, \"Dat dere's a sitka spruce, eh? And she got 383 board feet of lumber in 'er.\" The foreman was impressed. He drove a little farther, pointed at another tree, and asked the same question.\r\n\r\n\"Lord tunderin'. Dat's yer Douglas fir. 690 board feet.\"\r\n\r\nThey drove a little farther, and the foreman asked again.\r\n\"Yeller cedar. 242 board feet.\"\r\n\r\nThe foreman was surprised; this Norwegian is correct and quick, not even using a calculator. He drove back to the office a little offended because the Norwegian is better at his game than he was. As they neared the office, the foreman figured out how to get the best of the new guy.\r\n\r\nHe stopped the truck, handed the Norwegian a piece of chalk, and said, \"See that tree over there? Mark an X on the front of it.\" The foreman thought, \"How could he know which is the front of a tree?\"\r\n\r\nThe Norwegian walked around the tree looking at the ground, then reached up, and marked an X on its trunk. \"Dat's da front a' dat tree, fer sure.\"\r\n\r\nThe foreman laughed and asked sarcastically, \"Now what makes you think that's the front of that tree?\"\r\n\r\nThe Norwegian looked down at his feet, rubbed the toe of one boot on the grass, and replied, \"Cuz somebody took a crap behind it, eh!\"\r\n\r\nHe got the job and is now the foreman.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15797,
"title": "Tree Fellers"
},
{
"body": "My grandfather invented the rear-view mirror.\r\n\r\nMade millions - hasn't looked back since!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15800,
"title": "Will You Look At That!"
},
{
"body": "If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL.\r\n\r\nIf you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.\r\n\r\nIf you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.\r\n\r\nIf you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15801,
"title": "Vive La Difference! II"
},
{
"body": "\"Hey, you! Pull over!\" shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars for speeding.\r\n\r\nShe went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident.\r\n\r\nThen inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, \"One pullover, $25.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15803,
"title": "Hey, You!"
},
{
"body": "One day, a blond put an advert in the library to start a marching band. 20 other blonds saw this advert and signed up. At their first destination they played \"Oh, when the saints\". At their second destination they played the same song. At their third destination they played the same song yet again! When they arrived at their fourth destination a member of the crowd butted in and kicked one of the drummers. \r\n\r\nThe blond that started the group said, \"Why did you do that?\" The guy replied \"Well, you've killed all of the people in the world because your band is rubbish but loud, so pretty much all the people are saints and they're marching into heaven, so stop playing!\"\r\n\r\nThe blond replied \"We were playing? I thought we were being serious about this band!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15805,
"title": "The Blond Band"
},
{
"body": "Bubba listened to the preacher at the revival and when the preacher asked those with needs to come forward for prayer, Bubba got in line.\r\n\r\nWhen it was his turn, the preacher asked, \"What do you want me to pray about?\"\r\n\r\nBubba said, \"Pray for my hearing, preacher.\"\r\n\r\nThe preacher put one hand over Bubba's ear and his other hand on top of Bubba's head and prayed a while. Then he removed his hands and asked, \"Bubba, now how is your hearing?\"\r\n\r\nBubba answered, \"I don't know, preacher. It's next Wednesday at the Baton Rouge courthouse!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 15806,
"title": "Hear Me, Lord!"
},
{
"body": "Some useless inventions:\r\n1) A waterproof teabag\r\n2) A swimsuit store in the North Pole\r\n3) Sugar free, fat free, taste free chocolate\r\n4) A parachute that opens on impact\r\n5) An ejector seat in a helicopter",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15807,
"title": "Useless Inventions"
},
{
"body": "The following are real excerpts from Help Desk logs at real corporations. Or are they?\r\n\r\n1. Help Desk: What kind of computer do you have?\r\nFemale customer: A white one...\r\n\r\n\r\n2. Help Desk: And now hit F8.\r\n\r\nCustomer: It's not working.\r\n\r\nHelp Desk: What did you do, exactly?\r\n\r\nCustomer: I hit the 'F' key 8 times as you told me, but nothing's happening...\r\n\r\n\r\n3. Hi, good afternoon, this is Elaine. I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...\r\n\r\n\r\n4. Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.\r\n\r\nHelp Desk: Have you tried pushing the button?\r\n\r\nCustomer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.\r\n\r\nHelp Desk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.\r\n\r\nCustomer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.\r\n\r\n5. Help Desk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?\r\n\r\nCustomer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 15808,
"title": "5 Giggle Bytes"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is like the internet; she's worldwide.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 15810,
"title": "So Fat"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. \r\n\r\n\"Johnny,\" she says, \"what comes after 'O'?\" \r\n\r\nJohnny says, \"Yeah!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15813,
"title": "Al - Phabet"
},
{
"body": "The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long-awaited death.\r\n\r\n\"Being of sound mind,\" read the lawyer, \"I spent every last cent before I died.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15816,
"title": "Up Yours!"
},
{
"body": "News just in - the drummer tripped over the cymbals, and hit his head.\r\n\r\nThe hospital spokesperson said, \"He'll be all right in a couple of days; he's just suffering from percussion.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15817,
"title": "Drumming Up Trade"
},
{
"body": "The university's gymnasium hallway displayed basketball team pictures from the past forty years.\r\n\r\nIn every photo, one player, sitting front row center, held a basketball identifying the year of the team: 94-95, 95-96, 96-97, 97-98, etc.\r\n\r\nOne day, a senior on the basketball team noticed a cute, blonde freshman cheerleader staring curiously at the photos. The senior, hoping to score a few points off the court, commented about the team's history.\r\n\r\nImpressed, the cute, blonde freshman cheerleader said: \"Isn't it amazing how the teams always won by just one point?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15818,
"title": "Aren't They Good!"
},
{
"body": "One night a couple was in their room and the woman had just performed amazing oral on her man. He asked her where she had learned how to do it like that. She than said to him, \"It took some practice but your dad finally taught me how to do it right.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15819,
"title": "The Nasty"
},
{
"body": "Carlos Mencia orginally said this but it's still true...\r\n\r\nWhat's makes life beautiful is the essence of the fact that it can go away - so you don't wanna live like that. You don't wanna be the person, do you, that had a fight. \r\n\r\nAn inconsequential, insignificant, stupid, fight with your spouse about who was supposed to open or close the window, or turn off the light at that bedtime, so you did it but you were pissed and you stayed pissed with you wife. Not cuz it was real, but hell, we'll make up later and nothing better than make up sex, is there? And in the morning you woke up and things were still bad. \r\n\r\nBut you kept that cuz, hey, I'm gonna come back and we're gonna do it - and then what happened? You went to your building, and you were, sadly, on that 90th floor, and that happened, and your ass is never gonna go back home again. and the best you could do was call your woman or man and say, \"I love you.\"\r\n\r\nAnd you missed that last night. Why? Because you thought that it would last forever. See, every comedy show you've ever been to ends with a big joke because that's what you need.... \r\n\r\nI end with a big joke, you laugh, I say good night, and that's how it's supposed to be. But that ain't life, my friends. \r\n\r\nIf you learn anything from me, learn one thing, that sometimes, sometimes . . . Shit happens.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15820,
"title": "Carlos Mencia"
},
{
"body": "Person A: Why did the chicken cross the road?\r\nPerson B: Is this a trick question?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15827,
"title": "The Chicken Who Crossed the Road"
},
{
"body": "1. Why are little children sweet-tooths? They keep crying when they can't have candy.\r\n\r\n2. Why are little children kindergarteners? Um... they're still learning basic skills, are they not?\r\n\r\n3. Why are little children such blanket-connected people? They have read too many Peanut strips and can't resist but be Linus.\r\n\r\n4. Why are little children people who like to joke around? They hear their dad's joke with them too often.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15830,
"title": "Why are Little Children..."
},
{
"body": "Sign outside a watch-maker's shop;\r\n\r\nWatch batteries fitted.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15831,
"title": "Are You Watching?"
},
{
"body": "Sign outside a Chinese restaurant:\r\n\r\nTry our curries, you'll never get better.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15832,
"title": "Try Our Curries"
},
{
"body": "A blonde is taking an interview, and the examiner is asking some general questions.\r\n\r\n\"What is the boiling temperature of water?\"\r\n\"I am not sure.\"\r\n\r\n\"Miss, either you know it or you don't know it.\"\r\n\"No, I am still not sure.\"\r\n\r\n\"The boiling temperature of water is 100 degrees!\"\r\n\r\n\"Ok, so it's the right angle that boils at 90 degrees?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15833,
"title": "In General"
},
{
"body": "\"I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, 'That is cool.' But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, 'That is not cool'. Then I figured it out: 'Cool' is all about leather sleeves.\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\"I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such...a specific item. I don't know that many words and I'm going out...and I have pants. Perfect!\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\"When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like 'Huh? What the heck is this?' but if it's in a fruit basket you're like 'This is nice!'\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"I feel stupid when I write the word banana. It's like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like 'Bana ... keep going. Bananana ... dang.'\r\n\r\n\r\n\"I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage, because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?' They look like trees.\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\"I like parties, but I don't like pi\u00c3\u00b1atas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.\"\r\n\r\n\"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that, but I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar, and that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart... Especially if the human is kind of hairy.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15834,
"title": "Demetri Martin Quotes"
},
{
"body": "\"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What's his name? Patches? Patches what? That's a dog. Don't waste my time.\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?? ...or Carnival?? ...Carburetor!?!? Man... \r\n\r\n\r\n\"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like 'Dang! I am less nurturing than a desert.\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\"I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.'\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. 'Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm cold just right here?'\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\"I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, 'Here's to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do... but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.'\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15835,
"title": "Demetri Martin Quotes 2"
},
{
"body": "\"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?!?' 'B-batteries, DANG IT!!!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. 'Dude make a left.' 'Those are trees...' 'Trust me.' \r\n\r\n\r\n\"I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there's a note saying 'I'm standing right behind you.'\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything.\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\"My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said \"if you need anything, I'm Jill\". I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.\" \r\n\r\n\r\n\"The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.\" \r\nMy friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying \"Oh, Steve's really a cat person\". No he's not. If Steve were a cat person it'd be, like, \"Hey, Steve never goes in the pool\". \r\n\r\n\r\nOn same Daily Show episode, when asked about dangers of MySpace: \"On the downside, it's loaded with sexual predators. On the plus side, it's also loaded with sexual prey.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15836,
"title": "Demetri Martin Quotes 3"
},
{
"body": "If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.\r\n\r\nIt was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word \"Happy\"... sarcastic birthday, douchebag.\r\n\r\nI love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then \u00c3\u008d said, \"Does he bite?\" She said \"No,\" and I said, \"Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? ... Liar.\"\r\n\r\nI think it would be cool, if you were writing a ransom note in Microsoft Word, and it popped up, the paperclip and said, \"It looks like you're writing a ransom note... need some help? You should curse more.\" The paperclip would be all messed up, you know? I never saw a paperclip with tattoos before.\r\n\r\nGraffiti... I don't like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like \"Oh, that's how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn't have known if I had not walked by there, thank you.\" Graffiti's the most passionate literature there is, you know? It's always like \"Bush sucks!\" \"U2 Rocks!\" I want to make indifferent graffiti. \"Toy Story 2 was okay!\" \"I like Sheryl as a friend, but I'm not sure about taking things further\"; \"This is a bridge!\"; \"That guy's right!\"\r\n\r\nIf you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.\r\n\r\nI wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.\r\n\r\nI don't like when I go in a store and they call me \"Boss.\" \"Hey boss, can I help you, boss?\" When they call me boss, I go, \"I got some bad news... I'm gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I'll give you severance, and give me the rest.\"\r\nI was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, \"Ya, can I just get those sneakers in a 10?\" And uh, he said, \"Okay\" and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, \"I don't have a 10, I have a 9.\" \"Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed, so that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, 'cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you're right on. I'll take the 9's and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You're re-hired 'cause you're a genius.\r\n\r\nA quick way to start a conversation is to say something like \"What's your favorite color?\" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like \"What's your favorite color...person?\"\r\n\r\nMy friend had a burrito. The next day he said, \"That burrito did not agree with me.\" I was like, \"Was the disagreement over whether or not you'd have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.\" \"I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, 'I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.'\"\r\n\r\nI'm excited to be here. I almost didn't do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, \"I'll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can't do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it.\" It worked out, it's cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves. - melbourne comedy festival.\r\n\r\nI heard this lady say \"I love kids.\" That's nice, a little weird though. It's like saying \"I like people, for a little while.\" \"How old are you? 14? Buzz off!\" You can say \"I love kids\" as a general statement, that's fine. It's when you get specific that you get in to trouble. \"I love twelve-year-olds.\"\r\n\r\nI was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, \"I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else,\" and I said, \"I am.\"\r\n\r\nI was thinking, they must have named oranges before they named carrots, \"What are these?\" \"They're orange, then, oranges..\" \"Then what are THESE?\" \"Aww, dang.... Long Pointies?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15837,
"title": "Demetri Martin Quotes 4"
},
{
"body": "# \"Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something. You can be a genius, but when you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big building I like food bye..'\"\r\n\r\n# \"I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.\"\r\n\r\n# \"You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.\"\r\n\r\n# \"My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'\"\r\n\r\n# \"It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia: 4-H.\"\r\n\r\n# \"There's a different kind of pride where I'm from. It's not like, 'We're from New York; we're tough,' or, 'We're from Texas; we like things big.' It's more like, 'We're from Indiana and... we're gonna move!'\"\r\n\r\n# \"I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, 'That guy's a jerk.'\"\r\n\r\n# \"Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden, and my mother was Elton John. He was a very good mommy!\"\r\n\r\n# \"Isn't it strange, when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're in a couple, all you see is hookers?\"\r\n\r\n# \"I was looking at a box of hot pockets and they have a warning on the side. It's like 'Warning! You just bought Hot Pockets! Hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer! You hillbilly, enjoy the next NASCAR event!'\"\r\n\r\n# \"I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.\"\r\n\r\n# \"Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like 'Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the SOCKS. They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?'\"\r\n\r\n# \"Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!\"\r\n\r\n# \"I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'\"\r\n\r\n# \"There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.\"\r\n\r\n# \"What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'\"\r\n\r\n# \"My wife always wants me to go to confession - don't get me wrong, it's not as if I don't enjoy lying to a holy man.\"\r\n\r\n# \"How'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'\"\r\n\r\n# \"Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?\"\r\n\r\n# \"I'm blind, bald, and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15838,
"title": "Jim Gaffigan Quotes"
},
{
"body": "I found this attached to a halloween scythe:\r\nBE SURE HEAD IS ATTACHED BEFORE USE.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15839,
"title": "Sleepy Hollow"
},
{
"body": "A blonde was driving along in her car one day, when she noticed a man at the side of the road, eating grass.\r\n\r\nShe pulled over and asked him \"Why are you eating the grass?\" The man replied, \"I'm too poor to afford any food, so I have to eat the grass to stay alive.\" The blonde said to him, \"Don't worry, you can come back to my house and I'll give you food.\"\r\n\r\nThe man, overjoyed, asked the blonde, \"But why are you helping me?\" She replied, \"Well, I like cows.\"\r\n\r\nThe man, who didn't think he'd heard her properly, repeated the question. \"Why do you want to help me?\" She said \"Because cows eat grass, so you must be a cow.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 15845,
"title": "Grass-eater"
},
{
"body": "I'm not being rascist, this actually happened to me.\r\n\r\nI was driving my car late at night along a fairly busy road, when I came across a very busy junction. Coming towards me, on the wrong side of the road, with no lights on except for the left indicator, was an Asian lady in her 4x4. I stopped, and started to back up, and she stopped at the junction as well, and turned right down another road (with her left indicator still on), and also still on the wrong side.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15846,
"title": "This is True (believe it or Not)"
},
{
"body": "What's green and runs round the garden?\r\n\r\nThe hedge!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15848,
"title": "Green"
},
{
"body": "\"I'm very sorry sir, but I don't have my homework with me- I left my bag on the bus.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well done! A+\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15849,
"title": "Terrorist School"
},
{
"body": "Dear son,\r\n\r\nGood luck with your exams tomorrow. I always think that it's best to stay up partying all of the night before an exam. Exam rooms are always a good place to catch up on sleep, because they're silent, and there's nothing to do in them anyway.\r\n\r\nLove,\r\nDad",
"category": "College",
"id": 15850,
"title": "Good Luck Letter"
},
{
"body": "A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Liberal Democrat.\r\nShe asks her students to raise their hands if they are Liberal Democrats too. \r\nNot really knowing what a liberal Democrat is, but wanting to be like their teacher, they all raise their hands. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. \"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat\", Lucy replies.\r\nThen, asks the teacher, what are you? \"I'm a Conservative,\" replies the Lucy.\r\nThe teacher is getting slightly angry now, so she asks Lucy \r\nwhy she is a Conservative.\r\n\"Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Mum and Dad are Conservatives, and I am a Conservative too.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher is now very angry, because she is a proud Liberal Democrat, and doesn't like the idea that she may have picked the wrong party. \"That's no reason,\" she says loudly. \"What if your Mum was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?\"\r\nA pause, and a smile. \"Then,\" says Lucy, \"I'd be a Liberal Democrat.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15854,
"title": "Liberal Democrats"
},
{
"body": "I have a new baby cousin named Caroline. She has a big brother named Sam (he just turned 2) and 2 big sisters named Elena and Erica.\r\nWell, my aunt was away with her three daughters. It was just my uncle and Sam at home.\r\nMy uncle and Sam were playing on the floor. My uncle had to fart, but he tried to let it out quietly, but it came out a little louder than he had expected. Then Sam perks up and says \"Baby Caroline?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 15858,
"title": "A True Story."
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so fat you can slap her ass all day and not slap the same place twice!.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 15865,
"title": "Smack That"
},
{
"body": "Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and she would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!\r\n\r\nA week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought an identical dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. \"Absolutely not - I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,\" she replied.\r\n\r\nJennifer told her mother who graciously said, \"Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.\" A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.\r\n \r\nWhen they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, \"Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.\" She smiled mischievously and replied, \"Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15866,
"title": "Here Comes The Bride's Mother!"
},
{
"body": "DON'T CHEAT!\r\n\r\nDraw a pig. Yes, that's right.\r\n\r\nOn a blank piece of paper, draw a pig, then scroll down and read the interpretation of your pig!\r\n\r\nDraw your pig first! And don't look at the next part until you are done! It won't be fun if you look first. \r\n\r\nNow if you're done...start to scroll down..... \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nYOU'RE CHEATING! DRAW THE DAMN PIG!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15867,
"title": "Draw a Pig"
},
{
"body": "\"We Haven't Had Any\"\r\n\r\nA store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, \"No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon.\"\r\n\r\nAlarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, \"That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.\"\r\n\r\nThe manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, \"Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.\r\n\r\n\"Now, what was it she wanted?\"\r\n\r\nThe clerk answered, \"Snow.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15868,
"title": "We Haven't Had Any"
},
{
"body": "<b>Little Birds</b>\r\nDo you know someone who seems to know everything?\r\n\r\nWhen asked why, they say, \"A little birdie told me.\" \r\n\r\nDid you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere - thus, these creatures are called \"Flies Unseen Everywhere\" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly.\r\n\r\nSome of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.\r\n\r\nThis person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition - and those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, \"Huh?\" \r\n\r\nWhy, I think it now should be pretty obvious to all, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15869,
"title": "Little Birds"
},
{
"body": "A king and a queen were ruling a kingdom together, but they weren't friends at all. The king hated the queen, and the queen hated the king.\r\n\r\nThe queen had a disorder, which had no name. When you asked her a two-way question (e.g. true or false) she will answer the word she heard last, so if you ask her, \"Do you need water to live, true/false,\" you know what she'll answer.\r\n\r\nThe city they ruled over was a bad city, there were crimes almost every hour. They had to be responsible over the town.\r\n\r\nOne day, someone murdered the King's son, and was trying to find out who had done it. He announced to the town, \"The one who killed my son, will be hanged, no matter who you are!\"\r\n\r\nPeople searched and searched, but could not find out who it was.\r\n\r\nSo the king eventually gave up, the town gathered around. He said, \"There's only one person left to ask! If this person is not it, the killer will have gotten away with this horrible crime.\"\r\n\r\nHe turned to the queen. He said to the town: \"I am pretty sure that the queen did not do it, but I'll ask anyway, just to make sure.\"\r\n\r\nHe asked her, \"Queen, did you kill my son? No or Yes?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15874,
"title": "The King and the Queen"
},
{
"body": "I wouldn't have believed this unless I seen it with my own eyes.\r\n\r\nI was walking down a street in the city I live in and noticed a store was going out of business. In the window was a huge sign \"GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE\", directly below that sign was another sign that said \"NOW HIRING!\"\r\n\r\nTalk about no job security!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 15875,
"title": "Strange But True"
},
{
"body": "\"You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither.\" ~ Steve Martin \r\n\r\n\"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.\" ~ Woody Allen \r\n\r\n\"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.\" ~ Rodney Dangerfield \r\n\r\n\"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.\" ~ Billy Crystal \r\n\r\n\"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.\" ~ Tom Clancy \r\n\r\n\"Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.\" ~ Robin Williams \r\n\r\n\"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.\" ~ Robin Williams",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15879,
"title": "Sex Quotes"
},
{
"body": "The Wacky Warning Label Contest, now in its 11th year, is conducted by Novi-based Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch as part of an effort to show the effects of lawsuits on warning labels. \r\n\r\nKevin Soave of Farmington Hills, a Detroit suburb, won the $500 grand prize for submitting the winning label. \r\n\r\nThe $250 second place was given to Carrianne, Jacob and Robby Turin of Greensburg, Pa., for a label they found on an iron-on T-shirt transfer that warns: \"Do not iron while wearing shirt.\" \r\n\r\nRichard Goodnow of Lancaster, Mass., earned the $100 third-place prize for a label on a baby stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns: \"Do not put child in bag.\" \r\n\r\nContest organizer Bob Dorigo Jones says the silly labels reflect how broken America's civil justice system is. \r\n\r\n\"Predatory lawyers know they can file ridiculous lawsuits against innocent product makers and blackmail them into a cash settlement - even in cases in which a user has ignored common sense,\" Dorigo Jones said. \r\n\r\nThose who oppose the contest say that while some warning labels may seem silly, even dumb warnings can do good. They have a warning of their own: Don't be so quick to laugh at labels that help save lives. \r\n\r\nHonorable mention went to Cyndi LaMonde of Traverse City for a label on a letter opener that says: \"Caution: Safety goggles recommended.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 15883,
"title": "Wacky Warnings - True Article"
},
{
"body": "Who was the most complaining woman in the bible?\r\nMary, because she got on Joseph's ass and rode it all the way to Bethlehem.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15884,
"title": "Most Complaining Woman In the Bible"
},
{
"body": "Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Frenchman Pierre Pumpille recently shunted a stationary car two feet by headbutting it. \"Women thought I was a god,\" he explained from his hospital bed.\r\n\r\nDeity or not, however, Pumpille is a veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head in 1995. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some \"men's games\". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen turnips, but then one man upped the ante by seizing a chainsaw and cutting off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski grabbed the saw and, shouting \"Watch this then,\" he swung at his own head and chopped it off.\r\n\r\n\"It's funny,\" said one companion, \"when he was young he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15885,
"title": "Macho Men?"
},
{
"body": "A prisoner in the new Allegheny County Jail in Pittsburgh attempted to evade his punishment by engineering an escape from his confinement. Jerome constructed a hundred-foot rope of bedsheets, broke through a supposedly shatter-proof cell window, began to climb to freedom down his makeshift ladder.\r\n\r\nIt is not known whether his plan took into account the curiosity of drivers on the busy street and Liberty Bridge below. It certainly did not take into account the sharp edges of the glass, the worn nature of the bedsheet, nor the great distance to the pavement. The bottom of the knotted bedsheet was 86 feet short of the ground. But our hero did not reach the end of the rope. The window pane sliced through the weak cloth and dropped him to his untidy demise 150 feet below.\r\n\r\nBut wait - there's more!\r\n\r\nApparently, the prison rumor of the previous death did not reach a prisoner who was awaiting transfer to federal penitentary one year later. He tied eight bedsheets together and rappelled from his seventh-floor window, only to find the rope fell 25 feet short of the ground. Luckier than Jerome, he merely fractured his ankle and scraped his face.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15886,
"title": "Escaping Conviction"
},
{
"body": "A Mexican jail guard died from an excess of zeal while supervising an inmate's conjugal visit. Raul Zarate Diaz was closely watching his charge from the roof of the prison when he tripped over an air vent, crashed through the skylight, and fell 23 feet to land beside the bed where the inmate and his wife were, against all odds, enjoying an intimate moment. The interrupted prisoner, offended by the intrusion, attempted to start a riot, but was squelched by prison security.\r\n\r\nPrisoners in the Tapachula facility reported that Diaz was in the habit of prowling the prison roof during conjugal visits, in search of prisoners to supervise. Local law enforcement reported that the guard was clutching a pornographic magazine, which was retained as evidence, and binoculars, whose sentimental value led to them being given back to the family of the deceased.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15887,
"title": "Peeper Plummets"
},
{
"body": "Apparently safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a roof four stories in the air!\r\n\r\nOn June 20, 2007 at 5 AM a 21 year-old couple was found naked in the road by a passing cabbie. Brent Tyler and Chelsey Tubleston were unconscious with obvious injuries and were taken to the nearest hospital where, despite treatment, were pronounced dead later that morning. Authorities were at a loss to explain what had happened. There were no wrecked cars, motorcycles, or any other witnesses to what had happened \u00e2\u0080\u0093 and there were no signs of their clothing! Police found clues when they searched the top of a nearby building where they located their clothes, neatly folded.\r\n\r\n\"It appears as if the two individuals were on the roof and could have accidentally fallen off the roof, onto the street,\" Sgt. Florence McCants said. There was no indication of foul play. (Perhaps there was indication of fore play?) The two fell about 50 to 60 feet, McCants said. Police found clothing for two people on the roof of the building at 900 Laurel Street, McCants said, and nothing else. She said police can only speculate at this point what they might have been doing on the roof... Hmmm...what do naked 21 year-old couples do at night, even if on a roof? Bowling? Waterskiing? Maybe it was strip poker and nobody won?\r\n\r\nQuotes from the friends seem fitting: Brian Corey worked with Mr. Tyler said: \"He liked the outdoors and was into fast cars. I think...it was kind of a place for him to reflect. He's a thinker; when he has decisions to make he would take his time and think it out. He mentioned to me he had a spot that was really cool and you could see over the whole city. I'm assuming that was it.\" DeAnn Morris, Ms. Tubleston's roommate said: \"She always wanted to make you feel better.\"\r\n\r\nBottom line \u00e2\u0080\u0093 if you're going to have outdoor sex, stay away from the edge of the roof!\r\n\r\nThis is a true Darwin award trifecta: two people die at the same time, WHILE in the act of procreation, due to an astonishingly poor decision.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15888,
"title": "Safe Sex?"
},
{
"body": "A teenage guitarist got so carried away while bouncing up and down on his bed mimicking a rock star that he flew out of a third floor window to his death, a Singapore newspaper reported yesterday.\r\n\r\nThe Straits Times said Li Xiao Meng, a 16-year-old from China who was studying at Singapore's Hua Business School, was a keen musician who liked to jump up and down while playing his guitar in his hostel room.\r\n\r\n\"But on November 17 he took things a bit too far,\" the newspaper said, reporting on a coroner's court findings.\r\n\r\nRuling death by misadventure, the court said evidence \"points to the deceased unintentionally falling out of the window to his death when he was hyped up with exhilaration, jumping up and down on the bed placed against an open window while mimicking a rock guitarist\".\"\r\n\r\nNormally the windows were locked, the newspaper said, but students sometimes forced them open so they could smoke, something prohibited by the hostel.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15889,
"title": "Rock Guitarist?"
},
{
"body": "This account of an aircraft accident is quoted directly from the National Transportation Safety Board report, with comments added in [brackets] for clarity.\r\n\r\nAircraft: PIPER PA-34-200T, Registration: N47506\r\nInjuries: 2 Fatal.\r\n\r\nThe private pilot and a pilot rated passenger [two pilots] were going to practice simulated instrument flight. Witnesses observed the airplane's right wing fail in a dive and crash. Examination of the wreckage and bodies revealed that both occupants were partially clothed and the front right seat was in the full aft reclining position. [The pilots had converted the co-pilot seat to a bed.] Neither body showed evidence of seatbelts or shoulder harnesses being worn. [They were lying on the bed.] Examination of the individuals' clothing revealed no evidence of ripping or distress to the zippers and belts. [Their lack of clothing seemed to be voluntary.]\r\n\r\nThe National Transportation Safety Board determines the probable cause(s) of this accident as follows:\r\n\r\nThe pilot in command's improper in-flight decision to divert her attention to other activities not related to the conduct of the flight. [The pilot and co-pilot were having sex, and nobody was flying the plane.] Contributing to the accident was the exceeding of the design limits of the airplane leading to a wing failure. [The lack of a pilot caused the plane to fly erratically, over-stressing the wing and leading to a crash.]",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15890,
"title": "What??"
},
{
"body": "Ivan, an experienced parachutist with 800 jumps under his belt, was videotaping a private lesson given by an instructor for a single trainee. He had attached the video camera to his helmet so that it would capture the entire day of instruction, and the supporting power supply and recorder were in a heavy satchel slung on his back.\r\n\r\nThe group went up in the plane, and the instructor led the enthusiastic beginner through preparations for the jump. Ivan carefully documented the lesson, which needed to be perfect for the sake of posterity.\r\n\r\nWhen they reached the jump site, Ivan jumped from the back of the plane and filmed the student and instructor jumping from the front of the plane. A few heartbeats later, tape still running, Ivan realized that he had been so focused on filming the jump that he had forgotten to strap on his own parachute. An FAA spokesperson said that the video equipment strapped to his back may have been mistaken for a parachute.\r\n\r\nIn the footage salvaged from the camera and spliced together, the student and instructor are shown in freefall befire they pull their ripcords and recede rapidly from view. Then the cameraman's hands reach for his own ripcord. When Ivan realizes he has no ripcord, ergo no chute, his hands are seen to flail about wildly, then the camera pans down towards the approaching earth...\r\n\r\nFilm from the final stage of the plunge was destroyed on impact.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15891,
"title": "No Parachute?"
},
{
"body": "To support his wife and 11 children, Charles Stephens, 58-year-old \"Demon Barber of Bristol,\" needed more money than he could make giving shaves and haircuts. Even his sideline as a daredevil, performing high dives and parachute jumps in England, barely helped cover the bills. He needed something big, something to make his reputation. There was nothing bigger and more daredevil-ish than going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Only two people had ever done it, and lived [check fact].\r\n\r\nIt didn't matter that one, Annie Taylor, was living in abject poverty or that the other, Bobby Leach, was trying to talk him out of using his heavy Russian oak barrel without first sending it on a test run. Leach's friend, William \"Red\" Hill, a daredevil whose sideline was rescuing people from Niagara's treacherous waters, also tried to dissuade Charles.\r\n\r\nBut Charles believed that if he strapped his arms to the side of the barrel and his feet to a large anvil as ballast, he would pop up out of the foam at the bottom of the cataract, safe, and right side up. He knew what he was doing and he was going to do it.\r\n\r\nHe launched his ungainly craft early one morning, and floated minutes through the rapids toward Horseshoe Falls on the Canadian side. 45 minutes after launch, the heavy barrel flew over the brink of the falls. So far, so good. But when Charles hit the water below, the anvil plunged through the bottom of the barrel, carrying most of Charles to the bottom with it. The barrel became stuck behind the falls. It wasn't until much later that the barrel's battered remains floated out into the mist. Attached was Charles' right arm, still strapped down, with his tattoo visible: \"Don't Forget Me Annie.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15892,
"title": "Barrel Over the Falls"
},
{
"body": "Eric A. Barcia, a 22-year-old Reston, VA resident, was found dead yesterday after he used bungee cords to jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said.\r\n\r\nThe fast food worker taped a number of bungee cords together and strapped one end around his foot. Barcia had the foresight to anchor the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, and he even remembered to measure the length of the bungee cords to make sure that they were a few feet short of the 70 foot drop. He proceeded to fall headfirst from the trestle, and hit the pavement 70 feet below several seconds later.\r\n\r\nFairfax County police said \"The stretched length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15893,
"title": "Bungee Jumping"
},
{
"body": "Alan Hall, 48, was found collapsed on the front lawn of his brother's Fairfield home on December 5, 8 hours after his penis had been cut off at the base. Paramedics rushed Hall to North Bay Medical Center, where surgeons were unsuccessful in their attempts to reattach his severed organ.\r\n\r\nHall blamed the maiming on a woman named Brenda, whom he met at a local gas station the previous night. He brought Brenda to his trailer, parked in the driveway of his brother's Fairfield home, and had sex. Around 3AM, the woman mentioned revenge and cut off his penis with a razor-sharp hobby knife, then fled the trailer on foot. Details of the attack were sketchy, and police were unsure why Hall could not defend himself. Fairfield police Lieutenant William Gresham said Hall may have been using drugs.\r\n\r\nA heated manhunt for Brenda ensued. She was described as a 42-year-old white female, 5' 7\" and 135 pounds, dressed in a white blouse, navy blue jacket and blue slacks, and possibly driving a brown Ford F350 pickup truck.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, after being discharged from the hospital on Monday, Hall drove off in a pickup hitched to his trailer and disappeared. Detectives were eager to interview him again, but were unable to locate him due to his transient lifestyle.\r\n\r\nMore intriguing details began to emerge.\r\n\r\nHall was arrested during the 1970's for drug possession and drunk driving. In 1982 he was arrested for taking his young daughter out of state. Psychological tests suggested that he suffered permanent mental trauma while serving with the U.S. Navy in Vietnam, causing blackouts and alcoholism. His ex-wife described him as a packrat who enjoyed taking trips in his mobile trailer home.\t\r\n\r\nIn 1983 Hall was convicted of voluntary manslaughter of a 23-year-old Suisun City woman found strangled in a car parked at a local Denny's restaurant on 17 February. Hall confessed to the murder, saying that she taunted him about his inability to achieve an erection when he tried to have sex with her. His statement was ruled inadmissible because of improper police interrogation techniques, and prosecutors agreed to let Hall plead guilty to voluntary manslaughter. He served half of a six-year prison term.\r\n\r\nPolice speculated that the woman who cut off his penis may have been carrying out a 14-year-old vendetta for the slaying of her friend. But the truth was even stranger.\r\n\r\nWhen Hall was finally located and interviewed on Thursday, he admitted that he cut off his own penis. A voice stress analyzer indicated that he was telling the truth. \"At this point, there is no evidence that a crime occurred,\" police Lieutenant William Gresham said in a press release. \"The case is being reclassified as an injured person report.\" Hall may face misdemeanor charges for filing a false police report.\r\n\r\nIronically, Alan Hall works as a pipe-fitter, according to court records.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15894,
"title": "Penis Amputation"
},
{
"body": "What do call a crying alien baby?\r\nAn Unidentifyed Crying Object!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15895,
"title": "Aliens"
},
{
"body": "A young woman, flying home after Christmas, asked the priest sitting beside her if he would help her.\r\n\r\n\"I will assist you if I can; what seems to be the problem?\" he asked. The young woman said, \"I have a very expensive, top of the range hairdryer which my mother gave me for Christmas; it is still unopened, and well over the Customs allowance. Could you carry it through Customs for me, under your robes, perhaps?\"\r\n\r\nThe priest said, \"All right, I will help you, but I must warn you, I cannot lie.\"\r\n\r\nAt the Customs desk, an official asked the priest, \"Father, do you have anything to declare?\" \"From the top of my head to my waist, I have nothing to declare.\"\r\n\r\nThe official pondered for a moment, and asked, \"And do you have anything to declare from the waist down, Father?\"\r\n\r\n\"I have a fantastic instrument which is designed to be used on a woman, but which is, at the moment, unused.\" \r\n\r\nThrough his laughter, the customs officer said, \"Go on ahead, Father.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15896,
"title": "The Hairdryer"
},
{
"body": "You go to sleep on the couch in your living room one night, but you find yourself unable to get any sleep. You realize it is probably because you are hungry, so you go and make a pb&j, and eat it.\r\n.....\r\nYou lay back down.\r\n......\r\nAfter a while, you get sorta thirsty, so you get up again and go get a drink of rootbeer. GULP~GULP~GULP~....BURP!\r\n......\r\nYou lay back down.\r\n.....\r\nStill no sleep.\r\nYou do what everybody recommends - you count sheep. 1...2...3...4....5....\r\n\r\nYou have to go to the bathroom from all of that rootbeer.\r\n....\r\nYou lay back down.\r\n......\r\nStill no sleep, so you start singing, \"Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,\" to yourself - but when you finish, you are still not tired.\r\n\r\nYou say you favorite bedtime story to yourself out loud because you have it memorized and because no one else is around.....and after a while...you fall asleep.\r\n\r\nIn the morning at 9:00, you wake up. What side of the bed do you wake up on? Right or left?\r\n...........Take your time to think.\r\n\r\n.....\r\nNeither, silly. You slept on the couch!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15899,
"title": "Tryin' to Sleep"
},
{
"body": "What part of music is the part you'd better not try to sing?\r\n\r\nRefrain!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15901,
"title": "Not Try to Sing"
},
{
"body": "What is a musician with real high morals? \r\n\r\nVirtuoso.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15902,
"title": "High Morals"
},
{
"body": "Who composed the Unfinished Symphony? \r\n\r\nSherbet.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15903,
"title": "Unfinished Symphony"
},
{
"body": "What was the principal singer of nineteenth century opera called? \r\n\r\nPre-Madonna!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15904,
"title": "Principal Singer"
},
{
"body": "Fill in the blank:\r\n\r\nThe person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing _________. \r\n\r\nYesterday.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15905,
"title": "The Person"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nU P \r\n\r\nBroken up!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15906,
"title": "U P"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nWeather Cast Cast Cast Cast \r\n\r\nWeather forecast!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15907,
"title": "Weather Cast Cast Cast Cast"
},
{
"body": "What does this represent?\r\n\r\nW\r\nA\r\nT\r\nE\r\nR \r\n\r\nWaterfall!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15909,
"title": "WATER"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nA R M S \r\n\r\nOpen arms!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15910,
"title": "A R M S"
},
{
"body": "Les ch\u00c3\u00a8res l\u00c3\u00a9ch\u00c3\u00a8rent les chairs.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15911,
"title": "Les Ch\u00c3\u00a8res"
},
{
"body": "CONGRATULATIONS!\r\n\r\nWHY? BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE OF THE VERY VERY VERY FEW WHO READ THE README FILE!\r\n\r\nBut because the other, huge percentage do NOT, we moved the actual contents of this file into IGNOREME file because the chances for most of the people to read IGNOREME are at least the chances to read README (more than that, we\r\nbelieve they are really much higher).\r\n\r\nSo now, go read IGNOREME with the actual contents what you would have expected here.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15912,
"title": "Readme File of Some Software"
},
{
"body": "Do Chinese eat dogs?\r\nYes. And cats. Especially on our \"Thanks receiving\" day. Besides, turkeys are our favorite pets. In China only the most uneducated eat turkeys.\r\n\r\nChina is becoming strong. Does your government want to take over the world?\r\nYes, absolutely. As soon as we become powerful, we will invade Iraq and Afghanistan.\r\n\r\nWhy doesn't your government give Tibet back to its monks?\r\nBecause the monks want to help the Seminoles take back Florida.\r\n\r\nAre the products made in China very cheap?\r\nYes. Were we using slaves, the price would be even cheaper.\r\n\r\nWhy you are the only kid in your family?\r\nBecause my parents don't fuck with everybody.\r\n\r\nYou have 1.4 billion people. Now what do you want to do with it?\r\nFind a new planet. Kill the native people there, and move in.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15915,
"title": "Q&A of China"
},
{
"body": "The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, \"Go forth and multiply.\"\r\n\r\nA few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. \"What's the problem?\" says Noah. \"Cut down some trees and let us live there\", say the snakes.\r\n\r\nNoah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, \"Want to tell me how the trees helped?\"\r\n\r\n\"Certainly\", say the snakes. \"We're adders, so we need logs to multiply.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15920,
"title": "Multiply"
},
{
"body": "Thanks for having me. I was excited to come back to Calvin, and I was just telling Laura the other night about what fun it would be to come to Calvin College. I said, you know, Laura, I love being around so many young folks. You know, it gives me a chance to relive my glory days in academia. (Laughter.) She said, George, that's not exactly how I would describe your college experience. (Laughter.) She also said one other thing I think the graduates will appreciate hearing, a good piece of advice. She said, the folks here are here to get their diploma, not to hear from an old guy go on too long. (Laughter.) So with that sage advice, here goes.\r\n\r\nI bring a great message of hope and freedom to Calvin College Class of 2005: There is life after Professor Vanden Bosch and English 101. (Laughter.) Some day you will appreciate the grammar and verbal skills you learned here.\r\n(Laughter and applause.) And if any of you wonder how far a mastery of the English language can take you, just look what it did for me. (Laughter and applause.)",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15925,
"title": "Bush's Humor"
},
{
"body": "Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15928,
"title": "Kind of Makes You Think 1"
},
{
"body": "Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15930,
"title": "Kind of Makes You Think 3"
},
{
"body": "This is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. \r\n \r\n \r\n\r\nDear Sir:\r\n\r\nI am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.\r\n\r\nI noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. \r\n\r\nBe aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.\r\n\r\nIn due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. \r\n\r\nLet me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:\r\n\r\nIMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH\r\n\r\n#1. To make an appointment to see me\r\n\r\n#2. To query a missing payment.\r\n\r\n#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.\r\n\r\n#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.\r\n\r\n#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.\r\n\r\n#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.\r\n\r\n#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.\r\n\r\n#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.\r\n\r\n#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.\r\n\r\n#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nYour Humble Client\r\n\r\n\r\n(Name Withheld)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15931,
"title": "Revenge!"
},
{
"body": "Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15933,
"title": "Kind of Makes You Think 4"
},
{
"body": "Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15934,
"title": "Kind of Makes You Think 5"
},
{
"body": "If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15938,
"title": "Kind of Makes You Think 10"
},
{
"body": "Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15939,
"title": "Kind of Makes You Think 11"
},
{
"body": "Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15941,
"title": "Kind of Makes You Think 13"
},
{
"body": "Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15944,
"title": "Kind of Makes You Think 15"
},
{
"body": "Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15948,
"title": "Kind of Makes You Think 19"
},
{
"body": "In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15949,
"title": "Kind of Makes You Think 20"
},
{
"body": "Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15950,
"title": "Kind of Makes You Think 21"
},
{
"body": "If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife/girlfriend told you to do it?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15951,
"title": "Kind of Makes You Think 22"
},
{
"body": "And my FAVORITE......\r\n\r\nThe statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15952,
"title": "Kind of Makes You Think 23"
},
{
"body": "A couple, hosting a dinner party, were interrupted when the maid called the hostess to the kitchen.\r\n\r\n\"Ma'am, the cat climbed up on the kitchen counter and ate the middle of the salmon.\"\r\n\r\nLight on her feet, the hostess told her to replace the missing portion with canned salmon, then returned to her guests. As everyone enjoyed the fish, the maid summoned the hostess into the kitchen again.\r\n\r\n\"Ma'am, the cat is dead!\"\r\n\r\nThe frightened hostess felt obliged to inform her guests and suggested everyone go to the hospital together to get their stomachs pumped.\r\n\r\nReturning home after their long, expensive, and embarrassing ordeal, she asked the maid where she had put the cat. \"Nowhere, Ma'am. It's still out in the street where the car hit it!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15953,
"title": "Salmon Chanted Evening"
},
{
"body": "Jesus is sitting down one day and is visioning the high rate of drug consumption on earth in later years. He thought it was a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sent his apostles out to find what drugs they could.\r\n\r\nThe secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock: \"Who is it?\" \"It's Paul\" \r\nJesus opens the door. \r\n\"What did you bring Paul?\" \r\n\"Hashish from Morocco\" \r\nanother knock ... \r\n\"Who is it?\" \r\n\"It's Mark\" \r\nJesus opens the door. \r\n\"What did you bring Mark?\" \r\n\"Marijuana from Colombia\" \r\nanother knock ... \r\n\"Who is it?\" \r\n\"It's Matthew\" \r\nJesus opens the door. \r\n\"What did you bring Matthew ?\" \r\n\"Cocaine from Bolivia\"\r\nThis continues for a while until finally there's a 12th knock on the door\"Who is it?\" \r\n\"It's Judas\" \r\nJesus opens the door. \r\n\"What did you bring Judas?\" \r\n\"FBI!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 15955,
"title": "Jesus and Drugs"
},
{
"body": "\"Hey Sean, I've got a job lined up for you, can you turn up tomorrow, about tenish?\"\r\n\r\n\"Tennish? I don't even have a racket\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 15957,
"title": "What Time?"
},
{
"body": "A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: \"I got a hot date tonight, an' I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?\" The pharmacist responds: \"A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.\" \"TACKS!\" the shocked redneck says. \"Gawd a' mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15958,
"title": "Tacks"
},
{
"body": "Just after Creation the Lord noticed that the original male-female pair of snakes were not reproducing. He summoned them and said, \"I thought I told everyone to go forth and multiply?\" The snakes replied, \"Yes Lord, but we cannot.\" The Lord was annoyed and thundered, \"and why not?\" to which the snakes answered, \"You see, Lord, you made us Adders.\"\r\n\r\nWe could have stopped here (small groan), but actually the Lord got real sore and threatened, \"I don't give a shit, just go forth and multiply!\"\r\n\r\nA week later when the Lord visited, Lo! - was he pleased. Adders here, adders there, adders everywhere. He called for the original pair. \"Congratulations,\" he said, and then not without some bafflement inquired, \"how did you do it?\" The ingenious pair replied, \"It was simple, Lord. We used logarithms.\"\r\n\r\nAlternative ending, \"Fibonacci coached us.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 15961,
"title": "Snake"
},
{
"body": "You might remember Zeno's paradox, but in case you don't here it is again. Zeno argued that motion is an illusion. Now, by motion he meant movement, and not the rude kind that involves bowels but the Newtonian kind. He did this by the Achilles (A) and the Tortoise (T) parable. For argument's sake, say A runs 10 times faster than T can crawl. Then let T be placed 10 meters ahead of A at the start of a race. When A has moved 10 meters, T has moved 1 meter, so T is now still 1 meter ahead of A. Then when A has covered that 1 meter, T has gone 1/10 meter ahead. Etc. So, A will never ever pass T. Poor Zeno, it was reported that he found this logic so persuasive that he did not bother to move again, a kind of ontological constipation perhaps?\r\n\r\nBut the naughty version of it is a bit sexist (feminists, please reverse male and female roles in this story!). It goes like this. A psychologist wanted to test the difference in logical thinking between engineering and mathematics majors, and for this purpose he set up an experiment in which the subjects were respectively a male Mathematics and a randy male Engineering undergraduate. He showed them into the lab. At the far end of the long, narrow room was a luscious semi-clad bimbo. His instructions were like so: \"Fellas, I have in my hands a buzzer that I will sound every minute. Every time I do that, you can walk half the distance that remains between yourself and the lady. Should you ever reach her, you will find her most accommodating. Do you wish to participate in the experimemt?\"\r\n\r\nMath major: \"You don't fool me. This is the equivalent of the Zeno Paradox, so I am not wasting my time. I am going home, 'Bye.\" [Exeunt]\r\nEngineering major: \"Hee, hee! I am staying. I estimate that in 10 minutes, I will be close enough for all practical purposes.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 15962,
"title": "Zeno's Paradox Re-visited"
},
{
"body": "Susan (\u00e5\u00a5\u00b3\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e6\u008a\u00b1\u00e7\u009d\u0080\u00e5\u00ad\u00a9\u00e5\u00ad\u0090)\r\nVic (\u00e8\u00b0\u0083\u00e4\u00be\u0083)\r\n\r\nVic: Finger the baby's ass,\r\n if he kicks, he'll be a sorcer,\r\n if he screams, he'll be a singer,\r\n if he laughs, he'll be a homo.\r\nSusan:(\u00e7\u00ac\u0091\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e7\u0084\u00b6\u00e5\u0090\u008e\u00e9\u0097\u00ae)What about a girl?\r\nVic: We finger them when they over 18.\r\n......\r\n\u00e7\u0088\u0086\u00e7\u00ac\u0091....",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15963,
"title": "Lover's Bitch"
},
{
"body": "Shakespeare:\r\nIf you love someone,\r\nSet her free ....\r\nIf she ever comes back, she's yours,\r\nIf she doesn't, here's the poison, suicide yourself for her.\r\n\r\nOptimist:\r\nIf you love someone,\r\nSet her free ....\r\nDon't worry, she will come back.\r\n\r\nSuspicious:\r\nIf you love someone,\r\nSet her free ....\r\nIf she ever comes back, ask her why.\r\n\r\nImpatient:\r\nIf you love someone,\r\nSet her free ....\r\nIf she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.\r\n\r\nPatient:\r\nIg you love someone,\r\nSet her free ....\r\nIf she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.\r\n\r\nPlayful:\r\nIf you love someone,\r\nSet her free ....\r\n*If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*\r\n\r\nC++ Programmer:\r\nif(you-love(m_she))\r\nm_she.free()\r\nif(m_she == NULL)\r\nm_she= new CShe;\r\n\r\nLawyers:\r\nIf you love someone,\r\nSet her free,\r\nClause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that....\r\n\r\nBill Gates:\r\nIf you love someone,\r\nSet her free,\r\nIf she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.\r\n\r\nBiologist:\r\nIf you love someone,\r\nSet her free, She'll evolve.\r\n\r\nStatisticians:\r\nIf you love someone, Set her free,\r\nIf she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, the Weibull distribution and your relation was improbable anyway.\r\n\r\nSalesman:\r\nIf you love someone,\r\nSet her free ....\r\nIf she ever comes back, deal!\r\nIf she doesn't, so what! \"NEXT\".\r\n\r\nSchwarzenegger's fans:\r\nIf you love someone,\r\nSet her free,\r\nSHE'LL BE BACK!\r\n\r\nInsurance agent:\r\nIf you love someone,\r\nShow her the plan ....\r\nIf she ever comes back, sign her up,\r\nIf she doesn't, keep follow up with her and never give up!\r\n\r\nPhysician:\r\nIf you love someone,\r\nSet her free ....\r\nIf she ever comes back, it's the law of gravity,\r\nIf she doesn't, either there's friction higher than the force or the angle of collision between two objects did not synchronize at the right angle.\r\n\r\nMathematician:\r\nIf you love someone,\r\nSet her free ....\r\nIf she ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!),\r\nIf she doesn't, Y = 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c is the infinite constant of no turning point.\r\n\r\nNowadays' style:\r\nIf You Love Someone,\r\nSet it free,\r\nIf It Comes Back, It is Yours\r\nIf It Doesn't, Hunt it Down and Kill It...!!! OR PERHAPS REPORT TO IMMIGRATION THAT SHE/HE IS AN ILLEGAL.\r\n\r\nIf you love someone\r\nWHY IN THE FIRST PLACE SET HER FREE???\r\nCARELESS IDIOT!!!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15973,
"title": "If You Love Someone..."
},
{
"body": "Let's test your IQ.............\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n1. man\r\n -----------\r\n board\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Ans. man overboard\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 2. stand\r\n -----------\r\n i\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n I understand\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n ok?....get the drift?\r\n\r\n Let's try a few now & see how you fare.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Reading between the lines\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 4. r\r\n road\r\n a\r\n d\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Crossroad\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 5. cycle\r\n cycle\r\n cycle\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Tricycle\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 6.\r\n t\r\n o\r\n w\r\n n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Downtown\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 7.\r\n le /\r\n / vel\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Split level\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 8 . 0\r\n ------------\r\n M.D.\r\n Ph.D.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Two degrees below zero\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 9. knee\r\n ------------\r\n light\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Neon light (knee-on light)\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 10. ii ii\r\n -----------\r\n O O\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Circles under the eyes\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 11. dice\r\n dice\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Paradise\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 12. t\r\n o\r\n u\r\n c\r\n h\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Touchdown\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 13. ground\r\n ---------------\r\n feet\r\n feet\r\n feet\r\n feet\r\n feet\r\n feet\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Six feet underground\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 14. he's / himself\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n He's by himself\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 15. ecnalg\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Backward glance\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 16. death / life\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Life after death\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 17 THINK\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Think big!\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n And the last one is fun............\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n 18 ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb....\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n Long time no 'c'(see)!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15976,
"title": "Test Your IQ"
},
{
"body": "One day I gonna to Malta to a big hotel, in the morning I go down to eat a breakfast. I tell the waitress that I want two pieces of toast. She brings me only one piece. I tell her \"I wanna two pieces\". She say \"Go to the toilet\". I say\r\n \"you don't understand, I wanna two pieces on my plate\". She say to me, \"you better not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch\". I do not even know this lady and she call me a sonnawabitch!!\r\n\r\nLater I go to eat at a bigger restaurant. The waiter brings\r\nme a Spoon and a knief but no fock. I tell her \"I wanna a fock\" and she tella me : \"everyone wanna fuck\". I tella her \" you don't understand me...I wanna fock on the table\". She say : \"you better not fuck on the table you sonnawabitch.\"\r\n\r\nSo I go back to my room in my hotel and there is no sheets on the bed. I call the manager and tell him \"I wanna a sheet\". he tell me to go the toilet. I say \"you don't understand I wanna a sheet on my bed\". He say: \"you better not shit on the bed, you sonnawabitch\".\r\n\r\nI go to the Check out and the man at the desk said \"peace on you\".and I say: \"Piss on you too, you sonnawabicth\". I gonna back to Italy!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15980,
"title": "Peace on You and Fork on a Table?"
},
{
"body": "1. Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was born on and died on days when Halley's Comet can be seen. During his life he predicted that he would die when it could be seen.\r\n\r\n2. US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen.\r\n\r\n3. The \"57\u00e2\u0080\u00b3 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of pickle types the company once had.\r\n\r\n4. Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world's garbage annually. On average, that's 3 pounds a day per person.\r\n\r\n5. Giraffes and rats can last longer without water than camels.\r\n\r\n6. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks so that it doesn't digest itself.\r\n\r\n7. Ninety-eight percent of all murders and rapes are by a close family member or friend of the victim.\r\n\r\n8. A B-25 bomber crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945.\r\n\r\n9. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.\r\n\r\n10. The dot over the letter \"i\" is called a tittle.\r\n\r\n11. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.\r\n\r\n12. Benjamin Franklin was the fifth in a series of the youngest son of the youngest son.\r\n\r\n13. Triskaidekaphobia means fear of the number 13. Paraskevidekatriaphobia means fear of Friday the 13th (which occurs one to three times a year). In Italy, 17 is considered an unlucky number. In Japan, 4 is considered an unlucky number.\r\n\r\n14. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.\r\n\r\n15. All the chemicals in a human body combined are worth about 6.25 euro (if sold separately).\r\n\r\n16. In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles.\r\n\r\n17. The ZIP in \"ZIP code\" means Zoning Improvement Plan.\r\n\r\n18. Coca-Cola contained Coca (whose active ingredient is cocaine) from 1885 to 1903.\r\n\r\n19. A \"2 by 4\u00e2\u0080\u00b3 is really 1 1/2 by 3 1/2.\r\n\r\n20. It's estimated that at any one time around 0.7% of the world's population is drunk.\r\n\r\n21. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades = David ; Clubs = Alexander the Great ; Hearts = Charlemagne ; Diamonds = Caesar\r\n\r\n22. Forty percent of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.\r\n\r\n23. Every person, including identical twins, has a unique eye and tongue print along with their finger print.\r\n\r\n24. The \"spot\" on the 7-Up logo comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino.\r\n\r\n25. Three hundred and fifteen entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.\r\n\r\n26. The \"save\" icon in Microsoft Office programs shows a floppy disk with the shutter on backwards.\r\n\r\n27. Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin both married their first cousins (Elsa L\u00c3\u00b6wenthal and Emma Wedgewood respectively).\r\n\r\n28. Camel's have three eyelids.\r\n\r\n29. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents every day.\r\n\r\n30. John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.\r\n\r\n31. Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.\r\n\r\n32. Chocolate can kill dogs; it directly affects their heart and nervous system.\r\n\r\n33. Daniel Boone hated coonskin caps.\r\n\r\n34. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.\r\n\r\n35. Fifty-five point one percent of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses.\r\n\r\n36. Most lipstick contains fish scales.\r\n\r\n37. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.\r\n\r\n38. Dr. Seuss pronounced his name \"soyce\".\r\n\r\n39. Slugs have four noses.\r\n\r\n40. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.\r\n\r\n41. The Three Wise Monkeys have names: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil), and Mazaru (Speak no evil).\r\n\r\n42. India has a Bill of Rights for cows.\r\n\r\n43. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. (DON'T TRY IT, DUMBASS)\r\n\r\n44. During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years, it was deemed more feasible to send their shirts to Hawaii for servicing.\r\n\r\n45. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by taking out an olive from First Class salads.\r\n\r\n46. About 200,000,000 M&Ms are sold each day in the United States.\r\n\r\n47. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.\r\n\r\n48. Over a course of about eleven years, the sun's magnetic poles switch places. This cycle is called \"Solarmax\".\r\n\r\n49. There are 318,979,564,000 possible combinations of the first four moves in Chess.\r\n\r\n50. Upper and lower case letters are named \"upper\" and \"lower\" because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the lower case letters.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15985,
"title": "Useless Facts #1"
},
{
"body": "51. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.\r\n\r\n52. The numbers \"172\u00e2\u0080\u00b3 can be found on the back of the US 5 dollar bill, in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.\r\n\r\n53. Coconuts kill about 150 people each year. That's more than sharks.\r\n\r\n54. Half of all bank robberies take place on a Friday.\r\n\r\n55. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before it.\r\n\r\n56. The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.\r\n\r\n57. The first bomb the Allies dropped on Berlin in WWII killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.\r\n\r\n58. The average raindrop falls at 7 miles per hour.\r\n\r\n59. It took Leonardo Da Vinci 10 years to paint Mona Lisa. He never signed or dated the painting. Leonardo and Mona had identical bone structures according to the painting. X-ray images have shown that there are 3 other versions under the original.\r\n\r\n60. If you put a drop of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.\r\n\r\n61. Bruce Lee was so fast that they had to slow the film down so you could see his moves.\r\n\r\n62. The largest amount of money you can have without having change for a dollar is $1.19 (3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies cannot be divided into a dollar).\r\n\r\n63. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's \"Born in the USA\".\r\n\r\n64. IBM's motto is \"Think\". Apple later made their motto \"Think different\".\r\n\r\n65. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original \"Halloween\" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white, due to low budget.\r\n\r\n66. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.\r\n\r\n67. The phrase \"rule of thumb\" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.\r\n\r\n68. One in fourteen women in America is a natural blonde. Only one in sixteen men is.\r\n\r\n69. The Olympic was the sister ship of the Titanic, and she provided twenty-five years of service.\r\n\r\n70. When the Titanic sank, 2228 people were on it. Only 706 survived.\r\n\r\n71. In America, someone is diagnosed with AIDS every 10 minutes. In South Africa, someone dies due to HIV or AIDS every 10 minutes.\r\n\r\n72. Every day, 7% of the US eats at McDonald's.\r\n\r\n73. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, which Motorola got their name from.\r\n\r\n74. In the US, about 127 million adults are overweight or obese; worldwide, 750 million are overweight and 300 million more are obese. In the US, 15% of children in elementary school are overweight; 20% are worldwide.\r\n\r\n75. In Disney's Fantasia, the Sorcerer to whom Mickey played an apprentice was named Yensid (Disney spelled backward).\r\n\r\n76. During his entire life, Vincent Van Gogh sold exactly one painting, \"Red Vineyard at Arles\".\r\n\r\n77. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.\r\n\r\n78. One in ten people live on an island.\r\n\r\n79. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.\r\n\r\n80. Twenty-eight percent of Africa is classified as wilderness. In North America, its 38%.\r\n\r\n81. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.\r\n\r\n82. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.\r\n\r\n83. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said \"Elementary, my dear Watson\", Humphrey Bogart NEVER said \"Play it again, Sam\" in Casablanca, and they NEVER said \"Beam me up, Scotty\" on Star Trek.\r\n\r\n84. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.\r\n\r\n85. Sharon Stone was the first Star Search spokes model.\r\n\r\n86. The sound you here when you put a seashell next to your ear is not the ocean, but blood flowing through your head.\r\n\r\n87. More people are afraid of open spaces (kenophobia) than of tight spaces (claustrophobia).\r\n\r\n88. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.\r\n\r\n89. There is a 1 in 4 chance that New York will have a white Christmas.\r\n\r\n90. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.\r\n\r\n91. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.\r\n\r\n92. Back in the mid to late '80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.\r\n\r\n93. $203,000,000 is spent on barbed wire each year in the U.S.\r\n\r\n94. Every US president has worn glasses (just not always in public).\r\n\r\n95. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.\r\n\r\n96. Jim Henson first coined the word \"Muppet\". It is a combination of \"marionette\" and \"puppet.\"\r\n\r\n97. The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with (not counting the words \"North\" and \"South\").\r\n\r\n98. The Michelin man is known as Mr. Bib. His name was Bibendum in the company's first ads in 1896.\r\n\r\n99. About 20% of bird species have become extinct in the past 200 years, almost all of them because of human activity.\r\n\r\n100. The word \"lethologica\" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15986,
"title": "Useless Facts #2"
},
{
"body": "101. About 14% of injecting drug users are HIV positive.\r\n\r\n102. A word or sentence that is the same front and back (racecar, kayak) is called a \"palindrome\".\r\n\r\n103. A snail can sleep for 3 years.\r\n\r\n104. People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide.\r\n\r\n105. China has more English speakers than the United States.\r\n\r\n106. Finnish folklore says that when Santa comes to Finland to deliver gifts, he leaves his sleigh behind and rides on a goat named Ukko instead. According to French tradition, Santa Claus has a brother named Bells Nichols, who visits homes on New Year's Eve after everyone is asleep, and if a plate is set out for him, he fills it with cookies and cakes.\r\n\r\n107. One in every 9000 people is an albino.\r\n\r\n108. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.\r\n\r\n109. You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.\r\n\r\n110. Everyday, more money is printed for Monopoly sets than for the U.S. Treasury.\r\n\r\n111. Every year 4 people in the UK die putting their trousers on.\r\n\r\n112. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds; dogs only have about ten.\r\n\r\n113. Our eyes are always the same size from birth but our nose and ears never stop growing.\r\n\r\n114. In every episode of \"Seinfeld\" there is a Superman picture or reference somewhere.\r\n\r\n115. If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.\r\n\r\n116. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.\r\n\r\n117. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.\r\n\r\n118. Each year in America there are about 300,000 deaths that can be attributed to obesity.\r\n\r\n119. About 55% of all movies are rated R.\r\n\r\n120. About 500 movies are made in the US and 800 in India annually.\r\n\r\n121. Arabic numerals are not really Arabic; they were created in India.\r\n\r\n122. Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations (implemented on July 16, 1969) makes it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles.\r\n\r\n123. The February of 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.\r\n\r\n124. The Pentagon in Arlington Virginia has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.\r\n\r\n125. There is actually no danger in swimming right after you eat, though it may feel uncomfortable.\r\n\r\n126. The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth II moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.\r\n\r\n127. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.\r\n\r\n128. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.\r\n\r\n129. There are about 2 chickens for every human in the world.\r\n\r\n130. The word \"maverick\" came into use after Samuel Maverick, a Texan refused to brand his cattle. Eventually any unbranded calf became known as a Maverick.\r\n\r\n131. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.\r\n\r\n132. For every memorial statue with a person on a horse, if the horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died of battle wounds; if all four of the horse's legs are on the ground, the person died of natural causes.\r\n\r\n133. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the American flag is flying over the Parliament Building.\r\n\r\n134. An American urologist bought Napoleon's penis for $40,000.\r\n\r\n135. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.\r\n\r\n136. Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters \"MT\".\r\n\r\n137. $283,200 is the absolute highest amount of money you can win on Jeopardy.\r\n\r\n138. Almonds are members of the peach family.\r\n\r\n139. Rats and horses can't vomit.\r\n\r\n140. The penguin is the only bird that can't fly but can swim.\r\n\r\n141. There are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.\r\n\r\n142. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies room during a dance.\r\n\r\n143. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.\r\n\r\n144. There are only four words in the English language that end in \"-dous\": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.\r\n\r\n145. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.\r\n\r\n146. Every time you lick a stamp you consume 1/10 of a calorie.\r\n\r\n147. \"101 Dalmatians\" and \"Peter Pan\" are the only Disney animations in which both of a character's parents are present and don't die during the movie.\r\n\r\n148. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.\r\n\r\n149. Hedenophobic means fear of pleasure.\r\n\r\n150. Ancient Egyptian priests would pluck every hair from their bodies.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15987,
"title": "Useless Facts #3 (srry If There are Dupes)"
},
{
"body": "151. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.\r\n\r\n152. Half of all crimes are committed by people under the age of 18. 80% of burglaries are committed by people aged 13-21.\r\n\r\n153. An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.\r\n\r\n154. All polar bears are left-handed.\r\n\r\n155. The catfish has over 27000 taste buds (more than any other animal)\r\n\r\n156. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.\r\n\r\n157. Butterflies taste with their feet.\r\n\r\n158. Elephants are the only mammals that cannot jump.\r\n\r\n159. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.\r\n\r\n160. Starfish have no brains.\r\n\r\n161. 11% of the world is left-handed.\r\n\r\n162. John Hancock and Charles Thomson were the only people to sign the Declaration of independence on July 4th, 1776. The last signature came five years later.\r\n\r\n163. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.\r\n\r\n164. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.\r\n\r\n165. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.\r\n\r\n166. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.\r\n\r\n167. A healthy (non-colorblind) human eye can distinguish between 500 shades of gray.\r\n\r\n168. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.\r\n\r\n169. Lizards can self-amputate their tails for protection. It grows back after a few months.\r\n\r\n170. Los Angeles' full name is \"El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula\". It can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.\r\n\r\n171. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.\r\n\r\n172. A honeybee can fly at fifteen miles per hour.\r\n\r\n173. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.\r\n\r\n174. A \"jiffy\" is the scientific name for 1/100th of a second.\r\n\r\n175. The average child recognizes over 200 company logos by the time he enters first grade.\r\n\r\n176. The youngest pope ever was 11 years old.\r\n\r\n177. The first novel ever written on a typewriter is Tom Sawyer.\r\n\r\n178. One out of every 43 prisoners escapes from jail. 94% are recaptured.\r\n\r\n179. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.\r\n\r\n180. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs melted into it.\r\n\r\n181. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.\r\n\r\n182. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.\r\n\r\n183. Elwood Edwards did the voice for the AOL sound files (i.e. \"You've got Mail!\"). He is heard about 27 million times a day. The recordings were done before Quantum changed its name to AOL and the program was known as \"Q-Link.\"\r\n\r\n184. A polar bears skin is black. Its fur is actually clear, but like snow it appears white.\r\n\r\n185. Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis middle name was spelled Aron, in honor of his brother.\r\n\r\n186. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.\r\n\r\n187. Donkeys kill more people than plane crashes.\r\n\r\n188. Shakespeare invented the words \"assassination\" and \"bump.\"\r\n\r\n189. There are a million ants for every person on Earth.\r\n\r\n190. If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.\r\n\r\n191. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.\r\n\r\n192. The name Jeep comes from \"GP\", the army abbreviation for General Purpose.\r\n\r\n193. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.\r\n\r\n194. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.\r\n\r\n195. Cats' urine glows under a black light.\r\n\r\n196. A \"quidnunc\" is a person who is eager to know the latest news and gossip.\r\n\r\n197. The first US Patent was for manufacturing potassium carbonate (used in glass and gunpowder). It was issued to Samuel Hopkins on July 31, 1970.\r\n\r\n198. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors, the helicopter, and many other present day items.\r\n\r\n199. In the last 4000 years no new animals have been domesticated.\r\n\r\n200. 25% of a human's bones are in its feet.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15988,
"title": "Useless Facts #4 (srry If There are Dupes)"
},
{
"body": "This is a very long line that goes on and on and just when you think it is over it starts again going on and on but you know it cannot keep on forever until it starts repeating itself about being a very long line that goes on\r\nand on and just when you think it is over it starts repeating itself about not keeping going on and on forever but you know it was a very long line.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 15991,
"title": "This is a Very Long Line That..."
},
{
"body": "201. David Sarnoff received the Titanic's distress signal and saved hundreds of passengers. He later became the head of the first radio network, the National Broadcasting Company (NBC).\r\n\r\n202. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.\r\n\r\n203. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than every Nike factory worker in Malaysia combined.\r\n\r\n204. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers (they saw it as competition).\r\n\r\n205. \"Canada\" is an Indian word meaning \"Big Village\".\r\n\r\n206. Only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.\r\n\r\n207. If you yelled for 8 years 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.\r\n\r\n208. Rape is reported every six minutes in the U.S.\r\n\r\n209. The human heart creates enough pressure in the bloodstream to squirt blood 30 feet.\r\n\r\n210. A jellyfish is 95% water.\r\n\r\n211. Truck driving is the most dangerous occupation by accidental deaths (799 in 2001).\r\n\r\n212. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.\r\n\r\n213. Elephants only sleep for two hours each day.\r\n\r\n214. On average people fear spiders more than they do death.\r\n\r\n215. The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. (the heart is not a muscle)\r\n\r\n216. In golf, a 'Bo Derek' is a score of 10.\r\n\r\n217. In the U.S, Frisbees outsell footballs, baseballs and basketballs combined.\r\n\r\n218. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.\r\n\r\n219. If you plant an apple seed, it is almost guaranteed to grow a tree of a different type of apple.\r\n\r\n220. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.\r\n\r\n221. The only real person to be a PEZ head was Betsy Ross.\r\n\r\n222. There are about 450 types of cheese in the world; 240 come from France.\r\n\r\n223. When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers plays football at home the stadium becomes Nebraska's third largest city.\r\n\r\n224. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's \"It's a Wonderful Life\".\r\n\r\n225. A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.\r\n\r\n226. In Iceland, a Big Mac costs $5.50.\r\n\r\n227. Broccoli and cauliflower are the only vegetables that are flowers.\r\n\r\n228. Newborn babies have about 350 bones. They gradually merge and disappear until there are about 206 by age 5.\r\n\r\n229. There is no solid proof of who built the Taj Mahal.\r\n\r\n230. In a survey of 200000 ostriches over 80 years, not one tried to bury its head in the sand.\r\n\r\n231. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A quarter has 119.\r\n\r\n232. On an American one-dollar bill there is a tiny owl in the upper-left-hand corner of the upper-right-hand \"1\u00e2\u0080\u00b3 and a spider hidden in the front upper-right-hand corner.\r\n\r\n233. Judy Scheindlin (\"Judge Judy\") has a $25,000,000 salary, while Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg has a $190,100 salary.\r\n\r\n234. The name for Oz in the Wizard of Oz was thought up when the creator Frank Baum looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N and O-Z.\r\n\r\n235. Andorra, a tiny country on the border between France and Spain, has the longest average lifespan: 83.49 years.\r\n\r\n236. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.\r\n\r\n237. Mr. Rogers was an ordained Presbyterian minister.\r\n\r\n238. In America you will see an average of 500 advertisements a day.\r\n\r\n239. John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.\r\n\r\n240. You can lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.\r\n\r\n241. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.\r\n\r\n242. \"The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick\" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in English.\r\n\r\n243. There are 336 dimples on a regulation US golf ball. In the UK its 330.\r\n\r\n244. The Toltecs (a 7th century tribe) used wooden swords so they wouldn't kill their enemies.\r\n\r\n245. \"Duff\" is the decaying organic matter found on a forest floor.\r\n\r\n246. The US has more personal computers than the next 7 countries combined.\r\n\r\n247. There have been over 600 lawsuits against Alexander Grahm Bell over rights to the patent of the telephone, the most valuable patent in U.S. history.\r\n\r\n248. Kuwait is about 60% male (highest in the world). Latvia is about 54% female (highest in the world).\r\n\r\n249. The Hawaiian alphabet has only 12 letters.\r\n\r\n250. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15993,
"title": "Useless Facts #5"
},
{
"body": "I. Why does a man wants to have a WIFE?\r\n\r\n Because: W = Washing I = Ironing F = Food E = Entertainment.\r\n\r\n Why does a woman wants to have a HUSBAND?\r\n\r\n Because: H = Housing U = Understanding S = Sharing B = Buying A = and N = Never D = Demanding.\r\n\r\n\r\n II. HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:\r\n\r\n Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.\r\n\r\n HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:\r\n\r\n Show up naked. Bring Beer.\r\n\r\n III. How To Impress A Man:\r\n\r\n Trust him, cook at least 3 meals a day, go shopping often, don't ask him for the money, smile when you are mad, give him your paychecks, talk softly, don't ask where he is on Friday/Saturday/Sunday, love him, always say 'Yes dear', believe in his gambling, iron his clothes, polish his shoes, clean the house, know many recipes, pretend you enjoy beer/wine, be independent, wear Victoria's Secret clothes\r\n\r\n How To Impress A Women\r\n\r\n Make money & give her the money!\r\n\r\n IV. Women's English...\r\n\r\n Yes = No.\r\n\r\n No = Yes.\r\n\r\n Maybe = No.\r\n\r\n I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.\r\n\r\n We need = I want.\r\n\r\n It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.\r\n\r\n We need to talk = I need to complain.\r\n\r\n Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.\r\n\r\n I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!\r\n\r\n You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?\r\n\r\n Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.\r\n\r\n This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.\r\n\r\n I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...\r\n\r\n Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!\r\n\r\n I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.\r\n\r\n Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.\r\n\r\n How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.\r\n\r\n I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.\r\n\r\n You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.\r\n\r\n Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead!\r\n\r\n Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.\r\n\r\n I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important.\r\n\r\n Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.\r\n\r\n Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 15994,
"title": "Men and Women"
},
{
"body": "A young air force officer had a very beautiful wife. Early each morning he left his house and went to the airport, and an hour later his wife always left the house too, with a big white towel, and went for a walk on the beach.\r\n\r\nHer husband always flew over every morning, and when she saw his aeroplane, she held the white towel high above her head. When her husband saw it, he made either the left wing or the right wing of his aeroplane go down. The left wing meant, 'I will be busy tonight and won't be home,' the right wing meant, 'In eight hours I will be holding you in my arms.'\r\n\r\nOne morning he flew over with eight other aeroplanes, and his left wing went down. Before his wife had time to feel sad about this, all the other aeroplanes flew over, and each one of them turned its right wing down.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15997,
"title": "Holding You"
},
{
"body": "3 ladies were on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that there was a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into the sea.\r\n\r\nA Chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to doll herself up.\r\n\r\nA Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions. The Chinese lady replied that if she looked beautiful, the guys coming to rescue survivors would usually save the pretty ladies first. On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her jewellery.\r\n\r\nAn Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and questioned her. The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.\r\n\r\nThe Indian woman then started taking her clothes off. Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her. The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors.\r\n\r\nThey usually look for the \"Black Box\" first!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 15998,
"title": "Black Box"
},
{
"body": "The running water in Singapore can be drunk directly. So when I get thirsty, I go to the toilet and drink. But how to make a bowl of instant noodle? A girl thinks:\r\n\"Since the running water can be drunk directly, the water from electric bathing machine also can!\"\r\nSo she use the water from bathing machine to make instant noodle.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16001,
"title": "Water in Singapore"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between man and life?\r\n\r\nLife is always hard.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16004,
"title": "What's the Difference"
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.\r\n\r\nWhen they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk that although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.\r\n\r\nThe Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. \"But we didn't use them\", the man complains.\r\n\r\n\"Well, they are here, and you could have,\" explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. \"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,\" the Manager says.\r\n\r\n\"But we didn't go to any of those shows,\" complains the man again.\r\n\r\n\"Well, we have them, and you could have,\" the Manager replies.\r\n\r\nNo matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, \"But we didn't use it!\"\r\n\r\nThe Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.\r\n\r\n\"But sir,\" he says, \"this check is only made out for $100.\"\r\n\r\n\"That's right,\" says the man. \"I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.\"\r\n\r\n\"But I didn't!\" exclaims the Manager.\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" the man replies, \"she was here, and you could have.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16006,
"title": "Husband and Wife"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: The weather here is too bad. The winter is too cold, and the summer is too hot. Fortunately, I have an air condition in my room. Oh, do you have air condition in your dorm?\r\nStudents: (laughing) No way.\r\nTeacher: At least you can use a fan, can't you?\r\nStudents: (upset) No way! The electricity is cut off at 11 o'clock.\r\nTeacher: (puzzled) No air condition, no fan, six people in such a small room, and the weather is so hot, how can you sleep?\r\nStudents: We don't sleep.\r\nTeacher: (surprised) Oh, if you don't sleep, how can you study?\r\nStudents: We don't study, either.\r\nTeacher: ...",
"category": "College",
"id": 16007,
"title": "Oral English Lesson"
},
{
"body": "It was late in the evening and I was studying in the university library's reading room. It was in the middle of final exams, so the library was a hectic place with students milling around everywhere. I was sitting at my desk with my pile of books and felt the need for a nap before I continued with my work. I wasn't asleep long before I was awakened by laughter. To my surprise, everyone who was laughing was also looking at me. I looked around the room, silently pleading for answers, when someone next to me leaned over and whispered, \"You were farting in your sleep.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 16011,
"title": "Stress Relief"
},
{
"body": "I had been seeing David for a couple of months; he and I both had children from previous marriages. My daughter Amanda has a slight learning disability and is very outspoken. She just tells it like it is and if you don't like it ... oh well. We were all at David's house, sitting on the porch, talking about all the weird things our children do. Not to be outdone, Amanda says, \"Oh, you say *we* are weird? Well, Mom, who chased me around the house the other night with her teeth out?\" See, I had planned to tell David that I had false teeth, but I hadn't gotten around to it yet. After I turned 40 shades of red, he looked at me and smiled. \"Don't worry,\" he said, \"I still love you.\" Still, I felt really bad because he'd said the first thing he noticed about me was my beautiful smile!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16012,
"title": "Smile"
},
{
"body": "A gentleman came into work one day and he and I felt one of those instant and mutual attractions to one another. He gave me his card and told me to call him. Well, it just so happened that his card had his home address on it, so I thought I would just check out his place to scope out the merchandise, so to speak. Driving down his street, I slowed down to a near-crawl and hung my head out the window, looking for his house number. The house number proved to be irrelevant, though, when I looked up and saw him standing on his porch, waving at me! There I was with my head hanging out and my mouth wide open, looking like some kind of stalker! Needless to say, I did not wave back to him (I floored the gas pedal instead!) and I never called him. What would I have said?!?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16013,
"title": "Stalk"
},
{
"body": "When my oldest child was about three years old, we took a trip to a local fast food restaurant. I wearing my new favorite article of clothing: a pair of bright pink, elastic waist pants that I'd bought the day before. Although they were a little big on me, I instantly fell I love with them and just had to buy them. So there we were in a popular restaurant with me in my pretty pink pants and my son clinging firmly to his mommy's leg while we looked for a place to sit. It seems that grace does not run in our family, because before we were able to sit down, my son tripped and fell, taking my new pants with him! I could hear the laughter simmering as I stood there bare bottomed, with my hands full and nowhere to set down my tray. Finally, a girl from behind the counter came to the rescue and took the tray out of my hands so that I could re-pants myself. The pink pants were donated to goodwill the next day with a note attached, reading: \"Warning! Do not attempt to wear these in the presence of small children. To do so may cause great embarrassment!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16014,
"title": "Favorite Pants"
},
{
"body": "A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.\r\n\r\nHe picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, \"What's this?\"\r\n\r\nShe says, \"Oh, that. My father's ashes are in there...\"\r\n\r\nHe turns beet red in embarrassment for having brought up such a tender subject and says, \"Geez, oh, er...I...\"\r\n\r\nShe says, \"Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16017,
"title": "Tense Moments"
},
{
"body": "A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session.\r\n\r\nThe rabbi asks if they have any final questions.\r\n\r\nThe man asks, \"Is it true that men and women don't dance together?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" says the rabbi, \"For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately.\"\r\n\r\n\"So I can't dance with my own wife?\"\r\n\r\n\"No.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, okay,\" says the man, \"but what about sex?\"\r\n\r\n\"Fine,\" says the rabbi. \"A mitzvah within the marriage!\"\r\n\r\n\"What about different positions?\" the man asks.\r\n\r\n\"No problem,\" says the rabbi.\r\n\r\n\"Woman on top?\" the man asks.\r\n\r\n\"Why not?\" replies the rabbi.\r\n\r\n\"How about doggie-style?\"\r\n\r\n\"Of course!\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, what about standing up?\"\r\n\r\n\"NO!\" says the rabbi, \"It could lead to dancing!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 16024,
"title": "Do Ya Wanna Dance?"
},
{
"body": "An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, \"Operator, giff me beck the party!\"\r\n\r\nShe says, \"I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again.\"\r\n\r\nHe says, \"What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party.\"\r\n\r\nShe says, \"I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again.\"\r\n\r\nHe says, \"Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it you-know-vere!\" And he hangs up.\r\n\r\nTwo days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, \"We've come to take your telephone out.\"\r\n\r\nHe says, \"Vy?\"\r\n\r\nThey say, \"Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago, but if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here.\"\r\n\r\nHe says, \"Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?\" He goes to the telephone and dials. \"Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it you-know-vere?\"\r\n\r\nShe says, \"Yes?\"\r\n\r\nHe says, \"Vell, get ready - dey're bringin' it to ya!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16027,
"title": "Without Warning"
},
{
"body": "* Perfume saleslady to customer: \"Just a word of advice. Don't put this stuff on if you're not really serious about the guy.\"\r\n\r\n* Contrary to popular belief, used-car salesmen are fairly honest with their customers. It's usually a condition of their parole.\r\n\r\n* A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.\r\n\r\n* Only a salesman can make a customer think he is really absorbed by a customer's needs and at the same time calculate how much of a commission he can make out of the deal.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16029,
"title": "Reputations Deserved?"
},
{
"body": "A woman called an auto parts store and asked for a 28-ounce water pump. \r\n\r\n\"What?\" asked the confused parts guy. \r\nShe said, \"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump.\" \r\n\r\n\"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?\" asked the parts guy. \r\n\r\n\"A Datsun,\" replied the woman. \r\n\r\nAs the parts guy wrote down her request, a light went on in his head. \r\n\r\n\"Oh, yes, ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps,\" he said. \"We also have 24-ounce and 26-ounce pumps.\" \"Finally,\" she said. \"You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about.\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes ma'am,\" said parts guy, smiling, as he jotted down \"Datsun 280Z water pump...\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 16031,
"title": "28 Oz."
},
{
"body": "Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.\r\n\r\nI'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.\r\n\r\nWell, bring me the winner then.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 16033,
"title": "Waiter 1"
},
{
"body": "Waiter, this plate is wet.\r\n\r\nThat's your soup, sir.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 16034,
"title": "Waiter 2"
},
{
"body": "Look here, waiter! How long must I wait for that half-duck I ordered?\r\n\r\nUntil somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 16035,
"title": "Waiter 3"
},
{
"body": "Customer: I see you have gravy on your menu today.\r\n Waiter: Yes, sir. What would you like to have?\r\nCustomer: A clean menu!",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 16036,
"title": "Waiter 4"
},
{
"body": "Mother: Did you eat all the cookies. Tom?\r\n Tom: I didn't touch one.\r\nMother: That's strange. There's only one left.\r\n Tom: That's the one I didn't touch.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16038,
"title": "Eat the Cookies"
},
{
"body": "Wife: One more word, and I will go back to my mother!\r\n\r\nHusband: Taxi!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16039,
"title": "One More Word"
},
{
"body": "My 12-year-old sister was filling out an application form for a foreign language course. Suddenly she stopped, a small frown on her forehead. A moment later, she wrote something down. Glancing over her shoulder, I saw that the question she had paused at was: \"Mother tongue.\" On the blank space beside it she had written, \"Pink.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16041,
"title": "Mother Tongue"
},
{
"body": "Is zero a 1-digit number or a 0-digit number, or neither? \r\n\r\nYou may think that 0 is a 1-digit number. However, this will make 00 a 2-digit number, 000 a 3-digit number, and so on. Leading zeros do not count towards the digits, and 0 itself is a leading zero.\r\n\r\nIf you think that 0 is a 0-digit number, you're still wrong. 100 is a 3-digit number, 10 is a 2-digit number, 1 is a 1-digit number, and therefore, .1 is a 0-digit number, .01 is a -1-digit number, and so on. Therefore, the number of digits of a real number x is 1+int(lgx). Since lg0 is meaningless, the number of digits of 0 can't be defined.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16042,
"title": "Digits of Zero"
},
{
"body": "What does this represent?\r\n\r\nWRIST WRIST \r\n\r\nTourists! (two wrists)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16043,
"title": "WRIST WRIST"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nDOG\r\nTHE \r\n\r\nThe underdog!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16046,
"title": "DOG THE"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nSMOKE\r\n G \r\n\r\nGo up in smoke!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16048,
"title": "SMOKE G"
},
{
"body": "Can You Decipher This Phrase?\r\n\r\nH\r\nI\r\nL\r\nL \r\n\r\nDownhill!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16049,
"title": "HILL"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nTTTTTTTTTT \r\n\r\nTent.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16050,
"title": "TTTTTTTTTT"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nLINE\r\n = \r\n\r\nEnd of the Line!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16051,
"title": "LINE"
},
{
"body": "man having problems with premature ejaculation, went to the doctor to see what to do about it.doctor said try startling your self if you feel the urge to ejaculate.on the way home he buys a starter pistol. the guy excited to try the new idea, went home and was suprised to find his wife in the bed.after few minutes of fore play they were in the 69 position he was going to ejaculate so he fires the gun. his wife shits on his face bites 3 inchs off his dick and he still ejaculates prematurly.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16057,
"title": "He Suffers From Premature Ejaculation"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama so short that you can see her feet on the driver license.\r\nYo mama so ugly that when she was born the doctor slap her parents.\r\nYo mama so dumb that she sat on the tv and watches her wheelchair.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16058,
"title": "Yo Mama"
},
{
"body": "The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them.\r\nThe parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic bombers. Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably impressed.\r\n\r\nThen he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last artillery pieces.\r\n\r\n\"Who are they?\" he asked.\r\n\"Ah,\" said Yeltsin, \"those are our economists!\"\r\n\r\n\"But I thought this parade was military...\" said Clinton, confused.\r\n\"Mr. Clinton,\" said Gorbachev, \"have you SEEN the damage those men can do?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16059,
"title": "May Day Parade"
},
{
"body": "Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: \"Mick! I lost my finger!\"\r\n \"Have you now?\" says Mick. \"And how did you do it?\"\r\n \"I just touched this big spinning thing here like this...Damn! There goes another one!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16062,
"title": "Pat and Mick"
},
{
"body": "There was a mad scientist (a mad ...social... scientist) who kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water - but no can opener.\r\n\r\nA month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped.\r\n\r\nThe physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.\r\n\r\nThe mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:\r\n\r\n Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.\r\n\r\n Proof: assume the opposite...",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16064,
"title": "Mad Scientist"
},
{
"body": "President Clinton had heard of all the starving people in Somalia, and wanted to get a look for himself. He ordered his aides to prepare Air Force One.\r\n\r\nOn the plane, the president looked down with his binoculars, and said \"My God! Look at them! Skinny, starving - where are our troops?\"\r\n\r\nAn aide chimed in: \"Er, Mr. President... that's not Somalia. It's Arkansas.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16066,
"title": "President Clinton"
},
{
"body": "Bill Clinton dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St.Peter asks him who he is and what he did. Bill replies, \"I am Bill Clinton, and I was president of the United States!\" St. Peter says, \"Ok, I will take you to meet the Lord.\" So they go to meet the Lord, who says \"Who are you and what have you done?\" Clinton replies, \"I am Bill Clinton and I was president of the U.S.A.!\" The Lord then says, \"Come Bill, sit on my right hand.\" Clinton then sits down to the right of the Lord, extremely happy.\r\n\r\nAl Gore then dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St. Peter asks him who he is and what he did. Al replies much the same as Bill did, stating that he is Al Gore and was Vice-president of the US. St. Peter then takes him to meet the Lord, who offers Al the seat on his left side. Al accepts, and like Clinton, is ecstatic.\r\n\r\nAfter a while, Hillary dies and gets to the gates. St. Peter asks who she is and what she did, to which she replies, \"Hillary Rodham Clinton, wife of the president of the US.\" Peter then takes her in to meet the Lord who repeats the question, \"Who are you and what have you done?\" Hillary replies, \"I am Hillary Rodham Clinton, and you are in my seat!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16067,
"title": "Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Hillary"
},
{
"body": "yo mama so hairy and fat, that when she went to a museum they yelled \"the mammoth's alive!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16069,
"title": "Yo Mama"
},
{
"body": "yo mama and daddy r so fat, half the world went to ur mom, the other to ur dad.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16070,
"title": "Yo Mama and Dady"
},
{
"body": "wat do u call a female dog?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16071,
"title": "Wat U Call?"
},
{
"body": "did u have a pussy around ur head?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16072,
"title": "Did U?"
},
{
"body": "I would like to take this opportunity to announce that I am the proud father of an 8 pound 7 ounce baby boy.\r\n\r\nBoy, is my wife gonna be mad when she finds out!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16074,
"title": "Mad Wife"
},
{
"body": "Seen on a bumper sticker:\r\n\"IF CLINTON IS THE ANSWER, THEN IT MUST BE A STUPID QUESTION.\"\r\n\r\nSeen on another bumper sticker:\r\n\"CLINTON HAPPENS.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16075,
"title": "Bumper Sticker"
},
{
"body": "If a couple in Arkansas get married, move to Washington, then move back to Arkansas, are they still brother and sister?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16077,
"title": "A Couple in Arkansas"
},
{
"body": "Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.\r\n\"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that,\" Hillary says. The waiter nods. \"And the vegetable?\" he asks.\r\n\"Oh, He'll have a cheeseburger,\" Hillary replies.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16078,
"title": "Bill and Hillary"
},
{
"body": "One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He was very furious and said, \"Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!\" Yes Sir, Mr. President,\" the interior decorator replies. \"I'll have those mirrors removed right away!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16082,
"title": "White House Interior Decorator"
},
{
"body": "The teacher asks his students to spell the word \"before\".\r\n\r\nThe first kid tries: \"B-E-F-O-H-R.\" \"No\", says the teacher, \"that's wrong!\" \r\n\r\nAnother kid: \"B-E-E-F-O-R.\" \"No, no,\" says the teacher. \"Anybody else?\" \r\n\r\nA little boy raises his hand: \"B-E-F-O-R-E!\" \"Now, that's right!\" beams the teacher. \r\n\r\n\"Now, Washington, use this word 'before' in a sentence!\" and the boy goes: \"Two plus two BE FOUR!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16084,
"title": "Before"
},
{
"body": "Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.\r\n\r\nThe first kid said, \"My dad is so scared that, when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, yeah? That's nothing,\" said the second kid. \"My dad is so scared that, when my mom has to work the night shift, he goes next door to sleep with Mrs. Jones!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16086,
"title": "Scaredy-Cat"
},
{
"body": "Dogs...\r\n...steal your food.\r\n...eat all of your tennis balls.\r\n...make you pick up their waste products.\r\n...take all of your covers.\r\n...eat out of the trash.\r\n...beg.\r\n...bark loudly at 1:00 in the morning.\r\n...drink out of the toilet, while it still has poo in it.\r\n...have accidents, on your floor.\r\n\r\nAnd you call you dog your BEST friend,\r\nI can't imagine what your other friends do.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16087,
"title": "Dogs"
},
{
"body": "A Welshman, walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hands.\r\n\r\nHe shouts, \"Paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachi yn y dwr!\" (Don't drink the water, there's cow shit in it!)\r\n\r\nThe man shouts back, \"I'm English, I don't understand you!\"\r\n\r\nThe Welshman calls back, \"Use both hands, you'll get more in!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16088,
"title": "The Local Water"
},
{
"body": "Racing through the snow a onewarde southern sleigh,\r\nall the way we go bahing through the trees,\r\nthe snow is turning red,\r\nI think i'm almost dead,\r\nall the children laugh and play around my stupid head!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16089,
"title": "Christmas Carol"
},
{
"body": "ALWAYS must WIN.\r\nBORROW but never RETURN.\r\nCHEAP is GOOD.\r\nDON'T TRUST anyone.\r\nEVERYTHING also must GRAB.\r\nFREE! FREE! FREE!!!\r\nGRAB first TALK later.\r\nHELP yourself to EVERYTHING.\r\ni FIRST, i WANT, i EVERTHING.\r\nJUMP queue.\r\nKEEP coming back for MORE.\r\nLOOK for DISCOUNTS.\r\nMUST not lose FACE.\r\nNEVER mind what they THINK.\r\nOUTDO everyone you know!\r\nPAY only when NECESSARY.\r\nQUIT while you're ahead.\r\nRUSHING and PUSHING wins the RACE.\r\nSAMPLES are always WELCOME.\r\nTAKE but don't GIVE.\r\nUNLESS it's FREE, FORGET it.\r\nVOW to be NUMBER ONE.\r\nWINNERS takes it ALL! ALL!! ALL!!!\r\nX'TRA = MORE\r\nYELL if necessary to GET what you WANT!\r\nZEBRAS are KIASU before they want to be BLACK AND WHITE at the same time.\r\n\r\nAre one of these characters reflect us?\r\n\r\n***************************************************************************\r\n\r\nKIASU - DEFINITION:\r\nSomeone who always has to be ahead of others in anything and everything that he/she does, a sucker for freebees, a die hard bargain hunter.\r\n\r\nKIASEE ( PA SI in Mandrin) - DEFINITION:\r\nSomeone who is afraid of anything and everything, a coward, a pessimist and hypochondriac all rolled into one.\r\n\r\nYAU QWEE ( REN SE in Mandrin) - DEFINITION:\r\nA glutton, a greedy person, always thinking about food, food and more food. Someone who eats anything and everything.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16091,
"title": "A TO Z OF MR KIASU'S PHILOSOPHY"
},
{
"body": "Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.\r\nHe passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. \"He's not my husband,\" she says.\r\nHe passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. \"He's not my husband either.\"\r\nShe says, also not recognizing the unit.\r\nHe passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.\r\n\"Wait a minute,\" she says. \"He's not even a member of this club.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16096,
"title": "Three Women"
},
{
"body": "Is One Foot Enough???\r\nA girl in the U.S. lived very far away from her mother. One day, the girl became engaged but discovered her fiance had only one foot. \r\nThe girl, surprised sent her mother a letter asking for advice. The letter began, \"Mother, my husband has only one foot...\"\r\nThe mother upon receiving the letter was confused on why that was a problem. She immediately wrote back to her daughter saying, \"Dear, one foot is enough. your father has only 7 inches!!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16099,
"title": "Is One Foot Enough?"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, there was a man holding a magical lamp, he went to a bar where he then got a drink. The bartender sees him and asks him to chat, the man says,\"I have a magical lamp rite here!\" \r\n\r\nThe bartender says,\" Wow, does this mean I can wish for a million bucks.\"\r\n\r\nThe man goes, \"Yes!\"\r\n\r\nBartender goes:\" I wish for a million bucks!\"\r\n\r\nPOOF!\r\n\r\nThe air is filled with 1 million ducks. \r\n\r\nThe bartender outraged says,\" Hey you cheated me!\"\r\n\r\nThe man goes, \"Hey it ain't that easy!\"\r\n\r\n*Sorry, Did my best",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16104,
"title": "Magical Lamp"
},
{
"body": "* Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pay with two $16 bills.\r\n\r\n* The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on\r\nnuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.\r\n\r\n* A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St.\r\nLouis. By the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen\r\npedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of\r\nwhiplash injuries and back pain.\r\n\r\n* A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C. A few days\r\nlater he went with his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch he went out for a sandwich. His girlfriend needed him, so she had him paged by the bailiff. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him when he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.\r\n\r\n* When two service stations in Ionia, Michigan, refused to\r\nhand over cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16107,
"title": "ACTUAL NEWS ITEMS"
},
{
"body": "#include <nonsense.h>\r\n#include <lies.h>\r\n#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */\r\n#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */\r\n\r\n#define say(x) lie(x)\r\n#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE\r\n#define next_year soon\r\n#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version\r\n\r\nvoid main()\r\n{\r\n if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)\r\n {\r\n if (there_are_still_bugs)\r\n market(bugfix);\r\n if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)\r\n raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);\r\n }\r\n while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)\r\n {\r\n make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in\r\n lie.h */\r\n if (rumours_grow_wilder)\r\n make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);\r\n if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)\r\n {\r\n market_time=ripe;\r\n say(\"It will be ready in one month);\r\n order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);\r\n order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);\r\n order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);\r\n vapourware=TRUE;\r\n break;\r\n }\r\n }\r\n switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)\r\n {\r\n case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:\r\n say(\"It will be ready in\", today+30_days,\" we're just testing\");\r\n break;\r\n case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:\r\n say(\"Yes it will work\");\r\n ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);\r\n pretend(there_is_no_problem);\r\n break;\r\n case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:\r\n say(\"It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to\"\r\n \" the 32 bits architecture\");\r\n inform(INTEL, \"Pentium sales will rise skyhigh\");\r\n inform(SAMSUNG, \"Start a new memorychip plant\"\r\n \"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs\");\r\n inform(QUANTUM, \"Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple\");\r\n get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);\r\n break;\r\n case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:\r\n say(\"Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for\r\n everyone\");\r\n register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);\r\n when(time_is_ripe)\r\n {\r\n arrest(journalist);\r\n brainwash(journalist);\r\n when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)\r\n {\r\n order(journalist, \"write a nice objective article\");\r\n release (journalist);\r\n }\r\n }\r\n break;\r\n }\r\n while (vapourware)\r\n {\r\n introduction_date++; /* Delay */\r\n if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)\r\n break;\r\n say(\"It will be ready in\",today+ONE_MONTH);\r\n }\r\n release(beta_version)\r\n while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)\r\n {\r\n bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;\r\n release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);\r\n introduce(more_memory_requirements);\r\n if (customers_report_installation_problems)\r\n {\r\n say(\"that is a hardware problem, not a software problem\");\r\n if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)\r\n {\r\n ignore(customer);\r\n order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, \"Keep an eye on this\r\n bastard\");\r\n }\r\n }\r\n if (there_is_another_company)\r\n {\r\n steal(their_ideas);\r\n accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);\r\n hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */\r\n wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);\r\n buy_out(other_company);\r\n }\r\n }\r\n /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at\r\n us */\r\n order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);\r\n buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);\r\n laugh_at(everyone,\r\nfor_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);\r\n}\r\n\r\n\r\nvoid bugfix(void)\r\n{\r\n charge (a_lot_of_money)\r\n if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)\r\n say(\"It is not a bugfix but a new version\");\r\n if (still_complaints)\r\n {\r\n ignore(customer);\r\n register(customer, big_Bill_book);\r\n /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/\r\n }\r\n}",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16108,
"title": "Top Secret Microsoft Code"
},
{
"body": "A blonde named Megan decides to go out for a ride in her new convertible. While she's out driving she sees her best friend Christina, another blonde. She has a sign that reads \"Vegas or Bust.\" \"Why are you leaving?\" asked Megan. \"Some guy came up to me and told me to get out of town.\" \"Come with me. We'll go find the guy that said this and find out what's up.\" Christina got in the car and they drove until Christina said she saw the guy who told her to leave town.\r\nAs they approached him, he looked at Christina and said, \"I remember you.\" She cowered behind Megan. \"You forgot your flier.\" He handed her a flier that read \"Get Outta Town! To Sunny Beach Resorts California!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16110,
"title": "\"Get Outta Town!!!!!!!!!!!\""
},
{
"body": "A stockbroker is beginning his jail sentence for fraud, and meets his cell-mate for next seven years.\r\n\r\nHe stares in shock at the weirdo next to him, when the psycopath says, \"Don't worry, I'm in here for a white-collar crime as well.\"\r\n\r\nThe stockbroker is very relieved, and asks what crime the man had committed.\r\n\r\nThe wild-haired, unkempt freak replies, \"I killed a priest!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16111,
"title": "ABH - Anywhere But Here!"
},
{
"body": "Velcro - what a rip-off!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16112,
"title": "Velcro"
},
{
"body": "Subject: Students' rights during examinations\r\n\r\nHere is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:\r\n\r\n Proctor: I beg your pardon?\r\n\r\n Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.\r\n\r\n Proctor: Sorry, no.\r\n\r\n Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.\r\n\r\nAt this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):\r\n\r\n\"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale\".\r\n\r\nPepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.\r\n\r\nThree weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.",
"category": "College",
"id": 16114,
"title": "A True Story"
},
{
"body": "Getting married is very much like going to a continental\r\nrestaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.\r\n\r\nA little boy asked his father, \"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?\" And the father replied, \"I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.\"\r\n\r\nYoung Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of\r\nAfrica a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?\r\nDad: That happens in most countries, son.\r\n\r\nThen there was a man who said, \"I never knew what real\r\nhappiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.\r\n\r\nA happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband\r\ngives and the wife takes.\r\n\r\nWhen a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a\r\nten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16115,
"title": "What the Hell is Marriage ?!#$*"
},
{
"body": "In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.\r\n\r\n\"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years,\" said Gates. \"The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people.\"\r\n\r\nThrough the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, \"we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time\" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. \"You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution - even reduce your time in Purgatory - all without leaving your home.\"\r\n\r\nA new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.\r\n\r\nAn estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello - in character as Father Guido Sarducci - hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.\r\n\r\nPope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, \"Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats,\" the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.\r\n\r\nThe deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci, but critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.\r\n\r\n\"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures,\" said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. \"You take the parting of the Red Sea - we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.\"\r\n\r\nBut others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. \"The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger market. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.\r\n\r\nHistorically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were installed with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach \"the four corners of the earth,\" echoing MICROSOFT's vision of \"a computer on every desktop and in every home\".\r\n\r\nGates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired - \"One religion, a couple of different implementations,\" said Gates.\r\n\r\nThe MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16116,
"title": "VATICAN CITY (AP)"
},
{
"body": "There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.\r\n\r\n\"Not you again,\" I said.\r\n\r\n\"Sorry,\" he said, a little sheepishly. \"I guess you know why I'm here.\"\r\n\r\nIndeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.\r\n\r\n\"No,\" I said.\r\n\r\n\"You know I can't take that,\" he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. \"Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask.\"\r\n\r\n\"Not interested.\" I said. \"Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, no,\" The Microsoft man said. \"You're the only one.\"\r\n\r\n\"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer,\" I said. \"Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95.\"\r\n\r\nThe Microsoft man look perplexed. \"I'm missing your point,\" he said.\r\n\r\n\"Use!\" I screamed. \"Use! Use! Use! Why buy it, if you can't useit?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about,\" the Microsoft man said. \"All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy.\"\r\n\r\n\"People without computers?\"\r\n\r\n\"Got 'em.\"\r\n\r\n\"Amazonian Indians?\"\r\n\r\n\"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes.\"\r\n\r\n\"The Amish?\"\r\n\r\n\"Check.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, come on,\" I said. \"They don't even wear buttons. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?\"\r\n\r\n\"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box,\" the Microsoft man admitted. \"We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft.\" He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. \"But that's not the point!\" he said. \"The point is, everyone has a copy. Except you.\"\r\n\r\n\"So what?\" I said. \"If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?\"\r\n\r\n\"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely.\"\r\n\r\n\"No.\"\r\n\r\n\"Jeez, back to that again,\" the Microsoft man said. \"Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll give you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer.\" He waved the box in front of me.\r\n\r\n\"No,\" I said again. \"No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something.\"\r\n\r\n\"It did.\"\r\n\r\n\"Pardon?\"\r\n\r\n\"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, bang, end to strife and hunger. Simple.\"\r\n\r\n\"So what happened?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, you know,\" he said defensively, \"it took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace.\"\r\n\r\n\"Go away,\" I said.\r\n\r\n\"I can't,\" he said. \"I'll be killed if I fail.\"\r\n\r\n\"You have got to be kidding,\" I said.\r\n\r\n\"Look,\" the Microsoft man said. \"We sold this to the Amish. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have you holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to Bill.\"\r\n\r\n\"Bill Gates does not care about me,\" I said.\r\n\r\n\"He's watching right now,\" the Microsoft man said. \"Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash.\"\r\n\r\n\"He wouldn't do that,\" I said, \"He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser,\" the Microsoft man said, nervously.\r\n\"Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?\"\r\n\r\n\"Terrible. There's an active volcano there.\"\r\n\r\n\"It's only a small one,\" the Microsoft man said.\r\n\r\n\"Look,\" I said, \"even if you did convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?\"\r\n\r\nThe Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.\r\n\r\n\"'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?\"\r\n\r\n\"There's a lot of domestic animals out there,\" he said.\r\n\r\nI shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 16117,
"title": "The Last Human"
},
{
"body": "In the beginning, there was nothing but Apple. And the PC was without form and void, and the darkness was on the face of its hard drive. And Bill said, Let there be DOS: And there was DOS. And Bill looked upon it, and it was good, and with it the PC slew the Apple. And DOS grew and grew, until its number was legion if you counted the decimal points, and still it was good.\r\n\r\nAnd Bill grew large with ambition, and he decreed there should be a processor of words; and lo, there was Word. And Bill sayeth, Let there be a thingy for the crunching of numbers, and lo, there was Excel, and did his kingdom grow apace.\r\n\r\nBut there had arisen in the land the thing called Macintosh, sprung from the intransigent Apple-men, and Bill looked upon it, and it was better.\r\n\r\nRapidly did he decree that Word should be made to run upon it, and after that Excel, and then all the other fruits of his efforts, but still he was wrathful.\r\n\r\nSo Bill did order his minions to come forth with Windows, and when they did, he looked upon it, and it was bad.\r\n\r\nSo he sent them back to try again, assuring all the world they would get it right this time, yet they did not.\r\n\r\nUnrelenting, Bill forced yet a third mighty blow, and when it came forth, Bill did order his trumpets to blow, and his chorus to sing, and his criers to cry, until the din could be heard throughout the land; and when he looked upon this third version of Windows, he saw it was not all that great, but like hotcakes did it sell.\r\n\r\nAnd thus did Bill gloat, for the world proclaimed he had matched the lowly Macintosh, and his praises were sung throughout the land.\r\n\r\nAnd so he ordered another, mightier, more magnificient version made, and his henchmen and henchwomen did labor hard.\r\n\r\nStill it was not forthcoming in the year promised, nor the year promised next, and rumors did abound, and magazines did overflow with secret peeks, and columnists did heap their scorn upon it. And came the minions of the Justice Department, bent upon proving Bill monopolous, yet before his wrath did they quail, and proclaim him innocent, mostly.\r\n\r\nAnd that which was once called Chicago became known as Windows 95, and the suspense built throughout the land, and Bill, remembering what had gone before, set about building a great Hype.\r\n\r\nInto his Hype he put the greatest mouths of the land, and scattered the fruits of his profits so heavily that he bought hosts of angels to sing, and Rolling Stones songs, and trumpets and horns and drums without number. As the time of birthing grew nigh, he purchased television time without end, and appeared thereon himself, and bought entire editions of newspapers to give away unto the faithful, and traveling circuses to visit each great city.\r\n\r\nAnd so when Windows 95 was born did hysteria rule the land, as the choirs sang and the trumpets and horns did blare and the televisions and the newspapers charge their followers to go forth and buy.\r\n\r\nHeeding this, the populace did rush to the marketplace at the stroke of midnight, when even the cock doth sleep, and did push and shove and come even to blows the better to secure their own copies lest they be thought ignorant, or uncool, or hamsters in the eyes of Bill.\r\n\r\nAnd Bill looked upon what he had wrought, and he giggled, and rubbeth his hands together, and even in the moment of his triumph, began to think of Next Time.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16118,
"title": "Thus Spake Gates"
},
{
"body": "In an open interview between our correspondant and world genius and sex machine Bill Gates, the following rather illuminating answers were provided.\r\n\r\nQ: Is it true that Microsoft wants to destroy all other software makers everywhere?\r\nA: Yes. Some think not, because if Apple & IBM quit, Microsoft would have no one to copy from. In fact, if Mac and OS/2 were gone we would never have to update Windows again anyway, and we wouldn't even have to pay for a programming staff to rearrange pirated code.\r\n\r\nQ: Windows machines use the same monitors as everyone else. Why does Windows look so crude and blocky and ugly?\r\nA: Good graphics take a lot of work. Designed with pride, they add greatly to the user experience. How often have you seen garbagemen washing and waxing their truck? On the inside? In January?\r\n\r\nQ: I'm a programmer and I'd like to join Microsoft and help shape the future of personal computing. How do I apply?\r\nA: Send in your resume. Mark the envelope Attention: Unskilled Labor Pool. If you're invited to an interview, remember that any trace of integrity or self respect will disqualify you. Pray loudly to any dollar bills you see, and be prepared to kiss the ass of a small, geeky looking man in glasses at any time.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16119,
"title": "Your Microsoft Questions Answered Here!"
},
{
"body": "Believe it or not, Windows95 is not a virus, as many (millions) have claimed. You want proof? Look no further!\r\n\r\nWhat's the difference between Windows95 and a virus?\r\n\r\nQuality\r\n \r\nReplicates Quickly\r\nVirus: Yes\r\nWindows95: Yes\r\n \r\nUses up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so\r\n Virus: Yes\r\n Windows95: Yes\r\n \r\nOccasional hard disk destruction\r\nVirus: Yes\r\nWindows95: Yes\r\n \r\nUsually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems\r\nVirus: Yes\r\nWindows95:Yes\r\n\r\n Will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware\r\nVirus:Yes\r\nWindows95:Yes\r\n \r\nOccasional meltdown of vital components\r\nVirus:Yes\r\nWindows95:Yes\r\n\r\n\r\nUntil now it seems Windows is a virus, but there are several fundamental differences. \r\nViruses:\r\n\r\n 1.are well supported by their authors\r\n 2.are running on most systems\r\n 3.have fast, compact and efficient source code\r\n 4.become more sophisticated as they mature",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16121,
"title": "As it turns out..."
},
{
"body": "Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandler.\r\n\r\n\"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,\" recalls Gates. \"I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times.\"\r\n\r\nMicrosoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century. \"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works,\" says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. \"Except for the fact that they're stinking rich.\"\r\n\r\nMicrosoft Panhandler will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. (\"This is a little lie,\" admits software engineer Adam Miller, \"since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?\") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The \"No\" button has not yet been implemented.\r\n\r\n\"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,\" Bernard Liu says, \"but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe.\"\r\n\r\nGates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. \"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugger, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar.\" (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)\r\n\r\nBut there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own. \"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift,\" says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. \"I mean, in the future, we don't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money.\" Gates responded with, \"I know you are, but what am I?\" Then general pandemonium ensued.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16122,
"title": "Latest Apps For Windows95"
},
{
"body": "It's the end of the world as we know it...\r\n\r\nand I feel fine...\r\n\r\nBill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad he told the three of them that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though that no matter what they did he was not changing his mind. So...\r\n\r\nBill Clinton went in and told his staff, \"I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news. There is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.\"\r\n\r\nBoris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, \"I have bad news and bad news. The first is there is a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.\"\r\n\r\nBill Gates went back and told his staff.... \"I have good news and good news. Firstly, God thinks I am one of the 3 most important people in the world. The second is, we don't have to fix the bugs in Windows95.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16123,
"title": "It's the End of the World"
},
{
"body": "The Dosfish\r\n\r\nLong ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the writing of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the Pea Sea. But he needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would need for support but few rams.\r\n\r\nSo the Gateskeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft, caused to be fashioned a Dosfish, who was small and spry, and could swim the narrow sixteen-bit channel. But the Dosfish was not bright, and could be taught but few tricks. His alphabet had no A's, B's, or Q's, but a mere 640 K's, and the size of his file cabinet was limited by his own fat.\r\n\r\nAt first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only one who could swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding his line, and complained that he could neither be dragged or dropped. \"Forsooth,\" they cried, \"the Dosfish can do only one job at a time, and of names he knows only eight and three.\" And many of them left the Pea Sea for good, and went off in search of the Magic Apple.\r\n\r\nAlthough many went, far more stayed, because admittance to the Pea Sea was cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic Apple, and rested awile in the Parc of the Xer Ox. And he made a Window that could ride on the Dosfish, and do its thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and it would break when the Dosfish got confused. So most people contented themselves with the Dosfish.\r\n\r\nNow it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the Gateskeeper, and spoke thus: \"Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the Dosfish.\" The Blue Giant seemed like a humbug, so they called the new creature Oz II.\r\n\r\nNow Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are. It could drag and drop, and could keep files without becoming fat. But the people cared for it not. So the Blue Giant and the Gateskeeper promised another Oz II, to be called Oz II Too, that could swim fast in the new, 32-bit wide Pea Sea.\r\n\r\nThen lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on the Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the third window was the prettiest of all. And the people began to like the third window, and to use it. So the Gateskeeper turned to the Blue Giant and said \"Fie on thee, for I need thee not. Keep thy Oz II Too, and I shall make of my Window an Entity that will not need the Dosfish, and will swim in the 32-bit Pea Sea.\"\r\n\r\nYears passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the Blue Giant were many times overrun by insects. And the people went on using their Dosfish with a Window; even though the Dosfish would from time to time become confused and die, it could always be revived with three fingers. Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his Oz II Too onto the world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required a great ram, and the world was changed not a whit. For the people said \"It is indeed great, but we see little application for it.\" And they were doubtful, because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and together they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent was made of objects, and was most pink.\r\n\r\nNow the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious before he grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his Window Entity with great security, and made its net work both in serving and with peers. And the Entity would swim, not in the Pea Sea, but also in the Oceans of Great Risk. \"Yea,\" the Gateskeeper declared, \"though my Entity will require a greater ram than Oz II Too, it will be more powerful than a world of Eunuchs.\r\n\r\nAnd so the gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, in all but two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater Entity, and even a greater Dosfish would appear one day in Chicago and Cairo, and it too would be built of objects.\r\n\r\nNow the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned the Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea had grown and great ships were sailing in it, the Entity was about to invade their Ocenas, and it was rumored that files would be named in letters greater than eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea, and many of them thought to immigrate.\r\n\r\nWithin the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they had wanted to excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as easy as one-two-three. And what's more, many of them no longer wanted to pay for the Risk. So the Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself eighty-sixed.\r\n\r\nAnd taking the next step was he of the NextStep, who had given up building his boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could help anyone make wondrous soft wares, then admitted meekly that only those who know him could use those wares, and he was made of objects, and required the biggest ram of all.\r\n\r\nAnd the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed. And sore confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozes, Entities, and Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the people still travel on the simple Dosfish.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16124,
"title": "The History of Operating Systems"
},
{
"body": "What does the \"95\" in Windows95 mean anyway?\r\n\r\n10. The number of floppies it will ship in.\r\n9. The percentage of users who will have to upgrade their hardware.\r\n8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.\r\n7. The number of pages in the \"EASY INSTALL\" version of the manual.\r\n6. The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new OS.\r\n5. The number of hours to install.\r\n4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.\r\n3. The number of people who will actually pay for the upgrade.\r\n2. Meg of RAM required for the damn thing to run.\r\n1. The year it was DUE to ship.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16125,
"title": "The Top 10 Things \"95\" Stands For"
},
{
"body": "Microsoft's new \"Cool User\" Program\r\n\r\nREDMOND, WASHINGTON - In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it cal ls the \"Cool User Program for Windows 95.\" To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.\r\n\r\n\"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95,\" explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include \"the OJ Simpson trial ending, another m omentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution.\"\r\n\r\nBecause Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the s torage facility. \"We have chosen the state of Utah,\" stated Microsoft, \"because nobody lives there anyway.\"\r\n\r\nSpokespeople for Novell and WordPerfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.\r\n\r\nIBM Corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching Microsoft's \"Cool User\" program. \"Freeze people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months,\" said a source who asked not to be identified.\r\n\r\nSome industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as a \"bold, innovative\" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion column \"M.S. Brown Knows\" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims, \"IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time.\r\n\r\nMichael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if \"Windows NT didn't completely replace DOS in six months,\" he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that; \"I didn't say which six months.\"\r\n\r\nThe cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but users wishing to b eta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of US$3,000.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16126,
"title": "M$ Cool User Program"
},
{
"body": "What really does happen to MS programmers once they die?\r\n\r\nDid you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died? He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.\r\n\r\nThe committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.\r\n\r\n\"Sure,\" he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.\r\n\r\n\"Wow!\" he exclaimed. \"Heaven is great!\" \"Wrong,\" said the angel. \"That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?\" \"Sure!\" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.\r\n\r\n\"This is Heaven?\" asked the Windows programmer.\r\n\r\n\"Yup,\" said the angel. \"Then I'll take Hell.\" Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. \"Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?\" he screamed frantically to the angel.\r\n\r\n\"That was the demo,\" she replied as she vanished.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16127,
"title": "A M$ Programmer in Hell"
},
{
"body": "Star Trek... The Lost Episode\r\n\r\n ---------------------------------------------------------\r\nRecent reports of a lost episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation have finally been confirmed. And now, for your reading pleasure, we are proud to present the entire transcript. Enjoy!\r\n ---------------------------------------------------------\r\nThe crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise have encountered the Borg.\r\n\r\nPicard: \"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathway?\"\r\n\r\nGeordi: \"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.\"\r\n\r\nGeordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.\r\n\r\nRiker (looks puzzled): \"What the hell is a Microsoft?\"\r\n\r\nData (turns to answer): \"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.\"\r\n\r\nPicard: \"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?\"\r\n\r\nData: \"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.\"\r\n\r\nPicard: \"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea.\"\r\n\r\n --------------------------------------\r\n 15 minutes later\r\n --------------------------------------\r\nData: \"Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'.\"\r\n\r\nGeordi: \"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase.\"\r\n\r\nPicard: \"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we missed.\"\r\n\r\nData: \"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.\"\r\n\r\nRiker: \"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F.\"\r\n\r\nGeordi (excited): \"Wait, Captain, I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!\"\r\n\r\nPicard: \"Data, what do scanners show?\"\r\n\r\nData: \"Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity.\"\r\n\r\nPicard: \"Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their functionality.\"\r\n\r\nRiker: \"Geordi, what's the status of the Borg?\"\r\n\r\nGeordi: \"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increase CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft Fun-Pac One'.\"\r\n\r\nPicard: \"How much time will that buy us?\"\r\n\r\nData: \"Current Borg solutions rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours.\"\r\n\r\nGeordi: \"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.\"\r\n\r\nPicard: \"Identify.\"\r\n\r\nData: \"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo!\"\r\n\r\nOver the speakers: \"This is Admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft Flagship 'Monopoly'. We have positive confirmation of unregistered sofware in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.\"\r\n\r\nData: \"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.\"\r\n\r\nPicard: \"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!\"\r\n\r\nRiker: \"Good God Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive deep space?!\"\r\n\r\nData: \"I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits!\"\r\n\r\nRiker and Picard (horrified): \"Lawyers!!!\"\r\n\r\nGeordi: \"It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.\"\r\n\r\nData: \"True, but apparently some must have survived.\"\r\n\r\nRiker: \"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are convering it with pieces of paper.\"\r\n\r\nData: \"I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' -- it often proves fatal.\"\r\n\r\nRiker: \"They're tearing the Borg to pieces!\"\r\n\r\nPicard: \"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch. Not even the Borg deserve that.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16128,
"title": "The NEW Star Trek Meets M$ Episode"
},
{
"body": "Focus Magazine Interview with Bill Gates\r\n\r\nMicrosoft Code Has No Bugs (that Microsoft cares about)\r\n\r\n---------------------------------------------------------\r\nIn an interview for German weekly magazine Focus (nr.43, October 23, 1995, pages 206-212), Microsoft`s Mr. Bill Gates has made some tements about software quality of MS products. After lengthy inquiries about how PCs should and could be used (including some angry comments on some questions which Mr. Gates evidently did not like), the interviewer comes to storage requirements of MS products; it ends with the following dispute:\r\n\r\n ---------------------------------------------------------\r\n FOCUS: Every new release of a software which has less bugs than the older one is also more complex and has more features...\r\n\r\nGates: No, only if that is what'll sell!\r\n\r\nFOCUS: But...\r\n\r\nGates: Only if that is what'll sell! We've never done a piece of software unless we thought it would sell. That's why everything we do in software ...it's really amazing: We do it because we think that's what customers want. That's why we do what we do.\r\n\r\nFOCUS: But on the other hand, you would say: Okay, folks, if you don't like these new features, stay with the old version, and keep the bugs?\r\n\r\nGates: No! We have lots and lots of competitors. The new version, it's not there to fix bugs. That's not the reason we come up with a new version.\r\n\r\nFOCUS: But there are bugs an any version which people would really like to have fixed.\r\n\r\nGates: No! There are no significant bugs in our released software that any significant number of users want fixed.\r\n\r\nFOCUS: Oh, my God. I always get mad at my computer if MS Word swallows the page numbers of a document which I printed a couple of times with page numbers. If I complain to anybody they say \"Well, upgrade from version 5.11 to 6.0\".\r\n\r\nGates: No! If you really think there's a bug you should report a bug. Maybe you're not using it properly. Have you ever considered that?\r\n\r\nFOCUS: Yeah, I did...\r\n\r\nGates: It turns out Luddites don't know how to use software properly, so you should look into that. The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's absolutely not. It's the stupidest reason to buy a new version I ever heard. When we do a new version we put in lots of new things that people are asking for, and so, in no sense, is stability a reason to move to a new version. It's never a reason.\r\n\r\nFOCUS: How come I keep being told by computer vendors, \"Well, we know about this bug, wait till the next version is there, it'll be fixed\"? I hear this all the time. How come? If you're telling me there are no significant bugs in software and there is no reason to do a new version?\r\n\r\nGates: No. I'm saying: We don't do a new version to fix bugs. We don't. Not enough people would buy it. You can take a hundred people using Microsoft Word. Call them up and say, \"Would you buy a new version because of bugs?\"\r\n\r\nYou won't get a single person to say they'd buy a new version because of bugs. We'd never be able to sell a release on that basis.\r\n\r\nFOCUS: Probably you have other contacts to your software developers. But if Mister Anybody, like me, calls up a store or a support line and says, \"Hey listen, there's a bug\" ... 90 percent of the time I get the answer \"Oh, well, yeah, that's not too bad, wait to the next version and it'll be fixed\". That's how the system works.\r\n\r\nGates: Guess how much we spend on phone calls every year.\r\n\r\nFOCUS: Hm, a couple of million dollars?\r\n\r\nGates: 500 million dollars a year. We take every one of these phone calls and classify them. That's the input we use to do the next version. So it's like the worlds biggest feedback loop. People call in, we decide what to do on it. Do you want to know what percentage of those phonecalls relates to bugs in the software? Less than one percent.\r\n\r\nFOCUS: So people call in to say \"Hey listen, I would love to have this and that feature\"?\r\n\r\nGates: Actually, that's about five percent. Most of them call to get advice on how to do a certain thing with the software. That's the primary thing. We could have you sit and listen to these phone calls. There are millions and millions of them. It really isn't statistically significant. Sit in and listen to Win 95 calls, sit in and listen to Word calls, and wait, just wait for weeks and weeks for someone to call in and say \"Oh, I found a bug in this thing\"....\r\n\r\nFOCUS: So where does this common feeling of frustration come from that unites all the PC users? Everybody experiences it every day that these things simply don't work like they should.\r\n\r\nGates: Because it's cool. It's like, \"Yeah, been there done that. Oh, yeah, I know that bug.\" I can understand that phenomenon sociologically, not technically.\r\n\r\n ---------------------------------------------------------\r\nSo:\r\n\r\n * Bug reports are statistically, therefore actually, unimportant;\r\n * If you want a bug fixed, you are (by definition) in the minority;\r\n * Microsoft doesn't fix bugs because bug fixes are not a significant source of revenue;\r\n * If you think you found a bug, you are wrong, because really it only means you're incompetent; and\r\n * People only complain about bugs to show how cool they are, not because bugs cause any real problems.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16129,
"title": "A Serious Interview With Your Favourite Geek"
},
{
"body": "Beyond the Hype (Guardian, August 25, 1995)\r\n\r\nDouglas Adams, author of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, argues Windows 95 does not cross any frontiers.\r\n\r\nWhat on Earth is going on? Have we found intelligent life on other planets? Abolished war and famine? Found Elvis? Have we even devised a new and better way of using computers? No. All that's happened is that Microsoft has remodelled its operating system so that it's now more like the Macintosh.\r\n\r\nThis may well be a cause for rejoicing among Windows users but it's hardly a giant leap for mankind and doesn't warrant this sense that we're all supposed to celebrate early and avoid the millennium rush.\r\n\r\nAs part of this billion-dollar festival of smoke and mirrors, Bill Gates has apparently paid the Rolling Stones 8 million pounds for the right to use Start Me Up, the song which is better known for its catchy refrain \"You make a grown man cry\".\r\n\r\nThis is a phrase you may hear a lot of over the next few days as millions of people start trying to install Windows 95. Even the best designed systems can be a nightmare to upgrade, but whatever things Microsoft may be famous for - the wealth of its founder, the icy grip he exerts on what is arguably the most important industry on this planet - good systems design is not, as it happens, one of them.\r\n\r\nLet's dispel a few myths. There's one which says that the original PC operating system was a brilliant feat of programming by boy genius Bill Gates. It wasn't brilliant and Gates didn't write it. He acquired it, \"shrewdly\", from the Seattle Computer Company and then immediately licensed it on to another, larger, outfit called IBM. When the IBM PC was launched into a market which had hitherto been serviced by garage companies named after bits of fruit, it carried the impimatur of a world-renowned name and sold a zillion, making Gates' operating system a world standard. IBM had failed to realise that any fool could make the boxes, but the hand that owned the software ruled the world. Big Blue had given the kid Gates a free ride into the stratosphere and then, astoundingly, found itself starting to fall away like a discarded booster rocket.\r\n\r\nSadly this new world software standard was actually a piece of crap.\r\n\r\nMS-DOS, as Gates called it, had started life as QDOS-86 or the Quick & Dirty Operating System, which told you all you needed to know about it. A whole generation of people doggedly learned to run their businesses on a system that was written as a quick lash-up for hobbyists and hackers. Was there anything better around? Of course.\r\n\r\nIn the 1970's, Xerox had funded a team of the world's top computer scientists to research the man/machine interface. They devised a graphical system, using windows, icons and mice. Their key insight was that a lot of needless complications could be cut short by harnessing people's intuitive and gestural skills. Oddly, Xerox failed to follow this up, and the research was taken up and brought to the market by Apple Computer as the Macintosh. After a shaky, underpowered start, this machine matured into a well-integrated system which was not only very powerful, but a real pleasure to use. Mac users tend to have an almost fanatical devotion to their machines.\r\n\r\nThe Microsoft line on all this was that Windows was for wimps. The truth was that plain old MS-DOS couldn't actually do them. Graphics, mice, networking, and a whole lot else, had to be added to the basic core of QDOS as one afterthought after another, which is why Wintel computers are so fiendishly complicated to set up and maintain.\r\n\r\nGates, however, had always known which way the future lay, and for years Microsoft managed the awkward juggling act of rubbishing Apple's user interface while simultaneously trying to devise something like it that would fit on top of the bloated clutter that MS-DOS had become.\r\n\r\nBYTE magazine said recently: \"It would not be an exaggeration to describe the history of the computer in the past decade as a massive effort to keep up with Apple.\" However, the Macintosh is not the last word on interface design, and if Microsoft had been the innovative company that it calls itself, it would have taken the opportunity to take a radical leap beyond the Mac, instead of producing a feeble, me-too, implementation.\r\n\r\nAn awful lot of people who try to install Windows 95 will end up having to spend so much money buying extra RAM and upgrading their peripherals to get features that Mac users have enjoyed for years, that they might as well give up and buy the real thing.\r\n\r\nThe idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16131,
"title": "Douglas Adams on Windows95"
},
{
"body": "If you have half a brain, you can't help but notice the throng of publications, analysts and net users declaring Windows95 the Saviour of the Computer Industry. If you have less than half a brain, you probably believe it. Could it be?\r\n\r\nTo find out, let's compare Windows95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus of Nazareth:\r\n\r\n Jesus Windows95\r\n\r\n Jesus: Said, \"Surely I come quickly.\" \r\nWindows 95: Has been promised \"any day now.\"\r\n\r\n Jesus:Is taking a lot longer to actually arrive \r\nWindows 95: Is taking a lot longer to actually\r\n arrive.\r\n\r\n Jesus: Can walk on water. \r\nWindows 95: Can crawl on a 486.\r\n\r\nJesus: Sits in judgement at the pearly\r\n gates. \r\nWindows 95: Will be used to judge Bill Gates.\r\n\r\nJesus: Bible says, \"In Him, all things Windows 95 doesn't even run all\r\n are possible.\" \r\nWindows 95: doesn't even run all\r\npossible Windows apps.\r\n\r\n Jesus: Started life as a carpenter. \r\nWindows 95:Turns perfectly good computers into\r\n furniture.\r\n\r\n Jesus: Born in a manger. \r\nWindows 95:Resembles something found in a barn.\r\n\r\n Jesus:Remembered for protecting the\r\n weak. \r\nWindows 95:Has weak memory protection.\r\n\r\n Jesus:Was raised from the dead. \r\nWindows 95:Was created from Windows 3.1.\r\n\r\n Jesus performed great works for \r\nthe multitudes.\r\nWindows 95 multitasking performance\r\nbarely works.\r\n\r\n Jesus has no sin. \r\nWindows 95 has no shame.\r\n\r\nif this offends any Christians out there, I don't really care. But you can email me if you think it will make you feel better.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16132,
"title": "Windows95 Compared to Jesus"
},
{
"body": "Dogs crawl under fences...Software crawls under Windows95.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16133,
"title": "Assorted Windows95 One-Liners 1"
},
{
"body": "Scanning for viruses...Windows95 found...Please delete.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16134,
"title": "Assorted Windows95 One-Liners 2"
},
{
"body": "Double your drive space...Delete Windows95.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16135,
"title": "Assorted Windows95 One-Liners 3"
},
{
"body": "Friends don't let friends use Windows95.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16136,
"title": "Assorted Windows95 One-Liners 4"
},
{
"body": "If at first you don't succeed...work for Microsoft.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16137,
"title": "Assorted Windows95 One-Liners 5"
},
{
"body": "Turn your Pentium into a gameboy...Type \"WIN\" at the prompt.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16138,
"title": "Assorted Windows95 One-Liners 6"
},
{
"body": "Windows95...the best $159 Solitaire game you can buy.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16140,
"title": "Assorted Windows95 One-Liners 8"
},
{
"body": "Activate your own virus... type \"WIN\" at the prompt.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16141,
"title": "Assorted Windows95 One-Liners 9"
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife are walking down the High Street one evening, when the wife saw a beautiful diamond necklace in the jeweller's shop window.\r\n\r\n\"Oh,\" she exclaims, \"I really would like that! Do you think you could get it for me?\" With that, he looks around and finally locates a brick, which he promptly lobs through the window; he then grabs the necklace, and the two of them leg it.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, there was a lovely pair of earrings to match in the other window!\" she says.\r\n\r\n\"What, do you think I'm MADE of bricks?\" he exclaims.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16143,
"title": "When The Shops Are Closed . . ."
},
{
"body": "The best way to accelerate Windows is through one.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16145,
"title": "Assorted Windows95 One-Liners 11"
},
{
"body": "DEAR DIARY: DAY ONE\r\nAll packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.\r\n\r\nDEAR DIARY: DAY TWO\r\nEntire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.\r\n\r\nDEAR DIARY: DAY THREE\r\nIn the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.\r\n\r\nDEAR DIARY: DAY FOUR\r\nWon $80 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.\r\n\r\nDEAR DIARY: DAY FIVE\r\nPool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.\r\n\r\nDEAR DIARY: DAY SIX\r\nToday I saved 2,300 lives. Twice.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16165,
"title": "All At Sea"
},
{
"body": "It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him.\r\n\r\nThe lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, \"Boy, are you in trouble! I'm a lawyer!\"\r\n\r\nThe driver looked out his window and said, \"No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 16166,
"title": "Oops!"
},
{
"body": "\"This house,\" said the real estate salesman, \"has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.\r\n\r\n\"The disadvantage is that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north.\"\r\n\r\n\"What is the advantage?\" inquired the prospective buyer.\r\n\r\n\"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 16167,
"title": "This Ol' House"
},
{
"body": "The minister's car wouldn't start, so he called the garage. \r\n\r\nWhen the tow truck driver arrived, the minister says, \"I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yep,\" replied the tow truck driver, \"I've heard you preach.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 16168,
"title": "The Sermon Today . . ."
},
{
"body": "A priest wanted to go to the post office, so he asked a little boy the way. The boy took him to the post office.\r\n\r\nThe priest said to the boy, \"Thank you. Come to the church tomorrow and I will show you the way to Heaven.\"\r\n\r\nThe boy turned and said, \"But you don't even know the way to the post office.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 16169,
"title": "Follow Me, I'm Right Behind You!"
},
{
"body": "One day a man having conversation with God, when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time.\r\n\r\nHe saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there was only one set of footprints.\r\n\r\nHe asked God, \"You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life?\"\r\n\r\nGod replied, \"Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you. You see only one set of footprints because, during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 16170,
"title": "Sands of Time"
},
{
"body": "Five year old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by.\r\n\r\nShe told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.\r\n\r\n\"My,\" said the census taker, \"that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?\"\r\n\r\n\"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16171,
"title": "Kids, Eh?"
},
{
"body": "A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.\r\n\r\n\"That's a serious step,\" he said. \"Have you thought it out completely?\"\r\n\r\n\"Sure,\" his young son answered. \"We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night.\"\r\n\r\n\"How about transportation? \" the father asked.\r\n\"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,\" the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.\r\n\r\nFinally, in exasperation, the man asked, \"What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.\"\r\n\"We've thought about that, too,\" the little boy replied. \"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16172,
"title": "Kids, Eh? II"
},
{
"body": "One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.\r\n\r\nThe church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.\r\n\r\nAs the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.\r\nAs the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor.\r\n\r\n\"Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God, and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship.\" The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.\r\n\r\nThe next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.\r\n\r\nThe preacher again approached the man and said, \"I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church.\"\r\n\"I did,\" replied the old cowboy.\r\n\"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?\" asked the preacher.\r\n\r\n\"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 16173,
"title": "Let He Who is Without Sin . . ."
},
{
"body": "To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye.\r\n\r\n\"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci,\" he said finally.\r\n\r\n\"Sorry, sir,\" said the waiter. \"That's the owner.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16174,
"title": "Speaka Da Lingo"
},
{
"body": "Yo' momma so fat that you gotta be Clifford the Big Red Dog to hit it doggystyle!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16197,
"title": "Clifford Can Hit It"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is rated 'E' for everyone.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16209,
"title": "Rated E"
},
{
"body": "What is a pirate's favorite food?\r\n\r\nTaco Bell's cARRne asada.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16210,
"title": "Pirate's Favorite Food"
},
{
"body": "A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board. He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.\r\n\r\nThe pilot banks the plane around and winds down the window and shouts to the guy, \"Hi! Where am I?\", to which the solitary office worker replies, \"You're in a plane\". The pilot winds up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.\r\n\r\nThe passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. \"Simple,\" replies the pilot. \"The answer he gave me was 100% correct, but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's Support Office and from there the airport is just 5 miles away on a course of 87 degrees! Any questions?\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16213,
"title": "A Classic M$ Support Joke"
},
{
"body": "The following is a list of undocumented Windows 95 error codes which somehow got overlooked when printing the documentation.\r\n\r\n ---------------------------------------------------------\r\n ---------------------------------------------------------\r\nWinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger [Purchased Win95?]\r\nWinErr 002: No Error - Yet\r\nWinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file\r\nWinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong\r\nWinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused\r\nWinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive\r\nWinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware\r\nWinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments\r\nWinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened\r\nWinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full\r\nWinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB\r\nWinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!\r\nWinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside\r\nWinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside\r\nWinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened\r\nWinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers\r\nWinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside\r\nWinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside\r\nWinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?\r\nWinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.\r\nWinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.\r\nWinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!\r\nWinErr 01A: Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.\r\nWinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.\r\nWinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.\r\nWinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.\r\nWinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.\r\nWinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.\r\nWinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.\r\nWinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.\r\nWinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.\r\nWinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.\r\nWinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?\r\nWinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.\r\nWinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16217,
"title": "Windows95 Unrecorded Error Messages"
},
{
"body": "What did the chicken say to the bully?\r\n\r\n\r\nWhy don't you peck on someone your own size?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16221,
"title": "Clever Little Chicken"
},
{
"body": "Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, \"Nice pigs, Mr. President.\"\r\n\r\nClinton replies, \"I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razor Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary. So, now what do you think?\"\r\n\r\nThe honor guardsman answers: \"Nice trade, Sir.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16226,
"title": "Joke 6"
},
{
"body": "A man was boasting to his friend, \"You know, I am a well known collector of antiques.\" His friend replied, \"Yes, I know, I have seen your wife.\"\r\n\r\nTom: I went out fishing with my wife this morning.\r\nSam: You're lucky, I'm still using worms.\r\n\r\n\"Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. Why Dad? Tell me why!\"\r\nDad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, \"Maybe, son, she didn't get the fax.\"\r\n\r\nA wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, \"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?\" \"I would love to,\" replied the husband, \"but I don't know her well enough.\"\r\n\r\nThe wife phoned her husband in the office and said, \"Darling, come home early, we are going to have mother for dinner.\" \"Good,\" replied the husband, \"make sure she's well done.\"\r\n\r\nThen there was this ten-year old child who shot both his parents and pleaded with the judge for mercy because he was an orphan.\r\n\r\nDad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?\r\nSon: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it.\r\n\r\nThe girl asked her lover, \"Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?\" \"Sure,\" replied her lover \"What's your number?\"\r\n\r\nYoung Man: Would you like to dance with me?\r\nYoung Woman: Do you expect me to dance with a baby?\r\nYoung Man: I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were pregnant.\r\n\r\nHave you heard about this boy who could think of nothing but girls, girls and more girls? However, he has outgrown it. Now all he thinks of is women.\r\n\r\nIf a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker. If he is bald at the back, he is sexy. If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is sexy.\r\n\r\nA young woman went into a bank to withdraw some money. \"Can you identify yourself?\" asked the bank clerk. The young woman opened her handbag, took out a mirror, looked into it and said, \"Yes, it's me alright.\"\r\n\r\n\"Do you know I own a bank now?\"\r\n\"Oh really, what is the name of your bank?\"\r\n\"Piggy.\"\r\n\r\nA psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, \"I heard you died.\"\r\n\"But you see I'm alive,\" smiled the friend.\r\n\"Impossible,\" said the psychiatrist. \"The man who told me is much more reliable than you.\"\r\n\r\nDoctor: We operated on your eyes and we've managed to save one of them.\r\nPatient: Oh, thank you very much.\r\nDoctor: Yes, we'll give it to you on your way out.\r\n\r\nA doctor sent a bill to his patient. Underneath the bill he wrote: \"This bill is now one year old.\" Back came the reply: \"Happy Birthday!\"\r\n\r\nA man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and\r\nasked, \"Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?\" \"Yes, of course,\" said the doctor, \"why not!\"\r\n\"Oh! How nice it would be,\" said the patient with joy, \"I have been illiterate for so long.\"\r\n\r\n\"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor.\"\r\n\"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?\" \"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over.\"\r\n\r\nA drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, \"Order, order.\" The drunkard immediately responded, \"Thank you, your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda.\"\r\n\r\nA guy about to be electrocuted phoned his lawyer from the death chamber. \"They are about to make me sit in the electric chair. You are my lawyer, tell me what do I do now?\" The lawyer thought for a moment and then said, \"Don't sit down.\"\r\n\r\nA visitor to a graveyard came across a tombstone with the inscription: \"Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.\" After reading it he remarked: \"They must be short of space in this graveyard. They're having to put two in a grave.\"\r\n\r\nA visitor in a town asked a passerby: \"Do you have a criminal lawyer in town?\" The old man replied, \"Well, we think so, but we can't prove it.\"\r\n\r\nJudge: I've decided to award your wife $500.00 a month.\r\nHusband: That's very generous of you, your honour, I'll give her $20.00 myself, too!\r\n\r\nCourt scene:\r\n1st Lawyer: You're a fool\r\n2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.\r\nJudge: As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case?\r\n\r\nThe boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, \"Is this what I pay you for?\" The manager replied: \"No, sir, this I do free of charge.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16230,
"title": "Joke 10"
},
{
"body": "According to the Institute of Incomplete Research, 7 out of 10 people are",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16232,
"title": "At the Institute"
},
{
"body": "\u00e6\u00b1\u00a4\u00e5\u00a7\u0086\u00e6\u0095\u0099\u00e6\u008e\u0088\u00e6\u009c\u0089\u00e4\u00ba\u008b\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e6\u0097\u00a0\u00e6\u00b3\u0095\u00e6\u0095\u0099\u00e4\u00b8\u008b\u00e5\u008d\u0088\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e8\u00af\u00be\u00e3\u0080\u0082\u00e4\u00ba\u008e\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e5\u008e\u00bb\u00e6\u0095\u0099\u00e5\u00ae\u00a4\u00e9\u00bb\u0091\u00e6\u009d\u00bf\u00e4\u00b8\u008a\u00e5\u0086\u0099\u00e4\u00ba\u0086\u00e4\u00b8\u00aa\u00e9\u0080\u009a\u00e7\u009f\u00a5\u00ef\u00bc\u009a\r\nProf. Tom will not meet his classes this afternoon.\r\n \u00e6\u009c\u0089\u00e4\u00b8\u00aa\u00e8\u00b0\u0083\u00e7\u009a\u00ae\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e5\u00ad\u00a6\u00e7\u0094\u009f\u00e7\u009c\u008b\u00e5\u0088\u00b0\u00e5\u0090\u008e\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e6\u0083\u00b3\u00e8\u00b7\u009f\u00e6\u0095\u0099\u00e6\u008e\u0088\u00e5\u00bc\u0080\u00e4\u00b8\u00aa\u00e7\u008e\u00a9\u00e7\u00ac\u0091\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e6\u008a\u008aclasses\u00e5\u0089\u008d\u00e9\u009d\u00a2\u00e7\u009a\u0084c\u00e6\u0093\u00a6\r\n\u00e6\u008e\u0089\u00e4\u00ba\u0086\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n \u00e6\u00b1\u00a4\u00e5\u00a7\u0086\u00e6\u0095\u0099\u00e6\u008e\u0088\u00e4\u00b8\u00ad\u00e5\u008d\u0088\u00e8\u00b7\u00af\u00e8\u00bf\u0087\u00e6\u0095\u0099\u00e5\u00ae\u00a4\u00e6\u0097\u00b6\u00e5\u008f\u0088\u00e9\u00a1\u00ba\u00e8\u00b7\u00af\u00e8\u00bf\u009b\u00e5\u008e\u00bb\u00e4\u00ba\u0086\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e4\u00b8\u008b\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e5\u00bf\u008d\u00e4\u00b8\u008d\u00e4\u00bd\u008f\u00e7\u00ac\u0091\u00e4\u00ba\u0086\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e9\u009a\u008f\u00e6\u0089\u008b\u00e5\u008f\u0088\r\n\u00e6\u0093\u00a6\u00e6\u008e\u0089\u00e4\u00ba\u0086l\u00e3\u0080\u0082",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16236,
"title": "\u00e5\u008f\u00af\u00e7\u0088\u00b1\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e6\u0095\u0099\u00e6\u008e\u0088"
},
{
"body": "umfriend\u00ef\u00bc\u0088\u00e5\u0097\u00af\u00e6\u009c\u008b\u00e5\u008f\u008b\u00ef\u00bc\u0089\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e5\u0080\u008b\u00e6\u0096\u00b0\u00e5\u00ad\u0097\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e6\u009c\u0080\u00e8\u00bf\u0091\u00e5\u00b7\u00b2\u00e7\u00b6\u0093\u00e8\u00a2\u00ab\u00e6\u0094\u00be\u00e9\u0080\u00b2\u00e7\u00be\u008e\u00e5\u009c\u008b\u00e5\u00ad\u0097\u00e5\u0085\u00b8\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e7\u0094\u00a8\u00e5\u00ad\u0097\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\r\n\u00e5\u00ae\u0083\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e5\u0080\u008b\u00e5\u0090\u008d\u00e8\u00a9\u009e\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e6\u0084\u008f\u00e6\u0080\u009d\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e3\u0080\u008c\u00e6\u009c\u0089\u00e6\u009b\u0096\u00e6\u0098\u00a7\u00e4\u00b8\u008d\u00e6\u0098\u008e\u00e6\u0088\u0096\u00e4\u00b8\u008d\u00e5\u008f\u00af\u00e5\u0091\u008a\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00e9\u0097\u009c\u00e4\u00bf\u0082\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e6\u009c\u008b\u00e5\u008f\u008b\u00e3\u0080\u008d\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\r\n\u00e5\u00ae\u0083\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e8\u00b5\u00b7\u00e6\u00ba\u0090\u00e5\u00be\u0088\u00e6\u009c\u0089\u00e8\u00b6\u00a3\u00ef\u00bc\u009a\r\n\r\n\u00e5\u0081\u0087\u00e8\u00a8\u00ad\u00e6\u009c\u0089\u00e9\u0080\u0099\u00e6\u00a8\u00a3\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e5\u0080\u008b\u00e6\u0083\u0085\u00e5\u00a2\u0083\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e5\u00b8\u00b6\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e5\u0080\u008b\u00e6\u009c\u008b\u00e5\u008f\u008b\u00e5\u009b\u009e\u00e4\u00bd\u008f\u00e8\u0099\u0095\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e5\u0080\u0091\u00e7\u0095\u00b6\u00e5\u00a4\u00a9\u00e6\u0099\u009a\u00e4\u00b8\u008a\u00e7\u0099\u00bc\u00e7\u0094\u009f\u00e4\u00ba\u0086\u00e6\u0080\u00a7\u00e9\u0097\u009c\u00e4\u00bf\u0082\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\r\n\r\n\u00e5\u00ae\u008c\u00e4\u00ba\u008b\u00e4\u00b9\u008b\u00e5\u00be\u008c\u00ef\u00bc\u0088\u00e6\u0088\u0096\u00e8\u0080\u0085\u00e5\u00b0\u009a\u00e6\u009c\u00aa\u00e5\u00ae\u008c\u00e4\u00ba\u008b\u00ef\u00bc\u0089\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e5\u00ae\u00a4\u00e5\u008f\u008b\u00ef\u00bc\u0088\u00e6\u0088\u0096\u00e5\u00ae\u00b6\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00ef\u00bc\u0089\u00e5\u009b\u009e\u00e4\u00be\u0086\u00e6\u0092\u009e\u00e8\u00a6\u008b\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e5\u0080\u0091\u00e5\u0085\u00a9\u00e5\u0080\u008b\u00ef\u00bc\u008e\u00ef\u00bc\u008e\u00ef\u00bc\u008e\r\n\r\n\u00e5\u009b\u00a0\u00e7\u0082\u00ba\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e5\u0080\u0091\u00e4\u00b8\u008d\u00e6\u0083\u00b3\u00e8\u00ae\u0093\u00e5\u0088\u00a5\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00e7\u009f\u00a5\u00e9\u0081\u0093\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e5\u0080\u0091\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e9\u0097\u009c\u00e4\u00bf\u0082\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\r\n\r\n\u00e6\u0089\u0080\u00e4\u00bb\u00a5\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e5\u0080\u0091\u00e5\u008f\u00af\u00e8\u0083\u00bd\u00e9\u0082\u0084\u00e6\u00bb\u00bf\u00e7\u00a5\u009e\u00e8\u0089\u00b2\u00e6\u0085\u008c\u00e5\u00bc\u00b5\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00ef\u00bc\u0088\u00e6\u0088\u0096\u00e8\u0091\u0097\u00e8\u00a1\u00a3\u00e8\u00a1\u00ab\u00e4\u00b8\u008d\u00e6\u0095\u00b4\u00ef\u00bc\u0089\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\r\n\u00e5\u00ae\u00a4\u00e5\u008f\u008b\u00e6\u0088\u0096\u00e5\u00ae\u00b6\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00e5\u008f\u00af\u00e8\u0083\u00bd\u00e7\u0094\u00a8\u00e8\u0091\u0097\u00e6\u0087\u00b7\u00e7\u0096\u0091\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e7\u009c\u00bc\u00e5\u0085\u0089\u00e6\u0089\u0093\u00e9\u0087\u008f\u00e8\u0091\u0097\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e5\u0080\u0091\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\r\n\r\n\u00e5\u00bf\u0083\u00e8\u0099\u009b\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e7\u0082\u00ba\u00e4\u00ba\u0086\u00e8\u00ae\u0093\u00e9\u0080\u0099\u00e7\u00a8\u00ae\u00e5\u00b0\u00b7\u00e5\u00b0\u00ac\u00e5\u00a0\u00b4\u00e9\u009d\u00a2\u00e8\u00b6\u0095\u00e5\u00bf\u00ab\u00e9\u0081\u008e\u00e5\u008e\u00bb\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\r\n\r\n\u00e5\u008f\u00aa\u00e5\u00a5\u00bd\u00e8\u00b6\u0095\u00e5\u00bf\u00ab\u00e6\u008a\u008a\u00e9\u0080\u0099\u00e4\u00bd\u008d\u00e6\u009c\u008b\u00e5\u008f\u008b\u00e4\u00bb\u008b\u00e7\u00b4\u00b9\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e4\u00b8\u008b\u00ef\u00bc\u0088\u00e8\u00ac\u009b\u00e6\u0099\u0082\u00e9\u0082\u0084\u00e6\u009c\u0089\u00e9\u00bb\u009e\u00e6\u0094\u00af\u00e6\u0094\u00af\u00e5\u0090\u00be\u00e5\u0090\u00be\u00ef\u00bc\u0089\r\n\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u008cDad , this is david , um....friend\u00e3\u0080\u008d\r\n\r\n\u00e6\u0096\u00bc\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e6\u0094\u00af\u00e5\u0090\u00be\u00e8\u00a9\u009e um\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e5\u008a\u00a0\u00e4\u00b8\u008a\u00e5\u00be\u008c\u00e9\u009d\u00a2\u00e7\u009a\u0084friend\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e5\u00b0\u00b1\u00e8\u00a2\u00ab\u00e5\u0090\u0088\u00e8\u00b5\u00b7\u00e4\u00be\u0086\u00e7\u0094\u00a8\u00e6\u0088\u0090\u00e4\u00ba\u0086\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e5\u0080\u008b\u00e6\u0096\u00b0\u00e5\u00ad\u0097\u00e3\u0080\u0082",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16238,
"title": "Umfriend"
},
{
"body": "1. You are not a superman.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e4\u00b8\u008d\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e8\u00b6\u0085\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u00802. If it's stupid but works\u00ef\u00bc\u008cit isn't stupid.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e5\u00a6\u0082\u00e6\u009e\u009c\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e4\u00b8\u00aa\u00e8\u00a0\u00a2\u00e6\u0096\u00b9\u00e6\u00b3\u0095\u00e6\u009c\u0089\u00e6\u0095\u0088\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e9\u0082\u00a3\u00e5\u00ae\u0083\u00e5\u00b0\u00b1\u00e4\u00b8\u008d\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e4\u00b8\u00aa\u00e8\u00a0\u00a2\u00e6\u0096\u00b9\u00e6\u00b3\u0095\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u00803.Don't look conspicuous-it draws fire. (This is why aircraft carriers are called\"Bomb Magnets\".)\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e4\u00b8\u008d\u00e8\u00a6\u0081\u00e5\u00a4\u00aa\u00e6\u0098\u00be\u00e7\u009c\u00bc\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e5\u009b\u00a0\u00e4\u00b8\u00ba\u00e9\u0082\u00a3\u00e4\u00bc\u009a\u00e5\u00bc\u0095\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00e6\u0094\u00bb\u00e5\u0087\u00bb\u00e3\u0080\u0082\u00ef\u00bc\u0088\u00e8\u00bf\u0099\u00e5\u00b0\u00b1\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e8\u0088\u00aa\u00e7\u00a9\u00ba\u00e6\u00af\u008d\u00e8\u0088\u00b0\u00e8\u00a2\u00ab\u00e7\u00a7\u00b0\u00e4\u00b8\u00ba\"\u00e7\u0082\u00b8\u00e5\u00bc\u00b9\u00e7\u00a3\u0081\u00e9\u0093\u0081\"\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e5\u008e\u009f\u00e5\u009b\u00a0\u00e3\u0080\u0082\u00ef\u00bc\u0089\r\n\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u00804. When in doubt\u00ef\u00bc\u008cempty your magazine.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e6\u009c\u0089\u00e9\u0097\u00ae\u00e9\u00a2\u0098\u00e6\u0097\u00b6\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e6\u00b8\u0085\u00e7\u00a9\u00ba\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e5\u00bc\u00b9\u00e5\u008c\u00a3\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n \u00e3\u0080\u00805. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e5\u0088\u00ab\u00e5\u0092\u008c\u00e6\u00af\u0094\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e5\u008b\u0087\u00e6\u0095\u00a2\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e6\u0088\u0098\u00e5\u008f\u008b\u00e8\u00ba\u00b2\u00e5\u009c\u00a8\u00e5\u0090\u008c\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e4\u00b8\u00aa\u00e5\u00bc\u00b9\u00e5\u009d\u0091\u00e9\u0087\u008c\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u00806. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e5\u0088\u00ab\u00e5\u00bf\u0098\u00e4\u00ba\u0086\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e6\u0089\u008b\u00e4\u00b8\u008a\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e6\u00ad\u00a6\u00e5\u0099\u00a8\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e7\u0094\u00b1\u00e6\u009c\u0080\u00e4\u00bd\u008e\u00e4\u00bb\u00b7\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e6\u0089\u00bf\u00e5\u008c\u0085\u00e5\u0095\u0086\u00e5\u00be\u0097\u00e6\u00a0\u0087\u00e5\u0088\u00b6\u00e9\u0080\u00a0\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u00807. If your attack is going really well\u00ef\u00bc\u008cit's an ambush.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e5\u00a6\u0082\u00e6\u009e\u009c\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e6\u0094\u00bb\u00e5\u0087\u00bb\u00e8\u00bf\u009b\u00e8\u00a1\u008c\u00e5\u00be\u0097\u00e5\u00be\u0088\u00e9\u00a1\u00ba\u00e5\u0088\u00a9\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e9\u0082\u00a3\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e5\u00ae\u009a\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e4\u00b8\u00ad\u00e4\u00ba\u0086\u00e5\u009c\u0088\u00e5\u00a5\u0097\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u00808. No plan survives the first contact intact.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e6\u00b2\u00a1\u00e6\u009c\u0089\u00e4\u00bb\u00bb\u00e4\u00bd\u0095\u00e8\u00ae\u00a1\u00e5\u0088\u0092\u00e8\u0083\u00bd\u00e5\u009c\u00a8\u00e9\u0081\u0087\u00e6\u0095\u008c\u00e5\u0090\u008e\u00e7\u00bb\u00a7\u00e7\u00bb\u00ad\u00e6\u0089\u00a7\u00e8\u00a1\u008c\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u00809. All five second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e6\u0089\u0080\u00e6\u009c\u0089\u00e4\u00ba\u0094\u00e7\u00a7\u0092\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e6\u0089\u008b\u00e6\u00a6\u00b4\u00e5\u00bc\u00b9\u00e5\u00bc\u0095\u00e7\u00ba\u00bf\u00e9\u0083\u00bd\u00e4\u00bc\u009a\u00e5\u009c\u00a8\u00e4\u00b8\u0089\u00e7\u00a7\u0092\u00e5\u0086\u0085\u00e7\u0083\u00a7\u00e5\u00ae\u008c\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008010. Try to look unimportant because bad guys may be low on ammo.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e8\u00a3\u0085\u00e6\u0088\u0090\u00e6\u0097\u00a0\u00e5\u0085\u00b3\u00e7\u00b4\u00a7\u00e8\u00a6\u0081\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e5\u009b\u00a0\u00e4\u00b8\u00ba\u00e6\u0095\u008c\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00e5\u008f\u00af\u00e8\u0083\u00bd\u00e5\u00bc\u00b9\u00e8\u008d\u00af\u00e4\u00b8\u008d\u00e5\u00a4\u009f\u00e4\u00ba\u0086\u00e3\u0080\u0082\u00ef\u00bc\u0088\u00e6\u0089\u0080\u00e4\u00bb\u00a5\u00e4\u00bb\u0096\u00e4\u00bc\u009a\u00e5\u0085\u0088\u00e6\u0089\u0093\u00e6\u009c\u0080\u00e9\u0087\u008d\u00e8\u00a6\u0081\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00ef\u00bc\u0089\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008011. If you are forward of your position\u00ef\u00bc\u008cthe artillery will fall short.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e6\u00af\u008f\u00e5\u00bd\u0093\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e8\u00a6\u0081\u00e6\u0094\u00bb\u00e5\u0087\u00bb\u00e5\u0089\u008d\u00e8\u00bf\u009b\u00e6\u0097\u00b6\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e7\u0082\u00ae\u00e5\u0085\u00b5\u00e5\u00be\u0080\u00e5\u00be\u0080\u00e4\u00b9\u009f\u00e7\u0094\u00a8\u00e5\u00ae\u008c\u00e4\u00ba\u0086\u00e7\u0082\u00ae\u00e5\u00bc\u00b9\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u008012. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e9\u0082\u00a3\u00e6\u0094\u00af\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e4\u00bb\u00a5\u00e4\u00b8\u00ba\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e6\u0095\u008c\u00e5\u0086\u009b\u00e7\u0096\u0091\u00e5\u0085\u00b5\u00e8\u0080\u008c\u00e4\u00b8\u008d\u00e5\u008a\u00a0\u00e6\u00b3\u00a8\u00e6\u0084\u008f\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e9\u0083\u00a8\u00e9\u0098\u009f\u00e5\u0085\u00b6\u00e5\u00ae\u009e\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e6\u0094\u00bb\u00e5\u0087\u00bb\u00e4\u00b8\u00bb\u00e5\u008a\u009b\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008013. THe important things are always simple.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e9\u0087\u008d\u00e8\u00a6\u0081\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e4\u00ba\u008b\u00e6\u0080\u00bb\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e7\u00ae\u0080\u00e5\u008d\u0095\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008014. The simple things are always hard.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e7\u00ae\u0080\u00e5\u008d\u0095\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e4\u00ba\u008b\u00e6\u0080\u00bb\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e9\u009a\u00be\u00e4\u00bd\u009c\u00e5\u0088\u00b0\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008015. The easy way is always mined.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e5\u00a5\u00bd\u00e8\u00b5\u00b0\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e8\u00b7\u00af\u00e6\u0080\u00bb\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e4\u00bc\u009a\u00e8\u00a2\u00ab\u00e5\u00b8\u0083\u00e9\u009b\u00b7\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008016. If you are short of everything except enemy. You are in combat.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e5\u00a6\u0082\u00e6\u009e\u009c\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e9\u0099\u00a4\u00e4\u00ba\u0086\u00e6\u0095\u008c\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00e4\u00bb\u00a5\u00e5\u00a4\u0096\u00e4\u00bb\u0080\u00e4\u00b9\u0088\u00e9\u0083\u00bd\u00e7\u00bc\u00ba\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e9\u0082\u00a3\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e5\u00ae\u009a\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e5\u009c\u00a8\u00e4\u00ba\u00a4\u00e6\u0088\u0098\u00e4\u00b8\u00ad\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008017. When you have secured an area,don't forget to tell the enemy.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e5\u00a6\u0082\u00e6\u009e\u009c\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e5\u00b7\u00b2\u00e7\u00bb\u008f\u00e8\u0082\u0083\u00e6\u00b8\u0085\u00e8\u00bf\u0087\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e4\u00b8\u00aa\u00e5\u008c\u00ba\u00e5\u009f\u009f\u00e5\u0088\u00ab\u00e5\u00bf\u0098\u00e4\u00ba\u0086\u00e5\u0091\u008a\u00e8\u00af\u0089\u00e6\u0095\u008c\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008018. Incoming fire has the right of way.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e9\u00a3\u009e\u00e6\u009d\u00a5\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e5\u00ad\u0090\u00e5\u00bc\u00b9\u00e6\u009c\u0089\u00e4\u00bc\u0098\u00e5\u0085\u0088\u00e9\u0080\u009a\u00e8\u00a1\u008c\u00e6\u009d\u0083\u00e3\u0080\u0082\u00ef\u00bc\u0088\u00e6\u008c\u00a1\u00e5\u00ae\u0083\u00e9\u0081\u0093\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e5\u00b0\u00b1\u00e5\u0080\u0092\u00e5\u00a4\u00a7\u00e6\u00a5\u00a3\u00e5\u0095\u00a6\u00ef\u00bc\u0089\r\n\r\n19. Friendly fire,isn't.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\"\u00e5\u008f\u008b\"\u00e5\u0086\u009b\u00e7\u0082\u00ae\u00e7\u0081\u00ab\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e4\u00b8\u008d\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e5\u0090\u0097\u00ef\u00bc\u009f\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008020. If the enemy is in range,\"SO ARE YOU!!!\"\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e5\u00a6\u0082\u00e6\u009e\u009c\u00e6\u0095\u008c\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00e6\u00ad\u00a3\u00e5\u009c\u00a8\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e5\u00b0\u0084\u00e7\u00a8\u008b\u00e5\u0086\u0085\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e5\u0088\u00ab\u00e5\u00bf\u0098\u00e4\u00ba\u0086\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e4\u00b9\u009f\u00e5\u009c\u00a8\u00e4\u00bb\u0096\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e5\u00b0\u0084\u00e7\u00a8\u008b\u00e5\u0086\u0085\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008021. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspections.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e4\u00bb\u008e\u00e6\u00b2\u00a1\u00e6\u009c\u0089\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e6\u0094\u00af\u00e5\u00ae\u008c\u00e6\u0088\u0090\u00e6\u0088\u0098\u00e5\u00a4\u0087\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e5\u008d\u0095\u00e4\u00bd\u008d\u00e8\u0083\u00bd\u00e9\u0080\u009a\u00e8\u00bf\u0087\u00e6\u00a0\u00a1\u00e9\u0098\u0085\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008022. Beer math is: two beers time 37 men=49 cases.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e5\u0095\u00a4\u00e9\u0085\u0092\u00e6\u0095\u00b0\u00e8\u00ae\u00a1\u00e7\u00ae\u0097\u00e6\u00b3\u0095\u00ef\u00bc\u009a\u00e6\u00af\u008f\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00e4\u00b8\u00a4\u00e7\u0093\u00b6\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e5\u0085\u00b1\u00e5\u008f\u0081\u00e5\u008d\u0081\u00e4\u00b8\u0083\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e7\u00ad\u0089\u00e4\u00ba\u008e\u00e5\u009b\u009b\u00e5\u008d\u0081\u00e4\u00b9\u009d\u00e7\u00ae\u00b1\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008023. Body count math is: two guerillas plus one portable plus two pigs=37 enemy killed in action.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e6\u00ad\u00bc\u00e6\u0095\u008c\u00e6\u0095\u00b0\u00e8\u00ae\u00a1\u00e7\u00ae\u0097\u00e6\u00b3\u0095\u00ef\u00bc\u009a\u00e4\u00b8\u00a4\u00e5\u0090\u008d\u00e6\u00b8\u00b8\u00e5\u0087\u00bb\u00e9\u0098\u009f\u00e5\u008a\u00a0\u00e4\u00b8\u00a4\u00e5\u008f\u00aa\u00e7\u008c\u00aa\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e6\u009c\u00ac\u00e6\u00ac\u00a1\u00e6\u0088\u0098\u00e6\u0096\u0097\u00e5\u0085\u00b1\u00e6\u00af\u0099\u00e6\u0095\u008c\u00e5\u008f\u0081\u00e5\u008d\u0081\u00e4\u00b8\u0083\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008024. Things that must be together to work,usually can't be shipped together.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e8\u00a6\u0081\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e8\u00b5\u00b7\u00e7\u0094\u00a8\u00e6\u0089\u008d\u00e8\u0083\u00bd\u00e7\u0094\u009f\u00e6\u0095\u0088\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e8\u00a3\u0085\u00e5\u00a4\u0087\u00e9\u0080\u009a\u00e5\u00b8\u00b8\u00e4\u00b8\u008d\u00e4\u00bc\u009a\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e8\u00b5\u00b7\u00e8\u00bf\u0090\u00e6\u009d\u00a5\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008025. Radio's will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e6\u0097\u00a0\u00e7\u00ba\u00bf\u00e7\u0094\u00b5\u00e6\u0080\u00bb\u00e4\u00bc\u009a\u00e5\u009c\u00a8\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e6\u0080\u00a5\u00e9\u009c\u0080\u00e7\u0081\u00ab\u00e5\u008a\u009b\u00e6\u0094\u00af\u00e6\u008f\u00b4\u00e6\u0097\u00b6\u00e6\u008c\u0082\u00e6\u008e\u0089\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\r\n26. Anything you do can get you shot-including doing nothing.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e4\u00bd\u009c\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e4\u00bb\u00bb\u00e4\u00bd\u0095\u00e4\u00ba\u008b\u00e9\u0083\u00bd\u00e5\u008f\u00af\u00e8\u0083\u00bd\u00e6\u008c\u00a8\u00e6\u009e\u00aa\u00e5\u00ad\u0090\u00e5\u0084\u00bf-\u00e5\u00b0\u00b1\u00e7\u00ae\u0097\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e4\u00bb\u0080\u00e4\u00b9\u0088\u00e9\u0083\u00bd\u00e4\u00b8\u008d\u00e5\u0081\u009a\u00e4\u00b9\u009f\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e6\u00a0\u00b7\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008027. Tracers work both ways.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e6\u009b\u00b3\u00e5\u0085\u0089\u00e5\u00bc\u00b9\u00e5\u008f\u00af\u00e4\u00bb\u00a5\u00e5\u00b8\u00ae\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e6\u0089\u00be\u00e5\u0088\u00b0\u00e6\u0095\u008c\u00e8\u00b8\u00aa\u00ef\u00bc\u009b\u00e4\u00bd\u0086\u00e4\u00b9\u009f\u00e4\u00bc\u009a\u00e8\u00ae\u00a9\u00e6\u0095\u008c\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00e6\u0089\u00be\u00e5\u0088\u00b0\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008028. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is imcoming friendly fire.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e5\u0094\u00af\u00e4\u00b8\u0080\u00e6\u00af\u0094\u00e6\u0095\u008c\u00e7\u0081\u00ab\u00e8\u00bf\u0098\u00e5\u0087\u0086\u00e7\u00a1\u00ae\u00ef\u00bc\u0088\u00e8\u0080\u008c\u00e4\u00b8\u0094\u00e4\u00bc\u009a\u00e5\u00ae\u00b0\u00e6\u008e\u0089\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00ef\u00bc\u0089\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e5\u008f\u008b\u00e5\u0086\u009b\u00e7\u0082\u00ae\u00e7\u0081\u00ab\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008029. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e5\u00bd\u0093\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e9\u0098\u00b2\u00e5\u00ae\u0088\u00e4\u00b8\u00a5\u00e5\u00af\u0086\u00e5\u0088\u00b0\u00e6\u0095\u008c\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00e6\u0094\u00bb\u00e4\u00b8\u008d\u00e8\u00bf\u009b\u00e6\u009d\u00a5\u00e6\u0097\u00b6\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e9\u0082\u00a3\u00e5\u00be\u0080\u00e5\u00be\u0080\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e8\u0087\u00aa\u00e5\u00b7\u00b1\u00e4\u00b9\u009f\u00e4\u00bc\u009a\u00e5\u0087\u00ba\u00e4\u00b8\u008d\u00e5\u008e\u00bb\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u008030. If you take more than your fair share of objectives,you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e5\u00a6\u0082\u00e6\u009e\u009c\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e6\u008a\u00a2\u00e6\u008a\u00a5\u00e6\u0088\u0098\u00e5\u008a\u009f\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e9\u0082\u00a3\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00e4\u00b9\u009f\u00e4\u00bc\u009a\u00e6\u009c\u0089\u00e6\u009b\u00b4\u00e5\u00a4\u009a\u00e7\u009b\u00ae\u00e6\u00a0\u0087\u00e5\u00be\u0097\u00e6\u0089\u0093\u00e3\u0080\u0082\u00ef\u00bc\u0088\u00e4\u00b8\u008a\u00e7\u00ba\u00a7\u00e8\u00b6\u008a\u00e7\u009c\u008b\u00e9\u0087\u008d\u00e4\u00bd\u00a0\u00ef\u00bc\u0089 \u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\r\n31. When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose,they are both right.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e5\u00bd\u0093\u00e4\u00b8\u00a4\u00e5\u0086\u009b\u00e9\u0083\u00bd\u00e8\u00a7\u0089\u00e5\u00be\u0097\u00e8\u0087\u00aa\u00e5\u00b7\u00b1\u00e5\u00bf\u00ab\u00e8\u00be\u0093\u00e6\u0097\u00b6\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e9\u0082\u00a3\u00e4\u00bb\u0096\u00e4\u00bb\u00ac\u00e9\u0083\u00bd\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e5\u00af\u00b9\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n\r\n32. Professional soldiers are predictable but the world is full of amateurs.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e4\u00b8\u0093\u00e4\u00b8\u009a\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e5\u00a3\u00ab\u00e5\u0085\u00b5\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e5\u008f\u00af\u00e9\u00a2\u0084\u00e6\u00b5\u008b\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00ef\u00bc\u009b\u00e4\u00bd\u0086\u00e4\u00b8\u0096\u00e4\u00b8\u008a\u00e5\u008d\u00b4\u00e5\u0085\u0085\u00e6\u00bb\u00a1\u00e4\u00ba\u0086\u00e8\u008f\u009c\u00e9\u00b8\u009f\u00e3\u0080\u0082\r\n33. Murphy was a grunt.\r\n\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e3\u0080\u0080\u00e8\u008e\u00ab\u00e9\u009d\u009e\u00e6\u0098\u00af\u00e4\u00b8\u00aa\u00e4\u00b9\u00a1\u00e5\u00b7\u00b4\u00e4\u00bd\u00ac",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16239,
"title": "\u00e7\u00be\u008e\u00e5\u009b\u00bd\u00e5\u0086\u009b\u00e9\u0098\u009f\u00e7\u009b\u009b\u00e4\u00bc\u00a0\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e8\u008e\u00ab\u00e9\u009d\u009e\u00e5\u00ae\u009a\u00e5\u00be\u008b"
},
{
"body": "BASIC: Bill''s Attempt to Seize Industry Control\u00ef\u00bc\u0088\u00e6\u00af\u0094\u00e5\u00b0\u0094\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e4\u00bc\u0081\u00e5\u009b\u00be\u00ef\u00bc\u009a\u00e5\u00a4\u00ba\u00e5\u008f\u0096\u00e5\u00b7\u00a5\u00e4\u00b8\u009a\u00e6\u008e\u00a7\u00e5\u0088\u00b6\u00ef\u00bc\u0089\r\nISDN: It Still Does Nothing\u00ef\u00bc\u0088\u00e5\u00ae\u0083\u00e4\u00bb\u008d\u00e7\u0084\u00b6\u00e4\u00bb\u0080\u00e4\u00b9\u0088\u00e9\u0083\u00bd\u00e4\u00b8\u008d\u00e5\u0081\u009a\u00ef\u00bc\u0089\r\nDOS: Defunct Operating System\u00ef\u00bc\u0088\u00e5\u00b7\u00b2\u00e6\u00ad\u00bb\u00e4\u00ba\u00a1\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e6\u0093\u008d\u00e4\u00bd\u009c\u00e7\u00b3\u00bb\u00e7\u00bb\u009f\u00ef\u00bc\u0089\r\nMACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs\u00ef\u00bc\u0088\u00e5\u00a4\u00a7\u00e9\u0083\u00a8\u00e5\u0088\u0086\u00e5\u008a\u009f\u00e8\u0083\u00bd\u00e5\u00b4\u00a9\u00e6\u00ba\u0083\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e5\u00a6\u0082\u00e6\u009e\u009c\u00e6\u00b2\u00a1\u00e6\u009c\u0089\u00ef\u00bc\u008c\u00e5\u0088\u0099\u00e6\u0093\u008d\u00e4\u00bd\u009c\u00e7\u00b3\u00bb\u00e7\u00bb\u009f\u00e6\u008c\u0082\u00e8\u00b5\u00b7\u00ef\u00bc\u0089\r\nWINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System\u00ef\u00bc\u0088\u00e5\u00b0\u0086\u00e5\u009c\u00a8\u00e6\u0089\u0080\u00e6\u009c\u0089\u00e7\u00b3\u00bb\u00e7\u00bb\u009f\u00e4\u00b8\u00ad\u00e5\u00ae\u0089\u00e8\u00a3\u0085\u00e6\u0097\u00a0\u00e7\u0094\u00a8\u00e6\u0095\u00b0\u00e6\u008d\u00ae\u00ef\u00bc\u0089\r\nMICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers\u00ef\u00bc\u0088\u00e5\u00a4\u00a7\u00e9\u0083\u00a8\u00e5\u0088\u0086\u00e8\u0081\u00aa\u00e6\u0098\u008e\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e7\u0094\u00a8\u00e6\u0088\u00b7\u00e8\u00ae\u00a4\u00e8\u00af\u0086\u00e5\u0088\u00b0\u00e6\u0088\u0091\u00e4\u00bb\u00ac\u00e7\u009a\u0084\u00e8\u00bd\u00af\u00e4\u00bb\u00b6\u00e4\u00bb\u0085\u00e4\u00bb\u0085\u00e6\u00ac\u00ba\u00e9\u00aa\u0097\u00e5\u00b9\u00b4\u00e8\u00bd\u00bb\u00e4\u00ba\u00ba\u00ef\u00bc\u0089",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16240,
"title": "\u00e8\u008b\u00b1\u00e6\u0096\u0087\u00e6\u009b\u00b2\u00e8\u00a7\u00a3"
},
{
"body": "There once was a bus staion named Ureliar (You-Really-\r\nAre), a man went to the station and waited for his train, he waited and a man came up to him and said,\"Hey,my name is Emabuthed (I'm-A-Butt-Head), what's the name of the station?\" \"Ureliar?\" replied the man.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16242,
"title": "The Bus Station"
},
{
"body": "My uncle (Dan) and his best friend (Erik) have an April Fool month every April. Each plays one major prank on the other during the month - neither know when they will be pranked or what will happen when they are. Here are a couple of the things that they have done to each other:\r\n\r\n1. One year Erik took police caution tape and completely wraped Dan's jeep up in it. He took the tape over and under the jeep so that the only visible parts of the car were the tires. He then took the tape across the street and into the house to his bedroom door. When Dan woke up and followed the tape to his front door he saw his entire jeep in yellow tape!\r\n\r\n2. Another year Dan entered an ad in the pets section for a 'dog' looking for a home the dog was \"female, name: Coleen, good with kids, has red hair, happy, loving, looking for a good family.\" Erik got so many phone calls for this friendly 'dog' named Coleen that he had to disconnect his phone for 2 weeks! It gets better; Coleen is his girlfriend and when one guy called, my aunt answered the phone pretending to be Coleen the man was so embarrassed he quickly said, \"I'm soo sorry,\" then hung the phone up.\r\n\r\n3. One other year Erik was pulled over by a cop as he was leaving Dan's house, put in handcuffs and put in the back of a cop car, told his rights and told he could make one phone call after he was in the back of the cop car. He called Dan since he was just leaving Dan's house. Dan rushed up the street and when the cop opened the car door he said, \"What's wrong?\" Of course Erik didn't know what was going on, and by now needed another pair of pants. Dan said \"April Fool!\" and Erik was released from the car and allowed to go back home. My uncle had a cop friend who had agreed to arrest Erik falsely for Dan as a joke. My brother was hiding in the bushes the whole time videotaping the whole thing!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16243,
"title": "April Fools"
},
{
"body": "When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we get married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance.\r\n\r\nWhat do women want to be liberated from?",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16244,
"title": "Hatched, Matched, and Despatched"
},
{
"body": "The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.\r\n\r\n\"How are you, darling?\" it said. \"What kind of a day are you having?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, mother,\" said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, \"I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight.\"\r\n\r\nThe mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, darling,\" she said, \"sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.\"\r\n\r\n\"George?\" said the housewife. \"Who's George?\"\r\n\"Why, George! Your husband!... Isn't this 223-1374?\"\r\n\"No, this is 232-1374.\"\r\n\"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number.\"\r\nThere was a short pause and the housewife said,\r\n\r\n\"Does this mean you're not coming over?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16245,
"title": "Isn't This . . .?"
},
{
"body": "A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.\r\n\r\n\"Afraid not,\" said the farmer.\r\n\r\n\"I'll give you a thousand bucks!\" said the city fella.\r\n\r\n\"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good,\" replied the farmer.\r\n\r\n\"I know horses, and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, all right, if you want him so bad.\"\r\n\r\nThe next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. \"You sold me a blind horse!\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" said the farmer, \"I told you he didn't look too good.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16246,
"title": "A Good-looking Horse"
},
{
"body": "A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results.\r\n\r\nSome time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill. Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered.\r\n\r\nAfter the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.\r\n\r\n\"Okay,\" he said, \"Just drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 16247,
"title": "Putting One's Foot In It!"
},
{
"body": "This guy couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so he called the airlines to get prices.\r\n\r\n\"Airfare to Denver is $300,\" said a cheery salesperson.\r\n\"And what about Salt Lake City?\"\r\n\r\n\"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake - $99.00, but there is a stopover.\"\r\n\"Where?\"\r\n\r\n\"Denver.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16248,
"title": "A Really Great Rate"
},
{
"body": "A man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat, and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free - but then he felt sorry for the snake.\r\n\r\nHe looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of bourbon, so he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds. He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.\r\n\r\nWith stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16249,
"title": "Good Deed Indeed"
},
{
"body": "When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16250,
"title": "Don't Forget to Remember"
},
{
"body": "--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nThere's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician \"I want to go to the moon\". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says \"I want to go to Mars\". He says she can go next week. The blonde says \"I want to go to the sun\". The flight technician says, \"Don't you know you'll burn up?\" The blonde says \"Well then I'll go at night.\"\r\n\r\n\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nA beautiful blonde lady stepped onto a plane going to L.A. and sat down in first class. The flight attendant proceeded to go around the airplane checking the ticket stubs of each passenger to make sure they were all in the right seats. When she got to the Blonde woman she noticed that it was for Coach seating, not first class. She tells the woman, \"You're ticket says coach maam and we have a full flight today. I'm going to have to ask you to move.\" To which the blonde replies, \"You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class.\" Confused, the stewardess gets her supervisor. Again, she tells the woman that she must move. Again, the blonde replies, \"You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful, I'm going to L.A. and I'm getting there in first class.\" Also confused, they go get the captain. He tells the woman that she must move. The blonde starts to say, \"You don't understand, I'm blonde, beautiful...\" when he interrupts and asks, \"Can I whisper something in your ear?\" \"Sure\" she replies and he proceeds to whisper something in her ear. Suddenly she gets up and goes back to coach seating with a look of surprise on her face. The flight attendants are startled. \"How did you get her to move?\" \"I told her that first class wasn't going to L.A.\"\r\n\r\n\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nA blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, \"Doc, I hurt all over.\" The doctor is really confused. He says, \"What do you mean, you hurt all over?\" The blonde says, \"I'll show you.\"\r\n\r\nShe then touches herself on her leg. \"OW!!! I hurt there.\" Then she touches her earlobe. \"OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!\" Then she touches her hair. \"OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!\" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, \"Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?\" The blonde says \"Yes, why?\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor says, \"Well, you got a broken finger...\"\r\n\r\n\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nA young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.\r\n\r\nHe's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, \"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?\" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.\r\n\r\n\"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community,\" she continued,\r\n\"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor.\"\r\n\r\nFlustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, \"You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!\"\r\n\r\n\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nA man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.\r\n\r\nA beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. \"I feel terrible,\" he explains, \"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde says, \"Don't worry.\" She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of\r\nthem and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and\r\nagain and again, until he hops out of sight.\r\n\r\nThe man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, \"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?\" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, \"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16255,
"title": "The Blonde & The Rabbit"
},
{
"body": "The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway, and after a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.\r\n\r\nUndaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.\r\n\r\n\"How did you manage to find it, Mom?\" the teenager asked.\r\n\r\n\"We weren't looking for the same thing,\" she replied. \"You were looking for a small piece of plastic; I was looking for $150.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16262,
"title": "In the Eye of the Beholder"
},
{
"body": "A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, \"Hey Tommy, wanna play house?\" He says, \"Sure! What do you want me to do?\"\r\n\r\nThe girl replies, \"I want you to communicate your thoughts.\" \r\n\r\n\"Communicate my thoughts?\" said a bewildered Tommy. \"I have no idea what you mean.\"\r\n\r\nThe little girl smirks and says, \"Perfect. You can be the husband.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16263,
"title": "The Little Communicators"
},
{
"body": "Pat and Mick decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Pat gets called in for his interview.\r\n\r\nThe boss asks Pat if he had worked underground mines before, and Pat replies, \"Yes, of course I have.\"\r\n\r\nThe boss asks him how deep under ground he worked, and Pat says, \"Oh, about 8 to 10 feet.\" The boss says, \"Mines are a lot deeper than that; get out of here - you're no miner!\"\r\n\r\nOn his way out, Pat tells Mick to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. \r\n\r\nMick gets called in. The boss asks Mick if he had worked underground mines before, to which Mick says, \"Oh sure.\"\r\n\r\nThe boss asks how deep underground he worked, and Mick says, \"I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground.\"\r\n\r\nThe boss says, \"20,000 feet, wow! That is incredible! What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?\"\r\n\r\nMick says, \"Oh, I didn't need lights, I worked on the day shift!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16265,
"title": "Mine, All Mine!"
},
{
"body": "The Christian missionary was making his first visit to a tribe in Borneo.\r\n\r\nThe missionary asked the chief, \"Do you people know anything about religion?\"\r\n\r\nAfter a pause, the chief answered, \"We got a little taste of it when the last missionary was here.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 16266,
"title": "Fine Young Cannibals"
},
{
"body": "What's invisible and very frightened?\r\n\r\nA ghost with the sheet scared out of him.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16267,
"title": "Invisible"
},
{
"body": "Billy Bob caught his friend Bubba searching high and low all around his living room.\r\n\r\nBilly Bob said, \"What are you searching for?\" Bubba replies, \"Hidden cameras!\" \"And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?\" says Billy Bob.\r\n\r\nBubba said, \"That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why, every few minutes he says, 'You are watching MTV!' How does he know that?\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 16268,
"title": "Big Brother"
},
{
"body": "Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.\r\n\r\nOne day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.\r\n\r\nThe day of delivery arrived, and both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, \"I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!\"\r\n\r\nThe partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.\r\n\r\n\"What happened?\" asked the waiting car occupant.\r\n\r\nThe other partner announced, \"They were twins and mine died!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 16269,
"title": "With Friends Like That . . ."
},
{
"body": "Each day when I would come home from work I would drop to my knees and ask my 4-year-old son if he wanted to box. I wanted him to learn how to protect himself, so we would spar around for a few minutes before supper.\r\n\r\nOne day my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was friendly and allowed my son to try on several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home and he replied, \"Yes.\" The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, \"Do you want a box?\"\r\n\r\nOur son stood up and punched him right on the nose.\r\n\r\nAfter grabbing our son we had to spend the next several minutes explaining why this happened. Luckily, our salesman was the father of a 4-year-old.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16271,
"title": "The New Shoes"
},
{
"body": "\"So,\" Jane asked the detective she had hired. \"Did you trail my husband?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, ma'am, I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment.\"\r\n\r\nA big smile crossed Jane's face. \"Aha! I've got him!\" she said gloating, \"Is there any doubt what he was doing?\"\r\n\r\n\"No ma'am,\" replied the sleuth, \"It's pretty clear that he was following you.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16272,
"title": "The Biter Bit"
},
{
"body": "Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him.\r\n\r\nFor a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth, with Tom even keeping a log of the \"conversation.\"\r\n\r\nJust as Tom thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with next-door neighbour's wife.\r\n\r\n\"My husband spends his nights . . . calling out to owls,\" said Mrs. Rowe.\r\n\r\n\"That's odd,\" Mrs. Hollis replied. \"So does my John.\"\r\n\r\nThen it dawned on them.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16273,
"title": "Who Gives a Hoot?"
},
{
"body": "A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party.\r\n\r\nThe next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.\r\n\r\nAt 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, \"What time did you get in last night?\"\r\n\r\n\"Not too late, Dad,\" she replied nervously.\r\n\r\nDead-pan, her father said, \"Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16274,
"title": "Tired Out?"
},
{
"body": "One day, early in the morning, a naked man was lying on a beach reading the newspaper. He saw a little girl skipping towards him. Quickly he covered himself with the newspaper just as the little girl spotted him. She comes by him and says,\"Good morning, What's under the newspaper?\" The man replied,\"A birdie!\" The little girl started dancing and said,\"Can I see it.\" The man Quickly snaps,\"NO! It's sleeping.\" The little girl skips away ad the man falls asleep. After a few hours he wakes up and notices he's in the hospital. He calls over the doctor and asks why he was in the hospital. The doctor replies,\"Ask that little girl.\" The little girl shyly goes over and says,\"I was playing with the birdie, it spit on me, so i broke its neck, cracked its eggs and sets it nest on fire.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16276,
"title": "Don't Fall Asleep at the Beach"
},
{
"body": "My mother has a \"lead foot,\" so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.\r\n\r\nHoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.\r\n\r\n\"I have never been stopped like this before,\" she said to the officer.\r\n\r\n\"What do they usually do, ma'am?\" he asked, \"shoot the tires out?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16277,
"title": "This is My FIRST Time"
},
{
"body": "An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.\r\n\r\nEvery day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes there. About two months later, a priest saw the old man there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.\r\n\r\n\"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you.\"\r\n\r\n\"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16278,
"title": "Man's Best Friend"
},
{
"body": "For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.\r\n\r\nAfter buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, \"The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, sir,\" the attendant replied with a grin, \"you're really going to enjoy yourself - we have sound now.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16279,
"title": "The Cost of Modern Living"
},
{
"body": "One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting on a bench by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, \"Hey, Mamacita, let's do Weeweechu.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, no, not now, let's look at the moon!\" said Rosita.\r\n\"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time,\" Pedro begged.\r\n\r\n\"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon,\" replied Rosita. \"Please, corazoncita, just once, do Weeweechu with me.\"\r\n\r\nRosita looked at Pedro and said, \"OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.\"\r\n\r\nPedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang .....\r\n\"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Jear.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16280,
"title": "Weeweechu"
},
{
"body": "You are young and beautiful, have 2 university degrees, and are fluent in 3 languages. \r\nYou have long blonde hair, long legs and a killer smile and you want to earn a salary no less than 100 000$ per year. That's nice. But we need a plumber.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16281,
"title": "Job Advertisment"
},
{
"body": "Almost two hours into the Clemens and McNamee hearing, some interesting quotes can be found. (Credits to Yahoo! Sports, and 'Duk)\r\n\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 \"Mr. Clemens bled through his designer pants.\"\r\n\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 \"Mr. Clemens, do you recall any bleeding through your pants in 2001?\"\r\n\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 \"Those little band-aids for his butt, if it bled.\"\r\n\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 \"Mr. Clemens, according to your account, Mr. McNamee injected your wife in your bedroom without your knowledge.\"\r\n\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 \"That said there was a palpable mass on the right buttock of Mr. Clemens. On another record, it also noticed a similar mass on the left buttock.\"\r\n\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u00a2 \"That was a hurried instance when we were in the closet.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16283,
"title": "Funny Quotes"
},
{
"body": "Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought a pair of earmuffs for his foreman. One cold, blustery day, he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing them. In fact, he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen the man wear the earmuffs.\r\n\r\nWalking up to his foreman, he asked, \"Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, they were a thing of beauty and kept my ears nice and toasty warm!\"\r\n\r\n\"Then why aren't you wearing them?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, I did wear them that first cold day, but then someone offered me a drink and I didn't hear him!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 16285,
"title": "Say What?"
},
{
"body": "A new bride told her husband she was concerned that their honeymoon suite in the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C., might still be bugged from the Watergate scandal days.\r\n\r\nThe groom agreed to check it out.\r\n\r\nHe looked behind the drapes, he looked behind the pictures, he looked behind the mirrors, he looked under the rug and... \"HEY!\" he shouted.\r\n\r\nUnder the rug was a small plate with four screws! He unscrewed the screws with his knife and threw them and the plate out the window. \"There, that takes care of any bugs,\" he reassured his new bride. And the couple quickly jumped in bed and did what newlyweds do.\r\n\r\nThe next morning, the hotel manager knocked on their door and asked the couple, \"Was your stay satisfactory? How was the service? Did you enjoy your room?\"\r\n\r\nThe groom said, \"Fine. Why do you ask?\"\r\n\r\nThe manager said, \"Because, last night, the couple in the room under yours had their chandelier fall on them!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16286,
"title": "The Search For Bugs"
},
{
"body": "A family was traveling across country, and were on their first stop for gas. Getting out to stretch their legs, they walked into the gas station and began to look at the various items that were placed around them.\r\n\r\nThe son goes over to a rack of books, and picks up one and laughs. \"'Cooking With Mormons.' We should definitely get this one,\" he sarcastically stated.\r\n\r\nThe father grabbed it from his hands and stared at it for a minute, then said, \"Maybe it'll tell us how to cook them right.\" The son looked confused and said blankly \"Who?\" \r\n\r\n\"The Mormons, of course,\" was his reply.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 16288,
"title": "Am I Cooking Them Right?"
},
{
"body": "How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\n1. No, 2, no, 4, no, 8, no, 16, 32, 64, 128 . . .",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 16289,
"title": "Amoebas"
},
{
"body": "How many movie stars does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nOnly one, but he takes one step up the ladder and then his stunt double takes over!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 16290,
"title": "Movie Stars II"
},
{
"body": "BLONDE #1: I found some jokes about us blondes online. They're inaccurate! They make us look-\r\nBLONDE #2:Ugly?\r\nBLONDE #3:Fat?\r\nBLONDE #4:Lazy?\r\nBLONDE #5:Mean?\r\nBLONDE #1:No, stupidly funny.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16292,
"title": "Joke About Blondes"
},
{
"body": "One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. \r\n \r\nSomeone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' \r\n\r\nMy Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?? \r\n\r\nMoral: beware of toddlers bearing tea!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16293,
"title": "Cute Story"
},
{
"body": "An elderly couple was having a conversation, and the wife asked her husband a simple question :- \"Boxers or briefs?\"\r\n\r\nHer husband replied :- \"Depends.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16294,
"title": "Elderly Couple"
},
{
"body": "Three kids were walking on a beach looking for shells when one of them finds a magic lamp. They rub it, and the genie that comes out said that each could fall into a pit of whatever they desired. The first guy said \"Money and treasure\" and then he was poofed into a pit of money and treasure. The second guy said \"Pleasure, happiness, and electronics\" and then he was poofed into a pit of pleasure, happiness, and electonics. Then the third guy (who was stupid and swore/cussed a lot) said \"Ah CRAP!!! Those were my ideas!\" and then he was poofed intoa pile of crap (or faeces, or poop, whichever you prefer calling it!)!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16296,
"title": "This Should Teach You Not to Swear/cuss!!!"
},
{
"body": "After failing his \"Logistics and Organization\" exam, a student confronted his professor.\r\n\r\n\"Sir, do you understand anything about this subject?\"\r\n\r\n\"Of course, otherwise I would not be a professor!\"\r\n\r\n\"Really? Then allow me to ask you one question. If you answer it correctly, I'll accept my failing grade and leave quietly, but if you don't know the answer, I want an 'A' on my exam.\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay, it's a deal. What's your question?\"\r\n\r\n\"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?\"\r\n\r\nAfter long consideration, the professor conceded and changed the student's score to an \"A.\"\r\n\r\nAfterwards, the professor asked one of his best students the same question.\r\n\r\nThe good student answered immediately: \"Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35-year-old woman which is legal but not logical; your wife has a 22-year-old lover which is logical but not legal - and the fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A' when he should have failed is neither legal nor logical!\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 16298,
"title": "Legal / Logical"
},
{
"body": "California Version\r\n\r\nThe latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:\r\n\r\n29% of respondents answered: \"Yes, it is a serious problem.\"\r\n\r\n71% of respondents answered: \"No es un problema serio.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16302,
"title": "Immigration - Problem, or Not? I"
},
{
"body": "2. Australia Version\r\n\r\nA recent survey in Australia asked the following question: \r\n\r\nAre there too many foreigners in this country now?\r\n\r\nAnswer:\r\n\r\n18% said: YES\r\n\r\n82% said: \u00d9\u0085\u00d8\u00b9\u00d9\u0087\u00d8\u00af \u00d8\u00a7\u00d9\u0084\u00d8\u00a3\u00d9\u0085\u00d9\u0086 \u00d8\u00a7\u00d9\u0084\u00d8\u00b9\u00d8\u00a7\u00d9\u0084\u00d9\u0085\u00d9\u008a \u00d8\u00a8\u00d9\u0088\u00d8\u00a7! \u00d8\u00b4\u00d9\u0086",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16303,
"title": "Immigration - Problem, or Not? II"
},
{
"body": "One day at Lee Elementary in the 1st grade hallway a little boy named Chris(kid #2 from my spoiled brat joke) and another child name sarah are walking down the hall way.\r\n\r\n\r\n(sarah and chris bump into each other)\r\n\r\nsarah:watch it doo doo head.\r\n\r\nchris:you watch it cootie pants.\r\n\r\nsarah:who are you calling cootie pants,freckle face.\r\n\r\nchris:you,little miss bucktooth.\r\n\r\nsarah:well you're nothing but a ugly butt.\r\n\r\nchris:why don't you shut the hell up you god damn mother fucking bitch ass whore.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16304,
"title": "Little Kid Insults"
},
{
"body": "A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.\r\n\r\n\"So,\" said the counsellor, \"you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally.\"\r\n\r\nThe wife flared up. \"You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" said the counsellor. \"He gets $2,000, you get $2,000.\"\r\n\r\n\"What about my furniture? I paid for that.\"\r\n\r\n\"Same thing,\" answered the counsellor. \"Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen.\"\r\n\r\nThere was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. \"What about our three children?\"\r\n\r\nThat stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. \"Go back and live together until your fourth child is born - then you take two children and your husband takes two.\"\r\n\r\nThe wife shook her head. \"No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I've got.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16313,
"title": "Mariage Counsler"
},
{
"body": "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.\r\nTeach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.\r\nGive a man a fire, he's warm for a day.\r\nSet a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16322,
"title": "Give a Man a Fish"
},
{
"body": "How Greeks Do Business\r\n\r\nCON talks to his son George.\r\n\r\nCON (father): \"I want you to marry a girl of my choice.\"\r\nGEORGE (son): \"I will choose my own bride!\"\r\nCON (father): \"But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter..\"\r\nGEORGE (son): \"Well, in that case... okay.\"\r\n\r\nNext CON approaches Bill Gates.\r\n\r\nCON (father): \"I have a husband for your daughter.... \"\r\nBill Gates: \"But my daughter is too young to marry!\"\r\nCON (father): \"But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.\"\r\nBill Gates: \"Ah! In that case... okay.\"\r\n\r\nFinally, CON goes to see the president of the World Bank.\r\n\r\nCON: \"I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.\"\r\nPresident: \"But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!\"\r\nCON: \"But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.\"\r\nPresident: \"Ah, in that case... okay.\"\r\n\r\nAnd that is how Greeks do business.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16329,
"title": "How Greeks Do Business"
},
{
"body": "I asked my girl-friend what she would like for her birthday, and she said she would like a green jumper.\r\n\r\nSo I bought her a frog.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16330,
"title": "The Green Jumper"
},
{
"body": "Many of you may be too young to remember U.S. comedian Sam Levenson; he was popular from the 1940s through the mid-1960s. Levenson said things that made sense and it would be a shame if they faded into oblivion, so here are a few of his \"nuggets\" worth assaying.\r\n\r\n1. The first screw to get loose in your head is the one that holds your tongue in place.\r\n\r\n2. You're only young once. After that it takes some other excuse for behaving like an idiot.\r\n\r\n3. Even if the majority agrees on an idiotic idea, it is still an idiotic idea.\r\n\r\n4. There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money.\r\n\r\n5. On sex education in schools: Let them teach it! If the schools teach sex the way they teach everything else, the kids will lose interest anyhow.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16332,
"title": "Sam Levenson"
},
{
"body": "The judge read the charges, then asked: \"Are you the defendant in this case?\"\r\n\r\n\"No, your honor,\" replied Tommy. \"I've got a lawyer to do the defending. I'm the person who did it.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 16333,
"title": "Well, Hush My Mouth!"
},
{
"body": "One day Jack's dad bought a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.\r\n\r\nJack returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, \"Son, why are you late from school?\" Jack answered, \"Dad, we had extra classes today.\"\r\n\r\nMuch to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Jack on his face.\r\n\r\nHis dad told him that the robot was special in that it could detect a lie, and would then slap the person who lied. \r\n\r\n\"Now, come on, tell me the truth. Why are you late?\"\r\n\r\n\"Dad, I went to see a movie.\"\r\n\r\n\"Which movie?\"\r\n\r\n\"The Ten Commandments.\"\r\n\r\nSplat, Jack got a tight slap on the face from the robot.\r\n\r\n\"No, Dad, honest I went to see the movie Sex Queen.\"\r\n\r\n\"Shame on you son, when I was your age I never used to do such terrible things.\"\r\n\r\nSplat, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.\r\n\r\nHearing all this, Jack's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying,\r\n\r\n\"After all, he is your son, he will be like you.\"\r\n\r\nThe robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Jack's mother's face.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 16334,
"title": "Jack's Dad's Robot"
},
{
"body": "A salesman was traveling through the countryside, flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.\r\n\"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it.\"\r\nThe farmer was dubious. \r\n\"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you, and get everyone in the county to buy a case. We will make you rich.\" \r\nThe salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.\r\nBack to the house went the farmer. \r\nThe next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.\r\nSure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him - yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn - but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed.\r\n\"Son,\" he said, \"Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?\"\r\nThe salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,\r\n\"Doesn't that calf have a mother?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16337,
"title": "He's Bugging Me!"
},
{
"body": "There were some kids playing hopscotch and they were allowed to skip so when the winner was on 8 it went straight to 10",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16338,
"title": "Hopscotch"
},
{
"body": "once a women was in her home and she heard someone go knock-knock. she said, who's their and the voice said tisha the women said tisha who the voice said tisha me my abcs and she was like is that a ghost. the voice said, i'm your cousin \r\nand it was a knock-knock joke. oh the woman said",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 16340,
"title": "The Knocks"
},
{
"body": "There once was a President who had a law that evryone had to laugh once a hour or they spent an hour in jail.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16341,
"title": "President Fun"
},
{
"body": "A blonde and her husband go to buy her new clothes. First, they decide she needs a new shirt, so they go through a few shirts but she rejects them all. Finally she points at one that she likes, but he thinks it is ugly, so he says no. They go through almost the whole store, and she says no to all of the shirts. Bored and annoyed, the husband finally goes up to the shirt she likes and generously \"Fine, do you want this polo shirt?\" The wife thinks for a few seconds and says \"Oh, it's Apollo shirt? In that case no, I'm really not into mythology.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16352,
"title": "Shopping"
},
{
"body": "Give me food and I will live.\r\nGive me water and I will die.\r\nWhat or who am I?\r\n(Scroll down)\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA fire",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16353,
"title": "Don't Give Me Food... Give Me Water"
},
{
"body": "Policeman to woman he's just stopped for speeding - \"As soon as I saw you coming round the corner, I said to myself, 'Must be 55 at least'.\"\r\n\r\n\"It's this dress, officer - it always make me look older!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16354,
"title": "What Shall I Wear Today?"
},
{
"body": "What do you call an intelligent, good looking and sensitive man?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nA rumour",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16355,
"title": "Perfect Man"
},
{
"body": "\"The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends,\" the girl told her Aunt. \"Now I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?\"\r\n\r\nThe wise old lady smiled and said, \"The same as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16356,
"title": "Lover / Friend"
},
{
"body": "Two blondes are racing down a bumpy back road in a car down to a bank they're going to rob. \r\n\r\n\"Drive slower\" pleads the blonde in the passenger seat, \"I don't want all the nitro in the boot to explode.\"\r\n\r\n\"Relax,\" the driver replies, \"even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat . . . \"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16359,
"title": "Bank Robbery"
},
{
"body": "\"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time in reading it.\" - Moses Hadas.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16364,
"title": "Your Book"
},
{
"body": "Soccer Coach: Why didn't you stop the ball?\r\nNew Goalie: I thought that was what the net was for!",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 16366,
"title": "The Idiot"
},
{
"body": "Brad: I have to take three courses in college; French, Spanish, and algebra\r\n\r\nChris: Okay, let me hear you say hi in algebra.",
"category": "College",
"id": 16367,
"title": "I Know Three Languages"
},
{
"body": "Larry: Yo momma so old her birth certificate said expired!\r\n\r\nJerry: You know, at least I have a mom!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16368,
"title": "Yo Momma So Old"
},
{
"body": "Brad: Chad, how does Sherlock Holmes sneeze?\r\n\r\nChad: A clue ! A clue!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16371,
"title": "How Does Sherlock Sneeze?"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Justin if I had ten tennis balls in one hand, and twelve in another what would I have?\r\n\r\nJustin: Huge hands sir",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 16372,
"title": "The Huged Handed Teacher"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so ugly she made a blind person cry!!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16373,
"title": "So Ugly"
},
{
"body": "The oldest Yo Momma joke in the book:\r\nYo momma so fat that she's fat.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16375,
"title": "The Oldest Joke"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Jackie, please use the word \"climate\" in a sentence\r\nplease. \r\n\r\nJackie: Sure, I have a cherry tree in my backyard, but my parents won't let me \"climate\"\r\n\r\nTeacher: That's correct!\r\n\r\nTeacher: Now, Luis use the word \"arrest\" in a sentence.\r\n\r\nLuis: Sure, after running a mile I need \"arrest\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16379,
"title": "The Word \"climate\" and \"arrest\""
},
{
"body": "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16384,
"title": "Good & Bad News"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so fat when she peed in China, she made the Yellow River!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16386,
"title": "Yo Momma So Fat!"
},
{
"body": "Because Lexus created the park it your self car many Mexicans lost their jobs.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 16388,
"title": "Why Mexicans Lost Their Jobs."
},
{
"body": "A blonde girl comes into her dad's room and tells her dad...\r\n\r\nAmanda: Dad, I'm glad you named me Amanda.\r\n\r\nDad: Why? \r\n\r\nAmanda: It's because that's what everyone calls me!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16393,
"title": "I'm Glad My Name is Amanda"
},
{
"body": "Ryan: Hey Philip, what's that on your leg?\r\n\r\nPhilip: A shoe! \r\n\r\nRyan: Gesundheit!\r\n\r\nPhilip: No, you idiot, a shoe!\r\n\r\nRyan: No need to thank me, gesundheit!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16394,
"title": "You're an Idiot!"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful blonde.\r\n\r\n\"I just got this amazing watch,\" he tells her, \"it can reads alpha waves, and can tell me what a person is thinking.\" \r\n\r\n\"What does it say about me?\" asked the blonde. \r\n\r\n\"It says you want to sleep with me,\" said the man. \r\n\r\n\"Sorry,\" said the blonde, \"I think your watch is broken.\" \r\n\r\n\"Hmmm,\" said the man, slowly examining the watch, \"It seems to be running an hour fast...\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16400,
"title": "An Hour Fast"
},
{
"body": "A dog goes up to a man with a pizza and starts whining for some.\r\n\r\nMan to Owner: Can I throw him a bit?\r\n\r\nOwner smiles proudly: Yes.\r\n\r\nThe man picks up the dog and throws him on the ground.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16405,
"title": "Throw the Dog"
},
{
"body": "Larry: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great Fall?\r\n\r\nMary: Because he had a bad summer.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16407,
"title": "Why Did Humpty Dumpty Have a Great Fall?"
},
{
"body": "Mom: Jimmy, did you pick up your room yet?\r\n\r\nJImmy: No mom, it's too heavy.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16408,
"title": "Did You Pick Up Your Room?"
},
{
"body": "A blond finished his English exam and came out.\r\n\r\nHis friends asked him how did he do in his exam; he replied, \"Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and at last I wrote THUNK!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16410,
"title": "Exam was Okay ..."
},
{
"body": "Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?\r\nBlonde: 9\r\nTeacher: What is 4 plus 5?\r\nBlonde: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure.\r\nThe answer is 6!!!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16411,
"title": "Fooling A Blonde"
},
{
"body": "\"What would you like to have; fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or coffee?\"\r\n\r\n\"Tea, please.\"\r\n\r\n\"Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?\"\r\n\r\n\"Ceylon tea.\"\r\n\r\n\"How would you like it? Black or white?\"\r\n\r\n\"White.\"\r\n\r\n\"Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?\"\r\n\r\n\"With milk, please.\"\r\n\r\n\"Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk?\"\r\n\r\n\"With cow milk, please.\"\r\n\r\n\"Milk from Friesland cow or African cow?\"\r\n\r\n\"Um, I'll take it black.\"\r\n\r\n\"Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?\"\r\n\r\n\"With sugar, please.\"\r\n\r\n\"Beet sugar or cane sugar?\"\r\n\r\n\"Cane sugar, please.\"\r\n\r\n\"White, brown or yellow sugar?\"\r\n\r\n\"Forget about tea, just give me a glass of water instead.\"\r\n\r\n\"Mineral water or still water?\"\r\n\r\n\"Mineral water, please.\"\r\n\r\n\"Flavored or non-flavored?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'd rather die of thirst!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16414,
"title": "Why You Should Never Go to a 5* Hotel"
},
{
"body": "Some Wocka jokes have been picked by the system as the \"joke of the day\".\r\n\r\nHowever, how can you know which day the joke was picked? \r\n\r\nSearching does not work, and it will be very tiring to browse page after page. \r\n\r\nLook at its comments and see in which day it received lots of comments!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16415,
"title": "Joke of the Day"
},
{
"body": "How many moves, at least, are required to stalemate in chess? \r\n\r\nNineteen moves. \r\n\r\n1.h4 h5\r\n2.c4 a5\r\n3.Qa4 Ra6\r\n4.Qxa5 Rah6\r\n5.Qxc7 f6\r\n6.Qxd7+ Kf7\r\n7.Qxb7 Qd3\r\n8.Qxb8 Qh7\r\n9.Qxc8 Kg6\r\n10.Qe6",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16416,
"title": "Shortest Stalemate"
},
{
"body": "How many moves, at least, are required to checkmate in chess?\r\n\r\nFour moves.\r\n\r\n1.f4 e5\r\n2.g4 Qh4#",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16417,
"title": "Shortest Checkmate"
},
{
"body": "How many diagonals does an N-polygon have? \r\n\r\nN(N-3)/2.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16418,
"title": "Diagonals of an N-polygon"
},
{
"body": "A man is just about to break a record. Suddenly, a dog jump up and bites him on the neck. \r\n\r\nQ: Is the dog owned by the former record keeper?\r\nA: Yes.\r\nQ: Did the former record keeper intend this to stop other people from breaking his record?\r\nA: Yes. \r\n\r\nThe murderer doesn't want other people to break his record. Therefore, he has trained his dog, so that when the dog hears someone speaking the last digits of pi that the murderer can recite, it will bite him to death.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16419,
"title": "Record Breaker"
},
{
"body": "What is 60 divided by 1/3rd? \r\n\r\nRead carefully. \r\n\r\nIf you think it's 180, then you're wrong! The answer is 20.\r\n\r\n3rd is 1/3.\r\n1/3rd is 1/(1/3), and therefore 3.\r\n60 divided by 3 is 20.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16420,
"title": "60 Divided By 1/3rd"
},
{
"body": "The median of the list n; n+3, n+4; n+5; n+6; n+8; n+10; n+12; n+15 is 10. What is the mean? \r\n\r\nWhat is the median and what is the mean? \r\n\r\nThere are 9 numbers, and the median is the 5th number n+6.\r\nCompare each number with the median, the mean is\r\n10+(-6-3-2-1+2+4+6+9)/9=11.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16421,
"title": "Median and Mean"
},
{
"body": "20 = best score in lowball bowling.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16422,
"title": "20 = B S in L B"
},
{
"body": "162 = worst score in golf.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16423,
"title": "162 = W S in G"
},
{
"body": "72 = best score in golf.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16424,
"title": "72 = B S in G"
},
{
"body": "In the school the biology teacher asks the class a question. \"Where is an elephant's sex organ?\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny, \"In his feet ma'am.\"\r\n\r\nTeacher, \"How come?\"\r\n\r\n\"If he steps on you, you're fucked.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16426,
"title": "Elephant"
},
{
"body": "Little Johnny's father asked him, \"Do you know about the birds and the bees?\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't want to know!\" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.\r\n\r\nConfused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.\r\n\r\n\"Oh dad,\" Little Johnny sobbed, \"At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16428,
"title": "Reason to Live"
},
{
"body": "The government has recently issued a statement saying that 18.9 percent of all statistics are false.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16435,
"title": "Statistics"
},
{
"body": "Aron: Throw all of your fish in the air.\r\n\r\nJake: Why?\r\n\r\nAron: So I can tell my mom I honestly caught them.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16438,
"title": "Throw the Fish!!"
},
{
"body": "Cinfuscious says : It is nice to meet a woman in the park but is better to park meat in a woman.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16439,
"title": "Confuscious Says"
},
{
"body": "Patient: Doctor, doctor, I know a person who is an owl. \r\n\r\nDoctor: Who?\r\n\r\nPatient: Now I know two.\r\n\r\n\r\nDoctor: \"Did you take the patient's temperature?\"\r\n\r\nNurse: \"No. Is it missing?\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 16440,
"title": "Doctor Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Sean: I've finally cleared my mind!\r\n\r\nDean: Does your new one work?",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16441,
"title": "I Cleared My Mind"
},
{
"body": "A man goes into a sportswear shop, and when a pretty blonde assistant asks him what he wants, he goes red in the face and stammers, \"A packet of condoms, please.\"\r\n\r\nThe assistant says, \"This is a sportswear shop, we don't sell condoms!\" and the man leaves.\r\n\r\nTwo days later, he's back. \"A packet of condoms, please.\" \"I've told you before, we don't sell condoms!\" and again, he gets all flustered and leaves hurriedly.\r\n\r\nThree days later, and he enters the shop again. This time, the manager is ready for him, and goes up to him, saying, \"We do NOT sell condoms!\" He blusters, and eventually admits, \"Actually, I'm after a Dallas Cowboys shirt, but I was just too embarrassed to ask for one!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16443,
"title": "Purchasing Condoms"
},
{
"body": "What's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang a hat on it?\r\n\r\nHis head!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16444,
"title": "What Were You Thinking?"
},
{
"body": "At a wedding, the D.J. polled the guests to see who had been married the longest.\r\n\r\nThe winners were then asked, \"What advice do you have for the newlyweds?\"\r\n\r\nThe wife quickly responded, \"The three most important words in a marriage are 'You're probably right'.\" Everyone then looked at the husband.\r\n\r\nHe said, \"Yeah, she's probably right!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16445,
"title": "Most Important"
},
{
"body": "\"Every day I live with fear, but occasionally I leave her and go drag racing.\"\r\n\r\n\"I like to snatch kisses and vice versa.\"\r\n\r\nSeen on an attractive and busty brunette: \"Size DOES matter!\"\r\n\r\nSeen on a different attractive and busty brunette: \"We could mate ...(picture of black widow spider) ... but then I'd have to kill you.\"\r\n\r\nSeen on a very overweight guy in a parking lot: \"I beat anorexia.\"\r\n\r\n\"Goal Of A Bitch: To dominate, control and destroy a man's finances, mental health, self-esteem and any hope for happiness.\" Seen being worn by one.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16446,
"title": "T-Shirt Messages V"
},
{
"body": "Four friends are at a bar one night when they spy a gorgeous woman sitting down at a table. They know they can't all have her so they decide to take turns trying to get the girl. The first friend walks up to the woman and says \"Is it hot in here or is it just you\"? The woman replies by turning away and the man plods back sadly to his friends. The second friend sits down next to her and very romantically states \"heaven must be missing an angel\". The lady tells him to leave so he goes back to sit with his friends. The third friend orders her a drink and sits down with her. He places his hand on her leg and before he can utter a word she calls security and he gets thrown out the bar. The fourth and final friend walks over to her table and bluntly says \"want to go have unprotected sex\"? They became married 2 months later.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 16448,
"title": "Wanna Have Sex?"
},
{
"body": "A guy is sitting with a woman at a bar late at night and they are flirting with each other. The lady tells him all about herself and the man sits there listening. After she is done, the man repeats what she said.\r\n\r\n\"So, you're a 20 year old college graduate from Harvard, a famous fashion model, you love video games and football, you like to do housework, you never complain, you don't own a cell phone, you're a virgin, your parents are dead and they left you loads of money, you have perfect teeth, shiny and smooth hair, no wrinkles or blemishes, you have 2% body fat, you're always willing to have sex, your brother is Peyton Manning, you have a hot bi-sexual roommate, and a 3 story house\". She nods her head, \"Yup, that's me\".\r\n\r\nThe man squints at her and asks, \"Is that pre-op or post-op?\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 16449,
"title": "Perfect Lady"
},
{
"body": "John had been working for an Advertising Firm for almost three years, and was getting a promotion, when his boss called him into his office.\r\n\r\n\"John, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to let you go. When I put you up for promotion, the company did a background check, and we found out that you got kicked out of Yale for lying about getting your diploma. I'm sorry, but I need you out within the hour.\" \r\n\r\n\"But I've been working so hard, I've been doing such good work,\" John said \r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry, John, but we can't have liars working for us.\"\r\n\r\n\"But this is an advertising firm!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16450,
"title": "The Advertiser"
},
{
"body": "A machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife, \"Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news, I got $25,000 severance pay!\"\r\n\r\nHis wife said, \"$25,000 in severance pay? That's great! So what's the bad news?\"\r\n\r\nHe said, \"Wait till you hear what was severed!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 16452,
"title": "The Unkindest Cut"
},
{
"body": "Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, a crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostles. \"Paul... Paul,\" He calls out.\r\n\r\nPaul hears his name and comes to the front of the gathering. \"Yes, Jesus, how may I serve you?\" he exclaims. Just then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying, \"No one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!\" \r\n\r\nJesus once again calls his name. \"Paul . . . Paul\", he calls. Paul, determined, goes to the front of the gathering again. There he meets the same guard who this time cuts off his left arm and both legs and throws him back into the crowd.\r\n\r\nJesus yells out once again, \"Paul . . . Paul.\" Paul, who is now lying on his back on the ground, attempts to roll to the front of the gathering. The guard, seeing this determination and devotion, finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of the crowd. Paul, with tears in his eyes, looks up to his saviour and speaks, \"Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?\"\r\n\r\nJesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and says, \"Oh nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house from here!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16453,
"title": "How Offensive is That?"
},
{
"body": "Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, \"Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.\" \r\n\r\nAfter several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. \"Let's call the boys Towards and Away,\" suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away. \r\n\r\nThe years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, \"Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea.\" They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. \r\n\r\nThe three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. \"My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?\" she cried. \r\n\r\nThe ragged fisherman began to tell his story: \"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.\" \r\n\r\n\"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!\" \r\n\r\n\"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away....\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16454,
"title": "Fisherman"
},
{
"body": "How many ventriloquists does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\nTwo - one to change the light bulb, and one to holg ge gottong og ge lagger.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 16458,
"title": "How Many Ventriloquists?"
},
{
"body": "What happens when a president gets elected in a year with a \"0\" at the end?\r\n\r\n1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)\r\n1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)\r\n1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)\r\n1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)\r\n1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)\r\n1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)\r\n1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)\r\n1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived assassination attempt)\r\n\r\nAnd to think that we had two guys duking it out in the courts to be the one elected in 2000!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16460,
"title": "Vote For ME!"
},
{
"body": "Who is the greatest prostitute in history? Ms.Pacman For 50 cents she'll swallow balls until she dies.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16461,
"title": "The Greatest"
},
{
"body": "A professional photographer, at a friend's house for dinner, was asked to show his portfolio from a recent overseas trip.\r\n\r\nHis friends were quite impressed.\r\n\r\n\"What wonderful photos!\" said the host's wife. \"You must have a very expensive camera.\"\r\n\r\nThe photographer just smiled and waited until after dinner, when he said, \"Thank you for the delicious meal. You must have very *expensive* pans!\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16462,
"title": "My Plates or Yours?"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nPoop!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 16466,
"title": "Classic"
},
{
"body": "A midget walks into a bar and trips over some sh*t left on the floor.\r\n\r\nLuckily no one saw him, so to avoid embarrassment, he doesn't make a fuss about it. So he goes to bar and orders a drink.\r\n\r\nA few minutes later a big fella comes to the bar and trips over the same piece of sh*t.\r\nThe midget smiles and says, \"I just did that\".\r\n\r\nSo the big fella comes over to the midget and knocks him out.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 16467,
"title": "Midget Walks Into a Bar"
},
{
"body": "Can You Decipher This Phrase?\r\n\r\nR R\r\nA\r\nY Y \r\n\r\nX-ray!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16473,
"title": "R R A Y Y"
},
{
"body": "Fill in the blank:\r\n\r\nThe one who says it cannot be done should never _________ the one who is doing it. \r\n\r\nInterrupt.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16474,
"title": "Should Never"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nHOT HOT\r\nHANDLE HANDLE \r\n\r\nToo hot to handle!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16475,
"title": "HOT HOT HANDLE HANDLE"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nE\r\nL\r\nG\r\nG\r\nU\r\nR\r\nT\r\nS \r\n\r\nUphill struggle!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16476,
"title": "E L G G U R T S"
},
{
"body": "Using the BrainTracker grid below, how many words can you find? Each word must contain the central W and no letter can be used twice, however, the letters do not have to be connected. Proper nouns are not allowed, however, plurals are. There is at least one nine letter word. Excellent: 23 words. Good: 18 words. Average: 15 words. \r\n\r\nCommon words: low, lower, lowlier, owe, owl, pew, pillow, power, prow, prowl, row, we, weir, well, will, willow, WILLPOWER, wipe, wiper, wire, woe, wore, wow.\r\n\r\nAll words: low, lowe, lower, lowlier, lwei, ow, owe, owl, pew, pillow, plew, plow, plower, pow, power, prow, prowl, row, rowel, we, weir, well, wile, will, willer, willow, willower, WILLPOWER, wipe, wiper, wire, wo, woe, wore, wow.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16477,
"title": "BrainTracker Grid"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nM L\r\n I K \r\n\r\nMilk shake!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16478,
"title": "M L I K"
},
{
"body": "Fill in the blanks such that the second blank is the reverse action of the first one:\r\n\r\nThe famous musician Mozart ________ symphonies when he was alive and __________ after he died. \r\n\r\nComposed and decomposed.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16479,
"title": "Mozart"
},
{
"body": "Please answer yes or no to this question.\r\n\r\nIs your answer \"no\"? \r\n\r\nHint: This is under trick, remember. \r\n\r\nAnswer: Yes or no.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16480,
"title": "A Paradox or a Trick?"
},
{
"body": "Can You Decipher This Phrase?\r\n\r\nB\r\nSAI \r\n\r\nBonsai!\r\nB (on) SAI.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16481,
"title": "B SAI"
},
{
"body": "Can You Decipher This Phrase?\r\n\r\nknee\r\nlight light \r\n\r\nNeon lights!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16482,
"title": "Knee Light Light"
},
{
"body": "MORNING WOOD!\r\n\r\nGet ready... this is quite possibly one of the funniest true stories I've read in a long while! No matter how many times I read it, I still can't keep the tears away!\r\nI caution the weak of heart before reading today's joke - you know who you are - so you might as well hit the \"delete\" key now...\r\n\r\n(The author is responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):\r\n\r\nPlease don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what we're aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around, just so I'll make sure I hit something.\r\n\r\nYou see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling ya, those little buggers can't be trusted.\r\n\r\nAfter being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fallen right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.\r\n\r\nNow another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm such a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding about it. It's the dreaded \"morning wood\".\r\n\r\nMost mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend, you can't aim. Well, hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.\r\n\r\nAnd by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself, so that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie - so us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.\r\n\r\nI tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife, I told her, \"Look, it won't bend.\" She said, \"so sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.\"\r\n\r\nOK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with \"morning wood\". Well, it's very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.\r\n\r\nI have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16484,
"title": "Morning Wood"
},
{
"body": "little susie was looking through her mothers purse and found a tampon and said what is this ? her mother said a pen. so later on that day he mother went shopping and an elderly man said miss do you have a pen and so little susie said it's in mommy's bagina !!!! so the old mans teeth fell out and he dropped to huis knees and said do you want me to search?",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16487,
"title": "Little Susie"
},
{
"body": "What is represented by this?\r\n\r\nHEAR T \r\n\r\nBroken heart!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16488,
"title": "HEAR T"
},
{
"body": "What is represented by this?\r\n\r\nT N O R F O T \r\n\r\nBack to front!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16489,
"title": "T N O R F O T"
},
{
"body": "What is represented by this?\r\n\r\nWOWOLFOL \r\n\r\nWolf in sheep's clothing (wool)!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16490,
"title": "WOWOLFOL"
},
{
"body": "What is represented by this? \r\n\r\nR\r\nE\r\nN\r\nN\r\nU\r\nR \r\n\r\nRunner up!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16491,
"title": "RENNUR"
},
{
"body": "What is represented by this?\r\n\r\nheart heart heart \r\n\r\nHeart-to-heart!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16492,
"title": "Heart Heart Heart"
},
{
"body": "What is represented by this?\r\n\r\nSTEPPETSPETS \r\n\r\nOne step forward, two steps back!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16493,
"title": "STEPPETSPETS"
},
{
"body": "What is represented by this? \r\n\r\nEGASSAM \r\n\r\nBack massage!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16494,
"title": "EGASSAM"
},
{
"body": "What is represented by this? \r\n\r\nDO WN \r\n\r\nBroken down!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16495,
"title": "DO WN"
},
{
"body": "What is represented by this? \r\n\r\nWay \r\n\r\nOne Way!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16496,
"title": "Way"
},
{
"body": "What letter comes next?\r\n\r\nD, L, M, M, J, V, ... \r\n\r\nS. The letters are the first letters of Spanish days of the week, domingo, lunes, martes, miercoles, jueves, viernes, sabado.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16497,
"title": "D, L, M, M, J, V, ..."
},
{
"body": "He v. She\r\n\r\nThe family picture is on his desk - Ah, a solid, responsible family man.\r\nThe family picture is on her desk - Um, her family will come before her career.\r\n\r\nHis desk is cluttered - He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.\r\nHer desk is cluttered - She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain.\r\n\r\nHe is talking with his co-workers - He must be discussing the latest deal.\r\nShe is talking with her co-workers - She must be gossiping.\r\n\r\nHe's not in the office - He must be meeting a customer.\r\nShe's not in the office - She must be out shopping.\r\n\r\nHe's having lunch with the boss - He's on his way up.\r\nShe's having lunch with the boss - They must be having an affair.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16498,
"title": "He V. She"
},
{
"body": "My pal is addicted to brake fluid - but he says he can stop any time he wants.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16499,
"title": "Brake! I Said Brake!"
},
{
"body": "Started a great book the other day - I couldn't put it down.\r\n\r\nIt's called \"The History of Glue\"!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16500,
"title": "History Of"
},
{
"body": "A man comes from a foreign country and buys a T.V. to learn some English, he turns to the first channel and it says, \"I did it, I did it I'm a big kid now.\" He turns to the next channel and it said, \"Fork and knife, fork and knife.\" He turns to one of those little kid commercials and they were saying, \"Under the Sea,\" while wave their hands around crazily. The next one was a Ziploc commercial, saying, \"Ziploc bags, keeps things fresssshh.\" He turns to the final commercial he has on his T.V. and it says, \"Plug it in! Plug it in!\"\r\n\r\nHe buys a \"stolen\" car by accident which has a dead lady in the trunk, he drives for a while then finally the police pull him over. They open the car trunk and they ask the man, \"Sir, how do you explain this?\" The man replies, \"I did it, I did it.\" The police officer responds by saying, \"Well young man, what do you have to say for yourself?\" He replies, \"I'm a big kid now.\"\r\n\r\nThe police officer takes him to the police station where they start questioning him, \"Sir, what did you kill the lady with?\" He replies, \"Fork and knife! fork and knife!\" while hitting the table really loudly.\r\n\r\nThe police officer then asks him, \"Where did you kill the lady?\" He replies, \"Under the Sea, Under the Sea.\" Moving his hands violently.\r\n\r\nThe officer ponders for a minute, \"Why is the lady so well preserved?\" He replies, \"Ziploc bags, keeps things Freeeeessssshh.\"\r\n\r\nThe case goes to court and the man was found guilty, the judge decides to electrocute him as his penalty. As the man is seated in the chair, the judge gets a plug and asks the man, \"Any last words before you die?\" He replies, \"Plug it in! Plug it in!\" The man dies five minutes later.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16501,
"title": "\"Under the Sea\""
},
{
"body": "Jenny: How did the turtle cross the freeway?\r\n\r\nForrest: I don't know.\r\n\r\nJenny: Take the 'r' out of 'free'. Now, take the 'f' out of 'way'.\r\n\r\nForrest: There's no 'f' in way!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16502,
"title": "Turtle"
},
{
"body": "Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16503,
"title": "Horizontal Surface"
},
{
"body": "What does a dog do in your backyard that you don't want to step in?\r\n\r\nDig a hole.\r\n\r\n\r\nIf you step in the hole, you might twist your ankle!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16504,
"title": "A Dog Do"
},
{
"body": "The Godfather was dying. \r\n\r\nHe summoned one of his godsons and said softly, \"Mikey, before I go, I gotta ask one favor.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes, godfather, anything,\" said Mikey. \"I worship you.\" The old man's eyes narrowed. \"I want you to go to my bathroom and masturbate.\"\r\n\r\nThe lad looked around uneasily. \"I dunno, boss. That's kinda embarrassing.\" \"Who raised you as if you were my own?\" demanded the Godfather. \"This one thing you can't do for me?\"\r\n\r\nThe young man realized his error and agreed to the request. When he returned, the old man said, \"One more request?\"\r\n\r\n\"Sure, godfather, anything,\" said Mikey.\r\n\"Do it again!\"\r\n\r\n\"What? I just did it,\" protested Mikey. \"Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? And you can't do this one little thing for me?\" asked the Godfather.\r\n\r\nAgain Mikey agreed and was soon back. \"Okay, I'm done,\" he told the Godfather.\r\n\r\n\"One last request,\" said the Godfather. \"Do it once more.\"\r\n\"I don't understand, Godfather,\" said Mikey. \"Why?\"\r\n\r\n\"What? You can't grant a dying man his last wish?\" said the Godfather. Mikey was gone a long while this time, but eventually he staggered back to the bedside.\r\n\r\n\"I did it, Godfather, but, please, no more. I got nothing left.\"\r\n\r\n\"Good!\" said the old man, handing him his car keys. \"Now go pick up my daughter at the airport!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16505,
"title": "The Godfather Was Dying"
},
{
"body": "\"I'm having trouble with this new hearing aid,\" said the man to his audiologist.\r\n\r\n\"Really? Can you describe the symptoms?\"\r\n\r\n\"Sure. Homer is fat and yellow, Marge has blue hair...\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 16509,
"title": "Hear Ye, Hear Ye . . ."
},
{
"body": "Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.\r\n\r\nThey saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, \"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad.\"\r\n\r\nA bit later, they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, \"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well.\"\r\n\r\nThen they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, \"What a terrible pity ... one of the girls must be dying'.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 16510,
"title": "Points of View"
},
{
"body": "A Blonde walks into an electronic store. A saleswoman goes up to him and introduces a washing machine. \r\n\r\nSaleswoman: Sir, this machine in gurantee to do half of all your laundry. \r\n\r\nBlonde: That's nice, I'll take two.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16512,
"title": "Washing Machine"
},
{
"body": "Bernie and Faye, a wealthy couple, are coming up to their ruby wedding anniversary and Faye has been thinking for some months about how they should celebrate. She comes to a decision. \"Bernie,\" she says, \"I'm going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I know you don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust me, this one will be perfect for us. It's called 'Pearl of the Sea,' an intimate seven-star luxury liner with everything kosher we could ever want to eat made available. Let's give it a go.\" \r\nBernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye's decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win. So he says, \"OK dear.\"\r\n\r\nOn the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye drive up to the quay in their Bugatti Veyron 16.4. Captain Cohen is on the bridge as they pass by and calls in the purser. \"Find out who they are and invite them to dine at my table tonight.\" \r\n\r\nLater, the purser knocks on the door of the Royal State Room. When Faye answers the door, the purser says, \"Compliments of Captain Cohen, madam. He would very much like you both to dine with him this evening.\" Bernie comes to the door and says, \"Who is it Faye, is there a problem?\"\r\n\r\n\"This man says that Captain Cohen wants us to eat with him this evening,\" replies Faye. \"I told you we shouldn't have come,\" says Bernie, \"seven-star or no seven-star, we've only been on this boat half-an-hour and already we have to eat with the crew.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16513,
"title": "Pearl of the Sea"
},
{
"body": "Doctor Simon is known throughout town as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment. One day, Betty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon's office.\r\n\r\n15 minutes later, to everyone's surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face. A woman in the waiting room says to Betty, \"It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?\"\r\n\r\n\"Miracle, shmiracle,\" says Betty, \"he just gave me a longer walking stick.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 16514,
"title": "The Wonderful Doctor"
},
{
"body": "Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, and says, \"I've some bad news for you, Nathan. You have an incurable cancer. I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order.\" Nathan is initially shocked, but then, being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the doctor's office. His son Max is waiting for him.\r\n\r\n\"Max,\" says Nathan, \"we celebrate when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so good. In my case, Max, things aren't so good - I have cancer, so I suggest we go to my golf club for a few drinks.\" 4 or 5 glasses of whisky later, the two are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more glasses of whisky, they are approached by two of Nathan's club mates, curious as to what Nathan and Max are celebrating.\r\n\r\nNathan tells them, \"Guys, we're drinking to my impending death. I've been diagnosed with AIDS.\" His club mates are shocked. They give Nathan their condolences, have a couple of beers and leave. Max then says, \"Dad, you tell me you're dying of cancer yet you tell your friends you're dying of AIDS. I don't understand.\"\r\n\r\nNathan replies, \"I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 16515,
"title": "It's All in the Name"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the thieves that broke into the United Jewish Appeal offices?\r\n\r\n\r\nThey got away with over a million dollars in pledges!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 16516,
"title": "Charity Begins at Home!"
},
{
"body": "Maurice has a business appointment, and he arrives a little early. The receptionist points to a comfortable easy chair and asks him to be seated for a while. Maurice settles down, picks up a glossy magazine opens it, and tries to read. \r\n\r\nHowever, he finds that he cannot concentrate because he is distracted due to a rumpus coming from behind one of the doors leading off the reception area. Maurice goes over to the receptionist and asks, \"What's going on in there?\" \r\n\r\nShe replies, \"It's a partners' meeting.\" \"But why are they shouting at each other?\" Maurice asks. \"It's a battle of wits,\" she replies. \r\n\r\nMaurice asks: \"Who is in there?\" and she answers, \"Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16517,
"title": "Battle of Wits"
},
{
"body": "A couple had been married for 50 years. \r\n\r\nThey were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, \"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.\" \r\n\r\n\"Yeah,\" she replied, \"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.\" \r\n\r\n\"I know,\" the old man said, \"We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.\" \r\n\r\n\"Well,\" Granny snickered, \"What do you say...should we get naked?\" \r\n\r\nWhere upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. \r\n\r\n\"You know, honey,\" the little old lady breathlessly replied, \"My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.\" \r\n\r\n\"I wouldn't be surprised,\" replied Gramps. \"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16518,
"title": "50 Years"
},
{
"body": "Change the position of just one of the words below so that all the words are in an alphabetical sequence: \r\n\r\nllama phoenix hyena alligator beaver elephant tortoise antelope\r\n\r\nAntelope.\r\n\r\nMove it from the end to the beginning, the initial letters will then spell ALPHABET!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16520,
"title": "Alphabetical Sequence"
},
{
"body": "Put the characters C - D - I - M - L - V - X in the right order - but not alphabetical.\r\n\r\nI - V - X - L - C - D - M.\r\n\r\nRoman numerals.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16521,
"title": "C - D - I - M - L - V - X"
},
{
"body": "My brother, Julian, is a little simple. I recently asked him to buy me some ribbon for my daughter's pretty pink bonnet. He went to the haberdashery shop for the required length but accidentally interchanged the feet and inches. When I measured the resulting ribbon I only had 30% of the length I required. How much ribbon did I originally ask for?\r\n\r\nI asked for 9 foot 2 inches (110 inches) and my brother brought me 2 foot 9 inches (33 inches).",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16522,
"title": "How Much Ribbon"
},
{
"body": "Which word is the odd one out?\r\n\r\nseventy\r\nbrawl\r\nclover\r\nproper\r\ncarrot\r\nswing\r\nchange\r\ntravel\r\nsacred\r\nstone\r\n\r\nCarrot.\r\n\r\nEach of the other words remains a real word if you remove the first and last letter.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16523,
"title": "Seventy, Brawl, Clover, ..."
},
{
"body": "Can you complete this sentence using two words which are anagrams of each other? \r\n\r\nWhilst driving his car at a reckless speed, the driver was distracted by his dog _______. Luckily, he managed to complete the _______ manoeuvre without crashing.\r\n\r\nWhilst driving his car at a reckless speed, the driver was distracted by his dog barking. Luckily, he managed to complete the braking manoeuvre without crashing.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16524,
"title": "Anagrams"
},
{
"body": "Can You Decipher This Phrase?\r\n\r\nP\r\nE\r\nT\r\nS\r\n\r\nStep up!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16525,
"title": "PETS"
},
{
"body": "Can You Decipher This Phrase?\r\n\r\ncat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat \r\n\r\nCatch 22!\r\n(22 cats).",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16526,
"title": "Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat"
},
{
"body": "Can You Decipher This Phrase?\r\n\r\nB O N E S\r\n\r\nBroken bones!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16527,
"title": "B O N E S"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nlookkool\r\n\r\nLook both ways!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16528,
"title": "Lookkool"
},
{
"body": "Can You Decipher This Phrase?\r\n\r\npu\r\n\r\nBack up!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16529,
"title": "Can You Decipher This Phrase?"
},
{
"body": "Little Jimmy was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Jimmy hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, \"Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!\"\r\n\r\nHis mother was so embarrassed. \"James, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!\"\r\n\r\nFor the next month Little Jimmy was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, his mother again took him to the same mall.\r\n\r\nSure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them.\r\n\r\nHad Little Jimmy learned anything from the great bard?\r\n\r\nYes.\r\n\r\nThis time, as the man approached, Little Jimmy cried out, \"Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16530,
"title": "A Little Education!"
},
{
"body": "10=D in a M\r\n\r\n10 decimeters in a meter.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16531,
"title": "10=D in a M"
},
{
"body": "10=E on B\r\n\r\n10 editors on braingle.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16532,
"title": "10=E on B"
},
{
"body": "Can You Decipher This Phrase?\r\n\r\nR\r\nU\r\nN\r\n\r\nRun down!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16533,
"title": "R U N"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nW O R K\r\nSEESAWS\r\n\r\nOverseas work!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16534,
"title": "W O R K"
},
{
"body": "Can You Decipher This Phrase?\r\n\r\nQQQQQQ\r\n\r\nNo excuse.\r\n\r\nThere is no X listed, but there are some Qs.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16535,
"title": "QQQQQQ"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\ncat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat\r\n\r\nCopy cat!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16536,
"title": "Cat"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nSCHEME\r\nSCHEME SCHEME\r\nSCHEME SCHEME SCHEME\r\nSCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME\r\nSCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME\r\nSCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME\r\n\r\nPyramid scheme!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16537,
"title": "SCHEME"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nED\r\nCROWD\r\n\r\nOver crowded: [CROWD over ED].",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16538,
"title": "ED CROWD"
},
{
"body": "Can You Decipher This Phrase?\r\n\r\nE E\r\nY\r\nE E\r\nD D\r\n\r\nCross eyed!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16539,
"title": "E E Y E E D D"
},
{
"body": "1 C A and 4 H A in a M M\r\n\r\n1 carbon atom and 4 hydrogen atoms in a methane molecule!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16540,
"title": "1 C A and 4 H A in a M M"
},
{
"body": "Woman: I did something special today.\r\n\r\nMan: What?\r\n\r\nWoman: I rode on a hippo.\r\n\r\nMan: Surely you musn't be kidding. \r\n\r\nWoman: Yes I'm not kidding and don't call me Shirley.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16541,
"title": "I Rode on a Hippo......"
},
{
"body": "What is a chicken's favorite type of joke?\r\n\r\nThe human who crossed the road!!!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16542,
"title": "Chicken's Favorite Joke...."
},
{
"body": "Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt. Just then a guy comes over and says, \"What are you doing?\" \r\n\r\nOsama replies, \"About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16546,
"title": "Osama Bin Laden"
},
{
"body": "Once, there was 3 Chinese people who wanted to go to America.\r\n\r\nTheir names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound awfully weird, Bu said, \"I'll change my name to Buck, adding 'ck' to the end.\" Chu said, \"Then I'll become Chuck.\" \r\n\r\nAfter a long pause, Fu said, \"I guess I'll go back to China.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16547,
"title": "3 Chinese"
},
{
"body": "This Chinese man asks this guy what he does for a living. The guy says, 'I'm a comedian.' The Chinese guy says 'No, u no camedien!' The guy says, 'Yer, I am, honest.' The Chinese guy says, 'No, you're not, ploove it, change coror!'\r\n\r\n(He says it like chameleon)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16548,
"title": "Comedian"
},
{
"body": "What's Hitlers least favorite planet?\r\n'Jewpiter'",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16549,
"title": "Jupiter"
},
{
"body": "How do you get 100 jews into a car?\r\nThrow a quarter in it.\r\nHow do you get them out again?\r\nTell them Hilter is driving.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16550,
"title": "Jews #1"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a restaurant, and asks the waiter:\r\n\r\nMan: Waiter, how much is a cup of coffee?\r\n\r\nWaiter: 50 cents, sir. \r\n\r\nMan: How much are refills?\r\n\r\nWaiter: They are free.\r\n\r\nMan: That's nice, I'll have a refill, please.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16558,
"title": "I Want a Refill"
},
{
"body": "How do you know you have a queer Jew? \r\nHe likes money more than girls.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16560,
"title": "Queer Jew"
},
{
"body": "Have you heard about the Jewish sports car? \r\nIt stops on a dime, then picks it up",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16561,
"title": "Jewish Sports Car"
},
{
"body": "Whats the object of Jewish football?\r\nTo get the quarter back.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16562,
"title": "Jewish Football"
},
{
"body": "Why did the Jews walk around the desert for 40 years?\r\nThey heard that someone dropped a quarter",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16563,
"title": "Jews in the Desert"
},
{
"body": "What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?\r\nHe breaks his nose.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16564,
"title": "Broken Nose"
},
{
"body": "What's faster than a speeding bullet?\r\nA jew with a coupon.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16565,
"title": "Speeding Bullet"
},
{
"body": "What's a Black Priest called?\r\nHoly Shit!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16566,
"title": "Black Priest"
},
{
"body": "1. Ride on the baggage claim machine and go around in circles, don't leave until security comes.\r\n\r\n2. Ride on those carts and pretend you're in the Batmobile.\r\n\r\n3. When checking in, and the attendant takes your baggage and puts it into the machine say you left your passport, bag, purse, flight ticket etc. in there, when they take back the luggage, say you found it in your wallet.\r\n\r\n4. Ask for Snerples while on the plane and insist you must have one.\r\n\r\n5. Ask where the airport is in the information stand.\r\n\r\n6. If you are sitting next to a kid on a plane, point out that you just saw a UFO come by.\r\n\r\n7. When the plane is airborne, tell the flight attendant you got on the wrong flight.\r\n\r\n8. Pretend to snore REALLY loudly and insist that you sleep this way.\r\n\r\n9. Continously ask the flight attendant, \"Are we there yet?\"\r\n\r\n10. Ask the flight attendant if you can speak to the pilot, if they say no, start crying really loudly.\r\n\r\n11. If the flight attendant lets you see the pilot, ask the pilot if you can press every button on the controls.\r\n\r\n12. Act constipated in the bathroom for as long as you can, when you come out say you had too much breakfast.\r\n\r\n13. Stay in the bathroom for a REALLY long time, say you \"fell in\" if anyone asks you what you were doing in there.\r\n\r\n14. Cry really loudly and say you miss your family.\r\n\r\n15. When done crying, cry louder, and say you miss your dog.\r\n\r\n16. If walking in a narrow aisle and people are behind you, walk really slowly.\r\n\r\n17. When asked to do take out your passport, dig through your pockets, purse, bag, etc. for a REALLY LONG TIME.\r\n\r\n18. When coming out of the gate, go out to random people and start hugging them and say things like, \"I've haven't seen you in a long time.\"\r\n\r\n19. Completely ignore the people that are supposed to pick you up.\r\n\r\n20. Attempt to do this all in one flight.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16568,
"title": "Things to Do On Your Next Flight"
},
{
"body": "Father: \"So you want to be my son-in-law, do you?\"\r\n\r\nBoyfriend: \"Not particularly, but since I want to marry your daughter, I haven't much choice!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16569,
"title": "Hobson's Choice"
},
{
"body": "Two executives were talking in the executive washroom.\r\n\r\n\"My wife says I don't display enough passion. Imagine the audacity! I think I'll send her a memo!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16570,
"title": "Old What's-Her-Name"
},
{
"body": "Always keep several \"get well\" cards on the mantle.\r\n\r\nThat way, if unexpected guests arrive they will think you have been sick and unable to clean.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16571,
"title": "Good Excuse"
},
{
"body": "The discovery that Bush's resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time we've had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16572,
"title": "Coincidence or Medical Miracle"
},
{
"body": "A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.\r\n\r\n\r\n\"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat,\" says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. \"I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS.\" He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.\r\n\r\n\r\nThe next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. \"Well, sir,\" explains a Texan, \"when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain't hardly nothing.\" The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.\r\n\r\n\r\n\"Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let 's see what happens when I turn OFF the heat,\" he says as he heads to the thermostat. \"I'll check on them tomorrow.\" \r\nSo in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans' campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin' and drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin' like there is no tomorrow.\r\n\r\n\r\n\"I don't get it,\" the Devil says, completely defeated. \"I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?\"\r\n\r\n\r\nA Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, \"Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16573,
"title": "Day in Hell"
},
{
"body": "Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: \"Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. And George W. Bush can't tell the difference.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16575,
"title": "Comparing The Presidents"
},
{
"body": "3 sharks meet in the ocean. They talk about the people they recently have eaten.\r\n\r\nThe first one says, \"I swallowed the Ayatollah yesterday, but the guy had eaten so much garlic I still feel sick.\"\r\n\r\nThe second shark says, \"That's nothing pal! I swallowed Boris Yeltsin last week and the old guy had so much vodka in him that I'm still drunk.\"\r\n\r\nThe third shark laughs and said, \"You lucky guys! I swallowed George W. Bush 3 weeks ago and the guy has so much air in his head, I still can't dive!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16576,
"title": "Sharks"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into Starbucks. \r\n\r\nMan: I want a cup of coffee.\r\n\r\nBlond Waitress: Sure that will be $1.00\r\n\r\nThe man pays for the coffee, the blond then goes and measures a cup of coffee and brings it to the man, she dumps it all onto his table. \r\n\r\nMan: I wanted a cup of coffee, not this!!\r\n\r\nBlond: You wanted a \"cup\" of coffee, if you wanted a cup you could of asked for one.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16579,
"title": "Cup of Coffee...."
},
{
"body": "Chris and his friend Johnathan are standing outside of school one day. Johnathan finds Chris wearing his hair black and slicked down, with a purple stripe, with mascara and nail polish and a Korn t-shirt.\r\n\r\nJohnathan: So, Chris, what's with the new outfit?\r\n\r\nChris: I'm Emo.\r\n\r\nJohnathan: You are not Emo.\r\n\r\nChris: Yeah I am, my life has no meaning and I listen to Korn; I'm extremely Emo. \r\n\r\nJohnathan: Did you watch Family Guy last night?\r\n\r\nChris: Yeah.\r\n\r\nJohnathan: ...\r\n\r\nChris: ...OH! Guess I'm not Emo.\r\n\r\nJohnathan: Yup.\r\n\r\nChris: Can I still listen to Korn?\r\n\r\nJohnathan: Sure.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16580,
"title": "Not Emo"
},
{
"body": "Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution. \r\n\r\nAfter several hours of talk without progress, one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says, \"Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States.\" Everyone starts shouting at once. \"You're nuts! That's crazy!\"\r\n\r\n\"Hear me out!\" says Yitzhak. \"We declare war, we lose; the United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over.\r\n \r\n\"Sure,\" says Benny, another minister, \"that's if we lose - but what if we win?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16581,
"title": "Win By Losing!"
},
{
"body": "Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, \"Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!\"\r\n \r\nTo which David replies, \"Of course he does, you tell him everything.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16582,
"title": "Professional Confessional"
},
{
"body": "Three hunters, Chuck, Thomas and Mick, are on safari. Unfortunately they are captured by cannibals, who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells them they can each have one last wish.\r\n\r\n\"What's your last request?\" he asks Chuck, an American. \r\n\"I'd like a steak,\" he replies, so the cannibals kill a wildebeeste and serve Chuck with his steak.\r\n\r\n\"What do you want?\" the cannibal chief asks Thomas, a Londoner. \"I'd like to smoke my cigar,\" which they let him do.\r\n\r\nThen the chief asks Mick, an Irishman, \"What's your last wish?\" \"I want you to kick my bum.\" \"Be serious,\" says the chief. \"Please do it - you promised,\" says Mick.\r\n\r\n\"OK,\" says the chief and delivers the requested kick. Mick then pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few other cannibals, while the rest run away. Chuck and Thomas are furious.\r\n\r\n\"Why didn't you do that in the first place so we wouldn't have had to go through all that?\" they ask Mick.\r\n \r\nMick replies, \"Are you mad? If I had done that, the UN would have condemned me as the aggressor!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16583,
"title": "On Safari"
},
{
"body": "The best way to end a war is to surrender.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16584,
"title": "War"
},
{
"body": "This is the worst joke ever.\r\n\r\nGive it no smiley face.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16585,
"title": "Worst Joke Ever :("
},
{
"body": "This is the best joke ever!\r\n\r\nGive it a full smiley :) :) :) :)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16586,
"title": "Best Joke Ever :)"
},
{
"body": "Guys were sitting around a bar talking about things they bet on. A woman down at the end of the bar says, \"I bet on things!\"\r\n\r\nThe bartender says, \"Oh Yeah! What do you bet on?\"\r\n\r\nWoman, \"Most anything.\"\r\n\r\nBartender, \"Like what for instance?\"\r\n\r\nWoman, \"See that wall over there? I bet I can pee higher on that wall than you can!\"\r\n\r\nBartender, (Thinks about this for a minute) \"I'll take that bet! How much do you want to bet?\"\r\n\r\nWoman, \"You name your poison.\"\r\n\r\nBartender, \"I'll bet you a thousand bucks.\"\r\n\r\nWoman, \"Ok!\"\r\n\r\nBartender, \"Ladies first.\"\r\n\r\nWoman, Pulls up her dress, pulls down her panties, leans back and pees.\r\n\r\n\"Your turn,\" she replies.\r\n\r\nBartender, Unzips his pants gets his sure tool out; gets ready to pee.\r\n\r\nWoman, \"Hey....you got to do with NO HANDS!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16588,
"title": "Betting Against a Woman"
},
{
"body": "A businessman boarded a plane and sat next to Hannah, an elegant woman wearing the largest and most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.\r\n\r\n\"This is the Egoheimer diamond,\" Hannah said. \"It's beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.\"\r\n\r\n\"What's the curse?\" the man asked.\r\n\"Mr Egoheimer.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16592,
"title": "Diamonds Are . . ."
},
{
"body": "Bernard, a 72 year old, is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but Sarah, his wife, persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. Bernard returns home, and Sarah says, \"So? What did the doctor say?\"\r\n\r\n\"The doctor says I got a flucky.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, heavens! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't know - he didn't say, and I forgot to ask.\"\r\n\r\nWell, by this time Sarah is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbours, \"My Bernard was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!\" \r\n\r\nNeighbour #1 says, \"In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied ice. Ice is the best thing for a flucky.\"\r\n\r\nNeighbour #2 says, \"What are you talking about? Ice is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky.\"\r\n\r\nCold, heat! Now thoroughly agitated, Sarah decides to call the doctor herself. \"Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?\"\r\n\r\n\"I told him - nothing's wrong. He got off lucky.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 16593,
"title": "A Flucky"
},
{
"body": "A wig factory was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen.\r\n\r\nPolice are combing the area.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16596,
"title": "Keep Your Hair On!"
},
{
"body": "A man finds a wallet with $700 in it. A few days later, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy man has lost his wallet and is offering a $50 reward to anyone who returns it. He soon locates the owner and gives him the wallet, and the rich man counts the money and says, \"I see you have already taken your reward.\"\r\n \r\nThe poor man responds, \"What are you talking about?\" The wealthy man continues, \"This wallet had $750 in it when I lost it.\"\r\n\r\nThe two men begin arguing, and eventually they go to court to sort out their differences. Both men present their case, the poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, \"Your Honour, I trust you believe me.\"\r\n\r\nThe Judge says, \"Of course.\" The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the Judge takes the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it. \"What are you doing?\" the rich man yells angrily.\r\n\r\nThe Judge responds, \"You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had $750 in it, I'm sure it did - but if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all, which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money - otherwise, it stays with the man who found it.\"\r\n\r\n\"What about my money?\" the rich man asks.\r\n\r\n\"Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds your wallet with the $750 in it!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 16597,
"title": "The Reward"
},
{
"body": "Harry and his neighbour Joe often borrowed things from each other. One day, Harry asked to borrow Joe's ladder.\r\n\r\nJoe said, \"Sorry Harry, I've lent it to my son.\"\r\n\r\nRemembering a saying that his grandma often used to tell him, Harry said, \"Joe, you should never lend anything to your children because you'll never get it back.\"\r\n\r\nJoe replied, \"Don't worry, it's not my ladder - it's my dad's.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16598,
"title": "The Ladder of Success"
},
{
"body": "Bill and Sarah were Londoners and were blessed with seven healthy children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment to live in.\r\n\r\nAlthough many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object to such a large family living there. If only Bill wasn't so honest about the size of his family!\r\n\r\nAfter several days of unsuccessful searching, Bill had an idea. He told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Bill found a place that was ideal. \r\nThe landlord asked him, \"How many children do you have?\"\r\n\r\nBill answered with a deep sigh, \"Seven . . . but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery.\"\r\n\r\nHe got the apartment!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16599,
"title": "I Tell You No Lie"
},
{
"body": "Pete and Mick were in court and standing before the judge.\r\n\r\n\"Why can't this case be settled out of court?\" the judge asked.\r\n\r\nPete looked up at the judge and said, \"That's what we were trying to do, your honour, when the police interfered.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 16600,
"title": "That Settles It!"
},
{
"body": "When Jacob was finally given an exit visa by the Russians and allowed to immigrate to Israel, he was told he could only take what he could put into one suitcase. At Moscow airport, he was stopped by customs and an official shouted, \"Open your case at once.\"\r\n\r\nJacob did what he was told. The official searched through his case and pulled out something wrapped in newspaper. He unwrapped it and saw it was a bust of Stalin.\r\n\r\n\"What is that?\" he shouted at Jacob. Jacob replied, \"You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to remind me of the wonderful things he did for me and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind.\"\r\n\r\nThe official sneered. \"I always knew you Jews were mad. Go, and take the bust with you.\" When Jacob arrived at Ben Gurion airport, a customs officer said, \"Shalom, welcome to Israel, open your case, please!\" Jacob's case was once again searched and not surprisingly the bust was found. \"What is that?\" asked the officer. \r\n\r\nJacob replied, \"You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is Stalin, the bastard. I want to spit on it every day to remind me of all the suffering and misery he caused me.\"\r\n\r\nThe official laughed, \"I always knew you Russians were mad. Go, and take the bust with you.\" When Jacob arrived at his new home, his young nephew watched him as he unpacked. Jacob carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table. \"Who is that?\" asked his nephew.\r\n\r\nJacob replied, \"You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?' - you should ask 'What is that?' That is five kilos of gold.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16601,
"title": "Beauty is MORE Than Skin-Deep"
},
{
"body": "If you do not want to say you're a guy, do not read this joke. (I do not know if this is funny)\r\n\r\nInstructions: At the end of each sentence say \"I'm a Guy\"\r\n\r\nYou meet this hot girl. \r\n(I'm a Guy)\r\n\r\nYou ask her out.\r\n(I'm a Guy)\r\n\r\nYou take her to the movies.\r\n(I'm a Guy)\r\n\r\nYou buy her popcorn. \r\n(I'm a Guy)\r\n\r\nShe asks you over. \r\n(I'm a Guy)\r\n\r\nWhen she closes the door she whispers in your ear.\r\n\r\nI'M A GUY!!!!!!!!!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16602,
"title": "I'm a Guy"
},
{
"body": "A masked man all of a sudden gave a beggar 1 million dollars. \r\n\r\nMan: Why did you give me so much money?\r\n\r\nMasked Robber: I steal from the rich and give to the poor. \r\n\r\nMan: I'm rich!\r\n\r\nMasked Robber: Okay give me all your money.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16603,
"title": "Masked Robber"
},
{
"body": "A girl named Zoey goes up to an artist and asks him to paint a picture of her face. \"But Miss Zoey, if I paint a picture of your face then I can never be an artist again.\"\r\n\r\n\"Why?\" she asked.\r\n\r\n\"Because if I look at your face too long, I will go blind.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16609,
"title": "Artists"
},
{
"body": "A man is bitten by a rabid dog he found wandering in his yard. Frantically, he rushes his computer and begins typing something. His neighbor walks in, and mentions to him that he need not worry, there is a cure for rabies.\r\n\r\nHe replies, \"I know that; I'm finding where George Bush is right now!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16610,
"title": "Rabies!"
},
{
"body": "Here are some excuses...\r\n\r\n1. My kids are locked outside.\r\n\r\n2. My kids are locked inside.\r\n\r\n3. My kids are stuck in the door.\r\n\r\n4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.\r\n\r\n5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies - she's much better. Now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.\r\n\r\n6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.\r\n\r\n7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.\r\n\r\n8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.\r\n\r\n9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to the ceremony.\r\n\r\n10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).\r\n\r\n11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half an hour it'll be locked up all weekend.\r\n\r\n12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems wide awake).\r\n\r\n13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.\r\n\r\n14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.\r\n\r\n15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.\r\n\r\n16. My truss snapped.\r\n\r\n17. My support hose popped.\r\n\r\n18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.\r\n\r\n19. I'm arranging financing for a house.\r\n\r\n20. I'm arranging financing for a car.\r\n\r\n21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.\r\n\r\n22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.\r\n\r\n23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.\r\n\r\n24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can't be used by just anybody, but if it's close to accurate, it's extremely effective.\r\n\r\n25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.\r\n\r\n26. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA.\r\n\r\n27. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale.\r\n\r\n28. My back aches.\r\n\r\n29. My stomach aches.\r\n\r\n30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than \"I have a hangover,\" especially if offered in the early afternoon.)\r\n\r\n31. My biological clock is ticking.\r\n\r\n32. I have to take my biological clock in for service.\r\n\r\n33. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.\r\n\r\n34. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.\r\n\r\n35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.\r\n\r\n36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.\r\n\r\n37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.\r\n\r\n38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother.\r\n\r\n39. I have to take my mother to the doctor.\r\n\r\n40. I have to take my minister to the doctor.\r\n\r\n41. I have to take my doctor to my minister.\r\n\r\n42. I think I left the iron on.\r\n\r\n43. I think I left the water on.\r\n\r\n44. I think I left the refrigerator on.\r\n\r\n45. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.\r\n\r\n46. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test.\r\n\r\n47. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.\r\n\r\n48. I have to have my waistband let out.\r\n\r\n49. I have to have my watchband let out.\r\n\r\n50. I have to have my son's rock band let out.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16611,
"title": "50 Ways to Get Off Work Early"
},
{
"body": "How It Works\r\n\r\nOnce upon a time a man told a small village, \"I will buy\r\nmonkeys for $10 each.\"\r\n\r\nSince there were many monkeys in the forest, the villagers caught them and sold them to the man.\r\n\r\nAs the supply of monkeys diminished, the villagers' efforts slowed, so the man offered them $20 each.\r\n\r\nThey renewed their efforts but the supply of monkeys diminished further, so he increased his price to $25.\r\n\r\nSoon no one could even find a monkey in the forest.\r\n\r\nThe man increased his price to $50, but announced, \"Since I must go to the city on business, I authorize my assistant to buy monkeys on my behalf.\"\r\n\r\nAs soon as his boss was gone, the assistant told the villagers, \"My boss has collected lots of monkeys. I'll sell them to you for $35 and then, when he returns, you can sell them to him for $50.\"\r\n\r\nThe villagers rounded up all the money they could and bought as many monkeys as possible. Soon they had monkeys everywhere...\r\n\r\n... but they never saw the man or his assistant again.\r\n\r\nAnd now you understand the workings of the stock market.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16612,
"title": "How It Works"
},
{
"body": "Sleepy just ran back into the house after reading the newspaper and exclaimed, \"Everyone! Everyone, the Pope is coming to town this weekend!\" Grumpy replies, \"Great! Now we can ask him the question!\"\r\n\r\nThe weekend rolls around and they stand in line to speak to the pope, it's finally their turn and they send up Dopey and await for him to ask the Pope their question.\r\n\r\n\"Umm... Mr. Pope, do... Do they have nuns in Alaska?\" asks Dopey. \"Well, I do think so, yes they do, son,\" replied the Pope.\r\n\r\n\"Tell the rest tell the rest!\" yelled the other 6 little annoying midgets. \"Umm... do, do they have black nuns in Alaska?\" asked Dopey.\r\n\r\n\"Well.. I don't see why they wouldn't, so yes, they do.\" replied the Pope. \"Tell him the rest!! Go on!\" the 6 dwarfs yelled to Dopey. \"Do... do they have black midget nuns in Alaska?\" Dopey asked.\r\n\r\n\"Hmmm... nope, I don't think so, boy, why do you ask?\" replied the Pope, to which all the little 6 dwarfs exclaimed,\r\n\r\n\"Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16614,
"title": "7 Dwarfs and the Pope"
},
{
"body": "A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes : \r\n\r\n\"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!\" \r\n\r\nShe got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: \r\n\r\n\"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!\"\r\n\r\nThe Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: \r\n\r\n\"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 16615,
"title": "Chinese Laundry"
},
{
"body": "16 more white keys than black keys on a piano.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16617,
"title": "16 More W K Than B K on a P"
},
{
"body": "8*4 = worlds in super mario brothers.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16618,
"title": "8*4 = W in S M B"
},
{
"body": "Beijing = Capital of China.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16619,
"title": "B J = C of C"
},
{
"body": "8 = planets in solar system.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16620,
"title": "8 = P in S S"
},
{
"body": "X-axis + Y-axis + Z-axis + time = 4 dimensions.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16621,
"title": "X + Y + Z + T = 4 D"
},
{
"body": "7 + 7 + 7 = Jackpot!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16622,
"title": "7 + 7 + 7 = J"
},
{
"body": "3.6 = coulombs in a milliampere-hour.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16623,
"title": "3.6 = C in a MAh"
},
{
"body": "The Fibonacci sequence 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21... starts with two 1's, and each term afterward is the sum of its two predecessors. \r\n\r\nWhich one of the ten digits is the last to appear in the units position of a number in the Fibonacci sequence?\r\n\r\nJust write out their units digits, and mark the digits that appear for the first time.\r\n\r\n(1), 1, (2), (3), (5), (8), 3, 1, (4), 5, (9), 4, 3, (7), (0), ...\r\nTherefore, 6 is the last to appear.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16624,
"title": "The Fibonacci Sequence"
},
{
"body": "A A A A K = biggest 4 of a kind.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16625,
"title": "A A A A K = B 4 of a K"
},
{
"body": "Natrium chloride = table salt.\r\n\r\n\"Natrium\", from which the symbol \"Na\" derives, is the German word of \"sodium\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16626,
"title": "NaCl = T S"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nB BUSINESS BUSINESS\r\nA\r\nC\r\nK\r\n\r\nGetting back down to business!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16627,
"title": "BUSINESS"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ 2\r\n\r\nMistletoe!\r\n(Miss L two.)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16628,
"title": "ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ 2"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nRU[color=red]E[/color]\r\n\r\nAre you ready: [R U + red E].",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16629,
"title": "RU[color=red]E[/color]"
},
{
"body": "Can You Decipher This Phrase?\r\n\r\nDEINPTH VESTINIGATION\r\n\r\nIn depth investigation!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16631,
"title": "DEINPTH VESTINIGATION"
},
{
"body": "Can You Decipher This Phrase?\r\n\r\nBALLBBALLABALLSBALLKBALLEBALLTBALL\r\n\r\nBasket Balls!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16632,
"title": "BALLBBALLABALLSBALLKBALLEBALLTBALL"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nT T T\r\nU I U\r\nL P L\r\nI T I\r\nP O P\r\nS E S\r\n\r\nTiptoe through the tulips!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16633,
"title": "T T T"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nFORWARD\r\n\r\nStraightforward!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16634,
"title": "FORWARD"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nONALLE\r\n\r\nAll in one!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16635,
"title": "ONALLE"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nL \r\nL \r\nI \r\nH\r\n\r\nUphill!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16636,
"title": "L L I H"
},
{
"body": "Girl: \"When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles, and lighten your burden.\"\r\n\r\nBoy: \"That's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.\"\r\n\r\nGirl: \"Yes, well, that's because we aren't married yet.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16637,
"title": "I'm Looking Over"
},
{
"body": "I've been out of work for a while, so when I found a job sorting salt and pepper, I was most pleased.\r\n\r\nThe only drawback is that it's seasonal work.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16638,
"title": "Palt And Sepper"
},
{
"body": "In the city of Gilacopa during the year of 1832 there was a great poet. He wrote some of the most beautiful poems the world had ever known. One day his assistant was in his office and he noticed a sheet of paper on his desk and he figured it must of been the poets newest work.\r\n\r\nThe assistant could not understand the poem so he took it over to the neighbor whom was much wiser than he. The neighbor looked at the poem and declared, \"It is clearly a tribute to the troops in Iraq\", but this could not be so since this was the 1830's and there was no war in Iraq yet, so they took the poem to the psychologist who was much wiser than they.\r\n\r\nThe pychologist looked at this and said, \"This is obviously a poem about a woman whom he loves\", but this could not be since there were only two females in this town one that was 75 and another that was only 4, so the assistant, the neighbor, and the psychologist took the poem to the painter whom was much wiser than they. The artist looked at the poem long and hard and finally stated, \"This is obviously related to the poet having financial issues\", but this could not be since the poet was a very wealthy man.\r\n\r\nThe town argued for 3 hours over the meaning of the poem when a hobo saw the ruckus. He asked what the problem was and the townspeople explained to him their confusion and showed him the paper. After only a few seconds the hobo said, \"This is a receipt for wine and a $5 lap dance at The Pimps Titty Bar\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16639,
"title": "Beautiful Poem"
},
{
"body": "YOU'RE READING IT, YOU DOPE!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16640,
"title": "DO NOT READ"
},
{
"body": "MADE YOU LOOK!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16641,
"title": "READ ME!!!"
},
{
"body": "1. Regular naps prevent old age.... especially if you take them while driving.\r\n\r\n2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee. \r\n\r\n3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! \r\n\r\n4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.\r\n\r\n5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.\r\n\r\n6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.\r\n\r\n7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... \r\n\r\nbut whatever you do, you'll regret it later.\r\n\r\n8.. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it. \r\n\r\n9. True friends stab you in the front.\r\n\r\n10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me. \r\n\r\n11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.\r\n\r\n12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. \r\n\r\n13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. \r\n\r\n14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. \r\n\r\n15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner. \r\n\r\n16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. \r\n\r\n17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.\r\n\r\n18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you. \r\n\r\n19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something. \r\n\r\n20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16642,
"title": "Wise Things..."
},
{
"body": "Lesson 5:\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nA turkey was chatting with a bull. \"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,\" sighed the turkey, \"but I haven't got the energy.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?\" replied the bull.\r\n\r\nThey're packed with nutrients.\"\r\n\r\nThe turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.\r\n\r\nThe next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. \r\n\r\nFinally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nMoral of the story\r\n\r\nBullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16647,
"title": "Lesson 5"
},
{
"body": "Homework... something you go to school hours for and not do.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16672,
"title": "Homework...."
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nMTGG\r\n\r\nA hungry horse!\r\nMT (empty) GG (gee gee = horse).",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16673,
"title": "MTGG"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher the following common phrase?\r\n\r\nAND\r\nED\r\n\r\nUnderhanded!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16677,
"title": "AND ED"
},
{
"body": "Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto.\r\n\r\nPluto because it's no longer a planet.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16678,
"title": "Which Doesn't Belong?"
},
{
"body": "What was the last thing that Abraham Lincoln did?\r\n\r\nHe died.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16679,
"title": "Last Thing"
},
{
"body": "8 protons, 8 neutrons and 8 electrons in an oxygen atom!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16680,
"title": "8 P, 8 N and 8 E in an O A"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nE D O W N\r\nD\r\nI\r\nS\r\n\r\nUpside down!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16681,
"title": "E D O W N D I S"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nE\r\nN\r\nU\r\nT\r\n\r\nTune up!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16682,
"title": "E N U T"
},
{
"body": "There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.\r\n\r\nThe director says, \"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress'.\" \r\n\r\nThe actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. \r\n\r\nFinally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, \"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.\" \r\n\r\nThe theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! \r\n\r\n\"You bloody fool!\" he cried, \"You have ruined me!\" \r\n\r\nThe actor was bewildered, \"What happened, did I forget my line?\" \r\n\r\n\"No!\" screamed the director. \"You forgot the rose!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 16684,
"title": "Forgetful Actor"
},
{
"body": "The computer, the greatest invention in life even though it's bad for you.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16686,
"title": "The Computer..."
},
{
"body": "Natalie had three very active young sons and they were quite a handful. One summer evening she was playing cowboys and Indians with them in her front garden when one of the boys \"shot\" her and shouted \"Bang! You're dead, Mum,\" so Natalie fell down.\r\n\r\nHer next door neighbour had been watching all this and when Natalie didn't get up straight away, he ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.\r\n\r\nWhen the neighbour bent over her, Natalie opened one eye and said to him, \"Shhh. Please don't give me away, it's the only chance I've had to have a rest all day\".",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16688,
"title": "Quite a Handful"
},
{
"body": "Louis was talking to his friend Pete.\r\n\r\n\"There's nothing I wouldn't do for my Becky,\" he said, \"and there's nothing Becky wouldn't do for me, and that's how we go through life - doing nothing for each other.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16689,
"title": "Nothing Doing"
},
{
"body": "Things to do at a McDonalds drive thru!\r\n\r\n1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.\r\n\r\n2. Drive through backwards.\r\n\r\n3. Belch your order.\r\n\r\n4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.\r\n\r\n5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.\r\n\r\n6. Walk through.\r\n\r\n7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.\r\n\r\n8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.\r\n\r\n9. Attempt to take the order-takers order (\"Hi, may I take your order?\") before they get a chance to take yours.\r\n\r\n10. Order confusing items, i.e., \"Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please\".\r\n\r\n11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.\r\n\r\n12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.\r\n\r\n13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.\r\n\r\n14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.\r\n\r\n15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.\r\n\r\n16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.\r\n\r\n17. One word: Flatulence!\r\n\r\n18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.\r\n\r\n19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to \"check out the babe\".\r\n\r\n20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16690,
"title": "Things to Do at McDonalds"
},
{
"body": "Make sure the lawyer YOU hire does not do any of these things:\r\n\r\n1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you cocaine.\r\n\r\n2. He tells you that his last good case was a \"Budweiser.\"\r\n\r\n3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is,\r\nthey high-five each other.\r\n\r\n4. He picks the jury by playing \"duck-duck-goose.\"\r\n\r\n5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.\r\n\r\n6. He asks a hostile witness to \"pull my finger.\"\r\n\r\n7. A prison guard is shaving your head.\r\n\r\n8. Every couple of minutes he yells, \"I call Jack Daniels to the stand!\" and proceeds to drink a shot.\r\n\r\n9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.\r\n\r\n10. He places a large \"No Refunds\" sign on the defense table.\r\n\r\n11. He begins closing arguments with, \"As Ally\r\nMcBeal once said ...\"\r\n\r\n12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.\r\n\r\n13. Just before trial starts he whispers, \"The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?\"\r\n\r\n14. Just before he says \"Your Honor,\" he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.\r\n\r\n15. The sign in front of his law office reads \"Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM.\"\r\n\r\n16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, \"Whatever.\"\r\n\r\nThank you for checking these precautions.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16691,
"title": "Rehiring Your Lawyer"
},
{
"body": "Once a blonde decided that she wanted a kid. when she had it she couldnt decide what to name it. she asked around but no one had the right name. some people wanted huga butte and some wanted gatta pee pee. she went with ma hore",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16694,
"title": "Names"
},
{
"body": "This is a true story. I was texting my one friend, and we both get bored easy. This is part of our one convo.\r\n\r\nHim: Mew! I'm a kitty!\r\nMe: Woof! I'm a puppy!\r\nHim: Oink! I'm a cow!\r\nMe: Quack! I'm a zebra!\r\nHim: Bang! I'm a hoe!\r\nMe: Man, u got me beat on tht 1!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16695,
"title": "Mew I'm a Kitty"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is stupid that she went hunting for whales in Ohio!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16696,
"title": "Stupid Momma"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma's breath is so bad, that when she entered the basement all the rats passed out!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16698,
"title": "Bad Breath"
},
{
"body": "\"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them.\" \r\n- George Bush, former U.S. President \r\n\r\n\"It is white.\" \r\n- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London \r\n\r\n\"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.\" \r\n- George Gobel \r\n\r\n\"Solutions are not the answer.\" \r\n- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President\r\n\r\n\"Hi I'm Dean White, Dick, of the college.\" \r\n- Richard (Dick) White, Duke University academic Dean introducing himself at a faculty dinner\r\n\r\n\"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that.\" \r\n- Bill Clinton, former U.S. president\r\n\r\n\"You guys line up alphabetically by height.\" \r\n- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach \r\n\r\n\"The internet is a great way to get on the net.\" \r\n- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate \r\n\r\n\"I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible.\" \r\n- Ted Turner, Media Mogul",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16701,
"title": "Idiot Sayings of the World 1"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, when she wears a yellow shirt and goes outside, the sun gets jealous! \r\n\r\nYo momma so ugly, I don't know who you and her are related!\r\n\r\nYo momma so old, fat, ugly, and stupid, people are still wondering why your dad married her! \r\n\r\nYo momma so stupid, she cheated off herself!\r\n\r\nYo momma so fat, if she stops eating, it would end world hunger!\r\n\r\nYo momma so gassy, she started global warming!\r\n\r\nYo momma so fat, everytime she farts people think there's an earthquake!\r\n\r\nYo momma so short, I saw her feet in her driver's license!\r\n\r\nYo momma so fat, when she went to New York someone shouted \"Hey look, it's King Kong\"\r\n\r\nYo momma so poor, when I visited you and picked up a penny, yo momma starts screaming, \"We lost the family treasure!\"\r\n\r\nYo momma so fat, she made the universe look like marbles!\r\n\r\nYo momma so ugly, people think that Michael Jackson and her are related!\r\n\r\nYo momma so stupid, she sold her car for gas money!\r\n\r\nYo momma so stupid, when she drives she didn't know where to go on a One Way street!\r\n\r\nYo momma so stupid, she tried to break into her own house!\r\n\r\nYo momma so stupid, she caught herself stealing!\r\n\r\nYo momma so ugly, she needs two masks to cover her face!\r\n\r\nYo momma so ugly, when she forgot to wear a costume for a costume contest, she won!\r\n\r\nYo momma so poor, she stole from the 99 cents store!\r\n(I heard it was toilet paper!)\r\n\r\nYo momma so poor, she couldn't afford to live in a box!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16702,
"title": "Yo Momma Jokes... The Wad Lode!"
},
{
"body": "Some may be offeneded by a few of these. This is not meant to hurt anyones feelings just to show how stupid some of our idols and leaders of the country are.\r\n\r\n\"Did people build this, or did Indians?\" \r\n- Tourist question at Mesa Verde National Park \r\n\r\n\"I was glad to see Italy win. All the guys on the team were Italians.\" \r\n- Tom Lasorda, former Dodger manager on World Cup soccer tournament\r\n\r\n\"Every city I go to is an oppurtunity to paint, whether it's Omaha or Hawaii.\" \r\n- Tony Bennett, Singer \r\n\r\n\"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.\" \r\n- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.\r\n\r\n\"FOR RENT: CONDOM... ONLY US$650.\" \r\n- Ad in Jakarta Post, should have read Condo\r\n\r\n\"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious.\" \r\n- Alan Minter, Boxer\r\n\r\n\"Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.\" \r\n- Anonymous Traffic Report\r\n \r\n\"Better make it six, I can't eat eight.\" \r\n- Dan Osinski, Baseball pitcher, when a waitress asked if he wanted his pizza cut into six or eight slices\r\n\r\n\"It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.\" \r\n- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16703,
"title": "Idiots of the World 2"
},
{
"body": "\"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.\" \r\n- David Acfield \r\n\r\n\"And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago\" \r\n- David Coleman, Sportscaster\r\n\r\n\"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.\" \r\n- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. \r\n\r\n\"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something.\" \r\n- Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player, on Chicago Bull's team chemistry being overrated \r\n\r\n\"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.\" \r\n- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.\r\n \r\n\"We are trying to change the 1974 Constitution, whenever that was passed.\" \r\n- Donald Kennard, Louisiana state representative \r\n\r\n\"If only faces could talk...\" \r\n- Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl\r\n\r\n\"If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it.\" \r\n- Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company \r\n\r\n\"The FA are still optimistic about England's bid to stage the World Cup in twenty thousand and six.\" \r\n- Peter Snow, BBC2 anchorman\r\n\r\n\"Can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no.\" \r\n- Police detective questioning a wounded officer\r\n\r\n\"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.\" \r\n- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16705,
"title": "Idiot Saying of the World 3"
},
{
"body": "Play this on a friend:\r\n\r\nYou: You would call a witty remark a joke, right?\r\nFriend: Yes.\r\nYou: Spell joke twice and say it 5 times please.\r\nFriend: J-o-k-e, j-o-k-e, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke.\r\nYou: (start laughing)\r\nFriend: Did I mess up?\r\nYou: No. You would call a relaxing stay in a tub with hot water a soak, right?\r\nFriend: No, I'd call it a bath.\r\nYou: Whatever. Spell soak twice and say it 5 times please.\r\nFriend: S-o-a-k, s-o-a-k, soak, soak, soak, soak, soak.\r\nYou: (start laughing)\r\nFriend: Did I mess up?\r\nYou: No. Say joke 5 times and soak 5 times, then spell soak 3 times and joke 3 times.\r\nFriend: Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, soak, soak, soak, soak, soak, s-o-a-k, s-o-a-k, s-o-a-k, j-o-k-e, j-o-k-e, j-o-k-e.\r\nYou: Spell then say the name of the white of an egg.\r\nFriend: Y-o-l-k, yolk\r\nYou: (start laughing)\r\n\r\nYou are the only person that needs to memorize this. I am just guessing what your friend will say, but something along these lines generally happens. Your friend will not ask you if they did something wrong the last time, they will assume you were laughing because I told you to, not because they messed up. It will come to them a varied amount of time later. This is the power of word association.\r\n\r\nNOTE: Only works on some people.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16710,
"title": "Joke, Soak, Yolk"
},
{
"body": "Q. What did God say after creating Adam\r\nA. I must be able to do better than that. \r\n\r\nQ. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?\r\nA. Put the remote control between his toes.\r\n\r\nQ. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?\r\nA. A widow.\r\n\r\nQ. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?\r\nA. They won't stop to ask for directions.\r\n\r\nQ. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?\r\nA. So men can be open minded.\r\n\r\nQ. How are men and parking spots alike?\r\nA. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.\r\n\r\nQ. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common?\r\nA. They are all married.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16713,
"title": "The Stupid Male Gender!"
},
{
"body": "What starts with a p and ends with the letters orn?\r\n\r\nPopcorn! What were you thinking?\r\n\r\nWhat starts with a f and ends with the letters uck?\r\n\r\nFiretruck! What were you thinking?\r\n\r\nWhat starts with a b and ends with the letters itch?\r\n\r\nBewitch! What were you thinking?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16714,
"title": "What Were You Thinking?"
},
{
"body": "17. \"I finished the Oreo's.\"\r\n\r\n16. \"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds.\" \r\n\r\n15. \"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby.\" \r\n\r\n14. \"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever.\" \r\n\r\n13. \"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl.\" \r\n\r\n12. \"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.\" \r\n\r\n11. \"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.\" \r\n\r\n10. \"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!\" \r\n\r\n9. \"I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?\" \r\n\r\n8. \"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?\" \r\n\r\n7. \"Get your *own* ice cream.\" \r\n\r\n6. \"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.\"\r\n\r\n5. \"Got milk?\" \r\n\r\n4. \"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.\" \r\n\r\n3. \"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!\" \r\n\r\n2. \"Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.\" \r\n\r\nAnd the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..\r\n\r\n1. \"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16716,
"title": "Deadly Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife"
},
{
"body": "Going home on the bus one evening a man was whiling away the time by doing a crossword.\r\n\r\nThree more men got on the bus at the next stop, and as they passed, one said, \"If it's any help to you, 7 Up is lemonade.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16720,
"title": "The Crossword Man"
},
{
"body": "Do this on a calculator! So here's the story: a woman had 69 boobs which was too too too much. So she went to 51st street and the doctor took all the time he had and ate all the boobs and she became boobless!\r\n\r\n69 boobs\r\n222 much\r\n51st street\r\n\r\n6922251 X time \r\n\r\n6922251 X 8 ate\r\n\r\n6922251 =55378008 flip your calculator, and she became boobless!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16722,
"title": "Calculator Jokes"
},
{
"body": "A Japanese doctor says, \"Medicine in our country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks.\"\r\n\r\nA German doctor says, \"That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.\"\r\n\r\nA British doctor says, \"In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in four weeks.\"\r\n\r\nThe Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, \"You guys are way behind. We took a woman with no brains, sent her to Michigan where she became Governor, and now half the state is out looking for work.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 16723,
"title": "The World of Medicine"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock\r\nWho's there\r\nIt's me. This is not a joke.\r\nIt's me. This is not a joke. who?\r\nGrrrrrrrrrr...",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 16724,
"title": "Not Joking"
},
{
"body": "\"Go ask your mother.\" Really means.... \"I am incapable of making a decision.\"\r\n\r\n\"You know how bad my memory is.\" Really means.... \"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.\"\r\n\r\n\"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.\" Really means.... \"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.\"\r\n\r\n\"Football is a man's game.\" Really means.... \"Women are generally too smart to play it.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal.\" Really means.... \"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.\"\r\n\r\n\"I do help around the house.\" Really means.... \"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.\"\r\n\r\n\"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.\" Really means.... \"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.\"\r\n\r\n\"I can't find it.\" Really means.... \"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.\"\r\n\r\n\"What did I do this time?\" Really means.... \"What did you catch me at?\"\r\n\r\n\"What do you mean, you need new clothes?\" Really means.... \"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.\"\r\n\r\n\"She's one of those rabid feminists.\" Really means.... \"She refused to make my coffee.\"\r\n\r\n\"But I hate to go shopping.\" Really means.... \"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.\"\r\n\r\n\"No, I left plenty of gas in the car.\" Really means.... \"You may actually get it to start.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.\" Really means.... \"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.\"\r\n\r\n\"I heard you.\" Really means.... \"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.\"\r\n\r\n\"You know I could never love anyone else.\" Really means.... \"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.\"\r\n\r\n\"You look terrific.\" Really means.... \"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.\"\r\n\r\n\"I brought you a present.\" Really means.... \"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.\"\r\n\r\n\"I missed you.\" Really means.... \"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.\" Really means.... \"No one will ever see us alive again.\"\r\n\r\n\"We share the housework.\" Really means.... \"I make the messes, she cleans them up.\"\r\n\r\n\"This relationship is getting too serious.\" Really means.... \"I like you more than my truck.\"\r\n\r\n\"I recycle.\" Really means.... \"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.\"\r\n\r\n\"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.\" Really means.... \"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?\"\r\n\r\n\"It sure snowed last night.\" Really means.... \"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.\"\r\n\r\n\"It's good beer.\" Really means.... \"It was on sale.\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't need to read the instructions.\" Really means.... \"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'll fix the garbage disposal later.\" Really means.... \"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one.\"\r\n\r\n\"I broke up with her.\" Really means.... \"She dumped me.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant.\" Really means.... \"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16730,
"title": "What Men Really Mean II"
},
{
"body": "When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.\r\n\r\nI was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.\r\n\r\nI apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.\r\n\r\nI was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, \"Praise the Lord,\" \"Amen,\" and \"Glory!\" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.\r\n\r\nWhen the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, \"I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16733,
"title": "The Septic System"
},
{
"body": "\"Judi, did you ever try marriage counseling?\" Monika asked.\r\n \r\n\"No,\" Judi snarled. \"That stupid dickhead, shit-for-brains, moronic ex-husband of mind would have just told the counselor I was 'insensitive.'\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16735,
"title": "Marriage Counseling"
},
{
"body": "Try this on a friend:\r\n\r\nEvery time you say something, tell the other to say the same thing and add \"bait\" at the end.\r\nExample: fish --> fish bait\r\n\r\nfish\r\n(fish bait)\r\n\r\ndolphin\r\n(dolphin bait)\r\n\r\nseal\r\n(seal bait)\r\n\r\nI master\r\n(I masturbate!)",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 16736,
"title": "\"Bait\""
},
{
"body": "A man goes into a pet store, plants a bomb, and as he leaves, calls out, \"You have one minute to get out!\"\r\n\r\nAt that, a tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, \"You BASTARD!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16737,
"title": "Pet Store Bomb"
},
{
"body": "An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. \r\n\r\nThe boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. \r\n\r\nAs they went along they passed some people \r\nWho remarked it was a shame the old man \r\nWas walking and the boy was riding.\r\n\r\nThe man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,\r\nSo they changed positions.\r\n\r\nThen, later, they passed some people who remarked, \r\n\"What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.\"\r\n\r\nSo they then decided they'd both walk! \r\n\r\nSoon they passed some more people who thought \r\nThey were stupid to walk when they had a \r\nDecent donkey to ride. \r\nSo, they both rode the donkey.\r\n\r\nNow they passed some people \r\nWho shamed them by saying how awful to \r\nPut such a load on a poor donkey.\r\n\r\nThe boy and man figured they were probably right, \r\nSo they decide to carry the donkey. \r\n\r\nAs they crossed the bridge, \r\nThey lost their grip on the animal \r\nAnd he fell into the river and drowned.\r\n\r\nThe moral of the story?\r\n\r\nIf you try to please everyone, \r\nYou might as well.. \r\n\r\nKiss your *** goodbye!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16739,
"title": "Moral of the Story"
},
{
"body": "A man was entering a store when he noticed a sign out by the window saying that there was a contest. \r\n\r\nHe decided to join and went to the counter, the clerk had left and the man saw a piece of paper on the counter. He picked it up, and said, Answers to the Contest: #1 is dog. #2 is Big Fat Sucker and #3 is Alaska. \r\n\r\nHost: Okay, you know the rules, for each question you get right, you get one submitting, there will also be a jackpot question, if you get right you will win $500.00 \r\n\r\nMan: OK, I'm ready\r\n\r\nHost: Okay, so what is the animal that flys and sucks the blood out of you? \r\n\r\nMan: A dog! \r\n\r\nHost: No, it's a vampire bat. Okay, next question, how did George W. Bush describe himself as?\r\n\r\nMan: A Big Fat Sucker! \r\n\r\nHost: No, it is \"The Man Who Will Change the United States\" Last question, this is an easy one, where are Pandas located? \r\n\r\nMan: Alaska! \r\n\r\nHost: No, I'm sorry it is China and Tibet. \r\n\r\nMan (in disappointment decides to leave) \r\n\r\nHost (dragging the man): No, don't leave answer the jackpot question! What did Mona Lisa say to Leonardo when she was painted by him...\r\n\r\nMan (shouting): Stop! You've humiliated me in front of everyone in the world! \r\n\r\nHost (shocked): That's correct! You won the jackpot!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16740,
"title": "The Contest"
},
{
"body": "One morning, Pete and Sally decided to go out for breakfast. The waitress at The Almond Tree told them that the special that morning was two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns and toast for $3.99.\r\n\r\n\"That sounds good,\" said Sally, \"but I don't want the eggs.\"\r\n\r\n\"OK,\" said the waitress, \"but I will then have to charge you $4.50.\"\r\n\r\n\"Why?\" asked Pete, \"it doesn't make sense.\"\r\n\r\n\"Because you will then in effect be ordering a la carte,\" the waitress replied.\r\n\r\n\"Do you mean I'll have to pay for not taking the eggs?\" Sally asked.\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" replied the waitress.\r\n\r\n\"OK then, I'll take the special,\" says Sally.\r\n\r\n\"How do you want your eggs done?\" asked the waitress.\r\n\r\n\"Raw and in the shell,\" Sally replied.\r\n\r\nAt the end of the meal, Sally took the two eggs home.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16741,
"title": "No Flies on Sally!"
},
{
"body": "Mary took her husband Bernie to see a psychiatrist for a check up. After examining him, the doctor took Mary to one side and said, \"I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone.\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm not really surprised,\" Mary replied, \"Bernie's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16742,
"title": "A Piece Of It"
},
{
"body": "Private Benny and Private Harry are leading a donkey down a muddy road near their barracks when the animal suddenly just drops dead. An officer sees this happen, and while Benny and Harry are standing there wondering what they should do, the officer goes up to them. He quickly sizes up the situation and instructs them to get some shovels from the camp and bury the poor animal.\r\n\r\nLater, while they were digging the hole, Benny says, \"Wow, is this one big mule.\" Harry says, \"It's not a mule, Benny, it's a donkey.\"\r\n\r\nAs they continue to argue, \"donkey,\" \"mule,\" \"donkey,\" \"mule,\" another officer, this time a priest, stops to ask them what they are arguing about. They tell him of their disagreement. \r\n\r\nThe priest looks at the animal and says, \"It's neither a donkey or a mule. According to the bible, it is obviously an ass. Now get back to work.\"\r\n\r\nAs they continue to dig, another officer arrives on the scene and asks them, \"What are you men digging, a fox hole?\"\r\n\r\n\"No sir,\" replies Benny, \"not according to the bible.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16743,
"title": "Digging a Hole"
},
{
"body": "As part of a class project, the teacher had every student create a model rocket. When she was teaching them about how the rockets lift into the air, some kids seemed to be confused. She scolded them yelling, \"It's not that hard! It's not rocket science!\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16744,
"title": "Rocket Science"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the gay guy that put a Nicotine patch on his penis?\r\n\r\n\r\nHe's down to three butts a day!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16745,
"title": "Nicotine"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so old, she has toys made in America.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16747,
"title": "Yo Momma is So Old..."
},
{
"body": "My bus driver for my school is always trying to say that he's a gangster. But no one ever believes him so the other day I confronted him. So I asked, \"are you really a gangster\"? He sweated nervously, shaking and then he finally answered \"of course I am I'm from the West Side\". I did not feel that to be a sufficient answer so I then asked him \"West Side of where\"? He mumbled to himself a while and then answered me \"West Side of Malibu\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16750,
"title": "West Side"
},
{
"body": "Mike, a 3-year-old, proudly walked into the kitchen of his house carrying a caterpillar. However, his mother was disgusted and wanted Mike to take it outside. \r\n\r\n\"Mike, his mother is probably looking for him. Why don't you take him outside?\" said the mother.\r\n\r\nThree minutes later, Mike was back. \"Look mommy!\" he said, showing his mother two caterpillars. \"I got his mommy too!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16752,
"title": "The Caterpillar's Mother"
},
{
"body": "5 = diagonals of a pentagon.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16756,
"title": "5 = D of a P"
},
{
"body": "9 = diagonals of a hexagon.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16757,
"title": "9 = D of a H"
},
{
"body": "4 = 2+2",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16758,
"title": "4 = M B in 1 H of G"
},
{
"body": "9 = tails of a fox.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16759,
"title": "9 = T of a F"
},
{
"body": "2 = special administrative regions in China. (Hong Kong and Macau)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16760,
"title": "2 = S A R in C"
},
{
"body": "Dozen^2 = Gross.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16761,
"title": "D^2 = G"
},
{
"body": "100 = decimeters in a decameter.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16762,
"title": "100 = D in a D"
},
{
"body": "101 = keys on a computer keyboard.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16763,
"title": "101 = K on a C KB"
},
{
"body": "Jack and Jill went down the hill.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16764,
"title": "J and J W D the H"
},
{
"body": "Jack = 11 in cards.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16765,
"title": "J = 11 in C"
},
{
"body": "A few months after his parents were divorced, Nick passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, \"I need a man, I need a man!\" \r\nOver the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. \r\n\r\nOne day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. \r\n\r\nNick ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, \"Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16769,
"title": "Ohh I Need a Bike."
},
{
"body": "A few people wanted to ride a train. They brought the tickets and got on. Then they realized that the train didn't have bathrooms. One passenger had to go and he was not going to get off because the train could leave any moment.\r\nSo he stuck his butt out the window and was in the middle of his business when suddenly someone annouced,\"Hey! The passenger with the big face, you can't stick your head out the window and eat a huge piece of chocolate!!!!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 16770,
"title": "Bigface"
},
{
"body": "Yesterday my mother asked me to buy some stamps. Stamps, are available in 3p, 9p, 11p, 17p and 21p denominations. For three types of stamp I was asked to buy eight of each. For the other two types of stamp, I was asked to buy nine of each. Unfortunately I forgot which I was supposed to buy eight of and which to buy nine of. Luckily my mother had given me the exact money required to buy the stamps, \u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00a35.00 and the shopkeeper was able to give me the correct stamps. Which stamps did I buy? \r\n\r\nEight lots of 11p, 17p and 21p and nine lots of 3p and 9p. The shopkeeper rightly figured that I required eight lots of each of the stamps, which came to \u00c3\u0082\u00c2\u00a34.88, he also knew I required two more stamps which added up to the difference. QED.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16771,
"title": "Stamps"
},
{
"body": "Polly Perkins was after a talking parrot, so she went to the local pet shop in the hope of securing such a find. She was in luck. The shop assistant assured her that the parrot would learn and repeat any word or phrase it heard. Polly was delighted. However, a week later, the parrot still hadn't spoken a word. Polly returned to the shop to complain, however, it appeared that the assistant was accurate in what he had said, and refused a refund. Why didn't the parrot talk? \r\n\r\nThe parrot was deaf and as such couldn't repeat a single word it had heard!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16772,
"title": "A Talking Parrot"
},
{
"body": "HWAYETRDETIPZLHV\r\nOMNLTESOSHSUZEAE \r\n\r\n32.\r\n\r\nReading one letter from the top row and then one from the bottom row, the puzzle reads: 'How many letters does this puzzle have'.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16773,
"title": "HWAYETRDETIPZLHV OMNLTESOSHSUZEAE"
},
{
"body": "Recently, Snow White's seven dwarfs met up with three of their friends and went to the cinema to see Bambi. From the clues below, can you determine the order in which they stood in the ticket queue? \r\n\r\nGrumpy was in front of Dopey. Stumpy was behind Sneezy and Doc. Doc was in front of Droopy and Happy. Sleepy was behind Stumpy, Smelly and Happy. Happy was in front of Sleepy, Smelly and Bashful. Bashful was behind Smelly, Droopy and Sleepy. Sneezy was in front of Dopey. Smelly was in front of Grumpy, Stumpy and Sneezy. Dopey was in front of Droopy. Sleepy was in front of Grumpy and Bashful. Dopey was behind Sneezy, Doc and Sleepy. Stumpy was in front of Dopey. Smelly was behind Doc. \r\n\r\nDoc\r\nHappy\r\nSmelly\r\nSneezy\r\nStumpy\r\nSleepy\r\nGrumpy\r\nDopey\r\nDroopy\r\nBashful",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16774,
"title": "Snow White's Seven Dwarfs"
},
{
"body": "Peter decided to walk to the local waterfall, 10 miles away. At the moment he started, his dog ran off from his side and proceeded to the waterfall at a constant 8 miles per hour. As soon as the dog reached the waterfall, it started the return journey to Peter, keeping to the same speed. The dog continued this odd behaviour until Peter reached the waterfall. If Peter kept to a constant 4 miles per hour, how far did the dog run in total? \r\n\r\n20 miles: Peter took 2.5 hours to reach the waterfall. The dog was always running at 8 miles per hour, therefore it ran 20 miles.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16775,
"title": "How Far Did the Dog Run"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nKCAB KCAB \r\n\r\nBack to back: [i.e. two back(s) - written back(wards)]",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16776,
"title": "KCAB KCAB"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nEHCA \r\n\r\nBackache!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16777,
"title": "EHCA"
},
{
"body": "Can you decipher this phrase?\r\n\r\nbox box box box box\r\nbox box box box box\r\nbox box Shit box box\r\nbox box box box box\r\nbox box box box box\r\n\r\nShit in the box!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16778,
"title": "Box"
},
{
"body": "Can You Decipher This Phrase?\r\n\r\nSTEP ->\r\n\r\nA step in the right direction!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16779,
"title": "STEP ->"
},
{
"body": "Here is snippet of section A of the curious multiple-choice entrance exam into the exclusive puzzle club.\r\n\r\n1. The first question with B as the correct answer is: \r\n\r\nA. 1\r\nB. 4\r\nC. 3\r\nD. 2 \r\n\r\n2. The answer to Question 4 is: \r\n\r\nA. D\r\nB. A\r\nC. B\r\nD. C \r\n\r\n3. The answer to Question 1 is: \r\n\r\nA. D\r\nB. C\r\nC. B\r\nD. A \r\n\r\n4. The number of questions which have D as the correct answer is: \r\n\r\nA. 3\r\nB. 2\r\nC. 1\r\nD. 0 \r\n\r\n5. The number of questions which have B as the correct answer is: \r\n\r\nA. 0\r\nB. 2\r\nC. 3\r\nD. 1\r\n\r\n1. C\r\n2. D\r\n3. B\r\n4. C\r\n5. B",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16780,
"title": "Multiple-choice Questions"
},
{
"body": "A blonde couple were going on a vacation to the countryside visiting their relatives. As they soon reach their relatives' home and go in, a blackout started. \r\n\r\nOn and on the couple tried to find a source of light. Finally one of the blonde asks, \"Hey, Mary, can you find anything?\" \r\n\r\nMary replies, \"Nope, all I could find was this pair of flashlights.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16781,
"title": "Flashlights"
},
{
"body": "[Jesus signed on at 11:29 pm.]\r\nJesus: Hello and welcome to the kingdom of heaven!\r\nBob: Oh wow you mean I can come in?\r\nJesus: All are welcome. Tell me what is the way you died?\r\nBob: Well I was in a coma. Half my family wanted me on life support half didn't.\r\nJesus: I see...\r\nBob: Oh crap brb\r\n[Bob went away at 11:31 pm.]\r\nJesus: ? :(\r\n[Bob came back at 11:45 pm.]\r\nBob: Sorry other half of the family\r\nJesus: I see... now this is-\r\nBob: brb\r\n[Bob went away at 11:47 pm.]\r\nJesus: ...\r\n[Bob came back at 11:59 pm.]\r\nBob: They just can't make up their minds!\r\nJesus: Clearly...\r\nBob: So Heaven eh?\r\nJesus: Yea it's the most\r\n[Bob went away at 12:02 am]\r\nJesus: Screw this.\r\n[Jesus signed out at 12:03 am.]\r\n[Bob came back at 12:17 am]\r\nBob: Jesus they decided to let me die!\r\nBob: Both sides agreed...\r\nBob: Jesus?\r\nBob: You there?\r\n[Satan signed in at 12:19 am]",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 16782,
"title": "Jesus Christ!"
},
{
"body": "Meteorologists - People who tell something wrong and still get paid.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 16783,
"title": "Meteorologists"
},
{
"body": "Period- The thing at the end of a sentence.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16784,
"title": "Period"
},
{
"body": "1st Stage (0-8)- You believe in Santa\r\n\r\n2nd Stage (9-26)- You don't believe in Santa\r\n\r\n3rd Stage (27-45)- You are Santa\r\n\r\n4th Stage (46-80)- You look like Santa",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16785,
"title": "4 Stages in Life"
},
{
"body": "There was once a boy born named Jeff. When Jeff was born, he only had a father, since his mother had died giving birth, and as a result, he was also an only child. His father looked at his new son, proud over his new baby's good looks and wise looking appearance. The father had high hopes for his baby.\r\n\r\nSoon, Jeff was already 4, and was sent to the local preschool. There, although the teachers said that he was a little misbehaved, still socialized a lot and made many friends. As a result, Jeff made his father proud of his son. When summer came and preschool ended, the father asked his son what he wanted as a present for making him so proud. Jeff thought a second and replied, \"I want a yellow golf ball\". So, without hesitation, the happy father bought his son a yellow golf ball.\r\n\r\nTime passed, and Jeff was already in elementary school. Kindergarten was the same as preschool, so was first grade and second grade, Jeff had a great time, making friends and etc. Then when 3rd grade came Jeff was soon encountered with many obstacles, such as the popularity food chain and academics. Although, conquering these problems, Jeff managed to overcome them and get great grades, straight A's in fact. His father was so proud, and on graduation day, he asked him, \"Jeff, what do you want for your graduation present?\" Jeff replied, \"I want a yellow golf ball.\" The father now got a little curious, wondering why Jeff wanted another yellow golf ball. But, he still bought him the yellow golf ball.\r\n\r\nThe summer zipped right by, and Jeff found him into the world of middle school. 6th-8th grade was challenging and tough, and distracted by a small crush in 7th grade, Jeff got an A-, although he soon got over it and got straight A's again. By 8th grade, Jeff was Valedictorian of his grade. His father was very very proud of Jeff, and when graduation day came again, he proudly hugged his son and let everyone know it was his flesh and blood that was valedictorian of the entire grade. So, he asked his son what he wanted for his graduation present, as well as a gift fro making him so proud. Jeff, again, said, \"I want a yellow golf ball\". With these words, the father got very curious, why over these years all his son wanted were yellow golf balls? He gave him other options, \"Gee son, you know...you really made your old man proud. I'll get you anything. Do you want a, uh...Xbox 360? An HDTV? Orrr...\" Jeff just calmly said, \"I want a yellow golf ball\". Now, for the third time in his life, he bought Jeff a yellow golf ball.\r\n\r\nNow, Jeff is in High School, where real challenges came. Jeff went through things such as peer pressure, curiosity, even more academic stress, and once again, the popularity chain. Freshman year went bumpy, although Jeff still delivered his usual amount of straight A's. In Sophomore year he got a girlfriend and smoked his first cigarette, decreasing his perfect grades, piling up A-'s and even a B. Of course, she dumped him in junior year, which sent him into depression; getting B's and even a C+. Then, when the SAT's came, Jeff got serious. He prepared for it and although it was difficult, he aced it. Although, when senior year came, Jeff had to decide to completely put himself together and he quit smoking and once again managed to get the straight A's. He was, once again, valedictorian. His father was now so proud of him. After graduation, he asked his son, \"Jeff, you have filled my life with such happiness, I want to pay you back. What do YOU want the most?\" Jeff thought a second, and said, \"I want a yellow golf ball.\" There was an awkward silence, and the father was dumbfounded, and said, \"You sure? You don't...want a car or anything...maybe a pony?\" \"I want a yellow golf ball.\" \"Well...okay then.\" So, almost against his will, he bought his son another yellow golf ball.\r\n\r\nJeff got into Harvard University, and the circle once again repeated. He encountered same obstacles, which now he was prepared for and easily avoided/defeated. He got perfect scores and even a girlfriend, who dumped him shortly after. He still had many friends and got into graduate school, which he did not plan on going to since he decided he wanted to have a life. All the professors loved him, and every student looked up to him. He was the role model student of Harvard. Soon, the 4 years passed and graduation day came once again. His father had heard of him and his reputation he had made for himself at the school and for his future. He was so proud of him and thanked God for blessing him with such a talented boy as a child. Since Jeff was over 20 and officially a man now, at home after his graduation party his father popped a couple of beers and congratulated his son, and in all the happiness he asked, \"Son...I cannot even describe what you have done for me...what do you want for your present? I will get you it.\" Jeff smiled and said, \"I want a yellow golf ball\" Right there his father just stood there for 5 seconds completely dumbfounded and confused. Why were yellow golf balls such an interest to his son? They could literally afford anything now (they were rich, you know, since all his son wanted were yellow golf balls). He said, \"Are you absolutely sure? You don't want...a Ferrari, a house, a yacht?\" \"I want a yellow golf ball\" So, feeling helpless but still happy at his son's achievements, he bought Jeff a yellow golf ball.\r\n\r\nJeff soon went to live away from his father and on his own, although he still loved him very much. He became CEO of both Microsoft and Macintosh, and he managed to combine the two companies, making him dirty stinking' rich. But, he was humble and lived in a quiet house in Kentucky. However, one day tragedy struck, Jeff was engaged in a car accident involving an Asian driving student. He was hospitalized and told his condition was fatal. His father was contacted immediately. He saw his magnificent son, now in a mangled state, and in all the sadness he asked Jeff, ignoring all financial factors, what he wanted. He would get him anything, anything in the entire world. Jeff laid there in the hospital bed, weak, although through some strength, he said, \"Dad...I want...a yellow golf ball\" The father just went, \"..............\", and now furious over the curiosity, he asked his son hastily although gently, \"Why do you want a yellow golf ball? Really. All these years, why?\" \"I want a yellow golf ball.\" \"...No, not unless you tell me\" Jeff now sighed and said, \"Well, father, I want a yellow golf ball because--\"\r\n\r\nThen he died.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThis joke is dedicated to the friend that told me it, David S.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16787,
"title": "The Yellow Golf Balls"
},
{
"body": "A Blonde explains to another blonde friend:\r\n\r\n\"I failed the driving test. I entered the circle-way and the sign said \"30\" so I drove 30 times around.\"\r\n\r\nAnd the other one says:\r\n\r\n\"You probably counted wrong.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16792,
"title": "Blonde Driving Test"
},
{
"body": "1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.\r\n\r\n2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.\r\n\r\n3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.\r\n\r\n4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.\r\n\r\n5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, \"How's my driving? call 1-800-***-****.\r\n\r\n6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.\r\n\r\n7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.\r\n\r\n8. You're counting down the days until menopause.\r\n\r\n9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.\r\n\r\n10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16794,
"title": "Top Ten Reasons You Know If You Have PMS"
},
{
"body": "1. You get mad when you don't find a fly in your soup.\r\n\r\n2. You buy out the supply of wart removal cream in your drugstore constantly.\r\n\r\n3. French chefs are eyeing your legs and appear to be following you.\r\n\r\n4. Bug lamps appear to you as a curse.\r\n\r\n5. On applications, you list 'Pond' as your home address.\r\n\r\n6. Kermit is your idol.\r\n\r\n7. You get mad whenever Miss Piggy makes a pass at Kermit.\r\n\r\n8. Have seen the movie 'The Fly' at least ten times.\r\n\r\n9. You live in fear that some day you will wind up in a child's aquarium.\r\n\r\n10. France is the evil empire to you.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16795,
"title": "Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Frog"
},
{
"body": "10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.\r\n\r\n9) The sentence, \"Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?\" sounds normal.\r\n\r\n8) You are used to doing everything one-handed.\r\n\r\n7) The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.\r\n\r\n6) The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.\r\n\r\n5) Your idea of romance is handholding.\r\n\r\n4) You answer the question, \"How are you?\" with, \"We're fine.\"\r\n\r\n3) You decide whether a shirt is wearable, not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.\r\n\r\n2) You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think, \"Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in . . . babysitting?\"\r\n\r\nAnd the #1 way to tell that you're a new dad:\r\n1) It takes you two months to write and send out a simple Top-10-style joke email.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16796,
"title": "Top 10 Ways to Tell that You're a New Dad"
},
{
"body": "10. If it's wet make it dry.\r\n\r\n9. If it's dry make it wet.\r\n\r\n8. Always ask for on-call pay before agreeing to overtime.\r\n\r\n7. Never tell management what you are really thinking.\r\n\r\n6. Never finish report with, \"You have an easy assignment\".\r\n\r\n5. Never say. \"This looks like a easy assignment\".\r\n\r\n4. Don't expect nurses aids to do their job.\r\n\r\n3. Don't expect doctors to believe any thing you tell them.\r\n\r\n2. If you don't have enough time to do everything, take about 30 minutes to complain about it.\r\n\r\n1. If it moves, rattles, shakes, falls down, or won't stay in place, tape it.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 16797,
"title": "Top Ten Things You Need To Know To Be A Nurse"
},
{
"body": "Why did the moron stare at frozen orange juice? \r\nBecause it said 'concentrate.'\r\n\r\nDid you hear about the moron that got an AM radio?\r\nIt took him a month to realize he could play it at night!\r\n\r\nWhat did the moron say when he put a quarter in the parking meter?\r\nHey! Where is my gumball?\r\n\r\nWhy did the moron tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?\r\nHe didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!\r\n\r\nHow do you drown a moron?\r\nPut scratch-n-sniff stickers at the bottom of the pool!\r\n\r\nWhy did the moron climb the glass wall?\r\nTo see what was on the other side!\r\n\r\nWhy can't morons dial 911?\r\nThey can't find the 11 on the phone!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16798,
"title": "Morons"
},
{
"body": "Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. \r\nYou order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.\r\n\r\nAfter a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, \"You know, I was a fool when I married you.\" \r\nShe replied, \"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.\" \r\n\r\nMan is incomplete until he is married. \r\nThen he is finished.\r\n\r\nJust think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.\r\n\r\nYou know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she. \r\n\r\nI've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar looking for me and I asked for her number.\r\n\r\nThe theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature.\r\nThe new theory is that men don't mature. \r\nSo you might as well marry a younger one.\r\n\r\nThe difference between marriage and death? \r\nDead people are free.\r\n\r\nThe days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book\r\n\r\nLove is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.\r\n\r\nWhen a newly married man looks happy, we know why. \r\nBut when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.\r\n\r\nThere was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. \r\nThey got married, and now he is going through hell.\r\n\r\nThere was a man who said, \"I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!\"\r\n\r\nMarried life is full of excitement and frustration:\r\n* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.\r\n* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.\r\n* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.\r\n\r\nIt is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.\r\n\r\nA happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.\r\n\r\nSon: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?\r\nFather: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.\r\n\r\nSon: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.\r\nFather: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!\r\n\r\nA husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.\r\n\r\nMarriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.\r\n\r\nMarriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.\r\n\r\nMarriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16799,
"title": "List of Marriage One Liners"
},
{
"body": "But everybody looks funny naked! \r\n\r\nYou woke me up for that?\r\n\r\nDid I mention the video camera?\r\n\r\nHurry up! This room rents by the hour!\r\n\r\nCan you please pass me the remote control?\r\n\r\nDo you accept Visa?\r\n\r\nZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ\r\n\r\nOn second thought, let's turn off the lights.\r\n\r\nDo you get any premium movie channels?\r\n\r\nTry not to smear my make-up, will ya?\r\n\r\nBut I just brushed my teeth . . .\r\n\r\nSmile, you're on Candid Camera!\r\n\r\nDid you know the ceiling needs painting?\r\n\r\nDid I remember to take my pill?\r\n\r\nBut my cat always sleeps on that pillow . . .\r\n\r\nDid I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?\r\n\r\nYou're almost as good as my ex!\r\n\r\nNow I know why he/she dumped you . . .\r\n\r\nWhat are you planning to make for breakfast?\r\n\r\nI have a confession . . .\r\n\r\nYou can cook too, right?\r\n\r\nSorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.\r\n\r\nDon't mind me . . . I always file my nails in bed.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16800,
"title": "Things Not To Say On Your Wedding Night..."
},
{
"body": "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Demi Moore had a baby!\r\n\r\nGosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.\r\n\r\nDo you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?\r\n\r\nI hope you're ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.\r\n\r\nIf you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.\r\n\r\nThat was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?\r\n\r\nWhen you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.\r\n\r\nYou don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.\r\n\r\nThis whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.\r\n\r\nOops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?\r\n\r\nStop your swearing and just breathe.\r\n\r\nRemember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.\r\n\r\nYour stomach still looks like there's another one in there.\r\n\r\nYou don't have the guts to pull that trigger.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16801,
"title": "Things Not To Say During Childbirth...."
},
{
"body": "1.When you walk into the bathroom, shout loudly that you have explosive diarrhea.\r\n\r\n2.When on the urinal (make sure someone is next to you), slowly turn your head toward their genital area then swiftly turn your head back and start laughing.\r\n\r\n3.Put a mud, corn meal, crushed rotten eggs, animal (or fake) blood and marmite mixture into each one of the toilets.\r\n\r\n4.When on the toilet, make loud grunting and straining noises, making sure the person in the stall next to you can hear, then drop a melon into the toilet and give a long relaxing sigh.\r\n\r\n5.Repeat #4 only replace the dropping melon with an audio recording of an atomic bomb blast.\r\n\r\n6.Take a bag of fake blood or ketchup, and while on the toilet say loudly, \"Oh no I'm peeing blood again,\" and let the fake blood drip onto the floor, making sure the person in the stall(s) next to you can see it.\r\n\r\n7.Put big boots and a cheap pair of long pants stuffed with straw in every stall and lock the doors, making it look like it's occupied, then spike everyone's meal in the building with heavy duty prune juice.\r\n\r\n8.Hide a DVD player in the bathroom and put on a long porno, making sure it includes very seductive audio).\r\n\r\n9.Take a water gun into the bathroom and while on the toilet, spray the stall wall, and say, \"Whoa! Easy there, little fella!\"\r\n\r\n10.While on the toilet, sing, \"The Phantom Of The Opera,\" very loudly.\r\n\r\n11.(This works best in a 1-toilet bathroom or a very busy place) Take animal or fake guts into the bathroom, then try to hold up a very long line, making sure there are a lot of people waiting for the bathroom. Clog the toilet with the animal guts by forcing it to flush down, but stuck in the pipes, which will be pushed back out if flushed again (while making loud grunting noises for the people outside to hear). Walk out of the stall and ignore the line of pissed off people waitign to use the toilet, wait in the bathroom entrance. When you hear the first flush, listen to the screams and people rushing out of the bathroom.\r\n\r\n12.Put a walkie-talkie behind one of the toilets while you're holding the other one, hide in the vents. When a person walks into the stall with the walkie-talkie and begin to take a dump, make loud farting noises and explosion sounds with into your walkie-talkie.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 16802,
"title": "12 Things a Man Can Do in the Bathroom"
},
{
"body": "Excuse Notes from Parents ...\r\n\r\nThese are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston...\r\n\r\nMy son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.\r\n\r\nPlease excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.\r\n\r\nDear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.\r\n\r\nPlease excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s]\r\n\r\nPlease excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.\r\n\r\nPlease excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.\r\n\r\nPlease excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.\r\n\r\nSally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.\r\n\r\nMy daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.\r\n\r\nPlease excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.\r\n\r\nGloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.\r\n\r\nPlease excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.\r\n\r\nMaryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16803,
"title": "Real Notes"
},
{
"body": "Can you complete this sentence using two words which are anagrams of each other? \r\n\r\nWhilst driving his car at a reckless speed, the driver was distracted by his dog _______. Luckily, he managed to complete the _______ manoeuvre without crashing. \r\n\r\nWhilst driving his car at a reckless speed, the driver was distracted by his dog barking. Luckily, he managed to complete the braking manoeuvre without crashing.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16804,
"title": "Anagrams"
},
{
"body": "I have a machine which has four cog wheels in constant mesh. The largest cog has 72 teeth and the others have 36, 25 and 15 respectively. How many revolutions must the largest cog make before each of the cogs is back in its starting position? \r\n\r\n25 revolutions.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16805,
"title": "A Machine"
},
{
"body": "Remove seven letters from this grid to leave two numbers. \r\n\r\nS F E V E\r\nI N L V E\r\nT E T F E\r\nR O S U R \r\n\r\nSimply remove 'SEVEN LETTERS' and you are left with FIVE and FOUR:\r\n- F - - -\r\nI - - V -\r\n- E - F -\r\n- O - U R",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16806,
"title": "Remove Seven Letters"
},
{
"body": "What starts with an E, ends with an E and usually contains only one letter? \r\n\r\nENVELOPE!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16807,
"title": "One Letter"
},
{
"body": "I was traveling from Chesterton to Newcastle recently when I came across a sign which had fallen off its post at the crossroads. It was marked to Newcastle, Chesterton, Knutton and Silverdale. Unfortunately I didn't know which road to take to Newcastle and had hoped the sign would help. Luckily, I had a great idea which helped me put the sign back up pointing correctly to Newcastle. What was my idea? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nI simply pointed Chesterton back the way I had come and this left the sign in its correct orientation.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16808,
"title": "The Fallen Sign"
},
{
"body": "Which word is the odd one out: \r\n\r\nfootball polo badminton baseball golf tennis cricket billiards rugby \r\n\r\nBadminton.\r\n\r\nThis is the only sport which does not use a ball, it uses a shuttlecock.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16809,
"title": "Odd One Out"
},
{
"body": "Can You Decipher This Phrase?\r\n\r\nLASE \r\n\r\nThere are two possible answers. \r\n\r\nArgon laser: the 'R' has gone.\r\nOr, jumble sale: the letters of sale are jumbled.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16811,
"title": "LASE"
},
{
"body": "During a recent expedition, three intrepid adventurers were left stranded in the middle of the desert with only a crate full of apples. During the night, Alan woke up and decided to hide his share of the apples, one-third, then promptly fell asleep again. Brian woke up shortly after and also decided to hide a third of the remaining apples and he also dozed back to sleep. Finally, Charlie woke up and seeing the others were asleep, took a third of what was left. Of course none of the adventurers knew of the other's antics, so, in the morning, they shared the remaining apples, each receiving sixteen. How many apples were in the crate originally? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n162 apples.\r\n\r\nAlan hid 54, leaving 108. Brain hid 36, leaving 72. Charlie hid 24, leaving 48. 48 apples were then available to share in the morning.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16812,
"title": "How Many Apples"
},
{
"body": "At the end of the last volleyball season, the main results table had been destroyed. Luckily, a number of people could remember the following snippets: \r\n\r\nArlington Wonderers finished above The Golf GTI and Derby Surefires. Eagle Cherrys finished above Arlington Wonderers, The Golf GTI and Derby Surefires. Happy Hours finished above Brookside Magic and Eagle Cherrys. Eagle Cherrys finished above Foxtrot Kilos and Chippy Flippers. The Golf GTI finished below Chippy Flippers and Eagle Cherrys. Foxtrot Kilos finished before Brookside Magic, Derby Surefires and The Golf GTI. Derby Surefires finished below Foxtrot Kilos, Chippy Flippers and Brookside Magic. Arlington Wonderers finished below Chippy Flippers and Eagle Cherrys. Brookside Magic finished below Eagle Cherrys, Foxtrot Kilos and The Golf GTI. Derby Surefires finished below The Golf GTI and Eagle Cherrys. Foxtrot Kilos finished below Arlington Wonderers and Eagle Cherrys. \r\n\r\nCan you restore the correct league positions?\r\n\r\nHappy Hours\r\nEagle Cherrys\r\nChippy Flippers\r\nArlington Wonderers\r\nFoxtrot Kilos\r\nThe Golf GTI\r\nBrookside Magic\r\nDerby Surefires",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16813,
"title": "Volleyball Season"
},
{
"body": "Team has no \"I\" in it, but it does have a \"M\" and \"E\" in it, making \"me\".",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16814,
"title": "Team"
},
{
"body": "One day little Billy went screaming to his mom, \"Mommy! Mommy! Theres a shrimp stuck between grandma's legs!\"\r\n\r\n His mother, intruiged by this, brought Billy to grandma, who was sleeping on the bed with her legs apart. \r\n\r\n The mother looked and laughed and said, \"Why, that's not a shrimp! That's her privates, a vagina!\"\r\n\r\n Billy smiled and said, \"Really? It sure tastes like shrimp...\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 16821,
"title": "Grandma's Shrimps"
},
{
"body": "A woman named Denise couldn't read her book. Her daughter Kelly was clicking away on the computer, but this time she was talking in a strange voice.\r\nDenise decided to go check on what Kelly was doing. \"Kelly,\" she said in a stern tone, \"I told you no talking on the computer when I'm trying to read!\"\r\nHer daughter looked confused. \"What? It was just the man with the Apple iPhone.\"\r\nThe next day the Apple iPhone arrived, but Kelly was grounded from her computer for a month. Denise tried to read, but yet again Kelly was talking in that strange voice. She said the same thing to Kelly, but she simply responded, \"What? It's just the man with the Wii.\"\r\nThe Wii arrived the next day and Kelly was now grounded from every electronic system there ever was. But Kelly was still talking in that voice! Denise was steaming now and threatened to ground Kelly for a year. \"WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?\" Denise yelled.\r\nKelly was trembling, but calmly she said, \"It's Dad. He's been talking right next to me every day.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16822,
"title": "Apple IPhone"
},
{
"body": "This is a collection of a few of the Redneck lines I've heard (and can remember) over the years . . . \r\n\r\nYou know you're a redneck when:\r\n\r\nYou need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. \r\n\r\nYour wife weighs more than your refrigerator. \r\n\r\nYour shopping list only has beer on it.\r\n\r\nThe biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.\r\n\r\nYou have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.\r\n\r\nYou move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.\r\n\r\nYou go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.\r\n\r\nYou mow your lawn and find a car.\r\n\r\nYour \"pet\" eats more than you.\r\n\r\nYou can spit without opening your mouth.\r\n\r\nYou refer to sixth grade as \"your senior year\".\r\n\r\nYou refer Chuck Norris as: God, Santa Claus, and the Harvest Man.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 16825,
"title": "Collection of \"You Know You're a Redneck When...\""
},
{
"body": "Managed to remember some MORE Redneck lines while hearing a couple more.\r\n\r\nYou know you're a redneck when:\r\n\r\nYou lost your virginity at the age of 11.\r\n\r\nYou need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.\r\n\r\nTaking a dip has nothing to do with water.\r\n\r\nThere are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.\r\n\r\nYou take a fishing pole to Sea World.\r\n\r\nThe hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.\r\n\r\nYour TV is a bag of manure on fire.\r\n\r\nYour \"family reunion\" was at the NRA convention.\r\n\r\nSanta Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.\r\n\r\nYou've shot somebody over a mall parking space.\r\n\r\nYour toilet paper has page numbers on it.\r\n\r\nMaking a chocolate cake has nothing to do with chocolate.\r\n\r\nYou think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid \r\ntaste test.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 16826,
"title": "Collection of \"You Know You're a Redneck When...\" Number 2"
},
{
"body": "Got some more Redneck lines . . .\r\n\r\nYou know you're a Redneck when:\r\n\r\nMore than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.\r\n\r\nThe receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.\r\n\r\nYou think the stock market has a fence around it.\r\n\r\nGoing to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.\r\n\r\nYou have a Ku Klux Klan uniform somewhere in your trailer.\r\n\r\nYour boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.\r\n\r\nYour amount of children is more than the amount of Oompa Loompas in Willy Wonka's factory.\r\n\r\nYour front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.\r\n\r\nYour coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.\r\n\r\nYou keep a can of DDT on the kitchen table.\r\n\r\nYou've smashed a computer once, claiming it was a \"scary robot from the future\".\r\n\r\nYou've used a toilet seat as a picture frame.\r\n\r\nYou own a homemade fur coat.\r\n\r\nYour Christmas tree is still up in February.\r\n\r\nYou've totaled every car you've ever owned.\r\n\r\nYou've ever been arrested for loitering.\r\n\r\nThere is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.\r\n\r\nYou hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.\r\n\r\nYou've ever shot anyone for looking at you.\r\n\r\nYour momma has \"ammo\" on her Christmas list.\r\n\r\nYou think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.\r\n\r\nYour wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.\r\n\r\nYou've mistaken your wife for a bear.\r\n\r\nYou've attended a shotgun wedding.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 16827,
"title": "Collection of \"You Know You're a Redneck When...\" Number 3"
},
{
"body": "Now here's a classic joke that's been told by many kids, that should be very well known . . . anyway, after you read this, it's funny to try it on someone\r\n\r\nAfter every statement, say, \"Behind the rock\"\r\n\r\n\r\n1. Billy went\r\n\r\n\r\n2. He took off his shoes\r\n\r\n\r\n3. He took off his socks\r\n\r\n\r\n4. He took off his shirt\r\n\r\n\r\n5. He took off his pants\r\n\r\n\r\n6. He took off his undies\r\n\r\n\r\n7. He made out with someone\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n8. Where were you?",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16828,
"title": "Behind The Rock"
},
{
"body": "Politically correct word for dead: Living Impaired",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16840,
"title": "Don't Insult Those in Coffins..."
},
{
"body": "Was there any doubt?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16841,
"title": "I Am A Bitch!"
},
{
"body": "\"I wonder if my friend, Kent as submitted a joke about me saying how brave I am.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16844,
"title": "I Wonder"
},
{
"body": "Would you like some chocolate ice cream and lemonade?\r\n\r\nYes?\r\n\r\nOk!\r\n\r\n*shits* chocolate ice cream and *pisses* lemonade!that would be $5.00",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 16845,
"title": "Natural Sweets"
},
{
"body": "There was a nearly-new television for sale the other day. It has a 42-inch plasma screen, and I bought it for $50.\r\n\r\nThe only thing wrong was that there was no volume control - but at that price, I couldn't turn it down!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16846,
"title": "The Television Bargain"
},
{
"body": "A tramp knocked on the door of a house.\r\n\r\n\"What do you want?\" said the owner.\r\n \r\n\"Can you spare some money to help a poor person?\" said the beggar. As soon he was given a few coins and told to go on his way, the beggar complained, \"Your son gave me twice as much when I called here last week.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, my son can afford to,\" said the owner, \"he has a very rich father.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16847,
"title": "Huh?"
},
{
"body": "Elsie walked into a print lab to have a photo of her deceased husband copied and retouched.\r\n\r\nShe said to the technician, \"I have always hated the hat that my husband is wearing in the photo. Could you please retouch the hat out?\" \"Of course,\" said the technician; \"what colour hair did your husband have?\"\r\n\r\n\"When you take the hat off, you'll see,\" she said.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16848,
"title": "Obvious, Isn't It?"
},
{
"body": "A boy was assigned a job to do a list of spelling words for his class. The boy asked the teacher what spelling words to do. She replies \"Ask your family for help if you can't think of anything.\" So the boy went home to ask his family for any help.\r\n\r\n\r\n\"Mom, can you give me a spelling word for my list?\" the boy asked. The mother was so busy on the phone, that she told her son to shut up. The boy thought \"Shut Up!\" was the word that his mother gave him. So he wrote it down, and walked along to his sister's room. His sister was on the computer, reading about a diary out loud. The boy asked the same thing to his sister, except this time, she replies with \"Whatever..\" So the boy wrote it down, and moved along to his brother's room. The brother was watching Batman. When he came in, before even asking the question, the brother started to sing the batman theme song. \"DUN-DUN..DUN-DUN!!!BATMAN!!\" So the boy thought his brother was a physic and wrote it down. Last, but not least, his father was the last one. His father was in the bathroom, washing the toilet. He started to sing his favorite song during cleaning time. \"In the toi--lot.. INNNNNN the TOI--LOT!!! The boy wrote that down without a doubt. Then, as he finished packing his bag for school tomorrow, he re-read the paper. Then he snickered, put the paper in his bag, and went to sleep.\r\n\r\nThe next day, the boy quickly came into the class with the other kids. The teacher asked the boy if he could read the first word, the boy did as he was told, and said \"Shut Up!!\" The teacher was very displeased and told the boy a warning. The boy continued to read his words even if he wasn't told. He said \"Whatever..\" in a tone that wasn't very nice. So the teacher did as her words told her, she sent him to the principal's office. The principal asked what was the boy's name. With that, he continued to say his list of words. \"DUN-DUN..DUN-DUN!!!BATMAN!!\" Then principal was a bit of surprised, but still guessing the boy thinks this is a game, so he went along. \"Ok batman, why don't you tell me where your hideout is.. The boy said \"In the toi--lot.. INNNNNN the TOI--LOT!!!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16851,
"title": "Boy With His Spelling Words.."
},
{
"body": "The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.\r\n\r\nI had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.\r\n\r\nI put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.\r\n\r\nI bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... \"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!\" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16852,
"title": "Funny Dog Stories"
},
{
"body": "I want to kick the guy who invented the snooze button...then five minutes later, I'll kick him again.\r\nThanks Andrew!",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16853,
"title": "Who Invented the Snooze Button?"
},
{
"body": "Little Brother: How long is a strong?\r\nBig Sister: Huh?\r\nLittle Brother: Well, I've heard of a week...",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16854,
"title": "Does Anybody Really Know What Time it Is?"
},
{
"body": "Conserve water and electricity, shower with a steamy hot friend.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16855,
"title": "Hey, You Wanna?"
},
{
"body": "A blonde's boyfriend, planning to stop at the bakery says, \"I'm going to go pick up a blondie. I want a smoking hot fresh one.\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde replies, \"Well, then we're over. Go ahead and get a new girlfriend. A nice blondie!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16856,
"title": "Blondie"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, she cut herself and bled gravy!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16858,
"title": "Yo Momma So Fat"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's lips are so big, she made Angelina Jolie jealous!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16859,
"title": "Yo Momma's Lips Are So Big!"
},
{
"body": "Philip is telling his friends about his recent divorce.\r\n\r\n\"Yes, it's true. Sylvie divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16860,
"title": "We All Have Our Reasons"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's breath smells so bad, her teeth duck when she yawns!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16861,
"title": "Yo Momma's Breath Smells So Bad!"
},
{
"body": "A recent immigrant had just completed a training course titled, 'Improve your English' and was taking an oral exam. \r\n\r\nThe examiner asked him to spell 'cultivate.' Jacob spelled it correctly.\r\n\r\nThe examiner then asked Jacob to use the word 'cultivate' in a sentence.\r\n\r\nJacob thought about it for a while, then replied, \"Last winter, on a very cold day, I was waiting for the bus but it was too cultivate so I walked home.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16862,
"title": "Cultivate"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so ugly, you can press her face in some dough and make gorilla cookies!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16863,
"title": "Yo Momma's So Ugly!"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16864,
"title": "Yo Momma So Ugly"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so ugly the plastic surgeon sued her.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16866,
"title": "Yo Momma So Ugly"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so ugly she made a mime scream.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16867,
"title": "Yo Momma So Ugly"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so ugly they renamed \"Halloween\" \"Yo-momma-ween\".",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16868,
"title": "Yo Momma So Ugly"
},
{
"body": "Sharon and her friend Kitty, two little elderly ladies, are out for a drive in a large Mercedes with Kitty driving and Sharon in the front passenger seat. After a few minutes, they come to some traffic lights but although the lights are clearly at red, the car just continues across the intersection.\r\n\r\nSharon says to herself, \"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.\"\r\n\r\nA few minutes later, they come to another set of lights and again they go through red, this time narrowly missing a car driving across them. Although Sharon is sure the light was at red, she is still convinced she is losing it. She is now getting very nervous.\r\n\r\nAt the next intersection, the light is again showing red and as before, the car goes across without slowing, so Sharon turns to Kitty and says, \"Hey, did you know that you just passed 3 red lights in a row? What on earth are you doing \u00e2\u0080\u0093 are you trying to kill us?\"\r\n\r\nKitty turns to Sharon and replies, \"Oh! Am I driving?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16875,
"title": "The Car Journey"
},
{
"body": "Jack and Joe are in a diner where there's a computer who gives advice to the people in the diner. Jack starts talking about how the two are going to graduate from high school when a young boy walks in. He explains his problem to the computer, which gladly offers him advice. The boy walks out happily.\r\nThe computer comes over to Jack and Joe. Joe asks, \"Hey, how come you never help us with our problems?\"\r\nThe computer answers, \"I'm just a computer. I'm not a miracle maker.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16881,
"title": "Jack and Joe"
},
{
"body": "You perverts..",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16883,
"title": "Big Fat Penis"
},
{
"body": "What color is red? True or false?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16884,
"title": "Red"
},
{
"body": "There once was a man who couldn't speak correctly. He wanted to go buy some stuff for his wife. First, he needed to buy a bucket. \"Excuse me sir, can I buy a fuck-it?\" the man asked. The clerk said, \"You mean a bucket?\" \"Yes, that's what I said, a fuck-it.\" While the man was walking he found some gum. \"Oh look, bum.\" He took the gum and walked to the pet store. He wanted to buy a cocker spaniel. \"Excuse me sir, can I buy a cock-and-spank-it?\" \"Sure, but you do mean a cocker spaniel?\" \"Yes, that's what I said, a cock-and-spank-it.\" \r\n\r\nAs the man was walking, and his dog ran away. The man asked a stranger, \"Excuse me miss, can you hold my bum and fuck-it, while I get my cock-and-spank-it?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16886,
"title": "The Man Who Can't Speak Clearly"
},
{
"body": "A little boy walks into a ice cream parlor to buy ice cream.\r\n\r\nWorker: Hello little boy, can I help you?\r\n\r\nLittle boy: Yes, I want some chocolate ice cream, please.\r\n\r\nWorker: Sorry, we're out of choclate.\r\n\r\nLittle boy: Ok, I'll have some...........chocolate.\r\n\r\nWorker: Once again, we're out of chocolate, pick another flavor.\r\n\r\nLittle boy: Hm................ I like chocolate!\r\n\r\nWorker thinks to himself.\r\n\r\nWorker: So boy, do you want some chocolate?\r\n\r\nLittle boy: But there is no freakin chocolate!\r\n\r\nWorker: Exactly!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16887,
"title": "Choclate Ice Cream"
},
{
"body": "Jenny walks into a pet shop and says to Bobby, the owner, \"I want to buy a canary.\" \"We have many types,\" says Bobby, \"is there any particular one you're after?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" replies Jenny, \"its got to be a very good singer. I'm prepared to pay good money for a great singing bird.\" \r\n\"Lady, I've got the very one,\" says Bobby, \"I've been in this business for a long time and this bird has the best singing voice I've ever heard - we don't call it 'Pavarotti' for nothing. I'll get it for you.\"\r\n\r\nAs he begins to climb a ladder to reach a small cage on the top shelf, Jenny says, \"I hope you're not wasting your time. Just because you're climbing a ladder like a monkey won't make me feel obliged to buy this canary if it's not a real singing canary.\"\r\n\r\nBobby brings down the cage, places it on the shop counter and says to Jenny, \"Just you listen.\" With that, the bird begins singing one beautiful song after another. Pleasantly surprised, Jenny murmurs, \"What luck - this canary really can sing.\" But then, a few seconds later, Jenny shouts out, \"Hey, this canary's only got one leg - are you trying to cheat me?\"\r\n\r\nBobby replies, \"Lady, do you want a singer or a dancer?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16888,
"title": "Jenny's Wren"
},
{
"body": "I went for a 5 mile run today. 2 laps around yo mum!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16889,
"title": "5 Mile Run"
},
{
"body": "A lady goes to a menswear shop to buy clothes for her husband. When she finds the clothes she likes she goes up to the counter and says, \"I would like to buy these please.\" The man at the counter says, \"Certainly, but you must sign this form.\" The lady says \"Why?\" but the man ignores her. The form reads as follows:\r\n\r\n\r\nTitle: _____ Full Name: _______________________\r\n\r\n\r\nShe fills it in like this:\r\n\r\n\r\nTitle: Ms Full Name: Jenny Hollows\r\n\r\n\r\nThe man at the counter asks, \"What does the 'Ms' mean? Does it mean you are divorced?\" and the woman responds with, \"It is non specific. It is none of your business if I am divorced or not!\" The man says \"Wow! Men should get one like that!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16891,
"title": "Mr/Ms/Miss"
},
{
"body": "\"Tomorrow is a boiling hot day, at 10 degrees Fahrenheit. The day after that is the same temperature, as well as the next and the next. Won't these temperatures ever cool down?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 16892,
"title": "Never Have an Eskimo As a Meteorologist"
},
{
"body": "\"Ciao amico, desidero comprare un mazzo di banane.\" \r\n\"Il compagno spiacente, questo \u00c3\u00a8 un farmacista.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 16893,
"title": "Comprendo>?"
},
{
"body": "Tommy was dying. His wife was with him, standing next to his bed. As he was drawing his last few breaths, he gasped, \"Helen, I have one last request.\" \"Of course, Tommy, what is it?\" Helen asked softly.\r\n \r\n\"Six months after I die,\" he said, \"I want you to marry Louis.\" \"But I thought you hated Louis,\" said Helen.\r\n \r\nWith his final breath, Tommy said, \"I do.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16894,
"title": "Revenge From the Grave!"
},
{
"body": "Bernie has been ill for some months and then suddenly dies. As is the custom, his wife Sadie puts an advert in the 'deaths' section of the Chronicle, but this advert is slightly unusual \u00e2\u0080\u0093 it states that Bernie died of gonorrhoea. Immediately, a close friend of Bernie rings Sadie to complain.\r\n\r\n\"Sadie,\" he says, \"you know full well that Bernie died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea, so why did you word the advert incorrectly?\"\r\n\r\n\"I looked after Bernie day and night for over 3 months,\" replies Sadie, \"so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for people to remember Bernie as a great lover rather than the big sh*t he was.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16895,
"title": "Madness In Her Method"
},
{
"body": "At the end of a hard year's work, Bobby decides to take a holiday right away and he books himself on a Caribbean cruise. The first few days of the cruise are perfect but then calamity - the ship sinks and Bobby ends up on a small, uncharted island. He looks around and sees that there is nothing nearby except bananas and coconuts. Still, these are better than starving to death.\r\n\r\nTen weeks later, as he is sitting in the shade, to his surprise a small boat lands on the beach and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets out, walks over to him and says, \"Hi.\"\r\n\r\nHe can't believe his luck. He replies, \"Hi to you too. Where on earth have you come from? How did you get here? What's your name?\"\r\n\r\n\"Hold on,\" she says, \"one question at a time. I landed on the other side of this island about 10 weeks ago when my cruise liner sank. I've just rowed here from the other side. Oh, and my name is Hannah.\" \r\n\r\n\"That's amazing, Hannah,\" he says. \"My name is Bobby. You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, this?\" replies Hannah, \"I made it myself out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars are made from pine tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides came from a Eucalyptus tree.\" \"But where did you get the tools from?\" he asks.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, I made the tools myself,\" replies Hannah. \"I found an unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock which I heated in my kiln. It melted into a soft iron-like material which I used to make the tools which in turn I used to make the boat.\"\r\n\r\nBobby is silent. He can't believe her skills. \"If it's OK with you, why don't I now row you to my place?\" she says. \r\nBobby just nods his acceptance.\r\n\r\nIt takes Hannah just ten minutes to row to her place. As they near the shore, Bobby is surprised to see a stone walkway leading up to a very smart sky blue bungalow. Hannah ties up her boat at a small jetty using a hand made flaxen rope, and they enter the bungalow.\r\n\r\n\"It's not really much,\" says Hannah, \"but to me, Bobby, it's home. Please sit down and I'll get you a drink.\" \r\n\"No thanks,\" Bobby replies, \"I just couldn't drink any more coconut juice.\"\r\n\r\n\"But you don't have to have coconut juice,\" says Hannah, \"How about a Pina Colada? I've made a still.\" As they sit down on her hand made couch drinking their Pina Coladas, Bobby looks around and is amazed at what Hannah has achieved in such a short time. After a while, Hannah gets up and says, \"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. While you're waiting, why don't you take a shower and then have a shave? You'll find a razor in the bathroom cabinet.\"\r\n\r\nBobby goes into the bathroom and runs his bath. It even has hot water from a kind of thermal heating device Hannah has rigged up. After his bath, he goes to the wooden cabinet and finds a razor made of shells roped together inside a swivel mechanism. While he's having an excellent shave, Bobby thinks, \"Hannah is unbelievable, truly amazing - whatever will I discover next? She can do anything.\" \r\n\r\nWhen he returns, Hannah greets him wearing only a few carefully placed vine leaves and smelling of honeysuckle - she looks utterly fantastic. Hanna beckons Bobby to sit next to her, which he does. Hannah smiles at Bobby in a seductive manner and slithers up closer to him.\r\n\r\n\"Bobby,\" she says, staring into his eyes, \"we've both been out here for 10 weeks. Now you've found me, is there something you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all these weeks. You know...\" \r\n\r\nBobby can't believe it. \"You mean - I can check my e-mails from here?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16896,
"title": "The Desert Isle"
},
{
"body": "When my pap was younger, his family didn't have much money. One year for Christmas, his mother cut a hole in the front of his underwear so he would have something to play with.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16898,
"title": "A True Story"
},
{
"body": "Ok, now the last time I did this, I got a lot of comments saying that there's no point, and they only submit things they think is funny and blah blah blah.\r\n\r\nWell, anyways, I'm planning to do this.... again.. and by the way, I think it'd be extremely funny.\r\n\r\nEveryone, please give this a full smiley. Sooner or later, this is going to become the highest rated \"joke\". I figured it'd be extremely funny if the highest rated joke, wasn't even a joke at all... \r\n\r\nThanks a billion for your cooperation!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16899,
"title": "Please Do This"
},
{
"body": "knock knock,\r\nwho's there\r\nanimal\r\nanimal who?\r\nanimal i kin git lots of stuff\r\niffn i have ta money",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16901,
"title": "Whos There?"
},
{
"body": "A man goes to the store with a list of things he needs to buy for his wife, and as he is going in he sees a child with free kittens.\r\nHe continues and buys the things on the list.\r\nOn the way out he sees the free kittens again and no-one has taken any. \r\nSo he takes his things to his car, comes backs and takes the SIX kittens that are left.\r\nHe goes home brings in the groceries and then the six kittens. when his wife sees the six kittens she says \"Why do you have six kittens, six kittens!\"\r\nHusband calmly replys, \"Six kittens hell, those are six pale bearers for your dead pussy!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16902,
"title": "True Story"
},
{
"body": "Inside i could hear a lot of bass noise pumping. I went outside to see what it was and i found out it was a drummer practicing. I went inside and told my family that the player made a mistake and said dammit. My brother said \"I wonder which band it was?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16903,
"title": "Which Band"
},
{
"body": "A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.\r\n\r\nHe replied, \"No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it.\"\r\n\r\nSo the bartender said, \"Well, would you like a cigarette?\"\r\n\r\nBut the man said, \"No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it.\"\r\n\r\nThe bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, \"No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son.\"\r\n\r\nThe bartender said, \"Your only son, I'm guessing.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 16904,
"title": "Deadbeat in a Bar"
},
{
"body": "Two people were at a bar resting when one said, \"I wish I was God.\" The other said, \"Are you mad?\" And the other says, \"How could you say such a thing?\" and the reply is, \"I don't want to have to lose all of Buddha's fat!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 16906,
"title": "Buddha"
},
{
"body": "I'm a nobody and nobody is perfect - therefore, I am perfect.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16907,
"title": "I'm a Nobody"
},
{
"body": "Now, my brother ALWAYS daydreams. He just can't help it. He also likes getting me to feel bad.\r\n\r\nI just got a new IPod and my brother says whenever I put it in my ears that i have turned into a zombie. When we were out for a bike ride down through the park he wouldn't stay left (We live in the southern hemisphere) and so other people on the track had to move to the right to get past. I screamed out to him to go left when i had my IPod in and he said \"What.\" I said \"Left, L-E-F-T. Gosh you can't hear anything when you daydream.\" And his response was \"No you can't hear anything with your IPod in, I know what you said, you said FELT.\" I wonder who is the one that can't hear?",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16909,
"title": "Felt"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock\r\nWho's there? \r\nBoo\r\nBoo who? \r\nI don't know, but stop your crying!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16910,
"title": "Knock-Knock"
},
{
"body": "Saint Peter asked the new arrival, \"And what bad things did you do while you were on Earth?\"\r\nThe man thought a moment. \"Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale, and I had some extra-marital sex, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't technically have \"sexual relations\". I lied some, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I never committed perjury.\" Saint Peter looked concerned.\r\n\"Okay, here's the deal,\" said Saint Peter. \"We'll send you someplace very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'. You'll be there for an indefinite time, but we won't call it 'eternity,' and you don't need to 'abandon all hope' upon entering, but don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 16911,
"title": "YOU Know Who I Mean!"
},
{
"body": "There once was a village, it was powerful and had the strongest warriors, one day, a tourist goes to them and says they were cowards, they yelled and beat him, but finally, the tourist said, \"This book says that the Paccachu are selfish people who steal, and are cannibals.\" The villagers looking at the book scream and run around the village. One man however, looks at the book and laughs. The man stays where he is and doesn't panic like his fellow village.\r\n\r\nThe tourist, finally gathering enough courage asks him, \"How come your not scared?\" The man smirks and replies, \"I can't read.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16912,
"title": "The Curse"
},
{
"body": "Early one morning, the milkman was doing his rounds. He stopped at a house to ask for his monthly fee, only to find a small boy at the door slurping from a beer bottle, smoking a Havana cigar, and with his arm around what appeared to be a call-girl. Surprised, the milkman asked the boy if his parents were home.\r\n\r\n\"Does it fucking look like it?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16915,
"title": "The Milkman and a Child"
},
{
"body": "An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.\r\n\r\n\"Yech!\" says the woman. \"Get some toilet paper.\"\r\n\r\n\"What for?\" says the man. \"He must be half-a-mile away by now.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16919,
"title": "It's Not For Him, Stupid!"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: John, where are the Great Plains?\r\n\r\nJohn: At the airport.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16921,
"title": "Great Plains"
},
{
"body": "Are the Wocka ads annoying you? This is an updated version to tell you how to block them. It might take too long for you to reach the 5000 point milestone and therefore automatically get rid of the ads.\r\n\r\nIf they do annoy you, here's a way to remove them:\r\n\r\n1. Open \"my computer\", locate the windows directory (for example, C:\\windows).\r\n\r\n2. Enter its subdirectory system32\\drivers\\etc (the full path might be something like C:\\windows\\system32\\drivers\\etc). You can find a file named \"host\".\r\n\r\n3. Use the \"notepad\" (which is being used to open .txt files) to open this file, and add these lines: \r\n127.0.0.1 pagead2.googlesyndication.com\r\n127.0.0.1 media.fastclick.net\r\n127.0.0.1 www.burstnet.com\r\n\r\n4. Save it, and shut down all your existing IE windows.\r\n\r\n5. Open your IE again, and enter Wocka. You won't see the annoying ads anymore (although the google search will be still there.)\r\n\r\n6. If you still have any questions, please send me a private message.\r\n\r\n7. Enjoy it!",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 16922,
"title": "Are the Wocka Ads Annoying You? (Updated Version)"
},
{
"body": "One there was a wrestler in a very, very light weight wrestling match. He only weighed 135 pounds and his opponent even less than that. He was just about to wrestle that day when his coach dragged him off the ring. \"I need to speak with him,\" the coach called.\r\n\"Why'd you take me out?\" asked the wrestler, nervous. \"What did I do?\"\r\n\"Calm down. I don't think you're fit to beat your opponent.\"\r\n\"Yeah, well, I doubt it, Coach. I could carry that guy in the palm of my hand. He only weighs 85 pounds, maybe 90.\"\r\n\"Yes, but he has a lot of muscle!\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 16923,
"title": "Wrestling Coach"
},
{
"body": "During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.\r\n\r\nThe irate ground controller (a female) screamed, \"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta.' Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but try to get it right!\"\r\n\r\nContinuing her tongue lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, \"God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?\"\r\n\r\nThe humbled crew responded, \"Yes, Ma'am.\"\r\n\r\nThe ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state, and tension in every cockpit was running high. \r\n\r\nEventually an unknown male pilot broke the silence, asking, \"Controller, wasn't I married to you once?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16924,
"title": "Mind Your P's & Q's"
},
{
"body": "1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave \"Slim Jim\" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.\r\n\r\n2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.\r\n\r\n3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, \"Hooray! You're back!\" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, \"Shouldn't you be going now?\"\r\n\r\n4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for him/her to come home.then act surprised. Say, \"Uh-oh, it looks like, they, were here again.\"\r\n\r\n5. Every time you see your roommate yell, \"You jerk\" and kick him/her in the stomach. Then immediately buy him/her some ice cream.\r\n\r\n6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been cold lately.\r\n\r\n7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.\r\n\r\n8. Eat lots of \"Lucky Charms.\" Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.\r\n\r\n9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.\r\n\r\n10. \"Drink\" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.\r\n\r\n11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.\r\n\r\n12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, \"Help! Where the hell am I?!?\", then run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.\r\n\r\n13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, \"It's spreading, it's spreading.\"\r\n\r\n14. Buy a McDonald's \"Happy Meal\" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.\r\n\r\n15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, \"I can't live in the same room with you,\" storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.\r\n\r\n16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for ten minutes.\r\n\r\n17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.\r\n\r\n18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, \"Soon, soon...\"\r\n\r\n19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, \"Don't come in, I'm naked!\" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.\r\n\r\n20. Bring in potential \"new\" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, \"Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer.\"\r\n\r\n21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, \"Ungrateful little...\"\r\n\r\n22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.\r\n\r\n23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.\r\n\r\n24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously \"recover.\" Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, \"Oooh, are you dying?\"\r\n\r\n25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, \"Okay, your turn.\"\r\n\r\n26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, \"Oh, he's around here somewhere.\"\r\n\r\n27. Tell your roommate, \"I've got an important message for you.\" Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, \"Oh, yeah, I remember!\" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.\r\n\r\n28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.\r\n\r\n29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.\r\n\r\n30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.\r\n\r\n31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.\r\n\r\n32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, \"Hey, where is my sandwich!?\" Complain loudly that you are hungry.\r\n\r\n33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the lack of good shows.\r\n\r\n34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.\r\n\r\n35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, \"He just didn't belong.\"\r\n\r\n36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.\r\n\r\n37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that \"It's a jungle out there.\" Get your roommate to bring you food and water.\r\n\r\n38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, \"Psst! Is it gone?\"\r\n\r\n39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.\r\n\r\n40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.\r\n\r\n41. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, \"I'm sorry. It won't happen again.\" When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.\r\n\r\n42. Call your roommate \"Clyde\" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him \"Clyde\" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, \"I'm sorry, Elmer. Repeat process with Elmer.\r\n\r\n43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.\r\n\r\n45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, \"Owwwwwwwwwww!\" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.\r\n\r\n46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, \"That was your mom. She said she'd call back.\"\r\n\r\n47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, \"Okay, guys, you can come out now.\"\r\n\r\n48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to do anything,tell him/her you are the ruler.\r\n\r\n49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Finally stand up & yell,\"I Lost!\"\r\n\r\n50. Talk back to your \"Rice Krispies.\" All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, \"No, I want to watch them suffer.\"\r\n\r\n51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a fine.\r\n\r\n52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, \"Well, it was fun while it lasted.\"\r\n\r\n53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.\r\n\r\n54. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.\r\n\r\n55. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his possessions immediately.\r\n\r\n56. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, etc.)\r\n\r\n57. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.\r\n\r\n58. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.\r\n\r\n59. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.\r\n\r\n60. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.\r\n\r\n61. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.\r\n\r\n62. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, \"Don't do that.\"\r\n\r\n63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.\r\n\r\n64. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Then insist you need to show him/her the proper way & brush their teeth.\r\n\r\n65. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, \"It had to be done.\"\r\n\r\n66. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. (\"Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 753-4795! Holy cow!\")\r\n\r\n67. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.\r\n\r\n68. Ask your roommate about their medical plan. If they ask why you are asking just say, \"Accidents happen.\" Make it obvious that you are trying to cover up your laughter.\r\n\r\n69. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.\r\n\r\n70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.\r\n\r\n71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, \"Don't worry. It's not what you think.\" If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.\r\n\r\n72. Tell other people in your building that your roommate is goind to be \"going on a trip\" shortly. Don't tell them where or when. If people ask your roommate where he/she is going, cut in and say \"Oh...that has been canceled.\"\r\n\r\n73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, \"I'll get that pesky road runner....\"\r\n\r\n74. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, \"I know what you did,\" and \"Don't think you can fool me.\" Sign them in blood.\r\n\r\n75. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.\r\n\r\n76. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.\r\n\r\n77. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck.\r\n\r\n78. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, \"We'll continue this later,\" while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.\r\n\r\n79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.\r\n\r\n80. Offer your roommate some of your most valuable possesions. If they ask about your generosity, say nothing but \"I won't need it where I'm going.\" If they take anything wait a week and insist they give it back. If they want to know why say \"I was left behind\", and crawl into bed crying.\r\n\r\n81. Watch \"Psycho\" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.\r\n\r\n82. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, \"Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you.\" Take off the hat, sit, and pout.\r\n\r\n83. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.\r\n\r\n84. Tell your roommate that you \"just want to be friends\", and that you can no longer take their advances. Wait an hour and ask them to join you in the shower.\r\n\r\n85. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, \"Stupid horseshoe....\"\r\n\r\n86. Buy frozen meals and leave them under a lamp on your desk. If your roommate warns you that the meals will go bad simply say, \"I know what I'm doing.\" While your roommate is out empty the meal containers such that it looks like you've eaten them. When your roommate return pretend to be violently ill. Do this twice a week.\r\n\r\n87. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.\r\n\r\n88. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator is plotting against you.\r\n\r\n89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.\r\n\r\n90. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, \"Remember the good old days, when we used to...\" and make up stories involving you and your roommate.\r\n\r\n91. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about half an hour. Come out looking dazed and act terrified of your roommate, keeping a good distance.\r\n\r\n92. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, \"Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be.\"\r\n\r\n93. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be a murder in the room.\r\n\r\n94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.\r\n\r\n95. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate you think the lobster has a marked deck.\r\n\r\n96. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your \"pancake farm\" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.\r\n\r\n97. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.\r\n\r\n98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.\r\n\r\n99. Hide small containers of milk in your roommate's half of the room. After they begin to smell complain to your roommate about the odor. If your roommate finds them and claim that they aren't theirs, acknowledge that you put them there, but tell them \"They were on your half of the room. You should be more responsible.\"\r\n\r\n100. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks.\r\n\r\n101. If your roommate has a pet, offer to feed their pet for them. Start taking bottles of glue and white out from your desk before your roommate can answer.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16927,
"title": "101 Ways To Annoy Your Roommate"
},
{
"body": "Before creating an article, please read Wikipedia:Your first article, or search for an existing article to which you can redirect this title. \r\nTo experiment, please use the sandbox. \r\nAs you create the article, provide references to reliable published sources. Without references, the article may be deleted. \r\n\r\nNotice: You are re-creating a page that was deleted. \r\n\r\nYou should consider whether it is appropriate to continue editing this page. Information is available on what to do if a page you created is deleted. The deletion log for this page is provided here for convenience: \r\n\r\n12:10, 13 October 2007 Sam Blacketer (Talk | contribs) deleted \"Bushit\" \u00e2\u0080\u008e (Criteria G10: attack page.) \r\n23:56, 15 March 2007 GRBerry (Talk | contribs) deleted \"Bushit\" \u00e2\u0080\u008e (WP:CSD#G10 - Attack page) \r\n16:47, 4 December 2006 Mindmatrix (Talk | contribs) deleted \"Bushit\" \u00e2\u0080\u008e (content was: '{{db-attack}}Everything that comes out of George W. Bush's mouth is BUSHIT') \r\n20:44, 4 August 2006 HappyCamper (Talk | contribs) deleted \"Bushit\" \u00e2\u0080\u008e (content was: '{{db-nonsense}}') \r\n22:57, 23 August 2005 Cdc (Talk | contribs) deleted \"Bushit\" \u00e2\u0080\u008e (redirect into User: namespace - content was: '#REDIRECT User:Bushit')",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16929,
"title": "Editing Bushit in Wikipedia"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a dog in the sun?\r\nA Hot Dog!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16930,
"title": "Yum #1"
},
{
"body": "It was a blond's birthday, and to celebrate, he took his girlfriend out on a date; he dressed very nicely, in a tuxedo, sharp tie, and some nice soft pants.\r\n\r\nHe went to his girlfriend, and said, \"Do you have anything to say to me?\"\r\n\r\nHis girlfriend also a blonde, says, \"Yeah, what up with the tie?\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16934,
"title": "Birthday"
},
{
"body": "Melvyn and Max were left quite a large plot of land by their rich father. However, this caused the two sons much grief. For months they argued long and hard over how the land should be divided between them. The solution just wasn't that simple, so they took the problem to their priest. \"Father,\" said Melvyn, \"can you please help us solve our problem?\"\r\n\r\nAs soon as he had heard their case, Father Murphy said, \"Come back tomorrow and we'll talk again.\" The next day, Melvyn and Max returned and the priest gave them his solution. He gave Max a coin and said, \"You can toss the coin.\"\r\n\r\n\"And you,\" said Father Murphy to Melvyn, \"can call it, heads or tails. Whoever wins the toss will divide the land.\"\r\n\r\n\"But that won't work,\" said Max, \"we'll be right back from where we started.\"\r\n\r\n\"But not,\" said Father Murphy, \"if the one who wins the toss divides the land and the other one gets first choice!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16935,
"title": "Heads I Win, Tails You Lose!"
},
{
"body": "Little Willy, full of hell,\r\nThrew his sister in the well.\r\nTheir mother said when drawing water,\r\n\"It's so hard to raise a daughter.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16936,
"title": "Little Willy"
},
{
"body": "A child named Bob was running through the neighbor's garden. \"Hey!\" shouted the neighbor, \"I thought I told you not to let me catch you here again!\"\r\n \r\n\"Right!\" replied the boy, \"and you haven't caught me yet!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16937,
"title": "Haven't Been Caught Yet"
},
{
"body": "Jacky walked into his house from school crying; his mom saw him and said, \"What's wrong, Jacky?\"\r\n\r\nJacky replied, \"I lost a quarter at school!\"\r\n\r\n\"There, there,\" replied his mother, \"here's another,\" handing him a quarter.\r\n\r\nJacky cries even louder; this time his mother, upset, says, \"What's the matter now?\"\r\n\r\nJacky says, \"I wish I said I lost a dollar!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16938,
"title": "Reward"
},
{
"body": "A boy walks home an hour late to class, the teacher asks him, \"Why are you so late?\"\r\n\r\nThe boy replies, \"I stopped two boys from beating each other up.\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher says, \"That's very nice; how did you do that?\"\r\n\r\nThe boy says, \"I beat them both up!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16939,
"title": "Nice Boy"
},
{
"body": "A boss of a computer company walked up to one of his workers.\r\n\r\n\"You're fired!\" exclaimed the boss.\r\n\r\n\"I didn't do anything!\" replied the confused worker.\r\n\r\nThe boss, happy with his answer, says, \"I know. That's why you're fired!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 16940,
"title": "I Didn't Do It"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a modern art museum, he sees a piece of art, and says, \"Look how ugly that is, the nose is all out of shape, and look at those arms, so small and weak, I bet the person who created this is a wimp!\"\r\n\r\nA security guard nearby says, \"Sir, that's a mirror.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16942,
"title": "Idiots I"
},
{
"body": "Every day, Mr. Koch has to cross the river by ferry in order to get to work.\r\n\r\nWaking up late one morning, he dressed quickly, ran out the door and raced to the dock. The boat was several yards away, and stepping back and taking a mighty leap, Mr. Koch landed with a crash on the deck.\r\n\r\n\"Made it!\" he cried triumphantly.\r\n\r\n\"So?\" said one of the passengers, \"What was the rush? The boat is coming in.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16943,
"title": "Made It!"
},
{
"body": "Mr. Lwin was staring at the cage in the zoo, watching the great cat pace back and forth. \r\n\r\n\"I wonder what the tiger would say if it could talk,\" he said to the zookeeper. \r\n\r\nThe zookeeper replied, \"It would probably say, 'Hey dummy, I'm a cheetah!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16944,
"title": "I'm A Cheetah!"
},
{
"body": "The teacher said to the cooking class. \"Tell me: what is the most important thing to put in a chocolate cake?\" \r\n\r\nFaith quickly replied, \"Your teeth!\"\r\n\r\nThe teacher said, \"No, the ingredients.\"\r\n\r\nAfter correcting Faith, the cooking teacher said, \"Who can tell me the best way to keep yogurt from spoiling?\"\r\n\r\nFaith answered, \"By eating it!.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16945,
"title": "Faith is Always Right"
},
{
"body": "\"Hey,\" says Jim, \"this match won't light!\"\r\n\r\n\"Strange,\" says Ned,. \"It worked okay this morning.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16946,
"title": "Idiots II"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat that when I wanted to take her picture I had to back up so far that I ended up in China.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16947,
"title": "So FAT"
},
{
"body": "Two old pilot friends in the Air Force were talking about the day's activities:\r\n\r\nJenkins (first pilot): Did you hear? Captain Smith jumped out of a B-1 bomber, without a parachute, and he wasn't hurt!\r\n\r\nRandy (Second Pilot): That's impossible! The fall would have killed him!\r\n\r\nJenkins (shakes his head): The bomber hadn't taken off yet.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16948,
"title": "He Didn't Take Off"
},
{
"body": "There were three men stranded on an island with nothing to eat, but a bowl of mac n cheese. The first guy says, \"I have an idea, lets all swim to the other side and the first one there gets the bowl of mac n cheese\". They all tie so the second guy says, \"I have an idea, lets all swim back and the first one back gets the bowl of mac n cheese\". They all tie again and the third guy says, \"I have an idea, lets all go to sleep and the one with the best dream gets the bowl of mac n cheese\". The next morning the first guy says, \"I dreamed I ate all the mac n cheese in the world\". The second guy says, \"I dreamed I ate the bowl of mac n cheese\". The third guy says, \"Yankee Doodle went to town ridin on a pony while you dummies were asleep I ate the bowl of macaroni\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16949,
"title": "Three Men On An Island"
},
{
"body": "A man walked into a caf\u00c3\u00a9 and he said, \"Could I have a breakfast\". The cafe owner said, \"Certainly, sir\". He said, \"But could you do it my way\". The owner says, \"What's your way\". He says, \"I want a fried egg that's been over-cooked so it's got a rubbery texture so I can bounce it up and down on the floor, I want bacon that's so brittle that when I stab my fork in it it springs around the room, I want baked beans that are cold in the middle, hot on the outside, I also want fried bread that's dripping in grease with no crispy bits\". The owner says, \"I haven't got time to do all that\". The man says, \"Well, you f*cking found time yesterday!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16950,
"title": "Breakfast"
},
{
"body": "Definition of alien-people from another country.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16952,
"title": "Alien"
},
{
"body": "Route 66 says to the country road: Hey, man, you straight?\r\nCountry road says: Heck no, I'm a byway!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16955,
"title": "Country Road"
},
{
"body": "A newcomer in town goes to a bar, the bar manager notices he is new and says, \"Sir, you're new, and when you're new, you have to drink a whole barrel of beer, then fix the crocodile's sore tooth, then you give that nice lady right there a hug, or you can't come to this bar again!\"\r\n\r\nThe newcomers says, \"That's ridiculous!\" and leaves the bar.\r\n\r\nA couple minutes later, he comes back, he drinks the barrel of beer, then he goes into the backyard.\r\n\r\nAfter a couple screams of bloody murder, screeches, cries of pain, the newcomer returns all bloody and bruised.\r\n\r\nThen he goes up to the manager and says, \"Okay, where's the girl with the sore tooth?\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 16958,
"title": "The New Guy"
},
{
"body": "I was reading an article yesterday that was talking about the University of Michigan. They referred to it as MU.\r\n\r\nThis got me to thinking....\r\n\r\nWhat do they call the University of Florida?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16959,
"title": "University of Michigan"
},
{
"body": "What's a Mexican called when he's covered in dirt?\r\n\r\nA churro",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16962,
"title": "Mexican"
},
{
"body": "A couple who is having problems in their marriage decide to go on a talk show. The wife complains that her husband does not listen to her and is ungrateful. She blames this on her husband's career. The host asks the man, \"Has being in politics had any affect on your sex life?\" Bill Clinton replies, \"Mine's great, how's yours honey?\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 16963,
"title": "Just Another Political Joke..."
},
{
"body": "Are you sick of those stains on your carpet, the mess in the bathroom and kitchen? Are you worried that you will have to spend tons of money just to clean up what your loved one leaves behind? Now, you don't have to worry because you can have your very own..........................\r\nnew personalized husband!\r\nThe following is a list of the commands this product will perform:\r\n1.It will clean up after itself.\r\n2.It will stay out of your way.\r\n3.It will keep the toilet seat down.\r\n4.It will not talk back.\r\n5.Worried about your kids? This baby can take care of anything!\r\n\r\nDoes this sound too good to be true? We forgot to mention...\r\nIt has an on/off switch!\r\n\r\nNote: This product sold for a limited time only. Batteries not included.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 16964,
"title": "Limited Time Only."
},
{
"body": "Q: What do you get when you cross an anteater and a monkey?\r\nA: I haven't a goddamn clue.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16965,
"title": "Um..."
},
{
"body": "If ham is Canadian bacon, then what the heck do you Canadians call bacon?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16966,
"title": "Ok, This is Kind of Lame..."
},
{
"body": "This is the conversation from \"That 70s Show\" when Fez first \"does it.\" Note: If you have never seen the show, these are, you guessed it, teenagers.\r\n\r\nFez: Knock-knock.\r\nKelso: Who's there?\r\nFez: I did it!\r\n*Everyone claps*\r\nKelso: Wait, wait, I wanna hear this. I did it who?\r\nEric: Wait a minute...this isn't like the time you bought a hamster, named it Virginity, and lost it?\r\nFez: No, this is the real thing.\r\nKelso: You know, I had a hamster once. I tied him up to a helium balloon with a note, made it all the way to Minnesota.\r\nEric: Alive?\r\nKelso: No, I'm going to send a dead hamster up in a balloon.\r\nEric: So, come on, tell us all about it.\r\nFez: Well, it was incredible. Nina and I started off kissing in the living room, then we moved to the bedroom where we undressed, and, uh, well then...then we did it.\r\nKelso: Details, Fez, we need details!\r\nFez: Well, our faces didn't line up right, so I kept bumping my chin on her nose. And then there were some sounds.\r\nHyde: What kind of sounds?\r\nFez: Well, I will say this, it was not applause. There was no romantic music like in the movies, so I had to hum. And then Nina told me to stop humming. And then, uh, then I started again without realizing it. And then she got mad. And then I think she got sad. \r\nJackie: Oh, well don't feel bad, Fez, she probably just felt bad she was doing it with a foreigner.\r\nFez: And then afterwards, I went into the bathroom and, uh, and cried a little...and then I snuck out the back door.\r\nDonna: Poor Fez. You know, at least it couldn't have been any worse.\r\nFez: I left my underwear in her bathroom.\r\n\r\nI have seen this scene dozens of times and it always makes me crack up.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16967,
"title": "That 70s Show"
},
{
"body": "I always find myself arguing with my sister over who got up earliest in the morning. It's ridiculous. I have to remind myself that I really don't care. Usually this is what happens...\r\n \r\n(sister walks into the room)\r\nHer: Hey. What time did you get up this morning?\r\nMe: Um...around 9:00.\r\nHer: Oh. I woke up at 7:30.\r\nMe: Well, I woke up at 6 and didn't get back to sleep until 8:00. It always takes me a while to get back to sleep...\r\nHer: Yeah, I got up a bunch of times this morning. The dog woke me up.\r\nMe: (under my breath) Dammit.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16968,
"title": "She Always Wins."
},
{
"body": "Ok...so when I was little my parents would fight all the time. Is there any married couple in the world that doesn't do this? Anyways, my mom hated paper towels. She just did. Especially the half-sized ones. Apparently there was no point in wasting a paper towel when you could use a dish towel. Quite understandable.\r\nMy dad, on the other hand, felt differently. \"Why use a dirty old dish rag when you can buy some decent paper towels and reuse them?\" \r\nWhenever I walked into the kitchen with the purpose of washing my hands, I would quickly scan the room and see who was there. If my dad was around, I would grab a paper towel. He would always give me that sincere yet smug smile and think that he had won the whole battle of Dish Rag vs Paper Towel. If my mom was around, there was always a dish towel in reach. She, too, would smile slightly when I picked it up.\r\n\r\nMy Lesson Learned As A Child: It IS possible to please everyone...if you are sneaky.\r\n\r\nMy childhood was tough.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16969,
"title": "At Least I Survived"
},
{
"body": "One professor says your IQ measures how much you know. A scientist says your IQ measures how much information you are capable of learning. All I want to know is how long it will take me to get with your sister. I mean DAMN!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 16970,
"title": "...."
},
{
"body": "With iPhone, dialing contacts is a snap. Let's say you wanted to contact your ex-girlfriend to let her know how badly she's hurt you. Simply press her name, and the call is dialed. \"Dammit, Rick, stop calling me!\" Then, when another call comes in, simply place that call on hold and answer the second one. \"This is Detective Hanson, from the Bay Area Police Department.\" To block the call, simply press ignore. iPhone is also the best iPod ever made. With it, you can listen to the song that was playing when she said you'd be together forever. *music* Then, you can use Google maps to locate the street where she's moved away to. Simply touch the traffic button and iPhone tells you the best route to take to propose to her. Again, Apple's iPhone, a revolutionary portable device that never leaves your side. And never sleeps with your cousin.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16971,
"title": "IPhone"
},
{
"body": "iPhone is a revolutionary portable communications device, and now it's gotten even better with the iPhone 3G. Keeping your calendar up-to-date is a snap. You can go back to the day you spent $600 on the first generation iPhone, then scroll forward to see the day the price was lowered by $200. You can even view pictures of your reaction when you found out you might as well have thrown $200 bills into a urinal. And peed on them. Use the all-new scientific calculator to tally how much the new iPhone 3G is going to cost you, factoring in the 15 to 25 percent increase in monthly service charges. Don't forget to subtract what you could sell your first generation iPhone for. The new iPhone has GPS, so you can easily find your current location, and how long it will take you to walk home from there. Because damn if you have any money left for gas. And don't forget: lightning-fast broadband speed anywhere you go. Large documents, such as eviction notices and letters from collection agencies, will download faster than a speeding bullet, coming to offer you the sweet release of death. iPhone 3G: I haven't eaten in days.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16972,
"title": "IPhone 3G"
},
{
"body": "10. Horton Hears a Ho\r\n9. National Pleasure 2: Book of Secretions\r\n8. I Am Legend...In Bed\r\n7. The Suck It List\r\n6. I Know Who Drilled Me\r\n5. Scat-Atouille\r\n4. Gush Hour 3\r\n3. No Country for Old Balls\r\n2. Alvin in the Chipmunks\r\n1. Iron Man",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16973,
"title": "2008 Movies"
},
{
"body": "NFL - National Farting Legends\r\nBC - Before Comedy\r\nBAD - Being A Dumbass\r\nBEG - Big Evil Grin\r\nBF - Begging Forgiveness\r\nAA - Admirable Alcoholics\r\nNASA - Never Associate Sex with Aircrafts\r\nAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse\r\nATLA - Another Three Letter Acronym\r\nBANANA - Being A Nuisance And Never Apologizing\r\nBFI - Bunch of F***ing Idiots\r\nBICBW - But I Could Be Wrong (used rarely)\r\nBMTIPG - Brilliant Minds Think In Parallel Gutters\r\nBSOD - Blue Screen Of Death\r\nCADET - Can't Add, Doesn't Even Try\r\nCOTFLGOHAHA - Crawling On The Floor Laughing Guts Out And Having A Heart Attack (why don't we see this more often?)\r\nCPF - Can Pigs Fly? (well can they???)\r\nCRAFT - Can't Remember A F***ing Thing\r\nCRS - Can't Remember S***\r\nCYA - Cover Your Ass\r\nCUNT - Computer User Non-Technical\r\n\r\nand did you know...\r\n\r\nACRONYM - Abbreviated Coded Rendition Of Name Yielding Meaning AKA Always Creating Random Odd Nicknames You Memorize",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16974,
"title": "Acronyms"
},
{
"body": "The teacher told one kid, \"You're going to flunk this subject because you haven't finished your homework assignments.\" The kid said, \"Good. I flunked all the other ones because I'm stupid.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 16975,
"title": "Homework"
},
{
"body": "Little Red Riding Hood: \"Oh, grandmother, what big ears you have!\"\r\nWolf: \"All the better to hear you with.\"\r\n\r\nLittle Red Riding Hood: \"Oh, grandmother, what big eyes you have!\"\r\nWolf: \"All the better to see you with.\"\r\n\r\nLittle Red Riding Hood: \"Oh, grandmother, what big hands you have!\"\r\nWolf: \"All the better to grab you with!\"\r\n\r\nLittle Red Riding Hood: \"Oh, grandmother, what a horribly big mouth you have!\"\r\nWolf: \"All the better to eat you with!\"\r\n\r\nLittle Red Riding Hood: \"Oh, grandmother, what a big dick you have!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16976,
"title": "Fuck You"
},
{
"body": "NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS\r\n\r\nCEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.\r\n\r\nCFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.\r\n\r\nBULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.\r\n\r\nBEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.\r\n\r\nVALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.\r\n\r\nP/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.\r\n\r\nBROKER - What my broker has made me.\r\n\r\nSTANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.\r\n\r\nSTOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.\r\n\r\nSTOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.\r\n\r\nFINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.\r\n\r\nMARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.\r\n\r\nCASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.\r\n\r\nYAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.\r\n\r\nWINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.\r\n\r\nINSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.\r\n\r\nPROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 16977,
"title": "New Wall Street Terminology Has Been Approved"
},
{
"body": "I have no soul. yes, Thats why I'm an asshole!\r\nI have somethin' up my ass and no, that ain't no mole.\r\n\r\nI pick on everybody 'cause I'm a nobody.\r\nMy girlfriend left me. \r\nSometimes I go crazy and go out in the streets and yell \"COME FUCK ME!\"\r\n\r\nEveryone asks me, \"Hey, whats up your ass!\".Yeah I know I've sucked a lot of ass.\r\nThe juices, oh, they are delicious as they come to pass.\r\n\r\nAs I sit behind my computer and write jokes, my mother chokes\r\nOn my cock. And I hear a knock.\r\nAnd who is it? Its my friend, a Gay.\r\nSo, I send my mother away.\r\nI do it hardcore.\r\nI wont let him go 'til his ass is sore\r\nEven though my dick is inches-four.\r\n\r\nI have nothing to do 'cept suck on my dirty socks 'cause\r\nI am such a butt-fucker, my mother traps me in my room with heavy locks.\r\nYes, thats me, I am KENTROCKS!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16979,
"title": "IT IS?"
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time, there lived three balloons - Papa Balloon, Mama Balloon, and Baby Balloon. Baby Balloon would always go to bed in his own room, but would soon sneak into Mama and Papa's bed.\r\n\r\nWhen Baby Balloon got a bit bigger, his parents tried to get him to stay in his own bed all night, and Baby Balloon promised that he would, but the very next night he was trying to get in to their bed.\r\n\r\nHowever, he found could not quite get in, no matter how he struggled. After a while, he had an idea - he would let a little air out of Papa Balloon! This he did, but still he couldn't fit, so he let some air out of Mama Balloon - but to his dismay, still he couldn't get.\r\n\r\nIn desperation, he then let some air out of himself - and he could get in the bed! The next morning, Papa Balloon and Mama Balloon were both furious with him.\r\n\r\nPapa Balloon said, \"You promised you would sleep in your own bed! How could you? You've let me down, you've let your mother down, but most of all, you've let yourself down!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 16981,
"title": "The Three Balloons"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat she turned her Nike Shox into \"Shocked Nikes\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16982,
"title": "Nike Shox (the Shoes)"
},
{
"body": "Q. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's day?\r\n\r\nA. Regular Rocks are too heavy!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16985,
"title": "St. Patrick's Day"
},
{
"body": "One day a blonde went to a store and saw Donuts that were sugar free, so she grabbed them and walked out of the store without paying.\r\n\r\nSecurity stopped her and asked, \"Excuse me miss, but what do you think you are doing?\" \r\n\r\nShe said \"Duh...I'm taking the free Sugar donuts!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16986,
"title": "FREE!"
},
{
"body": "There was a blonde in Wal-mart and she went up to a man.\r\nThe blonde said, \"Hi! Do you know what IDK means?\"\r\nThe man said, \"I don't know.\"\r\n\r\n\r\nThen the blonde said, \"DARN! Nobody knows!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 16987,
"title": "IDK"
},
{
"body": "There were three men at a bar. One of them ducked and the other two fell down because they hit the bar.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 16988,
"title": "DUCK!"
},
{
"body": "There was a coconut tree and 4 animals.\r\n 1. A Elephant\r\n 2. A Monkey\r\n 3. A Tiger\r\n 4. A Mouse\r\n\r\nWhich one of these animals is going to climb up the tree to get the banana?\r\n\r\nNONE!\r\n \"There was a COCONUT TREE\"\r\n \"...the tree to get the BANANA\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16989,
"title": "Don't Blame the Monkey!"
},
{
"body": "BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16990,
"title": "BLAH!"
},
{
"body": "Liners",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 16991,
"title": "Get It?"
},
{
"body": "I'm so good that even yo momma cheers for me!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 16992,
"title": "I'm So Good!"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many Clowns does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\n\r\nA: Paid Clowns - 5\r\n Boys in school - 1000",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 16994,
"title": "Dont Read This Boys"
},
{
"body": "Je suis tr\u00c3\u00a8s \u00c3\u00a9mue de vous dire que j'ai\r\nbien compris l'autre soir que vous aviez\r\ntoujours une envie folle de me faire\r\ndanser. Je garde le souvenir de votre\r\nbaiser et je voudrais bien que ce soit\r\nl\u00c3\u00a0 une preuve que je puisse \u00c3\u00aatre aim\u00c3\u00a9e\r\npar vous. Je suis pr\u00c3\u00aate \u00c3\u00a0 vous montrer mon\r\naffection toute d\u00c3\u00a9sint\u00c3\u00a9ress\u00c3\u00a9e et sans cal-\r\ncul, et si vous voulez me voir aussi\r\nvous d\u00c3\u00a9voiler sans artifice mon \u00c3\u00a2me\r\ntoute nue, venez me faire une visite.\r\nNous causerons en amis, franchement.\r\nJe vous prouverai que je suis la femme\r\nsinc\u00c3\u00a8re, capable de vous offrir l'affection\r\nla plus profonde comme la plus \u00c3\u00a9troite\r\nen amiti\u00c3\u00a9, en un mot la meilleure preuve\r\ndont vous puissiez r\u00c3\u00aaver, puisque votre\r\n\u00c3\u00a2me est libre. Pensez que la solitude o\u00c3\u00b9 j'ha-\r\nbite est bien longue, bien dure et souvent\r\ndifficile. Ainsi en y songeant j'ai l'\u00c3\u00a2me\r\ngrosse. Accourrez donc vite et venez me la\r\nfaire oublier par l'amour o\u00c3\u00b9 je veux me\r\nmettre.\r\n\r\nA lire une ligne sur deux!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16995,
"title": "Lettre De Georges Sand \u00c3\u00a0 Musset"
},
{
"body": "\"Daddy, there's a man knocking on the door with a beard!\"\r\n\r\n\"No wonder I didn't hear him!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16996,
"title": "Man At The Door"
},
{
"body": "They're fat",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 16997,
"title": "Americans"
},
{
"body": "Why do you go to a black person's yard sale?\r\n\r\nTo get your stuff back!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 16998,
"title": "Garage Sale"
},
{
"body": "....................................................................................................................................................................................................................;).....................................................................................................................................................................................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 16999,
"title": "..."
},
{
"body": "- I want to give you something. \r\n- That's what your mom said to me last night.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17002,
"title": "Give You Something"
},
{
"body": "- What's your dad doing? \r\n- Your mom!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17003,
"title": "Dad Doing"
},
{
"body": "- What do you wanna do next? \r\n- Your mom!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17004,
"title": "Do Next"
},
{
"body": "- I told you to knock before you enter my room! \r\n- Your mom.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17008,
"title": "Enter My Room"
},
{
"body": "- What did you have for dinner last night? \r\n- Your mom.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17009,
"title": "Dinner Last Night"
},
{
"body": "- What did you have for dinner last night? \r\n- Your mom. \r\n- ...and for dessert? \r\n- Your mom.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17010,
"title": "Dinner Last Night (II)"
},
{
"body": "Painter: \"Y'are a dog.\"\r\nApemantus: \"Thy mother's of my generation. What's she, if I be a dog?\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17011,
"title": "A Dog"
},
{
"body": "Demetrius: \"Villain, what hast thou done?\"\r\nAaron: \"That which thou canst not undo.\"\r\nChiron: \"Thou hast undone our mother.\"\r\nAaron: \"Villain, I have done thy mother.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17013,
"title": "Hast Thou Done"
},
{
"body": "See that X? That's your mum that is.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17014,
"title": "See that X"
},
{
"body": "Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? \r\nA. The same as the number of men, you sexist bastard!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 17015,
"title": "Feminists"
},
{
"body": "How do you keep an idiot in suspense?\r\n\r\nI'll tell you tomorrow!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17016,
"title": "Keep an Idiot in Suspense"
},
{
"body": "A Kerryman emigrated from Ireland to England, thereby increasing the average IQ of both countries.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17020,
"title": "Average IQ"
},
{
"body": "Why do mathematicians like national parks? \r\n\r\nBecause of the natural logs.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17021,
"title": "National Parks"
},
{
"body": "What's purple and commutes? \r\n\r\nAn Abelian grape.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17022,
"title": "Purple and Commutes"
},
{
"body": "There was a really dramatic woman and a small man.\r\n\r\nThe small man worked at a ballroom. The woman got dressed up all fancy and went to the ballroom. She went up to the man and said, \"I hope there is something between us!\r\n\r\nAnd the little man said, \"Me too! A continent!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17025,
"title": "I Wish There was Something Between Us"
},
{
"body": "Gene Pitney dies, and his widow is told that the coffin would take a week if it was made from Oak - \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nbut only 24 hours from Balsa!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17028,
"title": "Gene Pitney"
},
{
"body": "I heard you tried to apply to work at a candy store.\r\nBut they turned you down saying they already had enough air heads.\r\n\r\nWere you fat when you were born?\r\nCause i think it all went straight to your head.\r\n\r\nMost people think outside the box.\r\nYou still haven't figured out how to get in.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17029,
"title": "Made Up Insults."
},
{
"body": "People from Mensa are said to understand any jokes without the need of any explaination. Meaning Mensans will be able to understand this joke here, though it is limpid that there aren't any to be contemplated.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17030,
"title": "Mensa"
},
{
"body": "The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after he was born. One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, ''Jesus Christ!'' \r\n\r\nJoseph looked at Mary and said ''Write that down -- that's way better than Clyde!''",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17033,
"title": "Naming of Jesus Christ"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, \"Doc, what's wrong with me?\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor replies, \"You're not eating properly.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 17040,
"title": "Bacon in My Ear"
},
{
"body": "1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.\r\n\r\n2) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.\r\n\r\n3) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.\r\n\r\n4) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.\r\n\r\n5) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.\r\n\r\n6) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.\r\n\r\n7) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.\r\n\r\n8) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: \"Enter Password Now.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17044,
"title": "Some Things We Have Learned From the Movies"
},
{
"body": "Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, \"When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.\" \r\nThe Texan lady commented, \"Well, isn't that nice?\" \r\n\r\nThe lady from Mississippi continued, \"When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.\" \r\n\r\nAgain, the Texas lady commented, \"Well, isn't that nice?\" \r\n\r\nThe first woman boasted, \"Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.\" \r\n\r\nYet again, the Texas lady commented, \"Well, isn't that nice?\" \r\n\r\nThe first woman then asked her companion, \"What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?\" \r\n\r\nThe Texas lady replied, \"My husband sent me to charm school.\" \r\n\r\n\"Charm school!\" the first woman cried. \"Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?\" \r\n\r\nThe Texas lady responded, \"So that instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17048,
"title": "Charming"
},
{
"body": "Tech Support: \"I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.\"\r\nCustomer: \"OK.\"\r\nTech Support: \"Did you get a pop-up menu?\"\r\nCustomer: \"No.\" \r\nTech Support: \"OK. Right-click again. So you see a pop-up menu?\"\r\nCustomer: \"No.\"\r\nTech Support: \"OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?\"\r\nCustomer: \"Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.\"\r\n_____________________________________________\r\n\r\nTech Support: \"OK. In the bottom left-hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?\"\r\nCustomer: \"Wow! How can you see my screen from there?\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17050,
"title": "The Tech Support Blues"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock.\r\nWho's there?\r\nLettuce.\r\nLettuce who?\r\nLettuce in, it's raining!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17051,
"title": "Lettuce!"
},
{
"body": "A man was walking through Beverly Hills selling door to door what he claimed to be the \"Magic Elixir of Life\".\r\n\r\nOf course, the police arrested him and ran a computer check of him.\r\n\r\nThey found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in 1660.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17052,
"title": "Magic Elixir of Life"
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken do a poo right in front of a hole on a really busy footpath?\r\n\r\n\r\nBecause he wanted people to slip on the poo and fall in the hole.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17059,
"title": "Why Did the Chicken...?"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAn egg!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17060,
"title": "Another Chicken Joke that Doesn't Involve Crossing the Road"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a chicken?\r\n\r\n\r\nA chicken.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17061,
"title": "Again It's Another Chicken Joke Not Involving Crossing the Road"
},
{
"body": "Why can't you go to the bathroom at a Beatles concert?\r\n\r\nThere's no John.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17064,
"title": "The Beatles"
},
{
"body": "What does PMS stand for?\r\n\r\nPotential Murder Suspect",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17067,
"title": "PMS"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nAlaska\r\nAlaska who?\r\nAlaska one more time, open the door",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17068,
"title": "Alaska"
},
{
"body": "WARNING:DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE OR EAT OR GO POTTY!\r\n\r\nA person named tommy had a wife named heather. Whenever Heather came home, She would bring something disguisting. \r\nWhen heather died in a war, Tommy was sad. He said to himself, I MUST DIE IN A TOILET INSTEAD!",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 17069,
"title": "Oh No,!"
},
{
"body": "Well both the girl and the emo bleed blood and both of them are annoying as hell in the process.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17070,
"title": "How are Emo's and Girls Periods the Same?"
},
{
"body": "One night a bartender who was working at a local joint was very drunk. \r\nHis fiancee left him a long time ago and he was very desperate \r\nso he started using alcohol as a substitute. A little later that night a blond walked in late at night and sat down. The blond was cute young and very flirty. So a little later she started flirting with the bartender. He started to get the drift that she was flirting and started flirting very heavily with her back. \r\nA little later she felt something and before she could stand to go to the restroom she had her period right there she quickly sat back and felt mortified praying the bartender did not notice anything. He didn't so she started ordering lots of bloody marys from the bartender that took his place while he was on his break. When he came back he looked at her and all the spilt bloody marys and said my god you must love that drink. By the way what's your name you never told me? Oh my name's mary, oh really he then noticed something wet in her dress. So your favorite drink is a bloody mary he said. Yeah she said. He then realized she had her period because he noticed something wet in her pants. Ya, but I don't like bloody marys that much. He then noticed another cute blond sipping a drink. But i sure like Shirley temples.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17071,
"title": "Bloody Mary"
},
{
"body": "A vertical expression of a horizontal desire.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17072,
"title": "What's Dirty Dancing?"
},
{
"body": "One day a man was sitting on a toilet with his solar power laptop, then his laptop fell in the toilet. He ran out of the bathroom screaming. The next person sat down to use the toilet. When he was done, he stood up looked at the toilet and screamed out of the bathroom. All the people in the bathroom ran out of the bathroom screaming.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 17073,
"title": "GROSS!"
},
{
"body": "Both are attractive cost about $400 for 2 or 12 hours of fun. \r\nBut right when you're satisfied you get addicted to them, \r\nAnd keep wasting money replacing em.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17074,
"title": "What Does an Xbox 360 and a Prostitute Both Have in Common?"
},
{
"body": "If winners never quit, and quitters never win...\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nWho was the fool who said, \"Quit while you're ahead\".",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17077,
"title": "Winning and Quitting"
},
{
"body": "Doctor, doctor. I think I need glasses.\r\n\r\n\r\nYou sure do, sir. This is a flower shop.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 17078,
"title": "Do I Need Glasses?"
},
{
"body": "Ok Umm Uhh, Ahhh! Oh well, I just forgot what I was gonna say. Man I'm stupid",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17080,
"title": "Ok Umm Ya I Did"
},
{
"body": "A kid named Ron lost his mom and dad. He went to the hospital to say, \"I wanna baby! Waaaaaaaaaaa!\" The nurse said, \"You're a male! Males don't have babies! And you're too young!\" He died by biting his finger really hard.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17082,
"title": "Mama Mia!"
},
{
"body": "I plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.\r\n\r\nYou know, if I looked like you, then I'd probably be plastering make-up on, too.\r\n\r\nYou looked in a mirror lately?\r\n\r\nYou're just jealous - weighing 10 stone is a big achievement.\r\n\r\nYou remind me of a person I once knew. He was called the Hulk.\r\n\r\nIf you are wondering why I'm napping, it's because you always want us to be wide awake. If I nap now, I'll be awake later. Now let me sleep.\r\n\r\nWell, well, well. Looks like the latest circus freak just escaped.\r\n\r\nWhy am I in free dress? Well, that's the benefit of being the boss.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 17083,
"title": "Comebacks at Work..."
},
{
"body": ". . . they only tell who's left.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17084,
"title": "Wars Don't Tell Who's Right . . ."
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so short, when she saw a set of stairs she said, \"I never knew Mount Everest was here.\"\r\n\r\nYo Momma so short, she called a dolls house a set of flats!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17085,
"title": "Short"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat, that when she went on Biggest Loser, she she couldn't get kicked out when she destroyed the stage.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17086,
"title": "Yo Momma So..."
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so fat that, on the airplane, she smothered the person next to her to death - who was on the aisle seat.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17087,
"title": "She's Very Fat"
},
{
"body": "Me: Do you wanna hear a good joke?\r\nAmy: Yes!\r\nMe: Me too!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17088,
"title": "Do You Wanna Hear a Good Joke?"
},
{
"body": "How many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\n\r\n0. No lightbulbs want to torture their own kind!",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 17089,
"title": "The Self Screwers"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock.\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nGuess.\r\n\r\nGuess who?\r\n\r\nWhat, I don't know.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17090,
"title": "The Game"
},
{
"body": "A woman's child said, \"Yo Mama, I hate you because you made me a boy, not a girl!\"\r\n\r\nThe woman said, \"Wait! If you were a girl, someone would have to cut into you to get your baby!\"\r\n\r\nThe child said \"Have you lost your mind?! I want the baby to know that she/he was from me!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17093,
"title": "Mama!"
},
{
"body": "Your dad has something wrong with his brain. After his appointment, the doctor says,\"You have a spider, a termite, a pig, a cloud, a piece of poo, a tongue, and a camera in your brain so you'll have to have no brain for years.\" Then the doctor took operation on his brain.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 17094,
"title": "Brains"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nWho's There. \r\nWho's there Who?\r\nI'm supposed to say Who's there!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17095,
"title": "Knock-Knock"
},
{
"body": "\"That guy looks like Jesus... and so does his friend.. did Jesus have a twin?\"\r\n\"No, at least.. I dont think he did.. never thought about it\"\r\n\"Oh, well. Twins are awesome... hey, why is Jesus walking into our school? *gasp* what if he rapes us all?! JESUS IS A PEDO!\"\r\n\"Calm down, Jesus isn't a pedo, he loves kids!\"\r\n\"Gee, that helps\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17096,
"title": "An Actual Conversation W/ Friends"
},
{
"body": "Funny Signs:\r\n\r\nTailor's Shop: Ladys have fits upstairs.\r\n\r\nRestaurant: People who find the waitresses rude ought to see the manager.\r\n\r\nRestaurant: We serve people like you as good food!\r\n\r\nMall: The lift is being fixed today. We regret that for the next 24 hours you will be unbearable.\r\n\r\nMuffler Store: No appointment necessary, we will hear you coming.\r\n\r\nRestaurant: Today's Special - Soup $5.00, Dessert $3.50, Children, $4.00.\r\n\r\nZoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, please give it to the guard on duty.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17097,
"title": "Funny Signs"
},
{
"body": "One day a cat was being trapped be a evil dog. The evil dog said\"barkity kalis hed resaw miop gas.\" The cat said \"has that going to break the spppeeel?\" Then the dog let the cat out. The next day, the cat trapped the dog. Then it happens every day with thhe same words.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17098,
"title": "Catty"
},
{
"body": "I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.\r\n\r\nAt my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.\r\n\r\nI got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17100,
"title": "Emo Phillips"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock!\r\nWho's there?\r\nHarry.\r\nHarry who? \r\nHarry up and answer the door!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17101,
"title": "Knock-knock?"
},
{
"body": "If you are inventing something, the best way for it to work is to give it a job.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17102,
"title": "How to Make an Invention Work"
},
{
"body": "The similarity of all the people that live is that they are alive and they are living.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17103,
"title": "The Similarity of All"
},
{
"body": "If Jesus was born on the computer age, he would just use the internet to spread his word unlike his time, he needs to journey across the world.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17104,
"title": "Jesus Online"
},
{
"body": "Freddy:May I please use the telephone for a while?\r\nLady Flora:Yes, you may.\r\nThen Freddy saw a poster of Jollibee. There it says that the only telephone number you may dial in Rhode Island if you want to talk to them is: 626-999-626. Freddy called that number.\r\nFreddy:626-999-626.\r\nJollibe Customer Service:Hello, Jollibee customer service here. What do you want to order.\r\nFreddy: One piece Chicken McDonalds and any coffee by Figaro please.\r\nThen Freddy ran away because he was afraid what the customer service will say.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17105,
"title": "Insult Call"
},
{
"body": "Maria went to the telephone booth to make her second insult call. She payed the telephone booth owner. Then she dialed: ABC-DEF-GHI. \"Hello! May I take your order, please?\" the Figaro delivery service said. \"I want to order all the kinds of sushi you have, and please don't forget the chopsticks.\" Maria replied. \"Looks like we have another insult call.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17106,
"title": "Insult Call #2"
},
{
"body": "It is really insulting when someone from the Greenwich restaurant see you eating a pizza from Pizza Hut.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17107,
"title": "Really Nice Insult"
},
{
"body": "I was walking down the road and saw a sign which read, \"SIDEWALK AHEAD CLOSED. PLEASE USE OTHER SIDE OF ROAD\".\r\n\r\nOooh, it made me cross!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17109,
"title": "Sidewalk Blues"
},
{
"body": "What's better than going to school?\r\n\r\nHaving play time every day!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17110,
"title": "What 2"
},
{
"body": "Why did the limping man sit on a scorpion?\r\n \r\nHe thought that it would be \"pinched\"!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17111,
"title": "Why 1"
},
{
"body": "Viola jokes are jokes usually insulting violas and violists, since they are, generally speaking, the most unpopular instruments. Please forgive me if you are a violist, but truly, there are just some good ones out there. :P\r\n\r\nQ: What is the difference between a viola and an onion?\r\nA: No one cries when you cut up a viola.\r\n\r\nQ: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?\r\nA: You have to take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.\r\n\r\nQ: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?\r\nA: (1) The viola burns longer, (2) The viola holds more beer, and (3) You can tune the violin.\r\n\r\nQ: A viola burns longer than a violin; that's common sense. But why can it burn longer?\r\nA: It's usually still in the case.\r\n\r\nQ: How do you get a violist to play pianissimo tremolando?\r\nA: Mark the passage \"solo\".\r\n\r\nQ: What is the definition of a minor second?\r\nA: Two violists playing in unison.\r\n\r\nQ: What is the definition of \"perfect pitch\"?\r\nA: Someone throwing a viola into the dumpster without hitting the rim.\r\n\r\nQ: Why was the cannon invented?\r\nA: Because two violists tried playing the same passage together.\r\n\r\nQ: Why don't violists play hide-and-seek?\r\nA: Because no one will look for them.\r\n\r\nQ: What is the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?\r\nA: Music Minus One",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17112,
"title": "Viola Jokes"
},
{
"body": "This is an addition to one of my previous jokes, \"Viola Jokes\" http://wocka.com/17112.html. Now, instead of just viola jokes, here are several different instrument jokes.\r\n\r\nPIANO JOKES\r\nQ: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?\r\nA: A flat minor.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you get when you drop a piano onto an army base?\r\nA: A flat major.\r\n\r\nQ: Why is an 11-foot concert grand piano better than a studio upright piano?\r\nA: Because it makes a much bigger \"kaboom\" when dropped off a cliff.\r\n\r\nFLUTE/PICCOLO JOKES\r\nQ: How do you get two piccolo players to play in tune?\r\nA: Shoot one.\r\n\r\nTwo musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, \"Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?\"\r\nThe other replies, \"That was no piccolo, that was my fife.\"\r\n\r\nCLARINET JOKES\r\nQ: How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nA: Just one, but he'll have to go through a whole box of them before he finds the right one.\r\n\r\nQ: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?\r\nA: Gifted.\r\n\r\nSAXOPHONE JOKES\r\nQ: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?\r\nA: (1) Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles, and (2) neighbors get upset when you borrow their lawn mower and don't return it.\r\n\r\nTRUMPET JOKES\r\nQ: How do trumpetists traditionally greet each other?\r\nA: \"Nice to make your acquaintance. But I'm still better than you.\"\r\n\r\nFRENCH HORN JOKES\r\nQ: How do you get your viola section to sound like your horn section?\r\nA: Have them miss every other note.\r\n\r\n A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, \"Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?\"\r\n \"Nah,\" the first girl replied. \"That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all.\"\r\nThe next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, \"Well, how was his kissing?\"\r\n \"Ugh!\" the first girl exclaimed. \"Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!\"\r\nThe next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, \"Well, how was his kissing?\"\r\n \"Well,\" the first girl replied, \"his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17113,
"title": "Instrument Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's a cannibal?\r\n\r\nA: \u00c7\u009d\u00d7\u009fdo\u00c7\u009dd \u00c9\u00a5\u00ca\u0087\u00c4\u00b1\u00ca\u008d dn p\u00c7\u009d\u00c9\u009f s,o\u00c9\u00a5\u00ca\u008d uos\u00c9\u00b9\u00c7\u009dd \u00c9\u0090",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17116,
"title": "Cannibals"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Oh I really love my husband he's so cute and kind and everything! I will never do anything to hurt him.\r\n\r\nJack: Looks like you really love your husband, teacher.\r\n\r\nCara: It looks pretty obvious.\r\n\r\nAfter lunchtime the bell rang and everyone went to their classroom. When their teacher came...\r\n\r\nTeacher: Who keeps putting this ball pen on my table?! I will spill the ink to the one who keeps putting this thing.\r\n\r\nCara: Ummm teacher a while ago your husband came and put that ball pen on your table, and he told me to remind you that that was the ball pen that you were looking for since last month.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 17117,
"title": "Spilling Ink to Your Loved Husband"
},
{
"body": "Here is a guy that doesn't know English well that is going to a restaurant in Virginia:\r\n\r\nWaiter: Welcome sir, have a seat.\r\n\r\nThe waiter sent him to a solo table.\r\n\r\nThe guy: Happy birthday, sir!\r\n\r\nWaiter: It's not my birthday today.\r\n\r\nThe guy: Oh I mean thank you sir. I don't really know how to speak English well.\r\n\r\nThe waiter gave the guy the menu, but he didn't understand the things written. Then he heard a customer that is ordering food, and the guy thought of copying everything the customer is saying to the waiter. The waiter comes:\r\n\r\nWaiter: What would you want, sir?\r\n\r\nCustomer: I would want the manager's special fried chicken, some whole wheat bread, and this fish salad.\r\n\r\nThe guy: I do want a manager's special flied chicken, some hole wheat breath, and these flesh salad.\r\n\r\nWaiter: Ummm sir did you mean the manager's choice special fried chicken, some whole wheat bread, and the fish salad?\r\n\r\nThe guy: Yes sir. Sorry for the poor diction.\r\n\r\nCustomer: Also waiter please get that magazine over there.\r\nThe guy: Also weightlifter please get that megazine over there.\r\n\r\nWaiter: Yes sir it's waiter, not weightlifter, and magazine.\r\n\r\nThe guy: Sorry for that again.\r\n\r\nThe customer observed that the guy was copying all that he has ordered.\r\n\r\nCustomer: Hey you, why are you copying all that I am ordering?\r\n\r\nThe guy: Do you think that you are the only one that eats a magazine?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17118,
"title": "The Guy Who Doesn't Know English Well"
},
{
"body": "In the morning elephants put springs on their feet and jump around the jungle.\r\n\r\nNow the most fearsome sound to a monkey is \"Boing Boing\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17119,
"title": "Boing Boing"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma so stupid when she heard the doorbell she opened the microwave and said \"Hello???\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17120,
"title": "Doorbell"
},
{
"body": "During a break at work, John and Steve are chit-chatting about what happened the previous night:\r\n\r\nJohn: \"OK, well last night the wife and I decided to go see a play. I waited for 10 minutes downstairs for her to get ready, and we got on our way. So, we're driving down the street, when suddenly a car from oncoming traffic swerves into our lane! I quickly gripped the wheel, and turned out of the way. I hit the guardrail, so my car spun out, took 2 flips in the air, and landed in the ditch at the side of the road. But - guess what? My wife and I crawled out of the car WITHOUT a scratch. What do you think?\" \r\n\r\nSteve: \"I...I just can't believe it.\" \r\n\r\nJohn: \"I know, right? Isn't it unbelievable how we made it out alive and absolutely fine?\" \r\n\r\nSteve: \"No..not that. I just can't believe that it only took your wife 10 minutes to get ready!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17122,
"title": "Hard To Believe"
},
{
"body": "They had quite a scare in Washington, DC, today. Apparently, President Obama was meeting with some potential cabinet nominees and someone noticed a suspicious looking document on the table that no one had ever seen before.\r\n\r\nTurns out it was just a tax form, but it gave them quite a fright.\r\n\r\n - Jay Leno",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17124,
"title": "Security Breach"
},
{
"body": "Joe figured out a way to remember his wife's birthday and their wedding anniversary. He opened an account with a florist and told him to send flowers to his wife on those dates, along with a note signed, \"Your loving husband.\" His wife was thrilled by the attention, and all was great until one anniversary. Joe came home, saw the bouquet, kissed his wife, and said, \"Nice flowers. Where'd you get them?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17126,
"title": "Flowers"
},
{
"body": "The thing you need to focus on in your 20's is not getting a bad tattoo. You don't want to be 40 and going, \"No, dude, it was different back then - everybody loved SpongeBob.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17127,
"title": "Bad Tattoos"
},
{
"body": "I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17128,
"title": "My Daughter"
},
{
"body": "The reason grandparents and children get along so well is really quite simple: They have a common enemy.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17129,
"title": "The Truth About Grandparents"
},
{
"body": "Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations.\r\n\r\nShe turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the summer. \"We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota,\" he said.\r\n\r\n\"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,\" the teacher said, \"Can you tell the class how you spell that?\"\r\n\r\nLittle Johnny thought about it and said, \"Come to think of it, she lives in Ohio.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17135,
"title": "My Summer Vacation"
},
{
"body": "An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.\r\n\r\nA few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.\r\n\r\n\"All set back here, Captain,\" came the reply, \"except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 17137,
"title": "Emergency Landing!"
},
{
"body": "A waitress at a restaurant that David worked at had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. To make matters worse, she'd planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.\r\n\r\nAs a brand-new employee, David knew none of this backstory, so you can imagine his surprise when the found a note on the employees' community board saying:\r\n\r\n\"It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 17143,
"title": "The Christmas Party"
},
{
"body": "Real headline:\r\n\r\n\"Air Traffic Controllers Can Apply for Job in Braille\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 17144,
"title": "Scary Business Headline"
},
{
"body": "Ben never saw action on his high school football team. One day, the assistant coach gave him a pep talk.\r\n\r\n\"Remember, Ben,\" he told him, \"everyone on this team has an important role. There is no 'I' in 'team'.\"\r\n\r\n\"True,\" said the boy. \"But there is a 'Ben' in 'bench'.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 17145,
"title": "No I in Team!"
},
{
"body": "The pressure of a workday can bring out the weirdness in people. Possibilities for stupidity are endless. Here are some real conversations:\r\n\r\nBoss: \"You make too many mistakes! You're not very consistent.\"\r\nCube Dweller: \"Well, you can't be consistent all the time.\"\r\n\r\nCashier: \"And what form of payment will you be using today?\"\r\nCustomer: \"Money.\"\r\n\r\nOffice Manager: \"Where were you yesterday?\"\r\nPeon: \"I was at my cousin's funeral.\"\r\nOffice Manager: \"Why? Did she die?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 17146,
"title": "Stressed or Just Stupid?"
},
{
"body": "For those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best.\r\n\r\nBegin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.\r\n\r\nAfter a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.\r\n\r\nNext, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17148,
"title": "Attention: Keyboard Jockeys"
},
{
"body": "Two mice were waiting for the right time to get out of their mouse hole, because a cat was meowing on the other side. After a few minutes, the meowing stopped and was replaced by the \"woof, woof!\" of a dog. Thinking it was okay to come out, the mice crawled out of their hole and were pounced on by the cat. After its meal, the cat said, \"I always knew learning a second language would come in handy.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17150,
"title": "Cat, Rat, and (Dog)"
},
{
"body": "An old couple had been married for fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, the man took the woman on a trip, and they were to stay at an upscale hotel. When they got there, the woman told the bell boy, \"This is an awful hotel. Why is it upscale? No windows, no bathroom, no air conditioning.\"\r\n\r\n\"But, madam!\" the bell boy protested.\r\n\r\n\"Don't 'but madam' me,\" the lady said. \"This is one of the worst hotels I've ever even tried to stay at. I'm going to report it to your manager.\"\r\n\r\n\"But, madam!\" the bell boy persisted, \"this isn't your room, this is the elevator.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17151,
"title": "The Elevator"
},
{
"body": "This comes from an elderly man that spoke with me in a waiting room once.\r\n\r\n\"I don't like these places,\" he said, \"They're always trying to find out what you're thinking.\r\n\r\n\"But I was nifty, I got around her, see. I had a way around it.\" He looked at me and continued. \"She asked me if I was hearing voices, and I said 'Yes, ma'am, I hear you talking to me right now.' And when she asked if I felt like hurting myself or anybody else, I said 'No m'dear, but I really am going to hurt the next person who asks me that question.'\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17153,
"title": "A Meeting With the Psychologist"
},
{
"body": "A few weeks ago, my Health teacher set up a competition, saying the winning group would win an extra credit point. We were separated into five groups; water, electricity, food, paper, and gas. \r\n\r\nEach group had to come up with at least twenty ways to preserve their element. The group that came up with the most solutions would win the extra credit point. \r\n\r\nNear the end of the of the class, the teacher had reported that there were two winning teams; electricity, and gas. They had tied equally with very good responses.\r\n\r\nThe teacher then said that both of those teams would need to come up with a final way to preserve their element, and whoever had the best one, would be determined the winner. \r\n\r\n\"I'll pick the best one tomorrow,\" she said. \"I'll need both teams to speak with me. Alright, who has gas?\"\r\n\r\nSeveral students shot their hands up in the air before they realized exactly what she had said. One was laughing so hard that tears rolled down her face.\r\n\r\n-Member of the electricity group",
"category": "College",
"id": 17154,
"title": "A Health Class Competition"
},
{
"body": "Little Emma is watching her mother preparing their dinner \u00e2\u0080\u0093 this week it's Salt Beef. Emma watches her mother slice off both ends of the joint and place it in a saucepan ready for cooking. Emma asks, \"Why did you cut both ends off, Mum?\"\r\n\r\nHer mother pauses for a few seconds, then replies, \"That's a good question, Emma. It's what my mother always did when she made Salt Beef and I just do the same, but I've no idea why. Let's phone Granny and ask her.\"\r\n\r\nSo they phone granny and ask why she always sliced the ends off the Salt Beef before cooking.\r\n\r\nGranny replies, \"You know, I'm not sure why \u00e2\u0080\u0093 that was the way I always saw my mother make Salt Beef.\"\r\n\r\nBecause they are now very curious, they visit Emma's great grandmother in the nursing home and say to her, \"You know when we make Salt Beef, why do we always slice off the ends before cooking it?\"\r\n\r\n\"I don't know why you do it,\" says the great grandmother, \"but I never had a saucepan that was large enough!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17156,
"title": "Slicing The Ends Off"
},
{
"body": "This guy at work argued with everybody that his pink oxford shirt was actually \"salmon.\" Finally, human resources brought in a grizzly bear to settle the dispute.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17157,
"title": "Pink or Salmon?"
},
{
"body": "Can you tell the headline by the satirical publication \"The Onion\" from these real headlines?\r\n\r\n\"Couple recalls war years, 63 years of marriage.''\r\n\r\n\"Gun who killed officer said to have mental problems.\"\r\n\r\n\"Smokers asked to keep butts off beach.\"\r\n\r\n\"Volunteers needed to help abuse victims.\"\r\n\r\n\"Study finds link between red wine, letting mother know what you really think.\"\r\n\r\n\"Orleans seeks tenants for new jail.\"\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnswers:\r\n1. \"Sudbury Town Crier\" (Massachusetts)\r\n2. \"Times-Standard\" (Eureka, California)\r\n3. \"San Diego Union-Tribune\"\r\n4. \"Santa Barbara News-Press\"\r\n5. \"The Onion\"\r\n6. \"Daily News\" (Batavia, New York)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17158,
"title": "Fresh From the Press"
},
{
"body": "whats hitlers least favourite planet ? - jewpiter",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17159,
"title": "Hitler"
},
{
"body": "A blonde woman in Georgia bought a magnolia tree from a local nursery but, after only a few months, its leaves shrivelled and it appeared to be on its last legs. She took some leaf samples back to the nursery and demanded an explanation.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia tree, ma'am,\" said the manager.\r\n\r\n\"Good,\" she replied. \"What is it?\"\r\n\r\n\"Autumn!\" he said.",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 17161,
"title": "Oh Magnolia!"
},
{
"body": "Henry: Oh my enemies makes me so mad I want to kill them!\r\n\r\nPhil: I can help you with that.\r\n\r\nHenry: How?\r\n\r\nPhil: First, go to the internet cafe. When you are already using the computer make a folder and name it \"Your Enemies\". After that, delete the folder. Go to the recycle bin and delete the folder again. It should say \"Do you really want to delete \"Your Enemies\"?\". Click yes. Now you don't have your enemies any more. They're deleted out of this world. There's no way you can get them back unless you create them.\r\n\r\nHenry: Oh! Now I can get rid of them; but what if I decide to create them again? How can I create them again?\r\n\r\nPhil: There's no way you can create them again, Henry. To create them, of course they need to be born. You said that all females are your enemies.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17164,
"title": "Delete Your Enemies"
},
{
"body": "The judge summoned the opposing lawyers to his chambers.\r\n\r\nConfronting the lawyers, the judge said: \"Each of you has presented me with a bribe.\"\r\n\r\nThe lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.\r\n\r\n\"Mr. Hearnski, you gave me $15,000. Mr. Joy, you gave me $10,000.\"\r\n\r\nThe judge then handed a check to attorney Hearnski.\r\n\r\n\"Now then, I'm returning $5,000 to Mr. Hearnski and we'll decide this case solely on its merits!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 17167,
"title": "A Level Playing Field!"
},
{
"body": "What do Michael Jackson and Speed Racer have in common?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nThey both have a monkey and a small boy in their trunk.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17170,
"title": "Michael Jackson and Speed Racer"
},
{
"body": "Every man believes every woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.\r\n\r\nWhile a recent sociological study verified this, what men don't realize is that, in women's fantasies, one man cooks while the other cleans!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17180,
"title": "Fantasy"
},
{
"body": "There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed of spending holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so.\r\n\r\nOne day they came up with an idea - each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank. \r\n\r\nThey bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.\r\n\r\nThe husband looked at their savings and said: \"Isn't it strange - each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy, but I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills.\"\r\n\r\nThe wife replied, \"Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17181,
"title": "A Tight-Ass"
},
{
"body": "There was a woman who absolutely loved the music of Billy Joel and Paul McCartney. She loved them so much she decided to have their images tattooed on her body. She went to a tattoo parlor and told the artist she wanted Billy Joel tattooed on her left thigh, and Paul McCartney tattooed on her right thigh.\r\n\r\nWhen the job was completed, the artist gave her a mirror to inspect his work. She exclaimed that neither of the images looked like what they were supposed to be. The artist said let's get another opinion. \r\n\r\nHe went out to the street and asked a drunk to come in and assist with a little problem. There sat the woman, with her legs apart, and the artist asked the drunk what he saw. He replied, \"Well...that looks like Billy Joel on her left, Paul McCartney on her right...and that looks like Willie Nelson in the middle.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17183,
"title": "Favorite Artists..."
},
{
"body": "It was often said that if an African American was \r\n\r\never voted in to be the President of the United States, \r\n\r\nthat would be the the day that pigs fly. 100 days after \r\n\r\nPresident Barack Obama is in office, swine flu.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17185,
"title": "When Pigs Fly"
},
{
"body": "A young man was in town looking for a little something from the ladies. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there.\r\n\r\nWhen the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted.\r\n\r\n\"I want to get screwed,\" said the man.\r\n\r\n\"OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee,\" answered the voice.\r\n\r\nThe man slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed. Nothing happened.\r\n\r\nHe began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.\r\n\r\n\"Hey,\" exclaimed the man, \"I want to get screwed!\"\r\n\r\n\"What?\" said the voice, \"Again?\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17189,
"title": "Screwed"
},
{
"body": "Maths teacher asks a blonde girl what comes after 69?\" Essex girl replies \"you wash your face and rinse your mouth DUH...!\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17190,
"title": "Maths 69"
},
{
"body": "Those Wonderful Church Bulletins.\r\n\r\nThe Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.\r\n\r\nLadies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.\r\n\r\nThe peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.\r\n\r\nPlease place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.\r\n\r\nThe Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: \"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours\".",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17193,
"title": "Those Wonderful Church Bulletins"
},
{
"body": "Press Release\r\n\r\nScare At Adelaide F.C. (Football Club) Headquarters\r\n\r\nTraining at West Lakes was delayed nearly two hours late this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.\r\n\r\nInitially the Club thought it was a prank!\r\n\r\nTeam manager Neil Craig immediately suspended training, while police and the ASIO (Australia Special Investigations Office) were called to investigate.\r\n\r\nAfter a complete analysis, SA Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the goal line.\r\n\r\nPractice will resume this afternoon after police and ASIO decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 17195,
"title": "Press Release"
},
{
"body": "How do you know if you have the swine flu? \r\n\r\nYou wake up in pigtails and then break out in rashers!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17196,
"title": "Swine Flu! I"
},
{
"body": "Swine flu may affect your hearing: you could get crackling in one ear!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17197,
"title": "Swine Flu! II"
},
{
"body": "Top 10 Signs of Having Swine Flu\r\n\r\n1. Tears flow from your small eyes during a nightly bedtime reading of Three Little Pigs.\r\n\r\n2. A small curly tail is growing at the top of your tailbone.\r\n\r\n3. When called to dinner, you head directly to the trough in the backyard.\r\n\r\n4. Your thumbs and big toes are missing.\r\n\r\n5. You apply mud instead of suntan lotion on a sunny day.\r\n\r\n6. You develop a liking for truffles.\r\n\r\n7. At each meal you literally lick your plate clean.\r\n\r\n8. You emit short snorts between sentences.\r\n\r\n9. When friends visit you, they remark, \"Man, this place is a pigsty!\"\r\n\r\n10. Fever accompanied by the smell of bacon.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17198,
"title": "Top 10 Signs"
},
{
"body": "I hear there's now a sine flu as well.\r\n\r\nSomeone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17199,
"title": "Sine Flu"
},
{
"body": "yo momma is so ugly when she passed a horror movie filming the camera man said \"Hey! No breaks, get back on set.\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17205,
"title": "So Ugly"
},
{
"body": "Q:Why can peter pan fly?\r\nA:Because if you got hit in the peter with a pan you'd fly too.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17208,
"title": "Peter Pan"
},
{
"body": "yo momma is so stupid she drowned in the shower.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17209,
"title": "So Stupid"
},
{
"body": "Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table, when one sees a whisk.\r\n\r\nHe says to his friend, \"Ooh, what's that?\"\r\n\r\nThe friend replies, \"Beats me!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17210,
"title": "A Good Egg"
},
{
"body": "Why is a pool table green?\r\nBecause if someone racked your balls you'd be green too.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17211,
"title": "Pool Table"
},
{
"body": "A kid was at school when his male teacher was passing out alot of homework. The teacher was named bob. Mr. Bob said ''no help from your mom''. The kid named josh ask ''why can't we have help from are mom ''.Mr.bob replied '' your mom probally be very busy tonight so I will call your mom to make sure you want''.So he decided not to ask his mom for help on his homework. when he got home Mr.bob called his mom. She went to her room. When she got in there was a loud noise and he went in there to see what was the matter.mr.bob was sitn there with his mom.And affter a while mr.bob said ''did you finish your homework''.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17212,
"title": "Why So Much Homework"
},
{
"body": "Take this quiz to see if you are an idiot or not. If you make just one single mistake, you are an idiot. Ready?\r\n\r\n1.George Washington, who was born in 1732, was born in what year?\r\n2.The second war of the world, known as the World War II, is known as what?\r\n3.What is the answer to one hundred plus one hundred, given that one hundred plus one hundred is two hundred?\r\n4.What punctuation mark is used after this sentence, which is a question mark?\r\n5.This joke, who was written by xJOKERx, was written by who?\r\n6.If an elephant is bigger than a mouse, is a mouse bigger than an elephant?\r\n7.If this question has thirteen words, how many words does this question have?\r\n8.If you are currently reading this joke, give one person who is currently reading this joke.\r\n9.If the tortoise won his race against rabbit, am I right that rabbit won the race?\r\n10.If you are now reading the tenth question in the Quiz For The Idiots, are you now reading the ninth?\r\n\r\n\r\nI hope you did not make any mistake because if you did you are certified IDIOT!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17213,
"title": "Quiz For The Idiots"
},
{
"body": "What's worse than a brunette building a fire under water?\r\n\r\nA blonde trying to put it out.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17214,
"title": "Fire Under Water"
},
{
"body": "This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stumbles upon a redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt. \r\n\r\n\r\n\"Are you alright? What are you doing?\" the man asks but gets no answer at all. \r\n\r\nThe redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there. \r\n\r\nSo after a while of silence the man asks again, \"Can I help you sir?\" \r\n\r\nThe redneck replies this time. \"Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver.\" \r\n\r\n\"Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!\" the man says. \r\n\r\n\"NO\" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face \"The bitch ran over me 10 minutes ago!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 17222,
"title": "Redneck on the Road"
},
{
"body": "A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put \"Happy Thanksgiving\" under the turkey. \r\n\r\nSo the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with \"Merry Christmas\" up on her left thigh. \r\n\r\nSo the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, \"If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?\" \r\n\r\nShe says \"I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17223,
"title": "The Tattoo"
},
{
"body": "A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.\r\n\r\n\"Who's the other ticket for?\" the ticket girl asked.\r\n\r\n\"For my pet chicken,\" he said, pointing to the bird.\r\n\r\n\"I'm sorry,\" the girl tells him, \"but we don't allow animals in the theater.\"\r\n\r\nThe man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.\r\n\r\nThe chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.\r\n\r\nThe woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, \"Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!\"\r\n\r\nAmanda replied, \"Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all.\"\r\n\r\nThe woman whispered back, \"I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17224,
"title": "The Chicken At The Movies"
},
{
"body": "Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.\r\nIt was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars \u00c2\u00a31 (about $1.40) and coaches \u00c2\u00a35 (about $7).\r\n\r\nThis parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. \r\n\r\nThen, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.\r\n\r\n\"Oh well\", said Bristol Zoo Management, \"we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant . . .\"\r\n\r\n\"Actually,\" said the Council, \"that parking lot is your responsibility.\"\r\n\"Surely,\" said Bristol Zoo Management, \"the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?\"\r\n\"Err . . . NO!\" insisted the Council.\r\n\r\nSitting in his villa somewhere in Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at \u00c2\u00a3400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over \u00c2\u00a33.6 million ($7 million)!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 17225,
"title": "Making a Monkey Of Them"
},
{
"body": "A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, \"I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk.\"\r\n\r\nOur wasted friend asked, \"Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure,\" said the copper. \"Let's go.\"\r\n\r\nBreathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, \"Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 17234,
"title": "Glad to be Drunk"
},
{
"body": "1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. \r\n\r\n2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. \r\n\r\n3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day. \r\n\r\n4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join.\r\n\r\n5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. \r\n\r\n6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap. \r\n\r\n7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. \r\n\r\n8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. \r\n\r\n9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles. \r\n\r\n10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, \"I think we've got a code 3 in housewares,\" and see what happens. \r\n\r\n11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast. \r\n\r\n12. Play with the automatic doors. \r\n\r\n13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, \"Hi. I haven't seen you in so long.\" etc. See if they play along. \r\n\r\n14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, \"Who buys this crap anyway?!\" \r\n\r\n15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department. \r\n\r\n16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive. \r\n\r\n17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store. \r\n\r\n18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. \r\n\r\n19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, \"Wow, magic!\" \r\n\r\n20. Put M&M's on layaway. \r\n\r\n21. Move \"Caution: Wet Floor\" signs to carpeted areas. \r\n\r\n22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. \r\n\r\n23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles. \r\n\r\n24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. \r\n\r\n25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, \"I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave.\" \r\n\r\n26. TP as much of the store as possible. \r\n\r\n27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.\r\n\r\n28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell \"hello\" upside down. \r\n\r\n29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and say, \"Why won't you people just leave me alone?\" \r\n\r\n30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling \"Red Rover.\" \r\n\r\n31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples) \r\n\r\n32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men. \r\n\r\n33. Take bets on the battle from above. \r\n\r\n34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics. \r\n\r\n35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. \r\n\r\n36. Hold indoor shopping cart races. \r\n\r\n37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible. \r\n\r\n38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. \r\n\r\n39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. \r\n\r\n40. Say things like, \"Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies.\" \r\n\r\n41. Set up a \"Valet Parking\" sign in front of the store. \r\n\r\n42. Two words: Marco Polo.\r\n\r\n43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet section, etc.\r\n\r\n44. \"Re-alphabetize\" the CD's. \r\n\r\n45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels. \r\n\r\n46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. \r\n\r\n47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. \r\n\r\n48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, \"No, no, its those voices again.\" \r\n\r\n49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time. \r\n\r\n50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. \r\n\r\n*BONUS*\r\n\r\n1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without getting kicked out. \r\n\r\n2. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much you can make.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17240,
"title": "50 Fun Things to Do at Wal-mart"
},
{
"body": "They sat in the comer of Mulligan's refurbished bar, opposite a huge new floor-to-ceiling mirror.\r\n\r\nSuddenly Pat spotted their reflection across the room. \"Mick! Mick!\" he whispered. \"Don't look now, but there's two fellas over there that's the image of us!\"\r\n\r\n\"In the name of God,\" said Mick, spotting the reflection, \"and they're wearing identical clothes, too.\" \r\n\r\n\"That does it,\" said Pat. \"I'm gonna buy 'em a drink.\" \r\n\r\nJust as Pat rose from his seat, Mick stopped him. \r\n\r\n\"Sit down, Pat! One of 'em's coming over here!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 17241,
"title": "Upon Reflection . . ."
},
{
"body": "An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney's office as his lawyer handed him his will. \"Your estate is very complex,\" said the lawyer, \"but I've made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500.\"\r\n\r\nJust then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said \"$500,\" the old man wrote out his check and left.\r\n\r\nWhen she got off the phone and realized the old man's mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. \"Oh well,\" she said to herself, \"$500 for half an hour's work isn't bad.\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 17242,
"title": "It Isn't Bad"
},
{
"body": "This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:\r\n\r\n* Our next song is \"Angels We Have Heard Get High\".\r\n\r\n* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!\r\n\r\n* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.\r\n\r\n* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.\r\n\r\n* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17243,
"title": "Church Bulletin Bloopers"
},
{
"body": "Y'know - just when I think I've finally figured out women, I wake up!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17244,
"title": "Stand Under"
},
{
"body": "\"What I saw, it was burned into my mind forever.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, that explains the red markings on your scalp.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17249,
"title": "Burned Into Your Mind"
},
{
"body": "She was only a whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17253,
"title": "In The Eye Of The Beerholder"
},
{
"body": "One stormy night an English, Irish and Scottish man were walking home and had no shelter so at the top of this big hill they found this haunted house. \r\n\r\nThey were all freaked out and hesitated to go in. \r\n\r\nEventually, the English man went in and found a five pound note sitting on the table and he goes to lift it when all of a sudden the ghost of Mickey Mouse appears and says, \"I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse; lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house.\" \r\n\r\nNext the Scottish man went in and saw the fiver, but before he could lift it the ghost of Mickey Mouse appeared again and said, \"I'm the ghost of Mickey Mouse; lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house.\" \r\n\r\nFinally, the Irishman went in and lifted the fiver and Mickey Mouse popped out again and said, \"I'm the ghost of Mickey mouse, lift that fiver and I'll haunt your house.\" \r\n\r\nThen the Irishman said, \"I'm the ghost of Donald Duck; I'll lift this fiver and I'll run like fuck.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17254,
"title": "Mickey Mouse"
},
{
"body": "A store owner makes a sign to hang in his window.\r\nFRESH FISH SOLD HERE\r\n\r\nA critic walks into the store and asks the owner if he would like his store critiqued. He says yes.\r\n\r\n\"Well, first thing's the sign,\" says the critic. \"'Fresh Fish Sold Here'? Well, where else would you sell 'em?\"\r\nFRESH FISH SOLD\r\n\r\n\"'Fresh Fish Sold'. What else would you be doing, giving 'em away?\"\r\nFRESH FISH\r\n\r\n\"'Fresh Fish'. Kinda obvious. Would you sell rotting fish?\"\r\nFISH\r\n\r\n\"'Fish'. People walk by, they see a fish in the window. What do they think you sell, chicken?\"\r\n-",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17261,
"title": "Fresh Fish Sold Here"
},
{
"body": "It was my first vacation out of my home country - I was going to Australia. It was also going to be my first time on a plane, so I got a nice, large, purple bag with one of the long, pull-out handles and wheels on the bottom so you can pull it around. It was a new experience for me! But, when I got to Australia, I watched the carousel go around and I saw nothing but the long handle. I even checked the sticker, and it was from my bag. I was furious. I walked up to a woman who worked at the airport and said, \"Explain this to me!\" She looked at the handle.\r\n\"Are you sure that's your bag?\" she replied.\r\n\"Yes!\" I cried, \"but I'm missing most of it!\" \r\n\"Well, did you leave it unattended at some point?\" \r\n\"I guess I must've!\"\r\n\"Okay, now we've nicked it. Tell me what it looks like so we can get it back.\" \r\nMore angry than before, I cried, \"Well, it's got a long black handle!\"\r\n\r\nThe woman wrote that down.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17262,
"title": "Airport Baggage"
},
{
"body": "Three friends sat down in the new cafe' in town. They began to have casual conversation, and eventually jokes were brought up. One of them said, \"Oh, did you hear the joke about the guy in hell drinking coffee and eating a doughnut?\" Before anyone could answer, though, the man across the room told the waitress, \"I'll have some coffee and a doughnut\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17264,
"title": "The Cafe'"
},
{
"body": "A special kind of firework with very bright colors and little smoke was accidentally discovered when a man tried to make the atomic bomb safer.\r\n\r\nThat defeats the original purpose.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17265,
"title": "Fireworks"
},
{
"body": "Everyone knows that common phrase, meaning, 'COME ON, I NEED TO GET LUCKY!' Well, whenever I need to get lucky, I say,\r\n\r\nDaddy needs a new pair o' pants!\r\n(Come on, winter is coming!)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17266,
"title": "Daddy Needs a New Pair O' Pants!"
},
{
"body": "Jersey girls aren't trash; trash gets picked up.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17269,
"title": "Jersey Girls"
},
{
"body": "How long does a black woman take to do a shit?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n9 months",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17275,
"title": "Black Woman"
},
{
"body": "1. Thinly smear a layer of white shaving cream on a white toilet seat and wait for the next poor sap to sit down.\r\n\r\n2. Get some poppers (the little white paper balls with the flint in them) and place them under the pegs of a toilet seat. When the next person sits down, the loud BANG will scare the shit out of them.\r\n\r\n3. Take some liquid hand soap and mix it with water, then, dab your finger in the liquid and write something on the mirror. Once dried, the soap should be nearly invisible. The next time someone takes a shower and fogs up the mirror, the writing will appear.\r\n\r\n4. If you have a shower head that screws off, this prank can be priceless. Unscrew the head an carefully pour red \r\nkool-aid (oh yeah!) into the shower head, then screw it back on. The next time someone takes a shower, the water will run blood red.\r\n\r\n5. If you have access to itching powder, pour some on the seat or on the toilet paper. If you have no itching powder, mix shaved stubble with a small amount of shaving cream and dab it on the seat.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17276,
"title": "5 Awesome Bathroom Pranks!"
},
{
"body": "Every year the class of Ms. Marquez has a class urine contest. The goal is to be the one to pee the most. If you do, you win. There are four contestants. One is from Japan, another is from the United States, the next is from Mexico, and the last, but definitely not the least, is from the Philippines.\r\n\r\nThe Japanese filled a gallon with urine. The audience clapped. The American filled five big tanks of urine. The audience clapped and shouted. The Mexican filled five big tank and a gallon with urine. The audience clapped, shouted, and danced. Here is the Filipino. When th Filipino finished his turn, there were no one who clapped, shouted, nor danced, because the whole classroom was filled with urine.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 17278,
"title": "The International Class Urine Contest"
},
{
"body": "As a senior at Xxxxxx State University in Mixxxxxxx, I often engage women psychology majors in heated discussions about male-female relationships.\r\n\r\nOnce, my friend Shelly and I got into a hot debate about whether men or women make the larger sacrifice of their respective gender characteristics when they get married. To my surprise, Shelly agreed with me that men give up far more than women.\r\n\r\n\"You're right, Steve,\" she said. \"Men generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping, their laundry . . .\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17279,
"title": "Sacrifice For Love"
},
{
"body": "One day, Farrah Fawcett died and went to heaven. At the gates, St.Peter greeted her.\r\n\r\n\"Hello, and welcome. You have lived a life full of prosperity and love. You have given millions around the world entertainment with your acting. Now I will provide you with one wish for the Earth before you enter Heaven. What is it?\"\r\n\r\nFarrah thought for a minute, but answered, \"I would like all the children in the world to be safe.\" \r\n\r\n\r\nThe next day, Michael Jackson died.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17280,
"title": "The Final Wish"
},
{
"body": "This poem is for every guy who has a girl who wants poetry and songs devoted entirely to them ;) \r\n\r\n( Sung to row row row my boat )\r\n\r\nSuck, suck, suck my cock\r\nsuck my god damn cock\r\nblow it hard you fucking 'tard\r\nsuck my god damn cock!\r\n\r\nPlease, if this offends you don't read it, no need to comment on how horrid it is, this is not every one's brand of humor . . .",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17281,
"title": "A Simple Little Poem"
},
{
"body": "Someone approaches you to say hi and your immediate response is, \"You bet I am!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 17283,
"title": "You Know You're a Redneck When . . ."
},
{
"body": "Not sure if this is up yet but I haven't seen it so here it goes . . .\r\n\r\n A 30-year-old man suffers from massive MASSIVE headaches that dominate his life completely and cause him pain almost every single moment of every day. He's been going through this pain since he was around 20 and no doctor has ever been able to help him out in curing the pain though he has tried almost every pain killer, and several surgeries.\r\n\r\n One day a doctor calls him in to talk. The man expects another prescription of pain meds and what-not so he goes in, but he's shocked to find that this doctor has actually figured out what's wrong.\r\n\r\n \"You see, sir,\" says the doctor, \"You have a very very rare condition where your testicles press up against the base of your spine sending a searing pain directly to your brain.\"\r\n\r\nThe man is shocked, so he asks the most obvious question though he's sure he knows the answer already. \"Doc, what are we going to do about it?\"\r\n\r\nThe doctor replies solemnly that he will have to go under the knife and have his testicles removed. The man agrees, fearing living through the pain for the rest of his life.\r\nThe operation goes perfectly and in six days the man is up and moving, completely pain free. The next day he decides to go out and buy a nice suit because he can know go out and enjoy himself.\r\n\r\nWhen he gets there, an elderly man is sitting at the counter, and upon seeing the man he stood up and shouted as loud as he could, \"I bet you need a size 36 sports jacket and a pair of trousers with 37 leg and 32 waist.\"\r\n\r\nThe man was stunned, muttering, \"Well, that's exactly right; how on earth did you know?\"\r\n\r\nThe elderly man replied laughing, \"Son, I've been in the business for 50 years, there ain't no one that can fool me.\"\r\n\r\nSo the man tried on his clothes and they fit perfectly. The old man smiled again and said, \"What did I tell you, I've been in the business for 50 years!\"\r\n\r\nSo the man stood in line to buy his new clothing when he realized he needed new underwear as well, so he turned to the old man and said, \"I bet you can't guess my size in underwear.\"\r\n\r\nThe old man looked him up and down and the announced, \"You need a size 10\"\r\n\r\nThe man then laughed and said, \"I got you! I've been wearing a size 8 since I was about 20!\"\r\n\r\nNow the old man was puzzled and said, \"Well sir, to be frank that's impossible. For a man of your size a size 8 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine, giving you one hell of a nasty headache.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 17284,
"title": "A Week Too Late . . ."
},
{
"body": "Why aren't there more Kenyans in the Olympics? \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAll the rest couldn't outrun the slave traders!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17285,
"title": "Kenyans"
},
{
"body": "I thought up ALL OF THEESE. I am NOT duplicating anyone (except for 15 and 14, from the American 'Whose Line is it anyway?') So if you want a good \"Fun things\" and you don't want to keep seeing duplicates, read on.\r\n~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\r\n1.When the math teacher asks you a question, purposely answer incorrectly. Persist. See how long it keeps going.\r\nIn my class, this really happened with a kid named Rahul. The teacher asked him how many centimeters were in a meter, and he kept on saying \"1\" and he kept it going for the rest of the period. ( 20 minutes!!! )\r\n\r\n2. When reading a book, scream, \"NO! DON'T!!! LOOK OUT!\"\r\n\r\n3. Whenever you pick up a pencil, say the word \"potato\" or some other random word. Say it again when you set it down. See how long it takes for people to get what's happening.\r\n\r\n4. Doodle in your notebook. At the end of the period, ask the teacher if he/she thinks that they're good.\r\n\r\n5. Open a book and set it down like a tent. When attempting to enter it, keep crying \"D'oh!\" as long as you can.\r\n\r\n6. Play cards.\r\n\r\n7. Take all of the computers in the computer lab off of the internet. \r\n\r\n8. Ask trivial questions, like, \"Why is the subject called 'History?' why not Schnurples?\" If you do that, use Schnurples for 'History' in all the rest of your papers.\r\n\r\n9.If the school has those phones with the large blocks that go up and down when you take the phone off the hook, tape it down. The teacher will miss a call, and trust me, it's pretty annoying.\r\n\r\n10. Give an apple to the teacher- but make sure it actually has a worm in it.\r\n\r\n11. Create a set of common words (the, or, as, so, etc..) and scream whenever someone uses one of them.\r\n\r\n12. If you are gifted with farting at will then fart whenever someone uses one of the words.\r\n\r\n13. If you can't fart at will, burp.\r\n\r\n14. Only speak in questions.\r\n\r\n15. Only use a certain amount of words in each sentence.",
"category": "College",
"id": 17286,
"title": "Fun Things to Do At School (NOT a Duplicate!)"
},
{
"body": "An elderly couple was attending Mass.\r\nAbout halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?\r\nHe replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17289,
"title": "Not So Silent"
},
{
"body": "One day, a Democrat was on vacation. He was walking along the beach, when he hit his toe on a hard object, and looking down, he saw a small, shiny golden lamp sticking out of the sand.\r\n\r\nExcited, he grabbed the lamp, and rubbed its side. A genie appeared from the lamp and said, \"Thank you for releasing me. You may have three wishes. But I am a Republican genie; whatever you wish for, every Republican will get two of tomorrow morning.\"\r\n\r\nThe Democrat nodded, and said, \"I'd like a shiny new car.\" The genie said, \"Your wish is granted. Every Republican ill have two new shiny cars in their driveways tomorrow morning;\" and a new car appeared next to them.\r\n\r\n\"I want a million dollars,\" said the Democrat. The genie answered by saying, \"Every Republican will have two million dollars tomorrow morning;\" and one million dollars appeared on the driver's seat of the car.\r\n\r\nThe Democrat thought long and hard about his last wish, until finally saying, \"Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney . . .\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17295,
"title": "Three Wishes"
},
{
"body": "Sir Lancelot was losing patience with Lady Guinevere. He had fought battles; he had jeopardized his reputation; he had ruined his friendship with King Arthur.\r\n\r\nBut it was all worthwhile just to have this time with his lovely lady. They had run away for a little while, but Lancelot was growing angry because Guinevere was spending all her time on a stupid crossword puzzle.\r\n\r\nWhen she raised her quill to write in another word, he snapped. He couldn't take it any more.\r\n\r\nHe yelled in a harsh tone, \"GIVE ME THE PEN GUIN!\"\r\n\r\nAfter that, she thought he had lost his mind, and left him.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17300,
"title": "Medieval Penguins"
},
{
"body": "A blonde mother runs her own daycare business. She has two of her own kids and has about 15 kids in her daycare. One day the blonde takes the children to the park to play, when a brunette walks up and notices the blonde and her daycare kids.\r\n\r\nShe goes to the blonde and asks her, \"Are all these kids yours?\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde replies, \"No, I have two of my own.\"\r\n\r\nThe brunette proceeds to ask which two are the blonde's.\r\n\r\nThe blonde laughs and says. \"My kids go to the YMCA daycare center.\"\r\n\r\nThe brunette asks in a puzzled voice, \"Why are they there when you run your own daycare?\"\r\n\r\nThe blonde looks at her and says, \"Because I can't afford what I charge.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17301,
"title": "Daycare"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mamma's so fat when she jumped off the ship a sailor yelled, \"Land Ahoy!\"",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17304,
"title": "Land Ahoy!"
},
{
"body": "A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, \"Hey, koala! What are you doing?\"\r\n\r\nThe koala said, \"Smoking a joint - come up and have some,\"\r\nso the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala, where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while, the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and he was going to get a drink from the river.\r\n\r\nThe little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped to the river bank. Then he asked the little lizard, \"What's the matter with you?\"\r\n\r\nThe little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.\r\n\r\nThe crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, \"Hey you!\"\r\n\r\nThe koala looked down at him and said,\r\n\r\n\"Shiii-iit, Dude! How much water did you drink?!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17306,
"title": "Water Way To Go!"
},
{
"body": "This couple is walking to a bank, and they're trying to get at a savings account, when suddenly a bank robber comes in.\r\n\r\nHe tells everyone to get against the wall, then he told the banker to put all the money in the bag. He then walks up to a man, and said, \"Did you see me rob this bank?\" The man replies, \"Yes.\"\r\n\r\nBang, he shoots him. He gos to another man; \"Did you see me rob this bank?\" The man gives no answer, then the robber puts the gun up to his head and said, \"Did you see me rob this bank?\" \"Yes,\" the man replies.\r\n\r\nThe robber shoots him, then he goes up to the couple and once again said, \"Did you see me rob this bank?\"\r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"No, but my wife did.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17307,
"title": "The Robber"
},
{
"body": "I tried for years to snap my thumb and finger together - and suddenly it clicked!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17308,
"title": "Snap"
},
{
"body": "TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:\r\n\r\n(1) They live here. You don't.\r\n(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.\r\n(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.\r\n(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.\r\n\r\nRemember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they \r\n(1) eat less,\r\n(2) don't ask for money all the time,\r\n(3) are easier to train,\r\n(4) normally come when called,\r\n(5) never ask to drive the car,\r\n(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;\r\n(7) don't smoke or drink,\r\n(8) don't want to wear your clothes,\r\n(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,\r\n(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and \r\n(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17309,
"title": "To All Non-Pet Owners . . ."
},
{
"body": "How do you shut up a crying baby?\r\n\r\nFinish the job.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17311,
"title": "Dead Baby Crying"
},
{
"body": "Do you think god gets stoned? I do. Look at the platypus!\r\n\r\n-Robin Williams",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17315,
"title": "Gets Stoned"
},
{
"body": "How can you tell if a blonde has been in your fridge?\r\n\r\nThere is lipstick on the cucumber",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17317,
"title": "Blonde in Your Fridge"
},
{
"body": "Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money some day. \r\n\r\nHe took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.\r\n\r\n\"Look at that yacht,\" he said as they drove slowly past a marina. \"That belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. The head of Goldman, Sachs, owns that one over there, and look at that huge yacht out there - that's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache.\"\r\nHis friend was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face. \"What's the matter?\" Goodman asked.\r\n\r\n\"I was just wondering,\" his friend said, \"why aren't there any customers' yachts?\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 17318,
"title": "What Yacht You Got?"
},
{
"body": "A police man arrested a MBA marketing girl.... \r\nGIRL: I'M not involved in sex\r\nCOP:Then what are you doing?\r\nGIRL: I am selling condoms and offering a free a trial",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17319,
"title": "I Am Not Involved"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a black priest?\r\nHoly Crap!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17322,
"title": "Learned it in 5th Grade..."
},
{
"body": "Once upon a time in a land where everyone updates there Facebook status every 5 seconds, there was a young girl named Isabel. When Isabel was reading her cereal box, she thought \"Oh.Maybe I should check my Facebook.\" So Isabel walked over to her Mac and sat down. She typed in Facebook.com and clicked enter. But when she tried to sign in, it said \"cookies required.\" \"Okay.\" Isabel said so she walked into the kitchen and over to the cupboard and looked for some cookies. But she did not find any. So Isabel went to Hyvee with her mom and bought some cookie mix. 10 minutes later she had some cookies.So Isabel got her dads hand saw and sawed the Mac in half. Afterwards, she stuffed every single crumb of cookie inside that computer,and duct taped it back together",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17324,
"title": "The Computer Cookie"
},
{
"body": "Once there was a large group of mexicans who made a club called the I love Mayonnaise Club. And they made this club days before the titanic set sail. And on the titanic there was a large, large case of mayonnaise. And later when the titanic sank, this group was very sad so they formed a holiday called \"Sink-o Da-Mayo\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17325,
"title": "Sink-o Da-Mayo"
},
{
"body": "Real Quotes By George Bush:\r\n\r\nThis is my maiden voyage. My first speech since I was the president of the United States and I couldn't think of a better place to give it than Calgary, Canada.\" - George W. Bush, as reported by the Associated Press, Calgary, Canada, March 17, 2009.\r\n\r\n\"I'm going to put people in my place, so when the history of this administration is written at least there's an authoritarian voice saying exactly what happened.\" - George W. Bush, on what he hopes to accomplish with his memoir, as reported by the Associated Press, Calgary, Canada, March 17, 2009.\r\n\r\n\"One of the very difficult parts of the decision I made on the financial crisis was to use hardworking people's money to help prevent there to be a crisis.\" - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009.\r\n\r\n\"I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best.\" - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009.\r\n\r\n\"In terms of the economy, look, I inherited a recession, I am ending on a recession.\" - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009.\r\n\r\n\r\n\"I guess it's OK to call the secretary of education here 'buddy.' That means friend.\" - George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Jan. 8, 2009.\r\n\r\n\"So I analyzed that and decided I didn't want to be the president during a depression greater than the Great Depression, or the beginning of a depression greater than the Great Depression.\" - George W. Bush, Washington D.C., Dec. 18, 2008.\r\n\r\n\"People say, well, do you ever hear any other voices other than, like, a few people? Of course I do.\" - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 18, 2008.\r\n\r\n\"I've abandoned free market principles to save the free market system.\" - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 16, 2008.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17326,
"title": "Oh, George!"
},
{
"body": "If I ever need a good laugh....Yo Momma",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17329,
"title": "If I Ever Need a Good Laugh"
},
{
"body": "what George W. bush thinks during his cabinet meetings.\r\n\r\n\r\nHmmm...what does the w stand for?\r\nWait... there isn't even a cabinet in here!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17330,
"title": "Cabinet Meetings"
},
{
"body": "The following is a list of the U.S. deaths in certain places.\r\n\r\nSeptember 11: 2,752\r\nWar on Terror: 4,344\r\n\r\nWe beat ourselves.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17331,
"title": "September 11"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock\r\nWho's there?\r\nDennis\r\nWhat is Den?\r\nMy name is Dennis\r\nWhat is Den?\r\nDen is like a mini barnyard or a mini house\r\nOh!Anyways who are you?\r\nI am Dennis!!\r\nI forgot what den is again.\r\nARGH!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17335,
"title": "Den Is a What?"
},
{
"body": "What does PPSH-41 stand for?\r\n\r\nIt is:Perfectly and Painfully and Stubborn Hallucination for(4) one(1)",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17336,
"title": "PPSH-41"
},
{
"body": "A boy named Ronald bought a Xbox for Christmas. 7 months later, the Xbox broke. He knew he needed to replace it with a new one, but the shop where he bought it was closed down in favor for a shoe store.\r\n\r\nHe went to the new console shop which was just a kilometer away. He saw an Xbox and he knew he got enough money for it, so he said he wanted an Xbox and the cashier said: \"Your Xbox will be delivered in 2 or 3 days.\" In 2 days, the doorbell rang. He knew it is the Xbox he ordered. Outside was a man with glasses, holding a box where Ronald thought inside was an Xbox, but when he opened it, he was shocked.\r\n\r\nIt was a box marked with an X on the cover and inside was a game for Xbox only. Thus a bad discussion went through:\r\n\r\n\"I said I want an Xbox!\"\r\n\r\n\"That is your Xbox with a game for Xbox also!\"\r\n\r\n\"But it's a box with an X marked on it. I want the Xbox!\"\r\n\r\n\"But that's your Xbox!\"\r\n\r\n\"The digital type!\"\r\n\r\n\"Ohhhh! I will call the president of our company. Maybe he can fix the problem.\"\r\n\r\nAfter 2 weeks, he got another box but this time, the man with glasses didn't appear. The box was just sitting there, on the rocky path to the door. He picked it up. It seemed to be heavy. When he opened it, a letter with an Anvil said:\r\n\r\nDear Ronald\r\n I know you wanted an Xbox but the one you might have seen in the store, the digital one, was reserved for someone else before you asked for it. Send me a letter back if you want to know who owns it.\r\n\r\nSo Ronald sent a letter to the president. After a while, the reply came to Ronald. It was a very rude letter:\r\n\r\nDear Ronald\r\n\r\n The Xbox belonged to me, because I was really poor and just stole money to buy the store and Xbox. It's busted now, so you can never have it!\r\n\r\nRonald was very angry. Then he told the police to put a \"pretend\" bill to the president for breaking the Xbox.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17337,
"title": "Xbox Mistake"
},
{
"body": "A male teenager went out to his favorite band concert \"The Hearts of Heaven\". They have very cool songs but their singer's life would end the very next night.\r\n\r\nThe next night, they made their next concert which is in the capital of the teenager's country. It wasn't very far. He went to the concert and enjoyed the songs, but one made him a bit twitchy. It was called \"Take my heart out\". The song made the teenager go to the singer's house, and take his heart out. All the other band members tried to stop him but he also got their hearts. He put them in a small box.\r\n\r\nLater the police found out that one of the windows of the house was stained with blood. They went in and took a look. He saw that the people in the house got their hearts out.\r\n\r\n2 weeks later, they were sent to the hospital. During the operation, the doctor said, \"The cause of this is the song \"Take My Heart Out.\" I suppose should I take that suspect through a therapy test.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 17338,
"title": "Take My Heart Out"
},
{
"body": "We all know the world war II games right?And they also have the Thompson gun which belongs to the Americans and British.\r\n\r\nThere is a 2nd meaning.\r\n\r\n(Capital letters make for Thompson not just the beginning words.If you know what I mean)\r\n\r\nThompson means:Theories Having Oatmeal Mayhem.Prefers to Sadness because Oatmeal is Numb.\r\n\r\nCapital letters are the letters of Thompson.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17339,
"title": "Second Meaning of Thompson"
},
{
"body": "Knock Knock\r\nWho's there\r\nZ\r\nZ who?\r\nZ taxi is leaving!\r\nI don't speak Italian or French or anything of your so-called \"Special\" Language!*Slams door*",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17340,
"title": "I'm Not Italian or French"
},
{
"body": "How many exciting people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nNone, because they are VERY excited, one of them cracks the lightbulb and another throws the screw at their neighbor's house.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 17341,
"title": "Exciting People"
},
{
"body": "A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, \"Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.\"\r\n\r\nShe said, \"You have the biggest penis of all your friends.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17346,
"title": "MIXED EMOTIONS"
},
{
"body": "A woman is walking down the street with a pack of menstrual pads in her hand, after buying them from the store. A homeless guy comes by and kindly asks for money. The woman says she has no change. So, the guy being a smartass says, \"Can I have some of that bread in your hand?\" The woman being a bigger smartass says, \"Meet me tomorrow and I will give it to you with some ketchup on it!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 17347,
"title": "Break the Bread"
},
{
"body": "You'll never guess what just happened! I just got arrested for punching a black woman. It wasn't my fault it was my mom's. We were in Home Depot when she told me to go find a Black & Decker.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17348,
"title": "Arrested"
},
{
"body": "One day, I was about to tell my 'Micky Mouse is Mad' joke to my friends, when I get to the part \"Mickey Mouse was in the Divorce court...\" One of my friends interrupted me and started yelling... \"But why is it Mickey Mouse? Why not Steamboat Willie? Or George?\"\r\nLosing interest, I noticed there was a post-it on my backpack.\r\nI threw it to my second friend. He opened it and read 'Fluffy?', and threw it to my first friend droning on and on and on and on and on and....\r\n\r\nHe said this.\r\n\"Why is Steamboat Willie the same as Mickey Mouse? Steamboat Willie is a boat driver and Mickey Mouse does NOTHING. He just sits around being all-\" then he got the post-it.\r\n\"FLUFFY? He just sits around being FLUFFY?\"\r\nWe laughed than I said I'd post this on Wocka. I got home and started typing 'One day, I was about to tell my 'Micky Mouse is Mad' joke to my friends....",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17349,
"title": "On The Bus..."
},
{
"body": "what did one gay say to the other when they broke up? \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n''YOU'RE SUCH A PAIN IN THE A*S''",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 17350,
"title": "Ouch!"
},
{
"body": "These are quotes from the show SOUTH PARK. If you're a fan, you'll love this! They are the quotes of CARTMAN(\"the fat ass\")\r\n\r\nCartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.\r\nStan: Jesus, Cartman.\r\nCartman: Well, I'm just sayn', man, seriously, don't mess with kitty, man. \r\n\r\n\r\nChief Running Water: Your mother is what we Indians call, 'Bear With Wide Canyon.'\r\nCartman: What do you mean?\r\nCRW: She is 'Doe Who Cannot Keep Legs Together.'\r\nCartman: Huh?\r\nCRW: Your mom's a slut. \r\n\r\n\r\nKyle: Wow! That's a lot of seamen, Cartman.\r\nCartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.\r\nStan: That's cool.\r\nCartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.\r\n\r\n\r\nCartman (singing): I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus. I want to feel his salvation all over my face. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nCartman: Hippies.They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.\r\n\r\nCartman: I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about \"protectin' the earth\" and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets - I hate 'em! I wanna kick 'em in the nuts!\r\n\r\nCartman: Naw dude, Independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding. \r\n\r\nStan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.\r\nUncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree hugger.\r\nCartman: Yeah, hippie. Go back to Woodstock if you don't wnat to shoot anything.\r\n\r\n\r\nKyle: Does anybody know anything about corporations?\r\nCartman: I think my mom is a corporation.\r\nStan (sarcastically): Yeah, that makes sense. \r\n\r\nCartman: You seem a little irritable, Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?\r\nKyle: There's no sand in my vagina! \r\n\r\n\r\nCartman: Yeah, if some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, \"hey, why don't you stop dressin' me up like a mailman, \r\nannnd making me dance for you while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know, on my dad's bed!\" \r\nStan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?! \r\nCartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all. \r\n\r\nCartman: If some sissy chick tried to kick my ass I would say hey, missy, go knit me a sweater before I slap you in the face!\r\n\r\nCartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie! \r\n\r\nCartman: My mom says if you want to become a lesbian, you have to lick carpet \r\n\r\nCartman: I'm trying to make the best out of a bad situation. I don't need to hear crap from a bunch of hippie freaks living in denial! Screw you guys, I'm going home. \r\n\r\nCartman: (On Dolphins) (0n Dolphins) Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise. \r\n\r\nCartman: Dolphins, eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17351,
"title": "Cartman's Quotes -1 (Don't Read This If You Easily Get Offended)"
},
{
"body": "Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word \"wand\" with \"wang\" in the first Harry Potter Book\r\n Let's see the results . . .\r\n\r\n\"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?\" asked Harry.\r\n\"Oh, well - I was at Hogwarts meself but I - er - got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything.\"\r\n\r\nA magic wang . . . this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.\r\n\r\n\"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon, Harry Potter.\" It wasn't a question. \r\n\r\n\"You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work. Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang, eleven inches. \"\r\n\r\nHarry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, move over,\" Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!'\"\r\n\r\nThe troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.\r\n\r\nHe bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.\r\n\r\nHe ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.\r\n\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding . . . Any second now, he might hear his mother again . . . but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to . . . or did he?\r\n\r\nSomething silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang, then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.\r\n\r\n\"Get - off - me!\" Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17352,
"title": "Harry Potter and His Magic Wang"
},
{
"body": "The \"bishop\" came to our church today\r\n\r\n\r\nThe was a fucken impostor\r\n\r\n\r\nHe never once moved diagonally",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17354,
"title": "Imposter"
},
{
"body": "This 4-year-old kid is sitting on the couch watching T.V. silently, with an angry look on his face. After a while, his mother notices this and asks him, \"Why the long face?\" \r\n \r\n\"Well, Mommy, I know that you invited everyone to your wedding. You invited grandpa, grandma, my uncle, your friends and all . . .\" \r\n \r\n\"So what's the problem, Sweety?\" his mother asks. \"WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17355,
"title": "An Invitation"
},
{
"body": "Me and my friend were IMing and it was like this...\r\n\r\nMe:BRB\r\n\r\nHim: kake\r\n\r\n\r\nMe:heh\r\n\r\n\r\nHim:I LIKE KAKE\r\n\r\n\r\nMe:i like 3.1415926535\r\n\r\n\r\nHim:Pi >:0",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17356,
"title": "Numbers"
},
{
"body": "1 Good Grades\r\n2 Social life\r\n3 Adequate Sleep.\r\n\r\nPick Two\r\n\r\nWelcome to College...",
"category": "College",
"id": 17357,
"title": "At College"
},
{
"body": "Dad, have you got a ladder?\r\n\r\nYes; why?\r\n\r\nI have to write an essay on an elephant!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17358,
"title": "Dad, Have You . . .?"
},
{
"body": "Johnny comes home from school, and shouts, \"Mother!\"\r\n\r\nMother calls from upstairs, \"If you wish to speak to me, come upstairs so you don't have to shout.\"\r\n\r\nWhen Johnny gets upstairs, she says, \"Now, what did you want to say to me?\"\r\n\r\n\"Just that I trod in some dog do, but it seems to have gone now!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17359,
"title": "When Johnny Comes Home Again"
},
{
"body": "There were cockroaches in the corner of a hotel when four people saw it and reacted differently. The hotel manager saw the cockroaches, and said \"Can somebody please clean these up? It's ruining my hotel.\" A customer saw it and said \"Don't the hotel facilities know how to maintain this hotel clean and free of gross creatures? I'm out of here.\" A movie star saw it and said \"Eeewww, crochy! Go away!\" Then a beggar outside saw it and said \"Is that dinner? For me?\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17360,
"title": "Is That Dinner?"
},
{
"body": "Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.\r\nJohn F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.\r\n\r\nAbraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.\r\nJohn F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.\r\n\r\nThe names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.\r\nBoth were particularly concerned with civil rights.\r\nBoth wives lost their children while living in the White House.\r\nBoth Presidents were shot on a Friday.\r\nBoth were shot in the head.\r\n\r\nLincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.\r\nKennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.\r\n\r\nBoth were assassinated by Southerners.\r\nBoth were succeeded by Southerners.\r\nBoth successors were named Johnson.\r\n\r\nAndrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.\r\nLyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.\r\n\r\nJohn Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.\r\nLee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.\r\nBoth assassins were known by their full names.\r\nBoth names comprise fifteen letters.\r\nBooth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.\r\nOswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.\r\nBooth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.\r\n\r\nAnd, the most recent fact noted ...\r\nA week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe Maryland.\r\nA week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17361,
"title": "Who? What? Where? AAAAAAAAAAH!"
},
{
"body": "21st Century...\r\n\r\nOur communication - Wireless\r\n\r\nOur dress - Topless\r\n\r\nOur telephone - Cordless\r\n\r\nOur cooking - Fireless\r\n\r\nOur youth - Jobless\r\n\r\nOur food - Fatless\r\n\r\nOur labour - Effortless\r\n\r\nOur conduct - Worthless\r\n\r\nOur relation - Loveless\r\n\r\nOur attitude - Careless\r\n\r\nOur feelings - Heartless\r\n\r\nOur politics - Shameless\r\n\r\nOur education - Valueless\r\n\r\nOur follies - Countless\r\n\r\nOur arguments - Baseless\r\n\r\nOur boss - Brainless\r\n\r\nOur Job - Thankless\r\n\r\nOur Salary/Allowance - Very less !!!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 17362,
"title": "From My Dad."
},
{
"body": "In a recent review, The Weird Gamers rated popular game,\r\nGrand Theft Auto IV 3.14 out of 10.\r\nThey said it was pirated.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17363,
"title": "Pi-rated"
},
{
"body": "A Chinese family of four was eating fried rice for dinner.\r\nAs always, the half-blind father was last.\r\nThinking that nobody will care if he throws his food out, he does so, as he sees an empty garbage can.\r\nThe next morning his wife says to him:\r\n\"Honey, while you were eating dinner I took the garbage out, and now some ee-diot left crap in the box. Please clean it up\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17364,
"title": "Eat It!"
},
{
"body": "JOHNNY : Hey billy, you like Fishsticks? \r\n\r\nBILLY : Yeah... \r\n\r\nJOHNNY : So, you put Fishsticks in your mouth? \r\n \r\nBILLY : Yeah why? \r\n \r\nJOHNNY : What are you Billy, a gay fish?",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17365,
"title": "Fish"
},
{
"body": "So my friend and I were talking (for real this time) at lunch and he told a joke.\r\n\r\nHim: So this kid found beer under his brother's bed and before he went to school he drank like 5 bottles and was drunk. Then his teacher asked him what 7+7 was and he was like 302 and the teacher said it was right in a slurred voice.\r\n\r\nThen the conversation continues and I tell some of boodler's and Newf's and Drunky's and alex1234's (hey, it's not illegal) and after a while I take a swig of my milk carton, slam it down like a drunk and say 302. My friend was like, \"Huh?\" then breaks out laughing a belly laugh.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 17366,
"title": "A Joke In A Joke?"
},
{
"body": "You know how we earn little icons next to our names for the points we get for being active on Wocka?\r\n\r\nThey should do that on Facebook. Only backwards. The longer you are totally inactive, the higher level symbols you get.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17367,
"title": "Facebook"
},
{
"body": "DMV jokes get old really fast. Unlike the DMV. You have to go through a special line to become old.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 17368,
"title": "DMV 2"
},
{
"body": "This is seriously strange.\r\n\r\nIf you vote, don't vote because it offends you, just view it as sarcastic.\r\n\r\nIf this being sarcastic offends you, view it as serious. I refuse to tell which way I think about it.\r\n\r\nIf a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.\r\n\r\nIf a liberal doesn't like guns, he feels that no one should have one.\r\n\r\nIf a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.\r\n\r\nIf a liberal is, he wants to ban all meat products for everyone.\r\n\r\nIf a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.\r\n\r\nA liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.\r\n\r\nIf a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.\r\n\r\nIf a liberal is homosexual, he loudly demands legislated respect.\r\n\r\nIf a black man or Hispanic is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.\r\n\r\nTheir liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.\r\n\r\nIf a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.\r\n\r\nA liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.\r\n\r\nIf a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.\r\n\r\nLiberals demand that those they don't like be shut down. \r\n\r\nIf a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.\r\n\r\nA liberal non-believer wants any mention of God or religion silenced.\r\n\r\nIf a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.\r\n\r\nA liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17369,
"title": "Conservative Vs. Liberal"
},
{
"body": "Good morning is a contradiction in terms.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17370,
"title": "'Mornin"
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken cross the road?\r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\n \r\nTO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! DUH! Aw c'mon, how many times are you gonna fall for this?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17371,
"title": "DON'T READ THIS IF YOU ARE SCARED OF CHICKENS"
},
{
"body": "What do you call an intelligent man in America?\r\n\r\nA tourist.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17372,
"title": "Intelligence? I Think Not!"
},
{
"body": "A Donkey meets a Buick at the High Road. \r\n\"Hello car\", the Donkey says.\r\n\"Hello donkey\", the Buick replies, when suddenly the Donkey begins to cry.\r\n\"Oh my\" the Buick says. \"Why are you crying\"?\r\n\"Well, when i now call you car, you can at least call me horse.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17373,
"title": "A Donkey And A Buick"
},
{
"body": "How many ADHD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\nIt takes twenty se- hey, this is in the wrong category!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17374,
"title": "Wait, What?"
},
{
"body": "One day little Susie, who is a blond(since this is in the 'blond' category), was at her grandma's house. She had been there for about two days and today grandma isn't feeling very well. The grandma is in bed, coughing and it isn't getting any better. The Grandma tells little Susie to go to the pharmacist and get some syrup for her cough.\r\n\r\nSo little Susie goes to the local pharmacy and she buys the syrup. The clerk tells her to remember to 'SHAKE WELL BEFORE USE'.\r\n\r\nSusie goes back to the house and moments later, the ambulance has arrived and the doctors are trying their best to save poor granny. \r\n\r\nWhen they questioned Susie about what happened, she says \"Well, the clerk at the pharmacy and the instructions on the bottle said 'SHAKE WELL BEFORE USE'\". One doctor said \"So?\". \"Well I shook granny very well and gave her the medicine. Do you think this happened cause I didn't shake her well?\" replies Susie who is now in tears.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17375,
"title": "Shake it Granny"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so stupid, that she made a crack on the sidewalk and tried to smoke it!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17376,
"title": "Crack Pot"
},
{
"body": "If a fly can fly, can an elephant elephant?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17377,
"title": "You'll Never Understand English"
},
{
"body": "I saw yo momma walkin' down the street the other day, with a fat pig under her arm. So, I went up to her and asked, ''Hey, where did you get that?'' and the PIG says ''I won her in a contest!''",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17378,
"title": "Once Again, Yo Momma. . . . ."
},
{
"body": "How Many ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb?\r\n\r\n1:Let's go ride our bikes!\r\n\r\n2:Hey look! A squirrel.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 17379,
"title": "Don't Get Distracted!!!!!"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock?\r\nWho's there?\r\nLittle Boy Blue!\r\nLittle Boy Blue Who?\r\nMichael Jackson!\r\n\r\nIf you don't get it, read the title.\r\nIf you still don't get it, pm me.\r\nIf you STILL DON'T GET IT, you're an asshole",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17380,
"title": "BJ's"
},
{
"body": "One day, I was bored and I felt like going for a ride on my bicycle. I hadn't been used for a while, since I use my car. So, I dusted it off and went off for a 1 hour ride. \r\n\r\nI was going down the street and I'm known for my absent mindedness. I didn't notice this guy was crossing the street and I went and bumped into him. Now, this man was mad cause he was wearing his new white pants and my tire got it all dirty. I got off my bike and he gave me a scolding for 2 minutes until some passersby came to my rescue and calmed him down. \r\n\r\nOne of 'em said \"Hey, calm down buddy. He's just a kid\"(I am 17).\r\nAnd the man says \"A kid?! Look at him! He looks like he can MAKE kids now!\". I was like \"Wha...? Hey, you're lucky I wasn't drivin' my car!\".",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17382,
"title": "W W What?"
},
{
"body": "Jimmy To Billy : You ain't half the man yo momma was. \r\n \r\nBut hey, you ARE half the girl yo papa was.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17383,
"title": "Half and Half"
},
{
"body": "Jimmy: Hey, you momma is so fat, that she fills up Myspace \r\n \r\nBilly: Hey, yo momma IS my space, your space and everybody's space!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17384,
"title": "No Space For Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "These danish chicks flash their hairy armpits, while they catch guys' reaction on candid camera. Scroll in a few minutes - it is hilarious\r\nhttp://www.dr.dk/pirattv/programmer/soestrene-bidsk/soestrene-bidsk-tester-angst-for-haar/",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17385,
"title": "Danish Chicks Flash Their Hairy Armpits"
},
{
"body": "You know what? Everybody is screwed these days.\r\n\r\nIn the office, you're screwed if you don't do you're job well.\r\n\r\nAt home, You're screwed if you don't listen to your parents.\r\n\r\nAt school/college, You're screwed by many- Teachers, bullies, the principal etc...\r\n\r\nAnd they say we're all screwed on December 21st 2012!\r\n\r\nBut, these things don't bother me. The one thing that makes me mad is when I'm looking for a virgin and they're ALL screwed!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17386,
"title": "We're All Screwed"
},
{
"body": "USA:What's wrong world?\r\n\r\nWorld:(crying and sniffling) My kitty died! \r\n\r\nUSA: That's unfortunate. Here's a couple hundred billion dollars my hardworking citizens paid. I was gonna spend it on education and defence and whatnot, but you need it more.\r\n\r\nWorld:(takes the money) Cheapass! (spits in USA's face)",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17389,
"title": "America Is Mean"
},
{
"body": "A man was kneeling by his bed, praying.\r\n\r\nHis wife walks in and asks \"Whatcha doin'?\"\r\nThe man - once finishing - says \"Praying.\"\r\n\r\n\"Whatcha prayin for?\" says the lady. \"Guidance.\"\r\n\r\n\"Don't pray for guidance, pray for stiffness and I'll guide it myself!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17392,
"title": "Directions"
},
{
"body": "Two bulls are in a locker room when one guy notices the other dude has a cork in his ass. He says, \"How'd you get a cork in your ass?\"\r\n\r\nThe other bull says, \"I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'\r\n\r\nAnd I said, 'No bullshit!'\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17394,
"title": "Careful What You Wish For!"
},
{
"body": "INTEROFFICE MEMO\r\n\r\nSubject: Special High Intensity Training\r\n\r\nIn order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.\r\n\r\nIf you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. that you can handle.\r\n\r\nEmployees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEES EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.\r\n\r\nIf you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).\r\n\r\nIf you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).\r\n\r\nThank you,\r\n\r\nBOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.) \r\n\r\n*editors note*\r\nYes, editors, not authors.\r\nI get many jokes-including this one-of other websites.\r\nAlmost everything except stories, the lisp one, and the Chinese people one.\r\nThis might be on here, but I checked in the Wocka search and found nothing.\r\nComment if you find the other one on this website, and support your claim with the I.D. number, cause I don't want bullshit on the forums.\r\nThank you.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 17396,
"title": "Now THATS Shit"
},
{
"body": "Apparently, a Polish driver living in southern Ireland by the name of Prawo Jazdy had racked up dozens of speeding tickets and parking fines - but with a different address on each occasion.\r\n\r\nEventually, the Garda discovered that Prawo Jazdy is Polish for 'driving licence'. . .",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17401,
"title": "Prawo Jazdy"
},
{
"body": "You probably know for a fact that Adolf Hitler had only one testicle.\r\n \r\nAnd here we say ''You got to have balls to become a leader''",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17402,
"title": "What it Takes. . ."
},
{
"body": "An elderly couple was watching the news when the man farts.\r\n\r\nThe man asks\r\n\"Was that me, or you?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17403,
"title": "You Must Know You're Old When...."
},
{
"body": "A boy comes home from school and runs to his father. The boy says ''Dad, a boy in my class calls me a gay'' . ''Oh yeah? Well then beat him up!'' says his dad. The boy replies ''I can't dad!''. ''Why not son?''. The boy looking away says ''Because he's kinda cute''",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17404,
"title": "I Am What I Am"
},
{
"body": "No cure here. . . .",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17411,
"title": "Do You Have A Headache? Seriously?"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma is so old that when she farts, dust comes out!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17412,
"title": "Yo Momma Let One Rip"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat, she's NOT on A Diet. . .she's on two Diets cause one ain't fittin' her well!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17413,
"title": "A Fat Story Of Yo Momma. . ."
},
{
"body": "Moe the midget always gets bullied by Terrance the tall goon. After many months of getting bullied and\r\nbeing made fun of his size, Moe has had it.\r\n\r\nOne day, Moe challenges Terrance saying, \"If you can do everything I can, then I will leave town forever and if you can't, then you will have to leave town and never return.\" Terrance accepts with confidence.\r\n\r\nFor the first round, Moe does 10 back-flips continuously. A crowd watching the whole thing, claps. Unfortunately,\r\nTerrance also does the back-flips and wins the round. \r\n\r\nFor the second round, Moe does a hand stand and walks around for several minutes without losing balance. This round is also won by Terrance.\r\n\r\nFor the final round, Moe ask for Terrance to spread his legs apart while standing. Terrance does so. Moe runs in between Terrance's legs 5 times and says, \"Now YOU do that,\" and Moe spreads his legs apart . . .",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17414,
"title": "The Short Story Of Moe"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma has afros on her nipples",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17415,
"title": "Yo Momma Has Done it Again. . .Classic"
},
{
"body": "What's the integral of 1/cabin? \r\n\r\nA natural log cabin. \r\n\r\nNo, a houseboat \u00e2\u0080\u0093 you forgot to add the c!",
"category": "College",
"id": 17419,
"title": "1/cabin"
},
{
"body": "If only DEAD people understand hexadecimal, how many people understand hexadecimal? \r\n\r\n57005.",
"category": "College",
"id": 17421,
"title": "DEAD People"
},
{
"body": "Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas? \r\n\r\nBecause 31 Oct = 25 Dec.",
"category": "College",
"id": 17422,
"title": "Halloween and Christmas"
},
{
"body": "An analyst, a pure mathematician, and a statistician apply for a job. The interviewer asks each of them the question \"What is 1/3 multiplied by 3?\" The analyst enters it into his calculator and replies that the answer is 0.9999999. The pure mathematician replies that the answer is obviously 1. Then, the statistician asks the interviewer \"What do you want it to be?\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17423,
"title": "1/3 Multiplied By 3"
},
{
"body": "A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space. \"How did you like it?\" the mathematician wants to know after the talk. \"My head's spinning,\" the engineer confesses. \"How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?\" \"Well, it's not even difficult. All I do is visualize the situation in n-dimensional space and then set n = 13.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17424,
"title": "Thirteen-dimensional Space"
},
{
"body": "A mathematician, an engineer and a chemist are at a conference. They are staying in adjoining rooms. One evening they are downstairs in the bar. The mathematician goes to bed first. The chemist goes next, followed a minute or two later by the engineer. The chemist notices that in the corridor outside their rooms a rubbish bin is ablaze. There is a bucket of water nearby. The chemist starts concocting a means of generating carbon dioxide in order to create a makeshift extinguisher but before he can do so the engineer arrives, dumps the water on the fire and puts it out. The next morning the chemist and engineer tell the mathematician about the fire. She admits she saw it. They ask her why she didn't put it out. She replies contemptuously \"there was a fire and a bucket of water: a solution obviously existed.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17426,
"title": "Fire and Water"
},
{
"body": "An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, \"I'll have a pint of lager, please.\" The next one says, \"and I'll have half of what he's having.\" The bartender says, \"You're all idiots,\" and pulls two pints.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 17427,
"title": "Two Pints"
},
{
"body": "An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, \"How odd. Scottish sheep are black.\" \"No, no, no!\" says the physicist. \"Only some Scottish sheep are black.\" The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, \"In Scotland, there is at least one sheep, at least one side of which looks black.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17428,
"title": "One Side Looks Black"
},
{
"body": "Premise I: Knowledge is power. \r\nPremise II: Power corrupts. \r\nConclusion: Therefore, knowledge corrupts.",
"category": "College",
"id": 17430,
"title": "Knowledge Corrupts"
},
{
"body": "What is sin x divided by n?\r\nCanceling the \"n\" yields six.",
"category": "College",
"id": 17433,
"title": "Sin X"
},
{
"body": "A dozen, a gross, and a score \r\nPlus three times the square root of four \r\nDivided by seven \r\nPlus five times eleven \r\nIs nine squared and not a bit more.",
"category": "College",
"id": 17434,
"title": "A Dozen, a Gross, and a Score"
},
{
"body": "If 1/(x-8) approaches \u00e2\u0088\u009e as x approaches 8 from above, then will 1/(x-3) approach \u00cf\u0089 as x approaches 3 from above?",
"category": "College",
"id": 17435,
"title": "Infinity Omega"
},
{
"body": "The below quiz will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers for each question as your answer.\r\n\r\n1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You suddenly realize you don't have any clean socks. You:\r\n\r\na. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two that don't make your eyes water.\r\n\r\nb. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.\r\n\r\nc. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.\r\n\r\nd. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you thought tonight was the big toga party.\r\n\r\n2) In order to afford a decent apartment you'll need to find a roommate. The most important feature in a roommate is:\r\n\r\na. They don't own an accordion.\r\n\r\nb. Their main goal in life isn't to prove heterosexuality is vastly overrated.\r\n\r\nc. When they tell you they love smokin' rock, they are referring to an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.\r\n\r\nd. They don't arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says \"cockroaches are people too.\"\r\n\r\n3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it's two hours before the paper is due and you haven't even written the first line. You:\r\n\r\na. Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.\r\n\r\nb. You write a fantasy paper titled, \"What if Shakespeare was born a pig?\" You rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, \"Piglet.\"\r\n\r\nc. You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole' days when it wasn't considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.\r\n\r\nd. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.\r\n\r\n4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and show what you're made of. Your biggest goal is:\r\n\r\na. To raise your GPA to 1.5.\r\n\r\nb. To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before big tests.\r\n\r\nc. To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn't begin with 1-900.\r\n\r\nd. To prove illiteracy isn't necessarily a drawback.\r\n\r\n5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners. Which of the following is the best way to save money?:\r\n\r\na. Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a catchers mitt and screaming, \"food fight!\"\r\n\r\nb. Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.\r\n\r\nc. Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.\r\n\r\nd. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans. This has the added benefit of insuring you won't have any friends who'll try to talk you into going out on weekends.\r\n\r\n6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it's crucial that, on your college application you don't mention:\r\n\r\na. In high school you were voted \"most likely to become a political prisoner.\"\r\n\r\nb. You haven't tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled your Prozac dosage.\r\n\r\nc. That Animal House is your favorite movie.\r\n\r\nd. Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an A for effort.\r\n\r\n7) It's a generally considered a bad sign if:\r\n\r\na. You're asked to pledge \"Geek.\"\r\n\r\nb. MIT tells you they'll accept you as long as you qualify for their football scholarship.\r\n\r\nc. Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a Second Language.\r\n\r\nd. An aptitude shows you're best qualified to be homeless.\r\n\r\n8) The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:\r\n\r\na. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.\r\n\r\nb. Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.\r\n\r\nc. You have no hope since you've never passed as much as a urine test.\r\n\r\nd. Study hard. (I'm just checking whether you're paying attention.)\r\n\r\n9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams, be sure to impress the interviewer by:\r\n\r\na. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the country.\r\n\r\nb. Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.\r\n\r\nc. Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations and the New World Order, and how you've figured out how to build a powerful bomb out of old newspapers and Hershey's syrup.\r\n\r\nd. Speak in tongues.\r\n\r\n10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations. In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the:\r\n\r\na. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.\r\n\r\nb. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)\r\n\r\nc. Academic Probation Club. (It shows initiative to join before you take your first class.)\r\n\r\nd. All of the below.\r\n\r\nScoring your test:\r\n\r\nFor each A - add 5 points.\r\nFor each B - divide by 1.377 points.\r\nFor each C - multiply by 0 points.\r\nFor each D - subtract 500 points.\r\nFor each F - See an eye doctor.\r\n\r\nIf you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental health practitioner immediately!",
"category": "College",
"id": 17437,
"title": "Ready Yet?"
},
{
"body": "1. Avoid alliteration. Always.\r\n\r\n2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.\r\n\r\n3. Employ the vernacular.\r\n\r\n4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.\r\n\r\n5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.\r\n\r\n6. Remember to never split an infinitive.\r\n\r\n7. Contractions aren't necessary.\r\n\r\n8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.\r\n\r\n9. One should never generalize.\r\n\r\n10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, \"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.\"\r\n\r\n11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.\r\n\r\n12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.\r\n\r\n13. Be more or less specific.\r\n\r\n14. Understatement is always best.\r\n\r\n15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.\r\n\r\n16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.\r\n\r\n17. The passive voice is to be avoided.\r\n\r\n18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.\r\n\r\n19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.\r\n\r\n20. Who needs rhetorical questions?\r\n\r\n21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.\r\n\r\n22. Don't never use a double negation.\r\n\r\n23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point\r\n\r\n24. Do not put statements in the negative form.\r\n\r\n25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.\r\n\r\n26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.\r\n\r\n27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.\r\n\r\n28. A writer must not shift your point of view.\r\n\r\n29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)\r\n\r\n30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!\r\n\r\n31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.\r\n\r\n32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.\r\n\r\n33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.\r\n\r\n34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.\r\n\r\n35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.\r\n\r\n36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.\r\n\r\n37. Always pick on the correct idiom.\r\n\r\n38. The adverb always follows the verb.\r\n\r\n39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.",
"category": "College",
"id": 17438,
"title": "Make Sure To..."
},
{
"body": "Jan 3rd, 1995\r\nI have long heard of the lives of the privileged classes, and now I have prepared myself to experience life as a member. Tomorrow, I will don the the uniform of the academic and re-enter society, NOT as I once was, a worker and pawn of the educated classes, but as a peer of those very people. Tomorrow, I shall become an academic!\r\n\r\nJan 4th, 1995\r\nDressed in a pair of green slacks with shortened legs, red cardigan and egg-yolk-stained tee-shirt; sporting a scraggly beard and armed only with a pipe, I stepped onto the university campus. Immediately upon mumbling some incomprehensible gibberish, I was greeted on with respect and awe by my fellow academia. Applying for tenure was simple. The questions were very direct:\r\n\r\nThey: Do you know what you're doing?\r\nMe: This is Belgium, right?\r\nThey: You have a masters in English?\r\nMe: I have a Red Volvo!\r\nThey: And you're applying for a position in the department of Physics?\r\nMe: I think sometimes, therefore I am illogical!\r\n\r\nI was appointed immediately and released to an unsuspecting student population.\r\n\r\nJan 5th, 1995\r\nToday was my first as a lecturer. I prepared concientiously by drinking heavily, watching lots of television and going to bed very late the preceding night turning up at my lecture the prescribed 1 minute late, I spoke of Yeats and the passion of his poetry. The first year Physics students were left speechless.\r\n\r\nJan 6th, 1995\r\nI did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was Saturday.\r\n\r\nJan 7th, 1995\r\nI did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was a Wednesday.\r\n\r\nJan 8th, 1995\r\nI went to work today and was distressed at the lack of attendance.\r\n\r\nJan 9th, 1995\r\nBeing conscientious in the maintenance of my diary, I take a well deserved holiday knowing that in three more days I will be eligible for a six month sabattical.\r\n\r\nJan 12th, 1995\r\nMy lecture this morning was a landmark effort. I launched into the explanation of the right-hand-rule, then, remembering that I was an academic, subverted myself into discussing of the right-hand-rule of hitch-hiking, the dangers of hitchhiking, the dangers of hitching in South America, my holiday in South America, the woman I met in South America, the place she worked at, their physics department, then to finish off, what their physics department said about the right-hand-rule. I think I was well received.\r\n\r\nJan 13th, 1995\r\nA minor peice of confusion here in that I brought my telephone book instead of my lecture notes. I improvised the basic electrical safety section of the course with the aid of two paper clips, a student and a handy power point. I feel sure the class now appreciates the dangers of electricity. Attendance dropped by one.\r\n\r\nJan 14th, 1995\r\nBeing a Friday, I decide to excite my first year pupils with an experiment in wave theory. I walked into the lab, waved, and left. I'm sure my students appreciated the humourous content.\r\n\r\nJan 16th, 1995\r\nHaving now mastered when weekends occur, I turned up to receive confirmation of my sabattical, taking it, on full pay, immediately.\r\n\r\nJul 17th, 1995\r\nBack from sabattical I realise that I did not make arrangements for a stand-in lecturer. In an attempt to catch up for the lost time, I set the students some homework, pages 1-375, read and do all exercises.\r\n\r\nJul 18th, 1995\r\nAttendance was exceptionally low today with only one student in class. When I asked him how his homework was going as his entire coursework depended on it. He screamed and left. I marked him absent and informed the grants department that no-one was attending my courses.\r\n\r\nJul 21st, 1995\r\nMy students are all back having received the letter informing them that grants are only paid to attending students. Scholarship students, with a far harsher attendance policy, are openly weeping.\r\n\r\nJul 24th, 1995\r\nI am now eligible for three months extra-curricular sabattical, which I decide to take immediately, warning my students that the exam will be held the day I return, covering all aspects of the course, including the last minute addition of the Encyclopedia Brittanica to the Book List. I expect all students to have a copy.\r\n\r\nOct 24th, 1995\r\nExam day.\r\nHaving no preparation time, I use last years exam and substitute different values for the equation. I randomly appoint a student from another class to work out the answers and mark the exams.\r\n\r\nOct 27th, 1995\r\nI receive the results of the exam which indicate that 89% of the class passed the exam. Lauded as an academic genius, I am awarded 6 months further paid sabbatical to study the effects of alcohol on the mind. Starting the third day of term next year. I think I'm on a winner here.",
"category": "College",
"id": 17439,
"title": "Professor's Diary"
},
{
"body": "Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.\r\nTime limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.\r\n\r\nArt: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.\r\n\r\nBiology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System circa 1750. Prove your thesis.\r\n\r\nChemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)\r\n\r\nCivil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.\r\n\r\nComputer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.\r\n\r\nEconomics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.\r\n\r\nElectrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.\r\n\r\nEngineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.\r\n\r\nEpistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.\r\n\r\nGeneral Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.\r\n\r\nHistory: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.\r\n\r\nMathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.\r\n\r\nMedicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.\r\n\r\nMetaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.\r\n\r\nMusic: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.\r\n\r\nPhilosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.\r\n\r\nPhyschology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.\r\n\r\nPhysics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.\r\n\r\nPolitical Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.\r\n\r\nPublic Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.\r\n\r\nReligion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.\r\n\r\nSociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.\r\n\r\nExtra Credit I: Define the universe, and give three examples.\r\n\r\nExtra Credit II: Rewrite the exam on parchment with a quill, and do all practical projects as if you lived in the Middle Ages.",
"category": "College",
"id": 17440,
"title": "Try THIS Exam, People!"
},
{
"body": "Super Agility: \"Oh look, a bullet. Better dodge that!\" *mega-jump!*\r\n\r\nBulletproof: \"Oh look, a bullet. Meh, who cares?\"\r\n\r\nSuper Smart: \"Eureka! A Bullet! It going 60 MPH will hit me in 5 seconds if it contacts, but there is only a 1 in 7 chance it will hit me, the decimal being 0.1428571429 to the tenth pl-OOOFF!\"\r\n\r\nWhich do YOU want?\r\nMe: Super Agility.\r\nComment for your choice, but it doesn't have to be one of these.",
"category": "College",
"id": 17441,
"title": "Comparing Superpowers"
},
{
"body": "An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.\r\n\r\n\"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes,\" said the Navy brat.\r\n\r\n\"My dad has built them.\"\r\n\r\nThen the navy kid spoke: \"And do you know the Dead Sea?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes.\"\r\n\r\n\"It's my dad who's killed it!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17445,
"title": "Your Dad Did WHAT?"
},
{
"body": "The Englishman and the Scotsman both walk into a bar. \r\n\r\nThe Irishman ducks under it.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 17452,
"title": "Ducks Under it"
},
{
"body": "An Englishman, a Scotsman and a rabbi walk into a bar.\r\n\r\nThe rabbi stops and says \"I think I'm in the wrong joke.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 17453,
"title": "Wrong Joke"
},
{
"body": "A Dane, a Norwegian and Snakeyboy made a wager on who could remain inside a goat pen the longest. First out was the Dane, who came out after just 10 minutes yelling \"Damn! The goat stinks!\" After him the Norwegian went in, and after half an hour he came out yelling, \"Damn! The goat stinks!\" Finally Snakeyboy went in. After 2 hours the goat came rushing out yelling \"Damn! Snakeyboy stinks!\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17456,
"title": "Goat Pen"
},
{
"body": "You know you're addicted to wocka when your friends say something funny, and you cry out ''LOL, LOL'' instead of actually laughing out loud.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17457,
"title": "You Know You're Addicted to Wocka When. . . ."
},
{
"body": "U.S. President Calvin Coolidge and his wife allegedly visited a poultry farm. During the tour, Mrs. Coolidge inquired of the farmer how his farm managed to produce so many fertile eggs with such a small number of roosters. The farmer proudly explained that his roosters performed their duty dozens of times each day.\r\n\r\n\"Perhaps you could point that out to Mr. Coolidge,\" pointedly replied the First Lady.\r\n\r\nThe President, overhearing the remark, asked the farmer, \"Does each rooster service the same hen each time?\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" replied the farmer, \"there are many hens for each rooster.\"\r\n\r\n\"Perhaps you could point that out to Mrs. Coolidge,\" replied the President.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17459,
"title": "Coolidge Effect"
},
{
"body": "What a bullfighter tries to do. (avoid-a-bull)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17460,
"title": "Avoidable"
},
{
"body": "too much to pay for corn ([a] buck an ear)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17461,
"title": "Buccaneer"
},
{
"body": "A fashionably dressed big cat (dandy lion)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17462,
"title": "Dandelion"
},
{
"body": "Possessing only ten teeth. (deca-dent)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17463,
"title": "Decadent"
},
{
"body": "Where people wait for buses. (the-bus-station)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17464,
"title": "Devastation"
},
{
"body": "live long (die late)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17465,
"title": "Dilate"
},
{
"body": "Consumption of an expensive meal. (fortune-ate)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17466,
"title": "Fortunate"
},
{
"body": "A flaming elf. (imp-alight)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17467,
"title": "Impolite"
},
{
"body": "where one places dirty dishes (in the sink)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17468,
"title": "Indistinct"
},
{
"body": "Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. \"Bad day at the course?\" his wife asked.\r\n\r\n\"Everything was going fine,\" he said. \"Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, that's awful!\"\r\n\r\n\"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 17469,
"title": "Putt, Drag, Putt, Drag, Putt....."
},
{
"body": "A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, \"Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!\"\r\n\r\nThe golfer, annoyed, says, \"What is it?\"\r\n\r\n\"It's a special golf ball,\" says the salesman. \"You can never lose it!\"\r\n\r\n\"Whattaya mean,\" scoffs the golfer, \"you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?\"\r\n\r\n\"No problem,\" says the salesman. \"It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?\"\r\n\r\n\"Easy,\" says the salesman. \"It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.\"\r\n\r\n\"Okay,\" says the golfer, impressed. \"But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?\"\r\n\r\n\"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!\"\r\n\r\nThe golfer buys it at once. \"Just one question,\" he says to the salesman. \"Where did you get it?\"\r\n\r\n\"I found it.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 17471,
"title": "You Lost It HOW?"
},
{
"body": "The train was about to pull out of the station. A young man ran towards it and managed to throw his bag in and climb aboard just in time. A fellow passenger looked at him and said, \"Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away.\"\r\n\r\nThe young man took a deep breath and said, \"I missed this train at the last station.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17473,
"title": "Catch a Train"
},
{
"body": "How many Wocka users does it take to change a lightbulb?\r\n \r\nA: All of 'em. One to hold the lightbulb and the rest to argue if this is funny or not.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 17474,
"title": "Keep Arguing"
},
{
"body": "Italian suppositories. (in-you-end-os)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17475,
"title": "Innuendoes"
},
{
"body": "Me not on time. (I-(am)-so-late)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17476,
"title": "Isolate"
},
{
"body": "A foot. (leg-end)",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17477,
"title": "Legend"
},
{
"body": "An English tramp. (hobo)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17478,
"title": "Oboe"
},
{
"body": "In favour of youth. (pro-teen)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17480,
"title": "Protein"
},
{
"body": "What trees do in Spring. (re-leaf)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17482,
"title": "Relief"
},
{
"body": "how geese fly (in formation)",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17483,
"title": "Information"
},
{
"body": "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17484,
"title": "Dick Joke"
},
{
"body": "How can you use a banana as a compass? Place a banana on the Berlin Wall. East is where a bite has been taken out of it.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17486,
"title": "Berlin Wall"
},
{
"body": "Two Berlin children spoke to each other over the wall. The little girl in the West says, while eating a banana, \"Look - I have a banana.\"\r\n\r\nThe boy in the East doesn't want to be inferior to her in anything and says, full of pride: \"We have socialism.\" The girl counters: \"So, we'll have socialism soon too.\"\r\n\r\nThe boy, triumphant: \"See, then you won't have any bananas any more either!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17487,
"title": "Socialism"
},
{
"body": "In the GDR, at traffic hubs and in front of supermarkets there are \"banana machines\". You stick a banana in and five Ostmarks come out!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17488,
"title": "Banana Machines"
},
{
"body": "A west-german boy to a ddr-boy: Why is the banana curved? The ossie replies: Why, is this curved? (old Hungarian joke)",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17489,
"title": "Curved"
},
{
"body": "Which three great nations in the world begin with \"U\"? - USA, USSR, and our (German:unsere) GDR (USA, UdSSR, Unsere DDR). (A play on the way official discourse often used the phrase \"our GDR\", and also often exaggerated the GDR's world status.)",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17490,
"title": "Great Nations"
},
{
"body": "The teacher asks in school: \"What is the most important thing in socialism?\" The students consider and little Fritz (Fritzchen) answers: \"The most important thing in socialism is the human!\" The teacher: \"That is a good answer, Fritzchen. I will give you a B-grade.\" Fritzchen is dissatisfied and responds emphatically: \"Would you maybe give me an A if I told you what the human's name was?\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17491,
"title": "Fritzchen"
},
{
"body": "The teacher asks: \"Fritzchen, why are you always speaking of our Soviet brothers? It's 'Soviet friends'.\" Fritz responds: \"Well, you can pick your friends.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17492,
"title": "Fritzchen II"
},
{
"body": "Honecker meets Mao and asks him: \"How many political opponents do you have in China?\" Mao: \"I estimate about 17 million.\" Honecker: \"Oh, that's pretty much the same here.\" (The GDR had 17 million inhabitants)",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17493,
"title": "Honecker"
},
{
"body": "The teacher asks: \"Fritzchen, what is the difference between capitalism and socialism?\" Fritz replies: \"Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Under socialism, it is the other way around.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17494,
"title": "Fritzchen III"
},
{
"body": "\"The fact that the GDR considers itself as one of the 5 technologically most advanced power of the nations may be be given to the fact that there are only 5 fingers on a hand. \" University lecture in Hungary in the 70s",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17496,
"title": "5 Fingers on a Hand"
},
{
"body": "Early in the morning, Honecker arrives at his office and opens his window. He sees the sun and says: \"Good morning, dear Sun!\" \r\nThe sun replies: \"Good morning, dear Erich!\" \r\nHonecker works, and then at noon he heads to the window and says: \"Good day, dear Sun!\" \r\nThe sun replies: \"Good day, dear Erich!\" \r\nIn the evening, Erich calls it a day, and heads once more to the window, and says: \"Good evening, dear Sun!\" \r\nThe sun is silent. \r\nHonecker says again: \"Good evening, dear Sun! What's the matter?\" \r\nThe sun replies: \"Kiss my ass. I'm in the West now.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17497,
"title": "Honecker II"
},
{
"body": "\"What's the difference between Honecker and a telephone? None! Hang up and try again.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17498,
"title": "Honecker III"
},
{
"body": "Honecker and Mielke are discussing their hobbies.\r\nHonecker: \"I collect all the jokes about me that are in circulation.\"\r\nMielke: \"Then we have almost the same hobby. I collect those who bring the jokes into circulation.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17499,
"title": "Honecker IV"
},
{
"body": "How can you tell that the Stasi has bugged your apartment?\r\nThere's a new cabinet in it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17500,
"title": "Stasi"
},
{
"body": "Two Stasi agents are on a surveillance mission and quite bored.\r\nFirst agent: \"Hey, what are you thinking about?\"\r\nSecond agent: \"Oh, nothing special. The same as you...\"\r\nFirst agent: \"In that case, you're under arrest!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17501,
"title": "Stasi II"
},
{
"body": "Guest: \"A cup of coffee, please!\"\r\nWaiter: \"Turkish or filtered?\"\r\nGuest: \"Why, filtered, of course.\"\r\nWaiter: \"Then you'll have to bring your own filter paper for now.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 17502,
"title": "A Cup of Coffee"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between an HO-sausage and Sputnik?\r\nThey've officially confirmed that Sputnik 2 had a dog in it.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17503,
"title": "HO-sausage and Sputnik"
},
{
"body": "What was the most-frequently used word at the German-German border? \"Goose meat\". (G\u00c3\u00a4nsefleisch, sounds like the first three words in Genn' se vleisch mal 'n Gofferraum offmachn? in the Saxon accent, K\u00c3\u00b6nnen Sie vielleicht mal den Kofferraum aufmachen? in standard German, which means Could you please open the trunk? )",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17504,
"title": "Goose Meat"
},
{
"body": "The doorbell rings. The woman goes to the door and shortly comes back startled and turns to her husband, seeking help: \"Dieter! There's a man standing outside who only asks 'Tat\u00c3\u00bc tata'\" (Tat\u00c3\u00bc tata is onomatopoeia for the sound a police car siren makes). Dieter goes to the door and comes back laughing. \"It's my coworker from Saxony, asking \"is do Dieta da?\" (Ist der Dieter da?, \"Is Dieter there?\")",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17505,
"title": "Dieter"
},
{
"body": "A man was fishing. After a while another angler came to join him. \"Have you had any bites?\" asked the second man.\r\n\r\n\"Yes, lots,\" replied the first one, \"but they were all mosquitoes.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17506,
"title": "Have You Caught Any?"
},
{
"body": "How do you double the value of a Trabant? Fill up the tank!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17507,
"title": "Trabant"
},
{
"body": "VEB Sachsenring brought out a new Eco-Trabi: Immediately available for delivery, extremely cheap, extremely quiet, extremely environmentally friendly - with electric power train. Small problem: The extension cord is only 20 meters long and not in stock.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17508,
"title": "VEB Sachsenring"
},
{
"body": "Did you know they have Knight Rider in the GDR? It's a Trabant with a pocket calculator!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17509,
"title": "Trabant II"
},
{
"body": "During a visit to the Leipzig Trade Fair, a filthy rich oil sheik heard that there is a car with a delivery time of over ten years. Since Rolls Royce usually delivers more quickly than that, it must be quite an exceptional car, which he would certainly have to have in his collection. Sight unseen, he made a request to order this Trabant. In Zwickau, they're aware of this great honor, so they immediately change the running Five-Year Plan and bring forward a specimen. In the container, the car reaches the emirate in a handful of weeks. The happy oil sheik immediately called his friends together, opened the container, and exclaimed in surprise: \"Gosh, they have incredibly long delivery times, but at least they send you a cardboard model in advance \u00e2\u0080\u0094 and the best, you can even drive it!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17510,
"title": "Leipzig Trade Fair"
},
{
"body": "A West German businessman is driving a Mercedes through East Germany on a rainy night when his windshield wipers stop working. He takes it to an East German mechanic, who tells him there are no Mercedes windshield wiper motors in the GDR, but he will do his best to fix it. When the businessman returns the next day, to his surprise the windshield wipers are working perfectly. \"How did you find a Mercedes windshield wiper motor in the East?\" he asks the mechanic. \"We didn't,\" replies the mechanic, \"We used the engine motor of a Trabant.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17511,
"title": "Mercedes"
},
{
"body": "Why are there so many bananas in the West? Because the Westerners are descended from apes.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17512,
"title": "Bananas in the West"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a Western necktie and a cow's tail? The cow's tail covers the whole asshole.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17513,
"title": "Cow's Tail"
},
{
"body": "At the peak of the wave of East Germans fleeing through Hungary and Czechoslovakia in 1989, the persons still staying in East Germany (DDR) were called the \"Der Dumme Rest\" (the dumb remains).",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17514,
"title": "Der Dumme Rest"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you cross an Ossi with a Wessi? An arrogant unemployed person.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17515,
"title": "Ossi With a Wessi"
},
{
"body": "Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you? \r\nA: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17516,
"title": "Elephant in the Bathtub"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why do elephants paint their toes yellow? \r\nA: So they can hide upside down in the custard.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17517,
"title": "Paint Toes Yellow"
},
{
"body": "Q: What did the Dallas chief of police say when the elephant walked into the police station? \r\nA: Nothing! He didn't notice.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17518,
"title": "Police Station"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why do elephants have big ears? \r\nA: Because Noddy would not pay the ransom!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17519,
"title": "Big Ears"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? \r\nA: With a blue elephant gun.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17520,
"title": "Blue Elephant"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant? \r\nA: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17521,
"title": "Yellow Elephant"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you shoot a red elephant? \r\nA: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17522,
"title": "Red Elephant"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you shoot a purple elephant? \r\nA: Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17523,
"title": "Purple Elephant"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini? \r\nA: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17524,
"title": "Fit Into a Mini"
},
{
"body": "Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini? \r\nA: None. It's full of elephants.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17525,
"title": "Giraffes Fit Into a Mini"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini? \r\nA: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17526,
"title": "Whales in a Mini"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator? \r\nA: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17528,
"title": "Two Elephants in Your Refrigerator"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator? \r\nA: You can't close the door.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17529,
"title": "Three Elephants in Your Refrigerator"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator? \r\nA: There's an empty Mini parked outside.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17530,
"title": "Four Elephants in Your Refrigerator"
},
{
"body": "What do elephants have that nothing else has? \r\n\r\nBaby elephants!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17531,
"title": "Baby Elephants"
},
{
"body": "Q: What is brown, has four legs, and a trunk? \r\nA: A mouse coming back from vacation.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17533,
"title": "Brown Legs and Trunk"
},
{
"body": "Q: What has eight legs, two trunks, four eyes, and two tails? \r\nA: Two elephants.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17534,
"title": "Eight Legs"
},
{
"body": "Q: Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly? \r\nA: Because if it was small, white and hard it would be an aspirin.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17535,
"title": "Big, Grey and Wrinkly"
},
{
"body": "Why are golf balls small and white?\r\n\r\nBecause if they were big and grey they would be elephants.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17536,
"title": "Small and White"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a plum? \r\nA: Their color.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17537,
"title": "Elephant and Plum"
},
{
"body": "If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my Social Studies class; it would seem so much longer.",
"category": "College",
"id": 17538,
"title": "One Day, Huh?"
},
{
"body": "Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming? \r\nA: Here come the elephants.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17544,
"title": "Elephants Coming"
},
{
"body": "Q: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming? \r\nA: Here come the plums; she was color blind.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17545,
"title": "Elephants Coming II"
},
{
"body": "Q: What is big and grey and comes in quarts? \r\nA: An elephant.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17546,
"title": "Big, Grey, Quarts"
},
{
"body": "Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian, and it is all organized by the Swiss. \r\nHell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, the police German, and it is all organized by the Italians.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17547,
"title": "Heaven and Hell"
},
{
"body": "Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17551,
"title": "Wenn Ist Das..."
},
{
"body": "Would you hit a woman with a baby? No, I'd hit her with a brick.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17553,
"title": "Hit a Woman"
},
{
"body": "What has four legs and ticks?\r\nA walking clock!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17555,
"title": "Four Legs"
},
{
"body": "Q: How do you keep an idiot busy? \r\nA: Have him read this.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17558,
"title": "Keep an Idiot Busy III"
},
{
"body": "If you'd like to know how to keep an idiot busy for hours, go to this page:\r\n\r\nhttp://www.wocka.com/joke.php?id=17559",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17559,
"title": "Keep an Idiot Busy IV"
},
{
"body": "A Scottish Presbyterian is rescued after many years on a desert island. As he stands on the deck of the rescuing vessel, the captain says to him, \"I thought you were stranded alone. How come I can see three huts on the beach?\"\r\n\r\n- \"Well,\" replies the castaway, \"that one there is my house and that one there is where I go to church.\" \r\n- \"And the third one?\" asks the skipper. \r\n- \"Oh, that's my old church.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17562,
"title": "Scottish Presbyterian"
},
{
"body": "Two Rabbis argued late into the night about the existence of God, and, using strong arguments from the scriptures, ended up indisputably disproving His existence. The next day, one Rabbi was surprised to see the other walking into the Shul for morning services.\r\n\r\n\"I thought we had agreed there was no God\", he said.\r\n\r\n\"Yes, what does that have to do with it?\" replied the other.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17563,
"title": "Two Rabbis"
},
{
"body": "The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17564,
"title": "They Mean Business...when it Comes to LIES?"
},
{
"body": "Two Rabbis were discussing their problems with squirrels in their synagogue attic. One Rabbi said they simply called an exterminator and they never saw the squirrels again. The other Rabbi said, \"We just gave them all a bar mitzvah, and never saw the squirrels again.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17565,
"title": "Two Rabbis II"
},
{
"body": "Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on the Sabbath?\r\nA: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. In this case, it is considered that you are not riding, you are wearing the plane.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17566,
"title": "Airplane on the Sabbath"
},
{
"body": "Three hasidim are bragging about their Rebbes: \"My rebbe is very powerful. He was walking once, and there was a big lake in his path. He waved his handkerchief, and there was lake on the right, lake on the left, but no lake in the middle.\" To which the second retorted, \"That's nothing. My rebbe is even more powerful. He was walking once, and there was a huge mountain in his path. He waved his handkerchief, and there was mountain on the right, mountain on the left, but no mountain in the middle!\" Said the third, \"Ha! That is still nothing! My rebbe is the most powerful. He was walking once on Shabbos (Saturday, the holy day in Judaism, on which it is forbidden to handle money), and there was a wallet crammed full of cash in his path. He waved his handkerchief, and it was Shabbos on the right, Shabbos on the left, but not Shabbos in the middle!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17567,
"title": "Three Hasidim"
},
{
"body": "In Chelm, the shammes used to go around waking everyone up for minyan (communal prayer) in the morning. Every time it snowed, the people would complain that, although the snow was beautiful, they could not see it in its pristine state because by the time they got up in the morning, the shammes had already trekked through the snow. The townspeople decided that they had to find a way to be woken up for minyan without having the shammes making tracks in the snow.\r\nThe people of Chelm hit on a solution: they got four volunteers to carry the shammes around on a table when there was fresh snow in the morning. That way, the shammes could make his wake up calls, but he would not leave tracks in the snow.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17568,
"title": "In Chelm"
},
{
"body": "The town of Chelm decided to build a new synagogue. So, some strong, able-bodied men were sent to a mountaintop to gather heavy stones for the foundation. The men put the stones on their shoulders and trudged down the mountain to the town below. When they arrived, the town constable yelled, \"Foolish men! You should have rolled the stones down the mountain!\" The men agreed this was an excellent idea. So they turned around, and with the stones still on their shoulders, trudged back up the mountain, and rolled the stones back down again.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17569,
"title": "The Town of Chelm"
},
{
"body": "The sexton of the synagogue decided to install a poor box so that the fortunate might share their wealth with the needy. On shabbes eve, he announced to the congregation that a new opportunity for mitzvoh was available. \"But,\" one member complained, \"it will be so easy for the goneffs (thieves) to steal from the box.\" The sexton thought long and hard that night, and announced the next day that he had found a solution. Pointing upward, he showed, the poor box was now suspended from a chain at the ceiling, high, high, high overhead. \"But now how do we put money in the box?\"\r\nThe next week, the congregation saw the wonderful solution. A lovely circular stairway now ascended to the poor box making it easy to contribute.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17570,
"title": "The Sexton of the Synagogue"
},
{
"body": "After the assassination of Tsar Alexander II of Russia, a government official in Ukraine menacingly addressed the local rabbi, \"I suppose you know in full detail who was behind it.\"\r\n\r\n\"Ach,\" the rabbi replied, \"I have no idea, but the government's conclusion will be the same as always: they will blame the Jews and the bicyclists.\"\r\n\r\n\"Why the bicyclists?\" asked the befuddled official.\r\n\r\n\"Why the Jews?\" responded the rabbi.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17572,
"title": "Why the Jews?"
},
{
"body": "During the days of oppression and poverty of the Russian shtetls, one village had a rumour going around: a Christian girl was found murdered near their village. Fearing a pogrom, they gathered at the synagogue. Suddenly, the rabbi came running up, and cried, \"Wonderful news! The murdered girl was Jewish!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17573,
"title": "Shtetls"
},
{
"body": "During World War II, a sergeant gets a telephone call from a woman. \"We would love it,\" she said, \"if you could bring five of your soldiers over to our house for Thanksgiving dinner.\"\r\n\"Certainly, ma'am,\" replied the sergeant.\r\n\"Oh... just make sure they aren't Jews, of course,\" said the woman.\r\n\"Will do,\" replied the sergeant. So that Thanksgiving while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five black soldiers are standing in front of her.\r\n\"Oh, my!\" she exclaimed. \"I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake!\"\r\n\"No ma'am,\" said one of the soldiers. \"Sergeant Rosenbloom never makes mistakes!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17574,
"title": "Sergeant Rosenbloom"
},
{
"body": "Post-Soviet Russia. Rabinovich calls the Pamyat headquarters: \"Is it true that we Jews sold out Mother Russia?\" In return he hears an affirmation accompanied by antisemitic slurs. \"Oh good. So where can I get my share?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17575,
"title": "Rabinovich"
},
{
"body": "A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed. On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup \u00e2\u0080\u0094 a miraculous shot.\r\n\r\nThe angel was horrified. \"A hole in one!\" he exclaimed, \"You call this a punishment, Lord?!\"\r\n\r\nAnswered God with a sly smile, \"So who can he tell?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17576,
"title": "Reform Rabbi"
},
{
"body": "An Orthodox, a Conservative, and a Reform rabbi are each asked whether one is supposed to say a brokhe (blessing) over a lobster (non-kosher food, normally not eaten by religious Jews).\r\nThe Orthodox rabbi doesn't know what a \"lobster\" is. The Conservative rabbi doesn't know what to say. The Reform rabbi says, \"What's a brokhe?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17577,
"title": "Orthodox, Conservative and Reform"
},
{
"body": "We were married by a Reform rabbi in Long Island. A very Reform rabbi. A Nazi.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17578,
"title": "Very Reform Rabbi"
},
{
"body": "At an Orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant. At a Conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant. At a Reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant. At a Reconstructionist wedding, the rabbi and her wife are both pregnant.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17579,
"title": "Pregnancy"
},
{
"body": "Rabbi Zwi Chaim Yisroel, an Orthodox scholar of the Torah and a man who developed whining to an art unheard of in the West, was unanimously hailed as the wisest man of the Renaissance by his fellow Hebrews, who totaled a sixteenth of one per cent of the population. Once, while he was on his way to synagogue to celebrate the sacred Jewish holiday commemorating God's reneging on every promise, a woman stopped him and asked the following question: 'Rabbi, why are we not allowed to eat pork?'\r\n'We're not?' the Rev said incredulously. 'Uh-oh.'",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17580,
"title": "Rabbi Zwi Chaim Yisroel"
},
{
"body": "A man is rescued from a desert island after 20 years. The news media, amazed at this feat of survival, ask him to show them his home.\r\n\"How did you survive? How did you keep sane?\" they ask him, as he shows them around the small island.\r\n\"I had my faith. My faith as a Jew kept me strong. Come.\" He leads them to a small glen, where stands an opulent temple, made entirely from palm fronds, coconut shells and woven grass. The news cameras take pictures of everything \u00e2\u0080\u0094 even a torah made from banana leaves and written in octopus ink. \"This took me five years to complete.\"\r\n\"Amazing! And what did you do for the next fifteen years?\"\r\n\"Come with me.\" He leads them around to the far side of the island. There, in a shady grove, is an even more beautiful temple. \"This one took me twelve years to complete!\"\r\n\"But sir\" asks the reporter, \"Why did you build two temples?\"\r\n\"This is the temple I attend. That other place? Hah! I wouldn't set foot in that other temple if you PAID me!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17581,
"title": "Temples"
},
{
"body": "One early winter morning, Rabbi Bloom was walking beside the canal when he saw a dog in the water, trying hard to stay afloat. It looked so sad and exhausted that Rabbi Bloom jumped in, and after a struggle, managed to bring it out alive.\r\nA passer-by who saw this remarked, \"That was very brave of you! You must love animals; are you a vet?\"\r\nRabbi Bloom replied, \"And vhat did you expect? Of course I'm a\u00e2\u0080\u0093vet! I'm a\u00e2\u0080\u0093freezing cold as vell!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17582,
"title": "Rabbi Bloom"
},
{
"body": "An old Jewish beggar was out on the street in New York City with his tin cup.\r\n\"Please, sir,\" he pleaded to a passerby, \"could you spare seventy-three cents for a cup of coffee and some pie?\"\r\nThe man asked, \"Where do you get coffee and pie for seventy-three cents in New York? It costs at least a dollar!\"\r\nThe beggar replied, \"So who buys retail?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17583,
"title": "Old Jewish Beggar"
},
{
"body": "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.\r\n\r\nI believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...\r\n\r\nIf you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.\r\n\r\nRemember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.\r\n\r\nA man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.\r\n\r\nIf I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17588,
"title": "Random Things 1"
},
{
"body": "I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.\r\n\r\nWeird: STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.\r\n\r\nNo one ever says \"It's only a game,\" when THEIR team is winning.\r\n\r\nSince Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?\r\n\r\nIf it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17589,
"title": "Random Things 2"
},
{
"body": "It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.\r\n\r\nMarried people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17590,
"title": "Random Things 3"
},
{
"body": "After performing a marriage the rabbi gave some advice to the newlyweds: \"The first ten years are always the hardest,\" said the rabbi.\r\n\r\n\"How many years have you been married?\" they asked. \"Ten years,\" the rabbi replied.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17595,
"title": "Jewish Girl"
},
{
"body": "Is one Nobel Prize\r\nso much to ask from a child\r\nafter all I've done?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17596,
"title": "Nobel Prize"
},
{
"body": "\"Sarah, how's that boy of yours?\"\r\n\r\n\"David? Ach, don't ask - he's living in Miami with a man named Miguel\"\r\n\r\n\"That's terrible!\"\r\n\r\n\"I know - why couldn't he find a nice Jewish boy?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17597,
"title": "A Nice Jewish Boy"
},
{
"body": "A Frenchman, a German and a Jew walk into a bar. \"I'm tired and thirsty,\" says the Frenchman. \"I must have wine.\" \"I'm tired and thirsty,\" says the German. \"I must have beer.\" \"I'm tired and thirsty,\" says the Jew. \"I must have diabetes.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 17598,
"title": "A Frenchman, a German and a Jew"
},
{
"body": "A Jewish man in a hospital tells the doctor he wants to be transferred to a different hospital.\r\nThe doctor says \"What's wrong? Is it the food?\"\r\n\"No, the food is fine. I can't kvetch.\"\r\n\"Is it the room?\"\r\n\"No, the room is fine. I can't kvetch.\"\r\n\"Is it the staff?\"\r\n\"No, everyone on the staff is fine. I can't kvetch.\"\r\n\"Then why do you want to be transferred?\"\r\n\"I can't kvetch!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17599,
"title": "I Can't Kvetch"
},
{
"body": "An old Jewish man riding on a train begins to moan: \"Oy, am I thirsty; oy, am I thirsty\", to the annoyance of the other passengers. Finally, another passenger gets a cup of water from the drinking fountain and gives it to the old man, who thanks him profusely and gulps it down. Feeling satisfied, the other passenger sits down again, only to hear \"Oy, was I thirsty; oy, was I thirsty\".",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17600,
"title": "Oy, was I Thirsty"
},
{
"body": "A rabbi and a Catholic priest are having lunch in a restaurant. The priest's food arrives, a scrumptious-looking ham entr\u00c3\u00a9e. The priest attacks his lunch, savouring every bite of the ham. Noticing the rabbi eyeing him, he asks, \"So tell me, Rabbi Goldblum, have you ever had any pork before?\"\r\nThe rabbi hesitates. \"Well, it's not for me to say...\"\r\nThe priest pushes on. \"Oh, c'mon, Rabbi. We're both men of God here. We can tell each other our sins. Nothing to it.\"\r\n\"Umm... well, yes, as a matter of fact, I did have pork once.\"\r\nSmugly the priest teases him, \"And a fine meat it was, wasn't it? Heheh.\"\r\n\"Yeah, I'll say.\"\r\nA few moments pass. The rabbi asks the priest: \"Tell me Father, have you ever had sex with a woman before?\"\r\n\"Why of course... well, before I took holy orders, that is.\"\r\nThe rabbi smirks, \"Sure beat the taste of pork, didn't it?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17601,
"title": "Taste of Pork"
},
{
"body": "Have you an unusual Intelligence? Do you find you lose interest in supposedly \"Interesting movies\"? It could be that you're one of the 5% of the population that has the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join M.U.N.S.A. - Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association.\r\n\r\nTry the questionnaire below. The results could surprise you! If you can't even read the question, you're halfway there already - just get someone to fill out our full colour brochure at any trailing chemist, and you'll be in for some, good old fashioned non-challenging material.\r\n\r\n1. Which of the following WAS one of the famous Marx Brothers?\r\n\r\na. STRETCH\r\nb. SKID\r\nc. HARPO\r\nd. TYRE\r\n\r\n2. The number missing from the series (1,2,4,..,16) is:\r\n\r\na. YELLOW\r\nb. GERANIUM\r\nc. 8\r\nd. TYRE\r\n\r\n3. The letter missing from the series (a,b,c,..,e) is:\r\n\r\na. z\r\nb. b\r\nc. d\r\nd. TYRE\r\n\r\n4. A man walks into a Barber Shop, with $5.00. He buys 2 lemons at 45c each, 1 Pickled Eel for $2.40, 4 packets of washing powder for $3.15 each. What will happen?\r\n\r\na. The Barber will wonder where all the stuffs coming from\r\nb. He wasn't in a Barber's shop, it was a Dairy\r\nc. The Barber will ask him if he's from M.U.N.S.A.\r\nd. Tyre\r\n\r\n5. Two trains leave the same station, but moving in opposite directions. The first train is travelling at 50km/hr EAST, while the second one is travelling 50km/hr WEST. Which train is travelling the fastest?\r\n\r\na. The one going EAST\r\nb. The one going WEST\r\nc. Neither\r\nd. Tyre\r\ne. Why aren't there (e.)'s in all the other questions\r\n\r\n6. What comes next in the series (RED, GREEN)\r\n\r\na. A car\r\nb. Orange\r\nc. Insufficient Data\r\nd. Tyre\r\n\r\n7. Mona Lisa was:\r\n\r\na. A dissatisfied Woman\r\nb. A Song by Billy Idol\r\nc. A painting\r\nd. Tyre\r\n\r\n8. The cold war was about:\r\n\r\na. Ice\r\nb. Autumn\r\nc. A few people at the top not liking each other\r\nd. Tyre\r\n\r\n9. Complete the following Sequence: (Tyre Tyre Tyre)\r\n\r\na. Tyre\r\nb. Tyre\r\nc. Tyre\r\nd. Pardon?\r\n\r\nOk, time to total up all your marks. Those of you who haven't mastered addition yet, go straight on to the application; you're the sort of person we're looking for. If not, Give yourself 5 points for every D, -5 for every C, (+10 if you can't add negative numbers yet), 0 for every B and 0 for every A you ticked. How did you do?\r\n\r\n90 to 50: OK! You're the sort of person we're looking for. Add 10 points to your score if you haven't got the hang of using anything but crayons yet.\r\n\r\n50 to -20: Who's been doing late night studying then? Sorry, you're just a run of the mill idiot - push off.\r\n\r\n-20 to -90: A computer geek I bet. Go join some place where they talk big numbers and floppy disks!\r\n\r\nIs 85 between 90 and 50? Alright! Go to the bottom of the class! You're a leading light in our Association; get someone to fill the form in for you and welcome aboard!\r\n\r\nWhat will MUNSA do for you?\r\n\r\nMUNSA is a group of people just like yourself, and as such will have much the same interests. We'll meet once a month to watch American Game Shows (Except for our \"advanced\" class which will be watching the Australian Imitations), Television Dating Games, and listening to Public readings of Romance Novels. Also at the meetings, you'll have the opportunity to buy:\r\n\r\n* Swamp land at ridiculously inflated prices\r\n\r\n* Genuine Japanese imports with UNTAMPERED ODOMETERS (with scratches on it)\r\n\r\n* Slice/Dice/Mince/Stack shelf-mount food mungers from C-Tel\r\n\r\n* \"Safe\" relocatable houses from Chernobyl and many many more things, as yet not exploited.\r\n\r\nAs a special initial offer, you will be given a free Brain Warning device which rings an alarm if your IQ gets above 25, in time for you to go back to your local for a couple of jugs of your favourite Weasels.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17602,
"title": "M.U.N.S.A. Application Form"
},
{
"body": "A rabbi once asked his old friend, a priest, \"Could you ever be promoted within your Church?\"\r\nThe priest says, thoughtfully, \"Well, I could become a bishop.\"\r\nThe rabbi persists, \"And after that?\"\r\nWith a pause for consideration, the priest replies, \"Maybe I could be a cardinal, even.\"\r\n\"And then?\"\r\nAfter thinking for some time, the priest responds, \"Someday I may even rise to be the Pope.\"\r\nBut the rabbi is still not satisfied. \"And then?\"\r\nWith an air of incredulity, the priest cries, \"What more could I become? God Himself?\"\r\nThe rabbi says quietly, \"One of our boys made it.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17604,
"title": "Our Boys Made it"
},
{
"body": "A rabbi is on his deathbed, and a friend asks him if he has any last requests. The Rabbi asks his friend to find him a Catholic priest, so that he might convert. Confused, his friend asks, \"Rabbi, why? You have been a great teacher and leader of your followers, and you have led a good and honorable Jewish life. Why would you want to become a Catholic now, before you die?\"\r\nHe says, \"Eh, better one of them than one of us.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17605,
"title": "Rabbi on Deathbed"
},
{
"body": "A minister told his friend Rabbi Goldman, \"Last night, I dreamed of the Jewish Heaven. It was a slum, and it was overflowing with people \u00e2\u0080\u0094 running, playing, talking, sitting \u00e2\u0080\u0094 doing all sorts of things. But the dream, and the noise, was so terrific that I woke up.\"\r\nThe rabbi said, \"Really? Last night, I dreamed of the Protestant Heaven. It was a nice, proper suburb, with neatly trimmed lawns, and houses all neatly lined up.\"\r\n\"And how did the people behave?\" asked the minister.\r\n\"What people?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17606,
"title": "Jewish Heaven"
},
{
"body": "Q: Rabinovich, what is a fortune?\r\nA: A fortune is to live in our Socialist motherland.\r\nQ: And what's a misfortune?\r\nA: A misfortune is to have such a fortune.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17610,
"title": "Fortune and Misfortune"
},
{
"body": "An old Armenian is on his deathbed: \"My children, remember to defend the Jews.\"\r\n\"Why Jews?\"\r\n\"Because if they are gone, we will be next.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17611,
"title": "Defend the Jews"
},
{
"body": "An old Jewish man is picked up by the Stalinist police and brought in for questioning:\r\n\r\nWhere were you born?!\r\n\r\nSt. Petersburg.\r\n\r\nWhere do you live?!\r\n\r\nLeningrad.\r\n\r\n(menacingly) Where would you like to die?!\r\n\r\nSt. Petersburg.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17612,
"title": "St. Petersburg."
},
{
"body": "Q: Comrade Lev, why now, just when things are getting better for your people, are you applying for an exit visa to make aliyah to Israel?\r\nA: Well, comrade, there are two reasons. One is that my next-door neighbor is Pamyat and he tells me that after they get rid of you communists, they are coming next after the Jews.\r\nQ: But they will never get rid of us communists!\r\nA: I know, I know, of course you are right! And that's the other reason.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17613,
"title": "Comrade Lev"
},
{
"body": "An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.\r\n\r\nCustoms: What is that?\r\n\r\nOld man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say \"What is that?\" say \"Who is that?\" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!\r\n\r\nThe official laughed and let the old man through.\r\n\r\nThe old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.\r\n\r\nCustoms: What is that?\r\n\r\nOld man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say \"What is that?\" say \"Who is that?\" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home.\r\n\r\nThe official laughed and let him through.\r\n\r\nWhen he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.\r\n\r\nGrandson: Who is that?\r\n\r\nOld man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say \"Who is that?\" say \"What is that?\" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17614,
"title": "What is That? Who is That?"
},
{
"body": "An elderly man refuses to leave for the air raid shelter until he can find his dentures. His wife yells at him, \"What, you think they are dropping sandwiches?\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17615,
"title": "Dropping Sandwiches"
},
{
"body": "Knock, knock!\r\nWho's there?\r\nDelores.\r\nDelores who?\r\nDelores my shepherd...",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17620,
"title": "Delores"
},
{
"body": "Toc Toc!\r\nQui est l\u00c3\u00a0?\r\nSheila.\r\nSheila qui?\r\nSheila lutte finale...",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17621,
"title": "Sheila"
},
{
"body": "Knock, knock, knock! Who's there, i' th' name of Beelzebub? Here's a farmer that hanged himself on the expectation of plenty. Come in time, have napkins enough about you, here you'll sweat for 't.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17622,
"title": "Beelzebub"
},
{
"body": "Knock, knock! Who's there, in th' other devil's name? Faith, here's an equivocator that could swear in both the scales against either scale, who committed treason enough for God's sake, yet could not equivocate to heaven. O, come in, equivocator.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17623,
"title": "Equivocator"
},
{
"body": "The economy is so bad. . .\r\nif the bank returns your check marked ''Insufficient Funds,'' you call them and ask if they meant you or them.\r\nThe economy is so bad. . .\r\na truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17624,
"title": "Today's Economy"
},
{
"body": "I saw a girl the other day. I didn't like her because she was a butter face. You know 'butter face' - she has a hot body, but her face . . .",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17625,
"title": "But . . ."
},
{
"body": "Knock, knock, knock! Who's there? Faith, here's an English tailor come hither for stealing out of a French hose. Come in, tailor. Here you may roast your gooses.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17626,
"title": "Roast Your Gooses"
},
{
"body": "Knock, knock!\r\nWho's there?\r\nSobers.\r\nSobers who?\r\nSau baras se khatkhata rahen hain, Ab to darwazaa kholo.",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17627,
"title": "Sobers"
},
{
"body": "Q. How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb? \r\nA. You send us the prize money and we'll tell you the answer.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 17629,
"title": "Iranians"
},
{
"body": "An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says \"What is this - some kind of joke?\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 17632,
"title": "Some Kind of Joke"
},
{
"body": "Three blind mice walk into a bar, but they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 17638,
"title": "Three Blind Mice"
},
{
"body": "A performative poet of Hibernia\r\nRhymed himself into a hernia\r\nHe became quite adept\r\nAt this practise, except\r\nFor the occasional non-sequitur.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17639,
"title": "Non-sequitur"
},
{
"body": "I've often started off with a lawyer joke, a complete caricature of a lawyer who's been nasty, greedy and unethical. But I've stopped that practice. I gradually realised that the lawyers in the audience didn't think the jokes were funny and the non-lawyers didn't know they were jokes.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 17640,
"title": "Lawyer Joke"
},
{
"body": "Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17641,
"title": "Humor Can be Dissected"
},
{
"body": "\"Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 17642,
"title": "Different Nationalities"
},
{
"body": "This is by me, the asshole who dupes himeself.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17643,
"title": "The Asshole"
},
{
"body": "How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?\r\nA finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 17644,
"title": "Perform a Specified Task"
},
{
"body": "There once was an X from place B, \r\nThat satisfied predicate P, \r\nHe or she did thing A, \r\nIn an adjective way, \r\nResulting in circumstance C.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17645,
"title": "An X From Place B"
},
{
"body": "The molbos have a long way to the forest so they must rise early to collect wood. One morning some of them drove to the forest to bring home a tree they had bought. But on the way the one who drove first happened to lose his axe, and when the others saw that, they thought he threw it away on purpose, so they threw away their axes as well. Now, as they stood in the forest, they had nothing with which to chop, they didn't know what to do at all, and they certainly didn't want to come home empty-handed. Finally one of them had the brilliant idea to pull the tree down; but as they hadn't brought a rope, one of them had to climb the tree and lay his head in the cleavage between two branches then the others were to pull his legs until the tree yielded. Very well, they pulled and they pulled, and eventually they all fell backwards, including the chap they had been pulling, only he had no head. This they couldn't fathom, they went searching and searching, but no, they didn't find the head, because it was stuck in the tree. Well, that couldn't be helped, now it was time to return home. And so they laid the headless man in the wagon and took him home to his wife and asked if she was sure that her husband had brought his head when he left home this morning. \"I can't remember that right now!\", said the wife; but then she thought for a while: \"Oh yes, he did bring his head!\" she said. \"He ate cabbage with it this morning before he left.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17647,
"title": "Molbos"
},
{
"body": "Ole goes out one day to use the outhouse, and he finds Sven there. Sven has his wallet out, and he's throwing money down into the hole of the outhouse. Ole asks, \"Uff da! Sven, watcha doin' there, fella? You're throwing the five dollar bill and the ten dollar bill down into the hole of the outhouse! Whatcha doin' that for?\" \r\nSven answers, \"Well, when I pulled up my trousers I dropped a nickel down there\u00e2\u0080\u0094and I'm not going down into that mess for just a nickel!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17653,
"title": "Outhouse"
},
{
"body": "\"Big foot is blurry... that's the problem!\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17656,
"title": "Big Foot is Blurry"
},
{
"body": "\"It would be funny if, while performing an abortion, someone yelled 'abort! abort!'\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17657,
"title": "Abortion"
},
{
"body": "I have nothing to declare except my genius.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17658,
"title": "Genius"
},
{
"body": "Race is just a pigment of the imagination.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17659,
"title": "Pigment"
},
{
"body": "If all those sweet young things were laid end to end \u00e2\u0080\u0093 I wouldn't be a bit surprised.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17660,
"title": "End to End"
},
{
"body": "Take my wife \u00e2\u0080\u0093 please!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17662,
"title": "Take My Wife"
},
{
"body": "If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17664,
"title": "Pickpockets"
},
{
"body": "Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17665,
"title": "Bit of a Blur"
},
{
"body": "I have a map of the world... its actual size.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17667,
"title": "Map of the World"
},
{
"body": "The Armenian Radio was asked: \"Is it possible to enjoy life to the fullest in the Soviet Union?\" \r\nThe Armenian Radio answers: \"Yes, if you like crowded trains.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17668,
"title": "Enjoy Life to the Fullest"
},
{
"body": "The Armenian Radio was asked: \"Is it good to have sex with an open window?\" \r\nThe Armenian Radio answers: \"Yes, but with a woman it is better.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17669,
"title": "Open Window"
},
{
"body": "The Armenian Radio was asked: \"Is it true that in Moscow, Mercedes cars are being given to citizens?\" \r\nThe Armenian Radio answers: \"Yes, but it is not Moscow but Leningrad, not Mercedes but Ladas, and not given to but stolen from.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17670,
"title": "Mercedes in Moscow"
},
{
"body": "The Armenian Radio was asked: \"Is it true that comrade cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin's car was stolen in Moscow during the celebrations?\" \r\nThe Armenian Radio answers: \"In principle yes, but it was not in Moscow, rather in Kiev, and it was not his car, but his bike and it was not comrade cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin, but comrade highschool teacher Gagarin and his first name was not Yuri, but Leonid...\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17671,
"title": "Yuri Gagarin"
},
{
"body": "Some provincial man has come to Rome, and walking on the streets was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: \r\n-Tell me, young man, did your mother come to Rome anytime? \r\nThe reply was: \r\n-She never has. But my father frequently was here.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17672,
"title": "Come to Rome"
},
{
"body": "A man, standing before a censor, is about to testify, whether he has a wife. The censor asks: \r\n-Do you have, in all your honesty, a wife? \r\n-I surely do, but not in all my honesty.",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17673,
"title": "All the Honesty"
},
{
"body": "A runner going to participate in the Olympic games had a dream, that he was driving a quadriga. Early in the morning he goes to a fortune-teller for explanation of the dream. The reply is: \r\n-You will win, that meant the speed and the strength of the horses. \r\nBut, to be sure about this, the runner visits another fortune-teller. This one replies: \r\n-You will lose. Don't you understand, that four ones came before you?",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 17674,
"title": "Olympic Games"
},
{
"body": "Russian company: You have two cows. You drink some vodka and count them again. You have five cows. The Russian Mafia shows up and takes however many cows you have.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17676,
"title": "Russian Cows"
},
{
"body": "In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:\r\n\r\nExposure\r\n\r\nA Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised \"creaminess\"\r\n\r\nRadiation\r\n\r\nA Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife. Extreme Force\r\n\r\nA Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected \"splatter\" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.\r\n\r\nExtreme Cold\r\n\r\nA Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably \"slowed\". The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the freezer odors.\r\n\r\nExtreme Heat\r\n\r\nA Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its \"cream holes\" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however produce the same \"burning rubber\" aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment.\r\n\r\nImmersion\r\n\r\nA Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan - in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the \"cream holes\". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.\r\n\r\nSummary of Results\r\n\r\nThe Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the \"creamy filling\" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as \"food\". Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.\r\n\r\nReprinted from SPY Magazine, July 1",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 17677,
"title": "Twinkies: Food or Not!"
},
{
"body": "MONDAY:\r\n\r\nBREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth\r\n\r\nLUNCH - Send your secretary out for six \"Jr burgers\". Y'know those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents? Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of juice.\r\n\r\nAFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the juice.\r\n\r\nDINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.\r\n\r\nTUESDAY:\r\n\r\nBREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw\r\n\r\nLUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.\r\n\r\nDINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.\r\n\r\nWEDNESDAY:\r\n\r\nBREAKFAST - Jaws couldn't eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho's\r\n\r\nLUNCH - Rolaids and a coke\r\n\r\nDINNER - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps\r\n\r\nTHURSDAY:\r\n\r\nBREAKFAST - Order out for pizza\r\n\r\nLUNCH - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays Jr Burger sack for leftovers.\r\n\r\nDINNER - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.\r\n\r\nFRIDAY:\r\n\r\nBREAKFAST - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.\r\n\r\nLUNCH - Skip lunch, Fridays are murder\r\n\r\nDINNER - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.\r\n\r\nSATURDAY:\r\n\r\nBREAKFAST - Sleep through it.\r\n\r\nLUNCH - Ditto\r\n\r\nDINNER - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don't eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.\r\n\r\nSUNDAY:\r\n\r\nBREAKFAST - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.\r\n\r\nLUNCH - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don't eat Lunch.\r\n\r\nDINNER - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17678,
"title": "All That We Get To Eat Is..."
},
{
"body": "A man goes into his doctor's office to learn the results of some tests and immediately the doctor greets him by saying \"Well Sam, I have good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?\"\r\n\r\nSam decides on the bad news first and his doctor tells him \"Sam, I'm very sorry but you have pancreatic cancer. It's inoperable and you will die within the next 2 months\"\r\n\r\n\"That's absolutely horrible! What could possibly be the good news?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well you see that beautiful receptionist out there?\"\r\n\r\n\"Yeah?\"\r\n\r\n\"I'm screwing her!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 17681,
"title": "Good News and Bad News"
},
{
"body": "Dad to his family: The phone bill is exceptionally high. You have to limit its use. I don't use this telephone. I use the one a the office.\r\n\r\nMum: Same here, I hardly use this phone as I use my work telephone.\r\n\r\nSon: Me too, I never use the home telephone. I always use my company mobile.\r\n\r\nMaid: So what's the problem? We all use our work telephones!",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 17682,
"title": "Telephone Bill"
},
{
"body": "You have a million cows. Most of them are illegals.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17683,
"title": "Californian Cows"
},
{
"body": "Why does a chicken cross the street?\r\nBecause it wants to get on the other side!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17684,
"title": "Why Does a Chicken Cross the Street?"
},
{
"body": "Why should not a chicken cross the road? \r\nIt would be a fowl proceeding.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17685,
"title": "Why Should Not a Chicken Cross the Road?"
},
{
"body": "Why does a duck cross the street?\r\nBecause it was the chicken's and turkey's day off.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17687,
"title": "Why Does a Duck Cross the Street?"
},
{
"body": "Why did the dinosaur cross the road?\r\nBecause chickens weren't invented yet.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17688,
"title": "Why Did the Dinosaur Cross the Road?"
},
{
"body": "Why didn't the duck cross the road?\r\nTo prove he's no chicken.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17689,
"title": "Why Didn't the Duck Cross the Road?"
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?\r\nTo \"lay it on the line\".",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17691,
"title": "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Halfway?"
},
{
"body": "What you humans call 'THE APOCALYPSE', I used to call Sunday Dinner! \r\n \r\n- Archangel, Gabriel",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17693,
"title": "Stupidest One Liner- By Archangel, Gabriel"
},
{
"body": "Music Teacher: Anyone has a suggestion to which song we should play next?\r\n\r\nJohnny: How 'bout we sing 'The Teacher is A Big Fat Bitch. . .in C-Minor?'",
"category": "College",
"id": 17694,
"title": "Johnny's in Trouble. . .again!"
},
{
"body": "If your father is a poor man, it's your fate. But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17695,
"title": "Wise Advice"
},
{
"body": "Hw does Battery reproduce?\r\nBi pluging it into Boodler's Giant ass!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17696,
"title": "BATTERY RECHARGE? I THINK NOT."
},
{
"body": "Why did the chewing gum cross the road?\r\nBecause it was stuck to the chicken's feet.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17697,
"title": "Why Did the Chewing Gum Cross the Road?"
},
{
"body": "Why did the duck cross the road?\r\nBecause the chicken was on holiday.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17698,
"title": "Why Did the Duck Cross the Road?"
},
{
"body": "Why didn't the chicken cross the road?\r\nBecause he's \"chicken\".",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17701,
"title": "Why Didn't the Chicken Cross the Road?"
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between a chicken?\r\nNeither can ride a bicycle.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17703,
"title": "What is the Difference Between a Chicken?"
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken cross the road?\r\nBecause it had no frontal lobe.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17704,
"title": "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?"
},
{
"body": "If rock is wet, it is raining. \r\nIf rock is green, it rained a while ago. \r\nIf rock is white, it is snowing. \r\nIf rock is shaking, there is an earthquake. \r\nIf rock is dry, the weather is fair. \r\nIf rock is swinging, it's windy. \r\nIf rock is warm, the sun is out. \r\nIf rock is not visible, it's dark outside. \r\nIf rock is under water, there is a flood. \r\nIf rock is gone, there is a tornado (Run!!)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17705,
"title": "Weather Rock"
},
{
"body": "A heavy-set woman goes into a drug store and asks for talcum powder. The bowlegged clerk says, \"Walk this way,\" and the woman answers, \"If I could walk that way I would not need talcum powder!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17706,
"title": "Walk This Way"
},
{
"body": "How does boodler reproduce?\r\n \r\nBy Fucking Battery's fat-Shit-and-cum filled ass",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 17707,
"title": "Boodler's Boob Job"
},
{
"body": "Battery Fucked Boodler's ass hard and soft yesterday! Maybe zat explains z growth in z population recently!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 17708,
"title": "Battery XXX Boodler"
},
{
"body": "boodler---> kind of sounds like Boob blur! and zats why battery fucks boobler 69 times a day.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 17709,
"title": "Who Has Blurry Boobs?"
},
{
"body": "\"Pass me the shellfish,\" said Tom crabbily. \r\n\"That's the last time I'll stick my arm in a lion's mouth,\" the lion-tamer said off-handedly. \r\n\"Can I go looking for the Grail again?\" Tom requested. \r\n\"I unclogged the drain with a vacuum cleaner,\" Tom said succinctly. \r\n\"I might as well be dead,\" Tom croaked. \r\n\"We just struck oil!\" Tom gushed. \r\n\"They had to amputate them both at the ankles,\" Tom said defeatedly. \r\n\"Who discovered radium?\" asked Marie curiously. \r\n\"Hurry up and get to the back of the ship,\" Tom said sternly.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17710,
"title": "Tom Swifty"
},
{
"body": "\"Oh, I'm not a professor,\" he said quickly. \"I'm a professional balloonist, parachute jumper. Give exhibitions at county fairs. Leap for life, and all that sort of thing. I guess you mean my friend. He's smart enough for a professor. Invented a lot of things. How much is the damage?\" \r\n\"No professor?\" cried Miss Perkman indignantly. \"Why I understood from Miss Nestor that she called some one professor.\" \r\n\"I was referring to my friend, Mr. Swift,\" said Mary. \"His father's a professor, anyhow, isn't he, Tom? I mean Mr. Swift!\" \r\n\"I believe he has a degree, but he never uses it,\" was the lad's answer. \r\n\"Ha! Then I have been deceived! There is no professor present!\" and the old maid drew herself up as though desirous of punishing some one. \"Young ladies, for the last time, I order you to your rooms,\" and, with a dramatic gesture she pointed to the scuttle through which the procession had come. \r\n\"Say something, Tom \u00e2\u0080\u0094 I mean Mr. Swift,\" appealed Mary Nestor, in a whisper, to our hero. \"Can't you give some sort of a lecture? The girls are just crazy to hear about the airship, and this ogress won't let us. Say something!\" \r\n\"I \u00e2\u0080\u0094 I don't know what to say,\" stammered Tom.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17711,
"title": "Tom Swift and His Airship"
},
{
"body": "A Scottish highlander is asked what his three wishes would be. He first wishes for a lake full of whisky. His second wish is for a similar quantity of good food. When asked for his third wish, after a moment of indecision, he asks for a second lake full of whisky.[2]",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17714,
"title": "Full of Whisky"
},
{
"body": "The confused protagonist suddenly finding himself in the presence of the genie, who informs him that he has one wish left; he has just used the second wish to completely undo the effect of the first, including his own memory of making it. Undaunted, the protagonist makes his third wish, only to have the genie comment wryly (just before disappearing) that he wished for the same thing the first time.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17715,
"title": "Still Another Variation Has..."
},
{
"body": "Milk production at a dairy farm was low so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking help from academia. A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the farmer received the write-up, and opened it to read on the first line: \"Consider a spherical cow in vacuum. . . .\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17716,
"title": "Spherical Cow"
},
{
"body": "When I saw that item, I said to my wife, \"I don't think spaghetti grows on trees\", so we'd looked it up in Encyclop\u00c3\u00a6dia Britannica. Do you know, Miall, Encyclop\u00c3\u00a6dia Britannica doesn't even mention spaghetti.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17717,
"title": "Spaghetti Tree"
},
{
"body": "In America, you can always find a party. \r\nIn Russia, the Party finds you. \r\n\r\nIn America, you listen to man on radio.\r\nIn Soviet Russia, man on radio listen to you.\r\n\r\nIn America, you watch television.\r\nIn Soviet Russia, television watches you.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17718,
"title": "Russian Reversal"
},
{
"body": "A man was reported to have said: \"Nikolay is a moron!\" and was arrested by the policeman. \"No, sir, I meant not our respected Emperor, but another Nikolay!\" - \"Don't try to trick me: if you say \"moron\", you obviously refer to our tsar\".",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17719,
"title": "Nikolay is a Moron"
},
{
"body": "An American, a Russian, and an African were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. He said, \"We're right over my homeland.\"\r\n\r\n\"How can you tell?\" asked the American.\r\n\r\n\"I can feel the cold air,\" he replied.\r\n\r\nA few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. \"We're right over my homeland,\" he said.\r\n\r\n\"How do you know that?\" asked the Russian. \"I can feel the heat of the desert.\"\r\n\r\nSeveral more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. \"Aah! We're right over New York.\"\r\n\r\nThe Russian and the African were amazed. \"How do you know that?\" they exclaimed.\r\n\r\nThe American pulled his hand up. \"My watch is missing.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17724,
"title": "WAY Too Much Crime."
},
{
"body": "You've probably heard: If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards. \r\n\r\n\r\nNew Version: If at first you get hit below the belt, lower your belt!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17725,
"title": "Lower and Slower"
},
{
"body": "A respected merchant Sevenassov wants to change his surname and asks the Tsar for permission. The Emperor writes his resolution: \"Allowed to deduct two asses down\".",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17726,
"title": "Sevenassov"
},
{
"body": "A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. \"I just heard the funniest joke in the world!\" \"Well, go ahead, tell me!\" says the other judge. \"I can't - I just gave a guy ten years for it!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17727,
"title": "Ten Years For it"
},
{
"body": "Midnight Petrograd... A night watch spots a shadow trying to sneak by. \"Stop! Who goes there? Documents!\" The frightened person chaotically shuffles through his pockets and drops a paper. A soldier picks it up and reads slowly, with difficulty: \"U.ri.ne A.na.ly.sis\"... \"Hmm... a foreigner, sounds like...\" \"A spy, looks like.... Let's shoot him on the spot!\" Then reads further: \"'Proteins: none, Sugars: none, Fats: none...' You are free to go, proletarian comrade! Long live the World revolution!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17728,
"title": "World Revolution"
},
{
"body": "The principle of socialist economy of the period of transition to communism: the authorities pretend they are paying wages, workers pretend they are working. Alternately, \"So long as the bosses pretend to pay us, we will pretend to work.\" This joke persisted essentially unchanged through the 1980s.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17729,
"title": "Socialist Economy"
},
{
"body": "Lenin died, but his cause lives on!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17730,
"title": "Lenin Died..."
},
{
"body": "Rabinovich notes: \"I would prefer it the other way round.\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17731,
"title": "Rabinovich Notes"
},
{
"body": "What a coincidence: \"Brezhnev died, but his body lives on.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17732,
"title": "What a Coincidence"
},
{
"body": "Lenin coined a slogan on how to achieve the state of communism through rule by the Communist Party and modernization of the Russian industry and agriculture: \"Communism is Soviet power plus electrification of the whole country!\" The slogan was subject to popular mathematical scrutiny: \"Consequently, Soviet power is communism minus electrification, and electrification is communism minus Soviet power.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17733,
"title": "Communism"
},
{
"body": "The winter's passed, \r\nThe summer's here. \r\nFor this we thank \r\nOur party dear!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17734,
"title": "Chastushka"
},
{
"body": "One old bolshevik says to another: \"No my friend, we will not live long enough to see communism, but our children... poor children.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17735,
"title": "Bolshevik"
},
{
"body": "Will there be KGB in communism? \r\n\r\nAs you know, in communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to arrest themselves.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17736,
"title": "KGB in Communism"
},
{
"body": "-How do you deal with mice in the Kremlin? \r\n-Put up a sign saying \"collective farm\". Then half the mice will starve and the others will run away.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17737,
"title": "Mice in the Kremlin"
},
{
"body": "Abramovich was sentenced to 5 years, served 10, then fortunately was paroled before he served the rest of his sentence.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17738,
"title": "Abramovich"
},
{
"body": "Three men sit in a jail in (KGB headquarters) Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, and he says, \"Because I criticized Karl Radek.\" The first man responds, \"But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Radek!\" They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail too. He responds, \"I'm Karl Radek.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17739,
"title": "Dzerzhinsky Square"
},
{
"body": "Armenian Radio was asked: \"Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?\" Armenian Radio answers: \"It is true. Five years ago a listener of ours raised the same question and was sent to one, reportedly to investigate the issue. He hasn't returned yet; we are told he liked it there.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17740,
"title": "Armenian Radio"
},
{
"body": "\"Comrade Brezhnev, is it true that you collect political jokes?\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094 \"Yes\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094 \"And how many have you collected so far?\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094 \"Three and a half labor camps.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17741,
"title": "Comrade Brezhnev"
},
{
"body": "Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA?\r\n\r\nIn principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, \"Down with Reagan!\" and you will not be punished.\r\n\r\nJust the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, \"Down with Reagan!\" and you will not be punished.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17742,
"title": "Freedom of Speech"
},
{
"body": "Is it true that the Soviet Union is the most progressive country in the world? \r\n\r\nOf course! The life was already better yesterday than it's going to be tomorrow!",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17743,
"title": "Most Progressive Country"
},
{
"body": "Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage.\r\n\r\nUnexpectedly, the train stops. Lenin suggests: \"Perhaps we should call a subbotnik, so that workers and peasants fix the problem.\"\r\n\r\nStalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, \"If the train does not start moving, the driver will be executed!\" \r\n\r\nBut the train doesn't start moving.\r\n\r\nKhrushchev then shouts, \"Let's take the rails behind the train and use them to construct the tracks in the front.\" \r\n\r\nBut it still doesn't move. Brezhnev then says, \"Comrades, comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17744,
"title": "Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev"
},
{
"body": "To sum up the Russians' experience with political leaders thus far:\r\n\r\nLenin showed how a country can be ruled;\r\n\r\nStalin showed how a country should be ruled;\r\n\r\nKhrushchev showed that a moron can rule a country;\r\n\r\nBrezhnev showed that not just any moron can rule a country.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17745,
"title": "Russians' Experience With Political Leaders"
},
{
"body": "During the famine of the civil war, a delegation of starving peasants comes to the Smolny, wishing to file a petition. \"We have even started eating the grass like horses,\" says one peasant. \"Soon we will start neighing like horses!\" \"Come on! Don't worry!\" says Lenin reassuringly. \"We are drinking tea with honey here, and we are not buzzing like bees, are we?\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17746,
"title": "Civil War"
},
{
"body": "A schoolteacher is leading her students through a park, and they see a baby hare. These are city kids, and have never seen a hare. \"Do you know who this is?\" asks the teacher. No one knows. \"Come on kids\", says the teacher trying to lead the children to the answer, \"He's a character in many stories, songs and poems we always read.\" One student \"figures it out,\" pats the hare and says reverently, \"So *that's* what you're like, Grandpa Lenin!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17747,
"title": "Concerning the Omnipresent Lenin Propaganda"
},
{
"body": "\"Comrade Stalin! This man is your exact double!\" / \"Shoot him!\" / \"Maybe we should shave off his moustache?\" / \"Good idea! Shave it off and then shoot him!\". (In another version, Stalin replies shortly Ili tak [lit. or so], meaning \"this way is ok too\", which has become somewhat proverbial).",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17748,
"title": "Comrade Stalin"
},
{
"body": "Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. \"Who sneezed?\" (Silence.) \"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!\" (Applause.) \"Who sneezed?\" (Silence.) \"Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!\" (Long, loud applause.) \"Who sneezed?\" (Silence.) ...A dejected voice in the back: \"It was me\" (Sobs.) Stalin leans forward: \"Bless you, comrade!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17749,
"title": "Party Congress"
},
{
"body": "Why was Khrushchev deseated? Because of the Seven \"C\"s: Cult of personality, Communism, China, Cuban Crisis, Corn, and Cuzka's mother.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17750,
"title": "Seven \"C\"s"
},
{
"body": "\"Leonid Ilyich is in surgery.\" / \"Heart again?\" / \"No, chest expansion surgery: to fit one more Gold Star medal.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17751,
"title": "Leonid Ilyich is in Surgery"
},
{
"body": "At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. \"O!\" - applause. \"O!\" - more applause. \"O!\" - yet more applause. \"O!\" - an ovation. \"O!!!\" - the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, \"Leonid Ilyich, that's the Olympic rings, you don't need to read it!\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17752,
"title": "1980 Olympics"
},
{
"body": "\"Leonid Ilyich!...\" / \"Come on, no formalities among comrades. Just call me 'Ilyich' \".",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17753,
"title": "Ilyich"
},
{
"body": "The phone rings, Brezhnev picks up the phone: \"Hello, this is dear Leonid Ilyich...\".",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17754,
"title": "Dear Leonid Ilyich"
},
{
"body": "\"Have you heard it? Brezhnev died!\" / \"What happened, heart attack?\" / \"No, short-circuit of eyebrows.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17755,
"title": "Short-circuit"
},
{
"body": "\"Comrade Andropov is the most turned on man in Moscow!\" \r\n\"Comrade Andropov is sure to light up any discussion!\" \r\n\"Why did Brezhnev go abroad, and Andropov did not? Because Brezhnev ran on batteries, but Andropov needed an outlet.\" (Reference to Brezhnev's pacemaker and Andropov's dialysis machine).",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17756,
"title": "Geriatric Intermezzo"
},
{
"body": "\"What is the main difference of succession under tsarist regime and under socialism?\" \"Under tsarist regime the power transferred from father to a son, and under socialism - from one grandfather to another.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17757,
"title": "Tsarist Regime"
},
{
"body": "Today, due to bad health and without regaining consciousness Konstantin Ustinovich Chernenko took up the duties of Secretary General.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17758,
"title": "TASS Communication"
},
{
"body": "In a restaurant: \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u0095 Why are the meatballs of cubic shape? \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u0095 Perestroika! (restructuring) \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u0095 Why are they undercooked? \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u0095 Uskoreniye! (acceleration) \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u0095 Why are they bitten? \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u0095 Gospriyomka (state approval) \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u0095 Why are you telling me all this so brazenly? \r\n\u00e2\u0080\u0095 Glasnost! (openness)",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17759,
"title": "Gorbachev"
},
{
"body": "A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: \"Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please.\" In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the conspirator finally gets to sleep. The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone. \"Oh, the KGB has arrested them!\" she answers. \"B-but... but what about me?\" asks the guy in terror. \"Oh, well, they decided to let you go. You made Comrade Major laugh a lot with your tea joke.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17760,
"title": "A Hotel"
},
{
"body": "A quartet of violinists returns from an international competition. One of them was honored with the possibility to play a Stradivarius violin and cannot stop bragging about this. Another one grunts: \"What's so special about that?\". The first one thinks for a minute: \"Let me put it in this way for you: just imagine you were given a chance to make a couple of shots from Dzerzhinsky's mauser...\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17762,
"title": "A Quartet of Violinists"
},
{
"body": "Q: What is more useful \u00e2\u0080\u0094 newspapers or television?\r\nA: Newspapers, of course. You cannot wrap herring in a TV.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17763,
"title": "Newspapers or Television"
},
{
"body": "Five precepts of the Soviet intelligentsia (intellectuals): Do not think. If you think \u00e2\u0080\u0094 do not speak. If you think and speak \u00e2\u0080\u0094 do not write. If you think, speak and write \u00e2\u0080\u0094 do not sign. If you think, speak, write and sign \u00e2\u0080\u0094 don't be surprised.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17765,
"title": "Five Precepts"
},
{
"body": "\"My wife has been going to cooking school for three years.\" / \"She must really cook well by now!\" / \"No, they've only reached the part about the Twentieth CPSU Congress so far.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17766,
"title": "CPSU Congress"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a shop and says, \"I see you don't have any fish\", and the shop assistant replies, \"You got it wrong - ours is a butcher: we don't have any meat. They don't have any fish in the fish shop that is across the road!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17767,
"title": "Don't Have Any Fish"
},
{
"body": "\"Dad, can I have the car keys?\"\r\n\"Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17768,
"title": "Car Keys"
},
{
"body": "When Yeltsin resigned from the Communist Party at the 28th Party Congress, people used to say that \"Yeltsin is out of mind,... honour, and conscience of our epoch\". (A hint at a widespread propaganda slogan: \"Party is Mind, Honour and Conscience of our Epoch\")",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17769,
"title": "28th Party Congress"
},
{
"body": "\u00e2\u0080\u0095Have you heard, Putin ordered the government to arrest the inflation.\r\n\u00e2\u0080\u0095Well, not exactly, he ordered to have it arrested...and jailed.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17770,
"title": "Inflation"
},
{
"body": "Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says, \"Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue.\" \"Why blue?\" Putin asks. \"Ha!\" says Stalin. \"I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17771,
"title": "Stalin's Ghost"
},
{
"body": "Attempting to enter a case-sensitive password with caps-lock on. \r\nNot checking to ensure that the computer is indeed plugged in. \r\nClicking Yes on message boxes without reading them properly and deleting important files. \r\nForgetting to plug an ethernet cable into their laptop's network card when in the office. \r\nAllowing sessions to timeout when using a web application. \r\nErroneous data entry.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17772,
"title": "User Errors"
},
{
"body": "And the beast shall come forth surrounded by a roiling cloud of vengeance. The house of the unbelievers shall be razed and they shall be scorched to the earth. Their tags shall blink until the end of days.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17773,
"title": "The Book of Mozilla"
},
{
"body": "And the beast shall be made legion. Its numbers shall be increased a thousand thousand fold. The din of a million keyboards like unto a great storm shall cover the earth, and the followers of Mammon shall tremble.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17774,
"title": "Legion"
},
{
"body": "And so at last the beast fell and the unbelievers rejoiced. But all was not lost, for from the ash rose a great bird. The bird gazed down upon the unbelievers and cast fire and thunder upon them. For the beast had been reborn with its strength renewed, and the followers of Mammon cowered in horror.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17775,
"title": "Great Bird"
},
{
"body": "An Irishman, a Scotsman, and an American walk into a bar.\r\nThe beginning of a cheesy joke?\r\nYou betcha.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17776,
"title": "Caution: Cheesy Joke Ahead"
},
{
"body": "As of 11-23-09, my score was 1337.\r\n\r\nHow the hell that happened beats me.\r\nI thought I was a crappy joke writer.\r\nThis is boring isn't it?\r\nThought so.\r\nAt least it's not a dupe.\r\nOr is it...\r\nNope, it's not.\r\n\r\nBoring as hell, right?\r\nThought so.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17778,
"title": "1337"
},
{
"body": "*This is from a comic called Pearls Before Swine, I just wanted to share it with you guys(crowd goes *awwww*)*\r\n\r\nDentist(on phone p-D): Hi, this is Dr. Smith's office calling to remind you about your dental appointment tomorrow.\r\nOther Person(P): Can't make it.\r\nD: Why?\r\nP: Profanity. It offends me.\r\nD: I didn't use profanity.\r\nP: Car won't start.\r\nD: You live a block away.\r\nP: 2 broken feet.\r\nD: We'll send a cab.\r\nP: No money.\r\nD: We'll pay.\r\nP: Mom died.\r\nD: You said that last year.\r\nP: Dad this time.\r\nD: You don't know which?\r\nP: Can't keep track.\r\nD: OF YOUR PARENTS?!?!\r\nP: When training for a marathon.\r\nD: On 2 broken feet?\r\nP: I drive the race.\r\nD: Your car won't start.\r\nP: I take a cab.\r\nD: You have no money.\r\nP: Mom died again.\r\nD: Listen here, buddy! Get me a legitimate excuse or get the @!$!@$#% over here!\r\nP: Profanity. It offends me.\r\n*hangs up*\r\nP: Amateurs.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17779,
"title": "Dental Appointment?"
},
{
"body": "How dod the person take over the remote?",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17780,
"title": "Remote"
},
{
"body": "How did the person take over the remote?\r\nHe asked for remote CONTROLS!",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17781,
"title": "Remote"
},
{
"body": "Have you ever had those days when your computer fucking sucks?\r\nNow you have a poem to say!\r\n\r\nI'm gonna get some Coke and a snack,\r\nThis should be FUCKING WORKING by the time I get back.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17782,
"title": "The Men Who Swear at Computers"
},
{
"body": "God said \"Let there be light.\"\r\n\r\nChuck Norris said \"Say please.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17783,
"title": "Let There Be Light"
},
{
"body": "A Pokemon Trainer walks into a STD help center.\r\nThe nurse there says \"Sorry, but it looks like you've caught 'em all\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17784,
"title": "Pokemon Trainer"
},
{
"body": "This is a insult I use on my brother's girlfriend if she starts annoying me too much. She has a very tiny bridge in her nose that is only noticeable if you look close enough. Its fun to mess with her about it cause she is very self conscious about it.\r\n\r\nThat bridge on your nose is so big, it could fit Rosie O'Donald across the Grand Canyon!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17789,
"title": "That Bridge is Big Enough!"
},
{
"body": "Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 17790,
"title": "Doctor Doctor Toast"
},
{
"body": "\"So I was talking to my family and we were doing a family get together session, you know the one teens dread? That one. And my mom asks me, 'if you could ask one person 2 questions, what would ask them?' So I thought and decided to \"question\" the director of the movie 2012.\"\r\n\r\nMe: Sir, your movie is based of the catastrophes that might happen in 2012. Will most people die?\r\n\r\nDirector of 2012: Sure.\r\n\r\nMe: If you go down, do George Clooney and Brad Pitt go down with you, because that will make me the sexiest man alive.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17791,
"title": "2012"
},
{
"body": "Knock-Knock...Who's there?....The Gestapo...The Gestapo, who?.....VEE VILL BE ASKING ZE QUESTIONS HERE!!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17792,
"title": "Secret Police"
},
{
"body": "Two hillbillies just come out of a divorce court.\r\n\r\nThe ex-wife is crying her eyes out.\r\n\r\nHer ex-husband comes over and says:\r\n\r\n\"There, there Missy, you're still my sister!\"",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 17793,
"title": "Hillbilly Divorce"
},
{
"body": "Your mum's so fat she fell in love and broke it.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17795,
"title": "Your Mum's So Fat 1."
},
{
"body": "Your mum's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17796,
"title": "Your Mum's So Fat 2."
},
{
"body": "Wife : \"I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big\r\nones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.\"\r\n\r\nHusband : \"How about the ones like mine?\"\r\n\r\nWife : \"Those they gave away.\"\r\n\r\nHusband : \"I had a dream too . . . I dreamt they were\r\nauctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.\"\r\n\r\nWife : \"And how much for the ones like mine?\"\r\n\r\nHusband : \"That's where they held the auction.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17803,
"title": "Genital Auction"
},
{
"body": "When was the price of milk the highest?\r\n\r\nWhen the cow jumped over the moon.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17806,
"title": "Don't Have a Cow."
},
{
"body": "What is red, black, has ten eyes, and crawls?\r\n\r\nI do not know but it is on your head.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17807,
"title": "You're Bugging Me"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is SO fat that the amount of food she eats for dinner could feed ALL the Ethiopeans for a year!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17808,
"title": "So FAT"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama is so dumb each time she hears Obama's name on tv she throws her hands in the air + ducks for cover Yelling OH BOMB A WHERE?!?!?!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17809,
"title": "So DUMB"
},
{
"body": "why did hitler kill himself? \r\n\r\nbecause he saw his gas bill",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17811,
"title": "Hehe"
},
{
"body": "they says theres safety in numbers?\r\n\r\ntell that to six million jews!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17812,
"title": "Hehe 2"
},
{
"body": "Q: What's the best way to kill a man? \r\nA: Put a pretty blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one. \r\n\r\nQ: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? \r\nA: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. \r\n\r\nQ: What is the difference between men and women:.... \r\nA: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. \r\n\r\nQ. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg ? \r\nA. They don't stop for directions. \r\n\r\nQ: How does a man keep his youth? \r\nA: By giving HER money, furs and diamonds. \r\n\r\nQ: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? \r\nA: Rename the mail folder to \"instruction manuals\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17814,
"title": "Male Answers"
},
{
"body": "Knock-knock\r\n\r\nWho's there?\r\n\r\nSomeone\r\n\r\nSomeone who?\r\n\r\nSomeone who cuts of during mid sen . . .",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17815,
"title": "Someone?"
},
{
"body": "What a mother wants for Mother's Day\r\n\r\n\r\n10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any \"floaties\" (ie, backwash). \r\n\r\n9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that, \"Why is this person my mother?\" way. \r\n\r\n8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.\r\n \r\n7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a \"Hi Ya Mom!\" just as I put a razor to my ankle.\r\n \r\n6. A full time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt.\r\n \r\n5. For my teenager to announce \"Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!\"\r\n\r\n4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.\r\n\r\n3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.\r\n \r\n2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, \"Oh no! Why me . . . !\"\r\n\r\n1. Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17817,
"title": "Top 10 Mother's Day Wishes"
},
{
"body": "A black man and a Jew jump off a building; who wins?\r\n\r\nSociety.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17818,
"title": "Hehe 3"
},
{
"body": "why are black people getting stronger?\r\n\r\ntv's are getting bigger",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17819,
"title": "Hehe 4"
},
{
"body": "CONCLUSION:\r\n\r\nThere is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their ass is too fat . . . 10% of women think their ass is too skinny . . .\r\n\r\nThe remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17823,
"title": "WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY."
},
{
"body": "How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?\r\n\r\n1 to screw it in, and 3 to write a song about it.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 17824,
"title": "Country Singers"
},
{
"body": "What did the farmer say when his truck disappeared?\r\n\r\nWhere's my truck?",
"category": "Redneck",
"id": 17825,
"title": "What Did the Farmer Say?"
},
{
"body": "Yo Momma' so fat, she gets winded going up the escalator!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17826,
"title": "Escalator Ride"
},
{
"body": "It was really hot last summer. In fact, it was so hot I saw a republican with his head out of his ass.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17828,
"title": "Pretty Hot"
},
{
"body": "1. You had to share a room until you were 21.\r\n2. You try and re-use gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.\r\n3. You are standing next to the two largest suitcases at the airport.\r\n4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party \u00e2\u0080\u0093 and think it s normal.\r\n5. All your children have nicknames, which sound nowhere close to their real names.\r\n6. You know someone with 20 kids.\r\n7. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.\r\n8. You can fit 10 people into a Civic.\r\n9. Your parents never throw anything away and if you by some chance manage to get something to make it to the garbage can . . . it mysteriously appears back where it was again.\r\n10. You have lace curtains.\r\n11. You have lace tablecloths.\r\n12. You have or had rugs on your walls.\r\n13. Your mom tells you you're too skinny even though you're 30 pounds overweight.\r\n14. Girls can't have boyfriends when they are 17 but they have to be married at 18.\r\n15. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think but they won't let you do certain things because of what other 'brat'ya' and 'sestri' will think.\r\n16. You or your relatives have at least five gold teeth in their mouth.\r\n17. Either you or 40 of your relatives drive a Civic, Eclipse, Camry, BMW or Accord.\r\n18. Your car windows are tinted twice the legal limit.\r\n19. Going over 100 mph is routine.\r\n20. You're driving on 2 tickets and don't remember what your license looks like.\r\n21. You've been driving without a license for 2 years.\r\n22. You say \"let's meet at 9\u00e2\u0080\u00b3; you actually mean \"I'll wake up at 9, take a shower, eat, watch tv and meet you at 12\u00e2\u0080\u00b3.\r\n23. You stand around in circles of friends for an hour deciding what to do.\r\n24. After leaving a restaurant, it actually means you're going outside to the parking lot to talk for another hour.\r\n25. Your uncle/dad fixes cars from the auction.\r\n26. You drive a car bought from an auction. (which you will later sell and make a hefty profit off of unsuspecting American buyers).\r\n27. You know you're a new Russian immigrant if you wear church shoes with jeans, shorts, or slacks . . . while playing volleyball.\r\n28. You know you are a new Russian immigrant if you tuck your shirt in your shorts.\r\n29. At least 5 of your relatives are named Volodia, Yura, Olya, Oksana, Nataliya or Tanya.\r\n30. All of your CDs are burned, or you bought them at a Bazaar for 2 bucks a piece.\r\n31. You can make Perogis in 18 different flavors.\r\n32. You get kicked out of every kart, theme park, and anything potentially dangerous.\r\n33. When you work at construction site.\r\n34. You have five leather jackets and matching gloves.\r\n35. You keep your stash of cash under your mattress instead of a savings account.\r\n36. Twelve of your friends get into a movie with only one ticket.\r\n37. Your house is full of foreign medicine that is probably illegal here.\r\n38. You sing at every party you go to.\r\n39. Your mom recycles plastic cups, plastic plates, and sandwich bags by washing them.\r\n40. You don't know how to use a dishwasher.\r\n41. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.\r\n42. Your dad has butchered a pig or lamb.\r\n43. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many bowls as possible.\r\n44. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils.\r\n45. You eat bread with everything.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17830,
"title": "You Know You're Russian When . . ."
},
{
"body": "\"One day a friend of mine called me up to tell me he was thinking of buying a computer. This guy is particularly sensitive to criticism and not exactly in the upper echelon of the IQ range, and personally I don't think he should own a programmable VCR much less a computer, but he's a good guy, so I said \"good for you.\" The following conversation ensued:\r\n\r\n * Him: \"Well, I have a couple questions though, that I thought I should ask you, cause you know about those things, right?\"\r\n * Me: \"Yeah, ok, what do you want to know?\"\r\n * Him: \"Well . . . what one should I buy?\"\r\n * Me: \"What do you want to do with it mostly? Play games, word processsing (blah blah blah) . . .?\"\r\n\r\nTwenty minutes later . . .\r\n\r\n * Him: \"Well, I think probably I should get a real fast one, you know, cause I want it to go fast so I don't have to wait for the Internet.\"\r\n\r\nI proceed to explain, SLOWLY, about the difference between megahertz and modem speed, which takes another twenty minutes.\r\n\r\n * Him: \"So how much is this going to cost me anyway?\"\r\n * Me: \"It all depends on what you want. Some stuff costs more.\"\r\n\r\n(Now, let me say here that at the very beginning of all this I had stated that neither a monitor nor a printer would come with a computer itself, unless you went for a package deal. He was, at this point, saying that he wanted to spend about $500 and that everything had to be from the same manufacturer. This was when the 550 P3 had just come out, so prices were still higher than $500 for any system you could go buy in a Circuit City, which he said he HAD to do.)\r\n\r\n * Him: \"Well, you know, I just want the basic stuff, a monitor, and a printer and a scanner, and maybe a camera, plus the stuff to make cards and print photos and all that, and the stuff to take care of paying my bills, and online.\"\r\n * Me: \"Ok, well, you need to get a system first, then think about the extras. You really need to learn the basics first. A computer with a monitor and a printer is probably going to be a minimum of $800 to $1000, if you really want them all to be from the same company.\"\r\n * Him: \"REALLY?! Well, ok, but I probably will need two printers, so it'll be more then, huh?\"\r\n * Me: \"What?\"\r\n * Him: \"Yeah, you can do that, right, hook up two of the same printer to one computer?\"\r\n * Me: \"Well . . . NO, you can't.\"\r\n * Him: \"But I'll need to do that!\"\r\n * Me: \"No, really, you won't. Why do you think that?\"\r\n * Him: \"Ok, wait, I know, what about two computers? Can you do that? Can you hook two computers together?\"\r\n * Me: \"But . . . why? No.\"\r\n * Him: \"But I am going to NEED that! You can't do that for me?!\"\r\n * Me: \"Ok, ya know what, what the hell are you talking about?!? No one ever NEEDS to do what you are talking about doing so why do you think you need to do this?\"\r\n * Him: \"Well, when I go to print out that manuscript I'm going to write, it'll probably be like 800 pages or so, so how am I ever going to get one printer to print that much, and one computer probably can't even hold that much in one thing, right?\"\r\n\r\nInside, I was going ballistic at this point, and it did boil over, especially since there is NO WAY there is 800 pages worth of anything in this guy's head, but I explained that (a) one computer can in fact \"hold\" that much and a whole lot more, and (b) one printer (unless it is a huge Xerox or other office type industrial machine) CAN'T hold that much paper in one shot.\r\n\r\nI hope that none of you nice tech support people never EVER get a call from this guy, because I guarantee you it will be the worst call you ever get in your life. You guys may all have to get together and dedicate a page to him, posting only his calls, just to vent your anger. He is the cupholder guy, the NOSMOKE.EXE guy, the guy who insists he \"hasn't changed anything\" when he really edited his AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS to include lines like \"and don't say I'm bad and an invalid,\" and the guy who has everything plugged in but nothing where it is supposed to be plugged in. He WILL have his powerstrip plugged into itself and will insist that it is NOT. May the force be with you all; you'll need it.\"",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17832,
"title": "Worst Tech Guy Ever?"
},
{
"body": "Dear John,\r\n\r\nI hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. \r\n\r\nWhen I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. \r\n\r\nWhen I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. \r\n\r\nCan you please help? \r\n\r\nSincerely, Sheila \r\n\r\nJohn's reply... \r\n\r\nDear Sheila, \r\n\r\nA car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. \r\n\r\nStart by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and check all rounding wires. \r\n\r\nIf none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.\r\n\r\nI hope this helps, John",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17834,
"title": "Why MEN Should Write Advice Columns"
},
{
"body": "Part 1\r\n\r\nOne day, Doraemon was walking down street. He saw Hello Kitty approaching him. Excited by the encounter, he walked towards Hello Kitty and said, \"Good morning\".\r\n\r\nSadly, Hello Kitty did not reply him. Why?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnswer: Hello Kitty has no mouth.\r\n\r\n------------------------------------\r\n\r\nPart 2\r\n\r\nUnhappy that she broke Doraemon's feelings, Hello Kitty decided to bring along a video recorder with the words \"Good Morning\" recorded by someone else. She saw Doraemon crossing the street, so she approached him and pressed the button: \"Good morning\".\r\n\r\nThis time, Doraemon did not reply her. Why?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnswer: Doraemon has no ears.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17835,
"title": "Doraemon and Hello Kitty"
},
{
"body": "Here is a series of jokes my friend told me. They were hilarious, and I thought I should share it with everyone. Apologies for any dupes.\r\n\r\nYou: Want to hear a corny joke?\r\nThem: Ok\r\nYou: Where do you plant corns in a farm?\r\nThem: Don't know. Where?\r\nYou: At the CORNers\r\n\r\nYou: Do you want to hear a cornier joke?\r\nThem: Yes\r\nYou: (pull one lower eyelid) CORNEA! (goofy tone)\r\n\r\nYou: Do you want to hear a long joke or a short joke?\r\nThem: Long joke\r\nYou: Jjjjjoooooookkkkkkkeeeee (drag as long as you can)\r\nThem: Short joke\r\nYou: Jo' (say it very really fast)\r\n\r\nEnjoy! :)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17836,
"title": "Corny Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Man- \"Jesus Christ! I can't open this hard drive.\"\r\n\r\nJesus- \"Use the torx, Luke.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17838,
"title": "Star Wars"
},
{
"body": "After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama bin Laden made his way to the pearly gates.\r\n\r\nThere, he is greeted by George Washington. \"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!\" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.\r\n\r\nPatrick Henry comes up from behind. \"You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!\" Henry punches Osama on the nose.\r\n\r\nJames Madison comes up next, and says \"This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!\" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.\r\n\r\nOsama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.\r\n\r\nAs he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.\r\n\r\nAs Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams \"This is not what I was promised!\"\r\n\r\nAn angel replies \"I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17841,
"title": "Osama Bin Laden's Greeting At The Pearly Gates?"
},
{
"body": "Whats the difference between a black man and a farm tractor? \r\n\r\nNothing! The tractor is just an upgrade!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17842,
"title": "Farm Equipment"
},
{
"body": "1. You consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.\r\n\r\n2. If you're proud that Alaska makes the national news 96 nights each year because Trapper Creek is the coldest spot in the nation.\r\n\r\n3. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year.\r\n\r\n4. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead.\r\n\r\n5. If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of jellied moose nose.\r\n\r\n6. If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time.\r\n\r\n7. If you have either a pet or child named \"Bear\".",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17843,
"title": "You're Know You're From Alaska If . . .1"
},
{
"body": "1. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches.\r\n\r\n2. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.\r\n\r\n3. If you know how to say Matanuska, Tokositna, Kichatna, Oshetna, Bodenburg and Muktuk.\r\n\r\n4. If you think that ketchup is one of the seven main food groups.\r\n\r\n5. If your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a motor home on the highway.\r\n\r\n6. If your whole family wears mukluks to church on Sunday.\r\n\r\n7. If you see people wearing camouflage at social events - including weddings and funerals.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17844,
"title": "You're Know You're From Alaska If . .2"
},
{
"body": "My doctor says I have insomnia, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 17845,
"title": "My Doctor . . ."
},
{
"body": "Entitled To One Phone Call\r\n\r\nTwo teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, enjoying a joint on the edge of the fountain in the town square.\r\n\r\nThe arresting officer, unable to reach their parents, gave them each one phone call.\r\n\r\nA half hour later, a man entered the station.\r\n\r\nThe sergeant said, \"I suppose you're the kids' lawyer?\"\r\n\r\n\"Nope,\" the chap replied. \"I'm just delivering their pizza!\"",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 17846,
"title": "Entitled To One Phone Call"
},
{
"body": "This is from a script for an upcoming animated series I'm working on. Keep in mind that Chris is 19 years-old.\r\n\r\nSetting-Turner household\r\nCharacters-Chris, Johnathan, and Evan (wearing maids uniform)\r\n(Chris walks into the living room with his backpack on. Johnathan is eating breakfast, and Evan is mopping the kitchen floor.)\r\nJohnathan: Hey Chris are you ready for school?\r\nChris: I sure am Johnathan. \r\nEvan: Hey Chris\r\nChris: Hey Evan\r\nJohnathan: Come on eat some breakfast. I made you pancakes.\r\nChris: I want eggs.\r\nJohnathan: You don't like eggs.\r\nChris: Yeah I do.\r\nJohnathan: No, you say you like eggs. But then when I give them to you, you throw a fit and say they're nasty.\r\nChris: I promise I won't.\r\nJohnathan: Alright fine then. (Puts eggs on Chris' plate)\r\nChris: (Smacks the plate off-screen)\r\nEvan: (Off-Screen) Oh my god aaaah! There's pepper in my eye!\r\nJohnathan: What the hell!? \r\nChris: You forgot the cheese.\r\nJohnathan: Yeah well you're not getting anymore breakfast.\r\nChris: But I'm hungry.\r\nJohnathan: Fine, but I'm giving you pancakes. (Puts pancakes on Chris' plate)\r\nChris: Thank you. (Smacks plate off-screen)\r\nEvan: (Off-screen) Ah, Dammit! There's syrup in my wounds!\r\nJohnathan: What was that for!?\r\nChris: I wanted the Mickey Mouse pancakes.\r\nJohnathan: (Facepalm)",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 17847,
"title": "Breakfast With Chris"
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between Jam and Marmalade?\r\n\r\n\r\nYou can't marmalade your dick up a 2 year olds ass.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 17848,
"title": "Marmalade and Jam"
},
{
"body": "The following is based off a true story.\r\n\r\nIn my high school english class our english teacher Ms. Simoff had given us homework to do and if we didn't do it we wouldn't be allowed to watch a movie. The next day my friend Jason came in and told the teacher that he did not do his homework. The teacher sent him to another classroom to finish his work. When he asked why he was in trouble Ms. Simoff said,\r\n\r\n\"Because you didn't do what I asked you to last night.\"\r\n\r\nThe class proceeded to burst into laughter.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17849,
"title": "Last Night"
},
{
"body": "A rich Texan told the president of the University of Texas, \"I want to set you up with a billion-dollar endowment fund, with but one condition.\"\r\n\r\n\"What's the condition?\" asked the U.T president.\r\n\r\n\"I want you to give my horse an honorary degree. She's served me faithfully for fifteen years and she deserves a B.T. degree, a Bachelor of Transportation.\"\r\n\r\nThe president said, \"I've got to consult my trustees. I'll get back to you.\"\r\n\r\nThe trustees debated an hour until one senior trustee, who had appeared to be napping during the whole discussion, said softly, \"I think we should take his money and give the horse the degree.\"\r\n\r\nAnother trustee piped up, \"But wouldn't you be embarrassed to give an honorary degree to a horse?\"\r\n\r\n\"Nope,\" said the old man. \"In fact, it would be the first time I can remember that we gave an honorary degree to a whole horse!\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 17850,
"title": "The Honorary Degree"
},
{
"body": "An elderly couple was sitting on their front porch one day when the husband said: \"Whenever I get at mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?\"\r\n\r\n\"I just go and clean the toilet,\" his wife replied.\r\n\r\n\"How does that help?\" asked her husband.\r\n\r\n\"I use your toothbrush.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17851,
"title": "The Secret of a Long Marriage"
},
{
"body": "Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile . . .\r\n\r\n1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.\r\n\r\n2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.\r\n\r\n3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.\r\n\r\n4. No one knows your secret place.\r\n\r\n5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called \"the world.\"\r\n\r\n6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.\r\n\r\n7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.\r\n\r\nThere! See? It really does work . . . You're smiling already.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 17852,
"title": "Stress Mangement Technique"
},
{
"body": "Before he left on a business trip, the father took his young son aside.\r\n\r\n\"Terence, I'm trusting you to take care of the family while I'm gone. You're going to be the man of the house.\"\r\n\r\nComprehending the gravity of the situation, Terence replied soberly, \"In that case, I'm gonna need the remote.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17853,
"title": "The Man of the House"
},
{
"body": "Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador dog.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, I wouldn't if I were you!\", says Mick. \"Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17854,
"title": "Don't Buy A Labrador!"
},
{
"body": "At a local college dance in Sweden, an American asked a local girl to dance.\r\n\r\nWhile they were dancing, he gave her a little squeeze, and whispered, \"In America, we call this a hug.\"\r\n\r\nShe replied, \"Yaah, in Sveden ve call dis a hug, too.\"\r\n\r\nA little later, he gave her a peck on the cheek. \"In America, we call this a kiss.\"\r\n\r\nShe replied, \"Yaah, in Sveden ve call dis a kiss, too.\"\r\n\r\nA few drinks later, they moved out to the campus lawn and had sex.\r\n\r\n\"In America,\" he told her, \"we call this a grass sandwich.\"\r\n\r\nShe replied, \"Yaaah, in Sveden ve call dis a grass sandwich, too, but ve put more meat in it!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17855,
"title": "In Sveden . . ."
},
{
"body": "I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17856,
"title": "Hurdle!"
},
{
"body": "A twelve-year-old boy received a journal as a birthday gift. He looked at it carefully, but was mystified.\r\n\r\n\"Mom, what's the deal with this book? All the pages are blank,\" he asked.\r\n\r\n\"That's called a journal,\" she explained. \"You write down interesting stuff that happens to you.\"\r\n\r\nHis face brightened as he caught her drift. \"So it's kinda like a blog, only on paper?\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17857,
"title": "The Journal"
},
{
"body": "Top Ten Signs you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team\r\n\r\nFrom Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995\r\n\r\nYou recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.\r\n\r\nEvery time a player slides into second, he busts his hip.\r\n\r\nThey keep shouting \"Do over!\"\r\n\r\nWhen umpire yells, \"Strike 3!\" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French.\r\n\r\nTry as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.\r\n\r\nFirst base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.\r\n\r\nGame stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts \"Dinner time!\"\r\n\r\nPlayers constantly adjusting each other's cups.\r\n\r\nYou overheard the coach yelling, \"Run, Forrest, run!\"\r\n\r\nThey play like the Mets.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 17858,
"title": "Watch Real Baseball"
},
{
"body": "What is the definition of perfect pitch?\r\nWhen you throw the accordion into the dumpster and it lands on the banjo. \r\n\r\n\r\nWhat is the definition of a quarter tone?\r\nTwo oboes playing in unison.\r\n\r\n\r\nWhat do you call a guitar player who just broke up with his girlfriend??\r\nHomeless.\r\n\r\n\r\nHow do you know if the drum stand is level?\r\nThere is drool coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17860,
"title": "Musically Speaking . . ."
},
{
"body": "Teacher: So class, in the medieval times, the Puritan's ears were cut off if they didn't attend Catholic services.\r\n\r\nStudent: I bet they didn't like the sound of that!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17863,
"title": "Puritans"
},
{
"body": "What do you do when you see a Mexican riding a bike?\r\n\r\nThrow a stone at him, it's your bike!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17864,
"title": "Mexican"
},
{
"body": "Why do blondes have litlle holes in their faces?\r\n\r\nFrom eating with forks!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17865,
"title": "Blondes and Forks"
},
{
"body": "This site is dead. There has been an all-time low in traffic. No one posts anymore. The end of the site is a tragic one, and I will miss the site. Wocka has fallen from its high branch. \r\n\r\n\r\nSubmit your hate towards, but you know it's true.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17866,
"title": "The End of Wocka"
},
{
"body": "One fine day.... you're just walking by....\r\nYou look at this bird.... it shits in your eye....\r\nYou don't swear.... you don't cry.... \r\nYou just thank God.... that cows don't fly....",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17867,
"title": "Gratitude For the Little Things..."
},
{
"body": "\"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?\" the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded.\r\n\r\n\"Madam,\" said the newspaper employee, \"today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY.\"\r\n\r\nThere was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a sight of resignation as she was heard to mutter, \"Well, fuck . . . I guess that's why no one was at church today.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17871,
"title": "My Sunday"
},
{
"body": "Oedipus was a real motherfucker.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 17872,
"title": "Oedipus"
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken cross the road?\r\nBecause the chicken and the road can't agree on anything.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17873,
"title": "Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear the one about when the Great Recession began? The President appointed a cat to chair the Federal Reserve. Do you know why?\r\nBecause when a cat falls, it always lands on its feet.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17874,
"title": "The President and the Cat"
},
{
"body": "Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her U.S. Government class.\r\n\r\nThe professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.\r\n\r\nBambi pondered the question, then finally said, \"That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.\"",
"category": "College",
"id": 17875,
"title": "Government Class"
},
{
"body": "Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Aren't you glad you got rid of all those grannies?",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17876,
"title": "Granny"
},
{
"body": "Why did the Japanese steal the Diaoyu Islands?\r\n\r\nBecause they don't have enough room for their funny farms!",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 17878,
"title": "Diaoyu Islands"
},
{
"body": "Due to insufficient activity and a measly community, it has been decided that Wocka shall be merged with Braingle.com, the sister site of Wocka but with brain teasers. The decision was not an easy one, and there has been long discussions with Jake in both the Braingle and Wocka forums. The discussion was so heated that even Braingle's debate forums could not equal it. However, consensus was in favour of the merge and there's not much you can do about it.\r\n\r\nThe following measures shall be taken:\r\n1) All Wocka users now have a Braingle account. If they've already had one before, then their Wocka score is added to their Braingle score. Jake has made sure that the passwords of every Wocka and Braingle user match. If your Braingle and Wocka passwords are different, Jake will send you an email by tomorrow noon, Braingle time telling you what to do.\r\n2) All Wocka users with over 1000 marks now have an extra green karma arrow at Braingle.\r\n3) Wocka awards have been altered so that they differ from Braingle awards. The new set of awards have been transferred to your Braingle account.\r\n4) Wocka's joke database is yet to be transferred to Braingle, so you cannot view jokes there or look at your favourites yet.\r\n5) The Wocka forums will be merged into Braingle's soon.\r\n6) In order to match Braingle, subscription will be renamed to joke watchlist soon.\r\n7) Editors of Wocka are now Jokemasters of Braingle.\r\n8) Any Wocka user who actually thinks this message is serious loses ALL points on Braingle earned by taking the IQ test.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17879,
"title": "Site Notice"
},
{
"body": "A man was having a serious surgical operation. When he woke up, he asked his doctor, \"Did it go well?\"\r\n\r\n\"It went perfectly.\"\r\n\r\n\"Then why do I have this headache?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, that. Halfway through the operation, we ran out of anesthetic.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 17880,
"title": "The Surgery"
},
{
"body": "What's the Swedish word for divorce and swearing?\r\n\r\nIkea.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17881,
"title": "Divorce"
},
{
"body": "Since workaholics are people addicted to work and chocaholics are people addicted to chocolate, are catholics people addicted to cats?",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17882,
"title": "Holics"
},
{
"body": "I had a great memory once, but I don't know where I left it. You haven't seen it lying around anywhere have you?\r\nNo? No what?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17883,
"title": "I Had a Memory Once"
},
{
"body": "As I always say, \"REAL men don't shave below the neck.\"\r\n\r\nWell, unless they are a body builder, I guess you have to show it off.\r\n\r\nThen again, it might be good for a boxer to be more slippery so punches have less \"stick\" or whatever.\r\n\r\nYea, I guess it's the same with kick boxers.\r\n\r\nAlso, I guess porn stars have their reasons.\r\n\r\nAnd male models....\r\n\r\nOK, I guess I meant that \"REAL men don't shave below the neck, unless they can beat me up, of course.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17884,
"title": "Real Men"
},
{
"body": "If you copy from your textbooks, it's making good use of what you've learnt.\r\n\r\nIf you copy from anywhere else, it's plagiarism.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17885,
"title": "The Problem With Learning"
},
{
"body": "The other day, after what felt like five days of after-school detention, I hailed a taxi - it was almost six, jeez. I opened the door and stepped inside. Making myself comfortable in the back seat, I told him my home address, without caring who the cabbie was.\r\n\r\nI sank into the seat, with a kind of uneasiness. What would mum do? Ground me for the next ten years? I checked my watch every fifteen seconds, and watched the traffic shooting by.\r\n\r\nAbout halfway down the road, the dumb cabbie slowed suddenly. Damn you, I thought. Before I could say anything, the cabbie turned to me.\r\n\r\nFor a moment, I was frozen with fear. The cabbie was not half like anyone I'd seen before. His hair was the colour of fresh blood. His face, on the contrary, was white as a sheet. His cold eyes stared at me as if he was Count Dracula.\r\n\r\n***\r\n\r\nTaking advantage of my momentary paralysis, he spoke. 'My name is Ronald McDonald.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17886,
"title": "Cab Horror"
},
{
"body": "What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty?\r\n\r\nThe water bottle hit Justin Bieber first.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17888,
"title": "Water Bottle"
},
{
"body": "knock knock!\r\nwhose there?\r\nyer mom\r\noh come in!",
"category": "Knock-Knock",
"id": 17889,
"title": "Fuck-stick"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's so ugly the bank had to turn its security cameras off when she came in.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17895,
"title": "Yo Momma's So Ugly"
},
{
"body": "3 year old kid: \"Guess what? Daddy got you a pway-station!\"\r\n7 year old kid: \"Really??!! Where is it?\"\r\n3 year old: \"It's in p-one mile!\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17897,
"title": "The Pweigh Station"
},
{
"body": "Teenager: Dad, did you hear that Jake broke up with Taylor?\r\n\r\nDad: Oh no, another album.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17898,
"title": "Taylor Swift"
},
{
"body": "Ivan Vakinov\r\nKotcha Vakinov\r\nIsenya Vakinov",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17899,
"title": "Dirty Names"
},
{
"body": "Our new greengrocery is now starting!\r\n\r\nWe feature lead-free gasoline, phosphorus-free washing powder, fluorine-free refrigerator, ..., and iodine-free salt.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17900,
"title": "Greengrocery"
},
{
"body": "It's so easy, it makes pie look hard.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17901,
"title": "Easy As Pie"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma's like Geico: so easy a caveman could do it.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17903,
"title": "Geico"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma is so fat that when she rolled offa the bed, she rolled off BOTH sides.\r\n\r\nYo momma is so fat that when she jumped for joy, she got stuck.\r\n\r\nYo momma's teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter.\r\n\r\nYo momma's so fat that when she wears a red shirt all the kids go \"koolaid! koolaid!\"\r\n\r\nYo momma's so fat that when I swerved to miss her, I ran outta gas.\r\n\r\nYo momma's so fat that when I tried to drive around her, I had to stop and ask for directions.\r\n\r\nYo momma has so many chins that she keeps a bookmark in her mouth so she can remember where to stuff the food. \r\n \r\nyo mama is so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch xD\r\n\r\nYo moma's like a baby she sucks everything in sight\r\n\r\nYo moma's got more chins than a Chinese phone book...?\r\n\r\nyo momma so fat even dora couldn't explore her",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17908,
"title": "Yo Moma Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Dick Hurtz (Yeah, we heard ya.)\r\nDick Assman (I wish that last name was superhero name.)\r\nTeola doing the Hula to Hawaii (The New Zealand girl who had that name got rid of it in court.)\r\nRusty Kuntz (Ouch.)\r\nA. Fucks (Sorry forgot the first name.) (A Brazilian soccer player's name.)",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17912,
"title": "The Top Five Worst Names to Have."
},
{
"body": "Your mother used to go fishing in the Pacific ocean, but now she goes fission there.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17913,
"title": "Your Mother Used to Go Fishing..."
},
{
"body": "Yo Mamma soo fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington's nose",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17914,
"title": "George Washington"
},
{
"body": "I have a friend named Ben who says the dardest things. Me an a different friend have compiled a list of the best ones\r\n_____________________________\r\nMax: Have you noticed that people with lisps can't say lisp?\r\n\r\nBen: Really?.. Lisp,\r\n\r\nMax: Ben you don't have a lisp -.-\r\n\r\n_____________________________\r\nThey make up some excuse about an over-time relationship thing.\r\n\r\nYou mean long distance?\r\n_____________________________\r\n\r\nshut up you criticism\r\n\r\n_____________________________\r\n\r\nYou know max, you get what you dish out and if you don't like it get\r\nout of the kitchen.\r\n\r\n_______________________________\r\n\r\nI think it's a spiff or something!\r\n\r\n*********************************\r\n\r\nOkay but you can't wake up on purpose.\r\n\r\n*********************************\r\n\r\n(max) no tresping...wow I can't telk....\r\nDamnit.\r\n\r\n*********************************\r\nben (playing video games): wow I'm sucking so much balls right now.\r\n\r\nMax: we know ben. We all know what you do in your free time\r\n\r\nJyo: it's not exactly free\r\n\r\nBen (distracted): yeah...that's why I don't have any money... Wait..\r\n\r\nMax: so you pay them to suck their balls?\r\n\r\nBen: faggots...\r\n\r\n*********************************\r\n(Jyo): kellen quit being a whore\r\n(kellen): I'm not a whore... I'm a bitch.\r\n*********************************\r\nLike two peas in a pot.\r\n*********************************\r\n(ben humps air)\r\n\r\nMax (to ben): ew.\r\n\r\nLuke (watching a victorias secret commercial): no...thats awesome!\r\n*********************************\r\n\r\nBen: what are we watching?\r\n\r\nMax: dragon wars\r\n\r\nBen: what's it about?\r\n\r\nMax: ...take a wild guess ben\r\n\r\nBen: hey you never know!\r\n...faggots...\r\n*********************************\r\nYou lose you snooze....crap.\r\n********************************\r\nJyo: (playing video games): reload! You only have two shots left!\r\n\r\n(ben dies)\r\n\r\nJyo: shoulda reloaded.\r\n\r\nben: SHOULDA SHUDDUP!\r\n*********************************\r\nJewnormous\r\n*********************************\r\nIt's $10 an hour. We're just pulling whistles.\r\n(laughing in background)\r\nShaddap mom!\r\n*********************************\r\n(fire near ben's house.)\r\n\"Look the leaves are turning yellow\"\r\n\"yeah I'd be turning yellow\"\r\n*********************************\r\n\"wait, where's the boulder bolder?\"\r\n*********************************\r\n\"well that's cause the fire fires put it out\"\r\n*********************************\r\nOrgasasm\r\n*********************************\r\nbig fucking well!\r\n*********************************\r\nhey we were CII buddies!\r\n*********************************\r\nmax you look like a muffet.\r\nMax-what's that?\r\nIt's a mix between a marmot and a squirrel\r\n*********************************\r\nJyo: what are you planning\r\nBen: I'm not waging anything\r\n*********************************\r\noh yeah that's a good tacnic (tactic)\r\n*********************************\r\nstay away from my crocs. (crotch)\r\n*********************************\r\nit was pouring wind!\r\n*********************************\r\nI'm just a little blind\r\n*********************************\r\nBen-Careful you'll poke your eye out\r\nJyo-With a poker chip?\r\nBen-Exactly\r\n*********************************\r\nboofuckinghoo\r\n*********************************\r\nHe's like a pirate he lives in ward (crazy freaking mountain town in colorado)\r\n*********************************\r\nBen-Hey max, look a fish.\r\nMax looks\r\nBen Steals from Jyo.\r\n********************************\r\nYeah it was laced with OCD.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17915,
"title": "Benisms"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a bar right at the top of the Grand Canyon. Another patron comes up to him and says \"did you know the air currents in the canyon are so strong you can jump off and they pull you right back up?\"\r\n\r\n\"What?!\" the man said \"you must be drunk.\" \"No really, watch this!\" and he jumps into the Grand Canyon, and WHOOSH! flies back up.\r\n\r\n\"That was amazing!\" the second man said so the first guy does it again. Finally the second guy decides it really does work and goes for it. He jumps off and splatters on the ground.\r\n\r\nThe first guy returns to the bar and the bartender says \r\n\"Damn, Superman, you sure are a jerk when you're drunk.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 17917,
"title": "Bar at the Grand Canyon"
},
{
"body": "Superman was bored one day; he goes to see Batman, and he asks, \"Do you want to go save the world?\"\r\n\r\n\"Sorry\" Batman said. \"Spring cleaning at the Batcave,\" \r\nso Superman goes to see the Green Lantern.\r\n\r\n\"You wanna save the world?\" he asks. \"Can't, ring has been acting up,\" Lantern said.\r\n\r\nThen, flying around the city, Superman sees Wonderwoman sitting on top of a building totally naked. Superman thinks to himself, knowing that he could fly down there, do his business and be gone before she realized what happened.(He doesn't last very long), so he decide to go for it, flies down, has his fun, and is gone.\r\n \r\nWonderwoman asks, \"What's wrong, Invisible Man?\"\r\n \r\n\"I don't know but my ass hurts like hell!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17918,
"title": "Superman is Bored"
},
{
"body": "The farmer had 3 daughters; Flo, Betty, and Sam. Each girl had a date that night, but being the overprotective father that he was he had to meet the guy first. so sitting there in his chair with a shotgun he meets the guys. the first walks up and says \"Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to see the show, is she ready to go?\" The farmer allows them to go off, and the next boy comes up. \"Hey, my name is Petty, I'm here for Betty, we're getting spaghetti is she ready?\" The Farmer allows them to go. Now the last guy comes up. \"Hi, I'm Chuck...\" and BAM the farmer shoots him",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17919,
"title": "The Farmer's Daughters"
},
{
"body": "Have you heard the joke about the blind gynecologist? \r\n\r\nShe could \"read lips.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 17921,
"title": "The Blind Gynecologist"
},
{
"body": "I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I've never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I've never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.\r\n\r\nFOR EXAMPLE:\r\nOne evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, \"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.\" I said, \"WHAT??!!\r\n\r\nWhat was that?!\" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear . . . \"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.\" She responded to my puzzled look by saying, \"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?\"\r\n\r\nRealizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big un-named department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.\r\n\r\nShe couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, \"Let's get a pair for each outfit.\" We went on to the jewelery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you . . . she was so excited.\r\n\r\nShe must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, \"That's fine, honey.\" She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, \"I think this is\r\nall dear, let's go to the cashier.\"\r\n\r\nI could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, \"No honey, I don't feel like it.\" Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, \"WHAT?\"\r\n \r\nI then said, \"Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.\" Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, \"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?\"\r\n\r\nApparently I'm not having sex tonight either . . . but at least that girl knows I'm smarter than her.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17922,
"title": "Honey, I Don't Feel Like it Tonight . . ."
},
{
"body": "A man was in his front yard mowing the grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, \"Is something wrong?\"\r\n\r\n\r\nTo which she replied, \"There certainly is!\r\n\r\nMy stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.'\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17923,
"title": "Mailbox"
},
{
"body": "January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.\r\n\r\n\r\nFebruary \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels . . . Helllloooo!!! . . . bottles won't fit in printer!!!\r\n\r\n\r\nMarch \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Got really excited . . . finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months . . . box said \"2-4 years!\"\r\n\r\n\r\nApril \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Trapped on escalator for hours . . .power went out!!!\r\n\r\n\r\nMay \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Tried to make Kool-Aid . . .wrong instructions . . . 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!\r\n\r\n\r\nJune \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Tried to go water skiing . . . couldn't find a lake with a slope.\r\n\r\n\r\nJuly \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Lost breast stroke swimming competition . . . learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!\r\n\r\nAugust \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Got locked out of my car in rain storm . . . Car swamped because soft-top was open.\r\n\r\n\r\nSeptember \u00e2\u0080\u0093 The capital of California is \"C\" . . . isn't it???\r\n\r\n\r\nOctober \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Hate M & M's . . . they are so hard to peel.\r\n\r\n\r\nNovember \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!\r\n\r\n\r\nDecember \u00e2\u0080\u0093 Couldn't call 911 . . . duh . . . there's no \"eleven\" button on the stupid phone!!!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17924,
"title": "Blonde's Year in Review"
},
{
"body": "A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all about to jump off a cliff. As they jumped, they would yell the name of what they wanted to turn into.\r\n\r\nThe redhead went first. She yelled, \"Hawk!\" and she turned into a hawk and flew away.\r\n\r\nThe brunette went next. She yelled, \"Butterfly!\" and she turned into a butterfly and flew away.\r\n\r\nThe blonde went last. As she was about to jump, she tripped, and yelled, \"Crap!\" As she fell, she turned into a piece of poop.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17925,
"title": "Cliff Diving"
},
{
"body": "This is what happen to a boy and his father: Son: dad i want to marry. Father: who do you want to marry? Son: your mother. Father: why do you want to marry my mother? Son: because you also marry my mother. :)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17927,
"title": "Father $ Son"
},
{
"body": "A lecturing teacher noticed a lack of enthusiasm in her class. Few were paying attention so she decided to make an announcement, \"The person to answer this next question gets to go home.\" \r\n\r\nThe students were all brought to attention and a buzz went over the room. Suddenly, a male student grabbed his bag nd threw it out the window. The entire class went quiet. The teacher said, \"Who did that?!\" with a sense of anger behind her voice. \r\n\r\n\"Me,\" the male student replied. \"Now I can go home for answering your question.\" So he walked out of the classroom.",
"category": "College",
"id": 17928,
"title": "Go Home"
},
{
"body": "Lady on telephone: \"Hello sir, I want to meet & talk to you. You are the father of one of my kids.\"\r\n\r\nGuy (stunned!):\r\nAre you Sandra?\r\nNo.\r\nJenny?\r\nNo.\r\nAmy?\r\nNo.\r\nBetty?\r\nNo.\r\n\r\nLady (in confusion):\r\n\"No sir, I'm your son's class teacher.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17929,
"title": "I Am Your FATHER!"
},
{
"body": "Girl eagerly asks her boyfriend \"Where is my birthday gift?\"\r\n\r\nThe boyfriend points to a sports car across the street and says \"You see that beautiful and expensive Ferrari on the other side of the road?\"\r\n\r\nGirl gets excited and screams, \"Yeah!\"\r\n\r\nBoy, also excitedly, says, \"Well, I got you the same color nail varnish!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17930,
"title": "I Am Gifted, Not Cursed"
},
{
"body": "I used facebook for a few days and got addicted to it.\r\n\r\nI've been studying since I was 6. Why the hell am I not addicted to it?",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17931,
"title": "Facebook"
},
{
"body": "Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.\r\n\r\nThe first Catholic man tells his friends, \"My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.\"\r\n\r\nThe second Catholic man chirps, \"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'.\"\r\n\r\nThe third Catholic gent says, \"My son is a Cardinal . . . When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'.\"\r\n\r\nThe fourth Catholic man then says, \"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'.\"\r\n\r\nSince the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, \"Well . . .?\"\r\n\r\nShe proudly replies, \"I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24\" waist and 34\" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, 'Oh My God.'\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 17933,
"title": "Holy . . . !"
},
{
"body": "When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.\r\n\r\nWhen you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.\r\n\r\nThe first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.\r\n\r\nWhen the going gets tough, upgrade.\r\n\r\nFor every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.\r\n\r\nHe who laughs last probably made a back-up.\r\n\r\nA complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.\r\n\r\nThe number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.\r\n\r\nA computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17934,
"title": "Laws of Computing"
},
{
"body": "Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.\r\n\r\nIn the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.\r\n\r\nYesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.\r\n\r\nSamurai Bank is soldiering on, following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.\r\n\r\nFurthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17935,
"title": "Nu Problemu"
},
{
"body": "Dear Abby,\r\n\r\nI have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.\r\n\r\nThe usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.\r\n\r\nI try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.\r\nAnyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with \"the girls.\"\r\nWhen she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.\r\n\r\nIt was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor Made 460 driver.\r\n\r\nIs this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA Superstore?\r\n\r\nSigned...\r\nConcerned Golfer",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17936,
"title": "The Letter"
},
{
"body": "Husband messages his wife on his cellphone: Hi, wat R U doing honey?\r\n\r\nWife replies: I'm dying\r\n\r\nHusband is delighted and jumps with joy, but texts: OMG! How am I gonna live without u?\r\n\r\nWife replies: u idiot. I'm dying my hair\r\n\r\nHusband: *@&!#*/ English",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17937,
"title": "Damn English!"
},
{
"body": "Guide - I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. This is the world's biggest waterfall and the sound intensity of the waterfalls is so high that even 20 supersonic jet planes passing by cannot be heard. \r\nNow, I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagara Falls!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17938,
"title": "No Wonder I'm Deaf"
},
{
"body": "one day boodler is walking down the street minding his own (porn) business when suddenly a shady figure drags him into the alley.\r\n\r\nthe huge man rapes poor boodler with his freakishly large 20 inch cock. boodler squeals like a pig. no one comes to help or look as the town is familiar with the sound. you see, boodler goes around town butt naked every sunday squealing like a pig. and today happens to be sunday. no one helps the poor bastard. boodler can take so much cock up his ass all at once. so he faints although the raping continues.\r\n\r\nnext day morning, boodler finds himself in an alley. poor pig limps. his ass sore from the joy ride last night. now you can see him submitting jokes on wocka trying to score some shit",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 17940,
"title": "Boodler the Dickless Dick"
},
{
"body": "Cop to boy: Which of the two fighting in the street is your father?\r\n\r\nBoy: I don't know. That's what they're fighting about!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17941,
"title": "Eenie Meenie . . ."
},
{
"body": "Is anybody STILL ALIVE ON WOCKA??????\r\n\r\nI KNOW THIS ISNT A JOKE BUT THIS WAY THE ONLY WAY TO GET YOUR ATTENTION!\r\n\r\nHELLOOOO.... WAS THAT AN ECHO ECHO ECHO?",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17942,
"title": "Anybody There..there..? Echo..echoo?"
},
{
"body": "Imagine that you are on an adventure in a jungle with your best friend. Your friend gets bitten (on his manhood) by a poisonous snake while he was peeing. There isn't a hospital for hundreds of miles. The question is, will you SUCK the poison out or will you just watch him die?",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 17943,
"title": "Lord of the Things: Fellowship of the Thing"
},
{
"body": "What's grosser than gross? \r\n\r\nA pile of dead babies in a trash can.\r\n\r\nWhat's grosser than that?\r\n\r\nThe one at the bottom is still alive.\r\n\r\nWhat's grosser than that? \r\n\r\nHe has to eat his way to freedom.\r\n\r\nWhat's grosser than that?\r\n\r\nHe goes back for more.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 17944,
"title": "Dead Baby Jokes I"
},
{
"body": "Take a look at these 45 items and see if you find yourself relating and laughing until it hurts!\r\n\r\nMore often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.\r\n\r\nNothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.\r\n\r\nHave you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk. \r\n\r\nThat's enough, Nickelback.\r\n\r\nI totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.\r\n\r\nIs it just me, or are 80% of the people in the \"people you may know\" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?\r\n\r\nDo you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message board or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.\r\n\r\nThere is a great need for sarcasm font.\r\n\r\nSometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.\r\n\r\nHow the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?\r\n\r\nI would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.\r\n\r\nI think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.\r\n\r\nThe only time I look forward to a red light is when I trying to finish a text.\r\n\r\nWas learning cursive really necessary?\r\n\r\nLOL has gone from meaning, \"laugh out loud\" to \"I have nothing else to say\".\r\n\r\nI have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.\r\n\r\nWhenever someone says \"I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart\", all I hear is \"I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart\".\r\n\r\nHow many times is it appropriate to say \"What?\" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?\r\n\r\nI love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!\r\n\r\nEvery time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said, \"Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)...ummm...Goonies.\"\r\n\r\nWhile driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.\r\n\r\nMapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.\r\n\r\nObituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.\r\n\r\nI find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.\r\n\r\nI can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.\r\n\r\nBad decisions make good stories.\r\n\r\nWhenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!\r\n\r\nWhy is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.\r\n\r\nYou never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. \r\n\r\nCan we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.\r\n\r\nThere's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.\r\n\r\nI'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.\r\n\r\n\"Do not machine wash or tumble dry\" means I will never wash this ever.\r\n\r\nI hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?\r\n\r\nI hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.\r\n\r\nWhen I meet a new person, I'm terrified of mentioning something they haven't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.\r\n\r\nI like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.\r\n\r\nWhy is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...\r\n\r\nAs a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.\r\n\r\nI keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.\r\n\r\nEven if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.\r\n\r\nEven under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey \u00e2\u0080\u0093 but I bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...\r\n\r\nI think the freezer deserves a light as well.\r\n\r\nI disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.\r\n\r\nThe other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat %$#@! before dinner.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17945,
"title": "One of These Might Have Happend to You"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma was so fat, I was surprised that she could even jump!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17946,
"title": "Surprise!"
},
{
"body": "wocka is dead. no one comments anymore. no one submits jokes anymore. \r\n\r\nCan someone fix these glitches?-\r\n-when I write a comment and click on submit, half the time, the comment is not posted no matter how many times I try to re-post.\r\n-Even if I select \"show all\" for the full comments list, the hidden comments dont show up. wtf?\r\n\r\nI'm sorry this IS the only way I can get some attention since the forum is a ghost town.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17948,
"title": "DEAD! THEY'RE ALL DEAD! Must Read Before YOU Die!"
},
{
"body": "yo mama is so fat when she jumped she fell through the ground!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17949,
"title": "Soooooooooooooooo Fat"
},
{
"body": "yo mamma is so fat it takes 1111111111111111111111111999999999thousand belts to fit her waist",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17950,
"title": "Fat Lady"
},
{
"body": "yo-mamma is so fat shes fat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17951,
"title": "Real Old Joke"
},
{
"body": "The other day, I bought a packet of air. I was surprised to find a few potato chips inside it.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n-Dedicated to Lays",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17952,
"title": "Bet You Will Find Just One!"
},
{
"body": "The only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 17953,
"title": "Wroo . . .awr"
},
{
"body": "A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, \"I love you.\"\r\nThe husband says, \"Is that you or the wine talking?\"\r\nThe wife replies, \"It's me, talking to the wine.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17954,
"title": "She Loves Me. . . Not!"
},
{
"body": "Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need Sam's help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator. On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him.\r\n\r\n\"I don't know,\" he said. \"She is till upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 17955,
"title": "Took Him For a Ride"
},
{
"body": "The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the town's preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, \"Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17956,
"title": "That's Him Alright"
},
{
"body": "It's my wife's birthday today so I went out earlier in the week and deliberately got her a present that I knew she'd hate. \r\n\r\nTrue to form she opened it, took one look and said, \"What the fuck would I want with an xbox? \r\n\r\nI'm going to take this back to the shop and ask for a refund.\"\r\n\r\nI can't wait to see her little face when she gets arrested for looting.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17957,
"title": "Refund"
},
{
"body": "There was this old woman who heard a song called \"Two Lips and Seven Kisses.\" She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, \"Do you have \"Two Lips and Seven Kisses?\"\r\n\r\nThe gas station attendant who answered the phone said, \"No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!\"\r\n\r\nSo the woman asked, \"Is this a record?\"\r\n\r\nTo which the man replied, \"No, its average!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17958,
"title": "Ass Like that"
},
{
"body": "Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. \"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.\" said one doctor. \"Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!\" \r\n\r\nThe second doctor said, \"That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!\" \r\n\r\nSuddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. \"Oh my God!\" said the first doctor, \"I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!\"",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 17959,
"title": "Oh Nurse Jenny!"
},
{
"body": "What a woman says...\r\n\r\nThis place is a mess! C'mon!\r\nYou and I need to clean up!\r\nYour stuff is lying on the floor and\r\nYou'll have no clothes to wear if we\r\ndon't do laundry right now! \r\n\r\nWhat a man hears...\r\n\r\nblah blah blah blah blah C'MON!\r\nYOU AND I blah blah blah blah!\r\nblah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah\r\nblah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah\r\nblah blah blah RIGHT NOW!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17960,
"title": "Blah Funny Blah Joke"
},
{
"body": "A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, \"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich.\" The Madam says, \"For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf.\" The trucker says, \"I'm not horny, I'm homesick.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17961,
"title": "Home is Where the What Is?"
},
{
"body": "guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, \"What size?\"\r\n\r\nHe says, \"I don't know.\"\r\n\r\nShe holds up a finger and says, \"That big?\"\r\n\r\nHe says, \"Bigger.\"\r\n\r\nShe holds up three fingers and says, \"That big?\"\r\n\r\nHe says, \"Smaller?\"\r\n\r\nShe holds up two fingers and he says, \"That's it.\"\r\n\r\nShe puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, \"Medium.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17962,
"title": "Now That's From Experience!"
},
{
"body": "A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. \"I have just the thing,\" says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. \"Just place this between your cheek and gum.\" \r\n\r\nThe client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, \"And what if I swallow it?\"\r\n\r\n\"No problem,\" says the barber. \"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 17963,
"title": "The Barber's Wooden Balls"
},
{
"body": "A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, \"Yes. I'll have a couple more. \"The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, \"Why, do you order two drinks at a time?\"\r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife.\"\r\n\r\nAstounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, \"Your wife? Where is she?\"\r\n\r\n\"She's standing here next to me.\"\r\n\r\nThe bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, \"Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!\"\r\n\r\nThe man replies, \"No, but she's a lot better!\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 17964,
"title": "Better Than My Fist"
},
{
"body": "A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, \"Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!\" \r\n\r\nThe guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, \"Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!\" \r\n\r\nThe man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, \"Go ahead!\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 17965,
"title": "Hmm. Needs More Salt"
},
{
"body": "An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. \r\n\r\nAfter they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him. \r\n\r\nShe said, \"I can't do this, I have acute angina\". \r\n\r\nThe old guy says \"God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17966,
"title": "Anginal Sex"
},
{
"body": "Honest to God true story.\r\n\r\nWife (yelling from upstairs): Honey, I'm naked and the dog is loose in the front yard!\r\n\r\nHusband (downstairs): Hold on, I'll be right up!\r\n\r\nShe didn't appreciate the humor.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17967,
"title": "The Dog Is Loose!"
},
{
"body": "I just wrote this out of boredom. I do not care what you think. If you think this bad, I can't help but say, \"Go fuck yourself\".\r\n\r\nA couple had been fighting for quite a while. The husband is just craving for sex. One night when they're in bed:\r\n\r\nHusband: You know, it's fun.\r\nWife: Huh?\r\nHusband: It's fun!\r\nWife: What? What's up with you all of a sudden? What's fun?\r\nHusband: It's fun!\r\nWife: What is?\r\nHusband: IT'S fun!\r\nWife: Grrr. Fuck you!\r\nHusband: YEAH, THAT!",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17968,
"title": "Error 374: No Title Has Been Given to This Joke"
},
{
"body": "WIKIPEDIA: I know everything.\r\n\r\nGOOGLE: I have everything.\r\n\r\nFACEBOOK: I know everybody.\r\n\r\nINTERNET : You're all nothing without me.\r\n\r\nELECTRICITY: Keep talking, bitches!",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17969,
"title": "Technically Bragging . . ."
},
{
"body": "Q: Why did the witch buy a computer?\r\n\r\nA: She needed the spellcheck",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 17970,
"title": "Techno-witch"
},
{
"body": "A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? \"A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17971,
"title": "Jewish Anthropologist"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle.\r\n\r\nYo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.\r\n\r\nYo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.\r\n\r\nYo mama has one hand and a Clapper.\r\n\r\nYo mama has green hair and thinks she's a tree.\r\n\r\nYo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.\r\n\r\nYo mama has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.\r\n\r\nYo mama has a glass eye with a fish in it.\r\n\r\nYo mama has a short leg and walks in circles.\r\n\r\nYo mama has a short arm and can't applaude.\r\n\r\nYo mama has so many freckles she looks like a hamburger!\r\n\r\nYo mama has three fingers and a banjo.\r\n\r\nYo mama has a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.\r\n\r\nYo mama has a bald head with a part and sideburns.\r\n\r\nYo mama has a wooden leg with branches.\r\n\r\nYo mama has so many teeth missing, it looks like her tounge is in jail.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17972,
"title": "Yo Mama Has"
},
{
"body": "Yo moma so fat and retarded that she thinks shes skinny.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17973,
"title": "Yo Mama"
},
{
"body": "A Windows customer said when he closes his windows, they disappear.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 17974,
"title": "Windows."
},
{
"body": "Yo Mama is so FAT that when she turned around,it was her birhtday!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17975,
"title": "Yo Mama"
},
{
"body": "A blond was seen walking in a local mall wearing nothing but shoes, a shirt and nothing else.'\r\n\r\nWhen security stopped her and asked her what she thought she was doing, She replied, \"I saw a sign that said take half off and save money.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17976,
"title": "Half Off"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: The reason why we see lightening before we hear thunder is because light travels faster than sound.\r\n\r\nBlonde student: How do you explain a CLAPPER?",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17977,
"title": "Blonde"
},
{
"body": "A Japanese and an American are sitting next to each other in an airplane. The Japanese turns to the American and says \"We are so technically advanced that we have exact replicas of ourselves so we can be at two places at the same time\".\r\nHe continues, \"Therefore, I can be at work and at the same time have sex with my wife.\"\r\nAll this while the American stays silent, then suddenly gets up and starts shaking his hips back and forth.\r\nThe Japanese, confused, asks \"What the hell are you doing?\"\r\nThe American, still shaking his hips, replies \"I'm fucking my wife via Bluetooth!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17978,
"title": "Via Bluetooth"
},
{
"body": "Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.\r\n \r\nIn a Tokyo Hotel:\r\nIs forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.\r\n \r\nIn a Bucharest hotel lobby:\r\nThe lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.\r\n \r\nIn a Leipzig elevator:\r\nDo not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.\r\n \r\nIn a Belgrade hotel elevator:\r\nTo move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.\r\n \r\nIn a Paris hotel elevator:\r\nPlease leave your values at the front desk.\r\n \r\nIn a hotel in Athens:\r\nVisitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.\r\n \r\nIn a Yugoslavian hotel:\r\nThe flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.\r\n \r\nIn a Japanese hotel:\r\nYou are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.\r\n \r\nIn the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:\r\nYou are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.\r\n \r\nIn an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:\r\nNot to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.\r\n \r\nOn the menu of a Swiss restaurant:\r\nOur wines leave you nothing to hope for.\r\n \r\nOn the menu of a Polish hotel:\r\nSalad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.\r\n \r\nOutside a Hong Kong tailor shop:\r\nLadies may have a fit upstairs.\r\n \r\nIn a Bangkok dry cleaner's:\r\nDrop your trousers here for best results.\r\n \r\nOutside a Paris dress shop:\r\nDresses for street walking.\r\n \r\nIn a Rhodes tailor shop:\r\nOrder your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.\r\n \r\nA sign posted in Germany's Black forest:\r\nIt is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.\r\n \r\nIn a Zurich hotel:\r\nBecause of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.\r\n \r\nIn an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:\r\nTeeth extracted by the latest Methodists.\r\n \r\nIn a Rome laundry:\r\nLadies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.\r\n \r\nIn a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:\r\nTake one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.\r\n \r\nAdvertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:\r\nWould you like to ride on your own ass?\r\n \r\nIn a Swiss mountain inn:\r\nSpecial today -- no ice cream.\r\n \r\nIn a Bangkok temple:\r\nIt is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.\r\n \r\nIn a Tokyo bar:\r\nSpecial cocktails for the ladies with nuts.\r\n \r\nIn a Copenhagen airline ticket office:\r\nWe take your bags and send them in all directions.\r\n \r\nOn the door of a Moscow hotel room:\r\nIf this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.\r\n \r\nIn a Norwegian cocktail lounge:\r\nLadies are requested not to have children in the bar.\r\n \r\nIn a Budapest zoo:\r\nPlease do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.\r\n \r\nIn the office of a Roman doctor:\r\nSpecialist in women and other diseases.\r\n \r\nIn an Acapulco hotel:\r\nThe manager has personally passed all the water served here.\r\n \r\nIn a Tokyo shop:\r\nOur nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.\r\n \r\nFrom a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:\r\nCooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.\r\n \r\nFrom a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:\r\nWhen passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.\r\n \r\nTwo signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:\r\n- English well talking.\r\n- Here speeching American.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17979,
"title": "Funny English Signs From Around the World"
},
{
"body": "There are three moms. .\r\n\r\nA Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.\r\n\r\nThey were all talking one day and the brunette says \"Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I can't believe she smokes weed\"\r\n\r\nThey comfort her, and the redhead says \"Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I can't believe she has one\". So they all comfort her.\r\n\r\nThen the blonde says \"That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17980,
"title": "Blond Mother"
},
{
"body": "One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say \"I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say \"lettuce\" and if you want to go faster say \"tomatos\" \r\n\r\nSo they were getting it on and she was screaming \"lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos\"\r\n\r\nSuddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said\r\n\r\n\"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me\"!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17981,
"title": "Lettuce and Tomato"
},
{
"body": "A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.\r\n\r\n\"You all have obsessions,\" he observed.\r\n\r\nTo the first mother, he said, \"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.\"\r\n\r\nHe turned to the second mom. \"Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.\"\r\n\r\nAt this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, \"Come on, Dick, let's go",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17982,
"title": "Psychiatrist Observations"
},
{
"body": "One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,\"I'd like to buy this TV\".\r\n\r\nHe says,\"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes\".\r\n\r\nThe next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens.\r\n\r\nFinally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses.\r\n\r\nShe says, \"How the hell do you know I'm blonde?\".\r\n\r\n He replied, \"First of all, that's a microwave.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17983,
"title": "Blond Buys a Tv"
},
{
"body": "A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''",
"category": "Children",
"id": 17984,
"title": "Ugly Baby"
},
{
"body": "I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. \r\n\r\nAfter a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me . . . then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17985,
"title": "Pass Gas; Do Not Pass Go!"
},
{
"body": "A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.\r\n He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.\r\n While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: \"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.\" If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.\"\r\n To which his wife responds: \"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17986,
"title": "Convict"
},
{
"body": "An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.\r\n\r\n The doctor gave the man a jar and said, \"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.\" The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.\r\n\r\n The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained.\r\n\r\n \"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing; then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help - she tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.\"\r\n\r\n The doctor was shocked! \"You asked your neighbor?\" \r\n\r\n The old man replied, \"Yep, and none of us could get the jar open.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 17987,
"title": "Physical Exam"
},
{
"body": "A Mexican, an American, and a Pollock are all in an airplane Flying over Mexico.\r\nThe Mexican drops a pear on his country.\r\nWhen the American asks why he says he loves his country.\r\nThen they're flying over the US and the American drops an apple.\r\nWhen the Pollock asks why he says because he loves his country.\r\nThen they're flying over the Pollock's country and the Pollock drops a bomb.\r\nWhen the American and the Mexican ask why he says because he hates his country.\r\nA while later the Mexican is walking the streets and he sees a boy who is crying.\r\nHe asks why and the boy says because a pear fell out of the sky and hit him on the head.\r\nThe American is walking the streets and he sees a little girl crying.\r\nWhen he asks her why she says because an apple fell out ofthe sky and hit her on the head.\r\nThe Pollock is walking the streets and he comes to a man that is laughing.\r\nWhen he asks him why the man says, \"Because I farted and the building behind me blew up!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17988,
"title": "Mexican, American and a Pollock"
},
{
"body": "One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.\r\nBut the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.\r\nSoon comes a little girl that asks \"Sir, what's under the newspaper?\"\r\nThe man replies with \"it's a birdy and never ever touch it.\"\r\nHe soon falls asleep.\r\nLater on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask whathappened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.\r\nLater on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said \"well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17989,
"title": "At the Beach"
},
{
"body": "There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a gypsy and told her her problem.\r\nThe gypsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said \"All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you\".\r\nSo later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts \"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT\" and the woman says \"It's a pickled penis\"\r\nUnfortunately her husband replied \"PICKLE PENIS MY ASS\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 17990,
"title": "The Pickled Penis"
},
{
"body": "1. Cover your stump before you hump\r\n2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker\r\n3. Don't be silly, protect your willy\r\n4. When in doubt, shroud your spout\r\n5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner\r\n6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong\r\n7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it\r\n8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey\r\n9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize\r\n10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter\r\n11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick\r\n12. If you go into heat, package your meat\r\n13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis\r\n14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse\r\n15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member\r\n16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker\r\n17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool\r\n18. The right selection will protect your erection\r\n19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil\r\n20. A crank with armor will never harm her\r\n21. No glove, no love!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 17991,
"title": "Condom Slogans"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so old her social security number is 1!\r\nYo mama's so old she flicked the switch when god said let there be light!\r\nYo mama's so old that when she was in school there was nohistory class!\r\nYo mama's so old she's in Jesus's yearbook!\r\nYo mama's so old her birth certificate says expired on it!\r\nYo mama's so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince!\r\nYo mama's so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper!\r\nYo mama's so old she ran track with dinosaurs!\r\nYo mama's so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals!\r\nYo mama's so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook!\r\nYo mama's so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade!\r\nYo mama's so stupid when she saw the under 17 not admitted sign, she went home and got 16 friends!\r\nYo mama's so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!\r\nYo mama's so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!\r\nYo mama's so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!\r\nYo mama's so stupid that she sold the car for gas money!\r\nYo mama's so stupid she asked you \"What is the number for911?\"!\r\nYo mama's so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!\r\nYo mama's so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put \"O.K.\"!\r\nYo mama's so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 17992,
"title": "YO Mama"
},
{
"body": "How do you kill a dumb blonde? Put something shiny on the bottom of a pool.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17993,
"title": "Dumb Blonde"
},
{
"body": "What s green and hangs from a tree???\r\nGiraffe Boogers",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17994,
"title": "Tree"
},
{
"body": "Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, \"I'm going to become a lion tamer.\"\r\n\r\nThe other replies, \"That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming.\"\r\n\r\n\"Yes I do!\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, then I'll takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of\r\nthe cage.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 17996,
"title": "Lion Tamer"
},
{
"body": "I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......\r\n* she called me to get my phone number.\r\n* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said \"concentrate.\"\r\n* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.\r\n*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.\r\n*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.\r\n*she tried to drown a fish.\r\n*she thought a quarterback was a refund.\r\n*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.\r\n*she tripped over a cordless phone.\r\n*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.\r\n*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.\r\n*she studied for a blood test.\r\n*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.\r\n*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.\r\n*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.\r\n*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said\"Airport Left\" she turned around and went home",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17997,
"title": "Blonds are Dumb"
},
{
"body": "Did you hear about the blonde that...\r\nCouldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.\r\nGot excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said \"2 to 4 years\"\r\nCouldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.\r\nWhen asked what the capital of California was; answered \"C\".\r\nBaked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.\r\nAfter losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 17998,
"title": "Blond Jokes"
},
{
"body": "\"The news of bin Laden's death interrupted this week's episode of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Conan O'Brien\r\n\r\n\"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094David Letterman\r\n\r\n\"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Craig Ferguson\r\n\r\n\"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden's death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Craig Ferguson\r\n\r\n\"How about those Navy Seals. We're getting our money's worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden's compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094David Letterman\r\n\r\n\"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, \"I love all living things, but that guy was a dick.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Conan O'Brien",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 17999,
"title": "After Osama's Death. . ."
},
{
"body": "\"Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Craig Ferguson \r\n\r\n\"At a stop in Buffalo today, a woman walks up to President Obama and says, 'You're a hottie with a smokin' little body.' She said that to the president of the United States. I tell you, Betty White is out of control.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Jay Leno \r\n\r\n\"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Jimmy Fallon \r\n\r\n\"Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094David Letterman \r\n\r\n\"Obama is getting his mojo back. Apparently, he's going to get this financial package. That's right, the financial package is going through. He got healthcare. He got that nuclear weapons treaty... He's on a roll and he's taunting his critics. His new slogan is, 'Change You Can Suck On.'\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Bill Maher \r\n\r\n\"This is kind of crazy. I don't know if I believe this. A new Harris poll found that 57 percent of Republicans believe President Obama is a Muslim \u00e2\u0080\u0094 57 percent. 45 percent believe he was not born in the United States. 38 percent feel he's, quote, 'doing many of the things that Hitler did.' And 24 percent believe he may be the Antichrist. Oh, like Oprah would date the Antichrist.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Jimmy Kimmel\r\n\r\n\"After President Obama spoke, the Republicans gave their rebuttal, during which they pointed out that Obama has repeatedly failed to solve any of the problems they created under President Bush.\" -Jimmy Kimmel, on Obama's State of the Union Address\r\n\r\n\"A year into Obama's first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, \"Well, technically that is change.\" - Jimmy Fallon\r\n\r\n\"You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party.\" -Jay Leno\r\n\r\n\"Today, by the way, is our president, President Obama's, one-year anniversary in office. I looked it up. Traditionally on the first anniversary, you give paper, so, I got him his birth certificate.\" -Jimmy Kimmel\r\n\r\n\"That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.\" --Jay Leno\r\n\r\n\"The Nobel committee said he won for creating a new climate for international politics. which sounds so much nicer than 'In your face George Bush you cowboy a**hole.'\" --Bill Maher \r\n\r\n\"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass.\" --Conan O'Brien\r\n\r\n\"Conservatives say the award represents everything they stand against: black people, foreigners, and peace.\" --Bill Maher\r\n\r\n\"Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he's not too busy with the two wars he's conducting.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Bill Maher\r\n\r\n\"I thought it was very ironic that he won the Nobel Prize for peace on a day we bombed the moon.\" --Bill Maher\r\n\r\n\"President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee said they wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer.\" --Jay Leno\r\n\r\n\"The President held a press conference tonight in prime time. All the major networks carried it, except Fox. They ran the show 'Lie to Me' instead. Fox is something -- they killed President David Palmer off on '24,' they put his brother, President Wayne Palmer, into a permanent coma and now this. What does Fox have against black Presidents?\" --Jimmy Kimmel\r\n\r\n\"Today marks 100 days of President Obama being in office, which is a big deal because 100 days is when his warranty runs out. We couldn't return him now even if we wanted to.\" --Jimmy Kimmel\r\n\r\n\"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was.\" --Jay Leno \r\n\r\n\"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents.\" --Jay Leno \r\n\r\n\"Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it'll be cleaned up by future generations.\" --Jay Leno \r\n\r\n\"Well, the wait is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog. It is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice was a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion.\" --Jimmy Fallon \r\n\r\n\"President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'\" --Seth Meyers \r\n\r\n\"So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope.\" --Jay Leno \r\n\r\n\"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing.\" --Jay Leno \r\n\r\n\"It's a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That's quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million.\" --Craig Ferguson\r\n\r\n\"President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO's of BMW and Volkswagen.\" --David Letterman",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 18000,
"title": "Yes We Can -1"
},
{
"body": "\"President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, 'I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market...' Be careful what you wish for, 2012 is just around the corner!\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Jay Leno\r\n\r\n\"President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he's running on the slogan, 'I'm Michelle Obama's husband.'\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Conan O'Brien\r\n\r\n\"President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Craig Ferguson\r\n\r\n\"President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Jimmy Kimmel\r\n\r\n\"The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Jay Leno\r\n\r\n\"President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, 'Really?'\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Jimmy Fallon\r\n\r\n\"President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Jay Leno\r\n\r\n\"President Obama says that he prays every night before bed. Or as Fox News reported, 'Obama in Daily Talks With Allah.'\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Conan O'Brien\r\n\r\n\"They finally maybe struck a deal to avert a government shutdown. Of course, all on the Republican terms. You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Bill Maher\r\n\r\n\"President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Jimmy Fallon \r\n\r\n\"President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Conan O'Brien\r\n\r\n\"Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Bill Maher\r\n\r\n\"It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Jay Leno\r\n\r\n\"President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Jay Leno\r\n\r\n\"People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093David Letterman\r\n\r\n\"Well, President Obama said today he's going to use the gulf disaster to immediately push a new energy bill through Congress. I got an idea. How about first using the gulf disaster to fix the gulf disaster?\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Jay Leno",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 18001,
"title": "Yes We Can 2"
},
{
"body": "I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama 'cause his response to every question during the debates will be: 'Wait, I forget...Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn't it?'\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Craig Ferguson\r\n\r\n\"President Obama must be very happy because he finally took down his arch enemy: Donald Trump. The bin Laden announcement interrupted 'Celebrity Apprentice.'\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Craig Ferguson\r\n\r\n\"Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Craig Ferguson\r\n\r\n\"I don't like this new Obama who hunts Muslim extremists. I like the old Obama who WAS a Muslim extremist.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Stephen Colbert\r\n\r\n\"These people could have personally witnessed Obama being born out of an apple pie, in the middle of a Kansas wheat field, while Toby Keith sang the National Anthem \u00e2\u0080\u0094 and they'd still think he was a Kenyan Muslim.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Jimmy Kimmel\r\n\r\n\"President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, proving once and for all he was born in this country. But you know, it never ends. Now Republican leaders are saying they want to see the placenta.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Jay Leno\r\n\r\n\"President Obama released his long-form birth certificate yesterday. So we found the birth certificate. Now it's on to bin Laden.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093David Letterman\r\n\r\n\"Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The Governor of Hawaii just said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama, because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Conan O'Brien \r\n\r\n\"President Obama is slated to appear on one of Oprah's last shows. He's hoping it's the one on which she gives away 14 trillion dollars.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Conan O'Brien\r\n\r\n\"The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it \u00e2\u0080\u0094 just like he did with being president.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Jimmy Fallon\r\n\r\n\"Over the weekend, President Obama announced that he was running for a second term as president of the United States. There's a brand-new campaign slogan \u00e2\u0080\u0094 'Give me four more years to find my birth certificate.'\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094David Letterman\r\n\r\n\"President Obama, I guess, is starting to confess to some of his anxieties. In a recent interview, President Obama said, 'I miss being anonymous.' He said, 'In the old days, I could blend in with all the other Hawaiian Barack Hussein Obamas.'\" \u00e2\u0080\u0094Conan O'Brien\r\n\r\n\"President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? 'Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.'\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Jay Leno\r\n\r\n\"President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Jay Leno\r\n\r\n\"President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies.\" \u00e2\u0080\u0093Jimmy Kimmel",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 18002,
"title": "Yes We Can 3"
},
{
"body": "\"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation.\" Jay Leno.\r\n\r\n\"A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term.\" Conan O'Brien.\r\n\r\n\"President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave.'\" Jay Leno, on the debt deal.\r\n\r\n\"Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull.\" David Letterman, on the debt deal.\r\n\r\n\"President Obama said he'd be OK being a one-term President; and with that he shoved an iPhone down his pants and pressed 'send.'\" Conan O'Brien.\r\n\r\n\"President Obama said regarding the economy, 'The sky is not falling.' The poll numbers are falling, the market is falling, support for the war in Libya is falling, Anthony Weiner's pants are falling, but the sky is fine.\" Jay Leno.\r\n\r\n\"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they've granted President Obama full citizenship.\" David Letterman.\r\n\r\n\"Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have been elected if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies.\" Jimmy Fallon.\r\n\r\n\"President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That's right, bin Laden is dead \u00e2\u0080\u0094 just like the Republicans' chances in 2012.\" Jimmy Fallon.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 18003,
"title": "Yes We Can 4"
},
{
"body": "Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very\r\nattractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, \"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.\"\r\nWith that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, \"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!\" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... \"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!\" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes andquickly\r\ndeparted...\r\nThe dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, \"What did she roll?\" The other answered, \"I don't know - I thought you were watching.\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 18004,
"title": "Smart Blonde"
},
{
"body": "There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.\r\n\r\nThe next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.\r\n\r\nThe Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.\r\n\r\nShe has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.\r\n\r\nThe Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. \"I'm sorry,\" he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, \"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...\"\r\n\r\n\"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18005,
"title": "Tickle Me Elmo"
},
{
"body": "An elderly couple (BATTERY AND BOODLER) was attending mass.\r\n\r\nAbout halfway through, BOODLER leans over and says to BATTERY, \"I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?\"\r\n\r\nBATTERY replied, \"That was sexy. Put a new battery in your vibrator; then let's go home and fuck our brains out.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 18007,
"title": "Not So Horny"
},
{
"body": "The armies of the opposition have neared Washington, Paris and London. The governments of US, France and London did nothing about it. 'Sorry! We need to bomb (long list of African and Middle East countries) first.'",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 18008,
"title": "Nosey"
},
{
"body": "- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?\r\n- You can't have everything, where would you put it?\r\n- Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?\r\n- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of baldmen?\r\n- In a country of free speech why are there telephone bills?\r\n- If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18009,
"title": "Are You Sure"
},
{
"body": "On the eve of the First Boer War, thousands of blondes lined the streets campaigning for animal rights. 'If it's illegal for human women, it's gotta be the same for swine,' said one activist.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 18010,
"title": "Boer Wars"
},
{
"body": "Here is a fragment of a crossword puzzle. Note that this crossword puzzle contains abbreviations and acronyms.\r\n\r\nS O _\r\n\r\nClue: An insult related to a female animal.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnswer: Sow.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18012,
"title": "Another Crossword Puzzle"
},
{
"body": "Here is a fragment of a crossword puzzle.\r\n\r\nP _ O _ _ _\r\n\r\nClue: Something that is often brown and hard to clean.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nAnswer: Poodle.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18013,
"title": "Brown and Stinky"
},
{
"body": "A lawyer is talking to a *fellow* politician. 'I'm going to Switzerland next month,' said the honest politician. 'Oh really?' asked the lawyer. 'Which bank?'",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 18014,
"title": "Switzerland"
},
{
"body": "What did the father buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?\r\n\r\n- Bison!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18015,
"title": "Buffalo Dad"
},
{
"body": "If Bob the Butcher is 5'11'' what does he weigh?\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n-Meat",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 18016,
"title": "Bob the Butcher"
},
{
"body": "A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, \"I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?\"\r\n\r\nThe owner replies, \"I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 18017,
"title": "When Aliens Attack!"
},
{
"body": "What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? \r\n\r\nDepreciation.",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 18018,
"title": "Poor Accountants"
},
{
"body": "A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, \"Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?\" The wife replies, \"Cut it off and shove it up his ass!\" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, \"It fucking hurts doesn't it!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 18019,
"title": "Payback in the Worst Place"
},
{
"body": "Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The guys go along there, only to be told by receptionist at the hotel that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not happy, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.\r\n \r\nThat night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says, \r\n\"I dreamt I had the best wank last night.\" \r\nThe guy on the left side says, \r\n\"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!\". \r\nThe guy in the middle says, \"I dreamt I was skiing.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 18020,
"title": "Don't Share the Same Bed"
},
{
"body": "A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, \"Cruise Special -- $99!\"\r\n\r\nSo she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, \"I'd like the $99 cruise special, please.\"\r\n\r\nThe agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.\r\n\r\nA second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.\r\n\r\nSomehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, \"Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?\"\r\n\r\nThe second blonde replies,\"They didn't last year....\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 18021,
"title": "Cruise Special"
},
{
"body": "A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. \"Put these on,\" he said to his wife. She did and they were obviously much too large. \"There's no way I can wear these - they're way too big,\" she said. \"Good! Now you know who wears the pants in this family,\" replied the husband.\r\n\r\nFlustered, the wife removed her panties, and handing them to her husband said, \"Put these on.\" The husband looked at the tiny panties and said, \"There's no way I can get into these.\" To which the wife replied, \"You're damn right! At least not until you change your attitude!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 18022,
"title": "Who Wears The Pants?"
},
{
"body": "CAT:\r\n\r\n1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.\r\n\r\n2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.\r\n\r\n3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.\r\n\r\n4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.\r\n\r\n5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.\r\n\r\n6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.\r\n\r\n7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.\r\n\r\n8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.\r\n\r\n9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.\r\n\r\n10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.\r\n\r\n11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.\r\n\r\n12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.\r\n\r\n13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.\r\n\r\n14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.\r\n\r\n15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.\r\n\r\nDOG: \r\n\r\n1) Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18023,
"title": "How to Give a Pill to a Cat and Dog"
},
{
"body": "An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.\r\n\r\nUnable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.\r\n\r\nAt the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:\r\n\r\nDearest Wife,\r\n\r\nJust got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.\r\n\r\nYour Loving Husband.\r\n\r\nP.S. Sure is hot down here.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 18024,
"title": "Note to Wife"
},
{
"body": "A man, trying to understand the nature of God, asked Him, \"God, how long is a million years to you?\" God answered, \"A million years is like a minute.\" Then the man asked, \"God, how much is a million dollars to you?\" And God replied, \"A million dollars is like a penny.\" Finally, the man asked, \"God, could you give me a penny?\" And God said, \"In a minute.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 18025,
"title": "Heaven Can Wait"
},
{
"body": "A fact of life:\r\nAfter Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18027,
"title": "Its True and You Can't Deny it"
},
{
"body": "An actual sign outside a house:\r\nThe dog is okay. Beware of the owner",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18028,
"title": "Funny Sign"
},
{
"body": "The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.\r\n\r\nOf course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.",
"category": "Lawyer",
"id": 18029,
"title": "Now THAT is High Resolution"
},
{
"body": "Doctor: What is it that brought you here?\r\n\r\nPatient: An ambulance. Why?",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 18030,
"title": "Obvious"
},
{
"body": "One time I was walking and I saw a deer then a turkey comes out and the turkey and deer interact by speaking in human words then all of a sudden a really bright light formed and the deer and turkey have fused to make a durkey a dear and turkey combined it has a head of a deer and the body of the turkey after that this was on the news and they said it could be seen from Africa(No permanent eye damage was reported)so then a passer by the next day(I was in that same area where the turkey and deer fused)took the durkey and that guy who ate it became that same turkey(The one the deer talked to before fusing)but the good ole friend the deer was gone that passer by became the turkey but the deer got eaten the normal way.This should keep you laughing for hours",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18031,
"title": "The Strange Deer"
},
{
"body": "A spanish speaking person was eating breakfast they where having english muffins the rest of the family was English(The Spanish speaking guy was adopted)so he was eating an English muffin after that he tried to say Uno but instead was completely English Wierd",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18032,
"title": "The English Muffin"
},
{
"body": "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went...\r\nthen it dawned on me.\r\n\r\nReading a book on levitation...\r\ncouldn't put it down.\r\n\r\nI should have been sad when I lost my flashlight...\r\nbut I was de-lighted.\r\n\r\nI was wondering why the frisbee got bigger as it got closer to me...\r\nthen it hit me.\r\n\r\nI gave away dead batteries... free of charge!\r\nI had amnesia once... maybe twice.\r\n\r\nSee more: http://punraccoon.tumblr.com/",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 18033,
"title": "Punny Racoon"
},
{
"body": "33% of men use their left hand to pee. 67% of men use their right hand. 89% wanted to know why I'm watching them pee.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 18034,
"title": "Men Peeing"
},
{
"body": "One day, a kindergarten teacher, who was incidentally blonde, gave everybody a set of crayons and told them to draw something with it.\r\n\r\nThe teacher noticed that Little Johnny had drawn a sun enclosed in a box with rays shining out of it.\r\n\r\n'Johnny,' said the teacher with a confused look. 'Did your grandparents come from Japan?'\r\n\r\n'No, Macedonia,' said the colour blind child.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 18035,
"title": "The Sun"
},
{
"body": "When you look up Yahoo! Answers on Yahoo! search, it tells you it's deleted according to community guidelines. When you look it up on Google Search, it's restored according to Google Cache's workings.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18036,
"title": "Yahoo/Google Rivalry"
},
{
"body": "My dog Minton has eaten my shuttle cock. Bad Minton!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18037,
"title": "Badminton"
},
{
"body": "The European union has decided the only way to avoid Greece defaulting on its debts is to replace the government and civil service with 300 Spartans !",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 18038,
"title": "300"
},
{
"body": "Dreams are like underpants. You've got 'em, but you can't prove you do by showing it to everyone.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 18039,
"title": "Dreams"
},
{
"body": "My wife and I were at an outdoor shopping mall, and I came across what I thought was a 'life-sized' chess board. So I began playing chess solo. Ten moves in, my wife comes by and says, \"Honey, that's a cr\u00c3\u00a8che!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18040,
"title": "Chess or Creche?"
},
{
"body": "What is the world's sharpest thing?\r\n\r\nA fart! It goes through your pants without leaving a hole!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18041,
"title": "World's Sharpest Thing."
},
{
"body": "What is striped and lays eggs?\r\nA chicken in jail!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18042,
"title": "Striped Joke"
},
{
"body": "Child: Mum, can I wear those really nice jeans with the hole in the knee to church?\r\nMother: No honey, you can't wear holy jeans to church!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 18043,
"title": "Church"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Johnny, where is your homework?\r\n\r\nJohnny: Its on Facebook. I've uploaded a copy and tagged you. Please login and verify it later.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 18044,
"title": "A Virus Ate My Homework"
},
{
"body": "One day Barney was driving his \"Drugmobile\" down the street and a cop pulled him over, said; \"Something screwy is goin' on here, hey don't I know you!\" and was about to put handcuffs on Barney but, Barney quickly said: \"Oh crap, there's a J-Walker\" and ran away to his drug mobile.\r\n The cop said: \"Come here J-Walker\".\r\n \"Works every time\" Barney said as he drove away.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18045,
"title": "Barney Gets Off Easy"
},
{
"body": "Hey, I saw you in Dunkin' donuts yesterday!!\r\n You're the one ordering triple chocolate, double vanilla, quadrupal cinnamon and double whip cream dounut filled with sprinkles.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18046,
"title": "Thngs Not To Say To A Cop #1"
},
{
"body": "Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. \r\nThe other two are really worried. \"What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!\"\r\n\r\n\"No,\" the driver says, \"it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.\r\n\r\nThe police officer then walks up and says, \"You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh, no, officer,\" says the driver, pointing to his forehead, \"We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18047,
"title": "Drunk Driving"
},
{
"body": "Do you know what \"Never say Never\" sounds like ? its like your teacher at your classroom screaming at you and saying \"don't say fuck in class!\"\r\n\r\nJustin Bieber's mother often tells his friends stories of when he was little. The stories are from a few months ago.\r\n\r\nWho's that girl singing? Oh...Wait...Thats justin beiber\r\n\r\nI called Justin Bieber gay, and he slapped me with his purse.\r\n\r\nYo Usher! Are you coming out tonight? -Nah I'm babysitting Justin Bieber!\r\n\r\nJustin Bieber always sings about girls... she must be a lesbian.\r\n\r\nHey you guys are so mean to Justin, leave HER alone!\r\n\r\nJustin Bieber kept video of himself striping in YouTube, which caught the attention of gay manager and next day he became star.\r\n\r\nIn an interview with MTV News, Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe said that when he heard Justin Bieber sing for the first time, he thought he was a woman. That's ridiculous. Justin Bieber is not a woman. He's a girl.\r\n\r\nIn next season of Disney's Hannah Montana , Justin will be playing the role of Hannah Montana.\r\n\r\nJustin Bieber is the Brand Ambassadors of sanitary pads.\r\n\r\nJustin Bieber is using hair growing oil to get puberty .",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18048,
"title": "Dustbin Bieber"
},
{
"body": "Miley Cyrus shaves more often than Justin Bieber.\r\n\r\nIt seems he is using her older sisters in his videos.\r\n\r\nMost of the Justin's concert are free because no one is willing to pay for it.\r\n\r\nPolice are now using Justin Bieber's songs as torture devices.\r\n\r\nEven deaf cannot resist the song of Justin Bieber.\r\n\r\nKim Kardashian received death threats from Justin Bieber fans after he jokingly tweeted that she was his girlfriend. One Justin Bieber fan tweeted that she will use her lunch money to hire a hit man.\r\n\r\nQ. What's the difference between Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga ?\r\nA. One of them has balls and it ain't Bieber.\r\n\r\nJustin Biebers new song is \"if i were a boy\".\r\n\r\nYou've got to feel sorry for JB .............. She's under extreme pressure with all the hype surrounding her.\r\n\r\nQ: How to make Justin Bieber cry?\r\nA: Tell him Santa's not real!\r\n\r\nJustin Beiber fell off the ladder trying to reach puberty .\r\n\r\nJustin Beiber will star on next transformer movie , his name in transformer will be \"Faggatron\" .\r\n\r\nQ: When will Justin Bieber win the Grammy ?\r\nA: After Justin Bieber hits the puberty , damn he will never win Grammy then.\r\n\r\nJB wants new Barbie Doll kit as christmas gift .",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18049,
"title": "JustTeen Barber"
},
{
"body": "Justin Beiber doesn't need mic to sing , no one needs mic for lip-syncing .\r\n\r\nQ: Why did the Chicken cross the Road?\r\nA:To get away from Justin Bieber!!!\r\n\r\nJUSTIN: mom i think i finally hit puberty\r\nMOM: really? how do u know?\r\nJUSTIN: I'm bleeding from my vagina.\r\n\r\nStop making fun of him. Every time you make fun of him, you're making fun of someone's daughter.\r\n\r\nInstead of saying when pigs fly say when justin beiber hits pueberty.\r\n\r\nAccording to E! , Justin Bieber and Usher is in relationship and was found on late night dating. They will marry once Justin turns 18.\r\n\r\n\"Justin Bieber Finally hit the Puberty\" was the biggest April Fool Joke of the Year .\r\n\r\n13yrs old Girl got detention for misspelling \"Believers\" as \"BELIBERS\".\r\n\r\nThe Justin Bieber song \"Baby\" is the official theme song of Gay Association .\r\n\r\nObama : We are going through major crisis , all the teen girls are becoming Lesbian.\r\nPress : How can you tell than ?\r\nObama : Because they fantasize sex with Justin Bieber",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18050,
"title": "Justin Boobie"
},
{
"body": "illy Ray Cyrus: Hey Miley, When did you record that song ?\r\nMiley Cyrus : That's Justin Bieber song .\r\n\r\nJustin Bieber is borrowing cloths from Lady Gaga for her next video .\r\n\r\nQ: Why Justin Biebers use elevator most of the time ?\r\nA: To reach puberty as soon as possible.\r\n\r\nYour momma is so stupid that she think Justin Bieber is a Guy .\r\n\r\nYour mother is so stupid that she think Justin Bieber can sing.\r\n\r\nKim Kardasian : I think i got \" Bieber Fever\"\r\nDoctor : No it is \"Herpes\".\r\n\r\nJustin staring at Gibson Guitar , \" What is this thing , it has 6 strings. My guitar at home has 5 buttons .\r\n\r\nWhat does Justin Bieber and the crowd at Time Square for new years have in common? They're both waiting for balls to drop!\r\n\r\nQ:: Why did Justin Bieber Crossed the road ?\r\nA:: To reach the puberty .\r\n\r\nJustin Biebers not gay, just ask his boyfriend!\r\n\r\nSelena Gomez will Never get a boy-friend,\r\nNext day news: \"Selena and Justin in Relation\"\r\nTold you, she turned lesbian .\r\n\r\nThere were three guys the 1st guy says, \"I must have the smallest head in the world\". The 2nd guy says, \"I must have the smallest arms in the world\". The Third says, \"I must have the smallest penis in the world\". Then they go to the Guinness World Records and the 1st guy says, \"I do have the smallest head in the world\". The 2nd guy says \"I do have the smallest arm in the world\" The Third barges in mad and says, \"who the fuck is this Justin Bieber!\".\r\n\r\nReal Name of JB is DustBin Bieber.\r\n\r\nWho is Gay ?\r\nJustin Bieber : \"That should be me\"\r\n\r\nJustin Bieber is sad that his record for most disliked youtube video is broken by Rebecca Black\r\n\r\nThis news is epic , 27years old Justin Bieber look alike women.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18051,
"title": "Just-in Bieber"
},
{
"body": "A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane... The lady said to him, \"Can you help me remove something from my breast please?\"\r\n\r\nThe exciting young man replied, \"Wow! It will be my pleasure... So what is it?\"\r\n\r\n\"Your eyes, idiot!\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 18052,
"title": "Eye Spy"
},
{
"body": "One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, \"thumpety thump, thumpety thump\". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, \"\"thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, \"thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap\". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, \"thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH\" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, \"thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, \"thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap\". He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - \"thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash\". Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of robutusin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!",
"category": "Medical",
"id": 18053,
"title": "One Halloween Night...."
},
{
"body": "I think my smartphone is broken. I keep pressing the Home button, but I'm still working.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 18054,
"title": "My Smartphone"
},
{
"body": "Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth. Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag. Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and carefully pours 2 drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and quickly go limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water.\r\nA few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with 2 frogs in its mouth.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18055,
"title": "Old Bubba"
},
{
"body": "\u00e2\u0080\u00aa16.\u00e2\u0080\u00acA tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ''That'll be $5000.'' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ''That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?'' The shopkeeper answered, ''Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.'' The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ''That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?'' ''Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,'' said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ''That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?'' The shopkeeper replied, ''Well, I don't actually know, but the other two called him boss.''",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18056,
"title": "Smart Monkeys"
},
{
"body": "Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18057,
"title": "My Dream is to Become..."
},
{
"body": "Every time I hear the dirty word \"Exercise\", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18058,
"title": "The Dirtiest Word I Know"
},
{
"body": "Today's school kids are spending less time at recess than their predecessors. Experts say if the trends continues, future Congressmen may not have enough experience goofing off.",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 18059,
"title": "News Flash"
},
{
"body": "Sitting next to each other on a plane are a blond woman and a lawyer. To make the plane ride a bit more interesting, the lawyer suggests that he and the blond play a game. \"We each take turns asking a question, and if you answer wrong you must give me $5 and if I answer wrong I give you $5.\"\r\n\r\nThe blond woman says nothing. \"Okay,\" says the man, \"if I answer wrong, I have to give you $50, but if you answer wrong you only have to give me $5.\"\r\n\r\n\"Alright,\" says the blond, \"you go first.\"\r\n\r\nThe man asks her \"what is the distance from Earth to the nearest star?\" the woman says nothing and hands $5 to the man.\r\n\r\n\"What has five legs, is covered in pink and purple spots, and lives on a hill?\"\r\n\r\nThe lawyer, never having heard this riddle, gave the woman $50. \"Wait,\" he said, \"what is the answer to that question?\" \r\n\r\nWithout saying a word, the woman hands him $5.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 18060,
"title": "The Blond and the Lawyer"
},
{
"body": "An old lady walks into a bank and says, \"I would like to set up an account.\"\r\n\r\nThe man at the desk says, \"Okay, how much would you like to deposit?\"\r\n\r\nThe woman replies, \"$5,000.\"\r\n\r\n\"Wow!\" says the man, \"where did you get all of that?\"\r\n\r\n\"I like to make bets.\"\r\n\r\n\"What type of bets?\"\r\n\r\nThe woman replied, \"Tomorrow when, I will come in, you will have a butterfly tattoo an your left buttock. I will bet all the money I am about to deposit.\"\r\n\r\n\"Deal,\" says the man.\r\n\r\nThe next day the old woman walked in again with her lawyer. the man at the counter pulled down his pants to show the old woman his empty left buttock.\r\n\r\n\"I win!\" he said as the woman handed him his money.\r\n\r\nBehind her, the lawyer put his head in his hands. \"What's wrong with that guy?\" he asked.\r\n\r\nThe old woman replied, \"He is just a sore loser. I bet him $10,000 that the man at the counter of this bank would moon us.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18061,
"title": "The Old Lady's Bet"
},
{
"body": "A man was solving a crossword. For a four-letter word there was a clue: Look at the picture !\r\nThe man entered:\r\nI see .",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18063,
"title": "Crossword Picture"
},
{
"body": "- How many blonds do you need to change a lightbulb ?\r\n- Hundred. One holds the lightbulb and the other ninety nine rotates the house.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 18064,
"title": "Lightbulb"
},
{
"body": "- What does a blond say to a two headed monster ?\r\n- Hello ! Hello !",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 18065,
"title": "Two Headed Monster"
},
{
"body": "- How to make a blond busy ?\r\n- Put her in a circle room and tell her to find a corner.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 18066,
"title": "Busy But Stupid"
},
{
"body": "- How to keep a blonde busy?\r\n- Tie up both sides of a rope together. Give the tied rope to the blonde and tell her to find the end.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 18067,
"title": "Busy But Stupid 2"
},
{
"body": "there was a man who lived in a small town who did not talk much to his neighbors. the only thing they knew about him was the fact that he always had the precise time, because every day at 3:00 pm (no later, no sooner) he took a walk, and came back at exactly 3:30 pm (no later, no sooner). this man was always so perfectly on time that everyone set their clocks to him, including the clock tower. one day one of the man's neighbors walked up to the old man and asked, \"how do you keep your clocks so precise?\" \"simple,\" replied the old man, \"i just set it to the old clock tower.\"\r\n\r\nwho's clock was set off whose?",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18068,
"title": "Clocks"
},
{
"body": "Michael and Beth are married, Beth is a smoker but Michael thinks smoking is horrible.\r\n\r\nOne night she started smoking after they finished having sex and Michael said, \"Would you please stop smoking, you're going to kill yourself.\"\r\n\r\nBeth, in return, said, \"Sometimes I just need to get in a smoke after sex, do you have a problem with that?\"\r\n\r\nHe replied, \"Yes, because they stunt your growth among other things.\"\r\n\r\nBeth asked Michael if he's ever smoked, to which he proudly said no.\r\n\r\nWith a smug Beth lowered her gaze to his groin and said, \"So, what's your excuse?\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 18069,
"title": "Smoking Doesn't Just Stunt Your Growth"
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?\r\nThe position of the dirt bag.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 18070,
"title": "Rude Joke"
},
{
"body": "Why is divorce so expensive?\r\nBecause it's worth it.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 18071,
"title": "Marriage"
},
{
"body": "What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?\r\n100 people who don't do dick.",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 18072,
"title": "Politics"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a smart blonde?\r\nA golden retriever.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 18073,
"title": "My Joke"
},
{
"body": "Two mates calles mik and mak went to the Australia vs England game. It was mik`s birthday, and mik gave mak a ride and mak took mik`s birthday present with him.He went to get it while mik wached the 4th over. Mak said to mik i`ve got some bad news for you buddy. Your car was actually a car bomb and blew up...but mik interupted by saying Well makky, mate I`ve got some bad news for you. what? mak asked. Ricky ponting`s out,he replied",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 18074,
"title": "Bad News"
},
{
"body": "Yo mama's so fat that when she took her first step everyone thought there was an earthquake.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 18075,
"title": "Yo Mamas"
},
{
"body": "Yo Mamma so ugly when she looked at a baby, the baby turned to stone.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 18076,
"title": "Ahhhhh!"
},
{
"body": "How many blondes does it take to put in a light bulb? 1000. 1 to screw in the light bulb; 1 to give the light bulb to the person who'll screw in a light bulb and 998 to find the light bulb.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 18077,
"title": "Blonde"
},
{
"body": "How do you keep a blonde busy?\r\nWrite with a sharpie and tell her to erase it.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 18078,
"title": "Busy Blonde"
},
{
"body": "How can you tell if someone is a true blonde?\r\n\r\nThey clean their hair with air conditioner.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 18079,
"title": "Stupid Blonde"
},
{
"body": "Do you know the Chinese nickname for the Dutch politician Geert Wilders? Answer: Dum Thing!",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 18080,
"title": "Chinese Nickname"
},
{
"body": "My girl told me she was trying to lose weight, so I said, \"Do whatever makes you happy inside. Just keep in mind that your weight's just a number. There's no number in the world to measure how beautiful you are . . . unless you include negative numbers.\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 18082,
"title": "Great Boyfriend"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so old she met a T Rex in pre-school.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 18083,
"title": "Old Blues"
},
{
"body": "Have you heard about the sauna that serves food?\r\n\r\nTheir specialty is steamed mussels.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 18087,
"title": "Sauna Restaurant"
},
{
"body": "god told moses to come forth but he tripped on a banana peel and came fifth",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 18088,
"title": "Pesky Banana Peels"
},
{
"body": "Class was starting, and the teacher was taking attendance. She noticed that two of her top students were missing.\r\n\r\nRight after that, Billy came in. She asks him, \"Why are you late?\" He replies, \"I was just on top of Blueberry Hill.\" The teacher tells him to sit.\r\n\r\nA few minutes later Timmy comes in. The teacher asks him, \"Why are you late?\" He replies, \"I was just on top of Blueberry Hill.\" She tells him to sit.\r\n\r\nA few minutes later a new girl walks into class. The teacher says, \"Oh you must be the new girl. What's your name?\"\r\n\r\nThe girl replies, \"I'm Blueberry Hill.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18089,
"title": "Blueberry Hill"
},
{
"body": "One day Jenny's parents decided to go out to eat and see a movie. They tell her not to have anyone over. So her parents leave. About 15 minutes later she hears the doorbell ring. \"Oh my boyfriend is here.\" She opens the door to bring him upstairs to do some stuff. About an hour later the doorbell rings and she says, \"Shit my second boyfriend is here!\" So she stuffs her first boyfriend into a closet full of bones. She opens the door and brings her second boyfriend upstairs to do some stuff. About an hour later the doorbell rings again and she says, \"Shit my third boyfriend is here!\" So she stuffs her second boyfriend into a closet of feathers. She opens the door and brings her third boyfriend upstairs to do some stuff. About an hour later she hears the front door open and she says, \"Shit my parents are home!\" So she stuffs her third boyfriend into a closet full of used tampons. About five years later she remembers that her boyfriends were in the closet. She opens the first closet and finds bones and more bones. She opens the second closet and finds feathers and bones. She opens the third closet to find her boyfriend. She says to him, \"How did you survive after all these years?\" He replies, \"I just ate the jelly filled donuts.\"",
"category": "Gross",
"id": 18090,
"title": "Jelly Donuts"
},
{
"body": "Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 18091,
"title": "Impossible"
},
{
"body": "Yo mamma is so fat she walked into the GAP and filled it.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 18092,
"title": "Gap"
},
{
"body": "How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\r\n\r\nSixteen. One to screw it in and fifteen to form a support group.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 18093,
"title": "Feminists"
},
{
"body": "What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?\r\n\r\nSanta only has three Ho's.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 18094,
"title": "Tiger Woods"
},
{
"body": "I saw on the news a little boy being carried up to the sky. I got scared cause I thought Michael Jackson was ordering take-out from Heaven.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18095,
"title": "M.J."
},
{
"body": "A couple was driving down the street and they hear a siren going off. They pull over to the side and wait for the cop to come over. The cop comes up and they see that it's Officer Alf.\r\n\r\nThe man groans cause Alf is the rudest cop in town. Alf asks the man for his license and registration. The man gives it to him and Alf rudely rips it out of his hands and tells the man to wait. When he comes back he sneezes and his face turns red. The man says bless you and asks why his face is so red. Alf replies, \"I get this way when it's about to rain. Anyway, here is your ticket for speeding.\" He walks away gruffly.\r\n\r\nThe man looks up to see nothing but a clear blue sky. He starts driving again; a few minutes later it starts to pour down. He arrives home grumbling.\r\n\r\nHis wife turns to him and says, \"I guess rude Alf the red knows rain dear.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18097,
"title": "Rude Alf"
},
{
"body": "There was a king who was very greedy; he ruled a land called Drid. Every day he would take all the money and food the Drids had that day. This had gone on for years and the Drids were sick of it.\r\n\r\nOne day a rabbi walked into the town and saw that all the people were unhappy. He went to a man and asked him what was wrong. The man replied, \"Our king takes all of our food and money and we hardly have anything. He lives wealthily while many of us starve.\"\r\n\r\nThe rabbi pondered thus for a minute and said to the man, \"Gather up all your people. I have an idea.\" Later that night, all the people were gathered in the town square. The man said to them, \"You guys need to stand up for yourselves. Have any of you actually tried to talk with this king?\" The townspeople all murmured. \"Well, one of you should talk to him tomorrow and demand he stops.\" One man stood up and said he would do it.\r\n\r\nThe next day the man and the rabbi went up to the king's castle which was up high on a hill. He said to the king, \"Please, oh great king, your people are starving and we have no money. Could you please spare us some of what we make?\" The king was infuriated; he kicked the man down the hill. The rabbi watched as the king did this. Later that night the rabbi had the same speech and said they need to bargain with the king. Another man volunteered.\r\n\r\nThe next day the man and the rabbi walked up the hill to the king. The man said to the king, \"Oh great king, would you please let us have some of our money and food back? We will double our crop and still give you most but could you spare us some?\" The king was even more infuriated and kicked the man down the hill. The rabbi was astonished. He gathered the townspeople in the center and declared that he would go talk to the king.\r\n\r\nThe next day the Rabbi walked up the hill by himself to the king. \"King!\" he roared. \"I have traveled far and wide and when I came to your town I saw that your people were unhappy. I have found out what you were doing to them. I am appalled! They are treated poorly and you must stop taking your people's food or they all will starve to death!\"\r\n\r\nThe king pondered this for a moment and said to the rabbi, \"I have heard what you have to say and I will stop stealing from my townspeople. I have enough wealth already, I guess I could spare them.\"\r\n\r\nThe rabbi had one more question for the king. \"Why do you kick your townpeople down the hill?\"\r\n\r\nThe king laughed and replied, \"Silly rabbi; kicks are for Drids.\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 18099,
"title": "The Drids"
},
{
"body": "Hitler walks into a bar; he's depressed. He goes up to the counter and orders three shots. The bartender gives them to him and Hitler downs them. Hitler orders three more shots; the bartender gives them to him and Hitler downs them. Hitler orders three more shots. The bartender asks Hitler why he's so depressed.\r\n\r\nHitler replies, \"Give me the shots and I'll tell you,\" so the bartender gives him the shots and he downs them. Then the bartender asks why he's so depressed. Hitler replies, \"I just killed six millions Jews and a clown.\"\r\n\r\nThe bartender replies, \"Why a clown?\"\r\nHitler says, \"See? Nobody cares about the Jews!\"",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 18100,
"title": "Hitler"
},
{
"body": "A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all apply for the same job. The manager says, \"I can only hire one of you so I'm going to ask you each a question and whoever answers it correctly gets the job.\" He takes the brunette into the room and asks her, \"How many D's in Indiana Jones?\" She replies, \"One.\"\r\n\r\nHe brings the redhead into the room and asks her the same question. She thinks for a moment and says, \"One.\"\r\n\r\nHe then brings the blonde into the room and asks her the same question; \"How many D's in Indiana Jones?\"\r\n\r\nShe thinks for a little. She counts on her fingers, counts on her toes, wiggles her ears, sticks out her tongue and finally comes up with, \"Thirty Six.\"\r\n\r\nThe rest of them ask her, \"How the hell did you come up with thirty six?!\"\r\n\r\nShe replies with a smile on her face, \"Da da da da, da da da.\" (Sing the Indiana Jones theme song)",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 18101,
"title": "Getting a Job"
},
{
"body": "Santa Claus, a Boy Scout, and a smart blonde jump out of a plane. Who lands first?\r\n\r\nThe Boy Scout, because the other two don't exist.",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 18104,
"title": "Plane"
},
{
"body": "The Pope, the smartest man in the world, a father, and a son were in a plane that was going to crash. There were only three parachutes in the plane. The Pope says to them, \"I need a parachute because I am worshiped by many people of religion.\" So he takes a parachute and jumps. \r\n\r\nThe smartest man in the world says, \"I am the smartest man in the world so I deserve a parachute.\" He takes a parachute and jumps.\r\n\r\nThe father then looks at the son and says, \"I have lived a long life and I think you should take a parachute because you have so much to live for.\"\r\n\r\nThe little boy looks at the dad and says, \"It's alright daddy. We can both go. The smartest man in the world took my backpack.\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18105,
"title": "Jumping From a Plane"
},
{
"body": "How many Dominicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? \r\n\r\nTwo. Dominican one to hold the bulb and Dominican two to turn Dominican one",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 18106,
"title": "How Many Dominicans?"
},
{
"body": "Teacher: Billy, tell me the periodic for water.\r\nBilly:Okay. H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.\r\nTeacher: What makes you say that?\r\nBilly: You said it was H to O.",
"category": "Children",
"id": 18107,
"title": "H to O"
},
{
"body": "What do you get if you cross a dinosaur, a tiger, a crocodile, a spider, and a elephant?\r\n I don't know but you better get out of it's way!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18108,
"title": "What Do You Get..."
},
{
"body": "What happens to you if you can not read?\r\nWell, since you'll probably be staying in Kindergarten, less homework!",
"category": "Children",
"id": 18109,
"title": "If You Don't Know How to Read, Find Another Joke."
},
{
"body": "Joe:Why did the cow cross the road? \r\nBob:The chicken quit.\r\nJoe:why did the chicken quit?\r\nBob: He wanted a job that would give him more buck-buck-bucks.\r\nJoe: Hey! Why is why is that duck crossing the road?\r\nBob: I don't know. Maybe the cow qu- Hey! Why am I talking to you? I don't even know you!\r\nJoe: Why don't you kno-\r\nBob: Shut up!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18110,
"title": "Chickens, Cows, Ducks, and Roads"
},
{
"body": "Ever since Rhianna got dumped by her boyfriend, she put all the stuff that was his or made her remember him she put : \" to the left to the left... in the box on the left...\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 18111,
"title": "Do Not Touch That!"
},
{
"body": "Science Teacher: Now, now class settle down. Today we will be learning about Biology.\r\nGirl: Oh boy! An entire unit about buying! I've bought a lot of things like earrings, and rings, and necklaces, and bracelets...\r\nMath Teacher: Okay class. Today we will be learning about subtraction.\r\nBoy: Hooray! I know everything there is to know about sub tracks because my father owns a train station. did you know that sub tracks are like regular tracks but...",
"category": "Children",
"id": 18112,
"title": "School, School, School!"
},
{
"body": "Basketball hoops are like misdemeanor. The more I miss it da meanor I get.",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 18113,
"title": "Basketball Hoops and Misdemeanor"
},
{
"body": "A boy and his mom were playing the new game of life were you could put your house were you wanted it. The boy put it on the left side. On his next turn he moved it onto the right side. The mom asked why he did that and he said, \"I wanted to live on the other side of life.\"",
"category": "Children",
"id": 18114,
"title": "The New Game of Life"
},
{
"body": "Why did the 12 watt lightbulb drop out of school?\r\nIt wasn't very bright.",
"category": "Lightbulb",
"id": 18115,
"title": "So Long Light Bulb!"
},
{
"body": "Register lots of accounts, with each account voting for it as least comedy. If its average comedy drops below 0.5, it will be automatically deleted.",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 18117,
"title": "How to Ruin a Joke on Wocka"
},
{
"body": "Trousers: Hot off the press .\r\n\r\n. . . / - - -\r\nI regret writing that.\r\nRemorse Code\r\n\r\nDoes anyone here have a giant catapult?\r\nNo? It was a long shot.. \r\n\r\nSaw two space hoppers outside a nightclub.\r\nI said: 'Who are you?'\r\nThey said: 'We're the bouncers'\r\n\r\nI had a TV Show about trees.\r\nBut it got axed.\r\n\r\nWhat do you get if you cross a human with a dog?\r\nArrested.\r\n\r\nI can speak to kettles.\r\nBecause I'm boilingual.\r\n\r\nSaw an artist dressed all in black.\r\nIt was Vincent Van Goth. \r\n\r\nHotel receptionists are bit inappropriate, aren't they?\r\nThey all just sit there, checking people out.\r\n\r\nMy girlfriend said: \"Why do you always lie?\"\r\nI said: \"Because it's easier than standing up\" \r\n\r\nI think I got a phone-call about the world's worst queue.\r\nIt was a very bad line",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 18118,
"title": "Callum Blades Jokes"
},
{
"body": "Breaking News! Daisy the Dalmation is entering the presidential election along with Mitt Romney and Barack Obama.Right now we are going to hear her campaign speech.\r\n\" Voting for your next president will be very difficult to chose so let me make it easier. You can vote for the white guy or the black guy. You vote for me you get both.!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18119,
"title": "Daisy the Dalmation"
},
{
"body": "Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, \"What's in the box kid?\"\r\n\r\nTo which the little boy says, \"Kittens, they're brand new kittens.\"\r\n\r\nAl Gore laughs and says, \"What kind of kittens are they?\"\r\n\r\n\"Democrats,\" the child says.\r\n\r\n\"Oh that's cute,\" Al Gore says and he runs off.\r\n\r\nA couple of days later Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.\r\n\r\nAl Gore says to Bill, \"You gotta check this out,\" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.\r\n\r\nAl Gore says, \"Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are.\"\r\n\r\nThe boy replies, \"They're Republicans.\"\r\n\r\n\"Whoa!\", Al Gore says, \"I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" the kid says, \"Their eyes are open now.\"",
"category": "News / Politics",
"id": 18120,
"title": "The Kittens"
},
{
"body": "What is it called when your pet snake doesn't feel right?\r\n\r\n-reptile dysfunction.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18121,
"title": "Snake Under the Weather?"
},
{
"body": "There's a blind old lady who live with her 5 grand children. Every morning the kid's got up and prepared to go to school, just before they left they each gave her a kiss and walk out at the same time she touches' the kid's face and call out their name.\r\nAfter school they each gave her a kiss at the front door and head in, as each kid's kiss her, she just touch the kid's face and she would say, \"Hello Simon, Your getting chubby every day.\"\r\nShe touches another face and she said, \"Hello Sarah, Your getting finer.\"\r\nShe feels the other kid. \"Hello Tom.\"\r\n\"Hello Mark, You're looking fine.\r\n\"Hello Marry, You are beautiful.\r\nHowever mark, is so annoyed by her grandmother that he decided to put her into a test, if she know who's face and what she's touching, so he climb up the window, walk at the door to her grandma, pull down his pants and bend over letting his grandma touch his butt.\r\nAs she was touching his butt, she asks, \"Oh Simon, What happen to your face??\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18122,
"title": "A BLIND WHO CAN SEE"
},
{
"body": "what's the difference between here and there?\r\n\r\nThe letter T! :)\r\n\r\n(Take away the T in there and you've got here!)",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18125,
"title": "Directions"
},
{
"body": "A gay pornstar doesn't take as many balls to the face as my 4 year old son playing soccer.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 18126,
"title": "Soccer Analogy"
},
{
"body": "One day I was standing in the park wondering how frisbees get bigger when they get closer. Then it hit me.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 18127,
"title": "Frisbee"
},
{
"body": "Mary had a little lamb, fries and a coke.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 18128,
"title": "A Finger Lickin' Funny."
},
{
"body": "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the butcher",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18129,
"title": "Chicken"
},
{
"body": "Mik: \"Do skunks have a good sense of smell?\"\r\nMak: \"No! If they did, they'd jump off a cliff!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18131,
"title": "Ewww! (Mik And Mak from Bad News are Back!)"
},
{
"body": "A waiter on a ship said to a boarding lion \"sir, do you want anything of the chef's special?\" The lion said \"nah..I'll look at the passenger list,though!\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18132,
"title": "Lion"
},
{
"body": "Why didn't Megan Fox run from the man-eating lion?\r\nBecause she was a woman.\r\n\r\n*Told to me by a 7-year-old*",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18133,
"title": "Lion"
},
{
"body": "Mik:Darn it! There's only 2 chips in my bowl.Damn you,chips!\r\nMak: Aargh! you made me so angry I am gonna punch them!\r\n\r\nMak punches the chips.\r\n\r\nMik: WHOAH! you made 2 big chips into 20 small ones!\r\nMak: I AM JESUS OF THE DORITOS!!",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 18134,
"title": "WHOAH! (featuring Mik and Mak!)"
},
{
"body": "Music student: We played the beatles last night!\r\n\r\nGym student:who won?",
"category": "Children",
"id": 18135,
"title": "Misunderstood"
},
{
"body": "The other day, I heard that a good friend of mine was outside during a thunderstorm and got struck by lightning.\r\n\r\nI was a bit shocked, but not as much as he was.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 18136,
"title": "Sad News"
},
{
"body": "I don't know much about prison, but it sounds like a pain in the ass.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 18137,
"title": "Prison"
},
{
"body": "One night, I was just walking around, and something really strange happened. Every single black person that night took one look at me and decided to punch me square in the face. Repeatedly.\r\n\r\nIt hurt.\r\n\r\nAnd I'm not just talking about one or two, I'm saying every single black person beat the crap out of me that night.\r\n\r\nI don't know why. I didn't do anything. I didn't say anything. I didn't even look at anybody funny.\r\n\r\nBut after that, I did stop dressing up as a ghost for Halloween.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18138,
"title": "I Still Have Nightmares"
},
{
"body": "One night I was feeling lonely, so I went to my girlfriend's house. She wasn't expecting me, but I was able to calm her down. She was a bit hesitant, but I didn't think anything of it. I got her into the bed finally, and you know what happens next.\r\n\r\nIn the morning, when I woke up she was still asleep. So I got up and left quietly. On the way back home I felt a little bad but I didn't know why. And then it hit me.\r\n\r\nI don't have a girlfriend.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18139,
"title": "I'm a Jerk"
},
{
"body": "Yo momma so old she rode a limosarus to her wedding!",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 18140,
"title": "SO OLD!"
},
{
"body": "I'm not even sure this is funny (although it was at the time), but it was just a random happening:\r\n\r\nI was texting my friend and playing temple run at the same time, and something occurred to me. I said, \"If I were a Temple Run character, no one would buy me... I cannot slide on my back, jump over tall objects, run fast (most definitely not), or pick up coins by running through them. I would die in the first 30 seconds.\" He replied, \"I would buy u, just so I could get the achievement of sexy seven.\"",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 18141,
"title": "Temple Run"
},
{
"body": "Little Katie was at Sunday school one day. The teacher asked the class \"Who is someone in your life that worships God by always speaking His name?\"\r\n Little Katie raised her hand and said \"The fifth grade teacher at my school! Every time we pass by her room on the way to art I hear her say \"I swear to God I have the worst behaved class in the world!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 18142,
"title": "Religious Teacher"
},
{
"body": "\"Mom! Deaf kids at school are making fun of me.\"\r\n\r\n\"What did they say?\"",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 18143,
"title": "Mom!"
},
{
"body": "Billy was walking in a shopping center with his mom, and suddenly she stopped to pick up a penny. When she reached out for it, he saw armpit hair. Frightened, he said, \"You're not my mom! I'm calling the police.\" The man pulled off his mask and said, \"Okay, you got me. But tell me one thing. How did you know I wasn't your mom?\"\r\n\r\n\"Because my mom's not Jewish.\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 18144,
"title": "You're Not My Mom!"
},
{
"body": "I got a new dog last week. She's a black lab and border collie mix, and still a puppy. I take her with me everywhere I go. But when I took her to the vet to get her shots, they told me I had to put her down. \r\n\r\nI've only had this dog for a week. Seven days. I wanted to keep holding her.",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18145,
"title": "New Dog"
},
{
"body": "Why was the diver angry at the diving board? Because it flipped him off.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 18146,
"title": "The Angry Diver"
},
{
"body": "So I asked a religious truck driver what his CB handle is. \r\nHis answer: \"My handle's 'Messiah'.\" \r\n(Get it? Sounds like \"Handel's Messiah.\")",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 18147,
"title": "Religious Truck Driver"
},
{
"body": "The word 'function' should never function as a verb.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 18148,
"title": "Functions"
},
{
"body": "'It is Christmas time and a man and a woman go out for a meal. After the first two courses, everything is well until the dessert. The man messes up and says something inappropriate to the woman while having their Christmas pudding. The woman walks away in anger. Then the man says, \"Please don't desert me; this is our first date.\"'",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 18149,
"title": "Christmas Pudding"
},
{
"body": "Mik and mak are having a pillow fight. Mak whacks mik hard. Mik yells \"are you jamaican because ja maican me crazy!\"",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 18151,
"title": "The Pillow Fight (a Mik and Mak Joke)"
},
{
"body": "yo momma is so fat, she put on a disney shirt and mickey mouse got diabetes.\r\n\r\nyo momma is so ugly, she makes blind people cry.\r\n\r\nyo momma is so fat, she has to hire people to look at her toes.\r\n\r\nyo momma is so fat, when God said let there be light, he had to ask her to move out of the way.\r\n\r\nyo momma is so stupid, she failed a blood test.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 18152,
"title": "Yo Momma"
},
{
"body": "I bet you I could stop gambling.",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 18153,
"title": "Problem?"
},
{
"body": "Have you heard the one about the home security guard who got fired for saving his boss's life?\r\n\r\nOne day the guard dreamed the his boss was going to be in a plane crash on a business trip to Zimbabwe. Upon learning that his boss was soon going to be flying to Zimbabwe he told his boss about the dream he had, and convinced his boss to cancel it.\r\n\r\nThe next day on the news they learned that the plane did indeed crash. The boss gave him a reward, and then fired him on the spot, saying that a good guard shouldn't be sleeping on the job!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18154,
"title": "Sleeping Guard."
},
{
"body": "A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting \"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen\" over and over again.\r\n\r\nCurious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood.\r\n\r\nHe put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, \"Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen...\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18157,
"title": "Thirteen"
},
{
"body": "A mother and her child were at a wedding.\r\n\r\nA little boy looks at his mom and says, \"Mommy, why does the girl wear white?\"\r\n\r\nHis mom replies, \"The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life.\"\r\n\r\nThe boy thinks about this, and then says, \"Well then, why is the boy wearing black?\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18158,
"title": "The Wedding"
},
{
"body": "Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.\r\n\r\nThe first said, \"I built a big house for our Mother.\" The second said, \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\" The third smiled and said, \"I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.\"\r\n\r\nSoon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: \"Milton,\" she wrote one son, \"the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\"\r\n\r\n\"Gerald,\" she wrote to another, \"I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!\"\r\n\r\n\"Dearest Donald,\" she wrote to her third son, \"you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18159,
"title": "The Three Sons"
},
{
"body": "A young boy, about eight years old, was at the store picking out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, no laundry,\" the boy said. \"I'm going to wash my dog.\"\r\n\r\n\"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.\"\r\n\r\nBut the boy was not stopped by this and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.\r\n\r\nAbout a week later the boy was back in the store doing some shopping. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.\r\n\r\n\"Oh, he died,\" the boy said.\r\n\r\nThe grocer said, \"I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.\"\r\n\r\n\"Well,\" the boy replied, \"I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.\"\r\n\r\n\"Oh I'm sorry. How did he die?\"\r\n\r\n\"I think it was the spin cycle.\"",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18160,
"title": "Detergent"
},
{
"body": "A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.\r\n\r\n\"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes,\" he thought to himself, and opened her up further.\r\n\r\nThe needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.\r\n\r\n\"What on earth am I doing?\" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.\r\n\r\n\"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!\"\r\n\r\n\"Last week my wife ran off with a cop,\" the man said, \"and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!\"\r\n\r\n\"Have a nice night,\" said the officer.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 18161,
"title": "Speeding Ticket"
},
{
"body": "A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.\r\n\r\n\"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.\"\r\n\r\n\"ONE CENT!\" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied \"Yes.\"\r\n\r\nSo the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks \"Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?\"\r\n\r\n\"Certainly sir,\"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.\"\r\n\r\n\"How much money?\" inquires the guy. \"Four cents\", he replies.\r\n\r\n\"FOUR cents!\" exclaims the guy. \"Where's the Guy who owns this place?\"\r\n\r\nThe barman replies, \"Upstairs with my wife.\"\r\n\r\nThe guy says, \"What's he doing with your wife?\"\r\n\r\nThe bartender replies, \"Same as what I'm doing to his business.\"",
"category": "Bar",
"id": 18162,
"title": "Screwing Up A Business"
},
{
"body": "A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, \"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!\". \"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!\". the panda shouts back. \"Look it up!\". The manager opens his dictionary and reads: 'Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18164,
"title": "The Panda"
},
{
"body": "Mik walked home from work and saw 4 people dressed in grim reaper suits. He ran home. The next time,the next time and 6 more walks for home, he decided to confront them. He yelled \"who ARE you\"????!!! They chased him into a wall. \"s-s- Show yourself\" he squeaked. They took their masks off and yelled \"Hi, we're the wiggles!\"",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18165,
"title": "WHO ARE YOU????!!! (a Mik From Mik and Mak Joke)"
},
{
"body": "Why wasn't Jesus born in Japan?\r\nHe couldn't find three wise men or a virgin there.",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 18166,
"title": "Japan"
},
{
"body": "Why did the computer get sick?\r\nHe left his windows open",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 18167,
"title": "BRRRR...."
},
{
"body": "My Dad is great at raising kids, if he can remember which are his.",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 18169,
"title": "Dads"
},
{
"body": "All women are emotional drag queens, and i married their queen",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 18170,
"title": "Women"
},
{
"body": "Yo mommas so fat that when she got on the electric scales, it read one at a time please.",
"category": "Yo Momma",
"id": 18171,
"title": "This is Majorly Funny!"
},
{
"body": "What do you call a blind German?\r\n\r\nA not see!",
"category": "Animal",
"id": 18172,
"title": "The Blind German"
},
{
"body": "Long ago I gave my kid an iPod.\r\nLast year he talked me into buying him an iPhone.\r\nThis year he said he needed an iPad.\r\nI asked what the i- means and he said that's the way Apple name their products.\r\nNow he's asking for an i7 laptop. My goodness, Apple have made so many things they've now run out of names!",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 18173,
"title": "So Many Products"
},
{
"body": "Boy: Will you marry me?\r\nGirl: Are you kidding? You're a geek while I need a man with a big bank account and a nice house!\r\nBoy: I have 1000 GBs in the cloud.\r\nGirl: Come on, that won't even buy us a cabin in Texas!\r\nBoy: You don't know sh*t, my EC2 account can buy a farm in New York if you wish!",
"category": "Tech",
"id": 18174,
"title": "A Really Big Account"
},
{
"body": "Two guys are eating a hamburger at a fast food place.\r\n\r\n1st Guy- Does your hamburger taste funny?\r\n2nd Guy- No just yours. Mine doesn't have a sense of humor.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 18176,
"title": "Funny"
},
{
"body": "One woman to another woman\r\n\r\nWoman- Those firemen are hot.\r\nOther Woman- Yeah they are nice looking.\r\nWoman- No. I mean they just came out of that burning building. They're hot.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 18177,
"title": "Firemen"
},
{
"body": "What did the dog say to the driver who was driving behind him?\r\nGet off my tail!",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 18178,
"title": "Tail"
},
{
"body": "Man says to his girlfriend\r\n\r\nYou're the only woman on this planet I won't. Oh by the way, I'm taken a trip to Mars next week.",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18179,
"title": "Only One On This Planet"
},
{
"body": "(I put the pun words in CAPS)\r\n\r\nA man was smoking in a no smoking restaurant. Mik went up to him and said \"sir, you'll have to leave'. The smoker said to mik \"what if I dont wanna, yeah?, what'll ya do then?\" Mak walked up to the smoking man's face and said 'leave. this is a no smoking restaurant. no BUTTS about it\". The man said \"fine\" and walked out and jumped on his bike. Mik said to mak \" man, has that bike been through a RECYCLING machine\"? Word spread, and no smokers smoked in that restaurant ever again.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 18180,
"title": "Mr Annoying (a Mik and Mak Joke)"
},
{
"body": "What is a 4 letter sport that starts with a T?\r\n\r\nGolf.\r\n\r\n(Golf starts with a tee!)",
"category": "Sports",
"id": 18181,
"title": "What Sport?"
},
{
"body": "Do you know what the secret of an islamic marriage is?\r\nThe man get's to see a striptease every night!",
"category": "Other / Misc",
"id": 18182,
"title": "The Secret of an Islamic Marriage"
},
{
"body": "Hey! Football team! Get off the band field!",
"category": "One Liners",
"id": 18183,
"title": "Marching Band Pride"
},
{
"body": "Band Class is the only class where you can blow it.",
"category": "Puns",
"id": 18184,
"title": "Failing Band Class"
},
{
"body": "The blond asked for peanuts on the plane, but she once she got them, she gave them back to the stewardess and asks her to check if there really are peanuts in the bag. The stewardess asks why, to which the blond responds:\r\n\"The bag says 'May Contain Nuts'\"",
"category": "Blond",
"id": 18185,
"title": "Airline Food"
},
{
"body": "Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining\r\n\r\n(When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)\r\n\r\nMean Girl #1: \"Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet.\"\r\n\r\nMean Girl #2: \"Are you kidding? She's never been on a diet in her life!\"\r\n\r\n(The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)\r\n\r\nGirl #3: *taken aback* \"I...I worked out today. I need the protein.\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!\"\r\n\r\nMean Girl #1: \"Yeah, I guess you don't have to worry about what you eat if you're already fat and ugly!\"\r\n\r\n(One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)\r\n\r\nCoworker: \"Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?\"\r\n\r\nGirl #3: \"Are you serious?\"\r\n\r\nCoworker: \"Completely! Who wouldn't want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?\"\r\n\r\n(This was five years ago. I'm going to be the best man at their wedding.)",
"category": "College",
"id": 18186,
"title": "Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining"
},
{
"body": "(A father is letting five kids make a complete mess of the restaurant. They're ripping napkins and using it as confetti, breaking chopsticks and screaming their little heads off.)\r\n\r\nMe: \"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to tell them to stop doing that. They are disturbing the other customers.\"\r\n\r\nFather: *beaming* \"No.\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"No, as in, no you won't tell them to stop it?\"\r\n\r\nFather: *still beaming*\"Yes.\"\r\n\r\n(I have to get back to work at this point and sure enough, the kids keep misbehaving. Several customers complain to me but I have no authority to throw them out. The last to complain is a table with about eight young guys.)\r\n\r\nCustomer 1: \"So there's nothing you can do about them?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"I'm so very sorry sir, but no. I can get you a drink from the house to make up for it.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer 2: \"No, that won't do.\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Well, I can see if I can get you a free desert...\"\r\n\r\nCustomer 2: \"Not what I meant. Can't you get your boss?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"I'm afraid he's not in, sir.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer 1: \"Well we won't accept any free stuff. I bet that would come out of your pay.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer 3: \"Hold on...\"\r\n\r\n(The customer gets up and the others immediately follow him to the noisy, messy table. They're now surrounded by eight tall young men who look mighty pissed.)\r\n\r\nCustomer 3, to the father: \"Tell them to stop it.\"\r\n\r\nFather: *still beaming* \"No.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer 1: \"You're upsetting the waitress.\"\r\n\r\nFather: \"Do you guys even work here?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer 1: \"No, we're from that prison up the street. We're out on parole. Funny coincidence, we all served seven years for kidnapping and murdering a bunch of noisy brats and a jerk who made minimum-wage waitresses cry.\"\r\n\r\n(At this point the kids become very, very quiet and the other patrons start giggling and staring.)\r\n\r\nFather: \"You're lying.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer 4: \"Wanna take that chance, buddy?\"\r\n\r\n(One more lecherous grin was enough to send the whole bunch of misfits scurrying to the exit. My knights in shining armor actually got applause from the other diners and a free meal from me.)",
"category": "Children",
"id": 18187,
"title": "Fighting Fire With Fire"
},
{
"body": "Customer: \"Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!\"\r\n\r\nCashier: \"Sir, I already told you... we don't have ANY hammers back here that aren't already stocked on the shelves.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!\"\r\n\r\n(At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what's going on; note that I'm the manager.)\r\n\r\nMe: \"Is there a problem?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don't have what you're looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check\u00e2\u0080\u0093\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"F**K THAT!!! IT'S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"That's it. Get out of my store.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"What? NO!\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Then do it!\"\r\n\r\n(I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)\r\n\r\nMe: \"Now, then... you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!\"\r\n\r\nMe: *puts the customer down*\r\n\r\nCustomer: *confused* \"... What is it?\"\r\n\r\n(I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)\r\n\r\nMe: \"Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!\" *kicks customer out of store and slams door*",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 18188,
"title": "Paging Leonidas To The Front Desk"
},
{
"body": "Customer: \"I have a big problem. You cut off my head!\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"I'm sorry? How did I cut off your head?\"\r\n\r\n(The customer shows me an obviously self-taken picture, with the top of his head removed.)\r\n\r\nMe: \"Sir, it looks like it was taken that way.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"No it wasn't! My whole head was there when I took it. I'm sure!\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Okay, let me see your memory card...\"\r\n\r\n(The customer hands it to me, and I go in the lab and pull it up on the computer. Sure enough, he chopped his own head off in the picture.)\r\n\r\nMe: \"Sir, that is the whole image, and the top of your head isn't in it.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"But it's DIGITAL, can't you fix it?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"You can't create something from nothing.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"But... but... but... I need a photo for a dating website!\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Give me the camera and go stand over there.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: *excited* \"Hot d***! You can be my best man!\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"A thank you card will be enough.\"\r\n\r\n(Skip ahead 9 months...)\r\n\r\nFemale customer: \"Is your name ***?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Yes, can I help you?\"\r\n\r\nFemale customer: \"My husband wanted you to have this.\" *hands me an envelope*\r\n\r\n(I open the envelope, and sure enough there's a thank you card with a picture of him and his wife. He actually got married and sent her in with the card!)",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 18189,
"title": "A Heady Proposition"
},
{
"body": "You've Got The Wrong(est) Number\r\n\r\n(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school's number.)\r\n\r\nMe: \"Thank you for calling. How may I help you?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"How much for my daughter?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Um...\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"She's 16. It's her first time. She needs training.\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Sir, I think you want the driving school.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Oh, what do you guys do?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Adult websites.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Oh...OH! Oh my God!\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 18190,
"title": "You've Got The Wrong(est) Number"
},
{
"body": "(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)\r\n\r\nMe: \"Can I help you?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Gimme all the f***ing medicine!\"\r\n\r\n(The teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)\r\n\r\nMe: \"The pharmacy is in the back of the store.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Oh...okay.\"\r\n\r\n(He holsters the air-soft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)\r\n\r\nManager: \"Who was that?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy.\"\r\n\r\nManager: \"Why didn't you call the police?\"\r\n\r\n(The teen runs screaming from the back of the store out of the front door followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35 year old boxer built like a fridge.)\r\n\r\nMe: \"Doug started working today.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 18191,
"title": "Hard Drugs And Harder Pharmacists"
},
{
"body": "(It's Halloween, and I'm dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.)\r\n\r\nMe: \"Did you find everything you needed tonight?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on.\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Thank you, ma'am.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"But don't you think you took it a little too far?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Uh... took what too far?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Well I understand that you're supposed to be some type of vampire, but don't you think that necklace is taking it too far?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Oh, that. That's not part of my costume, I always wear that.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: *loudly* \"Well if you want to risk burning in H*** for wearing that devil worshiping symbol, that's just fine with me... but they shouldn't be letting you wear that here in a public place!\"\r\n\r\nMe: *sarcastically* \"Well, why shouldn't they let me wear it? After all, we all practice together and I'm the high priestess. In fact as soon as you leave, we're gonna close up the store, start a bonfire in the parking lot, and then dance naked around it until dawn.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer, to one of my managers: \"Aren't you going to do anything about what she said to me?\"\r\n\r\nManager #1: \"Yes, ma'am. As soon as you leave, we're going to close the store.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"THAT'S IT?!\"\r\n\r\nManager #2: \"Of course not, ma'am. You heard the rest of our... plans.\"\r\n\r\n(And with the kind of timing that only happens once in a lifetime, a stock boy unwittingly walks out of the back room while taking his uniform shirt off at the same time. The customer practically runs out of the store.)",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 18192,
"title": "Thank You For Shopping At ApocalypseMart"
},
{
"body": "Employee: *making out a rain check* \"Okay, so I'm just going to look on the computer and check if any other locations have this item.\"\r\n\r\nNice customer: \"Okay, thanks.\"\r\n\r\nAngry customer: \"Stop f***ing socializing and do your g**d*** job!\"\r\n\r\nEmployee: \"Sir, please don't be abusive, I'm just checking our other loc-\"\r\n\r\nAngry customer: \"I don't care! DO YOUR JOB!\"\r\n\r\n(At this point, the angry customer moves toward the counter in a very threatening way. The customer behind HIM, a super-fit guy in a UFC jacket, steps in. Mr. UFC grabs the angry customer in a CHOKE HOLD and drags him outside, followed quickly by management, and to the applause of the staff and customers inside the store.)\r\n\r\n(The angry customer was banned from the store and Mr. UFC got a gift card.)",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 18193,
"title": "We Need One Of These In Every Store"
},
{
"body": "(I'm ringing up a customer and notice her last name is the same as mine. I have a very uncommon last name, so I made the mistake of mentioning this...)\r\n\r\nMe: \"Your last name is [name]? Mine, too. Wonder if we're related?\" *chuckle*\r\n\r\nCustomer: *very serious* \"What is your name?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Oh, I was joking, we're not related; almost all of my family lives up in New England.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: *more serious* \"What is your name?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Uhhh...I'm no\u00e2\u0080\u0093\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Do you have a brother named [brother's name]?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Yes, actually...\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Is your mother [mom's name]?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Uh, yeah...\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"And your father's name is [my estranged father's name]?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Well, he's my biological father, yes.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: *sticks out hand* \"Nice to meet you, I'm your step-mother!\"\r\n\r\n(The entire line of about a dozen people behind her gasps, like they were watching a soap opera.)\r\n\r\nMe: \"Oh, God...please don't tell my father I work here.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"You know why your father left your mother, right?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Uh...no?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Because she cheated on him with [my stepfather]!\"\r\n\r\n(The line behind her gasps again.)\r\n\r\nMe: \"Oh, okay...\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"You know, your father is very heartbroken about you. You've grown up to be such a beautiful young woman. You should call him and talk to him just so he can see how you're doing.\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Actually, we don't\u00e2\u0080\u0093\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"You and I need to go out for coffee sometime. I have a lot of stories to tell you.\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Okay, well\u00e2\u0080\u0093\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"I promise, I'm not an evil stepmother. Well, I'll see you later, sweetie!\" *bounces out the front door*\r\n\r\nMe: *speechless*\r\n\r\nNext customer: \"Sweetie, are you okay?\"\r\n\r\nMe: *still speechless*\r\n\r\nNext customer: \"Why don't you take a break? We don't mind waiting.\"\r\n\r\nEntire line: \"No! Go take a break!\"\r\n\r\nMe, to my boss: \"Hey, I'm taking a break. I'll be back in\u00e2\u0080\u0093\"\r\n\r\nBoss: \"For God's sake, go home! I'll see you on Monday.\"",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 18194,
"title": "As The Checkout Line Churns"
},
{
"body": "(Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.)\r\n\r\nMe: *walks out of the cooler*\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Are you f***ing insane? It's freezing in there.\r\n\r\nMe: \"I don't mind it.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"That's bulls***! You know it's cold. Why would you lie to me?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Excuse me? I'm pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I'm working so I get a bit warm, even in there.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"WARM!? In a COOLER!? You're a G**D*** LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"I'm Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Oh, I didn't know. I'm sorry for your loss.\"",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 18195,
"title": "Big Lies Are Better Than Small Ones"
},
{
"body": "(A man comes to my register with a mint chocolate candy bar.)\r\n\r\nMe: \"Anything else?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Can you break a $100 bill?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Actually, I can't. We just opened and I haven't gone to the bank today.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Oh, no! Do you know anywhere I can get change? I need this candy right away!\"\r\n\r\n(At this point I notice his panicked look. Coupled with the fact that he's buying the most unappetizing candy in the store, I jump to a conclusion.)\r\n\r\nMe: \"Sir, these aren't for you, are they?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"No.\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Did your pregnant wife send you out at 8 in the morning to buy this candy?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Yes.\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"For the love of God, man! Get these home to her before you're in even more trouble! You can come back and pay me later!\"\r\n\r\n(The customer bolts out the door. He later came back, visibly calmer, and paid.)",
"category": "Men / Women",
"id": 18196,
"title": "Hell Hath No Fury Like A Pregnant Woman Scorned"
},
{
"body": "(I am shelving DVDs in a library when a man comes in with a boy who appears to be autistic. The boy sees a movie about Thanksgiving.)\r\n\r\nBoy: \"Thanksgiving! I love Thanksgiving! I'm thankful... I'm thankful for... I'm thankful for my friends at school!\"\r\n\r\nCaretaker: \"You're thankful for your friends at school?\"\r\n\r\nBoy: \"Yeah! Yeah and... and... what are you thankful for? Are you thankful for your friends?\"\r\n\r\nCaretaker: *no response*\r\n\r\nBoy: \"Are you thankful for me?\"\r\n\r\nCaretaker: \"I'm thankful for you, kid. I'm more thankful for you than all my friends in the world.\"\r\n\r\nBoy: *smiles*",
"category": "Children",
"id": 18197,
"title": "No Pranks, Just Thanks"
},
{
"body": "Me: \"That will be 17.50, please.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Are you a Christian, dear?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Why do you ask?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Are you?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Well, no. Why do you want to know?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Oh. I would like to be helped by someone else, please.\"\r\n\r\nManager: \"Good morning ma'am, I hear you've been having a problem with the clerk?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Oh, she didn't make any trouble, it's just that I don't want my money to be handled by someone not of the faith. You should be careful, she'll probably nick from the till when you're not looking.\"\r\n\r\nManager: \"You're right, ma'am, I shall definitely have to reprimand her.\"\r\n\r\nMe: *surprised* \"What for?\"\r\n\r\nManager: \"For failing to notice that the lady was not planning on paying for the three Mars bars and the map of Europe she must have put in her bag while you were fetching me.\"\r\n\r\n(The customer freezes for a second, then looks at her bag.)\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Good heavens! I must've been so distracted I didn't even notice the devil putting them there!\"",
"category": "Religious",
"id": 18198,
"title": "Hell In A Handbag"
},
{
"body": "Me: \"Sir, would you like to use any coupons today?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Yes, I've been saving them. Here you go!\"\r\n\r\n(He hands me a coupon that had expired five years previously.)\r\n\r\nMe: \"Sir, your coupon is expired.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"WHAT?! What do you mean its expired? You f***ing b****, you're just trying to steal my f***ing money! You're trying to rob me! You and this f***ing company are trying to steal my f***ing money!\"\r\n\r\n(The customer attempts to climb over the counter and attack me. Thankfully, my manager intercepts him.)\r\n\r\nManager: \"Sir, I need you to come with me.\"\r\n\r\n(My manager hauls the customer off counter by the back of his collar and drags him outside. Ten minutes pass, and he comes back in hauling a very disheveled customer by the shirt.)\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Your manager told me that I need to apologize to you. I'm sorry for yelling.\"\r\n\r\nManager: \"Now, apologize for cursing at her.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"I'm sorry for cursing at you.\"\r\n\r\nManager: \"Now, what's our policy on expired coupons?\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"You don't accept them.\"\r\n\r\nManager, to me: \"Is he forgiven, or would you like to have him arrested?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"No, it's okay. \"\r\n\r\nManager, to customer: \"Now get out, and don't come back.\" *throws customer out*",
"category": "At Work",
"id": 18199,
"title": "A Good Ol' Fashioned A** Whoopin'"
},
{
"body": "Customer: \"Are you Hispanic?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"No.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Middle Eastern?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"No.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"Egyptian?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"No.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"What are you?\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Chinese.\"\r\n\r\n(customer puts on offended face)\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"I don't appreciate you treating me like I'm dumb.\"\r\n\r\nMe: \"Excuse me? I'm being honest.\"\r\n\r\nCustomer: \"NO CHINESE PERSON WOULD EVER HAVE EYES AS BIG AS YOURS!!!\"\r\n\r\nMe: *mouth wide open*",
"category": "Insults",
"id": 18200,
"title": "... And We Wonder Why Everyone Hates Us"
}
]
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